#i wish i didn't have anxiety i wish i wasn't autistic or that my autism manifested differently

[a-chilleus]

painfully aware of all the wasted time in cambridge and how what i might have wanted to do is just not ever gonna happen. idk if i'd have liked punting but i never went and now the friends who i'd have gone with are all too busy in exams and about to graduate. maybe i should have gone to the formals and just suffered through the sensory overload so that i could have taken photos with my friends at the end of the night and convinced myself afterwards i had fun. i've been to a couple of museums here, but only with my parents. i spent hours and hours in this stupid place hiding in toilets, self-destructing, not going to things because i was too scared, when i could - should - have been exploring the prettiest parts of cambridge with my friends. friends who were too fucking busy all the fucking time. friends whose social calendars were always already full of "drinks with [ensemble i'm not in] after the concert" or "dnd with [a group they formed before i met that friend]" - no one's excluding me on purpose, but what are you meant to do when you have friends you love but you missed out on all the things you wish you could have done with them and now it's too late? no one has time to do anything. i feel so so alone and i have for so long and it never seems to get any better

[wheelie-sick]

this is going to be a long post, it's kinda just me writing all my raw unfiltered thoughts on ABA therapy as someone who actually went through it

-> TW for ABA therapy, child abuse, suicide <-

I was functionally diagnosed with autism at the age of 3 but it wasn't until I was 13 that I was actually formally evaluated for it and given an official diagnosis. I was behind in social skills and developmental skills

[ID: "was also described as a sensory seeker. She does not currently have any friends and has struggled to make and maintain peer relationships throughout her childhood. Difficulties with social skills were initially noted when she was in preschool (years before the onset of clinically significant symptoms of anxiety and"]

[ID: "Social functions: [blank]'s mother also completed a questionnaire rating her social responsiveness. Her responses on the SRS-2 indicated that [blank] is demonstrating severe deficits in the areas of Social Communication (reciprocal social interaction and nonverbal and verbal communication), Social Motivation (motivation to engage in social-interpersonal behavior) and Social Awareness (perceiving social cues) and moderate deficits in the areas of Social Cognition (understanding social cues). Severe Repetitive and Restrictive Behaviors (stereotypical behaviors or highly restricted interests) were also reported. The total T-score on the SRS-2 indicates severe deficiencies in reciprocal behavior that are likely to result in interference in everyday social interaction"]

[ID: "%ile) are mildly impaired, while her social skills are moderately impaired (2nd %ile). By domain, demonstrates mildly to moderately impaired abilities in six adaptive skills areas, including self care (9th %ile), communication (5th %ile), home living (5th %ile), self-direction (2nd %ile), social (2nd %ile), and leisure (1st %ile)"]

and ultimately all this ended up with the number one recommendation after my autism evaluation being for ABA therapy.

[ID: "Recommendations: Based on the above results, the following recommendations are made for [blank] and her family.

1. ABA therapy: [blank] May benefit from an intensive treatment program to foster cognitive and communication skills, improve independence and adaptive functioning, and help manage interfering behaviors (i.e home-based, 1:1 instruction, task analysis, etc.) Most private and community programs are based on principals of operant conditioning and taught in home with 1:1 instruction"]

*I'm getting misgendered here. my pronouns are he/him

"operant conditioning"-- like a dog 🐕🐕. woof woof.

my mom didn't know any better so she put me in ABA therapy with the Center for Autism and Related Disorders. she regrets this. I regret this more.

my autism evaluation was cruel, it dissected all my flaws as if I was a bug under a microscope in a highschool laboratory. my evaluation was passed around to ABA therapists, a line of high schoolers peering through the microscope examining the most vulnerable parts of me.

and I choose the highschool analogy quite deliberately. most of the ABA therapists at my center were recent highschool graduates with no degree and little training. they knew nothing about autism and had no qualifications. you need more certificates to become a professional dog trainer than to become a professional human trainer.

"operant conditioning"

and I wish I could say it was just a poor choice of words but ABA therapy was dog training for children. my dad used to call me an "it" and somehow I felt less dehumanized by that than the entire experience I had in ABA therapy.

I was the oldest person at my center (I did not receive in home therapy) with the next oldest being approximately 3 years younger than me. at the time I felt babied. I was surrounded by 5 year olds and I was treated as if I was not just a 5 year old but an autistic 5 year old and anyone who has been a visibly autistic 5 year old knows what that feels like. I had escaped being an autistic child and now I was being treated like one again. The head of the program tried to console me by telling me adults received their services too.

[ID: "Following the principles of applied behavior analysis, CARD has developed a treatment approach for children and adolescents with"]

this was the first lie they told me. CARD does not work with adults.

I was not allowed the privileges of being a 13 year old. because I was an autistic 13 year old and therefore I was the equivalent of a 5 year old. I was in psychotherapy at the same time and I had grown very accustomed to some level of freedom in therapy. I was allowed to use the bathroom independently. in ABA therapy I was not allowed to use the bathroom independently. I tried once, me and my therapist were on an "outing" to the grocery store and I told my therapist I was going to the bathroom and walked off and I got a very stern talking to about how I needed to "stop eloping" and if I didn't stop it would "become a behavior"

eloping became a common theme used to control me and squeeze money out of my parents.

out of everything I hated in my life, including severe physical abuse at home (which they did not report), I hated ABA therapy the most. I would repeatedly make serious threats of suicide to try to get out of ABA. no one cared. everyone thought I was being dramatic but there were times I wrote out suicide notes and ABA was among the reasons I listed. ABA made me feel hopeless, depressed, revolting, disgusting, inferior, and less than human. between ABA, my home life, and my social life I had never felt so hated and it was boiling through my skin. I acted out, I was bullying people, I was behaving recklessly, I was starting fights, and all this only made the oppressive force of ABA crack down on me harder. I was a cat hissing in the corner begging to be left alone and ABA brought a net to try to tame me further. every time I scratched back it was listed as a reason I needed to be there.

I was "disruptive" and "rebellious" and "uncooperative" and "resistant to treatment" and no one could figure out why I was "regressing" despite me shouting the answer. I was screaming and no one was willing to hear me

I hated myself and my autism. my autism diagnosis made me want to die. I didn't feel freed by it or understood I felt ashamed and disgusted. I felt incompetent and like I had failed. I was ashamed to be at ABA, it was my biggest secret. I'd lie to my friends about why I couldn't hang out and I'd lie to people in public about who the woman I was with was and I'd lie about all of it to try to cover up my most shameful secret.

ABA therapy did nothing but foster this. In ABA therapy I was mocked for being autistic and what was happening only clicked when a young kid, maybe only 4 or 5, was flapping his hands and a therapist took out her phone and recorded him. we were circus animals. it was all an entertaining show to them while they poked and prodded at us with metaphorical hot irons to make us dance. the first time a therapist laughed at me for rocking back and forth I wanted to throw up. I almost did. it was systematic bullying of children I was forced to watch and experience.

my point is: the last place on earth I wanted to be was the ABA center.

so of course I tried to leave. my mom would bring me McDonald's and I'd beg, sobbing real tears, to leave early because only she could sign me out. every time I'd go to meet her I'd be marked as "eloping" and my hotel stay in hell would get extended.

my natural response to a stressful environment (leaving) was pathologized. I was eloping this way and that way and never once did I actually, truly elope. that word was a weapon used against me. they used my "elopement" to justify extending my stay to my parents. they ate it right up.

they argued I needed to stay there because I was making friends. this was true, I'm great at getting along with children it's part of why I want to go into pediatrics, but I had also made real friends with people my age at my highschool. ABA was getting in the way. I wanted to spend time with my friends outside of school but ABA took up all my time from the minute I left school to 6pm and all day on weekends. I was doing a full time job's worth of hours. I complained about how I was missing out on spending time with my real friends (as in, over the age of 7) and I was met with almost no wiggle room in my schedule. I was allowed to pre-plan time to spend with friends but every time my friend group wanted to do something spontaneously? I had to say no, and I had to lie about why. my friends would share stories about driving around town with 2 people in the group stuffed in the trunk, of hanging out in the woods together, of taking part in ordinary highschool activities as ordinary high schoolers and it made me cry because I was not an ordinary highschooler and I was not allowed to participate in ordinary highschool activities. I was one of those weird, unpleasant, socially awkward autistic people instead. eventually, they just stopped inviting me. I was forced into the out group by ABA.

I'll never get that back. I'll never get a chance to be a normal highschooler ever again.

when I did have time available to hang out with people I never had the energy to. at the time I was living with an undiagnosed physical disability and I was begging to see a doctor but no one would believe that it wasn't just anxiety. the people who believed me least of all were the people at the center.

I was constantly told I was trying to get out of therapy by "feigning" very real pain and fatigue. I tried to explain spoon theory, and that I had limited spoons, and in response they made a task for me to name things to "regenerate spoons" that's not how it works. I wasn't the only physically disabled person there. there was a wheelchair user who was constantly forced to stand for periods of time despite being in agony doing it. he wasn't allowed rewards until he did it.

rewards were used to train us like dog treats are used with dogs. sometimes the treats were fun! I'd get to cook, play Mario kart, and go on outings. other times the treats were "using the correct name and pronouns for me." I'd constantly be threatened with deadnaming and misgendering if I was being "noncompliant."

misgendering because of my autism was a theme in my life. my neuropsych evaluation report misgendered me. my parents misgendered me. the staff at ABA misgendered me. at one point the head of the program suggested that my "gender confusion" was because of my autism. my abusive father latched onto this and still claims that the reason I'm "confused" about my gender is because the evil transgenders tricked me into thinking I'm one of them because I'm autistic and therefore easily impressionable.

the two therapists I had were nice because I refused to work with the others. they weren't on a power trip and both eventually left because they realized the harm the organization was doing. other therapists were not so kind. other therapists were on a power trip, because in their mind lording over autistic 5 year olds (and autistic 14 year olds) makes them powerful and strong. occasionally I'd get stuck with one of the other therapists when my usual therapists were out. they would talk to me in a baby voice. they would make fun of me for rocking back and forth, for not making eye contact, for talking about Skyrim "too much" and generally just for being autistic.

I never really knew what I was supposed to be doing, just that I was doing it wrong. the therapists there rarely actually told me what my tasks were they'd just mark yes or no on them, judging me for something I wasn't aware of. I was never actually supposed to graduate, I was never supposed to get out, if they wanted me to succeed they would have taught and explained what was happening but I was intentionally left in the dark.

I continued threatening suicide to get out. no one took me seriously. I was seriously considering it. there's no happy conclusion where someone finally realized it was all wrong, or I figured out how to be allistic and graduated, or I felt more comfortable there. I only got out when covid struck and shut the center down. it's gone now, replaced by a family advice center. I hope their advice for autistic children is to never put them in ABA.

there is no grander message here just suffering. I'm sorry if you were expecting some sort of great point at the end of this. there's not one. it happened, I wish it didn't, and I hope no one else experiences what I did ever again.

okay to reblog

[dr-spectre]

Talking about Side Order and... Marina. (SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!)

You know, i really enjoyed Side Order, like it wasn't perfect or anything but i had such a blast with it and if they continue to expand on it we could have something REALLY amazing. My reaction to the GOD DAMN TUTORIAL BOSS GOT ME HYPERVENTILATING! IM NOT JOKING! IT WAS SO EXCITING AND SHOCKING!!! THE FINAL BOSS WAS INCREDIBLE TOO! I was singing along to Spectrum Obligato and WHEN THEY BROUGHT IN THE STUFF FROM THE LIVE CONCERT VERSION OF EBB AND FLOW MY JAW DROPPED!!!

However i gotta admit, the story could have been better, what was the deal with the Octoling engineers Marina was talking about? That goes completely nowhere and i thought it was gonna build to something with the repeat playthroughs of the final boss.

And of course, the biggest missed opportunity in my opinion, Marina Agitando.

Now look, i wanna say right off the bat, the design is excellent, it was so smart to bring back her Order outfit and make her into a giant abomination that moves in such a weird way that makes you feel uncomfortable. When i saw her for the very first time when you enter the room, i stood there for at least a solid minute in complete disbelief and shock seeing a giant Marina in some octopus tentacle heart thingy that beats and pumps with the music. The song that plays too "Unconscience" is such a BANGER and honestly it rivals Octo Callie's Bomb Rush Blush remix in my opinion.

The build up for this was pretty good too, seeing Marina say "help me" before she was knocked unconscious and then possessed by Overlorder BROKE ME! I was like "OH NO! ITS HAPPENING AGAIN! NOT MARINA!!" The build up to the 10th floor was so anxiety inducing because you know in the back of your mind that Marina is gonna fight you but you don't know what it's gonna look like, if you were there since Splatoon 2 and have watched Pearl and Marina since the beginning then this build up is even more anxiety inducing and its pretty damn good. And once you free Marina she feels so sorry about what happened and helps you out to put things right, heck she goes through a small character arc of embracing chaos.... but... i have to say...

It is unfortunately not executed that well or with any depth in my opinion because they repeated the whole thing of "oh no a character we know is evil because of (quote on quote) mind control!!!! oh noooo!!" Which is a tired trope in this series that needs to stop or else I'm gonna get REALLYYYYYY pissed off.

I've done enough ranting about Callie's villain arc and how that has been misinterpreted and stuff, but for Marina, i really wish they didn't do the whole "oh no a character is evil because of an evil character oh nooo!! we gotta save them!!" thing again and i wish Marina was more of a villain with a sad motivation for her actions. As much as its cute to see Pearl and Marina act all flirty with each other in Side Order, it kinda ruins the mysterious and dark tone of the story that was teased from the trailers and the tutorial in my opinion. Everything is also explained so quickly early on which really sucks. I really wish Marina was actually conscious throughout her time as Marina Agitando and most of it should have been her fault. She does blame herself for creating Overlorder but it's kinda brushed aside quickly and Marina ends up being totally fine and free of guilt. There isn't enough depth to it which is so lame and a missed opportunity.

Marina is flawed, she makes mistakes and acts emotional and angry sometimes. We have seen a side of Marina where she snaps at Pearl when she loses Splatfests and has shown signs that she still hasn't recovered from her time before she met Pearl.

She picked team Order because she was genuinely scared that her new life would fall apart and she doesn't wanna lose the people (especially Pearl) that she's met and grown to love. Marina is also heavily theorized to be on the autism spectrum and as someone who is autistic, i can see myself in Marina, they could have really explored Marina's psyche and mental health in Side Order but they just... didn't. Instead she's put to sleep and controlled by her ai child and all of the focus is put on stopping it like a traditional "oh no we gotta stop an evil ai!! oh noo!!" story... ugh... I mean Smollusk is cute i guess but there's not a ton to them and they come off as yet another "evil ai that wants order and control!! roarrr!!!"

From reading the most recent interview on Side Order and seeing the concept art, they said that they wanted to tell a story about Marina losing herself to a machine that she created. Could you imagine how tragic it would have been to learn more about Marina and how she's so wrapped up in anxiety that she decides to make this replica of Inkopolis Square and make the Memverse? Maybe at first she makes it to help Sanitized Octolings just like in the dlc, but then maybe due to overwork and burnout (which Pearl mentions in the tutorial by the way), her emotions and anxiety become so strong that she becomes consumed by it, this obsession of order and trying to achieve happiness takes over her and then she gets the idea to spread this order to the real world, where her friends can be "happy" and "safe." Maybe Overlorder is still there but they just whisper to Marina, manipulate and point her in the right direction to continue to her mission of order instead of just fucking knocking her out and using her as a meat puppet for 5 minutes.

Could you imagine how much better the build up would have been to not see Marina until you get to the 30th floor for the first time and you got to unlock her diary entries beforehand? Seeing her thought process and her slow descent into becoming an antagonist. I'm not sure how they would have changed the permanent upgrades but they could have thought of something man. I get that they wanted to subvert expectations but, i think they should have gone WAY further with Marina Agitando.

I was waiting for Pearl and Marina to have their "Tidal Rush" moment where it's this emotional battle between the two, could you imagine how DEVISTATING a remix of Ebb and Flow would have been if it had gotten that "Tidal Rush" type of remix? Pearl singing her parts in this chaotic and emotional way, on the brink of tears trying to get Marina back and calm her down, and Marina trying to fight back against her words, not wanting to believe her because she's so wrapped up trying to make them both happy in her way. She's so caught up in order that she has forgotten what Pearl wants, that Pearl wants to be with her and go against any obstacle that stands in their way together. God i would have cried seeing that I'm not gonna lie. Maybe once Marina starts to think rationally, she breaks free from the machine and then leaps into Pearl's arms, and then we have to go back up the 30 floors to fight Overlorder and we slowly see Marina learn to embrace chaos throughout the floors instead of it just being at the final boss.

I really do feel like Splatoon has this issue of trying to appeal way too hard to kids and being really scared to dive into the flaws of these characters. They are so avoidant of being more serious and they hide it away in optional collectables and obscure posts on social media that creates misinformation and stories that feel way too undeveloped. They just say "oh this character has been brainwashed!!" which is such a lazy and bullshit trope they slap on these characters to avoid getting into their flaws for some stupid reason. (Hell that word has lost all meaning to me now to be honest. Like no, Callie wasn't "brainwashed" per say, hypnosis is not brainwashing or mind control I've said that a trillion times in other blog posts but whatever. Agent 3 was knocked out and had no clue on what was happening. They weren't "brainwashed" they were used as a puppet from a fucking goopy telephone for five minutes while they were asleep. Maybe its poor translation i don't know.)

I know that Splatoon is made for all ages and primarily for children but, i find that to be a stupid excuse for bad storytelling, a good story with depth that's explored and set up properly can be applied to all kinds of age groups not just adults. And the adults that say that shit too, why do you think like that? Why do you wish to dismiss that sort of thing in media? So what if it's made for kids? Adults write these stories and plant themes and arcs into them. Why do you think people cried over the Rosalina storybook in Mario Galaxy and think its the best part of that game? You don't want that kind of stuff in games because "they are made for kids"? Why do you think there are so many adults in the Splatoon community hmm?

I am so worried for Deep Cut in the next game because i really don't want this to happen again, i want an actual proper villain arc for either Frye or Shiver. No hypnosis, no brainwashing, no mind control. Just a pure fucking villain arc caused by the flaws of the characters and without the involvement of a third party. Please, i wanna see growth in these characters that is explored way more clearly and better. Or maybe don't do a villain arc again and just have Deep Cut be fully happy with each other and develop their relationship more with lore and backstory. PLEASE!

Anyways ramble over, thank you for reading!

[takeme-totheworld]

I often see sentiments floating around my corner of the internet like "neurodivergent people tend to run in packs" and "neurodivergent people only struggle to socialize by neurotypical standards, put a bunch of neurodivergent folks in a room together and they'll understand each other much better," and while those things are no doubt VERY TRUE, I've realized recently that my mind has also turned them into a weapon that I use to invalidate myself constantly (because I DEFINITELY needed more of those /s).

Because most of my social circle is some kind of neurodivergent (because of the whole tendency to run in packs) and there are plenty of misunderstandings and conflicts to be found there, including many issues directly related to our neurodivergences. Conflicting sensory needs. Differing responses to anxiety or overwhelm or trauma that bump up against each other. Different cultural backgrounds and assumptions informing how our brain things get expressed.

It's rarely as simple as "one person was just being a jerk."

It's also rarely as simple as "one person is the Less Neurodivergent Person in this situation, and that person is guilty of not being accommodating enough of the More Neurodivergent Person's needs, and if they would just be better at it that would solve all our problems." As much as my rule-loving brain often wishes for that to be an equation I could run on every interpersonal conflict I've ever gotten myself into, in order to accurately determine who is responsible for fixing it.

I was raised by a single parent (who is no longer alive) who, in retrospect, was almost definitely autistic. I'm now starting to wonder if I may also be autistic. If you didn't know anything else about me or my parent you might be inclined to assume that we understood each other really well and got along great. And in some ways that was true—we definitely vibed out on similar wavelengths when just chilling around the house, in ways that the average observer would no doubt have found very weird—but in other ways it was VERY VERY NOT TRUE. And I'm not even talking about the big things, like the fact that they were super religious and did not handle my transness well. I'm talking about little ongoing things as I was growing up that messed with me in far more subtle but deeply engrained/long-term ways.

My parent was never diagnosed with autism (or anything, they had a deep distrust of mental health professionals and avoided them at all costs). They were also the product of an extremely Southern U.S, passive-aggressive, "guess culture" sort of boomer upbringing and cultural background and, I suppose, internalized that heavily in order to survive. So the assumptions, expectations, and messaging I received around certain things growing up were...a giant confusing mess, frankly. Being raised by an almost-definitely-autistic parent, in this case, did NOT automatically equate to being raised by someone who always communicated with me in a way my (also-possibly-autistic) brain was able to grok easily. There were certain things about which they would seemingly go to any lengths to avoid making direct asks about, and then they would get EXTREMELY annoyed and hurt when I seemingly ignored their unspoken requests.

So I learned to be REALLY GOOD at sussing out hidden asks from people and responding to them. Because over time I became anxious and hyperalert about the possibility that I wasn't doing things the people around me expected me to do and they were quietly seething about it (and/or deeply wounded by it). That thing a lot of neurodivergent people say about making an intense study of like...casual social interactions and small talk in order to be able to follow all the confusing unspoken expectations more easily? I did a bit of that, but it was a far lower priority to me than this. What I did kind of obsessively was make a study of deciphering the language of unspoken/soft asks and guess culture rules, so I wouldn't constantly find myself failing to deliver on things I didn't even know were being asked of me.

For a long time I wondered if this made my assessment of my parent's likely autism incorrect even though they were otherwise a textbook example in almost every way. The frequent and intense emotional dysregulation and sensory overwhelm, the shutdowns, the unusual body language/vocal inflections/facial expressions and the inability to parse those things in others, the social discomfort/awkwardness and isolation, the adherence to rigid routines, the narrow interests, the way they would repeat certain words and phrases frequently...I could go on. But they DIDN'T have the stereotypical "extreme directness/say what you mean no matter what" pattern of communication. And neither do I. Because of a cultural upbringing factor.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I have a million different examples like this in my mind of ways that my neurodivergent friends/family and I have miscommunicated and confused each other and triggered each other and come into conflict in spite of (or in some cases, because of) our neurodivergences. But just explaining this one example has already gotten many paragraphs longer than I meant for it to be.

And while I wouldn't for a second trade my people for a pack of neurotypical folks—both because I love my people exactly the way they are, and because I'm sure the rifts in communication and understanding would only be that much bigger and more frequent if I was surrounded neurotypical people instead—hanging out on the neurodivergent internet has sometimes given me this false expectation that finding a neurodivergent social circle is THE key to a magical wonderland of perfect community and harmony where nobody ever feels alienated or misunderstood. And that has definitely resulted in A LOT of thought spirals of me going, "So what's wrong with me, then? Why do I get it wrong so often even with other neurodivergent people?"

I think the answer is: because people get it wrong with other people often. That's just what being a person is like.

[vorpalfae]

hey! i hope this isn’t too personal, but how did u go about getting diagnosed with autism or how did you bring it up to your doctor? i’m pretty sure i have autism but i don’t have a diagnosis and as a woman in her 20s i feel embarrassed 😭

okay so, actually i was having all sorts of issues that i now know are autism related and i didn't really know why and i spoke to my doctor and my therapist about it. they both were actually the ones to tell me i should get tested and they were the ones that referred me to a specialist in my area. my therapist even told me she couldn't diagnose me herself but she was willing to bet on the fact that i was on the spectrum just by what i've told her and the things she observed about the way i talk to her and other ppl when i was doing group therapy, etc. i honestly didn't really know anything about autism other than common knowledge and actually some misconceptions too. i was actually kinda shocked when i was told to get tested. my therapist had given me a referral and was trying for quite a while to get me a date to get tested. and then i brought up my sensory issues to my doctor and had a longg talk with him about other things i was experiencing emotionally and physically. and thats when he suggested getting tested too. after having a 2nd person tell me the same thing i asked if he could help set up an appointment and once HE put in the referral i was scheduled for a test in a matter of like a week or 2. so overall it took 2 separate referrals and about 3 months of waiting for the actual test.

sorry if that sounds confusing. basically when my therapist referred me 3 months went by and then when my doctor put in a 2nd referral it only took about a week. im not sure if it moved along faster because of my doctor or that just happened to be the time i got an appointment. either way it took a little while and it wasn't a quick process.

i've heard other ppl tell me different ways they went about getting a diagnosis. for example my mom's best friend got diagnosed as an adult and she actually scheduled the appointment herself without any referral. so i know it can be done. i really hope you get the answers u are seeking soon! i know i only just recently got a diagnosis but i know how frustrating it can be to not know whats going on with yourself or to feel like an alien most of the time. please don't feel embarrassed. you know yourself better than anybody and if you feel like you may be on the spectrum then you are absolutely right about wanting to get tested. even if you find that you aren't autistic you will at least know for sure and you won't always be wondering. and you may even uncover some other issue that you don't know about.

my bf was tested for autism as a kid and he's not autistic but he found out he had adhd by the same ppl who did the testing. i know it feels awkward especially if you are unsure. i felt the same way leading up to my diagnosis because i truly never imagined that thats what i was dealing with. but after finding out for sure a lot of my anxiety has been eased in a way. because i finally have answers to a lot of things in my life. sorry for the super long post. i've had this in my inbox for a while now and i didn't want to answer it until i had time to sit down and explain everything i know for you💜

i wish you the best of luck and i hope things go smoothly for you🥰

[capturingmyexperience]

ME

a little about me and my journey so far. I have spent my nearly 37 years misunderstood and asking myself what's wrong with me? why can't I cope like everyone else, oh but I was funny and made everyone laugh with my blunt abrupt approach. years pass and I become a mummy which sent me into an even bigger downhill spiral not just me to think about but another two humans who rely on me and my partner on top of that.

the the comments begin oh you should tidy while they are asleep you should do xyz, never once did anyone say cut yourself some slack and offer a helping hand or ear to just listen as everyone I approached to reach out and open up, they hard it worse or what I was feeling was completely fine. I now realise yes this is normal in my family case as there is a lot of undiagnosed autism/adhd.

I return to my mask and my shell as what's the point nobody is going to listen. Given tablets to help with the anxiety would you like some therapy? constantly reminding the doctors I wasn't depressed. as the two times I did accept therapy, I was in meltdown stage and both therapists joked about bipolar, but in the end said you just don't cope well with everyday stresses which build up. ya don't say Sherlock!

I will just hide behind the mask a little while longer shall i. years have past and seeing the same struggles in my own children give me the fire in my belly to fight for myself and them. school doesn't get to see the meltdowns but I also don't have any faith in that system as my own school reports clearly says school let me down and I didn't receive the support I needed, every teacher saying the exact same things, works better one to one, daydreams, could achieve more and so on.

fast forward still waiting for my own assessment I take both my two children private, and I will eventually go the private route for myself. now I know more about autism and adhd and both my kids having two complete different profiles and no two people are the same.

and to the eye my both kids don't fit the stereotyped autism and neither do I and I'm sure like many other parents out there, we are faced with oh they don't look autistic, what does autism look like ?

this has all brought me down a path of passion and wanting to work with children. Help children fully accept themselves, for who they are. In a world that we need to hide who we truly our. I hope one day I have a unique space were I can offer a safe counselling service , which breaks the stigma that there needs to be something wrong with you stop seek help. I wish this to be in an outdoor setting casual not a forced faced to face interaction which causes so much unease.

I also suspect dyslexia with myself so if grammar bothers you just remember I'm trying my best here so bare with me on that one lol.

when I'm writing I type fast and don't proof read because my words come out fast just like they do from my brain so I roll with it. Sometimes il proof read and other times I just let it roll as that's just part of who I am.

I cannot wait to read other peoples stories and I have a few stories ready and waiting to be uploaded just not sure how to do it yet lol.

CAPTURINGMYEXPERIENCE

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Every time I get into youtube this days there is like five videos about terfs and four that are exclusivaly about JK and always from new people debating it again and again and I don't know why the algorithmic thinks that because I watched some of thoses videos some time ago I'll want to keep doing it forever and like I'm just soo tired.

I don't know how to explain it because I feel shitty all the time about a bunch of things and transphobia is on top and I'm tired. And when I enter youtube I don't want to be bombarded with the memory that there is a vocal group that hates my existence and has a lot of political support. I just want something to play while I try to finish all my monthly solitary challenges and destress so I can think.

And that's nothing against the videos. I understand we need to talk about it and it's good that the bigots aren't the ones completly controlling the narrative but I don't know I guess I just want some queer joy. I just want to be happy for half a second. And I used to not care. But I'm the only trans person (and nb person) on my friend group and somehow even though all of them are some degree of queer I became the one that has to talk about it all the time. To explain my existence, to explain their existence to others (they ask me to do it), to try to explain to good intencioned bigots why they are still bigots and I just... I just want to exist for half a second man.

I'm not perfect. I literally just misgendered a characther for stupid reasons like five minutes ago and I still have to be the one that has to explain shit because idk I'm open about it? I'm not. I gave up talking to my parents about it after my mom said the reason for my gender confusion was because she wanted a boy when she was pregnant but I'm just a confused girl and said she was sorry for having post partum depression and making me queer or something and I don't even dare to try to talk about it with my family. I love my family. My grandma gave me happy birthday and said I'm her favorite grandaughter and I want to keep living in their lie thatthey love me unconditionally and we can only keep that if they never know. Maybe is because I'm vocal about being autistic? Because it sucks. I had a panick atack reading an old academic article about autism in class because it was soo dehumanizing and no one else saw it that way. The future ABA people treat me like a kid and are shocked that I'm just a fully functional 21 yo. And I have to debate them! To respect their choice of activally pursuing a path that harms kids and if I question it I'm just silly and my personal experiences don't matter because I was diagnosed later and never had ABA and the mothers of the kids they intern with love ABA and I don't even know what this post is.

I'm just having a burnout from existing I guess. From existing and being a good public speaker while having perfomance anxiety. And no one ever used they/them or any neutral language to reffer to me and I always say I use neutral pronouns as well and list it on my bio. And I was listed as woman for someone who accepts me and when I mentioned they thought someonelse did it and I just let them gaslight this person because I knew it wssn't on purpose and had no energy and the other girl would have done it anyway.

I think I wish I had just an opportunity to be rude. That I didn't need validation and to be liked for everyone. That I wasn't so afraid of being a problem. That I could just say that it's good that you don't see my boobs as a part of my gender and I know it isn't your intencion but it gives me dysphoria sometimes andbit really really annoys me how everytime someone goes "you really want top surgery?" yeah. I'm sorry you feel dysphoric for having small boobs or whatever but I literally have to do a drag persona in my head everytime I use a dress or make up because I can't see myself as the person in the mirror and I'm just tired because everyone has valid reasons except me. I only have valid reasons when I'm actually wrong. And I just want to be a prick to everyone even if they don't deserve it at all because I don't deserve it also and I don't know how to solve it and I just wanted some queer joy. The euphoria of being the "somehow this is the most feminine and the most masculine look you had" by a close friend. The silly smile when my aunt reffered to me on the masculine for accident. Hanging out with my queer friends and feeling I have a place. The quiet moments of just existing and feeling good with it. The happiness of when someone actually gets it. The niceness of just being myself to myself at least.

[planetarybound]

Feeling better today. Long personal post about lots of stuff. 🙂

Finally felt like the dark cloud that's been over me since the transphobic therapist appointment is dissipating, still not feeling as good as I was before then though. Had a wonderful morning video chatting @mercuryrisinginvirgo for a couple of hours. We went to the gas station and I got some more energy drinks and taquitos, and I couldn't ask for a better beginning to the day.

Last night my mom got drunk and went rambling about how I used to line up my toy cars and planes into perfect straight lines, but when I said maybe I'm autistic, she adamantly denied that and said I'm perfectly normal. So I mentioned how I had extreme anxiety and used to chew my fingernails to the bone, and then chew my fingertips to the bone once the fingernails were gone, but she didn't interact with that at all. Then went on about how she pulled me out of the private Christian school I was in as soon as I wasn't happy with it, which is wrong.

(I wanted out in 4th grade, by 5th grade I was suicidal and kicking and screaming in the car begging not to go, but was forced to go anyway, after a month of faking a fever to stay home, and would come home in tears begging to get out of there.)

Got me wondering how different things would have been if I could've gotten screened for and gotten some help for autism or other things.

I didn't know anything about trans stuff, but when I was 20 I definitely checked a bunch of boxes for gender dysphoria as well. I might have been having an autistic meltdown right around my 21st birthday, but instead of anyone treating it as anything like that, I ended up in a jail cell and did 60 days in adseg, followed by probation and psychiatry for a condition where way fewer boxes were checked.

And none of them are, now. They should still be, if that's what it were, but they aren't. But just...

Living a no income no nothing life at home on antipsychotics, until I was 26 and got approved for SSI, but then things went to hell in my house once again and I became homeless, and ended up in a halfway house, followed by moving back with family before covid.

That last night got me thinking of how different it all could've been. Wish I had more, or better direction than what I got back then.

Following a doctor in Oklahoma that realized she was trans made me go digging through my older blog posts on this and other blogs I had, and it reminded me of a lot of things I had repressed and forgotten. I took a gender identity test around a month ago, and here were the results.

Not sure what it means, or how different it would be if I were more independent than being forced into a son role at all times with zero privacy.

Anyway. I can't wait to be out of the house all day everyday until I can get to a different living situation. There's got to be something better than this life I'm currently living.

Big thank you to @mercuryrisinginvirgo for being there for me throughout everything. Not sure I'd be here right now if it weren't for her, and a big thank you to all of you who are here expressing yourselves on tumblr. You've all helped me so much, and don't even know it.

[inconveniently-discorporated]

It feels like I've been trained since I was a child to pass the allistic Turing test, and since I take well to training, I can "do" that (?), so I must not be, and it's like turning out the same for my kid.

Except in situations where we have insufficient data to output a desirable human outcome, we completely lock up and break down and go and hide in the bathroom to cry and text our friends and literally Google normal human responses to normal human social situations because not once in our 30 years of on-the-job sink-or-swim you're-just-supposed-to-get-it training have we encountered this unique blend of human personalities and we have no idea how to respond. (when I say our I mean me and my husband because my husband is objectively autistic and my daughter is not 30)

Like, when I see she struggles with doctor's appointments, so I think, "You know, when I was her age I really would've appreciated a detailed breakdown of what's going to happen and what's expected of me," so I DO THAT THING FOR HER. But then that's the appointment I bring up getting an autism assessment because of all this empirical data I collected, only I've detailed-ly prepared her for this appointment, so her doctor looks at me like I'm stupid because she's way more confident and able to handle this appointment.

> hamilton

> you looked at me like I was stupid, I'm not stupid

Did you know today I texted a group of trusted people (who I've drunkenly confided in abt spectrum suspicions but not sober or explicitly) asking if they would hand-write or type and print a note to a professional mentor, but then I didn't have the courage (when they said hand-write) to ask if they would do it on lined or unlined paper? So I just didn't write the note at all because it caused me a great deal of anxiety wondering about this and evaluating the pros & cons of either option? And I couldn't tell which pros/cons would be a bigger deal to someone else, namely the person I have gotten to know over the past year?

I don't even know what I'm looking for? Validation, understanding, community, explanation, I guess. Tips on how to better pass the allistic Turing test, I guess. Not having to hide in a bathroom to cry anymore, probably, which I did as recent as one (1) month ago as a grown ass adult in my 30s because I finagled my way into a party of fellow parents which is a situation I've never been involved in before and promptly BSOD'd so bad I had to hide and text some safe friends about it.

I don't know where I was looking to go with this so I'll just end with this: I wish it wasn't so hard and I wish people were more forgiving and understanding. AI is scary but exciting and I can relate a lot to it and it makes me think a lot of thoughts about myself and the people I care about. I don't want my daughter to have to feel like I felt all the fucking time growing up. I want her to like herself and not hate herself because everyone around her doesn't understand and is confused and overwhelmed by her. I want better for her.

What good is passing the test on paper if realistically everyone can tell you didn't and hates you for it?

[hannaweeen]

How a Late Autism Diagnosis Affected Me

TW self-harm, suicidal thoughts and sensitive topics.

Over my teenage years, my autistic traits became more prevalent. I knew something deeper was going on than anxiety, but I didn't know what it was.  I assumed everything, bipolar, BPD, social anxiety... there never was much awareness of autism among girls. I wish more people were speaking and showing the traits. I don't remember talking about autism at all, and this was in the 2010s! The amount of counselling and GP visits over these years without being heard or listened to is terrific.. in a wrong way! I've already spoken about theseappointments over my teenage years. There needs to be more research and awareness for the mental health teams and GPs about this.  My heightened emotions were a lot to deal with during my teenage years. This lead me to self-harm for years, not doing coping strategies and having PLENTY meltdowns. Of course, I didn't know it was a meltdown at the time. My emotions felt intense; a small trigger could send me into a massive crisis. Over the years, I attended A&E several times in a self-harm crisis because I didn't know how to handle or cope with these emotions. I became easily suicidal. All of this was emotional dysregulation.  I didn't have friends; but when I did, I pushed them away and often broke boundaries. All of my friendships were very intense in my late childhood and teenage years. I often fell out with people and argued easily, pushing people away because i didn't know how to communicate. My sisters pointed this out to me, and I didn't know why I was that way. This trait of autism really made me feel lonely for years and like I wasn't 'normal'. 

Avoiding social situations, being seen as rude, having a low social battery and not understanding why. 'Anxious and an introvert", I just thought to myself.  Little did I know that this was my autism too.  I wish I had known. I wish I had the answers to my questions. It would have helped me to accommodate and understand myself so much more. So much distress and trauma with no answers. I also would have gotten more help at school. In my opinion, more awareness is needed. Especially for autistic girls and women.

[probably-autistic-moss]

Moss relates + Is it an autistic trait?

Woah, our first crossover, lmao.

ANXIETY AND AUTISM

-

⚠️⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: SH AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ⚠️⚠️⚠️

-

From 2016 to 2018, I went to therapy.

I was severely depressed, I had panic attacks almost everyday, I often thought about ending it all, and I had issues with handling social situations. I also used to SH, as a way to punish myself for a lot of things I was made fun for - things I now recognize as autistic traits.

My therapist, Dani, first helped me to stop physically hurting myself, and before I quitted therapy for economic reasons, she was starting to tackle my emotional SH.

I loved Dani, because she loves Marilyn Manson - pls do not talk about the allegations against him, I already have a blog where I sometimes do that, and this post isn't about him - as much as I do. When tackling my issues with emotions - confusion about them, difficulty with expressing them and/or myself - she started asking me which one of his songs was relatable to what I was feeling. It worked extremely well, so much so that I confessed to her how much I quoted music in general and movies to express myself, because I was scared of expressing myself in the wrong way and being misunderstood. She took it as another symptom of my anxiety.

We talked about many other things, and I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and with a major depressive disorder.

When, around 2 years ago, I started to suspect I'm autistic, I never really thought about my other 2 diagnosis... until now.

As whoever actually follows me knows, I stopped doing active researches on autism in fear of just being influenced by what I was reading, so now I just research what I randomly find out on socials.

I saw this TikTok, talking about autism and anxiety, and it's incredibly similar to my experience. I wasn't medically treated for anxiety and depression just because I didn't have the money to do the visits that would have allowed me to be prescribed with antidepressants and other meds, and now I'm asking myself if those meds could have worked or not.

I'm pretty sure I really did/do have a major depressive disorder, especially because of all the physical and the emotional SH, and the emotional SH I still do. I also had a pretty traumatic childhood that could be the main cause of my depression.

But what about autism?

Could autism be another reason for my depression, and the main reason of my anxiety? Is my anxiety an autistic trait, since it's exactly like that TikTok describes?

I keep asking myself these things, and I wish I could have an answer.

[kettlepickle]

How do people even make friends?

I'm having a meltdown and my anxiety is winning right now so I'm going to vent because theres nothing else I can do

I have friends, I've known them for a long time but I don't understand how these friendships came to be

I was never a child that had a shit ton of friends, only ever 3 or 4 kids but only one of them was really my friend

Then in middle school I met some other kids but didn't work out too well and I don't talk to most of them except 5 or 6 people

We met because I was on a group project with them and just kept talking to them after ninth grade (the pandemic "helped" amd we kept talking on whatapp since then)

Now I go to college and have not made any friends and don't know how

I also figured out I'm autistic (got diagnosed this year) and stopped masking most of the time and told this to the class

I like my friends but I just wished I had people to talk to at my class because I just feel like I dont fucking belong (my friends don't go to my university and I'm basically an outcast there)

I genuinely don't know how to make friends, I never learned how to do a first impression on people and don't know how to engage

I feel like I don't have anything interesting to other people and act too weird to be liked by neurotypicals

I can't even summon the courage to talk to other autistics because I just don't know how to start a conversation without embarrassing myself for being weird and uncanny

I've heard that people think I act standoffish and odd specially when I was masking so I decided to stop just because it wasn't working

Now I feel lonely and I don't even know how to tell that to my own friends cause they already deal with a lot of shit in their lifes, putting my anxiety on them just feels daunting and makes my anxiety even worse

I've been on tumblr for a while just because I wanted to meet more people but I just have no idea where to start and now i feel useless

Even when i take the steps to get to know more people i still end up isolated

I just don't know how to function like a fucking normal person and it makes me feel like shit

It gets worse because i do have friends, but we just talk via social media and barely see each other and i feel like shit because why would i feel lonely, i have friends and a nice life why is everything so hard when i have all the help i need and still i manage to fuck my social life up when people have it much worse than i do

I feel like a fucking idiot because i have all the support i could get and still destroy every opportunity to make friends by being too weird

I hate feeling lonely why do I feel so lonely as an adult this shit sucks

I used to be so different as a child, I didn't know how to make friends back then either but I could just copy the adults and it would work at all times and the adults thought I was so smart and mature, now other adults think I'm too weird and I hate kids (not directly, can't stand their energy and they're loud sometimes) so nobody likes me anymore besides my family and my only friends

I hate being this socially inept I'm so fucking incapable of talking to people

Even in social spaces for autistic people here on tumblr i feel like i can never belong

I guess i couldn't admit that I hated myself before

I don't think I hated myself, I guess that's why I grasped my self confidence so strongly ultill I crushed it and now it's gone

I created my personality around being smart and getting good grades in everything, but ever since I started 10th grade my grades have been declining and I guess I'm late to the fact that I don't have any real interests and don't know how to have a social life

Nobody's gonna read this anyway I don't know why I even fucking bother

I hate myself and I hate my neighbors and I hate everyone that missed little child me when I was obviously autistic and my parents juts heard that I would grow out of it but years later I got diagnosed

Sometimes i question my autism diagnosis but then this shit happens but i still doubt it

I'm really spiraling huh

My mental health is getting so much worse and I don't know if the therapist I'm.going to start seeing next week is going to fix it because the other therapist I was seeing before was completely useless to me and just made everything worse

Guess I just fucking hate myself

[frostworkxfiction]

Today was fucking ass. The first part of my shift was fine. They found my missing jacket and someone brought cupcakes to the teachers in the Ones room and we each got two.

Then I get told to go to the Twos. The teachers in there did next to nothing, I was left in there alone with close to 20 kids in there and I had to do almost EVERYTHING. The kids were misbehaving and there was this one boy who was throwing things at other kids and trying to hit me. I told his dad, his dad gave me attitude and used the kid being autistic (which no one told me) as an excuse.

I nearly had an anxiety attack. My boss saw I was in there alone but still acted surprised I was the only one in there cleaning up. The girl that was with me was on her phone most of the time she was in there (we can only check our phones for the clock if we're outside or for emergencies) and she just walked out when she saw we still had more kids in there.

There was one boy who had poop in his diaper because he didn't get changed and I couldn't bc no one was there to watch the others

On top of that, my boss saw it was just me in there and kept bringing MORE kids in there for me to watch

I don't know how many kids possibly got sent home dirty because I couldn't take care of everything at once. I hope I don't get in trouble for that bc it wasn't entirely my fault.

There were dirty diapers in the trash bc the diaper pail was beyond capacity. It shouldn't have been. And the place was absolutely atrocious.

The thing that really fucked me up was almost getting hit in the face by a kid and when I explained to his father about his behavior, the father gave me attitude and used his son's supposed autism as an excuse for him hurting another child and almost hitting a fucking teacher (me). I almost had a fucking anxiety/panic attack because of the whole situation but that's what fucked with me the most.

Like, I understand being autistic, I am like 90% sure I'm somewhere on the spectrum myself but it's not an excuse for that sort of behavior. My niece is the exact same way though she is a more extreme case. She gets away with SO MUCH shit because of her diagnosis and she has picked up on that and now uses it to her advantage.

There are so many ways to teach kids, even those that are neurodivergent, about appropriate ways to interact with other people. Granted, I wish someone had told me that the kid was autistic but as usual, no one tells me anything.

Thank God for my girlfriend though. Genuinely don't know what I would do without her. She picked me up after I got home and made my night so much better.

[inactive-luv]

The Absence of Rain

The Absence of Rain

"the absence of rain is when good things are most present."

the absence of rain

Summary: Y/N Y/L/N meets a stranger in the rain

Pairing: (Spencer Reid x Autistic!Fem!Reader)

Details: I hope I did my best to convey proper Autistic traits; my ASD is not the same as the readers' character, the same way no one's ASD or Autism is the same.

Category: fluff

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: Autism

A/N: I decided to make the reader Autistic. This was originally just a short story I made in English lit class my senior year, but upon rereading it, I decided to use the same prompt to write this fic

...

It's two in the morning. The Virginian rain drizzles as it has for the past two days without stop. She loved the rain, even if it was a sign of sadness or sorrow. She misunderstood it when people said the absence of rain was when good things happened. Until tonight when the theory was proven very, very true.

...

She walked from her job down to the bus stop at two in the morning when it started to rain harder than the usual drizzle from earlier in the evening. She spent time analyzing the splashing of droplets, echoing in her head after a long day. Her head raised to watch the water slap against the glass roof above her.

She stayed like that for a while, soothed after a stressful day by the calming aspects of the rain. She was watching and waiting, sitting in her bus stop seat. Her hands folded in each other to scratch lightly at her fingers, bundles of nerves across her skin aching to be touched.

She wants to stay here forever and quietly wishes for a late bus before her peace is interrupted when she sees a dark figure move across the station bridge. Her face turns puzzled, trying to analyze the new person in her space.

He looks tall from a distance. That's the first thing she notices about his body before she investigates further. She thinks about his satchel bag and his converse shoes, how he holds his umbrella in his right hand, and a book in his left. She can't make out the cover, but it must be pretty slim from how fast he blows through it.

She thinks about what would happen if he would walk over to her. She's seen him only a few seconds, yet she feels drawn or compelled to wonder further. He steps to his side, adjusting his stance, and his face falls under the light of the bus station for a second.

His jawline, eyes, lips, and everything about him leaps out immediately, catching even more of her attention. He must have felt her gaze over him, like an ocean wave crashing over a beach. A certain persistence to discover makes her eyes stay glued to the dark figure.

He swallows his lips before turning to see if she was maybe looking at someone else. He expected it. He expected not to be expected of. So when her eyes stayed fixated on him, he was a little curious. And during this time, all she can think about is if he came closer. Suppose he could turn to her so she could find the thing. The thing about him that made him so compelling.

And he does it. He starts to walk over with his book in one hand and the other in his pocket. The sounds she once found comfort in faded as he walked up to her, and everything turned to silence. The soft patter of the rain, once saturated and abstract ringing through her head, turned pale and hushed.

He watches how her eyes still stay attached to him, almost obsessively. A silence fills the space between the two before he breaks it so haphazardly, she can't help but shudder a little.

"Excuse me?" So she turns her head and is met looking up to the dark figure. He's much taller now that he's closer to her, and his hair is long. Long hair so obviously stretched under the rain, with soft curls ever so innocently framing his face.

He doesn't know what to say after that. He couldn't make out exactly who she was or who he was even expecting but, she was beautiful. He finally took notice of the more calming features about her rather than the creepy stare. He saw how her skin glowed, and her lips parted slightly as if in deep thought.

During this time, he notices the silence forming again, and he breaks it once more before he can hear her voice. "Uhm, can I sit?" He murmurs as an excuse he perhaps too eagerly came up with, taking notice of her puzzled expression. "Yeah, here, let me move my bag." Her voice dribbles out of her mouth, laced with an extensive kindness that intrigued him incredibly.

He mumbles a small 'thank you' back while he undoes his umbrella and takes a seat next to her. His head is facing the street now, but he still feels her eyes on him. It takes him a minute to swallow the lump in his throat before he turns to her again, craning his neck to meet her eye-line looking up at him.

His eyes meeting hers makes her pause for a moment before hastily averting her attention from him to anything in her way. The grass peeking through the concrete or the way the rain filled the puddles on the sidewalk.

And just like that, the silence, as well as it faded out, fades back in. The soft sounds of rain climb back through her ears to fill her brain again. Easily and slowly, she listens to the buckling of the stranger's bag, as if he was trying to make an as little sound as possible not to annoy her. But the sound doesn't upset her. It calms her.

It intertwines with the rain in a calming way. Everything blends smoother than she expected. She expected sounds to scare her as much as they usually do meeting a stranger, but the sound of his skin against the leather, and the pitter-patter of the rain, calm her.

So she's at peace when he breaks the silence once more. Although now, his words don't break the silence as much as they seep into the silent sounds, merging to form a tranquil melody. She realizes she could get used to his voice.

"Where are you coming from at," He looks down at his watch, over his sleeve for convenience, a trick she notices because she does the same thing, "two in the morning?" His tone acts as if he made most of his living in the night; the calmness, even in such an abundant presence of darkness, leads her to believe he'd done this a million times.

"I lost track of time in the library." He smiles again, "I thought only I did that." She smiles back at him and feels her cheeks start to swell and pink. He listens to her words; there weren't any libraries open this late at night he of all people should have known that.

He contemplates asking; further, he really wants to. He wants to listen to her voice again and again over and over because, unlike anyone else's, he thinks he'll never get tired of it. But he doesn't pester; he waits, hoping she'd further the conversation herself.

Little does he know she's thinking the same thing. She was thinking about every question he's asked and every question she wants to ask him. But he was a stranger even if she hoped he wasn't for much longer.

It takes a lot of strength for her to continue the conversation but noticing his peaked interest, her tone of voice heightens, "I was working at the university, that's why I was out so late." His questions are answered and followed by more, "Really? What do you do?" he wanted to know everything about the mysterious girl at the bus stop, and she was willing to answer every one of his asks.

"I help my friend who's a professor there, but I'm a medical examiner." His eyes light up, "Really? That's cool." He tries to keep his voice calm, but it trickles out so quickly, and this time she can catch his investment, and it gets easier to talk to him as if she'd known him a hundred years.

"I look at dead bodies all day. You think that's cool?"

"Well, to be fair, so do I,"

"Oh! Are you a serial killer?" Her best shot at sarcasm was successful, he laughed.

Like a modern orchestra erupting into its triumphant climax, the rain, the air, his laugh soothes her ears until she's blessing the world for her ability to hear. It's a kind of sound that reverberates in her mind and stores itself to her happiest emotion.

A type of sound she wants to hear for the rest of her life, but sadly, all of this excitement at once becomes too much too quickly, and her smile slightly fades while his head is turned.

She didn't have too much trouble with sound, so her anxiety heightened slightly when she became overwhelmed. A type of overwhelmed he could sense before he tried to lighten her mood. "No, I just catch them," He turns to reach into his bag, swiftly pulling his federal badge out and showing it to her.

She reads his badge quietly, "Doctor Spencer Reid." That's the first time she learns his name. A doctor working with the FBI. She reciprocates his actions and reaches into her pocket to pull out a card. On it, her name and medical license. "Doctor Y/N Y/L/N." A doctor working in a hospital.

"I'm in medicine. What about you?" Spencer clears his throat and holds up three fingers in one hand, clutching the card tightly in his other. "Chemistry, mathematics, and engineering." Her eyes widen, and her mouth forms a small 'o'; he just twists his face as if he was used to that answer.

And then, abnormally sudden, the rain started to let up, proving good things do happen in the absence of rain.

...