#i wish myself a very find the energy to find a new fucking job and not just default to food-and-entertainment mode the second i get home!

[ohtobeleah]

Okay here me out…. DiNozzo and McGee going to your house to get you for a case and walk in to find you and Rooster after spending the night together.

I fuck with this concept I really do. As always here’s NCIS // Bradley Bradshaw if you missed the fix drop on Wednesday! And the new Masterlist

Honestly, I see this happening like a week before you and Bradley decide to make things official. Four weeks before he’s shipping out to TopGun. Four weeks before the very case DiNozzo and Mcgee are coming to get you for, ends up being the case that gets you shot for the very first time. Four weeks before Bradley Bradshaw is having an existential crisis over how fucking terrifying your job is.

“Why do you have a key to Junior Gibbs’s place and I don’t?” Tony questioned with a frown as he stepped out of the car he’d haphazardly parked in your driveway. “Seems a little off—“

“Seems like a question you’ll have to take up with her don’t you think?” McGee smirked as he casually jogged up your set of stairs, coffee in hand as he shoved the key to your townhouse into the lock on your front door. “Y/n? Hey it’s us! We got a—“ McGee didn’t even get to finish his sentence before he was staring down a sight in the living room of your home he wished he’d never had to bear witness to.

You were his boss's daughter, his partner. The sight of you sleeping on the couch in what he could only describe as one of those sheer babydoll dresses, wrapped in a mess of legs and muscular arms. Bradley Bradshaw who was still very much exposed. His junk still pressed against your ass as you slept. One wrong move and he’d be on full display for the entire world to see. Sleeping soundly with his face a mess in your hair. Still damp. Cheeks squished against the junction of your shoulder.

Since the moment Bradley decided enough was enough after having watched you aimlessly drift around the Carlton looking for your room, he knew he wanted you in his life in some way shape or form. After having spent the majority of the afternoon guiding you around the carrier—you exchanged numbers, emails, socials, everything. A friendship un like any other he’d ever known quickly bloomed out of thin air.

Bradley Bradshaw was happy to have you in his life as just that, a dear friend he’d walk across a burning hell to get to if you called. If you needed him. But let’s be honest here—Rooster didn’t have a lot of people in his life. His father Nick had died when he was three, his mother Carole had passed only a few short months before he was accepted into the Naval Academy, and the only father figure he’d ever really known had done the absolute unthinkable. Pulled his Naval Application. So when he started to realise you held a bigger place in his heart then he’d initially anticipated? Bradley knew he was down bad. He’d never had a best friend that was so effortlessly easy to love in so many ways.

And as for you? Bradley Bradshaw had managed to weasel his way into your heart from the moment he stopped you in your tracks on the Carlson. You weren’t a love at first sight kinda girl—but you quickly became the ‘My best friend is the love of my life but I’m too afraid to admit that to him or even myself bitch’.

So, as the years went by—mutual feelings developed fast, quickly and became increasingly fucking noticeable. The line between friendship and relationship blurred to something nonexistent and you and Bradley went about your lives perfectly happy with that. Until you both decided enough was enough—someone had to give, crack under the immense sexual energy that constantly radiated off the two of you.

It was Bradley. He was the one to crack first. He’d come to visit the week before he started his TopGun training. He’d always been very careful to keep his life with the navy, his aviation career and his colleagues and friends separate from the life he lived with you. Domestic, loving. Call him selfish but he wanted you all to himself. Bradley didn’t want to share or inadvertently collide his two lives. He had an irrational fear that maybe wasn’t all that irrational when you think about it, he was scared the moment he finally accepted the friendship and love you had always given him wasn’t a fever dream he’d lose you to some higher power. The same higher power that had taken everyone he ever loved away from him.  

“Hey woah, hold on a second—“ Bradley didn’t know what to make of the situation unfolding before him. What the actual fuck were you up to. “I was walking by but this caught my eye.” Pushing the bathroom door open more as he walked in. “What’s going on in here?”

“Stop—“ You beamed at Bradley through the mirror as he stood behind you. A cautious hand coming to rest gently on your hip. The silk fabric of that dangerous white babydoll you wore under his rough palm.

“What’s this?” He asked again with more interest, a shit stirring grin evident on his face as he beamed back at you. Trying to make out what the fuck you were trying to achieve.

“This is—“ You tried to explain before Bradley cut you off with a chuckle full of glee.

“Oh yes, yes please do tell—“ Bringing his other hand up to play with the hair that was twirled tight around the legging of the pair of pants currently on your head.

“I’m curling my hair!” You couldn’t help but to laugh as Bradley eyes you down with shock in his eyes. That was not what he was expecting you to say, sure he didn't really know what to expect but it definitely wasn't that. “I’m serious it’s a legit thing Bradshaw—“

“With pants!?” God Bradley couldn’t believe it. In all the years he’d known you, this was never something he'd imagined you do. “What the fuck, is this something new?”

“It’s better for your hair because there’s no heat—“ That was a legitimate fact. Heartless curls were in fact in. A trend that had a chokehold on you.

“Where did you see this?” Bradley’s tone was quick to change as he asked more pressing questions. Who had filled your head with stupid hacks like this. But more importantly how was he supposed to control himself when you were wearing something as scandalous as a goddamn babydoll with such ease around him. Were you trying to kill him? He understood he was in your home, your safe haven. But were you honestly just unaware of how much of an affect you had on him? Or were you doing it just to fuck with him?

“I saw it in TikTok.” Oh. Yep. There it was. That’s just blatant stupidity.

“Oh my—“ Bradley threw his hands up dramatically. You missed his touch instantly. “In the year of our lord and savour twenty twenty two, we’re using pants to curl our hair now?”

“Yes!” You beamed, still working to twirl your hair around the pant leg.

“What is this! What even is this?” Bradley once again taunted you as he played with the loopy pant leg that hung by your neck twisted in your hair. The side you’d already done. “What’s going on here huh?”

“Rooster stop, I'm trying to get it all done right.” You only ever very rarely used his call sign, but when you did it melted Bradley’s top worlds together just a little more. His eyes on yours, looking at you with lust and need and all the admiration in the world through the mirror of your main bathroom.

“I’m so invested—when do I get to see the curled hair?” Watching as you finished the side you were working on. His hands coming to rest on your hips again, a wave of electricity racing through your body at his touch. Your skin hot with need.

“Are you ready for the finale?” Turning in Bradley’s grip that never faulted, you leaned against your bathroom countertop as he trapped you between strong arms like just looked way too fucking unreal in that plain black T-shirt. Biceps about ready to burst the hems open. He’d gotten noticeably bigger over the past few months, so noticeable you were even able to pick up on it via zoom. He’s been training a lot, preparing for TopGun. You were not opposed.

“Oh please, please show me—“ Bradley begged. He couldn’t wait for whatever stupid thing you were about to show him.

“You have to tuck the ears.” Pulling the two separate pant legs that held your hair in curls behind your head before folding them up and into the waistband that covered your head. “And then plop—“ You looked as if you were wearing a bonnet from the mid eighteen hundreds. Bradley Bradshaw had never laughed harder at how ridiculous you looked. But in the most beautiful way possible. For a brief moment, he wondered if you’d marry him one day. Because a life with you seemed not only one he’d wake up and pinch himself about every morning, but it seemed like fun. A life with you seemed fun and exhilarating because you were fun and oh so exhilarating.

“Oh you are just adorable.” He cooed, hands needing at your flesh under the silk that adorned your hips. “You are my favourite person. This right here?” Letting go of you as he circrled his hand around your face. “Is my favourite version of you ever— hands down.” Before bringing his hand back to you, your arms wrapping around his neck casually as he glared his way.

“I invite you into my home and all I get in return is taunted and teased for my beauty routine.” You snickered softly as the gap became smaller and smaller. Bradley had even gone as far as to gently pick you up and sit you down on the countertop. Your exposed thighs on either side of him as his sweatpant clad legs. “You’re so rude to me—“ It was just so natural to be like this, act like this. Nothing felt out of the ordinary. To you anyway.

“Am not.” That was all Rooster could really muster as a coherent response because he was so lost in your eyes, so lost in the moment, so lost in the fact he was one hundred percent committed to the fact he was about to kiss you for the first time that there was no brain power left to formulate anything else but a two word answer. His mind flooded with the possibility of rejection, but how could he ever really know unless he went for it.

“You just wait, these curls are gonna be show stop—“ Before you could finish, Bradley had his hands cupping your cheeks. Keeping you close as he pulled you towards him. His lips crashing into yours with so much passion behind his cry for love that you forgot how to breathe. It felt like tears but it was only mere seconds before he was pulling away to read the room.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just really wanted to do that since like—“

“Carlton, since the Carlton.” You finished Bradley’s sentence seamlessly because it’s the exact way you felt. Crashing your lips back against his you both fell into a needy state of just wanting to be close to one another in a way that had yet to be explored. Fuck the consequences. To know what it felt like to touch one another, to love one another even just for a moment in such an intimate way was worth the risk of losing it all.

“Hey! McGee! What’s taking so long?” That's what led to this very moment. Anthony DiNozzo didn't want to disrespect a boundary you had obviously set. He didn't want to step through the threshold of your townhouse if you weren't expecting him to be there. There was an obvious reason you had given Mcgee a key but not him. He just didn't know it.

He had tried his best to wait by the car, but time was precious and you were already running late. Hence the house call. Running up your porch stairs DiNozzo clapped his hands together as he entered your home, rounding the same corner mcgee had a few moments ago.

“C’mon people—chop chop! What happened to rule number three?” To his shock he stood beside Tim who was still trying to process the sight before him. Anthony pealled his sunglasses from his eyes as he scoffed aloud. “Holy fourth of July weenie roast, what the hell am I looking at?” Stirring awake shortly after your eyes fluttered open as you tired to stretch out. Bradleys body stopping you from moving too much as his arm splayed over your waist, holding you flush against his chest. “Good Morning–” DiNozzo smirked as your eyes bugged out of your head at the sight of him and McGee standing in your living room.

“Jesus Christ!” An audible gasp left your mouth as you flailed in shock, rolling off the couch onto the ground with a thud. Leaving Bradley totally exposed.

“Oh my–” DiNozzo was quick to quip as Mcgee looked up at the roof. Raising a horrified brow as Tony  looked at you with concern. Gesturing to his own forearm in pure jealousy. “We may need to take a detour to the emergency department Mcgee.” Bradley Bradshaw was definitely blessed, but DiNozzo was over reaching just a tad. “Get the man something to cover up will you Y/n.” You were quick to throw a decorative pillow at Bradley’s junk trying to preserve whatever modesty he had left. The Thud it left against him jolted him awake with a quick snore.

“What the hell are you two doing here!?” You hissed as you gathered the nearest throw blanket, wrapping it around yourself as you threw another one Bradleys way as he stirred awake. “It's sunday!”

“Gibbs called, we got another case.” Mcgee answers as he stepped towards you, handing you the coffee he’d ordered you from the cafe downtown. “We’ll give you a moment to uh, change. meet us in the car?”

“Uh, like hell we will.” Tony scoffed again as he stepped forward, Bradley had woken up enough to realise what was going on although he stayed quiet. “One, this man who is very genetically gifted mind you has your federally issued handcuffs cuffed around his right wrist.” Fuck you’d forgotten about that. “Two, who are you and what are you doing with our Gibbs?” You could not have rolled your eyes any harder than you did as you worked to unlock the cuffs on Bradleys wrist with the key that was sitting on your coffee table.

“Uh, Yeah I’m Bradley.” You tried to say he didn't have to introduce himself like this as he rubbed his wrist, kissing you gently on the forehead. God you were so fucking embarrassed, and after such a good night too. But Tony beat you to it. His eyes wide and a cheshire cat grin evident on his face.

“You’re flyboy!” Tony bellowed through your townhouse. So enlightened with the situation that was unfolding. “Oh this is amazing, you finally made a move on flyboy!”

“Who?” Bradley turned his attention back to you as you huffed out a sigh of disbelief. Squinting your eyes shut in embarrassment as you felt the heat in your cheeks rising. Sitting beside him as he beamed your way. “Whose flyboy–?”  

“You are, well, unless there's another Bradley who she drowns on and on about.” Tony taunted as he looked around your living room. “We started calling you flyboy before Junior here slipped up and gave us a name, does not shut up about you man– we even put a jar on her desk that she has to put a dollar in everytime she mentions you or somethin about you.”

“I think that fund is single handedly paying for the staff christmas party this year, right Tony?” Mcgee just had to jump in on the fun even if just for one small jab.

“Flyboy huh?” Bradley chuckled as you hid your face in his shoulder. “That's kinda adorable.”  he’d never really known, but that was and always had been his name in your cell. Flyboy Bradshaw.

“Tony, we should go wait in the car.” Mcgee tried to be the voice of reason, but DiNozzo was having the time of his life. He never really had any dirt on you, but now? Oh this was his time to fucking shine baby. He liked you alot, as a colleague and friend. But god did he like to taunt you. It had to be fair game though, simply because your father would slap him upside to head if it wasn't.

“I'm telling Gibbs.” You stood with a look of horror as you held the throw blanket under your armpits. Coffee in one hand.

“I will shoot you in the fucking foot!” Pointing a finger DiNozzo's way you gritted your teeth. “I will tell my dad, myself.”

“I vote we don't, like at all.'' Bradley smiled nervously as he wrapped the blanket around his waist. Standing with a groan because much like you, he’d been curled up on the lounge all night after having gone another round after an impromptu snack. “Not until we at least talk?” Kissing the top of your head as he pulled you into his side, Bradley glared down the two NCIS agents that stood before him. “How about instead of flyboy you guys call me Rooster?”  sticking his hand out the shake Tony’s, Tony was quick to reciprocate the gesture by taking Bradleys frimley. “Or Lieutenant Bradhsaw.”

“There a story behind that callsign, Lieutenant?” Although you always spoke highly and alot about Bradley Bradshaw, you never really spoke all that much about Rooster. To you he was two different versions of the same man you loved. You respected him too much to go about your day telling anyone and everyone who would listen about all the nitty gritty details about his life. You would of course drown on about how much he made you laugh, his smile, activities you would get up to, if he was visiting. All that jazz. But never would you out his private life.

“Perhaps over a beer sometime?” Bradley smirked softly as he shook McGee's hand. “Although it's good to finally meet you both I feel like the circumstances could have been better and less exposing.”

“And less rushed, Gibbs we really have to go–Older, more frightening Gibbs is blowing up my cell.” Mcgee gave you a worried smile. “We’ll be in the car.” Watching as th two agents that had taken you under their wings left your home, you let out a sigh as you let your head fall into Bradleys chest. His arms came to wrap around your shoulder as you both dropped your blankets.

“I am so unbelievably sorry about that–about them.”

“Don't be.” Bradley chuckled to himself softly as he kissed your head over and over. “Just uh, promise we’ll talk after you get back?”

“Yeah, uh yeah of course, I don't know how long I'll be but my keys are in the bowl at the front door and there's gas in the tank so please feel free to do whatever.” You mentioned to Bradley as you pulled away, sipping the coffee that was just perfect. “I'm going to go get ready really really quickly and I'll be right back.” You weren't kidding, Rooster probably counted a whole three minutes before you were racing down the stairs again.

“Don't forget these.” Throwing you the handcuffs you’d used to cuff his hands behind his back last night. “I won't lie, that was a little embarrassing.” He’d managed to find his sweatpants in the time you were gone. Standing to meet you mere the front door as he handed you the key to the cuffs. “But I wouldn't mind doing that again.”

“You wanna maybe get dinner tonight? There's a really nice place a few streets down that serves really nice fusion.” Nodding, Bradley was careful as he placed the stray hairs that had fallen across your face behind your ear.

“I'd like that, yeah.” He was trying to downplay it, but his heart was doing fucking backflips right now. “It’s a date.” The horn of DiNozzo’s car interrupted before you could stay in the moment any longer.

“Alright I'm coming!” You shouted. “Don't get your knickers in a knot!” Turning back to Bradley you kissed his cheek. “See you later.”

“Bye honey, have a great day–” Bradley beamed with a tasing smirk as you ran down the stairs. You didn't know it, but the second Rooster shut your front door he was cheering. He had gotten the girl of his dreams.

“Hey, why does Mcgee have a key to your house and I don't?” Tony asked as he looked at you as you slithered across the backseat.

“I forgot he even had one honestly, he watered my plants the last time I went out of town.” You answered the all pressing question as you clipped in. “But you can sure as shit give it back after that fucking invasion of privacy.”

****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~

Tag: @auroraboreallisfine @tigerfan24 @atarmychick007 @rosee-sensuelle @unhingedhousehold @daisyhollyxox @luckyladycreator2 @86laura11 @justanothermagicalsara

[mrs-snape5984]

“Free me from this pain, I’ve been running from…”

“I'm tired and I'm free falling. Free me! I'm lost and I am calling you…” (“Free me” by Sia)

I’ve experienced some very rough hardships in my almost 40 years lasting existence in this world…but I’ve never given up on myself. I knew, that I’d have to fight my way back out of these horrible miseries, and I kept my faith to find the path to better times…to find the path, which will lead me upwards again.

I admit, these hardships left their marks, their scars on me. They formed my heart and my mindset…they made me the person, that I am today. I learned my lessons…and I kept going.

Since I’m living struggling with this goddamn bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS, my life has only one direction: It’s going downhill…and it’s getting faster! In these past 1,5 years, I’ve lost more and more of all the things, which made my life worth living for. I lost my ability to do my job as a pedagogue and social worker. I lost my freedom, since I’m stuck in my dark room day and night. I lost a lot of social contacts, since screen time is messing with my brain and each phone call costs me too much energy. I lost my capability to be an active mother for my three children…and this is the part, that hurts the most. Damn, I lost so much more…and I feel my heart shattering in pieces every fucking day!

Everything in my life is slowly falling apart and I’m losing my grip on reality…and on myself! The newest pain in the ass is probably my habit of passing out every few days. My whole system shuts down in the middle of a simple talk or something else and I’m falling into unconsciousness! I can’t remember the things, I’ve done before…I’m just blacked out for several hours. At first, my kids were afraid in these moments…especially when they couldn’t wake me up from this state! But now, they simply accept that “quirk” of mine as their new reality…and my motherly heart is aching for them. This shouldn’t be their reality! They shouldn’t have to live with a mother, who’s always in the dark…who’s always lying in bed! They’re children!! They shouldn’t have to whisper in my presence. I should be the person, they can rely on unconditionally!! Fuck…my heart is bleeding…and I’m sorry for my pathetic venting.

I need a way out of this hell…but since there isn’t any possibility for me right now, I’ll keep on clinging on Severus. My fantasies of him and my way of coping with my misery by writing stories about him and my - oh so self-inserted - OC Julia/Jules are the only thing, that keeps me mentally stable functioning. Well…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I mean, I know how depressed my posts might seem.

My favourite artist for my darkest ideas is my friend @madfantasy. I told Mani about my wish to be freed from my darkness…to be cured from my disease. I need a saviour…a true hero…I need Severus! Since there aren’t any promising medical treatments, I’ll need a magical miracle to get rescued. And this is exactly, what Severus is trying for me. He conjures the demons inside my soul and forces them to leave my body. Severus is the only person, who’s brave enough to face the darkness within me. He’s my knight…and the love of my life. 21 years of my life, it was Severus, who kept me going…who inspired me with his resilience and his courage! A lot of those previous hardships could be endured by me, because I had something, I believed in. I had something, that gave me confidence and strength. I had Severus. So, please…don’t let me lose my hope and my faith in his support. And don’t let me lose my faith in myself.

Mani, my precious friend, I’m stunned by your ability to understand my ideas. Every time, I’m commissioning you for another project, your art helps me to soothe my troubled heart. It is as if you’re drawing my feelings!! I can sense my own emotions in every single line of your drawing. You don’t know, how grateful I am that I was allowed to meet you here. I love our conversations and our understanding for each other. Feel hugged, Mani! I’m sending you so much love! ���🫂 (fly fly) 🥹🖤 Thank you for everything.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[art-of-mathematics]

i need to rant again (sorry in advance).

I feel very sad right now.

As I concretized what aspects I suffer under the most: it is primarily isolation and having nothing to do all day.

so i searched for volunteering opportunities.

(i want to volunteer) but seeing the offers for volunteering work almost being entirely a social volunteering activity made me very sad and frustrated.

and although i find that things like soup kitchen for homeless people are important and i value them - i do not know how i could integrate myself in there to do any activity where i would not just be entirely overchallenged by all social interactions stuffs. while also being bored of the tasks one could do here.

I searched further for any regular or any activities for autistic people or people with huge social inabilities- and it makes me so sad and angry... finding just the few scarce options i have also heard of already- occupational therapy, "work" therapy (which is very similar to occupational therapy), and then thats it for regular options.

for less regular options there is also very few options...

for volunteering work one also needs to be merely self-organized. and damn...

i just wish i had a job that i at least enjoy half of the tasks to do - and anything to do.

i hate being in this shitass huge city and having the same options as someone living in a damn tiny village... or forest.

//sarcastic: in a forest there might even be more options for me to engage with my environment than in this shitasshuge city of additional sensory torture...

it makes me so sad.

it feels futile.

like literally. the isolation and having nothing non-pointless to do make overcoming the shitty trauma far more difficult.

What can I do?

Talking with myself is an option I find even more depressing than just talking to no one for days.

its not even that i slightly like the isolation.

i hate it. i dread it! i prefer to live with some people in a shared flat. but this isolation chamber. i cannot take it.

but i mean: i am extremely privileged for living on my own, renting an apartment solely for myself. But I do not want to live for myself. It is isolating, debilitaing so. In a shared apartment there at least happens social interaction randomly, and I could even do the tasks I do already and would help someone with what i do. But this way its depressingly futile and lifeless.

I feel useless and like a damn burden.

This apartment I am living in is like the final storage facility of radiocative substances: its far away from any engagement places, on a mountain on the outermost edge of the city, with the only function to store and isolate the trash for many years and decades so it will finally fall apart one day, and does not annoy anyone with its existence.

damn. i feel so sad. i have very huge trouble sleeping since a week. i am tired. i am exhausted. breathing shallowly. cant focus. just mind fog. just shittt

am tired but cant sleep

can only complain.

i hate this futile attempt to "pull myself up by my own bootstraps". it is not only seriously energy-consuming, but also futile. But what else can i do?

fuck it. i am tired. yet cant sleep.

and dat thought circle now repeats itself 1000 times until i either get so angry or stressed that whatever might happen - or i might be able to navigate my fucked up mind into a different semi-disturbing thought topic.

i am tired.

yes, you are tired? tell me more about it. does it feel as if u got bread as brain?

yeah. totally. the bread is crumbling.

and what do we want to do with the crumbs now?

perhaps collect da crumbs, put it in a bowl (but not a holebowl) and then insert a liquid and stomp it very hard multiple times until it becomes dough again.

yay. we bake a tiny new brain bread now, dont we?

yeas, we do.

at least in our imagination it is that easy to get into a slightly better mental space - for few minutes - but that is a topic for another chapter.

no seriously. i have to come up with this kind of nonsense all the time because if i confuse myself with this kind of silly nonsense the shitty thoughts, feeling and memories get swirled around - and then they are less painful.

swirling the awful brain crumbs makes them feel as if they are disappeared - but only for the moment when i swirl the shit around. if the brain crumbsmsettle again it all starts to be unbearable again.

seriously this is exhausting. and why? damn why do i have to do this?

arent there more helpful/functional ways to deal with it?

if someone of you humans reading this knows a realitistic other functional compensation method, please feel free to tell me.

I am "am Ende meines Lateins" as that German saying goes. I have approached the end of having clues/ideas. Perhaps I have to accept I approached the invitable: the last station to Burnout and Boreout all at once!

the ring of running in a hamster wheel closes itself as the hamster approached light speed and time began to stand still.

as time stood still, all that was existent was the dead hamsters haunting memories,

still haunting him after he already succesfully died in one of his recursive nightmares.

but uhh. recursive nightmares are of a special kind... i assure you... but dont be sure about anything, thats for sure...

.. and that, my dear human beans, that is true irony.

legendary.

at least i can laugh about it - somehow. anyhow. whatever.

[fluffybutt-7]

🚨 MENTAL HEALTH CHECK 🚨

How is the ultimate fluffy boi feeling? Amazing posts as always ☺️

Okay I know I’ve got other asks and messages but damn I gotta give this one attention.

@lonely-latte I appreciate you and your friendship and support so fucking much, truly. You posted this on the 2 year anniversary of the man I loved committing suicide, and I was not doing okay. Doing much better now though. ❤️ Thank you for reaching out and checking up on me (along with the numerous, lovely friends in my DMs. I will respond, don’t worry 😭😂)

That being said. Others have also been wanting an update, and I thought this would be a solid avenue for that.

In all honesty, I have not been doing well at all. My life completely fell apart this year after moving away from the toxic, mentally abusive living situation I was in. I lost my job, my car, and then my brother and his wife told me I needed to find a new place to live. On top of the two years before being nothing but traumatic, life-altering events one after the other, it’s been a lot to process and has been very difficult to heal from.

I’ve been more burnt out this year than I have been in a LONG long time, and honestly feel like I hit rock bottom this year. I’ve barely had the energy I need to take care of myself, let alone stay in touch with friends offline and online. I appreciate everyone’s grace and understanding IMMENSELY, and would not have made it through this year without a great number of you, including yourself @lonely-latte.

I’m feeling better now mentally, though I’m sick this week. 🥲😅 I have a car that’s reliable and I love to be in, I’ve got a new job working at a dispensary and it’s so fucking fulfilling and fun (minus the corporate bullshit like not giving your employees sick days 🙄), and I’m in a cozy apartment that I can see myself being in for a few years. Things are MUCH looking up, but there is still so much to process and work through and heal from. Still going to therapy, tho not as consistently since I don’t have a consistent work schedule. All in all… this year broke me down more than ever before but things are looking up and getting better, day by day.

Thank you, @lonely-latte, and thank you to EVERYONE who has been checking up on me and wishing me well. You guys are like my family, and I’m forever grateful for you. 🥹❤️

[camelliagwerm]

tagged by @winedark a while back to do this! thank you, saff. a lot of this is under the cut because i am incapable of not yapping.

tagging: @dragonologist-phd ; @bearvanhelsing ; @waterdeep ; @kirkwall ; @thanekrios and @yennefre since i know all of you read <3

1. the last book I read:

i just finished reading dungeon meshi vol.5 literally last night. i can't say it was my favourite of the volumes so far, but they're easy to read and i definitely appreciate that .

2. a book I recommend:

i am always going to be recommending carmilla by joseph sheridan la fanu, particularly the edition edited by carmen maria machado, and the bloody chamber and other stories by angela carter. both of them are very formative, inspirational works for me as a writer.

3. a book that I couldn’t put down:

mexican gothic by silvia moreno-garcia. i devoured it on release in one sitting and i think of it fondly. another one is annhilation by jeff vandermeer from pure "what the fuck is going on?" energy.

4. a book that I’ve read twice (or more):

this is how you lose the time war by amar el-mohtar and max gladstone. i think this benefits from a reread, to be honest. and i highly, highly recommend the audiobook for as well.

5. a book on my TBR:

i've got so many on my tbr that it's sort of embarrassing, but for now let's go with the vampires of el norte by isabel canas (i adored the hacienda by the same author); chapter house dune by frank herbert (and oh my god, i'm determined to complete the six book series this year); and ring shout by p. djéli clark.

6. a book I’ve put down:

i often put down books with the intent of picking them up later for one reason or another (e.g. the vibes aren't quite right), but i distinctly remember having to put down god-emperor of dune by frank herbert and later restart it because holy hell i was not able to get through it on the first attempt.

7. a book on my wish list:

i have a huge wish list, but i think top of the list is silvia moreno garcia's new book the seventh veil of salome which is out this summer, i think. i love garcia's books - they're usually a tight 300-350 pages, and all standalones. i'm very interested to see what she does with this golden era of hollywood setting.

8. a favourite book from childhood:

i was a massive jacqueline wilson fan as a kid (and i think a lot of british girls around my age in particular really enjoyed her?) and my sister jodie really did hit where it hurts when you're a 10-11 year old. i also have to give a massive shout out to the edge chronicles by paul stewart & chris riddell, especially the quint and twig trilogies, because i read and reread those constantly as a kid; and of course, a series of unfortunate events by lemony snicket, which is about as formative as it got for me.

9. a book you would give to a friend:

hilariously i've sold a friend on dune by saying "i wouldn't recommend this to my enemy, but i'd recommend it to my best friend" and he bought it. but he also loves sci-fi and enjoys warhammer, so it wasn't exactly hard to sell it to him. i've also recommended carmilla, mexican gothic and annihilation a lot.

10. a book of poetry or lyrics you own:

i don't own any poetry beyond a compendium of edna st. vincent millay's poetry from when i did my masters and we looked at her poetry in my american modernism class, and some of edgar allen poe's stuff. i really want to pick up some sappho though - it's just a case of finding a good translation.

11. a nonfiction book you own:

i don't own many non-fiction books, but i have from here to eternity: travelling the world to find the good death by caitlin doughty aka askamortician. ever since i started working in my job, i've found myself curious about other cultures' funerary practices.

12. what are you currently reading:

i'm back to reading heretics of dune by frank herbert (dune #5) after taking a break from it, and i also have an audiobook going for work, which is a full cast production of the war of the worlds by h.g. wells which includes aspects of jeff wayne's iconic songbook too.

13. what are you planning on reading next:

i'm thinking once i'm done with heretics, i'm either gonna go for vol. 6 of dungeon meshi as a palette cleanser or pick up either the bone season by samantha shannon (author's preferred text edition, which came out last year on its 10th aanniversary), hummingbird salamander by jeff vandermeer or letter to the luminous deep by sylvie cathrall (which daisy is telling me to read.) audiobook wise i'll probably go with the heart of the sun warrior by sue lynn tann since i listened to daughter of the moon goddess during april to early may and enjoyed it enough to grab the second book.

[nakanotamu]

The read more is just bc I'm thinking out loud about wrestling stuff that's been on my mind/bothering me and I figure this might end up being long edit nvm it ended being about the usual depression stuff too lol

I think part of my issue as far as burnout is that I can't figure out where the line is supposed to be for work that you want to be done that no one else will do vs when you do not want to do the work any more. Like I do a lot of stats tracking for wrestling shows that I've done for a while now purely bc I had a lot of fun doing it and found it interesting. But I've sort of reached a point with it where I don't really think I'm learning anything particularly new or interesting with it but I realized it is taking a fair bit of time, so while it's hard to break the habit of doing it for every show it makes sense to drop it at this point, or at least cut back.

Then there's the stuff I actually worked on, like translations primarily and stuff like that. I'm behind back to stuff that happened in May, and I'd been thinking of it as a backlog, but just deciding to not do any of it does have an appeal. If it sucks hit da bricks. I know I have no real obligation here, but I don't know, thinking about totally dropping this stuff does hurt. On the one hand, I was genuinely very desperate to try and find some way to turn some part of this into actual paid work, to the point where I did way too much of it on top of my actual job and life and the stuff I wish I did have the option of just dropping and ended up having a pretty bad breakdown. So just not working on it at all any more is depressing, an acceptance that I failed and I'm still stuck exactly where I was a little over two years ago and nothing has changed at all. Maybe even worse bc when I started I was still working from home.

On the other hand I also feel bad leaving people who genuinely enjoyed my work out in the cold. I met some really great people thanks to it and had some really good conversations and stuff. But I also kind of hated the twitter clout because it's a lot of nice words that doesn't actually count for anything or do anything, and on top of that for every person who really seemed to get where I was coming from it felt like there were 5 more who claimed to appreciate my work who didn't get it at all. And that wears me down probably more than it should.

I'm a big believer that in any sort of work like that you shouldn't do it for an audience you may or may not even have or keep, you should do it because you want to do it and if people show up for it then that's on them. But I don't really know how to put it aside when it is still something I want to do but I don't know if I can. Even just things like reading comments on my own or watching shows feel like such an unbelievable timesink and I don't know if I have the energy or the mental health to keep it up even for myself. But I don't want to give these things up either. So I'm just. Stuck suffering in both directions.

And then on top of that there's all the feelings of disconnect and isolation that I've been struggling with for quite a while now. I mean like beyond the general ones every day like the wrestling specific ones. Reading and translating comments and press conferences and everything began as a way to feel closer, I think, to the wrestling I love so much. I think part of what fucked me up so badly when Unagi left was that it made clear how much that had not happened. Sure you can see the signs of her farewell tour in hindsight, but at the time I hadn't seen it coming in the slightest. No matter how well I understood these characters, no matter how much, even correct, insight I had into every word choice they made and every emotional beat of every story they told, I still don't know them, I'm not a part of this.

And beyond that, would I even want a part of it if I could have one? If I had some sort of magic golden opportunity to be part of the joshi scene right now, would I even want to see behind the curtain? What if I really am just a delusional himejoshi and it ruins everything I love about it? Would there even be a space for me there, what if I were just rejected? None of which matters because I still have no connection to it in the slightest, I've never even been to Japan and my current savings are supposed to be for computer upgrades so who the fuck knows when even that much might be an option.

I just. I feel so lost, and stuck. I don't know what to drop and what to keep working on but I don't know how to keep working on any of it in the first place. I can barely even make it through a single match without getting endlessly distracted these days, even when I WANT to watch it, even when I'm actively enjoying it! I want to drop everything in my entire life except for this but this also takes energy I don't have and feels like the only thing I actually can drop. This thing I love so much and have no attachment to whatsoever, that might not even want me if that was an option to begin with. I need to change something about my habits or my workflow or my life or something, anything, and I can't. I can't do any of it

[driluth]

hi it's been a minute

i have officially deleted my public tw*tter account, even before its "downfall" it just became too anxiety inducing and ultimately felt like a lot of people were being meanspirited and i simply do not have the energy for it!! fandom twitter, for whatever reason, is just so draining and i cannot keep up with all the hype for every new tv show that comes out lmao. it is also insane how much time i have without it.

i've read 50 books this year, and have currently listened to 40 something albums?? i'd like to make a list of my top 5 for both categories but i'm too sleepy for that rn. and i have a few more albums to listen to first!!

oddly i have not watched that many movies this year but it's probably bc i've spent so much time watching twd (11 seasons) and the spinoffs!! truly it is one of my favorite show of all time and rewatching it has been a very emotional journey.

it's funny bc back in 2020, she-ra was the only thing i'd watch on repeat bc i needed something lighter and happier and now my current fixation is one of the darkest tv shows of all time. (it's called range.) but as dark as it gets i'd argue that a lot of it IS about the love and hope that's still in the world. it's characters choosing to be kind to each other and doing whatever it takes to fight for each other bc that group of people love each other so much!! (wish it wasn't As dark tho and there are definitely some creative choices i would have handled differently but that's for another post, maybe. i have too many thoughts about that show i nearly made a side blog for it but i am too lazy for that haha.)

i moved in w one of my oldest friends and we live next to a lot of deer and it just such a peaceful and quiet place. i have a new job that still gives me plenty of time to write which i am so so excited about bc i have so much to do both in terms of original content and fanfiction!! (tho who knows how long that will last bc $$ wise i might need to take on a second job or find something else but it is Rough out there i'm just grateful to be employed at all)

i do have some catra/adora fics in the works (one goes soooo hard but i'm probably gonna save it for something special like valentine's day or something) but admittedly some of what i'm the most excited about is twd fic, was not expecting daryl/connie to have my whole heart but here we are. they currently have less than 150 fics on ao3 and it's a crime.

the book i started writing last year i want to turn into a screenplay and i have a new book i'm drafting and every day i am so excited to sit down and write for it these characters are everything 2 me. can't wait to share them one day!! got some very fucked up lesbians as i should!!

anyways, i've had a lot more space to myself and have been able to do a lot of reflecting. i feel older, i feel confident in what i'm doing, and i mostly feel grateful. i feel very grateful to live this life i have created for myself, grateful to live close to my friends and close to my family and close to my favorite area in my city!! and as many problems as there are w this site i am grateful for this lil space on the internet!! been through many different stages of my life on here and it's nice to have something consistent.

lots of love to you all 💕 

[theluxuriansecret]

Dear Diary 01042023

8:37 pm

So, I was working today and I was wondering why I thrived in chaos. Now that the holiday season is over, the store has reverted back to normal, and boy was I not prepared for normal. I didn't work there prior to the holiday season, so I didn't realize how little business they actually got. Today was fucking brutal.

I hate when I can't distract myself. I hate when I have moments of silence to myself. I believe that is what drives people to work. Because they don't have to think about literally anything else but what they're doing. I was miserable today. I worked the same section that I worked yesterday and so there was nothing to do because I went all out on my section yesterday, but I didn't think they'd put me back in the same section as yesterday. All I could do was be in my head, about j... about working there, about my goals.

I'm having a hard time thinking about how much free time I have. I want hobbies, but I don't know how to find one. Just trying new things? I wanna read so bad, and I have two books I'd like to read but how can I read when my head is so full of thoughts. I literally can't have a moment of silence or I go insane. I'm going insane right now. I want a job on campus so bad, but I want it to be an office thing. Also, I don't know if they'd let me because my GPA is sooo fucking low. The lowest my GPA has probably ever been in my whole life.

Sometimes I feel like I got it all going for me, I have all the plans, I have all the things I want to do and then I can't execute. It's so embarrassing. I know it's starting to get bad when I start thinking "why do any of us do any of this?" I've been trying to keep the mindset like "I know I didn't ask to be here, none of us did. But because I was given this life, I might as well choose to live" But it gets so hard. It gets so hard to keep this positive energy around when I feel like there is negativity around me allll the goddamn time.

I asked a friend if she felt like it was her year this year and she said "no, just feels like another year. You're just in a different phase than me" I wish I could've asked her what the fuck that means. A different phase? I feel this year becoming very lonely for me. And I think I need it. Last year I worked on all my friendships, but more than anything zi need to work on my friendship with me.

SOTD: energy by tyla jane

[suneiaaa]

2022 recap!

Hey so I want to reflect about 2022 cause it's been one hell of a year. I do this for myself, but perhaps someone else is curious. I also want to bring back writing blog posts. I hope you'll excuse me if that's difficult and ends up being just a wish though, cause nowadays it's very hard to drop the phone and stop watching silly videos. I hate how our attention span goes off the window just like that. Actually let me make that a New Year's resolution: stop with the silly videos, thank you. The only reason I don't feel guilty about it is because I know it's the way social media is designed that manipulates our attention span left and right lol

Anyways,

2022.

In summary, I finished artschool, found my first industry jobs, moved into a new flat with my partner.

That was a lot of changes in a short period of time and I feel like I'm still recovering from/processing it.

_

In January, I was working really hard on the last 8 pages of Crow of Stone for one of my projects. That was the steepest learning curve up to that moment. From having to change the plot 7 or 8 times, to thumbnailing and scribbling, to storyboards, to handling critique and applying it, to being hella stressed out because perfectionism & still being unable to guess correctly how much information 8 pages can hold. Doing Comics Is So Hard, it's so much harder than you think!!!

I also put myself in charge of putting together the InDesign document of the zine Crow of Stone was in and that was really stressful FUCK THAT!!!:) We sold our zine at Comic BCN a couple months later, that was also a nice experience.

--

Then I got a chance to catch my breath but not really because that project ending meant the start of the final project And I Did Not Know What To Do Yet

I focused on adding some more pages to Crow of Stone and make it to the deadline of the International Comic School Contest of Clip Studio 2022 that is very long to write so from now on it'll be 'CSP CONTEST'. That was very important to me! I had always wanted to participate. I couldn't make it during 3rd year (my classmate won though!!) and this year felt like my last chance. So I did that. I had already given up on the idea of making something new with the time I had so CoS would have to do! You can read it here.

We were also Kindly Asked to participate in another scolarship (?) contest and had to create several comic(al) strips as entry. That wasn't too bad even though it didn't go anywhere lol

------

A NY WAYS, there went my time for the final project lol

It must have been April by this point. At first I wanted to create a storybook with my OC Neia but I struggled to give the story a... story.

My brainstorming for a new idea started. And it was a bit desperate. What did I want to draw? Should it be a comic? What did I like to read? Should I make something according to my inspirations? Quick, what are my favorite genres? Tropes? And most importantly, what do I want to tell? Etc. 

Lots of little drawings ensued.

And I finally came up with something that I felt was 'me' enough, and cool enough, and worth exploring. Llamadas Perdidas (missed calls, or lost calls.). The plot is STILL very hard to explain so I will translate it literally below and make of that what you will...

----

May. So my final project was pitching this whole thing. Thus creating a portfolio with the premise, plot, synopsys and sample pages. Just like with CoS, storyboarding was hard, thinking was hard. Time was almost up when I decided to pour all my energy into 6 pages. I was even finishing up the cover just a few hours before my deadline. 

That moment was fun, actually. I showed my work to my professor full of self doubt and wondering if it would be enough. He looks at me like girl this is fantastic sdhsjdhsjdh 

I had barely slept that day. On the way to school I found some broken glasses in a puddle and wondered, who could have lost their glasses like that? Flash forward and I'm home and I had taken a quick nap. And I can't find my newest, goodest pair of glasses. Before paranoia got the best of me I went outside and looked for them on the street (yeah I couldn't believe it either). Halfway to my school I gave up and went back home... And I found them before that: someone had left my glasses, intact, on a windowsill. On my fucking street. I had dropped my fucking glasses on my way home. Hah. I'll admit I cried a little bit.

---

June. As an extraordinary school thing, we were visiting a publisher's installations that day. When we met up with my teacher, for some reason, he said to me something like 'Thank GOD you're here. If you hadn't come I would have killed you. Are you nervous?'

And I said 'No?'

And he replied 'You better be'

Which puzzled me for a bit, but haha... During our meeting with the publishers they actually said 'Later we want to talk to X and Sun' and OH MY GOD was I fucking shocked (laughs)

Yes, they told me they Wanted To Publish Llamadas Perdidas. They saw my pitch and thought it was very cool. So I'll let you imagine the look on my face. Finishing school and already landed my first gig and as an author, no less. Man.

I spent several days being in a weird high and processing and I'll admit I haven't processed it yet. And thus I finished 4 years of art school.

---

I've written so much so from now on it'll be an actual summary.

Dealing with my first contract, panicking a little bit... On July I also received this good news: Crow of Stone had been awarded a runner-up prize in the Manga category of the CSP contest!

This was really great!! I fucking loved reading the critique and checking the other entries and I felt very proud...!

Also!!! They contacted me from ANOTHER publisher to work on another comic project. Since comics aren't well paid I took the job too :^) Freelancing in Spain is also hella expensive like you wouldn't believe soo... No, but it's also a good project and I'm glad I'm working on it as well! Can't talk about it yet.

MEANWHILE my partner and I were LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO MOVE IN TOGETHER!! Barcelona is so fucking expensive and it was straight out impossible to find anything decent. Even in the suburbs. So it sucked for a while... but eventually we decided to live in the small town we live in now. And we could find something pretty quickly :') And we moved in in August!!! WAHOO big lifegoal achieved :')

---

Fall. I've become a freelancer (oh god finances are such a headache...) and have been working on my 2 comic projects mostly. It took a while to adapt to like working everyday but I'm proud at how hard I've been working. Llamadas Perdidas is definitely the most difficult because I want to get it right/so many demons to fight and so much to learn. I'm also happy about the commissions I've been taking and love the style I developed. In December my art school and Clip Studio invited me to have a small panel at Manga BCN where I talked about Crow of Stone. I was honored & happy, especially since I met with my professor (the same I mentioned before) and he was very happy to see me and encouraged me a lot!

----------

That's about the major events that happened. My reflections? This year has been the steepest learning curve by far and also my most successful. I hope I can grow as an author and artist and keep flourishing. Also I literally just want to pay my bills with my work lol so there's my hopes and dreams. I haven't had much time to draw for myself, planning and drawing comics is super time consuming. But I didn't want to force myself too much and properly adapt to my new life (deadlines deadlines...deadliens...dead aliens...)

Videogame wise? I played Earthbound. It was the greatest thing I'd played in the longest time. Definitely a highlight. Triangle Strategy was cool too, but I hate Roland with all my heart. Xenoblade 3 was a good game but a disappointment story-wise. I had genuine fun being hyped for it, and playing too, though. So as we say in Spanish 'you can't take away the time in which I've been dancing'. Endwalker was fine though I like Shadowbringers a bit more x) OST wise this year was super fantastic. There were more games but I forgor. Oh yeah, Paper Mario was being great but it broke on me :( Also I became addicted to Eve and blame myself for not discovering him before. It's my fucking jam I admire him a lot.

To wrap up.

Wish me luck, I'll be working on comics all year, head full, want to maybe try streaming with the mic on,aaaaahhh thank you all for supporting me ESPECIALLY those who have been there for YEARS those who have commissioned me and just. Thank you! Happy New Year 2023, manifesting good mental health for all of us.

[lifeisadumpsterfire]

A rundown

So, I had some depressy time, and I think it's coming to an end right about now. I've been taking my meds religiously for the past few weeks and must admit I'd been a little remiss before that. (Geez, how many extra pills do I have on backup now?)

Been having trouble adjusting to my new schedule. I am a MORNING person and I get all my good energy very early in the day. My husband works until about 9pm some days and I find myself struggling to stay awake. Maybe it's time to reengage with caffeine pills? I guess I don't mind doing it, but do they really work? I feel like caffeine kind of doesn't hit me like it hits other people. In my heyday I could pound Monster Energy and take a nap directly. Why don't medications work on me like they work for other people? It's been this crux in my mental health journey for 20 years. Two fucking decades of going insane at different levels of cray cray.

We've been doing extracurriculars and I'm somewhat apathetic about them. I do like the one couple that we are seeing regularly but like, with the exception of one of the dudes we've hosted, I'm little interested in continuing the roll call of the thirsty.

H is having major stress about his job. I am unsure how to advise him. On one hand we want to push through and see what happens in the longer term. On the other hand, he's panicking and anxious and keeps circling around: do I quit? What the fuck will I do for work if I quit, what will my schedule look like, what will my quality of life be? I wish I had the answers.

[thrutheeyesofme]

Part 5. Appreciation

Hindsight. With hindsight brings clarity, With hindsight brings peace, With hindsight brings appreciation.

What a journey you took me on, You triggered the fuck out of me. Forcing me to my depths of fear, Forcing me to the brink of insanity, Forcing me to the depths of my hatred. I was angry, I was a furious, I was a horrible human being. You bought the worst out of me, Broke me down, Reduced me down, Exhausted me, Mentally and physically sick with resentment.

Time I will never get back. I could have been doing something else, I could have been creating something else, I could have been loving something else. But I allowed my fear to take over, I allowed my anger to take over, I allowed my hatred of you be my focus.

And now that I'm an empty shell, Now that I have nothing left to give, Now that I have chosen to let go, Now that I have forgiven myself, I can relax. I can focus on other things, I can put this away as a distant memory, One that that no longer effects me.

I start to get on with my life again, New job, New relationships, New emotions. Happier emotions, Joyful emotions, Liberating emotions. Life feels good again, Life feels lighter again, Life feels promising again, I want to make exciting plans for the future.

It's funny. I don't seem to get as upset as I used to, I don't seem to get as heated as I used to, I don't seem to get caught up in the tiny little tit for tats that would come my way. There is a certain peace that is within me, One that won't let me be consumed with anger again, One that won't let me go down that rabbit hole of destruction again, One that won't let me be prisoner to my own hatred again. I used to be like that, And now I'm not. Things that used to upset me just pass me by now, Things that used to upset me no longer have relevance, Things that used to upset me no longer stick to me.

I've experienced my self imposed emotional prison before, And I won't allow myself to go back. It never served me, It never let me resolve anything, It never accomplished anything, It only hurt me. It only hindered me It only took my love away from me.

I look back now with hindsight, I can never go back, I will never go back, Petty fights over personal insecurities, Just to show me, that you are me and I am you, That we are all the same, That we are all flawed. What a waste of time, What a waste of energy, What a waste of emotions, What a waste of life.

Or was it? Look at me now? Look at all my growth? Look at the person now that I have become? Look at the more peaceful person I have grown into? Did I just get schooled? Did I just get schooled by my anger? Did my anger just teach me a very valuable lesson? Did my anger just teach me how to be a better person? Did I just take my angst and turn it into personal empowerment?

Did my anger and hate for you just become my most valuable teacher? Did my anger and hate for you evolve me into a better human being? Did my anger and hate for you allow me to find love for myself again?

Incredible. Maybe I owe you a thank you. Maybe I owe a thank you to my insecurities, Maybe I owe a thank you to my anger and hatred for consuming me, Maybe I owe a thank you for my anger and hatred for reducing me down to my weakest point of surrender, Because without this experience I would be still be that highly reactive person, Without this experience I wouldn't be unaware of my insecurities, Without this experience I wouldn't be aware of the empathy I can feel for you, Without this experience I would never have had this great transformation in my life.

Sure, I didn't love going through the experience, And I never wish to be in that position ever again, But now that I've moved on, Now that I don't hurt anymore, Now with hindsight and a lot of clarity, I can appreciate you. I can appreciate the experience, I can appreciate the lessons learnt, And, I can appreciate the richer life that I have now built for myself.

This poem is 5/8 in a series of poems that I wish to send the reader on a journey of emotional transformation with.

[reilleclan-blog]

They just don't make hyper-fixations like they used to

I'd say I should "hyperfixate" on my craft but my craft is just video gaming these days no motivation for anything else. Photo mode just so happens to be a joint thing with my new hyperfixation, Cyberpunk 2077 but cyberpunk is a very taxing hyperfixation the mods, already have my startup screen lagging and I felt I only downloaded like 3gb of mods?

Anyways um yeah I'm still breathing ig maybe I should actually do something on the weekend. A "purpose". I do a job I find "helpful" (helping older ppl) but once I clean up I'd rather just go home, I go home and then I'm sitting at home listening to my mom yell about shit or yell at me then I game to focus on anything else, or sleep and then I sleep and dream about stupid shit like nightmares or what I wish for? I don't really know.

Also I have like 20 cavities but haven't done shit about it *old cringe white guy smiling* like wtf ??

Cowboy bebop, Naruto, Rick and Morty, cyberpunk, samurai champloo, amvs, (idfk) Tokyo ghoul, I just don't fucking know anything

Idk maybe I'm just pressuring myself to have a "purpose" but maybe I should just be happy I'm alive and can even breathe a little longer. Especially the way the world has been looking. Everytime I think about having to get up to work I always have these "existential thoughts" ok bye

Edit: and my phone is glued to my hand or something. I LITERALLY PLAYED "MASS EFFECT" SO I COULD FEEL POSSIBLY WHAT PPL APART OF THE FANDOM FEELS SND I FELT LIKE A "PANG" OF INTEREST AND THAT WAS IT. Is there a correlation to me self diagnosing myself as adhdautistic? So many questions. I just watch tv shows just to pass the time mostly, most movies are just so formaliac, I have a hard time fully enjoying something. Ig if I watch with friends but still. I find myself mostly watching comedies on my alone time, Bob's burgers is just classic, and Rick and Morty still funny but I've watched it so many times. I have been making yt videos lately but then I have to remotivate myself to make yt videos again and I feel I only be having energy just for the gaming part so I stream stuff. (And i enjoy it) but then the depression sets in(or the other shit) and then I get upset that streaming isn't going to do anything for me (I'm never making it out the hood) not like I hate the hood but I don't exactly love it either,

Maybe this is just the disease of the impostered black "creatives" I don't fucking know

[ourotteradventures]

July 2023 to February 2024

It amazes me how fast time is flying, and I realize it more when I come to make posts and do updates about our lives. I know that they say time flies when you're having fun and to a degree I understood that - but for the first time in my life, even during the shitty parts, I find that it is going back exponentially faster than it has before.

We'll start in August 2023 and work our way to the present... I started the academy in July and boy oh boy - did I think I was in purgatory. The military has put me on some pretty shit details and assignments but the worst thing that can happen is time drags on. I am one of those people that I can do anything super shitty for long periods of time to expedite and end the suffering as soon as possible. Which is a great trait...until you are forced to play the waiting game and cannot expedite the process at all.

We had welcomed a new kitten into our little family as well because you kept begging for another cat. Thus, Hades was born. I went to the shelter to find an all black kitten that they said was there, and as I walked in someone had walked out with her. You told me to just check the area and see what other cats were there (I should have known that was the ruse). I walked down the first aisle and this tiny gray kitten rammed his face into the fence, 6-7 months old and named Sushi. I pulled his tag and said that I would spend time with him in the room. We checked out a few of the other all black cats that were there, but they were either too old to be around our current cat or they were meant for a solo home. As soon as we got into the room I sat on the floor and he came right up to play and get some love. You went to the front and well...the rest is history.

Next, my son came back from his dads and we had our first real integration into parenting with him and us and all of the in between. It was a very rough transition period and I felt like I was going to lose everything all at once with how it was going. In time, it has evened out and is significantly improved. I hope one day you see that he does look up to you and just wants to be involved. Sometimes I wish that he was just our kid and that I didn't have to worry about the other individual. Sometimes I wish that I could just smooth everything over and call it then and there. Other times I see it as a growing and learning opportunity for everyone involved, including myself. One day, it'll all be in the past and I'll wished I had savored it more. I already have experienced that and I knew it would happen and that still didn't lessen the blow.

We got you a knew job and you started your own field training. It is insane to think about the sheer ground for growth that we have covered in less than a year for both of ourselves. I'm so proud to say that we are doing this together and that we're setting our future selves up for comfort and success in retirement. Plus, we bought you a new car! You're very first car and loan on your own! That's exciting (and daunting, fuck taxes) :]

After a long six months I finally finished the academy. With all of the drama, sickness, pain, and recovery that I had to endure you guys got to pin my badge. Everyone except for my dad and some of his family canceled on me. That was what I expected from people and I knew better than to get my hopes up, but I had hoped that this time would be where I was proven wrong. I wasn't. It solidified my next steps and what I was going to do moving forward with cutting people out of my life for good and not wasting the time or energy to send a text/call. The days of trying to make people understand how they hurt me are over. They knew what they did when they were doing it and they can stand on that business - I'll stand on mine.

Now we're into the field training phase for me and you've just finished yours. First grade is coming to a close here soon and then we'll take our first real vacation that we have planned. It's also the first vacation I have taken in 12 years and I think that I have earned this. I will get to meet some of your family and I will get to see where you grew up. This is huge for me, but it's even bigger for you.

When we first started dating you were huge on the "not letting pieces of your life mix". I know that you want to keep things separate and unblended which is fine. Anything that is done is something I wish for you to do in your own time when you feel comfortable. We'll get to roadtrip and spend time seeing different states that I haven't been to before. I'm close to halfway of seeing the United States in total and this is going to be amazing. I'm daydreaming and planning it little by little when I'm feeling down.

To top it all off, you've mentioned or your mom has mentioned marriage. Which, does scare me a bit (not because of you) just because of the sheer amount of paperwork that comes with it. I also don't ever want to feel like I am trapping you into something you don't want. I want to watch you pursue your goals and dreams and cheer you on like you've done for me. Some of it will be harder for you and some portions will be harder for me, but I am determined to work it out for the both of us.

There is something special about you and I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I do love it. There is this feeling; like driving in the late summer/early fall, in the early morning with the sunrise, windows down, a light breeze, and listeining to classic country on backroads. That's one of the ways that I would describe how you make me feel. The way that you find a new song that you fall in love with and just keep listening to trying to chase the initial feeling it brought you...but I never lost that first feeling of hearing the song. You're an absolute treasure and I know that there are certain things that you want to change and improve for me. I adore that and it's admirible, but I made it a point in this relationship that I would not fall in love with potential (or ever again). I make it a point to not let my insecurities or past trauma creep in and ruin what I have and create a cognitive bias wormhole. I want to grow old with you and have a house in the middle of nowhere and homestead.

Who knew that wanting to bake homemade sourdough bread was the gateway to going off the grid?... I feel like that should be a study. Every day that I wake up and I don't want to do life or keep pushing I think about you and how you've made everything so wonderful - even the bad parts where you had no control in it. I'm so glad that I got to meet you and that this relationship has become what it is. I'm also stoked to see what it becomes in the next decade. When I meet your family we'll have been together for almost 2 years. We'll have known each other for 2 years.

You are singlehandly taking on such a huge task with me and I don't mean that in a pick-me type energy light. When I am having a medical episode one of the first things that I think of is you to bring comfort and solice to me in that moment. I also think about how this is going to impact your life and going forward, if it gets worse, what I will do to ease that burden on you. I didn't ever see any of this happening, but I most certainly did not see me having what appears to be partial seizures from severe head trauma and memory loss on the bingo card. That is terrifying in so many ways and I am terrified for you and my son. I'm terrified for anyone who is personally invested in me and my wellbeing for how this will go. It can induce a panic attack and a spiral, but the thing that stops that from happening is how softly you've said "We'll figure this out. We'll make this work. We're in this together." and you just stumbled into this.... that's so crazy for me and I think it is one of the first times of my life that I've been this raw with anyone for such an extended and indepth part of serious matters - and I've never had this kind of support. It makes me so happy that I cry from time to time. I finally feel loved and safe. It took a lot of struggling and suffering with the wrong people, but I found you.

[calamityandme]

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and it’s been a busy day.

I’ve been sick for three days. The past two days I couldn’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom lol. I was beat. I got it from Danny. He didn’t seem to have it as rough as I did. Idk.

Today I woke up and actually felt like I had some energy. Amazing. Finally lol. Thank goodness because I had to clean for R today. I contemplated turning around on my drive to R’s house, telling her I’m sick and can’t go. Yet I ended up parking outside her house and waited until it was time to clean.

I think I did a good job cleaning. I felt very easily irritated because R asked me to start doing something a specific way lol. It just irritated me in the moment even though I can definitely start doing it.

I listened to Class by Stephanie Land. I’m using Spotify’s Premium feature. Wow, she inspires me so much. Her story is just so real and even though I’m not currently in a domestic abuse relationship or a single mom, I just relate so much to her narration. It makes me feel seen. Although it also is a stabbing reminder I need to finish my stupid degree.

After I cleaned I flew to my bank and then the nearest Walmart.

My last minute grocery list:

rotisserie chicken (I’m intimidated by cooking a Turkey)

canned cranberry sauce (couldn’t find it)

toilet paper, because I used up most of ours as tissues

tissues

shredded cheese that I definitely bought way too much of but there were so many angry people everywhere and I needed to get out of there

velveeta cheese block, because Danny wants his mom’s cheesy broccoli rice casserole and I didn’t realize it called for it until last night

chai tea concentrate, because I wanted to treat myself

half gallon of milk because we never finish a whole gallon

frozen broccoli for the cheesy broccoli and rice casserole

Thankfully R gave me a variety of medicine before I left so I didn’t have to buy anything today. She labeled pills in baggies for me. She’s a sweetie.

Then I came home, put groceries away, exchanged keys with Danny and said goodbye before he left for work.

I’ve been baking today. I made an apple pie. Dough is frozen but I peeled 8 fucking apples today lol. Then I made homemade Reese’s bars.

I just got out of the bathtub. I’ve been watching the new Scott Pilgrim anime. I still feel sick but I am definitely getting better.

With the state of the world right now it doesn’t feel very festive lol. I have sent emails to government officials asking for a ceasefire. Now there’s a 4-day ceasefire. My heart breaks for the Palestinian people. I wish I had more money I could donate to get Palestinian people phones. I want to do more. I heard today that their department of education has cancelled the school year. This world is very bleak

[vvatchword]

I fucking moved. Fuck that city in particular and fuck everybody in it except for the cool Bat Dude and the lady who gave me a ride so I didn't get rained on and the nice old grandpa who saw me staring into space at the hamburger joint (as one does).

Yes, I got into a stranger's car, but look. She was very nice and she reminded me of a dear friend, and I was so darkly miserable that the fact she asked was like a little ray of sunshine. Like look. Not everybody is fucking horrid, sometimes they're a nice librarian-looking lady in an SUV.

Oh, now I can't stop thinking of nice people. Let's face it: there were plenty of nice folks there. It's just that I'm not made for cities. There's what I thought I wanted and there's what I actually wanted.

I hate cities

I hate noise

I hate traffic

I hate rich people

I hate pollution (and so does my bird)

I hate the horrifying cost of living

I hate lights and need a real nighttime. If I can't see stars I begin to die. If your lights are so bright the moon disappears, you're too damn bright

I HATE public transit because...

I hate having to maneuver around homeless shenanigans. You know how many times I'd be genuinely terrified per month? Way too many times.

There were too many people everywhere I went. I would try to go shopping early to avoid rubbing shoulders and end up rubbing shoulders. There was just no easy way to avoid crowds.

Tamed nature. Do you know what I mean? Nature made as humans desire it, not nature existing outside of humankind. At the very least--nature that hasn't seen more than two separate human beings per month. I have learned a brand new appreciation for wastelands. I am not renewed by a park with a tree in it. I need to see land that doesn't need a sprinkler system.

I was constantly overwhelmed and I never got to do anything fun because I was too poor. Cool shit happens here, too, though. So I'm just going to try and go to something nice at least once per month. It's more expensive because you have to drive, but it's less expensive on the whole because half of my income isn't going to rent.

Moving was a nightmare. I basically packed up and left in a week. My dad contracted some friends from his church. They said they could help me pack if I wasn't done yet. Joke's on me: those guys didn't give a single fuck. They launched my belongings like we were Cape Canaveral. I thought I was going to die from the agony of seeing brain-dead rednecks bodyslam my books into boxes. I still haven't found parts of my stuff yet. Who knows where it's all gone. I'll find it eventually? I guess?

I proceeded to drive home in the dark and the rain, where I chugged energy drinks and longed for death. I stopped once to buy the best possible snacks I could find (Muddy Buddies, Dot's Pretzels, some donuts. My life is falling apart. I deserve nice things). My traveling partner was the sole surviving African Dwarf Frog (long story, but they started dying one by one, and she is the last).

Got home and weeks of abuse caught up to me. I proceeded to fall into a catatonic state for about two days. Caught up with myself today and finally set my PCs up. I have two; one is an old-school mid-tier gaming device from like. 2012. The other is my custom-built gaming PC from about three years ago. Anyway. I've been wanting to make them both dual-monitor machines but I had to do some troubleshooting, and I figured it out today.

I can't connect to ethernet because this house wasn't built with ethernet in mind. It's going to have to be WiFi. Ewwww. Oh well

Being home is a HUGE relief. My parents are ecstatic to have me. The DOG is ecstatic to have me. The bird is angry because I can just straight-up leave his sight now. The apartment may have been a hideous, dimly-lit hole, but it was a SMALL hideous, dimly-lit hole, and he knew where I was at all times. He has to hunt for me now and he hates it.

I can begin job-hunting again in earnest, as well as begin NaNoWriMo. I need to hit 5,000 words today. Wish me luck lol

[drac-onion]

Creative Hobbies (And Other Musings)

I've been thinking about something lately, and I'd like to put my thoughts out there to see if anyone else has felt the same thing. (Warning: Long and ramble-y)

For the last couple weeks, I've been doing a lot of "making things" in my free time. Mostly writing, but also putting down ideas, editing works, and otherwise. A lot of my hobbies are creative, and while that's good, its almost overwhelming. I started a new job a few weeks ago and I can't really think of the last time I actually just sat down and relaxed by playing a game or something in my free time. I do a lot of reading, sure, but whenever I get home from work I tend to idly watch YouTube since that takes significantly less effort. Then, usually by the end of the night, I'll start writing something and then oop, I gotta go to bed now to go to work in the morning.

It's kind of...exhausting, having so many creative hobbies. I edit videos, I do 3D art (although that one's on hiatus until I can upgrade my PC cuz god my workflow is so slow cuz blender just freezes every time I wanna do something), I write, and like...I just wish I could pause my brain and enjoy doing something for the hell of it. My mind is just so busy, and while part of me wishes I could slow it down to enjoy things, another part of me is glad I have outlets for creativity. The one downside is that all my energy goes into these outlets, not really leaving time to just turn my brain off (to a degree) and enjoy something, save for just wasting time on youtube.

I want to create things, first off because I enjoy doing it, but also because I feel like if I can make something that even one other person enjoys, I'll have added value to the world in a tangible way. I love receiving positive comments on my writing (not that I'm simply writing for approval or praise), but sometimes the hustle and bustle of making things just wears me out. If I do turn on a game for a little while, it's something quick and easy to pick up and play or dedicate only a little bit of time to, so I always have the ability to shut it off and get back to whatever I was doing.

I like my hobbies, but I have a habit of turning them into work over time. I like order, I like a schedule, I like consistency. It forces me to always engage in something I enjoy, and maybe even get better at it to become a more rounded individual. But without fail, I will always find myself becoming a slave to my hobbies. A slave to something I started doing to have fun, to express myself, to take what I'm feeling and put it somewhere for others to see. Hideo Kojima often says that 70% of his body is made of movies. Well, 100% of my body is made of my creative pursuits. That doesn't leave a lot for much of anything else. I work, I come home, I work on something, and then I go to sleep. I still enjoy writing, but I'm worried that the same thing will happen where it becomes work. Where it becomes the very thing I tried to escape by engaging in it.

They say to write what you know, but I tend to write what I want. I don't really want to go into detail, because I don't wanna be a sad sack and get all depressing on here, but you know that "depressing" thing I was talking about writing the other day? Well, that's an instance of writing what I know. If you read between the lines, that's where I put myself. If you shift your perspective to the whole of it, it's what I want. I said I didn't want to insert too much of myself into my writing, into my work, but it just happens sometimes.

Fiction is written by people, and people have a lot of experiences. Feeling emotion for fiction isn't CrInGe because "it's not real". It's the result of perspective, emotions, experiences, and that's real.

Sorry, I know I've been a real downer recently, but life has been fucking me raw and its starting to come to a head (oh boy! I can't wait til the holidays for things to get even worse!). Here's hoping I can use this as a force for creativity haha... Seems almost sad to think about; considering my own struggles as inspiration for creativity. But that's just how my brain works, I guess. I live on a roulette wheel of hyperfixations and all I can do is wait for it to stop spinning and start walking in that direction. Whatever my mind wills, I will do. It's the only way to stay sane. If I fell apart and just did nothing, well...I've already been there. Boredom is one step towards madness, and no play makes Drac a dull boy.

So yeah, that's a bit of a ramble for tonight. Hopefully, one day, I can look back on this and laugh.