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ts19009 · 6 days

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Hong's Anatomy: Part 2

Pediatrician surgeon! Joshua x pediatric surgeon! Female Reader

Synopsis: Coming to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital wasn’t on your bucket list, that’s for sure, but when you meet the head of your department, Joshua Hong, it's one of the only things that constantly brightens your day.

Warnings: swearing, made up medical terms and procedures, i have no idea if any of this is medically accurate it’s just for story, flirting, smut (18+) (fingering, oral: f -receiving, penetrative sex, no protection, aftercare)

Words: 5.4k words

NOT EDITED, SO I MAY GO BACK AND EDIT LATER (teehee)

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You hadn’t been on a date in at least a year. What do you even wear to a non-official date with your co-worker?

You were going to a fairly fancy restaurant, so casual was out of the question. It was down to two options. The red or black dress.

You had done your hair and makeup nicer than you normally do for work, it was fun getting dressed up like this after work.

Just like you had planned, Jeonghan rang your doorbell right at eight. To which you opened it to see him in a dress shirt, holding a bouquet of flowers.

“Good evening Doctor. L/N. These are for you,” he smirked, bowing and then handing the flowers to you. They were beautiful lilies with a few tulips scattered in the bouquet.

“Come in, I just need a few more things,” you said, opening the door more for him to slip himself in. He immediately darted for the couch and layed down.

“I had an awful shift today. Someone double booked me and I had to do back-to-back surgeries right at the end. Please tell me you had a better day.”

“Somewhat. No double surgeries, but I did skip out on my lunch break, so I’m starving,” you said, making sure that your earrings were on correctly and grabbed your purse. “Now, I’ve waited on you long enough.” Jeonghan smiled, and got off of the couch offering his arm.

“So tell me. Why did you ask me out?” Jeonghan asked, taking a sip of his wine. You took a minute. You didn’t want to say it was to try and “get over” his best friend, so you brought up the other truth.

“My therapist challenged me to make one new friend by our next session next month,” you admitted.

“You don’t have any friends here?” He questioned again.

“Well now I do. You, Joshua, Rose, Jake. You’ve all been very nice to me. I would consider you my friend.”

“Am I just a friend?”

The question caught you off guard, and made you choke on the wine you had just sipped. You quickly brought your napkin to your mouth to prevent spitting on him and coughed.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting that question.” Jeonghand had a smirk on his face, but was patient while you wiped your lips. “To be honest, I didn’t think this was a date until Jake told me. He was eavesdropping on our conversation and told me to “have fun on my date”.”

“It’s only a date if you want it to be.” He was smooth, putting the ball in your court.

“I think calling it a date would be fun, but I’m going to be honest. I can’t promise another date,” you warned.

“I expect nonetheless,” he chuckled, holding up his wine to cheer you with.

“Cheers?”

“Cheers. To making new friends.” You chuckled at his statement and took a sip of wine before your food came.

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“How was the date?” Joshua asked, walking up to you at the Ped’s desk. You had just finished your rounds and was about to start prepping for your first surgery.

“Dinner was good, thank you for asking,” you said, Joshua chuckled but nodded. “Just trying to make some friends.”

“I’m your friend. Am I not?”

“This is the first time you’ve called me your friend, but I guess you are now,” you said, not looking up from your tablet which caused Joshua to dramatically exhale.

“What surgery do you have first?” He asked, trying to change the subject.

“A poor little girl who has 3rd degree burns is looking for a skin graft. Jeonghan and I are going to try and give her a skin graft and then try to get her to generate new skin.” Joshua’s face soured at the mention of his best friend.

“Good luck. That sounds like a rough case.” You nodded. When doing rounds you saw the poor girl who was in pain by just speaking due to the blistered and bleeding skin.

“I asked Jeonghan to start without me. Watching her during rounds was awful. I don’t know if I could watch her when she was being put to sleep,” you scoffed.

“Jeonghan is pretty good at cases like that. He’s good at detaching himself when he needs to,” Joshua said, ‘I gotta get going to my first surgery, but good luck with yours!”

You nodded and waved goodbye as he hustled down the hallway. What did Joshua mean when he said Jeonghan was good at detaching himself?

I guess you’d have to find out by being his friend. Or potentially more.

About an hour passed when you were paged to finally head into surgery. Jeonghan had sedated the girl and had already started the skin grafting. You were kinda just there in case anything went wrong and as an extra hand.

Plastics is way out of your knowledge.

“How’d it go?” You asked, as Lia gowned and gloved you.

“It was hard on her, but she fell asleep fast. Let’s just hope we only have to do this once for her sake,” Jeonghan noted. He hadn’t looked up from her face yet, but you could tell he was pretty focused, so you didn’t say anything else.

“Okay. I’ve got the burnt and dead skin off. Let’s get that skin graft on and can you start prepping the fluid for the regen process?” Lia nodded and started getting out syringes and brushes.

“I can help with the grafting,” you offered.

“Sure,” Jeonghan nodded. You carefully picked up the individual strips of graft and carefully put the piece on her cheek bone. Then Jeonghan quickly took a bowl or solution and a brush and brushed over the graft to ensure it would stay and in hopes that it would spark regeneration underneath. “Perfect. Just like that, good job Doctor. L/N.”

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“He let me do a skin graft Joshua,” you exclaimed, clearly excited.

“That’s exciting,” he said, clearly not as excited as you, but trying to be nice about it.

“And he said that he could already see signs that the regeneration process will go well and that she can grow her own skin!” Joshua smiled and looked up from his tablet.

“Congratulations on the successful surgery,” he said, before moving away.

“Wait? Did I do something wrong?” You asked. Confused where his cold attitude was coming from.

“I lost my patient. She had a stroke and died on the table. So while I am happy that you did something new and saved YOUR patient, I’m trying not to be sad or angry that I lost mine,” he said, not briefly looking at you before looking to the ground and walking away.

Leaving you to feel like a jerk.

“What just happened?” Jeonghan asked, taking a seat next to you. He had seen the entire interaction take place.

“I was just telling Joshua about the skin graft, but he was going through a hard time and had to leave,” you said, not wanting to make Joshua out to be the bad guy or share your interaction entirely.

“Ahh I see. Joshua tends to bottle up his feelings and then they come crashing down all at once. Maybe he was upset because he hasn’t been in a while,” Jeonghan explained, leaning against the desk. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” you stuttered, “Just a little shaken up.”

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“Doctor Y/N!” Jonah exclaimed, as you rushed into your first patient's room. “He’s seizing!”

“Roll him on his side and push 10 milligrams of diazepam,” you ordered, as Jonah nodded and rolled the boy to his side. You quickly listened to his heart beat before moving to the side so that Jake could push the medication. A few moments later the boy stop seizing and stilled.

“Can you book a CT scan for him Jake?” He nodded and left the room while you looked at his chart. The CT scan you had was almost three days old. A lot can change in that time.

When the boy Michael was in the machine, Joshua popped his head into the room.

“Ah sorry, I’ll come back later.”

“No, we’re almost done. Just be a minute or two,” you tried to argue.

“No, I was just wanting to copy some scans to study and teach Carter,” he said, pointing to his intern. Kennedy Carter.

“Well why don’t you both come in and try and help me find out what’s causing the boy’s seizures?” You suggested, as Josua looked to Kennedy, who was nodding. “He’s been having seizures for the past two weeks. One more and I'm scared he won't come back.”

Kennedy looked at the scans as Joshua looked at her charts.

“Epilepsy?” Kennedy suggested, but Joshua shook his head.

“His scans eliminate that and his charts say that he’s been in a stable environment for over a week. Did you page Doctor. Xu?” Joshua asked, as you nodded your head.

“He suggests that we do a removal of the section that stimulates the seizures. That because he’s so young that his brain will adapt and make up for the missing section,” you say, “like a modern day lobotomy.”

“That sounds crazy,” Kennedy chuckled.

“It sounds like the best option, because we can’t figure out what’s causing the seizures,” you say, “we’re done now Albert. We’re going to get you back to the room.”

Albert nodded and closed his eyes as the nurses transported him to another bed and rolled him back to his room. You only stayed a few more moments to finish some charts, but moved out of the way for Joshua and Kennedy.

“I’m looking forward to the party Friday. Will you be there?” Joshua asked, interrupting your charting. You had gotten the invitation from Vernon, but hadn’t given it much thought, but it was Tuesday, you probably should let him know.

“I think so, “ you muttered, “I’ll be a little late, I don’t get off till 10.”

“I’ll save you a drink then,” Joshua grinned, as you looked up from your charting, a light blush spreading across your cheeks. You quickly glanced at Kennedy, who was smirking, but luckily, she didn’t say anything.

“Doctor. Xu, are you sure this is the only way we can prevent seizures?” Albert’s mother asked. Mingaho sighed, but nodded.

“Albert’s condition is quite rare, we can’t get to the bottom of why he’s seizing so often. So we figured that stopping them all together would be better than letting them go on while we think of what’s causing them.” You nodded.

“I agree with Doctor. Xu. The long we wait, the harder it gets on Albert. He’s lucky to remain as intact as he is,” you admit, “the sooner we act, the better.”

Alberts mother sighs and looks to her husband. Alberts Stepfather.

“Alright, just help our boy,” he says as you and Minghao both nod.

“Of course,” you smiled, “we’re going to go take him up now. If you want to say a few words, now would be the time.” Albert’s mother nodded and darted into his room while her father gathered her purse and coat before going in.

“Have you ever done this before Minghao?” You asked, watching Albert’s mother and father wrap him in a hug. Minghao looked around and grabbed your elbow before guiding you down a little further, assumingly away from the family.

“No, but this is our only option,” he whispered, “Doctor. Jeon is the only one who has done it, but only once and he refused to do it again.” You sighed and nodded. This wasn’t going to be easy or fun.

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Scrubbing in was always the worst part of surgeries. It took, what felt like forever. All any surgeon wanted to do was dive right in and start operating, but sanitization was just as important as anything else.

So when you were scrubbing in for your surgery you looked up at the gallery to see Joshua and Kennedy.

Great. Something else to think about.

“Are you going to the party on Friday?” A voice sounded from beside you, breaking you out of your thoughts. It was Minghao.

“I am. I just told Vernon,” you answered, “what about you?”

“Yup, I wasn’t going to at first but Joshua convinced me. Told me that there was a new type of spiked tea that he was bringing,” he chuckled. That’s right, Mingaho Xu was a yoga, meditating, tea lover when he wasn’t operating on brains.

“Then I’ll see you at the tea kettle,” you joked as he chuckled and nodded at you before heading into the OR.

Maybe making friends wasn’t as hard as you thought.

Once Mingaho had opened Albert’s brain up, he took a few moments to make sure everything was in order before starting to cut a good section out of the left side of the brain.

Your job was to make sure that the brain stayed moist so you would spray it with saline and then you would start operating after the section was gone and seal up any brain bleeds.

You only looked up at Joshua once. He was watching you closely and smiled down at you pretty quickly. Before you could smile back the monitor started beeping rapidly.

“Brain bleed Doctor. L/N!” Minghao said, not looking up, but pointing to the bleed. It was a medium sized bleed and located right in the center of the cut. You were quickly handed a a suction and irrigation device and started washing away the bleed.

“Doctor L/N,” Minghao warned, you only had a few minutes before the bleeding would completely kill the brain and leave the patient brain dead.

“Almost,” you said, very concentrated. A few seconds later the bleed stopped and the machines stopped beeping as well. “All clear Doctor. Xu.”

Minghao nodded and resumed. After removing the remaining section of the brian Minghao let you close and then checked in on Albert’s vitals that were going steady.

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“Albert’s out of surgery, he did really well,” you said, to Albert’s mother and stepfather. They both cried out in joy and hugged each other.

“Can we see him?” You nodded.

“It’ll just be a few minutes, and we need to keep him in a coma for a few days, but you can sit with him until visiting hours are over.” They nodded and smiled before sitting down and waiting for a nurse to come let them in.

This was your last scheduled surgery, so you were now just on call. You had been up for a good six hours, with a total of maybe three hours of sleep.

You needed a nap.

You had found a fairly quiet on-call room close to the Ped’s unit, and close to the food court if you wanted a snack mid nap. You had only slept there once, but now seemed like a perfect time. So quickly, but quietly made your way to the food court and ordered a sandwich and iced coffee.

Just as you got to the on-call room, you could hear someone behind the door.

Shit, someone was in there.

You knocked on the door, praying that the person was leaving. You could hear the ruffling behind the door before it opened a few seconds later to reveal Joshua, donning a gnarly bedhead.

“Hey,” he yawned.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up,” you apologize as he shakes his head and raises his hands.

“No, I was getting ready to leave,” he reassured, “were you wanting to sleep here?” You nodded and raised your lunch.

“I like to eat here then take a power nap. It’s the only fairly quiet place on this side of the hospital.”

“Tell me about it,” he chuckled, “well it’s all yours.” You nod and step in, watching him move around and collect his coat and throw out his can. “You did amazing in your surgery by the way. I didn’t stay for the whole thing, but I watched you fix that brain bleed.”

You smiled, “thanks. I haven’t done a lot of neuro, so I really enjoyed it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he smiled, “have a good lunch Y/N.”

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You indeed were late to the party much later than you hoped for. You got home at ten, and didn’t get back out the door until almost eleven. Luckily, you texted Jeonghan and made sure that the party was going to last longer. It was, so when you pulled up to the party it was almost midnight.

“Y/N!” Jeonghan exclaimed, opening his door to see you with a bottle of wine. “You made it.”

“I’m so sorry I’m late. I didn’t get out of work until ten,” you sighed, handing him the wine. He smiled and led you to the living room where everyone was.

“I’ll get you a glass, just wait a minute,” he smiled. You nodded and took a stand by the fire place.

“Y/N!” Joshua said, from across the room. You smiled and waved at him as he approached you. “You look great! I don’t often see you out of scrubs.”

“Hey, we got drinks together twice,” you joked. Joshua chuckled and raised his hands.

“Sorry. Haven’t seen you out of scrubs in a while,” he corrected as you chuckled but rolled your eyes.

“You look good too, and I’m sorry I haven’t asked you out after work in a while,” you started but was interrupted by Jeonghan.

“This is really good wine!” He said, handing you a glass and taking a sip of his. “Oh, hey Shua. Did you want a glass?”

“No no, I have a glass of whiskey somewhere here,” he answered, “I just promised Y/N that I’d save her a drink and was going to offer her one. But it looks like you beat me to it.”

Jeonghan smirked, “not my fault you didn’t open the door.” Joshua just smiled and then sent a little glare his way. You could feel the tense atmosphere and looked between the two men glaring at each other before Chan interrupted.

“Joshua, is this your whiskey? Can I have it?” He said lifting the glass and pointing to it.

“No Chan..” he sighed, “I’ll be right back,” he smiled at you and sent another little glare at Jeonghan before rushing to save his drink.

“What was that about?” You asked Jeonghan, who just shrugged.

“Me and Shua have always gravitated toward similar people. Both friendship wise and romantically, it’s caused a few arguments in the past, but we’ve always come out okay on the other side.”

“You’re interested in me?” You exclaimed. Jeonghan chuckled and nodded his head.

“Was that not obvious? I mean I did ask if our last date was a date. I mean I can’t speak for Shua, but I can tell he definitely doesn’t just like you as a friend.”

Hearing the blatant confession made you blush on both cheeks and caused you to look away, not being able to look Jeonghan in the eyes. Two very attractive, hard working, kind men. Interested in you? This doesn’t sound real.

“Sorry, I managed to get my drink back,” Joshua chuckled before playfully glaring at Chan. “What did I miss?” Jeonghan just smirked and took a sip of his wine before making his way to the patio where Seokmin and Wonwoo were.

Joshua stayed practically glued to your side the entire night. You would wander to each of the rooms talking with almost every person, but Joshua would wander with you, fetching you new drinks, food, and contributing to conversations. The moment he went to the bathroom Mingyu chuckled.

“He’s pretty keen on you,” he smiled.

“So I’ve been told,” you blush, “I don’t mind.”

“I mean, he’s practically waiting on you hand and foot.”

Right before you could say anything else, Joshua returned from the bathroom looking down at his phone.

“I just ordered an uber, do you want to ride with me?” He asked, as you looked at the time. It was just hitting three.

“I better, thanks,” you smiled, as Joshua looked up from his phone and smiled. Everyone was slowly starting to leave, Seungkwan, Chan, Mingyu, and Jun were the only ones left and they were all in the living room watching a rerun of a football game. You both made your way and took a seat on the couch together before the uber pulled up. It was quite a tight fit for the both of you, your knees were touching and because of the amount of drinks you had, you started leaning your head on his shoulder.

“Y/N, the uber’s here,” Joshua said, nudging your shoulder and helping you stand up. “Thanks for the party Jeonghan, I had fun.”

Jeonghan smiled, and gave him a hug, before giving you a hug as well.

“Let me know when you both get home,” he smiled. You nodded and waved to everyone while Joshua was waiting for you at the door.

“Thank you for the uber I had a good time tonight,” you blushed, at Joshua. He had insisted on walking you to the door.

“I had fun as well. Let’s do it again sometime,” he smirked, as you playfully rolled your eyes. You were quite close, you leaning against the door and him standing almost a step away.

He smelled like vanilla and you could hear his steady breathing. You could still feel a light buzz due to the few drinks you had, but he was getting closer.

“Joshua,” you looked up at him to see his face awfully close to yours.

“Tell me to stop,” he whispered, leaning in closer.

“That’s the thing. I don’t want you to stop,” you whispered back, wrapping your arms around his neck and pressing your lips together. He reached up and cupped your cheek with his right hand. “Joshua,” you moaned as you both moved further into your home and he pressed you against the door. “What about the uber?”

“Should I tell him to go on?” He panted, out of breath from all the kissing. You nodded and Joshua smiled, before kissing you again. “I’ll go tell him that I’ll be staying.” You nodded and watched him quickly run out to the uber.

You smiled, and fixed your hair in the mirror before Joshua knocked on the door again. You opened it to see no uber and a handsome doctor waiting for you. You wrapped your arms around his neck again and practically pulled him inside.

“Did. I. Tell you. How. Gorgeous. You look. Tonight?” Joshua confessed in between kisses.

You giggled, but didn’t stop kissing him, running your fingers through his hair and pulled him towards your couch. The back of his knees hit it and he fell backwards onto it. This was it, you hadn’t slept with anyone in well over a year, let alone kissed anyone. You were extremely nervous, and Joshua could tell by the look of your face.

“It’s okay, we can go slow if you’d like,” he smiled, pushing his hair out of his face and starting to undo the buttons on his dress shirt prompting you to start undoing your shirt as well.

You hadn’t worn anything fancy, but luckily it was all matching. When your shirt had hit the ground Joshua was looking up at you, smirking again. You leaned down and connected your lips again sitting on his lap. Joshua’s hand went up to cup your cheek again while the other ran down your side and squeezed your hip, before dipping it into your skirt. He slipped a finger under your panites and snapped the fabric against your hip before moving lower towards your core.

Before he could go any further, you moved to take your skirt off and throw it right by your shirt. Joshua’s shirt hadn’t been completely discarded, but simply unbuttoned, you quickly pushed it off his shoulders as he slid both his hands to his pants and also discarded them.

You went back to kissing for a few moments before one of your bra straps started falling off your shoulders. Joshua chuckled and pushed them both off before undoing the clasp in the back and letting it fall off, leaving you almost completely bare. You shuttered as Joshua started pressing kisses down your neck. While he was kissing down your neck to your collarbones and then chest you slid your hands that were in his hair and around his neck to run up and down his chest. He wasn’t ripped to shreds, but he was definitely toned. You ran your hands across his abs before he started kissing your chest more passionately this time. You moaned and pulled his hair a little harder than before, letting Joshua laugh.

“God, you’re so hot,” he moaned again before he started kissing farther down towards your stomach. Sooner or later he was right in between your thighs.

“Joshua,” you moaned as he kissed along your legs.

“It’s okay babe, just relax and have fun,” he smirked, sliding your panties down your legs and throwing them by the t.v. “Do you have work tomorrow?” He asked, as you shook your head no. “Good,” he said before diving in and attaching his lips to your core. His tongue went straight to licking your clint, causing you to throw your head back and arch your chest.

Joshua continued to lick and suck at your core while one of his hands went up to massage your breast and the other to hold your hips down.

“Stop moving so much babe,” he muttered. You whined and pushed his head down. He continued to lick and suck on your clit as you moaned more and started moving your hips into his face more, getting closer to finishing. “Stop moving!”

“Then make me cum,” you moan, looking down at Joshua. He was smirking.

“I’m trying, but I can’t if you keep moving,” he said using both his hands to hold you down and went right back between your thighs, this time using his nose to rub your clit while his tongue licks around your hole. “Tongue or fingers babe?”

“God, your tongue. It was doing so well,” you sighed, taking one of his hands and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. He nodded and started licking and sucking on your clit again, this time faster making you come in a matter of minutes. Just as you finished your climax, Joshua slid two fingers into your hole and started moving as well. “What are you doing?” You cried, still sensitive and watched him slide up and kiss you.

“You don’t have work tomorrow, we’re gonna go all night baby,” he flirted, still fingering you.

“It’s already nearly five in the morning,” you whined as Joshua added a third finger.

“I’ve never had morning sex before,” he grinned, “and to think, we’re not even in bed.”

“Morning couch sex. Who woulda thought?” You joked before moaning at a particular spot that Joshua hit with his fingers.

“I’m not opposed,” he said as you came again. This time Joshua gave you some time to breathe. “That was quite lovely,” he said, sitting up and throwing your legs over his lap.

“Do you want to keep going?” You asked, as he started massaging your ankles.

“Again, I’m not opposed to doing more,” he said.

“Do you want to go to my bedroom?” You asked, as he stopped massaging your ankles and nodded. You smiled and held out your hands and stood up, he took them and you practically pulled him straight off the couch.

“Your place is really nice for only being here for a month,” he complimented.

“Thanks, I had to buy new furniture and decorations for a place that I really only sleep in,” you joked, “I guess I’m doing more than sleeping now.” Joshua smirked but didn’t say anything as you opened your bedroom door and flicked on the lightswitch which controlled the bedside lamp.

Joshua held your hand and guided you to the bed and gently laid you down before laying beside you. He was still holding your hand and started playing with your fingers.

“Do you have any condoms?” He asked, you shook your head.

“No, but I’m on birth control and I’m clean. I haven’t been with anyone in a long time,” you say as he stops playing with your fingers to look up at you.

“I’m clean as well, but it seems like Joe already told you,” he joked, referring to your first day after work, when Joe admitted that Joshua hadn’t been on a date in the six years he had lived in Seattle. “Are you sure you don’t want a condom?”

You nodded and wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him on top of you. “I’m sure. I just wanna feel you.”

Joshua smiled and grabbed his cock, before lining it up with your entrance.

“You’re so wet,” he moaned.

“You did make me cum twice before this,” you joke.

“Har har,” Joshua jokes back, “works out in our favor though,” he says before pushing himself into you. He didn’t push himself fast, but it was enough to catch you off guard. His one hand reached out and grabbed yours, pinning it above your head, while the other cupped your cheek more and started kissing you to swallow your moans.

“Oh,” you moaned.

“That it baby,” Joshua sighed into your mouth as he pressed himself all the way into you. When he got all the way in, he stopped to let you adjust to him, he could feel you clenching around him and it drove him crazy. About 20 seconds later you finally felt good enough for him to start, so you squeezed his hand for him to start.

Joshua smiled and started thrusting into you at a steady pace. Everytime he would slam his cock back into you it sent you seeing stars.

“Josh, it feels so good,” you moaned, arching your back, letting your chest and perked nipples brush against his. Joshua smiled and moved his other hand that was holding your leg around his waist to squeeze your nipple. You moaned again, clenching around him harder this time feeling a building pressure in your stomach. “Don’t stop.”

“I won’t,” he moaned, pressing more kisses against your neck and face before thrusting into you a few more times and then cumming. He let out a groan, but continued to keep thrusting into you, bringing the hand that was holding your hand to rub circles on your clit until you started to feel the pressure in your stomach burst.

You came hard.

Joshua smiled and brushed some sweaty hair away from your face as you caught your breath and started kissing you again. You could feel the cum dripping down your thighs, you needed a break.

“I can’t go again. I need a few minutes,” you whispered, pulling away from the kiss to try and catch your breath again. Joshua nodded and pressed one last kiss to your lips before slowly pulling out of you and reaching over to the bedside table for tissues.

He carefully opened your legs and started cleaning you up while you took a sip of water. You winced when the cloth hit your core, but Joshua didn’t really flinch and continued to wipe around your legs.

When Joshua was done, he got off the bed and picked you up, carrying you to the bathroom. Damn, he was good at sex and made sure to provide aftercare, you really know how to pick’em.

After you peed Joshua carried you back to bed. You lifted the covers and slipped under as Joshua went back to the living room to get some clothes. He came back in his boxers and your underwear.

“Can you go to my closet and get a sleep shirt? You can grab a shirt too if one looks like it fits,” you asked. Joshua nodded and walked into your closet. A few minutes later he came out in your old oversized band shirt and a new pair of panties and oversized shirt, for you.

He handed them to you and crawled into bed next to you.

“I can stay right?” He asked, as you nodded.

“We’re still drunk. So yeah, you can stay,” you said, snuggling up next to him and nuzzling your face into his shoulder. You both laid there in silence for a while before Joshua looked down to see you fast asleep on his chest.

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taglist: @asasilentreader , @myjaeyunn, @gaslysainz @itsnotjop

A/N: Omg this is my first ever smut. I looked over it a few time to make sure it all made sense and was fluid, but if there are any weird things about it lmk. Anyways! So happy and excited that they did have sex because it opens up boyfriend Joshua core and I'm excited to dive into that. Don't worry, we're still going to get some love triangle with Jeonghan, but this defiantly adds something to the mix.

Anyways! I hope you enjoyed! And feel free to talk to me in the comments <3

#seventeen fic #joshua x y/n #joshua hong #seventeen x reader #seventeen fanfic #greys anatomy #hong's anatomy #joshua angst #hong jisoo #joshua hong smut #joshua hong fluff #hong jisoo smut #seventeen imagines #seventeen series #seventeen smut #svt x reader #svt fanfic #svt smut

129 notes · View notes

pixiesfz · 3 months

Note

do u have to kill me w the jessie angst

yes.

game on j.f

plot: You and Jessie play eachother for the first warnings: angst, injury part four of this

warnings: angst, injury

You were now lined up in your respective teams, ready to go on and take your team photo before the game started.

“you ready?” Lauren asked you as you were told you were going to play the full 90 “Yeah” you answered her as you tried to pull the memory of your conversation with Christine away.

“Do your thing, we haven’t had a gem like you come across us in a while” she smiled and you smiled back “Thanks Lozza” You rested your head on her shoulder, ignoring the feeling of someone watching you.

When the game was about to start you walked over to your position next to Jessie “Ready?” she asked you as she tied her laces which you predicted was about the third time that she retied them today “Yeah you?” you asked the girl nodded her head “yep”.

The conversation was cold, you both knew it but unbeknownst to you Jessie was angry.

She was pissed.

You told her you didn’t love her, broke her heart and now you wanted her again.

You confused her and now she’s angry.

She’s angry that you’re here. Why? Couldn’t you have just stayed in London?

But the siren played before she could accidentally snap by just looking at you.

You knew how Jessie played and used it to your advantage, leading you to assist a goal in the twelfth minute. But you didn’t know that Jessie would start to play dirty in the 85th minute.

You had the ball, dribbling it down the wing before a leg hit your right ankle from the side causing you to yelp out in pain and jump meaning when you landed, you landed hard on your side, knocking the wind out of you.

Jessie got up in shock “y/n?” she asked and you rolled on your side “Can’t breathe” you stuttered before your teammates ran to you, Lauren who had been subbed on pushed Jessie away as she turned her head to try and get a good look at you.

“Jessie just leave” Lauren eventually said with a stern look as the Canadian was backed into another one of her teammates.

It took a second for you to regain your breath as the medics came to check on your ankle. “Is it broken?” you asked, a tear falling down your face in fear that you would be out for weeks” The medic crossed his head and you sighed in relief “sprained but you can’t play” he instructed and you nodded in agreement “you couldn’t pressure yourself into getting even more injured.

“Help me” you instructed to two girls next to you who helped you up. “get better y/n” they all said as you started to walk off with a limp, some people in the crowd applauding you as you walked down the tunnel.

You watched on the TV in the doctors room as the Portland thorns gained a goal by Jessie but she didn’t celebrate as her teammates piled on top of her. Portland thorns win 2 – 1.

After the game some of your teammates came in to check on you, Lauren promising to get you Pizza as she walked out.

But as you laid down on the table, the ice pack on your foot almost melted completely the door opened again.

You propped up on your elbows to see the woman who put you here in the first place. Bitterly you frowned “congrats on the win” you deadpanned and laid back down.

“I didn’t mean to tackle you that hard” Jessie said and you rolled your eyes propping yourself back up “Jessie I’ve been watching you play for three years, you know how to tackle and you know how to tackle clean” you told her and she sat down on a chair near the door “I’m sorry” was all she said again before silence took over.

“Why’d you do it?”

Jessie looked at you as you staired up to the ceiling “what?” she asked “Why’d you tackle me so hard?” you asked again “I don’t know” she stated “yes you do” you told her before lifting your body up so you’re both forced to look at each other.

“I-“ she started, running her hand through her showered hair which was slicked back, a hairstyle you would always run your fingers through to make her feel better after a rough game.

“spit it out” you demanded and the girl looked down “Why are you being mean?” she asked defensively “Oh I’m sorry are you the one who’s out for 6 weeks” you responded outraged that she’d even turn the situation around.

“Oh because you’re so innocent” Jessie shrugged and you raised your brows “excuse me?”

“Oh c’mon” Jessie groaned “I heard you talking to Christine before the game” she said and you looked down.

Oh shit.

“What do you mean ask me on a date?” she asked with anger as she stood up in anger “Jessie” you said softly “no” she cut you off “you said you didn’t love me, you broke me why?” she said, her emotions spilling over as a tear fell down your cheek, but you were mad as well, she injured you.

You propelled yourself off the seat, whimpering as your foot hit the ground “Y/n your injured stop-“ she said softly as you limped to her “No, you wanna know why I did what I did” you said, stepping closer as she stayed still.

You took her silence as a yes.

“I loved you Jessie, I really did that’s why” you stated and you saw her eyes gloss over “That makes no sense” she whispered and you rolled your eyes “You were unhappy at Chelsea, you deserved more and if you didn’t leave I- I would’ve been holding you back so I lied. I told you I didn’t love you because I loved you so much to let you go” You finished as you squeezed your face in pain by putting pressure on your ankle.

“You got it now?”

Jessie looked down at the floor in silence, your anxiety taking over you. “Jessie please say something” you begged “Jessie please-“

But you were cut off as her lips found yours...

#woso x reader #woso #woso soccer #woso community #jessie fleming x reader #jflem #jessie fleming #jeff

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lains-reality · 10 months

Note

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

#lainsmail

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drferox · 9 months

Text

My MS Diagnosis

So I’m approaching the 2 year mark since my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis and I thought I’d better document how I got here, because being the patient is a weird experience, especially for a condition that had kind of vague symptoms that needed a fair amount of work up.

My symptoms actually started in early 2020, when I was in the third trimester of pregnancy. The main symptom was mistaken for carpal tunnel syndrome - numbness in my fingers that would progress to increasingly violent pins & needles sensations, that would progress to burning if I tried to push through it. Only this sensation would extend all the way up to my shoulders at times. I stopped performing surgery, because not only was I unsatisfied with my lack of sensation to know what I was doing with my tissue handling, but the pain would get worse quickly in constrictive surgical gloves in the presence of patient warming. So I stopped performing surgery in late pregnancy and was told it would get better a few months after giving birth.

It did not.

So six months after giving birth, finding myself able to use my hands for short periods but still unable to perform surgery to my standard, I went back to complain to the doctor. I also couldn’t play video games properly, my arms would often be numb when I woke up, all the way up to my shoulder, and they were super temperature sensitive. Even hot water from washing dishes would set them off.

They sent me down a carpal tunnel work up - ultrasounds and talking to a neurologist. The short version is they did tell me I had mild carpal tunnel… on one side only.

Which did not make any damn sense considering I had symptoms on both sides all the way up to my shoulder.

The worst neurologist in the world could not explain to me why a mild problem on one wrist was affecting sensation all the way up to the opposite shoulder, and just said ‘it happens sometimes’. Now, I like to think I have a solid understanding of the basics of how a body works, and was really unsatisfied with this answer. They recommended I talk to a surgeon, since I’d already been doing a bunch of physiotherapy, but I decided not to. Surgery could have put my hand in a cast for up to 6 weeks, I had a 6 month old baby to care for at home and a partner who was useless at best, and abusive at worst. I could not afford the time in a cast.

So I went to try something else, visiting an osteopath to see what they could do about my ‘mild’ carpal tunnel, and while I’m there, these headaches I’ve been getting.

She spent a good long while stretching out different muscle groups, and found that certain neck muscle stretches changed the sensations I was getting in my fingertips. So whatever was causing the hand problem was coming from somewhere in the neck, and she recommended I get a CT scan.

Went back to my doctor to get a referral for a CT scan, and explained what was going on. He thought about it for a minute, didn’t voice his concerns, and upgraded it to a neck MRI.

That MRI found a demyelinating lesion in my neck. So went back for a full Central Nervous System scan and found a couple more borderline ones.

That sent me back to a (different) neurologist, had a proper neurological exam that found a few random patches of altered skin sensation in addition to the arm weirdness I had going on. So I was probably a MS case, but not particularly severe as MS goes.

To confirm it I needed a lumbar puncture to look for oligoclonal bands in by CSF. The lumbar puncture was a moderately unpleasant experience which then mandated that I remain lying down for 24 hours so that my spinal fluid didn’t spring a leak. With a baby and a distinctly unhelpful partner, I barely made it to that 24 hours.

And then… I sprung a CSF leak. Which is a jolly weird experience I can tell you.

When your CSF leaks from a lumbar puncture you will feel perfectly fine… when you are lying flat on your back, because your spine flops over the hole and plugs the leak. If you’re upright at all the spine flops away from the hole and it slowly leaks out, and you get more of this weird frontal headache that gets worse the longer you’re upright, standing there talking to the ER admissions nurse. And the info I had explained that it can progress to seizures and similar the worse it gets, but I only got as far as pain and fuzzy vision. I seriously could only be upright for ten minutes without pain, and had to lie down to resolve it.

That required some medicine-that-looks-like-magic to fix, called a blood patch. Doctors took some of my blood, fresh out of the vein, and inserted it into my spine approximately where the leak should be, so that the clot would cover the leaky patch. Self blood magic. It worked brilliantly, about an hour later.

The CSF tap ordeal confirmed the presence of the oligoclonal bands, and then I got stunted into the public health system, in a department specifically geared towards managing Multiple Sclerosis patients. They debated for a little while, at a multidisciplinary meeting, whether I was really MS or a Clinically Isolated Syndrome (which is like Multiple Sclerosis but without the ‘Multiple’ part), but settled on MS. Yes, Tumblr, I was nearly diagnosed with CIS.

The shoe thing took about a year from when I actively complained to doctors, or about 18 months from the first probable symptoms. That’s approximate because some things that were thought to be pregnancy symptoms could have been due to MS, like fatigue and leg weakness. I’m pretty lucky that I’m comfortable in hospitals and with medical procedures, am reasonably medically literate. I think the magic phrase that got things to happen quickly was ‘these symptoms are greatly affecting my ability to do my job’.

I don’t think my MS has progressed since starting the medication (and I’ll talk about the medication in another post). I’ve acquired one additional brain lesion since diagnosis, but I have no clue what physical symptom it’s associated with.

While some symptoms are better, I still cannot perform surgery to the standard or with the endurance that I used to,so I basically don’t any more. I can do about ten minutes, which is enough to bail a new graduate vet out of trouble, but not enough to take over completely for them. I’ve had a few years to think about it but I don’t know what the MS is going to do to my career, only that I can still practice for now.

It’s not great, but it could be a whole lot worse, and that’s how I got here.

#multiple sclerosis #MS #medical diagnosis #me the patient

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heartbeat-eras · 4 months

Text

Just a little exercise.. right?

TLDR - I’m newly on meds and my heart. Well she doesn’t seem to like them. I did three rounds of 20 squats. After trying to get her to calm down (spoliers she didn’t) I laid down. This caused an immediate extreme drop. I then did a push which brought her into the 60s. I don’t think she threw any pvcs but you be the judge.

————————

If you saw my intro post you would know that I’ve recently been prescribed dexadrine. Dexadrine is an amphetamine that can raise blood pressure and heart rate. In my other post I thought it was high time I tested my Heart’s response to these meds. I know she’s been a lot more poundy and faster than normal but.. I thought I would do some of my own tests.

Firstly was tracking her all night with a chest strap monitor. I followed this up with taking my meds before getting out of bed and waiting for them to kick in. The result was exactly in the small range they said it should be. So my faster rate is clearly the meds and my heart working against gravity.

I’ve been looking into if exercising on meds is safe. There are split opinions if you should do it after / before or if you can do it while medication is in your system. I decided to try a small run. Let me preface this with a couple of years ago I was a runner. My heart always was reactive and fast to exercise but not like what happened here.

So imagine. I’ve put on my workout gear. Taped my Stemoscope to the loudest part of chest and go into the room with the treadmill. I set up my chest strap monitor with the treadmill. Perfect.. she’s beating at 142 and I haven’t done anything. I start the Stemoscope recording. 2 mins standing with her pounding away - not yet exercising. Ok this is gonna be fun. At 2 mins jump on at a brisk walk. She immediately drops to 113 - no there’s not wrong with the monitor. I can hear her. Then she slowly climbs. 117, 124, 131 and back to 142 and beyond. Within 1 1/2 mins we’re at 156. I’m not tired or out of breath but I also know I probably shouldn’t do this for long so I think- ok let’s try max her out. I break into a jog. Nothing like I used to, but a slow recovery run. She’s climbing and fast. Within a short space of time she’s now in the beating at 182 - I usually couldn’t feel beats like this before but I can feel her rocking my chest. I’m oddly out of breath for something I used to be able to sustain for over an hour. I jump off and bend over, trying to catch my breath. My heart thrashing in both my chest and my ears. My head spinning as I try to get her oxygen. I’m watching the number on the treadmill with the little heart next it. It’s not going down. It’s going up. At 187 she peaks and is pounding away. This is 2 mins after ceasing activity. She drop quite quickly.. not this time I guess.

I grab my gear and go back to my room. She’s settled a little bit. She keeps calming down then speeding back up. Down to 151 then up to 176. She’s all over the place like she doesn’t know what she’s meant to do.

Well that’s enough. I need to take some stress off her. I lay down, resulting in an immediate drastic drop to around 100. Finally. The break she needed. I go back to the recording… and we’ll I deleted in my zoned out state.

So this time I’ve recorded some squats. I was only able to get her into the 170s but you can hear just how unconditioned she sounds. This was not what she like pre meds and I will be asking my doctor about this when I see him next (well maybe leave out the constant stething). A part of me is slightly worried about this, whereas another part of me is like…. Oooo well. That’s a fun sound . Damn cardiophile thoughts right?

I hope you enjoy her first try (tech second) at exercise. She would love to hear your thoughts and support. She’s literally pounding in my ears as I share her with you.

#irregular heartbeat #cardiophilia #pounding heart #cardiophile #heartbeat #female heartbeat #exercise heartbeat #tachycardiac #cardio workout

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izzytheloser12 · 27 days

Text

~~~~ More kaishin incorrect quotes~~~~

*kaito trying to flirt with Shinichi*

Kaito: Dom or sub?

Shinichi: I guess Domino's, since I don't go to Subway that much. Don't see why you'd put them in the same category though.

~~~~~~

Kaito: You look good in that hoodie.

Shinichi: You know where else I'd look good?

Kaito, zero hesitation: My bed.

Shinichi, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?

~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

Kaito: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

Shinichi: WHAT

~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: *Holding up a pack of pencils* These are kinda cute.

Kaito: Shinichi, that’s gay.

Shinichi: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

~~~~~~~~

*kaito trying to flirt with Shinichi part 2*

Kaito: I like your new pants!

Shinichi: Thanks, they were 50% off!

Kaito: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*

Shinichi: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Kaito: Thats’s… not what I meant.

Shinichi: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Kaito.

~~~~~~~

Shinichi: You know, Kaito, when you generalize, you tell general... lies.

Kaito: ...

Kaito: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kaito: Shinichi, why are you crying?

Shinichi: This book is so sad!!

Kaito, picking it up: But this is my diary-

Shinichi: your life is really sad kaito

~~~~~~~~~~

Kaito: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Shinichi: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.

Kaito, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Kaito: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Shinichi: But you’re always acting stupid?

Kaito: ...

Kaito: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Did it hurt when you fell-

Kaito: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-

Shinichi: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.

Kaito: ...

Shinichi: You just laid there for 15 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kaito: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?

Shinichi: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out in bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?

~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: Bonjour, Kaito. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi?

Kaito: No, I don't want to sleep with you.

Shinichi: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Kaito: WHAT

~~~~~~~

Shinichi: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.

Kaito: This is a lie.

Kaito: I'm literally dating him. This is a lie.

Kaito: HE DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shinichi: I'm at a loss for words!

Kaito: Despite being ‘at a loss for words’, Shinichi yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~

Kaito: Why are you like this??

Shinichi: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.

~~~~~~

Kaito, singing: He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice

Shinichi, also singing: Santa Claus is calling you out!

~~~~~~

Shinichi: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...

Kaito: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?

Shinichi: Holy shit-

~~~~~~

Kaito: Shinichi and I are no longer dating.

Shinichi: Kaito, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

#shinichi kudo #dcmk #kaishin #magic kaito #kaito kuroba #kuroba kaito #kudo shinichi #detective conan #detective conan kaishin #dcmk memes #incorrect dcmk quotes #(lol I think I added to many)#(oh well)#(this was fun to do!!!!)

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heyitssashag · 6 months

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Today I walked over 10km/almost 15,000 steps. I took the kid to school, had a meeting with their case manager and then hung out for a while. After, I walked into town, grabbed a bag of groceries, then sat and had a decaf americano. I realized it was the first time in a while where I haven’t felt bloated or gross in the gut. I figured it was the no sugar/flour diet. …but then I had that coffee. I’m not sure if it’s the cream or the coffee but I’m going to lay off it for a few days and see if it makes a difference. In my crazy running days (when I did marathons regularly), I never touched coffee in the mornings. I waited until after my run (if I had it at all). It didn’t agree with me. Instead, I drank green tea. So I’ll do that instead. I never could understand runners who loaded up on the caffeinated GU gels and electrolytes. I’d be living on the toilet. lol.

My tumour markers made the biggest jump up this month. Which blows. It’s been on an upward trend for about 6 months now. It started in July where it went up 10 points and stayed the same for a month then climbed from there.

To put it in perspective, the highest my tumour markers reached was 295 (that I know of) in June 2021. It was a few months after diagnoses, surgery and radiation.

Still, there’s no definitive signs of progression in the scans, though. Meaning, not enough to change treatment. I know many will watch their markers climb for up to a year before anything shows up on a scan. I’d like to be proactive, though. I’ll be scanned again in January - and even if they come back with nothing, I plan to go on chemo by that point. I’ve made up my mind. It’s time. I’ll have been on this regimen for 2.5 years. It’s served me well and a lot longer than many women. Besides, scans have failed me on a number of occasions in the past. I don’t really trust them. Correction: I don’t trust the radiologists to read them correctly. I wish there was a crash course on how to read your own scans. lol. I’ve requested numerous copies of my scans in the past (on CD) and I don’t know what I’m looking for. The only thing I can confidently point out is the hardware in my neck and the hot spots on my bone scans.

I’ve been feeling scared and worried about this which, in turn, causes anxiety. I know this. I feel like a lot of things are out of my hands and my control is limited. It’s a tough thing to get used to. It doesn’t help that my family doctor is on the mainland and my oncologist has 5 minutes for me and he repeats the same things all the time.

I’m tired, weak, sore and grumpy.

I hate feeling this way.

I need to kick my own ass to do weights again. I don’t even know where to start anymore. Everything hurts. lol.

Thank-you Tumblr for being my therapy.

Thank-you to all of you who read these posts. I know some of them are hard to get through.

On a positive note:

I’ve made more Christmas plans. Lots of events are coming up.

I’m 2/3 of the way through my book “Anxious People” which is turning out to be pretty good. There’s a Netflix series based on it as well but I’m waiting until I’m finished the book.

I’m doing a live reading later this week over Zoom of my story (in the Wildfire magazine). It’s being recorded so I can post the link here later.

I’ve got some new jokes that I hope to run through with my comedy class this week. I’ve also found a weekly open mic where I can perform. It’s not very local but I heard it’s relaxed and supportive. I may not get in before Christmas but it’s definitely on my New Year’s “to do”.

I finished up with one of my Health Coaching participants and she gave me a really wonderful review to my coordinator.

I needed to focus on some of positive things. So there. Yay me. lol.

I’ve also been trying to get my foot in the door for a possible employment opportunity. It’s very little hours which is fine because I can’t commit to much but it’s a wonderful, rewarding position. I hope I can charm my way in. lol. I won’t know much more than that until later January. I miss working but I’m also extremely grateful for the option of not needing to work. Our identities can be tied into our jobs and it can be an adjustment to just stop and never look back. I guess this is why I haven’t stopped volunteering. I don’t know a lot of people who just retire and that’s it… they hang out on cruise ships all day. lol.

Anyway, going to call my 94 year old Oma before it gets too late. Then it’s book reading time.

#metastatic breast cancer #I haven’t proof read this and I don’t want to so I apologize in advance for grammatical errors #blogging on my blog

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shigarakis-cumdump · 8 months

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Day 2: Patient X Doctor Baizhu (Genshin)

(If you like what you read, consider supporting me on Ao3!)

Kinktober 2023 masterlist here!

Title: An Unnatural Remedy

Summary: As an adventurer, you go on some dangerous journeys. After taking quite the fall, you find yourself in BuBu pharmacy. But don’t worry, doctor Baizhu has just the thing to make you feel better.

Cw: none

Word Count: 1k

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Ah, shit!” You scream, knees and calves all scraped up from the fall you just took. You and your adventuring partner were scaling a mountain in Liyue when your rope snapped and caused you to fall 15 feet down the mountain. Your partner raced back down to come to your aid, but it was a bad fall.

“I think your foot might be broken, Y/N.. We need to get you to BuBu pharmacy!”

“No! I hate doctors, I think I’ll be fine.”

“We’re not debating this; I’m taking you, now.”

Somewhere along the way to the pharmacy, you passed out, and when you awoke, you were in a very clean room with incense burning by your bedside.

“I think she’ssss awake,” you heard a puny voice say quietly. You turned your head to the source of the noise and found Baizhu, the local doctor in Liyue sitting on the other side of the room, as if he'd been waiting for you to wake up.

“Why hello, glad to see you’re finally awake,” he said. His voice was smooth like butter, and his demeanor was comforting.

“How bad is it?” You ask, dreading the news and the thought of the bill afterwards.

“I must say, that was quite a fall you must’ve taken; a sprained ankle and fractured shin bone is no laughing matter.” You look at your leg that’s raised in a splint, which was rather uncomfortable. You try wiggling your foot and are met with a shooting pain from your ankle to your knee.

“Now now, please, try not to make any sudden movements with that leg of yours,” Baizhu explains, “I haven’t given you much medicine, just a concoction of herbs to ease the pain temporarily, although they seem to be wearing off..” He sighs as he takes a seat beside your bed.

“Do you have anything stronger?”

“Well, I have something that can heal you temporarily, although you will still need to be careful, as this is not a complete repair.”

“And that is..?”

“Chi energy is something I’ve practiced for many years. It speeds up the healing process nearly 5 times the normal pace. There are some adverse side effects, however.” He explains.

You didn’t care much for the side effects, you just needed to be healed as quickly as possible since your adventuring commission was yet to be completed. You agreed to this remedy, but told Baizhu, “Absolutely no needles.”

“There will be no need for such things. Now, there are still many ways I can administer this medicine, especially since it’s not medicine of this world,” Baizhu explains, “but since you are such a special patient, I can give you a very painless way, if you so choose.”

“Painless, please..” you say with a shaky voice.

“There’s no need to be scared, Y/N, have I been rough with you thus far?” He asks, leaning in and brushing your hair out of your face with his cold hand.

“N-No..” you reply.

“Exactly. Now, just relax, my little patient,” he says with that lulling voice, the one that nearly puts you into a trace. Baizhu goes and grabs another strap and raises your other leg up in the air as well. You were wearing a hospital- like gown and could feel a cool breeze up your body. “It’s okay to feel vulnerable, you know. This is a safe place and no one will be coming in. Do you trust me?” He asks, leaning over you in between your legs. You answer back with a shy, “yes.”

“You can hold my hand, if you’d like.” he offers, and you take it, squeezing his hand tightly. Verbal clues are all you have to go off of since you clenched your eyes tight from fear.

Suddenly, you feel a rather warm sensation down by your groin. “You’ll feel an intrusion, don’t be alarmed,” he reassured. The tip of something warm breached past your entrance and filled you up. Your mouth dropped open in ecstasy, and you opened your eyes to see Baizhu’s only a few inches away.

“I’m going to start administering the medicine, all right?” You could only manage a nod before he started slowly bucking his hips back and forth. He felt otherworldly, and with each thrust you could feel some of your energy coming back to you.

“That feels amazing, doctor..” you whine.

“Good, you’re taking it very well,” he praises, “but try not to be so loud,” he leans in, “these walls are rather thin.” he whispers into your ear. Your face turns a bright red and your pussy clenches to the thought of others listening in. “Oh, I didn’t know I had such an adventurous type on my hands,” he chuckles. Baizhu tenderly kisses the nape of your neck, taking small nibbles as he trails down to your chest. Your back arches, and your hips try meeting his pace. “Ah ah, you’re on bedrest, no unnecessary movements from you- let me do all the work.” Baizhu quickened his pace, and the room filled with an unfamiliar scent that was heavy, as if it was hugging you and putting you to sleep. Baizhu was breathless above you, his hands massaging your tits gently. He pinched your nipple and you gasped,

“Baizhu!” his name rolled off your tongue, followed by a moan that spurred him, his thrusts getting sloppier and messier.

“Shh shh, just a bit longer and you’ll feel worlds better..” He groaned.

“Don’t stop, ‘feels too good,” you beg.

“Too much medicine isn’t a good thing, either. Don’t get greedy, my little patient.” He replied. Baizhu’s hips come to a still as he cums inside of you, his hot cum filling you up and making you feel incredible. You tried reaching out and grabbing his arm but your body was suddenly weak and faint.

“That’s one of the side effects; this remedy makes the patient rather drowsy, I must apologize.” He tells you as he gets up and fixes his clothes. You mutter a small thank you before your eyes shut and you’re lulled off to sleep.

“All in a day's work.” Baizhu kisses you on the forehead and sits beside you, waiting until you awake again.

#genshin fanfic #genshin impact #kinktober #kinktober 2023 #shigarakiscumdumpkinktober #shigarakiscumdumpwrites #genshin #fanfic #afab! reader #female reader #baizhu #baizhu genshin impact

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cycloptics · 6 months

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This is basically a diary entry that gets dark but maybe it’s onto something? I needed it okay

Basically I’m just talking about art and being autistic and quitting my job after hitting burnout

And also some personal traumatic shit I guess

Please don’t feel inclined to read this if you don’t want to I think I just needed to put out my real fucking feelings into the world ya know?

Something really crazy has happened since I hit burnout.

I spent forever hating every piece of art I did, whether it was painting, drawing, or nail art. I’ve hated all of it, never thought I was good enough. I still don’t, of course, but I do atleast feel like I see potential during the process.

But now, since I’ve got the support of people who love my work, or love me, I’m able to look at it again (after a break of hyperfocus) and I can say “okay.. wow, that’s pretty good. I like that.” And that’s fucking HUGE! But what’s even crazier is I looked back and old work I did, work that sat in my sketchbooks abandoned forever, and I am like holy shit. I did that. And I love that.

I painted this in 2019-2020, I’m not even sure when, but I remember being in my apartment, I remember this being one of those pieces where I was desperate to make art. I desperately looked for ways to make a living doing art, just so I’d be able to paint. I bought a Wacom pen and a laptop, I was determined to learn digital art.. and I hated it. Then I bought an iPad and Apple Pencil, still didn’t love digital art. Then someone said “you should do nails” and I thought it was perfect. Then I went to school and did that. Worked my ass off. Went to the best salon in my area and worked there, killing myself and burning myself out in the process, trying to be perfect.

**TW: death, PTSD, loss of a pet, loss of a parent, hospitals**

Then my cat got sick, and even though I syringe fed him prescription food and cat pedialyte, gave him meds, and tried everything, he died.

Then a week later my dad tore his Achilles and ended up in the hospital with 2 DVTs and a PE. He then fought for 2 months to stay alive for us. I watched my dad code and survive multiple times, spent Christmas in ICU with him on a bipap to breathe, watched him lose his fucking mind, praying to god, almost fighting god, seizing, shaking, crying, desperately kissing me and my brothers heads while not being able to say anything other than beg god. I tried everything I could to bring his mind back, because it was my dads biggest fuckin fear was losing his mind. I brought pictures and showed him.. the guilt I feel for going to work while my dad was in the fucking hospital. The calls I got. The way he begged me to break him out of there, and I will always regret not doing that. I’ll never forget it the faces my dad made, the sounds he made, when delirium took over and he was so scared, and looked nothing like himself. Covered head to toe in bruises and restrained to the bed, because they tried to put a Bipap on him when he was sleeping. I’ll never forget seeing how broken my dad was, a man who was so prideful and stubborn, and whose biggest nightmare came true when his youngest daughter had to help him use the bathroom. The way my dad never wanted to seem weak, and the way my stepmom humiliated him. The way she made him sound so pathetic to the doctors that they gave him too much oxygen constantly, because she said he couldn’t do anything without almost suffocating. The way she lied and said he was on 2 liters every night, because that’s how she got her oxygen. She was on 2 liters. My dad refused to use it. The way that him getting too much oxygen made his COPD worse. How that’s what ended up being the cause of death. Not the blood clots that I was so terrified of, that it was COPD. I’ll never forget New Year’s Day and me having full blown OCD had texted everyone in my family begging them not to do laundry because it would mean my dad would die, and finding out my stepmom did laundry because she isn’t superstitious.. then that day finding out my dad was never gonna make it out. I’ll never forget moving to comfort care, and trying to make sure my dad heard all his favorite songs as we all said goodbye to him, or the fact that when it came down to it, my dad was taken off of everything and still refused to die in front of his kids. That my brother made us leave. And he died soon after we left the room. I’ll never forget falling asleep and swearing I’d hear his voice. Crying to Al green in my car. Going fully nonverbal after he died. I thought I knew death because my mom died, but I was wrong. I didn’t know death was so fucking UGLY.

Probably the worst part of death is finding out that it’s so fucking gutwrenchingly ugly. it’s so rarely peaceful. The portrayals I saw of it or heard of it, those were coping mechanisms from grieving people just hiding the reality of it.

I also can’t forgive my stepmom for cremating my dad when he had a literal plot next to my mom, with a headstone my grandfather carved (family biz was monuments) or the fact that she told everyone he didn’t want a funeral.

My dad would never have deprived his kids of the opportunity to grieve him properly.

So I don’t have his ashes, we never did any service, and I’m still pretty fucking fucked up from it.

Then two weeks later one of my best friends died, she was the same age my mom was, with kids the same ages me and my brothers were when my mom died, and she died suddenly with no warning, just like my mom. Her parents called me to tell me. Her dad a week before had reached out to see how I was doing when my dad passed. The universe really is funny that way.

Then another friend died, liver failure. Fucking what? And I couldn’t go to that funeral because I had to work, and I had already taken off too much time for all the other deaths. Couldn’t be the sad employee with all the dead friends and family members apparently. And it gnawed at me that I let work keep me from being with my dad when he was dying, that I missed a funeral because of the pressure to be at work, that I was having breakdowns during nail appointments and only heard about how fucking slow I was.

So I quit my fuckin job. And I regret nothing.

Am I broke as fuck? YES. Have I figured out how to make money for real? Nope. Have I listed anything? Nope. But I will.

Because burnout really taught me that I know what my real passion is in life and what makes me happy, and it’s fucking paint. And art supplies. And doodles. And hyper focusing on something and picking it apart for hours and not having someone over my shoulder telling me I’m too slow, or it’s not good enough.

I’m still in burnout, but if I didn’t hit it, I’d never have allowed myself to heal. I’d never have let myself focus on my actual needs, because I never let them matter. Just had to be a machine that did perfect work to make money for others while I took enough to pay my bills.

And tbh, I’m fine with only getting by, as long as I am doing something I actually enjoy.

Anyway. This started about me realizing that I don’t absolutely suck at art, but I think I really just needed to let out all of these feelings without worrying about anyone else’s. I people pleased through grief. What a dumb thing to do. Fuck masking. Fuck it. I’m done.

#actually autistic #burnout #artists on tumblr #neurodivergent #nail art #painting #kiki's delivery service #grief #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery

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cocklessboy · 1 year

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Insomnia & Chronic Pain

Following is a description of a typical night for me. I’ve been sleeping less and less lately and it’s getting to a point where I feel like I can hardly go on. My psychiatrist is trying to help by prescribing me various sleep aids, but so far none have worked. Last night I tried Circadin (slow-release melatonin) for the first time. Spoilers, but it did not help.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not communicating well to the psychiatrist just how dire the situation is. I don’t express myself well verbally and he doesn’t really respond to emails (often he simply doesn’t read them and I have to tell him what they said at my next appointment) but I know I can describe it in writing in a way that will get through to him, so I’ve written up this long narrative which I will send to him along with a brief explanation that I know it’s long, but I need him to read it, even if he only does so in short bursts and it takes him a while to get through it, because I cannot express how I’m feeling in a face to face conversation.

I know my experiences are far from unique and probably there are other people out there who will relate. So here you go. I hope this text can give someone else the words to describe something, or make them feel less alone. The following contains mentions of chronic pain, surgery complications, insomnia, depression, parental neglect, loneliness, frustrations with doctors, death, and sensory overload. For context, I’m 37, am autistic with ADHD, transmasculine and gay, I have chronic pain from various sources which will be described in the text, I had top surgery 9 months ago which resulted in complications including chronic nerve pain (I still don’t regret the surgery but trying to get help for these complications has been a nightmare), and I’ve had severe insomnia since I was 5 years old. I’ll put most of it behind a cut because this is gonna be a long one:

It's midnight. It's time for bed. Last night I slept for maybe four hours total, and not all at once. I'm so tired I feel like I can't possibly stay awake for another second. Surely I will fall asleep right at my desk if I don't go lie down right now. I take the Circadin (2 mg), which I'm trying for the first time. The packaging says to take it 1-2 hours before sleep. I shut everything down, turn off all the lights except the dim one by the bed, brush my teeth, grab my book, sit in bed to read until I'm ready to sleep.

It doesn't take long. Less than an hour and I can't focus on the words anymore. Put away the book. Turn off the light. Lie down on my right side (the left side hurts too much). The extra bit of skin from my top surgery which is under my arm is uncomfortable. I can feel the way it's pressing into the mattress. There's no position where this doesn't happen.

My stomach. Nothing can touch my stomach. For maybe two years now, I have a constant chronic feeling of bloating in my stomach. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, it's always there. I always have gas. I've grown sensitive to more and more foods over time and now it doesn't matter what I eat. I belch and fart every few minutes but it doesn't bring relief. I used to be embarrassed by this but I'm too far gone to care anymore. I can't hug a stuffed animal to sleep anymore because it presses on my stomach. I can't rest my arms in a comfortable position because they touch my stomach. It's not pain, just strong discomfort, that feeling of bloating and pressure when I touch it. When I move away, relief. But no matter where I put my arms, the pressure is still there, especially if I'm lying on my right side. I have to lie on my right side now. Even just the feeling of my t-shirt on the skin causes discomfort. I keep trying to pull my shirt away so it doesn't touch. It keeps falling back.

Trams are passing by outside. Brakes squeaking as they stop, then start moving again. All night long.

My jaw. There's no comfortable position for my jaw. It didn't grow properly on one side when I was a child and it doesn't fit into the joint correctly now. I've had constant pain and inflammation in the joint since I was a teenager and it gets worse the older I get. A dentist said I should get surgery for it - they break your jaw, insert an extender to make it the right size, wire your jaw shut, you eat through a straw for months. Fuck no. After what happened in my last surgery, all the complications I got, I am absolutely not risking that. It hurts now, but it could be worse, I know it could. I keep moving my jaw around trying to find a comfortable position. Right here it pulls on the left side, there it pulls on the right. If I put it just there it doesn't really hurt but as soon as I relax it falls in such a way that it cuts off my breathing and I wake up gasping for air. I try propping it up with part of the pillow. There's some relief, but after a few minutes, my neck starts to feel sore. I move the pillow back. It hurts. It never stops hurting.

My stomach is upset. My chest hurts. My eyes, my head, they burn. They burn and throb from never sleeping.

I roll over onto my left side. Instant stabbing pain in my chest. Like a knife. Like my chest is covered in tiny papercuts that won't heal. The doctor says the surgeon must have hit a nerve during the surgery. She says I need to find a plastic surgeon to try to fix it but I haven’t been able to find a trustworthy trans-friendly plastic surgeon yet. I roll onto my back.

Some relief. The jaw doesn't hurt so much in this position. The chest doesn't hurt too badly. But it's hard to breathe. It takes effort to keep my throat open when I'm lying on my back even when I'm wide awake and as soon as I start to doze off, I wake back up choking and gasping for air again. I roll back onto my right side. It hurts.

Trams are going by outside.

I check the phone. It's 2:00. I shout in frustration. I immediately feel guilty. I can hear the neighbors fighting and shouting at each other all day, they can surely hear me crying out in pain in the middle of the night. I cry for a while. How can I possibly still be awake? I feel like I can't possibly remain conscious for another second. But it's impossible to sleep through this pain.

My skin itches. Head to toe, my whole body. Itches and burns. I feel like someone has rubbed me down with stinging nettles. I scratch at my skin. I shout in frustration again. If I scratch at the skin enough, it starts to hurt instead of itching. I can deal with pain easier than itching. I keep scratching.

My jaw hurts. My stomach is upset. My chest hurts. My neck hurts. Trams are going by outside. It's 3:00.

I start to taste stomach acid. It's been too long since I last ate. When my stomach is empty, I get acid reflux. I can't sleep on an empty stomach. I can’t lie here any longer anyway. I get up. I open a bag of chips in the dark kitchen and eat a handful. I have some water, go to the bathroom. The cat is following me around, confused, concerned. Are we getting up? Is it time to play? I return to my bed but I don't lie down. I stand next to it. I stare at it. The cat rubs on my leg. I'm so tired. I'm so tired I can't possibly still be awake. I sway back and forth. My eyes are swimming, vision blurry. The Circadin will be wearing off soon, if it hasn't already. I'm plenty sleepy, but the pain. The itching. The bloating in my stomach.

I sit on the mattress but I don't lie down yet. Lying down will hurt. I wonder if I can fall asleep just sitting up, leaning forward over my legs. My stomach feels the pressure.

I prop up some pillows so I can lie on my back while still partially sitting up. There is some relief. The pain is less in this position. I still can't breathe very well. After several minutes like this, my knees start to scream in agony. My knees always hurt if I have my legs out straight for too long. It puts just enough pressure on the knees to make them sore. I still don't know what's wrong with my knees. They’ve hurt like this for 8 years. The orthopedist said it’s probably the extensor muscles and I should just keep doing exercises and stretches until it gets better. It’s been weeks since he said that. It’s not getting better. The pain is unbearable.

I roll onto my right side, still sitting up. I know this is bad for my back and neck but I'm far past caring. Just some sleep. Just let me sleep. I'll deal with the fucked up neck and back tomorrow. Just. Just let me sleep.

My chest hurts. My stomach. My knees. My jaw. My neck. My skin is still on fire. I cry for a while. Trams are going by outside.

I hear myself speaking. I don't mean to but I'm delirious with exhaustion. I'm saying Please, and Help, and Please, and Make It Stop, and I'll Do Anything. Please. I'm still crying. I feel like a whiny little baby.

I'm getting dehydrated. I sit up and drink some water. I check the time. It's 4:00. I cry even harder. I start sobbing like a small child. I feel like I instinctively want to call out for my mother, but my mother is a monster incapable of love. I try to remember a time when she hugged me, but I don't think she ever did. I reflect for a moment over my life. No one has ever held me and told me it was going to be okay. There is no one for me to call out for. No really close friends. No partner. No family. I don't even have anyone to fantasize about being there for me, let alone anyone to ask for help. No one to talk to. No one who cares. I think, maybe I'm dying. Maybe this is what dying feels like. You fight and you struggle and you hold on as long as you can, but your body and mind gradually break down. It's like doing push-ups. Every day is like another push-up. Each one is more difficult than the last. And no matter how hard you fight, eventually you will lower yourself down for the next push-up and your arms will simply refuse to lift you back up. You can try and try and try but there is no strength left and eventually you will collapse and smack your face on the mat. Willpower can only take you so far. How many days do I have left before my entire mind and body collapse and refuse to let me get up again?

I have so much work to do tomorrow. So many deadlines. I am a freelancer. There is no sick time. No days off. No holidays. No weekends. If I don't do all my work I won't be able to afford the newly-increased rent, the recently-tripled gas prices, the nearly-doubled cost of food. I have to work or I'll die. I have no one to help me if I can't work anymore.

I decide in my sleep-deprived state to simply invent someone who loves me. 37 is a perfectly good age to be inventing new imaginary friends, right? There, I have a boyfriend now. He's very sweet and kind and he thinks I'm amazing and he loves my cooking and he reassures me that I'm not weak, I'm not pathetic, I'm not broken, I'm just struggling against something most people could never imagine, devoting half my energy to surviving it, the other half to hiding it so that I don't become so miserable that no one wants to be around me. I'm not a burden, I'm a god damned superhero, actually. Thank you, imaginary boyfriend. I needed to hear that.

I'm not going insane, I'm ill. And if I really can't work, they have social security for that, right? How does the disability system work here? I know in the US I wouldn't be able to get any help but maybe it's different here. Maybe I can get a little help.

Maybe I'm already dead. Maybe the christians were right and this is hell. Eternally exhausted, eternally in pain, never able to sleep, never given the slightest relief. Sounds like the literal definition of hell.

I'm lying in bed again, tossing turning, desperate for a position where I can fall unconscious. It's getting worse instead of better. The stress and the exhaustion are making my hypersensitivity even worse. Every sensation is amplified. My tinnitus is getting louder and louder. High-pitched ringing in my ears. It's been ten years since I experienced silence. It hurts. Add it to the list. Everything hurts. Pain relief. What can I take for pain relief? Ibuprofen and paracetamol do nothing. I have all those other NSAIDs doctors have given me which do nothing. I still have some tramadol from after the surgery but it's too much. Slow-release tablets that keep the drug in your system all day. That shit interacts with everything as well. Not safe to take without careful planning. Anyway I have to save that for genuine emergencies. I can't get any more of it. I made the mistake of asking once. Asking my doctor, can I please just get some low-dose tramadol to have on hand for emergencies? I won't take it too often, I'm very careful about addictive drugs, but if I don't have some way to occasionally get some relief from the pain I feel like I'm going to die. She laughed at me, scoffed at the very idea of using painkillers for severe chronic pain. We don't do that, she said. We don't prescribe those except for surgery. They have side effects, you see. They can be dangerous.

Thanks, doc. Sure, much better to protect me from the very dangerous medication specifically designed to give people like me relief from the extreme hell I'm living through right now. Much better to just leave me like this. Definitely letting me be in constant pain and stress and never sleeping is far better for my health than letting me have a low dose of tramadol once every week or two. Thanks for making a note on my file that I asked for opiates as a warning to any other doctors that I might be drug-seeking (unlike all your other patients, who come to you hoping for a pat on the head and a few words of encouragement, not medicine). Thanks so much. Now I can die of a stroke when I'm 40 like god intended. No risk of opiate addiction that way.

Maybe I'm already dead. Do I want to be dead? I hear myself say, I Don't Want To Be Alive Anymore. But I don't want to die, either. I'm terrified of death. Life is so short, so finite, and I have so much left to do. I just want to be allowed to really be alive.

It's 5:00.

Fuck it. I get up. I have another handful of chips to quiet my grumbling stomach, and a big swig of rum. Two swigs, right from the bottle. It will irritate my acid reflux but alcohol is the only thing I have that will actually dull the pain enough that I might be able to sleep. I'm furious. I stand in the kitchen waiting to digest it before I try lying back down to minimize the reflux. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of alcohol being my only option. For a moment, my thoughts hazy and my vision swirling, I wonder how difficult it would be to find heroin in Prague. I remember, vaguely, a former addict I used to know telling me he moved here from London specifically because heroin is hard to find here, so he couldn't relapse. He wound up addicted to benzodiazepines instead.

Thanks for keeping me away from that terrifying, dangerous tramadol, doc. Now I get to explore all my other options, like trying to find illegal drugs to kill the pain, or pickling my liver with alcohol.

I have loads of benzodiazepines. Plenty of clonazepam. Those are incredibly easy to get. Any doctor will give you those. One doctor told me to take five of them a day for anxiety and insomnia. Thank god they protect me from the very dangerous opiates. Nothing dangerous about telling someone to take benzos five times a day, no sir. Nothing addictive about that. No side effects there. Nope.

Fortunately I know very well how dangerous they actually are. I ignored the doctor’s instructions, consulted a pharmacist friend, and determined that it’s fine to take them as needed on occasion, but I should avoid taking them often enough that I build up a tolerance. When was the last time I took those? Has it been long enough that I can safely take one again?

The last time was a little over a week ago. I took one to calm myself down enough to do my testosterone injection. I'm not afraid of the pain but something in my brain, some primitive self-defense mechanism, freaks out and stops me every time I'm about to insert the needle into my leg. I usually waste 2 hours sitting here trying and failing to do it, but with the pill it only took half an hour and I was done.

So it's been over a week. Not as long as I like to wait, I'd prefer to wait 2 weeks at least, but long enough that it shouldn't be a problem. But not tonight. This morning, really. It's too late now. If I take it, by the time it kicks in the sun will be coming up. I've already missed my chance for sleep tonight. Tomorrow. I'll take it tomorrow instead of the Circadin. I know that the clonazepam works. Why can't they make something like that which isn't addictive? Why can't there be something like that, which always works, which I can just take every day?

Well there isn't, apparently. That's just the way it is. I'm not allowed comfort or rest. Those things are not for me. The cat is pawing at my leg, asking me to play.

The alcohol has kicked in now. My skin feels less itchy. The pain is still there but it's not as sharp. It's nearly 6:00. I lie in bed, on my right side. I hear someone's alarm clock going off elsewhere in the building. I hear people getting up and moving around. Trams going by outside. Somehow, eventually, I fall asleep. I dream about a hospital where the walls are crumbling all around me, and video games, and the one real friend I ever had who sent me a message half a year ago informing me that his girlfriend was making him choose between their relationship and our friendship, and he was choosing his relationship, and I was to respect his decision and never try to contact him again.

When the cat wakes me up at 9:00 demanding breakfast (by clawing at everything around me until the sound is too unbearable to ignore) I cry some more as I get up to feed him. The neighbors are fighting on the other side of the wall. The floor is vibrating from their footsteps. Everything hurts. Trams are going by outside. The cat, finished with his breakfast, crawls into bed with me and curls up, purring, warm, soft. I manage to drift back into my dreams for one more hour before the alarm goes off.

What’s the opposite of suicide? I Don’t Want To Be Dead Anymore.

#insomnia #chronic pain #actually autistic #actually adhd #disability #transgender #transmasc #queer #long post

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