#i'm just really appreciative of everyone who likes and comments on my stuff!! and i worry i can come across a bit overbearing sometimes whe

[peachesandcreames]

What Are We, Part 5

A/N : MINORS ARE STRICTLY FORBODEN 🚫 all mistakes are solely my own. Feedback is always appreciated. I hope that you guys enjoy! No trigger warnings that I can think of but enter at your own risk 😉. Hearts, likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated by me. Happy reading, everyone! 💕💞

Phoenix pulled into the half empty parking lot of the hospital just as the sun was peeking above the horizon. She parked as close as she could to the main entrance and took a deep breath as she took off her seat belt and let her head rest against the seat. She gripped the wheel and felt the exhaustion seeping in. Phoenix heard you waking up and she cracked one eye open and looked over at you. You turned over in your seat and gave your sister a sleepy smile.

You reached across the center console and took her hand in yours. "I've been thinking about the future and I know now what I want to do. With everything that's happened over the last few months I've decided that I'm going to go back to school and become a grief counselor." Phoenix gave your hand a reassuring squeeze and a gentle smile. "You have no idea how happy that makes me."

You both reached for each other at the same time and pulled each other into a hug. You clung to each other for a few minutes and Phoenix pulled away to look at you. "How are you doing? Really?" You paused to give it genuine thought. "Honestly, I don't know. So much has happened in such a short period of time that I think that I'm still processing everything."

Phoenix nodded at you and watched as a nurse in purple scrubs walked in front of your car and into the hospital. "Understandable. I think that you've been put through a lot in a short period of time and I was starting to get worried." You gave her hand another squeeze and opened up the car door and stretched. You looked across the roof of the car at her and you felt bad that you made her worry about you.

"I never meant to make you worry about me.I love you and I'm sorry." Phoenix gave you an impish smile and shrugged her shoulders. "It's all good. I love you and I'm going to go home and get some shut eye. Call me when you're ready to get picked up?"

You nodded as you hugged your sister goodbye and made your way across the parking lot and into the hospital. It was quiet as you looked around, a receptionist was on the phone and typing on her computer. She acknowledged you with a smile and held her finger up. You nodded and saw the gift shop, you went in and browsed around. Grabbing a mini hairbrush, toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant.

You caught a glimpse of yourself as you walked in and you definitely looked like you've been put through the ringer. You greeted the cashier and paid for your stuff asking her where you could find the women's restroom. She put all of your stuff into a bag for you and pointed you in the right direction. You went to freshen up and when you decided that you looked as good as humanly possible given that you pulled yourself together in a hospital bathroom. You made your way back towards the gift shop and bought some gifts for Javy and Jake.

You bought flowers for the both of them and really good gourmet chocolates plus some teddy bears that were dressed up as airplane pilots and you thought close enough, besides they were adorable with their little uniforms and aviators. With your hands full of goodies you finally made your way back towards the receptionist who greeted you with a kind smile. "Hi, I'm Y/N Y/L/N, I'm here to visit Lieutenant Machado and Lieutenant Seresin." She handed you a clipboard and you sat down in the waiting area and began to fill out the paperwork. She took the clipboard from your outstretched hand and gave everything the once over.

She took the papers off of the clipboard and slid them into a manila folder and labeled it with your name and slid it into a slot with other folders. She wrote your name onto a visitor pass and you stuck it to your shirt. "What's your relation to Lieutenant Machado?" You glanced up at her, "we're just friends. He works with my sister."

She nodded and leaned back in her chair. "And Lieutenant Seresin? What about him?" You felt uncomfortable with the 3rd degree but you figured it was just part of her job. A million thoughts raced through your head and you latched onto the one that made the most sense but was difficult to say out loud.

"What are we to each other? Him and I?" She nodded again. "Are you a relative of his?" She asked, taking pity on you.

"God, no. I'm his girlfriend." You felt a natural smile form on your face. It felt good. It felt really right. You are Lieutenant Jacob Seresin's girlfriend and you don't care who knows it.

Her smile kind of faltered and you felt bad for her. You asked her what rooms they were both in and she pointed you in the direction of the elevator. Javy was on the 2nd floor and Jake's on the 3rd. You stopped by Javy's room first, you could hear a tv faintly in the background and you lightly knocked on the closed door. You peeked your head in and saw him lying in the hospital bed.

He looked a little banged up, his arm in a sling and some cuts and bruises but he looked OK. You put the flowers by the window and hoped that they got enough natural light. You gave him the candy and stuffed animal. He reached out with a smile. "Thank you, Y/N. You didn't have to do that."

You smiled back at him and shrugged kinda sheepishly. "I wanted to. It's the least that I can do for you. I just wanted to say thank you and make sure that you're doing OK." You squeezed his hand.

"I'm doing OK. They got me on the good stuff. I don't feel a thing." You both laughed at that and he started to doze off while you sat with him. You got up and pulled the blinds down so that it was semi dark.

You turned the TV down to a low murmur and dimmed the lights. You walked over to him and pulled the blanket up and gently kissed his forehead. You said a prayer of thanks and protection and shut the door behind you and made your way up to the 3rd floor and where Jake was waiting for you. You felt nauseous all of a sudden. You had no idea what kind of condition that Jake was in and it made you feel nervous.

The door was partially open and you silently slipped inside. You gently shut the door and heard it quietly click. You turned around and a silent gasp slipped from your lips and your hand flew to your lips. Jake was lying flat in the hospital bed, hands crossed his chest. He looked so still.

Jake always struck you as someone who was larger than life, full of bravado and swagger. So seeing him like this was a shock to your system. You put the flowers, candy and bear on his bedside table and took your jacket off and set it on the chair, sliding your shoes off and putting them underneath the chair. You padded silently across the room and stood by his bedside. You gently took his big hand in yours and brought it to your face.

You kissed his palm and a single tear slide down your cheek, you wiped it away and gently set Jake's hand back by his side. You debated about crawling into bed with him or trying to sleep in the uncomfortable hospital chair. Fatigue ultimately won out and you lifted the blanket and crawled into the bed next to him. You're probably breaking hospital protocol or something but you honestly don't have it in you to care. After everything you just want to be next to him.

You laid your head on his chest and feeling it gently rise and fall, plus hearing his heartbeat solidly below you was like music to your ears. You felt the tears begin to fall and the sobs began to wrack your body. You gently clung to him and you felt his hand move to the back of your head and his long fingers slid through your hair, holding you to him. He gently began to rub the back of your head and you felt the guilt begin to set in. You should be comforting him, not the other way around.

He survived a deadly plane crash and here you are acting like it was you who barely survived, but in a sense you hadn't. You couldn't even begin to imagine how you would survive losing Jake so soon after losing your parents. You took a deep breath and sat up to grab some tissue and Jake's gravely voice asked for water so you quickly got him a cup of ice water and helped him take a sip. "Thank you," he whispered and you shook your head no. "You don't have to thank me for anything."

He nodded and groaned as you helped him lay back down. He squeezed your hand in an attempt to reassure you. You looked at him with worry in your eyes, "are you OK? Do you need me to do anything for you? Call your nurse?"

He shook his head no. "I'm fine, sweetheart. I promise. Just getting comfortable." You let out a sigh of relief and sat down in the chair next to him.

Now it was his turn to look at you with worry in his eyes. "What are you thinking about?" He asked you, inquisitivly. You felt a sheepish smile quirk your lips and you dropped your eyes to the hospital floor. "Hey, look at me. "

You glanced up and locked eyes with Jake. "When I was filling out the hospital information forms, the intake nurse asked me what my relation to you was." You stopped speaking for a second and Jake asked you what your response was. "I told her that I was your girlfriend." You don't know why but you felt incredibly nervous as you held your breath.

A megawatt smile lit up Jake's face and you couldn't help but reciprocate. You leaned down and gently kissed his lips. You lingered for a second and pulled away before the kiss could get too heated. Jake groaned in protest and you couldn't help but grin against his lips. You stood up as you heard a knock on the door.

"Come in," you both said in unison. It was the nurse that you had briefly seen in the parking lot. She smiled at the both of you and made her way across the room and to the foot of Jake's bed and grabbed his chart and started looking it over. She flipped the page over and slightly nodded, "how are you feeling today, Lieutenant?" Jake glanced up at you and you could sense his hesitation.

You locked eyes with Jake briefly and you took pity on him. "You know what? I'm going to go home and shower and get some of my stuff. Do you want me to stop by your place and get you anything?" Jake audibly sighed in relief and he nodded gratefully up at you.

"Thank you, I appreciate that. My keys are over there." You followed Jake's pointed finger and you walked over to a little table in the corner and fished his keys out of his flight suit pocket. You slipped back into your shoes and grabbed your jacket. You made your way back towards Jake and you leaned over to gently kiss his cheek.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours. I love you, Jake." He smiled softly up at you and winked. "I love you too, Y/N." You felt like you were walking on air as you made your way towards the elevator and as you pressed the button you fished your phone out of your purse and you called your sister to come and get you.

As you stepped out into the crisp morning air you closed your eyes and tilted your face up to the sun. You felt it begin to warm you up and you took a deep breath, held it and let it go. For the first time in a long time you felt like yourself again. You felt like you could possibly have it all, the cute ocean bungalow, a relationship with your sister, an exciting new beginning and the possibility of a future with Jake. You felt hopeful for the future and couldn't wait to see what happens next.

~fin~ (for now 😉)

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[novasintheroom]

i'm afraid i'm like a starved dog - one nice comment on some of my fics, and i start following you around hoping for more scraps and to give you some licks on your hand LOL

[valtiere]

Showed my work to family and the response was, well, let's just go with less than enthusiastic... Not unkind, but it left me feeling like a child seeking validation, which is stupid. I'm not, I'm just (apparently) really bad at reading people. I don't pick up on the subtleties so if someone says they like a thing, I share more of it, not realizing that maybe they were just being polite.

Take this blanket (pattern: cosmic cal by Helen Shrimpton), for example . A while back, I gifted it to my mother only for her to immediately give it away. If I'd realized she wouldn't value it, I'd have kept it for myself. And yet still, here I am, trying to share things with people who clearly are not interested. 😒 Am I a hopeful optimist, an idiot or just a slow learner?

Rhetorical question, by the way. This really is just a long winded way of venting into the void and saying, sod it. From now on I'm going to do this stuff for myself. My art. My enjoyment. The way I should have approached it from the start.

Edit: thank you to everyone here who has commented, liked or reblogged my work. It warms my dark and brittle soul to see that people *do* like what I do. I know I'm just bitching here about how the people close to me don't seem to care about it, but I know there are many, many other people who do and that matters to me. I appreciate you all. 💕

[cutielando]

old money ~ george russell

instagram au

synopsis: Y/N and George are everyone's favorite couple, and everyone seems to think they just scream old-money romance

my masterlist

♡♡♡♡♡

liked by lilymhe, landonorris and 2,194,176 others

yourinsta i love life with you 🤍 tagged: georgerussell63

view all 483,957 comments

georgerussell63 i love you

yourinsta i love you more

landonorris why

yourinsta why not

landonorris we're sick of seeing your cute couple photos 😐

yourinsta not my fault

user1 they are so old-money coded i can't- 🥲🥲

user2 Y/N is the definition of perfect, George is so lucky

user3 they're so classy 😩😩

alex_albon looking good

georgerussell63 always mate

user4 will Y/N be at the next Grand Prix?

yourinsta i will ! 🥰

user3 MOTHER IN THE PADDOCK 😩😩

francisca.cgomes i can't wait to see you !!!! 🤍🤍

yourinsta me too!! ❤️

user4 the friendship we didn't know we needed

f1gossippofficial we love seeing you guys! liked by yourinsta

user5 her style is to die for

user4 for real, she is so classy and elegant all the time

user5 and she is so sweet too. i met her at a grand prix a while back and she was so happy just talking to me and stuff. even got george to sign my hat for me, she is so kind

user3 she sounds like such a nice person to be around

user6 would she accept friendship bracelets from us?

yourinsta i do !!! i have a collection at home, bring them to me and we can exchange them !! <3

user6 omg 😭😭😭😭 you just made my day

liked by yourinsta, lewishamilton and 3,913,756 others

georgerussell63 Back to work 💪🏻

view all 832,579 comments

yourinsta ooof, who's this handsome lad? 😩

yourinsta so proud of you

yourinsta i love you ❤️

georgerussell63 i love you too, baby 🤍

user1 not Y/N being just as unhinged as us in the comments

landonorris thank you for sparing us

yourinsta i will hit you 😐

georgerussell63 i'll do it for you, babe

landonorris please don't

oscarpiastri why is Lando so scared of you all of a sudden, George?

yourinsta it's me he should be scared of

oscarpiastri got it

georgerussell63 you heard her

user2 such a good weekend for George ❤️❤️

user3 Y/N was there to be his lucky charm, he did so good 🥹🥹

user4 i want what they have, i need to know what their love feels like🥹😩😩😩

alex_albon did Y/N take these photos?

georgerussell63 she did. why?

alex_albon i was just appreciating the first good photos of yours that i have seen

yourinsta don't be mean alex

user5 Y/N to the defense, we love to see it

landonorris surprised you didn't pose shirtless

georgerussell63 y/n wouldn't let me

yourinsta damn right, those abs are for my eyes only😠

landonorris i didn't need to know that

yourinsta why did you leave a comment then?

landonorris i don't even know anymore

user6 where can i buy myself a George?

yourinsta you'll find them for free in King's Lynn

user6 she responded, i'm gonna cry😭😭😭

liked by yourinsta, yourbff and 94,286 others

f1gossippofficial Fan favorite grid couple, George Russell and Y/N Y/L/N, looking as good as always during the afterparty of the Singapore Grand Prix. tagged: yourinsta and georgerussell63

view all 16,285 comments

user1 they are so old money, i swear😭😩

user2 Y/N is so stunning, George really hit the jackpot with her😩

yourbff gorgeous, my favorite old-money couple

yourinsta not you as well 🙄

user3 existing at the same time as them should be considered a blessing

user2 amen to that

user4 i wonder if the old-money aesthetic comes naturally or something

user5 probably, apparently Y/N actually comes from a very old-school rich family

user4 really? she's really down-to-earth and humble for someone who comes from a rich background

user5 she's always wanted to make a name for herself without using her family's money, apparently

user2 we love an independent queen

liked by yourbff, landonorris and 2,382,470 others

yourinsta little getaway with my love ❤️ tagged: georgerussell63

view all 938,172 comments

georgerussell63 spending time with you is my favorite thing to do🤍

yourinsta i love you🫶🏻

landonorris i thought you were going to stop this

yourinsta just get a life lando 🙄

georgerussell63 i agree with her, mate

francisca.cgomes you two are soooo cute !!!! ❤️❤️

yourinsta not cuter than you and pierre my love !!

georgerussell63 yes, we are. sorry pierregasly

pierregasly in your dreams, brit

user1 they are my roman empire

user2 WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE OMFG 😩😩😩

user3 why can't i have what they have😭😭

alex_albon you two look like you just stepped out of a novel or something

yourinsta thank you alex, that is very kind of you to say

georgerussell63 so we basically look like book characters?

alex_albon yes

yourinsta georgie, it's a good thing, don't worry

georgerussell63 ooh, got it

lilymhe alex won't do this with me :(

yourinsta UNACCEPTABLE !!!

alex_albon you haven't even mentioned anything???????

yourinsta you're supposed to read her mind, alex

alex_albon ...you are both killing me

liked by yourinsta, alex_albon and 3,284,927 others

georgerussell63 kind of seeing where the trend comes from tagged: yourinsta

view all 834,271 comments

yourinsta we're dominating pinterest right now

georgerussell63 as we should

yourinsta that's the attitude babe

alex_albon noooooo, now i can't make fun of you two with this anymore :(

georgerussell63 sucks to suck

alex_albon did y/n tell you to say that?

yourinsta no comment.

user1 they are finally embracing it

mercedesamgf1 we love you two ❤️

yourinsta we love you too, merc admin ❤️

georgerussell63 ❤️

user2 they get classier and classier every time they post ❤️❤️

user3 i want this

francisca.cgomes you two are goals ❤️

yourinsta i love you !! ❤️ liked by francisca.cgomes

yourinsta i love you, sweet boy

georgerussell63 i love you more, my sweet girl

user4 you guys are killing us

formula1wags she is the best wag on the grid, nobody can change my mind

user2 this

user3 facts

user1 she really is

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[dollfacefantasy]

Video Games

pairing: leon kennedy x fem!reader

cw: nsfw (18+), smut, oral (f receiving)

summary: you're playing video games when leon feels a little needy

word count: 1.9k

a/n: hi everyone, i'm back with another piece. thank you so so much to everyone who supported my last post (especially if you reblogged and/or left a comment, hugging you through the screen rn). And if you followed me, hi! happy to have you here :) it means a lot to me, and i hope people find some enjoyment in this post as well. this post has nothing to do with the song video games, but i love lana and wanted to use that picture so idgaf. also, all the games mentioned are ones i really loved when i was younger. i'd love to hear some you guys like if you want to share. again, feedback, likes, follows, and reblogs are appreciated! <3

You were so excited when your parents called you and told you they were bringing by your old Playstation 2 today. They were cleaning out the garage and found the dusty, old box that contained the system and all your favorite games from when you were young. Leon was sitting on the couch, watching you wander around as you spoke into the phone. He had returned from a difficult mission recently and your joyful presence alone made everything seem brighter. He smiled at the ways your eyes lit up when you laughed and recalled old memories. He’d gently reach out and stroke your hip when you’d walk past the sofa, lost in your conversation.

About an hour later, you were rushing out the front door to retrieve your box of nostalgia. Leon trailed behind with his eyes full of love for you. He takes the box of stuff as you briefly talk to your mom and thank her for making the stop. He carries the box back into the house for you. It wasn’t that heavy. You definitely could have done it yourself, but he couldn’t get enough of how that sweet smile would spread across your face when you said thank you and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

The two of you set up the console together in your living room. His strong arms hold the tv at an awkward angle as you snake behind it to plug in the cords in all the different ports. His eyes can’t help but run along your body. He can’t help but notice how your shorts ride up as you bend over or how your back arches while you strain to reach the back of the screen. He’s snapped out of his lustful daze when he hears you say “Got it!” and pull back from behind the tv. He puts the monitor back in place and you hug him from behind, pressing soft kisses to his back while thanking him again for his help.

“It’s nothing, Baby,” he says softly, turning to face you and kissing the top of your head.

You smile up at him before eagerly pulling him to sit on the couch with you. You rifle through your box of old games, pulling out your beaten-up copies of Sly Cooper and Silent Hill. Your eyes sparkle with excitement as you gush to him about your favorite parts and all the fun you used to have playing them with your friends. His heart aches with the love he feels just from hearing you speak with such passion.

“Why don’t you show me some?” he suggests as you continue looking through the box on your lap.

“You want to watch me play video games?” you ask as if it’s the nicest thing you’ve ever heard. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to be bored.”

He laughs slightly like even the idea of being bored while spending time with you was ridiculous. “C’mon, you’re all excited over this stuff, and you’re not gonna play?” he asks, “I’ll be fine. Maybe you can teach me your tricks.”

“Yeah, I’m a real pro,” you joke sarcastically, but your smile remains genuine. You decide on playing Tomb Raider and hop up to put the game in. Again, Leon can’t help how his eyes are drawn to the fabric of your bottoms tightening around your ass as you squat to insert the game. You return to your seat and get comfy against his side with his arms around your shoulder.

You start playing, your smile widening as you hear the familiar music and begin remembering the controls like the last time you played was only yesterday. Leon watches the screen as much as he can, but his real focus is on you. The way your fingers frantically mash at the buttons while fighting an enemy, how you tense and press against him when you think you’re going to die, your half-assed justifications for mistakes you make, blaming the age of the controllers. He loved you so much that his limbs nearly trembled with want for you. Everything about you drove him wild. You smelled so good and your body was so warm nestled against his.

He keeps watching you, and it’s becoming overwhelming, his desire for you. He leans his head down, brushing your hair away, and starts gently kissing the open expanse of your neck. You bite your lip as a knowing smirk rises on your face.

“I knew you’d get bored,” you tease, tilting your head a little to give him more room. He takes the invitation and moves his lips with more intent. 

“I’m not bored. I just need to feel you,” he defends between kisses, “You keep playing.” He adjusts on the couch so he’s lower and has a better angle on your neck. His arm that isn’t around you caresses your stomach slowly.

You try to focus on your game, but it’s difficult when you have his hands and lips coasting over you, his hot breath on your neck. Your own breathing hitches when his hand on your stomach slides up to fondle your tits. Your fingers start feeling useless on the controller, fumbling between buttons as you try to continue playing. His teeth scrape along your neck. It’s the last thing you can take before you make too many mistakes and die. The menu comes up to reload the game and your head falls back against the cushion.

“Leon,” you whine playfully, “You’re making me die.”

“‘M Sorry, Baby,” he mumbles, “Just can’t get enough of you.” He continues kneading your breasts and showering your neck with kisses as you try to survive the level you’re playing. Heat spreads through your body and slick begins collecting between your thighs causing you to squirm a bit. Leon smirks against your skin, sensing the effect he has on you.

He kisses your neck a few more times before he moves his mouth down your arm while easing himself onto the floor. He presses a final tender kiss to your hand gripping the controller before settling on his knees between your legs. You know what’s coming, and it causes your cheeks to tint a soft red. The sight only excites Leon more. His fingers tuck beneath the waistband of your shorts and slip them down. He lifts your lush thighs to rest on his shoulders and pulls you closer so that you're slouching against the cushions.

“Leon, I’m gonna have to start all over again,” you say, your voice softer from your arousal. You try to seem focused, but your attention to the game is waning with each of his touches.

He works his mouth along the smooth skin of your inner thighs before dragging his nose along the cloth covering your center, inhaling you. The scent sends his blood rushing to his cock. He lays a kiss to the fabric as he hums in response. “I’ll make it up to you, Sweetheart. Promise.”

He hooks his finger around your panties and pulls them off. You feel his breath against your wet cunt, the sensation sending a chill through you. You take your lip between your teeth again while keeping your eyes on the television. In your peripheral vision, you can see him staring into you, gazing at you like you’re a work of art. He starts rubbing his thumb up and down your folds slowly, not with enough pressure to give you real pleasure, just the right amount to tease.

“You’re fucking soaked, Angel. Gotta have a taste,” he murmurs before swiping his tongue through your pussy. You let out a short moan at the feeling. Leon wraps his arms around your thighs, keeping you in place as he starts to make out with your cunt. His tongue flattening and dragging against your dripping core, lapping up every drop of you he can.

Your eyes roll back and your fingers spasm on the controller before you put it to the side and grab Leon’s hair. He groans as you tug him closer, his lips wrapping around your clit and sucking. You whimper and buck against his face. He knows all your attention is on him now. Knowing he made you feel so good that you had to focus on him had his pants feeling even tighter. He looks up at you, his eyes clouded with lust and your slick coating his lips. 

“Taste so sweet, Baby,” he breathes, thumbing your clit as he speaks, “Could do this for hours if you let me. Have your pretty pussy cumming over and over.” 

He buries his face back into your cunt and fucks his tongue into you. You gasp and writhe above him. Your head pushes back against the couch cushions. Your thighs start to squeeze around his head, and he loves it. He pushes even deeper, nose bumping your clit as he works. You whine and your hands fly up to cover your face as your cheeks feel hot.

He gives your thigh a quick pinch and pulls back. “No hiding, sweet girl. Wanna see and hear everything you give me.”

You slide your hands down and off of your face. Before you can even think of a response, his tongue is back to flicking against you. You moan a bit louder and your eyes flutter as the band of heat in your belly starts to tighten. Your thighs quiver, and Leon’s grip on you gets stronger as your hips try to shift.

Your chest heaves with your heavy breathing as your hands press into the couch cushions. His eyes are fixed on your face, savoring every sweet noise and expression. Your body shakes harder and you know the finish is near. You look down into his eyes, and the sight of his face buried between your thighs with that intense gaze trained on you almost makes you cum on the spot.

“Fuck, Leon. I’m gonna cum. Can’t hold on,” you whimper, your eyes squeezing shut as your voice breaks into moans.

“Look at me, Baby. Let me see those gorgeous eyes while you explode,” he says before working his tongue with even more dedication. You give him what he wants, looking into his eyes as you reach the peak. You cry out and claw at the couch cushions as you release. Your hips sputter against his face and your thighs clamp around his head. Your eyes stay locked on his, letting him see how he unravels you. You hear him groaning and feel his body rolling a bit as he devours you through your orgasm.

He keeps lapping at your folds as you come down, getting a final taste before he pulls away. He plants one last kiss on your clit before rising up and leaning down to kiss your lips sweetly. You kiss back and softly moan as you taste yourself on his lips. You grab his wrist as you pull back. “Need me to return the favor?’ you say and give him another kiss.

“No, Honey. I’m satisfied, trust me,” he hums and kisses back. You notice the dark spot forming on his pants and your blush returns. The thought that he could feel such pleasure simply from pleasuring you made your stomach flutter. He pulls back from your lips and strokes your bottom lip with his thumb, admiring your features. “I’m gonna change my pants, and then you can show me some more of your game. If you want to,” he says.

You glance back at the tv which had been displaying the reload menu for a while at this point. You give him that smile that he loved so much and nod.

[caffichai]

Food Bank Fundraiser

Hi everyone!

First of all, I want to say thanks to everyone who's been leaving such nice tags/comments on stuff I've posted! It's been really encouraging (o^▽^o)

Anyway, I think we all know it's very dark days on the economic front for many of us. So as such, I'd like to help raise some funds for Food Banks Canada! In exchange for you making a donation to the food bank, I will draw a character suggestion!

I know this is not really the sort of thing I normally do or post here but... many folks are struggling to put food on the table right now, and the food bank is a source of support for many and provides an absolute necessity. I've seen many people struggling in my own city, and food security has become an even bigger issue than it already was in the last couple of years with the food bank struggling to keep up with demand. Of course, food security is an issue across the whole country that's putting a huge strain on food banks, with nearly 5% of the entire population making use of food banks monthly, and 23% of the population reporting food insecurity (CBC, 2024; Global News, 2024). Unsurprisingly, those who are already most disadvantaged suffer the effects of food scarcity even more (Statistics Canada, 2023). To make matters more desperate, Canada's food bank system is on the brink of collapse (CTV News, 2024).

I know this isn't going to something big enough to change the world or anything, but being able to make even a small impact for individual people is important too!

✨Incentives✨

Of course, I'm sure people aren't just in it for a reward, but rewards make things all the sweeter, right?

For those who want to contribute, I'll take a character suggestion and add it to a poll (depending on the number of contributors, it may be split up into multiple polls), and then I'll draw as many as I can from top to bottom ranking! If you contribute, please send me a DM with your donation receipt and your character idea! They won't necessarily all be drawn in the same style, and they'll be done according to how much time I've got. (I know that commissions are probably the biggest incentive, but realistically, I struggle to get them done quickly and they're probably not that affordable to everyone)

If you prefer SFW or NSFW, you can let me know (But NSFW will be posted to Cohost). If you make a bigger contribution, I'll reach out to you and ask if you wanna see more specifics/details in your piece. How's that for sweetening the pie? :3

For those who can't make a donation (which is completely understandable), simply spreading the post is also helpful, and I appreciate that greatly as well!

Don't forget that giving a donation allows you to get a tax break based on the amount donated as well!

Alternatives?

If you'd rather donate to your own local food bank, that's great too! You can DM me and send me a pic of your receipt and I'll still add your suggestion to the poll.

If you REALLY want a commission, you can also DM me and I'll do my best to fulfil it! I won't be taking commissions for this till/if there's at least a couple of items on the poll though. The proceeds will go to my own local food bank. The commission will be done later though, and may take some time to fulfil. I take payment only after starting.

When do we start??

I guess once there's a good number of poll options? I have no idea how long that will be, but rest assured I'll keep you updated!

Where do we contribute?

You can make your donation to Food Banks Canada! They really need it!

Alternatively, you can make a donation to your local food bank or equivalent charity.

Other Questions?

Feel free to send me a message or an ask! I'll get back to you ASAP. If I need to include more details or clarify something, let me know! It's my first time doing this!

TL;DR

I want to help raise money for food banks! Anyone who contributes to Food Banks Canada (or donates to their own local food bank or equivalent charity) can DM me with their receipt and give a character to add to the poll. Poll characters will be drawn in order of their ranking, as many as I can manage, over as long a period of time as I can manage!

No pressure to donate of course, I just figured this would be a fun way of raising a bit of money to help out, and allow us to donate more than what I personally can

Current Contributor Count: 13

Suggested Characters:

Imagine your beloved, obscure or popular character here on this poll list! Oooooooh, how lucrative :3

Total funds raised:

780.36$!!!

[maryleclerc]

𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧

pairing: charles leclerc x reader ; carlos sainz x reader

face-claim: gigi hadid

summary: in which after knowing about reader pregnancy, charles decided to make everything right.

warning: mention of pregnancy, exes!, paparazzi. use google translate,swearing. english is not my native language! does not have any pregnancy experience!

so i’ll made this mini series with 2 ending, one will be reader end with charles and other one will end with carlos (ofc if reader end up with carlos which mean the reason why reader and charles broke up will change too)

more importantly: reader you can suggest any baby girl name too!! or baby boy idk 😩🙏 also suggest some drama and stuff ideas!!

if you wanted to add into taglist please reply or dm me

read part 01

yourusername

Liked by carlossainz55 and others

yourusername With my bestie! @/carlossainz55

View all comments

carlossainz55 Bestieeee

yewenmitle Love their friendship already!!!

roseross How can they be so cute not even trying

⤷ yourusername Born natural 🥸

dailypaparazzi

2,799,678 likes

dailymail Y/n Y/l/n and Carlos Sainz spotted having a cozy dinner in Monaco

View all comments

friendsaddictedd Oooh sound ✨ROMANTIC✨

kiearre She looks serious tho, her face

livinginthedprm Everybody saying Carlos has a crush on Y/n. HE DESERVE TO BE LOVE TOO!! they would be so cute together

f1lovelifeupdates

58,510 likes

f1lovelifeupdates Charles Leclerc has confirmed that he and Megan have broken up a months ago, after 2 months of dating. And he also confirmed that his ex-girlfriend, Y/n, is pregnant with their first child.

View comments

haileylee Ok, I don’t really care about them… all I need to know is Charles know about the baby?

charlessbaby I missed them so much!!!

ppeeeepss Megan, she’s wonderful, pretty and talent how can this happen. I just hope he’s not get back with Y/n

⤷ lovensfw Honey, we know but he’s a grown man so I think it is very important to know what’s ‘responsibility’ mean 😀 also Y/n’s PERFECTLY FINE!!!

yourusername

Liked by charles_leclerc,carlossainz55 and 8,610,350 others

yourusername 👶👩‍🍼💞

Hello everyone!

Recently, there have been photos of me and of course, photos of me pregnant that were unintentionally leaked. And that's also the reason why I spoke up about this, (why do I sound so serious, haha) anyway, it's been a while and it's time to share with you guys.

Since you love me, you deserve me to share your joys with you. Yes, I'm pregnant and my baby is 8 months old!! time flies, since the day I announced that I would take a temporary break for a while because I felt OVERWHELM, that actually was the time I wanted to devote all my time to taking care of myself as well as my baby, prepare to be a mommy. And I am truly grateful to all of you who have sent me kind words and wishes, I truly appreciate it!!

Love you all so much! Also, I still don't know what to name our baby, so I need your suggestions

IT’S A GIRL!! (reader also can suggest a name too!!)

View all comments

lolamckaylee Congrat to you Y/n

_josephinee Who’s the baby daddy?

⤷ ynsqueen It’s Charles Leclerc

⤷ _josephinee Wait I thought he dating someone else, and knock her up?

⤷ johnsongreen HIM AND MEGAN BROKE UP!!

carlossainzstuff_

1,681 likes

carlossainzstuff_ Carlos has mention Y/n on today “We asked Carlos Sainz what F1 fan really want to know” by P1 with Matt & Tommy.

Tommy asked Carlos if he knew that F1 fans were very curious about the relationship between Carlos and Y/n after the photos taken by paparazzi when they spend sometime at Monaco.

TOMMY: Did you know that every F1 fan here wanted to know if you and Y/n are a thing?

CARLOS: We’re bestfriend, bff

TOMMY: But there are also had that one question that has been ask alot that’s “Are having a crush on Y/n?”

CARLOS: It’s really hard to not fall for her, she’s so kind and everything. Everybody love her, how can I not

TOMMY: Yea, It’s true. And you also know that she’s pregnant right?

CARLOS: She look espléndida

View all comments

carloswifee He’s madly in love with her, NOT crushes, just LOVE

yncarlossainzs The way his eyes look at them when they mention of Y/n is wholesome, he talk about her like a proud boyfriend

ferarrilovrs__ Thinking of when they’re really dating, ahh I can’t stop kicking my feet!!

carlossainzsidechick SOMEONE KISS HIM ON THE FOREHEAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!

[ to be continue ]

( taglist ) @janeholt3 @formulas-bitch @celestialams @aundercover

[longing-for-the-past-times]

finding out it's your birthday

task force 141 x reader

synopsis: It's your birthday, but you don't know how to tell your teammates about it

notes: don't really know how to properly describe this, but it's based on this request and my personal experience of having to spend my birthday at work (no, I did not bring them baked goods, just sweets from the shop). Really short, not proofread, no plot.

comments and reblogs are always appreciated🙈

warnings: none

find it on ao3 masterlist

"and now I am dreaming and you're singing at my birthday// and I've never seen you smile so big" - moon song

There were a lot of potential ways you could have spent your birthday, but running through the narrow hallways of the base with a heavy backpack slung over a shoulder definitely hadn't been one of them

You almost crashed into other three operators, including König from KorTac who had the common sense to place his heavy hands on your shoulders in an attempt to steady you before you ran him over in your rush to get to the meeting room

Laswell had advanced the hour the post-mission debriefing was supposed to take place and it ended up clashing with your own schedule, the one day you decided to organise your actions into one and now you were late by almost 5 minutes. Which wouldn't seem like much to some, but being a member of Task Force 141 meant you needed to uphold a certain standard.

But it was your birthday and even if you were 99% sure no one was actually aware of it, you'd spent the morning baking oat cookies and muffins, and carefully packing them into casseroles. You also tried to bring them to the destination with minimal damage, but now you could only hope there was something edible left of the baked goods.

"I'm sorry I'm late!", you meekly excused yourself, taking a seat between Ghost and Soap and blushing slightly when feeling Price's judging glare.

"Anyway, as I was saying when you tried to infiltrate through this crack in the perimeter…"

Slightly tapping your left foot against the floor, you couldn't focus on Laswell's words. What if they didn't like the cookies - you were never able to make them both soft and chewy - or what if the muffins stuck to the muffin liners? Did you put too many chocolate chips in them?

"Y/N? What's your take on this?"

You looked at Price with an alarmed expression, panic bubbling up in your chest upon seeing the questioning looks of the others. You didn't catch the last part of the question - were they asking about your birthday? Laswell must have known, she was the one responsible for all the intelligence after all.

So you did what seemed the most logical thing to do. You opened the backpack and placed the plastic casseroles on the table, unaware that everyone else in the room was literally frozen in place.

"So yeah, it's my birthday today and I made some cookies and muffins and thought it would be nice to share them with you and… that's not what you were talking about, is it?"

Your words trailed as you realised that the timing wasn't as ideal as you planned. At least, now you were sure they hadn't known: Price's eyes were widened comically, and Gaz was repeatedly blinking at you in confusion and disbelief. Soap let out a thunderous laugh as he instantly pulled you into a bear hug and Ghost… you couldn't tell his expression under the mask, but the blank look in his eyes meant he was probably still wrapping his head around it

"How about we forget any of this happened and I do it again after the debrief is over?" A blush spread on your cheeks as you tried to put the casseroles back into the backpack, but you were stopped by Gaz's firm grip.

"Are you kidding? It's your birthday, we should celebrate - go out for drinks and do karaoke and-"

Price and Kate shared a knowing look between themselves and shook their heads in defeat. Before being able to ask them what was the matter, Kate closed the laptop and began to stuff the files back into the manilla folders

"Happy birthday, Y/N! We will resume this tomorrow. And now tell me, what kind of oats did you use for the cookies, plain or instant? My wife's been trying to make them this chewy, but she never seems to get the recipe right."

It was your turn to open your mouth in disbelief when you saw Price joining Kate at the table, securing a casserole of oat cookies just for themselves

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?", he asked in a gentle tone, fishing breadcrumbs from his moustache.

"I… It's not that important, I mean…"

You couldn't help but flinch when someone placed a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it slightly, as if in reassurance. You turned your look to Ghost, who was holding a pink muffin in his gloved hand. His mask was lifted up to his nose, revealing his tight-lipped smile:

"Don't ever say that again, ok? That is all the more reason to celebrate it. You were the one who got us out safe from the bunker after all…"

And you could swear you saw his lips twitching into a smile, a playful glimmer dancing in his eyes as he bit into the cupcake

[pinkyqil]

player: Esmee Brugts

Esmee comforts reader after the game because reader got into a confrontation with an opponent on the pitch during el clasico

Conflict // Esmee brugts

You were never the type to starts arguing with the ref or player's. Yes you've had your moments here and there which would be rare.

but today of all day anthea decided that you would be her target.

you knew it was apart of the job but at some point she kept pushing and fouling you around like some ragdoll and you've had enough and weren't going to be pushed around any longer than enough.

It was like your teammates could read your mind. around half time alexia lucy and Irene came up to you.

after esmee had told them something you couldn't hear sometimes you loved your girlfriend but when she does stuff you don't know about it really gets to you.

"Whatever plan is going on in your little head don't do it just ignore athena it not worth running el classico for yourself". alexia told you which the other's agreed.

"Fine".was all you could get out.

"Don't let her get to you kid you got a brick heart so let's keeping playing like that". Lucy added.

"Thanks guys I'll try". You told them.

After the little chit chat the game had resume and it seemed liked the real madrid coach had told athena something. cause right now all she's been doing was bitching around and talking smack whenever she got close to you.

You ignored her for half the time and tried focusing on the game that would be before. Right now you had the ball as ona passed it to you with a clean pass.

which you got has you were about to kick it in the goal you spotted athena coming your way you quickly dribbled the ball around her. and as you we're kicking it into the goal it got to athena who also seemed to be flying in with the ball and obviously into net along with your goal.

You didn't know to celebrate or just stand there trying to think about how on earth you mange to pull that.

You wanted to get her ass but definitely not like that. before you knew it athena was marching past you and started yelling at you.

you both got into a very heated argument which lead to both teams having to pull there player.

The ref was thankful on your side after giving seeing the bull shit athena has been pulling.she got subbed off and you we're finally being able to enjoy the final moments of el classico.

Once the team had finished celebrating on the pitch everyone made there way to the dressing room.

"Ay amiga the trick you pulled on athena was badass". patri told you

"I wasn't even planning on doing that".

"as if we all know how bad you wanted to get a go at her".

"Yeah but not like that".

"Patri just drop it she's clearly not in the mood". esmee called putting an end to patri teasing she wasn't the type to always speak out as she had a very shy persona.

"lo siento, amiga". She apologized.

"No worries you told her". es you ready to go,you called out to her.

"Yeah let's go". she said grabbing you're hand.

"Bye guys". you both told your teammates before leaving.

"Thanks for your help out there and in the changing room". You told her as you both arrived at your destination.

"No worries there isn't anything I would do for my favorite girl and what patri was right earlier theway you knocked her into the net was badass babe". She told with a bright smile on her face.

"If you say so now let's forget about it and enjoy our dinner at the restaurant".

The rest of the night was filled with a lot of love from esme she made sure to give you extra massages and kisses which made you feel better.

A/n: hope the fic reached your standards,I'm always opened to you guys sending in a player prompt and location or any type of request in general and as always feedbacks and comments are appreciated enjoy reading and hope you have a spectacular day ! 🫶🏾

[sofiareidings]

Drunk Words Are Sober Thoughts

Summary: At the New Year's party at Rossi's you have a little to much to drink and Spencer has to take you home. What will happen when the clock strikes midnight though?

A/N: Stated in the title but I'm also stating it now, this one-shot does mention alcohol. Also, thank you so much for all the love on yesterday's post! I'm going to try and post a story everyday until I start school, (September 6th) once I get back into the rhythm of school I'll try and make a posting schedule.

Word Count: 0.9k

Song Suggestions: Pacific - Sleeping At Last

Rossi had invited the entire team over for a New Years party. It had been a tough year, and everyone needed it. You spent the evening having fun, talking, dancing, and drinking.

Maybe a little too much drinking. It was thirty minutes to midnight and Garcia had finally cut you off. “I love you sweetie, but you’re sticking to water for the rest of the night.” You sighed at her comment and decided the best idea would be to vent about it to someone else.

“…and now she’s only giving me water!” You slumped back in the chair while Spencer just shook his head. He was completely sober that night and could tell how drunk you were. He knew it was time for you to go home. He stood up, putting a hand out for you to grab.

“Come on, it’s time to go home.” Taking his hand you groan and reluctantly grab your stuff while mumbling to yourself about the injustice. Once you got to Spencer’s car you turned on his radio, the first channel was a strange classical music channel and immediately changed. The next channel was counting down to midnight while playing what you assumed was the top 100.

Rossi’s mansion wasn’t far from your apartment complex and Spencer had gotten there in less than ten minutes. “Fifteen minutes till midnight! I wonder who my Near Year’s kiss will be. This next song is…” When the song started you stopped listening and turned to Spencer.

“I don’t want to be alone at midnight, can we stay here until then please?” The sentence came out a lot sadder than you expected. “And then if you’re here at midnight…I can have a New Year’s kiss.”

“Y/N…you’re drunk.” His face was red, you were drunk. He knew that but, the quote, ‘drunk words are sober thoughts.’ was all he could think of. He didn’t want to take advantage of the state you were in and didn’t dare try to make any advances. “We can stay here until midnight.”

“Only ten minutes until midnight folks! Here’s number two on…”

You were at the emotional stage of drunkenness, it was quite evident by the way you cried a little while talking. “You’re so cute, Spence. Whenever you make that little confused face when I talk about pop culture I can’t help but die inside because you look so pretty. Like a lost puppy…and when you wave instead of shaking someone's hand because shaking hands are gross or whatever I just melt. And everytime you wear your glasses I can’t focus on anything other than your cuteness…”

He was blushing hard but was still making sure not to take anything serious. “T-thanks Y/N, I really appreciate that…” His sentence trailed off as he watched your hand grab onto his arm and stay there. The butterflies were going crazy and he knew he needed to get out of here. “Why don’t I take you up to your apartment? I’ll stay till midnight but I want to make sure you make it the full way home.”

“That’s such a good idea, why didn’t I think of it!” You groaned while going to open the car door. The handle was jammed, when Spencer noticed he got out of the car leaving you alone in the car for a second.

“Six minutes until midnight! Here is the last song of the night folks…”

The door opened and there he stood, holding your bag and jacket waiting to take you upstairs. Opening the front door of the building you looked at your phone clock.

“11:57” You stated while he hit the elevator button. While waiting you managed to make your way to the live broadcast of the ball drop in New York.

“We are two minutes and fifteen seconds away from midnight!”

The elevator opened and you hit the button to take you to the third floor.

“Would you look at that, only a minute and twenty seconds left everyone.”

Spencer grabbed your hand and walked you towards your apartment while you listened to the announcer blasting from your phone.

“Thirty seconds!”

A loud countdown started on your phone while Spencer looked for your house key in your bag. You watched him try every key.

“Ten!”

You hear a little click and he starts turning the key.

“Nine!”

The key gets stuck in place.

“Eight!”

He jimmies with the key.

Seven!”

The lock finally opens.

“Six!”

The door opens and you walk in.

“Five!”

You lean against the wall while Spencer shuts the door.

“Four!”

He turns your hallway light on.

“Three!”

You hear the sound of your purse hitting the table.

“Two!”

Spencer walks back over to you, preparing to say goodnight after the countdown.

“One!”

In a moment of drunken boldness you wrap your hands around his neck and press your lips against his. He’s shocked and stumbles back a little, not sure what to do. You can feel his arm wrap around your waist tightly. After a couple seconds you let go and stagger backwards smiling. “Happy New Year’s.”

“Yeah, happy New Year’s…” He’s still in shock but makes sure that you make it to bed before leaving.

‘Drunk words are sober thoughts.’

Walking back down to the parking lot his mind is full of so many different thoughts. He’s not sure how seriously he should take your advances. What if you won’t remember them in the morning? What if it isn’t what you really feel? The final thought, one that had been coming back to him all night.

[heavcnslyre]

chapter three — j.f. ( masterlist )

LOVER, YOU SHOULD’VE COME OVER.

“maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong

but tonight, you're on my mind so, you’ll never know”

taglist: @jellybassett @glowingtree

(authors note PLEASE READ: you guys are the SWEETEST ever omg the amount of love i’ve gotten on this so far is insane. i appreciate, and reread over and over again, every single comment or reblog i get, it genuinely keeps me so motivated to write and i appreciate you guys so so much you have no idea. i haven’t written in forever so i excepted no one to like this fic but so far you guys have proven that to be not true and it brings me so much joy. i plan for this to be long!! idek how many parts i’m just gonna keep writing chapters until the story ends!! i cannot guarantee how often updates will be but i’ll write my ass off as much as i can for a while!! all the love in the world to you guys!!! enjoy!!)

you wake up the next morning with no messages from peter. this, usually wouldn’t be strange since he often slept in later than you, but he didn’t even reply to your message from last night at ten thirty. he never went to bed earlier than two in the morning. a gross, nervous feeling creeps up on you. you try to shake it off, thinking that maybe he just fell asleep early when he hadn’t heard from you. that’s what you would keep telling yourself.

downstairs in the kitchen, steven and jeremiah were sitting on stools at the counter, comparing their cereals. belly was at the table, studying the pancakes she was eating. susannah was cooking more pancakes at the stove. “morning (y/n)!” susannah greets you as you enter the room. jeremiah looks up at you and when you make eye contact, he gives you a forced smile and then looks back down at his cereal. he’d been acting weird since last night, when you told him about peter. it actually sort of made you feel bad, that you didn’t tell him sooner. he was clearly bothered by it or offended about you not telling him. the last thing you wanted to do was make things weird between the two of you, and that’s exactly what you did.

“morning susannah,” you smile at her. “can i have some pancakes?”

“absolutely you can!” she exclaims, flipping a pancake over onto a plate. “give me two minutes and they’ll be ready.”

“thanks susannah,” you say then walk over to sit with belly at the table. she smiles at you, her mouth full of pancakes.

“what are you doing today?” she asks you. you shrug.

“dunno. what were you thinking?”

“you should take me driving,” belly smiles cheekily. you laugh. she always asked to go driving ever since you got your license, but you didn’t mind. she had told you before that she trusted you the most to teach her how to drive without being too judgmental.

“sure, bells,” you say. “you can drive me into town to grab some stuff from the store.”

“bonfire tonight, (y/n),” steven turns to face you. “don’t forget.”

you nod. “would never.”

“can i go?” belly asks, looking between the two of you. steven looks at jeremiah then laughs.

“belly, that’s not really your scene,” steven says. “you’ve never gone before.”

“well i wanna go now,” she looks at you. “please?”

you look at steven, who shakes his head. you shrug. “i don’t know, belly. isn’t tonight usually your movie night?”

“it is,” susannah appears with a plate of pancakes for you. you thank her as she sets them down. “but we could always reschedule if belly wanted to go to a party with her siblings.”

“see?” belly says. “even susannah doesn’t think it’s a bad idea.”

“don’t get me too involved, now,” susannah tucks belly’s hair behind her ear. “i have no opinion on the matter except for i want you to do whatever makes you happiest.”

“i think you should come, belly,” jeremiah speaks up for the first time since you’ve gotten downstairs. everyone turns to look at him and he shrugs. he won’t look at you. “it would be fun if you were there.”

“it’s decided then,” belly says. “i’m going with!”

“better make sure it’s okay with mom first,” steven tells her, but she waves him off, finishing her pancakes and going to rinse off her plate.

“(y/n), i’ll be in the pool. come get me when you’re ready to go!”

“thirty minutes after eating before you can swim!” susannah calls out to her, but belly was already gone. susannah shakes her head, but there’s a smile on that face. “that girl.”

soon enough, you and belly are in the car, her driving you both into town. the music was blasting and the windows were down, hair whipping everywhere, but neither of you cared.

“what do you have to get from town?” belly asks.

“some hair stuff and i wanna go to that one boutique we found last year and see if they have anything cute,” you reply. she grins.

“i completely forgot about that place!”

“me too until i was packing for this trip and found my skirt i got from there last year,” you and belly had always looked around different shops in town, mainly window-shopping and judging the clothes that were sold in those shops. they were so extremely over priced and half of them looked like something your grandmother would wear. that was, until last summer, when you found the most gorgeous hot pink skirt on a sale rack at a new boutique. you could not stop thinking about it after you left, so the next day you and belly went back so that you could buy it. you wore that skirt constantly. the thing you remembered most about it was the way that jeremiah had looked at you the first time you had worn it. he made you feel so special just from one look, so that skirt became a staple piece in your wardrobe after that. when you started dating peter, you stopped wearing the skirt. it was such a small, meaningless idea that he looked at you special when you wore a random skirt, but it meant a lot to you at the same time. enough that it felt like betrayal to pack the skirt to bring to cousins, so you left it at home.

you and belly spend the afternoon at the shops, picking out outfits for each other to try and laughing at the ridiculousness you put each other through. as you’re getting ready to leave, before she starts the car, belly turns to you. “(y/n).”

“what’s up bells?”

“have you noticed anything…different, about conrad?” she sounds hesitant to ask you, and almost whispers his name. you sigh.

“sorta,” you say. “i was talking to jere last night and he told me that things were weird with him. he doesn’t know why, but it’s been months. he quit the football team.”

“what!?” belly exclaims. “no way. he loves football, i thought he was gonna play in college.”

you shrug. “so did everyone. he just changed things out of nowhere. jere said that he won’t ever say anything and pretends nothing is wrong, but he hasn’t really tried talking to him. you know how guys are with each other. talking about stuff like that does not come easy.”

belly nods, staring down at the steering wheel. you touch her arm gently. “hey, maybe you should talk to him.”

“me?”

“yeah bells. he’s happier around you, even if you don’t see it. maybe he’ll talk to you.”

she sighs. “i don’t know (y/n). he seems mad at me. like, every time we’ve talked, he is so different,” she glances over at you. “you know how i feel about him. i just…i hate the thought of losing him.”

“you won’t. i promise you, you won’t. he’ll open up. you sure as hell did not do anything wrong, it’s probably just something small he needs to work through. everything will work itself out.”

belly smiles at you gratefully. “thank you, (y/n). i think i would go crazy without you.”

“that is exactly what a big sister is for.”

she starts the car and begins to drive away. “so, another thing… do you think i should be a debutant?”

“a debutant?” you ask, shocked. “belly, when i was considering it last summer you seemed disgusted.”

“i know,” she sighs. “but susannah asked me to do it…and i know she was bummed when you didn’t do it last year so i just figured….” she trails off, but she didn’t have to finish. susannah had asked you last year to be a deb and you were going to do it, you really were. you even started looking for dresses and planning everything. that was, until jeremiah announced that he had no intention of ever being an escort to the deb ball. it had felt like such an indirect that it completely killed all of your interest in the ball. he was the only person you had even considered asking to be your escort, and he so openly hated the idea of being one, so you figured that was a sign that it wasn’t right for you. if you were honest, you always regretted it.

“you should do it,” you say after a while. “you’re right, it would make susannah happy. and i’m sure you’ll have no problem finding an escort. it’d be a lot of fun to watch.”

“you think so?”

“definitely.”

belly nods, but doesn’t say anything, focusing on the road. you do the same thing, staring forward. part of you still wondered if jeremiah would have been your escort if you had asked. the other part of you hates yourself for thinking that you would be the exception.

later that night, you’re standing and staring at your closet, trying to figure out what to wear to the bonfire. you brought a few dresses and skirts, but suddenly, you hated everything you owned. this bonfire was super fun every year and the best way to start out the summer, so you felt so much pressure to pick out something cute.

“hey,” jeremiah appears in your doorway, ready to go. “you about ready?”

“yeah,” you sigh. “just gotta figure out what to wear.”

“hm,” he thinks for a second, walking towards your closet. “you still have that pink skirt from last summer? that was good.”

you look down. “uh, left it at home.”

“oh,” he says, a hint of disappointment in his voice. then, he clears his throat and turns his back to you, facing your clothes. he looks for a second before grabbing a blue sundress and handing it to you. “here. this is perfect.”

you look at the dress and smile. it was one of your favorite dresses, simple and comfortable but super cute. of course jeremiah would pick out a sundress for you to wear. he always claimed that girls in sundresses were his weakness.

“okay. get out so i can change,” you push him out the door and he laughs as you do, allowing you to close the door in his face. you change quickly and find a pair of sandals to go with the dress, check your hair and makeup one last time, then you went downstairs to meet everyone else. conrad and belly were sitting on opposite sides of the couch, steven in the middle of them (which looked like it was awkward for all three of them), and jeremiah sat in the chair by the couch, staring at his phone. when steven sees you come down, he shoots up from his seat and claps his hands. “alright! let’s get going! jere’s driving, i call shotgun!”

you make eye contact with jeremiah who smiles at you after looking you up and down. you feel yourself blush at his gaze. he always did this to you. you felt so special just by him looking at you. it was stupid, honestly. that’s just how he was.

the five of you pile out of the house and into jeremiah’s car, you, conrad, and belly squished into the back while steven and jeremiah sat in the front seat of the car, singing their hearts out to taylor swifts ‘cruel summer.’ they were insane when it came to her music, but neither of them would ever admit it.

as soon as you arrive at the beach, steven jumps out of the car. he’s halfway to the fire by the time you even open your car door, and conrad and jeremiah are following close behind him, leaving you and belly to walk down on your own. you glance over at belly, who is staring at the group of people on the beach, a nervous look on her face. you throw your arm around her. “it’ll be okay bells. it’s actually fun here, promise. just…don’t talk to anyone weird. or too old. and if you get uncomfortable just come find me. we’ll figure it out.”

she smiles at you gratefully. “thank you, (y/n). i’ll be okay. you go have fun with your friends.”

you squeeze her shoulder gently as your friend nicole waves you over. “love you bells.”

“love you too.”

you hurry over to nicole and hug her tightly. “oh, nicole! it’s so good to see you!”

“it’s so good to see you too!” she exclaims. as you pull away from the hug, she offers you a beer and you take it. “how have you been?”

“so good,” you tell her. “the school year was great and i actually have a boyfriend back home!”

“ohhh!!” nicole squeals. “what’s his name? how long have you been together? tell me everything.”

you fill her in on all of the details of your relationship, with her squealing excitedly at the end of almost every sentence. as soon as you finish talking, you feel a hand on your shoulder, and turn to see your friend shayla. it was your turn to squeal in excitement as you hug her tightly, then nicole does the same.

“shayla! i didn’t know you were coming this early!” nicole exclaims. shayla shrugs.

“yeah, mum and dad decided we’d come now rather than later,” shayla replies. “deb season, you know? they want me to be prepared.”

“oh, don’t remind me,” nicole sighs. “i’m helping as a big sister this year. i don’t know if i’m ready to go through it again.”

shayla laughs. “cant be that bad! at least, that’s what i’m telling myself.”

“do you know who’s gonna escort you?” nicole asks. shayla glances at you quickly.

“well, it’s so early, i don’t know…”

nicole scoffs. “shayla, you are the most prepared and efficient person i know. i know you have someone in mind.”

“well,” shayla gives you an embarrassed smile. “i was kinda thinking i would try to get to know steven more. see if he would escort me.”

both of the girls look at you, waiting for your reaction. usually, you hated when girls had a crush on your brother. at school, girls who did would try to become friends with you to get closer to him, and it was tiring. but this was different. shayla was one of the most kind, incredible people you have ever met. you knew she had no ill intentions. also, steven could use a good influence like her in his life. “that sounds like a great idea, shayla.” you say sincerely. she breathes an obvious sigh of relief.

“i’m so glad you said that,” she says. “i would never wanna pursue something if it meant it would hurt our friendship. no man is worth that.”

you nod. “you’re so right.”

nicole’s eyes drift over your shoulder. “i’m, uh…i’ll be right back.”

without either of you replying, she walks away. you watch her as she walks directly to conrad, who had apparently been by himself in that moment. you and shayla look at each other and laugh.

“she is so down bad for him,” shayla says. you nod.

“painful to watch sometimes.”

shayla laughs again. “well, i’ll see you later too, (y/n). i’m gonna go talk to steven.” you grin at her.

“have fun!”

as soon as she walks away and you’re left on your own, your phone buzzes. you pull it out to see a text from peter. finally. it had only been all day since you’d heard from him.

peter: been busy today babe sorry for not replying

peter: at party rn it’s super fun!

peter: look at this video lol there was a tall ass diving board i jumped in fully clothed

peter: (attachment, one video)

you smile at his messages and click on the video he sent you. it took a moment to load, but once it did, you almost dropped your phone in shock. it wasn’t a video of him jumping off the diving board. it was a video of him making out with a random girl. you watch in pure shock, unable to move. as the video goes on, you realize it wasn’t a random girl. it was cassie, your best friend. you watch the video closely, hoping for any sign that this was some sort of a dare or big joke, but there was nothing. they were just heavily making out, his hands up her shirt and her hands in his hair, and someone just happened to be filming on peter’s phone.

peter: oh shit

you stare at your phone for a full minute after the video ended, unsure what to do next. then, looking at your other hand, you knew. you chugged the rest of your beer, found a cooler, and chugged another one. when you started your third one, you felt a hand on your shoulder. “hey.”

you turn around to see jeremiah standing there, smiling at you. “you having fun?” he asks. you nod, chugging almost half of the new beer in one sip.

“so much fun,” you finish off the third beer and go to grab another one, but jeremiah grabs your hand.

“wait, be careful,” he says. “how many have you had?”

“that was like, my first,” you lie, opening a new beer. “don’t worry, jere. i’ll be fine. just having some fun.”

he stares at you, a concerned look on his face. “(y/n), you never drink like this. what’s going on?”

“nothing!” you say cheerfully. “just trying to start the summer out right,” you look around and see a group of people dancing nearby. you take a sip of your beer and motion towards them. “i’m going to dance.”

“(y/n),” jeremiah calls, but you were already stumbling away from him, towards the people dancing. shayla and steven were in that group, shayla doing more dancing than steven was, but both of them looking like they were having fun nonetheless. shayla grins at you as you approach, grabbing your free hand and spinning you around. you giggle and dance with her for a while, finishing off your beer as you do. you were definitely drunk at this point, which wasn’t hard for you, since you were a lightweight. at things like this, you usually stopped at one beer or seltzer, so you definitely were not used to four. it was good, though. it made you forget about peter and cassie betraying you.

it made you forget until now.

if you were honest, it didn’t surprise you as much as you thought it would. cassie had been the one to introduce you to peter, and she always had a weird connection to him. you almost felt stupid for not seeing this coming sooner. most of all though, you were just angry. angry at peter for leading you on and cheating on you. angry at cassie for supposedly being your best friend and then doing this the second you’re not in town. angry at both of them for ruining the one good thing you had in a long time. as you walk towards the beer cooler again, jeremiah catches up to you and grabs your arm, holding you back. “okay, no. i’m cutting you off, (y/n).”

“let go of me,” you grumble quietly, trying to free yourself from his grip, but he was much stronger than you. he grabbed your other arm so you were forced to face him.

“(y/n), what’s going on with you?”

“nothing!” you yell at him, catching the attention of a few people around you, but you were too far gone to care. “nothings going on with me! i’m just trying to have a good time, okay?”

jeremiah smiles awkwardly at a few people around you, trying to divert the attention away from the two of you. “i know you, (y/n). why are you acting like this? you’re never like this.”

“so what?” you say. “so what if i am?”

a few girls call jeremiah’s name and attempt to wave him over to them, but he ignores them. “come on, we should get you home.”

“i don’t wanna go home,” you say hardly, looking him in the eyes. he looks genuinely concerned for you. somehow, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. “i wanna stay here.”

“(y/n)…” he’s cut off by the sound of police sirens and people yelling and scrambling around to pick up the beer cans and leave quickly. jeremiah swears under his breath and grabs your hand, pulling you away from the beach. “guess you have no choice.”

the two of you run towards his car, following everyone else who was running away from the scene. you look around frantically, but can’t find belly, conrad, or steven. “jere, wait, where’s everyone else?”

jeremiah shakes his head. “i’ll find them in a second. gotta get you to the car.”

“but belly, jere,” you say. “she’s probably scared shitless.”

he shakes his head again. “she found someone to hang out with. i’m sure she’s with him. i’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“but—“

“i’ll find her, (y/n).” he cuts you off. “just please get in the car first.” at this point, he sounds like he’s begging you. you look him in his eyes but have to look away quickly. the desperation in his expression was too painful to look at. you nod.

“okay.”

he squeezes your hand then opens the passenger door for you, allowing you to climb in. “i’ll be right back, okay? stay here.”

and with that, he’s running back towards the beach like he was superman. at that moment, it felt like he was, honestly. running back towards the cops in order to save everyone else. you weren’t sure that you knew many people who would do that. while you’re still alone in the car, you pull out your phone to finally reply to peter, who had texted you again, five times.

peter: (y/n) omg i’m so sorry

peter: wrong video but i swear it’s not what it looks like

peter: we’re both so drunk we were dared to do it and that’s why it was recorded

peter: please (y/n) please we didn’t mean it

peter: please believe me

you: fuck you

and with that, you block his number, and set your phone down. you wonder if you would have that much confidence if you were sober. you wonder if you would believe him if you were sober. it was a good thing that you weren’t, you figured. it was for the best. two months didn’t have to mean much, right? just a silly little mistake you made to date him that ended badly, but it didn’t matter, right? yeah your best friend betrayed you, but no worries, right?

suddenly, you realize that you are crying. sobbing, actually. uncontrollable sobs escape from your lips and you sit in the dark car, alone, sobbing your heart out. how was this fair? what did you do to deserve to lose your best friend and boyfriend all at once? the fact that if he hadn’t accidentally sent you that video then you never would have known made it worse. it made you wonder if this had been going on for a while, and he had just slipped up now. you could not stop crying.

even when the car doors opened and jeremiah slid into the seat next to you, you could not stop crying. he looks at you, shocked. “(y/n)?” he asks softly, unsure. the rest of the car is quiet, but you could feel everyone else’s presence in the backseat. you shake your head.

“i’m… i’m fine,” you say unconvincingly. “i’ll be, i’ll be okay.” you nod at jeremiah, who was staring at you with the same desperation on his face from before. he seems unconvinced, but starts the car, glancing at you again before he drives away. in the dark, he reaches over and grabs your hand, holding it tightly in his. you continue to cry silently for the rest of the ride home, squeezing his hand with both of yours.

[fairuzfan]

Your post about how many people are unknowingly falling for & spreading propaganda... yeah. I typed up a whole spiel of a comment on one of your posts the other day that I ended up deciding not to not actually post because it felt like detailing, but seriously. The amount of well meaning, genuinely anti-zionist people ignorantly sharing zionists' posts because they just don't pick up on the leading undertones is honestly more terrifying than than the amount of actual zionists in some ways.

I'm someone who was born into a doomsday cult, and seeing all these people falling for the exact same blatant (or so i thought lol) recruitment/manipulation tactics I've seen used by them my entire life has absolutely fucking terrifying. These are people who are actively trying to combat zionism, but I guess the general public is so uneducated about propaganda/cult tactics that what immediately reads as blatantly manipulative, misleading bullshit to me just doesn't even register as strange to most people. Not to be repetitive, but seriously: fucking terrifying.

There's so much focus on the way people/groups who want to manipulate you will use language of fear, but in this case especially, people need to realize they will almost always appeal to your compassion before they appeal to your fear.

It's all peace and love and happiness because that's what gets people in the door. You preach (or post) the mushy, happy, fun stuff that makes people feel good to draw them in, and you slowly start peppering in the ideas you actually want to lead them to believe later on once you've got them wanting to believe you.

This also has this added effect of helping the group or person's image. Even the people who you don't manage to draw in will have the impression of you as someone who runs their mouth 24/7 about how you're full of love and want the best for everyone, which is especially useful for when you inevitably want to frame yourself as the victim to demonize the people who will inevitably oppose you. If your first and only exposure to a person is seeing them calling for world peace and universal love, you are much more likely to be inclined to believe they (and by extension their cause) are the sympathetic, loving, peaceful good guys being unjustly targeted.

Sorry for rambling, but like... really. It won't always be something nefarious, of course--the vast majority of the the time, it won't be--but I think we would all be in a much better situation if people took it as a general rule of thumb that you should always be a little suspicious of overly vague talk about peace and love.

You're EXACTLY right. I really appreciate this message, because you put to words a lot of my inherent analysis of arguments and ideas. I like grew up with this rhetoric so it's easy to spot for me, but the way that people speak about "peace" as the overall goal when they're zionist is so blatant to me because there is no material change in the scenario they propose but rather a calmness where Palestinians are ignored.

And picking up on subtext of a lot of messages is something you have to have a muscle for kinda because of how subtle it is. The frightening part is, you're right, that the indoctrination part of zionism is the most harmful part because you appeal to their pathos — their fear, their sense of safety, etc — and you go on down the rabbit hole and slowly start being radicalized and pro-zionism or you might not even be pro-zionism 100% but enjoy... soft zionism as a mutual of mine put it once (if you read this and want to be tagged, lmk). Which soft zionism is the MAIN opinion in many liberal circles btw, its not an uncommon opinion.

I even remember once sharing a post by a zionist because i saw them talk about esims but when i went on their blog a few days later because something rubbed me the wrong way, I noticed their pinned and I was like "oh dam I gotta delete that other post" like that's how often this happens.

Idk, I try to combat this by putting sources or approaching from a standpoint of logical arguments rather than identity-based politics (although, sometimes i think there are some things that people who are a certain identity can be the only true experts on) so that I try to encourage actual engagement with ideas and walking them through thought processes rather than "I'm palestinian so just trust me."

Like even with my one fact checking list, idk if I succeeded but I wanted to emphasize that there are multiple factors you should consider when confronting ANY sort of information and should not blindly trust things. News sources have regularly burned or ignored Palestinians so I know a lot of us are really sensitive to these things, but I don't know! I hope people can engage with ideas more than just surface level thinking in general because it helps everyone when you actually interact with the point of view the other person is providing rather than just blindly trusting/distrusting people.

[malenjoyer]

Hi!

I know right now may not be the best time to say this, but I'm kind of still processing how fast this all happened. As someone who likes to look over artists' past work esp my fav works daily and just suddenly noticed that they're almost all gone: twitter, instagram, and tumblr. It frustrates me that not only has this situation affected you, but how it really takes one selfish and inconsiderate person to ruin everything for others. I truly hope that you can heal from this and maybe we might see those pictures again, but this is just soo much to process. Just love and support for you <33333 🥹🫶😭🫶🫶🫶🫶

Hi. I’ve privated a lot of my work on tumblr and Instagram, so they’re not gone forever. I still have a lot of positive memories with them so I didn’t want to delete them. I wanted to keep all the nice comments and support I’ve gotten over these past few years.. I might unarchive them sometime in the future when I’m more okay with it being looked at. Twitter, I had no choice but to delete it, especially ones with dick, jason, and Peter Parker. My brain freaked out a little bit from seeing evidence of the person saving my art and making fake clip files with them. Logically, I am aware deleting my old art in response is stupid.

But it wasn’t limited to just comic art, it was other interests I had too which was really uncomfortable that someone would go to the extent of pretending they like other stuff I liked. They would also paraphrase tweets I’ve made about my personal life onto their own twitter. That just isn’t okay.

Every interest I’ve ever fallen in love with meant a lot to me. This is probably not publicly known information since I’m relatively private, as a depressed autistic person, a lot of who I am is what I end up liking. My friends and relatives describe me as dressing up like a cartoon character, because everything I like is so visibly obvious. I become utterly consumed in my favorite things. Suddenly, it feels like all of my control was taken away from me. My interests collected over the years were no longer just mine, it was someone else’s because they decided to lie and it was easier to continue lying. I don’t know how much was saved. There was a screenshot of a message with over 8+ of my art works sent excluding the fake files.

I don’t have control over it. The impersonation of my identity and my life experiences.

But I do have control over who gets to see what I put out in the future. I could probably write this better but I’ve rewritten a lot of things within these two days. Rewritten posts over and over so it sounds less aggressive, less hurt, less like I am trying to call for a witch hunt and more just taking extra precautions. I don’t think I have the energy to rewrite this to seem less vulnerable/pathetic.

I want to apologize to everyone who hoped I’d keep my past art public. I know how it feels. I’ve been fans of artists who just blew up their account one day and never came back. I only privated them on tumblr and Instagram. That’s all I can do. Honestly, I’m hoping a part of my brain just forgets some of this happened since depression does come with memory loss.. This post is now too long.. but I hope it gives some insight for what’s happening on my side of the brain. I appreciate all the support so far.

If you see me acting a little weird on twitter, I’m just trying to regain a sense of control over my identity.

[helloalycia]

𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐃𝐌𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐑 [𝐓𝐖𝐎] // 𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐘 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐃

summary: as Lucy Gray begins to spend more time with you, you wonder if it's only because of obligation or if she actually wants to spend time with you.

warning/s: mentions of cheating.

author's note: just wanna say that i really appreciate reading everyone’s thoughts on my stuff, whether it be an anonymous message or a comment on the post! it’s harder to get feedback on tumblr vs. wattpad, so it means a lot when i do! that’s all – hope you like this part 🥰

one / three / masterlist / wattpad

It was sweltering out today, much hotter than usual, and for some insane reason, Y/S/N wanted to spend the day playing in the park with her friends and I. I couldn't exactly deny her cute little face when she asked, so that was how I found myself kicking around a ball with a bunch of ten-year-olds.

I was so focused on not kicking it too hard to hit them by accident that I didn't notice Maude Ivory running into the park and joining the kids' side to play. I looked where she ran from and spotted the rest of the Covey waltzing in, minus Billy Taupe of course. They joined Maude Ivory's side, chatting to the other kids and Y/S/N, as Lucy Gray approached me with an amused smile.

"Why, how cute," she commented, and I finished kicking the ball to one of the kids before glancing at her with a quirked brow.

"What?"

She smiled as she joined my side, nodding to the kids. "Taking Y/S/N out. Playin' with the kids."

"Well, it was either that or have her cooped up inside. And I'm sure she'd be more annoying there," I joked. "Feels kinda pointless though, since it's hotter out here than it is inside."

She chuckled, about to respond, but Y/S/N ran up to me eagerly, interrupting our conversation.

"Y/N, do you have the skipping rope?"

"Hold your horses," I said with a suppressed smile, before kneeling down to dig the skipping rope from my bag.

"Hey, Lucy Gray," she was greeting the singer enthusiastically. "I liked your song the other night!"

Lucy Gray quirked a brow exaggeratedly, hands on her hips. "And what were you doin' out that late to hear me sing, sugar?"

As I stood up, rope in hand, I caught Y/S/N smiling nervously.

"My mummy took me on a walk around town and I heard it from outside the Hob."

"Well, that's no good," Lucy Gray said with a frown. "No performance should be heard like that."

"I'm not allowed inside," Y/S/N said with flushed cheeks. "Mummy and daddy says it's for grown-ups. Like you and Y/N."

Sighing playfully, Lucy Gray said, "I guess it's time to change that, don't you?"

Y/S/N's smile grew into a hopeful one and I glanced at Lucy Gray, wondering what she meant by that.

"We're headin' down to the lake to cool off," she said, this time to me. "You wanna join?"

I opened my mouth, not sure what my answer would've been, but Y/S/N jumped up and down excitedly.

"Yes! Yes! Oh, Y/N, please let's go!"

I blinked. "Erm–"

"Oh, please, please, please," she continued to beg, shaking my arm.

"You gon' say no to that little face, darlin'?" Lucy Gray teased, putting me on the spot.

I gave her a disapproving look, before sighing and giving in to Y/S/N. "I guess we're going to the lake."

Y/S/N grinned and hugged me quickly before looking to Lucy Gray. "Let me just say bye to my friends."

Lucy Gray laughed and nodded, watching her run off to her friends.

"You know you're gonna have to sing for her now, right?" I asked Lucy Gray with amusement, putting the skipping rope back in my bag and grabbing it.

"I'm well aware," she answered. "Though, it'll have to be after a dip in the lake. I could just about melt right now."

And if that statement wasn't accurate then, it was on the walk down to the lake. A much longer walk than I thought, I was already sweating through my shirt, but it didn't seem to bother Y/S/N who was chatting and giggling excitedly with Maude Ivory and Clerk Carmine up ahead. It was a heartwarming sight, though it made me wonder why we were here at all.

Yes, Maude Ivory and Y/S/N were friends, but never close enough that Y/S/N had been invited to hang out with her and the rest of the Covey. And all the same, I'd worked with the lot of them, but had never gotten close enough to them that they'd invite me out also. Lucy Gray invited me, and I hated that it might have just been because of the fact that I'd looked out for her recently. An obligatory friendship, if you will.

"Someone's stuck in their head."

A testament to that statement, I failed to notice Lucy Gray slowing down her walking so she fell into step with me as we walked through the woods.

I smiled a little, though I was definitely still overthinking. And then I decided to just come out with it. "You don't need to do this, y'know."

"And what is it that I'm doin'?" she asked with a stifled smile.

I couldn't look at her as I said, "Feel like you owe me for the past few weeks. Hanging out because of it."

"Are we not friends?" she asked, and when I looked to her, I saw the teasing glint in her eyes. "Can friends not hang out?"

I swallowed hard the longer she held my stare, brown eyes glistening golden in the sunlight. "Well, I– before everything, I just thought– we weren't–"

Oh, gosh, why did she always have me flustered?

She started to laugh, eyes squinting as she did. "I'm only teasin'. But to answer your concerns, I'm not doin' this because I think I owe you. I just always found you interesting, and I suppose it was finally time to see why."

I breathed out through my nose, unsure how to reply, but my face was definitely heating up at her words. Goddamn the pretty girl with the ability to make everything sound so smooth.

After what felt like forever, we finally reached the lake, particularly a spot where there was a dock, a boat and a little cabin. It must have been used regularly by the Covey as it looked well-worn, but it was stunning nonetheless.

It didn't take long for everyone to strip out of their clothes and jump right in, savouring the refreshing cold water of the lake. After helping Y/S/N out of her dress, I jumped out of my trousers and shirt before the two of us jumped in together, splashing everyone and earning both groans and laughter. A smile was fixed on my lips as I looked over Y/S/N, who was swimming to Maude Ivory and splashing her playfully, the two of them giggling like the kids they were.

"Much better out here, right?" Lucy Gray swam from behind me, a grin on her face.

"It is," I agreed, pushing my hair from my eyes. "We've been out here a few times. It's where we learned to swim, though not on this side. I didn't even know this existed."

"Yeah, it's mainly a Covey secret," she said, glancing out at the cabin.

"It's pretty," I said, following her gaze to it. "Thanks for bringing us. But I'll probably forget where it is. It's easy to get lost out here."

"I can teach you the route if you want," she offered.

"You're gonna have to now that you've shown Y/S/N this place," I joked, before looking out at my sister, who was having the time of her life. "She'll never wanna leave."

Lucy Gray laughed, a vibrant melodious sound, as pretty as her singing voice, that sent a flutter of butterflies in my stomach and a fuzzy feeling in my chest.

We swam in the water until the pads of our fingers and toes were shrivelled, playing games and enjoying the coolness against our skin, then we got out and dried off under the sun. I was chatting to Barb Azure and Tam Amber about everything and nothing as Maude Ivory and Clerk Carmine went to pick some herbs.

Meanwhile, Lucy Gray was giving Y/S/N the performance of her life, serenading her with all her favourite songs and making her the most excited I'd ever seen her. Y/S/N was sat cross legged before the brunette, watching her with adoration, like she'd never seen someone so enchanting.

I caught myself glancing over too, unable to look away when Lucy Gray's voice was so rich and captivating, declaring everyone's attention. The Covey were used to it, but I wasn't sure I ever could be. And right now, as she strummed a few chords on her prized guitar, the most beautiful ballad escaping her lips, her curly hair wet but drying, dripping little droplets of water onto her dress... I was certain I was utterly and hopelessly enamoured by her.

Trying very hard to remain present in the conversation with the others, I brought my attention back to them, but not before my eyes caught sight of Maude Ivory and Clerk Carmine pulling at some roots in the distance. Clerk Carmine, in particular, didn't look very happy, and I realised he was a little quieter than usual today.

"Hey, is Clerk Carmine alright?" I asked the others.

Barb Azure followed my gaze before sighing quietly. "Yeah, he just misses Billy Taupe."

I fell quiet, feeling guilty for some reason, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Billy Taupe was his brother, and I couldn't have imagined how difficult this whole situation was for him.

"He shouldn't," Tam Amber said bitterly. "Not after what he did to Lucy Gray. To all of us."

"Yeah, that wasn't very nice, was it?" I mumbled, and they shook their heads in response.

It was awkward, or maybe it was just awkward on my end. They used to come to the lake with him, and now they were here with me. Wasn't I intruding?

"Y/N!" Lucy Gray called to me, as Barb Azure nudged my arm.

I zoned back into reality, looking up and realising Lucy Gray had been calling me a few times, now stood up and waiting.

"Sorry, what?" I said, confused and still a little distracted by all the Billy Taupe talk.

"I said I need a hand getting the fishing pole," she said with a chuckle. "C'mon."

"Right, yeah, sure," I said with a nod, before standing up and dusting my trousers off.

Quickly glancing around, I spotted Y/S/N with Maude Ivory and Clerk Carmine, collecting herbs. Trusting them to it, I followed after Lucy Gray and into the cabin, where she led me to some floorboards that came loose, revealing the fishing rods.

As we kneeled down to get them, she said, "Why the long face?"

"Huh?"

"Back there," she said casually, reaching in for the fishing rods. "What happened? Did someone say something?"

"What? Oh, no, nothing, sorry," I said, realising I needed to get a better grip on my facial expressions.

"No need to be sorry," she said in a way that was lighthearted but didn't feel like it. "I was just worried."

I glanced at her, wondering why she cared about me all of a sudden. Yes, she said we were friends, but was it just that or an obligation? Again, I was getting lost in my head, so I tried to ignore it and instead helped her grab the rods.

We spent the remainder of the afternoon fishing, cooking our catch up over a fire, and then the others took a well-earned nap under the tree in the shade. Only Lucy Gray and I were awake, myself unable to sleep so freely, feeling the need to watch over Y/S/N, and Lucy Gray doodling in her notebook.

"You think a lot," she spoke up, startling me. And when I looked to her with confusion, she said, "You're always stuck in your head, darlin'."

I pursed my lips, shaking my head as if it would clear my thoughts. Billy Taupe came to mind, as did Clerk Carmine's sullen expression, and I couldn't help but ask Lucy Gray, "How have you been lately? Y'know, with the whole Billy Taupe thing?"

She closed her notebook, hands pressing to the top. "As good as can be."

I watched her, anticipating she wasn't finished.

"It was a bet, y'know," she said softly, though not as upset as I thought she would be. "What he did. He wanted to see if he could have the both of us. I don't think she knew, Mayfair, but she ain't sorry about it either."

I frowned, my dislike for Billy Taupe only growing the more I learnt about him. He sounded horrible, and I wondered if he was always like that. Surely not, if Lucy Gray had loved him once upon a time.

"That's awful," was all I could think to say. "I'm sorry."

She shrugged it off, and as much as she played it off like it didn't matter, I knew it did. Even just a little.

"He isn't causing you any trouble, is he?" I asked with a hint of concern. "Him or Mayfair?"

"And what if he is?" she asked right back, a playful smile tugging at her lips.

I shrugged, not picking up on her joke right away. "I don't know... I can try to have a word with him, I suppose."

She laughed softly. "You're too cute."

That's when I realised she was indeed joking, and I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment, looking ahead.

"I appreciate it, but no thank you," she continued, nudging my arm slightly. "You're not to get involved, remember?"

I exhaled quietly, nodding. "Okay. Forget him. What about you?"

"What about me?" she played along, leaning on her knees and looking at me.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, meeting her gaze.

She hummed, looking up in thought. "I was hurtin'. Still am, a little."

I nodded in ackownlgedgment, feeling bad for her. "Do you miss him?"

"For the Covey, yeah," she admitted. "He was family for a while. But not for me." Sucking up a breath, she leaned over her knees and looked out at the lake. "I may have once loved him, but not anymore. And I definitely can't trust him again."

I hummed softly, understanding what she meant. It couldn't have been easy to cut someone off who'd been so close to her and her family.

"Enough about him, anyway," she said, offering a smile my way. "He don't deserve my breath."

I returned her smile, deciding to change the subject. "Right... well, I guess now is the perfect time to thank you for today. For making Y/S/N the happiest I've seen her in a long time."

"She's lovely, and made me just as happy," she retorted nonchalantly.

My smile widened at her kind words, and then hers widened too.

"You have a pretty smile," she complimented.

I blinked, surprised and embarrassed, before mumbling an awkward thank you. She laughed at my dismay, before laying back against the blanket. I did the same, looking up at the sky peacefully.

"Y/N?" she said after a moment of quiet.

"Yeah?" I replied, not tearing my gaze from the lone cloud in the sky.

"I know we said we weren't gonna talk about it, but I'm kind of glad Billy Taupe did what he did."

I furrowed my brows together, confused. "Why?"

She paused, and then admitted, "Because I wouldn't have become better friends with you."

Naturally, a smile curled on my lips, and that familiar flurry of butterflies began making its way into my heart.

A few more weeks passed, and in that time, Lucy Gray was proving to be a great friend, though my crush on her was only growing bigger the more I spent time with her. As well as working together, the Covey would invite me to their place sometimes on our days off, merely just to hang out which was kind of them. It also meant spending more time with Lucy Gray, which wasn't a bad thing.

One evening, they begged me to let Y/S/N come see them perform, so after convincing my mum to bring her to see a few songs, they were both able to join me at work for a little while. I set them up at a nice table in the corner, away from any potential mischief that could occur and also giving them the best view of the stage.

"A drink for you," I said to my mum with a smile, setting down the tray on their table right before the Covey were due to perform. "And some crackers for you, squirt."

Y/S/N was practically shaking her chair as she eagerly awaited Maude Ivory's introduction onstage, and it was adorable to witness.

"Thanks, dear," my mum said, squeezing my hand. "You have time to sit with us?"

I chewed on my lip, glancing around. Everyone seemed to have a drink on them, and even Miles was looking at the stage, waiting for the evening to truly begin.

"I'm sure I can listen to one song," I decided, and Y/S/N grinned before tugging me onto the stool beside her.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder before Maude Ivory walked from between the curtain, approaching the microphone. I'd seen their performances many times and yet it never got old.

"...and it's a special night tonight, because my friend, Y/S/N, is here to hear us perform," Maude Ivory gave a special shout-out to Y/S/N, who was ecstatic.

One by one, as the music built up, the Covey revealed themselves from behind the curtain, eliciting cheers and a round of applause from everyone, including us. It was Maude Ivory's solo first, and a great one at that, and I found my eyes naturally being drawn to Lucy Gray, as they always did, who was watching her with pride in her eyes.

After the song ended, we gave them another round of applause before I knew I had to get up.

"I've gotta work now, but if you need anything let me know," I told my mum, before offering Y/S/N a smile. "Remember, only a few more songs then you've got to go home. It can get rowdy in here when it's late."

"I know, I know," she waved me off, making me roll my eyes playfully.

I got back to work, keeping an eye out on my family and occasionally watching the Covey perform, and it was a wholesome experience. As more latecomers from the mines began to file in, the place was getting pretty packed, and I knew it was time for my family to head off.

"D'you enjoy the show?" I asked Y/S/N when we were all by the door.

She nodded with a grin. "It was amazing, Y/N, thank you!" Then she hugged my mum and added, "Thanks, mummy. Thanks for bringing me."

My mum chuckled as she hugged her back, glancing at me. "It was a fun evening, Y/N. And I'm proud of you. You're working hard, love."

I smiled shyly, appreciating the acknowledgment, and then someone's presence was beside me and I looked up to see the Covey stood there, having left the stage for a moment.

"We just wanted to say thank you for letting Y/S/N watch us perform tonight, Mrs Y/L/N," Maude Ivory said with a respectful nod.

"Yeah, thank you, ma'am," Tam Amber added. "We hope you liked the performance."

My mum chuckled. "Well, aren't you all adorable. It was no worry at all. And you're all very talented, you should be proud of yourselves. It's no wonder Y/N enjoys working here so much."

I felt my face heat up as they looked to me with teasing smiles. After saying our goodbyes to them, my mum left with Y/S/N and the Covey returned to the stage whilst I got back to work. They performed a few more songs before settling on a really cheery one, encouraging everyone in the audience to dance along. It was cute to watch everyone get involved, especially when they managed to hold a tune and still join the crowd, dancing along with them. Maude Ivory was still onstage, taking the lead with her drums and voice, and the Hob was suddenly transformed into a ray of excitement and laughter.

"Aren't you gonna join in?" Lucy Gray's voice made me turn around from a table I was cleaning, and she was standing there with a mischievous smile on her lips.

I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm working, sorry."

She gave me a disapproving look, before calling over to Miles behind the bar. "Miles, can I steal her for a song?"

He glanced at her, then at me, and I gave him a deadly warning look which only made him grin and nod his head.

"She's all yours, Lucy Gray!"

Lucy Gray's smile brightened the room in an instant. "I think you're free now, Y/N."

Before I could protest, she took the rag from my hand and threw it on the table before taking my hand properly and tugging me closer to the audience.

"I'm warning you right now, Lucy Gray, I have two left feet," I said weakly, both my hands growing sweaty as she kept ahold of one and placed the other on her shoulder.

"You'll just have to follow my lead, darlin'," she said with a grin, before suddenly waltzing me around the room at full speed, matching the beat of the song.

I let out a yelp, grip naturally tightening in hers as she manoeuvred us around the others, whisking us into a world that only consisted of my surprise, her melodious laughter, and the stare she wouldn't look away with. After a moment of getting used to it, it became enjoyable, and I began to smile nervously as she spun me around, her eyes sparkling with joy. Never in a million years did I see myself dancing with Lucy Gray, and now I didn't want anything else except that right now.

When the song finally ended, we came to a sudden halt, breathless and laughing, and then the whole room erupted into cheers.

My heart was beating ever so fast, and I knew it wasn't from the dancing.

"Can you take the rubbish outside, Y/N, please?" Miles asked as he finished stacking the chairs. "It's by the back door. Then you can head off."

"Will do," I told him, before heading to the back to do just that, already craving the sweet escape of my bed afterwards.

I grabbed the bag of rubbish before carrying it outside and going to drop it in the giant metal bin next to the Hob. Only, as the lid dropped close, I heard footsteps from behind me and turned around, confused. That was when I spotted Billy Taupe, walking unsteadily towards me and stopping a few feet away.

"Look, Billy Taupe, I'm not in the mood," I told him tiredly.

He laughed, before slurring, "Too tired from spendin' all night with Lucy Gray?"

"What?"

"You didn't think she actually liked you, did you?" he asked with a feigned sympathy.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, not at all fazed by his imagination and jealousy. "I don't know what you're talking about. But I am tired, so–"

He scoffed sharply, cutting me off. "Sure you don't. Why would you have noticed the way she looks at you, or all this time she's been givin' you lately, or the flirty smiles she's sendin' you? Right?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, waiting for him to get to the point so he could leave. "What do you want?"

He shrugged, playing dumb. "I'm just doing my part, dear Y/N! Warnin' you is all!"

I rolled my eyes, patience worn thin, and turned to head back inside, but he said something that stopped me in my tracks, annoyingly enough.

"You're just the next best thing," he told me with a cocky, dazed smile. "A distraction from me. I mean, think about it. When has she ever paid you any attention before? She clung to you as soon as I wasn't in the picture! She needed a replacement for me. You."

I clenched my jaw, glaring at him. "Leave me alone, Billy Taupe, you don't know a damn thing."

He began to laugh again, but I didn't stay to entertain any more of his idiocy as I headed back inside, letting the door slam shut behind me. He was a drunk, jealous fool, and yet I couldn't stop replaying his words over and over in my head. Was there any truth to them? Lucy Gray had never been so close to me before, so what was different now? Was I really just a distraction? A replacement?

Admittedly, Billy Taupe's wish came true and I was distracted by his bold claims, unable to think of anything but. Whenever Lucy Gray hung around me so closely, or teased me in a way that could be perceived as more than platonic, I couldn't help but wonder if it was as Billy Taupe had said.

One evening, after work, I was finishing wiping down the tables when the Covey popped in, presumably to say their goodbyes to Miles and I. But instead, they came to me hopefully.

"We're gonna have ourselves a little bonfire when we head back home," Barb Azure said enthusiastically. "You wanna come?"

I smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, guys, but I have to wait until closing, and by the time I've finished cleaning, it'll be too late. You should go on ahead."

"Aw no, c'mon, Y/N!" Maude Ivory said hopefully. "We can wait!"

I chuckled, appreciating her kindness. "I don't wanna hold you up. Maybe next time."

"I can clean up tonight, Y/N, I don't mind," Miles suddenly chimed in from behind the bar, having heard our conversation. To be fair, we weren't exactly quiet and there was no one else here.

"Really?" I asked, surprised. He'd always been nice to me, but this was a little too much to offer to do.

"'Course," he insisted with a smile, before nodding encouragingly. "Go on, be a kid for the night."

The others cheered in appreciation as I gave him a grateful smile before running over to give him a hug. He was always so lovely to me when he didn't need to be, and I felt like if I ever had an older brother, I'd want it to be him.

"Thanks," I said once more, before grabbing my bag from the back and joining the others. "Okay, I'm ready."

Everybody was buzzing with excitement, both the adrenaline from their performances this evening still coursing through them and the eagerness to make the bonfire pushing them on. They were talking about the evening, myself merely listening in and smiling as they rambled excitedly, before Lucy Gray fell into step with me and nudged my arm slightly.

"How was work tonight?" she asked with a soft smile.

"I'm kinda relieved it finished early to be honest," I admitted with a sigh. "I've been picking up extra shifts and I'm certain my feet will fall off."

She rolled her eyes playfully. "It looked like there was a commotion between you and a customer this evening," she noticed. "What was that all about?"

I tried to rack my brain for memory of what she was talking about, and then I nodded in acknowledgement. "Ah, yes. That happens sometimes. A peacekeeper can't handle his booze and gets all touchy feely. Nothing to worry about. That's why Miles is there."

She frowned. "That's awful. Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, of course," I reassured her with a small smile. "Miles has my back. And it doesn't always happen, honest."

"Still," she mumbled sympathetically, before shaking her head and grabbing my hand. "C'mon, you'll love this."

Goosebumps ran up my arm when she tugged me along to her house when it was in viewing distance. The six of us pulled the bonfire together pretty quickly, with Barb Azure doing the honours of lighting a match and starting the fire. It was cool outside, a usual summer evening in District 12, so the fire provided an additional warmth to an otherwise comforting evening.

We all sat in a circle around it, sitting on whatever chairs they had, all mismatched but well-loved.

"You know what this calls for," Lucy Gray said after a moment of quiet, the lot of us staring into the flames.

I was confused, but one by one they began to grin, and then they all jumped up at once to go and collect their instruments. I laughed when they returned and began to play yet again, though it was different to their usual stuff. Much more mellow, this music created the perfect ambience, and it was easy to see that they were playing for themselves rather than their usual upbeat tunes for an audience. It was refreshing, and oddly intimate.

I could have sat there forever merely watching them, all in sync with one another. Then Maude Ivory was tapping on her drum gently, with Clerk Carmine strumming at his fiddle absentmindedly, the two of them chatting. And Barb Azure was strumming loosely at her bass, Lucy Gray doing the same with her guitar, as they conversed with Tam Amber and I.

We stayed out there for a while, until the small bonfire was almost gone and the others began to get sleepy, heading in for the evening. Before I knew it, only Lucy Gray and I remained, and I knew it was late.

"I should probably go," I said to her when I noticed.

"A shame," she commented, making me roll my eyes playfully, a smile tugging at my lips.

She didn't speak, and when I looked over to her in the chair beside me, she was watching me closely.

"What?" I asked, curious and confused.

She shook her head and looked back to the fire.

"Well, that's not very nice," I said, feigning disappointment.

She cracked a smile, though didn't look my way. "Sorry, I was just thinking."

"And who's stuck in their head now?" I teased, making her smile widen. "Go on, what is it? What's on Lucy Gray Baird's mind so late at night?"

She pressed her lips together, exhaling quietly, and then her eyes found mine, but she wasn't quite meeting my gaze. "You're pretty cute, you know that?"

Certainly not expecting that, my mouth opened slightly, baffled.

She began to laugh quietly, cautious of the others who were asleep. "That's why I didn't say it."

I licked my lips nervously, looking to the fire. "I– never mind."

"I mean it though," she added, and I awkwardly mumbled a thanks in return, face flushing, and not because of the fire.

So trapped in my own nerves, I didn't hear her call my name until she repeated it again.

"Yeah?" I answered, risking looking up at her.

She was already watching me, flames of gold dancing in her brown eyes and catching me off guard. Instead of speaking, she suddenly leaned forward, capturing my bottom lip between hers.

It would have been so easy to fall right into it, the warmth of her skin sending shivers across mine, and the taste of her lips sending my heart into overdrive, but I pulled back suddenly. She tried to chase me down, but I moved back properly, dazed. Wasn't it too soon?

"What is it?" she asked worriedly.

I swallowed hard, unable to meet her eyes. "Lucy Gray–"

"Oh, no," she realised, growing embarrassed. "I read this wrong, didn't I?"

I couldn't think straight, not when my lips were still tingling from the kiss. "What?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Y/N," she said apologetically. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

I shook my head, still in awe. "No, it's just–" I paused, trying to find the right words, and then Billy Taupe's conversation came to mind again. "It's not been long since you and Billy Taupe broke up. I'm not–" Embarrassed, I met her stare. "Whatever you're looking for, I can't be it."

It hurt me to say it, especially when the girl I'd been crushing on for years was finally liking me back. But I didn't want it to happen like this.

Her cheeks dusted pink, made visible by the dying light of the fire, and I immediately felt guilty.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I didn't mean to–"

"You're right," she spoke, upset. "It's not fair on you."

I didn't know what to say, and then she stood up, so I did too.

"I'm sorry again," she said, not looking at me at all. "Goodnight."

Turning, she left me by the fire as she headed inside, and I felt a huge weight pressing on my chest as I left too, both confused and a little hurt with how everything just went down.

Why did things have to be so complicated?

[vilz]

hello obviously there isn't anything i can really do to control this (unfortunately i deleted a bunch of posts BEFORE turning off reblogs on them) but i would prefer that people did not circulate my posts from this blog any more... i appreciate that people are kind to me about my art, but that is just my request i suppose. this blog is unprivated now, and if you'd like to see what is still up you can look at them here. my ask box is also open but i will not be making any art posts here from now on. here is a little preemptive faq:

why did you leave?

i didn't feel comfortable or happy posting on this blog any more!

do you still make art? do you post it somewhere else?

yes. but i've been pulling away from posting very much online, and the things i'm interested in drawing nowadays are generally more private, so i won't be directing anyone there or anything. i don't consider my new blog to be a continuation of this one.

i know your new blog!

that isn't really that surprising since i didn't honestly put great effort into concealing it or anything. we are probably not friends, so i hold no sway over you, but i would still prefer you did not share it or treat me as if i am still "vilz who posts fnaf art". i'm just a whatever blogger who blogs about whatever things. also to be frank i do not think my new blog has anything that interesting for people who followed for the kind of art i used to post here. this is not an invitation to say "it is interesting!".

we are friends!

if we have not been in direct, mutual conversations i highly doubt that. i'm sorry if that hurts anyone's feelings.

why did you delete all your self ship art?

people seem to enjoy my self ship art a lot, which is very flattering, but i don't want people to be looking at them any more. i realize that they are still rebloggable and are still circulating around, which is nobody's fault but my own, but i would prefer they were not shared any more. i can't really do anything about it and i also don't blame anyone for reblogging those posts since it's obviously not something they would know, but yeah.

i saw your art on pinterest!

i did not and do not consent to my works being put on pinterest. the art from "vilz" has not been uploaded by me to any other website besides tumblr. if someone is posting my art from here on a different platform, they are doing so without permission.

i saw you on magma!

i still join magma boards sometimes lol. it's a fun site.

what about your ocs?

they are still my ocs. sometimes i still draw them. currently, i do not have any plans of posting my oc art online ever again. i would prefer that people did not reblog the oc art i have posted to this blog.

what about your fics?

all of my fics are still up on ao3 anonymously. they are: small mercies obscura floriography baying of lambs scrape bitch, bastard, bullshit almost human a dream, recurring countdown i'm very flattered and happy that people have left kind comments on these. thank you very much for reading the words of an amateur and for sharing an experience with me.

are you going to finish your uncompleted fics?

i would really like to say yes, because i care a great deal about aspects of them, but it's looking pretty unlikely. i lost all my files (and my calmlywriter key !!! always save your emails and receipts, everyone!!!) and also it's hard to feel motivated about them now. i guess i will leave this up in the air just to soothe my own feelings but in reality the answer is Probably Not.

are you going to post new fics?

i might, because i've been in a writing mood lately, but please don't expect anything. if i do, they will be anonymous on ao3. i will not post about them here or on any other blog.

i really liked your posts and blog!

thank you. i'm glad that people could feel that way about the things i made and thought about stuff i care about. irregardless, i would prefer that people did not share my old posts from this blog.

i will do it anyway.

i cannot stop you, so there isn't really any point in pleading. i just thought i'd make a little info post for people who are inquiring. after this, there won't be any "posts" from me. if there are relevant questions or messages i might reply to them or just update this post.

thank you for reading and for enjoying my blog. goodbye !!!

[pyschedtrickster]

TADC Ep 2 - Depression and the Meaning of Life

Well, I may or may not be a day late to release of the episode, but I've watched it three times so far and I have some thoughts. Let's get the gritty stuff outta the way.

First of all, The Amazing Digital Circus belongs to @gooseworx and therefore everything I say here is just my personal take on the episode. I could be wrong, talking out my ass, etc. But this episode really spoke to me, so good job Goose.

Secondly, spoilers <3

Third, I think I've written enough that people won't get jumpscared with spoilers. This is gonna be a long read, so bear with me. This post will contain ALL my thoughts on the episode, both meaningful and just silly things I liked.

BUBBLE

So anyone who knows me from Bunnydoll Burrow knows I love Bubble. They're my favorite so far and this episode only cemented that further. They're wonderful comedic relief and even if they don't have any character development (which I don't think they will), I will always love them.

Caine Cares Too Much

While watching this, I was immediately off-put by Caine's reactions, even beginning with him calling Zooble back. He sounds so... dire? I don't know if that was intended to mean something or if it was just to put emphasis on how much Caine cares about his creations. Caine is AI, so world-building is likely his ONLY goal, or his prompt if you will. It wouldn't surprise me if that was why he was so upset by everyone's reactions.

But I can't help but wonder if this will play into his character arc. We understand that Caine is ambiguous right now and there's no real explanation of what his intentions are in the Circus. Something about this just really set me off. It made me feel unsafe in a way as if staying behind would result in danger of some kind. Obviously, it couldn't be that bad, as Zooble did stay behind and turned out fine. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is foreshadowing.

Zoobie

Hilarious. What a solid nickname, I've seen so many headcanons that Zooble would be a stoner in the real world. This only makes it better. They are now Zoobie in my mind.

Pomni's Child Comment

While I'm sure this was just a silly comment to be made, I kinda liked it. Just a little in-show reminder that through all of this, Pomni is a real, grown-ass woman stuck inside some digital Hell. The whole first episode, we see her wallowing and panicking, justifiably so. Finally, we get to see her grow more serious and stable.

Through the episode, we see more of her being a good character and becoming more at terms with her situation. I'll touch on this more soon.

Gangle

My girl CANNOT catch a break. Gangle is such a funny character and so, so sweet. She's level-headed in my opinion, even through her emotions. She seems to have a good grip on the shit happening around her but has a hard time communicating properly because she has a lot of feelings going on. Me too, honey, me too.

Even in the face of violence, danger, and overall shitfuckery, she doesn't shut down. Sure, she cries. But I've cried plenty of times while still holding the fort down. I think I just relate to her.

Lastly, I NEED to know what this means like I need oxygen.

Government Mandated Shipping

I dunno man, I just really liked this. I'm a shipper at heart. I've been writing fanfic since middle school. I saw pure fanfic material when I watched this scene.

Kinger and Raggs

This scene made me smile. It's a cute nod towards how Kinger is the longest-standing character and, according to some lost post of Goose's, Ragatha is the second. Plus, all of episodes one and two, we see her trying so hard to be a rock for Pomni. She tries to include everyone, keep everyone cheerful, and be a stable constant in a realm of chaos; Seeing Kinger recognize how far she's come and using that to bring her back to reason was just so refreshing. Ragatha deserves more appreciation like that: less about what she does for others, and more about what she's done for herself.

Jax's Disappointment

So we don't know much about Jax besides how Goose loves him and says he's an asshole who may or may not be irredeemable. When he started talking about violence and getting excited at the thought, I chalked it up to him being an ass. But it struck me just how much this mattered to Jax in this scene. I have questions, man. But I'm about to go on a wild tangent, so hear me out.

Jax is happy when being destructive. He gets immediately upset when things go well. And in the circus, we can assume that there have been a lot of traumatic, wild things that have occurred. I wonder if the chaos, the violence, is a comfort for Jax because of those traumatic experiences. As a person with trauma, I've learned that there's a funny cycle that I and other traumatized people experience.

We don't like the situations we're in, but when faced with normalcy, it's so much scarier than the damaging situation we come from. So, we run from 'normal' back into the suffocating arms of our traumatizing situations for comfort. Going back to the situation means more trauma, more trauma means a harder time finding peace in a safe, normal environment, which means more trauma... you get the picture.

So am I saying a fictional purple bunny is using violence in a digital realm to cope with the very real topic of trauma? Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am. This is how I cope.

Depression, Finding Your Place, and the Bigger Picture

Now you may be saying, "hey! You skipped over some major scenes to talk about silly stuff! What gives?"

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I had some heavier stuff to address in this episode and wanted to compile it all in one section. So that meant skipping over a scene to bunch it in with other ones. I'll break it down.

Depression

Let me begin with the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression for years now. I've been hospitalized for it and I've had family members struggle with it around me. This heavily influenced how I viewed this episode and specifically this scene.

Gummigoo had a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing the perfect replica of him that is his model. Seeing something like that would shatter your world, and we see that happen to him immediately.

But when Gummigoo talked to Pomni and asked why anything matters, it gave me this really familiar feeling. Thoughts of being nothing, of feeling meaningless, the mere idea of being an obstacle--I've experienced all of these. I'm sure others have. Pomni was right when she said it's normal. Everyone has felt down from time to time.

But what Gummigoo is talking about really hit home with my depression. Thoughts like these, especially when they linger for long, change how you view the world. Everything is tinted blue and desaturated. You feel empty and eventually, so does the world around you. You feel like when the party is over and everyone leaves, you disappear--or you think you should, at least.

"Why are you trying to cheer me up? How does this benefit you at all?"

And it's so, so hard to accept help when feeling like this. Depression is a bitch in the way that it wants you to stay depressed. It feels like everyone around you wants you to feel better because it is a convenience for them. It almost feels transactional if you smile.

But Pomni says it so beautifully; "I guess I just don't want you to feel like you're nothing. I don't want anybody to feel like that."

The way she says it makes me feel like she knows the feeling too, and in reality, she says she does understand in a way how Gummigoo feels. But that? That made it real for me. I don't know why. This whole scene, the entrapment and loneliness despite not actually being alone, just embodied how I've felt for years. What amazing writing.

Finding Your Place

This scene was really the cherry on top of everything I just spoke about. We see that these two understand each other, at least as much as they can. They recognize all of this, it's ridiculous. They're hurtling through space into the unknown, hoping everything works out. They may feel empty, but they're not alone. They've got each other, for better or worse. Maybe they don't know where they belong in this liminal space, but they know where they stand in each other's minds.

And then we get this ending scene. God. Fuck.

I knew that there was obviously something to that dream Pomni had in the beginning, but somehow I didn't expect this to be the conclusion to it. I guess I was too distracted by everything else. So when I got to this shot, I got all warm and teary-eyed.

Pomni finally feels like she's got a pack, a place in this digital circus. When you don't feel mentally alone anymore, there seems to be a weight that's lifted off your shoulders. It doesn't cure the sadness, but at least you know that if you need to be picked up, someone will be there. Depression wants you to be alone, but it just lost that battle. The internet has said it best: A win is a win.

The Bigger Picture

We all know where the end of the road is. How we get there is the mystery. This thought can really make a person feel small, especially when depression comes in to tell you that you in fact are small, according to the chemicals in your brain. But the power of numbers and knowing your place in the world makes facing the unknown a little easier.

I'll be honest, the words are kinda lost on me at this point. Our demise is a really hard topic to broach. I've lost a lot of people, especially some major players in my life (shoutout to the Dead Dads club), and still, I don't understand it all. But the best way I can explain it is through my own experience and how I applied it to this episode.

I had for a long time gone through life trying to prepare and prepare. I played the role of the strong, unaffected individual after being hardened by trauma in childhood. I didn't want to be outwardly emotional, because if I was I would have to admit defeat.

It made me feel weak, especially when my depression would whisper nasty things to me about my self-worth. The bigger picture at that time didn't even exist in my mind. I lived to serve and die. It was no way to live.

Only recently, with time, a couple grippy sock vacays and therapy have I started to form my own, new big picture. At the center of this is my interactions with others. Family, friends, and strangers, all of them are affected by my actions. Even during the days when I feel worthless or alone, I remind myself that even the little things I do have a spiderweb effect. I have worth, more so than serving others or being some obstacle. I can simply walk down the street and perhaps I'll be the person who some kid looks at and hopes to look like when they're older. My existence is so much more than just a give-and-take situation with everyone around me.

It felt like Pomni found her purpose in the circus, and it was more than just playing along until the end. Rather, it was to befriend the people around her who have proved in one way or another way that they care. Abstraction wasn't in vain to them. Lives mattered, and therefore so did Pomni.

In a vast, digital world where chaos looms like a grey cloud, Pomni always mattered. She just had to realize how, and it was much more than being an obstacle or a pawn. And so do we, I think.