#i'm sorry this show just makes me so ANGRY

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

You Call It Madness But I Call It Love

Chapter 18: First Impressions Are Often Correct

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter eighteen of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 11.6K

Warnings: I'm going to rate this one 18+ just to be on the safe side. :) References to sex, Cursing, Angst, Mentions of Death, Blood, Gore, Possessive Soldier Boy, Protective Soldier Boy, Soft Soldier Boy, Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, completely a little OOC. Soldier Boy is really all you need as a warning.

Note: This is told from the Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

A/N: I'm so sorry, I know this has been a long time coming. I work hard, but writer's block works harder tbh.

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It had to be herogasm. You think to yourself with an audible groan looking up at the mid-century house from your position in the tree-line while watching the couples on the back porch writhe against one another.

The three hour drive from your apartment to Vermont had been uneventful and quiet. Every once in a while Ben would whisper something to you and you would half answer, but only because your mind was somewhere else or rather on someone else.

It was on Rosemary. She had stopped trying to text you or call you, and the silence was worse. You had no idea what she was going to do or what she was thinking. It was a miracle that she hadn’t shown up to your apartment and kicked down the front door before you left. You knew she was angry about the whole situation. And the sooner you dealt with the twins the sooner you could go see her.

Of course you still had no idea how you were going to bring up the conversation with Ben and you knew that there was no way he would let you just leave with no explanation to go talk to her.

This is why I hate texting. I should have just gone to see her, I shouldn’t have told her that Ben was back in a text, if anything that's a three drink minimum. Hell, she's probably half way through a second bottle of wine by now. Something that you also had considered several times today. Guess sobriety is going out the window. Shocker.

Ben kept asking you what was wrong, sensing your discomfort on the drive and held your hand tightly between the two of you, but you only shook your head whenever he asked. He thought that you were having second thoughts of going after the twins, but that was the one thing you were sure of. They deserved to pay for what they did, all of your team did. Anger rises beneath your skin like a roaring crowd when you think of all the years Ben spent alone in Russia being tortured and experimented on. Years that you could have stopped if only you'd known, years that he could never get back, memories that wouldn't fade in the next decade or two, and memories that you hoped you could replace by making him feel loved, by holding him close, and allowing yourself to forget the memories that still plagued you when you thought about the past.

But you still didn't know how the hell you were going to tell him about Rosemary. Every moment it felt like the words were going to vomit out of your mouth, but you clamped your jaw shut. You didn’t want to talk about Rosemary in front of Butcher and Hughie, didn’t want to tell Ben like that. What you needed to say about Rosemary and Lou didn’t deserve to be shouted at him or said in haste, you wanted to sit Ben down and tell him, give him time to adjust to the idea. Because you had no idea how he was going to react to the news that he was a dad and a grandfather.

Would he pull away again? Would he run? Would he leave me? Those thoughts kept swirling around your mind like a mixtape. You were scared that by telling him about her would make him go cold like he did the moment you told him you loved him. You remembered the distant look that replaced his smile as soon as you had uttered those three little words.

Little but not simple. Three little words that launched ships and started a hundred wars. Three little words with the power to create and the power to destroy. Three words that Ben had said to you more times than you could count since he came back to you, and three words you wished you never stopped hearing him say, the three words you always wanted him to say to you.

If Ben pushed you away now, you knew that you wouldn't survive it this time, knew that there was no going back. Which made you more fearful about Rosemary's reaction to Ben coming back into your life.

You were afraid that Rosemary would give you an ultimatum and make you choose between her and Lou or Ben. You really hoped that it didn’t come to that. You had just gotten Ben back and you didn’t want to have to pick between him and your family.

Because Ben is family too. You knew that deep down in your bones, even after everything that happened, Ben was your family. He was the only person who knew you inside and out, the only man you’d ever loved and the only person who understood you. You couldn’t turn your back on him and you didn’t want to shut him out. Not when you loved him more than life itself.

Your frown deepens as you continue to watch the people on the back porch while your supe hearing picks up the moans and sounds of the couples inside and the subtle thump of music, new pop songs that you didn't understand and didn't try. You were up with the times, but it didn't mean you had to like what was happening or the new music being produced no matter how hard Rosemary tried to get you to listen to it.

You sigh again, trying to drown out the sounds by focusing on the wind moving through the trees and the birds flitting through the branches overhead, but it wasn’t working. The beautiful day was already ruined by the loud and messy sounds from the inside of the house. 

“Always wanted to bring you to one of these Sweetheart.” Ben glances over at you with a cheeky grin, lowering the binoculars from his eyes, but then he notes your frown. “Then again-“ His hand comes around your waist to pull you into him. “That means I would have had to share you with someone else, and I’d much rather have you all to myself.”

 You can feel his smirk against your ear, but it does little ease your anxiety about Rosemary and the looming conversation you were going to have with Ben when this was over.

Hughie had disappeared a few moments ago to scout out the inside and to find the twins, while Butcher was doing a walk of the perimeter, leaving you and Ben to wait for the all clear. A welcome break, because every few minutes Hughie would play with a Geiger counter and the high pitched creak-like squeak was giving you a headache. Not to mention annoying you. You'd only been able to have a few sips of your coffee this morning after Butcher and Hughie burst into you apartment, but at least your anxiety was picking up the slack.

Because of course it was.

The house in front of you looked innocent enough on the outside, big windows light wood,  but now that you were here, you really didn’t want to go inside. Despite wanting to face the twins, you didn’t want to go inside and be reminded of the one reason why you stayed away from Herogasm.

At least today we aren’t attending it as much as crashing it.

“Why do you think I hated going to Herogasm?” You murmur, frown deepening at you continue to stare at the house.  The memories of the past had an ugly way of crashing down on you and despite not wanting to make Ben feel guilty, keeping them to yourself made you feel worse. Plus you figured he knew when you were lying, because Ben was basically a human lie detector when it came to you.

Ben sighs, his warm breath washing over the side of your face as his arm tightens around your waist to secure you to him. “Sweetheart please look at me.” His voice is comforting, filled with emotion, but you still don't look at him.

“What?” You whisper, mind still a million miles away.

His fingertips come under your chin to turn your face to his. Ben’s green eyes lock with yours, soft and apologetic, familiar in the best way and weird given the fact that he was wearing his uniform. You’d never seen him look so sorry when he was dressed up as Soldier Boy.

“I would have killed any man who tried to touch you, especially after the night we shared together. When Vogelbaum danced with you I wanted to rip his arms off.”  His eyes darken.

You remembered the way he watched Vogelbaum and you dance together at the premiere with the cameras flashing in your eyes, but then the image of Countess plastered to his hip arises. The way she ran her hands up his chest, the way he turned his gaze away from you to stare at her.

“Yes, but see I never killed any woman that touched you-“

Double standard much?

“Well-“

“Countess doesn’t count.” You snap.

Ben’s thumb strokes along your jaw, before his expression softens again. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve apologized-“ You sigh, suddenly guilty. You hadn't meant to snap at him like that, you were on edge because of Rosemary, not because of what Ben did in the past. You were already starting to forgive him for what he did.

“Not for this.” He takes in a deep breath before he pulls you closer to him. “I’m sorry that I made you think I didn’t want you. Because I do. I don't want anyone else, haven't ever wanted anyone else like I want you. I was so stupid. I fucked those other women because I couldn’t handle how I felt about you and I didn’t think that you would ever want me even a fraction of how much I want you-“

“More.” You whisper before you can stop yourself, laying your hand against the front of his suit.

“That is impossible.” Ben smiles faintly.

You toy with the material, plucking it between your fingers. “It’s okay. I understand why you did it. But it was hard to watch you with them.” You try to fight the image of him and Countess again, that is quickly followed by the memories of the many women over the years you’d see Ben with in public and of course the memory of the first and only Herogasm you ever went to, the one you left early because you couldn’t bear to see Ben with anyone else. The same one that you swore you saw Ben watching you just as closely when Noir tried to reach out for you and you walked away.

It’s different now. You think to yourself. Ben said that he’s wanted me this whole time and I believe him. I don’t think he would lie about something like that, not to mention he’s been more open about what he’s feeling.

“I know.” Ben continues to stroke along your jaw. “But I promise it won’t happen ever again.”

“I believe you.” You lock your arms around the back of his neck to hold him closer to you, loving the way his body felt wrapped around you, like he was molded just for you.

“Good.” He leans his forehead against yours for a moment. "Can I kiss you yet?" Ben's words are quiet, barely above a whisper, so low that you know if you didn't have super hearing you'd have missed them.

"You've never been a patient man. In all the years I've known you." You breathe with a smile.

"Maybe I've just never met someone worth waiting for." Ben's nose nudges into the space between you faces, waiting for you to tell him it's okay and you want to. "But you are Sweetheart."

"You've waited forty years."

"You waited longer."

His words make a ball of emotion lodge in the back of your throat, because it meant Ben listened. He heard everything you said to him and he wasn't going to forget, he was going to make this up to you.

It was hard to say no to him, not when he was smiling at you and gazing at you the way you'd always wished him to.

"We both know I'm a bit more patient than you."

"Maybe."

"You know, maybe we should be focusing on something else right now." You smirk, still keeping your lips just as hairsbreadth away from his.

“It's hard to focus on anything else, not when you’re wearing something like that.” Ben purrs, thumbs brushing against you hips in a way that makes your chest tight.

Your smirk deepens “Oh this old thing?”

At the last minute you had chosen to wear the outfit you had picked when you thought you were going to be going to Russia to get Ben, rather than your old supe suit. You didn’t want to be connected with the person you were then, and despite Ben’s want to hold on to Soldier Boy, you were more than happy to let Indigo go.

The outfit was working better than you thought. The tight black tactical pants, combat boots, black leather jacket, and long sleeved leather corseted blouse that was sinched at your waist all perfectly accentuated the curves that your mother tried to hide. When you had walked out of your closet wearing it, Ben’s entire body had gone rigid.

“What?” You’d asked him with an innocent smile standing just a few steps outside your closet, while watching the tension in his shoulders.

“Damn it sweetheart you’re making this hard.” He had responded, clenching his hands into fists at his sides to hold himself back from crossing your bedroom to touch you. It made you smile wider to understand that he was trying to respect the boundaries you made between the two of you.

“What is it that I’m making hard Benjamin?”

“Fuck. Don’t tease me. Nobody likes a tease.”

You’d smirked at him. “Sorry babe you walked right into that one.”

“It’s not fair-“ Ben had growled.

“What’s not fair?”

“You wearing that, biting your fucking lip like that-“

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He’d stalked towards you, eyes dark, causing you to back up until your back hit your pale bedroom wall. His hand had landed next to your head, the other wound around your hip so you could feel the heat of his skin through your clothes.

“You know, two can play at that game Sweetheart.” Ben had murmured, easing his face so close to yours that you could feel his breath against your lips.

“And what game is that?” You’d said it trying to keep your composure, but the dark look in his eyes and the smell of his shampoo was everywhere. Your heart beat had given you away, thudding violently in your chest as if it wanted to break free. It was hard to ignore how much you still wanted him after all these years.

"You know exactly what game." Ben had held your gaze, raising an eyebrow as a confident smirk pulled at his lips. He could hear your heartbeat too, probably could smell how much you wanted him. “But you’re so fucking beautiful I'll let it slide.”

“Huh?” It had been the last thing you thought he was going to say. If anything you’d thought he was going to tease you.

The hand that had been previously on the wall near your head dropped onto your face to gently trace the arch of your brow and the dip of your bottom lip.

“You always have been. I thought I remembered wrong but-" His expression shifted from the seductive smirk into something softer. "Fuck I missed you." Ben had leaned his forehead against yours. "So tease me all you want. I'll wait, because you're worth every second."

Remembering what he said earlier still filled you with an incredible amount of love and made you want to kiss him all the more now. Knowing that he was willing to wait for you to be okay with whatever came next made you fall harder for him. But now you knew that you needed to focus on what you were about to do. And standing here in front of the house, listening to what was going on inside made you sober up, just a little bit…. But not completely.

"Then again I thought those overalls were pretty sexy too." Ben states, staring down at you with a wide smile as the mid-afternoon sun turned his hair into a light brown and found the flecks of gold in his eyes. He looked every bit as handsome as you were accustomed to, so much in fact that it made your heart ache.

"Sure." You roll your eyes. "I think you're the first person in history to say that." Your fingers lightly curl into the strands at the back of his head.

"Maybe. Or maybe you're just the sexiest woman in history."

"Shut up."

Ben's gaze darkens. "Make me, Sweetheart."

Every viable thought except the thought of crashing your lips to his vanishes.

I wonder if they're as soft as I remember. If he still makes that sound when I-

"You two ready?" Butcher interrupts appearing just over Ben's shoulder, but smirking when he sees how close the two of you are. "Or do you love birds need a little alone  time?"

You roll your eyes and let go of Ben's hair, as he loosens his grip on your hips. Stepping back away from him was like having a bucket of cold water drop over you, you missed him and yet he was standing a full sixteen inches away from you.

This is really not good.

"You have the worst fucking timing." Ben moves to pick up his shield, but the playful smirk he'd had a few seconds ago has been replaced with a frown.

You wondered if he was as disappointed as you were.

The wind shifts and you can smell the Temp V in Butcher's veins, hear the steady beat of his heart as it pumps blood through his body, strengthening him, making him feel indestructible. When Butcher and Hughie had injected it at the back of Butcher's car, you couldn't help but be reminded of the day you took V. You had been afraid and when they injected it, you remember the pain, the unspeakable pain that made you scream so loud that Ben heard you from the room he was being kept in, and he broke through the wall to get to you. It was how the scientists learned that Ben had super strength, because he had smashed through solid rock to make sure you were okay.

Butcher shrugs and begins to walk through the trees towards the side door of the house, leaving you and Ben alone.

"You didn't answer my question." He hefts his shield up with a smirk.

He didn't have to explain, you knew he was asking about the kiss. "I'll take a raincheck."

"Hmm." Ben takes a few steps towards the house, before he stops to look back at you. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Huh?"

"In the car, even now. You're kinda quiet." He shrugs.

"I-" You were going to say that you were fine, but you knew that he would clock the lie. "We need to talk about something, but it can wait. This is important too."

Ben's frown deepens, but then he finally sighs. "Alright. Come on you’re lagging behind doll."

"Guess you changed your mind about wanting me here." You snort as you catch up to him.

Ben puts his hand on your wrist, turning you to look at him. "I always want you with me." His hand trails up your arm to finally rest under your chin. Ben smiles, leaning down towards you, but before you can arch up into him, he presses a kiss to your forehead. "I love you." He murmurs into the top of your head.

"I love you too."

And with that, you both follow Butcher into the house hosting the worst event in all of history.

************************************************

I should have brought ear plugs. You cringe as you follow behind Ben and Butcher, weaving through the lower levels of the house. Maybe someone will let me borrow their blindfold. Hopefully there are nose plugs somewhere… well there have been other kinds of plugs but those are a bit big for my nose.

You walk down the staircase after Ben and Butcher who pulled ahead a few moments ago and as you do the sharp sour smell of a chemical wafts in your face, different than the other odors in the house.

What is that?

You round the corner and see Ben up ahead, shrouded in smoke, staring down an attractive muscular black man who for some reason has decided to raise his fists to challenge Ben. Your eyes trace the man's face, recognition pulling at your heart. You knew who he was. The first time you'd seen him he'd only been a boy, made eye contact with you at a funeral you couldn't help but go to, after Ben made a mistake. You'd offered the boy an encouraging smile and left the boy's family an envelope of cash in their mailbox because you couldn't think of anything else to do for them. You knew it couldn't replace who they lost, but you didn't know what else to do. Ben had been upset with himself after, he always was when he lost control. He showed up on your doorstep like he always did, drunk, high, smelling like stale perfume, and fell asleep in your bed after you reassured him the same way you always did.

Now that little boy was grown up and standing in front of you. You see recognition flash in his eyes as he sees you. Of course it does. You didn't look any different and you hadn't worn your supe suit when you went to the funeral.

"Not him." Butcher says to Ben, but Ben doesn't look away from the man.

"Ben." You whisper, reaching out to touch his arm gently.

Ben's eyes flick to yours. The look in Ben's eyes is familiar, predatory, unwilling to back down from a fight. Soldier Boy. You'd seen it countless times before, talked him out of killing people in the past. You hated how quickly you had to slip into your old job, the one that made you feel like a babysitter, but you shake it off.

"He doesn't know what he's doing. Come on. The Twins are upstairs, I can hear them arguing." It was true, you could, but you didn't want this to turn ugly so quickly. Not when the real reason why you were here were currently arguing about toilet cameras. 

His jaw tightens, eyes sliding to the man standing at the other end of the room, before he nods once and motions for you to go ahead of him.

As you continue to move through the house, you fight the shudder that threatens to travel down your spine when you think of how Ben looked moments ago. It was the first time you had seen Soldier Boy since Ben showed up again, and it was the same way you remembered it. You just hoped deep down that Ben really did want to change and that he was adopting the façade of Soldier Boy to get through what came next. You knew that you were going to have to adopt one as well.

"Here." You stop just before the two of you round the corner where the Twins were in the other room. "Let me go first. They might not try to run if I go in before you."

Ben frowns. "I don't want you to-"

"I know, but it'll be better this way."

"Fine."

You walk around the wall and towards the circular room where the Twins are fighting, ignoring the couples on the outskirts that are grinding against one another.

Like Countess, the Twins didn't look good, both were considerably older, rounder, grayer, and more wrinkly than the last time you'd seen them, but they were still the same. Still arguing and still just as annoying as they had been forty years ago.

"I never want to see you again!" Tommy spits at his sister, adjusting the golden robe slung over his shoulders that flaps around him like a cape.

"Oh sure!" Tessa sniffs while puffing on a joint. "Our Westfield mall appearance is next week and nobody is going to come see you without me!"

That must suck to have your powers depend on someone else.

"Wow, mall appearances? Aren't we all getting a bit old for that?" You flash a winning smile as you step down into the room, locking eyes with Tessa.

Both of the twins visibly pale, their hearts speeding up to work overtime, as the stench of adrenaline begins to waft through the air between you. It's almost comical how identical their reactions are to Countess' at seeing you for the first time in forty years. Then again you hoped that you looked better than they did.

Why didn't I try to find out more after Ben "died?" If our entire team had this reaction to seeing me then I would have known the truth and Ben wouldn't have been in a fucking Russian Lab all these years!

Their plan to ensure you not being in Nicaragua had paid off, because not only were you not there, you didn't want anything to do with any of them. And you wished that you had confronted them all those years ago. You knew that you'd live with that guilt for a long time, but now you allowed your anger at what they all did to Ben, overpower it.

"Y/n-" Tessa stutters.

It was weird to see her at a loss for words. You and all of Payback had listened to her nag Tommy since the moment they joined the team. Judging by what you had walked into, you figured that she hadn't changed at all.

"Hey long time no see!" Tommy fakes enthusiasm while licking his lips nervously, eyes darting to the open doors behind you. You could practically see the escape plan forming in his mind.

"You know, when I found out you guys were living in Vermont I was surprised. I would have thought that you moved down South. They’re probably more accepting of your relationship.” You make air quotes around the word relationship, before shifting your smile into an worried frown. “Oh sorry, are the two of you still pretending that you’re not fucking?”

Tessa’s gaze turns stone cold. “What the fuck do you want?”

“I was in the neighborhood, thought I’d check in.” You look around the room. “You guys have a nice house. Must have budgeted better than Countess did. Her tailer, now that was a shit hole. Must not have done as many mall appearances.”

Tommy’s heart skips a beat at the mention of Countess’s name. “Look y/n-“

“Please. We didn’t have anything against you. We didn’t come after you. Even after all these years we left you alone.” Fear seeps into Tessa’s voice with her plea, eyes wide with worry.

They had reason to be worried, you’d all but admitted to killing Countess.

“Oh sweetie.” You with false sweetness in your tone. “It’s cute that you think you can beg for mercy. That you're deserving of it.” The room begins to shake with the force of your anger as your eyes shift to bright purple. Cracks like thin spiderwebs stretch through the wide windows behind them and through the thick drywall as you lose control, the composure you always held on to drowning in the flood of emotion you feel when you look at the two of them. “Ben told me exactly what happened that day-“

“He lied to you!” Tommy exclaims. “He went crazy! You know how he gets, how he loses control!”

“He lost control and we had to protect ourselves y/n-“ Tessa adds, another lie.

Ben steps into the room beside you, his eyes are focused on the Twins, and if you thought they looked afraid when you showed up, they look near dead when Ben appears.

"You were saying?" You raise an eyebrow.

"Ben! Hey Buddy!." Tommy forces another smile but pales when he realizes Ben just heard him and Tessa try to lie to you. "How are you? Long time. We were just talking to y/n about-“

Ben's eyes narrow, stopping whatever Tommy was going to say about you.

"Nicaragua wasn't our fault!" Tommy says to recover. "Neither was the premiere." His eyes dart to yours, cowering under the purple light that pulses from your irises.

Wow. Just. Wow.

"We swear." Tessa adds.

"Why should we believe you?" You spit.

"Please-"

"Then whose fault was it?" Ben's frown deepens, hand tightening on the shield.

None of the other couples have stopped what they are doing, too enthralled in one another to notice what was going to unfold between the four of you.

"It was Noir!" Tommy shouts desperately, his eyes flitting from Ben to you as if trying to see which one of you will believe him. "He gave Ben to the Russians."

It's almost pathetic watching his mad scramble to protect himself. Apart of you hates that you don't feel guilty for any of this, at least with Countess at the beginning you felt some guilt for hurting her, but with them there was nothing. Not even the prick of remorse, there was only anger.

Ben chuckles under his breath. "We all know that Noir didn't even take a shit without Vought's say so."

"Not to mention his head was so far up Stan's ass it's a wonder that he could breathe." You narrow your eyes at the two of them waiting for them to make a move. They might be cowards, but if you knew the Twins well enough, you knew that they weren't above throwing a bolt of lighting in your direction. And you knew for a fact that electrocution wasn't fun.

"It's the truth!" Tessa shouts above the moans and wet squelch of the people around you. “Please y/n we have children.”

“You're really the worst liar hon. Always have been." You snap, listening to her heartbeat jolt in her chest as she attempts to save herself.

"Please talk Ben out of this, just like you did for Noir-“ Tommy's plea falls on deaf ears, but you knew what he was talking about. The day that you saved Noir's life because he started a fight with Ben over a stupid role in a movie. But this was different, no part of you wanted to save them from this, to save them from what they deserved.

“Noir will get what’s coming to him.” You don't recognize your own voice. "You brought this on yourselves."

But then something shifts in the air, call it a feeling, or an energy current, but something feels wrong.

The music coming from the radio has changed to a Russian pop song, why it's playing you have no idea, all you know is that it does something to Ben.

The sound of his shield hitting the ground rings in your ears and you turn to look at him. His entire body is tensed beneath his suit, sweat dotting along his hairline, red beginning to creep into his cheeks. His eyes are squeezed shut and he shakes his head as if he's trying to clear it.

"Ben? Are you okay?" Your hold on the room vanishes, eyes fading back to their normal color as your worry turns to Ben.

His fists are clenched tightly together as he brings them up to the sides of his head, chest beginning to glow with his new power, the one you'd never seen before, the one that Ben said practically vaporized whatever was in it's path.

Shit.

"Ben. Stay with me, listen to my voice." You touch the sides of his face, begging him to listen to your plea. As much as you wanted the Twins to pay, Ben wasn't just losing control of his powers, this was different. It was almost like he was being dragged somewhere else, somewhere you couldn't follow.

"Everything's okay. I'm here, I'm right here." You soothe, but he continues to glow brighter and brighter and you're directly in the line of fire.

Shit.

Ben's eyes flash open, no longer bright green but an orange-gold that makes fear snag in your ribs like a fishing hook. His hand makes contact with your chest shoving you to the side, out of the way of the beam, but unfortunately through the solid rock wall.

You don't really know what happens next. The world goes black for a few minutes, not like when you die, but just black as everything burns around you when Ben explodes. You're not sure how long you're under, could be minutes, could be hours, all you know is that when you wake up everything hurts.

It's how you know that you didn't officially die. Whenever you woke up after death, it was different, you felt powerful, reborn, but right now you felt like a train ran over you. A headache throbs at your temples as you begin to come to, blinking your eyes against the darkness that doesn't go away. Your ears are ringing, filled with the screams of those who survived and the smell of burned flesh and blood surrounds you like a cloud.

A mountain of rubble and roofing covers you, leaving you in the darkness to get your bearings, but nothing feels broken.

At least the brick fireplace broke my fall. You think to yourself with a groan as you begin to push off the planks of wood and pieces of the roof that cover your body, so you can sit up. As soon as you do, your head spins and you fight the unpleasant urge to throw up.

Great. Might have a concussion.

You might be as strong as Ben, but your ability to die meant that you were just a little bit less equipped to handle a hit like that.

Ben. Worry and fear war in your heart as you look around the broken room that lays in tatters around you.

The house isn’t recognizable anymore. Singed carpet floats in tufts with ash around your face like a swarm of flies while fires burn in clumps all over the ruined room. Chunks of drywall and planks of blackened wood litter the floor and the back half of the house is gone, burned to a crisp in the blast from Ben.

What the fuck did they put in his chest? Ben had tried to describe it to you, tried to explain it, but standing here in the rubble you understood just how bad it was. The ruins in Mid-town you had seen the coverage of on the news, but it was a completely different thing to experience it in person.

People are going to think that he did this on purpose. That he's a bad person, that he's some kind of terrorist. The thought is immediately followed by the fear that Vought and the government would come to take him away. Your jaw tightens. I'd like to see them try.

The bodies of Tommy and Tessa are burned beyond recognition, still holding hands, but now are just blacked lumps of flesh and bone that lay where they tried to make their final stand. But you feel no remorse.

It’s what we came here to do, to make them pay. You bite the inside of your cheek listening to the screams of those who survived. I just didn't think that so many others would get hurt.

You continue to look around the room, worry rising in your chest as you think of Ben and remember the look on his face. He had been scared of what was about to happen even if he didn’t want to admit it. He lost control. In the past when he lost control the worst thing he could do was rip someone in half or smash their face into a pulp, but now if Ben ever lost control he'd level a building.

I see a lot of yoga in his future. Or maybe anger management classes.

Although the thought makes you smile, as soon as you see Ben everything else fades from your mind. Ben is on his knees in the center of the room, head slumped forward on his chest, hands laying limply by his sides, as he takes in shaky breaths. You could hear the frantic pound of his heart, beating hard against his rib cage as if begging to be released. Seeing him like that almost sends you into overdrive. You’d never seen him look so defeated, so small, so tired, so… lost.

“Ben?” You fall to your knees next to him, reaching out to touch his face, to bring his attention to you.

His body tenses as you do so, eyes narrowing when he meets yours like he doesn’t know you. His eyes miles away.

But where?

“Hey, it’s me.” You say gently, cupping his face with your hands to rub your thumbs across his cheeks while fear grips your heart as you try to bring him back to you. “It’s me, I’m here. It’s okay.”

Ben inhales sharply as if suddenly remembering, the look in his eyes clearing for a moment, rising through the fog. "Y/n?" He whispers.

"Yeah. I'm here." You repeat, smiling at him even though the urge to cry builds in the back of your throat. It broke your heart to see him like this. You push his hair back from his face, brushing the ash from the mahogany strands.

 “Are you okay? Did I-“ Worry etches itself across his handsome face.

“I’m fine. Shhh.” You soothe, pulling him against you so your can rub his back softly and lock him in your embrace. But the truth was you were afraid. You didn’t understand what happened and couldn’t explain the look in his eyes when he went under, when he started to lose himself in his newfound powers. Ben crumbles into you, leaning his head against your shoulder as if needing it to strengthen him.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay.” You weren’t sure the effects the blast had on him, just that he seemed unsure as to how the hell he did it.

 Where did he go in those moments?

“The twins?” Ben mumbles.

“They’re dead.” You could hear the approaching ambulances and police cars, hear the anxious chatter of the survivors outside.

We’ve got to get out of here.

“Come on. Let’s go.” You say softly rising to your feet and helping him up. Ben stumbles a step, shaking his head like he can’t catch his bearings and the worry comes roaring back. You catch him and tilt his body so he can lean on you. “Ben are you okay?” Your fingers dance against the sides of his face trying to bring his focus back to you, because you were afraid he might lose himself to whatever the hell happened before.

“I will be in a minute.” Ben takes in a shaky breath, leaning on your shoulder. "I don't know what happened."

"It's okay." His shield rises telekinetically from the rubble and into your outstretched hand that glows a brilliant purple in the dusty light. Smoke billows up from the room around you obscuring the sunlight that filters through the ruined front of the house, but you can still see the front drive already becoming swarmed with people and news crews.

Because that's exactly what Rosemary needs to see, me and Ben on the 5'oclock news. Fuck.

"Come on." You lead him back the way you can, toting his shield in your free hand, down the stairs.

When you spot Butcher, Ben straightens finally catching his bearings and takes the shield from you. Butcher looks from Ben to you, eyebrows raised.

"Sorted?"

"Yeah." Ben frowns.

You could tell that he was still a little shaky, but you knew he wasn't going to admit that to anyone, especially not to Butcher. Your gaze falls on the man from before laying on the ground, the man that Butcher had told Ben to leave.

Why did he want Ben to spare his life if Butcher was only going to beat him down?

But just as you take a step towards the man to check him for injuries, a long shadow falls on the floor at your feet.

Your eyes jolt upwards and focus on Homelander. The smell of hairspray, hair dye, and cheap cologne waft through the air at Homelander's appearance.  He's shorter than you expected him to be, not overtly muscular, but he didn't need to be. Supes with superstrength didn't need to look like body builders, and you suspected that the only reason why Homelander even had any kind of muscle was for his image as America's Hero. Then again, you never complained about Ben's muscular physique.

I don’t think anybody should complain about that and- Nope. Nope. Not thinking about that right now.

But as you stare at him there's something wrong, something that you can't place, something that tugs at the back of your mind when you look at him, almost as if you've forgotten something important.

Seeing him in person is surreal. You'd only ever seen him on the news or on billboards or on those stupid energy drinks that were sold at the bodega on the corner where you get coffee filters sometimes, but the look in his eyes is the same. It's cold, unfeeling, and reminds you of those ridiculous shark documentaries that Rosemary is obsessed with. The only time she could watch shark week was after Lou went to bed. She said that watching it made her feel better about her job and you didn't complain.

Homelander looks around the room forcing a smile, a predatory glare in his eyes.

"William Butcher and Soldier Boy. Of course you are behind this. It really is all about me." Homelander's smile widens.

Narcissistic much? This guy's like a walking red flag.

He takes a step closer to the three of you, and Ben steps in front of you to shield you from Homelander's view. Homelander clocks the movement, but then tsks his finger at Butcher.

"William we made a deal to fight to the death, you and me." Homelander's eyes begin to glow. "You cheated, deals off."

The red flash of the laser-vision illuminates Ben's face in sharp contrast as the beam hits Butcher full in the chest propelling him back into the wall. His body falls to the ground and lies still.

Well. That's not good.

Honestly you didn't like Butcher all that much, but you couldn't help but feel a little bit bad.

You glance up from Butcher's body to gaze at Homelander again. Fighting him hadn't been on the agenda today, but it was starting to look that way. You knew what his powers were, knew that Vought probably told him his entire life that he was a god and that no one could compare to him. And you knew that the man standing next to you hadn't changed enough to walk away from the fight, no matter how bad his odds were.

And deep down you knew that you weren't going to let Ben take that beating, which of course meant that you were going to fight Homelander. Not that you were afraid of him. One look at him might have sent everyone else heading for the hills, but he didn't intimidate you.

"I watched all your movies, hundreds of times. You were the only one that was nearly as strong as me." The look on Homelander's face is one of respect almost wonder.

And you can imagine a smaller version of Homelander being fed all the same propaganda that Ben and you were fed all those years ago, imagine Homelander growing up hearing that he was stronger, greater, faster than Soldier Boy, and imagine Vogelbaum working hard to make sure to mold Homelander into the hero that America wanted. Not to mention all the shit he probably heard when he was with Stormfront. You were very happy that you didn't have to see her again, though now you had a fun story to tell Ben about one of his exes.

“Buddy you’re wearing a cape, do you think you look strong?” Ben frowns at Homelander.

“It is pretty stupid.” You agree examining Homelander’s supe suit. “Honestly I thought you had it bad with that dorky looking helmet-“ You glance at Ben out of the corner of your eye.

“Really? You’re gonna do this now?” Ben glowers turning his attention to you.

“I’m just being honest it was pretty bad and I’m glad you decided not to wear it today. But his cape is definitely worse.”

“Do you want me to bring up that ridiculous hood you had?”

“You can, but I won’t believe you, because that hood was fabulous and I looked fantastic in it.”

Homelander clears his throat to catch your attention. “Um hello?”

“Hi.” You force a smile. “Oh sorry did we interrupt your little monologue?”

Homelander's gaze turns icy as you continue. “Because we can take this from the top. What was the line again? Something about power or watching his films? I was only half listening. Did you want me to record it for you so you can post it on your socials?”

“What the f-“ Homelander begins to say, but you interrupt him.

“I mean. That is why you practiced it in the mirror for so long right? And why you did your hair and makeup?" You scrunch up your nose. "I'd skip that last mist of hairspray if I were you. You want it to look smooth, not look like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket.”

You could tell that Ben was trying to maintain his composure, but his mouth was twitching in a smile. “Oh wait does your suit have a body cam? I guess that makes things easier, because it probably doesn't have pockets. Not to mention if you dropped your phone while you were flying around-"

"Who the fuck are you?" Homelander spits interrupting you.

"No one important."

“Is he really what passes for a hero these days?” Ben cocks an eyebrow. “He’s just a cheap fucking knock off of me.”

“No.” Homelander snarls, eyes beginning to glow bright red. “I’m the upgrade.”

The laser cuts through the air in slow motion, but you’re already moving.

"Ben!" His name rips from your throat as you lunge forward and shove him as hard as you can out of the way of the beam. You feel the laser tear through your body, the force throwing you backward through one of the wood paneled walls and then the darkness swallows you whole.

If someone were to ask you what it was like to die, you wouldn’t know how to answer. To exist in those thirteen seconds sometimes feels like a dream, like you're floating, but it's always silent. And the silence scares you. How quickly it comes to drag you under and how it seems to replace everything you know or remember about the real world until you come back to life. You understood why Ben didn't like being alone, because you didn't either. It reminded you too much of those moments you were gone, wishing for it to stop. There was never a bright light, there was only the darkness and the silence that fell when your heart stopped beating.

When you take your first breath in thirteen seconds it's full of dust and ash, swirling into your mouth as you inhale sharply to jumpstart your lungs. But at the same time everything is different. The colors in the room are brighter, the sounds more acute, the smells just a fraction stronger, and you feel different. Power floods through your limbs, swirling through flesh and bone, pouring through your veins, electrifying through each nerve ending and setting you on fire, more than any other power ever has. You'd never felt power like this before. Even with Countess and the others that had killed you, no other power you'd ever gotten had felt this strong.

You stand up from the rubble you landed in, covered in a layer of dust and blood. The hole in your new outfit where the laser struck is just under your left breast, the mark left behind already a pink scar. And you knew that Ben would probably kill you for it later, for taking the laser for him, but you didn't care.

Homelander is floating in the center of the room, holding Ben by the throat, smiling cruelly at him.

"Hey asshole." You snarl, spitting out a glob of blood onto the ruined carpet. "We're not done."

Homelander turns his head towards you amused, while Ben grabs at the front of his suit, trying to get his attention, but Homelander is focused on you.

"So that's it? That's your big trick? Laser vision? Forgive me for not cowering in fear." Your hands clench into fists at your sides.

He eyes you for a moment. "You're Indigo aren't you?"

"I used to be. Now I'm just disappointed. I expected more from Vought's big hero, but now I see that you're just another asshole who thinks he's a god." Your eyes drift to Ben for a moment, worry clawing at your heart when you meet his gaze. "So drop him. Before I drop you."

"You’re very confident for someone who was dead a few seconds ago. I don't really see how that ability is going to help you-"

"Before I didn’t want to kill you."

"And you think you can?" He laughs.

"No." You smirk. "I know I can."

"Who do you think you’re talking to?"

"I’m not talking to much." Your eyes narrow. "But I'll be nice, and I'll give you a chance to leave. To tuck your tail between your fucking legs and fly away. We didn't come here for you and you and I don't have to do this."

"And if I don't leave?"

"Then I'll kill you."

"I'd like to see you try." Homelander throws Ben as hard as he can through the brick fireplace, causing rock and mortar to rain down on top of him, but Homelander's eyes don't leave yours. “Well why don’t you give me your best sho-“

He doesn’t have time to finish his sentence, your body ploughs into his tackling him through the solid outer wall and onto the back lawn.

Truthfully you hadn’t meant to go through the wall, you’d only meant to pin him to it, but flying was proving just a little more difficult than you expected. Your hand closes on Homelander’s wrist bringing him down against the ground so hard that the earth quakes, before you throw him as far away from you as you can.

His body spins awkwardly in the air, before he ploughs into one of the thick oak trees head on, at the edge of the backyard. The loud snap of the tree compensating for Homelander’s body fills the air.

He stumbles to his feet, eyes narrowed in pure hatred, lip curled back in a snarl, and his blonde hair flopping forward into his face.

“You chose wrong.” You spit, rolling your shoulders, preparing for what came next.

Homelander lets out a roar and flies towards you, arms outstretched for you, but you’re ready for him.

You catch his fist before it lands against your face and tighten your other hand around his throat. Your bodies are floating two feet off the ground, but it doesn’t faze you.

When Homelander’s gaze meets yours you see just a flicker of fear, a spark, quickly masked by his shock. He struggles to pull away to push you away with his free hand, but all you do is tighten your grip.

 "You've never felt real pain before have you?" You force your face into a sympathetic frown, before your eyes harden. "Allow me to enlighten you."  You throw him to the ground again, watching his body spin and screech against the grass and dirt.

 Given the screams and smell of blood in the air, any witnesses from the massacre inside were at the front of the house waiting for the police, leaving you and Homelander on the backside of the house alone.

Worry for Ben rose in your chest like the peak of a wave, you hadn't seen him since Homelander threw him through the fireplace, but you funnel that worry into all encompassing rage.

"They told you that you were a god right? That you were the most powerful supe that ever lived. They were wrong. There's only one supe more powerful than you, and you just fucking pissed her off." You shout beginning to float towards him.

Homelander growls rising to his feet, eyes glowing bright red as he fires a laser at you, but you’re ready.

Your own beam catches his mid air between you, the high pitched sizzle and smell of ozone floats across your face, but you don't back down. If anything, it just makes you more angry.

And then something slams into you from the side, breaking the connection between your beam and Homelander's.

"What-" You shout, looking up at the body above yours, preparing to blast them off, but you realize it's Ben. "Ben what-"

"Stay here." He growls, eyes black. Ben looks pissed, whether it’s because you pushed Ben out of the way before or if it’s because he’s annoyed that Homelander punched him you’re not sure.

"What?" You look beyond him, to see Hughie and Butcher tackle Homelander to the ground.

They're going to try to turn him human.

"I can hold him down-" You say. “Let me help.”

"No." Ben snarls as he stalks towards Homelander, his chest beginning to glow.

“Ben-“

“Stay the fuck there.” Ben shouts still looking at Homelander.

Your eyes flit to the leader of the Seven. Watching him struggle against Hughie and Butcher, who yell at one another, but you don’t hear them. You wait for the remorse to crash over you, the guilt, but it never comes.

I gave him a choice. He could have run. He didn’t. He chose this.

And just when you think it’s all over, Homelander breaks away from them, surging up into the air to freedom. You feel your feet leave the ground to follow him, someone’s hand tightens on your ankle and drags you back down to earth.

“No.” Ben’s voice is more of a growl than anything else.

He’s angry, that much you can tell from the look on his face and from the way his eyes have hardened into two solid chunks of emerald as he locks eyes with you.

But why? Angry because Homelander got away or angry because I pushed him out of the way?

“Ben I can get him. Let me go.” You kick your ankle but Ben holds on.

“No.” Ben snarls. “You’re not about to go after that sick fuck by yourself.”

“Ben-“

“No. If I have to chain you to the ground I will.” Ben pulls you down further and releases your ankle to  fasten his hand around you waist to hold you tighter against the ground. “You’re not going after him.”

“Fine.” You snap pulling yourself from his grasp, your own temper flaring.

You hated when Ben did that, when he acted like you weren’t just as capable as him of doing this. It reminded you of your childhood, when you were treated like you were made of glass, a pretty doll that was made to be looked at but never touched.

And you knew it came from Ben’s want to protect you, knew that it came from his fear of losing you, but that didn’t make it any less annoying.

You didn’t pout when Ben went out to face someone, didn’t try to act like he couldn’t do it.

“I know that maybe I’m a little behind but… WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?” Hughie shouts. “You have laser vision and you can fly and you can move things with your mind!?” He looks frantically from you to Ben.

You don’t answer, your eyes are still on Ben who looks ready to throw Butcher’s car into space. You could practically see the waves of anger rolling off of him like a comic strip.

“You didn’t before, did you?” Butcher’s eyes trace your body as things begin to click into place. “You didn’t before he killed you.”

“Hold on.” Hughie holds up his hand. “Are you telling me that you die and you come back to life WITH THE POWERS OF THE SUPE THAT KILLED YOU?”

“It wasn’t in the files.” Butcher’s eyes still haven’t left you. “Vought didn’t know did they?”

You don’t like the way he’s looking at you, don’t like the glimmer in his eyes as if you’d just solved all his problems. It was the exact look that was in the eyes of the scientists the day you took the serum for the first time. To them that’s all Ben and you were, lab rats, people who were stupid enough to listen to the wild ideas of glory and a better world they spouted.

“We should go.” You murmur, listening to the sounds of the ambulances and the police coming up the driveway. “It’s about to be a circus here and I'd rather not make my big social media debut covered in rubble and blood."

Ben’s mouth is clamped together, green eyes blazing at your mention of blood. You knew that he was focused on the bloody hole left behind in the corset where Homelander's laser had ripped through your body.

Another scar, another fun story to tell my daughter when I see her… great.

*****************************************

The car ride to Legend’s is dead silent. Ben doesn’t look at you, doesn’t try to hold your hand, and doesn’t try to touch you in any way. Instead his hands are curled into fists, sitting on the tops of his thighs while his anger heats the inside of the car like a furnace. You knew it was only a matter until he exploded, but now you had bigger things on your mind.

You had just exposed yourself to Homelander, showed your face to him, not to mention you admitted to being Indigo. It would be easy for him to find your real name in the Vought archives find your file and the same name that linked you to Rosemary. She’d gone back to her maiden name when her husband died, which meant the two of you had the same last name and it wouldn’t be difficult for Homelander to find her.

Which meant you needed to get to her first.

You had tried to text her, tried to tell her to have a bag ready and that you were going to pick her up, but she was refusing to do so and you didn’t exactly want to text “Homelander is a fucking psychopath and he’s going to come after you” to her phone. Plus you couldn’t exactly call her, not in this cramped car.

Legend is waiting on the front porch of his country home when Butcher pulls his car into the end of the long driveway, somewhere that you’d been to many times in the past. He's smoking a joint and scrolling through his phone, wearing the same outfit you had seen him in a few days ago.

"Kitten!" He smiles wide at you when he sees you and pulls you into a hug. “I was worried when I heard about that mess with Countess. You never called.” Legend frowns at you, blowing out a lungful of smoke. "Guess you guys had a talk."

"Something like that." You frown. "It got complicated really fast."

“I told you so.” His eyes shift to where Ben is glowering a foot behind you. "I see he found you. I didn't tell him-"

"I know you didn't. Thank you for keeping your promise." You smile tightly, squeezing Legend's hand. He really was a good friend. One of the oldest ones you had besides Ben.

"Figured if I did, you'd keep him from ripping my head off."

“Haven’t decided if I’m not going to yet.” Ben snarls and Legend's eyes widen in fear.

But you knew that he was just redirecting his anger. Ben was angry because you put yourself in harms way to protect him and the sooner you had it out, the sooner you could go get Rosemary and Lou.

"Ben we both know that you're not mad at Legend, you're mad at me. So you might as well spit it out, because we've got bigger problems than your hissy fit-" You begin to say. You were sick of him pouting, refusing to look at you, refusing to touch you.

"What the FUCK were you thinking?!" Ben roars towering over you, eyes flashing. "Getting between me and him like that!"

Legend backs away, afraid that he's going to get caught in the cross-fire.

"Calm down." You sigh, gritting your teeth together. You were trying your best not to lose it either, because the last thing this situation needed was you losing control.

"DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN." Ben's hands are clenched tightly into fists, his suit beginning to glow bright.

"You're going to have to calm down or you're going to blast me to kingdom come!" You snap back.

Ben grits his teeth together and closes his eyes tightly while his chest begins to fade back to normal and when it does, he opens his eyes to glare at you. "Why did you do that? I had him handled-"

"You didn't."

"Yes I did. You didn't give me a chance to-"

"No what I did was I didn't give that psychopath a chance to punch a hole through your chest with his fucking laser vision." You poke him in the chest. "Of the two of us, I have a greater chance of surviving that!”

By then Butcher and Hughie had moved to give the two of you a wide berth, standing where Legend was watching the two of you looking bored. They were probably hoping that you didn’t cut one of them in half with your new powers.

"Are they always like this?" You hear Butcher ask Legend from where they stand a safe distance away.

"Pretty much." Legend answers, blowing out a puff of the fowl smelling smoke.

"Do you ever get used to it?" Hughie mutters.

"Nope."

“Is there an off button?” Butcher sighs.

“Nope.” Legend puffs his joint.

"You don't know that!" Ben spits back at you. "I could have!"

"I wasn't willing to take that chance damnit!"

How can I make him understand this? How can he finally understand what it would be like for me to lose him all over again, just when I got him back?

"Do you really think that I'm willing to play Russian Roulette with your life?" Ben snarls, grabbing you by the shoulders so tightly you're sure they'll be bruises but all you can do is look into his quickly darkening eyes. "Do you have any idea what it did to me to see you die AGAIN? To see him TOUCH YOU? To know that he HURT you?"

"We've already had this conversation Ben-"

"And we're going to fucking have it again!" His grip tightens. "I told you to stay behind me!"

The last time he'd touched you like this was the night of the premiere, when he told you that he didn't care about you, that he could never love you. The memory of that night lodges itself in the back of your throat, but you keep it down.

"And I told you that I wasn't going to do that!"

"Damn it y/n you can't-"

You pull yourself away from him. "No Ben. You can't tell me what to do. You don't get to control me. People have tried to control me all my damn life and when I first came with you I thought I was giving that up. But no, I just moved on and Vought took over. When I decided to live my own life, to stop being a supe, I was free! Finally! After forty years of bullshit I was finally free!"

Ben’s jaw is so tightly locked together you think you hear the grinding of his teeth. “So what are you saying? Are you saying that when you’re with me you feel trapped? Like I’m holding you fucking hostage?!”

“No.” You exhale heavily. "I understand that you love me. I understand that you want to protect me. But you need to understand that I love you too. That just as you're willing to lay down your life for me, I am willing to lay down my life for you. And if you want this to work between us, you need to understand that you don't control me. You're not my dad or my owner, you're the man I love. And until you realize that I am just as capable of protecting you as you are protecting me-"

"I know that." Ben seethes.

"What?"

"Do you really think that I don't see how strong you are?” You watch something flash in his eyes that isn't anger, the vulnerable look is back for a fleeting moment and it rocks you to your core. "I don’t want to control you! I’m not trying to. Have you thought that maybe after all this time I just wanted you to need me like I need you?"

His confession makes your heart stop. Does he really think that I don’t need him? That after all these years there’s no one else that I’ve needed more in my entire life?

“Ben.” You sigh while stretching out your hand to lay against his arm, but he flinches away. “ I do need you. You have no idea how much I need you, no idea what it did to me when I lost you even after everything that happened. I just don’t want you to treat me like I’m made of glass.��

“I don’t treat you like you’re-“ He begins to say.

“Yes. You do. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect me, but you have to understand that I want to protect you too.”

He huffs out a breath, shoulders tensed, arms crossed over his muscular chest. “I do understand that. I just hate it when you do that, that you push me out of the way. I hate when you get hurt.”

“And I hate when you get hurt." You bite the inside of your cheek. "You say that you were angry that Homelander hurt me, but did you stop to consider what it did to me to see him try to hurt you? Do you know what it did to me to see him touch you?”

Ben stands there for a minute glaring down at you, before his gaze begins to soften. “No.” He grumbles.

“Exactly.”

You both stand there for a minute eyeing one another, daring the other to break the silence.

This is ridiculous.

Finally Ben, sighs out a breath and jerks you forward against his chest. The hug would be bone crushing for anyone else, but not to you.

“You’re so fucking annoying.” He mutters into the top of your head, while his body curves around yours.

“I love you too asshole.” You huff, hugging him back just as tight.

“See they always work it out.” Legend shrugs at Butcher. “Takes them a while to get there. They made my job so much harder in the 70’s. Though I will say it’s a relief that they’re finally admitting they love each other. Way too much sexual tension before, gave me anxiety.”

Ben pulls back to look at your face with another loud sigh. He still looks a little angry, but not angry enough to start shouting again. His thumb strokes against your cheek. “Are you okay?”

You nod once leaning into his touch. “Are you?” You brush back some of his dark hair out of his face, looking for bruises but you don’t see any.

“Yeah.” He nods.

“If the two of you are done, we have bigger things to worry about-“ Butcher begins to say.

“We are and we do.” You interrupt looking away from Ben to stare at Butcher. “I need to borrow your car.”

“Why?”

“I need to go back to the city.”

“What?” Ben sputters releasing you from his grasp.

“And I think it would be better if I went alone-“ You continue slowly.

Honestly you did think that it would be better if you went alone, but you didn’t want to. You wanted Ben to come with you, the problem was Rosemary.

“Like hell I’m letting you go alone with that son of a  bitch flying around!” Ben shouts, temper flaring again.

“Which is why I have to go.” You try to say it diplomatically, try to have him understand without having to explain it. But there’s really no way around it, around any of this.

“No.”

“Ben please c-"

“Don’t tell me to calm down again! I’m not being crazy. You’re not going after him!” His eyes blaze a brilliant green, as he crosses his hands over his chest.

“Ben-“

“Why can’t you listen to me for once?”

“BEN!” You shout, grabbing his face and holding his cheeks between your palms to catch his attention.

“What?” Ben’s eyes lock with yours.

“I’m not going to the city to go after Homelander.”

He pauses confused. “Then why are you-“

And you just can’t take it anymore. You can’t hold it in any longer, can’t think of a way to tell him without just ripping the bandaid off. Your eyes meet his, apologetic, determined, and just a little bit fearful.

“I’m going back into the city to get our daughter.”

*****************************************************

A/N: I know I know, it's been a while and honestly I didn't mean to get hit by writer's block this bad 😂😭

But it kinda works out, because what better way to celebrate Father's Day than to tell Soldier Boy that he's a dad?

As always thank you so much for reading! There are big things coming! And thank so much for the love and support! If you'd like to be added to the taglist please let me know :)

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[resu-w-ana]

Merlin noticed it soon after the magic ban was lifted.

Every time someone used magic around Arthur, the king flinched.

Really, Merlin wasn't expecting Arthur to embrace all magic users with love and trust. He really shouldn't do something stupid like that.

He wasn't sure if Arthur knew about his own reaction or not. It hurt nonetheless.

Constant paranoia and perspective to be burned alive took the best of his desire to show people his magical talents. But the freedom was intoxicating, and whatever Arthur was afraid of magic or not, he would never took it's freedom again.

So Merlin reduced his magic around the king to doing only necessary things.

He had enough work as newly appointed Court Sorcerer to not let his magic idle. The knight and Gwen were here to enjoy pretty tricks too.

Making Arthur comfortable were more important than Merlin's desire to enjoy the beauty of magic with his king.

But the problem accrued from where he least expected.

«Why won't you use magic?»

«I- Ehm, It's possible to do without magic just as easy.»

«I saw you moving dinner plate because you were to lazy to stretch yesterday.»

«I thought I was alone! How do you even know that? Were you spying on me?»

«Oh, come on, Merlin. As if you are that interesting. Doors were open, I was just passing by.»

Even if doors were open, Arthur couldn't accidentally catch him, considering the fact, that there was only one way to Merlin's tower.

Arthur's weird explanation aside, the crisis was averted.

Or so Merlin thought. Because Arthur hadn't stopped.

Every time Merlin did something remotely hard by his hand, Arthur asked the same question: «why won't you use magic?»

Now Merlin was the one running out of weird explanations.

He had no desire to explain his reasoning to Arthur, nor asking Arthur for something he clearly wasn't comfortable with.

Merlin even paid attention to king behaviour around magic more precisely, in case it had changed. But no, the flinching was still there.

Contradicting his own reaction, Arthur cornered him with more determination them ever before.

«So tell me, why knights have no idea about yours so called "proper use of magic".»

«Well... They do know very little about proper use of anything. Especially Gwaine.»

«Yeah, Gwaine, who's apple your turned from green to red because he wished for another variety.»

«I-, Merlin started, as Arthur continued:

«Or should I mention fire figures you do for Leon constantly? The story about Lance's and Gwen's dinner table? Gaius' flying potions?"

Merlin felt guilt creeping onto him.

«Do I need to continue? Because I'm cer–»

«No! No! I got your point!»

«So?»

«So...»

«Explain yourself.»

When Merlin still hesitated, Arthur decided to use lethal weapon: «you promised no more secrets.»

Merlin deflated. «It's not a secret.»

«Then tell me.»

«I've noticed you've tensed whatever magic was around. Decided to spare you the trouble.»

«Oh.»

Suddenly, Arthur wasn't angry anymore. He looked sad and... Guilty?

«It's okay» and «I'm sorry» they said at the same time, than stared at each other.

«You have nothing to be sorry for!» Merlin argued.

«It's not nothing and it's not okay!» Arthur replied.

«That's why I didn't want to tell you! Now you feel like you're doing something wrong or not enough or whatever!»

«Well, that's because I do!»

«No, you're not!»

Arthur sighed. «Look, Merlin... You're not wrong, magic does make me nervous. For all my life, every time someone used it, it was with intention to hurt me.»

He stopped, thinking about his next words. «You are an exception. Yours feel safe.»

«Safe?»

«I don't know how to describe it. It feels warm and... safe. I like it. And I like watching you do magic, too.»

«Oh.»

«Yeah.»

«I'm sorry.»

Arthur smiled. «You can repent your crimes by stopping hiding your magic from me,» he said in playfully serious tone.

Merlin smirked. «Of corse, sire. What would you like to watch now?»

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog: Wakfu Season 1 (episode 20, The Tree of Life)

I like to think he was looking for any sign of Armand being a sussy baka, or, alternatively, Armand being actually worried about the things he's been told.

Sadly, Joris finds neither.

I like to think that Joris and Amalia&Eva have a good pre-established relationship for the following reason: it's shown to be good enough for him to get onto the balcony and for them to be immediately happy about it, instead of going "what the hell are you doing here?" or "were you spying on us? (he was. even if it is for the good of the world.)"

Maybe that's another reason Armand hates him — besides Joris insisting on the instructions that were given to him and not bowing down to Armand's ~power~ — Joris may be a yet another person who likes his sister more.

Btw Joris is doing batshit insane tower climbing again, just like in the Ush comic.

Never change, king.

Get ready for my deep, deep, insightful commentary into what the fact that Joris believes that no issue is insolvable implies within the context of his "has seen countless human deaths" life:

I think I hauve covid.

Do you think one of the solutions that he has for issues is to wait it out and watch, as the walls of the prison that are "circumstances of life", start to decay?

Translation from politespeak: "I am going to cause a political incident with your cringe brother to help you tell your father about Nox's plans."

I love how ready he is to beat people up. And to cause a political incident.

Joris after getting down from the balcony railing, now suddenly very much below everyone in the room, in a matter of fact voice: After I slam the tree stump on the floor to create a loud sound, — and probably damage said floor, sorry, — you are going to scream that the iop returned. I will keep hitting random things until they run in. When the guards do run in, I beat them to unconsciousness with my magic wand. You can also hit them if you want, — yes, yes, you can use the candelabra, or any other metal object in the room, — but do not hit them on the head without me! It's very easy to accidentally kill a person, when you're not used to beating them to unconscious on a relatively regular basis.

Bugs when you lift a rock.

God knows, Joris is extremely aware of how bad the thing he just did is, and how much trouble he'll be in afterwards. God also knows that Joris probably doesn't give a shit.

The little slam... The commanding voice... He's everything.

When Joris is this polite, he is either angry as fuck and can't do anything about it, or angry as fuck and about to beat you to death.

This little "I insist" is so uncalled-for. He's just mocking them at this point, considering what he is about to do.

Something I really noticed this time around, is that Joris really likes kicking things. He kicked Pinpin, he kicked these guys... This is a trait he gets from Kerubim, sure, but he takes kickmaxxing to another level by, very cockily, doing half this battle with his hands behind his back on a simple whim.

He is the same exact type of an insane, prideful asshole as Kerubim. It maddens me when people think he's actually humble and normal just because of his introversion and more low-key facade.

He may not scream "I'm smarter and better and stronger than every loser in this room" outwardly like his father, but exudes the same exact noxious aura nonetheless.

You know why I also think Joris thinks of Amalia and Eva well?

He put this little show on, — fighting two simple guards with pirouettes, hands behind his back, and a little touch of magic, — just for them. We know what he actually fights like when he means it. And it has none of this insanity.

You see, he points out his ability to fight off an army of simple, normal people, all alone. And on one hand it's just reassuring Eva and Amalia that they have nothing to fear...

...and on the other hand, it makes me think he likes it when random teenagers think he's cool and awesome.

Even though this blog is crepinjurgen-focused, I want to say that this is one of my favorite wakfu episodes. This scene always makes me tear up.

Anyway do you think Joris just carries with him ropes to tie enemies with whenever he goes — or did he take a rope from somewhere within the castle? How often does this happen? Does he do this as a torture method too? Does he—- [I am removed by the secret police by being way too insane today]

Still using vous, despite hating his ass.

[guy who made a blog that's 33% dedicated to talking about doomed siblings] Yeah it's so sad that even Tot doesn't understand Clephee's potential, and how insane her relationship with Eva is. Imagine loving your sibling, but they never feel good enough, and they keep leaving you. They turn everything into competition, never celebrate your wins because they feel like their losses. Imagine speaking so little — being so distant, that when you have a happy dream of that sibling, it's them as a child, way back before. And imagine that this sibling wants to turn you into a fur coat— [I am electrocuted]FHDSJHDFJKsdhfsdhfERR-

There are so many people unconscious and Joris is actually freaking the fuck out, which makes me think that, for the past 10-20 minutes in-universe, he and Armand have been doing the Joris whack-a-mole thing.

Like, Joris is actually alarmed/bewildered by the fact that Armand will literally not listen to a single fucking word and just keeps mindlessly punching the floor.

Is he insane? Is he for real?

At this point, he's worried for the guy's health. This has been happening for a while. He sounds scared.

Like Armand keeps hurting himself in his attempts to beat Joris up and it's scaring Joris shitless because it's actually starting to get a little bit weird and off-putting.

Yet he turns around so nonchalantly.

[slashers-gf]

I'm here for you

I don't know it this is good or not. Sorry for any misspelling. I was trying to write this quickly 😭 Might make a part 2 of this. Hope you enjoy 🫶

Kenji Sato x reader

Word count: 3k

Summery: kenji hasn't been answering you for several days, and you start to get worried. You go to a good place to see what's happening to him and to try and help him.

"Damn it, kenji, why haven't you been answering me? It's been several days since you're not answering my texts or calls." I've been trying to contact kenji for days and nothing. Today was the day I was going to go confront him.  I got to the car and made my way to his house.

**Meanwhile with Kenji**

"Please go to sleep emi '' trying to rock emi to sleep.  "She's fussy,"  Mina says, looking at what's happening. "Oh really, i didn't notice," kenji said sarcastically. 

The baby kaiju seems to be finally settling down.  "Ah finally" seeing as it's starting to close her eyes and breathing slowed down.  

"It appears y/n has arrived and is outsode right now" showing security camera. "Damn it why she her right now. Wjat am i going to do about emi. She already knows that im Ultraman. "  Looks at the sleeping kaiju and puts her back into the glass cylinder unit. "Mina, i need you to take care of Emi and hide her."  Mina follows the order and hides emi and watches over her.

"Hey, open the damn door," states to bang on the door till someone opens it. Kenji grumbled to himself before heading towards the door and opening it, leaning his muscular frame against the door frame.

"What do you want?" Kenji crossed his arms, not too pleased by your sudden presence.

"Why have you been ignoring me? I've called and texted." Stats to get angry by his attitude. Kenji avoided eye-contact and looked at everything in the room except you.

"I've been busy,"  He answered. It was a shitty excuse, but the truth. Just a lie to hide the truth. 

"Oh, busy is that it" gets more annoyed.  Kenji rolled his eyes and looked away from you once more. "Obviously."  His tone was cold and sharp. It was different from how he usually spoke to you. He was usually quite gentle and cheerful, but this attitude was the complete opposite. It was as if he was purposely trying to push you away... but why? 

"Tell me the truth, what's happening?"  Kenji sighed and gripped onto the door frame, his body language was closed off, guarded...as if he was trying to hide something 

"I told you, I'm busy,"  He said firmly, his eyes darkening. He was clearly agitated at the fact that you were questioning him.  "That's not it, and I know it,"  seeing how he is being suspicious.

  Kenji grit his teeth together and gripped the frame of the door so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He looked away again and spoke in an annoyed tone.  "Why are you so pushy about knowing everything? Huh? Just drop it and piss off already"

" Because I know when you're lying, so tell me what's wrong."  See how he was acting, and I started to get concerned about him. Kenji snapped, and the irritation that he had been pushing down had finally boiled over. He stepped forward and locked eyes with you, his voice raising*

"No! Okay!? I don't want to tell you or anyone anything and I don't plan to! Just piss off!" 

"What the hell is your problem?"  I started to raise my voice.  Kenji ran a hand down his face in frustration, scoffing. "My problem is you! You just can't seem to take a damn hint and leave!" 

"Are you fucking kidding me right now. I come here because I'm worried about you and your just going to act like a piece of shit "

Kenji's eyes darkened, and a cold, bitter laugh slipped past his lips. "You're worried about me, huh? Sure, as hell doesn't seem like it! You've been nagging me this whole time to open up like I'm some sort of sob story that needs saving!"

"Well I am fucking worried, I always have been. I'm your best friend and I'm just trying to understand and help you" lowers voice and gets hurt by what he has just said. 

Kenji's shoulders slumped, and he leaned against the door frame again. He looked tired, beyond exhausted mentally and physically. His voice was quiet and bitter.

"Well...you don't need to, okay? I'm fine..Everything's fine" he said, sighing. 

"Wow, you really are just childish and only care about yourself and not others about you? " turns about and starts to walk towards my car.

Kenji froze, his heart hammering in his chest. Why did what you said hurt so badly? He bit back the tears that began to well up in his eyes, his vision going blurry. He had been pushing you away and yet here he was on the verge of tears. He cursed under his breath, clenching a fist and quickly turned around, grabbing your wrist and yanking you back towards him. "Where are you going!?"

"Home clearly since you don't need my help with anything ."  Trying to break away from his grip. Kenji's grip on your wrist tightened as he held you firmly in place, preventing you from leaving. He hated this feeling and hated how his heart ached in his chest. Damn it...why did he feel so vulnerable around you... "Just..just stay" He said quietly

"Why? why should I if you are just going to keep lying to me over and over again? " turning back to look him in the face. 

Kenji groaned and let go of your wrist, running a hand through his raven hair as he avoided eye contact once more. He bit his bottom lip and looked off to the side, contemplating on answering your question.

"I'm not lying.."  He said in a quiet whisper. He was lying. He hadn't told you everything.. but in his heart, is that really lying?  "I just..." *He closed his eyes and let out a deep exhale  "I just don't want you to worry..." 

"I'm here for you, and I've always been since I was a kid. But I don't want to  watch you like this and treat me like shit, " I said, looking at his face. 

Kenji flinched, his eyes snapping open. He winced at your words, his heart panging once more and his stomach twisting into knots. He hated this.. Why couldn't you just listen to him and leave him alone? He didn't want you to witness his breakdown, his pain, his struggle. He was supposed to be strong... to be the one that people look up to. A broken hero.. but could he really say that?

Kenji cursed once more, grabbing your sleeve and pulling you away from the door and into the apartment. 

"Hey, let go of me," trying to get out of his grasp.  Kenji ignored your protests and tugged you into the apartment further, closing the door behind you and shutting the world outside behind him. He finally let go of you and stepped away. 

"No! You wanted to come here and now you're here. You're not leaving until you listen to me!" 

"Why should I if you are not going to tell me what's really wrong and not want my help?" Looking at kenji to see what his reaction is. Kenji clenched his fists tightly, his body growing tense. He knew you were right, and he knew he had no right to be mad at you... yet there was an anger that was welling up in his chest. His jaw clenched. "I don’t need your pity, okay?! Stop acting like I need your damn help!" He said, raising his voice.

"So you're just not going to tell me anything then?" I said as Kenji closed his eyes and sighed, his shoulders slumping once more. He looked defeated. As much as he tried to keep up the tough act, he just couldn’t. He was exhausted and tired..he just didn’t know how to explain everything to you without burdening you further.

"Look...it's not that I don’t want to tell you anything..it's just..”  He couldn’t look you in the eye, choosing to look down at the ground instead 

"Go on" I said, wanting him to continue on with what he was saying. Kenji’s jaw clenched, his fingers tapping against his leg anxiously.

 Where did he even start? He thought. He closed his eyes and opened them again, staring straight into yours “Promise me you won’t say anything…to anyone, alright?:

"Yes, of course I already know your ultraman, and I haven't told anyone," getting concerned about what he was going to say to me. Kenji relaxed slightly. He had to admit he did feel relief in the fact that you already knew. He crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing. “I’m assuming you want the reason as to why I’ve been distant..correct?” Kenji sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was getting a headache, and he hadn’t even started yet.. “It’ll be hard to explain, hell you might not even believe me but…”  He trailed off and sat down on the couch, motioning for you to do the same. 

I followed and sat next to him on the couch. "Kenji, you know that you can tell me anything, right?" Looking at his expression. Kenji nodded, staring down at his now clenched fists resting on his lap. He felt vulnerable, vulnerable, and terrified. Scared of what you’d think.  “I know, I know.. just..”  He swallowed his saliva, his throat suddenly feeling very dry  “Just listen, ok?” 

"Yes, of course I'll listen to whatever you say." Seeing how he was reacting, I know something major was happening to his life. Kenji breathed in slowly before exhaling. He knew he had to say it. He had no choice but to spit it out. It was better if you heard it from him rather than later.  “The reason…”  He swallowed nervously once more. “The reason I’ve been closed off and distant with you…is because I don't want you to hate me." His voice began to tremble. 

"Kenji, I would never take you no matter what happens." Seeing him like this broke my heart, knowing he was suffering, and i wasn't there to console him. Kenji shut his eyes even tighter, his body trembling as he fought the tears that welled up behind his eyelids. God, he was so pathetic. He was on the verge of tears again, and this time, his resolve finally broke. The dam of tears broke and poured down his cheeks like a waterfall as he choked out a broken response. “You’d say that now…but you won’t when you find out the truth..”

I look at Kenji and grab his hand. Kenji’s lip quivered as he felt your hand grab his, the touch of your skin against his was suddenly too much for him. He looked at you with tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy. “Damnit..”  He muttered, using his other hand to wipe away tears, but they just kept coming.. he hated how damn emotional he felt, and yet at the same time, it felt like a relief in a way.. 

"Kenji, I'm going to be here for you no matter what, so tell me so I can understand and help you, kenji."  Kenji’s heart twisted. Your words only made him feel guilty. He didn’t deserve the kindness you were giving to him, but yet here you were. Willing to listen to his story. He looked down at your hand that was holding his and gently squeezed it, enjoying the feeling of your hand in his. He swallowed hard and nodded, knowing he didn’t have a choice. He had to say it.. “Okay..okay you wanna know the truth?”

Kenji took a deep breath. This was it. There was no turning back now. He gently pulled his hand away from yours and ran a hand through his raven hair. His voice went quiet, and it was shaky as he spoke. “Please..promise me that you won’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you. This can’t leave this room..” 

"Yes, of course I promise kenji," giving his hand a squeeze to comfort him.  Kenji closed his eyes and slowly took another breath, steeling himself to say what he knew would change everything. He clenched the couch in his fists, the soft material of the couch bunched up beneath his strong hands “Okay..here it goes…” Kenji’s chest tightened, and his heart raced. He swallowed once more before he spoke, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “My mom.. passed away a couple of years ago..”

I stay quiet and just listen to him and what he has to say. Kenji’s eyes began to water as he recalled the memory of losing his mother. It had left a permanent scar in his heart, one that he knew would never heal. He cursed silently under his breath, squeezing the fabric of his jeans. " She was the most important person in my life. My rock..so when I lost her, it hurt like hell. And the pain didn’t go away..not even to this day..”  

" I know how hard it can be on you. You loved her very much, and she loved you, but she wouldn't want to see you crying like this. "  Kenji knew you were right. Every word you said was right. His mama wouldn’t want to see him this wreck. That was for certain, but he couldn’t help it. The pain was too damn much, and as much as he hated to admit it, he had finally reached his limit...“Why, why did she have to pass away? I just don’t understand..” He whispered, his voice cracking as he looked down at the floor, fresh tears falling down his face.

" Sometimes life doesn't go the way everyone wants it. There are going to be times when you just want to disappear from this world. But you know it's not your fault or anyone's. She loved you very much more than you think. It's okay to feel like this. You are human, too. You don't need to act strong just because you are ultraman. "  Kenji nodded, listening to your words. Sometimes, he was so used to acting tough and strong that he forgot he was just a regular person with emotions. He felt silly having a miniature breakdown, but at the same time, he felt relieved. After all, he hadn’t shared this pain with anyone before..

 He swallowed hard, looking down at his lap “I know..it’s just sometimes the pain gets too much, and I wonder why it had to happen to me. I miss her so much. Some days, I'm feel like I’m going to go crazy..”

"I know you do. I miss her, and she was like a second mom to me. Remember when she would have those game days when we were little, and she would cheer for you." Recalling those memories that we had shared together with his mom.  Kenji chuckled as the memories came flooding back. The game days, they were always his favorite…he couldn’t believe you remembered them too. He smiled warmly, his dark eyes gleaming with sadness.

“Yea I remember…we would get so rowdy that sometimes it would get out of hand, and we’d get in trouble. I swear I’ll never forget that time when we both broke the vase…and mom yelled at us like hell..”

"You have many fun and happy memories with her. She always wanted you to be happy."  Kenji nodded, the corners of his mouth curving into a small smile. There were many happy memories, and he had to admit that. His mind began to recall one after another.. their laughs, their games, their fun days…but as quickly as those happy memories came, the pain came rushing back.  “I know.. I know she wanted me to be happy, but hell. It’s just so damn hard without her..”

"It's okay to feel like that, but you can't just push everyone that cares about you away," I said, looking at him and how he was quiet. Kenji stayed silent, his eyes downcast once more. Deep down, he knew it was true. Every word you said was true. But he didn’t know why he was so scared of accepting it. The thought of losing someone again, the thought of losing you.. “You’re right..but look where it gets me..I’m just a wreck..”

"I'm here for you to lean on me," I said, knowing that no matter what, I was going to stay by his side.  Kenji looked up at you once more, his jaw tensing. A part of him wanted to keep pushing you away and hide his vulnerability away.. but the other part just wanted to pull you into his arms and not let go. “Why? Why are you still here? Why are you still bothering me..? I’ve been nothing but a jerk to you..” 

"I don't know, I've been with you my whole life. You're someone precious to me, and I don't want that precious someone to suffer in front of me, " I said, smiling at him.   Kenji’s lip trembled, your words of kindness overwhelming him. He had a feeling you’d say something cheesy like that..yet at the same time, it was just the truth. You stuck by his side through everything, and he realized how many times he probably took your friendship for granted.. “Damnit..”  He muttered quietly, looking off to the side. “You’re far too nice for your own good, you know that?” 

"Really!? I think I'm just doing the right thing. " I said while laughing.  Kenji rolled his eyes and managed a small laugh in response to yours. Your optimism always got the best of him, even in the darkest of times. But deep down, he felt grateful. I am grateful that you hadn’t given up on him, even when he had pushed you away. “Yea yea you’re always right like the smartass you are..”  He said, shoving your shoulder lightly. 

"Don't call me that," I said while flicking his for heard with my finger.  Kenji flinched when you flicked his forehead, rubbing the spot and pouting at you. He huffed and folded his arms across his chest, scowling at you. "Ow damn’t..” He grumbled, his lips twitching in an almost smile* “Oh come on, you know you love me calling you that." I slightly blushed at this but looked the other way so he couldn't see. 

"Ya ya, whatever, so are you going to keep pushing me away?" I asked, looking at him for a reply. *Kenji stayed quiet for a few moments, his mind racing as he tried to come up with some snarky retort, but the words got lost somewhere in his throat. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, admitting his defeat* 

“No, No I’m not going to keep pushing you away..”  He said, his voice quiet. “It was stupid of me, anyway. You’re right, I’ve been a jerk and I’m sorry..”  He looks down at his lap. "Wow, the infamous kenji Sato said sorry to sorry one," I said, smirking. *Kenji rolled his eyes and huffed, smacking your shoulder this time* 

“You’re lucky I’m being nice right now, or I’d knock that smirk right off your face..”  He scowled half-heartedly, his dark eyes flickering with a hint of amusement. Despite his rough exterior, the truth was that he really missed this. Missed being around you like this...

"So are you going to tell me why you smell like fish and barf?" I said, looking at him up and down.  Kenji froze in shock. 

“Ah crap..”

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

I was rooting for Gabriel having a redemption arch, but even I know that what we got in the show was anything BUT.

How would you handle it? If you were to succesfully redeem Gabriel? How would you do it?

I'm not opposed to a Gabriel redemption arc, but it would be very hard to do without some serious and careful character development or serious edits to canon. My preference is option two because option one risks something that is a hard no for me: glorifying the cycle of abuse. We'll still talk about both paths because it's worth discussion and we'll start with the easy one, which is rewriting canon to remove the abuse.

Rewriting Gabriel

The easiest way to give Gabriel a redemption is to make him a good father. Someone who clearly loves Adrien in a healthy, non-possessive way. Someone who is at least trying to have Adrien's best interests at heart. Someone who is willing to let Adrien do things that make Adrien happy.

To make Gabriel into this kind of character, we would need to remove all - or at least most - of the manipulation. Things like when Adrien asked to no longer be a model and Gabriel used that as an excuse to make an AI Adrien and then told Adrien that his options were to either tolerate the AI or go back to being a model:

Adrien: Dad, I'm not really comfortable with having my face on all these rings. That's actually why I didn't want to be a model anymore, to avoid that. Do you understand? Gabriel: Of course, I understand, my son. But that's the point; it's just an image, it's not you! And since this image frees you from your obligations, we, the Agrestes, are able to spend more time together. But if you'd rather everything went back to the way it was before, just say the word.

We'd also need to get rid of every moment when Adrien seemed to fear his father like this scene from Illusion where Adrien spilled spaghetti on Gabriel and then immediately started freaking out like he was afraid of being hit or otherwise punished:

Adrien: Yes, I forgot my school bag. (spills the spaghetti on Gabriel’s clothes, but Gabriel remains calm) Oops! Oh, sorry, Dad! You must be so angry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

These moments are easy to write because they allow Gabriel to come across as evil and scary without the audience knowing anything about him. In other words, they work wonderfully with the whole "every episode must stand fully alone" rule. But if we ignore that rule and say that Gabriel is allowed to be nuanced, then we can replace this straightforward writing with more complex writing that requires you to watch multiple episodes in order to understand what's going on in the broader story.

In this new version of canon, we wouldn't have to change much story wise. We could keep the same general story beats. The only big change is that we'd see Gabriel struggle between his grief, his love for his son, and his desperation to restore his wife. This would mean little moments of nuance like Gabriel changing his mind about the day's akuma because his planned akuma would knowingly putting Adrien at risk and Gabriel won't do that, so he has to swap plans on the fly, leading to some of his more wacky akumas. This setup allows for a Gabriel who is still a super villain, but he's now a super villain with principles who refuses to let those he loves be harmed in his quest.

A more minor change is that Adrien's fear of his father would be replaced with a more complex setup. Instead of fear, Adrien is now held back grief because he's a teenage boy who is grieving and who knows that his parent is also grieving, but who doesn't know what to do about any of that. In this setup, the father-son conflict is not abuser and victim but two grief-stricken individuals who no longer know how to connect because a vital element of their relationship has forever changed. You know, the kind of setup you'd expect for a family where the relatively young mother died less than a year ago.

I've talked about this kind of setup leading to a corruption arc, but you could also use it for a redemption arc. If Gabriel never goes against his principles and always puts Adrien first even if it means losing Emilie, then you maintain Gabriel as a complex and nuanced character who would believably stop his quest as soon as he learned Chat Noir's identity or was otherwise put in a position to once and for all choose between his son and his wife. (Which could be how we get our next villain if the story doesn't end with Gabriel's lose.)

While I thought that the movie adaptation was too rushed to make it's ending really work, it does show the template for this path. A path I would have personally loved, but it's not the path we got in the show so let's talk about option two.

Redeeming Canon Gabriel

Whether or not he understands what he's doing, canon Gabriel is an abuser. He controls and manipulates his son without any concern for what Adrien wants because Gabriel seems to view Adrien as a perfect doll and not a real human being with his own wants and needs.

Quick senti rant: This is yet another reason that I hate the sentistuff. Because sentimonsters are so poorly defined, that the sentiplot does kind of validate Gabriel's POV and that's not a good thing. This is extra true since Gabriel's part in that plot ended with Gabriel essentially giving Marinette ownership of Adrien by passing on the rings. I talked about it at length here, but I think the only way to make the sentiplot work in the context of canon is for it to end with Gabriel realizing that he needs to view Adrien as more than a doll and I think the only way to really do that is to have Gabriel use the wish to free his son.

Back to the main discussion in which Adrien is a real boy and we ignore the senti complication!

In order for canon Gabriel to be redeemed, he must acknowledge his abuse and make recompense for what he's done. Adrien must also acknowledge his father's abuse and be allowed to decide what that means for their relationship as Adrien is the victim and, when it comes to reconciliation, the victim should be the one calling the shots, not the abuser. This is a complex and nuanced process that would take an intense amount of screen time to make work. I do think you could do it, but once again, it would require Miraculous to get rid of that whole, "every episode must stand fully alone" rule.

Off the top of my head, if I had to take this route, I'd have season five end with Gabriel losing. I also wouldn't let him die or do his grand plan. Instead, I'd have him lose without a big public reveal by having Felix or Nathalie reveal Gabriel's identity to Ladybug and Chat Noir. This would lead to Gabriel being stopped in an epic battle between our two heroes.

Once Gabriel has been subdued and the full story has been revealed (because it would be so much more satisfying coming from Gabriel and not freaking Felix), Ladybug would contact the guardians to see if Emilie could be saved. This is a path Gabriel never had the chance to take because the Guardians weren't around until quite recently. (I'd probably make it so that Gabriel didn't even know that the Guardians were back.) The Guardian's answer would, of course, be yes, but it would require some special lost item or other BS that the heroes need to get/do first.

At the same time, we'd learn that there is a new bigger, badder villain. I'm thinking Tomoe, but Lila, Felix, and/or Nathalie are also options. No matter which one we pick, Gabriel would have knowledge about the new villain that no one else does. Knowledge that is not easily given. In order to save his wife, Gabriel agrees to help the heroes with the new villain and they agree to help save Emilie (they would have done that anyway, but Gabriel doesn't need to know that).

Over the course of this plot line, Gabriel would become less of a recluse and, as a result, he'd get out of his own head and start to regret his actions as he comes to view the heroes as people, not obstacles. This plot line would really lean into the idea that Gabriel never viewed his actions as real because he'd always planned to reset everything with the wish, so what did it matter if he hurt people? It was all just a bad dream that they'd forget once he'd won and set everything right.

Now that his hope of resetting everything is gone and his actions have actual weight in his mind, he'd be incredibly remorseful about the way he treated Adrien, so he'd pull away from his son. At the same time, he'd be bonding with Chat Noir, whose identity was never revealed. This would eventually lead to a reveal whose time and place was fully chosen by Adrien. A reveal that would only take place once Adrien felt that his father had truly changed and come to regret what he'd done.

Bonus element to this idea: the Gabriel-Adrien reveal would be our new identity shenanigan hook, meaning that the love square could reveal themselves without removing that element of the story. It would just have a new main flavor.

The Cycle of Abuse

I mentioned at the top that you have to be incredibly careful about redeeming abusers because it can glorify the cycle of abuse. I wanted to end by talking about what I meant by that as I think that far too many pieces of media accidentally glorify this cycle because they don't put the necessary effort into their redemption arcs. When it's media aimed at teens and adults, I just kind of sigh and stop consuming it. When it's media aimed at kids, I get legitimately upset because the cycle of abuse is already hard enough to escape without media helping you internalize it at a young age where you don't have the skills to understand fiction vs reality.

There are a lot of in-depth articles and books about the cycle of abuse, so I won't go too deep here. I'll just link one article and go over the basics which is that abuse is often not constant. In many cases, it follows a clear pattern in which there's an incident of abuse, followed by some form of reconciliation, followed by a period of true calm and happiness, but that calm and happiness never lasts. There will eventually be another incident of abuse and the cycle will start all over again. It's an existence of the highest highs and lowest lows where the victim has true hope that things will get better only for that hope to be cruelly dashed to pieces again and again.

This cycle is one of the many things that can make it hard for victims to leave or even identify the abuse depending on what form the abuse takes. After all, no one is perfect and we want to support our loved ones. If a person does something mean and then apologizes, we want to believe that apology. This very normal series of events can be paired with the cycle of abuse to keep a victim trapped because they think that they're a bad person if they give up on their abuser who is, "trying to get better," or some other excuse. But that's not what's actually happening. While the abuser is saying what the victim wants to hear and may even mean it in the moment, if they're not actually doing any work to change, then it's just another reconciliation round in the cycle of abuse.

This is why it's so important to have media that tells you that it's okay to give up on people. That their happiness is not your responsibility. It's also a big reason why I like the idea of redeeming character A while not redeeming character B. That setup lets you have that positive message of redemption while also presenting the idea that redemption is never a sure path. You can only redeem those who want to change (even if it's for a selfish reason) and who are willing to put in the work. A thing that you can really highlight and drive home when you do the A vs B setup.

Before we move on, I will note that there are abusive relationships that don't look like the cycle. The cycle is simply a very common pattern. The thing that makes it "special" when it comes to writing is that it's the type of abuse that's easiest to glorify and/or romanticize if you're not careful in your writing, which brings us back to Miraculous.

Miraculous actually demonstrated the cycle of abuse horrifically well in season five. In this season, we see things like Gabriel giving Adrien apologies and permission to call him "dad." Acts of reconciliation that were followed by blissful happiness for Adrien who desperately wants his father's love. But of course, that happiness never lasted. In the end, Gabriel always destroyed it with a new act of abuse because he is an abuser. An abuser who loves his son, but an abuser none the less because love doesn't stop abuse.

Because of this, if you want to write a realistic redemption, then you cannot give Gabriel a simple redemption where he apologizes and everything is suddenly okay. You have to differentiate his "true" apology from the others. You have to make it clear that this isn't just another round in the cycle of abuse both to tell a good story and so that little kids can hopefully internalize the difference between when you need to run away and when it's safe to stick around.

Another important element in getting this message right is allowing the victim character to be the one who is in charge of the reconciliation. Generally speaking, the victim should be super wary about reconciling because - for this to work - they need to be fully aware that there has been past abuse so that they can make a fully informed choice about what that means for them and their relationship with their abuser. It's not a true reconciliation if the victim is totally oblivious to the fact that they've been wrong.

Because of this, the true reconciliation will usually be a drawn out process wherein the abuser and the victim don't reconcile until the abuser has unequivocally proven themself as changed to really highlight the difference between an actual reconciliation and the kind of temporary reconciliation we see in the cycle. This why my hypothetical solution has a love square reveal and Gabriel avoiding Adrien out of shame.

That route allows Adrien to have full control over the situation as Ladybug can accommodate his needs, allowing Chat Noir to have 0 required interactions with his father. All required interactions are handled by Ladybug or other teammates so that all of the interactions that happen between Gabriel and Chat Noir feel like Chat Noir's freely made choice. This setup also allows Adrien and Gabriel to be on more equal footing in terms of power, an extremely important element of reconciliation. A lot of damaged parent-child relationships don't fully heal until the child is an adult and the parent loses their power.

All of the above is why I'm wary of giving abusers redemption arcs into happy close relationships with their victims (I'm much more liberal with redemption arcs into happiness with people they never hurt and/or where they're redeemed, but not super close with their victims). I'm extra wary in the context of children's media as it can be harder for kids to understand nuance and this is an incredibly important topic to get right.

That doesn't mean it can't be done. It can! It just requires a lot of effort to do it right. Most of the time, stories with this type of redemption feel lackluster and honestly make me a little sick to my stomach because it's so common to go the lazy route where a single apology is all that's required. It's why I'm super wary of the whole "enemies to lovers" thing. I like the concept it in theory, but more often than not, it ends up being abuser-and-victim to lovers, which is a hard pass for me. I don't judge people who enjoy that stuff in fiction or role-play settings, it's just not my cup of tea. Be it fiction or reality, I want couples that feel healthy and families/teams that I'd love to be a part of.

Since this was a serious one, let's end on a topical, but humorous short from ProDZ where he very accurately sums up your standard bad-guy redemption and why I don't like it. I love the redeeming power of love, but like all tropes, part of doing it well is knowing what story setups are suited to it and which ones are not.

[the-crow-binary]

Im quite curious about your opinion on the portrayal of the french revolution; I know it was a super complicated political moment with multiple fronts from the commoners wanting better life conditions, the bourgeoisie wanting to get the nobility out of the way (which it's part as to why it cant be directly translated into 21'st century american capitalism analogy 🙄), how multiple nobles supported the revolution for moral values despite going against their families interests (bc social class influences but doesnt instantly determines your morals) and that many revolutionary groups supported the independence of Haití (heck, many members of my countries independence participated and almost got beheaded in the resulting mess. And ad hundred and something years later France would try to invade us lol). What im trying to say behind my ramble here (sorry for that lol) its that im sure nfcv made it a slavery bad black ppl vs white ppl american dilemma without getting into the complexity of it and i say this as a foreigner with basic history knowledge, so i do wanna see your take on it

Which portrayal of the French Revolution? 🙃

I swear this very important Historical event that affected not just France but all of continental Europe and is considered as one of the world's biggest events was just used as background for the characters to fight and be racist. The characters keep throwing around the word "revolution" from all sides, but we don't see shit. Maria gives context in the first episode (there's a revolution, they overthrown the monarchy and declared a republic, they arrested the king...), talking to a group of revolutionaries, and from then on the story could've literally taken place in an imaginary country with imaginary politics it would've been the same.

Oh, what am I saying, there IS one thing. Our motto. 🙃"Liberty, equality, fraternity" 🙃 Yeah it has been thrown here and there... Except that it wasn't our official motto yet. We had the notion of liberty and equality, sometimes fraternity, and it was in the middle of other words such as "friendship", "sincerity", "charity" and "union". There is some people and even some books who used this motto but it was abandoned then taken back later... Just this is a mess lmao but the point is. I cringed everytime the characters screamed "Liberty! Equality! Fraternity!". And while we're on the subject, Richter, at some point, meets three girls during a festival (I suspect one of the girls to be Marianne, who wasn't a real person but the symbol of Liberty) talking about dressing up as Liberty and Equality and Fraternity. And Richter, thinking he is so smart, say that you need to be a man to dress up as Fraternity, because it means "brotherhood" (and the girls go "sisternity then" and don't correct him). Oh, and the writers clearly thought it was very clever too, since later on Annette's teacher (and even the Messiah I think??) will ALSO talk about the motto, saying "liberty, equality, brotherhood". IT DOESN'T MEAN "BROTHERHOOD". I MEAN IT CAN. BUT IN THIS CASE IT MEANS "FRATERNITY". IT'S A TERM TO TALK ABOUT A BOND EXISTING BETWEEN PEOPLE CONSIDERED AS MEMBERS OF THE HUMAN FAMILY. AKA IT CONCERNS EVERYONE. YOU ARE NOT CLEVER, AMERICAN WRITERS.

Also I thought a fucking festival at a time like that where people dress up at the concepts of our not-exactly-official-motto-yet was stupid, and it is. There was no such festival, however, we did have the "cult of the reason". To put it simply: it was a serie of events and civic holidays wich were organized by a group of atheists. In it there WAS an event called "Fete of the Reason"... Where one ACTOR dressed up as Liberty. It was NOT multiple people representing liberty, equality or fraternity.

The fun fact is, the French Revolution was a pretty good occasion for NFCV to promote it's CHURCH BAD mentality. We were taking away the church's power, more people became atheists, anti-christian vandalism and blasphemy was actually encouraged, it was a mess. Paris even ordered to shut down churches at some point, wich did not happen in the end. So yeah, this precise moment, right before the Vendée War, was perfect for the church-haters those writers are. And it ended up just being as bad as the original show, without any nuance... Ok there might be a little bit of nuance because of Mizrak, a guy who served the church and in the end actually team up with Richter and the gang, and it looks like he's there to stay. Emmanuel (the abbott) tries to be complex, but in the end, he is still a God-obsessed man that makes terrible decisions and is not a good representation for the church. So okay, it might be a BIT better than the original show thanks to Mizrak, but it's not saying much.

Another thing. Only the main characters are shown to have a dislike for the church. We don't see ANY of the french people doing anything against the church (but we do hear the church complaining about the revolutionaries, tell don't show y'know), not even talk about it. It's mostly jokes about how haha priests are sexual predators/they can't keep it in their pants (with the occasional "it exploits the people and take their money" line, and by occasionnal I mean once). There IS a few shades thrown at God here and there, honestly I didn't bother remembering the exact lines because they are so cliché and really not that deep. I think Maria is the one complaining the most.

What angers me the most is the lack of ANY ACTION FROM THE FRENCH PEOPLE. It's like nothing is actually happening except vampire killing people and vampire hunting (wich begs the question: WHY bother making it happen during the FRENCH REVOLUTION?). Nocturne literally made the french people the side (oh what am I saying, the BACKGROUND) characters in their OWN REVOLUTION. AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS. WHAT THE FUCK. Maria is supposed to be a revolutionary leader but she doesn't lead anyone. We never see anyone do anything outside of the main characters. The french are literal planks, except from those three girls from the festival and villains, they don't even have a voice. At some point the vampire Messiah arrives in town, in plain view, and people are like "OUR SAVIOR IS HERE! OUR DELIVERER!" and I thought the people shouting were vampires, but no, there is humans TOO. ALL TOGETHER. And you have no idea how much I hate that they basically portray the french people as not doing shit and needing someone else to save them 🙃 To do things for them 🙃 And also. That that someone else is not even french themself. 🙃 Even without the Messiah... the revolutionaries we saw were led by Richter (romanian/american/british idk at this point), Annette (Haitian, even if Saint-Domingue was owned by France at the time), Tera (Russian) and, of course, Maria, who's both Russian and French, at least. Those four were doing most of the work while the french people were in their houses cooking baguettes, I guess. And by "work" I mean fighting vampires and night creatures, there was nothing done about the Revolution. Almost like there is NO REASON TO MAKE A CV SHOW ABOUT THE FRENCH REVOLUTION

Oh and I just HAVE to talk to you about Saint-Domingue, and the BLACK PEOPLE ARE OPPRESSED theme going on with Annette. And that's when I'll have to take out this magnificent dialogue again:

"Even these french with their high ideas, what do they know about we've suffered? And what do they care? They're building new world, but it won't be freedom, or equality or brotherhood for US"

This is said by Annette's teacher. Worth to note that before that, in episode 3, she also shat on the French revolution and our motto. Basically, the show portray the French Revolution as being one thing and the slaves in Saint-Domingue having their own other revolution. And not just that, it implies that the French did not care about slaves, and that they do not know what suffering is (yeah, people just start revolutions because they feel like it y'know 🙃). And the anti-white dialogues are portrayed as normal and are even applauded, btw. And it is BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT. MY FUCKING GOD. OH THIS SHOW MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

First off: Only the colonies were pro-slavery. The french pretty much weren't. A "Society of friends of black people" was even created in France in 1788 to fight for the abolition of slavery. People fought for black people's rights during the French Revolution. Books written by black people to join the fight came out. The French Revolution scared the colonies who were very against losing their slaves and it led to Haiti's own revolution (slaves rebelling, killing their owners, burning the plantations... Nocturne at least got that part right). So both revolutions are very closely linked and the slaves might not have rebelled at this point if it wasn't for the French Revolution threatening Saint-Domingue's economics and creating social upheavals.

And what does those shitty american writers remember? BLACK PEOPLE OPPRESSED. BLACK PEOPLE SUFFERED SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE. LOOK AT THESE POOR BLACK PEOPLE. WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO POWERFUL. THE FRENCH ARE UNGRATEFUL ACTUALLY. BLACK CHARACTER IS RIGHT TO SHIT ON THE WHITE FRENCH WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.

FUCK.

Oh, and I mentioned the Vendée War earlier... So, fun fact, during the revolution, we have what we call "la Terreur". It's a pretty gruesome period of time during the Revolution that caused the death of hundreds of thousands of people. La Terreur happened from 1793 to 1794. So one year after this first season of Nocturne. 🙃 I'm just saying. It wouldn't surprise me if they used this for season 2. 🙃(I literally do not trust them)

And the vampires... Look the vampires have their own can of worms that I'm not motivated enough to open. I'll just say that, of course, in classic NFCV fashion, the message the show is trying to pass is not subtle at all. They're just evil. All of them. All of the french nobles. Evil evil EVIL EVIL!! NUANCE AND COMPLEXITY ARE FOR PUSSIES.

Also the count of Vaublanc? Annette's ex-owner? This guy existed. And he never owned slaves. He was pretty pro-royalty, at some point he voted against slavery, then later voted in favor of it... but he did not own slaves. But honestly I don't care about that guy much, I just wanted to show that NFCV really doesn't care about nuance. Everything has to be black or white (lol) and that's why we have no human nobility in Nocturne.

Urgh. UUUUUURGH. I SWEAR WATCHING THIS SHOW WAS A PAIN AND THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE PAINFUL IT BECOMES. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION AND NFCV IS DOING JACKSHIT WITH IT. I MEAN IT'S SO MUCH FUNNIER TO SHIT ON THE BELMONT CLAN AND SHOW TIDDIES TO MAKE THE FANS HORNY.

So, my opinion on the portrayal of the French Revolution: CREATE YOUR OWN FICTIONAL REVOLUTION NEXT TIME AND LEAVE THE HISTORY OF MY COUNTRY ALONE.

[angelsdean]

ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.

[smokestarrules]

guess what I finished watching

[shorlinesorrows]

just got the time to start the sunshine court and I'm Vibrating out of my skin

[aeolianblues]

one last thing I will say on that topic. Americans getting upset about you calling out Zionism. When you're not talking about Judaism or in fact, about religion at all. When you're talking about a national military funded by a country that has been dropping bombs on the middle east since the 1980s. But then I suppose when people who are so so so comfortable with equating a whole religion, or further a whole entire group of multiple ethnicities, with simply 'terrorism', are criticised on any aspect of their wrongdoings of course they must think we're talking about their whole religion. Literally every word is a projection.

[dylanconrique]

i seriously can't wait to find out what angela and wesley named their daughter. 🥺💗

[iguessitsjustme]

Just remembered something that happened today -

Me: Oh. That's it. I'm in a bad mood. I'm grumpy today.

New coworker: You're in a bad mood?

Me: Yeah. I am very grumpy.

New coworker: Oh. I never would have guessed. You're like a bright spot amidst the gloom today.

Me: Oh no, I'm grumpy.

[thecherrygod]

I basically just had a dream of being back in highschool and i was crying by the end. This is new to me. I haven't been in hs in 6 years

[bahrmp3]

.

[torgawl]

i hate that i had to compile articles and data for my mother to read to prove my point on why the romani people are used as a scapegoat and they're not actually our enemies :/

[gemsmain]

at this point i think i'm pissed off enough at allistics (and tbh other autistic people who also became bullies) that not only am i going to stop trying to mask, i'm going to intentionally crank up the autism and weirdness and "cringe" to repel anyone with those attitudes