#i'm sure that would do wonders for my anxiety but be terrible for my mental well being | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

poisonlove · 7 months

Text

Study Session | c.s

pairing: Cairo Sweet X fem reader

Summary: Y/n is terrible in literature and needs a hand

Words: 11.58 k

"Miss Y/S, could you come here for a moment, please?" Mr. Miller asks kindly.

I blink in surprise and walk towards the lectern, my feet almost stumbling on the wooden floorboards. I blush with embarrassment, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Cairo looking towards us with seriousness, organizing her belongings.

I swallow nervously and bite my lower lip, my eyes first glancing at Cairo and then at Professor Miller.

Now is not the time to think about your one-sided crush, y/n I mentally scold myself.

I force a smile and look at the professor with genuine curiosity. "Do you need something, sir?" I say, smiling happily, trying to hide my nervousness.

"I'm not sure how to put this..." Professor Miller sighs and takes off his glasses, looking up to meet our eyes. My smile falters seeing the concern and distress behind his eyes. Professor Miller sighs and takes the assignment I had done last week in his hands.

"It's... It's a mediocre work," he says hesitantly, almost embarrassed.

"To be honest... If you don't do something that impresses me, Miss, you'll fail my class," he says with a tone of voice almost guilty.

My palms sweat, and I try to remain calm. I knew I was really bad at literature, but I didn't expect to fail the year altogether. But what can I say? No matter how hard I try, I can't adequately transcribe what I think onto paper.

"I'm sorry," I whisper reluctantly, deeply ashamed of myself.

Professor Miller gives me a gentle smile, tilting his head slightly as he places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"You have great potential," he states with conviction, trying to instill confidence in me. "But you simply have a few more difficulties," he concludes with a compassionate tone, seeking my gaze empathetically.

I stare into his eyes, noticing the intention of conveying moral support.

"Miss Sweet," Professor Miller calls Cairo's attention, making her focus on him.

"Yes, Professor Miller?" she responds with a radiant smile, her eyes shining for... some strange reason.

"Could you help Y/N?" the professor asks, looking at me sideways.

His request makes me feel slightly offended for not having a say, but at the same time, it puts me in a state of anxiety because I would have to work with the girl I've always liked.

Cairo's eyes focus on my figure with curiosity, making me feel nervous and embarrassed by her enchanting beauty. A small smile spreads across her lips before she looks at the literature professor.

Brown eyes looking at Mr. Miller.

"Alright," Cairo responds with a shy smile, which also makes the professor smile.

I raise an eyebrow in confusion, observing this strange scene with curiosity and a hint of suspicion.

Cairo's smile is kind but enigmatic, as if hiding something behind that seemingly calm façade. I wonder what it could be, but I decide not to delve too deeply into it at that moment.

Professor Miller seems pleased with her acceptance and nods with a pleased expression. "Great! I'm sure you'll make an exceptional team," he comments enthusiastically, encouraging us to work together towards our common goal.

"Cairo," says the professor, maintaining a dazzling smile, "if you succeed in the task, you'll earn an extra credit," he announces proudly, turning his gaze towards his student with a mixture of hope and trust.

Cairo smiles weakly, visibly embarrassed by the attention she's received.

"Well then," I intervene timidly, trying to dissipate the strange tension that has arisen, "shall we?" I add, looking at the girl I've always had a secret crush on with flushed cheeks.

Despite my shyness and the nervousness that overwhelms me, I strive to maintain a calm and decisive tone, hoping to convey confidence both to myself and to Cairo as we prepare to face this new challenge together.

(...)

"So... What do you think?" I say nervously, my hands fidgeting with the threads of my jeans.

I roll a thread around my finger and pull it, tossing it into the grass.

Cairo's eyes fixate on my paper attentively, her pupils moving along my essay with seriousness. The brunette lowers the sheet and looks at me carefully.

"Well?" I say, feeling my stomach tied up with nerves. "Hmm..." She starts hesitantly, tilting her head and leaning against the tree behind her.

The day was perfect, and we had mutually agreed to spend it outdoors doing literature. The rays filtering through the branches highlight Cairo's face, making her eyes appear light brown

She was... Beautiful.

"Is it okay?" She says timidly.

Cairo hands me back the paper, and I sigh in frustration. I could sense that something was missing.

"Come on... Tell me the truth," I say, looking at Cairo curiously. The brunette bites her lower lip and adjusts her posture.

"So... It's not bad, but..." she starts and bites her lower lip, thoughtful. "It lacks emotion... I don't see the passion... I don't perceive anything," she confesses, and I pout.

Darn it... I wanted the truth, but it was entirely heavy

"I knew I shouldn't have spoken," she quickly says, quickly moving her hand, noticing my frown on her lips. "It's perfect," she smiles broadly, and my eyes soften seeing how sweet and cute she was with that expression on her face.

The dimple was adorable, and her eyes sparkled when she talked about something related to writing.

"No... I asked you to be honest, and you were," I say quickly, smiling.

Her eyes look at me with curiosity, and I try to maintain eye contact as much as possible. "Okay..." Cairo murmurs before giving in to this staring contest, taking her notebook.

"I... " I start hesitantly, "have an old piece that I'd like you to read," I say timidly.

I was aware of the risk that she would realize it was about her, but despite that, I thought it was my best work. After all, I wrote it with all the love I feel for her.

"Oh... I'd be happy to," she says sincerely, her pearly whites showing her beautiful smile. Cairo's eyes light up at the mention of reading something, and she quickly reaches her hand towards me.

Shyly, I grab my backpack and search for my work, immediately noticing that it was sandwiched between two notebooks. My cheeks were red from embarrassment for having something so special to me crumpled and carelessly thrown in my backpack.

Cairo takes it without making any comment on its sorry state and begins to read it.

"In the twilight of our intertwined destinies..." The brunette had a focused expression, her voice soft and enveloping.

I wait with trepidation, observing every nuance of her expressions

"she emerges like an elusive shadow, a siren of my lost dreams, with chestnut locks like the earth." Cairo sighs "Her eyes, deep as the abyss of the soul, reflect falling stars and unfathomable secrets, like dark water on a moonless night, where the lost traveler wanders." Cairo suddenly stops, lips still suspended on the sentence.

Her gaze drifts amidst the words as a wave of emotion envelops her voice.

I remain silent, captivated by her interpretation.

The brunette continues, her voice now softer, almost whispered. "Her smile, a fleeting glimpse of light, a glimmer of hope in the darkness, yet also an echo of sadness in the relentless passage of time, a memory of what could have been."

Cairo voice resonates with the melody of the words, conveying every nuance of emotion contained within the text.

I was completely captivated by her facial expressions.

"Yet, amid the folds of uncertain destiny, remains a lost innocence and an unspoken love, an incomplete harmony, an unexpressed desire, like a melody interrupted in the night wind."

"In her breath dance promises of another life, where perhaps our hearts will meet, in the stillness of a world without end, where time is not the master of our destinies."

Cairo tightens the grip on the paper.

"But for now we part ways, like the waves leaving the shore, destined to wander alone in the depths of time. Yet, in the deepest recesses of my being, her essence remains engraved like an ancient melody."

As she reads those words, Cairo's tone of voice becomes soft and melancholic, conveying a sense of nostalgia and sadness. Her words are filled with emotion, with a slight tremor in her voice reflecting the depth of her feelings. Cairo seems to be carried away by the intensity of the text, and her reading is infused with an aura of melancholy and reflection.

"And so I venture into the night, with her memory as my guide, suspended between the pain of loss and the hope of return. In the silence of my soul, I continue to dream, hoping that one day our destinies will intertwine again."

After finishing the reading, Cairo remains silent for a moment, her gaze lost in deeper thoughts. I can sense her mind in turmoil, her eyes reflecting a mixture of curiosity and admiration. Then, slowly, she lifts her gaze towards me, a spark of interest shining in her coffee-colored eyes.

"Who is the muse behind this extraordinary piece?" she asks, her voice warm and full of curiosity, while her expression reflects a sincere desire to understand the hidden meaning behind the words.

I knew perfectly well that I couldn't say it was her, so I just shrugged nonchalantly. "No one in particular," I add calmly, even though my heart was beating rapidly inside me.

"Yet it seems so specific," Cairo observes, glancing at the paper.

Her words make me uncomfortable, but I try to maintain composure. "It's just a product of my imagination," I say with a forced smile, hoping to divert attention away from myself.

"The only certainty is that she's a brown-haired girl with brown eyes," Cairo asserts with a mischievous smile, and a shiver runs down my spine. "The classic always attracts, it seems," she adds, chuckling softly.

Her observation makes me feel like butterflies are doing acrobatics in my stomach.

"Don't be stubborn now," I blurt out in embarrassment, trying to deflect attention from the imminent truth that Cairo is about to uncover with her acute intelligence.

Cairo bursts into laughter, a sound so genuine and contagious that it makes me feel special. Her laughter fills the air around us, wiping away any traces of embarrassment and fear, and I find myself laughing along with her, feeling light and free.

Cairo stops laughing and smiles, a look of sincerity painted on her face.

"It seems you were good at freelancing after all," she observes with a light and friendly tone.

Her comment makes me feel appreciated and recognized for my abilities, and I smile in response. "Thank you," I reply with gratitude, feeling encouraged by her approval.

"I think Professor Miller will like it," Cairo continues, biting her lower lip, lost in her thoughts.

A strange sparkle lights up her eyes, and at that moment, I decide to ask her a question that has tormented me for too long.

"Cairo do you have a crush on Professor Miller?" I ask timidly, curious but also intimidated by the possible answer.

Cairo blushes deeply. "What on earth are you asking?" she responds sharply, clearly embarrassed.

"From the way you react to his mention..." I say with curiosity, "and also you're completely red," I add with a timid smile.

Cairo shakes her head firmly. "No, no," she responds promptly, "I admire Professor Miller, but I don't have a crush on him. He's old, and, above all, he's married." Her tone is decisive.

"Well, gray hair isn't very attractive, right?" I ask with a smile on my lips, while I observe Cairo nodding slightly, smiling broadly and showing her dimples.

Freckles surround her face as her hair falls gracefully around her shoulders.

Cairo looks up at the sky, which is turning orange at sunset, a sign that the day is coming to an end. "I think it's time to go," she says timidly, almost regretfully.

"Is the study session over already?" I say in surprise, pouting.

Cairo nods and smiles. "So, do you like literature now?" she winks, teasing me.

"Not exactly, but the lesson goes better with you," I reply, aware of what I'm saying and noticing the slight blush on Cairo's cheeks.

I realize what I've said afterward and feel terribly embarrassed. A wave of nervousness overwhelms me as I notice a hint of pink on Cairo's cheeks.

Oh darn, I want to die, I think dramatically.

Cairo looks away. "Well, see you tomorrow.""Ah, yes, of course! See you tomorrow," I reply, trying to hide my embarrassment behind a smile. I feel the heat rising in my face as the embarrassment grows inside me. "Thank you for today, it was... interesting," I quickly add, hoping to alleviate the strange tension that had arisen.

"Thanks to you," she says softly, her gaze warm and comforting.

With a smile on my lips, I watch Cairo walk away. Despite the day starting off badly, it ended in the best possible way.

#jenna ortega x reader #jenna ortega #jenna ortega x you #jenna ortega x y/n #jenna ortega x fem!reader #professor #miller's girl #cairo sweet x reader #cairo sweet #study session #fluff

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sirfrogsworth · 10 months

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Froggie's (Almost) Very Productive Day

I try to fit as many out-and-about chores as possible into a single day so I only have one set of post-exertional malaise consequences instead of consequences after each day of doing a thing. So any time I decide to drive, I try to find several tasks to accomplish all at once.

My first stop was the Family Services Division in the hopes of getting some help with grocery bills. I am making ends meet, but it seems to be getting harder each month. And maybe I could have skipped my trip to Florida and saved that money, but if I don't do something drastic for my mental health, I fear this first holiday season without a parent could send me into the darkness.

I needed to do an interview to finish applying for SNAP. I wanted to do a phone interview, but the next appointment was in January. So I went to social services where they allow walk-in appointments. I waited in a tiny plastic chair for several hours until they called my name. She yelled out "Benjamin" because when most people see "Grelle" they aren't really sure how to say it. (Rhymes with belly.)

She started my interview and it was going swimmingly at first. But then she started asking questions about the house and my inheritance and my trust. I had no idea what to tell her. It feels like a mistake now, but I have had pretty much no involvement in that process. I have no idea how it works. And I started to panic because she was acting like I was committing fraud or something by not mentioning the trust. But the entire point of the trust was to protect my benefits. Nothing is mine. I own nothing. I have no access. But I had no idea how to explain that.

Maybe my lawyer can help me apply, but I did not want them investigating everything and screwing things up before we even have the estate through probate. We specifically hired a lawyer and went through this convoluted process to make sure everything was on the up and up. But she really made me feel like I was doing something wrong. And that made me panic, which probably made me look even more guilty of something. So I just canceled everything and left.

After a few hours in a crowded government office, I decided to head to a different crowded government office.

I know I didn't need it until 2025, but I decided to go ahead and get my Real ID thingie before my first flight. I was kind of hoping they'd retake my picture because my current driver's license is... well...

And I'm so glad they took my big terrible picture and made it into a smaller, more terrible picture.

People complain about the DMV, but the one near me runs like a machine. It was filled with people and I still only had a 10 minute wait time.

I'm starting to wonder if all of those 80s comedians who were all, "What's the deal with the DMV?" were exaggerating.

Good stuff, Jerry.

I head up to the counter and ask for a Real ID. She asks for two pieces of mail and my birth certificate.

And this disappointed me a little bit.

I did my research. I went to the Real ID website and used their interactive guide to figure out exactly which documents I would need. They gave me this entire checklist and I printed it out and went through all my records and mail trying to find everything.

I had to wait a week for my internet bill to come because it's the only thing I forgot to change to paperless. This took a lot of effort and I was ready to be validated for being so prepared.

And she asks for two pieces of mail.

Any mail.

So I was off to get new tires.

Driving around on 8 year old bald tires was giving me anxiety. I didn't have the money for new tires, but I remember the guy saying they had financing. Recently several of my past debts went past the statute of limitations, and so my credit score lifted itself out of the pits of "poor" and into the realm of "fair." So I decided to take a chance and apply for a Discount Tire credit card. It's a 6 month payment plan with no interest, so that didn't feel as predatory as all the credit card offers I get in the mail with 8000% interest.

We started going through the approval process and I was answering all of the questions and then I saw the name of the bank offering the credit. It was the same bank that tried to sue me and also the bank that can longer collect due to the statute. I was worried they put me on some sort of list and would deny me. But, to my surprise, they approved me instantly. And wouldn't you know it, they gave me almost exactly the amount needed for a new set of tires.

I'm hoping we'll be doing another auction of the house stuff soon, so I plan to pay off the card and then cancel it, but this was the only solution I could come up with to drive safely until then.

I was having a weird day where photos of crusty rich wide dudes followed me everywhere I went. Here is my good ol' boy governor at the entrance to social services.

And at the tire place, I noticed this fella...

Why does every rich CEO think they are a font of wisdom capable of creating compelling quotes?

Does he think no one has ever said "work hard" and "have fun"? And after he said this was he like...

"That's gold, put that in *every* store."

"Oh, and use that picture of me where it looks like a handsome gal just grabbed my undercarriage."

He probably thinks, "Well, no one has put these specific generic platitudes together into a single mega-platitude. I am a genius."

"Be honest, work hard, have fun, be grateful, pay it forward" sounds like he had a bunch of motivational posters on his wall and started reading them all at once.

Like, every line could have a picture of an eagle above it.

In any case, the guy at the tire store, Dakota, was really nice. He made the experience very low anxiety. And he really liked my Thor's Hammer keychain with built in fidget spinner.

He went around showing it to all his coworkers. "Look, it even spins!" And they were like, "Dude, where did you get that??" And I was like, "Amazon." Now I'm just imagining 10 dudes at a tire store all fidgeting their hammers.

As nice as he was, Dakota was still a salesman and had a job to do. He gave me two tire options and tried to upsell me. The cheapest tires had a "1" rating for winter. He said they get "super hard" in the cold... I tried not to giggle. But I explained I drive about twice a month and mostly to the grocery store. If it is a bad winter day, I'll just wait or get delivery. He understood and set me up with the cheaper tires.

He then checked out my car and noticed my tire pressure sensors were dying. I keep getting a warning light on my dash. Apparently they all have tiny batteries in them that die after 7 years. And you can't just replace the batteries so you have to install brand new sensors.

And this is where my social anxiety got me into trouble.

I don't actually need these sensors. They are usually inaccurate. I prefer to test my tires with an actual gauge. But I got so caught up in his sales pitch that I agreed to replace them... at $60 each. For that I could have gotten the fancier tires. I really don't care if an orange light shows up on my dash. And I looked up the price online and a pack of 4 is $30. Though that is without installation.

But still... I wasn't thinking and he was so nice that I was just like, "I want to please Dakota. Saying no might make Dakota sad." Dakota's job is selling me but that doesn't mean I have to buy anything. He would live if I had said "no thanks."

To make my blunder more blunderous, when they finished the tires he asked for my key fob. And it decided that was the time for the battery to die. And in order to reset the system for the new tire pressure sensors, you have to press two buttons on the fob for 7 seconds. Thankfully I had a spare fob at home, but if I want my fancy new $240 sensors to work, I have to return to Dakota and have him initialize them.

I really hope these are the Cadillac of sensors.

Or, like, the ones they use on Cadillacs?

They better be accurate, is what I'm saying.

I do feel safer with new tires. So I am glad I did that. And I gave them a good obligatory kick and felt the tread. They seem nice enough even if they get boners in the winter. It's crazy how bald my other tires were in comparison. Like, I can fit half my finger down into the tread on the new ones—which did not get them super hard.

The way I drive, I probably won't wear them down. They'll probably start to rot before I do.

Before I do, meaning before I wear them down.

Not before I rot.

I am not in a rotting competition with my tires.

I was then off to Sam's. I decided all of my hard work accomplishing 2 out of 3 goals deserved some sushi. So I grabbed some California Rolls and headed home. On my way out, a Hummer and a Porsche nearly collided in the parking lot. And they sort of got stuck facing each other. One of them needed to back up and they both signaled at each other like "You back up, I'm not backing up." And it was just this weird standoff between the two douchiest looking cars you could imagine.

I mean, you have to be a douche to drive a Hummer.

I still remember the mystery Hummer dialysis patient from when my dad was going 3 time per week. We could never figure out who owned the Hummer, but we knew it was not the underpaid nurses and techs. So it had to be one of the patients. And none of them seemed the type. We never solved that mystery.

That hummer started off a delightful safety yellow. (Elon would cry.)

They decided this wasn't extra enough... so they did this...

Katrina and I could never decide... are these cow spots or the world's least effective camoflauge?

There was another patient who drove this old beater...

And I loved seeing this car because we had the same one when I was a little kid. I'm afraid the aesthetics of the 1980s Caprice Classic did not stand the test of time, but it had great sentimental appeal for me.

But this maroon beast that squeaked and sputtered its way from here to there belonged to a very sweet older gentleman. Sometimes he and my dad would be dialysis buddies—sitting next to each other in the recliners. And the worst thing about dialysis was the boredom. All you have to do is watch broadcast TV with 4 channels.

All of the TVs require headphones. They give you your own set of super cheap headphones in the dialysis welcome bag. They were very uncomfortable so I ordered my dad better ones with cushioned ear cups.

His dialysis buddy noticed them and thought they looked nice. And then he revealed that his free headphones broke and he didn't know how to get new ones. He had been watching TV with no sound for weeks. So, I bought another pair with the soft ear cups and my dad gave them to his friend. And it just made me happy imagining the two of them watching The Price is Right in matching headphones.

I do have to make fun of this sweet old man a little bit. When I walked passed his car I noticed he implemented the world's most effective anti-theft device ever created.

That's right... The Club™.

If someone decides they have to have a 40 year old car with an engine that sounds like a dying hyena and a hubcap missing... they are out of luck.

But hey, you gotta protect what is important to you. And if I needed a getaway car and my choices were between his beater and the Cow Hummer, I'd take his ride for sure.

Well, I'd try... and then get arrested because The Club™ is undefeatable.

Do NOT look that up on YouTube. It's 100% true. (And the Lock Picking Lawyer doesn't count due to him being able to break into Fort Knox with a paperclip and then doing it again to make sure it isn't a fluke.)

The dialysis center is in the same complex as my local Tolerable Schnucks and I still see that maroon boat of a car every once in a while. I always smile whenever it is there because it lets me know he is hanging in there and hopefully still has sound for his TV.

Wow, I went off on a mega-tangent.

I didn't even finish talking about my day. Where was I? Oh, the douche standoff finally ended. The Porsche Douche capitulated and backed up. Probably due to the fact the Hummer Douche has 0 visibility behind him.

When I got home I started devouring my sushi. I finally heard back from my lawyer. He submitted the last of the evidence for my appeal. And I was finally able to confirm he got the records of my ECT treatments from 20 years ago. I worked so hard to get those. At first, they forgot to send all records before 2011. I had to call back and figure that out. They shipped them and they didn't arrive until a week before we had to file. Everything was so last minute and my anxiety has been... palpable. It felt like when I did my science fair project on Sunday night.

He's hoping to get a decision at the beginning of next year. He warned me that these appeals are usually rejected. And that the most effective method of approval was a hearing in front of an administrative law judge. But that could be delayed by up to a year. So I might need to figure out how to survive until 2025. As long as my brother does what he is legally required to do, I should be okay. But counting on that also gives me palpable anxiety.

And that was my day.

Every time I go out is always an adventure.

But remember...

BE NICE. EAT YOUR VEGGIES. PET CUTE DOGS. DREAM BIG. KEEP YOUR TIRES WARM... FOR REASONS. 5 LIFE LESSONS -Froggie, Mildly Famous Internet Person

#long post

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utilitycaster · 2 years

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I think you and a lot of people are forgetting or disregarding that Imogen canonly has mental illness and an anxiety disorder and has had or hinted at suicidal ideations, she’s not a bad person. Flawed sure, but not bad. She apologized to orym immediately after. She’s just trying to understand her mother. So people need to stop hating on her for being “too sad or whiny or always crying.” So if anyone hates Imogen they are not allowed to stan Percy, Caleb or fjord or Vax. If one of the men was going thorough what Imogen was y’all wouldn’t have shit to say. Y’all are just hating to be hating.

In an impressive showing, almost every part of this question is incorrect, and I am going to discuss how.

Imogen does not "canonly" have an anxiety disorder (also, an anxiety disorder is a mental illness so the phrasing here is poor), and honestly, I would not even say her depiction hints towards her having one. I do think it's fair to say that she's been implied to have experienced suicidal ideation in canon. However, you equate that with her not being a bad person, and that's simply not how this works; an absolutely terrible person can also have suicidal ideation. Mental illness is neither a sign someone is bad nor is it a get-out-of-jail free card; it simply is. And someone's actions can hurt other people even if that person is also hurting.

I agree Imogen is flawed! I am pretty sure I haven't outright said she's a bad person, for what it's worth. I have definitely said that I don't think she's a good person, which is not the same as saying she's a bad person, if you have any capacity for nuance. I'm pretty confident that I have never said she's too sad or whiny or always crying, so I'm really not sure why you're sending this to me at all, frankly. Though, with that said, if someone does find that Imogen's frequent crying is annoying, that is their prerogative. Anyone is permitted to find any fictional character annoying for any reason, and it's bizarre and sad that you would make even this incredibly weak attempt to police that.

My criticism of Imogen in recent episodes has squarely centered on the fact that she is often unkind and inconsiderate towards other people and thinks the worst of them. You have only provided one example, of Imogen briefly apologizing to Orym - which doesn't stop her from still openly wondering if Liliana's side might be right afterwards. I mean, an apology is great, but there is a massive difference between "trying to understand why Liliana might have made the choices she did" and "openly and repeatedly wondering around people who have been killed and attacked by the Ruby Vanguard and who have lost family and friends to them if perhaps they might be right."

My criticism of Imogen is grounded in the fact that she seems to have little capacity to understand perspectives other than her own. Even saying this once to Orym, who has been searching for his husband's murder the entire time Imogen has known him, is crossing a line that a more considerate character would not. I think it's consistent with Imogen's characterization, and fascinating, because I don't think she'd see it that way! I think she genuinely believes covering your thoughts out of concern for someone's feelings is worse than openly expressing something harmful, because of her own abilities...but most people don't have those abilities. She really does not consider how people who are not psychic might feel, because she's so wrapped up in her own difficulties.

Which brings me to the part about past male characters. I think getting into this in any depth will be a tiresome contest of mudslinging so I'll keep it very brief: None of these four characters have openly entertained siding with the enemy in a potentially cataclysmic way, which is the source of the criticism of Imogen I have personally been levying. The closest we've gotten is Fjord, and he specifically decided that he would if necessary defy his parental figure's connections to an evil entity, and then personally went to stop said evil, twice, putting himself specifically in the line of fire. I think all four of these characters are also flawed people - that's what makes them compelling characters - but all of them are quite resolute when it comes to world-ending threats.

I also think that it's fascinating that when I compared Laudna to Fjord - in defense of Imogen, no less - it was considered reductive. In general, I found the fandom was, in fact, very hesitant to explore that Fjord was deeply traumatized and often criticized him without taking that into consideration. I bring up the gnarlrock fight so often because at that time, it was very, very common, actually, for people to place all the blame squarely on Imogen for simply being upset because Laudna broke something that helped her with the mental illness symptoms. Sympathy for Imogen from certain quarters - granted, not guaranteed to be yours, but highly suspected to be - seems entirely contingent on whether she's being openly upset with Laudna or not, rather than any other context. Anyway my point here is that I'd love if you could get off anon and show me all your posts in which you explore those four characters' traumas and their responses, because while I'm unimpressed by your question here, I'd love to see if this is a rare lapse and that you have spent time writing eloquent defenses of them. If you haven't, well, then I think we can both agree that you're just mad that other people have different favorite characters than you do.

So in conclusion, I don't think anyone could reasonably say I am hating on Imogen. I am very critical of her choices, but I've also repeatedly said that I find them quite interesting. I think that Imogen siding with the Ruby Vanguard would definitely make her a bad person, but also, I would understand why she thinks this way (I understand why Liliana does too!), I don't think it necessarily makes her irredeemable, and I would find it to be a great story. That's what this is: a story, with characters. I'd like it to be an interesting one.

#answered #Anonymous #imogen temult #cw: suicide mention

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clunelover · 7 months

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I am in such a great mood! I logged in to work computer today cause I was pretty sure it was the day raise amounts would be in the system and because of my leave I had missed the usual discussion with boss about how much the raise is (which - yay - that discussion is always so awkward, the boss will screen share and bring up a document showing your new salary, and where you fall in the salary band before and after, and you have to just plaster a smile on your face and nod while you try to mentally figure out the % and whether you're mad or accepting). So I went in and saw that I got 4.5% - not great but not terrible (I thought it would be more this year since they redid the salary bands and I'm now so far from the mid point...and again I say, glad I could just see the number on my own since I tried to temper my expectations but that is NOT something I'm good at).

Then I saw an email from my boss saying yes, the unpaid leave is okay, and we can discuss more when I am in on Friday. Thank GOD! I get to enjoy vacation! The more I thought about it the more I really really didn't want to work (I mean, DUH, but I'd initially just made peace with it. But it was a false peace!) especially because we can only afford to take a trip like this because of MY bonus at work, so what bullshit that would be if I got the money for a vacation and then had to work during it.

Then, I took C to a Cub Scouts event - last week, the scouts had gone around hanging door tags in a neighborhood asking for food donations, and today we went around collecting all the food. I was paired with another mom and son, and told which part of the map we were supposed to cover - each with our cars because if there's a lot of food it's good to have multiple trunks for it. I spent some time cleaning out my trunk and then drove to the part where we were supposed to start PER THE MAP but the other mom wasn't there! We waited a few minutes and then just started. I just drove slow and then any time we couldn't eyeball the front door from the car, I had C get out and look. None of the houses had put out any food! I kept wondering about the other mom but was able to put it from my mind. Then we eventually ran into them coming the opposite way, and I realized, oh duh we were actually probably supposed to start on opposite ends and converge in the middle. In the past this whole thing, the uncertainty of both the other mom and whether we did something wrong somehow since nobody had put out food, would have been verrrry anxiety provoking. Today it was only mildly so.

And C had been really whining about having to leave the house to do this, and asking if I could promise we didn't have to stay longer than X minutes, and in the end he really liked it! He loves having a job to do, so checking doors was a good activity for him. And then on the way home he saw a playground and asked to stop, so we did that too!! A great morning.

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fallinghorizontally · 1 year

Text

The cause of your anxiety is your mother

Mine is, that's for sure. I've been having panic attacks almost every other day for the past 5 weeks now. They happen because my body randomly shoots out a physical symptoms like fast heart rate, chest discomfort, a feeling of dread, or weird spasms in my neck. It's so hard because I can never know if it's something serious or not. It's hard trying not to completely freak the fuck out in the middle of a symptom and most of the time I will. Sometimes I'm able to get ahold of myself but sometimes even if I do, for a moment, I'm stuck with nothing but dread that will turn into anxiety again and I'll feel another symptom again. It's so hard to be brave and tell myself that I'm fine in the moment when part of my brain tells me its serious and to top it off the fight or flight just makes everything seem so much more dire.

Whenever I have a panic attack and my moms around, I run to her for help and perhaps comfort. I wonder why I do this. It's almost like an instinct. I know she will be of no help so why do I keep running to her. Before shit hit, I would get anxious and it was a direct cause of my environment, I think. I think that if I am constantly under stress and emotional hardship it will manifest itself as anxiety and physical symptoms. Of course, I haven't been normal for a while. I constantly check my pulse and do other shit that "helps" my symptoms or anxiety. But that was manageable. I could live my life peacefully and still do those things even if I knew it was not normal. Ever since I moved back home, my anxiety has increased so much and maybe that's why I'm now in this fucking cycle of panic and anxiety. My mom is is too fucking much. I play many roles in her fucking house. I am an assistant, translator, baby sitter, therapist, accountant, DOCTOR, advisor, and so much more. It is too fucking much and the worst part is that all that shit is expected. I can't even get a sincere fucking thank you. I barely ask for anything, just empathy and it seems like I'm asking for the deed to the world. She's religious and she tells her church friends all of my ailments and according to them my mental illness is because of evil. That my anxiety is caused by problems that go beyond the physical and my mom thinks that I am constantly thinking about my past traumas. I mean sure maybe but it disregards the fact that hypochondria and mental illness in general is very fucking real and I feel like she does not fucking listen. I feel so lost and lonely. To her and her fucking church friends, I am empowered by the devil and if I don't submit to their religion then I'm going to hell. Like why the fuck would you tell that to someone who's already going through so much mental anguish not to mention the fact that I am not even religious. I simply don't believe in the white mans religion which they've been indoctrinated into believing. I don't need my mental problems to be pushed aside and labeled as "evil spirits." I want to ask all those old hags to stop taking their fucking diabetes and dementia treatments and to trust God with their sickness. That little plastic box with Sunday through Saturday labeled on it? Yeah toss those the fuck out, God has your back sister! Just because mental illness is something they can't ever understand, it is treated as something other worldly and it pains me so much because I am simply not heard and threatened with eviction if I don't submit to my moms religion. And I don't do it because I simply don't believe nor do I trust those people. They simply would not understand what I am going through and they would tell me to pray it away. It is such hypocrisy. I wish you could see my mothers medication cabinet as well as the boxes of diabetes injections in the fridge. I just wish someone would listen and actually understand what it is I am going through. Instead, I just get more shit, threats, stress, and terrible advice from people who don't understand this kind of disease.

And it just makes me more anxious.

Oh and I mention their medications because I am currently taking lexapro (just started) and my mom is so against it. She says I'm just gonna be a fucking addict and all fucking stupid and that it's a clutch or whatever. Basically she's against modern medicine when it comes to mental health, something she doesn't understand, hence the hypocrisy.

#anxitey #deppresion #mental illness #hypochondria #religious trauma #emotional incest

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sortofanobsession · 1 year

Note

hi! i’ve genuinely read every single one of your roy/jamie fics and i’m obsessed with your writing!

i’d love an angsty established relationship fic — they get into a fight or break up but they’re trying to not have it affect the team or jamie’s playing but it’s hard when they have to see each other everyday. so the team + coaches try to parent trap them back together x

A/N There was a second ask that added this: i just wanted to add i love the way u depict darker themes so diving into their respective unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with the breakup would be amazing to read! x

I honestly wanted to keep what breaks them up vague, because I thought it was bit more interesting wondering. I have what I think it was, and I drop hits. But I might save that for it's own thing...maybe not sure.

Word count: 6k+

Ao3

Ted Lasso Masterlist

Paring: Roy x Jamie (Romantic), Jamie x Ted (platonic), Roy x Ted (platonic), Keeley x Jamie (platonic, formerly romantic), Jamie x AFC Richmond Himbos (platonic, duh, but Sam, Dani and Jamie are besties)

Content warning: Anxiety, nausea, mentions of vomiting, heavy drinking, mentions of violence, fear, paranoia, manipulation, injury, self-esteem issues, ptsd, self-deprecation, swearing/cursing/cussing, jealousy.

It’s Phoebe, so yeah

Roy had been staying with his sister until he could find a new place, and as much as he loved his sister and Phoebe, it was frustrating.

"Just admit you miss Jamie," his sister said as she sipped her tea as her brother prepared for training.

"Like a hole in my head," Roy says.

"You don't think just abruptly stopping his training will mess with his game?"

"So you think I should have stayed in a failing relationship so he doesn't suck?"

"I am just saying, don't take shit out on him or the team. You aren't the only one miserable here," his sister says.

"You think I'm that unprofessional?"

"You took your shit with Keeley out on Jamie, but the difference is, back then, he was a willing participant. Just don't ruin your career as a coach because you and your boyfriend had a spat and broke up."

Jamie is fucking miserable. He hates being alone. Dread had already had his morning shake threatening to make a reappearance twice before he made it to the Nelson Road car park. But he had nearly two decades of hiding his pain and misery. And heartbreak couldn't be as hard as hiding bruised ribs or broken toes, right? The team didn't have to know they split. How would they know that Roy had left him? Roy wouldn't tell them. He didn't like people knowing about his life. All Jamie had to do was go in, change into his kit, do his job, and he could go home and fall apart. He jumped slightly when someone knocked on his window.

"You good, bruv?" Isaac asks when Jamie gets out.

"Yeah, just a rough morning," Jamie says. He is already ruining his own plan.

"Try and shake it off. We have a brutal match tomorrow," Isaac says.

"Yeah, 'course," Jamie agrees as they walk into the building. "I'm sure I'll be fine once we get on the pitch, normalcy, yeah?"

"There we go, good vibes," Isaac says as they enter the locker room. Jamie keeps his head down and goes through the motions of getting changed. He mentally talks himself through the well-rehearsed process to keep his mind from wandering so he doesn't think about anything else. He must mutter something out loud because Cockburn gives him an odd look.

"Miss training this morning?" He asks Jamie.

"What?" Jamie asks, shocked he was so terrible at hiding shit these days.

"You are usually a ball of energy, but you're like a…live wire today," Cockburn says.

"Oh, yeah, slept like shit, so yeah, no training." He didn't have to tell him that it was because Roy didn't want to see him anymore. That Jamie had fucked up and ruined everything again. And now he was risking fucking up the team again. And he hadn't been this anxious for training since he came back to Richmond after getting booted from Man City. Yeah, he just keeps fucking up.

"Well, channel that shit into the ball. You're good at that."

"Yeah, thanks," Jamie says before he finishes changing. When his boots are laced, he doesn't wait to be told to head out. He just does. Maybe Cockburn is right, and he can work his shit out on the pitch. He is already out warming up by the time the team joins him. He doesn't notice the way Ted and Beard look at each other as Jamie silently joins them.

Roy does everything he can to avoid looking at Jamie. He won't admit it out loud, but he's a bit concerned about what he will see when he finally does. He hadn't missed what Cockburn had said or how Jamie had responded from where he was waiting on Ted by the office. He thinks about what his sister has said, and then Cockburn calling Jamie a live wire. But this is Jamie Tartt. Sure, he might have an off day, but he's young. He's talented. He'll bounce back in a day or two. He ignores the tiny voice of doubt in the back of his mind that points out Jamie never got over Keeley. If he did, it was because of Roy. So he might not get over it until he finds someone new. And that made something twist in Roy's stomach. The idea of Jamie with anyone hurt, even though Roy was the one that walked out. He had no right to be mad at a hypothetical version of Jamie. So he tried to focus on doing his job. He was thankful that Ted called for 11 on 11. That meant Roy wouldn't have to try and coach Jamie and the other forward players directly yet. Because he isn't sure, he is ready. That little voice is back, asking him if he ever will be. He has to finally look at Jamie when he misses an easy shot. And just looking at him, he can already tell Jamie is being harder on himself than anyone else could be. He knows that from the way Jamie waves off Dani and Sam, trying to cheer him up. Normally, Roy would go over, hype Jamie up, and get him over whatever is in his head, and it would be fine. But Roy's the problem this time. He knows it. He is the one that packed his shit and walked out on Jamie. And he can't do that to Jamie. He doesn't want to be that couple that breaks up constantly. No. He has to stay away from Jamie. It's for Jamie's own good. He's young. Being with Roy could fuck up his career. The little voice points out he already has. Jamie's a mess, missing wide-open shots and shutting out his friends. Jamie’s backslid, and it's Roy's fault. Roy really needed a drink. As soon as he got out of training, he was going to the pub.

Jamie is wound tight like a spring and rung out like a rag by the time training ends. He doesn't say anything to anyone. He just changed and goes home. At home, he doesn't eat or even change out of his clothes. He face plants on his bed, which still kinda smells like Roy, and tries to shut his brain off. He stays there until he eventually falls asleep after hours of tossing and turning. He wakes up, and everything is dark except for his phone. His phone is ringing.

"Hmm?" He answers.

"Jesus, Jamie, I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours. The team is freaking out. What is going on?"

"Roy broke it off," Jamie tells her.

"I'm sorry, babe, how you feeling?"

"Like shit," Jamie admits.

"Right," Keeley says as she thinks about it. "You get some sleep tonight. I'll let Sam know we talked. He's worried. And I'll come by tomorrow night, and we can talk, yeah?"

"Okay," Jamie says. He hangs up, double-checks his alarm, and goes back to sleep.

Roy goes to the pub but ends up just getting food and leaving. He was not in the mood to deal with annoying fans. Normally he just tells them to fuck off, but he just wants to eat his dinner and drown his sorrows. So he goes back to his sister’s, goes to her liquor cupboard, and grabs a bottle, not really caring what it is. He pours a glass of whiskey and eats his dinner. Phoebe joins him, and he goes through the motions of listening to her. He tries, but he just doesn’t have it in him to entertain her. But he doesn’t send her to her room or get mad at her. It’s her home, and he’s just crashing there. The glass doesn’t stay empty for long. He drinks a bit more than he probably should before he passes out on the couch. He wakes up with a hangover. He finds a bottle of water and painkillers left for him by his sister. And he hates himself for being so stupid and being a burden on his family.

Jamie’s stomach threatens to reject the small breakfast he managed to eat. But like the day before, he pushes through.

"You look like shit," Colin says when Jamie walks into the locker room to prepare for the match, they have later in the day.

"Good to see you too, Colin."

Jamie takes a nasty tackle during the match. He is so pissed at himself that nothing anyone says registers as he makes his way to the locker room. He'd come down hard on his wrist, and it was already swelling by the time he gets to there. The med team splints it and gives him an ice pack. He sniffles when he is alone in the treatment room. A voice that sounds suspiciously like his dad mentally berates him for being weak, for being soft, and a crybaby. He looks up to see Ted approaching him.

"Should be fine in a bit, don't use me hands in the game anyway, so should be good to go in-"

"Not sure that's the best idea, Jamie. Took a heck of a hit. You should rest."

"I'd feel better if I was back out there."

"Somehow, I doubt that."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, you have been struggling before that hit. Have been since yesterday. I figured you'd talk to someone eventually, but clearly, it is starting to impact your ability to play-"

"You're benching me because of this?" He gestures to his splinted wristed.

"I'm benching you because you don't look well, Jamie. And I tried to see if you could sort it out on your own, but short of calling your mom, I'm not sure how else to get through to you. Take a day or two and try and sort yourself out. Call someone if you need to."

"You're serious," Jamie says in disbelief.

"Go home, Jamie, rest up. Heal up. Check-in with you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yes, sir," Jamie says, his tone a bit cold. He goes back to the locker room and changes out of his kit. He leaves before the team even knows he's out of the game.

"You what?!" Roy shouts at Ted.

"Sent him home, he's injured, and clearly he-"

"He needs his support network, not to be sent home to overthink every mistake he made."

"For someone that walked out on the guy, you sure seem to be mad."

Roy has no comeback for that. All he can do is send a text to Keeley asking her to check on Jamie. And Keeley leaves the match early to do so.

"When was the last time you ate?" Keeley asks him when he lets her into his flat.

"Earlier," Jamie says.

"Did you eat after they gave you pain meds?"

"Not hungry."

"Tell that to the future ulcer in your stomach from taking painkillers on an empty stomach."

"If I eat a sandwich, can I go back to bed?"

"Jamie, I know you are hurting, but you can't just sleep all day."

"I'm not allowed to train. I can't focus on shit. I'll heal faster if I sleep, so seems fine to me."

"You aren't resting to heal. You're depressed. I know breakups are hard, but you can't just-"

"Yes, I can," Jamie says.

"Jamie," Keeley was shocked by how defiant he was being. He had been a prick in the past, but this felt different. This was him determined to wallow in sadness.

"Sorry," he mutters before going to make a sandwich he didn't even want but would eat because Keeley said so. "No guarantees it stays down," he adds.

"Are you sick?" She goes over and feels his forehead, and he lets her. But he knows he isn't sick sick. It was just in his head.

"I'm not that kind of sick," he points out. He taps his head. "It's in me head. I just, I think about having to go to training. About having to see him. About letting the team down again. I feel like I'm back trying to get accepted at Richmond all over again, but I just keep fucking up, and everyone is going to hate me. And I can't even train to be better because he was the one training me, and I try to eat, but my stomach won't let me. I try to sleep, and I can't and-" He doesn't realize he is crying until Keeley hugs him.

"It's understandable to be anxious, babe," she drags him into the living room and sits him down. She gets out and orders him something she thinks he can eat to be delivered and something for herself because she has a feeling she isn't going anywhere for now.

After they eat, Jamie falls asleep snuggled against her on the couch. Her phone buzzes, and she checks it. She rolls her eyes. It's Roy asking if Jamie is okay for the sixth time.

Keeley: if you are so concerned why not see for yourself

Roy-o: I'll only make it worse

Keeley: how

Roy-o: because I am the reason he is this way

Keeley: no shit

Keeley: that means you could also fix it

Keeley: you're an idiot and a right prick you're both miserable

Keeley: you could fix it for both of you but you won't

When Roy doesn't respond, she gets frustrated. She texts Ted.

Keeley: I got Jamie to eat, take something for his wrist, and sleep.

Ted: how bad is he?

Keeley: he is an anxious and heartbroken mess that has himself worked up that he is letting the team down

Ted: which only makes it seem like he is failing more which makes it worse and he's caught in a spiral of bad. Got it.

Keeley: I'll stay with him tonight but I have to work tomorrow.

Ted: don't sweat it. We'll handle it.

Keeley: thanks Ted

Roy is the last one in the office, and the locker room is empty. Everyone else had gone home after the game. No one was in the mood to celebrate. An injured and benched striker could really hurt their chances in the league. Roy had thrown his phone across his desk after rereading the texts from Keeley. He gets a bottle of scotch out of his desk drawer and pours himself a drink. He wanted to check on Jamie himself. He wanted to make sure that Jamie wasn’t beating himself up for someone else tackling him. But he knew he couldn’t. He had been the one that put Jamie off his game. His phone goes off.

Ted: You’re right. He needs his team.

Ted: He will still be at training but he is not allowed to train.

Roy leaves him on read and drains the rest of his drink before heading back to his sister’s place.

Keeley is trying to coax Jamie to eat the next morning when his doorbell rings. She finds a smiling Dani Rojas and a concerned-looking Sam Obisanya.

"Oh, hi," she gives them a tired smile.

"Coach said Jamie needed friends," Dani says.

"And breakfast," Sam adds.

"He does," she nods and lets them in. "Look who dropped by, Jamie."

Jamie immediately gets up from his spot on his sofa but relaxes a bit when he sees it's just Dani and Sam.

"Hi guys," Jamie says.

"I have to run home before work. Text me if you need anything." She hugs Jamie. "Let them help you," she whispers to him. "They care about you like I do. Don't fight them." She feels him a nod. She gives Jamie a kiss on the cheek, which earns her a small smile. "Okay, babes, see you all later."

"How is your wrist?" Sam asks as he sets the takeaway containers on Jamie's coffee table. Dani hands him a paper cup. And Jamie smells the lovely scent of coffee, and he almost cries because Keeley is right. His friends are there because they care. They don't hate him. He hasn't actually ruined his relationship with his teammates. Maybe it was all in his head.

"I…fuck, it's good to see you guys," Jamie says, and he does have tears in his eyes.

"Of course, mi amigo," Dani smiles. "All you have to do is ask. We will be here."

"But we cannot help you if we don't know what is wrong," Sam says. And Jamie tells them everything because he can't keep it in, and he is a fucking mess. But Dani hugs him and tells him he is okay that he isn't bad or a failure.

"You haven't ruined anything," Sam says. "Well, nothing that cannot be fixed. If you need someone to train with, just ask. Might not be 4 in the morning, but a few extra hours could be good."

"And we can do it together," Dani agrees. "Always more fun with more friends."

"You guys would do that for me?"

"Of course we will, you are our friend and our teammate, and this could help all of us be better, but not until after your arm is healed. Until then, we can still keep you company." Sam finds the remote and turns on the TV. He finds some mindless show that will work as background noise or a distraction. And they all settle in to eat.

A few hours later, Sam has to leave to help his dad at Ola's, but Ted swings by to take his place for a bit. Dani and Ted fill the quiet and put Jamie's mind at ease until Dani leaves in the afternoon. Leaving just Jamie and Ted.

"How you feeling?" Ted asks as they eat a light dinner.

"Better, actually. Like my thoughts aren't so loud, and I can eat without it coming back up."

"That's good, Jamie," Ted smiles at him. "You know I didn't send you home as punishment, right? I knew you were struggling, and I was going to call and check on you after the match. I was worried, but being with the team was making it worse, so I figured you needed a breather. Maybe I should have waited until after the match, but you do need rest, Jamie. Maybe not the time away from the team, but you need to let yourself relax. And I know that being alone ain't helpful when your head gets caught up in everything, but running yourself into the ground isn't good for you. You don't have to hide it, though. No one will think less of you for being in a rut. You have friends. You haven't failed anyone. You've worried them, but the team knows that this isn't the normal you. They aren't mad. They want to help. Let your team help you."

"It's just hard because…" Jamie can't say it.

"Because Roy is there?" Ted finishes for him. Jamie nods. "I can't imagine that is easy to deal with. But you aren't alone. You have the team. They're a good buffer and a great distraction. Now that Sam and Dani know, they'll help you. Keep you out of your head. Hopefully, keep a few of the others from asking questions."

Jamie groans because he knows the whole team is going to know now, and they will probably blame Jamie or Roy, and it could get even more awkward. He doesn't want anyone to be mad at Roy. He wasn't even mad at Roy. He missed Roy, and having to see him every day didn't make it any easier not to miss him. He was so fucking close, but it wasn't the same, and it hurt Jamie's soul.

"Jamie," Ted starts. "This is just another obstacle you have to learn to navigate. Can't be avoided, but it can be overcome. You might need a bit of a boost from your buddies, but you can, and you will get past it. It just takes time. It will get easier."

"Thanks, Coach," Jamie says.

Roy gets a text from Ted that Roy's going to be working with the defenders and reserves for the time being. And Roy knew this was coming. When Keeley told him, he was an idiot. His sister was right. He needed to find a way to make this work, or he'd have to leave Richmond. He couldn't let his issues ruin Jamie's career. And Richmond was good for Jamie. Yeah, it was Roy's home, but Jamie thrived there. He was hours away from his fucking old man. So he was safe from that bullshit. He had friends on the team that loved him. And he had Ted. Roy could find a new team if he needed to. He didn't want to, but he wanted Jamie to get better. And he did want Jamie to get better. But fuck, he didn't know how else to fix this. Jamie deserved better.

A few days go by of Roy coaching the defenders. He tried to ignore the way Sam and a few of the team members would look at him. It made Roy feel uneasy. Most, if not all, of the players, knew that he'd left Jamie, and that is why Jamie was struggling. They knew Roy could see Jamie suffering, and as Keeley figured, he was just being a prick by letting it go on. They didn't know that they had fought over stuff they do all the time. That Jamie would be better off with someone that wouldn't ruin his career if the press found out. That Jamie deserved to be with someone his age. The nights are filled with liquor, and Roy’s mornings are usually a blur from being hung over.

Keeley and Sam meet Ted and Beard at the Crown and Anchor.

"We have to do something," Keeley says as she takes a pull off her drink. "They are both miserable, but Roy thinks Jamie is better off without him, even though Jamie is clearly not better off."

"How do you know Roy thinks that?" Beard asks.

"Because his sister told me so, that and he has been drinking more than usual, and as much as Phoebe loves having her uncle around 24/7, his sister knows it isn't good for Roy."

"Okay, so what do we do?"

"Make them realize they are idiots in love and are at their best when they are together."

"You want to Parent Trap them?" Ted asks.

"Exactly!" Keeley grins.

"But how?” Sam asks. “Neither of them are parents."

"Technically, they aren't,” Keeley states. “But I know at least one child they both would do anything for, and her mum is willing to help."

Keeley drops by training with Phoebe a week later. The match the day before had been a draw, and tensions were high. But they all knew something had to give. She leaves Phoebe with Ted and goes, as planned, to see Rebecca.

Roy has no fucking clue how it happens, but one minute his niece is fine kicking the ball around with a few players. The next moment she is crying. Jamie is, of course, faster than he is and is physically closer to her. He is there before Roy even realizes what is going on. Even with his splinted wrist, Jamie picks Phoebe up and takes her inside. Ted tells Roy to go with them, and he'll find out what happens. Roy doesn't need to be told twice. He finds them in the treatment room with the med team looking over Phoebe's ankle. She sniffles, but Jamie is on the treatment table next to her, talking her through it. Her small little hand was in his. Jamie gets up when Roy enters and looks like he is about to leave. "Your Uncle's here now. You'll be-" Jamie starts to say, but Phoebe interrupts him.

"No!" Phoebe shouts and sniffles. She whispers something neither can hear to the medic, and the medic leaves. Both Roy and Jamie gape at Phoebe as she hops down off the table and hurries out the door. It slams closed, and they hear it lock behind her. Roy tries the door, but it doesn't open.

"Phoebe, open the door," Roy demands.

"No! Not until you two fix it," Phoebe's muffled voice shouts. "You love each other. So fix it!"

"Open the door now, Phoebe!" Roy shouts, and Jamie winces at the volume in the small space.

"No!" She repeats.

"Did we just fall into a trap set by an 8-year-old girl?" Jamie asks. And Roy grunts.

"She has a key," Roy points out. "Which means she had help."

"Is it even legal to have a door lock like this in a public building?" Jamie wonders.

"Probably not, but she had help, and if Beard was in on it, then we are fucking stuck."

Jamie goes to put his hands in the pocket of his trackies and winces as it moves his sore wrist.

"She didn't make it worse, did she?" Roy asks, now worried Phoebe just made Jamie's life even more difficult than it already was.

"It's fine," Jamie says, now fiddling with the velcro on the splint and staring at the floor. "She's not that heavy."

"I know," Roy starts. "But if it's bad enough you can't play, then-"

"It's fine, Roy," Jamie repeats. "It's Phoebe. Wasn't just going to sit there and do nothing."

"Even if it made your injury worse?"

"It's Phoebe, so yeah," Jamie shrugs. "You might not like me anymore, but I'm not going to-"

"Who says I don't like you anymore, Jamie?"

"Leaving with your bag and avoid me like the plague since has made that crystal fucking clear," Jamie says. "I'm going to visit my mum after the match in Blackburn. So you can get your shit if you want."

"Jamie," Roy starts, but he doesn't know how to finish. It is awkwardly silent. Because Roy asked for this, he wanted Jamie to move on. But even when Jamie was a prick to him and literally toasted to Roy's death, it didn't hurt this much. Because he hadn’t loved Jamie back then. And now, Jamie was guarded. Cold. He made Jamie this way.

"Thought so," Jamie muttered. He pushes past Roy to the door. "Phoebe, I know you mean well, but can you please open the door? No matter what happens, you still have me. You have my number. You can use it. And I'm not mad you tricked us. And your uncle won't be either if you open the door," Jamie kept his tone just loud enough for her to hear through the door but not in an angry shout because he wasn't mad. He was numb. It was quiet for a minute before they heard the door unlock, and then it opened. Jamie gives Phoebe a sad smile. "Thanks, Phoebs." He pats her head with his good hand. "I owe you a quid," Jamie says, and he heads to the locker room.

"Are you mad?" Phoebe asks Roy.

"Not at you, kid," Roy says honestly.

"Are you mad at Jamie?" She asks.

"Fuck no," Roy says. He sighs. "I'm mad at whoever gave you that key. And myself, because I think I did more damage than I thought I did."

"Oh, is Jamie's hand okay?" She asks.

"I think so," Roy assures her. "He doesn't mind if it is sore. He cares more about you than he does his wrist. And he's right. No matter what happens, you still have both of us. If you want to talk to Jamie, you can. Be kind of shitty of me to take away another person in your life."

"I know," she says, her tone sad because both Roy and Jamie were still upset.

"Let's find Keeley, and you can make her get you ice cream."

"Okay," Phoebe says.

"Fuck you," Roy glares at Ted as he throws the key Phoebe had given him before she left with Keeley. Keeley had already received a full Roy speech about using his niece in a childish plan. Roy goes and pours himself a drink because he is beyond done. His day is fucked, and there is no way he can do without something to take the edge off.

"Hold on, let me-" Ted starts to say, but Roy is not having it. He growls as he slams the drawer of his desk and is back in the main office.

"Fuck both of you!" Roy shouts at Beard too. "What gives you the right to fucking do what you did? She is a fucking child. You had her fucking lie to me. My own fucking family! You risked Jamie Tartt hurting his wrist worse because, of fucking course he wasn't going to let an injury stop him from helping Phoebe. He loves her like his fucking own. If you ever think of involving Phoebe in your fucking Rom-Communism bullshit again, I will punch you in the throat. She is a child!” He glares at Ted. “You are a fucking father! You should fucking know better! And this isn't a fucking movie! Things are never that simple, and you only made it worse! Because now he fucking hates me more! Made that perfectly clear! So stay the fuck out of it!"

Roy storms out of the office. A few players and staff members hurry to get out of his way.

"Well, that's not good," Ted says, looking over at Beard.

"Nope," Beard agrees.

"Hey, Ted," Keeley says later that day when she calls him. "I need to warn you that-"

"Roy is very angry, I know," Ted sighs.

"Well, yeah, but I think we did some additional damage to Jamie." She says.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I called to ask if he wanted me to pick up dinner and come see him, but he said not to bother. He just wants to get his stuff ready for Blackburn and for going to his mum's. Told me he wasn't mad, but he is just done."

"What do you mean done?"

"I don't know," Keeley admits. "He says he cleared it with Rebecca and Higgins to take the week after the Blackburn match off. He's going to Manchester. Just wanted to give you a heads up."

They load the bus for the 4-hour drive to Blackburn, and it is oddly subdued compared to the normal liveliness of the team. Everyone knows Jamie wasn't going to be returning with them. He'll be at the game, but he is taking the train to Manchester after. Jamie had assured his friends he'd be back in Richmond after a week. He didn't see his mum much, and with his wrist being fucked anyway, he was going to stay with her.

The trip there was an uneasy one.

Jamie and Dani Rojas shared a room. Normally he roomed with Sam or even Roy, but Sam had admitted to helping Phoebe with her plan, and Jamie had said he wasn't mad, but he still wasn't happy. He forgave Sam before the match, but nothing changed.

Roy paces around his hotel room after the match. Jamie had told him he was going to see his mum. But knowing he was and seeing him leave were two very different things. He had watched the team say goodbye. Some members of the team gave Roy pitying looks, and a couple of them glared at him. But Jamie had barely looked at Roy. And that had Roy's chest feeling painfully tight. He still loved Jamie. He couldn’t deny it. He’d already eaten the food he ordered and more than one beer. Only stopping when he realized how stupid it was to keep drinking like that. Jamie didn’t mind if the people in his life drank. But he was not a fan of drunks. Jamie’s father had thrown a few too many bottles at him while pissed. Roy ended up leaving the rest of the pack in the hotel room fridge untouched. He needed to get his shit together and drink until he passes out because of the idea of falling asleep without Jamie beside him fucking hurt.

After a mostly sleepless night, Roy made a decision. He had everything set before most of the team was probably even awake. He went and knocked on Ted's door.

"I am going to Manchester."

"What?" Ted was half awake.

"I'm going to Manchester. I won't be on the bus."

"Going after Jamie?" Ted asked hopefully.

"Might end up a fucking disaster, but I'm going to go."

"Good luck," Ted says. "Let me know how it goes."

Jamie thinks he's losing his mind when his mum answers the door, and he can swear he hears Roy. He makes his way to the hall and hears her arguing with someone. When he rounds the corner to the stairs, he freezes. It was Roy.

Roy's eyes meet his, and he can see how tired Roy looks.

"Fine," Jamie hears his mum say. "But you upset him, and I will throw you out. This is my house."

"Understood," Roy says, looking back at Georgie. She disappears down the hall and into the kitchen. Roy steps further into the entryway and closes the door behind him. He looks up at Jamie again.

"Hi," Roy says.

"Eh…hi," Jamie says. "What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk?"

"Sure," Jamie makes his way down the rest of the stairs and leads Roy to the living room. Jamie waits silently.

"I don't want to get my shit. I don't want to find a new flat. I…want to go home."

"You want me to move?" Jamie asks, annoyance in his tone.

"Fuck no," Roy says. "Not really home if you aren't there."

Jamie just stares at him. Roy sighs.

"Phoebe was right. I need to fix this." Roy gestures between Jamie and himself. "I know I fucked up. I just keep thinking you would be so much better off with anyone else. Someone that isn't an angry and broken idiot."

"But what if I don't want anyone else? What if I'm happy with an angry and broken idiot?"

"Are you happy?" Roy asks bluntly.

"Been a shitty few fucking weeks," Jamie says. "But I was happy before that."

"Even when I pick fights for stupid reasons?" Roy asks.

"Even then, because when we fight it out, the sex is fucking awesome," Jamie grins but it fades. "Not so much when you leave and don't come back. Even when you had the chance."

"I didn't want to make things harder for you," Roy admits.

"Harder? Roy, I couldn't eat or sleep unless Keeley, Sam, or Dani stayed with me. I fucked up my wrist and couldn't even play. It was already too fucking hard. And after what happened with Phoebe, I didn't even want to see them. I just shut down. Went numb."

Roy grimaces. "I thought it would be better for you in the long run if you had the team. You would find someone new."

"I don't want anyone new!" Jamie shouts. "I just want you."

"I know but-"

He is cut off by Jamie grabbing his wrist and dragging Roy upstairs to his childhood bedroom. "Fucking look!" Jamie gestures to Roy's poster on the wall. "I told you I fucking loved you. Loved watching you play. Then I said I love you for you. Fucked up knee and-" Jamie goes over and takes the plastic whistle off the wall. "And your stupid fucking allergy to whistles." He throws it at Roy. He points at the poster again. "You fucking think I would want anyone else? I used to fucking dream of this, you fucking prick. Quit trying to fucking fight me, and let me love you."

Roy stares at the whistle as everything Jamie just said sinks in. Jamie loves every version of Roy. He can see that now. And it's a violent and terrifying feeling of love at times. But he feels it. And Roy is moving before he even knows what he's doing, but he just needs to be with Jamie. He feels like shit when Jamie isn't there. He pulls Jamie in and kisses him.

"I can't fucking sleep either," Roy tells him. "Could only drink until I could actually sleep. Seeing you struggle and not being able to help was eating away at my fucking heart. Fucking shattered it when you told me you wanted me to move out."

"I never wanted you to leave, and if I was there when you came to get your stuff, I'm not sure I could have kept it together. I'd have lost my shit and either begged you to stay or just cry. So I gave you an out."

"I don't want an out," Roy puts a hand on Jamie's cheek and wipes away a few stray tears that were there. "I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you, you fucking bellend." Jamie kisses him desperately, hoping to make his point. "No one is ever happy all the time, not even Ted. It's how you handle the shit times that matters. You can't just run away, Roy."

"I know, and I won't. Not like this. Not again." Roy holds him close.

"Fucking good," Jamie says. He even nudges Roy until the older man is sitting on his bed. Jamie goes over and kicks his door closed. "Now fucking prove it."

"Fulfilling those childhood dreams of yours?" Roy grins.

"Fuck yeah," Jamie says as he straddles Roy's hips.

"I fucking missed you," Roy growls before pulling Jamie into a kiss.

"Missed you too," Jamie says against his lips.

"Fucking love you, you know that, right?" Roy grunts when Jamie shifts his weight, and he hits Roy's clothed and half-hard dick.

"Yeah, I do," Jamie grins. "Fucking love you too. Now shut up before my mum hears you." Jamie kisses him. Roy swallows Jamie's moan when in a quick move, Roy pins him to the bed.

If Jamie's mum hears them, she doesn't say anything when they finally make it back downstairs. She gives Roy another lecture about taking care of her son before telling Roy he is welcome to stay. Roy thanks her but says he booked a hotel. She even serves him tea.

"For how long?" Jamie asks.

"Didn't want to assume you'd just accept me back," Roy says. "Or that your parents would even let me in."

"Thought you'd have to prove it, yeah?" Jamie says. The striker smirks when Roy chokes on his tea. Jamie had told him to prove it in his bedroom, and Roy had fucked Jamie under Roy's Chelsea poster.

"Goodness, Roy," Jamie's mum took the mug of tea from him as he coughed. "Are you alright?"

Roy nods. His eyes were watering. "Yeah, I'm good," Roy manages when he can breathe again. "Sorry," he says.

"No need to apologize. Just try not to inhale it this time," Georgie insists. She hands him back the mug.

"Thanks," Roy says. Jamie laughs.

"Fucking finally," Someone says as Roy and Jamie walked into the locker room together a week later.

"Fuck off," Roy glares.

"We're just happy for you," Sam says. "Feeling better?" He asks Jamie.

"Yeah, thanks, mate," Jamie grins and puts his hand over his heart. "Didn't know you all missed me so much. I'm touched."

That earns a mix of laughs and boos.

"Well, I'm glad you are back, mi amigo," Dani hugs him.

Jamie hugs him back. "Me too, mate, me too."

4 notes · View notes

werewolfdays · 2 years

Note

Fluff #20 please

it's a good thing I label things in my docs cause I wouldn't have remembered which one this was (at least I hope this is the right one) 😬 Anyway SO sorry this took ages and ages to get to, but I'm happy that I'm easing back into writing again and I had fun with this one. Hope you enjoy!

20. Sender lifts receiver’s chin, invoking eye contact.

The annoying sound of my alarm pulled me out of a deep sleep. I grumbled and slapped at my phone on the nightstand until it shut up. Once an enticing silence filled the room, I rolled over and groggily reached out for her in the space next to me. Finding the bed empty was always a more effective means of forcing me into consciousness. A part of me will always be afraid of waking up without Jayde – of having to relive the grief that losing her put me through.

Luckily, when I shot bolt upright to search for her in a confused panic, I saw the note on her pillow. In my drowsy state, I snatched it, and fell back onto my side of the bed with a dramatic bounce. After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I absentmindedly fumbled for my glasses on the nightstand.

Had more bad dreams and didn’t want to wake you. I’m going out to do night shift patrols. Might do morning too. Don’t worry, I’ll be home by noon. Love you. -J

My lips pursed as I sighed. Nightmares had crept up on Jayde out of nowhere for the past several nights. It’s kept the both of us up and I quickly ran out of ideas to ease her torment. Seeing her grow progressively more exhausted every day was hard to witness. I could only do so much for her and I felt helpless when the mental lows dragged on longer than usual. Being there for her made me feel a little less useless, so I became disappointed that I hadn’t been roused when she suffered.

Searching for threats all night and all morning with hardly any sleep didn’t exactly sound like a good solution. Jayde probably banked on patrols tiring her out enough to get a somewhat decent rest later. At least, I hoped that was her motive. Jayde’s coping mechanisms could be unpredictable.

Now that I was sufficiently worried, I put the note down and pulled myself out of bed to start the day.

I powered through a distracted breakfast, going back and forth on whether or not to send someone for her. Jayde could get hurt out there. I’m sure Skye or Toby would agree to check on her if she didn’t return when she said.

Being burnt out wouldn’t stop Jayde from defending herself if she had to. My girlfriend was a force to be reckoned with on bad days just as much as on good ones, I needed to remember that.

But then the possibility of her falling into a panic attack made me anxious. There had to be a hundred terrible things swirling around in her mind that had been brought to the surface during her recent nightmares. With her guard lowered from a lack of sleep, I feared the slightest thing might trigger a reaction. She should never have to endure that alone.

Noon came and went without any sign of Jayde. My anxiety rose as the sun readied its descent. Not even the few patients that came to see me in the clinic took my mind off of things. All kinds of scenarios ran through my head the longer her absence continued and I wondered if this was how Jayde felt whenever I made her worried sick.

I decided to close the clinic a little early and make my way to the Den. Toby nodded as I approached the bar. He wordlessly started to make my usual after work tea, but I had an important question. “Have you heard from Jayde at all today?”

He shook his head. “Isn’t she on patrol?”

Disappointment sunk in my gut. “Yeah. Since last night.”

“Oh.” Toby tried to hide it, but I still caught the alarmed glint in his dark brown eyes.

“Exactly,” I said with a heavy sigh. “Do you think you can go out there and bring her home?”

A pained expression twisted his features as he lifted a regretful shoulder. “When she gets like this… she doesn’t really listen to me much. It’s always a dismissive excuse until she’s done wearing herself out. I’m sure it can’t be that much longer.”

Waiting didn’t appeal to me at all. I chewed on my bottom lip and tapped my fingers on the bar in thought. “I think I might know how to get her to come back.”

“How?”

“I’m gonna have to go out there myself.”

Toby completely stopped what he was doing. “Now that isn’t a good idea, Nadya.”

“It’s been days since she got a decent rest and she’s been out there since before the sun came up,” I pointed out. “She’ll follow me home herself to keep me safe.”

“And be pissed that you went into a restricted section of the property, ‘cause, you know, you could get bit or mauled.” Sarcastic as his tone sounded, the words were true.

I shrugged. “At least she won’t be thinking about her bad dreams.”

“Jesus,” Toby scoffed. “You sound like her, you know that?”

I forced a casual smirk to stoke the resemblance. “I’ll bring protection, it’ll be fine.”

“Nadya, seriously, let me at least go with you.”

“That’ll defeat the purpose. Jayde will just make you be the one to escort me back.”

He threw his hands in the air. “You’re supposed to be the responsible one!”

“See you at dinner,” I chuckled softly and turned on my heel to head towards my room.

I retrieved my hiking bag out of the closet, but hesitated before closing the door. Toby was right, Jayde won’t be happy about the fact I crossed lines I shouldn’t. If I came prepared, though, she might not be as upset with me going out to find her. After the moment passed, I steeled my resolve and pushed coats and clothes aside.

I put it in the closet, right?

Halfway into rummaging through our stuff, it clicked. I remembered that I put it behind the bookshelf because Jayde kept her weapons in the closet. There were very limited places that I could keep it away from Jayde, yet close enough to grab during an emergency.

I reluctantly knelt down beside the tall bookshelf and slid my fingers in the space between the wall and the shelf until I felt an edge of the long, thin box that I had not touched since the day Jayde gave it to me. The first week I lived here, she had presented it as a gift after I asked for permission to hike some of the trails on my own.

I pulled the sleek box out and flipped it open with a snap. Inside, the silver knife that belonged to a dead hunter remained pristine in its sheath. Untouched. Awaiting a purpose I hoped would never come.

Not a single bone in my body ever intended to use this knife. Honestly, I had been more than a little horrified when Jayde gave me a weapon capable of hurting her so badly. I didn’t want to own anything silver. However, she had been adamant about the knife keeping me safe from any wolves that might get the wrong idea or ones unable to control their urges. I told her I would carry it with me whenever I went out on my own, but I was convinced I didn’t need it. After a few trails had been marked for my safety – as well as any other humans that visited the Lodge –, everyone knew where they needed to go on the property. That should be good enough.

I sighed and attached the weapon to my belt. It felt wrong.

With how massive the perimeter is, I studied Jayde's map of the property marked with patrol routes. I didn’t have a lot of daylight left, so I made a guess on where to start and hurried off.

The entire forest felt calmer than usual as I navigated the twists and turns carved out into the earth by both boots and paws. I understood why Jayde came out here to soothe her demons. There really wasn’t any better medicine for a troubled mind than the expansive world of crisp air and lush greenery. For a moment I felt unsure about venturing out here, but I wanted to be certain that she was okay.

Using some of the tracking skills I picked up from Toby, I eventually spotted a cluster of fresh pawprints in the soft dirt, possibly alluding to a recent patrol. I headed in the direction they went and kept my senses alert for any movement as I entered a restricted section of the property.

I didn’t really feel afraid in the beginning, though the forest seemed to grow denser around me the deeper I went. It swallowed me like a maw full of gangly teeth. Wind groaned through the branches like a ghostly howl. The thick brush served as perfect camouflage for most of the common coat colors I’d seen on other werewolves. I wouldn’t know if I had a shadow until they wanted me to know. For the very first time, I became unnerved in these woods.

The pace of my steps slowed significantly to not drown out any potential footfalls that weren’t my own. I didn’t want to prolong my time across boundaries, but I also didn’t want to abandon caution either. With any luck, the only people aware of my presence at all would be the patrol.

I briefly wondered if I might get into trouble for coming out here. Maybe they had citations for humans that visited the Lodge and violated certain rules. Although, I felt unsure if there even was an official rule since I hadn’t seen any other humans stay on the property. I guess I’ll find out, but any repercussions will be worth it for Jayde.

A snap of a twig made me flinch, my hand immediately flying towards the knife on my hip. After a quick scan of my surroundings, I convinced myself it had been nothing to worry about, and continued on the trail. I shouldn’t let the paranoia and guilt cause my emotions to fluctuate. Jayde mentioned the scents of negative emotions could overwhelm some wolves.

I must have hiked at least a mile into the woods without many signs of the werewolves I knew roamed around in these parts. Jayde could honestly be on the other side of the property, meaning I not only wasted my time, but I put myself in potential danger for nothing.

This will definitely put her in a wonderful mood. Great work, Nadya, I thought and rolled my eyes at myself.

Dusk started to bring darkness. A flashlight rested in the pocket of my backpack, but I wasn’t eager to explore in the night. I made the reluctant decision to turn around and simply hope I’ll run into Jayde on my way back. Maybe she had returned to the Lodge in my absence.

I only traveled a handful of paces when I suddenly heard a low, guttural growl that seemed to vibrate through the loose earth under my boots to shake my bones. My entire body froze. Invisible fingers of ice tickled at the back of my neck. No way would I be able to reach my knife in time if this wolf chose to attack, but I slowly turned my head to the side to at least calculate my chances of running away.

A light gray wolf stood with their ears pinned back and their hackles raised as another chilling snarl rumbled out of their chest. But I realized they did not direct the warning at me. No, they faced another wolf.

This rust colored wolf’s gaze kept shifting from the gray wolf to me, and I realized that the gray one stood between us purposefully. They were protecting me. I noted that the yellow eyes of the rust colored wolf twinkled almost hungrily in my direction. Their intentions, while not fully clear, didn’t come off as friendly in the slightest. In fact, I got the impression that I had been stalked for an unknown amount of time. The gray wolf took an aggressive step towards them, hackles raised, and the russet wolf finally backed down. With an indignant shake of their ruff, the mischievous werewolf bounded off and disappeared into the forest.

A massive sigh of relief allowed me to relax all of my tense muscles. I opened my mouth to thank the gray wolf, but they turned around to fix me with the same displeased glare. Their quiet grumble informed me of their irritation at my presence just as much as words would have.

“I know, I know,” I admitted sheepishly. “I shouldn’t be out here and I’m really sorry. I was just looking for Jayde.”

Their icy blue eyes narrowed. This had to be one of her patrol partners.

I attempted to reason some more. “I know you know that she’s been out here too long. I’m worried about her. She needs to come home now.”

The wolf gave a disgruntled huff, but then tipped their head towards the sky and released a long howl. A couple silent beats passed before answering howls ignited the forest. No matter how many times I heard a werewolf's howl, it was no less entrancing. If I listened closely, I could pick out her beautiful voice from the chorus. I guessed that my protector heard it, too. They nodded at me to follow them and I wasted no time trying to keep up with their quadrupedal form.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I recognize you like this,” I said to break the silence. Not that they could answer me with words, but I could still guess. By their stature and the look in their eyes, I thought I had a decent idea. “Are you Lee?”

An ear flicked back towards me, followed by an affirming grunt.

“It’s a good thing I got it right the first time, huh? This could have been awkward,” I joked.

The silent glare I received was very much not amused. I decided to shut up until he brought me to Jayde.

A little while later, I picked up on the telltale rush of the river that ran all the way down the valley into town. A small clearing opened up by the bank where a group of wolves waited for our arrival. Some of them seemed to enjoy the break from patrolling. A pair were curled up together and playfully nipping at each other's ears. A few lapped at the running water and shook dirt off their coats. One stood guard on top of a large boulder, though they looked rather unbothered in the presence of their company.

Every pair of glowing eyes turned towards me as soon as I set foot in the clearing. I might as well be lit up by a spotlight. It felt like the first time I had to give a presentation in school. Their gazes scrutinized me for interrupting their work and I certainly couldn’t blame them. The best I could do was finish my business quickly and get out of their way. Nerves tightened my throat as I searched the wolfish faces for Jayde.

Then a familiar large white wolf appeared from the other side of the boulder. She stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw me. I offered an apologetic smile. “Hi, Jay.”

Jayde shook her ruff with a low grumble and approached me with purpose. On all fours, her shoulders were well above my hips. She used the advantage of her height to thoroughly inspect every inch of me. Her golden eyes briefly flashed towards mine when she noted the silver knife. I allowed her to find reassurance in my armed and unscathed state before I explained my unexpected appearance.

“It’s gonna be dark soon.” I tentatively reached out to run a hand through her coarse fur. The patches behind her ears were always the softest. “Are you coming home?”

While she didn’t shrug off my touch, she still lightly growled in displeasure. Jayde gently took my sleeve between her teeth and led me away from the clearing. Once we were far enough, she released my shirt and nudged me further ahead with her nose. I noticed that she threw a glance towards Lee, who wordlessly took his place by my side again. No words needed to be spoken for me to understand she was sending me back without her.

I planted my feet. “Hey, wait a second, you’re not coming with me?”

Jayde motioned up at the setting sun through the trees and shook her head. Patrol doesn’t switch shifts until after sundown. I had a sneaking suspicion that she’d still be out here by then.

“You promised to be back by noon,” I reminded her. When she wouldn’t look at me, I lifted her chin until the deep amber glow of her eyes met my mundane ones. “I’ve been worried about you all day.” My index finger scratched at the soft fur under her jaw, but she still held her ground. I sighed. “Look, if you really need to stay, then I’ll leave with Lee, but I’d really rather it be you.”

She hesitated for several seconds, her intense wolfish gaze locked on me. It was always harder for me to tell what went on in her head when she was a wolf, but I held on to the hope that maybe Jayde would give in to her exhaustion. My silent wish turned into reality as soon as her ears finally folded back. She nuzzled into my hand with a low whine and I placed a kiss on her forehead with a smile, which made her tail tuck in.

Such a puppy sometimes.

“Let’s go,” I said, fondly brushing my fingers across her snout. Then I turned to the gray wolf. “Thank you, Lee. I’m really sorry again.”

He gave me a single nod in acknowledgement and returned to the others. A better reaction than I thought I’d get.

Our trek back to the Lodge went by slowly. Whatever facade Jayde had put on for the others to hide her exhaustion crumbled once it became just the two of us. Her pace was sluggish and her head hung low. She even stumbled on a root. To help her conserve what little energy she had, I remained fairly quiet. Not that we could have made much conversation anyway. All I wanted was to get her home and in bed. Surely the long, undisturbed rest she’s been needing will finally come.

The lights from the Lodge in the distance served as a beacon once the sun had fallen too low to offer me any useful light. Jayde may be by my side, but I still looked over my shoulder every now and then for the shadow I had earlier. That wolf must be long gone, but it still unnerved me that they had followed my trail for an unknown amount of time before Lee shooed them off.

Before long, the warm embrace of our room filled us both with relief. I shut the door behind us and headed for the bathroom. “I’ll meet you in the shower,” I told Jayde just as she started to shift back.

I let hot water wash away all the grime and soothe my muscles from my impromptu hike. It felt so good that I simply stood under the showerhead and closed my eyes for what had to be minutes. Only when I felt a familiar presence enter the shower behind me did I open them and turn around.

Jayde looked even more worn out in her human form. Dark circles hung under her half lidded eyes. Her usually straight posture slumped like her head weighed three times more than it did. I noted a slight wobble in her legs from running around all day. Not a single regret plagued me. She’d definitely still be out there pushing herself to the bone if I hadn’t gone for her.

“You could’ve gotten hurt,” she scolded before I got the chance to say anything. Even her voice sounded heavy.

I smiled warmly and reached out to cup the back of her neck. Jayde was too tired to protest the shower-drenched kiss I pressed to her lips. I felt some life breathe back into her when I gave her mouth a few light strokes with my own. She parted her lips and swayed into me, her hands landing on my hips to find balance.

“Get under the water,” I softly instructed. “Let me wash you.”

Jayde found her resolve for a moment after we broke apart. “I’m serious. Don’t do that again.”

I switched our positions and pushed her hair back as the steaming water flowed over her body. Then I kissed her again with the intent to subdue her worries as well as my own. Her muscles went slack and her lips followed mine when I pulled away. “It was a one time thing, I promise.”

She released a sigh of relief and rested her forehead against mine. “Okay. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“You’re home now,” I murmured.

Jayde’s lips delicately caressed mine once more. “I am.”

I took it upon myself to methodically clean most of her body. I started with her hair, massaging shampoo and then conditioner into her scalp. Her eyes remained blissfully closed for the entire thing like she was at a spa. I held back laughter. Then she rested her head on my shoulder, practically melting against me as I dragged a washcloth up and down her back. A part of me thought I should have drawn a bath.

“Did Lee spook you?” she mumbled into my skin.

“What do you mean?”

A quiet hum echoed off the tiles. “You were afraid earlier. I could sense it.”

“Oh.” At first I wasn’t sure if I should tell her about the other wolf, but I knew she’d hear it from Lee if she didn’t hear it from me. “No, there was someone else out there. They got a bit too close, but Lee sent them on their way.”

That made her lift her head up to frown at me. “Were they stalking you?”

The worried furrow in her brow needed to go away, so I lied. “No, I’m pretty sure we just stumbled across each other’s paths. They blended in really well with the forest.”

My words seemed to appease her for now. That or she didn’t have the energy while I was safe in her presence. Jayde relaxed back into my arms. “Alright. I’m glad you had your knife. Especially considering it’s been behind the bookshelf since I gave it to you.”

Of course she's known this whole time.

“I hate that thing,” I admitted.

“Take it with you more. Even on the safer trails.”

“Jay –”

“For me, Nadya,” she quietly pleaded.

“Okay,” I agreed. To lighten the mood, I went for a different subject. “Are you gonna be up for some dinner after we get out?”

“Honestly, I just wanna sleep for a week.”

“That’s about how much you need to catch up on.”

“I fucking feel it,” she groaned.

I kissed the side of her head. “Let’s finish up, then.”

Once we were both clean, I took Jayde’s hand and led her out of the shower. She looked about ready to pass out at any given second. Getting dressed seemed to be too strenuous a task for her tonight, so I picked out some comfortable clothes and helped her into them. Only then did I start to feel the toll on my own body. While I had gotten more sleep than Jayde, I still missed a full uninterrupted night’s rest for several days in a row. It might be considered a bit too early to turn in for the night, but neither of us cared.

With one of Jayde’s flannels comfortably on my shoulders and the softest pair of shorts I owned on my hips, I jumped into bed and let myself sink into the mattress. “This is what dreams are made of.”

Jayde managed to chuckle at my dramatics. “You are way too tempting.”

I glanced over to see her standing at the edge of the bed, eyes tracing my bare legs. Desire won out and she delicately brushed my thigh with the back of her fingers, bringing forth a wave of goosebumps along my skin. A knowing smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Come here.”

At the sound of my beckoning voice, Jayde carefully crawled on top of me. Her lips landed on mine with a passionate, yet lazy cadence. The sensations calmed everything from my heart to the air that left my lungs, making time itself seem to slow down around us.

Our legs became as entwined as our shared sighs of tranquility. Jayde could smell emotions. I wondered if she could taste them, too, because nothing felt more reverent than her clipped breath passing through my parted lips. Or the way the silky heat of her tongue graced mine.

Her mouth traveled to my neck where she placed a few wet kisses that were more chaste than I expected. I felt the bridge of her nose nuzzle just underneath my ear as she whispered, “I just want to fall asleep with you.”

I played with her hair, curling the damp blonde strands around my fingers. “Then close your eyes.”

“What if I just have more bad dreams?”

“You won’t,” I said confidently. “They’re done with you for now.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I said so.”

Jayde’s soft chuckle tickled my skin. She kissed my pulsepoint one more time and pushed herself up. Curiosity made me blink as she reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my glasses. A laugh pushed out of my lungs as she placed them on me with intent and gave me a playful peck. “Will you read to me, my love?”

I wanted to make a joke asking if this is how we get freaky in bed, but the tired and adorably expectant look on her face caused me to focus on nothing else besides her earnest request. I retrieved my current novel from the nightstand. “Of course.”

Jayde happily nestled down against me. With a long-winded sigh, her body completely melted on top of mine like a warm weighted blanket. I opened the book and propped it up on the back of her shoulders. As soon as I started to read aloud, I felt her relax even more. She found a spot in the crook of my neck to rest her lips until her measured breaths evened out to the steady rhythm of sleep. I still read on for quite a while, knowing the vibration of my voice would keep the nightmares away.

#asks #anon #original story #original writing #original characters #werewolves #my writing #my ocs #me @ me: ok this is a prompt you can keep it short *writes ten pages*#this has been sitting in my wips forever too and I almost gave up on it #but I couldn't get the end fluff out of my head #I'm happy that I was able to finish it #I also like writing Nadya being risky and maybe not making the smartest decisions #but she loves Jayde and worries so easily #Nadya pov

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buckysmith · 2 years

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Heya, I saw that you do matchups for the MW2 guys and was wondering if you could do a matchup for me? :]

I'm female (but I use all pronouns), I'm 5'5", and german. I can write and speak pretty good english, but my only problem is sometimes pronouncing words and the grammar. I got black dyed hair with two red dyed streaks. My hair is little longer past my shoulders. I got blue/grayish eyes and I am on the chubbier/curvier side, and i'm kinda insecure about it.

I love to wear band t-shirts and hoodies but also sometimes crop tops but only with a thin cardigan on top of it. When I do my makeup I usually do puppy eyeliner and red/purple eyeshadow.

To my personality, i'm actually quite shy, I actually had a pretty bad social anxiety back then but nowadays its not as bad anymore. But I can also be a cocky/sassy if I want to be. When someone is talking shit about me, they sure can expect to get something back. But besides that i'm quite friendly, caring sweet and a bit lazy but i'm working on it. But I also got some special type of humor, mostly 18+ humor.

When it comes to my hobbies, I love to draw, mostly characters and I shot airrifle in my freetime,

But I hope this isn't too much and I already say thank you!^^

Hmmm I’m not quite sure who I’m gonna match you up with, hmmm, do I match you with some British man or a lovely Austrian….

I guess I’m taking one of the British guys

I guess I’m gonna take John Mc fricking Tavish.

He would love your accent so much and he doesn’t care that you miss pronounce words from time to time, he would definitely ask you to teach him German, but he would fail terrible at it, he wouldn’t understand anything but “Hallo” or “Guten Tag”.

But he’s a Scottish man and sometimes you would have a little problem understanding him, some words are just blabbering mixed with random English words even as someone who’s an native speaker, cause Scottish is something else… something really weird.

He absolutely adores your curves and if you let him he will constantly touch you, just to feel you makes him so incredibly happy (even if it’s just your hand) and expect a LOT LOT of praises. He will make sure to show you how beautiful you are and that everything about you is perfect the way it is, but he would help you if you want to work on yourself, be it on your mental health or your body or just doing something and being productive instead of doing nothing

He also loves your style, and maybe just maybe he would dye some of his hair in the current color of your hair. (He would do it, definitely)

If you ever meet König it would be over for him, he isn’t really a jealous typ of boyfriend but König speaks your language, he has social anxiety as well and somehow your humor and your general personality matches his so…- is this some kind of a German Austrian alliance?

He would definitely stay next to you, trying show König that you’re already taken

You wouldn’t notice what’s happening but the Austrian would, smirking under his mask like a maniac knowing the Scottish doesn’t understand anything if he speaks German so he would tell you to act normal while he spills the tea with you how your boyfriend try’s to intimidate him

After that you should give your boyfriend a little break, maybe tell him some joke maybe even some 18+ one… but tell him anything but something about half a dog, thanks to ghost he’s traumatized

Did I say that he praises you? Well I say it again, seeing the things you made (your art) just impresses him and he wants to show it to everyone (if your comfortable with)

#john mctavish #John mctavish matchup

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chili-mango · 5 months

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Highly dislike how wistful, nostalgic, and yearning I'm being for our relationship lately. Because it DIDN'T WORK. In fact, it didn't work TWICE.

I miss having someone I can cuddle. I miss having a confidante, and someone I can come home to. I miss having someone who thinks I'm special and loves me and makes me laugh and who thinks I am beautiful and worthy and valuable.

But GOD DAMN do I not miss being bombarded by text messages telling me about how you don't see a reason this life is worth living while I'm at work. GOD DAMN do I not miss the anxiety I'd start to get when it was time to head home, not sure what sort of mood you were going to be in and whether or not I'd have to deal with your rancid, self-hating vibes all night. GOD DAMN do I not miss having to either choose between investing my emotional energy into reassuring you I did, in fact, love you and think you were a wonderful, worthy person, or choose to emotionally shut you out in order to protect my mental and emotional peace. Because it was a lose-lose scenario; if I spent the energy reassuring you & doting on you, any boost I was able to give you would be gone the next morning. If I shut you out, you'd cry and feel worse and accuse me of not loving you or thinking you were valuable or "good enough."

There was NO WINNING. You didn't love yourself, you didn't like yourself, you didn't think you had value, so you would never remain believing I loved you and could see your value.

And GOD DAMN do I not miss how that ate away at me and made ME feel like I had no value--- especially not as anything besides a sugar mommy or a caregiver. Especially when I would go to you over and over again and say "I need you to get a more stable job, I need you to work on your mental health; I can't carry us financially, I can't carry us emotionally."

And then when speaking generally about how I was feeling and what was putting stress on me didn't work, I started LITERALLY WRITING US CONTRACTS, hoping that specificity would give you the tools you needed to help me get my BARE MINIMUM NEEDS MET. But it didn't.

You couldn't meet those bare minimum requirements (no, that's not a value judgement, please stop making everything about how terrible and useless you are, you still have value, can we not derail to your issues when I'm trying to ask you to address mine?) And when I showed you that you weren't filling my needs, you explained that it wasn't your fault. You explained that there were outside circumstances. You explained that 2 out of 3 bare-minimum needs being met wasn't bad. You explained that you were improving and you just needed more time til you could be a partner that I could rely on to make me feel safe, respected, & prioritized.

I know you didn’t want to hurt me. Genuinely I do. But GOD DAMN do I not miss how much I abandoned myself to try and help you, believing that if I just loved you hard enough and delayed my own gratification, because you were so wonderful, so valuable, it would be worth it when you could finally be the partner I believed you could be.

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overanalyst556 · 1 year

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Announcement!

Hello, I wasn't expecting to make this today. I was originally going to do this tomorrow but due to some issues, I have instead decided to do this today.

As for those of you that have not seen the posts, I have been considering leaving Tumblr due to the chaos that was happening in the community. But while I have come to a decision, I guess I Should explain the reasons why 'm doing this.

First is my content. Now I understand that people are busy right now and that's fine, I'm not forcing you to like my content, But I just wish someone would give it a shot and check my essay on which I spend hours on it. The first History related thing I ever did, The Black Death essay got 9 notes while the Korean War essay only has 1.

While I mainly do the blog because history is my passion, It sucks to hear that people almost, if not pay attention to what I do. But that's the least of my problems, Although still a big one.

The second and possibly main reason is the Tumblronpa fiasco. Now, I haven't been here long enough to see how Tumblronpa works, But I have been told of it, Hell I made an oc. But after the drama that went down about that the last few days, I'm genuinely staying away from that now.

I don't know when this drama started, But I think it started when the mod for a Tumblronpa by the name of Dash started getting anon hate from a different source ( the person of which has never been found)

Now I bring Dash up because that might have been the start for me to think about the risks of being on a Tumblronpa, though not enough for me to quit. But things get stranger when another content creator by the name of Mentally Eli disappeared for a while ( She has since returned)

After this, I was starting to get a little nervous not gonna lie, but It still wasn't-enough. But then come the Aliza -chan situation and that's where my hope was shattered. Aliza almost died not once, but twice because of anon hate. It got so bad that she had to leave Tumblr, which was a smart move from Aliza not gonna lie.

But still, that situation and the fact that one of my friends and mutuals tried to off themselves because of anon hate, pretty much shattered my hope of ever being on a tumblronpa. I was fucking terrified.

If you don't know, I'm terrible with anxiety and stress since I was little. Often times I wonder why I exist if I just have no purpose. Keep in mind, I'm a teenager and this whole suicide situation scared the shit out of me.

And really It was the Situation with Aliza- chan as well as Mama Lexi( Although Lexi's was something entirely different from that and had nothing to do with Tumblronpa's or anon hate, Still I highly recommend that you don't disturb her now cause she's not in the best mood) That finally pressured me to make this post and have my overall thoughts on it.

I'm not in the best mood right now and the situations that have been going on have been increasing my stress levels up the roof and my fears of Tumblronpa hate altogether.

But let's get to the big question: Am I leaving Tumblr? Yes and No. Let me explain.

While yes, I said I thought about leaving Tumblr, I'm not willing to delete my blog because of the friends I made on this site as well as the fact that history is my passion. But I won't lie when I say that I Need some time off from this to calm down.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a break from Tumblr. The ask box is still open, So feel free to send stuff there ( Though I highly doubt you will) and I will be sure to answer them When I come back.

My discord is still open as well, Though don't expect me to answer often on it. I will still answer If I have the time.

As for Tumblronpas? I'm done with it. I refuse to participate in one after what happened, and as well as my mental state not being the best right now, I don't think I can handle the death threats that come my way.

If this means I'm dropping out of Eden's Garden and Lumnieres roleplay blogs, then Yes, I Unfortualney have to drop out. Also, the picrew that I made Samuel in is no longer there, so I can't do any more sprites with him sorry.

But still, I'm staying the hell away from Tumblronpas in general now. If you want to ask me to join a Tumblronpa, I'm sorry, But I will have to decline. No Tumblronpas, No roleplay, I'm done.

Overall, I think that's my reasons for taking a break from Tumblr. I wasn't expecting to make it today, but I guess so. This year has not been kind to me, with some issues going on at home as well as some finals I have to finish up, Plus the fact that people don't care for my content and the whole Tumblronpa situation has broken my mental state.

Let's be honest, No one is going to care about this post or won't even see it. Honestly, I get so used to being discarded and ignored, That I just don't care anymore. No one cares and that is that, I just wanted to get my thoughts off my mind.

So, yeah I will be taking a break, I don't know when I will come back, but Maybe when I get my shit together. I hope you guys have a nice day and this is goodbye for now...

#sam talks

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mika-shion · 2 years

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Messy, Midnight Thoughts

Ah midnight... A wonderfully terrible time for a mind to wander amongst its own thoughts, whether they be good or bad, right or wrong, profound or basic, whatever. Midnight is the time for us overthinkers to either delve into the best or worst parts of ourselves.

Any number of things could be keeping me up tonight. My past friendships/relationships, the mountain of mistakes, cringy or embarrassing memories, or being terrified about the future and its uncertainty.

But no, tonight I am kept awake by a horribly sour stomach.

That being said though, it does give me more time to sit and think.

Every day that goes by it gets harder and harder to not acknowledge the numerous situations that I was ill-prepared for because of my questionably subpar schooling, amongst other things...

Most everyone's story is different, right? Well... While mine isn't packed to the brim with heartache nearly as much as others I know, each one has felt like one truckload after another. Each one being heavier than the last.

As I sit and dwell on some of these thoughts, I find myself realizing just how much weight I give to each of my thoughts and some of them have been made heavier, seemingly by choice.

What I'm saying is that, just like everyone else, I decide what ideas or concepts or whatever are important to me specifically and, at first glance, it seems like I've taken on unnecessary baggage that I probably shouldn't have.

However, upon closer inspection, I have also realized that I'm not entirely sure who I would be without some of these. Which worries me, not as much because of the uncertainty, but it's more so because these particular ideals/thoughts/feelings or whatever they are are a huge part of what's causing me the most grief at the moment, and it's caused me to consider letting them go.

"Well what are these thoughts or feelings" you might be asking, that's easy - some of it is my guilt, my conscience. Some of them are ideals or promises to myself that I've held on to for about as long as I can remember.

Y'see that's part of the trouble with my mind - Even with things that most would consider to be simple decisions, they become a thousand times harder when I begin to wonder why I stop to think about them at all. But see if I didn't do that, I know for a fact that I would come across as a much more heartless person than I actually am or want to be.

I feel like ever since I started seeing therapists at a young age, the concept of metacognition somehow ingrained itself into my mind. I instantly became obsessed with it without even realizing.

I trained myself to think about thinking before stopping to think because it helped me avoid conflict. (Yes that was a sentence I just wrote and you read)

Every new thought comes prepackaged with its own special flavor of anxiety just for me.

And you know what's worse? I experimented to see what it would be like if I didn't do this as much... Maybe about 4 or 5 years ago now.

It didn't end well and I somehow lost the ability to do it for a period of time. I've started trying it again recently and... It helps, I've gotten faster with it, and on top of spiking my anxiety it's also now extremely draining mentally and physically.

I normally save it for periods when I'm meditating, reflecting on what it is I want, what I've done recently to achieve these things, the conversations or interactions I've had, and why I did or said any of what I did.

See this feels so fucking weird to talk about... Because it feels like a thing that should more or less happen automatically, or at least it seems to with other people. Or maybe it's just another case of others being able to process information faster than I can. Which is fine, sort of. I've been trying to come to terms with that for a little while now, but it's a lot harder when I know there are things I can do to improve my ability to focus.

And the worst part is that every time a problem like this comes up, I'm always left to wonder if this is even something that anyone else struggles with, or if this is just another instance of me having missed out on some important class or whatever in school that would have explained even a fraction of this issue.

Either way, leaving me to feel inadequate.

I suppose there isn't much of a point to this anymore, I'm kind of just jotting down whatever comes to my mind in an attempt to lessen the load and maybe get some sleep.

All I can say is if by some chance I'm not alone in this particular issue, then please let me know. But if I am, then... Idk I just hope no one else has to deal with this at any point... Cuz good God does it suck lol

Anyway, love y'all and I hope you have a good week!~

#mika-talks #adhd #autism #metacognition

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sabertoothalex · 2 years

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One of the exercises my therapist has had me do before is to put some kind of form to my anxiety. She says that being able to picture it as something worth having empathy for, maybe a cute little rabbit or a younger version of myself, would help me transform it from hostile entity to something able to be soothed. I've never been very good at this exercise. Sometimes I'll lie and say I've done it just to move on but the actual form it takes is usually the same. It is dark sludge coursing through my body. It is viscous and slightly shiny, thickly reflecting myself back at me. It burns when you touch it, it stinks when you smell it, and knowing that it is always inside of me makes me want to scream. How are you supposed to deal with that?

This poem appeared in a book I'm currently reading. The book is about how to write and this chapter was specifically about the different voices in ourselves, our "mental illnesses", that keep us paralyzed and unsure. It had an immediate impact on me. I've never seen this exact sentiment put into words quite this way before. The first time I read it I was slightly confused and unsure what I thought about it. It seemed mean because by the end it appeared to confirm my worst fears about the subject: that they're a disaster and demand unreasonable things from those around them. This quickly flipped on a second read, of course this is satirical, and by my tenth read I felt as thought I had found some great truth inside of it. Like the best writing, and sometimes poetry specifically is best suited to this, it introduces a scalpel to some feeling deep in you. It cuts it out and lays it down, separated from the rest of you, able to be turned over and looked at and examined in a way that you couldn't before when it was buried inside of the pieces of yourself that give you life.

The concept of the group meeting discussing whatever latest stupid thing you've said or done spoke to so many moments in my life. It's something that has been happening in my mind for my entire life basically. The idea that somewhere out there the people you've entrusted yourself to are speaking of you negatively, they're out there pouring over your words to find flaws, plotting how to hurt you. It feels comical to type out, this grand conglomerate of Kingdom Hearts-esque villains, sitting with their arms crossed atop massive chairs, deliberating on how to deal with you. I'm extremely susceptible to the kind of thinking the poem describes though. My brain is in a fairly constant miasma of wondering if I said the right thing, have I made a complete fool of myself, is everyone around me secretly having conversations about how terrible I am. At the heart of it is desperately wanting to be accepted in the face of what my brain is telling me is for sure rejection. I feel like this need for acceptance is fairly universal, and I feel deeply for everyone out there who struggles like this as well.

The book contextualizes it in relation to writing and the voices that grind against us, triggering paranoia and deep uncertainty. It says that the poem is an example of turning ugly feelings into something "artistic and true." I melted when I read this. I'm not saying anything unique here about turning bad feelings into good art but I do think it's sometimes hard to imagine positive coming from negative. And the second part was what really hit me: the truth of it. Reading this poem felt so vivid and full of experience, it was like a pair of arms gently draping over my shoulders and a voice whispering that I am not alone. This is I think something I always want to impart in my writing whether it's a subtle attempt to poke at an emotion or a big loud screaming thematic framework. The dark sludge is truth and making sense of that truth may be never ending but it can be beautiful.

#bird by bird #anxiety #my writing #personal essay #poetry #poem #phillip lopate #paranoia

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amaranthineoceans · 3 years

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Everything Weird About Deltarune!

Spoiler Warning for Undertale and Both Chapters of Deltarune! Really! I Literally Go Through Everything I Can Remember About Them!

This is a long post so get comfortable. Also note that my brain doesn't process thoughts into words very well so some of these might not be worded in the best way. :)

Deltarune. The first teaser chapter was released on October 31, 2018, and it came out of nowhere. We've all gone through this, but I'll try and go through every single painstaking detail I can remember. Feel free to reblog and add/correct things.

The weirdness begins right off the bat. The title is an anagram of UNDERTALE. We all know Toby likes to use anagrams when he wants to indirectly tell us when things are related, so it's no surprise that when you go to download DELTARUNE, it warns you that the game is designed for people who have played UNDERTALE. You think, "Cool, so it's a sequel? Or maybe a prequel? A different perspective of UNDERTALE perhaps?" You were wrong; so terribly, terribly wrong! I'll elaborate on this later.

Before you download the application, the terms of service that you must agree to beforehand reads simply and plainly, "You accept everything that will happen from now on." This detail was kinda brushed off in the beginning, because, hey, it's Toby Fox. He does weird stuff all the time. But even in the first chapter, it's apparent that the concept of choice, or more accurately, the lack of it, is a very present theme in the game. I would like to remind you that Toby has announced that there will be one ending in the game. One. I'll elaborate on this later.

The program (as in, what the game is called in your files) is named SURVEY PROGRAM. Why not just call it Deltarune like it is when you download chapter two?

The game launches you, without a title screen, without any setting adjustment options, straight into a reference to the theme of the entire franchise: the lack of choice. A strange formless voice guides you through "making a vessel", with what we know now as a fountain in the background. You have the option to make some very disturbing choices in this character creator, such as making its favorite flavor "pain" or expressing your feelings about it with options such as "fear" and "disgust." You name your "creation," tell the formless voice your name (which is different from your vessel's name) and watch as said formless voice muses over your name at an agonizing pace. It thanks you for your time and tells you that your wonderful creation, (cue music cutout and background removal) will now be discarded. "No one can choose who they are in this world." The screen slowly turns white as the voice says, "Your... name... is..."

It gets weirder. The next scene appears from the whiteness and showcases Toriel calling "Kris" out of bed. Kris' area of the room is very bare in contrast to the other side, which we later discover is Asriel's.

It's Toriel. Why is Toriel here?

Kris is kind of an anagram of Frisk (the protagonist of UNDERTALE) but without the F. I highly doubt this is a coincidence.

Speaking with Noelle is the only reason you can proceed (see what i did there?) while finding a partner in the classroom. This means you can't go through the 1st chapter without knowing who she is. Is it because of the Snowgrave route?

Ralsei is just suspicious to me. There's no way he was just waiting in that castle his whole life alone without some mental toil. So either he's insane or he wasn't alone the whole time. What happened? Is it related to how he can close his eyes and see what Susie is going through when she's apart from the party? Was he just watching everything? Is he related to the formless voice?

Susie's icon is the only one without color in the Dark World.

Jevil's fight is more difficult than Sans'.

Your actions have little consequence in the first chapter. If you choose to go genocide, the only difference in the ending is being run out of the kingdom, and this doesn't carry over to the next chapter. Again, lack of choice, people.

If at the end of chapter one, you walk around town, it's mentioned (notably by Noelle) that you're usually not this talkative. If you go to the hospital and speak with the receptionist, they mention that you used to play the piano in the corner. If you decide to attempt to play the said piano, an out-of-key bash can be heard and the receptionist comments on how you used to play beautifully. If you try this in chapter two, the result is the same. All this is confirmation that Kris is acting noticeably weird.

When you leave the Dark World and walk around town, you can find Sans. He "pretends" to recognize you, and if you tell him you recognize him, he tells you it's funny, considering that you two have never met before. He winks. I'm pretty sure he knows that the player is there.

The mention of Papyrus in both games, but the purposeful lack of him. Like he's avoiding you.

If you go upstairs while inside Asgore's flower shop, there are flowers in glass cases resembling his SOUL collection in UNDERTALE. There's a red flower.

You can't enter the church.

The clock in the storage closet shows a different time than all the others in the school.

If you go all the way south in town and into the woods, the music stops and you come across a rusty, double door is in a hill covered in crass. It's locked. If you go this way in chapter two, however, you watch a cutscene where you and susie happen to find Monster Kid from UNDERTALE (or someone resembling them) and an owl kid in front of the door. The owl kid is pressuring Monster Kid to (presumably) break inside, telling them that they don't want to be a wimp like Kris. Does this imply that Kris is connected to this strange door somehow?

The ending. You know what I'm talking about.

Did Kris actually rip out the SOUL (I say "the" because I'm not entirely sure it's Kris') and knife because they wanted to eat the pie? Did they only eat the pie because Toriel caught them?

Why did they look at the player? Are they sick of being controlled? Is that why they freaked out after the Spamton fight? (later)

Anyway, now we're at chapter two.

DELTARUNE Chapter Two was released on September 17th, 2021. 17. Entry Number 17. Sound familiar?

Asriel's part of the room is different from the last chapter. I don't think this means anything sinister, but I think it means Kris notices different things about the room as the story progresses. My theory is that it will become more sinister in each chapter.

Ralsei getting super excited to see Susie and Kris after a day. As in he has separation anxiety and it breaks my heart. not anything suspicious but it makes me sad so it's on the list.

Kris and Susie's rooms. Ralsei REALLY doesn't want them to leave. Seriously get this boy a therapist. Or a stuffed animal. SOMETHING.

Kris having to gather everything from the storage closet so that people appear in the Dark World????? Why??????????????? They had to do the same thing for the computer lab too.

The golden door. I don't trust it.

How/why the heck did Noelle and Berdley go into the Computer Lab Dark World? I don't see either of them just walking into pulsing void doors without Susie.

Apparently the knight has been gone for a bit and can corrupt people's minds? The king in the first chapter doesn't seem like he can be redeemed but Queen just seems,,, not bad, but a little crazy. I wonder what happened.

Then again, name ONE person in this franchise without trauma.

Spamton.

Horror doesn't bother me. Spamton? Spamton bothers me.

SPAMTON. ENOUGH SAID.

A Kromer is a type of hat invented in the '70s. Nobody named Mike is associated with it, that I can find.

SPAMPTON. HOW DO I EVEN DESCRIBE IT.

HIS SONG IS THE ONLY ONE WITH WORDS.

The way he asks Kris is they want to be a heart on a chain their whole life. Like, dude, no wonder they were screaming after the fight.

WHERE DID THE YELLOW HEART COME FROM. YELLOW MEANS JUSTICE. WHY DOES JUSTICE APPLY.

Kris screaming after the fight and the player not being able to hear it. Don't you dare tell me that's just how the game is designed. There are sound effects characters make throughout the game. None that I can think of apply to Kris, apart from when they rip their soul out.

Ralsei brushing off the Spamton fight. Either that's his coping mechanism or he was trying to shut Susie and Kris up to protect them from... something. I'll touch on that in a minute.

According to Queen, DETERMINATION is a key factor in creating a fountain.

Also according to Queen, Kris, Noelle, and Susie all have DETERMINATION SOULS.

Ralsei freaking out about Berdley making a fountain implies that he may also have DETERMINATION. Why I'm bringing all this up will make sense soon.

How was Noelle able to cast Snowgrave... a spell that she, according to her, didn't know?

The Snowgrave route is so twisted.

You manipulate Noelle into killing Berdley and then, when you get back to the computer lab and investigate his corpse, the text box says that he doesn't seem to be awake. As if you're in denial?

Burgerpants recognizes you. Not Kris. As in the player.

The ending. I don't think I need to describe it. Kris is very methodical without the SOUL. (I say "the" because, again, I'm not 100% convinced it's theirs.) I'm saying this about how they left clues that someone broke into the This proves that they are NOT a mindless, vengeful husk.

HOW DID THEY MAKE THE FOUNTAIN WITHOUT THE SOUL INSIDE OF THEM. DID THEY FEED THE SOUL TO IT AFTERWARDS? IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS?

Another point I would like to make is my theory that Ralsei knows much more than he would have us believe. I might put this into a different post because I have yet to gather my points into a coherent bullet point list, so keep an eye out for that.

Anyway apart from Toriel and Susie being VERY heavy sleepers, I think I've gone through everything. I have a few theories.

1. Kris is possessed by the player and figured out that they could make a fountain from Queen and related to Spamton freaking out about freedom. They then decided to make a fountain going by the logic that "this would tick the player off." This is one of my top theories that assumes that the SOUL is theirs.

And 2. Kris is possessed by both the player and the knight. I think the formless voice at the very beginning of the game is the knight, and they somehow needed the player to possess someone with DETERMINATION. If so, then why Kris? We know from Queen that Noelle and Susie, and maybe even Berdley also have DETERMINATION. The most plausible thing I can think of is the fact that human souls are stronger than monster ones.

I do think that the popular theory (about the one that suggests that the Dark Word is nothing but a figment of a child's imagination, and the events that occur in said Dark World are simply children playing with toys) has been thoroughly dashed due to Berdley's murder in the genocide route of the second chapter. Unless he's not dead. Regardless, how the events (or lack thereof) that occur in the second chapter play through the next will be interesting, especially considering Toby's announcement about how there will be one ending to the game. So either Berdley isn't dead, or he will be.

Aaaand I think that's it! Sorry for the long post; let me know your thoughts and if I missed anything!

#deltarune #deltarune chapter 2 #deltarune theory #deltarune theories #deltarune chapter two theory #deltarune chapter two theories #snowgrave #pipis route #deltarune snowgrave #video games #indie game #deltarune spoilers #ralsei #kris #susie #undertale #sans

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