#i've been functioning SO executively and it's exhausting

[calliopechild]

*kicks in door as tiredly as possible* Hello friends, guess who survived her move?

Also, callout post for past me thinking I'd be ready to go back to work tomorrow. The idea of going back to work in the morning feels like a hate crime.

[ingravinoveritas]

Hey, it’s me again.. I took a little time off to elaborate all of this, I went through various stages of disappointment, sadness and anger, but now I’m feeling better (even though it left a bitter taste in my mouth).

I did read all of the comments and reblogs to your posts, they made me cry (in a good way!) and I started to feel less alone indeed, a heartfelt thanks goes to them, definitely ❤️ this is what a fandom should be, whether it is Good Omens’ fandom or Neil Gaiman’s fandom (well I hardly see myself becoming part of his fandom now, even though I like some of his works, i.e. The Sandman).

The fact that he’s a writer is the reason why I weighed his words so much, otherwise I would have thought “okay maybe it was a poor choice of words and didn’t mean that”.. He knows exactly what he did instead, he used his skill with words against someone who barely speaks his language. This was unfair and unnecessary on so many levels imo.

About my ask, in my mind this was a point of view that maybe could’ve been useful for him to consider. I asked that in his interest, I mean, at the end of the day it’s his series, not mine. He didn’t even try to understand, instead. The point he’s missing with Staged is that Staged is not any series, it’s a series where the main characters (the two couples, but there’s also Ty in the third season) are supposed to be the actors’ real personalities and relationships (“supposed to”: I know they’re still fictional), so seeing all of them together in a scene of any series (not only Good Omens) would feel like breaking the fourth wall to me. I know it’s not something that everybody would experience, but definitely some people would. The nepotism thing is kind of connected to this, but mostly I’m really concerned about David Tennant being accused of that (the first “joke” was already there at Basingstoke). I mean, if Georgia had accepted the role and Olive had passed the audition, there would have been four members of his family involved (I know Peter Davison is an accomplished actor, but he’s also part of the Tennants family portrait, especially talking about Doctor Who), they’re just two for now, but the fact that Neil said that in a hypothetical season three, he would like to offer Georgia and Anna a part… The risk was there again. Maybe he thought that it would please the fans who always idolise them no matter what; this part of fans is really loud, but that doesn’t mean that they’re the actual majority. Also, this doesn’t mean that I hate them either, I would never do something like this out of hate, I’m not so miserable.

In summary, I just wanted him to read and consider that, I wasn’t really interested in an answer, tbh. It’s not like I was expecting something like “yeah, this is nepotism on my part! Thanks for asking xx” (though… That would’ve been a funnier response). As I said previously, this might have been an impulsive decision, and even a naïve one.

(1/2)

Hello, Anon. I'm back from my work trip and finally not entirely exhausted, so now I can answer your Ask and all of the other Anons still waiting in my inbox.

I'm glad to hear from you again, and that you are feeling better. I very much relate to what you said about having a tendency to blame yourself for everything, because I do the exact same thing. But there is a difference between blame and responsibility, and while you are responsible for choosing to ask Neil that question, you are not to blame for how he chose to respond to it.

You mentioned not being sure what to do now, and thinking about sending him Crowley's line about asking questions (which is also something that I thought of when this whole thing happened). My personal suggestion would be not to message him at all, as there really isn't anything else that can be said and I think it would probably just give you more anxiety worrying about if/how he'd respond again.

The thing to keep in mind is that Neil is who he is. Being a writer does not automatically make someone better or smarter than anyone else--Ernest Hemingway was an abuser and a drunk; Hunter S. Thompson was, well..."LSD-soaked madman" is putting it generously; F. Scott Fitzgerald's relationship with Zelda made Kanye and Kim K. look Amish, and the list goes on--but what I think has happened with Neil is that there is such a hype around who fans perceive him to be...the "image" of Neil Gaiman as opposed to the actual human Neil Gaiman. What we have now had a glimpse of is the actual human, and that for as calm and cool as Neil always seems to come across, there are clearly things that can still ruffle his metaphorical feathers.

I don't know if you've visited Neil's blog again, by the way, but just a few days ago, he responded to this Ask which I and everyone else who read it would most definitely categorize as "creepy"...and yet he answered it and did not call that person out the way he did with you. What that tells me is that what happened with you was not because of anything you did, but because Neil read it the way he did. And there could be so many other factors at play as well--the fact that he is in the middle of a divorce, the effects of the Writers' Strike and what that will potentially mean for GO 2--that ultimately contributed to his mindset while answering.

The other thing I will say is that I've already seen part of your concerns come to life, as following the release of the GO 2 opening credits, some fans were insisting that the order of David and Michael's names in the sequence and David's name supposedly appearing first (as opposed to Michael's in the S1 credits) was a reference to Staged:

In actuality, both David and Michael's names appear at the same time (but Michael's is less visible due to being in the sky). Neil even seemed to confirm this when someone recently asked about it. Not only that, he did not mention anything about Staged at all, which in all likelihood means it was probably not a specific reference. But seeing fans rush to this conclusion seemingly validates what we've been saying all along, and when I saw it, I immediately felt annoyed. For me, Good Omens and Staged are two very different things, as well as entirely separate things, and I categorically do not like the feeling of looking at anything related to GO and thinking of Staged. Only my opinion, of course, but there it is.

Finally, regarding the nepotism situation, one thing I've also noticed is people saying that this is somehow brand new, or that no one cared before GO 2. As I've mentioned previously, I became a fan of Michael's and "got into" him before I did David, so I will fully admit to being less knowledgeable around the nepotism issues there (Ty in ATWI80D, Georgia getting a part in DW because of Peter, then producing YM&H). But I can say with absolute certainty that concerns of nepotism with Anna were being voiced years ago, as far back as the first season of Staged and then right through to her being in Last Train to Christmas in 2021. So this is not remotely anything new, nor related only to GO, but to every role AL has had (Staged, LTTC, and Sandman), all of which she has gotten because of Michael.

I would also encourage people to read this post from last year on @invisibleicewands' blog for some very insightful tea about nepotism. One commenter is a former actor and shared some extremely interesting information in the notes in particular, of which I'd like to share a few:

I'm very willing to bet that all of the above--especially the part about casting directors and casting practices--are things Neil already knows, and are at least part of what caused his disproportionate response to your question. Because if this is something well-known and common to the industry, you are very likely not at all the first person who has brought this up to him, as well as the fact that four members of the same family (David, Ty, Peter, Georgia) nearly ended up in the same season of one show (GO season 2).

Could Neil have had enough and just snapped? Sure. We all have our limits, our quota of what we can handle at any given time, in any given day. And he would have absolutely been well within his rights to ignore your question entirely. That he read it as being "not in good faith" tells me this is a subject that's come up before, and has led to him being on the defensive. Which, again...also understandable. But the fact that Neil--who is a writer, who has spent an untold amount of his life writing about all sorts of things in painstakingly detail-- couldn't parse a fan asking a genuine question or distinguish it from an attack is not okay, and neither was his choice to respond so condescendingly and set you up as a target for the larger fandom.

But you already know all this, Anon, so let me stop before I repeat myself too much. I am just glad that you decided to write to me again, and that you took such comfort from both my words and the folks who commented on my post. I am sorry that the whole thing has left such a bitter taste in your mouth (though understandably so), but with all the wonderful new things we've gotten in the last few days (opening credits, the new poster), that thankfully gives us happy things to focus on instead.

Sending you lots of love again and the hope that you will continue to feel better and not let this take away your excitement for GO 2 entirely. Thanks for writing in! x

[burningcomputerpersona]

how the fuck are ppl having actual social lives with this amount of courseload. i lose all my hobbies during the semester bc i don't have time for anything besides schoolwork but there are ppl out there hanging out with friends every day and having parties on the weekend. how.

[wanderingandfound]

The fact that even my teeth aren't right anymore, and will probably never be right again, fucking gets to me.

[copperbadge]

hi, i had a medium to big question. in your post about the adhd self-help book you mentioned people with adhd being conditioned to be nonconfrontational, but i've never once in my entire life connected the two? can you break down the connection for me so that i can once again (this week, even) have my understanding of my own condition blown wide open?

So, you are not the only person to ask about this, but that's on me for being unclear -- I wasn't trying to assert that kids with ADHD are automatically conditioned to be nonconfrontational, I was more trying to be like "Hey not everyone needs lessons in medical self-advocacy but a lot of nonconfrontational people do." And I think there is a higher population of people with neurodivergence who are deeply confrontation-averse, but I don't have like, numbers for that, it's just an assumption based on other knowledge.

It gets complicated; ADHD is a disease based heavily in acting impulsively against your best interests. But yeah I do think people with ADHD are often conditioned to avoid confrontation because of two main factors: rejection-sensitive dysphoria and executive dysfunction.

RSD, which I hate perhaps more than any other symptom or behavior associated with ADHD, automatically kicks our nervous system into high gear in social situations and encodes embarrassing moments in our memory with high-def clarity. Because RSD naturally causes a level of anxiety around socialization, it tends to make us nonconfrontational simply because a) we don't want to be yelled at, b) we don't want to embarrass ourselves by getting emotional about something that may not warrant it, and c) by the time we realize what's happening our body is already on high alert which means we are likely to go into fight-flight-freeze mode.

Me, I freeze, usually, but none of those three options are great for fast thinking during an argument. I used to lose arguments a lot simply because I couldn't think or react as fast as the neurotypical person I was fighting with, so I simply stopped having fights. Notably, I did not have this problem when fighting with my brother, who is also neurodivergent and has many of the same freeze reactions I do.

If people disagree with me, even when I know I'm right I also know I probably won't be able to vocalize it properly, so I back down. Usually it's trivial so it doesn't matter, and I've gotten strategic about how and when I argue about things that do matter; it's also a lot easier to do with strangers or professionals (like doctors) where I don't have to worry about long-term social repercussions. But yeah, our own nervous system tells us "hey maybe don't pick this fight" about every single fight and if we do pick that fight, it treats our opponent as a dangerous predator.

Executive dysfunction's interaction with nonconfrontation is something I have less problem with because while I do have poor executive function, I've spent a lot of time and energy training myself to cover the Important Stuff. I have mild ADHD so I'm capable of this; I'm not trying to say everyone with ADHD is, because lord knows it's exhausting for me and I've been doing it for roughly thirty years. But essentially, I cover where it counts: if someone needs me to do something I do it, I meet deadlines, I pay bills.

So with that disclaimer in place, a very common issue especially for children with undiagnosed ADHD is that they'll be told or asked to do something and simply be unable to begin or complete it, then when they're asked why they didn't do it they can't explain. Even if they try to explain that they simply couldn't, like they were incapable of doing it for reasons they don't understand, that usually doesn't hold water with a lot of parents and teachers.

"I couldn't bring myself to write this essay," is actually something I told myself a few times in college, but it's not something I'd bother trying to tell someone else, because if you think you're neurotypical that sounds very insane. So I'd lie and say I forgot, or I'd take the fail, or I'd simply drop out of the class. Crucially I would not fight with the authority figure who was questioning me about it, because I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself, and I'd just end up getting in more trouble for longer.

Our culture is structured for neurotypicals, and it's not even structured for all neurotypicals. Behavior that deviates from Approved Neurotypical even when you think you are Approved Neurotypical is highly punishable. So if your options are passivity, even when passivity leads to pain, or confrontation, most people who aren't Approved Neurotypical will opt for passivity once they've had a taste of where confrontation leads. I know I do.

And the thing is, there's nothing actually wrong with that. It's a strategy calculated to minimize pain. Even when I'm firing on all cylinders on a fresh dose of Adderall, I still generally let fights go unless there will be actual real consequences, because it's just not worth it. But knowing we have ADHD and knowing we fall into this pattern, I think it is good to be aware that sometimes letting a fight go is really going to fuck you, and at that point even being bad at it is better than not engaging.

I'm pretty good at calculating those, but it's a lifelong process, knowing which hills to die on when you assume you will automatically die if you ever get above sea level.

[prefrontal-bastard]

(Context: I'm AuDHD and have ZERO ability to do the thing when I think about doing the thing. I'm trying a new stimulant, Azstarys, and it's given me that ability.)

What it's like having executive function: The moment I think about doing something, it's done. For the first time ever I can make my body move as fast as I can think.

I've been awake for 5½ hours and this is what I've completed:

Went to say hi to a friend for his birthday, which involved: Driving across town, driving into downtown, and finding parking at a parking meter to go to an unfamiliar restaurant.

Dropped him and his wife off back at their house, which involved: Navigating on slippery and unfamiliar roads at night on semi-plowed roads.

Got home and cleaned my room, which involved: Putting all the crap I had strewn about into bins, putting the bins into the halls, picking garbage off the floor, pulling out the broom and dustpan, sweeping, pulling out the vacuum, vacuuming, pulling out furniture, pushing the furniture back, walking up and down the basement stairs to get things, putting the broom back, putting the vacuum back, putting the bins with crap back into my room to sort through later.

Made myself a milkshake, which involved: Pulling out all ingredients, making the milkshake, putting all the ingredients back, and hand-washing the blender and lid. And then I cleaned the few dishes left in the sink and cleaned the sink itself because it looked a little crusty.

The main takeaway I've learned from all this?

Efficiency is a bio-mechanical function, and how well this mechanical function works is NOT a matter of self-discipline or willpower.

When you have working executive function—when it doesn't cause your nervous system pain to set-switch and to execute tasks—doing tasks is EASY. SO EASY. MINDLESS. The moment I'd think about doing something, my body is suddenly doing it.

Additionally, none of this exhausted me. None of it inflicted pain on my nervous system. In fact, the only reason why I'd stop doing a task is purely because it gets boring to do, NOT because I'm burning out from constant pain-exposure.

Fuck literally everyone who claims this shit's a matter of willpower or discipline. If it feels like that to them, then that's testament to just how fucking easy they have it.

[that-left-turn]

sorry to vent but let me just say how annoyed i am right now. i've unfollowed the twd account everywhere because, well, no need to explain the reasons why, but yesterday i decided to read the comments on a rare tweet about Carol and i was so disappointed at the amount of hate and mocking tweets. i just can't take it anymore. i mean it's exhausting to fight people hating on her for no reason and i fear this might affect the promotion as well! what do you think about that? i mean why can't people just avoid what they do not like? why do they feel the urge to be edgy? i've read jokes about sophia, izzie, henry, laurent... i'm tired of this fandom

Female characters are always held to a much higher standard than their male counterparts. Men can be flawed, complicated and morally gray, but women have to be perfect. Unattainably so. I find Carol fascinating and relatable because she struggles. I don't want her to be perfect—perfect characters are boring, and just like a good story needs tension and conflict to drive the action, good character development needs an arc. It has to 'take a turn' before it gets somewhere. As a character, Carol more than provides.

Like you said, problems arise when people with whom she doesn't resonate keep commenting in a negative way. It fosters a toxic fandom, and perpetuates sexism and ageism. The spinoff isn't about Carol—this season might focus more on her, but as the title tells us, it's not her show and TPTB have been treating the larger TWD pool of viewers as their target demographic. That invites this behavior. The anti-Carol part of the audience sees something they don't want and are vocal about it, in a destructive/abusive way. That could be one reason why AMC hits so hard on the 'best buds' aspect of the messaging.

Part of it is that there's clearly competing agendas in the promotion and a different strategy is employed by the studio/network vs. the non-acting EPs. The relationship among executive producers on a show isn't equal; it's based on function within the production and what kind of deal the individual EP struck with the studio. There's usually a lot of internal politics and jockeying for power going on within ranks. Like any other workplace, I'd imagine. It's competitive (the job market is particularly harsh right now) and from what I can see, these particular EPs are trying to position themselves in a way that ensures their continued livelihood.

The acting EPs are "safe" because they're the face of the franchise, so pay attention to the discrepancies in how they position the characters and plot arcs in comparison to the N/A EPs. Who and what actors hype during the promo circuit is tied to their work environment. From the looks of it, Gimple is trying to make some power moves to ensure his continued relevance to the franchise (which is a whole other ugly discussion—I have plenty of thoughts on that photoshoot at Tribeca lol) and the way in which Norman and Melissa position Zabel when talking about the plot arcs and character development suggests that they're attempting to block Gimple from reaching his goals.

When whatever's going on backstage has settled, one way or another, the audience should see a more cohesive approach to the promotion.

[sassykattery]

Hello

My darling sinners, it's good to see you again. Yes, it's me, Sassy, here in the digital flesh. We should talk. Grab a drink, a snack, a pillow, whatever you need. It's time for an update.

I know it's been a while, too long really. I know I've been posting updates here and there, promising the return of my series and other works in the process. I would like to apologize for the lack of fulfilling those promises and activity on my part. I know a great many of you enjoy my work and use my stories as an escape, and more than anything I do love giving you all my work to give you access to a place to go when the world is too much to deal with.

With that being said, I have good news. For the last three months, I've been under tremendous stress trying to get into medical school, and it is with a sadness to say I didn't get in this application cycle. Am I disappointed? Absolutely. But I'm a hopeless romantic, or just hopeless, and I have every faith that everything happens for a reason. I retook my entrance exam just days ago and did exponentially better on it, and I'm hopeful this will be what I need to get into school for this upcoming application cycle.

So, where's the good news, Sassy? I'll tell you. Now that burden is off of my shoulders, I can finally breathe again. My every waking thought was about this test for the last several months, and not a lot else. It's been exhausting. What does this mean? I can start writing again. When I have impending stress looming over me, it's very difficult for me to be creative and use that side of my mind for anything but what I'm currently working on in hopes of alleviating that stress. It's not healthy, I'm aware, but it is how I function.

I would like to announce that it is my intention to finish Love, Eternal within the next year. I still have to write the ending (it's in my head, just need to execute). So if you are still here, I thank you for waiting on me. If you see this and have moved on, I wish you well, and my story will be here when and if you wish to finish it.

Thank you all for your patience. See you soon in my flourishing world of Love, Eternal.

-The Royal Sassykattery

[violetjedisylveon]

It is Disability Pride Month!

I would suggest using the opportunity to learn more about all the different disabilities and how they impact the lives of people with them, and how that struggle is made worse by ablism in our society.

Take the chance to learn from actual disabled people, talk to us and hear our stories, listen to us when we tell you how to help us and make our society more functional and accessible.

Learn about disabled history, about the crimes and injustices done to disabled people. Look up disabilty holocaust and you will get a bunch of articles on what the nazis did to disabled people. It's depressing, but important to learn.

Disability isn't a bad word, it's an accurate description unlike calling someone differently abled. They aren't the same. Disability = not abled, like not able to walk because you are a leg amputee, not being able to do things like everyone else because you have no executive function capabilities. Differently abled = something like left handed, you are still fully abled, you just do it differently but you do it without any aid or tools.

My friend @poeticallydisgraced gave that example when our school put up a sign about recognizing differently abled students. And I think that fits the situation very well.

If you're curious, I've given a bit of a description of my experience under the cut.

Happy disability pride month!

I am nuerodivergent, Audhd, I have autism and Adhd. I also have chronic health issues with severe allergies and I get some bad migraines. I have hearing issues too but wouldn't call myself hard of hearing, it's more of a disconnect between what's said and what I hear. Makes for some entertaining conversations.

I tend to get over stimulated in social settings, too much noise and too many people really mess with me, light and sound trigger my migraines which can last for days, which is never fun.

I have no social awareness, and can't tell the difference between teasing and bullying, the line is super blurred/non existent for me.

This causes a lot of problems, because when people make those jokes and tease me, I don't get it, and to me it's rude and mean, but it also goes the other way cause when I joke I cross a line I can't see, and then everyone gets mad at me even though I'm doing the same thing as them.

I technically have a minor hearing loss in my left ear from a surgery as a child, but I had started having those hearing issues during the phase of development where you learn to speak, so my understanding of language is a bit skewed and I frequently hear things wrong, or don't hear the words said and have to ask for people to repeat it.

My family is starting to get annoyed and won't repeat anything but it's not like I'm choosing to do it, and it is very frustrating when they refuse to repeat it.

All these things leave me feeling a little isolated from my family and people around me.

I am expected to change and be someone else that is more acceptable to nuerotypical society, I jump through hoops and put on an act to appear less different, I've always been singled out as weird and other, and while no one has bullied me, at least that I was aware of, I got left behind by my peers.

The constant masking and acting like something I am not is exhausting, after a week of school I am fully drained of my energy and ability to put on that act.

My mom has gotten upset that I don't act the way I do at school at home, but I shouldn't have to act like a different person with my family.

I am not ashamed to be nuerodiverse and disabled, no one should be shamed or looked down on for something they can't control. A lot still needs to be done to make our society accessible to everyone, the current disability protection and aid laws are insufficient and full of loopholes that allow for disabled people to be ignored.

Have fun learning!

Happy disability pride month!

[lunapwrites]

An example of house-cleaning with ADHD.

My partner has been on my ass for at least the last 3 years to clear out the upstairs nook. As for why he is not assisting with this endeavor instead: it's 100% my stuff and 100% my space. I don't touch the basement. He doesn't touch the nook. Them's the rules.

But, well, you know, executive dysfunction and all that.

So fast forward to this year, with all the stuff happening and particularly Bean. And there's been a lot of "yes, I know I need to get it cleaned out" because we need the space and we also need to replace the windows and we can't get to them but me being me I have dragged my feet on it, because I didn't need to do it today.

Recently, though, I've been getting a little anxious about time - kinda hard to be as blind to it when you've got very visible proof that time is not only passing, but running out. So last week I finally dug through all my art supplies and figured out what I was and wasn't going to use, and gave away all the stuff I knew wasn't in my wheelhouse.

And just like that, there was an item checked off my list - one less barrier to entry.

Today, I woke up with a drive to clean, and if there's one thing you need to know about executive functioning disorders, it's that when the siren song of productivity finally calls us, we MUST drop everything immediately and dance to that demented little tune. So here I am, 12 hours later, exhausted and still only 80% done.

But god damn what an 80% that was. Bookshelves rearranged. Art supplies organized. Tables removed. Tea collection tamed.

Anyway, I still need to put all the books away that are going in storage but the important thing - the most important thing - is that the windows in both the computer room and the nook are now accessible, and able to be replaced so that the top floor of the house can be habitable in the summer months lol. Kind of important, considering Bean's room is up here. And also a lot of the stuff that was taking up space in Bean's room is being moved out, which means we can start properly setting it up. Nice little cascade effect.

I'm definitely gonna sleep like a rock tonight though, lol.

[knifedog-machina]

Role Fatigue And Being A Shell Of A Person

I Want Off This Self-Inflicted Archetype Ride, Thanks

Hey, my name's Gavin, he/him, and I'm writing out my fucking identity crisis on main, because what else do we have a journal for?

Content Warning: I get existentially fucked up about my personhood and purpose in life, and I use a few reclaimed slurs as identity labels for myself. This ends on a pretty hopeful note, all things considered.

So. This past week, we realized something, that Jude and I - especially me - have been basically fitting in the same roles Max's daemons used to. Because brains are weird, and they love patterns, and we've been unconsciously keeping this pattern going for a solid year or so.

And at the end of that last essay he posted about it, Max said that we aren’t the same thing. His daemons were parts of himself and extensions of what he needed back then. We, as their headmates, are separate people. And that’s that, right? Pack it in, solid conclusion, all neat and tidy. I sure fucking wish it were, but no, I’m having a bad time and I'm going to talk about it. My old therapist told me that writing out my thoughts is good for me, and I’m choosing to believe her.

I spent most of my time in the back. Not in a proper headspace, but just running damage control, executive functioning. Keeping track of stuff like, when's the last time you ate, or what do we need to do now to make your feelings less awful, or you should really take a break from memorizing brainstem structure and take a walk. And it's kinda ridiculous that I can do it for someone else, because I also have ADHD and all the executive function issues that go with it, but it’s easier when it's for someone else. And I guess that's part of being a Caregiver.

I'm capitalizing Caregiver there because I'm talking about the archetype. Martin was a caregiver archetype - her purpose in life was to take care of Max and their needs as a person, and she felt fulfilled and content with this because she was a part of them. She was never under the impression that she had anything to gain from becoming a fully separate person, someone with her own wants and needs as separate from her job, and she didn’t have anything to gain! She was happy like that, being an extension of someone else's needs, because Max was living enough life for both of them, and she didn't need to be a person for them to exist and thrive together.

I’m a separate person from Max. I'm a separate person from Jude. I'm not just an extension of what my partners need from me. But - fuck me, I've spent this long trying to be! And it's not even something that started here, it started in source, because Jude needed me to be functional while they were fucked up and having meltdowns over their abuser, and I stepped up because I wanted to help them. I helped them until I couldn’t anymore, because I was emotionally exhausted, and I stopped and recovered just enough that I could help them again the next time they ran back to me.

And I didn’t learn anything from that! I didn’t learn that I had to take time to rest and recover before I could help anyone else, I learned that I'm fully fucking capable of helping someone else if I just focus on them. This is the exact opposite of what I was supposed to learn, but I'm nothing if not exceptional.

Because - listen, I like helping people, I genuinely like taking care of people I love, it feels like I'm doing something important and making a difference and I am. It's so important to me to make sure that my loved ones are okay, and if they aren’t, I want to help them feel better. It's genuinely fulfilling to me.

And I looked at that, and I looked at what I could do, now that I'm here, feeling lost and confused and upset about forgetting important people and details in my life, and I decided that I would be fine just doing that. Only that. Specifically that. I can forget about how I feel like I’ve lost my identity by just making a new one. Right? It’s not like I had anything else to do, and I like helping people. It worked out.

So I just helped out. I didn't front, even though Jude did to talk to friends and make new ones and gradually get more involved in our daily lives, because I just didn't fucking want to. Like, really, what did I have to talk about with people? I don't have much. I'm doing something important, anyway, isn't that more useful than talking to people, or playing a game, or getting into a podcast, or reading a book? I was completely fine, and I had to be fine, because I couldn't help my partners if I wasn't fine and if I couldn’t do anything useful I’d have to face how fucking disconnected I felt from being a living person.

And now. Now, I can’t do that anymore. Because I fucking burned out. You really could have seen it coming months ago, if you paid attention, but I sure fucking didn’t. So I can’t do the things that I’ve been building my fragile fucking self-image over, and I’m left to look at what else I have to my identity to talk about. And it's really not enough, honestly.

Like, okay, I have three cats. They're wonderful little bastards, and I love them, and I can't hold a conversation only talking about my cats. I'm a fag, I’m queer, I’m transsexual, I'm kinky, I'm stone, and several of our friends have boundaries around discussing sexuality and slurs that I am not going to cross. I was into martial arts back in source, and we don't have the time or money to learn that now. I tend to like alternative rock and indie music, and I haven't listened to new music in months so that's kind of a dead end. I like tabletop roleplaying games, and we don't have the time to listen through a whole session, let alone a season, and I don't have opinions to discuss on them anyway because I'm fucking tired.

So I don't have much that makes me feel like I have an identity. I feel lost and frustrated and tired and anxious and useless. And I argued with my partners about reaching out to our friends for support, because I don't want to burden them with my nervous breakdown. Because isolating myself from the world has gone so well so far, hasn't it?

Turns out it helps to talk to people. Turns out we have the kinds of friends who also like helping their loved ones. Shocker, I know. And we know the guy who wrote the guide to growing as a person from being a fictive - thanks Goratrix - so I really should've done that weeks ago. Preferably before the nervous breakdown, but whatever, it happened.

In conclusion, I'm really not okay right now. Huge fucking surprise. But at least I know I’ll feel better if I start actively doing things. Because I can do that. Listen to new songs, listen to one session over three days. Play a video game. Getting one fucking hobby will probably do wonders to fight off the existential despair. And it's all going to be painfully fucking slow, because I'm not gonna remake a sense of self in a week, and it's going to suck. And I'm gonna get through it, and I'm going to feel better. It'll be worth it.

And hey, if you read through this whole thing and you're also going through the horrors, mood, take my hand. We’ll get through this shit together.

[canichangemyblogname]

So, I've not watched 911, nor do I know anything about it beyond what I've been reading on your blog in recent months.

Needless to say, the recent "discourse" has me beyond horrified, not only as a parent of two young kids (and a decent fucking person), but as a survivor of CSA. I am beyond words at the mental gymnastics you, and others, have encountered by the people defending that fic. Like, you deal with that shit daily in this hellscape, but this is a whole new level.

If pushing back against CSA being broadcast on Ao3 as entertainment makes you an "anti", then okay, cool. Label me an "anti" too then. It's well worth it.

"Anti"-white supremacy 👍

"Anti"-TERF 👍

"Anti"-CSA 👍

"Anti"-government usurping control of a person's body 👍

Any and all levity aside, the sheer (and frankly deliberate, at this point) lack of reading comprehension and overall intelligence at the pushback you've received over this is mind boggling.

Hit dogs holler, indeed. At least you've been able to fortify your block list.

You're doing good work, Evan. As exhausting as it is, keep it up, my friend.

Steph 🫶

I hope you know that you are a wonderful human being who deserves nothing but peace and kindness.

I’m putting the rest of this under a cut for mention if CSAM and mentions of triggering bigotry:

The 911 fandom is a mess-mess. From “joking” that people should be allowed to publicly execute men for flirting with men in a way that gives them the “ick.” To arguing that queer men are liars and cheats who spread disease. To joking about queer men dying of AIDS. To routinely using either the mammy trope or “sassy black” trope to characterize the Black Women of the show. To routinely hypersexualizing—like—the token Latiné character or relying on the “sassy Latin” trope in their characterization of him, too. To defending ableism. To now defending CSAM and a literal pedophile who has written several fics featuring CSE (that are often mis-tagged, mis-described, mis-rated, and re-uploaded under new names to get people to accidentally read them).

And if someone’s response to “Hey, we should do something about this” is to go “Nooo! But my blorbo fan fantasies,” they need to log-off and go touch grass; spend several days talking to people in-person instead of through a screen. It’s about the most chronically online BS reaction someone could have.

As you said— this shit shouldn’t be broadcast for entertainment. And that’s what’s getting lost to people. These fics are very truly explicit material featuring sexual fantasies about children, and they’re being posted for arousing entertainment. The person may have claimed they were doing this to punish fans for supporting a (new) canon queer relationship, but given how they’ve expanded their tags to catch wider audiences, that is clearly not the case. They want you to read it and enjoy it.

Like… I understand that there are a lot of powerful men in important positions who uses moral affronts to CSAM to actually censor queer people or information on bodily autonomy. But assuming that anyone who claims to care about child sexual exploitation is actually lying and has nefarious motives is… dangerous. And fallacious. It is so-so important to actually analyze what an individual is saying and how. There’s a difference between “there should be a report function specifically for CSEM” and “we should shut this site down because the people who use it are porn-obsessed degenerates.” There’s a difference between “I don’t think this site should have an anonymous feature because it allows users to easily subvert a block, and protecting a block should be the responsibility of the site, not the individual user” and “this site is full of dangerous kinks that could give kids ideas, so all of it must go!”

But if you can just lump anyone who disagrees with you into one group and label them “bad and oppressing me,” then you don’t need to critically analyze your own gut/emotional reaction to what they said. And what they said might have actually been a fairly reasonable—and incredibly moderate—step forward.

All I suggested was more robust blocking and reporting mechanisms on a BETA site.

It’s telling that they only bring out the chronically online names and discourse terms when it’s about CSAM. Many (but definitely not all) of the very people going to bat for never, ever changing Ao3 because it’s “perfect” were also the same people who unironically argued that two adult fictional men over the age of 30 joking about a 10 yr or less age gap between them are “predatory” and “making light of incestuous abuse.” Although, IDK what else I could expect from people who “joked” that they hoped certain fans would kill themselves over fictional characters.

Something about the whole thing screams “I only protect power and its narratives.”

[verdantmeadows]

CW for discussions of eating and appetite and the such

Hey so is it not normal to feel absolutely zero urge to eat even when incredibly painfully hungry. Like when I'm even a little sleepy I must fight every urge not to sleep. But when I feel hungry I also...don't feel hungry. Like sure, my stomach hurts from being hungry, or I start to get shaky or have heart palpitations if it's been too long. But I feel absolutely no urge. The only time pain from hunger gets me to eat is shaky/palpitations because it makes it hard to function.

Like, I don't...think it's a mental aversion to food? I literally love food. I've been struggling for years to gain weight, incapable of it because getting myself to eat food is such a chore that I only have the motivation to eat regularly for like a week or two, and then I stop trying to and immediately lose weight. Like, if I'm not actively tracking to make sure I eat meals and snacks, I lose weight. Even if I do eat well, I sometimes lose it anyways! I want to gain weight and I want to feel the need to eat so badly.

But part of the issue is that even when I do eat, I can usually only eat a few bites before feeling incredibly nauseated. Or I feel "full" somewhat even though I'm not and I'm still hungry. But if I try to eat, swallowing makes me gag. And I don't know why!!!!

I'm just. Starting to think/realize that hmmmm this. Might not be normal. I don't understand what could be wrong though. Researching it has helped zero. Is it a depression thing?? Like, part of why I don't eat is because making and getting food is so exhausting I usually sleep right after. Is it an ADHD thing with executive dysfunction???

[nerdyspeechy]

Genuine curiosity. What is a speech-language pathologist? What do you do?

Thanks for asking! I love what I do (most days), but never have an opportunity to really talk about it. I hope you're prepared for a long response, because our scope of practice is under a very large umbrella. In a broad sense, speech-language pathologists are professionals with expertise in assessing, diagnosing, and treating impairments with communication, voice, swallowing, and cognition. We work with people across the life span, birth to 99+ to strengthen or rehabilitate skills within these domains. The setting you decide to work in will determine the clients/patients you treat.

SLPs in the school setting work with children with varying communication and language disorders/deficits. They might work on articulation to help a child be better understood so they communicate with their teachers and peers, work with a child who is struggling to acquire developmentally appropriate language skills and is struggling academically, they can play a role in diagnosing and treating dyslexia, they work with children who are nonverbal to develop a way for that child to express themselves/wants/needs/etc, whether that be low tech alternative communication like a communication board or gestures to high-tech options like a speech generating device, and then help those kids acquire the vocabulary and language skills needed to effectively communicate.

In the medical setting, SLPs work with people who have had a stroke or brain injury and have lost the ability to communicate, swallow, or safely live alone because their executive function skills are impaired. They might have aphasia and either can't get the words out, or don't understand what is being said to them, or a combo of the two. They might have dysphagia, where their swallowing muscles might be weaker and not as effective in protecting their airway or propelling food to the right "tube" when eating and drinking. We also work with people who have been intubated long enough to require a tracheostomy and no longer have a way to talk. With these patients, we assess if they are appropriate for a speaking valve, which is an important step for communicating and eventually eating by mouth again.

In an outpatient clinic or private practice they will work on much of the above, but this setting is where you will see a lot of voice client/patients. SLPs can assess and treat functional voice disorders (typically caused by misuse, overuse, or poor vocal hygiene). SLPs play a role in gender-affirming voice therapy, teaching these client to acquire the mannerisms and vocal quality of the gender they align with in a way that won't be damaging to the vocal cords.

For me in particular, I work in acute care. I assess critically ill patients to make sure they are not at a high risk for aspirating (their food or drink going "the wrong way" into their airway), and that they can communicate with their family and care team. My areas of expertise are working with tracheostomy patients, and in the Neonatal ICU where we focus on pre-feeding/feeding skills and making sure they are meeting the developmental milestones they missed out on in utero.

This is by no means and exhaustive list of what we do, but it's what you're likely going to see the most if working with an SLP. There are so many things we treat under each of those domains, but we could be here all day and I've kept you long enough.

[xbittersweet-nostalgiax]

I did some research and im 90% sure that what I've been experiencing is autistic burnout

The anxiety & depression, the digestive issues, the executive dysfunction, the lack of interest in pretty much everything, the loss of coping skills, and the sheer exhaustion that a full night's sleep doesn't completely fix

The scariest part is that I read it can last for years and there doesn't seem to be a clear way of getting out of it

The only advice I found was ppl saying to rest

I can't rest for years

My parents (mainly my mom) are already showing signs of annoyance with my constant low mood

They both have so much going on—which I think might be what finally triggered my burnout—my dad's working on finalizing things after his dad's funeral & his cousin is literally on his deathbed in the hospital, and my mom's sister has brain cancer that she's getting treatments for & grandma's getting to the point where she's having falls

My dad's side of the family has been losing a lot of people, not just Papaw—2019 lost my dad's older brother, and then the last few years saw both his uncles pass

My mom lost her dad two years ago too, which really hit her hard—and now there's another person on her side that's got cancer but she's like 90 so she's just gonna ride it out

But yeah...I'm not super close to some of these (losing both grandpas affected me the most), but I'm around my parents and idk I guess I'm like a sponge soaking up some of their stress by proximity

I know my dad definitely has some flavor of burnout himself, he has a lot of existential dread & anxiety too

My mom sleeps a lot when she's not working or doing household stuff, she might watch a couple episodes of a show she likes but then she lays down & dozes off—and she has digestive issues as well (not nausea & low appetite like me, but a lot of foods don't play nice with her)

But I digress....I'm mostly annoyed by the physical side of what's happening to me, like if my digestive system could just chill out and function correctly, that would be a huge step up for my quality of life

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 8.29.23

I did more than nothing this week, which was something. I guess.

I really do want to get back to work on Ductwork, but it's Renji's birthday this week and I wanted to have something postable. Obviously, it would be fun and cool if I could finish that porno I started, but I was struggling with that, and I wanted to divert my brain a little. I do not remember exactly why or how, but I got it in my head that I wanted to write some Renji & Momo Academy horsing around and I came up with something good for that, and I started it. Sounds great, right? It grew in my head a little, but it still seemed pretty do-able, and in a wild thing that never happens, I had both a good ending in mind and a title, and I was feeling good. I even got a whopping 700 words of it written.

Then I got hit with an incredibly stupid and possibly unpublishable, like, future chapter of this thing, on the presumption that it turned into some sort of long anthology of Renji-Momo-Kira-and-sometimes-Rukia stories, who does want that? Everyone wants that. Everyone except me who has to write it. Well, I do want to write it, but I also want to write the story that I am way way super behind on and planned to spend my fall on. Anyway, having no willpower whatsoever (my general writing rule is that when I want to write something, I let myself write it, because the feeling is fleeting and unobtainable under artificial conditions) and write 2100 words that I honestly do not know what I am supposed to do with, aside from let them sit in my drafts for four years until I dredge them out again. o____o

Also, the porno is up to 2871, an increase of 458 words, wrung out of me one by painful one.

Also, I re-read the one Big Scene I really like in Ductwork and it's so irritating to having something this good and to still need, like 50,000 words to go around it.

In other news, I drew a thing. It's...Renji adjacent, so I'm gonna post it on the 31st, since I probably won't have anything else. It's fine, it can be Renji's birthday until I say it's not. (Oh shit I just remembered I have 80% of a Renji - Orihime fic that I found in my drafts that I was hoping to dust off and finish for the Renji - Orihime Birthday Interregnum. Maybe that's still do-able)

I have definitely gotten into a place with my drawing (and my writing is started to go there too, I am afraid) where trying to do anything seems too big and too hard and not worth starting, but I'm really trying hard to fight back against that. I want to figure out something to do, like redrawing screenshots or something, which will take a lot of the hard "picking a pose" up-front friction out of the activity, because I was really close to not-sucking for a while there, and then I lost all my enthusiasm for it. :(

Anyway, the kids went back to school, so the house is a lot quieter this week. They're really good kids, I don't want anyone to ever think I don't like my kids or something, but I get really exhausted being around other people, and it's like every muscle in my body relaxes if I get the house to myself even for a bit. (Mr. P is still here, but it's better than everyone). It also helps my motivation, because I say to myself, "I've got until 3 to get my own stuff done" and then it's Mom-on-call time again and that's honestly really helpful to my executive function.

Grand total: 3319 words and one drawing, distinctly not bad

PS: Despite it resulting in some productivity, I do not at all like the feeling of being scatterbrained like this, it makes me very overwhelmed and short-tempered. I've also been getting a lot of asks lately and it was making those feelings even worse, so I've closed my ask box until I feel like I've got my brain under control again.