#i've been going to bed at 2am for the past week or so

[nox140497]

A Midnight Crisis

Prompt: No

Request: No

Summery: Colby has a panic attack late one night.

Prompt Number: None

Pairings: Colby Brock x Female Reader

Masterlist

Prompt List

_______________________________

Colby shut his laptop with more force than intended and rubbed his tired eyes. It was past 2am, and he was no closer to finishing the script for his next video.

Glancing around the dimly lit editing room, stacks of notes and camera equipment stared back at him, each item representing hours of work ahead. The never-ending to-do list seemed to stretch into infinity as pressure and perfectionism gnawed away at his sanity.

A tapping at the door pulled Colby from his spiraling thoughts. "Sweetheart, come to bed," said his girlfriend Y/N softly. "You've been at it for hours."

Colby nodded wearily and followed her downstairs. As they curled up under the blankets, Y/N gently stroked his damp hair. "What's keeping you up?" she asked softly.

Colby took a shaky breath. "I just feel so behind. If I don't post at least twice a week, the algorithm will bury me. And the comments..." His voice cracked. "People are always criticising - the lighting, my jokes, who I film with, everything. I try so hard, but it's never enough."

Y/N pulled him closer. "You work like three men already. No one achieves perfection, at least of all in a few hours each time."

Colby knew she was right, but the churning anxiety refused to subside. What if his viewers lost interest? Sponsors pulled funding? It had happened to bigger creators - he wasn't immune.

"I'll never sleep at this rate," he sighed. Reluctantly climbing out of bed, Colby headed back to his prison of screens and cables. Y/N followed, concern etched on her face.

Back in the office, Colby began rewriting his script frantically, deleting and retyping sentences over and over as familiar panic started clawing its way up his throat. What if he picked the wrong topic? Messed up the comedic timing? He typed so fast his hands began to cramp.

A stabbing pain in his chest made Colby gasp for air. Black spots danced before his eyes as the walls closed in, trapping him under the crushing expectation to perform.

Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around him from behind. "Colby, you need to breathe," urged Y/N calmly. She took his trembling hand and placed it on her chest. "In and out, slowly. I've got you."

Colby fought to match her even breaths as crushing anxiety morphed into racking sobs. "I'm losing control," he cried into Y/N's shoulder. "What if I can't do this anymore?"

"Shh, it's okay," soothed Y/N gently. "Come, let's get some air."

Walking unsteadily through the silent house, Colby slowly began to regain control of his breathing in the cool night. Y/N never let go of his hand, grounding him through the lingering panic.

On the back porch, they sat close together, watching the stars. An uneasy silence stretched between them as Colby gathered the courage to speak.

"I'm scared this will break me," he admitted shakily. "I pour everything into videos only to be constantly worried if it's decent enough. It's not making me happy anymore - it's destroying me." A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Y/N gently wiped it away and took his face in her hands. "You are so much more than the metrics or comments say. I see how talented and kind you are every day. This channel was supposed to be fun, so please don't let it ruin your health or us."

Her earnest eyes conveyed nothing but compassion. All the resentful feelings Colby harbored towards himself began to melt away under Y/N's unconditional love and support.

As the first light of dawn broke over the trees, Colby finally felt some of the crushing weight lift. Exhausted but calmer, he leaned into Y/N's shoulder, grateful beyond words that she saw his true worth, not defined by meaningless views or numbers on a screen. This was only the beginning of getting his life back on track, but with her by his side, Colby believed things could get better.

A week had passed since Colby's panic attack, and he was beginning to feel more like himself again. Taking time completely away from YouTube at Y/N's suggestion had brought unexpected relief.

Without daily stresses to focus on, Colby rediscovered long-lost interests like photography and gardening. He spent afternoons going for hikes with Y/N, marvelling at nature's beauty through fresh eyes. Their home filled with snapshot memories from each outing, captured joyfully on film.

With structure and rest, Colby's anxiety gradually released its grip. For the first time in months he slept well, free from dreams about botched collabs or unkind comments. Y/N watched him awaken each day looking more energised, reminding her gently of the importance to maintain this lifestyle.

One sunny afternoon found Colby immersed in tending roses along the fence border. As he trimmed away wilted blooms, flashes of memories surfaced - cramming scripts at 3am, editing well into dawn, forgetting to eat or take breaks. Exhausted, sore hands moved on auto-pilot to create a never-ending stream of content.

His downward spiral had been gradual yet forceful, spurred on by perfectionism and fear of slipping in the algorithm. But Y/N's care dragged Colby kicking and screaming from that dark routine, revealing how lonely the path of overwork had become. A cold shudder passed over him at the realisation of how close he came to burning out completely.

Wiping sweat from his brow, Colby's gaze fell upon Y/N watching tenderly from the porch. Her bright smile warmed his soul, reminding him that life held more meaningful things than views or trends. Carrying the gardening tools inside, Colby collapsed on the couch beside her with a happy sigh.

"Feeling better?" she asked, handing him a cool drink. Colby nodded gratefully. "I'm amazed at the difference a week makes. Things seem clearer now."

He stretched comfortably, thoughts drifting back over stressful nights locked away working endlessly to please abstract metrics, while neglecting real connection. That loneliness had almost swallowed him whole.

"Thank you for pulling me back from the edge," Colby told Y/N earnestly, taking her hands. "I lost sight of what really matters, but you've given me a new perspective."

Y/N leaned in for a lingering kiss. "I'm just glad to have you here, happy and healthy. Promise me you won't let it get that bad again?" Smiling, Colby promised to always communicate how he felt from now on, never bottle things up until breaking point.

That evening, the couple discussed potential strategies for Colby to maintain wellbeing going forward. Setting stricter schedules with enforced breaks, delegating tasks, limiting social media use - simple changes aimed at sustainably managing pressure and burnout prevention.

Colby knew regaining control would take diligent effort. But with Y/N by his side, nothing felt impossible anymore. Her patience and reassurance instilled a calm confidence in his ability to return renewed, without sacrificing mental wellness. The following week, Colby finally felt ready to resume video making.

Armed with new perspective and healthier habits, Colby crafted a short update video explaining his break to concerned viewers. Speaking candidly about mental health awareness and balance, he saw more supportive comments roll in than ever before. The positive reinforcement served to cement Colby's resolution to prioritise fulfillment through diverse passions instead of basing self-worth on one metric's fluctuations alone.

Weeks turned to months of sustainable creativity. True to his word, Colby kept communication lines open with Y/N, never hesitating to discuss feelings or setbacks. With her encouragement he joined local photography groups and took on freelance opportunities to spread creative wings beyond YouTube alone.

Most importantly, Colby learned to be kind to himself through both triumphs and failures. Looking back on a time when anxiety nearly took control of his life, he was profoundly grateful for Y/N's unconditional love and support. It was this care that gave him strength to overcome adversity and regain balance, emerging healthier and happier than ever before.

[axailslink]

i saw this prompt “I don't care if it's 2am, I'm lonely, come watch a movie” so could you write this shuri x reader fluff where the reader isn’t in wakanda and they haven’t seen each other for a while and the reader is a bit sad so shuri flies out to surprise her?

You flew here!?

Shuri x FEM reader

Summary: you've been complaining to Shuri about how much you've missed her this past week. She pops in for a surprise visit.

You stare at the kimoyo beads when she answers and she stares back "are you frozen? Is there something wrong with the beads?" You shake your head "no just taking a moment to admire my wife since I've been away from home so long" she nods "I know it sucks" "exceedingly" you comment as you sit up and focus your eyes "where are you? The lightning is different" she looks around before answering that's suspicious "my bedroom love I took time from the lab" you glance at her outfit and nod "oh well like I was saying it kind of sucks being here alone the hotel is nice thanks to you but it's not like home there's no warm air, no dora Milaje, or even running children the children here act like adults..." She laughs and you nod "I'm so serious it's weird as hell it's odd" she nods "you only have about half a month left" you face plant the pillows beneath you "without you that's like years my love you know this I'm used to having you behind me in bed yet I wake up every morning with nothing but cold behind me and in front of me I'm sleeping with my pillows imagining they're you. It's kind of depressing." She laughs and you come face to face with her "it's so not funny not just being away from you but I'm sex deprived terribly sex deprived not even just sex I need intimacy bad." She looks at you then around her you finally bite wondering what the hell is going on and why she keeps looking around. "Baby I'll call you later someone just came to my door. I love you bye." Before you can answer she hangs up leaving you stunned "I know she did not just hang up in my face... I'm going to kill her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After maybe an hour of flipping through the hotel television channels you fall asleep on the news.

"New news the queen of Wakanda Shuri Udaku has made an exciting visit to us today!"

Maybe you were already sleeping or wanted your wife beside you so bad you were conjuring up sounds either way it didn't matter as you flicked the TV off and went to bed again alone. You wake to a gentle dip in your bed causing you to carefully reach underneath your pillow and grab your gun but as soon as you reach for it there's already a hand there "on edge my love?" You sit up so fast to see if the voice truly matches the face you scramble to the lamp clicking it on and your smile is so big when you see hers. "Wait fuck am I still asleep? I swear if I'm still asleep and I wake up and you're not here I'm going to cry." Shuri grabs your face and shushes you "no I'm really here you're not dreaming my love your subconscious would never be that cruel." You look away as tears begin to form in your eyes anyway she pulls you into her arms after a gentle peck on your lips "hey hey what's wrong? I'm here" you look at her and shake your head "I didn't realize how truly lonely I was until now seeing you I feel so less lonely you really mean so much to me." She smiles and kisses your forehead "well I know that I mean you did marry me" you cover her mouth and lay on your chest "if you start talking you'll ruin the moment this isn't a joking matter..." She smiles down at you and pulls you into her lap "you have no reason to be sulking I'm here now my love" you pout as she moves your hand and places a gentle peck on your pouty lips. "I was hoping the news wouldn't tell you before I could but I'll be staying with you for the rest of your mission." You jump up immediately "I'm sorry what? What about Wakanda? What about your lab?" She nods "all handled don't worry we always said M'baku would be a great king I know they might not like him but he has leadership and he offered to take over for me while I was gone." You blink "I'm sorry M'baku my M'baku of the mountains? My brother?" She nods "he loves you and he'd do anything for you especially if he heard that being away from you was ripping the joy out of your mission." You smile and sit up gently pressing on your kimoyo beads "I have to call him" Shuri smiles at your excitement.

"It's so early he might not be awake..." You glance at her "he's always awake for me" M'baku answers immediately "yes child of Satan?" You immediately want to hang up but you remember the good deed and sigh "you're protecting Wakanda?" You can hear the snap of a carrot which makes you smile to yourself "yes I mean the throne's quite comfy and Shuri beg-" you interrupt "thank you big brother I was so lonely an-" you can hear him yawn on the other end causing you to glare at your kimoyo beads "oh fuck off" he laughs causing a smile to spread across your face "you feel better." You nod as if he can see you and he hangs up.

It finally gets to you now that if Shuri is here she flew here "Shuri you flew here!?" She taps your head letting you know you're a bit too loud and replies "yes control your voice I'm right beside you" you wrap your arms around her neck and don't let go you just bathe yourself in her scent breathing her in smelling the sweet shampoo she uses, the honey body wash, and the cocoa butter lotion. "Are you smelling me?" You shush her "I said I miss home and you are my home my warm and inviting home" she laughs as she lets her hands rest on your lower back. You sit up pressing a kiss to her lips which she wasn't expecting but immediately kisses back. Shuri lets her hands drop to your ass and you pull away and look at her "I didn't do a thing" you shake your head "a complete horn dog we're having an emotional... Moment" she continues to kiss you in-between your words causing you to slowly lose your words. "You've missed my touch as well you're arching your back" you immediately roll off her lap trying to act as if the kiss itself didn't have you needing to cross your legs. "You're going to distract me from my mission let me sleep" she shrugs and pulls you back to her "absolutely not I slept on the way and so did you you've had enough sleep. Now make time for me." You gently unravel yourself from her grip and lay back on your side of the bed she nods and turns over hovering above you "well thanks for making things easier" you just laugh as she glances down at your little satin night shorts. "You do know you're not getting any type of sleep? You did say out loud while I was on the ship with Okoye and Aneka that 'I'm sex deprived terribly sex deprived'" she mocks your voice and you laugh before leaning up on your elbows and kissing her. "You're right I am terribly sex deprived. How are you going to fix that problem?" You let your hand gently caress her face while she glances at her bag then back at you "you did not..." She nods "you finished it? We were just joking when we had that conversation about the Americans and their silly little toys" she shrugs "it works well want to try it?" Your curiosity of course gets the best of you "absolutely."

A/n: I enjoyed writing this one it was cute to me. 🥺

[fragilecapric0rnn]

“it’s okay, i couldn’t sleep anyway” for the prompt thing!! (-patheticgirlsteve)

OKAY SO this prompt is from a prompt list I rb'd in December (wowza!) and I found the writing for this prompt half finished in my WIPs folder today and decided to finish it!

This ficlet is also a look into the in-progress When Harry Met Sally-inspired AU/canon divergence fic. I've been sitting on both that fic and this snippet for far too long and have been itching to share something. So, here's the something!

(something set in the late summer of '98, in a city that doesn't bode well during heat waves)

It’s an unusually hot night in Steve’s apartment. 

It's going to be an unusually hot week in the city, actually.

Steve has gotten used to the temperate San Francisco weather in the 11 years he's been a resident. But after 11 years, he's still surprised at the random bursts of heat that creep in during these last few weeks of August. Just in time for him and his students to sit inside the toaster oven that is his classroom during the first week of school.

Thankfully, it's not a school night. The last week of his summer vacation, and he's spent most of the daylight hours dangling half of his body out of the screen-less street-facing window in his apartment, praying a breeze would whip past him. (It didn't).

After an hour of tossing and turning in bed, in nothing but a pair of boxers, the open window providing no relief, the air stale and hot and a bit sticky, he decided to move to the living room, where he will still be suffering, but at least there's a TV out there.

A movie he remembers seeing with Robin in the theater during their Oakland days is playing as soon as he flicks on the TV, reminding him of how long it's been since they've lived together, let alone in that first apartment in Oakland. Freshly 20 and 21, figuring out how to live on their own, thousands of miles from everyone and everything they knew. Figuring out how to deal with the calmness of it all.

Remembers talking about the movie again in '92, and being annoyed with all of his friends (Eddie and Nancy) who thought that Lloyd and Diane broke up in London. Wonders if they're still as cynical about love today as they were back then.

As he's counting the years back in his head, the phone rings, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Hel-lo?” He answers, remembering that it is 2am in the middle of the word, dragging it into two syllables to make it seem like he's shocked that someone is calling him.

“What the hell are you doing awake at this hour?” Eddie quips, Steve reflexively rolls his eyes, at both the tone of his voice and the question itself.

“How do you know that you didn’t just interrupt my much needed beauty sleep?” He scoffs, flicking his head like he would if Eddie were sitting right here on the couch with him. Eddie must pick up on it, chuckling over the phone, a similar sound to the one he made when he was sitting on this couch hours ago, suffering with Steve in his apartment.

Now there's something twenty-one year old Steve would be shocked to learn. That him and Eddie became friends, at all.

“I can hear the TV.” Steve hums in response, turns the volume down a notch or two. “But, here’s a courtesy ‘I’m sorry’ for the late night call.”  

“It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Steve sighs as the slightest breeze rolls through the open window. He's a much better sleeper than twenty-one year old Steve, but due to recent life-changing events and this damn heat-wave, a late-night phone call with Eddie is almost routine at this point

“I miss Evie’s apartment. She had AC.” Eddie says, casually. Steve still doesn't get how he can talk about her so casually. How he can just bring her up like it's nothing. If he even thinks about -

“I still can’t believe you got your heartbroken by a trust fund baby.” He says, cutting off his own thought.

“I’m more heartbroken about that AC unit right now,” still casual, as if he is actually heartbroken about an AC and not a person.

“What’re you watching?” He asks.

“Say Anything.” 

“Channel?”

“12.” 

The scene where Lloyd is talking to Diane’s father on the prison yard. It makes him think of Eddie on the other line, sitting in his unintentional bachelor pad a few blocks away from his own. The thought must’ve made Eddie’s ears burn. 

“That’s not what visitation is actually like, ya know?” His voice is soft.

“Oh yeah?” Steve says, wanting to encourage but not pry.

“Yeah. It’s indoors, at tables, cold and gray. Feels dirty and sterile at the same time.” Eddie says.

“I always thought it happened between a plane of glass, with a telephone on either side of the glass.” Steve offers, giving him an out, a chance to change the subject if he wants to bow out.

“That’s what it’s like in county jail. Prison’s different.” Steve hums again, knows there’s no need to respond with anything else. Steve doesn’t need to ask him how he knows all of this. He knows that Eddie doesn’t expect him to ask. That’s the thing, about old friends, about them, about their whole gang. There are certain things they’ll always know about each other. 

His mind drifts to a little Eddie and a younger Wayne, walking into a room just like Eddie had described, going through the motions. It pulls at his chest a little. 

“Do you still think they broke up in London?” Steve tests.

“I don’t think they broke up in London?” Eddie says, a tad defensive. 

“Yes you do, or you did.” He remembers the conversation, he knows Eddie must remember the conversation.

“When did I say that?” 

“In San Diego, we had a whole thing about it, the five of us.” The drunk and loud debate was held stuffed into a diner booth in San Diego. Before you left.

Eddie pauses.

“I did say that, didn’t I?” 

“You sure did.” 

“Well, to answer your question, no. I don't think so. I think that they’re two weirdos who were meant for each other.” Eddie says, Steve sinks further into the couch, holds the phone up with his shoulder.

“That's exactly what I said then.” 

"Well, I think it now."

"Me too." It comes out softer than he expected. Suddenly thankful that this conversation is happening over the phone, so he can scrunch the feeling away from his face, take a deep breath and shake the feeling that just washed over his body.

“I know a thing or two about weirdos who’re meant for each other.” Eddie says playfully, that tone he uses when he's half-joking, but half-serious. Steve feels something bubble in the very depths of his stomach. 

“Oh yeah? Who?” 

“You and Robin.” Pop. He lets out a deep breath.

“Ha ha.” Steve says, toning up the sarcasm.

“Max and Lucas, Joyce and Jim, the entire gang who’s bonded by the terrors of the 80s and government NDA’s.” Steve’s laugh barks out of him, he can’t hide how surprised he is at these words coming out of Eddie’s mouth. 

“What? What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing, it’s just…” He trails off, trying to choose his next words carefully. “Not used to you talking about the past. Hasn’t really been your thing.” His mind drifts momentarily to San Diego again. Watching him hail that cab. Running away. 

“There's a lotta things that I used to do, or not do.” There’s a pause. Either of them could say something, there’s something dangling in the air between them, between their two phone lines, filling the space between their two apartments. Just as Steve opens his mouth to say something, cut the tension, snatch the feeling out of the air, Eddie beats him to it.

[cdelphiki]

For the past year I've been working on my sleep habits, with the goal of going to bed at 10pm everyday instead of at midnight or 1am like I'd been doing for literally 15 years. Sadly (or gladly, depending on how you look at it) I've been fairly successful. Even if I don't meet my goal of being asleep by 10, I'm usually in bed by then and start getting suuuuuper tired at about 9. It's been great for my energy levels throughout the day, and I don't have days where I pass out at 5pm and don't wake up until morning anymore, but it's been terrible for my writing time. Because like 8pm-2am is my BEST time to write.

Anyway. I wanted to finish up this chapter tonight but there's no way its possible. I'm too tired at this point, even though it's only 9, so even though I wanted to get another chapter out for The Time Before within a week of the last one, and it's now been two, it'll likely be another week or two until I have it done. It's at 1000 words atm and I have another 2k words of draft to turn into chapter, which will likely balloon up to 3-4k words. And I've been managing 100-300 words a day lately. 😭 Once upon a time, a year or two ago, I would have banged out 4k words tonight before going to bed late at around 2am. And I just physically cannot anymore.

Anyway. Please enjoy a short excerpt from the next chapter:

I'm really enjoying all the angst potential this story gives.

[the-light-finds-its-way]

It's 2am on... I don't know what day it is. Is it January yet? I haven't kept track. The earliest I've gotten out of bed since my mom went into the hospital is 2:30pm, and I usually don't fall asleep until like 5-8am. I can't remember when I last showered. I don't have any clean clothes to wear except for shirts, because I haven't done laundry in only Odin knows how long. Last time I brushed my hair was probably Saturday. I haven't gotten my meds refilled but that'll hopefully be done today. And the meds I do have I haven't been keeping up with completely. But a kind stranger bought me a pizza tonight, and I promised them I'd at least shower. So... I guess I should go ahead and do that instead of eating depression food (chocolate chip pancakes and cookies in a mug) every few hours. It's 2:45am now. But I'd rather take the shower now than wait another minute for that. I feel gross... Mom may come home today. I don't know for sure, but the doctors said she'd be coming home tomorrow for the past 5 days, then continued to push the time back. I understand, and I want her to stay as long as she needs to be safe. But I just miss her dearly... I haven't seen her in person for over a week... I didn't even get to do a video call with her today... You know, my lupus is flaring so bad that I had to call out of work Christmas Eve. I couldn't move. Couldn't stand. I'm still in pain days later, however many it may have been since then. I go to sleep and it's dark. I wake up and it's dark. And maybe, one day soon, I'll see the sun again... Gotta keep going until I do.

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

the holidays are always really fucking weird, i dont like many of them but specifically December is just- ew

Anyway ill just thro my mini pitty party real quick:

These song explains how I feel about christmas time *perfectly*

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas by mother mother (christmas playlist)

From heres basically a trauma dump about being in the hospital, but i typically talk about this in a tone more like "oh yea! i nearly died lmao"

When i was like, just turning 6 I had 💫pneumonia💫 & needed to go to the 💫hospital💫. So I spent like, 12/11-31/15 in the hospital. along the way i had these treats happen (not really in order, 💜=story from family member, ❤=i actually remember this)

💜being diagnosed by my sisters 16 yo boyfriend by looking at my gums, whereas medical staff took 4 days

❤Some mcdonalds, cool auntys banana bread, jello & making popin cookin sets w/ my older sister

💜a 5 day medically induced coma

lung surgery therefor cool fuckin scars on my back (WHICH I CANT FUCKING SHOW ANYONE CAUSE I WAS CURSED W/ TITS AND 2/3 ARE UNDER MY BRA)

💜waking up from said coma periodically only to say "im scared" w/ my mom trying to comfort me but i had ear shit going on

💜Finnaly actually woke up, yelled "IM DEAD", which is reportadly the scariest shit my dad has ever heard, my mom asks if i hurt, i say yes, she like "ur not dead honey" again i was 6 & in & out of a coma 😂 (idk why but I've always found that story funny)

💜my parents being thretened w/ truancy by my dumbass school

❤Christmas, I had *2* mini christmas trees in my hospital room 💅 1 was cool but my cool uncle & aunty got me a pink 1 which I still have to this day as a lamp

💜only trusting 1 of my doctors cause he looked like my grandfather who'd been deceased for 2years at that point

❤💜going on walks around the kids floor in a wheelchair & stealing a little gingerbread beanie baby ornament but they didnt care so they just let me keep it & i still have it somehwere.

💜my mom met a lady who had a son who was a few months old & they didnt expect to live past a couple weeks but he *did* (more on that later)

💜had food in the cafeteria and i proceeded to rub the pizza i got *into my hair*. My response? "Its just cheese" my family and I quote that to this day lmao.

💜being reverted to a toddler for a good minute (someone asked my age i said i was 3, i was not) & needing to relearn walking, talking, the little bit of reading i knew & getting into a shower w/out being scared of being pulled down the drain

❤said dude who asked my age worked at the hospital cafeteria & we visited him after most of my appointments. miss u uncle (that was what he went by), wish u well. Dont know where he since covid cause the part of the building cafeteria was in was torn down.

❤and after all that later and i got releaced on new years eve :>

results:

From there forward i had a 20-30minute nebulizer to do every 4 hours (which my parents had to wake up at like 2am for a half hour for), 2 twice daily inhailers, 2 nasil sprays, "the tire" (tastes like shit and makes me feel anxious) (that isnt even all of it my mom counted 8 meds at one point) and i slowly dropped them year by year till they had me down to just rescue inhailer as needed & if my lungs r really shit for a min i go on the tire. (Tire=prednisolone but what 6 year old is remembering that name lol)

specialist appointments every week, then 2 weeks, then every month, 3 months, 6 months, now im at checkup every year and check in as needed

"Look whos inside again" by bo burnham is my life in a nutshell

To this day the smell of a consentrated area of hand sanatizer just has me stop in my tracks lol.

seeing a picture of tiny me on my parents facebook feed yearly of me unconscious in a hospital bed w/ tubes in mah face

couple of close friend i met post hospital (keep in mind i was like 7) didn't believe me so i ran around the playground cursing them the fuck out (never did get in trouble for that 😂) ((I still talk to 1 of them shes cool))

Idk where to put this but about that kid I was talking about before, I found out last year around this time he had just died- of 💫pneumonia💫. yea that fucked me up for a good minute, he was around 6 too which didn't help, I never even met the kid and I still had a weird form of survivors guilt.

Anyway have a merry fucking christmas i really dont get this holiday lol, treat yourself kindly, feel free to be the grinch you are and explain in detail why u hate the holidays u arent alone lol

[wolf-twenty-one]

my meds been messed up the past month or so (gonna be fixed next week ayyyee) so my sleep schedule has continued to be a little fucky, but recently i started fully making breakfast/coffee/tea/snacks/meal prep/etc at like midnight or 1 am before i lay around and eventually go to bed, and i have to say it has me feeling way more like a person. i kept skipping breakfast and coffee and feeling like absolute shit all day, totally off my game, appetite fucked and meal schedule a nightmare, and then too exhausted after work to do anything but eat one meal and then lay in bed until my brain finally lets me drop at like 2am. and i'm so used to what i've done for most of my life which is just buckle down, wake up extra early, and do all my prep before work, that i didn't think about reversing that for a while my brain is on another schedule. but the past week or so has been fantastic, i can sleep in until the last possible second, i get all the food i need, i feel way better, and it's keeping me more on track until my new meds arrive and i can get back to a more normal schedule and level of functionality.

anyway tldr: can you change any behaviours to make yourself happier and healthier? reverse engineer any previous methods of helping yourself? 💚

[penelopecruzcoded]

last night i lay up in bed after hours eating chocolates and i was going rather hard on myself about it. sure, it wasn't a binge, and that was commendable, but i was still eating food after hours.

i need to be careful not to be so rigid in my eating that i fall back into dangerous traps from the ED realm and not allow myself leeway for any sort of little treat outside of my rules. my rules are not that strict, are not that many, in fact they are quite few (i think) and maybe that is exactly why i am so stringent on following them through, because there's only so many. but i shouldn't be so hard on myself for eating after midnight every now and then — i have to remember where i came from, a time and place when eating at 2am in excessive amounts was the norm and happened like clockwork, almost every night. this is fantastic progress, excellent even, and i lose perspective and fail to see it when i judge myself for these tiny slip-ups and indulgences. even the most rigid dietitians say you should be allowed to indulge in moderation from time to time, and everybody who takes care of their body does it, from the rock to whatever starlet whose body everyone is envying this week. everyone has a 'little thing' every now and then. it's human. i understand i'm trying to drop all this excess weight and get fit as fast as possible to make up for all the years i couldn't so much as look in the direction of getting back to my "old" life, but i shouldn't rush it in this manner.

things to keep in mind.

some images to keep in mind, also.

also, LOL, yesterday i was like damn, i've sure been craving chocolate these past two days and today i got my period. just the body doing body things, after all.

[auniverseforgotten]

Salieri and Mozart with 2, 6 and 8 for the ship game

YAHOOOO TY FOR THE ASK TEA!!!

Ship meme is here for those who wanna do it themselves or send any in!! Read more just in case hmmm

2. Who gets up to cook at 2am?

Oooo here we go with me never able to decide anything again!! Realistically I think they both do all sorts of kitchen bullshit at 2am BUT FOR SPECIFICALLY waking up at 2am and cooking it's definitely Mozart. Rolls out of bed and wanders off to cook half asleep, almost sets the kitchen on fire but it's fine he has his food stop yelling Antonio the flames are simply Ambience. He's not a bad cook he is just Fully out of it

For Salieri I think it's more when he can't sleep or when he's stressed out he'll go to the kitchen at all hours to just bake and bake and bake. Yes I'm a stress baker why do you ask. If he needs to take up a lot of time, like if he goes back to sleep it will be Bad, he'll probably make something like Panettone which takes HOURS and in between the three multi-hour proofs he'll bake other, simpler things.

Also think it would be cute for Mozart to stumble into the kitchen still practically asleep because the bed is COLD now, Antonio, what is so IMPORTANT to leave him to the COLD and then maybe Salieri will make him a snack if he doesn't whine too much.

6. Who is always, always running late?

Mozart 100%. You'd think their past lives would make them both good at keeping on time with things, but that's the thing. Nothing is gonna be as high stakes as concert for the emperor and his court and while Mozart can definitely be quick if it's an emergency his bar for emergency is VERY HIGH. He's never late to anything for Marie [which occasionally becomes an arguing point which is resolved by him also trying very hard to never be late for anything with Salieri.]

Salieri is designated Mozart Collector if they need him actually on time for something, he will go and drag his ass out of bed or off the piano and physically carry him to wherever they need to go if need be. Mozart laughs about it the entire time bcus he can never take anything seriously [until he has to].

OCCASIONALLY this backfires bcus if it's something Salieri doesn't really want to go to it gives Mozart the chance to coerce him into a nap or composing or just spending time together, and then you're down TWO composers. At that point you've just lost them unless you can convince a child servant to go fetch Salieri [or Hessian bcus Lobo PUPPY] but even then sometimes it simply becomes Bigger Naptime or Putting on a Production for The Children. RIP Master of Chaldea.

8. Who is a morning person? Who is a night owl?

Salieri is definitely a night owl. But like he's a night owl the same way I am; his productivity is best at night and he feels a lot freer at night but he still can and will drag himself out of bed at way too early o'clock because he has to, and the obligation of that gets him awake every time. This does mean he is chronically sleep deprived tho bcus no matter how little sleep he gets he WILL get up to meet his obligations. I don't think anyone could even mistake him for a morning person his eye bags are one of his most prominent [and very good] features in my mind [also crows feet,,,,,lil wrinkles,,,,yes good,,LET HIM BE TIRED AND HAVE SOME WRINKLES FATE YOU COWARDS]. This man is OVER TWO HUNDRED YEARS OLD and TIRED put him in a HOME.

MOZART meanwhile everyone assumes he's a morning person because if he needs to be somewhere in the morning he is up and annoyingly cheerful and awake but no it turns out what he is is a "i have not slept for two weeks because I've been working on a new piece and now that I'm a servant I am less constrained than I was in my physical body" type of person. Consistently working himself to the bone and to a degree that he genuinely can't help, he just gets taken away by the muse and he's stuck there until it's done. Salieri is usually the one to pick up the pieces/carry him back to their rooms/physically drag him away from whatever he is doing to actually REST.

With their power combined they have a completely non-functioning sleep schedule that is destroyed every time they decide to collaborate on a piece together.

THANK U SO MUCH FOR THE ASK THIS WAS SO FUN WAHOO

[blackberryblueberry]

M, sixth meeting

After the whirlwind move, M kissed me on the cheek before I got out of his car and told me to let him know when I'd settled in. I didn't contact him. I felt intense disappointment about falling for him in spite of many signs that he didn't want a relationship and saw this as a casual thing. Could I even trust my own feelings? Was I being puppeted by oxytocin? Was it that easy to attach? I needed to stop chasing mirages. I decided to let go, to try to find an appropriate partner.

Two weeks later M texted me. I responded immediately. We went back and forth a bit and made vague plans to hang out. M picked me up and drove us to Flushing for food and then the park at College Point, where we sat on a stone bench and ate lychees. In the intervening two weeks I'd moved past hoping for anything from him other than friendship, so I had intended to keep the mood platonic. We stood by the water and watched the planes land at Laguardia, backgrounded by the Manhattan skyline, and M put his hand on my back and I didn't object. I hadn't ever been to this part of this city and hadn't realized that Rikers Island was next to LaGuardia, such that the incoming jets flew directly over the prison. M said that he'd often bike up here on his own. On the walk back to his car I asked him absently if he'd texted his father for father's day, only to realize immediately that this was his first father's day after his father had passed away.

We tried to drive to Orchard Beach but it was closed, so we drove onward to City Island instead. We ate at an elaborately decorated seafood restaurant (large wooden fish decked in neon signs and model propeller planes hung from the ceiling). Then we walked down to the bay and sat on the wall marking where private property began. There were sailboats sitting in the bay and the moonlight played on the water and ahead was still the Manhattan skyline. We sat on the concrete wall for a while. We drove through the Bronx down past Mott Haven and back to my neighborhood in Queens. It was 2am and the highways were mostly empty. M looked for parking in his usual spot, but found none; as we crawled slowly and inquisitively over the bridge, sex workers peered into our car.

At my apartment, we cut up some honey melon. I showered, and then he did, but first he fixed my over-door hanger so that the bathroom door could shut. It didn't seem clear to me that we'd even hook up, or who would initiate it, and eventually he kissed me. We kissed and groped a bit. He was the only person who'd ever licked my nipples in a way that felt good. I asked whether we might try something, but I couldn't think of anything to try, so we just talked about trying things, and eventually we talked about domination, and contempt, and being mean, and resistance, and conflict. And we got on the subject of hating, and he said, "I don't think I could be a you-hater" and I said, "I don't think I could be a you-hater either" and he asked, "Why not?"

"I think you would beat me to it. Any character flaws I saw you'd already have seen."

"I don't think hating has to be about finding character flaws," he said. He said that you could hate constructively, like telling your friend, "Why are you doing that shit, you know it doesn't matter, why don't you do what matters?" I was in awe at the idea of constructive hating. I think I said something vague about hating on clout-chasing and careerism, but it seemed to infect everything, and he said that it was more possible to withstand these things once he'd clarified his own values. He was right, I knew he was right. "You're wise," I said. At that moment I grew very tired. It was 5am. "I feel like I've hit a wall," I said.

"A sleepy wall?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go to bed."

We crawled into bed, and I think we could have just slept, but then I kissed him and pulled him on top of me. He ate me out, putting his fingers inside me at the same time, and at times I almost came, but not quite. Then I went down on him. When I raised my head, he pulled me up, and I crawled onto my stomach while he put on the condom (Okamoto 3.0), and then maneuvered me onto my knees. He fucked me, pulling my hair, and then I lowered down to the bed, and twisted to kiss him. He turned me onto my back and pulled my legs over his shoulders. We fucked that way, with me all folded up, a position I've now gotten used to because of him. He fucked me intensely and then broke off, flopping down next to me. "Did you come?" I asked.

"No," he said, in a tone like it should've been obvious.

I held him for a bit. We were breathing heavily. He kissed my forehead. Eventually I climbed on top of him to ride him. That's how he eventually came, fucking me from below. He was groaning and I could see the whites of his eyes as they rolled back into his head. He held my hips and pushed me down onto his dick as he came. It seemed like he was having a powerful orgasm.

And it felt good for me too. I lay down next to him, and he held me and kissed my face all over, including in the inner corner of my eyes--a very tender type of kiss. It would have been nice to get this type of kiss from someone who loved me. He took my hand and turned on his side so that I was big spoon. I couldn't sleep. Eventually I left the room and went to sleep on my couch, but I didn't have my ear plugs so I couldn't sleep then either. The birds were chirping loudly, and a few hours later there came the usual thumps from upstairs like a kid was running around.

I remembered that I had to go to work early. At 9am I went into the room and woke him. "You can let yourself out," I said. "Don't forget to take the leftovers." He nodded OK to all of it. I kissed him, but he didn't seem interested in the kiss. On my way out I doubled back and said, "Let me know if you want to see the Kaurismaki on Tuesday, I can get comp tickets." He was on his phone. "Sure," he said, in a way that indicated that he wouldn't.

The whole day I didn't hear from him, not even to let me know that he'd left my apartment. At work I learned that the project I'd worked on for two years had been terminated. I hadn't cared about it the entire time - I'd thought it was shit code written for a shit purpose - but knowing that it'd been terminated cemented a feeling of directionless and pointlessness, and also loss and self-abandonment. I wanted my work to feel purposeful. Seeing M felt pointless, too. I wanted to be around people who gave a shit about me and to work on things that mattered to me.

[brieflie]

Just venting here, feel free to scroll past. Warning, I do talk about feeling nauseous and sick if you decide to read.

I've been feeling so sick lately, I can't help but wonder if its never going away. This flare-up has lasted me almost a week and I spend at least an hour a day hunched over a trash bag trying not to throw up. Even just having a bottle of juice over the period of an hour makes my stomach get horrible cramps that leave me curled up in bed. As I write this it's past 2am and I haven't even bothered trying to sleep.

At this point all I want is food I can eat and process without pain, discomfort, and nausea but that's not possible. I just wish there was something that we could do right now to get me feeling better but the only thing left is more tests in a few weeks. I'm even starting to wish I could have a feeding tube because eating makes me feel so horrible.

This is seeming more and more like it's gonna really mess with my schoolwork, I've already had an extension for one of my projects but I can't get to the computer lab and focus like this. I'm skipping classes because I'm just stuck dry heaving and that's not very conducive to passing them.

There's so little I can actually eat and I miss normal foods like pizza, burgers, alfredo pasta, tacos, peanut butter, strawberries, chocolate, milkshakes, cookies, macaroni and cheese, and so much more. I eat so few foods now and the next step for me would be to remove even more. I'm scared.

We still don't know the cause of my gastroparesis and likely never will, but I just hope my body fixes this because I cannot imagine living like this for years more, let alone the rest of my life.

[steamishot]

new year 2024

this holiday break was pretty fun, despite being sick for the majority of my time off. it was nice to have a big party that was constantly going, with all loved ones together.

i arrived back in LA on the 16th night at 10pm. my brother offered to pick me up because he had some coffee equipment he wanted to drop off at my parent's house. he was coughing in the car during the majority of the drive home. because it was like 2am EST by then and i just got off a long plane ride, my body was probably also weaker. i also thought i became "stronger" because i'm able to withstand the NYC cold so i didn't bundle up as much as i usually would - meaning, i was walking around with just a tshirt instead of sweater. i also went to their house again on monday to WFH before heading to pick my parents up at LAX, and my brother continued to cough a lot around me. anyway, i started feeling sick a week afterwards, coincidentally after my last work week. it started with having a sore throat that turned into a painful sore throat, then a full on cold with a LOT of coughing. i think it's the sickest i've been (minus covid) for the past 5-8 years and it lasted like a whole 8 days.

we spent christmas at my aunt's house. i was masked up with a sore throat, but wasn't feeling that bad yet. she cooked an amazing hot pot dinner. i gifted my cousins $25 each and wrote them a card. i was supposed to pick matt up from the airport that night (he was scheduled to arrive at 12:30am, but ended up arriving an hour earlier due to it being christmas/less crowds). he asked his brother to get him instead so i could rest.

that week, i progressively got worse. we were supposed to go to hot yoga and rescheduled it 3x, but ended up not going at all. on thursday, i went to LAX to pick up my auntie and uncle who were visiting from dallas. i was coughing basically the entire drive back. my aunt is a feisty/funny one with good fashion sense and her man is a white former policeman. we got khmer noodles in chinatown. i gave up my room for them to stay in. that night, i drove over to matt's place to sleep. his dad recently got a new tempurpedic mattress and duvet, and it's now like sleeping on a cloud (big upgrade from the previous spring mattress). his family gave me some antiobiotics and matt made me some hot lemon ginger tea.

friday morning, we were supposed to all head out to indio airbnb for a big family gathering (14ppl + baby). like our previous trip maybe 5 years ago, there was some drama about people not wanting to go or being on the fence about going. it was last minute that my grandma and uncle S decided to join. then even more last minute, uncle M decided to back out. then last last minute, uncle M decided to join again. so, we successfully got everyone out there lol. i was feeling really crappy this morning and almost didn't want to go. but i felt hopeful that taking antibiotics would help. we all met at my parent's house and departed from there - 3 cars total. the airbnb had 6 rooms and everyone got to sleep comfortably on a bed. there was a pool table, grill, jacuzzi/heated pool, and game room so everyone was pretty entertained. i was in and out of resting but it was really nice to have everyone around. the next morning, we took some fun group photos outside and it's a time i'll cherish forever. it's not easy to get the family together like this.

i spent that night and the next day at matt's again. with my family, it was about chilling and having fun. with his family, it's all about work/planning lol. his parents talked to me about planning a trip to japan, and also about a trip to vegas next week when matt's in town again. i let them know that japan is a bit far for us to fly out to from NYC (16 hours) and to wait until matt's job prospects are clearer. it would make sense to go once he has more than a week off at a time. for NYE dinner, we had bbq steak and skewers. i was still feeling sick but on the path to recovery by this time. that night, we retired early around 10pm because i had to drop matt off at LAX at 5am for an early flight back to NYC.

i spent more time with my aunt on her last days here. it took some time for us to warm up to each other, but it's always nice to spot some similarities within the family. she has a very feminine, aggressive strength that i admire. we went thrift shopping together and she helped pick out an elegant simple black helmut lang dress for me. i put on home alone 2 to watch together with her and my mom. i missed her after she left.

SS invited me to a classpass workout on 1/2 but we decided to reschedule for next time. even though we didn't get to meet, i appreciated the thought. i had the goal of running 2 miles multiple times a week and was successful up until the point where i got sick. i haven't done any workouts in the last 10 or so days. SZ will come over later for a baby workout.

therapy: i had my first video session with monica today. i felt a little awkward at first. she looked older than i thought she was (based off of her grad year, she's supposed to be around my age). i felt more closed off with the video on than on our previous phone call. i also noticed that i feel self conscious if i see her eyes looking elsewhere (thinking am i boring you, am i communicating well enough, are you listening, etc) and i share less when this happens. anyway, this session was OK. we had both come back from holiday mode. i had a generally great week and a half or so, so it didn't feel good to resurface my issues that i temporarily forgot about or to rehearse/explain them to someone else. it was like "here's reality again". or even worse, it felt like i was listing out all my problems, which takes even more effort for someone who doesn't already know me/my life. and also a bit more effort to explain the realities of a medical career. she asked a lot of questions, and had more questions after each of my answers without much feedback. i honestly felt worse after this session. i questioned if my issues are severe enough to warrant therapy or if it's more beneficial to chat with friends about it for support. anyway, i have another session with her next wednesday - we'll see how it goes. perhaps it's not a good fit, or this is just part of the process.

babysitting: my brother and SIL have been really really dependent upon my parents for babysitting. my SIL grew up rich and always had this mentality that she's the boss/can order other people around. she has a lot of tact so can get by with it. my parents (mostly dad) really missed my niece during their 3 week cruise, so they were happy to babysit her when they came back. the daycare was also closed for the holidays for a week. however, they're still really tired, from their own duties/chores, running businesses, entertaining visitors, meeting friends, etc. yesterday, my SIL received news that the daycare will be closed for the next two weeks due to personal issues - which means more work for my parents. though they are technically happy to babysit their grandbaby, it can also be extremely exhausting. my niece is also getting to be really spoiled because everyone dotes on her. today, my parents decided to start letting her be diaper-less. my dad spanked her for the first time ever twice today, like really hard, because she peed her pants after having the chance to pee on the toilet. he was only ever loving/doting/accommodating to her since she was born so it was shocking to finally see this discipline. i don't know how i feel about spanking.

[eviefrve]

past couple of weeks I've been going through a really bad depressive episode. it's hard to get out of bed. it's hard to do anything without feeling the need to take a nap after. it's hard

yesterday we went to this games talks event thing and it was the first time I'd been outside in like 3 weeks except to go to work and I knew it might have a terrible time. I'd mentioned this to my bf the night before and he told me if I wanted to go home I could

I did a lot yesterday, I had my supervisor meeting for my Honours project, I had a wellbeing meeting to discuss how I'm feeling, we ate lunch with friends before the event. I was already reaching my limit before the event even started

and an hour or so into it, I'm having to say hi to other friends there, have conversations with them, listen to speakers, deal with the noise of 100 people all talking when they were taking breaks and it was getting to much for me and I told him I want to go home and he said, stay for a couple more and I did

and I said again I want to go home and he tells me he doesn't want to stay too long either, so stay for a couple more because nows the actual game talks instead of things about business and we'll go home together

and we ended up staying another 2 or so hours and the entire time I'm freaking out. it's too loud and I'm hungry and I kind of just want to scream and I'm upset because he told me I could go home if I wanted and he spent the entire time asking me to stay

and I understand maybe he was trying to help, maybe? but I'd reached my limit twice over by this point. I knew I was going to feel the effects of it worse than I would have if I'd left the first time I said I wanted to

and we get home and I tell him, I was annoyed that he made me stay and he tells me he didn't make me, I could have left whenever I wanted but he wanted me to try to stay so I hadn't wasted my money and so I could listen to some interesting things. but it's my money. and I couldn't take anything in.

we went to bed at 2am and I got up at half 3. at 3 he came in and asked me to get up, he said please, I'll make you a cup of tea and I asked him to give me a bit of time, I need to prepare myself, keeping in mind I've told him so many times just getting out of bed is pushing it for me most days. and he sits and looks at me and he does this for a few minutes and then I tell him he doesn't have to sit and stare and me and so he gets up in a huff saying, do what you want, and leaves.

he doesn't get to be pissed off at me for being depressed. I'M pissed off at me, he's not allowed. I understand it's hard on him but he's not allowed. I don't want to be this way, I want things to go back to how they were and god I wish I could try harder but especially with how much over the edge I was yesterday I just need to try and recover myself today

I just dont know how to explain this to him without him getting annoyed, without another conversation about how he's just trying to help me. because it isn't helping me. it's making me feel even worse

he's not a bad boyfriend I just think sometimes he doesn't understand and I've tried to explain but he doesn't get it. my wellbeing advisor gave me some advice and I do want to try and do some of it but I can't change things overnight

[boba-beom]

You’re the precious one! I hope he doesn’t make you feel like he made you feel last time. If a friendship does form after this than it’s great if not I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Sorry I’m an Anti-romantic [•_•]

I get shy when you call me a cutie ☺️

I haven’t been out at all. I’ve been home watching movies! Seems like your weather can’t make up its mind. Our weather has been consistently hot.

I saw the bedding they looked so cute love how txt always adds a touch to our lives. As for your sisters nails did she end up loving them? (I’ll be mad if she didn’t since you spend your time doing it for her)

Nothing too exciting let’s how the new week will treat us. I’ve watched modern family it’s really funny!

There is an anime that looks interesting called “say I love you” and I want to start it. There is also this new kdrama called King the land. These are the two shows I wanted to watch!

P.S out of the Jonas brothers who do you think is the best dressed?

Love anon 🧡

thank you for looking out for me <3 I know it's not that much of a big deal but I'll get past it sooner or later. aw hehe why are you shy?? you're adorable aw. the weather never makes its mind up here but it's okay because I'll be going on holiday soon :>

I'm just in luck that the bedding matches the theme of my room hehe and yes! she loves them! we finished around 2am because we had a midnight snack and got distracted 😭 I'm about to do mine today >:) thinking of doing green aura nails to match beomgyu's mesh top from the lullaby photoshoot

I hope the next week will treat you well! I feel like I won't have much time to be active on here after next week so I'm gonna have to start scheduling things >_< I'm still on s1 ep23 but my sister's finished it I think! I used to watch superstore and I loved it sm, same with Kim's convenience but I'm bummed with how it ended :<

oh! I haven't heard of say I love you. I just tried to find it on netflix but it's not on there, is it anywhere in particular? I usually just go on an anime website or smth if I can't find it. King the land! I've seen a lot of people talk about recommending and wanting to watch it, so I'm intrigued to know! but I am still in the middle of alchemy of souls and see you in my 19th life in terms of kdramas!

I think, in terms of recently, joe is the best dressed, he's got his own chill style whereas nick has more of a distinctive style (I'm basing this off of pictures I searched on google), but nick definitely either has a pop of colour or the odd patterned button down. from what I see on kevin's ig, he has more of a simpler style. they each have their own charm but yeah, I'll go with joe ^^ who do you think is best dressed? omg did you ever watch camp rock?! if so, did you prefer the first or second movie?

[finsterhund]

I just don't fucking know man.

I guess "respect for the source material" is what I wish more people had for Heart of Darkness? The more and more time progresses the more it feels like I'm the only person who actually loves this game for what it is and what it's trying to do. So many other people just clearly want it to be something else and because it's such an important thing to me that is absolutely infuriating.

In the past there used to be more fans who were in live with the game akin to the way I am. Lili, Shynox, who are long gone now and I miss them. Fishy too was a lot more actively writing. Life hits hard. I myself have not created anything constructive or transformative or artistic in fucking years. Miserable.

I think back about how somebody refered to me as a "fandom of one" and yeah. That's what it feels like. That I'm alone. Or almost alone. Insert "American chestnut tree root stump metaphor" or whatever stupid fucking shit here.

Thinking now with the clairvoyance and functionality of my brain at 2AM a big factor I think for my mental collapse and loss of passion for things was that I had the entire year I was grieving Cazza this one guy who would not stop bothering and pestering and annoying me with shitty HoD ideas and they went as far as to repeatedly violate my personal space and do things that were a potential danger to themselves and others even though I repeatedly told them not to. How that quickly sapped away the energy I have for my loves and my passions. How I'm trying to take time to grieve the greatest thing in my life being torn from me and I'm getting someone shitting on my favourite thing in the universe that I should have been able to fall back on for support.

I'm still always going to be the biggest fan of heart of darkness. Uncontested. The power of my extremely obsessive brain will see to that. Nobody will love this game as much as I do, or the way that I do. But I'm just a husk of how I used to be.

I miss being active online with my friends. But I struggle to be there and present. Our new TTRPG was put on indefinite hiatus and things are a struggle for much of them as well. Nobody can fucking win in this world it seems.

It's about a week until my birthday and then a little over a week after that it'll be the anniversary of Cazza's death. I don't think I'm going to be strong enough to make it.

My roommate's evidently had a serious mental break so for the past month just about I've been the only pillar in this household. Despite how I'm falling apart and deteriorating I'm forced to be the glue that's the only thing that keeps this whole operation together. I think maybe t reason I haven't just gone and killed myself is the pressure of knowing that nothing will sustain itself in my absense here. It's a weight and a burden. It is not a comfort. In the end my roommate wanting to sit and lie on my bed just to be close with me things like that chip away at my sense of space. I don't want to hurt him but you know how territorial I get. How much I need for my space to be mine. Stuff like this. Little things that over time wear down what walls I do have to support myself.

I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or anything. But I'm really fucking struggling here.

I think ultimately I am lonely? I know I've regressed back into a lot of aspects of my toddler years. I've been yearning for my grandparents more blatantly again. It's like they say where when you're dying your life flashes before your eyes.

Idk. I know there's people who care about me in my life. That I should feel loved. But it's hard sometimes.

I just wish there were people who loved HoD like I do. That I had a community and a family. Not that we were all separated by distance, borders, financial constraints of capitalism.

Sometimes I just hate being alive.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 50

Very brief message because it's 3:30AM and all I want is to SLEEP.

I made the reckless decision to brutally go off antidepressants completely just so I can experience the full syptoms of whatever mental illness(es) I have so I can get a better and hopefully more accurate diagnosis and be take more seriously next time I see a psychiatrist.

Three days ago I felt EXTREMELY anxious for asbolutely no reason at all. I wanted to go to the restaurant, I went, and almost as soon as I stepped foot out of my flat, I got anxious. Over nothing. I just FELT anxious. And I was also super irritated by everything. That was the case yesterday too, and a little bit today as well, but it really is less and less.

These past two days I've been feeling super motivated and happy. I can get lots of stuff done and I want to get lots of stuff done. I believe in crazy shit like "I'm going to write a book and have it published" or "I'm going to study 3D animation" or "I'm going to become a tattoo artist". And to think 3 days ago I just thought I was going to do none of that and just work whatever job I'd be given...?

Anyway, I know this is probably very temporary and a relapse is probably going to kick in soon, hopefully in a week or two only, but it's probably more a matter of a couple of days.

I got my Heartstopper tattoo and I'm so so happy about it. I also love my tattoo artist. What I see in her is like... a 15 year older version of myself? We happen to have quite a lot in common except she is under medication that really treats her illness well and therefore she is pretty stable and enjoys her daily life, and that just gives me hope for my own future.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog updated more regularly, especially because I wanna keep track of how my mental state evolves, especially since I've had a hard time focusing and remembering anything lately, and also because whenever I feel bad I get sort of "black outs" and forget :')

See you soon hopefully

xx

Update:

I posted the first part at around 3/4AM so in order to update I must do it on the same post.

Around 2AM I felt peaceful and like I was about to fall asleep but I made the very stupid decision to reply to my grandma's messages knowing it was going to take me 2 hours. So at around 4/5AM, when I finally could go to bed, I felt super anxious, I felt like someone was in the room watching like lowkey paranoid. I think I even woke up in the middle of the night hearing someone's breath but honestly it was probably just mine obviously. I think I fell back asleep and woke up again a little before 12PM.

Then I knew I really had to finish preparing my trip to England which is just under two weeks away from now but it made me so fucking anxious. I still managed and ended up taking a lot of pleasure in it! I was pretty much laughing hysterically at everything.

Then I got up to get prepared because I'm getting my 2nd booster against Covid, which I was totally chill about until I left the house and almost had a full blown crisis with tears and anxiety, which I've been trying to fight for the past hour. It's only 10 mins til my appointment. I'm not scared of the shot in itself, I'm just too unstable. I'm not even sure the vaccine in itself is the real cause of my mental anguish, I think it's mostly because I promised myself after this shot I would stop wearing my mask, which should be liberating but instead makes me feel miserable.

We're the 21st of April and it's day 3 (I think) with no medication at all. I refrain from taking anything, not even a bit of medication against anxiety.

At some point I tried to remember what I did yesterday and just couldn't for about a minute. I still feel dizzy when I walk most of the time. When I say or think about the words "death" I just wanna cry. I wish I could die to end the suffering right as I'm writing this but when I think of dying I just get traumatizing flashbacks from my dad's death.

I'm trying to sit down somewhere and collect myself because I really must not cry in front of some poor strangers working at the pharmacy. They haven't done anything to deserve to see me like this.

I am so in pain right now. I wish a doctor would listen and try to help.