#idea of being perceived scares me but i still must post

[apsupmix]

I've seen lots of posts treating tumblr and twitter users like some totally different breeds of people. But ultimately both sites core content is fundamentally same, no value shit-posts. Sure different tools provide different types of shit-posts but that difference is irrelevant.

Also I mean "no value" in the most loving way possible.

[nobody-viii]

The Turks - Context Clues (The Kids Are Alright)

@accala posted an excellent inquisitive post about the Turks here and their motivations and to add some The Kids Are Alright: A Turks Side Story book context, imma leave this here. Couldn't find the quote I was looking for, but here's some things I found interesting. NOTE: I feel like Advent Children did the Turks a little dirty, but I really loved the banter as a kid. This book has some of the same campy shortcomings, but take it or leave it, here's what I found.

1.) The Healen Lodge from Advent Children was an R&R facility for Shinra, universally accepted as the worst one by employees. The Turks/Rufus chose it for its tactical advantages, but it also shows how far back on their heels they were. "The Shinra empire had ruled most of the world up until two short years ago, and it didn't sit right with Elena that the company president had to live in such a desolate place. Yes, medical treatment was available, security was way better away from the city, and the commute was only two hours by car; the staff could have had it much worse." - pg. 14

2.) The abandoned rec hall was being used by Shinra as a lab to convert SOLDIER stimulants into geostigma treatments. The project was Elena's idea, with the resulting medication being donated free of charge to city medical professionals and the WRO. (pp. 16-17)

3.) Reno & Rude were sent into the city to retrieve a stolen item from a teenager (read the book for details I'm too lazy to go into it), and when he started crying and shaking, Reno and Rude switched to a new script. "Aw, look. The kid's really scared." The redhead sounded sympathetic now. "That's what we came to do," the bald one pointed out. And: "Now, we put on our best tough-guys acts on the way over, so we can't just leave without roughing anyone up," said the redhead. "Our job is to teach a lesson to anyone who tries to mess with us." I was still scrambling for an explanation to give them. "Y-you mean, kill me?" was what came out instead. My voice even cracked for good measure. "That's one way to teach a lesson. But we're trying to strike a balance for Shinra, here. We want everyone to love us and maybe be a little bit scared. Killing you would have the opposite effect." (pg. 23) Reno opted to punch the kid in the face, then tell him to keep his chin up, so...balance? Sure. Shinra is, at this point, technically trying to figure out their PR while simultaneously leaning on old habits. Also, the kid calls Reno and Rude a knife and a fork and I thought that was funny.

4.) Reno is described as someone who looked like he 'turned delinquent as a teenager and never grew out of it, like those kids in the Sector Eight warehouses who I still hated and admired in equal measure.' (pg. 23)

5.) Elena roughs up one of the protagonists, but reins herself in when context is presented: She'd paid a visit intending to break Fabio's dominant arm, but when she saw him fight back to protect the child, she changed her plan. Her objective was to punish a thief, not deprive a child with geostigma of his only guardian. (pg. 47)

6.) Reno calls a doctor for the guy he roughed up. Kyrie nodded. "I figured, these guys must have phones, so I asked them to call Dr. Drake. 'Evan's in a bad way 'cause you guys beat him up,' I told them. And guess what? They said they don't know any Evan. So I lost it and said, 'Yeah, 'cause Evan's the one you whaled on when you mixed him up with Fabio. You owe him..... So then the redhead--his name's Reno--he called a doctor. Not Dr. Drake, he said, but a good one..." (pg. 55)

7.) Evan (the protagonist) is trying to work out who would be the easiest Turk to try to forge an alliance with and we get a glimpse of how the Turks are perceived by outsiders (Tseng is an unknown entity to Evan at this time): The most dangerous one was probably the lady Turk who went after Fabio. A close second would be the slab of muscle out there, Rude. Maybe the redhead Reno was more on our level. I thought back to my first impression of him--the grown-up teenage delinquent. Guys like that generally looked out for their own. A sense of solidarity. There had to be an angle I could work. (pg. 57)

8.) There's a whole scene where Evan and Kyrie try to ambush Rude. They choke him, break a chair over him, kick, scratch, the whole shebang and he just brushes himself off and manhandles them to a car (which made me laugh).

9.) Reno and Rude take the protagonists towards Healen in a truck and there's a few moments I found interesting. "So anyway..." Reno was looking at me in the rearview mirror. "Sorry about the shiner, dude. We totally did think you were Fabio. But y'know, I'm impressed you stayed mum and protected your buddy," Reno went on. "Even if you were about to piss your pants." (lol) Then, "Some of us have been slower to to adapt to the new way of doing things," Reno continued. "How many Turks are left?" asked Kyrie. "Can't tell you. That's Shinra's most closely guarded secret." "It's just you three, isn't it?" "Not telling." "But I'm right." "Yeah, you keep thinking that." (pg.63) Rude sleeps through the majority of the ride despite Reno trying to keep him awake. They talk quite a bit about Aerith, because Kyrie and Reno both knew her. Reno warns them not to get mixed up with Shinra's science department.

10.) Evan gets introduced to Rufus for the first time after believing the former president has been dead for two years and Tseng finally exists in this book for two seconds. "He's alive...?" Evan was still speaking to Reno. "I am. The decoy who took my place is not," Rufus replied. "You're a candidate for the position--and from what I can see, you'll do." Evan's jaw dropped, and he stared agape at Reno, then Rufus, then Tseng. Tseng looked down at the ground, trying to hide his laughter. Evan's description of Tseng: He looked like a Turk, too. The very definition of one, in fact. Reno and Rude both showed an awkward humanity--well, sporadically in the latter's case--but this guy was pure ice.

11.) An ill-conceived escape attempt by Evan and crew sees Rufus temporarily kidnapped, as Tseng and Elena are investigating an explosion. Reno and Rude try to stop it, but are ordered back. "Reno, stay back!" Reno obediently halted. I had expected to see fury in his eyes, but all I say was sorrow. Surprisingly, I felt a pang in my chest, too. But there was no other way. I pulled Kyrie's knife from my pocket and opened it--a sad, flimsy little blade, but it could still slice open a throat. "Hey, don't be stupid." I ignored Reno and held the knife to Rufus Shinra's neck. Then, "Reno, take Rude and check on the lab." Suddenly Rufus was giving orders. "Tell Tseng not to get involved here." "Wait, what? Boss, are you sure?!" "Don't worry. I'm as interested in staying alive as you are." Reno reluctantly descended the stairs, glancing over his shoulder almost every step. (pg. 77)

12.) Reno and Rude talk about family and have a lil tiff. "If I found out about a brother I'd never seen, I'd make way more of an effort than those two," Reno insisted. "That right?" Rude said. My colleagues are all I need. "You're not much into family, eh, Rude?" "I'm a Turk," Rude said flatly. "Coolheaded and cold-blooded." He turned and headed for the truck. "Hey, Rude. You pissed at me?" Reno called, an unabashed whine. "C'mon, man. You can't cold-zone me now. Tseng and Elena aren't answering my calls, and the boss just tells me to finish the monument. I know they're starting something awesome without us. We're outcasts! Me and you, you and me. If we don't stick together, then what?" Rude looked back. "Tseng isn't answering calls?" (pg. 94) Reno goes off several times throughout this book about how he'd act if he got the chance to meet family, which makes me wonder about him. "So how'd it feel, meeting your brother?" "I don't think it's sunk in yet." "Well, it's a process, I guess," said Reno. "But you gotta visit once in a while, you know? Then you'll get to figure each other out. Break the ice." (pg. 97)

13.) Reno and Rude are actually partially responsible for the monument in the city. This lil bit kinda gives weight to how long they've been in Shinra. Evan was one of those types who wasn't quite grounded in reality but was full of bravado. A show-off. A scared kid determined to buck people's expectations by pretending he had no fear. And if he kept it up, he was gonna do something stupid enough to get himself killed. Both Reno and Rude had known too many kids like that, from rookie Turks to infantrymen to SOLDIER operatives wet behind the ears from mako infusion tanks.

14.) Reno & Rude get amused by Kyrie treating them like they're not scary. The concern over redemption makes an appearance. "Now what?" Rude stepped closer from his vantage point. Apparently, he'd been watching the whole time. He was pretending he didn't care, but inwardly, Reno was convinced, Rude was intrigued by every act of the farce. Which only made the whole thing funnier. "She said she's hungry," said Reno. "So she's gonna grab something to eat." "It's like she's never heard of the Turks. It's almost refreshing," Rude remarked. So this is what happens when Shinra wins hearts and minds. Reno chuckled again but then remembered that the girl was still afraid of them. He'd seen the goosebumps on her arms. Her toothless threats were her way of gauging the danger he and Rude presented. Evan might trust them, but not Kyrie. Despite what Rude said, she knew what they were and what they were capable of. "You know," said Rude. "She reminds me of Aerith." "Yeah, I was thinkin' that too." Maybe helping them out will redeem us, at least a little bit, he thought. A guy can hope. (pg. 106)

15.) Shinra's resources are thin...and that chopper that ate it in AC was one of the last ones left (cue gross sobbing because in the words of a certain Puppy, Shinra makes good stuff). No one knew exactly how many helicopters the Shinra Company used to have. Within a half a year of Meteorfall, many of them had been looted. Accidents, mechanicals, and other circumstances had taken out others, and now Rufus Shinra and the Turks were left with only three. But even with so few, it was a constant battle to keep them in working order. Also, Rude has mechanical experience and is the one on repairs.

16.) A civilian points out the flaws in Reno's hopes for the future of the Turks. "Well, to be honest, maybe my opinion of you guys is changin'." Doyle looked at Reno again with a level stare. "You're up to better things." Reno couldn't help averting his eyes. Unless it came from a fellow Turk, approval tended to make him uncomfortable. "The monument and the medicine are only one step, you know. Just wait. It might take a while, but Shinra's gonna get off the ground again. Rise again, you hear?" That general idea had been floating around in his head for some time. This was the first time he'd said it aloud. "How?" Doyle scowled, his thick eyebrows lowering. Reno cursed himself for the thoughtless comment. "Can't tell you." "Yeah, I figured. But no one is going to let a violent regime lord it over them again. Not anymore. You tell your president that."

17.) Tseng and Elena bring up the notion of inviting old Turks back into the fold. "For any one person, finding it (Jenova's head) may well seem like a futile task. But there is still a nonzero chance. Either way, staying in contact with our agents and meeting regularly are essential to maintaining organizational cohesion." " But how many...?" Elena glanced around and spoke in a stage whisper. "How many former Turks can we expect to help us?" In his mind, Tseng saw the faces of the old Turks, his former subordinates. Of those, he had made contact with-- They get interrupted and Elena rushes off to investigate something. Tseng watched his operative go with a wry smile. Below the hem of her sundress, old scars marked her legs. Once you joined the Turks, you were in for life. Even those who tried to get out and build new lives could be summoned back with a single phone call. Maybe it was a cruel call to make, Tseng thought. and he sighed.

18.) Reno & Rude defy a direct order from Tseng. "Dumbass," Reno muttered. "What are you waiting for? Engage!" Tseng's command rang from the speakers. "Evan's down there," Rude answered in Reno's stead. "He's already done for," said Tseng. "Fire." "No can do," said Reno. "Reno." Tseng made his name a sharp rebuke. "He's our friend." "Fine. Let me briefly explain--" Tseng's voice abruptly cut out. "Radio trouble," Rude mumbled, his hand drifting away from the radio's master switch.

There are a lot of quirky, funny, violent, or neato moments I didn't list, so check out the book if you want more insight. Hope this gave you some headcanon fodder.

[randomclam24]

I just kind of realized out of necessity, Donald Trump as he was valued, as a precedent-setter candidate, did nothing to install new /ourguy/ candidates even immediately after he was there, because after all the grifters are weeded out, there's the usual GOP as it is

His campaign proves that we already have the people willing to see the country driven as it was supposed to be, but it's the indoctrination process undergirding politicianhood preventing anyone from being a Jeb Bush at any given moment at all times. Are you going to address the implicit groomers in the indoctrination process to being a politician? That's what all these pundits on mainstream news are concerned about - are you really going to - and that's batshit - he never did

2/6 Today I miraculously woke up at 7am and actually went out shopping with my mom even despite the gangstalking

We actually didn't fight today. It went well, and I carpooled to do my minimal shopping along the same trip

It was still pretty awkward, with songs guessing what I was going to do, and then me having to back off playing into feelings of allegiances over stimulation to what I was simply already thinking myself

More importantly, I realized today that it's very easily that I accept unconsciously that my personal takes as I call things are not important - we don't want that. This is on a deeper level It would have been easy to think that it doesn't exist if I had just kept silent. Explaining things gains conversationally to a point that the other person's personal experiences are related, but that comes at the expense of the actual take(and then I go back to thinking that it's okay that I never got my voice heard) Getting the personal observation across is pushing a boulder uphill

Update With the way after this session effectively I thought things were going to go a little different - I have a resume to flesh out for a job posting that finally got posted as described from this program Imgur suddenly drops "We've change things a little here!", with, when you look at the thing described, is the exact system of uploading previously (since I've been doing this practice of going back to abandoned focuses to explain my real "aha moment" to my mom as it had been established by today), it's suspicious as hell when that contours my exact thought pattern (I'm going to make expressing my real feelings more accessible, even though it's prototypically exactly what I've been doing previously)

It's like, they can't *do* anything without not my greenlight per se but my overt "okay" - I must have placed my faith soundly in something they have complete control over.

I'm scared as hell over getting back into the grind after summer 2021 ramping up gangstalking. I explained just that I'm sqeamish to the point I need a work-from-home job

2/7 I don't have a particular reason for using this example other than it was the one that was brought up to produce this reaction - Van Halen - Jump was I figured released in the 80's and I wanted to know if my mom would have been in her prime around that time, and she just said it's just a *stupid* song

My basic reaction is that there isn't a basis for that, but seeing as it was so deep a reaction it just came compulsively without any worries over the fact, it must have come from self-image.

The fact that the act of saying that in itself is going to be what yields to being perceived as like a "cult of personality" - I don't know how to navigate with people going forward

2/10 night Basically yes, I've had to come back to the fact that Silent Hill 4 is basically the only content that's surely going to be useful to this movement

Something I want to say, though: Common Filth's idea of provincialism, I had: the logical conclusion as it is the *concept* is a system like feudalism was a response to outside invaders with regards to the like of international banking. They're, by the fact of not having this complete unrest as the inevitable conclusion, not even doing that - fundamentally - that isn't the ultimate of what the people are doing - not at all

Update My mom when I was young was like, man, what's wrong? You should have girls all over you! That's not what this is. People fundamentally are in perpetuity what you call "on their way", and I'm a nuisance on time. Automatically, they say you would be a lot more attractive if you just ["shut the fuck up and do nothing" - David Rothschild, addressed broadly to Dumpft]

Update I end up thinking, people at their base state is their ultimate striving, to which it satisfies. If that weren't the nature, as Satanists predicate on, there would not exist a deep state - *it is*

People need a supply(, to which there is an inevitable supplier). When I go at that, it runs off as, *all* I'm attacking is capitalism

Update And preceding a movement, which is a defunct term in our sense ['We' I guess in a very loose sense - ("Who's "we"? we need to **get** rid of those")]

I have to consider the implications of having everyone doing Silent Hill 4, because that's the only thing this concerns: every other need preemptively is satisfied via controlled debauchery: in and of itself. That's all our people want.(The *remaining* of those in the Trump crowd rallies, meaning any of the actual crowds, weren't *even* dissident-right(, signaling what we fundamentally really *exist* posing[You think we *pose* anything? ("**We'll** do something about em")]))

Even though I haven't seen it, Astronauts Gone Wild is the only reaction garnered from *real* activity, seeing as everything else has already been firmly and *soundly* resolved through *controlled* debauchery(The Sexual Revolution was in the *sixties* - you're missing if you have to see this).

Update (That yields to a disturbing concept, that, those crowds aren't real Trump supporters, like Silent Hill school wasn't the real school)

Update What are the real crowds?

Update Cancel mob culture holds the depth in energy you alternative right-wing supporters in your "movement" merely claim

** The reason the left is low-energy is because they're being given a do-nothing "I won't incite the in-store 'Astronauts Gone Wild' energy because I'm being a good goy" movement on all fronts from all we even after this is long blown over would ever have seen ** [That's where I would have to cut you off - these so-called dissidents would stab you with the ice pick in the back of the neck if you went on (And that's what we're not internalizing (That's how pathetic we are.) Our so-called energy in "dissidence" has been *against* people like Common Filth specifically, in itself. The *rest* is just *sexual* angst.)]

Remember how HIllary specifically got passed the oranges down the aisle, on the plane with the messages being passed forth? You are that deliberately - why It's like: *I'm looking at this all wrong*. (I'm supposed to see it as that in my act of self-agreement.) They're all in this togther, even the Trump supporters(apparently [apparently? evidently]). I even internally called out the explicit stipulation of the low energy being a requirement to set the stage for the likes of being passed message-oranges - it's like, Trump's just picking fun at us in this act of his of calling it out, like, keep doing your thing boys, I'll just keep being sitting here, dogwhistling(That pretty much sums up what *anyone* is out here doing, being [basically meaning it's all identity masturbation])

Now that it's established that leftists have the depth of energy - people **like** sex

Update By these days it is revealed, "All I see", as an argument against motivatedness for their enemies, is always about propping up on deliberate belation of contact

2/11 Summing up, I checked on the series and returned to the last major area of Silent Hill 3. Eventually, since I wasn't really about to be doing it for its own sake at the time being, I got tired but wouldn't give up, so I ended up doing things a little different where I actually used the blocking move and even banked on it, realizing that the sound made was basically a basketball sound, for some reason, and that's about where it hit me, because it was so obvious, this is obviously not the kind of thing that plays into the era of gaming where also MGS was fresh and even on the same console, but the kind of memetics that would have come out into Monogatari, with weird animal representations

Basically what it comes down to is, it's well-circulated, if not among people, then only among the elites, major league sports was devised as a schematic to divert people's attention off of what would naturally be for military activity

There's no use arguing about it. Having no connection left unsevered to the outside world, we're fully contained as zoo animals.

2/17 Because I finally caved to the desire to make a shitpost mod of Baldi's Basics, but didn't want to be bothered with other engines than the latest commonly-used rendition of Doom Builder, I tried the proof-of-concept of Baldi's Basics actually being recreated losslessly in Doom. Scaling the textures to integrate with Doom's native textures is actually relatively easy, but to actually sell the vibe of the map, at the map level it had to be scaled down specifically, and that invokes UDMF texture scaling, which doesn't work in GZDoom's mapping format in GZDoom for some reason, whereas ZDoom's mapping format does work in GZDoom

I was really only going to do this for a goofy edit

2/18 In analog horror or just the general atmosphere surrounding it, everybody is ultimately copying Chuck E Cheeses, but in the thick of it, nobody remembers actually Chuck E Cheeses, and I just remember good vibes from an era when we didn't have mostly more negative vibes from that, over that one time my parents actually allowed me to go one time without them blowing their stack over all the little kids going there (that's where I discovered the Jurassic Park 1994 2.5D arcade for more than one person)

Update Further from the memory, though, there was this one machine where you're supposed to time a button press in time to catch a falling thing, and it turns out after the fact you've already put in the quarter it's at the moment the quarter registers that the thing falls, not after a button press after the quarter has been entered

I don't trust negative vibes, but I get what you're saying, that was a scam

Update https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUuH0288jbY&list=PLZc9zR5LdxbpkgjwpFS9FhL_OLh_w5XNF&index=10 at around 0:29

I don't know. Does knowing about Silent Hill music make you special?

I'll bet most people making unironic analog horror don't know about Silent Hill.

People knowing about Silent Hill are sitting around with analog horror going on

I say that in a dismissive way, but with all things taken into account, it's a little sad (we're just sitting here)

Update I don't know, but I have an incredible romanticism that I interpret out of the theory of Siren the series, as it is (indeed) the spiritual successor to Silent Hill, made up largely by post-employees of Team Silent, but no one talks about that

The entire theory of it (I think) is that you have to have everything of the previous installment in order, to do the following, so with Siren, the tension is insanely high, so naturally I don't play it

Update Even though it really technically shouldn't be posted

As it comes to the point of Siren that it wasn't even released in America, like I feel it sometimes incidentally anyway

I won't continue on imgur, but as I posted under "extreme casual racism" there, where is it about race? it's about the world we live in - sometimes I get the organic urge to spam the gamer word, and it's not for hate.

Although a great majority of minorities genuinely don't care about the specific country we live in - like what scope do you think that is? and how much of people even care, when they're talking about politics, at that scope to begin with - you could care less whether America lives or dies

Update That what the founding fathers intended is left to just be a minor anecdote in our virtue-signaling makes me wonder what we're living in

2/22 I remember exactly why I didn't want to do Monster Energy anymore - after today's shopping all but physically carrying my mom the whole way on my back, you can be starting to crash, drink Monster Energy, and continue to completely crash.

Some things picked up uniquely from recent accumulated Siren study videos showed a few common themes, which the gameplay itself really isn't there talking about - and I don't do sidequesting-type content on my own

To keep it straight to the point, the focus is of the nature of the town as attunement to this other plane, and after the quip from Common Filth about the elites with the religion that they personally hold, placing the focus for all of us on what happens on "the astral plane", that begs the serious question Moreover, the way I interpret, because based on reality there's no other-plane involvement but a set virtual scenario context that feels to be implied by gangstalking, the comparison by Common Filth, especially with his coining of "embroilment" when there demonstrably is none on my end where it would imply the most broadly, is that there is such embroilment on the end of elites - as I said, *vicariously*

Update I suppose the exact reason Siren 2 wasn't bothered to be released in North America is the same reason liberals are by and large the most insane here - they feel the feeling that they can say "everything is racist, everything is sexist, and you have to point it all out" sans any reason to be saying it - it's fact America, and I suppose North America, following America by and large, is consumerist, rooted on this level If that's the sense of things liberals are getting at, with the way Siren's facial projections have been coined in some of these videos as "deep into the uncanny valley", basically like Monogatari concludes, it doesn't even matter if the main character is a pedophile. That's not the depth of it. "Republicans" - and this, having to do with more specifically us, must define what has been called whiteness as opposed to the race, because not even Europeans have people bite into them as much over this - providing this cultural perpetual lid-covering - (Is there this real reason the jew from the sewer in New York City was so pushed?) are providing a front for something much deeper (which makes no sense out of specific context - no one is doing ( - but then to say "this", which concludes it as the specific context, is not apparently but evidently speaking atrocities))

Update (The lid self-uncovering - oh no they couldn't safeguard our consumerist lifestyle held fast enough) Look - Republicans are what have been called obsessed. That's the reason for their so-called "disseminating" - these are concepts which have been disseminated for however many

2/23 night

So I don't forget as easily, the next massive theme for the game Siren is the years it is attuned to: 1976, pertaining to the ritual, and 2003, in my eyes pertaining to the thematics as released in its timeline of spiritual succession, Silent Hill 3 Although this was deleted from an imgur account being deleted, the 70's is debatably the contentious time in U.S. history associated with the depth of their pearl-clutching. Also, it was allegedly a time when people were feeling hopeless, like they had no hope. This also happened to be after the Sexual Revolution What happened after this? The advent of Star Wars, famously What followed? The Golden Age of Hollywood

2/24 night It's the thing I would never do: hold myself fast while already standing in one position

The same applies sitting at the dinner table, holding position in a congregation, or sitting in formal and not comfortable seating

2/25 The two Five Nights at Freddy's games I never played are three and four. What is different now? The main themes are a struggle that happens inside of you. There is no reason to externalize it into a full experience for its own sake. I'm confident this forcing into external matters is the picturesque reason they call you obsessed

Update

It is obvious the Left is who would be meaningfully using these sources, but as soon as I thought of setting myself to the gameplay of the original, I thought of what is the subtitle to the Americanized later release, blood curse

The review will be long and arduous

2/28

I'm basically asking for handouts here

"Larry David Seems Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Close to Ending 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' With a Re-Do of the Seinfeld Finale"

People didn't need to watch SNL or in general, TV to form their cultural understanding It's just the way Trump supporters, when they appear on TV in general, as the example, present themselves like they already want to be a Rothschild agent or something - they don't even have to watch

3/2 Our celebrities abjectly just sexualize being pitted against adversity for its own sake

Update I didn't like the conclusion of the game, but I figure Blight Dream applies to these Nick Fuentes wannabes whom he says should be "generational" - it's not the 70's

3/3 The new messaging on Panera - we know you're already going to do this habitually, might as well make it pedophilia Common Filth's I guess communally accumulated knowledge of Elon Musk's virtual existence, I do experience that; Pitfall - the Lost Expedition's first genuine level celebrates the Hollywood world-affirmation as of circa 2004

3/4 night People under what conditions people call "incel", not having split personalities by which to experience being God vicariously themselves, with these steady barkings at the system which discard subconsciously, by the way (this is what, the very thing, SOAD meant of plastic existence), once one begins to break rank of faith of their people to break *out* of that four-walls psychology they're baked into - that's where you originate **your own phrase** (not ours) - "you asked for it" - under the jurisdiction of Christ, we *handle*

Look. I betrayed you people- That gave them jurisdiction.

Yeah no - that's exactly why these people keep their subconsciousnesses clean in order so that they can *do* all [] this business in and of itself - you all just couldn't do it because you wanted to keep to yourselves - you did this to yourselves

[liskantope]

I honestly kind of believe that these younger generations, (the people like me who grew up on cartoons and stuff).... seem to view jokes as a social currency, and I believe that there are cases where someone may be afraid to approach a real-life situation, if they don't have some way to attempt to 'assert their intellectual dominance' thru wit.

In my opinion, in those examples you shared of those 'exhausted by existence' slogans, the people have traded physical dominance and ability to get shit done, for a much more cowardly approach, where the individuals still 'feel like' they are not abjectly pathetic, even though their loud fanfare just drives in the point that they are. They're too scared to actually do what they gotta do, so they'd rather sit on top of a mountain and yell at everyone else... while never wanting to actually get involved in shit, because "oh it takes woooork"!

This is my own opinion. I used to sort of feel the same way that those memes describe, but I never was fucking flagrant about it.... and over time I realized that life was about getting better at taking on challenges. It's part of evolution. And those slugs wanna just go slither away, but they still want people to love them... instead of accepting that one's own actions will affect how other people see and treat them, because it's life!

I don't know. That dumb attitude has always pissed me off. It just reminds me of kids who liked the Disney channel kids' sitcoms too much, and the stale, scripted jokes that the 'hip' adult writers would come up with. Like these are the kids that modeled themselves too much after those TV execs' ideas of what kids should be.

idk, like I felt similarly, in the past, but I never let it take over my social personality. I was an absolute slug, but I knew how it's pretty socially unattractive to signal how helpless that you feel about life. At least if I was lazy, I would 'own it' as a 2kool4scool kinda choice. Yeah?

I'm having trouble fully following the thread of this ask; maybe someone else understands what it's getting at better than I do? Reading the first paragraph, I thought it must be a response to this post from months ago about how younger people use social media versus older people, but instead it's clearly (at least starting with the second paragraph) about this much more recent set of posts.

This response is also, while not malicious I don't think, rather harsh. On the individual level, I don't see the two people I was discussing (both of whom I consider friends) as "slugs" or not really willing to get over their own challenges because "oh it takes woooork" or any of that. I particularly admire the one who posted the T-shirt as in fact having much more grit and succeeding somehow at being more productive and hard-working, on the whole, than I am (despite her references to depression and apparently considering it an achievement to return a package)!

As I said before, I also relate to these memes, although certainly not severely as some of the people in my orbit. The real issue, and the real difference between me and them, as I see it, is this: they, along with much of society (far from all, but a good chunk of the younger generations) have gotten wrapped up in social movement that has over-corrected for how stigmatized mental illness and disorders and neurodivergence have been, to the point that their own individual as well as perceived society-wide inability to manage the basic demands of life is treated with a sort of complacent acceptance. And I feel some of those difficulties both within myself as an individual and on a widespread level but am stubbornly positioning myself in a more profound rebellion against them, against accepting them as a normal way of things on any level, against avoiding the inquiry into why this inability to cope with the basic demands of life now seems to be so widespread, against a failure to outright acknowledge that there's something deeply wrong about all this.

And there has to be some fine line between properly acknowledging the issue for what it is and why we shouldn't be sitting back and accepting it, and stigmatizing mental illness and neurological issues and so on and the people that suffer from them.

[fluideli123]

Would you mind giving me a crash course on writing plurality? It interested me the moment I read your analysis on Raph being plural, even more so when I went after the links in the post.

I'm going to be completely honest and upfront first. Writing Plurality can be hard when you know nothing about the community or only know how the media presents DID. Plurality is a diverse experience, so it's going to challenge your choice of perspective in your story, word choice, and self-awareness when you're falling into demonization about the experience. Especially when characters can be stereotypical and fall into demonization "easily." 

Writing a system is like writing a disabled character, a neurodiverse character, a cluster b character, a POC character, and so on. It takes a lot of understanding and discovering things you will have no idea how to explain because you've never experienced them or just don't know how to comprehend them. But the most important rule to writing any character(s) that go through things you don't is to remember that as long as you try your best, admit your mistakes, fix your errors, and never stop learning. You'll be able to achieve what story you want to tell with these characters. 

Like any community, you have a lot of different opinions, and the views from the community you're trying to write about are something you've got to at least have a basic awareness of. Because understanding what may be seen as problematic or what might cause someone to come bursting into your comment section on a fic or so on will help you decide whether you're going to change what this person takes issue with or keep it despite their beliefs on it. 

That doesn't mean you get to brush actual problematic things off, though. It's just a fine balance, especially if you're singlet. 

But with that out of the way! I will try my best to give a basic crash course on how to write Plurality. Now, I'm a very understanding, patient, detail-orientated person, so if you or anyone else needs to ask questions or need me to "dumb" things down, please don't hesitate to do so! This is a safe space; I enjoy teaching people and bringing more acceptance to issues and experiences many people don't understand, so it's okay to make mistakes here with the intent of fixing them! 

It All Starts With You

The first step to writing Plurality is to start with you. Now you might think, "What do I have to do about writing a system? Why does it matter that I've gotta start with myself first? :/" Well, I'll give a simple answer: 

Everything you write reflects who you are as a person and what work you're willing to do for your writing.

Now, I don't mean reflecting yourself as in, "Oh no! You write about murders, so you must be a murderer!" No, I mean how you perceive yourself, the world, and others affect your writing. 

An example of this is one of my favorite books, Life of Pi by Yann Martel. The author enjoys learning and believes in the ability to participate in multiple religions, so the character Pi in his story holds that characteristic, affecting how the story is written. I suffer from intrusive thoughts, so I write Mikey from ROTTMNT with pure O OCD (someone whose OCD doesn't showcase/have outward compulsions), which affects how I write his interactions with the environment and his internal dialogue. 

Why this is important is because if you believe there is such a thing as an "evil alter," that only disordered systems are true systems, and/or that there's no such thing as Plurality and people are just faking it, it'll show in your work whether you want it to or not. So, it's important to tackle your stance on Plurality. How who you are and what you believe and participate in affect how you write a system. 

I'll use myself as a perfect example! I'm very open-minded, but I'm very afraid of ghosts and demons. So when I learned that Possestive Systems were a thing, it scared me because the idea of being possessed makes me scared. I'm still afraid of demons and ghosts, but it no longer affects my interpretation and understanding of possessive systems. 

I'm not religious, but I love learning about religion and how people interpret it so learning about Spirigenic Systems was super cool! I believe endo systems deserve respect and exist. I also think that persecutors do not deserve to be treated unfairly, negatively, and purposefully hurt by their systems or those outside the system. They also deserve respect and understanding. 

This shows in my writing because I write Raphael as a diversian median system with a mixed origin with truamagenic and endogenic origins. I've made a few posts about Leonardo being a non-truamagenic system with non-religious spiritual connections to his ancestors (here, here, and here). I have even blatantly had Leonardo state in my Figuring It Out series the same perspective I have about Plurality: 

In summary, Leo's brother is a part of a system, and if anyone were to ever make Raph, or Mind and Red for that matter, feel awful about that in any way, he and his brothers and sister would fight them without hesitation. There was nothing wrong with being a part of a system, and anyone who disagreed could eat a dirty, used pizza box for all they cared. Red and mind are a part of their family, and no idiot could ever change that. 

Becoming aware of how Plurality makes you feel, think, and do is important, so while learning about Plurality, it's good to take time to assess why things make you feel this way or that way. Why you don't want to even try and write that experience but feel drawn to write about that one. 

And, by the way, it's okay not to write some experiences! I don't write much about DID systems, but a friend of mine does! A part of writing systems is writing what is most interesting/relatable/understandable to you! There will always be some system that resonates with a characteristic you've written about, and it's okay if you can't write some system experiences perfectly or at all!

This leads to the other half of what I said, that who you are will affect the amount of work you'll put into writing about Plurality, and I shall use myself as another example to help you understand what I mean. 

I am extremely passionate about learning about Plurality, so I am heavily involved in the community. I follow a lot of Plural blogs, have Plural friends, am a part of Plural discord servers, in activism, spend my time teaching others about Plurality, and have spent hours reading through Plural systems experiences over genuine, literal years. Because of this, I am very knowledgeable and deeply understand Plurality that not many singlets and even some systems have an understanding of. (This doesn't mean I am an expert and all-knowing, however. Please remember this. I am not a professional). I am willing to put years of research and interactions with the community into a piece of writing. 

You may be the same way, or you may just want to only know enough to get the basics down to a T, which in my opinion, is valid if done correctly! Understanding how willing you are to dedicate yourself to learning about Plurality to write it is just as crucial as understanding how you feel about it and tackling any Pluralphobia or hatred you have towards the community/experience. 

TL;DR: You have to figure out how you feel about Plurality and make sure you fix any issues you have towards or about Plurality. You have to understand how far you're willing to go to write Plurality, whether it's dedicating years to it or just wanting to know the basics. 

Where to Learn About Plurality 

Since I've spent years dedicating a portion of my life to learning and helping the plural community, I know a couple of ways that you can learn about Plurality for yourself and for your writing (because it is crucial you research before writing something). If you enjoy a laidback way of doing it, I recommend following blogs! If you want to read a lot, I recommend the dictionary! If you talk to the community directly, I recommend certain blogs, discord servers, and spaces where learning is the main idea!

Never just barge into any system/plural safe space with questions and concerns unless you know for certain they want to teach you. It isn't anyone's job to teach you or spend their day explaining what you want to know. They are beings with lives of their own, and they do not owe you anything. Respect is important; if you don't respect a system's time, boundaries, and wishes, you are in the wrong period. It is always important to ensure that you're asking questions and talking to systems that want to answer your questions with respect and patience. 

Here are the blogs and sites I recommend interacting with if you're not sure where to start (I will take any mentions off if those I've mentioned would rather I not @ them): 

@mixed-origin-system-culture-is

@funnier-as-a-system

@positively-plural

@dear-systems

@persecutorlifeandsupport

@endo-memes

@non-traumagenicsupport

Pluralpedia

Power to the Plurals

I am available to ask questions or get to know Plurality better, but as I said before, I am not an expert; I am not all-knowing; I am simply one opinion/experience in a sea of many, many others. Do not take my word as law and an end-all. 

I recommend following and interacting with open communities specifically for the kind(s) of Plurality you want to write. This will help you in writing system experiences/struggles/achievements/interactions relating to those experiences you choose to write about.

TL;DR: To write Plurality correctly and to the best of your abilities, you have to learn about Plurality in the best way that suits your learning needs. Also, systems don't owe you anything. Respect them. 

What to Avoid and How to Avoid it

Now, because there are a lot of stigmas, demonizations, misinformation, and discourse about systems, I am only going to talk about the main things you should always or at least try to avoid.

1) Gatekeeping Plurality 

Whether you're a system or a singlet, this is extremely important to remember. It is not your place to dictate who, when, or what is deemed "Plural enough," especially system experiences you/you& do not experience yourself/yourselves. 

You should avoid gatekeeping since it excludes systems from communities, help, and safe spaces. It's awful, and it hurts systems a fuck-ton. It's something that gets on my nerves because exclusion is literally the absolute worst. Excluding beings/groups/communities/experiences literally does nothing but hurt those just trying to exist. And it's never okay to hurt others on purpose. 

As someone who's super open-minded in the way that I am, it's honestly difficult for me to gatekeep, but here's what I have heard that might help keep you from gatekeeping: 

Not everything is about you. You may not get/need it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist/someone needs it. 

The existence of something/someone doesn't mean less for someone else who isn't a part of that group.

If it isn't hurting anyone, it's not a problem. (There may be struggles or a change that needs to be made, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily hurting someone/a group.)

Everyone is capable of change, and that's okay.

Everyone makes mistakes, and that's okay. 

Everyone is allowed their own opinions, and that's okay.

There are no rules for how being exist. 

2) The So-Called Evil Alter(s) 

We've all seen those characters in media that have that one side/alter who is slapped with the label of being evil. A perfect example is the Goblin from Spider-Man, the Beast from Glass, and literally any media you consume that has DID villainized. When writing Plurality, it is your job to avoid hurtful and harmful stereotypes such as the "Evil Alter." 

The reason it's important to avoid falling into the stereotype is simple: It's overused, demonizes, stigmatizes, villainizes, and continues to push forth the idea that systems are to be feared. Systems are real and valid, and creating fear around their experiences and existence causes real-life problems. If you're choosing to write about marginalized groups (just like drawing, it should be something you practice/incorporate often), you must always keep this in mind. What you write affects real beings. Write responsibly. 

The best way to flick a middle finger to the evil stereotype is by ensuring that a headmate is well-rounded, an actual individual instead of a plot device or just a flat character. It is okay to have characters who may fall into stereotypes, be a persecutor, or do bad things because they're a being; they're capable of such things. But you have to make sure to get across to the audience that they are not evil. You can do this by not having a headmate be the antagonist in the story or filling the common roles a villain does in most stories. 

If you're incapable or aren't sure you can write a character like that, avoid writing headmates who can fall into being a villain in your story. If you're sharing your work publically, it's best not to incorporate it at all, but I highly recommend practicing privately on how to write demonized headmates in a stigma-free light in your own time and pace. You're going to fail at first; what matters is that you're trying. 

3) Writing Only "Evil" or Antagonists as Pural 

Similar to what I said above, even if you don't follow the "Evil Alter" villainization of a headmate, it's important to always pay attention if all or most of your system characters are villains/antagonists in your story. While having a diverse set of characters with various roles in a story is fine, it's important to ensure that you're not accidentally falling into the thin line of villainizing characters. 

The best way to avoid this is to make sure you have an equal balance of plural characters spanning from "good" to "many shades of grey" to "bad." And to not use demonizing characteristics with "bad" characters but instead in good or a certain grey area. This will challenge you to break norms and think outside the box, depending on your character. But in the end, if you don't feel capable, practice! Learn! As long as you're trying, that's what matters!

4) Final Fusion

Many singlets don't know this, so I won't just link what Final Fusion is but define it. In the simplest explanation I can give, Final Fusion is when a system becomes a singlet. 

I would avoid this in writing at all costs. The point of writing Systems isn't to make them singlet, and it's like learning how to write black characters to make them white. You just don't do that. You write systems to write about system experiences/have a genuinely diverse cast of characters, not to make their existence in stories an end goal to become one single being in a body. 

If you're singlet, don't ever write about Final Fusion. In my opinion, it isn't your place to write about that; leave that to systems as it is a touchy subject and not one singlets should handle. 

TL;DR: When writing about Plurality, avoid gatekeeping Plural experiences/groups, falling into evil stereotypes, making all your plural characters antagonists, and writing anything on Final Fusion.

General Writing Rules

How you write systems depends on what system you decide to write about, the headmates within that system, and any other characteristics you choose to add to the body or the headmates themselves will influence how you actually write things out. An example is how I write my Shard System (fic here). 

First, my Shard System has polyconsciousness and can communicate internally, though it changes depending on who's talking and fronting. This leaves me having to find a format for the audience to know what is internal and external and who is specifically talking. I wrote that lil fic I shared while sleep-deprived, so it isn't the prettiest-looking format, but it's a format nonetheless, and that helps readers! I recommend having a key or using consistent formatting so readers understand what is happening. 

Secondly, my Shard System dissociates when switching and co-fronting, so I describe the experience as I would an emotion or when a character is using their powers. When you have systems that have characteristics that affect the body and their perception when fronting or in the inner world, it's good to describe it like you would anything else! And if there's something significant about it or it changes depending on what perspective you're writing from, that's just as important as writing feelings or background characteristics! 

Thirdly, systems have characteristics where they have a quirk where they'll write/type/speak in that quirk. For example, my Shard System has a few quirks where Red types in bold (hence why I wrote his dialogue in bold) and has a Spanish accent and a deep voice when fronting and in the inner world. Savage speaks in broken English, so it'll be very prominent when he communicates. Considering the little details about your headmates when writing them in your stories is never bad! Especially when it's a common quirk in systems to have! 

Finishing Thoughts

There is nothing wrong with wanting to learn how to write Plurality or any other marginalized and demonized experience. You're going to make mistakes, and you're going to be a fool the first time you write Plural characters, and hey, it's all a part of the learning process! What matters is that you try and remember to check in to ensure you're not excluding or creating real-life problems in your writing. 

This long-ass answer to your ask or anyone wanting to write about Plurality isn't meant to scare you off or overwhelm you; it's to simply inform you how you can write Plurality to the best of your ability. And like learning to do anything, it takes time and patience. Not everything will make sense right away, and it's expected that your first emotions learning about something you don't understand are fear, anger, and denial. But to grow as a person and as a writer is to tackle those feelings and remember why you're writing these experiences. 

I write about plural characters and experiences because I love Plurality. I love it so much that I just want to express my love through my favorite characters and spend my time learning and consuming content on it. I write plural characters because I care so deeply for the plural community. I am passionate about giving them media and content they can enjoy, where they feel safe, heard, and understood. I write plural characters to destroy the idea that Plurality is something to fear and hide away when systems should take pride and be able to be wholeheartedly themselves. I write plural characters because I choose to. Because I want to. 

Having a reason, no matter how "dumb" or "profound," for wanting to write Plurality is valid and good as long as it doesn't hurt real-life beings. And I am more than ecstatic to hear that you and others may want to write plural characters, even if you're singlet or not! 

It isn't that hard to write once you get the hang of it and the moment you get the basic understanding of the system experiences you're trying to write. But, I want you to know that no matter how hard it gets, how challenging and maybe even overwhelming it may be, your best is enough, and your trying is enough. That doesn't mean you need to stop learning because you're always going to keep learning things until you die, but just know that your best is enough and will always be enough. 

Thank you so much for reaching out, and I hope this long-ass post helped you or you&! I tried my best to cover everything, but if anyone else has anything more to add, feel free! 

Thank you so much for the ask! <3

[kuekyuuq]

I have to ask...

Where do the anti-supercorp people get the idea from that Lena Luthor is xenophobic?

Are we watching the same show?

I can see how one does not like Lena.

I can see how some of Lena's actions can be considered irredeemable.

I can see that her family was/is xenophobic.

I can agree she made some horrible mistakes in judgement.

Canon told us:

Lena was fired by Lex from LuthorCorp because he thought her naive about her pro-alien stance. The same brother who analysed Lena since she was four. 

Lena was horrified when Lex tied her to a chair and made her watch his attempt to kill Superman by turning the sun red

Lena came to National City in hopes to work with Supergirl (an alien)

Lena actively re-branded LutherCorp to LCorp to get rid of the anti-alien stuff and everything else people connected with the Luthor name

Yes, Lena created an alien-detector, but her intention was one out of ignorance (of the backlash this could cause), not of hate - when Kara much later explains the potential bad the item could cause, Lena is very much listening

Lena helps Kara on several occasions, using her intel and providing it to Kara, so Kara can investigate and write articles to dismantle anti-alien organisations (e.g. Veronica Sinclair's fight club, Cadmus)

Lena helps Supergirl on several occasions, using her intel and providing it to Supergirl, so Supergirl can dismantle anti-alien organisations

Lena actively seeks to dismantle Cadmus - the anti-alien group - even before Lena started suspecting Lillian to be involved

Lena schemes against Lillian to use Medusa to kill all aliens on Earth

Lena testified both against her alien-hating mother and brother

As soon Lillian told Lena about Lex' former facilities, she starts looking into them - they are well hidden, so it does take her a while (and by this date in the show, she may still not have unearthed all of them) - and dismantles many of them / continues to give Kara/Supergirl information about them (e.g. when Kara asks Lena for tech to find missing aliens, Lena offers to look into L-Corp (= former LutherCorp) database to search for anything useful for that particular cause

Lena encourages Kara strongly to find a way to warn all aliens about the alien registration manifest being leaked - she inspired Kara to "blob"

When Lillian finds out Lena is pro-alien and helping find the abducted aliens, she has her goons try to scare her off ("nothing permanent" - the goons accidentally threw Lena off her balcony...) - even her own family sees how non-xenophobic Lena is

Lena sacrifices Jack (her former boyfriend and still potential romantically involved one) to save Supergirl (the alien) - and (rightfully) blames the human woman, who controlled Jack, for it

When Lena suspects and confirms Rhea to be an alien, she cuts ties with her - because Rhea lied to her, not because she's an alien

Lena starts working with Rhea (confirmed alien) again - to help aliens who "weren't as lucky" as Rhea's people and to further and better Earth technologies; reduce environmental damages by infrastructure / good transports / traffic.... only to be betrayed by Rhea.

Lena learns Mon-El, Kara's boyfriend, was Daxamite and has zero issues about it

Lena has no issue with Sam being half-alien, but with the Reign-half being a huge menace to Earth, so tries to stop her and save Sam

The DEO kept Kryptonite in case any of the Supers went rogue - like Batman and Oliver Queen kept theirs - Lena kept and created Kryptonite and Harun-El to ...cure cancer; to fight against sicknesses, to use as a clean energy-source, to... do good things

...yes, she lied about it. But, her not-so-wrong reasoning was "if I tell, they will take it away. If they take it away, I won't be able to do good with it."

Lena rather had Supergirl drop her than chemicals that could have harmed thousands (human and alien)

Lena becomes quick allies and friends with Brainy (admitably, in many ways he's more AI than alien...) and befriends Nia later on, too

What else does Lena do with her stash of Kryptonite and the knowledge she gained from it? When Mercy & Otis Graves irradiate Earth's atmosphere with Kryptonite, Lena already has created an anti-Kryptonite suit for Supergirl and the fact it’s already at hand saves Supergirl’s life!

That's only up to season four... 

Yes, Lena did shitty stuff in season five. Arguably, for the right reasons, but ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’...  But were any of those things xenophobic?

The problem she has with Kara in season five is NOT because she’s an alien - but because she felt betrayed, personally. Rightfully so? Eeeeeeeh.... while it surely must have hurt to learn your best friend lied to you and played two personalities, at times taking advantage of it, too - which, let’s be honest, Kara did - Kara did have her reasons (initially), it IS selfish for Lena to assume the worst and take the fact itself so personally.  But, everybody lives in their own world, I am sure - dear few readers, who took it upon yourselves to read this monster of a post - we can agree, that we all judge the world and others based on our own perceived reality, based on our own experiences, emotions and circumstance, whether we try to be better than that or not...  I’d even make the argument, Lena is more upset with her intimate friend “Kara” (whom she shared her most intimate thoughts and feelings with) having lied to her, than with “Supergirl” taking advantage of her. Being played, Lena can deal with, but trusting and seeing that trust shattered... low blow. Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but to my knowledge, the only time Lena uses Kara being an alien against her, is when she uses and reworks the Fortress of Solitude's already existing settings to trap Kara in there for long enough for herself to get a head-start on getting Myriad to work (how else was she supposed to achieve that?).  Myriad, which she wanted to use to STOP hate, including racism (xeno-cism?). Brainwashing everyone is most certainly a veeeeeeery misguided approach, but the premise of ending all hate and the resulting pain is very much like the notion of "praying for world peace" - just that Lena got sick of praying and decided to actually go ahead and do something about it ((again: notion good; (attempted) execution horrifying)).

Even Lena trapping Malefic was to that very end. She trapped Eve (human) as well on that line of thought. At the least, she offered Malefic a deal to his liking as payment...? Eve on the other hand.... 

If anything, Lena is people-phobic. She has a hard time trusting anyone, remains suspicious to a fault. ...she did effectively kill Eve on Earth-38, though, by over-writing her with Hope.

Kara forgave her aunt, who came just as close, wanting to use Myriad for very similar purposes - and then forgave Lena, eventually, just as much. The difference being, Astra died. We never got to see if Astra would have actually stopped her plan, convinced Non, and/or would have aimed / worked hard to redeem herself...

In the same episode, where Lena's attempts with Myriad failed (and Hope took the fall) Malefic, who had tried to murder multiple people as part of his revenge against his brother (and had targeted Kelly for a while, too) was set free by J'onn and sent to Mars to do good there.

The whole of National City forgave Supergirl (and her potential for going bad and for her causing actual destruction) only a week after the redK incident...

All that said:

1) Lena lied to Kara and played her. Sure, Lena felt betrayed and from her point of view, with her set of experiences and her own preexisting many traumas and (very bad) coping mechanisms, it was... well, understandable... or at least traceable. But, forgivable? That's ultimately up for her victim (Kara) to decide. And, apparently, she does forgive her. Not easily. But she does; understands both sides, evaluates, listens to others, observes the remorse, and makes her own decision / judgement... which is (initially, tentative) forgiveness.

2) The show is REALLY BAD at dealing with characters' actions’ or events' consequences. Period. There is no real consistency, 'cept that things don't have real repercussions. That is how the writers decided to write the show from season one on. If the writers think Kara forgives Lena and show it, then that's that.

3) Every time I read the notion that Lena was/is xenophobic, I can't help but wonder if anyone who claims such even watched the show.

4) Lena is not her brother. She's flawed. She makes mistakes. But for once, Lena and her character are suffering the consequences. That may not enough for the liking of Lena Luthor haters, or anti-Supercorp taggers, but it is what it is - and it is much more than most any actual bad guy had to suffer through. Bad guys with evil intentions, (mass) murderers, people (alien and human) that rationally caused lasting harm and/or trauma to their victims.

5) Lena is not xenophobic.

Kue out.

[delicioussshame]

In the never ending series of “things that aren’t wips because I can’t, I have to finish something before starting something else”, have this thing I posted as a wip before, featuring a version of PIDW where LBH collected his harem... differently, with guest star NYY.

Luo Binghe immediately recognises the man dressed in cultivator garb as Yingying’s shizun.

Beautiful and serene, she said. The perfect image of an untouchable immortal, dressed in white and pale greens. Always holding a fan of exquisite manufacture.

But more than her vivid descriptions of her shizun’s loveliness, he remembers what she said next.

She’d been lying on her side, her long cascading hair not managing to hide her luscious curves.

Luo Binghe had known she wouldn’t be ready for another round just yet, and so had been pleased to listen to her lighthearted pillow talk.

Today’s topic had been her exasperation with her shizun’s lack of sex life.

“Sometimes I can’t believe how obtuse he is. Liu-shishu has been courting him for years, and I don’t think he ever noticed. And don’t get me started on the sect master! All Shizun would have to do is bat his eyelashes and the sect master would drop everything to worship him! But no, he never takes him on it. For a while I thought maybe Shizun just preferred women, but more than one female disciple has tried her hand at him, all to no avail.”

Luo Binghe could imagine the type. Cultivators could be lofty. They think they’re above the needs of the flesh.

He always enjoys teaching them how wrong they are.

If the demonic part of his heritage revels in desecrating those pompous righteous cultivators, no one else could tell. Luo Binghe was too good at his chosen hobby to let his personal feelings interfere.

“I love and respect Shizun more than anyone. Without him, I would never have become the kind of cultivator who can afford A-Luo’s company. So I am motivated by filial piety and nothing else when I say that I have never met anyone who needs to get laid more than Shen Qingqiu.”

Luo Binghe had laughed. “Oh? Is Yingying going to replace me with her old teacher?”

Her scandalised look had sent him into another bout of laughter. “A-Luo! I would never!”

“Then why is she telling me this? Does she want me to take care of him?”

Ning Yingying had stared at him, a glint in her eyes. Luo Binghe could see the plans form in her head as she spoke. “Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad idea. It would do wonders for Shizun, and I know A-Luo loves breaking people like him.”

Luo Binghe had blinked, inwardly caught off-guard. He wasn’t blind. He knew Ning Yingying was a lot more observant than she appeared. It wasn’t the first time she had made that kind of comment. “Yingying knows me so well. Should I be worried?”

She had swapped at him. He could have easily evaded the blow, but he didn’t bother. “A-Luo doesn’t have anything to fear from me. But honestly, if I sent Shizun your way, would you take care of him? I really think he could benefit from it. And Shizun is very beautiful! Many will definitely be jealous if they ever find out.”

Luo Binghe had nothing against the idea of taking a peak lord to bed. He bet Xin Mo would love to feed on such high-quality cultivation. “I would be honored to entertain your teacher.”

He could tell from the way she had brightened he was about to be thoroughly thanked.

She had paid him too, both for herself and for her shizun’s future visit. Generously enough that Luo Binghe had wondered if he should praise her filial piety to her shizun.

She didn’t lie either. Shen Qingqiu really is exquisite.

Not as handsome as Luo Binghe himself, but nobody is. “You must be Shen Qingqiu.”

“Luo Binghe, I presume.” Luo Binghe cannot quite decipher the look he’s being given, which is rare enough to catch his attention. He’s pretty certain there’s some attraction there, but the rest? Trepidation? Outright fear? Disdain? Excitement?

He’s sure he’s going to find out. He gestures for Shen Qingqiu to sit down as he moves to prepare tea. He could have one of his servants handle it, but Luo Binghe has always preferred taking care of things himself. That personal touch has seduced more than one client, if they didn’t visit him only for his food.

Shen Qingqiu drinks the offered tea in silence before he starts talking. “If you would please tell me your fee, I will be refunding Ning Yingying a corresponding amount. I am sorry for wasting your time, but I have no interest in procuring your services.”

Ooh, that’s cute. If Luo Binghe wasn’t an expert at perceiving the signs of physical attraction, he might even believe him. Shen Qingqiu is interested, he’s sure of it. He’s just a prude, like Yingying said. “Yingying won’t accept it. Why refuse her most thoughtful gift?”

“My disciple should put her money to better uses.”

“I assure you, employing me is money well spent. You could find that out yourself.”

Luo Binghe bites back his amusement as the man stumbles, obviously embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t… a credit to your profession. Please don’t take it personally. As I said, I have no interest in finding out myself.”

“But how will it look if you were to leave without finding out? My reputation will be hurt.”

“How could something this insignificant hurt the reputation of such a famous courtesan?”

Luo Binghe grins. “So even renowned cultivators have heard of me? Nothing bad, I hope?” And where did an isolated scholar like him caught wind of such lowbrow rumours, huh?

The sigh he’s answered with does not cloak a hint of amusement. “How many of the sect’s disciples have you seduced? You even managed to steal away Liu-shidi’s little sister, whose beauty and virtu are known across the land. Of course I have heard of you. More than I would have liked, if I am allowed to be honest.”

Ah. He should probably have expected that. Cang Qiong is full of eager young men and women. Apparently, Shen Qingqiu isn’t such a recluse that gossip doesn’t reach him. “I see. Still, you must have heard good things, or you wouldn’t have come into my parlour.”

Red is a good look on the man. Luo Binghe feels the first stirrings of desire rise into him. He just knows Shen Qingqiu would be stunning, lying despoiled on those formerly pristine robes, trying to discover what he’s begging for more of.

Not to mention he can almost hear Xin Mo purr. What a feast Shen Qingqiu will be.

Time to press on.

Luo Binghe reaches for the now empty cup of tea he’s certain Shen Qingqiu drained without tasting, making sure to caress the fingers still holding it with a touch just light enough to possibly be accidental, if one were very dumb or very blind. “Let me serve you again,” he says as he pours more tea with deliberate grace.

Instead, Shen Qingqiu rises from the table. “Don’t bother! I am obviously wasting your valuable time. If you won’t share with me how much Ning Yingying paid you, I will compensate her otherwise.”

Like Luo Binghe is letting him leave like this. “Would you have me waste the tea already prepared?”

“Drink it yourself! Surely it’s nothing compared to your usual breaches of propriety.”

Damn it. Luo Binghe miscalculated. Shen Qingqiu is too spooked to be open to further advances. Really, what a prude, to be so destabilised by a simple brush of hands.

If he can take a step back and defuse the tension enough for him not to leave… “You seem in such a hurry. Do you think I force myself on my visitors? I’m hurt.” As if he ever needed to use force to have someone.

Well, never without their consent, at least.

Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem like he’d be into that, but then again, people can surprise you.

“I’m not scared! I just have no reason to be here any longer. Thank you for your time. I’ll be leaving my student in your care.” For a moment, there’s a glower in his eyes that Luo Binghe wouldn’t mind seeing more of. “Be good to her, or my next visit will be far less pleasant.”

Aww. Shen Qingqiu cares! How cute. “So I have to get a bit rough if I want to see you again?”

His outraged face almost makes him laugh. “Don’t you dare!”

“Or are you looking for an excuse for our paths to cross again? I assure you it’s unnecessary. I’d welcome you anytime.”

“I will keep that in mind,” says Shen Qingqiu absentmindedly, already crossing the door.

Luo Binghe lets him leave. Obviously, this will be going nowhere today.

Really, he’s offended. He cannot remember someone rejecting him so blatantly, ever. Worse, Xin Mo will be cranky. A treat was dangled in its metaphorical face, and then was cruelly taken away before it could have a taste.

He can’t let this humiliation stand.

He won’t have to. The delicate fan Shen Qingqiu came with, red spider lilies on a stark white background, is still on the table, forgotten in his haste to leave.

Luo Binghe’s customer service is impeccable. He’ll be returning the abandoned item himself.

It’s not like finding the peak lord of Qing Jing will be a challenge.

[blushing-titan]

Reasons why I believe the cabin vision was Mikasa’s dream - and not an AU

I briefly touched upon this topic in my previous Mikasa/Anti Eremika-themed interpretation, but in this post I’d like to elaborate further - why do I think that the vision from chapter 138 was Mikasa’s dream, and not an actual AU flashback? As in my previous post, a little warning first: there will be spoilers, as I’ll be using panels from the manga.

1. I want to go back...back to our home

Many fans interpreted this as Mikasa having a flashback to alternate reality, in which she and Eren share a cabin in the mountains - a reality in which they’re both living safely and peacefully. However, it’s important to remember that for Mikasa, the meaning of home is very symbolic - it’s been shown ever since the first chapters of the manga:

After losing her biological parents, she feels like she has nowhere to go - her home was just taken away from her. She’s cold and scared...but then, as dr Jeager invites her to live with his family, Eren wraps his scarf around her and says:

...to which she simply replies: ...okay. Let’s go home. She has just been saved, and despite all the horrible things that happened previously, she has a home again - a home symbolised by the good-hearted boy who wrapped his scarf around her when she was cold. In the following years, this fact becomes a source of her strength and will to fight...

...but, as the time goes by, the boy who saved her changes and seems to be drifting away from her. She feels like she’s losing him, so this time it’s her turn to ask:

My point is that ever since they met, Eren has always symbolised home for Mikasa. He has been her safety, anchor and source of strength - which is why it’s so hard for her to accept that, after all his wrongdoings, he may not be the same person that he was when he wrapped the scarf around her. I believe that’s what she meant by saying: I want to go back to our home - in fact, she even thinks about his old self right before the cabin sequence starts:

Now, onto the second argument...

2. Mikasa idealizes Eren in her mind.

I’ve seen opinions that Mikasa views Eren through rose-colored glasses - and it’s not entirely untrue. When he saved her, she created an idealized image of him in her mind - she perceives him as a good-hearted, caring person who would never willingly go against his friends or hurt any innocent people. No matter what he does, she still tries to see him through this filter. It’s the reason why she often misunderstands him.

(Notice how even Armin is concerned by Mikasa’s answer.)

In another example, Mikasa tries to justify Eren’s actions by saying that he had done it all out of care for his friends.

Knowing all that, it makes perfect sense that the Eren from her dream would be an idealized version, too. He openly acts affectionate with her and is devoid of any fiery or violent character traits of the original Eren. Instead of hurting (or saving) anyone, he runs away with Mikasa to spend his last years peacefully, just with her. 

Many fans caught up that this version of him is quite OOC, as it goes against everything that his character represented up to this point. He has always been a fighter, dedicated to his goal of achieving freedom. Therefore, the decision to run away from problems (...along with his general behaviour in the cabin vision) just seems off to many people...but what about Mikasa’s goals? Quite frankly, they perfectly align with what’s shown in the dream - she just wants to be with Eren and keep him safe from harm...

...and yet, with the way Eren is, it’s simply impossible for her in reality...

...so she creates this scenario in her mind, as a way to comfort herself. In fact, it may have been suggested that she’s been dreaming about living away from danger with Eren ever since her training days - she even proposes that they could go back to the settlement together. Ironically, Eren leaves as she’s speaking, without her even noticing - instead, he wants to get stronger to keep on fighting.

3. Author’s note

A while after ch.138 came out, the information about the particular author’s note appeared on the internet. It said (35) draw Mikasa’s ideal, which (to my understanding) suggested that the vision was based on Mikasa's ideal answer to the question asked by Eren a few chapters earlier.

As we know, her answer was family. Later on, she wonders if she could have changed anything by giving him a different reply. Therefore, I believe the cabin dream was based on what she really wanted to say back then, and how she wanted for the following events to unfold.

I’ve seen many fans theorize that the vision was a flashback of the AU in which she gave him a different answer. I’ve said that in my previous interpretation, but I’ll gladly say it once again - Mikasa’s reply shouldn’t have such a huge impact on the future of the entire world. She should never feel guilty about it, as, at the end of the day, Eren went on with the rumbling and it was his decision. I really dislike how much weight the AU theory puts on Mikasa and her answer, when in fact, if Eren really wanted to give up on his plan, he simply would have done it. He had a lot of occasions to stop, one of which being a collective plea from all of his friends - including Mikasa. 

In fact, if he really wanted to run away with her, he could propose this idea himself - however, the fact that it’s clearly stated that her “correct” answer was required for it to happen makes me strongly believe that the vision was indeed Mikasa’s dream, based on her ideal reply.

4. Plot mechanics

Due to the fact that Mikasa’s See you later, Eren appears in the first manga chapter, many people speculated that it must be because Eren somehow saw a glimpse of an actual AU, dismissing the possibility that he could have seen Mikasa’s mindscape. Personally, I’ve never understood this argument - mostly because we already have a few complicated (...and not fully explored) plot mechanics in SnK that could explain this phenomenon - one of them being paths/founder titan’s power.

Ackermans are supposed to be immune to the founder’s ability to alter memories, however Mikasa is still a subject of Ymir. Therefore, as shown in the manga, she can manifest in the paths, meaning that Eren is able to connect and talk with her telepathically. Thanks to that, I don’t think it’s impossible that he may have seen her dreams/memories through paths, even without altering them - and from there, transfer these memories to his child self. Even more - this could also have been done by the original founder - Ymir Fritz - who’s been observing the entire interaction. At this point, it’s implied that she doesn’t have to be ordered by anyone anymore, so it’s perfectly reasonable to think that she acts out of her own free will.

Taking this into consideration, what’s the point in introducing an entirely new and confusing plot device (ability to experience AUs) when the story is one chapter away from finish? In my opinion, there are enough matters that need proper closure and questions to be answered in these final 45 pages - adding a new plotline only complicates everything more, when it should be the time to close up all the already existing ones.

That’s all from me today! Hope I managed to get my points across - thank you very much for reading! ❤️ All the manga panels used above obviously don’t belong to me - all credits go to the author!

[stellocchia]

Here’s an analysis of the “Tommy’s Plan To Kill Dream” stream (part 1)

I noticed that my “overly long” analysis always tend to be about extremely depressing streams, so here’s me trying to change that and failing miserably because I can find angst literally everywhere!

As usual I’ll be talking about the characters only unless stated otherwise from here on out. 

The whole thing is under the cut because, as the name of this “series” suggest, I’m phisycally incapable of keeping things short

Before we proceed with the analysis we need a quick overview of Tommy’s relationship with the people he interacts with this stream so that we can all start with the same mindset: 

Tommy & Tubbo: They have obviously been very close friends since the beginning but recently Tommy has developed a sort of dependence on Tubbo which really isn’t healthy. This of course is a direct result of his second exile and his mindset moving forward after that. While with Dream and then Techno Tommy was extremely isolated and made to depend entirely on the one person providing for him. He continued this even after Doomsday, this time developing an extreme dependence on Tubbo that culminated with the line “What am I without you?” (basing your entire identity around someone else is not healthy, who’d have thought?). With the developing of the hotel post-finale he expands his system of support to include Sam and Sam Nook, but this is of course ruined with the prison arc. Tommy doesn’t trust Sam any longer and, while he still cares deeply about Sam Nook, he’s not someone that can give him emotional support. So he went back to rely soley on Tubbo (though it’s obvious throughout the stream that he’s tentatively doing so with Ranboo as well)

Tommy & Ranboo: The two of them used to be sort of close before Doomsday, Ranboo still very much admiring Tommy and considering him a friend. Thet said Ranboo is not in the very small circle of people who Tommy trusts and finding him married to his best friend and moving in together with a child didn’t help his perception of him. He feels replaced by Ranboo and sort of feels like he “stole” the only system of support he had that he could count on. Though there is a beginning of change throughout the stream. 

Tommy & Ghostbur: Their relationship is really interesting. Tommy is pretty obviously one of Ghostbur’s unfinished businesses (possibly the only one now that L’Manburg is gone) and most definitely his priority. He was the only one who offered to go with Tommy during exile and he tried to be there for him constantly. Even his return this time was Tommy-motivated as we know from what he said in Ranboo’s stream. Meanwhile Tommy’s feelings on him are very complicated. He swings between recognizing that Alivebur and Ghostbur are different entities to conflating them together any time he has a strong reminder of Alivebur (at the beginning of exile and after spending time with Void!Wilbur for example). He also has only very recently come to the full realisation that Wilbur was awful to him and that their relationship was definitely not healthy (something we can infer from him finally taking a stance on not wanting him back and him admitting that Wilbur is good at manipulating him).

Now that that’s done, let’s get into the analysis!

“Oh I forgot I died, didn’t I?” So, Tommy is in a very peculiar situation where he has to somehow process his own death and, at the moment, he’s still in a state of denial about it. He knows he died but he acts like he didn’t in the sense that he hates how it affects his life. He doesn’t want people to treat him any different (even though he IS different), he doesn’t want to acknowledge the changesto the world nor to his relationships, which is the reason why he dislikes the statues of himself so much (that and the fact that he simply never liked to have statues of him). They act as a constant phisycal reminder of what happened to him and, more importantly, how much things changed in his absence. 

One other reason why change scares him so much it’s because of how often he’s alienated from the world around him. He spent more time in exile/prison then in his own home since L’Manburg got it’s independence. He is constantly forced to live in an isolated bubble while the world around him moves forward and then, when he gets thrown back in he is never really given much time to adapt and catch up before he is thrown once more into the role of the hero/villain that he despises (after the 16th for example he was painted as a liability at his first mistake and put on trial etc despite how much he did for the country. Again after Doomsday he had the Dream fight to think about and, after that, Sam Nook asked him again to be the hero against the Egg and he, once again, was villanized by the Team Rocket. Now again he finds himself in the position where he has to take action against Dream once more).

So the stream really starts with Tommy deciding to contact Tubbo to get some help in his plan to kill Dream. He heads to Snowchester to do so (stopping before that to build Sam Nook a little wooden platform to keep him out of the rain).

On the way to Snowchester he gets trapped in the tunnel and almost drowns, making him break the glass of the tunnel. This is triggering for him for a couple of reasons (aside from drowning generally being not pog): exile reminder of his waking up drowning every day and taking damage in general seems to be a reminder of his death (he also seems to be hypersensitive in general in regard to phisycal sensations) 

The whole mansion scene is a further indicator of this new dynamic between Tubbo, Ranboo and Tommy. Tubbo and Ranboo grew extremely close as we know (got married for tax benefits, adopted a child together and, apparently, canonically fell in love after) and they are planning to move in together with their son in the mansion. This, once again, all happened while Tommy was locked in prison. The feelings of alienation for him in the situation are prevalent together with his jealousy at Ranboo as he perceives him as his replacement. 

“You married someone without me- without my permission?” “Okay, can I have your permission?” “Does he make you happy?” “Yes” “then ye- okay” Just... I’m a softie and I think that it’s very sweet that his only requirement to give his blessing is Ranboo making Tubbo happy. We stan a unconditionally supportive friend! 

“Ranboo listen, let me open up to you pal! I- I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently and- (”Yeah I can tell”) and I know that we were kind of close before I went into prison, but then you ki- Tubbo would you mind looking at that flower a bit more? You kinda stole my best friend, and that’s kinda- you know now I feel kind of very lonely- actually feel very lonely” “I didn’t steal...” “And my other friend who then turned out to be my enemy is actually dead. So I’m kinda feeling a little bit left out here, and considering I was locked in a prison for 4 weeks...” “Yeah, no, I mean... I didn’t- I didn’t steal...” “No no no no, you did, you did, didn’t you? You did!” That was a big piece of dialogue there to transcribe! Regardless Tommy doing my job for me here by literally spelling out for us how he feels about Ranboo. One thing to be noted though is that Ranboo remains calm and keeps an understanding attitude in all his interactions with Tommy. He constantly tries to be reasonable (trying to explain that he didn’t “steal” Tubbo as, you know, he has his own free will and can have more then one friend) and generally just doesn’t get mad. Keeping a non-confrontational attitude is probably the best thing he could have done here.

So after that exchange Tommy opens up to them a bit about Dream, explaining what he’s planning.

“The revive book is too much and he (Dream) is too powerful and he’s only gonna use it for evil now! He is an evil man and he used it- he used ME to prove a point and to experiment on me” “Oh my God, like a lab rat!” “Like a- like a- worse then a lab rat! A lab- a lab sock!” “A lab sock?! No!” “Oh God!” “Oh my God” This is the first time in the conversation where Tommy’s gone more in depth about his traumatic experience (though he did mention before that “Dream asked him about it” in reference to his revival). It’s honestly a really big positive that he’s opening up to someone, even if it is other two teenagers who can’t do much but be sympathetic to him. 

“I think it’s good. You don’t actually know this but I’ve been- I’ve been collecting some data, but, honestly... I’m not sure is a too good of an idea” “You said it was good” “No no  no, I didn’t mean it was good in the sense of we should-” “Ranboo’s changed you, Ranboo’s changed you! He’s manipulating you! He’s manipulative and controlling” So 2 things to unpack here:

1) Tubbo hesitance comes from both him being on his last life and how things went during the season 2 finale. He isn’t too optimistic about their chances of killing Dream (even with Dream being completely unarmed in the prison) and he’s also less passively suicidal then he was during the finale, probably because he managed to build a life for himself now. He has a home, a family and Snowchester, he doesn’t wanna loose those.

2) Because of very obvious reasons (Wilbur being abusive, Dream being abusive, Techno isolating and manipulating him and then siding with his abuser and Sam betraying his trust) Tommy views all relationships aside from his with Tubbo in a negative lense. Basically he has HUGE trust issues and he’s so used to his relationships having usually some degree of manipulation (exept for Sam, who still entirely broke his trust. Also recently found out Jack had been lying and trying to kill him as well, which probably didn’t help the issue) that he just assumes that must be the case for Tubbo and Ranboo as well. Both of them of course are fast to correct him on this as that’s really not the case. 

“So why don’t you want him to bring Wilbur back now? What suddenly changed?” “I spent months in the death... area- let’s call it ‘the death zone’, with Wilbur alright?” “The death zone?” “I spent months there. I spent months and months and months there and I was only there for a few days, Wilbur’s been there for real months. He is so different and he is fucking powerful and you know how he molds me like a piece of clay, Tubbo. (hushed) I don’t want him to come back” So here we have Tommy’s admission to Wilbur’s manipulation and how effective it is on him (most probably because of how close they used to be). We also have another hint about how dangerous Wilbur is now because of the knowledge he acquired. 

“In the mean time we also... unless we don’t kill Dream... we gonna have to stop Technoblade, ‘cause Technoblade owes him a favour” “Stop Technoblade?” “Technoblade owes him a favour and we can’t let him redeem it” When Tommy mention’s Techno, Tubbo immediately becomes even MORE hesitant about this whole thing (probably a mix of his death-related trauma, Techno exploding his nation twice and his most recent inquisition venture in Snowchester). 

“So why don’t we try to block Dream’s communication with Technoblade? ‘Cause then Technoblade would have no idea how to... redeem... the favour” “He can bring back the dead Tubbo, we need him DEAD! He’s too powerful for this server’s good and he’s a bad man and he won’t use his powers for good. And it’s not even-” “Mmmmh” “What do you mean ‘Mmmh’ Man?!” “I don’t know this really- this didn’t go too well for us last time we got all hyped up and tried to do this” Tubbo once again is mostly apprehensive because of how things went last time they were up against Dream. He also tried proposing an alternative solution to fighting that Tommy shoots down because he doesn’t think anyone should have the power that Dream has. Also, may I add that Ranboo is actually on Tommy’s side on this whole thing? Possibly because he knows as well how dangerous Dream still is. 

“Just because he’s locked up doesn’t mean his strenght is, allright?” This basically perfectly sums up the crux of the issue. Of course thanks to Quackity’s lore we know that Dream’s power now is mostly a facade, but they don’t know this. To them Dream is just as powerful now as he was before. To them the image of powerlessness that the prison gives him is the facade.

That said the conversation in the electric chair tower ends here and, as this is already so incredibly long, I’ll also end part one of the analysis here. This was also the most lore-heavy part as the rest is more light-hearted so it’ll probably be faster to cover.

[women-loving]

A post about being a febfem who’s decision to be women exclusive has to do with trauma with men. I share some of my pain here and I appreciate being read with respectful eyes. I share my pain for solidarity with the women like me. It’s for you.

Most of us are going to be familiar that often times trauma is used as a weapon against us. “Oh, you’re that way because of your bad experience.” The idea that a traumatized women is broken. That there was a better version of herself she failed to become. That her choices are in some way less “real” because they are not a result of an innate experience. We were tainted by men and therefore are lesser. Our trauma can be weaponized against our beloved febfem sisters as well. “Oh, look at her, she is only the way she is because men hurt her. She is damaged, and you must be damaged too.”

What a silly idea that is to me. This is a sexist and homophobic culture we live in. Women’s sexuality for male consumption. Women’s sexuality constantly put on public debate. Disgusting and damaging porn culture grows only more influential. What women carries no scars from these negative influences? Even if her are scars different then mine. The idea of a woman with a completely healthy sexuality from birth to death.... She may exist, but I am doubtful that she is common.

Of course there is this dangerous idea that a woman’s sexuality may be altered as a result of trauma. But I make no claims that my innate inborn sexuality has changed. I am bisexual. I have always been. It is simply my decisions that are altered by my life experience. I choose women. For many reasons I choose women, not trauma alone. But those eager to lessen a women’s worth because of perceived damage to her don’t care for my other reasons. All they care about is the ability to call me damaged and use me against other women.

There are people who will use me as “proof” sexuality can be changed. I have spoken to such a person who insists I was once bisexual but have become a lesbian. A harrowing and distressing conversation. A weaponization my life. Eager to use me, happy to ignore my words and a refusal to understand me and my truth. I am not proof of these ideas I do not stand by. From my own heart I am bi until I die and proud to be. People dedicated to use me and misunderstand me are not worth my time. I hate to know there are people who want to use me to hurt other women, but I hope these other women hear me shouting that is not what I stand for.

But still, people wonder. Is there another me in a hypothetical reality where men do not behave as monsters, a me who chooses not to be a febfem? An “undamaged” self, pristine and without flaw? Should I be trying to heal myself to become that lovely women without scars?

A pointless question to me. I am not an object with lessened value because scars crawl across my surface. Not a broken object who was meant for male use but now too damaged for my intended purpose. I am a woman, living, breathing, alive. From my pain I learn, I grow. I can be a traumatized woman and a happy woman both at once. It’s not one or the other. I can be scared of romantic or sexual interactions with men and be happy. My bisexuality is a gift and I love my gift. I love to choose women only.

Why chase dreams of this “undamaged” self who is more valuable to this homophobic patriarchal world when I can smile as I gaze into the face of my wife? Why does this imaginary self matter more then the real me?

I don’t live in this fake reality of the “other me”. I live in the reality where men have been abusive. And in this reality, I feel I am perfect the way I am. I can avoid more negative experiences. I can keep myself safe.

The only people who will see you as less valuable because you are traumatized are people who’s opinions you ought not to care for. What cruel people they are. They do not have your best interests at heart.

Are you traumatized like me? Making this decision to love women only knowing trauma is one such reason? If you are, you have no reason to feel bad for it. We are fine the way we are. We have made the best choice for ourselves. We can choose it again and again for our entire lives. It’s not our fault other people may try to weaponize our trauma against us, against other women.

I’m happy to be just the way I am. I hope you’re happy too. If not yet, I hope you will be happy day. Remember I am cheering for you and your happiness. Always, always, I’m cheering for you.

[karanoid]

about top joe discord

LET ME ADDRESS A FEW POINTS:

There has been many fear and anxiety regardless the top!joe discord I made. I understand how it gives my discord a bad reputation. Somebody has kindly reached out to me to ask me addressing several points, which I’m now gonna clarify:

1. I am racist, I asked why, and they said mostly because of my dismissive behavior to people who called me out for drawing yusuf adorned in gold jewelry which made their friends feel unsafe. So, I am a muslim and was raised in a muslim household and community. I am fucking brown.

I didn’t say it because you don’t need to know that about me. What bothers me is how some people feel the need to come to my inbox informing me “maam yusuf is a religious muslim who prays 5 times a day and do all the supplementary prayers all while he drinks alcohol and fuck nicky in the dailies, he wouldnt be wearing gold maam no maam.” as if I didn’t know any better. so please, now don’t do that. If you care so much about the littlest details like wearing gold then you’ll also call out yusuf because he draws living beings and drinks champagne. yes it’s true muslim men are forbidden from wearing gold AND silk but let’s not forget, nothing in the comic and movies imply yusuf has ever been religious. It’s easier to see nicolo as religious because he was a fucking priest. Yusuf was a fucking merchant, it’s easy to see that he’d be less faithful because he would have been travelling and seen many kind of people to broaden his horizons and not contained to a little bubble of hyper religious community. However, let me remind you: whether yusuf AND nicolo are religious or not is entirely UP TO THE AUTHOR/ARTIST. It’s totally fine to make him religious and if you can respect it THATS GREAT, I ALSO LIKE HIM THAT WAY, but please remember it’s not even canon and hey sometimes I just draw things because I like the aesthetics. Also please, do not harass writers for getting a thing or two incorrect, even white people cannot get christianity correct, even between two muslims could be a disagreement whether this fic’s yusuf is problematic or not. I wouldn’t even expect anything more and THAT’S OKAY. Just don’t be an ass to muslims of color in real life and don’t fall into the believe that it’s a religion of violence. you can say that greg made him that way bc he knew nothing better but hey, I have no problem with that. again, it’s fine to make him religious, I’d be delighted but it’s ALSO fine to make him not religious.

2. I think that people only write Top!Nicky out of political correctness. OKAY. I apologize for this. I thought like this because I have accounts telling me that they were pressured into writing top!nicky or they wanted more readerships so I make a BIG assumption. I realized this is only a small part of switch and top!nicky fics and the big bulk of this must be out of genuine care. So yeah, I apologize for thinking that people only write top!nicky out of political correctness. I think writers should be allowed to write whatever they want. Yes this includes top!Nicky. And in whatever kinks they want it. However, this still doesn’t change that the discourses do scare people away from writing top!joe. Write top!nicky however you want, but stop vague-blogging about top!joe. racism isn’t inherent to top!joe and you can always remind people to be mindful with their writings but discouraging people from writing top!joe is not the solution. 

3. Top!joe is racist and people in the discord are racist. Okay, I am gonna touch several aspects why top!joe discord is considered racist: (1) because I don’t like to switch them, therefore I am racist. Sorry that’s not how it works. I have a clear preference and that’s just how I roll. Besides, a lot of people in the discord (including me) think either they switch (because they are 900 yo) or joe just doesn’t like bottoming. I’m not the kind of people who refers to reality for fiction I consume but people who prefer to top or to bottom exist (2) i want to be away from accountability and responsibility. Nope. The reason I made it is because I wanted to gather people with same interest as mine. 

4. I paint Yusuf as aggressive and the whole discord like him being an aggressive top. I think this is the only reason why the discord is seen in a negative light. Because wow what a coincidence that someone vagueblogged my discord at the day I celebrated about Nicky suggesting 20 years and wrote a post about how Joe is allowed to be angry. And beside someone made the WRONG assumption that we are focusing on Joe’s anger and violence (what). Okay, I don’t know how to break this down. But I will try. First, yes I was overjoyed at the news. Because I’m one of the people that do not like feral!nicky headcanon. I liked it at first bc it was funny but then it was twisted into Nicky being cold. So I don’t like it (lol), I still like it though but like I don’t seriously think that way. However, I never liked the idea that Nicky suggested higher than Joe. Because then his character just doesn’t click with me, there was a cognitive dissonance for me because joe clearly says nicky’s heart overflows kindness, you can see nicky as a medic in the credit montage. Also, from their body language and from the way the movie set em up, I think Joe is the one who suggested higher and I am glad to be proven right. Second, I did write a post about how Joe is allowed to be angry at Booker. People agreed with me, so I was not alone. But the reason I wrote that post is not because I wanted to paint yusuf as aggressive, but because I’m tired at people who think Joe shouldn’t display any negative emotions. I think it’s out of character. I do NOT think Joe is aggressive. That is NOT his wholeass personality. If you looked at my tog art tag, never once I portrayed Joe as anything aggressive. If I do, please show me. Third, people are conflating this with my post where I reblogged with a comment that implies aggressive Joe isn’t racism. Okay in this, the context is IN BED. It’s Joe being aggressive in BED. It’s literally BED ROLES AND FANTASY. I don’t even have a particular scenario in my head when I reblogged that, the original post clearly refers to bed roles with manhandling and kinks etc. like, why would you spank someone in public? Lastly, about the discord, NOPE, most people in the discord agree that Joe is either a GENTLE DOM or SERVICE TOP. But in my opinion, if someone likes Joe as an aggressive top (again, bed roles baby) I really don’t think it’s racism. It’s just... projection? 

anyway, back to joe’s emotions, these are posts from a moroccan man (paragraph #7) and a brown woman whose posts I agree with. Let’s be real, people of color are expected to shut up in favor of white people’s fragile feelings.

Now, about racism in fandom. I understand the concern because muslim men are painted as violent and aggressive. You know what I will never forgive those radicals for taking away innocents lives and to leave a lasting damage in how muslims are perceived in the west. However, you have to keep in mind, Joe in the movie is far from being stereotyped. I mean, Gina and Marwan practically greenlit him? Now, you might have concerns that writers are gonna turn him into a walking stereotype which is... okay, I understand that concern. But the solution is to communicate this ‘hey I think you make him too stereotypical in this etc etc’ not “write more top!nicky AND shame top!joe” because again, top!joe is not inherently racist.

also some people mentioned that they hope I recognize racial bias in the ship. dude, that goes without saying, all aspects of your life will be influenced by racial biases. however, this kind of thing is not specific to fandom/shipping. Like I said I’m fucking brown, friends and families with facial features that cater to white expectation are treated better. I did say at the bottom of this post, yeah I did notice why it’s always a brown character who’s always openly mad. And that’s in itself a form of racial bias. Racial biases affect everyone, white or POC, it doesn’t matter. But I got an issue with how people think this is racism. like how convenient, if by falling to racial biases mean you are a racist then what about those white people who created this racial biases in the first place? and I noticed the persons who got the audacity to cry about everything in this fandom is white?? I mean okay, they don’t know what I am, but not everyone is comfortable with sharing their private information like ethnic group, faith, etc. what if they really don’t want to share it? Because like you said, racial bias, whether good or bad will affect me. Now, I don’t know what white people are feeling, I’m not white. However, based on my interactions with them. We’re all just people sharing same interest, it could be they fall into racial biases, but all we shared about are just regular HCs. Even people making a conscious effort to combat racial bias still in essence fall for racial bias. You just cannot escape it.

According to this post, fandom assumes that the bottom is the proxy of writers, I don’t think this is applicable to everyone but let’s just say it’s true and people tend to write about their projection better so I’m gonna assume the racism part comes from the fact that..yeah I do think the bottom usually gets more fleshed out as a result of them being the writers proxy, so somebody posted this in the discord which I agree because yes I do think there’s a lack about yusuf’s background especially when it comes to crusade era:

but since I know most writers aren’t muslims, to me it’s not so much about racism but they simply know nothing about it, and not always out of ignorance either but in this climate, if you get a thing or two wrong you’d get harassed. so *shrugs* I understand the reluctancy. But here’s the thing, this is not about top/bottom issue but because most of the fandom are white so they have more freedom in writing the white character. Anyway, plenty of people have projected themselves into yusuf already, the whole “top/bottom” thing in this fandom is not even a thing. Yes, some writers project on the bottom so if you prefer bottom!joe that’s fine, somebody in the discord is doing a research and it turned out top!joe wasn’t even a CLEAR majority in JULY. So clearly they got their share already?

so please, let’s stop with the vitriol. if people are preferring top!joe it’s clearly because of different preferences. it’s not that deep. it’s the same way with how some people are preferring top!nicky. But we’re being driven out based on a hypothetical scenarios? like what do you want? for us to cease existing??? don’t be ridiculous.

I know people won’t listen to me. So this is my suggestion: LETS JUST IGNORE THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE. LET’S ALL JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE. 

[marshmallowprotection]

[Previous Post]

By his calculation, it was no real surprise that she couldn't remember anything that she'd said to him. 

She had been floating on the edge of elixir and the aftershocks it left in her system, most of what left her lips was nonsensical, at worst. She had far more clarity with her ability to speak but she had been easily distracted and confused if he let her talk without some kind of motivation. 

Ray hadn't even had to pry. It was as if she were a Goddess who truly knew everything. She knew things that Ray had to double check for their authenticity but found she was right every step of the way there. There were things that he would have otherwise had no way to know, but she was right enough for him to put every word to thought. 

She had firm thoughts and opinions, and it was precious to see her get upset over nothing. She would get so inflamed over this or that, but she spoke of the stories of himself and those around him like it was her livelihood. As if the world around them was her everything. 

However, some of her tone needed to be corrected. She spoke highly of much of the RFA, even if she was able to easily proclaim what she saw as a perceived fear or hesitance. He didn't care if she pitied the most of them… he just didn't want her to feel anything for the liar and the traitor. It's why he didn't ask about them. 

But, the rest of the members? 

He had enough information to draw out anything he wanted from them. She even had her own suggestions for what could work on them. He noted it in her phone, where she had been trying to figure out what may bring the RFA to Mint Eye. It was amusing to think she had considered it before meeting him. It was just another reminder that she was meant to be a saint to Mint Eye. 

Setting aside his feelings in knowing that her information had been given to her because of a game, he knew it didn’t matter how she got it. She wielded it with grace and luxury in her hands. She built upon the backs of what she had been handed and made it stronger... she found holes in stories and mended them by her hands. 

"Princess, relax for me," he was as gentle as he could be but she simply hadn't had the time to learn how to sit still. She was coming more and more out of her gaze so she was having such a hard time with her tremors. "I know it's hard. But I need you to look your best today." 

Either way, Ray had what he needed and plans could begin. But, right now, he had something even more important to think of. His Savior wanted to meet the person who would save Paradise with ease, his precious one. He tutted when he felt her squirm underneath his hand, smoothing out the brush against her messy curls as he did. 

Kaitlyn blinked a few times and then looked at the reflection in the mirror. She would see Ray fretting over little things as he did but she hadn’t quite realized how much work he was doing. He had taken great care to make her look exactly as radiant as she was. If they didn't see it before, they would see it in front of the Savior.

He caught her hand before it could touch her hand, and he lowered it back down onto her lap with a tight smile. He spent an awfully long time making her messy curls tighter and consistent. He didn’t want her to mess any of it up because she wasn’t in the state of mind to look at herself just yet. 

She was easily placated, though.

All it’d taken to make her listen to him in the first place was to wrap his coat around her shoulders. She stopped shivering and shaking when he did. It was almost adorable. Compared to the acidic mint and undertones of alcohol within the potion, he imagined the floral scent calmed her down. Aromatherapy was a good idea! If he could’ve taken her back to the garden... 

As the clarity was slowly returning, she seemed like in a daze and more of a frenzy. Her eyes darted all over the place as she strained to figure out where she was and why she was there. He knew that feeling, it happened often as he came out of the buzz that elixir warranted to those that survived the first trial. 

"Why…?" 

"You're meeting with my Savior, remember?" 

He frowned. What did she have to be afraid of? Did she misunderstand how lucky she was? Or, was the elixir still making her fearful to be alone with other people except for him? She would cry out with names that he couldn’t recall or know, after all. She might’ve been scared to make a fool of herself in front of his Savior. 

Something akin to fear flashed in her eyes, “I thought... I thought you said she was okay with us being together, Ray.” 

“Of course! My Savior promised that we’ll be together, but she wants to meet you so our mission can begin. After all, she wants to formally greet you as a true member of paradise! You took the elixir so well, too. It’s amazing. So, she wants you to see our paradise now that you’re able to function properly.” 

She’d seen worse. 

—

“I’m...” 

“A member of paradise,” Rika spoke with resolution. Her emerald eyes flickered over the newcomer, as if sizing her up and trying to figure out the best way to be able to pick her mind apart. “It’s a pleasure to welcome you to Magenta, for the first time, officially. While you must be surprised to be here with you, I must thank you for offering your wisdom and insight to ensure our success.” 

To put it plainly, Rika was searching for something in between the lines. Ray had said over and over that her information knew no bounds but there were parts of it that he couldn’t gain access to quite yet. She knew everything about them and yet, she was devoted to the cause. She had no doubt in her mind after what he’d shown her on that phone. 

She always imagined that she would have to tether Ray with a string to keep him to obey but now she had two tools to use at her disposal. She not only had Ray who worked himself like a dog for the smallest grain of affection, and now, this girl who would do anything for Ray and the paradise that he wanted to hold so badly. 

Photos that couldn’t exist in this world as they existed in quality unlike their own. Information about everything and everyone that nobody was ever meant to get into their hands. Reports and essays that could rival anyone in their terms of control and clarity. Her devotion to Ray was something else, and it could readily be used and manipulated. 

An idealistic young woman who believed in empathy and shining love. She was a realist but her romantic heart could sway her to be bent easily. It reminded her much of herself before she realized her true potential. A shining light was easy to capture as long as you had the right tools. 

Then, she would finally feel the light of salvation. 

This could be a useful love. 

Love built upon obsession that came from sincere bonds. Unlike the way that her former flame had done. His love had burned and devoured every part of her heart and now... she could take back her precious family from his clutches and wave this love in his face. She could use it, she could use them, and she was going to do so.

Though, Ray seemed to have dosed her with more than she expected. Her eyes still looked glossy even though she had enough clarity to realize the situation at hand. Her hand nervously fiddled with the fabric of the borrowed coat she wore, as her eyes darted left to right, not wanting to meet Rika’s gaze. 

No matter, it was a delight either way to see things working. 

Though this girl was taller than she was, she paid no mind, resting her hand against her shoulder to catch her attention. “You don’t need to worry about a thing. You’ve proven your capability already with your charming perspective, I must say, you’re a delightful read when you tear people down. You’ve seen the things I’ve always overlooked.” 

“Ah, I...” Kaitlyn murmured. It was a small nod to indicate that she’d heard what Rika said. “I... I like to study people, it’s a hobby... I’m not that great for what it's worth.” 

Oh. 

An insecurity. 

“Ray has shown me otherwise. Your words will be the very thing that save my precious mistreated family. I’m interested to hear more about what you think we should do. After all, someone as devoted as you can only know talent. Trust me, I know skill when I see it. I welcome it to our paradise because we need people like you.”

“...Thank you, Savior,” the words seemed foreign against her lips but she had managed to catch herself in time. She seemed to be good in print but in need with her actual words. “I... I’m thankful you see it that way. I’m...  I’m happy you have welcomed me.”

Rika’s attention shifted back to Ray. He seemed to be eyeing his plaything with a serious fever in his eyes. It could’ve been a problem, but... as long as she knew that this infatuation was going to secure paradise, she would allow it. It wasn’t as if they would be able to turn away from their promised future. It was a given, and Ray would never let go of it, now. 

She smiled. 

What a frightened little rabbit. 

“Ray, be a dear and see to it that she’s comfortable. We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us if we want to achieve our goals within the next few months... aren’t you pleased it won’t take years to succeed now? All you’ve ever wanted, you’ve got it in your grasps. Don’t lose sight of that,” her voice was clear. “To get what you want, you must never look away from what’s ahead. No matter how ugly it seems. After all, I have a strong feeling that our dear Kaitlyn will have them on their knees soon enough.” 

His expression changed with that. His lips curled upward and he nodded, his way of saying he understood. The bloodlust in his eyes... now, that was what she wanted to hold onto. As long as he behaved, as long as he kept his dream ahead, paradise would thrive, and she would have what she wanted. Jihyun on his hands and knees, begging for mercy. 

And she’d snap him like a twig for thinking she’d given him a chance after what he did. 

Rika stepped back and Ray stepped forward. He took her by the hand and let her gaze into his eyes, that cloudy look leaving him as he played the role that he wanted. Pity, he wanted to be a prince when he was better suited for something else. Well, in due time, she thought. 

“I’ll begin preparations, my Savior. For eternal paradise.” 

“For eternal paradise, my children.”

[non-binharry]

hi asia hope you're doing well <33

so, um, this may sound confusing or weird idk butI apologizein advance x

It's been a couple months since I've started doubting my gender, before that I never gave it much thought but being here on tumblr and watching people talk about and interact about topics related to their gender and how they feel about it and all sorts of stuff, I've just started to wonder that what if I'm not a girl? yk? like Idk I just. its hard to describe i mean. I like growing my hair out, I like painting my nails, I like wearing make up and dresses and skirts and stuff and all that but I also like wearing men's clothes? like literally men's clothes I wear my dad's shirts and pants (the one's he accidently bought the wrong sizes of) and I also wear my older cousin brother's clothes idk what you can make of that and idk if it sounds strange or whatever but like in my family, I'm not allowed to wear anything too revealing, like skirts, tight tops or pants, crop tops and all that stuff so my father kinda likes it when i go for more masculine clothing (im so sorry if I sound stereotypical here I honestly have no other way to express it) and well the point I'm trying (and possibly failing) to make here is that, I don't know how to feel like a girl or a boy. If girly behaviour is the kind they show in movies and stuff like all the shy and giggly and the way of walkng and talking and all that stuff, none of the apparent females I've known in my life ever behaved like that (some have in a way but not as much) so it's just confusing to me. Like what does being a girl mean? and what does being a boy mean? and what does being both and being nothing mean? like. how do you realize what you are? I've always had trouble to describe myself, it feels a lot like I have zero clue who I am, what I am and it feels so shitty, being lost and just not knowing what you are. I know what I'm supposed to be. but I don't know if I wanna be that. I don't know what I wanna be.

I just made no sense at all did I? God, so sorry for wasting your time, I must have sounded so nonsensical. Just ignore this if you want to I won't mind at all.

But , if you can, if it is possible for you and you won't mind, can you just maybe tell me what it feels like for you? like can you maybe express yourself, your gender to me? I think that can help? but only if you're comfortable and it's totally fine if you aren't. once again sorry I wrote a whole ass essay up here i'll shut up now

hope you have a good day <3

hi love!! i want to first apologize for sitting on this message for so long!

i didn't want to respond until i knew exactly what i wanted to say and if i'm being honest, i still don't know what to say.

i can direct you to this tag, where i've given advice on this sort of thing before including this post where i give tips on how to explore your identity and discover who you are. i can direct you to my own post i made recently where i show the first time i really verbalized how i was feeling when i came to realize i wasn't your average cis girlie.

i've never felt comfortable or right identifying as a girl/woman. the idea of being perceived as a woman scared me, despite the way that i presented externally. i've posted about this moment before, about when i was like 19/20... and my mom and sister had taken my grandma to the mall, so i was left home with my dad and nephews. and my dad said "all the ladies are gone. it's just the fellas, and asia — no offense." that was one of the best moments of euphoria for me, which i didn't even realize at the time, because i liked being seen as neither, or both, or everything in between. i don't have any concrete relationship with binary gender, and i'm happy existing and identifying this way because it's what feels right to me.

you seem on the fence about your own identity, and your self doubt makes it difficult for me to gauge you. but even just having the kind of curiosity about yourself shows that you have a relationship with gender that most people would not even consider, whether that means cis gender non-conformity, non-binary, genderqueer, whatever.

gender is not a one size fits all, so there's no way to describe what it means to be a girl that can't also fit someone else's personal idea of what it means to be a boy or what it means to be non-binary. it's all entirely at your hands, and you'll know what feels right for you one day, and i hope you get to a place where you've discovered exactly who you are. 🤍

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" from The Owl House

Salutations, random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons!

When Dana Terrace did her AMA on Reddit, a fan asked what we could expect for the new season. To which she replied by listing five things:

Parental conflict

A lot of emotions

Island exploration

New characters

...There's a fifth thing in there. You just got to look closely.

Now, when Dana mentioned parental conflict, dozens of fans assumed she was talking about Alador and Odalia, which, I mean...valid. They were the only two parental figures who presented any real conflict, and the idea of Camila being involved seemed implausible due to Luz being cut off from the human world. But no matter how you perceived that line, one thing’s for sure: No one expected Eda and Lilith's mother to be a source of conflict!

Yup. Today we met the woman who created two of the (former) greatest witches in all of the Isles. Was her introduction welcomed? Or did she give the Blights a run for their money for the "Worst Parent(s) of the Year" award? Only spoilers can answer those questions, so keep that in mind as we go in-depth with "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances."

Let's review, shall we!

WHAT I LIKED

The Flashback: Already, this episode comes out swinging by giving us so much information! We get an explanation of what Eda goes through when cursed (which is horrifying), the reasoning behind her gem, the revelation that Eda ran away from home, and the reveal of how she got the portal door. The best part is, none of it feels rushed or forced. Eda's curse and the portal are integral threads to this story, both in this episode and in future ones. Tying them together sets up Gwendolyn's determination to cure her daughter while showing Eda's determination to escape her mother by skipping town into another dimension. There's also a sense of mystery in how and why the portal was in their backyard. And judging by how we got all of this incredible information in episode FOUR of the new season, something tells me we'll get answers to those questions sooner than we might think. This was such a strong opening to the episode. Despite giving so much information, it makes fans like me want even more. Which is an A+ in my book.

Gwendolyn: Yeah, might as well step out the gate in saying that I like Gwen...but I can already see how others won't. Immediately, she sets herself up as a mother who would do anything and everything to cure her daughter. That aspect of her character is perfect, and it quickly won points from me in terms of liking her. It's just that Gwendolyn's disregard of what Eda wants and the complete dismissal of Lilith are aspects of Gwen that are certainly going to rub some people the wrong way. Especially if those kids come from households where their parents are a lot like Gwendolyn. I was in the same boat of hating her too for a while, but thankfully, the last act saved her.

First, there's that scene where Gwendolyn threatened the lives of the demons for not only screwing her over but making things worse for Eda. It's one of those "Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned" moments that I always love to see.

Then there's the fact that Gwendolyn learns her lesson and, more importantly, apologizes. Not many actual abusive mothers would do that (Looking at you, Odalia), so it's nice to see that she makes an effort to make amends. Oh, and by the way, since I mentioned it, don't go around calling Gwendolyn abusive. She isn't. Or, at least, not to my eyes. If anything, she's a lot like Sara Fitzgerald from My Sister's Keeper (The book. Not the movie. The movie sucked).

In that story, Sara makes controversial choices that result in her youngest daughter Anna getting the short end of the stick due to putting all attention towards her eldest Kate. But here's the thing: KATE HAS CANCER! So while Sara's choices are beyond questionable, you can understand her point. And if you don't, well, I'd see how you would react when in her shoes. Trust me when I say that situations like this aren't always cut and dry. It's the same with Gwendolyn. She's far from "Mom of the year," but you understand where she's coming from. She wants to do what she can to help Eda, even if her methods could have been better. But that's just how I feel, and I can't speak for everyone who dealt with mothers far worse than her. If you refuse to forgive her, I'll understand. But to me, I consider Gwendolyn a worthy addition to the series.

(Plus, she just radiates Grandma energy when interacting with Luz. It's cute, and therefore I must love it!)

Luz: This season is on FIRE when presenting Luz!

I adore that the first thing we see her doing in this episode is sleeping after, most likely, another all-nighter to find a new portal. It proves that she has a determination made of iron and an intense dedication to getting back to Camila. In fact, it's that dedication that works as a perfect way to build a connection between Luz and Gwendolyn. They both want to reconnect with their families and are willing to do whatever it takes to do so.

Regardless, despite so desperately wanting to see Camila again, I'm glad that Luz still has common sense when it comes to helping Eda. She quickly sees that Gwen's cures are doing more harm than good, and it's great that Luz is the one to call malarky on the whole thing. No one had to spell things out for her because she's smart enough to notice that everything Professor Warlop is marketing feels a lot more like the fake medicine real people sell in the human world. It's a testament that despite having a big heart and the best intentions, Luz still has the intelligence to know when something is up and put a stop to it. And, again, let's hope that more people pick up on that.

Lilith: ...who would have expected Lilith of all characters to have most of the emotional moments in this episode?! I sure didn't!

But...Yeah. Lilith is the best thing in "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances." On top of her seeking Gwendolyn's approval being relatable for some viewers, it's also really heartbreaking. I mean, listen to the shocked and hurt tone in her voice after finding out Gwen visited Eda regularly. That alone should give away how much Gwendolyn is important to Lilith and says so much about how strained their relationship became after the curse. Then there's that scene where she just breaks down, feeling both scared and torn apart by the fact that she experienced the curse in its full form and could do nothing to stop herself. It...stung. That's the best way to describe it. It stung seeing a character who is (mostly) cool and collective to become so vulnerable and broken. And, you know what? It's because of this that Lilith has won me over. I still don't think she should have been as forgiven as quickly as she was, but after learning what Lilith went through and what she's currently going through, I'm more than willing to be ok with her. And--I can't believe I'm saying this--I'm going to miss her being a part of the Owl House. She earned her place, in my opinion, creating entertaining dynamics with everyone. Sure, she'll make appearances every now and again, but I wouldn't mind a few more episodes with her being with the main group. But I'm positive the writers will have plans for her in the future and seeing how well she was written in this, I can't wait to see what they do next.

King Hoping to see his Dad Again: This was just a cute tidbit that ties nicely into last week's episode. Bonus points for that scene where King and Lilith get drunk off of Night Market ice cream. It got a good chuckle out of me, especially when Hooty was the one who ended up being the voice of reason.

Cursed Lilith: ...How does she look worse and more terrifying than Eda?

How Beast Keeping Magic Works: Not much I can say about this. It's neat to be given a visual explanation of how Beast Keeping magic works and how it's more than just controlling animals. Judging by the roof shingles, it can also be making objects more animal-like. It's pretty cool, and I hope to see more of how the rest of the magic from the prominent covens work.

Luz wasn’t the only human: To tell you the truth, this doesn't surprise me. Eda did say that every myth humans have is a bit of the Boiling Isles leaking into the human world, so why can't the opposite be true? However, the reveal of there being a famous human around many years ago presents many more questions, and possible theories, that deserve to be discussed in a future post. For now, I'll just say that it's awesome how this reveal perfectly transitions us to next week's episode, "Through the Looking Glass Ruins." We already know Luz is going to the library. But, seeing how Gus is going to be a prominent character in that episode as well, he probably wanted to tag along with Luz to study about the first human in the Boiling Isles. Only to then get sidetracked by some cool kids from Glandis. It's in the realm of possibility, thus proving how more serialized this season compared to Season One while still being somewhat episodic. Because even if "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" presents a lot for the overall story, it's still its own tale about family relationships and knowing how to truly be there for the people you love. Resulting in a necessary and cute episode that ends on a wholesome note without any major surprises like--

Creepy Clone Luz: ...

...Dana Terrace, you lying--YOU SAID CREEPY LUZ WAS A FARCE! IN THE SAME AMA, TOO! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU AND YOUR SNAKE TONGUE, GOSH DANGIT!

...Alright, now that I got my overreaction out of the way, this was an amazingly well-written surprise!

Tricking fans into thinking that Camila is crying over the realization that Luz is gone, only to then reveal this...thing, is the best shock to the system that this series has done so far. Even better, it results in all the right questions:

Who is it?

What is it?

Where did it come from?

When did it get there?

How did it get there?

How does it know about Camila?

And why? Just, why?

To me, a series that presents all of these questions, and makes me excited for whatever answers are given, is a series that's doing something right. Because if I'm still reeling over something that lasts for a second, despite seeing the episode hours ago, that is a testament to how good a surprise really is.

WHAT I DISLIKED

Trust me, I want to give this episode the A+ just for that ending alone. But, there are some issues I have that are worth discussing.

Eda’s Outfit Change: I know. It's the nitpickiest of all nitpicks I could present. Particularly because Eda doesn't even look bad (although that's no surprise). The issue is that it feels weird that Eda's having this permanent outfit change in the fourth episode of Season Two. Or, to me it is, at least. Because I think that if you're going to give a small yet constant change to the look of a character, it should be done right away. Like, in the first episode of a new season. I highly doubt fans would question why Eda is wearing different clothes by then, so it wouldn't be too bad if the first time we see her, she’s sporting a new outfit. Again, this is just me, and I have no problems with the outfit itself. It just seems odd they would do this later rather than sooner.

Screwing with Eda: I...did not like this. At all. It was funny at first to see Luz and Gwendolyn lure Eda with Apple Blood like how Wile E. Coyote would bait the Road Runner with birdseed, but it quickly took a turn. Because I don't want to see Eda meet inconvenience after inconvenience from her mother and surrogate daughter. I like Eda, and seeing her happy makes me happy. If I wanted to laugh at a character's suffering, I would have picked Boscha, Mattholomule, Alador, and/or Odalia. This? This was just unnecessary cruelness to a character who doesn't deserve it. And it takes up a good chunk of this episode, making me question whether or not this would be the stinker I was fearing. Fortunately, the ending increased my enjoyment by several notches, but that doesn't change how this was the low point of "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances."

IN CONCLUSION

Despite the road being rocky in the middle, I still consider "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" to be another solid A episode. The first and last few minutes have some quality writing that adds more to the characters, ongoing plot, and mystery that the series is building up. It's one of those important episodes you can't skip when watching a series, but given how it's keeping the new season's impeccable track record, I fail to see how that's a problem.

(Although, I am scared. We haven't gotten a stinker yet, and I really don't want it to be next week's episode. It's a Gus episode with sweet Lumity content on the side! That cannot fail!)

[vaire-gwir]

I’ve run out of my words

Post-mountain incident, Jaskier is a heart broken mess. The last thing he needs is an unexpected visit from Geralt. 

I have accepted that it’s never going to be the same amount of words as I Find you all Unwoven, cause I re-wrote this three times and it just doesn’t happen.

Again, I was sad, that’s my excuse. English is not my first language, hope it doesn’t terribly suck! 

***

It hurt a great deal when Jaskier sold his lute. He was attached to it for more than just sentimental reasons. Sometimes he felt like his life truly started the day he got that lute.

He was used to pain by now though, pain was just another thing creeping under the surface, it came and went in waves like the ocean, sometimes threatening to overwhelm him with memories and sometimes resting among the broken pieces of his heart, hissing like a snake waiting to strike.

It was always there, he just perceived it in different ways: some days it was like being on the edge of an empty abyss of nothingness, about to fall but never really tipping over, just going through the motion. Other times, there were the long nights when sleep refused to visit him and he'd get this urge under his skin, to move, to do something, anything to not feel trapped in his own flesh, caged by his own mind.

He tried to fight insomnia with the ink, but he proved a terrible fighter. He couldn't write anything anymore. When he tried to play, his fingers seemed to have a mind of their own, and he'd get even the simplest of melody wrong, resulting in endless frustration that kept him up until dawn.

As much as he tried to outrun his ghost, he always ended up running right into it, and if he managed to keep his waking hours relatively Geralt-free, the dreams were always there. His journals paid the price of waking up for the hundredth time, after a nightmare that leaves him choking and incapable to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks.

He thought he'd feel relieved after watching it crackle and burn to ashes, as if destroying the evidence of his time with the Witcher could also destroy the heartache that came with it, but it doesn't work like that. Nothing he ever does stops him from being hollow.

Jaskier walks around the Academy like a shadow, trying to keep himself busy between lessons or at least trying to keep Geralt out of his thoughts. This simple task proved to be more complicated than he anticipated. He doesn't want to be here, he's not made for teaching and his students get on his nerves all the time. To be fair, most things get on his nerves since the mountain incident, but he doesn't have many options.

Sure, he could go home to his family, beg their forgiveness and implore his father to allow him back into court. That sounded as promising as jumping off a bridge.

Compared to that, even the room Madame M. offered him at the brothel looked like a golden palace. At least he had some talent for sex, he managed to convince even a Witcher to sleep with him, that hadn't been easy.

Jaskier stirs his mind in a safer direction, cause thinking about those nights will not do him any good. He still blames and curses himself for coming up with that stupid arrangement, cause why not Geralt, I'm here all the time, and I'm obviously very willing, besides you don't have to pay me, looks like a win-win situation to me. Looks like you're a special kind of idiot, Jaskier, that's what you are. Why did Geralt even accept anyway?

Jaskier blinks the memories away and focuses on trying to have lunch, cause that's what sane, normal people do. He's still struggling with normal though.

His plan flew out of the window when someone started to sing. Jaskier froze in his spot when he recognized the song. He wrote that. He should be pleased to hear it, but it's not pride he feels when he glances in the direction of the curly-haired boy in green velvet.

He will never play or sing another song again, and people will forget him sooner than Geralt did. The folks in this tavern don't know him, they don't know he wrote those lyrics to distract himself the first night Geralt didn't come back from a hunt and he feared for him every second of that dreadful night.

He spent hours cursing the Gods for making him so useless and prayed to them in the same breath, begging for their mercy. He felt stupid later, when Geralt showed up at dawn saying it took him longer than expected to break a curse. Jaskier told the Witcher how scared he had been and Geralt dismissed him as the fool he was.

He's scared of being forgotten, of being meaningless and unimportant. No one is going to remember Jaskier, the bard that traveled the continent with the White Wolf and shared his adventures.

He left Jaskier on top of that mountain, he's just Julian now, just a teacher, just another idiot that got his heart broken. Geralt left him like everyone else. That's what people do, they just leave and move on with their lives. So why couldn't he move on too?

There's a small shift in the air, and while he tries to regain control of his thoughts, for some unknown reason, destiny, the universe, life or the Gods, make him turn his head toward the entrance.

There is no mistaking the white hair he sees, or the dark armour. Jaskier knows he has to leave before Geralt sees him. The sole idea of Geralt being here is enough to leave him shaking.

What are the chances of meeting the Witcher outside Oxenfurt? There were no contracts in town, why was fate trying his best to mess with his life today, was the song not enough? He feels like his head is swimming and he knows he doesn't have time to panic cause his heart beats so loudly he fears Geralt will spot it in a second.

He puts some coins in the maid's hand and stumbles out of the place.  

He can't face him. Not today. Probably not ever, cause he can't imagine he'll ever be ready to face the one that broke his heart without holding any anger or resentment towards him. Why must he feel like this, Geralt never cared for him, so why is he still drowning in his feelings for the idiot?

Jaskier is a poet, he should know a thing or two about heartache. He should also know that he's out of luck today.

"Why did you follow me, Witcher?" Jaskier feels his presence a few paces behind him, still so painfully familiar to him even after all these months.

"How did you know..." There's a puzzled expression on Geralt's face. Jaskier knows he's not prepared for this.

It takes him a second to realize that no matter how angry he is at the Witcher, how deep his sorrow runs and how broken his heart is, a small part of him is almost glad to see him. It's the same small part that decided to talk to a stranger and follow him on a dangerous journey, the one that figured out first that what he was feeling was more than a crush, and that accepted every scrap of affection Geralt showed him like he was being handed the world on a silver plate.

Geralt is exactly how he remembers him, and his betrayer heart jumps in his chest when their eyes meet.

"I saw you at the tavern. I spent so long searching for your face in every crowd I started to think I was seeing things, but apparently I was right this time." I love you, I'd recognize your steps everywhere, the cracking of the leather in your gloves and the click of the metal of that buckle in your armor you always forget to fix after a hunt, I know them as if they were my own. I love you, and you broke my heart. That's what he wants to say, but the words get stuck in his throat, they're no use now.

"I... You were not singing." Jaskier knows it's not surprise he sees on Geralt's face when he answers "I don't do that anymore." but he can't figure out what it is.

It hurt when he realized he couldn't bring himself to sing or play anymore, it left him feeling even emptier than before, cause he always thought he'd have his music to console him, to defend him from the things life was throwing at him, to build a wall around himself and protect whatever was left of him. How wrong he was.

"Why not?" Jaskier wishes he could explain that when they parted on top of the mountain, when he forced himself to say "See you around Geralt" knowing he'll never see him again, when he tried to process those heavy words that rolled off the Witcher's tongue, his love for music, for poetry, for life, rolled off too and hid somewhere he couldn't reach anymore. But Geralt never cared for his music.

"Don't act like you care. I'm not the same person I was ten months ago. Besides, you hate my singing, you can barely stand my voice, what difference does it make to you?" Keeping his tone even and preventing his voice from breaking is hard, harder than any performance he ever had to do. Ten months ago feel like a lifetime away now, it doesn't even seem real. The ache in his chest is always there to remind him that it is.

"That's not true." Jaskier sees how he clenches his hands as if those words meant a great effort for him. The Gods know how many times he looked into Geralt's eyes after singing, desperately seeking his approval and finding only a mild annoyance, like this was just another thing he had to endure.

"It's like ordering a pie and finding it has no filling. There's a word for that, in case you didn't know, and it's called disappointment. Now, why did you follow me out here? I don't think it was to tell me you suddenly like my voice cause we both know you don't and honestly, bit late for that, don't you think?" Jaskier wants to be annoyed, he should be furious for what Geralt did to him, for leaving him like he meant nothing, but these days being mad is a lot of effort. He doesn't have it in him anymore, it's easier to let go of the anger. It doesn't make him feel less empty or less broken anyway.

"I just thought...we could maybe....talk?" Jaskier laughs bitterly.

"Really Geralt? That's rich coming from you. Now you want to talk? You know what, no. No, you don't get to come here and tell me you want to talk after I spent ten gods forsaken months trying to forget you. Don't you fucking dare. Not like this. Now if there's something I can help you with, do say so. If not, spare us both this conversation, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to have my heart broken again." Jaskier is not even sure there is something left to break.

He'll never admit it but deep down he knows there's no forgetting Geralt. And he curses that small part of him that wants to listen to him, to let him talk and explain, cause he knows that he'd go back to traveling with the Witcher right this second if he so much as says he'd take him back. Stupid, stupid Jaskier. A Witcher apologizing, as if.

"I'll leave you to your things then. Goodbye, Jaskier."  Saying goodbye, even knowing that it's for the best, doesn't make it any less painful.

"You were right." Geralt looks at him in a way he has never seen before, for a second he thinks it's hurt that he sees flickering in those golden eyes, but it lasts a second. He should know Geralt doesn't care about him enough to be hurt by something he says or does.

"You spent so much time trying to convince me to leave you alone and stop following you around and I never fucking listened. I realized you were right. Cause you, you got what you wanted, life, destiny, whatever, you had your sorceress and I'm finally off your hands. But what about me? That is why I wish...I wish I would have listened to you. Left. Before it was too late. Before having my heart broken."

His voice breaks at the end, he feels the tears stinging his eyes and he turns to walk away before Geralt notices it. Pain comes in waves, and today he's drowning.

[no-gays-in-russia]

The deeper reason behind Judas’ actions

I think one of the most fascinating questions that arise when thinking about the story of Jesus and his betrayal by Judas is the following: why did Judas betray Jesus? What were his reasons? Of course, it was established in God’s plan that Jesus had to be betrayed by one of the apostles, but it wasn’t specified which apostle it was going to be. Then, why Judas? Why him and not Peter, not Simon, not John, not anyone else? From reading the Gospels alone, it might seem like he just did it for the money, but that never felt like a good enough reason for me. One of the main reasons why I love Jesus Christ Superstar is that it tries to answer that question and come up with reasons why Judas could have decided to betray Jesus. Now, in the musical Judas explicicitly tells the audience and other characters about the reasons that made him realize he had to do something (most notably, this is the general theme of Heaven On Their Minds); but still, even in the musical, it’s not entirely clear what his real reasons were. And well, I have my own theory.

I believe it’s safe to say that, before the events of the musical, Judas and Jesus were fairly close, probably more then they were in the Bible. Judas probably had some very strong feelings for Jesus; he noticed it and thought that maybe he should look deeper into them, but after all he was happy and he didn’t feel as though that was necessary. However, then something happened: Jesus got closer to Mary Magdalene, and started drifting away from Judas. Judas was suddendly hit with staggering jealousy, and realized his feelings were getting so intense and uncontrollable that he couldn’t ignore them anymore. However, he still didn’t want to face them and admit the truth to himself; so, when he started feeling such resentment for Jesus and such hatred and hostility for Mary, he thought there must be a different, more noble and reasonable motive behind those feelings. So, he convinced himself that he so despised the idea of Jesus spending so much time with Mary because he felt as though that sort of behaviour wasn’t in line with what Jesus preached and his enemies could have perceived it as inconsistence, which they would have used to try and tear him down. To furtherly support these thoughts that he was creating, he created a whole narrative to justify his worries and his unhappiness, declaring that it all had to do with his values and not his feelings towards Jesus.

How do I know that Judas was jealous of Jesus’ relationship with Mary? Well, first of all, I want to analyze two productions in which the relationship between the three characters is very peculiar and interesting: the 2012 Broadway revival and the 2012 UK arena tour.            

1. In the 2012 Broadway revival, Judas and Mary are actually shown almost being friends with one another, which doesn’t really happen in any other production I have seen; yes, Judas still shows hostility towards Mary, but they are also shown having many moments of affection and complicity; most notably, when Mary sees Judas has hung himself she screams in pain, showing that she deeply cared about him. To me, it always felt like the reason they were so close to one another was that they shared the same feelings for Jesus- they both loved him deeply, but they both were scared by this feeling and didn’t know what exactly to do with it. They also both hurt deeply because they felt as if Jesus didn’t love them as much as he loved the other person (in regards to this, it is important to mention the reprise of Everything’s Alright, in which Judas and Jesus have a tender moment, as Mary quietly observes, right before singing I Don’t Know How To Love Him). This shared experience, instead of keeping them apart from each other, made them get closer. I do have more things to say about the similarities between Judas and Mary’s emotions and the way they act differently, but there will be a whole other post dedicated to that.

2. In the 2012 UK arena tour the exact opposite happens, but at the same time the situation in extremely similar. Here, Judas and Mary both are shown being hostile towards one another. I think the most important thing to note is that, in Everything’s Alright, Mary puts herself in between Jesus and Judas, pushing the latter away and ignoring him as she sings to Jesus. It’s as though she perceives Judas as a threat. A very likely explanation to this is that she just wants Jesus to relax, and thinks that won’t be possible if Judas is around; but of course, I prefer to think that Mary perceives the tension between Jesus and Judas and is jealous of it.

Another element that I believe supports my theory is the fact that Damned For All Time/Blood Money, the song in which Judas definitely betrays Jesus, takes place right after I Don’t Know How To Love Him, which shows Mary singing about her feelings for Jesus. This might seem unimportant, and in several productions it’s fairly insignificant, but there are some in which a strong connection between the two songs is drawn, the main being the 2014 Swedish arena tour. I have a lot to say about this production’s I Don’t Know How To Love Him, so I’ll probably write an entire post dedicated to that, but for now all I’m going to say is that, at the end of the song, Jesus and Mary are having a tender moment, when Judas, who’s been observing the scene, interrupts them and bursts in clear anger and jealousy. There is an altercation between him and Jesus and, immediately afterwards, he goes to the priests to tell them where they can find Jesus. In case the conclusion I am heading forward isn’t obvious, of course Judas is so sick with jealousy at this point that he realizes he will probably have to deal with his feelings very soon and, to avoid that as long as he can, tries to find what he thinks might be a solution to that, hoping that will make those feelings go away.

And so we get to the moment he really acts upon what had been mere thoughts until that point- Damned For All Time/Blood Money happens and he goes up to the priests, choosing to help them by telling them where they can find Jesus. He gives them his reasons for his actions, but what always hit me was how morbidly he repeats them, on and on and on. It’s like he is trying to convince not the priests, but himself that what he is doing is right and needed, as well as trying to convince them that yes, he has very specific reasons for which he is acting this way, there is nothing else to think about. But he doesn’t do the best job, and the entire time he is still hesitant about what he is doing. He does end up telling the priests where to find Jesus, but he immediately regrets it- he never wanted it to end up like that. He just wanted to run away from his feelings. But he is starting to realize he’s taken things too far.

And finally, we get to Judas’ Death. The song opens with Judas who’s definitely realized what he has really done and is in a complete and utter state of panic. There is so much to unpack about this song and it’s so hard not to point out every single interesting detail, but I’ll try to stay in line with the point I am trying to make. Well, Judas is panicking- he has realized that because of him Jesus, whom he deeply cares for as he always has, is suffering terribly, and it will probably lead to his death. He never wanted that to happen, and he would do anything to change it. It’s at this point that he is finally forced to face his feelings, and that moment is shown when he sings “I Don’t Know How To Love Him”. He has finally realized the real reason why he has done all of this; it wasn’t for the money, he wasn’t scared of the crowd, he didn’t think Jesus was betraying his own values, it was none of that: the truth is that all that time, Judas had been in love with Jesus. Those feelings he felt were so strong and unexpected, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. But now he understands it all. And it hurts.