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no-droids · 3 years

Text

Be Brave

gif credit @spectroscopes

Part Nineteen of the Rough Day Series

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 11.6K

Warnings: SMUT, somnophilia helloOooo everyone I am BAAACK, oral sex, face sitting, cockwarming, domestic kink idk if that’s even a thing but it’s in here, mentions of death, canon typical violence, descriptions of hunting an animal, ends on a cliffhanger, this might actually be the longest most descriptive explicit smut I’ve ever written I was left alone for too long send help

A/N: 😏😏😏 hiya yoditos missed yall like hell, thanks for sticking with me in my 100+ day long era of broodiness I swear to god I’m gonna fuckin finish this story if it’s the last thing I do

***

Even after all that excitement and adventure, if there was ever one single moment with Din you’d want branded into your memory forever, it’s this one.

He’s asleep. And no—not because he passed out quicker than you can snap your fingers and then awoke less than two or three hours later at most, not like he always does. This time, he falls asleep, and then he stays asleep.

The baby is tucked away in his crib, shields closed and hidden inside the quietest part of the Crest, and you’ve been awake for at least an hour. You, awake, and Din, asleep. You could count the times this has happened on one hand, and in other circumstances, you might worry that he’s sick or something. There were a lot of people in Nariss and he could’ve caught a bug, but then again, he wears a filter over his mouth pretty much all the time, so you wonder how often that actually happens. No, his body temperature is normal when you lift the back of your hand and fold it along the bend of his neck as he breathes slowly—a few degrees warmer than you, but normal for him.

Is he just that tired? You blink your eyelashes against the skin of his collarbone, staring at the red and green buttons illuminating through the darkness across from your fluffy, comfortable bed on the floor. You’ve seen him come back bleeding and still not rest like this. You thought you slept for a long time; it was one of those nights where you wake up multiple times, smile when you remember where you are and whose body is pressed tight to yours, before passing back out and thanking the Maker that you can continue to sleep. After days of bells ringing every hour, a city with enormous crowds roaring, parades clanging, and fireworks booming, you’ve returned to the most blissful silence you could’ve ever dreamed. Hyperspace, Din’s skin pressed against yours, and against all reason, waiting in the darkness for him to wake up.

Your cheek is squished against his chest and instead of holding you like normal, his limbs are completely splayed out on the floor spread eagle and… maybe you didn’t sleep a long time? What’s more likely? Your body being okay with operating on less than average naturally or Din finally letting himself relax for far longer than he usually does? You don’t have a clock handy, but you feel well-rested. Alert. Maybe it’s a little of both?

Part of you is antsy to not be the only one awake—it’s so weird—but part of you also wants him to sleep as long as physically possible since he never fucking does it. You wonder if this has always been in him. If he was always able to mute his body’s natural need to be active, present and ready, or if this is somehow an unintentional change inspired by your cultivated love of the most basic things in life that most people take for granted. Sleep in the cool, pitch blackness. Water, freely used and consumed and enjoyed, not hoarded and traded like precious jewels. Real food, not… dehydrated chalk bought in the barren markets under a blazing hot sun. It had enough nutrients and fed you well enough, but caf was once a luxury to you, and fruit was, too. For him, you think they still are to an extent—necessities are luxuries, but what about luxurious necessities? Long hot showers, mouthwateringly delicious food, sleeping in… those are completely foreign to him unless you give him a real shove, and this time, you think he made the leap all by himself.

His skin is soft under your cheek though, no matter how harsh of a life he’s lived. You’re suddenly struck with the realization that he’s experienced this multiple times with you, this is what it’s like. Tangled in sheets, hearing him breathe slowly while you hold onto him and stare into the darkness, wide awake. His body is so warm; you fit perfectly next to him and you’d stay here forever if you could.

Except… you’re a bit bored. Not bored enough to move, obviously, but enough to wish he was awake and interacting. You must be terrible company if this is how he typically spends his downtime in the mornings, just waiting for you to wake up, and every gentle breath he takes is another moment you consider a way to entertain yourself.

Well. What does he typically do to entertain himself when you’re asleep?

But then your brain instantly short circuits like it shocked itself with your own train of thought.

Maker. Your chin lifts slightly and your fingers twitch against his chest out of surprise alone, immediately tense just remembering all the gloriously naughty details. It’s been around a year and a half since you first met Din, and you think the best mornings you’ve ever had all started out the same exact way. There’s nothing like blinking your eyes open out of a deep slumber and suddenly realizing that you’re a breath away from an orgasm. It’s like your mind barely has a second to register the warm tongue slowly moving between your legs before you’re locking down and—

Whew. No, no you don’t have the audacity to do that, that takes serious fucking backbone, and it’s unsurprising to you that Din established it early on as something he loves doing. He’s brazen and likes what he likes, no shame. Courageous enough that part of you thinks he doesn’t even know what the word actually means. It’s nothing at all to him, and proves to be the greatest challenge in the universe for you.

Oh, but then the longer you think about it, the more appealing the idea becomes. His body laying out completely naked and relaxed under you, lost in his dreams while you pleasure him. Could you make it as good as he does? Could you make it so soft and hot and generous that he doesn’t wake up until the very last second, and by then it’s too late to stop? It sends a small shiver down your spine. The first time you gave him a blowjob, Din barely allowed it and complained about wanting to fuck you the entire time. The next time you were able to do it, it was in public and again, he only just allowed it. He was still as a statue and tolerated the pleasure you gave him, endured the smooth glide and heat of your mouth, only grabbed you once to make sure you didn’t pull off of him right when he was about to cum so you didn’t make a mess.

This time, if you can manage to make it as sinfully good as he always does, then you’ll finally be able to get him to experience the luxurious things he deserves. Without complaining about the actions he wants to take instead, without holding tense and on edge the entire time. Heat ripples through you, deciding that he’s going to enjoy this. Maybe he’ll start sleeping in more, who knows?

Just testing your luck, you carefully lift your head from Din’s chest, making sure his breathing doesn’t change, and press a whisper-soft kiss to his shoulder.

No response from him. Is he a light sleeper? You don’t even know, that’s how often you’re in this scenario. Will he make a sudden movement when he finally rouses, will his breathing change? It suddenly occurs to you he could actually be fully awake right now and you wouldn’t have any idea unless he decides to make some indication, but you suppose that thrill could be part of the appeal for him when he does this to you.

Your mouth slowly opens and you let the warmth of your tongue barely brush against his skin. Still, nothing at all from him. Completely comatose, the gentle rise and fall of his chest is your only indicator he’s not actually dead right now.

Carefully, you extract yourself from his side in the soft nest of blankets so that your skin isn’t touching his anymore. It’s a process, but you stay patient and slow. You don’t use your hands, their only purpose is to prop yourself up, allow you to hover over him without making any physical contact. All you want him to feel in his dreams is your mouth, soft lips and warm tongue worshipping him, and you’re exceedingly cautious with your movements in order to make that happen.

With every kiss you press to his skin, you think about how much you adore him. Every slow lick along the curve of his muscles is a thought, a hope for him, a brand of your love on his body. In response, Din’s breathing almost seems to go even slower under you, melting into the soft blankets. He isn’t excited by your gentle caresses, not any more than someone would be excited to be home. Instead, it speaks to peace. Bone-deep tranquility in the quiet, never more relaxed than he is when the Crest is moving safely through hyperspace, he’s wearing no armor, his son is sleeping peacefully, and you’re resting in the silent darkness next to him.

You make your way downwards, taking all the time in the world with it. The sheets cover his naked waist and you’re careful about lifting them, even more careful in slipping your body underneath. Your tongue trails gently down the ridge of Din’s hip, your lips brush the very top of his thigh. Even in the pitch black, you can tell his cock is already beginning to find more of a shape in response to your mouth. Your lips are barely a feather against him, never lingering in one place too long, making sure to keep your touches teasing and perfectly elusive. He’ll never be able to predict you in his dreams, you’re gone before his slumbering thoughts can manage to figure it out.

The whole time, you move closer and closer to the object of your desire. When you can’t hold off any longer, you press a gentle kiss to the tip of his cock, opening your mouth to flutter your tongue under the curved flesh.

Din’s thigh barely twitches in his sleep, and you feel him continue to grow thicker. He’s so soft here, his skin is like silk, and for a long moment, you just use your breath to warm him. You slowly drag your parted lips down the length of him, a mere ghost of a touch, and it seems counterintuitive how quickly he’s getting hard for almost nothing at all. When you reach the base, your tongue peeks out to trail a thin little line all the way back up, and you do that at least twice more. Barely there, barely anything, but he continues to swell nonetheless under your whispering touches and it’s filling your body with all sorts of debased desires.

Whenever you thought about Din doing this to you before, it was always blush-inducing, something that warmed your cheeks and made you smile bashfully. A kink your future husband has, nothing more and certainly not anything less. Now, while you’re experiencing it from the other side, the intimacy is making you incredibly hot and achy between your legs. Imagining him being as careful with you as you’re being with him, picturing him under the blankets just like this but carefully dipping his tongue into your slit instead, pressing slow kisses to your clit and listening for your breathing to shift. He’s almost always up front and full speed ahead when you’re there to react to him, and it somehow only strikes you right now that he can be extraordinarily patient and attentive when he wants to be.

After a few more open-mouthed kisses along his deliciously hard length, you pull back to press another soft kiss to the tip—but this time his cock jumps against your lips so hard that you feel it graze your front teeth for a second, and you freeze.

No teeth. No teeth. You don’t even want something as firm and tactile as your hands to touch him, and teeth are even more likely to rouse him. Even though Din has given you plenty of indication to say that he likes a little discomfort with his comfort—he likes jerking off dry, he likes biting, leaving marks and fucking you so good that you can’t stand afterwards—you want it to be all comfort. You want to give him the luxuries he doesn’t think he deserves and you’ll wait an eternity to get that to happen.

He doesn’t move or react in response to your slip up, and his breathing doesn’t change. Regardless, you know it’s only becoming more likely as time goes on, so you find the spot you know he likes the most, on the underside just under the head of his cock. Your mouth stays there, your tongue bathing it gently while your lips find a home along the silky hot curve of his tip. And then you just keep doing that without ever moving, stopping, speeding up or slowing down. You do it until he’s swollen and dribbling precum, throbbing and aching for release. You do it until you feel his muscles start fidgeting, his balls pulling up tight to prepare for it. Still, you never rush. You’re as patient as a saint while you pleasure him, but it doesn’t really take that long at all.

When you’re sure he’s inches away from it, you lift up just enough to slide your tongue underneath the head of his cock and ease it into your mouth.

That’s where he leaks now. Your tongue fits along the curve of him, slowly massaging him with every soft corner of your mouth, and then Din’s breathing finally changes—finally, you hear the rhythmic, lulling inhales and exhales stutter awake.

“Sw—?” Comes his groggy voice, but then he chokes open-mouthed and shocked as he immediately starts cumming, hard and unexpected and first thing in the morning on your tongue.

Your moan feels good when you finally let it out, a soft noise of relief after holding it in for so long, but Din… Stars, it’s like he’s still figuring out where he is, and it’s likely the reason he just shakes instead of thrashes somehow, his fingers just clench instead of doing something brash like usual—grabbing you fiercely or slamming his hand against the floor with it. This time he just shudders and his hips flex up into your mouth, so shocked that it all just comes out through his throat while yours is being filled. The gasp he takes is pure heat ripping through you—raw, harsh, desperate. Caught against such soft sheets, helpless and confused with the lingering darkness of sleep.

“Fuuuuuck,” Din groans, long and loud and dragging across broken glass just to get to your ears. His hands fumble as they blindly reach for you but you’re hidden under the blankets, so all he can do is just twitch and pant brokenly and croak your name while he finishes unloading in your hot mouth.

When he finally stops and you hear his moan turn into a quiet whimper, you settle your head down on his stomach, content to hold him there on your tongue for a little while while he catches his breath. Din sounds like he just ran a marathon not even thirty seconds after waking up, and you flutter your eyes closed and hum in contentment, settling down to get comfortable. Even though his muscles are still spasming in the comedown and not providing a stable surface to truly rest on, it’s so much more relaxing than when you did this in the shooting range on Tatooine and you plan on doing it until he tells you that’s enough.

Din stops allowing it so much sooner than you hoped, though. Maybe it’s because you just couldn’t help yourself and started gently sucking on him the second he stopped trembling. Whatever the reason, the blanket is suddenly ripped off and your elbow is caught in the darkness. You don’t want to, but you finally let his soft cock fall out of the heat of your mouth and he doesn’t even allow you to kiss it one last time before you’re being hauled upwards.

Without a word, he flips you on your back and then just flattens himself down on top of you, burying his face into your neck and sighing.

You reach to gently scrape your nails across his back, smiling unseeingly up at the pitch black ceiling when he shudders and lets out a muffled mmf against your skin in appreciation. Din’s shoulders dwarf you and you take your time dragging your fingernails across the vast spread of them, the subtle dip that leads to his nape. Nails slowly raking through his curls now, flexing your hand wide to ride the curve of his scalp, pressing your fingers in and working at that tension you know lives there. This is where the padding of his helmet digs in the most and weighs heaviest; you know, if only because you’ve worn it yourself, it’s right behind his ears and down just a bit—

—there, Din melts fully into you, breathing deep and slow while you touch him, letting your other hand drag up and down his back. He’s so big and muscular and heavy but you love being squished by him, especially knowing his intense lack of energy and inability to move is specifically because of you.

“Morning,” he finally mumbles into your neck, and you just giggle happily, albeit shallowly and with little support. It’d be easier to breathe if he just moved off your chest a bit and you’re trying to conserve air at the moment, but you think Din is still so drunk off that orgasm that he takes a few more seconds before realizing.

When he finally eases himself downwards to free your ribcage from his weight, oxygen seeps back into your lungs and it’s good enough. He’s still all bulk piled on you, sandwiching everything below your stomach between him and the ground, but you can breathe now and he’s at the perfect height to drop his head down to your chest.

Din’s mouth lazily drags down to one of your nipples, and his lips close around it with a low noise. Oddly enough, it’s so nice that it feels more domestic than overtly sexual. You relax back down into the blankets and play with his hair while he plays with you, arching your chest to his mouth and humming softly.

“You slept for a really long time,” you whisper down at him, and there’s warmth in your voice that’s never been there for anything else before. You don’t know what you’d call it, but it carries the endless sunshine you grew up in, the nourishment of the precious water you used to farm for. “Are you feeling okay?”

Din’s bassy moan rumbles out in deep satisfaction, and he moves to lick one long, slow line between your breasts. “Mmm,” he breathes against your skin. “Never better.”

The rough timbre and vehemence in his tone sends a small shiver down your spine, and you shift your shoulders a bit to offer him your other nipple. He quickly takes it into his mouth, and his soft curls spring while you comb your fingers through them, his fingers dig into your hips when your nails gently scratch his scalp. It’s blissful. You’re filled with a deep, aching love for him once more, and your soul is plagued with a generosity for him so bright and brilliant that it’s almost a compulsion inside you.

You want to lock him in the fresher for a good half an hour and force him to take a long, steaming hot shower, and then you want to make him breakfast.

You can’t even fucking cook. You likely could if you learned, but there’s no kitchen in this ship, and Din would probably break down the door in the shower if you had the audacity to try and barricade him in there. No, you think you’re just feeling that mushy and doting right now. He’s such a capable man in every single circumstance, and the fact that he’s allowing you to take care of him is as addicting as it is intoxicating. You long to give him nice things, feed him and touch him and fill his life with the softest, sweetest pleasures.

You’re completely lost in domestic fantasies, but when Din’s teeth gently close around your nipple and his tongue flicks it at the same time as if to get your attention—then it becomes sexual.

“Settle down,” you breathe out, dragging your palms along his shoulders and beginning to knead the tight muscles there. Does his back hurt after laying on it like that all night? You can give him a massage, your hands are so much stronger than they used to be—

“I want to fuck you,” he immediately lifts his mouth to fall back into an all too familiar exchange with you, but the way he’s panting against your skin lessens the threat and it’s more heartwarming than anything else. “But you already made me cum.”

But Din’s mouth and your arousal is another familiar exchange, and when he goes back to using his tongue and teeth in different ways while laying between your legs, your breathing starts to come a little heavier. You start to wiggle a bit, fidget and move under him but it’s like his body has welded you to the floor.

“I want to make you food.” The urge is so strong that you at least need to manifest it out loud before you get too distracted to remember. “Are you hungry? What sounds good?”

“Mmm,” Din rumbles once more, and that’s all the warning or answer you get before his arms suddenly tighten to steel and he flips you over on top of him. There’s a tiny squeak from you while you flail and try to catch yourself in the pitch blackness at the abrupt change in position, and then you’re caught by his arms hooking under your thighs and shoving you upwards.

“Din—?” You scramble to hold on, not wanting to plant face-first into the metal ground but not really registering where exactly it is in the darkness, either.

“What sounds good?” He repeats under you, continuing to lead you up along the length of his body. At one point you feel his shoulders shuffle downwards between your spread knees, and you think that’s the moment it finally registers for you.

Air rushes from your lungs in understanding, suddenly feeling his chin brush against your hip and warm breath fan against your pussy. You can barely speak right. “Wait, you w-want me to…?”

“Sit on my face,” he finishes low in his throat for you, finding your wrists in the darkness and tugging them down until you feel his soft locks brushing along your palms. His large hands close around your fingers and push your knuckles into fists, encouraging you to grab a handful of his hair. “Use it. Make yourself cum.” Din’s head turns to give your thigh a soft kiss, and the massive shudder down your spine makes your whole body erupt in goosebumps. “It’s yours.”

Fuck, he barely said a handful of words and you’re already soaking wet for him. Warm hands soothe along the backs of your spread thighs and you don’t realize how tight you’re holding yourself until his fingers dig in and start working at those flexed muscles. His breath is a hot whisper against your skin, as gentle and elusive as your mouth was on him earlier. Din’s powerful hands keep massaging your legs and hips and ass, pressing kisses to your twitchy muscles and getting closer to where you want him most.

You think your body doesn’t know whether to tense or relax the second you feel his tongue dip between your folds. His chin either lifts up or your hips sit down a little more, you can’t really tell because it’s pitch black and all you can concentrate on is him brushing your clit in soft, gentle strokes of his tongue. A low moan rumbling between your legs gives you even more shivers, and you start combing your fingers through his hair while Din trails his up and down your legs.

“Fuck,” you whisper, subconsciously leaning into his mouth with how much you want it. The position you’re in feels too dominant to match how needy your voice sounds, but you don’t want to move because then he might stop and you can’t let that happen. His tongue feels perfect, tracing smooth and practiced arches over top of your clit just the way you like. It’s almost embarrassing how quickly you feel the beginning of an orgasm start to simmer deep inside you.

But then, as soon as you register the familiar chaotic swirl building down low and your breath catches, it’s like he just… tapers off.

Gradually, Din’s tongue stops being so dexterous. At first you think you’re just imagining it, imagining that release creep further away the closer you get to it, but no—you let out a pitiful little whine when you realize that he’s moving incredibly slow on purpose. Still drawing circles around your clit, but then at one point he starts avoiding it. Instead, he drags his tongue down until it presses along the slope leading to your entrance, and you’re left trembling and confused by the lack of stimulation.

What is he doing? Is he trying to edge you? His mouth isn’t tired yet, you know from experience how long it takes until that happens, but he’s slacking. Lazing under you, barely moving his tongue at all at this point. You bite your lip, trying not to get frustrated with him.

“Din, please,” you pant instead, begging for that last something that’ll bring you over the edge. Your body is rigid over him and your fingers flex repeatedly against his scalp without pulling any hair, gentle but tight with tension and so close to it that you whine. “Please, I want to cum—”

His hand leaves your skin for a second, and then he brings it back to give you ass a loud smack. You gasp and jerk forward, snapped out of your frantic climb and accidentally tugging his hair when he turns his head against your thigh.

“Use it,” Din growls, and then teeth sink into your soft flesh.

You wince at the unexpected pain and your fingers pull on his hair, but his teeth stay clamped around the sensitive skin and you have to yank to get him to stop. Fuck, you know that’s gonna bruise, and for just a split second, you feel a spark of anger at him for treating you so carelessly after how gentle and sweet you were with him. Any marks of his you wear are usually left in the throes of ecstasy, but this just feels provoking and harsh and intentional. Wanting to stir you up and find the fighter inside you by being just this side of mean, like he did when you first learned how to throw a punch on Naboo. Refusing to accept your timidness or inaction any longer—if he knows it’s in you, then he’ll force you to be brave.

Your fingers yank on his hair again to pull him into position and Din’s encouraging groan is cut off by your hips dropping down on his mouth. When he deliberately doesn’t give you his tongue, flames begin to lick at your skin in the absence of his touch. Not only is he forcing you to do it yourself, he’s also going to make you say it out loud yourself, and a thrill skitters throughout your entire body.

“Open your mouth,” you breathe, heart pounding at the sudden power rush, and everything inside you turns molten hot when Din’s jaw slowly opens and his tongue obediently slides deep into your slit in response.

You lift your hips up and move back until just the tip of it rests against your clit, and then you slowly ease forward and drag your pussy all the way up the length of his tongue.

Din groans again while you lift up and move back once more, doing the exact same thing over again, and then again. The movement becomes more fluid the more you do it, the pleasure starting to blur into a pure fiery sensation every time you rock your clit along his tongue. Callused fingers dig into your ass and help you, your hands release his hair so you can plant them above his head and start fucking down into his mouth. Your body is a rolling tide gradually beginning to rise, breathing speeding up and pleasure mounting until everything finally boils over and you cum just like that, on your knees and the heat of your cunt rocking against his face.

Eventually, the aftershocks die down just enough to feel his arms slide up to hook around your thighs, keeping you steady and held in a firm grip that you’re immediately thankful for. Your energy is drained and your spine slouches while you recover, panting and buzzing in a post orgasm bliss.

But then of course, Din decides to use that of all moments to start moving his tongue.

Your chin snaps upwards in the darkness and everything in you seizes, but you’re clutched in a devastating grip that keeps you anchored right there to the floor. His arms are steel iron shackles wrapped around your hips and a tongue that has gotten way too good at learning what you like for you to even keep up. That firm, perfect rhythm right over your clit, giving you everything you begged for earlier but at the most overwhelming of moments. No matter how you try to scramble away from the shocks of oversensitivity, he’s able to yank your hips back to sit down exactly where he wants you.

You choke out his name and Din keeps you held there so tightly that your weight is actually shifted backwards at one point, forcing you to reach both hands back and plant them against the floor behind you so you don’t bend wrong. Your head drops back and your mouth opens silently at the ceiling, expression clenched and lungs gasping while you endure. He doesn’t let up and you think you must acclimate at some point, because there’s just a split second of warning you get where lightning sparks in your floor muscles and then comes the crash.

Your body contracts so wildly with your second orgasm that you fling forwards and barely catch yourself at the last moment, shaking and moaning through the onslaught. You nearly rip the blankets under your fists, that’s how hard he makes you cum. It was good when you were in charge of taking your own pleasure but he’s just shamed you, it’s fucking blinding when he’s in control. Your shoulder just barely muffles your sob of ecstasy and it takes so much out of you that you’re dead weight on top of him afterwards, not able to move a single muscle.

Somehow, you find yourself tucked against his side once more with your head laying against his chest, just like when you first woke up this morning, and you’re as comfortable as you are confused. How did you get here? You don’t really remember Din easing your body down next to him and then scooping one arm around you into this position, but when you squeeze your legs together, your pussy is still throbbing and you’re wet with his mouth. He holds you silently, and you both bask in the endorphins for a few moments while you catch your breath.

You’re still slightly dazed, but your body feels so fucking good and pleased that you blurt it out without thinking. “When can I look at you, Din?”

You think he’s just as surprised as you are by the unexpected… helplessness in the way you say it. Phrasing it like that in a strangely powerless tone, as if he’s the one standing in your way and preventing it.

“Why does it sound like you’re whining?” He turns his head to ask you flat out, and even though there’s no malice behind his words, they’re so blunt and forthright that you immediately bury your face in his neck to snort an embarrassed laugh in agreement. It did sound like that and you’re really not proud.

“You’re right,” you admit, feeling his palm beginning to drift up and down your back. It immediately relaxes you and soothes every worry or anxiety. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“I already told you before.” His voice suddenly sounds deeper. Not the pitch necessarily, but the actual depth of it. Almost contemplative, in a sense. Saying it to you as if he’s now just a little further away than he physically feels while holding you. “Look whenever you want.”

You know this. What you don’t know is if your lingering inability to decide on a moment is a testament to your natural aversion to taking charge in important situations or if it’s just because of his tone whenever he talks to you about it. There’s a sudden quietness that his voice tends to take on, a reserved silence that sits deeper than his normal preference for not speaking that makes you wonder if you still don’t know some very crucial detail he isn’t sharing. He said Mandalorians look at each other when they agree to spend the rest of their lives together, but is that it? If so, you can’t imagine life would change all that much beyond being able to look him in the eyes whenever you’re alone with him. You’d still be here on the ship to raise the kid while he hunts for quarries, you’d still spend blissful nights wrapped in his arms, the only thing that would be different is that you could have the lights on. You could take his helmet off every single time he comes back from a hunt and give him a long, soft kiss in the privacy of the hull, fluorescents bright and blaring along the bone structure you only know by touch.

You’re quiet for a while, but Din’s voice comes through the darkness when it’s clear you don’t know what to say.

“Do you need to…” You don’t have any fucking clue what he’s trying to ask, but the quiet unsure way he says it is endearing all on its own. “Do you have anybody you… need to tell first?”

It immediately strikes you as odd—when he found you on Arvala-7, you didn’t need to say any goodbyes before hightailing it off that barren wasteland and you don’t ever remember him once mentioning the complete lack of people you told. Why would he ask that, you wonder? But then, you suddenly realize he’s likely only saying that because he’s just as clueless as you are about what you seem to be waiting for.

“Are you asking me if I have a family, Din?” You tilt your chin up to kiss him slowly, even though your lips want to pull into a smile at the sentiment. “A mother you need to impress? A father you need to ask for permission?”

His head drops against the blanketed floor with an already overwhelmed thump and groan. “If they exist, they’re going to despise me.”

And you allow yourself to consider it for just a single second, not trying to hide your blinding grin in the darkness. What a disaster that would be—a story all its own, watching him introduce himself to your parents with a gruff silence and awkward stance. He’s only charming to you, it’s a fact you’re well aware of every single time you’ve seen him interact with anyone else. Karga, Peli—he’s… abrasive and stoic with them, short and the furthest thing from sweet. You can’t even imagine what it would look like if he actually cared about anyone else’s approval, much less tried to gain it.

Still, you can’t help but tease him. “Despise you? What makes you say that?”

“Because I took their little girl away from them,” Din purrs in response, riding his hand down the curve of your hip without moving his head off the floor. “And I do terrible things to her in the dark.”

Shit, if he keeps talking like that, terrible things will be the only things you do in the dark, and you know neither one of you is physically prepared to go again. Instead, you smile and admit the truth.

“They don’t exist,” you tell him, dragging a finger along his chest as it moves. “Not anymore. I’m all yours to steal away, no one will challenge your honor.”

Din shifts slightly, just enough to imply he’s lifting an arm back to prop his head up and look at you.

“Kuiil was all you had?” He whispers after a moment, reaching a careful hand forward to play with your hair.

“Pretty much,” you whisper back, resting your chin on his chest. This isn’t something you necessarily enjoy talking about, but when he’s the one asking, you suppose it’s easy to share. “Some neighbors here or there that I took turns staying with, but Kuiil… taught me everything I know. Helped raise me, and then let me hang around and bother him after I was old enough to be on my own. It took a village, but he was always my favorite.”

“Is that why you’re so good with electronics?” Din asks thoughtfully, tracing your cheekbone with his thumb. “I never knew that much about him, except that he was a great mechanic, and a… selfless man. A good person. I really liked him.”

“Yeah,” you sigh, more wistful at his memory than sad. Din doesn’t like a vast majority of people, but if anyone deserves the mantle, it should be Kuiil. “Big scary Mandalorian in the middle of the desert with fifty guns strapped to him, Kuiil still probably would’ve given you the shirt off his back if you said you could use it. He helped me keep the farm going after my parents died. I think… he was my best friend.”

It’s a few moments before Din speaks, but when he does, his voice is barely there. Hidden in the darkness almost as much as his face is, but informing you of everything you need to know just by his tone. “My parents died, too.”

Your heart automatically goes out to him, even though it’s currently pressed tight against his without any fabric obstructing it. Din doesn’t sound particularly sad, but maybe… resigned, and you can relate to the feeling. It must’ve happened so long ago that it’s just a fact at this point, nothing particularly painful or groundbreaking, not anymore.

Your voice is soft with understanding. “And then you were raised by the Mandalorians?”

He nods an affirmative in the pitch black, but you can only tell through the way his muscles subtly move under you.

“Did you ever have a family with them?” You ask, not wanting to press too hard on painful memories but also not wanting him to think you’re disinterested in hearing about his past. He almost never shares it, you need to tread lightly whenever he decides to. “A clan you joined before creating your own?”

“No,” he answers calmly, but there’s something gentle and somber in his tone that you’ve never heard before. Lost in his memories. “I was too old for that when they found me, I was sent to the militia for training the first week I was there.”

Well that… doesn’t sound good. They sent an orphan to train with an army a week after his family died? Even if he was a teenager or young adult at the time, far older than your measly eight years when you lost your parents, that’s just… unfathomably cruel.

And then all of a sudden, things start clicking into place even without having any further details. Just knowing that simple, two sentence fact about him explains so fucking much, it’s insane. The preference for solitude, the militaristic attitude and gruff exterior, the sandpaper grit he approaches his entire life with, it makes so much sense now. If you had no generous neighbors or community to rely on when things fell apart, you’d probably be hardened to stone, too.

Instead, you’re… tenderhearted. Where he’s fearless and quiet and rough around the edges, you’re curious and dreamy and emotionally empathetic. How easily could the roles have been reversed given the circumstances, you wonder? Could you have ever survived an existence like his before you met him? Something tells you that you’d probably die first, left behind somewhere or taken by your loneliness. You hated your childhood—you still can’t think about that horrid, lonely desert without shuddering, but… you suppose there are far worse things to endure in life than how you were forced to survive, and the man holding very still underneath you waiting for your response is testament enough to that.

“A clan of foundlings, then,” you muse softly, settling the conversation there. He’s shared more than enough, more than you’d ever have the tenacity to ask.

“This is The Way,” Din murmurs quietly at the ceiling in response, and it might be another half hour or so just like that before you both finally drag yourselves out of bed. You should be arriving at your destination soon to retrieve the fifth quarry, and neither of you have forgotten about the deal you both made before you spent a week outrunning him.

***

For as much keeping secrets has always been somewhat of a precedent for Din, you’re starting to realize he’s really not all that great at it.

Or maybe you’re just getting lightyears better at reading him, feeling the subtle shifts in his energy and figuring out exactly what he’s thinking just by listening to his footsteps pace around behind you. Your clothing is being balled up and thrown into a spare bag, he’s accumulating all measley credits he can find stashed around the hull and throwing them in there too, and you’re standing still in the middle of the hull while he can’t stop moving. Crossing in front of you, behind you, finding things to add to the bag that he’d never take for just himself. Extra rations, extra supplies—he even walks over and yanks open the emergency kit, rummaging around and grabbing an E-bacta shot. Though, he wavers slightly on it, looking down at the syringe balanced in his glove for a bit longer than necessary before adding it to the stash.

You know exactly what’s going through his head, it’s almost entertaining. Almost, being the key word. If you weren’t feeling so empathetic, you might find the constant restlessness a bit disconcerting, but as it is… your heart is very warm and heavy in a strange way. Part of the reason you haven’t said anything is because you’re wondering if he’s actually going to follow through here, or if he’s going to say something to you. Is he going to speak up?

From the tightness in his shoulders and the low angle of his helmet as he walks, you’re guessing not.

“Hey,” you finally murmur, giving him a soft smile while you cuddle the kid a little closer to your chest. “I know. It’s alright.”

“Know what?” He asks distractedly, walking over to the armory and opening it. He begins strapping extra ammunition to his body—knives, vibroblades, bullets, fitting guns in places you never even considered before, and it’s endearing enough to make you smile softly.

“I know you’re trying to figure out if you should tell me the truth or not,” you respond, shrugging a shoulder and looking down at your feet when he slows to a stop.

“The truth about what?” Din asks, cautious and slow.

“That you found me way before midnight that last day on Sanctuary II,” you say as you study the floor, your voice coming out melodic and sweet and maybe just the smallest bit sad. “Days before then, probably, but you let me have an adventure when you didn’t have to. You really don’t want us coming with you to grab this quarry, but you also don’t want to tell me I lost. It’s alright. I know.”

Though… you’d still love to go with him. You’ve been studying the quarry’s identity whenever you can, memorizing his face and name and the vague background the Guild has on him. Oshua Ryler, twenty year old human male, missing for two months, no criminal record, last seen on Anoth. The puck was commissioned by his twin sister Thia, ten thousand credit reward if found alive, zero if brought back dead.

It’s a complete shot in the dark for a very small return, but you were so excited about being useful that you had absorbed every bit of information you could about him. Din never said a damn thing to you about it, his voice sounded light and unbothered whenever he addressed you and at first, you thought he wasn’t unhappy to have the company.

But then you caught sight of his hunched shoulders and his worried pacing. The rigid movements and the way his hands never stopped fidgeting. Always moving, sleeping and eating less the closer you got to Anoth, not speaking the amount you normally inspire in him.

If that didn’t make you go all gooey and soft with understanding, then the way he was clearly trying to hide it from you sure did. He’d only stand there and look visibly conflicted when you weren’t paying attention, he’d only allow his composure to slip whenever he thought you weren’t looking.

Even now, when you finally glance up at him, Din is holding very still like he’s just a big metal canteen filled with uncertainty. It melts you instantly, makes you fold without even looking to see if you have a winning hand. He knows how much it means to you that you’re not stuck in one spot for days on end again. And… you also know much it means to him that you and his son stay here, far away from the danger that seems to follow him around like the cape clipped to his shoulders.

“Be safe,” you finally lift your chin to tell him, showing him your most heartfelt smile. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

And then he’s instantly rushing forward and crowding you, pressing his body up against yours and squeezing you tight. You nearly stumble backwards at the unexpected ambush and have just enough sense to save the baby at the very last second from being squished.

“Thank you,” he whispers next to your ear and stars, you have never been crushed like this. Not emotionally—literally, physically, you think your back actually pops under the strain of his arms and you can’t decide if you need to get away to prevent your spine breaking or if it’s the greatest feeling in the universe.

When you’re finally released from the death grip, it takes you a moment to recover and you do so with gentle gloves cupping your jaw, a beskar helmet lingering so close to your face that you’re sure he’s behind the visor looking at you like you painted the sky. Hell, you probably would’ve conceded a long time ago if you knew this was the kind of relief that would flood through his soul—it’s palpable, you can feel it roll through him under the armor. You can’t help but feel a little disappointed for choosing to stay behind like normal, but without you and the kid tagging along, he’ll probably be much quicker and more efficient with grabbing this throwaway puck.

Still. You point to the e-comm strapped to his wrist, and the matching one on yours. “Midnight check-in?”

His thumbs brush the line of your cheekbones as if you're made of glass, transparent and fragile and cherished after being completely compacted and crumpled with gratitude. “If I can.”

That’s the best you’re going to get, and right now, you think you’re so dumb in love with this man that it’s more than enough for your dreamy little heart.

***

“Well, little goblin!” It’s done. It’s finally done, after months of work, and you’re proud enough to fucking beam. “How do I look?”

It’s been barely a few hours since Din left, and you spin around and lift your arms like a ship, glancing down at your figure with glee. Din’s old armor lays against you like it was created for you specifically, but that’s just a manifestation of your attention to detail. You slaved over this in all your free time not spent sparring or practicing your shots—dissolving all the paint and rust, reshaping the metal with Peli’s forge, rewiring the magnetics box to make sure it would stick to the underplates without falling off—and now it’s fucking perfect. It’s missing gloves and boots and one of the pauldrons for your shoulders, and of course, a helmet obviously, but a chest piece and two thigh braces and one pauldron actually looks kinda fucking cool. Less invasive, less heavy, arguably more feminine. Even though you’ve got nothing besides your dark, drab clothing underneath it, you still think you look… badass.

Badass.

Two gigantic black eyes blink thoughtfully at you, causing you to frown at the lack of immediate happiness from him. Come on, is nobody thrilled to see your character growth? Din was silently torn up by your childlike drive to adventure and the kid is now apparently unimpressed by the productivity you’ve engaged with during the waiting periods, so what gives? Are you missing something? Are you the problem?

No, of course not. It’s like this metal strapped to your body refuses to let you think that way any longer. You’re not the problem, but you can be, it whispers to you.

Though, while you’re peacocking around in front of the ship in the new digs and hyping yourself up, the baby just spins around and walks away from you.

“Hey, where are you going?” You call out to his tiny little back, popping your hands on your hips. When you don’t get a gurgled response, you sigh and follow him back up the ramp, clanking. Clanking, you’re making that sound. You like to imagine that this is almost how pretty ladies in big cities feel when they wear high heels for the first time and get to listen to the clack. Ooh, it’s powerful, a reminder of your upgraded wardrobe every step you take, and you fucking love it.

You get why Din never wanted to take his off. When the armor is comfortable and fits your body, it feels… right. Correct. Meant to be. An extension of yourself that you could almost forget about if it wasn’t weighing you down. It’s safe and concealing, protecting your body in a way that makes you want to keep it on if only for peace of mind, regardless of external threats.

Eventually, you find the kid next to the bed, hauling your backpack out from the corner of the hull. It’s three times his size and four times his weight, but he continues heave-hoing across the floor until it’s far enough away from the wall to open the contents.

“What’s up, bug?” You ask, plopping down next to him with a rattling clink clank clonk. You can get used to this, holy shit. “You hungry? No fresh meat in there, sorry to disappoint. We can go look for something outside?”

You make a gesture of putting your hand to your open mouth a few times and then touch your tummy, something you’ve started doing to signify the word food to him. The kid ignores you completely, but he also seems stumped at the concept of a zipper, so you open it for him and watch him dig around in an attempt to satisfy both of your curiosities. Soon, two little green three-fingered hands tug out a light piece of fabric. He drags it over to you and pushes the clothing into your lap, and you study it with raised eyebrows. Your robe from the festival in Nariss? This is what he wants?

“Do you want me to wear this?” You ask out loud, considering. It’s got two pieces, the hooded tunic and the pants, and it might go well with the armor. The robe was literally made from scratch for you but you never really considered putting it on again, thinking of it more as a costume full of good memories than an everyday wear kinda thing, but it might be a good idea just to see.

A few minutes later, and, well. This kid is a fucking genius. For donning a drab brown sack around his body at all times, he makes one hell of a stylist.

You look… like you finally belong at Din’s side, almost. His equal—wait, no, pfft, definitely not equal, but a counterpart of sorts. A sidekick? Are you giving off sidekick vibes, is that what this is? The opalescent fabric shielding your body has no bloodstains or wear and tear the way his clothing does, the armor laying on top of it has no char marks or dents from enemy blasters, but you look like you’re at least in the right place now. An untried soldier, perhaps, or one that’s been sheltered and never had to pay any real dues.

Since you’re already in this deep, you figure you might as well complete the package. There’s an extra holster you find in the Crest’s armory and an ammo belt that slings across your chest. It’s a bit big on you and the fancy gas canisters for your blaster weigh it down more than the regular ones Din uses, but it works. From what you can see in the reflection of the Crest’s fuselage, you’re thrilled with the final result and this time the kid is beaming, too.

He climbs up your thigh and you scoop him up, chuckling at the way he plops against the armor and snuggles up against it. Usually he sits on one of your hips, but this time you cradle him in a forearm just because the metal is too clunky to navigate.

“Guess who I am, goose.” You give one of his cheeks a tiny little poke, and the boy giggles. “Who am I?”

He looks perfectly at home cuddling up to solid steel, just as comfortable as he is when he’s falling asleep in Din’s lap. It makes you acutely aware of just how small he is, how fragile and helpless. While you’re looking down and admiring him, you see the kid bring one tiny little hand up to his mouth a few times, and then reach down to touch his tummy while he blinks up at you.

Ah, so he is hungry. You suspected as much, one meal keeps his tiny tummy full for awhile but it’s been a few days since he gobbled down some poor live animal. He’s entirely capable of catching and consuming it himself, which is a relief on your behalf, but it was pretty horrendous to witness the first couple go arounds.

“Alright, squirt,” you huff, clanging down the ramp and not bothering to close it behind you since you don’t plan on being too long. Maker, the sound is so sexy, it sits deep in your bones and makes you stand up a bit straighter, lift your chin a little higher. “Let’s see if we can find you something.”

Apparently not much happens on Anoth. The terrain is rocky and the population is abysmally low, which isn’t all that ideal. A local town or marketplace may give you something to do, but you suppose there’s an upside to boredom. The Crest continues to be pristine and you’ve now cultivated a new set of armor out of crumpled scrap that used to be gathering dust in a forgotten storage compartment. Even though there isn’t any real information about the level of crime on this planet—which typically means it’s not notable enough to be a concern—you feel safer like this as you begin trekking around slate grey boulders in search of a small animal. Your blaster slung around your hip, the light fabric rippling in the breeze, and silver metal clinging to your body.

Wait. You reach up to lift your hood over your head and pull the mask up over your nose, and now. Yes, this is the feeling. Your breath puffs against the fabric and your boots scrape across pebbles and rough cliffs, and the baby seems so content in your arm that he’s actually quiet the entire time. You search for a good twenty minutes in easy silence, but this planet seems… barren. No crawling critters outside for the baby to chase down and catch, no rivers running nearby to grab a fish from, and no markets or people to be seen.

There is, however, a large flock of birds flying overhead and a perfectly good blaster on your hip. Better than good actually, magnificent and crafted for your hand specifically. There’s also a hungry baby looking longingly up at the sky, and you give him approximately thirty seconds to use his sorcery to pluck one of them out of thin air and levitate it down towards his greedy green hands.

When it doesn’t happen, you lift your blaster with one hand and cradle the kid with the other, squinting one eye shut while you take aim.

Breathe in, breathe out. Fire.

Without any ceremony at all, the plasma beam hits and one of the birds plummets to the ground, dead long before it even reaches impact.

You… truthfully, there isn’t a single part of you that actually thought you’d make contact the very first shot, which might be why you suddenly feel shocked and a bit nauseated by your actions. You didn’t even think—you saw a living thing and then you killed it because the baby in your arms was hungry, no consideration beyond it. It makes logical sense to any rational person, yes, but it doesn’t make sense for you, and it’s fucking you up because it didn’t fuck you up the way it should’ve. You allowed the instant power rush to make you careless and brash, and the sound of it hitting the ground slices through the armor clinging to your body.

You remove your hood and pull down your mask while approaching the dead animal with a frown, trying your best to not feel like a terrible person for shooting it. It’s like as soon as your face is revealed and you’re staring down at it, the guilt starts digging claws into your stomach, shame rolling off you in waves. This little bird did nothing to you, it didn’t deserve to die, but then the baby climbs out of your grip and drops to the ground with a happy little coo. He waddles up and grabs the corpse without blinking, and then downs the entire thing in one bite, feathers and all.

“Oh.” Your face twists up with disgust, but you’re also strangely relieved at the fact that you didn’t have to be the one to touch it and that it’s completely gone now. Out of sight, out of mind. You don’t like dead things and regardless of the armor you’re wearing, you really don’t like being the reason they’re dead. Or handling them when they’re dead. Or looking at them when they’re dead. But if it’s to feed the baby, then you suppose the creature has served a greater purpose than it ever would have alive, and there’s an entire flock of them continuing to fly and sing unbothered above your head. At least the end was swift and painless for this animal, and you much prefer that over witnessing it being swallowed alive by the deceptively tiny chomper at your feet.

You think you’re still working to process what you just did when the speaker in your ear flicks on.

“Sweet girl—” Din’s voice suddenly crackles through the comm, sounding out of breath and… scared. “—to get out, they’re coming for the kid, you have to get—”

“Mando?” You reach a hand up to the earpiece, trying to hear him. He’s breaking in and out, but for the first time since you’ve known him, it sounds like there’s true terror in his voice. He’s speaking so fast, fitting so many words into such a small space when he normally doesn’t talk much at all. “Slow down, I can’t understand you—”

“Run!” He roars through the earpiece. “You can’t let them take him! Get to Nevarro—Karga will—”

Screeches of blasters quickly fill the comm and drown his voice out before he can say anything else, and you try calling out to him again but get no response. You stare down at your wrist in shock and when the communicator cuts out completely, you’re left standing with the baby at your feet in dead silence.

There’s about five full seconds of nothing before you grab the kid off the ground, turn around and sprint like hell back to the Crest.

Your mind blares panic as you run, Din’s voice repeating in your thoughts over and over again. They’re coming for the kid, you can’t let them take him, you have to get out. What does that mean? Who is coming for the kid? Whoever they are, it’s enough to make him scream at you to retreat to Nevarro, sending a life or death rush of adrenaline through your veins, pumping your legs forward as fast as you can.

Fuck, you traveled so far away from the Crest, you were so lost in your head while wearing this armor that you put your family in danger. The metal makes too much noise while you run, like it’s just not meant for it. Not meant to be worn by someone sprinting so fast for safety, it’s meant to protect someone standing still and confronting the threat that’s chasing them. The large rocks scattered around the landscape require you to serpentine your way through them, never slowing and never stopping. Get to the Crest, get to Nevarro, don’t let them take the kid.

It takes an eternity but as soon as you see the ship parked in the distance, you spot a small group of stormtroopers walking up the open ramp.

Stormtroopers?

You halt in your tracks so fast that you skid forward on the rocky ground and nearly fall, not quite believing your eyes. What the fuck are they doing here? At first you think you’re just imagining your worst nightmare coming to life—the Empire never made its way out to Arvala-7 but you’ve heard more than enough stories from Kuiil to know what you can handle and what you need to run from. You’ve never seen a stormtrooper in real life before, but you know what the armor looks like. You recognize the white plastic they strap to themselves, the cheap regulation blasters they carry and how they’re notorious for not being able to use it, but they represent a much larger threat than any single one of them individually and you’re woefully unprepared to face it.

You spin around and duck behind an enormous boulder before they can spot you, shoulders pressed tight to the rock and baby clutched to your chest as you sink down to the ground. Your heartbeat slams in synchrony to the footsteps of the troopers moving up the Crest, and your arms are wrapped so tightly around the kid that he has to use his arms to shove at your rigid hold in order to be released.

“What do I do?” You whisper to him when he finally looks up at you, staring into his large black eyes as if he’ll choose now of all moments to speak coherent words in full sentences. “What do I do?”

The wrinkles are purely for aesthetic purposes, there’s no sage advice to be found from them. You feel like you’re having an anxiety attack and might actually die before ever making it out of here. Your breaths are all wrong—you try to close your eyes and do everything you can to breathe the way Din told you, inhaling quietly through your nose and letting it out through your mouth, but you can’t. You can’t get enough oxygen, you’re so scared that your lungs are trembling and they’re making it impossible to stay silent. Tears flood your eyes and you hunker down, body freezing and crumpling under the terror. You know you need to run, but you can’t seem to move a single muscle and your only means of escape is being boarded and captured right now.

You’re doomed. You’re being confronted by certain death from dozens of meters away and it’s so much scarier when it doesn’t sneak up on you. One of the last things Din said was that they’re looking for the kid, and while you have no clue what the Empire could possibly want with this child, there isn’t a single doubt in your mind of what will happen to you if they get to him. You’re going to die if you don’t find some way to escape with the baby. You know it, and Din knows it. You could hear the pain ripping through his vocal chords when he screamed at you to run. He could be dead right this second but you can’t move, you can’t breathe, you can’t think—

Three fingers slowly land on your cheek.

You blink at the baby in front of you, the unexpected touch of him enough to hit a reset on your fumbling and leave you stunned with zero thoughts. Feeling his tiny hand brush against the tears wetting your skin for a moment.

Except, then all he does is use your face to prop himself up and start climbing. You automatically grimace and scrunch an eye shut to protect yourself from his claws, but then he reaches one arm behind your head with a small gurgle.

Slowly, the fabric of your hood is tugged upwards, with a few pieces of your hair caught in his grip and being yanked on at the same time. Though it’s difficult for him and a bit painful for you, the baby finally manages to pull your hood over your head, and then he sits back in your arms and clutches the mask hanging loosely around your neck with both hands. It stretches up over the bridge of your nose while you hold him, and he blinks gently back at you as your face is covered once more.

Your breathing starts out puffing rapidly against the fabric, until you feel it gradually begin to slow. The darkness of his irises bore into you, searching and deep. There’s something hidden there, you realize, something enlightening and it’s revealing itself to you through him.

All of a sudden, your soul is filled with a majestic bravery so vast and deep that you want to take out your blaster. Your fingers start to itch for it, continuing to stare into his enormous eyes and hearing the chatter and boot stomps of stormtroopers boarding your ship behind you. They’re probably kicking apart the blankets you sleep on, opening the fresher door and climbing the ladder into the cockpit, looking at the carbonite plaques and snooping around the armory. Invading your sacred home to search for this special, spectacular little boy. The sound of their vocal modulators grate sharp against your skin, the clatter of their cheap armor is like knives stabbing your senses. The kid’s eyes are enormous and hypnotic as he stares calmly at you and waits, and you hear the roar of terror in Din’s voice over the comm as if he’s screaming at you right this second. What do you do? What do you do?

You’ve killed to protect this little boy in your arms once before. Now you’re going to do it all over again.

Your body begins to thrum with some kind of foreign energy and with every single slow lungful of air, you feel yourself begin to… go. You start losing feeling in your arms and legs, the mask and armor clinging to your body churns fire in the pit of your stomach, your heart thunders in your chest but it’s inconsequential and secondary. All you can see are two eyes blinking back at you. Depending on you. So large and emotive that you can almost hear him speaking to you through them.

Be brave, they tell you. Stand up, they say.

Without a single word, you rise and tuck him hard against your side, feeling his tiny fingers clutch to the draping white tunic so you can position your arm to shield him best instead of holding him. Your shoulders lift back and your chin raises while you spin around, and the kid dutifully hangs on tight. He knows what’s about to happen and hunkers down behind your elbow without needing any direction. In your mind, nothing else exists besides Din, you, and this child. Every single fear and anxiety, every single emotion and thought is wiped completely, and you’re left with absolutely nothing all besides your family’s immediate survival, and the repeated, furious reminder of how much of a mistake the Empire made in picking a fight with Clan Djarin.

Your feet move forward, walking out from behind the boulder. They’re nearly silent even as they start gradually speeding up across the ground, quiet and steady while you approach. Your hand already has your blaster in it and it raises as soon as you spot a flash of the white enemy armor. There’s a hard frown behind your mask when you flick off the safety, and it only deepens the second you pull the trigger and start shooting.

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian x you #the mandalorian x reader #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #din djarin #mando x reader #mando x you #smut #reader insert #fanfic #star wars #rough day #no-droids

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itsclydebitches · 2 years

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Our Flag Means Death: A Deep Dive

The Obligatory Introduction

Hello, Our Flag Means Death fandom! I am so excited to finally post this. I have a couple of things I'd like to say before anyone reads further though. Let's make a fun Q&A out of it:

How long is this meta?

Too damn long. It’s nearly 35,000 words, so... yeah. It’s the longest single meta I've ever written! (Is that an accomplishment, or...?) Seriously though, do not click “Read More.” Stick this in a separate tab. If anyone actually has an interest in working through this monstrosity, I can only recommend that you approach it in chunks. Take breaks. Drink some water.

Are there sections?

Yep! Eight of them after this intro. They're all fairly self-contained, so feel free to pop around. Also, I hate coming up with titles so I just threw out whatever meme-based stupidity popped into my head. You have my apologies:

Beep Beep, Bitch, Everyone's Gay Queer

"We're Dead! We're Dead! We've Survived but We're Dead!"

The Feminine Urge to Reject Toxic Masculinity

BlackBonnet and Balancing Identities

Stede Is a Lighthouse (Duh)

Izzy Hands (Affectionate and Derogatory)

The Garbage Heap of Miscellaneous Thoughts

Conclusion (AKA When I Finally Rest)

Okay, I read some of this and I super disagree with your takes.

Awesome! Seriously, one of the things I love most about OFMD (and its fandom) is the wealth of interpretations we've got going on, some of which contradict and yet manage to exist simultaneously in the category of Things I Believe In because that’s fiction for you. It's rad. The only thing I ask is if you want to respond to this post, please do so respectfully, both to me and to others. The community has been wonderfully chill thus far and I'd love to keep it that way. Basically, to quote Lucius, "Don't be a dick."

Why do your pictures look so weird?

Because HBO Max won't let me take screenshots, so I had to settle for lackluster phone pics. Sorry 😬

Why in the world have you done this?

Boredom? A love of writing? The desperate need to purge myself of this show before it consumes me whole? Idk take your pick.

I'm not gonna lie, this meta is something I’m feeling pretty iffy about. Partly because I could only stand to work on it for so long, despite all the ways it could still be improved. Partly because there are some aspects of the show I haven't properly worked through yet, let alone figured out how to discuss. Partly just because it is, frankly, scary to throw out this many opinions into a new and still developing fandom. I’ve written a lot in a short period of time and I'm not sure yet if the result is a disaster or not… but for what it's worth, I love this community and I hope at least a few of you get something worthwhile out of this <3

Okay, let’s go!

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Beep Beep, Bitch, Everyone's Gay Queer

Let's begin this massive undertaking with one of my favorite things about OFMD: the queer rep. Specifically, the ways in which Lucius functions as a reflection of Stede — elder gay helping out the baby gay — and preps the audience for our primary Ed/Stede romance. Though the Pilot episode clearly establishes Stede as the other among a group of (supposedly) bloodthirsty pirates, Lucius is largely his equal in that regard. It's easy to miss given that, again, the focus is on how Stede fails to fit in, but nearly everything that separates him from the crew is something that Lucius embodies as well. Stede is the educated aristocrat who brings an entire library to sea? Lucius is the only other one onboard who can read and write (at least, he thinks as much without knowing Jim's secret) and he’s learned beautiful calligraphy to boot. Also, like Stede, it's implied that he enjoys literature for its own sake, given that he's apparently taken him up on his offer to borrow books. Though OFMD does a lot to undermine the idea of "real" intelligence (primarily by balancing Stede and Ed's knowledge of their prospective worlds, positioning both educations as beneficial and capable of solving their problems,) Lucius nevertheless demonstrates the kind of "correct," aristocratic intelligence that Stede hails from. He's a reader, a writer, a thinker, and — like Olu and Jim — someone capable of planning ahead and considering the bigger picture. Olu is the one who points out that Stede is providing them with everything they need to survive so they might as well take advantage of that while they can, while Lucius is the one who looks back at Frenchie sticking his tongue out at the hostages and quickly agrees that yes, the kind of stupidity their captain represents is quite preferable to the other kinds of stupidity pervading the ship.

Stede is emasculated through his disgust of gore and an unwillingness to solve his problems with violence? Lucius likewise displays an unwillingness to get down and dirty, so to speak. Unlike the rest of the crew who revel in the violence that breaks out over dinner with the British— Black Pete has had his gun cocked this whole time, Wee John barges in with an intent to set things ablaze, Jim starts it all off by skewering the racist soldier's hand, etc. — Lucius gives a kind of half-faint when the fighting starts and slinks down in his chair. Later, when we cut back after Stede accidentally kills Badminton, Lucius appears to be hiding under the table rather than joining the brawl. He also hides behind the accordion player when the fight breaks out at Spanish Jackie's. Perhaps most tellingly, he can't engage with Badminton's body any more than Stede can. While Olu tells a panicking Stede that yes, this is happening, Lucius is staring off into the distance, looking like he's just as much in denial about this turn of events as his captain is.

Lucius is a man who, when defending himself from Jim wielding both a knife and murderous intent, still screams "I'm sorry!" after smacking them with a stick. Though we don't know his backstory yet, there might be something to the fact that Lucius looks downright murderous when Badminton forces Stede to recount his bullying — that is, something more than Lucius' general regard for Stede; a slowly developing friendship. That could be the look of someone who understands this kind of bullying all too well because as a gay, educated, effeminate man, Lucius may have suffered similarly.

Other connections surface as the season continues. For example, Stede's expensive, vibrantly colored wardrobe initially sets him apart from everyone else, Lucius included, but it's only Lucius who's dressed up in "A Damned Man" to match Stede when they attempt to sell their hostage off. In the Pilot the crew separate the two, this time with Stede coming out more positively because he's able to do the "wooden boy voice" in their bedtime story. Though Lucius might lack Stede's storytelling skills, he comes to represent Pinocchio (a bit) by becoming part wood thanks to Black Pete's whittled finger and he’s constantly referred to as "the boy" throughout the show. (Also, you know, something something the theme of the whole crew becoming the real people they want to be + Ed in particular becoming a "real boy" rather than simply the persona of Blackbeard, the equivalent of a puppet for all it emotionally fulfills him without "Ed,” "Edward," and the other facets of his identity to add depth). Even tiny details like Stede struggling with the ladder and Lucius freaking out while being lowered to clean the ship — "This is far too fast, this is far too fast, this is far too fast" — help draw them together, especially when we consider that as a duo they may well parallel Izzy and Ed, each right-hand man mimicking their captain in temperament. In short, Lucius mirrors Stede in many ways which allows the show to more easily bridge the gap between the toxic masculinity pirate code that everyone is initially working from — kill people, loot things, die early, bottle it up, you’re definitely straight — and the Gentleman Pirate code that Stede would like to implement — spare people, give back as much as you take, live a long and fulfilled life, "talk it through as a crew,” everyone is queer. Though Stede asserts (and is correct) that everyone on his ship has the capacity to unlearn this cycle, Lucius is the bridge between the two worlds, acting as evidence that they're not nearly as far apart as they may initially seem. Stede wants to be a Gentleman Pirate? Lucius is already a slightly less exaggerated version of that.

Similarly, Lucius is a kind of bridge between two types of television for the viewer, acting as a reassurance before we get into the meat of the story. To better explain what I mean by that, you have to understand that I'm old enough to have lived through the Golden Age of Queerbaiting. Now, when I use the term "queerbaiting" I'm referring both to shows suffering under the literal definition — a marketing scheme wherein people associated with the product (actors, producers, writers) knowingly stoke the idea of a queer relationship without having any intention of making it canonical. These implied promises exist only to draw in a hopeful audience and inevitably leave queer viewers with a sense of betrayal when all is said and done — as well as the more ambiguous definition that's cropped up over the years: a show with very heavy subtext (queercoding), to the point where it feels like the relationship is being teased in an underhanded way, even though that feeling never leaves the confines of the story itself, rendering it technically non-queerbaiting. To be clear, queercoding is not inherently bad, far from it, but the line between an artistic implication and what feels like queerbaiting’s less malicious cousin has become blurred over the years. This is the realm of, "Who are you to say what the writers should have done?" and "Idk, seemed pretty platonic to me. Plenty of BFFs star longingly into each other's eyes!" If you've been in one of the latter fandoms, you know how difficult it can be to explain the difference between mere subjective interpretation and a surety that feels like a knife-twist when it's never acknowledged, if only because you’ve been denied that acknowledgement so many times before. Toss in some more specific categories like, "The authors did everything they could to secure a queer relationship, but the higher ups still mostly killed it and that sucks" (Korra) or "Turns out it wasn't technically queerbaiting, but we spent fifteen years thinking it was and the tradeoff was a Bury Your Gays, so... yay?" (Supernatural) and you start to get an idea of why queer fans might be a little suspicious of what winds up on screen.

(However, and this is a note that is very near and dear to my heart, Good Omens does NOT fall under any definition of queerbaiting. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.)

So, simply put I've come to organize everything I watch into three, broad categories.

Shows That Are Not Queer (And That's Usually Fine)

Shows That Are Queercoded (Let's See How It Pans Out)

Shows That Are 100% Unambiguously Queer (!!!!)

Needless to say, I don't encounter shows in the third category very often. OFMD is one of the rare exceptions that’s so far into Category #3, so fast, that it’s not even a debate. But more than simply giving us queer characters and queer story-lines, OFMD understands how many viewers, like myself, are approaching media with — not to be too dramatic about it — our hearts in our hands. We’ve been burned by queerbaiting for so long that we’re uneasy about it, to say the least.

Okay, great. What does all this have to do with Lucius?

Well, as said, Lucius (along with a few other characters and significant details) is a bridge between Category #2 and #3. The kiss between Stede and Ed doesn't come about until "Act of Grace" and honestly? I wouldn't expect it to. I wouldn’t want it to. Not if we're considering what the story needs, rather than what the audience may want in terms of reassurance. We have to introduce these characters, let them meet, take them on the journey of realizing their feelings for one another and then craft the perfect moment to act on them... if anything, I would have liked a little more buildup to the kiss, more filler episodes to play with their dynamic, more pining, more hesitation before the extreme of running away to China together sounds like the best option. The desire to have queerness acknowledged quickly and overtly is entirely a product of a queerphobic media history; everyone recognizes that a good story needs time and space to develop a relationship, as well as the ability to embrace subtlety. Which is precisely why "They just look like friends to me" and "You're too impatient. It’s only been five years!" are easy shields for others to hide behind). If you want time to develop your queer protagonists, but you know your audience will likely read any "Will they, won't they?" storytelling as potentially cruel teasing, what are you to do? What's the middle ground here?

More queer characters.

Though by the end of the first season OFMD has at least seven confirmed queer characters according to my count (+Izzy heavily implied and Spanish Jackie included too, depending on how you read twenty husbands), at the start Lucius is set to carry that weight, to the point where you might even wonder, very early on, if he's the show's token gay. First though, we start with the suggestive jokes. The Swede sits rubbing his balls in the ball room. Stede comments that everyone wants a piece of the Gentleman Pirate. Lucius is described as being "young and succulent" which, outside of the cannibal context, sounds pretty lewd. Basically, there's no shortage of innuendos throughout and many other shows could have, would have, just left it at that. Even the reveal in episode two, "A Damned Man," that Lucius is gay isn't particularly revolutionary in 2022. As said, he may well just be the token queer whose sexuality is thrown into a single scene to waylay any criticism; the breadcrumbs that many fans will still celebrate because hey, it's better than nothing.

However, by episode three Lucius has gone back on the declaration he made in episode two. He swore to Jim that he's great at keeping secrets. "My mum thought I liked girls for years!" He follows this up with “I understand what it’s like to live in disguise. Let’s just say, not all beards are actual beards, if you catch my drift.” Though it's fantastic to confirm Lucius as gay this early on, this speech also prompts the audience to expect a certain type of story moving forward. Lucius is living in a world where homophobia exists, just like ours, hence keeping his preferences secret from his mom. He only comes out to Jim under duress, specifically as a way to save his own skin. The way that he tries to reassure Jim is by drawing attention to the fact that they both hide: Jim wears a literal beard to hide their identity and Lucius has presumably taken metaphorical beards (fake girlfriends) in the past to pass as straight. The implications of this speech are pretty clear: that queerness is not accepted, it's hidden, only admitted to under extreme circumstances, and a panicked coming out is probably the most the audience should expect. Maybe Lucius will kiss someone in another season or two, if we’re lucky.

Except then OFMD doesn't do that! At all! "A Gentleman Pirate" airs and Jim has their beard removed, prompting Lucius to exclaim in relief because he's "so bad at keeping secrets." He lied. That first scene lied. Not when it comes to Lucius' preferences, but rather in regards to this idea that the world — this show — revolves around hiding, deceit, and subtly; queerness as a rare occurrence and something to be vaguely ashamed of. That reading lasted barely an episode. In removing Jim's disguise, the show simultaneously removes the barrier between my Category #2 and #3. OFMD goes from another dime a dozen show with comedic innuendos, a queercoded lead, and one (1) canonically queer character to, well, what we have now. The representation builds and it builds fast.

As we leave the world of mere innuendo, Stede gets mistaken for a prostitute and instead of being disgusted by the attention of another man, he's merely disappointed that he's yet to sell his captive. That’s not the kind of “booty” he was hawking. Meanwhile, the man in question says that "We could have made magic," framing their potential union as thoroughly positive and something everyone (him, Stede, the audience) is missing out on. Then we watch Spanish Jackie coming onto a woman, thinking she's a man, except later it's revealed that Jackie knew Jim was a woman all along, until later still it's revealed that Jim isn't actually a woman at all! So congrats on the presumed het, presumed lesbian, ultimately queer near-makeout session.

Thing is though, all of this is still fairly surface level stuff. Don't get me wrong, it's way more than what most other shows will do, but it's still fleeting, or used for comedy, or, in the case of Jim, requires that the viewer get through several more episodes before they understand precisely how this might function as representation. The point is that between this sprinkling of queerness that the audience may not be sure what to make of yet, and the overwhelmingly canonical romance of our two leads, Lucius is there to fill the gap. "The Best Revenge is Dressing Well" slams in hard with what is now one of my favorite scenes in television history. I am, of course, referring to the moment when Izzy finds Lucius and Pete post-coitus. I mean seriously, this scene gives us so much in such a short period of time. Reasserting that Lucius is gay (AKA not leaving that as a one-time admission for representation clout). Confirmation that Black Pete is also queer. Revealing that they've started a supremely cute relationship. Wee John taking a nap two feet away, annoyed only that they're disturbing his rest. And, of course there's, ah...

Look, I'm trying to approach this meta with a modicum of respectability. I’m trying to write clearly, provide evidence wherever I can, all that jazz. But here I must take a break from the professional veneer and scream that IZZY LIMP-WRISTS HIS WAY INTO REVEALING HE HAS A FUCKING DADDY KINK AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT, HOLY SHIT.

This show is A Lot.

I'll get into our queerphobic gay later, but for now the fact that OFMD did all of the above plus blessing us with the most intense second-hand embarrassment I've experienced in years demonstrates just how fast the show moves from Category #2 to #3 — and Lucius, the one who is most like Stede, is at the center of it all. In the same episode he gets out of the work Izzy has assigned by seducing Fang and I oh so love that this come-on is not presented as predatory, or even a lie. It would have been so easy to have Lucius wield his queerness as a weapon and then immediately ditch Fang once he'd gotten what he wanted, sending the message (however unintentional, given the rest of the show) that such interactions are inherently duplicitous. But instead, Lucius likes Fang. Sure, his "stunning cheekbones" comment is initially a means of distracting Fang from his duty, but when it works Lucius is all for following through on that compliment. His praise while sketching Fang is genuine and it likewise draws attention to OFMD's support of not just queer relationships, but the variety of queer bodies.

Fang: "I've never met anyone whose taken an interest in my form before."

Lucius: "You've never met anyone worth a damn then."

That's a wonderful line on its own, but it means so much more when delivered to a black, fat character. Just like it would have been easy to make Lucius the seductress who wields his charm solely as a means of achieving other ends — the only time it's actually used as such is against Izzy who tries to undermine the open, diverse environment the crew has built — it likewise would have been easy to give Lucius a cute twink to sleep with, someone considered palatable to look at on screen (note my disdain for the term). Someone the audience can find attractive too, if you’ve got a very narrow definition of “attractive,” that is. Hell, our entire cast might have been made up of Very Handsome Men (+ Jim) with makeup and costuming departments working hard to emphasize their Hollywood acceptable features. Think chiseled abs, waxed chests, dehydrated bodies, perfectly styled hair, etc. We’ve seen it before.

The above may make it sound like I don't think the cast is handsome. The cast is fucking hot, but it's important to note that it's an explicitly anti-Hollywood, queer kind of hotness: boundary pushing, outside of the established norm, rife with all too human blemishes that make us go, “Hell yeah that’s a real person, not a photoshopped Ken doll.” With the exception of dressing Ed all in leather as a heavy-handed, satire-esque nod towards traditional masculinity (though it's a look that nevertheless has its own detailing: the slight pudge of his stomach, a purple undershirt, to say nothing of the general association of leather with the pride community) the cast is refreshingly honest in regards to their looks. The crew has bellies, muscles, long hair, shaved heads, body hair, tattoos, torn shirts (not artfully), bare feet, sweaty faces, grimy hands, crooked teeth, accents galore, and they come in a variety of ages. They feel like people, not actors dolled up to look society-approved #hot regardless of whether that makes sense for the story (for example, final girls must make running for their lives look oh so sexy, right?) and I often find myself admiring that as I watch. For me, this is a crucial part of Lucius' story intertwining with Ed and Stede's. The kind of writing that allows an openly gay man to lovingly sketch the cock of a fat black man of yet undetermined sexuality is the exact kind of writing that takes the question of, "What if a closeted, middle-aged, former aristocrat and a queer, silk-loving, also middle-aged pirate fell in love?" seriously too.

So, we move through the innuendos, the one-line reveal of a queer character, before finally exploding with representation before our main couple has even passed out of the buddy-duo stage. I think that's why Stede and Ed are able to have their symbolism laden relationship without the audience becoming frustrated with that approach. Yes, a large part of it is also how quickly OFMD arrives at the kiss — ten episodes can't compare to, say, Supernatural's fifteen seasons, or RWBY's eight Volumes, or any of the other shows that have taken literal years to reach some kind of queer confirmation. OFMD got there in twenty-one days — but even if they'd allowed Ed and Stede to slow burn for years, or never made them canonical at all, the queercoding of that hits different when we've got Lucius in a loving relationship with Pete, Fang blushing as he poses naked, Oluwande getting it on with a non-binary Jim. There’s an inherent understanding — though it’s still technically non-canonical —to the guys almost-kissing under the moonlight, or co-captaining together, or touching hands in a sickbed, or going through the beats of a breakup before they're confirmed to be together, etc. We’re shown all these ways in which queerness is traditionally woven into television, but that’s a lot more enjoyable to watch not just when you know the kiss is coming, but when you already have a wealth of queer rep regardless of what happens between Stede and Ed.

Of course, we do get that confirmed love story between them. That's what's amazing about OFMD: it not only gives us the rep so many of us (still) crave, but is knowledgeable enough about queer media history to realize how the initial queercoding might look — even how our tragic season finale might look — and went, "We're going to make sure you understand, without a shadow of a doubt, that we love these queer characters and are going to treat them well." As an added bonus to all this, I'm personally able to enjoy Ed and Stede's friendship a whole lot more when I'm not reading it through a potentially queerbaited lens. "Dammit, Jack, he's my friend!" Ed cries and instead of worrying about the possibility that the show is going to try and pass this off as an eternal no homo, I'm instead cheering because yes, of course you're friends! You should be friends with the person you're dating!

Alongside simply having compassionately written rep, it's also worth acknowledging that the representation has diversity—we're given options!—and I'm not simply talking about the number of queer characters, their differing sexualities, genders, or the three+ couples they make up. I've seen a few fans comment about how happy they are that OFMD doesn't have any coming out stories, though I have to disagree with that claim. OFMD has two coming out stories, it's just that they're treated as such a natural part of the story-world that there's not an obnoxious amount of focus on the event like you might get in another tale (and that you might therefore want to avoid). Not everyone wants to read another story of the closeted individual, the terror of coming out, the big production it's turned into, the fallout with friends and family, etc. That is indeed one very important kind of queer story, but it's far from the only one and in recent years I've seen a distinct uptick in various communities going, "Can't we have more stories where we're just... there? An established part of the world already? Sometimes I want fiction to grapple with lived experiences and sometimes I just want some damn escapism. Watching another high schooler—when I'm an adult—panicking that their family will disown them for who they kiss doesn't feel very escapist." So OFMD gives us that sense of significance by alluding to a queerphobic world (Lucius' line) and writing a queerphobic character (Izzy), but the show also gives us two coming out moments that, while undoubtedly important for these characters, don't consume the show as a whole.

The first—not chronologically, just in terms of impact—is Stede himself. "Wherever You Go, There You Are" confirms what's implied throughout the rest of the season: that Stede hasn’t yet come to terms with his own sexuality. Which makes complete sense, when you think about it. He's an aristocrat forced into an unhappy marriage with a woman by his father. Stede continually frames his more stereotypically queer characteristics—a love of fine clothes, a compassionate disposition, a connection to nature, etc.—as weaknesses, demonstrating a certain amount of learned, internalized homophobia. Not to the extent of Izzy who lashes out at others and, as of yet, never reaches the same self-reflection as Stede, but enough to feel as if he's a failure for not fitting in, unable to live up to society's expectations. Stede spent years pretending to be straight the same way he spent the Pilot pretending to be eager for a violent, bloody raid. Stede also has a literal, secret closet on his ship that he reveals only to Ed, the man he loves! In retrospect, it's obvious that he hadn't come to terms with his sexuality yet. Yet when he does, it's an easy admission that's immediately embraced by Mary. Though I only had a split second to think about it as the scene aired, a part of me expected Stede to keep his love for Ed a secret, deliberately hide it away this time and agonize over how to tell people, because aren't those the stories we've grown used to? Ones where being queer is treated as something inherently dangerous, something that might lose you everyone you love? And it can be, of course it can. As said, we do need those kinds of stories... but personally, hearing

Mary: "Who is she?"

Stede: "Ed. His name is Ed"

and having Mary accept that instantly, moving in to hug Stede, was like a breath of fresh air. I love this moment, folks.

The second character to come out is Jim. Initially their story is presented as a woman hiding out as a man and indeed, the way others refer to Jim early on confirms this reading. Olu arguably knows them the best, but refers to them as a "waitress" when discussing their past. In the same conversation, Spanish Jackie calls Jim a "bitch" and both continue to use she/her pronouns: "But you do know where she is though, right?" So, we've got both a friend and an enemy acting fairly confident in Jim's gender, yet when the disguise comes off and they're asked if they've really been a woman this whole time, the answer is,

Jim: "Yeah. I guess. I don't know."

Well, that's an unexpected response. Rather than confirming that yeah, sure, they were just a woman dressed as a man, the act of questioning their gender forces Jim to reconsider it (as well as, we assume, the act of pretending to be a man for a time). Seem ridiculous? Well, it happened in real life.

Now, with the disclaimer that I wasn't able to back-track the source (due entirely to my iffy knowledge of other social media sites, I'm sure) here we have a member of the OFMD crew going through, in essence, precisely what Jim did. The simple act of Vico asking for their pronouns led to a moment of self-reflection and, according to this comment, coming out as non-binary. Similarly, the crew asking Jim if they've been a woman this whole time does the same sort of work. They move from surety (“Yeah.”), to vague agreement (“I guess.”), to outright doubt (“I don’t know.”), all in the span of just a few words. This questioning doesn't occur as a dramatic, angsty subplot, but simply a line of dialogue embedded in an otherwise full scene. We haven't deviated from the show's tone or primary couple, but that's not to say that this line isn't a game-changer for Jim's development. Further questions reinforce this line of thinking—are you still Jim then? (Roach), surely a lady can't be named Jim, right? (Wee John)—and by the time we reach the "Are you a mermaid?" conversation, Jim has hit on a simple solution. They're still Jim. That's it. That's all you need to know. I believe that "This is Happening" is the first time that another character uses they/them pronouns for Jim—Olu saying, “I think Jim should do it, seeing as they’re from here”—and just to be sure the audience didn’t miss it, we get a couple other conversations referencing Jim this episode, such as Frenchie and the others admitting that they'd love to be stabbed by them. Clearly, Jim has come out to the crew and either by process of elimination, or in an off-screen request, they've rejected "he" and "she" for "they." We get this same, easy acceptance from Jim's nana. "I go by Jim now," they say and it's like cool, awesome, come in for some cake. Notably, their nana continues to call Jim Bonifacia—something they seem fine with—while also using they/them pronouns, demonstrating a complex relationship with gender that I personally loved to see. Sometimes coming out is a weirder conversation than explicitly saying, "I'm non-binary." Sometimes changing pronouns happens on the fly, hardly worth a mention. Sometimes you change your name, but people in your past still know you as something else, and provided you're comfortable with that then sure, do that. Jim has a coming out story—a rather complex one, I'd argue—but it feels like any other subplot because OFMD treats it as such. Jim changing parts of their identity isn't some shocking revelation that halts the story in its tracks, it's just a thing that everyone instantly accommodates.

And isn't that what we want? A world where not only do queer people abound, but you can go, "I'm Jim" and everyone around you responds with, "Sure. Always liked Jim :)"

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“We’re Dead! We’re Dead! We’ve Survived but We’re Dead!”

At the very start of the series OFMD introduces the thesis that pirates, simply put, are destined to die. Before we even see any of the characters, we’re shown text that moves sharply from optimism to, well… not. It’s 1717, the Golden Age of Piracy, and “Wealthy landowner Stede Bonnet [has] set out to find adventure and renown on the high seas.” That sounds pretty good! The golden age, wealth, land ownership, adventure, and renown are all positives, setting up the expectation that things have gone well and will continue to go well for Stede Bonnet. However, this start is immediately undermined with the follow-up, “Things did not go as planned…” with the letters fading from white to blood red, just to make it that much more ominous.

In case anyone misses that implication, Frenchie opens the story proper with a much more overt acknowledgement of death. He sings a song—and then another later in the episode—about how “a pirate’s life, [it’s] short but nice,” “we won’t live long,” and just to hammer things home, “to death we go, a certain death we go.” Everyone on this ship not only expects to die, but to die soon. Frenchie sings his songs (and note that this is the only acceptable way for pirates to express themselves before Stede steps in and orders other options as captain: Lucius should sketch their adventures for prosperity, everyone should make a flag for the ship, the Swede is coaxed into singing, etc.) while everyone else takes a less chipper approach to their supposedly inevitable demise. Olu talks about how dangerous a life this is and is sure that Stede will be dead soon, so best to enjoy his captaining while they can. Ed equates good pirating with survival, claiming that Stede must be great because “Most of the pirates I know? They’re dead, so you’re doing a hell of a lot better than them.” Black Pete grumbles about how he should have killed at least twenty people by now, which is another way of saying that they might be a part of another pirate’s twenty. Hell, it’s in the name of the show. Our flag means death! At least it’s supposed to. Real pirates don’t fly buttons, or cats, or even mere cannibalism, they’re a sign of your impending demise. In short, death is a staple of the career. It’s a given.

Olu: “Looks like we’re gonna live after all.”

Jim: “For a little while longer at least.”

But what happens if you don’t die?

That’s the question Ed is facing. Everyone else is working under the assumption that their days are finite and, by and large, that assumption is proven true, simply due to how much death otherwise infuses the show. Jim’s father is killed and they find one of the men responsible already decaying in Spanish Jackie’s back room. This is after Jim killed one of Jackie’s husbands. Jackie then finishes Geraldo off. Geraldo turns the whole crew over to the Spanish where Stede is stabbed and nearly hanged. They ended up there because of a hostage they took while killing a bunch of British officers. The act of tricking said officers by dressing in fine clothes starts Pete on a journey that leads to his relationship with Lucius and the line, “Death, I’m used to death, but not, you know, your death…" and so on and so forth. Ed stands apart as a pirate who has beaten the odds, so talented and successful that he’s managed to survive in a world that’s un-survivable for very long. The result is a boredom so intense—and yes, for the purposes of this section I am simplifying a deep depression into "boredom”—that he’ll do anything to alleviate it, even consider forcibly bringing about a pirate’s natural end that he’s somehow dodged up until now.

Izzy: Well, as bored as you might be if you don’t make a decision soon we’re gonna fucking die.

Blackbeard: Ohh, now there’s an idea. I haven’t done that yet. I haven’t died yet, have I? Maybe we should try that.

Izzy is left wrong-footed and more than a little confused, stuttering out “D-do what?” and following it up with a sarcastic, “Yeah, ‘cause that makes sense.” He doesn’t understand why Ed is bored, perhaps because he has Blackbeard just like Ed will soon have Stede. Regardless, Ed’s boredom is eating at him, whether Izzy understands that or not, and it’s directly paralleled to Stede’s “monotony” in the previous scene:

Mary: “Why on Earth would we [go to sea]?”

Stede: “I don’t know. Break the monotony? … I just think, why waste our time here, day after day, doing the same old thing when we could be doing this!”

The theme crops up again in episode five when they visit the party and despite having everything that someone would presumably want—wealth, connections, the social freedom to do as they please (such as marrying a sibling)—the rich assholes are just as bored as Ed and Stede were. They immediately lose interest in Stede despite the fame he’s adopted. Ed’s ignorance of their social norms provides a brief distraction before mocking him becomes the latest entertainment instead (they’re “fickle”) and he too is reduced to a monotony: “How will you [kill us], Jeff the accountant, by boring us to death?” When Stede suggests a party game, something that’s the norm for such gatherings, the response is an immediate, "I’m already so bored I could die.” This is what boredom leads to: death, either metaphorical in the sense of Stede burying his personality and interests in his marriage to Mary, or literal in terms of the aristocrats throwing themselves to the sea when their ship is set ablaze.

For Ed and Stede, both of them are disenchanted with the life they’ve been given and desire what the other has, making them a perfect couple when paired up, capable of providing new opportunities for one another. When together, Stede can dress Ed up in fine clothes to set a ship on fire; Ed can teach him fuckery to be implemented like a fancy play—intertwining aspects of both their lives to create something original. They balance one another, but it’s important to remember that in this journey to dodge boredom and ultimately death, Stede is still the one with all the privilege, even though it might feel like Ed has more power. After all, he doesn’t have a father insisting upon an arranged marriage, or anyone of greater social status calling the shots. Basically, who would fuck with Blackbeard? If he wants to loot others’ fine silks and start his own library, who the hell is going to stop him? It seems simple on the surface, but the reality is in Ed’s flashback. It’s short, but we see a rather crucial conversation between him and his mother about how people like them simply don’t get nice things. “We’re just not those kinds of people. We never will be.” It’s that "never will be” that he’s internalized. It doesn’t matter how much he learns from Stede because, as the insulting captive says, “a rich donkey is still a donkey.” It doesn’t matter if Ed dresses in fine clothes, he still can’t hold the attention of the aristocracy when his table manners are less than perfect. It doesn’t matter if Ed manages to learn those rules down the line, people like that captive will always view him as lesser due to the circumstances of his birth: “My kind? What’s that supposed to mean?” Class distinguishes them in a way that cannot easily be overcome through tutelage and Ed knows that. Notably, for a man who is haunted by killing his father and has fostered off all the other murders on his crew (kinda), this is the moment when we see Ed at his most cruel. No, he doesn’t kill the captive himself, but he still gives the detailed, horrific order to skin him with a fork, then toss him overboard. As he admits to Stede later on, that comment cut deep.

That’s how the (very flawed, very awful) world works. Stede, meanwhile, is still a member of the aristocracy whether he’s at sea or not. He might not get a say in who he marries, but the privilege of being a white, wealthy, able-bodied, literate, high society man who was born into that role and intrinsically maintains those characteristics regardless of his current profession has taught him that anything he really wants is within his reach. That’s how his world works. Ultimately, it’s a whole lot easier for Stede to build a ship and become a pirate (even a bad one) to dodge his metaphorical death than it is for Ed to enjoy a fine fabric; the feelings of being trapped in his own social circle, and the monotony of the part he plays there, pushes him closer to a literal death: “Maybe we should try that.” Stede is able to go after his dreams all on his own as a means of shaking up his life and the status quo. Ed, however, needs someone else—Stede—to offer him the opportunity and he needs help to sustain it. They might be co-captains, equal in their respect for one another, but that’s not the same thing as either of their societies seeing them as equals, or the both of them needing the same sort of support.

Stede lasted weeks of being a pirate captain despite everyone on board telling him he wasn’t suited for it. It’s only when things have really fallen apart—when the British have wormed their way onto his vessel, when he’s just starting to believe Olu’s advice to give the pirate life up, when he’s accidentally killed Badminton—that Stede displays some of the same worrying thoughts as Ed.

Olu: “Do you want to live?”

Stede: “That’s a tough question… I think so. Probably.”

Later, we move from a purely comedic admission to a far more honest one:

Ed: “You ever feel trapped? Like you’re just treading water, waiting to drown?”

Stede: “Yes. I very much have felt that way.”

Stede is forced into a kind of emotional death when he weds. Mary is too. ("You know you’re killing her, right?”) The story is adamant in arguing that they’ve both been hurt by this match, they both have had a hand in its downfall—“We just can’t seem to stop hurting each other, can we?”—and they both deserve to find happiness, and I absolutely love OFMD for that. It’s a bit on-the-nose to cut from the (un)happy couple straight to a pair of headstones. What’s a bit more subtle though is when the camera pans down from their graves to their dining table sometime in the future. Meaning, their married life is, from a cinematography perspective, six feet under. By living together they’re already beneath those headstones, in every way that truly matters, up until Stede makes the radical choice to try being a pirate. Now, faced with the typical violence of his chosen profession, Stede questions continuing on when it appears that much of what he tried to leave behind has followed him onto his ship: an inability to handle the blood and gore that characterize “real” men. But beyond that comedic admission to Olu, and a moment with Ed in which Stede uses the past tense (“I very much have felt that way”), he displays a remarkable perseverance, likely because—despite other, obvious hardships—Stede did grow up with a certain amount of self-worth, simply by virtue of being the cream of the crop. He’s an aristocrat, indefinitely. Wealthy and titled and innately lucky in so many respects. He’s “fortunate.” All the bullying and insults from others didn’t teach him to hide his preferences, merely move them to a new community where they’re given another chance to flourish. Being a “lily-livered rich boy” might be a negative trait from the perspective of a father who values a very narrow set of characteristics, but ultimately, it’s that “rich” description that allows Stede to chase what he wants and leave his metaphorical death behind. Money allows him to build a ship, pay a crew enough to keep them around (even though they all agree he’s a terrible captain), and even leave his family well off to try and assuage his guilt. Hell, it’s his education—the ability to read—that helps stall the mutiny because will they really kill Captain before learning the end of Pinocchio? However, scarred by his father’s words, Stede does a lot throughout the season to distance himself from his wealth so that he might be more than just the pathetic rich boy. We start the season with Stede dumping two baskets of fine fabrics for the crew to turn into pirate flags—ripping and tearing the material, turning it into (supposedly) scary imagery, a symbol of his class literally being repurposed—and we end it with Stede giving up his fortune in full, setting out to sea with nothing but a dinghy and the clothes on his back.

His father said that only peasants married for love? Alright then, guess he needs to make himself a peasant in order to love Ed. Yet despite all this, despite Stede choosing love over those social privileges, we cannot deny that it was this wealth and an aristocratic upbringing that allowed Stede to make an attempt at the pirate life in the first place. Even now that he’s left it behind, Stede maintains an education and bearing that inevitably sets him apart. Stede might not have the money to buy a melon spoon anymore, but he’ll always be able to recognize one on the table.

In contrast, all Ed’s power and resources stem from the persona of Blackbeard, so if it’s that very persona he wants to change… the ability to do so is lost because that power is lost. It’s a circle. Ed has no wealth to purchase his fine fabrics as Stede had to purchase his ship and the ability to loot those fabrics depends on remaining the man who wouldn’t want those fabrics in the first place. Ed lasts just a few days in his gown and painted nails before he reverts to the life he believes he’s supposed to live—the one designated by his birth—despite the fact that Izzy is the only one pressuring him to reclaim it and everyone else on board is supportive of his new self-expression. Yet without Stede’s support, being Blackbeard becomes a necessity once more (as well as, of course, a reaction to Stede’s abandonment) because they live in a world where it’s a whole lot easier for an aristocrat to make the insane choice of becoming a pirate than it is a pirate to make the insane choice of becoming a gentleman. You can move down the ladder as much as you please, but not up; Stede can return home to a group of gentlemen eager for his stories, but Ed can’t keep his spot at the aristocrat’s table for longer than a single course. Ultimately, OFMD is as much about class as it is toxic masculinity. Or rather, the two themes go hand-in-hand, with much of Ed’s toxic characteristics resurfacing because that’s how you survive without a rich man to pay your wages. It’s no coincidence that the characters’ wardrobes and overall appearance—one of the most overt indicators of wealth (or lack thereof)— are equalized when the narrative likewise wants them to be on equal footing with one another. Stede and Ed have their almost-kiss after the party, but that’s no good. Not just because they have a lot to work through still, but because they’ve just come from a place where Ed has been forcibly reminded of the difference in their stations and he’s still dressed in an outfit that, ultimately, isn’t him. “You wear fine things well,” Stede says and it’s true, but notably Ed never puts the swatch of silk back on display. It’s not something he’s comfortable with after a lifetime of hearing that it’s not for people like him and though I hope the story continues to nurture his love of fine things, he’s not quite at that place yet. So instead, we get an adorably awkward kiss when they’re both prisoners. More specifically, when both have given themselves up for the other, with both in the same scratchy clothes, both momentarily stripped of their individual power (wealth, Ed’s beard) with nothing to show one another but exactly what they currently are: two middle-aged men who haven’t figured it all out yet, but they know that the other makes them happy. Isn’t that enough?

(Not to distract from the Blackbonnet content, but the same sort of equalizing also occurs between Stede and Mary. Rather than their conversation taking place during a moment when Mary is reminded that she’s legally beholden to Stede under God, or when Stede is reminded of her hatred and infidelity, they come to an understanding while they’re just two people in their nightgowns—nothing more, nothing less.)

So, is just being a middle-aged person who makes the other happy enough? Well, yes… but Ed and Stede aren’t quite going about it in the right way yet. As I’ll discuss more in the Blackbonnet section, Ed in particular struggles with accepting all aspects of himself, instead choosing one facet for a time—usually to make someone else happy— before inevitably crumbling into the next when he can’t be that limited person anymore. He can’t be fearsome Blackbeard all the time, or poetry-loving Edward all the time, or a guy who only wants to fold things all the time, etc. To summarize, Ed is continually running away from parts of himself and each time this manifests as a kind of death. At the start of the season, he wants to kill off Blackbeard entirely, becoming Stede Bonnet instead. By the end, he’s still trying to murder key parts of his identity by changing everything: his name, his backstory, his crew, where he lives—“Our old lives would be gone, dead, never were.” And I’m like Ed, honey, it doesn’t work that way. Sure, Stede “died,” but significantly that first death was a bust that resulted in going back to his family because the past has to be dealt with.

The second death via cheetah-carriage-piano murder (what a fuckery!) works because everyone that matters knows that Stede Bonnet is still alive and, more importantly, after doing that emotional work he’s finally free. He’s accepted both parts of himself: the part that’s a pirate and the part that’s an aristocrat who abandoned his family; no more “My family is here now. At sea” avoidance. Pretending those parts of yourself don’t exist, never existed, is just letting them fester until they eventually come back to haunt you. You know, like a Badminton.

Lucius tries to teach Ed this in the blanket fort, encouraging him to face his feelings and asking, “What if it’s not a death? What if life just begins again?” Yet when Ed emerges, he’s still singing “Life’s a hard, sad death and then you’re dead,” omitting the death as a new beginning part. (Mary gets it though: “We’re alive, they’re dead. This is your time, Ellen. Because if not now, when?”) Sure, Ed’s enjoying himself with the crew and cleaning up his space a bit (progress!) but he’s still entranced by this belief that he can just sever the parts of himself he doesn’t want to deal with right now, going so far as to demand, “Why are we even being pirates?” when Buttons reveals his, uh…. talent of making tonal noises. It’s cute from the perspective of him encouraging the rest of the crew to express themselves (I wish we could have gotten that talent show), but Ed is playing the avoidance game like nobody’s business. He knows he’s not going to give up the pirate life completely, to instead dress in a silk robe all day and perform for others. That’s only a small part of who he is. Izzy says that becoming Edward is a "fate worse than death” and technically he’s kind of right… just for the totally wrong reasons. There’s nothing shameful in Ed sharing his poetry, or dressing in nice clothes, or changing his name, etc. but it’s unhealthy to deny all the other parts of himself, as Ed is attempting to do here. Izzy might tell Edward to “watch his fucking step,” but that’s not what seems to turn him into the Kraken. We don’t end that scene on Izzy’s threat, or the picture from Stede’s book. Rather, we end on the crew above deck, calling for another song and chanting the name “Edward” over and over and over again.

They want Edward, Izzy wants Blackbeard, and Ed is left trying to kill one and then the other, swinging wildly between two extremes. The Kraken won’t be able to sustain itself because Ed isn’t truly that cruel on a day-to-day basis, but neither can Edward sustain himself because Ed also isn’t a #softboy who just wants to sing on a day-to-day basis either. Ed’s attempts to become someone like Stede—dressing in his robe, lying in his room, having a heart-to-heart with his scribe, even lighting dangerous fires on the ship like a maniac—were always doomed to fail. Not because Ed isn’t allowed the nice things that a wealthy man like Stede represents, but because a lifetime of being Blackbeard—being poor, being a pirate, being bloodthirsty—can’t simply be waved away at will. Ed needs to face those parts of himself, incorporating them into the whole of who he is, like Stede faced his family and has now returned to sea as someone who is not ignoring his aristocratic upbringing, but rather choosing to prioritize other things like love over it instead.

Class, then, is something the characters can’t escape. Even the absence of Stede’s wealth and title will be something for season two to grapple with. As Olu reminds Stede, they don’t act with violence because they want to, but because they have to. What will the crew do now that Stede’s wealth can no longer support their wages, circling right back around to, “If you don’t steal, you don’t eat”? How will Ed nurture the softer parts of himself now that all symbols of wealth have been tossed overboard and Stede has nothing else to offer? The presentation of masculinity displayed by Izzy and Blackbeard is, in many respects, a direct result of not being born a Stede Bonnet. If you’re not born fortunate, you toughen up to the point where you can forcibly take whatever you need.

Or you die.

What other option is there? Well, the whole story is an answer to that question, starting with how Stede approaches the concept of piracy as a whole and, eventually, what he and Ed are able to offer one another, beyond the trappings of wealth, or the knowledge imparted by a fearsome legend.

Stede: “Ed?”

Ed: “Better alive than dead!”

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The Feminine Urge to Reject Toxic Masculinity

Early in the Pilot, Stede describes pirating as a “cycle of abuse” to Lucius. Or, to put that another way, the wealthy aristocrat who went to sea a few weeks ago describes piracy to the actual pirate. It’s easy to read this as simply a joke in-and-of itself, especially when OFMD makes similar jokes elsewhere. Stede describing piracy to a pirate may generate a “Uh huh, sure” reaction similar to him explaining what “tapas” means to Geraldo (“Yeah, I know about tapas”). As mentioned above, Olu even points out how cavalier he’s taking this, “Me and Jim, we don’t do this because we like it, we do it because we have no other choice.” The implication is that anyone who did have another choice, like a wealthy landowner, would never stick around. Therefore, it’s inevitable that if Stede doesn’t die, he’ll eventually grow bored of the presumed game he’s playing and leave this difficult life behind. It’s a sentiment that’s echoed at the very end of the season when Ed sails away from the rest of the crew on the island saying, “Farewell, Bonnet’s playthings.” (Note that this is the only time when Ed calls Stede “Bonnet.” He’s trying to create distance between them, a far cry from initially introducing himself with the personal, intimate “Ed.”) Basically, all Ed knows is that Stede stood him up on that dock. He doesn’t know about Badminton’s threat, his death, or even Stede’s horrible guilt over leaving his family. I believe he only mentions them once to Ed in passing, right before they both hit on the lighthouse scheme. So, which seems more likely? That Stede underwent a traumatic experience during the few hours Ed was gone and finally tried to make amends for a mistake Ed isn’t privy to, succumbing to the pressure of performing masculinity “correctly” by returning to be a husband and a father, all of it influenced by the fact that he hasn’t fully realized he’s in love with a man yet … or that Stede simply decided he’s done playing pirate? Ed’s heartfelt plea to run away to China put a bit of a damper on his fun, so playtime is over. It’s back to his fine things and his finer company. Goodbye, toys that Stede Bonnet played with. You and I were both fooled.

So, there’s this pervasive question of why Stede is here. Is it simply due to a naive, child-like desire for adventure, or does he legitimately want to be a pirate, despite how absurd that seems to those who can’t escape the life? Well, it’s both. Stede isn’t so altruistic (or even wise) to have approached this endeavor purely to help a bunch of pirate strangers, but nor is he so callous and fickle that he’d build a ship and leave his family without intending to make something of that decision. Stede does desperately want to be a pirate, but what that really translates into is him wanting to be himself, with piracy as a concept representing freedom (“He’s free,” Mary says, as Stede is shown walking back into the sea). For all his fun pretending to be Blackbeard for a day, at no point does Stede change himself beyond his wardrobe because he’s never liked the blood and violence and intimidation that being Blackbeard would require (and, of course, Ed has conflicted feelings about it too). He wants Stede Bonnet—flower picking, cashmere-loving, marmalade hoarding middle-aged man—to be able to be a pirate, which requires changing the profession, rather than changing to fit the profession instead. Of course, it takes Stede a couple of episodes to come to terms with that, given that he initially tries to play the part of a violence-loving, “I [killed him]. On purpose” fighter but, obviously, fails rather spectacularly at it. We might examine the potential metaphor of Stede trying to push his ship back into the water through pure stubbornness alone. It’s not gonna move, Stede. You’re not suddenly going to become a traditional badass just because you’re putting effort behind it (though I maintain that Stede is a badass in numerous other ways). At some point you’ve got to step back, stop trying to move the immovable object, and start talking your identity through with the imagined ghost instead.

So, once he overcomes the initial shock of having (accidentally) killed a man and had a quick therapy session with the village elder, Stede begins to approach his new life with the intent to make the world accept him for the pirate he wants to be. He will be a Gentleman Pirate, killing only with kindness, daring to want parts of both worlds: “I may be landed gentry, but I’m thrilled to be granted entry!”

Because Stede is right. Despite being the outsider here, Stede recognizes the same problems that plague his own aristocratic society, namely the idea that “real men” are defined largely by their capacity for violence (be it of the literal physical variety—his father—or through passive aggression—the party goers). By the end of those first couple weeks, he’s likewise realized that much of that violence, and the ensuing ways in which it’s upheld as a romanticized act worth emulating, come about simply because no one has said, “Hey, you don’t have to do that.” Stede becomes that person. “If I can help this crew grow as people,” he says, “then I will have succeeded in being a pirate captain.” That’s the world Stede wants to live in. Despite being enamored with traditional piracy, that interest seems to stem primarily from what he’s been taught he should like, not what he actually craves, with the added acknowledgment that a life of danger and adventure is simply exciting. Basically, a part of Stede only wants to be Blackbeard because he’s spent 40-odd years having toxic masculinity beat into his head, but when given the space—literally via his own ship—to ask himself, “What kind of pirate do I want to be?” his answer is a very firm “One who helps his crew” not “One who terrorizes people, loots vessels of valuables that would be missed, etc.” Stede says explicitly that for him, success in pirate captaining equals helping his crew to grow and then he sets out to make that a reality. As captain, Stede is in a position of authority over the others—even if it’s a very tenuous authority that nearly leads to mutiny—so when he says, “This is okay” the crew is inclined to listen, even as they’re simultaneously upholding those performative criticisms of him among themselves, because it wouldn’t do to become too accepting of these changes too fast.

There is a range though. Some of the crew waver back and forth a bit (Wee John). Some already have other, complicated presentations on their mind (Jim). Contrasting Lucius’ support that grows over several episodes, I think it speaks volumes that Buttons is the most deferential to Stede at the very start, the closest thing we see to a First Mate on board. “On your feet for your captain!” he screams while the others plan mutiny and, of course, he’s the one to tell Stede about the mutiny itself. He is, basically, the weirdest person on board. Among a group already made up of outsiders, Buttons is arguably the one on the outsider’s outskirts. Frenchie might believe that cats are demons and Roach is a little too into torture, but those exaggerations of classic pirate characteristics (superstition, violence) can’t hold a candle to speaking seagull, moon bathing, and having a “fight or bite” response. Buttons is odd… and so is Stede. Like recognizes like. The conversation between them regarding the mutiny strikes me more as Buttons speaking what he thinks is an inevitable truth, rather than encouraging Stede to permanently change. Basically, he suggests that Stede use an “iron fist” because that’s what everyone else does—and thus far Stede’s efforts aren’t producing the best results—not because that’s something either of them actually want. Buttons is fully on board with a new kind of pirate captain because he’s already a different kind of pirate. Meanwhile, others in the group—those we might think of as more “normal”—need to warm up to the kind of diversity that Stede represents.

Black Pete is the most obvious example of this. He starts the series being quite vocal about what is and is not appropriate for a pirate. Or, to put that more generally, what’s appropriate for a man, given that this is the gender makeup of the crew prior to Jim coming out. They should be killing people, not playing cards! Only sissies get paid wages! Sewing is women’s work! All of this is not pirating. You know who’s a real pirate, a real man? Blackbeard, not this guy in fancy clothes trying to get us to talk about our feelings. Though it’s not taken as far and nor does it last as long, early Pete is basically a version of Izzy, acting as the Traditionally Masculine Voice who sneers at the others who enjoy listening to bedtime stories, or designing pretty flags. We even get a direct parallel between Pete complaining about having to make use of Stede’s wardrobe to trick Badminton’s crew— “making us dress up like a bunch of fancy boys”—and Izzy trying to demean Ed for wearing Stede’s robe: “Not some namby-pamby in a silk gown pining for his boyfriend.” Both consider fine clothes to be emasculating and equate the wearing of them with homosexuality. However, the difference is that by episode five Pete has very much come around to the Bonnet way of thinking, enjoying Lucius’ company in the pantry and encouraging his (gay) artistic pursuits. Pete demonstrates his growth even as Izzy digs in his heels, trying to use Lucius’ sexual freedom as a form of blackmail. By the end of the season, Pete is eagerly awaiting the talent show in full makeup and costume while Izzy rows back to The Revenge, having successfully ignited a trauma response in Ed that has him sinking deeper into toxic masculinity than ever before. As our antagonist, Izzy is the exception, with the rest of the crew’s growth shown not only in how they support Stede before the British, but in who they choose as captain when planning their second mutiny. At the beginning of the show Pete announces that he’s the obvious choice because he’s Blackbeard’s tough, former sailor, a symbol of masculinity. Duh. If it can’t be Pete than it has to be Jim, the even tougher pirate with the menacing presence and knife skills. Yet after everything between then and the finale, the crew announces that Olu is the only possible choice. Intelligent, caring Olu who’s had the crew’s back this whole time.

Then his first act is to try and throw Izzy overboard, but that’s neither here nor there lol.

Stede is, quite obviously, someone who abhors violence. His flashback isn’t exactly subtle about it, showing him turning away when a bird is beheaded, the blood splattering across his face and neck. This is a “man’s work,” bloody and deadly, so if Stede can’t stomach it then, by the logic of society, he must not be a real man. It’s a conclusion that’s repeated by those who are able to meet society’s expectations, such as when Badminton’s sailor announces that there’s a “heavy-set woman in a silk dressing gown” on Stede’s ship, right before we get a phallic insinuation as Badminton rejects the tiny spyglass as well as the slightly bigger spyglass, before finally pulling out his stupidly massive spyglass to see Stede for himself. He’s the big dick to Stede’s supposed woman, with femininity presented as the clear lesser whenever the story is filtered through the eyes of those who represent the status quo.

However, it’s not simply that Stede looks nauseous at the sight of blood, or likes to pick flowers, or any of the other, more obvious ways in which he challenges traditional masculinity. A theme that resonated strongly with me is the connection among queerness, leisure, and a presumed lack of functionality. Basically, much of Stede’s outsider status is conveyed through his love of fine things purely because fine things exist, not because they’re achieving something practical. Izzy considers the library a "perverse misuse of space” (and ain’t “perverse” a loaded term coming out of his mouth…). Badminton thinks it’s “ridiculous.” The two characters who do the most to uphold traditional masculinity without questioning it—as Ed does: “Incredible”—believe that having a collection of books you love at sea purely because you love them is inherently absurd. Stede’s not even getting any new knowledge out of them because he’s read them all! The space should be used for something practical, obviously.

Beyond the books, Stede’s cabin is a direct challenge to the masculine standard, with that contrast made all the more evident when we see Ed’s space on the Queen Anne’s Revenge. A lot of the difference comes down to lighting. Ed’s room is all shadows with the exception of a single light-beam that illuminates him, whereas Stede’s cabin is lit so that every detail is on display in all its wealthy, foppish glory. The lighting coincides with assumed temperaments too— Ed at this point is still Blackbeard, the ruthless killer; Stede is the affable Golden Retriever looking to “kill with kindness”—as well as emotional stability—Ed is in a deep depression that has pushed him to chase anything remotely interesting; Stede, while struggling to be a “real” pirate, is nevertheless still achieving his life-long dream—but beyond all that, Ed’s space is far more practical than Stede’s. It’s smaller, for one, and the furniture is built for functionality, not leisure. There are two chairs, but both are placed behind Ed’s desk, ensuring that anyone who enters the room is separated from him. The design requires that those like Izzy stand to deliver their reports because they’re here in a professional capacity, not for a personal visit. Compare that to Stede’s dual facing couches surrounded by the library, an addition that encourages others to take their time, hang out for a bit, and bond with him over (he hopes) a shared interest.

Ed does have a number of knickknacks he’s collected over the years—and we can compare that to the spartan room that the Kraken works from at the end of the season; a version of Ed that denies himself even the simplest joys—but they’re all objects that reflect how fearsome Blackbeard supposedly is: a skull, a skin, a pufferfish with its spikes extended. The rest of it is indeed practical for a pirate (rolled up maps, a dagger), or simply isn’t taken care of. There are no fine, gauzy curtains here. Ed has a painting, but it’s propped on the floor instead of hanging on a wall. Like Stede, he has a chandelier, but it’s on his desk rather than hanging from the ceiling. Everything is placed slightly crooked, or misused, appears dirty, damaged, forgotten, there are cobwebs in the corner and dust hanging in the air. The mise en scène tells us that proper pirates equate functionality with discomfort. It’s not just that Stede has a library, or fancy fainting couches. By equating his captaincy with a clean, luxurious room built more for comfort than intimidation, Stede allows his personality to extend past the point of his own person. Stede doesn’t merely say, “I’m a pirate who likes wearing pretty robes and keeping his nails clean,” he physically changes the world around him to reflect his self-expression, challenging those masculine norms in the process. A pirate’s inner sanctum can be beautiful. A pirate’s crew can express themselves through music and crafts. A pirate’s itinerary can include dressing up to go to fancy parties. This concept of leisure—doing things simply because they bring you joy; obtaining objects simply because they’re beautiful and displaying them as such—is something that Ed very much craves, a contrast to the masculine productivity of, “And then what? Then we fսcking execute the plan, then we get another plan, then what do we do? We execute that, and so on, and so on, and again, and again, and again, and again. It’s all so fսcking boring!”

Alongside the beauty of physical objects, we also have a strong connection between this newfound community—the emotional intimacy that men are usually denied—and one of the most beloved forms of luxury: excess food. I love that the scurvy crisis comes about specifically because Stede had Roach make them a cake requiring forty oranges. It’s about the decadence and, in turn, the joy of sharing that with others. The fandom has already latched onto the imagery of the orange as a form of nourishment, specifically in regards to Jim and Olu’s relationship, but that extends outwards to Ed and Stede as well. Jim’s home, a space saturated with love, but filtered through the intensity of revenge, is the only place in St Augustine that has escaped the blight, resulting in sacks worth of ripe, beautiful oranges. Yet Jim leads Olu to a dead tree and it’s only when Stede starts digging, spurred on by his desire to have a fun outing with Ed, that he discovers one orange left. Sure, it’s petrified, but as Jim says, the “old tree still had some fruit to give after all.” Stede offers them the orange and the humor of him not really wanting to give it up aside, Jim doesn’t need it. They have their nana and Olu right there, to say nothing of how the oranges are connected to the trauma of Jim losing the rest of their family. Jim’s memory of the event begins with the gang leader biting viciously and messily into an orange, right before killing their father. With an image like that, it’s no wonder that they might prefer to build different memories with Olu, rather than continuing on with oranges. Their tree having one left for a friend is enough.

So instead, it’s Stede who needs to take the orange home where it’s split in half by Alma, one portion going to his family while the other travels with him to find Ed again. It’s an act that means all the more after her shout of, "I don’t want your old food!” at the breakfast table. Upon reflection she does. Not because a petrified orange is actually a cool treasure (though I admit the geo-like inside looked nice) but because, however silly, this will be a tether to her father after he’s left again. It’s also a tether between Stede and Ed. “How was your day, Edward?” Stede asks the orange, giving it a toast when the rest of the family is absent from dinner, uninterested in spending time with him.

Stede needn’t be a traditional father at home with the kids, he can be his own brand of father traveling the seas with his crew. Stede needn’t be a traditional husband at home with a wife, he can be his own brand of husband to another man. Food bridges the gap, challenges the norm, and there’s simply something wonderful in taking the formerly decadent fruit and turning it into a petrified “rock”—the decadent aristocrat likewise turning into a pirate with just the clothes on his back. Both versions, however, offer something to others, be it delicious food, a paperweight, a cure for scurvy, a symbol of the past, hope for the future, a reminder of your father, or your love.

The next episode it’s over lunch that we all realize “this is happening,” Ed and Stede grilling up a surprisingly good snake while chatting about the Bar & Grill they’d attend together. They nourish their relationship as they nourish their bodies, once again combining their unique skill-sets. Ed is good at flinging a snake off him and viciously stabbing it to death? Stede is good at turning that into a tasty meal, complete with banana leaf plates and a tender moment where he picks a bit out of Ed’s beard. And though they’re small, the season has numerous other references to food that reflect the cast’s growing acceptance of diverse identities. Black Pete moves from sarcastically asking whether they should bake their captives a pie to becoming the most eager to lead this orange expedition. Stede and Pete’s internalized racism is shown through assuming that the tribe members are cooking those captives, but no, it’s just a tasty looking pig (or whatever that was). Stede offers a delicious breakfast to both Ed and Calico Jack when he’s determined that the three of them get along— Doug does the same for Mary after his talk with Stede—yet when Jack’s cruelty is revealed, when he insists upon the classic, masculine performance of violence and drink, he and Ed are reduced to whipping for fish in the water, then having more rum, despite how it’s just too early for that. “Well, well, well, look who’s eating seaweed,” Stede says, laughing at their plight.

It’s when Stede is missing from the aristocrats’ table that everything starts falling apart for Ed. It’s when most of the crew is having lunch together that Jim gets to come out as, well, Jim. As expected, it’s Izzy who stands in contrast to this norm. He’s the one who demands that everyone get back to work because real pirates don’t eat unless he says so (compare that to Stede waking Ed up for marmalade) and when Izzy is freely offered food it, uh… doesn’t go well. Of course that sandwich bounces off his head when Roach throws it to him. Izzy hasn’t accepted the community aspect that would allow him to catch it, as per the rules of this new genre he lives in. He’s still viewing everything from the perspective of the gritty action-drama where food is scarce, withheld, or unappetizing, and the only way to handle a guy like Izzy who’s offered good food anyway is to make him the butt of the joke. OFMD has this strong connection between food and family, but that reads differently when we consider that the backdrop of pirate society, where Izzy and Blackbeard hail from, is still largely governed by the “if you don’t steal, you don’t eat” rule. Basic needs like finding nourishment are tied up in that toxic cycle of abuse—the reason why so many good people like Olu inevitably succumb to it—so by offering his crew food, Stede offers them other life options as well. More than that, the excess he offers is a reassurance. The forty-orange cake says, “You’re safe here. You have a family to take care of you. You don’t need to fight and kill and struggle anymore, working so hard to uphold the masculine ideal—not unless you want to. Feel free to take up some craft projects instead.” OFMD is about love, family, community, the ties that bind. Whether that’s expressed through food or something else, the story makes it clear that isolation, another symbol of toxic masculinity, is never something these characters benefit from. Whether it’s Stede appearing quite small on his ship the first time he leaves.

(Which contrasts with the closeup we get in the finale, followed by Stede finding his crew before the credits roll.)

Ed waiting alone on the dock.

Izzy rowing away from The Revenge.

Ed, no longer vibing with Calico Jack, doing the same.

Or Jim standing in their field.

The medium to long shots, combined with wide shots, make them all appear vulnerable, too small to handle the world on their own. It’s no surprise then that Stede immediately finds himself a crew, Ed rows back to The Revenge, Izzy heads to Spanish Jackie’s for new allies, Ed dives in the water to return to Stede, and Olu is already right behind Jim, having tracked them down despite his tendency to get lost. Off the top of my head, the one time such a shot conveys contentment is Mary waking up alone in bed, months after Stede has left.

(Compared, of course, to this:)

But as we quickly see, she’s not isolated. She’s playing with her kids, dating Doug, and hosting a widows’ support meeting. Mary is more embedded in the community than she ever was while married to Stede, regardless of whether anyone is currently sharing her bed. I don’t even need to theorize that because she says it explicitly: “the most unexpected gift has been community.” Here, the leisure of stretching alone in bed is aligned with the unconventional—but very happy— family of a widow, secret boyfriend, somewhat murderous BFFs, and two kids with a pirate father somewhere out at sea. When Mary and Stede have reconciled, we’re shown both him and Doug at her bedside, this dynamic no more conventional than what Mary had before. Embracing what they want as opposed to what is expected of them as per the gendered rules of society has led to stronger ties and, as a result, far more happiness than they ever had while playing the part of appropriately masculine husband and faithful wife.

Of course, the ultimate example of leisure as a means of challenging social norms is Stede teaching Ed about the concept of retirement: giving up work entirely for a life of kicking back. Or, more accurately, giving up required work for a life where you pick and choose what and how much you’d like to do each day. Basically, what they had going on The Revenge before Izzy threw a wrench in those plans. The show makes it very clear that this ignorance is a result of pirate culture as a whole (the cycle of abuse); it’s not specific to Ed alone. He doesn’t know about retirement, but Izzy thinks the only retirement available to them is death and everyone else doesn’t even know what a vacation is. They equate downtime with torture and blowing things up, worrying that there’s a way to do vacation wrong. What will the punishment be? Stede starts out small by introducing the concept of solving problems without violence (what if you shared that fabric instead of throwing a punch over it?) and, as those ideas take root, he expands them outward to encompass more and more of their lives. What if our entire motto was “Talk it through, as a crew”? What if my brand was built on kindness? What if we really did retire and damn everyone who says a pirate can’t? Much of what OFMD is built on stems from a quick, almost throw-away conversation between Ivan and Fang:

Fang: “I hate it when he does that [Izzy pulling his beard]. It really hurts.”

Ivan: “Why don’t you say something about it?”

Fang: “What’s the point?”

If even Blackbeard’s crew, the toughest of the tough (the ones with the most power in their society, but it’s a power based on meeting masculine expectations), thinks that challenging these norms is a useless endeavor, what does that say about everyone else? Stede has entered a world that wants the kind of kindness he’s offering; the characters verbally, explicitly express that they want to exit the cycle of abuse, but they don’t think it’s possible. Stede’s willingness to simply be himself, from libraries on vessels, to forty-orange cakes, tells everyone else that yes, this is possible. Here’s living, breathing proof, with the “living” part being particularly important. Remember, Olu and Lucius were originally convinced that sure, Captain is great, but he won’t last. There’s no way he could in this business. Stede’s continued survival represents that change in genre; a move from the gritty action show where you have to continue the cycle in order to survive, to the rom-com where sure, there’s danger, but you can also stab as a form of flirting, or take a header against the ship’s side and it’s fine. The combination of Stede being himself, surviving this long, and rewarding others for their own, small displays of kindness—“You’re a good man, Ed”—is what allows other characters to follow in his footsteps, to the point where they can suddenly imagine a life of leisure free from both toxic masculinity and the abusive cycle it’s bound up in—this “retirement.” Stede is badass because he sets the example for a better future. He’s “original.”

However, it’s important to point out that Stede is a white man enacting these changes among a diverse cast and we should all absolutely be interrogating the intersection of gender presentation with race. I’m only going to touch on this briefly because I myself am white and know just enough about the conversation to try and strike a balance between speaking up without speaking over. There are others in the fandom who have done, and will no doubt continue to do, that work instead. Suffice to say, OFMD puts many people of color at the forefront of the narrative—in terms of development and romantic relationships—while also taking a less than subtle stance against racism. There’s no “[gasp!] How could you think that?” reaction like there is to Black Pete describing sewing as “women’s work,” but it’s not like OFMD let’s bigotry slide. Whether it’s Jim stabbing a man for screaming at the “savages” serving lunch—“Enough interruptions, slave!”— or the subplot of Olu and Frenchie helping the servants to escape with all the aristocrats’ investments, displays of masculine bonds are intimately tied up in how the non-white characters are perceived by the rest of the world.

Actually, to throw out just one moment I enjoyed, let’s talk real quick about the entirety of the party’s destruction coming about thanks to Frenchie, Olu, and the other servants’ knowledge. Stede might be the white man whose skin color and bearing allows him to trick the nobles into his game, but it’s entirely the others’ information that does the actual work. In the end, even the secrets gathered from the servants (a child out of wedlock, debt, married siblings) aren’t enough to bring the aristocrats to their knees. That honor goes to Olu and Frenchie whose “pyramid scheme” (lol) results in everyone attacking one another, which in turn leads to the ship going up in flames. Though the story doesn’t draw a direct connection between the two scenes, I personally read this as an important moment for Stede post-the meal with Badminton. It didn’t escape my notice that during Badminton’s visit he put Frenchie and Olu in the position of servants. Sure, it makes sense based on Badminton and his crew’s expectations, but when has Stede ever bowed to those? He’s a foppish aristocrat turned pirate with a library on board! Yet still Stede bows to those conventions—those with the darkest skin must play the role of the servant—only to later learn precisely how powerful that role actually is, using it to undermine and reject the very society he tried to emulate four episodes before.

Okay, this time I’m done 👍‍

To summarize, if you’d like a visual representation of all this growth, consider the humble plant:

Stede steals the foliage while attempting to function as a traditional pirate—a “real man”—would, by boarding and looting a vessel under threat of violence. It doesn’t matter that the vessel is a rickety fishing boat, that the boarding went horribly, that Stede’s violence is nearly nonexistent, or even that he considers the plant to be loot at all. The point isn’t how well Stede executes these expectations, only that he’s trying to uphold them. So, he gets a nearly dead plant for his trouble but then, under the care and support of his crew throughout the season, it blossoms! He is the plant. The plant is the crew. People (and foliage) can only thrive in the kind of environment that exists near the end of the season, not where we started out. The fact that the plant reappears, looking quite healthy, when the crew is insisting that Stede is indeed a real pirate to the British is certainly no coincidence. The toxic masculinity of Stede’s original pirating attempts can’t help anything grow. The Gentleman Pirate though? He helps things flourish and that is as much real piracy, a better piracy, than any of them have seen before.

As a final note for this section, something I’m hoping for in season two—or later, depending on the story’s pacing and how many seasons we can expect total—is for Stede to change the name of his ship. After all, The Revenge is a little too fitting, in that it embodies the exact sort of harmful behavior that everyone is working to leave behind. Lots of characters seek revenge in OFMD, but none of them come out the better for it. Jim is forced into the life and it’s a miracle they came out as “well adjusted” as they did. They make it clear that they never truly wanted to go after those men, they want to stay on the ship with Olu, and it’s a credit to both their character and the themes of OFMD that they’ve already returned. Jackie seeks revenge on Jim for the death of her husband, but when push comes to shove, they’d rather take the guy out of the picture and help one another instead. Badminton is after revenge for his brother— an example that shows how easily revenge can become twisted. After all, he doesn’t know or even care that it was mostly an accident—and in the end he takes things too far, to the point where his own men turn on him because no, killing Stede is not the right action, not when he’s asked for grace. We even get an episode titled “The Best Revenge is Dressing Well” in which Ed attempts to achieve a kind of social revenge against the captive who insulted him, as well as the community he represents. Ed succeeds in a way, the party ruined and the ship on fire, but that’s only through the assistance of Stede, a man who was always a part of those circles, wielding a weapon— passive aggression—that is uniquely suited to these people. Ed comes out of the encounter feeling vindicated, but still shamed. Most notably though, Izzy seeks revenge on Stede for acting as the catalyst that changes his captain, but what does that get him? The crew’s dismissal, exile from the ship, a plot that results in Ed punching him, nearly thrown overboard… Sure, you could technically argue that he wins in the end by reverting Ed back to Blackbeard, but the audience is well aware that this so-called victory isn’t healthy for either of them and, under the rules of the rom-com, it’s inevitably temporary. It’s only a success in Izzy’s warped, short-term perspective and, as I’ll argue later, I’m not at all convinced he truly wants this.

Revenge is a part of the cycle of abuse. It results in kids like Jim losing their childhood and people like Izzy losing everything due to an obsession with hanging onto the past. The Revenge is an excellent ship name for a wannabe pirate who’s still just a little too naive about what the life is actually like, or for a crew that’s still immersed in the consequences of revenge, both their own and others’. But now, most of the crew is breaking away from that, OFMD has shown in a mere ten episodes how damaging revenge really is, how irrevocably tied up in toxic masculinity, and Stede, as their captain, has been one of the biggest proponents of forgiveness. He immediately sets Ed’s attempted murder aside in the name of their friendship. He does the same for Mary, forgiving her for the skewer, the infidelity, and in turn being forgiven for abandoning the family and refusing to meet her halfway. I hope that when Ed eventually forgives Stede too that the ship— their ship now, as true co-captains—will change to reflect what they’ve come to value in both themselves and one another.

Cheesy and stupid as it sounds (fitting for the show, perhaps?) I’m kind of rooting for The Unicorn. Even if her maidenhead was blown up by the British :(

Really, I loved The Revenge’s maidenhead the moment I saw it, not just for how fitting it is in regards to Stede’s sexuality (he’s not going to put a woman on the bow of the ship), or his personality (he loves all things beautiful and rare), but also because of what it represents in terms of his own existence and, eventually, that of his crew. Stede, simply put, shouldn’t exist. A Gentleman Pirate? A soft, kind, forgiving man surviving on the high seas? It’s an oxymoron that shouldn’t be possible—the exact kind of absurd originality that drew Ed to him in the first place—and yet, here Stede stands. He’s a unicorn, an impossibility that, if it were to exist, everyone would flock to and instinctively love.

More importantly though, this crew deserves to have a ridiculous and totally lame ship name. The Revenge, though important for season one, just isn’t their brand anymore.

━━━━━━━━┛ ✠ ┗━━━━━━━━

BlackBonnet and Balancing Identities

As discussed above, OFMD approaches the dismantling of toxic masculinity with a great deal of nuance. Specifically, it doesn’t say that masculinity itself is inherently bad (it’s not, that’s why we apply the “toxic” label), nor that every way of performing it is automatically a problem within the bounds of that cycle of abuse, nor even that one type of self-expression is ultimately better than another. Rather, the way to approach your identity—both in the show and in real life—is not to swap out one binary presentation for another—the “bad” thing for the “good”—but to be open to any and all aspects that resonate with you. What this results in is a cast who doesn’t just go “Oh, we’re allowed to like traditionally feminine things? Great! Let’s do that instead” but rather integrates such options into the personalities they’ve already built, to a greater or lesser degree depending on the character.

There’s no better example of this then, of course, Ed himself. I’ve seen a couple of takes the past few weeks that reduce Izzy and Calico Jack’s presence in his life to purely negative influences. They force him to adopt a persona he hates; one he’d give up in a heartbeat if it were socially acceptable—something he can presumably do with Stede instead. However, I’d argue that the Blackbeard persona isn’t really a persona at all, but rather just one part of Ed’s complex identity. The problem doesn’t lie in him being Blackbeard, but rather the pressure to only be Blackbeard, 24/7. As he implies when Stede first wakes up from his stab wound, it often feels like he’s working for the Blackbeard reputation, rather than that being an aspect of his identity that he’s proud to introduce himself as. Stede and Ed’s initial introduction of

Stede: “You’ve heard of me?”

Ed: “Oh, I’ve heard all about you.”

is built entirely on both their reputations, with the Blackbeard brand of screaming, smoke, and blood literally surrounding him at that moment. It’s a sharp contrast to their second meeting when Stede wakes up and sees “Ed” tending his bedside, backdropped by art and luxury. Ed has been on Blackbeard’s crew for a long time… arguably too long, with no one allowing him a reprieve to serve any other part of himself. Add onto this the problem of the rest of the world conflating Blackbeard with an exaggerated legend and you begin to understand why he feels the need to cut that part of himself out completely, never-mind the fact that he can’t.

Ed has to contend not only with those who expect him to act as a bloodthirsty pirate at all times— performing traditional masculinity through violence, leadership, repressing emotions, etc.—but also those who have built Blackbeard up in their minds to be far more than he actually is. Where are your nine guns? Where are your red eyes and smoking head? If you once skinned this guy for talking back, why aren’t you doing that to everyone who so much as looks at you funny? That’s an exhausting way to live.

So, we see Ed’s desire for a more balanced identity early on, notably in one of the first scenes where he is not hidden by shadows, or looming dramatically over a semi-conscious Stede. Izzy finds him observing the clouds and wants him to “focus” because seriously, now is not the time to be finding pretty pictures in the sky, not when the Spanish are bearing down on us. What this moment comes down to is miscommunication (with a healthy dose of Ed being a dramatic ass who likes revealing his plans at the last moment). Izzy doesn’t understand how observing the clouds might be useful for their survival and Ed doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to chill for a second, regardless of whether their cloud gazing has a practical application or not: “If you just put some fucking imagination into it… it’s like pulling teeth with you sometimes, man.” Izzy continues to be a roadblock to the complexities of Ed’s identity even when they do something as simple as greet the crew. Unlike Izzy who suggests “the usual” of making them repair the ship and then executing them, or Fang who hits Black Pete pretty much on instinct, this time Ed doesn’t want to start a relationship with violence and fear. He discourages Fang from hurting them further—"No need to brutalize our guests,” with “guests” undermining Izzy’s perspective of them as “captives”—he shakes hands with everyone he comes across, tries to keep Roach from addressing him as Sir, and even, in his own pirate-y way, compliments the crew by teasingly drawing attention to their unwashed bodies, the rope many of them wear, and Wee John’s size. Ed is thriving here, essentially code-switching between a group like the Spanish who expect the fearsome Blackbeard, and the crew of the fascinating Stede Bonnet who deserve the far more amenable Ed. Frankly, everything is going great until Izzy interrupts Frenchie’s question with a shout for everyone to get back to work because Blackbeard is busy. He doesn’t have time for chatting. He wouldn’t want that, surely, and Izzy’s cry causes Fang to hit Pete again, hissing afterwards. As his First Mate, others take their cue from Izzy about how to act around their captain. Obviously, he’d want to keep things as they’ve always been… right?

Yet Ed’s expression says it all.

What Ed is looking for is someone who will allow him to be all aspects of himself, simultaneously, the scarily brilliant Blackbeard who divines the skies to avoid his enemies and the imaginatively inclined Ed who sees not just sausages, but specifically frankfurters on the horizon; the fearsome Blackbeard who takes out a Spanish vessel with blood and screams, and the charming Ed who bonds with the captives he rescued. Unlike with Izzy, this balance is something Stede actively encourages. This is not the story of a rugged, unsophisticated pirate getting a My Fair Lady treatment, it’s the story of that alongside the “lady” learning how to toughen up and engage in adventure. The pact Stede and Ed make to teach one another their respective skills allows Ed to explore the cashmere-loving side of himself without giving up the aspects of Blackbeard that he still enjoys. It strikes me that Ed is at his most traditionally feminine only when he’s grieving the loss of Stede—otherwise just leaning towards a pirate who likes fancy teacups and bedtime stories—with these scenes deliberately mirroring a girl’s classic breakup routine of lounging around, eating their feelings away, writing bad poetry, getting support from the BFF, and finding solace among a larger group. Basically, it’s a time when the character is going through an extreme, not a reflection of their preferred, ideal state. Though Ed lost the symbol of his masculinity an episode earlier, his beard, I wouldn’t have been shocked at the loss of his hair too: that iconic moment when the dumped party takes scissors to their hair, crying in front of the bathroom mirror as they give themselves a new do to represent their new life.

Of course, Ed still gets a makeover. Given the attention paid to costuming in OFMD, I think it’s worth acknowledging that, stylistically, it’s only in Stede’s company on The Revenge that Blackbeard and Ed co-exist, so to speak. We already know that being Blackbeard 24/7 isn’t working for him. Then, Ed may be supremely eager to attend the party in episode five, but the act of dressing him as an aristocrat backfires: he realizes that he can’t sustain—and ultimately doesn’t really want—the acceptance of such callous, fickle people. “High society in all its grotesque glory,” Stede says and it is quite grotesque. Even before we get to the disastrous dinner, or see how men of color are treated by the aristocracy, the imagery builds a sense of discomfort with the badly applied makeup (note that Stede forgoes powdering his face, making him appear much more approachable) and the harsh, Dutch angles the party goers are introduced with. This isn’t a space of sophistication, more like a deranged funhouse where the clowns attack with words. Ed is ultimately not comfortable in Jeff’s purple outfit because, like being Blackbeard all the time, it requires him to play a specific part indefinitely, one he’s unable to sustain even if he wanted to.

So, Jeff the accountant decked out in bows isn’t a persona Ed can maintain for long. Then in episode ten, Edward appears to be doing alright under the crew’s care, dressed in Stede’s floral robe, his beard gone, at his most traditionally feminine as he sings some of his poetry, but I think the ease with which Izzy and the insistent call of “Edward!” was able to push him into becoming the Kraken, visually Edward’s opposite

speaks to how completely burying that side of himself won’t work either. We literally see that on screen: Ed lasts a few days before he skews hard in the opposite direction, throwing Lucius overboard and forcing Izzy to eat his own toe. The man dressed in that robe is one consumed by grief, not revealing their “real” inner self. Even if Ed hadn’t become the Kraken, I can’t imagine him giving up on pirating entirely. Captaining, raiding, threatening people, setting up death battles between crabs and turtles… Ed likes all of that. “But… this is who I am. This is me.” This line is delivered to Stede as he challenges who Ed is in Jack’s presence and though Ed is wrong that violence is all he’s good for, that lifestyle is a part of him—one that Stede very much wants to be a part of. This is a man who, even in the comfort of Stede’s ship and dressed in Stede’s clothes, is getting a kick out of supposedly life-or-death situations. You’d better decide what we’re doing next, “Blackbeard,” because Lucius is counting down and the Spanish are nearly upon us. You’d better run me through with your sword because otherwise I’m going to shoot you, look, the pistol is cocked, I’m counting down again, do it, do it, do it! Ed thrives on adventure and at least a bit of manufactured danger. He’d never be content settling for poetry and musical numbers alone. As he admits to Stede when he thinks he should leave The Revenge soon, he’s really not made for sitting idle. Idleness (luxury and rest) are important parts of life that he’s learning to embrace, but like anyone else Ed can’t do that 24/7, especially not after a lifetime of living as the most adventurous of pirates. It’s the same problem pervading the version of Ed dressed in prisoner’s clothes, insisting that folding things is fine. Great, even. Funny though that he doesn’t look too pleased about it once Stede is gone.

This is something we’ve seen from Ed before: putting on an emotional show to reassure someone else. The last time it was Izzy, gleeful that Ed “still got it” and yeah, Ed looks just as pleased by that pronouncement until he turns around and the smile drops.

What Ed actually says he wants on the beach is to be able to be “Edward” for a while, someone not required to act in all the ways expected of Blackbeard.

“It’s kinda nice just to take a load off. Just to be… Edward. I don’t know if I want to go back to the old days, just drinking all day and biting the heads off turtles and making some poor bloke eat his own toe as a laugh.”

Here, Ed frames being Blackbeard as non-stop violence and drink, an “all day” affair, rather than something that can influence parts of his life and not others. What Ed wants is that variety. What he intends to do though is to ditch Blackbeard entirely… which is why he eventually comes roaring back, forcing the next poor bloke (Izzy) to again eat his own toe. Yeah, we should totally ditch everyone else to go to China. New names, new ship, new backstories, and we’ll run as far as possible and pretend that half our lives simply never happened. That’ll work! /s Obviously, it didn’t. I don’t think it would have even if Stede had shown up at the dock. His own desire to face his past, his family, is evidence of that. Running isn’t going to help Ed, if only because the adoption of these new personalities that try to ignore Blackbeard’s existence inevitably fail. Jeff hears one bit of passive aggression and he’s threatening to kill everyone at the table; Edward has one moment of doubt and wakes up with plans to maroon most of the crew. Ed has, is seems, spent years pretending that The Kraken killed his father, separating that being from himself through language like “the creature” and even “I tried to warn him.” Inevitably though, The Kraken resurfaces at the end of the season because The Kraken is a part of Ed that cannot be ignored, lest it overwhelm him.

Just as Stede attempts to change the pirate profession rather than denying his true self, Ed needs to accept that he’s Blackbeard—always will be—and rather than ignoring that part of himself, change who others think Blackbeard is (he can lead raids and hold tea parties!). As discussed above, he gets the closest to achieving that balance with Stede on the ship and Ed’s costuming reflects that. Outside of his play dress-up, Ed never gives his leather up completely. Rather, he supplements his base personality (Blackbeard’s leather) with all the things he previously thought were unavailable to him. A bright purple shirt while going off treasure hunting, something Blackbeard has never previously done? That’s a bit of Jeff the accountant and Ed, Stede’s almost-boyfriend. Losing his gloves as the season goes on? That’s a bit of Edward, showing his emotional side as he displays touch as a love language. Ed allows himself to partake in fine things while with Stede, drinking from fancy teacups, or cuddling under Stede’s dressing gown, or having his swatch of silk turned into a pocket square. “This is the most open and available I’ve ever seen him” Fang comments as Ed lounges on the deck, telling the story of how he murdered his father, but twisting it into a type of fairy tale. Ed can’t just shuck off Blackbeard like an ill-fitting coat and come up with something entirely new. As the finale showed, that way lies disaster.

In thinking about how Stede allows Ed to embrace all aspects of his identity, it’s important to note that Ed does the same for Stede. It’s not simply that Ed has gone, “Yeah sure, I’ll teach you how to be a proper pirate if you teach me how to be a gentleman,” but that the writing itself goes out of its way to draw attention to unexpected similarities between them, continually emphasizing that both have sides to themselves that they can’t ignore. Ed appears quite uncomfortable when Calico Jack brings up the ship he burned down—with the crew inside—over breakfast with Stede because Stede is a gentleman, someone who Ed fears will be repulsed by his murderous actions. And yes, to an extent he is, with Stede growing frustrated with how Ed acts around Calico Jack, emphasizing that violent nature above everything else… yet just three episodes prior, Stede was also part of a ship burning down, the crew still inside. Sound familiar? No, he didn’t deliberately set the blaze as Ed presumably did, but neither of them did anything to help the nobles either, too busy having their almost-kiss back on The Revenge. “The Best Revenge is Dressing Well” is essentially the Gentleman Pirate’s version of Blackbeard’s cruelty, giving us just one example of how Stede can be as monstrous as Ed can.

Not that OFMD leaves it at just one example, of course. Everyone realizes that Stede is absolutely deranged, right? I mean yes, I enjoy writing Soft Boy Stede as much as the next fic author (or at least I would if I ever finished this project…) but canonically the man is half insane. You know, just like how Izzy describes Blackbeard. They’re not even sporting that big a difference in the type of insanity, if we consider that both have a “I technically never murdered anyone if anything other than my own hands is the cause of death :)” policy going on. (A policy that, hilariously, Mary and her friend don’t have time for. They’ll just justify things after the fact: “Murder is a natural cause!”) Stede might dislike violence as a general policy, but he’s ultimately fine with it happening provided it’s a) justified according to his own morals and b) he doesn’t personally have to get his hands dirty. Ed’s men are tearing into another ship? Note the gusto, Lucius! These men are now very, very dead? Sure, Ivan, help yourself to their teeth. My wife was ready to stab a kebob skewer into my brain? Yeah, fair enough, sometimes you’ve just got to murder a bitch. This man is feral in ways that go far beyond the foolishness of building a fireplace into his ship. Stede’s desire to be a “real” pirate pushes him to chase after the likes of Izzy Hands, or tell an unknown captain to go suck eggs in hell, or agree to inevitably deadly duels, or try to fire on three naval war vessels. Ed is the voice of reason there who tells him to raise a white flag! This man built a ship in secret and left in the dead of night to become an outlaw. Then, somehow, he accumulated a crew that includes:

A cannibal that speaks seagull

God’s most perfect little assassin

Said assassin’s BFF/boyfriend

Blackbeard’s self-professed right-hand man (Stede believes it)

The cook who’s just a little too into dismemberment

A sweetie built like a fucking tank

Whatever the fuck The Swede’s got going on

A guy who thinks the world is full of soul-stealing cats and demons, but who’s happily singing songs about it anyway

And Lucius (who deals psychological damage)

How was anyone surprised when Stede managed to fall for—and woo—the most dangerous pirate to ever sail the seven seas? These two were made for each other.

Plus, even among the comedy, Stede has moments when he’s legitimately, classically badass. He tells Calico Jack to get off his ship, now, and no one is questioning his orders then. (Note that Ed stands back, allowing Stede to steer the conversation.) After a season of looking like a buffoon in fights, Stede slams Doug down on the table and manages a highly convincing, “Unhand me or bleed.” When Stede leaves for the second time he’s in a sensible shirt and pants, his hair more slicked back than curled, and if we didn’t already know what kind of show this was, Stede would come across as a very different protagonist in that moment. He has layers (thanks, Shrek) which include the ability to be just as badass as his pirate boyfriend. Not, like, Stede is a muppet who managed to outwit Izzy via genre-bending shenanigans badass, but proper badass too.

Not all of the similarities between them are quite so, uh… murderous though. “This is Happening”—along with being the first queer confirmation fans were looking for, important enough to become the very title of the episode— is a thirty-minute exploration of Ed and Stede trying to give the other what he needs without realizing that they each already had it. The conflict of the episode begins when Ed thinks he needs to leave The Revenge soon (thinking Stede wants him to leave) and Stede, in turn, thinking he has to manufacture a daring adventure in order to hold Ed’s interest (he doesn’t). Miscommunication at its finest! In fact, Stede is so focused on keeping Ed entertained that he ignores the legitimate crisis of scurvy and, for the first time, really throws his wealth around in an attempt to solve the problem by buying a treasure map, spending “like, more money than I’ve ever seen in my life.” Even the costume design gets in on the action. Stede is usually the most vibrantly dressed out of the whole crew, a contrast to Ed’s all black ensemble. But here, in the episode where Stede makes Ed his sole focus, he’s the one who stands out in a bright purple shirt, flanked by two beige outfits:

Don’t even get me started on how that purple—not exactly a common color in these parts—is also the protective slip for Stede’s shovel, the tool he’s desperate to use to impress Ed. “Uh, well, we didn’t come all this way not to dig something up.”

The joke at the end of the episode is that “treasure is the real treasure”

but beyond the day spent together, or even the orange as a unifying, familial force across generations, the real-real treasure is the development of Ed and Stede’s relationship. (As well as Lucius getting the hot pirate gossip of the decade lol.) Seriously though, sure, the pan down to the map on the ground is meant to eventually show us that it’s caught on fire, but for the first few seconds of the shot the viewer is left to visually connect “This is happening” to the map in general; a guide towards some yet unnamed treasure. They’re the treasure. They might be screwing a lot of it up right now, but amidst a hatred of nature and a fear that no one is interesting enough for Blackbeard, they’ve found this moment of tenderness over a grilled snake, imagining different lives for themselves as a restaurant owner and customer. Set all the elaborate plans aside, just let them sit together, and Stede and Ed are a whole lot more alike than either has yet to realize.

Furthering that point, I particularly like how Lucius has bookended conversations about their personalities. “Is he always this high-strung?” Ed asks him while Stede is hurrying them off to start their treasure hunting adventure. Yeah, he is. Yet later it’s Stede who accuses Ed of being unable to relax, with Lucius backing that up with, “You are kind of intense, like, all the time.” Both Ed and Stede think the other is so different from them because they’ve each spent their lives embodying just one identity—the aristocrat and the bloodthirsty pirate—as well as internalizing the idea that they’re somehow lesser than this counterpart—Ed isn’t sophisticated enough for a gentleman, Stede isn’t cool enough for a real pirate—yet once you get an outside perspective like Lucius’ the reaction is oh… they’re actually really similar. Not just in terms of Ed enjoying fancy parties and Stede enjoying setting assholes ablaze, but in their core personalities as high-strung individuals desperate to impress the other. Ed despises wandering through nature, but puts up with it because Stede wants to look for treasure, but Stede only wants to look for treasure because he thinks he needs an adventure to impress Ed with, but the adventure Ed was already happy with was what we saw at the start of the episode: planning a raid while drinking tea with “a dollop of milk and seven sugars”—the fearsome pirate and lover of fine things existing in tandem. They’re going in circles. If Stede had simply said, “Hey, can I come on the raid?” or if Ed had gone, “Hey, want to raid with me?” then none of this would have happened. But right now, neither is confident enough in the other liking them to offer themselves as they are; to realize that they’re more alike than they are different.

Their similarities, needs, and attraction are only made obvious to the audience, not them, in “This is Happening,” which means that things inevitably get worse in “We Gull Way Back.” We learn later that Calico Jack was sent to retrieve Ed before the British arrived, which means everything he does after stepping foot on The Revenge is in service of that goal. Convincing the others to head to Blind Man’s Cove is a bit of trickery that the show acknowledges, but beyond that we have to consider how Jack manages to get Ed away from the ship first. Basically, he acts like a dick and in doing so reminds Ed of his “true” self: one who is defined solely by violent past-times and self-destructive tendencies. Everything he chooses to do also does double-duty of painting Stede in an unflattering light, further convincing Ed that they’re too different to maintain this relationship (whatever it currently is). They’re having fun blowing things up, but then here comes Stede making them feel guilty about the antique that’s been in his family for generations. They’re enjoying “whipies” and then Stede Bonnet ruins the mood, grimacing at the injuries they’ve sustained. Why would you want to hang out with such a killjoy, Blackie? Things come to a head when Jack confronts Stede about his relationship with Ed, not only throwing the sexual aspect in his face—What? You’re not buggering? Well huh, I had that with him…—but also verbalizing the worry they’ve both been internalizing: “We’ve got a lot in common, me and him. In a lot of ways, we’re the same man.” AKA, you’re too different to ever have that kind of bond, so just stop trying. Notably, this manipulation doesn’t actually work on Stede. He holds his ground, saying that perhaps Ed is no longer the Blackie he knew, but the conversation still upsets him enough that he heads back to the ship. This gives Jack the perfect opportunity to play the good friend to Stede’s (supposed) tantrum about their coconut war. “C'mon, Stede!” he yells. “Don’t leave!” Jack ensures that when Ed is there, he plays the part of the insecure buddy who’s trying so hard to connect with Stede… and there Stede goes, not even giving the coconut war a chance. Of course, Ed has no idea Jack tore into Stede like that (and pissed on his boots) so Stede’s response reads like he can’t accept any of the violent, pirate-y things that Ed likes, let alone any of Ed’s old mates. It’s exactly as Jack planned. By the time he’s asking who’s going to leave with him, Ed is convinced Stede doesn’t want anything to do with that part of his identity. A part that, as established, it’s not healthy to ignore. “You were always gonna realize what I am.”

It’s clear how Jack is working to alienate Stede from Ed, but I think it’s important to note that it doesn’t work quite as well as he might have assumed it would—and I don’t just mean during the bathroom conversation. Basically, it’s real important to Stede and Ed’s relationship that Stede is supportive of Ed’s time with Jack, even if he doesn’t really like the kind of stuff they’re doing. It’s the extreme, pirate version of going, "I can’t stand horror movies, babe, but you go enjoy that marathon. Hope there’s lots of gore!” Granted, Ed repeats twice that Jack has saved his life, perhaps implying then that he feels he owes Jack the version of Blackie he remembers (parallels to Izzy, anyone?) and in “This Is Happening” Ed grudgingly admits that the moth Stede found is actually pretty cool. So, it may well be that without Jack’s influence, or the debts in their past, Ed would be less inclined towards choosing turtle-crab death battles over every other possible activity, especially when he’s got a lover of animals as a part of the group.

Still, what Ed actually wants aside, it’s important that Stede still tries to accommodate that part of him. When Ed asks him to give Jack a chance Stede does, even though at that point he has good reason to dislike him, reasons that go beyond simply taking up Ed’s attention and bringing out a side of him that Stede is iffy about. He weathers the criticism of his crew when they tear into him for making Jack cry—“Well, it was a pretty bitchy question”—the same way that Stede weathers the aristocrats finding Ed more interesting than him: “Do you never cease with your insistent nattering? We are trying to hear Jeff!” and the rather blunt “You’re just sore that they like me more than you.” Stede is someone who’s never the center of the conversation (not until he heads home and impresses the other bored gentlemen), but he’s also someone empathetic enough not to blame others for that. He doesn’t begrudge Ed his fun, just goes off to find Olu and Frenchie (who, uh, don’t want to see him either…) and here Stede is likewise accepting of Jack and Ed’s popularity. He only snidely questions Jack because Jack insulted him first with a comment about real pirates vs. “store bought types.” Stede woke up this morning to find a stranger on his ship blowing up his antiques, someone who possesses the kind of personality that results in his third mutiny this year. Yet through all of this, Stede says twice “If he’s a friend of yours…” and implies the well-known ending, “then he’s a friend of mine.” Jack might not actually be a friend yet, but Stede is determined to change that for Ed’s benefit.

Of course, the problem lies not merely in Jack’s iffy behavior, or even his underlying motivations to get Stede killed. This friendship was doomed from the start simply because Jack is approaching the world from a perspective that Ed and Stede fundamentally don’t agree with. “What kind of pirate has a friend?” Jack screams when Ed leaves to go help Stede. "We’re all just in various stages of fucking each other over!” We learn here that Jack’s identification as "a friend” of Ed’s when he first arrives was a bit misleading, at best. Yeah, they’re buddies. They’ve saved each other’s hides. They even seem to legitimately enjoy each other’s company. But if you approach life under the belief that real friendship is impossible, then you will inevitably screw over the friends you have in an effort to protect yourself before they do the same to you—a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even Jack’s admission of a sexual relationship with Ed is described as a “dalliance,” brief, casual, unencumbered by deeper feelings. This is the worldview that governs 99% of the pirate community, producing the Jacks, Izzys, and (formerly) Blackbeards of the world. Remember, Ed needed a whole breakdown in the bathtub and Stede’s (frankly insane) nonchalance about the murder attempt to reach a place where he could believe that real friendship was even a possibility. I’m in love with the cinematography of this scene, with the mirrors splitting Ed and Stede and other shots where one or the other is partially obscured by the lights.

There’s a distance here despite the fact that Stede is kneeling directly beside Ed, at least until he manages to convince him that they are friends and yes, they can continue to be friends for as long as they like.

“Why do you all show such loyalty to this—this—this nothing?” Badminton screams when the crew is trying to stay Stede’s execution. Though it’s not outright stated, the answer is quite obviously because they love him. They’re all friends. But the world of OMFD is still in a place where you can’t just say that (unless you’re Blackbeard and you’re also in love with your friend) so instead everyone makes up palatable excuses for their newfound relationships. We’re loyal because Stede is actually a fearsome pirate—look, he stole vegetation! The same thing occurs in our Pilot when the crew agrees not to mutiny because Stede [checks notes] totally murdered that British officer. Right. Everyone’s just going to ignore the fact that they already wanted to drop the mutiny because Stede is a nice guy who reads them bedtime stories. Badminton’s accidental death is just the convenient excuse to let Stede live without losing face. Yet the circulation of those excuses must be real confusing to everyone who doesn’t immediately fall to the Stede Bonnet way of thinking. Everyone still verbally agrees that pirates will inevitably screw each other over and that you only follow those capable of the most heinous deeds… but now you don’t want to screw this guy over and you want to follow this marshmallow man? Badminton, Izzy, and Calico Jack can’t read between the lines, working from a rulebook that everyone else has chucked overboard, even though they keep insisting it’s in play.

The point of all this though is that Stede still tries. It was doomed to fail when it came to Jack, but nurturing that part of Ed—the part that thrives as Blackbeard, or at least as a semi-violent pirate who likes things other than the traditional activities of the aristocracy—is an important part of accepting him for who he is. The fact that Stede suffers Jack’s presence all the way through to pissing on his shoes is a testament both to his love for Ed and his willingness to help Ed maintain the parts of his pirate life that he still legitimately enjoys, slowly leading him towards a cohesive identity, rather than the fractured version we’ve mostly seen thus far.

━━━━━━━━┛ ✠ ┗━━━━━━━━

Stede Is a Lighthouse (Duh)

“Consider the humble lighthouse. An unwavering light that guides, and you shall be that for each other, for eternity.”

Stede is the lighthouse. I don’t need to tell anyone who reads OFMD meta that.

Still, let’s recap just a bit. We’re introduced to this concept during Stede and Mary’s wedding where the lighthouse is, on the surface, presented as a purely beneficial thing. It’s a humble, unwavering, guiding light that will remain with you for all eternity. Sounds pretty good! Yet even here we understand that the lighthouse is not without its problems, particularly when it’s applied to the wrong people. What good is being humble and unwavering if it keeps them silent about what they truly want? How can eternity be anything other than torture if you’re forced to spend it with someone you don’t love? Being a lighthouse, right from the start, has its pitfalls.

However, they’re pitfalls that Mary attempts to avoid, not Stede. In writing this I’ve been thinking a lot about Stede’s guilt and how it does (and does not) line up with the reality of the situation. Meaning, we can’t say that he screwed his family over in terms of practical needs because other than the “acre or two” he sold for his supplies and such, they inherited both his and Mary’s wealth. We also can’t say that he screwed them over emotionally given that they’re canonically much happier with him gone. Although, really, that’s too simple a spin on things. There is something to be said for the inherent problems in that abandonment—the generalized responsibility he has as a husband and father—to say nothing of how that might impact the kids, specifically. From a realistic perspective yeah, any father running off to chase his own dreams with only a note as a goodbye is #NotGood, regardless of the outcome, but my point is that the show does not emphasize that. Mary is thrilled to be living a widowed life with friends, a career, and Doug. The kids, though they clearly love their father (look at how much fun they have playing pirates with him) and deserve to have that closure with Stede over the petrified orange, also aren’t written as emotionally scarred by the change. The most damning responses to Stede leaving that we see come from Stede’s nightmares while recovering from his stab wound: Mary yelling about the letter and Alma leaning in to kill the “dog.” It’s absolutely more honorable, more emotionally healthy, and all around better that the family was able to amicably split this time, but the fact is that the vast majority of Stede’s guilt stems from his own assumption that he should feel very guilty indeed, not his family’s actual response. His subconscious summons up Badminton, but it’s his family that Stede is truly haunted by and it’s that choice to leave, not an accidental killing, that he needs to work through at the end of the season: “Until you resolve this guilt, you’ll continue to be haunted.” Yet when Stede does return home in an attempt to fix that perceived mistake, his guilt appears to be (mostly) misplaced. Sure, he technically did a bad thing, but if it resulted in a whole lot of good for everyone involved… does it matter?

Again, yeah. It matters in a generalized "Don’t be a dick and leave your family with no warning even if everyone ends up happier” kind of way. But given everything above—the specifics of Stede and Mary’s odd circumstances— I’d argue that Stede is feeling guilty for the wrong reason. He imagines that Mary and the children despise him for his abandonment when in fact they flourished in his absence. Hell, Louis doesn’t even remember who Stede is; he’s already acclimated to the idea that Doug is his real dad. However, what did cause Mary (and to a lesser extent the kids) great pain was Stede’s refusal to engage in the marriage for years while he was around, not his final choice to leave it. It’s Mary who takes Stede’s hand during the ceremony, signaling before they’re even married yet that she’s willing to reach out to him—literally. No, neither of them wants this, but Mary recognizes that they need to make the best of things. The problem is not so much that they’re living a loveless marriage, but that Stede isn’t willing to put forth the work to nurture love between them, even if it’s not the romantic love they’d both prefer. At the end of the season, we see that Mary and Stede actually get along swimmingly, hatching fuckeries together and happily supporting one another, both in their chosen partners (Ed, Doug) and their pursuits (piracy, painting). They might have reached that understanding much sooner if Stede hadn’t closed himself off to Mary, rejecting her every attempt to make their marriage bearable.

We see this disconnect in the gifts that they choose to give one another for their anniversary. Mary, in a rather mature move, has managed to combine her personal interest in painting with the goal of their marriage, something she expects Stede to care about because he too is an adult with equal standing in this relationship. So, she doesn’t ignore her own preferences, but rather tailors them in a way that she hopes will please them both: here’s a handmade gift that I put a lot of effort into, a way of showing you that I care. The gift is a visual representation of the metaphor I’m striving to make a reality. It’s also simply pertinent to the occasion, given that it’s our anniversary and I’ve made you something referencing our wedding. The fact that the lighthouse is literally fractured doesn’t take away from the fact that the overall image is still beautiful and something that Mary is proud to have created. They could build a better, fractured, but still beautiful marriage too. The fact that Stede isn’t just uninterested in the painting, but thinks the kids made it, certainly puts a damper on things and reinforces why Mary would eventually want to remove him from the family portrait. (One that, notably, doesn’t even look like them. It’s a lie, the portrait of a fictional family right from the start.)

Stede? Stede doesn’t put the same kind of thought and effort into his gift as Mary has. Oh, he’s certainly poured a lot of money and personal passion into the project, but that’s where the similarities end. Rather than finding a way to merge his interest in piracy with their marriage, Stede has flat out ignored everything that makes Mary, well, Mary. It sounds nice on the surface when Stede paints a picture (ha) of the family living on the sea together, but that’s before Mary cries out that she hates the sea. That’s not even something she’s admitting to now, dashing Stede’s otherwise understandable hopes. She apparently said that just last week when they were down on the beach together. Stede isn’t listening to her, he doesn’t see her, and ultimately the gift of the ship has nothing to do with her. Stede has gifted a model that only he would enjoy and has commissioned the building of the actual ship without her consent (imagine your partner secretly buying a Ferrari, but so much worse. I know it’s the 1700s and men do whatever they want in the marriage, but still). Then, when Mary pressures Stede, he lies about it, claiming the project is cancelled. Frankly, that’s a lot for any spouse to deal with. They’re both unhappy here—despite what Mary may claim in this exact moment, saying she doesn’t hate their life—they both want different things, and though it’s commendable that Stede takes the plunge to secure the life that he wants (brave too) the result has been years when he made little attempt to salvage the life he had.

Though less dramatic than the gifts, this disengagement is likewise seen right at the start of the flashbacks when the camera sinks six feet under to years after their marriage, when Mary is drinking wine at the table, trying unsuccessfully to engage Stede in conversation. He’s too busy reading—about piracy?—and doesn’t even show any interest in playing with the kids until Mary tells him not to play pirates because it gives them nightmares. But piracy is the only thing Stede is putting emotional energy towards, resulting in him ignoring Mary, his children, and disobeying a stern request that she had good reason to make. After all, right now Stede isn’t striking me as the parent who will deal with those nightmares when they surface.

This scene changes our reading of the other flashback dinner where Mary still sits at the far end of the table, both kids at her side, Stede unsuccessfully trying to offer his opinion about the farm animals. I was actually disappointed in OFMD for a hot second when I first watched this. “Ah,” I thought. “Another shrew wife, huh? Here Stede is trying to connect and Mary is rudely ignoring him, encouraging the kids to do the same. It’s particularly worrying that she’s dismissing a comment about the horse having “kind eyes.” What, can men not like sensitive animals, Mary? Oh well. It’s not like I haven’t seen this before.” “This” being shows that throw their women under the bus for the sake of the guys’ development. OFMD proved me wrong though because all our other flashbacks show Mary trying so hard to connect with Stede while Stede continually rebuffs her attempts. Which means that when they get to this point, years later, Mary is just done. It’s not that she’s inherently uncaring, or looking to oust Stede from the family, and she certainly doesn’t harbor any disdain for his traditionally feminine interests. It’s that she’s spent literal years reaching out to him and continually hitting an emotional brick wall. But then once in a blue moon he tries to get chummy over dinner? Damn, I’d be inclined to ignore him too. By the time Stede has decided to go be a pirate and then comes back to upend Mary’s life again because he “decided to un-abandon [his] family on a whim” I’m like OKAY. Mary can have a little murder attempt, as a treat.

(As a side note, we actually have a third flashback at the dinner table where Stede is sitting right next to his family, entertaining them with a story. I’m on the fence about this one, but right now I’m leaning towards this being a fantasy as opposed to an actual flashback. Out of everything we see from his past, playing pirates with the children is the only other happy moment. Stede just doesn’t have the kind of relationship with his family that would bridge the literal space between one end of the table and the other. That’s the point. He comes out of this supposed memory while staring at the sea, commenting to himself that his family is here now, on the ship. You know, the people he’s reading fairy tales to instead of his own children, the people he has managed to connect with. I see this as Stede imagining up the home life he would have liked to have, one where he somehow made Mary happy and she made him happy too, but given that this moment never actually existed, he’s trying again on The Revenge instead. We see the same “flashback” while Stede is lying in bed at the reformed sailors camp, but it crops up when he’s theorizing that Mary might have reported him dead out of spite and it’s followed by the definitely real moment when she ignores him to ask Alma about her favorite pig. Again, seems more like a moment of brief wish fulfillment than something Stede literally lost.)

All of this is neatly summarized in their final flashback scene, the night that Stede leaves on The Revenge:

Mary: “Stede… I know you’re unhappy. I’m unhappy too.”

Stede: “I’m not unhappy.”

Mary: “No? Sometimes I think I’ve heard you crying by yourself.”

Stede: “Uh… no. That’s probably the wind you’re hearing. Or an owl, it might be an owl.”

Mary: “I know we never would have chosen each other, not in a million years, but all we have is this one life. We have to try, don’t we? Otherwise, what’s the point?

Mary being the only one to emotionally reach out? Check. Acknowledging both her and Stede’s thoughts, but having him deny the truth of it? Check. Stede’s inability to admit to a “weak” response to this unhappiness like crying at night? Check. Him lying to her and ending the conversation by pretending to be asleep? Check. Topping it all off by sneaking off to the ship, revealing to the audience that Stede never intended to meet her halfway, this entire conversation was just a bump in his plan to leave her? A million checks all on top of each other. Stede has turned “We have to try" into “I have to try.” This all might make it sound like I think Stede is The Worst Ever, but far from it. I think he’s wonderfully flawed. OFMD could have easily been the story of a repressed Ed getting coaxed into emotional fulfillment by a Stede Bonnet who already has it all worked out (or vice versa)—and that would have been great. But it’s far more compelling to me to watch two thoroughly floundering men trying to better themselves together. Stede might not be at the level of feeding someone their own toe, but he’s certainly had his fair share of failings. This initial failing of not communicating with Mary about what he wants and needs is something that Stede seems to realize on a subconscious level, even if it takes him until the end of the season to try and do something about it. “Coward,” he mutters while on his sickbed. “I was a coward.” But after they finally confront one another, with complete honesty this time, they’re brought together both emotionally and literally. The cinematography moves from the two of them divided in their own carriages, separated by a split screen, to sharing a carriage as they plan both their futures.

So Stede fails to be the husband Mary needs (he never could have been), but he likewise fails to even meet her halfway, at least at the start. However, this doesn’t mean that Stede has failed as a lighthouse. No, he certainly didn’t guide in the way the pastor assumed he would, but Stede’s selfishness nevertheless led to Mary finding her own freedom, her artistic expression, and the love of her life. If we think about how the lighthouse is an inanimate object, it doesn’t matter whether Stede intends to guide or not—he illuminates for anyone who happens to come within his orbit. Of course, this also means that people are likely to crash up on his rocks whether Stede intends that or not too. When Stede leaves Mary, he believes he’s hurt his family terribly, only to return and find that they’ve been the happiest without him. In contrast, when Stede leaves Ed, he thinks he’s doing right by him, buying fully into the cruel picture that Badminton paints of his actions:

Badminton: “Stede Bonnet is not a human. You’re a monster. A plague. You defile beautiful things: my dear brother, your own family, you even managed to bring history’s greatest pirate to ruin. And here you are, unscathed, God’s perfect little rich boy.”

Stede says he agrees with this assessment entirely (my heart) and even before this he tries to reassure Ed that he’s okay with the execution because at some point he has to “face the music for the things he’s done” and the “people he’s hurt.” This is why Stede leaves. He can’t do anything about either Badminton now, but he can try to fix things with his family and avoid ruining Ed any more than he already has. Problem is, Mary never shattered on his rocks. She guided herself in his absence and it’s Steve’s return that causes strife (until they’re able to be honest with each other, that is). In contrast, Stede has been guiding Ed this whole time—and Ed him—and it’s him leaving that causes Ed to shatter. Stede gets it backwards (love a protagonist who’s allowed to fuck up despite their best intentions) and it’s only at the very end of the season that he realizes that mistake. He needs to return to Ed, the man he can apply those vows to.

Though of course, they already gave a version of the wedding vows, albeit in a different context. Still, given the pervasiveness of the metaphor, there’s something quite romantic about them yelling in synch, “We need to be a lighthouse!” and then pulling off an awesome plan together, one that requires Ed’s daring (blowing liquor into the lamp), Stede’s finery (the reflection of the mirror), and the help of their crew (Wee John making the lighthouse warning call). They might have been creating a fictional lighthouse in that moment, but that’s no more or less real than the metaphor of the wedding vows. “We need to be a lighthouse [to each other].”

━━━━━━━━┛ ✠ ┗━━━━━━━━

Izzy Hands (Affectionate and Derogatory)

Ah, we finally come to this gremlin of a man. Let the discourse commence!

For me, a neat summary of Izzy’s character is that he’s the living embodiment of Black Pete’s fantasy. At the start of “A Damned Man” Pete tells the crew a story that, at first glance, appears to be nonsensically over-the-top. Indeed, as the tale goes on his shipmates start rolling their eyes, disgusted by Stede’s gullibility. Glowing red eyes? Fighting off three men simultaneously? “The Dread Black Pete”? C'mon. How can you possibly believe all this? This is clearly a case of a man spinning a yarn, imagining up a power fantasy and hoping to convince us of it.

The thing is though… this fantasy is pretty realistic.

Now, obviously it’s not real real. The most absurd details of the tale are the exact kind of exaggerations that Ed is upset by. When Stede shows him an illustration of Blackbeard he’s disgusted by the fantasy elements that serve to paint him as more bloodthirsty (and traditionally masculine) than he actually is: “Fucking viking vampire clown with—look at that—one, two, nine guns all over him. Nine guns!” with the use of “him” separating Ed from the drawing. So no, there are no glowing red eyes, skull on his belt, or a head made of smoke. But the reaction these imagined Frenchmen have is exactly on the mark. During the story it might seem ridiculous for a man to throw himself overboard merely from spotting Blackbeard’s ship—it’s supposed to seem ridiculous while Pete is telling it—but we learn later that this is precisely how the pirate world reacts to Ed. The appearance of his right-hand man is enough to keep Jackie from starting a new nose jar. Merely seeing Blackbeard—in a terrified, delusional state, no less—is indeed enough to send grown Dutchmen running for their lives when all the other fuckery of that night barely moved them. There’s a truth to Pete’s story underneath all the absurd details and Izzy is living it. As Blackbeard’s First Mate, Izzy’s life is what other pirate’s fantasies are.

And I think that’s really important for understanding why he’s, you know, an absolutely deranged little man that I want to slide under a microscope and write articles on. Izzy had everything going for him—or at least, everything he thought it was possible to have—before stupid fucking Stede Bonnet showed up.

It’s nothing new in the fandom to say that Izzy is in love with Blackbeard (not necessarily Edward, or even Ed— though the possibility of that is there imo. We’ll get to that.) Nor is it revolutionary to point out that he’s the one human in a muppet cast, a man who went to bed in a gritty action-drama and woke up in a rom-com. However, it’s not just that Izzy is trying to navigate a world whose rules have suddenly and inexplicably been turned inside out—duels are now won through absurd happenstance rather than skill, romance occurs through heartfelt communication rather than violence functioning as subtext—it’s that his original world was celebrated before it was lost. As discussed above, we as the audience recognize how damaging that world can be (or at least, I hope we do), but for the first couple of episodes the entire cast emphasizes how much they love their gritty, dangerous, subtext-fueled lives. It’s in Frenchie singing about how a pirate’s life isn’t just short, but nice. How when given the option to just sit on a beach and relax for once, Wee John vocally prefers to blow things up. Roach is more than a little eager to torture their hostages. Buttons is ready and waiting to cannibalize his friends. Black Pete dreams of slaughtering men at his Captain’s behest and when they make port at a town where men are indeed dying at their feet and vomiting endless blood into buckets, they all comment about how The Republic of Pirates just isn’t what it used to be. Pirates have gone soft and, however much the crew comes to embrace softness for themselves, there is a sense of real disappointment in that loss.

Things are changing. (“Is that a gift shop?”) Stede is furthering that change and the crew is receptive to his efforts. They legitimately enjoy their craft projects and bedtime stories. Quite obviously, much of the show is about these characters unlearning toxic masculinity and figuring out how to embrace all forms of self-expression, no matter what that might look like. There’s a lot to unpack there, but the point for this section is that no one is secretly waiting to chuck aside all traditional aspects of their pirate life once someone like Stede says it’s okay. Roach likes torturing and cooking delicious tapas. Wee John likes setting things on fire and helping his mom make dresses. Ed enjoys going to fancy parties with Stede, but he also enjoys the activities he associates with Calico Jack: whipping bottles off the side of the ship, or betting on a knife-turtle-crab fight. As Geraldo lays out, having “balls” is what really matters. It’s not a matter of gender—Jackie has the biggest balls of them all—but rather how much of a badass you appear in front of others. Such personas are rejected only once they’re taken too far (as often happens with Ed), but the violent, dangerous, strength-based manner of showing off is still very ingrained in everyone’s mindset. The concept of “cool” still holds a great deal of sway and Izzy, more than anyone except Blackbeard himself, is very, very cool.

Or at least he was.

Izzy had everything going for him in this world and goddamn, I can’t help but feel bad for the guy once he loses it. He’s Blackbeard lite. Scarred. Tattooed. Dressed all in leather. In possession of a fantastic voice thanks to Con O'Neill. He has superb sword skills and the position everyone else dreams of. Izzy has it all, right down to the ability to spot the pitfalls in his original genre:

Oluwande: “This is the ghost of the forest!”

Stede: “I didn’t know this isle was haunted.”

Izzy: “It’s obviously one of your men.”

Stede: “But is it?”

Izzy: “Yes, it is.”

Stede: (whispering): “But is it?”

In another version of OFMD this would have worked. I mean, it did work, but here I’m referring to the original intention of Stede’s plan: to convince Izzy of his fanciful tale. I’m sure we can all think of a story where the protagonist successfully tricks the stupider (or simply more gullible) antagonist, even one where ghosts are involved in the lie. If the antagonist is not immediately taken in by the ruse something then inevitably turns the tide of their confidence and they run away scared. We know this scene. Izzy is supposed to stand firm at first, but then falter as Stede continues to insist that a ghost is nearby, or one of his men pipes up with a folk tale they heard and suddenly it’s well shit, if you believe it, then maybe it’s true. But of course, Izzy does none of that. He knows how his own tropes work. There’s a ghost! No there’s not. Yes, there is! Nope. It’s just your men in the woods. You can’t trick a man who knows how their story goes. If the world hadn’t tilted while Izzy wasn’t looking, he’d be so impressive here, but as it stands… Izzy doesn’t know how to navigate a rom-com, resulting in a sudden rock, a silly ambush, and oh, would you look at that. Stede wins.

The absurd position he’s suddenly been thrust into is made clear through the very first shot, in which the formerly badass pirate is framed between Stede’s legs, making for both a ridiculous and slightly suggestive image.

Izzy, like any good character plucked from a homoerotic laden, but ultimately “no homo” story, has numerous moments like this one. As in, far too many for me to list here. Some highlights though would be him getting reeeaal close to other men as a form of intimidation, tearing open Stede’s shirt as a means of scaring him, and the entire debacle that was getting Ed down from his fuckery harness (a scene I’ll come back to). The change in genre doesn’t simply result in Stede’s muppet-ness allowing him to beat Izzy in duels, obliterating his “cool” factor as a result, it also means that Izzy is suddenly faced with text where there was formerly only subtext. He was the ultimate badass not simply because he used to be able to beat the likes of Stede Bonnet with ease, but because he was formerly the Heterosexual Icon in a genre that celebrated such postering, his own queercoding existing only between the lines—and doesn’t the target audience of his original story like it that way? Yet now it’s a rom-com, a queer rom-com, and what was once considered awesome is… not. Izzy now comes across as silly in fights and downright toxic when it comes to emotional maturity. As someone who is queercoded, but ultimately antagonistic towards the rest of the (queer) cast, a man who is struggling to navigate a world that no longer worships all he represents, we come to the big question: Is Izzy Hands queerphobic?

Yes.

But it’s “Yes” with a caveat.

See, fans are correct to point out that Izzy is repeating queerphobic rhetoric regardless of the reason why (AKA, his own repressed attraction). You can’t have a character sneer at another man for wearing a silk gown and pining for his boyfriend, only to turn around and insist that there’s nothing damaging in both believing that and trying to convince Ed of that “truth.” Izzy is queerphobic in the same way a kid calling another kid “fag” as an insult is queerphobic. Yeah, maybe the kid just picked up the slur from a Youtube video and repeated it without any knowledge of the other kid’s perceived sexuality, or maybe this is a kind of defense mechanism to avoid questioning their own attraction, or maybe peer pressure of their friends nearby pushed them to say something they didn’t truly mean, or maybe this is how they connect with someone they secretly like (the pulling of pigtails), etc. Regardless of the imagined context, nothing changes the fact that the act itself, the language and an intent to hurt in at least some regard, is queerphobic. Izzy framing Ed’s grief over a lost boyfriend, as well as the various ways in which he’s no longer conforming to traditional masculinity, as bad is an act of queerphobia, regardless of whatever else Izzy has got going on.

But he does have a lot going on, which is precisely why Izzy is fascinating to me. Because despite what I’ve written above, Izzy is not queerphobic in the sense of hating queer people. Take Lucius, for example. As many others have already pointed out, their confrontation has little to do with Lucius’ sexuality and far more to do with perspectives on cheating. When Lucius refuses to do the chores Izzy assigned him Izzy attempts blackmail with, “I can spill all your beans. You’ve been a proper little seductress, haven’t you? Black Pete. Fang. Who else is there?” Or, simply put, do the work or I tell your boyfriend you’re seeing someone else on the side. Izzy doesn’t care that Lucius is having sex with men, he cares that Lucius is having sex with multiple men without the others knowing.

Now, you could argue that this is biased against polyamory folk, but I personally think it stems more from Izzy’s repressed feelings towards Ed and the single-minded devotion he’s displayed towards him, rather than any generalized belief that people can’t have multiple partners, period. Izzy only loves one person; Lucius loves many. Izzy can’t possibly tell Ed that he cares for him; Lucius is incredibly free with his affections. It’s a “Wait, you can do that?” moment that, given Izzy’s intense repression, leads to anger and confusion, rather than a joyous revelation. Another character with less shit to work through might have come out of that interaction with a new perspective (and, given Lucius’ empathy towards baby gays like Stede, he likely would have offered “You ever been sketched?” more seriously, rather than as a way to make Izzy even more uncomfortable. Lucius only gives as good as he gets: you blackmail me (polyamory) I’ll blackmail you (Izzy the Spewer) right back). In the end, Izzy is knocked off balance by Lucius announcing his sketch session to Pete—seriously, Con is fantastic in this scene, taking Izzy from steady threats to a stuttering, trembling “Fuck off”—because he cannot imagine a world where men not only love each other freely, but do so with none of the familiar, jealously-laden ownership that his own attraction is wrapped up in.

“We don’t own each other,” Lucius says. Well damn, then what does that say about Izzy’s relationship with Blackbeard? He does consider himself owned… despite the fact that he can’t really acknowledge that outside of the First Mate/Captain dynamic. The only way that Izzy can experience Blackbeard’s love is through horrific shit like eating his own toe. Hearing someone announce that sure, queer love can be kind, open, and easy is something he is not equipped to handle. Unlike Stede who rejoices in that description from Mary, Izzy flinches from it.

So, he doesn’t care that Lucius is having sex with Pete, he cares that they’re having sex rather than doing the work of “proper” men. He doesn’t care that Lucius has multiple partners, he thinks other people will care (like those from his original genre) and he can use that to control Lucius. If we put aside Izzy’s own interest in Ed for a moment—the jealousy—I don’t think he even cares that Ed fell in love with another guy, he cares that he fell in love with that guy, Stede Bonnet, the most flouncy, empathetic, un-masculine guy around. Really, Izzy doesn’t seem to have a problem with queer people at all… provided they still act in ways that he’s been taught are socially acceptable. Which yes, is still a kind of queerphobia. If I were to draw another iffy comparison, it’s like your mom supporting you and your girlfriend, but also constantly sneering at the butch look you’ve got going on because it’s not feminine enough. Someone well-versed in queer culture and history understands how denying that self-expression and imposing limiting binaries is inherently harmful—a form of queerphobia even if we’re speaking about things adjacent to the act of dating a member of the same gender. But someone without much understanding of intersectionality here (the mom) views being attracted to women and being butch as two separate things. Why can’t you just love women invisibly and ensure your sexuality never impacts other parts of your life, particularly those that are on public display? It’s fine if you’re queer! Just don’t, you know, make a thing of it.

You (hopefully) get the idea. Izzy is likewise fine with queer folk, provided each of them is embodying queerness in an acceptable, gender-conforming way. When they don’t, well, that leads to a great deal of discomfort and anger for Izzy, and that’s where wires are getting crossed in the fandom. I think a whole lot of viewers—myself included— looked at how that discomfort was acted out and went, “That doesn’t look like a straight guy uncomfortable because he hates queer people, that looks like a repressed queer uncomfortable because he doesn’t know how to work through his own feelings on masculinity or sexuality yet.” We recognize Izzy. We know him. We arguably know the Izzys of the fictional world far better than the Luciuses, the Stedes, and the Eds because though overt queer characters are still a relative novelty in visual media, we’ve spent the rest of that history watching hyper-masculine men get by on queercoding alone, learning to read their presumed wants and desires between the lines of violence, or even their insistence (one might say too insistent) that they’re totally, completely, 100% straight. Odd as it may seem given our call for queer rep, fandom has a kinship with characters like Izzy and many of us were primed from episode one to read him as closeted. He belongs to the likes of Dean Winchester, BBC John Watson, James Kirk, Derek Hale, Lex Luthor, Tony Stark, and a thousand others who are written as skirt chasing men’s men—sometimes even disdainful of anything else—yet the subtext of their writing has bred literal decades of work going, “Honey no, you’re queer.” The only difference between then and now is that Izzy exists in a narrative that might actually do something with that coding, turning the subtext into text.

Does all this make Izzy’s actions any less queerphobic? No, but it changes how a lot of people approach his character. To be blunt, it encourages a more sympathetic reading. For some, anyway. The textual reality is that we do have a character lashing out in a queerphobic manner. Understandably, a lot of fans are uncomfortable with that and others outright despise Izzy as a person, with little possibility that this will change. But for others, the coded-as-closeted individual lashing out feels like a different situation than the straight guy hurling slurs, even if the action is technically the same. For them, there’s a desire to avoid labeling Izzy as queerphobic because we want to distinguish the repressed queer man from the bigoted straight man, yet we don’t have the vocabulary to express all the complexities of that in a social media appropriate way. Basically, “homophobic gay” is a lot punchier for a tumblr post than this massive essay, so many decide to leave it at that. Meanwhile, the other half of the fandom sees queerphobia and label it like it is, regardless of the character’s specific situation. Hence, the tag gets flooded with both interpretations, posters on both sides getting frustrated by the other’s “wrong” takes, when in fact they overlap. They’re interconnected, and trying to separate Izzy’s queerness from his queerphobia would obliterate much of what makes him such a fascinating character.

Now, I’ve admittedly been insisting this whole time that Izzy is queer without doing much to back that up because, frankly, not only would that encompass the vast majority of his screen time, but it’s rather a “You know it when you see it” situation. As said, Izzy is a character built on literal decades of television and, for each of us, a lifetime of learning media literacy. There are choices here that resonate and, while perhaps not meaning much on their own, add up to a recognizable picture: his queerness is in the choice to make him so devoted to Blackbeard that it comes across as obsession, the power dynamics of a Captain and their First Mate, his tendency to get close to other men in an attempt at intimidation, his flustered responses to flirting, the autocannibalism as an act of devotion, and his choice to try and insult Lucius and Pete with an “Oh daddy” mockery when, crucially, nothing in that situation would prompt someone to single out that particular kink. Is all of that inherently queer in the real world? Of course not. Is it all connected to media history in a way many of us recognize, even if it’s only subconsciously? Yes. Queerness is in Con’s every acting choice and the costume/styling departments’ every detail (whether they intended that or not. I assume they did, but the point still stands that authorial intent is a separate beast from what’s actually put on screen). Izzy is the most buttoned-up character, hands down, with long sleeves, a closed shirt, and slicked-back hair that only comes undone when his Captain punches him in the jaw, disrupting the fantasy of saving Blackbeard and being rewarded for it. Izzy wears his leather seriously, as someone from a Black Sails-esque genre is supposed to, and he rejects even a single pop of color. You know, the vibrancy that’s connected primarily to Stede and everything he represents, including the acceptance of his sexuality. Izzy’s queerness is in the ambiguous ring he keeps tied to his cravat. It’s in his choice to wear only a single glove, one bare hand vulnerable to the world, but that’s not the one he’ll touch a fine thing with:

And, of course, Izzy is in love with Blackbeard. As a general rule I don’t put too much stock in authorial claims because, as said, simply because an author intended to accomplish something with a story doesn’t mean that’s what they actually put out into the world. However, in this case Jenkins certainly seems to know what he’s doing and if it sweetens the deal for anyone, he agreed in an interview with The Verge about, at the very least, the loving Blackbeard part:

“And then, at the same time, I think Izzy’s deeply in love with Blackbeard, and it’s a very dysfunctional kind of love, and he’s like the jilted spouse who’s losing his man to fucking Stede Bonnet, and he can’t believe this is happening” (Charles Pulliam-Moore).

Exactly. It’s a dysfunctional love, a toxic love, but that’s precisely the point: this is the only way that Izzy currently knows how to express himself. The “and he can’t believe this is happening” resonates not only because Ed is loving Stede in all the ways Izzy has come to believe are not allowed, but because he’s also loving Stede in all the ways that are appropriate for their original, subtext infused genre. Ed doesn’t just kiss Stede on a beach as they plan a getaway together, he also engages in homoerotic, “It’s a metaphor for sex” activities with him too. Like, you know, stabbing each other with phallic swords so they can hold one another close and moan about it, and Izzy is in the background freaking the fuck out because that used to be their thing. Or at least, given that we don’t know much of their backstory yet, Izzy hoped that he’d one day have that with Ed—the highest form of intimacy that their genre allowed. Regardless, he’s still that jilted spouse. Which is precisely why we don’t simply get anger from Izzy, but disbelief and heartbreak too, all wrapped up in the repetition of “Oh my god.” Even worse than watching Ed do this with Stede is that Izzy can’t do it with him too (RIP my OT3 dreams). Stede is the replacement, not the new addition. Compare the happiness and tender intimacy (alongside comedy) of the stabbing scene to the utter disaster that is Izzy trying to unhook Ed from his fuckery harness.

That’s a (none too subtle) metaphor for sex too, except this one goes very badly: “The fuck you doing with your head between my legs??” Ed cries and Stede even makes a comment about how there’s “Trouble in paradise.” It’s fumbling, and awkward, and neither of them come out of the encounter with what they were hoping for. Ed doesn’t want that intimacy with Izzy—whether he ever did is up for debate—and Izzy leaves the disastrous attempt to (metaphorically) connect with Ed as Stede has arguably at his most vulnerable, yelling about how Ed thinks he knows “everything about everything,” before dissolving into a stammering mess. Then he literally runs away. When we see him again he’s closed off, having flanked himself with backup in the form of Ivan and Fang, finally ready to give up on the idea that Ed will willingly kill Stede for him.

We see the same transfer of intimacy in the two duels of “The Art of Fuckery” where everything Ed teaches Stede is used against Izzy. Ed flirtatiously slaps Stede on the ass with his sword? Stede does it to Izzy while he’s briefly blinded, turning the kind, playful act into a moment of embarrassment. Ed teaches Stede his most useful skill, resulting in the closeness and moans that send Izzy into a fit? That’s the move that allows Stede to not only survive Izzy’s onslaught, but win the duel and exile him from the ship (from Ed). Stede even asks both of them if they’ll consider calling it a draw, with both saying no, though for very different reasons. Stede, quite unintentionally, turns the intimacy Ed has granted him against Izzy, rubbing salt into the proverbial wound. So, if Izzy can’t love Ed in a healthy manner (he doesn’t know how and Ed doesn’t seem interested in romantic love from him anyway) and if he can’t engage in their subtext anymore… the best Izzy can get is provoking Ed to violence. Choking him out is preferable to Ed ignoring him, particularly for someone like Izzy who seems to enjoy the pain.

(Note the lighthouse. You’re crashing up on the rocks of your guiding light, Izzy.)

Yet even as Izzy expresses his love for Ed through masochistic tendencies, there are glimmers of a healthier approach buried deep, deeeep down. I wrote another meta in which I describe Izzy as a “plan-loving, rule-following, not-actually-keen-on-stabbing-first” kinda guy. Izzy loves structure and the safety that it provides, along with the respect that should, theoretically, come as a result of being a talented and reliable pirate. Izzy spends the first season chasing not others’ fear of him—what we would expect from the supposedly ruthless First Mate of Blackbeard—but their respect. Izzy is a man who will pay for the hostages he wants, challenge a man he despises to a traditional duel, and weather a punch from his Captain without throwing one back because yeah, he deserved it. For all his insults and bluster, Izzy extends a certain amount of respect towards others, in his own weird, narrow-minded way. He seems to want to go through life with a civilized approach to their problems, but that requires others extending him at least a smidge of respect in turn. But, because Izzy is a grumpy, happiness-hating, queerphobia performing asshole—someone who doesn’t fit into the new genre and as of yet isn’t willing to bend to it—he can never quite secure the respect he craves. “Dizzy Izzy” and “Izzy the Spewer” are stories that the crew pass around to laugh at him, at least once directly to his face. Yet when Ed tells the story of how Calico Jack once “shat everywhere but in the bedpan,” that gets an inclusive kind of laughter; the crew laughs with him, not at him. We have to ask how a man goes about securing anything other than violence from a loved one when he can’t even get others to extend the most basic respect of using his name—“Jizzy Izzy.”

Izzy’s brief stint as captain is particularly fascinating. The crew says at the start of the season that they want someone who will act as a "real” pirate should—looting, raiding, killing, that sort of stuff—and then here comes Izzy, saying that working under “Captain Hands” will be “hard but fair."

Yeah, he’s still an absolute asshole about it as he sits eating his meal while the others work (chewing open-mouthed in a manner that highlights the difference in class between him and Stede, despite Izzy’s little lunch setup working to put him in the “aristocratic” position on the ship), but compared to what we’ve heard about other "real” pirates and their violent ways, “hard but fair” seems like a damn good deal to me. I mean, let’s be real for just a second: doing chores on the ship that needs to be run is kinda better than, say, the captain that throws people overboard and makes others eat their own toes. Izzy doesn’t threaten the crew with a cruel punishment (a week without rations) until after they’ve laughed at him. Even when offering what others supposedly want, a “real” pirate captain who’s more badass than Stede, but less insane than Blackbeard, no one takes Izzy seriously. The moment he says “Izzy’s Revenge” they’re all cracking up and calling it an intestinal disorder—it’s Izzy the Spewer all over again.

Still, Izzy’s tendency towards (comparatively) civilized solutions and his clear attempts to be respected by others makes me question whether he truly wants Blackbeard, or if he’s only chased the violent legend because that’s what Real Men should aspire to (and, as established, that’s all he can hope to get). After all, Blackbeard the legend is half insane, volatile, the kind of person that Izzy needs to clean up after and he should, theoretically, hate that kind of chaos—“We need a plan, Edward.” But Blackbeard’s also the epitome of masculinity and if you have to be attracted to other guys (already difficult to come to terms with) at least have the decency to be attracted to the right kind of guy. So, Izzy works hard and by the end of the season he’s managed to bring that palatable love back to the surface… maybe. As discussed in another section, I do wonder if Ed will be able to be the Kraken any longer than he managed to be the poet Edward, if his desperate crying in front of the lighthouse painting is any indication that this façade will crumble just as quickly. I also wonder if throwing Lucius overboard is a sign of a new level of cruelty he’s never reached before—the first (intended) murder since his father—or if Ed views the ocean as having killed Lucius, just like fire killed that crew trapped on the ship. However, whether the Kraken is only a flimsy act that Stede will quickly break through, or something that Ed remains for an extended period of time, necessitating that things get even worse before they get better, Izzy is poised to be disappointed with either result.

Why he’d hate Stede’s return and Ed becoming his “soft” self again is obvious. Why Izzy would hate the Kraken he’s worked so hard to create is a little trickier to explain though. Basically, Izzy talks big about wanting the captain to be himself again, but the actual “he’s himself again” line, given in response to Fang asking about his mutilated foot, feels rather forced to me. I wasn’t able to capture the moment in an image, but there’s a brief second when Izzy looks almost tearful, his smile a little too manic to be real. He looks like a guy trying very hard to convince himself that this is what he wants and outside of that brief flash, he does an admirable job. But another potential tell here is the level of anger he displays. It sounds a little ridiculous because the fandom has already made a (wonderful) joke of how angry Izzy is all the time—chihuahua man—but as mentioned above in regards to “civilized” approaches, he actually tends towards calm. Izzy doesn’t throw a fit when Stede tricks him, not even when Ed frames this as Stede beating him at swordplay. Outside of two angry slashes he also remains composed during their duel and, though we have the “pox on all of you” moment in the boat, that’s a quiet, hissed anger. Izzy keeps his cool when Ed punches him—“That’s fair.” He assigns chores when he’s fed up with Lucius. He expresses primarily shock when he walks in on Fang. Even when he’s briefly captain, Izzy speaks calmly and lets a single threat do the work for him. Here though? After the Kraken has been awakened? Izzy is screaming. He’s shouting orders left and right, potentially covering the fear Fang’s question dredged up with even more screams: “Quicker! Quicker!” It’s the most unhinged we’ve ever seen him and though yeah, we could potentially chalk that up to being in an unbelievable amount of pain, the more interesting reading is that Izzy got what he thought he wanted and… holy shit, it’s not what he wanted at all.

There’s that, and the fact that every once in a while, Izzy reveals an interest in the kind of man Ed truly is: smart and capable and kind. That’s the potential, healthier approach to love that I mentioned before, the one buried deep, deeeep down. “Said some things I regret last night,” Izzy says, after the double flip-off he shoves in Ed’s face. “I don’t think you’re a shell of a man, or a twat.”

Interestingly, this retraction is delivered while Ed is still dressed in Stede’s clothes, a visual acceptance of the “softer” man Ed would like to become. “A sentimental bastard” is what Calico Jack calls Izzy, emphasizing that no, he betrayed Stede, not Ed. Though Jack is hardly the best person to be defining healthy relationships, it nevertheless says something that he’d term the supposedly ruthless and mindlessly obsessive First Mate as “sentimental.” As I mentioned in that previous meta, Izzy is the one who’s concerned with the men they lost while attacking the Spanish and when it comes time to describe why he’s honored to serve under Blackbeard, it’s not any of the killing or looting that Izzy mentions, but his brilliance as a sailor. He values Ed’s intellect and creativity far more than his cruelty. Similarly, when discussing with Ivan and Fang the possibility that Ed isn’t going to kill Stede, Izzy reassures them that he will. He clearly has faith in his captain, but why? Because Blackbeard is ruthless? A murder machine? Disdainful of a fancy ponce like Stede? Nope.

Izzy: “The plan is very much alive. He promised me.”

He promised me. Beyond all the toxic-masculinity trappings, Izzy doesn’t want a fearsome legend, he wants a man who’s even half as loyal to him as he’s been for years. He wants Ed to keep his promise, but not because killing Stede is truly Izzy’s greatest desire. Remember he’s the one who offers exile as a punishment in the duel and then gives Stede the ultimatum “Yield or die.” He also stabs Stede in a manner that allows him to pull off one of Ed’s more well-known tricks, something Izzy had to have been aware of (and reminded of after eavesdropping on their training). If Izzy actually wanted Stede dead he would be very dead, muppet logic be damned. No, the jilted spouse reading aside, Izzy wants Ed to go through with the murder because Ed made that promise to him. Izzy’s love language is acts of service and he wants the man he loves to willingly act on his behalf, just as he would: “I’ll happily do it.”

We see the same desperate craving for Ed’s care—not his violence—when Izzy is leaving the ship after losing his duel. I already argued in my first meta that Izzy puts too much stock in a pirate’s honor to go back on his word, particularly when he suggested exile, and I do stand by that. However, he does say, “You’re actually allowing this?” to Ed as he’s preparing to cast off, which I read less as an attempt to weasel his way out of the agreement and more just disbelief that Ed isn’t fighting for him. Are you going to allow this, Ed? Izzy knows it’s only right and proper that he leaves, he knows Ed won’t interfere with the duel’s outcome (he didn’t even do that for Stede), but ultimately neither of those things matter. It’s not about whether Izzy actually leaves or not, it’s about seeing Ed wanting him to stay. Izzy will go on to commit the ultimate betrayal in an effort to get, as he perceives it, the real Blackbeard back because Izzy will do anything for him. Yet here Ed stands, shrugging off the fact that they’re separating for the first time in years; he may never even see Izzy again. "That’s that,” Ed says, a dismissal, a far cry from “I need you here,” given back when Izzy still believed that Ed’s promises to him meant something. And yeah, Izzy’s an absolute dick (as Roach reiterates here) but his asshole approach to the world becomes tragic when we consider that he wants something he thinks he can never have, is fighting for everything that hurts him, and at the end of the day, even if he were to change… the one person he’s managed to extend even a twisted kind of love towards is not only in love with someone else, but has, as a result of that love, lost even the most cursory interest in Izzy. It’s a fact that Izzy is all too aware of: Ed loves Stede and that relationship—that growth—has rendered a repressed First Mate completely obsolete. Out of an emotionally open cast, it’s actually Izzy who gets the closest to calling Stede and Ed’s relationship what it is. He claims that Ed has been “seduced” by Stede, he “adores” him, and he almost gets the “I love you” out when ranting to Spanish Jackie:

Izzy: “Bonnet comes along and he’s like oh, oh, Blackbeard, I really love—I love the way you dress. I love the way your hair, your beard, and all that…”

I don’t deny that Izzy has a masochistic streak a mile long. Even if we didn’t have the insane toe scene, Con’s choice to play Izzy as continually attracted to candles implies a hell of a lot. Something, something the thin line between warmth and pain.

But even taking those kink-y preferences into account, I think that in the face of Ed’s love for Stede (Izzy’s opposite) and the influence of their original genre, he’s learned that violence is the only way he can keep Ed’s attention and the tragedy is that he has convinced himself that any attention, no matter how toxic, is preferable to a "that’s that” dismissal. Violence is an especially attractive option when—like the practice bout between Stede and Ed—violence maintains its own kind of intimacy, even in a rom-com. Ed doesn’t merely cut off Izzy’s toe, he comes to Izzy in the dead of night, when he’s nearly naked (buttoned-up Izzy suddenly laid bare), vulnerable in his sleep, and forces Izzy to consume it while he watches. All of Ed’s attention is on Izzy here, the height of Izzy’s devotion is on display, and the result is that “clean yourself up” likely refers to more than just cleaning the blood off his foot and his mouth. Izzy knows how to goad Ed into slamming him up against a wall, choking him, coming to his bed for something and yeah, he’ll take the intimacy of that violence because what else is on offer? And yet, fascinatingly, he still tries to cup Ed’s cheek.

For a brief moment Izzy tries some of the tenderness that has attracted Ed to Stede (still with his non-vulnerable, gloved hand), but Ed jerks back, repulsed. The grin Izzy gives afterwards looks horribly self-satisfied. At this point in the story he already knows Ed doesn’t love him and that a tender touch from him isn’t something he’s interested in. I find the phrasing of Badminton’s announcement at the trial to be rather weighted, that Ed will be put into the care of Captain Hands, with Izzy giving his awkward little wave—

—but Ed doesn’t want to be in his care, literally or emotionally, and all the wave does is make him seethe to Stede that Izzy betrayed them. Remember, Izzy doesn’t see it that way. Based on what Calico Jack said, Izzy believes this is a betrayal of Stede and Stede alone because, despite Ed’s clear love for Stede, and our own (non-fucked up) understanding that hurting a loved one would hurt us too, Izzy cannot fathom that Ed doesn’t get that he’s acting in his best interest. Izzy has already tried to talk (his version of) sense into Ed, approaching him with more earnestness than we’ve ever seen from him before. After rocking from that punch, Izzy agrees that he deserves it, but begs Ed to understand that he did this for him. I think he only curses once in the entire speech—“twat”—and otherwise is as emotionally open as he’s capable of being. Izzy is, for him, even surprisingly kind towards Stede, trying to reassure Ed that shooting him will be quick, humane, a necessary act, but not a cruel one. Izzy wants to get through to him so badly… but then Ed rejects that devotion, the most open, earnest, non-violent devotion that Izzy can manage. His loyalty to Ed, his work bringing the British here (remember Ed’s mocking question about whether its “hard” to be Blackbeard’s First Mate?), and even the quick death of Stede Bonnet that, Izzy thinks, is the best possible outcome that Ed might take some comfort from… none of it matters. Ed taught him that the most important rule “above all else is loyalty to your Captain” and now Ed doesn’t want that. Or at least, he no longer wants the version of loyalty that the world has taught Izzy to display and that Blackbeard has stoked in him for years. Ed shouts "Act of Grace!” and Izzy whispers, “No,” more broken than anything else. He realizes he’s lost. “Fear is the most powerful emotion. Turn your enemy’s worst fear against them, you’ll own them.” Ed’s worst fear is losing Stede, so yes, he’ll let the King own him to spare his life. Izzy’s worst fear is losing Ed, so he’ll do the same, rendering "service to the Crown” to, in his mind, save him from himself. “Do you really want to lick the King’s boots?” Izzy asks in disbelief because he can’t imagine Ed doing for Stede what Izzy did for him. The difference, of course, is that Ed is working to avoid Stede’s literal death and Izzy is working to resurrect the version of Ed that might love him back, even if it’s a horrific, harmful kind of love. It’s not even what Izzy truly wants, but he’ll take it over nothing at all.

So, a final, failed attempt at tenderness with Ed is just the nail in the coffin. Izzy knows by now that Ed doesn’t want anything he’s tried to give him—not the devotion, not protection from himself, not Izzy’s horrifically warped attempts at compassion for Ed’s “pet”—so at this point he’ll simply take whatever he can get. He’s going to work hard (again) to make Ed Blackbeard because Blackbeard is at least willing to gift Izzy with violence. He’ll take the touch of a hand around his neck, or one stuffing his own toe in his mouth, over no touch at all. Now, is Izzy’s desire for Ed’s attention, no matter what form that takes, capable of withstanding whatever the Kraken might dish out in season two? That remains to be seen. It might seem like a small thing, but I’m rather intrigued by Izzy asking if he should “summon the boy [Lucius] to take notes” after Ed maims him because since when is that a part of their dynamic? Lucius taking notes is Stede’s form of captaining and at the very least, having Lucius in the room would disrupt any continued intimacy of Izzy and Ed being alone together. Yet it’s the first thing Izzy says, automatic, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s a hint as to the influence the crew of The Revenge has had on him, however small—evidence that the healthier version of Izzy isn’t completely lost, even as he deliberately stokes Blackbeard’s unique brand of “love.” Sure, sure, writing-wise it’s an easy way to have Ed tell Izzy he killed him— even to reinforce that murderous Blackbeard is really back—but I do still wonder. Personally, I’d love for things to get dark enough that even Izzy is forced to acknowledge that his twisted crush isn’t worth the consequences. Izzy will maroon all of Stede’s crew, throw out all the ship’s treasure, even suffer a small maiming… but if the Kraken is callous with Blackbeard’s crew? More importantly, if the Kraken truly threatens Izzy’s life? That might be different. Izzy has already announced that he will not die for him and given the hints that he secretly wants something softer, I can’t imagine him breaking that promise for the most violent version of Ed we’ve seen to date.

For now though, the desire to keep Ed close, in whatever capacity that might look like, has led to Izzy putting aside his rule-based approach for manipulation. Like the "Is Izzy queerphobic?” question, this is another “Yes, but it’s complicated” situation. Is Izzy, generally speaking, a manipulative person? No. 99% of the time he’s straightforward to the point of bluntness. If he wants Stede gone he’s going to challenge him to a duel. If he wants the help of former enemies he’s going to ask for it. If he wants those hostages he’s going to go buy them, etc. However, not being a manipulative person most of the time isn’t the same thing as never having manipulated at all. The two times I would point to are Izzy acting as a messenger boy between Ed and Stede at the start of the story and later when he’s trying to convince Ed to put Stede down. The latter is the most overt example imo, where Izzy deliberately lies and withholds information to try and achieve his preferred outcome. He doesn’t tell Stede that it’s Blackbeard who wants to see him, leading to the ignorant “go suck eggs in hell” comment. Then Izzy misrepresents the conversation to Ed with, “I explicitly said Blackbeard desired his company.” And this Stede Bonnet knows who Blackbeard is? "Seemed to.” The intention is to piss Ed off because from Izzy’s perspective, Blackbeard is a man who values his reputation above all else—something he has decent reason to believe, given moments like Ed freaking out because “Blackbeard doesn’t go treasure hunting!”—so surely, if this Gentleman Pirate were to have deliberately slung an insult his way, Blackbeard would be furious. Instead, the plan backfires when Ed instead finds Stede’s response to be “fascinating.” Izzy, who is not bored with the life they lead, can’t fathom that something as unexpected as an insult would be thrilling rather than rage-inducing.

Slightly less devious (but still emotionally manipulative) is Izzy trying to use Ed’s previous decisions against him. When it becomes clear that Ed won’t murder Stede—that he won’t keep his promise— Izzy gathers backup and plays the hypocrite card. You said we couldn’t have pets on the ship. You made Fang kill his beloved dog before he joined. What’s Stede Bonnet if not the human version of a pet? He’s certainly no pirate. So, what’s it going to be, Captain? Can you adhere to the same rules you’ve laid out for your crew? Well… no. We learn in this very episode that Ed holds his crew to a different standard than he does himself, if the standard in question is displays of violence. Ed admits to Stede that ever since the murder of his father he’s never outright killed anyone. Oh, he’ll maim plenty, or create situations where people die of adjacent causes, but any actual, straightforward act is outsourced to his crew; someone else can flay the man with the snail fork and throw him overboard. Ed has a “Do as I say, not as I do” approach to captaining because, as established, the expectations attached to Blackbeard’s reputation aren’t truly things that Ed wants to enforce, at least not all the time. Indeed, just two weeks into his stay on The Revenge, fourteen days in Stede’s company, and Ed appears confused when Izzy brings up the no pets policy. I did that? I made Fang kill his dog? Shit, that’s fucked up, man.

Izzy: “You said the love of a pet makes a man weak.”

Ed: “I said that?”

Frankly, I don’t think Izzy cares much about the pet policy either, or even the hypocrisy of Ed’s orders. After all, he couldn’t have failed to notice Ed’s less than murder-y intentions over the years. To his mind, a good First Mate takes care of all the things their Captain might have trouble with, including offering to kill Stede himself. Izzy’s love language is unquestionably acts of service and he’s at his most loving while standing near the railing with Ed, leaning in close, expression tragically earnest as he says, “I’ll happily end it.” And Izzy would be happy, not just because he lives to serve Ed, but because that perception of service has extended past what Ed explicitly asks for and into the realm of what Izzy thinks he needs. Or at least, what he needs to remain the kind of Captain that would keep Izzy Hands as a First Mate. Hence, manipulation. Based on how he acts, Izzy has presumably spent a lifetime being terrified of intimacy (something that, frankly, only comes about from neglect). The cycle of abuse touches all characters, not just those whose trauma has surfaced in palatable ways, so it’s no wonder that Izzy would fall in love with a reputation that both eschews those softer emotions and upholds a violent, hyper-masculine presentation, all while Ed’s softer side remains a tantalizing, just out of reach possibility. Blackbeard allows Izzy to indulge in fantasies without actually confronting his repression, or engaging in the emotional work of admitting what he might truly want (a man, a soft touch, someone to extend loyalty to him in turn, etc.) Of course Izzy would do anything he could think of to keep that “love” around, having no idea how to possibly go about achieving anything else. You certainly don’t have to feel for the guy, but after all that I personally do.

And as I scroll through the numerous Izzy posts (great job, everyone, keep it up) I’ve noticed the growing trend of reassuring our tumblr audience that yes, we do indeed know he’s a horrible person and yes, we definitely want to see him suffer! Honestly, I think 99% of that is just good fandom fun couched in tumblr’s particular brand of humor. “I want to pickle him,” “I want to watch him eat another toe in HD,” “Izzy Hands execution squad ftw,” etc. Watching the fucked up character continue to be fucked up and experience fucked up consequences for his fucked up decisions just makes for fantastic television, and celebrating his fucked-up-ness with the rest of the community is its own form of fun. I have absolutely no doubt that the vast majority of OFMD fans are chill about this— whether they legitimately dislike Izzy or not—but I’ve been in fandom spaces long enough to recognize the stirrings of moral judgement. Amidst all the playful jabbing, there’s an undercurrent of real, “You can’t actually like Izzy. You know he’s problematic, right? How dare you enjoy something that’s not 100% pure!”

I’m here to say that yeah, I actually like Izzy both because of and in spite of him being supremely fucked up.

See, I have this little thing where I dislike anyone gatekeeping growth. I absolutely love Izzy being the queerphobic gay who manipulates Ed into becoming the worst version of himself because that’s entertaining to watch in my downtime, but I would ultimately like Izzy to unlearn at least some of that toxic behavior because I’m a softie and, you know, that’s the underlying theme of the whole show. OFMD says that anyone can become a happier, healthier person provided they’re given the support to do so: Stede can apologize to Mary and leave his old life behind, Ed can (we currently assume) come back from his time as the Kraken, Pete can learn to stop touting traditional displays of masculinity, Jim can put their family’s obsession with revenge aside to instead choose love, and so on and so forth. In a show where we laugh off a wife about to skewer her husband’s brain, or the ship full of people Ed torched, why would Izzy and his actions—even when they feel quite personal—be the exception? Why would his horrific acts be the line in the sad amidst a cast who has likewise committed horrific acts? Purely because the show needs someone to act as the antagonist? Characters like Badminton and Calico Jack show that there are plenty of ways to achieve conflict, even within the realm of “Male characters representing different forms of toxic masculinity.” As a core member of the group—the found family, if you will—Izzy deserves to unlearn the lessons taught to him by the very society the show is challenging, precisely because he’s the most entrenched in it. He’s the one who needs the most help. Stede starts the show off by saying that the guys are sweethearts, actually, they’re just dealing with a fair bit of trauma. Blackbeard is introduced as someone who has torn through the pirate world, leaving fear and devastation in his wake… but treat him kindly and you’ve got another sweetheart underneath. Putting aside how I wouldn’t want Izzy to become a literal sweetheart (he’s much funnier as an asshole), do we really think he’s the only exception to the concept of self-improvement?

If this question sounds at all familiar, it’s probably because you watched The Good Place. Simply put, Izzy is Brent Norwalk.

If you’re not aware, Brent is… well, the Fucking Worst. He comes into the afterlife (where the show is set) a racist, sexist, completely narcissistic individual who, over the course of the season, appears to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. In fact, the show goes so far as to say that he becomes worse despite the others’ best efforts to improve him… up until one, crucial moment when he begins to apologize. It’s nothing staggering. Hell, by a decent person’s standards the bar is flattened on the floor here, but it’s still an improvement. Brent doesn’t magically become a great guy—by the end of the series he’s still working on teeny, tiny, incremental change—but the fact that he changes at all is what matters. The Good Place says that anyone, absolutely anyone, can become a better person provided they’re given the support to do so. It might take them an incredibly long time to get there, their version of improvement might not meet your personal expectations, but everyone is capable of moving in the right direction. That’s Izzy. Or at least, I think it should be. Though OFMD is a good enough show that I certainly wouldn’t crucify it for going in a different direction (especially when the focus is largely on the rom-com elements between Stede and Ed), at the end of the day I think this message is important enough to apply to the tougher characters, not just those like Black Pete who throw out an iffy opinion before improving off screen. If the show says, “Men can unlearn toxic masculinity, break the cycle of abuse, and find happiness” but then follows that up with, “except for the guy who is most entrenched in those beliefs and most in need of that help” then, frankly, it feels like the message has failed.

And yes, there are plenty of push-backs to that. I can already see the replies about how damaging Izzy’s presence is and how the others shouldn’t suffer just to try and help him; sometimes you need to put your own mental health first (true). Or that this isn’t how the world works, you can’t just hug the problems out of some people; Izzy is dangerous and no one needs to put up with that shit (also true). But my response to anything along those lines is… it’s fiction? OFMD is about love and hope and the enjoyment of tropes over realism. This is the show that has Stede impossibly find his crew on the island because it’s Emotionally Fulfilling and a Good Metaphor. We expect the red cloth to impossibly make its way back to Ed because that’s Very Romantic and Also A Good Metaphor. OFMD has nuance, but that’s not the same thing as being concerned with gritty, hard-hitting realism. Izzy should “impossibly” grow into a better person—even if he remains a bad person compared to everyone else—because that’s a satisfying arc that upholds the lesson OFMD is trying to convey, not because it’s a result we’re likely to see in real life. Yes, some characters exist purely to be antagonists and/or don’t last long enough to undergo that kind of change. Nigel Badminton is an example of such a character, someone whose purpose in the narrative is to establish the criticism Stede faces for how he presents himself and then die as a means of furthering Stede’s development. But Badminton isn’t complex in the way Izzy is, he’s the exact same person he was as a child: shooting cannonballs at Stede’s ship where he once threw rocks at his dinghy. The fact that he can’t confirm them as pirates due to a lack of a flag and has a man observing the “heavyset woman” on board “cowering” from their attack, just reinforces that this is simply a new, more powerful form of bullying. Years later and Badminton has yet to change, not in the ways that Izzy still might. Why should Izzy get that chance instead? Because he’s a main character and, frankly, because the fandom likes him. Con is great at his job and has the talent to pull such an arc off, especially with everything discussed above already in place. Yes, there’s absolutely something to be said for artistic vision—if Jenkins has a different direction he’s set on, I say go for it. I’m perfectly capable of separating my personal preferences from another great writing choice—but television is a medium that evolves from season to season, often in response to the audience’s reaction to previous material. There’s merit in observing the fandom’s interest in the character and going, “Okay, this is someone we’re not going to just toss aside with a redemptive death, or whatever.” Izzy is both popular enough and complex enough to pull off some kind of redemption (I have no desire to specify what), and if anyone is inclined to get into how real life Izzys don’t work like this, claiming that writing such an arc sets a dangerous precedent (or whatever the argument du jour is), then they’ve missed the part where this is a show about talking seagulls, knife-throwing nuns, and the Power Of Love And Self-Acceptance. OFMD has made it very clear where its priorities lie and they’re definitely not with cohesive realism or historical accuracy.

Also, let’s be real. People are like, “Oh, but if Izzy gets therapy and stops being quite so destructive then he won’t be funny anymore :(” and I’m “?????” at that take every time. Sorry, but there’s nothing funnier to me than the potential for this gremlin man to develop respect, healthy coping mechanisms, la de da, and hating every goddamn moment of it. Can you imagine an Izzy forced to come to terms with the fact that Stede is a wonderful and competent human being? That maybe he likes some of the things he originally eschewed due to internalized queerphobia? Getting a(nother) dressing down from Lucius + a “You’re gay, babe” pep talk? Even just a final season where he’s begrudgingly still on The Revenge, everyone bitching that he’s still an asshole, but dammit, he’s their asshole? I know you all can imagine it because I’ve been reading the fics and if you haven’t joined me in that, just picture Ted Lasso’s Roy Kent screaming “FUCK” every time Jamie forces him to confront his internalized biases. Izzy can become the feral cat the crew domesticates. It’ll be great.

Also, not to finish this off with a bit of semi-canonical justification because The Discourse of any fandom is terrifying (and I’m covering my bases as a result), but I was both intrigued and reassured by the interview given by Vico Ortiz to Entertainment. In it they say that they’d be “curious to explore my relationship with Izzy Hands,” at first simply because Izzy is clearly the most competent fighter on Blackbeard’s crew, Jim is the most competent on Stede’s, so it would be interesting if they could interact in that respect. However, they then go on to talk about Jim’s “daddy issues” because they lost their father early on and “So it’s like, is Izzy… Can something happen [with] Izzy? Right? The same way that Olu opened up Jim, Jim open’s up Izzy… Kind of challenge that dynamic.” It’s not a connection I’d considered before but yeah, I’d love to see that too. Or any other version of the show where someone helps Izzy begin to work through his problems rather than allowing them to continually fester. What would it look like if a character like Olu applied the same emotional work to Izzy? Or Lucius? Ed and Stede as a team? Regardless of whether anything like that happens, I’m glad the actors are thinking about such things. From Con gleefully retweeting erotic Izzy fanart (god bless that man) to the costume detailing of the ring he wears on his cravat, I’m personally thrilled to see that everyone involved is considering the complexities of Izzy’s emotional arc, rather than simply going, “He’s an abusive asshole, find someone better to stan,” as some in the fandom have done. Izzy is already a fascinating character, largely because of how fucked up he is, but I don’t think he need be limited to self-destruction alone.

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The Garbage Heap of Miscellaneous Thoughts

This section is precisely what it says on the tin: a disorganized list of observations, theories, and funny (to me, anyway) thoughts I had while working on this project, but that didn’t otherwise fit into the meta proper. There’s no rhyme or reason to their order except for some vague alphabetizing.

Absolutely loving that when Jim goes after their revenge it’s (unintentionally) for their birth family and their found family. Yes, Geraldo is the means by which Jim hopes to find the gang members, but he’s also the one that turned them over to the Spanish… and then he’s a gang member himself! It’s a great little twist after Olu has just told Jim that he could be family too. Jim goes after the guy that hurt their birth family and their ship family simultaneously, fuck yeah.

As “High on a Rocky Ledge” plays at the end of our pilot episode, the line “How many times I’ve been up to see her, goodness knows” plays as Jim is removing their disguise. I enjoy this timing both because (at this point in the story) we believe a “her” is being revealed, and because “knows” aligns almost perfectly with Jim taking their fake nose off.

Based on Buttons’ comment at the start of the “We Gull Way Back,” I think the split between Ed and Stede takes place during a full moon (as does Karl’s death, paralleling the short-term “death” of the relationship). This show is interested enough in fairy tale/fantasy allusions that it feels like there’s something there, though I haven’t quite teased out what yet. Perhaps just the tradition of the world going a bit mad during a full moon: Ed is choosing Jack over Stede and doesn’t that just tell us there’s something very, very wrong afoot? As Buttons says, this is “the big night.”

I always go 👀👀👀 when I see a shot that implies some kind of metaphorical imprisonment. Putting Jack between the two pieces of sugarcane (bamboo? Idk plants) while Stede is framed freely during a conversation about Ed, romance, and friendship feels pretty telling.

If Izzy’s love language is acts of service, then Ed’s is physical touch (he reaches out to Stede with his foot because his hands are bound!!) Someday I hope an awesome vid-maker will cut together all the times Ed touches Stede and I humbly offer a contrast to include: the horrible way he flinches when one of the aristocrats tries to touch his beard.

I haven’t seen enough people talk yet about Roach sleeping with a bag of onions and honestly? That’s a travesty. Roach/Onions OTP.

I kinda want a fic of “The Art of Fuckery” purely from Stede’s perspective because can you imagine how confused the guy must be about Izzy at this point? Neither of them have been off to a good start—“Asshole.” “Twat.”—yet suddenly Izzy is helping Stede talk Ed into toying with the Dutch. He doesn’t know about the murder plan, so Stede is all “maybe I misjudged you.” Then Izzy continues the supposed good will by giving Stede a pep-talk in the library and sure, he calls him a little shit, but that’s just Izzy for you. Stede even repeats Izzy’s advice to “plumb the depths” for their fuckery. They’re finally getting along! (Sort of.) But THEN Izzy challenges him to a formal duel?? Stede doesn’t know wtf is going on, no more than his crew does after both their captains got drafted into the Navy, then only Ed showed back up without his beard, hid in his room for a couple days, started a talent show, before suddenly marooning half the crew, then Stede shows up again in a dinghy sporting a new look. We hit the halfway mark for the season and everyone is confused all of the time.

I’m in love with the composition of the shot when Lucius passes out. To quote tumblr (because I don’t have an education in art), "this looks like a renaissance painting.”

I want to know what happened to the nice hostage Stede was trying to sell in “A Damned Man.” He was so reassuring about Stede breaking the nose jar! He was having so much fun posing in front of the skeleton too! Here’s hoping Ed put him on the Queen Anne’s Revenge and he’ll show up again in season two.

Izzy is a pufferfish. That’s it, that’s the bullet point. He examines one in Ed’s cabin and my brain went, “Ah yes, the tiny character who blows themselves up to look bigger, surrounding themselves with deadly spikes so nothing dangerous gets too close. Noted.”

Jim had a brother :( He was presumably killed alongside their father, but given that Jim apparently blacked out for a time, I wonder if later seasons will reveal that he actually survived.

Playing Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain” over Ed’s return is absolutely inspired. “Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night / Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies / Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light / And if you don’t love me now / You will never love me again / I can still hear you saying / You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)” mmHMM GOOD SHIT.

Red is Ed’s color. The silk swatch (obviously), the robe he wears (even though Stede is more often seen in the yellow one. Yeah, I know this is the “breakup” robe, but there’s a distinct move away from the yellow one, which Ed initially cuddles with in the bath), the library he adores is decked out in reds, it’s the color of the curtains Ed is encased with when he gives into fear and comes clean about his father’s murder… Insert established themes about blood and romance here.

Something I’d recommend for any fan is a re-watch where you focus on whatever the hell Jim is doing in the background. Vico is great. They have this little smile when their nana wonders who the hell would agree to be paid in oranges like, “Yeah, those are my idiots.” Despite being the biggest badass of Stede’s crew they freak the fuck out when Ed has his little smoke performance, pulling out a knife, but then proceeding to run around like a chicken with their head cut off. They are so into the later fuckery, absolutely living for pulling sausages out of some dummy’s body. And their expression when Stede manages to win the duel against Izzy is perfection. Seriously. I can’t recommend it enough.

Sorry, but the fandom is sleeping on Frenchie’s, “Bit of fanfiction, for Captain Bonnet… Yeah, huge fan. Can’t stop imagining him in all kinds of scenarios!”

There might be some foreshadowing/a small twist in how Lucius is constantly in danger and yet always manages to escape (mostly) unscathed… up until he supposedly dies by being thrown overboard at the very end. A dying man smears blood on the front of Lucius’ coat, marking him. Jim swears to kill him for what he’s seen. Frenchie is sure he’s been killed when Lucius is kept inside the trunk. He gets a raging infection from Buttons’ bite, but a quick chop makes it all better. And he’s the only non-Izzy character able to tell Blackbeard off without getting stabbed in the face. For the record, I don’t actually think Lucius is dead this time either (he’s hiding in the walls!), it’s just interesting that the possibility is there for a character who has otherwise made a hobby of shrugging off dangerous situations. And when he does turn up, that’ll continue the pattern.

The black cravat/scarf thing that Mary wears throughout “Wherever You Go, There You Are” seems similar to what Stede wore before Ed stole it for himself (if a tad longer). Idk, I’m just having feelings about loved ones connected through clothing, not just the obvious boyfriend angle that Stede and Ed have going on, but a more generalized connection among family—whether that connection is romantic or not.

There’s some meta-theme of storytelling here that I haven’t unpacked yet. Beyond the fact that Stede’s adventure follows the (non)-logic of a fairy tale, I’m interested in the actual act of record keeping throughout the first season. Stede wants to immortalize his time as a pirate through Lucius’ writing, but does so in an inauthentic way: tearing out the page discussing the mutiny and we have Badminton reading the complete fantasy that was his brother’s death. Stede wants history to remember only the good bits and for those good bits to be especially badass (Badminton begged for mercy! Soiled himself! I stole the sword right out of his hand!) but in the end it’s his most ridiculous “raid” of the fishing boat that saves him, establishing Stede Bonnet as a “proper” pirate in the process. Idk where I’m going with this. Something, something how do you find truth in a fictional story?

Unalphabetized final note: considering that I’ve spent over 30,000 words loving this show with my entire being, I thought I’d end things on the teeny, tinniest criticism. Which is, OFMD should trust its audience a little more. I noticed throughout the rewatch that the show utilizes flashbacks, a lot, most of which show us what Stede is currently thinking about and, more importantly, clue us in to how the present connects to the themes of the story. But like… in a super obvious way and I guarantee that most viewers get it without that level of hand-holding. To provide just one example, Badminton’s speech to Stede before he accidentally shoots himself is peppered with previously established traumas. Badminton says Stede defiled his brother? Flashback to Nigel Badminton with a sword through his face. His family? Flashback to the awkward portrait being painted. Blackbeard? An Ed with no beard. “God’s perfect little rich boy”? Flashback to flowers and blood and his father’s anger. It’s a stylistic choice and, frankly, not one I dislike for this particular scene… if the rest of the season weren’t already peppered with such moments, cropping up every time they’re even remotely relevant. I want to take Jenkins’ face gently in my hands and go, “It’s okay. Your audience is smart. I promise they know the significance of this dialogue without a roadmap to every pertinent scene. And if they don’t? The discovery of that is amazing. That’s analysis. Let your viewers make the connections for themselves… otherwise great job :)”

━━━━━━━━┛ ✠ ┗━━━━━━━━

Conclusion (AKA When I Finally Rest)

“Conclusion” implies that I have closing arguments to make, but I think I’ve done enough writing for a while lol. I don’t know if I’ll write more OFMD meta in the future (probably), but if I do, I’ll likely use this post as a touchstone for additional thoughts. Like the others, this will live on the “Metas” page of my blog until such a time as tumblr decides to crash for good.

Until then, if you’ve made it this far then you have my heartfelt thanks, my undying love, and my hope that you have the best possible day.

I salute you, dear reader!

#Our Flag Means Death #OFMD #OFMD Meta #blackbonnet #Izzy Hands #Stede Bonnet #Ed Teach #Blackbeard #mymetas

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emeraldbabygirl · 2 years

Text

Untitled pt.2

Genre: smut, and super super fluffness overload uwu

Warnings/kinks: it’s a lil sad in the beginning but it’s okay! It gets better! mentions of body and self esteem issues, chubby reader, virgin reader, female reader, experienced kyubin 👉👈 It’s like a full on walk through of the entire sexual experience so a lot of kissing, UNPROTECTED HAND HOLDING, like kind of breast worship? a little bit, light nipple play, lil love bites uwu, A Guide to the Handjob: For Beginners, some light finger blasting, that one cunny licking word that ion how to spell but I wanted it to sound nicer than “pussy eating” PROTECC THE PEEN DURING THE SIDEWAYS DOLPHIN, so many pet names (I went overboard because I am a slut) ITS REALLY SWEET AND CUTE SEX NOT ROUGH AND A LOT OF CUTE TOUCHING AND THINGS

Length: it’s the longest fic I’ve ever written so if you don’t like long texts don’t read because I have no idea how many words she’ll have when I’m done. It’s probably over 4000 I’m gonna throw that number out there.

AN: I JUST WANT TO THANK THE LOVELY @enhyp3nen FOR SUGGESTING A PART 2 IM GONNA BE SCREAMING THE ENTIRE TIME I WRITE THIS OMG I CANNOT SKSKSKSKK SKRRT! So yes thank you for this suggestion and I hope you like this part just as much as the first! Btw we need more Kyubin specific writings of any and every kind HE IS THE SUN UGH. I’m love him and he just..ok let’s get on with it uwu! P.S since this is literally my life’s work I would really love if I got feedback on it. I do think it’s one of my best fics but I know it’s not totally perfect so I’ve anyone wants to say something nice about it please don’t say it’s horrible I will cry this took me like...idk months. But no pressure if you don’t want to say anything. Like if you just like it that’s cool too 👉👈

It was exactly eight at night when you came into the living room. Just as you had hoped, there was your wonderful boyfriend Kyubin sitting on the couch watching tv.

Tonight you were finally going to initiate sex for the very first time in your relationship. After what happened in the shower that one time you worked your very hardest to feel better about yourself and put more trust in Kyubin. He had given you the whole ‘love yourself’ talk so many times you finally listened to his advice and put his words and that talk to good use. You stepped up and stepped out of your comfort zone a few times which surprised your boyfriend but the way he got excited and happy to see you become more confident in yourself and the way he praised you even more made you truly want to take the next step. He never stopped telling you he was going to support you through all the things you did.

You took a deep breath and approached him. You still weren’t confident enough to entice him with any special lingerie but since this was such a big step for you you didn’t think it mattered. You spent hours before now in the bathroom, showering, making sure your legs were shaved and smooth, shaving other parts of you body; you didn’t want to look like a gorilla. You sprayed on just a little bit of perfume to hopefully mask the nervous sweat before changing into clean clothes. One of Kyubin’s t-shirts and a pair of shorts that you mostly wore around when Kyubin was not home. Super soft pink shorts with a ribbon tied in the front. You didn’t want to overdo yourself but you wanted to look good for him to the best of your ability. Your hair was still a bit wet as you tucked it behind your ear. You opted to keeping it lose instead of the go-to ponytail it was always in. Like you said, you wanted to look good but in a comfortable way.

“Kyubin,” you called out trying your very best to sound clear and confident. You wanted to be able to communicate well with your boyfriend especially now. There was no backing down from this tonight. You had worked so hard to get to where you are now and nothing was going to get in your way. Kyubin turned to you and as he did you started blushing like crazy. His eyes were widening slightly at the sight. A comforting smile spread across his beautiful face, the kind that always gave your tummy butterflies. Your heartbeat was speeding up and your mind was starting to get mushy with every and any thought going through your head.

“Hey baby,” Kyubin repositioned himself on the couch and held his hand out for you. You gave a small smile and joined him on the couch. “Look at you baby. Oh, are you out of clean clothes? I can do some laundry?” Kyubin questioned. His hand went up to cup your now beat red face. His thumb very slowly caressed your cheek. “Kyubin,” you began. You were suddenly extremely nervous. Why did Kyubin think you were out of clean clothes? Did he think you were dressed like a slob? He wouldn’t really think that would he, it was just a question. I mean he’s never seen you in anything other than pants. Mostly sweats. Despite all the cute skirts and dresses you had in your closet you never wore them. Negative thoughts started to gather in your head but you pushed them back. ‘One step at a time’ you thought to yourself.

“I wanted to wear shorts. I usually only wear them when you aren’t home..but tonight I wanted to..” you stopped your sentence. Kyubin shifted so his body was facing you, his right arm around the back of the couch and his left hand slowly resting on your thigh. Not on the skin but just on top of your shirt. It was awfully long anyway. Kyubin’s hand was warm on your thigh, when you looked down his large hand looked very small against your thighs that were, well, big. His thumb moved slowly along the cotton material of the shirt.

When you looked up at Kyubin again there was a loving and comforting look across his entire face, his eyes were locked on yours, a small very slight twinkle that only comes out when he looks at you. It made you smile a little wider. “You look very cute my love.” Every time Kyubin called you a sweet nickname like this you felt your heart burst out of your chest and you fought every urge to kiss him. You’ve never even made out with your boyfriend until you were in the shower with him. It drove you crazy that you couldn’t just be intimate with him whenever. You unconsciously looked down beginning to wring your hands. You did this when you started to get nervous or if you were about to cry. What a shame it was that you happened to be doing both right now. This wasn’t the way you wanted it to go. You wanted to be confident in asking him and now you just seemed pathetic.

“Hey,” Kyubin lightly grabbed your chin and lifted it up so your eyes met his. “You look cute. It’s very big of you to wear something like shorts with me in the house. Especially since you’re always in sweatpants all the time.” Kyubin chuckles causing you to laugh a little. “I know I say this all the time but you are absolutely stunning. You are my beautiful girlfriend no matter what and I will continue to tell you until you believe it yourself.” Kyubin spoke softly but clearly making sure you heard his every word. He wiped your tears away with his thumb.

This was it. You should speak up now while you and Kyubin are having this talk. Remember, one step at a time? You can do this. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly you opened your mouth. “Kyubin, I dressed up for you. Well, kind of. Tonight..” you paused. Could you do this? Were you really ready like you thought you were? You reached up and grabbed Kyubin’s hand that was cupping your cheek and lowered it into your lap. You held his hand with both your hands, running your thumb over the back of his hand. You made eye contact with Kyubin, you did all you could to keep the tears at bay, the nerves shooting through your body like electricity.

Kyubin’s other hand was lightly patting your head. He said nothing but waited so patiently for you to continue. “Kyubin,” you repeat his name once again. “I want to have sex tonight.” You did it. You finally said it. Your face was so hot and you were starting to nervous sweat but you did it. You were expecting Kyubin to be happy at your confession but he looked sad and a little confused. You looked into his eyes for any confirmation that he heard anything you just said. What if he changed his mind and didn’t want to have sex with you? What if-

“Are you sure you are ready?” Kyubin interrupted your thoughts. He placed the hand that wasn’t been held by you over yours and you let him hold your hands in his. “I haven’t pressured you too much have I? Are you feeling bad because we haven’t gotten intimate?” You shook your head. “No it’s not that. Kyubin..I’ve been working on myself these past couple months and..and I want to show you that I’m ready to be intimate with you. Kyubin, I want to have sex and make love to you. I want to feel good and make you feel good and just have fun with you sexually. I’m ready.” Your voice wavered because of nerves but you did your best to sound confident. Kyubin sat there for a moment. He was thinking, you could tell because his eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were locked on something spacing out. He did that when he was thinking, you thought it was sexy to be really honest. Then he unexpectedly pulled you into a hug. His big arms held you and you smiled but started to tear up. Were you still nervous or were you happy and relieved? Maybe you were scared of what was to come.

When he pulled away he held your face with both his hands and brought his lips to yours for a quick kiss. “I’m so fucking proud of you my love. So so proud.” You smiled leaning into Kyubin’s hand. Kyubin rose to his feet and held his hand out once again to help you up. You got this sudden surge of excitement that you couldn’t help but let out a giggle. You loved that he was actually happy about your confession and that he was so proud of you. Your hard work really did pay off. He grabbed your hand as you walked slowly to your bedroom. Whenever you glanced at him he looked at you with that huge and wholesome smile. He couldn’t stop smiling.

When you got to the bed he sat you down right in the middle gently. It was the next step. The two of you in each other’s presence just a couple articles of clothing away from molding your bodies together in sweet sweet bliss. Just the thought of it alone had your head spinning. And then you had a negative thought. You would be completely naked and exposed in front of him. This time it wasn’t in the shower and you were actually going to go further than kissing. What if he changed his mind in the middle of it? What if he pulled another stunt like he did in the shower. Memories flooded back into your mind of how he turned into some type of lust craving animal and it terrified you, the way his lips attacked your wet skin and his hands had a mind of their own. You started to cry. This was definitely not how you wanted things to go at all.

“Y/n, my love. Look at me.” Kyubin tucked your hair behind your ear waiting for your eyes to meet with his. He gave a small smile. “It’s okay to be nervous. It’s okay to feel a little uneasy. It’s okay that you are scared. Everything will be alright I promise you that. I will take care of you alright? You have my word.” You broke a smile. Kyubin really was the best and most wonderful man in your entire life. The sweetest boyfriend.

“Communication is super important from here on out okay. You have the wheel, let me know how everything is along the way alright? You are in charge okay? Just promise me one thing,” Kyubin gently held the back of your head and brought his forehead to yours. You could smell his scent and it helped calm you down. “If at any time you get uncomfortable you tell me. If at any time no matter how far along we are, you want to stop you tell me and I will stop. If you need a break you tell me, if you need anything at all you open that pretty mouth of yours and tell me nice and clear with your words you understand me?”

You nodded. This dominant side of Kyubin was so hot and you could honestly say it was a huge turn on. Knowing that he would take care of you in the bedroom was something that you never dreamed would happen. It made your heart go crazy. “Communication y/n, use your words. I need to hear that you understand.” Your breathing became heavy your eyelids were closing. You felt a warm sensation through your entire body. Was this you being turned on? “Y-Yes. I understand Kyubin. I will Kyuuu~” You couldn’t focus on anything anymore your brain was turning into mush and so were your words.

You opened you eyes and were met with Kyubin’s, the sparkle that he always had while looking at you even brighter. “I’m gonna love you so much tonight, make you feel amazing, help you explore that beautiful body of yours. I’ll take care of you my love.” He said cupping your face gently. You wanted to dive right in a start kissing him on his pretty lips but you had a pit at the bottom of your stomach. Something was bothering you and you needed to talk to Kyubin about it. You didn’t know if you felt guilty or angry or scared but you had to say something now before things got too far.

“Um, Kyubin. C-can we talk. About what happened in the shower?” Your voice wasn’t very convincing, it sounded weak and scared but Kyubin understood all the thoughts and emotions going through you and he knew that you were trying your best tonight. He nodded resting his hand gently on your thigh. You let out a deep breath before you continued. “What happened Kyu?” It took a moment for him to answer, he was probably gathering his thoughts. He was surprised that you brought it up in fact. Kyubin figured you pushed it behind you but it looks like it was still bothering you.

Kyubin sighed. “I don’t know.” His voice sounded confused and unsure. He wouldn’t look at you. For a moment you wondered if he himself attempted to push the situation to the back of his mind like you did. Did it even bother him? And why was he not looking at you when he had all night? “I don’t know..” he said again. His head was down and he removed his hands from your thigh and began messing with his fingers like what you do when you get fidgety or anxious. Like you did earlier before you cried. You didn’t know what was going on and so you placed your hand on his arm and that’s when your sweet boyfriend Kyubin looked up at you with teary eyes. Your heart sank a bit seeing him like this.

You wondered if he was capable of having a panic attack. Was he having one right now? What was going on in that brain of his. His eyes shifted around the room his bottom lip quivering. He shook his head before finally meeting your eyes.

“I don’t know. I don’t know I- something just came over me like I was turning into some animal and and I couldn’t stop myself. It was like I was in a trance.” Kyubin’s hands were shaking and you quickly grabbed them and ran circles over the back of his hands with your thumbs. Clear tears fell down Kyubin’s cheeks every time he blinked. His eyes kept looking down and around the room. “I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know if I was in the moment and just wanted to have you because I was feeling impatient. I don’t know if I was frustrated with you for not trusting me and I just wanted to force you to get intimate..”

You placed one of your hands against Kyubin’s cheek so his head would stay in one place. You didn’t say anything because you knew Kyubin wasn’t done talking so you just listened trying your best not to choke up over his words and stay calm for him. This was something you’d never seen from Kyubin. He was showing a very shy and vulnerable side of him and you needed to be there for him in this moment.

“When I saw the horrified look in your eyes and you pushed me away I couldn’t deal with myself I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t know why I hurt you and took advantage of you like that when I knew that you were not ready for anything like that. I knew you were hurting and I’m so so sorry that I just turned into a monster that night. I wanted to hold you immediately and explain everything and apologize and I wanted you to be ok but I wanted to give you space. I felt horrible and I still do. I’m sorry darling I really am.” You scooted a bit closer to wrap your arms around Kyubin. He was warm and smelled nice and he found it comforting to be held in your arms for once. “Kyubin, I trust you more than anyone in my life. When you did that I was worried that you got tired of waiting for me and you felt like you had to rush it. It was scary Kyubin. You won’t lose control like that tonight. Will you?” You whispered choking up.

Kyubin quickly pulled away from you holding your face in his hands. “No. No absolutely not, I will never pull anything like that ever again my love I promise you I never will. No tonight I will take care of you and it will be much different from what happened then I promise. I never want to hurt you like that again.” Kyubin slightly rubbed his nose against yours both of you now in tears from the talk. You were now confident and even more trusting of Kyubin. You slowly pressed your lips into his. It was sudden but Kyubin slowly relaxed his body one of his hands staying on your cheek the other gently twirling some of your hair around his finger before placing that hand on your upper arm. His lips were so soft and warm on yours. It felt good and calming and you were very much enjoying this kiss.

Kyubin slowly pulled away and looked into your eyes before kissing you again. A little longer this time. You let your hand roam up his chest where they found home in his beautiful hair. You didn’t pull on his hair but you did run your hand through it feeling his soft locks in between your fingertips. The kiss was so sweet and he was so gentle. Pulling away slowly blushing just to go back in and taste your lips over and over. Kyubin loved the way you small lips molded into his. He kept the kiss at a gentle and slow pace just enjoying this new moment for both of you. He was finally kissing his pretty girl like this for the first time. It made his heart swell up. When he pulled away again he looked at you. Your bottom lip curling in to become trapped between your teeth. The pink on your cheeks making you look even more adorable.

Your eyes looked up at him. Kyubin’s heart was pounding so loud he was sure you could hear it. Without another thought you kissed Kyubin a little more intensely. Your hands were now placed on his chest, your fingers curling to grip his shirt. Kyubin was taken aback when you slowly pushed your tongue into his mouth. Parting his lips as your soft tongue touched his. Kyubin was in another world. He could’ve gotten drunk off of this kiss. He tested the waters, pushing your tongue back with his it was his turn to enter your mouth. Kyubin could’ve sworn he heard a faint moan as his tongue moved around your soft and small mouth. Both your eyes were shut so tight just enjoying the moment and each other. This continued, letting each other explore one another’s mouths with their tongues feeling how soft y/n’s mouth was and the way her tongue tickled when it entered Kyubin’s. You finally both pulled away a trail of saliva connecting her tongue to yours. Kyubin wanted to go back in but he held back. His love was a bit out of breath and he wanted her to let him know how she felt before he went any further. She was so so pretty like this Kyubin really couldn’t help imagining what she might look like all fucked out just for him. Her soft tongue hanging out slightly, the rise and fall of her chest, the sparkly haze in her eyes and of course the color of pink or maybe red on her face from it all. Kyubin pushed that thought to the back of his mind. “How was it? How are you feeling right now?” He asked softly. He had to catch his breath as well. Kyubin had never been so excited over a kiss before. He could honestly say it took his breath away.

“It was perfect.” you said in a low whisper. You were so nervous to look into Kyubin’s eyes as your face was so warm from all this blushing. “I- I like the way you kiss. I like your lips, a lot.” you tucked a fallen strand of hair behind your ear before looking up at Kyubin. He was smiling so wide and his cheeks almost matched with the same shade of pink as yours. “I’m glad. I like your lips too. Nice and soft.” Kyubin leaned into you again giving you a quick kiss on the nose before going back to your lips. It was another slow kiss, you could feel butterflies in your stomach you were so excited to be kissing him. It felt unreal for you. You were in heaven right now and it was only from his lips. You felt both of Kyubin’s hands gently hold your sides and you jumped a bit breaking the kiss. You looked down and back up at Kyubin.

“I’m sorry. Is it okay if I touch you? Did that make you uncomfortable? Kyubin asked worry in his voice. He looked into your eyes watching for a reaction. You gave a small smile. “It’s okay, I’m alright.” Kyubin nodded and placed his hands back on your side holding you. You found yourself moving your hands up to cup his face, gently rubbing your thumbs against his soft skin. His hands felt so warm and comforting on your hips. You both pulled away only for a second before Kyubin shifted a little closer to you. One hand held the back of your neck and his other hand rested against the small of your back. As his arm snaked around behind you and his fingers touched the skin on the back of your neck a shiver went up your spine. It was a new feeling for you. You felt very warm and giddy.

You two continued to kiss slowly, allowing Kyubin to place his hands on different places on your body like your thighs and arms. He kept coming back to place his hands on your hips though and it made you smile against his lips. Kyubin pulled away once again now placing both his hands on your arms slowly rubbing up and down your skin. You were getting used to his touch and were ready to move on. “Is it okay if I take your shirt off?” he asked. ‘uh oh,’ you thought. ‘were you gonna back out now? after you made it so far already?’ Kyubin sensed your hesitation as your arms immediately hugged your stomach. You slowly nodded your head. “Yes, you can.” you said moving your hands away from you raising them up above your head. You were blushing more and more as this was continuing. You had so many feelings in you and it was hard to contain them all.

Kyubin took the bottom of your shirt and very slowly took it off of you and set it on the bed. Kyubin’s entire expression changed upon seeing you, his eyes lit up and he smiled for the umpteenth time that night. Kyubin was like a smiling vending machine. It made you smile despite the nerves. It was natural for you to cover yourself and so when your hand went to cover your bra and stomach Kyubin was patient with you.

“Look at me y/n.” he said in that sexy dominant yet gentle tone. His hands grasped yours slowly moving them from your body. He held them in is on your thighs. “This is big step for you isn’t it? There’s no need to cover up okay? Look at you, you are absolutely gorgeous.” Kyubin eyed you taking in your light pink bra and the little bit of fat that sat around your waist. Kyubin wanted to squeeze you so bad. “You’re so cute babe.”

“B-but I’m fat..please don’t say such things Kyubin.” you wanted to cry more but you were so tired of crying. Kyubin smiled at you letting go of your hands and placed them on your stomach and then moving them to your hips again. You inhaled sharp, your eyelashes fluttered as Kyubin suddenly leaned down to press his lips to your stomach. His lips felt nice on your stomach, he was slow just like he had been so far. Each kiss causing your heart to skip a beat. You didn’t say anything as you just let Kyubin kiss you. He moved up to your shoulders leaving a trail of light pecks up and along your collarbone. You tilted your head to the side so he could get your neck which caused a shiver to shoot up your spine.

“You’re perfect you know that? Absolutely perfect.” Kyubin hugged you close as he kept kissing your neck. You almost felt lightheaded or dizzy because his lips felt so good on your skin. “Kyubin,” you spoke up pulling yourself back a bit. He stopped and looked up at you. “What’s wrong? Do you want to stop?” you shook your head and let out a big breath. “It’s just a lot of feelings and things. You know? Your lips feel so good and I feel them all over me and I get a little dizzy or something. A-and my stomach turns, l-like butterflies and and..” you trailed off.

“Do you want to take a break? Do you need some water?” He questioned grabbing your hands again, intertwining his fingers with yours. You shook your head. “Can I take your shirt off?” you asked Kyubin. When he nodded you squeaked out of excitement. Your hands were shaking trying to fiddle with the buttons on Kyubin’s silk shirt but when you slipped it down his shoulders revealing his chest and toned arms and abs you were in awe. Of course you had seen Kyubin multiple times without a shirt, the man worked out for fucks sake but in this context it felt so much different. Kyubin took his shirt off the rest of the way placing it next to yours as you stared at him.

“Hey, it’s not nice to stare.” he laughed petting your hair. “I’m sorry, your just..well..you’re so pretty Kyu.” You were in a trance as your hands slowly touched Kyubin’s abs, your fingertips on his warm skin moving up to his chest and feeling his biceps and just touching his beautiful skin. You rested one hand on his shoulder leaning towards him raising up a bit, as he was taller than you even while sitting down, and you left light and soft kisses on his neck. You heard a faint moan come out of him which caused you to giggle. “You’re doing so good love. Your lips feel so good.” By now you were starting to feel as though things weren’t progressing fast enough. It had probably been maybe two hours and you still had most of your clothes on. You laughed a bit confusing your boyfriend. “Um..” you began becoming confident enough to reach into the back and start unclipping your bra. Whoever made bras that clip in the back can go to hell cause you were embarrassing yourself trying get the damn thing off. You sighed in defeat. “Stupid bra.” you mumbled. Kyubin let out a light laugh seeing you trying so hard and going nowhere. You started to laugh as well which helped shake more nerves off.

“Do you want me to get it?” You nodded and Kyubin slowly unhooked your bra. He let you hold it up until you were ready to take it off and when you did he acted like an excited puppy. You could barely get the bra on the bed before he quickly pulled you in a tight hug.

“Kyubin? Are you okay?” you asked. He was so confusing sometimes. “You’re so cute I can’t believe it. Look at you y/n!” his tone was full of excitement, smiling from ear to ear. How many times was he going to smile so wide tonight? You giggled as he pulled away to look at you. “You’re doing so good I’m so proud of you! You’re so so beautiful I love you.”

Kyubin had never been so excited in his entire life it was like unwrapping the best present ever. Kyubin took your hands in his and kissed the back of them while looking up at you with his beautiful eyes. “You’re so excited Kyubin..do I look okay?” you were happy that Kyubin was in such a good mood but you were still shy about this whole situation.

Kyubin smiled and went in for another kiss. This kiss felt different. His body was touching yours, you could feel his skin on yours, and knowing that you were bare from the waist up made the kiss feel dirty and rebellious. Your hand found home in Kyubin’s soft locks once again as you two enjoyed an extra long kiss your tongues very gently touching and rubbing against each other. You even got Kyubin’s breath to hitch when you playfully bit his bottom lip for the first time. Kyubin couldn’t stop smiling he was totally over the moon right now. The fact that he was so happy, not rushing you and treating you so well and he wasn’t even in your pants yet not only gave you a huge boost of confidence but it made you feel so much more safe and loved by him. You couldn’t ask for anything better than this moment.

He placed more kisses on your neck and shoulders, rubbing your back, petting you hair and stopping to hold you in his arms. The only thing he seemed to forget was answer your question. “Kyubin, you didn’t answer me.” you said firmly. He stopped and looked up at you raising one eyebrow. You rolled your eyes and smiled. “I asked you if I looked ok..you know..here.” you gestured to your chest. Kyubin frowned for the first time in a while. “What do you mean love, of course you look okay, you look perfect. Why?” You started to fiddle with your fingers again. The realization of reality was starting to kick in. You were half naked in front of your boyfriend and you were going to have sex with him tonight. Which meant he would see your entire body and watch and listen as your body did things it’s never done before. What if he didn’t like it. Did he even like your breasts?

As always Kyubin sensed an uneasy feeling and got all serious but still loving. “Y/n my love, what’s going on in this pretty little head of yours? Do you want to stop. Nothing is set in stone, we don’t have to do this tonight you have the wheel here-”

“Do you like my breasts?” you blurted out cutting Kyubin off. You were so tired of crying but you started again tears quickly filling up to your waterline and running fast down your cheeks. Kyubin’s face softened and he sighed. Once again Kyubin grabbed your hands to hold in his rubbing the back of them to help calm you down. “I mean, like, do they look okay? Are they too gross or small or something?” you reached up and lightly slapped them in a disgusted way and Kyubin picked up on that and pulled your hands away. “Y/n stop. Stop thinking so negatively about yourself. It hurts my heart every time you bring up an insecurity and ask me if I’m okay with it. You know that I love you. I tell you everyday and if it doesn’t feel like I do then I need to make sure it is crystal clear that I do. Have I ever said that I didn’t like your body? Have I ever told you that your aren’t good enough?”

You shrugged meeting Kyubin’s eyes with yours. Wiping away some of your own tears you sighed. “No but I can’t help feeling the way I do. I don’t know Kyu, I just feel like I’m not good enough for you. I wish I was sexy you know? I want to be super skinny and have great boobs like other girls and I want men to look at me, and I want to be flirted with and I want to feel good in revealing clothing. Don’t you want that for me?” You lowered your head your eyes just focusing on the bedspread. Kyubin grabbed your chin and raised it up so you were looking at him. His expression told you he was not happy. Why did your stupid feelings have to get in the way and ruin everything? It was going good until it wasn’t.

“I don’t want you to be skinny and look like every other girl I’ve ever dated. I want you to look like you. I want you to have more to yourself then just looks. I don’t want you ever thinking you need to look a certain way to please me or any other man and I sure as hell don’t want you thinking a man will only want you if you are skinny and have the body of every damn super model on the runways today. You’ve watched those shows, you know they go through harsh and unhealthy diets to get that skinny. it’s not fair on your body or mind to push yourself to be at an unhealthy weight.”

“But I’m fat.”

“You are a healthy weight. You are not in danger of any health risks or death, you are perfectly healthy. Yes you have some chub, yes you are not a twig but I don’t care. I don’t care if your boobs are the size they are now or if they are the size of a fucking peanut babe, honestly. You’re hurting yourself with this mindset that you are not enough. You are more than enough. I love you from the inside out. Every single part of your body, every vein, stretch mark, hair, and everything in between. It’s always about how you make me feel that I love about you. You could wake up one day and be purple with yellow polka dots and I would still love you. You have a good heart, a good personality. You are sweet and make me laugh and you are just perfect in every way I can think of.” he cupped the side of your face wiping away more tears as they continued to fall down your face.”I’m sorry Kyu.” you spoke up reaching for his wrist with your hand.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I know this is really hard for you and I know it’s going to take some time but I promise I am going to be with you every single step of the way. I am your number one fan darling. You should never ever compare yourself with others. You know they could be feeling the same way as you. Just because you aren’t a certain way that you think is the standard does not mean that I will love you any less. I chose you over so many others.”

Kyubin rubs his nose to yours and places a quick kiss to your lips. “I want nothing more than for you to love your body and be confident and enjoy everything life has to offer. You deserve every bit of happiness and I won’t let anything get in the way of that. I don’t care how many times I will give you this talk, I will continue to do so as long as I live I swear to you. You can’t make me not love you or fall in love with you anymore than I already have. Y/n, you know I’m just head over heels in love with everything about you.” You smile and hug Kyubin.

“Do you still feel like continuing? You seem very tired. Do you want to call it a night?” You violently shook your head. “No, please Kyu, I want this. I want you tonight please..I just need to work this out.”

“I’m with you all the way love.” Kyubin was so sweet you could throw up. What did you do to deserve such a great and wonderfully sweet boyfriend like him? “Shall we continue?” Kyubin asked. You were ready to feel Kyubin’s warm and comforting touch again. It was quiet for a little bit, you two just stared into each others eyes, you loved the way Kyubin’s eyes sparkled so bright. His eyes were so pretty. “Can I touch you here?” he broke the silence gesturing to your chest. Your heart was pounding so hard you thought it might jump to your throat. “Yes, yes Kyubin..please.” your tone of voice and confirmation in the form of asking surprised Kyubin and he wondered if you were starting to get aroused.

Warm hands gently cupped each breast holding them for awhile letting you get used to them being touched and held. You were nervous sweating and it was in fact more embarrassing than having your boyfriend hold your breasts. Kyubin looked up at you for a silent approval. Despite him saying you needed to use your words some things you both understood with just the look in your eyes. Kyubin gently squeezed one breast in his hand causing a light gasp to fall from your lips. His hands were so warm and felt even better on your breasts then when they were on your hips. He took his time playing with your breasts. Squeezing and pushing them together, paying special attention to the pretty noises you made. He made eye contact with you as his fingers pinched and rolled the nipple on you left breast. You gasped again flinching slightly at the new sensation.

“Kyubin, h-how’d you get s-so confident. You know, with yourself?” You asked while he was working your nipple into a point. His fingers were so delicate and and did such a good job of applying just the right amount of pressure. “I just kinda trained myself I guess. Tried my very best to work on myself and not let the comments of other’s get to me.” He was so good at multitasking it was blowing your mind. You were itching to found out what else he could do with his fingers. Your thoughts were becoming too dirty but you couldn’t help it. You had never felt this way before. Kyubin’s touches were literally heaven. He knew how to make you squirm under him and it made you wonder all the things he could do to you with his co-”

“Ahh Kyu~” your thoughts were cut off as you felt his wet tongue touch your right nipple, his fingers still rolling at your left nipple. Like a new reflex you grabbed Kyubin’s head with your right hand and held him in place as his tongue licked and played around with your nipple. You could feel him smiling and feel what you only assumed was arousal pool between your legs. You had no idea what this feeling was inside you but you were getting tingles all over your body, your head, the back of your neck, up your spine and even between your legs. You couldn’t control how red your face was now, the more Kyubin sucked the more vocal you got. He switched to your left nipple doing the same thing. He himself started to gently moan and hum to get you more in the mood and help again to make you feel more comfortable. The moment his teeth grazed at your nipple you let out the prettiest moan Kyubin had ever heard. You fell back on the bed breathing heavy, closing your legs as fast as you could. It was overwhelming what you were feeling but you were just so excited and you wanted more.

“Are you alright love?” Kyubin asked leaning over you watching some fresh tears roll down your cheeks. “Yes, yes I’m good-d oh my god Kyubin.” You laid on the bed trying to catch your breath as Kyubin laid himself beside you stroking the side of your face and lightly grazing his fingertips down your stomach, up your thighs and around your arms. “You just let out the most cute and gorgeous little moan ever you know that? I’ve never heard anything sound so angelic it was like music to my ears.” You blushed still as if you weren’t red enough. You looked into Kyubin’s eyes again. Biting your lower lips you pulled Kyubin into you grabbing locks of his hair and holding on as you kissed him a little more intensely letting yourself moan into his mouth. Kyubin’s hands pressed themselves into the mattress his body hovering above you. You gasped sharply when you felt his lower region just touch yours.

You pulled your boyfriend closer to you resting your face against his neck as you let your body take over while your brain was disconnected for a bit. You bucked your hips up once against Kyubin’s groin causing your thighs to shudder at the feeling. You squeezed your eyes tightly moaning into his neck as you did it once more hearing Kyubin’s breathing pick up. You let go of Kyubin and he kept his entire body hovered above yours for a little bit. “I-I’m sorry um..I was..” you trailed off embarrassed by what you just did.

“Can I asked you something?” Kyubin gets off of you and lays next to you again. When he says yes you turn to him. You run your fingers up and down his arms tracing small circles on his bicep. “Have you had sex with your previous partners?” You said partners as you weren’t sure if Kyubin played for both teams or not. “I have, yes. Why do you ask?”

You pouted a bit. “Were they any good? Like..did you enjoy one over the other?”

“Are you asking if I compared them? No I didn’t. All of my sexual experiences differ with each partner. A lot of times it was very simple and very..I guess you could say pleasant but I had a few moments that weren’t as good. You should never compare partners though y/n. Each partner is different and enjoys different things.”

“Were they all girls?” you questioned softly feeling like you maybe overstepped your boundaries. Kyubin started laughing. “Is that why you said partners? Yes they were all girls. I’m not aware of having sex with other men.” Kyubin twirled a lose strand of your hair around his finger.

“Do you want to? Have sex with men?” You blurted out. Kyubin laughed again. “It’s not for me at the moment. Well, I mean. I’ve only been interested in woman so far. Why do you ask babe? Do you have a fantasy you want to act out, I’m sure I’d be open to something.” You felt your cheeks heat up again and you quickly raised up on the bed.

“No, no no I uh..I just thought maybe um..it might not be satisfactory compared to the other girls. What if I’m not good at it?” Kyubin raised up next to you placing his hand on the small of your back. “Darling, what did I tell you about comparing yourself to others. It’s not fair for me to say who I prefer out of my partners nor compare them to you. I can guarantee having sex with you will be satisfactory for both of us. Don’t worry about the past okay. The present is with you and taking care of you and making sure you enjoy yourself tonight alright love?” Kyubin pressed a kiss to your forehead. Now lay back on those pillow okay, we’re gonna go to the next step.” Kyubin playfully winked and you had to bite back a squeal.

When you had settled yourself in the pillows Kyubin leaned over you his mouth reconnecting to one of your breasts. While his mouth was busy his hand was gently squeezing your breast and playing with your nipple. You let him do as he pleased breathing in the light and fresh perfume he always wore. Having him right under your nose helped you to relax. A few times you flinched when his teeth came in contact with your nipple because you weren’t used to his lips and teeth on such places on your body but he was going slow and carefully listening to each sound you made.

He stopped and looked up at you when you started laughing. “I’m glad to see you in a good mood but what’s so funny?” he asked raising his brow. You reached up to cover your face feeling embarrassed for laughing. “I’m sorry it just kinda tickles.” Kyubin smiled at you a chuckle leaving him.

“You’re so cute love.” Kyubin shook his head and went back to giving your nipple attention. Then he went to the other one leaving pecks around your breasts and up to your collarbone. Your hand found his hair and started petting him. His hair was so soft you wanted to ruffle it and maybe even pull on it but you didn’t want him to accidently bite your nipple off. His lips went down in between your breasts going to your stomach. He kissed your stomach like he did earlier with your lips. Soft and gentle and passionately. “You’re so beautiful. Your stomach is so cute.” he reached for your side and squeezed it a bit. As his lips went down further your heart started beating 80 miles a minute. But then you sighed as he went back up your body and to your lips. You loved his lips on yours it made you so happy to just kiss him and he was such a good kisser. Of course you hadn’t kissed anyone else before but you were very confident that Kyubin was the best.

Kyubin pulled away looking down at you as he held his body above you. Some of his hair fell around his eyes and you gently tucked it back behind his ear looking into his eyes. Your eyes then followed as your hand moved down along his skin touching his neck and chest and then down his arm. You smiled as Kyubin mirrored your actions. “Kyu, you’re so pretty and handsome. I like when you kiss me. Your lips feel good, they feel warm and comforting.” You grabbed one of his hands to intertwine your fingers with his sending Kyubin’s heart to flutter. He gave you a small smile. “I’m glad you like it. I like kissing you too. I think we should definitely kiss more often.” You nodded at his response and he got off of you and moved to the foot of the bed.

“Are we doing that now?” you asked thinking he was ready to move on to the actual sex. Kyubin placed both his hands at your ankles rubbing your legs up and down til he came to your thighs. “Not yet. Can I take your shorts off or do you want to?” You shrugged. You were pretty comfortable right now and you didn’t feel like getting off the bed, taking them off then getting back on the bed. “You do it..I’ll watch.” Your comment made Kyubin smile the color pink finding it’s way on his cheeks. He placed his fingers on the waistline of your shorts. “Ah love these shorts are so cute. They are so soft, are you sure you want me to take them off?” you only giggled. “Of course I do Kyu.” He nodded and you raised your hips up so he could get them down your legs. When they were off your hands quickly glued themselves over your underwear.

“It okay. Relax.” Kyubin didn’t move your hands away or tell you to move them he just went down and started leaving small pecks and love bites on your thighs humming as he did so. His hair falling in his face and sweeping against your thighs tickled and you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing again. You felt his lips curve up smiling as he continued to kiss your thighs. His hands held your waist or traced circles on your thighs. You were getting used to his hands on your body and they were so warm against you. You wanted to touch him yourself so you started to run your hands through his hair and against the skin by his neck and shoulders. You raised up off the bed leaning on one elbow. Kyubin held out his hand and you took it is his kissing the back of it. He continued to kiss along your thighs while your hands were out of the way.

You gasped as his lips landed on top of your underwear. He was kissing your panties but they way you could feel the touch from under the cloth had the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Kyubin raised up and starting laughing. “I just got the chills and you have goosebumps on your legs. Are you getting cold?” you shook you head. “No, I’ve just..you know. Never had someone kiss me..there before.” Kyubin nodded taking in your response before he asked you the next question. This time your face was beat red heartbeat just going. “You can yes, but you have to take your pants and panties off too. You playfully crossed your arms sending Kyubin into a fit of laughter.

“Of course I will and I don’t wear panties I wear boxers.”

“Well why can’t I say panties?” you laughed back. Kyubin shook his head giving you a quick kiss to your cheek. “You’re so damn adorable my heart might actually explode.”

“It better not before you get those pants off mister.” you stated pointing a finger at him. Kyubin got off the bed standing at the foot before he took off his belt. Unbuttoning his blue jeans your breath got caught in your throat watching them slide down his waist seeing a slight raise underneath his boxers. “Cute panties Kyu~” you cooed making him smile. You scooted to the foot of the bed your legs tucked under you watching with big eyes as Kyubin slowly slid his boxers down. When he raised up to toss his hair back your lip pulled back in between your teeth. “Oh my god.” you mumbled. Kyubin did that thing that every heartthrob does with his hair before crawling onto the bed. You scooted back as he crawled forward your eyes were glued to his dick. You watched as it bounced around almost like it was waving to you. “Now it’s your turn my love.” he teased.

“Y-you d-do it.” you stuttered. You tried to ask yourself where your thoughts were but they were too busy running around your mind prison screaming like chickens with their heads cut off. You could not take your eyes off Kyubin’s dick. You were mesmerized by it. Kyubin sat on his knees and gently slid your panties off. You once again covered yourself. Kyubin said nothing as his gaze was locked on you. In fact he didn’t need to say anything because you knew what he was thinking. You didn’t need to cover yourself anymore and at this point you didn’t want to. You were moving forward. When your hands moved away from your lower region Kyubin kissed you on the lips again. Every kiss was so nice and warm you could go all night just kissing. It was like every kiss to your lips was a thank you and a praise from Kyubin.

“Can I kiss you down here?” Kyubin asked his face inches from your skin his eyes looking up at you. You giggled a bit feeling the air from his nose tickle. “Yeah, yeah.” you couldn’t stop giggling, something just came over you and the thought of Kyubin kissing you down there was making you laugh. You had never thought of it before but the concept was kind of funny and strange. You covered your face with your hands trying to muffle your laughter.

Kyubin had your legs spread and was hunched over you his lips gently kissing his way around your lady parts. You felt his hot breath and it tickled. “You’re so giggly tonight babe. How cute.” You took your hands off your face when you felt Kyubin’s lips go lower. You eyes went wide as his lips kissed your lower lips. Only for a few seconds before Kyubin raised up. “How was it?” you asked him.

“It was good..could use a little salt though.” you burst out laughing Kyubin joining you. “Do you have enough pillows?” He asked you. You nodded and let out a comfortable sounding sigh. After a few more kisses and approval from you Kyubin used his fingers to touch your lower lips and get you used to him down there. His hands were so warm it felt relaxing but when his thumb gently rubbed against your clit you flinched. “Is something wrong? Should I slow down?”

“No everything is fine I guess I was just surprised. Um..have you ever used sex toys?” The question took Kyubin a bit by surprised. You looked a bit embarrassed to be honest. “oh, well I suppose I have a few times yeah. How about you?” Kyubin just rubbed your skin around your lips, he didn’t want to fingerblast you just yet he wanted you to be comfortable with his hands and fingers toying with you before they entered you.

“I’ve mostly just tried to use my fingers. I’ve been kind of afraid to use sex toys. I don’t think they are for me you know?” Kyubin’s hands stopped touching you and he scratched his head.

“In past relationships I never messed around with a lot of sex toys. When I did use them on my partners it was usually either a dildo or vibrator. For the most part they just liked me using my hands and things.”

“So you never did like nipple clamps or got kinky with a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs?” at this you and Kyubin both burst out laughing again. Kyubin shook his head. “No I think a lot of my partners were really sensitive so I didn’t want to use anything out of their comfort zone and a lot of them told me the same thing as you that that were a bit intimidating for a first time use.”

“Would you ever use a vibrating butt plug? or maybe a strap on?” you blurted out beginning to laugh again. Kyubin raised an eyebrow. “Like on myself or a partner?” He looked so confused it was so cute. You shrugged. “Probably not.” You two talked some more about different sex toys and what you two might want to try together and then you moved on. You moved on so much in fact that you had now allowed Kyubin to start stretching you out with his fingers. He went slow as he slipped one finger at a time into you moving them slowly and gently in and out of your vagina. You felt his finger glide along your walls, curling every now and again and it made light moans roll off your tongue.

“How does it feel? Am I doing okay?” Kyubin asked. He was angling everything so perfect your hips just had a mind of their own. “Yes, it’s perfect Kyubin, it’s so good.” You hadn’t even had his dick inside you yet and you were at a loss for words. He had magic in his hands. Your mind wondered what it would be like to have him finger you in the shower. You kept making these pretty moans and Kyubin was getting so excited. When he asked if he could use his tongue you choked out a yes thinking about how good it might feel down there knowing how good his tongue felt in your mouth.

He repositioned himself on his knees, his mouth lined up with your entrance. He held you his arms wrapped around your thighs keeping them spread as his tongue slowly licked up and around your folds. His kissing started out slow but it became messy pretty quickly. Running his tongue around your clit, his lips roamed around you, his humming sending vibrations inside you that made so many noises escape you. Little gasps every time his tongue went inside your vagina, soft moans when he started to suck your clit that became more loud and filled with need. Your thighs felt kind of like jelly and your breathing was heavy as he made you feel so good. You couldn’t put into words what you were feeling, you couldn’t tell him how he was doing you were so breathless and you couldn’t think about anything at the moment.

The way his warm tongue just went everywhere and then his fingers pushed inside you. You sighed now feeling his tongue and lips and fingers down there. The sensation was indescribable. Your hands moved on their own to find his hair and your pulled his locked which made him moan and that vibrated through you. There was so much he was doing and you were starting to feel like maybe you were going to faint. You had a strange feeling in your stomach and you stuttered trying to find your words. Kyubin stopped when you made a small squeak.

“What happened? Are you alright darling?” Kyubin sat up and came to your side his hand grabbing yours. You smiled at him face all pink. “I’m fine. I’m okay, it was, well I’ve never felt that feeling before. You’ve got magic in you Kyubin, it felt so amazing but I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I don’t know I felt strange.” Kyubin nodded and kissed you again. “And and the sounds coming from down there..they sound so..” you cut yourself off. Lewd was the word you were looking for but you were embarrassed to tell him that. Embarrased to admit that you were turned on and how you felt wet down there and how dirty it felt and sexy to have Kyubin’s entire face down there eating you out. It was a whole new experience and it took your breath away truly. You looked up into Kyubin’s eyes and quietly spoke up. “You make me feel..really g-good. I’m embarrased thinking of such thoughts.”

Kyubin was laying against the bed and you had an idea. You sat up on your knees and started at Kyubin’s erection. “Kyubin,” You started as you reached for his dick. After he treated you so well you wanted to return the favor but when he pulled back you got confused. You scooted closer to him and tried again but he pulled your hand away. “Kyubin what’s wrong? Why won’t you let me touch you?” Negative thoughts started to form in your head. What if he didn’t want you touching him cause he thought you were gross? What if he was taking advantage of you and didn’t want to be touched by you because he wanted control over you? He was your boyfriend, everything leading up to this had been so good and trusting. What happened? You looked at Kyubin’s body language. He wouldn’t look at you, his hair falling in his face again.

“Kyubin..it’s not fair. Why won’t you let me touch you. I’ve put all my trust in you tonight and I would think you would do the same. Why don’t you want me touching you? Am I not good enough?” You held back the tears this time waiting for him to respond. “It’s not that..” Kyubin gave a shy smile. “All my previous partners knew how and..you don’t have any experience.” You furrowed your brows. “So because I have no sexual experience with another person means I can’t try? Kyubin that’s mean how could you? I can’t believe this.”

You went to get off the bed but Kyubin grabbed your wrist. “No y/n it’s not like that I swear. I just want tonight to be all about you. I swear I have no bad intentions. I would never do that to you. Please trust me.” Kyubin sighed letting you go. “Love, I know what it sounds like. I didn’t want to have you do anything tonight cause I thought since this was already a lot for you it would be too overwhelming for you to please me. I wanted you to be comfortable receiving everything tonight. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Kyubin’s eyes were sad. He was telling the truth and you mentally kicked yourself for ever thinking he was a bad man. He proved all night that he was the best man ever and you had to stop doubting him. It wasn’t fair on him.

“I’m sorry. I just thought you’d want something. You’ve treated me so well tonight I wanted to return to favor. I know I don’t know what to do or how but you can teach me. Please Kyubin? I want to try.” You let Kyubin sit for a bit before you reached for his hand. After a little longer he nodded.

“Okay. You’re right it’s not fair and if you want to make me feel good tonight you should.” Kyubin pulled your hand over his cock and you let out an unexpected gasp as your fingers wrapped around his shaft. You were choking back your excitement, your hand was touching Kyubin’s dick and it made you giggle. Kyubin kept his hand on top of yours.

“W-what do I do now?” You looked at him and he was smiling. He moved your hand up and down his dick slowly. You squealed a bit in excitement. Your eyes were wide as he gently guided you up and down his shaft.

“Good good. J-just like that. That’s good.” Kyubin’s eyelids fluttered and his chest was starting to raise. You bit your bottom lip looking back and forth between Kyubin and his dick. Kyubin took his hand off of yours and let you take control. With each stroke you sped up and with each stroke you got more excited and turned on hearing Kyubin’s breathing speed up and his moans.

“Kyubin you’re so cute.” You moaned out. You slowed down a bit and swiped your thumb over his slit feeling his precum on your thumb. You felt Kyubin jerk his hips up. When you looked over at him his head was pushing back into the pillow his stomach muscles and arms muscles and really his whole body tightening. His bottom lips was in between his teeth and the image of your boyfriend becoming a mess to your touch like this gave you a small boost of confidence. You smiled and spoke softly as your fingers gently rubbed his tip playing with the cum. You watched it drip down your fingers and you jerked your hand up and down his shaft again coming all the way up to the tip to swipe your thumb over his slit again.

“Am I doing a good job baby? Your cock is so pretty Kyu. You look so cute.” You giggled as Kyubin jerked his hips up again and started thrusting into your hand.

“Fuck, yes baby it feels amazing. You’re doing so g-good fuck.” The way he was acting got you so excited and you sped up again. He let out a loud moan and you felt his hand grab your thigh as he came. You jumped a bit as the cum shot out flying onto his thigh and the sheets. You felt it in your hand and something clicked in your brain that told you to lower yourself down to his cock.

When you went to open your mouth just inches away from his tip, mouth salivating the desire to lick up his cum and suck him off with your mouth, he moved your head out of the way. Confused you looked at him. He was still breathing heavy and to be honest he didn’t have the strength to even push that hard you just felt a gentle nudge. Kyubin’s eyes opened his cheeks pink his breathing still heavy. “That’s enough love. You d-don’t have to do that.”

“Kyubin I wanted to..” you were disappointed that he stopped you and he could hear it in your voice.

“I-I know baby. But you don’t have to. Maybe another time you can give me a blowjob. I promise we’ll have plenty of time to explore each other further okay?” Kyubin blinked his breathing slowing down. He leaned over to grab something on the floor. When he raised back up his shirt was in his hand. He took your hand and wiped his cum off you and then he cleaned his dick. You were a little sad that Kyubin seemed to want to stop.

“I just wanted you to feel good after you made me feel good.” You said wringing your hands again. You heard Kyubin sigh. When you looked at him he looked sad. He was probably internally beating himself up over stopping you.

“I know baby. Trust me you did such a wonderful job, you did make me feel good. You’re hands were so soft and so small and cute god I couldn’t stand it. If you gave me a blowjob..” Kyubin trailed off seeming embarrassed. Maybe he was so turned on it was overwhelming him. “Another time I promise. Another time I’ll let you wrap that pretty mouth around my cock.” As Kyubin was speaking you could hear the excitement in his voice.

You crawled on top of him and kissed him pushing your tongue into his mouth. He moaned in pleasure and you felt his cock harden up slowly against your thigh. “Let’s move on Kyubin please?” You asked pulling away from him. He smiled nodding. You two gently switched positions so he was over you again.

“Baby listen. Before I start I need you to listen to me. I am going to go slow and I am going to let you adjust because you’ve never had a dick in you before. It’s different from fingers you know.” As Kyubin was speaking to you he was holding the back of your thighs rubbing them with him thumbs. He was trying to help your nerves and help you relax. You’re breathing was already so heavy but Kyubin was here just like he promised. You felt safe with him. You felt warmth all throughout your body and your heart felt like it was going to burst out of love. You were spacing out as he spoke to you in such a sweet and gentle tone.

A warm hand cupping your cheek brought you back. “Hey love, listen okay. It’s important. This is going to hurt. It might hurt a lot. I’m going to go slow and if it hurts too much tell me and I’ll stop. It’s very important that you communicate with me during this part okay? I want you to be comfortable and safe. Please please speak up if you want to stop. I am in no rush, if tonight is not the right night that is okay. We can always try again later alright? Do you understand me?” He asked looking into your eyes. “Yes Kyubin.” You nodded.

“Okay, are you ready love?” You gave him another yes and he slowly lined his tip up to your entrance. You breathed in sharply, “wait wait wait,” you blurted out covering your eyes with your hands. All the emotions and all the nerves you had been holding in all night were coming out. You were terrified. You’re thoughts were running at 80 miles an hour. Was he going to care for you after? Was he going to leave you after? Were you only another virgin to his collection? Did he really have bad intentions and he’s lied to you your entire relationship? What if he pulls what he did in the shower again? Or worse? What if he gets you pregnant on purpose and leaves you and the baby? What if he doesn’t like you after he takes your virginity?

“What wrong? Did you change your mind?” Kyubin asked coming to sit next to you. You hesitated. “Um..Kyubin..can I ask how many times you’ve had sex with someone who was a virgin?” Kyubin cocked his head to the side and pondered for a bit. “I have. A few of the woman were virgins yes.”

“Did you only have sex with them?”

“Are you asking if I was in a relationship with them or not? I was. For a few years with some of them. Some only a few months. I was never the type to just hookup.” Kyubin carressed your cheek lightly with the back of his hand.

“Why did you break up with them? Was it because they were no longer virgins?” You started to tear up once again. Kyubin frowned at what you were hinting at. “No. Absolutely not. I am not like that. Often times they just got tired of being in a relationship. Sometimes I ended it because I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for them or I felt like they weren’t doing enough for me. They just ended up not working out for whatever reason. I did not break up with them because they were no longer virgins.”

“Oh.” You mumbled. “Y/n are you afraid I won’t love you anymore if you aren’t a virgin?” Kyubin sighed when you looked away more tears falling. “Darling look at me please.” When you did he reached up and wiped a tear away. “I am having sex with you because you are ready and because I love you very much and I want you to know how much and I want me and you to be able to share intimacy like this and explore each other’s bodies and make each other feel good. I want you to trust that I’ll take care of you no matter what. I am your rock. I will be here for you always. Even if you weren’t a virgin I’d still love you and still want to enjoy special things like sex with you and I’d still take care of you.”

Kyubin pulled you into him wrapping his arms around you. “Oh Kyubin.” Your heart was ready to leap out of your chest at his words. He really was the best man ever. Sweet, genuine, it made you want to cry out of happiness. “Since you are a virgin I need to make sure that your first time is okay for you. That’s why I told you in the very beginning that you had the wheel the entire time and that you needed to communicate with me with your words. I will do my absolute best to make sure you are comfortable and feel safe and loved. All the woman I’ve been with that were virgins were all different, all different experiences and I did everything I could to make it a good experience for them. I will do the exact same thing for you. Yes you are way more nervous than they were and a lot more scared but I’m ready to handle it and I’m ready to be here for you now and forever. I will always love you no matter what, you being a virgin or not has no effect on how much I love you and how far I will go to protect you and make sure that you feel okay mentally and physically before during and after this.” He ran his hands through your hair and brought your chin up to look at him.

“I love you Kyubin.” You said reaching up to kiss his lips. This kiss made your heart flutter so much. More than all the previous kisses. It felt like your lips were melting into each other. “Um Kyubin,” you spoke up trying to hold back your laughter when you realized he was about to go in raw. “Did you forget the condom?”

You busted up laughing when his eyes widened. “Oh shit hang on.” Kyubin got off the bed and pulled open the top drawer in the nightstand. He was shuffling around for awhile before coming back to the bed. “Ok, almost forgot.” It made you laugh some more. “Lay back and spread your legs for me please.” Kyubin asked softly as he tore open the small package and began rolling the condom on him. You smiled gushing over how sweet his tone was while speaking so lewdly. Kyubin speaking dirty to you made you feel giddy and made you want to let loose and take control but you didn’t want to get crazy for your first time.

Kyubin ran his hand through his hair his beautiful brown eyes looking into yours. “I’m nervous Kyubin.” You whispered. Your cheeks had been pink all night and you found the heat from your cheeks annoying. You wished he didn’t make you blush so hard it was crazy. Insane even with how crazy he made you. You could tell Kyubin was a little nervous too, his hands were a bit shaky as he reached for yours intertwining your fingers together.

“I know love. It’s okay to be nervous. I am too.” You raised your eyebrow confused. Kyubin chuckled. “I’m taking your virginity. I am nervous. I worry it won’t be a good experience for you or that I’ll accidentally hurt you. I want this to be good for you. I want to treat you so good and I’m worried that I might screw up.” Kyubin looked away saying nothing. You found it funny that he was so nervous as he’s had sex with other woman and taken their virginity. What was the difference?

“Kyubin,” You said sitting up on your elbows reaching for his face. You gently rubbed his cheek. “how am I any different from all your partners before me?” Kyubin was quiet for a moment his hand reaching up to hold yours as he leaned into your touch. His beautiful eyes looked up at you his beautiful lashes making his eyes even more beautiful. He smiled again.

“You’re so special to me y/n. So special. I just love you so so much and you make me so happy all the time and I want to take care of you and treat you right and you just make me so happy. I can’t describe how you make me feel. My heart is so happy every time I look at you..” Kyubin trailed off and you pulled him towards you bringing your lips to his. You felt the corners of his mouth curve up and it made you smile back. You kissed like this slow and sweet until you both pulled away. Then Kyubin laid you back on the bed and started kissing your lips again. He was so gentle but you could feel the want in his actions, how desperate he was to have you. His lips roamed down your neck and to the valley in between your breasts and down to your stomach. He gave your sides a few gentle squeezes and then he grabbed one of your hands to bring it up to his lips. As he kissed the back of your hand he looked up at you. You breathed in a shaky breath. Your heart had the zoomies.

“I’m ready for you Kyubin.” You giggled. He simply nodded and helped you spread you legs moving himself in between your thighs. He grabbed the lube that was sitting on the bed and put a generous amount on your hip bone. You quietly watched as he dipped his digits into you and you let out a soft moan. When Kyubin thought you were slippery enough he rubbed the rest of the lube on the condom and lined himself up to your entrance.

“I want you to breath okay. Just relax and let me know if you want me to stop.” With his free hand he held your side rubbing the skin with his thumb. You took a deep breath as Kyubin pushed himself into your entrance.

A sharp pain shot through you. He barely put his cock in you and you were squirming. Tears quickly formed with how fast you felt the pain. Kyubin was trying to calm you down by tracing circles on your thighs but you were in too much pain. “Baby I know it hurts I know I’m sorry. The pain with go away I promise.” Kyubin was feeling frantic as he never dealt with this before. He was scared he hurt you too much and he was staring to wonder if you pushed yourself too much and you actually weren’t ready for this. Kyubin started to sweat.

“Make it stop Kyu please it hurts!” Your breathing was off and your cheeks were red the tears coming out like waterworks. “Darling it will hurt if I pull out. I know it hurts I’m sorry love but just wait a bit and it won’t hurt as bad I promise you. Just breath ok, focus on your breathing. You don’t need to be hyperventilating right now.” Your hands were over your face clenching your teeth. Kyubin grabbed your hands and held them in his so you could squeeze them. Which you did. A lot. But Kyubin was a a strong man and you weren’t hurting him as much as he was you. His heart hurt knowing you were in pain and watching you cry over it. He knew how scared you were and seeing you like this made him sad. It made him want to stop and wrap you in his arms and just hold you until the tears stopped.

Kyubin figured it would hurt a lot less pulling out than staying in. “Okay I’m gonna pull out alright?” He said wiping some of your tears away.

“No, no Kyubin.” You cried some more. The pain was unbearable but you didn’t want to throw in the towel. You wanted him, you wanted this.

“But I hate seeing you in pain y/n. I don’t want you to cry you’ll get a horrible headache.” Kyubin was gentle in moving the hair out of your face and making sure you felt his touch hoping it would help calm you down.

“I know but please Kyubin. I want this and I know you’ll take care of me. Like you said the pain will go away and then I’ll be fine please Kyubin I want you, I want this. Please, it’s okay. Take my virginity Kyubin.” You were losing your damn mind over the pain the tears blurring your vision so much you could only see the outline of Kyubin’s head.

Kyubin was smiling at your words. He even felt a little dirty with the way you asked him to take your virginity. “Okay. Let me know what the pain subsides I’ll inch my way in. A little at a time we’ll go as slow as you want okay?” You nodded as you reached up to grab his lower arms.

You inhaled as Kyubin finally bottomed out. He had his entire cock inside you and you felt more stuffed than a Christmas dinner. You felt the way he rested inside your walls, filling you up all the way and you had to admit after all the pain went down it was a weird feeling to have something inside you. It made you feel a mix of aroused and embarrassed. “K-Kyu~” You cooed at him.

“Yes love?” Kyubin’s hands were placed on the mattress on either side of your head. His body was a few inches above yours his face just so close to you. His breathing was hot and heavy like yours and his eyes were so big and beautiful. His hair was in his face again and you cupped his face. He was so pretty like this and you had thoughts about you being on top of him. “Please move. M-make me f-feel good Kyu~” You stuttered the red still hanging out on your cheeks. Kyubin smiled leaning down further to kiss your lips.

Kyubin kept a good pace as he continuously thrusted in and out of you. All the pain was gone and what was complete fear of the unknown and worrying about everything had turned into the most wonderful and beautiful experience you could have ever dreamed of. Kyubin has been a doll throughout it all and you were so grateful to him. He didn’t just fuck you Kyubin was taking his time with you making sure you were comfortable and enjoying yourself. You two were making love both your bodies close and twisting around each other in sweet bliss. You loved the look in his eyes as you looked down at you, the bright sparkle warmed your heart. You loved the way his hair was bouncing around but also sticking to his forehead and you had to constantly move it out of his eyes. You loved the way he’d slow down to kiss your lips and all over your face and body, the way his hands felt in yours and on your body. It made you feel safe and loved. The way he would smile and comment such sweet things to you as if you needed a thousand more reasons to blush.

Everything was going so smooth and perfect. Suddenly your body felt like it was betraying you. You didn’t know how long he had been going but you got the feeling that maybe you were going to have an orgasm soon. Of course you didn’t know what one felt like or the feeling one gets before one happens and for some reason you didn’t want to. Your head felt strange like you were dizzy or your head felt heavy? you couldn’t really describe it. Your vision was not clear at all Kyubin’s face was so blurred you thought you were going blind. Your stomach felt like it was in multiple knots and each thrust felt more and more intense and amplified. Your heartbeat and quickened and when you tried to call out to your dear Kyubin you felt like you were drifting from him.

You started to panic, you tried to focus on your breathing like Kyubin had told you earlier but how could you when you weren’t even sure if breathing was gonna help. “Kyubin!” You cried out.

“Yes darling, you’re doing so good.” Kyubin’s pace sped up and you tried to move your hands but you felt weak. It took all your strength and focus to find Kyubin’s arm and gently squeeze it.

“Kyubin help something’s wrong Kyubin something’s happening!” You yelled out to him. Your vision was even more blurred now as you began to cry. You were completely freaking out and had no idea what to do. You felt him slow down a bit and felt his hand on your face. You knew he was still with you but it didn’t feel like it. It felt like he was getting farther from you and it scared you so much.

“Baby you’re okay, you’re just climaxing, you’re about to have an orgasm. Is it too much? Do you want me to stop?” You heard his voice and you understood what he was saying but your brain was somewhere else. “Y/n talk to me you have to talk to me okay? I can stop.”

“Kyubin you stay with me? Kyubin please..take me Kyubin.” You managed to blurt out your response. You saw a super blurry Kyubin nod.

“Yes my love I’m right here I’m not going anywhere. Do you want me to make you cum?” He asked. Your heart felt like it was bursting. You could only nod your head in response. “Squeeze my hand if you want to cum okay love, you have to respond.” With all your strength you could muster you squeezed his hand and by god that was all the man needed. Kyubin sped up back to the pace he was before and you felt every feeling again.

“Kyubin Kyubin!” You half screamed. “It’s okay to be scared love it’s okay. I’m right here I’m not letting you go.” Kyubin started to slow down and you felt the condom fill up with his cum and that’s what sent you over. All your senses seemed a thousand times more intense as this wild feeling washed over your entire body. You couldn’t describe it really. It was scary but it felt so good.

You let out multiple cries your entire body shaking like crazy. You feel Kyubin’s arms wrap around you his warm chest against yours. You feel his hair tickling your skin as both of you have your faces buried in each other’s necks. He is saying something to you, he’s repeating something you can hear it but your entire body is in such a place that you can no longer comprehend a thing. All you can feel is this incredible high and the warmth coming from Kyubin.

“It’s okay my love you are okay, you’re doing amazing.” You finally hear Kyubin’s words, his sweet whispers next to your ear sends more butterflies to your stomach and makes your heart swell up. “You’re okay you’re such a good girl you did so good. I’m so proud. I’m right here baby. I’ve got you, you’re safe.” As what you could only assume was you coming down from your life changing orgasm you started to become more aware of your surroundings; you saw Kyubin’s face clearly now his eyes looking into yours, you felt yourself holding his hands and you felt his soft and perfect lips meet yours. You would never ever get enough of those lips.

When Kyubin pulled away a bit his thumb reached down to wipe your tears and softly rub your cheek. “My beautiful girl.” Kyubin said rubbing his nose against yours. He kept praising you and whispering such sweet words into your ear you wondered if his words alone could make you cum. He made you feel so special and loved, it made you so happy in a way you’d never be able to describe. “I’m going to pull out okay? I’ll go slow.” Kyubin raised up a bit and with one hand held the condom so nothing came out and with the other rubbed your stomach to keep you calm in case him pulling out got you riled up again. Kyubin got off the bed to throw the condom away and then climbed back over you.

He gently moved your hair out of your face so you could see him clearly. He was smiling so wide he was glowing. It made you smile back. You two just looked in each other’s eyes for awhile before he kissed you a few times on the lips. Then he went to get up again but you gently grabbed his wrist feeling very sensitive and needy right now.

“Where are you going?” You asked softly. You’re brain was still a little mushy from your orgasm so speaking was a little hard at the moment. Kyubin turned to you cupping your cheek with one hand while his wrist was being held by you.

“I’m gonna get you some water and a towel I’ll be right back ok?” Kyubin went to move away his wrist slipping out of your grasp. You slightly panicked and you quickly grabbed his arm. “Noooo stay here please. I need you Kyu~” water was all the way in the kitchen and you wanted and needed Kyubin here in the bedroom. Kyubin looked at your cute pout and smiled giving you a soft peck on the lips before getting off the bed. With Kyubin’s warm body not touching yours you felt cold. You wrapped your arms around yourself. “Relax love, I have water here,” Kyubin said. You watched him go into the corner of the room and then you remember he keeps a mini fridge next to the window. In the beginning you told him you didn’t want a mini fridge in your room. You didn’t think it was necessary, Kyubin could just go downstairs and get water why does he need a mini fridge in his room anyway? But every night Kyubin was getting out of bed to get a glass of water or he would leave just to get something to drink. You realized Kyubin was also parched especially at night so you let him keep the mini fridge. He always kept it full but he was constantly drinking bottle after bottle of water. Especially after working out. Now you were glad for the mini fridge. Now he didn’t have to leave you for very long. You smiled as he came back with a towel in one hand and one of his t-shirts and a water bottle in the other.

Kyubin helped you sit up on the bed holding you close to him as he held the bottle up to your lips. You took a few sips and Kyubin cleaned you and him up a bit with the towel before he helped you into his shirt. He stopped and looked down at you before speaking. “How do you feel? There was a lot more blood than I thought there would be.”

“I’m okay Kyubin, just a little tired and I’ll probably be really sore soon.” kyubin pulled you into him and kissed your temple.

“You don’t have to get out of bed tomorrow okay? I’ll care take of you. Just relax right now. You did so good my love.”

Settling in Kyubin’s arms, his hand slowly rubbed the small of your back and went up to pet your head. He hummed and kissed your forehead while you melted into him. “I’m so proud of you y/n. I know that you were very scared and worried but you did so well. Thank you.” You looked up at Kyubin with a confused look on your face. Kyubin smiled and grabbed your hand intertwining his fingers with yours. “Because you finally had enough confidence and bravery to open up to me like this. Sex is very big and I know how you felt about it and how you were always so self conscious about getting intimate and I’m just so happy and proud of you for being at the point where you are ready and willing and I’m so glad that you have so much trust in me and that together we were able to explore ourselves and each other’s bodies and love in another way. I mean, for so long you would only let me kiss you cheek or forehead and then you started letting me kiss your lips and neck and touch your waist and thighs and now,” Kyubin paused, you heard him choke up. Sitting up to look at your boyfriend fully you were surprised to see his waterline becoming, well, water. Kyubin was crying and you had never really seen him cry. At least not at something like this. “I’m sorry I’m just, I mean..god y/n I am so fucking proud of you and so so happy that you trusted me enough to get this intimate with you and I just.” Kyubin allowed tears to fall from his eyes and you watched the clear drops roll down his beautiful cheekbones. He squeezed your hand as a way of letting you know he was alright.

For a long while you two just looked into each other’s eyes. Kyubin’s were red from crying but he was still the most beautiful man you had ever seen in your entire life. His beauty showed in more than one way and suddenly you were filled with so many emotions you started to cry. This only brought more tears into Kyubin’s eyes. “Oh Kyubin I love you.” You exclaimed quite literally throwing your arms around him. Your arms wrapped around his neck, your face buried in his chest.

Kyubin’s arms gently wrapped around your waist, one hand on the small of your back to other petting your hair. “I love you too darling. I love you and I am in love with you and I always will be and I will never stop. Ever.”

JESUS FUCK I’m sorry if this was too long but boy I do be proud of myself indeed. I’m sorry Kyubin just makes me feel certain things. I hope anyone reading this enjoyed it uwu.

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