#idk im still ruminating on the possibility

[bogkeep]

is it really plausible that i, a bundle of neuroses barely held together with duct tape, could have Anxiety for real

[todayisafridaynight]

any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that

if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it

[thesherrinfordfacility]

im losing my MIND bUT here you go have some thoughts on the second coming

so we start with the below screenshots from the trailer where we have a statue of gabriel close up holding the crucifix, and then the next shot with beelzebub where there is no cross and instead what looks to be a bundle in its arms (i don't think it's a shadow bc it looks too opaque, too human shaped (think voldemort in goblet of fire lmao) AND the lighting from above on the stone would be more illuminated???)

the clue to where this is in the storyline however is that gabriel looks to be dressed in his lighter coloured heaven clothes, so before he loses his memory/flashback?

so this is presumably where gabriel has arrived on earth to retrieve jesus, possibly tucks him into a pristine moving-day cardboard box (i feel like the 'this way up' is both literal in that one shouldnt hold christ upside down as well as being a direction to deliver it to heaven?)

and given that gabriel heralded the birth of jesus in the first place, its perhaps all hinged on gabriel himself that the second coming happens, ergo if they eradicate gabriel, then there's no second coming, and therefore there's no tilting of the scales to favour heaven in the eventual war that will follow

anyway i reckon there must be a tussle with beelzebub or demons in general in the graveyard because then it seems like beelzebub gets discorporated possibly in the graveyard (hence the marker in the opening sequence) and gets temporarily demoted back in hell for losing gabriel/jesus (leaving a power vacuum for shax???)

update: AYOO @goth-maudra had them eagle EYES and spotted this!!!!

WE SEE YOU SHAX 💅

update 18/07: ayo fucking called it???

but gabriel either gets possessed by jesus (see: funny as fuck) or something just generally happens to him in this fight that makes him lose his memory and possibly lose track of the box, so the whole thing gets all messed up and noone knows where jesus has gotten to... but god sends aziraphale a clue (✨✨A cLuE✨✨) to tracking it down, in the shape of the everyday record and the resurrectionist pub address (lmao is jesus in the JUKEBOX???) on a fucking post-it note

or maybe hell had something to do with gabriel losing his memory (shax? idk but that could be the motive for her getting chummy with crowley in the first place) (i promise I'm not hating on shax my beloved but she SCARES me) in an effort to stall the second coming and now they're trying to retrieve and kill goob to forestall it altogether

but what they didnt count on is a smart, fastidious, nosy lil angel boy sticking his oar in and getting there first, and being a good enough person to hide goob in the first place but i disgress

and beelzebub, knowing that there's a retired angel on earth and gabriel might naturally gravitate towards there, infiltrates the bookshop as a wee fly (funny af in the goob clip of him swatting them with books BUT also the fly is like centre placement in beelzebub's character poster... COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT) and feeds this back to shax, so shax gets chummy with the demon that she replaced 👀👀 and tries to get him to turn on aziraphale and pressure him to luring goob out of the shop so hell can get to him, pressing crowley's Jealousy and Possessiveness buttons to her advantage

now idk how i feel about goob getting lost/leaving the shop and aziraphale has to track him down by going to Edinburgh, ill need to ruminate on this more, but crowley saying 'ooooh hell won't like that' and infiltrating (see: strolling blithely into heaven cosplaying bill nighy in love actually) makes me HOPE that he is still fighting the good fight but something is niggling at me as to why he ends up on the throne in hell and NOT in the bookshop when the demon attack is taking place, that makes me think major angst will happen and crowley ends up inadvertently supporting hell in getting goob and preventing the second coming

sigh now i need to go update my episode timeline how the fUCK do i summarise this

[omegasmileyface]

may not apply to anybody else but

some notes from my experience gradually becoming more involved with the world immediately around me

(as someone who never got involved in a social life or communities of any sort as a kid and moved a lot and now lives in the middle of nowhere)

taking walks lets me see the houses close to mine and what sort of things they come with (sports team merch, outdoors equipment, political signs, food gardens, etc.)

it also lets me see resources around me. i wouldnt know that there was an open community garden and a storage center just down the street without lookin around on walks

(you can also look around while driving! less time to ruminate but still some)

my state's PBS channel does a ton of local news and documentary coverage! theyre available for free online! its a good place to start

newspapers can be hard to keep up with and also sad if theyre as political as the one here, but they still have relevant stuff

my town and the closest city both have websites, and event newsletters! like, by email!

sometimes things you have zero interest in on their own can be important in your community. .....specifically, im talking about sports. a lot of people like sports by their own right and thats great for them but personally i have never been able to give a shit. ESPECIALLY high school sports (or school spirit in general), which happens to be pretty much The Biggest Thing in a whooole lot of american communities. im currently learning that you can engage a little in the high school sports scene without meaningfully caring the vast majority of the time! ...i havent quite figured out HOW yet, but i know its possible. step one is small talk when people say something about the teams, i guess. or superficially saying you hope Local Team wins State or whatever. the community involvement can be more fun than the actual sport! i spent a lot of words on this one but its a big one to me idk

browsing little stores is one of my favorites. even if you dont actually care what theyre selling. just walking around, making small talk with the employees/owner if youre able to, stuff like that

see if there just happens to be what you want. i have a bad habit of just ASSUMING that they dont have anything here. "i live in the middle of nowhere, of course theres no food not bombs division / punk scene / parkour studio / improv theater" ... its worth actually checking lol. like, recently i learned that theres... well, ok, theres no public transportation. but theres this shuttle service that works between a couple stops a few hours a week thats KINDA like public transportation!

talk to people. its so hard its so hard if you have autism or social anxiety or no practice or a lot of fears or all of the above (hi) and im also sure youve heard it a million times but its usually worth trying

use cash if youre shopping locally. idk it keeps the community independent or whatever. also keeping cash on you is a good habit, since youre gonna want to be giving buskers and homeless people and such money whenever possible. and thats waaay easier with cash.

bank locally? and other such... necessary expenses. if possible! as everything tends toward monopolization its hard to have control over who does your banking or electricity or insurance or what have you. im lucky to live in montana, basically the only state where independent banks thrive. still, worth looking around and seeing what you can do

......i really cant overstate the power of the websites (town chamber of commerce website, local news station website, local radio station website) and newspapers as hubs for finding more stuff. a lot of the time, theyll have little 2 sentence blurbs that tell you that something exists, and then you can look that thing up on its own and maybe find a phone number or a mailing list.

last one ok i havent tried this one out on my own bc im scared (reminder that this is not an instructional post this is an observation of my own experience) but i have a theory that dating apps are a good place to find people your age in your area. they might be upset that youre trying to connect with them as acquaintances on a service literally meant for romance, but... well, they dont exactly have anything like it for friends. (nothing mainstream enough to actually work, anyway.)

also this is gonna sound dumb but look at posters and fliers

[orowyrm]

i spent my formative years navigating incredibly toxic kinblr circles in like 2016 desperately trying to earn the favor of whichever of my mutuals seemed Most Popular in my mind for like. honestly i dont really remember why it was so important to teenage me but it was like life or death in my mind. and to be quite frank i am still to this day fighting off that gut reaction to appeal to as many people via my online presence as possible . constantly policing myself to make sure im not too cringe or whatever the hell so i dont chase anyone away. even though it literally does not matter and only causes undue stress. idk im jsut ruminating on these thoughts they dont mean much. im not owned im not owned etc etc

[heartfucksmouth]

can't sleep. I find it hard to get comfortable lately and I'm kind of dreading not being able to lay on my stomach or back bc my hips are so shitty. I'm so glad I already have a body pillow but dang.

moreso, I woke up to pee and then was wide awake because I was thinking of the painful and stressful overtone in the house when it comes to myles mom. I don't want my partner to be in distress like this. and my mom offered for us to go stay with her and maybe we could save to buy a house (i really do not want to get stuck in the housing system as well, esp bc myles wouldnt be able to live with me from what ive read), but that brings its own problems with boundaries and I'm not speaking to my dad (definitively and with no end in sight) but my mom talks to him every day and sees him weekly. so it would be a relief bc we wouldn't have daily beratement and feeling like we (but mainly myles) can't exist and take up space and that im put on a pedastal bc im ~female and all men are disappointments and fuck ups or something, but I'd be inviting other potential chaos and confrontation - unless my mom really truly gets that she needs to keep her relationship with my dad separate. and I'm not her daily sounding board... I need my space. it sucks so much to feel like im stuck in this again, but it's not surprising either.

I also briefly freaked out about how we would file taxes after the baby is born. I don't even file bc of my ssdi income, but having a child might change that. and then we can't get married or I lose my ssdi payments - to get the tax breaks of having a dependent/child... so I'm just like... what is going to happen with that?

the stigma and, essentially political position, of being disabled and pregnant is ever-present in my mind.

also myles mom was like "if it's a girl, ill try to soften" and I'm like lmao but if it's a boy?? you'll continue your legacy of emotional abuse and calling the men in your life retards and making them feel worthless and flawed?? no fucking thank you...

like, fuck parents like these. I can't wait to raise my kid conscientiously and intentionally so they turn out to be a compassionate human with emotional regulation skills.

also, the whole "mother" and gendered stuff isn't usually super present in my mind, but since I'm awake and ruminating, that came up too. I do feel more female and womanly being pregnant, its hard not to, and i dont think i should be ashamed of it bc any femininity i embody tends to be both soft and strong, and i think thats empowering? I chose nonbinary to describe myself bc I really don't care for the binary we have of gender, but I don't think that negates having a more fluid relationship with gender. everyone basically calls me she/her, but I feel very clear on defining myself as nonbinary. I don't usually care how people refer to me, I think it's just too tiresome for me to bother with personally. I know how i feel, and I get that it's confusing for people to understand . I still get caught up trying to explain it, but to me, it's simply an authentic feeling and allowing myself to .. accept where I'm at every day is very self-compassionate. idk if this makes sense, it's almost 2am lol

plus everyone's question is when we find out the gender of the baby lol. me and myles talked about having the main baby clothing color be green bc I hate how clothing colors are gendered. we talked about possibly a gender neutral name, but we'll see. small things like that feel really supportive to me!

I felt some weird guilt or something after sharing the news and ultrasound with more people. everyone is so so happy for us, but . idk I almost felt shame for being happy - or like it's gonna get taken from me etc. I think it's a very vulnerable position bc there is so much attention on me and judgements are always being passed. maybe it's trying to control people's expectations of me or something, and I'm sure it's internalized stuff I still have to work through.

I just want to sleep.

[turing-tested]

hey hal its totally okay if you decide to not answer this especially since it can be a pretty sensitive topic...

but stuff has been happening and i just wanted to know how,, like,, you deal with knowing lots of strangers online hate you for things taken out of context or things that everyone knows dont matter half as much as fandom spaces pretend they do. i know what you went through and your experience with being ""cancelled"" was pretty rough but you seem like you at least dont let it affect you anymore... and im sorry if this ask is too personal! please feel totally free to ignore it! but yeah,,, i thought id ask for some advice because i look up to you a lot and i just. idk man. its tough. its taking a lot out of me and i dont know how to deal

ngl, id go on record as saying unfortunately it does affect me to a great extent and I want you to know that 'being accused of and believed to be an evil person' is a horrible thing to experience. it's a hard thing not to internalize. it's hard to get around and commonly we understand that when parents accuse their children of having ulterior motives or being accused of being horrible people by strangers can hurt just as much as those who are close to us. it's a trauma. it can fuck with you and it can leave scars. the human brain and your conceptualization of yourself doesn't live in a vacuum. if you tell a child that they're bad and awful, they'll believe it and it can take years to undo.

I still cry when I talk about it sometimes. and for a long time I couldn't talk about it without shaking and crying always. no amount of 'just don't let it get to you' will fix what I'd consider very much scars that might be excerbated by things that I went through trauma wise as a child.

it hurts and it can suck and you're valid in the way you feel. no man is an island.

the thing that helps me and keeps me sane is talking to my friends, and it's one of the things that helped me most is turning to people who DO know me and care about me and who HAVE seen me at my worst and even then, I don't let on on all the rumination I do and think about and how much I feel like if I was just a better person, I wouldn't have ever had anything mean said about me. you and I both know that people don't need a reason to say things about others that hurt.

so my honest answer is that I'll probably need therapy for what I went through to unpack the incredible damage it did to my self worth. I'll probably need assurances and to talk about it to people I trust for the rest of my life. but it also isn't something that's broken me or made me any less me, I'm just a little more hurt than I was and it's still possible to just keep going, no matter what.

tldr: there's not a fix but I'd suggest focusing on things that make you happy and talking to friends about how it affects you and to a therapist if you have one and to understand that everyone on earth has someone who just doesn't like them and that you can't live your life trying to please someone who will never like anything you do

[rae-gar-targaryen]

ok so i finally got around to reading amor fati, not because i didn’t want to before but because i went out and drank more than i ever did in my life the other night and was just a sluggish amateur adult the next day or so with the will to do nothing but lay down…. but even in my laziness i thought of this fic and the feelings id be feeling once id read everything… lets just say rae babe you do not disappoint.

i think at this point we both know we have this mutual affinity for nature metaphors and metaphysics and all that jazz so naturally id love your little italicized blurbs stuck in the middle and just at the end of each section. This one to be exact “But forever is made of little nows��� which is followed later, on purpose or otherwise by “Willing to banter with you a bit more” and idk i just thought to myself yes!! These little endearing moments, light touches and soft words, the intimacy. In the moment they always seem so small and too intangible of a thing to be sure of but these two, Druig and Selene, literally have an eternity. They have the time to see everything manifest from nothing into every and anything. They have forever to love, and fall away and come back together again and i just think that is so amazing, the way you did that.

i was trying to come up with a way to like describe the way your writing makes me feel, how the words greet me when i read them and all i could come up with was weightless but idk it felt more like an insult than praise because any writer wants there words to have weight and yours does. but theres this angelic-ness to them, very light and feathery, contemplative and almost intangible in the sense that im always trying to touch them but they’re just too far in the ether. They are more so washing over me, and thats how im feeling them, as they settle way down and allow me to ruminate about how its all organized. yea this was unnecessarily long, i could’ve just said i enjoyed this but idk, i feel like what you do, what you put into this is worth more than a “i really liked this”. especially since i was kinda disappointed by the film in some ways, this made up for somethings for me.

but yeah…. thats it for now, till you write for matt and blow me away again❤️

Mi amor, mi alma, my lovely Jo --

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this. Thank you for reading and for reblogging and sending me this MONSTER of a review. It was beyond what my heart could ever have wished for -- and to receive praise from YOU??? Feels so warm and lovely. I just want to preen in this sunbeam like a very lazy, very proud cat.

First of all -- I hope you had a nice night out, and recovery was restful! I had a bit of an evening myself on Saturday night (after posting) where my friend and I started inventing cocktails. It was... perhaps not an advisable evening, but a VERY fun one.

Second -- YES!!! Game recognize game! I love the poetry, the symmetry, the subtle interwoven connections replete throughout YOUR writing, and you know how much I admire it, and you! So to hear that praise from you?? Really makes me feel something special.

And as far as the whole "weighted words," thing... I know EXACTLY what you mean and dont mind me as I cry -- because you've picked up on something in my writing that I never really bothered to put words to, but have always tried to do. And no one has ever really said anything about it quite like this -- that sometimes there are delicate ways to say "heavy" things. Sometimes, I find others' writing to be particularly heavy-handed, or the wording is too direct, with no surrounding "cushion" of build up or feeling. And it just feels -- abrasive to me? So, I try to make my writing as soft and dreamlike as possible, while still maintaining conversational realism and actions.

I just hope it translates. But I'm so honored that you put it like that!

ILYSM! I hope you're doing well. And YESSSS -- Shhhhh, but I'm jotting notes for a potential Matt fic as we SPEAK. Maybe I'll send you a screenshot of the nastiness in my notes app. LOL.

[archer3-13]

since ive been ruminating a lot over rasa, gaara and suna in general recently, and i felt the need to sortta articulate a realization i had in which i dont particularly like yashimaru but i do kinda like rasa. namely the sequence of events and how they happened in regards to gaaras edgy and somewhat nonsensical backstory

1. suna is hit by an economic slump brought on by war and konoha out competing them, rasa at the councils discretion decides that they need to weaponize the ichibi in order to stay competitive

2. rasa decides for whatever reason that the ichibi has to be sealed in one of his children. presumably its a matter of compatibility with the chakra as neither of rasas first born children show compatibility with the ichibi

3. chiyo is called in to do the sealing on the kazekages third and yet to be born child. chiyo presumably being the most skilled medical expert in the village decides that carving the seal and shoving shukaku directly into the yet to be born child is the way to go, this presumably causes the medical complications resulting in the death of gaaras mother

4. rasa now has a jinchuriki child on his hands. at some point said child begins lashing out by accident with sand which is seen as a manifestation of the ichibis power. this causes said childs pariah status from already being a jichuriki to worsen as he seemingly possesses no control over said power and is possibly lashing out intentionally as far as everyone else knows

5. for everyone elses safety rasa has yashimaru act as gaaras caretaker and handler on a daily basis, well rasa primarily handles teaching gaara ninja skills and presumably trying to instill a sense of control in gaara. its not working however and the erratic behaviour of gaaras sand gets worse

6. gaara, now six, is deemed a failure by the suna council. as originally depicted rasa agrees with this assessment and prepares an assassination against gaara, one which yashimaru willingly volunteers for due to a deep seated anger towards gaara. this is later retconned as rasa placing one more test to see the limit of gaaras mental and physical control with the ichibi, one which he assigns yashimaru for.

7. regardless, the assassination attempt fails and yashimaru is critically injured. as originally depicted due to his deep seated anger towards gaara, yashimaru berates gaara emotionally to the point of deep seated trauma before blowing himself up as a last ditch attempt and to rub salt in the wound. this is retconned to... yashimaru not feeling that way but still applying the same actions anyways of his own volition knowing they would be particularly effective in breaking gaara despite gaara otherwise displaying control over himself in that encounter.

8. gaara, now thoroughly psychotic, lets the ichibi loose and allows it to rampage across suna. well we dont know the actual death toll or damage caused by this but we can guess based on the devastation the kyubi unleashed that its was particularly costly in terms of lives and damage, and ended with rasa having to forcibly subdue the ichibi.

9. as originally depicted, gaara now having proven himself to be a public menace beyond reasonable public doubt, is the target of countless more assassination attempts ordered by rasa. this is retconned into rasa ordering five additional assassination attempts though largely for the same reasons of gaara proving to be a public menace at that point.

10. regardless, rasa eventually stops the assassination attempts after a while, presumably because gaara displayed a newfound control over the ichibi which frequently rampages during this time. now proving himself to be a useful if erratic asset of sunagakure, rasa assigns gaara to many dangerous missions due to the raw power gaara presumably brings. eventually the chunin exams happen, rasa is killed by orochimaru and gaara makes his heel turn.

like, im not crazy here right? rasas being a dick but he has obligations to being a government leader that requires him to put aside familial wellbeing in favor of common welfare. hes a military dictator like all the kage which carries with it an inherent criminal culpability, but a thats a different discussion, and b he is making an effort to serve his peoples interests unlike say... danzou or tobirama, even if he constantly fucks up at it. yashimaru by comparison is just being a dick for no reason, and actively makes the situation worse by his own volition and initiative. in either variation of events to, in its original form hes actively being malicious for his own satisfaction, and in the retconned version hes going out of his way to be cruel in a way that knows will hurt gaara immensely because of a vague mission parameter.

idk, i just... i just feel yashimaru has a lot more culpability in all this then he seems to actually get.

[wickymicky]

So it's not sorting members and biases, but how would you rank weki meki albums (by whatever criteria you feel like doing lol)?

ooooo hmmmmmm............. thats interesting..... okay i’ll try it haha

WeMe - i actually went into making this list thinking that Lucky would be number 1, but the more i think about it and look at the tracklist... actually i think it’s WeMe lol. IDLYG is such a unique debut song and i dont care what anyone else says lol, i adore that song. Stay With Me is pretty iconic too. it’s not necessarily one of my favorite bsides of theirs, but it’s good. Neverland is underrated though for sure, i really like that song. and then Fantastic is honestly a candidate for being my favorite Weki Meki bside haha that song is just so... i dont even know, lol. undercover. superlover.

Lucky - this is one of the most solid mini albums in kpop, imo. Lucky is a fantastic intro, La La La is such an underrated title track, Iron Boy and Metronome both slap... i like the album’s vibe a lot

Hide and Seek - Oopsy is great, and Dazzle Dazzle was included on the album too, and normally when previous non-album singles are included in a subsequent album i think it’s kind of a waste of a space, but in terms of making a list like this, i gotta factor in the fact that this album has two title tracks on it lol. in this instance that’s a good thing. but not just that, Moya Moya is another one of my favorite bsides from them. The Paradise is fantastic too, i really wanna see what other stuff Suyeon writes if this is what we can expect haha. honestly with how much i wrote about this one... maybe i even like it more than Lucky? i’ve been thinking that Lucky is their best or one of their best mini albums for basically the whole time that i’ve been into Weki Meki, so i’m gonna have to put more thought into this before i make a decision that drastic hahaha. for me, that’s a big deal lol, i dont wanna just declare Hide and Seek better than Lucky unless im 100% sure. i’ll ruminate on this

Lock End LOL/Week End LOL - okay, so, this single album is above their other remaining mini album. oops. normally i wouldnt ever put a single album above a mini album (and probably wouldnt put a mini album above a full album), but like... this one has PICKY PICKY and TIKI TAKA lmao... i’ve listened to Tiki Taka more than countless other songs from groups i also love, and i’ve probably listened to Picky Picky more than i’ve listened to some entire groups, lol. and Whatever U Want is ANOTHER favorite bside. Petal Fortune is nice, i like it, but it’s not something i listen to that often. but so those first three songs are incredible and they literally (not a joke) changed my life haha, Picky Picky is my favorite kpop song of all time... but the reason this album isn’t higher is just because tbh i would need another banger song, i think. at least one more. it has my favorite song on it, but it is just a single album, even with the Tiki Taka repackage. 

Kiss Kicks - okay now things are getting controversial. Crush isn’t my favorite title track and i’ve made no secret of that lol (but i do still love it, dont get me wrong), but i love True Valentine. ive been saying various bsides are “possibly my favorite”, but i think if i had to actually pick one (and only one) favorite bside right now, it’d probably be True Valentine. but so the controversial thing about this placement probably isnt the fact that Kiss Kicks is so low... because it’s only a single album with just three songs on it.... the controversial thing is that this album is above-

New Rules - sjdklmvldsfg,sf;lg. i LOVE Cool. it was my fifth favorite song last year, which is like super high praise from me lol, i put a LOT of thought into my top 10 list. being in my top 5 is like putting it in the S Tier lol. but uhhhhh idk... i’m just not feeling any of the bsides. Just Us, the one that the members wrote, is nice and it’s meaningful but it’s not something i’ve listened to very often. i dont even remember D-Day (that’s my bad, i should listen to it again). and Sweet Dreams... i know a lot of people like it, but... and this is gonna be a controversial opinion... i just can’t get into it. i could elaborate on that but i’ve written enough already lol... i don’t hate it, it just doesnt really work for me, it’s hard to explain.... well anyway lol. I do love Cool though

i could edit these to be more readable, it’s really clear that i’m just talking to myself in a stream of consciousness, but i’m not gonna proofread lmao this is just a tumblr post. i just like to ramble about the things i like haha, thank you for giving me an opportunity to do so hahaha. i already think about this kinda stuff on my own, without posting it lol

[hotshotshitshow]

i guess just because ive been on a roll lately and also oversharing is my lifelong passion i want to verbal diarrhea a lil bit about my own experience of coming to the conclusion that im a lesbian so pls feel free to ignore if u want or whatever i just have Lots Of Thoughts and i just want to get them out. this gets sort of weirdly long winded and shouty and ranty so im sorry. catharsis!

even now i still feel some level of .... idk? shame? regret? i dunno. about the fact that i didnt come to the conclusion that i was a lesbian until i was 25 bc that feels so late to me even though i know for a fact that there are countless other people who came to similar realizations about themselves when they were much older than me.

and ngl there is even a little bit of envy that there are so many kids so much younger than me who seem so sure of their identities (even though i know there are loads of kids who arent sure!!!) and there are moments where i catch myself thinking of myself as “less of a lesbian” because i didnt allow myself to face the fact that i was one until fairly recently ..... and i am still learning so much and trying to cultivate my own identity and just all around see myself as “less experienced” (whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean) than others which undoubtedly is a part of the massive chasm that all my self confidence gets sucked into daily.

but like obviously its not like just BOOM one day i was like “from here on out i am a lesbian now!!!!!!! :)” bc even from a very young age i was always more drawn to women and could not wrap my head around the idea that someday i would have to marry a man and completely idealized my mom’s best friend who was a big burly woman who drove a truck and wore flannels and knew that i wanted to be just like her when i grew up and never ever marry a dude (which in retrospect was sort of weird because my mom usually hates women like that and i grew up with her periodically warning me to “stay away from fucking dykes theyre mean awful ugly women”)

and then the always confusing for everyone period of middle school where i dated a boy for three days before breaking it off because the whole situation gave me more anxiety than i could deal with but i just chalked it up to me being an emotionally immature teen but also being completely obsessed with my best girl friend and wanting to impress her and have her attention all the time and being unable to understand why i was so upset when she started dating some  guy and me just assuming that i was upset because i had a crush on him that id never realized i had before

and then id go home and spend hours online looking up content for my favorite shoujo-ai anime ships and talking with other wlw on the gaiaonline guild forums and asking them questions about how you knew if you were gay or not and if liking almost exclusively girl/girl ships meant you were gay and only being told in response “plenty of heterosexual girls like girl/girl ships!! youre the only one who can tell if youre gay or not!! :)” and just feeling completely confused and alone and having no idea what to think!!!! and then having one day that i remember very specifically where i had a shining moment of clarity for all of half an hour where i thought “i AM a lesbian!!!” and feeling so happy in that moment before my brain took over with the thoughts of “but what if you come across one particular guy sometime...... can’t rule out that possibility” but i knew i really wanted to be a lesbian but just could not allow myself to think i was one

and then fast forwarding up to undergrad where i briefly dated an online guy friend (hi) for like. a month? and then abruptly breaking that off in the worst way possible because i had no fucking clue what i was doing and once again chalked it all up to being emotionally immature and from that moment out identified as aromantic because i figured there was something fucking wrong with me and romance was just not something i could do!!!!! and thinking there was absolutely no fucking way i could be a lesbian and it was completely not even remotely an option because there were certain aesthetic things about men that i appreciated and also never once having had a “proper crush” on anyone or at least not one that i could identify because everyone always talked about love feeling like fireworks and something big and id never felt that for anyone ever so obviously that meant i was incapable of love!!!! so i shoved the whole notion of trying to figure myself out way way way down and didnt look at it for years afterwards 

until i got into graduate school and for some fucking reason my brain decided it was time to dig all that old shit back up and i SUDDENLY COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN SCREAMS. and feeling more attracted to women than ever even though i always knew that i liked women 

and i still couldnt entertain the idea that i might be a lesbian because even though id been in a very happy relationship with beansly for a few years at that point and knew for a fact i was not aromantic there was still that thought of “Ok But What If You Meet One Guy Sometime”

and this sounds dumb as fuck but it wasnt until beansly straight up told me “if i had to label you id think you were a lesbian” that my brain went “what if theyre right” (TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY WENT NOPE but acknowledged that the fact that they called me that made me feel really really good) (but kept thinking about that and kept bringing it back up to myself and ruminating over and over and over it) and then even more dumb as fuck i couldnt admit it to myself until i saw a fucking tumblr post that had something to the effect of “a common thing for lesbians who dont know theyre lesbians yet is that they really want to be a lesbian. its ok to be a lesbian” AND THEN I FUCKING CRIED LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY AND HID UNDER MY BLANKIES but the fucking relief and validation my dude but then being presented with a whole new heap of Problems such as “how the fuck do i come out to people. everyone will think i am faking and Not Enough” and just having to deal with the struggle of owning that label and allowing myself to feel good about it and not let my brain convince me that i am somehow unworthy. and i am completely worthy because i love women and not men and thats the one fucking qualification i need to meet so my brain can go fuck itself into oblivion. ive spent so much time worrying over how much of myself i owe to men and holding myself back for a man that does not exist and will never exist and part of why i keep excitedly bringing up the fact that im a huge fucking lesbian is because in my mind its a huge testament to my personal progress and taking ownership over myself and no longer holding myself back over hypotheticals

so yeah anyway at the end of the day i still have so much more growing i need to do and i still see myself as a small shakey little chihuahua with a big mouth but i am a damn stronger person than i was even a year ago!!!! and learning that your attraction and what label you identify with is supposed to make you feel good was one of the best things i ever learned. i just really wish i could have had the self awareness or at least resources that i have now when i was younger and could have figured it out a little sooner. i know it doesnt make me “lesser” and technically i am still a very young person and have my whole life ahead of me but. idk i just wish id had it in me to be more honest with myself sooner. idk how other people can be so sure of themselves when they are so much younger. that just wasnt me i guess

[jascnbrody-archive]

think i got it.

i post a lot abt smugly Knowing How J Works w/out like ever talking abt how i think j works. or even like.. what his fam is like bc i think thats like, important. esp w the themes of the game (u kno what vaas says.)

n theres probably parts of the game/j that i read like completely wrong and against what ubisoft wanted or planned. like i rly dnt think js parents are like Blown Out Fully Rich like i think. i think. js dads parents. are rich. country club rich. i dnt think his parents are. i think js dad had a really basic job as like, either a security dude or like, a coast guard. n his mom ran a restaurant w her mom. (who i for like. no reason think is cuban. im white. so its not like, to make him more relatable to me like i think its just i want j to kno spanish so i want him to have it in his genealogy. and like him being........... even slightly mixed honestly rly fucks w the whole. thing. (also rileyd get his curly hair from there. i think his hair honestly throws me thru a loop even tho curly haired white people arent like, weird or anything)) but yeah theyre like upper upper middle class but, like, not Rich rich. 

ANYWAY...........  i think his mom was a rly private and snarky person. she cares a lot abt her kids but like. she struggles w emotions n j got that from her. i think he does have like, depression mostly bc he cant figure out what hes doing and no one will like. be honest w him. and he literally cannot reflect inward and that causes like, stress for him. bc he’ll Feel Wrong but not be able to place why. bc he cant reflect. he cant blame himself. and he cant be open abt any feelings he does have bc he cant even really decipher them.

he is like, actively suicidal and harming himself but not in like any way that anyone he lives w watches for. drinking is just “his lifestyle” and him loving to go skydiving is just j being daring and not “i hope this parachute fails so i dont have to think abt a career”

like hes cheating on liza (Often.) to force Her the be the one to break up w him bc he doesnt like, want to confront or think on the fact that hes not happy and theres Ways To Solve That. hes not looking to get better hes looking to get worse bc hes already given up on like Doing Something.

ALSO he really doesnt feel guilt right. like he’ll Feel it but not Deeply. he mostly just feels guilty abt having to Fake Guilt. like hes aware of it. he knows how he should feel bc hes like... seen it on other people. and he can recognize when he does something Really Very Wrong n he’ll be like “😬😬😬😬 ooop” but then he’ll like. make a joke abt it. (his one liners................ like its part trauma part like, he honest 2 god doesnt think its serious.)

i think hes got to like.. face that after he beats riley bc thats like, the worst thing (to him) that hes done. n it Makes Him Feel Bad bc he like, went too far n he knos he went too far. like he didnt have to shove a thumb into rileys Gaping Wound like he did that bc he rly wanted to hurt riley bc ?? he ? just did ? its not like its something He Learned. no ones done that to Him. he doesnt mind hurting people. he was told to hurt riley. riley said he could hurt him. so j Hurt Him. like he just Did it.

n him (ykno. possibly.) killing his friends would never be to be with citra its like. its just bc he (wouldve) wanted to. hes given the chance to hurt someone and he has to convince himself Not to hurt them. hes Not like vaas. (it sounds like vaas but its not .  that i cant explain . vaas is totally different in what he does. hes theatrical abt it but hes understanding of the impression and trauma hes faced bc of violence hes seen and been a part of. jason has been searching for a chance to be violent since he was born. vaas had no choice and like, j doesnt really either, but even if he did hed have chosen the path of violence. vaas wouldve loved something more quiet.)

i still think he mopes abt what hes done. for a time. like up until vaas comes back around and then j sees. what its really like to Have Thoughts abt what youve done. then he realizes he like, doesnt even really mean half of it. and Thats what was really getting to him. idk. j just doesnt kno much and he cant read into much and he cant comprehend what he does and why he does it. hes sort of blank. hes just a dude who wanted to do whatever he wanted.

and its not like he Doesnt feel bad. like his body count is huge. he nearly killed his friends. he beat the fuck out of his little brother. he feels bad about Things but not the entire thing. hes got things he’ll pick out as like “that was fucked up of me, woops :(” but overall hes like. going to choose to stay on the island. so he can up his body count (and brag about it probably. and any sort of Interesting Kill he did.). and be with vaas. which he feels 0 guilt over.

also i probably think of him as being too like. impervious. and quiet? like. he rly talks a decent bit. hes noisy. hes p loud. but i think of him as a rly quiet person?? like when i think of vaas n j talking i think honestly of vaas just monologuing and j only like. nodding and grunting in response. i think j just goes silent a lot unless he can like. make a joke. or on the rare occasion where he like Realizes smthn abt what vaas or someone else said. bc like he’ll Listen when he wants to (which with vaas (and vaas only. vaas’d get so much special treatment and he wouldnt even like, kno. bc he has nothing to compare it to until j starts telling vaas stories abt california n how he acted there (*)). is most times) and when theres like, no distractions, and he’ll think but most things he wont take to heart unless vaas words it Just Right so j can understand fully.

i guess thats like, a big comfort to me. j finds a place he can be happy. he finds someone he can be honest and blunt w. like vaas might expect j to be just as emotional as him but like........ him being so much like a brick wall wont like, change how vaas feels for him. j is still someone vaas is like, able to talk At. and get a response of any sort. itll Agitate him a lot like hes gonna say things he wants j to ruminate on esp when they like, first talk and j is just. like. not going to have much to say. its going to be Insulting to vaas but its smthn he has to like, learn to work around? j takes and listens to what vaas has to say once they get common ground under em but its just not in him to put words to feelings. 

anyway also everything bouncing off j like its nothing is also like. smthn i wish i had.

[pure-o-soft]

hey! so uh im newly turned 16 and i found someone who i thought was attractive but i was questioning their age bc they looked young but not? i found out they were like 12 almost 13 and im like oh jesus no nevermind! found more pics of them and im like more clearly now oh yea they’re a kid and even before knowing their age thinking they were older im like they look kinda young (which was a few months ago) so i was like ehhh. but having pocd i am kinda freaking out about it? Like ik a normal-

-a normal person would just be like “oh nvm ew lol” but having ocd? i possibly checked out a person who was younger knowing they may have been younger but also thinking they were older than that and now im freaking out that im a pedophile! does this happen to normal people? checking out someone younger than finding out they ARE younger and then be like lol nvm? if it does then im okay right? its a mistake not a “sign im a pedo” right? - also i cant remember if i saw parent monitored on her insta page??? You have to put that on their before yr 13 (or when? Idk) but i think i thought maybe her parents still monitored it bc the girl did not look 12 at all i thought she was arnd 14. even then tho i was iffy how old but now looking at her knowing now im like “okay ew its obvious now nvm!” and i pictured doing stuff to see if i liked it (its like my reassurance.) and i didnt! i felt grossed out but id still like some reassurance

Hey there!

When things like this happen, I know it can be confusing and upsetting - especially if you have OCD. But it’s good that you’re questioning whether your behaviour is normal or whether it’s part of your disorder! It can be hard to recognize Obsessive-compulsive patterns, though it does become easier when you learn more about OCD and work with a professional!

Like you said, sometimes people can look older then they actually are, and then when someone finds out this person is younger then they thought, they’ll do that “ew nevermind.” If finding out that they’re a child makes you lose that attraction, then you aren’t a pedophile. Of course, it is always your (and anyone’s) responsibility to know the age of people you’re fantasizing about or pursuing (a.k.a there are no “accidents”). 

But, thinking about the specifics will most likely not help you in the long run! It’s really good to remember that it isn’t the theme that is the problem, but the process of obsessing and doing compulsions that brings all this doubt, guilt and anxiety. You mentioned reassurance in your ask, and it’s good that you’re recognizing that compulsion! I think it would be beneficial for you if you made a list of the compulsions that you often do (this can be reassurance seeking from other people or online, confessing, avoidance, checking ages obsessively, checking or testing yourself, ruminating, etc.) These are the things that you can learn to control which will ultimately help your anxiety! But it can be hard to know where to start with that on your own, which is why it might be a good idea to seek professional help for what you’re going through! I know it can seem so daunting to tell these scary thoughts to someone, but it’s good to keep in mind that they’re professionals and anything you say will be confidential! If you have any more questions, don’t hesitate to ask! Wishing you the best of luck

[txicgf]

ok but low-key the idea of commit die via cop is kind of so sexy to me. like id never (maybe) but it's like............ a foolproof way without me having to pull the trigger myself . like it's fucked up like really fucked up and maybe this is the sleep deprivation talking but y'know i have had my list of ""methods"" since i was a wee little girl but i TOTALLY forgot about that way. and now it's like #2 on my list lmao

#1 is deth via mixing benzos+opiates+alkyhol but idk maybe im keeping my actual #1 spot for whatever i actually decide to do when i do it, but that was the plan since i was little up until earlier this year when everything happened with family member od so now it just reminds me of that and makes me sad and knowing that HE literally did actually die even if he survived was absolutely a very sobering thought and reality check about my sewerslidal ideation so very very very less inclined to do it now in that way .

the other method i think would be easy would be electrocution although i worry i don't know enough about how electrocution works to say anything about the pain levels but I've been thinking about it a lot recently ..... like

im NOT actively gonna do any of these things anytime soon but. y'know it's hard to unlearn habits you're used to such as: planning your own death . LMAO but it's not like im gonna do any of these soon, like obviously one day because that's the only way im going to let myself pass, like i absolutely am going to do it even if it's not now or any time before may 27, 2031 but i AM going to do it. i just also love to meticulously plan and give myself the time to see if maybe i wanna get better bc im mentally ill but there's a level of awareness i have about it and also honestly im so used to this that im not even sure if i actually want to or if the ideation is a coping mechanism because thinking about it feels like a way out and makes me feel better but at the same time like. yeah i have a brain, and that ideas a lil fucked up idk i lost my train of thought a little bit about this paragraph.

idk anyways what i was originally talking about. like ok im not particularly intimidating so id have to act fucking bonkers or have weapons, id never ever ever ever actually hurt someone physically to provoke an officer and also i have to work out the ethics of i don't like cops and the justice system at all but also the idea of unwittingly taking someone else's life in of itself is a terrifying and harrowing thought and even if i didn't physically harm someone, whoever pulls the trigger is changed forever completely which sucks. an upside is how shitty people are at punishing cops for fucking up if it could be seen as that in this very hypothetical situation (that is ACTUALLY hypothetical i would never do this or at least i would never do this before may 27, 2031) but also still i would deeply and directly traumatize another human being so if i was really gonna do that I'd have to make my peace with that. but also honestly i kinda just want someone to take my life for me lmao . im too lazy and too cowardly to do it myself (so far) or at least i don't wanna deal with actually doing it. i just don't want to exist anymore. i don't wanna be here . but like im gonna deal with it at least until may 27, 2031 unless i get really upset one day and do it on impulse which is a real possibility but not a possibility i see anytime soon because im in a good spot right now and don't feel the need to! i simply like thinking and ruminating on it and having my deadline. plus it's good escapism. and hey the deadline doesn't even mean death it could just mean abandoning everyone and everything, moving to Alaska and going by joanne for the rest of forever :)

[aqua-gem-in-eye]

"With an auspicious and a dropping eye, with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage" -Hamlet act 1 scene 2

So Hamlet right, I must have rewatched Hamlet (the Mel Gibson version, frankly about 5 times already... passed over the last week on the Hulus and will continue to do so because uuuhhh idk, maybe its that I've recognized that it is the adult version of The Lion King story but also I really think I love how prolific it is) Hamlet jr. not Hamlet the 👻 phantom or Danny phantom uh wrong show... the former Royal Dane deceased, rest in piece oh no but he can't because he did not recieve penance from a clergyman in his untimely, MURDEROUS death! Claudius you murderous bitch >:^0 Yes not that Hamlet but his predecessor baby Hamlet, like baby Jesus but with more vigor and spite. Hamlet. is. hilarious. here. (I can't get enough, its 🍠👈 hamalicous... think thats a yam 👀) suave precursor I got to say, I love Glenn Close, I love Helena Bonham Carter. I think they are what make the movie fantastic. Trust. look up the scenes with 👑 Queen Gertrude and Ophelia respectively and you'll see why ! The 1996 unabridged version is the more preferred version without precedent because it has the whole script inside of it hence the movie being 4. hrs. long. Nevertheless both are great, casting never failed to recant an epic tale on either end.

The quote I have up there meant a lot to me while revisiting the scene, so as not to equate the act of balking at the sight of seeing an incestuous impart of a heart's desire im going to consider that this was the Golden Ages of England where Arts 🎨 flourished and thespians 🃏 ran the streets like love infested 🐕puppies, the poor little damned men. oh and Theaters flourished too. >:^) Too many concepts, ideas, perceptions were elucidated. Out in the open came things to be discussed about, written about, accepted or dismantled. William Shakespeare I guess you're somewhat bearable. im joking omg bad joke he was a great man ?! So yeah technically one of the spouses is dead...oh define dead ? hm not today. This is also supposed to 🐝 the age of like chivalry but it's not because this script goes along the lines of people wanting instant gratification which is really more today's speed you know 2019 rise and grind (which is doing wonders for me because I'm literally waking up rising and grinding !!! my teeth you fools, pay me no mind. yay to the victorious 👏 round of applause, I love you, my babies who don't give up and if you do that's okay ! you have plenty of time to recover "the air bites shrewdly" you rest and eat from the berries 🍓 my angel) right so Hamlet after his encounter with the ghost ceaselessly bruised in his mind implies how noxious matters are in his kingdom. He says in a few lines about his mother Queen Gertrude, "pernicious woman" or "weak thy name is woman" not to say this all falls on the head of women. no no no. this is really about humanity not waiting around for the smoke to clear. Why is there smoke in the first place !? Do not adhere to that smoke ! I pick at phrases such as Young Wild & Free for examplar and whilst I do like what it can offer (picture me as a 🐴🐎 horse speedily running along the mounds and ranges of grass in a very rural and green place) to be Young Wild & Free in some regards I do lend myself to those ideals some... whilst being Young Wild & Free it's more like young... wild... and not so congruently free... a lot of things take a lot of processing and take a lot of pondering that leads to possible notions of true freedom. though are we free? Maybe covertly so but everything is backwards. Lest the quote goes I am mourning the decision to marry hastily to someone that is forbidden unto me and I celebrate in the funeral of my familiar who I cherished. bitch. what. the. fuck. If only you'd seen the snake in your garden Gertrude, now you are like them feeble and blind. No one is really 😇 innocuous in these situations, there is no good or bad just humans being humans. But you will be judged unconditionally. whether you think it is through God or a higher power, dang it their already a monarchy ! 🌎 Earthly or NOT from Earth 👽 all of it is temporal but the actions deliver resonance, they loom over for a time and then they don't, but then again, they might come back to set up camp, still there is significance in that. Its like exhuming the bodies of people who spectated the interactions around them, you know the ones you can pick out from literature and books, those people who took time to write it all down... maybe there are those who created their own monologue in their heads to justify the means on their own in secrecy (i mean yeah there are the deep thinkers but to know that they think deeply and that it may not ever be discovered or known the thoughts that they carried is fucking disheartening)... its almost catholic in a sense that you are on your lonesome stark at night or in daylight, twilight.... what have you! and your thoughts are finally your own. but with books and literature its boding to know that expressions can live longer than spoken words. yeah maybe they found solace in that. Mirth and dirge... how can both be mixed, how can both be intertwined in uncongenial components ? I don't understand it. If there is something still unresolved that ruminates in your heart make it salient that you find a resolve for you, by you. Good night sweet prince. Adieu ~

[gothamcityneedsme]

heyo, i read about 1/4 of candy, and havent read any of the meat epilogue, but i gave up because i think it just mostly wasn't what i expected, and it left me in a pretty sour mood for most of the day, but seeing some of the Hot Takes you've been reblogging makes me intrigued, do you think its worth slogging through?

Honestly it depends on who you are and what Homestuck means to you. Admittedly I am a Homestuck fan for whom Homestuck isn't an integral part of my being--but I do love it and I fully understand people who do value Homestuck deep in their hearts. I think reading it quickly is a bad move regardless--even for me, but i feared the corruption of fandom and spoilers more than I wanted to really take my time. I will probably reread them at a slower pace to ruminate more. If you are to read them, take it slow. If you feel like you need every scrap of Homestuck in your life to understand it, then do so (this is how I largely felt).  

There is a lot that happens and a lot of interpretations you could have based on the events, and it really is a ride. But if it disturbs or hurts you, i dont think pain is worthwhile.

For perspective, i read to Meat 25, then all of candy, then i finished Meat. I personally loved the journey, although reading that much definitely tired me out--ive spent about 24 hours reading (only stopping to sleep/work).

My answer isnt very conclusive Im afraid. I wouldnt suggest the epilogues to everyone--and they dont even actually end Homestuck at all, so its hard to reccommend without more to them. It certainly doesnt inspire fandom creation the same way the Credits did imo--but thats because of how visceral and disturbing the epilogues are tbh. 

Personally, I found it worth it--I am going to analyze it as a part of Homestuck and I will find viewpoints that completely disreguard it as lacking something integral--because I believe seeing a story in its entirety is important--but at the same time, if reading them is harmful, it isnt worth it. 

Make a choice though--read or dont. Summaries cannot possibly do justice to the reading expierence and skimming will not let you think enough to connect the pieces.  Dont do anything inbetween imo

Idk this is difficult to really talk about becuase Im still processing a lot--and its 6am and i havent slept lol. Do whats best for you. If the Skaianet leaks didnt bother you a few months ago, then the epilogues should be easy. (They bothered me a bit, felt disgusting and irreverent--but in a way that is often Homestuck itself--sometimes).