#if only because of the kind of opinions I typically see on my dash

[rickktish]

Maybe it's because I'm a product of my time and place, idk, but sometimes the anti-car posts I see come across my feed get to me in a silly and purely emotional way. Because as much as I love the idea of implementing better public transit, both for the sake of the environment and for the impact it would have on citizen's wallets, I actually know that I personally would almost never use it.

Both for practical reasons, since my work covers an extremely broad area and I frequently drive over a hundred miles each way to and from work in a day, but also because my car is a part of my support system. It's a marker of my independence and ability to care for and provide for myself in spite of the fact that I can't live on my own. It's a safe space that belongs to me and isn't limited by someone else's ownership or control over that space. I bought it with my money, and I pay all the insurance and gas and repair costs. When I'm exhausted and feel alone and trapped I can literally just get in and go anywhere, and I don't have to worry about having a panic attack because someone can see me or hear me breathing or be annoyed that I'm taking up space, because it's my space and only mine alone. Sometimes that means driving around the block to the local park, sometimes that means going two or three miles to a grocery store, and sometimes that means picking a road and just driving in a straight line until I feel less crazy again, but none of that would be possible without my car.

I used to walk 20k+ steps in a day, and when I could do that maybe I could go on a walk to clear my head instead, but for the last three years going more than 3k steps in a single day means I have to spend the next day in bed recovering.

And yes, driving-- especially driving stick, which I prefer massively over automatic-- has its own toll. Today I wasn't able to drive the four hours each way it takes to go visit my brother at school like I had hoped because I drove two hours each way to work yesterday.

But because I spent yesterday driving, I got to spend today getting things done that I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Today I walked around the kitchen to make myself food. I worked on daily tasks like cleaning and organizing, hell, I ate more than one meal today because I could actually get out of bed to do so. I can't do that on a day after I've had to walk around a lot.

If I lived in one of the "walkable" communities that have been cropping up all over my area, I would need to get myself a wheelchair to achieve the same level of independence I currently have, and likely still have less of it because I would need to plan around a whole different kind of fatigue from buying groceries or spending time with friends than I currently deal with. Driving five minutes to the store and spending a thousand steps there leaves me with more steps for things like showering and making dinner than walking five minutes to the store would, and that's so important to me. It's necessary in order for me to have the quality of life that I do, even as limited as I am by my body. I may not be able to work full time, but at least I can spend three days of my week doing a job that I love and value because I don't have to plan around distance from bus stops or adding public transit time to my already-fucked sleep schedule.

I don't know. Mostly I think I get a little bit tired of the posts that spend so much time denouncing the evils of personal cars and declaring that we have to replace them with public transit because I honestly think that ideally, we ought to plan for both. Public transit works really well for people living close together who don't go very far, and that needs to be supported better than it is in most places at present. It's also really good for people who need to go relatively far away at predictable and plannable times. But we shouldn't dismiss cars wholesale as evil; we need to try to strike a balance, for the sake of those whose lives or jobs aren't predictable and plannable, and for those who don't or can't live in communities structured for "walkability."

[alexanderlightweight]

Cat Magnus waiting to see how Dragon Alec will react to people being around him is my new obsession. I love how Magnus is so smug when Alec gets all protective & cuddly. Also I was losing it at Alec eating Magnus jewellery cause they weren’t warded enough 😭🙈🙃

Ok so I have another request (or something I was wondering). What are they like in battle? I wonder if they’d be in sync or if Magnus would be more daring and Alec would be going feral anytime someone/something goes near Magnus. Also how would Alec ward Magnus? Would they fight in different forms? (human or animal or both).

This fic is honestly so amazing and I’m so excited to see it continue to unfold. You’re so talented 😬

alec has opinions okay. and magnus enjoys hearing them, but also he's still working on his draconic understanding so he only gets about a quarter to half of the language when alec's trilling at him.

he did get that alec told the jewelry it was 'no good, unworthy. not allowed' because it wasn't 'good enough to be on magnus'.

alec: i let magnus wear me and i am the most valuable thing here besides Magnus. he can't wear subpar stuff

magnus charmed despite all his best efforts: isn't he so dashing

magnus doesn't typically fight demons in cat form because ichor in fur is messy but he does have a more demonic cat form he uses in edom. magnus has a plethora of dragon battle magic jewelry and a very hungry dragon who is irritated he had to taste magic other than magnus'

unless they fought someone really powerful, alec won't interfere in magnus' kills. that would be like saying he doesn't respect magnus. he'll protect magnus and guard him but magnus made it pretty clear alec can't kill 'pests' so he's basically a giant protective dragon who mopes about not being able to just eat magnus' enemies.

alec crunching grapes: i wish these were the hearts of your enemies

magnus: what was that treasure?

alec sulking and just turning smol!dragon to crunch his grapes in piece and pretend they're peoples organs.

-

magnus when he finally asks alec to kill somene for him

alec: I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

magnus who was just going to ask alec to freeze the person staring as alexander turns into a small mountain and just swallows the person whole like, no hesitation, no questions asked. annoyance now gone. alec licking his lips and looking at magnus, tail moving back and forth and making the building shake: who is next?

cue pandemonium in pandemonium

ty so much!

<3 lumine

-

Alec rolls his eyes from where he’s snacking on magically grown gooseberries, ignoring the battle that Magnus insisted on bringing him to.

It’s a silly little dispute but Magnus seemed hesitant to leave him behind and while Alec knows Magnus is more than competent, he also doesn’t like being left behind.

Which means that Alec gets to watch Magnus be pretty and use his magic to subdue everyone else. It’s the kind of entertainment he rarely ever enjoys and while it’s nothing truly spectacular, he does enjoy watching Magnus use magic.

It also means that when one of the idiotic warlocks messes up a spell — and an explosion of magic heads towards Magnus' only barely acceptably protected back — Alec steps in.  The last thing Magnus needs to worry about is his outfit being ruined when he’s always so generous with Alec. 

One moment a giant, writhing meteor of magic is about to clip his beloved hoard and the next, Alec snaps the defective, tasteless magic out of the air. It’s with a crunch of his jaws that he untangles the mass of energy and swallows. It barely warms his gullet and he licks his maw, tongue dripping with frozen venom as he turns to glare at the warlock who dared be so useless.

The battlefield is quiet around him, at least until the demons start to scream, fleeing from his very presence.  Alec sighs and rolls his eyes as he shifts to a smaller form. Magnus accepts him with a smirk, nothing but pride in his golden eyes as Alec wraps around his shoulders.

“Aren’t you a sweetheart, remembering that I love this jacket.” Magnus croons and Alec nuzzles into his neck and cheek, pleased to be appreciated by his hoard.

—

The problem with Alexander being so protective is that Magnus is quickly running out of excuses for why he hasn’t introduced his dragon publicly, or at least to the Elders and other kings. Especially since Magnus is having trouble leaving Alexander home alone, even with the promise that his dragon isn't going anywhere.

It means that there are more and more confirmed sighting of Magnus and his boy out together. Which would be find, except Magnus isn’t convinced that he’ll be able to keep any meetings civil.

He also isn't sure if Alexander realizes he’s halfway towards being Magnus’ consort at this point and Magnus is carefully easing him into it. However when it’s official, the meetings will no longer be optional and Magnus will just have to hope that Alexander cares for him enough to not kill everyone who irks him.

It also means that Alexander is getting used to being out and about with Magnus, just without ever really being seen in his true form. 

Except for now, because his lovely dragon is fiercely protective and if Alexander so much as thinks Magnus has a potion burn, he’ll start snarling and digging through the healing cabinet.  

It means that while Magnus isn’t surprised at the scope of Alexander’s overreaction and protection, he’s still viciously gleeful of it.  No one other than Cat and Ragnor has ever tried to protect Magnus so swiftly or completely and Alexander doesn’t even have the bonds of their friendship to explain his intensity.

Magnus reaches up, summoning a galaxy pearl and offering it to his greedy boy without a second thought.

—

In the shadows, a warlock only two centuries old winces and steps further away from Bane and his… whatever he’s playing at with an actual dragon.  It was bad enough when the rumors began but it’s worse to see in person that they’re true.  To be faced with the evidence that Bane is treating the magical behemoth almost like a beloved pet. 

Elise opens her eagle eyes and watches them interact carefully, the way that the dragon so effortlessly changes sizes and she swallows harshly.  The only reason for a dragon to be able to shift so easily is either that they’ve mastered their draconic form or their power is immense. 

It’s with fear that Elise thinks both might be true and she bites her lip as she watches Bane summon a massive galaxy pearl. It’s with terror that she watches him offer the priceless treasure to the dragon curled around his neck and she stares as the dragon eats it.

No matter how important battle magic is, Elise no longer wants to be there.  She can learn other places, in fights where Bane and his dragon aren’t.  Because Bane was already one of the most dangerous kings and now, well, anyone who had a problem with Bane are about to regret it.

[northwest-cryptid]

I believe I've finally figured out why this website feels so exhausting to me. It's a few reasons but they all sort of funnel down into the same sort of "overall thing" which is that you're not allowed.

Allowed to what? Anything.

No no, stay with me a moment here let me explain.

See Tumblr doesn't really have an algorithm outside of the "For You" tab, everything you see is funneled into your dash through the people you follow, and by extension the people they follow, and then their dashboard is populated by the people they follow. What this means is that you don't have a lick of real privacy here.

That's true for most of the internet, however if I make my own website, host my own blog; and write my own thoughts and opinions there. It's a pretty clear concept that what I'm writing is mostly for me, secondarily for you as the reader; and ultimately not for "everyone" which is fine.

What we have on tumblr is essentially a huge open forum, where anyone can add anything; to any post. Which isn't inherently the issue, but you've got so many smaller fandoms, communities, and politically aligned groups who believe whatever the hot topic of the week is.

Which, for all the nuance people want to put forth in issues like "do you like coffee" becoming "I only like certain kinds" or "I only like certain flavors" or "I only like it cold!" Suddenly becomes a no nuance "no actually coffee is bitter." If you dare to say "well not all coffee is bitter" you're labeled with "oh look they said #Not All Coffee!" You're sent anon hate, you're ridiculed and dragged through the mud for stating something. It doesn't matter how right you might be either, if it's not popular to side with you; people won't do so.

Obviously my coffee question metaphor is a sort of blanket example that is meant to encompass a broader topic of discussion. We don't talk about the nuance of issues, everything is black and white; and furthermore people act like they want to.

But because it's an open forum for everyone, someone from an opposing side of the argument, or someone who doesn't like what you're saying or how much attention it's getting; can easily toss in their two cents.

Your only option to stop this? Disable reblogs from everyone, stop the conversation with you. Isolate yourself to the point using SOCIAL media is all but pointless. I have enjoyed using this website significantly less after having to turn off asks and submissions, but can you blame me when I was actively getting hate and annoying remarks on the daily?

Now normally I'd argue "hey if that many people don't like me maybe I'm doing or saying something wrong!" Thing is, it's not like I've not reflected on that; when I get some form of hate, I tend to do my best to ignore the actual hate and focus on what's trying to be said under the layers of "go kill yourself." Typically it's "I don't like what you're saying" or "you said too much and I didn't bother reading it all because I have TikTok brain!" However there's a handful of times when people actually do explain their side of the argument politely and I can sort of learn that this isn't the place to talk about certain things.

Like when I openly talk about how porn addiction isn't real, I get a lot of people saying they themselves are victims of it. Yea fam I thought I used to be as well, and then I educated myself about what addiction really is; and understood the nuance of the situation:

To put it plainly, addiction is when your brain chemistry is physically changed in a way where you form a genuine dependency on the substance that changed it. This change can be temporary or permanent; which means something like coffee can be actually addicting since it can even temporarily make you dependent on the caffeine to function.

However, did you know; that there's literally no way to change your brain chemistry with pornography? Yea believe it or not, that's a total myth. That being said it's not a myth that masturbation does release dopamine and generally can help people suffering from a lack of dopamine; typically this involves people who are depressed.

This is a two fold thing, since if you're not literally ace your brain likely produces hormones that tell you that you're supposed to be reproducing; which means it will more easily motivate you to masturbate than say, play a video game or listen to music.

You brain isn't just concerned with producing dopamine, it's just hardwired for survival of the species; so you can easily get yourself to jack off but god forbid you try to do something fun with your time. Depression is just sort of like that; you lack the motivation to do much of anything, so falling back on masturbation for a quick hit of dopamine is easy.

Now this causes a feedback loop where you find the easiest, and most effective method of keeping yourself happy is to watch porn and jack off. That's not a clinical addiction; that's just literally the nature of your brain at work.

Why do I say all of this? Because this is the sort of thing I can't talk about on this site; not without 50 random anon messages either agreeing with me or telling me this is a women's issue and I shouldn't talk on it "as a man." Which is fun because I thought we were all supportive of LGBT but it turns out I'm not a valid NB because I don't shave my facial hair or something.

We don't discuss the nuance, we don't actually bother to read and understand what each other have to say; we just get mad about shit constantly. How dare you have an opinion that I don't have.

We say buzz words are bad, but then we use buzz words when they benefit us.

We say generalization is bad when it applies to the LGBT, or PoC but you know; those white people and cis and christians are all the same... right?

Talking on this site is like walking through a mine field; my mutuals might politely just go about their day, or maybe even agree with me. God forbid my post "breach containment" I start getting messages from people I don't even know. People start commenting and reblogging on my posts to yell at me about shit I literally covered already.

I can literally say "I don't think this is bad, but I think it's a bit more nuanced than this and we need to look at it from this angle too" and I'll get comments saying "I can't believe you think this is bad!" To which I just kind of sit there wondering how you somehow couldn't be fucked to actually read what I said and understand it.

I know we joke about the reading comprehension on this site, but I am serious when I say people will READ what I say; but not COMPREHEND what I say. I didn't understand how or why that was happening for a long time and now I think I finally get it.

It's because this site is all about knee-jerk emotional reaction response.

Don't tell me it's not, think about it; every time someone on this site needs help or financial aid what are the first words you see?

Typically it's some form of their entire label chain "help a lesbian, genderfluid, PoC, with [Disabilities] pay rent!" Not just "Hey I lost my job and need help paying my bills" Like dude I'd help if I could in either scenario but when you lead in with literally like 10 random labels I have to wonder if maybe you're trying to say "we're the same you and I, we come from the same community" or if you're trying to say "you get woke points for helping ME because I'm not just some cis white straight guy!" It feels like borderline guilt tripping.

When we see posts about how "love language" is fake, I'm literally told "it was invented by some CHRISTIAN MAN so he could PRESSURE his POOR WIFE into SEX!" Like whoa boy that's one hell of a claim; even if it's true that's still a bit of an emotionally charged statement you know?

It's like, well sure; I'd love to talk about how the concept of love languages isn't entirely false. To say that is to ignore that people love in different ways, and feel loved in different ways. Let's not even get me started, as someone who became hypersexual thanks to being sexually abused (and yes I am in fact amab, and was in fact groomed by a cis woman when I was a minor; and she was a 26 year old in the navy. Later I was again sexually abused by a cis woman when I was a few years older.) On the topic of the whole "people pressure others into sex saying it's the only way they feel worth and love." Like alright yea let's literally not perhaps look into that trauma response and maybe try to help these people live normal lives.

It's the same way I see people talk about pornography. They go off about the porn industry being extremely horrible towards women. Which like, yea it absolutely can be; and mostly is. There's no mention of the way we view men, and how the way the media portrays men is just as harmful to young boys with self esteem issues and all that. We don't talk about how stupid the idea of dick size mattering is; no we in fact reinforce negative amab issues by saying "that's small dick energy bro" and the like. You bring that up and people will say you're ignoring women's issues; absolutely the fuck I'm not? I'm just trying to make you aware the problem is actually larger than just that. "Oh but we're just focusing on this right now" right, that's fine; but you're literally ignoring the other problems.

It's like how when people bring up how there's bans on pornography or, how people view pornography we always have to make it about how this effects the LGBT before people care. We go around saying "sex work is real work" but then we also go "these poor women on OnlyFans who are FORCED to do sex work need to be saved uwu" meanwhile I know a LOT of women who enjoy doing work on OnlyFans, and who hit me up to be their manager because I have a reputation as being a chill dude who can help them grow their numbers. I have a lot of connections in NSFW spaces and yes believe it or not sex work IS in fact real work; which is why like we should probably actually focus on the real industry problems. The women and even men being harmed by this are not typically your OnlyFans indies; but your industry people.

This is like how if I bring up the stigma on pornography I'm labeled poorly for it, I'm told I'm misogynistic which like, I don't believe I am; but believe it or not I have done a lot of self reflection on it. I even went around to a lot of women I know and sat down with them to talk about whether or not they believed I was misogynistic or if I had some form of unnoticed internalized misogyny. Do you know what those women (and yes, some were in fact; as we say here on tumblr transwomen) had to tell me? They literally told me that I need to chill the fuck out and get off tumblr because it was only contributing to my anxiety.

You're not allowed to talk about things on this site, because you're not allowed to be wrong. You're not allowed to grow and change, you're not allowed to have a flawed opinion that needs to be workshopped with some other people who could talk with you on the subject. You're not allowed to be given kindness, you're not allowed to speak up on issues that matter to you.

It's how I speak up on Native issues, even more specifically sometimes Lakota issues. Only to have other Natives and even other Lakota disagree with me; and then a bunch of their followers dogpile into my inbox to tell me how stupid and wrong and bad I am for having lived the experience of being a "breed" back during a time when racism in Native communities was much more rampant than it still is.

On this site you're told how bad and wrong and sad it is, that we as people have been reduced to being "content creators" who have to make the most palatable entertainment for the masses. Then you speak to a niche, say something about your lived experience; or simply have an opinion and whoops there it is. You're now public enemy number 1, all those posts about how it's rotten and evil and wrong to tell someone to kill themself? That doesn't matter anymore, not to the dozens of anons in your inbox who have found "slightly more creative ways" to say the same thing.

You either get to be an aesthetics blog, who never has an opinion, or a voice of their own; and you get to keep your ask box open and enjoy being toted around as a good person and shit. Or you speak your mind and immediately get labeled by someone as something.

Tumblr is no better than twitter in this regard, it's no better than reddit; it's not even any better than 4chan if I'm being honest. We just really don't want to admit that because there ARE a handful of us who are genuinely just chill people trying to enjoy blogging and staying in our lane. The problem comes when other people decide they're going to merge into oncoming traffic without so much as a turn signal because they revel in the discourse.

It sucks because I cannot tell you how valuable discussion and such is to me. I cannot tell you how many times I've come out here and said my piece, spoke my mind; and someone has politely come out to the post to mention things from their own angle. We have a back and forth, maybe we both learn something. I walk away with information I didn't have before, and they do as well. It's a way for us to see things from someone else's perspective. We're all unique individuals, we all have different lived experiences; we all know stuff other's do not. I value that information, the interaction we're allowed to have as human beings who can communicate.

This website however does not.

It feels strongly like this website merely wants to tell me to shut up and kill myself.

But hey, don't worry I'll probably reblog a funny video of a cat; or wholesome anime picture; or a funny meme in 2 minutes and we'll all just move on with our day.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

Hi Weird Question, but how many followers would you ballpark say you have gotten from posting about qsmp?

I ask this because Ive been on tumblr for a LONG while, I have run multiple fandom blogs and this is the worst follow to notes ratio I have ever gotten for a blog (it is relativity new as well though). I don't want to sound weird and complain about the number of followers I have, but of the 523 posts in my blog, 38 are original posts. I have 236 notes total from those 38. and zero followers. compared to when one of my other blogs was at this size I would have somewhere of a ballpark of 10ish especially with a few posts chilling way above the average of 6 notes

I feel like this could be an issue much like the issue pertaining to people not reblogging stuff, but also I may need to reevaluate the way im interacting with people on this site >_<.

that's kind of a hard question bc i was gaining followers from the trigun fandom very shortly before i started posting about qsmp, so there was a period of overlap, but i guess when i switched to posting primarily about qsmp i would say i've gained approx. 350-400 followers. i typically get anywhere between 100-1000 notes on any qsmp post i make (excluding liveblogging) and i am apparently a more popular blog because i write fanfiction and make analysis posts on occasion which has made me weirdly well known in some places of the fandom and that is terrifying i hate being perceived HELP

ANYWAY i think a better blog to use as an example would be when i had to use a new blog because this one was unfairly flagged for a couple weeks. i used a previously unused sideblog to liveblog and make posts on since posts on my main wouldn't show up in the main tags. i typically got a fair amount of notes, anywhere between 50 to 200 on each post, but i only ended up with maybe 4 or 5 followers on that blog (excluding mutuals i had advised to follow that blog as a backup in case my main went down forever [which it didn't thank fuck]).

honestly?? i assume the lack of following is because a lot of people in this fandom are very wary. qsmpblr likes to hail itself as better than twitter (and it is in some respects for sure, i'm not denying that), but it feels like everyone in this fandom has some kind of Opinion on Something at all times. there's always something to complain about or criticize about anything, whether it be the admins, an event, another cc's character, a cc themself, etc etc. if you follow a person you will be subjected to all of their opinions on every single issue that pops up, even if it's just a dismissal of whatever current discourse is making its way through the tag (and i'm guilty of this myself sometimes, i'm no angel here). there is not a single day that goes by without something negative crossing my dash regarding something that's going on with the smp. doesn't matter what it is, someone will have something to say about some kind of issue no matter what, and that shit gets tiring. sometimes it's better not to follow people lest you find yourself bombarded with opinions. that way you can still scroll your dash without worrying about seeing untagged discourse and infighting and criticism.

[m1d-45]

Hey I love your writing!!!!!! whenever I see it on my dash I always get ready to read another banger!!!! Btw idk if you have any opinions on Xiao but DID YOU SEE HIS RECENT TEASER??? THE ANGST THE SADNESS!!! SO GOOD any thoughts? Spare thoughts? 🥺

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT XIAO YOU HAVE NO IDEA

i haven’t seen the trailer but i watched it rn for this ask and oh my GOD

ranting under the readmore bc i am having EMOTIONS

(oh and thanks for the compliment!! lovely to know i’ve created something you enjoyed <33)

i have an ask i’m 100% gonna use as an excuse to do a character study on him because he’s… he’s so…. ough…

‘an instant of negligence, and it will turn me into one of the monsters i swore to purge’

aisdnekdfn i have NO IDEA what this trailer is abt bc i am not a xiao haver (started genshin mid his last banner, by the time i knew what i was doing it ended) but he…. ough…. he’s so afraid of himself just because he does his job i- ‘you became the very thing you swore to destroy’ type beat but this time it’s sad and tragic because he truly believes himself to be something dark and prone to shattering, cutting through the ones closest to him, not the typical ‘i’m better than i was then’ mentality that usually comes with this trope!! he treats himself like a live bomb and he’s so terrified that the weapon he uses to defend will turn on those he loves-

i can GUARANTEE he left bubu pharmacy because he didn’t want baizhu / qiqi to ‘waste’ medicine on him because he probably feels a sense of obligation about it, it’s his burden to bear and not one they should shoulder for him (it isn’t he deserves a moment of peace and a break from his never ending duties xiao pls be kind to yourself)

‘it’s good to take the mask off once in a while, even just for one night’

i have NO IDEA why venti’s here but he is so right. also related but venti and xiao need to be friends. i don’t know about their canon relationship bc i have neither of them but… ugh…

venti clearly has issues for a variety of reasons, notably being afraid of being a tyrant, and his near need to not be overbearing meshes so well with xiaos fear of poisoning those around him… they both cope in horrendous ways but like…. god… emotions in the club tonight…

like…. the two of them, sitting on the roof of the inn, watching the sun rise. venti has a bottle of dandelion wine and xiao has a lukewarm, untouched plate of almond tofu besides him—verr goldet brought it to him but he hasn’t brought himself to have it yet. he’d sat himself up there around midnight, venti joining him not an hour later, but only a few words have been exchanged. venti said hello, xiao asked why he was here. he had shrugged, popping the cork on his wine easily, settling down with a slightly exaggerated sigh, “same as you, i suppose. caught up in a memory that won’t leave.”

xiao winces, slightly, almost embarrassed he was seen through so easily, but venti doesn’t press it. he knows the feeling, the oppressive weight of failure weighing on him just as strongly as it does on him. he feels bad that somebody so (comparatively) young has to experience so much tragedy and loss, but…

he glances at his vision, the glass reflecting the moon.

the two sit for what most would consider far too long in silence, only the occasional slosh of wine passing between them. memories weigh heavy on nights like these, and neither is quite ready to address it yet.

venti starts, his voice far dimmer than usual. a long-forgotten name falls from his wine-soaked lips, wrapped gently in eons of affection. he’s repeated the story of the ‘nameless bard’ a thousand times, always on quiet nights like these ones, with only the stars as his witness, but… surely an audience of one doesn’t hurt.

besides, he thinks bitterly, the sweet wine not doing much to take the edge off his mood, it’s not as if anybody else remembers.

the silence once again stretches, but it’s only a few moments before xiao speaks up, his voice uncharacteristically soft. he does the same, repeating the names of the ones he’d lost, and the wind picks up slightly, as if carrying some of the weight for him. he glances at venti, but he’s looking at the roof tiles, allowing him the moment—the memory—to himself.

he feels odd, telling stories of bloodshed and broken bones after such a soft friendship, but whenever he pauses for a moment too long, a soft breeze brings him the smell of cecelias, and the words he was looking for are found.

he feels lighter, slightly, for having shared, a small chip of his self-imposed burden lifting. normally, he’d probably feel guilty for dumping this out in the open, but the night is warm and he doesn’t find himself minding the company all that much.

the night passes, spent in a comfortable, nostalgic quiet. xiao’s plate is clean, now, and though the texture of the dessert is off and his lip curls, it’s still as sweet as usual. venti’s bottle is similarly empty, hardly a drop left inside the stained glass. the cork is lost, having fallen somewhere, and even in the growing light of dawn, neither can see it. if they do, they don’t reach for it.

venti sighs, not one of contempt or regret, but of sorrow. sometimes he wishes there were more hours to the night.

xiao watches him stand, with little intention of following. he should probably get up as well, stretch so his arms aren’t too sore when he goes out later to clear out demons…

barbatos offers his hand. after a moment, the last yaksha takes it.

[bythehearts]

For this: https://www.tumblr.com/bythehearts/725079950644871168/hey-guys-im-stuck-on-a-train-for-5-hours-can-we?source=share

Blackeclipse

OKAY NEW RULE !!! please tell me who the people in the ship are lmaoo (i am not smart enough for this)

anyhow, i assume this is like… james and remus for eclipse and then like… either sirius or regulus? i’m going with regulus tho cause I think there is a general consensus that james x sirius x remus is wolfstarbucks?

okay so!!! james x regulus x remus

so, barring the fact that i generally do not appreciate wolfstar being separated lmao, i don’t necessarily hate this? like tbf i don’t know much about them, it’s not one of my ships and i also don’t think i’ve seen much about them on my own dash (which is fair, I tend to make it so that most people i follow are generally into the same pairings i am).

that being said, i have either direct or second-hand knowledge of the dynamics between these characters in the context of romance, so I’ll just start there ig.

okay, so obviously james with regulus clearly works in my mind in their crazy way that we all know and love. we all know this, no need to go over it again. okay, next!

to be entirely honest with you I personally just don’t really see the whole remus x james thing, but i admit that it could work, because obviously james is definitely someone that can be a source of comfort for remus and also does not get scared of his sharpest edges, while remus clearly sees james for who he is, and i think he’d be able to call him out on a lot of his bullshit in his typical remus lupin way and it would actually be a lot of fun to watch. ((also yes, despite what canon will have you think, remus definitely saw james for who he was, i’d argue that an instance of him talking about james to his son after hE WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED WHILE BASICALLY SAVING THE WIZARDING WORLD is probably not the time he’d launch in an analysis of the complexities of james’ characters)) ((I can talk more about this, please ask me about this, i have a lot of opinions about thisss))

remus x regulus, I have talked about many other times and you can see my in-depth opinion under the same tag i’m using for this ask, but basically i don’t see them in a traditional romantic relationship as i see their bond as very unique and personal, and i feel like mixing that in with the way that james does relationships… idk I feel like it would ruin that a little, but maybe they actually might help james open his mind about how relationships work so it really all depends on how it’s done tbf.

tbh though the main objection I have with this ship is that i don’t like what it can do for remus’ character.

i mean like idk regulus and james both should work in theory with remus because this fandom (and jkr first) has kind of written as being the mirror of two different sides of sirius (i’m not saying this is why people thought of this ship, i’m just pointing out a theme) and to me remus does work particularly well with sirius, but it just… doesn’t for me. i feel like being pulled in the chaos that is the collapse of james and regulus would not be good for remus as he’d end up once again having to pick up the role of the “calm and reasonable” one, whereas he needs someone or more than someone that allows him to collapse and explode as well, exploring both that mischievous side that makes him blend perfectly within the marauders and the more violent side he’s always felt he’s needed to hide away for the benefit of others (lyall and hope specifically). james and regulus singularly might do that for remus, but james and regulus together? they can barely contain the burnt of their own explosion, there’s no way they can absorb the impact of remus and he’d feel that and so he’d keep it inside and that would ultimately not allow him to have the development we (by which i obviously mean me) generally like to see in him.

and i mean. obviously one doesn’t have to only like pairing that are happy and healthy. if you want to write this ship with remus being even more repressed than he’s already without being able to release it with, you know, him growing further and further from accepting that side of him that reminds him way too of his werewolf self… sure you can do that, but tbf i find it way too similar to the way jkr herself has destroyed remus’ character to find anything interesting to be said there.

so yeah it’s not like I hate it, but it’s just a meh. don’t like that. yk?

[iconologistegoradical]

You. Child. Reginald, my rotten soldier. Why are you on here. At such a young age, with.. such.. god fucking awful takes. I'm not trying to hate but you're quite literally defending some of the worst characters in Homestuck (plus Jake,) but like, they better be good defences and not the typical misogynistic regurgitated garbage I keep seeing. You are thirteen years of age. There are far better things you could be doing with your life than wasting it on fucking Homestuck.. good lord, do you get bullied at school?

Yes my good Anon, for what other reason would I be into Homestuck the webcomic by Andrew Hussie. It's 12 AM and I just woke up from 3 hours of trying to sleep so I'll try to keep my opinions here as professional as my brain can manage in these conditions. I'm not exactly 100 percent sure on what you meant by "typical misogynistic regurgitated garbage" but hopefully my defenses aren't THAT bad/atrocious. But I'm going to be completely honest, people like JojoFunkMclovin and Mivnol would be able to better word this topic with tact. With having god fucking awful takes I assume you mean me defending Eridan, Gamzee, Dirk, and Jake. For me I guess, and not for some, it's not exactly some hard theory I've worked into a lather as a reason to defend these characters, you wouldn't find me citing things in comic if I were to extensively write a tumblr post on anyone besides Dirk, even then I don't feel like I have enough evidence or right to have my opinion to myself to write on any of it. It's not my area of expertise unless if someone were to ever come any close to asking me about why I defend them, and this is maybe the best opportunity I can come to yapping on about my controversial opinions (even though they're just kind of bland and normal?).

To set one thing straight, empathy and sympathy is a large weakness of mine and some others as well, and I'm looking through most of these characters through the lenses of kinning them, since I do (Dirk Strider more like I am him then really kinning, though that's a conversation reserved to only a specific individual). I like a special other few people will peer into a character and see a self in the other. Or at least a reason to understand why they ended up this way, the main 4 in this sense all have their reasons, to sort of dash through the list, Eridan and his lonely upbringing as a troll on Alternia who vibe and feeling wise I just find more pathetic and pitiable then a truly bad person who is capable of committing the atrocities he goes on about: for truly I believe it is nothing but meaningless shit talk and half of the things he does is just to ultimately sabotage whether it's through copious loathsome amounts of self pity or threats of terrorism on his friends race, self pity and self loathing of this kind, I believe in some way it exposes some kind of weakness, weakness of this flavor, some who recognize it in themself are naturally inclined to reject the weakness of Eridan, to not fall into the same traps and patterns he has realizing he (like many characters in any fiction really) and his mistakes are to be learned from and they could be better than Eridan Ampora Homestuck, or maybe they just hate themselves and also hate Eridan Ampora Homestuck as an extension of themself in some way, whatever the case may be, if a character is ultimately weak or has apprehension for their evil deeds or don't actually follow through on them or there's some alternative source like mind control forcing them to do these evil things I think that's enough for me to cut them some slack.

Segueing into Gamzee Makara it's kind of lost on me myself why I defend him. I haven't given it too much thought because what is there to really introspect into. I guess, he's just a kid like the rest of them. Them all being kids is one thing I'll always keep in mind when regarding the topic of whether or not they did wrong, but I also guess this isn't really about what they did wrong. Tallying up their sins and goods would just be telling you what they've done, and that's not really my style of writing. Homestuck leaves you with nothing but the means (something either of the two youtubers I mentioned earlier might've said first), so I guess it gives better opportunity to want to give your take and create an end to these means. And all I can say about Gamzee is, I just don't really think there's much to go on about. Yeah I feel bad for him, it's just, there isn't much there to go on about that hasn't been stated by better people and just in general. Gamzee was some fucking clown juggalo, he stopped his alien drugs which kept him docile and stoned out of his mind silly, got triggered over some kid mentioning the Insane Clown Posse to him, (those two events probably not in that order, don't quote me on that,) and then went on a rampage killing all his friends or something I guess. Didn't get his alien drugs back, became a villain, and then a minion for the bigger antagonist Lord English/Caliborn or some bullshit. If I were to say anything more, I think he was just a pawn. Like with Eridan, a wasted protagonist, wasted potential. But I personally can't stand anyone blaming him for what he's done, for whatever farcical feely-weely bullshit reasons. He didn't know any better I guess, and there was no one who could step up to teach him better, besides Karkat, though a good moiral, Gamzee would maybe need something more.. Almost like... A father figure, or something........ He also doesn't have one of those by the way, even though lusus can maybe barely be considered the same as human parents if at all. His goat dad lusus is absent from his life, it's sad. Even if his goat dad was present that wouldn't change anything either, was just kind of thrown into the story. More things out of his control, including the planet he was born on which has creatures who you're assigned to at birth instead of a older human parent of which you share a species and genetics with, chalk it up to bad luck.

(Saving Dirk Strider for last.) Second to last would be Jake English. I don't know, like the rest he can be kind of pathetic. He's also dumb, really oblivious. Some may find that obnoxious. And I can't disagree. But also the take that he's a bad person is just uneducated? I've never seen anyone say that besides a handful of individuals I can't bother remembering, but it also just falls in the category of not being taught better. He also doesn't have a parental guardian. Are you starting to see a pattern here with my kins? And he also had to burn his dead grandmothers corpse in a fire and watch. So he gets extra sympathy points for the grandma burning and all the other shit he's saddled with, Dirk being apart of that shit. And it's not something I'll go into, but my fiancé is also him, so I don't have any good reason to shit talk Jake English, nor did I have any in the first place.

And I guess I'll have to get back to you on Dirk Strider. It's personal. And again there's only one dude I know that I feel like I need to explain myself to.

-Oh and also none of them are fucking Vriska Serket: so that's always good.

[space-blue]

Hello, I happened to come across today the post you made about Jinx and Silco's relationship and you mentioned that you dislike Cait. It's not a really common opinion in the fandom, and because I more than dislike her a little I would love for you to elaborate on it.

Thanks for the ask, Anon. I'll try to elaborate without painting too big a target on my back for Cait lovers, who, as I understand it, are a majority in the Arcane fandom.

This answer is 2.8k words, so have fun, and I'm hiding the rest because nobody needs that much on their dash.

First off I'd like to stress I don't hate Cait as a character, and that I'm capable of making the difference between what I'd like to see and what the show runners wanted us to see. A lot of my distaste for her lies in that in-between space. None of this applies to fanfic Cait, as of course people can take her any direction they want.

Cait, as a concept, is an interesting character. There are ways for her to develop in season 2 that can make her more loveable for me... But I admit I'm sort of pre-disposed to dislike her.

I think there are some ways the script could have been doctored to make her inherently more likeable, and for her to not ruin Vi's character so much. That's right, I'm showing my soft belly for Caitvi lovers to bite into: I actually don't like Caitvi as a season 1 ship, and think Cait contributes to making Vi's act II-III character worse.

Ok, let's take it slowly.

Cait is the top 0.01% of the uber rich in universe, in a show asking us to sympathise with the people who are being controlled, exploited and killed by that ruling class. (And polluted!)

Cait is a cop. Cait went out of her way to become a cop, it's clearly not what Cassandra wanted for her. I'm rather on the ACAB side of the fence, so again she doesn't quite recommend herself.

She is shown to be more of an investigator at the start, so I was actually curious at first. Would she be some sort of Sherlock type? But no. Turns out Cait is the entitled kind of vigilante.

So, like, of course the show frames this as good. It's good that Cait goes to investigate, because Marcus is corrupt. The truth would never air, and she'd never figure out who is behind the bombings if it weren't for her private investigation. Private detectives who go rogue are typically the heroes of their stories, and we usually root for them.

But the issues pile up with Cait: She refuses to take her firing as having any meaning. She keeps wearing her uniform after she knows she isn't on the force, and forges documents (and Jayce's seal) to get what she wants.

Although she acts "for good", that's not her actual stated motivations. Cait's only stated motivations are to catch the perp. Funnily enough, she's a lot like Jinx. She wants to prove herself. She thinks she's right, she's close to wrapping her case and she doesn't trust her colleagues to do it, so she goes and usurps power and impersonates an officer to do it herself.

My issue here is she does all that NOT KNOWING Marcus is corrupt. This would be a totally different vibe if she knew he was a pawn for a powerful undercity "industrialist".

There is also the aspect that she studies Zaun and its criminal underground extensively... And yet never went?

I've been told "her parents must not allow her!"

And I reply: So what? The moment she has a good reason to go, she just straight up goes, and suffers zero repercussions for doing so! She never voices any complaints or anything about the Undercity being off limits to her.

She doesn't know about the suffering in Zaun. She says she had no idea it was this bad... How sheltered can you get, that you study a place and its rampant crime, fill up a map, get called "obsessed" over it, but you somehow never had the motivation or curiosity to go there?

This ties into another aspect of Cait which I dislike, which is again completely involuntary and an artefact of the show's strict timetable.

She doesn't share anything about herself. Not even to Vi. We virtually know nothing about her except that she likes to shoot guns and looks up to chief-ACAB Grayson (my beloved). Even on the bed scene with Vi, it's only ever Vi opening up and sharing. And you may say, "yeah but we only see a glimpse, I'm sure Cait shared stuff too". And yes, sure... But Vi is making a comment about the place when they break in... That reveals she has NO idea it's Cait's home!

That's one of the thing I'd suggest editing out to give the impression that Cait has explained things and that Vi doesn't learn she's a Councillor's daughter until after breaking her into her own home.

Cait learns about Vi's past, again and again, and shares nothing about herself. Even when faced with the Firelights, she "knows a friend on the Council" but fails to mention her mom is there too. In front of Ekko, I get, but... What does Vi know about Cait? Canonically???

Back on track.

Cait being surprised that a city riddled with violent crime is actually a miserable place to live in left me feeling like she needs to see the misery to feel it, and somehow failed to extrapolate and empathise from all her "obsessive" research.

There's lots and lots of good reasons for her to not have gone there yet... But it's half her city and again, she's a cop!! I've once been told "Maybe her parents don't allow for her to be sent to Zaun" and I'm like, all right, so her colleagues were totally right for making fun of her, she's an over-privileged and sheltered kid.

And HEY, that's a fine character trait. My issue with it is that it doesn't come across as intentional. It comes across as the writers showing their hand through her. Cait needs to show shock at the poor Zaunites... A real world Cait would probably not be shocked, because she could hardly discover such stuff at her age and station. The show also doesn't expect us to criticise Cait for being the way she is. Show Cait is "naive" and at the start of her character arc, but I really didn't get the feeling she was meant to be seen the way I perceive her. She's very much "uwu good girl protagonist, also she's hot and smart, please don't think about her actions too hard haha".

On to the meeting with Vi.

I feel like there Cait shows us that she also doesn't have a very strong sense of Justice or Fairness. Again, that might be intentional, but I doubt it. She knows that Vi is in the worst prison around because "No reason actually, there wasn't even a trial".

This is as unfair as it gets. She asks, Vi gives her a flippant answer, and bam, Cait doesn't show enough interest to get to the bottom of this. Vi wouldn't help, so fine, Cait just leaves.

She won't free Vi out of her good heart, but only once her fear makes her act, when Vi threatens that the Undercity will eat her alive.

My fix, to start Caitvi on a better footing, would be this:

Vi is flippant and refuses to answer. Cait shrugs and leaves, and when Vi says the undercity will eat her alive, she leaves ANYWAY. Cut to Vi hearing the Warden come and tensing... And she's actually being released. She walks out of the prison, and down to the dock, perplexed. Cait is waiting there next to the boatman she hired. She waves Vi over and says she may as well share the ride.

Vi is surly and silent for a while, before asking Cait why she had her released. Cait would shrug, say it was the fair thing to do, considering she was never even tried.

THEN Vi would accept to guide her in Zaun, knowing that it might lead her to her sister. Mutually beneficial thing, but on a better footing. This would establish that Cait has a moral compass, and give a basis for Vi to trust that maybe this enforcer is not entirely rotten.

Because in the show, so far, we only know that Cait is a cop because SHE LIKES SHOOTING GUNS and the one woman who could out-shoot her showed her the way. It's never established that Cait has some great inner sense of Justice, or a drive to save the people or anything. Grayson, in that one speech about why she needs to know how to shoot, inherits a greater sense of her dedication to peace and being a Good Cop TM than Cait ever gets. Cait is show to want to solve mysteries, and does the right thing in the fire... but so do all the asshole cops, rushing into a burning tent to rescue a little girl.

Cait becomes a vigilante to prove she "can do it". She's not a Good Cop TM.

Right, on to caitvi specific grief.

For me, I see absolutely zero reasons for Vi to be anything but hyper-wary of Cait. She's an enforcer, literally the type of person she has all the reasons in the world to hate most, and we're shown and told all of those reasons. She's spent her entire late teens being beaten in prison thanks to an enforcer. She's seen enforcers shoot people point blank. She considers her mother killed by enforcers.

Do you think anyone IRL would have this level of hate for authority/oppression tools such as enforcers, come out of a multi years stint in the worst prison possible, and fall in love with one such enforcer overnight?

"But Cait is hot and Vi is horny, and Cait is a good cop and—"

And canonically it's never shown that Cait is good actually, just that she abuses her power, is entitled, and has terminal main character syndrome (meaning she does all that while it being cast as a "good thing" by the show. We're meant to consider this all Good-and-Fun).

And I'm sorry, but I can't. Cait finds Vi in prison, being chronically abused, and that budding relationship starts within hours of her freeing her. I can't associate that with "healthy".

I don't think it's Good or Fun that Vi immediately starts having feelings for an enforcer (and the 1% to top it off), no matter who that enforcer is, or how cute they are, and that this enforcer would allow it/go for it without having the wherewithal to see how potentially unhealthy this is, and that this person (Vi) needs time to find themselves outside of prison first.

I just don't buy their relationship on that spectrum. Begrudging, hard earned respect, I can get into. But the show doesn't give us time or opportunity to get there.

I think the show chickens out of taking the time to make Vi scary and broken. To make her hate and distrust Caitlyn, who is the pretty face of oppression, who didn't even think to release her on her own after finding she was wrongfully imprisoned, and instead needed to be threatened.

They unrealistically sped up their relationship, most likely because they wanted to give the fandom an (implied, F/F) relationship to keep everyone buzzing until season 2.

Anyway, a better caitvi dynamic, imo, is a dark Vi who hates and distrusts Cait, and a naive, entitled Cait but with a strong sense of justice, who earns Vi's respect by not falling into the typical cop or one-percenter grooves, or trying her best when called out on it.

Leaving Vi's warming up to Cait for season 2, and for them to actual common grounds besides "you're hot" and "we spent 48h together" would have been ideal.

Cait going on to not become Sheriff (maybe more of a PI?) and Vi not becoming an enforcer, would also be ideal, but I guess I'm demanding too much. Especially when it comes to Vi, who was all over the place in that last act.

Poor Anon, you'd also be shocked to know how much I dislike act II-III Vi, considering how much I write her myself. But Vi is an interesting character who gets shafted by the narrative and its time constraints, and is a pleasure to write in fix-its, while Cait is a 1% cop gone vigilante as the core of her narrative, so, yeah...

The firelights come in as a final point of dislike... They muddy the waters in the show, casting Silco as a moral-free villain while offering no solution for the whole of Zaun in their rebellion against him and Piltover both. They also give Cait a safe soundboard to tell a Zaunite to please "not do violence because violence is not the solution uwu". Try saying that to Silco's face lol

I just... really disliked that from the show, not only from Cait, because it felt like this was the middle ground message I was meant to accept. Both Silco and Piltover get vilified, and the Firelights and Cait are these half baked middle grounds of true goodies, who offer nothing tangible.

At the very least she has no ground to stand on to tell Ekko, or any Zaunite, that violence isn't the solution. The show went out of its way to establish that piltover and the Council will stop at nothing to keep Zaunites oppressed and working for them. It's in every arc.

IMO that justifies Silco's revolt. I mean his violent revolution plans, not whatever undefined stuff he has going on in act II-III. But then I'm French and I grew up being taught that decapitating kings was a Good Thing. And I strongly believe that violence CAN be a necessary part of revolution. The show proves that protests, violent or not, were not even cutting it.

Cait comes down to Zaun, sees the misery, hears from Vi about losing her parents to enforcers... and tells another Zaunite to chill and not attack her people.

Yeah, to me, that looked like no arc at all. She's justified in her actions by the reveal that Marcus was a mole/owned by Silco... So everything she did to uncover Jinx was justified.

Then there's this one good thing, in the final bit, where her story for a brief moment mirrors Vi's.

Remember how Vi makes her first grown up decision, to take responsibility for her actions and stand up to protect her family... And Vander takes it away from her, throwing her down into the basement?

Then Vi and Cait face the Council, and Cait steps up and looks like she's about to LIE to the Council to protect Vi. She's about to ruin the entire point of her going on a vigilante trip in the first place by hiding the truth she's learnt about Jinx...

But Vi stops her, pushes her hand (and her help) away, and throws her own sister under the bus by naming her to the Council. (Yeah, for the LIFE OF ME I cannot comprehend what Vi is meant to think she's doing there. She's basically condemning her sister to death or the rest of her life in Stillwater. What other things does she think she's achieving? A question for another time).

Finale Cait is very much used to just play with Jinx's projections and doesn't do much as a character that would make me feel either way.

As a result I'm left with a Cait who has no great personality. She likes shooting. She liked science a bit, maybe, as a kid? She doesn't mind forgery or abuse of power if it's done by her. She's got a good analytical mind (reconstructs crime scene) but very low empathy (literally can't fathom people would be miserable in Zaun despite years of obsessive research). And that's it. Jayce has more character than her. Heck, we know more about Heimerdinger than Cait, and he's at least fun to hate lol.

She comes off as an entitled brat who doesn't do a whole lot of growth, doesn't learn any valuable lessons, and doesn't see any issues with falling in love with someone like Vi, despite the insane power imbalance between them and Vi's crazy baggage.

And most of this is not "her fault" but the way the writers characterised her, in a show with a shit ton of characters with very complex plot intermingling.

But it's also a show from a game that has her as a sheriff, has hot police skins, and used to have a bunch of police brutality jokes as Vi's voice lines. So yeah, I don't think her creators consider people like me Cait's target audience.

I have, however, read some excellent fics that made a great use of Cait, though not often because I simply don't browse the Caitvi tag. But plenty of fans like her without liking her sheriff/cop side and have done fabulous work to characterise her away from that and give her... Depth, personality, all of that.

So yeah, not holding my breath for season 2, but who knows.

[spiltscribbles]

Miss you and your marvelous writing!!!! Just a prompt if you’re up to it 😊 exes wolfstar staying friends but sirius gets into a new relationship and he brings his new boo to somewhere he took remus and remus gets sad 😭 but they get back together eventually

Notes: OMFG BABEY! this is so SO beyond precious of you! i adore you to bits! thank you for the sweetness and for this scrumptious angst🥺🥺 i really hope you like it😭😘😘💜

.-

SEND ME A PROMPT  |  A Reblog means SO SO much! I ADORE YOU💜💜

.-

“He can just be so… So” James pauses right then, takes off his cap with the hand that’s still clutching his baseball bat, and ruffles his hair with the other.

“Un-opinionated,” Remus offers half heartedly as they turn the block to the small coffee shop nearest school, both of them freshly showered after the required morning workouts for Tuesday and Thursdays. It’s the first semester in which Remus has actually joined in on the seven minute track, considering the fact that even despite their crazy contradictory schedules with all the sports and extra curriculars they each had, Sirius always made it a point to buy their ice coffees and drop it off to Remus, sometimes leaving them a quarter of an hour late for first period, or as just a quick drop and dash if one of them had an exam. 

It was sweet, considerate. It was Sirius showing how much he cared because he’s never been one for words, even if he would frequently print off the little texts Remus would send him about how Sirius made him feel, and hang it up on the wall besides his bed, along with photos of them and Remus by himself and a few of their other friends too.

But yeah… None of that is really a thing anymore, not the coffees or the texts or the promises of being one another’s always. Not after calling it quits in early January because they knew by August they’d be working with thousands of miles between them and a three hour difference on top of that. It just wouldn’t have been feasible in the long run, and sure— Remus was the one to broach the topic and he knows that Sirius was hesitant about the logical side of it, but sometimes Remus wishes Sirius had fought harder, had argued louder, had wanted Remus more. But that’s a ridiculous expectation, and he had only admitted as much to Lily. And at the end of the day, it was the right choice, because it’s only early May now, and Remus can’t imagine how sick he’ll feel once catching his flight to Berkeley, and they’re steadfastly back in the best friends category of things. He can’t fathom how it would’ve been if they spent all these months and the ones after being together in all those intimate ways, knowing that they’ll be so far apart soon enough.

It was the right decision for the both of them and their friendship.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go with that,” James says, bringing Remus out of his gloomy contemplations while opening the glass door to Three Broomsticks, sporting a thin smile that he always has on when he’s trying to be kind even when he’s irritated as all get out. 

Remus snorts at him, elbow checking his side as he walks past. “Well he’s sharing that dorm with you and Sirius in New Haven, so I guess you’ve got that to look forwards to.”

James’s face pulls into a grimace and their typical barista nods their way, already receiving their orders through the app and sparing them having to wait in the queue. “Maybe Pete’ll grow his own personality in university, yeah?”

“Sure Prongsie,” Remus says, noncommittal as he checks his phone and lies against the windowpane, already exhausted by the morning. “And if he doesn’t, I’m sure Sirius is about to blow his lid any day now.”

“It’s going to be funny as fuck, and you won’t even be there to see the debris,” James counters, sounding pleasant enough even though Remus knows that he’s nearly as pissed off as Sirius is about the decision for him to go back to his home state for undergrad. 

“You’ll send pictures though.”

“Of course Moony my old friend,” James jokes, tossing him a wink as they straighten once spotting their coffees being rung up. But as Remus takes a step forwards, he notices that a familiarly tan pair of hands are reaching for them, and when Remus looks up he feels like an idiot for not noticing him sooner. Because there Sirius is, dashing as ever in their school’s maroon blazer and tan pants, and his hair is windblown and shining as it falls midway of the nape of his neck. But Remus doesn’t really have the chance to appreciate just how damn good looking his ex-boyfriend is, rather, he’s more distracted by how Sirius doesn’t even notice him or James as he pivots around and hands over the second cup to a beaming Gideon Prewett. Their heads incline while they exchange a few words that are absolutely impossible to pick up in the crowded cafe before they bump their shoulders together and walk out the opposite door.

And it feels like nothing else watching that exchange— like their was a hammer and pick chipping away at his stupid, weeping heart.

“I think they’re just doing a project together,” James says lowly in Remus’s ear, clapping him on the back in reassurance, and Remus loves him, but he’s not in the mood for false platitudes, feels like there is a ugly, burning fire festering deep in his stomach and making Remus want to hurl all over the wooden floors.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he replies instead, mild as he discretely picks up his phone again and opens up to the last conversation he had this morning.

R: need intel 

L: Say more sexy things to me, lover 

R: sirius and Gideon

R: what’s going on there

L: I’ll take a look, dw

Buoyed by Lily’s scary levels of detective skills, Remus returns his phone to his satchel and signals James to follow him to pick up their actual drinks. “C’mon, Flitwick hates it when we’re late.”

.-

“Do you want the good news first, or the bad.” Lily asks Remus later that morning during their shared free period, dropping her bag on the tabletop that they typically commandeer towards the back of Hogwarts’s library, nearest the windows and tucked away by the shelves.

“Is there actually any good news? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better.” Remus asks, single brow cocked as he shuts his history book and tosses it to the side.

“Well your hair looks especially nice today,” she offers with a small smile, sitting besides him and ruffling his curls.

“Thanks, I suppose. But I’d rather just get to it. And don’t sigh at me like that! All long suffering and all.”

Rolling her eyes, Lily gathers her hair into a high pony before turning to Remus fully. “You’re my best friend, I love you more than just about anyone. You know that, right?” Lily asks him, stiff stance relaxing when he nods in turn. “Then understand that I’m saying this from a place of love, but you don’t get to be mad at him, okay. You’re the one who called it off Re, you’re the one who wanted you guys to go back to being friends to avoid that messiness in August. And you know I respect the decision, but also it wasn’t the only one to be had. I mean look at James and I—“

“You’re going to Columbia Lils,” Remus bristles, hates how defensive he’s getting all of a sudden. “That train ride is like two hours and some change at the very most. It’s not the same.”

“You guys could’ve made it work,” she insists, green eyes blazing in the dim light. “He’s crazy about you, and you’re in love with him— Like ass backwards in love. You can’t just cut that off like it’s nothing, damn it, Remus.”

He can feel his own ears reddening and Remus hates it, hates how today had started off so innocuous and now it’s an absolute shit show. Remus hates that Lily is always correct about everything, and hates how Sirius probably is regretting telling Remus he still fully intends to ask him out to prom, and hates how much he loves him— how whenever he looks at Sirius it’s just a deluge of wanting and adoring and regretting and needing to feel his lips against Sirius’s own again like a drug, how he’ll never forget how he tasted like coffee beans and cigarette smoke and the strawberries he ate every morning besides his breakfast. Remus hates it all and he can’t figure out how not to feel like suddenly everything is slipping out of his hands like sand drifting through his fingers.

“He’s probably not that crazy over me anymore considering he’s getting Gideon Prewett coffees now, so maybe it’s the right decision after all.” Is what Remus decides to tell Lily instead of that whirlwind of clashing feelings.

“Oh Christ,” Lily huffs, dropping her head back like she’s asking for strength from the heavens above. “Look, Dorcas tells me that they’ve only been out twice. And Marlene says that it’s nothing intense. Just a movie and then he went to go watch his nephew’s little league game.”

“Oh,” Remus intones, because, no. No he will not start crying like this is some fucking Nicholas Sparks novel, and he’s the wayward lead making all the worst decisions. He’s not going to cry damn it!

He is not a bird, and this is suppose to be happening, and none of this has any real consequence at the end of the day. He and Sirius broke up, and Sirius can go out with whoever he pleases— even if it’s good looking, ginger athletes.

Remus is fine.

“Remus,” Lily gently consoles, lacing her fingers into his own that’s resting on his lap, and squeezing for good measure. “Benjy told Mary, who told me during Calc that Gideon doesn’t expect anything. Sirius told him he’s not looking for anything long term.”

“That’s dumb,” Remus retorts, trying to hold everything in so that Lily doesn’t give him that concerned, doe eyed face of hers, like when he’s spent a week living off of protein bars and double shot espressos preparing for finals. “Gideon’s great, and there on the soccer team together, they would be perfect.”

“Remus, stop.”

“And he’s going to Dartmouth, so he’ll be super close for like weekend excursions and all of that.”

“Remus!”

“The more I think about it, Lils, the more it makes sense. They just fit.”

“Sure, those are all nice attributes,” Lily says, peering up at him disappointedly. “But he’s not you.”

Like a legion of angels singing in the distance, the bell begins to shrill for next period and Remus is spared from giving that statement any mind.

.-

He spends the rest of the week acting as if he hadn’t even seen Sirius that morning whenever around him, and internally analyzing each and every exchange between them, and comparing to them to when he sees Sirius chatting with Gideon. And it’s not fun to say the least. It’s like a flashback to when he was trying to hide his crush on Sirius back in Freshman and most of sophomore year, but somehow worse. It’s worse because Remus had him, had Sirius in all the ways someone could ever want an other. He had Sirius’s languid morning kisses, and Sirius’s bark like laughter. Remus had Sirius being nervous the first time Lyall came for his typical Christmas visit, and Sirius had to try and impress him along with Remus’s mom as more than just the friend he hung around with at school. Remus had Sirius’s gruff voice when they were in bed and getting tangled into one another, and Sirius’s dopey looks in the middle of class when he’d be gazing over at Remus instead of the board. And if Remus is being honest, he knows he still has all those things, but it’s suddenly and searingly clear that some time— sooner rather than later— they’ll all leave, abruptly disappearing and shattering Remus’s world in their wake. Because eventually all of those different facets of Sirius’s won’t be Remus’s anymore— they’ll be Gideon’s or some other boy he meets in New Haven. And Remus can’t even be upset at it, he doesn’t have a claim to any of Sirius anymore, doesn’t get to call any part of him his.

And it’s probably the worst Remus has felt since that first night after their break up, because he’s eating every moment he has with Sirius like he’s famished and Sirius is the last meal he’ll ever know. He wants to memorize every part of him before he can’t have any of it. He wants to unravel every layer of Sirius, and kiss it for the final time, and it’s like saying goodbye a thousand times over, strangling his heart and splintering something desperate deep inside of him.

Like now.

It’s edging on midnight, and they drove up to the lake front near their suburb, with Sirius lying with his head on Remus’s lap and his long, muscled body lying against the tattered blanket beneath them. And his eyes are fluttered shut while the speaker they brought croons out the indie playlist they like most from Spotify.

And Remus can’t help but feel like this is one of their last nights like this, alone and quiet and together without any other specter of some other partner. So he watches him, watches the moonlight pacing over his nose and the high bones of his cheeks and across Sirius’s eyelids too. Remus watches his ink  like lashes kissing his skin, and wants to touch the divot of his cupids bow like so many times before while his other hand cards through Sirius’s hair. 

And Remus lets himself want Sirius and wonders if he’ll ever stop wanting, craving, loving him.

“I can hear you thinking Moons,” Sirius says, fluttering his eyes open and crunching up before Remus can even respond. “What’s going on?”

“Huh? What do you mean? I’m fine.” Remus all but sputters, folding his knees against his chest and wrapping his arms around them, feeling somehow vulnerable in blistering ways. “Nothing is going on.”

“Pff,” Sirius gives him a pointed look, settles down so that they’re side by side and tries to get Remus to look at him head on. “You’ve been strange all week, Moony.” 

“That’s not—“

“And then tonight, you didn’t even tease your ma when she was telling us about that patient who puked all over her shoes.”

“Just tired is all.”

“But had enough energy to smoke half the joint I brought.” Sirius says with a snort, looking frustrated again when Remus didn’t even flinch a smile at the counter. “Remus, talk to me.”

“It’s fine Sirius,” Remus sighs, suddenly remembers how exhausting all their arguments were in the past. How Sirius tries getting him to speak everything in his mind, as if Remus could even put them into words. 

“Okay, then tell me why you rejected my offer to go to that Frank Ocean concert. You’re obsessed with him.”

“’S in July,” Remus reminds him lightly, focusses on the way they can see the North star glimmering against the horizon instead.

“And, so?” Sirius asks, sounding more than a bit scathing. “You’re not leaving for another month after that, you trying to cut me off completely by the summer or something?”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

“Don’t be condescending.”

“Sirius, just leave well enough alone. Holy shit.”

“I can leave it alone if you can actually tell me what the fuck is going on with you,” Sirius snaps, standing up now, probably because he always likes using his height advantage on most people whenever he gets all pissy.

“You can be such a prick sometimes, you know that?” Remus snarls at him, following suit and dipping his head back just slightly so that they’re eye to eye. “Not everything is on your schedule, you know that.”

“My schedule!” Sirius’s brows jump to his hairline, and he breaks into that manic laughter that springs up only when he’s so angry he can’t put his thoughts together. “I’m trying to do as much shit with you as possible before you leave, because for some stupid fucking reason I’m going to miss you when your across the fucking country! But yeah, whatever. If you’re actually just sick of me and my presence or what the fuck else, you can just—“

“I would’ve assumed you wanted to go with Gideon,” Remus blurts out, simply unable to hold it back any more, unable to pretend like he’s not suffering a thousand fresh paper cuts every time he even glances Sirius’s way these days. He can’t do this, can’t pretend to just be friends when they were— when they are— so much more than that. “To the concert I mean. I just assumed—“

“No,” Sirius says, seething as he storms up to Remus— close enough that the tips of their noses brush up against each other. 

“No? Excuse me?”

“No Remus you don’t get to do this!” Sirius repeats, voice going frayed at the edges as their glances level. “You don’t get to pretend as if I want anyone more than I want— than I’ve always wanted you. And you don’t get to float around for the rest of your life pretending as if this’ll ever change for me. As if you can’t hit me up in fifteen years when I’m married with kids, and ask to get back together, and think  that I wouldn’t drop it all for you.”

Remus’s heart begins to thud, loud and painful against his ribcage, and his lungs feel like they might collapse the instant Remus let’s the tears swimming in his eyes sprinkle out. “Sirius, I ca—“

“I’ve been in love with you since before we were suppose to mean what that meant, damn it, Remus! And you’re the one who called it off!”

“It was the right decision.” Remus croaks out, plunging his hands into his hoodie’s pockets, doesn’t want Sirius to see the way they’re shaking.

“”For you. The right decision for you.” Sirius presses, his gray eyes dark underneath the stars. “And you know I’d do anything you wanted of me, but you don’t get to be mad at the ways I cope. And you sure as fuck don’t get to be jealous of fucking Gideon Prewett, as if he can hold a match to you.”

“Oh.” Is all Remus can gather to say, peering back down at his shoes and pressing together his lips, feels the most lost he ever has while around Sirius. “I love you too, you know that. You know I love you so much that it hurts sometimes— That was never the problem.”

Sirius makes a strangled sound deep in his throat, and the next second, Remus can’t feel the warmth of his body besides him because Sirius is darting over to the cusp of the lake and kicking at a rock. “Fuck, Remus. You can’t just say that, all right! You can’t because none of this is fair, or okay. And I fucking hate it and I hate this and—“

“Maybe we can try,” Remus says, quiet but unshaken. And he watches as Sirius slowly turns back around, face scrunched up in utter confusion, but eyes glittering with something like hope. “I love you Sirius, and you love me. And Lily’s right, fucking hell she’s so right. I can’t just turn it off, okay. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t. I can’t be around you and not want every part of you. But I also can’t let myself stay away from you. So let’s try, and it’s probably a stupid difficult decision, and we’re going to be frustrated and we’re going to miss one another but I know there’s going to be no one I want more and I think you migh— Oof.”

Remus can’t continue rattling off any of the reasons why they should get back together, because Sirius is somehow magically popping up in front of him— his large hands cupping against Remus’s jawline and his thin lips crashing against him, and Remus can only wrap his arms around Sirius’s torso and give him back all he’s pushing forwards.

And it might’ve been a minute or an hour that past, but Sirius is pulling back with a face that looks lighter in ways Remus hasn’t seen on him since the breakup all those months ago. “I’d literally agree to anything if it means we can stay together, Moony. Absolutely anything.”

Remus feels the strain against the apples of his cheeks as he beams at him at the sound of the oath. “Yeah, me too Padfoot. Always and forever, it’s you.”

.-

My Other Wolfstar FIC💜

[all-about-seggs]

False Love-

Rating: ❌ 18+, Explicit ❌

Pairing- Timeskip! Yandere Oikawa Tooru x fem reader

Word count- 1.8 K

Warnings- Aphrodisiacs, fingering, dub-con, vaginal sex, Oikawa is delusional and sad.

A/n: This is my fic for the Valentine's day Collab that @ultimate-astridwriting hosted. I hope I was able to live up to their expectations (ᗒᗩᗕ).

Roaming around the busy streets of Palermo, ginormous heart shaped props occupying the narrow lane paints Oikawa's vision in scarlet. Love is in the air, as they say, was quite literally true for the beautiful city of Argentina.

In the midst of giggling couples and warm twinkling lights, the annoyed click of his tongue gets drowned out; Unnoticed ;making him recognise his own solitude.

Normally he'd have hoards of girls vying for his attention, trying to take him to their place but maybe it was because of his age, or the mountain of experience with the momentary flings that made him want to search for something deeper.

He used to be fine with superficiality of his relationships, the repeated cycle of getting himself off of any faceless women who came onto him then forgetting her existence the next day was fulfilling in itself. Afterall, his career has always taken priority.

Though the last remaining brain cells of his body tries to rationalise the situation he is getting himself in, Oikawa had already decided what kind of connection he wanted and and was just going to let himself have that. Selfishness is not something he ever disliked anyway.

He felt no need to hide his disdain, Oikawa wasn't one to be subtle about his pettiness either, that's why the contrasting emotions of his own, clashing with the jubilant ones of his surrounding annoyed him to no end.

The chocolates wrapped up neatly in his hand felt heavy, causing his fingers to tremble slightly. It wasn't the weight of the box but what he intended to do with the said item that made his insides twist with excitement.

Yes. It was excitement. Happiness and pure bliss that he felt when he rang the doorbell of your modest appartment in the costal side of the city. Despite having the sea right next to your place, the cold February air still made you shiver as you opened the door to see Oikawa standing at your doorsteps, all smiles with a dash of extra in his typical 'hand on the hip' pose.

Surprised wouldn't even being to describe your current state of shock. You spend the next few seconds just starting at his ever confident form before his voice brings you back to your senses.

" Yooohooo~ babe, I'm sure I don't look 'that' good. I just finished with practice so my hair's probably a mess right now", he continued on with his cheery tone,

" Come on, It's not like you have anyone else to spend Valentine's with, so why not just let me in already and look", dangling the expensive looking bag in front of your eyes, his expression took on a slightly sinister turn in their features, the kind that went away as soon as they appeared not leaving any trace of its original condescending vibes.

" I made these chocolates for you", emphasizing on the made part he stares right into your eyes, as if waiting for his well earned praise. Heaving a sigh of defeat you release the door know you didn't knew you had in a death grip, opening the door completely in a gesture to usher him inside.

Oikawa quickly makes himself at home, plopping down on your couch with his long legs stretched.

This was the first time you had seen him after the rejection of the high in demand position of his girlfriend. The face he made when you turned him down was of utter disbelief so much so that you almost reconsidered your decision. But you weren't that wishy washy in your opinions and his was a type you made sure to ignore.

You were aware of his salty personality and the habit of holding grudges, so you thought after that fateful day he'd ignore you like the plague, but for all his arrogance Oikawa's face was the epitome of gleeful.

" Soooo", starting off with an awkward note you casually try to sit on the furthest arm chair from the couch Oikawa was currently occupying and tried to ask what exactly was he expecting out of his current visit but he quickly cut you off by his own booming voice.

" Before all that, why don't you try these?", Pointing to the chocolates he starts unwrapping them, as he pulls the decorative ribbon, two rows of brown, heart shaped delicacies appeared.

"Don't be shy, I made these for you afterall", he remarked, pushing the box on your side of the table.

You didn't think much of it, afterall, 'making' chocolates just means buying store bought ones and just melting them into different shapes right?

Popping one small cube in your mouth you let it dissolve, your taste buds filling up with the sweetness of the treat. Just as it finished you heard Oikawa speak again.

"You probably know why I'm here, but I'll tell you again", readjusting his posture, he sits straight, both the look in his eyes and tone taking a more serious turn.

" I thought about why turned me down that day and I finally realised......You were just scared weren't you?", rather than upset he sounded relieved as he continued with self assuredness ,

" Of commitment? Or because of my job? Either way I can already assure you that I was already prepared to put you above everything else if the situation calls for it".

You were just sitting, listening to his outrageous conclusions when you felt your heartbeat increase. The sweaty palms of your hand to the moistness in your core, your entire body started reacting in ways you'd never experience before.

"You thought that I'd keep our relationship on the back burner and only focus on my career? You were just lonely weren't you?", With every passing second his delusional words seemed to work with more and more intensity that didn't helped your hyperventilating state at all.

"And you rejected me because you didn't wanted to have an absent boyfriend right? So in reality-", by the time he finished he was already in front of you, the fire in the depths of your core made your mind hazy and eyes unfocused. You wanted to ask what was happening or what he put in those chocolates but forming any coherent words was a feat on its own in your current condition.

He smoothly takes one of your burning hand in his cool ones, the contact making you instantly lean onto him for more. You're sitting in a daze when he pulls you up from the arm chair and places you on his lap back on the longer couch.

In your already aroused state, the soft strokes of Oikawa's fingers on your scalp made you succumb further into the need for release as you sit on his lap with your head resting against his shoulder. The room was now quite safe for his soothing voice that came from right about your head.

"You love me right?", the words that come out of his mouth in the heated moment betrayed all his attempts at feigned composure. He may have spiked the chocolates with some sort of aphrodisiacs but the way your heart hurted after hearing this made it seem more like a love potion.

With his barely audible voice they sounded almost like a plea, another desperate measure to get what he wanted.

Before you could even notice, your vision tilts and you find yourself pinned to the couch, with Oikawa hovering right above you. His hands on your sweatpants, lowering them all the way to your ankles. And the weirdest thing?

You didn't wanted him to stop.

Not when he spread you out completely in front of him. Not when he was shamelessly staring at your naked pussy with a maniacal glint in his eyes and definitely not when he shoved two of his thick digits up your leaking pussy that covered his entire palm in your slick at the slightest of contact.

Your soft walls clenching around his fingers was all he needed before he stared unzipping his own pants. He gazed at your panting body while he pulled his cock out, flipping you on your stomach with your ass up and face shoved down.

You barely cared about anything but getting fucked good at this point when you heard some rumbling behind you, as soon as Oikawa was done putting on a condom he lined himself up against your entrance.

Not wasting any more time he slips past your folds until he is buried to the hilt. The feeling of being stretched out and filled to the brim coaxed out a few lewd moans from your mouth.

Your slick was enough to make Oikawa pick up a hard and fast pace, your entire body shook with every thrust of his. He kept his hands on your waist, pushing himself as deep as he can before pulling out until only the tip remains. Your own orgasm started building up with his every action.

His member throbbed against your insides and the moans that slipped past his gritted teeth indicated he already came but his cock showed no signs of softening as he kept going with his brutal pace.

You bury your head sideways, tongue lolling out and covering the fabric beneath it in your drool as Oikawa lodges his cock further into your pussy from behind. He moves in and out of you with ease, the slick from both your pussy and his previous release was more than enough to keep his memeber going.

Gripping your ass cheek in one hand, he trails his other one in between your thighs. Quickly his digits grazes your clit, the pressure they added along with the heavy thrusts pulled you closer to the edge. The anticipation of your impending release was all your lust laden head could think about the feeling of ecstasy that you desperately needed.

The intensity of your orgasm made your eyes roll back, and if it wasn't him holding you firmly in place, you probably would've fell down the couch. With your entire body shaking your panted heavily from your mouth to calm yourself.

Oikawa doesn't make any attempt to pull out or move and even after your breathing becomes even his member is still lodged deep inside you. He gently starts gyrating his hips against your pussy again and it becomes obvious that you weren't the only one under the effects of aphrodisiacs.

As cum trickles down your inner thighs, all you could decipher was the overwhelming bolts of pleasure Oikawa's cock provided and the sounds of your skin smacking against eachother's.

With his hands on both of your sides, he lowers himself down until your back was flush against his toned chest, his raspy voice rumbled through your ear as he spoke in a dark possessive tone,

"Don't forget..... we are in love"

[shurelyasreverie]

Me getting ready to request a valorant agent: 😎

Anyways, I know I already asked for something so hopefully you dont kind me doubling up, and if not do you mind if I request headcannons about Jett with a medic agent? Less Sage's magic healing and more stick them with a needle and sew them up with a thread kind of medic?

Me getting ready to write for a valorant agent: 😎

Don’t worry about the double up! I just got round to this request quicker since there are a lot less Valorant requests than League (don’t worry your League request will be coming 😁)

Also, I completely missed seeing 'headcanons' and wrote a drabble, then it grew into a oneshot omg. Hope it's still alright!

Injured!Jett x Agent!Reader: Not Alone

Jett's injured and you're the only one left to do the mission, but Jett's not going to let you go so easily.

Word Count: 1105

“Hold still.”

“It hurts.”

“Conventional medicine typically does,” you groaned as you held onto Jett's shoulder as she writhed in your grip.

It was all in good humour, but the other agents all laughed at your decision to take a first aid course. With healers like Sage and Skye on your side who could heal instantly with their abilities, bandages and anaesthetic were a thing of the past that only you and the older agents were versed in.

“Nah, nah, nah. Let me do all the fightin' and my fire'll heal me up just fine,” Phoenix explained.

“First aid? Oh no my dear, your intellect can be used on something far more useful, such as testing my gadgets!” Cypher countered.

“(Y/N), I am sure such skills are useful in their own way, but your time could be better used elsewhere,” Sova respectfully gave his opinion on the matter.

But now here you are on a duo mission with Jett, and her, being as confident and reckless as always, managed to get herself shot. Of course, Jett's health was the biggest priority but still... you couldn't wait to rub this mission in everyone's noses. First aid was useless, huh?

“You're lucky it was your shoulder and nowhere else,” you muttered as you wrapped her shoulder. The bullet did more than just graze her but did less than fully go through any crucial nerves. There was a lot of blood, but give it enough time and Jett will be right as rain.

“Both Sage and Skye are on missions of their own but they can heal you up fully when you're transported back to Protocol,” you stated as you started to bandage her wound. She pouted, slouching in defeat, occasionally hissing as the anaesthetic kicked in in waves. Certain times the stinging was too great and her hand was latching onto your forearm, holding it tightly as she gritted through the pain. You watched her sympathetically, stopping for a moment until she gave you the nod to continue.

“And what will you be doing?”

“I'll be finishing the mission.”

“You can't do that,” Jett exclaimed, standing up in outrage. “You're going to end up worse than me!”

“I don't randomly rush into the field,” you retorted and Jett hesitated.

“At least take me with you. Use me as bait or something, I can handle it.”

“No way.”

“And no way you're going alone!”

You pulled back for a moment, meeting Jett's crystal eyes. The two of you locked in a glaring battle, seeing who would relent. Jett was known for being stubborn, but unfortunately for her, you could be just as stubborn if you wanted to.

“Protocol gave us a mission, I'll get it done. We've faced worse.”

“We've faced worse as a group. What, are you going to suffocate them with your bandages or something? Stick a needle in their eye?”

“If that gets the job done,” you mused as you fastened the bandage to her shoulder, holding it still before Jett tried to do anything funny with her wounded arm. You kept her at eye level. “You're hurt, Jett. Go home, I'll see you there.”

“It's only worth it when you're there,” Jett huffed. She plopped back down on the box she was previously sitting on. “I'm staying here.”

“Yes, until Brimstone comes to pick you up.”

“No. Look, I can stay here and make sure this camp's safe while you go out and complete the mission. I've got a sniper rifle, I'll cover your back.”

“You can't safely fire a gun with that much recoil with that shoulder,” you pointed out.

“I'll use a pistol then.”

“From that range, it's useless!”

You rubbed your temples, pacing back and forth. “Jett, please. Just listen to me, for once. It's best you go back to headquarters. That wound isn't a problem now but I can't guarantee it won't get infected or anything.”

“Now you're just making stuff up.”

“Am not,” you groaned. Was Jett really that used to instantaneous healing she didn't know about infections?

“(Y/N), this place is nice, but not nice enough to die in. I'm not letting you die here.”

“I won't let you die here either,” you snapped. “A sniper shot is a sniper shot. We know how snipers think and act. It's a marvel they only got a chunk of your shoulder and not your head. You're already toying with death, I don't want you to do that again.”

“We didn't get to take down that sniper,” Jett replied, frustration evident in her voice. “They're still out there, and they could shoot you next. I don't want you to go through what I did, or worse.”

“You've done solo missions before, why won't you let me do this alone?”

“Because I like you, dumbass!”

And when the bombshell dropped, the dust settled, and the two of you were engulfed in silence. You, stunned as you stared at Jett in disbelief, Jett staring back but she was showing signs of cracking under your intense gaze. She started to chew on her lower lip, her face growing increasingly hot. Her voice came out timid.

“Say something. Please.”

“I like you too.”

Well, what a turn of events. You cleared your throat as you struggled to bring yourself to move, Jett's eyes tracking your every move. Although you might've spontaneously confessed to each other, the tension still didn't die down. There was still the imposing thought of you going out there, alone. You pondered for a few moments.

“I'll ask Brimstone to send in Reyna and Breach and they'll help me see this mission through, deal?”

“... deal.”

“How's the shoulder?” your voice noticeably softened. Jett shifted slightly.

“It'll do. It's not like we're doing anything until Brimstone comes. And, uh...”

Jett's eyes darted from side to side, seemingly checking for anyone watching, or perhaps she just wanted to look everywhere except for your face as her face started to redden. Searching her surroundings, she started to get closer to you as you watched her with curiosity. She stopped when she was right in front of you, any closer and you'd be touching.

“Thanks for the heal.”

She pecked your lips before using her ability to dash out of the scene. Stunned, you stood frozen for a few moments before shaking your head and chuckling to yourself. Jett was just as confident and reckless as always.

[charnamefic]

Kevin Can F*** Himself and The Sitcom

I am fascinated by this canon's universe, by the implications of living in a sitcom reality where there’s a non-sitcom reality when the sitcom isn’t running.

I’m taking as a given that Kevin Can F*ck Himself takes place in what truly is a sitcom-universe. I know some people consider the sitcom-style parts of the show to be Allison’s way of thinking about her life while she really lives in a more mundane universe, but frankly that’s not a theory that interests me. I have no beef with those who believe it, but I find Kevin Can F*ck Himself to be a much richer viewing experience personally if read as the off-screen adventures of an actual sitcom wife, and that’s the only reading I’m going to get invested in and theorize about.

At the beginning of the first episode I thought Allison was, on some level, aware that she was a TV character – I thought that her fantasies about living the 50's housewife advertising dream were the expression of a desire for a genre shift (that could never come) – but by the end of the episode I’d concluded that she doesn't know. I don’t think any of the characters know that they’re sitcom characters, and, as an extension of that, I don’t think any of them are aware that there are differences between the on-screen and off-screen existences they live. So what does it mean to be that one-dimensional, sitcom type of character and live under that universe’s rules for parts of your life, and transition into a rounded-out person with an active inner life at other times? What does it mean when you can’t comprehend that transition, and when the more rounded version of yourself has to tackle with who you are and what happens to you in that sitcom reality? What power of self do you have, both to be a person in your own right and to act as one free of the constraints of what the rules of a sitcom universe would demand?

What are the rules of the Kevin Can F*ck Himself universe as a sitcom?

Here's what we have to work with:

The universe is a status quo is god universe. Kevin and Allison can never move away, never not be Neil’s neighbours. We as viewers of Kevin Can F*ck Himself see what that means for the characters, how painful that stagnation is to Allison and the horrible things that have led to that consequence, but Kevin Can F*ck Himself takes place off-screen of the sitcom – on-screen, that’s just typical status-quo maintenance. Kevin and Allison can’t keep a pet, can’t add new characters to the cast or kick off old ones; at the end of the episode, nothing will have happened that will keep the sitcom from being something you can tune-in to irregularly without missing a plot-important episode.

The sitcom caters to the man-child id. Kevin can be rude and outright cruel to his wife, and he’ll never have to worry about her responding in equal kind. Kevin can accuse and humiliate and banish his best female friend, and she’ll come crawling back for re-entry into the gang, feeding him and making up for her failure to prioritize him. Kevin can fight with his best male friend, and the girls will sort it out without Kevin or Neil’s egos having to take a serious blow; it’s just a special episode where Kevin learns to express appreciation for his sidekick (at least until next episode). Kevin may be an everyman, but he will never be outshone.

The sitcom universe is simple and insular. “It seemed harmless.” It is harmless. All pain can be brushed off, all suffering passes quickly. Kevin can promise a bunch of people money he doesn’t have and trap them in his basement and not need to fear any lawsuits. Kevin can set his neighbour’s lawn on fire, and that’s fine, it really is. He can get a mailwoman deported, and once the episode’s over it’s no-one’s problem and it doesn’t indicate anything about what kind of person someone who would do that is or what values they hold. Kevin can get his wife fired, and she can’t nurse a grudge over that, can’t mention it again or have it shape their future interactions; it’s one and done. Dreams can be dashed, and by the next scene break it’s back to basics not simply because the status quo is god but because when your hopes die you get up and move on and keep acting like the paint-by-numbers character tropes you embody. The people are no more complicated than the actions. The caretaking wife can’t be truly hurt by the daily derogation she suffers from everyone who interacts with her. The next-door neighbour can’t have a fulfilling life outside of Kevin’s orbit, he can’t even complete fairly simple tasks without a leader to follow. Kevin’s dad can’t be anyone outside of being Kevin’s dad. The girl in the group cannot show an inner life or opinions or desires that conflict with her designated role. What you see is what you get, and there’s nothing you have to consider under the surface.

Kevin Can F*ck Himself has shown us that these rules only hold true on-screen in the sitcom; once the sitcom cameras aren’t on the characters anymore, the entire world shifts into something different. If we consider the on-sitcom-screen and off-sitcom-screen worlds to be like two intersecting realities, I think we have to assume that the sitcom reality is the dominant one. Events happen in the Kevin Can F*ck Himself reality that are necessarily related to the sitcom reality (Allison reacting to how she’s treated when off-screen; Allison and Patty discussing events that have happened on-screen while off-screen) whereas the events in the sitcom reality occur regardless of the Kevin Can F*ck Himself reality (Allison’s damaged clothes and injuries that occur off-screen aren’t noticeable on-screen; when Kevin confronts Allison and Patty, that confrontation makes sense in the sitcom universe even without the context given in the Kevin Can F*ck Himself reality). If the sitcom reality is the dominant reality, that necessitates that the Kevin Can F*ck Himself reality is still influenced by the rules of the sitcom reality even when the cameras are off – if the influence can only have significant consequences in one direction, then the universe that can’t significantly influence the other can’t have anything happen in it that would have to have a notable impact on the other.

To put this to a concrete example, the marriage Allison has on-screen can affect her contentment with her life off-screen and make her want to have an affair off-screen, but – given the premise expressed above – her off-screen affair can’t unduly affect her on-screen marriage. It can’t influence her think she might be able to find a safe way to get a divorce because that would affect the status quo of the sitcom. It can’t be reflected in her on-screen interactions with Kevin because that would complicate their marriage in a manner the sitcom universe can’t bear.  

I don’t think Allison’s affair with Sam can come out on-screen in the sitcom. The sitcom everyman’s wife cheating on him isn’t what the target demographic wants. The dream of the hot wife who’ll let you get away with anything, who puts out and cleans up and cooks and boosts and takes her lumps with a smile and stands by you no matter how many times things don’t go as desired – yes! The culturally ingrained fear that your woman is cuckolding you, that you’re inadequate instead of all that she wants and needs, that you’re a fool and didn’t actually land that dream catch – no, absolutely not! It breaks the rule of catering to the man-child id, it breaks the rules of simplicity, and it breaks the rule of status quo. I think Allison will face problems with the affair – we know she will in some way from the ep 6 preview – but I suspect the issues surrounding it will be more along the lines of getting to know Jenn and discovering that she’s actually awkward but sincere and the “who really gets the hot guy” competition is way less fun when you empathize with the opposition, or having to face that the reasons she and Sam didn’t end up together back when they were teens still apply and that doing this with him now won’t make her happy. Whatever happens, I don’t think Allison’s marriage will be affected in a way that will show up in the sitcom at all. So there’s a front on which Allison’s behaviour is safe – the affair can never come out in a way Kevin and the sitcom viewers will believe in it, so she will never have to face consequences along the lines of suffering a broken-marriage for which everyone considers her at fault because she committed adultery – and a way in which it’s not – Allison basically said that she knew it was a shitty thing to do but she had fun enabling Sam in cheating on his girlfriend back in high school because she didn’t know the other girl and didn’t really think about her, but now that the relationships those involved are in are even more serious and the other woman is an actual acquaintance there’s no way that this won’t at least lead to drama guaranteed to have a significant influence and consequences in her off-sitcom-screen life. My point with this is that (if my theory is correct) Kevin Can F*ck Himself will show consequences, but Kevin’s sitcom can’t, and that inherently affects the dangers Allison faces for her behaviour and what can come of it in both worlds.  

Leading off from that, we have the whole dealing drugs and assaulting a trucker thing. Necessarily, none of what we’re seeing in Kevin Can F*ck Himself about that can be reflected in the sitcom. We can have the dramatic irony of Kevin confronting Allison the night she started having an affair, we can watch Kevin confront her and Patty over the horrible acts they committed off-screen, but due to the nature of the universe, that cannot be anything but dramatic irony which sitcom viewers wouldn’t be able to pick up on. Simply put, Patty can’t be sent off to jail for dealing because she’s a regular. Allison will never be convicted for what they did to that trucker – even though you’d expect her to be in serious trouble given that surely there would have been security cameras all over any gas station – because that cannot flow back to the sitcom reality in any recognizable way.

Can the sitcom wife spend more than one episode under on-screen police scrutiny? There could probably be a plotline where she spends a night in jail, but according to sitcom logic that has to be sorted out before the episode is over. There has to be some sort of misunderstanding revealed, some piece of evidence come to light that exonerates her. She has to get back to her husband and the dirty laundry and the meals she needs to make. This is why I think it’s not possible that Allison and Patty mugging that guy for his oxy can come back to bite them in a way that would be reflected on-screen in the sitcom. The sitcom wife doesn’t beat people up for their drugs, not like that at least. The rules of a sitcom will not allow it.

The rules of a sitcom also don’t allow the star to die. I fully believe that Patty was right; if Allison had filled that burger with drugs, Kevin would have been back up and running by the next scene. So, given that truly bad things can’t happen to Kevin, and given that things can’t significantly change, what can Allison’s plans be building toward? Literally, is it possible for Kevin to end his life in jail for drug-related crimes? If the premise I’ve laid out above is correct, then no. Is it possible for Kevin to die in allegedly drug-related gang violence? No. It’s more likely that Marcus talks a big game, but is actually a small enough fish he could be taken out of the equation by Patty telling his aunt he was bothering her. I don’t think anything Allison and Patty can do in the Kevin Can F*ck Himself universe to get Kevin done for drug-related crimes can lead to anything more than a Very Special Episode about drugs on the sitcom.

So what does that mean for the show? I have no idea, and I’m really interested in finding out.

Can the rules of the universe be changed? Allison broke a glass on-screen, in a way which probably wouldn’t have been written into a sitcom, so maybe. But that didn’t really break any of the proposed rules of the universe, so maybe not.

And what happens if Allison succeeds? Characters in a sitcom have backstories, but can they have futures after the show is cancelled?

I’ve heard from a lot of people that they don’t enjoy the sitcom scenes, but (for the most part) I think those are depicted to establish and convey something important. I might be completely off-base with my analysis of how realities are portrayed in the show and what we can glean from that, but even without that I think we’ve been offered a compelling deconstruction of on-screen sitcom hijinks.  

Also, I just really love how they’ve worked within the boundaries of the intersection of sitcom and non-sitcom presentation. How can the “just getting by” family afford all the fun things that make the sitcom life aspirational without making the characters too well-off for the everyman to see himself and his own struggles in them? Simple – drain those off-screen savings. It’s perfect. It’s so beautifully indicative of Kevin Can F*ck Himself’s premise.

Any way you look at it and whatever theories you prefer, the world presented in Kevin Can F*ck Himself offers up a lot of interesting possibilities and I can’t wait to see them explored.

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

An Unforgettable Halloween | Luke Patterson

Requested by anon:  hiiiii! can i do a jatp luke x reader imagine where it’s halloween and reader runs into Luke and they spend the whole day making Luke forget he’s dead? thanks! <3 love your writing by the way

A/N: Thank you for this request, anon! I really enjoyed writing it! I hope you like it!! Idk why I always need to have the reader and Luke/Charlie singing together, but here ya go anyway. The song used is Favorite Place by All Time Low. :) 

Pairing: Luke x fem!reader

Warnings: fluff

Words: 4,447

Halloween. It’s never been my favorite holiday. My poor, feeble heart can’t handle all the scares and creepy stuff. And besides, it’s over commercialized, in my opinion. Capitalism just needed another reason to exploit a holiday. My best friend, Ava,  tells me I hate the holiday because it reminds me of two years ago when a Halloween party traumatized me for the rest of my life. “Just because Brent made that day terrible, doesn’t mean the day will forever be terrible, Y/N,” she’d always say. Though that might be true, I still like to believe that’s not the only reason why I  hate the holiday. “Just come with me to the party tonight, and you’ll see it’s not as bad as you think it is!” We’re on FaceTime while I’m doing homework and she’s trying to figure out what to wear to the annual Halloween party at Charlotte the popular girl’s house. Another reason to hate the holiday. Charlotte Parks is the typical popular girl trope in this story. Pretty, popular with the guys, a cheerleader. The cliché. “I don’t think I’m gonna do that, Av,” I say whilst tucking my pencil behind my ear and staring down the phone in front of me, balancing against my backpack on the end of my bed. “You know Charlotte and I don’t mix well together.” That’s true. Charlotte has always despised me, God knows why. For some reason unknown to me, she always has to find a way to ruin my life. “Her house is so big, you won’t even see her!” Ava reasons from her walk-in closet before walking back onto the screen, another dress in her hand. This one is a black bodycon number with a white collar at the top and fringes at the sleeves. “How about this one?” “That’s very Wednesday Adams!” I exclaim with a wide smile on my face, to which I receive a very impressed nod from my best friend. “You know Bobbi’s coming tonight, Av. Can’t cancel on her!” Roberta’s my cousin of 13, and she’s one of my best friends, no matter how lame that sounds. We’ve always been pretty good pals, since we’re the only girls in the family. We kind of had to stick together against the testosterone of our other cousins. She’s not actually coming tonight, but I needed a good excuse to get out of this party. “Take her with you!” she yells both excited and kind of desperate at the same  time. “Ooh! How about I wear my pleather pants with, like, a black body and cat ears?!” She disappears into the wardrobe again. “She’s 13, Av! I’m not going to take her to a high school party!” I yell back whilst shaking my head in disappointment. “Wear whatever you want, Ava. I’m sure you’ll look amazing.” She appears into the picture again, her pleather pants halfway her butt and her bra on show. “Hey, is that my bra?!” I recognize that black lace with the gold detailing down the bust anywhere and I’ve lost that bra three weeks ago. “What? No! This is mine!” she says, but I can tell she’s lying. “You are unbelievable, Av!” I shake my head, grinning at my best friend. “I’m gonna have to go though. Send me a snap of  your outfit once you’ve chosen!” She nods her head in response, walking up closer to her phone, which she had balanced somewhere on her drawers. “I really can’t convince you to come?” Her expression has suddenly turned serious. She really is bummed I don’t want to come out, but I don’t care. I can’t care. This is for my own good. At least then, I don’t have to see Charlotte. Or Brent. “I’m really sorry, Ava.... Maybe next year, yeah?” She sighs mournfully before nodding her head. “Have fun, okay? And be careful!” A smile appears on her face again. “I will, babes. Have fun with Bobbi!” She offers me a wave, which I return before yelling ‘bye’ and pressing the red button on my phone screen. Lying to my best friend is not my favorite thing to do, but she wouldn’t shut up when she found out what I’m actually gonna be doing. With a sharp exhale, I crawl off my bed and head downstairs where my parents are getting ready for their little get-together with their friends. Dad’s dressed in a pin-stripe suit, a fake mustache stuck on his upper lip and his hair gelled back tightly whilst mom’s wearing a black dress with a deeply cut V-neck and a large slit down the side. Gomez and Morticia Addams. Very spooky. “Don’t you two look dashing,” I compliment, watching them from the middle of the stairs, sitting down. Mom shoots me a kind smile as she fixes her slick hair. “What are you gonna do tonight, sweetie?” Dad asks, tightening his tie. “Probably gonna go get some food and watch some movies,” I shrug, placing my head in my hand, my elbow resting on my knee. “You know, the use.” Dad exhales sharply, smiling sympathetically. “Don’t give me that look, dad.” “I’m sorry, sweets. But I just wish you would act like a seventeen-year-old instead of an eighty  year old.” I scoff at his statement. We had this discussion last year too. Both of them know what happened and why it’s so hard for me to enjoy this day. But they still give me shit for it. “I’m gonna have plenty of fun by myself. Even more so than if I did go to the stupid party,” I reason with him. He raises his hands in defeat before turning to his wife. “Just make sure the kids get their candies, yeah?” mom says instead, climbing a couple of stairs to press a kiss to my head. “I love you,” she whispers and heads down again. “Love you too. Have fun, guys.” Dad comes up to kiss me too before heading to the door with mom. With his hand on the doorknob, he looks back at me. “You know we only want you to be happy, right?” he says. I nod my head, offering him a smile. “I love you, sweets.” He walks out and shuts the door behind him, leaving me alone in the empty house. I sigh deeply before heading down and grabbing my Vans. Once they’re on my feet, I grab my wallet and exit the house. The cool October air hits my sweater-clad arms, sending a chill down my spine. As my feet tread down the pavement, my mind wanders to this day two years ago. Around this time, everything seemed normal. I was happy and excited to get to the Charlotte Parks Halloween extravaganza with my boyfriend Brent. We’d picked out a great couples’ costume. He was a wolf, and I was dressed as Red Riding Hood. I’d even taken the liberty to go all out with makeup and put a slash near my eye as though I’d been attacked by the wolf. Ava was a fan of that costume, more than Brent was. But when we neared the end of the night, everything crumbled down into shreds of sadness and anger. The residue of that anger wells up again until it’s knocked out of me when I bump into someone, making me stumble backwards. I would’ve fallen on my ass if it wasn’t for the hands capturing my arms to keep me from doing so. “I am so sorry, I--” I stop in my tracks as I look up into the gorgeous green eyes that belong to the attractive brunette that saved me from landing on the cold pavement. “A-are you okay?” he asks, letting go of me. “I--wait…” He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “You can see me? And you can touch me?” That’s the weirdest question I’d ever gotten. My eyebrows knit together now too, trying to figure out what’s happening and why this boy is so confused about our entire interaction. “Uhm, yeah? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with people?” “No. I mean -- yeah, but I’m not a person, technically,” he replies in a mumble. He cautiously looks up at me again. “I’m a ghost, actually.” I let the words sizzle through my brain until it decides to send me into a fit of laughter. “Right, yeah, it’s Halloween. Ghosts. I get it. Good one,” I say between laughs, patting the boy’s shoulder, which only sends him to more confusion. To be fair, he doesn’t feel like a normal person. His arms don’t feel like they’re made of flesh and blood, but rather something light and airy. He gapes at me with this inquisitive look on his face, which calms down the laughter abruptly. “You’re not really a ghost, are you?” I ask, just to be certain. “I am, actually…” he mutters and jams his hands into the pockets of his black jeans. “Me and my bandmates died in 1995 and this girl, Julie, brought us back as ghosts… She’s the only one who could see us… Until now,” he looks up at me with hope and confusion written all over his face. “But she can’t touch us… Are you sure you’re not dead either?” I snort at his last question. “Kinda wish I was today,” I blurt out. My eyes widen after the words left my mouth. “That sounds way too dark…” I chuckle, and the boy does too, but I think it’s more out of awkwardness than finding it funny. “Are you okay?” he asks. At first, I think about answering it superficially, but there’s this look on his face that makes me want to spill all the beans. He, too, seems lonely and distraught on this Halloween night. “I’m not actually,” I glance down at my feet, finding his feet are clad in the same shoes. I then let my eyes glide from his shoes all the way up to his face. He’s urging me to continue by tilting his head a little, shooting me a questioning glance. “Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday…” I clarify. The boy nods his head understandingly. “That explains the lack of costume,” he says, which makes me glance down at my doodled-on mom jeans and oversized sweater before chuckling. “You don’t do the dressing up either? Or is that not something ghosts do?” I query, pointing at his ensemble. He’s wearing black jeans with a shirt and long-lined jean jacket. “I mean, it’s not like anyone would see,” he jokingly says, which lets a giggle escape from my mouth. His smile widens upon hearing this ridiculous sound coming from me. “Where were you going so determinedly before I smashed into you?” he asks after a few beats of silence. “Oh, I was getting some food from the place on the end of our street. They got pretty decent sushi, and since I’m home alone tonight, I thought, why the heck not treat myself, right?” I curse at myself for sharing this much with a complete stranger, who is a ghost, nonetheless, but the chuckle that reaches my ears comforts me a little. “No parties to go to? Back in my day, Halloween parties were always the best.” I feel the smile on my face fade away at the reminder of the Halloween party I’m not attending tonight. “Yeah, no… I haven’t gone to any Halloween party in two years… Like I said, Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday.” He offers me a sympathetic smile. A silence then falls over us as we stand in the middle of the street, looking at each other, debating what to say. “So… I’m gonna go and get my sushi. Uhm… Sorry for bumping into you,” I apologize and lift a foot to start walking away, but his voice stops me. “Would you mind if I tagged along?” he asks, which renders me surprised. “I don’t eat, so you don’t have to buy me sushi, but I think I could use some company tonight… If you don’t mind, of course.” His eyes are filled with hope, and some sort of desire to hang out with someone other than those bandmates he was talking about. “Uhm, no… Yeah, sure. You can tag along. It might be a nice change from that lonely Halloween I always have,” I chuckle, and he does too. “I’m Y/N, by the way,” I say as he turns and falls into step with me. “Luke,” he introduces himself with a smile. “Why don’t you go to Halloween parties, Y/N?” I inhale sharply at this question. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask too much about it. But I guess I can never get out of that question anymore. Halloween is a big holiday around here. “Two years ago, I went to one with my boyfriend. It’s the party where I found out he was cheating on me with the one girl who always had it out for me.” It rolls off my lips with ease. Normally, I’d choke or start bawling my eyes out. But Luke’s aura is so calming and reassuring that I can’t help but feel okay telling the story. “I haven’t been able to go back since, much to my best friend’s dismay.” I roll my eyes amusedly thinking about Ava and her desperate attempts to get me to go each year. “That sucks, I’m sorry,” he says as we enter the sushi place. “You better grab your phone now if you wanna talk to me. People tend to give weird looks at people talking to themselves.” I get my phone from my back pocket and pretend to dial a number before pressing it to my ear, glancing up at Luke with a smile on my face. “Hey, how you doing?” I say into the phone, which makes Luke giggle. “Just know that your ex-boyfriend’s stupid for ever cheating on you,” he tells me before looking down at his feet. “I would never wanna hurt someone as pretty as you.”  I can feel a blush creeping its way onto my cheeks, but decide to conceal it by jokingly saying, “Aw, you think I’m pretty.” He rolls his eyes, an amused smile on his face. “Next!” the guy from the sushi place yells. “Oh, hold on,” I say into my phone before placing it on the counter and facing the employer. “Uhm, the Halloween surprise box, please,” I order politely. The man nods curtly before getting into action. I grab my phone again and press it to my ear to continue talking to Luke while we make our way to a couple of chairs and tables set up for waiting customers. I let my eyes wander around the room. It’s decorated to the max with spiders in spiderwebs, pumpkins, skeletons, ghosts,... The lot. Then, my eyes fall onto Luke. He’s glancing around the place, letting his eyes wander until they find their way back to me. A shimmer appears in them when he finds me already looking at him. “So, you said you were in a band?” I ask, pretending to talk to the person on the other side of the line. “Oh, yeah! Me and three of my best friends were in this band called Sunset Curve. Three of us died on the night we were supposed to play the Orpheum,” he explains, and my eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets upon hearing the name of the venue. “The Orpheum?! You’re kidding, right?” He shakes his head, smirking. “You would’ve been legends.” The words come out in a whisper, hoping it wouldn’t upset him too much. “Yea, we would’ve been,” he sighs, then suddenly perks up again like an excited puppy, “But the girl I told you about, Julie? She can make us visible whenever we play with her! We’re now a band with her called Julie and The Phantoms!” I giggle at his endearing enthusiasm. “We would’ve had a gig at this really cool party in the Bel Air, but Julie got sick and had to cancel.” My eyes widen upon the words ‘party’ and ‘Bel Air’. Charlotte Parks lives in Bel Air. “That would be the party I’m not going to tonight,” I tell him, chuckling. “So, we would’ve met tonight either way.” He adds with a cheeky smile, “Some would say it’s fate.”  I shake my head at him, but can’t help the smile on my face either. I want to add something to debunk his theory, but my name is called out by the sushi guy. I get up and take the box of sushi from him, shooting him a quick thank you before leaving the joint with Luke in tow. “Where do you wanna go?” he asks, bouncing up and down. “Oh, I was planning on watching some movies at home, but if you have a better idea to spend tonight? Anything is better than going to that Halloween party.” He purses his lips in ponder, his eyes darting up to the night sky. “Ooh! There’s this park I like to hang out at sometimes?” I raise my eyebrows at his suggestion, popping a piece of sushi in my mouth. I’m way too hungry to wait until we sit down to eat. “You haunt children’s playgrounds?” I ask after having swallowed the seafood. His eyebrows knit together at this as he narrows his eyes at me. “I don’t haunt children’s playgrounds. I hang out at them,” he corrects me. “You’re a ghost, sweetie. That’s haunting.” “It’s not!” he shouts. “It is so!” I laugh loudly, throwing my head back. “You’re lucky the kids are all trick or treating tonight, so we can go there. Might be a little more secluded for me to talk freely to you without worrying people will think I’m crazy.” He nods his head agreeingly. Once at the park, we take a seat in the grass. I have my legs crossed whilst Luke’s are spread out, his hands supporting the rest of his body behind him. “So, what do you do in life, Y/N? You know, besides avoiding parties,” he asks with a little smile plastered on his face. I look at him for a moment, chewing my sushi. This gives me the time to really look at him. He has really great bone structure. Sharp jawline, chiseled cheekbones, fine nose, deep-set, dreamy eyes. “Eating sushi,” I reply jokingly after I’d swallowed the piece of deliciousness. Luke lets out a laugh too. “I’m still in school, so I’m spending most of my time studying. And I like to think I’m a pretty decent writer.” He stares at me, giving me his undivided attention with the cutest smile plastered on his face. “What do you write?” he asks curiously as I pop another sushi in my mouth. I lift my hand to my mouth, and reply, “Poems,” before continuing to chew quickly. “Kinda like songs, then?” I shrug my shoulders. “They could be, but I don’t play any  instrument, so I haven’t tried,” I reply and place the half-eaten box of sushi to the side, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “Do you write your own music?” He nods his head. “I wrote most of the songs in our band and now, I write with Julie for the new band,” he answers. As I’m thinking how much I’d like to hear him and his band play, he cuts those thoughts in two by asking, “Can I see your work?” I open my mouth, then close it. Then open again. I must look like a goldfish breathing. “I’ve never really shown anyone my work…” I trail off, debating whether or not I should show him. “Besides, my notebook is at home.” Luke suddenly gets up from the grass and reaches out his hand for me to take. I hesitate. Am  I really going to take a complete stranger, a ghost, to my house to show my poetry, only to find out he hates it because it’s nothing like his songwriting? The answer is yes. I place my hand in his and let him pull me to my feet. Without letting go of my hand, he grabs the box of sushi and then guides me out of the park and lets me lead us towards my house. “Wait here,” I tell him as we’re in the foyer. He simply jams his hands into his pockets and nods his head curtly. I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and then go to grab my notebook from my room, quickly storming back downstairs where Luke’s still waiting. I make my way to the living room and sit down on the couch. The boy cautiously trails behind me, and only comes to sit down after I pat the spot beside me. “It’s not that great, but… You know, it’s fun to do and a great outlet for anything I may be feeling.” I hand him the notebook and let him flip through all the pages. He stops on a few, reading it a little more thoroughly. It’s building some suspense in me. What if he doesn’t even like them? What if he, a songwriter, hates them? “Ah! This one!” he exclaims, and suddenly, with a whoosh, there’s an acoustic guitar on his lap. “One of the perks of being a musician spirit,” he tells me with a grin before strumming the instrument a little. He abruptly stops, looks at the page in my notebook again, and then softly tickles the strings. A beautiful melody pours out of the instrument before his melodic voice joins in too with the words I wrote. “I saw your face in the fire again I touched the flames and burned down everything I hear the sirens west of 8th now” He looks at me with a questioning glance as if asking for encouragement of some sorts. I offer him a smile, unsure of anything else I could be doing right now. His voice has rendered me silent. I think I could listen to him sing for hours.  “Wonder if you're hearin' them too And I know you don't belong  Know you don't belong to anyone” He focuses on the instrument again, making sure he’s still playing the right chords.  “No you can't be tamed love Maybe I was wrong  Maybe I was wrong for this But you feel like the perfect escape now Just like the sun on my face” His voice grows a little stronger, almost sounding raspier and more like a growl as he looks up again. I always thought it’d be cliché to melt when an attractive boy sings to me, but it’s actually happening to me right now.  “So can we close the space between us now It's the distance we don't need  Yeah, you're everything I love about The things I hate in me  So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place” “You sing this last part,” he tells me, pushing the notebook towards me before going back to playing his guitar.  “I can’t sing, Luke,” I tell him, slightly panicking.  “Sure you can. I’ll sing along, don’t worry,” he offers me a reassuring smile before putting more power behind his strumming while also leaning closer toward me to read the words.  “So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place” He now quits playing, placing his hands flat on the strings, and for a while we just stare at each other in disbelief. Disbelief about the song we just made together. Disbelief about how beautiful a voice he has. Disbelief about how attractive he is.  I cough, breaking the eye contact, “That’s a great song, Luke… You can have it if you want,” I offer with a smile to try and hide the blush from heating up my cheeks.  “No, Y/N, I couldn’t. That’s yours. Those are your words. Your words made this a great song.”  “They’re just words without a melody,” I mutter, folding the edges of the paper nervously.  “A song is quite boring without words though, isn’t it?”  For some reason, I’m starting to think all of this could be a metaphor for us. Him being the melody and me being the words. I would be a plain and simple poem without him, and his life -- though I doubt it -- would be boring without me.  “It would still be a song though,” I add, looking up at him again. One corner of his mouth curls up into a smirk, which makes me think he caught onto that metaphor I was thinking about. He suddenly grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. Before I can even register what’s happening, the front door suddenly opens, revealing a distraught-looking Ava. I let go of Luke’s hand and get up to help my best friend.  “What’s wrong?” I ask her as she stumbles inside. I grab her just in time before she can hurt herself. She looks up at me, her makeup run out all the way to her chin and blood trickling down her nose, though I’m not sure if it’s real blood or part of her cat costume.  “I punched Brent in the face and Charlotte punched me back,” she get out through sobs and hiccups. My eyes dart over to Luke, who’s watching this from the sofa. I almost forgot she can’t even see him. He offers me a small smile.  “Why?” I ask and guide her to the couch. She nearly sits down on top of Luke, but I’m quick enough to guide her next to him while he vanishes. He pops back behind the couch, looking down at the drunk girl lying down on the sofa.  “Because he was boasting about how he even managed to wrap the prude around his finger two years ago and got her to anything he wanted,” I swallow, remember those times people called me a prude because I covered up unlike girls like Charlotte who wore short skirts and plunging necklines. “I really don’t get what you saw in him, Y/N,” she mumbles while cuddling up to the pillow and letting her eyes flutter shut. “I hope you find someone that looks at you like I look at pizza.” I giggle at her drunken words before looking up at Luke to find him already looking at me. Kind of the same way Ava looks at pizza. A smile then finds its way to my face. Maybe Halloween isn’t as bad as I always thought it was. 

Taglist: @hannahhistorian92 @marinettepotterandplagg @thequirkybookaholic @bookdealer5 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @hemmingsness @iainttakingshitfromnobody @ifilwtmfc @angryknightstatesmantrash @kiss-themoongoodbye @rudysbay @thedarkqueenofavalon @caitsymichelle13 @calamitykaty @parkeret @lukeys-giggle @gingerxarmy @lovesanimals @lolychu @perfectlywrongformend3s @luckylouiebug @camiladelrio98 @myfriendscallmebeans

[kae-karo]

fic writer interview!

i saw @prince-liest do this and thus i will take ur 'tagging anyone who wants to do this' seriously lmaoooo (also hi btw hope ur well!!! 💜💜)

How many works do you have on AO3?

ahaha,,,,,159 lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

fdsjkkjlsfdklj as of today, 2,089,769

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

only three fsdjkldslfkj the phandom (dan&phil), bnha, and genshin!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

chosen (x) - zhongchi (genshin)

to love (and be loved in return) (x) - kaeluc (genshin)

little bird (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

feet don't touch the ground (x) - xiaoven (genshin)

i knew you were fire (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

honestly none of that surprises me except that little bird is still up there, although i think i owe that to sif (@the-final-sif) for sharing it around the time it got posted since it was partly inspired by her raptor stress grip post!!

the rest are all chaptered fics, which is mostly what i expected to be in the top 5 lmao

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

yes!!! always!!!! no matter what u comment, i will respond!!! and if i don't, it's probably cause ao3 didn't notify me properly or i didn't see it in my inbox or something

as for why, it's mostly to do with like...i know how hard it can be for some people to comment, even just a bunch of heart emojis or a 'i loved this!' or something short and simple? and it means a lot to me that ppl are going out of their way to say something nice, no matter how small, and it's really really important to me to acknowledge that

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

hmm,,,,,this is a hard one, cause for a very long time, my policy was that my fic would always have a happy ending? and for a long time, that was true!! but the dabihawks interaction (during the raid) broke me, and from an emotional standpoint, i think freeing icarus (x) is probably the one that has the angstiest ending of the two or so that i wrote in that time?

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

u know i really haven't written any crossovers? it's normally not my thing cause my brain typically focuses on a single thing and doesn't really have the capacity to think about more than that, so i end up writing just au-style or fusion-style (shoutout to that one bnha but it was scooby doo fic i wrote - x)

i don't think i'd be opposed to writing a crossover but i'd have to be SUPER inspired by the idea and both fandoms lmao

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha yes, i have. the only straight up hate i've received was on a kaeluc fic (surprisingly not because it was kaeluc, but bc i was 'mistreating' kaeya in the fic) - to be entirely fair, the commenter pointed out something that i hadn't realized myself, and it led to a second piece of the story that helped me tie up some loose ends, but...let's just say they weren't very kind about their feelings lmao

other than that, i had someone very upset because i didn't tag which character was bottoming in a fic (valid if that bugs u!) and they read through most of it before getting to the smut (and said that they enjoyed everything up to that point) then said they were 'disgusted' by it. i have opinions on that and a few other comments they made, but i will keep them to myself lmao

and beyond that, just a few ppl on my xiaoven fic saying that they were unhappy about the background kaeluc (which is tagged lmao) - really no hate whatsoever til genshin, honestly, which is...very hmmmm :) lmao

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yep!!! mostly vanilla or vanilla-adjacent lmao i'm not super into heavy kink, although i know if epi reads this she's gonna call me out for being a monsterfucker bc of my dragon!zhongli smut :) lmaoooo but really i tend to write pretty vanilla smut! i also prefer to avoid any noncon/dubcon or hate sex or anything particularly angsty, just not my jam to write!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

hmm i don't think so? although i don't heavily monitor ao3 (or wattpad/ffn), so i can't really say that for sure lmao

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!!! i've had a few fics translated to russian (little bird is one of them!) which is very sweet and i hope that anyone who prefers to read in russian has been enjoying those fics!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

alksdfjklsdf only once, and it's deadass how me and rose got together. we decided to co-write a podcast au fic for the phandom (x) and ended up flirting via google docs asldkfjkldsfj

What’s your all time favourite ship?

what a horrible question, making me choose between my children like this!!!! sdlfkjdskf tbh i'm not sure i have a real answer bc it changes as i go? and 'favorite' is so vague,,,,,favorite to read? to write about? to think about? asdklfjkjsdfk i really don't know if i have an answer, but i'll maybe say kaeluc for now lmao

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

well first and foremost, with only 2 exceptions, i never post a fic unless it's done. i tend to follow wherever my passion leads my brain, so i'm notorious for jumping around between stories and taking breaks from long fic and returning later on to finish them, and i know that i would not do well under the pressure of posting something unfinished and trying to finish it in a timely manner

that said, many wips sit in my google doc folder, but one is Well Known as the one that has followed me through both the phandom and bnha (rose keeps asking who i'm gonna switch the chars to in genshin, but i think it suits bakudeku too well to do that) - only the lonely survive. it sits at like 36k in my wip folder, and i adore the story dearly and i want very much to finish it, but it never makes it quite to the forefront of my motivation, and so it rarely if ever gets worked on...i hate the idea of 'never' finishing it, but it's unfortunately quite likely that i won't 😭😭😭

What are your writing strengths?

emotion!!! and immersion!!! it's my goal in a fic to make it as immersive as possible and saturated with emotion to help convey that feeling of being in the place of the pov character, and i think i do it pretty well. also just bc i feel a little obligated to say it - another strength is actually sitting down and putting words down. i know that's a struggle for a lot of writers and i often get,,,,lovingly bullied? i guess? lmao for being able to bash out a few k in a day most days

What are your writing weaknesses?

this isn't so much a weakness i guess but i am basically incapable of treating crack fic as crack. if i have a cracky idea, it will, without a doubt, end up turning into a Perfectly Serious fic somehow (notable 'crack treated so seriously that it's no longer crack' fics include: todoroki doing the freeze-the-ocean thing from frozen 2, 'shmigaraki', todo and denki get together bc of vine references, the league sells feet pics, shiggy and natsu own a nightclub/bakery, scooby doo but make it bnha, and dabi getting his ears pierced at claire's)

but in all seriousness, i think my main weakness is that i often get comfortable? and i'm not one to typically push myself forcefully out of my comfort zone when it comes to stories that i come up with on my own, which often means that ideas inspired by discussions with others are what prompt me to branch out and try new things?

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think, like anything, it has its place? there are certainly stories where it makes sense to do that and even adds depth to a story, although i personally am not exceptionally comfortable enough with other languages (except maybe asl) to do that in fic myself without the assistance of someone very comfortable with that language lmao

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the phandom! not really my jam to write rpf anymore but it definitely got me started and i'm really grateful for my time writing there, as everyone was super supportive and kind, and it was really a perfect place for a beginner to get comfortable and practice

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

again, forcing me to choose between my children...i really don't know that i can pick one fic bc they all exist in such wildly different spaces? i poured my worldbuilding soul into the king of disaster series (mainly dabihawks - x), exile (dan and phil - x) was my first massively long fic, our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone (chayea - x) is probably my favorite character/character dynamic study, i'm exceptionally proud of the smut in chosen (zhongchi - x), the list goes on and on and on lmao like. i could probably list half my fics as favorites in some regard dsflkjdfsjkl

anyway, tyty bellamy for putting this on my dash so i could do it as well!!

tagging: literally anyone who wants to do this, i have so many writer friends slkdjfjklsdf but please please tag me if u do it so i can read urs!!! 💜💜💜

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

[tomione thing] Thanks for the recs! I actually was looking forward to the rant, I like how you break things apart so they make sense in a very unique way.( I don't have any strong feelings to the pairing if that was your concern, I just think the stories about them have the potential to be fantastic because I enjoy intelligent characters going through life and solving problems and, usually, in fanfiction there's focus on only one smart character.

So, you people are just poking me with sticks to see what ridiculous opinions spew out then. I’m onto your game.

With that said, let’s get to answering then, and know that you bring this upon yourself.

I loathe Tomione. I put up with it, sometimes, because I will read almost any fic featuring Tom Riddle as a main character. (Want the Carnivorous Muffin to read your fic? Tom Riddle as a main character. Even if I disagree with 110% of your premise I will probably still read your story.)

However, it’s extremely telling that my recs the other day were hilariously small, and one was actually Hermione/Loki. The Tomione exists, I just hate it.

This is for two main reasons. First, I just don’t believe the ship would ever work under any circumstances and the pair are naturally doomed to loathe one another. Second, fanfiction has a collection of tropes associated with Tomione that are in unbearable (likely caused unconsciously by the first, Tomione doesn’t really work, so we do terrible things to make it work). 

Tomione Doesn’t Work: Change My Mind

So, remember we’re living in Muffin-land for this. I’ve explained some of my headcanons regarding these characters, and I’ll offer brief explanation for why I think what I do here, but I’m not going to expand on it too much.

Tomione has appeal under the premise that either you or someone else previously mentioned: they’re both so smart, of course they belong together.

The trouble, Hermione’s not nearly as smart as she thinks she is. What we see of Hermione’s cleverness boils down to having a very good work ethic and reading a lot of books. She tends to outsmart Ron and Harry because she actually puts in the work to do her homework and, my god, read her text books. Also, as I’ve covered before, Harry’s an idiot, so that’s a low bar.

Because Hogwarts can be passed by the likes of Crabbe and Goyle, and the curriculum seems to boil down to “pronounce this fake Latin correctly, ooh look, a spell”, actually reading her books not only gets Hermione by but skyrockets her ahead of her peers. Who, apparently, have no ear at all and don’t understand the swishy motions are important and probably never bothered to read their books.

This isn’t to say she’s stupid, she’s by far one of the more intelligent characters in the series, but it says a lot of not so good things about Hogwarts that Hermione is the “brightest witch of her generation”. In my mind she has never compared to characters like Tom Riddle, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, or Albus Dumbledore.

Hermione never questions how magic exists, why wands work, or why pronunciation is so weirdly important and why we’re using spells that are gibberish Latin instead of English or simply Latin. She never takes that step outside the box I would expect a truly intelligent person to take.

An example, Hermione completely throws out the entire discipline of divination. This is part because she believes it’s stupid, but she also only spends about two seconds thinking about it, and she doesn’t appear to be any good at it. If Hermione’s not good at it then it must be a stupid subject for stupid people.

Now, that alone doesn’t doom her, but it does put a huge chink in the major appeal of Tomione: they’re both just so brilliant that they’d be great together.

What dooms them is that Hermione both a) thinks she is as brilliant as all these other people and b) has this pervasive need to be the smartest person in any room she walks into. Hermione comes across Tom Riddle in the past or just chills with Voldemort in the future, she will inevitably try to show him up. This isn’t just to assure us that good is better than evil, but because she can’t help herself, because being the smartest is how she defines herself.

As a result, especially if we’re in the time travel/school setting, she would inevitably get in competition with him to prove she’s so much better/smarter than he is. It would undoubtedly be on her terms, probably revolving around school work, and she’d throw a fit when Tom wins because he understands the value in being concise where Hermione would quite easily write a hundred page Potions’ essay (that had a five page limit) with the subtext “PRAISE ME” written on every page.

I can’t imagine Tom Riddle would find this anything but completely obnoxious and a waste of his time.

Now, part of this goes into headcanon land, but I have always imagined, 100%, that Tom Riddle in Hogwarts was treated like a muggleborn, that he didn’t find out his ancestry until at least part of the way through, and he never confessed to being the Heir of Slytherin. I can back this up, but that’s another story for another day, I’ll just say that no matter what Dumbledore says any other backdrop makes no damn sense.

So, Tom has clawed the respect of his peers into reality with bleeding hands, he came from nothing in a way that even the ‘good’ purebloods wouldn’t have sympathy for. Even the muggleborns I imagine thought they were better than him. Tom is an impoverished orphan, so poor he has to stay at Hogwarts over the holidays, he was not having a fun time at school.

Tom has ambitions, is mired in hatred, and is not really all that wrapped up in Hogwarts except to get him where he wants to go.

Now, imagine Hermione suddenly shows up in front of this Tom. Suddenly he’s being challenged to essay competitions, she probably leaves cryptic remarks all the time about how evil he is and how amazing she is because she’s not evil and smarter than he is, and if he thinks he’s smarter than her then he better find time to prove it.

It’s like talking to a Dumbledore he can never escape from.

Tom doesn’t have time for this bullshit.

Tomione not only insists that he does but that he lives for this bullshit. Forget Voldemort, Hermione making weird comments about how Tom has a mutilated soul, or that Dumbledore is so much cooler than he is, is where it’s at. 

As for Hermione, ultimately, I don’t think she’d ever really be attracted to Tom Riddle because he’s too much competition. The guys we’ve seen Hermione with are all safely much dumber than she is, Hermione likes being in relationships with men she feels in some way better than. Tom Riddle is not that guy. 

Add on top of this that Hermione’s righteousness would never allow her to even think about dating someone like Tom and we get her, at best, trying for the sake of destroying him (if she seduces Tom then she destroys Voldemort!) but ultimately failing.

Because the thing is, circling back to where we started, there are different kinds of intelligence, different levels of intelligence, and intelligence alone isn’t a reason to get along. Smart people might gravitate towards smart people, but they still have to have compatible personalities. Reading books isn’t magical glue that can bind people together.

No matter what way I look at it, Hermione and Tom would absolutely loathe one another in every capacity. 

Hermione ends up back in time accidentally and goes to Tom with Hogwarts: utter loathing.

Hermione ends up back in time on purpose and tries to save Tom’s troubled soul or else murder the shit out of him: utter loathing with an extra dash of “what the fuck?!” on Tom’s end.

Hermione ends up back in time after Hogwarts when Tom’s a store clerk: utter loathing (Hermione walks into Tom’s shop to tell him how cool and interesting she is to enter into the typical Tomione mind games, all Tom wants is commission.)

Hermione enters into deals with devils with the horcruxes: utter loathing complete with Tom’s triumphant/Nelson laugh when he inevitably betrays her to get his own body.

A young Tom Riddle somehow winds up in the future and is forced to attend Hogwarts because Dumbledore does what he wants: utter loathing (Tom has to sit there and enjoy Harry and especially Hermione telling him how evil he is and how Hermione’s so much smarter than him because she’s muggleborn and reads books.)

Lord Voldemort takes Hermione hostage during the horcrux hunt: utter loathing (though this would be sadly less irritating to Tom than the others, I imagine, if only because Hermione would probably be more terrified and less righteous. But she’d hate him with the fire of a thousand suns and inevitably pull a horrific revenge scheme on either him or his Death Eaters. No one crosses Hermione. No one.)

You name it, I think it’s going to end with the pair hurling chairs at each other and just being completely and utterly uninterested in every capacity. 

Now, onto how Tomione is typically written, which just makes it so much worse.

Tomione Fics Breed Awful: Change My Mind

Tomione, to me, is born from a few things. It’s born from the author’s desire to have an intelligent, female, borderline SI lead and to shove her together with another edgy smart person with some degree of a bad boy persona.

In this way Tomione fics are very similar to Snape/Hermione fics, are similar to Lokane from Thor/Avengers, are similar to Zutara back in the earlier seasons of Avatar the Last Airbender, etc. 

As a result the fics almost invariably spiral into: “Hermione is so smart, she’s so much smarter than everyone else, she impresses Tom because she is so smart. Tom is so smart but so evil, he sexy growls at her, and confesses how much he hates love every other chapter.” 

Only, as I noted above, while there are many interpretations of Tom’s character (and mine certainly doesn’t agree with the vast majority) I can’t help but think every single version would hate her.

To make him not hate her the author will often turn him into one of two Tom Riddles: Emotionally Deficient Robot Tom or Growling Sexy Sociopath Tom. Emotionally Deficient Robot Tom will often have paragraph long tangents to remind us he doesn’t compute your human emotions, “Beep boop” but despite this Hermione’s out of control hair makes him feel urges “bloop bloop”. Growling sexy sociopath Tom usually goes on a rant about how love is beneath him, backs Hermione into broom closets, and growls as he sexily makes out with her in a non-romantic manner because “ew love”. 

In other words, Tom is made an unbelievably flat character. He becomes a base archetype of sexy villain character. He never really gets redeemed, even if the story insists he does, he usually doesn’t have a reason for the way he is (”um, love potions!” the author often cries), and he and Hermione always think they’re much more important than they are.

The story rarely, if ever, goes anywhere because the entire point of the story is mind games between two sixteen-year-olds who think they’re smarter than everyone else. So we get a lot of chapters of Hermione and Tom running around, being very clever to each other, but doing nothing.

Sometimes authors do deviate from this, we will have an actual plot where we’re not just in Hogwarts again or it’s not just centering on ridiculous mind games. However, even then, Tom is usually is some variant of a very flat cartoon villain while Hermione is... Well, one would think the way she’s described that she’s the smartest, best, most beautiful, most brilliant thing to ever grace this earth.

TL;DR

Tomione is not my jam.

[cheri-translates]

In Third Person (a translated one-shot)

This one-shot was originally written by 礼里图 on Weibo, who has given me permission to translate it!

“Love possesses not, nor will it be possessed. For love is sufficient unto love.”

[ 1 ]

It had taken great pains to be transferred to the Special Task Force. Your father, with glittering medallions on his chest, was vehemently against you throwing yourself into such a dangerous den. He only authorised the transfer after you threw a fit for several days.

He thought that your stubbornness stemmed from a youthful vigour, and an unwillingness to simply idle away under his protection. But you weren’t that ambitious. While leading an idle life was your ultimate goal, settling down was your life’s ideal.

Well, if it wasn’t for that person.

-

The person waiting for your arrival is Eli. After reading out the word on his name tag, he shoots you a smile, revealing a set of straight teeth as he exudes an aura of gentility. “Nice to meet you, MC. I’m Eli. Follow me. Captain Gavin is waiting for you.”

You thank him, maintaining an external appearance of calm. Trailing behind him, you murmur in your heart: What kind of a paradise is Loveland City? Why are there so many dashing men?

The Special Task Force isn’t large, and you are soon brought to your destination. Eli opens the door for you, and you see the back of someone standing tall and straight near the window. He turns around at the sound of the door opening, wearing a polite smile on his face.

The afternoon sun encases him. Against the light, you are unable to tell for a moment which one is of a lighter colour - his hair or his eyes.

He gives you a mild smile. “Hello.”

Dizziness consumes you, and it’s as though cotton is lodged in your throat. There are so many things you want to say, but you have no idea where to begin.

He doesn’t remember you. You know that.

“MC.. MC, wake up! Don’t go to sleep! The support team is on its way. Wake up!”

The gunshot wound on your lower abdomen is oozing with blood. You seem to be in someone’s arms. Fading in and out of consciousness, you hear someone calling your name in an unpractised manner. You want to respond, but blood rises up your throat the moment you breathe, leaving him to call out on his own.

In this lifetime, no one has ever called your name so many times before. When the helicopter makes its way to the scene, his relieved and slightly trembling voice propels you to struggle in opening your eyes. But all you see is his defined chin and his name tag coated in blood.

“Gavin?”

“Mm?” The man looks at you, slightly confused.

“Oh, mm... hello.” The profile in your memory and the person in front of you separate from each other. You react with a start, responding incoherently.

Fortunately, the other party doesn’t seem to mind your odd behaviour. He offers you his hand in a polite and business-like manner. “I’m Gavin. We welcome you as a member of the Special Task Force.”

“It’s an honour.”

He shakes your hand. His palm is dry and warm - different from the cold attitude he displays.

“Your Evol is stagnation? You can avoid any physical attacks, and within a set distance, you can indiscriminately freeze your opponent’s Evol.”

You hear a sharp intake of breath coming from Eli behind you. Suppressing the sense of pride in your heart, you look at the wad of documents in his hand, and nod.

“It’s a very unique and powerful Evol.” He places the documents on the table. When his eyes flit to yours this time, you can see that the amicableness in them is more genuine. “We welcome you.”

-

[ 2 ]

You came here because of Gavin.

During a special police training drill three years ago, the both of you were allocated to be in the same group. At that time, you were arrogant and condescending, looking down on everyone else. During the self-introduction, you didn’t even bother listening to what his name was. Back then, you were certain that given your abilities, you’d be able to get through this drill alone, even though historical data showed that 90% of the special police failed at this stage.

Your confidence wasn’t grounded in nothing. When it came to practice drills, every Evolver was important. So, there typically wouldn’t be any risky weapons like gunpowder. And you were certain that you could get rid of every Evolver within your range.

It couldn’t be helped. In this line of work, talent triumphed over everything else.

But things were unusual during that practice drill. You never expected that people from Black Swan would infiltrate the drill. He didn’t intend to expose himself, but you had once read about his Evol. 

Young and overly confident, you wanted to stand out, so you pointed him out immediately. Panicking, he chose to fire a gun. Although Gavin had tried his best to control the wind to alter the bullet’s trajectory, he was too far away, and time was too tight. In the end, you received a bullet to your lower abdomen.

That was the first time you had such a close shave with death. Many nights after that, it was only after recalling the warmth of Gavin’s palm on your wound, and that phrase “wake up”, that you could flee from nightmares.

You had to find him.

-

[ 3 ]

The life of a civil servant is a boring one.

“Are there any Grade A or Grade S missions today?”

“Nope.”

After asking Eli the same set of daily questions, you sit in the relatively comfortable office.

Special Task Force missions are split into six levels of difficulty - S, A, B, C, D, E. Grade S and A missions are typically led by Gavin, while Grade B and C missions are led by Eli.

Although your Evol is powerful, you’ve only been sent out on trivial missions during your past month in STF. Perhaps it was at your father’s behest, or because you were a newbie. You’ve always been led by Eli, and don’t get to see Gavin much. The first time Gavin saw you lifting up and Evolver with ease, he subconsciously scratched his nose and said: “Truly an overkill.”

You also found that it an overkill. Which is why you’ve been trying to get yourself roped into more difficult missions.

Each time, Eli would give you a look which said that you were being too thick-skinned. “Miss, it’s a peaceful and legal era we live in. We don’t get that many major cases. Also...”

“Also what?”

“Also, it’s not time for you to be deployed.” Eli points at your name tag, then at his own. “You’re blue. I’m green. When you’re green, I’ll help you make an application.”

“Get lost. You’re the one who’s green! You’ll be green soon!”

[Trivia] In Chinese,  being “green” means that you’re being cheated on.

“Why are you so agitated?” Eli leans closer. “Why are you so sensitive? Do you have a boyfriend?”

Who says boys aren’t interested in gossip? You roll your eyes at him. “Not for now.”

“That means you do have someone you fancy!” Eli nods contemplatively, a knowing look on his face.

You should have someone you like.

At least, if you don’t have a mistaken definition of what "like” is.

-

[ 4 ]

It’s a fact that the swivelling chairs in the office are not suitable for working. After using the chair for nearly a month, you get a stiff neck one day when you get up too quickly.

While laughing at your posture, Eli points you towards the infirmary downstairs, and tells you that there’s a kind-looking elderly physician who is experienced in Dit Da.

When you push open the door, you don’t see the physician. instead, you see Gavin, who you haven’t crossed paths with in a long while.

His face is deathly pale as he huddles on one of the sick beds. He looks incredible drained, and is currently asleep. The back of his hand is hooked onto an IV, and the top half of his body is exposed, bandages wrapped around his torso. His back is covered with pinkish bruises and brown scars, both old and new.

The door suddenly opens from behind, bringing with it a gust of fresh air. 

“Who are you?”

You adjust your breathing quietly, suppressing the urge to retch. You turn around to see an elderly man in his fifties walking in. He should be the physician Eli mentioned earlier.

“Hey! Why is this man asleep?” Before you can respond, the physician walks over, adjusting the flow of the IV, then tugging the blanket upwards slightly.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Gavin?” The doctor looks you up and down, his gaze settling on your name tag. “STF Member C-24. Are you this fellow’s subordinate?”

“Mm.” You nod, and repeat your question. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Small issue.” The physician holds up the medical record book at the side, pages rustling as he flips through it. “When does this fellow not bring back a body full of injuries after returning from a mission? Do you see that scar on his collarbone?” He gestures at his own collarbone. “If it were three centimetres deeper, it'd have reached his aorta. Even the gods wouldn’t be able to save him.”

Without waiting for you to express your opinion, the physician continues.

“Why are you young people working so hard? You’re already doing such dangerous work, yet you don’t cherish your bodies. Heading out on missions every day and night. Will the Special Task Force cease to operate without Gavin? He’s still in his twenties, yet he’s so tired that he needs to have an IV... ah, did I wake you up?”

You peer at the bed to find that Gavin has indeed been roused from his sleep. His eye bags display layers of fatigue. In a hoarse voice, he asks, “Why are you here?”

“My... my neck is stiff, so I’m here to have the physician do Dit Da for me.”

“...”

The room lapses into silence. Even without lifting your head, you can sense the physician left aghast at the different severity of injuries between the both of you.

“All right.” The doctor sets down the file in his hand, then walks over to you, placing his hands on your neck. “This is simple. Just twist... and done. Hey, why are you crying?” 

The doctor points at your face, stunned. At a loss, he looks at Gavin, as though trying to prove that your tears have nothing to do with him.

You touch your face, and only then discover that your face is damp. Astonished by this involuntary reaction, you use the back of your hands to wipe the wet stains off. But the floodgates have opened, and you just can’t seem to wipe your face clean. In the end, you decide to lower your face, burying it in your palms. 

The tightening sensation in your heart grips you in waves. You have no idea where this sorrow stems from. Or maybe you do. Maybe you have known since a long time ago. 

But you don’t dare to admit it, and especially not in front of this person - that your uncontrollably trembling shoulders have left you feeling ashamed. In countless nights after this, you’ll definitely toss and turn in bed, regretting this moment.

You don’t want him to be curious about why you’re crying. You’re afraid that his curiosity would lead to him uncovering a secret you wish to tell him, but have no idea how to broach.

“Eh... Miss, why are you crying? Did I hurt you earlier?” The doctor sees that you’re crying even harder now, and starts scrambling around for tissues. “I don’t remember exerting that much strength. Ahh, stop crying! I’ll give you some safflower oil?”

“I’m fine...” You summon your entire body’s worth of strength to bring your sobbing to a halt. Doing your best to control your sniffling, your eyes are hazy as you look at Gavin. You ask hoarsely, “Next time, could I go on missions with you?”

Gavin’s gaze lingers on your face for a very long time - until your sniffling gradually disappears. Only then does he ask simply, “The reason?”

“I’m very incredible. I’m really very incredible.” 

Seeing his calm, unmoved expression, I hurriedly rack my brains, and elaborate. “My Evol allows me to control any Evolvers within range, I have a keen perception, and even attained the first place in school.” His expression remains unchanged, and you end with a conclusion, hoping to salvage the situation. “Trust me, Captain Gavin. With me around, you... and the other colleagues from STF will no longer get injured.”

After this speech, it occurs to you that you might have been overly straightforward. You decide to add, “STF lacks an Evolver with spirit. I feel duty bound to answer this call, and step forward bravely.”

The more you speak, the more you feel like you’re building a weak case for yourself, and all you want to do is bury your head into the ground.

As expected, Gavin doesn’t appear to be impressed, and doesn’t even bother altering his expression. In the harsh environment of STF which requires one to numb oneself to life and death, not many people are willing to choose such a path.

But people like you who harbour talent and the mentality of a new soldier wanting to save the world are more common. After all, battlefields always require people who are willing to die in the name of their convictions. They might not be strong, but they are loyal. When it comes to honouring their duty, they are mighty.

He has likely seen too many people similar to you. People who volunteer their services in the heat of passion. With an official tone, he gives you his response. “The STF has its regulations. If you pass the probation period, you’ll naturally have the chance to go on missions with everyone.”

“Also,” he adds. “Reality is much more cruel than what you imagine. Instead of crying over someone else’s wounds, why not think about how to make yourself even stronger - this way, you won’t let yourself or other people get hurt.”

With this, he shuts his eyes, resuming his rest.

He had stapled a non-romantic definition to the reason for your tears. And you have no way of telling him that they were not simply products of a young woman’s fragile emotions.

Crying is a meaningless act, but what else can you do? 

Poverty, coughing, and romantic affection are unable to be controlled.

And you tears are unable to be controlled either.

-

[ 5 ]

Unable to get past the 887th stage of the mobile game, you’re in the midst of strategising your next move when Eli tosses a green ID card onto your office desk. It lands with a “thump”.

You lift your head, looking at Eli as he sits at the desk opposite yours. He throws you a can of beer, and a: “You’re amazing!”

Catching the can, you use a coin to crack it open. The mildly bitter taste flows down your throat, and it’s so cold that you shiver. Even though you already tried suppressing the happiness in your heart, a smile still creeps onto your face. 

“So-so.”

“There’s no need to be so humble!” Eli cracks open his own can of beer. His tone is direct. “I’ve been here for so long, but it’s the first time I met the Director. And it’s all because I assisted a little employee with a transfer. I’m truly basking in your glory.”

You take small sips of the beer, saying the phrase that you once used countless times, and garnered much envy and hate from. “You’ll get used to it.”

Eli bursts into laughter. Before you can roll your eyes at him, he suddenly asks, “Do you like Gavin?”

He’s referring to Gavin. Not Captain Gavin.

You resist the urge to spit out the beer in your mouth. While swallowing it carefully, you crunch the empty can underneath your feet, then toss it into the dustbin situated three metres away. Although it flies in the air in a beautiful arc, it regretfully lands beside the bin.

Eli picks up the crushed can, throwing it into the bin. Then, he holds up his unfinished drink towards you.

“Don’t get so agitated. I was just wondering why someone like you - with such a good family background and powerful abilities - would join a dangerous place offering you such harsh conditions. So I read through your file, and found that you, Gavin, and I were from the same police academy. No wonder you acted a little odd when you met him the first time.. Right from the start, you joined because of him. Right, MC? Or should I call you... Junior?”

You smile, neither admitting nor denying it. Instead, you counter with a question. “Does Gavin know that you’re this gossipy behind his back?”

Throwing his now-empty can into the bin, he straightens his clothes and responds. “Don’t worry. He doesn’t know it yet. It’s a good thing we’re considered friends. So I’d know if he brings you up.” He pauses, then continues. “You should stop caring about Gavin.”

“Why?”

Eli walks over, giving you a pat on the head. “It’s a long story, and I can’t explain it succinctly. In short, if you can forget about him, forget him. If you can’t forget about him, run away quickly. This is the prime of your youth, so there’s no need to waste it on the STF, and there’s no need to waste it on Gavin. Also, we have a Grade S mission tonight, and you’ll be following Gav... Captain Gavin. Make sure you’re prepared.”

Whenever people fall into the river of love, people often say that you shouldn’t waste your youth on one person, as though youth is something amazing. 

But when you think about it, you find that the thing you most cherish in youth, and the thing worth returning to over and over again, is the time you devoted your entire heart to wasting.

-

[ 6 ]

It’s been two months since you last saw Gavin.

In the break room just before the mission commences, you see him decked out in full military gear. He looks so handsome that his picture could be used as promotional material for the National University of Defense Technology.

Expressionless, he scans the team. Finally, his eyes land on you. Furrowing his brows, he asks, “Why aren’t you wearing a bulletproof vest?”

You stare at the new vest at the side, giving him a shrug. “I don’t need it. The enemy can't hurt me.”

Also, you’re worried that the bulletproof vest would be too bulky for your somewhat petite frame.

“Put it on.”

He speaks in a tone which leaves absolutely no room for discussion, and he exudes a rare, imposing manner of a high-ranking official.

Quietly, you pick up the vest and wear it.

Likely sensing that his tone was overly harsh earlier, he steps closer a little unnaturally to explain. “In every mission, there are many uncertain factors. Being overly confident is being irresponsible to yourself.” Saying this, he seems to realise that you aren’t the type of person who would be responsible for yourself. So he adds, “Think about the people who care about you.”

The reason suffices to convince you, although it would have worked better if he had said: “Think about the people you care about”.

-

When you disembark from the vehicle and see a huge, disorderly mass of civilians and Evolvers rushing over, you get goosebumps. 

Evolvers and ordinary citizens have never had a difference in actual strength. The difference lay in talent. Although you were especially terrifying to Evolvers, you couldn’t do much about normal citizens.

On this evening, five of you have been deployed to the scene, and can be considered to be the elites. It shouldn’t be a problem dealing with ten or fifteen Evolvers.

But when you see the vast group of people before you, you can’t help but feel anxious.

“We’ll buy time while waiting for assistance.” Gavin commands in a soft voice, frowning. “I’ve already contacted the armed police. We just need to handle the Evolvers. The civilians will be left to the police.”

Eli and the others nod. Using the car as the base, they form an inverted triangle with you in the middle. This formation takes into account how your Evol provides the strongest assistance. To an Evolver, losing his abilities is akin to being a sheep out of its enclosure.

But your Evol has its weaknesses. And its greatest weakness is you.

You feel dizzy at the sight of blood.

It’s likely a shortcoming resulting from the time you were shot in the abdomen and felt warm blood gushing out of your wound. Since then, whenever you see a patch of crimson or smell the scent of blood, you’d feel dizzy and experience heart palpitations.

Which mission wouldn’t involve blood?

You force yourself to concentrate on the swarming flood of enemies as they rush forward, so that you can use your abilities at the earliest possible instance.

Gavin is standing on your left. It’s obvious that he is on the alert. The veins on his arms are evident, and the surrounding wind rustles from his Evol.

The battle is about to begin.

The other side has also come prepared. Knowing about the existence of someone harbouring the “stagnation” ability, they plan to adopt a human wave attack. But Gavin’s wall of wind prevents them from taking a step closer. Naturally, most of the firepower is targeted towards him, preparing to break your team’s small but sturdy formation by taking him down first. 

You know that Gavin has always been good at fighting, even though many claimed that he rose to his position at such a young age because of his father. But how could the glory of one’s family bless one from escaping death time and time again?

However, even the most fearsome lion isn’t impervious to the bite of a stray dog. He’s gradually unable to hold off the firepower. A small tear appears in the wall of wind. And this is the chance the other side has been waiting for. Without a hint of hesitation, someone takes aim and shoots at the hole. It’s too late for the team to react, and they can only watch as the bullet whizzes towards Gavin.

You lunge forward without a thought. 

Perhaps you were always waiting for this moment, ever since you saw him wounded in the infirmary.

You’re not brave.

But you like him.

And it’s precisely because you like him that you’re brave enough to move forward.

The collision of the back of your head with the solid car results in an earth-shattering noise. The sudden sharp pain makes you blank out for a few seconds, and you hear someone calling your name loudly before you sink into a boundless darkness. 

-

[ 7 ]

When you regain consciousness, you’re in the hospital. Eli is sitting at the edge of the bed, paring an apple.

Noticing your gaze, he responds before you can even open your mouth. “I know what you’re going to ask. Gavin was here earlier, but left after the doctor said you were fine. There are still many things he has to deal with.”

You nod, eyes drifting to the drip tube attached to your hand.

“You’re okay, just a mild concussion. It’s a good thing you had the bulletproof vest on, or you’d be in the ICU right now.” He hands you a poorly pared apple. “Was it worth it?”

Goosebumps appear on your skin at his words, which sound as though they were extracted from a soap opera script.

You take a huge bite of the apple, the sour yet sweet juices filling your mouth. “Don’t ask me whether it was worth it. Ask if I’m happy or not.”

Not waiting for Eli to respond, you continue. “I’m happy. I was able to do something for him. I did it gladly.”

Eil’s hand trembles slightly, then he pats the top of your head gently. “You’re truly a fool...”

-

Later, Gavin pays you a visit. You’ve just woken up from a sweet dream, and the sky is already darkening. He’s standing at the window in a daze. Although you wish to stare at him for a while longer, he’s too sharp, and quickly realises that you’re awake.

“Feeling better?” He turns around and asks.

You nod.

He draws the curtains, letting the remnants of sunlight stream in. Then, he picks the sofa farthest away from the bed, and sits down. You know what he’s going to talk about.

“I hope this wouldn’t happen again.”

It’s exactly what you expected. You shut your eyes. In a hoarse voice, you defend yourself. “You don’t need to care about it.”

After all, you did it willingly.

He frowns and glances at you, as though he’s trying to find the correct words to say. Finally, he leaves you with a stiff sentence. “You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people.”

You smile, wanting to respond with: “But you aren’t 'other people’”.

After thinking about it for a very long time, you decide that you lack the guts to say it. 

In the end, you respond with what’s expected of you.

“Got it, Captain Gavin.”

-

[ 8 ]

It’s an old STF tradition to gather for a meal after a successful mission. When you see Gavin dealing somewhat awkwardly with the service staff’s overly enthusiastic ‘interrogations’, you feel like chuckling.

The world works in strange ways. Just a week ago, you were at death’s door. But right now, you’re standing here, watching as Gavin struggles between a half-spicy and half-mild hotpot or a mala hotpot.

Truly, the most ordinary things bring the most comfort.

Foodies love talking about their feelings over a meal. Before, you had mostly interacted with Eli. In the span of a single meal, however, you find yourself growing much closer to the team. Gavin is exceptionally quiet at the table. The person whose expression doesn’t change when faced with ferocious enemies, the most difficult circumstances, is currently red in the face and neck from the spiciness of the dishes. Even the tip of his nose is coated in a sheen of sweat.

He looks ravishing. It’s the first time your heart has fluttered so much during a meal. He seems to be ill at ease, and keeps checking his phone.

In the middle of the hotpot, you receive a call from your father. Gripping your phone, you head to the only quiet spot you can find.

After exchanging a few words with your father, you hang up. 

The clamour from outside drifts over, and you rub your slightly swollen temples. Suddenly, you don’t really feel like going back. You’d rather embrace this rare moment of tranquility.

Coincidentally, once this thought flits through your mind, you hear footsteps approaching. You’re standing on one of the higher stairs, which happens to be cloaked in shadows. If one doesn’t pay attention, they wouldn’t be able to spot you.

The owner of the footsteps leaves you frozen in place.

It’s Gavin.

He has removed his jacket, and is only wearing a white t-shirt. The look in his eyes is even deeper than the shadows. Ever since the two of you reunited, this is the first time you get the chance to observe him from such a close distance.

He coughs lightly at the seemingly empty corridor, then takes out his phone, preparing to make a call.

Despite this unexpected turn of events, you have no intention of eavesdropping. However, making an appearance now would just make things awkward.

While you’re still mulling over what would be the best course of action, the line gets through. 

It’s as if someone flipped a switch on him.

For the first time, you see a gentle expression on his face.

“What are you up to?” He says softly, reminiscent of someone afraid of waking another from a dream.

You can’t hear what’s being said on the other end, but you can see his tender gaze and the insuppressible tugging at the corners of his lips.

“Just coming off a mission. I'm tired.”

He leans against a railing next to the stairs, subconsciously loosening his tie. At this moment, all his accumulated fatigue finally pours out in torrents.

He doesn’t say much after this. A faint smile lingers on his face. It seems the person at the other end of the line is planning something, and his smile grows more and more evident as he keeps agreeing with “mm”, “sure”, “anything you say”.

In the end, he glances at his watch, realising that he doesn’t have much time left. Softly, he says, “It’s late. Rest early. Goodnight.”

It’s a beautiful scene - giving someone a call after a busy day of work, talking about weekend plans, sharing each others’ lives, and basking in the joy of having someone concerned about you.

The only regretful thing is that the person on the other end of the line isn't you.

-

[ 9 ]

Only after a long while after Gavin leaves do you drag your numb feet out of your hiding spot. You spot Eli at the end of the corridor, smoking a cigarette. He looks you up and down, as though trying to verify something.

“Are you okay?” He asks hesitantly.

“I’m fine.”

The moment the words leave your lips, you feel your face heat up. Tears spill from your eyes, and you use the back of your hands to wipe at your face.

“It’s just an old habit. I'm like this whenever I get too emotional. Could you give me a cigarette? It’d help me calm down.” You explain, realising that Eli has no idea what happened.

With a conflicted expression, Eli retrieves a cigarette box from his pocket. He picks one cigarette bud and hands it to you. Placing it between your trembling lips, he lights it. It works wonders. The moment you inhale, you feel your entire body immersed in a warm scent. Encased in smoke, you hear Eli speak. “The last time, I mentioned that it was a long story. But if you want to hear it, I can cut it short.”

“I want to hear it.”

“That person is his junior. Gavin has known her for many years, and has liked her for just as many years. All these things you're doing...” He glances at you, then lights a new cigarette. “They don’t mean much to him. You saw the way he looked when he was making the call, right? It’s only for one person in the entire world. Nobody else.”

The tears surge forth once again. While you rush to wipe them away, you berate Eli. “Damn it! Why can’t you be more considerate to how I feel?”

Seeing that you’re crying even more fiercely, he stops his cutting remarks. Instead, he tousles your hair, then rifles through his wallet for a picture of Gavin. “It’s not for sale. I’ll give it to you as a souvenir.”

You take the photograph from him. It’s one that was taken a very long time ago, and its edges are curled. Under the dim lights, you take this old photograph in your hand, and are transported to the time of Gavin’s youth. He’s standing on the roof of the school, his blue and white uniform blowing with the wind. One hand is on the railing, and another is holding on to a paper airplane. With a slight smile, he turns back to look at the camera. Behind him is the azure sky.

Back then, none of these regrets blossomed yet.

“I don’t know if I appeared too early, or too late.”

Eli stares at you, his gaze sympathetic. “Sometimes, it’s not about whether you’re early or late. I’m not sure if you’ll understand if I put it this way - There won’t be another person. There’s only her. Gavin isn’t the sort of person who would like someone because they treat him well. It’s only when he likes someone that he'd accept that person’s kindness.”

“But,” he continues. “Even if the ending remains the same, you can change its course. After all, if you want a wound to heal completely, the best way is to remove the rotten areas. Perhaps what other people say is useless. You could try listening to his answer directly.”

You nod.

Loving someone requires devotion. One will always have to experience all sorts of hardship before it can come to fruition.

-

[ 10 ]

By the time you and Eli return, the meal has almost reached an end. Your colleagues are preparing to head over for karaoke next door. When you are all packed into the lift, you happen to stand behind Gavin. He has his jacket on, and his sleeves are pulled up, revealing a black plaited bracelet on his wrist. No matter how slow-witted you are, you’re able to recognise that it’s part of a couple set advertised by a certain brand a long time ago.

Behind you, a couple of drunk colleagues start causing a ruckus and bumping against your back. In the crowded lift, you shuffle your feet, trying to steady yourself, and trying to maintain a certain distance between the two of you.

Sometimes, you can’t comprehend your strange ego and pride. You’ve seen girls showering the guys they like with gifts, and wearing beautiful dresses to invite them out to movies. But you’ve never thought of imitating them. You’d even secretly celebrate when they get rejected - You were so glad that you were different from them.

But today, you realise that you aren’t that different from them. You aren’t even as candid as they are. 

The lively atmosphere is a stark contrast to your mood. Upon entering the karaoke room, you find a corner and isolate yourself with popcorn. Despite giving out clear signals that you’d rather not be disturbed, the officers pull you over to play ‘Truth or Dare’, calling it a necessary rite of passage for new members.

The rules are simple - when the mouth of the bottle points at you, you have to choose to answer a question truthfully, or do a dare.

You have very good luck, and the bottle continually points at other colleagues, and you get to hear all sorts of gossip, and witness several 'dares’.

After a while, the person responsible for spinning the bottle starts targeting you. When the mouth of the bottle finally points at you, you actually heave a sigh of relief.

It’s better to get this over and done with.

Without any hesitation, you pick ‘dare’. After all, there’s too big of a risk in choosing ‘truth’. A bespectacled colleague reads out your task. 

“Choose one guy in the room, lean in close to his ear, and say the words: ‘I love you’.”

You freeze in place, a million emotions bustling in your heart.

Honestly speaking, you never really believed in coincidences before. You felt that these were just things used to dupe the superstitious. But at this moment, this meaningless game started making you believe that coincidences do exist. 

Perhaps this is what people often call “fate”.

In the midst of the hooting from the audience in response to your task, you deliberately ignore the conflicted expression on Eli’s face. You stand up while your colleagues whip out their phones, ready to snap pictures and videos. They’re all ready to, as usual, capture memories they can look back on fondly each year.

Everyone is exuberant, and nobody notices your apprehension.

Your eyes fall on Gavin, who is seated at a corner. His brows are knitted slightly, expression indifferent. The black earrings on his ears reflect the cold light. When he doesn’t speak, he gives off an aura of not being close to anyone.

You imagine how he must have been like in high school - a bad boy with his hair dyed, riding a motorcycle, causing a ruckus in school, attaining poor grades, and always pretending to be cool by having earplugs in his ears while sitting at the corner of the classroom.

Until this day, a certain impatience can still be felt from this man. It’s very obvious, and can be noted with a single glance.

When your colleagues realise that your target is Gavin, the clamour grows even louder. Choosing a superior as a target of a dare - they must think that you have a playful spirit. You pause before Gavin, and the exaggerated exclamations are about to burst through the roof.

But when you muster the courage to lean in Gavin’s ear to say that phrase “I love you”, the surroundings lapse into silence almost immediately.

Maybe your expression was too serious. Maybe your tone was too sincere. Either way, everyone’s reaction tells you very clearly - you messed it up. The colleagues who were holding up their phones earlier in anticipation are now feeling awkward and not knowing what to do.

All is quiet. 

That is, until Eli breaks the silence. “This round doesn’t count - it’s so boring. Let’s change the target. MC, what about me?”

Gavin purses his lips into a slight smile, patting Eli’s hand which is resting on his shoulder. “Get lost. Don’t use our female colleagues to joke around.”

With this, the tension in the air dissipates. Everyone diverts the topic, and they begin the next round.

In the next few hours, you drink a lot. You puke a lot too, and it feels as though your guts are about to spill out.

Eli is the one who sends you home. He supports you into the car, and you hear Gavin telling him softly, “Give me a call when you’ve reached.”

Because of what he says, you end up crying all the way home. 

To you, he’s the perfect superior. A worthy comrade-in-arms. A righteous stranger. But he’ll never a reliable lover.

That night, you have a dream about Gavin.

In it, you can’t see his face clearly. He’s wearing a loose school uniform, and is alone in the basketball court, dribbling a ball, a plaster on his hand.

It’s a very realistic dream.

You’re sitting afar off and watching him. Occasionally, the ball would roll to a place near you. When you finally think of picking it up, you see Gavin running over. He’s so close that you can see strands of sweat-drenched hair on his forehead. You try reaching out to touch him, but you just can’t do it. It’s as though there’s a transparent film between the two of you. No matter how close you are, you can only be a member of the audience.

When you wake up, you’re facing the ceiling. Someone once told you that you’d forget the contents of your dreams the moment you turn. So you lie stiffly for a very long time, trying to remember as many details of the dream as you can.

Sunlight streams in through the curtains.

You finally turn to your side, and tears stream down the side of your face.

Even in dreams, you can’t obtain a happy ending.

-

[ 11 ]

After that night, because of your father’s position and how you faint at the sight of blood, you are quickly transferred to a commanding post instead of having to be deployed on missions. 

In an instant, you become Gavin’s superior.

Unlike in fiction where female superiors who experience unrequited love torment the target of their affections, or use their position to seduce them, you have no intention of doing so. Instead, you simply treat him much more coldly than a normal superior would.

Occasionally, in the middle of night, you’d have the urge to ask him a question.

"Why can’t it be me?”

But you know that this question has been buried in the last page of your diary, hidden in the corner of your bookshelf. It decomposes in your innermost heart - a place where no one has ever seen.

Because you already know the answer.

On the night when make-believe turned out to be reality, you had leaned in close to his ear, and said “I love you” in a trembling voice. Back then, he had turned his face away slightly, his expression grave and stern, reminiscent of the marble stone that you used to touch when you were small.

You know that it’d never be you.

-

Sometimes, when Eli takes Gavin’s place to give reports, you’d pull him out for a meal and drinks.

On one particular evening when you had drunk quite a fair amount, he leaned on the table and looked at you. “Have you let go?”

You secretly stole a prawn from his plate. While munching on it, you responded, “I’ve let go.”

You truly have.

Which is why afterwards, when you and Gavin were selected as stellar graduates to return to your alma mater and give a speech, the emotions in your heart were not turbulent. 

You vaguely remember that the sunset on that day was very beautiful.

The yellowish golden sun was gradually disappearing below the horizon, as beautiful as a painting - the most beautiful sunset in your life.

He stood by your side with a depth in his eyes - the most detailed stroke in this painting, etched onto your heart.

Although you tried to suppress the urge, you decided to speak. “I always hoped to get a chance to return to this place with you again. I didn’t think it’d come true. I’m left with no regrets.”

He frowned slightly. Even though he tried to conceal it, you could sense a twinge of awkwardness. He looked as though he wanted to speak, but didn’t. 

You chuckled.

“I once thought that the reason why I came to STF, why I went on missions with you, and helped you take that bullet, was for you. But now I know that it was to complete myself.”

“I don’t need a response from you. In my years of youth, meeting someone like you was already my fortune.”

He froze, lapsing into a long silence. In the end, he says: “Thank you.”

His shoulders relaxed, as though he had set down a large boulder, and was relieved of a heavy load. 

You had nothing much to regret. What’s there to regret? As compared to yourself, you’d prefer for him to get what he wanted.

Thousands of years ago, a poet called Su She once said that the flow of the river and the waning of the moon are simply temporary changes. From a broader, long-term perspective, they are never-changing. 

When you first heard it, you weren’t able to draw any lessons from it.

But when you flipped through Khalil Gibran’s collection, you were finally enlightened. After being troubled for so many years, everything finally made sense with just one sentence.

Gibran said: “Love possesses not, nor will it be possessed. For love is sufficient unto love.”

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[ Permission to translate ]

礼里图: You can move it over if you state the source. It’s even better when more people can like it~