#if you're feeling depressed or suicidal please please reach out to a friend or loved one

[askteamsupernova]

to Surya!

what happened in the months after the world was saved and Ammy disappeared? what was your reunion like? (assuming this blog follows the canon events of pmd: explorers)

Surya: Mom's suggestion was really helpful, actually. It turns out a lot of exploration and rescue teams go through stressful situations like that, and there are always pokemon willing to help them afterwards.

Ammy: It's always good to have a friend to lean on. Sometimes you just have to get things out!

[foli-vora]

the sun will shine again

joel miller x f!reader

A/N: just a little self indulgent something I wrote for comfort when I needed it, but maybe it can be a little reassuring hug for someone here as well? If you're struggling, please reach out to your local helplines, friends, family, doctors, teachers, coworkers - you're worthy of your existence on this planet, and you're not alone ❤️

Word count: 2k

Warnings: heavy themes. Depression, thoughts of suicide and intent, mentions of a weapon (gun), Joel struggles with feelings but he gets the message across, Ellie is Ellie with a little needed comic relief, hurt & much needed comfort

You don't want it anymore. Any of it. You just want peace. You want to be able to wake without the lingering presence of something heavy weighing down on your heart, your soul. You want to be able to smile, and feel it curl on your lips knowing it's nothing but true, and it's not there hiding the ugly thoughts and feelings stirring in your mind. You just want to be happy.

Is that even possible? Does happiness even exist anymore? The world had been torn apart long ago - there is very little to smile for now. Maybe it wasn't worth the effort. Maybe this is all there is.

No.

No, this isn't all of it.

You're sure you feel happiness, even if it doesn't manage to make it across your features most of the time. You feel the tender warmth of it in your chest, the blissful ease of the never ending pressure threatening to crush you under its weight.

It happens now, despite the horrific events that seem to follow your footsteps. Ellie's a sweet thing. She hides it behind her stubbornness and sarcasm, but you spy a slight comfort building within her as time rolls on—a peace.

Joel mirrors it, and he fights it - God does he fight it. Of course you know why he keeps her at arms length, why he desperately fights to keep that void present, but lately, it's wavered. He smiles, laughs even. It's beautiful to witness. He deserves it all and so much more.

You on the other hand? The shadows have seemingly only grown outside of the QZ despite being free, creeping along and filling every vacant space in your mind. It's so damn heavy. Something's there, a presence that seems to know exactly when to strike with its poisonous words, and it's not long until a part of you starts to believe them.

You don't belong here. You don't deserve them. You don't deserve this. You should've died long ago. Why are you still here? They would be better off without you.

It's those thoughts that have you here now, staring numbly at the sun beginning to shine over the horizon with a weight in your hands. There's a harsh chill in the air that bites at your skin through your thick, tattered long sleeve, but you don't care. You won't be here when the snow eventually hits.

You had left your jacket draped over a sleeping Ellie, her cheeks and nose tinged pink from the low temperature. It wouldn't go to waste - she'll get a lot of use out of it. Your pack you'd left in its spot beside Joel's - he'll take whatever they need before they move off. You have nothing else of worth.

They'll be better off. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere. Everyone will be better off.

Your gaze drops to your hands where they cradle the handgun, the steel barrel now warm from your touch. You only have one bullet - you left the rest behind. You wouldn't need them, anyway. Joel'll get a use out of them. They'll both be safe.

Safer without you. Better without you.

So why can’t you do it? Why can’t you just get it over with? Why are you hesitating?

The last few months roll through your mind. Blurs of memories, of you and Joel, of you and Ellie, each one rolling through your mind and bringing that sweetly craved warmth back to your chest. You know why you’re hesitating.

It’s a battle between love and darkness, and you hate that the darkness is winning. You’re weak.

They deserve more than you.

“Watching the sunrise?"

The unexpected but familiar gravel has you jumping about a mile high out of your skin. Your head whips to where Joel is approaching quietly from behind, and you discreetly tuck the gun into the waistband of your jeans as you nod, forcing a strained curl of your lips.

"It's a nice view," he continues quietly, voice still roughened from the few hours of sleep he managed to get. "I wasn't expectin' you to be gone so long."

He had been resting when you left the little campsite, eyes closed and merely grunting in reply when you mentioned needing a bit of privacy. How long had it been since you left? How long had you been dragging your feet in carrying this shit out?

"I got distracted," you explain weakly, shifting slightly over on the unforgiving boulder you sit on so he can rest on it beside you, "sorry."

He notices your clear lack of jacket.

"You cold?"

"No," you lie.

He's watching you, studying you. You can feel it. You keep your eye on the horizon, taking in the pastel mix of blues and oranges stretching across the sky as the sun starts to rise further above the landscape in an effort to escape his scrutiny.

"You needin' these?"

Glancing towards him, you watch as he sticks his hand down the front pocket of his jeans before holding it out to you, noting the bullets rolling around his palm. Your bullets. There's something hanging in his gaze as it remains heavily fixed on you. Maybe a slight edge of suspicion? Challenge?

You don't manage to hold it long enough to find out.

"Uh, not that I know of. I think I'm good."

He makes a low noise of thought, "Alright. Well, why don't you let me check. Better to be safe than sorry, right?"

"Joel—"

"Come on."

The cold's long seeped into your bones now. You weren't meant to take this long. Another thing you can't do right. Moving takes a small bit of effort, your fingers now numb as they struggle to keep a firm grip on the weapon and pass it over.

Joel swiftly pops open the cylinder once he has the gun in hand, taking a long, quiet moment to examine the one single bullet residing in there. His thumb briefly brushes over the top surface of it, before readying the other bullets in between the grasp of his fingers.

"Not gettin' far with only one," he comments dryly, nimbly filling the cylinder and then flicking it shut with a noticeable click.

He doesn't give it back to you.

Instead, he reaches behind his back and tucks the gun down the waistband of his jeans beside his own, before fixing his jacket above them. He sighs, a deep heave of breath that blows out from his lips with a wispy cloud that carries away with the breeze as he seems to lose himself in thought.

You say nothing. There's nothing for you to say.

"Don't you ever," he starts thickly, voice cutting suddenly through the quiet, "think about doin' that again, you hear me?"

"Do what?"

You feign ignorance.

Whether it's because you don't want to acknowledge your earlier thoughts, or Joel to know about any of it, you don't know. It's silly—he would've found you eventually anyway. Maybe you're just a coward and don't want to face the reality of what he would think of you.

"Don't play with me—not about this.”

An apology sits on your tongue, but it doesn't make it past your lips. You should've known better than to play him as the fool. Joel's anything but stupid. He probably saw through you the instant he laid eyes on you sitting in the cold morning light without a jacket.

“I don’t say it, and maybe I should start, but I can’t lose you,” he rasps, deep brown eyes falling away from your face to follow the soft swirls of the clouds, “I can’t. And I know that’s selfish of me to say, I know it’s not what I should say when you’re feelin’ like this, but—Jesus. Ellie wants you here, needs you here. I need you here, and I know you’re carryin’ a lot in that head of yours but—I just... I’m here for you, alright?”

“Joel—”

“Quiet.”

Your mouth snaps shut immediately.

“I know it’s a lot, and I know it hurts—believe me honey, I know it fuckin’ hurts, and you’re tired and the other side just seems so damn good… but it’s not. It’s not. You… you can’t do that. God, you just can’t.”

The wind chills the hot tears that spill down your cheeks until they feel like ice. He looks at you then, as if sensing the heart ache making wet paths along your skin.

You’re weak.

His hands are hot as they cradle your face carefully, roughened calloused palms covering your cheeks and soothing away the agony filled droplets with a quick brush of his thumbs.

You can’t help but turn into the touch, your own hands coming to wind around his wrists in an effort to keep him close. He’s so warm. You let out the lungful of oxygen you’d been holding onto in your worry, watching the fog of it hang between your faces before fading away.

“I don’t know what to do, Joel,” you admit in a choked whisper, eyes dropping from something close to shame, “My head… I-I don’t know how to fix this—”

His hands press tighter against your cheeks as he angles and holds your face until your eyes are flicking up to meet his. Sincerity fills them, mixing with the ever present concern he hides behind those high almost impenetrable walls. It’s hard to focus on anything but him.

“It’s gonna take time, and it’s gonna be damn hard, but I want you to put it on me, understand? Put it all on me. I’ll carry what you’re strugglin’ with, alright? Hell, I’ll carry you. For as long as I need to. For the rest of my—fuck. Just—just let me help you. Please.”

He wants to do that? For you?

“What if it’s too much?”

“Then we’ll handle it together, like we’ve handled shit hundreds of times before.”

A few more moments of searching his eyes and you’re breathing a quiet okay. The heaviness still rests unforgivingly on your mind, but maybe you won’t struggle so much if someone was there to help you carry the load. Maybe, with time, it would get lighter.

That’s what you could fight for—the days where it won’t hold you down, and threaten to break you completely. The days where, maybe, it won’t be there anymore. Is that even a possibility? It doesn’t matter, you think you’re willing to find out.

His own eyes flicker between yours when your voice reaches his ears, before he gives a slight, barley there nod. His throat bobs with a swallow and then he’s resting his forehead against yours in apparent relief, lashes brushing his cheeks as his eyes flutter closed.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t ever need to be.”

“I fucking knew you guys were a thing.”

Ellie’s voice suddenly picks up from the tree line, her heavy feet trudging through the dense forest floor with the crunch of leaves and the snap of branches. Joel’s hands drop as he pulls away with a slight frown, levelling it on the girl making her way over, but it doesn’t seem to deter her in the slightest.

Despite missing the physical reassurance from Joel, you welcome the change Ellie unknowingly brings to the heavy atmosphere. You even manage a small smile, and it doesn’t feel strange as it stretches along your lips. There it is again—that lovely warmth from within you.

This is it. This is what you want, what you have. It’s just buried most of the time, but—but it’s definitely there. You weren’t imagining it. It’s there.

You’ll fight for it. You’ll fight for her, for Joel. You’ll fight for your peace.

“You didn’t need to hide it for so long—I’m not fucking stupid. I appreciate the jacket, by the way, but I don’t need you turning into an ice block on me,” she says, dumping your warm jacket over your shoulders before moving to your side and looking out towards the sunrise. “Holy shit, look at that view.”

[softxsuki]

Hey (again)! Ive come back again with another urgent request (sorry) I was wondering if you could do a suicidal reader x nanami the reader is a sorcerer and powers are : they can technically spawn anything from a portal including void swords abd all that stuff - they can also blind their enemies with their powers.

Thank you and even though it is an urgent request take your time and have rest ,sleep and stay healthy (here's a star ⭐ for your hard work) ! My parents are fighting right now and I'm currently upset from the past few days and this 👌 close to giving up but then I remember people that r here for me including you but have a great night and thank you 💞

Nanami with Suicidal S/O

PLEASE DON'T READ IF MENTIONS OF SUICIDE WILL DO YOU MORE HARM THAN GOOD

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP.

Pairing: Nanami x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of suicide attempt, wanting to die, reckless abandonment, depression, crying, hopelessness, desperation

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 730

Summary: In which you're on a mission with Nanami and instead of fighting back, you stop and give the curse a chance to kill you, but not before Nanami steps in to help

[A/N: Hey again! Knowing you came back for another urgent request just is proof enough that you enjoyed my writing and that means a lot! No idea what you're going through in life, but I hope this helps you out, even if it's just a little. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to <3 hope you enjoy!]

Nanami:

Nanami holds your life dearly to him

Your life is precious to him, a life force that he’d never put on the line; he’d sacrifice himself if it meant keeping you alive and well

Loss was a part of his job, he’s already lost countless friends and students, he couldn’t lose you–that would break him

So on one of your missions together when he saw you just stop mid-battle as a curse was seconds away from tearing you apart–he raced into action, adrenaline coursing through him as he ran faster than ever to get you

Your portal was open, it was there for you to easily defeat the lower level curse before you, but you just stood there

That’s when he knew 100% that something was going on with you

He’d seen little signs of it before, like seeing you distance yourself from him little by little, noticing the dark circles under your eyes, your sudden reckless actions, mood swings– all the signs were there, yet you managed to cover it all up so well

It wasn’t until this very moment that it became certain you were trying to die–you were trying to leave him all alone, how would he move forward without you–the love of his life?

This mission was supposed to be simple, he invited you for the sake of spending more time together since you were slowly pushing him farther and farther away

Almost losing you wasn’t in his agenda for the day

He could feel his pulse echoing in his throat as he pulls you away from the curse, quickly exorcizing the last few curses before approaching you

His adrenaline is still racing, so his initial response is rage

“What were you thinking?! Were you really trying to get yourself killed?! Your portal was open, why did you freeze up like that?” He chokes up on his words, falling to his knees before you as tears fall from his eyes, this snaps you out of whatever trance you’re in

You hadn’t seen Nanami so worked up to the point of crying since he lost Haibara back in high school, that’s when you realize what a mistake you almost made

“I-I’m sorry” it’s the only thing you can manage to say to him

He tries to calm himself down, feeling exhaustion hit him from the sudden adrenaline rush

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, I just…I almost lost you. I can’t allow that to happen. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you that you felt like this was your only option, but I can’t lose you, Y/N. I love you so much, you’re my everything, please don’t leave me. Please” he begged, taking your hand in his as he leaves kisses to the back of it, scared to let you go, in fear that he’d never feel the warmth of your hands again, never feel your heart beating against him again…he was terrified

You didn’t think being gone would affect someone so much, sometimes you forgot that you had people in your life that really cared for you, your depression clouding your mind so much

It isn’t until you both go back home and settle down when you open up about your struggles with him

Your internal battles and your troubles at home that all became too much to handle at times

He’d quietly listen to every word you had to say, tracing circles on the back of your hand whenever you stopped speaking at times, finding it difficult to emotionally open up to someone, but he was there. He cared. He really cared

Nanami would ask you what you’d like him to do; of course he’d help in his own way, like asking if you’d like to speak with a professional for help, but if not, he’s more than okay with helping you in any way he can

Moving forward, he keeps a closer eye on you, whether it be holding you more often, inviting you out, staying at home, talking things out–he’d go to the moon and back if it meant helping you feel better and not wanting to leave this world without him

One day at a time–you just need to get through each day one by one, and you’re definitely not alone, he’d be right by your side, taking your hand and walking every step with you

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 08/28/2023

[temporary-tats]

Hey I'll take you up on that offer of a list of your favourite Bees fics 👀👀👀

Always looking for more. I feel like I've barely scratched the surface though. And if they're half as good as the Midnight Bees fic then yes please!

Oh Anon do I have a list for you.

A Note Before We Begin: Most of these Bumbleby fics are lengthy, multi-chapter pieces, often coming in at 70k+ words. The majority of these recommendations are not light reads because I am a sucker for emotional journeys full of ups, downs, and angst. If you're looking for more lighthearted recommendations, then I am unfortunately too much of an emotional masochist for you! (But, considering you've come here as a fan of MM, I have a feeling you'll enjoy these)

I'll also be updating this post with new fics occasionally, and to update my Top 5! So if you ever need something new to read, come back and check out this recs list :]

~ 💛💜 Now, let's begin 💜💛 ~

My Top 5 Favorite Bumbleby Fics (as of April 2024)

Paring down this list is Incredibly (TM) difficult, but these are 5 fics that brutally obliterated me, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.

when I dream of dying I never feel so loved by lescousinsdangeroux - Mature; 73k Words; Alternate Universe - Edge of Tomorrow/RWBY Fusion (Sci-Fi, Time Loop, Grimm, Semblances); TW: Repeated (Temporary) Major and Minor Character Death and Mild Gore

I Know You by Monochrome_Gray - Mature; 238k Words; Alternate Universe - Witches; Semblances as Magic; Clairvoyance; Poly Raven, Summer, and Taiyang; Slow Burn; TW: Minor Character Death, Depression, and Minor Dysphoria (NB Yang)

hear her in the wind by lescousinsdangeroux - Mature; 109k Words; Alternate Universe - The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild/RWBY Fusion (Remnant = Hyrule, Maidens = Champions, Adam = Ganon; Yang = Link and Blake = Zelda; Grimm) TW: PTSD

Gunslinger by pugoata - Mature; 218k Words; Alternate Universe - Western; No Semblances; Sheriff Yang; Politics; TW: Intense Faunus Racism (it's 90% of the plot), Public Execution, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Implied/Referenced Abuse

you're a mountain, full of glory by lescousinsdangeroux - Explicit; 111k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern/Snowboarder and Skier; No Semblances; No Faunus; Friends with Benefits; Found Family; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse

The Hall of Fame

These are fics that, at one point, touched the Top 5 list. They may have been nudged out by another work, but they're still top tier.

They Can't Steal the Love You're Born to Find by timeespaceandpixiedust - Mature; 101k Words; Alternate Universe - Courtroom, Childhood, College/University; Non-linear Timeline; Adam on Trial; Very Emotional Conversations; Healing; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Brief Depictions of Violence, PTSD, Depression;

Compass by pugoata - Mature; 74k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern, Roadtrip, Soulmates; No Semblances; Hitchhiker Blake; Tense Tai and Yang Relationship; Healing; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse;

Shelter by pugoata - Mature; 73k Words; Alternate Universe - Farm; No Semblances; Runaway Blake; Farmer Yang; GOATS; Healing; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Brief Depictions of Violence, PTSD;

Brighter by y8ay8a - Explicit; 212k Words; Alternate Canon; Events from Volume 2/3 - Beginning of Volume 7; Very Emotional Conversations; Blake and Yang in the Before and Healing Through the After; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Depression, PTSD;

let you see my wilder side (if i can see your bones) by explosivesky - Explicit; 107k Words; Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Rockstar and Movie Star; Actress Yang; Rockstar Blake; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Brief Depictions of Violence;

take it from your grave by explosivesky - Mature; 48k Words; Alternate Universe - Gothic Horror; Monsters; Curses; Forbidden Romance; Forbidden Found Family; TW: Brief Depictions of Violence, Depression, PTSD;

Other Amazing Works

Didn't quite reach the Top 5, but these fics were still phenomenal.

Midnight Menagerie by Kaelidascope - ONGOING; Explicit; Currently 289k Words; Alternate Universe - Future Dystopia, Sex-Industry, Crime Syndicates; No Semblances; No Faunus; Bartender Yang; Dancer Blake; Street Racing; Gritty Fic, but with Lots of Fluff; Slowburn; Gunning For the Top 5 Once Finished;

NOTE: This fic tackles VERY emotionally intense and gritty topics. While done (in my opinion) very masterfully and with great care, please proceed with caution. TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, R@pe/Non-Con, Human Trafficking, Past Abuse/Assault of a Minor, Death, PTSD, Emotional Manipulation, Physical Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts;

Praeludium and Allegro by yangsbandana - Mature; 68k Words; Alternate Universe - Orchestra, Conservatory; Viola/Violin Blake; Cello Yang; Healing; TW: Depictions of Abuse, PTSD;

Best Laid Plans by Sawrin - Teen and Up; 10k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern; Dog POV; Fluffy;

Expecting by Sawrin - General Audiences; 8k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern; Best Laid Plans Part 2; Dog POV; Baby on the Way;

From the Heart by Softlight - Mature; 77k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern, Bakery; No Semblances; Baker Yang; Bookstore Owner Blake; Healing; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Brief Depictions of Violence, Depression, Grief

what if it's all just a black abyss (and lips that kiss you) by lescousinsdangeroux - Teen and Up; 30k Words; Alternate Universe - Star Wars; Force Bond; Found Family; Smuggler and Pilot Yang; Runaway Sith Apprentice Blake; TW: Brief Depictions of Violence;

it's not living (if it's not with you) by explosivesky - Mature; 10k Words; Alternate Universe - Pop Punk/Rock Band; No Semblances; No Faunus; No Angst Just Fluff;

Crash Landing by kienava - Mature; 43k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern, College/University, Text Messages; No Semblances; No Faunus; Crack but with Serious Moments; Slow Burn; TW: Implied/Referenced Drug Use;

roads that lead you home by lescousinsdangeroux - Teen and Up; 15k Words; Alternate Canon/Future RWBY; Weiss POV; Bumbleby Included but Not the Full Focus; Found Family; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse;

you've got me seeing stars by explosivesky - Mature; 25k Words; Alternate Canon; Beacon Never Falls; Happy and In Love Bees; Pining; Partial Sun POV;

shake us together like a snow globe by explosivesky - Mature; 34k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern, College/University, Fake Dating; No Semblances; Home for the Holidays; Mutual Pining; More Emotional than Angsty; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse;

Mixed Melodies by EmpressOfEdge - Mature; 25k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern, Rock Band; No Semblances; Drummer Yang; Bassist Blake;

Waiting (on You) by Mikotyzini - Teen and Up; 133k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern; No Semblances; No Faunus; Ultimate Slow Burn; Yang is Oblivious;

You and Me, and One Hot Summer by EmpressOfEdge - Mature; 98k Words; Alternate Universe - Modern; No Semblances; Summer Romance; Ultimate Wingman Sun; TW: Implied/Referenced Abuse;

[viaviv124]

Cotl Orphan AU

So bc i would never in a million years finish writing this as a fic i'll just write everything i have so far here so its out of my head and y'all can also do whatever you want with it. This will be a long ass post so get a drink and get cozy. Of course i won't get on full Detail like characterizations etc, in this post at least, so feel free to ask questions! I'd love to answer them!

This post includes content warnings for all sorts of very dark topics, but especially murder, body horror, torture, cannibalism, suicide, depression, slightly implied sexual abuse, implied abuse in general and other stuff like that. If you're sensible to this please click off or proceed with caution.

It all starts with 5 siblings, Shamura(16), Kallamar(14), Narinder(13), Heket(10) and Leshy(8). When Leshy was barely able to walk they ended up on the streets because one of their parents killed the other before taking their own life. They struggled a lot but they got by.

One day, when Narinder was out looking for food, he found an injured lamb, around his age, in an ally. They seemed starved and the life had already left their eyes as they barely managed to look up at him. Being unable to just leave them there he knelt down to them, ripped off parts of his own clothes to wrap around them as makeshift bandages and left them all the food he gathered so far whilst telling them to keep living, that they shouldnt have to die like this. Once making sure the lamb will be fine alone he left, thinking he can just collect some more food anyway.

Around 3 - 4 years pass and in that time 4 of the siblings were gravely injured. Shamura suffered a devistating blow to the head from someone they stole food from, cracking their skull just enough to keep them alive but also to damage the brain. Kallamar's ears were ripped off by other homeless people that succumbed to insanity. Heket's throat was slit by an older, privileged child who thought it was funny after Heket expressed that she didn't want anything to do with them. Leshy's eyes were all shot during a heist, requiring his siblings to gouge out the remains. It's unclear how they survived all that. From then on the siblings, espacially Narinder, decided that murder is okay and justified if necessary.

More years pass and they reach their current ages. Due to a dispute they're chased out of the current ally they lived in for a long time. Now they're on the search for a new home, but it's very hard. Once they're on the other side of town, where they've never been before, yet still unable to find a suitable place especially Shamura starts to despair, blaming themself internally for being unable to help their siblings. Narinder and Kallamar do their best to try and reassure them.

One night, as they're wandering, they get found by a lamb dressed in rags, covered in scars and dirt and wearing a bag, they're around Narinder's age, who smiles kindly at them and offers a hand, promising a secure home and food. All of the siblings distrust this child, however out of necessity Shamura feels forced to accept the offer, they take the lambs hand. The lamb's smile turns gentler as they introduce themself as Belphy before starting to lead the way.

Belphy leads them to an old, abandoned factory at the outskirts of town, in which are several children of various ages and states, some coming to greet Belphy and asking if they brought new friends. At first the siblings don't trust anyone, keeping to eachother instead of interacting with the others, however eventually Leshy starts to get along with a yellow cat barely younger than him and with a missing arm. Heket becomes friends a bunny girl, who's quite the oddball, detesting touch in one moment and then clinging to Heket the next. Seeing their siblings get along with the other children Shamura and Kallamar also slowly start interacting with the others. However, Narinder only really socializes with Belphy, as they seem to cling to him whenever they're not busy. Seeing them first as an annoyance, Narinder soon learns to trust and appreciate this strange lamb. He also learns that this is the lamb he helped many years ago, being the leading cause of Belphy helping other children in need too.

However, Narinder notices some very odd behaviour from Belphy. He can't say what exactly it is, but it bothers him. But no matter how often he decides to trail them when they go out, they seem to always be a step ahead of him, greeting him with a sweet smile and going home with him before he could even get a rough glance of anything the lamb was doing. Whenever he asks questions Belphy smoothly avoids them or tells him not to worry about it, that everything is fine and nothing's out of the ordinary. Narinder can't help but get a bit scared, though. Because as nice and sweet as the lamb is, whatever they hide, he knows they must hide something, must be horrifying.

But one day, on the day he finds out. This time he wasn't even trailing Belphy, he was just out on a walk of his own when he suddenly heard a scream. He hid behind the corner and glanced into the back ally, having never seen something so horrifying before. In the ally was a bloodbath, Belphy in the middle of it, surrounded by two or three gruesomely mutilated corpses. Belphy licked the blood off their hand with a terrifyingly satisfied smile as the black knife in their other hand turned into a black snake with only a red eye as a face and curled around their arm, conveniantly hidden under the fleece. Confused by the transformation of the knife-snake they looked at their arm "Hmm? What was that for? I'm not done yet." As they look up again their eyes meet Narinders and Narinders blood runs cold as he freezes. His heart beats up and almost out of his chest as Belphys smile softens and they walk torwards him, covered in blood. The closer Belphy gets, the faster and louder Narinders heart beats as he squeezes his eyes shut.

Despite his expectations Belphy just gently cups his face, pulls his head down to their height and leans their forehead against his. They gently caress him and with a soft and gentle voice they attempt to soothe him, telling him that everything is okay, that he is okay and that he doesnt have to be scared. They tell him to breathe. To Narinders own surprise this works unexpectedly well and he manages to steady his breathing and calm down a little, however once he can move again he moves away from Belphy, opening his eyes only for a glare as his fear turns to fury. Narinder hisses not to touch him.

Belphy smiles and puts their hands in the air to show they're not a threat, the snake, now more exposed, stares at Narinder. When Narinder demands answers, Belphy complies with no hesitation.

They tell him that the snake found Belphy several years ago, not too long after their first encounter with Narinder. It said it needed blood and if Belphy provides it'll help them in turn too. So as proof it turned into a black crown with its red eye in the middle, its true form it said, and sat on Belphys head, healing every wound as good as it could it its weakened state. Once Belphy agreed to do it the crown now turned into a combat knife. Belphy only ever kills adults. When they first killed they let out all their pain and sorrows, following the crown's advice to make it easier, and as a result they came to like it. Torturing and killing adults, the ones that made their life so horrible in the first place. Now these despicable creatures are at their mercy as they scream and cry in pain, just like the lamb did too, before taking their lifes at last. Over the years they also grew fond of the taste of their victim's blood and flesh, what once was a necessity now was a guilty pleasure, allthough, they added, they cannot stand the smell.

Belphy reassures Narinder, who is a mix of heavily disturbed and (for reasons he doesnt quite understand) somewhat unfazed, that they won't ever harm him, the other children and his siblings, not now and not when they're all grown. They also make him promise to please not tell anyone, not even his siblings, before suggesting he can help them if he'd like.

With that Narinder is now Belphys partner in crime. He did come with them on a few massacres, he calls it that because of how messy Belphy is, and whilst he's still somewhat disturbed, mainly by Belphy's cannibalistic tendencies and a level of merciless sadism he didn't expect of them considering their sweet and gentle demeanour, he can't help but admit that he also bears a deep rooted spite for adults and that this is a great way to vent all this pain, it made him discover he might also be more sadistic than he thought. Maybe murder for fun was okay and not just a necessity.

Yet all of this still bothered him. Deep inside he was not only scared of Belphy but also himself. Shamura noticed Narinder's off behaviour and after weeks, maybe months, of observing him they finally asked what's going on. Narinder's deep trust in Shamura makes him forget about the promise he made and so he tells the everything. Everything about Belphy, the murders, his own sadistic tendencies, his fears and worries about all of this. Shamura didn't say much about it. They just held him close as he spoke.

It took less than a day for Belphy to find out. They're not happy. And Narinder is going to feel the consequences of a broken promise. Some cuts and bruises, maybe a broken bone or two, but nothing more than a severed finger. They care too much about him to do more. They cant bring themself to do more. So this'll do. It should teach Narinder to keep a promise next time.

They did it. They hurt him. As much as they hate seeing him scared, him accepting their embrace for comfort afterwards was very nice, considering how often he told them to not touch him. Maybe they'll ask the crown to heal Narinder, the message they wanted to send seemed to arrive so there's no need for him to be in even more pain.

AND THATS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW :D Thank you so much reading through this! If you have any questions about the AU and characters etc, feel free to ask!!

[deetz-ghuleh]

You Will Never Walk Alone

─ Papa Emeritus IV Copia x F! Reader ─

rating: 18+ Mature | MDNI

word count: 1.4k

warnings/tags: SUICIDE ATTEMPT! , self-harm, angst, mental illness, depression, anxiety, pills/medication, comfort, some fluff.

PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS FIC IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A WORK OF FICTION. 

a/n: At first I wasn't sure about writing this, but then felt compelled to complete it. This is a very sensitive topic for some, but I feel it’s something important to discuss.

This is my way of dealing with a dark period in my life where I almost lost myself, as well as a heartfelt appreciative thank you to this band. Ghost has brought a lot of us back to the light and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

Please take care of yourself. If you are struggling, please reach out to someone. If someone you love is struggling, please let them know you're there for them. Sometimes all we need is a caring gesture. You are never alone. You are important and worthy of love. You are a survivor. I love you. 

♡ If You Have Ghost, You Have Family ♡

AO3 link

tag list: @ghu-leh @baelzbu @sodoswitchimage @ghuleh-recs @bupia @onlyhereforghost

It happened gradually. It always did.

A pain that slowly, but surely, begins to consume you. 

It feels like some sort of curse that has followed you your whole life. It was a vague memory when you were a child, but as you got older, the feeling settled in a dark corner of your mind, steadily traveling toward your heart.

It manifests in different ways - not eating regularly or getting enough rest; isolating yourself, indulging in unhealthy habits, pushing people away, and losing interest in anything that brings you joy.

And you are so good at masking, at acting like nothing is wrong. If they only knew. If only you let them in. 

Not all days are lousy. Sometimes you feel a spark of happiness for a few minutes, days, a week maybe…

And then it vanishes - like a small withering flower, petals fading away into nothingness.

You had mentioned it to Copia a few times. He had confessed similar thoughts and feelings. He was a sensitive soul, it didn't surprise you. When he joked one day about being lonely, you began spending more time together. You didn't want him to ever feel the same anguish. You wanted to give him the same comfort and support he had graced you with. His thoughtful words, and his presence had kept the storm at bay, at least temporarily. 

But tonight is different.

All of the built-up sadness rushes through your body like an untamed river, threatening to drown you in emotions so dark and monstrous they seem impossible to escape from. Years worth of agony come crashing down on you all at once. How long can someone take before they break? 

You are so tired. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

Your hands tremble with the pill bottle as tears cascade down your cheeks - your mind cruelly reminding you that no matter how hard you try, it will never get better. You will always feel empty. You will always be a burden.

It'd be better if you just disappeared, the voice says. 

𓆩♡𓆪

Copia couldn't sleep. Something was wrong, he felt it in his gut. 

He knocks on your door.

He had noticed a change in you lately - your distance, the polite smiles you forced yourself to give, a growing sorrow in your beautiful, expressive eyes. But he stayed silent for fear of pushing you away or making you uncomfortable. How could he have been so careless? You were close friends - he should have known, should have asked you. The guilt is so heavy it physically hurts him.

No answer.

His jaw clenches, his anxiety worsening. He hesitates for a moment before slowly turning the handle. Open. 

The room is dark, the curtains drawn tightly shut, leaving very little light to illuminate the emptiness within. Copia walks towards the bed and sees you lying there… unmoving, almost lifeless. As he gets closer, he could make out a bottle of sleeping pills discarded on the bedside counter, and a trail of clothes on the ground. His heart sinks but he refuses to give in to the fear that is gripping him.

"C'mon, dolcezza. Open your eyes for me," he whispers.

When you don't reply, he sits down next to you and takes one of your cold hands into his warm one. Your fingers are icy and your pulse is weak. Tears sting his eyes as he realizes the gravity of the situation. It makes him sick to his stomach. It can't be. Not his sweet, kind sorella.

Feeling an odd presence, you move slightly. "Copia… " you finally speak, your voice barely above a whisper. You could only open your eyes halfway. Everything felt numb, the slow pace of death blanketing you in its embrace.

"I'm here, I'm here." He reassures you with a firm squeeze of your hand. Panic rips through his body. Swiftly, he stands, picking up the phone and calling for one of the doctors in the infirmary. "P-please get here as quick as possible! È un'emergenza (It's an emergency)!" His voice wavers. Saying it aloud made it even more real. But thank Lucifer below, you are alive. Shallowing breathing, but alive.

Burying his face in your chest, tears fall onto your nightgown. "Stay with me, bella. Stay with me. Ti scongiuro (I beg you)."

𓆩♡𓆪

The infirmary lights burn his eyes as he paces in the waiting area. It felt like his heart had moved to his throat. He had been waiting for what seemed like hours. If only this had been a bad dream, a nightmare he could easily wake up from.

He could hear the distant sound of footsteps. Dr. Benedetti, one of the Ministry's physicians, emerges from the room you were being treated in. Copia rushes towards him, his eyes filled with desperation.

"Dottore (Doctor), how is she?" he asks, his voice shaking.

"She's stable, Your Eminence. She will need lots of rest, and I recommend that she begin therapy sessions as soon as possible. We can also discuss medications that might help ease her symptoms. I gave her something to help her sleep." He replies, a look of sympathy on his grizzled face.

"Can I see her?"

"Yes, of course. She's sleeping."

With a nod of gratitude, Copia enters the room. Even though you're alive, he can't shake the thought of what could have happened if he hadn't found you.

His heart bleeds in his chest as he looks at you, remembering the fear he felt when he found you half unconscious. He pulls up a chair next to the bed and takes your hand, stroking it gently with his thumb. He removes his leather gloves, the need to feel your skin is almost unbearable as if you might disappear if he doesn't touch you. You stir mildly but don't wake up. He finds some relief in seeing your chest rise and fall with your breathing. 

"Perdonami (Forgive me), mia cara. If only I had noticed sooner," he whispers, his voice hoarse with emotion. "Can you feel me longing for you? Come back to me."

His voice is far away, but you hear it.

He sees a single tear fall down the side of your face. You heard him.

"Mio cuore (My heart), you hear me, si?" You don't move, still frozen in your medicated sleep. He looks at you longingly before pressing a light kiss on your forehead.

Your body feels sore and tired, but you're aware of your surroundings. His kiss breaks through the fog clouding your mind. You open your eyes lightly and see his face, worry quickly turning into glee at seeing you awake.

"Bella!" He smiles, lunging forward to wrap you in a tight hug.

The warmth of his skin makes your heart swell with emotion. "I'm so sorry, Copia," you sob on his shoulder. "I hurt you. I shouldn't have. I-"

"Shh, dolcezza, please don't cry," he asks, wiping tears from your face. You didn't hurt me. I blame myself for not realizing how much pain you were in. Oh Satanas, I am just glad I was there to help you." 

"You can't blame yourself. I-I am just weak." You turn your face to look at the window, feeling remorseful for breaking his heart in such a way. "I am-" 

"Weak, tesoro? No, look at me," he grabs your cheek to meet his duochromatic gaze. "Why do you say this? No, amore mio, you are the strongest person I have ever met."

"Strong?" You stare at him puzzled. No one had called you strong before. 

"Si, strong. The way I see it, tesoro, you have struggled for a long time, but you kept going. And guarda (look), you are still here."

That soothing voice once again consoles you, washing away any guilt you feel.

You let your eyes linger on him for a minute. He always had been beautiful to you, but now he looks positively radiant. He was a lifeline; a light in the darkness.

Copia leans in and brushes his lips against yours. It's a tentative kiss - he stops himself. You're so vulnerable, he shouldn't kiss you, he thinks. But it feels like he will burst if he doesn't. 

You move towards him. "Kiss me, Papa. Please." His hand comes up to cradle your face, and he plants a delicate kiss. A warm emotion spills inside you, feeling his love enveloping you from within. "You will never walk alone, tesoro," he promises, looking deeply into your eyes.

As you indulge in his touch, the caress of his lips turns more fervent. And for the first time, you are brimming with a sense of joy, of peace, of hope.  

♡

✦ 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗈 𝗆𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀. 𝗂𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖾𝗇𝗃𝗈𝗒 𝗆𝗒 𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 and want to support me, please consider leaving comments, kudos, or reblogging my posts. :) ✦

[nachofuck3r]

Johnny Cage x Depressed, friend! Reader

Just a cross post from ao3 for the poor people of Tumblr.

Art was kindly done by @unabashedfacecreator

I also feel it's important to mention that you are not in an established relationship but just friends with weird tension tho.

Cw: hurt/comfort, implied body image issues, depression, suicidal thoughts, also fluff and tender Johnny

There's a spot on the ceiling, but as much as you'd love to move and clean it - you can't.

It's been minutes since you last moved, maybe even hours - not like you're counting. Everything feels numb and you yourself feel as though you are a void, not a person - but just a never-ending dark hole that only takes and never gives.

Friends, Family even haven't seen you in weeks, month partly. You could be dead for all they know - you really wish you were. You've done nothing but burden these people, it feels like all you are capable of is relying on others.

Bzzzzz

A vibration stirs you from your self-destructive thoughts, you move your eyes to the left. There lays your phone, running on only 16 percent but still vibrating with vigor, that you could almost be jealous of.

You will yourself to move your head to the side to get a glance at the screen, maybe even see if someone actually texted you. But to no avail, to see who is contacting you, during your lingo, you'd have to sit up.

You move your head back to its initial starting point, staring at the ceiling. You're almost tempted enough to fall back into your earlier trance.

This position is comfortable and familiar, there is nothing you can fuck up about this.

Bzzzzzz

Your finger begins to twitch, muscle memory most likely - you really need to get off that phone more often.

Back to your original thoughts, who texted you? With all your mental might you pull yourself together and attempt to sit up. It's slow and unsteady but you will yourself up with one quick movement. A few bones that have been stuck at an angle finally move back to their original resting places and make light cracking sounds. You groan, then falter. You haven't heard your own voice in a while. Speaking feels like a weary task, anytime you try it your lips start to wobble and tears collect in your eyes. You are just embarrassed at this state you're in, not good for or at anything.

Bzzzzz

Oh right- the phone

Your hand reaches for it before your mind can start to wonder again. The movement of pulling your phone back towards yourself activates the lock screen. You are greeted with a picture of your dog with.....

Fuck

Johnny

Bzzzzz

The phone vibrates in your hand, almost shocking you enough to drop it. Now you finally look at the messages you got, all from the same person. You unlock the screen and read the messages on the notification bar.

Johnathan chachow: Hey!

Johnathan chachow: I'm back from my trip!! You will never believe the shit I've seen a and been through.

Johnathan chachow: I feel like I skipped 100-character arcs and 30 potential flop eras

Johnathan chachow: been around for a while and been meaning to hit you up! I miss PEANUT and you ofc!!

The declaration makes you let out a huff, peanut is your dog. But you've given her temporarily to your parents for now since they said they'd love to have more reasons to go out.

You were very grateful they attempted to cover up initial their taking of your pet with their own excuse. Masking the straight facts, that you just couldn't take care of her right now. After forgetting to feed peanut two times, in one week you called them.

You recall their voices - laced with concern, after hearing the initial shake in your own tone.

Bzzzz

Johnathan chachow: This is the point where you'd be like: "Oh Johnny, I missed you so much, please come over to my place! So, you can cuddle with peanut (and potentially me) for the rest of the weekend"

Rest of the- you fumble to take a look at the date on top of your screen and to your surprise, Johnny was right. It's only Friday afternoon. Like in a trance, you click the messages and get transported to the chat immediately.

"Shit" your voice comes out as a hoarse rumble, furthering your flabbergasted state.

No time!

You need to think of what to answer now! Johnny only just texted you this so the chance of him still being in the chat are high. Which means he saw you reading the messages, which in turn means he's expecting an answer.

Especially after the trip he took, he was gone for months and still remembers you from a time where your life and self-respect weren't completely falling apart.

You type out a few starters but they all get deleted, because you feel as though they are insufficient - not unlike yourself.

You don't even know where to start. You really wish you'd have just let yourself fall back into your original trance, staring at the dirty ceiling.

Not this: sat up on your messy bed, surrounded by mountains of stinky laundry and a few food wrappers. With the hand not holding your phone you pinch the bridge of your nose, hoping it'll help your brain work faster at processing what to write your friend.

You: Hey! Glad to have you back.

You: My flat is a little messy right now

You nervously watch as the messages you typed out go immediately to read - and as Johnny gets to writing.

Johnathan Chachow: Okay?!?! That's not a no. Soooo.

Jonathan Chachow: I'm coming over and bringing takeout!!

Your jaw promptly drops, Johnny has always been very overly forward and friendly like this and you usually don't mind.

But that's because before you always had your shit together, which cannot be said about you and your life’s current state.

The house: an absolute mess, your life: an absolute mess and mostly you being an absolute mess.

And now your best friend of 5 years is about to witness you in this state. Johnny's messages give you an adrenaline rush you could've used weeks ago and you jump out of bed.

Rapidly your fingers start hitting the screen, as you move through the muck on your floor.

You: No really don't!! It's like really messy and I already ate!

Lies except for the messy part, you haven't eaten since Tuesday and at the thought of food your stomach grumbles like a traitor. Hurriedly you start picking up things around the house, you try your best to sort clothes and trash into separate bags but if you're two pairs socks and underwear lighter after this endeavor, you'll blame it on your fussy state.

As you scramble to bring order to your house you hear another -

Bzzzzz

You look around trying to pinpoint where in this mess you left your phone.

Bzzz

There on top of a hill of dirty t-shirts, it vibrates once more.

You grabble for it, unlocking it immediately.

Johnathan Chachow : I haven't seen you IN MONTHS!

Johnathan Chachow : Babe, strap in, I'm coming over, even if I have to climb a mountain of dirty panties.

You chuckle nervously at the message, your dry throat protesting, not soon after.

After letting out a few coughs and you try to get back to cleaning up - seeing there is no point in trying to convince Johnny otherwise. And as you accidentally drop your phone in your run around the house it hits you.

What about you, your body has been marinating in nothing but misery for weeks. You don't even know when you last took a shower. Haven't even looked in a mirror for forever - but one thing is for certain, you must look like shit.

Suddenly the stench of your clothes hit your nose and your nose scrunches up in disgust.

Ignoring your strange odor, you fumble for your phone and immediately bolt for the bathroom. Since you only used this place for dissociated cry sessions and peeing, it was kept fairly clean, despite your effect on the other rooms.

After taking a glance in the mirror, you don't need to be corrected.

A shower is in order immediately, though by the looks of it so should be sleep. Eye bags as prominent as Johnny's personality have formed under your eyes and not the sexy vampire kind of eye bags.

No matter, you splash your face with water and then get to peeling of your well worn clothes. Skillfully avoiding your reflection in the mirror as you discard layer after layer of clothing. You step into the shower and as you turn on the water, you feel the adrenaline starting to wear of. With the pressure of the water pattering down on you, weariness starts to set back in. You shampoo your hair quickly and soon remember you've run out of body wash about a week ago.

In your hazed state you use the shampoo as a substitute, telling yourself it's better than nothing. As you're attempting to scrub yourself clean, you catch yourself trying to not look down, as if to avoid eye contact with your body. You don't need to be even more brought down, you just need to get this done and get it done before-

Ding Dong

Fuck

You quickly turn of the shower, grab a relatively fresh towel and wrap it around yourself.

The floor squeaks as you almost trip over your own, still wet, feet - to get out of the bathroom.

The trash and laundry you half-heartedly have assembled still lies in the living room, you grab for it with your still wet hands, placing it temporarily in the tiny storage room next to your bedroom. I'll take care of it later, goes through your head as a knock can be heard from the front door.

"yEah I'm coming" you rasp, yell out as best as you could. Wishing that Johnny would grant a few more seconds of dignity. Though it seems as though some other higher power had another plan, as you hear the sound of keys jingle and the door knob turn.

"That's what they always say to me" - he boasters as he enthusiastically opens the door, only to let the doors fall open by itself as his eyes fall on you.

Let me die, if there is a god out there kind enough to hear my wish, strike me down.

His shocked expression turns into one of mischief.

"If I'd had known you were on the menu tonight, I wouldn't have brought Chinese" he leans against the door, propping the hand with his keys against his hip. Warmth floods your entire being, as you stand there, still almost naked and your flat looking like it's been ransacked.

"I-" after attempting to speak you immediately regret not having had something to drink yet. Your dry throat refuses to let you speak and betrays you with a coughing fit. Toppling over, you hear Johnny rush to place the takeout bags down and move to your side.

"Whoa whoa. Hey let's get you sat and hydrated" "and scoop" he catches you off guard, by picking you up gingerly, you can only let out a small surprised gasp - as he sets you down on the coach.

"Sit" he utters, giving your back an affectionate pat - before moving to the kitchen. As you sit there you think about how ridiculous this whole situation is. Because there is no way this man, your best friend, is seriously wearing star shaped sun glasses on his head, while you have a coughing fit in only a towel.

"Here you go" Johnny renounces his presence by gently taking your hands and wrapping them around a fresh glass of water. Your dry throat cries out for the beverage as your slightly shaky hands put it to your lips. As you just about finish the glass, placing it down on the coffee table in front of you. Johnny starts to take the place surrounding you two. Looking at him like this makes you want to burst into tears.

"Done a little, mhm redecorating?" he asks, And usually Johnny's teasing was taken by you with grace or even a comeback, now and then.

Now though as the whole situation sinks in again, you can only feel tears building at the corner of your eyes.

"You-" your lip wobbles and Johnny's carefree smirk turns into a frown.

"Oh sweetheart" he mutters kindly as you feel tears bursting out eyes. Johnny embraces you on the couch and you can only pathetically sob into his shoulder as he pats your back.

"This is s-so" - start to speak and even though you drank some water you still feel your throat closing up as you try to press more words out "e-embarrassing" As you utter the last word out Johnny slowly pulls you back to look at your, now tear ridden, face.

He gently brushes over the still ever-growing tear stream, going down your face.

"What are you even saying?"

"I-I just- I'm half naked, my best friend-" you gulp loudly to ease tightening throat, "Who I haven't seen in months keeps doing all this nice stuff for me- *sniff* and I just, can't even function enough to pretend as if my life isn't absolutely shit."

Listening intently Johnny's eyes wander over your face as he takes both your cheeks in his hands.

"It's okay. This is nothing to be embarrassed about, everyone hits a tough spot once in a while. Even a big guy like you and me" He explains as he brushes his thumb over your cheek. "You are single-handedly the kindest, most beautiful and skilled person, I know"

"and you're human, most importantly, it's okay to not always perform or work. You gotta take care of yourself, doll" He lets his right hand drop from your face to your hands, gently he lifts yours to his face and nuzzles his cheek against it matching, his other hand on your cheek. "You've pulled me outta hell, back when Kris and I split" he speaks softly, not once breaking your gaze

"Do you remember the state the mansion was in?" he earnestly asks as you rake your mind for pictures post Johnny's divorce It was such a big house, so it truly never felt too littered or cramped even with the dirty formal clothing, ice cream pints and tissues all over the floor.

"Yeah, but mostly the immense amount of chocolate chip and mint, ice cream you ate" He slightly cringes at the mention as though he can still taste the ice cream now.

"Ugh, even now it makes me shiver, in more than one way."

"Ahem, my point being, It was a mess and I was a mess."

"A hot mess even, and not the good kind" he rambles on. "Back then - You, were the only person that truly had my back"

"Sure, I still had my mom, bless her, not really my dad, fucken asshole he is, but you were always there when it counted." his tongue moves out to wet his lips and your embarrassed to admit your eyes followed the movement.

"More than anything you talked me through a bunch of panic attacks."

"and helping you with this" you scan the room out of the corner of your eye. "is the absolute minimum, a guy like me, can do for an angle like you"

Any other time you would have probably bristled and teased him about the nickname but now just hearing him say it is enough to make you want to cry even more.

"I don't deserve you" you utter out brushing your own thumb over his cheek. His hand drops from your cheek to your shoulder and he pulls you close enough for a kiss.

Your foreheads knock together gently, as he opens his mouth to utter.

"You deserve all of me"

Tears still drying on your cheek and to your surprise a few tear-tracks also run down Johnny's face. Not knowing what else to say or do you finally point out the still very much elephant in the room.

"Can I put some clothes on?"

"Whaaaatt? Why? I love the au naturel look." He barks, intentionally letting his eyes scan you from head to feet.

You furrow your brows at him, but smile nonetheless.

Then you look back at your bedrooms door and remember that you haven't done the laundry in a while.

"I- shit... I don't have any fresh clothes"

"Oh would be a waste if I didn't take of mine as well, so we could match" He jests as he gets up and drops his coat on the couch.

"Harhar, seriously though gimme a sec I'll just see if I can find an-" but johnny holds up his hand, to stop you short.

Then in a dramatic gesture takes your hand in his. "Fret not my dear. For I am ever prepared and brought spares" He winks, as he bolts up and jogs to the front door revealing a bag you hadnt noticed he had earlier.

"I thought I was probably gonna crash on your couch tonight anyways-" " and as someone who has already gotten mouth wash all over his shirt and shorts once. " - "I have brought spares spares"

He ceremoniously takes a shirt and a pair boxer shorts out of his bag and gingerly drops them in your hands.

"There you are, your highness" His trademark charm up to a max again as you still gape at the clothes.

"Wow, you really are my best friend, who totally didn't soak his shirt with my bottle of mouthwash once"

"Ouch, how ungrateful and cruel you are, your highness." He jokingly puts a hand over his heart before moving closer to your face.

"Get to changing before I change my mind" He whispers playfully, with a certain suggestiveness to it that you'd rather deny has an effect on you.

Brushing of those weird feelings you start heading to the bathroom as johnny sets up your living room for a movie night.

After you've successfully changed into the shirt and boxer shorts, you make your way back to the living room.

There, also in a shirt and boxers sat Johnny contently staring at the work he’s done. He’s gotten rid of all the newsletters, letters and magazines that you always trust from your mailbox straight onto the table. If that wasn’t already a feat of its own Johnny has plated the takeout boxes contents up on plates, still steaming from the microwave and prepped two sodas with ice cubes. You didn’t even know you had ice cubes.

"Hey there sunshine, glad you could make it –" he eyes you in his clothes and halts.

He takes a surprisingly laboured breath before motioning to the spot next to him on the couch.

"I like the look you had going before but this" he eyes you up and down over his ridiculous star shaped sunglasses. "This i could get used to"

"Don't cream your pants, your shirt is not nearly as loose on me as I’d like it to be"

"Ughhh~ too late- plus that's makes it sexy, leaves less to the imagination and more to the eye" He clicks his tongue as he theatrically shakes his hips, as much as possible while sitting.

"Sexy? Can’t spruce up what cannot be saved by sprucing" It’s all fun and games with you usually flirting and complimenting each other but you've never done this before.

Say how you freaky feel, maybe you haven’t ever felt like you do now about your body. But you surely do now and He eyes you critically, how brows knit together.

"Hey, that's my friend you're talking about. And they are" He moves in closer.

"the sexiest bitch" Closer "I know, aside from me" He grabs your cheeks with on hand, successfully squishing your face.

"So, don't come around talking shit about them here" You regard him wide-eyed, as you feel his warm breath grazing your face.

"Understood?" he says, his gaze absolutely keeping you in place, unable to move.

"Jeez Luis, understood, now let go you brute." you try to lighten up the atmosphere , giving his chest a light shove, as you pull back from his grip, adjusting your jaw.

"Damn you really got a tight grip there, where ever you were these past few months, really gave you a new edge" you jest as you try to put a little distance between yourself and him.

He giggles slightly and you swear you see him kick his feet.

"You really think so? I was feeling it as well!"- "My journey though outworld really leveled up my charisma"

"Outworld?" you let out a huff, grabbing your plate with fried noodles.

"Yes! Oh, I've got so much to tell you!" he exclaims excitedly, giving you an absolutely blinding smile

You listen to his vibrant display, eagerly as he tells you more and more of what he has been doing these past months. If he didn't show you the pictures, videos and his group chat with Kenshi, Kung Lao, Raiden and Liu Kang, you probably would've thought he was telling you about his upcoming movie plot.

But as Johnny vibrantly shows and tells you about his escapades these past few weeks, you're just so grateful he's better than he was before this trip.

It goes to show that things actually do get better, from an absolute movie star mess, to a guy who traveled outside of 'earthrealm' as he called it and on top made new friends.

It gives you a glimmer of hope, for your own endeavor and seeing how eager Johnny was to meet with you, helps as well.

Because to Johnny you are more than a broken machine, but his friend and perhaps more in days to come.

[stayevildarling]

ik you write these all the time but please can you write something with either of them- maybe Cordelia where reader struggles with some mental health stuff and finds her way to Cordelia again

love your writing it gives me so much comfort

Cordelia Goode x Reader- Fix you

tw: mention of depression, mention of self harm, mention of suicidal thoughts, mention of insomnia, mention of disordered eating habits (please read with care🤍)

word count: 5k

taglist: @lunaticwhittaker, @billiebeanhoward, @lanawinters-ily, @kenzbro, @minaslittleone, @httpfiftyshadesofgay,@whitelotus00, @ninaahs, @vintagepaulson,@isle-of-earle,@paulsonsratched, @stepintomyworld, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @lucyintheskywithxanax, @fanfics4world, @mymiraclewitch, @hazard-to-myself, @awritersometime

Today started as another one of those days, trying your best but still not succeeding. As you sit in silence, the weight of the world bears on your shoulders like a heavy burden. Each of your breaths feel laboured, as if you are struggling to draw air into your tired lungs. Your once vibrant eyes, dull by the suffocating grip the raging storm of emotions have had on you lately.

As you glance towards the large window of your bedroom, you feel as if the sun streaming through it, secretly pleaded with you. Hoping to drag you out of this darkness that has been consuming you for a while. You consider it for a moment, joining some of the witches you see walking past on their way to the greenhouse, but you quickly abandon the thought, the darkness's grip on you too strong. The world around you blurs into a haze of colours and shapes, as if you are viewing it all through a veil of fog.

Every sound, every movement feels distant and detached, as if you're merely a spectator in your own life, watching it unfold before you in slow motion. Maybe it was due to the depression slowly sinking back into your brain, the anxiety crippling inside of your chest or maybe it was the insomnia. You feel so tired and you have been for days but you can't sleep, feeling like sleep was an old friend that you hadn't seen in a very long time. You couldn't pinpoint how long it had been, as every night you would spent tossing and turning while your brain fought wars.

Despite the efforts of those who love you, their words of comfort and concern, you couldn't tell them, couldn't show them how truly dark things had been. Yet you long to reach out, let them in, but a voice always lingered in the back of your mind, assuring that you are better off alone. One of the girls was surprisingly the first to notice, asking why you looked so sad all the time, Madison quickly trying to remind you that you had a lot to be grateful for. And of course the blonde was right, you got what you wanted but somehow it didn't seem like what you needed.

Born in a bloodline of successful witches, enrolled in one of the best academies for those with the ability of magic, some friends as you are quite popular in the academy, being older, wiser and part of the council by now. Eventually falling in love with the headmistress and supreme and despite you two not being official, you had her heart. And you knew that deep down, from the intimate moments you had spent with Cordelia, the whispered love confessions. But whenever your eyes laid upon her beautiful features lately, you couldn't help but think about how she would be better off alone, better with someone stronger, someone not losing a battle to the darkness. Whenever you see her smiling with one of the other witches, you think to yourself she is going to be okay.

And so you retreated to yourself, seeking solace in the solitude of your own thoughts, even as they threaten to consume you from within. Each day becomes a struggle to simply exist, a battle against the overwhelming tide of despair that threatens to drag you under. Feeling as if you are stuck in reverse. And on top of it all, you had to try your best to hide it, slowly the girls catching on, Cordelia constantly hovering and trying to squeeze the truth out of you, Zoe and Madison noticing as well, despite showing their concern in different ways.

And as you sit in silence, your eyes still lingering on the gardens of the coven, you catch a glimpse of your sunshine, Cordelia. Laughing and smiling so effortlessly with another blonde witch about her age, that a tear comes streaming down your face. You can't help it as they run down your cheeks, spilling from your tired eyes. Lately the thought had crossed you more than once whether you had lost her, something- someone so special that you could never replace. Of course you loved her and you tried to show her that every single day but you didn't know how to love Cordelia right now, when you had no love inside you, not even an ounce of love for yourself. And so you feel as if it goes to waste, the blonde slipping through your fingers right in front of you.

How are you meant to take care of her, your responsibilities around the coven when you couldn't even take care of yourself these past few weeks. Everything felt like too much, eating, smiling, talking, breathing, existing. Could it be worse? you think to yourself before more tears stream down your cheeks.

,,Y/N?'' you hear a knock on the door a while later and instantly flinch. With a quick movement you wipe your tears, mumbling a quick ,,Come in'' before the door opens and quickly shuts again. There she stands, your sunshine, glancing around the room, trying to adjust her eyes, considering how dark it is in here. Cordelia takes in the state of your room, surprised how neat it looks, considering the circumstances and with a flick of her wrist she makes the blinds move, allowing sunlight to stream through the dark room and replacing it with light.

Squinting your eyes shut, you hear Cordelia moving closer to you, taking in your form of sitting on your bed, cross legged, oversized hoodie and sweatpants. She hadn't seen you like this before and she didn't know what to do. ,,How are you feeling, darling?'' she asks carefully, her thumb reaching for your cheek and caressing it gently. Melting into her touch, you feel the warmth radiating off her, sending a little shiver through your cold body and it doesn't go unnoticed by the supreme. ,,Are you sick darling?'' she asks gently but you shake your head no. ,,All fine Delia'' you reassure her, with a smile that took all your strength to force.

However she could tell, tell that there was something wrong, your presence felt cold, dark, as if some invisible force had taken over your once happy and smiling form. She missed you so much, even though she wouldn't admit it, she missed teaching with you, having you sit in her office, sleeping in the same bed as you. She missed messing around in the greenhouse with you, she missed you. ,,Darling?'' she asks, bringing your attention towards the blonde again. ,,Can-'' but she stops herself, her own anxiety betraying her. You meet her features, brushing a strand of blonde hair from her perfect features.

,,What is it, love?'' you ask, the petname sending shivers down her spine as her heart aches, missing your presence so much. ,,When are you coming back to me?'' she asks, barely above a whisper, a tear spilling down her cheeks but you are quick to catch it. ,,I'm right here my love, always'' you promise, trying your best not to fall apart as you pull her into your arms, feeling terrible for causing her any form of pain.

Cordelia stays like this for a while, holding onto you tightly as if each day you keep slipping further from her grasp. And you didn't want to let her go, not now, not ever, too in love with her to ever let go. She pulls away after a while, meeting your eyes as they plead with you, beg you to say something, anything she could work with, anything she could do to fix this. But you remain silent, wiping her tears, kissing her wobbling chin. ,,Will you at least come to dinner later? please Y/N'' she urges and you couldn't deny her of that, not after everything. So you simply nod as you watch her leave, whispering a quiet ,,I love you Delia'' as she leaves, barely audible but audible enough for the supreme to hear you.

And right there, you decide you want to try, for her. Moving your tired legs out of bed, you walk over to the bathroom, grabbing some actual clothes, before stepping into the shower. Hoping the warm water could at least momentarily rid you from the cold that you have been feeling. As the water drips down your body, you can't help but notice how fragile you feel, legs wobbling, hands trembling as you attempt to wash your hair. And it suddenly dawns on you, how long you had skipped dinner, barely ate when you attended. As you step out of the shower a little while later, drying off the remaining water droplets, you walk over to the sink.

The reflection in the mirror scares you a little, your tired eyes, the bags underneath them and how pale you look. The colour of your face almost matching the white tiles in your bathroom. ,,Delia'' you remind yourself, how you want to be strong for her and so with whatever energy you have left, you dry your hair, brush the knots out and change into some clothes. A little while later, you wander the academy, a few girls smiling at you emphatically, not having seen you in a while. Your tired feet take you to the garden, the greenhouse eventually, having missed the calm environment and how it would usually cheer you up. You find some discarded rose petals and as you close your eyes you make them bloom into a beautiful white rose again.

A little while later, you find yourself in front of Cordelia's office, with shaking hands knocking on the door and entering. She looks tired, you think to yourself, as she types away on her computer, assuming it's one of the girls needing something but when she realises it's you, her features beam with the biggest smile, quickly turning into a proud one as she notices your change of outfit, clean hair and her heart melts a little as she sees you approaching with a white rose and cup in your hand. ,,For you'' you muster up your best smile, placing it gently on her desk, she ignores the trembling of your hands and simply whispers a grateful ,,Thank you sweetheart'' feeling slightly flustered with the sudden attention.

For a moment the two of you stand there, in silence, the cup of tea forming little steam patterns in the air. A part of you considers it again, filling her in but the voice having the upper hand again and Cordelia can tell that you are fighting some sort of internal battle but she didn't want to push, pry, wanting to be a safe place for you to go to, whenever you needed it and you decided it was time. ,,I don't want to keep you'' you eventually break the silence and as the words fall from your mouth, you notice the sadness in her eyes. ,,You aren't keeping me sweetheart'' she reassures, wanting so badly for you to stay.

In that moment it dawns on you, how much you had actually missed her, how far you had pulled away from her and for how long. The extend seems to hit you in the face like a slap from reality and suddenly you long for her, her warmth, her body and her presence. ,,Can I-?'' you begin but the words get caught in your throat, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. ,,Come here sweetheart'' she ushers and without hesitation, you ignore the voice, walking over to her and positioning yourself in her lap, just like the old times. And you melt, right into her soothing touch.

,,I've missed you in here'' she admits after a while, trailing her fingers through your hair. Your eyes meet hers, acknowledging her statement without words. The worry is evident in her features, she can now see clearly how tired you are, having retreated to your own bedroom a while ago, rather than staying in hers. She notices how pale you are, how you feel lighter in her lap. And for a moment she wonders, whether there was more she had missed, whether she should have done more, prevent you from slipping away. She didn't want to overwhelm you, and so she tried a gentler approach but it dawns on her right there, as you lay in her lap that maybe she needed to do more.

The exhaustion creeps up on you in the end as you listened to her talk a while ago about how she has got you, that you are safe and that whatever was bothering you, you could always tell her, you eventually finally fell asleep. The old friend greeting you gently and coaxing you into a soft slumber. She didn't move an inch, being able to tell by your tired eyes how you haven't had any sleep lately, wanting so badly to give you at least a little rest. And as she watches your chest rising and falling softly, muffled little sounds escaping you, she smiles contently, having missed these moments more than anything.

,,Sweetheart?'' you hear her angelic voice, gently coaxing you away from sleep and into reality again. ,,I'm sorry to wake you but it's dinner'' she mumbles as you blink open your eyes, noticing how her office was suddenly much darker. You avert her gaze, feeling embarassed to have kept her in the same spot for so long. She presses a gentle kiss to your forehead, before taking your hand, giving you a few moments to adjust to your surroundings before, gently guiding you towards the dining room for dinner.

Anxiety creeps up on you, as you take in the view of all the witches, chatting contently, talking about all sorts of topics that you had missed lately. You hesitantly take a seat next to Zoe, Cordelia on the other side, Madison across from you. The brunette smiles as she sees you, having missed your presence. You feel their gazes on you, especially Cordelia's as you mostly push your food from one end of your plate to the other. Wanting to try so hard for her, you even force some food down your throat, pushing away the lingering voice in your head. It quietens down eventually, most of the witches leaving and only a couple left, including the supreme and the others sitting around you.

,,Aren't we going to talk about this?'' Madison eventually begins, gesturing towards you.

,,Stop'' Zoe shakes her head, meeting her with a serious expression.

,,Talk about what Madison?'' Cordelia exclaims, the anger dripping from her voice.

,,There is nothing to talk about'' Zoe scolds, quickly shutting the blonde up, Madison simply shrugs and walks off, lighting a cigarette on her way out.

Cordelia's concerned eyes meet yours, fixed on your plate, obviously knowing what Madison was implying. You take a deep breath before waiting for Zoe to finish and leave, taking yours and Cordelia's plate before cleaning them and walking away. ,,Good job Madison'' Zoe mumbles as she watches you walk away.

,,Darling?'' you hear her angelic voice as you make it to the top of the stairs, as she takes quick steps to catch up with you.

,,Are you okay?'' she asks, worry evident in her brown orbs.

,,I'm sorry for what Madison said'' she begins but you quickly shake your head ,,Don't worry about it Delia, I'm just tired'' you admit.

Her lips twitch a little and you knew exactly what she wanted to ask. Whether you would stay with her, just for the night of course, because she had missed you so much but you couldn't bear it not tonight. ,,Good night Dee'' you mumble with a weak smile before returning to your bedroom.

It's about midnight when you make your way into the bathroom, you had tossed and turned for hours. Not being able to retreat to the comfort of sleep, usually it meaning you could forget for several hours, before you would wake in the morning. Those were the worst and you didn't know what you prefered more, the not sleeping and being up with your thoughts or actually sleeping, only to then wake up and for a split second everything being okay before reality crept back and burdening you with the heavy thoughts, lingering on your mind.

Your mind is burning as your feet come into contact with the cold tile floor, it feels like the thoughts are leaving angry marks on your brain, a buzzing constantly following you everywhere. And eventually it got too much, too loud and so you did the only thing you knew would give you comfort in that moment. As the blade dances angrily across your skin, leaving marks, you feel some relief but only for a few seconds as when the dance comes to a full stop, you feel the burning pain it leaves you with. You thought initially it would help, to shush the thoughts, to give you some sort of relief but somehow it only made it worse, guilt consuming you as you hadn't done this in years, the old scars barely visible anymore.

But Delia you think to yourself as tears stream down your face , Delia didn't like them, Delia would kiss them, her eyes would linger on them, her fingers would gently brush over them. She couldn't stand seeing you in pain, despite the old pain fading but how would you ever explain this? Maybe this was just what you are worth? Pain, exhaustion, nothing, a burden? You can't think clearly and so in your state, you walk over to the sink, discarding the blade in the sink, staining it red as you let some cold water run over your wrists, another painful reminder of your actions. Throwing on a hoodie, you pace in your bedroom, despite your tired bones begging you to let go and try to sleep.

But you couldn't, the thoughts too loud and keeping you awake. And then suddenly, you find yourself wandering the halls of the academy, first thinking about heading to Madison to borrow some cigarettes, then thinking about retreating to the safety of the greenhouse but suddenly you find yourself knocking on Cordelia's door, entering despite her not replying yet. As you enter her room, you are greeted by the smell of chamomile, vanilla and honey- home. A little light source guiding your eyes towards the bed, her in her usual spot and if your mind wasn't so loud, you would have noticed how the little nightlight was on your night table, where you would usually sleep as she always hoped you would come back to her.

She shuffles then, her beautiful features creasing as she sees you standing there, instantly sitting up, revealing her black flowery nightgown. Her hair looks a little messy from sleep and you could scold yourself for having woken her in the first place. ,,Sweetheart?'' she whispers, blinking the sleep away. ,,Delia'' you whisper, containing your tears, trying so hard to push that voice, those thoughts away. ,,Are you okay?'' she asks, her voice tinged with concern and fear. You pause a moment, unsure whether you should just go back but something within you longs for her, longs for your sunshine. ,,Can I- please maybe - stay here?'' you stutter, the words coming out muffled.

Delia instantly stands up, walking over and reaching for your hand, guiding you right to that spot she had kept the light on for you all this time. ,,Come here sweetheart'' she coaxes as she lays you down beside her, tucking you in before opening her arms, inviting but not forcing you in. And you comply, of course you comply as Delia stopped the thoughts, Delia always stopped anything bad. And as her arms wrap around you fully, you cry, you sob into her arms and you can't stop. You didn't deserve her, how could you ever deserve her? You had nothing to repay her kindness, beauty and sunshine with. At least you think that, if Delia knew she would scold you, pointing out all your kindness, your beauty and reminding you that you are her sunshine.

The blonde stays awake that night, not daring to let you slip through her grasp again, she holds you as you sob, coaxing you out of it eventually, before rocking and shushing you to sleep. And she watches over you, like your own guardian angel, letting you sleep in, not caring about the classes that needed teaching, witches that needed breakfast, you her sole care, her only responsibility for now. And as the morning sun eventually coats your features, the bright sensation causing you to force your eyes shut but inevitably waking up, your Delia is right there, greeting you with the warmest, softest smile. ,,Good morning darling'' she greets you warmly, brushing some strands of hair from your face. And you smile then, genuinely smile as you had missed this. Missed her.

Somehow your night with Cordelia seemed to have, momentarily, coaxed you out of this hole. That day she convinced you to come down for breakfast for the first time in months, beforehand having a conversation with Madison that you had no knowledge of but assumed it deep down as none of the witches questioned you or gave you those funny looks. The second day that week you even joined her in the greenhouse, teaching a potion class with her, and as the two of you smile and teach away, you both got lost in the moment, finding yourself in the familiarity of your chemistry and adoration for each other and your passion again. On the third day, she somehow convinced you to eat a full dinner, away from prying eyes as she fixed you up your favourite after everyone had gone to bed.

Most importantly to Cordelia, you stayed with her again, even at nights and despite not much happening, you still not revealing anything that had been going on, at least she could be there to hold you close. The rest of the week went by quickly, as you slowly found your way back into your routine and old habits again, the weight and darkness slowly lifted, with each gentle smile from Cordelia, each gentle hand lingering on you somewhere. But the darkness wasn't gone and by Friday, the supreme had this nagging feeling she couldn't shake. She wanted to do something nice for you tonight, a reward for you for doing so well this week but you kept insisting you are tired, not wanting her to run you the bath for the two of you and ushering her to go to sleep.

But the nagging feeling lingered on the supremes mind, even the day after as the puzzle pieces were so obvious or at least they should have been but she still couldn't connect them or maybe she didn't want to connect them. The thought of the truth too painful, for her to even consider it. You aren't sure whether it was her hovering or how much this week had actually drained you but as the weekend arrived, you found yourself in the familiar darkness again. And you didn't understand, couldn't comprehend why it always found its way back, despite laying in bed with the love of your life, her soft snores filling the emptiness of the night. Why did it always come back? why was every single day so exhausting? and why was everything hurting?

Your mind raced with questions and thoughts again, causing the all too familiar burning in your brain again, and this time you find yourself retreating to your own room again, quiet hushed steps as you make it to your bedroom, shortly after the bathroom yet again. You couldn't do it for a second longer, the pain too strong, the darkness completely surrounding you. You tried so hard, thinking of all the good things in your life, your witchcraft ability, the people around you, your friends that you mostly consider family and most importantly your Delia but it didn't work. The thoughts and darkness having the upper hand and holding you tight in its grasp and so with desperate, almost pathetic sobs, you find yourself on the bathroom floor again, a familiar dance on your wrist.

However this time it was much more intense than the week before, you didn't just want to rid yourself of the thoughts and pain momentarily, something within your brain told you to end it right here and then, lifting the burden from your tired self and at the same time ridding everyone of the burden of your presence. You couldn't think clearly anymore, you couldn't block the thoughts out and replace them with positive ones. You couldn't focus on your breathing anymore, you couldn't remember the techniques Delia had shown you. You couldn't control your grip on the blade, making sure it wasn't too deep. You couldn't breathe, you couldn't see as your vision was left blurry from tears. You couldn't survive this, not this time, the voice reminds you.

Despite your darkest moment, raw and open at war with your mind, she lingers somewhere, maybe your heart, maybe your head, maybe your soul. Delia. And with a force that makes no sense to you, isn't something you could ever explain you drop the blade, lifting your tired feet off the cold floor, leaving a blood trail as you find the light again, the all too familiar light in Cordelia's room. As the door bursts open, your trembling hands not in control to open the door with any care or gentleness anymore, she almost jumps out of bed, seeing your state.

,,Y/N'' she cries softly, seeing your tear stained face, blood stained wrists.

,,Sweetheart what's wrong?'' her voice shakes now, a moment ago just having you next to her.

,,Delia I-'' you begin, mind too loud to word this in any way that would be acceptable. ,,I- I can't do this anymore'' you simply lay the truth out in front of her.

,,O- Okay sweetheart, it's okay, I've got you'' she reassures, quickly walking over to you, taking your trembling hands into her own.

She guides you to the bathroom, quickly ushering you to sit on the edge of the bathtub. With trembling hands she lifts your sleeves, exposing the battle you had fought not that long ago. It pains her more than she could ever let on and as you search her eyes for any sign of anger or disgust, all you seem to find is love, empathy and sadness. Her eyes flicker between yours, the medicine cabinet and her own hands. She could fix this in an instant, with a flick of her wrist she could make this go away but she didn't know what you wanted, what you needed in that moment.

,,Sweetie?'' she tries, wiping the tears from your face, her own face inches apart.

,,Can I take this pain from you please?'' she asks in a serious tone, her chin wobbling.

And that's it, all the words to finally make you fall apart, make her see your pain, open yourself up to her. ,,Please make it all go away Delia'' you plead, not talking about the blood or the cuts, but the pain, the thoughts, the loud and the darkness.

,,Okay my sweet girl'' she coos and as her hand lingers over your wrists, it's all gone as if it was never there before.

However the pain in your head remained and you knew she couldn't take that away. With a swift motion, she takes you into her arms, sitting you gently on the bed, helping you into some of her clothes, before forcing you to drink some water. ,,My brave girl, I need you to talk to me, can you do that?'' she asks as she sits cross legged in front of you, holding your hands into her own, searching your eyes.

As you look up, you see her blonde curls, perfect features, so concerned, so sad, so worried. And it dawns on you then how pathetic this all was, how pathetic you are, bothering her with your pain, projecting your pain onto her. The voice quickly takes the upper hand, reminding you yet again how easy it would be to disappear. But this time Cordelia can tell, as all the puzzle pieces finally connected, she knew now what battle you are facing or bits of it and she wasn't going to let you do it alone for a second longer.

,,Sweetie, talk to me'' she ushers, squeezing your hand a little and pulling you away from the voice, right towards her. ,,I wanted to-'' you begin but you can't dare finish your sentence, not ever being able to say those words to Cordelia, the kindest, gentle person you knew. ,,Disappear?'' she asks, surprisingly having been there before herself. And your eyes widen then and she notices, cupping your cheeks gently. ,,Everything is loud and everything is scary and then I got close'' you admit under tears ,,But then I thought of you and I came here'' you explain. She cries now, uncontrollably she sobs into your chest and you sit there frozen, hating yourself for ever bringing this up in the first place.

But she looks at you then ,,Sweetie, I'm so proud of you'' she speaks after composing herself a little and realising that you needed her in this moment. ,,You found me when- when you thought you couldn't do it anymore and that'' she begins, making you look into her eyes as she carries on ,,That is one of the bravest things I have ever seen'' she admits, eyes filled with genuine and truth. You take a deep breath and it comes out shaky as the tears return and she simply pulls you into her chest, leaning her head on your shoulder, holding you and definitely not letting go now, understanding the full extend of your pain.

The two of you stay like this for a long time, you aren't sure how long exactly but when you open your eyes next, you see Delia's tear stained face, her pained smile as she sees you awake. ,,Delia - I'm sorry'' you admit, searching her brown eyes. Her eyebrows furrow then ,,I'm sorry for making you sad'' you admit, your features filled with guilt. She smiles then, in that adorable way, that little smile she would give you when you said something silly. ,,Y/N you have done nothing wrong, you have done all the right things'' she reassures before meeting your eyes. After a moment, you begin fiddling with the sleeves of your shirt, and Delia can tell you are about to ask something that will make you nervous. ,,What's going to happen now Dee?'' you ask, voice shaky, hands trembling a little.

She smiles again then as she meets your eyes, her eyes still focused on yours ,,Now my darling, I'm just going to hold you, is that okay?'' you simply nod as tears fill your vision. And the two of you knew it wasn't what you meant. But Cordelia wasn't sure yet, she knows you need some help but she wasn't sure which care and path would be right for you. ,,Now, I'm not going anywhere and I just want to love you, will you let me do that?'' she asks and your heart aches then. All you can do is nod and she kisses you then, her soft lips meeting yours and both of you can taste the pain then, tears still streaming down your cheeks.

For several hours, the two of you stay in Cordelia's bed, taking turns between holding each other, crying into each other, kissing each other. Delia quite literally kissed your pain away, at least for now. By the end of the night you almost forget the pain and that morning after you wake up in her arms, the forgetting lasts a bit longer than a second. Because all you can focus on, are her beautiful features, sleeping peacefully beside you. You had promised her that night that you will get better, will let her take you to an appointment to get help, after she explained you that it's just like a physical injury that needed treatment. And you trust her of course, wanting to learn from your mistakes and be better for her but also for yourself.

And so as the little light in her bedroom is replaced by the sun rising, casting a soft golden glow on the white room, you know that Delia will always guide you home. For now she replaced all the doubts, fears, guilt and bad thoughts. And you know they would come back but at least Delia, your sunshine would be there, helping you through it all. ,,I love you'' she whispers sleepily as she begins waking up, the two of you simply soaking in each other's warmth that morning, and you know while she's around she will always guide you home.

[sunoooism]

I was down ; you picked me up

› summary: in which Taehyun finds you in a pit of despair and helps you climb out.

› angst, comfort / wc: 1,628

 › warnings: mental health issues, self doubting thoughts, suicidal thoughts/intentions, eating disorder & depression, crying, mentions of throwing up, angst, comfort ending, some sort of higher education au (they live in dormitories), if you're ever feeling like this please reach out to someone (my dms r open), I'm not at all romanticising this kind of behaviour but it's comfort writing and very much self indulgent, don't read if you don't like, gn!reader.

everything around you felt dull and dark, felt like it was suffocating you, dragging you down into its grey mass. it had this horrible feeling of loneliness splashed into the mix, filling up your lungs until you were drowning in it. and what was worse, nobody cared enough to pull you out. you supposed it was nobody's fault but your own though. summer was the chance you had been waiting for, the chance to erase yourself. unanswered texts, missed calls and unreturned letters piled up for too long and eventually your friends stopped trying all together. it hurt, but you had achieved your motive in the end, so you didn't understand why you felt so unpleasantly about it. unfortunately rumours were now circling about the school, the hot new subject being that you thought you were too good for your old friends and that's why you ghosted them. ironic, your mind that loved to torture you so with your low self esteem was laughing at you. yet, today you didn't seem to care enough to express it outwardly.

hair askew, uniform crinkled, eyebags that felt ever so heavy, you dragged yourself to the library. earning a few glares and nudges on your way, you had guessed they were fueled by the rumours. and despite looking worse than death itself, no one seemed to notice the longing for it behind your lifeless eyes. as you passed through the many hallways, you spotted your friends, now ex friends, all laughing together through a window. the usual numbness you felt was replaced by a wave of hurt that almost swallowed you whole when you saw how unaffected they were by your absence, even though you knew you didn't have the right to, not after you purposely cut them off. although there were many students blocking your view of them, Soobin still managed to clock you gazing at them with wistful longing and regret.

in an act of panic you jumped at his sudden attention and sped away from them, but not before you heard Kai call your name. fortunately for you a study period was last on your schedule, so you made your way to your dorm, trying to look as inconspicuous as one could when speed walking away from a group of people. the footsteps managed to follow you through buzzing crowds until you reached the hall of which your dorm was located, you breathed a sigh of relief when you could no longer hear their thundering stomps.

warm tears were already making their way down your cheeks by the time you'd collapsed on your bed and hidden yourself amongst the many blankets and cushions sitting upon it. you let your sadness consume you once again, choking on your gasps and sniffles.

your room was your only outlet of peace, every student at the school knew that, which is why you didn't understand why someone was now banging on your door when they were meant to be in class anyway. you didn't have the energy nor the care to open the door. not leaving your dorm in three and a half days had made you feel like jelly whenever you moved, that and all those days depriving yourself of food, water and daylight didn't help either. you had hoped it was punishment enough for pushing your friends away, but apparently something in your body wanted for you to suffer more, curled up in your bed staring at a blank wall until you fell asleep. the showers and the cookie basket your mother sent were calling to you, almost as inviting as a siren song. but with most things these days you couldn't find it in yourself to want to or care enough.

the incessant knocking on your door continued, as well as the now overuse of your name being called. in all honesty the thought of someone seeing you like this made you want to throw up, probably what they would do at the sight of you. ah, your mind was torturing you again, enough to make you teeter and sway at the edge, but never enough to push you over and watch you tumble down until you hit rock bottom.

you heard your doorknob turn and someone walk in. you thought you had locked your door? not knowing who it was you were ready for some judgemental looks being thrown your way when they saw your state. you were hoping it was an axe murderer coming to end your pathetic and dreary life but apparently not as kang taehyun was all who flooded your vision.

"y/n, what the fuck? everyone thought you were dead" the sentence had come out more venomous than he'd of liked, but right now it was hard to sound soft as he stared at his friend looking like they'd been drained of all life.

"might as well be" your throaty response came out quiet, but he heard, and it broke his heart more than when you'd dumped him right before summer. though it was the first time he'd heard you speak in 9 weeks, he could hear all the self loathing and resentment your tone held. taehyun laid a hand on your arm, rubbing soothing circles that spread the first warmth you'd felt in weeks through your body, then he asked the question everyone who felt like you dreaded and hoped for at the same time.

"are you okay?"

somehow, you still had enough fluids in you to push down your stoic barrier and let everything pour out. tears began to stream down your cheeks, which only worried the boy that knelt beside you further. "y/n?" the call of your name passed right through you, too busy gasping between sobs to acknowledge he was talking to you.

"y/n? can you sit up for me?" his tone was mellow, just as soft as his touch that had now trailed down to your hands. you supposed he didn't want to upset you more than you already were by sounding angry. despite the gnawing thought of wanting to curl up in a ball and die because someone had seen you like this, you manoeuvred your body languidly so you could lean against the wall, because you knew that this was best for you right now.

after a moment of putting the deep breathing exercises Yeonjun had taught you to good use, a tissue was held in front of you. your shaky hand reached out and grasped it, barely strong enough to hold it up to your face.

"i'm sorry" the words escaped you before you could even choose to say them, a frown etching its way onto taehyun's brows when he heard. "why are you apologising?"

"I-" the words died in your throat once you realised you weren't quite sure why, was it because you dumped him? because of the fact you ignored him all summer only for him to be the person comforting you at your lowest? both?.

"you don't have to apologise for feeling things'' you didn't quite know how to respond to that. your lack of reply gave him another opening to speak. "do you want to talk more about it after some food and a shower?" nodding hesitantly, you followed his slow movements to walk towards the door, planning to grab clean clothes and a towel on the way. that plan was quickly brushed to the back of your mind when your vision clouded over with black spots, weakening you until you collapsed back onto your bed with a shaky breath that alerted taehyun to your troubles.

"woah, you alright? want me to grab a nurse?" all that followed was a brisk shake of your head and tears making their home under your lash line once again.

stupid. you couldn't even walk right.

"i'm sorry" you squeaked out, voice quivery with the sniffles. "hey, it's okay. there's no need for apologies over this, yeah?" your body sought out refuge as it leant into his palm he had placed gently on your cheek, his affection burning your skin with the familiar warmth that had always come to you when the two of you were dating. you wondered how he felt about all this, watching his ex fall apart multiple times in ten minutes for a reason that was unknown to him. god, you must have looked stupid.

"i'm sorry, taehyun" you finally spoke after an awkward silence, both waiting for the other to say something. "hey, what did I just-"

"no. it's, it's not for that," he watched you carefully, as if he looked too hard you might crack under his gaze. you hated that, but nevertheless you were grateful he cared. "i'm sorry for ignoring you this summer, it wasn't fair to you, or to anyone else I ditched. I just, I want you to know it wasn't because of you. i just thought it might hurt less for you and me when i…."

the rest was caught in your throat as you couldn't bring yourself to say it in front of him, the boy who'd said he would give you the whole world if he could. the boy who treated you like royalty every minute you spent together, the boy who used to love you more than anything else. the boy who still does love you more than anything else. he didn't deserve to hear what you were about to say.

"when you..?" one glance up into his curious brown eyes was all it took for him to understand. you could see him trying to mask the pain for your sake, hiding it so you didn't feel guilty. but you already did.

"i'm sor-" you were promptly interrupted when taehyun spoke over you, eyes gazing fondly into yours. "hey,"

"no more sorries, 'k?"

[aubyrei]

okay so. drdt ep 8 spoilers under the cut, also please check the tags for tws - a lot of the motives are quite sensitive so please beware!!

last night after the ep, my friend (hi @sentinel-kinjo) and i tried to see if we could connect the motives to the characters. ill explain the reasoning for down below. those that don't have a character next to them means i don't have enough info to be able to pinpoint on who that motive belongs to, even using process of elimination

ace - your body is falling apart but you still refuse to eat

there is a lot of evidence to support this. ace has a low bmi, didn't eat the cake in chapter 1 and has been said to like low-calorie foods in QnAs. ive seen some people throw around arturo due to his body image standards, but he doesn't seem to care much about himself specifically appealing to beauty standards, and was also one of the people who ate the cake in chapter 1.

??? - ever since you kissed her, you were afraid your sexuality would ruin your friendships

im not sure about this one at all- but using process of elimination, and the context, it is definitely one of the girls. the ones i didn't put anywhere are min, hu and eden, so it's probably one of them? i honestly don't really have any basis for pin pointing any of them as this one. maybe we should all collectively comb over ch1 to see who the biggest girl kisser is

j and arei's motives are canon, so i won't go over those

xander - you're constantly blaming yourself for the death of your parents and siblings, it doesn't matter that it's not your fault, just that you didn't go with them

pretty self explanatory, honestly.. we have many examples in the story of xander suffering from survivors guilt. his secret quote also speaks of survivors guilt. i feel like this is the only one that could fit him.

whit - your mother is dead, you always omit that truth

whit speaks highly of his mother, even having dyed his hair because of her. he does omit the truth also when trying to guess what his secret is during ch2, he doesn't speak about his mother being dead at all. his secret quote is also "we tend to idolize the dead" which goes hand in hand with both his motive and the very strong admiration he has for his mom.

charles' is canon, so skip

veronika - you only took on your talent to distract yourself for the incessant need to harm yourself for fun

i won't speak very much on this one, but she fits. the thing she dislikes the most is boredom. she seeks thrill in horror and dark media. it's possible that her talent has helped her heal from these tendencies.

david - you were quite the hopeless child. dying once wasn't enough, so you attempted suicide three times.

ive seen many different guesses on this one, but david is honestly the only one that i feel works completely. his secret is "i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i wish you'd just die." i hate you is notably repeated three times. this might seem like a reach but i think its also worth noting that when David mentioned that his secret was a family history about depression, nobody corrected him. i feel like if he had lied, or if his secret was something completely disconnected from said depression, the person who had his motive would've stood up and called out his bullshit. but three suicide attempts and depression are not unrelated. i think he was vague about the details of his depression due to his own discomfort talking about these subjects.

rose and nico are canon, so skip

teruko - how could i even select what secret to be your motive? just about everything you've done in your life is worth killing for. the killing game is your fault.

pretty self explanatory. teruko herself says she has too many secrets and doesn't know what they could possibly use against her. don't think anything but this fits

so the remaining ones are levi, arturo, hu, eden, and min. i can't seem to pinpoint these three anywhere due to lack of info... if you guys have any guesses pls let me know :> i love theorizing!!

[arainbowofchaos]

Seven Moons : Monday, The Crystal Moon

In a world where each day of the week is governed by a different moon, two passionate souls try to embrace a love beyond the boundaries of time. Will they have to give up their love to preserve the cosmic balance?

Tags/Warnings: Idol!Jungkook, Shy!Reader. Taehyung is Reader’s and JK’s mutual friend. A bit of unrequited love on Taehyung’s behalf. Impossible love. Strangers to lovers. Romance. It's kind of a Fantasy AU as each moon has an influence on the characters' destinies. Also reader's sister passed away. Mention of suicide, depression, grief.

Length: 2.4k words

A/N: I haven’t written in ages so please be kind as english isn’t my first language. I'm 28 and should probably do something else with my life but I have an injury and it's all I can do right now. Also the fantasy aspect of the story will be more pronounced in the upcoming chapters. (7 chapters, obviously)

--

It's midnight, and the week has begun. You gaze at the moon by your window with a sense of inquiry, wondering what the day has in store for you. Little do you know that your destiny is about to change forever. For now, you’re lying in bed and you just can't fall asleep; you feel too anxious.

Your phone vibrates on the bedside table making you startle. The light emanating from it illuminates the room. You wonder who could be writing to you at this late hour, and you reach out automatically to grab your phone. You can read Taehyung's name on your screen.

“Hello beauty. See you tonight! I hope you're ready to live the best night of your life!”

You smile at his message because you know how happy he is to take you to his friend Jungkook's concert. Taehyung is one of those people who really love to please others. He's aware of the hardships you have faced recently. He also knows you've been listening to Jungkook's songs on YouTube non-stop. It's only natural for him to suggest going to this concert with you.

You reply, "I can't wait, I hope I won't embarrass myself. Counting on you to get us backstage, haha."

Maybe you're a bit nervous about going. You love listening to Jungkook so much, ever since Taehyung shared one of his videos on Instagram a few months ago. You've watched all of his videos on repeat. You know every single one of his songs by heart. It's almost embarrassing how obsessive you've become, but it genuinely brings you joy. It's been a source of happiness in your life, and in the end, you're not hurting anyone by enjoying his music. At least that’s what you tell yourself.

If you hadn't been able to find comfort in music, you honestly don't know where you would be today. You feel like you've been living a waking nightmare lately. Your heart tightens as you think of your sister, who passed away six months ago, leaving you alone with eternal unanswered questions. She left on her own terms, but you never gave your consent. How are you supposed to go on without her? 

Soon enough, Tae's response pulls you out of your negative thoughts.

"I'll do my best, I promise :)"

You sigh, feeling relieved. At least you know he'll be there with you, and with that thought alone, you manage to slow down the pounding of your heart, drifting off to sleep almost peacefully.

–

The stage is outdoors, and the night is slowly falling. You can already admire the moon, a thin crescent that you can barely make out. Taehyung places his hand on your shoulder and asks, "Are you okay?" He wants you to release the pressure. After everything you've been through lately, you deserve it. You smile at him and nod, as if to let him know that you're ready to let go tonight. It's just that everything feels almost unreal, and you find it hard to believe that you're not dreaming. 

Taehyung makes a phone call, and you can hear him talk to someone, "We just arrived, do you think you can get us to the front row? Okay thank you JK!" 

Everything happens very quickly after that phone call; a man in a suit comes to get you both and lead you through the crowd. There must be around 500 people. Jungkook already has a dedicated fan base; he's been successful for about a year, and the phenomenon only seems to be growing. Taehyung holds your hand to ensure you follow him closely without getting lost. Your hand is sweaty with excitement. You can barely believe your luck to be able to see your idol sing from such a close distance in just a few moments.

You finally manage to reach the front row when the spotlights illuminate the stage, and Jungkook appears before your eyes. A magnetic aura emanates from him, capturing your attention. He has this natural charisma that captivates you. He's dressed in jeans, a white t-shirt, and a denim jacket. As he steps onto the stage, greeted by the cheers and applause of the crowd, you can't help but find him handsome. The electric excitement fills the air as the music unleashes its power. Your heart tightens, and you wish you could have shared this moment with your sister. 

Soon enough, you feel a shiver run through your body as Jungkook's enchanting voice penetrates your soul. It's been ages since you've felt such relief. The weight of the world has lifted from your shoulders, and your mind finally feels at ease again. You've decided that you're going to have fun and you start singing in harmony with Jungkook and the crowd. You wave at Taehyung, as if to thank him for accompanying you. He seems to be enjoying himself too, judging by his little jumps. You giggle as you watch him, and you recognize how lucky you are to have a friend like him.

–

Your adrenaline starts to subside as the spotlights just turned off. The concert just ended after two encores, and the night has completely fallen. Jungkook just gave a 2-hour performance. Is it even humanly possible to exhibit such energy? You have so much admiration for his talent that you feel your heart could explode with emotions.

Taehyung asks if you want to go back home. You shake your head with a pout on your face "Maybe let's try to meet him if he's okay with it?" you suggest. A broad smile appears on his face. He was teasing you, knowing that you wouldn’t want to leave right away. He promised to take you backstage, and he intends to keep his word.

As the crowd starts to disperse slowly, you see Tae taps on his phone. After a moment, he says,"Jungkook suggests that we meet outside for a drink. It's too crazy here, what do you think?" 

"Are you sure?" You hesitate. "I don't want to bother him; he's your friend."

Tae reassures you, "If he's suggesting it, it's probably because he's still pumped up from the concert and wants to wind down slowly, grabbing a drink is perfect."

"Okay, let's do it then!" You look so happy; it's been months since Tae has seen that expression on your face. He wishes he could freeze time to keep you like this forever. Your happiness is contagious. He could bring you the moon, literally, just to see your smile.

–

You've just arrived at the bar. You prefer to sit on the terrace as it's quieter there. Inside, the music is pumping, and you're hoping to have a chance to chat with your idol. You find a table and order two beers. Jungkook will join later as he always helps with the cleanup after a concert. He's more than just a decent human being; he's the definition of an angel you think.

You're almost done with your beer when the purring of a motorcycle catches your attention. You can't help but turn your head. The sight is too cool: a handsome young man, perched on a Yamaha motorcycle, dressed in black leather. He takes off his helmet, and a mane of black hair cascades out. You try to stay calm as you recognize your favorite singer.

The man gets off the motorcycle and after a few moments, he approaches your table. 

Taehyung welcomes him with a big hug, and the two men exchange warm words.

"Sorry for arriving so late," he says. He turns to you, and for the first time, his eyes meet yours directly. You find it hard to breathe properly. "Nice to meet you, you must be Y/N, I'm Jungkook," 

He is so handsome. In real life. Up close. You smile and try to say in return, “Thank you for coming.. after such a concert…You were incredible by the way.” Your cheeks flush as you say those last words. You hear Jungkook chuckle, in an absolutely adorable way. His gaze becomes warm, and a broad smile forms on his face. "I'm glad you enjoyed it," he simply replies.

"We had a blast!” Taehyung adds “You rock on stage, my friend. It was cool to see you like that. How are you doing?"

The two men start a conversation, and you observe from the sidelines. You can't bring yourself to speak; there's just too much emotion inside you. Jungkook orders another round of beers. Eventually, Taehyung excuses himself to go to the restroom, leaving you alone with your idol. Your eyes haven't stopped gazing at him. He can feel it, and it amuses him, to be honest. He doesn't see you as a fan; you're his friend's friend. Or at least, that’s what he’d like to find out.

"You and Tae?” He asks with curiosity. “Are you friends, or something more? He has never introduced me to a female friend before." His pierced eyebrow raises, and somehow he becomes even more attractive that way.

You shake your head a bit too vigorously. "We're just friends." you state.

"Ah, that's a good thing," he chuckles again, nodding and finishing his beer in one gulp.

You're confused. He leans closer to you across the table and whispers, "You haven't been talking much. I can sense that you're nervous. You don't need to be. I'm just as intimidated as you, that's why I'm drinking." You can hear him laugh at himself, and you smile at his honesty. He's so genuine. You begin to feel yourself relaxing.

A long conversation about music ensues between you. He asks you about your favorite song, and you argue with such passion that he feels flattered. He can tell that you genuinely care about his music. He finds it adorable that after just two beers, you're almost tipsy. Your cheeks are rosy, and your eyes struggle to meet his intense gaze. He playfully teases you because he can.

Taehyung has returned, but neither of you has paid any attention to his presence. He senses the chemistry that developed during those 5 minutes of absence, and he is genuinely happy for you. However, he also feels a tinge of jealousy. He doesn't want to deprive you of this moment. He genuinely wants your happiness. Taking advantage of a brief moment of silence, he suggests that the three of you go dancing together. Jungkook accepts with enthusiasm. You decide to go along with it.

The music resonates inside. You can feel the rhythm of the bass in your own pulse. Taehyung is a great dancer, with an elegant style that's a pleasure to watch. You think back to Jungkook's question and wonder if Tae is just a friend. While you feel nothing but tenderness for him, despite all his wonderful qualities, you know what it's like to have butterflies in your stomach when thinking about someone. Tonight, it's evident as you watch Jungkook swaying on the dance floor. His movements are fluid and powerful. You feel like watching him dance is almost wrong.

After a while he catches you looking at him and smiles. He actually does his best to put on a show for you to watch as his body follows the rhythm of the music. It takes all your energy not to faint with such a sight. You feel him getting closer for a brief moment just to tease you with his words 

"You look very focused." 

"Sorry, I... I'm sorry," you stammer, feeling your ears turn red. The truth is that you're doing your best to hide your interest. But you've never been in front of someone who captivated you so much, and you feel quite overwhelmed. It's not the alcohol. It's him. He's worse than a drug, and you wish you were truly drunk so that it could give you a real excuse for behaving this way.

Taehyung interrupts your train of thoughts. "We need to go back, Y/N. It’s getting late.” He has a stern expression on his face. His voice is firm and steady, speaking calmly but with determination.

You understand that it's time to go, and you're disappointed, but you sense that Taehyung is right. You decide to let Jungkook know, but despite looking everywhere, he’s nowhere. 

You decide to step outside. That's where you find him. His skin is glistening, he looks so fucking good and to make matters worse, his face lights up immediately upon seeing you.

"I needed some fresh air," he explains. "It was getting hot inside." He winks at you, and you roll your eyes. His way of teasing you pleases you immensely, you must admit. It gives the illusion that you've known each other for a longer time. You really like it. 

You know you have to break the mood, so you speak up..."I have to go home, I'm sorry." You stammer. You're tipsy from the alcohol. You don't know why you're apologizing; after all, you had a great evening, but your head is spinning for various reasons and it's time to call a taxi.

"You're not leaving already, are you? I came just for you tonight. Please, stay" he pleads, grabbing your wrist. His palm is warm and strong. It burns your skin, and you feel feverish. His words feel like a bomb going off in your chest. 

Just for you. Is he being sincere? At that moment, you really want to give in. You want to stay with him forever. 

During your conversation, the sky has turned red because it’s past midnight. You had almost forgotten it was the Blood Moon tonight. You know you need to go home; nothing will compel you to make the right choices, and you'll only end up embarrassing yourself. Without releasing your wrist, Jungkook also looks up at the red orb. "Don’t leave" he repeats. His voice carries an alarm that makes your heart flutter. The chemistry between you is undeniable. But what if it's just the effect of the Blood Moon? What if everything disappears by daybreak?

[authorluvgxbby]

hi are you able to make a part two for this post? :0 if not that’s fine!! im in love with ur writing

Genre: Angst, Angst/No Comfort

Part Two of TR characters x estranged!reader

Included Characters: Ran, Kokonoi, Kazutora

⚠️TW/CW⚠️: pure angst, mentions of death, cursing, mentions/suggestions of suicide and attempted suicide, gaslighting, jealousy, mild injury, depression, self-harm in Kazutora’s part, manipulation, mentions of obsessions, trauma

A/N: Per-request, here is a part two of TR characters who are jealous with estranged!reader. Buckle up and get your tissues ready, this is gonna hurt you just as much as it hurt me 🥲 Enjoy!

Ran

“Seriously, y/n, you should go,” Rindou says softly, putting a hand on your shoulder to stop you from entering the club he and Ran owned. “No! Is Ran alright? I haven’t seen him in weeks and I’m worried sick!” you cry, trying to push past the younger Haitani, only for him to once again, gently pull you away from the club’s entrance by your shoulder. Frustrated, he grips your other shoulder, forcing you to still and face him, “y/n I know you're upset-” “I’m not!” you cut off. Rindou huffs before speaking up once again, “y/n I don’t want you to get hurt, please just go home and I can explain everything later.” “But, Rindou-” “God you’re so annoying,” a voice rings through the air, turning both yours and Rindou’s head to face the very root of the commotion between you two. Ran walks over to the two of you, gently patting Rindou on the shoulder to signal him to go back inside. Rindou’s grip tightens on your shoulder, hesitant to leave you to your demise, but he knew he couldn’t defy his brother. He lets go of you and walks back into the club. Gritting your teeth, you turn to Ran, “Ran, where have you been..,” you reach out to try to take his hand only for the dual-haired male to smack it away, “That’s none of your business.” “What?” Scoffing, he shakes his head before stepping closer to you, an unfamiliar anger radiates from him, an emotion that you’ve never seen directed at you before, “Are you fucking dumb or what? Can’t you see I don’t want you around anymore?” His words hurt, they hurt more than any stab wound or injury that could ever be inflicted on you. “Ran I…if there’s something I did wrong-” you were cut off with a slap to the face, the sudden action stinging your cheek raw. “I don’t want to see your pathetic face again. The only reason I was friends with you was because I felt sorry for you, but now I see why you didn’t have any in the first place.” That was all he said before walking off back into the brightly lit building, leaving you in the silence of the cold streets, with fresh wounds to mend all on your own. 

That night you stayed awake thinking about Ran had said about being your friend out of pity and it broke your heart knowing damn well it was true

You never had any friends due to your reputation for being “clingy” and “two-faced smarty pants” so maybe that’s why Ran didn’t want to be around you anymore

When you would go to school, life was hell. Everyone would whisper rumors about what had happened between you and the older Haitani. “I heard they were fwb.” “He was probably friends with her because she’s the smartest student in the school.” “For someone so smart, she’s really dumb to associate with a Haitani!”

You barely ate or slept, obsessed with your studies and upholding the title of the “smartest student” because it was the only thing you had left.

Some days when you see Ran around in school, you feel angry at what he did to you, but would also feel jealous of the multiple friends he had around him wherever he went.

It was as if he was silently telling you, “You’ll always be nothing but know-it-all”

Sometimes Rindou would come by your house to tend to your health after seeing you lose so much weight and letting yourself go, but you’d make sure to lock your doors–and windows–so that you didn’t have to face him because of how stupid you felt after not listening to him.

If you had stayed home, if you had just listened to Rindou, would things have been different? Would you still have Ran as your only friend?

Kokonoi

“What are you doing?” I questioned Kokonoi. He grits his teeth, his eyes narrowing as he furrows his brows. Pouting, you take a seat across from him in the library, smirking at his attempts to try to ignore your presence. “For a gangster, you sure do act childish, Kokonoi,” you mock. Yet, Kokonoi remained focused on what he was reading. “What would Akane think of you now if she saw you living the life of a thug?” Slam! Slowly looking up from where his attention was focused, he finally greets your devious gaze with a murderous look. “What the hell do you want?” “It’s such a shame,” fauxed disappointment crosses your features, “you would’ve been quite the guy if you weren’t living the life of scum.” You calmly sigh as you pick up the book that your old friend had slammed on the table. Koko was livid, blood boiling and all, but he’d be damned if he lost his composure and gave you the satisfying humiliation you sought in him, “I could say the same about you. Despite being the top student at your school, you have the mind of scum yourself,” he remarks. Chuckling, you shake your head, “No wonder why Inupi hasn’t abandoned you yet.” Your face drops, dead eyes boring into Kokonoi, “You’re so pitiful, even for a money-making genius.” On the outside, it would seem as if your words bounced right off of the collected male. However, deep down, his heart was bleeding slowly as you ridiculed him and exploited his trauma for your own benefit. He refused to give in to your sadistic satisfactions. Stubborn as he may be, Koko could never ignore or refuse the pain that came with your sharp words.

You and Kokonoi had fallen out of touch after the death of your friend Akane, due to the fact that you blamed him for just rescuing Inui and not Akane.

Both of you were smart, and were complete geniuses when it came to making money. And, despite being on bad terms with each other, you both silently competed with one another as to who could earn more money when the opportunity arose.

And, sure, you highly disliked Koko for his obsessiveness with Akane, but what really topped it off was when he had dragged Inui into the life of delinquency with him.

Sometimes, you’d wonder if Koko only stayed with Inupi because he looked so much like his sister, slowly coming to the realization that he never moved on from Akane.

You would worry that he’d possibly get Inupi killed due to his stubbornness and obsession, so from then on you did everything in your power to stop his efforts of success, even if it meant holding Akane's death over his head.

Fun fact: Your just as obsessed with Inupi as Koko is

When you see Inupi around school, you try to turn him against Kokonoi and try to convince him to come back to school and quit living as a thug.

Kokonoi does the same, but tries to manipulate him into believing that he’ll help him revive the Black Dragons to the way they are again.

Kazutora

“I’ll kill him,” Kazutora mutters as he throws another dart at Mikey’s picture. Rolling your eyes, you continue to tend to your studies on the floor. “Could you keep it down, I’m trying to study.” A sigh escapes your lips as you witness yet another dart pierce the picture of the young gang leader in the photo. “What do you even have against Mikey, he knows you didn’t mean-” “How the hell would you know?!” he suddenly shouts, his shadow swallowing your small frame as he towers over you with a hateful aura. You keep calm, gently placing your things down as you stand up to challenge the duel- hair colored boy. “Because if he thought you did it on purpose, he would’ve killed you by now.” He scoffs, “So you're taking his side huh? What? You want me gone too?” he growled. “What? No! I’m just saying, you don’t have to resort to violence to solve your problems!” you shoot back. “If you just-” “NO!” his raised voice catches you off guard, completely freezing you in place. “Why the hell should I listen to you when you don’t even know what it’s like to be in my place?” he hisses, glaring daggers at your cowering figure. “You grew up with a fucking spoon on a fucking silver platter. Even now, you get anything and everything without having to fight or work for it.” Your lips trembled as tears threatened to spill from your eyes. “Kazutora…t-that’s not… ” “It is! You’re just a spoiled bitch that gets what she wants because you had friends to support you. You had parents to support you. But guess what, not everyone has the life you live, so don’t tell me how to deal with my problems when you've never been through your own. God, why does a girl like you even exist?” It was as if your whole world was shattering all at once. Why did he say that? Was it all really true? Warm streaks of tears cascaded down your face as you slowly broke down at your friend’s words. “Wow,” he scoffs, rolling his eyes, “what the fuck are you crying for? If you’re really this miserable over a few words, then why don’t you do the world a fucking favor and go die somewhere. The last thing someone wants is a crybaby goodie-two-shoes.” “Why, Kazutora?” you whimper, “why are you saying this, I didn’t mean to-” “Get out.” “W-what?” Growling, he grabs your wrist and pulls you toward the door of his house, “I said,” he throws you down on the concrete of his porch along with your things, “Get the hell out! Go away! Go kill yourself and leave me be!”

That day, you didn’t understand why Kazutora drove you away, but regardless it didn’t stop you from going into a depression.

No matter how much you tried to study to drive away your thoughts, it wouldn’t work.

You couldn’t sleep at night, feeling guilty about your upbringing and thinking how much Kazutora had suffered in his past as a kid, while you sat home with everything you needed while your parents took care of everything.

You developed the habit of often apologizing for things that weren’t your fault and your self-esteem had gone down a lot, so you were constantly putting yourself down.

You hadn’t seen Kazutora that much during school either, but he certainly saw you, as well as the way your other friends would crowd around you, asking about your day and how you were feeling and complimenting the newest clothes you were wearing. It made him more pissed off seeing how you had the life he never got to have and yet despite what you were feeling, you still had people to support you.

On rare occasions when you did see Kazutora around school, he’d insult you or flat out curse you out whenever you so much as looked at him. He hated you with a passion and the fact that you were seeking him out caused him to fester his hatred.

Eventually, he escalated to bullying you when it was clear you wouldn’t leave him alone and you’d just accept because you thought that you deserved it.

One day, Kazutora had ended up having a group of gang members beat you until sunrise and afterwards you went home and ended up cutting your wrists. 

Your parents had to drive you to the hospital and when you had explained to them what happened and what you did, you never went back to school again and was homeschooled until further notice.

[moonlit-positivity]

Actively suicidal vs passively suicidal

Actively suicidal:

Panicked

Head swirling

Anxious

Heart beating fast

Plan in place

Writing suicide notes

Making wills for your possessions

Planning out backup methods

Researching methods

Looking for reasons to stay alive

Fear

Crying

Anxiety

Feeling hopeless

Not knowing who to call or where to go

Knives & other tools in hand

Threatening to do it

Car accidents/ drunk driving

Screaming

Calling police/ threatening suicide by cop

Involuntary commitment/psych ward hospitalizations

Feeling like there's no other choice

Feeling like nobody cares

Feeling like you're better off dead

Trauma & traumatic memories

Panic attacks

Passively suicidal:

Joking & making memes about suicide, dark humor

Self destruction like smoking cigarettes in hopes that it will slowly kill you someday

Drugs & alcohol to numb the pain

Hygiene goes to shit bc you just don't give a fuck anymore

Self sabotage & negative, abusive self talk

Self harm

Isolating

Ghosting all your friends

Eating disorders

Purposely using social media to be a jackass

Purposely using fictional characters to vent about your life

Writing fanfic about what you're going through

Disrupted sleep patterns

Angry outbursts, throwing things, repressed anger issues

Hiding behind humor, memes, jokes, sarcasm, to be the funny friend so no one thinks you're suffering

Giving support to everyone else around you bc you're nice like that but also bc you wish someone would do the same for you

Taking on too much responsibilities that don't belong to you

Falling into cycles of fawning & people pleasing and then crashing with extreme rage bc you're not being listened to or taken seriously by those around you

Developing toxic & maladaptive behaviors

Purposely neglecting health

Angry all the time

Ill tempered, bad moods, mood swings, unprocessed trauma

Dissociation ie feeling too numb

Staying in bed for prolonged periods of time

Feeling hopeless

Feeling trapped

Feeling like there's no way out

Feeling stuck

Feeling like no one cares

Not knowing where to go or how to bring it up

Not knowing if you're even valid to feel that way

The one thing in common is the intense overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, the lack of awareness, and the lack community support- because nobody ever talks about it unless you're actively seeking help.

Let's do better.

Let's open up dialogue for how to recognize, help, and better cope with the silent suffering that many of us know.

You don't have to be actively reaching for the knife in order to be suicidal.

There are so many signs that go unnoticed and overlooked, that can be caught by a simple act of connection.

"Hey, I've noticed you've been distant lately. What's on your mind?"

The problem with society is that we are too pain averse. "People complain too much! You're stuck in your head! Victim mentality! Too negative!"

In reality, allowing someone to express themselves is the best act of humanity we can allow.

Their suffering is not your responsibility. There's a difference in providing support to someone vs caretaking their depression. You cannot do the work for someone else. Draw yourself some boundaries to what you're willing to do vs what you feel is too much to help out.

But you can still listen and acknowledge that the pain is there. You can also check your own bias on this topic. Are you perpetuating harmful stereotypes against mental health and supporting loved ones during a depressive episode? Are you the type of person one can feel safe to express opinions openly and confidently with? Without needing to judge, control, give advice, or force your own opinions over someone else's autonomy and right to live their own life? It can help to adjust your expectations of what "giving support" can look like. Ask the person what they need & how you can help. You cannot "fix" another human being. We are not robots like that. All we need is patience, kindness, and a safe place to vent. Can you do that for someone?

That's all you need to do.

[quarkscooljacket]

13 books

What’s up readers?! How about a little show and tell? Answer these 13 questions, tag 13 lucky readers and if you’re feeling extra bookish add a shelfie! Let’s Go!

Tagged by @softest-punk

1) The Last book I read:

Foster by Claire Keegan, which is what the movie An Cailín Ciúin was based on. It's only 70 pages (though I listened to the audio, which has a stunning narration) and I think I am in love with Claire Keegan maybe.

The last australian book I read was Witchy (vol 1+2) by Ariel Ries. Really fun comic about young witch Nyneve who is conscripted into the Witch Guards, runs away, and has to figure out her place in the world. Beautiful art!!

2) A book I recommend:

This year I finally read A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett, which is a collection of short stories about trans women living in Canada/the US. Every story felt so lived in and alive. It is mostly real-life stuff but there is one story where a woman can speak with her cat and it's done so well. Semi-related stories in that some of the characters know each other/mention each other. A trans classic!!!

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

Birnam Wood by Eleanor Catton. Set in Aotearoa, centred around these two young women who run a guerilla gardening collective. one of them meets a billionaire who wants to give them a bunch of money. Now see the blurb told me it was an eco thriller but the thriller part is very slow burn until ur like JAYSUS SLOW DOWN.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more):

I re-read the Southern Reach trilogy (Annihilation, Authority & Acceptance) by Jeff VanderMeer at the end of last yr because he accounced the fourth book. I just love them. The kind of spec fic I would love to write tbh.

5) A book on my TBR:

Praiseworthy by Alexis Wright. I bought it because I knew i was quitting my job and I wanted the staff discount and I thought I'd read it in my unemployment phase. Turns out quitting your job because you're horribly treated means that u enter a big extra-depressed phase so I did not have the brain space to read more than the first 25 pages. But i loved those, they just required more energy than I had. I'm gonna paste the blurb here actually because it just sounds fucken rad:

Praiseworthy is an epic set in the north of Australia, told with the richness of language and scale of imagery for which Alexis Wright has become renowned. In a small town dominated by a haze cloud, which heralds both an ecological catastrophe and a gathering of the ancestors, a crazed visionary seeks out donkeys as the solution to the global climate crisis and the economic dependency of the Aboriginal people. His wife seeks solace from his madness in following the dance of butterflies and scouring the internet to find out how she can seek repatriation for her Aboriginal/Chinese family to China. One of their sons, called Aboriginal Sovereignty, is determined to commit suicide. The other, Tommyhawk, wishes his brother dead so that he can pursue his dream of becoming white and powerful. This is a novel which pushes allegory and language to its limits, a cry of outrage against oppression and disadvantage, and a fable for the end of days.

6) A book I’ve put down:

A Marvellous Light by Freya Marske. I just simply do not care about rich English people. I had about an hour left of the audiobook, I rly tried to push thru but I just couldn't care enough.

7) A book on my wish list:

I would like to get a physical Irish-English dictionary!

8) A favorite book from childhood:

I did love Enid Blyton's Faraway Tree series which look I'm sure u can tell about me if you know me. And look I still do but my god. The amount of parents and parents buying these for their children at the shop for the love of god get them at the op shop PLEASE.

9) A book you would give to a friend:

Vague ............ well it would be something aus.

10) A book of poetry or lyrics that you own

The last one I bought was Non-Essential Work by Omar Sakr. I think Omar is one of the best writers working today in this godforsaken colony. HIs work is just exquisite and so precise.

11) A nonfiction book you own:

The last one I bought was Orientalism by Edward Said which made me realise how if you don't read anything academic in ten+ years it's very hard to get back into reading (or again, perhaps it is the horrible mental illnesses attacking my brain which mean I find it extremely hard to concentrate on anything!!! wahoo!!!!) so I am taking that one slow.

12) What are you currently reading:

Ghost Cities by Siang Lu which comes out in May. It's very funny and absurd and written just the way I like. It's about a dude who lives in Sydney and works as a Chinese translator, but he actually speaks no Chinese and uses google translate to do his job. He's fired via elaborate prank and then somehow gets the attention of a famous movie director, and is currently being whisked away to one of the ghost city apartment complexes in China to make a movie with him. There's a parallel story about an ancient emperor and I just finished the 30-page poem that his newly-imprisoned eunichs composed. It's exciting!!

13) What are you planning on reading next?

The Orphancorp trilogy (dystopian aus YA) by Marlee Jane Ward, which I have already read and simply adore. Three novellas that imo have perfect pacing and are about "what if capitalism was extra bad". They are deeply queer and anti-capitalist.

Tagging: @tideoftrash @drbuttox @briarrolfe @so-boop-tac-u-lar @hamthezombie @frankenfossil @dragnew @tekaihau @rows-study @nessie-nosebleed @tenderfacemeat @athousandhungrythorns @gamling

[closetednobody]

Do you think if Carina leaves Maya it will snap her back to reality? I want to see Maya begging for Carina to stay and apologize the things she said. I know Carina has her mistakes too but she is the best spouse out there and I can't watching Maya hurting her.

(TW : mentions of suicide)

Hello OP!

The fact that i always say "I'm gonna hurt anyone who hurts Carina!" and right now that person is Maya, tortures me. And I agree - Maya has a lot of apologizing to do and hopefully that translates to A LOT of cuddling scenes and surprises. Give me all the fluff!

But would Carina leaving Maya help to snap her back to reality? 🤔

In my personal opinion, sadly, I don't think so.

Echoing to my previous answer, presuming that Maya has an underlying mental condition, Carina leaving would just solidify her "dark thoughts" that she is too broken, dark and twisted to be loved by the light and perfect Carina. It could be the fuel to her "demons" that might lead to worse self-destructive behaviors to a point of suicide.

She might just say "Yes, you should." thinking that that's the best thing for Carina. To save Carina DeLuca from the ruthless Maya Bishop. Because that's the current reality for Maya.

Here's the complicated part about mental illness, specifically PTSD, depression and anxiety - your mind will always find ways to work against you = self-sabotage. But i don't like to call it "self-sabotage" because it will come with the notion that someone is doing it on purpose which will drive them crazy and make them feel hopeless.

That's why it is so hard for Maya (or most people with complex PTSD and depression) to get the help they need. Because "getting help" makes them feel weak.

"Everyone is going through something. Everyone has their own struggles. Mason is abandoned and living on the streets. I won an Olympic gold medal. I am a firefighter. I have a stable job, a nice home - the things that I've been through is insignificant compared to everyone else - how could I ask for help? Why would I need help?"

For Maya, she needs to feel needed. She has always been trying to prove her worth to everyone - as a daughter by winning medals, as a friend by being there for everyone, as a team member by sacrificing herself, as a captain by convincing her team, then listening to them (when she apologized to Miller), having their backs (Sullivan) and doing the right thing twice (even if it's against the rule), as a girlfriend by being there for Carina and Andrew, and Carina when she was grieving.

But as a wife and a soon-to-be mom? I doubt it.

She was demoted on her wedding day. She has been bullied at work at the same time they are trying to conceive. "I'm doing this for our family," she said on the rooftop. So, if Carina leaves her now, I don't think Maya could ever convince herself to be a wife and a mom again. After all, who would have a baby with that.

And Carina never stop reminding her that she needs to find help which translates to "You're not good enough. Please fix yourself." according to Dark Thoughts Dictionary.

But whenever Carina reaches out to her and reaffirms her that she needs Maya, you can see that Maya will soften and consider what Carina has to say compared to whenever Carina demands her to do something i.e. seek help.

So... I'm curious to see what are they going to write as her point of revelation. But we'll see.

What do you think: would Carina leaving Maya help to snap her back to reality? Let me know!

[khuzena]

One step closer

Cypher x depressed! Reader

Tw: depression,suicide talk and s3lf h4rm and just angst

A/n: this is much more different than what I usually write and it's more of a vent fic, please scroll away if you're triggered by suicide or/and s3lf-h4rm.

---------------------

Ever since cypher joined the protocol, he's met many capable radiants and non-radiants, one of which was you. He was never this fascinated of someone since nora so it felt like a new blossoming feeling once again; like euphoria that's short lived but the feeling is unforgettable. He'd seen you do your work and everything when he looks through his cameras and he becomes more fascinated with you. After 3 months of being friends with you, he asked you out with a rose in his hand and a loving stare in his eyes that you haven't even seen yet. But as kind as you were you accepted his confession and hugged him tightly.

The first early stages of your relationship was steady and happy. He was there for you and you were there for him. You'd regularly check up on him with a cup of mint-tea, his favorite tea and watch him tinker with his gadgets. When you used to walk into his room, he'd already known but for the sake of your embarrassment, he'd pretend to be surprise when you tried* to sneak up on him and wrap your arms around his neck. As you giggled, the aroma of the mint tea filled the room and his nose perked up to the smell of it,"Oh dear, what do we have here? Did you make me this?" He chuckled and reached out for the tea. "Should I walk out the room since you know, your identity-" you were interrupted when he removed his mask and shown you his face for the first time. He watched you examine every inch of his face in excitement and you leaned in closer, and pressed your lips against his. "O-oh I'm sorry!" You blurted out with a flustered face and shied away as he stares at you with amusement. "Pfft.. habibi I really don't mind, come kiss me again." He laughed and pulled you in for another kiss. He'd smirk internally as he held you in his sleep, 'One step closer to loving you and knowing you more'

The second stage of your relationship, you've both taken things to the next level and started getting more clingy and physical with each other but still hid secrets from each other. It's been 5 months yet he hasn't told you anything about his past yet, about nora and his life back at Morocco; but you were tired of it. Walking into his room and confronting him about it, starting the most heated argument in your relationship, it left both of you sobbing in your rooms and wondering if things would be still the same way; sweet and happy. 2 weeks have passed and you've asked for some advice from a few agents, 'this is it' you thought and knocked on his door, waiting for him to answer. The door softly creaked open with him sitting in his chair with his messy, unkempt hair and turned to look at you with his tired, saggy eyelids.

You gulped and wept, "Aamir, I'm sorry. I hope we can still fix things.." he only looked at you with a pitiful look but then sighed, "I'm also sorry. I won't hide some of my secrets anymore, please forgive me mi amor." You sobbed harder and ran up into his open arms and cried out on his shoulder as he rubbed soothing circles on your back. It was one step closer to fixing everything.

The third stage, you both became comfortable with each other and it was a normal occurrence to smoother each other with affection but still same feelings, but life Isn't easy. Lately, you were feeling down and depressed but you were always hesitating to tell him what you were going through. Every mornings he'd kiss your forehead and ask you how you were feeling, yet you never told him. Deep down inside you wanted to scream at him and cry your heart out but you just can't. The wounds cut deeper and sometimes it got worse when white came out instead of red, you'd lie to him anyways that some cats would scratch you or you'd bump your arms onto a sharp surface. What you didn't know, he was aware of everything that was happening but he was frozen and unable to think of a way to confront but he would, eventually.

The fourth stage, things were getting tense and you avoided him more, looking into his concerned eyes as you lied over and over again; the guilt ate you whole. One night, your room creaked open as he entered the room and found the razors you've used. He felt like puking and his stomach was churning with regret that why hasn't he confronted you sooner? But these train of thoughts didn't lessen when he shifted his gaze onto your sleeping and tired form. It was then he didn't care anymore if he was caught by you and checked through any journal you could've written you thoughts in about these. Reading the contents of how much you loved him and the happiness in the first stages but the depression and insecurity that followed after page by page made him tear and let out a choked out sob. He looks at you again and notices how ethereal and peaceful you looked but the scars on your wrists told a different story.

The fifth stage, he told you about what he found and snapped at you. "Why did you hide this from me?!?" He fumed and looked at you with sad, regretful eyes. The tension in the room rising and it was getting hard to breathe, you gulped and your mouth was left agape as he continued to scold you about everything. "Why y/n? WHY?" He cried out and stared at you with his blood-shot eyes, demanding for an answer. "It's because I didn't want you to fucking feel horrible and feel worried!" You retorted back and cry at the corner of the room. "I feel more fucking horrible that I could've prevented this but now It's so fucking hard, my god y/n.. FUCK." he screamed and threw his camera on the floor.

The endless bickering until night and the saddened expression on the other agents face that witnessed this as you walked to the kitchen to grab some water. Sage puts an arm on your shoulder and stares at you with empathetic eyes, "I hope you're doing ok y/n.. we all feel depressed too and-" "Tell me about it." You interruped and stomped into your room as a worried expression was written on the healer's face.

The fifth stage. You both stopped talking to each other and he rarely saw you. He's cried everyday thinking of the possible future he could've had with you, maybe a family living in a simple house with a garden you both will tend until you were both seniors but no, life is selfish. One day, he followed you and met you on top of a building, messy and unkempt hair with your shoes taken off so they will know it was suicide. One last time, he screamed your name and reached out for you, "Y/n don't do it!" He yelled at the top of his lungs and tried to pull you back onto the floor but he couldn't. The last thing he saw was you turning to look at him, staring at him with empty and soulless eyes as you softly smiled at him one last time; "Aamir." The only thing you said, as you stepped forward and fell to your death with your agonizing scream.

He was sobbing so hard, he couldn't give a shit and was clutching his hair out and teary-eyed. "No... No this can't be fucking happening..." He cried and cried until the police arrived, he left but your last smile ingrained in his mind now and will be forever.

At your funeral, the flowers there were gorgeous but will eventually wilt away, like you. You were the most beautiful rose in his eyes but roses will one day wilt and turn into ash. Looking over to your coffin and the sounds of whimper-crying in the background went silent, to him at least as he looked at your face one last time.

"I'm sorry, I was always one step closer to being with you but fate always pushed me 5 stages back but no matter what, I'll come back to you and hold you in my arms once again."

A single tear run down his eyes as he left the funeral home, "Thank you."

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

I wrote this in one sitting and im sobbing fr and i dont proofread 😓😭 if you ever feel suicidal or depressed please talk to someone or a mental health professional. Thank you for reading it hehe (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧