#if you're reading this send psychiatric help

[verdantvain]

My red flag is that I fully believe that if someone held me while I fell asleep that I would be completely healed of everything wrong with me.

[itsyagurlchip]

☀︎⋆.ೃ࿔*:･Calvitium Turturem☀︎⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

ᯓᡣ𐭩warnings: this is absolute crack(!) cussing (!) just gross stuff(!) its mostly dialogue(!)

ᯓᡣ𐭩This was a spontaneous thought I had, sorry for anyone who reads this. reader at ur own discretion. I lied, it's not a random thought. THIS SHIT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND FOr SO LONG AND I CANT GET IT TO ESCAPE HELP SEND HELP.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 donnie's head is so bald...

"Y/N!?! What the fuck?"

"What?"

"You locked us in the closet!!"

"Yea..."

"..."

"..."

"Can I lick your bald head?"

"Bitch wtf?"

"That's the only reason why I locked us in here. What the hell does a bald head taste like?"

"I'm putting you in a mental institution when we get out of here."

"But dude! The possibilities tho!?!"

"You're nasty and insane if you think that I'll allow your slimy tongue to touch my precious cranium. Correction, you are nasty and insane regardless."

"So like....is that a maybe? I could reschedule if you need me too. I mean, I've got a live class in the next hour-" You blabbered on as Donnie grimaced heavily, wondering why Mikey ever became your friend, and why he had to deal with the setbacks.

Just as he was memorizing the numbers of psychiatric hospitals in Australia, he felt something wet and warm, smack dab at the top of his head. He yelped before swiping his head to you, who was hovering over him with a wriggling tongue out and a dumbed out expression. You smiled before siting onto the floor.

"Oddly enough its very smooth, with a salty taste...liek your head wants to grow hair but it can't...

Donnie was about to throw up. The spit that ran down his forehead took an uncomfortable amount of time to reach his snout before beginning its drying process. He slowly turned to you, eyes directed to your throat. His fingers twitched.

You, unknowing of the brewing rage next you, kept on describing the flavor of his bald head as if it were brunch with the girls.

Donnie lunged for your throat, with you jumping out of the closet to run.

"ILL FUCKING KILL YOU"

"nuh uh"

"NUH UH? F U C K Y O U M E A N "NUH UH!??!"

GUYS IM SO FUCKNG SORRY I HAD TO GET THIS OUT LIKE A PARASITE 😭THE THOUGHTS I HATE IT WHEN SLENDERMAN TAKE OVA MY THOUGHTS/gen/srry/gen

😔💔💔

i gotta get back to my schoolwork- ill see yall✌🏾

૮₍˶• .•⑅₎ა tags: @kittykittyanon @bonefanatic @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl

૮₍˶• .•⑅₎ა@ziipzeepzop-eez @wheezdostuff @spongejuice @cyb3r-st4r @matteo-hamato

@clown-froggi

if you would like to be added, check my blog. if you would like to be added, check my blog. SEE? I SAID IT TWICE!!

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

september 1, 2021 5:00 p.m. newcrest hospital

[five hours later]

[dr. winters] so, you’re an interesting case.

[grant] don’t i know it?

[dr. winters] fortunately, the excellent news here is that your physical exam is overall outstanding.

[dr. winters] all your blood work and vitals are great, your eyesight’s correctable to normal, and you have no other underlying disease besides the autoimmune stuff.

[dr. winters] disclaimer that you should lay off the cigarettes, but...

[dr. winters] still, based on these factors, i see no real reason to deny your medical on physical grounds. the MRI of your spine was very concerning, but i did read the letter from your rheumatologist clearing you for work again, and you passed all my exams just fine, so it’s not an issue in my eyes unless your disease and/or functioning significantly worsen.

[grant] well, that’s...good?

[dr. winters] not so fast. don't get too excited. as much as i'd like to send you out with your medical today, i can’t.

[grant] alright. fair enough.

[dr. winters] i'm not denying you, to be clear. i'm deferring your case to federal administration.

[dr. winters] this is the unfortunate part. because you suddenly admitted to having previous substance abuse issues, have brand new mental health diagnoses, and are on some medications that are neither approved nor banned, it’s out of my hands.

[dr. winters] you would need a special issuance medical, which is only something the administration can give out.

[dr. winters] if you’re granted one, it is a full first-class medical and will clear you to fly and hopefully approve your current medications with no issues, but it will tag you as having health conditions, and it’ll probably place restrictions on your medical, like more frequent medical exams and no flying if you’re having x, y, and z symptoms.

[grant] okay, sure. what should i do next?

[dr. winters] well, i'll forward all the paperwork from you to them along with my reports from today. at some point, the administration will send you a whole bunch more paperwork in the mail, and they’ll ask you to explain all your medications, your psychiatric history, and why the hell you were diagnosed with multiple psychiatric disorders all at once and so late in life.

[dr. winters] whatever you say, be as honest as possible. i will gently remind you that lying to them is a felony.

[dr. winters] you’ll mail all your responses back to them, and then they’ll tell you to submit to a neurocognitive screen and a psychiatric evaluation. i can go ahead and refer you to doctors who can offer you those screenings. they'll also want statements from any psychiatrists and therapists you've seen basically confirming they think you're stable enough for this kind of employment.

[dr. winters] and finally, after they review all the new materials plus your flight records, you’ll either get approved or denied.

[grant] there's some hope?

[dr. winters] yes. you have held a medical before. you'll just have to jump through more hoops this time to prove your capabilities. worst case scenario you lawyer up and sue until you get results. and no, i'm not joking. in complex cases like yours, i often recommend a lawyer.

[grant] i don’t want a lawyer.

[dr. winters] at least not yet. don't count the legal route out. the worst worst case scenario is that you're denied. if they deny you and you feel that's unfair, the law is the only solution you have left.

[grant] got it. well, um, thanks for all your help. i guess i'll wait for new paperwork from the administration then. how long should the whole process to take, assuming it all goes smoothly?

[dr. winters] oh, it won't go smoothly. your case will sit on someone’s desk until the file rots or the sun blows up, whichever comes first, unless you call incessantly. so, do that. call, call, and call again until someone does something with it.

[dr. winters] and maybe you’ll get a final decision in...

[dr. winters] six months? a year? hopefully not longer than that.

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

Personal rant ahead✨

okay, so. I'm not sure anyone's reading, but I'm writing this. Maybe putting it in words will help, you know?

I've had a fucking terrible time lately, there's no denying it – I'm not even sure how long it went on. For sure, the last half a year–

Guys, I didn't think I'd survive it.

I'm not lying. God, I'm not lying.

Looking back, I'm not sure how I did survive it, but I did. Somehow. I just kept going. (Till Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes; till Nona the Ninth translation; till Rise of Red; till The Umbrella Academy 4). I fucking kept going even though I was fucking exhausted.

I ended up in the emergency two times, with a panic attack that had me sure I was dying.

I ended up in the psychiatric emergency two times, too, when the emergency personel said taking me to the hospital wouldn't help.

I asked my roommate to send me photos of chemical reactions and formulas to the emergency psych ward. I broke down bad enough to end up there and it continued: two two Exams the next day, final labs and test the next, another exam three days after and two days after that and chemical engineering with about seven hours of prep time. I did these on sedatives that didn't even take away all of the anxiety.

On the weekend then, I crashed at my friend's, completely crashed. I was afraid to stay alone. I was so out of it I was sure i'd die if alone.

(If you're reading this, thank you. Really.)

This doesn't need to be coherent, right?

I've been struggling with food too. Namely, eating enough.

(I tell you, one of the days I ended in emergency: for breakfast, I got half of a pastry, some cottage cheese and handful of cherry tomatoes - that doesn't sound too bad, but it was only half because I was supposed to eat it for dinner the day before. For lunch, well, I decided I'd go swimming, physical activity is supposed to help, right, maybe I'd buy something at the pool? (Spoiler allert, I didn't). I bought one (1) slice of pizza at the subway when getting home from the psych clinic.)

Fun time, right?

With a track record like this, I've managed to lose five kg (about ten pounds?). Problem with this, of course, is that that was a tenth of my total weight.

I'm better now, almost back at my original weight, but sometimes, my brain still screams at me that the food is poisonous.

You know, I've got a pretty strong catalogue of venoms and poisons and alimentary ilnesses. The toxicology and microbiology courses didn't really help. God, I freaked out over soup one time, I was sure it was full of botulotoxin. (It was not. Botulotoxin is termolabile.) (I cried over this for hours anyway and I'm not sure I'll eat that soup again.)

But, you know. I'm trying.

I'm trying.

I got some meds, but - the first ones - it was bad. It was so bad. It was supposed to help, but first, it got worse. I could do nothing but cry for four days, I remember I felt nothing but terror.

It was only a bit better when I went to a summercamp as a councilor- nothing much to say about the camp. But, there was a storm, we were waiting it out outside under an altan with the girls who slept in tents - god, we were all scared. I kept telling fairytales for an hour and then more at curfew for the little ones, I almost lost my voice. (There was a boy with us, about fifteen, helping counsilor. He slowly inched closer as I was telling the fairytales, it was cute.)

Still, the girls were crying, I'm not surprised, the storm was bad, and then there was some scandal among the younger kids about some video, and more people cried. In the end, at least ten people cried. I didn't break down only because I took xanax in between.

I'm not sure if I want to say anything more; I've said enough already.

There's a new school year soon and I'm scared.

[only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are]

Redwood Pyschiatric Institute - Part 6

MASTERLIST - PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4 - PART 5

CWs: mention of ECT, mental hospital whump, mental health gaslighting, force used against patient (electric shock baton), forced psychiatric care

Matthew Cooper pulled up in front of a small house on the end of the street, pulling out his phone to send a quick text that read 'I'm here.'

On the screen were a series of previous, unanswered and unread messages he had sent to his friend Rowan.

'Hey Rowan. Just checking in.'

'Rowan, it's me. What's up bud?'

'Where are you?'

'PICK UP ROWAN'

'Fine. If you won't talk to me, I'm not going to try anymore'

Then, from today. 'Rowan, I'm coming over.'

Matt sighed as he dropped his phone into his pocket and clambered out of the car. He walked up to the front door, and rang the doorbell. He waited a moment, and when there was no answer, he rapped on the door with his knuckles. Still, nothing. The whole house seemed to be silent and still. He pressed his face to the one of the windows, attempting to peer through.

"Rowan!" He called.

No answer.

"Crap." Matt murmured. "Where the hell are you.."

He strode around the back of the house, searching for any signs of life from his friend. Finally, he spotted a back door, slightly ajar. It struck Mathew as strange. Rowan was not a careless person - in fact, quite the opposite, he could be rather paranoid, in Mathew's opinion. So it was completly out of the ordinary for his friend to leave a door unlocked, and Mathew also had no idea how long it had been open or if Rowan was even in the house still.

Cautiously, Matthew entered through the door, calling Rowan's name as he went. There were no traces of recent life - everything was put away neatly as Mathew would expect of Rowan, until he reached his friend's bedroom. This room was a mess - papers were scattered everywhere, on the bed, on the floor, on the desk.. Rowan's laptop was also still there, but Mathew wasn't keen to go trying to break into that. He pick up a paper sitting on the desk, and scanned through it. It was a newspaper article.

'Redwood Asylum patients claim gross mistreatment'.  The headline read. The article was dated 1964. The next article, from 1970, announced the closing-down of the Institute. The outdated facility had claimed around 1000 lives by the time of its closure, almost a hundred years since it opened.

All the other papers and articles were about the institute, why puzzled Mathew further. Why was Rowan so obssessed with this place? And more importantly, where was Rowan?

Mathew did a quick google of the place, finding that it had since been reopened and claimed to now be running as a more modern psychiatric hospital. Matthew was all out of options - his only remaining option was right in front of him. He hit the phone number listed on the web page, drew a deep breath, and hit the call button.

"Hello, you've reached Redwood Psychiatric Institute. You're speaking to Carol, how can I help you?"

"Uh, hi Carol, my name's Mathew Cooper. I was wondering if you recently had a visitor by the name of Rowan Murdock?"

"I'm sorry but we can't disclose information on our visitors. We have, however, got a patient by that name. There's a note on his file saying he can't have visitors, are you family?"

"Oh, uh.. no, I'm a long-time friend of his though. I was just wondering if I could get some more information on what happened." Mathew stammered, shocked at the news. Rowan was a patient?

"I can arrange for you to meet his doctor, in that case. Doctor Wilson. I'm sure he'd be willing to discuss Rowan's - well, yes. Rowan's recent weeks with us."

Mathew arranged a time for the meeting and then hung up the phone. He began to head out the room, when he turned back, picked up one of the articles on the psychiatric institute, and then continued on his way out of the house.

------

"Mathew Cooper, I'm here to talk to Doctor Wilson." Matthew announced to the woman at the front desk.

"Sign here, and then take this visitor pass, and it'll be the third door on your left." She smiled, a friendly but tired, 'I've been here all day and I'm just trying to be friendly to you but I could care less' kind of smile.

"Thanks." Mathew smiled back as he followed her instructions and then headed down the hall.

Inside the office, the doctor sat behind the desk, looking comfortable but composed.

"Hello Mathew, take a seat. My name is Doctor Wilson." The doctor smiled from behind his glasses.

Mathew sat in the chair across from the doctor, and extended his hand to the doctor, who took it and shook it firmly.

"Thank you for coming, Mathew."  Doctor Wilson greeted. "I understand these circumstances must be.. rather confusing, and I appreciate your willingness to discuss this in person."

"Thank you for meeting with me, Doctor Wilson. I understand you must be very busy." Mathew acknowledged.

"Indeed. Now, allow us to get right into it. Now, when did you last see your friend?" The doctor asked.

"Well, I must have seen him last a few weeks ago." Mathew answered.

"I see. Well, he came here as a voluntary self-admission on September 13th. He was incredibly unstable, and we immediately began his treatment. When we admitted him, we looked into his medical records and his personal records. Now, while I'm afraid I have some hard news to digest, there is no other way to say this - his name isn't Rowan Murdock. His real name is James Lawton."

"What- you mean, he's been lying to me this whole time about who he is?"

"No, not at all. James is a very mentally ill young man, not a pathological liar. We discovered symptoms of schizophrenia throughout the last few years of his life, but it was not yet diagnosed or treated. It has just since accumulated and worsened. He has been in dire need of treatment for years, but when he came to us, he was at the height of a schizophrenic breakdown, believing he was Rowan Murdock, a profilic journalist investigating the asylum before deciding to admit himself.  We've been treating him with medications and ECT. He has been doing better the last few weeks, however,  we are worried that a visit with you, an old friend of 'Rowan's may cause another setback." The doctor sighed.

"Oh..." Mathew's heart sank at the explanation. He couldn't comprehend the whole story, it was not anything he could have imagined. Of course, he had accepted there was some horrible series of events that had led to Rowan- or, James - being here, but not like this. "I.. I'll do anything you need, I'll say anything, I just- I need to see him, I need to talk to him."

"Alright, I'll arrange a visit." Doctor Wilson conceded. "But you mustn't encourage any of his delusions relating to 'Rowan Murdock'."

"Understood, Doctor. Thank you very much."

------

"James, I have a visitor for you." Doctor Wilson stood in the doorway, ushering Matt ahead of him.

Matt entered the room hesitantly, his eyes scanning around until they landed on a small figure, hunched up in white in the corner of the small room.

"James?"

The figure Matt had once known as Rowan did not acknowledge the presence of anyone in the room. He simply muttered something under his breath.

"James. I've brought you a visitor." Doctor Wilson repeated, mild annoyance already in his voice as he approached James and bent down, waving at his patient to try and gain his attention.

James blinked, several times, slow and sluggish, as if drawing himself out of a trance. He glanced around the room, eyes landing eventually on Mathew.

"Who.. whoareyouu-" James slurred softly, as Doctor Wilson grasped him by the arm and helped him onto his feet, bringing him over to the small bed in the centre of the room.

"He's on a lot of medication right now. He may be suffering some short-term memory loss right now, so remember that this will pass. Just remind him who you are." Doctor Wilson said to Mathew.

Mathew nodded and approached the bed, kneeling in front of his old friend. Rowa- James, he reminded himself, looked pale, and his usually-thin frame looked even thinner than usual, or maybe that was the ill-fitting hospital gown. The circles under his eyes were dark, and his face was pinched and gaunt.

"Hey, James. It's me, your old friend Mathew." He said softly, reaching out a hand.

James didn't take the hand, instead, he sat there, staring blankly at it as Matt continued talking.

"We've known each other since university. You used to come and 'study' at my house. I'd steal your notes, and then we'd play video games together until 3am, even if we had class the next morning at 9." Mathew chuckled slightly at the memory, his heart aching a little to see his friend of five years in this situation. They'd been very close through university, but in the last two years they'd drifted apart slightly as both adjusted to their adult lives. Still, he cared for his friend.

Matt drew himself out of his own thoughts and looked up to see James staring at him with an.. odd expression.

"James, are you alright?" Matthew asked gently.

"That's.. not my name." James said flatly.

Shit.. He'd triggered James. His friend began to cry - no, more like tears were slipping down from expressionless eyes.

James suddenly stood and lunged at Mathew, knocking him to the ground as he began to scream at Matt.

"HELP!"James screamed as he shook his friend. "THEY'RE TORTURING ME, LET ME OUT YOU HAVE TO LET ME OUTYOUHAVETOYOUHAVETOYOUHAVETO-"

Mathew was so shocked, he couldn't react. James screamed himself hoarse until suddenly, he gave a suprised shout, and collapsed onto his back, convulsing in agony at the hands of orderlies who had appeared in the room.

"Are you alright?" Doctor Wilson asked as he extended a hand and helped Mathew to his feet, pulling him away as the orderlies descended upon James' form, brandishing a syringe. Quickly, Doctor Wilson escorted Mathew out of the room, away from James' dreaful shrieking protests.

They returned to the doctor's office, where Wilson handed Mathew a glass of water. Matt graciously accepted it, ignoring the odd drop spilling out from how badly his hands shook. He downed the glass, wiped his face, and finally spoke. "What- what will happen now?"

"We will have to change his medication, and I'm going to perscribe another course of ECT." The doctor replied, calm but with a hint of frustration.

Mathew realised that clearly, James' treatment had been quite a difficult process that was now far from over.

"Shock therapy?" he asked.

"While that is the outdated term for it.. yes. It is now quite safe, and often used in quite severe cases of mental illness. Clearly, his schizophrenic hallucinations and paranoia are not yet treated. We will have to increase our efforts to stop these delusions that he is being trapped here."

"Will I be able to return and visit him again, Doctor?"

"Maybe after the next round of ECT. Thank you for coming, Mathew."

As Mathew drove away from the Redwood hospital, he wondered what fate he was leaving his friend to.

Tags:

@jazatronasmr @onthishamsterwheel @bumpthumpwhump @bloodsweatandpotato @whatiswhump @jancameforthewhump @dream-whump @ratking-whump @inkstainsonmyhands12 @halstead-shaw13 @sparrowsage @sowhumpful @whatwhumpcomments @caspersdelusion

[cdd-systems-support]

hi idk if you do like... advice or anything? ik ur blog has support in the url but I'm not the best at inferring stuff sometimes so like if u don't answer this sort of thing ur totally free to delete it, no hard feelings i can always find someone else to ask 👍

anyway I'm just... kind of stressed that i moght be wrong about being a system? i mean it's something I've been kind of sure of for a few years now but i also have a lot of other mental health stuff going on so 1. I'm worried being a system AND psychotic AND depressed AND having ocd AND being autistic AND having adhd is like... too much? even though i know it's fully possible it still feels like I'm not allowed or something. and 2. i can't relate to a lot of apparently common experiences? like i can't talk to my alters or anything like that but i have memory loss and dissociate a lot and reading back conversations and old posts i can tell like. oh that message i don't remember sending doesn't sound quite like me. so it makes things super confusing and makes me worried about saying anything about it because if I'm wrong I'll feel like an awful person, but if I'm right then it's something I'd like my friends to know, you know?

anyway I'm sorry for dumping all this on you but if you have any advice for like. figuring this stuff out (or if you can just tell me like "yeah you're not a system" that would help immensely too lol) it would be hugely appreciated, but again, no pressure to answer or even read this, wishing you the best regardless!

hi! am answer this sort of things, so don't worry! thank you for asking.

1) it's not only normal but pretty common to have a lot of comorbidities. disabilities are like "buy one, get 7 for free." let's look at your list.

adhd and autism have high comorbidity rate and it's widely recognized in community and medical field. sourse

"as many as 80% of adults with adhd have at least one coexisting psychiatric disorder." sourse

and it's also widely recognized and known that autism and adhd have high comorbidity with depression and anxiety disorders.

"individuals first diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders had a 2-fold higher risk of a later diagnosis of ocd, whereas individuals diagnosed with ocd displayed a nearly 4-fold higher risk to be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders later in life." sourse

"there is strong evidence for the existence of a high comorbidity between autism and psychosis with percentages reaching up to 34... according to literature, up to 34.8% of the patients with a diagnosis of asd can show psychotic symptoms and, similarly, autistic traits have been reported in schizophrenia patients in a percentage ranging between 3.6 and 60%." sourse

"while some studies showed no co-occurrence of ssds (schizophrenia spectrum disorders) and dds (dissociative disorders), others showed that between 9% and 50% of schizophrenia spectrum patients also meet diagnostic criteria for a dd. one study showed that in a sample of patients diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (did) 74.3% also met diagnostic criteria of a ssd, 49.5% met diagnostic criteria for schizoaffective disorder, and 18.7% met diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia." sourse

as you may see, neurodivergencies you listed are comorbid with one another. it's very possible to have them all (yes i haven't found comorbidities for every diagnosis with every diagnosis but there's some examples).

also, being system is a result of trauma, and being neurodivergent kid may be traumatizing experience. you may face ableism and misunderstanding, live in world unfriendly to your neurotype, etc. also being neurodivergent may increase your sensitivity to trauma or may do some "normal" things traumatic to you (like being forced to socialize, being forced to mask, etc).

so it's definitely not "too much" to have all these neurodivergencies and it makes sense actually.

2) your experience of being system doesn't have to match perfectly with others' experiences.

some people can't talk to alters. some people use external communication. some people can't communicate with alters at all. some people (me) may not notice communication.

it's possible to have high dissociative barriers. it's possible (and pretty common) to struggle with communication. it may be underrepresented in some community places, but it's very real challenge for lots of systems.

(also you may wanna research osdd-1a and pdid).

i have made post with some did signs (not exhaustive but heard of). maybe you may find it useful to look for different signs of alters presenting, not only communication. here

and again. if you come up wrong, you won't be awful. making mistakes doesn't make someone awful. it's okay not to know. it's okay not to be sure. it's okay to be questioning. it's okay to question something and be wrong / decide it's not your situation. you aren't bad. you don't appropriate things when you try to understand yourself. when you try to figure things out.

you may tell your friends if you wanna. even if you aren't perfectly sure. you may call yourself questioning system.

no one is born with clear and perfect knowledge abt themselves. to know yourself you have to question things. and sometimes you will be wrong. and it's okay.

hope it was helpful. if you have more questions (or if i misunderstood something and haven't answered properly), feel free to ask.

[hitlikehammers]

💜✨🖤WIP Wednesday🖤✨💜

Tagged by @dreamwatch, a week or so ago (or possibly more), sorry it took a bit but I always love a tag game so: thank you!

It’s WIP Wednesday, time for a little accountability, sharing your work, and getting a kick in the pants.

Here’s how it works:

In a reblog of this post (so people can find you in the notes) or new thread (w/ rules attached) if you want to play on your own, post up to five (5) filenames of your WIPs; not titles, file names.

Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be words you wrote in the last 7 days. We’re posting progress here. If you haven’t made any, go make some and come back to play!

After you’ve posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can't share from (for example, an event or gift fic), write 3 sentences on it anyway, and then 3 more on another to share.

That’s it! You can invite others to join in, or just post.

If you’re reading this, you’re invited!

If you see someone posting a WIP Wednesday Game snippet, send them an ask! Make them write.

✨Filenames:

fuck google sideways with a toffee apple on a stick; pt 12

psychiatric greenhouse 

to sacrifice a human heart

siren song

feeling freezes

Snippet, snippet, snippet...okay, let's go #5:

“How’d you know?” They’re driving to the gate Eddie made, the one he came through to start with—close the loop, that’d had been the justification, when all Eddie wanted was to rip open the world from where the new trailer sat in hopes it’d budge, that it’d let him through and give him Steve when he landed, where Eddie could fall into him and save him and maybe save himself, too, the part inside his own chest that’s been throbbing like a wound, open and weeping since Eddie came through and Steve wasn’t here. But, he’s okay with sticking to the plan. Taking no unnecessary chances. Playing this close to the books, at least to until they go off-script and burn the fucker down. However. However, Eddie would like to lodge…not a compliant, per se. Not exactly a complaint. A complaint is very one-dimensional. He’d be more interested in, like…whatever the instantaneous-immediate version of a Strongly Worded Letter is. Because his words wouldn’t allbe complaining words, exactly, but they would all be very very strong. Because this is the fun fucking thing: they’d apparently driven Robin to the cabin in the goddamn squad-car. As in: the fuzz-mobile belonging to none other than one Chief Back-From-the-Dead, Eddie’s favorite law enforcement professional who’s definitely taken him for a spin in this here vehicle more than once, involving far more irritation and threat than anything else, including what was honestly a disappointingly low actual number of incidents involving handcuffs. “Robin does not drive, because Robin does not have a car. Steve,” El had explained as she’d climbed in and made no mistake that Eddie was to follow: “Steve helped her get her license, because he needed another driver,” and yeah, okay, right. Because, for a brief window that seemed much bigger, much longer, much more life-changing than its timeframe should have been capable of and yet: for a brief window? Eddie had been a fully-capable—if not always comfortable for the more sensitive types among his passengers—‘other driver’. And then Eddie’d been gone. Fuck.

As ever, some no-pressure tags (and ignore if you're not writing OR have already been tagged): @steddiely @vthx @penny00dreadful. @markcat @gutterflower77 and legitimately anyone who wants to participate, tag me so I can see your words, too! 🖤

[compassionatereminders]

I'm schizophrenic and I haven't talked about my own psychiatric trauma, but once when I tried to open up about something on my much smaller account I got a similar nasty anon. It really hit me where it hurts. I'm not saying this anon wasn't being more targeted but also they didn't have to be because people just fucking love to treat us schizos like we're subhuman and like it's fun to trigger us, and they know most of us have issues with psychiatry or they even just legit think we should just be drugged up... It's disgusting and ableist and really hurtful. But really not that clever, just same old ableist saneist drawl.

I think you get to decide what you're comfortable sharing, and with anon on it means sometimes someone will respond to what you say with something mean. They are cowards who hide in anonymity. If you turn anon off they can't do anything. With anon they can send hurtful words. It's true i can't deny it. But unfortunately they do that even when you don't share so much personal 😭 some peoplee are just so mean. But they are powerless little nasty bullies hiding behind anonymity. And you are the big powerful 50k+ blog. They are like fucking mosquitos. And they just want their oooh so clever little insults to be seen by your huge audience. I'm sorry this happened. All of it. I love your account. It helped me a lot. But do what you gotta do. Including turning off anon. Even though I will be sad bc I'm a bit too paranoid to come off anon. But that's ok i mostly just love reading your words and takes, i love the way you write and think. Sorry I'm rambling.

But if I turned anon off, then I wouldn't be getting asks like yours either. And that would be a big loss to me. So at least for now, I'd rather deal with the occasional asshole than cut everyone off to avoid them

[schizoetic]

CW psychosis experience

Psychosis is trying to lift a several hundred pound hospital bed to the point you badly throw your back out.

Finding hidden messages anywhere there's words to be read.

Sensing cameras in every light.

Thinking you're financially rich without a penny to your name.

Paranoia that comes and twists you apart.

Breaking things that mean everything to you.

Alternating from laughing and crying again and again to the point it confuses those around you.

Thinking illegal substances are making you better.

It is thinking all food is poisoned or made of unmentionables.

Knowing the fate of eternity is on your shoulders.

It's thinking you're God and seeing that your powers make things happen.

It's remembering past lives so vividly it makes you sweat.

It's feeling a chip in your brain you want to remove yourself just for some relief.

... losing total touch with how to talk and not even noticing it.

Forgetting who you are in entirety and watching people be confused that you don't remember them.

It's ending up with no friends because you freak people out.

Playing a few notes on an instrument over and over and over thousands a times a day... For years.

It's fabricating complete relationships with people all in your mind without knowing it.

Psychosis is convincing yourself you don't need food and not noticing your body dwindle away from malnutrition until your ribcage is exposed.

Feeling the whole world wants you dead and in a coffin.

Waving at the sky to the aliens above.

Losing complete trust in yourself.

Banging on the confines of a psych ward cell and not getting why the girl in the room across the hall is crying.

... drinking dangerous amounts of water until your organs legitimately start shutting down.

It's feeling responsible for everything in the Universe... Including the bad stuff.

Wandering up a highway in a hospital gown blowing in the wind after narrowly escaping a psychiatric ward.

Hearing planets of prayers being broadcast in your ears.

The simplest of things working you up until you hyperventilate so scared that you hide.

Misplacing everything.

Trusting the worst people who take you for everything you're worth.

Being laughed at by nurses who can't contain themselves.

Trying to get on planes that you can't fathom aren't yours.

Throwing yourself at traffic to test the Universe.

Being under the belief that you know anything that can be learned.

Talking in slow motion or so fast that people can't make out what you're saying.

Finding yourself bed bound.

Feeling every atom look at you without stopping.

Pacing a tiny room without understanding of why you're there.

Reading signs all over... Even in the sky, grass and glare of the sun.

Having the thought that everyone on Earth knows who you are.

Drinking fowl tasting urine thinking it'll protect you from death.

Shattering loneliness from being locked away involuntarily.

Certain that you own every house and vehicle in sight.

Uncountable pills and appointments.

Having whole conversations with the use of telepathy.

It's not "strange smiles".

But yes, it's often rocking back and forth.

It's sending hundreds of thousands of texts only to end up remembering virtually none of them.

Wandering the woods aimlessly.

Writing to convince people you're totally sane until doctors beg for you to be helped by them.

It's making this list which is making me shudder.

It's being unable to tell what's a memory or imagination.

I guess it's also not knowing if you're thinking or talking.

It's to die every day until you get help and a community intervenes.

[ladyimaginarium]

This month is Pride Month and Indigenous History Month so please support our indigenous turtle island communities, know who's land you're on and support queer indigenous turtle islander creators, & on top of that, July 13th is also my& birthday & July is also Disability Pride Month & Queer Wrath Month !! I& just find it's funny how white queers get all this support & clout, but the minute a queer Native Jew asks for any kind of mutual assistance, it's like cricket noises, but anyway, here I& go again, just in case someone actually does wanna help out!

While not obligatory, if you want to help support a local queer, trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, intersex, mspec, aspec, autistic, disabled, neurodivergent, hoh, chronically ill, psychotic spoonie witch two spirited mixed native and ashkenazi jewish bodied multigenic DID system who's an aspiring activist, ASMRtist, fashion model, voice & film actrex ( hopefully getting into something big on Netflix or HBO one day ), ASMRtist, youtuber/vtuber, polyglot & writer with asking us& to be your sensitivity reader, commissioning us& ( to be available! ), book a tarot reading with us& ( to be available! ), donating to help us& save up for getting our& multipurpose psychiatric service dog, and/or buying something from our& Throne wishlist which is a safe & anonymous way to buy gifts, because so far these are the best way to support us& or simply donating to our& P*yP*l because you enjoy our& content. Gifts are not necessary, but appreciated, & after receiving your gift if you choose to, I'd& be more than happy to send you a personal thank you photoset or clip or post something on tumblr or elsewhere, regardless, I'd& really appreciate it! We& didn't have a great childhood growing up as we& were abused for a decade & we& weren't taught many lifeskills so we're& still learning from the gate. Even though we aren't in a life threatening emergency, I'm& generally not in the right financial space to spend a lot & buying my& own shit because I'm& Saving Up™ for a lot of things, including the possibility of me& moving to my& first ever apartment next year & my& future service dog & I& cannot work due to my& multiple disabilities, the fact I& can't stand up for long periods of time without feeling exhausted & just being an overall madcripple, so whatever you do, it'd be greatly appreciated, especially if it's from white settlers, so if you're white, you can think of this as paying reparations us& for dealing with antinative racism, antisemitism, ableism, sanism, pluralphobia, psyism, audism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, multitransphobia, aphobia, exorsexism, intersexism and the ongoing colonization of my people and fighting on the behalf of the indigenous, queer and plural communities on here while for any POC reading this, you can think of this as extending your solidarity with us&, so after I& spent a lot of blood sweats and tears into what i& do, I'm& finally asking something that would benefit me& for a change, even like 10$ could help, but even if you still can't for whatever reason, please spread the word out to help us& live easier as a disabled, neurodivergent mixed native system in this ableist & racist world !!

[figula]

last night i was thinking how the NHS treated me whenever i was dim enough to ask for help for my madness + just getting like more and more angry remembering it lmfao

i actually think that severing myself from like the idea of "help" and "psychiatry" and "CBT" and "mental health" has been more beneficial to my QOL than literally anything the NHS ever did for me, so im at peace w/ it on the whole, however there were some real highlights:

me sitting sobbing my eyes out in a small room w/ two strangers begging them to Please Help, and receiving a letter a few weeks later saying i wasn't ill enough for any help + i was on my own

being diagnosed w/ BPD (a big regret i have - once i cann afford to spend £250 on a psych visit im going to try and get that scrubbed off my record bc at the time of diagnosis like ~8 years ago i was naive enough to think that a diagnosis that wasn't depression or anxiety would force the NHS into giving me "help". however, obviously, as you all know, a BPD diagnosis is the 2020s equivalent of Female Hysteria

i was offered a round of CBT (classic) but there was an 18m waiting list and in that 18m i was diagnosed w/ the BPD. so i had a conversation w/ them in which they were like "we can only do the anxiety/depression, if you talk about anything BPD-ish we'll terminate you"

went to the minor injuries unit after a particularly bad self-harm session + was not asked any questions about how i was doing mentally, they didnt check i was safe, they didnt ask me if i was gonna be ok at home lol, they just cleaned me / bandaged me / sent me home again (tbh idk what id rather they did tbh like. i dont want to be sectioned - i was just kind of astonished by the lack of pretence at caring how i was doing)

in the last-ditch effort i made to get some "help" i told my (beloved! none of this is his fault) GP that if he had anything going i'd be willing to give it a shot. he told me there was this local unit opening up for "personality disorders" and that given i was motivated + all that shit i would be a perfect fit for it. (at this time i was already leery of the BPD label but i was still thinking like: maybe it will actually open THIS door to "treatment") i said to him: i know for a fact they will not accept me. you're welcome to try, but i am 100% sure that they will find a reason to reject me as a patient. and he was like no no no! haha why wouldn't they :) i'll send them a personal email about you! and they'll take you on my reccommendation! and i was like lol ok roy. anyway yeah of course they didnt accept me - as i told him they wouldnt - and he was so shocked and upset during that conversation where he told me this - and i was just like totally unemotional like "i told you this would happen" and he was like just so shocked about it all (honestly idk why, as a doctor, he must see the carnage, but whatever) and just like "my god - you were right" (yeah no shit roy) and yeah that was just the moment i was like alright im never doing any of this shit again, never ever.

to be honest my suggestion to anyone in a similar situation is to read up on antipsychiatry lmfao (shout out to bananapeppers for forcing it into my eyeballs via tumblr) bc it really changed my mindset for the better. that's probably quite a bleak sentiment to end a post about psychiatry on but uh. i dont know what to say otherwise. i don't believe in "mental healthcare" anymore like i rly dont. im doing 100x better now that i refuse to talk to doctors about my madness. there is no moral to this post

ETA: from @bananapeppers herself: "for anyone reading this who may be interested, this is an England-based antipsychiatry organization that I recommend: Campaign for Psychiatric Abolition ( https://linktr.ee/cpabolition)"

[synthient]

Probably observations that have been made by plenty of people over the last century, but:

Fascinating how the Evil and Unnatural control that Dracula wields over people, is mirrored against the Good and Natural control of men over women; the rich over the poor; the British over backwards and savage foreigners; doctors over the insane.

Fascinating how much the Jonathan's Spooky Castle Adventure segment is subtextally about the horror of feminization. On the obvious level of being subject to sexual violence, sure, but also on the level of being trapped in a domestic space that you're not allowed to leave. The person who's the greatest threat to you is the also the person you've been made absolutely dependant on. You have to keep up a cheerful facade, play along with his social games, and pretend to be too stupid to realize you're a prisoner, if you want any hope of survival.

Fascinating how much the rest of the (surface level) text is dedicated to frantically backtracking that (early, subtextal) insight. The Heteropatriarchal Gender Order is actually the greatest thing in the word! Look how rosy and wholesome the scooby gang polycule is! (Again, our cute jokey pseudo-polygamy is mirrored against their barbarous 3 brides). Yet all the while, the inherent grotesqueness of these relations can't help bleeding through the sentimental trappings - the "euthanasia is such a beautiful word" bit springs to mind

Fascinating how our Three Heroes are, respectively, representatives of The Psychiatric Order, The British Nobility, and American Colonial Expansion (Quincy specifically gets congratulated on the recent Texan secession from Mexio). Fascinating how Dracula and Van Helsing never actually face off directly - everything is mediated through Mina, and it all comes down to a brainwash-off to see who can control her better.

Fascinating how Jonathan's feminization narrative is also haunted by the specter of institutionalization (via the Renfield subplot, which barely ties in with the main story on a surface level). It's not the horrors themselves that affect him the most - it's not being able to trust his own perceptions. (It's the idea that if he really had been "mad," then his imprisonment would have been justified).

Fascinating that the book later goes to great pains to show that he's Regained His Manly Vigour And Has A Knife Now, yet his emasculation still clings to him in the Dracula-based cultural consciousness: he's composited with Renfield to keep that emasculation from infecting the hero in the 30s; he's the unappealing weak prettyboy of the 90s love triangle; he's Shaggy in the scooby gang (unrelated to the Serious Analysis, but it is deeply funny how obvious the Velma=Mina/Daphne=Lucy/Fred=Arthur inspo is now).

Fascinating how much the ultimate question of the book is "What's the Right way to do gender? (and therefore do whiteness/Britishness/patriarchy/colonialism/capitalism?) The answer, apparently, is that both sexes should aspire to a "a woman's brain and a man's heart" - Mina's man-brain, and the Five Guys' woman-sensitivity - while still dutifully playing the roles of their "natural" power dynamic. The obvious inverse is a woman's brain with a man's heart - and is that not Dracula and his "child brain;" the brides and their "cold hard voluptuousness"?

Fascinating to read Mina and Jonathan as effectively the same character (with Mina picking up the gender-power themes Jonathan left off, in a more socially-acceptable vessel). Fascinating how strong the religious cognitive dissonance is throughout. And of course, the whole thing is drenched with Bram Stoker sending some gay little letters to Walt Whitman (as every single victorian gay guy apparently did), then seeing the Oscar Wilde trial and Freaking Out

[rockinlibrarian]

You Should

Wake up bright and early.

No, wait, feed the cat is first.

Feed the cat.

Wake up bright and early.

Give your spouse physical affection.

Help spouse get ready for work.

Clean the poor cats' food area sometime.

Throw out old food before it gets bad. Or maybe even eat it first.

Get dressed. Your clothes must be clean, wrinkle-free, appropriate for the needs of the day and for the weather, and they must fit properly and be flattering.

Well why HAVEN'T you been to the bathroom yet?

Get the kids up for school. They should be getting themselves up for school, they won't live with mom forever. If they don't get up on time, well, why didn't you get them up?

Take your medication. Make sure the kids take their medication. They should be taking responsibility for their own medication, they won't live with mom forever. If they don't take their medication on schedule, how do we know what's actually working or not?

Get the kids breakfast. They should be getting their own breakfast, they won't live with mom forever. If mom doesn't get them breakfast, they forget to eat. Also it should be a balanced breakfast, never mind the picky eaters. If they don't eat breakfast, they fall asleep in class. Why aren't they getting their work done in first period?

Make the kids do the chores they should have done yesterday. Yes, before school. Don't let them miss the bus. Your kids should be at the bus stop ten minutes before it is scheduled to arrive. Don't let them stand out in the cold.

Sign this paper for school. It was due yesterday. Also I need money for this, too. Why is it taking so long, we're going to miss the bus!

Get breakfast. It should be a balanced breakfast. Don't eat your kid's abandoned half-bagel. Don't let food go to waste.

This is the school calling. Sign this paper your kid should have given you two months ago. Do we need to send another copy?

Make doctors appointments. Make dentist appointments and also separate orthodontist appointments. Make counseling appointments and also separate psychiatric appointments. Make vet appointments. Make optometrist appointments. Make an appointment about your car. But not at that place, the other place, that specializes in that other thing. Our office is open between the hours of 9 AM and 4 PM, and is closed for lunch between 12:30 and 1:30. Please call back during our regular office hours.

Feed the cat. It's too early to feed the cat. Don't ignore your poor cat who is obviously in need of your attention.

You forgot your breakfast.

Stay up to date with current events. Call your senators. Volunteer. Give money to this cause. Give money to this other cause. How can you let such atrocities exist? Why are you not protesting? Amplify marginalized voices! Not those ones, THESE ones! Also, raise your own voice! Except not yours, we don't actually care what you have to say. Why aren't you contributing your voice? Don't like, REBLOG! Likes do NOTHING! Why does nobody ever like what you post? Maybe because nobody cares what you have to say. Why do you never post? Read everything. Leave comments. Care about your friends' lives. TALK to your friends. Nurture your support system. Get off of social media. Find new friends, then.

Time to go. What do you mean you have to go to the bathroom again? Why didn't you go before? Get more water. NOW feed the cats. Weren't you supposed to bring something? Find your keys. Put them in the same place every time and you won't have this problem. Make a homemade lunch, those frozen meals have too many preservatives. What do you mean you're late?

Don't speed. Don't be late. Call if you're going to be late. Don't stop now, you're going to be late. Don't use a cell phone in the car. Get gas yesterday.

Why are you out of breath? Wait to sign in. Sign in on time.

Keep a tidy workspace. Don't forget anything. Your ADHD brain needs visible organization techniques. Other people don't want to see that.

Stay up with correspondance. Don't email, phone. Don't phone, email. Talk to me in person. I'm busy right now. Why did you never tell me about that? Why don't you communicate better?

Plan programs that are engaging and educational! You're running too long! You're letting them go too soon! Clean and shelve and research grants! Don't spend all your time at the desk. The desk must be staffed.

Greet everyone who comes in. Chat! Respect their needs! Don't bother me! Be friendly! Talk! No, talk about NORMAL things!

Keep the collection up to date! Don't weed anything! It's too crowded and messy! Why don't we have the latest and greatest new books?

If you can't handle it, maybe you shouldn't work.

We don't have enough money, and you're smart, you should have a good job.

Go shopping! In person! Don't spend a lot. Don't waste money on junk. Why do we never have anything I like?

Make homecooked dinners. Make healthy dinners. Not that. No one but you will eat that.

Lose weight. Buy more dessert. The emphasis on weight is misdirected and doesn't really affect health. All your health problems would be eased if you lost weight, including your breath, balance, and bad foot. Exercise. Get your foot checked out by a doctor then.

Did you make that appointment yet?

This house is a pigsty. Then make the kids do it. Don't do it for them. Why is everything piling up?

You're always tired. Call the doctor.

Why don't we play games as a family?

You NEED to watch this show and/or movie.

Why don't you write books like you always said you would?

Make time for yourself.

Shower. Brush your teeth. Clean the bathroom.

Get to bed early.

Don't snore.

Feed the cat.

Originally posted on my Dreamwidth: https://rockinlibrarian.dreamwidth.org/294751.html

[rahullkohli]

Hi, Annika. I just saw your last post and I wanted to check in and see if you're doing okay. I am sending you my best.

jesus christ this is two months old, i am so sorry. thank you so much for checking in on me, it's honestly so nice to log in to see. i appreciate it so much. i'll just put explanation under a cut because it's all just a lot. you don't have to read, but at least i can use it to dump my brain for what's been going on, because i don't have anyone to talk to about it.

but ily for caring about me, i truly was scared to log in and find that no one had noticed i was gone and that people just forgot i existed.

so basically, my dad was in the hospital with a blood clot in his eye at the beginning of december, which fucked up his sight a lot. and everything was just so heavy with christmas being the worst time of the year for me, and then on top of that last year was absolute hell for me so i just fell heavy into the depression.

then on january 4th or sth my dad had another blood clot in the brain, which brings us to the ninth blood clot in his brain in about two years. this time around was the worst hit so far, and he now needs so much help. so i'm basically his primary caregiver again. he has a nurse that comes a couple times a week, and social health workers coming every day to make sure he eats, do some cleaning, help with stuff like laundry and such, which is a huge relief. but there's still so many other things he can't help with, and that all falls on me. like going to his hospital appointments with him because his memory and eyes are basically worthless at this point.

on top of that my depression is just getting worse and worse. except for when i go to help my dad, i don't see anyone socially. my dad never asks me about how i'm doing, how my life is, or anything like that, neither does the rest of my family. i only hear from them when they ask about our dad. so i am more or less just a tool for them.

and tumblr just started feeling like such a negative place. most of what i saw was people telling others what they were allowed to like and not like, and if you didn't adhere to those rules you were told you were a monster. and most stuff i saw on my dash seemed to be new things i didn't have the energy to engage with (i still haven't watched wednesday even though i was so excited for it). and it was a lot of all the bad crap happening in the world, and tumblr didn't feel like an escape any longer, it just felt like it was amplifying my depression, and speaking into the catastrophe thinking side of my OCD and anxiety, and it made my intrusive thoughts hit a level i honestly haven't experienced before, and i was genuinely afraid of myself.

and i'm just exhausted. the past three months i have been in bed when i haven't been doing stuff for my dad. the only thing i have for myself to keep me sane atm is running twice a week, yoga once a week, and song lessons once a week. the support person i got switched to after my old one quit is on sick leave now, so i have a temp, but i can't really talk to her because all of my shit is just such a heavy baggage and i don't know where to start, especially since i'm hopefully only seeing her for another month.

i'm just tired. if i didn't have cas to take care of, i think i would have asked my doctors about options for psychiatric hospitals for a while. i feel like a zombie most of the time, and i only keep going because there's not really any other alternative. so i guess that's that.

at least i was able to work things out with my vet bill, and i'll be paying the last installment next month, and cas is strong and healthy as if nothing happened.

also, i'm using pedro pascal to cope.so that too.

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

hey, i've (due to chronic disorganization) lost a bunch of resources on mad liberation/antipsych discussions of psychosis, and i'm trying to send some resources along to someone who's currently struggling with the psychiatric institution and wants to learn more about psychosis from a mad-centered perspective.

can i get some links to good introductory readings on psychosis, how it's culturally constructed, non-western-centric views of psychosis, criticisms of consensus reality, and humanistic/positive treatments of psychosis and frameworks through which to view it that are not centered in the psychiatric institution? also just generally if you're antipsych and mad, links to your favorite readings on psychosis in general would be super helpful! thank you!!

[crippledpunks]

when you're disabled, going to the doctor and being in medical care is a full-time job.

i have a therapy group for processing trauma that is 3 hours long, 3 days a week. i see my individual therapist once a week for an hour. i have to attend frequent appointments, about every 2 - 4 weeks, with my medications nurse to keep my medications stable. i book as many appointments with my primary care doctor as possible, usually once every 2 - 3 months. i am currently waiting for referrals for rheumatology, physical therapy, and genetics. i have a case manager, and am applying for in-home caregiving services. i generally speaking have such severe mental health symptoms that i need to go to the psychiatric hospital once every 4 - 5 months. i'm applying for disability and had to also find a lawyer who takes disability cases and have been up social security's ass for months.

i am constantly making phone calls, sending emails, reading discharge paperwork, learning about new medications and their effects, researching terms and diagnoses, trying to find programs and organizations to help with my specific disabilities, figuring out where offices are located, booking rides to and from appointments, having to find new doctors and therapists when i end up assigned bad ones who mistreat me and withhold medication- i am spending just as much time in my week interacting with medical professionals as my friends do at their jobs.

we bust our ass, just in different ways, and for many of us, it shouldn't have to be this way.