#illustrating it all feels so much easier even when it takes more time

[forgettable-au]

Sans do you ever feel that something might be missing?

Maybe he felt like that at some point, maybe for a long time. In the present, I think he's made some kind of peace with it.

Also, I really like the ask blog format, but I don't really mean this to be an ask blog.

So when writing questions, try to refer them to me instead of the characters. That way, they don't have to break the fourth wall lmao. I really wanted to answer this one tho

-

[toctua]

🥀 TOCTUA'S FRIENDS TO LOVERS [PART I] 🥀

🥀The acquaintance and then friendship of Tom and Noctua was an ordinary coincidence: a filled Hogwarts Express and the only almost empty compartment where she boarded. They are 11 and both of them are eager to see Hogwarts from the inside and learn its secrets.

🥀Tom thought that he would tolerate her for a while, especially since Noctua turned out to be a pureblood. young Tom was going to take EVERYTHING he needed out of her and leave her. But this did not happen.

🥀Noctua was surprisingly flexible and, what Tom liked most, knew how to keep secrets. He loved the way she ignored conversations that didn't concern her, losing herself in her own thoughts. He liked that she seemed not to notice his inclinations, apparently due to the fact that she grew up in a completely deserted place.

🥀The first time he opened up to her, it all turned into a search for his magical roots and the terrifying truth about his origins. Tom didn't seem to care at all that he and Noctua were second cousins, and she was confused. He took advantage of this too, putting pressure on pity little by little, forcing her to become more and more attached to him.

🥀They often hushed this up among themselves, until one day, as a joke, she began whispering to him in Parseltongue, saying all sorts of stupid things. It was such a boring day that Tom didn’t even notice how he picked up this fun from her. And this is just one of the little things that have been following them since that day.

🥀Thread by thread, their friendship grew stronger by connecting themselves with such seemingly trifles. Tom was sure that she was the only one he could truly trust. His blood. A piece of his puzzle that so perfectly fills in the missing pieces of the picture.

🥀And over time, their constant presence with each other became an integral part of Tom Riddle’s life. They explored the castle together, year after year, collecting bits and pieces of knowledge that was not taught at Hogwarts. They studied everything inside and out, but working as a team this always seemed not enough.

🥀And when Noctua became seriously ill (in the fifth year of Hogwarts), and Tom remained separated from her, something inside him grated unpleasantly. Although he had followers, he missed the feeling of her walking side by side with him. For the first month, he came to see her in the hospital wing, until Noctua was sent to St. Mungo's for 3 long months.

🥀It seemed to Tom that a chink had appeared in his armor. It was as if he was walking with his back bare, into which the gun was constantly pointed. He missed this carelessness and the confidence that Tom felt next to her. He decided to fight this caustic feeling.

🥀This was the year they wanted to find the Basilisk, and Tom set out to do it alone, to prove to himself that Noctua was not so important. He definitely got carried away, so much so that half-giant Hagrid was eliminated and poor Moaning Myrtle died. Tom liked it, it wasn’t perfect, his hands were still shaking nervously, and something clearly clicked in his head.

🥀Noctua returned to school. She noticed changes in Tom, it was not difficult to guess that something had happened. He became emotional in front of her, swore that everything had happened so suddenly, he thought the toilet was empty, and then… His voice trembled… And she believed. He got away with all this theater so easily. Noctua was exhausted from dragon pox and Riddle happily took advantage of this.

p/s/ omg I'm so sorry this is taking so long. I have already written the full text, but I have one more illustration to do. I'm currently overloaded with my hyperfixes and therefore I'm taking on everything a little bit at a time… I hope the second part won't take much time…

I know it's not perfect, but I tried to convey their relationship as best I could. It was much easier to do this from Tom's perspective, since the previous sketches from Noctua's perspective were slightly chaotic and did not give a complete picture of the canon…

[rewritingcanon]

next gen characters and their favourite parent 🫣

victoire: fleur but maybe only by a margin (very close, bill should not take it personally that victoire just specifically admires fleur more because they are more similar in character, she really loves her dad)

dom: bill because he let her get tattoos before she was 18 and he will brush her hair in the morning when she’s too tired to do it herself

louis: fleur because their mother would never allow louis to leave the house looking ugly and they really appreciate that

molly: percy, because they are similar in person and when he gives her approval it just makes her feel more satisfied yknow

lucy: audrey because her mother lets her get away with more stuff than her dad does, so she feels more comfortable being goofy with her than her dad

fred: george because his love language is irritating people and george will just give the same energy back without any qualms

roxanne: angelina, she feels they have a greater understanding between them and she goes to her mother for advice more often

james: ginny, he is the definition of a momma’s boy who would always go soft on her

albus: ginny, even though he feels he’s more similar to harry, sometimes ginny just saying shit as it is gives him a rare sort of calm he appreciates

lily: harry, she loves making her dad interested in anything and everything shes interested in and he’s always genuinely listening to her

rose: no. she genuinely has no preference she loves her parents the same. she is very consistent in her love for them

hugo: contrary to rose, it honestly depends on the day. ron will sneak him toffee and hot chocolate late on a saturday evening and hugo will deem him the favourite parent, the next day hermione buys him a squishmallow and she is

teddy: …andromeda

scorpius: even though he would rather keel over than ever think of liking one parent more than the other… he was closer with astoria growing up (due to their likeness she could bond with him easier), but obviously as scorpius grows up he gets closer with his dad, and he’ll have more experiences with him than he ever had with his mother.

lysander: rolf because he takes lysander all over the world to pursue his interests in geology. rolf will be trying to tame some swedish serpent whilst lysander is inspecting the pebbles in its cave and thats a normal father-son bonding time for them

lorcan: luna. lorcan has been illustrating for the quibbler since he was 13 because luna genuinely doesnt believe there is any other artist that can perfectly mirror the complexity of peculiar fantastical creatures as her son (it’s literally a stick figure)

alice: neville. she’s a daddy’s girl who has her dad wrapped around her finger. i mean, he loves her so much that he forgives her for hating gardening

frank: hannah. she forces him to help her fold the laundry with her and he hates it, but he still loves her (forcing him to help her with her chores just so she can spend more time with him, i see you hannah)

delphi: voldemort 😻😻 (she needs therapy immediately)

[rebeccalouisaferguson]

Warning: This article contains full spoilers for Dune: Part 2 and Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning.

In case you haven’t noticed, Dune is on top of the world right now. The much acclaimed and very lucrative second installment, Dune: Part 2, wraps up Denis Villeneuve’s take on the first book in Frank Herbert’s iconic science-fiction saga, setting the stage for the all but inevitable next film to tackle the second book, Dune Messiah. As IMAX theaters continue to fill up with Dune fans eager for a close-up look at Shai-Hulud, studio executives all over Hollywood will certainly be looking at what happened here to see if they can replicate Dune’s success with future projects. Beyond “letting directors make the movies they want to make” and “audiences are getting tired of formulaic franchise movies with dull visuals,” there’s one other element that stands out as a bit easier to implement…

The obvious answer is to cast Rebecca Ferguson in your movie.

Looking back at Ferguson’s Lady Jessica in both Dune Parts 1 and 2, she stands out not just as the best performance among an incredibly stacked cast, but also as a critical part of the film’s press tour through her chaotic energy and memeable personality. How did this Swedish sensation secure her place as the MVP of the Dune franchise? Let’s take a look.

That’s Mother (of the Messiah)

Over the course of both Dune films, which run about five hours in total, we run into a wide array of colorful characters played by a murderer’s row of Hollywood’s current top talent. However, many of the characters are either exclusive to one installment, go long stretches of the runtime without being seen, and in some special cases like Anya Taylor-Joy’s appearance as Alia, are clearly setups for films yet to come. Even Zendaya as Chani, who is credited as co-lead in Part 2, is restricted mostly to a handful of dream sequences in Part 1. However, the one character relationship that exists as the strongest throughline from the beginning of Paul Atreides’ journey all the way to its culmination in this first story is that of Paul and his mother, Lady Jessica of the Bene Gesserit.

n a film where many of the emotional beats can get drowned out a bit by the expansive backdrops and dour atmosphere, the foundational scenes of Part 1 illustrating the contradictory relationship between mother and son stand out as some of the film’s best. Jessica bore Paul out of love for his father, Leto, consciously choosing to grant him a son when she was instructed to do otherwise, and she cares for Paul’s safety above all others. At the same time, she is also a cunning manipulator who has been training Paul in the superhuman abilities of her order against their wishes, and grooming him for a dark destiny that the young Atreides spends much of the two films hoping to avoid. Jessica is simultaneously driven by a genuine love for her son and a desire to facilitate his rise to power, and Ferguson walks the razor-wire line between these two aspects with pinpoint precision.

This continues into Part 2, where we see Jessica step into an even more overtly villainous role as she schemes her way into assuming the mantle of Reverend Mother of the Fremen. Her relationship with Paul becomes more antagonistic as she sets in motion the events that will lead to his accepting the role of Lisan al Gaib and challenging the Emperor, to the point of even being deemed a traitor to the Bene Gesserit despite ostensibly doing what they wanted by bringing the Kwisatz Haderach into existence. That Jessica has any sympathy from the audience – despite being a eugenicist and megalomaniac who usurped the religious leadership of an indigenous culture so her son could claim dominion of the universe almost purely out of her own vanity – all comes down to Ferguson imbuing her with inner life and dimension that makes us feel like we understand her even when the script doesn’t actually give us every detail about her motivations.

From her recurring role as Ilsa Faust in the Mission: Impossible movies to portraying main villain Rose the Hat in Mike Flanagan’s Doctor Sleep, and now playing Lady Jessica in the Dune films, Ferguson has always been at her best when she takes on characters with a darker edge to their persona that she can contrast with her natural charm. Although Ilsa is more heroic than the other two, all three of these roles intrigue the audience, and the other characters they interact with, through seductive ambiguity, something Ferguson is better at than most of her contemporaries. But what makes this all the more interesting is that she’s seemingly an entirely different person off-camera, and one who is just as important to Dune’s success.

Princess of the Press Tour

As with all things, the true measure of a film’s success in the modern age is how many memes it spawns on social media. From one filmgoer riding a homemade sandworm at his local AMC to jokes about Stilgar’s somewhat overzealous dedication to his prophet, there’s no shortage of humor from fans sharing their responses to Villeneuve’s latest epic. However, one member of the cast is bringing her own brand of comedy to the party, and that’s none other than Rebecca Ferguson, who has taken to promotional interviews with an energy that can best be described as somewhere along a spectrum between “unconventional” and “frankly chaotic.” Not that there’s anything wrong with her having a goofy side to her; on the contrary, the impression she’s made on social media indicates she’s become a true fan favorite because of her behavior.

At a time when press tours are increasingly filled with inane questions and too many influencers at the expense of journalists, clips of Ferguson’s interviews where she reveals just how little of a filter she has have been one of the unsung joys of Part 2’s release. From admitting she still hasn’t read the novel even after making two movies, to texting Denis Villeneuve mid-interview to ask him the answer to a question she didn’t know, to even referencing MGM’s history of the casting couch after learning about the Dune popcorn bucket, Ferguson’s refreshing honesty and hilarious affability have stood out from the crowd amidst so many celebrities who have had much of their personalities sanded down by media training. These and other clips have been making the rounds online, keeping Dune-related media in the cultural conversation.

Given that many lesser films make “the mother of the main character” into a thankless role, Ferguson jumping in and stealing the show both on-screen and off is a reminder of how strange it is that so few Hollywood films have taken advantage of her talent. It also brings to mind how boneheaded of a move it was for the Mission: Impossible franchise to kill Ilsa off in such a haphazard way in Dead Reckoning. Now, to be fair, Ferguson has indicated she wanted to move on from the franchise after three installments, but there had to be a better send-off for her than to die mid-film in an incredibly hamfisted manner. We’re still interested in whatever happens next with the M: I franchise, but it’s a shame that an otherwise fine movie in Dead Reckoning is marred by how one of its star players was treated.

Regardless, it’s Mission’s loss and Dune’s gain, and paves the way for Ferguson to take on even more roles in the future. As Dune: Part 2 continues to gain accolades and box office momentum in part because of her contributions, hopefully the rest of Hollywood will follow in Villeneuve’s footsteps and clue in that this is one star worth investing in.

[dmysterioblog]

➻Lesson

Paring; General Okoye x reader

Summary: Okoye thinks you're a spoiled brat and deserve a lesson.

Warnings: Smut, cursing, degradation.

Word Count: 1.2k

A/n: This Fanfic is based on Princess Problems by @inmyheadimobsessed I wrote this with their consent of course but go give them some love!

You were in the lab working on new spears for the Dora Milaje with your sister, Shuri. You were finishing up to show the Elders. Shuri had told you that it wasn’t such a good idea because Okoye would be against it, but you were willing to try and maybe even get a reaction out of Okoye.

“I going to head to the throne room now Shuri,”

“Alright, good luck. You’re going to need it.”

You chuckled before heading out of the lab. You walked down the halls of the palace looking at every detail, even though you had seen it millions of times, you never got tired. Once before the big double doors, the guards opened them to let you in. Inside the throne room, there were all the Elders, the Queen, and Okoye. You smiled and bowed before explaining why you summoned everyone to the throne room.

“I’ve summoned you all here to present to you a project I have been working on,” you explained.

“Go on my dear,” your mother, the queen, said.

“I've made a new spear for the Dora Milaje,” you pulled out the spear for illustration, “These are much more effective than the old ones, easier to carry around and-”

“With all due respect the traditional spear will not change under my watch,” Okoye stated sternly.

“Oh come on Okoye it could be good for a change. Not everything has to be old like you,” you said, giving her a snarky smile.

“Listen here you spoiled little-”

“Have some respect, you two,” the queen cut in.

“But-”

“No buts. Take it outside.”

You sighed in defeat but obeyed your mother and walked out of the room, Okoye following behind. Once outside, Okoye started to walk away from you but you weren’t done just yet so you followed her. She heard your steps getting closer and in a swift motion, she had you pinned against a wall.

“I am getting tired of your little games. The only reason I’ve been holding back this long is because that’s my job. You're my job and that’s all you’ll ever be. You’re just a spoiled little brat that needs to be taught a lesson,” she finished, her face fuming.

Her words hurt you but you weren’t going to let her see that, so instead, you came up with one of your famous snarky comments.

“Teach me then,” you looked at her with a daring look. Before you knew it, she pulled you into a hard kiss. It was all tongue and teeth. You could almost feel the strength of her wrath through the kiss. While the kiss was rough, her lips were as soft as a flower petal. When she finally let go of you, she whispered two words in your ear, “Room. Now.”

You quickly started to head towards your chambers. Once inside, Okoye pushed against the door and started to kiss you again even rougher this time. Her aggressive action makes you release a moan into her lips.

“I can’t wait to put you in your place and have you chanting my name like a prayer. Now strip and lay on the bed, understood?”

“Yes, general.”

“Good,” she whispered lowly.

You started to take off your clothes as she stared at your every move, taking her gear off as well. As soon as you had laid on the bed, she laid down on top of you and started to caress your entire body. You started to get desperate but you didn’t want her to win just yet so you tried to keep up your act of the spoiled little brat.

“Are you going to do anything or have you gotten rusty over the years?” you said with a smug look on your face. Without warning, she stuffed her fingers inside your drenched pussy. You gasped out of surprise and pleasure.

“Not so bratty now, are we?” she said, keeping her rough pace. You tried to hide your face in her neck but she didn’t let you.

“No, look at me. I want to see you come undone under me.”

Your hand grabbed onto her arm as you felt your climax getting closer. And in that moment you finally broke.

“Please, General! Faster!”

“There’s the needy girl I knew you were,” she cooed.

“I-”

“Shhh I’ll give you what you want but if I continue I won’t stop.”

“Yes! Yes! Please don’t stop!”

She placed her hand on your throat before speeding up her thrusts. Her hand squeezing your throat made you feel lightheaded and the pleasure you felt made you feel ecstasy. You didn’t want her to stop any time soon.

“Does that feel good, princess?”

“So good!” you gasped out.

“Do you wanna cum, hm?”

“Yes, please! Please let me cum!”

“Apologies for being a brat then.”

“I’m sorry for being such a brat. I’m sorry, please!” she whined in desperation.

“Go on. Cum for me,” that’s all you needed to come undone. Your vision went white and when you came back down from your high, Okoye didn’t stop. You tried to get away from the overstimulation but she pinned you down.

“I told you that if I continued I wouldn’t stop. Now you’re going to take whatever I give you.”

You whimpered in response but nodded for her to keep going. This time her tongue joined as well. It was all too much but you wanted more. You tried to push her head deeper but she grabbed your hands with her free hand and pinned them to your chest.

“Ah ah, you don’t get to touch,” she said against your pussy, her voice sending vibrations to your core. You felt yourself coming closer to the edge once again. Your legs started to tremble around her head. This made her chuckle.

“Does the needy little slut want to cum again? Hm?” you tried to reply but you didn’t trust your voice to say anything, instead, you nodded in response.

“Go on then. Cum.”

Your back arched as your whole body started to tremble. You started to say her name over and over again like a prayer, just like she said you would.

“That’s right, scream my name y/n. Let everyone hear you.”

“Okoye!”

She brought her face to yours and pulled you into a passionate kiss while her fingers kept thrusting to let you ride your high. You started to feel overwhelmed but she didn’t stop again.

“‘S too much Okoye please I can’t take it.”

“Shhhh just one more and I promise I’ll stop. You can take it, I know you can.”

Your hands clawed at her back as you came undone once more. This time feel way too overwhelmed and began to sob. You squirmed against her and she finally pulled her hand away.

“Shh, it’s okay. You did so well.” She wiped your tears away before kissing your forehead and pulling you closer to her body.

“I really am sorry for how I acted,” you whispered into her chest.

“It’s okay my love, if you hadn’t acted like that, this wouldn’t have happened,” you chuckled before snuggling impossibly closer to her and falling into a deep slumber.

[destinationtoast]

"Entertainment" and modern AI-fandom interactions

There's a 1985* sci-fi short story I once read by M.A. Foster called “Entertainment” that predicts what will happen in an increasingly AI-generated art world.  I can't find any excerpts or summaries of it online, but what I recall is:

In the future, humans can prompt machines to create any art -- e.g., "What would a collaboration between early-era Peter Gabriel and late-era Beethoven look like, with a music video directed by Werner Herzog?"  (That's a made up example, but someone originally gave me the story because Peter Gabriel and early Genesis are actually referred to in the text, and I was at the height of my fandom. XD )  An AI then comes up with a bunch of different examples, and the human who gave the prompt chooses the one(s) they like best.  They then release the creation to the broader world, and people make micropayments to stream it.  Everyone competes for attention, hoping to go viral or at least make a decent living.

(There's a dystopian aspect, where if you don't make enough money and your balance drops below zero, you disappear back into the human factory to get remade.  Also, people don't have sex in person -- they pay each other for the rights to their likeness, and they have sex with simulated versions of one another.  All of which is rather interesting, but not as directly relevant to the point I'm making here.)

M.A. Foster did an impressive job foreseeing a bunch of aspects of modern AI and online culture (especially keeping in mind that there was no Web or social media or digital streaming or online micropayments at the time this was written).   And it’s becoming easy to imagine that we may reach a point where many of the story’s predictions about art come true, as well.  

Currently, you can give increasingly complex prompts and get AIs to respond with something that makes sense and seems like a valid reply. Newer AIs often create text and images that are both exciting and terrifying due to what feels like a sudden potential to blend in with or replace human output.  Fandom, along with everyone else, is unnerved.  After all, will we still need fan creators in a world where we can prompt AIs to do this?

(source)

Or this?

(source)

Or when AI can even take the prompt “Professor Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr kissing next to a conflagration” and output this?

(source)

Okay, there’s definitely still some funkiness going on there with some body parts; cherik fanartists can still obviously do better, for the moment.  And more generally, AI output is still frequently goofy, full of embellishments and fabrications, literally tasteless, and/or flat-out wrong – but we can see so many promises of how good it will get.  And we can imagine how AI output will increasingly be incorporated into transformative fandom and shipping culture.  

But all of the above examples illustrate another thing that M.A. Foster got right: If you want AI to produce something really interesting and compelling, it's important to have a human come up with a good prompt and then select the best output. 

This isn’t new; for years, we have been living in an increasingly curatorial world.  For instance, with stock photos of nearly everything, and digitized versions available of much of the world's art and photography, and endless hours of new YouTube & TikTok videos uploaded to the web every passing minute, it's much easier these days to create new images or videos or other visual works without being an artist.  But building a compelling visual work based on others' images -- a mood board, edit, collage, fanvid, etc. -- still benefits enormously from being driven by a human with a particular sense of style and particular goals in mind.  And the more that any human wants to see something that is different from the most common or most popular images that already exist, the more likely they are either going to have to create it themselves – or at least push the AI really hard in that direction via increasingly specific prompts and feedback.  (None of these roles are unique to online culture, either – art commissioners have historically prompted things, and art collectors and museums have curated them -- but these days we all have access to a much wider world of online works, and we all curate our own tumblrs and pinterest boards and so forth, even if we don't explicitly create curatorial works for fandom.)

The thing I found most unrealistic about "Entertainment" was that people weren’t tempted to try their own hand at creating art; it was a purely remix + curation culture.  In reality, even if AIs get really excellent at creation, so good that their fic and art are as good as your favorite fan creators’ work, I don't think they're ever going to suppress our own creative urges.  We live in a world where there are already 313 Dean/Castiel high school AU hurt/comfort fics – and yet people were still inspired to write/update two more this week.  People are not going to stop creating new fanworks just because the AIs are increasingly able to join in and create more.  And, for some time yet, humans are still going to lead the way in creating new canons with compelling stories and characters, which machines will then learn from and remix.  (That is another thing that human artists have also always done -- drawing inspiration from and remixing one another's art -- and something that fandom in particular is pretty great at.)

TL;DR human contributions to fandom will still be very important for fandom for the foreseeable future.  Even if the internet -- and now AI -- have helped us shift from spending more time as solo creators to also having increasingly active roles as prompters and curators.  

---

This post was partly inspired by @fansplaining 's latest discussion of AI & recent fandom panic, "Artificial Fandom Intelligence", as well as @cfiesler 's post, "Elon Musk did not create an AI trained on your fanfiction." They also addressed other issues that fans are worried about, like the idea of AIs and their creators getting credit and/or monetary reward for new fanworks trained on existing human-generated fanworks. If you've read other good meta about any aspect of fandom & AI, I'd love pointers -- please feel free to share in the notes!

*At least, it was collected in a 1985 anthology called Owl Time; I’m not sure when/where it was originally published.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hi mara,

i was wondering what your favorite books are, anything you've derived inspiration from. or any books you'd recommend to others!

take care

hi anonymous, good morning;

soft promotion but i usually write a little about what i:m currently reading in my end-of-month internet-sin paywall posts on substack -- but i:d also probably just tell you if asked;

any-ways, when i was really young i:d try to read a book-a-day both because 1) i had absolutely nothing to do 2) i thought that by reading as many classic/erudite texts as i could, that i:d become super smart; but i burnt out on reading because of these two things! and because of being burnt out, i have a huuuuuuuge amount of gratitude to the book version of "howl:s moving castle," because i think i picked it up on a whim (before the movie was out, even, i think), and read it, and it just made me fall in love with reading -- and the idea of reading for pleasure, instead of trying to make myself smart and cultured. was just so enamored with that book; read it through every period in HS and in that huge dullness i:d have afterschool (i slept out in a car from 2~7 typically; no friends and no where to go)--just couldn:t put it down, felt so real. zero idea if it holds up, and i refuse to re-read it, but i /loved/ that book and it:s always what comes to mind when someone asks me my favorite book (side-note: i thought the movie was trash; i don:t like ghibli stuff though).

inspirational stuff, though, i:ll use more recent examples! (mostly because it:s easier to remember this stuff); i really adore flannery o'connor and her short-story "the lame shall enter first" largely helped me deal with some of my obsessiveness at adhering to my behavioral etiquette 'perfectly' -- there are these two characters: an older atheist who is doing his very best to behave perfectly and empathetically and understandingly; & a crippled thieving rude christian boy that has fallen into the care of the prior character; any-who, the christian boy admits he has not been saved and that his soul belongs to satan, and tells the adult that he won:t bother being saved till he is ready to live whole-heartedly clean -- and that there is no point in attempting to act perfect (as the adult were trying) as no-one is perfect except christ; the story illustrates the lesson better, but it just made me loosen up on some of my behavioral rules and etiquette in regards to bacterial will and religious law. plus, flannery is a /beautiful/ writer.

then more briefly, i:d toss in cormac and shirley jackson -- cormac:s "outer dark" just really impressed me with how excellent he describes environments and just how /real/ he wrote "the three figures" towards the later half of that story, i love the outer dark so much; shirley jackson, too, just this month i read "we have always lived in the castle" and the maturity of her writers voice just struck me with how concisely bitter it were, and i just thought: wow, this is like the prototypical femcel hiki blueprint, and wow: this story is like the deconstructed magical girl genre before it ever existed, and as it could only exist in the mind of a shut-in agoraphobic american woman in her sixties (i think she was that old at the time of writing, i forget). i:m reading "the secret history" atm and also really loving that, because donna tartt is ace at pacing a story & capturing the feeling of "being left at a dorm for winter alone," and just scene/moments in general -- just super enjoying it :-)). then for more religious stuff that:d make people groan: i like LRH, and mary eddy baker, and ellen g white, and like reading all of them, and usually am left with a sparkling feeling after reading any.

and that:s it! i don:t want to name too many books because it:d water stuff down in meaning. take care, anonymous :-))

[comicaurora]

Sorry if this is a weird question but how long did it take for you to start making art you felt was good enough, at least at the time? I have a lot of ideas for projects I want to make but I'm slowed down by not quite being at a level I'm happy with for professional endeavours. Wondering if I should quit while I'm ahead and just hire an artist I like.

Hoo. Good question.

It's hard to keep track of, honestly. I think every artist is going to feel a degree of "this could be better" about anything they make, and if that's all you're keeping track of it can feel like no progress is being made - but in hindsight, I think "this could be better" means a lot of different things, and what it means for my work has changed over time.

One of my earliest art-related memories is having a very clear image in my head of a pencil sketch I wanted to make (a family portrait of some wizards, a mom and dad flanking a young daughter) and then being immensely frustrated that what I produced was a pale, inexpert shadow of that image. The starting point I was at was "this doesn't look right and I don't know why," and I stayed there for a long time, even as I got overall better.

The first time I remember trying and failing to emulate a specific cartoon style, it was the manga Steam Detectives - I'd mostly been exposed to newspaper comics and scientific illustration, so I had never seen that sharp-angled straight-lined manga style before. There was a liveliness to it I couldn't capture, and that frustrated me. At this point I could see what was wrong, but couldn't yet correct it - my unconfident pencil sketching wasn't going to produce the same kind of three-dimensionality and flow as the brush strokes used in the, in the same way that a traced figure can look strangely odd and off-balance because it's only mimicking the outlines. At this point I'd hit "this doesn't look right and I know why, but I'm not sure how to fix it."

At that point, practice was kind of the only solution - unconfident linework can only be improved by honing the muscle memory and confidence of the artist, which I didn't know at the time or do on purpose but ended up happening anyway, especially once I got going on the channel and was regularly doing dozens to hundreds of drawings per project.

I do remember the first time I thought "oh, that's actually better than I expected" - I had broken my clavicle and my right arm was in a sling, and my art teacher encouraged me to try drawing something with my left instead. I am very much not ambidextrous and my lines were spidery and shaky, but when I stepped back at the end, the thing I'd tried to sketch - a portrait of a regal-looking elf man - actually wasn't too bad. The muscle memory in my right hand was completely absent from my left, but apparently my basic understanding of shapes and shadows had come through and made something that got across the gist of what I wanted. That was the first time I felt "this doesn't look right, but I already knew that, and what it does do is actually pretty solid."

At some point in the process of cranking out channel illustrations, and later chibi character commissions, without even noticing I hit a baseline level of confidence in what I was doing. Certain things got easier because I was doing them a lot more. I stopped thinking about whether a facial expression was communicating exactly what I wanted it to, stopped spending long stretches of time trying to refine poses - because in those specific areas I was no longer experiencing "this doesn't look right and I don't know why." I'd draw a face, realize it could look angrier, redraw the eyes and brows to be angrier, then move on. I'd block out a pose, decide the leg didn't look right, redraw it, line it and move on. It wasn't that I was nailing everything first try, it's that I'd had enough time and practice to quickly diagnose what wasn't working and quickly try something else to correct it.

Instead, I was thinking "this doesn't look right and I don't know why" about other things. Trees, buildings, figure shading, fire, water, metal textures. I still didn't feel ready to do the comic in earnest, but I'd started doing digital illustrations of the characters and mock-up pages/covers, and I kept finding problems in the composition. It didn't look right and I didn't know why. If I didn't know why, I couldn't fix it. A lot of that process boiled down to redrawing stuff until it managed to look right, then trying to reverse-engineer what had worked about that. I'd accidentally draw the most perfect torso and try to figure out what magic combination of lines had made that work. And again, it was a slow process, almost unnoticeable from my perspective, because I just gradually stopped worrying so much about unsolvable artistic problems because the solutions had just arisen with practice and experience. The background looks wack - it's probably under-shaded, darken some corners to make it match the foreground. This texture looks off - probably needs some particle effects to help give it detail. Etc etc.

At present, I very rarely think "this doesn't look right and I don't know why." I still have moments of "this doesn't look right" - almost constantly, probably - but they aren't noteworthy because I've had enough practice improvising solutions that it turns into a brief experimental phase before I fix whatever was bugging me and move on. It doesn't mean it's perfect, it just means whatever problems or places it could be improved are either subjective choices that are fine either way, or small mistakes I don't notice at the time. The process of error-correction and bug-fixing becomes quick and painless enough that I hardly think about how I used to spend ages agonizing over something that was wrong that I couldn't make look right.

The point I eventually got to could probably be best described as "I could make this better if I wanted - do I want to do that?"

Making a comic like this, it's very important for me to consider the value of pouring too much into any one page. If I vastly overdesign anything, I'm going to need to keep up that level of design every time it shows up. If I drew every forest shot by hand-drawing every single tree I'd never get anything done. If something looks off and I know the solution would be more detailing and more texturing, sometimes I'll do that - filigree and particles and all that good sauce - but sometimes I'll just try a few things until I find a shortcut that makes it look fine to my eyes. Art can always be more polished, so that's not really a metric for completeness or ready-ness - I really do think the most helpful metric is whether you're regularly struggling because you can see something is wrong but you can't figure out what. If you consistently know what's wrong - or, more accurately and less judgmentally, what could be polished if you wanted to polish it - you're probably in a pretty good spot.

[duhragonball]

Neon Genesis Evangelion 26

All right, let's put this to bed.

There's a lot of text in this episode, and it opens with a "recap" of the previous episode, claiming that we're witnessing the realization of the Human Instrumentality Project, which is apparently the unification of all human minds into a single merged consciousness. But Episodes 25 and 26 only depict the process through a single individual, Shinji, because "there is not enough time to show the entire process". Well whose fault is that?

Tell you what, let's take this at face value for a minute. I refused to accept that this is really what the HIP was supposed to be, because the information is coming to me in a pair of episodes that appear to be set in Shinji's imagination. At best, it could only be what Shinji thinks the Human Instrumentality Project could be, but I doubt he's even heard of it.

But let's accept that it's true, and right after Shinji killed the last Angel, Gendo put into motion his master plan, which was apparently some application of the Evas' ability to synchronize the thoughts of different life forms. He flips some switch, and now all humans everywhere are suddenly linked together. Shinji experiences this and is horrified, because he's still coming to terms with killing the last Angel, on top of all the other issues he's been wrestling with his whole life.

I guess it makes a measure of sense, because this would be Gendo's only hope of seeing his dead wife again. I think she was accidentally absorbed into the Eva she was working on, and they tried to restore her body like they did with Shinji several episodes ago, but it didn't work. So maybe Gendo figures if everyone merges together the same way, they'll all be reunited, and Yui can be part of that communion, even if she can't get her body back.

At least, that's a plausible motivation for him to want to do all of this. Gendo's never really fit into the world, and maybe he sees this as the only way to find peace. This way, he doesn't have to worry about being offputting and cold, because we're all one, and the differences between us no longer exist. But while Gendo finds that desirable, Shinji finds it horrifying.

Yeah, this is starting to make a little more sense. In this scenario, Shinji and Asuka would find it difficult to adjust, because they've each placed so much of their perceived self-worth into their careers as Eva pilots. Shinji hates himself a little less when he's piloting the Eva, and Asuka feels like she has an identity of her own when she's piloting the Eva. But in this unified consciousness, that distinctiveness is stripped away. They don't to be with their parents because they've put so much effort into getting away from their parents, and now this situation forces them to confront all the things they used to easily avoid.

I guess maybe Rei has an easier time adjusting to this status quo, since she was already a sort of collective organism, and didn't have much self-identity in the first place.

So in his panic, Shinji closed his mind off from the others. He wished for a haven apart from everything that caused him pain, but that just means he's alone and apart from the rest of the world. The others--or perhaps his imaginings of the others-- convince him that this is useless. Shinji worries about being liked and appreciated and understood, and defines himself by how others perceive him, but ultimately one's self-perception isn't all that different from the perception other's have of you.

To illustrate this, they show Shinji floating in a white void. It's unlimited freedom, because there are no obstacles to impede him. He can literally go anywhere he wants in any direction, but there's also nothing there, so there's no point to any of it, and nowhere to go and nothing to do.

But draw a line on the space, and now he has a floor. It gives him a reference point. Now he can walk around and there's a ground and a sky. There's finally a sense of place, but it costs him a degree of freedom.

By extension, the additional boundaries imposed by others is what shapes and defines the self. In a world all by himself, Shinji is completely undefined. Surrounded by nothing, he may as well be nothing, because there's no point of reference.

And that's a salient point, because it calls back to Kaworu's final words before Shinji killed him in Episode 24. According to Kaworu, only one life form would survive their conflict--the Angels or the Humans. But if the Angels prevailed, then what would remain? Kaworu was the last one, so with humanity's destruction, he would inherit an empty world. That's why he was happy for Shinji to win, because at least his victory could actually mean something. And while Shinji was upset about killing him, I think he also respected what Kaworu was trying to say. At least, I think he gets it now, in this empty world, where he's getting a taste of the fate Kaworu wanted to avoid.

So Shinji finally imagines something else, and wakes up in a different world, one where he and Asuka and Rei are ordinary schoolchildren. He even does the thing where he collides into the new girl (Rei) on their way to school, and Rei's got the toast in her mouth and everything. Misato's their teacher, and it's all a little too idyllic, but that's not the point.

The point is that Shinji can imagine himself in any kind of reality he chooses, and still retain his sense of self in such a world. He doesn't pilot an Eva in that world he just envisioned, and he was still himself. Asuka was still Asuka. So the idea that his identity is bound up in piloting an Eva is false. He doesn't need a particular job to matter. He just needs other people around him to define who and what he is.

So that seems to resolve part of Shinji's trouble, but there's still a catch: He hates himself, and thinks everyone around him hates him as well. But that's just a matter of perspective. He hates himself because he chooses to hate himself, and so he chooses to believe himself worthy of hatred, so he assumes everyone else hates him too.

And slowly, Shinji starts to consider loving himself, and wanting to be himself, and wanting to exist in the wider world. As he does, the cracks start to form in the barrier he's created around himself, and...

He's here. Wherever here is. I'm going to stick with this premise and say that he's finally accepting his place in this collective consciousness that his father has put together. That's why everyone is here to meet him, and why they're all congratulating him for figuring it out. Perhaps everyone in this new merger has had to go through a similar process to make it to this stage, and so they understand what Shinji just went through to make it this far.

Of course, Kaji's supposed to be dead, so I can't quite explain why he would be here, unless his existence in this world is just the memories others had of him. Or maybe he didn't die after all. We never saw a body.

And Pen-Pen isn't human, so I don't know how he got in. Maybe there was a Penguin Instrumentality Project that we didn't know about.

I could just be blowing smoke. My gut tells me this episode is a train wreck, like Episode 25. I'm having to do a lot of heavy lifting to make this fit into some coherent narrative. It would have helped if Gendo had discussed what HIP was before Episode 24, so we could recognize any of this as what he had been aspiring to achieve.

But, it's appealing to try to take this literally. To say "That's not just Shinji imagining his parents in some dream, that's actually his parents, reunited in an artificial heaven of their own design. Their family was broken in the past, but in this reality, they can heal." At least that's a compelling notion, and a somewhat satisfactory ending to the series.

I don't know that I buy it, though. Asuka deserved a more focused resolution to her character arc than this. They sort of tacked her identity crisis onto Shinji's, but that doesn't work for me. In a better planned series, there would have been enough episodes left to give each of them their own moment of growth.

Mostly, this ending blows because there was so much lore that didn't get explained in this show, and I don't know if that's because they thought it wasn't worth getting into, or if they were just too fixated on Shinji's turmoil to prioritize anything else. I really wanted to know what the deal was with the Second Angel, and this show totally blew it off.

Or did it?

Now that I've finished the box set, I decided to look in the character bios on the last disc, and I found this one, about Lilith, the Second Angel. This is great, because it confirms what I thought was going on in Episode 24. Everyone called this guy "Adam" and assumed he was the First Angel, but it was actually the Second, Lillith, and no one knew the difference until Kaworu got close enough to notice.

I mean, maybe SEELE, Gendo, and possibly Ritsuko knew who it really was, but that's why Third Impact never happened whenever the Evas or Angels approached it. Apparently the purple on Lillith's face is a mask depicting the SEELE coat of arms, so maybe they put that on her as a disguise, which is why the Angels never knew the difference until the very end.

Adam is the forebearer of the other Angels, and Lilith is apparently the progenitor of humans, so I guess that explains why the Evas made from Lillith were like Angels without being Angels themselves. I still have other questions, but at least I'm somewhat satisfied.

So that's it. I finally finished the NGE TV series. Now I want to check out End of Evangelion, and maybe start perusing the fan wikis for other information I missed. This is nice. I have to say, this series has been kind of uneven. Great in some places and downright crappy in others. But it's very gratifying to have finally experienced it for myself. I've been curious about it for a long time, and sating my curiosity feels more rewarding than the actual quality of the show.

Play us out, 4kids.

[ribbonetteart]

A request for something a little different than usual 🍑👑

Progress stuff below:

I haven't done progress shots in a bit and I think it's something I want to do more often because I like talking and blogging I guess haha.

Now that I have more experience illustrating digitally, this kind of direct reference drawing is MUCH easier to do digitally 😫honestly this felt like a self imposed challenge lol. BUT I did want to do some more traditional stuff because I feel that I had been doing a little too much digital, if that makes sense. It's nice to play with my markers and color pencils once in a while too!!

Doing the line art on this piece ESPECIALLY felt easier to do traditionally than digitally. For some reason, trying to do line art on a tablet screen feels too smooth or slippery or something. Lining traditionally feels easier, probably because I put so much pressure on the paper in the sketch phase that when the lining phase comes next, it feels like I'm just following the lines on the page like a train on a track ^_^

despite uploading a couple of illustrations colored with marker now, I still feel a bit like a novice when it comes to marker. I got a new pack of markers that I wanted to play with, which was even more motivation to return to paper for a bit. But honestly, I feel like I fudged the window color blending. I watched tutorials and stuff on blending with markers but I guess I still need more practice ^^;;; at least it looks a bit messy to me. This is how this piece came to be a mixed media illustration, since I tried using color pencils to make that transition from blue to green on the windows a little smoother.

I think the pot holding the piranha plant came out a tad too saturated and it's calling too much attention compared to the very light floor and dresser. I was trying to follow the colors on the reference closely as an easy re-intro to traditional art, but next time I do something like this, I think I'll take more liberties with color and see what happens.

Overall, I'm quite happy with how Peach turned out. I don't draw humans too often since I typically draw Sonic characters lol. Sometimes it feels like I have to re-teach myself to draw people as a result. I really liked using the gelly roll for the highlights on her face and the polka dots on her shirt :3 I highly recommend using that pen as my previous experiences with other white gel pens don't compare to this one (not to sound like a commercial I'm just really happy it worked as well as it did!).

And finally, although redrawing a creation from a dress up game screenshot is probably not the most imaginative exercise I could be doing with illustration, I think it's fun and it's pushing me to do things outside of my comfort zone. I'm using new art tools (I'll get better with marker I prommy) and I drew a background! I'd like to do more backgrounds like this as a practice to encourage more original stuff. Maybe. One day. Probably.

If you read all of this until the end, thank you! Have a wonderful day, and thank you for following me and supporting my art :3c 💝

[toasterthievery]

I READ MERE APPENDIX AND I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT

The real gravity of Professor Honeycutt's situation doesn't get explored too often since everyone has bigger things to worry about when they're bring chased by Triceratons, and the identity crisis that goes down in this issue is just heartbreaking and really a sight to behold since he tends to get so little focus. It says a lot about him as a character in the best way possible.

Something that I really like is that time has passed since the accident that cost him his humanity in the first place, but that it's something that still affects him deeply. It's something he's come to terms with on a surface level so that he can continue to function day to day, but it weighs on him heavily.

You can feel his horror the moment when he realizes he never installed the component that would allow for a real transfer. He states later in this issue that he's been asking himself for years whether he's really Honeycutt or not, but speculation and evidence are two different things and his worst fear looks to be coming true.

And the idea that Fugitoid does not equal Honeycutt is pervasive. It comes up again and again, making it impossible for him to ignore. Even small things, like his voice recognition software not recognizing him, keeps him at arm's length from the "real" Professor Honeycutt. It's so uncomfortable, like a constant ache, to not be recognizable as the person you are in any capacity.

To wonder if your existence is even a scientific possibility.

And I know he's dealing with the damage he sustained at the beginning of the issue, but it obviously goes deeper than that and everything is being exacerbated by it since he's been experiencing hallucinations and memory loss. It makes it kind of all come at him at once in a way that's impossible to deal with and brings all that pain fresh into his mind.

It makes him feel less human than ever, which is a hard pill to swallow. This side by side panel (that hurts me immensely) is just a great illustration of the identity problems that he's dealing with.

He's reaching his limit and there's nothing that can really be done to fix his situation. It's a really cool thing to see Honeycutt's thoughts and feelings that haven't been filtered through the viewpoint of the turtles, and to see how acutely he feels the shockwave of everything that's happened to him. Where does the line lie between man and machine? How can he say with certainty that he's a real person when he's so familiar with the technology that caused the accident?

The part right after this has my FAVORITE set of panels in this entire thing.

It's very ironic that in having this crisis, he's proving he's more than just an unthinking object, but that's hard to see when everything is coming crashing down. I genuinely can't express enough how much I love that that he's reached this low where he can't think of himself as real, and because of that, it's fine if he simply takes himself apart until it's not a problem anymore. And in a way, it's easier for him to see himself that way because machines can be fixed; they don't deal with the messy, nonlinear recovery that real people have to face.

THIS IS BRILLIANT and I'm in love with the ship of Theseus dilemma that's at play here.

Even though Honeycutt comes out of it all right...there is still no easy solution for him, and the rock and hard place he finds himself wedged between won't give so easily. His struggles are fascinating and compelling, and getting to see them so up close and personal was a serious treat. Actually one of my favorite comics I've ever read. I'm never going to be normal again.

[kriimhild]

Hello! So sorry for bothering, I just finished reading your We've Gone Too Far and Leave my brother alone comics, along with that chapter of Inside Us on AO3, but I'm still somewhat confused about the background and the relationships of these characters. I'm not sure if I'm missing any other posts, introductions or illustrations? In your pinned post, it's mentioned that Sun and Moon are lovers, but in LMBA they're siblings? (im guessing it's not the same universe?)

okay so... before I get started, I kinda regret the whole idea exactly because it's confusing, and I know very little of my followers will take the effort to understand what was the idea at first. (but if you do, thank you so so so much <3 ) LMBA and WGTF are the same universe. So... let's see... Sun and Moon have a special relationship. Since how many times have anyone seen two Als in one body? They are special and sometimes confusing. Even they ain't sure about how to answer things when random peepl ask. At firts they had no idea what love means exactly. I mean of course they knew what it is, but never let experience because they're robots. They had no idea how to feel love. Until they met Frankie. So... when they suspected they maybe have loving interest into each other (I mean Sun and Moon), it was natural, yet scary. Each other was their first love, they just couldn't recognize. Before, not the situation was the worst, but the explaining part. They couldn't do it without potentially confuse the others. So they've chosen the easy way, and introducing to everyone as brothers. It was so much easier to explain the kids, and the parents didn't complained about their weirdness. After they started to get on better terms with someone, they told the true. Only the glamrocks was aware of their true ship, and after Frankie explained to them why is not a good idea to call themselves something is not the thing, Roxy sat down with them a bit more complex talk. After that, they were very ashamed of the entire thing and now they got the picture, and don't call the other anything but 'my partner' for neutral people, and 'my love' for closer ones. All in all, Frankie was teaching them a lot of stuffs to avoid weird situations. No one cared about them or their level of intellectual, so how would they know it's a bad thing? in the tags it even appears,

but I think I change the whole thing, exactly because it's confusing. It was just a nice idea at first to build them up as uninformed but innocent souls. They tried their best, but sometimes it was just oil to fire in the case of Karens for example. But the thing is, LMBA is already out in many form that clearly describe they're brothers, and I think it's a bit too late for that. As I said, it was a nice idea at first, but I only see the 'Don't support the 1nc3st artist' stuffs for while so... yeah. It was NOT the point of my concept. I didn't think it through, I was just dumb. somewhere in my bronze ages i tried to explain this here but the strongest and probably the final one by my side, in DailyDaycare for now is lovers, and that's why this showing up in my pinned post

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Ash… please hurt Finn <3

Just something short and sweet for your Friday...

CW: Dehumanization, captivity, pet whump sort of, sadistic whumper

Rancher's Rest, California, January 2005

The man who used to be Finn Schneider - who even in his own thoughts more and more called himself by the nickname his captor had given him - slept as much as he could during the day.

It helped him escape the unrelenting smell of decay from the basement that seemed to seep up through the floorboards like water soaking a sponge. Sometimes Robert lit overwhelming candles, brown sugar and vanilla, oranges and cinnamon. They didn't cover the bad smells so much as join with them to create something far, far worse.

When he slept, he could stop smelling things. Sleep helped himescape the screaming he could hear, sometimes, inside his head or out of it. He wasn't always sure if there was someone alive in the basement or if he was just listening to the echoes of ghosts.

Sleep helped him forget he spent the days in a dog cage built to hold a man.

The muzzle firmly covered his jaw, mouth, and nose, with airholes to breathe but no room to speak. Even his screams were too muffled to carry far. He had stopped trying a long time ago. Easier not to.

In any case, the days passed faster if he slept through them.

So he tried.

He blinked awake at the sound of the key in the door, rolling his shoulders and shifting on the pile of folded blankets and old, flat pillows. He used to feel his heart start pounding and a cold wash of terror every time Robert came home.

Now he just felt... tired.

Robert stomped inside, humming cheerfully. Weak winter sunlight cut briefly across the floor in front of the cage, then disappeared as the door closed again. "Take your boots off, Bobby," He muttered to himself, shaking his coat from his shoulders and hanging it in the wooden rack attached to the wall by the door. "Boots off, then inside. Can't track mud in. Boots off."

Clunk clunk. The boots went onto the woven rag mat, and Finn closed his eyes.

"Shit weather all day," Robert grunted. Maybe to Finn. Maybe himself. Finn didn't know or care any longer. "Sun finally showed up but it's still mud all over the place. Landslides down south. Mudslides taking out houses, all kinds of damage out there."

He moved with flat feet in their dull socks, once white but gone gray, from the door and moving past Finn in his cage, past the basement door where only bones and barrels waited today, into the kitchen. The smell of diesel followed him like scent trails in a cartoon, settling heavy around Finn's face and making his stomach flip.

More thumping footsteps, and Finn let himself doze, vaguely aware but caring so, so little about what could happen next. It didn't matter.

Whatever it was, it would hurt.

He must have fallen asleep once more - he heard the shower shut off and the radio playing in the kitchen, afternoon news delivered by soothing voices.

-holidays give us all a chance to be generous to those we love who love reading. I want to begin my recommendations with a Christmas story about a Christmas story. Novelist Paul Auster's beautifully illustrated little tale about being commissioned by the New York Times in December of 1990 to write a Christmas story, and the surprising pleasure this brought him.

A man from the New York Times called me and asked if I would-

"All right, little Mouse," Robert said cheerfully, interrupting the soft-spoken novelist on the radio with his own rougher, raspier voice. "Work day's done. Out you come."

Finn watched him, and felt the first trickle of nerves and the cold stone of the fear he never quite overcame settling heavy in his chest. When the cage was opened, Robert using the key he wore always on a string around his neck to unlock the padlock, Finn didn't move at first.

He shook his head, just a little.

Then Robert grabbed his arm and yanked him out.

Finn grunted behind the muzzle as his head banged into a metal bar, briefly flashing white behind his eyes as he flinched. His hands scrambled for purchase along the sticky, sharp carpet fibers. Robert chuckled, enjoying the sight, and ruffled Finn's greasy, dirty hair affectionately.

Finn caught himself making a sound far too much like an animal's whimper as Robert's thumb ran over the spot where he'd hit the bar, pressing down.

"Don't be so stupid next time and it won't happen like that," Robert said, cloying and mockingly affectionate. "Stupid thing. Now come on, Mouse."

Forehead throbbing, Finn followed him - crawling on hands and knees like a dog, head down, eyes on the floor. His own breath felt loud, from within the muzzle. Humid and damp, in and out, barely getting enough fresh air. His head spun, a little.

That might just be from hunger, though.

Robert snapped his fingers and pointed to a spot on the floor near the table, and Finn shuffled hurriedly forward to sit there, legs crossed, watching him with dull eyes as he went from the cupboard to the stove, dumping some kind of beef and potato soup from a can into the pot sitting there. The gas flame flickered to life, and Finn wondered what it would take to make this house explode.

"The guys at work had this mysteries show on today," Robert said, all cheerful conversation, as he popped open a beer and took a drink, sitting in a creaking wooden kitchen chair and leaning over to undo the buckles that held Finn's muzzle on. It dropped to the floor, and Finn stared down at it.

He wanted it back.

His face felt all wrong without it.

"You were on it, did you know that?"

It took a second for the words to filter in, and then he turned to look up at Robert. He couldn't remember the words, at first. Or he knew the words but couldn't remember how to form them with his mouth. He managed, hoarsely, "I was?"

"Sure were, Mouse." Robert was in a good mood - he leaned down and put the chilly aluminum edge of the can to Finn's lips, feeding him tasteless foamy American beer cold as ice sip by sip. "Special episode on people like you, went missing in Death Valley. Not even the only German who was featured. Neat episode. Talked about this whole family that just up and vanished. They'll never find them, for sure. Nobody will find you, either, when I'm done with you. Maybe I should put you back."

Finn struggled - Robert talking tended to just move like water around him now - but he turned to look up. "Put... Put me back?"

"Yeah. Dump your bones right back in the Valley, let them find you somewhere they've looked before. Wish I had recorded it or something, could show it to you. Oh, well. Your mom's looking real rough these days."

Finn had to turn away at that, his heart twisting itself as he thought of her, afraid and alone and probably sure he was dead by now. Even if she kept looking... She was looking for bones.

Some of the beer Robert was feeding him missed when he moved, dribbled down his chin to his collarbone, making him shiver.

"Hey! Spilling beer is a capital offense in this house, you stupid piece of shit!"

Finn knew he should apologize, but his mouth wouldn't move. He thought of his car, wrecked just off the road. Bottles of water, his book of CDs, clothes and all his things. He thought of his mother sifting through looking for anything-

Anything at all-

Any sign he was alive-

Being told over and over that no one would ever find him-

"Listen to me when I'm talking to you!" Robert's voice was a deafening roar, and his foot caught Finn in the side of his head, kicking him onto the dirty tile before grabbing his hair and slamming his head down into it.

Finn cried out, instinct overriding emptiness as he scrabbled with his useless hands to try and paw Robert away.

He took a punch to the face. White light burst and pain without sound, like a star exploding inside him. He went limp. The rest of the beating hurt, sure, but at least Robert had stopped talking about his mom.

He could be grateful for that.

They'll never find you.

-

Carriozo, New Mexico, 2009

The man who was Finn Schneider was currently going by the name Bennett Collins. He laid on his back in a broken-down motel in a town no larger than his hand, staring up at the ceiling and decidedly not thinking about scorpions. He'd put his shoes up on a shelf in the closet, just in case.

His phone rang, and he groaned as he shifted onto his side, flipping it open and putting it to his ear. "We don't meet until tomorrow," He said by way of greeting.

"I know, I know. But hey, I have some good news for you." Noah's good cheer made his skin crawl, but he owed the man his life and freedom, even if he didn't know what to do with it.

"What good news?" Maybe the job was called off. That would be nice. His birthday was coming up, not that he had ever told anyone his birthday, and he had had a dim thought he might spend it with a book. If his eyes would let him read one. If his mind would focus on it and not just stare at the same sentences over and over without ever taking them in.

"They found the Germans!"

Finn waited a beat. "Noah, we have a whole country. If no one had found us before now, that would be odd."

"Not-... Okay, fine. Be that way. The Death Valley Germans, that family went missing back in the 90s? We talked about it a couple of times?"

Noah had talked. Finn had stared off into space and made noises like he was listening and tried not to think about it too much. To think about their car found off the road with flat tires and no water and emptied bottles of wine.

His own car, full of water, with no him.

His own family, his mother searching, forever-

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. The motel air was stale and musty, but at least it smelled like the window unit A/C on blast and not like rotting bodies or the Death Valley sand. "Yes. What do you.meam, they found them?"

"Some hikers did. Found some bones and IDs, a friend of mine works with the local police and told me about it. That's good stuff, right?! They found them! Maybe they'll find you some day, huh?"

"You keep me moving too much for that."

"You've never asked me not to."

"I-..." Noah was right. He hadn't ever asked. He had just done the work, and not lifted his head, not looked back. What could he give anyone who had known him? A walking corpse, luckier than the other dead bodies. Maybe. He could pay them back for their love and for looking for him by giving them back a shadow that looked like their son.

"It's fine. I don't mind taking care of you. You'll be at Albuquerque tomorrow for our next job, yeah?"

"Sure."

"Good. Hey, make sure you eat some dinner tonight. I'll be here if you need anything, little Mouse."

Finn's chest went cold. "... What? What did you-"

What did you call me-

"What did you, um, say? Couldn't-... hear you."

Weight pressed down like a boot on his chest, heavy and steel-toed, pushing away air as he tried to breathe in. The air smelled like decay and lemon cleaner. His stomach flipped.

"What?" Noah paused. The pause felt too long. "Oh, I said I'm here for you. At my house."

No, you didn't.

"... Okay. I'll... I will see you tomorrow, Noah?"

"Yeah. Keep your head down. Oh, hey, you're in Carriozo, right?"

Had he told Noah that was where he would stop?

"Y-yes."

"Cool. I stayed there once. Nice diner, makes the best beef and potato soup..."

Finn hung up the phone, launched himself from the bed, and barely made it to the toilet before the nothing he had eaten all day found its way back up.

By the time he could stop, his head was throbbing, and all he wanted was to curl up in his cage in the dark. He moved on his hands and knees back to the bed in the little motel, opened his laptop where it has been charging, and typed with pointer fingers one letter at a time. Death... Valley... Germans...

Death Valley skeletons solve riddle of missing German tourists, read a headline. The letters swam like fish across his vision.

Finn laid his head down on the pillow, closing his eyes and trying to tell himself to breathe. They found them. Thirteen years but they found them. He might have smiled.

Robert had been wrong.

About that, anyway.

-

@finder-of-rings @endless-whump @arlin-always-writing @thefancydoughnut @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears @hackles-up @grizzlie70 @mylifeisonthebookshelf @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @burtlederp

@whumperfully @pigeonwhumps @squishablesunbeam @darkthingshappen @whumper-soot @pumpkin-spice-whump @pardonmekreature @d-cs @honey-is-mesi @whump-queen @sowhumpful

-

[bogkeep]

i feel like i've had the "kids can handle dark topics in stories" conversation on three separate occasions in the past month, what's up with that??? my impression of children's/young teen literature is that it's always been SURPRISINGLY DARK and that it FUCKING SLAPS.

like yeah, my trump card is that i can answer almost every "but what about [HEAVY TOPIC]" with "Animorphs did that actually," which makes animorphs sound super edgy, but the thing is... it didn't feel edgy? it felt like a substantial adventure with drama, tension, goofs, stakes, and a vibrant cast of characters. it was one of the first book series i ever read, so there was nothing that tipped me off that This Series Is So Dark And Gruesome - and i think it's because it wasn't, comparatively. one of my other early reads was Deltora Quest, and like, what school library didn't have Goosebumps? i never got my hands on warrior cats, but like, that series is just one installation in a WHOLE GENRE - the silverwing trilogy, wings of fire, guardians of ga'hoole... groups of animals dealing with war and exile and battle and grief and ridiculously tragic backstories and whatever was going on in these series, ripe for self-insert characters and scenarios for play pretend during lunch break. even the HTTYD books, which are completely different from the movies - they look childish, especially with the illustrated charcoal drawings - hiccup gets captured as a slave at some point, and there's a dragon rebellion that seeks to eradicate all of humanity. it has a lot of goofy moments and some incredibly over-the-top villains, but it doesn't flinch from how gruesome it gets, either.

i think kids genuinely love this stuff!!! not all kids, sure, but i definitely did!!! like!!! have you SEEN the edgy OCs kids and teens will make? the finely crafted horrific backstories? you know how small kids have traditionally played with barbies, right, with beheadings and torture and shakespearean plots? how a lot of kids and teens sought out creepypastas???

i absolutely think it's much easier for BOOKS to go into dark topics than visual media, and i think that's why a lot of people don't realize how much is happening below the surface. we live in a post gravity falls world now, so cartoons for teens are finally allowed to be a little more twisted and "wow i can't believe they went there," but ALSO... from what i can remember from being a Child, the most scarring and horrifying moments in stories for kids were not the existential concept of "oh no you're ten years old and bad guys want to kill you!" but stuff like, the groke from the moomins cartoon, old puppet shows, moments that were viscerally horrifying without being gory in any way...

maybe you don't understand all the Complexities of Heavy Topics when you're nine. but some things will stick with you, and as you grow older and gain more context and knowledge about the world around you, i think those moments can become very valuable. i haven't read animorphs for almost two decades and so much of it has stayed with me. maybe i saw princess mononoke a bit earlier than i "should have," but to this day it's still one of my favourite movies of all time, and my understanding of it grows every time i rewatch it. i don't think it's possible for every story to handle every topic perfectly or even well, but it might still be worthwhile to have engaged with it. i mean, that's the Discourse, isn't it, stories tell you stuff and we can't control what other people take from it.

anyway yeah kids crave blood and carnage and we should give it to them sometimes

[goforth-ladymidnight]

My Thoughts on the Official ACOTAR Coloring Book

The official ACOTAR coloring book was my official introduction the world of ACOTAR back in 2017 (I kept the barcode sticker with the date on it and everything). However, I didn’t officially join the fandom until 2021, around the time ACOSF came out. However however, it wasn’t until recently that I realized that the coloring book was all about Feyre and Rhys. I know it seems obvious, but hear me out.

Book 1 of ACOTAR is, at its core, a retelling of Beauty and the Beast and the Ballad of Tam Lin. It is Feyre and Tamlin’s story, despite what the rest of the series became. However, you wouldn’t know that if you only read the snippets included in the coloring book.

This realization came to me when someone on Reddit requested a spoiler-free color-along guide, complete with chapter numbers. This was so they could read the books, then color along when they came across the matching chapter. Since I was procrastinating had some free time, and I have the trilogy on Kindle (it makes research for fanfiction so much easier), I typed something up for her. But in doing so, I noticed at long last that the ACOTAR portion doesn’t tell Feyre’s and Tamlin’s story.

There is exactly one image that is even romantically coded for Feylin, and it’s this one: (art by Yvonne Gilbert, coloring by me)

It’s a beautiful illustration, but... They’re not even looking at each other.

I’ve never worked as an illustrator (even though I’ve taken my fair share of art classes), but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the only image where Feyre and Tamlin have eye contact is the scene UTM right before she stabs him.

If SJM had any say in which scenes were included in this book, then that excerpt doesn’t surprise me at all. (You can see some more examples of the included pictures on the wiki page here.)

I looked through my copy of the book, and there are eight images of Feyre and Rhys together. Eight. ACOTAR’s portion ends with Rhys and Feyre talking, instead of Feyre and Tamlin walking off into the sunset, which is how the book actually ends.

At this point, you may be wondering why I’m so passionate about this, so I’ll tell you. Once upon a time, I wanted to be an illustrator. Back in 2017, I was studying real-life examples of coloring books and trying to learn from the experts. I’ve since made art more of a hobby to focus on writing, but the interesting thing about studying art and writing is this: The official coloring book doesn’t tell a comprehensive story.

Book 1 is my favorite book in the series, and I would love to see it get more love as time goes on, instead of being dismissed as a “boring prequel”. It set up what the rest of the series became [insert rant about the tonal shift between books, the discarded sequel that was eventually written into ACOMAF, and my feelings about the portrayal of Tamlin’s character in general].

It is a good book on its own... but I couldn’t tell you that if I had to sum it up from the coloring book excerpts alone. Important characters like Lucien are never given an introduction page, unlike the ACOMAF section, where each member of the Inner Circle was highlighted in addition to getting a group shot. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to take that away from them, since they are important to the series, but I would prefer to give more characters like Lucien or Tarquin a chance to shine instead of adding in a picture of the Attor or the Middengard Worm Wyrm. For those who don’t have the coloring book, if you look through the images on the wiki, yes, pictures of those ugly creatures are really in there. Mmm. Just what you want to color in a romance book about sexy hot faeries.

If I had my way, here are the scenes from ACOTAR that I would choose to tell the story properly. To make it more of a challenge, I kept it to 18 scenes, to match the number of illustrations that were chosen for ACOMAF:

Feyre aims for the deer and sees the wolf [technically it’s already in there, so it can stay, but I would change the excerpt and the illustration. I’m just not crazy about that particular artist’s comic book style here, since it doesn’t suit the fairy tale nature of the book]

Feyre speaks to the mercenary [not only does it highlight a criminally underrepresented badass character, it defines the danger of Prythian, and the overall conflict in the book]

Tamlin’s beast form in the cabin as he bargains with Feyre [which is different from the one where they’re walking away from the cabin; the excerpt that was chosen doesn’t have the same impact, imo]

The Spring Court manor [it’s in there, so it can stay, and besides, John Howe’s work is beautiful]

Tamlin’s High Fae reveal [Yvonne Gilbert’s illustration of Tamlin and Lucien is gorgeous, but it’s a shame that Lucien isn’t mentioned by name in the excerpt] 

Lucien and Feyre on horseback as they discuss the Suriel [as interesting as it was to see the Suriel depicted by itself, we need context to know why it’s there]

The Suriel and its advice to Feyre: “Stay with the High Lord” [*cough cough* it was always about Tamlin *cough cough*]

Tamlin takes Feyre to the glen, as shown above [although this could also be traded out for the art gallery or the willow scene]

Rhysand taunting Tamlin, and Lucien protecting Feyre [this ties in better to the theme of the book, instead of his description on Fire Night as “the most beautiful man” she’d ever seen. Let’s stay on track, people, and keep it to one love interest per book, mm’kay?]

Tamlin sends Feyre home in the carriage [as much as I would love to highlight Solstice, it doesn’t have the same impact on the plot. Besides, I do love Yvonne Gilbert’s illustration of the scene; even if Feyre isn’t looking at Tamlin, it is thematically appropriate]

An illustration of Feyre’s family, not just of Elain gardening [thus showing what Feyre is giving up by choosing to return to Prythian]

Alis takes Feyre to the cave [this illustration is one that piqued my interest when I first flipped through the book, so it stays]

Amarantha’s intro [it’s perfect as-is; gotta love Charlie Bowater’s work, though I would have loved for the image to be bigger]

Feyre runs from the Worm Wyrm [much more interesting instead of just showing it by itself, because pink and brown does not make for a compelling color palette, thank you very much]

The tattoo and the bargain [it can stay, only because it does affect the plot and future books *grumble, grumble*]

Amarantha taunts Feyre about killing Tamlin [the current version was a big spoiler to me when I first saw it, but the scene needs to be included in some form]

Feyre’s transformation to High Fae, perhaps surrounded by a couple of the other High Lords [the current scene with her and Rhys talking about her human heart works, but it’s very Feysand-centric in a book that should be about Feylin. Plus, more character reveals!]

Feyre and Tamlin’s return to the Spring Court as they walk off into the sunset [ft. Tamlin without his mask!!]

Done.

Now, I know this doesn’t cover all of the scenes I would have loved to see illustrated, but it does make up for the severe lack of Feylin compared to all of the Feysand illustrations. If I feel like it later on, I might do the same excerpt review for ACOMAF and ACOWAR, because I had no idea what was happening in those books from the illustrations and excerpts alone. (And I still haven’t read ACOWAR all the way through. Way to hook me on the plot, promotional material.) We don’t even see what the villain in those two books even looks like! That’s a royal shame (pun intended).

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading! You don’t have to agree with my takes, but this is something that’s been on my mind for a while now, and with Tamlin Week 2023 coming up, I felt inspired to finally put my thoughts together. Maybe this will also inspire someone to make something for the event? Maybe this is a sign I should pull out my markers and paints more often... Hmm. If nothing else, this was a good exercise. And I don’t want to be the sort of person who criticizes something without offering suggestions for how it could be better.

I am glad that ACOTAR exists, because it has inspired so much creativity in myself and my fellow fanfiction authors and artists. It has also inspired a lot of people to pick up reading again, and if that leads to people reading more and making new stuff, so much the better. :)

[intersex-questions]

I brought this up to another intersex blog a while ago and ended up just letting it go but due to repeated issues I've been thinking about it again. This will be kinda long, sorry.

I went to a real gynecologist for the first time after a traumatising experience with one when I was 10 (they did a swab test that hurt so badly they had to hold me down for it even tho my sister had it done too and it wasn't bad for her, I was told I was just very sensitive compared to her, I can't tell if this might be important or not so I'll include it just in case)

I'm 19 and AFAB, I've always struggled with periods, they happen twice a month and are 9-12 days long each. The only time they're easier is when I am on birth control, which still make them last 9-12 days but make them only once a month. I got on birth control a few years ago but stopped because of issues with my family not letting me take it. Now I went to this gynecologist and all we did was discuss putting me on birth control. She didn't look at my body or ask any questions about it besides about my period and how it was affected last time I went on birth control. Then she prescribed me birth control and set up an appointment to check in a few months later.

Before the next appointment, my mother's friends were talking about how my mom decided I was female when I was born. I asked what they meant and they said the doctor wasn't sure of my gender when I was born so my mom decided it. I talked to my mother and she told me she doesn't remember the doctors saying I was female when I was born, she says she doesn't remember what I was born as. My uncle, who was there like her friends were, also says he doesn't remember if I was actually born female, just that it took a very long time for them to figure it out.

I mentioned this at the appointment and that I was concerned I might be intersex (I have many other reasons to think this, not just them not knowing. I've always dealt with being way more manly and having more hair than the rest of the women in my family, my genitalia is bigger than it's supposed to be - I did check that to make sure as I felt weird saying it without knowing it for a fact -, puberty was hell because of the pain and change in hair and body odor and periods, etc.) and I asked if there was any way she could help me in figuring it out. She flat out told me that I'm not intersex and she would know if I was just by looking at me.

Part of me is very upset that she refused to even check, but the other part thinks maybe I should just accept it and she's right because she's a professional. I'm not a professional and the only thing I know is my body, everything could just be a coincidence. Any help on this? Do professionals often refuse this stuff? What should I do?

And I'm fully willing to accept if I'm wrong here, I'm just confused on a lot of things abs need some help figuring it out

Hey there, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I know that this all can be a really hard thing to talk about, especially after trying to talk about it with others and getting a bad response or no response. I recognize how brave this is of you and how scary of a thing sharing all this can be. I really appreciate you reaching out!

I'm responding to this ask completely out of order of your statements in which order I feel are most relevant to discuss first, so apologies if that is a bit confusing.

That was absolutely unprofessional and cruel of your gynecologist to do that. I'm so sorry that happened. You are completely valid to be upset. You do not have to just accept it nor do you have to accept her treatment of you. It is okay if you feel hurt by that experience. It was, objectively, intersexist, and regardless of that, a cruel thing to do to a patient. Medical professionals don't always know what's happening to us better than we do. The reason they are often able to help us is because we speak up and say, "Hey! I have this thing that's happening to my body, and I know my body and know this is different or not normal for it or the general population. I need help with it!" Professionals often do refuse that sort of thing, but that is because intersexism is incredibly common in the medical field to the point that I'm unfortunately willing to wager that an intersexist medical professional is more common than an intersex ally of a medical professional.

Your periods absolutely are considered irregular, although I'm glad birth control has been able to offer you help with them. I am unsure what it is like where you live, but are you sure you need to go to a gynecologist to be prescribed them? You may be able to go to a different medical professional or general care physician. I was on birth control (pills and depo shot) as a minor for help with my period and was prescribed it by my pediatrician. I've never been to a gynecologist before (although I do want to) and haven't needed to in order to be prescribed any form of birth control. You might be able to look into if it's possible for you to not go to the gyno in order to get birth control pills.

Pain at the gyno is different for everyone. Some people will experience immense pain, while others do not. However, a good gynecologist will do everything in their power to reduce or eliminate pain. It is, however, absolutely important that you were in pain at the gyno. They should NOT be holding you down in order to perform whatever they need to perform. They SHOULD offer ways to relieve pain. This article offers an insight into the problem of pain in the field of gynecology. This page talks about pain management for the gyno. And, it is an unfortunate truth, that some or many gynos simply will refuse to treat pain no matter what you say, and that finding other gynos isn't an option. Or that certain providers won't even offer pain relief for procedures. I'm not sure what to do in those situations, and I'm sorry if that's a situation you end up in. But you should try to stay strong and speak up. Don't let medical professionals belittle you or traumatize you into staying quiet when you're in pain.

Reading on what you were saying about it being difficult to assign your sex at birth...that's just like, wow. That is a very strong sign you're intersex! In my opinion, if one's sex is ambiguous enough at birth that it can't be easily determined or took a long time to determine, I think that the individual is definitely intersex. Like, let's say they decided you were male. Can you imagine how that would have impacted you, being raised as male and treated medically as male? Would they have done procedures to make you align more with being "male"? Since it took a long time to determine, you likely had (and possibly still have) ambiguous genitalia. This might sound silly, but have you taken the time to examine your genitalia? What is your (presumable) clitoris like? What does your entire vulva look like as a whole? What about the inner and outer labia?

Warning for illustrated images of genitalia

Upon examining yourself, do you feel like your genitalia start to lean away from the 6/7 area? (And even if they don't, that's okay, you could still be intersex, but ambiguous/different genitalia are a definite sign you are intersex.) (And also, I'd like to apologize greatly in advance if you are visually impaired. I am writing this as if you are not as most people on this blog are not and they might find help in your experiences later. If you are visually impaired, I will do my best to help how I can with visual traits of being intersex, but, as of writing this, I'm unsure how to describe or find ways to self-examine oneself for visual signs of being intersex while visually impaired. There's more information about the scale I posted here.) You might want to try to ask about your medical history and if you've ever had any treatments for things like your hormone levels or your genitalia.

Regardless of that, you're mentioning things that are signs of hyperandrogenism and/or hirsutism. It's possible you have those things, or both. You could look into things such as NCAH, PCOS, and hyperandrogenism in general. I have any posts about those and any asks about people who do have or show signs of those tagged on this blog.

Again, I'm really sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be treated that way. It's really, really hard to, but please do your best to stay brave and strong. I know it is hurtful to go through, but don't let medical professionals, doctors, or anyone deny your experiences or refuse you treatment or things you may need. You deserve medical treatment and medical reassurance. You do not deserve to be treated that way. You do not have to accept things at face value or the word of a medical professional who is mistreating you. Don't let them win. The medical field as a whole is unfortunately inherently intersexist. Medical professionals will often refuse that sort of treatment, even though they shouldn't. However, the answers are within your own body. In some cases, being intersex is only really able to be determined through testing, and most types of intersex diagnosis can only be determined through said testing, but, in a case like yours, one is able to determine if they feel the intersex label/community is right for them based on what they know about their own body. I know it's hard, but please keep advocating for your medical treatment. You might have to see if you can find other doctors or medical professionals who will treat you. And, also unfortunately, you need to consider that, even if you were able to be determined as intersex by a medical professional, it isn't unlikely that they'll try to conceal it. I am truly sorry the world isn't a better place for medical treatments in the fields of intersexuality and general sexology and gynecology.

You are stronger and braver than you know. You deserve to feel empowered about your body, not belittled. I hope I answered all of your concerns, and let me know if I missed anything! You aren't wrong or in the wrong. You are perfectly okay for questioning this, and you are right to feel hurt by such things happening.