#im back on my posting in the middle of the goddamn night bullshit and im??? not sorry

[tangledinink]

i’m going f*cking feral for the swanatello au

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swanatello

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[ladyofpurple]

here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

[vincess-princess]

i am in need of some hs!crüe just helping out Vince with his dyslexia and being really supportive and calming him down when he gets frustrated so if ya ever get the chance I’d love u forever 😊💓 thanks

jesus christ anon im so sorry everything went terribly wrong and i ended up with angst again and i don’t know why it happens i really tried to write fluff!! i guess im just not really in the state for the fluff now. i will post what i wrote here anyway because i spent three sleepless nights on this but it’s not what you asked for :(

Vince let out an exasperated sigh and threw the pencil onto the table. It bounced off it and rolled under the couch. Tommy bended down to pick it up, but it was out of his reach.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Vince announced, leaning back onto his chair and hiking his feet up on the table. “I’m fucking tired.”

“Tell Mick that when you’ll be making excuses for your test results.” Nikki looked up from the notebook where he was scribbling something for the past half an hour. He and Tommy had already finished their homework and were enjoying themselves, leaving Vince to fight with goddamned chemistry alone.

“He’ll understand.” Vince tried to sound confident and failed miserably. Tomorrow was Friday, and another meeting with Mick, and maybe getting to rehearse a couple of The Stones’ songs he showed them last week. Given, of course, that Vince scored more than 90% on his tomorrow chemistry test.

Which at the moment seemed pretty much impossible.

“Of course, he will.” Nikki nodded, a little too condescending to sound natural. “And, understanding everything, he won’t let you in until you bring him an A.”

“Thanks for keeping me updated, mate, I would never know that myself,” Vince couldn’t help but snap, irritation that had been building up in his chest jumping up from mild to high in a matter of seconds.

“I’d let you copy it if we weren’t always given different variants,” Tommy sighed, threw his drumstick in the air and promptly caught it. He’d been switching between running up- and downstairs to bring snacks to the room, spinning his drumsticks and trying to peek at Nikki’s lyrics for the last couple of hours, waiting for Vince to finish so they could go rehearse in the garage.

“No, thanks,” Vince snapped out, his tone maybe too harsh, but to hell with that. Tommy blinked in confusion, dropped his drumstick, plopped on his knees to get it from under the couch and stayed there for good five minutes.

“No need to get so bitchy, you know,” Nikki murmured. “He did you nothing wrong.”

Vince felt the blood rushing to his head.

“Maybe if you weren’t so bitchy yourself, I wouldn’t lash out on him!” his hands started shaking as he was actively suppressing the need to throw the goddamn textbook right at Nikki’s head.

“Maybe if you weren’t so fucking slow we would already have rehearsed everything and then some!”

“Nikki!” Tommy gasped somewhere in the background, but neither of them paid attention.

Slow, the word rang in Vince’s ears, and it was like a punch in the guts.

Nikki looked surprised when he realized Vince was not going to reply. Then he looked at Vince’s face, at Tommy’s shocked expression and became visibly uncomfortable.

“I hope you enjoy tomorrow meeting with Mick,” Vince said, his voice croaky. He grabbed his jacket and walked out of the room.

***

“Vinnie! Don’t go away!”

“Fuck off, T-bone,” Vince said tiredly, but slowed down, letting Tommy catch up with him. “Why don’t you go and rehearse with Nikki? I’m not slowing you two down anymore.” Yes, it was unfair to be so mean to Tommy. He didn’t seem to get upset over it, though.

“You know he didn’t mean it, right?” Tommy asked, still breathless from running. “He was just angry because he wanted to impress Mick tomorrow. You know how he gets about these meetings.”

“Apparently, they’re more important to him than me.”

“Bullshit.” Tommy grabbed him by the sleeve, forcing to stop. “You should’ve seen him after you left. Almost begged me to go bring you back.”

“Now this is definitely bullshit.” Vince stopped after all, still looking strictly forward, his chin unnaturally high. “If he wants me back so badly then why isn’t he here?”

“Too proud.” Tommy shrugged. “He’ll get over it and apologize… in a couple of days.”

“Well, I ain’t gonna wait here for so long. I’m going home.”

“No!” Tommy tugged on his jacket, let go when he saw Vince wasn’t going to stop and just walked by his side. He walked faster than Vince and had to make smaller steps to keep up with him. “Vinnie, please, let’s go back. I hate it when we argue.”

“Do you really wanna spend the night between two people who are actively hating on each other?”

“C’mon, you don’t hate each other. And we had arguments before, and everything turned out fine.”

“Well, Nikki didn’t call me stupid back then,” Vince reminded bitterly.

“He didn’t call you that!” Tommy resented. “He just meant it takes you a little longer…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m slow, I remember.”

“Christ.” Tommy looked up to the sky with a frustrated expression. “Listen, I don’t wanna say I’m the only one here to actually want this goddamn relationship to work, but it seems like the two of you do your best to fuck everything up.”

It was so out of the blue that Vince almost tripped over in the middle of a perfectly even road. “The fuck you mean by that?”

“I mean exactly what I said.” Tommy stopped, and Vince unconsciously followed suit, baffled by the unexpected stern notes in his voice. “You and Nikki are so busy guarding your fragile egos you don’t care if everything goes sour in the process.” Tommy’s eyes found Vince’s, for the first time since they started talking, and Vince couldn’t look away. “And I do. Even more than I’d want to.”

Tommy bit his lip and looked away, and Vince’s heart sank, because his last phrase was anything but stern or accusatory. Guilty. He sounded guilty. For caring.

The silence lasted, and lasted, and lasted, and neither of them could make a sound, and thousands of words were running through Vince’s head.

“Fuck,” Tommy finally broke it a couple of excruciatingly awkward minutes later, laughing nervously and still not looking at Vince. “It really sounded better in my head. Sorry for the drama.”

“It’s alright.” Vince’s mouth was dry.

“I guess you’d really better go home,” Tommy said, voice thick. “Do you want me to walk with you for a bit? It’s getting dark.”

“Yeah, it really is.” Vince murmured, lingering for a second, and then turned in the opposite direction. “How about I walk you to your house instead?”

Tommy blinked in confusion, then looked up at Vince and beamed.

***

“Oh,” Nikki almost jumped up when they entered the room, then quickly pretended he was going to get up anyway. “Vince, I-”

“-am sorry?” Vince interrupted him, feeling a rush of bitterness from the sight of Nikki. “Save your breath. I came back because Tommy asked me to, not because of you.”

“Well, and I asked Tommy to ask you to come back.” Nikki forced on a smile, though it looked more like a grimace.

“Hey, don’t get me into it!” Tommy resented, not-so-gently pushing Vince towards the bed and standing in front of the door like a guardian. “I got him here, now make up!”

Vince turned to Tommy and ran the side of his palm across his neck in an ultimately understandable I’m gonna kill you. Tommy smiled sheepishly but didn’t move an inch.

Nikki cleared his throat, attracting Vince’s attention.

“Um, I…” his voice faltered. He was never good at apologizing. Too proud, damn it. “I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You definitely shouldn’t have,” Vince agreed, keeping his voice cold, though the icky, bristly lump in his chest loosened up a little. Watching Nikki so guilty and struggling with his own pride – a trait he rarely tried to suppress - was doing wonders to Vince’s self-esteem. “Anything else to say besides the generic “I’m sorry”?”

“Christ,” Nikki sighed and covered his face with his hands for a moment before looking up at Vince again. “No. Nothing except that I was a major asshole.”

“You sure were.” Vince really hoped Nikki wouldn’t recognize amusement in his voice. Tommy did, and now was doing his best to fight down a smile, lest they accidentally hurt Nikki’s precious feelings. Some part of Vince encouraged him to burst into laughter at Nikki’s pitiful attempts, but he managed to suppress this desire so far. He might be a bitch, but not an asshole.

Nikki looked up at him with clear desperation in his eyes. He was truly sorry. He wasn’t pretending. The icky lump – his bitterness, his disappointment, his feeling of betrayal, - slackened, the tension it caused in his whole body started fading away. The hurt didn’t disappear completely, rather crawled into a hole somewhere far in the back of Vince’s mind to haunt him during some of those terrible sleepless nights of his. But for now it was gone - out of Vince’s way.  

“Listen, I don’t know what else to say,” Nikki admitted, looking Vince pleadingly in the eyes. “What do you want me to do to make up for this?”

“Suck my dick,” Vince offered in a completely serious tone that took all the remains of his poor self-restraint to pull off. Nikki’s face went from confused to indignant to hopeful in a split second, and this was the last straw for Vince’s self-control. He started laughing, and Tommy joined him a second later.

Nikki’s face went to indignant again and remained like this for a solid couple of seconds before he surrendered to laughter as well.

“You were fucking with me! The whole time! Did you plan it?”

“No, but you looked so miserable I couldn’t help it. The suggestion stands, by the way.”

“Oh, sure,” Nikki scrambled to get up, only to fall on his knees in front of Vince a second later. Vince tilted his head back and gripped the sheets, letting out a satisfied moan.

If Nikki would be so eager to blow him after every fight, he might need to reconsider his attitude towards them.

[a-writers-rambles]

Gavin’s Coffee

A/N Good morning/afternoon/evening/night everyone! Welcome to this lil coffee shop au I've been writing ;) It's loosely inspired by this post I once saw on here that I've now completely lost, so uh… props to that person for giving me the idea, I guess? If anyone thinks they might know what im talking about feel free to let me know haha :)

Without further ado, lets begin ;)

DBH Masterpost

My AO3

Characters: Human!RK900 (Richard), Gavin Reed

Ships: reed900

Wordcount: 772

TWs: none at all!

Richard pushed open the coffee shop door, a gentle tinkling sounding from somewhere inside the small building. He gave a sigh of relief as the cold was shut out behind him and he was enveloped by the strong smell of freshly brewed coffee. He pulled off his gloves and shook some snow out of his hair, looking around. He'd never been to this particular shop before, but had felt like mixing things up a little and trying something new today.

The shop wasn’t that large, only about 3 two-seater tables fitting inside, and it was quite cosy. There were a few decorations strung up about the place with the season; some lights, tinsel and a small Christmas tree set up in the corner. Picking his way between the tables, each decorated with a small candle placed in the middle, Richard made his way to the counter. There was a small display of various cakes and pastries beside the register, and beside that a man stood, leant casually against the counter, on his phone. Richard looked at him, immediately feeling nervous as he looked up from his phone at the sound of someone approaching. He was kind of attractive- Screw that, he was goddamn hot.

"Hey," the barista greeted shortly.

"Uh, hi," Richard cleared his throat a little, cheeks burning, staring up at the menu displayed on the wall behind the man to avoid looking at him. "Um, can I get a triple mocha latte with soy milk and two pumps of sugar free caramel syrup, a pump of sugar free vanilla syrup, extra foam and caramel drizzle, please?"

"That it?" the barista said with a sarcastic huff of laughter, looking up at him almost incredulously from where he'd been writing on the cup, still leaning against the counter. Richard frowned back at him and opened his mouth, about to retort, but the man interrupted before he could start. "That'll be $4.75."

Richard reached into his pocket for the money and placed it on the desk, the man putting it away then turning to make the coffee. An air of professionality was about him as he moved around the place. What he did seemed to come naturally to him, he was in his element, and Richard watched in fascination, a hint of pink to his cheeks. His movements were hypnotising in a way, and Richard didn't even notice he was staring, observing all the details he could about the man. Was that a tattoo he noticed peeking out from under his short sleeve? And, as Richard caught a glimpse of his face as he turned to pick something up, a scar across his nose?

A few minutes later and the man was placing a lid on the cup and holding it out to Richard, who was brought out of his daydreams with a slight jolt. He took the coffee, eyeing the man as he brought it to his lips and took a sip. He was expecting it to be wrong - most places he'd been to always missed something out - but much to his surprise, it tasted perfect. After a moment of savouring the taste, still standing by the counter, he spoke up again.

"Can I… talk to the manager?" Richard questioned a little tentatively, free hand clenched nervously.

"Manager currently speaking," the man replied plainly.

"O-oh, well uh, how about the owner?"

"Also currently speaking," he rolled his eyes. Richard frowned at him slightly disbelievingly. The man sighed, pointing at his name badge, 'Gavin', and then to Richard's coffee cup… 'Gavin's Coffee'.  Richard felt his cheeks flush again and he hesitated.

"Well, I just wanted to say that you make great coffee!" he spluttered hurriedly, pushing his thick-framed glasses up his nose indignantly before turning and heading straight back to the door, not looking back at Gavin or giving him another chance to speak.

The cold hit him in a rush as he opened the door, the distant tinkle going off once again, and exited back out into the snow. He wrapped both his hands around the warm cup, his heart rate beginning to calm down again, and let out a breath, the warm vapour spiralling up before him then dispersing with the biting winter wind. Richard looked down at the warm cup he gripped and noticed that where originally his order was being written, it was half finished and scribbled out, instead the words 'cute guy's bullshit' were scrawled beneath it. He smiled, a slight blush entering his cheeks that he didn't think was caused by the cold breeze. He would definitely be going back this coffee shop again tomorrow.

[doctorsorders-deathboy]

Of All the Nights

lmfao i guess i’m back from the dead bitches. (this wip has existed for so long. i could not tell you why i decided to finally finish it tonight but AAA im so excited to be posting a fic again omg) amusingly, my last fic also involved late night baking. i hope you enjoy!!

Word Count: 1941

Read on ao3

It was 3:07am on the third of January and Nico di Angelo was dressed in nothing but a too-small fuchsia bathrobe, soaking wet, and about ready to commit bloody murder.

It was very possible, he thought, that the bathrobe contributed to his fury.

This was the kind of disaster that he’d recount to Jason later, with countless creative swears thrown in, though as he stood shivering and fuming outside a stranger’s apartment, it occurred to him that this might be one of those stories that would get more laughs from Jason than shared anger. Asshole.

Speaking of assholes, the door finally opened, revealing a very flustered looking blond man around Nico’s age. For a moment, Nico almost backed off on his prepared rant upon seeing how miserable the blond looked, but when another draft of winter air hit Nico’s still dripping legs, his scowl only deepened.

“What the hell were you doing baking at fucking three in the morning?”

The blond blinked once, twice, three times. He opened his mouth, closed it, and Nico was about ready to break his damn nose when he finally said, “Sorry… Do I know you?”

Nico had never had height to his advantage but hell if he didn’t know how to make himself intimidating. The blond shrunk back as Nico reared himself up to hiss, “Luckily, I was able to make it through 21 years of my life without meeting you before you had to go and nearly set the damn building on fire because of your insomniac cooking. Do you have any idea what kind of night you’ve caused for me? Did it ever occur to you that maybe you should save your incompetence for the waking hours when most people will be out at work anyways? Honestly, what kind of bullshit did you pull to make the fucking fire alarms go off? Did you pull this shit on purpose? Is this some kind of a joke to you?”

The man took much too long to answer again and Nico was collecting every bit of self control he had to keep himself from wringing this jackass’s neck when the response finally came. “Why are you wet?”

Nico must have reared up spectacularly that time because the man quickly amended, “I mean―! I’m sorry, that’s not the point here, um…” He peeked out of his apartment and looked around the deserted hallway. “If you want to yell at me, can you do it in here? I don’t want to wake anyone else up.”

“Like hell, you care,” Nico grumbled but willingly stepped into the man’s apartment. In hindsight, this really wasn’t Nico’s wisest move considering this guy was a stranger and Nico was nearly naked, but the blond seemed about as threatening as a frightened mouse. A tall, blue-eyed, frightened mouse who somehow had a tan in the dead of winter.

“Sorry, who are you again?” the blond asked, closing the door behind a fuming Nico.

“Your pissed off neighbor from two floors up,” Nico snapped. Unfortunately, the blond visibly cringed, looking like a kicked puppy, so Nico muttered, “Nico. Di Angelo,” as a reconcilement.

“Will Solace,” the blond introduced himself in return. He held his hand out to shake but quickly drew it back when it was clear that Nico’s arms were not moving from where they were crossed against his chest.

They stood in uncomfortable silence until Nico repeated, “How the hell did you set off the fucking alarm?” in as dangerous a voice as he could manage.

“I, well…”

Nico shot another fierce glare and Will didn’t waste anymore time in getting to the point.

“I was making pizzelles for my sister’s birthday and the iron must’ve broken because it was making a lot of smoke. It set off the fire alarm which went off throughout the whole building and… yeah. It was a mess. I’m really sorry. I feel awful.”

Nico didn’t doubt Will’s sincerity. The poor man was hunched in on himself with bags under his hands and his hands firmly stuck in his pockets. That didn’t make his story any less ridiculous, though.

“I’m sorry,” Nico said without a hint of remorse, “I think I missed something. Why the hell were you baking at three in the fucking morning?”

Will frowned at him. “You curse a lot,” he muttered.

“Why the fuck were you―”

“I was working until 1am!” Will exclaimed, which was the first indignant comment he’d made. “And I have classes at ten in the morning, but I promised to meet my friend for coffee at eight so I figured I’d just power through and bake when I got home but―” His voice broke off.

Nico’s cheeks tinted with embarrassment upon seeing Will’s face crumple a bit. God, please don’t cry. Nico hadn’t ever been very good at comforting crying people.

“Sorry,” Will said, his voice hoarse. “I should probably… I’m just going to clean up and go to bed. No more smoke. I promise.” He attempted a laugh to lighten the mood but it came out strangled and pitiful.

Nico was about ready to leave Will to mope when he spotted a picture hanging on the wall across the room. Will stood in the center, looking much happier than he did standing in front of Nico. The Will in the picture had a smile that made you want to smile back and had each arm thrown around a friend, pulling them close. He looked jubilant; the kind of person who you felt certain you could approach without fear. It was a painful contrast to the melancholy man Nico had met.

It felt very wrong to Nico that someone so happy could look so broken.

“What about your sister’s pizzelles?” Nico asked quietly.

Will shrugged. “I’ll have to buy her something on my way over tomorrow. Hopefully she won’t mind. I just feel bad, I promised I’d bake for her. Those pizzelles are her favorite.”

Nico considered this for a moment before internally rolling his eyes at himself. “Then we’d better make some pizzelles, shouldn’t we?”

~*~

“You still never explained to me why you showed up at my apartment soaked and nearly naked,” Will said conversationally, as he stood washing the dishes while Nico carefully arranged pizzelles in a tin.

Nico cleared his throat. “That’s a conversation starter I haven’t heard before.”

“Seriously,” Will said, grinning. “Were you swimming?”

“Why would I be swimming in the dead of night?”

Will shrugged. “I dunno, that’s why I was asking.”

“I wasn’t swimming.” Nico put the lid on the tin and turned around, pulling his fuchsia bathrobe tighter around himself.

Will turned towards him, too, eyebrows still raised.

Nico exhaled very slowly before admitting, “I was taking a shower.”

Will blinked. “At… three in the morning?” When Nico’s expression darkened, he added quickly, “Not that I’m judging! Obviously. I’ve taken many middle-of-the-night showers. I just… So, are you a med student, too, or what?”

Nico scuffed his shoe across the floor and grumbled, “No.”

“Okay.”

Silence.

“So…”

“I had a dream,” Nico blurted, probably due to a combination of his lack of sleep and the way Will’s eyes had this kind, dreamy quality to them that made you feel like you could tell him anything.

Will’s eyebrows furrowed. “You showered because you had a dream?” His eyebrows shot upward. “Oh.”

“Not like that!” Nico said quickly, heat rushing to his face. “No, oh my god, no, that’s not…” And then he was laughing harder than he had in a long time and Will was laughing with him and he hardly felt embarrassed anymore. “No, it was a nightmare, not…” Nico tried to catch his breath. “Not that.”

Will tsked. “That’s a shame.”

“Yes, very disappointing.”

“So the shower was, what, to calm you down?”

Nico shifted, his mind flashing back to the dark, blurred images of a few hours ago. Bianca’s smile melting off her face, his mother screaming for him, a packed, dark room where people were crying and disappearing one by one, and he was next, he was next―

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “Basically.”

When he’d woken up, he’d had to spend what felt like eternity reminding himself how to breathe again. He’d been having more nightmares recently, ones so bad that he almost considered Jason’s advice to start seeing a therapist. I mean, shit, he knew college wasn’t doing much for him in the mental health department but things hadn’t been this bad since he was thirteen.

He tried different things each night to get himself back to sleep―whatever it took. One night he didn’t manage to properly get back to sleep afterwards; he just lay in his bed with the lights on and music playing, counting the beats of his heart as he dozed on and off. That night, after waking up, he couldn’t stand his own skin, couldn’t stand being trapped in his body any longer, couldn’t stand the way he could still feel cold, dead hands from the dream clutching him―

So he’d gotten in the fucking shower and made the water as hot as he could stand and then the goddamn fire alarm went off. Jesus Christ, of all the fucking nights.

“Must have been a pretty bad dream,” Will murmured.

Nico shrugged. “Yeah, I mean… Yeah. I was… Sorry for being so harsh on you earlier. I was still kind of shaken up, I guess. I probably wouldn’t have marched to your apartment for a stupid mistake on a normal night.”

Will grinned. “Probably?”

“Maybe.”

Will laughed. “Oh, here!” He handed a small tin to Nico. “You helped make em, you should get some for yourself.”

Nico opened it to see that it was crammed full of pizzelles. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, of course. I love the bathrobe, by the way―I never said.”

“Oh god.” Nico groaned. “It’s not mine.”

“Your girlfriend’s?”

And then Nico was laughing again. Christ, that was twice in one night. Something must be wrong with him. “Yeah, no. It’s my sister’s.”

“Ah. Well, for the record, my next guess was that it was your boyfriend’s. I don’t mean to assume anything.”

Nico sucked his teeth. “I don’t have one of those, I’m afraid.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Yes, very disappointing.”

Will smiled softly to himself and Nico noticed that he had a dimple on one side of his face. God. Nico really wished he smiled more.

“Well, thanks so much for the baking help. You really didn’t have to,” Will said as they walked towards the door.

Nico waved him off. “I’m the one who came to your apartment in an angry rage. I needed to make it up to you somehow.”

“Do you frequently get in angry rages?”

“Yes, but mostly just for the aesthetic. Usually I’m too tired to be properly angry.”

Will laughed.

“I’ll return the tin to you, by the way,” Nico added.

“Will you be showing up at my apartment nearly naked again?”

Nico flushed and laughed nervously. “No, I promise I will be fully clothed.”

Will hummed disappointedly. “Well, I suppose I can’t have everything,” he murmured. He smiled then, full and warm, and his eyes crinkled at the corners, and yes, Nico definitely wanted to see that smile more. “Goodnight, Nico,” he said cheerfully.

The door shut before Nico could figure out a way to respond. He stood there staring at it for a solid thirty seconds before turning and heading back to his apartment. When he got back, he decided, he’d put the pizzelles in a different container. He wanted to return the tin to Will Solace as soon as he could get away with.

[gubloid13]

On KPOP

Okay. It's no secret that I like K-pop. My first ever experience was when I stumbled across Girls Generation's "Gee" video late one night whilst prowling the internet like the no-life nerd that I was in middle school. I watched it, was blown away, and moved on. At that time I had no idea that I had come across one of the most iconic K-pop videos of all time. I didn't even know what K-pop was. I didn’t really think about the video again until I was in my sophomore year of high school. That's when I met her.

Now, I wont get into much detail about her. She was, for the most part, a good friend. Granted, I don’t really remember much about our friendship, but I do remember that for that year at least we spent a lot of time together. 

Anyway, back to K-pop. She was absolutely obsessed with K-pop. She would always show me videos and I would watch with feigned interest as she babbled about how thin an beautiful each of the members was. I, at the time anyway, was preoccupied with my own thoughts of how cute this one boy from JROTC was (spoiler: he's a dick), so I didn't really pay attention to anything that she was saying. So I was so close at this point to getting hooked, but I wasn't quite there.

No, the hook came when I gave her my little iPod shuffle to download her library onto it. You see, I often get bored of the music I listen to on a daily basis so I need to get new stuff to listen to. So she downloaded her playlist and I gave it a listen. She introduced me to Marina and the Diamonds, Lana Del Rey, and, most importantly, f(X). When I saw the artist name f(x), I thought it was gonna be some math nerd bullshit. I was so, so wrong.   

Electric Shock by f(x) was the very first K-pop song I listened to and remembered. I remember it very vividly, I was on the bus going home from school and I was browsing the artist names when I decided "fuck it" and tapped on the math nerd bullshit name. The song started and I was left in awe. My mouth hung open in amazement. My first thought was "this isn't English". My second thought was "this is goddamned amazing". And for the rest of the bus ride home (and the rest of that week) I listened to that song on repeat. At that point, there still might've been a chance for me.

Now, it took me a few days before I finally caved and looked up the music video on YouTube. That's when it was all over. The music video had amazing visuals. Bright colors, awesome choreography, and bad ass outfits. I became obsessed. I watched all of their music videos, I learned all of the members names, and I learned more about them. And so began my spiral into the depths of the K-Pop fandom.

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past ten years, you'll know about YouTube and it's "recommended" sidebar on videos. You can literally just sit there and click away until you die. Anyway, YouTube recommended that I watch videos from other groups. I was a little hesitant, but you know I clicked that shit. That's how I got introduced to SHINee, Girls Generation, Super Junior, BIG BANG, and so on and so forth. (that's not all the groups, just the first ones)

These days it's so much more than just watching M/V's and interviews on YouTube. My entire life has been consumed. I follow every social media platform the group is on be it Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Vlive, Weibo, Snapchat, Kakao, EVERYTHING. Every goddamned tweet gets liked and rt, every Instagram post gets liked and commented on, EVERY VLIVE GETS THE AUTO CLICKER GOING ON TWO DIFFERENT PHONES WHILE I'M COMMENTING FROM MY LAPTOP. I order all of the albums that I don't have in sets if there's more than one version, buying official merchandise, and honestly I'm thinking about buying lightsticks even though I probably wont go to a concert anytime soon (because im poor and its hard to leave Alaska).

DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON COMEBACKS. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE COMEBACKS. UGH.

Pre-ordering each version, constantly posting, constantly checking SNS for updates, CRYING ACTUAL TEARS, counting down the days, waiting for concept photos and teasers, AND WHEN THE NEW MV DROPS AT 1 IN THE GODDAMNED MORNING WATCHING IT ON THE SIX DEVICES THAT I HAVE UNTIL THE WHOLE ALBUM IS RELEASED ON ITUNES AT 3AM, LISTENING TO THE WHOLE THING, CRYING AGAIN,  AND THEN WATCHING THE COMEBACK VLIVE AND GIVING THEM ALL I HAVE TO GIVE. 

And why? Why do I put in this much effort to support these people who will never know that I exist? 

There was a time where I kind of fell off the fandom wagon because I didn’t know why I was doing any of this (I was also SUPER depressed but whatever). I've given it some thought and I think I can explain.

I put in the effort that I do because I am lonely. And these idols, these artists, make the effort to connect with us, their fans. Watching their videos, seeing their posts, and hanging out during their live videos feels almost like spending time with an old friend. And spending time with them like this makes me feel less alone I guess. They become a familiar face to us, and they just bring a smile to my face. They work so unbelievably hard for us, to make their music, to spend time with us, to put on concerts all around the world, to perfect their choreography, while also following the rules that come with being an idol. And if they're going to put in that much work for us, we have to match them in their effort. Because they really deserve the world.

And beyond just the idols, there is also a deep connection between fans as well. We are a family. I know that there is often times a lot of drama in the K-Pop fandom, and that comes from the passion that is in each and every fan, no matter who their favorite group is. K-pop fans are some of the most passionate and fiercely loyal people you will ever meet.  And we all think that our group is the best group (I'll cover that in another post). 

Being in this fandom you will meet people from all around the world, from all walks of life, and you will have something in common: your love for your group. There is the common goal to support this group, to make sure that they know how much we love them in the only way we can; through the numbers. The more views, likes, and votes we can give them the more they'll know we love them. We're all in this together. 

(HOLY SHIT THAT'S LONG I'M SORRY IF YOU ACTUALLY READ ALL THAT ILY)

in the tags are all the groups i follow/support/love/listen to/cry over. (IM SURE I MISSED SOMEONE BUT I CANT TELL WHO DAMMIT IM SORRY)

if your group isnt there, feel free to message me and tell me about them! i love learning about new groups!

[uniformbravo]

god free! is such a dumb goofy series i love it like shit gets real sometimes but when it comes down to it it’s just a bunch of dumb goofy teens living their lives together?? i have compiled a list of my favorite examples from s1

makoto: *enters haru’s house uninvited, walks right into the bathroom while haru’s in the bath, presumably naked* hey haru: ....................................hey LIKe he just.... Accepts that this is happening, theres like a solid like 2 seconds of him just staring at makoto like he’s debating within himself whether to Say It or not before almost tangibly going “fuck it” & just going along w/ it*

haru & makoto & nagisa going “is it really okay to dig up our old trophy if rin isn’t here? idk it just feels wrong w/o him” only to find out that rin not only beat them there but also fucking just went ahead and dug it up by himself hfjdkjgd

haru having some kind of sixth sense for sugar apparently??? when nagisa throws “salt” on them he like tenses up all dramatic & goes “this isnt salt........................ it’s sugar” like ok????? just gonna let that one go i guess

rin having sharp teeth for absolutely no fucking reason

haru & rin not noticing the fucking pool they're about to race in is empty????

haru straight up rejecting their encounter with rin & trying to convince himself they all hallucinated him like huh? what? rin?? haha impossible he’s in australia there’s no way he couldve been at the swim club last night. no theres no such thing as airplanes he’s gone forever. yes im sure

rin going back to the old swim club again bc the first time his melodramatic brooding was interrupted by those old elementary school Goons showing up so he needed a do-over

nagisa skinny dipping in samezuka’s pool??? an apparently prestigious competitive swimming powerhouse that trains up future professional gold medalists, reigning champions of interhigh swim meets near and far in that same water & nagisa just jumps the fuck in dick out no fucks to give whatsoever???? this bitch

haru literally only showing up to both the old swim club and samezuka academy for the pools, it’s literally the equivalent of college students showing up to any given event for free food (and the fact that they had to break in both times, these Rowdy-Ass Teens)

rin showing up just in time to interrupt their illicit pool activities bc he Sensed Them

haru wearing his swimsuit under his clothes literally everywhere despite reportedly not having actually swum since middle school (except for in the ocean during summer, but it’s like the middle of spring rn?? is he just doing this in way advanced preparation? is this the equivalent of people who start posting abt halloween in july)

gou showing up to haru’s house bc apparently she just Knows where he lives (also haru hearing the doorbell & immediately submerging his head in the bath bc he’d rather drown than have to answer the door #relatable)

rei calling haru “haru-chan-san” upon first meeting him bc “haru-chan” is what nagisa has been referring to him as so that’s his sole point of reference but he also has to add his own honorific too bc come on

haru being instantly pissed at this random new fuck for calling him not only -chan, his Least favorite honorific, but now -san on top of it too??? Outrageous (and this is the same guy who reportedly “hates water,” a completely unacceptable sentiment that should under no circumstances be allowed anywhere near their team in the first place- honestly from haru’s pov it’s like “oh so this is the guy who hates water huh, this hot shit” & then the hot shit’s all “you must be haru-chan-san” he probably just immediately sees red ghdjsjf)

nagisa’s whole “we need this guy bc he has a girly name just like us it’s fate” thing even tho rei’s already in the track club doing pole vaulting that he’s obviously been training v hard to be able to do is such a stupid anime bullshit motivation & my favorite part of it is that their plan for recruiting him basically amounts to the whole gang of idiots showing up to all of rei’s practices and staring at him intensely from the corner until he joins them, like,,,, think of this from rei’s perspective he’s just minding his own business trying to perfect pole vaulting & these fuckers have fixated on him for no apparent reason? he can’t even swim???

rei going so far out of his way to avoid admitting to nagisa that he can’t swim that he comes up with this bullshit philosophy about “humans evolved from the water so why would we regress and get back into it??? Checkmate y’all are fucking idiots now leave me alone” (& also the effort & passion he puts into the delivery, the overdramatic gesturing hfhhddjf rei are u sure u don’t actually belong in the drama club)

after all that, rei up and deciding to leave the track team (even tho he literally structured his daily schedule around it, went running in the mornings & everything, read books n shit) to join the swim club bc haru just looked really, really cool while swimming that one time

haru legitimately having a hard time choosing between like 5 of the exact same swim suit

when they’re trying to figure out why rei can’t swim & haru’s like “the water doesn’t like him” & nagisa’s immediately like “poor rei-chan :(” like hfkglfkj he just Accepts

rei being so frustrated with his inability to swim that he blames it on his speedo & is very convinced that buying a new one will somehow solve all of his problems (& everyone else just going along w/ it like ok i guess it’s time to go swimsuit shopping then)

haru, the owner of the previously mentioned 5 identical swimsuits, joining in with everyone else to go shopping for even more swimsuits, and picking out another one that looks just fucking like the other 5 he already has

nagisa being told that he can’t put their ugly-ass bird mascot on the swim team uniform so he puts “secret iwatobi-chan” on the back of the shirt that will be hidden beneath the jacket as if that’s not Blatantly what he was told not to do (also the fact that anyone entrusted the handling of the uniforms to nagisa, the exact kind of person who would do exactly that kind of thing)

(ok this one isnt rly goofy but haru just bit his ice cream & im so intimidated rn??)

rin’s fucking 6th sense for haru again???? “smells like mackerel”????? i truly cannot handle this one (haru & company are looking in at samezuka’s practice through the window & rin’s just like “HUH what the fuck is that who’s there i smell Mackerel” like????? oh my fucking god)

amakata “we don’t have enough money for a training camp” miho renting herself and gou a room at a lodge on the beach?????? power move

this goddamn show having a fun ~spooky~ haunted house adventure right after everyone almost fucking Died

haru’s story about his “first love” being about a fucking waterfall igmgkdjkg

rin jogging on the beach the next morning & stopping by the tents like “who r these fuckin dumbasses camping right on the shoreline” & then he turns around and there’s haru & his band of swimming idiots

rin waiting in the hallway at the interhigh in case haru comes by so he can casually get up & have a Cool And Dramatic confrontation w/ him where he brags how he’s gonna beat him in their upcoming race (which, even better, he purposely entered himself at a lower skill level to be able to do while probably his whole team went “uhhhh are u sure abt this lmao we’re kind of trying to be the best here” & hes just like “yeah yeah its fine it’s gonna be so fucking cool just wait”)

haru apparently also having a Rin Sense where he just Feels that rin is there, watching him about to swim (although now that i think about it that bright red hair is probably a fuckin beacon, i bet literally everyone looked over at him the second he stepped out of that doorway- that and the massive aura of Teen Angst surrounding him at all times)

the whole thing with nagisa & rei’s operation at the summer festival to keep haru from seeing rin? first of all is v cute but they get so into it fjdhgkdj fucking dumb cute kids playing secret detective mission texting each other Classified Intel about the location of their targets while also trying to hide it from haru & makoto (who eventually find out bc nagisa is literally the worst liar ever while also already being the most suspect little shit out of all of them by nature)

rei getting so caught up in the detective shit that he ends up following rin out of the festival entirely & into town where the purpose of his pursuit in the first place is irrelevant bc haru’s not gonna suddenly happen upon rin at the elementary school?? rei is such a nosy bitch i love him

rei being such a nosy bitch that he inadvertently fixes the emotional turmoil that has been building between rin & the others unresolved for years

rin texting gou to get rei’s number bc he needs to have a Serious and Dramatic conversation w/ him but he didnt have the chance to exchange contact info the last time they yelled at each other behind the school

rin sitting alone in samezuka’s bus bc they banned him from swimming for being too obsessed w/ haru & he needs somewhere to Sulk

rin finding some random tree outside the swim meet & being like “this reminds me of that tree from elementary school” bc hes a nostalgic bitch like that

haru being able to find rin bc he saw the same tree earlier and went “wait, rin’s a nostalgic bitch, i know Exactly where the fuck he went” & Sure Enough

iwatobi getting themselves disqualified bc they wanted to swim w/ rin in an official race like??? i know it’s an emotional & satisfying moment but miho chewing them out for it afterward is so fucking funny like objectively this team was doing rly well & then suddenly went “u know what, we do what we want, this red guy is ours now” & the judges went “hmm............... no”

in the v last episode when theyre all just sitting in a classroom w/ rin having him pretend to introduce himself as if he were a transfer student like theres absolutely no reason for this, theyre just goofing off together and reconnecting after having lost each other for so many years & it’s so dumb & heartwarming & the perfect way to close off the season & im crying i really do love this show i love these characters so much what a dumb cute goofy heartfelt show aaaaaa free is a treasure

*from the very 1st point: i know there r cultural differences to take into account where it’s probably not as big a deal for makoto to walk in on haru’s bath time in japan as it would be in like, america & the real issue haru takes w/ this happening is that his one little place of refuge in a world w/o water is being breached by this annoyingly persistent guy who not only interrupts his coping time but is actively trying to get him to leave it for “important” things like “going to school” and “not being late” & the extended pause is really him registering this unpleasant situation & trying to decide if it’s worth it to fight for his solitude, ultimately deciding it’s not worth the energy and begrudgingly accepting makoto’s outstretched hand, though he vocalizes his displeasure by rejecting his -chan bc no one who pulls him away from the water is someone he can call a friend, not even his like. actual friend. only friend. either one

anyway i love free bye

[tumblunni]

Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

[promof1976]

aahhhhhhhh;; you reblogged that post w the autistic anton hc and im!!! its nice to know im not the only one who thought he had autism. personally i also hc him as having a mild form of ocd but i aint a psychiatrist and he isnt a real person so *shrug emoji*. pls...... tell me abt any other headcanons u have for him....... i Hunger for content

yeeees like autistic anton is like Really Special to me for a lot of personal reasons, and while i’ve never really thought of anton having ocd, i can definitely see how that could be the case

and dude.

dude.

i could go on all day abt my thousands of head canons for this ridiculous man so i’m gonna put this under a read more (a few of these are just like real self indulgent so yeah)

- first of all, if you’ve been on my blog for longer than five seconds, you probably know abt the anton and allison reynolds thing (in which he’s her bio dad)

- he’s around 6′9″ (he’s like. ed kem.per height. it’s terrifying)

- he’s ace/aro (sex repulsed/romance repulsed)

- he is selectively mute most of the time and also refuses to communicate during these times (or ever, really), so ppl have to play the guessing game with him. he thinks the gradual panic in their eyes is somewhat amusing.

- he fucking Hates liars. he will literally track somebody down and murder them bc they lied to him once like ten years ago

- he and carson used to be friends once (and by friends, i mean, “carson thought they were friends but in reality, anton just barely tolerated him”) and they traveled together on and off for like at least two years before Something happened and they split (long story short, anton tried to kill carson in the middle of the night and carson fled the hotel).

- this man never gets any goddamn sleep. he is 100% that person who is about to die from sleep deprivation and is literally dragging himself across the damn floor bc he can barely walk and is still like “who needs sleep i am Thriving”

- has got some Serious anger problems. like dude will sometimes rent a hotel room just so he can rip it apart in a fit of rage (probably has done similar things to human beings as well el em ay oh)

- he got the haircut after losing a bet (coin toss) back in the seventies and he fucking hates it. he feels a part of himself die inside every time he looks in the mirror and sees that haircut. the reason he keeps it is because of that “keeping to his word” bullshit, it’s easier to manage, and he got used to it and now it Has to be this way

- lowkey on some weird puritan bullshit. like straight up the embodiment of that “slasher movie villain brutally murdering a couple right when they’re abt to have sex” trope.

- if he hadn’t turned to a life of killing, he probably would’ve been a surgeon. probably would ended up getting sued for medical malpractice at some point but hey! at he’s not Trying to kill ppl

- he did used to feel guilty abt the awful shit he does. note “used to”. might too detached from everything for it to really be considered guilt at this point. now it’s just a general sense of “shouldn’t have done that. really shouldn’t have done that” at best.

- he’s only had sex with one (1) person, and that person was allison’s mom. it was terrible for both parties involved.

- refuses to learn from any mistakes that aren’t murder-related.

- while he Does have a major god complex (that he refuses to admit is a god complex), he doesn’t really believe that he’s an “agent of fate” or whatever, at least not deep down. he just doesn’t want to admit to himself that that he’s a horrible person and face the (emotional) consequences for his actions bc he knows that if he does, he’ll collapse mentally and would likely never recover. so he just rationalizes it all away using his fate bullshit. he didn’t Really choose to kill all those ppl as a result of deeply-rooted/unprocessed anger and a frightening unwillingness to see other ppl as human beings, you see, fate just made him do it! (despite the fact that he actively seems to seek out opportunities to kill ppl in the film but okay sure anton). hell, he had told himself this so much that he had actually started to buy into his own bullshit. then the talk with carla jean and the car crash happened. it left him Very disillusioned, to say the least.

- his feelings abt his life are really complicated. he doesn’t want to kill himself but god he’s just so fucking ready to die make it end Please. his relationship with death is that gif of judge judy tapping her watch and then banging the podium.

- in 1989, he got his wish. cause of death: gunshot, penetrated the heart. time of death: instantaneous.

aaaand that’s all i can think that’s all i can think of right now (i’ll add on to it if i think of some more). any way, i love this ask and i love you anon bc i’ve finally gotten to infodump abt him so thank you so much!!!

[trannytr0uble]

Wrong Turn: Review of House of a 1,000 Corpses

Alright so here is my official first review on my tumblr, that will actually get posted. On my radar, yesterday night I watched Rob Zombie’s A House of a Thousand Corpses. I don’t know know much about Rob Zombie, other than that fact that he directed movies, and made music, and Im honestly not too much of a fan of his music or him. This felt like his Texas Chainsaw Masscare meets, House of Wax, meets Hills That Have Eyes twist of a movie. I just wanna put a disclaimer that is okay to just watch film and enjoy it, but also it’s okay to watch and critique.  I’m a fan of both. In my notes I listed :

- visiting south, and midwest as a circus attraction, stereotypes of poor people in the south and midwest

`-class dynamic 

-white supremacy imagery with otis

-what are the reasons for the family killing people

-what was rob zombie trying to get across with movie.

-how i feel about this movie.

In this review my points will be mostly surrounding the backswood family ( Otis, Baby Firefly, Mother Firefly, Grampa Hugo, Tiny, Dr. Satan, and Captain Spaulding even though he isnt a family member but they both work together.), and the two couples (Bill Hundley, Mary Knowles, Jerry Goldsmith, Denise Willis)

Okay this is no first of showing hillbillies or country folks as psycho killers, who just going to hold you hostage, tie you up, and torture you once you hit our back roads. This has been a horror movie staple to make poor people look scary, circus like, and feed into so many stereotypes of people in the country in so many words i can’t describe. I feel like that’s the feel I get from the characters in this film, they are all given these stereotypes, but it seems like with like subtle political statements being made with the characters, that seem like he is trying “humanize” them in a way, or “justify” their actions.  i feel still it backfires and still uplift the stereotypes rather than destroy or critisize them. I had a hard time finding resources on why Zombie did this movie. It anyone know of any send them my way? So the premise of this movie (to sum it briefly), there are these two couples on the road, who are going to all the wild attractions, and things they see on their trip across country. They end up seeing a sign on the road pointing the to  carnival like circus like Captain Spauldings Museum of Monsters and Madman this is where we run into Sid Haig’s Captain Spaulding character. Here they after going on “A Murder Ride”, Spaulding during the ride mentions  a legend called “Dr. Satan” who was a killer surgeon essentially, the couples, go out to look for this legend. and what do you know they run into hitchiker Baby Firefly (Sheri Moon Zombie’s character) who takes them to the house where the killer backwoods family there holds them there to die slowly. 

Now that i got through getting through the bold plotline of the film i’m going to get into what really urked me about the stereotypes being put into play with the characters from the dynamic of the family, and out of towner couples. i couldn’t stop wondering what was the families reason for killing especially after Zombie inserted a class politic with these characters that i feel backfires. For example this exemplfying itself with that fact that the pair of couples reason of the roadtrip is to record all the weird attractions in the rural country area, and even with the Bill Hundley and Jerry Goldsmiths first encounter with Captain Spaulding; 

Captain Spaulding: I know what your problem is.

Bill Hudley: What's that?

Captain Spaulding: Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?

Bill Hudley: Jerry...

Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, ma. Slide me some grits, I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.

Bill Hudley: Jerry...

Captain Spaulding: You asshole.

Or with Otis and his monologues: “Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.

The insertion of this politic alongside the stereotype of rural country folk being deranged racists falls, and backfires. There is also white supremacist imagery with Otis who sports a confederate flag hat. As a person who spend a great deal of their time in backwoods, in southern virginia this pisses me off. it makes midwestern and southern country people in middle America, and the underbelly, look like we live like animals, it’s dehumanizing, it takes away from having an actual conversation about our problems dealing with race, and class. Showing us a “psycho”, “demonic” killers who tied up, and torture people in house is really fucked, and made the movie very hard to watch, i almost wish he didn’t add this into the movie. It’s already been done a ton of times asshole. 

In conclusion, I felt like the acting was great despite how horrendous the content behind the acting was. I like the grindhouse frame shots. I do not appreciate or like the content or whatever points he was trying to prove with the class politic it backfires, and makes those most affected in middle america, and the underbelly of the south look subhuman, and like animals, and falls into classism, racism all other systems of oppression we fall under. Please stop with these bullshit stereotypes. I know this movie is apart of a movie trilogy, i may watch Devil Rejects, if any of you would like me to write a review. I hope this all made sense, thank you for reading feel free to comment your thoughts. 

totaldestructionbabe

[happyk44]

YFIP: Ollie, Part Nine

yoooooooo, im at fudging nine, @spacejasontodd

HAS NEVER SEEN A ROOSTER EVER

has seen maybe one (1) chicken

can't be bothered to check what part they're on for my YFIP list (laziness is a sin, ollie, and it was 5)

cares about Keef (disgusting)

thinks i almost cried when I EXPLICITLY SAID I MEANT IT IN AN EMOTIONAL WAY (fool, I have never cried in my life, ever)

thinks i care about jason todd bc i experienced emotions once for him

10/10 would slap (gently pwaps tho, ur face probably bruises like a peach)

confuses me almost every day

their entire life is confusion

daddy issues

mommy issues

sibling issues

literally has enough issues to cover every family member

defs the type to look uncool on a motorcycle which automatically notches anyone's coolness up by five points (ur like negative one million cool)

is so uncool, their coolness is negative one million

me: i gotta get dressed for work ollie: good luck!

why the fuck would i need luck for getting dressed

ollie i get dressed all the time

it's not rocket science for me

why are you like this

LAZY

won't call me daddy (offense, ollie. i'd be a great father)

claims that reading porn and looking at it elicites two different responses for them and that's why they won't read my smut but will look and send me different pornographic pics of voltron characters

ollie, my writing is not as explicit as seeing a dick physically go into someone's ass.

is that it??

ARE YOU SAYING U WON'T READ MY SMUT BC IT'S NOT EXPLICIT ENOUGH (offense)

married me and trying to hook me up with a gf

polyam for the win, bro

hates angst but intentionally went back and changed their prompt to an angsty prompt for two of the angstiest characters ever

the meme that goes person a "do you have this thing", person b who visibly has the thing "no" - that's us.

ollie's usually person a bc they are soft like a watermelon

how the fuck do u save weed tea? why are you saving it anyway?

wants me to message them about things but frankly that would decrease my problems for them and i cannot have that

"where are my effects" - ollie immediately after taking a hit of weed

im like 500% sure it was actually grass

claims to have smoked 1 weed

actually has more likely smoked 1 grass

told me they had wi-fi and then didn't tell me when their wi-fi access stopped and then promptly complained when i kept sending them data-eating shiz

u should've told me, fool

this is your own fault

honestly, im still stuck on the fact that they wished me good luck at getting dressed

im very able-bodied and also not a child

i did not need good luck

thinks i stopped tagging them in stuff

fool, relax, i got shit in my queue for you

has no idea what they're gonna do in their future

speaks like twenty languages (unnecessary)

wants to speak like fifty more (doubly unnecessary)

made a post about the fact that i sent them every emoji i had available on my phone in consistent stream

doesn't know their zodiac and astological bullshit but had the nerve to tell me i was wrong about mine (i was not so haha)

blames me for being the reason why lance is piloting red and allura for piloting blue

look, ollie, you fuck, do you think i knew what they were planning?? no??? I WAS JUST TRYING TO WRITE ANGST MY GUY

“I’ll wait for u bro” (i was going to the store)

always dramatic

hates antis but would probably be annoyed by the lack of drama if they didn’t exist

cares about inifity war and probably doesn't worry it will be a disaster, despite the fact that it has 20+ characters and stuff with 20+ characters interacting is always a hit or a miss

the saltiest potato chip

follows the politics of their government like some kind of fool who cares about the direction their country is going in (loser)

once claimed that i, a native english speaker, was speaking the language wrong

ollie

ollie, bro, this is literally the language i grew up with, what did u grow up with, polish, that's right, you fool, you know nothing about english and everything i say is automatically correct by virtue of me being native to this damn language so ha

defs gay for me

also a goddamn nerd

got excited because someone messaged them about jason todd out of the blue

i mean what kind of nerd

bigass nerd

hugeass nerd

the nerdiest of all the nerds

has comic books??? (the nerdiness just mass increases)

reblopped a post i made after it reached like 500 notes just to tell me in the tags that i was doing a good job

i mean

they literally stalk my notes and progress on posts

and i don't even udnerstand why??

are u waiting for me to get famous off a shitpost??

is ur goal here to be famous by association???

i feel like ur goal here is to be famous by association

why

they were made like the powerpuff girls but inside of chemical x, it was chemical NERDINESS

such a nerd

also got a huge dose of "cries about jason todd in the middle of the night" in the middle of their creation process

i once started to make a joke post about us but deleted it because i didn't feel it was accurate only for the post to actually come fricking true three days later

probably a meme

most likely wants to become famous by association

get on my level bro, look AT ALL UR PROBLEMS

their username is spacejasontodd, which implies shiro, but their icon has only ever been jason todd, damian wayne and lance in the eight to nine months that i've known them (petition "change ollie's icon to shiro from voltron so their damn username is accurate 2k17" is now in motion)

abandoned me, their husband who lives six hours behind them, to go to sleep. what kind of disloyalty? smh

[my-hand-in-your-pocket]

💭 What does the mun typically dream about? ⏰ What is the mun’s ideal evening spent alone?

⏰ What is the mun’s ideal evening spent alone?

my ideal evening consists of me having a tall can of cold xing tea, perhaps some snacks, and im doing art - and ideally the art is turning out well. my friends are happy and having fun, my partner is having a good day too.

alternate ideal evening: cuddled up with my partner after dinner, watching star trek uwu

💭 What does the mun typically dream about?

oddly enough, action-adventure type dreams!! my dreams are surprisingly sequential. instead of a bunch of random, weird things happening, my dreams unfold like a story that has characters with purpose. there’s a distinct beginning and middle, though rarely (if ever) an end.

an example of just such a dream will be below the cut, for length.

so this dream is a political thriller involving assassinations, kidnapping, post-apocalyptic earth, etc.. the characters in this dream are myself, @rezragnarok mun, @drexodthegunslinger mun, and @razorbeard mun. other characters include a sleazy politician, a good guy politician, a crime lord, etc.

so the dream begins during a political election in the united states. the candidates are sleazy politician and good guy politician. the numbers are against the sleaze, which is great, because the good guy politician - who hired me and rez mun as his assistants - has plans to save america (the REAL way, not the bullshit MAGA way). good guy politician is in the lead.

what we don’t know is that sleaze is also an actiony super-spy. one day while me, rezmun and good guy are riding around in his private limo, sleaze - in disguise - comes out of nowhere and rams our car off the road with so much force that all three of us are flung out the windows. sleaze pulls out his shotgun and kills good guy politician right away. i get up to fight but he blows a big hole through me.

but see, the dream doesn’t end when i die. i follow him like a cinematic camera, right?

rezmun takes off running. she saw right through the sleaze’s disguise and she’s going to make a break for washington d.c. to report him. she manages to get away and books a flight to the capital.

but sleaze isn’t far behind. he steals a fucking plane and flies after her, shooting at her jet’s wings and sending the plane down. everyone jumps out with parachutes, as does sleaze. he drifts down to rezmun and grabs her, waits until they’re falling at lower altitude and pops their chutes. when they land, he kidnaps rezmun and imprisons her at an unknown safe house.

but not before rezmun sent a message to drexmun, who is in the country with his boss who works for MI-5. in the event of her capture, she knew drexmun would let his boss know right away, and the right people in power can take sleaze down. but sleaze finds out about this and makes a beeline for washington d.c., where drexmun and the mi-5 executive are visiting.

drexmun warns his boss, who goes to a private office and begin reaching out to the right people. but before anyone can make the report, sleaze - who’s right out side in the bushes, with a grenade launcher - fires a projectile into the room and blows it up, killing the executive. drexmun, who’s in the hallway and unaffected by the blast, realizes that everything is now in his hands and he books it for the garage. he intends to grab an armored suv so he can drive to the FBI hq and put a report in.

however, sleaze catches him in the hall and shoots. drexmun pulls out his glock and shoots back, and a raging gun battle ensues. they tear the goddamn place apart. sleaze is putting holes in the wall with his shotgun, drexmun peppering doors and walls with bulletholes while they duck behind obstacles and weave around the interior of this building. finally, sleaze catches drexmun and kills him. the fbi and mi-5 never learn that the sleaze was behind the whole fiasco, and he wins the election.

literally the day after sleaze wins the election, the world ends and transforms into the fallout wasteland because he’s so fucking evil xD

rezmun is still imprisoned at the secret safe house, and sleaze learns that she knows the secret to re-terraforming earth. he intends to use her to restore the world to working order and rule it as supreme leader for saving the earth. but when he gets to the safe house, he finds it was broken into and rezmun is gone!! infuriated, he checks the security logs and finds out that a crime lord broke in and abducted her.

sleaze tracks them both down to a trash dump city, where their trail ends. he starts asking around, paying $ here, twisting an arm there, until someone agrees to set up a meeting with him to reveal the location of the crimelord. he goes to the meeting and this criminal is there to make the deal, and the criminal is protected by a hitman/bodyguard - who is razormun! they start talking, and suddenly the criminal gives a signal to razormun, who draws his gun and shoots the sleaze in the gut.

sleaze rolls off to the side and draws his weapon. he slaughters the criminal right away, but razormun is on his ass. another gun battle opens up and bystanders are running around screaming. for a while it looks like razormun is winning, he is just kicking this guy’s ass up and down the block. but sleaze gets the drop on him and finally kills him with a garrote wire.

he takes razormun’s cell phone out and finds a text from the crime lord. using the text, he triangulates the crime lord’s location, travels there, and captures him. sleaze takes him to a nasty dive run by an angry chinese woman. apparently she’s done business with him before: instead of renting him a room for $100 a night, she will rent to him for $100 a minute because he always wrecks the place. he just shoves her away and locks himself in the room with the crime lord. ties him to a chair and beats on him for a while to soften him up and get some answers.

im trying to remember what happens at this point. the crime lord squeals and says that he’s too late, rezmun is already on her way to terraform the earth and save the planet. he wriggles free from his bindings and texts rezmun with “i’m sorry” and “RUN”.

the sleaze kills the crime lord and gets all his stuff together. he runs out the door, in pursuit of rezmun. the dream ends.

yeah my dreams are pretty much like this, with all kinds of crazy shit happening. i actually rarely have mild dreams that i can remember, i get wild ones with shooting, chases, etc.

maybe i should make comics out of these xD

[insecurities-ofthe-secure]

Alright I’m going to get this down before I lose the last vestiges of m anger to tiredness. I’m sure it will come back after this post/as I’m talking to Evan about it but still. I was seething about it in the car for long enough I should really write it down.

MY UNCLE IS A FUCKING CONDESCENDING ASSHOLE. LIKE HOLY SHIT. AND HE’S BEEN MY FAVORITE UNCLE FOR A LONG TIME TOO BUT WE’VE BEEN DRIFTING BECAUSE HE’S NOT VERY OBVIOUSLY TOTALLY FUCKING OBVIOUSLY HOMOPHOBIC BUT TODAY WAS JUST A FUCKING NIGHTMARE HOLY SHIT.

Alright, to begin, my thesis has been the worst experience of my life. It has just been terrible. Every post here for the past 5 months is evidence of that. I’ve been a mess. So we’re at the family gathering and I don’t want to lie to my uncle and he asked me if I was happy with how school was going so I said, “It’s alright” so he probes further because he loves me and wants me to do my best and wants me to be happy blah blah. So I tell him my thesis has been difficult. He asks what’s difficult about it. I say I don’t know. And he starts lecturing me about how I need to try harder. And middle of his fucking speech, he tells me that he knows that he doesn’t know my position, only I know that and he acknowledges that only I know when I’ve put full effort into something and he kept telling me to try harder and do more and put more effort in because I’m a smart kid and I can figure it out. MEANWHILE, I’M ON THE URGE OF A FUCKING BREAK DOWN BECAUSE I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TRY YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU DON’T KNOW MY POSITION YOU ADMITTED IT YOURSELF SO DON’T GIVE ME SOME FUCKING LECTURE ON SOMETHING I ALREADY KNOW BUT THAT I AM SAYING IS DIFFICULT TO PUT IT FUCKING MILDLY TO AVOID THIS KIND OF CONVERSATION BUT SORRY I GUESS YOU HAD DIFFERENT IDEAS. I COULDN’T EVEN GET A WORD IN EDGE WISE AND EVEN IF I DID, HE HAS THE EMOTIONAL RANGE OF A FUCKING POTATO AND I WOULD HAVE JUST GOTTEN MORE SHIT IF I TRIED TO EXPLAIN ANY OF IT. So that was near break down #1 because I still can’t talk about my thesis without needing to cry unless we’re doing the 30 second version of, “my thesis is literally killing me so I’m dropping it.”

So I walked away from that. Avoided him for the rest of the night. Until I’m trying to teach my aunt some theory about piano because she wants to learn and was eager about it and her kids won’t even give her the fucking time of day. AND UP COMES UNCLE ASSHOLE. SITS RIGHT DOWN NEXT TO THE PIANO AND STARTS TALKING SHIT ABOUT HOW IM ONLY 21 AND DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AND I ONLY PLAY EASY ICE CREAM CHANGE SONGS. ONLY IT WAS WORSE THAN THAT BECAUSE THEN, WHEN I’M TRYING TO SHOW OFF HOW CHORD INVERSIONS ARE USEFUL BY PLAYING IMAGINE BY JOHN LENNON (chord inversions are when you play the chord with a different note on the bottom to achieve different effects. Imagine is more or less based on this concept. Amazing song. Anyway. It turned into an impromptu sing-a-long which is fine, my other uncle was being good natured about my constant fuck ups because I haven’t played the song in forever) AND MY FUCKING UNCLE KEEPS GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT NOT GETTING THE RIGHT NOTES BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS AND HE JUST KEPT GOING “JUST PLAY X NOTES” BUT MY ISSUE WASN’T WITH THOSE NOTES, IT WAS WITH TRYING TO DO ONE OF THE CHORD CHANGES BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO THE CHANGE RIGHT, YOUR FINGERS ARE WHERE THEY NEED TO BE FOR THOSE NOTES AND I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT TO MY UNCLE AND HE’S LIKE “NAH, YOU JUST HAVE TO PLAY IT, YOU HAVE IT MEMORIZED WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL” BUT I MEMORIZE THINGS IN SEQUENCE SO IF I FUCK UP THE SEQUENCE I CAN’T PLAY AND I TRIED TO TELL HIM THIS AND HE DIDN’T GET IT. But eventually he lays off. Let’s me figure it out. We eventually figure it out because no one knows the words anyway.

BUT THEN. Then my cousin comes along who took a couple lessons but really doesn’t play any more. And my uncle tries to get my cousin/me to play Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore because he found the synthesia youtube piano tutorials and was calling it the fucking guitar hero for piano. AND THEN. REDUCES ALL OF MUSIC TO THE BASS NOTES. ALL OF IT. HE SAID THE HARMONIES AND EVERYTHING WERE ALL BULLSHIT AND KEPT HITTING RANDOM FUCKING KEYS FOR CHORDS TO SAY ONLY THE CHORDS MATTER BUT THE VIDEO HE HAD UP DIDN’T HAVE THE CHORDS. JUST THE BASS NOTES. AND HE WAS ALSO SO FUCKING PUT OFF BY THE FACT THAT I COULDN’T PLAY ALONG WITH THE VIDEO BECAUSE GUESS FUCKING WHAT?!?! THE NOTES MOVE TOO FAST FOR ME TO PLAY, AND THE THING YOU WANT ME TO PLAY ISN’T EVEN FUCKING ON THE SCREEN. EVER. So my cousin starts playing some random bullshit that is causing a lot of noise and is Very WrongTM AND MY UNCLE IS ENCOURAGING HIS FUCKING NOISE. AND GETTING PISSED THAT ALL MUSIC WAS WAS 5 FUCKING NOTES WHEN IT’S NOT AND WHEN I TRY TO PROVE MY POINT TO HIM THAT THE ONLY REASON THESE SONGS ARE SO FUCKING SIMPLE WAS BECAUSE OF THE VERSION HE FUCKING PULLED UP, HE GETS ON MY ASS FOR MAKING IT TOO COMPLICATED FOR MY COUSINS AND COMPLETELY DISMISSING THE ARGUMENT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE. AND I JUST LSKDHGDHFDSO;HIJGD MUSIC IS THE ONE GODDAMN THING IN MY LIFE THAT HAS BEEN STABLE AND KEPT ME STABLE AND FOR YOU TO HAVE ALREADY CAUSED ME TO NEARLY BREAK DOWN AND BE INSENSITIVE AND INCONSIDERATE ABOUT MY THESIS, AND THEN TO FUCKING BERATE MY SKILLS AND TELL ME I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM DOING WHEN YOU BARELY FUCKING KNOW WHAT KEYS ON THE PIANO PLAY WHAT NOTE AND THEN GO ON TO CALL THIS THING THAT IS VERY NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART STUPID?!?!?! FUCK YOU TOO. So that was near break down #2. I left the piano shortly afterwards. And the thing its, my aunt who was trying to learn comes along and asks me about it, and I full on say to her, “It’s because everything he (my cousin) is playing is wrong.” Just. Ugh.

And then when I left he had the fucking audacity to “finish strong” and just... just fuck it. Fuck him. Other highlights of the night is that the queer community was made into a joke so I found the other homophobes in my family, that being EVERYONE. As well as some shitty, racist jokes as well so. I have not had a good night.