#im like. paralysed??? all the time at the moment

[selfnss]

// i was gonna write something today like i was gonna write literally anything just Something.... but my meds are changing and im not feeling too hot actually so i just. Didn't write anything at all i guess... getting brain zaps from coming off sertraline and also just not coping well with life atm i guess. sorry for the lack of content i'm just in a very weird place right now and i really don't know how to cope with it tbh

[izzy-b-hands]

I know it's probably just a part of restarting the lamotrigine, but. holy fuck does it have me short on spoons and patience and. Everything mentally today lmao

[nexus-nebulae]

Hate Hate Hate "problematic" culture where everything has to be bad in some way because i see one post with a 14 year old calling something random "problematic" but because i have no context i just get a random panic over whether this thing i thought was totally innocent is actually horrible and now i just live in a state of literal constant anxiety about the things i like

[roosterr]

white flag ✹ epilogue

note: im kinda sad to say, but this will be the final part of this series! im so so grateful for all the love and support for it, this was honestly so fun to write! i hope everyone enjoys and have a wonderful day/night!!!!<3<3<3

pairing: ghost x gn!reader

wc: 1.7k

no use of y/n

reader's callsign is 'stingray'

summary: your night in date with simon :)

warnings: domesticity, so much fluff, soap and gaz are wingmen again, tiny bit of light angst

ao3

【prev】

of all the things in this world that could be considered intimidating, flowers were the last thing simon would put on that list; but the brightly coloured flora seemed to have a paralysing effect on him as he stands in the tiny flower shop.

with a quiet, defeated groan to himself, he dials johnny's number and presses his phone to his ear.

"what flowers am i supposed to buy?" he blurts no sooner than soap picks up, not even bothering to greet him in his haste.

"hello to you too?" johnny mumbles, his confusion evident. a moment passes before he registers what simon asked, "oh! wait," he laughs, his voice getting further away as he lowers his phone to call out, "gaz, get out here! lt.'s buyin' sting flowers!"

simon considers hanging up then and there, but he's severely out of his depth and unfortunately, soap and gaz are his only hope.

"oh i see, he needs an expert opinion, does he?" kyle's teasing gets louder as he approaches soap, and he can hear the smile in both the sergeants' voices.

really, simon should've known they wouldn't let him off easy.

"christ alive…" he keeps his voice as low as possible, pinching the bridge of his nose in the corner of the small shop. "just help me, you pillock." the cashier has been staring at him since he walked in, and honestly, he doesn't blame them; a giant man in a mask isn't exactly the regular clientele for a florist.

"uh, probably their favourite?" soap suggests, the sound of gaz's muffled chuckling just about audible in the background.

"they don't have 'em." simon replies, his eyes darting over the vibrant display one last time in the hopes that the answer would somehow appear.

"nah, you want roses, mate." gaz interjects, and he hears soap make an agreeing noise.

simon hums. "aren't they too… cliché?" he asks, stepping over to the large display of rose bouquets. it's the classic choice, he's aware of that much, but whether or not you'd prefer something more unique was weighing on his mind. this was something he never expected to have to worry about.

"no! they're romantic," gaz insists, his amusement still very evident in his voice, "trust me mate, sting'll love them."

simon contemplates his point for a moment, staring at the deep red petals and trying to imagine the look on your face if he gave them to you. you'd been happy with a handful of squashed flowers he'd stolen from the flowerbeds on base, so he doubted you'd turn your nose up at them. it doesn't take him long to make a decision.

"alright, cheers." he mutters, grabbing a lively looking bouquet of a dozen from the display and making his way over to the cashier – who was quickly trying to pretend they hadn't been staring.

"you'll need to give us a debrief–" soap begins, but he's cut off by simon hanging up and shoving his phone back in his pocket. he gets the feeling he won't be hearing the end of this for quite some time.

✹✹✹

it's only when he's standing outside the door to your room that the nerves finally start to set in. he can't help but feel like an idiot, fidgeting on the spot about to knock on your door like a lovestruck teenager, almost crushing the stems of the roses with his iron grip.

he knocks twice, before he has the chance to change his mind and back out. not even a second later, you're pulling the door open and regarding him with that warm look that has his palms sweating.

you're wearing casual clothes, and so is he, as per the agreement you made to keep this 'date' simple. it doesn't matter what you're wearing though; he's seen you covered head to toe in blood, sweat, mud, and whatever else, and you still manage to be utterly breathtaking in every way.

with a nervous cough, simon holds out the rose bouquet to you, hoping you don't notice the way his hands are shaking.

"wha…" you blink in surprise at the flowers, taking them from him and admiring them with a tiny smile. "you bought these, right? didn't just rip 'em out of someone's garden?" you raise a teasing eyebrow at him, your smile turning more playful.

"yes, i bought them." he grumbles lightheartedly, a smile of his own forming under his balaclava. the way you effortlessly diffuse the tension has his anxieties melting away.

"thank you." you breathe, softly caressing the vermillion petals. "they're lovely, i love them."

simon let's out a quiet sigh of relief at your affirmation. "good; cost me a tenner, they did."

the laugh you let out is like music to his ears. "well, i'm sorry to bankrupt you." you grin, turning back into your room and carefully putting the bouquet in the vase on the mantle. after making sure the arrangement looks nice, you come to stand in front of him again.

simon's not sure how to continue, the nerves from earlier resurfacing as the conversation fades. the way you're watching him expectantly, he feels the urge to take you by the hand – and as if you read his his mind, you hold it out for him. he places his hand in yours, squeezing gently and leading you the short distance to the kitchen.

he'd set the table earlier, having found an only slightly discoloured tablecloth buried in the back of the cupboards. it's a little sad, but it was the best he could come up with.

"wow," you tease, the same playful smile as before on your lips as you meet his eyes, "so fancy."

he snorts, ushering you over to your chair and pulling out for you. "only the best for your majesty." he preens at your happiness when you laugh again, glad for the mask covering what he's sure is an obvious blush.

he occupies himself by grabbing the two plates he'd finished preparing a minute ago, just before he'd met you at your door.

"i made spag bol." simon mutters as he sets them down on the table. he keeps an eye on your expression as he takes his seat opposite you, anticipation of whatever response you may have.

"fine by me," you say, an easy smile lifting your features. "it's almost the perfect candlelit dinner, all we're missing is the candle."

simon blinks. "you don't like candles." he replies, a hint of confusion in his gaze when he meets your eye.

"no," you smile fondly, looking down at your plate. "i don't."

a comfortable silence falls over the room as you both start to eat. the warmth and normality of it all makes simon’s heart swell with affection. he's happy, content, being here with you, even doing something as monotonous as eating dinner. you make it worth enjoying.

"how is it?" he asks once you've both finished, once again waiting apprehensively for your reaction.

"it's great," you give him a lopsided smile, resting your chin on your hand as you look at him. "thanks for cooking."

simon quirks an eyebrow at you. "you don't have to lie." he mutters, feeling the tips of his ears burn under your intense gaze.

"okay, well, don't quit your day job." you chuckle, standing up and making your way over to the sink with your plate in your hands.

he huffs a small laugh, and joins you at the sink with his own plate. "you're crushin' my dreams here."

"sorry, chef." you grin and gesture to the washing up in the sink. "you wash, i'll dry?"

"if your majesty insists."

you turn on the radio for some quiet background noise, and the two of you start cleaning up in tandem. it's nice, how you can work together so seamlessly with no need for words. he's struck again by the thought that if he were alone this would be a chore, but with you beside him, he finds such a tedious job surprisingly pleasant.

simon hands the last dish to you, and as you take it your fingers brush against his hand. the way he flinches away from your touch is unconscious, and when he looks over to you he expects you to pity him, or be offended by his action – but your face holds neither of those things.

you're just drying the dish he handed you, the same content expression on your face that had been there all night, as if you didn't even notice.

"sorry." he mumbles, his gaze falling from your face to your hands as you work.

simon loves you. he shouldn't be afraid of your touch. he wants to touch you, and for you to touch him. he doesn't know why he reacted like that.

"don't be." you utter, soft and compassionate, and his heart feels like it's about to burst out of his chest. for the third time that night, he's hit full force with how wonderful you are.

there's no judgement, no probing questions, nothing. you understood him, even though you had no idea why he acts this way.

you turn away, your back to him as you store the dishes in the cabinets. you hadn't been looking at him before, but now he was sure you couldn't see him, he feels his throat constrict with the overwhelming urge to burst into tears.

simon takes your free hand and you pause, still facing away as you wait for his next move.

he takes a small step closer, minimising the space between you, and rests his forehead against the back of your head. with his eyes screwed shut, he takes a deep breath and inhales the familiar scent of you. his grip on your hand tightens slightly.

you lean back into him, a quiet sigh escaping you as you squeeze his hand in return. neither of you say a word, but you don't have to. he feels how you love him in the way you never expect more from him than he can give.

it's the most peace he's felt in years.

taglist p1: @sofasoap , @siilvan , @mockerycrow , @i-love-ghost , @projectdreamwalker , @achelois-is-here , @adamsloverboy , @thatchickwiththecamera , @chickensandwich69 , @batmanunicorns523 , @tiny-kasper , @dezibou , @pampeop , @cumbermovels , @goth-boi-atlas , @berryjuicyy , @guiltgoreglory , @postmodernrevolutionist , @untoldshortsofthefandoms , @delilah-grimes , @sunflowerqueen1416 , @luvssemma , @sunshiinegaz , @imonmykneessir , @kenz-ee , @eistro-phobia , @rzmarona , @alanalanalanalanalanna , @cathnoneofyourbusiness ,

@madsothree , @geisterfvhrer , @lazyninjaphilosopher , @aliilium , @koi-feish , @chaoticgoblindev , @clear-your-mind-and-dream , @thrivig-n-jiving , @lesterous , @glitterypirateduck , @slu77ym4nw415ts , @livelaugh-light , @trulylavendedarling , @stateofcatatonia , @rivalriotrenegade , @yoichiislovie , @nirvanaaaonly , @ameliaamareeee , @batmanunicorns523 , @sapientiia , @thesecretwriter , @susanmukami , @ryze1113 , @stars-andfreckles , @spya1 , @tunaa-luvchrm , @tzutology

[relocatedheads]

I wanna do it again

Summary: An aftercare session after Eddie makes reader cum for the first time Pairing: Eddie Munson X Fem!Reader Trigger Warnings: gut wrenching fluff boyyyss!!! Content Warnings: Swearing / Mention of previous smut / hinted to jerking off / handjobs mentioned / zoning out / headspace / semi insecure Eddie.. if u squint / swearing (?) 

SHES NOT PROFF READ IM SORRY  I got too excited to post

ohmy- an eddie masterlist!!

----- Part 1: a tradition is a tradition ----- ----- can be read as a stand alone ------ 

Eddie had put you in a spacey giggly state after drawing an earth shattering orgasm out of you. The boy kept himself knelt behind you, head on your shoulder and you were knelt in between his legs, head dancing in your chest. The two of you sat in a comfortable silence - the only noises being your heavy breaths, the odd kiss from Eddie and a set of breathily laughs. 

A handful of minutes passed before either of you moved. With a loving set of taps to your thighs, the long haired boy rolled himself out from behind you, “I’ll be back in a moment, sweetheart.” his voice was just above a whisper and he walked towards the door.

Eddie had left you feeling like you weren't in the room... or on the same plane of living for that matter. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't focus back into where you were. The familiar posters, mirror, guitar, bedsheets all felt 60ft away, you eyes displayed the items to you in a haze manner. You felt paralysed and unable to blink. 

The boy was gone for an untold amount of time. He’d decided it was best for him to sort himself out privately - he knew in his heart or hearts that you’d maybe not be ready or prepared enough to deal with him in that way after he'd just melted your brain. 

While in the bathroom, he couldn’t stop replying your sounds and responses in his head: your whimpers, gasps, they way your body pulled you both down absentmindedly, your hips rubbing on him - everything. He felt like he was 14 against and just discovering the world of mature magazines. It all felt a little too perfect. 

“Hey Sweet,” He bounced back into the room, after grabbed two glasses of water, “You okay?” Putting the waters down, he slowly walked over to the bed, finding you in the same position he’d left you. Eddie sat down in front of you, “Hey.”

He stretched out to put a hand on your own: still sat up on our shines, t-shirt pooled between your thighs, hands lazily resting in your top, eyes staring off. You had a blissful expression hidden behind the more obvious ‘nothing’ look. Eddie had read about some people reacting like this but he’d never had the pleasure of experiencing it. 

He rubbed the backs of your hands with his thumb, “You still with me, pet?” He’d brought a faint giggle out of you, your head dipping between your shoulders, “Hey” He said in a more merry, welcoming tone, extending the word slightly. 

You rolled your head back up to look at him, his face was decorated with a simple smile, looking at you like you’d hung the moon. “God you’re so pretty,” He breathed his thought. 

You felt yourself zoning back out again - the world becoming haze again and your eyes rolling shut. “C’mon, open your eyes for me.” You fought the foreign tiredness that was climbing around you. Opening your eyes, you were meet with Eddie now laying on his side looking up to you. “You’re so spaced out-” His hand went up to rub your arm.

“Hmm” You pleasantly smiled, sighing a laugh. The boy let himself look all over you, his imagination flashing moment of the previous hour at him. He felt oddly proud of himself that he’d managed to get you in this state. He, by no means, wasn't an experienced man in the bedroom but he still had a handful of this he was still a virgin to; seeing someone fully hazy because of an activity so common was definitely one. 

He racked his eyes down to your legs, thinking surely your knees must be hurting from being folded for so long, down to your ankles that too must’ve been in some level of uncomfortablilty and back up to the t-shirt you were wearing: one of his old but gold band t-shirts. Seeing you in his clothing would forever leave him feeling proud and accomplished that you were his. 

Upon moving to sit back up, he noticed your eyes following him a bit more closely, “What’s going on in that pretty mind of yours?” He leant over and planted a quick kiss to your head. 

“You-” You were mumbling, “You dont- your- isnt-”

“Honey, you gotta speak up a little, yeah?”

You nodded, You eyes looking down to his jeans, “Your- um- you aint-” Even though u still weren’t in the room, you could feel your thoughts making you embarrassed.

“Don’t get shy on me now, c’mon you know there's no judgement here.” He laughed his gorgeous boyish laugh and mixed his words with calmness and endearment. 

You shook your head, trying to clear the fog, you pointed to his crotch lazily. “Ohh” The penny dropped, he threw his back and exhales a laugh, “I get you know.” his hand was back on your knee, one hanging by his hip, “I went and took care of myself.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah- did you not realise I left?” He was sat up a little more, shock and curiosity swimming around him, you shook your head again. “No fucking way-” He paused, a giant cocky Eddie smile all over his face, “No way, I,  Eddie ‘the fear’ Munson, made Y/N Y/L/N go into a headspace over a hand job!-” His tone was full of laughs, shock, cockiness, and fond. 

“Stopp!-” You slurred, leaning sloppily forward to put a hand over his mouth.

He chuckled, wrapping you up so you fell into his chest, “What? Can a man not admit his handy work?” You were in a small fit of giggles, “God you sure know how make me feel confident- I've always wanted to do that- Jesus!” He kissed your hair earnestly. 

The two of you falling back on to the bed so you were at the foot of it laying sideways mixed up into each others bodies. “Just- don't say you gave me a handjob out loud-” You words were starting to form better and your eyes felt less heavy.

“But I did give you a handjob- a bloody good one at that!” He chuckled.

“Eddie!-” You playfully swatted his arm, causing him to squeeze you tighter.

He rolled you both over so you were under him, he’d situated himself between your legs, “Please let me do that to you again!” He begged into your neck giving you love filled quick kisses. 

“You sound like a child-” You giggled, hands playing with the curls on his head.

“Did you enjoy it though?” His tone turns more serious, you quintet at him, “I don’t want to get lose in my day dream. I wanna know I've read the room right. Like- I don’t wanna think you fazing out was a good thing when I'd actually traumatised you or something-”

“You’re rambling.” You delivered rather bluntly, an awkward blush growing on the boys face, “Of course I liked it!” You cupped his checks, pulling him into a kiss.

He kissed back, forgetting himself, speaking at he kissed you “Ohmygod thank god!”

“I wanna do that again!” 

“Yeah?” You nodded enthusiastically. “We can try tomorrow. You need some sleep, I think-” He pocked your nose, causing a squint and small head chase from you. His hand rolled around to cup your jaw, “You did so good.” His whispered, “I can't wait to get you moaning and begging again- gonna make you forget how to talk-” The sight of your cheeks blushing, eyes widening and small smile was all enough for Eddie to laugh menacingly at you, “But not tonight though.”

Eddie hoisted himself up off you, walking around the bed, throwing off his shirt and jeans as he got to his side of the bed. He laid down without a word and opened his arms for you: both of you conversing in silence. 

Once snuggled comfortably into the side of him: you head on his chest, legs knotted together, one of his hand idols running down your back. “I love you.” you’d hummed into him.

“I think I love you more-” 

“Absolutely not-” you lifted your head up to look at him.

“Hmm” He squinted at you, “As much as I could argue this to you - and win - I'm not going to because we’d be here for hours and you need your sleep.” His free hands playing with you hair that fell over your shoulder.

“I guess-” you tucked yourself back into him, “Still love you though.”

[xanuchi]

Hi! If u dont mind can u write the pomefiore trio with an s/o who has a demonic sneeze idk if this made sense but i thought it would be funny 😭😭

LMAOA TIME FOR ANOTHER ONE YOU LIL GREMLINS 🔫🔫🔥🔥 I CNAT I JUST IMAGINED THIS IN MY HEAD TOO SOFJEKFK&/a/&:@/&;

i have so many ideas for thisJkksskkdd !1!:&2@:& (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)!!! but ty for requesting i had fun with this, darling <3 !!

masterlist

characters included ; vil, rook, epel 🌹🏹🍎

vil schoenheit ; 🌹

First of all, what the fuck— and second of all.

How the fuck???

Vil was causally doing his makeup when he was about to pick up his brush to blend the contour. However when reaching for the lipstick, you sneezed like a fucking elephant.

HE FLINCHED BACK SO HARD HIS LIPSTICK TRACKED OFF HIS LIPS, SMEARING OFF THE EDGE AND NOW HE LOOKS LIKE A CLOWN. 🤡🤡🤡

He turns around so immediately, almost in tears as he felt his heart fucking drop from how colossal the sneeze was and how demonic it sounded

IT WAS DEAD SILENT TOO-

Vil thought a demon had somewhat possessed you and would probably fuckin' call Pope Francis to exorcise your soul iN thE naMe of thE fATheR, sOn aNd the hOLy fuCkIng spiRIT—

Nonetheless he laughs afterwards, but frowns at how he has to start all over again over the bottom half of his face.

Probably would grab the lipstick and ruin your face with it. Though, you both end up laughing, and it's very wholesome at the end of the day.

You owe him the next few weeks ahead for that satanic response of a sneeze. also for ruining his makeup-

rook hunt ; 🏹

Honestly, this man wouldn't fucking flinch.

He's not scared of anything, and if anything beyond doubt, you should be scared of him.

Rook looks at you the moment you let out the most satanic shit of a sneeze, ever known to mankind.

......

"Non non, let me show you how it's done."

🧍 ...

RUN FUCKIGNG RUGKRKCJ RUN BITCH— 🏃🏃💨💨💨💨

Proceeds to sneeze so fuckin loudly that you become paralysed with your eardrums bursting in the process, the glass panes of Pomefiore have shattered and wildlife has scattered. Assert your dominance, dear Rook.

epel felmier ; 🍎

Laying on the grass, wind softly blowing strands of hair outside Pomefiore's dorm.

Apple trees bloom beautifully above you both. Everything seemed so serene and peaceful.. and Epel loved these moments between you two. It was always perfect, where for once he'd not have Vil nagging and constantly having him at his very edge, every single day about perfecting his stance, looks, voice and everything else.

He falls asleep..

*Insert the most FUCKING LOUDEST SNEEZE HE HAS EVER HEARD, HEART DROPPED DEAD AND THERE ARE AIR RAID SIRENS 🚨🚨🚨‼️‼️EQUIVALENT TO YOUR SNEEZE, DAD SNEEZES, ELEPHANT NOISES. 🐘🐘🐘💨 ALL OF THE ABOVE.*

shawty, you good?

He ends up punching the fuck out of the air and suddenly his fist reached your nose.

"ARGH;; W-WHO THE HELL— oh.."

HE PANICS SO MUCH&;@@(@4@(@;&

"O-Oh my gosh- (Name), I'm so sorry- What the hell was that noise? You know what, forget it— Let's go to the infirmary. Oh god i'm so sorry, i'm so sorr—"

He is mumbling apologies as he reached for the bandages and tries to fix your broken nose bUT THERES MORE BLOOddd JSJDJWKDJ

He panics more.

Suddenly realises that cry of satan was your sneeze.

He doesn't know whether to laugh- or cry because you have a manlier sneeze than he does- And the babey sneezes like a kitten.

Honey, why do you do this to him—?

heldpej I couldn't stop cackling at this imagining circus vil bye IM GONE IM ASCENDING 🏃💨💨

[wellthebardsdead]

Follow up from my last post here

———

Henwen: *body limp and weak after being turned, by some miracle still wide awake and whimpering as the vampire lord strips him of his armour with ease, never letting him go, never looking away from him*

Harkon: Now now little finch, don’t look so afraid. This is a remarkable gift I’ve given you. The power I’ve imbued you with is just as precious and rare as you… *strokes his face and carefully prods open his lips to see the dainty fangs slowly growing in* hm. Just long enough for your first feed I think-

Henwen: *tries to speak but can only whine loudly, every muscle in his body paralysed by the vampires bite*

Harkon: Hush now, There’s no need to throw a tantrum, I won’t make you hunt for your first meal… *walks through an arch and into a spacious room with a large canopy bed, more suited to an upper class imperial household than a castle in skyrim* I’ll be your first feed.

Henwen: *manages to shake his head ever so slightly, practically naked in his arms and only just covered by his long silky white hair, body immobile, and terrified out of his mind*

Harkon: *lays him down on the velvet blankets and draws a knife from his belt, delighting in the look of fear it inspires in his little captive snow elf* shhh, I won’t use it on you, if you behave that is… *holds out his hand slicing his fingers and placing them in henwens mouth* Drink.

Henwen: *eyes wide, trying to pull away, only to fall into a trance as his tongue tastes it. Pupils blowing out wide until his eyes are almost completely dark, cheeks and lips flushing pink as a fever like hunger fills him* mmphh- *whines and starts to lap and drink the offering*

Harkon: *smiles watching him, red eyes glowing in the darkened cobweb filled room* that’s it… nice and easy. Soon you’ll be able to fetch your own, but for now, I’m all you need…

*The next morning*

Henwen: *wakes slowly, head aching and mouth dry, body feeling so cold and unnatural* hmnnn?… *looks down at himself to see the rather revealing robe he was left dressed in by the vampire lord* … *looks around the room to see signs of neglect, like this was once the marital chamber now left forgotten* … Kaidan- Taliesin- My friends! *gets up and immediately falls to the floor, body made for the sunlight, not the darkness of of cold harbour* ughh… *shakily pulls himself up using the bed posts and hurries to the curtains opening them and immediately hissing in agony as Auriels light burns him* AAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!

Harkon: *suddenly grabs him from behind pulling him away and closing the curtains* My finch! Are you alright?

Henwen: *clawing at his face* IM BLIND! IM BLIND! IT HURTS-

Harkon: *grabs his hands and covers his eyes with his hands* shh, you’re not blind… give it a moment… *moves his hand*

Henwen: *blinks slightly and looks up at him so timidly* I- what?… why has Auriel forsaken me to this prison?…

Harkon: *smiles stroking his face* Auriel never cared for the beautiful things he made. He let your people die, let them suffer, and now he punishes you for something that wasn’t your fault yet again… *scoops him up with ease* He never cared for you, but I do, that’s why I gave you my gift…

Henwen: *so used to playing the ditsy prince damsel in distress act to get what he wants. Now terrified because he realises he really is the damsel in distress this time* p-please look after me?… *starts tearing up trying desperately to hold back a panic attack*

Harkon: *grins showing large, sharp teeth* Oh don’t worry my darling, I will… *kisses his hand*

Henwen: *only now just noticing the ring on his finger* I’m- im going to be sick-

*Meanwhile*

Kaidan: *on his horse riding back to fort dawnguard* Okay so we can’t scale the castle. That’s abundantly clear now.

Taliesin: *sitting behind Kaidan on the horse, skin dry and hair destroyed with saltwater waves after falling into the sea attempting to scale the castle and nearly drowning* Thank you for noticing. *huffs*

Lucien: well what do we do?!

Kaidan: we go back to fort dawnguard for backup. I hate leaving him there but if we go in there as we are now we’re all dead.

Inigo: *can clearly see how heartbroken and angry Kaidan is at himself over this and how he’s trying to hold it in to be the leader they need at the moment* Without wendy here you are in charge. I follow your orders brother. If you think we need backup I am with you.

Kaidan: thank you, brother… *sighs and keeps moving* let’s hurry, I don’t want him to spend a moment longer with those blood suckers.

[elegantcherryblossomsheep]

an open letter to anyone early in a restrictive ed

Dear sufferer

Note that I started this letter with sufferer. You are not succeeding. You are suffering. And I know this, because well, of course there are fantastic feelings associated with having anorexia. Theres the excitement of losing weight, of feeling your body shrink, of feeling in control. But I know that really, deep down, what you’ve started isn’t making you happy.

What do I mean by that? Well honestly, the early days of an ED are such a rush. But it doesn’t take long for the bad things to start popping up. You start to feel isolated, and not only do you feel that way, but you want to feel that way. Because if you’re alone no one can stop you. Because you don’t need friends. You have anorexia, and she’s your friend.

And things only get worse. Believe me. You start to feel intense fear. It’s not control. It’s not discipline. It starts that way, sure, but then it morphs into an uncontrollable terror, where the mere sight of food petrifies you and the thought of eating paralyses you, you shake and struggle at every meal. The control you had over food becomes control food has over you. And this suffering is made even more intense by the fact that deep down, you’re hungry. You want food, it tastes delicious, and it brings a level of mental stimulation nothing can compete with. I really do think I became addicted not only to fearing food, but to eating it while afraid.

And this decline may only take 2 weeks, or a month or two. But the process of building yourself back up again can take years. I’ve been levitating between recovery and relapse for the last 2 years, unable to pick a side, grit my teeth and get to it. That’s the other torture of it. The constant uncertainty about what you want. Because on some level you want to recover. You want to eat with freedom, to make peace with your body. But the eating disorder wants to get louder, stronger, it lures you in with promises. You’ll feel amazing.

But do you? You reach a milestone and for a moment, you’re euphoric. You’re getting thinner, you’re losing weight, you’re strong, powerful, special. Remember that special, we’ll come back to it. But think about the moment after the success. The way you’re instantly thinking of the next goal. Nothing is ever enough. I reached out for help at my goal weight, because I knew right then, I wasn’t satisfied. I could see the slippery slope. Maybe you have a plan: ‘ill eat to maintenance at my goal weight. I’ll have my dream body; I’ll want to show it off!’

Spoiler alert: you won’t. You’ll hide it even more because you’re still not fucking happy with it. And you’ll be afraid that if anyone sees how unwell you look, they’ll force you to eat more. Not only that, you’ll be too cold to wear shorts or crop tops, you’ll be cold all the time. You won’t have the energy to go out in the first place, all you’ll want to do is sleep and scroll and go for inordinately long walks. It’s not a life, the life of an active ED. It’s the most depressing, isolating thing I have ever experienced.

And you tell yourself, that’s ok. When I reach my goal weight if im not happy I’ll  just gain it back.

Like hell you won’t. Either you’ll think ‘Ok, I just have to lose a little more, and then I will be happy’. But you won’t. And eventually if you’re lucky, you’ll turn to recovery at some point. You’ll try to eat more, but you’ll panic. You’ll have nightmares of full plates of food, sitting in front of you, knowing you’ll eat them. The process of eating more, gaining weight… It’s tough. Almost impossible to do alone. So maybe you’ll find yourself in hospital. You’ll be forced to eat 6 meals a day, to face that fear. You want be allowed to exercise, you’ll be even more isolated from your friends and family. You’ll wonder why you ever fell down the slippery slope into a pit of despair that’s so hard to get out of.

Or maybe you won’t… and that’s ok, it makes you strong, you’re still sick. I remember spending the first 6 months of my anorexia feeling like I wasn’t sick enough to recover because I’d never had an admission. To be fair, after my first admission I did commit to recovery for a while, but it didn’t last. My admission didn’t make me sick enough. It didn’t  give me permission to eat. Sure, it made me less sick, but it wasn’t a badge of honour.

And still I didn’t feel sick enough. I started thinking – ‘ok. I need a medical admission and a nasogastric tube’. Here I am, in that very position. I don’t feel sick enough. The tube hurts all the time. I just want to go home

I think an element of it is that my ED, being sick, being in hospital and needing countless admissions… it all made me feel special. I felt noticed, loved and cared for. Maybe I didn’t feel that way enough growing up, so I snatched up the one way I could think of to get attention – making myself sick. However, this isn’t the way I wanted to be seen. To watch my family as they watched me get sick, to see their pain and anxiety and worry, was torture. I feel immense guilt every day for the distress I have put them through over the last 2 years, and to know I make the choice to keep putting them through that.

It's not just family and friendship that it hurts, either. I was in a relationship for 2 years. I lost her, because she couldn’t bear to deal with my ED any more. My antidepressants (for depression sparked by my restriction) killed our sex life and my anorexia made her, with her own ED, more worried and more unwell. I had to let go of someone who made me so happy because I made her so sad.

But there’s an elephant in the room I haven’t mentioned, mainly because I don’t think I’ve internalised it, don’t think I believe it. And that is that at the end of the day, you might die. When I was diagnosed, my heart was struggling. When I was purging, I was disturbing my electrolyte levels. It may all seem like a bit of fun, but at the end of the day, 15% of people with our condition will die at it’s hand. And I don’t want to be one of them. Nor do I want you to be.

I know that recovery helps. I’ve been there. With the nutrition, your brain function comes back. Your relationships get better. Your family calm down and start to trust you again. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s a small price to pay to not only stay alive, but to actually live.

So, I implore you, just think about it. Make a list of everything you value in your life and realise that if you let your ed get worse, you will lose it all.

Good luck.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

Ohhh Rhythm~

How are you today, love?

I've been re-reading. It's Cold Out as I often do (probably too often, lol). And I have a question that's been on my mind for quite some time now.

It wasn’t like you hadn’t caught him looking at you before, you were pretty confident that he’d often look at you–whether it was for instinctual reasons or what you weren’t really sure–but he genuinely looked like a deer in the headlights while he stood there completely paralysed. The worst part was that you weren’t wearing anything particularly revealing, just a crop top–that wasn’t even that short, it barely even exposed your belly–and some leggings.

This part here, I know he was heading into his rut at the latter part of the month. But just... what was he thinking? It honestly seems like he short circuited. Like he really wanted to say 'f it all' and confess everything he was feeling in that moment.

Also, I have a legit question... had he ever accidentally seen her naked? I know sometimes with roommates that it's kind of hard to avoid seeing something that you shouldn't. Lol, and Im honestly curious. Because it seems she hadn't seen him fully nude, but idk with him.

P.s. i was this close to just leaving the 'ask anonymously' off, since im 95% sure you know exactly who i am lol. Anyways, have a good one!

-🔑

hi hi hi, bb! doing alright so far, just sleepy. wbu?

i am not 100% sure about who you might be, but i'll admit i've got a hunch. i could always be mistaken, though ahhaha. if you ever want to come off anon, feel free! if you don't, that's also fine💜💜💜💜

now, i love love love these questions. i'll answer them under the cut!

so, we know Chris' brain malfunctions a bit when he's close to his rut. when he saw our pretty mum there, with her tight leggings and the crop top, several thoughts went through his head at the same time, and almost all of them were from his inner wolf. they went something like:

"ass, ass, ass, ass, round, fat, big, mine, for me... bite it. must bite it, mark it as mine, ass that's no one else's but mine... must rip up bottoms, dive in, get a taste, make mate squirm, satisfy them..."

"big, big thighs, need to touch them, kiss them, mark them, fuck them... thighs, thighs, thighs, thighs, thighs, thighs..."

"soft tummy. squish tummy. tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy, soft tummy perfect for puppies, for my puppies, our puppies..."

"my beautiful, gorgeous, pretty mate, mine, mine, mine, all for me... kiss mate, hold mate, scent mate..."

"mate's leaving den... unsafe... unsafe when mate's womb's almost ripe and fertile... must protect, must scent... mate can't leave without her alpha's scent on her... everyone must know mate's claimed..."

imagine being him, suddenly being hit full force by all these thoughts... i would've short-circuited, too sdkjhfskjfd

i don't think he was thinking much when he went back into his room to get the hoodie. i feel like from his point of view, one second he was standing there, paralysed, and the next he suddenly had his hoodie in his hands and was trying to put it on her.

i also don't think Chris ever saw her naked naked before the events of it's cold out. he might've seen her with like... a towel around her body, or scantily clothed, but not full on naked. if he'd seen just half a tit he would've died, i think lmao. i'm sure he would've made a move right then and there.

[nahalism]

I really struggle to move on and let go of old feelings and honestly the only thing I've found that actually really helps me is redirecting the source of the emotion. Like instead of continuing to be upset with a person, being upset that the situation happened— if that makes sense. It's easier to deconstruct it that way down the road when I'm actually ready to take something from it and leave the emotion behind

<333333

i hear you. honestly, i find myself in a place where im able to do that (i draw or write and am able to get out of the trapped, claustrophobic feeling that not getting over the past brings) but the moment i stop drawing or doing something to metabolise those feelings im a restless wreck. & so im left w the feeling that the things i struggle to accept/get over are things i have to actively address and face to get past, and that anything less is avoidance (which is something ive been very good at and no longer want to be good at). switching my focus is one thing, cause i can do that all the time, but channeling the emotion doesnt feel the same cause it seems to have no end? its not like having too much energy for the day then going for a run that tides you over till you have too much energy again the next day, so run again. its more like a hamster wheel. like feeling rage or sadness and just needing to run forever. and i dont wanna run forever. i also dont wanna watch the pain forever trying to decipher it in some kind of masochistic yet hopeful spiral.

so yeah rn im doing just as u say lol. i find some other outlet because when i look back on how i spend my days its better to 'run' than to b paralysed in the feeling & have nothing to show for how i spent a day in my life. at the same time, running is a response. and i want sovereignty, so there has to be some other way

[lov u for sending this. have a beautiful day]

[snow-and-saltea]

been thinking about some stuff. kinda have a direction of where i want to go, at least in terms of what i want to be able to do. i have a lot of things i want to do but i think it focuses to a point in singularity which is wanting to be resilient and being capable of solving problems. not others, but my own.

some stuff that's been on my mind:

+ being able to be Adult enough that i can help parent my nephew (he's extremely spoiled and my parents - his grandparents - don't know how to handle him other than placating him; they're also very tired and don't have much patience so they want him to stop tantrums immediately which means giving into what he wants)

+ manage anxiety attacks / spikes (get more useful coping skills) as an aside, i feel like its not that my feelings are the issue but the thoughts that come when the feelings arise are so chaotic and vaguely threateningly overwhelming that i cant make a sound judgement solely through my instincts or intuition anymore (when normally thats how i make decisions, and i have a lot of trust in myself when i do so. but i see that its not a useful mode of operation to have all the time)

+ get a sustainable income so i can make my own health decisions without guilt / fear and to pursue hobbies

+ rekindle my passion for writing and creating things. which i actually have been spending a lot of time doing because ive been listening to a lot of videos about d20 seasons and seeing so many cool people make cool stories and characters really inspired me a lot

+ overall i just want to be able to be hopeful without feeling like im just lying to myself. that is, i suppose, what coping is? or at least that's how i cope. lotsa lying to myself that its okay (while thinking that it won't) and everything is fine (while believing its not actually fine). i also rely a lot on hard stances to solidify my thoughts into a straight orderly line, which ends up becoming black and white thinking. and it narrows my vision a lot of the perspective of what is viable possibility that can be good / productive / useful and what am i "buying into" that i hazardously undermine the negative aspects of.

+ i guess i just want to slowly figure out who i am. i think i was in a rush to figure things out that made me cast a wide net of all variables and perspectives that shaped my experience and then putting a magnifying glass under each individual factor, but it made me lose the forest for the trees and it paralysed me because if i look too closely into things, ill realise the weight of it and its not something im equipped to handle right now atm. i think its just something i have to bookmark but not put away, like its something to come back to when im able. i dont have to figure it all out right now, especially when im not able to put things into the right contexts and perspectives yet

+ i want to have more energy for things i like. i left off a lot of things because i didnt have the energy for it bc i was so Afraid of not having enough energy to escape out of bad situations. but i think ill just have to try and trust my body that if im in true danger ill be able to handle it when the time comes.

sits down. thats all i have at the moment

[aestherin]

Hi! Since you want to lucid dream but are scared of sleep paralysis-

First of all, don’t worry lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis are totally separate. (Well maybe not TOTALLY).

Lucid dreaming is when you have a dream but you are aware that you’re dreaming. You can manipulate it by changing the environment etc.

Sleep paralysis is when your body is in a state of paralysis when reaching in the middle of 2-3rd stage of sleep, but you mind is still conscious.

You can open your eyes and move maybe a finger or a toe at max. You will start hallucinating demons, hear whispers, feel something on-top of you etc while being totally paralysed and unable to move.

I have been having sleep paralysis since I was very young and didn’t even know it was a thing. I genuinely thought I was possessed. Somehow to counter that I developed the ability to lucid dream separately.

Sleep paralysis was absolutely terrifying for me because I didn’t know what it even was and never could even ask someone about it. Until I took to the internet to educated myself about it.

That was also when I learnt that I know how to lucid dream and apparently not every-one can control their dream.

Thats when I had the genius idea to combine my lucid dream ability to my sleep paralysis. Now that’s what I do.

Basically, it’s sounds goofy but I have demons chasing after me etc etc and I have give my “dream” self combat abilities or powers to help me. I do realise that none of it’s real but in the heat of the moment I do so anyway because it’s absolutely terrifying. Usually they only last 3-4 minutes but I swear they feeling like hours and always in the end I start panicking about why it hasn’t ended yet!

Anyways, lucid dreaming can be taught, and your chances of triggering a sleep paralysis from it is highly minuscule. I have been practicing it for 10 years now, I definitely recommend you to give it a shot because it’s the coolest thing ever! Start of simple by making it night or day and other small things. If you do find yourself in a sleep paralysis—Close your eyes and ignore any whispers or sounds…

10 years?! that's a long time omg

tbh i actually think i have experienced sleep paralysis once (i think my mind just blocked it off bc it was unpleasant) and i never wanna experience it again it was terrifying😭

but aaaa lucid dreaming sounds so fun!! however i dont often have dreams (which is honestly fine by me since im scared of having nightmares too😭)

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

[jeysbvck]

exile, all too well, call it what you want, haunted, you're not sorry, gold rush, i almost do, the other side of the door, evermore

oh you have chosen some great song choices!!😍

exile - im not your problem anymore, so who am i offending now?

all too well - time won't fly it's like im paralysed by it, i'd like to be my old self again, but im still trying to find it.

call it what you want - and i know i make the same mistake every time, bridges burned, at least i did one thing right.

haunted - something keeps me holding onto nothing

you're not sorry- you had me crawling for you honey, and it never would've gone away, you used to shine so bright but i watched all of it fade.

gold rush - what must it be like to grow up that beautiful? with your hair falling into place like domino's? my mind turns your life into folklore, i can't dare to dream about you anymore.

i almost do - i bet it never, ever occurred to you that i can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

the other side of the door - and i broke down crying, was she worth this mess? after everything in that little black dress, and after everything i must confess, i need you.

evermore - i rewind the tape but all it does is pause, on the very moment all was lost.

send me taylor swift songs & i'll tell you my favourite lyrics!!

[thesecretattic]

My heartbeats u can check with a doc they are fainter than ever I can’t breathe cuz I’ve cried all night and it’s been 48 hrs now I haven’t even eaten anything since yedteday only had tea I had ordered but I didn’t eat I just couldn’t. I tried I can’t answer myself about the ring there’s no answer other than the fact that he’s gone permanently all those girls everyone whom he’s been with or whoever is there all those who were gloating they are so lucky they’ll be GLAD he blocked me. I had written this for tgat Preet who has blocked upto that’s GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ALL idk what their parents have taught them they are not even “STAR KIDS” for all this humiliation and untouchability.

I have seen the quality of ppl they roam with. I’m numb and my pressure is the lowest relying on auto correct my chest is numb too I’m like paralysed I’m dying my pressure is lost I can’t breathe there’s a sound a cracking noise from the electric lines in my room I was telling my mother about it since long but there was no help this is what I was worried about and that day has arrived

Harsh NEVER HELPED ME he was the only one I had no one else in the world I’m dying I have jo place to even lie down for that (dying) I’m in the living room dying and struggling to breathe there will be a short circuit any moment I’m dying here. I had written this an hour ago before I was this critical hear my voice I’m dying my heart is paining a lot I will always love him I was his soulmate I have seen him at his worst even recently whenever I came across him I still loved him good and bad both I know he smokes he wouldn’t do that at 27, his lips are dark now and I still loved him tenderly even his old pic which I shared yesterday BUT NO MATTER how much I say love is blind, NO one ever loved me the way I loved him I was but even responsible for ruining my looks he did that unlike him who keeps smoking that woman whoever he is married to is very lucky I don’t know I’m too numb im claustrophobic im dying I swear this time I cried a lot my mother is torturing me again and she’s not even letting me die in this living room I’m out so she is killing me more Harsh was also responsible Part 1

[krotosis]

alice, ever since i’ve held witness to nothingness, i can’t see life the same way anymore.

thinking seems to have split from it’s roots and now only revolves around pattern-seeking and contrast theories. resilience is honestly my only redeemable trait, but that can easily convert to stubbornness, so whos to say? sin tends to line every choice of mine, its fucking disgusting. you’d think i would’ve learnt my lesson by now. gross sickly slimy incapable child

when i was little, my step-dad would often shoot birds. he’d aim for families, try to take them out in one shot. i’d cry but it didn’t deter him. another dwindling bit of irony, i managed to cry for birds but not for his victims. i was a child, its fine, whatever. it’s honestly stupefying the fact he bought an illegally imported weapon just to fucking kill birds, what a cunt

but it’s fine, it’s all fine.

because nothingness is bliss.

in the mildest way my mind could process the ‘experience’, it was the kindest thing to ever happen and simultaneously not happen to me. it was beautiful, the way my mind remembers something that never occurred is so beautiful. it’s calming, it’s grounding, because it’s true, it’s real. i’d be blessed to stay that way, even if my sore rotting mind becomes incapable of remembering.

i can only wish for similar fates for everyone i care about. Alice, you don’t UNDERSTAND how fucking amazing it is. It’s so fucking beautiful I cant put it into words, and I never tried to, not in-person anyway.

people like my step-father are exactly reasons why nothingness is gorgeous. his actions exist as one, the man who happily made us breakfast in the morning, the first man child me dared to trust after EVERYTHING that happened and then simultaneously being a creepy stalker, abusive murderer if not months later. I knew he was bad, but not that bad, violence is just a part of life, can i really ..?????????? i dont know. i will never justify him. i didn’t care when it was just violence because it bred money and money was what we needed the most

my cat came back today! i wasn’t sure if he was hurt after the recent snow. i was going to go out looking for him, i dont even know what to comment about that. OBVIOUSLY i was gonna look for him but also,, not so obviously you know? maybe i was just telling myself i would do it and then never do? i waited 2 days with barely an afterthought so? how can i be sure that makes me a redeemable person? maybe i was just lying? how should i know т_т i need something to make me feel feelings that are more exact, precise, maybe then ill feel like i used to again

i replayed the arcana today! i nearly cried at the nostalgia, fictional worlds are so picturesque, why is real life so dull and bitter +_+ but i have to keep going !! its the gift !! some gift !! that i will never fully understand!!!!!!! but im meant to keep going anyway !!

relationships in media are so bitter. perfect friendships, lost and found and family and trust, things irl always work out but they never *work out*. theres never some adventure, just grisly grappling with your circumstances; you come out of it “okay, i guess” and that’s the best story you’ll have for decades. the fact theres no after to an end, just continuous days and days and days with days and days and days worth of issues is paralysing. it just doesn’t stop

i wish i could stop time. the closest thing i’d have to that nothingness. if i could, i’d just sleep, finally sleep GOOD sleep for the first time. i want to wake up feeling refreshed, i want to sleep feeling safe, knowing everything is still around me. time doesn’t pass, im free of its constraints. no what where when, sun rising night falling, next day 3am 4am 7, just me and me. nothing but me and warmth of my bed. my whole family is safe, they are safe because everything is incapable of being otherwise. even if being actively attacked, that victim is left to linger in never-fleeting moments, peace and solidity for once. time is cruel, but i don’t want to bore you with overused metaphors so i’m sure you can interpret it yourself.

so pessimistic today

your regretful childhood friend,

they miss you