#im not even gonna deny it i totally sent these to myself

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[stabosins4]

my favorite kind of ally are the ones i've entitled "confused chad".

Like they don't know what's going on but whatever I'm on about with pronouns is totally wicked dude.

No one embodies Confused Chad more than Jayden. Jayden was a boy in my freshman year of high school. I had three classes with him: Bio, Gym, and Math.

Unrelated to Jayden, that years "fad" was for the guys to wear dresses and skirts to school every Tuesday. I don't know why, none of the gay guys did it, yet every single straight man that year participated at least once.

I go to one of those schools which change schedules depending on the day, so on Tuesdays, it just so happened that I had gym first thing. With Jayden.

Gym class was coming to a close, we're all changing out of our gym clothes, I'm trying to hide my boobs in the mens' room, and then a ruckus starts. Common for a mens' room, I ignore it. The ruckus continues, I try to ignore it. As I go to leave the room i see that Jayden has a full ass bubblegum pink ballgown, petticoat after petticoat, i swear he must've had one of those cages that go underneath it was so puffy.

Of course, all the guys around him (also in skirts, but none can compare) are asking how in the hell he got this crazy shit. All Jayden responds with...

is nothing. He shrugs. and leaves.

Now, Jayden is LOUD. Jayden is loud and annoying and loves talking about literally anything. So even the guys with less than half a braincell know something's up.

2nd period comes and goes. Lunch comes and goes, next: Math. I had forgotten at this point, and I've always been one of those kids who gets to class way too early (especially after lunch), so I spend a good 10 minutes settling into class, other students trickle in.

Jayden walks in, my head is down in my desk drawing so I don't notice. That is, I wouldn't have noticed, but also in this class is Christian, Jayden's best friend, but also an avid member of the D&D club, which meets on Mondays, but Monday was a weekend, so he missed eating lunch with Jayden today.

Christian sits on the other side of the room, but he may as well have been screaming directly into my ear when he goes, "What the FUCK are you wearing, Jayden?!"

Jayden looks at him, blinks, looks down at his Bubblegum. Pink. Ballgown. Look's back at his friend and says, straight-faced;

"Nikes."

Which is immediately followed by him kicking his leg out to reveal the most basic black Nikes you could imagine (im not a shoe person, maybe they were fancy, idfk).

Christian's jaw DROPS. And he steps over to Jayden and grabs the edge of the skirt and holds it up, "No. THIS, you idiot!" (not the word he said, I'm not gonna right the real word, you can figure it out on your own)

Jayden nods and shrugs, "It's a trend, haven't you been paying attention, dumbass?"

"It makes you look gay," Christian argues, tossing the skirt back down.

"What if I am gay?"

"WHAT?!"

"What if. I am. gay...? What's so wrong about that, man?"

"Nothing, I-I... You aren't gay!"

"I might be!"

"Jayden, you're straight,"

"Christian. I'm gay."

And, triumphant, Jayden takes his seat.

The day after, in Biology, Jayden's standing next to me in line to get some assignment (no ballgown in sight). His friend (not Christian) leans over and asks, "So...are you gay? No problem if you are, just wanna know..."

Jayden looks this kid in the eye and goes:

"What's gay?"

And I just lose it. I can't hold myself together anymore. I just start laughing. I laugh until I cry. I laugh until I can't breath. I laugh so hard for so long I get sent home for the day.

We're about to start our Junior year, Jayden still goes to this school, guys dont dress in skirts every tuesday anymore. But people still talk about Jayden and his bubblegum pink ballgown. They still ask where he got it from, he always just walks away or changes the subject. Some people say it was all planned, the Christian encounter, "what's gay?", some say I was in on it, and I don't confirm or deny to those who ask. Because really, I don't care.

I don't care what's true. I don't care what Christian thinks of gays. I don't care where Jayden got the dress. I don't care if Jayden ever learned what gay means. Because you know what?

I made it up.

[gogoakechi]

blush kiss cuddle heartbeat romance love sweet thoughtful kind laughter warmth

Blush: What do you do when you have a crush on someone?

i infodump....... and hyperanalyze them and their behaviour.......... and get Hella Anxiety........

Kiss: What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you?

i hate a really bad breakdown during class once so i sat in a stairwell crying for a while, talking to my friend. they ended up calling me up and comforting for like an entire hour, even though it was really late for them. it was very kind....

Cuddle: Which one of your mutuals do you really want to hug right now?

@kermeme​ THIS KID 💚💚💚💚

Heartbeat: What fictional character do you love?

im just gonna pick one that i dont really talk about, which is Master Tigress from kung fu panda. i actually look up to her a lot?? and relate to her. shes the kind of person i want to be when i grow up.

Romance: Perfect date?

GO INTO THE DEEP WOODS ALONG A RIVER AND LOOK FOR COOL ROCKS!!!! OR GO TO A NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM!! ANY MUSEUM TBH IM ALWAYS DOWN TO LEARN!!!!!!! MAYBE HIT UP SOME THRIFT/ANTIQUE SHOPS OR SOMETHIN!! WE COULD HANG OUT DOWNTOWN FOR A WHILE I THINK THATD BE FUN!!!!!! OR S HI T DUDE WE COULD GO TO THE ZOO!!!! NATIONAL PARKS!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA CHECK OUT N A T U R E

someone please take me on a date..............

Love: Are you, or have you been, in love before?

hell yeah im in love ive been in love with a total of 3 people in my life and lmao i need to be more careful with my heart

Sweet: Favorite love song?

Your Rocky Spine by The Great Lake Swimmers is my favourite love song, and one of my favourite songs ever. like, definitely within the top 5

Thoughtful: If you could change your name, what would you call yourself?

if i hadnt picked Johnny, i wouldve gone with “Adroc”. the name symbolizes a lot for me, so i love it greatly. im actually considering making it my middle name when i finally get that name change.

Kind: What Pokemon would you be?

either Ursaring or Lycanroc..........

Laughter: Who can always make you laugh?

THOSE HECKIN MCELROY BOYS (+Nick Robinson, the honorary mcelboy)

Warmth: What is your happy place?

this is going to sound really weird but.......... hospitals.. i love going to hospitals and clinics...... like i dont wanna be a doctor or nurse or anything but ive always found them?? really comforting???? they feel so full of love and compassion..

another happy place would just be anywhere along lake superior.. i know i have a fear of getting wet and rain and bodies of water and shit, but???? i dont know????? sometimes theres nowhere else id rather be than sitting boulders of basalt, staring out at the water........ also they have some really cool forest and rocks the more up north you go...... i still have a bag of rocks from last summer i need to sort out

[jaekaicx]

so ive had this idea for an amphibia fangame for a lil while now-

(LONG post)

its based around the idea that sometime after anne got sent back to earth, she decides to sneak out one night to visit sasha and marcys bedrooms and poke through their stuff. this causes a bunch of memories to come back to anne through flashbacks while she tries to process everything thats happened and her feelings abt their friendship.

i was thinking itd be mostly a visual novel type thing. maybe with a few small choices, but the story would be mostly linear. thered be around 3 main story beats: a prologue bit w/ anne sneaking out of her house, marcys bedroom, and sashas bedroom. also one of the main mechanics would be looking at one of their bedrooms and clicking on random objects of importance and triggering a flashback sequence.

it came from the idea that anne will probably try to just shove all her emotions down and try to ignore her feelings abt true colors and everything that went down then. especially with what we saw in the sneak peek, anne will probably try to hide her emotions and bottle them up, which is obviously not healthy. so eventually shes gonna have to work through her emptional baggage and try to process everything.

i havent thought through EVERYTHING just yet, just some more major plot points and maybe one or two ideas for flashbacks. nothing too solid yet. but heres a bit more detailed runthrough of the plot

summary - prologue

so it would start off with anne at home. she and her mom are talking outside annes room. her moms concerned abt how annes been handling everything that happened in amphibia but anne keeps brushing everything off. her mom tries to get her to open up, but she keeps dismissing her and eventually shuts herself in her room. after taking a bit to cool off and think anne decides that shes gonna take the night to just ride off her emotions and stop repressing them for once. she also makes an impulsive decision to sneak out and check out marcy and sashas rooms.

anne goes to gather her stuff in her room, and just as shes about to climb out the window, sprig walks in to check on her. hes still rly concerned abt his big sis but he knows he cant stop her. he tries to go with anne, but she tells him she needs to do this on her own. so, sprig lets her go and tries to cover for her while shes gone.

so at this point i’ll probably give the player the choice of whose house to visit first. it doesnt rly impact the story or whatever, but i guess it might have a small emotional impact depending on whose house u choose to go to first??

(quick note: after this bit, there arent too many specific details for the plot and stuff like that. its largely just an overall idea of how the plot is gonna go. and even then, there isnt much to it. i didnt think that far ahead yet, which is why there isnt as much refinement yet. so far i just have general ideas for how annes gonna get to the bedrooms, with a couple of vague flashback ideas. just keep that in mind; this whole thing is still being thought over and planned as im typing this out)

summary - sasha

with sasha, annes still rly conflicted abt how she feels abt her. of course shes still rly hurt by being backstabbed by her twice and swordfighting her as many times. but as much as she hates sasha she cant bring herself to fully give up on sash. she hates her guts but deep down shes still willing to give sash another chance.

there may or may not be a small sequence where anne has to sneak into sashas house, but eventually she works her way into sashas room. im not entirely sure abt the details of sashas house n her family yet. im probably gonna wait for info from s3 until i solidify anything, but for now i do know that sashas family has a big house n theyre probably rich.

so anne goes into sashas room and its been left pretty much untouched ever since annes birthday, save for the few times someone came in to dust things off. again, dont rly have all the details for sashas room, but it kind of has a vibe of controlled chaos, with organized clutter and a bit of a touch of a rebellious teen girl. one detail i do want to have is a calendar opened up to the month the trio disappeared, with annes birthday circled and highlighted so much that its impossible to miss.

the calendar itself might include a flashback. im thinking of also having a varsity jacket and some old stuffed animal be different “artifacts” that trigger their own memories. there’ll be a bunch more, but those are the only ideas i have so far fjsbndnd

summary - marcy

ok so i want to be rly mean about marcys segment: this is going off the theory that marcys parents moved away while the trio was in amphibia.

anne doesnt know this yet tho, so shes in for quite a surprise when she turns onto marcys street to find a realtor sign on the front lawn. the clues are all there: an empty driveway, sign on the lawn, an overall empty vibe coming from the house. but it doesnt completely register at first. its not til anne actually comes up close does she notice the sign.

anne tries to deny it, and decides to prove to herself that “no marcys parents wouldnt do this. theyre not that cruel. im just gonna check marcys room myself.” the front doors locked, so she just goes over to marcys window and climbs in.

but its completely empty.

ok not totally empty, but a lot of marcys furniture and stuff is gone, except for a few stray toys and other “junk.” the home guys (idk what theyre called????) are still kind of in the process of cleaning everything out, so theres still some stuff left here and there around the house. but its still way too empty. and its yet another gut punch for anne.

anne searches the rest of the house a bit more, hoping that shes just hallucinating. but no, marcys parents are really gone. she tried to deny it before, but now she has more of an idea of how shitty the wu parents are. so anne decides to just mope around in marcys old room, checking out the stuff their parents left behind.

maybe she finds an old blanket marcy liked when he was rly young. or an old rubiks cube from marcys vast collection. a cnc figurine, some cards, a pride flag, and old diary? a couple of other old toys, an old report card or two, or maybe even some stray clothes. whatever anne finds, its all thats left of marcy, at least in LA.

it really doesnt leave anne in that much of a better emotional position. she already felt conflicted enough about what happened in true colors and what she found out abt marcy. but seeing even a small glimpse of what marcy was dealing with, it just makes her more confused. marcy was such a sweet kid! theres no way they couldve done anything wrong. yet here anne was, betrayed by both of her childhood friends.

only now is anne really taking the time to process the fact that marcy essentially kidnapped her and sasha with the calamity box. he didnt mean to do it, and theres no way they couldve known the box would actually work, but it doesnt completely excuse marcy. his actions still hurt anne and sash, and while they meant the best of intentions, it didnt rly come through that way.

and now marcy was dead. stabbed in the back by the newt king.

and now annes curled up in an empty bedroom, wrapped up in one of marcys old blankets, trying to wrap her head around her feelings about marcy while reminiscing in the past.

summary - extras/epilogue??

i kind of like the idea that anne ends up drifting off in which ever bedroom ended up being the second one she visited. she slowly comes back to consciousness, with her surroundings feeling somewhat familiar, only to wake up in horror bc “OH SHIT I FORGOT TO GO BACK HOME” im not completely sold on the idea tho bc it feels a bit abrupt and like too much of a tone shift?? idk it doesnt feel exactly right

but anyways, im also playing around with the idea of a small epilogue scene with the calamity trio hanging out in annes room, a good amount of time after amphibia ended. dont know what theyre doing in there, but theyre just chilling and feeling a bit nostalgic i guess.

but uh yeah thats pretty much what ive got for the overall idea. it doesnt feel too out of reach, but somethjng like this would definitely be ambitious. i could mayyyybe handle writing out the vn and drawing the character sprites, but i have no idea how to code a vn or draw detailed backgrounds, both of which would be pretty important to this fangame fjsndj. so i might consider having help with this.

THIS ISNT ANY SORT OF PROMISE OR WHATEVER. id rly love to follow through and make this fangame a thing, but im not making any guarantees. i have no idea if i’ll actually follow through, but i would definitely love to.

who knows. maybe in like a couple years this might actually become a thing. but for now i have no idea

[angiethewitch]

What is your opinion on the whole Christiniaty vs. Paganism thing? I consider myself a witch, and I personally feel that if there are some Christians who are peaceful and believe their own stuff, and don’t hate on others for what they believe in, then shouldn’t it be okay for all of us to live amongst each other and believe what they want (that goes for all religions as well)? I’ve gotten into arguments with people about this and they told me that I just supported the shitty Christianity, even though I hate what colonization has done to peoples and cultures, and it just made me feel bad when they said I wasn’t “Pagan/witch enough” because I thought it was okay for Christians to live side by side with the rest of us.

Also, I hope you’re doing well ❤️

hey, sorry I know you sent this a few days ago, as you've probably seen I've been dealing with some shit.

I think the history of Christianity and paganism is long and bloody. my own country has suffered and has been converted to a Christian country after colonisation. however, I don't think these days theyre opposite sides.

it's true that today some Christians are very intolerant of other religions, paganism and witchcraft included. unfortunately, that is just the nature of Christianity. Christians brutalised other religions and stole elements of them. theres no denying that Christianity is an intolerant religion, inherently. its in the bible.

however, religion evolves. druids, just for one example, performed human sacrifices to appease gods. I practice traditional druidry, but that doesn't mean im gonna go yeet a man off a cliff in Anglesey. it is entirely possible for Christians to be fine with other religions. I grew up Christian but my mum was fascinated by witchcraft and paganism elements (fairly sure she was accidentally a witch, but that's another story).

although, by nature, Christianity and other religions are opposing, that doesn't mean Christians haven't evolved to accept other religions, paganism included. my birth mother is Mormon but enjoys me talking about my spiritual practice. there are even Christian witches. God said love thy neighbour, even if that neighbour is a goth who regularly performs rituals.

we can be critical of Christianity, while also not attacking every individual Christian, especially those who aren't bigoted and are totally accepting of other religions. you aren't less of a witch for being fine with Christians. the world is better for diversity and other religions. not hating every Christian you come across doesn't mean you're not a witch. its not an inherent part of being a witch, it's not a requirement. hating Christianity has nothing to do with being a witch.

this is a very nuanced topic so I hope my answer makes sense

[freddiesaysalright]

The Most Dramatic Season Ever - Week 5

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 8.3k 

Tag List:  @psychosupernatural​, @someone-get-a-medic​, @bensrhapsody​, @deakyclicks​, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession​, @minigranger​, @crazyweirdocalledfriday​, @the-moving-finger-writes​, @assembledherethevolunteers​, @rose-writes-prose​, @queenlover05​, @moon-stars-soul​, @danadeacon​, @deacyblues​, @thesundrop​, @cupidben​, @lostlittlenerd​, @delilahmay39​, @timmvrphy​, @queenmylovely​, @loveandbeloved29​, @free-pool-trash​, @fairestkillerqueenofall​, @local-troubled-writer​, @babyalienfairy​, @littlecarowrites​, @allthethingsicant​, @im-an-adult-ish​, @mirkwoodshewolf​, @squishy-gay-astronaut​, @sherlollydramoine​, @butlegendsneverdie​, @dogmom2014​, @rocketrhap917​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: Oh, the drama continues. This chapter is emotional. omg

Warning(s): None!

Night 1  Week 1  Week 2  Week 3  Week 4

Week 5 here we go!!!

“W...what are you doing here?” you stammered, shock keeping you frozen to the spot.

“Can I come in?” he asked. “So we can talk?”

“Yeah, okay,” you agreed, forcing yourself to move at last.

You stepped out of the way and allowed him into your room. You followed him to the couch and he took a seat, but you couldn’t. Now that you were moving, you didn’t want to stop. You began pacing back and forth in front of the coffee table.

“How are you?” he asked.

You stopped in your tracks and faced him. “I’m doing well. What are you doing here?”

“I had to see you,” he said. “I’ve missed you so much and I wanted to tell you before you maybe got swept up in…”

“In what?” you pressed.

“In all this,” he said. “In someone else.”

Jamie Bell was an actor and dancer. While Peter’s season was airing, he had gotten in touch with you via social media. He was in LA, so you went out on a few dates with him. You thought things were going well, and that there was real potential there. But before he returned to England, he broke it off. He didn’t know when he would be coming back to the states, and he didn’t really believe in long distance relationships. A month later, you got the call from Chris Harrison with the offer to be the Bachelorette. Since you still wanted to find your partner, you accepted.

As you looked at Jamie now, those old feelings started to return to you. You were reminded harshly of his charm and all the fun you had together. 

“That’s all you wanted to tell me?” you questioned. “That you missed me?”

Despite the good memories, he had really hurt you. You were skeptical of his being here now.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said. “Ever since I left.”

“Jamie, that was months ago,” you reminded him. “You had plenty of time to contact me before I started this.”

“I didn’t want to stand in your way,” he said. “You know I’ve only ever wanted for you to be happy.”

You frowned. “No, I don’t think I do. If you really wanted me to be happy, you would have given us a shot when we had one. Instead of running away.”

You wanted to add “like a coward” to the end of that, but you held your tongue. He didn’t deserve any harsh words, really, since he had done the right thing if he wasn’t feeling the relationship. You wanted to hear him out.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said. “But at the time, I really wasn’t sure about us. It took being away from you for me to realize that I’d made a huge mistake.”

You took a deep breath and looked away from him, heart aching. 

“How come you didn’t reach out?” you asked.

“Like I said, I didn’t want to get in the way if doing this was what you really wanted,” he told you. “But I heard you were here in London and I just had to see you. And take my chance.”

He stood up and crossed the room to you. He placed a hands on your arms. You remembered his touch as if it were yesterday.

“You can’t deny that we had something great,” he said. “Maybe it’s still there.”

“What would you have me do?” you demanded, wrenching free of him and stepping back. “Leave all of this behind? I’ve made really strong connections. I’m falling in love, Jamie. You want me to just throw it all away?”

“No, that’s not what I want,” he said. “I want you to give me a chance too.”

You blinked, stunned.

“What, you mean come and join the house?” you asked. “With the other guys?”

He nodded. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

You sighed, turned away, and went to the window, looking out at the city, hoping it would bring you some clarity. You liked Jamie, and you missed him too, but the guys who were here meant so much to you. To bring in another person when you were already getting down to the wire would really throw things off.

“I dunno if that’s a good idea,” you said. “This is almost over. Hometowns are next week. I don’t know if I could do this to them and then meet their families.”

You heard him huff behind you, so you turned around again, looking at him expectantly.

“Shouldn’t you follow your own heart?” he said. “This is about you, isn’t it?”

“It is,” you said. “But I also care about these men, and I don’t want to hurt them. Like I said, I’m falling in love. As great a time as we had, I didn’t get there with you before you left.”

“But we have another chance now,” he insisted. “You just have to say yes.”

“I don’t know if I want to,” you replied.

His hopeful expression broke, shifting into hurt. 

“I’m sorry,” you said. “But I can’t see myself getting there with you now. Not when I’m so far along with these guys. I told them when we started I knew my husband was among them. And that’s still true. I know that one of them is my person.”

He inhaled deeply, absorbing this blow. You hated to hurt him. But you weren’t sure about him, and at this point, you needed to be sure of anyone you were going to keep around. That security was in the seven men you still had. 

“I appreciate you taking a shot,” you said. “But I think you were right back then when you left. We should say goodbye.”

“That’s really how you feel?” he asked.

You met his gaze.

“That’s really how I feel,” you said. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

You went to the door, passing him and allowing him to follow you. He stopped you as you reached for the handle.

“Y/N,” he said.

You looked at him.

“I hope you have a wonderful life.”

You smiled. “Thanks, Jamie. You too.”

He hugged you for a brief moment before leaving. You closed the door behind him, feeling like that door was closing on your heart. When you and Jamie dated, you thought you could fall in love with him. But since you met the men on your season now, you realized that Jamie was not it. It was time to move on. 

First, you had to clarify this to the men.

You grabbed your room key and headed out. It made you nervous to confess something like this to them, but you didn’t want them to leave here and start reading about rumors and then doubt you. It would be better to hear exactly what happened, directly from you.

The men’s suite was one floor above yours. Your hands shook a little as you approached the door. Would they really understand? Would  they now doubt your reasons for coming on this journey? You just had to tell them and find out.

You knocked on the door.

Taron answered and was immediately thrilled to see you. His wide smile made you return with one, and he pulled you in for a hug before stepping aside and letting you walk in.

“What’s brought you here?” he asked sweetly.

“Something I wanted to discuss with all of you,” you said. 

The rest of them were already in the sitting area of the suite. You took a seat on the couch between Rami and Joe.

“What’s up, Y/N?” Joe wondered.

“So, someone was just here,” you said. “Someone from my past.”

They all exchanged worried glances as you took another deep breath. Then you launched into the story. You told them how you met Jamie, the extent of the relationship, how it ended, and what he had asked of you just minutes ago. You watched as their faces went from surprised, to at ease, to shock again.

“I told him no,” you said, and relief took them. “Whatever was between us doesn’t compare to what I have with each of you, and I don’t think that in the time we have left that it could get there. So I sent him away.”

“You didn’t want to let him stay?” Gwilym asked. “Not even a little bit?”

“I’m gonna be honest, part of me did want to say yes,” you said. “But I know what I have here, and how I’m feeling about each of you. It wouldn’t be worth it to bring him on just to send him home at the end of the week. This - what I have with the people in this room - is where the potential is for me. I just wanted to be totally honest with you guys.”

“We appreciate it,” Rami said.

“I also didn’t want gossip magazines or anything like that getting a hold of even a scrap of this and blowing it way out of proportion,” you said. “These are the facts. And I hope you all trust me.”

“Of course we do,” said Ben. “Thanks for doing this.”

“Thank you all for being so understanding and lovely,” you said. “But now, I’ve got to get some sleep. It’s been a long, emotional day, and I’m ready to get to Ireland.”

They all agreed and got up to walk you to the door. You hugged each of them before leaving, a great weight lifted from your heart. You truly had a wonderful group of men here who were kind and genuine. This would ultimately make your decisions going forward more difficult. But for now, it made you happy.

When you landed in Ireland, your heart was beginning to sink. This was a big week. This was the week you would decide who would get hometown dates. You had to decide who’s connections were strong enough to want to meet their families. Three men - men you cared about so dearly - would be going home.

The men were equally anxious. They knew the weight of the week ahead. They also had to decide if they wanted you to meet their families. How strongly were they feeling for you? Could they really see themselves proposing at the end of this?

You were all staying at Ballyseede Castle. The guys had a few rooms to themselves and you had a separate room, on the other side of the building. You had the first date after your arrival there, and you were excited about it. But it was time to make a big decision. This date was make or break. 

The first date card arrived, and Taron went to answer the door. When he returned to the guys, they were silent and waiting.

“Rami,” Taron read. “Will we sink or sail? Love, Y/N.”

“Finally,” Rami sighed, taking the card as Taron handed it to him. “I’m ready for a one on one.”

“Are you ready to take her home to your family?” Joe asked.

Rami nodded. “Yeah...yeah, I am. I’m falling for this girl, and I think bringing her home could solidify it for me.”

“Well, I hope it goes well, then,” Joe said with a smile.

They all wished him luck as he went to get ready.

Rami met you at a small dock on Lough Lane, the largest of the Killarney lakes. You beamed at Rami as he jogged up to you, wrapping you up in his arms and hugging you tight. You couldn’t help but giggle as you saw him and hold on for just a moment longer.

“So,” you said as you separated. “We are going on a little boat tour of Lough Lane today. There are tons of places to see along the shore, which are almost all part of Killarney National Park.”

“Sounds great!” he said.

“Awesome, let’s go!”

You took his hand. Together you walked to the little boat that was reserved for you and climbed in. You were in awe of Ireland and its natural beauty, so this was a great way to see some of it. Your guide was a local who knew most of the history, and he explained it to you and Rami as you rode around. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day. The water was shining like glass and the shore was a deep, lush green. 

You stopped on a small island in the middle of the lake called Innisfallen. There was an old, crumbling building there. The guide told you this was Innisfallen Abbey. You and Rami clasped hands and went to explore it. 

“I love doing stuff like this,” you said. “Seeing some history and all this beauty.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “I’m glad you chose me for this.”

“I’m glad too,” you replied. “I feel really good about us.”

He stepped closer so he could kiss you. You parted, grinning, before walking around some more.

“So, tell me about your family,” you said. “You know getting a rose this week means I’m going to meet them.”

“So you wanna be prepared?” he teased.

“Of course!”

“Well, there’s not much to know, really,” he said. “My parents are incredibly kind people. I’m sure they’ll love you. The trick is impressing my siblings.”

“A sister and a brother, right?” you asked.

“Yep,” he confirmed with a nod. “My sister is older and pretty protective of the both of us. She’s gonna be the tough one.”

“I see,” you said. “Well, I like that she cares about you so much.”

“She really does,” he said. “She’s the best sister in the world, honestly. She was pretty skeptical about this whole thing, but I think once she meets you, she’ll understand.”

“That’s good to hear,” you said. “I love that you’re all so close.”

“You told me that you and your family aren’t,” he said. “Can I ask why?”

You sighed. “Just...they were very conservative and religious. But they’re also really cold people. I felt like I was being controlled, not loved. So when I turned eighteen, I left. We talk every once in a while, but just for holidays and stuff. We don’t really have a relationship at all.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, taking your hand again. “I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“It’s not easy,” you told him. “For a long time, I felt so alone. Then I met my ex - before Peter, that is - and things got worse.”

“Things got worse with your parents?” 

“Just worse in general, including my parents,” you said. “The years I was with him, we didn’t speak at all.”

He let out a low whistle. “That’s tough.”

A beat passed and then he looked at you.

“You’re really strong, you know that?” he said.

“You think so?” you questioned. 

Your inability to maintain a relationship with your family always made you feel like there was something wrong with you.

“I know so,” he said. “To get away from your family because you know they’re not good for you, to endure what you endured from your ex, and then to still have the faith in love that you have...I’m kinda blown away right now.”

“Thanks, Rami,” you said quietly. “That really means a lot to me.”

He smiled, which made you smile too.

“I didn’t think I could fall any more in love with you, but here I am,” he said.

You beamed and leaned forward to kiss him.

Shortly after, you rode back to the mainland and disembarked. You thanked your guide before leaving the little harbor. Then you both went to prepare for the evening portion of the date.

Rami: I feel really good about our date today. Opening up with Y/N is as easy as breathing. We have a really natural connection. I do want to introduce her to my family and get a feel for how she’ll fit, but I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem. She fits in with me, anyway.

For the evening, you had the restaurant and bar of the Killarney Golf and Fishing Club. It had a spectacular view of the lake, which looked much darker as the sun went down behind it. You and Rami sat down to dinner and you took a sip of wine.

“Today was a lot of fun,” you said. “I love to travel and explore, so I like that we got to see something different.”

“I’m the same way,” he told you. “I had a great time.”

“Where’s your ideal travel spot?” you asked.

“I would really like to go back to Egypt,” he said. “I’ve only been a few times, and I was pretty young, so I felt like I didn’t fully appreciate it.”

“That would be cool,” you said.

“Where would you want to go?” he asked.

“The top of my list was always London,” you said with a small laugh. “So I’m glad we went there! But after that it was always Tokyo.”

“I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s amazing,” he said. “Maybe we can go together sometime.”

“I’d love that,” you said. “I’d love to just travel the world with you.”

“Sounds like a dream,” he replied.

You paused for a moment before continuing.

“So, I kind of just want to check in with you since this is such a big week and I could potentially meet your family,” you said. “How are you feeling?”

He took a sip of his drink.

“Honestly, Y/N, I’m feeling good,” he said. “It’s hard to think about you and the other guys, but I feel great about us. We have a great connection. It’s definitely something I want to keep exploring because I’m falling so hard for you. Nothing would make me happier than taking you home to meet my family.”

You smiled.

“I’m feeling great about us, too,” you told him. “From day one, I feel like we’ve had something really unique and special. I want to know more about how you came to be the person you are. I want to meet your family.”

He grinned at you and you giggled back. He had the cutest, most genuine smile you’d seen in a long time. His eyes shone at you. You picked up the rose.

“Rami,” you said, letting his name linger in your mouth a moment because it felt so nice. “Will you accept this rose and take me home?”

He kissed you so enthusiastically, you laughed into his mouth. His answer was certainly clear to you. Your lips moved together deeply, with a tenderness that made you want to melt into a puddle right in your chair. When you parted to breathe, you pinned the rose to his jacket.

“I’m so happy, Y/N,” he said. 

“I’m happy too, Rami,” you replied. “I can’t wait!”

You kissed again, heart soaring. 

To celebrate, you went out to the balcony of the golf club and held each other as you looked out over the lake. As a small fireworks show began, you thought about how stoked you were to meet Rami’s family. To know him on a deeper level. Maybe then, you could really fall in love with him.

Back at the castle, in his room, Allen was looking out over the land pensively. Joe, who was his roommate, took notice and stopped what he was doing.

“Allen, you okay?” Joe asked.

“I think so,” Allen replied. “I dunno...being home is sort of putting a lot in perspective for me.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Joe offered.

“I’m okay,” Allen said. “Thanks, though.”

Joe left it alone, but he quickly became concerned. What did that mean?

Allen: Being home in Ireland has just got me thinking about things on a larger scale. Last time I fell in love this quickly, it ended badly. I’m not sure I am in love with Y/N at this point. And any girl I introduce to my family...I want to be in love with her. I want to be sure that she’s the one. And there’s no way to be sure right now because she’s still the Bachelorette, right? I’ve got a lot to think about right now.

Another date card arrived before Rami got home. Gwilym retrieved it and read it aloud.

“Richard,” he read. “Let’s be king and queen of the castle. Love, Y/N.”

“Alright, I can’t wait!” Richard said, taking the card as Gwilym handed it out to him. “I’m ready for that time with her.”

He looked at the card and wondered what it meant. He wasn’t familiar with Killarney at all, so he assumed there was some bit of history to what you would be doing. Maybe even within the castle you were staying in.

When Rami got home, rose on his chest, the mood shifted in the house. That meant there were only three roses left for hometowns. If Richard got one on his date, the odds were even slimmer for the guys on the group date. It hit them suddenly just how serious this was becoming.

The next day, you met Richard at Ross Castle, a fifteenth century tower fortress that overlooked Lough Leane. It was made of grey stones, which stood out among the green backdrop around it. 

“Hi!” you greeted Richard as he gathered you up in a hug.

“Hello!” he returned, kissing you softly. 

“I’m so glad you’re with me today,” you said. “We’re gonna explore Ross Castle together, so I hope you like history.”

“Sure I do,” he replied.

Taking his hand, you headed inside. It was amazing to see a small building with so much history. 

“So, this castle was built by O’Donoghue Mor,” you said. “Legend has it, he lies in slumber deep beneath Lough Leane, and on the first morning of May, he rises out on his magnificent white horse and circles the lake. If you see him, you’re blessed with good luck for the rest of your life.”

“Spooky,” Richard said. “Does it cancel out any bad luck? Like, say you walked under a ladder or broke a mirror, are you cured?”

You laughed. “I would hope so!”

He smiled at you. “Who needs luck anyway, when I’ve got you?”

“How sweet,” you said with a blush.

As much fun as you were having with Richard, this still felt too new. You didn’t feel like you had progressed much with him. He was falling behind, and you needed more from him if he was going to get the rose from you.

The whole day was light and cheerful, despite your worries. You just knew you would have to talk to him about it that night. The castle was beautiful, the view of the lake was spectacular, and you were enjoying getting to do this with him. 

For the evening, you had a room on the first floor of the castle set up for your dinner date. You walked in together and admired the coziness of it before sitting down at the table. Your stomach turned with nerves as you thought about what you wanted from Richard. What if it was something he wasn’t prepared to give?

“I had a great time today,” he said. “I always have so much fun with you.”

You sighed, setting down your wine glass.

“That’s great, Richard,” you said. “But is that all this is to you? We’re just…having fun together?”

He swallowed, brow furrowing. “Is there something wrong with that?”

That stung. You hated that your reservations were right.

“Yeah, there is,” you said. “This is getting real now. Giving you this rose means I meet your family. I don’t want to do that if you’re not serious about this.”

He took so long to reply you feared for a moment that he wouldn’t. But you needed him to respond to that.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he said. “I really like you. I like where this is going. I’d like to keep seeing you.”

You released a slow, deep breath.

“It has to be more than that at this point,” you said. “We’re beyond exploring the relationship. Where do you see us at the end of this?”

His mouth turned down.

“What are you asking me, Y/N?” he asked. 

“Can you see yourself committing to me?” you pressed. 

“You mean, get down on one knee and propose?” he wondered.

You swallowed thickly.

“Yes,” you said. “Is that where you see this going?”

He heaved a sigh and cut his eyes away from yours. Panic made your heart rate pick up.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said heavily. “But I can’t see it in the short amount of time we have left.” He looked at you again. “I know myself, and I’m not going to be ready to propose.”

You blinked and a tear slid down your cheek.

“I see,” you whispered. “Then...then I’m afraid I can’t give you this rose.”

Silence hung between you for a long moment, the joy of the day long gone. 

“Can I walk you out?” you asked.

“Sure,” he replied.

You walked in silence to the van waiting for him. You felt a bit numb and confused. You had been feeling so strongly for him, but he wasn’t going to get there with you. It felt a bit like a waste.

“I really am sorry, Y/N,” he said as you came to a stop together.

“It’s alright,” you said. “Better to tell me now than go further into this with different ideas.”

“You’re sure we can’t keep seeing where this goes?” he wondered.

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “I didn’t come here for a boyfriend. I came for a husband. If you can’t get there, then we have to say goodbye.”

“I understand,” he said solemnly. “I wish you every happiness.”

“I wish the same for you,” you returned.

You shocked yourself at how sure you sounded when inside you were falling apart a little. You and Richard had been going strong. It made your heart ache for it to end this way.

“Goodbye, Y/N,” he said.

You hugged him one last time. “Goodbye, Richard.”

Upon parting, your eyes lingered on each other for a moment longer. Because this was your last time together, each of you were not eager for it to end. But at some point it had to. He was the one who finally conceded and opened the car door. You closed it behind him, letting more tears fall down your face.

“This sucks,” he said to the camera as the van started down the road. “I really thought we had something great. I just wish I could get where she wants. But I can’t and I don’t want to rob her of men that can give her that, you know? I’m just going to miss her a lot.”

You wiped your face, but the tears still fell slowly.

“I hate this,” you said to the camera. “I really didn’t want to say goodbye, but...I can’t just keep him if he’s not in the same place. I know I made the right decision.”

You went back to look out over the water. You had gotten clarity from Richard, and you were sure of what you did. That didn’t mean it was easy. 

Back at the house, the guys were lounging around and talking over the possibilities for the group date. That’s when a producer arrived to take Richard’s things.

“No way!” Ben gasped. 

The others shared his sentiment, and expressed their disbelief as well.

Gwilym: I’m shocked that Richard’s going home tonight. They seemed to have a strong connection. Although, he did confess to me that he wasn’t in love with her. Most of the rest of us are, so maybe she just knew it couldn’t get there. That does mean there are still three roses to give out. 

After the producer took Richard’s luggage, there was a knock on the door for a date card. Rami went to get it and opened it.

“Gwilym, Joe, Ben, Allen, and Taron,” he read. “Join me for a long expected party. Love, Y/N.”

“Okay, I really have no idea what that means,” Ben said.

“It could mean anything, really,” Taron agreed. “But a party implies fun.”

Taron: I’m actually quite nervous about this group date. Her sending Richard home on their one on one show how serious this is getting. I mean, when there’s the possibility for her to meet your family, how could it not be? I just hope I’m able to spend a good amount of time with her and show her how badly I want to take her home.

Allen got to his feet, heart pounding. He knew he had to see you before the group date and talk about what he was feeling. He went to his producer and spoke to her about what he needed, and she told him he could go to see you. So, he headed to your room.

You were still recovering from your break up with Richard. As much as you knew it was the right thing, you were hurting. You were journaling about it to organize your feelings when you heard a knock on your door. You set your things aside, got to your feet, and stretched before going to answer it. When you looked through the peephole, you were delighted to see Allen standing there.

“Hey,” you said warmly as you opened the door. 

Your brow furrowed at his anguished expression.

“What’s up?” you asked.

You stepped back to allow him across the threshold. You closed the door and faced him, expression just as questioning.

“How are you?” he asked. “I know today probably wasn’t easy. Saying goodbye and all.”

You sighed. “You’re right, it wasn’t wasn’t. I’m still working through it, but I’ll be okay. I’ve got other great relationships I can focus on.”

You tried to smile, but the look on his face made you falter. 

“What’s going on?” you asked. “What did you need to see me about?”

“I needed to talk to you before going on the group date tomorrow,” he said. “I’m not sure how I’m feeling.”

You blinked. “Um...what do you mean?”

“Since coming to Ireland, I’ve been really reflecting on my feelings,” he said. “You know my history so you know I’ve really got to feel something - and be sure of it - before committing again.”

“I understand,” you said. “Are you...are you not feeling something for me?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “That’s just it...I’m not sure. I like you - I like you a lot - but I hear the way the other guys talk about you, and I’m not sure I’m there.”

Richard’s exit already felt like one blow. Now, it felt like Allen had knocked you off your feet. You sat down on the couch to feel steady.

“You haven’t said you were falling in love with me or anything,” you said. “And I understood your hesitation. But you’ve continued through this with me. What’s changed?”

“Being home has reminded me of my last relationship,” he said. “And it’s making me realize how serious this is for you and for everyone else. And I don’t feel what I should be feeling by now.”

You felt more tears welling up. God, you were sick of crying already. Two men you felt had such strong connections had both admitted they were not in love with you. Doubt crept into your heart. Were you more sure than the men? Were you mistaken in your feelings?

“So what are you saying?” you sniffled. “You want to leave?”

“I do,” he said. “I’m sorry. But you’ve always said you want us to be honest. This is my truth.”

You took a deep breath and swallowed. “Well, I gotta say, Allen, I’m really blindsided right now.” 

Richard, you sort of expected. He was reserved and you could feel that he wasn’t in this. But Allen...this had taken you completely off guard.

“I thought we had something really great,” you went on. You leaned forward, elbows on your thighs, and head in your hands. “Now I’m questioning everything.”

“I don’t want you to question everything,” he said, taking your hands to make you look at him. “This is just me.”

“It’s not, though, Richard had the same problem. He wasn’t in love with me and he couldn’t see himself getting there,” you argued. “Is every man here just pretending?”

“I take a bit of offense to that,” he said. “I haven’t faked anything. My effort in getting to know you has been absolutely genuine. The other guys are as well. Those guys are falling in love with you so hard their heads are spinning.”

You tried to smile, but couldn’t. You had taken too many hits today. He sat down beside you.

“I’m sorry you feel the way you do,” you said. “Because I was really falling in love with you.”

“I’m sorry too, darlin’,” he replied. “But it’s for the best.”

With that, he pulled you into a hug. You wept quietly into him for a few moments, remembering all your great times and wonderful conversations. When he pulled away, he wiped your face with his thumbs.

“You’re a helluva woman,” he said. “One of those men is going to be a wonderful husband to you.”

“Thanks, Allen,” you replied quietly.

You got up together and you walked him to the door.

“I guess this is goodbye,” you said.

“It is,” he returned. “But I hope it’s not forever.”

Now, you did smile. “Not, not forever.”

You embraced again. He gave you a little squeeze, and then he left. As the door clicked shut, you felt more tears fall. You wiped them away.

Allen got into the car that was waiting for him outside. He looked into the camera.

“I know I’ve done the right thing,” he said. “I had to leave. I didn’t want to take time from the other guys who really do love her, it wouldn’t be fair. She’s following her heart, and I’m following mine.”

In your room, you looked at the camera.

“I just feel like all I’ve done this week is say goodbye,” you said. “I said goodbye to Jamie, then to Richard, and now Allen too...it just sucks.”

You went to bed anxious. Who else was going to shock you? Hurt you? Leave you?

The next day, you were still off from your day of goodbyes. You wanted to rally for the men you were going to see today, but you couldn’t be sure you would totally recover. But you didn’t want to be unfair to them. So, you put on your makeup and donned a happy face.

You met them at a bar/cafe in Killarney called The Shire. It was based on the famous home for Hobbits in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, a favorite series of yours. When you walked inside, your mouth dropped. It really was something straight out of Middle Earth.

The guys, without Allen, showed up a few minutes after you. You looked at the four of them and your hurt began to erode. Allen was right. These four - and Rami too - were where you were going to find your husband.

“Hi!” you greeted. “Welcome to The Shire!”

They smiled, looking around to take everything in. 

“We’re a little early,” you said. “But there’s a party here today, and we’re all invited. So, I hope you’re ready for a great time!”

 The party was for a local woman who was turning one hundred and eleven. She loved Tolkien, so her family and friends were throwing her a birthday party based on Bilbo Baggins’s one hundred and eleventh birthday. As they started arriving, things picked up, and before you knew it, the party was in full swing.

It was everything a party needed. Snacks provided by the cafe, drinks provided by the bar, incredibly friendly Irish hosts, and a live band. You spend most of the time dancing. You danced with each man you had there, and they were all different. Taron had the most energy, leading you all over the floor. Joe was the silliest, making you laugh more than dance. Ben was shyer, but you got him to open up. Gwilym was poised, but still fun, and surprisingly great at moving his body.

You and the guys got to speak to the woman, whose name was Katie, during a moment of quiet. She was remarkably aware. She hadn’t lost a step, mentally.

“So, Katie,” you said. “What’s the secret to living to one hundred and eleven?”

“I’ll tell you, dear,” she replied. “It’s to stay away from men!”

You giggled together and she patted your hand.

“I’ve already gone off the path, then, I’ve got four of them!” you cried, pointing to them standing behind you.

“Darling, I don’t know how you’re even standing up!” she returned. “Especially, handsome as they are. You’d make better use of the time you’ve got lying down.”

You all burst out laughing and you gave her hand a squeeze. Laughing and dancing and spending this time reminded you of why you started this journey. You were falling in love. There was always hope. You knew exactly what you wanted out of this and you had faith it would come to you.

You had fun all day. The evening portion of the date was being held at The Shire as well, only now you had it all to yourselves. You were excited to talk to these men and see how they were feeling going into hometowns.

You met them once again at the bar, and you made a toast. Then, Gwilym pulled you aside first. You beamed at him as you went into the cafe together to sit and talk.

“How are you?” you asked. 

“Very well,” he said. “I’m content with where we are, and ready to keep growing with you.”

“Are you ready to take me to meet your family?” you wondered.

“Oh, absolutely,” he said. “I think it would go exceedingly well, and you would fit right in.”

“The way I did in your library?” you teased.

“Yes, cariad,” he said. “Exactly like that.”

You kissed him. Then you asked him about his family. From his descriptions, it sounded like they were similar to himself - bookish, smart, and very kind. You definitely had something to look forward to if Gwilym got a rose.

Ben pulled you next. Just being around him made you giddy. Ben was so sweet, and you didn’t think you could ever get enough of him. As you took a seat together on a bench, he pulled your legs onto his lap.

“How are you feeling, love?” he asked. “I know this hasn’t been an easy week for you.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” you said. “Between Jamie, Richard, and then Allen, I started feeling like all I was doing was saying goodbye. I really started questioning things.”

“Even though you had given Rami a rose?” he questioned.

“Yeah,” you admitted. “After my date with Rami, I felt like everything was fine, in spite of Jamie showing up and having to make that decision. Then Richard’s date went south, and on the same night, Allen told me he wasn’t in love with me either. I got so scared that maybe this wouldn’t actually work. Maybe it’s not enough time to fall in love and…” you trailed off.

“I’m sorry you went through all that,” Ben said, rubbing his warm palm over your knee comfortingly. “I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that I’m still falling in love with you. I am falling in love with you every single day.” 

“I’m falling in love with you too, Ben,” you assured him. Now that you had said it once, you wanted to keep telling him. And you were mostly sure about Ben’s feelings.

He kissed you.

“There’s no way you won’t find love here,” he said after. “You already have.”

You smiled and cupped his cheek. “You’re so wonderful.”

You kissed for a little longer.

After Ben, Joe came to get you. You looked forward to seeing Joe all the time. He was such a rock for you throughout all of this. And now, after your spirits were low, you felt that need to be near him again.

“Hey, baby,” he said lowly as he pulled you into a hug and kissed your forehead. “How’s it going?”

“It’s better now,” you whispered. “I’ve missed you.”

This was true. You actively missed Joe when he wasn’t around. Probably because you already felt so close to him.

“I’ve missed you too,” he replied. “I can’t wait for this part of it to be over. I really want you to meet my family.”

“Really?” you questioned.

“Really,” he told you. “I mean, they’ll love you. You’ll be more popular than I am.”

You giggled. “I dunno about that, but that definitely makes me excited. Who would I be meeting?”

“My mom, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and probably my grandparents as well,” he said. “We’re a big group, and if there’s any reason we can all be together, we take that opportunity. Especially since my dad passed.”

“That makes sense,” you said. “I’d be so honored to meet the Mazzellos. I want to see the people who helped shape you into...well, one of the most incredible men I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.”

He smiled. “You’re so sweet, Y/N.”

You chatted for a little longer, with lots of kissing in between. 

Finally, Taron got to talk to you. He gave you a huge hug before sitting in a booth beside you. 

“I’m so happy to be here with you tonight,” he said. “You’ve been on my mind a lot.”

“I have?” you returned. “In what way?”

“Not anything gross, I promise,” he joked. “But I’ve just been thinking about the chance of you meeting my family and the more I pictured it, the happier I got.”

“That’s so sweet, Taron!” you replied, kissing his cheek.

“That’s not all, though,” he said. “I also thought about what I would tell them when they inevitably asked questions about us. The only thing I could think of was that...well, I love you, Y/N. It’s beyond falling at this point. I’m there. One hundred percent. I love you.”

“Oh!” you gasped. “Oh, Taron, that’s - wow. That’s lovely. Thank you for telling me.”

He smiled and took your hand.

“I just wanted to lay everything out there,” he said. “To let you know where my heart is. It’s with you.”

You returned his grin and leaned over to kiss him again. You felt how deeply he meant those words in this kiss. But, it frightened you a little bit. You had to consider now how you felt about Taron, because you weren’t completely in love with him. You could see it happening for you. But was that enough at this point?

When you parted, you returned to the other guys to hand out the rose. It was waiting for you on a table. You had already decided who you wanted to get it.

“I wanna give this rose to someone who just...made me feel really good tonight,” you said. “Especially after everything that’s happened this week. So...Ben, will you accept this rose?” 

“Of course I will,” he replied, standing up to receive it.

After pinning it to his jacket, you kissed each other on the cheek. Then it was time to say goodnight. You had a rose ceremony to prepare for the following evening. At this point in the journey, there were no more cocktail parties.

Ben: I’m stoked I got the rose. I can’t wait to bring Y/N to my hometown and introduce her to my friends and family. I think that it’ll really bring us closer and I’ll be able to tell her that I am in love with her. 

The rose ceremony was held in a private room off the lobby of Ballyseede Castle the following night. The men were waiting for you when you walked in. You took a deep breath, more nervous now than before any previous rose ceremony. You knew what you had to do, but  you were dreading it. This was the most difficult decision you had made so far. 

“Hi guys,” you said, your voice shaking. 

They all said hello back to you. 

“This is the most difficult rose ceremony to date,” you said. “This was an incredibly hard choice, but with families on the line, I knew I had to be careful and go with where I feel the strongest connections. I hope you understand.”

With that, you picked up the first rose. There were only two.

“Joe,” you said. 

You saw him release a breath before approaching you. 

“Joe, will you accept this rose?”

“Absolutely.”

You pinned it on him. As he walked back, you picked up the second rose with trembling hands. Both Gwilym and Taron were looking desperately at you. You were going to crush one of them. 

Chris Harrison emerged. 

“Gentlemen, Y/N,” he said. “This is the final rose tonight. Y/N, when you’re ready.”

You nodded. You weren’t really ready. How you were going to say this goodbye was beyond you. You would be crushed too. You already felt a lump forming in your throat.

“Gwilym,” you said.

Gwilym had the same reaction as Joe as he walked up. You couldn’t look at Taron. You didn’t want to see his face and witness how you’d hurt him. Especially after he told you he was in love with you. 

“Gwilym, will you accept this rose?” you asked softly.

“I will,” he replied.

Hands still shaking, you pinned it to his jacket. 

“Taron, I’m sorry,” Chris said. “Take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Taron was already being embraced by Joe and Ben at the same time. Rami followed after and kissed Taron’s cheek. Gwilym hugged him. You heard them whisper words of comfort to him, but you couldn’t make out what they said. You kept your eyes fixed on the floor. You couldn’t see him yet. 

Finally, you heard his footsteps coming toward you and you looked up. Your heart broke inside your chest at his expression. He was shocked and hurt, and there were already tears in his eyes. Just as there were in yours. 

“Can I walk you out?” you whispered. 

“Yeah,” he said numbly. 

You walked with him out to the lobby and through the front door, where a car was waiting for him. But before you led him to it, you pulled him aside and stopped. 

“I’m so sorry,” you choked out. 

“I…” he trailed off and cleared his throat. “I dunno what to even say right now.”

“I know,” you replied. “But yesterday when you told me you love me, I just realized that I wasn’t in the same place. My connections with the others are just further along and stronger, and I have to follow that.”

“I understand,” he said with a sniffle, and he wiped away a tear that had started down his cheek. 

“I care for you so deeply, Taron,” you said, sobbing as you spoke his name. “You’re such a special person, and you deserve someone who can give back to you everything you offer.”

Tears were streaming down both your faces now. 

“I’m just so sorry I can’t give that to you,” you continued. 

He pulled you into his arms. You remembered vividly that day at Disney, and all the times he held you. How you felt about him in that moment. It made you ache. You stood with him for several moments, just weeping together. 

“I’m sorry too,” Taron said. “I was hoping...I really wanted to be your husband, Y/N.”

“I’m sorry,” you cried. “You were so brave to come here and risk your heart. I hate that I’m the one breaking it.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “You’re doing what you need to. And I just want you to be happy, Y/N. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

You sobbed harder, clutching a handful of his shirt. You weren’t quite ready to let him go. Even though you were sure of your decision. Even though he told you not to be, you told him again how sorry you were. There was nothing else to say. 

Taron had the strength to finally part and start heading toward the car. You still cried as you went with him. He stopped at the door and kissed your forehead. 

“So much luck,” he said gently, his voice gravelly. 

“You too,” you replied. “Goodbye, Taron.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

He opened the door and slid into the backseat. You closed it behind him and watched him go, carried away from you forever. You looked on until the tail lights were no longer visible in the night. You were gutted. 

Taron, inside the car, looked at the camera. Once he was no longer in front of you, he completely broke down. Sobs racked his body. His shoulders shook. 

“I just can’t believe this,” he croaked when he had calmed down. “I was really in love with her - I am still. I just didn’t think it would end this way. I really...I really thought it would be me and her at the end of this.”

He wiped his eyes some more. He couldn’t look back now. All dreams of you had to be put aside. He just hoped he would be able to feel again what he felt for you. 

Once Taron was gone, you shivered. Alone and sad, you returned to the remaining men. You noticed they were all pretty bummed too. Taron was well-loved, not just by you, but by them as well. Even though it bettered their odds for your heart, it was hard to see him go. 

“Thank you all for being so patient,” you said. “That was really difficult for me and the decisions only get harder from here.”

A beat passed and you took a breath. 

“That being said, I really am excited to meet your families and see where we can go from here,” you said. 

You raised a glass, which Chris had given to you upon your return. 

“To hometowns!” you cheered. 

“Hometowns!” they echoed.

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[villainrps]

Hi everyone! You may know me as NEETU/NAV/NINA/MINA/NIA, or just by my URL, @villainrps. I had the real displeasure of having to read some shit the last few days, and I’m here to tell you that I’m not happy about it, it wasn’t okay, and here’s why! I had someone who I had never spoken to before and who I, honestly, was not consciously following confront me and admit to having stalked me over a course of several years before finally coming forward and accusing me of plagiarism. This claim has no basis in reality or fact, which I told her to her face privately before she made the decision to block me before I could reply further. I feel no great shame or even hesitation mention this person’s name or URL as they’ve threatened to write a PSA about me for something I know I haven’t done, despite what an overinflated ego believes and might have you believe, so I thought I’d beat her to the punch and “expose” myself rather than give someone else the satisfaction. Read on below to find out all about this rather unpleasant encounter with Sarah, @marvolo ( previously @lilys and @aangs ).

As I’ve already said, I’ll begin with acknowledging that I was, apparently, at one time following Sarah. We never met or spoke, if we were ever in a roleplay together it’s not something I was aware of, and her most recent old URL wasn’t even one that I recognized. I believe that I began following her when she was @aangs, and I found her blog through a friend of mine ( @herorps ) who was likely following Sarah for her RP resources.

I also want to touch on the fact that Sarah states she has been playing the character in question -- a canon character, Lily Luna Potter -- since 2012. I have also been playing Lily Luna since 2012, and I’m sure there are a good number of other people who have been playing her for at least three years, if not the seven that Sarah and I both have. I also want to state that I have never seen Sarah’s portrayal of Lily Luna out in the wild, so to speak, at least to my own conscious knowledge as, despite the fact that she’s apparently been keeping tabs on me, I’ve not been keeping tabs on her. I want to make very clear that I have never plagiarised from anyone, for a number of reasons: a) it’s morally wrong, b) especially in the case of roleplay, it’s not a concept I could ever wrap my head around as writing someone else’s character in any capacity for any length of time isn’t sustainable, and c) I don’t need to. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m an incredibly confident person; I’m secure in my own abilities, I would and have never felt the need to bolster my own skills using the labor of someone else.

Before Sarah took the immense courtesy of very brusquely messaging me with this accusation herself, she decided to present a massive compilation of evidence to the admins of a group that I’m currently in, collected -- again, by her own admission -- over the course of several years without my knowledge of, to put it bluntly, any idea who she even was. You’ll find screenshots of all of these conversations below, but I just want to make it very clear before continuing that this kind of behavior is a plague in our community, and nothing ever makes it okay to literally stalk a complete stranger for years, not even taking into account how calmly and easily she admitted it to a third party, another stranger, as if it’s something rational and normal to do.

Now, regarding the things she’s accusing me of stealing from her portrayal of Lily Luna -- face claim, occupation, house, personality traits, and a few headcanons that I believe to be very generic not only for this specific character but just as far as headcanons go in general -- obviously, yes, I’m as a whole denying all of it. It’s just not true. You’re more than welcome to believe whatever you want about me, but I’m saying now, for the record, that this is not true, and what prompted me to write my own PSA is to call attention to this absolutely reprehensible behavior, as it was total bullshit to me, but also as I’ve heard in asking around that Sarah has a history of making these kinds of accusations against people.

Find first the screenshots of the Google Doc she sent to the admins of a group that I’m in; the Google Doc itself is now defunct, but the admins can attest that these screenshots are complete and unaltered. 

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO BE REDIRECTED TO THE SCREENSHOTS.

You'll see on the first page, she admits to having stalked me for "many years," and also posts that her biography has gone through several changes over the years, as well as the fact that she has people who can vouch for her who have been in previous groups with her. I, also, have people who I've known since 2012 who can vouch for me. She also says on the second page that she softblocked me at some point, rather than saying absolutely anything about any of this, despite having kept tabs on me for years and having said or done God knows what to other people about a situation that I had no knowledge of. Also on the second page she vows to "hold [the admins] accountable for the irresponsible way they handled the situation," which apparently just means they read this massive document and decided they didn't agree with her, so obviously they're wrong and at fault here as well. I really have nothing to say about these biosheet/introduction comparisons. I've run the similarities by half a dozen people now, and none of us can see how they're "too similar to be a coincidence," as Sarah says to me later, in our conversation. These are all fairly generic traits and headcanons; talking about Gryffindor traits, about her canonical family, about a headcanon of not being able to cook?, and another that literally just describes some basic Gryffindor aesthetics that you can find right away in a five second Pinterest search. None of these are unique to either one of our portrayals. This is a canon character with an established fanon. I'm sure you could find at LEAST a dozen other people who play Lily as a headstrong Gryffindor who has Harry's eyes and is afraid of losing her family. Towards the end of all this, she also mentions two similar character URLs -- mine, daughterofheroes, isn't even something I came up with myself, it was given to me by a friend that used to play Lily Luna. Additionally, she mentions some similar tags that we both use; "out of the ashes" was based on a really specific RPG event from a group that I ran years ago, and I don't think that I have to say that "lionheart" is about as generic as it gets for a Gryffindor. Then, out of nowhere, she accuses me of changing my introduction for Lily for MinistryHQ, a group that I co-adminned and she apparently briefly thought about joining, to avoid "[being] caught in the act." Remember how she's said her Lily biography has gone through many changes over the years? Apparently, when she does it, it's natural evolution and it's valid, but when I do it, it's obviously because I'm a vicious sneak thief and I don't want anyone to notice. Which, if I didn't want her to "detect" me in my own group, would I not have simply... blocked her? Softblocked her like she did to me? ANYWAY. It then details her conversation with the admins of the group I'm in, where she accuses me of plagiarism to them, but asks that I not be told about them at all, which -- I don't know, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but that's incredibly insensitive to the admins and the position that’s putting them in ( hey, kick this person out but you're not allowed to tell them why! ), not to mention still being weirdly stealthy about stalking me for this long?? Not only accusing me of plagiarism to them, then, but completely reaching up your ass and deciding that the reason you've kept all this a secret is because you think I'm going to harass you?? So now I'm not only a thief, I'm a bully too?? And, again, WE HAVE NEVER SPOKEN. In my opinion, the admins are exactly on point, telling her that the only person doing the harassment is you -- I have no idea how this can be seen as anything but, deciding you don't want a total stranger to have access to your blog despite the fact you've NEVER allotted them the courtesy of knowing you have an issue with them to begin with, despite the fact that you're helping yourself to having kept tabs on them for a span of YEARS -- and saying, like what I've just said, that neither of our Lily portrayals are particularly unique. I'll own up to that lol. But Sarah's not quite ready to do that, as you'll see in this next set of screenshots.

Next you can find the screenshots of Sarah finally taking the time to message me about her perceived grievance with me, finally after being quite literally forced to after her encounter with the admins of the group I’m in. 

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO BE REDIRECTED TO SCREENSHOTS

A lot of the things I have to say I've already said directly to Sarah. Before I was blocked, that is. I'm a very-upfront person, and my tone in these IMs is not gonna be any different from my tone in this PSA lol. But let's still pick through for any important things. This is probably a little petty to point out, but I really need to mention that she says she's "[tried] to just let this go" and I really wanna ask you, reading this: does any of this so far seem like the actions or mental space of a person who's trying to let this go? Because that's not how it reads to me! But anyway, like I say to her, the tone of this message is incredibly abrasive; I don't think it's at all fair that she's been letting this anger and resentment stew for literal years, only to come at me with this message and act like she's tried to address it to me before and this is her last warning before putting me on blast as a last straw. Again, like I say to her, I just really think this whole accusation is incredibly ego-based coming from a place of thinking that she has a singular claim to what is just a very generic portrayal of this popular canon character, thinking that anyone who plays this character in a similar way to her must, logically, be copying her because there’s no other explanation for two similar ideas other than the fact that someone is jealous of her, etc. Much of this speaks for itself, but at the end of this conversation you can see us talking about the fact that the basis for my Lily Luna is a completely different canon character from an entirely different fandom. Even when I mention that and link her the application from four years ago, she still insists that that biography, now, was even plagiarized from her Lily Luna, despite how little sense that makes. If I wanted to rip someone's biography for Canon Character A, I would rip someone's biography that was also written for Canon Character A, not stumble upon a biography for a completely unrelated Canon Character B and copy that. This one in particular just really. Blows my mind. She ends the conversation by saying that it's "ridiculous" that I won't "cop" to something that I did not do; what I find ridiculous is that she's now had three people tell her her characterization just ain't that special and instead she's choosing to fall back on this narcissistic tirade that she's apparently been on against me for years without my knowledge. Well, you know what, Sarah? I had no reason to care about you then, and I still have no reason to care about you now. But you know what, honey? If this helps you sleep better at night, stalking and harassing random strangers on the internet to feed your ego, then you just go on believing that I’m the bad guy and everyone’s out to get you. Clearly that’s what you need to make it through the day, so who am I to take that away from you?

In conclusion, this whole thing really just caught me off guard rather than having the intimidating effect that was intended. I know I didn’t steal from anyone, which is why I feel comfortable enough posting all this, but I think that this has really gone on long enough and some people in this community really just need to be held accountable for getting off on shit like this. Some people here are too scared of confrontation to call shit like this out, but I’m not one of them. 

If you’ve read this far and your brain is still intact, congratulations! Because I was feeling really fried after experiencing all of this first hand. This is ridiculous, considering I thought we left this sort of rpc drama back in 2015. Also, for reference to these proofs that were collected by Sarah, please see below for most of the screenshots, as the google doc is not available to me any longer.

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[sociallyawkward--fics]

xy pls i was trying to text my brother “바보” (fool in korean) but i sent it to my friend instead and i don’t even know her that well she probably thinks im a fucking idiot god im going to self-destruct or kill myself or smth -H

and then she fucking sent “aloh” back and i know she can kinda speak another language so i tried googling it but nothing came up like what do i do????? what if i tell her i meant to text my brother but i accidentally texted her and i actually didn’t???? like fuck i panicked and deleted the text message but what if it doesn’t delete on her side????? what do i fucking do???? what does “aloh” mean??? -H

i said sorry and she just said “haha lol it’s ok” like should i reply????? what do i do in this situation???? pls i hates texting before but how am i supposed to recover from this????? -H (end me)

---------------------------

Hey hey, kiddo, breathe, okay? I promise, it’s not a big deal. I do it all the time and yes, I will not deny that it feels awful and mortifying and it’s such a hugely anxiety-inducing thing, and I will not deny freaking out in similar fashions when I do it, but I promise, it’s okay.

I’m not sure what “aloh” means, maybe it was a funny way of pronouncing “hello,” or they misspelled “aloha” or something? But when I do this, I usually go “Sorry, that was meant for [so-and-so]!” and leave it at that unless they start a conversation after that.

For a message like “haha lol it’s okay,” it doesn’t necessarily require a response unless you want to strike up a full conversation. If you don’t feel like talking right now, it’s totally fine to just leave it at that. 

Like, trust me, I hate to not be the one to most recently respond at the end of a convo, and it’s hard to tell when you don’t need to reply back, but that doesn’t seem like something you need to reply back to.

You’re gonna be okay, kiddo. Your friend doesn’t think you’re an idiot, I’m sure, and I’m sure she’ll forget about it in no time. Just take deep breaths, maybe if you can’t calm down find a way to distract yourself. My go-to is usually watching something (Netflix, YouTube, etc.) because it has both visual and audio stimulus so it’s a better distraction, but that’s just me personally. Maybe for someone else, reading or listening to something is better. You just gotta find what works for you.

[lastoneout]

My chronic pain is in such a weird place rn.

Like I'm mostly ok during the day as long as I t do anything too strenuous, but when I try to sleep it gets worse and bugs me all night, and when I wake up my knees just hurt until I get going.

And its still bad enough during the day that I havent been able to take the dogs out on walks which isnt good for me or them cuz it's usually the only kind of exercise I get, plus I've barely been able to do more than half an hour of chores.

And I'm drinking soda again even though I tried to stop since given that I don't get a lot of activity I've been gaining weight and my teeth already suck so soda is Bad but the new pain meds they have me on make me super fucking nauseous even when I eat and the only thing that helps is ginger ale and I cant afford the expensive healthier stuff so I'm stuck drinking Canada Dry which is terrible for me but I cant just be nauseous all day so idk I guess I'll die.

Plus I found out that my mom, grandma and my aunt are all really sensitive to most anesthetics so when my pain management specialist does the weird 'stick big ass needles into my knees' thing I likely will have to be awake and I'm fucking terrified of needles and they wont let my boyfriend come back with me so I'm legit worried I'm gonna faint which idk at least I'll be out for it but ugh

And tbh I kinda hate my primary for a lot of reasons but when he refers me out to places he keeps sending me to these clearly franchised for-profit clinics which dont really give off the vibe that they particularly give a shit about me so on top of my primary being a sexist pos who is about a month away from totally giving up on me I have to deal with these impersonal doctors who just wanna shove pain meds at me and call it a day. I mean they legit just asked if I wanted pain meds. I thought my doctor was supposed to look at my chart and help determine what would be the best course of action for my particular problems but no she just asks what I want to do despite the fact that I am not a medical professional and then just does whatever I suggest while half-heartedly chiming in with weird ideas I've never heard of. Like that is not??? What doctors are supposed to do??? I thought?????

And my primary is legit about to just give up on me. Like it took me years to get someone to take my pain seriously and now that he's sent me to a handful of specialists who have quickly decided that they can't help he bascially just shrugged and asked 'what my life would be like if they never could figure out what was causing the pain' and I'm like?? Bitch Im only 23 and you, without determining the cause, are completely comfortable with condemning me to a life of pain??? Like the pain management thing legit feels like a death sentence. It feels like end of life care and it's so disheartening to go there and have them solve hydrocodone in my face and call it a day like the solved any of my problems. I do not react well to opioids and so I cant take them and then go to work. It doesn't even fully get rid of the pain! So I'm just supposed to spend the rest of my days suffering in a drug induced haze doing nothing because even sitting in a normal chair for more than an hour hurts like hell??

Plus the social security office denied my disability claim despite my doctor bascially giving up and saying I'm disabled and all of the people I called who are supposed to help me appeal it either said they were too busy or legit said that since I'm so young it would be too hard to prove I cant work so its not even worth the time to try.

So what I'm too young to be suffering like this but I'm also apparently old enough that my doctor is willing to give up on me. Wtf am I supposed to do then???

Like lord this whole process has been a neverending nightmare and I'm so fucking tired and I dont want my life to be over I don't want this to stop me but if no one is willing to help I don't know how I'm supposed to manage. I want to go to school but I dont have a car and it's too hard to take the bus everywhere when standing for more than an hour or two hurts. Even if I got a wheelchair I would still have to push myself around and the closest bus stop is up big hill covered in gravel and sand that isnt exactly accessible.

Like...what am I even gonna do.

[peachymilkis]

NURSE!JIN HOGWARTS AU

- fluff with the tiniest teeny tinest amount of angst

- roughly 2.5K words

-pls enjoy

this is my first one and im starting with ma boy jin cuz im going in age order

pls don’t judge me im new to bullet scenarios

anyway lets get on with it

okay so basically kim seokjin was a star gryffindor whilst he was in hogwarts

perfect grades

head prefect

everyone loved him

and he loved his school

he was always interested in nursing

mostly because his six best friends always ended up in madam pomfreys hospital wing thanks to their rambunctious adventures

so after graduating and two years of training seokjin went on to become a nurse at hogwarts

madam pomfrey absolutely adored him

one day after tending to a first year ravenclaw had accidentally fallen off of their broom and sprained their ankle madam pomfrey called seokjin to her office

“is something the matter?” the young man asked the head nurse in a questioning tone

He was rarely ever called to her office so he became worried if he had accidentally done something wrong

“you know, my dear boy, im just getting too old for this job. i think its time for me to retire.”

seokjins facial features visibly sulked

“no what do you mean? whos gonna be head nurse now? nobodys better than you! youre the best nurse in all of wizarding history you cant just leave!”

poor boy pleaded with his heart

madam pomfrey had become like a mother to him so it did make her sad to leave but the poor thing was too tired to go on

“actually that’s what I want to talk to you about. I really would like it if you became the head nurse”

ma boys jaw dropped to the floor

“me? head nurse?”

what?????

“yes you!”

and like that seokjin was appointed as the new head nurse of hogwarts

news spread like a wildfire all over the school

of course how could it not spread when every student was head over heels with the beautiful wizard

so much so that students would feign injuries just for the chance to be up close and personal with him

now this is where you come in

you were in your final year at hogwarts

ready to graduate and get out of there to get on with your life

obviously you too have heard of the ethereal nurse and the news of him becoming head nurse

you were only two years younger than him so you had had him in a few of your classes when he was still a student himself

you seldom spoke with im but you spoke with him enough to know how naturally flirty he is without even trying

when you two were paired he would always manage to send you a wink or blow you a kiss

you always thought he was weird but that may or may not have been you denying the fluttering of your heart every time he did that

then again you saw it do it to his friends all the time so you quickly got rid of any feelings you may have felt for him

when he graduated you thought that you finally wouldn’t have to deal with seeing with him

even though it did make you a little sad to see him go

but HA you were so wrong

you would sometimes catch him in the hallways

one time he looked back at you and you could’ve sworn he sent you a little eye wink

you quickly walked away and dismissed the thought

one day your in the great hall eating breakfast with you best friend

fifth year ravenclaw jeon jungkook

he also happened to be one of the six best friends of kim seokjin that were earlier mentioned

“i swear i thought he winked at me earlier but its so absurd so im sure im seeing things now.”

you exclaimed to the ravenclaw

he looked at you with this knowing look that you were completely oblivious to

“who knows y/n maybe he likes you or something”

you felt a blush creeping up your neck

“yea right. even if he did wink at me, he winks and blows kisses at other people all the time.”

you scoffed

theres no way he would ever have feelings for you

but the thought still lingered in your mind

Jungkook managed to notice the blush creeping onto your cheeks and smirked

your best friend may or may not have started plotting something

a few days later whilst you and jungkook were walking to lunch

two oddly cheery six years named park jimin and kin taehyung ran towards you two

“y/n jungkook we have to visit hagrid right now!”

jimin grabbed onto your arm and like that all of you ran off to visit hagrids little hut

you were confused but knew better to question the hyper boys who also happened to be your best friends

taehyung knocked hard on hagrids door until hagrid finally opened it

“ey slow down there buddy.”

“hagrid we heard you got a pet dragon!” the hyper hufflepuff yelled

hagrid quickly shushed him and pushed us all inside his hut

“who now told you? it was meant to be a secret!”

“i found out actually! i caught you at diagon alley

said jimin the proud slytherin

hagrid let out of sigh of relief

“at least it was only you who saw.”

“can we see him!?” jungkook asked excitedly

“oh why not?”

hagrid gave in after seeing four puppy faces staring back at him with hope in their eyes

he took out his baby pet dragon

you reached out to pet it but guess what

he got scared and bit you

you yelped and brought your pointer finger to your chest

you looked at the bite mark

“y/n are you okay!?”

“oh no what do we do!?”

“bad Herbert!”

the voices started fading away

oh no youre fainting

well fuck

everything went black

now back to ma boy seokjin

he was having a pretty calm day

no one was in the hospital wing at the moment

but then all of a sudden in come running three male students along with a hagrid and a girl in his arms

“jin hyung we need help ASAP!”

“hyung y/n fainted after being bitten by a baby dragon!”

at the sound of your named jin quickly got to work

“lay her down here ill take care of the rest.”

you pushed everyone out of the hospital wing and focused on getting you all better

a few hours later you opened your eyes

you looked around and realized you were in the hospital wing

you remembered what happened before fainting

“damn Herbert.” you muttered to yourself

you heard a chuckle causing you to jump out of shock

you looked over and realized that you were not alone in the room

jin had actually been sitting on the chair beside the bed

no he hadn’t been watching you while you were sleeping

what???

that would be totally preposterous

lmao he was totally watching you

for a good hour

not in a creepy way tho

your cheeks reddened when you realized how close he was so you quickly sat up

“are you feeling better y/n?”

you nodded still not making eye contact with him

“yeah kind of. my finger still really hurts though.”

jin nodded and got up from his seat

“well the good news is that i managed to get the venom out of your finger. the bad news is you cant do anything with that hand and i have to make sure its all good so you have to stay here for at least three days to recover.”

THREE DAYS?!?!

“what!? three days!?”

theres no way you would survive being alone with jin for the next three days

may i also include that it is friday and those days there are rarely any students that come for injuries

jin laughed this weird windshield wiper laugh that you found oddly cute

“is it that bad spending three days with me?”

YES

“no its just.. you know, it’s the weekend and all..”

you quickly made up a lie

“don’t worry y/n. i will make the next three days as fun as possible for you.”

he gave you this smile with a cheeky little wink that had your heart pounding against you chest

oh lord were you in for a treat

day 1

you were awoken to an entire cart of candy beside you

“mister kim what is all this?”

“ew mister kim sounds weird just call me jin.”

“but anyway. these candies were sent to you from jimin, taehyung, jungkook, and me!”

a big UWU

you smiled happily and excitedly

“aw my best friends are so swee- wait you too?”

jin chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck

damn he looked good

wait what

“well yea, theyre my best friends too so basically that makes us best friends by assotciation!”

another big UWU

your cheeks reddened and you let out a shy smile

“well thank you.”

jins nervous smile quickly transformed into a relieved smile and he started walking away

you don’t know what came over you but

“would you like to join me? these are too many for me to eat on my own and i don’t really like eating by myself. i could use the company.”

you stared at him hopeful

his heart started pounding with delight

“yes of course!”

and basically the rest of the day was spent with you two talking and getting to know each other and eating all the delicious and mysterious snacks that were gifted to you

day 2

jin had woken up extra early with a happier smile and a skip to his step

he walked into the hospital wing and saw you still fast asleep

he walked over to you and brought the blanket over your shoulder as it was a little chillier today

he watched over you for another few minutes with a fond smile on his face before getting back to work

you had been awake for a bit before jin walked in but you freaked out so you pretended to be asleep

so basically you witnessed what happened

your face was so red it’s a surprise jin didn’t notice lol

you wondered throughout the day why your evil best friends hadn’t even bothered to visit you

you definitely didn’t start planning a kill list

later that day you really needed to pee so you got up to go to the bathroom

you started turning the corner when

BAM!

smack dab into jins chest

his first reaction was to gab you before you fell back

so basically you were against his chest with his strong arms holding you tightly to his body

you both stayed like that for a few seconds before you both made eye contact

quickly you both jumped back and started coughing awkwardly and looking anywhere but at each other

“i uh, gotta pee bye!”

you ran to the bathroom faster than a snitch

you slammed your back against the stall door and clutched onto your chest where your heart is

jin stayed still as a rock after you ran off

his face was stuck with the biggest grin that not even any medicine or potion could wipe off

he could still feel your body against his

you could still feel his body wrapped around yours

it felt right

obviously you pushed your feelings back

you fervently avoided jin for the rest of the day

it wasn’t easy but you managed

jin on the other hand wanted to talk to you so badly

he realized he would give you your space though

neither of you could sleep that night

day 3

jin managed to get a good three hours of sleep that night

he would’ve slept in lowkey if he wasn’t determined to talk to you

you on the other hand ended up falling asleep at around 7 in the morning

jin practically ran into the hospital wing at 8 in the morning to find you still sleeping

you ended up sleeping until 3 in the afternoon

you were awoken by jin when he was checking in on your finger

immediately you sat up

you looked up at jin and immediately regretted it

both of you froze again

jin looking down at you with his hand around your tiny wrist

you, sat up on the bed staring into his eyes that were basically traps

your faces were mere inches apart

“y/n”

the way he said that had chills running down your spine

it was just so breathy and his voice was lowered and it was just uGH

you then coughed and immediately looked away

jin sighed and slowly reached his hand under your chin

he carefully and cautiously turned your face to him

without a word he delicately planted his lips onto yours

your eyes opened wide as his closed into the kiss

after a second or two your eyes closed as well and you reciprocated the kiss

he pulled away and looked into your eyes

“y/n i have to tell you something.”

you were still in shock of the kiss but his sentenced immediately brought you back

you turned your face and coughed, trying to remember how to breathe cuz apparently you forgot

“y-yeah what is it?”

you tried sounding as normal as possible

you failed

“i like you.”

your jaw dropped

“huh?”

“i know its really sudden but i really like you and i have for the past four years.”

“wait what? am i being pranked? theres no way. you were always so popular and come on you were a Gryffindor and you were always so flirty with everyone and-“

jin cut you off by laughing

you stared at him dumbfounded

“why are you laughing!?”

“y/n i was never flirty with anyone that wasn’t you, or my six other best friends, who are all male. i know you never noticed but i loved sending you winks and kissy faces because seeing your face redden and run away was just so cute. but i never confessed while i was still a student here. i was a coward.”

you finally eased and let out a chuckle yourself

“wow a cowardly gryffindor. who would’ve thought.”

jin let out a laugh as well and scratched the back of his neck

a nervous habit of his, you’ve noticed

“anyway, is there any way you could give this coward a chance as your boyfriend?”

your heart was beating hard as you smiled shyly

“after you let go of my wrist though.”

jin looked down and realized he had been holding on the your wrist this entire time

he blushed and let go

“oops.”

what a cutie!!

“wait im getting a chance!?”

you nodded and he smushed you in between his arms

once again

it felt right

you were both startled when you heard the doors slam open and in come three boys clapping and holding a big cake that read

‘CONGRATULATIONS ON FINALLY DATING (took you long enough)’

which resulted in jin letting go of the hug and chasing after them

as jin was chasing taehyung and jimin, jungkook ran over to you and gave you a big hug

“so i see my plan worked!”

you pushed him off of you and glared at him

“what plan?”

“my plan to get you into the hospital wing ofc!”

“so you all got me bit by a baby dragon!?!”

oops

and with that jungkook runs away as well

“JEON JUNGKOOK COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!”

and like that had your life become even more eventful

ughhhhh idk how i feel about this but pls give me some feedback and  might post a namjoon one next depending on how i feel lol thanks for reading

[leblancc]

HI EVE !!!! i'm the anon who sent some shukita imagines in your ask some time ago !

i was reading your works for like the 28 time and i was STRUCK with inspiration again; oh, btw, please delete this ask if it makes you uncomfortable or if you prefer not to share, i agree with you, ship discourse is absolutely terrible!

but now, back to shukita! eve, imagine with me, akiras birthday, he lives in his hometown, in all his birthdays, yusuke would make a big text and send him gifts (that btw would always arrive weeks later, which made yusuke furious), BUT THIS BIRTHDAY, things were different; akira didn't receive any texts from yusuke, not one, he was worried and thought about calling, but he gave up, calling cause he didn't receive a happy birthday was too selfish, but still, he was upset. His other friends sent their regards and called him, some made quick calls, like sae, some made hours long calls, like ryuji, but both had something in common, they always evaded any question about yusuke, even if it was the most subtle one, akira was never a fool, on the contrary, he was VERY perceptive, so he got to the conclusion that the boy was planning something, maybe a big gift or something, akira smiled at the possibility. But as the hours passed, the day was each time closer to reach its end, just as akira hope, he sat on the diner table, eating sushi with morgana, the cat knew he was upset, even tho he didn't said a word about it, "he still wasn't sent you anyhing?" morgana asked, he signaled no with his head, when there was two quick knocks on the door, that probably was the tuna he asked to deliver for the cat, akira made his way to the door, only to be greeted by a totally wet yusuke, who was under the rain with the biggest smile even seen to man, yusuke quickly apologized for being late, saying that he had to get off the train before his destination to spare enough money to buy him a gift, but right after that it started raining, which crowded the streets- akira interrupted yusuke big explanation by grabbing him and pushing him inside the house, he smiled, saying that there was no problem and that he was gonna grab a towel.

after drying himself out, yusuke went to akiras room with his packages before his parents came home and shoot him with all kinds of questions

"Did Ryuji spoil the surprise? I've received a message while in the train, Makoto telling how you were calling him, i must admit i felt scared. But that wasn't so bad to deal as it was to not respond to your messages, i am truly sorry."

akira brushed it off, saying it was alright, he still had the same smile in his face, which made yusuke very happy

"Oh, i almost forgot, here is your gift, i had to buy it myself this time, cause clearly i can't trust any service to deliver it in time"

He said with a chuckle, akira opened the package, it was a handmade fox's mask together with a handmade joker mask, akira was baffled

"How did you manage to buy that, why they were selling our masks?"

"Don't worry, it was a commission i made myself some months before, although i admit not being the biggest fan of my own mask, i can't deny how it brings me so many memories, and i whished to make them eternal by uniting both our determinations"

after explaining, he received the biggest hug from akira, that for sure was one of the best birthdays he ever had.

OMG SORRY EVE I WAS SO INTO IT WHEN I BEGAN WRITING SO IT WENT ON AND BECAME A FULL ON FANFIC, LOL

KISSES LOVE UR WORK AND THANKS FOR PUTTING UP W ME

ANON!! i’m eating up the shukita content you have no idea!!!

me the entire time:

THE HANDMADE MASKS IM SOBBING!! they’re too precious!! AND HIM DELIVERING IT IN PERSON DESPITE THE RAIN. i am very normal about them. very very normal, in fact. (they said, in fact not at all normal about them)

if you don’t already and are comfortable with it, have you considered sharing your ideas/works on your blog? content like this is adorable and i’m sure so many people would enjoy it—myself included!

regardless, thank you so much for sharing this with me and the rest of the patrons, by extension! your ideas are so cute and you’re always welcome to talk about them!

[ltuitasi]

Letting Go... To be able to release one's self from every and anything that ails you or holding you back for certain things in life.. In this case.., letting go of the one you love and work on one's self. In my life there has been 3 major letting goes that would hurt me to the core and make me feel like love is not worth it anymore.. I love hard and with every ounce of me. Never holding back or save some for myself. It all or nothing and more then once I played myself thinking I was getting it in return.. This last one for me after being single for 5yrs just broke me down. I have allowed myself to fall with no hesitation. Everything was alined but in this particular case.., my soul was first. Then my mind and then my heart. Vulnerable to everything, anything and trusted him with it all. Usually with me sex plays a mighty big roll on if Im gonna stay or go. This is true. But it wasnt in this case. I fell hard for him because I never connected to hard soul wise with someone. It seemed like fate keep us crossing each others pathes and keeping that connection wide open to reconnect everytime.. The very first time we connect was during an unexpected event that my family and I did not expect to happen. Enjoy our conversation and little times we spent during that week. Said our Good Bye's for I was married and was returning home and he was with someone else. Who would of thought that we would connect again. 9yrs later in a whole in a wall dinner in the middle of no where. Reconnected simultaneously as if we did not skip a beat. But the difference this time, We were both single. Exchange numbers and off we went into our own separate ways. One text sent but was not recieved and into the abyss it went. To see no light. And then again, 2yrs later to be friended on one social media. Reconnect but this time it became much more. Within a mere 2 weeks, there was a vibe that felt as if we were like this in many lifetime before now.. As if our universes belonged and there was no way to shake that. And then the awkward Pause that i didnt understand. Just fine out during my own investing that he had belonged to someone else and failed to mention. So the pause continued till another (expected this time) event had occurred which brought us to the same place again. No denying this time how much of an effect we have had on each other.. Connected even more n this time carried into a very beautiful something else which in both case brought to learn each other even more. He became this person I have wrote about n dreamt about for a very long time. As a matter a fact, I wrote a list of who my next partner/mate would be and low and behold.. IT WAS HIM. The whole list. The list consist of 10 points and to my surprise.. He covered it. I fell hard and am totally and utterly in love.. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. He has been imbedded in my soul so hard that.... Yeah, can’t explain. I’ve been married twice... But never had felt this before. Not even for them.. This has been different all the way around and I like it... I like it a lot. Again,, A pause.. This time its been ruff one for we had share over a beyond things we shouldn’t have I guess. I learned in the short time we where ON.., We are absolutely alike.. I understand him and he understands me.. The love we have strongly for our culture(for we are the same), totally about family and our kids. He has 5 up on me. Its great. I jus have my one and my one grand daughter that I am in love with.. My son as well.. lol..  

Its hard to shake him. I thinking of him all the time. Meaning I cant stop. I have other thing that I focus one, in which I do.. But still he is on my mind. My soul aches and yearns for him. Why..., I DONT KNOW... I remember feeling like this jus a little bit for my last husband.. But it doesn't amount or touch the way I feel for him. I wonder if he thinks of me as much as I think of him.. Does he aches for me like I do him or does he have distractions that can help him not think bout me.. But you figure if you have me in your heart and can see yourself with me for the long haul..., Then why the pause.. But then again I can change this into a positive thing n take it as a blessing so I can figure myself out and learn to LOVE MYSELF EVEN MORE.. This year has been just... JUST.... EH SE UFA EI..

[flowerboymoongirl]

What are the Odds? 2.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom Holland accidentally adds you to his friends list, and when you hit him up about about it you think that’s gonna be the end of that. Simple. But Tom does the complete opposite. Let the social media flirting begin.

Warnings: some cursing, bad flirting, annoying brothers.

Word count: 2898

A/N: Thought this chapter was long but once I finished it I felt like it wasn’t, so be prepared for longer chapters, which I hope ya’ll are ok with lol. I have a lot of details in my mind for their specific dynamic together along with relationships of the other characters so im glad ill be able to put most of those details into the upcoming chapters. enjoy.

//////

So about the whole, ‘I’m gonna tell him’ thing you told the roomies.

That... is easier said than done. Watching a celebrity’s private social media page is wrong, but also really interesting. Like those “CELEBRITIES! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!” articles in those trashy magazines that you use to skim through at the grocery store while your mom did her shopping. Most days, Tom posted what you would deem ‘normal people activities.’ Him walking his dog in the morning. Him having a beer with who you assumed were his roommates. Him leaving his clean laundry on a chair in his room for a few days and then posting about his guilt for doing it. We’ve all been there. But then, he would also post things that you were sure was on the invasion of privacy range you were crossing. He had posted going out to restaurants or clubs that were super exclusive a few times, him drinking with his friends which lead to drunk Instagram stories, (once again, we’ve all been there) or he’d post gym selfies or his outfit of the day, which like, how were you suppose to deny yourself that?

But overall, he seemed like he tried to live as normal a life as possible, and was pretty down to earth for the most part. Which made you feel bad for being so nosey in his life. He obviously wanted privacy, and here you were watching all of his private stories meant for his friends and family. You could practically hear Zoë telling you how you should’ve figured out how to unlink yourself from that list two weeks ago when she told you to. It was exhausting sometimes how often Zoë was right.

Which lead you to finally telling yourself that the next time he posted something you would message him about the mixup and then carry on with your life like you weren’t bummed to not be able to watch Spider-Man’s day to day activities. You needed to get a better hobby.

“Earth to y/n, are you in there??“ Kevin said as he waved his hand infront of your face.

“Isn’t it time for you to go to work? I thought maybe you fell asleep at the dining table for again, until I noticed your eyes were open.” You glanced at the clock. 3:30am. Waking up for the 4am opening shift for work was the worst.

“Uh, yeah. I was totally spacing, guess I’m still just tired.” You said while you grabbed your jacket and keys.

“Don’t fall asleep on the way to work please?” He said while we followed you to the door to lock it.

“I won’t, don’t worry Kev.”

“Alright, later boooo”

You gave Kevin a smile and a wave and walked down the hall to the elevator to get to your car. You were lucky you didn’t live far from the bakery and your coworkers didn’t ever mind if you were late, they all understood that while whole morning shift was the shift to have, it could be hard getting up in the morning. Your drive to work was quick since there was no traffic that early in the morning and when you parked you saw your coworkers getting out of their cars as well. Perfect timing. You said your hellos to the group as you all walked inside and walked to your stations to start the day. You all shared the big back room of the bakery but all had your own little corners with your things. Your corner you had just started to decorate and you had really started to feel like it was your own cute little corner. You had a dozen random colored aprons from your friends/family that you worked in hung up nicely on the walls, a few pictures of you and the roommates on your summer trip to Rosario last summer, love notes left from Theo and Zoë when they came in and you couldn’t go out to make them their coffees because the back was crazy. It still could use a couple more pictures to fill the space but at the moment it was cute enough for you. You smiled while you put your keys and your purse into your locker underneath it and pulled out your phone to put into your apron when you decided a quick look through your social media’s before starting the shift would be needed. 

Theo had already sent you posts to look at on insta and it seemed like Kevin had mentioned you on twitter before he went to bed when you left. You opened your Instagram after you tied your apron on and low and behold, Tom was on the top of the page. he had the newest Instagram story of everyone you followed.

Guess we’re doing this early, you though in your head. You sighed while you clicked the profile and thought about how you were gonna message him and not seem weird. Hopefully it wasnt a gym selfie or a shirtless picture because that would be too awkward to follow with a message. Hey, I noticed you aren’t wearing a shirt and that I do not know you. Hope you’re doing well.

But it wasn’t a shirtless selfie. He had posted a picture of a very sad looking round of dough in a bowl. “Attempt #3 to this whole baking thing, my pizza dough doesn’t seem to be rising 🤨” he had written underneath it. You clicked to the next slide. Same sad looking round of dough.

“Been two hours, and not any growth. Someone help me 😐” was written in red. Homie was basically begging for your help. This was also a way to sneak in the “hey I dunno you but you added me, no problem to I’ll just let myself out haha🙂” that you were looking for. Realistically, this was your opening for you to casually let the guy know the mistake and roll out looking like a normal human being and help him make pizza. Foolproof. You hit the message button and began to type.

Hey. I think you added me to your close friends list on accident? While I do know how to to make a mean pizza, not sure we know eachother irl haha. As for your dough, if you added yeast to your dough and it’s still not rising, your yeast might be dead 😕 could be expired yeast, or the water you used for the recipe was too hot and killed the yeast. just switch out to warm water instead if that’s the case. Hope It helps!

After reading it a couple times and deciding it didn’t sound too cringe, you sent it.

“There. I did it. Back to our regularly scheduled program.” You told yourself and started your morning setup for the day. As you started to get into the groove of the day time seemed to have a mind of its own and before you knew it, it was time for your lunch break. You were ready for a break after running from the front and back of the house continuously to help with customer service and coffees when needed, and then running back to finish off baking your breakfast items for the day. You had left a water bottle and some leftovers from dinner the day before in the communal lunchrooms fridge and had made your way to the back to get it. Fishing out your phone from your pocket, the screen illuminated and you noticed some notifications pop up. The roommate group text had left a whopping 12 text messages, the apartment had awakened you joked to yourself. Some snapchats from friends and from an ex-boyfriend you weren’t sure you even wanted to open, notifs that your tweet was retweeted a couple times, 2 message notifications from TomHoll-

“OH SHIT!” You yelled as you dropped your food container and almost your phone on the ground. He wrote back. HE WROTE BACK HE WROTE BACK HE WROTE BACK. TWICE?! WHY TWICE?! You wanted to hide, but why it’s not like he could see you through the screen. Why did you out yourself again?! What was the reason you snitched in yourself?! From the notifications details it had looked like he had written you once two hours ago and then another time 46 minutes ago. You wanted to open it but you also wanted to log off of Instagram forever and pretend you weren’t who you were. You screenshotted your notifications just as evidence for yourself that this was really happening and then decided to quit being such a wimp and open the damn messages. There was a green dot on the bottom of his profile picture before you opened his messages. He’s online right now. Great. Totally awesome. He probably sees I’m online too. I’m fucked, you thought in your head. You opened the message convo.

Hey, totally sorry about that, my brother must have added you when he started the group for me, hope my random stories didn’t bother you too much 😅 and thanks for the tips, think it could have been that the water I added was much too hot, maybe fourth times the charm haha. x

and the last message

started over (again) on my dough and added warm (not hot) water instead like you said and I think she’s alive! She seems a bit dry in the bowl but she is growing, so thanks again. I just may have a veggie supreme pizza in my future 😊 x

You were shook. Okay he was a normal person, you knew that. But to write you twice and thank you? And to be so casual about it even though he totally didn’t know you. He was super nice about it and then thanked you like you weren’t snooping on his life for the last 3 weeks. He was much too nice, and he wrote back twice to update you, it seemed rude to not write back now. You double tapped the last message and decided to just keep it to the pizza at hand and keep it short and sweet. Play it COOOL BITCH!

No worries, thought I’d let ya know. You can punch down the dough and spray it with a mist of water, should bring her back to life. Longer you let it proof the more flavor it’ll have, so don’t worry about deflating it. Do put a wet rag over the bowl to help keep your dough moist though, it’ll help it grow if the towel if warm too btw. I wish you luck in getting that (pizza) bread 🍕🍞

“Get that pizza bread? Ugh, why am I like this?” You said as you contemplated telling your roommates. Last time you told them about it they totally did a 180 on what you thought they would say, so maybe this time you should just keep this weird bread conversation with a well known actor to yourself. This was probably the end of it anyways, he’d finish his pizza and go back to not knowing who you were. Though you did worry about if he had sneaked a look at your page when he got your message and seen all of your posts, that you were highly critical of at the moment. A lot of questionable posts now that you though about it. If you were him, you would have clicked on the page almost immediately to get a look at the person snooping on your life.

When he first got the message he was confused as to who it would be, he didn’t recognize the photo or the username. And then he read the message and realized he didn’t recognize it because he did not know this girl.

“Harry you absolute div.” he muttered to himself while he jumped onto her page. Harry had told him he’d make him a close friends list like he had for his page since Tom wasn’t that great at Instagram, and in the process he seemed to have added this girl on accident. He had hoped she wasn’t someone shady and he thought back to some of the things he had recently posted and cringed. There was no new gossip or media info as of late leaking about him in the tabloids so it seemed like this girl didn’t run to press with all of his private stories. He had been drunk one too many times on that close friends group that she could have easily screen recorded and sent out to daily mail or whatever shit tabloid would pay for it.

He scrolled down to look at her pictures.

Cute girl.

American girl, a California girl to be exact. Not LA but San Diego. LA girls were a different breed and a no-no in his experience but this girl wasn’t a LA girl. Her pictures were too casual for that. Picture of her and her friends at a bar, picture of her and her dog walking on the beach, picture of her at what looked to be her job;a bakery. A mirror picture in some badly lighted bar restroom with a friend, both with smiles on their faces and a drink in their hands. She was wearing a a yellow floral wrap summer dress with a pair of wayfarer styled reading glasses. Even in the dingy mirror and the bad bar bathroom lighting she was attractive and seemed laid back. He had already written back to her to say sorry but now here he was on her page looking at her pictures, hoping he didn’t accidentally double tap anything. He had remade his pizza dough the way she suggested and now it was growing, surely it wouldn’t be bad if he wrote to her once more to let her know it worked? He sent another message and tried to work on some emails his publicist had begged him to look into while he messaged Harry on Instagram.

You added a random girl on my close friends list ya div. poor girls probably seen me drunk atleast a handful of times. 😑

Harry immediately typed back.

...but is she cute bruv? send me the username if so, your chance is ruined but I could make a move 👀

He ran a hand through his hair and thought of all the ways to insult his younger brother when the alert of another message came in. She had written back with a corny ‘get that bread joke’ with the emoji and all. He smiled and double tapped her reply. She had a cute personality. He went back to his drying out dough and reworked it as said and followed her instructions once again. He was feeling bold, so he decided to write her again.

Honestly, what would I have done without you today? You saved me with your baking skills and for that I am eternally grateful. Will possibly send you a picture of the final pizza pie once Its finished. 👨🏻‍🍳 x

It immediately had the words ‘seen’ written underneath his message and his eyes widened. She double tapped the message and was writing back, so he quickly jumped out of the message. He didn’t want her to know he was sitting there waiting for a response to his bad lowkey flirting, that would just be embarrassing. Maybe it wasn’t so bad though, that his dumb little brother had accidentally added her, he had thought to himself as her message appeared.

Sounds good Gordon. Or Mr.Ramsey, my apologies.

He smiled when he read the message and you yourself had a smile on your face after sending it. Very cheeky, you thought. You couldn’t help but laugh to yourself about the situation you had just put yourself in. You just had a message conversation with Tom and you actually kept your chill and didn’t make that much of a fool of yourself. He probably couldn’t even tell you were having a mental breakdown from him writing to you. As you got back into the groove of work it seemed as though the rest of your work shift went by just as quick as the beginning of the day from how busy the bakery had been, and now you had just cleaned up and hopped back into your car to go home. Theo had texted you asking what you wanted for dinner and you had just texted him back when you got an another message alert from your phone. It was a picture. It was his finished produced, all baked and pretty, veggie supreme like he had said. It looked as though he has even brushed the crust with olive oil, bonus points for that. 

“The finished product, tastes as good as she looks 🍕🤤” he had sent to you. Just you. Tastes....as good as she looks.....LOL.

“You could say that again Spidey.” You said while you put your seatbelt on and turned on your car. You liked the picture and saw he had yet another story on his page. You clicked it. It was a boomerang of him pulling a slice from the whole pie to bring to his mouth, a picture worthy melty cheese stretch and all combined with him looking just as good as the pizza. “Call me Gordon👨🏻‍🍳🍕” it was captioned. It was posted on his close friends list this time and you couldn’t help but notice, you were still on that list.

[unmanageable-day]

Meet Ha Sungwoon

Yuri spent the rest of her day wandering around Insa-dong, where her best friend, Jimin, told her he will meet her there after his routine finished. She couldn't even say no to this sweet, kind guy who always exudes positive and bright aura with his eye smile. Everyone, including Yuri herself some times just didn't understand why Yuri and Jimin couldn't be together as a couple. She just didn't feel it, she said long time ago. And so did Jimin feel about this girl with complete criteria just like his ideal type. Then both of them realized that the concept of ideal type is actually flexible in real life. Tired of walking around without any destination, Yuri chose a coffee shop with mini library to relax while waiting for Jimin to show up. She also sent a text to him and got no reply until the next 15 minutes. He usually replies back in no time, as if his phone got stuck in his hand. She tried to call him too, but still got no answer.

Her lips pouted. She put her phone back to the beige satchel bag she was carrying while sighing in annoyance. It had been 30 minutes since she tried to read a random novel book she picked, yet she couldn't concentrate because her best friend was somewhere she didn't know. Probably he was still teaching in his dancing class at one of his studios (he had like maybe 5 studios in Seoul). Or maybe he was already on his way to Insa-dong. Or maybe Taehyung, Jimin's bestfriend too, kidnapped him. After finally succeeding reading 3 pages of that novel titled Behold the Dreamers, her single-lid big eyes caught this figure that she had no doubt who he was. Yuri immediately got up from her seat to approach him. A friendly slap on the shoulder just landed on this guy with all black outfit. "Ya! Where have you been? I've been waiting-" she stopped as he turned his head to her surprise. How on earth?! He is not Jimin, but looks like Jimin. A lot. "Oh. My. Gosh," Yuri gasped. "I am very sorry. I'm really sorry. You look like my friend. I'm sorry." She panicked and bowed to him several times. This Jimin looking like guy flashed a smile. A smile that even reminded her of Jimin too. One thing that caught her attention instantly was his lips. Thicker than Jimin's, but as plump as Jimin's. Even more luscious. "It's okay. I get that a lot." Yuri bowed again, still apologizing before she decided to set off from that cafe. She rushed walking out, abruptly took her phone out of her bag and searched for Jimin's contact. Jimin would need his ears all open for the rants coming out of Yuri's mouth. ◎ 3 weeks had passed and Jimin invited Yuri to come to his house, celebrating his 5th year as a dance teacher and senior coreographer. Of course she said yes. She even prepared a customized speaker shaped like a dancing silhouette as a gift. Yuri was welcomed by Taehyung when she arrived at Jimin's house. There were not many guests, probably around 10 people in total. Yuri went straight to the kitchen where Taehyung said Jimin was in. "Ji~min~ah~" Stomping towards the kitchen, she sang as she put both her hands on the guy's shoulder with intention to surprise him. And like deja vu, Yuri had to find herself beyond shocked when she realized it was not Jimin again. It was the guy from the cafe before. Jimin innocently appeared behind her and greeted his best friend who was still in shocked state. "Hi, but I'm Jimin?" Then he just got a smack from Yuri. Yuri was so close to death from being embarrassed. She could feel her face was burning red everytime Jimin brought up about how she mistook this particular person for him. Two times. And the climax was the truth that he was Jimin's friend as well. "Anyway, Yuri, this is my friend. His name is Ha Sungwoon." Jimin stood up between this Sungwoon guy and Yuri, resting his hands on both Sungwoon's and Yuri's shoulder. "Sungwoon, this is Im Yuri, my friend since elementary school." "Hello," Yuri greeted, bowing 90 degree to Sungwoon. "I'm terribly sorry for mistaking you again." The natural reddish blush on her face still hadn't faded away. Who knows such a thing could happen. "Hi. It's fine." Sungwoon let out a little chuckle. "I hope we could meet often in the future. It might help you to tell which is Jimin and which is Sungwoon." Yuri was still lost at words. She was too shy after what happened. Meanwhile Jimin only laughed it off, giving his friends some loving pats on the shoulder and said, "So, all is good, right? Get along, you two." ◎ Ever since then, Yuri was being more cautious every time she saw someone who looks like Jimin. Especially when she was about to meet him. Besides, she felt like she bumped into Sungwoon quite often these days. Her natural reaction was to run away before Sungwoon noticed her. But having Jimin as mutual friends eventually would make them meet again.

Like today. Yuri was dragged out of her apartment by Jimin this morning. He said to accompany him, being his plus one at an acquaintance's wedding, where Sungwoon would be there to sing for the bride. Yuri, again, lost at words. She even got stoned for a moment that Jimin had to 'help' her to choose the dress to wear and pick out some make up stuff with shades that matches the dress. Yuri must say he does have a good taste. When she came out from the bathroom she already found a knee-length, peach colored, sleeveless dress on her bed, along with flower shaped necklace and simple earrings. "You owe me one," Yuri said as she tied her hair into a bun. Jimin chuckled. They just arrived at the venue and Sungwoon was already standing by the entrance of the hall. He waved at Yuri and Jimin with a wide smile on his face. Yuri could feel her cheeks heating up and she started to rant in her mind about why she agreed on accompanying Jimin. "Yuri, hi~" Sungwoon cheerfully greeted her. Yuri awkwardly smiled back and bowed to him. She hurriedly followed Jimin to find their seats after Sungwoon excused himself to prepare his stage. "Let's bet, you're gonna fall for Sungwoon right after you hear him singing," Jimin whispered in her ear when all the guests were in awe appreciating the moment of the groom kissing the bride. Yuri only gave him a piercing gaze in annoyance. But Jimin was right. Her ears were spoiled by the sweet and emotional voice of Sungwoon who sang whole-heartedly. That made her can't stop looking at him. And of course Jimin caught her. "You owe me one?" He grinned mischievously. "No, I don't," she quickly denied. After singing 3 songs, Sungwoon joined them outside the hall. Yuri spent most of her time in silence being out of the loop meanwhile the 2 boys were chattering excitedly. Until one of them finally left for a drink. And the other one was left in an awkward silence with Yuri. "So, Yuri, you've been friends with Jimin for a pretty long time, yeah?" Sungwoon started the conversation. "Well, yeah, I guess so." Another awkward silence. Sungwoon's eyes started to wander around. Jimin also didn't seem to be coming back any sooner. "Do I look like Jimin that much?" He finally brought this up again. Yuri covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. "Yes, you do," she answered as she fanned herself using her hand. "But now that I see you both at the same time, I guess, not really?" Sungwoon's smile got wider. "Yeah?" "Jimin has this cute and innocent look. And you are... more manly, I guess?" Yuri couldn't believe herself she just said that. She let out an awkward giggle. Sungwoon blushed instantly and also let out an awkward laugh. "Anyway, is it okay if I ask you out some time?" "Eh?" Yuri couldn't believe her ears. Sungwoon bent down his head, groggily scratching the back of his head. "Ah, it's just.. I'm wondering if it's okay if I ask you out some time." Yuri gulped. Her lips was pursed. She slowly nodded and said, "Yeah, sure." Hopefully the peach shade on her cheeks was able to disguise her real blushing. ◎ Jimin had been teasing Yuri all night long until the following day once he knew Sungwoon asked her to watch a concert. Jimin got himself very excited that he wanted to devote himself as a stylist for both Yuri and Sungwoon. Yuri herself almost blocked Jimin from her contact because he was being too noisy. This time Yuri refused Jimin's offering to help her styled up. She decided to keep it simple and comfortable: black shirt, broken white cropped pants, and 3cm heeled black suede shoes. Surprisingly Sungwoon wore matching outfit like hers. This successfully made her blushed. Thanks to Sungwoon's extra ordinary choice of concert - acapella group concert - Yuri really enjoyed every single second that she finally could relax and be her true self around Sungwoon. He was glad he bought one extra ticket when he ordered it long time ago, and not giving it to Jimin. "The concert was super great. Thank you," Yuri happily told him. "Oh, no, I thank you." Sungwoon beamed. "Let's have dinner?" Yuri nodded and followed him from behind. It seemed now he didn't look like Jimin that much. Except his height. Both of them had this tiny giant concept. And Yuri found it cute that her lips curved into a slight smile without her realizing it. "Ah, I'm hungry.." Yuri talked to the menu book as her eyes got busy scanning all the menu and her hands kept on turning the pages. Sitting before her, Sungwoon's eyes were locked on Yuri's face instead of the menu book he was holding tightly. How he admired her that probably his eyes were able to shoot little hearts. "Hey, I've been wondering," Sungwoon suddenly talked. Yuri turned her head up at him. "Are you... and Jimin, perhaps..." "Oh my gosh, no." She quickly cut him as if she knew what he is going to say. "I've been with him for a quite long time, and maybe I know him better than I know myself. But, no, we don't have that kind of relationship." Sungwoon's mouth shaped an O while nodding. A grin grew on his lips. They came back to their menu and ordered the food. "Can I be honest with you?" He groggily asked, and got a nod from Yuri. "Actually I've been wanting to get to know you since... well, since Jimin showed me your photos." Yuri squinted her eyes, not so sure what he meant by that. "He brags about you a lot," Sungwoon continued. "That's why I asked you, if there's something going on between you guys." How unexpectedly nice of Jimin, she thought. Who would have thought he would do that. And to meet Jimin's doppelganger like this, it was not a bad thing after all. Maybe she did owe her best friend one. Yuri cleared her throat. Now she was getting nervous. "Well, I had no idea Jimin ever did that. I thought I'm gonna be single forever because he always acts like my guardian." Yuri let out a sigh while rolling her eyes. "A little bit too much," she added. "So... that's why I'd like to promote myself to be your guardian. Your supporter. Maybe, your personal entertainer, singer, dancer, even comedian." Sungwoon wore his smile as he talked firmly, quite ambitiously, and pretty persuasive actually with his modest amount of confidence. "Basically be your partner. 24 hours per day. 7 days per week." Yuri could feel her jaw almost dropped if she didn't have her hands to support her chin. She used her fingers to cover half of her face, at least her blushing cheeks. "How's my offering?" He pierced his eyes into hers. "I get to know you better, and you get an extra guard who can entertain you and will be there for you when needed." Yuri got speechless. How she hated Jimin for being right. "Well.. how do I say this..." Sungwoon chuckled. "Okay, I'll make it short." Sungwoon cleared his throat before continuing. "I, Ha Sungwoon, am asking you, Im Yuri, to walk the path ahead, hopefully a beautiful and flowery path, by my side and have a journey with me. I will take care of you, guard you, and always try to make you happy. So, may I have your answer, yes or no?" Still covering half of her face, from the nose down, Yuri secretly smiled. Her heart raced due to happiness.

Hello, there! This is my second time posting fanfiction on tumblr. I usually post on AFF under the name joyful_joy (https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1051231).

[horansqueen]

Fratboy!Niall oneshot (smut)

- yea, took me MONTHS, im aware - 3.5k - written from Y/N’s pov - can’t find a title. sue me. - SMUT. just in case you didnt see. - i don’t find this that bad but i prefer to warn ppl, name calling, dirty talking, blablabla. - i didnt proofread. i never proofread. i hate to proofread. - feedbacks? likes? reblogs? comments? asks? PLEASE? :) - IMPORTANT: read what i wrote at the end in bold! 

FRATBOY!NIALL ONESHOT SMUT

My eyes scanned the room as i tried to make my way through the mob of people. The music was too loud, the amount of drunk fratboys was so high just getting in that house felt dangerous in itself. I still follow a few of my friends until the kitchen and we quickly grab something to drink before to reach the large living room.

The fraternity house was ridiculously big with two levels, way too many rooms and an immense backyard with a pool right in the middle. We started dancing and drinking and after my third drink, my best friend nudge my side and i grimaced before to turn to her. She sent me a smirked and moved her chin, pointing behind me.

"Look who's here Y/N, your favorite fratboy."

My friends started laughing as i turned around and noticed Niall Horan. The sight of him so close made me grimace and groan at the same time. Niall really had this effect on me and it always bothered me. There was no one cockier than this little shit and most of the time, i had to stop myself from slapping him. He noticed me and i sighed, turning around quickly to my friends.

"Please, make him go away."

They all started to laugh again but did nothing when the little fucker pushed himself against me, pressing his crotch on my ass. I felt him breathe near my neck and tried to hide the shiver that ran up my spine.

"Hey babe, missed me?" he whispered in my ear, pressing himself harder, hard enough for me to feel his slightly erected cock press against my ass. "I need some help and your lips seem perfect for the task."

I moved away quickly and turned around, sending him a disgusted face. He only replied with a smirk and there was nothing I wanted more than to steal his glasses and stomp on them repeatedly. He didn't even need them anyway, he just used them aesthetically, to look sexy or smarter and i groaned low again knowing it totally worked.

"Never. In a thousand years." I promised, crossing my arms on my chest. "Get it?"

He glanced at my friends then back at me, taking a step closer and bending down.

"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep." he breathed again before to smirk at me and turn around to leave.

I hated how arrogant he was yet i couldn't say he was lying. My head and my heart wanted nothing to do with him, but my vagina had an other opinion, and it talked loud and clear. If i didn't have so much pride, and if he would finally shut up, i probably would let him fuck me senseless until i can't walk. But I was never gonna admit that to him.

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do." i let out. "You know nothing about me."

Niall turned around to face me again and took a few steps my way. He raised his eyebrows and his lips curled into a smirk as his friends let out a few mocking 'ohhh's and laughs. I stood there, looking at him straight in the eyes, trying to prove to him that i was serious. My eyes became smaller and i tilted my head. I noticed his eyes dropping to my lips and even if i didn't want it to, it turned me on slightly. The thought of Niall Horan wanting me was quite flattering but not enough to give him something he could brag about tomorrow.

"Oh i know more than you think." he whispered so only me could hear.

His words took me by surprise and i moved my chin up lightly, crossing my arms on my chest.

"Fuck you, Horan."

I felt someone take my arm and pull me back but i kept our eyes locked until an other hand dragged me back. I followed my friends away but sent Niall one last glare over my shoulder, pissed that he still had a smirk on his face.

We started drinking and dancing together and i was slowly getting tipsy. At the end of a song, I left my friends to find a bathroom and ended up on the second floor, waiting in line.  My phone beeped and i looked at the text message i received before to make a grimace.

'You look so good, I dream of my cock in your mouth.'

I didn't even have to check the number, I knew it's Niall, and once again, I regreted ever giving him my phone number. I glanced at the "asshole" written where his name should be and chuckle but quickly lost my smile, hoping he didn't think i smiled at his message.

'Never putting that small thing in my mouth, loser.'

I wanted to look around to see where he was but i didnt't dare and when the last person walked out of the bathroom, i quickly walked in and locked the door. After I was done, i took the time to look at myself in the mirror and grimaced at my reflection. I put on more lipsticks and tilted my head, analyzing my features. Breathing in deeply, i opened the door and jumped a little, bringing my hand to my chest as my heart skipped a beat. He was leaning against the frame, looking at me with the same smirk and i sighed loud, putting my hands on my waist.

"Let me out."

"I promise i won't tell anyone."

I held my breathe, staring at him, feeling my inhibitions leave slowly as the alcohol intoxicated me more and more.

"If you don't, i'll say even worse things about what we did."

He took a step closer and i took a one back, raising my eyebrows.

"You're such an asshole."

He kept staring at me as he pushed on the door with his feet, closing it behind himself. I glanced at it before to look back in his eyes and frown.

"You're not gonna force me,  are you."

He chuckles and rolls his eyes at me.

"I never had to force a girl and i'm not gonna start tonight." he pointed out, making me a little angry at his cockiness. "You're free to leave whenever you want. But if you want me, even just sexually, i think you should act on it."

We looked at each other and i felt something inside, something impulsive, something that made me want to do anything and everything he'd want to me.

"If you tell this to anyone, I'll..."

"Deny everything?" he cut me, raising his eyebrows with a smirk.

I chuckled and shook my head. "No, i'll tell everyone you have a very small dick."

He smirked more and licked his lips, glancing again at mine. I felt frozen in place, waiting for his hands to run on me, for his lips to kiss me, for him to just take me, but instead, he waited. He wanted me to make the first step and it was annoyed me because i knew it was all about winning. I moved past him slowly, making him turn around with a frown, and i locked the door, turning again to lean against it. I tilted my head and it was my time to smirk.

"Tell me what you think about when you think about me." i asked low, a mischievous smile still spread on my lips. "How would you want to use me?"

He looked at me slightly surprised by my behavior and probably also my words but he took a step closer and put his hands against the door on each side of my head.

"I want to fuck those lips." he whispered, making my inner thighs throb. "I want to feel them around my cock. I want to feel your tongue run on it and i want you to suck me hard."

My lips parted and i stared in his eyes, trying to imagine the expressions and the sounds hed make if i sucked him dry and i moved my tongue slowly on my bottom lip. He glanced at it and i could swear i heard a low groan coming out of his mouth.

"Maybe you'll get what you want." I whispered, looking straight into his eyes.

He bent down slowly but i stopped him, my hand pressed on his chest, shaking my head.

"No kissing. You're not my boyfriend."

He chuckled still staring at me and i could feel his warm breath on my cheek, turning me on even more. I wanted to kiss him but somehow i wanted to prove that even if i wanted him to use me, I was the one in charge. I was the one who decided what he could and couldn't do, and what he would and wouldn't get.

"Alright pet, what do I have the right to do then?"

He was clearly amused and i couldn't blame him. I was enjoying this game probably even more than him. I let my hand slide on his chest and down to his pants, unbuttoning them slowly, still staring at him.

"Here's what you're allowed to do." I started, tilting my head.  "You're allowed to grab my hair, fuck my face and cum wherever you want."

I felt his cock twitch against my palm and my smirk grew. "That seems to be something you really want." I pointed out with an other chuckle. "Oh, and i'm not getting naked."

I saw him grimace and he glanced down. "In your underwear?"

I thought for a few seconds and finally nodded. "Alright, deal."

He took a step back and i shook my head with a smile at how impatient he was. I took my shirt off and quickly stepped out of my jeans as he took a few seconds to study me.

"I wish I could see more." he admitted, his eyes still running over my body before i grabbed the front of his shirt and brought him closer.

"Not today."

His eyes moved down and he ran one of his fingers on the top of my bra, tracing the outline before i slapped his hand. "I never said you could touch."

Looking up in my eyes, he moved his hand away and let it fall on his side with an exagerated sigh. I brought my hand back to the front of his pants and his face changed again.

"How hard?" he just asked as I took his dick out, stroking it gently.

"As hard as you want." i murmured.

He nodded slowly, still staring at me, but his smile had completely left. His look was hard and dominating and i was pretty sure it was not the first time he did something like that. He brushed one of his fingers on my shoulder and raised his eyebrows, moving his chin slightly.

"I hope for you that you won't regret this, petal."

I was going to answer but he quickly let go of my shoulder to grip my hair, pulling on it hard and making my head jerk back roughly. I held my breath as my whole body started to throb. He brought his face close to mine and i whimpered low. It made him smirk again and he moved his lips to my neck.

"On your knees." he ordered in a whisper right before to bite the skin of my neck harder than i thought he would.

It made an other whine escape my lips as he pulled my head down still using my hair. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt and i realized I was already horny when i fell on my knees in front of his half-erected cock. I stared at it and my lips parted lightly, wondering what it would feel like to have it in my mouth but he quickly took me out of my day dream.

"Open your mouth like a good little slut, I know you want to suck on it."

I was going to protest, pointing out the name calling was not part of our deal, but he pulled on my hair harder, making me look up as he bent down.

"The only reason for you to open your fucking mouth is so i can fuck your face." he explained in a husky voice. "I don't want to hear any word. Just the sound of you choking on my cock."

I felt my heart beat hard in my chest as i nodded, hyponotized by his words and the way he had changed. He was never the good boy but the sassy boy i thought i knew had turned into a rough man that knew exactly what he wanted. It was such a turn on that i caught myself thinking i was going to do everything he wanted me to do, no matter what it was. I was ready for him.

"The good little girl is going to turn into a good little whore."

His words made a shiver run up my spine and he brought my face back to his cock. He didn't have to ask again, I grabbed it and slipped it on my tongue, pulling his foreskin down to suck on his tip. His hand was still in my hair and he groaned at the contact of my lips on his dick. The whole thing excited me so bad i could feel myself drip in my panties. I desesperately wanted to slip one of my hands between my legs but i didn't want him to know how wet i was for him.

I kept sucking his cock, taking almost all of it in my mouth, as my hands stroked him in motion with my lips. After a few minutes, he pulled my head away and brought my head even closer.

"Give my balls some attention." he instructed me, making me hold my breath again.

My eyes ran on his hard dick and i hated myself for loving it so much. I wanted it so much i'd let him put it anywhere he wanted. My eyes stopped at his balls and i stuck my tongue out, running it on them slowly until he pushed my head more. I understood the message and wrapped my lips around one, sucking on it before to do the same to the other.

"Mm, shit, those lips work even better than i imagined." he admitted with a low moan.

I looked up and saw him let his head fall back slightly, his eyes closed, and it brought a sensation of victory inside me, making me wonder how good it would feel to make him cum. His hand moved in my hair and he gripped it tighter, making me whimper. It was a mix of pain and pleasure and i felt my inner thigh throb harder.

"Let's see how wet that made you."

I stopped breathing when he bent down and slipped his hand in my panties. I tried to remember if i gave him the permission to do that but i couldn't think straight. I hated myself for craving his touch that bad.

"You're fucking soaked."

The tip of his finger pressed on my clit gently and i let out a louder moan.

"This makes me even harder than I already was." he confessed as his finger slipped on my slit a few times before to focus back on my clit.

He took his hand out of my panties and i felt my heart drop, thinking he had stopped touching me but he brought his finger to his lips and sucked on it as i gazed at him intensely. He didn't say anything but brought his hand back down, sliding it back between my legs, this time running three of his fingers on my dripping core.

"Fuck I wish I could take care of that." he let out again in a low tone, making me squirm every time his fingers brushed against my clit.

I was speechless even though I wanted to beg him to make me cum and he finally moved his hand even, making me whimper in protest. He grabbed his dick with his wet hand and started jerking himself with my wetness as i watched him.

"Now that I know how much you love my dick, i'm gonna fuck your mouth and make you gag on it." he paused for a few seconds. "Open wide."

I felt my heart jump in my chest but he didn't give me time to answer. I felt the tip of his wet dick against my lips and instinctively opened my mouth. He quickly pushed it inside my mouth and i gagged lightly when it hit the back of my throat.

"Fuck..."

He pulled back and I breathed deeply, waiting for his next move. Without warning, he pushed it back all the way in my mouth but this time i didn't choke and he started going back and forth, almost gently at first but rougher with every thrust. He changed the pace of his movements and finally used my head against his cock, moving it in motion with his thrusts. I loved the way he was using me and i could feel myself close to an orgasm without even touching myself. Subtly, I brought my hand between my legs, over my panties, and brushed a finger on my clit. Niall glanced down and noticed what i was doing. I thought it was going to make him smirk but instead, his mouth opened and he panted before to moan. He pulled on my hair again, making my head move back and grabbed his dick, stroking it quickly a few seconds before to reach an orgasm. I felt his cum squirt on my cheeks and closed my eyes, sticking my tongue out. I wanted to know how he tasted and a few drops ended on my tongue as most of it landed on my forehead and my chin, dripping down on my neck.

"Fuck, you look so fucking good like that, pet." he expresseed, looking down at me. "Now clean me."

I watched a drop come out of his tip and ran my tongue quickly on it before sliding it down until his base and coming back up. I wrapped my lips around his tip and sucked hard, making him i didn't waste any and he groaned.

"Get up." he just ordered again, pulling on my hair.

I did as i was told and he pushed me against the door, his fingers pressed gently on my throat.

"Don't move."

He stared at me, his eyes roaming on my face, probably enjoying the sight of my face covered with his cum, as his other hand pushed my wet panties aside. He rubbed my clit softly but quickly and shook his head.

"I want to watch you cum." he whispered.

That's all it took. I felt a wave of pleasure cross my body and making my legs shake slightly. My knees went weak but i got to hold myself as i closed my eyes and let out a few curse words louder than i intended. It felt amazing and i never wanted it to stop as he kept touching me through my orgasm.

"Mm you did very good, petal." he told as i was panting.

He moved both his hands away and i breathed in and out deeply.

"I wish you didn't have to clean your face."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, reaching the sink and turning the water on. I threw some in my face and rubbed my cheeks, looking at him in the mirror. He had zipped his pants back and was staring at me.

"I'm gonna fuck you against the wall."

His words made me laugh and I frowned at him.

"No you won't. We're done, Horan."

He looked at me until I was completely dressed and cleaned and I walked up to him. I don't know how long we stayed in silence, our eyes stuck on each other's, but the only thing I could hear were the beatings of my heart against my rib cage. He reached for my cheeks and cupped my face, taking a step closer. I smiled as he bent down and felt his lips brush against mine. It gave me a rush but I pulled away with a laugh.

"Nice try."

Quickly, I unlocked the door and he just grabbed my arm, making me turn around to face him. He was so hot, even more than usual. His eyes sparkled, as cheesy as it sounded, and his cheeks were a pale shade of red because of the orgasm.

"Did we switch millenium?" he asked with a smirk, making me frown. "You said never in a million years, didn't you?"

I grimaced and flipped him off before to move past him to leave.

"Bye Y/N, i'll see you around!"

"Maybe."

NOTE: im going to write a part 2 from HIS pov where he eats her out. now my question, should she be his SUB again, or should she DOM him? please message me!