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thewalkingdead-fan101 · 4 years

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In This Hell Daryl Dixon x Reader part 8/??

Hey guys! I’m so excited to post part 8! I’m sorry about such a large gap in between parts, I'm currently trying to figure out a schedule for posting parts. I hope you're all safe and well. Thank you for being patient and so lovely!

Warnings- Slow burn, Light smut?, General Walking Dead stuff, Blood, Gore, Swearing, Shane being sus.

The drive home seemed shorter than the drive there, passing the familiar mailboxes and other run down buildings.

The minute we arrived back, Shane left to speak with Rick, furthering their search for Sophia.

I started grabbing the Medical supplies that we had found scattered throughout the houses and took them into the farm house.

I knocked on the wooden doorframe, waiting for someone to answer, Patricia’s head popping around the corner.

“Good morning (Y/n).” “Morning, I just thought that since we’re all low on supplies that I would bring you some stuff. Shane and I went out this morning and came across all of this medical stuff, even found a full first aid kit.” I chuckled as she opened the door, stepping aside for me.

“Oh thank you, just sit it all on the dining table.” She smiled, grabbing one of the bags from me, leading the way through the house into the dining room.

“Did you guys find much?” “We found some things, a bunch of medical stuff as you can see, some food, which is in that green bad, and some gardening stuff that ill take out to the barn now.” I smiled.

“No!” She paused, my head turning to look at her. She cleared her throat before continuing.

“Don’t take them to the barn.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but not before she cut me off again.

“It’s too far from the house, not to mention the barn needs some repairs. I’d feel absolutely horrible if I let you go up there and get hurt. We have a little garden shed out back I can put them in.” She stated, walking with me to the car, grabbing the equipment out, briefly making eye contact and sharing a soft smile.

“Are you sure? I honestly don’t mind.”

“I’m sure, now it’s best if you go sit down for a bit.”

“Pat-“

“Go on, get away.” She swatted softly.

I shook my head as I backed away.

“It’s hardly fair that you guys do everything around here.” I try to argue.

“If you doing nothing around here protects gods little miracle, I do not mind. Now, go sit down and relax for a couple of hours.” She gave me a warning glare that had reminded me of my 5th grade teacher Ms. Gabel.

“Yes Ma’am.” I nodded, turning away from her and made my way towards the RV.

As the majority of the group were discussing the upcoming gun practice at the rear of the RV, I noticed Carl and Shane talking.

Shane looked Carl up and down, as if questioning him, and nodded his head.

I noticed the small movement and my breath stopped.

He had slightly raised his shirt, Shane’s eyes doubling in size.

And that’s when it hit me.

This is a new world we live in.

A world in which to survive we have to fight.

Fight for yourself, your friends, your family, your people.

Shane barely even blinked.

I picked up speed, my legs carrying me as fast as they could to the RV.

“Give me that now.” Shane firmly stated.

Once the gun was handed to Shane, he stormed off to the others, no doubt taking it to Rick.

Carl stood, staring at the ground.

“Hey, Carl..” I spoke softly, placing my hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s sit down, you can talk to me.”

He nodded his head as he walked with me to where the camping chairs were set out.

I took the seat next to him, slightly turning to face him. “What was that about?” “What?” “Carl.. why did you have a gun.” “I just wanted to help..” “I understand, but guns are dangerous.. You shouldn’t have had it.” “I know.” “You do know that your parents are going to flip?.”

He nodded his head and resumed staring at the dirt beneath his feet.

I looked up to see Shane, Dale and Rick staring at Carl, making their way to the boy.

“(Y/n), can you get Lori for me? We need to speak to Carl.” Rick asked, nodding in my direction.

“Yeah.. of course.” I nodded, turning and starting the search for Lori.

The first place I had checked, the fire pit where she and Glenn were earlier showed no results.

I made my way to where the chicken coop was, to be met with the clucking of the hens, but again no Lori.

I checked her tent, to see her sitting on the mattress, head in her hands.

“Hey.” I spoke, moving the door to the side.

“Oh, Hey Honey.” She smiled. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, Im fine, just a little tired. Whats up?”

“It’s Carl.”

She stood quickly, worry present in her eyes.

“What? What’s wrong? Where is my boy?”

“He is okay, he isn’t hurt.. Rick asked me to come get you..” “What? Rick asked you to get me? Whats going on?” “Carl had a gun.”

Her eyes widened, her left hand going to her mouth.

“Oh God… im going to be sick.” She shook her head

She paused briefly.

“Where are they?”

“”They’re at the RV.”

“Let’s go.” She stated, grabbing my wrist and dragging me behind her.

She cleared the distance between the tents and the RV in no time.

Letting my wrist go when she got within earshot of everyone, walking straight over to Carl, taking the gun from Shane and showing it to Carl.

“Where did you get this?” She asked sternly as she kneeled in front of the boy.

She waited for an answer.

“Carl Grimes. You answer me.”

She stood up, turning to us.

“How the hell did this happen?” She asked, tucking the gun into the back of her jeans.

“Well, It's my fault.” Dale began, slightly pausing as Lori’s attention snapped to the older man.

“I let him into the RV. He said he wanted a walkie, that you sent him for one.” Dale continued.

“So on top of everything else, he lied.” She began.

“What was he thinking?”

“He wants to learn how to shoot. He asked me to teach him.” Shane started, earning an ice filled glare from Lori.

“Now It's none of my business, but I'm happy to do it. It's your call.” He nodded, sensing the tension.

“I'm not comfortable with it.” Lori looked towards Rick, who tried to avert his gaze.

“Oh, don't make me out to be the unreasonable one here. Rick?”

“I know. I have my concerns too, but-“

“There's no but. He was just shot. He's just back on his feet and he wants a gun?”

“Better than him being afraid of 'em. There are guns in camp for a reason. He should learn to handle them safely.” Rick responded to his wife’s worries.

“I don't want my kid walking around with a gun.” She shook her head.

“But how can you defend that? You can't let him go around without protection.”

“He is as safe as he'll ever be right now.” She started.

“Look, everything you're saying makes perfect sense. It feels wrong. I mean I didn't feel good about him following you out into the woods. And I wish I'd said something. I should've gone with my gut.” She argued.

“He's growing up, thank god. We've got to start treating him more like an adult.” Rick tried to reason.

“Then he needs to act like one. He's not mature enough to handle a gun.”

“I'm not gonna play with it, mom. It's not a toy. I'm sorry I disappointed you, but I want to look for Sophia and I want to defend our camp. I can't do that without a gun.” Carl stood and walked toward us.

“Shane's the best instructor I know. I've seen him teach kids younger than Carl.”

“He will be with Shane. He loves that boy and wouldn’t let him get hurt.”

Lori looked at me and I could tell that even though the thought of Carl having this gun terrifies her, but him not having one in this world terrifies her even more.

She waited a few moments and walked to Carl, resting her hand under his chin, making him look up at her.

“You will take this seriously and you will behave responsibly. And if I hear from anyone in this camp that you're not living up to our expectations-“

“He won't let you down.” Rick stated clearly behind her.

Carl nodded at Rick and answered with a “yeah.”

The sound of the old blue truck pulled up next to us, Beth, Patricia and Jimmy all inside.

“Now if you're gonna do this, you listen to Shane.”

“Okay, dad.”

“All right? You two be careful.” Rick pointed at Shane and Carl.

“You coming?” Shane asked Glenn.

Glenn shook his head.

“I gotta help Dale clean the spark plugs on the RV. He said he's gonna teach me mechanics. I should probably go look for him.”

“You found me.” Dale called out from two metres behind him, startling Glenn.

Shane nodded and got in the car, starting it.

“He's a good learner.” Dale called out.

I moved towards the car, getting in with Shane, watching as Lori, Rick, Carol, Carl and Andrea piled into the Cherokee.

T-dog jumping in wi†h Shane and I, as we made our way to a neighbouring farm’s paddock, distancing the gunshots from the Greene farm.

The sound of breaking glass, and the metallic ricochet of bullets hitting the tins and bottles that were sitting in a perfect row on the boundary fence line.

The loud echoes of the gunshots leaving my ears ringing, the slight scent of gunpowder present in the air.

Rick and Shane pacing behind us all, ensuring that we were all practicing gun safety.

T-dog, partnered with Jimmy, who needs as much help as he can get.

Jimmy was holding his gun as if he had just come from a bad adaption of a 90’s gangsta movie.

“Hey, come on, man. Don't give me that gangsta shit.” T-dog stated.

Jimmy, stood up, straightening his posture, moving his free hand to help support the gun, shooting and finally hitting his target.

His face lighting up as if he had just won an award, a participation award, but an award none the less.

Shane gave him a pat on the back as he passed him.

“Did you see that? I hit it!” He exclaimed turning to T.

I watched as my brother zoned in on Andrea, stopping next to her and looking to where she was shooting, through his binoculars.

Helping her change her posture before letting her shoot again, which she hit the target perfectly.

Shane and Rick shared a laugh, and some small talk before continuing the pacing.

Lori was planted a metre behind Carl, watching him shoot, hitting the tin off the fence.

“Got it.” Carl smiled widely.

“That's a great shot!” Rick smiled back at him.

I look over to where Beth was aiming at her target, slightly missing it.

“Hey.” “Oh hey.” “Would you like some help?” “Um, I think im not doing it right.” “Oh, no, it’s fine, here.”

I moved to where she was and helped position her arms.

“Dont be scared, of the gun. You’re in control.” I paused.

“Just breathe, take your time. There’s nothing to be nervous about.”

She visibly relaxed and pulled the trigger, the glass bottle exploding.

I looked over to see her eyes closed.

“Beth. You did it. You hit the bottle.” “What? I did?” She asked opening her eyes and looking to where the bottle once sat.

“I hit it! I actually hit it!” She beamed.

“Thank you!” She jumped on me, hugging me tightly.

“You’re welcome.” I laughed.

“What about you (Y/n)? You a good shot?” Rick asked.

“I was once.” I nodded.

“She had the best teacher.” Shane smiled.

“Yeah. Grandma.” I jeered.

“Oh really? Mind showing us?” Lori laughed. “No-“ “She wasn’t the strongest shooter, she probably forgot.” Shane shook his head laughing.

I grabbed the gun from Shane’s holster and shot three targets in a row, the sound of shattering glass echoing beyond the gun.

“Where’d that come from?” Shane asked as I handed him the gun back. “I told you. Grandma.” I smiled as Lori held in a small chuckle.

“Yeah, Yeah. Let’s go then.” Shane shook his head.

“Sure showed him.” Lori chuckled.

“Shane needs to be put in his place. I never had a strong shooting arm when I was a kid. Shane never tried to teach me after he realised. Grandma took it upon herself to teach me. Always said that a woman should always know how to defend herself.” “Well, your grandma was a smart woman.” Rick smiled, leading his wife and son to the car.

Everyone following in pursuit, getting into the same vehicles that had transported them from the Greene farm.

I got in the car, and looked at Shane.

“Is there any other things that Grandma showed you?”

“The secret recipe of her butternut squash pie.”

“Is that all?” He laughed.

“Yeah.. yeah I think thats pretty much it.”

“That pie sounds good right about now.” T-dog chuckled.

“Maybe Hershel might let me commandeer the kitchen.”

Shane had pulled the car over.

T-dog, jumping straight out in search for Dale and Glenn.

“Get out.” “What?” “Get out. Andrea and I are going for some more target practice.” “Oh is that what we’re calling it now? Target practice?” “Shut it. Now get out.”

“Alright. But please please please make sure that you wrap it before you tap it.” “(Y/n)-“

“No glove, no love.” “Seriously-“

“Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel.” “What does that one even mean?”

“If im being honest I don’t even know. But It’s on the same line as the others.”

“Seriously get out now.”

“Alright, alright. Calm down.” I raised my hands and opened the door, sliding out and closing it, putting my head through the open window. “Shane.” “What?”

“Love is cleaner with a packaged Weiner.” I laughed.

“Goodbye.” He muttered through his teeth.

I took a step back from the car, watching as he moved to where Andrea was waiting, letting her hop in and then taking off down the dirt road towards the gate again.

I laughed to myself as I made my way towards the RV and the others.

“Whats so funny?” Carol asked smiling.

“Nothing, just thought of a joke. Do you need a hand?” I chuckled.

“Sure, sit down and I’ll show you how.” She smiled.

I knelt next to her, watching as she continued patching holes in clothes for us.

Her work perfect.

“How did you get it to look so good?” “Years of practice. Ed used to come home after going to the bar in a mess, clothes torn and bloody from fighting earlier in the night.”

She paused, taking a breath.

“He used to say that it was my job to fix the mess and clean it.”

“Carol-“ “Oh no honey, im fine.” She smiled once more.

I nodded.

Carol and I sat for an hour and a half, her teaching me different stitches and when the best use for each one.

“Alright guys, foods ready.” Dale called out.

I stood up, and walked over to Dale, who had two plates set aside, handing them to me.

“I figured that you’d be hungry, Daryl would be too.” “Thank you Dale.” “Go on, go eat. Make sure He eats too or we will all be insufferable.”

I nodded my head and chuckled, turning around and heading towards the farm house.

“Hey (Y/n).” Maggie smiled as she walked down the front steps.

“Hey.” “Glenn and I are going for a supply run, im going to keep an eye out for any pre-natal vitamins for you. Is there anything you’re after?” “Oh thank you, not that I can think of.” “Okay, well, Daryls upstairs, I think he might be asleep, but head on up.” She smiled.

“Thank you.” I smiled as she continued past me.

I made my way up and into the Greene family home, and up those familiar steps that lead me to Daryls room.

I softly pushed the door open and walked in, smiling as I see Daryl sit himself up.

“Where have ya’ been all day?” He asked

“I, have been everywhere today it seems, Shane and I went on a supply run this morning.”

“Ya’ did what?”

“Daryl-“ “I don’t want ya’ out there. Why would he take ya’ out?” “He didn’t take me, I took him. Technically. But it was smooth, no near death experiences to report.” I smiled softly.

“Dale cooked whatever, this is for us. It smells good though.” I chuckled handing him a plate.

He took the plate and picked up the food, biting away at it.

“Quit ya’ starin’.” He spoke through a mouthful.

“Or what?” I challenged, taking a bite from the food.

He shook his head as a light pink blush rose on his cheeks.

“Are you blushing?” I grinned, watching as he finished eating.

He grabbed his plate and moved it to the side, grabbing mine from my hand and placing it on his own.

“Hey! I wasn’t finished- “

“C’mere.” He muttered, reaching over, pulling me onto his lap.

“Daryl.. what are you trying to do?” “I’m tryin’ to finish what ya’ started.” “Oh, what I started?” I grinned, my hands resting on his shoulders.

“Mhmm” he nodded.

“If I remember correctly, it was you, that initiated this.” “Was it?” He smirked.

I nodded my head.

“Guess im gonna finish it too.” He stated, bringing his hand to the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss.

I smiled into the kiss, both of my hands made their way to the sides of his face, cupping his stubbled cheeks.

His hands moving down to my thighs, picking me up and laying me back.

I pulled away from his lips and smiled up at him.

“What?” He muttered.

“Nothing.” I shook my head softly, bringing his face back down to mine.

Daryl’s hands roamed freely over my body, sending shivers coursing down my spine.

I shivered against Daryl, earning a low chuckle from him.

Once Daryl had fallen asleep, I got dressed and took the plates downstairs for cleaning.

I left the farm house, making my way to our little camp.

Washing up the two plates in the tub we had set aside I left the two to air dry.

“I was wondering where you’d run off to.” Lori spoke up as she exited her tent.

“I just gave Daryl his lunch.” I smiled, getting off the ground.

“Thats not all you gave him.” I could hear the smirk in her voice without even turning to look at her.

I smiled and turned to face her.

“I don’t know what it is you’re implying Lori.”

“Sure you don’t.” She grinned.

“How else would your shirt be inside out.”

I looked down and laughed, quickly stripping my shirt off and flipping it the right way in.

“Lucky it was only me.” She laughed, patting my back.

“Ill give you a hand.” I smiled motioning to the laundry that needed folding.

We laughed and joked for about 15 minutes as we folded, the clothes.

The creak of the side paddock gate gained the attention of both Lori and I.

We looked up to see Maggie storming through, Glenn hot on her heels.

“Hey! We got your stuff.” Maggie called out.

“Maggie, hang on, please.” Glenn called after her.

Lori looked around, seeing who else was out.

Then she looked at me.

“Come on in here.” Lori tried softly, gesturing to her tent.

“Why? Nothing to hide. We got your special delivery right here.” Maggie started.

“We got your lotion, got your conditioner, your soap opera digest.” She named each item before throwing it to the floor.

“Maggie..” Lori tried.

“Hey, Maggie, calm down. What-“ I tried to reason.

“Next time you want something, get it your damn self. We're not your errand boys.”

“Honey, I-“

“And here's your abortion pills.” She threw a small blue box at Lori, storming off, Glenn and Lori sharing a look before he followed Maggie.

“Lori?” I asked softly as she stood there in silence.

“Honey, I can explain.” “You don’t need to explain anything to me.” I stated bringing her in for a hug.

“I just wish you’d have told me.. we could’ve talked about it.” I rubbed her back.

“I just don’t know what to do. I haven’t told Rick yet. I’m not going to until I know what I’m going to do.” She paused.

“Does that make me a bad wife?” She asked.

“No. It makes you a cautious one, and thats not a bad thing considering what’s happened in the last few months.”

“You have no idea how good it feels now that you know.” She softly laughed.

“I’d say it’d be a whole lot less stressful.” I laughed with her as we sat on the small stools near the table in the tent.

The little blue box holding the attention of both Lori and myself.

“Whatever you decide to, I’m here to support you.” I whispered placing my hand on her own.

She grabbed my hand and looked over to me, a thankful smile on her face.

A slight movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention, to see Glenn appear at the tents doorway.

“I’ll leave you guys to it.. just come get me if you need anything.”

“Thank you honey.” She hugged me.

“I’ll see you later Glenn.” I smiled, softly patting him on the back.

“Yeah, see you.” He nodded as I made my way through the tents door.

The familiar green car came into view and pulled up by the RV.

I couldn’t help but chuckle as I noticed the light flush on Andrea’s face as she climbed out of the car.

I made eye contact with Shane, him rolling his eyes as he noticed the small smirk on my face, continuing his walk to Carol and Dale.

“Anything?” Carol was the first to speak.

“Not today.” Shane shook his head.

“I’m so sorry. We'll cover more ground tomorrow.” Andrea sympathised with her at least.

Andrea was covered in more grime and dirt than what she had left in, signalling that they’d run into some sort of trouble whilst out.

“What happened out there?” Dale asked looking her up and down.

“Um, I-“ Andrea was cut off before she could even finish her sentence.

“The place was overrun.” Shane said far too quickly.

“Yeah.” Andrea agreed, sharing a look with my brother.

“Let's go get you clean up.” Carol motioned towards Andrea, pulling me along with them.

“(Y/n), you coming?” “Yeah, i’ll catch up, just got to grab Andrea a towel.” I smiled running into the small share tent, grabbing one of the towels.

I turned to leave, but overheard Dale call out to Shane.

“Shane.” “Shane, I was thinking, you've got that nice new ride of yours, plenty of fuel, more than enough for you to get far from here.” Dale began.

I furrowed my brows, not understanding where Dale is coming from.

“What, you telling me to leave?” Shane asked, annoyance clear in his voice.

“I know you've been planning to. Maybe now is a good time.” Dale responded.

Shane scoffed before laughing.

“Is this about Andrea?” He asked.

“I’m looking out for the group.”

“You think the group would be better off without me, Dale? My sister would be better off? Why don't you tell that to Rick or Lori? Their boy would be dead if I hadn't put my ass on the line.” Shane argued.

“And Otis's. You've been vague about that night, about what happened.”

“Otis died a hero.” Shane stated smugly.

“So you've said.”

“A little boy lived because of what went down that night. I think you ought to show some gratitude.” Shane sneered

“I wasn't there.” Dale responded.

“No, man, you weren’t.” Shane agreed, clearly angry.

“But I was the time that you raised your gun on Rick.” My hand instantly covered my mouth as I had heard what Dale had said.

“Come on. Jesus.”

“You had him in your sights and you held him there. I know what kind of man you are.” Dale continued.

I heard a sigh, the same one that I’ve heard my entire life, the one that Shane used to use when he was caught in something.

Shane stayed silent for a moment before speaking once more.

“You think I'd shoot Rick? That is my best friend. That's the man that I love. I love him like he's my brother. You think that's the kind of man I am?”

“That's right.” Dale answered.

“Well, maybe we ought to just think that through. Say I'm the kind of man who'd gun down his own best friend. What do you think I'd do to some guy that I don't even like when he starts throwing accusations my way? What do you think?” Shane threatened before retreating.

My stomach was in knots, knowing that my brother isn’t the man I knew.

I heard the footsteps retreat and decided to give myself a moment.

I took a deep breath, and shook my head softly.

As I took a step out of the tent, gasping when someone spoke.

“How much of that did you hear?”

Series Masterlist Next Part

#daryl x you #daryl dixion imagine #daryl fanfiction #daryl x reader #daryl dixon #The Walking Dead #twd #x reader

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hamsterboos · 4 years

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A Vampire for Christmas

🎄Day 8 of 12 Days of PJO Christmas🎄

Honestly, Annabeth was surprised that this hadn’t happened earlier. It had been a few years since she had stopped spending Christmas at camp and would instead be spending it at the Jackson’s apartment — or on the occasional times, with her family in San Francisco.

Considering they were two of the most powerful demi-gods of the current generation, Annabeth had expected a monster attack on Christmas to happen much, much earlier.

PSA: These drabbles are canon-compliant till HoO and just acknowledge the existence of Estelle. Also technology use is a thing.

Read on AO3

~~~~~

Either way, Percy was always a constant.

Considering they were two of the most powerful demi-gods of the current generation, Annabeth had expected a monster attack on Christmas to happen much, much earlier. At first, she and Percy hadn’t even noticed that anything was wrong because they were enjoying a pleasant dinner at Percy's family's apartment, and she had momentarily forgot that there was anything special about her and Percy anyways. They were just two almost-adults spending Christmas with their families and enjoying themselves.

It was a special Christmas dinner because Annabeth's family had come up to visit New York, and the last that they would spend at the apartment while Percy was still living there. Since they were graduating from university in May, they planned to move back to New York and get an apartment of their own in the city with the financial assistance of Annabeth’s family.

Just for the occasion, Sally had gone all out with the decorations for the apartment; she and Paul had decorated a six-foot tall Christmas tree complete with tinsel, ornaments, twinkle lights, and presents underneath the tree, and they had put up a green garland around the balcony doors.

At first everything was going fine as they were chatting happily as they made their way through dinner. Annabeth had never been more happy to take up Percy on his idea to reach back out to her father and patch up her relationship with him as she was in the moment. She had a decent relationship with her step-brothers, despite the lingering tension between her and her step-mother that they both tried to ignore as much as possible (honestly, as long as they weren’t alone together, it was fine).

She had gotten up from the dining table to grab a few more cans of soda from the refrigerator and was in the kitchen when an IM came through, scaring her half to death.

“Annabeth! Thank gods!” came Chiron’s voice through the mist. Jumping in her place, Annabeth shrieked slightly and dropped a can of soda. She whipped her head around, heart beating out of her chest as she looked into the mist only to find him looking slightly panicked.

“Chiron? You scared me!” she gasped, a hand coming to rest on her chest. From the living room she heard a scuffle of chairs being moved and quick footsteps. She turned to see Percy gripping Riptide, still in its pen form, as he ran into the kitchen. His eyes were worried, glancing all over the kitchen to make sure there was nothing immediately wrong.

“Are you okay?” he asked, immediately moving to her. Annabeth nodded mutely, simply pointing to the mist that he clearly hadn’t seen yet. When he looked up, he squinted at the image of Chiron’s worried expression. The centaur had furrowed brows, and he looked like he was about to deliver some very bad news.

“Merry Christmas, Chiron,” Percy spoke up, “but I’m guessing that’s not why you are messaging us.”

“Unfortunately, you’re right. I’m sorry to disturb your Christmas night, but we just received word from one of the satyrs that was sent to pick up a demi-god, but they got attacked on the way there. They’re hiding, but I told Francis to try to make it as close as possible to your apartment, Percy.”

“I’ll get our jackets, Perce,” Annabeth softly said, gripping his forearm, and he nodded.

“Got it,” he responded, immediately moving back to the living room, presumably going to tell his family that they had to leave now.

“We’ll get there soon, Chiron,” Annabeth promised as she waved a hand through the mist, ending the IM.

She put the cans of soda away quickly before jogging straight from the kitchen to Percy’s bedroom where she grabbed their jackets and her sword before meeting Percy by the open door. Sally and Frederick were standing in the hallway as well, and they both sent them small smiles.

“Stay safe,” Frederick called out, and Annabeth managed to give them a smile of her own in response.

Annabeth felt a pang of sadness in her heart for their parents who had to watch their children willingly walk into dangerous situations that they might not walk out from, and she admired their courage to even let her and Percy leave the house.

Percy shrugged on his jacket quickly and moved Riptide into the jacket pocket for easy access as Annabeth shrugged on hers as well, and within minutes they were making their way out of the building, glancing around for any signs of a monster or struggle to locate the demi-god and Francis, the satyr. He was one of the newer satyrs that had joined working for the camp so Annabeth had only met him once or twice, but he was insanely sweet and fiercely strong, so she had no doubt that he would get them to the apartment from where Percy could hopefully drive them to Camp.

“Hey, I’ll check behind the alley. You should stay here,” Percy called out.

“Alright, stay safe,” she responded. He nodded and ran off, and she watched him till she saw him disappear behind the building. She trained her eyes to the main road, watching carefully. There was nothing out of ordinary, and despite the fact that it was Christmas evening, there were a decent amount of people out and about.

It was also ridiculously cold, and she was just thankful for the small mercy that was the lack of snow.

Annabeth put her back to the building to make sure that she wouldn’t be jumped from the back and stayed painfully aware of her surroundings, focusing on the cold to help her focus instead of worrying about Percy. He was more than capable of taking care of himself.

In the end, it was a good thing to put her back up against the wall because suddenly she heard a cry coming from her left, and she quickly turned only to duck, squatting towards the ground because an empousa had launched herself at Annabeth.

The empousa landed on all fours behind Annabeth, and she quickly looked around her. It seemed like it was just the sole empousa with her at the moment, but Annabeth knew better than to let her guard down because they rarely hunted in groups.

Which meant the others were after Percy.

Shaking her head slightly to get the worries about Percy out of her mind, she focused on the empousa in front of her. She was in her true form, complete with the flaming hair, milky white skin, the fangs that she was currently baring at Annabeth, red eyes that were glowing, and her mismatching Celestial Bronze and donkey legs with wings.

Ever since Kelli, Annabeth had a certain hatred for empousai, but ever since Tartarus, that hatred had become more deep-rooted.

“Annabeth Chase,” the empousa hissed. “How nice of you to show up.”

Annabeth simply rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You do realize it’s Christmas and not Halloween, right? Not the right day for a vampire to show up.”

“I’m not a vampire!”

“Close enough,” Annabeth responded, waving her hand in the air.

“Mind telling me where that precious young demi-god is? I’d like to eat for him as an appetizer before I sink my fangs into that boyfriend of yours.”

“Oh so you’re telling me that you’re alone right now and that there’s not another one of you currently going after them?” Annabeth asked in a sickly sweet fake voice.

The empousa hissed again as a response, and Annabeth reined in a sigh. She really wasn’t in the mood to deal with them. She spent three years in therapy trying to work through her PTSD after Tartarus and a lot of that involved dealing with empousas again. She was sick of thinking about them and letting them ruin her life. Instead of letting the monster speak, Annabeth lunged with her sword, but the empousa was fast and evaded her. The sword glanced off of the monster’s arm, and Annabeth immediately turned back to face the empousa.

“I’m going to enjoy snapping your neck,” the empousa hissed. Annabeth didn’t bother to respond, instead moving to attack again, but stopping at the last second to grab the empousa’s attention long enough to force her to chase Annabeth. Annabeth needed to make sure that she could distract the empousa long enough for Percy and Francis to deal with the others, however many they were, until she could deal with this one on her own.

Sure enough, the empousa was running after her, and Annabeth ran along the block, trying to dodge people in her way. The empousa was insanely fast, and she had even nearly grabbed only Annabeth’s jacket a few times. Within a minute, Annabeth saw her chance and ran into an empty alleyway, and quickly faced the entrance and moved her back against the building, trying to avoid backing herself too far in and blocking any way out.

The empousa just lunged for Annabeth, and she lunged out with her sword, forced herself to extend her arm enough while balancing her weight on the center of her feet to make sure she could push off the empousa while also slashing her in the chest.

The monster backed away with a hiss, and in the moment that she was distracted, looking down at the tear in the shirt the empousa was wearing, Annabeth shot out, stabbing her in the shoulder and slashing diagonally, cutting from her right shoulder down to the left side of her waist.

Within seconds, the monster was dust, and Annabeth leaned over, bracing her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.

She knew that Percy would be looking for her, but she really needed to catch a quick breather, so she tilted her head back against the brick wall, looking up at the darkened sky.

Gods, she couldn’t even get a break on Christmas. She supposed she should get used to this if she was going to be living in the city starting from May.

She jogged her way over to the apartment building, only to find herself stopping when she saw Paul’s Prius at the side of the road.

“Annabeth!” she heard Percy’s voice call out. “Hurry!” She looked behind the car and saw a few more empousai running towards them, and she cursed, running to the car and scrambling to get into the passenger seat. Percy had already stepped on the accelerator, pulling away from the apartment building before she had even buckled up.

“How’d you get so far away?” he asked, panting.

“Had to run to distract one of them. Killed her in an alley.”

“I killed one too and then four more came after us.” It was then that Annabeth looked in the backseat, finding herself looking at a young boy who looked about fifteen with Francis. Francis saw her looking and sent her a shaky smile.

Annabeth huffed out a laugh, only realizing just how dumb she must’ve looked running away from a girl on Christmas.

“What’s up?” Percy asked, glancing at her briefly.

“Our lives from now on are just going to be dealing with monsters on Christmas.”

It seemed like Percy hadn’t thought of that just then because his face crumpled.

“Oh no.”

~~~~~

Are any of these good? Idk but I kinda like writing them

Day 1 || Day 2 || Day 3 || Day 4 || Day 5 || Day 6 || Day 7

#pjo #pjo fic #percabeth #percabeth fic #monster attack #Christmas #12 days of pjo christmas #percy jackson #annabeth

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thebeatles-world · 4 years

Note

Hey I love your writing so I was wondering if you could right something about two bit where he finds out your pregnant from soda cause sodas your best friend (dating two tho) and he's a bit angry at first but then he gets really cringy and cute and he's there for the birth. Sorry it's long :)) xx

Of course!! And no worries love! Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy!!

You and Two-Bit have been on and off in the relationship a lot in the past few months. You decided to cuss angrily when you and Two-Bit got into a huge argument for hours without any of you two backing down which caused you to storm out angrily knowing that this argument was pointless and neither of you two would win or even stop yelling at each other.

So you decided to go to one of Buck’s parties later that night and to your surprise, you saw Sodapop and Steve hanging out with Dallas there. You joined and greeted them as you made your way over to them.

“Hey Y/N! How’s it going?” They said to you and you told them all about the fight that you had with Two-Bit earlier today and how pointless the argument was.

They all comforting you about it and told you that Two-Bit could be hard headed which you agreeed.

Sodapop looked at you in awe. He lowkey had a crush on you and he always wanted you to be his girlfriend. He couldn’t stop admiring you and it gave him a bit of hope that you would turn out single one day due to the problems you and Two-Bit went through. You and Soda were best friends and he was there for you whenever you and Two-Bit had problems with each other. You were thankful that you had such a supportive friend like Soda.

He realized that he needed to step up his game. He needed to stop being shy and quiet over the fact that he liked you a lot so he started making a move on you and the whole night you and Soda were flirting with each other, chatting and even dancing with each other.

You always thought Sodapop was cute but you thought he wasn’t really interested in you until tonight when he proved himself by being a gentleman to you and showing you how much he loved you.

He definitely showed you how much he loved you once you guys sneak upstairs late at night while no one was watching and he started making love to you inside the guest bedroom. You and Soda were definitely sure that you both wanted to make love with each other. You both made sure that the noise volume was quiet between you two so that way nobody would come in the guest bedroom.

Soda was your first and he was your first. You never expect that one day you would lose it to your best friend. This was something Two-Bit never did to you or even showed you. Especially making love to you. You were glad you got to experience it with Soda... But you also felt kinda of bad for making love to Sodapop behind Two-Bit’s back? But you just shrugged the thought off that he will never found out as long you and Soda never mentioned it to him or the gang.

It didn’t cross your mind that just a few weeks later.. you would be pregnant with Sodapop’s child.

You started having symptoms of a missed period, nausea, light spottting, moodiness and you became more sensitive to certain smells.

You didn’t take much of it until you started having morning sickness and throwing up your breakfast. That’s when you decided to go to a visit to the doctor’s office.

You were nervous and just hoped that Sodapop didn’t get you pregnant that one night when you both made love to each other. You were still dating Two-Bit and you felt ashamed of yourself just thinking about you cheating on Two-Bit. But at the same time you didn’t regret making love to Sodapop because you kinda had feelings for him secretly.

You and Sodapop still talked but he was hurt knowing that night was just a one night stand between you two but you wanted to tell him that it wasn’t and that you really mean it when you slept with him but you knew it would make things worse by Soda falling in love with you even more if you did tell him that night wasn’t a mistake.

You tapped your fingers against the chair that you were sitting on in the waiting room as you waited for the doctor to call your name.

After 10 mins later, the doctor finally called you back in the room. They did some tests on you and measured you.

You were anxious as you waited for the doctor to tell you the results.

“Y/N? I have your results.” The doctor said as she gave you the paper and before you could read it, that’s when she announced that you were pregnant.

You nodded, knowing that your life was ruined. You weren’t ready to be a parent. Neither was Sodapop and he wasn’t even your boyfriend or your husband.

You thanked your doctor after she gave your next appointment for a checkup.

You knew you were doomed. What would Two-Bit say? Would he go off on you? Would he fight Sodapop? Would he breakup with you?

Or what about Sodapop? Was he ready to be a dad? Would he actually take care of his child also? Did he want it?

You thought about Sodapop brother’s ~ Darry and Ponyboy? You knew that they were the uncles of your unborn child. What would they think of you? Would they think your a prostitute? Or just using Soda? You knew they would be disappointed in you and Soda. Especially in Soda for sleeping with a girl who was taken.

You knew every single one of the gang was going to be disappointed. In you and in Sodapop. You knew they would never look at you the same especially your strict folks who raised you in the strictest way possible to make sure you wouldn’t make mistakes like this.

“How am I going to tell everyone?” You groan to yourself.

You decided to invite Two-Bit to your house to eat dinner with you while your parents were away from work so that way you could break the news to him.

You made sure the house was spotless clean and you didn’t realize that you left the pregnant results next the table since you were busy making sure everything was spotless and clean.

“Hey babe.” You smiled weakly as you greeted Two-Bit by the door whenever he came over a few hours later after your folks left for work.

“Hey baby. How are you doing?” Two-Bit gave you a kiss on the lips and walked inside.

“Im doing well.” You lied through your lips. You actually felt bad for Two-Bit. He didn’t deserve this no matter if he made you angry or stressed out.

You both sat down and started chit chatting as you guys ate your food. You were really nervous about telling him that you were pregnant. You felt bad once again knowing that it wasn’t his child and he was going to know that because you two never slept with each other before.

“Um, I’m going to use the bathroom.” You suddenly announced during the middle of dinner. “Okay babe.” Two-Bit said and continue to eat his dinner.

You shut the bathroom door behind and felt really anxious just knowing that you had to break the news to him. But where could you start? And how could you tell him gently? What could you say to start it out?

You started to practice in the mirror for about 10 and 15 minutes and you slowly headed out the bathroom, breathing in and out as you tried to calm down your anxiety.

“Hey Two-Bit... there’s something I need to tell you.” You slowly said as you arrived at the kitchen.

You noticed Two-Bit had washed your plate and his plate. The table looked neat. But Two-Bit raised an eyebrow at you.

He glared at you for a second before giving you a piece of paper that was folded in half.

“So tell me y/n. Who got you pregnant? Who did you sleep with?” Two-Bit angrily said.

Your heart almost stopped for a second and you noticed that you accidentally left your pregnancy results next to the table on the counter.

“H-How did you..” You stuttered, looking into Two-Bit’s angry eyes.

“I found out whenever I was cleaning the table. I thought it was something important or whatever so I looked at it before I thew it away and look, it turns out I was right. It was important.” Two-Bit shook his head in disappointment.

“Two-Bit i am so sorry, I-“ you begin saying before Two-Bit cut you off.

“Who’s the father y/n? Tell me who is it!” He shouted, looking angrily.

“It’s Sodapop!” You blurted out and it made Two-Bit shocked when you said that.

“What!!? You and Soda? Behind my back? When did this happened?” He said, shaking his head once again before slamming his fist against the fridge which made you jump a little.

“I slept with him the day me and you got into that huge argument. I should have backed away... I’m so sorry Two-Bit... I promise it won’t happen ever again. I should have never did that.” Your eyes turned into sadness as you looked at Two-Bit who looked hurt and mad and shocked at the same time.

“You slept with one of my friends.. and he slept with you.. How nice huh? My girlfriend and my friend slept with each other.” Two-Bit sneered and you knew he was being sarcastic but angry.

“Two-Bit Im sorry for what i did. Let me prove that I can change. Especially with my unborn child. You both mean a lot to me. I can prove to you I can be a different person than I was before. Please Two-Bit. Give me a chance.” You gently grabbed his hand and held it.

Two-Bit didn’t push your hand away or anything. He was trying to calm down. He put his hand over his mouth as he started to think.

You honestly felt really bad and you knew you messed up big time. A part of you didn’t wanna lose Two-Bit for good but another part of you understood if Two-Bit did leave you for what you did.

“I’ll help you take care of this baby with you.” Two-Bit finally said after a few minutes of silent between you two.

“Really?” You said. You were happy that he said that and you weren’t even expecting that response from him knowing that you betrayed him.

“Yes y/n. I love you so much not leave you but honestly I’m still hurt and mad but I also don’t wanna leave you by yourself with your unborn baby and having it to take care of it by yourself or even going through the pregnancy alone. I’ll stand with you no matter what and I’ll go with you to this new chapter of your life.” Two-Bit said and pulled you into a hug.

“Thank you so much Two-Bit. Again I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this.” You said as you bury your face on the crook of his neck.

“It’s alright baby. I know you won’t do it again.” Two-Bit kissed your head before putting his hands on your stomach.

“I can’t wait to find it the gender of the baby.” He smiled at you.

“Me too. I’m excited to have you by my side.” You smiled back. You felt much better knowing that Two-Bit forgave you and he was going to be there with you throughout the whole pregnancy.

For months, Two-Bit was excited more than you were whenever you guys started buying baby clothes and baby supplies. He even made sure you ate well and his favorite part was getting to feel the baby kick.

He even made small talk to your stomach whenever it got bigger. It made you rolled your eyes whenever he did that.

Two-Bit was nice enough to set up a baby crib for your baby and buy Mickey Mouse blankets, stuffed animals of Mickey and Minnie and even a Mickey Mouse pj set.

“Two-Bit, do you really think that the baby is going to like Mickey Mouse?” You joked.

“Of course y/n, they’re gonna to love Mickey Mouse as much as I do!” Two-Bit said.

You decided to break the news to Sodapop after three months of being pregnant. You were nervous and you had Two-Bit by your side by telling Sodapop that the child was his and not Two-Bit’s.

After you broke the news to Sodapop, he suddenly turned bright red, especially even more knowing about Two-Bit finding out that you two slept together behind his back. He was surprised that Two-Bit hasn’t knocked his teeth out yet for getting you pregnant. His eyes wided as he looked at your stomach.

“Im going to be a dad?” Sodapop said in shock as his emotions felt with happiness. He just couldn’t believe he was going to be father at a young age but he was happy knowing that he got the love of his life pregnant by accident aka you and was expecting a child.

“Yes Coca-Cola. It may be your blood child but Y/N is still gonna be with me regardless.” Two-Bit warn him.

Sodapop knew he did a bad thing by sleeping with you and getting you pregnant behind Two-Bit’s back. He felt really bad also.

“I know man and I’m sorry. Let this be a lesson for us? No hard feelings? Also, I just can’t believe I’m expecting my first child already.” Sodapop shyly said.

“I know, I can’t wait for the baby to arrive.” Two-Bit grinned.

You told Sodapop that you would make sure that he would be in your child’s life since he was the father and he would get to spend time with your child and make it equal days/time between you two.

You and Two-Bit also broke the news to the gang. Everyone was happy for you and they were understanding about it but Darry and Ponyboy looked really disappointed in you and Sodapop as you expected but it didn’t last for long.

“I can’t wait for my niece/nephew to be born!” Darry said one day as he hugged you happily.

“I can’t wait to met him or her! I can’t believe I’m an uncle!” Ponyboy said happily.

“We’re both gonna be uncles!!” Darry said as he happily shook Ponyboy by the shoulders.

Weeks later, you got an ultrasound and you and Two-Bit were excited to found that the gender of the baby was a girl.

“We’re having a baby girl.” You softly said to Two-Bit as you held his hand.

“I can’t wait to take care two of my princesses.” Two-Bit said as he kissed you on the cheek.

A few months later, you were just about to leave your house to go to the library to check out a few books when all the sudden, you felt your water broke.

Oh no... you thought. The baby was coming...

You knew that Two-Bit always told you that he would rush to you no matter what day or time it was so he could take you the hospital whenever your water broke.

You called Two-Bit on the house phone. Your parents were at work and they were still disappointed in you ever since you announced to them that you were pregnant. They knew they were going to have to get over the disappointment.

“Hey Two-Bit. My water broke.” You groan as you held on your stomach. “Please come quick.”

“Yeah y/n don’t worry baby, I’m not that far. I’ll see you in a bit.” Two-Bit quickly said and he hung up.

As Two-Bit said, he arrived shortly and he took you to the nearest hospital.

You held on tightly to Two-Bit’s hand while giving birth so hard that he thought you broke it by now.

“You’re doing good y/n, keep pushing baby.” Two-Bit words were so smoothing to you that it helped with the pain you were going through and gave you strength to push.

After hours and hours of labor, you finally gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

“She’s so beautiful just like you y/n.” Two-Bit got emotional as he held your daughter in his arms.

“She truly is.” You smiled happily as you watched Two-Bit hold your daughter as he kissed her on the forehead.

#two bit imagine #sodapop curtis imagine #the outsiders fandom #the outsiders imagine #steve randle imagine #ponyboy curtis imagine #dallas winston imagine #darry curtis imagine #sodapop x reader #two bit x reader

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thisartofeveryday · 4 years

Text

For those of you who thought I should make my life story into a book…here is the outline. For the sake of clarity as you are reading, let me explain who the characters are. The kids from my Dads first marriage: Jim1, Patty, Seana. The kids from my Mom’s (Mary Ellen) first marriage: Mary Jane and Jim2. My brother that I am a full sibling to is Charles (chuck).

I think you might know that 95% of our lives are lived from the unconscious mind. From birth to age 7 a childs mind is in Theta wave (hypnosis) and everything that they learn in those years (mainly through observation and repetition) is the program that their minds run for their entire lives. Knowing this – I look back on the first 7 years of my life.

I think we moved 7 times in those 7 years. I am certain it was because of Dads extreme anger management problems and the fact that he is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. Zero stability or chance to make lasting friendships. My dad was sexually abusing me and unpredictably violent. I was terrified of him. I was being terrorized/bullied by my brother, Chuck, who was every bit the sociopath that my dad is. My mom was overwhelmed by the number of children she was responsible for - none of which she actually wanted- and add to that, her husband was sexualizing all of the kids, so really being the last of her kids I was the last of her problems. Being the youngest (and as traumatized as I was), I was quiet and easy to forget about or push to the side. The older kids were the ones in the spotlight and where all the attention went. They were enrolled in activities and they were more the same age, so they were a unit. I was just an observer of them. I felt so left out and forgotten. Always.

I was a mistake and a burden (dads exact words to me on my 11th birthday). Mom made sure I knew that she thought I was mentally retarded- she would joke about it all the time. (I guess she never made peace with her sister being autistic) She also loved humiliating me even when I made it clear she was hurting me. Remember her sausage fingers joke or how many years I got called Boomer? I absolutely hated both of those things, made it clear, and yet she refused to give up the name calling and humiliation. There was very little respect for my personal boundaries. Dad would assault me in the middle of the night and I would wet the bed out of fear- then he would make me sleep in it to teach me a lesson. Mom would do nothing to help me, though she was awake in the middle of the night when I would work up the courage to go into their room to ask for help. She let him treat me like that. Goddamn…I remember the night terrors and being scared to be in my room at night because the scary man was sitting in the rocking chair, in the dark, next to my bed.

I have a memory of being in the garage in our house in South Windsor. I was playing with our basset hound, General…I was crawling around on the floor and the dog mounted me and was dry humping me. Dad got this sick laugh and let it happen. Mom walked in and got mad at him, but did nothing to help me. My personal boundaries were nonexistent. Nobody was protecting me from him. I remember him eating the food off my plate at dinner…or kissing me on the ear or touching me when I would tell him I hated it and to stop. I remember the baths dad would have me take with him and how he taught me to touch and work his dick. I remember the photos he would take of me after the bath. I remember being 7 years old and trying to lay on his bed and be sexy enough for him. I remember kissing mom passionately the way that dad taught me to and mom getting upset and asking me where I learned that. I remember having a baby doll that I drew all over, angrily, with lipstick. I remember being scared because my ass was bleeding and I told mom while her brother and sisters were visiting and she shushed me and scurried me away. I remember him also beating the shit out of me…sometimes for no reason. I remember being deeply attracted to and absolutely terrified of him. I was 7. These are the only memories I have of my dad. I don’t remember him being there for me, or interested in me as a person, or engaged in anyway. I just remember him being what I now know is a predator.

7 to 13: I remember some stability in Connecticut because we stayed there for three years… but I also remember having moments of being deeply depressed and hiding in the basement of the house writing notes that I hoped someone would find, asking for help to get me out of there. When I look back, those were my first experiences with disassociation from stress and waves of major depression. While I was being assaulted during those years, those years were all about Mary Jane, Seana, and Jim2. These three had each other. These three were a team. I was just an observer to your lives. I had no voice, no opinion, no importance, never truly included and absolutely my feelings went unheard and did not matter. We can say it was the age difference, sure, that’s part of it…but that’s also just an excuse. Things could have been done to validate my importance too. I had Charles bullying me….I had my Dad assaulting me. I was so alone.

My internal voice wants to shout: Why did nobody see this? Why did nobody help me? Where were my siblings? I guess everyone was doing the best they could…

Literally anyone looking in knowing the truth could have easily assessed that this was a horribly destructive environment for any child to grow up in. I know dad was doing this to all the kids. I wasn’t the only one. It is absolutely stunning to me that through the years of my life I have consistently been blamed by my Mary Ellen (narcissist/borderline personality disorder) and the people who chose to listen to her twisted opinions that there was something wrong WITH ME. I mean, logically the mental health issues I have faced my entire life are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to a situation that was deeply flawed. But somehow the blame has always fallen on me.

The very first thing I think when I think of my mom is her asking me “Whats wrong with you Melissa”. Ive lost count of how many times she has asked me that very question.

I now know that its just deflection. Queen Narcissist cant take responsibility for her actions so she puts it on the person who she always denied a voice. That’s nice. Very loving and motherly. Doesn’t fix the 40 some odd years of my life that I believed her and wanted to die.

Right around age 9 or 10, we move again. I remember it being a big scandal – I think the truth came about that my dad is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. (By the way, that’s in my DNA. I get to live my life connected to that. I look just like my dad. I think like a Painter. It’s fucking unsettling.) I remember all the pressure to say nothing about the move and to constantly behave as though we were the perfect family and nothing was wrong. So incredibly demented.

I remember a HUGE fight about Seana and Jim2 staying behind in Connecticut. (by the way: I also remember Jim1 leaving for the Marines and wondering where my brother went and why he never talked to me. At one point he came back to visit and gave me a beautiful geisha doll in a glass box that mom destroyed in a fit of anger at me…she intentionally violently knocked it off the top of my dresser in one of her vindictive off the handle rages…Im sure at 8 years old I totally did something to deserve it, right.)

And, of course I remember the night Seana was killed. (why did the man that killed her not serve jail time? Why are bad people never held accountable?) Dad wasn’t there. Again, Dad wasn’t there. As I recall he was having an affair with some woman in Arizona? Mom was already distraught to be back in Michigan. That night, I remember being awake before the call came in…watching the clock radio in my bed… it had a short in the wire that would spark. I was listening to the Beatles: My guitar gently weeps…. To this day, I hate the Beatles.The phone rang. Mom screamed to you “Mary Jane, OMG, Seana is Dead”. I didn’t understand what happened. I just knew we were packing up like we did so many times before to take yet another long drive across country. It felt to me like another move. I didn’t understand death or that my sister was gone forever. I didn’t get it.

(an aside: I struggled in school. When I was in Beginning Algebra One for some reason that class would make me check out and I would always soul travel to the night Seana was killed and it felt like it was happening to me. I took that class 4 times including summer school before I passed.)

(later, when I was maybe 13, my dog got hit by a car in the street and now I knew what death was so I freaked out like Mom did when Seana died and I remember Mom shaming me: You cried more over than damn dog than you did at your sisters funeral. Very nice. Very motherly. Very supportive and kind of her.)

At Seanas funeral, I remember not knowing what was expected of me. I was just so focused on getting it right and who I was supposed to kiss (because that sexualized stuff was already so ingrained).

There were so many goddamn rules for behavior, (rich white republican ex-military country club going family that we were) and I remember getting it wrong and being scowled at all the time. Mom was always angry and stressed out. We had to BE someone and over and over again: “Don’t forget the family name” and how important our clan was (hilarious that she kept the Sterling last name because her current husband is too ethnic and this sounds classier to her than her own actual last name)….

Meanwhile, My developing sense of self was being assaulted and neglected/ignored out of me and I felt wrong all the time for every single action I took.

I think we moved back to North Carolina briefly and then to Florida? Whatever the case….

Then we move again. Again. Again. Now we are in Florida. Im 10. My parents are getting divorced. Mom is deeply goddamn depressed. My family is falling apart. I don’t know where my brothers and sister are. Everything is exploding. Im powerless and hostage to all this. I cannot underline the importance of that sense of being hostage to a situation that I was powerless to escape and having my feelings and my personhood completely ignored and erased. It consumed me. I wanted to die. I am, as always, the least of moms concerns.

In Florida I was so incredibly dissociative. I was experiencing C-PTSD. I remember feeling numb all over. Having no ability to react to this little girl that fell off her bike in front of me….I just stared at her…the adults nearby yelled at me for doing nothing. I went further into my head. I was so checked out. People just thought I was quiet or shy or retarded. I was deeply traumatized and needed help.

I remember Mary Jane and I sitting on the bed watching this music video by The Cars. In the video there is a woman who is laughing and crying. I remember asking MJ what she was doing because I do that too and I think she told me she was having a mental break down.

I remember getting a Walkman and listening to the Police nonstop. That was my only retreat from how much I hurt. WHY DID NOBODY SEE THIS AND HELP ME?

I remember during that time that I was given another baby doll. I remember MJ and mom watching me play with it to see what I would do. I felt scared of them both and the creepy way they were lurking to watch me. I felt ganged up on. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was so alone. I wanted to die.

In Florida, I remember my birthday and dad cocking his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face…he did that sick laugh and told me he wished I was never born and that I was a mistake. (later when I told this to Patty she explained he punched her in the face on her 11th birthday. Im related to all that. That’s in my dna.)

My body was changing. I was getting my period. I felt crazy. I was in that HUGE school in Jacksonville and I had no friends and I was so scared. Everything was terrifying….and Dad was getting more unhinged thus Mom has Jim and Lynn move in to protect her and had you come back… and then I remember walking in to the living room in the middle of a sunny afternoon and mom on the pull out sofa, trying to make dad jealous, was fucking the guy who was there to buy the house that we had just moved in to because we were MOVING AGAIN….

Not to mention, I remember MJ and I quickly taking Dads gun to the beach to bury it so he because he wanted to kill us all.

Im not even 13 yet….. Are you exhausted?

Any one of these things would make a fully functioning stable adult fold like a house of cards. “Whats wrong with you Melissa?”…. It took something like 20 years of therapy but now I have some clues to answer that question. Here are some more clues:

We finally make it to Boone. Mom followed her best friend, Mary Jane. After all that… that incredible pressure cooker of my pre teen childhood we arrive in bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina….and everyone is gone except the sociopath brother. The house is basically empty. Everyone abandoned ship. Where did my brothers and sisters go? I remember coming home after school and there would be nobody home. For my entire life I had come home to my family but now there was no one. I would sit on the couch and watch the clock with growing anxiety and cry until mom came home from work. It was beyond torturous. And then she would be pissed off that I needed her because she just got home from work. At this point Mom is just angry and exhausted all the time. She had to get a job outside the home for the first time in her life which she hated, she was sick of being a mom…she wanted it all to be over so she could have HER life. Charles was getting more and more abusive- physically and mentally and had to be sent away for our protection.

And then she starts dating Don Bailey. I think the sex must have been amazing because the guy was an utter low life. He was living off of her/my child support money… and beating the shit out of her. Their fights were never goddamn ending. I would hide in my room after school and not come out. I was so alone. I had no friends and no escape. Mom was friends with Mary Jane, not with me. Mom wanted nothing to do with me. One day we were driving home and I was so attached to her. I needed my mom so goddamn bad… I was struggling to make friends at yet another new school and the PTSD made me feel so distant from everyone but I had no words for what was wrong with me I just thought I was terrible at making friends (I remember this: pathetically I checked out a book at the library: How to be your own best friend)… She pulled the car over and told me “we cant be friends.” Mom has some glorified memory of us driving around looking for our favorite tree in Autumn… the only thing I remember is that conversation…her rejecting me when I needed her the most… after we moved to the town my sister lived in so she could be close to her.

Again, still no help with the major depression, the CPTSD… just a lot of blame “why cant you be happy Melissa…whats wrong with you?” and I cant be clear enough about this: all her spare time at home was spent on Don, not me. I didn’t have clubs and groups and activities that she as sure to enroll me in. I didn’t have my brothers and sisters there with me. It was just me, after all that, trying to figure it out.

I was a burden to her. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me and be done. I felt it always.

An aside: When she was unsure if she wanted to stay in Boone, I remember her asking Charles if we should stay or go back to Florida…after he chimed in with his answer, I gave my opinion which she angrily scoffed at me and told me it didn’t matter what I thought, Id go where they tell me to go. My voice didn’t matter, I was a burden to her. I had no value as a person. I was powerless. So there I was in my bedroom that was the walkway between the living room and her room… at the mercy of whatever happened with no privacy or power over my life….. whats new.

Another aside: During that time we had gotten a dog that was a total pain in the ass for her to take care of. She gave it away while I was at school. I came home and the dog was gone and I was tearful thinking it ran away. She gave my dog away without telling me.

Then we moved out to Valley Crusis (9 miles outside of town…so isolated. I was so alone. The isolation was killing me. Where were my siblings. I needed help. I needed someone who was just there for me.) and Dons abusive behavior got even more extreme. I remember him picking me up from a concert that I was at….because he had sent Mom to the hospital with a sprained wrist and a busted lip. He was laughing about it when he told me to get in the car. Another time I remember Don looming in my bedroom door when Mom was at work and it was just us in the house… telling me: “Go ahead and call the police, nobody will believe you anyway.” I remember the woman who lived up the hill from us, with the curly hair…I think her name was Susan… coming down to the house while Mom and Don were gone and telling me If it ever gets too bad, you can always run up here. The neighbors knew I needed help. Where were my brothers and sisters? Where was my Mom? FUCK.

I remember Mom having many off the handle rages at me because I looked like a boy and my hair was crazy and I was so fucked up. I remember one morning after she had raged at me so hard that I was in stunned silence… we were sitting at breakfast at St Sinners and MJ kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong, I was clearly checked out and fucked up. I needed my sister. I had no voice or ability to speak up. I was scared of her husband, Glenn. Nobody helped me. Mom was the star of the brunch party!

I remember getting my first job at 15 and working at St Sinners…. Then, when mom bought the restaurant I stopped getting paid. She cut me off from my paycheck and told me it was my “duty to the family”… but she had Jim2 and his first wife Lynn there working and they were getting paid…and also stealing her money to fuel their coke habits. She didn’t value me, or my efforts but her golden son Jim can do no wrong even when he is fucking her out of her business.

I remember Jim2 offering me coke at a house party and John Golden and another friend getting me out of there away from my own brother. I remember Lynn being LIVID that I would stop by their house when I was lonely and wanted my family but instead I got shamed for thinking I could stop by and see them…and mom would tell me that “they had BUSY LIVES and I should leave them alone.”

I remember being so fucked up and alone in Boone….I mean, I now know I was just in shock and experiencing major depression. Mom kept asking me Whats wrong with you Melissa…when I was your age I had to choose between boyfriends… etc. Its incredible to me how Mom normalized my childhood abuse and completely erased my feelings or my personhood then blamed me for somehow being a problem child or wrong in whatever way….more incredible: people believed her.

During those years in Boone I remember her doing things like openly making fun of me when I thought I might be gay, fixing regular hamburgers and telling me they were tofu when I became vegetarian…starting a burn pile in the back yard full of toxic things after I told her how important recycling was to me and laughing at me as I cried…..every chance she had to make me feel awful about being me and disrespected she took.

Once I visited her at her office and she told me I was “too ugly to look at and she didn’t want anyone to know I was her daughter and to never come to her office again.”

Shes right, we were not friends. She was a jealous mean girl, obsessed with appearances and her shitty boyfriend.

Lets not forget when she, with Mary Janes help, stacked my portfolio with MJs lithographies and coached me how to lie to get me in to Governors school for the summer. She wanted me gone and she got her wish. I remember feeling like a fraud that summer. I wasn’t good enough to be there. I had to lie to be included. I remember she didn’t even drive me there. She had Don do it. He harassed me in the car all the way there, 3 hours…. then dropped me…16… off on the curb in front of the college and drove away. All the other kids had parents excitedly helping them get set up in their rooms…excited about their major accomplishment of getting in to Governors school… I was there with my milk crate of shit, a fraud. alone. Acting like a tough girl who didn’t need anyone. I was a pro at that. Mission accomplished, she was rid of me.

I remember how deep my depression was becoming by the time I was 18. That last year of high school I would bang my head against my bedroom wall in an attempt to knock myself out, in hopes that I would get sent away to a treatment center or something. I couldn’t take all the fighting between her and Don. I fucking hated him and he was in my house and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to throw myself down the back stairwell at school. I barely graduated high school my depression was eating me alive.

Amazing that nobody IN MY FAMILY SAW THAT I NEEDED HELP. I was invisible. Mary Ellen cast her proclamation that all was well, she was amazing and I was a problem child and that was that.

I have a million stories about Mom demoralizing me during those years…. Whats weird is that I have no memory of my Mary Jane there. I think she was so involved with Glenn and way up the mountain, I had no way to reach her. And I was scared of her husband Glenn. And, we were never close. And, she was Team Mary Ellen…. So I was just alone and wanted to die. Sincerely. Goddamn. Let it end.

I remember Don telling me that Mom was using my child support payment to make her car payment. So I asked her about where my child support was going and she told me she used it for my Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance…. So I called the insurance company to see if I had coverage…. They had no record of me. She was, again, a liar….

When I graduated high school she couldn’t get me out of the house fast enough. She pawned me off on my boyfriend Gebeaux and expected him to simply take care of me. We broke up. He didn’t sign up for that. I was basically kicked out of the house in valley crusis. I wasn’t prepared for life on my own. I wasn’t ready. She just wanted to be done being a mom so Hey..I came back to the house one day and all my stuff was packed and that was that. I had to figure it out. Fuck me.

At one point during that time I was living in a trailer with my friend Stacy. Mom was horrified about this. I was getting food stamps and she was so ashamed of me for being so low class. She came to the trailer and was completely off the handle. She said there was “no air” in there and grabbed a 2x4 and smashed out all the windows. Mind you from her perspective it was just another example of what a loser I am, living in a trailer on food stamps how did I end up such a piece of shit when she is such a wonderful mother… it must be because there is something inherently wrong about me.

She has seen me as trash who is incapable of being anything great my entire life.

Somewhere in there she stopped dating Don and started dating lawyer Rand Sterling…who broke her ribs multiple times and literally pushed her out of a moving car and then she walked 5 miles back to his house to be with him. That relationship took her to Texas. She followed the money. The insanity of that relationship is all I heard about from her. She needed Jim2 to come protect her from her husband multiple times. I absorbed all of this through her very rare but insane emails to me. She has always used me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground.

I had my first total mental break right around 19 years old. I was fetal position on the floor at my girlfriends house… Jenn… I couldn’t stop crying for multiple days and I felt my mind split in two. I literally went into a black hole and was begging for death. Jenn and the next door neighbor scooped me up off the floor and drove me to the Watauga County Mental Health and got me some help… but at this point I was having a total mental collapse… the part of me that was traumatized was a child denied her voice or any recognition of her Self, so I had no way to articulate what was wrong and Mom had denied and normalized the abuse and denied me voice and my personhood for so long that I had ZERO chance of articulating what was wrong… it was buried so deep inside of me and I was so scared to trust anyone…. I was experiencing schizophrenia and Major depression.

Jenn helped me with my depression. Jenn made sure I was housed and fed. Jenn took care of me. I owe her my life.

I mean, that is an extreme mental health episode. Where was my family? How could none of the people who were supposed to love me the most see any of this? Why did none of them help me? Why did all of them think I was to blame? (my guess: Team Mary Ellen)

Somewhere in that year my friends were moving to Chapel Hill so I packed up the car that my child support paid for and I went down the mountain. She threatened to call the police on me for stealing the car. She told me I needed discipline and needed to go into the Army. She just didn’t know what to do with me…such a problem child. If I remember correctly, you echoed her sentiments. Everyone was always so angry at me for being so wrong and so bad. None of my family (meaning MJ and mom because my brothers had long bailed on me and my extended family has never made a single attempt to reach out to me or know me at all.) were my friend, or loving, kind or compassionate.

I got away….I went to Chapel Hill and lived with my best friends Kerry, Lesley, Julie, and two other guys in Kerry’s Moms rental house. I was working at the Columbia Street Bakery and dating this boy, Richard…. Who happened to be a really abusive drug dealer… who held me down one night and violently orally raped me and when I called mom for help she told me with the exasperation of a mother who had supposedly tried so hard to do the right thing and raise her child with love and support but that child was just tragic and terminally fucked :

“I don’t know whats wrong with you Melissa, I guess you just like the bad boys.”

Again, no self reflection on her behalf…she did nothing to help me.

I didn’t know how to get away from Richard who was playing mind fuck with me and I was getting high with him (LSD) …which was basically, me being drugged and him using me for sex but not being loving or kind in any way (felt like home) Eventually, Richard got busted for selling a page of lsd to an undercover cop and threatened to kill me because he thought it was my fault… so I had to get out of there and I went to New York to chill out and work for the summer at the Omega Institute of Holistic Learning… to just be around hippies and eat good food. I hung out with Baba Ram Dass and Ben & Jerry…and took a class on the whirling dervish… These moments when I wasn’t in the pressure cooker of my life were both brilliant because I needed healing but also the worst because all this trauma would start to surface and I didn’t know what it was or how to speak about it. I would start to shatter again.

I believed it was my fault and there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was so lost. I needed help. I needed a parent or loving compassionate family or someone trusted to guide me through that time in my life. I had no one but my friends from North Carolina who were just as fucked up as me. I needed help. I needed help. Oh my god, I needed help.

Omega ended…I had no money to get out of there, nobody to turn to for help, no clue what to do next, I certainly couldn’t go back to Mom who hated me and was living with Rand so fuck that… I had no idea where my brothers and sisters were and no relationship with them so that wasn’t on my mind as an option…..so I caught whatever ride I could get and ended up in Boulder. One of my friends from Omega hooked me up with her cousin for a month and I tried to make it work… it was basically winter in Colorado at this point and I was out there door canvassing for Green Peace making no money and freezing to death. Just walking door to door for Greenpeace… looking in on other families and their loving lives together. I was so fucking sad. I was hungry and scared and completely out of options. I had to get out of there.

I called Mom for help. She said: “You got yourself into this, get yourself out”…. And hung up on me. The bitch hung up on me. I was stranded and so scared and I needed my mom. She hung up on me. She blamed me. She wanted to punish me for being such a problem. She was done being a mom. She hung up.

I remember having gone to the Planned Parenthood to get some medical help because I was sick. I explained my situation and the nurse looked at me incredulously and said “where are you parents?” I explained to her that Mom hung up on me. I was devastated, living in a constant state of shock. Scared out of my sense of self or ability to connect to the present moment.

I was a fractured soul in every possible meaning.

My month at my friends place was over and I had to find an apartment or live on the streets. It took me another month of begging whatever guy I could find to give me a place to stay and then I contacted the boy I was dating at Omega, Scott, and asked him for money to get a bus back to North Carolina. He helped me. Bless him. He got me out of there.

I got on the Greyhound and ended up going to Idaho to visit with my friend Stacy (who I lived in the trailer with) and stay with her for a couple weeks to get grounded and feel safe with a friend for a minute. My mental break was coming back full force. I was inconsolable. I remember laying on her bed fully having an out of body experience from the stress and being so disoriented. She is so patient and kind. She took care of me. When my time with Stacy was up, the next layer of insanity: I got on the Greyhound and took a 5 day no sleep, no food journey across country. I got chased down, carrying all my bags of things and looking like a little hippie… on a layover, by a group of drunk men in Wyoming…they almost got me but I found a laundromat that was open and full of people so I ran inside and hid until my bus was leaving again. I was terrified. By the time I made it back to Lesley and Kerrys house in Chapel Hill it was New Year night…I got some hours back at the Columbia Street bakery I was working at and got some money rolling in.

I want to mention that Poverty, which I have lived most my life in, is no joke and more damaging than anyone outside of the experience can understand. It is cyclical, like bi polar…. Living paycheck to paycheck or however you get just enough to maybe hold on for a moment longer but never knowing if more will be coming is a terror. Always feeling like the bottom is going to drop out…and never knowing when youre going to eat…and what that does to your hormones and your mental health…. Poverty is proven to damage people on a cellular level and have lasting effects that lead to chronic illness.

After making it back to NC, few weeks later the boy from Omega came to Chapel Hill and told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to move to Boston with him. So we took a little road trip and eventually ended up in Boston. As a surprise to no one sane, that was not a lasting relationship. So after a year of misery in Boston, (more poverty, more loneliness, more no family) Scott drove me back to Chapel Hill and that’s when the girls and I all moved up to Asheville. All the while, checking in with Mom who was yelling and shaming me for being such a fuck up.

I can’t underline enough: I was disassociating the entire time. I was having episodes of schizophrenia. I was experiencing major depression and bi polar disorder. The stress of my entire life was more than I could handle and I had no support and no compassion and nobody validating my experience or me as a person. People just thought that was who I was. I was just fucked in every way possible and believed she was right and all that was normal and I was a terrible piece of shit. She had everyone believing that.

Mary Jane believed her. She echoed her sentiments to me. Go Team Mary Ellen.

I moved up to Asheville and got somewhat stabilized. I was again living with my friends and I got a decent job at the Laughing Seed Cafe. I met Mark and I had decided to go to college because I thought that would make Mom happy and I needed to DO something with myself.

Mark and I were together maybe 8 weeks before we moved across country and started a life together. Eight weeks.

I was so adept at being a high functioning dissociative major depressive and I had no way to articulate what was wrong with me (all that stuff that had been normalized and ignored…all the ways my feelings and personhood was erased)… I just knew something evil bad was in me and it took me out from time to time. I thought it was my fault and I was ashamed of myself. I was living in a constant state of shock. CPTSD.

So, I get myself into college and thanks to Mark and his truck we move across country.

When I hear my friends now talking about saving money for their kids college and really setting them up for success by helping them choose a school and get settled in or making sure they don’t have to work so they can focus on their studies and have a healthy social life with friends and do activities Im so confused. I didn’t know parents and families helped their kids with such things. I didn’t understand that in other families they help, protect and support. I made it through without any of these blessings.

Mark and I get a shitty apartment (the ceiling caved in out of rot and the place was full of roaches. The property managers stole my drum set and we would catch them on the roof at night peeping through the skylight to watch us), I get a full time job managing a restaurant…in addition to schooling full time...Im overwhelmed by the workload, scared to be across country, freaked out by college and the expectations… it was too much. I was away from the source of my abuse and things started to surface… I NEEDED HELP.

I needed my family except, honestly, I have none. Additional mindfuck: when I tried to talk to people about this I get the old trope about how everyone has tough relationships in their families and I need to love my mom and work it out with her.SO I KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE WITH MOM BECAUSE I NEEDED HER LOVE SO BAD AND I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS ME. Further, because I was so regressed I just sounded like a petulant child when I tried to talk about the abuse I had no accurate words for so nobody outside the experience really got it or could conceive how bad things really were for me… why would they? My family is extraordinarily fucked up, like nobody I have ever known.

In college, nobody comes to check on me and make sure Im ok. Nobody was calling. Id get rare emails or letters. When I would tell mom how hard it was, mom would mock me and tell me to suck it up when I would reach out to her and “complain” about how things were going for me… See, because its always my fault and Im never measuring up.

An aside: To this day, 40 years later, Jim2 has yet to even send me a single email to check and make sure Im ok or get to know me at all. He has never responded to the multiple emails I have sent him, so I stopped reaching out. I used to cry to mom about it and she would tell me that he “has a busy life” and I had to understand that’s why I wasn’t a priority to him. Personally, I cant imagine anything being more important than making a connection with your little sister, but I guess Im biased and not like him: busy getting high and drunk and being a cool party guy.

During my college is when he married Lori. I worked over time and got a plane ticket to be at his wedding. I was sick to my stomach at the idea of having to be around my family but I love my brother and I wanted to be there. He ignored me the entire time I was there. I was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that I could afford the ticket and made the effort to be there for him. I showed up for him….He ignored me. I was devastated and felt invisible and so worthless.

Another aside: I was 24 and that very first Christmas on the west coast Mom calls me, driving herself to the ER to get her stomach pumped from a suicide attempt. She was dramatically telling me her goodbye in case she didn’t make it. I was stressed and powerless beyond the telling of it. I cried all the way through that Christmas. Again: Mom always uses me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground. Out of all her children, Im the one with heart and she gets the sympathy she is working me over for.

During my college years, I would ask Mom for help she would mock me “Im sending baby Sava (MJs daughter) a care package…are you a baby? Do you need one too?”

Mean girl jealousy that I went to college and her life was taken from her by her children….

In college I had no friends, just Mark. No time for activities and my mental health was so fragile I had no ability to form friendships. I was barely hanging on. I would be catatonic in my time at home. We had this geometry screensaver on the computer and I would be frozen staring at it for hours while my brain felt like it was going to shatter. I was an absolute wreck and a shell of a person…but I was determined to prove I could graduate college and I wasn’t a fuck up. I wanted Mom to be proud of me.

I guess it should come as no surprise that after 4 years of no time off, working and schooling 80 hours a week, getting zero support emotionally or financially from my family …. that absolutely NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO CELEBRATE ME AT MY GRADUATION.

Nobody came. Nobody celebrated me. Nobody saw the value in me or my hard work.

I remember being on the phone with Jim2 the day of my graduation. I had called him to ask why he wasn’t there for me. I was in tears. He told me that if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, congratulations on your nice life. He thought it was bullshit that I was so upset. He thought I was being a baby. This loser dropped out of college which he had a scholarship for and did nothing with his life but drugs and alcohol and saw no value in me or what I did on my own. He didn’t show up for me.

Me going to college and graduating on time with full credits was a major fucking accomplishment on so many levels.

Not one of my family was there for me and I will never forgive or forget that.

We moved to the same fucking town Mary Jane was in when she was in college and never ONCE did anyone come to check on me and be interested in what I was doing or validate how amazing it was that I was in school and making it happen on my own.

When I talk about how alone I feel in life, its in my bones.

I had worked over time to get Mom a plane ticket so she would be there for my graduation and she called me a couple days before to tell me pathetically “She couldn’t get the day off work.” (Lie: I think she has some legal issue and couldn’t leave the state or something like that.)

After she called to bail on my graduation… at 27 years old… I had a heart attack on my walk home. I collapsed in my living room. Mark found me on the floor when he got home from work. She literally broke my heart. I was devastated. I was in shock. I was dissociating. I was so fucked up. I needed help. Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was wrong and neither did I.

Shortly after my graduation, MJ graduated and she drove to see her and was sure to tell me about it. I mean, they are BFFs so, no surprises there. GO TEAM MARY ELLEN, right?

Whats wrong with you Melissa? My family. My family is whats wrong with me.

During college I was stressed to the point of being catatonic when I wasn’t at work or school. My mental health was tanking in every possible way… but the pressure cooker of school and work kept me hemmed in and my desire to prove that I was someone worth loving (because god knows I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me…No one was simply going to show up for me or simply be there. I had to earn it.)

…. then we moved to Seattle and I had three years at Amazon in that pressure cooker of a job… (10 to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week) working as a Lead running a team of 200 people to keep me too busy to feel my feelings or connect to emerging myself.

At some point after I graduated and it no longer mattered, I remember MJ came to visit me one time. That was nice of her. Thank you for trying, MJ.

But heres the fun part: Mark. Mark loved me.

Mark is the very first and to this day ONLY person who has been intimately involved in my life who loves and respected me just as I am.

It was Mark loving me that allowed me to start developing a voice and for that very young very traumatized person inside of me to start coming to the surface. Mark was the very best thing that has ever happened to me….and, ironically, it was because he loved me that all that evil finally came to the surface…and was our demise.

All the things dad did to me, all the never ending abuse from mom that sought to vilify and demoralize me… all of the hurt from the abandonment from my brothers and sisters… all that evil came up because he Loved me enough to make me feel safe and supported…I just didn’t know that then and couldn’t see or feel that he was the most tremendous gift this life has ever given me ….

and I started sexually assaulting myself in my sleep (woke up one time with an entire box of tampons inside of me and had to go to the doctor to get them all out). I would throw punches in my sleep. I was having an utter mental breakdown/ breakthrough… and then I started acting out sexually with other men that I met online. I felt like I was being puppet mastered from some evil unknown source. I was manic and acting out sexually. That default programing from my childhood was calling the shots. I didn’t have a sense of self so I was acting from what I knew and what Dad taught me about myself and the self-worth that mom made sure I didn’t have.

I say acting out sexually. What I should say is reenacting the trauma…which there was so very much of. I was on auto pilot and at that time if you asked me if that’s what I wanted to be doing I would have said yes out of programming but the core truth of who I am knew it was not at all right or who I am or what I wanted…that core didn’t have a voice yet.

2001, Amazon had laid us all off. I got hired working at a treatment center for abused youth. I was major depressive and would be fetal position on the floor and cry for a month at a time but I didn’t know why or what was wrong… I was just deeply goddamn depressed and wanted to die. All the time. Goddamn. Let it end.

Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was happening. He was the perfect boyfriend. He tried so hard to help me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect man to come in to my life…and he was stuck with me. Mentally fucked Melissa with no clue what was wrong… and worst of all, I thought I had to get out of my relationship with Mark.

Crazy,right?….I asked Mom for help. She had no relationship with me and no clue what was going on in my life…She is a complete train wreck of a human and so deep in her own denial and so wrapped up in her latest abusive relationship with a rich man that she could honestly give a fuck about me and thought the worst of me anyway… so yeah, break up with him and oh my god Melissa I don’t know what to do with you.

I kept cheating on him over and over again. I was off the rails with my manic depression. Spending, fucking, driving my car too fast…. Through a chat room, I got mixed up with a man that felt like Dad to me and I was entranced and captive to him. Mark asked me to marry him and I broke up with him, moved out.. I was off the rails with the sexual acting out/re traumatizing myself.

(Mark immediately met the woman he has since married and has been with for the past 18 years. I would give anything to have that man back in my life…Throughout these years, my memory of how he treated me has been the standard by which I have held all other men and nobody measures up….Beyond his character and integrity, the art, music and intelligence that lives within this handsome and kind man is incomparable. I blew it. Fuck. I pushed away the most incredible man I ever knew and he loved me. I still love him to this day.)

At that same time I heard a rumor at work that one of the counselors (reggie, 24) had slept with a client(raya,16). I knew reggie was capable of it (I had slept with him) so I reported it to the Unit manager, Big Mike. ……What I didn’t know is that Reggie, Mike and the guy I was so into, Cash were all friends who grew up together and in the same gang……

and so it was that month that I moved out from Mark that the man that I was so “in love with”, Cash, drugged me at a house party and raped me with 4 of his friends to teach me a lesson for reporting Reggie.

I remember sharing a beer with Cash and then feeling tired and dizzy and asking to lay down and then multiple hours of being barely coherent and having no control over my body and being passed around for everyone to fuck over and over again.

Cash was a sex trafficker and grooming me all along. No wonder he felt like home. My need for family and my daddy issues in full effect, I couldn’t break the spell. I was terrified of him and wanted him to think I was so sexy…..He was masterful with the mindfuck and kept me under his thumb at all times which felt like attention and love to me and was intense enough that I could feel it.

At that time, in Washington, you had a statue of limitations of 8 years to report a rape.

Mind you, I was so dissociative and still had no idea I was a person or had any rights to my thoughts or my body… I was really goddamn checked out at that point in my life….I was in shock. The childhood assault trauma was just surfacing and I had no words for it because it had been normalized and my feelings negated by my parents So, I didn’t know if I had been raped or not….it took me years to figure out that its wrong to drug someone and have all your friends fuck them…

I didn’t know I should or could ask for help. I didn’t believe I could be helped. I didn’t think anyone would help me. I didn’t know I was a person. I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know I could escape or how.

ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO GET HELP OR THAT I DESERVED IT???????

Whats wrong with you, Melissa?

In the meanwhile, Cash was making sure I wouldn’t report it.

He knew I was away from Mark, had a history of sexual assault and no family, and that I lived in absolute poverty so there was zero chance I could escape him.

I was in so much trouble. I needed help. I called Mom. I explained that it all to her. I explained that they were a gang. That it was sex trafficking… that I needed help…. To which she said “Let them play godfather. Whats the worst they can do?”….. (nice way to minimize the extreme danger I was in and negate me as a person, don’t you think?)

that bitch loves to see me suffer and struggle, doesn’t she. Doesn’t it make her look amazing when I look like shit? So she didn’t help me. She shit talked me to the rest of the family like I wanted to be in that situation because I was trash. Nobody helped me.

I remember talking to Mary Jane around that time explaining that I was getting counseling and she, like mom, shamed me and told me I didn’t have bipolar or something like that… She was Team Mary Ellen all the way and me getting counseling was just attention seeking or something like that.

See, this is why MJ and I have never been friends or close. I cant trust her. Shes not someone I think of as an ally. Sorry about that, MJ. Im not trying to be mean but… look at why I think that.

I really do look up to her though. She is so smart and capable. But I cant trust her and this is why.

By the way, here’s just a few of examples of the worst they can do while “playing Godfather”: They were so invested in making sure I never spoke about the rape they made sure I was living in such constant fear for my life (mental domination) that I was too scared to talk to anyone about it:

*They had voyeur cameras in my house…that they were making money off of.

*They had software on my laptop to collect all my personal data (social security, passwords, answers to security questions) so I am owned by them to this day.

*They had GPS on my car to track me everywhere I went and would leave notes on my car to let me know I was constantly being watched.

*They flipped my therapists office and stole all her files to make sure there was no record

*They poisoned my dog every day for a month while I was at work…I would come home to Milo cowering in the corner like he had been abused all day long and diarrhea all over the floor until one day I yelled out in my home with nobody there that I would find Cashs son and do the same to him…and I went online and found his childs home address…yelled that out to my empty apartment…and after that day Milo was never sick again….

*Then there are the 2 times they broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, drugged me in my sleep and did whatever and dumped me at the park. One of those time I woke up with half my face slack and paralyzed as though I had a stroke. By the grace of god I got the feeling back but to this day its still a little droopy.

*They sent their equally psycho boy Alex into my life to keep watch on me. He was horribly mentally abusive. I was so broken and demoralized. I needed to get away. Instead, I got pregnant. Alex also gave me syphilis ..and so I had an abortion. I had to get two Orders of Protection to get Alex away from me. When I called mom for help with the pregnancy, she was off the rails hysterical and I was yet even more scared and alone. Mom blamed me for all of it. Further evidence Im trash. I got pregnant by a mistake by a black man.

There is more, I mean it was 8 years of daily torture… but I think you get the idea. Complete mental domination was the name of their game.

I had no friends. None. I was so fucked up. I was terrified to speak to anyone because everything felt like danger. Just these men showing up when they felt like to to fuck me and terrorize me. Eight years. My 30s. I was miserable beyond the telling of it.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. I needed help. I was so scared. I needed my family. I got yelled at and shamed. I was so alone. I wanted to die. I was so depressed and fucked up. Goddamn. Let it end. And the worst of it all is that I really didn’t even have myself. I never had a chance to be safe enough to develop a self. I was a shell of a human. I was out of my head. I was so checked out with the PTSD and the trauma of it all. I was scared to be alive. Soul fracturing is real.

This was how I spent my 30s. Somehow pulling myself together to go to work during the day because I didn’t want to be homeless, coming home and having a total mental collapse at night and all the while being mentally tortured by a gang of sex traffickers and when I reached to my family for help I got blamed for being a fucked up piece of shit.

I had no one. When I talk about my isolation and how alone I am, its cumulative. Its all this and more.

I don’t need to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas to be with someone for the holidays. I don’t need to get a dog. I need family. I need to be validated on a daily basis that I matter and am loveable just as I am. I need someone safe who is simply there. I need people in my life who celebrate me without me asking. I need people who are there for those simple mundane acts of living that define us…I need to come home to love.

The miracle: I kept myself employed and was successful in my corporate career path, I kept myself housed, and drug and alcohol free the entire time. I had the where with all to get counselling and try to work through my shit. I never gave up on myself even though I didn’t yet know who I am and my family had absolutely written me off from day one.

Then the Recession happened. I, of course, had never learned money management skills so there really wasn’t any savings to rely on. I was comfort eating like a motherfucker, I had student loans, a car payment and insurance and a foolishly large and expensive apartment, I had these lecherous men that were taking advantage of me financially too… I was manic depressive… I was paying for counselling (which if I am not mistaken over the years has totaled $100k) But to be honest, I don’t know where my money went… so when the Recession hit it took about 2 months before I was selling off everything I own and living in my car….where I stayed for the next year with my dog.

Nobody help me stay safe or in my integrity. I had no friends in Seattle to turn to. Mom told me to put my things in garbage bags and throw it all away…take the dog to the pound… and work with my counselor (she was angry about me getting help because she perceived it as being me trying to vilify her and this was her chance to punish me for getting help) and find a shelter to check in to because I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

Let me say that again: My mom knew I was losing everything, told me to throw my life away, dump my kid at the pound and told me to check into a shelter, I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

MY MOM.

Shes sees me as trash. She threw me away. Doesn’t she look amazing when Im failing?

Work in Seattle was impossible to find. I literally had 700 resumes out. Understand, I have held a job consistently since I was 15 years old and somehow mom thought this moment was me being a lazy piece of shit and just trying to manipulate her for money when I asked for help.

Sure. Ok.

I spent the next year in my car with no money coming in other than whatever odd jobs I could grab on craigslist to make my car payment. I drove back to North Carolina to seek help from my friends and my brother. My friends back home were not in a position to help me in any long lasting way but bless them all for what they did…

but Jim 2, who lives in Raliegh, was. He just declined. He made me a sandwich…told me there was nothing he could do for me (he has three houses)…and I spent the night in my car outside my brother’s house.

I had an ex acquaintance from Seattle who lived in Raleigh. He was part of the abuser sex trafficking gang. He let me sleep on the floor but would beat the shit out of me if I tried to sleep on the couch. I was so demoralized and out of my head, I needed literally anyone to be there for me….so, I stayed there, on the floor, for a month.

My brother was 15 minutes away, could have kept me safe but my brother chose to do nothing to help me.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. My family. Definitely gonna say my family.

When it was clear that North Carolina wasn’t going to be any better for work than Seattle I decided to drive back to the west coast. I had to drive through Texas and I didn’t stop at Moms house. I didn’t even try. Why would I? I was so hopeless and out of my head with depression and PTSD. I was screaming into the great black nothing. I was cutting myself all over to get the evil out. I would punch my own face black and blue from self loathing… again, thinking it was all my fault and that I was defective. I mean… my own family didn’t want me. Nobody did. It was me. I was a horrible piece of shit and deserved to die. Nobody loved or wanted me. Nobody kept me safe. I was deeply lost in the void. I wanted to die. Goddamn. Let it end.

That year in the car was by far worse than the 8 years of being tortured by sex traffickers or the 13 years of living with my sex predator father or the 7 years of being stuck in bumfuck North Carolina with my moms abuser boyfriend stealing the show.

Without question having nobody and knowing that nobody cares if you are safe, in your integrity, have a door to lock, privacy of any kind, if you are fed or showered… knowing for a demonstrated fact that there is not a single person on earth who cares enough to validate your humanity is the absolute worst feeling I have ever known. Being completely dehumanized, demoralized, erased. I begged for death.

Whats wrong with you Melissa?

Fun fact: during that time, instead of helping me or offering me a job at her business doing the exact job I did so well at Amazon (I asked for one and told her I would sleep in the attic at the office and she told me No), to mock me and show me what a failure I am and that I was just trying to manipulate her for money because Im a lazy loser

Mom went to her local Costco and applied for a job to show me how easy it was for her to get hired.

I mean, if youre going to be void of a soul, you should really go for it. Kudos, Mom.

I drove through California on the way back home to Seattle and met my sister Patty for the first time. We look like two peas in a pod. We think exactly the same. She is undeniably my sister. It was the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my entire life I actually felt and thought the same as someone else.

She casually declined to introduce me to her family. They kept looking at me incredulously because we look just the same… but she would shoo them away when they would come over to talk. I met her at her restaurant and then she took me to her palatial home. She has a huge family. She had tons of photo albums… and then she started talking about Dad…like she was in a trance and talking about a favorite lover… it was clear that Dad had sexualized her and maintained that relationship with her well into her adult life and that was the reason she had no contact with us and didn’t want a deeper relationship with me. One conversation was all I got with her. I slept in my car outside her home. My sister didn’t help me. Whats wrong with you Melissa???

In one shot from LA I drove back to Seattle. I figured out that the Queen Anne neighborhood had the lowest crime rate so I parked there. I was so sick to death of all the nights that year that I would wake up with someone trying to break in to the car. Thank god I had Milo with me. He saved me multiple times from intruders that year. My body was a wreck from car living and shit food. My mental health beyond destroyed. I was really just done. Run through. All the way run through.

I did a brief stint staying in Silverdale with my friend from NC that I managed to re connect with on my drive back… but the hour drive into Seattle from Silverdale was too much so I lumped it and just slept in my car in Queen Anne once I secured my job…..

I went in to Top Pot Doughnuts every day for a month and demanded a job until they gave me one. I was 8 weeks into that job, still sleeping in the car but I had forward momentum when I totaled the car. I had the very last car payment in the seat next to me I had worked so fucking hard to maintain my payments in good faith despite it all and come out of that situation with my car but nope…fuck me. I was on my way to the gym and I was giving myself a pep talk telling myself everything was going to be ok….and I ate it…40 miles an hour into a stopped truck on the West Seattle Bridge. Entirely my fault. Milo went to the pound. All my earthly belongings went to the impound yard. I went to the ER…. And I called every single person I knew and who I thought could help me.

Just when you think you have nothing left, turns out you can go lower. Nobody returned my call.

Me, the unwanted, loveable piece of shit. I could die and nobody cared. Whats wrong with you Melissa?

I got out of the hospital, I had made contact with my online friend Rishad and he let me stay for a couple days… BLESS HIM… In those two days I got on the bus. I took the bus that goes through Capitol Hill and up to Queen Anne where my job was. I wrote down every apartment for rent phone number I could see and I started making calls. In the first true lucky break I had in years, this apartment manager woman at a really sweet little apartment on the hill heard me out…heard my story… it was the 15th of the month. I had my car payment check and I cashed it and gave her the money… She gave me the keys and a wink and told me I could move in “on the first”, that’s what the money I gave her would pay for…. and that she definitely didn’t know anything about a dog so no pet fee was needed.

I went right upstairs, LOCKED MY OWN DOOR and laid on the floor with literally nothing left to my name and cried so fucking hard.

I had whiplash from the accident. I fractured 4 molars on my steering wheel and over the years as my dentist promised they have slowly one by one fallen out of my face. I had broken both my feet and wracked my knees…. But I had a place that was my own and a job and that’s all that mattered.

I went right to the pound the next day and got Milo. I went to the impound lot and got what was left of my life. I missed a sum total of two days of work…. I was so thankful to have a job again I blocked out the pain from my broken body and I just kept going.

(Mind you the only thing Mom has ever been proud of me for in my lifetime is losing weight. That’s what got her attention…that’s what she was impressed by. I went on a diet.)

That next year, I lost 70 pounds at the gym. I perceived my training team as the family I never had and I was good at lifting weights. They weren’t honestly my friends or family but it was something consistent and I needed that stability and I needed them so fucking bad. It took 5 years to start to return to a somewhat functioning human... Lifting helped me get back into my body and stop checking out so much. My nutrition plan made me focus on myself every moment of every day…and nothing beats depression like clean food and working out. Structure and consistency.

My PTSD was off the rails though. I was worse than a soldier coming back from war…I never signed up for that shit and it started when I was a child. I was suffering. I wanted to die. Every moment of every day. I was miserable to be around. Nobody wanted to be my friend. So, trust me…just work and the gym with my illusion that people were there for me and me inappropriately and overly attached to them.

The irony is that I looked amazing and strong and I was, yes. The reality is that I wanted to die. I begged for death. I had two suicide attempts in those years….I surprised myself and cut my wrist with my house keys on the way to work one day and another time I walked into traffic but the car swerved.

Coming out of all that happened and processing all that trauma took more will power and resolve than anything I have ever done. It was so dark. I felt demon possessed. I was out of my head. I would find myself walking out of my place into public with no skirt on just my tights or other crazy shit like that. I was talking to myself, having heated arguments with nobody there all the fucking time. I was punching myself in the face. I was cutting and other such self harm.

It was really bad. I was hurting so fucking much.

And, I had another sociopath boyfriend taking full advantage of my disadvantage…keeping me fucked up because it kept me there for him. Thomas was in my life for 7 years. Absolute Scum. But he was the only person who would show up in person for me. I needed to be held. I was so out of my head and I still had no friends in my life…just people on the internet.… So again, this familiar situation: I just let him use me so I could have literally anyone there. The social and emotional isolation was killing me and I was convinced I was in love. He felt like home. He kept telling me we would be together if I waited. That he loved me. That I was the Key! I was the only time he was happy. The reality was he wouldn’t speak to me during the week. He would just show up on a Friday or Saturday night when he felt like it, from 1am to 3am…literally show up with his dick out to fuck me…very often wouldn’t speak to me when he was there…then he would leave and that was what I considered my relationship and love. It was about 2 years into our “relationship” that the truth slowly started to surface that he was in a long term relationship and he lived with her….

The details of how twisted he is and how he manipulated my daddy issues is disgusting. How he used neglect to keep me working so hard for him to be there and begging for his attention….really sick.

He felt like home which is the worst part. He was exactly like home.

It took me three years at the doughnut shop to get emotionally stabilized enough to make a plan for next steps. I was too emotionally fragile to go back to corporate work or be in an office environment. I knew I wanted to go to massage school and I really thought it could be an answer for me even though Mary Jane and mom had previously shamed and mocked me when I said I wanted to go. Mom didn’t think I could be anything better than a waitress. She told me to stop complaining that I hated my work and just go do it.

It was around this time that I had to move out of the apartment because they raised the rent by double on my sweet apartment and I found my way into squatting in my Art studio, where I have been for the past 7 years.

This studio has been so needed and healed me in so many ways. It is private enough to have a complete mental collapse and since it was a former isolation tank/jail… Nobody can get in here….bars over the windows and a steel door…so, I could sleep at night for the first time in years. The rent is crazy affordable which allowed me to go to school and later afford activities to try to learn social skills and be a real person in the world…. This place is my everything.

When I had my first art show… consisting of the photos that I took when I was living in my car. One of the ways I survived and changed my paradigm to get out of the car alive was that I would walk around and task myself with Looking through the eyes of Love. I would try to find one thing each day that I could see beauty in so I could continue to see good in the world…thus my collection of flower photos that I maintain to this day as my gratitude practice.

Mom picked up the phone and called me the night of my show.

(Mind you, she has never been there for me. Over the years since she kicked me out I think we have talked on the phone maybe 10 times. There have been years where she refused to give me her phone number…she made a game of it for years…I would email and ask for it she would say she was going to give it to me in her reply but never would. Then she finally did and a week later she changed it again. Psycho. Another time I can remember a time we talked on the phone and I ended by saying I love you and she was silent and struggled to say it back. Whats incredible is that she has always pretended to be someone who knows me and knows whats going on in my life and talks about it with such authority. This is a narcissistic abuser in action. What she was doing was scanning my social media and whatever scraps of information she could get and twisting it into whatever story she needed to support her storyline about me being a problem child and a fuck up and what a wonderful mother she is so she could continue to live in denial. She cant face the past and she has never done any work to own her part or apologize. So, now Ive cut her off. She does things now like call the place where I get my mail and had the people who run the PO box office tell me my mother called and she is worried about me and she asked them for whatever information they had on me -so I had to get a new PO Box place where the owners have English as a distant 2nd language- or she will go through my friends list on social media and contact people to see if they will keep tabs on me for her and share her story about what a problem I am and how she is just a loving mother who I have scorned and of course people believe her. She said the magic word: Mother. Nobody would suspect what kind of Mother she actually is and they see me all angry, regressed emotionally like a child and so fucked up and struggling in the world so she must me right about me, yeah? Text book actions when you try to break away from a Narcissist)

So…I get into the studio and Im all set up for my show and she called me to say this: “So, youre having an art show huh? You think youre so great. Youre still alone though aren’t you? (the mean girl was jealous that I somehow retained a sense of self and did something neat to be proud and again, she wanted to punish me…the woman is demented.) You know, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that damn dog.” And then she laughed at me. Made some shit comment about my basement studio “not having air” and some other bullshit and we ended the call. My party guests were arriving. My self-confidence was missing in action for the rest of my night. Nice, right? That’s my mom.

Shortly after I get in to the Studio Milo got sick. Really really sick. As I promised him from day one, I would never let him suffer for my own selfish reasons…. So, I rented a car, took him to the vet and had him put down. The love of my life and my great protector. This sweet soul that was my constant source of love and hope for 14 years. When I posted on my facebook thread about his passing, mom commented that she was devastated at her loss. Because, you know… Milos death, this dog that she wanted me to throw away, was about how it impacted HER. …yeah….ok.

I want to mention out of the context of a clear timeline that somewhere in here I trained for and ran two Tough Mudders. They are 12 mile courses with 20 really fucking hard obstacles. They are designed to be run with a team. I ran them both solo because nobody wanted to join me. On the days that I went to the events, neither my Trainer or the man I was so in love with, Thomas, sent me as much as a good luck text to wish me well or acknowledge my accomplishment. My previously 215 pound ass had shrunk to 140 pounds and, at 40 years old ran a team event solo and made it through in TWO AND A HALF HOURS completing every single obstacle, no excuses…. And nobody who should have been excited and invested in my success said a word.

I was still invisible. I still did not matter. I was still not celebrated by the people who should have been there for me.

I want to point this out: Even I did not think I mattered or what I was doing was noteworthy. I was still so checked out and erased to myself that it didn’t click in my head that my life and all that I was doing and surviving was me doing the impossible.

My friend Luke (who I met online dating but I knew we were meant to be solid friends for life) made a point to come with me to the first Tough Mudder. He spent the entire day out there and he took photos of me… He is the reason that I can now reflect on what I did and actually SEE MYSELF. That gift is immeasurable. Luke evidenced me. Im here today as a whole person in part because of him. Also of note, the transition time between the apartment and the studio: Luke let me stay with him. He kept me safe and he was my sounding board and my true friend. I have nothing but the deepest most heartfelt love and respect for him. His story is equally harrowing and he is a miracle in action. Thank you Luke. I love you. Youre in my inner circle for life.

Now that Milo was gone and I was feeling somewhat more stabilized as a human, I knew it was time to make my career plan and try to get into massage school. Here is the next great stroke of luck in my lifetime: I went to Discovery Point and I talked to the women that run the school I explained my situation and that I was completely broke. They let me go to school for free in those 9 months with the understanding that I would clean the school on the weekends, make what payments I could as I went along and work out a payment plan immediately after graduation and that they would hold my diploma until that was complete. OH SWEET MERCY.

My days during those 9 months were 17 hours long. I would manage the café in the morning 5am to 1pm, go to the gym to lift and run from 2 to 4, then to school from 5 to 10pm…all the while walking to get to each place. I was getting something like 12 miles a day. I did it. I made my 9 months of cleaning the school and keeping my life on track ( no cheering section, nobody doing laundry, cooking, keeping bills paid or there to comfort me but me: Whats new?) , I passed my exam and I was on track to move my life forward.

I feel like there should have been a celebration when I graduated because that’s fucking astounding…. but, hey… nothing happened, nobody in my life said a word of congratulations about it. Surprise.

I live alone. I have no friends beyond those that exist on the computer, acquaintances from community, and a few co workers that I have hung out with from time to time and I always make a big deal about that on social media which gives the illusion that I have people, but I really dont. My only contact with others is at work. I go home to an empty room and there is no support or comfort. Its really impossible to describe to people who have people what it is like to live with this constant isolation and utter lack of emotional intimacy and how it eats you alive…but this has been my life.

People who don’t understand tell me to get a dog or volunteer or pay for therapy for companionship. That’s a cruel tone deaf response. People need people and it is reasonable to want to be loved, intimately, from the outside in. What I want is to simply matter, and be loved and valued, and have someone who is there without having to do something to receive that…..

Because I have yet to be understood when I talk about it, I have for the most part stopped talking about my isolation that is to this day very real for me.

Im so lonely I just want to die. Whats new.

In the next year, I was waiting tables still and somehow managed to pay off $10k for my license… on a year where I only made $24k. again, no celebration when I told my co workers about it…. I thought it was a big deal.

During that year I went to the doctor and discovered that I was literally malnourished. I was pushing it too hard with working out and keeping everything on track and my personal trainer wasn’t actually reading the food journal I sent him each night… so I got pneumonia as well….but just kept going.

I also got my Personal Training Cert and my Nutrition Counseling cert that year and started working as a Personal Trainer while I looked for a Massage job. Things were lightening up for me. The tremendous crushing weight of my entire life was lightening up.

But the reality of who my Trainer was and what a fraud he was came to the light. He was sleeping with some of his clients and I have a laundry list of unethical things he, and his business partner, were doing. When I held him accountable that was the last straw for him. He was sick to death of weathering my PTSD and how fucked up and sick I was and how fucked up I was over Thomas all the goddamn time… and additionally I was calling out all the ways he was unethical: I was bad for business. I was bad for him in the fitness community.

He kept gaslighting me to try to get me to leave but that was my community for 5 years and I didn’t know what to do…….So, Matt did whats guys do: Shes crazy… and shit talked me throughout the fitness community. He kicked me out of his gym and I now have no gym to work out at and no trainers willing to work with me. Thanks Matt! Super appreciate you!

I maintained my own lifting program for another year but honestly, I was in it for the community and sense of belonging that I never had before in my life. Without that and with Matt shit talking me in the background so I had no support elsewhere my program started to slip…. Add to that, I had begun working full time in massage and my shoulder got burnt out. I have a repetitive stress injury from my Amazon days that was made worse at Tough Mudder when I got my arm yanked nearly out of its socket in an obstacle… so, Lifting started to fade… and honestly, I was burnt out on the regiment of it all. I needed a break. I deserved a huge break.

I think it was right around 2014 when Mom had me come to Houston for Thanksgiving as though we are friends or she was a Mom. The highlights of that visit include her telling me the reason I wasn’t welcome in Houston during the Recession was because her husband Rumi forbade it.

(I forgot to mention that all through the years of her being with Rumi she has painted this picture of him being physically and emotionally abusive. That she was hiding money to escape him and what a horror he is. She had some secret email account that she sent me emails from at one point and told me that she was trying to hack his email to see who he was having affairs with or some other drama….. but you know if you ask Jim2 who his best friend is, its Rumi…apparently they text all the time…so, you know…she loves to lie and paint these horrific pictures of who people are to support whatever her manipulation is to get sympathy or whatever pay off)

Anyway, While I was in Houston visiting her she was acting like everything was normal and fine and that I had just made up whatever it was that I went through during the Recession. She reminded me that since I “left home” at 18 she has had to give me something like $20k in support and implied what a burden I am and how I always have my hand out. She has kept track of the financial support she gave me as a parent and wanted me to feel like shit for needing her. Cool….

Another example of how mentally deranged she is: While I was there we went out to lunch. Mind you, I have maybe $100 to my name at that time. I offered to pay for lunch at this fast food place and after we ordered she commanded me to go pick a table. So I got a booth with a chair. I sat on the booth side so I was facing the café and could see her when she came out of the restroom… I waved her over and she sat in the chair. Unbeknownst to me, the booth side made me taller than the chair side…. She got this twisted angry look and became livid that I thought I was better than her. Paying for lunch and sitting above her like that….. The next day Mom and Rumi started playing a really fun game where they forgot my name and kept calling me “Savannah” (my niece) for the remainder of the time I was there …. You know… because at 44, they saw me as a child. Nothing like a little game of erasing your daughter’s person hood and replacing it with infantilism to let your daughter know you really see her and respect her.

I really hope this is making clear why I have a strict no contact in place with her that I will never change.

Now its 2017 and I get hired at my dream job. The Spa that I am at is beautiful. My co workers are the best. I make really fine money. My mental health is slowly coming together. I got Thomas out of my life and have enough mental clarity now to really see him for who he is. I had spent yet another holiday season alone and the isolation was killing me, as per usual…so I decided that the best thing for me to do to help pull me out of my PTSD and stop being so scared to be seen or heard would be to go to music school…. Learn how to make friends for the first time in my adult life and be with people who were not my co workers. Try to trust people again. Try to trust that I could be liked for who I am….though rejection has been a very prevalent theme in my life… Try to learn some social skills that I missed out on basically my entire life.

How to simply hang out and play….was brand fucking new to me. Music school was really really really hard… not to mention I have no musical ability and I get triggered by stress pretty quickly and freeze… but I knew it was the right thing to do to reparent the kid inside me who never learned to make friends or be in activities with others and who wanted to play drums…. So hell yeah. I did it.

Thank you to Katy,Tracy,Melissa,and Kiyan for coming out to see a couple of those shows and being there to support me. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

I thought if I could make friends there I would have people to go out with and maybe could have a chance to meet a man and have a relationship… but all the women there were married with children and had little interest in going out at night, and I still wasn’t fully integrated as a Self yet… so that was a bust.

Music school was really me making up for my 20s and 30s when I should have been out at shows and hanging with friends and making art and and dating but instead I was being mentally tortured by my entire life. I gave it a good shot, but Im a mixed media artist not a musician and that’s really that. I have to take it in stride: Bless my heart for trying. Thank you to all my bandmates for being so kind and supportive of me and for being stellar humans

I was in my first year of Music school when I met the most amazing man, Joe. He was magical. He honestly loved me for me and I loved him right back. It was fast and deep and I felt so completely seen and wanted by him and OH MY GOD I NEEDED THAT FOR SO LONG. He made incredible things happen and took me on dates that made me feel like a Queen…. But Joe was terminally ill and two months later took his own life. I was in shock again….but kept going as I do.

Also out of context of timeline: When I got into that sweet little apartment I would go down to Edge of the Circle which was just a couple blocks away and get Tarot readings from Raven and Kiyan. I didn’t know how to simply ask for friendship so I would buy Tarot readings to have someone to talk to. These two helped me so much in so many ways…through their compassion and through helping me develop my Self and my skills. Over and over again these two have shown up as real people who have treated me with integrity. People who genuinely care about me and support me in my developing personhood. Ive made it through because of them and so many others along the way.

The shitty thing about being knocked out of your self is that even though you have people around you who care, you often cant see it or feel it and like a dick minimize what people are doing for you because the all-consuming feeling that nobody is there is so much larger than the gentle loving efforts of those around you…. And what happens: you push away the people who are there for you because they have self-respect and youre unwittingly being a dick. I want to say Im really sorry about this because I know for sure Ive done this.

Also out of context of timeline: Somewhere in here I started working in Tarot and caught a lucky break and got hired at Percys to be their Reader. Huge shout out to Krista who made that so possible for me. That Tarot night did more for my sense of Self and well being than I can explain and I was a success there largely because Krista made it so beautiful and kept that night going for me.

I also want to say Thank you to Tracy, Katy, and of course Brian who were my friends and co workers at the RowHouse Café… through those early massage school years. Endless support and encouragement from these guys, even when I was too fucked up to really receive it or reflect it back. Im really lucky to have met you and have had you in my life.

It was right around the solar eclipse and the night before that hurricane hit and flooded Houston and moms house got flooded that I emailed her a long list of things she had done that hurt me and explained that I would be taking time away from her and Id let her know when we could speak again. The next morning after I sent that email I again felt puppet mastered…. But this time by the little kid inside me… I literally woke up, jumped out of bed and started to dance. I was filled with glee. I was amazed by myself. I don’t know where that came from except to say that the kid inside me was OVERJOYED to be free of her.

In the coming years I kept proving to myself that I wont let her back in and that Im safe now… and as I have been staying true to this practice of not letting her, or anyone like her, back in my life… I have become happier and more whole as a human being…. More capable of making good choices in friends and finances….

She made an attempt to contact me around the holidays this year. I saw her call but let it go to voice mail. The message she left was something to the tune of her wanting to know if I had forgiven her yet and gotten over it. …See, because its about me and what I need to do because its my damage that is the problem here…. Nothing had changed with her. It was still my fault. No apology. No self reflection. Had I forgiven her yet. For fucks sake: I will never forgive her.

I have learned to celebrate myself, take my self on vacations and to my great delight I had friends who spent time with me and took care of me!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!, give myself the compassion and nurturing that I always wished I had and reasonably should have had from my family. I have been working on being able to see the love that is there for me from the people that I have in my life, though I still struggle with that. I have been working so hard on Self Love, Self Respect, Healthy boundaries, creating safety and stability in my life in all way and I know that Im doing great work because my inner me, those little kids inside of me that needed a parent are really responding to the parenting Im giving them…. Check this out:

A month or so after I declined her call I was out at the café in my neighborhood, having a treat and a coffee and doing some writing. I was sitting at the table and this incredible feeling came over me as though a golden light was shining on me and I could see it glittering down on me. I started laughing and crying like when you cum really hard and youre filled with ecstasy and bliss. And then I had a vision of being in a hospital room that was in the forest… it was just two walls of the room and then the woods…I could see deer and birds. In the hospital bed there was a person in a full body cast. The cast had moss growing on it and tiny sprouts of pine trees. The Doctor walked in to the room to check on the patient. I was both the Doctor and the Patient. I told myself: Hey, its time to get you out of there. And I grabbed my circle saw and started to cut my cast from end to end and crack to open like a sarcophagus. I told myself Welcome Back! We are so glad you are here!!! Go slow, take your time getting up. No rush.

I was so elated. I walked home immediately. Upon arriving at my studio I had another vision of all the ages of myself, down to the youngest and up to the oldest and wisest all linking hands. I recognized these women as my Sisters/MySelf… all of us agreed that the next would watch out for the next and that nobody would ever hurt us again. SOUL RECLAMATION.

For the first time in my life I am here, in this body, in this present moment. The first time in my life I am ME. Im currently 6 months in to my actual LIFE. THIS IS ME. I AM HERE. OH MY GOD. I MADE IT.

Yes now, of course, the world is ending and my career in massage is tenuous at best and I might be fucked again…. But so not worried because honestly, Ive survived worse with less. So I will figure this out and keep myself alive, housed and fed.

Over the years my attempts to talk it out with Mom were pointless… she would erase my feelings and angrily tell me that it was hard on all of us. She would hold no space for me and just be my mom and have some compassion for her baby girl. Nope: It was hard on all of us so stop complaining… but see, I was a child and they were my parents and that was my family and I had no choice…. So really, at this point, Im done. Im better off on my own.

I don’t know what else to say other than those yearly years were tremendously bad for everyone in my family, yes. I can now at this time in my life see and understand why everyone did what they did…. That my parents were also victims of abuse from their parents and all that and yeah, I have compassion and Im really sorry they had to go through that….But it doesn’t make it ok or make mom someone I will let back in my life. I mean, I went through it and Ive dedicated my lifes work to helping others heal and I try to be so good to everyone around me so…. No excuses. And, I still have questions like: Fuck, why did dad never go to jail? Im guessing it was about the money…..and really, how did nobody in my family see that I needed help?

Anyway… Ive done epic amount of self work to be here today as a whole person and really change my reality to one where I have value and can share love. Im still working on it… My social anxiety is still the worst. I can barely form words into sentences when Im out in public and I dont have a job to do as my role to play....but you know, I keep trying and its easier and keeps getting easier… and I have amazing friends like Brad to have mini adventures with… and I have my Studio to do my art in and now that Im feeling so much more whole as a person I think I might actually see some work through to completion that I can be proud of… and I have a job that I love and Im getting training for some other skills to expand my skillset and I feel that things can only get better from here so

I feel so lucky to be alive and so fucking grateful to be me and I really like myself. It’s a miracle. All things are possible if you just remember: LOVE IS THE KEY and keep moving in that direction.

That’s my experience and now you know.

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sicklilspidey · 5 years

Text

I Love You 3000 (appendicitis)

It's currently Saturday afternoon and Peter had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and watch movies with his sister Morgan. Peter absolutely loved days like this, between his patrolling and training with his dad, he felt like he didn't spend as much time as he would like with his little sister. Peter started thinking about when he was her age and how different his life was back then. Don't get him wrong, he loves his life now with the Stark's but sometimes he missed his real parents. He also missed his aunt May but knew she had his best interests in mind when she gave Tony full parental rights over him.

“ Look bubba, he touched the butt” morgan said laughing, which snapped peter out of his thoughts. They were watching finding nemo for what felt like the fifteenth time that day. Peter couldn't help but giggle at how enthusiastic Morgan was. Suddenly he got a sharp pain in his stomach which caused him to hiss. It caught morgans attention.

“Are you okay bubba” she asked sympathetically. “Yeah, bug im fine, dont worry about me” he responded trying to reassure her.

“I'm not a bug, you are” she giggled. “ no silly, it was just a nickname, but you're not technically wrong” he laughed, even though he was still in pain.

“ I think im gonna go get some food, do you want anything” he asked. “ POPCORN” morgan yelled. Peter had never heard here say something that excitedly and he couldn't help but smile. While he was in the kitchen, he searched through the cabinets looking for something to soothe the throbbing in his gut.

“Can I help you find something” the voice made peter jump.

“Woah kid, i didn't mean to startle you” tony said through his laughter.

“Dad, you know not to sneak up on me” peter said, face red with embarrassment.

"Your spidey senses off or something” tony asked while ruffling his son's hair.

“Stooooop, and i don't know, maybe they're just being slow because im tired” peter whined.

“How could you be tired, all you've done today is watch nemo a thousand times” tony replied.

“Hey, in my defense it's a good movie” Peter said as they both laughed.

"Back to my original question since we got off topic. What were you looking for" Tony asked. Peter hesitated. He didnt want his dad worrying about him because he had a stupid stomach ache.

“Just looking for some tums, all the popcorn we've been eating is giving me indigestion” peter replied. ‘Really Peter, indigestion. That's the stupidest lie ever’ he thought to himself. Appearently it wasnt too stupid because Tony seemed to have bought it.

“Okay, well if that's the case i'd say lay off on the popcorn then” tony said as he walked out of the kitchen.peter knew he couldn't risk getting caught, he had too much going on this coming up week and he couldn't afford a sick day. He made his way back to the living room and plopped onto the couch.

“ Hey! Wheres my popcorn” he hear morgan say from the floor.

“Shit, i'm sorry. I totally spaced it” he replied

“Language “ she giggled. Peter dozed off soon after that. When he woke up it was dark and he noticed morgan wasn't in the room anymore. He also noticed a blanket on himself. 'mom must have put it on me when she got Morgan' he thought. He went to sit help and realized the pain in his stomach was still there and it had worsened. He decided it would be best to sleep it off. 'Maybe if i get a good night's rest in my own bed it will help' he thought. Little did he know, he couldn't have been more wrong.

When peter woke up to say he was in agony was an understatement. He was in so much pain he didn't want to move, but he knew he had to. He had a show to put on for people so no one knew that he was sick. He decided he'd skip on his morning patrol, which was unusual for him, he just knew not much would happen in the morning. He made his way done to the kitchen and the smell of bacon hit him like a ton of red bricks.

"Hope your hungry. I've been cooking for two hours to make sure I had enough for tony, Morgan, you, and that monster you call a metabolism" peper laughed as she saw Peter walked through the doorway. Tony and morgan were already at their usual spot at the table.

"Hey, Albert Einstein called and said he wants his hair back" tony said making fun of his son's bed head.

"Good one daddy" morgan laughed.

"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week" tony said while bowing. Pepper laughed from the kitchen.

When breakfast finally made it to the table, peter couldn't stand to look at it, but he knew he had it eat it. He slowly forced himself to take bite after bite until he was sure no one would ask him any questions. When he was done he went back up to his room to shower, then he crawled back into bed.

The next few days were relatively the same. Peter would wake up wanting to scream because of how bad his stomach was hurting, he'd force himself to eat, throw up after words and repeat the cycle over and over again.

When he woke up on Wednesday morning something was different. The pain in gis stomach moved. It wasn't all over but now it made itself at home on his lower right abdomen. Peter moaned when he got up and did the routine he'd been doing since Sunday morning. He was about to climb in bed after puking his guts out when tony walked in.

"Hey kiddo, steve and Natasha are here and they want to spar. Get your workout gear on and meet me upstairs" he said before leaving again

Peter sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was spar, but he knew he had to keep the act up. So he got up, changed and made his way to the sparring facility upstairs.

"Hey spiderling, glad you could join us" Natasha said, shooting peter a smile. He nodded in response and went to sit next to his dad on the bench.

"Okay, listen up. Natasha, you're with Tony, and kid, you're with me" steve said walking into the facility. Peter wanted to bolt. He knew there was no way this would end well and he was right.

Peter's spidey sense was on the fritz and he was having a hard time concentrating. He knew he got a few hits in but that's all he could recall before Steve hits his right side at full force. Peter was done, he couldn't hide it any longer. He doubled over and started coughing.

"Woah kid, sorry didn't mean to knock the wind outta ya" steve said making his way to peter. When he made it to peter he froze.

"What's going on over there" natasha asked. When she didn't get a response she decided to go see what was happening herself. "Holy shit, tony you better come help your kid. Im calling bruce down here. I'll have him bring a gurney." natasha yelled while running toward the door. So many things were running through Tony's mind but he knew he had to get to his kid. When he made it to Peter, he wasn't expecting such a horrific site. Peter was now on the ground cradling his stomach and next to him was a small puddle of blood. Tony didn't know what to say he just knew he had to leap into action.

" Friday, call pepper and tell her we need her up here ASAP" tony yelled.

"Already done sir, Ms. Romanoff and Dr. Banner are coming down the hall also sir" friday responded.

Tony picked peter up and rushed him to the door.

"Tony im so sorry i-" steve started but tony cut him off.

"Not now Steve, I have to save my son" he said with tears in his eyes.

Tony met bruce and natasha at the door and laid peters limp body on the gurney.

"What is going on, friday said you needed m-" pepper stopped talking when she saw peter.

"What happened?" she asked, tearing up.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure yet but my best bet is appendicitis" bruce said before rushing peter to the medbay.

"Mommy what's wrong with him" morgan cried. " its okay sweetie, he's just got an ouchy in his tummy, uncle bruce and daddy are taking him to the medbay, and they'll make peter all better" pepper told her distraught daughter. "Y-you promise" morgan stuttered. " I promise" pepper replied.

Pepper couldn't help but think how she didnt notice something was off with her son.

"I didn't know, i'm so sor-" steve began to say to pepper.

"Save it steve, i've got to get to peter" and with that she picked up morgan and ran to the medbay.

When she got there she saw four doctors hooking peter up to different machines.

" bruce confirmed its his appendix, they're getting him ready for surgery" tony told his wife. " how could we not have noticed. I honestly feel like i've failed as a father" Tony added while starting to tear up again.

"Don't say that! How could we have known. He was keeping it a secret and he did one hell of a job keeping it" pepper said.

The doctors wheeled peter out of the room and into the OR.

"Mommy, where are they taking him" Morgan asked.

"They're gonna go fix your brothers ouchy and make him all better just like I told you" pepper said.

Time began to pass and both Tony and Pepper were becoming impatient. They just wanted to know their son was okay. Just then Bruce walked into the room.

"Is he okay? Did everything go well? Did save my kid?" Tony started spitting out questions left and right.

"Yes, peter is just fine he's in recovery right now and should wake up in about half an hour. If you come with me i'll take you to him." bruce said.

Before they went anywhere, morgan walked up to bruce and said " Thank you for fixing my bubba's ouchy, uncle Bruce". Bruce couldn't help but smile at the five year old.

When they made it to peter, tony was taken back. He's seen the kid in a hospital bed multiple times because of being injured on the job, but this time it was different. Peter looked so small and fragile, like the smallest gust of wind could shatter him into a million pieces.

Soon peter began stirring and he opened his eyes.

"Hey my little spiderling, how are you feeling" pepper asked.

"I've been better" peter mumbled

" ill say, why didn't you tell us you weren't feeling well. I wouldn't have asked you to spar with us." tony said.

"Tony chill out, he's only been awake for a few minutes. The lecturing can wait. Let's be grateful our son is still here" pepper said.

"You're right, im sorry. I'm really happy you're okay" he told peter. Peter nodded in acknowledgement

"Mommy, can i get up there with him" morgan asked. Pepper looked at Peter, who nodded.

"Yes baby, but you have to be careful" she said picking her daughter up. She set her on the bed. Margan careful made her way up to peters face.

"Don't ever scare me like that again, mister" she said shaking her finger in his face. Peter smiled.

"Im sorry bug, i didn't mean to scare you. I love you" he said to her.

Morgan grabbed Peter's face and smushed hers against it. "I love you 3000" she responded.

"Wait hey, that's our thing" tony said pretending to be shocked.

Everyone laughed.

It took a few days but peter healed up quick and was back out patrolling and kicking his dad's ass in training.

#peter parker sickfic #peter parker sickfics #irondad #iron dad #iron man #spiderson #spiderman #stark family #pepper potts #morgan stark #natasha romanoff #steve rogers #spiderman sickfics #i love you 3000 #captian #black widow #mcu #marvel sickfic #marvel

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esteemedhcpe · 5 years

Note

this is more like a question to mun ^^U but i realized that now Nao is the SHSL Mastermind, and im really curious how did you get to that idea? :D

An excellent question, I’m actually pleased to be asked so soon.

Nao was based off Komaeda’s beta designs, which were quite a bit darker than his current, more lovable iteration. Not just in terms of his colour palette, but what little information I’ve come across suggests he was on the path to becoming a much more serious character. There were lots of themes and ideas that went around, and without going too in-depth because we would be here all day, I weighed them up, thought up a backstory that could easily fit in without disrupting canon, or my own Nagito’s canon, too much; and then I came up with his talent last. The reason is, I wanted to remain true to my original vision of Nao, and give him a talent that suited his personality, rather than a personality that suited his talent.

Currently, Nao’s backstory isn’t up while I tweak a few tiny things to make it read easier. However, the gist of it is thus: he is Nagito’s older brother by four minutes, and does not have the same kind of luck that Nagito does. Growing up, Nao was always much closer to the child his parents wanted. He was the right kind of intelligent, the right kind of determined, the right kind of personable, and strange things never happened when he went somewhere without his twin. He had a certain ability to just make things go his way, to make people do what he wanted them to do. And so, he was showered with attention and praise, but rather than going to his head, it only ever served to make him angry. Not only was this role he was expected to play painfully restrictive, it actively excluded his best friend in the whole world.

Nagito was the one person Nao always felt he could be himself around. And between the neglect Nagito faced, and the dangers his luck put him in, Nao always felt a special sense of responsibility for him, being the only one he felt truly cared for the younger. He was the one to take care of Nagito when he was sick or injured; he would encourage his little brother’s childish whims rather than shut him down for it. When the boys lost their parents, it would often happen that relatives would desire to keep only Nao, but he refused to stay anywhere Nagito was unwelcome. As Nagito fell ill, Nao realised being sent from home to home was no way to live, and so forged a life for them his-damn-self.

Using their inheritance as a starting point, Nao managed to make something for a name for himself in various high-power circles, though what it is he does all day exactly is a complete mystery to Nagito. When the younger was invited to Hope’s Peak, Nagito initially turned the position down, as we’re aware, because he didn’t feel worthy of an Ultimate title. However, before the school could convince him, Nao stepped in and enrolled him regardless, knowing this would be instrumental in securing the best future possible for his brother. Only upon meeting him, was the Hope’s Peak staff particularly struck by this young teenage boy, who carried himself with the air and graces of a man twice his age, and many times his status. So, too, intrigued by his ability to bend the misfortune around him to his will, that he was offered an Ultimate title of his own.

Nagito, upon learning this, agreed to attend HPA on the condition that Nao enrolled too. Which he did, and the school pulled some strings to extend his class group by one so the twins could be together. However, Nao hardly – if ever – attends without cause, being too busy doing busy things, and so most people in his class automatically assume the double “Komaeda” on their roster is simply a typo.

I’ll admit, a small part of my motivation to make him a SHSL Mastermind was the amusement and potential of having such a talent be within the school before the shit hits the proverbial fan, and I’m sure I can do something fun with that down the line. But once the thought occurred to me, I really couldn’t imagine anything else. It’s a talent that could be suited to Nagito, also, in his own way; but for Nao especially, it just feels apt. Junko Enoshima took the hope around her and morphed it into despair; but Nao, a character inspired by a design that thrived on subversion and inversion, took despair and made something hopeful for his family. It’s probably worth mentioning that he is his little brother’s hero, and in this verse, while Nagito is a much calmer and happier person, his admiration for those who can create hope during trying times is stronger than ever.

#( this got long as hell my bad )#kat-therines-blog #answered #meta;#「 i was just in the middle of an inner monologue 」 mun

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lunaschild2016 · 6 years

Text

Close To You - Part 1[Eric/Devi]

Rated: M

Title and inspiration from Close To You by Maxi Priest

Summary: Devi and Eric’s story continues, but this time we see things from Eric’s eyes. It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn’t need to be wondering how to get close to the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He didn’t need to worry and wonder about how he could find a way to just be close to her.

@kenzieam @pathybo @jaihardy @every-jai @ericdauntless @beautifulramblingbrains @bookgirlthings @jojuarez26 @oddsnendsfanfics @offroadinjandals @singingpeople @iammarylastar @irasancti @captstefanbrandt @clublulu333 @fuckthatfeeling @tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky @jughead-wuz-here wuz-here @badassbaker @beanzjellly @beltz2016 @meganbee15 @affabletimelady @scorpio2009 @gylisaa @geekybeyondallreason @violetsonthelam @kyloswarstars @emmysrandomthoughts @kgurew @beltzboys2015-blog @slytherin-princess-25273 @whatwouldbuffydo666 @jaiboomer11 @holamor @wealwayskeepfighting @original46 @blakefc @xtheserpentx @artisthedgehog

She had an attitude I can't explain

You never know if you’re in flame

Tying me up with elastic words

I'm on a countdown till I get hurt

Her blood was hot she burned so bright

A neon sign there in the night

It's hard to say if I went too far

My heart still bares the scar

I just want to be close to you

And do all the things you want me to

I just want to be close to you (I just want to be close to you, baby)

And show you the way I feel

[Close To You; Maxi Priest]

Part 1

“What’s wrong with her?” I ask for what feels like the hundredth time since I stepped foot into the shit hole that Dauntless calls a clinic.

Once again I watch the nurses flutter around the girl on the bed, clucking like hens and completely ignoring me.

I run a hand through my hair and restrain myself from punching something or someone in frustration but I can’t completely restrain my impatience at being ignored.

That’s not something I’m willing to stand for, initiate status or not.

“Will someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with her!” I move up to stand right in front of one of the nurses that have stepped away from the bed and loom over her.

She’s wearing blue scrubs, meaning she’s from Erudite and most likely the one person in this place that’s actually fully qualified to have the title I see on her little badge clipped to her uniform.

“Eric Coulter, right?” She eyes me like a hawk and I feel irritation coursing through me. For a second, I also wonder if she’s one of Jeanine’s plants in Dauntless. That’s dismissed when she gives a strained smile. “You look a bit like your brother. I work with him from time to time. He mentioned your coming here.”

I narrow my eyes, not returning her smile and look past her to the girl still laying on the bed, motioning with my hand in her direction. “What’s her status?”

Candice, the name indicated on her badge, bristles at being ignored but answers me through thinned lips. “I have to call someone in to evaluate her, but we are drawing blood for tests and monitoring her until then.”

I look back at her and hesitate, wondering why the hell I’m getting involved and why I didn’t just leave the Amity girl in her dorm bed for someone else to deal with.

“You said you work with, Dr. Coulter?” I asked with appraising eyes, watching her closely.

“I do.”

“Then you won’t mind working with him again now, will you?”

I have no real power here in Dauntless. Not yet anyway. If I was making this same order to someone wearing black, I’m sure I would be sent away with a sharp reprimand no matter how intimidating I know I can be.

But Candice is Erudite and I have power there. My name is known. If Candice is a plant of Jeanine’s she’ll do as I say but report it back to her. If she isn’t, she’ll still do as I say.

Because, as much as I might despise it and have wanted to leave all that shit behind, I rank higher than her in their hierarchy. No matter if I wear black now, to them, I will always have true ‘blue blood’ running through my veins.

As expected she gives me a curt nod before moving off hurriedly. The other nurse wearing black gives me a look before following, and then it’s just me and the girl on the bed.

My fists clench to the sides of my body as I scowl down at her.

I hate that she’s made me care enough to step in and use my name for something when I promised I would get leadership on my own, no matter how much Jeanine tried to throw her weight around.

I hate that I’m thinking about anything or anyone else besides what I came here to do and who I’m doing it for.

Jules.

The thought of her has tightness in my chest that’s growing tighter the longer I look at this stupid tiny girl laying in the bed.

She’s not Jules. There’s no doubt about that.

Jules is tall and graceful with a smile that can infect even the snootiest of Erudite.

Jules who prefers dresses and ridiculous hats. I never have been able to figure out how she gets them all, and most of them are so ridiculous in order to get a rise out of me.

Jules who has always been able to make me laugh even when I’m in the worst fucking mood and even my brother can’t stand to be around me.

Jules who can sweetly cut a person to pieces and still leave them wondering if she was complimenting them or telling them to fuck off.

Jules, the best person I have ever known and the one I really want to save.

When I look at the amity girl, that’s who I see.

Jules is who I should be with. I should be there helping her and holding her hand or trying to make her laugh, but I’m not and it pisses me off.

Because coming to Dauntless was more important than the girl I love.

“You better not die,” I mutter angrily while glaring at the girl on the bed.

The whispered angry words won’t reach the real target, who I’m really saying them to. But I realize with some surprise that I also do mean them for the girl laying on the bed in front of me.

I turn on my heel and rush out of the clinic as fast as I will allow myself to be seen rushing anywhere. I make it to the training room corridor where control bursts away from me and I sprint into the room looking for something, anything, to make the tightness in my chest go away.

*****************************************************************************************

My brother is not who I expected to see standing behind the door of the office I was summoned to just before dinner but I can’t say the dread I had been feeling gets any better when I do see him.

If anything, it actually gets worse.

He’s standing at the end of a long conference table, hunched over papers and a tablet as I close the door quietly behind me. His presence makes me nervous as hell and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All I can think is something’s happened with Jules.

Elijah looks up at the sound of the door clicking shut and his eyes narrow as they take me in. I know he’s doing a snap evaluation, trying to determine a million things in the space of seconds so I won’t get upset about him fussing over me.

Even with all the recent strain on our relationship, Elijah remains the person I know I can count on most to truly care about me and how I’m doing. Even when I do my damndest to drive him and his affection away.

“Jules?” I ask, stepping forward and forgoing all greetings.

Elijah straightens and comes forward as well. I watch him carefully.

I never fuss over him the way he always did over me, like a parent rather than a brother, but I have always tried to watch out for him too. I see the tiredness etched into the way he holds himself and his face. Eyes so similar to mine that have never been able to mask his emotions from showing the way I do.

He smiles tiredly at me and motions with his hands as he speaks. “Jules is doing fine. She told me to tell you that you better be ‘kicking ass and taking names’.” He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “She also says hello and that we miss you.”

I sag a little in relief and nod while clearing my throat that has become thick with emotion. “Tell her I say, same and you bet your ass I am.” He gives me a smile and nod at my response and motions to a chair to sit. I do while throwing out my next question. “So, why am I here?”

“Well, given that you broke protocol and summoned me here, I thought you might want to know what’s going on with the girl, Devanna, I believe is her name,”

“Devi,” I correct him gruffly then frown at myself for caring enough to make the correction. Eli doesn’t say anything, just lifts an eyebrow and looks at his paper before correcting his notes.

“Devi.” He says with a nod.

“So what’s wrong with her? It’s been a day since I took her to the clinic, so it isn’t her just having a cold or something simple like that.”

The first day she had been smiling with enerving energy that just seemed to radiate from her. I almost thought she was going to explode from it there on the train. Even when she was panting and huffing from the climb and run to get on.

As the day wore on the smile faded and she withdrew. Some of the other initiates seemed to thrive on putting her down for anything and everything. Her old faction, her height, her accent...anything really.

Mostly this was other girls. The guys just dismissed or ignored her. Like I have been trying to do.

It was clear after the first night that something was going on with her but no one knew what. I wrote her off by the time we were going to sleep that first night. I just didn’t see her making it. Here we are at the end of the week and I don’t see that changing. I’m pretty sure that’s what my brother is going to tell me, that she’s done.

Once again, I’m cursing myself for not just letting it go and risking myself as I did. Especially now that I know it had been for nothing, because she’s gone anyways.

Then I remember why I ignored all logic and reason. I remember how I felt that night and what prompted me to take her. How small she was in my arms as I carried her through halls, trying not to race along them but feeling a sense of urgency I didn’t really understand.

She was moaning, almost deliriously, but not responding to anyone that was yelling at her to shut up in the dorm that night.

I laid there not saying anything to the others. though I wanted to so badly. To tell them all to leave her the hell alone. Then she went silent and I waited for something, some other sign from her that she was going to be okay.

The others around us were going to sleep, no problem, but I couldn’t. Her silence was deafening to me. I could have left her there and had tried to talk myself into doing just that. Until something made me go check on her and before I even got close I could feel the heat coming off her.

She was whispering something, so faint I could barely hear her until I crouched down beside her. Her eyes opened and they were glazed, she winced away from me and whimpered pitifully but she kept muttering. I leaned in even further and she reached out to grip my arm, and I could finally hear the broken pleading in Spanish.

“Por favor, no ... por favor ... Tuve que irme, abuela. Tuve que ... por favor no me odies.”

I don’t know what it was about her words. Her pleading for her grandmother to not hate her. To understand she had to leave. They weren’t some big revelation, I’m sure all of us felt that to some degree. Worried we are leaving someone behind that will be hurt or hate us for the choice.

It wasn’t so much the words themselves but the way she said them. How strong two of them were, how firm and how much fire was in them as she whispered them out over and over again.

Had to.

As if her life was in jeopardy if she didn’t go. If she didn’t follow her heart.

That was something Jules would do. She followed her heart and come hell or high water she would see it through. No matter the risk.

Did Devi know how much she was putting her life at risk just by choosing Dauntless? Did she even think about how she was nothing like a Dauntless should be in all the physical ways that matter?

But I was thinking like an Erudite with those questions. A Dauntless, a true Dauntless, wouldn’t care about any of that. They would just know there was no other choice. Just like Devi did.

Something inside me broke open for her right then and she wedged herself into a spot that I have hardened to all but two people in my life. Now I don’t know how to make that go away. Tightness starts to creep up on me again, my chest itches and I reach up to rub the spot but jerk my hand back down and look at Eli.

“Some of the others are saying she has the plague or something.”

Asinine.

I know better, and from his look at me, he knows I know better. His lips quirk in amusement and he shakes his head.

“We both know better than that. She is sick but it isn’t terminal…” He pauses and winces before his eyes filled with pain and he lets out a shaky breath then continues while I eye him and carefully mask my own pain “...but it won’t be pleasant for her in the least.”

I nod slowly. “So what is it?”

“Her body is expelling poison and it’s anything but painless.”

“Poison?” I almost shout the question and interrupt him.

Eli holds a hand up to me, a calming motion. “Peace Serum, Eric. You’re aware that Amity regularly imbibes in it, but it seems that her case is extreme. We are talking about a lifetime of daily exposure at high levels. Her body doesn’t know how to function without it anymore.”

I scowl in disbelief wondering how that’s possible and who in their right minds would purposely do this to themselves. But he said a lifetime, so does that mean even when she was really young?

I wave that away mentally and with my hand as well. “So what does that mean? She can’t continue can she?”

Eli shrugs and sighs before dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair casually.

“That will be up to her ultimately, but she’s already waved away the normal method of treatment. I can’t say I blame her. That would have meant removal from training for at least a week if not more depending on how extreme the treatment needed to be. Leadership has already said if that was the case then she was out with no other options available. I was near when the nurse gave her the options and she automatically turned the treatment down, already guessing that it meant she wouldn’t be continuing treatment. She’s staying and will let it purge from her system as naturally as possible.”

“So she’s going to go through initiation while going in withdrawal?” I mutter and look at the table while trying to deny how much that disturbs me especially knowing what I do about how withdrawal patients are treated.

There aren’t many cases where someone gets addicted to substances like I know there was pre-war and the drugs that were common are all but nonexistent for us now. But there are cases where someone gets addicted on the ones we do have and there are even cases where someone synthesizes a substance and then gets hooked on it themselves.

When this happens, the person is isolated and then their system is purged with a cleansing drug. Tests are run to determine how their body is handling the purge and if anything is still off then they are treated appropriately. It can take weeks if not months to treat some of the severe cases my brother has told me about and that’s just from a biological standpoint. Even after he gets done with them they still have much more to look forward to psychologically.

I don’t know if I can spend another night watching her suffer like she has been the last few nights. Now knowing what I do, it’s just bound to get worse and I can’t fucking handle that. “Why give her the choice at all? Why not just send her back to Amity!”

I look up at him when he makes a grunt and I realize that I spoke that out loud. My frustration is coming through loud and clear.

He leans forward with a frown of disapproval on his face. “You know very well they’re going to send her straight to the factionless, not back to Amity. I know you might not care for…”

“I don’t!” I’m breathing hard and rubbing my chest while looking around wildly. “I can’t!”

Elijah’s beside me suddenly and I didn’t even realize he moved until I feel his hands guiding me until my head is between my legs and he is coaching me through my breathing.

When I feel like I’ve gotten ahold of myself, I take the glass of water he hands me and avoid looking at him as I drink it.

I feel like a fucking kid again. Like when I used to have these same kinds of episodes after repressing feelings for so long until they boiled out and over. Elijah always tells me that trying to go through life so emotionally cut off isn’t healthy and I know he’s headed towards another lecture of that kind.

“Are you going to gloat now and say I told you so?” I ask him sourly when I look at him again.

“Have I ever done that?” I can hear the hurt in his tone but don’t respond. If I do I’m just going to end up saying something else hurtful.

I always do.

For being a so-called fucking genius, according to my old faction, I’m useless when it comes to anything resembling social graces. I learned early on that honesty is not the best policy for me. Silence is.

“Eric,” He says softly and leans forward, his arms on his knees and head bowed, “It’s okay to care about people. To open yourself to caring for someone.”

I sneer at him as I scoff, unable to remain silent, hard as I might have tried. “Sure it is. ‘Cause that’s worked out so well for me in the past, hasn’t it, brother?”

He looks up and I see the pain radiating in his eyes. I know my anger and words are opening up a wound we’re still trying to heal between us. That’s kinda hard to do when I’ve refused to talk any more about it.

“I can’t apologize for the way we both feel, Eric and I won’t. You two love each deeply other and that’s never going to change. What you two have is still there and it will always be there. It’s also different then what she and I have, and that has always been the case too, but it doesn’t make what you two share any less powerful.”

I nod and look away, gripping the glass tightly between my hands as my jaw clenches together. “But that wasn’t enough for me to stay, was it? I love her so much I left her when she needed me most. It just proves what I’ve always thought.”

I shrug and look back at him, knowing his next question but also needing him to ask it. Needing to expel it from me just like the little amity is doing right now with her own poison. He’s right I need to talk about this shit. I haven’t been able to until now.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can go back to not feeling at all. Then maybe I can get rid of this new sensation for a girl that has no chance of sticking around.

“What’s that?” Eli prods me softly.

“That I’m not capable of loving anyone but myself. I don’t care who it hurts in the end, as long as I get what I want.”

Elijah rolls his chair closer to me, his blue eyes that are normally filled with warmth are burning with intensity.

“I want to listen to me and listen well. You are not our parents and you have never even come close to them. You could never allow yourself to be like them.”

I listen but I can’t believe the words. I’ve never been able to believe the words. No matter how many times my brother has tried to reassure me of this over the years since our parents all but abandoned us.

His features soften and he smiles at me. “Yeah, you have the habit of pushing all your feelings aside and acting like they don’t exist, but you can never get rid of them. Which is why things like earlier happen. Because, it’s never been that you don’t and can’t care or love, Eric. It’s that when you do, it’s all or nothing for you. Bone deep love is what Jules has always called it. You left, not because you don’t love Jules but because you know that nothing will ever take that love away from you. Not even being in another faction. You said those same words to me when you came to me that night and gave us your blessing. It was something I already knew, but it was also something you had to realize for yourself and one day you’re going to find someone that you love just as deeply but in the it’s meant to be.”

I jerk my head in a semblance of a nod, not bothering to reply how I’m feeling.

I’ve forgiven Eli for taking Jules from me, well, mostly forgiven him anyway. What he says is true, I did come to see that how I love her and how Eli does, they aren’t the same. It’s just that in my mind that doesn’t really matter.

It still hurt and that wasn’t something I cared to open myself to again. I loved her but it hadn’t been enough. End of story.

He pulls back and I breathe a little easier when I realize he’s dropping the subject. Eli leans back in his chair and clears his throat.

“How’s training going?”

“Fairly good, although there was a surprise when it came to finding out how many fears we all have.”

Eli frowns at me. “Did your amount change?”

I shake my head with a scowl and look off. “No, it’s still nine. Which should have been the lowest fucking number among the group.”

“I take it someone is lower?.”

“Yeah. Four of them. The asshole even changed his name to the number of his fears.” My scowl gets deeper when I think of the scrawny Abnegation that’s causing me more uncertainty than he should be. “He’s a concern. I’ve heard some leaders and trainers saying they’re impressed by him. Rankings haven’t been posted since training just got in full swing, but I think we’re neck and neck for first. I’m pretty sure I got him beat in physical, and I don’t foresee fights being a problem, but the scoring percentage for the other stages is a serious concern with his number of fears.”

Eli taps his chin thoughtfully. “That’s an extremely low number. What faction is he from?”

I know where my brother’s train of thought has gone and I can’t say I didn’t immediately think the same when I found out Tobias Eaton’s number of fears. In fact, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to it and what I can do to remove the threat it poses to me.

“Abnegation,” I remark dryly and see him wince.

“It’s the Eaton kid?”

“Yes.”

“Shit.” Eli curses with a grimace then looks at me worriedly. “I know what you’re thinking, Eric, but don’t do anything you’re going to have to live with the rest of your life. You know what they will do to him.”

I shoot up out of my chair and pace around the room. “It’s not like I have a choice here, Elijah. You know what’s expected of me. At some point, I’m going to be expected to have results for them.”

“That’s what they expect. But when have you ever done what those pricks in our faction expect of you?” Eli demands from me fiercely.

“You know why I even bothered to give their offer a second chance. Jules needs this, Elijah. This is how I save her. What does it matter if I turn over some fucking stiff that means nothing to me? Especially if it gets them off my back and me first?”

“Is that really how you want to get your position here? By taking out someone that might be stronger than you?”

I grit my teeth as out the cursed denial, and glare icily at him, giving him exactly the reaction he wants even though I know exactly what the hell he’s doing by throwing that out there.

I call it manipulation and he would say he’s being my own Jiminy fucking Cricket

“How do you think this is making Jules feel, knowing what they want in exchange for her life? Jules knows you as well as I do and I know in your mind you’re already justifying it, telling yourself that any exchange for her would be worth it but how far do you go down that road, Eric?”

The tightness starts again and I let out a growl, spinning away from him and towards a wall. I feel like punching someone and Eli is the only one in sight. “Don’t bring her name into this like some kind of weapon against me.”

I want to punch walls but know we’re already shouting and that will draw attention we can’t afford. We are risking so much already. I stop in the middle of carrying out my need to hit something in anger and just lean my hands against the wall and hang my head.

“I don’t have a lot of options here,” I whisper tiredly.

“No, not a lot, but you do have a few. Eric, we know they’re afraid of you taking the power they covet so much. There was a reason for this and maybe what we need to do is to show them why they were right in fearing you.”

I slowly turn towards him, my mind working double time as my eyes narrow. He waits patiently as I process this, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’ll need help. Contacts that I know we can trust or that we can get leverage on to make sure they stay in line.”

“I’ve already started working on that. Jules too.”

I want to protest that, not wanting her involved but I know it would be pointless. They made me promise there would be no secrets and that I had to let them help in any way they could if I made this deal.

I gave a stiff nod and then looked at my watch. “I need to get going if I am going to get some dinner before lights out.”

He gives me a strained smile and nods but I see the hesitation. His internal debate and wondering if I will reject his show of affection or not. I step forward and put out a hand which he takes and grips tightly, his hand around my forearm while mine is around his. This is the form of a hug he came up with when I stopped wanting them years ago.

He smiles at me while we still hold firmly. Eli promises to make it for visiting day and that he should have contacts for me soon. We also share words of parting, mostly jokes that have been thrown around between the three of us of what I planned to do once I finally made it to Dauntless. They aren’t as carefree as they once were before our recent falling out, but it does hint that we can get there again given time.

When I go to leave he calls my name one last time and stands there looking serious and worried. “About the girl,”

“What about her?” I ask with a frown.

“I know it goes against what I was saying earlier about opening up and all,” He runs a hand through his hair with one hand and shoves the other in his pocket with the other. “But you need to stay away from her, for now.”

I let all expression fall away from my face and tilt my head. “Not that I see it being a problem for me at all, especially considering she isn’t going to last the week, but why? Does Jeanine know I called you in?”

He shakes his head while I can tell he is warring with wanting to admonish me about my callousness and wanting me to heed his warning for whatever reason. “No. Candice isn’t in Jeanine’s circle and wouldn’t want to be anyways. Something about a friend of hers that went missing or something. So Jeanine doesn’t know I was called in from her, but that doesn’t mean she might not find out from some other source. This girl, she might not actually mean anything to you, but Jeanine is crazy enough to grasp for anything that she can use to sink her claws in you even deeper.”

I feel bile rising up my throat at that but maintain my dead tone and a blank expression. “Like I said, it won’t be an issue.”

He responds with a resigned nod and I’m out of the door quickly after that making for the mess hall. Most of the other initiates had already grabbed food and headed for the dorm which was a relief since I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I ate quickly even though I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the dorm myself. Something about the activity around me and watching everyone go about their lives helped calm me.

Gave me the headspace to think and plan.

Elijah was right about handing the stiff over, it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to win my place here that way just like I didn’t want to have a bit of influence from Jeanine on the leaders to sway them either. In fact, I bluntly told her that was one of the conditions of my acceptance to work with her.

I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if turning number boy over saved Jules, even by way of securing my position, then I would do it and not even blink. If I had to carry that stain on me for the rest of my life I would for her.

The decisions, resolutions really, make me feel lighter. It eases some of the anxiousness I was feeling that I have a solid plan and course of action.

I even find myself talking to a few of the members at the table of the mess hall. I pick at the slice of cake one of the guys shoved at me and listen to them all bullshit with each other, but mostly I just observe things.

I see the stiff slipping from the mess hall, pulling in on himself to try and go unseen like he’s done from the first.

I watch the leaders as they look down at their noses from up on the balcony. Talking among themselves and hardly ever interacting with anyone else. But they’re watching, always watching, to make sure their bidding is being done even if it will lead the faction straight into war.

Max seems to be the one that I’ll have to be the most careful about. I can feel his eyes on zeroed in on me, watching and judging me. Even here when I’m eating dinner like everyone else.

I shift my focus and try to casually look to see if my suspicions are right when I see something out of the corner of my eye.

A small figure hunched over her plate at an empty table far in the back and cast in shadows it’s so out of the way. The tightness in my chest starts to creep back in and I jerk my eyes away, remembering my conversation with my brother.

I know I shouldn’t feel anything but seeing her is a relief. ‘Cause at least I know she’s alright.

So I’ll keep away, but I already know I won’t be able to stop myself from watching.

#fanfiction #divergent fanfiction #divergent au #eric coulter fanfiction #romance #smut #fluff #eric coulter #eric x oc #oc #jai courtney #diane guerrero #eric and devi are back #let's see how crazy eric is

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