#im so tired of being anxious around you because i keep doing things wrong. but youre so kind that i cant imagine you holding it against me

[nimomo-mo]

Vent

[fadedmunson]

family man | joel m.

pairings ; joel miller x fem!reader

word count ;

warnings ; ohhhh this left me in guttural pain. angst then comfort because i've had a long week

this could've been avoided if you never met the old grumpy fucking man

why were you always given the shit-end if the stick??

i mean, how were you supposed to know raiders would be in the middle of butt-fuck wyoming?

well, here you were, running back to ellie and joel after hearing gunshots and raiders shout

you were going to make a quick run to find some more bullets, but accidentally left your gun, and just as you realized, raiders got the idea to follow you

"has she lost her mind?" joel hissed, "leaving all her shit behind too, god this is laughable." joel scoffs under his breath

"joel" ellie whispers, "i know she's not here, but we need to do something." joel can feel her getting more anxious by the second

"i know, i know." joel isn't the best at comforting but he's good at violence, so there's that.

one thing he just never understood was how dumb and vulnerable you could be at times. you made stupid mistakes, stupid mistakes that could lead to your stupid death.

god, that word. death. it haunted him, it'll haunt him till his last breath. he'll meet it eventually, but only with you and ellie at his side. he can't loose anyone else

"joel!" ellie eyes shook from fear and so did her voice. joel left his momentary trance and quickly built a plan for her to get out safely

just as he was about to grab her, he hears the stuggle of the raiders, almost like choking.

he stands up to see that the threat was taken out by you and a switchblade

ellie was quick to react by running and grabbing your arms while trying to regain her composure

she looked death in the eyes multiple times, but this one was different.

"that was so badass! you swung in and- hey is that my knife?" she pointed out

"sorry, forgot. i was just keeping it safe." you flip the switchblade and hand it to her.

just as you hand it to her your sweater collar was gripped by joel

"now you've just about done it," he began

"let go of me joel, im grown. i handled the problem, i don't get the issue." you pry his hand off of you and get in his face

you were never afraid of joel, just curious. curious about how he kept everything so close to his chest. it probably got tiring

"do you have any idea how scared i was? you have any fucking idea?" joel eyes narrowed as he stabbed his finger into your chest while his teeth clenched

this doesn't scare you no, it's something much worse

this pains you, it pains you to see how distraught joel is feeling and the fact that you were the reason for it

"you make my life so much harder," he scoffs at you "you frustrate people, it's all your good at." he begins to raise his voice

your eyes are becoming glassy and you can feel it hitting you like a train

"stop it." you warn

"i didn't know this would happen and i'm sorry but this situation never came to my mind." your body language is frantic and so is your voice

at this point, tears are freely streaming down your eyes while ellie just stares, unable to do or say anything to set either of you off

joels face softens the littlest bit from your tears. he's not great at navigating feelings and people crying

"the last thing i need is to loose you," he looks at ellie "either of you."

you just crash into his body and he immediately responds by wrapping his arms around you and digging his face into your neck

"oh, sweet girl" he gently reassures you that you did nothing wrong and he "was worked up."

at some point ellie sat next to the both of you and just stayed in comfortable silence

joel kissed your neck, then your cheek, and then your forehead

you stumbled off of him and sat next to ellie, resting her head on your shoulders while you held joels hand

"i like being with you joel," you turn to him "i'm sure sleepyhead over here enjoys it too." you chuckle at ellie already asleep in your embrace

you can see the briefest smile on his face as he lays his head on yours

you've got joel miller absolutely smitten

[fanbynature]

A post from Dani Howe, who recently left smosh after working in the marketing team

"From Pet to Threat" - This just happened to me AGAIN and after 10+ years in this biz, I’m sick of having to get over it in silence for fear of being blacklisted, or labeled as “difficult to work with” because I chose to be open about my working experience. I won’t go into details, as this isn’t meant to be that kind of post, but I want to share this research because the “Pet to Threat" phenomena keeps happening to me and so many of my peers, particularly over the last few years here in LA. It’s truly an abusive cycle that repeats for far too many people in the workplace, but especially and aggressively for Black women in the entertainment/media industry. So many of us work extremely hard from a place of love, peace and genuine passion for our crafts. We choose to put our prowess out there, hoping that it’ll be reciprocated with that same authenticity by our leadership/mentors/peers, only to be undermined and vehemently devalued in favor of this insistence for power and control at every turn. I’ll never understand the need to prioritize pettiness & ego over doing the right thing for another team member or putting the best, most collaborative work out there for your company. What’s the point of hiring an expert or someone with big potential, just to diminish them? I'm tired of entering spaces I was promised were full of golden potential and stability, only to have to abruptly leave that space a short while later, lest endure unsafe + toxic working dynamics if I choose to brave it. The feelings of shame, guilt and confusion that come after are all too familiar, and yet they never get any easier to deal with. Constantly being in an anxious place of trying to figure out what went wrong and changing my approach, while the world you left couldn’t even be bothered to think twice about you, feels like a losing game. Why even play anymore? I'm only left jobless with no prospects, broke, and burdened with heavy feelings of sadness that I feel really dumb for having. Because it’s just a job, right? And the house always wins.

Some of you might question why even share all of this. Well, I fully believe transparency is one of the best ways to educate and inspire those around you. By sharing this article and a bit about my experience, I hope others feel encouraged to choose themselves and stop letting lazy business practices suppress their potential. I have no idea what’s next for me - this post has probably tanked any chance of me continuing a career in entertainment marketing. But what I do know is that I’m not accepting being overlooked anymore. Not having my true potential nurtured or recognized because the mentors I believed in would rather act out of insecurity than help me thrive is total BS. I deserve better than that, and so do you. I hope today is the day you know your worth."

Im interested in who are they going to blame now. It was once Defy - but now that it's in the hands of the original creators and owners - the same mistakes seem to be popping up. Hmmm

Also if fans start villanizing her the way they did with Boze and Saige - 👊👊👊 i will find you and i will punch u in the fucking face

[sootzz96]

reader being anxious and dissociative a good bit and wilbur just watching them trying to figure out what to do and noticing how they tap their fingers and count or keep the volume of the TV or any electronic at the same level- or noticing how they don't sleep much or well or maybe too much-

and then maybe wil having to go on tour in a week and not wanting to leave them like this but not knowing what to do

(despite what I say, wil isn't perfect-- sadly he cannot read your mind (I want him to))

"then all of a sudden, you're sick to your stomach."

Hiii! Sorry your ask took a little longer than I wanted it to be. I got busy the past couple of days, but now it's here. I hope you enjoy it.

title from i miss you, im sorry by gracie abrams

warnings: mentions of anxiety, mentions of dissociation, wilbur doesn't know what he doing but he trys to help, mentions of fidgeting, mentions lack of sleep and sleeping too much (me too)

wc: 630

(didn't proofread btw)

 “Hey love, you alright?” He said, looking at his lover who was methodically fidgeting with the remote. Seeing the person he loved often having these little quirks to calm their nerves wasn't bizarre. You do most things like twiddle your thumbs, turn up the TV to a specific volume, and the way you would count when it is just too much for you to handle. Although he picked up on these things, he never realized how to fix it. 

  You finally perk your head up, getting out of this trance, the word you would use to explain such dissociation. “Yes Wil, I’m alright.” You said to the man looking over at you with such worry. You knew he was worried, and you were sure he knew what was wrong. 

  “Okay, just making sure.” He said before turning to the TV, seeing the volume rise to the number you always chose when you were anxious. It was your favourite number, there wasn’t any way he could’ve missed it. “How about we head to bed, darling? Would that be alright with you?” He asked you so sweetly. He knew that if it was too late you’d start dissociating due to the tiredness slowly taking over your body. 

  “Sure.” Tiredness slightly showed in your voice when you spoke to him. No seconds were wasted before Wilbur wrapped his arms around you, carefully picking you up. Soon he made it to your shared bedroom and laid you down, not long after he joined you in bed. Each of you said your goodnights and I love yous before slowly drifting off to sleep. 

   Wilbur got up fairly early, he knew he needed to be at the studio. He kissed you on your forehead before leaving. He hoped you would text him when you woke up. He spent almost all day at the studio, not once receiving a text from you. This worried him a bit, so he decided to go home as soon as he finished. He walked into your shared flat and made his way to your bedroom. He saw you there on the bed, still sleeping so peacefully. He didn’t want to disrupt, but he knew he had to.

   “Hey honey, you need to get up. It’s almost 2 pm.” He said, lightly shaking your sleeping figure. You hummed slightly, still quite tired. He never realized why you slept so late until he realized why you didn’t sleep at all.

  It was a week before he had to go on tour. You dreaded this time because you knew he would be gone for at least a month, sometimes even more. This time made your anxiety worse, you would dissociate even more than before. This meant sleeping less than usual. Wilbur soon noticed how little you were sleeping and how all the fidgeting got a bit worse. He didn’t wanna leave anymore. He knew if he told you, you would think it was about you and it was your fault. 

  Even though he wanted to cancel the tour, he knew he couldn’t. His fans would be upset, and you would’ve been upset. He knew you saw how excited he was for this tour. He tried the whole week to try and break you of these “habits.” He failed to realize it would take more than just a few days. 

  He insisted you went with him to the airport to see him before he left. He would hope that it would just calm your nerves for a bit. After lots of goodbyes and I love yous, he boarded his plane. He was terrified for how you would be. He made sure to check on you every chance he got, even if that meant staying up at ungodly times of the night to talk to you.

taglist: @luvlyella @biggestevermorestan

[hhighkey]

Headcannons for Toge who upset his SO with a prank gone wrong/too far? Like what would he do to apologize? Thanks for taking the time to write your headcannons/one shots!

AN// ahhh so excited for this toge is my fave <3 always love a little angst with happy ending

Inumaki Toge Headcanons

PRANK GONE TOO FAR

inumaki is known for his fun little pranks but sometimes it’s just too much after a rough day

he’s your perfect boyfriend

the light of your life and your his

he’d sacrifice himself for you if it came down to it

your needs go above his own

but the one thing you can’t escape is - his pranks

he’s known for them you learned when you joined jujutsu high

and you loved taking part

the two of you together the dream team

i mean it’s what initially brought you two together!

you just got back from your second solo job since getting promoted to grade 2

after your first solo, toge had been waiting by the entrance with flowers and your favorite foods. he wanted to celebrate after seeing you were unscathed proud baby

so you expected something similar as in he’d be waiting patiently for your return

but things were quiet around the school, maki’s on the track, and dorms empty

did something happen while you were gone?

you’re instantly anxious

you open the door to your room and

bang

a loud popping noise pierced your ear and when you look down, there’s paint splattered all over your uniform

panda and inumkai’s laughter comes not long after

you feel ridiculous

you feel stupid

you just take a deep breath, say nothing and march straight out your room

tears were beginning but by the time you’re in the women’s bathroom your sobbing

today was terrible

the curse was harder to defeat than was thought, you’d twisted your ankle, got thrown around a bit with bruises and cuts to show it

and inumaki didn’t even bother to check in with you first. just assumed you’re fine

normally you would have laughed and then made him do the dry cleaning

but you’re crying into your hands as all you wanted was the comfort of your boyfriend

uh oh inumaki is dumbfounded and feeling terrible

panda excused himself immediately for y’all to deal with this

he sits his ass down outside the bathroom and waits

he’s internally combusting and wants you to come out. he wants to apologize. wants to hold you

he thought the prank would go over differently in his head and now he just knows he’s an idiot

when you finally come out he’s on his feet in and instant trailing after you as you ignore him

the tears stained on your face with your puffy eyes destroy him

“go away toge,” you say with a broken voice as you slam your door so he can’t come in

the next few days is a cycle of this happening again and again

you won’t talk to him

you won’t be bud usual training partner

and he just sits outside your room so he can keep following you around when you go somewhere

because inumaki is clingy

he can’t handle you being mad at his stupidity he just wants to apologize

he always leaves you little love notes so he realizes he can do that with apologies

so he starts leaving them under your door

on your water bottles

little things telling you he loves you and is sorry and what’s to prove it

so you realize you’d been stubborn as hell

you feel bad now for taking it this far

when you two sit down to finally talk, he pounces on you as it’s the first chance he’s gotten to hold you

he shows you a message on his phone

it’s a long paragraph ending with im sorry i just assumed it would be okay when i shouldn’t have. i hope you can forgive me

“i’m sorry too toge. that job was so tough, i was tired and hurting. it was making me re-think being a sorcerer. i just wanted to come back to you and relax. so it just set me off,”

don’t apologize you did nothing wrong. i should have been there to support you

“i love you toge. i have missed our cuddles,”

be prepared for him to not let you out of his bed for the rest of the day (or week lol)

inumaki will definitely do everything you could possibly want for awhile too. get you any food you want, tie your shoes, carry you around - you name it he’ll do it

he wants to hear everything you’re feeling or what happened on the job. all your insecurities and doubts about yourself and life

he’s so attentive to you and wants your happiness

the cutest boy who’s so thankful you’re not mad at him anymore

i’m jealous

[wellthebardsdead]

The loved & the forgotten pt20

Part 19 here

———

Vivienne: *seated in his room in the wretching netch, bored out of his mind after several days of being made to rest, and feeling guilty over his friends wearing themselves out trying to get him to tell them what he wants, what he wants for himself, not for them, or for anyone else, just himself* … *rubs his eyes sniffling as he remembers trying to initiate love making with Kaidan & Taliesin only for both of them to decline him, both of them saying it’s what’s best for him right now* I don’t understand… they keep asking me what I want… and I want them… I want to love them but… they push me away… am I doing something wrong?… *looks to the spider sitting by his book, there seemed to be a lot more of them around since he strengthened his relationship with Mephala beyond mutual acceptance*

The spider: *just taps it’s two front legs in response*

Vivienne: *sighs and continues reading before looking up as he hears a knock at the door* huh? *gets up putting on his dragon mask and walking to it before peering out to see the second councillor there looking visibly anxious* Mr Arano??

Adril Arano: Ah- dragonborn I. I understand now is not the best of times and lord nerevar will be furious with me for asking this of you when you are meant to be recovering but… The councillor is in danger…

Vivienne: danger?… *opens the door further* come in…

*a few minutes later*

Vivienne: *exits his room a few minutes after the second councillor leaves, muatra on his back and quietly scanning the room to make sure none of team dragonborn can question where he’s going… only to turn his head to see miraak leaning against the wall by the door looking at him* EEEK- fuck! Miraak you scared me!

Miraak: where are you going dragonborn?

Vivienne: I’m not telling you you’ll tell Kaidan & Tali and then they’ll be even more upset with me.

Miraak: I’ve sworn my loyalty to you dragonborn. Whatever you tell me in secret is kept between us.

Vivienne: …I’m going to kill a bunch of assassins after the councillor.

Miraak: *summons his sword and staff* okay then. Let’s go.

Vivienne: I? You’re coming?

Miraak: I’m not about to let you face multiple enemies on your own… I fear being beaten to death by your lovers more than I do you complaining about ‘not needing help’…

Vivienne: *sighs* okay, let’s try to make this quick.

*That evening*

Vivienne: *dressed only in a nightshirt too big for him, seated on his new bed, in his new house (severin manor), after being gifted it by the second councillor for ‘solving their problem’. Now quietly bowing his head as Kaidan throws a fit at him and Taliesin calmly brushes his hair for him* I-I’m sorry…

Taliesin: shhh it’s alright, you had miraak with you-

Kaidan: ITS NOT ALRIGHT AND AFTER IM DONE TELLING YOU HOW ANGRY I AM IM FINDING HIM AND KILLING HIM FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!

Taliesin: Kaidan.

Kaidan: HES SUPPOSED TO BE RESTING TALIESIN! *rubs his face in exasperation* gods Vivi why do you keep doing what other people want you to do?

Vivienne: C-councillor morvayne was going to be assassinated I had to do something!

Kaidan: Why did you go behind our backs then?! Why did you only take miraak with you!?

Vivienne: *looks up at him with tears bubbling in his eyes, taking in how tired he looks* because… *looks at Taliesin to see he looks equally tired* all I’ve done is drain your energy… you’re both so tired and I didn’t want to bother you with another of my problems…

Kaidan: *walks to him and gently holds his face in his hands stroking his cheek* why is it, whenever you want something it’s always concerning somebody else?…

Vivienne: b-because I only ever want three things… I want everyone I care about to be happy… *gently slides his hand onto Kaidans, holding it to his cheek before reaching back and taking taliesins hand* and you two… *looks down sadly before letting them go placing his hands back in his lap* but each time I show you that I want you you push me away and tell me I can’t have you… I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong… *sniffles and dries his eyes*

Taliesin: *gears in his brain finally clicking, realising the times vivienne was trying to initiate intimacy wasn’t just him attempting to please them, he was trying to show them love in the only way he knew how* … *sets the brush down and gently pulls him back into his arms making the dunmer let out a startled gasp* can I kiss you?…

Kaidan: I- what? Taliesin what are you-

Taliesin: *looks at him, silencing him with his gaze before looking back to vivienne for an answer*

Vivienne: *heart fluttering and whole body welling up with emotions as he’s finally given what he’s been wanting* y-yes please…

Taliesin: *smiles and kisses him softly with a sweet, deep moan, one hand holding Vivi close, and the other grabbing Kaidan by his trousers pulling him onto the bed to join them*

Kaidan: I- wait hold on a minute we-

Taliesin: *pulls away from the kiss briefly making his sun and night skinned lover whine sweetly* shhh *gives him another small kiss before looking back at Kaidan* we keep asking what he wants and he wants us. Now stop being mean to him and drop your pants.

Kaidan: I- *looks to see vivienne looking at him with such sad, needy eyes, just wanting to be held and loved by him without being pushed away again* …OH!

*the next morning*

Vivienne: *fast asleep in his bed, two pillows strategically placed either side of him by his lovers as they sneak out to the kitchen to make breakfast and chat*

Taliesin: *quietly preparing ingredients* …

Kaidan: *stoking the fire* …

Taliesin: …He put in more work to please us then we did him again didn’t he?

Kaidan: *sighs* Yep. No matter how many times I tried to gain control over the situation to make him relax and let me do the work, he managed to find some way of turning it around on us.

Taliesin: he looked like he was ready to pass out by the time he’d finally made you finish. I was ready to catch him in case he actually did…

Kaidan: *sighs rubbing his face* why’s it so hard for him to just be a pillow princess and let us make him feel good for a change? In stead of him working and making love to us like he’s afraid if he doesn’t well leave hi-

*Knock! Knock! Knock!*

Taliesin: *looks down at himself* Kaidan I’m not wearing any clothing can you-

Kaidan: Yep I’ll answer it-… maybe go get dressed though in case-

[mylandofdarkness]

The Antagonist of My Life. My Mother.

My mother.. played a HUGE role in my life....

Now don't get me wrong.. things are better between me and her now but with my first 22 years of my life. she's given me hell. I never understood it till later that it was simply because Girls get it more rough than boys. Growing up I NEVER saw my mom lay a finger on him for anything. Instead every single thing I did.. where I was simply just a child THAT DOESNT KNOW ANYTHING... gets a bunch of beatings that she's gonna remember for the rest of her life. I remember crying so much, I remember hiding under a table, hovering in a corner while STILL getting slapped and beaten by my mother.. as I have a meltdown, I even locked myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. My father had no role.. he wasn't able to do anything . So I'm just backed up in a corner getting hit as my father and brother sit on the side and watch. Like that's not traumatizing? for a Mother to stand there and beat and beat and beat her YOUNG child, daughter that is probably around 6-7 years old.. as she is screaming in pain from getting beaten. what kind of a mother does that. Does this child not have feelings?? Is this child suppose to not feel the pain? WHAT is this teaching the child? AS A CHILD... I was convinced she didn't want me to be happy, I was convinced she found pleasure in beating me every week, talking down on me, discouraging me, telling me all the things I liked was stupid.

So years go by.. all that abuse did something to me. it turned me into an easily agitated teenager, (Gee I wonder where I got that from). And I wasn't going to be those kids that commit suicide because of strict parents or being under pressure. So I got tired from my moms physical abuse one day when I was in mid-high school.

Her abusive hits didn't phase me anymore. Her 'discipline' wasn't going to do shit to me anymore. One Day when she raised her hand at me... I didn't cry, I looked at her dead in the eye... and just walked to my room so I didn't have to hear from her for the rest of the night. Another time where she wanted to give me a word (and a hand) I finally spoke up to her, she was hella surprised. My bro and Dad was surprised too . I said my piece, she told me I was making excuses. I told her it wasn't excuse. I wasn't going to easily back down. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction of ME keeping quiet and crying, and having it end up being a meltdown. I wasn't going to let her be the only crazy one now. She created one... That's on her... And I want her to remember what she started and what she created.

So you see... Because of her I somehow always see the negative in most friendships I make. because I was treated so poorly when I was little, everytime I meet somebody I want to befriend, I would have higher expectations and always oversee a small negative . My mother never taught me how to treat others.. she taught me nothing but pain.

So fast forward to college.. I LIVED AWAY for college.. and it was the greatest 3 years ever. why? cause I was actually away from that toxic household and I was actually able to do what I want on my own. Met lots of cool people, partied, went out, talked to some boys, Figured myself out lots. College was done, I move back.. and yes everything was tense again. Keep in mind I went towards the Media Arts career path.. My mother thought that was a joke. So when it came to finding jobs.... she pestered me LOTS about it and it stressed me out a lot. pressured me into applying for jobs that I didn't find suited for myself. Now yes this is a different stage of my life.. They made me anxious on even finding a job. My mother made me feel like shit. This is where emotional and mental abuse comes in more. and when I finally landed a job at a well known company..

Things switched. I was suddenly the daughter they were proud of o.0 I'm the daughter that works at 'This place' WoW Im the daughter that's going to make a lot of money from this place. ...... That gave my phony vibes. Now that I'm making decent money.. your nice to me?? Now that other companies see my potential, you suddenly see it too?? Nah, you shattered my spirit for 22 years. You've emotionally and mentally brought me down almost everyday for 23 years. I'm not getting my years back.

Because of all this... a part of me resents her for how I ended up as a person. Every moment of hell she gave me, I remember it vividly.

[kikyan]

Hiya, hope you're having a lovely day^^

Haven't done one of these before, so I hope I don't mess up (And that my request is still valid in-terms of the event end date).

I'd like to request a yan. mash up for TWST & ObeyMe!

I'm 18, my pronouns are they/them, I'm a Cancer and INTJ. I'm a pretty anxious person. Having social anxiety, agoraphobia, being a homebody and just being an overall introvert, I tend to keep to myself and avoid going outside much. Im an over-thinker and a night owl. When I'm around people that I don't feel comfortable with, I'm very much a quiet, shy, jumpy, awkward, paranoid, tired lookin' loner. But when I get comfortable and l'm with close friends or family, I'm quite the opposite. I'm bold, sarcastic, and have a witty sense of humor, I’m a cocky little shit that likes to tease the hell outta people (obv because that's how I show love ^ ^) | can also be reckless at times given the right environment. But aside from that I’m a pretty chill person. I love to learn and indulge in other people’s interests. At times I can be extremely overconfident and daring yet insecure and cautious^^ im also really loyal to everyone I care about, I value community and trust, caring and supportive, the list goes on. As for some of my (debatably) negative traits, I can be quite blunt and straight forward (I don’t like sugar coating ), defensive if I’m proven wrong, I can occasionally be indifferent, passive aggressive, reclusive and aloof if I get pissed/sad (even if it’s for something small). I’ve been told i have rbf •_•). I like cleanliness and neatness, but I can also be somewhat messy when I procrastinate cleaning. Hobbies: I love drawing, I have a crap ton of sketchbooks that are filled with drawings front to back, and some that have never seen a pencil before ^^; (I have my fair share of twst and obey me fan art =w=). Reading, reading, and ReaDing! I’m a book worm^^ i mostly read horror, thrillers, and mystery novels. Also, I’m incredibly obsessed with gothic literature and poetry (I’m a bit of a writer myself). I live for horror! Movies, books, shows, etc. I specifically like psychological, cosmic, and gothic horror. Music wise, I listen to rock, metal, alternative, indie rock, post-punk, and new wave. Though I’ve recently been more into 80’s post-punk (as of right now my fav band is Caifanes, definitely recommend them). Style: I don’t usually care much for the way that I look, i prefer comfort over style most of the time. I usually ware black, anime t-shirts, baggy jeans, leather jackets or oversized hoodies, and my go-to converse or docs. I dunno what else to include, so I guess I’ll talk about what kind of person I like. I like it when people can be honest and voice their feelings, concerns, wants and needs. I definitely appreciate a proper and mature way of communicating. My receiving and giving love language is quality time and physical affection, so having someone who loves to receive and give both is an immediate green flag in my book. I personally like clingier personalities to a healthy degree, I swear ^^; I definitely love people who are openly lovey and romantic, I find it adorable, especially cause I’d do the same right back. A person who loves to try new things, and who loves spicy food (cuz being a picky eater,,, that’s a deal breaker). I like someone who shares my same hobbies and is just as ambitious as me. And if not, that they at least support and encourage me to do what I like. Personality wise, I like a person who is soft and caring, romantic, honest, noble, creative, humble, cautious, a night owl (so that me can both stay up late into the night) someone more mentally stable then me (that or just as mentally unstable as me =^=) and lastly someone who would also indulge in my hobbies with me. I hope I added enough of the right things for this request and that it’s not confusing >x< it’s long I know. Anyways, thank you so much for your work, I love everything you write, hope to see more of it. Take care love ^,^)/♡

I have no words to explain why this took months. I don't know, but better late than never. . .right? You probably heard this before and it won't come as a surprise but I match you with Idia (TWST) and Levi (OM!)! 

When it comes to what I gathered from your personality, you probably relate to them more instead of simping but I see you with them! Side note, I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND OMG YOU SOUND SO COOL?? I ALSO WANT TO SEE THE ART PLS! PLS LET'S BE FRIENDS! 

Moving forward...I see how they would both love you. You love their hobbies but understand them like nobody else. With Idia, his love for you starts when you start to open up about your hobbies. He probably starts to think about you but not in the best way at first. When he notices you like the same things but he probably wouldn't see them as a reason to get closer. He may find it as an excuse to not approach you because he's not sure if you're a casual fan or a fan-fan. Would you be disgusted with him? Find him as one of those cringe fans who bring the fandom down. Are you a casual enjoyer who wouldn't understand his passion? Though he would love to share his passion, would you look down upon him like everyone else? I'm not quite sure if I included this in my headcanons, but Idia is an observer. Which I think makes him open up to you because he can see the real you. I want to say that if we follow the story of the game, you probably don't meet Idia until after you established some friends with Ace and Deuce. He probably has some image of you already established, no doubt you're very social. When you mentioned how you were someone very shy and quiet when first meeting someone, you probably do it to be nice or at the very least, respectful. He probably sees that side of you at first and doesn't think much of it. He probably thinks that his likes and dislikes would scare you away until he overhears maybe Deuce or Ace talk, "You like that? I never would have expected you to like that, [Reader]?" That's when he gains a little boost, you like the same thing he does. Not to mention you're a shy thing, so no harm in at least trying. I think once he finally does talk to you, he can see all the unique things about you as well as how similar you both are. Idia is the same, spoilers for the phantom bride card but he hated the whole ordeal. In his vignette, the rest of the students hyped him up so much that he kinda got overconfident making everyone regret saying anything. He didn't do it to be a bitch, but rather he said it because he was comfortable around the others. Who wouldn't? So he would return that sarcastic humor. He would probably love teasing the hell out of you. Stay up all night gaming with you, exchanging messages left and right, etc. I can already imagine the list of recommendations that both of you exchange. He would love seeing your art and hype you up, maybe even propose writing a story together. Of course, this is yandere so what is yandere without the horror aspect? Idia wouldn't exactly show you off but he would be so content with calling you, his. His friend, his S/O, his partner, his gaming buddy, etc. He's not like Leona who would strut into the room with his arm around your shoulder, but he would love it when you say, "Oh yeah, sorry I can't tonight. I'm hanging out with MY partner tonight." Of course, don't tell the others it's him because right now he can't handle that feeling! He would love spending quality time, he's not at all picky with what is being done as long as it's with you. Watching anime together? Done deal. He's gaming and you're working on something else across from him? God imagine he looking up to see you so focused, he just smiles lightly at the idea of you spending time with him and then you look up and see him. His face is BEAT RED, stuttering and looking back at his PC while his headphones have his online friends yelling at him to pay attention and to assist them. He's clingy to a not-so-healthy degree and will often set up scenarios to gain pity so you have to cancel and hang with him. I want to say that while his heart cannot handle the affection IRL he would love the idea of holding your hand and cuddling against you. Imagine he's pouting because he maybe received the worst news, but you're there to comfort him? His world is perfect if your attention and affection remain on just him and him only. 

Okiedoki, now Levi. They're the same but so different.  As I started to play Obey me again and literally from the beginning, I love their family dynamic. Though they all love each other, they're not afraid to tell each other their faults either. I think with Levi it's no surprise that he sees himself as inferior to his siblings. I mean Mammon is scummy but he's a model. Asmo has a vlog and is well-loved even if it gets to his head. Satan is hella studious and has a temper, Belphie is just there and Beel; he has a good heart but his stomach knows no bounds. No need to point out Lucifer, he's polished and pristine, with no flaws that he can vocalize without being strung upside down.

I mean why would you want to be with him? Like Idia, when he finds out you like the same content he does he's probably on the skeptical side as well. I mean, really? Do you like that? When he finally does talk to you about it, he wants to prioritize your time. "[Reader], did you want to-? Oh sorry, you probably already have plans huh?" It's no doubt he assumes you rather want to do anything else other than be with him. When you take him up on his offer, he's so overcome with joy. A blush on his face as he excitedly takes your hand rushing to his room to do the equivalent of setting up the table but rather dinner, setting up an anime marathon. He is smitten with you, another one with a not-so-healthy clingier personality. Another one who just wants to spend time with you, it doesn't have to be anything specific either. I think as time goes on he can become confident too, sometimes even challenging you, He becomes sarcastic, occasionally laughing at memes and sending them to you with a simple "reminded me of you". I think the biggest thing is that Levi could be 100% honest with you. At first, he may not want to voice his feelings, but when you reassure him, he just lets it all out. Though Levi may not love horror himself, he loves your style and appreciates your passion as well. He thinks you're so cool and to be able to stand next to you, gosh you have ways of getting to him. He would proudly march his ass to a movie theater to watch the scariest film as long as he can hold your hand during the entire movie. Let's talk about yanderes, he's the same with Idia where he would 100% say something that forces you to drop what you're doing to spend time with him. Another is, I like to think Levi has been on some sketchy websites, spreading rumors about people who approach you. When those rumors as well as "proof" start circling, you should stay away from them. I stand by the idea that the brother would help one another to keep their S/O trapped. Levi may ask of Asmo's services when digging up gossip and possibly Belphie's to stalk the victim in their sleep and torture them from the inside. While all this happens, Levi will continue to play the role of the perfect boyfriend. 

I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! Thank you for your continuous support, have a wonderful day!

[ashtraysystem]

um, just warning you the following post is kinda a lot emotionally and mentally so uh. yeah. 🤷🏻 skip it if you dont wanna read i wont be offended or anything obviously its just me rambling about fears and stuff ive had on my chest.

do you ever just sit there being afraid of what the future holds? right now im so uncertain about a lot of things and dont know how to get through it.

i dont know how to advocate for myself when it comes to my health. i dont know how to show my doctor how desperate i am for some form of relief from the hell i have to life through sometimes. the days when i have bad pain flare ups are /bad/. and i don't understand why they happen. i dont understand whats wrong with me to make me so tired and in pain. why is it that every rush of adrenaline through my body when im anxious /hurts/.

how will i go about the school year? i will have to do my thesis (that might be the wrong word i dont remember) project this year and that means planning, funding, and organizing a whole event to show the world what i'm capable of. how am i supposed to decide on something like that when i'm barely capable of deciding what to have for breakfast??

many of my friends will be away. and not just the ones im close with, many of the friends ive made throughout this past school year have moved on with their lives. graduated or dropped out. im. im afraid of being alone. of forgetting who i am. of losing myself in my attempts at success. i like spending time with people, even if its just "hey wanna work on projects adjacent to each other for a while?". but people dont exactly like me or seem to see me as a person they can just "hang" with. i always have to tune my personality to match theirs. match their energy, match their needs, but never my own.

i want to get a tattoo as a reminder. a reminder to be me. to "keep it real". That i'm not alone. that there are people in my corner. people who care. people who want to know /the real me/ and not the fake personality i put on to please everyone. even in a professional sense. i want to be me, forever and always. true to myself with everyone i meet. because if they cant take me as i am then they dont deserve me at all.

im weird. i know that. ive always been the outcast, the quiet kid, the weirdo.

i cant shut this all out forever. i'll have to face these things eventually. and i wont be ready when i do. its hard to think about because my brain starts to shut it all down. it lays a fog over me that gets me to forget any critical thinking about the world around me and the changes i could make in my life. the revelations i have about myself are so quickly forgotten. it tells me to just delete this whole post. put it back away, never let it see the light of day, but its important. important that it does. important that i dont just sit with this stuff in my head for forever. it'll just get worse if i do.

[kaihoku]

V25   YES OR NO – November, 1995

Kids are amazing creatures. They can simply go, “Noooo I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna” or “Yeah!” without any worry at all. As adults, we are more inhibited by our tendency to overthink even the simplest of things. Sure, it may be scary but it’s also wonderful to simply be able to honestly refuse and say, “I don’t wanna!”

~*~

People with jobs like ours are in a position where we are frequently watched. But it doesn’t stop there. The results of our appearance will then get quantified into numbers. TV ratings are of course a result of not just a single person so I shouldn’t have to worry too much. Still, there’s a part of me that can’t help but be painfully conscious of my actions.  For example. When there’s a press announcement for an upcoming film or drama, I can’t bring myself to straight up say “I can’t think of anything” even when that is the truth and always feel like I have to do something if only to keep up appearances.

What really made me start to think my actions through carefully was a feature some weekly photo rag oh-so-kindly published about me. Because what hurt wasn’t the fact that people started to talk smack about me, but about the people I know who were unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it was just me, it’d simply be like tripping and falling and going “Whoops!” For that, all I have to do is pick myself up.  But when it happens to someone else through no fault of theirs, it takes a lot to put things back to right.

When I confronted the so-called writer who wrote that feature, they just said to me right off the bat, “But getting stuff written about you is part of what being famous is all about!” Knowing that they can’t be reasoned with, I just told them to put themselves in the shoes of people they write about and left it at that.

Thanks to that, I went through a pretty rough time. Not trying to come off sounding poetic or anything like that but it really felt like a knife to the gut. And for a while after that, I was completely out of sorts.

Despite what I have going on personally, at work, the others would be laughing and singing just like normal.  And I know this may come off as cold but if I thought about it, I’m the same as everyone else. Even if another person is having a tough time, there’s really nothing much I can do for them other than to empathize. When I realized that, I had to ask myself if my worries are really all that different.

It was around then that a friend who lived nearby brought his kid over. It was a 2-year old boy. And somehow or other, I ended up being in charge of entertaining the tot. I had Porsche and Corvette toy car models and was a bit anxious about them at first but from the moment the kid saw them and went “Wow~~!” I was a goner. Next thing I knew, we were playing with them and I was going:

“Zoom! Kerr-rash! Ka-boom! “

“Oh noes, the cars are destroyed!”

“Look, the tires came off!”

I realized as I was having fun with the boy that I didn’t feel bothered by anything at all. It’s a wonder, really. Kids have zero qualms in just straight up telling you to your face if they don‘t like something. They’d just nod and say, “Yeah, I like it!” if they do like something and shake their head and say “No, I hate it!” if they don’t. If you do something they think is interesting, they’d just be amazed and go, “Wow!” They’re aren’t afraid of anything. And seeing their clear and honest reactions makes me unafraid, too. It’s pretty amazing.

When they left, I ended up giving the boy everything we played with, up to and including the blue Porsche convertible that was my favorite.  And I told my buddy, “Anytime you folks want to have a date night, just send this lil’ fella my way. I’ll babysit ‘im for you.”

When we play with kids, it’s mainly because we want to enjoy ourselves. My job for sure involves the enjoyment of others. But I believe that it shouldn’t stop there and that it’s important that in doing my job to entertain others, I need to enjoy what I’m doing myself as well. And I need to become more immersed in doing the things I enjoy. Whatever I'm involved in doing, even if I have to exert effort to persist, I want to keep at it until the end. But I also don’t want to ignore the part of me that simply wants to be honest with what I like and what I don’t. So! Imma do just that when it isn’t about work. There’s plenty of stuff I want to try outside of it anyway.

As adults, we always seem to have to keep reminding ourselves that we aren’t kids anymore but now I’m more thinking what’s so wrong with acting like one sometimes? If I can’t be honest with myself, who else can I be honest with? At the end of the day, I’m just as weak as any human and no matter how much I want to deny that truth, no one knows it better than myself. With all the shit that gets written about me and if that isn’t bad enough, I’ve also recently been coming home to find my mailbox broken into and ransacked, it all adds up to become enough to drive a person into deep depression. And I’ve come to learn that if we were to force ourselves to act strong and unaffected in this low state, it really only makes things worse inside.

When we feel weak and dispirited, it’s foolish to even pretend to remain strong.  Times like that, I just want to let it all out and shout, “I freakin’ hate this!”

-kinuta-

[sucktacular]

spilling my thoughts out about, oh, i might not just be anxious and burnt out from school! i might be burnt out as shit from masking my whole life. :) (new revelation to me)

so i learned something really juicy about myself with my therapist that im still kinda processing and dont really know how to move forward with it at all but its a realization that may help me with my agoraphobia healing????

SO YOU KNOW HOW IVE BEEN LIKE. Im so anxious im so scared of going outside cuz what if ppl judge me or are mean to me or whatever what if i cant fit in what if i look weird what if im targeted what if what if what if

so ive been going on for the past like... since march 2020 at minimum being like "im such an anxious mess i wish i coudl get my anxiety in check" and im sure thats a lot of it but ALSO

uhm... I used the word masking (i dont use it often cuz idk if it fits me and i also acknowledge its generally language used by autistic folk but also realizing now that maybe its something most neurodivergent folk can use? - plz dont get angry at me please if i use wrong words btw i'm uneducated and still teaching myself ; - ; but also clearly this makes sense for me also - and my therapist was basically like "okay, so, before we go forward, do you think that masking has anything to do with your agoraphobia?" as a point of asking me to think it over before we keep talking about it and for me to really personally think about it and digest it and... wow?? folks i think ive been masking so hard I burnt myself out?? which doing google research briefly i realize is definitely a thing (masking burn out) and i fucking

i cant believe ive been like "im burnt out because school is hard and im anxious all the time cuz im scared of ppl and thats it" when like yes thats fair and probably doesnt help but ALSO- WOAH MAYBE IM BURNT OUT BECAUSE EVEN TO OPEN MY FRONT DOOR TO GET MAIL IM ALWAYS LIKE OGH I GOTTA LOOK OKAY I GOTTA LOOK "NORMAL" I GOTTA GET READY I GOTTA PREP I GOTTA SWITCH ON THE NORMAL ME

if someone is delivering something i have to dress and brush my hair and preen and look in the mirror and take a mmoment to set myself up let alone if i go out into public spaces.

and we were talking and they asked what masking does for and to me, like whats the good whats the bad and like ive always known i wear myself out trying to be around ppl and public but i just chocked it up to being introverted. which is still a valid thing but thats maybe not... everything....

and i thought about it for a moment quietly and started getting a little choked up and was like, well masking makes me feel safe and makes me feel in control and right and like no one will pick me out to bother me or whatever. but then i started getting teary eyed and crying cuz.

i hate it. i HATE masking i HATE having to sit myself up right and preening myself til i have a head ache and i hate sitting on buses and the entire time being a whole experience where im just "dont look out that window its too close to that person theyll think youre looking at them and dont sloutch or youll look weird and dont move too much youll look weird and dont firdget youll look suspicious and dont look around youll look suspicious and definitely dont look at anyone or smile or wave and dont do anything just look out your window or your phone. NOTHIGN ELSE" and like... hm maybe thats not normal!!!??? I come home and im so tired im so tired and my clothes hurt me and my body hurts and im tense and im so burnt out emotionally and physically i avoid hanging out with friends because i feel like i have to act a certain way anyway when they know me and we both know theres no expectation for me to mask myself?? but i dont know how to turn it off at all.

its reminds me of finally learning to be okay with my hair. with not preening the fuck out of it before i go anywhere. that my natural dried hair is okay and good even. i rmember being in elementary school and i straightened my hair everyday because i have wavy hair and would brush it a lot and didnt know how to take care of it so it'd be a puffy long mess so the only way i knew how to fix that was the straighten it- and i remember one weekday night my straightener died and i was in HYSTERICS!!! I was crying!!! and begging!!! my mom for us to go to walmart to go get a new one. I literally felt like if I had to go to school the next day without my hair done that i would DIE!!!! something HORRIBLE would happen i wouldnt be normal enough and it would be the end for me or whatever. it freaked me out so SEVERELY. and like... i just chocked that up to anxiety and bullying, which yes it absolutely was. but maybe also... masking?? doing my little preening and things to make myself look less like a "weird kid" like less of a target

and like when i was a kid i always wanted to dress emo. i wanted the finger less gloves and i wanted the shaggy dark hair and i wanted the detailed outfits and the boots and the converse and the everything but i was SO SCARED to be seen as weird or out of place or give kids one more reason to bully me. and i remember being in high school like 9th grade and wearing striped fingerless gloves to school and i was so happy about them and at my locker some kids in my grade were lurking around behind me and loudly said something making fun of my gloves but not @ me just in general but it was 100% @ me even if i wasnt looking or involved. and i took them off... and i never wore them outside again... and then i sold them and got rid of them...

but like it took me so long to get to the point of like i care so much what ppl think but i also want to be what i want to look like and getting my hair cut SHORT and THEN dying it black and feeling like myself? i was so so scared out of my mind going in the next day but.... i also loved it?

and its just so fucked because i do all this shit to pretend to be normal and fine and safe and a trusting gentle person and I am, i am, its not a lie at all, but i make so much effort to make sure its a seeable attribute that like- helllooo??? IM ALT!!! IM GAY!! IM VISIBLY QUEER AND DRESS WEIRD!!! but im scared of being seen as weird?? what the fuck bro

and i know thats also internalized mental health stuff absolutely. even just saying "normal" and "weird" is very... yucky but i dont really know how else to describe it. but i see myself saying that and doing that and know its anti-mental health and anti-neurodivergence to feed into that within myself and externally

anyway just... damn man, im burnt out from masking all the damn time all my life and im just so tired of it to the point its easier to stay inside its easier to not take public transit its easier to get groceries delivered its easier to never go for a walk on my own its easier to do x y z but im deeply deeply unhappy

i think independence is so important to me, to be able to do what i want and where i want and do it ON MY OWN!!! i HATE relying on people i hate it so much. its not even so much the ego its just the feeling like i need to repay people for their kindness and money or gifts. and unless its specifically and perfectly said to not leave any doubts in my mind- im always going to feel like i need to repay them or that im a mooch and a bad person for accepting offers when i know i cant give them back?

just... fuck me man. and like my therapist brought up the fact i live with "strangers" and questioned how that effects me and like i cant remember where the end of that question or suggestion went but its true. i live with ppl i dont know too much past being nice people that dont seem to judge me or will allow me to have space without trying to talk me up or intrude on my personal space/personal time. but like....... yeah i couldnt begin to imagine what thats also doing to me.

thankfully ive gotten a lot better about living with strangers (ive been renting rooms in houses with other random tenants for the past ... 5 or so years?- this is the first place that wasnt student housing) but like man the gymnastics ive had to do to get comfortable just leaving my room to go to the bathroom let alone all the way down to the kitchen in the PvP zone. yeesh but yeah thankfully roomies now are super cool and super chill and will talk about problems without being passive aggressive or mean or confusing about it. ; w ;

anyway im rambling as fuck but uhm... yeah im burnt the fuck out and literally so tired all the time and anxious all the time and its probably got a lot to do with me internalizing what it means to be different, what it means to be queer and neurodiverse and what it means to my body and mind to try and pretend and switch on the "im normal and im safe and im a safe person to be around and im a nice person and im not a threat and im just minding my buisness" act that ive been switching on since i was old enough to be anxious about going to the front of the store without my parents to put a coin in the candy machine and trying to not freak out about the fact i COULD "look like im shop lifting or that i dont belong " even though ive never been in trouble for that when i was a kid and i never shoplifted as a kid and i was just doing what any kid would do????

so who else drinking the fucked up juice that makes you fucked up?

[kdipshit]

Running away

Look at me running away from it as soon as it makes me uncomfortable, yeah I did what I could in my brain and change my thoughts but I still chose to leave because it was getting hard. I left. I chose that, and now I am here, and now what? Now I have to process leaving, get told off probably, feel guilty, all because I chose not to do it. Thats my issue now, just doing it.

Okay lets look at the reason why I left okay, instead of telling myself off a little bit. First of all, I was feeling genuinely sick and onto of that I was already bothered and moving slow, now, I should have just told someone I was leaving, but I was sick and I felt like an empty pit in my stomach, I was in pain, my face went white and I felt faint and dizzy, and I didn’t even smoke, I was sober and sick dizzy and in pain. I didn’t have to energy for my activity I had promised to go to.

Anyways, so yes I do feel sick and tired and I’m aloud to feel sick and tired. tell me off all you want but I’m not going to let it effect me in any way negatively at all, instead it will effect me none, and I will take only the truth and grow from it. I just have to keep levelling up, and I feel like I’m trying to make my own steps, instead of progressing with the universe’s path chosen for me. My decisions determine which path I go down, yes, but by trying to make my own pathway out of thoughts is again, chasing dragons. Just walk the path you’re on, and if you can’t see it, then clean up a little bit more.

The power of choice. I’m here now, so whats the point continuing to feel guilty? I’ve processed it, and I’m happy with my outcome, I know some more why’s, and I’m getting a better understanding through current practice. The power of choice.

I would like to look at all the memories I forgot, like a library. Maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable and difficult if I could just see how much love I had in it, instead of all the bad. I really don’t like talking to people coz they really have no fucking idea. What am I talking to? It makes no sense to me, anything anyone says makes 0 sense. Zilch. I don’t understand nor can I comprehend their sentences. im not part of them, I’m seperate. They are the same, luckily. Being seperate from the human race is a difficult and sometimes grey world to live in. But If ye can find the colour, so can i. i dont like to hold conversations, no small talk bullshit, being quiet doesn’t mean I’m scared. Maybe I’m a little scared, but nothing I cant fix though. He sacredness that I have, I wonder where it comes from, I remember having panic attacks at 7 in primary school when this one kid would always throw a fit and become violent throwing desks and chairs and screaming swearing punching kids hitting kids, I was scared of him, but he was nice to me. I guess thats my earliest memory, I was so scared I didn’t move, but my body started shaking just real anxious. I guess that can be caused by my parents arguing around us as kids, sometimes it got real ugly and I did the same thing, shake. I used to think ‘what the hell is wrong with me’ as I tried my best to stop shaking, causing more panic when I find it impossible to stop. It doesn’t take long for me to become extremely overwhelmed once I hit this point, and at that point I can lose control.

Maybe I’m just so medicated that I don’t even realise when I’m in a depressive episode. Sobriety makes me anxious and angry, I just need weed to feel mellow, and not flip the fuck out for real. Thank you for pointing that out.

so this whole level up thing I’ve been wanting to do, like pretty much just be high maintenance, always look good 24/7, look good feel good right? Q is…. Should I get extentions? …. no

I think as long as I’m taking care of myself, and I’m writing, I can do anything. Thats really my base, thats all I need, self can and letting everything off. Im really excited to get my nails cute like Haiilsz beiber, yeah. I want pretty hands.

I really didn’t plan to be here for this many years. I mean like when I was 14/15/16 I wasn’t thinking about myself at 23 years old, which Is where Im at right now, 23 :) thats crazy, anywyas, I wasn’t planning on it. So now that I’m here I’m lost it seems, or like, still 19, still a teenager. But I’m a woman now. Everyone around me is older aswell.

I dont have much respect for peoples time, I don’t really take things as seriously as other people do. Or at least thats how I feel, I feel rude. But I shouldn’t, because I never set out my day to be rude, I set out my days in the best possible intentions I can bring myself to create for myself. And that is why things are always working out for me not matter how they look at any time.

[journalofanangel]

what causes me to self destruct?

the fear of losing, the fear of missing out, the fear of disappointing someone (regardless of our relationship or how close we are), the fear of being hurt or abandoned... i also overthink and blame myself and can't separate myself from my thoughts and emotions.

I feel pressured, ashamed, and anxious. I get a rush of adrenaline that is mostly, if not entirely, shame and anxiety. I get nervous and, even if I feel like I'm thinking clearly, I'm still irrational and I can't put two and two together. this might have to do with my disorders unfortunately.

If you label yourself as a bad person, you’ll start to believe that something’s inherently wrong with you and that you’ll never improve. Instead, by thinking of yourself as a good, worthy person who makes mistakes, you give yourself permission to grow. (quote)

i struggle with understanding why my friends think im a good person, why they love me, or why they don't think I'm a horrible person. i feel a lot of shame around who I am, where I come from, and the lies I've told. i feel like I have so many reasons to feel horrible and I feel like others should think I'm horrible too.

i know there's something positive to take from this but I'll add that on later.

you could tell yourself that you are allowed to choose a healthy alternative to your self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could turn to alcohol when you’re in pain, but you’re also allowed to call your friend for support.

the important thing for my to remember is that I'm allowed to rely on people. i can't consistently rely on most of the people around me because I don't feel understood or safe around them. i feel like if i don't have someone to ground me, i spiral. i can ground myself at times but then i still get scared. i get scared so easily unfortunately.

my friends have told me it's okay to reach out and rely on them. it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to talk to them, it's okay. i never really feel safe around my family though. i feel so disgusting around them. they say they're happy to be part of these things but it feels so gross every time. i don't want to be around them.

i wanna feel safe... i wish this one friend could feel safe around me but with this kind of behaviour and this mindset, I get why she can't. i understand why.

i wanna find some healthier coping mechanisms that work in the moment, things that can help me slow down when I can't rely on others.. I'd like to not be so dependent.

If avoiding self-destruction is intensely difficult, try waiting 30 minutes to engage in the behavior instead of acting on the impulse right away.

I've tried this, I think I just need to dedicate myself to it. especially when I feel myself having doubts that end up being true...

Overcoming self-destructive behavior is not an overnight process. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness is essential as you work toward healthier coping skills. When you’ve relied on self-destructive actions to numb your pain for so long, you likely feel some degree of mental, emotional, or physical addiction to the behaviors.

I always expect to heal overnight, I expect to fuck up once then never do it again.. I never expect kindness or forgiveness, i scare myself into acting how I think I "should" and then inevitably end up shaming myself into acting a certain way.

this is really hard. i feel horrible but I'm trying to improve, I just hate hurting people over and over like this. im tired of disappointing people. I've been tired of this. it's so hard being consistent. it's hard but I'm trying. I've stopped caring if people notice or if they care, this isn't about them at this point. it's for me and, inevitably, the people I love. i can't keep shaming myself and running away.

I should bring this up to my therapist. this can be something she helps me with. i want to stop focusing on the past and putting so much energy into feeling bad or being angry about what's already happened. I want to heal, I want to do better.

i want to love people without deeply wounding them. i know the hurt and the mistakes are inevitable, we're only human after all and love is a complicated thing, but I want to love them anyway.

I want to love and I want to be good. I want to feel whole and safe.

saturday march 4th 2023 2030

[she-waves-at-cats]

So I relate to absolutely everything in yr "quiet and hardworking" post, except the quiet part cos i talk more the more anxious i am but that's besides the point. What I am interested in is the reading eyebrow twitches because mine twitch A LOT and go all over the place without my awareness. Even if i try to, and feel like, im keeping my face as still as possible. I hate it and it makes me even more nervous cos nobody elses does. I am not diagnosed autistic, if anything i have the opposite problem of reading facial expressions [reading them "too well"/too much into them] but the ADHD doctor diagnosed me with ADHD after about 5 minutes cos he said he could tell by "how alive my face was". It makes me very nervous that my face is doing much more than other people's and Ive gotten paranoid that's why people dont seem to like me. Cos my face is saying things im not aware of and that might be interpreted completely wrong. It feels like yr supposed to have a blasé pokerface and I have the face of a meth addict. Naturally.[I'm not medicated for ADHD]

So im curious as to what you read from people's eyebrows? Do you prefer people with "talking eyebrows" & a face that's alive or does it make you nervous? How do you feel about greyhounds an other dogs with that type of eyebrows?

In short, facial activity (or neurotype) doesn't matter as much as whether your expressions match your true feelings. Some people just don't understand the ways and reasons we express ourselves and if you fight your expressions, that reads as false. This will turn away those who might want to be your friends. But then there are people and situations where we just don't fit in no matter how hard we try, and for those occasions i think it's good to mask. I'm biased here because a poker face is easy for me. Easier than "toning down". But being permanently masked is a miserable life. You don't get rejected but you don't get to experience anything good.

Hey, thanks for asking and helping me think about this. From here on out, it's a stream of consciousness. It's a long post, but you can take heart in knowing that I deleted most of my first draft.

First of all, I think it needs to be said that I haven't been diagnosed with autism or adhd, but at 35 I don't need to be. I've had enough of talking to psychiatrists in my 20s, getting traumatised by them and labeled with mental illnesses that didn't fit me on the basis of my masked behaviour in an artificial situation. Once I allowed myself to accept autism as the cause for my lifelong struggle, it all just fell into place. I was instantly healed of depression, for one.

I wish I was that sort of autistic who doesn't notice and doesn't care about social stuff. Life would be so much more manageable. Alas, I crave friendship and love. In an autistic way. Being loved is my special interest.

The eyebrow twitch was a metaphor mostly. It's about being consciously on the lookout for signs someone's tired or unhappy with me. I think we have the same problem of reading too much into other people's expressions, but it's the right thing to do if you don't want to risk being excluded.

Of course it's all part of a larger picture: what they say, how they phrase it, how they have acted around me historically etc. A single eyebrow movement is nothing, but on a person who has expressed contempt of me before, it's the first sign they're about to say something nasty. Maybe I can stop them if I stop speaking now.

Outside of my close friend circle, people rarely give status updates like "i liked when you did x earlier", "I'm tired of this topic, let's talk about my interest now", or even "I like you". You're supposed to just figure it out from small clues, and if you fail, you suffer consequences. In my experience.

What type of face I prefer? It depends. My two best friends have extremely lively faces, 100 expressions a minute. My husband is not very expressive unless he's actively laughing at a joke. None of these people try to force or fake expressions that don't fit their emotional state. When they emote at me, they are just being themselves, not trying to get me to do something or become something through subtle pressure. They are welcome to look me in the eye because they look with love and acceptance. All these people are great at asking rather than assuming things. And when I tell them something that is true about me, they believe my words.

My own face? I don't know. I think I've always appeared mostly sad and bland. I taught myself to express appropriate emotions, so much that people accepted me even if they instinctively didn't trust me. Now I know for most of my life I was deeply unhappy, so my true expression would've been a scream. Now that I'm no longer depressed, the amount of joy i take in simple things… makes me mask my expressions as well. Grinning like a maniac at a flower or bird or a chain of associations in my mind wouldn't get me any friends either.

I've always preferred to just not be watched. Keep my joys and sorrows private inside my mind or at least inside my house.

I also don't mind looking at faces per se, except when people look straight back at me. When they're busy doing something and telling me about it, or talking to others, I enjoy watching their expressions. It freaks me out when a film character breaks the fourth wall, but I'll allow that if it's really funny. I like looking at photos of others and myself where we're living our lives rather than posing, because faces just look nicer when the eyes are not pointed straight at me.

It's funny you ask about dogs. Being around a dog can be really tiring because they make me feel so observed. I can see the dog making judgements about me, deciding how to react to my words and actions. Their constant alertness to humans makes me self-conscious. The way they mirror expressions is unsettling. It's hard to believe that a creature can genuinely always want to be together and do what i ask it to.

Multiple dogs watching my every move? That would be just like retail. I'm not putting myself through that for less than fair minimum wage.

It's easier to relate to less social animals. Fish, birds, snails even. You don't feel judged by a snail. My cat is easy to care for, because he is very clear about what he wants when he wants something, letting me know with sounds, eye contact and movements, but when he doesn't need me, he does his own thing. We are aware of each other but with no demands.

This is also true about the people who are easiest to interact with. We parallel-play in the same room, text each other our random thoughts rather than demand instant attention. We talk without necessarily looking at each other.

I appreciate not being drawn into a game of just emoting at each other for no external reason, but if someone wants to share something big with me, or ask me for something I can give them, I'm there for them. If a year or two have passed since we last talked, that makes no difference. And if their face is easy to read, that's just a bonus.

[poisonedapples]

Patton’s Home For Traumatized Kids - Chapter Five

Bad Memories Don’t Erase

Chapter Summary: Roman tags along with Logan and Virgil to hang out at their friend’s house.

First Chapter Previous Chapter Story Masterlist

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, stealing, and one inappropriate joke

Word Count: 4,008

Taglist: @shade-romeo, @grayson-22, @pixelated-pineapple, @acrobaticcatfeline, @astrozei, @edupunkn00b, @princey-7258, @eternalmoonlight19, @remy-the-lemon-berry, @look-ma-im-on-tv, @mariniacipher, @bigwendymonster, @nonbinary-octopus

Notes: This chapter’s a little short, but the next one is gonna be really long, so hopefully that makes up for it

On Sunday the next day, Patton finally took Roman to buy his gym clothes. Roman was trying to hide a goofy smile while sitting in the back seat, desperate to not get his hopes up while also ecstatic his plan was working so far. He was going to have Patton stay in the car while Roman shopped for clothes! This had never worked on his dad before!

By the time Patton finally parked the car in the parking lot of the store, Roman’s chest felt weighted from his anxiety, waiting to see Patton’s final verdict. So long as he didn’t change his mind now, then Roman was in the clear. He hoped to be in the clear.

“Alright, kiddo,” Roman’s heart stopped as Patton pulled out his wallet and gave him some money. “Forty dollars should be more than enough for some pairs of gym pants and shirts. Give me back all the change when you come back, okay?”

“I will! Promise!” Roman wanted to jump for joy. It was working!

“Text me when you’re checking out so you don’t surprise me, and if you see something else you might want, just text me before you buy it so I know. Tell me if you have any issues, okay?”

“Okay!”

Patton smiled. “Go on then, kiddo.”

Roman practically leaped out the door to skip his way to the front entrance of the clothing store, two twenty dollar bills crumbled in his pocket. He got away with it! No parents staring him down while he changed outfits!

Roman walked into the store and tried to hide the skip in his step. With no parents to watch him, he could buy what he actually wanted to wear, no tight pants and scoop neck shirts. No, Roman wanted to look like his real goal. His goal of being a blob of cloth that vaguely resembled a human.

Granted, he’d mostly gotten there. His aunt replaced all of his wardrobe, so his current clothes were a lot more comfortable to wear even if they weren’t very fashionable. Mostly bright colored t-shirts and pants, maybe some shorts if they were able to reach down far enough. Maybe once he was more comfortable with himself he could actually test out more styles, but for now, oversized clothes were all he could handle.

Roman’s walk sped up slightly when his eyes landed on the men’s athletic section. He had to be quick with this, he didn’t want Patton getting impatient and coming in to check on him. Roman looked through the shorts and shirt sizes, easily finding a size up for a couple shirts while heavily struggling on the shorts. Roman groaned. It was always the shorts that caused the issue, they were always too high up. What if he was sitting down and the pant leg rode up too far? No, Roman refused to get something like that willingly.

Roman took all the athletic shorts that could fit him and held them up in front of his legs. Most of them only made it to his lower thigh, but he managed to find two shorts that made it to right below his knee. Roman smiled and bounced on his toes, grabbed his items and rushed to find a dressing room. Once he did, he rushed into the first empty area he saw and locked the door. The mirrors on the walls and gaps in the door made it hard for him to change comfortably, so instead Roman tried to press himself against the very corner of the room when he was changing.

Between the six shirts and two pants Roman found, he was pretty happy with most of his choices. Thankfully, the long shorts looked fine, so Roman hung them up on a hook with a sign over it saying I’m buying this! and considered it a success. However, when it got time to look at the shirts, only three of them were good enough for purchase. The white one he grabbed was practically see-through, and the other two had a scratchy inside material that Roman couldn’t stand, so they got put on the reject hook while the other three passed the test. 

For a rushed shopping visit, Roman was pretty pleased with his choices. Two shorts might not be enough for five days worth of classes, but maybe Roman could keep one pair in his locker until it started to stink. Which might be a little gross, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Roman exited the dressing room and put his rejected shirts on a rack outside, carrying his other items to the checkout area. Before he got in line, he looked at all the price tags and added them up in his head best he could. The shirts were about six dollars each, and the shorts were a little over five after tax. Which means, adding up the extra cents, he’d have to pay twenty nine dollars for the clothes in total. Considering Patton gave him forty dollars, this was plenty.

Roman hesitated for a second. He stuffed his hand into his pocket to feel the money in the palm of his hand while he thought about his options. If he told Patton the truth, Roman would give him eleven dollars and there would be no issues. Patton might let him do this again next time they go shopping, too. But also…Roman had no backup plan. He was stuck with Patton with nowhere to go if things went wrong.

His aunt told him that Roman could always go back to her house if a guardian was abusing him, and he had every intention to take her up on that offer the second the opportunity arose. But even if Roman walked to her house on foot, he had no money for food during that trip. She lived so far away from him now, there was no way to get to safety without a dollar to his name. But if he stole some from Patton, then Roman could have a serious issue on his hands.

Roman slowly walked up to the check out area and handed the teenage worker the clothes. As she scanned all the items with a satisfying beep, Roman felt himself getting antsy. There’s no guarantee Patton will let me do this again. I’ve already gotten away with so much, and the more time I spend around him, the more danger I’m in. But if Patton notices I stole from him, he could be furious. Is there even a right answer here?

“Twenty nine dollars and thirty two cents.” The cashier said cheerfully. Roman handed her the money and she put it in the register, then handed Roman a bunch of coins, two five dollar bills, and a one dollar. She smiled. “Would you like a receipt?”

“Uh, no thank you.”

When the receipt printed, the cashier tore it out and threw it in the trash behind her. “Have a nice day.”

“You too.” Roman squeaked, rushing away from the register to stare at the money. Apparently they ran out of ten dollar bills, because the money was split perfectly for taking without it being obvious. Roman considered this a sign to take his chance. He put a five dollar bill and a quarter in his left pocket and shoved the rest in his right. It wasn’t much, but he could build it up. This was only the beginning.

Roman walked out of the store and tried to act normal instead of anxious. Worst case scenario, he’d say he forgot to bring out the rest and give Patton the other bills. Giving away the quarter also would be too obvious, but he could get away with stealing that at least. When he made it to Patton's car, Roman opened the back seat and tossed his clothes next to him.

“Hey, kiddo!” Patton greeted, “Got any extra cash to give me?”

“Uh, yeah, here.” Roman dug into his right pocket to grab half the money and handed it to him. Patton put the coins in his pocket and put the two bills in his wallet. He didn’t seem to consider how much Roman gave him, instead he started backing out of the driveway and got distracted while reversing. Roman let out a quiet sigh of relief.

He felt the five dollars still stored in his pocket. He got away with it. For now.

***

“We’re home!” Patton announced as he and Roman stepped inside. Logan and Virgil were both lying on the couch, and Logan perked up from his spot.

“Wonderful. We wanted to ask both of you a question.” Logan said.

Patton seemed intrigued. “What question?”

“Can we go to Janus’ house, Pat?” Virgil asked.

“Oh, of course, kiddos! Do you know when you might be back?”

Virgil thought about it. “Probably at six before dinner.”

“Perfect! Just text me if that changes so I don’t worry, okay?”

“We will.” Logan reassured, “And Roman, would you like to come with us?”

Roman tilted his head to the side. “Me? I don’t even know who Janice is.”

Virgil sunk into the couch more. “Friend of ours. Has a snake, talks a lot about philosophy and books. Acts like a tired underaged wine aunt.”

“Right, well, still. Isn’t it a little strange for me to tag along to a stranger's house?” Roman pointed out.

“Janus wouldn’t mind, I’m sure.” Logan said. “Of course, you don’t have to, we simply figured you would like the invitation so you’re not the only one left out.”

Roman’s eyes widened when Logan said that. Wait, shit, if Logan and Virgil are going to this girl’s house, then Roman will be here. Alone. With Patton. Until six in the afternoon.

Roman’s mood change was almost instant. “Well then, perhaps I should go! Make new friends and establish bonds, or whatever!”

Virgil smirked. “Sweet. It’s a short walk, just a block away. Just let us grab our shoes and we can head out.”

“I’ll tell Janus we’ll be bringing a third party.”

Roman let out a breath of relief. As Virgil and Logan grabbed whatever they needed, Roman set his new bag of clothes in his room next to his backpack. He’d have to remember to put some boxers in there before tomorrow morning, too.

Roman felt the five dollars in his pocket again. He took the money and hid it deep in his backpack in a hidden pocket he hoped wasn’t too easy to find. Satisfied with that for now, Roman stepped back outside of his room and waited for the others.

Once everyone was situated, Virgil called out to let Patton know they were leaving the house and then closed the door. Logan and Virgil did most of the talking as they walked while Roman just listened, following behind them and letting the two lead the way.

“Oh, and Roman,” Logan suddenly said during a point of silence, “Another one of our friends may also show up later at Janus’ house. He said he might be coming, so we’ll see.”

Roman shrugged. “Sounds fine to me.”

“Alright.”

No one said anything else after that on the walk. After a while, Virgil and Logan stopped in front of a house and started walking up the driveway to the front door. As Virgil knocked on the door, Roman stood awkwardly off to the side until someone answered.

It wasn’t long before the door swung open, showing a teenage kid with a large birthmark under his left eye. He rested his elbow on the top of the black and yellow cane next to him and smirked. Was he the brother, perhaps?

“I’ve been expecting you.” He said menacingly.

“‘Sup, fucker.” Virgil greeted.

“Hello, Janus.”

Wait, what? Against his better judgment, Roman forced himself to stand in front of Logan to face Janus. “Wait, your name is Janice?” He asked.

Janus put his hand on his face. “Janus. It’s Janus. J-a-n-u-s, not the old lady name Janice.”

Roman felt his face grow hot. “…Oh. Well, uh…”

Janus rolled his eyes and held the door open wider. “Just come inside.”

Virgil was the first to step in, with Logan following after while Roman hesitated. He made an awful first impression, maybe he should just walk around the block for a while instead-

“Come on, my arm is tired.” Janus coaxed. Roman felt too awkward to walk away, so he instead sucked it up and stepped inside the house with everyone else.

The house was quite nice. The walls were painted dark and the carpet was red, but it looked nice in a Victorian era kind of way. On the living room coffee table were piles of fabric and a sewing machine, seemingly making something that looked like a suit. Janus took the cane he was holding and threw it onto the couch. Well, apparently it was just a part of the outfit.

Virgil motioned to all the fabric on the table. “Fuck are you making now, dude?”

“I’m making the refined villain look of my dreams.”

“Nice. When do you think you’ll finish it?”

“Possibly tomorrow. I’ll start on it again after school.”

“Do you make your own clothes?” Roman asked, hoping to distract himself from his previous embarrassment.

Janus smiled slightly. “Less clothes, more costumes. Mostly for myself, but sometimes I make them for the high school’s theater when I’m feeling generous.”

“Oh, that sounds fun!”

“Wanna see Janus’ costume closet?” Virgil asked.

Roman shrugged. “If he wants me to.”

“Oh yeah, just talk about me like I’m not here.” Janus rolled his eyes and motioned for everyone to follow him. He had a downstairs family room with a closet off to the side. Once everyone was downstairs, Janus opened it and let Roman look inside.

“…Woah.” Roman looked at all the costumes, astonished and full of wonder. A lot of them were very extravagant, like they were specifically designed for a dramatic person, so Roman felt a calling toward them. He took a few of them off their hangers to look at; roaring twenties inspired suits and a black dresses with fancy gold finishes. Roman ran his hand on the fabric like they were fancy relics.

“They are quite high-quality.” Logan said, “Costume design is certainly one of Janus’ greatest skills.”

“I can see that.” Roman whispered.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Don’t make his ego bigger than it already is.”

“Oh no, please do continue, I’m designed to be the center of attention.” Janus smirked.

Roman laughed and put the costumes back on the rack. It seemed like him and Janus were pretty similar in personality, just on opposite ends of the spectrum. Both dramatic artists, except one likes to add that with tons of sarcasm. He could see them getting along quite easily.

“Also, Janus,” Virgil said while looking at his phone, “Rat bastard says he’s coming over. He’ll be here in ten.”

“Ugh, fine. I was getting used to the silence.” Janus sighed.

“…Who’s rat bastard?” Roman asked.

“Friend of ours.” Virgil replied, “You’ll meet him in a bit. He’s a rat bastard. Smells vaguely of cheese.”

“…Attractive.”

“You get used to it.” Janus shrugged. He then smirked at Roman like he got an idea. “Would you like to see my snake?”

Roman’s eyes lit up. “Yes!”

Janus led them all upstairs to his bedroom, Roman following last in the line so he could keep Janus’ door cracked open. As he stepped inside, he noticed a very large cage on the wall to his right. It was very long with lots of wood decorations spread across the container, with a fluorescent lightbulb above it. Roman looked around in the enclosure to try and spot the snake.

Before he could find it, Janus opened the top and stuck his hand in the cage. The snake climbed up his hand onto his arm, and as Janus stuck him out for Roman to see, Roman jumped back.

Janus rolled his eyes. “He’s a corn snake, he’s not known for hurting people.”

Roman still looked at it from a distance. The snake was large enough that Janus had to hold him with both hands, as well as being a mesmerizing yellow color. Roman never had a friend with a pet snake before. “…What’s his name?”

“Lawrence.”

“Nerd.” Virgil called out.

Logan smiled. “I think it is a wonderful name. Lawrence Kohlberg developed the theory on moral development, the very basis for ethical behavior.”

“Nerds.”

“You’re very mature, Virgil.”

Roman ignored them. “I think he’s cool. How old is he?”

“About five. I’ve had him for a while now.”

A buzz came from Virgil’s phone, making him check it and read the message. “Rat bastard says he’s outside your door.” He announced.

Janus didn’t seem rushed. “He can get in on his own.”

Roman laughed, and Janus set Lawrence back in his enclosure so he could bask underneath the heat lamp. Roman still watched his movements from inside the cage. “I wish I had a pet.”

“Patton would get you a dog in seconds if you asked.” Logan suggested.

Roman shook his head. “It’s fine, I won’t ask.” He didn’t really know what kind of pet he even wanted, and besides, it’s not like he’d be able to keep it once he leaves Patton’s house. There was no point.

Suddenly, a loud stomping came from the stairs outside Janus’ bedroom. Roman yelped and ran to hide behind Janus in the corner of the room, but the others didn’t react. 

Roman sputtered. “What the-”

Before Roman could finish, a large bang came as someone kicked open the door and let it smack into the wall.

“I’m back by unpopular demand!”

“Hello, Remus.”

Roman completely froze up at the sound of that name. He turned around to look at the person that just busted down Janus’ bedroom door, a kid with messy hair and peach fuzz for a mustache, ripped jeans in the summer with a cast boot on his right foot.

Roman felt himself choke on air as he processed what was in front of him.

“Slugs are goopy like jello! So jello is made of slugs, duh!”

“Remus, that’s gross! No one would make food out of slugs!”

“What’s up, fuckers!” Remus announced. “I’m back from the pits of hell! Also known as the emergency room.”

Roman didn’t say anything, only stared at him in disbelief. Remus’ voice was a lot different now. He’d hit puberty, so the pitch had dropped a lot from what Roman was used to. A tuft of his hair was white, also. Roman couldn’t tell if it was dye or a condition.

That piece of hair and Remus’ mustache were the only things that made them both look apart now.

“What actually happened?” Logan asked. “You never told us specifics.”

“I broke my foot sucking too much-”

“Remus.” Janus warned.

“Fine, fine. I tripped trying to run up some steps and my fall didn’t look badass at all. Don’t tell people that though. If anyone asks, I broke it running from the cops.”

Janus nodded and smirked. “Noted.”

“We brought a third foster brother, also.” Virgil noted. Roman stopped breathing.

“Oh, really? Shit, I fuckin missed everything!” Roman looked in the corner trying to avoid Remus noticing him, but it was never that easy. “Why hello, welcome to our humble- …Oh, fuck.”

Remus tilted his head to make eye contact with Roman, and the surprise on Remus’ face was something Roman would never forget. He seemed genuinely baffled, like nothing in the world would have prepared him for what he saw. Roman wanted to cry.

I wanted to leave behind these people.

“…Roman?” Remus finally said, “Dude, holy fuck, I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Wait,” Virgil staggered, “You know each other already?”

“He’s my fucking cousin!” Remus exclaimed. “Come on, look at us, we’re only a little related but we look like twins!”

Logan turned to Roman. “Is this true?”

Roman could feel the tears ready to burst. His throat was scratchy, but he tried to talk anyway. “…I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come on, Princey, don’t be shy!” Remus teased. “We used to be best friends, let everyone believe we were twins until our moms called our shit out. Absolute bastard children- …wait. Wait a fucking second.”

“What is it?” Janus asked.

Remus turned to Virgil and Logan with a shocked and confused face. “…You said he’s your foster brother?”

Logan nodded. “That is correct.”

Remus turned to Roman, seemingly at a loss for words. “…Dude, the fuck? What happened?”

Roman looked at the floor, gripping onto his arm so hard it’d be a miracle if there weren’t marks later. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I mean, I know I haven’t seen you since your mom fucked off to Neverland, but what happened to your dad? He’s still alive and shit isn’t he? The hell happened?”

“I said I don’t want to fucking talk about it!” Roman seethed, grinding his teeth together as he practically growled out that sentence.

Virgil flinched violently. “Roman-”

“Whatever!” Roman pushed Remus off to the side and kicked the door fully open, storming his way down the stairs despite the sounds of people yelling for him to come back. Roman stomped out the front door and took a sprint for it down the block, not caring if he had to be alone with Patton, so long as he wasn’t here.

“I bet you would eat a slug!”

“No I wouldn’t! Liar!”

“Boys, boys!” Roman’s mother laughed, crouching down to meet their eye level from their place sitting in the grass. “No eating slugs. Be nice to the bugs or we’ll go back inside.”

“Yeah, Remus!”

Remus huffed. “I’m not doing anything!”

“Not yet!”

Roman’s mother laughed again. “I’m going to help Uncle André with dinner. But I better not hear a fight, okay?”

“Okay!” Roman promised, watching as his mom went back inside his uncle’s house into the kitchen. Roman and Remus continued to play in the grass by looking at bugs and telling stories to each other, making Roman smile more than he has in a long time. He always loved going to Remus’ house. His dad never came with them, so he and his mom were always happier.

“How come we never go to your house?” Remus eventually asked after a few minutes of playing. Roman stuck his tongue out.

“‘Cause our house is tiny and the backyard isn’t as cool.”

“Still! When you come over, you never bring Uncle Theo!”

“Good!” Roman defended, “Dad’s boring so he doesn't getta come!”

“I like him! He’s fun and nice and always brings chocolate!”

“He’s awful!” Roman covered his mouth after he blurted that out. Remus gave him a look.

“He’s not awful!”

Roman looked over to the glass sliding door. His mom was in there, he could see her, but she couldn’t hear him. Maybe he could get away with it. He could tell Remus a secret and his mom would never find out.

Roman hesitantly took his hands away from his mouth. His tone grew to be a lot softer. “…He is, though.”

Remus tilted his head to the side like a dog. “What makes him awful?”

“…Promise not to tell anyone?”

Remus leaned in closer. “Uh huh!”

“No one at all, ever?”

“Triple quadruple promise!”

Roman looked back at his mom. She wasn’t paying attention to him, seemingly talking to his uncle and pouring juice into cups. Roman hesitated for a moment. “…My dad-”

“Boys! Dinner’s ready!” Roman’s mom called out, making Roman jump almost a foot in the air. Both of them got off of the grass to walk inside, but before they did, Remus turned to Roman again.

“Your dad what?”

“…Nevermind.” He missed his chance. Remus would never find out, and Roman never told anyone for another five years.

Roman ran faster down the street at the memory, fighting back the tears in his eyes. It was fine. Roman was fine.

He never wanted to talk to Remus again.

[sscoutregimentss]

i know we as a collective society believe in gamer! eren supremacy. and yes, this is a good take. however, may i introduce to you: normie/fuckboy/jock eren with gamer/nerd gf. thoughts under the cut (safe for work, pg-13, also slight snk spoilers for season 3 and up!)

see, eren isnt necessarily a fuckboy. in fact, hes very loyal! he doesnt really think that way about any girls or guys except you. but hes popular romantically and had a reputation for sleeping around before he met you (not that theres anything wrong with that but ya know word travels fast across campus). plus, cmon the dude is in a frat, super hot and has a tongue piercing. he cant blame anyone for thinking he is a fuckboy bc he exudes the energy.

you are kind of the complete opposite. you dont really enjoy parties and you keep to yourself. you're a total wreck when it comes to flirting and your kinda oblivious to whenever people like you. you dont have many friends and are a bigger fan of 2d people than 3d.

either way eren finds you so so so cute. he first approached you at one of his frat parties. your roommates convinced you to come after she said that someone (read: connie) had a dance dance revolution mat, but you kinda just stuck around in a corner staring at your cup once you lost them. he looks you up and down-- your outfit was pretty cute, a short plaid orange pleated skirt, dress shirt, orange cardigan and black beret laying neatly upon your head. and your face... he couldn't help himself but try to talk to you. you were really anxious because wahhh scary sports guy you dont know but he was kinda instantly comforting? in a way? and he was freaking pretty. he looked like a final fantasy character--long haired characters were your type. the rest was kind of history.

a lot of people are shocked when they find out your dating bc you two are so different (some people are surprise eren “dates” at all) but no one dares question your relationship when they see how much eren dotes on you. he has so many polaroids of you in his wallet-- from the many arcade dates you bring him on where you decimate him at almost every game, you awkwardly posing in the hentai section of bookstores, or just candids of you being intensely focused on a puzzle in a game. whenever you guys go out to eat and somethings wrong with your meal, he'll send it back (in a polite way, of course, but hes still assertive.) or if you buy like a figurine and its misisng something hes marching up to the cashier stand for you. he always has an arm around your waist or is holding is hand in yours. sometimes you just cling onto his arm and rest your head on it (hes comfy!!!!! and you are always tired) your both pretty clingy, but you get kinda awkward when you two are around people you know so he just kinda subtly holds you as to not make a scene. its nice. hes comfy.

youve got dual monitors, a pc you made yourself, rgb keyboard, the whole nine yards. all your consoles are up to date and you keep a handheld system on you at all times. you spend most your weekends watching anime and movies and tv shows and your shelves are piled high with books and comic books. eren literally does not understand any of it. when you told him you built your pc he goes "you made all those microchippy things? youre soooo smart babe". when you talk about some of your weirder or more complicated animes he nods along but honestly he gets so lost ("so like, lemme get this straight, the kids dad's wife ate his mom?" "yeah but like she was turned into a titan so she didn't realllllly know it was the dads wife, but like she literally walks past this titan shifter so i think she knew." "thats crazy.") and he will never understand the point of otome games when hes literally right there. he actually has a really bad habit of getting jealous of characters you have a crush on but you just find it funny. sometimes he gets an ego boost when they look like him because even if they look like him he is actually real so they can suck it.

hes rlly supportive tho. erens a rlly passionate person and he loves you a lot so he pours a lot of passion into what you do. if you are into esports/fps games hes cheers you on all the time and does all the raging for you ("BABE THAT GUY IS STREAM SNIPING! HES STREAM SNIPING YOU HEY ASSHOLE STOP CHEATING OFF MY GIRLFRIEND" "eren he cant stream snipe me because i dont stream" "oh i thought that just meant cheating"/"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER?" "eren its okay i can just report him" "NO NO LET ME AT HIM IF HE WANTS TO CALL YOU A BITCH I CAN CALL HIM MUCH WORSE" "um guys im gonna mute my mic for a second if you need me text chat") if youre into cozy games he likes to watch you play and gives you ideas on where to put things. like in minecraft he makes you put a second bed for him even though he doesnt play and he helps you name all your pets. you get a little less intense with cozy games so you sit on his lap and he lets his hair down puts his head on your shoulder and points at where you should place stuff. he still rages though? this is eren jaeger we are talking about. ("aw, she wont move to my island." "WHAT? who does that little ugly squirrel think she is? you think youre too good for MY y/n's island? i'll shave your unibrow off. then we'll see what island will want you" "leave hazel alone! shes cute!"/"dude that hamster guy with the glasses looks like armin" "graham? what? armin doesnt even wear glasses" "no no look at it more" "oh shit youre right") rpgs/otome games are kinda a wild card with how he acts. if its an otome game and the character looks like him he is more into helping you out because it reaffirms to him that you find him good looking but otherwise he is just sulking and calling them annoying ("princess y/n... i know im just a servant, but i want to be with you forever!" "pft. get a load of this guy. clingy much?" "its romantic! youre jealous.")

one of his favorite things to do with you is cuddle and watch anime. usually he lies his face on your thighs or chest while watching and you play with his hair or he holds you in his chest and you play with one of his hands while the other goes behind his head. he grew up on some of the classics like naruto sailor moon one piece pokemon and dbz but he never got super into it until he started dating you. you put him on to soooo many good shows (cartoons, anime, and live action) hes both a crier and he is a get-angrier(?). he gets mad on characters behalfs and you have to pause the show so he can rant about how annoying someone is or he feels so bad for someone so he has to take a minute because hes tearing up. he likes slice of life anime because the friendships <3 theyre so wholesome and they remind him of him armin and mikasa but he also likes shounen because it is entertaining to watch fights. he gets really into them actually. he also has this really bad habit of whenever there is a character with no parents or a dead mom he goes "oh same" or "welcome to the club buddy" under his breath. when theres a cute couple in an anime you both like guys get matching keychains of them unless one of them dies because he thinks its bad luck. his favorite animes are haikyuu, your lie in april and code geass.

you are equally supportive of erens volleyball career. you know all the rules because sports anime and you actually find yourself really liking it in 3d as well (it is lacking in bromance and screaming but you let it slide). you go to all his games and he always texts you before his practices. has a habit of kissing you before games and one day after he kisses you go "gg ez win" as a JOKE but then they like decimate their long time rival marley university and get into nationals (is that a thing for volleyball idk sports) so hes convinced its because you did your "gamer magic". now every time after getting his good luck kiss he interlocks your pinkies and you go "gg ez win" and he goes “yes.” because to this day he doesnt know what it means (he thinks googling it is like breaking the magic)

okay im gonna stop while im ahead BECAUSE I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY I MIGHT JUST GO AHEAD AND WRITE SOME ONESHOTS....