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nightmaree-eyess · 1 year

Text

Orange is the last of us pt 2

Tlou fic based on oitnb

Summary: after abby got released from prison your resentment builds

Tags: prison au, femme reader, y/n, angst

Word count: 1702

Pt 1:

Divider @cafekitsune

Weeks and weeks go by and the letters keep coming in from abby. You can't bring yourself to read them. Maybe you do hold grudges after all. When you look at the envelopes all you can think is she got to walk free and you're still stuck in this piece of shit with stale air that lingers and agony oozing from the walls. It's not fair but that's life. You wouldn't wish her to come back to the personification of hell though. You wouldn't wish prison on your worst enemy. A part of you wants to read the letters she sends though. Gross curiosity about how she's doing. They taunt you.

“y/n mails here” a guard hands you an envelope and it's another letter from abby. This time instead of shoving it in the endless pile in your cabinet you bring it to the cafeteria at dinner to ask Ellie about it. They have history too and maybe she'll give you some advice.

***************

“If i can guess what the letter says it probably says *speaking in deep voice* hey babe miss you now lemme eat your pussy” ellie makes a v with her fingers and brings it to her mouth to make a crude gesture

“I’m fucking serious ellie. I don't know what to do. I want to know if shes ok but i also dont give a fuck.” you groan

“Well which feeling is stronger? Your love or your resentment?”

And with that question you knew what you had to do

****************

Later that night you end up reading the letter she sent. You take a deep breath to settle your nerves. Your hands are shaking as you take the letter out from the envelope.

Dear y/n,

You probably aren't opening these or if you are, i'm sure you don't really want to hear what i have to say. I doubt if th tables were turned that i would be reading this, but on the off chance that you are still reading, i want to try and explain myself which is difficult in a letter and would be so much easier face to face (even though im terrified that theyll lock me up if i step foot in there) i know that the situation in chicago seems fucked, but i promise i was protecting you.

There was a lot going on that I wasn't able to talk to you about and if I had had even a moment alone with you before the trial, I swear I would have been completely open and honest.

The last thing I want after everything we have been through is for you to feel lied to, or used in any way y/n, i promise.

I love you,

Abby xoxo

You sit there with your mouth agape.She wants to meet in person? What else can she even say? The next morning you ask your counsellor to add Abby to your visitors list. You wanna hear what she has to say. But you also miss having her in the same room as you. You miss sneaking touches under the table and kisses at night. You even miss your mundane conversations. She has a way of making you soft.

Couple days later you call Abby to arrange a Sunday for her to come up and see you. You're nervous but also excited to see her again.

****************

That sunday you walk into the visitation room and there she is, sitting at the middle table and she catches your eye. You see a sparkle that wasn't there before and you're happy for her as much as you don't want to be. You give her a quick hug (which got you yelled at) and you sit across from her. Shes wearing that grey sweater that makes her muscles look so fucking good. It's your favorite sweater she owns.

“This is totally weird but, i'm in the wrong outfit”

“I like your sweater.” you reach out to touch her buff arms to just feel that she's real

“Its soft…like your resolve when you're offered a plea deal” you snided

“It came down at the very last minute, y/n. Abby sighed “And they promised me it would put Kubo away for good.”

“But it made me a perjurer and you a free woman.”

“I thought you were gonna tell the truth!” abby yelled

“And I thought you were gonna lie!” you yelled back

“What are we in a fucking novel or something?” Abby said this made you both chuckle.

“It's good to see your face”

You shake your head “I don't know what to say.”

“You have every right to be angry.” abby sits back in her chair and crosses her arms

“I don't know if I'm angry. I'm confused…by you.”

Abby chuckles “I'm confused by me, too. I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.”

“Well that's an understatement” you say flatly

“Im a fuck-up. And now i get to be a fuck-up in a shithole apartment in Queens. Too afraid to even open my curtains.” abby looks around the room and whispers

“I sleep with a gun.”

“You what?! Abby , what the hell? You're on probation.”

“There is a van parked outside my apartment everyday. He's trying to scare me. I wanna go out there with a baseball bat and smash the fucking windows in.” abby looks scared and defeated

“I should honestly start dealing again”

You look at her in disbelief

“Find a bigger, tougher new kingpin who can beat up my old kingpin”

“That's not funny” you say worryingly

“It's not a joke. What am I qualified to do? Huh? I have…I have no job. I'm scared shitless to leave my apartment. I got so used to sleeping with the lights on that I'm freaked out by the dark. My probation officer, Robert Hill, is a fucking joke. Bobby fucking Hill is my probation officer.” you guys both laugh

“King of the hill?”

“King of sitting on his fat fucking ass eating Little Debbies, hoping to bust me for some stupid infraction.” abby sighs and looks down at the table

“You'd think that part of his job would be to protect his probbies, you know?...Nobody gives a shit about ex-cons.” abby said defeated

“What are you gonna do?”

Abby sighs and presses her lips together “i'm skipping town”

“You can't”

“I don't have a choice. These people know where I live. That's why I wanted to see you. When I go, I can't come back. I have to disappear.”

You feel a sting hit the back of your eyes and everything sounds muffled.

“You- you can't leave me.” you say desperately

“y/n, i'm in danger i have no choice”

“But i dont have anyone left…”

We stare at each other, wishing it didn't have to be this way.

“I'm sorry y/n. I'm sorry for all of it. I know my track record id shit…but I really do love you.”

“Yeah well, I hate you.”

“No, you don't.”

You look down at the table to hide your tears ``no… no i don't.”

“Visiting hours are over!” a guard yells and when you get up to leave you look at her one last time because you might never be able to again.

***************

For the rest of the day you worry for abby. She can't be serious right? Skipping town is not the best idea but is it the only way to keep her away from Kubo and his minions? You have an idea to keep Abby from danger but it involves calling your ex fiance who slept with your best friend. He could have slept with anyone but he chose your best friend. Asshole. But he owes you at least this favor to make up for it. You would've said you were even and let it go if he didnt sleep with your best friend.

“Hey y/n” Barry picks up the phone

“Hey are you alone right now?”

“No im with holly and you're on speaker phone” holly says hi

“Ugh great, I need a favour.”

“Depends on what it is”

“I need you to call abby's parole officer and tell him shes breaking her parole”

“Why would I do that?”

“I giving you a chance to fuck over someone you hate.”

There's silence on the other end

“Fine if you won't do it holly will you?”

“Sure whats the name of her parole officer”

“Robert Hill. He works for the DOC in Queens.”

You hang up the phone cause you really dont wanna be talking to them longer than you have to. At least the plan is in motion. It might seem a little selfish and you feel a tinge of guilt but with this plan at least you know she'll be safe. You can't let her skip town, start dealing again, or have Kubo find her. So you decide to be selfish. You wish it didn't come down to this. No one deserves to be in this cease pool, especially abby. You'll be taking this to your grave.

****************

You're working outside today setting up for a mothers day event and the sunshine feels good on your face. The closest to freedom you have.

“Your little girlfriend is back” ellie says to me teasing

“Wha- what do you mean?”

“Yeah I saw her walking to her bunk from the intake. She looks beat up”

“I-I gotta go see her!” you start to walk away

“Inmate, get back here! You can't leave during work!” a guard yells and I slowly walk back with my hands up in surrender.

“You'll see her around. It's not like she's going anywhere.” ellie said

*************

After work you go back to your bunk and see that the bed is finally occupied. Could this be Abby's stuff? That has to be a coincidence right? Many girls get processed through here everyday. What are the odds this is her stuff?

“We gotta stop meeting like this” a voice behind you says.

It's Abby. Fucking. Anderson.

#abby x reader #abby anderson #abby anderson fanfic #abby tlou #abby x y/n #abby x fem!reader #prison au #fanfic #orange is the new black au #fanfiction #abby fanfiction #tlou fic #abby the last of us #the last of us fanfiction #angst #part 2

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 2 months

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OKAY. SO. i'm going to be directly pulling from the wiki + ttrpg text & abridging some of it. here we go. little bowl of seeds for u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so. the circumstances leading up to the trigger event influence the power granted. half the state of mind, and half the scenario that they're in. taylor was in a situation where she was isolated, blind and powerless and felt like everyone was conspiring against her-- either directly (planning for fucking weeks to get her into the locker) or indirectly (ignoring her inside, not letting her out) etc. she triggered as a master, someone who can see everything and control so many things so exactly and specifically and she has something (her bugs) there for her, in some sort of fucked up companionship, in response to that. the overview is as follows!!

^this is the gist of it!!!!!! the ttrpg also goes into more in depth on many of these-- i won't send u 1 billion screenshots Now (spoilers in the gdocs u r Not allowed in there) but. here r a couple irt the nhw for flavor :}

also holy shit now i can be so so so fucking annoying about Why i gave the nhw the powers i did... i kind of got into it w/ the trigger events. but like. still..!!!!!!!!!!!

OHHHHHHHH MY GOD. HOLY SHIT. YEAH UR RIGHT I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT FROM THE WRONG ANGLE. OH MY GODDDD DUDE . THIS IS SO FUCKING TASTY. MY MIND IS GOING ABT A BILLION MILES AN HOUR RNNNN ohhhh god this got so long i gotta out it under a cut. im having so many thoughts dude

i would LOVE the essay about each of the nhw triggers btw. i can SEE your vision i can FEEL your vision. william feeling so fucking isolated in his hometown leading him to have master powers. his. idk weird relationship with ghosts/monsters/death coupled with his EXTREME near death experience manifesting in his breaker powers. UGHHH thats so good. TRUMP POWERS BEING CAUSED BY DIRECT INVOLVEMENT BY ANOTHER CAPE IN THE TRIGGER EVENT. VIRION WATCHING HIS DAD SLAUGHTER THEIR ENTIRE PARTY/FRIENDS/FAMILY. dakota being lost in the crowd after losing his parents, knowing something bad is happening but not knowing exactly what, catching glimpses of the fight and the blood and the horror but still not fully understanding, not knowing how or if he'll ever find his parents again and that manifesting in his thinker powers. also that zone/quick/farsight thing holy FUCK thats so failsafe. "loss of autonomy, being situationally restricted/overwhelmed" manifesting as sensing people in his immediate environment. "results from tunnel vision in views/character, incorrect perceptions" (can we say dakota damascus hero worship!) manifesting as powers that go beyond the usual senses (fear/pain sense!). i honestly think the Quick part would come more from his second trigger, which is what gives him the Mover powers right? "panic, frantic inability to solve problems, rushed errors" <- not being able to catch katori in time, making the split second decision to fall after her, manifesting as his mover/thinker powers. being able to make those split second decisions midair and Actually Accomplish them, but by the time he triggered they were already too close to the ground and he couldnt save her anyway (<< and theres the tragic irony)

ohhhh i didnt mean to go off so much about failsafe but that just gave me a lot of feelings about his triggers :( ANYWAY THINKING ABOUT ASHE NOW. GOD. OKAY. right now. how are we feeling about Shaker/Breaker. ok ok im having a lot of thoughts here bear with me. idk if u have a more clear trigger for him in mind but the thing ive been thinking about all day since u sent me that first ask is. the call going out to evacuate because simurgh is coming. ashe's mom has to go get him from school and its a mad rush with all of the other parents trying to do the same thing. instead of immediately leaving, they go back to the house for some reason (she forgot something important? maybe her phone so she had no way to contact mark/see if he was okay? idk i havent worked that out yet.) and shes just. running around frantically grabbing things getting ready to leave and ashe is standing in the doorway not knowing what to do or how to help. and its like an earthquake hits. (i just keep thinking about chris's death and how fucking. sudden and brutal it was it has stuck with me for some reason). something big or heavy falls on her and just . immediately crushes either one or both of her legs. totally unable to move. and ashe starts panicking and shes obviously panicking but trying so hard to keep it together not to scare ashe anymore than he already is. and she tells him to go, tells him to follow the other people who are leaving, maybe find one of their neighbors and go with them. (side note here. if she got her phone. i want her to text mark here and tell him to come home. something really short and terrifying and panic inducing that breaks him out of his hesitation. "need help, come home, cant leave" something like that. worlds most miserable man these are the last words he has of his wife aha) ashe doesnt want to leave his mom! hes just a kid he doesnt know what the endbringers are or why theyre so scary or why THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR is so bad!! she keeps telling him not to worry, that dad will meet him there when hes safe, ashe immediately asks something like "but what about you?" and its very. disney movie parent dying level of tragedy. he triggers when she eventually cant hold it together anymore either from the pain or the panic and just starts. screaming at him. ashe you need to go you cant stay here you need to leave me im not coming with you etc etc etc.

ANYWAY. ALL THIS TO SAY. shaker powers come from environmental/ambient danger. i.e. a literal endbringer attack. maybe the house isnt structurally sound anymore but he doesnt want to leave his mom. breaker powers come from . well this is more of me maybe forcing the issue but i want the trickster to be a separate form or something. the abstract stressors here being. he knows something bad is happening but he doesnt know exactly what. he knows his mom cant move but he wants her to be able to so she can leave with him, shes yelling at him telling him to go, he doesnt know where his dad is, he doesnt want to go by himself. etc etc do you feel the vision here. taking this directly from that last paragraph about breakers too but like "knowing a situation is dangerous but not wanting to leave" yknow!!!!! i dont know exactly how this would manifest yet but goddd just. imagining it as something like. his shaker powers are the ones he can actually control and use normally but the trickster/breaker powers is what he turns into in situations similar to his trigger, where someone he loves is in danger. but the irony of it is that he cant really control his actions as the trickster and he just kind of. goes berserk on whatever is around him. absolutely brutal, maybe a little sadistic; its kind of perfect for situations like overlord where they do actually need to kill someone to get out of the situation, but with things like his trigger. well. the only living thing around him was his mom. so . wasnt pretty. is this anything . im in so much pain about this

final FINAL side note. i know we have mark as a cauldron cape but even if we didnt i think both his classifications working so fucking well ESPECIALLY tinker "solutionless problems over long periods, resulting in a crisis moment" what is more of a solutionless problme than knowing you and your son have been marked by the simurgh and deciding that instead of following protocol youre going to say fuck it all and get the two of you out of there by. nuking your entire lives and faking new identities and struggling to bounce back from somehting like that all while knowing the inevitability of. the fact that youve BEEN MARKED BY THE FUCKING SIMURGH. (also striker "results from an immediate threat, usually a single object or individual" hello? coming home to find your son in some demonic berserk state and your wife a bloody mess on the floor all while theres this overbearing scream/singing in your head ??? okayyyyy)

#GOD. THIS IS SO MUCH. TO BE FAIR I DID WARN YOU I WOULD BE SO INSUFFERABLE ABOUT NHW WINTERS FAMILY WHEN I GOT TO LEARN ABOUT THEM.#I DID WARN YOU. HI. I LOVE THEM. IM THINKING ABOUT THM SO MUCH literally all but one of my FOUR current wip fics involve either ashe or mar #i love them so much. guck #new haven wards #hiiiiii ros. hi. ohhhh my god. oh my god. oh hhhh my god dude. okay enough of this im going back to reading about noelle FUCKING FINALLY #YIPPPE #asks #friends!!!#wormposting #intertexts #also side note not important but you DID ask me the other day what i think my powers would be in worm. i AM still going to say #changer because ayyyyy transgenderisms and appearance issues for Basically My Whole Life #BUT IM SO MAD . I WOULD PROBABLY ALSO BE A MASTER. THE ONE THAT SCARES ME THE MOST. GOD DAMN IT.#I MEAN MASTERS ARE REALLY COOL BUT IM A GUY WHO HAS WEIRD RELATIONSHIPS WITH PUPPET IMAGERY. AND THE MOST TRAUMATIC MOMENT OF MY LIFE HAS A #LOT TO DO WITH BETRAYAL AND ISOLATION AND ALIENATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#<< this is slash silly btw i fucking love thinking abt stuff like this because im an insane person

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lilmissnatcat24 · 1 year

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📓

m'love, thank you so much for this.

so basically it's a heist fic, post me1. (slight canon divergence because i know technically garrus and wrex weren't on the normandy when the collector ship attacked) but it flips back and forth between the moments before and during the collector attack and the past 2 weeks, where shepard and her crew have no memory.

they have no memory because!!! they were contacted by a woman named jack of diamonds (super cool and super eyepatch and super hot, in that order... also she's named jack of diamonds after my favorite campfire song from red dead 2 and this is like a little bit of a crossover inspiration fic) to steal this prothean device from a space station that could be used as a super weapon because it uses the same technology that sovereign used to turn humans into husks. this woman works for cerberus but shep is like?? ok with that?? (tbf she doesn't really know what cerberus is just yet so she's just like huh okay i guess i'll do it, also she has no reason to believe that cerberus would make a husk army becasue THAT lil chestnut doesnt happen for like 3 years) but the only way she'll let shep do it is if she and her crew implant a memory chip to their omnitools that will wipe their memory completely afterwards (this is the one thing i don't have worked out yet like maybe she has something on shep like she's blackmailing her for something??? yeah this is shaky tbd)

so shep and co have to steal this device. fullblown heist at some swanky party a la the capitol scene from catching fire. WREX IS HEISTING. GARRUS IS HEISTING. LIARA IS HEISTING. ashley and tali are like bffs (and maybe b plot they fuck? tbd) and of COURSE shakarian because how can i not. but sheppy is still a lil upset cuz kaidan is dead and she's had feelings for garrus but is afraid to do anything becasue she doesn't want to see another person she cares about killed but garrus is like huh i literally don't care if i live or die i want to tap that so desperately and also i love you. but of course he's a nerd so he can never just say that. cue hilarity and pining and fluff.

so they klep the device for jack of diamonds and drop it off and shes like hey thanks!!!! ily shep!!!!! except shep is super suspicious and is like hmmm this is weird. this jack lady is weird. we need to STEAL IT BACK because apparently she was going to target a colony with it and turn a bunch of innocent people into husks so that cerberus could study them (again this is a detail that has not been ironed out yet sorry if it sounds a lil sus just now)

and of course before this suicide run there's the steamiest and fluffiest sex scene known to man. you know what im like. they get into this big fight and shes like garry youre a COWARD you only tell me you have a thing for me when we know this memory chip is going to wipe our memories??? garrus tries to kiss shep and shes like NO PLEASE I CANT CARE ABOUT YOU and then exactly 2 seconds later shes like actually? lets fuck

so they steal the device back. they know their memories are going to be erased so they just kindve? dont care if they do something atrocious? because they wont remember? and i get so wet thinking about morally ambiguous shepard who is like super renegade (or at least paragade)??? anyways jack of diamonds is like hey you shouldnt trust cerberus this was their plan all along and shep is like literally i do not care bang bang bang ur dead xoxo

so yeah the plot is still a lil iffy. BUT I HAVE THE END ALL PLANNED OUT AND IM SUPER PROUD OF IT. that it's NOT some prothean device, it was tim doing his lil illusive thing. it was his plan to get shepard killed so that he could test out the tech used to revive her, and the device is actually a honing beacon for the collectors (because i literally never understood how the collectors found the normandy in the first place they had their stealth cores up and its never explained how theyre found and it's a plothole that PISSES ME OFF so this fic is literally made out of spite to explain it)

so yeah shep and co wake up after not knowing what happened, that lil love confession between shep and garrus doesnt happen, and shepard dies. so its sad? but not because then me2 happens and everyone is reunited and shakarian still happens yayayayya

so yeah typing it out like this also tells me i need to steam out the details a little bit more but i want to write this so badly and turn left is taking all of my energy so i think im going to try to double fist these two fics and see if i pop our sane.

anyways thank you!!!!!

#mass effect fanfiction #shakarian #shepard x garrus #ao3 fanfic

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raspberrysmoon · 5 months

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ummm please say more about the wilbur/john/xander fic right now <3 theyre my favourite guys ever and we need so much more content for them (i say as I write yet another fic not about them)

YIPPEEE YEAHHHHH LETS GOO!!!!! ok this got LONG so its all under the cut. uhm. i hope this tickles your fancy :3

i have SOOOO many thoughts abt these three tbh,,,, i had a thought last night of what it would be like if john and wilbur were engaged when wilbur. uhm. "died". but like 20 years later john's found xander and to hell with it if he can love them both. one is dead, itll be fine

except, wilburs not actually dead. he falls out of a portal and hes normal again and holy shit what does john do now. like thats still technically his fiance (and first love but shh) but his husband is Right The Fuck There

but it wnds up pretty okay. john makes sure wilbur really is okay and normal (hes as normal as he can be after being in the black for that long) and introduces them and it goes great

wilbur backs off of his own accord even though it absolutely destroys him to do so and gives both john and xander (mostly john) the shovel talk ("i swear to god- and ive met god- if you hurt him ill be one to get your ass and send it to hell" type shit)

but. where is this legally dead man going to live. aside from john, there arent many people who jnow him still alive (and ghats not to count the amount still working with peip) (there are two still working with peip. john and colonel schaffer)

so wilbur camps out on john and xanders couch until they figure out what to do from there

but wilbur is Old and Weak and hes honestly provably pretty close to (if not) disabled from the sheer amount his body has gone through and the couch is definitely making it worse. and xander being trained in medicine (though not practicing) steps in and is like "ok i know its going to be weird as hell but you have GOT to get in a bed. ours or not i dont give a shit" but they dont haev the space for another bed and honestly wilbur's been struggling to sleep alone anyway

so they end up dragging his ass into their bed and its like. the best sleep of his life. and he wakes up in the fetal position (normal) between john and xander (not where he fell asleep) and theyre both kind of holding onto him (what the fuck ?)

and he freaks a bit. bc thats his ex (?) fiance and his new husband. he cannot get between them like this are you kidding??

so he goes and sits on the couch but its really cold and he hates it (flashback sequence??) but he forces himself to not care and like. puts a show on or smth until xander wakes up and comes out like "why did you leave i was comfortable" and hes like "im already intruding a lot i felt bed" and xanders like "youre literally not but ok. do you like pancakes" and thats that (the answer is yes, blueberry ones)

and like a month later finally wilbur is cleared to get to work on mapping and explaining the black and white, and the lords in black, so he throws himself into that. 9/10 times he falls asleep at his desk or on the couch again and john and xander are both a little sad but theyte quiet abt theyre big boys theyre handling this great (<- lying)

and xander snaps after like. three weeks of wilbur destroying himself for the sake of explaining the shit he'd seen and he goes and demands that wilbur comes to bed one night and it goes a little something like this

"wil, come to bed"

"i have work to do"

"i dont give a shit, im shutting your laptop in ten seconds"

"no, i have shit to do. go cuddle with your husband" (< said bitterly)

"why are you being a bitch about this. we miss you" (< terrified this is wilbur shutting him down rn, but totally genuine)

"wtfdym you miss me. your husband is in there. you realize im your husbands ex right." (< getting increasingly upset)

"yeah. i mean. it doesnt really feel like you are ahymore, but if you want to call it that sure. but we miss you." (< catching on slowly. not fast enough)

"what" (< officially confused)

"have you not. noticed how much we're both kind of totally in love with you. really" (< losing his fuckingn mind)

"xander what the fuck are you talking about. what" (< also losing his fucking mind)

and then its a monologue about how john never stopped loving him and xander knew that if wilbur ever came back john would probably (definitely) go back to him in SOME capacity and he never minded. and then that happened and xander found himself doting on both of them and kind of maybe definitely falling really in love with wilbur and he can say not but. you get the point

by this point john is also here standing in the doorway (exhausted) (his fingers are crossed) and wilburs just stunned into silence for a while

and then he shuts his laptop and stands up and takes xanders (outstretched) hand and lets them take him to bed in silence and its. its his way of saying yes okay? its his way of telling them that he gets it, that he's done the same and that he loves them too

and they fall asleep together with wilbur in the middle. and its perfect

#this got so out of hand #whoops #wilbur/john/xander #raspberry writes #hatchetfield #alice answers asks !!#not even sure when i fleshed it out this much #last noght it was. 'lol what if they fell in love post b&w'

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diedandwenttobobevans · 1 month

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8/14/2024 - 5:49 AM

oof

hello

long time no journal? Its been a few weeks. Lets see

I've been meaning to get back into it. I really want to make this a habit. (Daily? Weekly?) I actually started googling some diffrent journaling formats that might make it easier? I'll continue to do research. I feel like "stream of concious" writing for journaling is still good. Its good to get all this shit out of me brains. I think sitting down and concentrating on my thoughts is also good self reflection. Maybe. I don't know.

So still need a new therapist, tbh haven't really looked into it as I've been focusing on streaming. Had a really good birthday stream that genuinly revitalized my drive to stream. It was so touching to have a card signed by chat and tons of birthday wishes and presents. I just took 5 minutes to stop what I was doing because I realized I say "Like" too much and went down a short rabbithole of the word.

So one of the issues probbably for me with journaling is it should be something I do in them morning but these past few times I leave it for the evening to empty out my head and then find myself getting sleepy.

So before I head to bed to get a few hours of rest, lets catch up. I haven't heard back from the girl I hung out with, and I sent her a link text message but I tihnk I'll send a regular message later today. I'm really hesitant cause she didnt respond to the first message. But also maybe she didnt see it? Maybe it was too stupid, it was a webcomic about bisexuality. I was a little wine drunk. She did mention going to hang outs so maybe thats my in? oooff girls pretty and intimidating uuuuughhhh

Still feeling all over the place when it come to sleep. I desire to sleep at a reasonable time and be productive during the day and not sleep in weird shifts.

Why does doing any task what so ever make me so fucking tired wtf

UUUUhhhhh before i go crash, I want to try to do maybe a morning jounral dn evening journal, evening for what I did and morning for some affiramations and trying to fix my headspace to be more positive. Still have major self esteem issues. Also I need to start worning out, found my sports bras so I can atleast start running. I feel like I have fat phobia and body issues and I worry I have been binge eating recently, especially when high. Excercise will prob help with the sleep and moodswing stuff.

OK Im tapped out, theres so much more I want to word vomit but I got to crash.

SO personal upcoming goals then:

Morning Affirmations - Optimism training

Evening thought dump journals

collage art still want to do but not tonight. this morning? not this time

Listening: JAZZ CABBAGE - GURT

Reading: Yuria's Red String (God this is such a sad but good read. About a japanese woman in her 50's whose husband has a terrible accident that leaves him unconcious and she discovers about the secrets lives hes been leading this entire time. Reminds me of the tiktoks about women who regret their marriages cause of all the expecancies of being a wife and takeing care of the household while men continue to be shit)

#journal #trauma dump #disaster gays #dear diary #personal

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frogletscribe · 2 months

Text

Personal vent under the cut, feel free to ignore

Kinda going insane being the mediator of my extended family rn.

My mom and cousin got into a huge fight last year (my mom is in the wrong imo for refusing to be even a little sympathetic to my cousin, and like i see her side but there is no reason for her to have been so agro with my cousin). My mom insists that my cousin needs to apologize to her when really she should be the one apologizing and its put a massive strain on literally everyone in the family that's involved but especially me bc i am now the ONLY person in the family that my cousin keeps in contact actively with besides her brother (but even hes :/ to begin with).

And its exhausting bc i'm trying to spend time with her without making it weird and awkward and this week is the one week where my parents are out of town so its like! great! we can grab lunch and catch up!

I thought my week was clear to do exactly that and id have all the time in the world but then work decided to club me over the head (at least im making money) and social shit and jkdsghjkdflkghsdk

and then my aunt is here now and shes still on ok terms with my cousin but idk maybe its weird???? and i thought i was more prepared but i feel like im getting dragged in 10 dif directions. And my brother is ZERO help ever like hes just been driving me insane all week, like bro you are 22 why are you still acting like youre 16 🙄🙄🙄

Im just frustrated, and my mom was already being weird that i was texting my cousin to plan things last week. I cant tell if shes still salty that my cousin hasnt apologized or that she feels guilty for alienating her IDK. But my parents get home tomorrow night and I managed to plan dinner at my house for tonight so no weird overlap and no one is trapped here jadfklsjgjdklh

All i know is that 3 years in a row now, July has been the worst month of my life and the only saving grace is having ArtFight to distract me.

#froglet rambles #venting #family junk #im tired

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empiresblrmybeloved · 2 months

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One day left.

So uh, bit of a long read but if your willing, click read more.

Dear Future Z,

How's life been treating you so far? Did our family ever accept us? I hope so, how's the vtubing going, is it going at all? Do you have an OK sleep schedule? How's the drinking coming along, have you sobered up a bit? I hope your doing well by now, are you gonna go to college? What are you planning to study now? How about your freinds? Are.you still in touch with Starshell, Icarus, and Fallen Stars? What about Ray? Or Draven and Sam? How was Halloween? How do you identify now? Did Carlos ever get you that gc2b binder he said he'd get? Did you graduate? Sorry! Alot of questions, but im curious, and excited, oh! I should tell you about myself!

Our family doesn't accept us, but the number 333 has been popping up alot, like it has since we realized we were trans! The number means to take a bold leap forward. I think moving out is gonna be our bold leap! Vtubing, it's starting, streaming to freinds for now, but im excited for the future! I.. it's almost 11pm when I'm writing this, I have no sleep schedule! The drinking is uh. Not the best, I learned from our dad, but I don't drink as much as I did when I was 16! Can't even finish a whole Beast Unleashed can anymore! Getting high asf though. MAN it is weird to DM while high, it's fun though! I think I'm gonna go to college, I wanna study therapy and music production! Right now, I am in touch with all of them! I don't talk with them much now cause of school, but I'm gonna try and chat them up more! Rays gonna be my DM, Draven is in my poly, actually considering from breaking off from him,, I don't know, our feelings have been a mess, sam,, eeeh, we exchange trans tips and witchy tips every so often! I do numerology readings. I've called people out with UNO cards. Halloween!!! Our mom is letting us celebrate, albeit, she's making us go as a hufflepuff, but the fact is, she's letting us celebrate. This is gonna be our first Halloween!!!! Still a trans pansexual! I'm gonna bug Carlos abt the binder tommorow, promise! And I don't know if I will, I got alot of catching up to do..

Listen, if things have gone to shit, and we did something stupid.. I just hope things are better now, but, in gonna hold out hope- my goal is to get 2 months clean, dod we ever reach that goal? I hope so..

I hope your happier now.

Sincerely, Past Z, September 12, 11:01pm.

[And, the response..]

Dear, Everyone...Life isn't doing the best. But I'm trying, that counts for something I'm sure. Our family didn't accept us. It's dangerous here, but we're getting out, we have too. Our sleep schedule, uh. Non existent, sorry about that. I don't drink anymore, I use weed! :> college isnt actually needed! Im becoming a tax preparer and that doesnt need college! Still in touch with icarus and starshell, havent talked to sam in a while, Rays been close, pur Taurtis fictive is going on a date with their sam on the 5th! Draven can rot in fucking hell, bastard. We didn't do Halloween, we do have a binder though! Gc2b and it's RAINBOW! And– we fucking did it. We graduated. I didn't think we would. None of us did..Our family hasnt changed, but weve been seeing 333, 222, and 555 arpund alot. Positive changes. I hope I'm making the right decision moving out, its scary... we had to stop tubing cause our pc fucking DIED its almost tomorrow when writing this and i am wide awake, i still dont have a sleep schedule. I don't drink, I get high, it's good, I've learned to hide it– I haven't DMd since icarus and Jon came over last year, but yeah, existing while being high is nice. Helps, alot. Veil is with Ray, and Creed is poly with Ray and icarus! We ditched Draven. He was a red flag. Havent dont numerology in a while.. she LIED. She didn't let us celebrate she keeps lying it's horrible. Still a trans pansexual though!...I haven't reached two months, but I did reach a month clean. We were almost two months! Had a week left but, our brother starting saying stupid shit....We don't like this house. They claim their Cristian and forget about love thy neighbor, they'd choose the bear but they don't know that the body's brother is the man we all want to avoid. We dont want to be here any longer. Dad's getting mad because we've been counting down the days till we're 18, moms encouraging us to eat less. Our brother. I don't want to talk about him. It got worse. He did it.... I'll get better once I'm out, I'm sure of it.Sincerely, Future Xander.

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ocean-anchored · 4 months

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Dear future self... May 27, 24

I feel like a broken record just saying the same thing every time that I've meant to sit down and write but there's just been so much going on & I've been mentally exhausted so I haven't felt like wanting to write. Let's recap the last like 3.5 weeks first: May 3rd weekend I was out at Colesons. May 5 we were supposed to have a date day & went for lunch at BPs but didn't get to do anything else as he had to work which was ok, I think I went for a tractor ride. May 6 came back home May 7 Went for sushi with Amber & Naythan, then back to their house for some board games May 9 went to Color me mine with Sasha which was nice to catch up May 10 went to Ambers, was over before she was home so I hung with Naythan while he cooked dinner. Amber had seemed a bit off but we watched the oilers game mostly, we sat & chatted for a while but it was a bit off, I think she was just tired but if Im being honest it was the first time that I felt like it was a bit more forced. That night on my way home I realized the northern lights were unreal and they were, so I drove to Edworthy dog park with nova & we watched for a while, had a call with Coleson. May 11 was Mothers day celebration which ended up going well, told meliss about coleson which was nice finally, we went to edworthy dog park and a few hours. then went to Kambers house to catch up. May 12 went to church and then drove out to stay with Coleson. Went for food for mothers day with his fam & watched the oilers game. That whole week was just busy between work & visiting. On the tuesday I had gone to Coledale to watch Ari's game but it got cancelled. Thursday was thunder storming but had a tractor ride with Coleson. May 18th the Friday I think I was feeling off again, just worried about the usual stuff. we went to visit his friend & his wife from Fort Mac who were in town which was pretty nice, they were sweet but yea still felt off that night. The next morning I thought I could sleep it off but I didn't & woke up grumpy again. While we were making breakfast I shared my overthinking again which Coleson took really well, I was feeling disconnected from friends again so that played into it. We drove into Lethbridge for a date day, on the drive he had asked if I thought I could move out there which sparked a good conversation. We went for mini golf and D dessert spot cafe & then went home to watch the oilers game together. Definitely felt better afterwards which is good. Sunday night I went back home. May 20th went for dinner with melissa & Johan which was good, interesting. May 21st went to cold garden with Shruti & Sasha & Cassie which was alright, just kinda feel weird with them sometimes, I feel like its a bit harder to keep conversation with them. May 23 afternoon picked up Ed and went to edmonton till friday night. Was super exhausted from that. Overall was good, visited Elaine who we might do some cool christian work with, met a FAC founder. Good conversation with Ed but it sparked some questions. When I got home I talked with Coleson & thats when I wrote the post before this about feeling like maybe he wasnt super invested in meeting/spending time with my family & I wanted to feel more important than yard work etc which we ended up having a talk saturday morning after my massage, I shared how I was feeling about it & just anxieties about the summer & spending enough time together & that golf felt like it was taking more priority & I was trying to be realistic with expectations etc. I was really worried how he took it, I was scared after the next calls that he was processing it but still sounded sad & I felt like I really ruined things a bit, but he called at 3:30 that he was going to get ready to come in to meet meliss which showed a lot. May 25th he came in and we had dinner with Meliss which I think was good. May 26th we took it easy, went for a walk, picked up a game & went to steven & amandas which was great to celebrate her birthday, mom joined for dinner & games. Then we went to Activate which was super fun.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #monthly update

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qualityempathshoebear · 2 years

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2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3

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crisishauntline · 2 years

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I’m so fucking sad. I really wanted to see her. I’m still sort of and entirely glad I did, and sort of and entirely like my heart tore its way out of my body and now I’m wearing it like a fucking albatross.

We talked for an hour or so, just catching up, before we got to the Big Talk. She was so painfully beautiful. Her long hair swept over her shoulder, her eye makeup as sharp-winged and luminous as always—I think her eyeshadow was a dark pink. I wish I could remember more precisely, or that I'd taken a picture somehow. Of course, taking a picture of her would have been weird as fuck in these circumstances.

I asked her as many things as I could think of, about family and work and friends and hobbies. I asked about her dancing, about all the space news from the past 6 months that I've wanted to get her take on, about how she's sleeping. She had fascinating answers. Her grandma has pancreatitis but otherwise her family/home life is ok. She told me that she's trying to move out next year, which made me hopeful for her. Her hours were cut significantly at the planetarium, so she's going to start working with her old teacher/boss again at the school in January as a part-time physics tutor. She's exercising and dancing a lot, especially this one style that's newer to her, Guerrero. She learned a danced where you balance a lit candle on your head. She's also been getting into photography lately, and has lots of ideas for paintings. I really wish I could see any and all of it.

She didn’t ask me a question until I prompted her. “Is there anything you want to know about me?”

“Everything,” she replied, and I believe she meant it. But I still felt that familiar twinge of disappointment and frustration. I don’t know where to start with a question like that—it’s honestly still not even a question.

She wishes I had allowed her to carry more of my struggles when we were together, and I acknowledge I could have communicated them better. But it’s hard for me to do that without being asked. I have overshared and regretted it too many times. And I just wish there was a way for me to know that she’s not just supportive and in love with me but also genuinely and specifically curious about me. I don’t want a sympathetic bystander, I don’t want a witness, I don’t even really want an admirer—I want an active partner who wants to learn with and from me, in the same way I want to with them. I also think I need to know I am interesting to someone in order to feel loved by them. Probably related to my larger need to be remarkable or “special” in some way in order to be worthy of all the love and resources I have received, and therefore be someone who deserves to live. And because curiosity is one of my strongest ideals, being “special” means being worthy of curiosity.

If I have been vulnerable and truly myself with someone, it hurts when they don’t have at least a few follow-up questions about an interest, a memory, an idea, or an area of expertise I’ve shared. I either don’t feel seen, or, if im in a more depressed headspace, I feel like there must not be anything to see in me.

After I prompted her (though I didn't say anything in the previous two paragraphs), she asked me all the questions I’d asked her, about the well-being of family members and pets, about work, about holiday plans and hobbies. I told her I'm getting a pedal harp soon. And then when the waiter started taking the chairs inside to close the restaurant, she asked where I thought we were going, or what I hoped we could be.

I told her that mentally speaking, I am a couple steps up from the bottom of a bottomless well. I didn’t get deep into the specifics of my self-harm or SI but told her I’d had suicidal thoughts as recently as last week, and I don’t think that’s a good place to be when entering any relationship, let alone reentering this one. But I miss her so very much, I told her, so I hope we can be friends.

She said she couldn’t just be friends with me, unless there was some understanding we were moving towards dating down the line. She offered in a couple different ways that we could "hang out/make out and not call it anything," but that she couldn't do that if there was no chance of getting back together. I said I understand, and acknowledged that I do see a chance for us to get back together—that I in fact have a desire for that too, and that I still love her and want her in that way—but that I couldn’t see a fair way to hold space for that expectation given how much I doubt that I will ever grow or learn how to love or know what I want or be the person she deserves to have as a partner.

At one point she asked me, playfully serious, “What do you want, woman?”

“I want to be a different person,” I said.

We each talked about why we feel how we feel, and I think we both understand well enough at this point. Not much has changed since we talked in August. We’ve both been working hard to strengthen ourselves and our friendships, but it seems to be paying off only for her. Neither of us wants to be apart or knows how the fuck to stay in each other’s lives.

That’s essentially how we left it, with the vague agreement to check in after the holidays. When I got home an hour later I sent her the song “Little Wind” by Haley Hendrickx, which kept coming to mind. She called me and we talked for another hour. She wants to be part of me becoming/being ok, and feels like she’s grown in ways that she could share with me. And she quoted this Joanna Newsom lyric, “Time is taller than space is wide.” There was a whole explanation she gave along with it, but now I remember nothing. Fuck.

Anyway, I floated the idea of doing couples counseling if we decide to give it a go in the future, and she thought that was a great idea. I also asked if we were to start hanging out and "not call it anything," would that mean she would stop trying to find someone better? Because I don't want her to stop trying.

It's also not just about her finding someone better. I also still wonder if there is someone better (suited) for me out there too. If I am meant to be with anyone—and maybe I'm just not—what if I can only really handle being with someone who isn't also mentally ill? Maybe this love I have with L, no matter how true or powerful, simply isn't big enough to hold us both.

Whatever happens to me, she knows I love and believe in her always. She knows I will always be with her in one way or another. I wish I could have said it in my own words, but I didn't want to worry her. She'll hear it in the song at least. If not now, then certainly after I'm gone.

I might go to town and drink myself away Find a singing bird and try to step inside her cage I might go to waste, and I might be a coward Little wind, I’m with you in the roadside flowers I wish that I had stayed in that river house with you Pulled away the weeds and let wild roses bloom But all the hanging plums one day will go sour Little wind, I’m with you in the roadside flowers

#love life #breakup #personal #depression #mental illness #Spotify

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millenialfanfictionaddiction · 2 years

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🐺 Being MSBY's Manager 🐺

Being Atsumu's Crush and Pregnant

Atsumu Miya with/MSBY x Female Pregnant Manager

Warnings: reader is pregnant, swearing, angst to fluff, toxic behavior from YN (drinking to cope, unsafe sex), description of birth (dramatized for funsies)

AN: This was a suggestion from kitty 😺 anon!!! Its based off my MSBY Group Chat, Team Disappointment!

🦋 please like, comment and share to support my art 🦋

Ok I'm wasting zero time getting into this one

Because it's about to be LONG

We have 9 whole months to cover people 👏🏻

At this point, just consider it a short story in bullet point format 🤣

Enter Miss YN LN, manager of the division 1 team the MSBY Black Jackels 🙌🏻

I love that for you 🥰

You are so loved and adored by all your boys and they support you so much 🥺

However there's one team member that you have an extra special relationship with

One, Atsumu Miya ❤️

I know, shocking right?

But there's always been something about Atsumu

You two just get along really well

He teases you, you throw a volleyball at him 🥰

We love a strong relationship

It wasn't long before you developed a crush on Atsumu

But you learned quickly that Atsumu didn't feel the same way about you 😕

Or at least you thought 🙃

Sakusa was the first to notice your infatuation with Atsumu

He's amazing about observing and noticed how your eyes lingered on our favorite setter

Sorry Oikawa 😶

But you are too nervous to say anything

You go a while thinking you might have a chance with Atsumu

Until you overhear him talking with Bokuto and Hinata

"YN is a real catch right? Any guy would be lucky to date her!"- Bokuto, our hype king

"Yeah I guess. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like YN but she's just not my type"- Atsumu 🤡

It's a hard pill to swallow 😔

Hearing that is a total bruise to your ego

The tears start to well as you turn around to leave, seeing Sakusa standing right behind you

Great now your all embarrashed 😫

"YN are you ok?"- Sakusa, concerned

You smile "Yeah I'm good. I just- I gotta go clean up"- you quickly making your exit past Sakusa and the rest of the team

"What was that about?"- Meian, looking at Sakusa

Sakusa narrows his eyes and turns to leave

It's not his business to share and he doesn't want to say anything

However, what you don't know is that Atsumu is full of CRAP 💩

This man is in such denial that the girl who has become his best friend is also perfect for him

Fucking clown behavior istg 🙄

Atsumu is having such conflicted feelings for you and he has no idea what to do

He's never had turmoil like this before people 👏🏻

Unfortunately for him, things start heading south

You start to pull away from him at practice and he has no idea why

You still talk with him but its not the same

"Hey YN, you wanna hang out this weekend?"- Atsumu

"I'm sorry Sumu, I can't! Im going out with friends but thanks"- You, running back to practice

Atsumu is confused because you always made time for him

However what Atsumu doesn't know is that his "rejection" of you caused a downward spiral

Every weekend you've been going out, dancing with friends and drinking excessively

When you'd drink, the pain of your one-sided attraction to Atsumu went away

You were the center of many guys affections and ended up going home with several of them

Atsumu began to talk with you less and less, noticing you pulling away

Sakusa and the team watched as you two, once good friends became practical strangers

"Anyone feel weird when Atsumu and YN are on the court together?"- Inunaki

"Yeah, it's like being in the room with two divorced parents"- Thomas adds

Sakusa knows exactly what's happening and he wrestles with telling the truth or letting it go

Ultimately he sides with keeping it quiet

Please he still feels like it's nOnE oF hIs BuSiNeSs

A few weeks pass and tournament season kicks into gear

You've been forced to settle down with your wild nights because of your new rigorous schedule

Not to mention how tired you've been

Your body seems more worn down than usual and you figured you were just getting sick from all the extra practices

One morning you woke up, and your breasts were extremely sore

Like tender to the touch sore

"Geez ouch- I can't even wear my normal bra"- you say to yourself as you slowly dress

You honestly didn't pay any mind to the soreness, figuring you pulled a muscle in your chest for the previous practice

So you pop a few Tylenol and head to the gym

You enter the office as Meian and Barnes are sitting and talking

"Hey YN"- they say as a sudden wave of nausea hits you

Your eyes widen as the smell of coffee hits you and you sprint from the office to the bathroom, throwing up

Barnes and Meian take after you quickly

"Jesus YN are you ok?"- Barnes says knocking on the bathroom door

"Yeah YN, what the hell? You sick? Why are you here!?"- Meian

"YN's sick! "- Bokuto 😱

"Stay away from me YN. It's still flu season"- Sakusa

Please they are all so supportive 🤣

"I'm not sick! I don't know what came over me"- you say as you stand up, flushing the toilet and going to the sink

You wash your hands and begin to process what's been going on

Your exhausted, your breasts ache and you got sick off the smell of coffee?

How strange 🙃

Well it's a good thing there is a well placed tampon/pad machine right by the door to the bathroom to remind you of one teeny tiny thing

Your face pales as you look at the machine, mentally trying to calculate when your last cycle was

You feel sick and hot as you splash water on your face and try to figure out what to do

Good thing you have the most supportive team 😍

"YN ARE YOU FEELING BETTER YET? ATSUMU ISNT HELPING ME WITH MY SPIKING DRILLS AND I NEED YOU!"- Hinata crying through the door

"HINATA LEAVE YN ALONE!"- Meian screaming

Please you need to be alone and think about this

Probably after you buy a test 😅

You figure your best bet is to attend morning practice and run to the store on your lunch break while the guys head home to rest

"I'm coming"- you say, trying to shove all thoughts of being pregnant out of your mind

The morning drags on as lunch finally hits

The guys leave and you run to the nearest pharmacy, quickly running 🏃‍♀️ back to the bathroom of the gym

You read the instructions, as you mentally thank yourself for consuming extra water during practice

You pee on the stick and wait

Now, having taken multiple pregnancy tests in my life, I can say that 3-5 minite wait is arguably the scariest wait of someone's life 😅

It's a life changing thing YN!

You pace as you await the results, trying not to freak out

"Ok ok YN calm down! You don't even know if you're pregnant or not. This could all just be a giant fever dream. Or maybe your period is just really really late! Yeah that happens all the time"- you trying to talk yourself down from the cliff 😅

The timer on your phone goes off as you slowly approach the test...

You peer over, seeing a giant "Pregnant" on the screen

Your body gives out as you fall to the floor and sit there is shock

Ok but me when I first found out I was pregnant with my son 😆

Luckily or unluckily there seems to be a team member who hasn't yet left for home 🙃

Atsumu is walking by the girls locker room when he hears something fall

He stops, listens and knocks, slowly opening the door to make sure no one is in need to help

By this point, you're full on sobbing

He opens the door, seeing you on the floor, eyes wide and tears streaming down your face

"Yn! Omg are you ok?? What happened?"- Atsumu now running to you, falling besides you as he check you over

"Atsumu-" you say crying

Atsumu looks at your hand, seeing the test there

He picks it up, seeing the "pregnant" that brought you to your knees

"Where did you get this yn? Geez I knew you were an empath but YN this is a bit too far don't you think?"- Atsumu

Like I said 👉🏻 🤡

You 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁 Atsumu it's mine...

It takes him a few seconds to process

Man goes through the 5 stages of grief

"No no- it- it cant"- Atsumu, in full denial

"Atsumu I'm pregnant"- you say, crying

"How YN??"- Atsumu

You 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁 seriously...

"I know how YN but like HOW"- Atsumu

"I- I don't know! I thought I was being careful"- you, embarrassed now

"Jesus YN, is this why you've been pulling away from me?"- Atsumu says sitting next to you

Your head snaps to him

He noticed you'd been pulling away?

As much as you want to tell him, you feel like it will only add more to an already complicated situation

So you decide to keep quiet

"Yeah I- I didn't want to bother you"- you

"YN you're not a bother. Please I want to help" Atsumu says

"I don't want your pity Atsumu"- you say as you wipe your tears

"Shut up YN! It's not pity! You're my best friend and I care alot about you!"- Atsumu

You just stare at him, still crying

"Ok let's just think about this YN. Do you know what you want to do??"- Atsumu, jumping into adulting mode

"I think I should call the doctor"- you, wiping your tears

"Ok let's do it now"- Atsumu standing up

"Now- but Atsumu"- you

"No buts YN let's get going"- Atsumu says pulling out his phone and dialing

Please, assertive men 🥵

You just stand there as Atsumu talks to the receptionist

Atsumu tells the receptionist your birthday and name

"Yn they have an opening tomorrow afternoon is that good?"- Atsumu, putting his hand over the speaker

You 👉🏻👁👄👁 yeah-

Honestly shocked by Atsumu assertiveness and protectiveness

"We will take it! See you tomorrow"- Atsumu, hanging up

"Atsumu what are you doing?"- You

"If you think Im letting you do this alone YN, you're wrong"- Atsumu

Your heart swells as Atsumu smiles at you, hugging you tightly

He hasn't let the full situation sink in yet but don't worry, it will happen soon enough 🙃

You manager to get through afternoon practice and the next morning practice before you head to your appointment

Except you don't head there alone

Oh no no

Atsumu is right by your side

"Atsumu you don't have to-" you say, as Atsumu opens the door for you

"YN- enough! I told you I'm here for you"- Atsumu, grabbing your hand and pulling you into the clinic

In the clinic, Atsumu acts like a nervous father 😅

Honestly we love him for that

"Atsumu chill out, I'm the pregnant one"- You

"I know- I know but like I'm worried"- Atsumu pacing as the doctor comes in the checks you over

You get an ultrasound to check for due dates

And now, for moms educational time 🙌🏻

So sometimes, a person will have an ultrasound done to check on the fetus

And this ultrasound might be a probe ultrasound, which is done vaginally

Yes, it can be uncomfortable but it's sometimes easier to see the fetus this way and get a more accurate gestational age

I'm not doctor or nurse, this is just my own personal experience from having been pregnant 3 times

So let's just say that's what you do

Atsumu is still in the room when the doctor goes to perform this ultrasound

His face goes from 😐 to 😳 to 😱 real quick

"Whoa whoa you have to do that!"- Atsumu says interrupting the doctor, standing right by your wide open legs

"Atsumu, please"- You

"Sir I promise, your wife will be fine"- the doctor says, reassuring Atsumu

"Oh he's not-"

"I'm just worried about her that's all"- Atsumu says walking up to you, grabbing your hand and smiling

The fact that he didn't correct the doctor is both reassuring and confusing 🙁

You are already in a super emotional state and this isn't helping

"Well it's looks like you are 8 weeks YN and if you look here, you'll see what your body is working so hard for"- the doctor says, turning the screen to show you the fetus

It hits you all at once as your situation sets in

You're pregnant, actually pregnant

And you have no idea who the father is

You sit and stare at the screen as Atsumu stares with you

Except Atsumu is so amazed and in complete shock

Please he's so excited 🥰

The doctor prints you a picture as you clean up and get an updated folder of appointments and a book to read

You walk out with Atsumu, not speaking as you head towards your car

"YN, hey are you ok?"- Atsumu

"No- no im not ok"- you say quietly as the tears start to form

"Hey come here"- Atsumu says pulling you into his embrace as you sob loudly

"Atsumu, I- I'm scared to do this on my own"- you confess

"Don't you want to let guy know you're pregnant?"- Atsumu

Atsumu can't help but feel a little jealous

He never expressed his feelings to you

Heck his feelings didn't really make sense until just recently

You dodge the question and huddle closer as Atsumu holds you

"Hey yn- shhh you aren't going to be alone!"- Atsumu says rubbing your back

"What about the team? What about my job? Oh my god Atsumu"- you sobbing

Please those hormones can hit HARD

"Hey hey now! I'm here for you YN! I care about you and you're my best friend"- Atsumu

Please it pains him to say "best friend" but he basically friend zoned himself 💅🏼

"You- you really mean that?"- you 🥺

"Of course! And trust me, Meian and the team would rather go without a manager than see you go YN. I promise, we can tell them together"- Atsumu

You smile as you hug him and kiss his cheek

Please he melts from that act alone 😭

The next day, you walk into practice nervous

Atsumu is waiting for you at the door as he grabs your hand and leads you in

Immediately, when you enter the gym, all eyes land on you

"Ok what's wrong?"- Meian, sighing as he crosses his arm over his broad chest 🥵

You 👉🏻👁👄👁 seriously!!!

"It's just weird that you and Atsumu are acting so close when you've all but ignored each other for months"- Sakusa

"Yeah we are just a bit skeptical"- Inunaki

"Just spit it out already"- Barnes

"I'm Pregnant" "YN's Pregant!" - you and Atsumu say at the same time

The guys 👉🏻😐😳😲

"Atsumu you idiot! You knocked YN up!!"- Barnes yelling

"What the hell dude?? We talked about condoms!"- Meian

"I love how YN isn't getting lectured"- Sakusa 🤔

"She should know better too! Jesus christ!"- Inunaki

Please their overreaction isn't helping

You start to tear up and sniffle as your embarrassment sets in

"Hey! Knock it off you guys"- Thomas coming up to you

Atsumu hugs you as you continue to sniffle

Meian puts his fingers on the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath

"We're sorry YN. This is just shocking"- Meian

"It's ok. But please, it's not Atsumu's fault"- You, protecting Atsumu

Bokuto and Hinata 👉🏻🤨🤨

"YN you do realize how a baby is made right?"- Bokuto

"Oh dear god"- Sakusa, walking away

"Yes Ko, remember I'm the one who taught you"- you 🙄

"She's saying I'm not the father guys"- Atsumu says calmly

Everyone stops and stares at you

Please where do they go from here 😅 this is so awkward

So leave it to us to blaze a trail

"I havent contacted the father yet. I- I'm pretty much on my own"- you explaining it gently

"YN say less, we are not here to judge"- Inunaki, his hand up stopping you 🤚🏻

"Yeah YN, we are only here to support you"- Barnes

"Have you decided what you plan to do YN?"- Meian

Atsumu stands next to you holding your hip and squeezing lightly

"I want to keep it. But I also want to stay your manager..."- You, whispering and trying not to cry again

"YN of course you can stay on!! We could never replace you"- Meian

"Really?"- you, now crying happy tears instead of sad ones

"Omg YN you are crying so much and I'm not sure whether it's happy or sad tears"- Hinata, panicking 😰

"It's happy tears Sho"- you say as you hug him tight

Atsumu is so happy and smiling bright as the team and you embrace

A month goes by things are progressing

"Good morning YN, little YN"- Meian says rubbing your belly as he walks by

First off, he asked and you said it was fine 🙂 always ask a pregnant person if you can touch them please!

Ask anyone if you can touch them... consent 👏🏻

Secondly, your bump has become a bit of a good luck charm for our boys

Inunaki swears it's the reason they are on a winning streak

Last week they beat EJP and this week they managed to win against the Adlers

Hinata and Bokuto come bounding at you as you brace for impact

But their force is stopped by a brick wall in the form of Atsumu 🧱

"What did I tell you two about jumping on YN?? She's growing a little YN!"- Atsumu 😡

Please he's so protective 😫

Sakusa walks up to you and pulls you into a side hug, whispering in your ear

"Hes got it so bad for you YN"- Sakusa, strolling away leaving you confused

Sure Atsumu has been attentive and very caring the last few weeks

He's taken to driving you places, making sure you have something to eat and taking you to appointments

He's stepped in as a friend and your biggest supporter

Too bad it's become more confusing than it was at first

Atsumu acts super protective of you and so loving

But then why did he say you weren't his type?

Maybe he's just being nice? Maybe he's caring for you as a friend would?

That must be it

You shove Omi's comments about Atsumu down as you proceed with your day

The weeks go by and soon your 20 weeks

Yay for half way through with your pregnancy 🙌🏻

You've been through alot these past few weeks and it's been entails and emotionally exhausting

You hadn't told anyone but you contacted as many of the guys you slept with as you could

None of them showed any interest in being a father, nor did they want anything to do with you 😔

It's was a big hit to your ego and your emotions

You spent the weekend crying and dodging all Atsumu's attempts to hang out

Claiming you were too sick

It honestly worried Atsumu who wanted to make sure you were OK

Mans was willing to drive to your place at 11 pm to take you to the urgent care if needed YN 👏🏻

But you just wanted to be alone and process everything

You never felt so alone and it was honestly so scary

Despite all the love and support you received from the team, it wasn't the same

You managed to hide your sadness from the team and soon it was time for your twenty week ultrasound

Atsumu asked to come with you and of course you said yes 🥰

It felt so nice to have someone with you, supporting you even if it was just as a friend

"Ok YN, would you like to know the babies sex?"- the ultrasound tech says

"Yes please"- you say, watching the screen as the tech moves the probe around your stomach

"Looks like a baby girl to me"- she exclaims as you begin to cry, tears flooding your eyes as Atsumu stands up, kissing your forehead, his tears mixing with yours

Please supportive Atsumu 😭😭😭

Guys I can't 🥺

The next day, you walk into the gym only to be bombarded by the team

"It's a girl right?"- Bokuto says as Meian pushes him back

"Knock it off Bokuto, we all know it's a boy"- Meian says smirking

"What? So you can tell what the baby is just by looking at YN?"- Barnes 🤨

"I told you it's captain intuition! I'm in tune with my team"- Meian say proudly

"Well you need to retune Shugu because the baby is a girl!"- you say as Bokuto and Hinata jump up and down, celebrating with you

Inunaki, Thomas and Barnes all laugh at Meian as he glares back

"Ok ok- fine I was wrong! But everything is good right YN?"- Meian

"Yep! She's perfect!"- you say, smiling as Atsumu puts his hand on your belly and kisses your forehead

Sakusa looks at you both questioningly

"Alright let's get changed for practice! YN do you got everything?"- Meian says

"Yes captain"- you say rolling your eyes as you take your jacket off, revealing your MSBY shirt covering your now growing bump

"Don't lift anything YN"- Barnes says

"Thomas and I will do the nets YN"- Inunaki says

"And I'll get the towels"- Bokuto chimes in

"Guys I'm fine!! You can help with the nets and carrying the water but I'm still capable!"- you throwing your hand in the air as you walk away

The guys all move the the locker rooms, a permanent smile stuck on Atsumu's face

"You look happy dude"- Hinata says

"I am! YN and I have become really close again. It's nice!"- Atsumu

"So you only plan to be her friend?"- Sakusa

Please he's held out as long as he could 😅

"What are you talking about?"- Atsumu

Hinata, Bokuto, Meian, Inunaki, Barnes and Thomas are all like 👀👀👀👀

Nosey bitches

They will purposely change slowly just because 🤚🏻

Sakusa sighs, he really doesn't want to say anything but he also knows your in a fragile state and he doesn't want you to get hurt

"Listen Sumu-"

Oh shit he's broken out the nickname 😱

"A few months ago, YN heard what you said about her not being your type-"

Atsumu's face pales, Sakusa continues

"I think it really got to her man. Listen, I knew she liked you but I didn't want to interfere. Maybe I should have but I didn't know she was going out and doing what she was doing"- Sakusa

Atsumu states at Sakusa in shock, sitting down on the bench, all the color now gone from his face

"What was she doing Kiyoomi?"- Meian interjects

Sakusa sighs and continues

"She was going out with her friends, getting drunk and going home with different guys. Listen I don't want to speculate but hasn't anyone wondered why YN has mentioned the baby's dad?"- Sakusa

"I mean I just figured he didn't want to be involved"- Thomas

"Are you saying that YN doesn't know who the father is?"- Barnes says sitting down

Sakusa nods and looks at Atsumu who is sitting quietly

"Holy shit-" Hinata says

"Sakusa, what the hell man? Why are you bringing this up now?"- Meian says

"YN is really fragile right now and I don't want her or you getting hurt. I know you care alot about her but-"

"I want to be with her Kiyoomi"- Atsumu interjects

The room quiets as Atsumu looks up to see his teammates gaping at him

"Dude are you-" Thomas says

"Atsumu, nobody expects you to take that on. I mean, not even YN would"- Barnes

Atsumu knows its alot but he can't help but recount his feelings the last few months

He remembers how sad he was when you pulled away and began ignoring him

How upset he was when you continued to shrug him off week after week

How the knot in his stomach grew when you told him you were pregnant

The jealousy he felt knowing he wasn't the baby's biological father

It killed him to see how upset you were the day he found you in the bathroom

Then to see you so happy again your ultrasound

It made him want to be apart of everything

"I think you need to talk to YN first Atsumu"- Thomas

"Yeah I mean, she's the one who will need to ultimately decide"- Inunaki

Atsumu sighed as he went about getting changed and then heading to practice

He knew he needed to talk to you and he had just the plan to do it

A few weeks went by as you and your belly continued to grow

Being almost 27 weeks was exhausting and taking an emotional toll on you

Your body was always sore, your feet hurt and all you wanted to do was sleep

You took it as easy as you could at practice

Atsumu made sure to constantly have a chair available for you as he pushed you into it more than necessary during the day

"Sumu really I'm fine"- you, being set carefully in the chair

"YN, sit!"- Atsumu says, grabbing another chair and putting your feet on it

"Sumu-"

"Here YN, Samu made you some Onigiri"- Atsumu said handing you the package as you grab it from him

You start eating as your eyes fill with tears as you chew

"YN Jesus, there's no need to cry!"- Atsumu

"It's just so good Sumu"- You 😭😭😭

Ok then 😐

That weekend, Atsumu asked over for dinner

Your agreed, enjoying your time with him

During dinner, Atsumu decided to approach the subject he's been avoiding for weeks

"YN, listen I want to talk to you"- Atsumu

"Sure Sumu, what's up?"- you a tad bit nervous

"YN, I want to be involved in the baby and your lives"- Atsumu

"Sumu you already are"- you confused 😕

"No- I mean, I want to be more than just a friend YN"- Atsumu

Your eyes widen as you sit back, your hand going to your belly

"Sumu I-"

"Listen YN, Sakusa told me what you heard and I just want to let you know, I was confused"

"Wait what? Sakusa told you"- you now standing up, mortified

"YN listen, it's ok! There's nothing wrong! I know you dont know who the babies father is and thats ok!"- Atsumu

You're absolutely mortified and feeling sick

If Atsumu knows, does the whole team know?

You feel so cheap and it's breaking you 🥺

"No everything's wrong Atsumu! God I can't believe Sakusa told you! Told you about everything! God I'm so embarrassed!"- you now stumbling around the chair, rushing towards the door

"YN please wait!"- Atsumu chasing you

"Sumu no! I don't need your pity! I got myself into this and I can do this myself. I know I'm 'not your type' or whatever but I'm not just some charity case"- You, crying

"YN Please stop!"- Atsumu, trying to get you to stay

"Leave me alone Sumu! God I can't believe I was so stupid!"- you, completely emotional and irrational

You take off out the door as Atsumu stands there, not sure if he should go after you or not

He calls Sakusa who answers right away

"Hey man-" "YN left! She fucking left! God I fucked up so bad! And now she's out on the streets alone. God what if she gets hurt or something happens to her!! Oh my god! What do I do??"

"Fuck- ok I'm going to call her, you go down and look for her. Follow her if you have to and make sure she gets home safe. I'll call Meian and see if he can go check on her"- Sakusa, our planning king

"Ok"- Atsumu says hanging up as he runs down the stairs to try and find you

Only your gone 😔

Your phone rings and rings as you sit on the train

You look to see you have missed calls from the entire team including Atsumu

You put your phone back in your pocket as you head to your apartment

Once inside you strip your clothes off, shower and put comfy sweats on

At this point, your just going through the motions, your brain on auto pilot

A pounding on your door jolts you from your trance

"YN OPEN UP NOW"- Meian shouts

You walk to the door, opening it to see Meian, Thomas and Inunaki all standing there

"Jesus woman! Could you answer your phone maybe?"- Thomas says

"I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about" you say in a monotone voice

"Well that's not what Atsumu said YN. He said you ran out of his apartment when he tried talking to you"- Meian

"Listen I don't need Atsumu or anyone's sympathy ok? I know I'm a fucking slut! I know I fucked up! I don't need anyones pity!" You now shouting as the tears fall down your cheeks

Seriously the theme of these headcannons is alot of crying 🥲

"YN"- Inunaki says as you look at him, his eyes sad

"I just want to be alone ok? Please let me be alone"- You, begging and tears falling

"Text us later ok?"- Meian says, taking the hint and turning to leave

You nod as you close and lock your door

Your tears falling steady as you turn to head to bed

The next few weeks go by in a daze

There is a odd unsettling in the air at the gym as you go about your job, steering as clear of Atsumu as you can

He watches you as you try and put the towels up

"Let me help" "I'm fine but thank you"- you say as you put the towels up and walk away

He's miserable, you're miserable, everyone's miserable

And you know what we love to do here 👀

Make everyone more miserable before we make them better 🙌🏻

So let's bring on some more pain, shall we 🙃

At 30 weeks, you wake up feeling exhausted

You haven't been able to sleep much and your body is constantly tired and sore

You make it to the gym just as you feel a sharp pain stab your back

You bend over, grabbing a chair as you curse

"Fuck" you squeak out as the pain dissipates

You wonder what's going on as the guys flood the gym and you straighten up

Atsumu looks at you as you smile lightly, turning to walk away

You come out from the office, a stack of papers in your hand as another pain shoots from your back

"Oh fuck"- you scream, as the papers go flying and your legs buckle

The teams heads snap your way as they rush to support you

"YN what's wrong?"- Atsumu

"My back- fuck it hurts Sumu"- you say, crying as the pain continues

"Shit, get her a chair Bokuto"- Meian says as Bokuto runs to grab you a seat

"Here YN"- Bokuto says as Sumu and Sakusa help you sit

The pain continues as you moan and cry through it

"We should take you to the hospital YN"- Thomas says as you nod

You're scared and it's about to get scarier

You stand up, and Barnes gasps

"Fuck YN your bleeding"- Barnes says as your face pales, looking at the seat seeing your blood soaking through

"Ambulance now!"- Meian shouts as Sakusa calls and Atsumu supports you

You start crying frantically as Atsumu holds you

"Sumu, the baby!! It's so early!"- you cry as Atsumu hugs you

"YN shhh- it's ok! Hey it's going to be ok! I'm not leaving you!"- Atsumu says reassuring you

"Atsumu, I'm so sorry- please" "shhh none of that! You have nothing to be sorry for baby!"- Atsumu says holding you close

The ambulance arrives as you are loaded in, Atsumu riding with you to the hospital

When you arrive, the doctors whisk you away to the maternity unit

Atsumu tries to follow up is stopped

"I'm sorry sir but only family from here on out"- the nurses says

"Fuck-" "He's the babies dad! Please let him come"- you shout as Atsumu looks at you, his eyes wide and tears filling the ducts

"Ok come with me sir"- the nurse says, bringing you both to a room

Hours go by as you sit and wait

The doctors were able to locate the babies heartbeat within seconds, reassuring you and Atsumu she was still ok

Atsumu sat next to you, holding your hand as he watched you

"YN, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. Please I never wanted this to happen"- Atsumu says

"Don't apologize Sumu. I should have listened to you. But I didn't. I'm sorry for this whole mess"- you, saddened

"YN, I love you and our baby so much! Please don't apologize for anything. I want to be here with you the entire way. That is, if you'll have me?"- Atsumu

Please now I'm crying 😭

"Atsumu, you mean it?"- You 🥺

"YN, if I didn't think it was inappropriate, I'd propose right now"- he says, smiling at you

"Please don't yet, I've had enough excitement for one day"- you say, laughing at Atsumu smiles

The doctor walks in

"Well good news YN is that your waters haven't broken and baby seems ok. It looks like you had a small subchorionic hematoma. It wasn't noted earlier on your ultrasounds, probably because it was so small. However it could have grown and then burst, causing the bleeding. It looks like everything is fine but just to be safe, I want you on bedrest for the next few weeks. That means laying down 23 hours a day, only getting up to use the bathroom"- the doctor says

Your eyes widen and you nod your head, you look to Sumu

"Sumu, my job. I cant-" the tears are falling again

Seriously so many tears 😢

"Hey- hey, it's fine YN! I'm here to help you. Let me help ok?"- Atsumu says as you nod, placing trust in him

The doors to your room fly open as 7 giant men enter

Please they probably scared everyone on the floor 😅

"Hey hey hey YN! How are you feeling?"- Bokuto

"Much better thank you guys!"- you say smiling as you place your hand on your belly

"Is that the baby's heartbeat?"- Sakusa asks

"Yep that's our baby girl"- Atsumu adds

"And she's staying in for a while??"- Meian 😑

"Yes, unfortunately I'll have to go on bed rest so I won't be able to manage for a while. I hope that's ok?"- you, really hoping it's ok

"YN please you think we could ever replace you?? Plus Atsumu would never allow it"- Barnes

Atsumu nods as you laugh a little

Suddenly your belly moves as the baby shifts

"What in the hell was that??"- Hinata 😳

"Oh she's just moving and kicking. She really hates these straps. Do you want to feel?"- You being freaking cute

Hinata nods as he approaches and feels the baby as she kicks

"Omg thats SO COOL YN!"- Hinata

"Hey me next!"- Bokuto

Like I've said before, literal children Yn

The guys leave soon and you spend your night trying to sleep

Astumu stayed by your side the entire time

The next morning, you were discharged and Atsumu drove you home

Only it wasn't to your home 🤨

"Umm Atsumu... this is your place"- you say, questioning

"Yep! You're staying with me so I can take care of you"- Atsumu says getting out of the car and walking over to your door

You 👉🏻👁👄👁 uhh ok...

Atsumu opens your door, lifting you into his arm as he carries you to his apartment

He sets you down gently on the bed and kisses your forehead

"You know, I can walk right?"- You

"You're growing my baby YN and the doctor said 'only get up when you need to use the bathroom' so no you can't just walk"- Atsumu

You roll your eyes as you hear the doorbell ring

Atsumu leaves and returns with Osamu who has brought food

"Hello my future sister in law"- Osamu, just stating the obvious

"Hey Samu! It's so nice to see you!"- You hugging your future brother in law 🥺

"I brought you food and enough to help feed you for the week. Because I don't trust Atsumu to make sure your feeding my niece enough"- Osamu

Atsumu 👉🏻😐 🧍‍♂️ I'm right here-

"Oh I know you are, that's why I said it"- Osamu 🙃

The weeks go by as you slowly approach your due date

At your 37 week appointment you are cleared to go back to work as long as you take it easy

The next day you waddle your way into the gym

"Whoa YN, you smuggling a couple volleyballs under that shirt"- Inunaki 🤣

You 👉🏻 😐 and I'm leaving

"Jesus christ we just got her back! Don't make her leave!"- Thomas

"YN!"- Our two bubbly boys say running at you

Sakusa steps in their way to stop them from mauling you

"Do you two have any other speed besides full steam?"- Sakusa

Meanwhile, Atsumu is dragging in two chairs, one for you to sit and another to put your feet up

He's also brought a bag full of water, refreshments and snacks for you

"Jesus Atsumu, did you bring the bag for the hospital too?"- Barnes jokes

"Yeah it's in the car! Do you think I'll need it??"- Atsumu ready to run to the car

"Atsumu love, chill out! I'm fine"- You

"YN the doctor said the baby can come anytime now, I'm just preparing ok!"- Atsumu

"Sumu I'm not even dilated yet! I doubt it's going to happen that fast"- You

Famous last words YN 🙃🙃🙃

Ok now before I get to the labor part, I just want to say that every labor is different

Like VERY different and I'm exaggerating this for funsies

Because who doesn't like chaos???

So let's get to it!

39 weeks 🙌🏻 congrats YN you made it to "full term"

And honestly, you are SO done

You can't sleep, your back hurts, your constantly going to the bathroom, your feet hurt and your body is just done

Not to mention, your patience with pretty much everyone

Most days, you sit in your chair in the corner of practice brooding 🤣

Hinata and Bokuto are scared to approach you

Heck all the guys are 😅

But today is the day YN and oh boy is it going to be painful

You wake up that morning feeling off

Atsumu is out on his run while you go about showering and getting ready for practice

At your last appointment your cervix was barely dilated and the doctor said it could be another 2 weeks before they see anything happen

But today just felt strange

The baby is lower and there is alot of pressure in your pelvis

Your back hurts and you are struggling to walk

You lean over the counter trying to relieve some pressure as Atsumu walks in

Immediately our man is on alert

"Whats wrong? Yn are you ok?"- he says running up to you

"Yeah Sumu I'm ok. Just alot of pressure and my back hurts"- you say as Atsumu applies pressure to your back to help

He kisses your neck as he rocks you

"Maybe you should stay home today?"- Atsumu

"Nah I'm ok. Maybe walking will get this little one going"- you say

"Ok baby. I'm going to change and we can head to practice"- Atsumu says, kissing you as he goes to change

As he's changing, you feel a pressure build in your back, stay and then leave

I'm no expect YN but I think that was probably a contraction

Spoiler alert: it was 😏

You sit there after the pain leaves and wonder what exactly is happening

It's one of those "I think I might be in labor but I'm not sure and I don't want to get too excited" moments

You brush off the contractions and move to get ready to leave

At the gym, you are sitting in the office when another contraction hits

It's your 3rd one in a half an hour and you start to think you are actually in labor

But you don't tell Atsumu yet 👀

Because you know exactly what will happen

Alot of panic, very little disco 🤣

You vow to tell him of your contractions start coming closer together

Which happens alot sooner than you plan

"Hey YN! Can you bring the copy of the new roster out?"- Meian yells as you grab the paper

You make it to the gym floor just as a huge contraction hits

You grab onto the door frame and feel a slight pop as your leggings begin to dampen

"Shit!"- you cry as Meian and Barnes heads snap to you

Barnes notices your leggings dampen and looks from your legs to your eyes and back down

"Oh holy SHIT!"- he yells as Thomas, Inunaki and Sakusa come running out

"What??"- Thomas says

"Yn did your..."- Meian

"Yep, my waters broke"- you, still gripping onto the door frame

There's a good 1 minute of silence before sheer panic sets in

Meian and Inunaki run to you and help you to make sure your supported

Meanwhile, Atsumu, Hinata and Bokuto come in from the back after filling water bottles

Atsumu sees you being supported, looks down, sees your pants, looks back up and sees your face

That's all she wrote people

Those water bottles are done for because Atsumu is SPRINTING to you just as another contraction hits

"Shit YN!! Are you ok? Tell me what's happening?"- Atsumu

You breath through the pain as Atsumu and the guys watch on

"I think I've been having contractions all morning but just now I'm pretting sure my water broke or I peed myself"- you

"Eww YN really"- Sakusa

You glare at Sakusa who is now your enemy

"We have to get to the hospital"- Atsumu

"Sumu remember the doctors said it could be hours or even days! We have time-" you growl as a contraction hits

"You think you have time YN? Because those contractions are awfully close together"- Barnes

"How do you know about that?"- you, gritting through the pain

"Atsumu sent us all an emergency birth plan with details that we all had to read"- Barnes say shrugging

You 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁

"Now is not the time to deal with this! We have to get YN to the hospital NOW!"- Atsumu in adulting mode

Meian and Inunaki support you as Atsumu runs around

Please he's so excited, nervous and scared he can't function

"Tsum tsum calm down!"- Bokuto

Everyone looks at him like 😲 because Bokuto being the voice of reason 🤨

That's strange, that's weird

Suddenly a huge pressure hits you as your knees buckle and you begin to fall

"YN holy shit-" Hinata says running to you

"It hurts so bad"- you, screaming

For real tho, I screamed so loud they said they were lucky the birthing floor was empty 😅

And imagine the echo of a gym at that 🤯

"What hurts YN?"- Sakusa

You're head snaps to him like bro... seriously

"MY VAGINA SAKUSA!"- you, screaming

"I know that you idiot I mean what are you feeling?"- Sakusa

"Hey don't call the mother of my child an idiot ya idiot!"- Atsumu, ready to fight

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP"- You, gritting your teeth

Any chance you had at a serene birth experience is long gone YN 😅

"Ugh I feel like I have to push"- you shout as everyone freezes

Meian and Inunaki are still supporting you

Thomas and Barnes 👉🏻 ��👄👁 here???

Bokuto and Hinata just stand there 🧍‍♂️ 🧍‍♂️

"Wait- now? You said we had time YN!"- Atsumu, panicking

"Clearly I was wrong Sumu"- you say gritting your teeth as another contraction comes

"I'm calling an ambulance now"- Sakusa says running

You feel pressure as you move your hand to lower your pants

Please everyone is about to lose their minds

"YN I don't think the gyms insurance covers this"- Meian

"Seriously are these floors even stain proof?"- Barnes

"I mean their water proof right?"- Thomas

You glare at them as they all stop talking

"You're right YN not the time"- Meian says, holding you as you move your pants down

"The ambulance is like 5 minutes away"- Sakusa says running back in

"We need towels"- Atsumu says, realizing this is not waiting

Hinata and Bokuto run 🏃‍♂️ as fast as they can and grab towels

"Ok YN, you need to breath. Remember in and out, good job baby!"- Atsumu says praising you

Please he's a rock in a tough situation

He just goes into autopilot

"Sumu, it hurts so bad" you say gritting your teeth

Atsumu checks under your shirt to see

"Oh my god ok this is really happening. Yn the babies head is right there"- he says his eyes as wide as saucers

"WHAT??"- you scream as another contraction hits

"Ok ok YN when the contraction hits, bare down on and put your weight on Meian and Inunaki"- Atsumu

"God YN, I'm so sorry some man did this to you!! I'm scheduling a vasectomy tomorrow"- Inunaki states

You scream as you feel the pressure hit a new high

"The ambulance is a minute away YN just hold on"- Sakusa screams from the doors as he waits

"Sumu I cant- I can't! I was promised drugs! You promised me drugs!"- You scream

Fun fact 👉🏻 actual quote from me

"YN, hey, I believe in you and I love you"- Sumu says as he looks up at you smiling

You nod, bearing down as you feel the pressure build and then slip from your body

"Holy shit"- Barnes shouts as the gym floods with first responders and Atsumu holds your new baby girl

"You did it YN! You did it baby! I fucking love you so much! Omg she's so perfect!"- Atsumu says crying as he holds your now screaming daughter, the ambulance crew handing him towels and checking her vitals

"Hello YN! I'm Mai, let's get you to a gurney ok??"- Mai says as you nod and Meian and Inunaki help you on the gurney, you daughter still attached by her umbilical cord

"Dad would you like to cut the cord? Then we can help YN get the placenta out"- Mai says handing Atsumu the scissors as he holds your baby close.

"Wait I'm not done yet?"- you say panicking

"It will be quick YN. After birth contractions will help"- Mai says as she helps you deliver the placenta

Atsumu hands you the baby as you look at her and start to cry

"Sumu she's perfect"- you say looking at him

"Just like you YN"- atsumu says, kissing you as you head the to hospital

✨️ Bonus ✨️

1 month later...

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lunarvir · 2 years

Text

hey whores, i srsly dont know how to write smut💀💀💀💀 BUT I WANT SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO BE WRITTEN AND IM TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE TO WRITE IT😭 its like also so fucking short. i really dont know how to write sex scenesss

Step-bro Tetsu

TW:smut, step-siblings relationship (sorry for bad grammar english ain't my first language😭)

It has been already about 5 years since your mother passed away. your dad had been seeing this girl, surprisingly she seemed nice she was also a single mom with a 17-year-old son. You and your dad decided to move in with his girlfriend and her son in Tokyo, living in a house with the one and only Kuroo Tetsurou he had a bad-boy energy but after living in with him for a couple of months already reveals that he's quite a sweet dude, he'd always make you feel intimidated who wouldn't? He was tall compared to you, he had this weird hair that makes him hot for no reason, and of course, he plays volleyball you have things for volleyball players, ok?. It sucked for you to have him as a stepbrother if he wasn't, you probably already made a move.

"Y/n sweetie could you call Tetsurou for dinner?" Your stepmom asked you, "yeah sure!" You went upstairs to his room knocking at his door "Tetsu dinner!" You were annoyed and already hungry but they made a rule 'ALWAYS need to eat dinner together.' It was so stupid you sighed, knocking louder at his door him still not saying anything being so done with him you opened a small crack at his door, his room was dark having a small light source it was his phone he was wearing his headphones having a blanket over his legs to his waistline, you didn't think any more about it, you guessed that he was just watching a movie or something so you rapidly opened the door and threw his volleyball that was laying on the floor at him "hurry up dinners ready-" revealing him with his cock out 'He. Was. Watching. Porn.' You thought, you quickly apologized to him closing the door shut. You were just standing there and thinking about what just happened, he was big you thought, thinking more about it the door of his room opened "oh- uhm dinners ready.." You stuttered "alright" he replied walking past you as if you didn't just catch him jerking his dick off "you aren't coming?" He asked you "oh- i-" he walked back to you grabbing your hands and placing them at his semi-hard cock whispering "felt that? You bothered me so later you'll have to finish that for me, hmm?" Letting you go he gave you a smirk and went downstairs.

After having a totally nice and not him trying to touch your big thighs under the table dinner you both went upstairs and he pulled you into his room "so now, take care of me will you?" "Isn't this wrong Tetsu?" You nervously asked him "so what? It's not like we're blood-related" after that, he placed a rough kiss on your lips making you moan trying to push him away while his kiss was getting deeper until the both of you were sitting on his bed. Breaking the kiss to get some air there was a strand of saliva connecting your mouths "come on wanna taste me? I know that you have been watching me shower last week" you tried to reply to him but he cuts you off with him saying "oh shush, it's fine. it's fair I've been masturbating to you some times, like earlier." Making his way to take off both of your shirts and him kissing you all over.

#haikyuu x chubby reader #chubby reader #hq kuroo #kuroo x y/n #kuroo tetsurō #kuroo x you #chubby #chubby y/n

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yaomomvs · 3 years

Text

TAKE OUR HAND

seijoh x manager!reader

in which aoba johsai vbc just wants you to take their hand, just as the many times they have reached for yours when they needed it

pls i’m sorry i just wrote this for comfort, in having a terrible week and so, i just really need my seijoh boys to comfort me even if it’s just in my head and just so you know, and as i’ve been trying to convince myself, things always get better

tuesday, [15:56 pm]

“nice kill yahaba senpai!” kindaichi congratulates his upperclassman.

his voice makes you react, it scared you. still holding your pen and the notebook you always carry around even on normal practice days, your hand threatens you in the most scary way possible.

fuck no, just... breathe.

you are quick to leave aside the notes, and so, you look around to the boys, who just after the coach’s whistle sounds they are quick to approach your spot.

you take the water bottles as quickly as you can.

“oh y/n-san, i know we are irresistible but you can’t just slack off admiring us!” makki teases you laughing.

“if our dear manager is admiring someone is obviously me” oikawa says, before taking a sip of his bottle, slightly making you blush even more.

“i don’t think she likes idiots who still watch youtube conspiracy videos at 3am”

“iwa!”

“weren’t you the one with a secret obsession for romance manga, iwaizumi?” it’s mattsun time to expose his friend. iwai mi doesn’t hesitate and he runs directly to matsukawa, while kunimi brings out his phone to start recording the chaos in the gym.

you don’t listen.

your head hurts, and then, you once again feel this weird thing in you stomach. you have been feeling like this for the past week, and you try to ignore it . but sometimes, you just want the world to stop.

you can’-

“y/n senpai?” watari calls your name, and you notice his furrowed brows looking at you, worried. you blink and correct your posture. you had just zooned out. “is everything ok?”

“ah yes watari kun!” you force your self to sound relaxed because you feel the sudden gaze of the entire team “i was just thinking in a smart way to insult oikawa, but i’m worried he won’t understand tho”

“hey! you said i was your favorite”

you fake laugh once again assuring everyone that you were just fine. the day goes on, and somehow is becomes more difficult to just stay down not worrying about anything.

and they notice.

you don’t walk home with the guys today. instead you run to the bus not before excusing yourself with an ‘urgent family thing’

“just please don’t let makki eat so much ramen today!” you giggle as you run to the bus “i’m not in the mood to dealing with diarrea!”

“that was a secret between us darling!” the pink haired guy screams cheeks blushing.

and maybe you were just too distracted, but before you face them away some of them notice how quick your smile fades.

“you know guys” yahaba is quick to say “call me crazy but, why did she lie?”

—

wednesday, [10:22 am]

when was the last time you actually enjoyed school? not practice, but school itself. seeing numbers everyday in the board that you don’t understand is frustrating. your throat hurts, there’s has been a not there since the begging of the day.

swallow it, y/n, dammit

you decided to take this class, don’t blame the world, blame yourself. isn’t it supposed to be simple? why isn’t it being simple? is that...

"Square root of 57 is equal to Xo, miss"

"alright!"

it is not like it’s a race, you want to say. why was the teacher obsessed with speed?, it’s unfair. your time is not the same as that of others.

you drop the pencil and you recline in your chair, why couldn’t you do operations and analysis as fast as they could? you take a look around and the eyes of others look frightening. you see ambition, you see security, you see admiration.

the bell rings and you just want to run, and well in a way you end up doing it. leaving your homeroom, you tell your friends that for today you want to be alone, the halls of aoba johsai are big, for your fortune or misfortune. you go to the vending machine and when your drink falls, the minimum noise makes you startle, lately it’s like that, small noises or actions affect you way too much.

and iwaizumi notices it.

you don’t make a single move, it’s just the cold drink resting on your hands. and before iwaizumi could stop mattsun, he was already putting his hand on your shoulder.

“y/n!”

the orange juice spills and once again fear takes hold of you.

you see them both, you’re not stupid and you know hajime stares at you weirdly, and now mattsun, you hide your fear it a bit worse than yesterday, but you do anyways.

"someday, Matsukawa-san, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME! and what will you do without me?" you try to say cheerful, wanting to take away the suspicion, for a moment it works.

"flunk history, that leads me to..."

"no, sweeheart, i won’t give you my homework"

you walk and both guys follow you, one faster than another, very naive of the situation. "I begin to believe you hate me," says Mattsun, as the three sit on a bench near the school cafeteria casually encountering kunimi who quickly joins you, patting the folds of your skirt as you sit down, you rest on the table and admire his needy expression and as the tantrum of mattsun grows.

minutes go by, your chest pain grows, but somehow you know how to let it go.

with your hands supporting your face, lunch passes between you and kunimi, you try to talk, you really try.

but still, your eyes just glow, and kunimi notices how it’s not the glow you always have.

—

thursday [12:03]

your head is spinning, you can feel the cold sweat. will this be the time? why do you feel so small? why can’t you say it?

it’s familiar, you recognize this feeling, an ocean, you’re floating, you know you can swim, but, you’re in the middle of nowhere, you look down. Out of nowhere the intimidating depth of the ocean is beneath you. And then, you sink. You feel like you’re drowning, you feel like you’re fighting the tide, but you just can’t do it.

i just need...

no, it’s not time yet, it’s still training. the boys... you’re the one who should take care of them, you’re the one who has to be be fine. they had no time to lose, they had a goal and for the moment that was the most important thing.

On that bench, your gaze is absent, you know it is so.

and through the window that overlooks your classroom, oikawa notices it too

“y/n...” he mumbled.

of course he’d noticed. at first it was not so clear, but now he remembers.

when kindaichi pinned your dark circles to him, while admiring you by fitting volleyballs in a way not of your own.

makki watches oikawa from your side, you don’t even know the pink-haired guy is there, unaware that he’s sitting next to you. but he notices. he’s been noticing for days that your eyes are threatening to close in the middle of class.

hanamaki catches your attention and instantly that mask you’ve been wearing for weeks appears again.

"hanamaki, i’m fine"

it doesn’t convince them. they both look out the window and nod.

oikawa notices, and god, he wished he had no reason to.

—

friday [14:00 pm]

breathe.

please just... breathe.

you’re fed up. the feeling of guilt and discomfort is still there, can’t you be calm? people don’t need to know, but why do you want to shout it?

the dressing room is alone, the girls from the soccer team are out and it’s your only chance.

the team needs you, hold on a little.

your footsteps are heard in the hallway once again, a symphony you’re tired of listening to.

your chest hurts, your heart is aching, but you just need a little more. hands are shaking, the cold in your body, you need to stop.

you have to make them stop.

but when you walk into the gym, even with your eyes down, all you feel is warm. and it’s because, the boys were standing, aligned begging for you.

no, they beg for your sake.

and everything stops.

one hand from him on your neck, and one hand around your shoulders.

because oikawa, without warning, now has you in his arms.

and then, only then, you break.

tears don’t take long to come out, along with desperate sobs. your legs fail and out of nowhere, you and oikawa are on your knees.

with an alarmed look, the whole club runs towards both, surrounding you as sensibly as possible.

"i’m sorry, i’m sorry I’M SORRY" is heard from you, between hiccups.

“love, listen...” iwaizumi approaches you,somehow he managed to catch up with you, somehow he managed to hold your hand.

"i promise i didn’t want to, but i can’t, i can’t anymore, why can’t i? i try and i try and i keep trying but it’s never enough! IM TIRED OF SEEING SOMETHING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PROCESS IT LIKE THE OTHERS. I’M TIREDD OF NEVER FULFILLING WHAT I SHOULD”

yahaba’s heart aches, and just as most of the team, is shocked.

your hands, oh your adorable hands, those hands that bandage his in the middle of an important game, he sees them shaking horribly between iwaizumi’s.

“AND I’M SCARED, WHAT IF I LOSE YOU BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE OF ME? BECAUSE OF HOW I AM I-“

watari is quick to place your hair gently behind your ear, a kunimi covers you with his jacket.

“I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DONT RECOGNIZE MYSELF” you lower your voice, its cracked now “oikawa I don’t recognize myself, I want to be me again" you whisper, and a knot appears in the captain’s throat, and he puts a hand on your cheek "please... just let me be me again" your throat burns, your eyes get redder.

the gym goes silent, your words still echoing in everyone’s head.

“why didn’t you-“

“i just couldn’t” you blame yourself cutting oikawa off “look at us! we are waisting time on me when we should be- i’m the one who has to- im you support not-“

“hey hey, love...” iwaizumi whispers his voice is filled with sweetness, letting you sit correctly and softly rubbing his thumb in your hands “how many times have you been there for us? y/n your hand is always there”

“that’s true” kyotani says, finally saying something, emotions overwhelmed him a lot, but he genuinely wanted to help you.

“there’s something about you, there’s light” kindaichi follows up.

“no matter where, or how bad we are, somehow you always are helping us stand up” mattsun also tries to carefully approach you, he wants nothing more for you to feel safe.

and oikawa’s arms were still around you. he never stopped.

“we have reached your hand so many times, so now it’s time for you to please take ours” oikawa holds you face, and you see the sincerity and kindness behind his brown eyes, it feels like home.

mattsun does a sign asking the coach for a day off, both of them smile tenderly at you and give the green flag. iwa and makki are next to hold you carefully helping you stand up. they help you stop shaking but it’s mad dog the one who wipes your tears away with a tissue watari handled him. still not knowing if he did it the right way. you still feel kunimi’s scent. you still see kindaichi holding your school bag making sure nothing is missing. yahaba is the one bringing you water. and oikawa still refuses to let you go.

all of them feel like home.

“thank you”

and that’s how you know everything is going to feel fine.

because this club was yours and you were theirs.

this was home.

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twodimecastle · 3 years

Text

fifty bucks & six months.

spencer reid x gender neutral reader new relationship, secret keeping nonsense, 4.5k words, ao3 a/n; turns out i love writing texting fic but tumblr destroys the formatting rip

zero months.

You smile conspiratorially, extending a pinkie towards Spencer and he gives you a skeptical look.

“You know the odds of being found out immediately are-” he starts, but you cut him off.

“Astronomical, I know. I know. But don’t you think it’ll be fun to see how long we can push it?” you wheedle, not caring that your voice sounds more like begging than is strictly dignified because seeing the way Spencer’s nose crinkles in amusement at your heavy handed persuasion is too adorable to pass up. You scoot closer on the couch, tapping the end of his nose with your pinkie finger, letting him catch your hand between his as you continue “I think we’ve got a good shot at hiding it for a little while. It would be like a game.”

Spencer draws your captive hand to his lips, brushing them across your knuckles and watching fondly as you forge ahead in your campaign to persuade him, enjoying the show and the attention too much to tell you he’s already on board. Your eyes are shining with the prospect of the caper, and you’ve made no move to take your hand back from him, and Spencer’s pretty sure he’d be more than happy to sit with you in this moment forever. “I mean-” you go on, gesturing animatedly with your free hand, “you’re like-a really good liar when you want to be. And everyone else always forgets how good you are at it.”

He snorts at that and the sound makes you light up, eyes tracking the arch of his brows, the warmth in his soft brown eyes, memorising the way he looks like this; utterly unbothered, completely at ease. It might be your favourite version of him, but that race has always been a tight one with no clear winner in sight. You have lots of favourite versions of Spencer. Twisting your hand in his, you tangle your fingers together, savouring the way you feel his thumb glide delicately along your skin and the unhidden joy in his face at the simple show of affection.

Time to play your trump card.

“$50 says we can hide it from the whole group for at least six months. If everyone figures it out before then, you win. But if not everyone has worked it out by then, I win.”

The mischievous shine in your eyes is irresistible, and Spencer smiles, disentangling one of his hands from yours to extend his own pinky finger.

“You’re on.”

The words barely make it out of his mouth before you’re colliding with him, pressing your lips to his.

two months.

“So, how long has this whole thing been going on?” Derek’s question catches Spencer off guard, and, based on the way he can see you freeze in his peripheral vision, takes you by surprise as well. Sliding into the driver's seat of the SUV, Derek continues “I hope you didn’t think you were gonna be able to keep me in the dark for long, pretty boy. You should know better than that.”

Following mechanically after him, Spencer takes the passenger seat, trying to frame his next statement as carefully as possible as he hears your door close and the car start. “We were-going to tell you guys-” he begins uncomfortably, glancing back to you for support, but you look just as on edge as he feels. “We were just gonna-keep it to ourselves for a while-before telling Hotch and everything-” he tries again, the mounting tension levering his shoulders higher and higher with every passing moment, but then Derek just laughs, shaking his head.

“Hey, I’m happy for you, kid. For both of you.” He spares a look at you in the back seat through the rear view mirror, and you can feel the tension in your jaw relax, the furrows in your brow straightening out at the note of approval in Derek’s voice. “I’m glad you two finally figured it out,” he says, fondly, and you laugh.

“I bet Spence we could keep it from you guys at least six months,” you explain, reaching forwards through the centre console to link your pinky with Spencer’s, and the touch of your hand releases the last of the tension he had been harbouring as he covers your hand with the other one of his own. He knows Derek clocks the motion, filing it away in his mind somewhere, but he doesn’t care about the scrutiny so much right now. Not when your hand is so warm and comfortable in his.

Derek reaches for the dial on the radio and flicks through the channel, thinking about something, and as you watch, a slow mischievous smirk spreads across his face a moment later before he glances first at Spencer and then at you.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says to you, and Spencer can feel a familiar grin tugging at his own lips as he watches a plan take shape in his friend’s eyes. “I’m happy to sit on this information for a while for a cut of the winnings from whichever one of you comes out on top.” He snorts good naturedly as he continues “I have my own bet to win with Prentiss, so if you two help me win that one, I’ll cut you in too.”

“A quid pro quo of sorts,” Spencer says slowly, and he feels your fingers tighten around his, as you snort softly, and he knows instinctually you’re grinning the same way you always do when you’re winning a game. “I think we can do that.”

Derek grins, turning the music up as he nods, eyes on the road. “Then you two love birds have got yourselves a deal.”

two months and two weeks.

PG: youre not as slick as you think you are ;)

YN: ???

PG: ;))))))))) you should invest in some concealer for your work bag sweetness or tell the good doctor to pay more attention to whats visible in your work clothes

YN: oh my fucking god wait how do you even know thats how that happened

PG: im all knowing and all seeing im like the omnipotent goddess of the fbi

YN: derek blabbed

PG: he sang like a canary but also im an omnipotent goddess im also totally clued in on the whole bet situation with em so for the low low price of every single juicy detail about how this adorableness went down you can buy my silence :)

YN: im getting derek decaf coffee on all coffee runs from now on >:( traitors dont get caffeine

PG: darling sweet angel i need deets all of them like immediately

YN: >:( fine ok so. after that case down in georgia a few months ago? the weird one? with the creepy mother son thing?

PG: omg yuck pls dont remind me im here for the CUTENESS not the MURDER

YN: sorryyyyyyy anyway so spence was like being super weird about it all on the plane and whatever but he was doing that super annoying thing where he ignores it and says hes fine so everyone leaves him alone

PG: YEAH why does everyone here do that ALL THE TIME its SO annoyingggg

YN: ikr its insufferable and like super not subtle ANYWAY. spence was being weird and whatever and i just. refused to let him sulk on his own or whatever like i could tell there was something bothering him and so after work i insisted that we were gonna get like shitty diner food or whatever and watch a movie and he knows better than to say no to me

PG: smart boy

YN: so we got fries and milkshakes and then went back to his place to watch a movie and he was still like weird and silent and like brooding yknow? but whatever just figured hed talk about it when he was ready so i put on a movie and offered to make popcorn and then he was just staring at me and he looked so SAD and TIRED and i thought id done something wrong like the poor guy looked like he was gonna cry and i was panicking over fucking popcorn and then he says ‘why are you always so nice to me?’

PG: oh my god hes like if a sad victorian orphan was actually a triplicate phd holder

YN: i was SO thrown off i was like spencer. spencer were best friends. ive been forcing you to hang out with me for years now why do you THINK im being nice to you its bc i care about you asshole and then. like after another million years after letting me sweat it out over whether hes about to cry for like fucking years the asshole grabs my hand and says. i shit you not. ‘you know im in love with you, right?’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YN: anyway hes my boyfriend now :’) dont tell anyone tho gotta win the bet

four months.

Lingering by the elevator, you glance around at the uncharacteristically silent office building, waiting for Spencer to leave the bullpen. The sound of his footfalls drawing nearer makes you smile and you mentally applaud yourself for suggesting the two of you remained behind after disembarking from the plane, taking advantage of the manufactured privacy to take the same car home, back to his apartment.

When he sees you waiting for him, he can’t help the soft fond smile that tugs at his face, as he reaches for your hand, sliding his fingers into yours with a gentle squeeze, the quiet of the building allowing him to indulge in the show of affection. You return the squeeze, leaning your head on his shoulder with a yawn and as he presses a fond kiss to your temple he’s rewarded by a sleepy hum of approval from you that sends a rush of quiet joy shooting through him.

“At least we won’t be sleeping in hotel beds again tonight,” you say, voice weary, and Spencer nods as he shuffles you into the elevator. The doors slide shut and the elevator starts to move and in the moment of absolute privacy, you steal a kiss, tilting your chin up to catch his lips with yours, revelling in the soft huff of surprise he lets out, even as he smiles against your mouth. Even after months, the simple act of kissing Spencer still feels new and thrilling somehow, like you can’t quite believe it’s something you’re allowed to do.

His nose brushes yours and he breathes “unless something big comes up, we get a sleep in tomorrow too,” and the way you beam at him sends his heart racing in his chest, unable to look away from the fondness shining in your eyes.

As the two of you exit the elevator and make your way through the Bureau car park, you tuck yourself against his side, wedging yourself under his arm with a happy sigh, eager to get yourself horizontal and asleep as fast as possible. Spencer brushes his lips against your temple again as the two of you close in on his car, almost free and clear of the office when a voice behind the two of you brings you up short.

“Reid?”

Spencer is reacting before his mind catches up, turning on his heel towards the sound of Hotch’s voice echoing through the parking lot, conscious of the incriminating way you’re still tucked against his side, even as his brain is rifling frantically through any possible excuses for the current circumstances.

“Hotch-” you step away from Spencer, cheeks flaming, not wanting to chance a look at him. “I-we-thought everyone else had gone home,” you trail off lamely, trying your hardest not to balk under Hotch’s ominously impassive scrutiny. A second passes, then another, and the short silence feels like months, or years even as the three of you stand locked in a stalemate.

“I take it the two of you would prefer to keep this under wraps?” He asks, finally, and it registers with Spencer, somewhat belatedly, that Hotch’s tone isn’t admonishing. It isn’t enough to dissipate the tension coiling in Spencer’s muscles just yet, but he spares a glance at you as he nods, and a moment later, Hotch gives the two of you a curt nod of his own. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, a shade of irony colouring his voice. “If you two fill out the paperwork for in-team relationships for me, I’ll keep it to myself. I understand privacy is hard to come by in our office.”

The words take a while to fully sink in, and you’re conscious that you’re standing there blinking and gaping at your boss like a bemused fish for a good few seconds before you’ve composed yourself enough to say “absolutely, sir. Of course. Thank you.”

Hotch nods again, heading towards his own car, and as he passes the two of you, a brief smile flashes across his face.

“Congratulations, you two. Get some sleep.”

four months and three weeks.

Spencer isn’t sure how late it is, but he knows you’re not asleep yet, the faint glow of your phone screen casting faint distorted shadows across his room as your free hand rests lightly on his chest. In the dark blue twilight of his room, the space feels undefined and dream like somehow, the line between his mind and his surroundings blurry or indistinct somehow, and as you huff out a near silent laugh at something on the screen in your hand, a thought rises to the surface of his thoughts like flotsam on an unwanted tide.

The more clinical part of his mind notes the autonomic response in his body, the way his heart lurches unpleasantly in his chest, heart rate rising with an influx of cortisol through his nervous system, automatically rifling through ways to control the anxiety response. Age old instinct surges forwards, starting to push his spiralling anxiety down out of sight so as not to bother you with it, but then your hand shifts infinitesimally on his chest, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his pyjama shirt, and for once his body is miles ahead of his brilliant mind, your name is leaving his lips before he’s really aware of it happening.

Your gaze flashes up from your phone at the sound of his voice, soft and hesitant, and you let the screen go dark as you set it down. You can feel Spencer’s heart hammering against his ribs under your palm, and your brows knit together in concern as you shift closer to his side, tracing gentle circles over his shirt with your fingertips, the repetitive motion intended to soothe, though you’re not sure if it’s for his benefit or yours.

“Yeah, baby?” You ask softly, working hard to keep the rising worry from your voice. After three years of friendship and almost six months of dating, you know him well enough to sense when his propensity for overthinking and catastrophizing is slipping out of his control. You can feel his chest rise as he inhales sharply, whatever he’s about to say cut off by second guessing, doing nothing to pacify your concern. “Spence? Is everything okay?” You ask again.

“This-bet-hiding our relationship-it’s-” he trails off, throat tight as he rolls onto his side, facing away from you, and smushing his face into the pillow, already wishing he hadn’t said anything. You’re the kindest person he’s ever met, but offering up this kind of raw insecurity feels like pulling teeth. Even if it’s you. Especially if it’s you. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out if you care about him enough to stay when his racing mind gets the better of him. The pillow muffles his voice as he says “never mind.”

You feel your own heart rate tic up in response to that, matching the wild beat of Spencer’s that you could feel under your palm only a second ago. “Baby, talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

He shakes his head, face still hidden in the pillow. “It’s stupid.”

He can feel the rush of your breath on his back as you sigh, and your voice is almost achingly patient as you say softly “it’s not stupid if it matters to you.” There’s a long pause, and you press yourself against his back, settling close and letting your hand slide over his side to rest on his chest, the heat of his skin sinking into yours even through his thin shirt. In spite of his height, he feels so small as you wrap yourself around him, drawing closer, trying to reassure him without yet knowing what he needs to be reassured of. “Spence?”

“Are you ashamed of-being with me? Is that why you want to hide it?” The words are almost whispered, the sound almost lost against his pillow and your heart sinks, plummeting faster and further than if you’d dropped it off the side of a skyscraper. You should’ve known he might worry about that, should have realised it might have felt that way. Remorse rises hot and bitter in your throat and you swallow it down, trying to steady your voice.

“Spencer. Sweetheart. No. Never. I could never be ashamed. I love you. I’m so sorry.” Your arms wrap more tightly around him and you bury your face against the crook of his neck, the tension you can feel in every inch of his body making you feel more cruel and short-sighted than you already do. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might feel like that. I could never be ashamed of being with you, Spence. You’re my favourite person.” He takes the kind of shaky, shallow breath that comes with trying not to cry and your heart breaks a little more as one of his hands slowly moves to cover yours where it rests against his chest, just over his heart.

As his hand rests over yours, his thumb strokes lightly along your knuckles, and he knows you know him well enough to notice the way his hand trembles, just a little, because then your hand is shifting against his, turning to clumsily tangle your fingers with his, holding tighter to him as he tries to collect himself, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath as his eyes squeeze shut. He can hear the contrition in your voice as you say softly “I’ve never really liked having people know everything about what’s going on in my life. And I love our friends but-something like this, that’s so-special? So new? I wanted to be able to keep it to just us for a while.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice comes out a little shaky, scarcely more than a whisper, and it’s more than you can take as you pull back and gently force him to roll over to face you. He’s not crying, but his eyes are glassy and you recognise the fight to keep the tears unshed in the tight set of his jaw and the hard line of his lips. Leaning on your elbow, you lift your free hand to gently smooth out the furrows of his brow, letting your fingers linger along the planes of his face.

“Why are you sorry,” you ask gently. “You don’t need to be sorry, baby. Not for talking to me about things that bother you. We can tell everyone else tomorrow, if you want? We can call off the bet. Derek will live. If he’s got a problem with it I’ll turn all his shirts into crop tops.”

He can tell the joke is a last bid attempt to make him smile, to ease his fear, and it works. In spite of the anxious weight in his chest that feels like it’s pressing him into the mattress, Spencer laughs weakly, meeting your eyes, and he watches as a relieved smile breaks across your face, releasing your lower lip from where you’d trapped it worriedly between your teeth. The unmitigated affection that floods into your eyes renders him momentarily breathless as he takes in the moment. You’re still here, still trying to take care of him. Just as kind and steadfast as ever.

“No,” he says eventually, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down on top of him like a living weighted blanket, letting your warmth chase the bulk of the tension from his body and luxuriating in the way you curl into him, one hand sliding into his hair. “We shouldn’t call off the bet. We still have to take Emily’s money, remember?”

Your sleepy laugh is the last thing he hears before his eyes close and the feel of your body wound around his lulls him to sleep.

five months.

SR: Can I talk to you about something?

DM: you dying or something? that’s a really fuckin ominous text to recieve out of the blue

SR: I’m not dying, why would that be what you assumed? I just have a question.

DM: just a figure of speech but what’s up?

SR: It’s about your bet with Emily. What’re the terms for it?

DM: wym?

SR: What exactly did you two make the bet about? What needs to happen in order for you to win the bet?

DM: does this count as collusion?

SR: Technically yes, but calling it collusion implies a certain degree of illegality.

DM: whatever anyway the terms i made with em were that you’d make some kind of move before your birthday but she reckoned you were gonna need some kind of near death experience to do anything about your crush why?

SR: I’m just making sure I have all the information.

DM: what’s going on pretty boy? you planning something?

SR: Maybe.

DM: not a helpful answer reid is everything good?

SR: Everything’s fine. We’re just figuring some stuff out. Nothing to worry about.

DM: is there something you’re not telling me?

SR: Don’t worry about it.

five months, three weeks and six days.

In the chaos that was the scramble from the briefing room to the jet, you haven’t yet had the chance to speak to Spencer about the outcome of his most recent thesis defence panel. By the time you’ve got a moment to breathe, the jet is underway, coasting across the country towards Montana, the whole team settled in for the six hour flight. You corner him in the tiny kitchen area of the jet as he’s making a mug of mediocre coffee, fingers tapping out an absent minded rhythm on the countertop as the coffee machine whirs, clearly not paying attention to anything outside of his head.

“Hey, boy genius.” He jumps, whirling around, eyes wide with surprise, and you smile fondly. “So?” You demand, and Spencer raises an eyebrow in confusion. You snort, rolling your eyes as you elaborate. “Your defence panel. Did it go okay?”

You’re shifting your weight and fidgeting restlessly with the belt loops on your pants and as he studies you for a moment, it occurs to Spencer that you’re nervous for him over this outcome. The thought brings an almost giddy smile to his face.

“You know this isn’t my first thesis defence panel, right?” He says mildly, deliberately burying the lede, enjoying the way you scowl in irritation too much to answer your question right away, too enamoured with this display of concern on his behalf.

“Don’t be difficult, Doctor Reid. It’s still a big deal.” He just shrugs noncommittally, and you huff, swatting his arm lightly. “So did it go well?” You ask again, eyes narrowing as you try to dissect his microexpressions, trying to discern the answer he seems determined to keep from you for yourself. A few seconds later, he relents.

“I can now add degree number six to my wall.” He confirms. Getting degrees doesn’t hold the same rush of pride for him now, the accomplishment feeling somewhat less exceptional as he acquires more of them, but the way your face lights up with pride for him reminds him how special the things he’s capable of can be. You’ve always made him feel like more than the sum of his parts somehow, like something infinitely more precious than he always assumed he is.

“I fucking knew it. That’s amazing, Spence,” you say, chest warm and full with pride and love, and his almost shy smile in return is enough to make a decision for you in a split second. Your hand dips into your back pocket, drawing something out, and you carefully hide it from view in your palm as Spencer tracks the motion curiously with his eyes.

Your eyes are shining with affection and something that looks like mischief and the way you’re smiling at him is more than enough to divert his attention as you step closer, just barely noticing as you slip something into his hand. You’re dangerously, distractingly close now, and he’s conscious, if somewhat distantly, that neither of you is concealed from the rest of the team, scant meters away in the seating area of the jet. But you’re smiling and close enough for him to feel your breath on his face and suddenly your lips are on his, and even after nearly seven months of being able to touch you like this, it’s enough to make him forget everything else as he melts into the contact, savouring the warmth of your skin and the faint smell of your shampoo.

You pull back a second later, the kiss over almost as soon as it started, but it’s enough to attract attention, and you can hear a belated ‘oh SHIT’ from Emily in the main cabin of the jet. In your peripheral vision, you can see money changing hands, your friends scrambling to react, but you don’t look at them, choosing to enjoy the bemused, affectionate look on Spencer’s face as his brain catches up to the events unfolding around the two of you.

“I was tired of keeping it a secret,” you say fondly, loud enough only for him to hear. “You win.”

Blinking in confusion, he finally tears his gaze away from yours, fingers uncurling to reveal the fifty dollar bill you had pressed into his palm right before you kissed him. The penny drops and he snorts with laughter, shaking his head in half hearted indignation as his other arm loops around you, pulling you in, letting you rest your head on his shoulder, hiding your face from the rest of the team as he kisses your temple, revelling in the way you wind yourself around him in response.

“I was gonna do this in like two days. I wanted you to win,” he murmurs against your hairline, and he can feel your faint laughter.

“Too bad, baby. I’m used to getting my way,” you say, pulling back to steal another quick kiss before peeling yourself out of his arms with a wink, turning to face the onslaught of ‘care to fucking explain that’ and ‘I fucking told you so’ from the rest of your friends, tugging him with you by your joined hands.

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