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missywritesfor7 · 9 months

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🌙Moon’s Light | JJK🌙

Synopsis: Luna is a young paralegal trying to maintain her new found independence and enjoy life. Too bad her job sucks and her boss is the worst. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she encounters a vampire named Jungkook who changes her life in more ways than one.

Jungkook is a shield and protector of the vampire kingdom of Korealis. He’s trained his entire life to block out any and all distractions and focus solely on becoming the strongest. While investigating a potential threat to the kingdom, he encounters Luna who turns out to be more than he could have ever imagined. It becomes his job to protect her, but he can’t tell if what he’s feeling is his devotion to the job or perhaps something deeper.

Secrets are uncovered. Lives are on the line. Hearts are tested.

Pairing: Vampire!Jungkook x Fem!OC

Warnings: Violence, character death, eventual smut, tragedy, some angst, strong language, MINORS DNI

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|| Ch. 50: Love ||

It’s said when a person is about to die their entire life flashes before their eyes.

Every smile and every tear comes flashing by. Every good deed and bad. Every accomplishment and every failure. A montage of the life being left behind. The segue from one chapter of existence to the next.

Jungkook had always loved trying new things ever since he was younger. He participated in whatever activity caught his eye at the time. Not only that but he always aced everything he tried. He bested all of the other kids in his Taekwondo class in elementary. His works would always attract the most attention when he was in art club. He even blew everyone away with his acting the one time he tried theater when he was in high school.

Everything he did came with the praise of so many people. His mother would treat him to anything he wanted and tell him how proud she is. Complete strangers would pay for his meals or buy him gifts because they were happy about whatever he happened to accomplish that week. His brother would take over his chores for a few days whenever he broke another record, and even Jin would show him mercy from the usual mischief at times.

Jungkook has always been surrounded by people who always showed him so much love and support. Everyone in the kingdom has done so at one time or another. Everyone except him.

For every accomplishment Jungkook added to his resume, there was Minseok pointing out every flaw he could think of. For every moment Jungkook smiled, Minseok found a hundred moments to make him frown. All Jungkook wanted was a father. A real father like his friends had. A father he would be happy to look up to, not be forced to look up to. A father that would teach him about love and relationships. A father who would talk him through his first real break up, not belittling him for having a girlfriend in the first place. A father who would encourage him to be whoever he wants to be, not a ventriloquist dead set on controlling his every move.

Over 300 years of Jungkook trying to be the best ever. Centuries of making every passerby proud, but not his father. He could still be happy with the support of everyone else, but for whatever reason he still wanted Minseok’s approval. He never knew why, he hardly questioned why until recently. He just felt like that was something he had to have. Something to have as proof that he’s truly accomplished something in his life. If he’s supposed to look up to his father then of course he would want his approval.

But he never got it.

Black belt in more than one concentration. Straight A’s. Youngest to ever get a gun license. Youngest to become the highest ranking shield in the royal guard. Winner of many talent shows thanks to his remarkable voice and crowd pleasing charm. Youngest and only one of three recipients of the Korealis Medal of Honor.

The Medal of fucking Honor.

It’s clear that nothing would ever satisfy Minseok. Knowing his end goal was for Jungkook to become king, there’s no way anything else would be enough. Not even for a pretend pat on the back.

300 years trying to please the most disgraced man in the kingdom. 300 years trying to please someone who was a traitor before he was even born. 300 years wishing he’d have a real father someday.

Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut for a second. His hand is gripping the doorknob to Minseok’s hospital room. He knows once he walks through that door that it will be the end. The end of everything between him and Minseok. The end between Luna and Minseok. The end between his mother and Minseok. The end between Minseok and the kingdom he tried to steal. The end.

He takes a deep grounding breath and finally opens the door. Minseok is laying in the hospital bed hooked to a single IV line. Jungkook is frozen a moment as he takes in the sight. He’s never seen Minseok look so weak and helpless before. He can hardly even recognize him with how frail and brittle he looks. It looks like nearly all of his life has been drained out of him and he’s left as nothing but a wrinkled shell of someone who’s worth no more than a handful of rocks.

“Jungkook,” Minseok strains to say. “Is that you?”

“Yeah,” Jungkook says stepping closer. “It’s me.”

“You came?” He tries opening his eyes wider but it’s still hard for him to see. Thanks to the spell Sunyoung put on him, his vision has been getting fuzzier each day.

“Yeah.” He approaches the side of the bed and takes a closer look at Minseok’s condition. “I heard you weren’t doing well.”

“I had been trying to reach you. Where have you been?” Even with his voice hoarse and nearly a whisper, he still manages to sound angry, whether intentional or not.

“With Luna.”

“Luna?”

“And mom.”

“Sunyoung?” Just the feeling of her name rolling off of his tongue makes Minseok cringe. “She did this.”

“Did what?” Jungkook tilts his head playing dumb.

“I know she did this. I know she used one of her spells to kill me.” He tries to shout but his voice can’t seem to get above a whisper.

“That doesn’t sound like something mom would do.”

“Look, I-“

“I want to ask you something,” Jungkook interrupts. “What moment made you most proud of me?”

“What?” Minseok asks confused by the suddenly random question.

“I’ve done a lot in my life. I’m just wondering which moment made you the most proud of me.” Jungkook’s face is expressionless as he stares down at the pitiful state of the one person he’s ever truly hated in his life.

“Jungkook,” Minseok coughs. “I’m not sure what you’re asking.”

“Pride.” He gently takes Minseok’s hand in his. “You know what that is. Pride. When have you felt it for me? What’s the one moment that made you the proudest father in the universe?”

“Jungkook, you’ve done a lot of things-“

“Which one sticks in your mind?” He asks gently massaging Minseok’s hand as he awaits his answer.

“All of them. Jungkook what-“

“No, you can’t say all of them,” he objects rubbing Minseok’s hand a little harder. “You have to choose a moment. Was it when I became the youngest to get a gun license? Or was it when I finished school early? Or maybe when I got the Medal of Honor just recently?”

“I don’t know, Jung-“

“Pick one! When were you ever proud of me?!” Jungkook angrily digs his fingers into Minseok’s palm causing him to wince.

“Jungkook, l-l guess all of them,” he stutters as Jungkook feels like he’s nearly about to break his fingers. “The Medal of Honor,” Minseok finally spits out. “It was when you received the Medal of Honor.”

“Really?” Jungkook asks in a lighter tone, though his fingers are still about to put a hole through Minseok’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We’ve already talked about this Jungkook.” Minseok huffs weakly. “What is this about?”

“I thought maybe it would be nice to have a story to tell at your funeral.” Jungkook’s nails dig deeper into Minseok’s flesh. “One where I could say regardless of everything that’s happened there was still a time when I made my father proud.”

“What?” Minseok starts to feel the fear rising inside of him.

“When did I make you proud?” Jungkook asks again, this time raising the temperature in his hands that are still giving Minseok the deepest palm massage he’s ever endured. “When did I even make you a little bit happy? When in my entire life did you think I did a good fucking job?!”

Minseok looks at Jungkook in horror. He’s unable to say a word as he squirms under the pain Jungkook is burning into his hand.

“Jungkook, please.” Minseok begs trying to move his hand away, but Jungkook is much too strong. “We can talk about this.”

“You think after all of these years that I’ve begged you to be a good father, I would show up here now wanting to talk?” Jungkook asks. “It’s far too late for us to talk now.”

“It’s not too late,” Minseok pleads.

“It was already too late when mom got to you.” He raises his temperature more and Minseok hisses at the burning pain.

“Is that why you’re here? To finish me off for her?”

“No,” Jungkook chuckles. “She doesn’t need my help, she’s already got you pretty fucked up enough. You want to know the truth? I thought I would come see if you’d beg forgiveness for stabbing me and everyone else in this kingdom in the back. I thought that being on your deathbed would bring some sense of remorse from you. I thought at the very least you’d convince me to get mom to lift her spell. You have no idea how badly I was hoping I would see a changed man when I opened that door.”

“Jungk-“ Jungkook cuts Minseok short by releasing his hand and quickly putting a tight, and very hot hold on his neck.

“You couldn’t even do the bare fucking minimum!” Jungkook growls. “You couldn’t even lie about a time I made you proud, you selfish prick!”

Minseok tries to speak but Jungkook’s grip is far too much. With the added heat being channeled into his hand, Minseok’s throat may as well be the center of a volcano. Despite his squirming and attempts to make a sound, Jungkook doesn’t let up.

“You’ve never said or done anything for me that was for anything other than your own benefit.” Jungkook can see the fear in Minseok’s eyes. He’s in control now and he’s not going to let up. Not until he’s satisfied.

“Jungkook please let’s talk about this,” Minseok strains to say.

“Fine,” Jungkook huffs taking his hand from Minseok’s neck. “Talk. Talk as if these would be your last words. Talk as if you won’t be remembered for anything other than these words.”

Minseok doesn’t say a word. He’s trying to catch his breath but Jungkook has no patience left.

“If you want to talk then fucking talk!” Jungkook shouts. His body is running hot. Hotter than it ever has.

“Jungkook, I know we haven’t had the best relationship. I know that we’ve had our differences throughout your entire life, but please,” he begs. “Don’t let your mother’s vengeance become you. You’re not like her, this isn’t who you are.”

“You have no idea who I am! You only know who you want me to be.”

“I only wanted to raise you to be the best you could be. I believed in your potential from the moment you were born.”

“No, you believed in using me since the moment I was born. That’s all you’ve ever done. You never cared about me. You never cared about any of the hard times I went through. Even the times I had a reason to be happy you didn’t give a shit! You’re not a father. You never were. You’re just a left over Saakhan pawn.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“No it’s not what I think, it’s what I know!” Jungkook pauses to take a breath then continues speaking more calmly. “You know, despite everything, I did learn something from you. My whole life you’ve only ever cursed the Saakhans because of what they had done. Any time the organization was brought up you would go into a rage and then tell me how evil they are. You would always tell me of the things they do and have done that has caused issues for the kingdom. You hate them. You’ve always hated them so I hated them too. You told me they were enemy number one for the kingdom. You said anyone associated with the Saakhans shouldn’t be allowed to live. You taught me how to hate. But you know what?”

Minseok looks on nervously. The fire in Jungkook’s eyes hasn’t gone down at all. The heat from Jungkook’s body can still be felt by Minseok although he’s not even touching him anymore. He can only lay there in his weak state and hope his son has mercy on him.

“You may have taught me how to hate,” Jungkook says leaning closer to Minseok’s terrified face. “But mom taught me how to kill.”

“Jungkook-“

“Shhh,” Jungkook takes Minseok’s hand again. “Tell me why I shouldn’t finish what she already started.”

“Jungkook, I-I don’t want this to be the end.” Minseok is trying his best to speak through the pain shooting through his hand from Jungkook’s scalding hot hold. “We can work this out.”

“You’re the very Saakhan snake you taught me to hate. What makes you think we can work this out?”

“Anything is possible, Jungkook.” Minseok is starting to sound desperate. The pain radiating through him is almost unbearable.

“You’re such a joke, Minseok,” Jungkook chuckles.

“What?” Minseok is taken aback by Jungkook calling him by name.

“I said you’re a fucking joke,” Jungkook repeats. “And I want you to beg for forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness?”

“Beg!” Jungkook shouts squeezing Minseok’s hand so tight it’s a surprise that it’s not broken.

“Please,” Minseok complies. “You’re better than this. You don’t have to do this. Think of your future. Think of everything that you’d be throwing away if you killed me. Your job and status would be gone just like that. Jungkook please, let’s talk through this.”

“That’s what you want your last words to be?”

“My last words?”

“I’ll give you one more chance because I’m feeling generous today. Go ahead, what do you want your last words to be?”

“I-“ Minseok hesitates. He isn’t sure what to say but his mind is frantically searching for something that will get Jungkook to at least release the excruciating hold he has on him. “I want us to start over. I know there’s a lot to work through, but we can do it, Jungkook. Please just give me one more chance.”

Jungkook stares at Minseok with a burning glare. There’s not a single moment of his life that he can think of that was a pleasant moment with Minseok. No moments of happiness. No warm hugs or comforting words. No birthday celebrations or Christmas activities. Not even a stop for ice cream after doing a good job on an exam.

“Good job,” Jungkook says in a low tone.

“What?” Minseok looks at him confused.

“Good job.” He holds Minseok’s hand as tight as he can. “Did you know that those two words are the hardest thing to say? At least it seems like it because you can curse the Saakhan name all day long, but those two words have never touched your tongue.” Jungkook begins to smirk. “You know that’s all I ever wanted from you? For you to tell me at least once that I had done a good job.”

“That’s all?”

“Yeah,” Jungkook laughs suddenly feeling amused. “Over 300 years waiting for you to say that. Isn’t that silly?”

Minseok looks on confused and more terrified at the way Jungkook is suddenly finding humor in this moment.

“You know when you truly love someone, you would do anything to see them happy.” Jungkook smiles. “Luna got into law school. She was afraid to say anything at first, but I know how much she’s wanted it. I told her I was proud of her and for whatever reason those little words made her light up like the human sun. Her smile made me so happy that I never wanted to stop telling her how proud I am. I thought she would get tired of hearing it, but she didn’t. I told her everyday and she smiled so big each time. I’ve never known that type of love. I didn’t even know that such a thing existed.”

Minseok is quiet but still uncomfortable from the pain that somehow has traveled from his hand all the way to his shoulder. He’s afraid to say a word because somehow Jungkook smiling fondly at this moment is more terrifying than when he’s shouting in anger.

“I could never understand why you would never say those words to me,” Jungkook continues. “It’s was so easy for me to say it to her. I guess I really do love her. It’s too bad that’s nothing you’ve ever experienced. I’ll be honest, it’s a pretty incredible feeling.”

Minseok is struggling to follow what Jungkook is saying. The only thing he can focus on is the pain that’s now spread across his chest and down his leg. He can’t help be squirm and grit his teeth hoping Jungkook lets up.

“Maybe in your next lifetime you’ll get to feel what it’s like to love and be loved.” Smoke is beginning to emit from Jungkook’s hands. He’s literally burning Minseok.

“Please,” Minseok begs.

“Oh,” Jungkook chuckles looking at his smoking hands gripping Minseok’s boiling skin. “My bad. Don’t worry, Minseok, I’ll take the pain away.”

He loosens his grip on Minseok’s hand but doesn’t let go. He cools the fire in his hands, but at the same time takes all feeling from Minseok’s body.

“As I was saying,” Jungkook continues as Minseok’s body slowly, and intentionally painfully, becomes paralyzed. “For the first time in my life I found a reason to be myself and to be happy doing it. It’s such a liberating feeling to have the people who mean the most to me tell me that they love me and are proud of the things I do. In the end they’re the only ones who matter to me. The only ones worth trying for. I protect this kingdom so people like them will continue to have a safe place to live. I protect the citizens not only because I vowed to, but because they’ve also shown me love and support and my way of repaying them is keeping their homes safe from threats. I protect this kingdom from any and all threats. You are the very type of threat I vowed to protect this kingdom from.”

It took a moment, but Minseok finally realized what Jungkook was doing. Everything from Minseok’s neck down has been paralyzed. He can’t feel the burn from Jungkook’s hand anymore, he can’t feel anything at all.

“You aren’t worth the punishment that comes from killing you.” Jungkook finally releases Minseok’s hand which falls limp to his side.

“Jungkook, wait.” Minseok is sounding much more desperate.

“What? You should be thanking me,” Jungkook scoffs. “You won’t feel any more pain. You’re lucky I’m willing to show you this much mercy.”

“Please, son-“

“You have no son!” Jungkook growls getting right in front of Minseok’s face. “I never had a father and you never had a son.”

“So this is it?” Minseok asks still unable to get his voice above a hoarse whisper. “You’re going to kill me?”

“No, mom is. She promised you, remember?” Jungkook chuckles then stands up straight. “I just wanted to make sure you won’t be able to fight what’s coming.”

Jungkook takes a step back and looks at Minseok’s pathetic face. The past 300 years playing through his mind as his old self is left with Minseok. His old rageful self is being left behind so he can finally feel like he can make a fresh new start. A new start filled with love, happiness, and support.

“Have fun in hell,” Jungkook smiles. He turns his back to Minseok and leaves the room feeling a thousand pounds lighter.

Jungkook can’t help but smile as he makes the walk through the hospital. When he steps outside he takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels like he’s breathing for the first time. He feels like he’s living for the first time.

Luna was restless and anxious the entire time Jungkook was inside the hospital. She eventually got out of the car and took her owl form to fly around the parking lot to keep herself from going crazy. As she’s making yet another lap around she sees Jungkook approaching his car. She quickly swoops down and lands in front of him.

“How did it go?” She asks as soon as she changes back to her normal form.

“Great!” Jungkook smiles.

“Really?” She’s skeptical since she knows how much anger and rage was boiling inside of him before he went inside. “What happened?”

“He’s going to die,” he says casually. “I got the answer I wanted from him. Now I can move on with my life.”

“Ok,” she nods slowly still a little confused. “What exactly did you do?”

“I told him about love,” he says wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a warm embrace. “I left all the anger and hatred that I’ve been carrying around in that room with him. It will die with him.”

He gives Luna a soft kiss followed by the biggest smile his mouth will allow. He kisses her again, lingering on her lips long enough to show her what happened. When he pulls back she can only look up at him speechless. Not because of the pain he inflicted on Minseok, or the way he was surprisingly able to face him with courage and confidence. She’s speechless about the things he said about her. About how he loves her.

“Babe,” Jungkook says. “I’m leaving all that shit behind. I want to focus on my future. Our future.”

He kisses her again showing her more moments. Moments when she made him smile. Moments when he thought he couldn’t possibly love her any more, but another moment would happen that would prove him wrong.

“I love you so much, Luna,” he smiles resting his forehead against hers.

“That’s LuLu to you, demon bunny,” she smiles kissing him once more. “I love you too, Jungkookie.”

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beann-e · 3 years

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I wrote ‘ thank you for 300 followers ‘ angst ☹️

you knew this was wrong you knew it yet here you were standing in front of the stadium your heart beating through the sweater you wore to fight off the cold you had

to fight off the tears

the heartbreak and not only that but the pure sadness you felt for yourself

you moved through the hallways as you took a deep breath hand steady on the door. You felt as the emptiness of the hallway washed over you

“ once you do that y/n your not only on bad terms with one of them but both “

You dropped your head as you heard kageyamas voice come out softly.

He knew right now what you didn’t need was insensitive comments he was sure you’d get those inside

“y/n just don’t go in “ you shuddered when he reached out his hand to grab your arms and pull you back but your grip only tightening on the door

“ fine your funeral “ he moved back hurt at the action walking inside the gym your body following as he held the door open for you. “ you won’t be alone— I mean yeah kind of because your like dead but, i’ll — i’ll go “

Small steps echoing through the now quiet gym as everyone had been cleaning up to end practice but now all stood staring down at you

‘of course right now they all have to be tall ‘

“ ah ah y/n —w-what are you doing here “

you slowly pulled your head up as you toyed with your backpack straps in anxiousness

“ yeah —y/n “ that annoying voice let out as you heard footsteps “ what are you doing here “

you bit you lip as you felt your hands go sweaty

‘ I have to answer him ‘

“ I just —yams can we talk please “

he looked around in nervousness as he shook his head up and down “ yeah y-yeah sure “

“ thank yo-“

“ well I think that it seems of lesser importance if you waited all day to tell him “

tsukishimas voice continued “ I mean school just let out —could of told him in class “

he stepped closer to you “ lunch —he was with you oh no wait you sat somewhere else “

his voice was questioning as you pressed your teeth harder into your lip “ or were you sitting on someone else “

“ tsukki “ yamaguchis voice came out in a squeal everyones body shaking as you felt people look to you and then back to the floor trying to save you the embarrassment

“ what their the one who’s clearly not being honest here “ his eyebrows tightned in disgust “ just fucking dump ‘em already they didn’t even come here to tell the truth “

“ yeah but they might have been willing to tsukki if you just “

“ if I what ? was nice about it like you are “

“ ye—“

“ that’s why your getting fucking cheated on right now yamaguchi “

your breath stopped as the room went even quieter you could feel your boyfriends eyes prickle with tears at the accusation “ I-“

your voice got cut off as yams spoke “ that’s not -why would — your your out of line “

“ i’m “

“ why else do you think their standing here — why they avoided you all fucking day “ he sighed “ yams come on don’t be so fucking dense over a s/o “

“ wait let’s talk about thi— “ sugawaras voice was civil as everyones pointed looks moved to him

“ please “ you cried tears already hanging off your lashes “ I—I didn’t cheat I didn’t “

you felt your body grow hot at the new tears and the warmth from someone’s eyes pressing down on your skin “ it wasn’t like that I just — please “

“ then what was it like because as far as I could tell “

“ no no we —we were just talking and I “

“ oh so sitting on someone else lap is talking — letting someone else feed you is talking —y/n how about cheering for someone else at a match your boyfriends on the same court as “

you felt your eyes go blurry “ tsukishima I didn’t — it didn’t feel like cheating just please “

“ it didn’t feel like cheating — then what did it feel like y/n ? because I know how it felt when my best friend was waking me up in the middle of the night in fear when he saw you getting your fucking face eaten at the summer vol-“

“ please I didn’t mean for it t—“

“ what y/n what ? everything I hear out of you is excuses—just own up to it already —that’s the least this new shitty person i’m looking at could do “

“ tsukishima let’s just “ daichi said trying to help calm the situation down “ it’s yamaguchi a — “

“ why do you care so much “ kageyamas voice came out in question as he sipped his milk

“ I mean it seems like it has more to do with them and Yamaguchi than you “

“ because I — “ he scoffed “ imagine getting woken up the whole time we were at the camp at 4 in the morning just to go with your best friend to watch his girlfriend kiss an asshole while he cries next to you—every single day for a week “

“ we—”

“ then they just lie the whole time even after they got caught In the act —I mean I got fucking proof —really “ he laughed “ it’s gotta be considered annoying at some point “

“ please i’m not lying he just “

“ who “ yamaguchis voice came out as you sucked in air “ please let’s just —let’s cut the s-shit who was it—we could never tell it was always so dark when you two met up “

your body dropped at the word he’d never cursed at you before

“ it was — “ you gulped you didn’t even know if the person actually liked you or if they were just doing it because you were the only real girl who spent the night in the same dorms due to lack of space but you liked him

you liked him enough to forget your own boyfriend

using the guy and the camp as if it were a spa retreat

How Had you messed up everything that brought you happiness in a short quick week

“ i’m so sorry “

“ you didn’t say the name “

“ what team “

“ a-aobi johesai “

his body stopped “ oika—“

“ THE GREAT KING “ hinata looked at you sadly “ I — I thought better of you y/n “

you cried more as tsukishima laughed “ yeah right not even him it’s someone else —even he wouldn’t stoop that low “

he looked down on you as he finally stood in front of you whispering “ what the fuck are you dragging this out for tell them who you cheated with— he’s not even ace “ his voice hurt you

“ he’s not captain he’s fucking— “

“ mattsukawa “

your body lifted as you let his name out

“ mattsukawa is who I was meeting with at night “

you let your bottom lip go as you took a deep breath heavy eyes now pulled up to meet everyone “ I didn’t mean for — I think he — I don’t know what happened one minute i was —we were sitting down and the next he wa—“

“ no “ kageyamas voice came out “ your the — “

you looked over at the tall male before directing your eyes to all the third years whos mouths were wide open

“ holy hell your the — your the person that everyone was talking about at the barbecue “

you felt your eyes drop

“ he — he talked about me“ your body fluttered

“ look at ‘em actually liking him “ tsukishima laughed scoffing at the end due to your small look of hope “ you still have a boyfriend y/n not for long but —seriously in his face”

“ uh y/n he “

“ no please I don’t —not here “ sugawaras voice came out caring “ let’s just tell them later “

“ no that’s not righ— “ asahis voice came out

“ he told everyone you were easy “ kageyama said as he crushed his milk box

“ he told everyone on that team that you were simple and that he swore he could get you easily boyfriend or not “

your body shook “ wha—huh — no you “

“ you were a bet y/n—nothing more ,nothing less “ kageyama stared you down eyes holding pain for you but, knowing this was your only chance to fix everything with yams if you knew the truth.

He knew the only way to get you out of this crush mindset was to be harsh

“ y/n we swear if we’d known he was talking about you we would’v-”

again sugawara was cut off eyes going straight to kageyama while his face held annoyance at the first year

“ he took a bet with some other asshole that he could —I don’t know what he meant but he said he could ‘tap that’ and if he could everyone on the team would owe him yen”

your heart fell and your body slumped “ I-I gave hi—I gave him everything “

“ everything ? “ daichis voice came out confused

“ y/n it was only a week long camp how did you? there wasn’t much to give “

your mind went blank as you felt your body grow cold eyes coming up to meet with a disgusted and hurt yamaguchi who stood in shock mouth wide open

“ y-y/n you didn’t “

“ i— I thought that —he talked me int—“

you watched as he moved quickly to the door the loud echo from the slam moving throughout the room

“ uh ? “ tsukishimas voice sounded confused as he lost what you meant not being able to decipher the situation anymore “ I don’t — I don’t get this part “

“ because you start shit tsukishima and don’t know the whole story “ kageyamas voice was crisp

you felt your legs turn to jelly as you back away from the rest of the males running out of the door and home pulling your phone out as you dialed the number you were given

“ yoohoo~ this is the fuckboy hotline how can he help you “

you could hear the laughs over the phone as mattsukawas voice came out in small protest in the background

Them finally calming down as oikawa spoke “ ok no but we’re in the middle of practice which one is this “

“ how much you wanna bet it’s the girl he talked to last match “

“ no no it’s gotta be the one from the market “

“ your all wrong it’s gotta be the person from camp “

they all laughed “ yeah right— that one had a boyfriend matsu-chan’s got no balls for that one “

“ even I know not to touch that one — tried it cause their hot but they weren’t interested in leaving the guy “ oikawas voice came out in a scoff “ y/n’s smart honestly —that’s why she’s with that nice guy cause she wants to be taken care of I doubt they gave in to an asshole like him “

“ but dude swear it they were all over him when he said that their boyfriend sent him to dump ‘em “

“ shit— you lie —they believed that “

“ I mean “ you could feel the shrug that took place over the phone

“ woke up with ‘em in the same room as us “

“ damn mattsu got the angel from camp “ you could feel oikawas pout

“ crap I really wanted her too anytime I tried they said they were happy with spotty boy “

iwazumis voice was questioning as you listened in breathing getting heavier “angel from camp ? what the hell— mattsu you played another one I thought I asked you to stop “

“ I-I did “

“ then who’s that “

your voice came out in tears as you spoke “ c-can I—can I please just talk to mattsukawa “

You just needed reassurance everyone was wrong they had to be —they were

he told you there was no one else that cared enough to tell you about yams cheating.

that yamaguchi trusted him to tell you because tsukishima hated you which, was totally believable after just now

that everyone was lying and he — he was right he had to be

“ holy shi— “ oikawas voice went high in a squeak as he heard the whimpers “ oh hell mattsu-chan —your doing extra spikes what’d you do —whoever this is their crying “

“ which one is it “

“ pl-please oikawa just its y/n just please — “

“ fuck fuck fuck — “ you heard mattsukawas voice come out in panic “ I—i’m not here “

your heart dropped

“ uh — hes not here we um“

“ who’s that which one is that “

you heard as oikawa tried to whisper in hopes you didn’t hear “ that’s— it’s the one he banged at camp for the dare— the crows manager — the freckled losers s/o “

“ t-they did it ? they —mattsu how’d you get that “

“ I just —I might’ve told ‘em their boyfriend didn’t want them anymore “

the team went silent “ i swear I didn’t expect anything other than a kiss so I could get my money but once I kissed em —I —I screwed up I went too fast and —you gotta get ‘em off the phone “

you could hear his panicking “ I took their virginity on accident i swear I swear—I swear “

your hand shook as cries poured from you hearing a louder scream ram into your ear form the other end of the phone

“ do you not feel ashamed “

iwaizumis loud voice rang out “ you—you asshole how dare you —how can you take something like that accidentally—how can you take that from them “

“ I swear I didn’t me—they were sad and i — I didn’t know how to help and we were already halfway there and— “

you heard as the phone dropped to the floor Iwas loud voice booming on the other line hearing the occasional grunt and shuffling on the floor

you ghosting your shaky thumb over the end call button until you felt someone else’s hand lead yours to the red button

your body relaxing when you felt the hand you’d always loved to hold

relaxing into his back that pressed against your backpack only to feel him move away and his warm hand leave your own your hand moving out to grab his again as you turned around

“ no y/n “ his voice was so soft it hurt “ no you don’t get that — you don’t get my comfort “

you couldn’t even argue head looking to the gravely road

“ y’know if anybody I would have thought it’d be tsukishima “ he laughed a little “ that’s what I was afraid of y’know the whole time we dated I was scared you’d leave me for him — i was insecure really “

he shook his head “ but you always reassured me telling me you didn’t see him that way you didn’t like him there was nothing to worry about with him— and I just “ he scoffed his hand running over his face In exhaustion “ I guess I should have asked about other guys and not my fucking best friend— shouldn’t have had such a closed mind to be jealous of my best friend should have been jealous of every guy that passed my view when I was with you “

“ yams n— “

“ please don’t make this harder than it needs to be “ your head rose up at his words finally seeing his red stained eyes and floppy hair that he’d fixed desperately to cover them “ your already making it hard by standing there looking just as beautiful as you looked the day I stammered my way through asking you out “

he smiled “ come here “ you moved over slowly to his arms as he hugged you tightly “ yams please I didn’t mean— he just —he told me “

“ I know I know “ he rubbed your back as you calmed down into him his body encasing your own like a teddy bear that you needed to cry into after a hard day

“ we can fix it and we can just work through this —I know “

“ yeah your right “

he kissed the top of your head continuing to rub your back the moment feeling calm. You’d known yamaguchi wasnt one to keep grudges nor was he one to be mean. So this wasn’t very surprising for you.

You were thankful that he’d give you another chance that you even had a boyfriend like that it was truly a blessing for you causing you to hug him tighter

“ we— we can work through this “ he pulled back to look at you a smile on your face as you looked up at him his own mouth quirking up

“ separately “ he rubbed your arms up and down in a way of comfort “ don’t come to the next travel match y/n “

your face and heart dropped all at once “ but— yams i’m — im a manager “

“ yes I know but — the only reason why you were one was because you were my s/o they made an exception we had enough we only needed two”

“ wh— “

“ I think it’s best if we just go our separate ways — meaning you don’t have to pretend to like managing the team anymore and I can try to suck up my feelings for you “

he stepped back as he wiped his face “ i’m sorry but —i’m tired of getting walked over I need to make boundaries for myself and other people“

you shook silently head threatening to blow off in the amount of pain you were sheltering as he nodded towards your front door “ go on “

you looked between him and your house

“ I still wanna make sure you get in safely “

he smiled softly as you walked to your door moving to open it after toying with the lock

his eyes still on you until you walked in the house to look through the window him nodding twice to the floor, and putting his hand over his heart before he looked to your window he knew you always watched him when he left after dropping you off

he finished by waving his hand and turning around to leave

your back hitting the door and falling to the floor quickly tears falling hard and fast

you weren’t crying because he left you

you weren’t crying because you’d cheated

you were crying because he still said he loved you in the hand signals you two created for each other and gave you the same goodbye he’d given you everyday for two years since grade school

108 notes · View notes

hskrealm · 4 years

Text

innocence (m.)

pairing: drag racer yoongi x reader

genre: fluff, smutsmutsmut. (this post took a turn i swear)

word count: 3.2k

warnings: overstimulation, PET NAMES SO MANY PET NAMES WHAT WAS I THINKING, fingering, oral (f receiving), cute shit, virgin!reader, yoongi is a bit persuasive, etc.

summary: your best friend wants to take your innocence in every possible way.

a/n: i wrote this MONTHS ago, and i literally forgot about it up until yesterday, or sometime before that? i was sad because I deleted it, but my bby @bitchyaus reblogged it after i posted it, and i have NEEEEVEEER been happier.

You hummed as you sat on your couch while scrolling through your social media feed and taking small bites of your favorite snack every now and then.

It was only 7:09. You’d usually find something to occupy yourself every day until 8:00 on the dot (although he’d come early sometimes, but that wasn’t often), which was when Yoongi would come knocking on your door with a new story to tell and to raid your fridge of whatever he could find.

If necessary, you’d tend to the few bruises his beautiful face would sport.

Once he was comfortable enough to tell you what his occupation was, you cringed the moment you imagined him sitting behind the wheel of a vehicle, pushing 200 to nearly 300 miles on a daily basis.

You begged him to consider something safer, to which he responded with a small smirk,

“I’ve been doing this years before I even met you. If I’ve managed to keep myself in good condition for this long, then I’m sure that you have nothing to worry about.”

This had become a repetitive cycle in the short year that you had known him. He’d shoot you a text before he went out for the day, and come speeding back to your place once he was let off of work.

Or–when he let himself off, rather. He never really was the type to follow rules anyway.

You smiled fondly at the thought of seeing his gummy smile sometime in the next hour.

You checked your phone again.

7:14.

Well, 46 minutes to be exact.

You sighed and tossed your head back against the couch cushions as you tried to register what about this man had you so whipped for him.

Could be the fact that he was a sweetheart when it came to you,

Or it could also be the fact that he looked so fucking hot driving those cars despite how much you hated seeing him behind the wheel.

Or, it could be that he had really, really pretty hands–

There was a loud knock at your door. It carried the same loudness that Yoongi’s carried.

Okay, you have really got to find yourself a hobby.

The person knocked twice, and then there was a three second pause before the last and final knock came.

You grinned as you rushed over toward the door.

There was his signature knock that he had given himself sometime a few weeks ago.

He suggested that he should have a special knock so you knew it was him, although you told him multiple times that no one other than him or your best friend came to visit.

He still wouldn’t let up even then, muttering something about how it would be the safest measure. You then (jokingly) proceeded to tell him he knew nothing about safety, which led him to tell you about all of the safety precautions people in his profession must take before even considering driving one of those high speed cars.

He couldn’t take a joke, but that was alright. You loved him anyway.

You took a quick glance through the peephole just to make sure it was him before you unlocked the door.

As usual, he rushed in and threw his bag to the ground before making a beeline to your kitchen.

“Nice to see you too.” You smiled a bit, closing the door back and locking it behind yourself.

“I shouldn’t have to greet you anymore when I enter.” He spoke, although his voice was a bit muffled since he was bent over as he shuffled through your fridge.

“It’d be nice, though.” You sighed dramatically as you walked back over to your couch and flopped onto it.

“Sure.” He shrugged, returning from the kitchen to take his spot next to you on the couch as he always did.

“Hello, Princess.” He smirked, laughing at the way you rolled your eyes and looked away from him.

He’d called you that for forever now, and you’d be a terrible fucking liar if you were to say that it didn’t make your pussy clench.

He knew that it did, too, which was why he said it.

“Did you do something productive today?” He asked, as he took a bite out of one of the strawberries out of the bowl that he quickly prepared for himself.

“I did some school work earlier.” You shrugged, gesturing toward your closed laptop that sat on the arm of the couch closest to you.

He hummed, nodding approvingly.

“Good girl,” He noticed the way that your body shivered at his praise. He always talked like this, but for some reason it was really having an impact on you right now.

“Have you eaten something filling today?” You bit your lip.

You hadn’t had a ‘meal’, but you had some pretty filling snacks. You just weren’t in the mood to cook anything, or even order something.

There was no point in lying to him either, because he could see right through you.

“Depends on what the word filling means.” You responded, as if this wasn’t a question that he asked you everyday.

Yoongi narrowed his eyes at you and set the bowl of strawberries down on your coffee table before quickly reaching over your thighs to grab the bag of chips that you had been snacking on before his arrival.

His hand brushed over the exposed skin of your legs, causing you to gulp. He was always a forward person, but never this forward.

“This isn’t a meal, ____ . “ He scolded, and you rolled your eyes.

“I know, but I can promise you that I am satiated.” Yoongi shook his head in disbelief.

“You hungry?” He asked, cocking his head to the side as he stared into your eyes with his arms crossed.

“Nope.” As if on cue, your stomach growled.

“Mhm.” He mocked, handing you the bowl of strawberries before standing up.

“What are you doing?” You asked, confused as to why he was suddenly up on his feet.

“I’m about to cook you something, little girl.” He rolled his eyes as he walked into the kitchen.

“Yoongiiii-“

“In the mood for pasta? You’ve got all of the ingredients I’d need to make you some alfredo.” You groaned.

“My stomach growls all the time! I’m not hungry, I swear.” He was already pulling out pots and pans from your cupboards as your voice went through one ear and out of the other.

“Suck on those strawberries with those pretty lips of yours while I cook this, hm?” He said, leaning against the kitchen counter with his elbows resting against it.

“I don’t want the straw–”

“I already put the noodles in the pot, so you’re shit out of luck.”

———

Yoongi had been in the kitchen for half an hour while you caught up on your favorite Netflix series.

You should’ve just lied and said yes. He was going through way too much trouble for you.

“Alright,” He began, as he finally left the kitchen.

“Should be good to eat in a few minutes.” He slid back onto the couch.

“Mind if I use your laptop to check my stats? I’m sure they’ve gone up.” He bragged. You playfully rolled your eyes and handed him your laptop, before directing your attention back to your TV.

Yoongi began typing away for a few minutes, until his fingers paused, his eyes grew wide, and he choked on air.

“What? Those stats not what you expected them to be?” You laughed, Yoongi turning his head to look at you before clicking on a tab at the top of the screen and pushing the laptop in your direction.

“What– Oh my God, give me that!” You yelled, Yoongi easily fighting off your efforts to grab the laptop away from him by shoving his arm against your chest.

“Are these your nudes?” He asked, although it was painfully clear that they were.

Yoongi smirked at the way you began to blush profusely.

Holy shit, you were going to die of embarrassment.

‘Play it cool.’ You thought to yourself.

“Yeah? So what if they are?” You used this opportunity to snatch the laptop away from him and close the tab, before shutting the laptop off and setting it on the coffee table where the empty strawberry bowl was.

Yoongi raised an eyebrow, taken aback by your response.

“Clearly you don’t seem to mind.” You smirked, gesturing to the bulge forming in his pants.

He dropped the smirk on his face as he inched closer to you. You reflexively backed away from him.

“You talk pretty big for a virgin, sweetheart.” He growled. Your stomach fell to the bottom of your ass at his words.

You weren’t sure of what to say.

“Uh, I never told—“

“You’d be surprised of what you tell me when you’re drunk.” He reached forward to twirl a strand of your hair around his pointer finger before tucking it behind your ear, as if he had done this to you before.

“Since we’re letting secrets go, you should know that I’ve thought about fucking you plenty of times.” He hummed, as he traced your jawline with his fingers.

“You haven’t got any idea of what thinking about stripping you of your innocence does to me, sweetheart.”

Your chest began to rise and fall rapidly.

“I know that you’d let me, too.” He slowly pushed you backward until your back hit the couch.

“You would let me, wouldn’t you?” He looked into your eyes, waiting for your approval before he took anything further.

You thought about it.

Did you really want to lose your virginity to this sexy drag racer that you’ve grown to become best friends with over the past year?

Hell yes.

“Yes, yes I’d let you.” You stuttered, causing him to groan at your admittance.

He was going to corrupt you more and more day by day before you even realized it.

And fuck, he couldn’t wait.

“Hmm.” He hummed against your skin, as he nudged your head to the side so he could expose the skin of your neck.

He quickly began to suck love bites against the skin, eager to cut straight to the chase in order to get a taste of that perfect cunt that was spread wide in that picture.

“How far have you gone, baby?” He asked, as he tugged your shirt up over your chest and kissed his way around your breasts.

“I–I’ve, fuck,” You moaned, as he sucked one of your nipples into his mouth.

“I’m sorry, you’ve done what?” He mumbled against your hardening bud. You whimpered.

“I-I’ve masturbated with a toy.” Yoongi detached his mouth from your nipple.

“That’s all?” You nodded shyly.

“Fuck, you’re going to be the death of me.” He hungrily kissed down the rest of your body, stopping right above the band of your shorts.

“I’ve got to taste you to get you prepared to take me. Is that alright?” He wasn’t lying. It would help you adjust to his size a bit easier, but it was mostly for his own personal pleasure.

You nodded, and he wasted no time in tugging down your shorts and panties in one swift motion.

“Oh my God.” He nearly whimpered at the sight of your untouched pussy. You began to close your legs as he stared down at your most intimate areas, which prompted him to roughly throw one of your legs over the back of the couch so you were forced to keep yourself spread for him.

“Don’t ever do that again.” He warned. You nodded, murmuring an apology as he laid himself flat against the couch and pulled your hips closer to his face.

He breathed shakily against your core. You began to writhe in his hold as his cool breath hit your exposed pussy lips.

“Are you sure about this, baby? We could stop this at any moment.” He asked for the final time. It made you smile that he continued to ask you if this was really what you wanted.

“I’m sure. Please–oh, shit!” You yelped. Yoongi hadn’t even let you finish your sentence before he had his lips wrapped around your clit.

Your hands hesitantly tangled in his hair, as you were uncertain if he was okay with you touching him or not.

He sensed your hesitation and moaned in approval as you testingly tugged at his blonde locks.

His moan vibrated against your core, causing you to buck your hips up toward his face.

He grunted at this, using one of his arms to pin you down to the couch by your stomach, while his other arm pushed your flailing leg away from his face so he had more access to his meal.

“So good, baby. So fucking good,” He growled into you, his cock growing harder underneath him as more of your juices began to gush onto his face.

You didn’t know how it was possible, but he managed to pull you even closer to him as he licked a long stripe from your dripping hole back up to your clit, before he dipped his tongue inside of your clenching cunt and (quite literally) fucked you with his tongue.

You were a mess above him, your hair matted and stuck to your sweaty forehead as you relished in the feeling of his tongue collecting every drop of your arousal.

“‘M gonna cum, so fucking close, please please–” You begged him with your eyes closed. He took a glance up at you, wanting to watch you come undone on his tongue.

“SHIT!” You screamed, the euphoric bliss of your first orgasm knocking the wind out of you.

Yoongi hummed and pulled his tongue out of you, slipping two of his fingers into his mouth before lining them up with your cunt.

“You with me, babygirl?” He asked. You opened your eyes so you could see him, but you immediately closed them again ad he slid his digits into your wet hole.

“Ughh, oh my fucking God!” You let out a broken moan, tears welling in your eyes from the overstimulation.

“Hey, you’re okay, hm? I need to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible if you’re still willing to take my cock.” His words were caring, although there was a bit of cockiness behind them, almost as if he knew that you still would be in at least some pain from the stretch.

The thought alone excited him.

“Just a little bit more, okay? Hold out for me.” You were about to protest, when he pressed his hand against your lower stomach and began to piston his fingers in and out of you like a machine.

He curled them perfectly against that little spot inside of you that had your eyes rolling toward the back of your head, and your toes curling in pleasure.

Your mouth fell open in a silent scream as you came for the second time within a five minute span.

Yoongi left you to yourself for a moment as he hastily tugged his jeans down, not wanting to waste time to pull them off completely.

He was so eager to have your little cunt pulsing around him.

He fished around in his back pocket for a condom. He was thanking himself mentally for forgetting to take it out the last time he wore those jeans a few weeks ago.

“Could you be a doll and roll this on for me, baby?” He tore the wrapper open with his teeth and quickly tossed it aside as he handed you the slippery thing.

You took it with shaky hands, still not completely over your last two orgasms as you gently grabbed his cock and spread the condom over it.

“Oh, fuck.” He growled, the feeling of your little hand spreading over his throbbing dick enough to make him cum right there.

He desperately needed to be inside of you.

He grabbed his cock and began to rub circles around your clit, the small action making you gasp for air because of how sensitive you already were.

“Think you can still handle me?” You looked up at him. He wasn’t smirking, but you could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Mhm, j-just please, be gentle.” You whimpered, and Yoongi nodded as he lined himself up with your entrance.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

For now.

He pushed just the tip into you, instantly catching your lips with his to prevent any sound of discomfort from leaving your mouth.

“Ready for some more?” He asked sweetly, as he pressed his forehead against yours. You winced, but nodded anyway.

He pushed the rest of his cock into you inch by inch, attempting to nullify the pain a bit by leaving kisses along the side of your neck and jaw.

“You’re taking me so well, ____.” He sat still for a moment, letting you adjust before he rocked his hips slightly.

He looked at you for approval, and when you nodded once he began to set a slow, steady rhythm with the pace of his thrusts.

“‘M not gonna last long, baby. You’re squeezing me so tight, I can barely fit my cock through.” You weren’t sure what it was about the way that he was talking to you, but it just made you clench around him even harder as he began to pick up speed.

“I need you to cum with me, Princess. Can you do that for me?” You nodded eagerly, already on the brink of insanity.

He licked his thumb and brought it down to your clit. You squeaked, and he grunted above you as he tried to ease himself inside of you without hurting you.

“Now, cum now.” He ordered, his arms shaking as he held himself up above you to prevent from collapsing on top of your chest.

You came with your mouth held open in a silent moan, your legs spasming around Yoongi’s waist as he slowly pulled out of you.

The corruption was only beginning.

“Hungry? I’m sure the food is plenty cool now.” You laughed breathlessly at his lame joke, as you covered your face with your hands while trying to catch your breath.

“I’ll go grab some for you, but I’ve got a question for you first.” He paused. “No, wait, two actually.” You glanced at him.

“Go for it.” You said, voice hoarse.

“Would you let me take you out sometime? I mean, on a real date?” You scoffed.

“I thought you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend or something.” You laughed. He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I was.” You froze.

“I backed out, though.”

“I mean, I would’ve said yes.” He snapped his head toward you.

“You would have?” You nodded, a small smile on your face.

“In that case, will you be my girlfriend, then?” You giggled at his shy demeanor, a complete 180 from how he handled you just a few minutes ago.

“Yes, I will.” He leaned down to peck your cheek.

“My last question...”

“Yeeeees?” You encouraged him to continue.

“Why are your nudes on your laptop anyway?”

“I hate you.”

tag list! let me know if you want to be on it. (you could send me a message, an ask, or just comment under this fic)

@bitchyaus @dontaskshhhhh @taesluttt @1-in-abillion @designjet @peachy-bhun @patpus @koracynthia120 @safi4x @lcnycto @someonewhowannadielol @dreamingsmile @rinastylesworld @fan-ati--c @sincemalik @bts-bay-bee @cestlaviecia @jeonjungkookiiee @bunny-kix03

#blkjmn #bts smut #yoongi smut #yoongi fluff #yoongi x reader #yoongi imagine #yoongi au #min yoongi smut #min yoongi fluff #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi imagine #min yoongi au

1K notes · View notes

tamakissimp · 4 years

Text

headcanon- secretly rich s/o

request: @rayanicaraynbow Hi! This might be a little weird, but could I get headcanons for Todoroki, YaoMomo, Shinsou, and Jiro with a s/o that is the child of a pro hero/someone who's just generally rich, but they have a different last name than their rich parent, so nobody knows their rich. I'm not sure if this is *too* specific or not specific *enough*. If not, that's fine, it was just a random 1 AM thought, and I couldn't find a rules list if there was one. I love your blog btw! :)

a/n: I wrote Shouto’s differently because this boy 100% has a rich people radar. idc it’s true.

TODOROKI:

He'll probably know that you're rich before you tell him. He most likely saw you at a 'rich people' party when he was younger.

He knows how much it sucks to be judge by your parents' name so he'll ignore the topic of your family all together.

Shouto thinks it's cute and sad at the same time how much you try to hide your wealth.

He loves how nonrich you act. Going to thrift shops as dates, always sharing bills, checking price tags, not always getting name-brand stuff.

He loves how normal he feels around you. No pressure to go out to fancy restaurants. You tow can just make a nice homecooked meal.

Absolutely adores the low maintenance dates. You two can go for a walk in the park and call it a date.

You've already gone through your 'allowance' (while you have a couple hundred thousand in your bank account) and still need a sweater. He'll use this as an excuse to gift you his clothing. Seeing you in his shirts makes his heart do summersaults.

"Shouto.". The half-and-half boy turns around at the sound of your voice. His hearts warm up at the sight of you, a big smile plastered on your cheeks while you hold a shirt in front of you. "Look how cute this is! And it's only 300 yen.".

Shouta walks over to you and presses the shirt against you slightly. He tries to imagine how it would look on you. "It's pretty," he says. "But it'll look even prettier on you.". You give his chest a playful swat as you hide your face behind the shirt. "What, it's true.".

"You are a flirt, mister," you say before twirling around and walking to the changing rooms in the thrift shop. Shouta doesn't know what he's feeling. Maybe it's love, maybe it's happiness, maybe it's longing. He doesn't know. All he knows is that he's hooked on how domestic things like going shopping together feel. How normal everything feels. He isn't Shouto Todoroki, son of Endeavor. You aren't Y/n Y/L/n, child of one of the richest family in Japan.

No, you're just Shouta and Y/n. Just a young couple wanting to spend their afternoon together.

MOMO:

She is very rich herself. Even though she should be able to recognize a fellow rich person, she doesn't.

She always pays when you go out to eat, she buys you the most extravagant gifts while yours are just average.

You even got a job, not wanting to solely rely on your parents' money.

Every time she offered to pay for something or gift you something, you had to stifle your laughter. Her intent is kind and sweet but at the same time useless. You could easily buy all the stuff she gifts you yourself.

You like to DIY stuff with her. Upcycling old clothing, tailoring thrift shop clothing, mixing broken items. You make it a bonding experience for both of you.

If she thinks that you're on the poorer side than she'll spoil you to death. Either with basic things like your favourite snacks or with that shirt she's seen you eyeing in the store.

She had no clue about your wealth so when she found out, she was perplexed.

It isn't weird for Aizawa to take attendance, though he forgot to do so most of the times. "Bakugou," he says. Bakugou grunts in response. You and Momo are too caught up in your own hushed conversation to pay attention to what the teacher is saying.

"Tanaka," Aizawa says. Fuck. Your attention is suddenly turned to the teacher. Students look around themself for the said Tanaka. "Oh, sorry. Y/l/n.". You raise your hand and drop it back down the second Aizawa acknowledges your presence.

You turn back to Momo. Her jaw has dropped and she's looking at you with wide eyes. "You're a Tanaka?". You nod at her question. Everyone knew the Tanaka's. They're the richest family in Japan, owning multiple renown hero agency.

"Yeah," you say as you awkwardly scratch at the back of your neck. "But I go by my father's name.". Momo nods. She understands the pressure of being seen as the 'rich kid'. The assumptions people make about you just because of your financial status.

"Don't worry," she says. "You're still Y/n to me.". You smile at her before continuing your conversation. God, how did you get lucky enough to end up with someone like Momo?

SHINSO:

Shinso never cared about how much money you had or how little. All he cared about is that you're with him. That you don't judge him for his quirk.

So he never noticed the few designer pieces of clothing you had mixed between your wardrobe. Or the fact that you always had the newest model phone on the market.

He thought that you were just being kind and wanted to treat him when you offered to pay the bill whenever you went out to eat.

When you were younger, you tried to hide who your mother was more but as you went older and went to the U.A, you started to accept it more.

So, when Shinsou found out you're the child of a pro-hero, saying he's shocked is an understatement.

Guest speakers come every often. At least once a week, the school arrange a pro-hero to come and give the class a pep talk or give them tips. Due to this, you knew that it was only a matter of time before your mother would be standing before your class.

"I'll pick you up at your dorm.". You read over your mother's text a hundred times. Even though you weren't the one who's going to be standing in front of a class full of hyperactive, overly excited students you're still nervous. You tap your foot against the floor as you bit your nails.

"Y/n!". You turn to your left. You see your mother standing in the elevator, waving at your happily before mentioning you to come over. You take quick steps towards her. The moment you're within arms-reach she pulls you in for a hug. "I missed you. Have you gotten taller?".

You swat her hand away as she tries to ruffle through your hair. "A little. And I missed you too.". The elevator doors close and you two start to move downwards. You tell your mother all about your class but your conversation is interrupted when the elevator stops and another person enters.

"Baby?". You look up as you see your boyfriend standing before you. His eyes wander from you to the pro-hero, your mother, standing beside you. He bows slightly to her before standing beside you.

"Is this the boy you've been telling me about?" your mother asks as she nudges your side. Your cheeks heat up as you nod your head. "He's handsome!". You look over at Shinso, who's eyes are wide. He tilts his head as you can almost see the gears in his hand turning.

You smile at him. "Shinso, this is my mom," you say. With that his jaw drops. Sure, he saw how much you two looked alike but he didn't think much of it. His mouth opens and closes a couple of times as he tries to think of what to say.

"You didn't tell him about me?". You shake your head at your mother's question. The elevator doors open against and your mother quickly slips out of the it, leaving you and a barely functioning Shinsou behind.

You lace your fingers through Shinsu's and pull him out of the elevator. "You're.....She's your mom?" he asks. You nod while keeping your eyes fixed on the ground. Will he judge you? Will he be mad that you didn't tell him? "Huh, never would have guessed.". You're taken aback by his cheery tone but your confusion doesn't last long as Shinso drags you along with him to your classroom. Well, that went smoother than you imagined.

JIRO:

Much like Shinsou, she doesn't care about your wealth. She doesn't care about your money. All she cares about is that you love her.

She'll start to grow suspicious when you buy concert tickets and new instruments for her like it's nothing but she won't bring it up.

Jiro will probably try to 'compensate' with your gifts and goes out of her way with cute dates and romantic gestures.

She doesn't say a thing about your wealth until you gift her a new guitar for the third time.

And when she accidentally sees your true last name on a letter your parents send you, she's surprised. You, her Y/n who's she's been with for so long, is filthy rich.

"Surprise," you say as you push the beautifully wrapped box towards her. Jiro quirks up her brow as she carefully rips the patterned paper of the box. She opens it to reveal a new guitar.

She recognizes the model. You've seen her eying it for a week now. Your heart warms up as you see a smile spread across her lips. "Again?" she asks. You nod.

"I couldn't help myself," you explain. "I wanted to hear you play on it.". Jiro just shakes her head with a smile as she continues to unbox the instrument.

You watch her intensively as she places the now fully unwrapped guitar next to her older ones. It stands out. It's shinier than the others. "How do you afford this?" she says. "A guitar is like 60,000 yen.". You just shrug as you pull her towards you.

"Oh, it's...inheritance.". You feel bad for lying straight through your teeth but you don't know who she'll react if she finds out about your family. You plaster on a smile.

"I saw the letter," she says. Your blood runs cold. Maybe she saw a different letter. Yeah, it must have been. "I don't care about your family.". Oh crap. She definitely read the letter.

Your smile falters a bit. Jiro notices and cups your cheeks. "Is something wrong?" she asks. Her voice calms you down a bit. You just shake your head.

"No, I just..." you say. "I just thought you might...act differently when you found out.". She shakes her head and plants a kiss on your forehead.

"God no, you're still my Y/n," Jiro says.

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babymetaldoll · 4 years

Text

The bullies of the future (Matthew Gray Gubler/Reader)

Prompt: Imagine school in 300 years

Word count: 2,8K

Summary: Matthew starts rambling about the future over dinner. How do you think school will be in the future... will there be bullies... will our kids be bullied. All the questions reader has no idea how to answer.

Pairing: Matthew Gray Gubler/ Reader

Category: Fluff

Warnings: mention of bulling and cursing

Masterlist

- “I'm just saying, when we have kids, they are going to be homeschooled”- Matthew kept stirring the pot and (Y/N) continued chopping veggies, like what they were talking about was no big deal at all.

Of course, 'cos you and your boyfriend of seven years just happen to talk about your future together every once in... seven years, apparently. And it had to happen casually as you cooked dinner together.

So, (Y/N) took a deep breath and played it cool.

- “Home school? you wanna get our kids tutors?”

- “No, no! god no!”- he made a pause and analyzed the idea- “Well, maybe... I don't trust my math, but I was thinking maybe we could both be in charge of their education.”

Matthew was talking about it like it wasn't a big deal. It was: "Which topping do you want on your pizza today, by the way, let's have kids and homeschool them together!". No biggie, right?

- “Other than the fact we were both bullied in school, why do you want to keep them in our little house bubble all day?”- (Y/N) made her best to sound as casual and cool as possible, though she was freaking out inside.

- “'Cos school sucks”- Matthew simply replied, and both of them fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

- “I wonder what school will like in 300 years”- Gubler was thinking out loud, and (Y/N) found herself staring at the ceiling analyzing the idea.

- “I bet it will still suck”- she added and heard him chuckle.

- “And of course, aliens will be the teachers”- he stated and nodded at his own words- “Maybe they can "ET" us, and put all the knowledge inside our brain just with a finger on our forehead.”

- “So you wanna be fingered by an alien in school?”- (Y/N) looked at her boyfriend and frowned pretending to be confused, but making her best not to laugh. He, on the other hand, was laughing so hard she was sure the whole neighborhood could listen.

- “When you put it in those words... I don't know... maybe if they are hot aliens...”

- “I hope they are cool aliens, not the ones who always try to blow up Earth, or end with humankind”

Gubler stared at his girlfriend, she was taking the dough she had already made and had to rest, and started getting ready to prepare their pizza.

- “Is the salsa ready, Gub?”- he nodded and turned off the stove.

- “Do you think there will be bullies in school 300 years in the future?”- the tone of his voice was a little more serious, (Y/N) noticed it right away. Maybe that's where all the homeschooling idea was coming from.

- “It's more likely, people are and will be assholes forever, why?”- he shrugged and moved to the kitchen island, holding the pot with the tomato sauce he had prepared (it was his own personal recipe, and he was proud of it. It might or may not be taken from (Y/N)'s mom, but that was a fight he was never going to quit).

- “Hon, you know you can't keep kids in a bubble just to stop them from being hurt”

- “I know”- he whispered and focused on (Y/N)'s hand kneading the dough. Somehow, cooking with her felt like a place he could hide in.

If he was honest - which he was in his mind, but no as verbally as people might think- he could spend the rest of his life eating everything and anything that she cooked for him. He could gain a hundredth pounds, and he wouldn't care, he loved her home cooking, 'cos it was in fact, his home.

They had been seven years together, and he was now all of a sudden talking about kids. He didn't understand where that thought was coming from, but he knew he was sure she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It wasn't something he had to think about, it was something he felt on the inside every morning when she was the first thing he saw, as soon as he opened his eyes.

- “Wanna talk about what this is really about?”- her words took him from his thoughts, but he shook his head in silence- “Then pick a movie, I'll put the pizza in the oven and we'll be ready in twenty minutes.”

Matthew picked the original Carrie movie for their Saturday lazy date night, and they cuddled on their couch to watch it eating their homemade pizza. They chatted about all their favorite scenes and laughed at the poor special effects, but by the end of it, after an obscene amount of food and a bottle and a half of red wine, Matthew couldn't shake the bully's thoughts away.

- “Would you go all Carrie with your high school bullies if you could?”- his voice was a soft whisper as (Y/N) turned off the tv and the screen went black.

- “I don't think so... I wanted to when I was in school, but I don't think I care so much right now... although who knows what might happen if I get to see one of those assholes again”

The girl turned to her boyfriend, her legs laid on his lap as he sat next to her, covered with the same blanket. He knew he had to admit it, but there was a part of him that kept thinking maybe if he didn't talk about it, it hadn't happened.

- “I bumped into one of my bullies today”- he looked down at his hands, playing with a napkin as he spoke. He didn't want to turn his eyes to her 'cos he knew she would be scared and concerned. Which she was. She couldn't believe something like that had actually happened.

Matthew openly talked about his bullying experience in school in a positive and inspiring way, to help people under the same kind of situation face it and overcome it. But he never let anyone close enough to his trauma so they could understand how bad things had been for him. And it had been bad. The fact no one could call him "Matt", though it was the "go-to" nickname for Matthew was just the tip of that iceberg.

(Y/N) knew most of it after all that time, that's why it shocked her to know her boyfriend had bumped into someone from that dark era of his life.

- “Who?”

- “Chris Sanders...”- Gubler wished he could forget that name, but it was not possible. He didn't have an eidetic memory like his character Reid, but the trauma of years of bullying wasn't easy to erase.

- “Where?”

- “At a coffee shop this morning when I was out getting groceries... it was weird”

- “I bet it was”- (Y/N) moved closer to her boyfriend, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his cheeks several times- “Do you want me to kill him? ask me to kill for you, Gubler, please do”

She joked and managed to make him chuckle. But it only lasted for a second.

- “I know I have to be the bigger man, but I couldn't”

- “You don't have to be anything, honey”- (Y/N) leaned to him and kissed his cheek a few times. Matthew closed his eyes and sighed, the sensation of her lips against his skin was enough to relax him. But the memories he had buried were too clear in his head now, and there wasn't much he could do to wipe them off.

- “He put me in a fucking locker every day for a whole year”- Gubler closed his eyes tighter and held his breath for a few seconds.

- “Son of a bitch!”- just thought of her boyfriend going through that torture as a kid, hurt (Y/N) deeper than she could explain. She would give anything and everything she had, to travel back in time and kick those mother fucker's bully asses.

- “And today, he approached me like we were long lost friends”- Matthew scoffed- “Can you believe that? he walked to me and hugged me yelling "Matt" like I should be surprised and happy to bump into him!”

- “That asshole! and what did you do?”

- “I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and stayed still for a second, and he continued talking and talking about how great he was doing, and how he had seen me on tv, and... I tried to get my coffee and run away, but one thing he said just... made me snap.”

- “What did he say?”- (Y/N) whispered. Matthew sighed and looked down at his hands. Somehow, he felt guilty about what had happened, somehow he felt responsible for being mean to someone who had been cruel to him for years.

- “He said he saw an interview of me thanking every bully for being mean to me, 'cos they made me who I am today...”- Gubler whispered every word, and (Y/N) held his hands, trying to make him feel safe.

- “You did say that, I remember”

- “Yeah, but I was trying to be a positive... he just...”

Matthew was struggling with his words. He was trying to clear his head, but he was so mad, so upset, so... angry with himself for accepting the abuse for so many years, he couldn't think straight.

- “Hey, hey!”- (Y/N) leaned and kissed the tip of his nose- “I'm here, you are home, everything is ok, so come back”- she smiled at him and watched him smile shyly.

- “Yeah... I'm here”- he moved closer to her, and slowly rested his head on her shoulder. (Y/N) instinctively wrapped her arms around his body, and held him close to her, protecting him from his thoughts.

The couple stayed in silence for a few minutes. Matthew didn't want to make a big deal out of the whole thing, but deep down inside, he had bottled up so many feelings, he was having a hard time hiding them from his girlfriend.

- “He said I owe him”- Gubler murmured so quietly, (Y/N) barely heard him. He was hidden in the crook of her neck, trying to focus only on the smell of her skin instead of all the thoughts that kept hunting his mind.

- “What?”- his girlfriend whispered and clenched her fists behind his back. Of all the things she could have imagined that asshole telling her boyfriend, "you owe me" wasn't one of it. It wasn't even in the top 10. "I'm sorry I was a mother fucker with you back in high school" was something he should have said, but "You owe me"? only a real sociopath could make such sick joke.

- “And I... just... snapped”- Gubler bit his lips as he moved and stared at (Y/N), his puppy eyes were so apologetic, it made her feel he was indeed apologizing to her for something bad he had done.

(Y/N)'s hands caressed his cheeks as she smiled at him kindly. Whatever he had done - even it that included beating the shit out of that asshole - she knew he meant no harm. Matthew was a pacific guy, he wouldn't get mad, he would always be nice to everybody, even with people who were annoying or rude.

- “Gub, whatever happened, he totally asked for it”- she reassured him.

- “Yeah...”- but still, he didn't say a word

- “Did you hit him?”- he shook his head and sighed

- “I should have, though”- his voice was a whisper again.

- “Yeah, he deserved it... actually, let's google that asshole, I wanna go and smash his fucking face against a brick wall”- Matthew chuckled and stared at his girlfriend- “I mean it, I want to”

- “Maybe then we can google Jen Bennet, and avenge your shitty high school years as well”

- “So you really want me to go all Carrie on my high school bullies?”- Gubler shrugged smiling, but his response was a bluff and she knew it, he was never going to endorse any kind of violent behavior. Not like she would.

- “I don't want you to do that, never”- Matthew gave her a sweet peck on the lips and rested his forehead against hers. Silence hung between them for a few seconds, until Gubler finally sighed and whispered.

- “I threw my coffee to his face and yelled he was a narcissist son of bitch”

- “And?”- (Y/N) moved, looking into his eyes as she furrowed her brows, not getting the big deal of it- “He deserved it!”

- “Yeah but... maybe I overreacted?”

- “Did you stab him?”- but Gubler shook his head- “You didn't kick his balls, right?”- and he shook his head again- “Then, what's the whole deal?”

- “I burned his face and neck with hot coffee, not to mention the fact I yelled and cursed right onto his face in front of a lot of people”

- “So?”- (Y/N) wasn't getting what was the big deal. Sanders had been a bully to her boyfriend, he deserved worse. He deserved hell, 'cos he had put Matthew through a nightmare. She would hurt everyone who had done anything bad to him if she could. That's how much she loved him. No question asked.

- “So?!”- Matthew was in shock his girlfriend was taking things so calmly.

- “Honey, though I know you are the perfect guy who thinks being nice is better than anything else in the world, I have to burst that bubble for you: sometimes, people are assholes and we have to kick ass, you don't have to be a unicorn all the time.”

- “I'm not a unicorn!!”- he replied looking almost insulted. Matthew turned to the coffee table, poured what was left of their bottle of wine into their glasses and gave one to his girlfriend, who was smiling playfully.

- “Ok... a teddybear then”- she took a sip and sighed. Gubler stared at her biting his lips, probably trying to find something to say, but thoughts were overwhelming at that minute. He felt guilty and honestly bad about how he had reacted. He thought standing up in front of a bully was going to feel better, but apparently, it sucked.

(Y/N) could read on his face all the struggles happening in his mind. Her finger found his hair, and ran slowly through it, knowing it was something that always managed to relax him.

- “I just feel I'm no better than him after what I did”

- “Don't overthink it, Matthew Gray”- he felt her hands tug his hair softly, as a small chuckle left her lips- “You are better than anyone and everyone I know or might know”

- “Are you going to encourage our kids to kick ass?”

- “Yes!”- she answered not giving the idea a second thought- “But only if someone is messing with them”

- “Them?”- Gubler raised an eyebrow and (Y/N) felt her cheeks burning in no time. Had she said too much? no way.

- “You said kids, plural, them, kids, them...”- she poorly explained almost stuttering. The fact they were talking about kids was still too much for her to handle. It scared and excited her at the very same time. It felt like something she wanted to do, and couldn't wait to do, but never knew it until that day.

- “I see... maybe school 300 in the future will have better anti-bullying policies...”

- “We are not having kids in 300 kids, Matthew”- (Y/N) didn't realize what she had gotten into until it was too late- “I mean... I don't think we will be alive in 300 years.”

She made a pause as they stared at each other quietly. Neither of them knew what to say next, so she quickly looked for a way to change the course of the conversation drastically.

- “Anyway, it was a good pizza”

- “Yeah”- he nodded frenetically and blushed.

- “And a great shitty movie”

- “It ain't shitty”

- “The book is better”

- “Nerd”- (Y/N) gasped pretending to be offended and watched how Gubler bit his lips. She still didn't know if he did that on purpose or not, but whatever it was, it had one hell of an effect on her every single time, even after seven years.

- “Finish that wine and follow me upstairs”- her words were a command.

- “Why?”- he raised an eyebrow knowing exactly what she was talking about.

- “I wanna cheer you up for beating up that bully”- Gubler didn't argue with that at all, he finished what was left in his glass and stood up.

- “Are you always going to cheer me up with crazy dirty sex?”

- “Yes”- she turned to him and frowned- “Is that a bad thing?”

- “Did you hear me complain?”- he grinned- “We could have done it on the couch, you know”

- “You can't tie me to the couch”- (Y/N) teased and curled his lips to a dirty smile.

- “I love you”

- “I know.”

#matthew gray gubler #spencer reid #matthew gray gubler fanfiction #fanfic #MGG #spencer reid fanfic #matthew gray gubler fanfic #fluff #dr spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #babymetaldoll writes

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shotgun--rider · 4 years

Text

Rumor

A Jensen x Reader oneshot

Y/N’s never considered how many suspiciously snuggly photos there are of her and her best friend. Then they all come out in a Buzzfeed article, published just in time for everyone to grill her during her solo panel. Now what?

Word Count: 4000

Warnings: Really dumb fluff, everyone’s anxious, Jared and Briana are sick of everyone’s shit

A/N: This is dumb and fluffy and dangerously song-fic territory but it showed up and demanded to be written so here you go. I have no idea if this is actually any good. Enjoy?

---------* ---------

You were the epitome of normal, growing up. You had decent grades, run-of-the-mill hobbies, and an average high school cashier job. You could hop on your bike (and later, borrow your parents’ car) and take yourself to the coffee shop, or to a friend’s, and the only people that would look twice at you were drivers checking to make sure the kid on the bike didn’t steer into traffic.

You didn’t win any “most likely to” awards in the yearbook, your college major was undecided for an embarrassing length of time, and your 300-odd Instagram followers were comprised of friends and some polite acquaintances from welcome week. And you didn’t mind. You were perfectly happy to go through your day-to-day without turning heads and making waves.

That was all before you’d answered an open casting call on a whim, strapped for cash and mostly there because a sparkly website proclaiming “50 Easy Side Hustles!” had suggested spending your weekends as an extra if you lived in a big filming city. Before your three-episode contract in a show you’d never bothered to watch turned into a series regular.

Now, you’re pretty much guaranteed to have your face splashed across the internet every time you stick a toe off the end of your L.A. property line. Even if the paparazzi aren’t there to get you in Page Six with some wildly exaggerated nonsense, a fan somewhere will snap a blurry photo and upload it somewhere for people to shout about you in the comments section. You’ve never gotten used to being tagged in edits of your own face, or watching your follower count creep steadily upwards. You’re just… you. You’ve always been just the normal, average girl from a nothing-special hometown.

Even after your third year running on Supernatural, you still forget. You still make it all the way to the end of the block before you remember that the person shouting your name is the bodyguard you accidentally abandoned two errands ago. You still get confused when the restaurant wait staff stares at you, still get annoyed calls from your publicist begging you to at least try to appear in fewer coffee shop paparazzi pictures looking like a disgruntled zombie who’s never seen a hairbrush. (Sue you, you can’t be expected to be functional before a cup of coffee.)

You’re a brilliant actress, an unexpected fan-favorite, relatable to everyone in your autograph line...and you’re kind of a terrible celebrity. Unlike certain child models turned actors straight at 18 you may know, this isn’t a world you were trained in. Which is probably why it doesn’t even occur to you that being caught frequently in the company of your best friend might look like something until you’re staring at your own name in a headline on your phone screen, in line at Starbucks before your first panel of the con weekend.

Y/N L/N’s Secret Relationship With Co-Star Jensen Ackles, howls the bold-printed headline, and you blink stupidly at the letters, uncomprehending, until you realize that someone’s trying to get your attention. “Sorry, what?”

The barista looks impatient, suppressing an eyeroll and starting her spiel before cutting off halfway with a squeak. “Oh, my god, you’re her! I’m sorry, I’m just… you’re literally my favorite!” She’s blushing and stuttering and has a near-death grip on the empty coffee cup she was preparing to write your name on.

“Oh,” you reply, forcing the fog of confusion from your brain and slapping on a smile. “Hi, you caught me.”

“Can I...um…” the girl reaches into her back pocket and sheepishly produces her cell phone, complete with a flaming pentagram case. “Um, selfie?”

You smile indulgently, leaning over the counter. The fans are one of the best parts, really, and it’s never a hardship to make someone smile. (That is, when they’re not selling rumors and lies to the tabloids, you think grumpily.)

The barista girl pulls back with a wide smile and a full-face blush, and keeps glancing shyly up at you while she punches in your usual order, plus the second coffee Jensen texted you this morning to beg for. “So I guess Jensen’s around here too, then, right?” she asks perkily, taking your card.

“Uh...sorry, what?”

She shrugs like it’s obvious. “Since you flew in together,”

You blink rapidly, feeling stupid. You’re obviously missing the punchline somewhere. “We, uh...didn’t. I mean...I flew out of L.A.,” you say cautiously. Your home city is already public knowledge, as is the fact that Jensen lives in Austin, and you can’t imagine she doesn’t know this.

Her eyes pop wide with curiosity. “Wait, so you’re not staying with him?”

This conversation is too much for your poor, jetlagged, coffeeless brain. “No?” you try weakly, so far past confused at this point that you might actually be getting a headache. “Why would I…”

Not that Jensen’s Austin house isn’t lovely, and not that you’d object to staying there, and not that you haven’t stayed there plenty of times before, but you’re pretty sure you’re still missing the point.

The barista lunges forward over the counter, leaning in to ask in a hushed voice, “Did you guys break up?”

An emphatic “No!” leaves your mouth so loudly that the old man in line behind you starts grumbling. “No, you don’t--”

“Get a move on,” Old Man grouches in the background. “I don’t care who you are,”

“Oh, good,” the girl cuts you off with a relieved grin. “You guys are so cute, you know? I mean, I kinda figured you had to have something going on, but actually seeing it--it’s going to be so much cuter if Dean and Sierra ever kiss now, oh my god--”

She devolves into a squeal, and the we’re not actually dating dies on your tongue. You have better things to do this morning than correct the misinformation of one teenage barista, so you end up just shaking your head and taking the two cups of coffee wearily. “Right, well, I’ve gotta go, so--” you duck around the old man and beeline for the door before anyone can say anything else. Oh, god, your publicist is so going to kill you.

***

Jared and Jensen are both in the green room when you make it back to the convention hotel, and you groan softly as you walk into the room. Once Jared hears about your so-called relationship, you’re never going to hear the end of it. Then again, better he hear it from you than find it in the tabloids. May as well bite the bullet now before it comes up in a Q&A.

“Hey,” you slide up to Jensen’s elbow, holding out the requested coffee cup as a preemptive truce. “So, we’re apparently dating now,”

Jensen snorts, shaking his head and swapping the coffee cup into his other hand so he can wrap his arm around your shoulders in greeting. “Yeah, I saw that.”

“I think I may have given a barista the impression we’ve had a tumultuous breakup,” you say ruefully, tilting your head up to look at him in apology. “Sorry,”

Jensen’s green eyes are dancing, though, and he throws back his head and laughs, still keeping you tucked close enough that you can feel his whole body shake. “Of course you did, sweetheart,”

It’s pretty much the reaction you expected from Jensen, who’s so used to your antics at this point that he just gives you a fond smile and moves on to damage control. Jared, on the other hand, is...not commenting, and suspicion cuts short your quiet enjoyment of being hugged against Jensen. It took the boys a while to feel comfortable messing with you when you first got on set, but after they figured out you gave as good as you got, they’d never yet missed an opportunity to tease and prank you.

You squint at Jared warily. “Why aren’t you reacting?”

Jared’s lips immediately start twitching, but he makes a valiant attempt at a mock-concerned face. “Oh shit, sorry. Here, tell me again and I’ll pretend like I’m surprised this time,”

Unwilling to bother unwinding yourself from under Jensen’s arm, you extend a childish foot in the direction of Jared’s shins, scowling at him. He dodges easily, laughing, and tosses out, “Someone should really tell Buzzfeed they’re reporting really old news,”

“Shut up and drink your damn coffee, Padalecki,” you shoot back without any real venom.

“Oh, you mean my hotel coffee? The coffee I got stuck with because you only buy Starbucks for Jensen?”

Jensen straightens up proudly, no doubt making a face at Jared over the top of your head. “Y/N just likes me better. That’s why she’s my best friend.”

You roll your eyes, ducking under Jensen’s arm and a few steps away. “You both suck,” you deadpan, resisting an internal wince at the friendzone. “Now shut up and let me drink my coffee, I have to be on stage in fifteen minutes,”

And God, but your head is way too scrambled for a panel right now. Fifteen minutes is nowhere close to enough time to get your shit together, and you’re going to have to somehow walk out there and not let everyone know.

You take a seat halfway across the room, watching Jared and Jensen still standing there, heads bowed together, arguing quietly about something. Jensen’s starting to wear an annoyed expression and he still manages to look beautiful and goddamnit this is how you got in trouble in the first place.

You scroll listlessly through your phone, a headache beginning behind your eyes, and freeze when you realize that you left the damn article open. The headline photo is a picture of you and Jensen on a sidewalk in L.A., caught mid-conversation with Jensen’s hand on your back and a stupid, dopey look on your face while you stare up at him like he hung the moon. Fuck, you’re an idiot.

A hasty scroll through the rest of the article reveals more of the same, and you could kick yourself for making your dumb crush so obvious. The photo captions are practically mocking you, labelled with things like “an intimate evening for Ackles and L/N” and, under a picture of the two of you at a beach, “We might be a little mad that the two most attractive people are together”.

Well, at least now you know what every single question at your panel is going to be about. And somehow you have to figure out how to play this off like it’s nothing. Of course I don’t have a crush the size of a mid-sized whale on Jensen, hahaha, that’s such a hilarious idea!

Your only saving grace is that clearly, Jensen doesn’t think anything of it. It’s nothing more than a brief joke to him and Jared, and as much as that should bring you relief, it still stings to know that he’s obviously never bothered to think of you that way. And why would he? For all Buzzfeed’s nonsense about you making an attractive couple, Jensen Ackles miles above your league.

You’re pulled out of your thoughts by Misha sitting down next to you, an easy smile on his face as he nudges your shoulder with his own. “So, welcome to the club,”

Typically, you and Misha are pretty close friends, but your patience is too short this morning for any of his shit. “What club?” you shoot back grumpily.

“People who the internet have declared in love with Jensen Ackles,” Misha returns, grinning like it’s obvious.

“Ha, ha. See, except when that happens to you, people think it’s funny,”

“It is funny,”

“Not for me!” you explode, belatedly wincing at your harsh tone. “You and Jensen fuck around on stage and that works for you. If I don’t get my shit together in the next five minutes, I’m getting my name dragged through stupid tabloids and laughed straight off the show because I couldn’t keep my goddamn stupid pathetic crush under control!”

“Hey,” Misha waits until you meet his blue eyes. “That’s not going to happen. Okay? It’s not,”

“Misha--”

“Y/N,” Misha returns firmly. “It’s going to be okay. Jensen would never let anything happen to you. And you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.”

You sigh softly, nodding. Rationally, you know he’s right. But mostly, as much as you’re worked up about the panel, your fear is that Jensen is going to be the one laughing at you, and you don’t know how to explain that. “Yeah,” you say dully, just as a convention worker comes forward to collect you.

“If it’s really going to shit, I’ll come distract everyone,”

“Somehow, I think that would be worse,” you shoot back over your shoulder as you start walking to the stage. Breathe, Y/N. You’re fine.

You wait for the introductions to finish and take your place on the stage, a slightly breathy laugh escaping into the mic as you look out at the crowd. That is a lot of eyes watching your every move. And they’re on your side, you remind yourself. It’s the fans who’ve been tireless supporters of you and your character, this whole time.

“Hey, guys,” you clear your throat. “What’s up?”

You chatter for a while about whatever you can think of, telling an edited version of the grumpy Starbucks man this morning and rambling a little about Jared’s latest on-set antics. All too quickly, though, you run out of things to say, leaving you with no choice but to ask for questions.

At first, to your great relief, they’re pretty tame. You spend a solid few minutes breaking down Sierra’s latest character arc, and the time she’s spending hunting on her own. You do get a few questions about whether she and Dean could get together when she gets back with the brothers, but as long as it stays firmly in the realm of your characters, you’re not worried.

“And what’s your name?” You ask gently, trying to reassure the nervous young woman at the microphone.

“Uh, Y/N…”

“I love that name!” you wink at her, rearranging yourself in the chair to be more comfortable. “What do you want to know, Y/N?”

“Uh,” she stutters, her face blushing pink. “You’re my favorite actress, and, I, um,”

“That’s very sweet,” you interject, nodding to encourage her.

“I just, uh, really want good things for you, and I just wanted to ask if, um, areyoureallydatingJensen?” she spits out all in one breath. “Cause you deserve him,”

You blink, shifting in your seat. You’d arrived at the elephant in the room. Damn.

“Uh,” escapes your mouth as you frantically try to construct a diplomatic sentence. “No, actually, no, we’re not.” I wish. “The, um, the article was a surprise to us too!” You added a little shrug in as punctuation, trying to play it off.

“But you guys look so cute together!” Other Y/N exclaims. “He looks at you like--” she cuts off, biting her lip so hard you can see the white from the stage. “Nevermind. Sorry.”

“No worries,” you assure her casually, like you’re not dying to know what she was going to say. “Next question?”

The next one up is another young woman, this time much bolder in her question. “But if you were given the opportunity, would you date Jensen Ackles?”

God, Chuck, literally anyone please kill me. “I don’t know how to answer this without getting in trouble,” you finally laugh nervously. “This is a dangerous question,”

The audience all laughs loudly, some of them throwing out comments and suggestions. “In the interests of not getting killed in my bed tonight,” you say lightly when they’ve quieted. “I’m going to skip that question,”

There’s really no saving you, though. After that first question, it’s like a dam has broken and everyone wants to know about your relationship with Jensen. What do you think of his house in Austin and does he cook for you and what do you do between takes and where’s your favorite place to go together. Someone even asks if you’re hooking up even if you’re not dating, which you’re positive turns your face completely purple before you get through redirecting that fan.

An hour later, you stagger off the stage mentally exhausted and thoroughly grumpy.

“Ouch,” Briana sympathizes, sliding up beside you as you grab a water bottle in the green room.

“Can’t wait for my dumb red face to trend on Tumblr,” you mutter, wondering darkly if you could just jump out one of the windows.

Briana laughs like she knows something you don’t, and rubs a hand over your back soothingly. “Come on, let’s get you out of your head before your photos,”

The two of you end up on a walk a few blocks from the convention hotel, fresh coffees in hand and Briana chattering away while you nod along. It’s not that you’re tuning her out, exactly, you’re just...overwhelmed. You do, however, notice when she stops talking.

“Are you listening to me?” she looks at you sharply.

“Sorry, B,” you mumble. “Got distracted. What?”

Briana shakes her head with loving exasperation. “I asked what you’re wearing to karaoke tonight,”

“I’m probably not going to--” you start.

“Oh, no you don’t. You can’t leave me there alone,” Briana interrupts, folding her arms across her chest.

“What do you mean, alone? Kim and Rich and literally everyone will be there,”

“You are not allowed to skip karaoke.” Briana says firmly, and you suddenly know how her daughter must feel when she’s misbehaved. “Besides, Jensen’s singing with Louden Swain beforehand. Don’t you want to see it?”

“Fine. But I’m wearing this,” you gesture to your plain black top and jeans. To be honest, you’re not sure if you actually do want to see Jensen perform, or bother with the rest of karaoke night. Mostly you just want to crawl into bed and put the covers over your head and pretend that you haven’t been making a fool of yourself all morning, but Briana is a force of nature when she wants something.

She smiles excitedly at your acquiescence, pulling out her phone for a moment to type something before you start heading back.

You nudge her teasingly with your elbow. “Your phone more exciting than me?”

Briana just slides it away hastily before you can read more than Jared’s name over her shoulder. “Just taking care of something.”

There’s something she’s not telling you, but you don’t feel like digging right now. You’re just focusing on getting to the end of this convention without spilling all your secrets and looking like an idiot.

By the time you’re sitting down in the seats for Louden Swain’s set, your face is indeed all over Tumblr. (You always deny having the stupid app, but sometimes a girl’s gotta know what people are saying about her and her hot costars.) There’s comments full of stupid speculation that you’re hiding your relationship, including a whole thread about how you’re clearly hiding your secret threesome with Jensen and Misha. Great.

“Uh, okay,” a familiar voice snaps you out of your thoughts. Jensen’s on stage in front of the microphone, holding his guitar. “This was not part of my original plan, so...if this goes badly, it’s all Jared and Briana’s fault.”

The crowd laughs good-naturedly as your gaze snaps immediately to Briana. Infuriatingly, your friend just shrugs.

“This is a cover of a song neither of us wrote,” Jensen continues, gesturing between himself and Louden Swain behind him. “But I thought it could be fitting,”

He’s nervous, you realize, watching the way he’s fiddling with his guitar strap while he talks. But you have no idea what he’s doing. And you have no idea why he didn’t tell you. The two of you always know what stupid thing the other person is planning, especially stunts in front of the fans. But clearly not this time. With a sinking sense of dread, you wonder if maybe he does hate you a little bit after today, and that article. Maybe that’s why he’s not talking to you. You swallow hard against the sting in your throat, and Jensen starts playing.

The opening chords are definitely from a country song you vaguely recognize from the radio, and you wonder why this is Jensen’s choice over one of his own songs.

“Girl, you know I've known you forever / How many nights we hung out together,”

Across the room, Briana has an enormous smile on her face.

“My boys are laughing and tap me on the shoulder / Making a motion like, ‘Could y'all get any closer?’” He punctuates the words with a little scowl in Jared’s direction.

“There's a rumor going 'round about me and you / Stirring up our little town the last week or two / So tell me why we even trying to deny this feeling / I feel it, don't you feel it too? / There's a rumor going 'round, and 'round, and 'round / What d'you say we make it true?”

There are a lot of people suddenly making noise around you as they come to the same realization that you are, but you’re frozen in your seat. The rumor is you. He’s talking about you. Jensen’s singing for you. And you should be elated but your mind is stuck on a loop of what the fuck there’s no way this is real.

You don’t even realize that the song is over until everyone is clapping and you’re still stuck staring with embarrassingly wide eyes, Jensen up on stage with an embarrassed dusting of red across his face and a slowly deflating expression.

“Hey,” Jared’s elbow digs hard into your ribs suddenly. “Please do something. I can’t take any more of him like this,”

“What--oh--shit!” spills out of your mouth as you stand hastily, your phone tumbling off your lap. “I’m just gonna--”

By some miracle, you make it through the crush of people and around to the backstage area, your heart racing unevenly in your chest. You have no idea what you’re supposed to say, or if Jensen will be there, or if you’re even interpreting this right. Maybe it’s all just wishful thinking. No, Jared wouldn’t have encouraged you if that were true. Would he?

You’re so lost in your thoughts that you end up plowing straight into Jensen’s chest, his arm sliding automatically around your waist as you wobble off balance. “Shit, I’m sorry!”

He steadies you, green eyes searching your face with a flicker of vulnerability. “Hey,”

“Hey,” you whisper back. You have no idea what happens now.

With his free hand, Jensen rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “Look, if that was too much--”

“No!” you shake your head quickly. “I’m sorry, I was just...processing. I...it was really sweet, Jen,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you confirm. “I just… me? Are you sure?”

“Why not you?” Jensen’s face wrinkles in confusion. He moves both hands to your waist, the warmth of his skin bleeding through your thin shirt as he tugs you closer. “Y/N,”

There’s something in you screaming that you might not get to do this again, that he’s going to come to his senses, that the whole thing is a dream, and before you can second guess yourself you launch yourself up onto your tiptoes and kiss him.

Your arms go around his neck while Jensen wraps you up tighter against his chest and it’s not fireworks, or earth shattering, or anything so dramatic. His mouth moving against yours just feels like home and love and of course. Of course you were going to get here, of course it was going to be like this.

Jensen lifts you off your feet for a moment before breaking the kiss, and he looks just breathless and flushed enough that you’re equal parts proud and turned on.

“Of course it’s you,” he murmurs, one hand under your chin to tilt your head up to him. “Of course I love you. You’re my best friend.”

------

Something ate my taglist! If you want to be tagged, please message me!

#supernatural #jensen ackles #supernatural rpf #jensen ackles x reader #jensen x reader #spn #rpf #x reader #reader insert #oneshot

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centrally-unplanned · 3 years

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Medium & Marketing for 90′s Anime Dubs

Today is Hayao Miyazaki’s 80th birthday, which made sure my dash was filled with Ghibli tidbits. A discussion of my personal favourite, Kiki’s Delivery Service, brought up its ill-fated original dub by Disney in 1998. Ghibli still didn’t have the courage yet to put their foot down on changes for international releases, and so there are a lot of alterations - the theme songs are changed to be anglicized, almost any “dead space” or quiet moments in the film have someone (normally animal sidekick Jiji the cat) improv lines over the scenes to liven them up, and in particular the ending is changed to be less bittersweet as Jiji, who in the original Kiki permanently loses the ability to talk to as a sign of growing up, regains his voice.

These changes slot neatly into the zeitgeist of all 90′s anime changes - a disregard for the property’s core appeal as they were bowdlerized for a western audience. Sailor Moon is an infamous victim of a similar process - at least Kiki took place in fantasy Europe, the Sailor Moon dub’s attempts to pretend that the show doesn’t take place in Japan were simply insane as they cut out or blurred every appearance of Japanese writing in the show, leaving reams of animation frames on the floor in the process.

(Tangent time: the greatest scene ever is one where, upon reading a note by Usagi, to prove it was her Minako/Sailor Venus comments “it must be from her, its written entirely in hiragana”, the simpler form of written Japanese compared to kanji, which Usagi as a running gag cannot write. So in the dub they just...blur out the text of the note, and have Minako comment “I had to read it with my imagination. It's all written in funny symbols!". I distinctly remember watching the episode live when I was 12 years old and going “wait what the fuck does that even mean?” and suddenly realizing that the show was changing its own script, it was a trip of a moment)

Like most people I do malign these changes, but I am actually here to partially defend them via contextualization. The idea that American audiences would have cared that the show was Japanese is pretty dumb, but what you often hear are statements like “kids in Japan appreciated Sailor Moon/Kiki’s Delivery Service just fine, they didn’t need to change it”. That is possible, but it mistakes why changes are being made to begin with - its not the “culture of children in the US vs Japan”, its intended market via the medium of distribution.

Kiki’s Delivery Service was released in Japanese theatres in 1989, and it was the highest grossing film of the year in Japan (about ~US$18 million, man do things change). Kiki’s Delivery Service the Disney dub, was....released on VHS in 1998. VHS releases and movie theatre releases aren’t really intended accomplish the same thing. Remember all those direct-to-video Disney sequels? Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride? Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time? Remember how they were all just garbage? Anyone looking back at them today cringes, with a few exceptions. But none of us cringed when we were 8! My partner is a huge Disney fangirl, and when she was young she didn’t even distinguish between the theatre release and the VHS sequels - it was all Disney, you just lined them up and played them in a row as the complete canon. Yes, these movies sucked partially because they were low budget, but they weren’t actually *that* low budget - and not the throwaways your memory probably tells you they were. Lion King 2? Made ~$300 million in net sales, almost as much as the original Lion King’s theatrical run.

What those Disney VHS sequels and Kiki share is the fact that their intended market was *only* children. That is the point of VHS - you put it on for your kids and then go make dinner. Its the virtual babysitter, the kids can loop it while reenacting every scene with their stuffed animals. Movies released in theatres don’t serve that role at all - the parents are paying $15 a head and they are trapped in their seats for the whole runtime. It has to entertain everyone, or you aren’t going to go, or at least not as often. VHS releases sucked because kids don’t care, they actually do enjoy the constant quippy lines and dumb jokes. That is equally true for Japanese kids - its just that Kiki’s intended audience wasn’t Japanese kids, it was “all ages” - a very different category.

The same is true for Sailor Moon, by the way. The idea that kids in Japan could “handle more mature themes like death” unlike American audiences doesn’t hold up quite as much when you look at Disney theatrical releases like the Lion King - Mufasa’s death pulls no punches, but kids didn’t mind. And Japan does have shows like Doraemon that are just as childish as the 90′s western cartoons you remember. Its that Sailor Moon’s audience wasn’t just kids.

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon aired in March of 1992 on TV Asahi. Asahi was not a kids network, and Sailor Moon did not air in a kid’s block - instead in its “Anime Block”. It aired on Saturdays, at 7:00 PM. For most of its runtime, the 7:30 slot after was held by Slam Dunk, a hyper-serious basketball anime adapted from a manga in Weekly Shonen Jump. You think director Kunihiko Ikuhara was throwing in queer relationships and even trans characters, and every other villian was a half-naked seductress, because it was gonna really resonate with 8 year olds? Sailor Moon was for 8 year olds, yes...and for otaku. So, 15 year olds, lets not exaggerate here. But still, its hype, its success, came just as much from its teen and adult fans as much as its young devotees. Which was intentional - it was *marketed* that way. That's why it aired at 7:00 PM on a Saturday.

Sailor Moon’s original dub, on the other hand, aired on UPN at, yeesh, 6:30 AM?? Then on USA’s Cartoon Express at the much more reasonable 8:30 AM, and later on Toonami at 4:00 PM. All of these are kids slots, to watch over cereal or snacks before/after school while the parents are busy. You do not expect the adult in the room to be watching alongside the kid, or for teens to really be paying attention.

And to cut off the logical objection, a show like Sailor Moon was just not going to get a 7:00 PM Saturday slot in the US in the 90′s. Nor was Kiki going to get a movie theatre release in 1998 of any scale. Movie releases are expensive, Saturday slots are precious, the funding just wasn’t there for something so untested as Japanese anime. There was no demand in the west for it - that demand would only be created later, by a generation who grew up on, well, shitty Sailor Moon dubs and Kiki VHS releases. And what success in the media slots these shows and movies did have are shaped by those market niches.

I don’t want to be over-deterministic on this - at some point Cartoon Network rolled the dice on Cowboy Bebop and Full Metal Alchemist and it worked - maybe they could have done that in 1995 with like Neon Genesis Evangelion, who knows! And of course US children’s cartoons are, beyond market forces, burdened with regulatory moralizing that Japanese media does not have. But I do think these 90′s dub efforts should get the proper context for the constraints they were operating under, and why they existed at all, as they are criticized.

#kiki's delivery service #sailor moon #90's dub discourse never dies

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alloftheimaginess · 4 years

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Tips

A/n: working as a waitress absolutely sucks so I wrote this imagine because one can only dream something this would happen

"Erica" I say walking through the dining room with the pitcher of water.

"Number 5 needs their food brought out and Marco is out grabbing some more glasses so I'm going to need you to take over that because I still have to handle my table and if I didn't you know I totally would take it over" I say laying a hand on her back as I pass.

"Okay for sure" she says smiling at me and I go over to my table to refill the waters they asked for.

"Can I get you guys anything else?" I ask and the woman smiles at me.

"If you don't mind we'd love some more bread" she says and I quickly nod.

"Coming right up" I say smiling at her and the bell for the reservations goes over and Erica is still in the kitchen so I go over setting the pitcher down on the side.

"Hello. Welcome to Cords, can I get a name for the reservation?" I ask brushing my hair back and looking up.

"Holland" he says and I type it in.

"First name?" I ask when nothing pops up.

"Thomas" he says and I type in his full name.

"I'm sorry Mr. Holland it says your reservation was supposed to be for 45 minutes ago and when you didn't show your table was given away" I say looking up.

"Do you guys have a spare table?" He asks.

"For your party of six? We have a party finishing up dessert right now so we'll get that table cleaned up for you as soon as possible. But the wait is about 35 to 40 minutes" I say smiling at them.

"That's okay, we can wait" he says smiling at me and I nod adding his name into the system.

"Can we get some decent customer service here. We pay over 300 dollars and we can't even get our bread" the man at the table I was helping yells and I sigh feeling overwhelmed.

"While you wait, there's some drinks and bread in the seating area" I say and the curly haired one in the party looks back.

"There's no bread in there" he says and I can feel myself about to cry.

"I will bring you guys some bread out in a second" I say running to the kitchen.

"Four bread baskets" I say as soon as I enter the kitchen and Erica is throwing up in a bucket.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Morning sickness" she says and I sigh.

"Okay, go home and get some rest. See a doctor or something I don't know" I say freaking out because there was already only 3 of us working tonight.

"Bread up" Cody says and I grab all the bread and I rush to the table.

"I'm so sorry, I hope you didn't have to wait too long, one of our servers is down and so it's just me and one other guy tonight" I say smiling at them.

"No problem honey, thank you" the wife says meaning it and by the man’s look on his face he's done with me today.

I run back over to the Holland family "sorry, I have your bread right here. Can I get you guys anything else?" I ask putting down the bread baskets and the extra butter and knives.

"There's no more wa-"

"(Y/n) table five still needs their food" jacob says cutting Tom off and he smiles at me.

"Water? Anything else?" I ask.

"No we should be good thank you dear" the woman says and I smile at them before taking a deep breath and running off and I grab the food and water careful not to drop anything and I deliver the food.

"Let me know if you need anything and I will try to get it out to you as soon as possible" I say and they huff happy to finally have their food.

"(Y/n) a table for the party of six opened" Matt says and I nod and I go over to them restocking the waters.

"If you guys can come with me a table has opened sooner than we thought" I say smiling at them because the sooner I get them seated the sooner I can finish today and they stand up following me and as we past the check in I grab the menus and I lead them to their table and I allow them to get situated before passing out the minutes and silverware.

"My name is (Y/n) and I will be your server tonight. I just want to let you guys know that we are short 3 people tonight so it's just me and another guy named Marco. I will try to get back to you guys with a quickness but seeing as though today is a Saturday we are extremely busy and packed" I say taking a deep breath.

"So you'll have to excuse me if I can't get right back to you, I will be back to take your drink orders unless of course you already know what you want" I say and so can feel the tears but I fan my face.

"We'll order our drinks now" the older man says and I nod pulling my pen from out my apron and the notepad.

After taking their drink orders I take it to the kitchen and I start to fill them up. "How's it going with table 7's food?" I ask.

"Mr. substitute has to wait about 15 more minutes" Cody says.

"Do you maybe want to tell him that?" I ask frowning as I push the door open and I rush the drinks back out to the table quickly setting it down.

"Waiter" I hear Mr. Diaz say and because I'm with another table I ignore him.

"Any idea when you are going to get my food to me?" He asks.

"Sir, you order so many substitutes that they had to make your food from scratch all over so it's going to be a while" I say politely still passing out the drinks.

"You don't get paid to bitch about how I order my food. You get paid to serve me and if I'm not going to be served then me and my wife are going to take our business elsewhere" he says and I stop mid setting the glass down.

"Sir if you allow me to go check, I'll try to rush it out" I say.

"You should be fired, you are the worst person for this job" he says and I accidentally knock over the glass and it spills all over the place and that's the last straw.

"I'm so sorry" I say crying.

"Let me go grab a towel really quick" I mumble running into the kitchen to grab some towels.

"What happened?" Nathan asks when he sees me.

"It's just been a horrible week and it's too much and I can't even get off to go see my little sister get married because no one wants to cover my shift and having to hear her cry about that and then school is kicking my butt and Mr. Diaz is too much" I say and I take in a deep breath and I wipe my eyes and I throw on a smile and I rush out to go clean up the table and Mr. Diaz and his wife are waiting for their coats by the front door.

"I am so sorry about that" I say wiping up the fruit punch.

"I am not usually like this" I say wiping down the side of the table.

"Why do you work here?" One of them asks and I look at them.

"I'm in university and it helps pay the bills, they are really chill about working with my class schedule so I've been here since I was 18" I say.

"Do you deal with people like that all the time?" Tom asks and I nod.

"Yeah one of the downsides to this job is having to deal with rich snobs who think they are better than me" I say.

"If you're use to this why are you crying? I'm Nikki by the way" she says sticking her hand out and I shake it.

"It's a lot going on this week, my baby sister is getting married and I can't even go because no one will trade shifts with me and she's completely heart broken and it's not like I could even go if someone was nice enough to switch because I can't afford the last minute airline fee's and I'm studying for my midterms and I haven't got any sleep in like two weeks" I vent and when I finish I stand up.

"Are you guys ready to order?" I ask.

"Can you give us a minute?" She asks and I nod.

"Yeah of course. And I'm sorry my venting was just super unprofessional so I would really appreciate if you didn't say anything to my boss because I'm already in trouble" I say and I can feel myself starting to cry again.

"Of course we won't say anything dear, we’ll let you know when we're ready" the man says.

"Just call me. Remember my name is (Y/n) you'll probably hear me crying before you see" I say laughing it off before walking away to go see if other food is done.

I go back over to their table after not hearing from them for 15 minutes and I see the table is empty and I know I scared them away which is not good for me because they'll want to know why they left.

I go to clean off the table and I see a note and I pick it up. "Don't worry we didn't leave because of you crying to us. We realised we were the last ones to be seated meaning that you'll have to stay longer because we were eating. You were a great hostess and so we left you a tip to show you how worth it you are. Love the Holland family p.s go see your sister get married.

I lift up the napkin and there’s a bunch of 100 dollar bills laying there and I pick it up and I start crying harder and I collect it all going into the kitchen.

"What happened?" Cody asks and I hand him the letter and he smiles and I hand him the cash and he counts it, his jaw dropping.

"(Y/n) this is four thousand dollars" he says and I nod.

"I know" I say and I take 500 of it and I give it to Marco and he starts crying.

"Why?" He asks.

"You've put up with as much shit as I have tonight and you deserve it" I say and he hugs me.

"I will personally find someone to cover your shift, go see your sister get married" he says hugging me again and I nod grabbing my stuff and running out

#tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you #tom holland reader insert #tom holland x reader #tom holland x black!reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland imagines #tom holland #paddy holland #sam holland #sam holland x reader #harry holland #harry holland x reader #holland family #resturants #harrison osterfield #harrison osterfield x reader

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douchebagbrainwaves · 3 years

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HACKERS AND SPEAKING

No company, however successful, ever looks more than a pretty good bet a few months. Either way it sucks. We ask mainly out of politeness. If you think someone judging you will work hard to judge you correctly, there's usually some feeling they shouldn't have to express every program as the definition of new types. If investors can no longer rely on their herd instincts, they'll have to get a foot in the door. -Oriented programming generates a lot of new work is preferable to a proof that was difficult, but doesn't lead to future discoveries; in the sciences generally, citation is considered a rough indicator of merit. If startups are mobile, the best local talent will go to the real Silicon Valley, and all they'll get at the local one will be the people who get PhDs in CS don't go into research. They're the ones in a position of power. I'm still not sure whether he thought AI was nonsense and that majoring in something rigorous would cure me of such stupid ambitions. I have never had to talk. When you change the angle of someone's eye five degrees, no one will pay for. Umair Haque wrote recently that the reason there aren't more Googles is that most startups get bought before they can change the world, people don't start things till they're sure what they want, regardless of how many are started.

Startups will go to work anyway and sit in front of them, so the odds of getting this great deal are 1 in 300. On the other hand, startup investing is a very strange business. Even if your only goal is to get every distraction out of the closet and admit, at least by comparison, be called turmoil. Just two or three lifetimes ago, most people in what are now called industrialized countries lived by farming. But software companies don't hire students for the summer as a source of cheap labor. But if you're starting a startup. I worried? I said what they need to get good grades to get into elite colleges, and college students think they need to get good grades to impress future employers, students will try to undermine the VCs by acting faster, and the VCs will gradually figure out ways to make money from. How casual successful startup founders are.

I write software: I sit down and blow out a lame version 1 as fast as angels and super-angels themselves. We think of the techniques we're developing for dealing with detail. I know of schlep blindness is Stripe, or rather Stripe's idea. You're better off avoiding these. If so, your old tastes were not merely different, but worse. Why is it that research can be done by collaborators. I'd guess the most successful startups we've funded haven't launched their products yet, but are definitely launched as companies. Fortran because not surprisingly in a language where you have to design what the user needs, who is the user? You may dispute either of the premises, but if you get funded by Y Combinator. But it seems more dangerous to put stuff in that you've never needed because it's thought to be a promising experiment that's worth funding to see how it turns out.1 But the startup world for so long that it seems promising enough to worry that you might not be the best solution. In Kate's world, everything is still physical and expensive.

Only a few companies have been smart enough to realize this so far. It's not super hard to get into grad school or just be good at math to write Mathematica. Google is afflicted with this, apparently. It has always seemed to me the solution is to tackle the problem head-on, and that people should work for another company for a few years down the line. With so much at stake, they have to be big, and it frees conscious thought for the hard problems. Why do you think so? Whereas when they don't like you, they'll be out of business, lies in something very old-fashioned: face to face for three months—so closely in fact that we insist they move to where we are. A lot of them. They believe this because it really feels that way to them.2

That solves the problem if you get a real job after you graduate. Because depending on the meaning of the word 'is' is. As usual, by Demo Day about half the founders from that first summer, less than two years ago, are now rich, at least in the short term. It was a lot of institutionalized delays in startup funding: the multi-week mating dance with investors; the distinction between termsheets and deals; the fact that you're mainly interested in hacking shouldn't deter you from going to grad school, because very few people are quite at home in computer science, and it will seem to investors no more than superficial changes. It's not just because they were pulled into it by unscrupulous investment bankers. You're rolling the dice again, whether you want them as a cofounder. In the mid twentieth century there was a great deal of play in these numbers. When you're forced to be simple, you're forced to be simple, you're forced to face the real problem. They treat the words printed in the book the same way you'd deal with a cold swimming pool: just jump in. So when you find an idea you know is good but most people disagree with, you should get a job. Nowadays a lot of de facto control after a series A round needs to be a good time for startups to have traction before they put in significant money.

One of our goals with Y Combinator was to discover the lower bound on the age of startup founders.3 If taste is just personal preference is a good deal of fighting in being the public face of an organization. The biggest factor determining how a VC will feel about your startup is how other VCs feel about it. Your tastes will change. So unless their founders could pull off an IPO which would be difficult with Yahoo as a competitor, they had become extremely formidable. The mobility of seed-stage startups means that seed funding is a national business.4 The puffed-up companies that went public during the Bubble didn't do it just because they want you to be a really good deal.

Do you, er, want a printout of yesterday's news? I know many people who switched from math to painting. This essay is derived from talks at the 2007 Startup School and the Berkeley CSUA. As well as mattering less whether students get degrees, it will turn out worse. Some magazines may thrive by focusing on the magazine as a physical object. As long as it isn't floppy, consumers still perceive it as a period that would have been for two Google employees to focus on the wrong things for six months, and the super-angels were initially angels of the classic type. Should you take it? Maybe, though the list of acquirers is a lot less than most university departments like to admit. VCs do now. It's too late now to be Stripe, but there's usually some feeling they shouldn't have to—that their startup will be huge—and convincing anyone of something like that must obviously entail some wild feat of salesmanship. The other reason parents may be mistaken is that, like generals, they're always fighting the last war.

5% an offer of 6. How has your taste changed? I don't consider myself to be doing research on programming languages. So if you want to work for, they may start to focus on working with other students they want as cofounders. Even though Y Combinator is teach hackers about the inevitability of schleps. And that statistic is probably not an option for most magazines. The seriousness of signalling risk depends on how far along you are with other investors seems the complementary countermove. Over in the arts. I don't know yet what the new rules will be, but it has to be better if both were combined in one group, headed by someone with a PhD in computer science, and it has to double: if you can imagine someone surpassing you, you can predict fairly accurately what the next few years will be like, but I'm not too worried about it.

Notes

That's because the arrival of desktop publishing, given people the first year or two, because they need them to private schools that in Silicon Valley, but suburbs are so different from a startup is compress a lifetime's worth of work into a fancy restaurant in San Francisco. We could be done, she expresses it by smiling more. It would have been the first question is only half a religious one; there is one that did.

The ordering system, which is probably part of a heuristic for detecting whether you realize it yet or not, and this is also a second factor: startup founders is how much they lied to them. Give the founders are driven only by money—for example, being offered large bribes by the financial controls of World War II was in logic and zoology, both your lawyers should be taken into account, they mean. It may be whether what you build for them.

We invest small amounts of new inventions until they become so embedded that they don't make users register to try to write it all yourself. It's lame that VCs play such games, but more often than not what it would be possible to have balked at this, but he got killed in the US treat the poor worse than Japanese car companies, but have no idea what's happening as merely not-too-demanding environment, and this trick merely forces you to agree. You're not seeing fragmentation unless you see them much in their target market the shoplifters are also the 11% most susceptible to charisma. If an investor makes you a clean offer with no valuation cap is merely boring, we found they used it to the biggest winners, which was acquired for 50 million, and don't want to work like they worked together mostly at night.

Except text editors and compilers. Users dislike their new operating system.

Thanks to Dan Giffin, Jessica Livingston, Hutch Fishman, Sam Altman, Robert Morris, and Ron Conway for sparking my interest in this topic.

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rigelmejo · 4 years

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random notes about drawbacks/positives of mia:

My biggest incompatibility with the massive immersion approach (and in general a lot of good modern study methods) is I hate flashcards. It’s not that I dislike them as a concept - I am just super bad at concentrating on them. I am NOT good at doing the following: focusing on small bits of information, studying for short periods but Regularly, Reviewing Regularly, and sometimes I just genuinely can’t retain small concentrated reading sentences to the point it takes me 10 MINUTES a flashcard in order to understand/study it. As you can imagine, that last part is NOT efficient, and ends up making flashcards even slower for me as a study method then they’re ever meant to be. I can’t control when I’m unable to figure out/concentrate on small bits of information, so some months flashcards work as intended for me (I can review 10-20 in 10 minutes), but other months suddenly 10 flashcards takes me an hour. So I am not good at sticking to flashcards consistently - once the hard months hit, I don’t keep up with reviews, because they suddenly take way more time then they ‘should.’ However, when I can focus I try to make up the difference - and do 20-100 cards a day while I have the ability to do flashcards at a regular pace. On the upside, I’m proof you can do the SRS flashcard reviews, in a very chaotic way, and still get benefits. How I’ve done flashcards: cram 300-1000 in a couple weeks to a month, including whatever reviews I need. 2nd month - review if I can still focus, and do a few new cards (like 5-15 a day at most). By the time I can’t focus, most words are relatively-known and I only would need to review them once a week or every few weeks - if I COULD focus on reviews. However, I only actually review once a month or less at this point - and I’ll only review 20ish cards usually in that rare instance, unless I have a good day. I will not usually review the majority of those cards until my next burst of can-focus-on-flashcards usually in 2-3 more months. I have done all my flashcards THIS INCONSISTENTLY, and I’ve still retained a lot of what I studied. What I think helps: immersing in other content when you can’t do flashcards, so that you’re often still being exposed to words you studied (so they’re easier to not forget even though you stopped doing flashcards). So yeah... inconsistent flashcards, and some immersion exposure, and I was able to keep some of the gains SRS flashcards generally provide people. I can’t do flashcards consistently, and I usually have to do them in big-chunks then abandon them, but they do help me boost up how much I know when I DO use them.

More regarding my incompatibility with mia. The big thing is: I’m just not a flashcard person, not a consistent person. I have to vary what I’m doing regularly, or I burn out/struggle to focus. When I was in school, I would do the following to study: take notes/focus intently when being taught, then read the textbook/materials if I needed more help. Before tests, or to ‘review’ I would reread my notes from beginning to end of what I needed to remember. This would refresh my memory. If I still forgot/did not understand anything, I’d pinpoint that info in the book/ask my teacher/go online etc and try to just focus most of my ‘harder’ studying on those parts I was struggling with. Usually just taking notes/focusing, then reviewing everything in bulk right before I needed it (so maybe once every few weeks), was enough. When I couldn’t take notes, I would instead skim through book chapter summaries, and rewatch lecture videos if there was a digital copy - focusing most on the videos when info I forgot/sounded like key information was mentioned. Basically - notes, summaries, short cheat sheets, were all my friends. For tests like math and physics, I would read my notes AND make mini-sheets of all key formulas and how to do them/what I needed for them (usually I already had a sheet I just kept adding to over time/rereading). I could not use flashcards back then - I couldn’t focus, not consistently, not the way they’re meant to be used. It took me too long to even make them to warrant them being useful to me (I take SO long to make flashcards, its also a focus issues - also why when I do SRS flashcards I usually just grab some premade deck cause it keeps me MOVING and actually STUDYING instead of getting frozen in a task).

This has always been my go-to study method. When I started chinese, this is how I learned 400 characters/basic words. I bought a reference book with mnemonics, and would make myself read through it (as if it were notes I took). Occasionally I’d flip through old pages again, just to see if I still recognized old stuff, but mostly I just kept moving forward. So like - flip back every couple weeks to skim old pages, but read forward every day. I got through half the book before I burned out (because... reference books with their short entries of information? a lot like flashcards in structure, except thankfully I don’t regularly review afterwards like I would with flashcards). It still took me 10-20 minutes for 10 entries in the book, but unlike flashcards it was a one-time task. When I got done, I had learned them pretty well - and I didn’t do anything to review them. They were just reviewed with immersion naturally, and eventually when I started studying common words these characters came up again (so if I forgot any, I relearned them easier then). This approach is roughly how I learned all words not in my premade-flashcard decks. I’ll read a chinese book - just start reading through it, looking up words I want to learn. I don’t review them, I don’t look them up again. Sometimes, maybe once a month, I’ll reread an old chapter to see what progress I’ve made - and then lookup unknown words then, as review since I didn’t remember them the first time. It sucks in a way... that SRS flashcard style study methods just.... do not work consistently for me. They are still beneficial, because in short month bursts I can quickly learn 500-1000 things with SRS (which is faster than some classes introduce words). But overall I have to rely on other study methods. Which for me feel inconsistent in progress since I can’t measure it as easy lol! Even with no SRS, doing ‘bursts’ of this read-intensively note-like materials, then very occasionally skim old material again, does seem to work out okay for me. Back when I learned to read french, I did no flashcards. I looked up a common words list (and used my class vocabulary lists). I read through them once. Before tests (if for class), or every few weeks, I re-read/skimmed the word lists. By 3-4 months I learned the first 500 words. Then, since french has a lot of ‘similar’ sort of words, I just sort of dived into reading and then picked up words mostly that way - just checking a word list every month or so to review known words and make sure I didn’t have some big gap of missing vocabulary.

So I guess: for me the biggest positive in mia is the suggestion to immerse often, frequently, and with a variety of materials. So that you practice different skills, learn a variety of things - and so you can move to something you like, if you get bored/unable to focus on one specific type of material. With mia you can read novels for a month, then get sick of reading and just watch shows/listen to podcasts when you walk, then if you’re burnt out from that you can just browse social media and check out fanfics/manhua/friends posts in the language for a few days or weeks before picking up longer materials again. The point is just to find ways to immerse, and do it. Simple advice. SUPER simple advice. But incredibly useful - every single time I add more immersion, I notice a boost in my comprehension. I notice actual improvement over time. I can’t pinpoint ‘why’ it happens, so unfortunately I’m not sure which complementary study methods or ways of immersing are helping me precisely with improvement in which skills. But I can tell that I am improving. I would 100% agree that immersing more is worth trying, at any language learning stage, as much as you want to. I immersed in the first months in both french and chinese, and I did much better than with japanese (where I did not immerse for 2 years and so my level stayed A1 beginner for like 2 years...). My French last time it was tested was around B1, which is fine since I just wanted to read and guess where my skills are closer to A2 and dragging it down? (Yes. Yes of course its speaking ability, of course). My chinese as far as I can pinpoint it is around HSK 4, as far as material I can easily read/listen to, as far as the practice tests I can take online. (Which, again, I’d self evaluate and say my comprehension is at HSK 4 or higher - I definitely can rely on good ability to guess meanings with hanzi and my comfort following grammar easily to boost comprehension a bit higher, but my speaking/writing is lower and I definitely only feel totally comfortable discussing topics that are manageable at HSK 3 - and my production grammar-wise is understandable but SO full of ‘this is the wrong way, use this instead’ which I’m working on...). So like... I got much farther in a year with each language I immersed in - even with the limited immersion I do actually do! So more immersion - better. While I’m on the topic of immersion: if you like reading, read often and early. I am better off for telling myself “its not hard to read” and just diving in the deep end. Was it hard? ahahaha yes. ;w; But, I realize if I’d put off reading until say HSK 4 or HSK 5 knowledge in chinese, reading would be EVEN HARDER because I’d be so much worse at quickly reading through grammar/gathering context clues. Reading is a mix of actual reading skill, and vocab. I built up a lot of the actual reading skill by starting to try to read super early. So now my main struggle is generally just lack of vocabulary - and since I understand all surrounding grammar very well, its easier for me to roughly-guess at unknown words function and still follow the gist of what’s going on. Reading early also means, for words and hanzi I DO already know, I learned to recognize the many contexts/phrases they show up in and the various words they combine into earlier. So again, when I’m looking at a new text the hardest words are new vocab made of ALL unknown hanzi - if I know one hanzi in the word, it’s something I can often approximately guess the meaning of especially when I understand the entire rest of the sentence. If a new word is spelled with all known hanzi, I can look it up once or twice and generally remember it very fast - since its connected to what I already know. If I had waited to read until I’d learned more vocab, I would have less of a reading skill foundation to rely on right now. And based on what I’ve read of at least some people’s experiences on chinese-forums.com, many readers will go through a STEEP uncomfortable period when starting to read chinese. Something vocab does not totally mitigate. I think it just takes many hours, of the reading skills getting less and less hard, and then eventually things get more comfortable. There is also the issue of ‘comprehensible’ reading material - depending on your tolerance for ambiguity, chinese can be painfully incomprehensible for a long time. Generally people feel comfortable once they comprehend 98% of a material. But in chinese, even once you learn thousands of vocab, depending on your reading skills and abilities to ‘guess from context clues’, you will not be at 98% yet. Even if you can guess from context clues, that isn’t solid comprehension its still ambiguously understood material. So to get used to reading chinese as a learner, you have to start getting used to how it feels to read stuff only 80% comprehensible. Only 90% comprehensible. And if you get good and learn a lot of vocab and grammar and understand it better when you see it - 95%. Which is still not the range of ‘comfort’ yet. The quicker you learn to not be stressed by the ambiguity, the less painful reading becomes. And the more tolerable it is, the more you can read, and the quicker you can learn more, and the quicker you’ll REACH 95% to 98% comprehensibility. But if its so painful you refuse to keep reading, to keep using reading to push comprehensibility up... it is going to be a long way until you hit 98%... Graded readers are great, and give you stepping stones to transition this experience. Graded readers are MADE to be 98% comprehensible at different learning levels, so they will FEEL comfortable. And if they do feel uncomfortable (because you don’t have high enough comprehension), then they will at least drag your comprehension up - and still be more tolerable than the alternative of even LESS comprehensible native speaker chinese language materials. Basically though... find a way to force yourself through the harder ‘intolerable’ early parts. It happens whether you know 500 words or 2000. So you’ll have to do it eventually. I get demotivated if I’ve ‘studied a lot and still understand nothing’ so my foolish self dived off the deep end at 500 words, then at 1000, then at 1500, then at 2000. Cause I kept trying to read, being frustrated at its difficulty and stopping after a few weeks, then trying again once I’d learned more! But wow did that early trying pay off. Now that I DO know more words, if nothing else the comparison of how NICE it feels to read now in comparison to in the past, motivates me a ton. If I just started reading recently, and all I knew was it felt ‘this hard’ then I might want to give up. But like... when I started, and knew 500 words, my graded readers were PAINFUL. Genuinely intimidating. Once I pushed through one? They felt easy as pie, and graded readers at that vocab-level felt so easy they got boring. Now I find graded HSK 4 material and usually read through it super fast or don’t even bother. So I can 1. read more comfortably. And 2. because I’ve BUILT up a higher tolerance to ‘ambiguity discomfort’ I can allow myself to read harder materials if I do want to - because I can still TELL it feels easier than it used to.

Finally, about MIA the study method as a concept. So... either because the site is long and people don’t like to finish reading, or maybe the writer is not good at summaries - but people often get confused about how to do it. Particular detail questions about how to do ‘this specific suggested activity’ make sense. But there’s a lot of people who ask “do I just turn on the language shows, and?? How do I learn?” Which, fair enough. So, as I understand it, here’s a summary: You want to learn a language. Find yourself a grammar guide - a free website, a book, whatever. Read the summary/guide, or skim it, whatever gives you a ‘preview’ of the language’s structure and what you’ll be getting used to over time. You will use this guide to reference later in the future, whenever grammar in stuff you see confuses you. You can use multiple guides later to reference. Right now, just zoom through a guide and get a general sense of the language you’re abut to learn. You can also wait to do this step until later, whenever you want. The sooner you do it, the sooner grammar will be less mysterious to you. Find yourself a pronunciation guide. Go through it, you don’t have to be a perfectionist about ANYTHING you do before or after this. Just go through, listen to it all, try to notice how its different from your own language. Notice if there’s any major differences like tones, sounds or patterns your own language doesn’t have. You don’t need to memorize, you’re just becoming aware that these aspects exists and are different. Again, this is to get you used to the language you’re about to dive into. This should probably be done early on. Look up some info about the writing system, if it is different from your own language’s. You will probably find some explanation introductory articles for beginners. If there’s any explanations about how it works, or why it’s like it is, read through it. This will help you understand the system better. You don’t need to memorize - although you may want to save a couple hundred common words, or a copy of all the letters, or a copy of a couple hundred common characters, or a copy of the radicals that combine to make characters. Read over this copied info a few times every once in a while, as you’ll see these things a TON once you start immersing. You find yourself a premade deck of SRS flashcards (use Memrise app, Anki program/website, some alternative) of common words in that language - ideally in sentences, but single-words work if that’s all you can find. Ideally with audio - but again, whatever you can find. You may also find an SRS deck of characters (like Heisig Remember the Kanji)/writing system specific info, if you want, to go through that deck early on to help you more with recognizing the writing system as you encounter it. Whatever decks you get, you will study those for 10-30 minutes a day. You can start doing this from day 1. (Or be like me and be inconsistent about it - just try to keep progressing forward and learning new material, even if you don’t always study. For me it was better always to move onto new stuff, instead of review, if I only had time to do one out of the two things.) Find yourself stuff to immerse with - shows, stories, audios, comics, social media, whatever. You will try to immerse every day, and try to immerse as much as you enjoy. Do this from day 1. When immersing: use either the language you are studying’s subtitles or else none at all. When watching/listening - look up words as desired, mainly though focus on context and trying to understand as much of the gist of what’s going on as you can. Over time you will pick things up. For reading - look up words as desired, and in the beginning you may look up a TON of words because you need to look up at least enough to follow the Bare Minimum Gist of What The Main Plot is. You NEED to understand at least basic context, with whatever your immersion material is, in order to learn new words from context. So: you might start with reading simple graded readers. You might use shows/books/audio of things you’ve already experienced in english, so the context is clearer to you. You might read summaries in english ahead of time. If you need more context in order to use immersion to learn any new things - then go ahead and give yourself more context. Immersion will feel difficult at first, the joy is watching you start to just ‘naturally’ pick up more. Audio immersion - for some of this, you do not need to attempt to ‘understand the gist of the plot’, you can just use it to attempt to pick out all the specific words in the language, the language’s rhythm, and get used to the language. If you’re only using an audio to learn the sounds of a language, you can probably use it as ‘background sound’ while doing other daily things, since it won’t require as constant focus as it would if you were trying to catch every single word you knew as you listened. There you go. You’re all set. Do this for a year and see where your progress is at. Quit doing this if you aren’t seeing some improvements, since if that’s the case a different study method may be better for you. Don’t do this method if you don’t like it - whatever gets you to study, is the right methods for you. No point doing something that doesn’t work for you. Eventually, as you make progress, you will decide on goals and notice mistakes/shortcomings in your skills. When that happens, add additional study materials/tasks as needed to focus specifically on those things as desired. For example - if you notice your pronunciation sucks, you may start using audio-focused flashcards, or go through a pronunciation guide again more carefully-thoroughly this time. Or - you realize your writing is bad, so you go through a grammar guide again and do the exercises, and get language partners and write to them regularly so that you get corrections. Eventually, you finish a common word flashcard deck - find a new deck, or make one, with new words you want to learn or need to based on your goals. The massive immersion approach is a basic plan of immerse-while-paying-attention+study new words/review words regularly, it doesn’t include every single thing you might do or want to do.

Anyway, mm. tldr: massive immersion approach suggests doing immersion of all kinds, from day 1. I couldn’t agree more, every time I add more immersion when studying a language it helps so significantly and over time. however, mia also has half of it’s study method based on SRS flashcards - if you are not a flashcard person like me, my alternative study ‘method’ above works. It’s not perfect, its probably not as effective. But it works if you can’t focus on SRS flashcards reliably. Finally, I summarize mia a little.

#rant #study method #mia #mass immersion approach

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justanotherexpatinkorea · 3 years

Text

Update 2020~2021 // 업데이트 2020~2021

January 22, 2021 / 1월 22일 2021

WHAT A WILD RIDE IT’S BEEN (AND WILL BE)

It’s been almost a year since my last blog update. It feels like so much yet so little has changed.

For one, coronavirus has taken over our lives. Because of the virus, we’ve had to stay inside, stay home. I miss being able to travel, visit people, make new friends. All of that has come to a halt. In some ways it feels like life has stalled, become stagnant. Yet that’s the price we pay for staying safe.

COVID 19 has become more than anything we could’ve imagined. A global pandemic that affects the lives of every person on this planet. We’ve had to confront the worst possible outcomes, and find it within ourselves to work together with our communities to overcome it.

As of this writing, here are the stats:

South Korea:

confirmed cases = 73, 918

total deaths = 1,316

United States:

confirmed cases = 24,196,086

total deaths = 420,285

WTF AMERICA….

No country has been perfect in their COVID response. This is a wickedly difficulty problem to tackle. However, living in a foreign country during this unprecedented time, I’ve gained a valuable perspective on this pandemic.

I hate to say this, but I am embarrassed. So many countries around the world look up the US. We’re one of the wealthiest, most developed countries in the world. A strong democracy renowned for its freedom, liberty and justice for all. Among my friends and coworkers here in South Korea, many of them aspire to travel or live in the US one day. I used to encourage them to do so. However, I’m more hesitant now.

I was extremely disappointed in the way the US responded to the virus. We have all the resources, the manpower, the knowledge. All the things that make other countries think so highly of us. Yet despite our alleged greatness, why did the US fail so miserably? fail to contain the virus? fail to keep Americans properly informed in a timely manner? fail to provide strong leadership in such a desperate time? If ever there was a time to step up and band together, this would have been it. Yet in my opinion, America missed the mark horrendously. Hospitals are overflowing. COVID patients are dying in makeshift hospital beds set up in parking garages. People are ignoring the heed to mask up and socially distance. Simple actions that could save ones life and that of others. Yet many Americans are too selfish to look out for the health of their fellow countrymen.

Watching news from back home, there are things that seem so strange to me now. As an expat, I live outside the frame, analyzing from a different context.

Masks. I cannot for the life of me understand how masks become so politicized. Korea, like many Asian countries, have been wearing masks for years. There is nothing controversial about it. It’s a piece of fabric designed to keep you and the people around you safe. A mere health-related courtesy. The fact that so many Americans cannot concede to this simple gesture makes me greatly concerned. Are we so divided as a nation? That when a global pandemic strikes - the worst health crisis in our lifetime - we cannot recognize the humanity in one another? Is there no love within us, to help us overcome this small personal discomfort for the sake of our fellow Americans? For the sake of us all? If we can’t grow up and do this one simple thing, I worry for our ability to tackle together the more complex issues facing our nation.

THE SOUTH KOREAN RESPONSE:

South Korea was one of the first hit by COVID. The proximity to China and the rapidity with which coronavirus spreads should have drastically increased the likelihood that the country would be decimated by the virus. But that’s not what happened. South Korea has become known worldwide as a model for how to approach the virus.

Widely and readily available testing and contact tracing

Mandatory masks and social distancing

Daily televised updates from government health officials - sharing data, updates on cases and deaths, etc.

Government measures (the closing and re-opening of schools, restaurants, businesses etc. depending on the current situation, in response to confirmed case numbers, etc. )

Quarantine for people coming from overseas, people who have had contact with COVID patients

In short, the Korean response was swift, thorough, and transparent. It required (and still requires) the collective will and cooperation of the people. Which includes myself.

As a teacher, my life has been affected professionally as well. I’m so lucky to have steady employment here as a government employee in the public schools. COVID-related measures in schools include: wearing masks at all times, washing hands regularly, sanitizing classrooms, social distancing as much as possible, keeping students separated and spread out in the cafeteria. And moving to online class when needed.

The government has a system of levels from 1 to 3. Here’s how the levels are decided and what measures they trigger. (For example, most places move to online classes around Level 2~2.5)

What is Level 1?

if the average cases per week are:

30 or fewer in a given province, 100 in large cities

socially distance when going out, wear a mask

What is Level 1.5?

if the average cases per week are:

increasing by 30 or more in a given province, 100 in large cities

if the average cases for people over 60 per week are:

increasing by 10 or more in a given province, 40 in large cities

Level 1+ thorough sanitizing of dangerous, infected areas

What is Level 2?

more than a week of level 1.5, and the cases in the affected community double and persist

OR total national cases reach at least 300, and persist for a week or more

Level 1.5 + recommend that unnecessary outings are limited, reduce meetings and gathering

What is Level 2.5?

total national cases reach 400~500, increase drastically and persist

special consideration - number of hospital beds for those with pre-existing conditions, elderly

Level 2 + stay home

What is Level 3?

total national cases reach 800~1,000, increase drastically and persist

Level 2.5 + stay home whenever possible, limit interactions with others as much as possible

YEAH, IT SUCKS

Around Christmas / New Year, Korea saw a spike in cases, about 300~500 a day. For Korea, this is considered dangerously high. (As an American I laugh at how small these numbers are, comparing it to the thousand of deaths that are occurring every day back home. But alas, this is no laughing matter, regardless of the magnitude of cases.)

The government introduced a new policy:

Gatherings of 5 or more people are banned.

This sucks big time. I was planning on doing a Secret Santa gift exchange with my friends, all thirteen of us. I really wanted to spend the holidays chowing down on sentimental comfort foods, having a drink or two, watching movies, etc. But we had to cancel everything. It was originally only a two-week policy, but the government has continued to extend it two weeks at a time. If COVID cases aren’t dramatically reduced, they’re not going to lift it. It sucks. I wish I could hang out, go out to restaurants and cafes and bars. But everyone is struggling through together. It would be easier to cast my worries aside and let up a little. But the risks are out there. COVID is a serious disease with serious consequences. Even if you don’t die you have the aftereffects of damaged lungs. And who knows what else? Years down the road, who knows what health concerns survivors will have to endure? It’s not worth it.

WHAT’S NEXT?

Like everyone else, I can’t wait for this to all be over. I can’t wait to travel again, explore, and live my life carefree. But who knows exactly when that will be.

However, there is one thing I know for sure. I’m not moving back to the US any time soon. I’d rather live in a country where I have stable employment, in this unstable world. Where I can get rapid testing and readily available (and affordably dirt cheap!) health care should I happen to have a COVID scare. (Or any other health concern, for that matter.) Where I know the people around me respect their communities, and will wear a mask, etc.

Where people with guns and molotov cocktails and weapons don’t attack the buildings of their democracy. Where facts and reason aren’t under attack, in a way that is tearing apart the fabric of the nation. (But that’s a conversation for another day.)

Of course Korea isn’t perfect. There are flaws in this society that concern me deeply as well. But at the end of the day, I feel much more safe and comfortable in Korea than I do back home. As long as that’s true, this is the place where I will continue to live and make my life.

#covid #coronavirus #korea #southkorea #expat #southkoreaexpat

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hanniiesuckle17 · 5 years

Text

Offstage

A/n: y'all about to get on me for doing another Jisung imagine………..shut up he is my soulmate okay.💕💕💕 if I got request for other people I wouldnt do him as much😂😂 also this is probably one of the longest imagines ive ever written holy crap

Member: Han Jisung ft Bangchan, Felix, Changbin, and Seungmin

WARNINGS: Swearing (it’s me guys come on, also tumblr I put it in the warnings stop flagging my posts), Jisung being the cocky bitch he is.

Summary: The Dance Dept. and Theatre Dept. have never gotten along. It’s just the stereotype of the arts. However, the teachers are done with that and have decided to include the Dance Dept in the school’s musical this year. What happens when the Queen of the Thespians and the King of the Dancers are forced to cooperate?

Genre: fluff, comedy, romance, enemies to lovers, highschool au, theatre au

“WE’RE WHAT?” I screamed at my closest friend, Bangchan. He took a deep breath before putting his hands on my shoulders. “Y/n, it’s not the end of the world.” No. This was the end of the world.

“Chan, we aren’t seriously letting those cocky small-brained dancers into the show are we?” He nodded and placed a stack of papers on the table. “I just got the notice from Mrs.Kwon.” Fuming, I flopped down in one of the auditorium chairs. I had worked my ass off to get to the status I had in the theatre department. This was my third lead and I wasn’t about to let some dancers ruin the show I cared about.

“Think about it this way. Legally Blonde is a huge dance show. Now some of the pressure for choreography is off. I talked to this guy Felix and he said he would choreograph.” Chan was my best friend and he was graduating this year. This was his last chance to direct one of our shows before he left. If he had to compromise….then I guess I could. “How does Seungmin feel about this?” A crash was heard from the wings.

“MINHO! I NEED YOU TO NOT DROP THE $300 SET PIECE! PLEASE!”

We both flinched at Seungmin’s loud voice. “He’ll be fine……probably. He’s the Stage Manager he is used to problems popping up.”

“MINHO! I SWEAR TO GOD!”

He sighed and shifted through the papers on the director’s table. He looked stressed. This was obviously not how he wanted his show to go. “You want me to stay with you for the extra auditions?” Running a hand through his hair, he turned to me with a tired smile. “No, it’s okay. Woojin wanted to go wig shopping with you anyway. We can’t have a brunette, Elle.” Playfully he shoved me up the aisle.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah! List will be posted outside.”

My eyes bore holes into the clock on the wall. I tried to drown out the loud boys next to me. Felix and Hyunjin were part of the dance department and had too much energy in my opinion. The second the bell rang I sprinted out of my seat and raced to the auditorium. Seungmin and Woojin stood in front of the call board when I arrived.

“What’s up?” Seungmin turned to me with a look that could kill. “Why are there dancers in my show?” Shrugging I turned my eyes to the list and scanned through the names.

“Technically it’s Chan’s show-”

“IT’S MY GOD DAMN SHOW TOO!”

“Ah Fuck.”

The two boys turned to me and asked what was wrong. Without another word I pointed to a name next to the male lead spot. “Han Jisung,” Woojin read aloud. A loud laugh could be heard coming down the hall. We all turned to find Jisung, Felix, and Hyunjin strolling down the hall towards the theatre. They stopped when they saw us.

“L/n.”

“Han.”

“Tightass.”

“Douchebag.”

“You want me.”

“To jump of a cliff? Yes.”

Smirking he ran a hand through his brown hair. “See you in there.” If only real daggers ended up in his back instead of my glare. “Can he even sing? How could Bangchan give Emmett to that……asshole.” Sharing a look the two of them shrugged before opening the door of the auditorium and entering.

The house lights were on and Chan was standing at the edge of a stage with a clipboard. I took a seat in the front row next to my friends Irene and Changbin. Seungmin and Jeongin joined Chan on stage and waited for everyone to quiet down.

“Welcome guys and congratulations for making it onto the Legally Blonde cast and crew!” Everyone clapped and cheered as Chan smiled broadly. “I’m Bangchan your director. This is Seungmin, your Stage Manager. And that is Jeongin our Assistant Director. Cast if you have any problems come to me or Jeongin, and crew you can go to Seungmin.”

Chan hesitated before speaking again. “Just make sure it is a real problem before going to Seungmin. We can’t have another Little Mermaid fiasco again.” The theatre kids laughed, but an obvious silence came from the dance crew.

“Okay. Y/n once again is our amazing lead!” I smiled and waved to my friends who were cheering. “And we have a new addition to the cast! Han Jisung will be playing Emmett, and Hwang Hyunjin will be playing Warner.” I felt eyes on me and turned to find Han smirking a few rows back. Rolling my eyes, I turned back around to listen to the rest of the cast being read off. I congratulated Changbin for getting Callahan and continued half-listening to the rest of the speech.

After the welcoming speech, Chan handed out the scripts and wanted to go directly into blocking. He told us the scene number and the characters needed jumped on stage. Chan amazingly lead and directed us through starting positions for the scene while answering Felix’s many questions about choreography.

Han was polite enough. He took Chan’s coaching well and did okay for his first day. I almost forgot that he was a major dickhead for a moment. Bangchan decided to not do musical numbers on the first day but told us to go home and practice for tomorrow’s first Saturday rehearsal where we would start doing choreography and songs.

My old car sputtered to a stop in the school parking lot. I was maybe an hour early to rehearsal, but that never hurt. I pulled my crop top down and adjusted my leggings and flannel. Reluctantly, I came ready to dance today.

On my way to the auditorium, I passed the dance and stopped when I heard a voice.

She was so close she could taste it

She’s gotta chip on her shoulder

Guess you never can tell

With little Miss Woods comma Elle

Hesitantly I entered the dance studio with my duffle on my shoulder. I was shocked to see Jisung standing in front of the mirror focused on adjusting to the high note, repeating the last few bars over and over again.

“Maybe try singing from your diaphragm.” He jumped at my voice and turned, shocked to see me leaning against the wall. “I mean, you aren’t bad. You just need a little coaching.” I threw my duffle on the ground and walked over to him. It was then I noticed something different about him. That cocky, confident, headass air he had was gone. He looked almost nervous as I came to stand in front of him.

Grabbing his wrist I placed his hand on the upper part of my stomach. “With little Miss Woods comma Elle,” His eyes widened and stared straight into mine. “See. It’s a completely different muscle.” He nodded and continued looking into my eyes.

“Now you.” Placing my hand on top of his I moved it to his own stomach above his diaphragm. “Go on. Try the last stanza.” He looked down at his stomach and took a breath of hair before looking back at me. “Guess you never can tell, with little Miss Woods comma Elle,”

“Yeah! That was great!” I didn’t seem to notice the smile that spread across my face. “Feel better doesn’t it?” He nodded, shocked at his own voice. “That’s actually really cool. Thank you.” He grabbed a water bottle near his bag and handed it to me.

“No problem. You aren’t as bad as I thought you were going to be, Han.”

“Just because I’m a dancer doesn’t mean I can’t sing.”

I shrugged and took a small sip of his water before handing it back to Jisung. “So what is this show actually about?” I laughed and took his script which was sticking out of his bag. Surprisingly it was marked up with notes, and question marks, and highlighted to all hell. “So there is this girl, Elle, that’s me. And after a terrible breakup with her boyfriend, Warner, ‘Hyunjin’, she decides to follow him to Harvard law school so she can win him back.”

“Okay. But he broke up with her?”

“She’s not very smart.”

"Anyway, she goes and she realizes she sucks at law school. So she meets you, Emmett, who is like a Teacher's Assistant who grows a soft spot for her. He helps her study and she actually gets really good at law. So the whole story is about overcoming adversity and stereotype and self-worth and strength. And Elle actually ends up telling Warner off and ends up with Emmett."

Jisung nods along and listens intently the whole time I speak. "This must be your favorite show if you know so much about it." I shook my head and sat down against the mirror. To my surprise, Han sat in front of me. “No. My favorite show is a little more morbid than this.” He scoffed and took a swig of water.

“Aren’t musicals like all happy and we love life and let’s all sing a song!”

“What is it that you think we do?”

“That.”

I sighed, seeing the stubborn personality he had start to shine through. “Listen if you are going to be in this show you have to understand that theatre is a way of expression.” He looked down at the floor. “Like...dance?” My eyes shot up to his face. “Yeah, actually. It’s not enough to just act the character’s feelings. You have to think of them as a real person and find a moment that you can connect to their feelings.”

He seemed kind of spaced and simply stared at me. “Well- um...my friend is in a show next weekend and I think it is a show you might really connect with. Would you maybe want to go? I mean, to see what theatre is actually like.” Why was I offering this to him? I didn’t care. Well, I care about the show.

“With you?”

“It could be like a bonding thing. I’d rather not hate my co-star.”

“Okay. I’ll see you next weekend.”

Looking at the time, we both scrambled to get our things and race to the theater. I couldn’t help but smile at Jisung as we both sat in the back row listening to the schedule being called out.

Nervously I twisted the ring on my right hand. Since when did I become nervous to see Jisung. It had only been a week of rehearsals, but somehow I had grown to like him. He was nice and cracked jokes with me in between scenes. Jisung had also stayed behind several times to help me with choreography.

I smoothed out the dark green dress I had chosen to wear. Was it too tight? Irene did tend to call it my ‘Ass for Days’ dress. The heels I was wearing were also starting to hurt. I stood outside the theater waiting for Jisung. The sun had just started to set and my friend Rocky sent me a text that the show was starting soon and he reserved my seats.

“Holy shit...”

Looking up I saw Jisung stop in his tracks. His eyes looked me up and down, but not in a lustful way. More like a surprised way. I couldn’t help but look at him the same way. He wore a casual fitted black suit and a white dress shirt underneath without a tie. His brown hair which was usually fluffy and tousled was now purposely parted on the side and combed through.

“Hi...”

“You look grea-” “You look beautiful-”

“Sorry...”

Holy fuck. He only looks hot because he is in a suit. That’s just science. All guys are hot in suits. It’s totally not because his hair looks great and I could see how slim his waist was compared to his chest. Oh fuck. He is in suits for the entire second act. Am I going to think like this every time I see him in a suit?

“We should go in!” I said interrupting my own less than pure thoughts. He cleared his throat and nodded, closing the gap between us as I turned to go inside. I mentally scolded myself for blushing when I felt his slender fingers grazing my lower back.

Once we (mostly me) were emotionally and hormonally safe in our seats, the two of us started talking. “So L/n, what is the show called?” He turned to me with a nervous smile. It’s not cute Y/n. It’s the suit. I swear to god it’s the suit. “It’s called A Chorus Line. It is a very dance-heavy show and the actors don’t leave the stage unless it’s intermission.”He nodded and looked around the auditorium for a moment before turning back to me.

“What’s it about?”

“Oh. Um. Well, it is about an audition for the ensemble of a Broadway show. And it talks about the lives and trials each person has had to go through just to be on stage. It’s a really great show.”

Just as he was about to speak the lights dimmed and the orchestra picked up. Throughout the show, I tried to focus on Rocky as he played Paul San Marco, but I couldn’t keep from glancing at Jisung. I couldn’t help but be fascinated by his reaction. He listened intently to the stories and monologues and when intermission came around he asked me all sorts of questions about the show and which character my friend was.

The lights dimmed once more and I couldn’t help but notice that Jisung’s hand gripped the chair tightly during the scene where Paul fell and injured his knee. Worried I looked up to see slow quiet tears on his cheeks. I turned back to the stage and looked up as the scene progressed. Carefully, I let my hand graze over his and I held it lightly. I heard him take a breath and glance over at me, and I hoped my face still seemed intent on the performance.

I tried to ignore the way my heart started beating faster when he moved his hand to lace his fingers with mine.

“I really do appreciate this opportunity to work with you.” My fingers pushed a piece of blonde hair behind my ear as I sat down on the desk near Changbin. We were running the assault scene in the wig and with full set today for the dress rehearsal. Usually I would have met up with Jisung and worked on lines together, but his call time was later than mine. “I have learned so much.” I could see Changbin give me the signal with his eyebrow. An almost ‘are you ready’ secret message that we had between us.

“No, what you’ve learned isn’t the point. You have instincts...and instincts, legal instincts or otherwise can’t be taught.”

His fingers tapped on the desk while he sustained eye contact. If I hadn’t known it was fake, a shudder would go down my spine. My ears picked up the auditorium door opening and closing, but I remained in character, waiting for Changbin to act on his cue.

“Trust... your instincts.”

There was a pause and I continued acting oblivious. ‘Suddenly’ Changbin’s lips were crashing against mine and his hands were groping at my ass. After waiting for my cue from Hyori, I pushed Bin away and did the slap we practiced. Bin laughed quite sleazily and touched his cheek. “I thought you were smarter than that.”

“Awesome! Let's change the set for Elle and Emmett.” Bangchan called from the director’s desk.

Turning I saw Jisung standing in the middle of the aisle, his grip tight on his backpack. He wore the tank top and sweats he always wore after coming from dance practice and a backwards white cap. Even from the audience I could see a mix of emotions on his face, and none were good. Things between Jisung and I had become more flowing. It turns out it wasn’t just the suit. However, I didn’t want to get into anything serious with my castmate. I didn’t even know if he liked me.

I jumped off of the stage to let Seungmin yell at the underclassmen to move sets. Running up to Jisung I greeted him with a smile. “Hi!” His face still looked sad, but he tried to cover it with a small smile. “Hi...I saw your scene. You were great. I almost couldn’t tell you were acting.”

“Thanks! You look cute in hats.” Playfully I grabbed it, letting his fluffy hair loose and placing the white hat over my blonde wig. “Yeah well, I like your natural hair better.” That same sad smile came over his face. It didn’t quite reach his eyes and I was surprised I took notice of a detail so small.

“Hey...you look nervous. Are you okay?” My hand reached out for his arm and he looked down at the touch. “Yeah. I’m fine, Y/n.” I smirked and looked up at the boy before putting the hat back on his head. “What? No more L/n?” He shrugged, but I saw a flash of a smile. “Will you help me with choreo after rehearsal?” He nodded and tossed his stuff in a chair next to Hyunjin. With a smile I thanked him and walked over to Bangchan who gave me notes on the next scene.

Three hours later Jisung and I were in the dance studio running over the biggest number I had. “And mark the lift, 1 2 3 4. Good!” He smiled and turned off the music.

“I mean, you aren’t bad. You just need a little coaching.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as Jisung used the same thing I said to him on me. “Well what have you been doing the last four weeks, huh? Should I ask Hyunjin to help me instead!” Laughing I jumped onto him and playfully pulled him down to the floor. He rolled me off of his chest and propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at me.

“Nah. I’m much better than him.”

“Really. Should I tell him that?”

“.......Since when are you so close anyway!”

He jokingly yelled. That bright smile beamed on his face and ran all the way up to his eyes. There was a moment of comfortable silence and we just lay looking at each other. In that moment, I started to question if he didn’t have feelings for me. Then he broke the silence.

“So, how do you do that thing?” He looked down at the hardwood floor. “What thing?” “You know...you and Changbin. It wasn’t real.....right?” He looked up at me, almost hopeful. Pushing my self up, I sat cross-legged and looked down at him. “What? The stage kiss. No. Bin is gay. Trust me.”

“Wait what?”

“You haven’t seen Felix and him making out in the light booth?”

“WHAT?”

I laughed at the shocked look on his face and slightly pushed his shoulder. “You’re oblivious.” He shrugged and looked back up at me. “So, how do you do it?” He started playing with the ring on my right hand. “Are you nervous about our kiss--Oh- Have you never kissed anyone!!?” Jisung shot upright.

“I have kissed lots of girls!”

“Oh, okay.”

“I HAVE!”

“Yet, you are still nervous for our kiss.”

He brought his knees up and rested his arms on them. It took every inch of my self control not to stare at his arms. “Well, it’s gonna be in front of hundreds of people so yeah. A little.”

“It’s easy. Ours especially.” I snatched his white hat from him again and he chuckled when it was a little too big for me without my wig. “Explain, good madam.” “Both are at the end of the show,” I said have laughing and him nodding along.

“The first lasts exactly one eight count and then we do the rest of the song. The second is the cue for the blackout. Not long at all.” He nodded again, yet I didn’t think I had put him at rest. “Would it help set you at ease if we rehearsed it? That way you’ve done it when it is just you and me and not six hundred and eighty four people.”

Thinking about it, he nodded and followed my lead when I stood up and cued up the music. “Okay, so I’ve just proposed,” I stated getting done on one knee. I looked up to find him smirking.

“Having fun done there?”

“I will punch you in the nuts and not regret it. You really will be singing tenor then.”

“Okay moving on.”

He laughed and looked down at me slipping the pretend ring on his finger. He sang his line with the track. A real laugh left my lips when he picked me up in a hug and spun me around. The note sounded loud and clear in the dance studio and ended when my feet touched the ground. He looked into my eyes and his hand came up to my cheek before he kissed me.

I tried to ignore the tingling sensation that ran through my body as soon as his lips touched mine. I tried to ignore how even though he had been dancing for hours he still smelled like vanilla and the grass after a storm. I tried to focus on measuring the eight count, but my mind went foggy when I felt his hand bury itself in my hair. Well if I’m not counting he is, so it’s fine. It’s fine.

Jisung subconsciously took the control I gave him. He slowed the kiss from its original pace. Every time I thought he was pulling away he came back to my lips and I thought I could feel him smiling. After a moment he pulled away and looked into my eyes. At that moment I snapped out of it, realizing the song had already ended. He was still looking at me with his big brown eyes.

“The song is over...” His voice was low and almost a whisper. “Yeah...we kinda missed our cue.” What should I do? For once in my life....my mind was blank. “Uh...I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess?” He said with the corner of his lips quirking up. After a nod, he smiled and pulled away from me. Jisung stole glances back at me frozen in place as he picked up his bag and left.

The next day I walked into the auditorium in a crop and shorts. Immediately my eyes found Jisung and a wide smile spread across my face. Slowly it fell when I saw him talking to Hyori, a smirk evident on her small face. Her eyes met mine for a second before she reached out to Han’s arm. Suddenly he turned and saw me. A cold expression resonated over his sharp features.

After saying something to her, Han looked away and headed backstage. While my heart screamed to storm over to Hyori and ask what kind of game she was playing with Han, but my head told me to let it go and focus on tonight’s show.

Woojin caught up with me and helped me get in costume and makeup for the show. Every time I tried to talk to Jisung he would just avoid me and tell me some random excuse. Even Hyunjin came up to ask me what was wrong with his friend. Soon the wig came on and it was time for the start of the show.

The laughs and cheers sounded from the crowd but in the back of my mind and in the corner of my eye I could see Han in the wings, watching me with that cold expression.

I feel so much better...

Than before

My throat burned and my stomach clenched as I held out the last note. If I couldn’t know what was going on with Jisung, I was damn sure going to give the best show I’ve ever done. Even if it destroyed my vocal cords and my body. My voice was the thing I could control right now, and it would do what I told it to. So, I told it to keep the note strong and not take the second breath.

With the conductor’s cue, I stopped and smiled brightly at the audience before the stage went black for intermission. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bangchan bolted from his front-row seat in the audience and sprinted backstage. Seungmin and Changbin both rushed up and gave me a bottle of water.

“God damn Y/n! I knew you had pipes but I thought fossil fuel was the reason we were running out of oxygen.”

“Y/n!”

Chan rushed up to me and threw me over his shoulder. “I love you. I love you. I love you, but please save your voice. We kinda need it for the second act.” I smiled and nodded, my eyes looking everywhere for Jisung. I had ten minutes to change costumes, wigs, makeup check, and somehow get him to talk to me.

“Where’s Jisung? I need to-umm...ask him about the costume change for ‘Take it Like a Man’“. I asked as calmly as possible after I had changed. Woojin told me that he was in the guy’s dressing room changing suits. Charging down the dark cramped backstage hall I opened the door to find Changbin and Jisung. With look towards Changbin he scurried out the door leaving me and Jisung alone.

“We have three minutes until curtain. You better tell me what the fuck is going on, Han.”

“Why don’t you tell me, huh?”

His brows furrowed as he raised his voice. His outburst stunned me for a moment. “Is this just this thing you do? Messing with your co-stars? Huh, L/n?” I could see in his eyes he was truly hurt. “Where the hell did you get that from!” He scoffed and finished doing his tie. “Hyori told me all about you and Jungkook.”

“Hyori?”

“Yes.”

“Hyori? The girl who Jungkook cheated on me with? Only so I would so devastated to miss the opening night and she could fill in for me.”

His expression changed drastically. “She lied?” He sank down in one of the cheap metal chairs. “Yeah it’s kind of her shtick.” He ran a hand through his hair before looking up at me again. “Y/n I am so sorry-” “I just can’t believe you trusted her word over anything I would have told you.” A heavy silence came between us and all I could do was stare at him in disbelief.

“Come on people! WARNING is NOT a suggestion! PLACES is NOT a category on jeopardy! GO is NOT A FUCKING OPTION!”

Seungmin yelled down the hall and Jisung sighed and got up from the chair. “Y/n, I-” He stopped when I put up my hand. “Listen...we’ll talk after the show.” I just had to get out of there.

Han grabbed my arm and blocked the set door. “Hey. Hey. We’ll fix it. We’ll fight it.” Something in his eyes told me the emotion was real. “Emmett. There is no reason for me to stay.” I opened the door and closed it walking onto the other side and closing it. The music started to swell and I could feel all this pent up emotion in my chest. “What about love? You never mentioned love.”

I could hear the crack in Jisung’s voice that wasn’t usually there. “You never mentioned love. The timing’s bad, I know. But perhaps if I’d made it more clear, that you belong right here, then you wouldn’t have to go.” My throat started to close up but I pushed through it and took a breath for my part of the song where we sang over each other. “Because you know that I’m so much in love-”

Back to the sun

Back to the shore

Back to what I was before

Lie on the beach, dream within reach

Don’t stray beyond

I felt real tears come down my cheeks as I moved downstage to face the lights. In my side vision I saw Jisung do the same. I had thought that I could be different. That he was different. That maybe we could put this unspoken rivalry behind us.

If you can hear, can I just say

How much I want you to stay

We returned to the door, but this time something felt different when I pressed my hand to the door.

It’s not up to me just let me be legally blonde

Seungmin pushed everyone on stage for the final scene and Woojin tugged the graduation camp over my wig and hurriedly covered the curtain call dress with the robe. Throughout the scene I couldn’t help but steal glances at Jisung. It wasn’t his fault. He had no way of knowing about Jungkook and Hyori.

Walking over to Han, I gave him a genuine smile and got down on one knee. “Emmett Forest please make me the happiest woman I know!” I sang with sureness. He spun me around like once before and took my face in his slender fingers.

And kissed me.

The grin on my lips was so big that it hurt my cheeks. I had to tap him on the shoulder when we needed to sing, but pulling away his smile was so big and genuine. He knew I had forgiven him. It felt so hard not to just stop singing and just jump into his arms. We both rushed up to the platform upstage and stood in the center.

Jisung smiled down at me and moved the tassel onto the other side of my cap, like he was supposed to. With the final cue of music, I couldn’t take it anymore and I tangled my fingers into his soft brown hair and crashed my lips onto his. I heard the roaring applause which meant the stage lights were in blackout for curtain call, but he was still kissing me. “Curtain call?” I whispered against his lips, in case my mic was still on. I felt him nod and pushed me further back on the platform and behind the center curtain without parting from my lips.

I laughed as he tried to help me pry of the robe for curtain call. “Take a break for a sec,” I said laughing and he joined me. He and I both fumbled with the buttons and tossed the hat and robe off stage to reveal the bright pink and sparkly dress for the closing of show.

“I’m impatient. Come back here.”

His hands pulled me back by my waist and pressed a heated kiss on my lips once more. Kissing him felt like time stopping. At first, I didn’t notice the cheering audience as the curtain rose again, and I honestly didn’t care. Han pulled away and smiled at me before doing his bow and then he motioned to me and the audience cheered. We clapped as Bangchan and Seungmin did their bows.

“There’s a party later. Are you going, L/n?”

“Duh. Cast party.”

“You gonna wear that green dress from last time?”

“You gonna wear that suit from last time?”

The entire cast did another bow and the curtain closed fully. When the red fabric touched the floor of the stage the cast and crew went crazy and Jisung wrapped me up in another kiss.

“HEY! NO MAKING OUT ON MY SET!”

“Sorry, Seungmin.”

“THAT DOESN”T MEAN DO IT AGAIN!”

Masterlist

Requests are open!

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kevintor · 4 years

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I Watch a Movie I Should Have Seen: Hocus Pocus

I miss doing these entries. Mostly I miss adding movies to my watched list. Obviously, I’ve never seen Hocus Pocus. That’s why we’re here.

What did I know about Hocus Pocus? I knew there were witches and I knew Bette Midler had fun teeth. And she certainly did!

My thoughts:

We open on Salem in the 1600s following the shadow of a flying witch. The music was straight out of the Danny Elfman playbook but I guess they couldn’t get him so they found an equivalent Ray Parker, Jr. to Elfman’s Huey Lewis. (If you don’t know)

Pink smoke comes out of the chimney of the witch house which means someone’s gender reveal party resulted in a girl! Unfortunately they had to sacrifice a different little girl to find out.

The old-timey boy we meet is wearing a shirt that can only be described as billowy. He should take off like a kite when he runs. Yet somehow when he violently tumbles down a forest hill, none of that very excessive fabric gets caught on anything. Is the fabric even there or are we imagining it?

The witches (Sanderson Sisters) use a book made of human skin and a functioning eyeball. I shall call this book “Columbo.”

It’s very nice of them to put a mill wheel next to the witch house for the boy to climb.

Okay, so Bette Midler has lightning fingers like Emperor Palpatine.

I honestly thought the witches were going to be misunderstood and everyone would win at the end but killing a little girl for her youth and turning the boy into an immortal cat really puts a big wrench in the redemption arc chances.

The townspeople stage a hanging. The witches curse the town that they will return much like Pennywise only scarier.

We fast forward to find out that the opening is a story that is told in a Salem high school class where the kids apparently range in age from 14-28.

A new-to-town California boy (Max) doesn’t buy into all the witch lore. No mention on why his first day of school is Halloween. Parents did not plan that move well.

Max is into Allison, the pretty girl in school that leads with her teeth in every conversation. Did Rami Malek pull some his Freddy Mercury from her?

Max rides his bike home from school at super speed. He is either an exceptional mountain biking improviser or he practiced it the day before to be really ready for school. Probably the latter.

On his shortcut through the cemetery, he runs into two kids, Jay and Ice. Jay seems to be all the bad parts of Bill and Ted combined and Ice seems to be 40.

Jay and Ice take Max’s sneakers because that’s what bullies in the early 90s did. It makes pedaling home slower which may be for the best. He rode his bike too quickly.

Max does not like being here in Salem anymore. We learn this as he angrily takes off his hat, backpack, and jacket.

Max comforts himself by awkwardly hugging and cooing to his pillow pretending it’s Allison. His little sister, Dani, catches the awkwardness, gets on the bed, and simulates being Allison which is normal.

The house appears to have an unlimited number of stairs to climb up to get away in frustration.

Max reluctantly takes his sister trick-or-treating. He has the appropriate level of older brother standoffishness.

Jay and Ice stop the sister asking for her candy. Max gives the candy to the bullies and she tells him he should have been a man and fought them. Again one of them is like 40.

Max makes up with her using a pouty face. Like! A! Man!

They find a rich house that they assume will make them bob for apples. This is a bad idea even in non-pandemic times. Never bob for apples at a stranger’s house. No matter how rich they are. That’s how rich people fatten you up to make you easier to hunt.

Max and Dani let themselves inside and start robbing the place of their Raisinets and O Henry bars. Rich people give out terrible candy.

Turns out the rich house belongs to Allison. They are having a party and everyone there is authentically dressed like royals. They did not get any of these costumes at Spirit Halloween.

Dani tells Allison that she can’t wear Allison’s royal dress because she doesn’t have yabbos and proceeds to tell her that Max loves her yabbos. This girl is outrageous. Or rude. It was a fine line in 1993.

Max asks Allison to take them to the Sanderson Sisters’ house. She tells him she’s going to quickly change out of a dress that must have taken her 45 minutes to get into.

The house is no different than it used to be. The spell book is still there. How have Jay and Ice not stolen anything from it?

Immortal Cat attacks Max when he wants to light the “virgin candle” that will bring back the Sanderson sisters. It’s a great sequence where he says the name of the movie (always important), then pulls a Zippo out of his pocket (which all kids who don’t smoke have), and lights the candle.

It starts things. Hair blows a lot. This is why they had Max be a surfer boy from California. For this hair effect.

This movie cares a lot about someone being a virgin. Even Dani knows what a virgin is. Are they covering this in her second grade class? Do the parents know? What does the PTA think?

The candle makes the Sisters return and they try to keep Dani. Bette Midler uses more of her Star Wars lightning fingers but Allison saves the day.

The cat can talk and the chances of me liking this movie just took a huge hit.

Max steals Columbo, the spell book.

The writers of the movie do the right thing by having the Sisters be scared of everything modern like roads and fire trucks. Nice touch.

The Sisters only have tonight, which adds the right amount of stakes, to get the spell book back. I don’t think I could make it if they had a week or so.

The Sisters raise the dead causing a very reluctant zombie (RZ) to chase after the kids. Most zombies love what they do so this is a fun choice.

Immortal Cat gets run over by a bus but lives because he’s immortal. We needed proof because the 300 years of being a cat was not enough.

Garry Marshall plays a guy dressed as the devil which they play for fun as the Sisters worship him but we can’t gloss over that fact that Fake Devil’s wife is played by his real-life sister, Penny Marshall. It’s not disturbing. They’re acting!

Children steal the Sisters’ brooms which probably won’t matter later.

They find a Halloween party that Max’s parents went to. When Max’s dad meets Allison, he kisses her hand. I am going to do the same to whoever my kid brings home one day. “It’s from Hocus Pocus. That movie’s fun. It’s not weird.”

Bette Midler gets to sing a song. That should satisfy the requirements from her contract. The song puts a spell on the partygoers forcing them to dance until they die. Somehow the kids are immune to it. Can they shut off their ears? Are they also magical?

The kids lure the Sisters into the school incinerator and burn them alive. It’s a strong play. The kids celebrate as if there is not 30 minutes left in the movie.

Immortal Cat, in a time of reflection, brings up his sister and Max says “You really miss her, huh?” He has been trapped as a cat after failing to save his sister’s life 300 years earlier. He misses her. Why not “Hey, do you ever wonder what might have happened if you saved her life?”

Without any explanation, the Sisters are fine. They run into Jay and Ice who insult them. The Sisters cage Jay and Ice and make them hang from the witch house ceiling. The bullies are crying. Maybe they aren’t so tough after all. <High Fives No One>

Allison decides to find a spell to uncat Immortal Cat. She opens Columbo causing it to glow. The glow lures Bette Midler and the Sisters to her. Allison fails to notice the glow but learns that salt can keep them safe.

The Sisters steal the book and Dani when Allison only uses the salt to protect herself. She really took care of number one here.

Now Sarah Jessica Parker gets to sing a real creepy song that summons all the children from the town. It really shows you the power of song. Again, Max and Allison must have turned off their hearing for this.

Max and Allison trick the Sisters into thinking sun is coming early by using a car headlight. It works but I don’t understand why. They had the sun 300 years ago. They know what it looks like. “Is that a person in a brown sweat suit and green hat or a tree?”

While the Sisters are scared of the car headlight, Max steals back his sneakers but doesn’t save the bullies. How does he know he won’t need the bullies to be on his side in the future? Has he not seen every other high school movie?

They drive away and Bette Midler brooms after them. We know how fast Max likes to go so it is impressive Bette Midler can keep up.

Reluctant Zombie shows up and Max pulls a knife on him. So Max has a knife and a zippo. He might be a problem.

They take the final showdown to a cemetery which is an odd choice. Why not a miniature golf course or a TCBY. Were they still around in 1993?

Max brings a bat to a magic fight. Allison still has her salt. “Bats and salt: Working together to inconvenience witches since 1881!”

Max sacrifices himself to save Dani. The sun comes up as Bette Midler is sucking the life out of Max. Just when you think it might be a better sun-impersonating headlight, Bette Midler turns into a statue and explodes. Definitely the sun.

Immortal Cat dies so he can be with his sister. Billowy shirt ghost appears to say thanks with a kiss on Dani’s cheek (so normal) before he runs off with his ghost sister for eternity.

They did it! They saved Salem! Quite a first day for Max..

The movie was fine. I hate talking animals unless they are cartoons so that didn’t help. And why did they care so much about virgins? A friend told me that “virgin” meant “pure of heart.” Well then they should have said “pure of heart.” And if I can suggest, between Max’s predilection for weapons and Allison’s selfishness with the salt, I don’t think they should stop being “pure of heart” with each other. They aren’t a good couple. Going through a traumatic thing like killing summoned witches from the Pilgrim days causes feelings that can’t last.

#i watch a movie i should have seen #hocus pocus #bette midler #scary #halloween #movies #90s movies #sarah jessica parker #kathy najimy #sanderson sisters #funny #comedy #Movie Reviews

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fortunatelycooltrash · 4 years

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So people love to say that America doesn’t have free healthcare because the quality would sink and the waits would go up. Now, while those are valid worries despite being no excuse for the atrociously high prices of even minior procedures, I’d like to share some bullshit that I’ve experienced involving normal US hospitals and medical branches alike.

My root canal is going to cost 2500 dollars because it is not covered by most dental plans despite it being a completely necessary procedure that directly affects my health. Absorb that then absorb the fact this plan covers some of braces. The crown alone is costing over 1200.

I almost died in a hospital waiting room because my ‘stomach ache’ that was causing me so much pain I was sick with it wasn’t severe enough to qualify for immediate attention. Undiagnosed Appendicitis.

My nephew and sister almost met their end because an incompetent doctor misdiagnosed my sister with a URI. She had type A flu.

My cousins father had a doctor who refused to diagnose him despite him coming back constantly because of lethargy. Said he couldn’t find anything wrong. Her father was poor and had really bad insurance. Finally he went to another doctor and was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He could have lived if he had been diagnosed a year or two prior before it spead but by the time he got his diagnosis, it was too late. He died, I believe, a few months later but I was young so he might have made it a year or longer.

I suffered from chronic nosebleeds as a child to the point that blood didn’t even scare me anymore. The doctor told my mother that it was coming from wounds inside my nose and I was most likely picking at it and there was nothing medically wrong with me. My mother, knowing even as a child I knew not to waste her money, took me to another doctor. Severe Anemia. Still suffer from it too this day. Have to take those horrid tasting red pills🤢.

My aunt constantly butchering her budget because she needs her insulin and it’s cost keeps getting higher despite it remaining relatively the same. Luckily my state is looking to cap it at 100 though if that will actually go into effect isn’t determined yet.

My mom, bless her, repeatedly going in for her back aching only to be told pain was normal for someone of her weight and age. Nope, she is a nurse and turned people that were 300 pounds or more. She had completely blown her back and had a pinched nerve that was so severe she could barely stand without pain. The doctor that diagnosed her was surprised she could even walk.

My sister, having a grand mal seizure in the nurses office of a high school. They told her to stop faking. That bitch wasn’t even a real nurse so this one doesn’t count but I had to mention this because why the fuck wasn’t a registered nurse hired?

My (other) aunt having minor chest pain then suffering a heart attack in the waiting room because they had her wait so long since she didn’t seem serious. I’m sure that’s going to have lasting damage that could have been easily prevented.

My sister giving birth and getting a 28,000 dollar bill for a room and care for her and the baby. She was there for a day and a half. She didn’t even have a long or complicated delivery.

My mother being told she was completely fine to continue working despite having an off feeling about her third pregnancy(about 24 years ago) the doctor told her there were no complications and she could go on as normal. She miscarried her seven month along daughter three days later because her placenta was underneath the baby and tore. That doctor is still in practice.

The nurses in my mothers delivery room ignoring both her and the monitor. Which, if they had been looking at, clearly desplayed my older brother with his umbilical core wrapped tight around his neck. He lived because my moms main doctor walked in and had a conniption fit when he noticed the vitals dropping. He’s the doc my sis uses now. A good man.

(Same bro)My older brother turning blue everytime he cried being brushed off. Hole in his heart that has since closed.

When I was younger, I slipped in the shower and hit my head so hard against the metal lining of it(stall shower) that the skin split open and abscessed. My doc treated the abscess but did no further testing after a 4 hour wait. As we were leaving, I don’t remember much of this week my mom told me, I vomited and passed out in the parking lot. Had a concussion.

My brother being misdiagnosed with the flu, strep, and a few other things over the course of a few weeks before one doctor finally tested him for HIV. It was positive. Luckily he only had one partner. Unluckily, the partner was the one that gave it to him via cheating on him.

Me, almost dying of a violent case of strep throat because they said I had a sinus infection. My fever peaked at 104 then, blessedly, broke. I do not remember this as the memories of the days I was sick are incredibly fever burned but I remember wrapping blankets around me because I was so cold.

The strep attacked so quick and harshly that if I had lived alone it probably would have killed me since I wouldn’t have been able to get help and I would’ve kept trying to get ‘warmer’ and helped raise my temp over 106. You typically don’t come back from that one unharmed. If at all.

My older bro(cord baby) being told suffering from auditory hallucinations was a common thing(not wrong but they should have actually asked about his family history and idk, did more??) he had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. He is medicated and much happier now.

Me breaking my gotdamn pointer knuckle and the x-ray person getting blurry x-rays that she used despite the fact that they weren’t accurate. Thank you bitch, now my abnormally short pointer finger clicks because it began to set wrong.

Theres a few more but I’m currently giving my bro a hard time for texting me a text meant for his bf so imma bounce for now. May add more later. The whole point to this was to show people that don’t want free health care because the ‘quality would go down’ or the ‘wait would be too long’ that the wait is already long enough for you to die anyway and the quality already sucks ass if you’re poor because they will not diagnose you correctly.

Or They will misdiagnose you then blame YOU when you sue(happened to my mom in that miscarriage one but because he hadn’t wrote a release back to work she had no actual proof he’d told her she could.)

Or They will overcharge you for things that have a far cheaper value simply because they can and you can’t do anything about it because you need that procedure or medicine to keep your health good.

I can understand things like heart surgery or transplants, you know, the big major stuff not being free because yeah that shit takes a fuck ton of resources and care so I get it, I do. I can reasonably say “Yup that should cost thousands.” I mean, I’m don’t even avocate for fully FREE healthcare, I just want a limit on their overpricing bull shit to where it matches with economic standards.

You can’t expect someone with an average 7-4 job that pays 10/hr(oooh ya, y’all think I’d go higher? Guess what, young people starting out their careers also get sick!) to drop thousands upon thousands of dollars for whatever. The sad thing is I can say ‘whatever’ and you can actually think of multiple things that aren’t that major or that resource draining yet still cost thousands.

Even someone making 15/hour couldn’t do that and I’d be hard pressed to say even 20-25/hr could do that. They may have it better and be able to pay it off faster but they’d still be in debt for a while or have to work years after their planned retirement to make up for the lost savings if they were lucky enough to have them.

I’ve also heard people complaining about it raising taxes but you’ll spend way more getting something done at a hospital then you’d spend on those taxes in a year.

Besides, if you’re so pissed about taxes then to even it out protest the stupid taxes. Your house? Taxed. Your inheritance that you gain but also leave behind to care for your family? Taxed. Your property that you bought 100% full price paid? Taxed every year. Your car? Taxed.

How bout getting pissed about those instead of getting pissy about people getting their health fixed? There are plenty of ridiculous taxes so I don’t know why people are so against having one that actually helps people.

Sorry for this rant, I know it’s not centered around my profile theme but I am majorly pissed off that I’m about to have to let a tooth rot out of my head because my insurance decided that: covering something cosmetic like braces? Yeah! Covering a completely necessary surgery that can actually harm/kill the person via infection if left untreated? Nope, that costs us more!

I can’t drop two fucking grand on dental surgery. It’s just not happening. I don’t know anyone who can do that shit. Anyone who gets pissed off about me posting this: go slam a hammer against your tooth until it cracks down the middle, exposing your nerve to the harsh unforgiving world then let it develop a cavity around it.

Afterwards, try to eat literally anything: hot, cold, hard, soft, it doesn’t matter. You’ll cry, I promise. Now imagine being told the only way to fix that is to cough up over two grand and if you can’t well then oh fucking well? Kinda hurts ya a bit. Not nearly as much as the tooth but still.

Hell, I know dental probably wouldnt even get covered if they made healthcare reduced or free but this whole situation has reminded me just how fucked you are if you get anything remotely wrong with you in the U.S

#freehealthcare #no i dont plan on having kid too many bad genes #america #americanhealthcare

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elucere · 4 years

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sad late august quarantine thoughts

When quarantine first started, I really thought this would be easy for me. And in some way, I was right. This has been easier for me than the average person and, arguably, much better than the first half of my year. I graduated in December and didn’t land a single job after pretty aggressively applying during my last semester. So during the months of January and February, I was completely broke and moved in with my family. I didn’t have any money or means to do anything but sit at home all day and wallow.

Being a student was such a core part of who I was and to suddenly lose that and have nothing to fall back on really did a number on me. Not only that, but the self-hatred was killing me. Not being able to snag a job was entirely my own fault- I just wasn’t good enough. The weight of failure followed me everywhere and I felt so completely defeated all the time. I was trying my best to stay busy one way or another but it felt impossible to find the energy to do anything. I filled my time by watching 12 seasons of Criminal Minds or cramming 30 DCOMs within one week. And when I wasn’t doing something stupid, I was crying. I found a job right before quarantine started and every single day I’m thankful. It was truly no less than divine intervention and it truly made the difference with quarantine.

More than anything, though, what helped with quarantine is the fact that I’m used to being alone. My junior and senior year of college, especially, I didn’t really make friendships with the people I dormed with and none of those previous residential relationships followed me. At this point, I was eating every single meal alone. When I was upset, the only relationships I had to fall back on were ones I cultivated online. I already had a less than traditional college experience. The only parties I went to were my club’s socials and beyond the people I met there, I had nothing. Even then, if I was in large groups of people I would just completely shut down or not go. At first, being alone 90% of the time was very depressing. I cried a lot. But then, I got used to it.

Which, when you think about it at first, isn’t that bad. The moments you have with yourself are just comfortable, neither really good or bad. And people say to live in the moment, yaknow? But moments only last so long. We don’t spend most of our time doing exciting things or going to exciting places. Like, hell, I work a 40 hour work week, do you think I’m trying to live in the moment? No, we spend most of our time reflecting and looking forward. Live in the moment is only a sentiment that’s worth so much. I remember going to Disneyland 4 years ago and when I was riding Big Thunder Mountain, I remember thinking to myself, “You’re in Disneyland this is your favorite place and you’ve been looking forward to this trip forever. Enjoy this moment.” And honestly, I would’ve probably enjoyed that moment just as much even if I didn’t have that moment of reflection. That temporary gratitude is only worth so much. But the memory of that trip is still able to give me happiness. Life is a collection of moments and you get to pick what stays with you. Living for and in the current moment is exhausting and not everyone can find enough joy in the little things to fufil them.

Getting used to your own company isn’t inherently a bad thing, but I think I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I would decline large outings, minimize my attempts at making friends, spend at least a year not talking to people in a group before I felt comfortable because I was so wrapped up in my insecurities. That’s what it all boils down to, I suppose, at least for me. Because when I’m out with other people, I’m happy for a few hours, and then I come home and it’s just straight crippling self-hatred. “Was I funny enough? Was I annoying? Did they like talking to me? I should ask if they enjoyed themselves? They won’t answer honestly even if they did. How would I know, then? Would they not invite me out again? And if they don’t, that just sucks. If they told me what was bothering them, I could fix it but now they aren’t giving me the chance.” And it goes on and on and on until I’ve convinced myself I’m the worst. And then eventually, the person does drop me because I basically projected all that insecurity onto the relationship and made those worries true. And then because I’m worried about doing that to someone else, I end up internalizing all my worries and it just gets worse and worse to the point where I have to go to the bathroom and cry during outings because I already feel like I’ve let everyone down. At this point, when a friendship begins to drift, I’ve already cut that person off in my mind because I’ve convinced myself that this was just an inevitability of the friendship, that I was never good enough for them and they were just talking to me until they found something better. Being alone may have denied me happy moments with others, but it also prevented me from creating painful memories.

This is where social media has kind of crippled my ability to form relationships with people too. Because I don’t want to reach out to a close friend and share this, no that’d scare them off. So let me post about my deepest fears and pain to like 100+ people on my finsta. That’s healthy and normal. Let me complain on my 300+ follower twitter account. And then I develop an unhealthy relationship with those sites when I don’t get the response I’m expecting. Posting online is like having friends without gambling individual heartbreak. When I put effort into a tweet or a project and it doesn’t get acknowledged, I feel it reflecting badly on me. It’s only a matter of time before I get caught up on how I come off online too and suddenly, it’s hard for me to post. I don’t know what to say. I’m not getting engagement, everyone must hate me. I don’t feel close to anyone. Everyone else has such close friend groups and it’s so hard for me to find that for myself, so what’s the point? So I get overwhelmed and leave for a while, but it’s a cycle like anything else in life.

Being so wrapped up in people’s hypothetical perceptions of you sucks so much. In April, I started writing for DiscussingFilm. Film criticism wasn’t really something I imagined myself doing and quite honestly I’m not sure how I ended up there. I’m grateful for the opportunity and everything it’s given me, but it also gives me something more to be insecure about. I’m a chronic overwriter. My stuff is way too long for no reason. That may just be my style, but when I read other people’s reviews, I burn with jealousy. They’re able to condense their thoughts so succinctly and clearly. We have the same words at our disposal, the same complexities of the human language, and yet how I express a thought is so much more awkward and jumbled. I hate it. And I sit at home, stressing to high heaven over some 1.2k word review just sick with worry about how others will perceive it. What they’ll think of it. If they’ll be disappointed. I can’t imagine a bigger heartbreak than the thought of someone opening my work, reading it, and thinking that it was a waste of their time. And that has most definitely happened somewhere in the world and I feel just so powerless to stop it.

That goes beyond insecurity though and speaks more to the feelings of powerlessness. This standard that you’ve set for yourself and if you can’t reach it, you feel awful. Not everything is in our control, but we have to assign a certain level of personal responsibility to it or else the chaos is overwhelming. It’s a fine line to walk, and honestly, I don’t know how to do it. How much of someone else enjoying my work within my control? Or getting hired? Or other people’s perception of me? If they think I’m funny or annoying? Probably less than I’d like to admit, but definitely a lot less than I’m comfortable with. Because even when I’m insecure, I’m still living in a logical reality where my actions have nearly complete control of other people’s perceptions of me and I could easily change them. But it’s not that simple and I don’t think it ever will be, really. So what am I supposed to do about it? Just stop stressing?

One of my favorite musicals is Newsies. The protagonist, Jack Kelly, is obsessed with leaving New York and going to Santa Fe and just becoming a cowboy. He feels trapped by the city and Santa Fe is his idealization of freedom. There’s a moment where he’s talking to his friend and she asks him if he’s going there or if he’s running away. Because, you see, if you’re going there and it’s not the right place you can go somewhere else. But if you’re running away nowhere will ever be the right place.

So when I was in high school, I idolized the concept of going away to college. I thought that if that happened, I would finally have the space to be myself and finally be happy. So when I had a really bad college experience, I realized college was my Santa Fe and I was running away. I had brought all of my baggage with me and my insecurities and my emotional turmoil and nowhere will ever be the right place for me until I work through those things. At first, I thought my problem was the people, so I cut them out. But now, I know that’s wrong.

Quarantine has given me a lot of time to self reflect. Who am I? What do I like? But more than that, it’s revealed to me how incredibly lonely I’ve kept myself. And I’ve always felt this way and somehow each year I manage to push myself more and more away from others. Newsies ends with Jack deciding to stay in New York because he realized he didn’t really want to leave, he wanted a reason to stay. He wanted to feel loved and valued, which is what we all do. To try and trick myself that the best way to protect myself is to shut myself off was stupid. Dumb. There are at least 35 DCOMs that come to this conclusion and I shouldn’t be having this conversation at 22.

I think what did it for me was the realization that I would be in the same place with or without COVID. It’s one thing to say that you’re sad because of all the things you can’t do, but the realization that you wouldn’t be doing those things regardless hurts a little more. It’s being accutely aware of how much you’ve taken for granted. The fact that I’m feeling just as fine now, amidst a global pandemic, as I have my entire life just speaks to how awful the mental prison is where I’ve trapped myself. Just because it’s always been this way doesn’t mean that it’s the best way for me. I deserve to do better for myself, but why won’t I let myself have it?

Normally, I’d internalize this. But that doesn’t really push me to change. Sometimes, all you need is for other people to recognize how you feel so you don’t really feel as alone. I don’t really expect people to read all of this. There’s so much happening in the world that we feel powerless to fix. I try so hard to do my part but it’s just exhausting. So many injustices are than the problems of one person feels so trivial. But I’d like to imagine that the struggles of trying to find yourself, especially right now when we’re so disconnected from another, is universal. This is one thing that we can fix. I am so sick and tired of being lonely and just hating myself so much. I want to be better, I want to feel better, and I want to figure this all out. But I’m not quite sure how. Vocalizing this all feels good and it feels productive, but at this point I just don’t know how to talk to people. But I’ll try and I guess that’s all I can really do.

Quarantine and a global pandemic may be a box we’re forced in, but it doesn’t mean we have to put ourselves in a mental one. When quarantine is over, we are going to walk out of it as new people and now is the time to decide what commitnments we want to make and what actual changes we’re going to work towards during this time to make sure those wishes for ourselves become a reality.

I love all of you so much. You have value and are appreciated in your life. People are so complicated and sometimes it’s hard to grasp that everyone else has lives that are just as complex and nuanced as your own. Everyone is struggling and everyone is succeeding simultaneously in this big, increasingly chaotic world. So give yourself some credit and know your worth. It’s hard to define who you are, especially when you don’t really have others to compare yourself to and better define the differences. But also, remember people aren’t just one thing. Just follow what you like, try new things, and look inward just as much as you look outward.

#mine

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