#in fact i’m pretty sure it’s wrong but i’m too lazy to change it

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Nimona headcanons I wrote instead of sleeping

Sometimes the boys forget that Nimona isn’t human 

Like they’re used to the shifting into animals aspect of Nimona because she does it as often as she breathes

But sometimes she’ll do some really creepy shit like make her arms longer to reach something when she’s too lazy to get up

One time they shifted just their neck to be like an owl so they could turn their head 180 degrees instead of just turning around cause that was “too boring” 

Or he’ll mimic people’s voices without realizing it 

Sometimes he’ll tell a story and suddenly he’s using Bal’s voice 

The first time she did this Bal searched the whole house cause he was convinced that Todd has snuck in

Or she’ll grow an extra arm to hold more shit and they take a moment to realize “oh yeah we adopted a little weirdo” 

They get used to it after a while and the arguments surrounding it are always funny because both the boys will complain and say “I don’t sound like that” and they have to be told “No love you do you really do” 

You know those videos of babies reacting to their parents shaving their facial hair or putting on glasses 

That’s Nimona's reaction every single time the boys change their appearance even the smallest bit they cant shave or wear their reading glasses because if they do he freaks out 

Talking some “help me Nemesis I heard bosses voice but I can’t find him” while Bal was standing right in front of them 

It was the first time he shaved his face in years and he’s never doing it again 

Mostly cause Ambrosius kept telling him he looked like a teenager and it was freaking him out 

I feel like Bal and Ambrosius are those kinds of people who will tell people about the little injuries but neglect the big ones 

Like Bal mentioned that he thinks he sprained his ankle during the fight at the institute but he won’t mention that he’s pretty sure he got a concussion 

(BECAUSE THIS MAN HEAD-BUTTED TWO PEOPLE WHEN HE HAS A METAL ARM) 

(I’m bout to wrap this man in bubble wrap and give him a helmet because wtf) 

Ambrosius will complain the whole day about the fact that he has a paper cut

But will completely neglect to inform his doctors “Oh yeah I can’t move my left arm higher than my waist without pain and I can’t see that well out of my left eye or hear that well out of my left ear do you think that’ll be a problem?” 

It isn’t until Nimona makes an off handed comment about how this super weird that the laser did basically nothing to him that he told both of them

They literally dragged him to the ER because “Who thinks those symptoms are normal Nemesis what is wrong in that pretty little head of yours!!” 

When Bal tells Nimona she’s being a bit of a hypocrite (cause who refers to an arrow as a splinter?) she turns to him and says “I know you’re not saying something Mr. Human battering ram” 

It took literally everything in Ambrosius not to break down laughing

After that she forces them to have frequent checkups with the doctor because these dorks wouldn’t go otherwise

Honestly I'm fully convinced that some people in the kingdom don't know who Nimona is and are constantly confused why they let this little weirdo follow them around 

And finally the curiosity will eat away at them and they’ll finally ask 

Sometimes the boys will give some “normal” answers like “Oh that’s Nimona” and they won’t elaborate at all

Sometimes they’ll give funnier answers like “Oh that’s a raccoon we found in the garage who turned into a person one day” “I don’t know they just showed up in our living room” and their personal best “You see her too?” 

And their favorite that they only started using a couple of years down the line “Oh that’s our kid”

[joelsmochi]

Joel Miller — There You Go

warnings: post-apocalypse, pre-ellie, age change + gap (joel is 53, reader is 33), smut (minors dni), unprotected piv sex + creampie, outdoor/public sex, reader has a thing for joel’s hands, joel has a thing for reader being a pillow princess, joel also has a thing for praising reader, joel loves spoiling reader what more can i say, definitely ooc joel, pet names (baby, pretty girl, doll, etc.), dirty talk, vanilla sex (? should this even count as a warning LMFAO), possessive!joel (only a little it's kinda cute), fluffy!joel, probably an over-usage of the word “pretty”, i always lazy proofread so there may be some typos <3 wc: 4k a/n: there are so many mean!joel or rough!joel smuts (don’t get me wrong i be eating that shit up!) so i thought i’d do something a lil different & give y’all a sweet and endearing joel smut <3 this is lowkey inspired by the scene from jason’s lyric + inspired by a comment i saw where someone said pedro/joel would definitely talk you through it .-.

masterlist

“The sun feels so good,” I think aloud. “Come lie down! You should try it!” I glance over at Joel who is cleaning the pot that we just ate dinner out of.

“You’re gonna get sunburnt,” is all he says. I don’t respond, enjoying the warm blanket the sun is providing. A few minutes later I hear him sit next to me which makes him block the sun from my face so I open my eyes and smile up at him.

He and I aren’t that close, but it never hurt to try and grow closer with him—sometimes he’d give in and laugh with me, but most of the time it was like talking to a brick wall that occasionally grunted at you or rolled its eyes. I understand though. I’m sure he lost someone he loved so deeply and that kind of shit changes you. I’ve lost more people than I can count and no matter how much you try to prepare for it, you’re just never ready. That’s why I always try to get him to smile, I want him to know that someone still cares about him even if he doesn’t care for anyone anymore.

But I know he does. I know for a fact that he cares about me. He never let’s me hold him when we’re trying to sleep but the second I hear his breaths deepen I always wrap my arms around him and he shuffles his back deeper into my body. I loved the way he was too emotionally calloused to warm up to me because it makes me want to fight harder for him which reinforces the fact that I care about him.

“Thank you for dinner, you sure know how to whip up some twenty-year-old ravioli,” I joke.

He just nods and looks at the trees in front of us.

“How old were you when this all started? Thirty-two?”

“Thirty-three,” he corrects.

“Hmm, same age I am now.”

“Ain’t that a bitch?” He huffs, clearly exhausted from our hike. I sit up in front of him and grab his hands; he tries to pull back while giving me a dirty look so I just grip him harder. “What are ya doing?” He asks.

“Holding your hands,” I say with a cheeky tone and a grin.

“Why?”

“Because I think about touching ‘em all the time,” I tease.

He takes a few breaths, watching to see if I break my smile. “You think… About my hands?”

“Mm-hmm,” I hum, “I think about your fingers.” I hold one of his hands up to my face and analyze his digits, memorizing the cuts and bruises and wrinkles along them. Even though my words are true, I still played as if I were joking endearingly, but the more I looked at his fingers the more complicated it got. I feel my nipples perk up underneath my tank top from the cool breeze and… Well, from being horny. “I think you’re a cool guy,” I say after looking at him and dropping his hand.

“Why?”

Shrugging, I say, “Because you take care of me. You teach me a lot.”

His eyebrows rise and force wrinkles onto his forehead. “I teach you a lot?”

I hum again, nodding slowly and blinking even slower not able to hide my true intentions anymore. “Yeah, you… Taught me how to use a gun safely… You taught me how to get past an infected… You taught me how to hunt a buck.”

“Shit your parents shoulda taught ya when your were a kid,” he retorts, letting me know he doesn’t see my desperation.

“Maybe,” I whisper. I carefully move onto my hands and knees, slowly crawling closer to him. “Maybe I was just meant to have you as my teacher.” The look in his cold eyes shifted yet he continues to leave me confused. I may be overstepping here, but his lack of resistance only urges me to push further and further. I bat my eyelashes at him and reach my nose just in front of his. “You could even teach me how to fuck.”

His eyes bat shut and he exhales as if he were committing the worst of sins. His eyes reopen after a few quiet seconds and they flicked between both of my own eyes. His cold irises were now warm with dilated pupils and his pulse is beating so strong I could see it pump against the skin along his collarbones. I glance at his lips more than once and press one of my hands to his thigh.

“Is this okay?” It comes out shakier than I intended it to as my breathing feels much heavier than before. Joel makes me feel so small but in the best way possible. It’s as if he were my sworn protector and I could always count on him to be there for me. Like a lovestruck twenty-year-old, I cling to him in my most desperate of times even though he pretends to hate it. I could tell he likes having someone to take care of, and I love that he takes care of me.

Hesitating, he nods and carefully reaches for my forearms.

“You sure?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he whispers sounding more desperate than me.

I can’t help but simper at both his confirmation and touch, finally touching my nose to his. A knot twists deeply into my stomach, and my chest fills with waves of nervousness. “I’ve only done it a couple times,” I whisper.

“That’s okay,” he hums against my lips, his chest rumbling at the low vibrations from his voice. “I’ll teach you.”

I snicker and giggle at his words earning the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen on him in the time I’ve known him, then he presses his lips to mine so softly I thought I was imagining it. The smack of his warm mouth dazes me momentarily and I grasp onto his shoulders before completely falling into his touch. He lies back onto the blanket and encapsulates my body with his thick legs and firm arms. He whines into my mouth and holds onto my waist as if I would fall apart if he let go.

I pull away after a while to look down at him, wondering how we should start. It’s been well over a decade since my last time and I don’t want to disappoint Joel.

“Lie down,” he instructs while admiring my flustered look.

I do as he says and allow him to take my shoes off, which he does so carefully. I always pegged Joel to be a bit rougher, and eager for it, especially after a long time of waiting.

His fingertips nuzzle the hairs along my calves and thighs up until they reach the hems of my shorts and this is where my expectations become true; he wraps his fingers into the folds and tugs gently, probably trying to pace himself, but the rise and fall of my chest catch his attention and his patience runs out. He yanks my button undone and doesn’t even bother taking my shorts off, he just slips his hand inside to feel around. I prop myself up with my elbows to get a better view of everything. He strokes the stubble along my pelvis, then around my clit, dipping down to my entrance and slightly parting my lips to see how ready I am.

I inhale at the feeling of his warm finger coming into contact with my cool precum, locking eyes with him to watch the subtleties in his face change at every new feeling he notices. He just barely whispers, “Fuck,” when he rises his finger to my clit. He gives it a gentle stroke and watches me breathe slowly for him. “You’re doing so good, staying still like that for me,” he praises. I bite my lip and confidently smile at him. He starts to rub soft circles onto my skin, eliciting a gentle coo from me. The space between my eyebrows tightens at the relief and my eyes close softly. “Fuck, look at’ya… So eager for me already, huh?” I look at him and nod. “Tell me how bad you want it, doll.”

“Do you remember the night we first met?” I ask between moans. “And I had that cut on my arm that you had to clean and wrap? All I could do was stare at your fingers and—and imagine how good they would feel rubbing my clit the way you’re doing right now. It was the first night I had touched myself in almost a year.”

He squints at me sharing this information and rewarding me with more pressure from his fingers. “And how often do you touch yourself now?”

“In the past two years I’ve known you?” I sheepishly ask; he nods and halts his moving fingers. Desperately wanting him to keep going, I shout, “Almost anytime I get left alone for longer than ten minutes.”

“Since we’re being honest…” He leans down to my ears to whisper, “…Sometimes I leave you alone to touch myself as well.” He takes his hand out of my shorts to slide them off of me.

He looks around the trees, and I do the same to make sure no one living or infected is around; once we’re sure it’s clear he sits to remove his boots which I laugh when it starts to take a long time. I reach for his shirt buttons, undoing them carefully as a few were hanging literally by a thread. I push his flannel shirt off of his arms while he finally kicks his boots off, then he hovers his head over mine and just barely pushes his pants down to reveal his swollen cock. I reach for it despite my intimidation at the girth but he stops me, guiding me to lie down again.

“Joel?”

“Yes, baby?” He asks against the skin above my collarbone whilst placing lovely kisses all over my neck.

“It’s really big,” I say tensely, laughing at myself.

He gives me a juicy kiss and shares a winsome look with me. “I’ll be gentle if you want,” he promises. I barely smile, not realizing how harshly my nails are digging into his arm. I give him a slight nod and spread my legs slowly for him. “I promise I’ll be real nice to your pretty pussy.”

I lift my head up to kiss him again and he shifts to rest his body weight on top of me with his hand reaching between our bodies to line his tip up with my entrance. His tongue folds over my lips and into my mouth restlessly and I feel his hips push forward against me. I prepare myself for the discomfort, squeezing my eyes tightly and pulling away from the kiss to brace myself.

It’s difficult to breathe with my ribcage pushing against him and I feel him leave a trail of kisses along my jawline in an attempt to soothe me. I constantly squeeze around his thick cock, trying to ignore the slight burning and get used to the pain faster. He notices how long I remain tense and anxious, so he taps my cheek gently with his fingers and I open my eyes to look at him which relaxes almost every nerve in my body.

“Just relax, honey, okay? Can you do that for me?” My eyes roll to the back of my head as his raspy voice continues to beg me to relax. “Hmm? Can you relax for me, baby girl?” He pulls back a little and begins to slowly pump himself in and out of me, chuckling as he watches my body actively relaxing around and beneath him. “There you go… There you go… Here.” He adjusts his knees to be flush against the back of my thighs and moves my arms and legs to wrap around his back. “How’s this?”

I wait for him to start moving again, noticing the difference in closeness. “Yes!” I hiss. I feel his hand pop my boobs out of the top of my tank top and I look to his fingers to watch them rub against the sewn-in rose in the middle of the shirt, but soon enough his hand cups my boob and gives it a delicate squeeze. I notice my pussy get wetter at the steady pace he is going at, feeling the curve of his cock hit the deeper parts of me.

“That feel good, baby?”

“Yes, Joel,” I moan. I slide the straps of my shirt off of my arms to get a better grip on him making him smile at the now bunched-up fabric around my waist. All I can do is moan and roll my eyes back and forth at his cock filling me up repeatedly. With my thighs trembling around his hips, my nails digging into his back, and my back arching deeper into the ground, he lifts his upper half off of me more than likely to see me—all of me.

He drives his hips faster, not fully entering inside of me but using the curve of his shaft to his advantage. As my hands flail around either gripping the sheet or his arms, I accidentally dig my knees into his stomach, and I can tell it’s hurting him but he doesn’t stop.

“Come on, baby,” he grunts, somehow managing to go even faster, “cum for me, pretty girl, I can feel it—oh, look at’cha!”

I whine at the ticklish feeling of his tip rubbing against my g-spot, feeling sudden shocks in my nerves from my stomach to my feet. I feel my muscles stop squeezing around him and start pushing against him as my orgasm creeps up. Joel hunches over to pop one of my nipples into his mouth adding waves of electricity to swim through the rest of my body.

“Joel, I—“

“Shh, shh shh shh,” he mumbles against my breast. “Look at me, darlin’. Hold onto me.” My fingers wrap into his curls and I watch his eyes trail over my face. I feel myself fall over the edge and into my orgasm, and his words seem to only exist to intensify this burst of energy. “God, look at you cumming for me—oh, my God, I can feel it," he repeats. "I can feel you cumming, it feels so fucking good."

“Yeah?” I whimper. “Fuck, please don’t stop!” He grunts and gets a bit more sloppy with his thrusts which help ride out the rest of my orgasm. I release his hair and drop my legs down next to his, feeling soreness spreading throughout my thighs from them being stretched. “Do you want to switch?” I ask after seeing how tired he is.

He pretty much pouts and shakes his head, cupping my face in one of his hands. “No, baby. I wanna take care of you,” he says. “You look so pretty in the sun.”

I blush to thank him, then take his scruffy face into my hands and give him a few kisses until they turn into our tongues dancing together. I moan at the taste of his skin, pushing my hips down to get his shaft deeper inside of me.

He listens to my body and instead of thrusting he rocks his hips after resting some of his weight on me again. I feel the layers of sweat from both of us stick his skin to mine but we just ignore it. All I care to focus on are his groans and the way his cock fits so perfectly inside of me.

“I was made just for you,” I moan, reaching out to run my hands along the hair on his chest.

He shoves one of my legs up on his shoulder, bending forward to somehow fuck me even deeper. “You were made just for me?” He asks, kissing the inside of my knee.

I mewl out, cursing at how smoothly his hips continue to roll in between my thighs. “Yes, Joel!” I shout when he shoves his dick all the way inside of me, stopping once he presses against my depths. “My pussy was made just for you!”

I watch his pretty eyes roll under his twitching eyelids, and he whimpers. He actually fucking whimpers. I gasp at his shaft throbbing inside of me and cradle the back of his head.

He lifts himself to his knees again, forces my legs to spread apart, and pulls out. “Fuck, baby,” he groans with furrowed eyebrows. “You keep talking like that you’re gonna make me cum too fast.”

Grinning wide, I sit up and turn around to my hands and knees like earlier. I figured a change in position could help excite things a bit more, plus my ass is starting to hurt. I moan and giggle while I tauntingly wave my ass for him to grab. Instead, he yanks my knees back knocking me down to my stomach which admittedly hurt a little bit, but I didn’t care. I finally got to have Joel and that was all I needed.

He pushes my legs apart with his chest pressing against my back. I shudder at his warm breath on my sweat-covered cheek and ear, flinching when he nibbles on my lobe—not from pain, but surprise. He moves down to bite my shoulder, then my spine before I feel his hand push his thick cock back inside of me.

I kick my limp legs up to meet his wide thighs and lay my face against the ground. He fucks me like he’s desperate for me to know how strong he is, how weak he can get me. I arch my neck up for my lips to meet his chin; listening to his little whimpers has my entire body weak for him. I didn’t want the noises to stop, I don’t want him to stop.

“Oh, baby,” he whimpers some more, “you feel so good. S-oh good.” His breath is shaky as are his words.

“I want you to cum inside of me, Joel,” I beg before pecking his chin. I relax the arch in my neck to instead bury the back of my head into his shoulder. He stops for a few seconds to absorb my words, using this time to wrap his arms below and around my stomach. “I love the way you fuck me,” I whisper against his jaw. “You make me feel so good, baby.”

“That’s my job, honey,” he tells me, thrusting a couple of times. “Oh sh—oh my God,” he mewls. He bites my cheek which makes me giggle and turn my head to kiss him. He starts to drill in and out of me while our lips fold over each other, our moans and begs and whimpers falling out occasionally. I feel that bubble growing inside of me again just itching to be popped, and I completely crumble when he says, “You take my cock so good, princess, I know you got another one in ya.”

I can’t even speak whilst he wraps his strong hand around my neck to hold my head up rather than to choke me. I cry out his name shallowly and squeeze around him so tight I’m sure his cock started to ache. He curses into my neck, not letting up on my pussy one bit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.

“You look so fucking pretty when I fuck you. Look at how helpless you are, fuck. You’re mine, pretty girl.”

“I love the way you fuck me, Joel,” I say breathlessly as my orgasm doesn’t let up.

“My sweet girl,” he coos in my ear. “Keep talking to me, mmm, I love hearing you beg for it.”

By this point, I am suffering from the pain of overstimulation, which I never thought could hurt so bad but feel so damn good at the same time. “You’re so good to me, Joel,” I tell him doubtlessly. “I want you to cum for me, please.” His body jerks a few times and it instills confidence in my tone. “I want you to use me… Use me to cum, please…”

“You want me to cum in that pretty pussy a’yours? Hmm?” He cuddles his face into my shoulder blade, striving to reach even deeper inside of me. “Turn around. I wanna see you,” he whispers; I turn around and he lifts me onto his lap, still standing on his knees. His burly forearms manage to hold me up enough for him to keep doing all of the work, but by this point, I was thankful for it with how much he’s worn me out. “You take my cock s’good. Look at your pretty face, your pretty little helpless face.���

I watch as he takes his lip between his teeth into his weeping mouth, breathless gasps leaving my own. He looks so majestic with how the sun casts subtle shadows along his face; his vulnerability coats the look in his eyes as his face begins to relax which tells ms he is close. His nails dig into my spine and he looks to me for reassurance.

I run my fingertips over Joel’s broad shoulders and blink slowly, drawing my tongue out to lick his lips briefly. “Can you cum for me, baby?” I ask softly.

“Yes,” he says, heavily nodding his head. “Anything for you, honey.” He kisses me swiftly, smiling at me and stroking my thumb over his cheekbone. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum.”

We both moan out little praises against each other's faces and lips and sometimes kiss roughly. My chin burns from his stubble but I don’t pull away from him. I don’t want to. I just want to feel all of him.

He tells me he’s going to cum once more and I say, “Look at me, baby. Look at me when you cum.”

I hold his head still in my hands and rock my hips against his, but he stops me by pushing my hips into him and holding me there. I whine but allow it, cockily grinning at him when I feel his warm cum paint my walls. He is a whimpering mess, cowering his face to my chest. His body twitches underneath my legs and his hands fall to my ass, squeezing it enough to lift my hips up and back down a couple of times. Grunting when he finishes, he peels his face from my skin to smile down at me after lying me down carefully. He looks around for a moment before pulling out and laying next to me.

“Sorry, I got a little carried away,” he says, still out of breath.

I look over at him and twist to my side. “It’s okay. I know you like taking care of me.”

“Do I now?”

I nod and hum. “You’ll never say it, but I know you do.”

Joel also turns onto his side to stare at me. “I like taking care of you,” he admits with a hoarse voice. He reaches to pull my shirt straps back over my arms before covering my boobs, then grabs my panties to slide them up my legs but stops when he gets to my vulva just to place a kiss on it. He half-dresses himself before pulling my warm legs onto his lap; I sit up to get more comfortable and stare at his hands massaging my legs. “Your face is sunburnt,” he tells me.

I touch my cheekbone and flinch when I feel it is indeed sunburnt. “Dammit.”

“Doll, I want ya to know that this doesn’t mean nothing to me. It isn’t nothing, I mean… It’s something… If you want it to be.”

“Something?” I question with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah…” He shrugs, looking back down at my legs. “If you want.”

I crawl into his lap, responding to him with a loving kiss. “I want you. Not something.”

“Oh, pretty girl…” He moves some hair from my face and bashfully smiles at me. “You already got me.”

[verystrxxwberry]

ELDARYA; when you don’t say 'I love you' back

♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•.

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭: When they tell you I love you but you don’t say it back, TO and ANE routes x reader, sfw, fluff. ↝ 𝐂𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: Nothing to comment. Enjoy!

♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•.

EZAREL

You were used to hearing his lazy groans early in the morning as he didn’t want to leave the bed. He was much more comfortable in the warmth of your arms rather than forcing himself to pay attention to Miiko’s words in the next meeting.

As he prepared himself for work, you decided to sit on the bed and read to kill the time.

“Well, babe, I’m leaving.” Ezarel came closer to you, placing both of his hands over your knees to hold his support and lean in to take your lips in a short yet affectionate kiss. “Love you.” His voice holds such a softness that would make your heart melt.

“Alright, have fun..” You muttered still quite sleepy, not being conscious about your lack of response. He didn’t realize at first.

At first…

When he was about to touch the doorknob he realized that you did indeed not say it back. He turned around and looked at you, crossing his arms right over his chest.

“Babe.” He says with a serious tone, staring at you.

“What’s wrong?” You ask with a casual tone, looking back at him. You could see how his face was basically a >:(.

“That’s what I should ask you.” He says, approaching once again at you. “You didn’t say ‘I love you too’.” 

The way he had a grumpy and pouty face made you laugh in amusement. He was offended, betrayed, mad, hurt… Not seriously though, but it was the most casual habit for him to hear you say it back to suddenly not. You cupped his cheeks and pulled in for a little kiss just as before, pressing your lips a little bit longer and saying, “I love you too, dear. Happy?"

Ezarel’s face changes automatically from a frown to a relaxed expression, happy even. “Yes, that's better. See you later, pretty one.” And then he leaves happily to work.

NEVRA

It was typical to have cuddling sessions with Nevra before going to sleep. That was the most common way for him to relax after a long day; to feel your warmth and presence to release all his stress.

His caresses go from the upper part of your back to the lowest, and then again. The typical night talk was making your eyes heavy and he couldn’t help but notice how you felt that way. Resting would be good for both of you so he didn’t complain.

“Good night, sweetheart. I love you.” He whispers, giving little kisses filled with warmth to your cheeks. You hummed, with no response. Oh, and that’s a mistake with Nevra. He kisses you again on the cheek, this time staying longer. “Good night, sweetheart. I love you.” 

When he repeated it with more emphasis you laughed at him, nodding your head but letting him continue.

It can turn into a loop of constant “I love you”’s until you answer back. And he has got all the patience and time in the world. It is up to you to reciprocate. 

“I said that I love you..” Nevra keeps kissing your cheek, but pressing his lips longer before separating them and saying the same again.

“Now… you’ve said that a couple of times.” You said with amusement, opening your eyes to see his little pout.

“Well, you didn’t.” His voice sounds softer than usual, making you melt slightly, “don’t you love me back?”

Your laugh made him relax, knowing that there was nothing wrong. “Of course I love you too. I love you a lot, in fact.” You reassured him with that loving smile of yours, infecting him with a warm expression.

“Now it can be a good night.” He says in a calm tone, kissing your forehead and closing his eyes with the intention of finally resting.

VALKYON

You were assigned to a mission and you were waiting for Valkyon to finish forging your weapon. He was a little bit grumpy about the fact of not being able to go with you. He was worried sick about you getting hurt somehow.

“Please, make sure to check your surroundings at least four times.” He repeated, his gaze focused on a dagger he was preparing specially for you. 

“You’re worrying too much, Valky.” You hugged him from behind, hoping to give him a little bit of support to cease the negative thoughts. “We’ve been through worse things.”

Valkyon sighed and leaned towards you, whispering a “I love you” which you didn’t answer to. You had this little game in which you were hard to play sometimes, and he knew you weren’t saying it back just to see his reaction. 

He looks up at you like 🤨

How do you honestly dare to do this to him? He stares at you silently, waiting for you to say it back.

It was too funny for you the way he looked at you with a raised eyebrow, not working anymore in the weapon and simply focusing on you. You still didn’t answer, looking back at him. 

“Is… everything alright?” He pronounces slowly, caressing your arm and expecting you to stop with the joke. Valkyon was the type to be observant, so he knew that nothing was wrong, you were just being playful.

You emitted a little chuckle, feeling how his muscles relaxed under your touch, “of course yes, I love you too.”

Then he continued working, more relieved now that he has gotten an answer.

LEIFTAN

Oh my God, don’t do that to this poor baby. 

He has a gentle heart and soul, so it makes him overthink when he feels that things aren’t going as good as they could be. Even if you are busy, whenever he sees you in the corridors you both tend to say a quick I love you and then go to your places. 

One day you were so rushed that you didn’t even have time to tell him that you loved him back. Leiftan overthought about it and spent the day quite unmotivated due to that.

His work switch was slow, torturous with his thoughts and his expression of :C

The day was long for you too, and when you reached your bedroom, he was right in front of the door, walking in circles and wondering a lot of things. When you saw him he quickly approached you and asked with a small tone, “Babe, did I do something wrong?”

You tilted your head confused, searching for a reason why he’d ask that. “Not at all, why are you asking?” You were indeed worried now, holding his hands to calm him down.

“Later, when I saw you in the dining hall, you didn’t answer me.” Leiftan wasn’t the type to be whiny, but you certainly could hear a whiny tone in his voice. It was adorable, heart-melting.

“Ah, Leiftan…” you sighed, pulling him into a gentle embrace, “you caught me in a stressful moment. But you know I love you very much, right?”

If Leiftan had a tail, now he’d be wagging it happily non-stop.

LANCE

More or less, he reacts just as his brother. Though he demands an answer because how could you disrespect his heart like that?

He came back from his switch. He saw you resting on the couch and busy with any of your hobbies. Lance approached silently from behind and kissed your head, muttering a tired “I love you” and sitting beside you.

You acted as if you were ignoring him, knowing he’d be like a grumpy offended grandpa. You kept focusing on the activity you were currently doing, and you could hear him clearing his throat a couple of times.

“Baby,” he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him, “it isn’t very polite to ignore others’..” His low tone makes you shiver a little. A nervous giggle escapes your throat.

“I’m not ignoring you, I heard you.” You looked at him, almost sat on his lap. 

“And what are you going to answer?” He hinted, pinching your sides to tickle you somehow, trying to get the answer from being playful with you. You squirmed, giggling once again. 

“What should I say?” you teased back, wrapping your arm around his shoulders. “That I love you?” He nods, keeping his eyes on you. 

“Exactly.” He raises an eyebrow. “So… I love you.” He repeated this time, expecting you to answer back

You’d be attacked with kisses if you kept teasing him. Lance wouldn’t doubt in pulling you into a making out session to take those words out from you. Once he hears you say it back he has the most smug and stupid smirk on his face.

MATHIEU

Another softie just like Leiftan, but he’d immediately react if he saw you not answering back. 

He was saying goodbye, giving you the last kisses before he went to his guard. His clingy ass didn’t allow him to get away without being satisfied enough with his affection.

“Stay safe, yes, darling? I love you so so so muuuch..” He repeats for the tenth time, giving one last kiss before separating and pretending to walk away. Though he stops his walking, turning around and looking at you with a worried expression.

You didn’t say it back… did he do something?

“Mmm, what’s in your mind?” Mathieu placed his hands on his hips, looking at you, confused.

“Nothing. I just want to be at peace.” You said calmly, seeing how his lips got pouty. He kneels in front of you, caressing your knees gently. 

“Are you alright? Do you want me to give you space? I mean… you didn’t say it back.” His worry raised, making you feel a little bit sad for pulling the joke for him. Mathieu was the kindest guy you’ve ever had in your life, and he didn’t deserve to get a joke like that one.

“Everything’s alright.” You said quickly so his thoughts wouldn’t get more negative, “I was pranking you to see how you’d react.” The smile in your lips made him relax, his laugh being nervous and confused. “I love you too, don’t ever doubt that. Stay safe as well, Mat.” 

And with a kiss on his forehead he felt completely blessed to have you as his partner. 

✰; remember to reblog and like to support my content, I hope you enjoyed it!

[gurugirl]

I love stepdad Harry! Always brings a smile to my face when i see youve posted (guilty pleasure yum). Thank you for the last one!

but i cannot get enough of stepmom reader. You’ve made that one into something really special. In fact I told someone about it last week and they were like ~ nope. Not into stepmom stuff or older yn. Nope ~

but then guess what? they wound up reading it and binged all three parts and admitted to me that they were wrong 😂 I’m like ‘yeah I know’

just wanted to share that with you! Your stepmom fic is so shockingly good (not shocking bc you’re not a good writer, shocking bc it’s a trope most of us were not interested in) that it’s quickly become my top 5 all time favorite.

i cannot wait for part 4! I adore them and you so much. Do you have any idea when part 4 will come out? Any sneaky???

ps.. sorry for the weird capitalization stuff going on there. My phone decided when to capitalize randomly and I’m too lazy to fix.

A Good Boy sneak peek under the cut below!

🥹 thank you so much, babe. Really glad you liked the stepdad!harry from yesterday! That was a quick little fun thing to write.

As for stepmom!reader - wow! I really love that you're liking it so much and talking about it with other people and that your friend changed their mind 😂 Seems to be the theme for that fic. So many of y'all didn't think you'd like it based on the trope alone but I'm surprised that you guys did enjoy it anyway! Makes me smile.

So, I'm almost done with part 4. I think I can have it out by Thursday? Maybe? I'm super busy today (well, busy for me LOL) and gonna try to write but I've also got something I'm working on that someone paid me to write so I'm prioritizing that. Thursday at the earliest I'll post part 4 but I'll let y'all know.

And the random capitalization? My phone does the same. 😂 The words can't, can, and don't often get capitalized in the middle of sentences and it's a crapshoot on when the beginning of a sentence will be capitalized or not. I need to turn it off so it just leaves everything lowercase. So no judgement from me!

Sneak peek below !! (just remember this is literally copied from the word doc I'm writing in and hasn't been proofread or edited so some changed may be made before I post part 4)

Y/n was wearing her newly altered peach silk dress. The alterations were simple. The straps and hem were adjusted and the back column was dropped down a bit to drape to her low back. Her strappy nude heels were well-worn but comfortable because she was just simply not in the mood to wear the stiff, new heels she’d just bought.

The estate of Rebecca Manera was impressive. Probably equally as impressive as Leonardo Styles’. Most of the guests had already arrived by the time the Styles’ walked through the front door a little late.

Leo scolded Y/n for taking so long to get ready and making them run behind but in all honesty, she didn’t give a fuck. They could be half an hour late. No one would care. Why rush to go to a party? It’s not like they needed to clock in and earn a paycheck.

“It’s rude, Y/n. That’s why it matters. You’re so goddamn rude sometimes. You only think about yourself.”

She turned sharply to look at her husband in shock. That was the first time he’d ever said such a thing to her. Normally he had no opinion on how she conducted herself. She was chronically late. Yes, she could admit that was a flaw in her character but she was on time when it really counted. But to get so worked up over a party? And to insult her on top of it?

That had set the whole mood for the night. And now she was even more suspicious about this Rebecca.

But when Rebecca did make her appearance and introduced herself to Y/n she was taken aback. The woman had to be in her 50s. She was pretty, sure, but not quite Leo’s type. If Y/n were any sort of indicator of a type.

Servers walked around with trays and served the couples in attendance. There were only ten couples there as well as Rebecca’s two daughters, Y/n learned. Quite the intimate affair really.

Leo brought a glass of wine to Y/n as she chatted with Mrs. Topman (she never learned her first name, as the woman literally introduced herself as Mrs. Topman).

“Here you are darling.” His green eyes shined down at her before searching the room casually. She was on to Leo. But she found it odd that the woman he was with in the Hamptons was Rebecca. She was intrigued.

She watched Rebecca mingle and sip wine and laugh and there was nothing there that made Y/n think Leo would be interested in her sexually. But maybe that was it, Y/n thought to herself as she cocked her head to the side watching the woman speak boisterously. Maybe it wasn’t sexual. Maybe it was a woman he felt a deeper connection with than he did with Y/n. Perhaps it hadn’t started sexual but led there.

The snack table was set up with decadent treats. Y/n picked up a toast smeared with something pink, topped with heart-shaped tomatoes on top as she scanned the room for Leo, wondering where he’d gone off to. It hadn’t been that long but knowing about Rebecca being with him made things feel like she was in some kind of true crime detective story and was trying to get to the bottom of a mystery. Though there was no crime being committed, she could entertain herself with that thought.

“Are you enjoying your time tonight?”

Y/n turned her sight to Rebecca who was next to her picking up the same toast with pink schmear.

“It’s amazing. Your home is so lovely, Mrs. Manera,” she smiled and noted the woman’s massive diamond ring in addition to her massive diamond wedding ring.

“Why thank you. Phineas has put in so much work to make this large shell into a lovely cozy home.”

Y/n nearly spat her bite out. The home was anything but cozy.

“It’s incredible. Where is Mr. Manera tonight?”

“Oh, just over there,” she pointed to a man in tweed with thick black-framed glasses, “You haven’t met yet?”

Rebecca led the way as Y/n walked in her wake to meet Mr. Manera. She had still not spotted her own husband.

“Phineas, dear, this is Mrs. Styles. Leonardo’s wife.”

The man held his hand out, “Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Styles.”

“Likewise. You can call me Y/n.”

 “Well, Y/n. We’re happy to have you here. Where’s Leo anyway? Haven’t seen him.”

Turning around quickly to look over her shoulder she shrugged and faced the man and his wife again, “Not sure actually. I haven’t seen him in a bit myself,” she laughed. And before she could even think about what she was implying she spoke to Rebecca, “But I’m sure you’ve seen enough of him since you saw him in the Hampton’s this weekend.”

Rebecca and Phineas’ smiles dropped as they looked at one another and then back to Y/n, “I haven’t been to the Hamptons in over a decade. Are you sure you’re not mistaking me for Parker? Our daughter? She was just there all weekend with her girlfriends.”

A Good Boy Masterlist

A Good Boy tags: @becauseheartsgetbroken-hs @shishcabobsworld @daphnesutton @spinnerswife69 @holy-macncheese-balls @cookielovesbook-akie @lilfreakjez @itsgigikay @amateurduck

[petersbaby]

Cold- Eddie Munson x reader

Part five ♡

Part four / Part six

Warnings: oral (m receiving) and that should be it

A/N: so turns out reader is a switch so the dynamic will change. She’s kinda dominant here. I am, in fact, a switch irl so I might be referencing myself a little >:) also I need to add these to my masterlist but I’m putting it off because linking all the different parts together is gonna be a pain in the ass. I shall do it though, soon. Whenever I get back on desktop hehe

-

“Hi Eddie.” Your voice comes through the phone and into his ear, causing a smile to spread across his face.

“Hi. What are you doing?”

“Welllll I’m thinking. Thinking about how nice it is outside and how it would be good to maybe go back to that spot near the lake. We could get food, have a little picnic in the back. What do you think?”

“I think that sounds perfect. I’ll come get you in about an hour, okay?”

“Okay. Bye.”

He had barely gotten out of the bed yet, he was just lazily lounging around since it was a Sunday. He likes to call them “lazy Sundays” when in reality he’s pretty lazy every other day too. When he got your call, he got butterflies in his stomach, and he was immediately praying you’d say you wanted to see him too.

He hopped up and into the shower, washing his hair and putting on a clean outfit with his beat-up old Reeboks. Admittedly, he doesn’t always care so much about his appearance or presentation. You were making him think and act totally different, because all he could think of was you no matter what he was doing.

He sprays on his cheap cologne as a final touch and heads out the door. After a couple of minutes into the drive to your house, he got nervous and habitually reached for a smoke. He really loved that the smell of tobacco didn’t bother you. In fact, you’d told him it was a comforting smell to you. Something that relaxed your senses for some reason you couldn’t quite place.

He finally arrives at your door, and you’re conveniently waiting by it so you answer it right away. This surprised him, but he thought it was really sweet. All the voices racing in his head seemed to all cease the second he laid eyes on you. His eyes scanned your body, not so much in a sexual way but rather to see what inevitably is gonna be a super cute outfit you chose for the day.

“You look cute.”

“No, you do.” You smile, giving him the same look up and down. You step outside with him, closing the door behind you and following him to the van where he opens your door like he always does, even though you’ve told him he doesn’t have to. He also had a solid habit of asking to make sure you’re buckled up, citing that you’re “precious cargo”.

You guys stop by the convenience store, the only place he could think of to spontaneously get food for a picnic. He was worried a bit that this wasn’t what you had in mind, but it was also admittedly just he could afford. He looks over at you once you park in front of the store, looking a bit like a confused puppy.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, uh, nothing.”

He was just overthinking. You were more than happy with this. Once inside, you both grabbed a premade sandwich, some candy, chips, and a couple of drinks. You got pink lemonade and he got root beer, after which you set it all down on the counter up front. The cashier bags it all up, and you happily take the bag from their hand. You waited as Eddie paid, then followed him yet again back to the car.

He plays music on the way, tapping his fingers on the wheel to the beat which was really cute and had you smiling when you saw it in your peripheral vision.

When you get to your spot, you both go to the back again to spread everything out on the blanket and sit down.

“You know, I’m not gonna lie. I thought it was weird that you had a van, maybe even a little creepy. But now I see the appeal.” You laugh, gesturing to the space where the two of you had hung out on several occasions. It was cozy. That was one thing you remember from that night, how you just felt so comfortable and safe in there.

“Ouch. Well at least you don’t think I’m creepy anymore.”

You ate, you laughed, you talked, but ended up making out once again. Bound to happen. It was admittedly something you probably did more than you should, but it was addicting. His lips were a LOT softer than they looked, and had a mint/cigarette taste on them.

You were far past just his lips, now, though. You were practically swallowing each other whole, tongues not fighting so much as moving together in harmony until he pulls back to breathe.

“God, I don’t want to make you feel pressured but I need you so bad.”

“Hmm.” You start, an indicator that you’re thinking of something mischievous. You remember one thing you said on the phone that one time, about how you’d like to hear him beg.

“How bad?”

“Really bad.” You exchange whispers between deep kisses.

“What do you want?”

“I’ll take anything. I’ll take anything you’ll give me.” He sounded so desperate he was falling apart with every word.

You start to move, to hover above him and sit on top of him.

“Okay. Gonna take it?”

“Y-yes.” He breathes.

Your lips leave his, moving over to his ear where you nipped his earlobe and started kissing from his jawline and then lower, taking your sweet time until he’s whimpering and then you finally reach that perfect spot at the bend of his shoulder and neck, where they connect.

You kiss this spot harshly, sucking the skin between your teeth and running your tongue over the spot to soothe it and then repeat this over and over.

“Get this off.” You tug at the bottom of his t shirt, which he pulls off right away. Now you have more expanse to cover, kissing and licking his collarbones and slightly bearing down, clothed heat rubbing up against his erection.

“Oh, god.” He murmurs. “Can I?” He holds his hands up, eyeing your waist.

“Mhm.” You take his hands and help guide them to your body. He runs his hands up and down the curve of your waist and all the way back down to your hips. His big, calloused hands find their way to your ass, where he uses a little bit of pressure to push your crotch down against his once more. You weren’t prepared for this, moaning when he does it.

“Oh, shit.” He murmurs.

That was the first time he’s ever heard that sound from you and he decided he needed more right away. He grew even harder, if that was at all possible, and you could feel it. You allowed him to continue guiding your hips up and down and you tried to hold back the moans that threatened to follow that first one while you kissed the tattoos on his chest.

You pull back off of him to just sit for a moment, watching his chest rise and fall with the intensity. He was so, so beautiful, especially like this. But, eventually, you remember that you’re in the view of anyone who may come near. “Fuck, close the doors.” You order him, a little more urgently than you meant to. You had all day, after all, but that fact slipped your mind in the moment.

He scrambles to pull them shut, leaving you alone in the back with him and still an ample amount of sunlight coming through the windows. You shuffle close to him again to push him back, and he does fall back but doesn’t seem to mind at all.

You start to take control once again, having allowed your guise to slip when he caught you off guard. He looked completely submissive and entranced right in front of you, big brown eyes blown out. You start to desperately undo his belt buckle, and he grabs both your hands.

“We don’t have to go that far, you don’t have to do that.” He reminds you, almost in a warning tone.

“I want to. I mean, only if you do too, of course.”

“You have no idea how much I want it.”

“Okay then.” You say, with the slightest bit of smartass-ness.

You make quick work of it, then just having to unbutton and unzip his black jeans. You tug on them slightly knowing you’ll need his help in getting them off, and he assists you. Once it’s free and you see it for the first time, you can practically feel the drool pooling in your mouth. “Jesus.” You comment, a little stunned.

“You okay?” He half laughs at your reaction.

“Mhm. I’m more than okay.” You fake confidence that you’re gonna be able to fit that in your mouth with the hopes it’ll just happen magically. You procrastinated a little, licking up and down the bottom of his shaft at which he groaned repeatedly, and then kissing the tip.

The kisses turned sloppy, the sloppy kisses turned into kitten licks. All over the head of his cock, over and over again until you finally feel like you can take it. You do it slowly, sinking your mouth down onto it with your tongue flattened against the underside.

He makes sure to keep his hands beside him, makes sure not to touch you and not to make you feel like you have to go faster. Not to rush you, not to make you feel the slightest bit pressured. He let you take your time, and it pays off, because now you have his entire length filling up your mouth and throat.

“Good god, Jesus Christ.”

“Hmm.” You hum around his cock.

“No gag reflex? Holy shit.”

You pull off only to take it all back down again, nose touching against his happy trail and slightly into the dark hair at the base. You hollow out your cheeks, sucking even harder, and he’s gripping his fists into the throw blanket below the both of you.

His head tips back and leans against the wall as his eyes shut involuntarily and he has to make an effort to keep them open, keep them on you and your pretty little face down there. He couldn’t last long at all, and he couldn’t even begin to try and stop it. He just hoped you didn’t mind, and don’t think he busts that quick every time. There had just been so much sexual tension.

“I’m gonna cum, pretty, ‘m gonna cum.” He warns you, and you continue without a second thought until his load is going into your mouth. He thinks that, anyway, when it’s actually going straight down your throat.

“Holy shit. Holy shit.” He’s said that probably a million times already, but it was just the default thing to say when his mind couldn’t find any actual words. He looks fucked out, a little dumb, and he sounds like it too.

When you pull off of him, he looks up at you, dazed and almost as if he’s expecting something. You just looked back at him and blinked through your dark lashes.

“Did you swallow that??”

“Mhm. Was I not supposed to?”

He laughs in amazement.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky, sometimes I’m convinced you’ll vanish right from my sight, like you were a dream.” He says, pulling his pants back on but remaining shirtless for now.

“A good dream, I hope?”

“A really fucking good dream. Too good to be true. C’mere, don’t disappear. Don’t just be a dream.”

He holds his arms open for you and you crawl into them, into his lap as you wrap your arms around each other. Just to stay like that, for a while. Just stay.

[the-drayster]

I am here to drop several emojis hehe

🐚 for whichever guy on the blog :) ? (@/arven-x-drayster-4ever)

🐚 for your own guy. because I can do that >:]

🌱 I’ve always thought of Drayton as a “he cares about and loves his friends but sucks at communicating and is also lazy to the point of not being bothered to check in” over a he doesn’t care type of guy yk. at least those are the vibes I’m going for for mine lol

annnd finally ☀️. I always think of your blog as THE Drayton. like whenever I think of rotomblr + Drayton it’s your guy. not even my own one lmao

hope this isn’t too overwhelming <3(/platonic)

// OUGH YIPPEEE. ALSO not overwhelming at all! Thank!!!!

🐚 for whichever guy on the blog :) ? (@/arven-x-drayster-4ever)

I like how silly your Drayton is. He is such a goober, and I think that's amazing. It's so fun to come over and poke at him. He's like one of those dog toys that squeak. Give him a good stomp.

🐚 for your own guy. because I can do that >:]

One thing that I think a lot of people miss when they talk about Drayton is the fact that his motivation for the whole Kieran situation was not selfish. He wasn't doing it for himself. Sure, he got petty about the whole "Ex-champ" thing near the end, but he wasn't trying to knock Kieran off his throne as a revenge sort of thing. The big big big thing for me is when he talks about how Kieran was before the Teal Mask situation.

"Here’s the Drayster take: I liked Kieran better when he had his hair down. He used to be this quiet little guy. Trembled like a leaf. Had all the spine of a Wimpod. He’d hide behind Carmine if you so much as breathed too loud. But I’ll tell you what… When it came to Pokemon battling, I never saw so much joy in anyone’s eyes as in his! But then, outta nowhere, he changed. Now he’s relentless-pushes himself, pushes everyone around him… Nothing good’s gonna come out of this. Someone’s gotta snap him out of it."

^ that's not him saying that he liked Kieran better when Kieran was a wimp. That's him saying he liked it better when Kieran was happy.

He isn't trying to knock Kieran off his throne to get revenge—he's trying to knock some sense into him. Kieran goes on a whole "I have to be the very best that no-one ever was" arc, and Drayton realizes this is unhealthy for him. And another big thing is that Drayton tried to beat Kieran before the player shows up! I wish his quotes page was complete so that I could pull that one out as well, but I remember him talking about how he couldn't beat Kieran to take his spot as Champ back. He realizes that he can't fix the situation himself, and so he goes out of his way to bring the Player in to do it for him. Yeah, he definitely doesn't do it in the best way. He's being pretty manipulative. BUT. He's doing it for a good reason. All he knows is that this exchange student was the one who beat Kieran before, and to his knowledge that's the reason why Kieran got so Weird about battling. He can't beat Kieran to show him that the "Train myself to death" mentality doesn't actually do anything, so he finds someone who can. He doesn't know if the player would actually go along with his plot, and he isn't willing to take the risk that they aren't, so he just goes forward with pulling strings.

But above all, it isn't a selfish thing.

🌱 I’ve always thought of Drayton as a “he cares about and loves his friends but sucks at communicating and is also lazy to the point of not being bothered to check in” over a he doesn’t care type of guy yk. at least those are the vibes I’m going for for mine lol

Yeah, that's pretty close to how mine is. He definitely cares, he just isn't always good at showing it. A combined "He's trying to keep up the care-free persona of his" and just a general lack of "reading the room" ability make it kind of tricky for him to do those sorts of check-ins. He may never go out of his way to ask you how you're doing, but if something is obviously wrong he will absolutely try to fix it.

annnd finally ☀️. I always think of your blog as THE Drayton. like whenever I think of rotomblr + Drayton it’s your guy. not even my own one lmao

Thank you so much for that- I'm really happy I do a good job of him, haha. That means a lot, friendo!!!

[littlesparklight]

What traits of Paris are admirable for you? Like, what would you say to someone who doesn’t like the character? 😱 I’m very interested in your opinion.

Like, an encomium for Paris? ;) I can do that.

(Undoubtedly a lot, if not all, I'm going to say here I've said elsewhere because I love blabbing about Paris, but 1. I am lazy so I'm not going to go looking and 2. I love blabbing about Paris. Also 3. in the spirit of an encomium I'm going to (try to, since I do know he has faults and those can be interesting to engage in) defer discussing his faults, as well as the consequences even his positive qualities has in the canon situation for the moment.)

With the understanding that some of the things below requires accepting that Paris is effeminate and I'll be interpreting this positively contrary to Ancient Greek opinions about effeminacy;

One of the first things is way he stubbornly and determinedly is honest to his own preferences and presentation in the face of insults and ridicule of the same. Like, yes, dancing and music are good peace time pursuits and bad war time pursuits, but "all things in [manly] moderation/restraint" is an important "qualification" when it comes to men enjoying or being good at these pursuits. Paris doesn't care. Music and dancing etc isn't something he's going to stop enjoying or pursuing just because there's a war on. More than that, he's not going to stop dressing nicely, or focusing on his hair just because he's being insulted left, right, and center about it. Being able and willing to keep to your preferences in the face of social censure (your enemies are one thing, but it comes from close family as well) is really admirable to me.

Being able to take a moment to laugh about how great and fine you're feeling, how sweet life is, if just in that moment, while knowingly walking straight into danger is a pretty nice quality, too.

In conjunction with the above, and going with Hecuba's dream omen having happened, and thus that the exposure did, and the fact that Paris would have learned about this sooner or later... Look. Regular human people with normal human interiority would have to think about and confront this, however lightly. How do you come to peace with that your life, even when you were completely innocent of any wrongdoing, was considered undeserving to be alive? Your own parents, however roundabout, however unwillingly, attempts to kill you. Your parents are also later happy to ignore the reason/hope they were wrong about it when you come back alive, but at least by the point that the Achaeans make a final landing Paris would have to face, if just for himself, that it really was (not is, any longer, too late for that) his life's or Troy's.

That's a terrible thing for anyone to have to face, so, uh, being able to compartmentalize enough to still be cheerful and lighthearted is pretty damn impressive. (I suppose one could go with "he's selfish and literally doesn't care about anyone else" and like. Sure. I guess. But 1. we have no proof of that, and 2. the only other possibility aside from compartmentalizing to have some mental equilibrium is Paris getting straight up suicidal, when it's already too late to matter.)

He's agreeable and doesn't actually pretend he has no faults (as society sees them), and yes, again I suppose one could say it's cowardly or conflict-avoidant of Paris to agree to Hektor that he's correct and then not change at all. But some of those changes he shouldn't have to make, and I don't think he's conflict avoidant. His aside about Hektor being as "relentless as an axe" comes right after he's said Hektor is correct in rebuking him, which, while I don't think it neither negates that, does qualify it. Paris is lodging a roundabout complaint that Hektor is, if not wrong, then going a bit too far. Without actually starting a fight in a situation where they can't have one! His response to Hektor in the later scene isn't just flat agreement and this time even less a qualification. Rather it comes with a correction of Hektor's assumption of why he's still in his bedroom - again, that's not really conflict avoidant, in my opinion, just not making a fight there's no time and place for, and he doesn't fully have a right to have, anyway? And I'd say Paris knows he doesn't (or at least know this is no place/time, again, to have a fight), so that's why you get this.

(And he does protest Hektor's rebukes/insults the one time we see in the Iliad where Hektor is entirely in the wrong!)

I don't know if it's petty or not to add this, but I'd like to juxtapose the particular part of Hektor and Andromache's scene where she attempts to give him (perfectly sound but against the personal heroic masculine code!) military advice with Helen's rebukes/insults to Paris when she finds him in their bedroom. Paris doesn't tell her she doesn't understand military matters [because she's a woman] and neither does he tell her she shouldn't talk about those things [because she's a woman]; all he does is tell her to not insult him so harshly and anyway, he might win some other time. In this instance, he's markedly less sexist than his brother, which, I don't know if it might be another "symptom" of his "softness" and effeminacy, but if it is, it's (to us) a pretty good one. (And like, not that Paris doesn't talk about Helen as "an object" when they were talking about Helen and the wealth in Book 3 - but in this wise he isn't making himself guilty of any crime that any other man isn't, Menelaos included.)

Is being a bomb lover and making sure your partner is satisfied an admirable quality (even as that's part of the initial problem)? Then that, too, since that'd be part of ~the gifts of Aphrodite~. I do think you can interpret those "gifts of Aphrodite" wider than just about sex, so he's charming and good with people, and listening/creating accord (political unity, which was one of Aphrodite's other sides). But I know this is perhaps more extrapolation than otherwise, so take or leave that as you will.

(As an extra thing which has nothing to do with what we see in the Iliad and most probably isn't Epic Cycle material: Regardless of whether one considers Aphrodite the legit objective winner, gift-bribes or no gift-bribes, the situation of the judgement is an impossible one. But in a more "fair" setup, where all you have is the word of a mortal against a god that won, Paris, compared to many others who fail in similar (or even more damning) circumstances, gives what he promised to give, and judges fairly. I'm talking about a situation where, while it only appears in a medieval document but might be a legit survival of something earlier, Paris has a pet prize bull he pits against other herders. He crowns the bull each time it wins and says that anyone who can beat his bull will be given this golden crown. Ares fights the bull in bull form and wins. Revealing himself (or even if he does not), he is awarded the prize as promised.)

[lady-lys]

Jealousy (Teo x MC)

The night prior, @domesticitea mentioned to me that Teo says an actress was his first love. I was.. a bit upset at that fact ngl LOL. But it made sense in my head. I mean, he works in films, it would be natural if he fell in love with an actress before meeting us. It wasn’t until much later in the night that I find out what exactly Teo’s meaning of “first love” actually is. This small fic was born from this realization.

xxx

You sat on the couch mindlessly scrolling through your phone while some comedy movie was playing in the background of your living room. It was a chill lazy day as Teo sleepily watched the movie from the comfort of your lap, which his head was laying on. You weren’t really paying attention to the movie, but every once in a while you could feel the vibrations coming from Teo’s chuckles whenever there was a particularly funny part.

Your phone scrolling came to a halt when you saw a post from your old high school friend on Outstagram. It seems he was happily married now, his wife looking up lovingly at him in her wedding gown. At some point during high school, you had somewhat of a crush on your friend, but never pursued anything with him. The timing was never right, and so you parted ways after graduation and that was the end of that. But seeing this picture, you couldn’t help but think how things would have turned out if something blossomed between you two while in school. Would that have been you next to him in that picture? Would you have met Teo? In the end, it didn’t really matter anyway. Teo was your first real love, and you wouldn’t change it for the world. He was the only one you thought about getting married to now, no one else.

“Hey, honey? Am I your first love?” You found yourself blurting out the thought that crossed your mind so suddenly.

“Hm?” Teo sleepily turned his head so he was looking up at you from your lap.

“What’s this about, jagi?” He started to slowly sit up, stretching his arms around a bit.

You bit your lip nervously, you’re not sure why you even asked this. No going back now, you might as well continue what you started.

“Well, I was just thinking that you are my first real love, and I wanted to know if I am your first too..”

“Hmm.. well. There was this one actress–”

“An actress?!” You cut him off abruptly, your eyes going wide. Of course his first love was an actress. Teo worked in movies, filming beautiful perfect women. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but it very much did.

You suddenly felt a pit in your stomach.

“Uh, yeah.. jagi, are you okay? You don’t look so well.” Teo tried to reach out for you but you suddenly stood up from the couch.

“I have to use the restroom!” You blurted out and immediately dashed into the bathroom, leaving a confused and dumbfounded Teo on the couch.

You looked at yourself in the mirror and the pit in your stomach returned. You could never compare to an actress. Just what did Teo see in you? You were just a barista, nothing special.

For Teo to consider this actress as his first love, they must have gotten pretty serious right? I mean, love is a big word. Did.. did they think about marriage? Having a family? All the things you think about having with Teo, did he also think about them with her?

“Jagiya, are you okay?” His muffled voice behind the door suddenly snapped you out of your thoughts. You were being foolish. It shouldn’t matter anymore, he is with you now. His soft knocking at the door and worried yet soft tone of his voice is proof of that. You couldn’t help feeling this way though. What was this feeling?

With a deep sigh, you turn to open the door.

“I’m okay, I promise. I just needed a minute.” You turned your back away from him, your words coming out colder than you had intended.

“Did I do something wrong?” Teo sounded genuinely confused at your change in attitude. One second you were both cuddling on the couch and the next you’re giving him the cold shoulder. You turn around to face him so quickly, thoughts coming at you at 100 words per minute.

“No- no! It’s just me! I shouldn’t be feeling upset about the fact that I’m not your first love, I mean who wouldn’t want you, you’re the most amazing man in the world, but agh I can’t help but feel disappointed that there is another woman, a beautiful talented actress at that, who stole that spot from me! Did you think about marrying her at one point? Having a family? Cause you’re the only one I have thought about doing those things with and it shouldn’t even matter anym–”

“Jagiya, jagiya! Wait a second, take a deep breath!” Teo cuts you off, quickly coming up to face you. The word vomit you spewed out is still slowly processing in his head. His expressions switch from worried, to confused, and suddenly they switch over to surprise and then a hint of.. smugness?

“Wait, you think that– wait jagi, are you jealous?” Teo’s now fully sporting a grin on his face. How could he smile at a time like this! Maybe you really are foolish and he is realizing that now.

“So what if I am! It doesn’t matter anyway, I’ll get over it eventually.” You turned to face away from him again, too embarrassed to look at him any longer.

You feel his strong arms envelope you from behind as he chuckles into the back of your hair. He places a soft kiss there.

“Jagiya, you got it all wrong. I never went out with this actress! I just had a massive crush on her as a teenager when I saw her in movies. A teenager’s imagination can be quite wild, you know?”

Wait a minute. What. What??

“What?!” You turned your whole body to face him, a grin still plastered on his face as he looked down at you.

You start punching his chest lightly. You are in disbelief.

“That doesn’t count, Teo! You absolute dork! Ugh I cannot believe you!” You shouted up at him as you continued to playfully assault him as he threw his head back in laughter.

“What do you mean that doesn’t count? In my head we were practically married!” He winked down at you.

You glare up at him before breaking into a smile. You couldn’t believe what a turn of events this was. He slowly cups your face and gives you a soft tender kiss.

“Jagiya, you are my only true love. I don’t have to imagine being married to you, or having a family with you, because I will make sure it will become a reality. It won’t be just dreams or fantasy. You’re the only one for me, okay?”

He finishes his declaration with another chaste kiss on your lips, before turning away to walk out from the bathroom.

“I liked seeing you jealous though.” He looks back at you smugly, his words snapping you out of your daze.

You cannot believe your dork of a boyfriend. You proceed to chase him throughout your apartment, playfully scolding him as his laughs fill your home.

[astrathechinchilla]

WARNING: LONG, UNHINGED RANT

(Also mentions of grooming and predatory behavior)

This rant is mostly for my benefit cause I need to just YELL, in a sense 😅

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The way people criticize Keira is BULLSHIT~

Like, I’m not going to lie, I have my problems with Keira. I don’t think she was handled properly for the role she was meant to play- AKA: the female lead/love interest

However, I criticize constructively, not destructively. I always suggest better ways something could have been done rather than only listing the negatives. I don’t use my criticism as an excuse to viciously/cathartically lambast a character when that energy should be directed towards the people who actually deserve that slap to the back of the head, THE WRITERS.

They’re the ones that chose to use her, for the most part, solely as a vector for drama and basically nothing else, so much so that they dropped her in favor of Ashelin in Jak 3. This is mostly attributed to the sexist ways people wrote in the times this was made, combined with how short and bursty the cutscenes are, leaving not that much room to write actual conversations. However, this doesn’t excuse them for this; Keira deserves more respect than this, especially from writers now.

Sure, this problem is fixed later in Jak X, but honestly, TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. The damage was already done and what they salvaged makes them look worse, showing that they could’ve written a good relationship between Jak and Keira as well as make Keira a way more interesting character.

There’s this trend(probably old news but it’s worth noting at least) in Jak and Daxter fanfics where Keira isn’t Jak’s love interest, and authors make her just the worst(especially in ones where it’s an OC that’s the love interest. That’s the problem I’m watching out for the most when writing my fic actually. I don’t want to accidentally do the exact same thing as some of the hacks that used to write these kinds of fics) and that’s total crap. We ALL know it is. They’re are so many other things they could do with her character, but they choose not to for a multitude of most likely shitty reasons.

This is also partially caused by the major tone change between the first and second game. Though I believe the ‘darker’ tone of Jak 2 mostly serves in the series favor, it damaged some parts and made them worse in the process- mostly the romance subplot.

I actually quite liked how Keira and Jak were in the first game, they were quite cute(it was pretty barebones and basic, but cute nonetheless). Their chemistry was fine; it had that early 2000’s crush energy, but I liked it and wanted to see it develop into something more when I first played the game. It had the potential of being good.

However, when they started to complicate shit with the love (triangle/square/rhombus/whatever shape ya want) was when that potential was thrown out the window. They use her character to lazily create tension where there didn’t need to be, cause there was already tension with the war going on. We already had three(four if you count Krew) factions in Jak 2 fighting for control of Haven. They didn’t need complicate the romance if it wasn’t going to go anywhere in the first place.

This also affects Ashelin’s character in the process(which I could talk about if people actually like reading my feral rants about this game, I have A LOT to say about her)

This doesn’t help the fact that they wrote one particular party of the messy subplot to be an actual SEXUAL PREDATOR. Yeah, Errol’s a major part of what went wrong with Keira and directly affects her story.

His character says so much more about how lazy the writers actually are- the fact that they don’t bring any of this up and dismiss this quickly is part of the problem. They simply dismiss this whole messy plot that could’ve been potentially interesting, the hints of Keira being a potential victim of Errol’s grooming, her growth out of that, realizing that she hurt her friend and properly apologizing for her hurtful words to Jak after having someone who knows better properly explaining to her what’s really going on- it’s all wasted because of the short length of the cutscenes.

While this may potentially excuse the writers of the games for this(it DOESN’T, but I do think they tried their best with what they had), this doesn’t excuse fanfic authors from doing the exact same thing, ONLY WORSE! They don’t have the same constraints as the writers did in Jak 2, so time shouldn’t have been an issue.

I don’t believe this is a big problem for modern authors of today(I haven’t checked in a while), but I highly caution fellow new authors who are only recently starting to write and post their fics from doing the same as people did years back.

Also, the ‘Keira is a bitch’ plot is boring, uninteresting, and OVERDONE. Y’all can do better as authors. You can make her in the wrong without painting her as a horrible person in the process(AKA, like a lot of teenagers). You can make her naive without her being a total idiot entirely. You can make her a person, not a vector for drama. People can make mistakes.

Besides, SHE’S ADORABLE✨ Have you seen her? Just-

LOOK AT HER 🥰

If you’re not gonna have her date Jak, give her an S/O of some kind. Why do you all think I gave her girlfriend in the first place 💕

….Also ‘Will-they-Won’t-they’ plots can kiss my ass-

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1996 We each made up a new game. His game is that he reads the Spanish movies that are listed, then I get to laugh at how he says the words, then interpret them for him.

I said I had a game for him, but who knows if he wants to do it, will have time, or will remember to do it, but he said he will do it with me. The object is to make up a profile of Norah since we don’t know squat about her and see who’s right, wrong or close.

This is what I say about Norah: She’s never been married, has no kids and has bisexual tendencies. She’s probably been with a few women but for a very short time. She prefers males, but once again, she doesn’t keep them for too long, cuz she’s a snob to him or he’s lazy or has some kind of problem with her. I think she lives in England and has a nice, average-sized condo or townhouse, if not a house. She’s the kind I wouldn’t want for a friend and who wouldn’t want to know me, as she’s too serious. She’s got no tolerance or empathy for people like Nervous, Fran or Ellie and acts like the so-called grown-up and mature type. She’s never been one for making prank phone calls. She probably smokes cigarettes, drinks occasionally, but doesn’t do drugs.

This is what Tom says about Norah: She was a spoiled rich kid who went into acting cuz she didn’t have to work. She probably has had 2-3 husbands and has one or two kids. Her first husband was probably a British director who got her the parts in some earlier mini-series she did in the 80s. She got divorced from that husband cuz she wanted to come to the States to try to make it big in the movies. She’s an average mother and person but is stuck on herself. She now lives who knows where and is living off of past jobs and off her husband, since her acting career has pretty much petered out. She may or may not have made prank phone calls, depending on where she’s lived.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1996 When I got up on the 27th, my period started, naturally. It was just spots, but today it’s a full flow. I told Tom I seem to be back to normal, therefore, my body must’ve forgotten how to make this so-called baby. He said that that’s not true and that this is working out great cuz it’s a sign that my body can adapt quicker and better by the fact that it suddenly changed back, therefore, it can now make a baby. Whatever. He’s still 100% sure I’ll have no October period and that he can commit to that, but I don’t know if we do it enough to give him the chance to prove me wrong. He did mention us doing it more, so that’s nice. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

I haven’t been writing as much cuz I’m still working on the computer journal project. I’ve got them all squashed and I’ve fixed them all the way up to 36. Then, I decided to spell check and cap them all, so after I do that, I’ll just have to cap paragraphs and other things the dictionary may have missed or any typos and that’ll be it.

The doctor’s appointment went fine. He gave me a new inhaler to replace the Azmacort, saying they don’t make Azmacort anymore and this thing, Aerobid, works just like Azmacort does. The good thing about it is that I need only take 2-4 hits twice a day. Not 6 hits twice a day. I’ve got new prescriptions for that and the Proventil inhaler for a year.

After the doctor’s, we stopped off at Mom’s house for a little bit, then got something to eat at a fast-food drive-through, then came home.

Got a postcard from Alex who went to Sacramento. What an old ugly place Sacramento is.

Mom, Mary and Dave are going to San Diego from this Monday to Friday.

Tom worked on Mary’s car today and he got in a few hours after I got up and asked me how the new inhaler was. I told him I seemed hyper and he burst out laughing saying, “That’s like saying that the ocean seems wet.” In other words, I’m always hyper anyway.

I told him it’d cum in “Laurie H” to remember to double-check if car part stores really have the car parts they claim to have and he said, “I don’t want to cum in Laurie H, I want to cum in you.”

So, we talked, he took a shower, I gave him a massage, then he ate some toast and crashed.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1996 I’m gonna go check out a movie in just a short while, but first, I’m happy to say that all my journals are squashed. All the ones up to 107, omitting any that aren’t on the computer if they’re letters or stories.

I can’t believe God didn’t give me my period yet! Well, I know he will. As busy as he is (doing unfair and wrong things), he could never forget my monthly periods. Watch. With my luck, I’ll get it as I’m out the door to see the doctor tomorrow.

Tom and I saw a really neat-looking lunar eclipse earlier. It’s supposed to be the last one of the millennium.

He also showed me a few new things to do for him on the computer to help him out. How to check the drives for errors and how to defragment the drives.

Remember how I said I put cat pictures on Kim’s ugly journal? Well, I removed those and put 158 little address label samples I got out of a catalog on it. It looks awesome.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1996 The suggestion Tom made about a week ago that my good ear may be infected, does seem possible. I’ll ask the doctor to look at it when I see him on Friday for my refills. It’s been itchy. It’s weird how the bad ear was the culprit for a while and now it’s the good ear that bothers me. This explains why I’ve had dizzy spells, but I haven’t had any for a few days now, which is nice.

I wish I would get my period now and just get that over with as my tits are quite sore and I can’t even begin to describe how bloated I am. This 104-pound woman looks 125 pounds. My body should be back to normal now. It’ll stay this way for a while too, as long as he doesn’t touch me or get off more than once every week or two. Since he’s cum, I’ve learned just what my body does. True to my lifelong gut feeling, his cum can’t make me pregnant. All it can do is make my cycles screwy. Anyway, I know I can expect a full and normal period by the weekend for sure. In fact, I even told God just now that I know this is a trivial request and I know he’s busy, but coming from me of all people, I’m sure he’d have no problem whatsoever with starting my period now and would be delighted to do so, so I’ll be over the worst of the cramps when I have to go out Friday. Yes, asking him for periods is an easy prayer that’s sure to be granted with no problems at all.

Gloria’s concert sucked. She looked OK body and hair-wise, although her hair was a bit short. However, she looked so tired, much older, and I never heard her voice so strained and off-key before in my life. I was sitting there laughing at her, but at the same time, I felt both embarrassed for her and sorry for her. Andy’s gonna borrow the tape one of these days, but trust me, my niece Lisa and I would’ve made her look sick if we had been there singing with her.

Later…

Tom had a funny dream the other night. He dreamt he was walking down a road with his mother when suddenly, she turned into Dennis Rodman in drag. He’s a well-known basketball player. So, I’ve been teasing him and running around here saying that I had a dream he and I were walking down a road and he turned into a butch.

Anyway, as funny as that is, I’ve been pretty depressed these last few days. Been doing a good job holding it in, though, as I don’t want to get Tom all bummed out or have us end up arguing. Besides, I could discuss it till I was blue in the face and it’ll still never change things. So, I cry on and off and try to avoid thinking about certain things that pop into my head. The mind, though, is a very hard thing to control at times.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1996 God, I hate you! I got up this morning and said to myself, maybe, just maybe, I can turn on a talk show while I’m waking up and it won’t be all about teen pregnancy and sickos getting pregnant for a change, just like 4 out 5 talk shows seem to be about these days. Sure enough, though, I had to hear about all kinds of teen pregnancies on one talk show. Then I go to change the channel and take a chance on another talk show and I had to hear all about a 13-year-old who got pregnant by her boyfriend’s father.

I swear, it’s like God’s rubbing in my face what I can’t have! Why must he tease, torture and taunt me like this? Now I can sort of relate to how my parents feel about my repetition. I can’t even turn on the fucking TV without hearing babies this and babies that and pregnant this and pregnant that. Almost every commercial is about being pregnant and having babies and so is almost every show. I’m sick of it! Like this makes it easier for me to have to deal with my never being able to have a kid? Enough is enough! It makes me sick! I’m almost afraid to turn the TV on these days. I’m tired of hearing about pregnant 12-year-olds on one channel, then flipping to the next to hear about the pregnant 15-year-old, then to the next to hear about the pregnant crack addict who’s broke, then to the next to hear about the pregnant Ku Klux Klan member, while I’m on the verge of getting my period any second here.

Later…

I just had to take a few minutes out there, cuz I just ended up bawling my eyes out. I picked up Piggy and went outside, as he makes me feel better. Also, I clipped his nails. I know I was at God’s mercy by crying like that. That’s just what he wants and I know he was up there laughing. I could feel such hate all around me. I tried to remind myself, hey, look. You need to deal with this. God’s never gonna change, he’s never gonna let you have any control over your life and that includes the right and choice to have a child, so just get over it. It sure is hard at times, though.

In a minute, I’m gonna jump in the shower. I suppose I should shave my legs. I guess Tom would like that better, but then again, he’s not gonna touch me, so I’ll do it tomorrow. Maybe this weekend he’ll touch me. If I behave. If I talk and act as he’d prefer. Last night he asked to be taken care of. So I played with his dick for a few minutes, then he wanted a back rub and said he was gonna go to sleep. I asked if he wanted me to finish taking care of him and he said no. Now, I know we all have our ways, quirks and feelings, but this still just seems so weird to me. I can’t imagine someone wanting to get all excited for nothing. I know that if he starts something with me, I expect him to finish it, or else I’ll be left horny and that’s no fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted me to get him going so he could finish off the job after I left the room. Even that seems weird to me too, cuz if I’m gonna get my own self off, I’m gonna get my own self started and not bother with anyone else being involved unless I want them involved from start to finish.

Later…

Took my shower and went through the mail. No goodies today. Just a flier for Tom and an NPN envelope for me.

The weather has really cooled down here. It’s breezy out there now and at around 10:30, it was even just a touch chilly. Around now, though, is when I wish this place would turn into Florida. Before we know it, the days will be chilly and the mornings and nights will be freezing.

It’s really cool to hear all my wind chimes going off. I’ve got so many now (7) that it’s hard to tell which one’s which.

I’ve got some good news which is gonna equal bad news, cuz it always does. Next door has been beyond too good to be true. I mean, they’ve been the best they’ve ever been. Not a sound. Not even music playing softly. It’s been this way ever since I mentioned that bad heart I’m supposed to have and that I got from my daddy, so I wish I’d thought of that piece of crock long ago.

I can’t see myself meant for heart problems and I sure as hell hope that God’s not gonna fuck with my heart now for lying about it. Especially since it’s an absolute no-no for me to do any wrong, big or small, and get away with it. It’s almost like he expects me to be perfect, while he denies me most things I want, takes just about total control over my life and God help me if I step out of line. Whereas others can get away with anything and have control over their own lives and get most of what they really want.

Anyway, since bad equals good and good equals bad, I wonder what he’s gonna do to replace their music? He’s gotta do something, so this means they’re either gonna start up again with the music or some other source of noise, or God will stick someone else’s shit on me.

The person who started the saying, “You can have anything you want in life if you work towards it,” really burns me up. This is so untrue in some cases.

Another thing that Andy said that’s supposed to be in the Bible is how God’s supposed to be a jealous God, wants to be loved and thought well of by as many people as possible. Well, if this is true, it can’t apply to me. If he wants it to apply to me, he’s gonna have to not only make some serious changes with me but with the world itself. If he stops this world’s unfairness and sickness and cruelty and allows more stable 30-year-olds to have kids, then yes, I’ll look at him in a much, much more positive light and I may even love him. I mean, come on. There have been wonderful and shocking things that really have happened to me that I never thought could or would happen and I’ve been made to eat my words, so why not a kid, too? What’s the big deal? What a stupid question, though. I know damn good and well what the big deal is.

If I can’t control my life, I wish I could at least have control over my own damn mind then. Then I wouldn’t want the things I want, since 99% of the things I want are impossible and 75% of them would take forever to achieve.

Well, since I don’t care to turn on the TV to hear all about babies and the wrong kinds of people getting pregnant, I think I’ll go work on squashing and fixing up journals on the computer. I’ve got up to 55 squashed and up to 23 fixed, so that’ll be what I’ll go continue working on now.

Later…

I’ve had enough writing for now, so I’ll just quickly say that we went to the library and Gloria’s concert on HBO sucked, but I’ll expand later.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1996 Got some cat and dog stickers from the ASPCA today. So, since this journal and the next are heavily decorated in the inner covers, I went and decorated the 5 Lisa Frank books. I also stuck a dog and a cat each on envelopes that’ll go to Kim and Larry. I didn’t for Bob, cuz I think they might think there’s drugs or something hidden within or under the sticker, so I didn’t take the chance.

I also designed that boring journal cover of Kim’s she sent. If someone gives me a journal, fine. But if I don’t like it, I can always design the cover myself and that’s just what I did. I used some of the cat drawing pictures that Kim sent that were in one of the calendars. I’ve got 2 on the front cover and 2 on the back. I laid them down and then wrapped them up with clear contact paper.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the trip took about 4 hours. That excludes the time we stopped for breakfast on the way up. I didn’t know this, but the California border is only about 2½ to 3 hours away. I always had thought it was about 6. It’s 6 to Los Angeles and any kind of city, I guess.

Andy decided that yes, the print of my journals, which was very small to avoid having to take up thousands of pages, is way too small for him to read and it strains his bad eyes and gives him headaches.

Well, good. He’s gonna bring the book back. I should never have made the stupid mistake of giving him the book in the first place, but you live and learn. I told him, though, that I still wouldn’t be surprised if I died before he does, so then he can borrow the originals.

Tom brought up an interesting point the other day. Through talking to him, I was able to realize that I’ve gotten at least 3 pre-thought-of dreams. Coming here, going to California and his cumming. As far as I’m concerned, though, I’ll still never be pregnant. It’s always been that the things I want the most never do come true and I’ve wanted a kid more than these 3 things. Besides, I still think that goes along with God’s unfairness rule. It doesn’t matter to him what kinds of people live here, go to California and have mutual sex. Especially since the majority of the population seems to have no trouble with mutual sex. It’s not as unfair for an asshole to go to a particular place or have mutual sex as it is for God to allow them a child.

As I’ve been proofreading my journals, on the computer, I realized all the more such weird and scary patterns about my life. Well, I’ve established long ago that I just can’t get away with shit. Anything I’ve ever done wrong, I was almost always caught in some way shape or form. Meanwhile, people can commit murder and never get caught by anyone. Probably not even suspected.

Also, as I’ve said before, I’ve figured out long ago that the more you do wrong, the more God seems to respect you and love you and the more he gives you, though this doesn’t seem to apply to me. If I killed someone, he would not bless, respect, protect and reward me. For some reason, God seems to really be against me misbehaving. Not only does he seem to be against me and hate me when I’m good, he always has punished me when I’ve done wrong. He punished me by having so many people wake me up in different places I lived after the few years I woke up so many people by prank calling them. Now, if I was most anyone else, he’d never wake me up and get me back for waking up others. I know he wouldn’t. He never even punished Andy the way he’s punished me. Yes, he’s punishing us both, as always, and the patterns of our lives are quite scary. He’s so much like me that I think it scares us, as much as it helps us to talk about it and share each other’s dreams that we’ll never have. Here’s another good person, asking for a human and normal thing (and I don’t think asking for love is too much to ask for), yet God’s basically always told him to fuck off. Meanwhile, the child molesters and murderers have no problem finding love and so much more.

But then there’s Gloria. What is with her? How does God see her and why? As far as I know, she’s never been a bad person. I know no one’s perfect, but she does seem to be quite a classy person. I can’t see her ever committing crimes or beating her kids or into drugs and other negative shit, so why has he broken his general rule with her and let her have it all? I guess God just has a few select people that he considers special and superior to others. Gloria may have worked hard to maintain all she has, but she never had to work for it in the first place. It just came to her on a silver platter. Meanwhile, I’ve fought for things in the past and the present only to never get them or to have to wait years for them, all the while fighting tooth and nail for these things.

I really think God hates Jews and women. I used to think he didn’t hate gays, cuz if he hated any such thing or person, why not just eliminate the thing or person? Now I don’t know, though, cuz he hates me and hasn’t eliminated me or gays and the reason why I’m wondering lately if he hates gays, is cuz of how he allows them to be treated by society.

I saw a movie last night that really made me sick. And madder than hell. This was a true story of two lesbian lovers, both seemingly decent and fit to be parents. Well, one had a kid and the girl’s own mother took her to court to fight for custody of the kid cuz of her lover. How fucking sick! Then they say it’d harm the kid? How? How can two people that love each other harm a kid? These women weren’t doing anything explicit in front of the kid. Meanwhile, the straights can do all the explicit things they want in front of their kids and abuse them in all kinds of ways and kill people, yet still keep their kids. How can any court be so sick as to make a woman choose between love and her kid? How can any court be so sick as to have homosexuality be a class A felony? You mean loving someone for who they are and not what they are and what body parts they have is actually worse than prank phone calls? Well, obviously it is to them, cuz prank phone calls are misdemeanors everywhere. Sick, sick, sick!!! Quality should matter when it comes to parents, not gender or how many of them.

And speaking of this world’s motherfuckers who have it all, like fame, money, power, love, kids, and good health, well, I can’t believe (but then again, I can) our own fucking president lied his way into being elected. He promised to fight for gay rights upon election, but what did the little fuck just do? He banned the right for gays to marry. That fucking cock-sucking SOB.

What is it with you God, huh? Why do you want this world to be so sick, cruel and unfair? What are you trying to accomplish? What?!

I just wish I knew why God was so full of hate. Is God really the devil? Is there really no God, but just a devil?

Anyway, since my periods are like a faithful best friend who will never ever go away till I hit menopause, I’ve got quite the PMS case here. About 3 different times I weighed as high as 106 and I’ve got PMS in every sense of the word. I have every single symptom of PMS that PMS has to offer, so I’m a million percent sure I’ll be getting my period by the weekend. I know that tit soreness is part of pregnancy as the body adjusts to the new higher hormone levels, but even if God were fair and would allow me to get pregnant, you aren’t supposed to have pre-cramps and that’s exactly what I’m getting on and off. I’m the most fearful of Tom not cumming again for two years or so, more so than I ever have been since he first did in July. It’s just a strong feeling I get, but all I can do is hope I’m wrong and wait and see what he does.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1996 Right now I’m not in the greatest mood. I still have been having dizzy spells here and there. Tom says not to worry about it and it’ll go away.

Tom’s also got me pissed off right now. It’s just over the usual - sex. After he came home, he got naked, sat down in front of the TV, then I asked him if he needed anything and he said he needed to screw. So, I got up, turned off the TV, and was gonna get him going while he was still sitting there, but then he said it wasn’t very nice of me to turn off the TV like that.

Then why’d he say he wanted to screw? I’m just tired, once again, of these sex games. I’m sick of having sex in waves and of having a part-time sexual relationship. We either have sex or we don’t from now on.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1996 We’re back home now, of course, so now I can begin writing all about our wonderful vacation.

First, though, yes I’m definitely gonna get my period in about a week. I have PMS in every sense of the word. I figured I would, though, and as I told Tom, in October I’m not gonna dog him about having a period then as he said I could cuz that wouldn’t be fair. The proper person to “dog” would be God, but that’d be useless. He’d just be up there laughing at me and that’s exactly what he would want.

Now, about the trip. The drive to and from there was long, tiring and boring, but the scenery was beautiful with lots of huge mountains. I didn’t know there was such a thing as the high desert and the low desert. Up in the high desert, there are lots of Yucca trees and Joshua trees. In the low desert, there are lots of Prickly Pears and Saguaros. I think the low desert is prettier. There were lots of dangerous roads that wound in and out, up and down the mountains and we even had our headlights on, as most cars did, to make seeing an oncoming car easier. There were some skinny wooden white crosses here and there that represent where people have died. We never saw any rabbits, foxes or snakes out in the remote areas where there were no towns, but we saw buzzards. Those are birds that are bigger than pigeons and they’re scavengers. They eat dead animals. Most of the trip was just an empty desert with distant mountains. We only passed through 3 tiny towns which were Wickenburg, Kingman and Bullhead City, which I call Bullshit City. On the way up we stopped for breakfast in Kingman, but we didn’t stop anywhere on the way back.

We traveled to Needles, California through the Arizona side of the Colorado River, which I saw. That river is sparkling clean compared to the Connecticut River.

I was so emotional and so excited as we entered CA. Another childhood dream come true. That was so sweet of Tom to get me there and said it was my temporary fix till we went further into CA to places like Sea World and Disneyland. Needles is right over the CA border in the middle of CA. Maybe just a bit lower than mid-CA. Needles is part of San Bernardino County near Barstow. It looked just like the desert regions of AZ and NV. As well as NM, TX and UT. There’s the desert side of CA and the ocean side of CA, separated by a huge mountain, but of course, that’s way further into the state. I didn’t see a sign that said we were entering CA, cuz we kind of entered by a back door, but it was so cool to see the interstate signs that said California. We pulled up by a Taco Bell and got a soda. Meanwhile, I was out at the base of a small mountain right off of the parking lot, jumping for joy. Then we stopped a little further out in CA in another nowhere land area where there was nothing but flat desert with lots of huge mountains off in the distance. Tom and I took one picture of each of us and one of both of us. Out of all the times, I wrote about going to California throughout my journals as one big fantasy, it’s cool to finally see it written as the truth. I remembered as I stood in CA, looking all around me, how I used to twirl around on my swing set when I was little and wonder when I was facing CA. Then, I’d twirl around real fast, knowing I had to have faced it several times.

As we were getting in the car to head for Laughlin, I took a white-gray rock and here at home, I took my purple paint pen and wrote “California 9/19/1996.”

After driving about 30-40 miles in CA, which took an hour, we traveled the Nevada side of the river into Laughlin. I like Laughlin much better than Vegas. The lights at night are much nicer in Vegas, but Laughlin was more of an older and mellow crowd and it wasn’t so mobbed. Parts of the afternoons were sort of mobbed, but not like with Vegas. That place is almost always rocking. Laughlin’s smaller, too.

We stood on the 24th floor of the Riverside Resort which has 26 floors. It had a beautiful view of the area. We were sort of dipped down in a valley with mountains of nowhere land all around us. Laughlin is just a little lone town out in the middle of nowhere. The big mountain tops were almost level with my head as I stood to peer out of the hotel window, cuz that’s how big they are, even though we were in a valley and on the 24th floor. It was a nicer-looking hotel room than the Ex-Caliber in Vegas, but shit were those beds hard! They were agonizingly hard and I had to take the bedspreads from both beds and lay those down under me.

After we checked in, we went and gambled for a bit, then to a restaurant. This was the other negative part of the trip, besides the long drive and hard beds and that was that these two little girls were being so obnoxious. They were screaming and running around the restaurant like crazy. The parents just wouldn’t discipline them at all. These kids were lucky they weren’t around a good 20 years or so ago when more parents tended to discipline their kids. I was dead tired and it really made me glad we didn’t have a kid then as it really would be a burden to gamble and have fun and get some sleep with one around. We certainly wouldn’t be able to have sex, either, cuz what would we do? Tell it to wait in the bathroom till we were done? Daycare would cost a fortune. We’d have to gamble one at a time, too, while the other one watched the kid up in the room. Coming home and wanting to just relax with space, peace, and quiet would be just a dream.

So, after we ate prime rib, we gambled some more, both together and separately. I kept winning and losing the whole time and Tom told me that if I see something I like at the gift shop or wherever, to get it while I have the money. So, since I stretched the $60 I had to begin with, I ended up being able to get $55 worth of wind chimes. I got 4 gorgeous ones which I’ll describe later.

For the most part, I played quarter machines. I got carded 3 times and the change people looked at me strangely when I asked for quarters with the way I say the word with my Eastern accent.

Here we go again with Wendy calling and bugging Tom with computer questions, but he’s at his mom’s right now, so there’s nothing he can do for her at the moment. What’s the story with this woman, though? Is she still heavy on him, or what?

Anyway, I basically played quarters and would win 200 quarters, and several 10s, 20s, 50s 100s and a 150 here and there, but of course I’d lose it. It was so much fun and I really love gambling and even have a favorite slot machine now which was at the Gold River Hotel. We were there on the 2nd day. There’s a machine there that has your typical 3 wheels that roll around with bars and 7s and cherries, but it also has a wheel up top. If you roll and get the money bag symbol, you get to spin the wheel and you can get from 25-500 quarters.

I like the Gold River’s change-holding cups best, too with its cactus design. The Riverside Resort just had a map on their cup, but I liked it cuz it covered where we had gone.

I bought a really pretty magnet with different shiny colors on it of a desert scene with different cactuses that says “Nevada.” And I also got one that has cards, dice and change on it that says ‘Laughlin’ and it also has my name. Even though I hate my name, I got it cuz I thought it was weird that I’d find something with my name on it, which isn’t too common, and I like the design.

Here’s a description of the wind chimes. One’s only a few inches long with one small and one larger purple crystal rock with gold chimes. The sun reflects through it nicely. One’s longer with bold colors, streaked with silver on its chimes and it has horses. The next longer one has beautiful floral chimes streaked with silver. The longest one, which is about 2’, has one rainbow-colored chime in the center which is streaked with silver, and then it’s got 5 round rings with round balloons hanging inside the outer ring. They’re really gorgeous.

By around 6 PM, I was getting very tired, but couldn’t sleep for a while till I made the bed comfier. So I listened to some CDs, and sent postcards and short letters with the hotel’s stationery to a few people. I contemplated on and off sending my folks a card. I asked Tom if he thought I should and he said yes, so cards and brief notes went to Kim, Bob, Larry, Tammy and my folks, but I still won’t write regularly to my folks or call them. I’ll let them call me and I certainly don’t want to see them, cuz I still mean it when I say that the 30 years of BS are over. Not only do I think that they weren’t very good parents, I don’t think they’re very good people. They’re certainly not my type, anyway. I’m sure Tammy will be pleased to hear that I sent them a card and not pressure me about contacting them for a while since Ma tells her every single thing I do or say to them.

We ended up falling asleep and waking up at the same time and that was from 9 PM - 5 AM. Before I went to bed, Tom went down on me, then we screwed when we got up. He didn’t get off, cuz his legs were still sore from working on the roof. At least it can’t leak in here and there’s only a little tiny bit left of roof work to do.

When we got up, we gambled a bit, then ate at that same restaurant. It was nice and quiet in there and it was right by the river, so we had a nice view from where we sat. Then we gambled for a while, then went to the post office which was below the casino. They had casinos down there too, though. After sending my mail out, we walked out by the river and saw some boats and some folks were on jet skis. We saw some ducks and even a pigeon walking by. Then we went to the Gold River to gamble, then back to check out of the Riverside, then back to the Gold River again till we lost our money and left.

Later…

I finally got Kim’s package. I really only liked two of the shirts. The ones saying ‘Arizona’ and ‘New Mexico,’ but Tom likes more of them and he’ll probably wear them. The calendars were nothing special. There were only a few pictures I liked that I’ve decorated my journals with. I thought they were live pictures, not drawings/paintings. The journal was rather dull, but I’ll make my own cover.

I left Andy a message when I got up this morning real early to let him know I needed to unwind from the trip, would be busy, but that I’d call him Monday. Sure enough, he called right back, so we chatted for a while. I told him about the trip and he told me got it off with Quinn, but still has to play his selfish games if he wants to know Quinn.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1996 Right now Tom’s gone to the ATM to pull some money. We will be leaving soon. We’re going to CA today, not tomorrow. We’ll still be at Laughlin, too. Today! Today I’m going to CA! I’ve been waiting 30 years for this.

Later…

We are now on our way and we’re pretty psyched. Going to CA is no big deal for Tom as he’s not from NE and once lived in Riverside, CA.

We’re moving again, so my handwriting will be horrible. We’re just about out of the city limits. I’ve got my old boom box playing now. Tom stuck a cord on it so it could be plugged into the cigarette lighter.

Later…

We’re out in nowhere land now where it’s just vast expanses of open desert. Lots of cactuses and Joshua trees. We’re in between the tiny towns of Wickenburg and Kingman. We’re gonna stop at Kingman for a bite to eat. We brought the camera and camcorder and I did a little filming along the way and shot a few pictures.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1996 Guess where we’re going? To Laughlin, Nevada, and to California! I’m so psyched! We’ll be leaving around 4 AM tomorrow, then driving to Laughlin. We should arrive there at 11 AM or so. At some point, he’ll take me just over the CA border which is mostly just a remote desert. I didn’t know the CA border was just a few minutes away from Laughlin. We’ll be staying overnight, then we’ll be driving back around 11 AM at check-out time.

Later…

I called Tammy and let her know where we’re going. She’s sick, as usual.

We’re definitely well due for this vacation. We have not had a vacation since getting married in Vegas. We won’t have much money for gambling and we can’t do anything in CA, but it’ll still be lots of fun. Hopefully, we can be on the top floor of whatever hotel we’ll be in. You know how the NHA made me as far as people above me goes. Tom says it’ll be dead, though, and so many rooms will be vacant.

He’s finishing up the roof now. I told him Monday sounded too good to be true as far as finishing the roof goes.

I just wish I were the size I was when we got married. Most of my clothes are too tight on me now and Tom says it’s part of the change. Still? I thought my body had returned to normal till the next shot, but he says my hormones are still out of whack and my body will be different trying to get pregnant, during pregnancy and then returning to the period mode. Anyway, I know my thin days are over, whether he’s right or wrong on this baby thing.

I left a message on Andy’s machine about the little trip we’re gonna take.

The more I think about it, the more I’m pissed off at myself for letting Andy read my journals. How fucking embarrassing and what a way to strip myself of privacy when it comes to journaling. He’s never gonna let me live down certain stupid things I’ve written.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1996 I certainly haven’t been writing much lately, have I? I’ve been busy with that computer journal project.

The work on the roof is coming along well and we hope to hell it’ll be done by tomorrow. Tom planned on the roof being done yesterday, but I told him I had a vibe telling me there’d be a setback, and sure enough, he did run into a problem. Guess I’m still right on some things I foresee.

I’m not at all surprised Ma included “psychic powers” on her little do-not-discuss list. I should’ve known that’d scare her and that she’s not at all open-minded about shit like that.

Anyway, I didn’t wake up at all today during the time he was working on the roof and I barely remember being woken up once yesterday. The day before, I woke up a few times but quickly fell back asleep.

See? There’s a big difference when you’re woken up by something at home and when you expect it and know how long it’ll last.

I still don’t dig the idea of being woken up for months due to a screaming baby and that’s something that goes on and on and you can’t quickly go back to sleep. You have to get up with it for a half-hour to an hour constantly. Well, I need not worry, but if I ever do, I’ve still got a long time yet.

Tom and I figure that the cycle began when I had those two full-period days. Therefore, I can expect a period in two weeks. I have a very, very weird feeling that I won’t see a period for a while, but since I know better, I am constantly telling myself, "You’re gonna get your period, you’re gonna get your period, you’re gonna get your period…"

This way I won’t get caught up in dreams and lose touch with reality. Reading back on my journals is a sad reminder of how I can’t have any pre-thought-of dreams and I wouldn’t even get my hopes up if I missed a few periods. Not with the way things are too good to be true. Not with the way I’ve made a fool out of myself in the past by getting all hopeful and positive.

Tom still says I won’t weigh what I weigh now on my birthday. Even if I conceived around October 1st, that’s only about two months. Then again, I probably would weigh around 108 from water.

Oh, Mystery, stop dreaming, will you?!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1996 Tom just got up. We can't have sex till Tuesday cuz he's gonna be working on the roof till Monday. It's OK, I told him. I understand it needs to be done and is our top priority. So far, the work he's doing on the roof looks great and is going great.

Still no package from Kim. She must've gotten tied up and wasn't able to mail it out when she said she was going to. Of course, there's always a fear of it being misdelivered.

I've got about 9 journals decapped, spell-checked, capped, and proofread, but there's been a problem with something taking up so much memory, that I can no longer save my work as I go along. Tom's still trying to figure this one out, but hey, there's always a problem with I do some type of project on the computer.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1996 I haven’t written as much due to my being rather busy. Right now I’m sprawled out on the bed cuz my ass is sore from sitting at the computer. You’d think, though, my ass wouldn’t be sore, as I’ve got enough fat to cushion it. Now I’m usually weighing 104. Something really got all fouled up during my last wacky period, since nothing else has changed with me. Not necessarily anything wrong, but obviously I have a severe case of water retention now. I expect my period in a day or two, so maybe then my water weight will subside.

This is weird, yet wonderful. Well, I haven’t heard next door at all. I mean, not at all. Not even soft bass thumping as they come and go and yes, the Jeep is there. I’ve seen it parked there. Well, Tom’s on vacation this week, so hopefully they’ll stay quiet and not bug us.

I went to Andy’s last night and I finished the cat.

He’s got the printed version of journals 1-20. How fucking embarrassing!

I never did get Kim’s package yet.

Tom perfected the de-capping system and here are the 4 steps I go through with the journals. First, I de-cap it and turn it into all small letters. Then I check the spelling, then I cap it (words like I’ll, I’m, I, and letters after periods). Then I proofread it and cap any names or song titles the spell check may not pick up and correct any typos.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1996 Gloria's gonna be on HBO in a couple of weeks. On the 21st, I think. I'll have to check it out and see how she's looking these days. At least I'll get a dynamic performance from her with lots of great songs.

Starting next Wednesday, the season premiere of Law & Order begins. I had given up on the show for a while, but the last one was so good, that I may check it out again for a while.

Gosh, I really really wish we'd gotten the de-cap thing all squared away. Tonight would've been a great night to play with it and I'm in the mood to do so. Well, it'll all be squared away when I'm either not in the mood for it or am busy with something else.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1996 I realized something and that is that this is the longest stretch of time I’ve gone without feeling like I’m gonna panic just cuz I can’t have a kid. Also, it’s still such a good feeling to have us both cumming.

I never heard next door blast in, but there was a light on over there when I last looked over there. I guess Mike never came home. I hope they broke up. Better yet, I hope he’s in jail and will stay there for a very long time.

In back of this book is a listing of all the local radio stations and what they’re all about. Tom got it for me out of his mom’s paper.

Last night I did 3 drawings. A shitty one of a woman, an OK one of a cat, and a fairly good one of Norah. I redecorated the walls in here and made room in another spot in the music room for wall art. I’d like to possibly do a Queen Ann palm tree. We also still want to paint over some of my shittier and older wall art so I can redo stuff there.

We’ve got the EC on now since it’s cooled down tremendously. It’s so humid in here, though. Even this book’s pages are rippled due to the moisture in the air, but they’ll straighten out when it’s gone.

Can’t wait to get Kim’s package. Hope it comes tomorrow.

The symptoms are back again. I’m not moody, but I’m peeing frequently and my tits are definitely bigger. I’m 3 or 4 inches bigger all around than I should be. Meaning, I didn’t just recently get bigger, but I do need to lose 3 or 4 inches all over and firm up. I don’t know why my tits have grown. Maybe it’s water or just cuz I’m older, but I hope they don’t get any bigger. Already my clothes don’t fit right. That’s why I always liked small ones. Clothes fit better and you can get away with no bra which is a pain in the ass and you don’t have to worry about bouncing all over. I’m still hanging in at 102 and I assume the reason I feel all bloated and all that is cuz I’ve got PMS. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, Tom’s working on writing a macro so I can de-cap documents that are all capped.

Later…

OK, why I’m now 103 and sometimes even 104 is really a mystery to me that’s pissing me off. I can’t be pregnant, so why? I should’ve dropped a pound or two seeing how I peed 5 times in the last hour.

Anyway, I talked to Andy earlier. He has no energy to see me tonight, but maybe tomorrow night.

Tom says he wants the new roof on and done by Monday. He’s gonna have to be working on it during the weekend whether I’m asleep or not. So God, please compensate me with something nice seeing how I’ll no doubt be dog tired.

I hope his racket won’t encourage next door to raise hell, but they may just do so anyway. I hate to think of how rowdy they’ll be on New Year’s Eve since they really lived it up on Labor Day. I doubt they’ll be here then. I think there’ll be new people there every year or two and they seem like the type to be there closer to a year, rather than two years.

After we get the de-capping system up to par, I’m gonna de-cap all the journals I typed with all caps. Then I’ll cap it and I’ll cap it like it normally does when I type with all small letters. All I’ll have to cap manually are names, places and first letters in the first words that begin each paragraph. Then I’ll choose different fonts for each journal, then I may very well go through and proofread them since there are a million typos and I may reprint them, too.

Well, I think I’ll go type Minnie a letter. After that, I may watch TV or something, but I’ll figure out something to do.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1996 Here they come. I saw the kids using their monkey bars. With the weather cooling down, I’m sure that’ll be a regular sight. And they can see over into other yards too, so, so much for privacy as well as peace.

I still can’t get past level 12 on Jezzball, so Tom’s trying to beat that now. I told him he won’t beat that.

Later…

My typed version of the journal excerpts came out weird. I guess the capping system reversed itself cuz the first word of every second sentence in every paragraph is small. So he’ll get a letter with all caps, except for that. I wish I could de-cap stuff I typed with all caps. Anyway, I realized my excerpts of the edits were a bit too long. Meaning each subject is too long. So I went and shortened a new version for practice just like I had cut down my edit tapes.

Tom didn’t beat level 13 and I still can’t either. It’s really weird cuz 98% of the things I practice, I improve on, but I’m stuck in a rut with this game.

Earlier I felt like I had period cramps, but who knows what I really felt? I have no bleeding, but I took an ibuprofen to ease it, anyway. My guess is that I’ll get a period (normal or not?). In about 4 days. I just can’t seem to get my weight below 100 and I haven’t eaten much, either. I’m usually a steady 102 and I’m usually feeling quite bloated. I feel as if my tits have grown a bit and he noticed, too, when I asked him.

Tom and I had a fun night. We chatted and fooled around and he’s all psyched up due to having success with a computer project.

It’s beautiful outside now, even though it’s thundering and lightning a little and raining, too.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1996 OK, time to catch up. We didn’t go to the Grand Canyon the other day cuz my schedule just couldn’t match up, but we’ll go one of these days.

Meanwhile, we had a fun and productive weekend. We screwed and yes, he got off.

We went swimming and to see his mom. He went over there by himself on Sunday to mow her lawn and take her to and from church.

He also worked on getting the frame ready for the sound block that’s to go in the living room window.

I talked with Andy and he played me a message he got from a certain person we used to know. When we worked together at Denny’s in Chicopee, there was a cook there named Jayke. She was a great cook and a nice person, but a bit delusional as she’d claim to be able to contact some spirit of a dead rock singer and other witchy things. She reminds me of Al Loomer. She was one of those who appeared both with it and not with it. Few people are like that. They either seem with it or they don’t. She was what I describe as a stable-acting fuck-up. Anyway, Jayke said she hasn’t talked to Andy in so long, has been thinking of him and would like to talk to him.

Every now and then Kim sends a package of goodies to me of stuff she doesn’t want, but that she doesn’t want to just ditch, either. She says she’s sending a few sleep shirts she doesn’t want and a journal and a couple of expired cat calendars. She says the journal’s blue with silver Victorian geometrical designs. If it’s what I’m thinking of, it’s gonna be a rather dull-looking journal and Kim has dull taste for the most part. If so, though, I’ll make and design my own cover as I did with the one Andy gave me that he found in the dumpster.

She says the cat calendars have really cool pictures in them. One’s pocket size and the other’s a bigger hardcover book.

Later…

Tom just called from work to tell me he’ll be working a little late, so don’t worry. He’ll be home in 1½ hours.

I still have no desire at this time to contact my parents. Our letters to each other were obviously a waste of time and we’ll never see eye to eye with each other. Neither of us is comfortable with each other and we’re just too different to ever get along and right now, I just want to associate with Larry whenever, associate with Tammy as little as possible and not associate with any other family member.

A couple of days ago I got a letter from Kim and she enclosed a Bob letter that said how worried he was over me. Remember? I was supposed to be missing. He should’ve gotten my letter last Friday as if nothing at all went wrong and Kim and I both will carry on with our plans. We know nothing about it. I’m also doing something a little different for Bob that he least expects. See, he knows and expects lines like the rooms being on fire and all that, so it’s nothing new to him if I wrote mumbo jumbo. However, I thought of a neat way to be weird and make him wonder, yet still make sense. What I’m doing is I’m taking excerpts from different journals on the computer and putting them into one file and editing a letter for him that way. This way I’ll be making sense, but he’ll wonder who the hell I’m talking about and when the hell I’m talking about and where the hell I’m talking about.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1996 There’s still no sign of baby Measles, but Measles has shown up here and there.

All’s OK with next door this weekend. So far. And I repeat, so far. Last night, though, someone came blaring in to see them at 9:30, then left two minutes later, probably to buy drugs.

Tom says he thinks a teenager lives there and sees her leave for the school bus every morning.

I pulled my master oldie tapes and redubbed them since I’ve gotten so many on CDs. I shrunk them from 3 tapes to 2 tapes. I had to use Tom’s tape deck, though, cuz as God would have it, my tapes don’t record too well. They’re much softer and a bit distorted, but that beats having everything too soft due to a wimpy system. Also, it’s good that I’m not as into recording/editing as I used to be.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1996 Last night was a disaster as far as sex was concerned. I have a couple of theories as to why what happened, happened. It’s either one of them or both, I guess. We just couldn’t get him inside me. He claimed I moved too much, so that was why he couldn’t get in there. The first time I moved too much, but I was pretty sure I stood still the second time around to let him do the lining up. Both times, though, after I got him hard by hand, it seemed he deflated as soon as he tried to get in there. I thought maybe he was worried about me or got scared at the possible close call we might have had, but he claimed he was fine. During all this, I could’ve sworn I felt a presence in the room, but who knows what it was? All I can say is that it didn’t agree with what we were doing. It didn’t agree with us having fun and it certainly didn’t agree with us making a kid, either. Well, I’m still sure a kid will never be made by us, but Tom was telling me beforehand not to nag him and let him be him sexually cuz he has no control over what happens in bed. He also told me that the reason why I feel cursed and like things go in cycles is cuz I decide too much in my mind. He says saying something will or won’t be, won’t prevent good results, but it can lead to bad results or no results. I don’t agree with that one. Not when there’s been plenty of times I said I would and that I wouldn’t be a singer and I still ended up not being a singer.

The other possibility as to what happened was that he decided to tease me for saying I was worried once again about our sex life going back to its old ways and he deliberately made sure he couldn’t get inside me so I’d feel frustrated, embarrassed, and not good enough as a little payback. Maybe he’s gonna make sure, if he can, that things don’t go my way or our way if I say they won’t or probably won’t, just to get me to stop bitching or worrying out loud so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Perhaps that’s it. Perhaps he’s got more control over the situation than he’ll ever admit and he won’t get off more often till and if I talk more positively or not at all.

Well, I still say, welcome back to the good old times. Meaning, I won’t be the least bit surprised if we have to wait another couple of years for him to get off again. Then maybe I’ll have another 3-week period, then just as my body’s able to “hook” he won’t cum again for another couple of years. All I can say is that I hope to hell I’m wrong and that all works out OK and that we have a kid and that he continues to cum regularly enough. I want to have the control over him that he has over me and make him get off regularly cuz I’m good enough to do so. Still, I can’t help but think that this is just a dream. Just like with the singing, just like with the woman, just like with other things I’ve really wanted. While I’m blessed with enough things to be thankful for, I asked myself, has God ever given me something that I’ve really, really wanted bad? No. I always wanted to move out here, but not as bad as I wanted to sing, to have a woman, to have a kid, to quit smoking, to get on a steady schedule. There really is a definite pattern. If God blesses me with anything wonderful, it’s stuff I never thought about. I wanted to move out here, but not as much or as often as I wanted the other things. I never thought about marrying a guy, computers, drawing and lots of other things I didn’t really set out to do that are still nice gifts/blessings. I’m blessed with being in a house and out of poverty, but I never thought of having this due to a guy I was married to. I’m blessed with no longer having to play bus or beg for rides, but again, I never thought it’d be in the way that it is. I’ve no regrets about the way that it is and it was a wonderful surprise, but once again, I ask the same question I’ve been asking all my life: Am I ever gonna get something I dream of and think of and want really, really bad? Since I do believe that God compensates and gives if he takes, this could be a good sign. I haven’t seen Measles today and I haven’t seen Baby Measles for days, so maybe, just maybe, this is a sign that I shall be given something. But will it be something I really want bad? Something I’ve dreamt of and thought of for a long time? Or will it just be a new bird that I consider a favorite? Or is it cuz I got the stereo of my dreams that he took these birds? Believe it or not and regardless of my fears of going back in time sexually and who knows how else, I still do have a good feeling for this next year. A feeling of a major change, too, and babies do bring that. Still, I’m afraid to dream and to hope, but the different feelings I feel are what I feel (both good and bad) and there’s no changing or denying them.

Later…

I just took a quick dip in the pool and that thing sure is cooling down. Right on time, though. It cools down right about now every year.

There’s still no sign of either Measles out there, but we’ll see. It is a weird coincidence that 2 out of my 3 favorite birds have disappeared. Who knows if they’re dead, sick of me, or if God did take them and is about to give me something else in exchange? I just want him to stop picking at me and keeping me in a rut and holding me back. I want him to be fair and show that he can love us enough to bless us with the gift of a child as he’d do with any murderer. Perhaps people would think that’s selfish as I’m sure there are plenty of people out there with pasts worse than mine and with little or no blessings or skills, but this is just how I honestly feel. I don’t think a child is asking for much. I think that’s a perfectly normal and human request, compared to asking God to dump millions of 100-dollar bills on our lawn.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1996 Yesterday I got 3 new CDs from the record club. The Village People, Paul McCartney, and Alice Cooper.

As far as next door goes, they may give us another wave of peace that’ll hopefully be longer.

When I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday, I heard bass thumping. It wasn’t loud, but it was a little obnoxious. So, as I went to peek out the door, he saw me and said, “Yeah, I’m pulling out.”

So then I told him, excluding holidays, I appreciate how he’s been keeping it down overall and would like him to keep it that way, stressing the “keep” part. Like, don’t you fucking get it yet, freeloader?

Minnie called last night. She had the second kid she didn’t want or deserve.

Later…

I got a hold of Tammy and told her that I don’t go by hearsay and asked her to her face if she told Mom that I told her of my past sexual problems with Tom and she said no. She said they mainly discussed things in general, but that the only things they discussed relative to that was whether or not I could conceive due to my past and the DES. Due to my past? What supposedly happened in my past besides the DES that could have sterilized me? Is she talking about the years of medications? I didn’t ask, but oh well. I still think that DES or not, it’s God. Right now, for example, I’m kind of bored and I could be putting this time and energy into caring for a child, but God said no. God said I must remain purposeless with no destiny.

Tammy says that whatever I choose to do about Mom and Dad won’t affect us as sisters, but I don’t know. I feel like she’s pressuring me to do what they want and fuck what I want and like she’s never gonna get off my case if I don’t have more to do with them than just send cards for special occasions. She goes on and on with how they supported me for years and I never denied that, but look at all the shit I’ve gotten in the midst of all that supposed support. Just cuz they’ve done things for me doesn’t give them the right to try to control me into being what they want me to be. I mean, my mother gave birth to me, but that doesn’t make a lot of the things she did to me OK.

I tried to tell Tammy that all I wanted to know is if she told Mom what I told her or not, not for her to keep this 3-way bullshit going and gang up on me with Mom and Dad and on and on. It’s my loss, she says, but I see it as my gain if I have little or no contact with them, cuz I’m sick of the bullshit. I don’t want to get involved any longer with the types of people that expect me to kiss their asses.

What if I did make it as a singer tomorrow? It’s kind of sad to know that my own mother wouldn’t want to know about it and that she wouldn’t give a shit. If I had a baby, she wouldn’t want to know about it. What kind of a mother says that to her child? What kind of mother doesn’t say to their kid, “I know it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault, but I’m sorry you’re sterile.” Instead, she acts like she couldn’t care less and tells me not to mention it. There’s no support or anything. She could never come out and tell me that if I needed to talk, bitch, or cry about it, to call her and that she’ll be there for me as a listening ear and support me.

Tom said that when the kid he still thinks we’re gonna have is born, why not send a birth announcement, cuz then the ball’s in her court?

I don’t think so. If they can’t give a damn about me, I can’t give a damn about them or putting anything in their court. I don’t want to associate with those who are only proud of me when I’m saying and dressing and being what they want me to be. Tammy said it’s not like they’re telling me I can’t ever sing or that I should cut my hair off, etc. That’s true, but I still can’t ever feel comfortable associating with those who want me to be what they want and who lie and act like they couldn’t care less about any problems or anything that matters to me. They’d sympathize with me if I had an accident and had to have surgery, but they sure as hell don’t give a fuck about sterilization, cuz they don’t think I should have a kid.

Tom doesn’t think I should smoke, but he still accepts me for who and what I am. He isn’t just there for me if it’s something he agrees with. He doesn’t try to change me or tell me not to talk about something he doesn’t care about or can’t relate to. Tom says you can’t compare spouses to daughters and parents, but still, if you really love someone as a friend or a family member, you let them be themselves. You let them know you care and are there for them if there’s a problem with sterility or anything else. You let them talk about what makes them happy as much as they want or need to. You don’t just take the parts of them you like. Everyone has what others see as their ups and downs and when you love someone as a friend, spouse or daughter, you take the whole package deal. Not just the parts you like and or agree with.

Tammy still thinks that just cuz they’re my parents, who weren’t perfect, who did a lot of things wrong yet still love me, I should just give them what they want. Oh, either way, they’ll get what they want cuz I’m not discussing something with someone who doesn’t give a shit. Who would want to discuss something that someone said they didn’t want to hear? If there was a whole new problem going on with us that was similar to sterility, I wouldn’t discuss it with them, regardless of whether I thought they’d agree, care, or understand cuz there’s no trust there. Absolutely no trust. I wrote the letters I did for her and Dad, not for her to discuss with Tammy. If mom or dad really needed to talk about it and felt they couldn’t talk to me, they should’ve talked to each other. They’ve betrayed me and I could never trust them with anything personal.

Later…

I just had the weather channel on and there’s a big hurricane that’s gonna really slam the hell out of Georgia and the Carolinas. It looks like it’s gonna miss Florida. This one’s almost like Hurricane Hugo was in ‘89 and I see lots of death and destruction, unfortunately. This one’s Hurricane Fran.

I’m still not sure if I like the idea of Andy reading my journals. Not just cuz of any embarrassment I’d feel, but due to the fact that I won’t feel like my writing is private and something I do for me and for me only. Oh well, we’ll just wait and see what happens with that.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1996 Yup, next door had a party yesterday. It wasn’t the worst party, but it’s not something I enjoyed either. There wasn’t any ball-playing, but they barbecued, and for about 3 hours I had to sit and listen to their music. Tom considered it a reasonable volume and I considered it almost a reasonable volume. He’s probably right when he says I’d have slept through the whole thing and their company too, but I know this is when they’re gonna lose it. I figured they would sooner or later, but I’ll bet they’re gonna use Tom’s hammering as the perfect excuse to blast off at least twice a day. Tom says it was only cuz it was a holiday, but I doubt this. He also says that if they wanted to do it out of spite, they’d have never turned it down the time they did and that it’s just a matter of if they remember to turn it down. Yeah, kids do tend to have a very short-term memory. He says it’s still 50/50 as to what’s gonna happen with them in a week or two or a month. Well, I know the answer to that, but Tom says he’ll take care of whatever he has to. Good, cuz if he doesn’t, I will, but I do know I can trust him to do so.

He did something weird this morning that he’s never done that I know of before (the dude next door). He left at around 8:30 and I could hear some bass, but it was reasonable and when he came back I never heard him. The only way I knew he was back was cuz I went to stick my mail out. I’d assume that he’s gonna leave again for work any time now, so we’ll see. For the most part, though, it’s been like the garage door or a big airplane. I hear them when I’m up, but they don’t wake me up. That’s also how it usually is with Tom’s snoring.

I just hope to hell they don’t get any louder and that for the most part, I don’t know when they’re home or not, but I know that’s wishful thinking. God’s not gonna let me go so long in peace. It’s time now. It’s time for God to sic the noise on me and who knows how many times it’ll be so loud that I get woken up?

A part of me wishes they’d move. I don’t want them to cuz they’re not home most of the time and I do want them to cuz of the bass. Hell, I’d take kids and dogs over that bass, cuz the fan can drown them out and they can’t wake me up. Well, I’m sure they will move soon enough. Especially if they’re renting. Also, there’s something about that house that keeps it turning over. This is family number 3 to be there since we got here, so I’m sure we’ve got at least 5 more to go through before we’re out of here.

I’m sure most of us have lots of questions about the future we’d like answered for our peace of mind. Or to prevent or deal with a future bad thing in a better way, but if there are only two things I could ask right now it’d be to know the date of the day we do move and when I’ll get pregnant if I ever do. Will we really move before the turn of the century? Will we really have a kid in 1997? Of course, I could go on and on from there. Will I ever quit smoking? Will I have the baby by C-section if I do have one? Will I ever get on a schedule and if we have a kid, will I ever sleep a full 8 hours again and how often will I be able to do so? Will I really be a good mom and be able to handle it? Will a child strain our marriage?

God, we better be compensated with something good to come! Like I said, we’ve paid our dues. If I’m not gonna be able to sleep and if I’m gonna have to listen to noise, can’t it be my own child’s? I’m tired of having to not sleep for others. I’m tired of listening to other people’s noise.

I ended up being up 21 hours yesterday and didn’t fall asleep till around 8:30, cuz the freeloaders had me so damn nervous. I envy Andy since he has no driveway right outside his bedroom window. He has other noise to deal with, though. He said he hears a baby across the street crying, there are barking dogs there too, and street noise, since he lives on the corner of a main drag.

What am I gonna do? Tom says I have nothing to worry about, but I know better. You think God’s gonna allow them to keep the music down and that they’re not gonna say, what the fuck? I don’t think so. Besides, even if God and them did keep their music down, there’d be something else.

If God has any fairness at all in him, he’d let us have a kid. We’ve been through enough and we deserve it. The problem is that God doesn’t give to those who try and to those who earn and deserve things. It’s just the opposite. If he does reward or compensate deserving people, it’s usually with something nice, but not necessarily something they really, really want. I wish Nervous or Tom’s dad could go to God and say, “Give them a break! Have things be stable and peaceful around their house and keep them financially OK and just let them have the kid they want and deserve,” but again, it doesn’t work that way. I haven’t prayed to God in ages, either, cuz I know that’d make things worse. I’m only saying this out of past experience, too.

Later…

As far as I know, the guy next door is still there - nope - wait a minute - yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God! The guy next door just left very, very very quietly!

Tom says he thinks she doesn’t work, but I think she’s got to or else I’d think I’d hear her or her kid or music coming from the house. Also, Mike did say, when we met, that they needed a babysitter. I doubt she could hear my music if she was there, cuz Tom and I tested the other one up full blast and even though it was softer, he was sure they couldn’t hear it. So, even if this one’s louder, it won’t be louder than theirs, it’s not outdoors and I’m gonna go test it right now, anyway, no matter what.

Later…

I love it! The new stereo is great. I can hear my softest stuff really well. I hope no one was over there to hear it, but if they were, tough shit.

I’m trying to decide whether or not to do any cleaning since he’s still got work to do around here. I guess I will. There’s no use in letting it build up.

Later…

I’ve got a good update on next door (hopefully), but first I want to copy in the letter I received from my parents and this time, I’ll correct their spelling and punctuation.

Dear Jodi,

All is well with Dad and I. We are coming to the end of our hot summer and looking forward to a busy season at the store. We are also on guard during the hurricane season. We stock up on extra water, candles, batteries, etc. Heidi at 16, Max at 11 and Chicken at 5 are all doing well.

We received a very nice note from Tom’s mom. It’s nice that you help her.

We enjoyed the visit with Tammy, Bill and the girls. They are growing into lovely young ladies. They all swim like fish.

Just got through watching the weather report over Phoenix. Guess you had a lot of hail, lightning and rain. Through the summer we get afternoon storms that sometimes can get quite severe.

Hope Tom is happy with his work.

Now it’s time to answer your letter and clarify my feelings. This will be the only time I will do this. There will be no further discussion either by mail or phone.

I will no longer read by mail or listen by phone to the following from you: weight, hair, singing, your past, babies, sex, the difference between you and Tammy, dancing full or part-time, revenge, psychic powers, able to beat up anyone.

As your mother these are my terms. Remember I said no further discussion, this letter is final. Now the rest is up to you. There are hundreds of subjects to write or talk about. Should you care to phone on a monthly basis, do so with Tom, we would enjoy speaking to him too. Remember - I do love you Mom

Then Dad wrote:

Dear Jodi,

Mom’s letter speaks for me too. It’s time to grow up and live the future. Let’s enjoy what’s ahead, not what’s behind.

Love, Dad

Sex? Sex?! What is she - delusional? I never have and never would discuss sex with my parents. Certainly not as an adult. There’s no way in hell I’d feel comfortable doing that. The only people I’ve ever discussed it with are Andy, Kim and Tammy.

I think I know what happened. That fucking sister of mine, who’s got a mouth as big as Mom and Dad’s, told them of our past sex life and she included sex for Tammy. I’ll ask Tammy about it tomorrow, but who knows if she’d admit to discussing it with them if she did. If she says she did, I’m gonna tell her flat out she betrayed me, the trust is gone and so am I. I’m so sick of these lying, exaggerating, controlling, selfish, jealous parents and sister of mine! I swear I’m getting closer and closer to just up and walking away. I’m not gonna associate with someone on their terms and their terms only. Tom suggested that since I can’t be myself or talk about my interests or what’s going on in my life, why not have a relationship on a courtesy level and just send cards for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I don’t know about that. I’ve had all I can and will take of these people.

When she mentions the “able to beat someone up part,” she’s probably talking about the time I mentioned that in Marty’s letter, but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

If I’ve ever mentioned the “difference between Tammy and I,” it was only a couple of times in reference to my desire to be treated equally to her and Larry.

I don’t know why the dancing’s a big deal, either, cuz it never was “in the past,” but I’m surprised she left out the birds, pig, and the drawing on her little Do Not Discuss list. It’s my guess that she forgot to include the drawing.

I’ve just had it with these be-what-I-want-you-to-be people. I’m sick of all these conditions. And dad tells me it’s time to “grow up?” What have I said that’s so immature? Is it immature to sing, to want a child?

Parents are supposed to be sympathetic to any sterile child of theirs, but we all know how much she hates kids, anyway. Parents are supposed to listen to, enjoy something that makes their kid happy and encourage it. Not demand they shut up about it just cuz they may not like it, not care about it or cuz they’re jealous.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1996 It sure seems like the summer went by fast. Another month or so and we’ll be able to see just how chaotic it’ll get next door. They’ve still been quiet, so I think they’re gonna move soon.

I have lots to tell and it’s basically good stuff. As I knew I would, I did end up getting a full period. Tom still says, though, that my body had to go through “the change” and that my body can hook a baby now. He says that I’ll “get hooked” this month and that I should have no period in October. He said he’s so sure of it that if I have a period in October, I can let him have it and rub in his face just what I think of God and how Robin’s a liar. I don’t know, though. He’s only cum twice since he began cumming in early July with a few small orgasms too, and we don’t get to have sex that much. So, who knows if we’ll even be able to have sex enough or if he’ll cum enough. I still worry at times, that he’ll go back to not cumming at all.

He says he really does believe that a child is a gift from God and that we’ll get our gift, but I still can’t imagine God ever blessing us with such a gift. Like I’ve said before, if he can bless murderers with such a gift, why should he give people like us such a gift? I asked him if he thought God would write off my existence if I asked him to and he said no cuz it’s his job to take care of the world. Well, then why isn’t he doing so? Why are there so many natural disasters and crimes? And so much unfairness? How can he say he’s taking care of the world by allowing 12-year-olds to get pregnant? Teen pregnancies, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, wars, rapes, murders - that’s taking care of the world?

I wish I could speed up time and have it be next month or the month after that to see what’ll be going on. Or at least take a peek a couple of months up the road, but I can’t. All I can do is wait. Sometimes it’s like two voices are at a tug of war with each other in my mind. One says, “Maybe there’s hope. Maybe he’ll keep cumming and maybe this two-week weird and very different ordeal is a sign of a good change to come.” The other voice says, “Don’t do it. Don’t be a sucker and a stupid silly fool again. You know you won’t have a kid and that things will be the same year after year. Don’t hope and don’t dare to dream.”

Anyway, I think we’ve well paid our dues and do deserve a child. We’re now financially caught up and with his dad dying and with my life being the same and so empty and hopeless feeling for so long, we should get a kid as compensation, but I know God doesn’t work that way. Yes, he compensates us and I’m a firm believer in compensation due to personal experience, but he doesn’t compensate me with what I consider to be the ultimate dream which I’ve dreamt beforehand. Tom is first best, but his case doesn’t count, cuz he’s not something I dreamt of having. He happened, he’s first best, and I’d never want to live without him.

My second-best dreams were to quit smoking and get on a schedule, but when I say the ultimate dreams I’ve had, I’m talking about the singing career, the woman and the kid. I’ve no regrets about him taking the singing career since I don’t care for the lifestyle that goes with that. Also, I’ve no regrets about him taking the woman. I may find women attractive here and there, but I’m attracted to Tom more than enough and he’s got the qualities as a person that I’ve always wanted when it comes to relationships. God did give me my dream of Arizona, but if he took two, he should give two. He took the singing and the woman, so if I’ve got Arizona, can’t I have the kid too, which makes two? It seems like that should be fair enough with God cuz for every 10 things I’ve wanted, big or small, I’m lucky if I got one of them and I think it’s usually 4 or 5 things out of 10 for most people that they get. Then there are some people like Gloria who get it all.

I didn’t get caught up on my sleep till tonight. Tom’s snoring woke me up last night and I haven’t done anything like send the kind of letter I did to Marty, so I hope that my losing sleep for a while there and the 2-week long period really is compensation for a good thing to come.

I may have already got what God considers a just compensation, though, last night. I got up at 12:30 and Tom was up. I had cramps, took an Ibuprofen and he said he had a present for me that might make me feel better. Oh, it did all right! Tom traded in that other JVC stereo for a Samsung that is so much more powerful and so much nicer! Oh, it’s so nice to be able to hear old albums of Linda’s from 1967 really well without having to turn it all the way up. The other one was a stupid mistake on my part as it was just so wimpy. I’d have Linda’s old CDs cranked to the max, sit right by the speakers and still not hear it too well. I also didn’t like how the CD was so slow and how you had 3 separate drawers to put the CDs in where you’d have to check each drawer to remember and see what was in each one. This one’s a carousel so I can see all 3 CDs at once. The CD scanner is faster, and it’s got a lighted control panel so I can see the CD track number and the timing of the song. If the first 20 seconds of a song is boring, I can skip over it by hitting the scan button and releasing it as it hits the number 20. If I needed to tape CDs for someone, I could see how long each song was so I could fit it on the tape better without running out of room.

It’s got dual-cassette and they don’t scan by allowing me to hit play and fast forward at the same time or play and rewind at the same time, but it’s got optional high-speed dubbing. I would’ve loved to have had that when I was really into taping. It’s good to have, though.

It also has a clock, a timer, pre-set radio stations, Program, Intro scan, and a remote. We didn’t get the remote, though, cuz Tom got the model, which was missing the remote, but that’s OK. I can’t see myself using a remote since I always sit right by it and I can always use the program thing to program out the songs I don’t like. That’s what I used to do before when I’d be in there writing. That way I didn’t have to keep jumping up to skip over shitty songs.

I’m just so glad to have a stereo with functions I like and with power and volume. Now I can not only play all the CDs that were problematic on the old box, but I can hear all the older and softer stuff just fine.

Tammy and I were teasing each other about who’s got the better stereo and it was nice to have her sounding like my sister again and not my mother, I told her. I also told her I was glad Mom and Dad opted not to call cuz I just don’t want to get caught up in any 3-way shit and deal with the “she said, he said, you said” bullshit.

Last night there was a big storm and luckily it held off till right after I woke up and didn’t knock the power out, but I’m gonna go outside and check things out. My birds should be up now, too.

Later…

Everything looks stable outside and I just fed the birds.

Tom said to wake him up at 8:00 if he isn’t up by then.

Yesterday morning, as tired as we both were, we took Mom’s car for a test drive, since it had been having problems. It didn’t seem like we went just over 80 miles so fast, but we did. We were gone almost two hours, but it felt like we were gone for only an hour cuz once you get out of the city, you can speed up to 75 MPH.

We went out to the open and remote areas of the desert which is supposed to be what most of Arizona is like. We went to a place called New River and Black Canyon City. There were only a few tiny towns along the way, but they weren’t even a mile long. You could drive past them in two minutes. There was a prison out there too, for the worst of offenders, so they could be far enough away from civilization. It was so beautiful with lots of Saguaro and Prickly Pear cactuses.

Bob should’ve gotten Kim’s letter all worried about me and my disappearance and tomorrow, there’ll be mail service again, and I’ll send him a letter as if nothing ever happened and see what he has to say. He’s either been having a shortage of stamps or just not up to writing as I don’t hear from him too often. That’s OK with me, though, as his letters are boring.

Yesterday Tom mowed and did a small grocery run.

I weighed 104 yesterday, so I’m on a little diet. I’m 102 now and I’d like to get down to about 95.

Today he and David are gonna go pick up the wood for the new patio roof and who knows what else we’ll do? Hopefully, we’ll have sex. Right now, though, I’m gonna go get the laundry started.

Later…

Tom’s up now eating his breakfast.

I wonder if next door will have to work today or if they’ll be having a Labor Day party. I just hope to hell that they continue to be quiet and that if God wants me woken up here and there, it’s not due to anything outside of this household.

It’s slightly cool out there now, but it’ll get hot in a matter of hours.

I found a nice little goody in the outside storage closet. A big piece of an old pool cover and since we have no lounges, it’s nice to lay on and cuz it’s plastic, bird duties, and grass wash off it easily and the grass doesn’t go through it and stick me, and neither does the duties.

[the-firebird69]

Panic! At The Disco - High Hopes (Official Video)

There's a few things that indicate this is about the time. When we start to build things out there. No they're not building things or making stuff I'm just sitting there it's very odd and they're kind of the bosses and stuff is real slow and it's bja versus Trump we see some things working they have to make little cities and they have to make stuff work but they're lazy and their farts and they're trying to get ahead by making stuff faster housing and temporary stuff faster and weaponry and it's a nightmare they can make all sorts of things they say we don't need cover some of them are saying we need a fast car and a fly car at that and they want to test this one so I have to make it out of metal and we would be in trouble if things went the wrong way that's one way to make sure they don't and we would be taking orders and we're not going to say you can't do the Tommy or you can't send to Tommy A or Trump or others it's going to be across the board we know who they're going to be fighting and in part it's a pseudo empire but they're going to get in trouble with Max eventually they need the foreigners. Out these they won't figure it out no they will figure it out but with these it's easier so we can make a new hole and things like that but with the Corvette you can turn it into a flycar they know how to do it. And we can make the hull out of metal and pretty decent metal saying that it won't dent in stuff so we can get a reputation unlike cheap fiberglass which breaks in their upset. Now these cars are that we'd be using as a platform are really dogs they're slow they don't look that great as a matter of fact the Camaro is heinous so we're going to put one up.

It's almost a cool car no it came out kinda lame but the firebird is worse it looks stupid he says no this will look stupid they both are we're gonna show you when he tried to rescue it with that worked a little. People  You **** Tommyommy f You **** Tommy. F was very interested.

These both are the Iraq is not true it is the one above and the one below is just as E28 and really shouldn't be looks like a piece of dung it's really awful and it turned into some sort of 70s throwback and it was horrible so our son tried to rescue it because he saw it around and said boy that's awful. These guys did it on their own named into a freaking hatchback and they lost tons of customers and he didn't do it on purpose they suck this is a good year though they made this car from 1982 in proverbially all the way to about 2003 and several different formats but they all kind of are the same and the wheelbase is only off about one inch and we can make two kids it's not really a big huge effort and you'd have to have a new interior the whole thing i'm making it simple and clips to the roll cage it's really it's tough to do for people and we'll put as much of it into the shell as we can the dashboard has to come out and the whole thing and the and the gages what you do is you just coil it up and you label what it is while you're taking it why you're taking it apart you take one wire you see what it goes to and you unplug it and you call it and you put the label on and you put clear tape over the label and over and around the wire. A lot of people do a diagram and put the color and wires just in case so this is how it goes this thing is really a clunker back in 1985 roughly they had Irock Z Motor it was like 300 horsepower it did pretty good and the Z28 had about 280 horsepower and if you use the cena body you change the top Use the cena body and you change the front end and exhaust it would be about 380 horsepower and the other one would be about 350 horsepower but top speed would be about 800 miles an hour and nobody would complain. Our son at all. Too fast everybody would say Too fast everybody would say it's too fast. He says this is the spirit of the Bradley GT one and it really is it's America turned into like this hell raising country and people didn't like Americans and BJA put a song together as the space odyssey singer and really it came together pretty good but people didn't like what it looked like it looked kind of ugly. And the hash back was nasty it used to break all the time they go partying and things would break the window. But seriously the newer car around 1995 was about 500 horsepower and that'll lend you about 1400 mph and we'll sell the kit it's up to you to put the limiter in and we'll include it and you have to have it in for it to pass inspection at the registry or they won't let you it can't go that fast and the limiter is for about 600 and they never really check it but they check if it's there. That is so damn fast he says none of you are gonna survive this car it's so darn fast it's a good idea. So we would make a metal a lot of kits are metal and they're making the Ford GT several other really fast cars. We're gonna go ahead and start doing this and it says we have to do fiberglass at first and we're the ones who are gonna be doing it too because he's gonna make us because we're not hiring our people as much as we should and we're treated we're treating it .... and we're treated we're treating it .... and we're treated we're treating it like it's the worst thing when it's the only thing we should be doing and he's actually right we are kind of avoiding it. And it's not helping us

They're going to redesign it and we're going to help so I guess we're going to have a big design need it's Sunday it's not slow but he wants to do it in the field and we have a place it's an office in LA and this is a great moment he says and we we're actually we said that first and he didn't say it I understand now what he's saying we're going to do it and we're going to make it work. There might be several offshoots and we actually want that but the way he's talking about doing it is that we're just having all these other people do it and we're gonna have parts supply place that just takes a crate and puts it all in a crate and we're not doing any assembly and it's other people were gonna hire to do it and he just thought of it off the seat of his pants cause everyone's bothering him about this they can't get it going he wants to get it going before she gets the Johnny Pag and she can do he wants to get it going before she gets the Johnny Pag and she can do the same idea have somebody make the frame several places and have a paint shop and we don't need the paint shop he says for a lot of them but someone will have the custom on it she smiles and says this is great finally. He can make a lot of money doing this and people don't want to because they have this big plan. Going on this and tonight's the design meeting so he wants to see how it goes and we want to stick to the scenic core as much as we can. The two tone is nice we can use any color it's not a color recently that was really awesome and two colors and she likes this fiery red one that that's another one and we can make it stock and yeah we gotta change the windshield and we do have the specs we have to stretch it out and make it fit the chassis and we'll start with a later model of these things because the early ones might not even be around there's tons of them though the firebirds and Camaro around 1997 there's to 2002 or 2003 tons of them we more than people think and the city people's garages waiting for the day and the day has come he says in the arid we can include a fab room it's just like a tent and we know how to make the roof on the tent and it's a different material and the size would be a different material it's just to cover it from your neighbors. We're gonna go ahead and do this it's an awesome idea it's a basic idea but really this is so fun and he wants us to do it this way that it is a great idea. I gotta tell you this is it's gonna work.

frank Castle hard castle

Olympus and Mihara in your friend it's me Harrah harrah

[rianafying]

i’ve had and am continuing to have a pretty bad day. not awful. but just demotivated, down, depressed. anxious, disinterested, lazy, discouraged, scared, upset, heartbroken, etc. i don’t feel good about anything today. i’m just anxious and on edge. nothing’s wrong rlly. but things will be wrong if i don’t get my shit together in time for the next round of busy days. i’ve been taking my meds. i’ve been applying my body meds too, sort of. i’ve been cleaning, a lot more than usual. but i feel like i’m just bad at everything. i feel ugly. i feel fat. i feel tired all the time. i’m tired of the bullying. i’m tired of being betrayed by friends or lovers. i’m still traumatised from the events that conspired in 2019. i hope that one day my life will not be actively plagued with ptsd and trust issues. i think i’m turning into a bit of a loner and i honestly don’t mind. i really enjoy being home and watching Netflix so much more than going out. I feel like i’ve changed a lot in the past few years. idk if it’s for better or for worse, but i’m changing, like everyone does. i hope that the sad and anxious feelings end with today, and i hope i have a vibrant and fresh day tomorrow, and that i wake up with energy and optimism. i’m asking for energy. i’m asking for patience to get through the sad times. i’m asking Allah. as cheesy and corny as that is. I don’t identify as a religious person, but i think that’s because i don’t want to be summed up with people who identify as religious and do and say things i don’t rlly like. i’m spiritual, i’m connected and i have my faith. that’s about it rlly. i think that if all the labels and stereotypes were removed, i would identify with the term religious. anyway, enough about that. i’m doing a lot better after this word vomit entry. still not good but definitely less anxious than when i started, after having posted some disturbing self deprecating close friends stories. real bad vibes there. but good vibes here. i hope that my worries get tired of haunting me soon. i hope that i do all the things i have to do in time. i hope that important tasks don’t slip my mind. i hope i don’t waste too much money. i hope i can continue to exist both happily and miserably at the same time. maybe more happy less misery.

a problem is that i can’t see my progress. visually. it’s been happening over years and years. that tiktok where they mention a short term goal or struggle and then it cuts to a picture from their childhood with text that says they can’t believe they even made it that far. and honestly that applies to me so much, like the fact that i’m studying fashion design,??? in melbourne???? insane. truly. unbelievable. i’ve come so far, and i often forget that. we all often overlook all our wins and all the hurdles we’ve overcome to get to where we are. the most important thing is to have faith in yourself. i can say that i have faith in myself and where i’m headed. and sure there’s gonna be bumps on the road but i’ve made it through a billion bumps already, i can take on a couple more. i used to be scared of the idea of going through the journey of life by myself, but now i’m very very comfortable with it. i’m amazing company. yeah. okay. enough journaling for today. time for my 9th nap of the day. don’t ask me .,,,….

[gingerbread-castle]

so @simp4bwayladies and i were talking and we came up with....:

wlw waitress

this would include

every canon couple is wlw now

except earl. he’s still earl, and he’s still horrible, and we still hate him with our entire souls

anyway! casting ideas:

philippa soo as dr. pomatter. imagine you matter to me!! imagine it!!! it would be so beautiful i would simply pass away

helena bonham carter (not a stage actress to my knowledge, correct me if i’m wrong, but still) as cal. yes this is very different from her usual roles but she’d still be great at it!! she has the ✨vibes✨

ashley park as ogie. ok this seems super random but again, i think she’d be amazing ♥️♥️♥️ we also thought of genesis lynea or aimie atkinson

we also added an au note where joe doesn’t die but earl does

feel free to add on!!

[mylordshesacactus]

This got long so it’s become its own post.

I explained this to my seven-year-old cousin once when she expressed distaste over anyone possibly enjoying horror movies, and she understood perfectly, so adults have no excuse: 

People read dark fiction for the same reason they ride roller coasters. 

It’s a simulation of danger without anyone actually being under threat. It gets the brain worked up, releases a bunch of adrenaline into your system, you experience a whole rush of emotions and excitement and fear; but a safe kind of fear, where you know the danger isn’t real and there are dozens of measures in place to protect you. And then it’s over and you can get off the ride.

That doesn’t mean everyone is obligated to ride roller coasters. I, for example, am scared of heights, and most coasters are scary for me in a way that isn’t fun. The fear isn’t that I’ll die, the fear is of experiencing more of the ride and thus it’s not a safe fear, because it’s real and I have no control over it. As such, I don’t ride large roller coasters. But the fact that large coasters are not mentally or emotionally safe for me to ride doesn’t mean they should be illegal, or that there’s “something wrong” with anyone who enjoys them.

Similarly, sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes people have conditions they don’t know about until a coaster aggravates them in the worst possible way because they didn’t know to avoid it...and that’s no one’s fault. People have died or been injured in coaster accidents, and those accidents are pretty much always the result of human error, carelessness, laziness, or poor communication. It’s the responsibility of the amusement park to make sure that basic safety features are built-in and maintained--or at the very least (mangling the metaphor somewhat because this would obviously be illegal in real life) to make it clear that those features don’t exist! I feel like most people would avoid a ride clearly labelled “HAS NEVER HAD A SAFETY INSPECTION! NO RESTRAINT BARS! RIDE STAFF HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED AND THERE ARE NO EMERGENCY SERVICES ON-SITE! OPEN FLAMES!” but if you click on a fic clearly labelled “author chose not to use warnings” you know the risks and they’ve met their obligation to warn you of them. And sometimes the people providing this content don’t perform that basic due diligence, and people get hurt as a result--but that’s on those specific bad actors, and doesn’t mean we ban all roller coasters. It also doesn’t mean every single ride operator on earth should be tarred with that brush, especially when they’ve openly spoken out against such practices! Furthermore, if you KNOW you have a heart condition and willingly get on a ride that says it is not safe for people with heart conditions, you cannot then blame the amusement park!

What makes roller coasters safe for me? Well, for one, the fact that I’m an adult now so my family has finally stopped trying to force me onto them. Pressure was a constant part of interacting with coasters for me for YEARS, and THAT fucked me up. There was “mild” teasing, frustration when I refused, anger if I changed my mind, and a lot of guilt-tripping about how it was my fault that they couldn’t go on the rides they wanted to because of me. That shit was not okay, and anyone trying to force someone to engage with content they don’t want to is obviously in the wrong.

The OTHER thing that helps me is content warnings the heroes who upload on-ride video of coasters I’m interested in trying. Knowing exactly what to expect--being able to see for myself all the drops so I can judge if they’ll be too much for me, and know in advance where they are so I can brace myself--can turn a ride that otherwise would have been a miserable and stressful experience that I chose not to subject myself to into a really good time. These are especially valuable, because what’s safe for ME is not automatically safe for everyone else. The only thing that makes a ride too much for me--my only hard limit--is extremely tall drops. I love inversions, fast twists and turns, I don’t mind rough coasters, it’s just drop height. But I’ve known people with medical conditions that made rough jolts dangerous, and plenty of people like tall drops but find tight turns and high speed overwhelming. Do I wish more coasters were designed to have the elements I enjoy without the ones I don’t? Yes, and not being able to find many frustrates me. But that doesn’t mean I expect everyone to have the same limits, or that I think people who design tall coasters with big drops and lots of airtime are malicious.

By this logic, actually, darkfic is much safer than roller coasters--once you’ve committed to a coaster you have to ride it out even if you change your mind. But the moment a dark fic or horror movie takes a turn you don’t like or becomes suddenly too real, you can turn it off and walk away.

And if you think enjoying roller coasters means someone will conclude that it’s okay to fling people off cliffs without their consent, then, well, in that case you’re just ungodly fucking stupid. Sorry you had to find out this way.

Have fun on those hypercoasters, you crazy bastards. Keep uploading ride videos for me.

[newronantic]

BYLER FICS PART 2

usually i read tons of fics, make a masterlist, then maybe add a few more as the hyperfixation fades out. that clearly did not happen this time. i had 12 pages of ao3 history to sort through for this. enjoy part 2!

EVERY SINGLE WORK BY BYLIEVER

Byler are married with kids! There’s lots of flashbacks to them as kids, them dealing with trauma, and them being incredible parents. They have 12 works and i’m too lazy to tag all of them but i’m obsessed with every single one

Byler in College by orphan_account

An account of Mike and Will's first year of college, recounting their experiences, the changes in their lives, and how their relationship grows and develops over the year.

Shrike by StepfordSnarker

It's the late '80s, and Will is coping with the loneliness of having left the Party behind. Somehow, through it all, he still has feelings for his childhood best friend, Mike, though he's growing to regret that fact more with each passing day.

It's the early '90s, and Mike is coming to understand that there are some people worth losing your false sense of self for. But now that Mike and Will have parted ways, this realization may have come too late.

Mike Wheeler is Doing Just Fine by AtomosphericNonsense

Mike Wheeler is doing just fine. No. Really. He’s okay. He’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with him. Nothing to see here, just mind your own fucking business. 

(AKA: local stressed and queer teen has a mental breakdown, yells at a lake, and then has several more breakdowns.)

Where It All Makes Sense by jancies

It had been three years. Three years since Vecna. Three years since California. Three years since Will almost admitted his true feelings for Mike. He just wished there could’ve been a moment. A moment where it all made sense.

baby, we’re perfect by bookinit

Senior year in Hawkins. Will and Mike figure some things out.

you rearrange me ‘til i’m sane by miketozier (smallcuts)

Will has never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend) before. There may or may not be one person behind the reason why.

anything, anything by inblue

Five years after the Byers family leaves Hawkins, Mike and Will rediscover each other within a small apartment in New York.

i’d make a deal with god by smoosnoom (moonsooms)

Will finally rips off the band-aid. Mike won't let him.

just a secret under lock and key until then by willow_lark

Mike Wheeler's birthday is tomorrow. December 20th. The day he, like all people on their sixteenth birthday, will swap places with and discover his soulmate. He and El have been planning the logistics for weeks, and it's kind of getting on Will's nerves.

Will, for one, really doesn't want to see Mike tomorrow, especially not when they haven't spoken in years and Will's still bitter about the breakdown of their friendship. He doesn't want to think about Mike Wheeler. Or his feelings for him. And, despite what he may want, he's pretty sure that he's not ever going to have a soulmate anyway.

That's four things that Will holds as firm convictions. Only one of them will actually end up true.

He doesn't actually need to see Mike Wheeler in order to have to deal with him.

real sweet but i wish you were sober by ew_spaghetti0310

3 times mike drunkenly tells will he loves him + one time he was sober

you are so gorgeous (it makes me so mad) by andiwriteordie

It's sophomore year of college, and Max's best friend, Mike Wheeler, has just met the guy of his dreams. The only problem? Mike's mystery crush just so happens to be dating the guy of Max's dreams.

Static Re-Connection by IllogicalFallacy

A miles-apart, oblivious mutual pining, emotional summer vacation disaster-fest starring Mike, Will, and one incredibly unreliable radio connection.

kiss it better by beansie

Mike and Will, through the years and in between the lines of friendship and something more.

What do you do now, Will the Wise? by RainbowNixie

The party is playing D&D together and Mike, as the dungeon master, won’t stop trying to make the Paladin and the Cleric flirt. He’s basically making moves on Will through the game. Will is caught off guard by this, and doesn’t know how to respond to the following question:

What do you do now, Will the Wise?

Everything comes down to a simple roll of dice.

the boyfriend problem by RomeoWrites

Ted Wheeler thinks Mike has been dating Will since they were twelve-years-old. And Mike doesn’t know quite what to do with that information. Until he does.

chiron in gemini by babydraygen

Christmas, 1986.

More than half the town of Hawkins evacuated when the first earthquake hit in the spring. For those that stayed, life is carrying on as normal. Or as close to normal as it can get. Sometimes lights flicker, you get used to it.

Then Max Mayfield wakes up from her eight month long coma and it's hard to pretend things are ever going to be the way they used to.

Roll for Strength by midnighteverlark

Mike has been acting weird lately - making excuses, being evasive, smiling to himself when he thinks no one is looking. And the hickeys are the nail in the coffin. Will knows Mike has a new girlfriend that he hasn't told anyone about, and he's determined to dig up clues about this secret lady-love. Not because he's jealous. Will has moved on from Mike - really. He refuses to spend his whole life pining over someone who's never going to want him. He just wants to find out about this mystery girl, to make sure she's right for Mike and she's treating him well.

But when Mike invites his lab partner from biology along to a party, Will is a tad distracted from his mission. Because Emmett is pretty clearly gay.

time after time by bookinit

The fact that Mike is single now isn’t relevant. It can’t be relevant. Another girl will come along, and it won’t be Will because he doesn’t have the right parts. Wasn’t born the right way, the way that Mike would have preferred. It’s fine, except for the fact that it’s not fine at all, except for the fact that it’s so not fine that Will’s life is in imminent danger due to how fucked up he is over it.

But boys don’t cry, according to The Cure, so Will won’t either. He’s trying to take it to heart.

who am i (to ask for more) by bookinit

Five times Will Byers came out, and the one time someone came out to him.

i don’t want you like a best friend by andiwriteordie

Five times Mike Wheeler tells someone else about the feelings he has for his best friend, plus one time he actually tells his best friend.

[peachycoreroo]

what about some haikyuu boys trying to explain how morning erection works to their s/o? if you could include Kuroo, Sugawara, Oikawa and Satori I'd be more than grateful 🥺

characters: kuroo tetsurou, sugawara koushi, oikawa tooru, tendou satori

genre: smut, a miiiini plot bc i can't control myself

word count: 1.2k

warnings: fem!reader but can be read as gn!reader, also kinda oblivious!reader?, established relationships, the slightest somnophilia (reader is just grinding while oikawa is asleep, he wakes up immediatly tho), handjob, morning wood (obvs), implied sex

authors note: omg this was my first ever request, thank you sm anonnie! i'm so sorry bc i'm pretty sure i got carried away and only kuroo and tendou really fit your request, but i still hope you'll like it<3 this was actually really hard bc i was so anxious about fucking up my first request, i also didn't really know much about morning woods (well now i do heh) and i find tendou kinda hard to write for but i really wanted to make anon happy. i stayed up till 4am for this🧍‍♂️here's a link to my masterlist<3

pt.2: kageyama tobio, haiba lev, hinata shoyo

kuroo tetsurou:

„your dick does what, why now?”

kuroo rolled his eyes. this is the third time he has to repeat himself and you still look at him as if you’ve never heard anything more complicated in your life.

sighing, the tall male leaned back against the headboard of your shared bed, trying to make himself as comfortable as he could, with you finally quenching your curiosity about his morning wood, and said morning wood pressing against his boxers and your sheets.

“one more time, y/n, there’s a number of reasons. first of all, the male body has its peak of testosterone in the morning. basically, the sudden increase of the hormone in the changing stages from being asleep to waking up, can get your guy up.” as he saw you open your mouth to ask a question, he immediately followed with: “yes, even without actually being aroused”, effectively making you shut your mouth again. the fact that he knew exactly what you wanted to ask, made him chuckle. kuroo knew you like the back of his hand.

“another one is that my body is aware of what’s going on, even when i’m asleep. if your ass grazes my dick, it’s gonna react.” grinning proudly, you sat yourself in his lap, wrapping your arms around his broad shoulders.

“mhh, i’m glad you can’t resist me, even in your sleep. so… you want some help with that?”

the dark-haired male decided to play along, putting his large hands on your waist, pulling you closer and leaning in, just to stop a few inches from your lips and murmur: “you know, i could also just need to pee really bad”, making you lean back and stare at him dumbfounded.

as much as he wanted to actually teach you about this topic, kuroo would never pass up an opportunity to tease you.

sugawara koushi:

as suga jerked awake, he immediately became aware of his severe case of a morning wood. not only that, but he could also feel your ass pressed up snugly against it.

once the sleep slowly drained from the man’s eyes, he noticed that it was still dark outside and quickly checked the time to see his alarm clock reflecting the numbers 5:50 a.m. back at him. he knew he had to get up at 6 if he wanted to be an exemplary teacher and get to school earlier to prepare for class, but with the way your ass was pushing against his hard dick, his mind was too clouded by lust to care. he needed you, and he needed you now.

“baby, wake up”, in suga’s husky morning voice was the first thing you heard as you were gently stirred awake. when you cracked your eyes open, the silver-haired man was already kneeling between your legs, cock heavy and leaking against your panties.

yawning, you asked concerned: “kou’? what’s wrong? is everything okay?”

not being able to wait any longer, sugawara slowly started grinding against you through your shorts, making your breath hitch and legs spread wider.

“y-yeah, just a morning wood emergency. i can’t go and teach like that. let me use you quickly, princess”, suga almost whined, pained.

trying to hold in your whimpers to understand what led to this, your eyes jumping from the male’s handsome face to his pretty, hard dick, you wondered: “what’s gotten into you?”

at that, suga scoffed, amused at you wanting to know what led to his erection instead of getting to business right away.

“woke up to your pretty lil’ butt all snuggled up against my dick. you make me hard, even in my sleep y/n”, he rasped impatiently, but still wanting to quench your interest.

despite the fact that this was definitely not the most romantic thing you have heard from sugawara koushi, you couldn’t stop the butterflies erupting at the thought of him craving you this badly, even while asleep.

“c’mere kou’”, you softly murmured, pulling him down for a kiss, ready to help your boyfriend’s morning problem.

oikawa tooru:

tonight, wasn’t your night. you barely got a wink of sleep, while your boyfriend slept like a stone beside you. you knew it wasn’t his fault you couldn’t sleep, but that didn’t stop you from sulking like a spoiled child.

you were tired but also incredibly horny, and as if some gods heard the prayers you didn’t even direct at them, you noticed oikawa’s morning erection standing loud and proud under your shared sheets like every morning.

not wasting a moment, you ripped the sheets off him, straddling his lap and grinding your soaked panties against his erect boxer-clad cock. it’s not the worst feeling oikawa has ever woken up to, in fact it was definitely one of the best. everything’s better than being slapped awake by iwa-chan’s shoe hitting him in the face back in high school.

as the tanned man started to fidget and his calloused hands landed on your hips to guide you along his cock, your curiosity about his daily morning wood got the best of you.

“why are you hard every morning, tooru?”, you asked innocently, while not-so-innocently continuing to tease him with your hips.

“u-uh, something about hormones a-and, oh shit, faster babe”, oikawa needily pleaded, not in the mood to be explaining the scientific reason behind his reoccurring morning problem.

unsatisfied with the answer, you stopped the grinding to frown at him and complained: “but i wanna know more, tooru.”

the brunet looked up at you, groaning but knowing you wouldn’t just let it go. “fuck, okay. how about this: you make me cum, and i answer all your questions about… morning woods, after. deal?”

“…deal.”

tendou satori:

you woke up before tendou, feeling his hard-on press against your naked thigh, making you want to continue the fun you had last night.

luckily, your boyfriend also woke up, though not as happy about his morning wood problem as you.

“’tori… i need you”, you seductively purred, letting your petite hand slide down to his erection, wrapping around it and giving it a few slow, lazy pumps. to your surprise, your usually vocal-in-bed boyfriend didn’t moan, but only tensed at your ministrations.

not thinking much of it, you attached your lips to the base of his throat, sucking and licking while giving his cock a hard tuck, hoping to get a pretty moan out of him.

what you didn’t expect however, was for tendou to jump up and run to your bathroom while squealing like a little schoolgirl. dumbfounded, you froze in the position you were in, leaning towards where your boyfriend was laying just a few seconds ago, with your hand in a half-fist.

after a few minutes, the red-haired man sheepishly re-entered the room, scratching the back of his blushing neck with a matching blush on his face.

“i-i uh…”, at his voice cracking, tendou cleared his throat before continuing: “i’m so sorry sweetheart, i didn’t mean to run off like that.”

finally breaking out of your stiffness, you looked at him, puzzled, before asking: “why did you run off? if you didn’t want to make-out, I would’ve understood a simple no.”

“it’s not that! it’s just… morning wood doesn’t always mean i’m horny, sweetie. sometimes it happens when you desperately need to pee.”

“oh”, you awkwardly remarked, “i didn’t know that ‘tori, i’m so sorry. i just thought…”

chuckling, tendou leaned down, kissing your forehead and reassuring you: “don’t worry angel, you never stop learning.”