#in this terribly unfair world he has to suffer MORE

[thegoldencontracts]

Hi

What do you think about Self aware!Housewardens and what are your Headcanons for them HSBSJJAJAJAHA idk I've been into ddlc recently.

FELLOW DDLC + TWST FAN SPOTTED I MUST RAMBLE

I'm going to make more specific fics with this later because who doesn't like self-aware AUs? Probably someone but that someone is not me

Ignorance is Bliss

The housewardens of Night Raven College come to a crippling realization about the truth of their world. They all handle it in different ways.

Riddle, who knows he's in a game, that everyone here is fake. What did he learn all these rules for? What was the point of his suffering? He's just a character to be watched by others for amusement's sake. Was the Queen of Hearts a mere character too? Did any of this have meaning? But then he sees you. You're real, and he's enraptured. What are the rules of your world, the real world where life isn't some story to be played? Though Riddle can't help but envy you, he really does wish to get to know you better.

Leona is hit by the revelation after his overblot. Everything he's gone through was all a part of some game. Just a way to keep players entertained. You're real. You'll never have to deal with the crippling realization that everything you say's a part of some script, that whole life's a game you'll never be able to leave. More than anything, Leona hates the fact that he knows your kindness towards him is all fake, but he still can't help but be captivated.

Azul is envious, just like Leona. He's gone through all of this just for entertainment? His overblot, his family, his world- none of it was real? And you're there, watching his suffering like it's some game for you to play, because that's really all it is. A game. He's a character in a game. But, seeing how real you are, even if your words are conveyed through the black sprite of a self-insert protagonist, how genuine your kindness is - it draws him in. He's meant to be a cold, rational individual, but perhaps he can be a bit softer with you. You won't mock him. You won't leave. And besides, if this really is some odd game, can't Azul get more of your gems with gap Moe?

Kalim is rather accepting of his circumstances. Sure, he's heartbroken to see the truth - that his whole life's a part of some gacha game meant to make some massive corporation called Disney more money, but can he really do anything about it? Besides, Kalim has always been someone who believes in making the best of the terrible hand he's been dealt. He's stayed kind in the face on constant poisoning attempts, and he's kept his heart in a world where there was no one he could trust. And in his attempts to make the best of his situation, he can't help but get closer to you. After all, you're a real person, and you don't gain anything from turning on him. You appreciate his kindness, and even if there's a fourth-wall separating the two of you, Kalim's grateful.

Vil is shaken by the revelation. This is all a game? You're just here to be entertained? But in spite of how worldview-shattering the realization that he's just a game character meant to Garner profit is, he can't help but he oddly comforted. Nothing's wrong with him. Neige 's performance was supposed to be worse than his, and the ordeal at VDC was just as unfair as he thought. Though Vil isn't exactly fine and dandy, he's not quite broken either. And, in the actual fanbase of this game he's in, people like him better than Neige? And you're one of those people? If it turns out you write fanfic or draw fanart of him, he'll be very appreciative.

Idia's shocked. His brother's death, his overblot, all the overblots, they were setups for him to be a character in some non-otome gacha game? It's weird. Idia's all too used to not being in control of his life, though. He just tries to cope in any way he can. He's definitely going to try and learn about his fandom, what type of ships and fanfic and fanart and the like are made about him. He's one of the most likely to try and ask you about the fandom. If you make fancontent for him, he's going to be especially interested. Be warned, though, he will nitpick your characterization of him so hard. At least your stats are better now, I guess?

Malleus is already an isolated individual, and now you're telling him what little connection to others he has is fake? In all honesty, he's definitely the most attached to you out of all the dorm heads. You're the only real friend he'll ever be able to have. The only real friend any of them will ever be able to have. He does find comfort in his massive fanbase, though. You're telling him all these people care for him, and because of the difference in the way time passes in game vs in reality, they won't die in a matter of what feels like seconds for him? As shaken as he is by everything, it really is a comfort.

[thebookwassomuchbetter]

Emo about Dead Boy Detectives because this is the story of two boys who’ve experienced absolutely no justice in the world, so together, they decide to make some.

To start with Edwin-he spent the few short years of his adolescence during a World War killing boys his age, probably feeling ‘different’ and isolated and not knowing why. Then he's dragged out of bed, tied up and gagged, and taken to Hell because of it? It's beyond unfair that he, the bully’s victim, suffers for seventy years because of what they did.

And then he gets out, and he finds another boy killed by bullies–even more brutally; at least his bullies did genuinely think they were only giving him a nasty fright–at the exact same school. Nothing has changed. But he doesn't give up. He goes into business with Charles. Charles, who tried so hard to be good and probably only got beaten harder for it, by the very man who in a just world would have protected him. Charles, who was likely one of very, very few boys at that school who wasn't awful or a bystander, and was rewarded for his bravery and selfessness with an agonising death.

But he's not alone in death. And somehow, that's enough. He learns to smile and be nice and friendly when Edwin can't or won't, he spends years perfecting dangerous magic so he can carry what they need, he gets good with a baseball bat for when charm won't cut it. And Edwin pays attention to everything, reads up on how this new supernatural world works, (tries to) pull Charles back when he goes too far. They balance each other out (brains and brawn, but also, snark and charm, overthinking and impulse). They become what the other person needs, and even this terrible world becomes a bit better when there are two of you against it. Even the school brushing their deaths under the rug only inspires them (especially Edwin, I think, probably because of the horrible irony of ‘act of God’) to not let the same thing happen to other people. Together they give people the justice they didn't get. They make it matter.

[signedeclipse]

Hello, it's me again! 🫣 I loved your headcanons about the blind reader! Especially the ones with Hantengu. 😊

This time I would like to request headcanons for Hantengu, Gyokko and Douma with a reader who has a chronic disease. I know this is a serious subject but it's very close to my heart because I suffer from one. I wondered how the demons would react to a partner who has chronic pain and often feels sick. They feel frustrated with themselves and get angry when they can't do certain things because of their illness. I can imagine that they envy the demons for their strength and health and have thought about becoming a demon themselves. They sometimes push themselves too much because they want to keep up with their demonic partner. But when their illness isn't flaring up, they always want to be as active as possible and be close to their partner.

Thank you in advance! Hope you have a wonderful day! (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)

Douma | Gyokko | Hantengu [X Reader]

In which their s/o is struggling with their chronic pain and tries to push it aside.

Douma

He was always glad that the cold climate you had living with him helped, since for many it was more harmful than helpful

He was familiar with the idea that coolness helped inflammation and helped your body regulate, but he also had to make sure you weren't overdoing it and getting yourself sick

Douma can almost feel your guilt whenever he steps in, so he does his best to remind you in ways that seem less like him telling you

'Can you warm my jacket for me?'

'Could you get the fire started and watch over it until I get back?'

While it may feel good, it makes you more prone to staying out too long and medicine can be hard to get his hands on during certain times

The worst part for him is being so high ranked, because he knows you know of his strength

Will hide it and down play it all the time in hopes you stop thinking about it so often

How impressive could it be if it hurts his favourite human?

Douma would like you to join him in being a demon someday, but he hopes its because you want to be with him as opposed to because you want to escape yourself

Gyokko

His poison art was actually inspired by the fact that he produces a lot of antidotes for some of your more physical ailments to help soothe the feeling

Think aloe vera but so much better

Might even say you can only get it if you hug him so he can produce it where you touch him, but he won't force it if it's really bad and you just want to rest

He has fought in front of you before, so you've seen his regenerative capabilities and the ways he bounces back in seconds, its honestly irritating at times

If only you could sprout a new immune system, or some new joints

Gyokko insists that it's painful and more excruciating than it seems, but he's kind of lying just because he doesn;t want you to feel so inclined to demonise

He makes mini pots for the medicines and salves he learns to make with cork lids so you can use them when you need

Your own personal pharmacist but so so so much better

Hentengu

He's always found himself to be extremely weak and unlucky

But you manage to be so much more unfortunate than him, so he worries for and cries for you more than he does himself

You were so kind to love him, and yet the world cursed you terribly? It's so unfair

Worries that you could die anytime from your ailments even if you tell him that isn't how it works, so he prefers to remain in a range of you to which he can hear your breathing or heart rate

The clones are more than happy to keep you in shape, but Sekido especially keeps you from trying to match them in any way shape or form

"It's ridiculous to expect results like this as a human, we have lived for centuries you haven't."

Whenever you feel light headed or need fresh air Urogi will take you for a little flight, usually by a body of water such as the ocean to enjoy the best air possible

Karaku just jokes that he has enough muscle for the both of you so you'd be greedy to get even more muscular, I mean, leave some for the rest of the clones!

Hates the idea of turning you into a demon but any day if its really bad and you are in enough agony he would do it just to see you smile again

Authors Note - Originally I wasn't planning to do this request because I don't suffer from any chronic pain, but a friend of mine who does decided to beta read so here we are! I hope these can help in some way, wishing you the best <3

[j4gm]

Simon's Inferno; Fionna & Cake and the nine circles of hell

I don't usually do this kind of thing, but I happened to read the first part of the Divine Comedy recently, and after hearing Betty mention wanting to dig to the Devil I've been wondering if there were any deliberate (or accidental) parallels between Dante's Inferno and Fionna & Cake. This is gonna be a self-indulgent exploration of that idea.

If you don't know, Dante's Inferno describes the author's self-insert journey through the different layers of the Christian Hell. Each layer, called a circle, represents a type of sin. It was written in the early 1300s and is where pretty much all modern depictions of Hell originate, including Adventure Time's Nightosphere.

Simon, of course, is the mortal Dante of this story, and the one who makes the journey to the centre of the Earth. Just as we join Dante while he is "lost in the woods" and contemplating sin, we join Simon while he is at a loss about what to do with his life.

Fionna Campbell and the First Circle (Limbo)

The First Circle of Hell is an interesting place, because it is reserved for those who are virtuous and without sin, yet simply didn't know about Christianity. It is full of people who were born too early to have heard of Christ, or born in the "wrong" parts of the world and raised with the "wrong" religion.

Compare this to Fionna's situation. She knows nothing about how the Multiverse works or her world's place within it. She is completely unaware of the illegality of her world's existence, and is innocent in every way, but is still expected to suffer the consequences as if she has sinned.

Inferno is interesting for the fact that it acknowledges how unfair this is. Similarly, we the audience are expected to sympathise with Fionna.

Simon Petrikov and the Second Circle (Lust)

Simon becomes so disillusioned with his world that he mistakenly believes everything will become better if he is able to reunite with Betty again. He is allowing his actions to be swayed on a whim by the mere memory of the woman he loved, and his actions could have dire consequences for those around him.

At a stretch, Choose Goose can perhaps be considered the Minos to whom Simon recounts his sins, although Dante didn't actually end up having to do this.

Cake the Cat and the Third Circle (Gluttony)

Cake is gluttonous in her consumption of everything that Ooo has to offer. Aside from literally overindulging on magic fruit at the market, she is also infatuated with the magical world she has found herself in, and with her new ability to talk.

Simultaneously, we see Prismo being gluttonous in his consumption of Finn and Jake content. He misses Jake, and is addicted to the false relief of watching them play out their past/alternate adventures.

Prismo the Wishmaster and the Fourth Circle (Greed)

The difference between greed and gluttony is sort of narrow, but from what I understand, gluttony represents simple overindulgence, while greed is the more sinister act of hoarding vital resources from others.

Presumably, Wyatt's wish in this episode would have reflected his greedy desire to have Tree Trunks all to himself, and we know he has already done terrible things in pursuit of that desire.

Perhaps Prismo's creation of Fionna World can also be considered an act of greed. The creation of an unauthorised universe is apparently dangerous, but Prismo disregarded this danger. He also disregards the possibility that using Ice King's head as a covert hard drive might be somewhat unethical.

Destiny and the Fifth Circle (Wrath)

Dante depicts two forms of wrath; active wrath, in which the enraged battle above the slimy waters of the River Styx, and passive wrath, in which the sullen sulk beneath its surface. This dichotomy is reflected by Farmworld Finn, who is a passively wrathful agent in a very actively wrathful world. Finn is haunted by past traumas and losses, which have turned him into a person unable to find much joy in the world. Characters like Big Destiny and Peanut, on the other hand, are constantly at the throats of both enemies and allies.

Jay and Little Destiny are both equivalent to Phlegyas, who exists on both sides of the dichotomy and sails the protagonists across the River Styx.

The exit from the Fifth Circle represents a major turning point in Inferno, as Dante and Virgil require the divine intervention of an angel to open the gates of Dis and progress. Simon and our heroes require a similar intervention, which comes in the form of the jewel that lets them reprogram Prismo's remote, opening the gates to the rest of their own journey.

The Winter King and the Sixth Circle (Heresy)

Heresy in a Christian context is the rejection of a core aspect of the Christian faith. This episode shows us a world which rejects a core aspect of what we understand about Adventure Time; that Simon putting on the crown would transform him back into the mad Ice King with no hope of regaining his sanity.

The Winter King himself is the ultimate heretic, because not only does he oppose the doctrine as it is understood, but he knows that the heresy he is spreading is false. He knows that there is no true way to overcome the crown's madness, and he hides from our Simon that he is deflecting it onto Princess Bubblegum.

The Star and the Seventh Circle (Violence)

I mean this one is fairly self-explanatory. The vampire world is the most violent place that our protagonists visit.

Dante divides the sin of violence into several specific parts. One part is violence against neighbours, which is represented in this episode by the conflict between vampires and the rest of the world's inhabitants. Another part is violence against the self, which is reflected by Bonnie and the Star's mutual suicide at the end of the episode.

Violence against God, violence against Nature, and violence against Art are more difficult to pick out among this episode's plot. I mean, Dante himself would probably argue that the gay moments represent sodomy (violence against Nature) but I'm not a homophobe and neither is anyone on the crew.

Jerry and the Eighth Circle (Fraud)

I think this is the only episode for which there is not really a compelling parallel. The Lich was a victim of seduction, since reaching his goal has not brought the satisfaction he expected, but he is not a perpetrator of any kind of fraud. BMO pretends to be Princess Bubblegum I guess.

Slightly more compelling is this episode's b-plot, which features a neglect of duties by Prismo and Orbo that could amount to the fraudulent acts of simony or graft. But this is tenuous.

GOLB's portal, or the entrance to the final circle of Hell, appears within the Lich's resting place which is a giant's coffin. The entrance to the Ninth Circle in Inferno is also flanked by giants.

Casper & Nova and the Ninth Circle (Treachery)

In Inferno, the centre of Hell is the centre of the Earth, and is where Satan resides. Just as Satan inhabits the centre of the Earth, GOLBetty inhabits the centre of Adventure Time's Multiverse, surrounded by asteroids that represent universes, which themselves can be imagined to represent the circles of Hell as I've discussed throughout this post.

Satan's maw is reserved for the greatest traitors in all history, who in Dante's opinion are Brutus and Cassius who led the assassination of Caesar, and Judas who betrayed Christ. The Lich is our Judas. Just as Judas betrayed God by getting His son murdled, the Lich has betrayed God (or "the boss") by seeking to end all life. And just like Judas, he is condemned to an eternity of suffering at Satan's own hands.

The dream sequence at the beginning of Casper & Nova is also a very direct and probably deliberate reference to this circle of Hell. Aside from the three aforementioned traitors, those who commit treachery are frozen in ice in twisted and mangled positions. We see Simon in exactly this situation, when his frozen corpse is stuffed in the freezer. If he had put on the crown he would have been committing a massive act of treachery upon Betty, who sacrificed everything to make sure he would live as himself.

Cheers and the climb to Purgatory

In Inferno, Dante and Virgil begin the climb out of hell with the help of Satan himself. The journey up proves to be much easier than the journey down. The same happens to Simon; he is helped on his way home by GOLBetty, our Satan.

Having journeyed through Hell, our protagonist finds himself back on the familiar surface of Earth, but in a new place. For Dante this new place is Purgatory, where he must come to terms with his own sins. For Simon this new place is psychological but similar; he must reckon with the things he has learned about himself, chiefly his ignorance of Betty's desires and his aimless lust for her company, and move forward to a better place.

Conclusions

I have no education in classical literature and I'm sure all of this comes across as very surface level to someone who's actually studied these things, but I did my best.

Let me know if you've spotted any other parallels, or if you think there's a better way to sync up the various episodes/dimensions with the circles of Hell.

It could be confirmation bias but I think there was at least a little deliberate intent behind some of these parallels. Perhaps I should hold off on reading Purgatorio in case it spoils the potential season two for me...

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Wildest dreams pt. 31

Summary: Learning how to cope with loss and move on is never easy.

Warnings: angst, sexual innuendos, swearing, GRAPHIC depictions of death and blood

Wildest Dreams Masterlist

————————————

The world is bleak. It doesn’t seem so, she knows it is. Everyone around her wants to speed through the grief she’s struggling with, trying to keep her busy with pesky tasks she gives no fuck about. Waking up in the morning makes her nauseous, getting out of bed is a chore she often attempts to skip out on.

Paul doesn’t allow it. It’s nothing he does or says, it’s the look in his eye that makes her heart ache worse than it already does.

The worry in those chocolate brown hues is a gut punch she can’t escape and for some unfathomable reason, she resents him for it. She resents the love he touches her with, the kindness in his words, the way he treats her as if she’s a fragile Christmas ornament when all she wants is for him to grab her, to kiss her hard enough for the numbness to recede and give way to something, anything palpable that would make her feel alive. She wants him to stop time, to make the world stop spinning so fast outside the bay window he built for her – to make it all easier to carry on her shoulders. It’s unfair, she’s painfully aware of how unfair it is, but watching the snow falling where her father bled out is unnerving. The scenery changes forcibly as if she could ever forget the sound of gurgling as he choked on his own blood, unable to breathe no matter how hard she tried to clear his airway…but there was nothing to clear – his throat was ripped in a way she would have failed even if they were in an operating room with a skilled team by her side.

Paul places her favorite tea beside her, pressing a gentle kiss on her left temple as she stares ahead at the trees.

Perhaps something or someone could be staring back at her right now and she’d be none the wiser. It’s the beauty of being human, some would say. Ignorance is bliss. Not if you ask Y/N. The worst part of being human when your loved ones are threatened is the helplessness when faced with danger. No one can make that feeling of uselessness fade.

Is this how Paul felt when he believed she’d meet the fate her father did? He’s a wolf unable to protect his imprint, after all, he must have felt this way. Maybe he still feels it. She’s seen the shame in his eyes, he’s blaming himself for the way it all turned out, but he must be secretly content she’s not the Y/L/N he had to bury. Well, she can’t blame him for it. If her father had the choice in the matter, he’d have chosen it to be him over her and she hates it. Everyone would have made the choice that placed her in this position without any regard for how it would affect her.

She takes comfort in delusions of her mother being there, guiding her father through the afterlife. Part of her always struggled to trust there’s anything after death, but if she cannot imagine it now, she might as well perish. No. There has to be something more. The human soul is comprised of things no science has been able to explain…twenty-one grams no one can account for. It can’t be a coincidence. His soul is with her mother’s and they’re finally together. If there’s anything she’s certain, is that her father suffered terribly after her mother passed, but he showed up for Y/N every minute of every day. Even when she left for so many years, he didn’t move out of the home they made, choosing to see all the pieces of her mother left in every inch of that house. Despite the solace it brought him, Y/N imagines it caused as much torment. Yet, he stayed. It was his wish to die in his home, in their bed with the lingering scent of her mother’s favorite flower that he kept alive for all these years that withered in the first week of his passing. Instead, he got to die in the dirt with the taste of his own blood on his tongue.

Worst part of it all?

They never caught the ones who’ve done it.

Carlisle and Edward went furthest out, following the monster all across several state lines before losing their scent. It was a vampire, they told her. That much they were certain of, but that’s not what she wondered. Y/N knew it was a vampire, she remembered the pale-skinned creature staring at her with burgundy red eyes and a smirk on lips that had her father’s blood dripping from it. It was a short encounter, not nearly enough to be certain she’d pick the thing out of a lineup, but it’s still in the back of her mind, stuck on a loop she can’t seem to pause or erase.

“You need to eat”, Paul sits beside her, a plate in his hands.

Swallowing thickly, she forces herself to glance at the content. Meat and vegetables, she’s not sure what kind of meat but the smell is sickening.

“Please”, his voice is softer than ever before, fear of change he sees in her overwhelming him.

“Why not eat at the table?” Her lips spread in a small smile she could tell he saw through. “Together”, she adds. “I’ve missed it.” Reaching out for his hand, she can feel him shake as her fingertips graze his skin. “I miss us”, she admits quietly.

“I’m right here”, Paul reminds her. “I’m not going anywhere.”

But she isn’t. She hasn’t been there for months. Going to work is the only time she feels herself, with her hands doing something worth the effort. At home, her mind shuts down as her heart’s been long disconnected from feelings. Trying to feel love also brings an onslaught of pain, so she’s decided not to feel at all. Nothing is better than drowning in the restless waters of grief, isn’t it?

The look in Paul’s eyes tells her it’s not. It screams for her to stop being selfish and to feel everything she’s been trying not to or he will lose himself, left on the outside of the ice court her heart built.

“I know”, she looks down at her hand on his, her chest hurting with how foreign the feeling’s become. She forgot how warm he was, how rough his skin felt at the beginning of their relationship. It’s taken her so long to soften his hands, to convince him that using hand cream isn’t going to cause the end of the world. He’s been less than diligent with it now, it’s obvious.

Taking the plate from him, she heads to the kitchen. He’s already set his side of the table. Paul didn’t even consider she might choose to join him for dinner. Why would he? She hasn’t done so for too long.

Rubbing her palm over the exposed skin of her chest, she ignores the stinging the realization brings. She’s been gone, alive but dead and Paul’s fear of losing her has come true. Passing beside her, he quickly pulls out her chair, a hopeful glee in his eye. Her bottom lip quivers as her hands begin to tremble. Gripping the plate tighter, her entire body is shaking. Y/N’s jaw clenches, her eyes focused on Paul.

“Y/N”, he steps closer. “Breathe,” he instructs calmly as his hands touch the plate. Her eyes fill with tears, but she sees him clearly – the confusion and concern swirling in the eyes that once looked at her with inexplicable amounts of adoration and admiration. “I need you to breathe”, he repeats and she manages a faint nod as he takes the plate from her, placing it on the counter.

“I’m going to put my hands around you now,” he warns as he opens his arms for her. “Please, don’t be scared”, he says quietly.

Is that what he thinks this is? That she’s somehow scared of him? That she’s reacting to him?

God, she hopes it’s not what’s going through his head right now.

It’s her, not him. It really is.

The warmth of his arms wrapping around her takes her by surprise and she can’t help but shudder. It’s as if she’s been under ice this entire time, accustomed to winter that rages outside, but now summer’s melting the icicles and sunshine is breaking through the fog and clouds. Closing her eyes, she allows her body to relax, unaware her legs will give out when she does. Lucky for her, Paul’s been prepared, holding her up in an embrace filled with endless compassion and understanding she doesn’t deserve. Paul’s always put her first, and she’s consistently blind to him and his needs. And he needs her. He desperately aches for her to show any inkling of love he prays still exists, but he never once demanded it be given to him. As her legs become stronger, slowly helping Paul keep her upright, her hands rest at his sides, closing around the cotton material his green shirt is comprised of. Soon enough, she’s clutching to him, as if he’s the breath of life she’s been seeking in every corner of this damned world. And he’s more than willing to share it, to fill her lungs with oxygen they’ve been deprived of. As her arms spread out around him and her hands meet just below his shoulder blades, Y/N pulls her head back until her eyes meet his.

“I love you”, she breathes out. “I’m a fucking mess and I don’t know anything other than the way I feel about you. And that’s love. I don’t say it enough.”

“You don’t”, Paul cups her left cheek. “But that’s okay. Sometimes life is shit and there’s not much I can do about it other than be there for you. I hope I’m doing it right, Y/N, because I really have no clue what to say to you most of the time and I’m sorry for that. I wish I could fix it and make it go away, but I can’t-“

“You’re doing better than you think.” Looking around, as much as she can without breaking away from him, she smiles – genuinely this time, perhaps the first time since their almost wedding. “You kept the house clean, you’ve gotten me out of bed every single day and I know that’s not easy.” Pausing, she licks her lips as her eyes close for a moment. “Loving me has not been easy. And it won’t be for a while.” Looking back up at him, she notes the slight wrinkles between his eyebrows as they furrow. “I just want you to know I see it – all of it. And I appreciate you. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Paul insists. “I wish I could do more. I need to do more.”

“Kiss me, then.”

“What?”

Raising her eyebrows, her expression softens. “Kiss me. Like you mean it. Like you did when I first let you be this close to me.”

“I always kiss you like I mean it”, Paul grumbles.

Shaking her head, she frowns lightly. “Every time you kiss me, it feels like you’re afraid to touch me. Paul, I’m not a porcelain doll. You can still throw me up against a wall and kiss me like you’re starving and I’m the last blueberry muffin left! Like you-”

Y/N didn’t get to finish her sentence, finding herself moving to the left and her breath knocked out of her as Paul pushed her against the wall with more ferocity than she expected. She would gasp for breath, but his lips had claimed her faster than she could comprehend. And there it is – the breath of life she’s been asking for. It feels more than a kiss, rather resuscitation. His lips are soft, softer than his words and promises of love, she could be so happily mesmerized by them for all the days heaven grants her. God, he’s warm. He’s so warm and his hands so curious and something is tickling her chin but she can’t focus on anything other than the way his hand grips her left hip. It’s like he’s getting to know her all over again, feeling the way her curves have melted with the way she’s been skipping meals. Does he miss those curves? Does he miss who she used to be?

As Paul’s lips release her, she inhales deeply as he moves down to her jaw. His pine scent floods her senses – it’s intoxicating. The slightest touch or glance used to be enough for her soul to quake and thunder, perhaps it’s why she kept him away for so long. She needed to pause life, to let her weary soul rest before allowing him to set her back on fire. With Paul’s lips on her neck, every fiber of her soul is brought to a state of aliveness, finally capable of feeling lust and passion and love, true love – the kind that lasts through every natural disaster.

Running his hands up her bare arms, he sends a jolt of electricity she needs to jump-start her heart. His kisses rob her of breath, forcing her to consciously have to remind herself to breathe, drowning in his need and desire for her that she can’t help but laugh, startling him.

With his lips parted, he looks at her with confusion, an inkling of fear she ignited with the sudden sound he almost forgot.

“I missed that”, he’s breathless as he speaks and she can’t help but laugh at his disheveled looks. His neat bun is barely contained as her relentless attempts to run her hands through left it looking like a battlefield. It’s gotten so long, and he has a beard? It's the first time he's actually let it grow for more than a few days. She'd estimate it's been a solid three weeks since he shaved if not more – is that what tickled her chin when he first kissed her? She’s barely noticed it, only making her feel guiltier. Pulling at his bun, she lets his hair flow freely, watching as it reaches his shoulders with amazement in her eyes.

“You’re beautiful,” she whispers fearfully. Will he realize how blind she’s been to him? Does he know the depth of it? She hopes he hasn’t felt it, not to the full extent she’s realizing now. Things have to change, she can’t excuse her willful ignorance anymore. Paul deserves better than he received.

With a soft smile, Paul sniffles. “Jared says I look like I’ve forgotten what scissors and razor blades are.”

“Well, Jared might want to run for the hills next time he sees me,” Y/N grumbles, but so does her stomach. She’s genuinely hungry – a first, like many things this evening.

Pecking her cheek, Paul steps away, but his left arm remains wrapped around her. As long as she allows it, he will not let her go unless absolutely necessary. “Your chair, my lady”, he smirks.

“Why, thank you, kind sir.”

They ate dinner, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. It felt almost normal. The next day, they shared breakfast, but the rest of the day Y/N’s mood darkened again. Paul watched her slip away from him once more as the lunch turned cold and when she left for the night shift, he didn’t eat dinner at all.

In the morning, Paul woke up to the sound of her footsteps. He listened as her bag hit the floor, and he certainly heard the shower running as he remained in bed, back turned to the door. Almost asleep on his back, he had to stop himself from jumping out of his skin as she decides to lay on top of him, nuzzling her cold nose in his neck. Even if he needed to get up and relieve himself from the sudden torture his bladder imposed, Paul refused to consider it. She’s here, she’s the one initiating contact, and he will not be the one to end it.

This became their new normal. Some days are better than others, but she makes an active effort to open up and share her mind and body with him, something Paul didn’t push her on. It feels crucial to allow her the freedom to choose for herself when she’s ready and he eagerly waits for every crumb she gives him.

“Her birthday is coming up”, Embry exclaims. “We can’t not celebrate it!”

“I don’t think she’ll be up to it”, Paul frowns.

“We barely see her”, Jacob complains. “I miss her.”

“We all do”, Emily adds. “But if Paul thinks-“

“If we listen to Paul, we’ll never see her again”, Daisy grimaces. “She’s my best friend and I’ve seen her a total of five times in almost three months. Birthday or not, I’m coming over and if she wants to kick me out, so be it!”

“I don’t think we should push her,” Jared states, seemingly the only rational one.

“You’re saying that because you’re ashamed to even look her in the eye,” Jacob points an accusatory finger, “and you know it!”

Lowering his gaze, Jared swallows thickly as silence fills the air.

“That’s not fair”, Sam is the first to speak up. “There were more than enough of us willing to shift so others didn’t have to.”

Snorting in disbelief, Embry raises his eyebrows. “Because that’s what you do when your family is under attack? We don’t cower and hide.”

“That’s enough”, Sam orders.

“Embry’s right. If it were Kim, he’d expect us to help him. Yet he’s not willing to do the same,” Quil crosses his arms. “He watched Y/N cradle her father’s corpse and didn’t even consider joining the rest of us.”

“I promised Kim”, Jared tries, but Embry is quicker.

“We all made promises, but that’s under normal circumstances, and backing out in a moment where we needed to be a united front was a shit move. Don’t justify it by taking Kim’s name in your mouth or your children’s names. Sam has kids too, but he shifted for the first time in five years to guide the pack. We were all five years in, hell I finally saw my first marks of aging EVER and I ended that streak to help my best friend and to protect my imprint from anything like that happening to her. That’s what I was thinking when I broke my streak.”

Getting up, Jared didn’t bother arguing. He walked out the door without looking back. Nodding faintly in Embry’s direction, Paul hopes he understands it’s in gratitude. If he’s completely honest with himself, Paul’s been wanting to say all of that and more to his best friend’s face, but he’s had no energy for arguments. If it were Kim, Paul would have done anything to help Jared. If it were any of them, he’d have shifted without a second thought. Many of the pack members did just that – even if they had wives and children. Every one of them struggles now. A shapeshifter doesn’t stop shifting so easily – it’s like an addiction. The anger they’ve laid to rest has resurfaced, the need for a fix of freedom shifting supplies is worse than any drug. It’s difficult to ‘retire’ a shapeshifter, especially when they’ve been dormant for a while. Consuming is how Paul would describe it – all you want to do is shift and run, to ignore the ache your heart can’t seem to shake. All his brothers are now suffering as he’s suffered every moment since that first shift occurred. Every fiber of his being covets the feeling of grass under his paws, the smell of the forest filling his nostrils as he rushes between the trees, an apex predator on top of the food chain. It’s lurking, waiting for a moment when his will bends to claim him, to take him away from Y/N as it did before. Paul promised her he’d never do that again and he’s kept that promise, despite the pain it brings him. Looking around the room now, he sees everyone else is in the same kind of pain too, except for Jacob and Seth who shift regularly.

“We can do a dinner,” Paul sighs. They sacrificed a lot for him and Y/N. They might as well get something from it. “It can’t be a surprise!” He insists. “I’ll check with her first. She’s finally making progress, I won’t risk her regressing now.”

“Fine”, Daisy rolls her eyes. “But we get to bring gifts.”

“If she agrees to dinner, feel free to bring gifts.”

High-fiving Embry, Daisy smiles. “And I know exactly what to get her.” Noticing Paul’s furrowed brows, Daisy’s eyes narrow. “I see you’re regretting your decision. Don’t let Y/N feel it or I will show you why my middle name is Thorne!”

Jacob cackles, “No way!”

Embry runs a hand down his face, aware his friends will definitely use that whenever they can.

“My parents were hippies, okay?!”

Paul nods, unable to hide his smile. “Well, you definitely gave us all a present today.”

Grabbing a muffin, Daisy glares at Jacob who bends over, still laughing…extremely, annoyingly loudly. Thanking his lucky stars for ending things with Rachel when he did and remaining single long enough to find his imprint, because if things played out a little differently he'd be stuck with Jacob as his brother-in-law for the rest of his life.

With the sense of relief his thoughts brought him, Paul walks closer to Emily and Sam. He leans on the wall.

“If Y/N gives permission for this thing….I might need help cooking”, Paul sighs as Emily smirks.

“Oh, I’m well aware. All you need to do is ask.”

PART 32

Tags: @notperfect-justme @sucker4seresin @ahoyyharrington @b-tchymoon @squiddaloo @abbiesxox @kellyashcroft @the-chaotic-cow @xxxjaexxx @captainrogers-19 @bexloxl @adaydreamaway08 @sunsetevergreen @volturiwolf @twihard08 @galacticstxrdust @sorrow-and-bliss @missxmarvelous @locokoca @unstablekay @makhaia @venusdelaroix @avadakadabra93 @tearsforhan @a-marie-a @lendeluxe @seagulls-corner @konigslilslut @rottenstyx @itsmytimetoodream @dreamerwasfound @convolutings @thingfromlove @jennyamanda8 @havecourage-darling @luvr-exe @alittlejudgemental @turningtoclown @emptydoorsandpaintedwindows @marvelmenarebeautiful @bringmethe-world @alitaar @sugasthreedollarkookie @chloe-skywalker @heyheyheyggg @feral-ratatattat-king @fandomrulesall-blog @dcgoddess @lilac-crowns-blog @small-town-wayward-daughter

[coochiequeens]

Women’s sports is not a retirement plan for old men

A 50-year-old trans-identified male runner has seized his eighth championship title in a women’s category after smashing the competition at the Italian Indoor Masters Championship in Ancona.

On March 12, Valentina Petrillo, born Fabrizio, competed in the 200m race for women aged 50 to 54. Marco Alciator, a statistician, was present at the championship to monitor Petrillo’s performance and provided a report to the Italian Feminist Post on what he witnessed. 

Alciator recorded that that a difference in “physicality [was] immediately noticeable,” and that the female competitors were unable to hold their own against Petrillo, who effortlessly dominated the competition.

But Petrillo’s prowess in women’s athletic competitions is hardly praiseworthy, says Alciator, who notes that if Petrillo had been competing in the equivalent men’s race, he wouldn’t have even broken the top 10.

“Were it not for the fact that Petrillo is still unbelievably entitled to compete in the women’s category, he would have finished 14th place in the M50 category.”

Following Petrillo’s victory, the female athlete who came in second place expressed that she felt disappointed in the results. Cristina Sanulli would have come in first place, and set a women’s indoor running record, if not for Petrillo.

“We do not feel equal, precisely because [Petrillo’s] physical structure is male,” Sanulli said to Alciator. “So we are not running at par. Although the [personal] path Valentina has taken is respectable… athletically speaking it is not, and because of this we feel very discriminated against.”

At the end of the race, a spectator could be heard shouting, “Brava, Cristina!” a cheer that received applause from other athletes. This show of support for Sanulli enraged Petrillo, Alciator says, who then shouted several times in response: “Dedicated to all those who want to hurt me!”

Leading up to the latest race, a women’s rights advocacy group called RadFem Italia contacted government officials to ensure that Petrillo would not be granted access to the women’s locker rooms. In response, Petrillo was provided with a designated changing room reserved especially for him at the Italian Masters Championships in Ancona.

On March 16, Petrillo again lashed out in a Facebook post wherein he equated criticism of his presence in women’s sports to Nazism, telling detractors they were “on the same level as Hitler,” and comparing sex-based sports categories to a 1936 ban on Jewish athletes.

Upset at being denied the use of the women’s locker room, Petrillo wrote, “In Ancona, you made me have a terrible time, it is not fair… you’ve relegated me to a ‘dedicated’ locker room,” a situation which he claimed was similar to the segregation of those called appestati, or sufferers of a plague.

A number of female athletes and professional experts have been highlighting concerns about Petrillo’s participation in the women’s category. At the Master’s Athletics Championships in Arezzo in October 2020, 

Petrillo outpaced Sanulli and Denise Neumann, both of whom had previously won world and European Masters titles and have been regarded as the best in their events.

The athletes took the podium with Petrillo at the time to avoid becoming embroiled in controversy, but later stated that they felt that Petrillo had an unfair advantage.

“I didn’t feel like I competed as an equal. It was my race, my goal for the season. I had been preparing it for a long time and I wanted to win,” Sanulli said at the time.

Sanulli and Neumann were among more than 30 female Master athletes who signed a petition in 2021 opposing men being permitted to identify into women’s sports.

The women were represented by Italian lawyer and athletics champion Mariuccia Fausta Quilleri, who claimed that the admission of male athletes in women’s competitions constitutes a violation of Article 1 of the Code of Equal Opportunities between Men and Women. The petition was sent to the president of the Italian Athletics Federation, Stefano Mei, the Minister for Equal Opportunities, Elena Bonetti, and the undersecretary of state for sport, Valentina Vezzali. According to RadFem Italia, their efforts were not acknowledged by the government officials.

Petrillo currently holds 8 women’s running championship titles, but failed to earn even one while competing as a male. In January 2019, Petrillo changed his name to Valentina and began taking estrogen. The following year, he began competing against female athletes and has since broken multiple Italian women’s running records.

Petrillo has been diagnosed with Stargardt disease, a disorder of the eye that causes retinal degeneration over time. Due to this visual impairment, he has been permitted to compete in both matches designated for women with disabilities, as well as those which are not.

In September 2020, Petrillo raced in the women’s 100-, 200- and 400-meter competitions at the Italian Paralympic Athletics Championships in Jesolo, despite having not undergone the procedure euphemistically labeled sex reassignment surgery.

Additionally, Petrillo had not altered his identification documents, which still listed his sex as male, though this did not deter him from being granted permission to enter the match. He won first place in all three races and therefore qualified to represent Italy at the Tokyo Olympic Games.

At the last minute, however, the Italian government intervened and barred Petrillo from competing against women with disabilities at the Paralympics in 2021. The International Olympics Committee (IOC) had just announced updates to guidelines for trans-identifying competitors stating that male athletes must keep the levels of their testosterone below 10 nanomoles per liter for at least 12 months in order to participate.

After being awarded three gold medals at the Paralympics qualifiers, Petrillo dedicated his victory to Bologna-based trans activist organization Gruppo Trans APS, headed by a trans-identifying male named Milena Bargiacchi. 

“I dedicated to them my victory in my favorite race,” Petrillo told OutSports. “Gruppo Trans supported me in my darkest hour, and they helped me find the answers I needed when I was questioning my identity and my life.”

Gruppo Trans’ website has a section dedicated to outreach for crossdressers, where counseling and Zoom sessions are offered. The point of contact is a man called Charlotte Verniani, who runs a lingerie and sex shop and engages in a fetish practice called “female masking,” a sexual activity which involves men donning a silicone “female” face mask, or, on occasion, a full-body silicone “woman suit.”

Speaking about his history with the BBC in June 2021, Petrillo said: “Until four years ago, if you’d talked to Fabrizio (the name Petrillo was given at birth), Fabrizio would have given you the idea he was sexist. He was a tough guy who’d speak dismissively of women and then be a woman in his private space.”

Petrillo has stated that he used to “try on his mother’s clothes” when he was younger, a behavior that until recently was considered a symptom of a sexual disorder known as transvestic fetishism. He has also said that prior to declaring a transgender identity, Petrillo would steal his wife’s clothing. While describing a memory of “touching” his mother’s skirt for the first time, Petrillo said, “It was an incredible emotion. It was like touching heaven with your finger tip.”

Gruppo Trans lobbies for males to be allowed to compete in women’s sports, and runs a program called QueerFit, a fitness course that offers “genderless changing rooms” and guarantees “privacy” of participants by allowing them to join using an alias.

The organization frequently employs Petrillo as a representative, and he has spoken for Gruppo Trans on several occasions. Gruppo Trans is backing a documentary film about Petrillo’s life called “5 Nanomoles – The Olympic Dream of a Trans Woman.” The title is a reference to the maximum testosterone limit set by World Athletics in 2019 for trans-identifying males in order for them to be eligible to compete against women.

In addition to partnering with Petrillo to campaign for males in women’s athletics events, Gruppo Trans also discusses “trans adolescents” and offers a variety of “training” programs through their website. Corporate diversity management training, courses for health care workers, and gender identity workshops for teachers are all available, as are lessons for children intended to be provided by instructors at schools.

[sciderman]

Would you ever consider blaming Raiminand Tobey Maguire for making people think Peter is a selfless quiet dork with barely any charisma or snark? Or where did the "Peter is an akward spineless quiet dork without a sassy bone in him" idea of Peter came from?

i don't want to discount raimi's parker because - you know, i kind of like him. i kind of like most peter parkers, for their own reasons. i'm unfortunately doomed to be in love with most peter parkers for some reason or another. and for tobey - he's just one silly little autistic-coded guy who's kind of terrible at relationships and struggling his way through life. which is very peter parker core.

i don't think being sassy or charismatic is something integral to peter - it's something you love to see, no doubt, but - like, every peter parker is different, and i can't fault anyone for looking at tobey's peter and saying "yeah. that's my spider-man."

sure - i think it's a bummer that there's a pop-culture consensus that peter parker is meant to be pathetic - but - it's true, actually. he is pathetic. just every peter parker has their own brand of pathetic. and it's down to them to discover what their flavour of pathetic is.

i'm more upset that the tobey movies kind of ruined the public perception of MJ - that's unfair. especially since TASM rolled around after and gave everyone gwen stacy and everyone fell in love with gwen stacy and doubled down on the MJ hate. the number of people who tell me they hate MJ and i ask! why! and it's directly the fault of the tobey movies. that's not fair. she's not even bad in those movies. peter and MJ were both kind of stilted and wooden in the trilogy, and we live in a world of women haters who'll just lambast the female character more than the guys.

i think the mcu's portrayal of spider-man did a lot more damage to the public perception of peter parker than tobey – tobey's kind of meant to be a little bit of a blank slate - your archetypal suffering hero character. but there's lessons learnt from him. tom's spider-man - tom's spider-man kind of fails all of that. he's not sassy - he's a puppy dog. he humps the leg of anyone who'll give him attention, and he really doesn't have any sort of motivation beyond "oh! this is cool!!" or "oops. i messed up." he's dragged around by the narrative like a wet blanket, and kind of doesn't do anything noble or heroic that doesn't inadvertently cause more damage. i don't like that one. i don't like that peter parker. that's the peter parker i'm mad at for ruining peter parker. i'd wipe that twink off the map if i could.

[not-poignant]

I'm rereading utb and while i def understand and agree with ef being held accountable for things, at the same time, it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions, much less his trauma, without anyone actually explaining or modeling this

Like, everyone constantly brings up the fact that he tried to kill Kadek even once they've acknowledged why and gary is starting a relationship with him while also essentially his prison warden and with how little ef has experienced in the world, especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Idk, I really love this fic so, so much and thank you for writing it and i don't even need a response or anything, I just get defensive of ef when I'm reading sometimes bc he's trying so, so hard basically all the time and it seems like people acknowledge it sometimes in the moment but then don't give him the tools to make it any easier

Answering this one publicly because I know you're not the only one who feels this way or has felt this way!

Okay firstly, some of this conflict I'm evoking in the reader is intentional. I want people to feel defensive of Efnisien. I want people to think 'hey, hang on a minute.' There's a lot of reasons I want that, including the fact that in reality, most people don't recover from being abusive even after they've been in horrifically abusive situations in a vacuum (i.e. the whole world doesn't suddenly stop and become soft as cotton wool just because you've been abused! If you go and interview a whole bunch of people in jail right now, a lot of those folks (especially those who have done repeated serious crimes) will have experienced horrendous and incredibly unfair amounts of abuse, y'know? It's complicated. Yes, they have a right to heal and a right to support. Some of them probably did some pretty awful crimes as well. *coughs*serial killers*coughs*)

Obviously Efnisien is nowhere near that level, but the dissonance remains. He's certainly tried to murder more than one person. But we root for the person whose perspective we're reading. Still, people do not heal in a comfortable vacuum. In fact, most people are asked to be accountable for bad behaviour usually while suffering terribly. Because most people - unless they're certain kinds of extremely rare people - do bad behaviour because they don't know better and/or they're suffering intensely and it can momentarily feel good or satisfying to make other people hurt too.

That's an extremely hard process for the folks who are in that situation. Anyone who has had to recognise they're being a bully, or being abusive, usually goes through a period of time where they can't just immediately change, and what's expected of them seems impossible.

Now to everything else:

This world is a dystopia. There are things happening which aren't going to feel good when you're reading - systemic issues, issues around unfairness - because it's a dystopia. If those things weren't happening, and people just felt blithely comfortable with the entire world, well, that's not actually what I'm going for. There are times it should feel extremely disturbing to read.

So there are times I want readers to feel like things are unfair. There are times I want them to feel very strongly in one person's defense and only later realise the other person was hurt too. There are times I want them to feel like everyone is being unfair to a character. And times when I want folks to feel like the situation just sucks all round. Like, my intention in amongst the hurt/comfort isn't for things to feel easy or nice all the time, I am absolutely challenging the reader by introducing things that feel uncomfortable.

So when folks like yourself tell me this stuff it's like - yeah! It's a dystopia! And - yeah! Unfair things are definitely happening. This is especially true in the beginning when no one really has a concept of how bad things have been for Efnisien, or that he's an alpha. It remains true because no one is perfect. But it happens less often, that's what makes it feel more jarring as the story goes on. If you're rereading it's going to feel worse in the beginning, that's on purpose. The story is doing its job.

it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions

I don't really know what scenes you're specifically referring to here (like, just the first few chapters? The whole story? Temsen's single lecture?), but this is absolutely not the case. I'm going to look at the whole story:

The majority of the time that Efnisien is rude and disrespectful, especially once Efnisien and Gary are living together, Gary mostly ignores him, brushes it off, doesn't react or responds like it's normal dialogue lol. He's not constantly correcting his behaviour and he's not constantly like 'hey rephrase that to be polite' or 'I have feelings too' (maybe he should say the latter sometimes).

Gary is more aware than anyone that he shouldn't be Efnisien's guardian and that he's not a companion. He says this, out loud, to several people, several times. So we know that he knows that the situation isn't great / fair re: Efnisien's care (and frankly his own. Of the two of them, Gary's the one who keeps coming close to potentially dying from the other person's actions).

especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Gary is not Efnisien's psychologist. And psychologists are not doing their jobs on absolutely everyone, 24/7! This one is so important to remember (both in real life and sometimes in fiction). He's categorically not Efnisien's psychologist and it would be even more toxic if he attempted to be this if they were living together!

Gary being a psychologist is his job in the same way being an artist is a job, it's not specifically relevant to their relationship, except that Gary sometimes has better understanding of the root/s of some behaviours.

Ask any psychologist how they live at home and most of them do not want anything to do with their psychology jobs in their personal life, because they're mentally fatigued/tired from talking to people all day. They are not perfect people, they don't have perfect control over their emotions, they aren't teaching everyone the coping mechanisms they need to survive (this takes a lot of labour! It's exhausting! People can't do that 24 hours a day and stay sane. It gets toxic fast.)

The majority of the time Efnisien has extreme emotional responses, Gary just tends to absorb them, acknowledge them, or actively care for him. It's easy to miss these moments because I'm usually not making you feel conflicted about it.

The times Efnisien has extreme emotional responses and then chooses to repeatedly hurt Gary, there are often extreme emotional responses that follow because you know, that's what Efnisien was aiming for! He was trying to severely hurt someone!

Let's move onto Temsen and Efnisien, because this might be more of what you're thinking of, since Gary almost never holds Efnisien accountable tbh. Temsen is a doctor, and a peak alpha who is a leading educator in academic omega rights and theory. He is the first to deeply understand how young alphas left to get away with their smaller abusive behaviours are the kind of alphas who grow up into rapists, murderers and torturers like Christian in Underline the Blue.

(I just want to add, Christian's own abuse and PTSD is real, I don't think any of us are rushing to hold his hand and pat his head, because we sympathise with Nate more than Christian. But Christian has real pain, and real suffering too. He's a great example of how 'you're still accountable for your behaviour though' at its most extreme).

So, Temsen sees Efnisien's behaviour and he lectures and shuts him down like he would any young alpha who is on a really dangerous path. Even within that, he acknowledges himself - out loud - that it's a complicated situation and the time he comes down on Efnisien the hardest, he says the timing is poor. The majority of the time, he shows Efnisien compassion and care, and listens to his opinions, even when they disagree. He is the first to validate his gender both repeatedly in words, and in hormone and medical support. He's the first to change his approach to Efnisien's medical care when Efnisien calls out his lack of respecting his right to privacy, and he's the first to correct Gary about it when Gary expects Temsen to keep giving him information. He offers pragmatic, compassionate advice about many sensitive subjects in Efnisien's life, his health, his secondary gender, his nesting behaviours. And I would say this is how Temsen actually models better behaviour.

Temsen doesn't expect Efnisien to have all of these skills, but Efnisien has to be told what he's doing wrong and how that's not acceptable behaviour and how he's hurting people, to start learning those skills! Otherwise why would anyone bother? Vindictively hurting other people in moments of rage can feel satisfying for folks who aren't being held accountable.

You say no one is modelling better behaviour to Efnisien so I'm just going to pose some questions that are rhetorical:

How many alphas at HIllview are mounting or torturing Efnisien every day? Does Efnisien have choices in what he eats? Is Efnisien's opinion listened to more and more, especially in matters of his health? Do they care about his pain and offer him painkillers when he's suffering? Are the characters in the story trying to enrich his experiences and help him to become a more mature person by helping him overcome his fears of things like going outside? Are the characters deliberately trying to expand his support network by helping him see new people and lean on them for help, instead of keeping him in a box and forbidding him from seeing anyone? While also taking into account the safety of others?

Are the characters largely gender affirming once they learn more about Efnisien?

Are the characters actively teaching Efnisien social sciences to help him understand more about the world and human rights, which includes his own rights?

Do the characters acknowledge that Hillview isn't an ideal place for Efnisien, just a good place for now?

Do the characters want Efnisien to have a future where he's happier?

Do the characters allow Efnisien to have his emotional responses as long as they're not also abusive responses? For example, is Efnisien allowed to cry, nest, seek comfort, or even be angry, provided he's not being domestically violent? (The answer is yes).

Do the characters to the best of their ability explain things clearly and maintain their own boundaries around Efnisien to remind him that he can also maintain his own boundaries?

Are Efnisien's wishes largely respected where possible? (The answer here is also yes - such as refusing internal exams with Temsen, or having control over what he does most days and how he spends his time etc.)

Can Efnisien see lots of examples of people talking civilly to each other and often with great care, and not being abusive to each other? Can he see alternative forms of conflict resolution, management and repair?

Is Efnisien offered opportunities to repair rifts that he's created himself, after being cruel to someone?

This is just a start, but these people through these behaviours are already role-modelling a ton of better behaviours than anything Efnisien has been exposed to in the past. And we can see that Gary himself role models a lot of these things to Efnisien directly, including apologising frequently and quickly when he realises he's made mistakes. This is how Efnisien learned to apologise! And he literally has thoughts like 'Gary does this / so I guess I should do it too.' That's literally role modelling a behaviour :D

Gary's actually a pretty good role model, and the only reason Efnisien's behaviour starts to improve at Hillview as well as his quality of life is because Gary and Temsen are role modelling these behaviours.

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Efnisien isn't literally a prisoner in his current relationship!

I feel like when folks identify really strongly with a character, it's very easy to miss the times when Gary and Temsen for example brainstorm ways for Efnisien not to live with Gary. Aside from at the very beginning, these characters have actually talked about - in the story, in dialogue - options for Efnisien to not live with Gary.

Like they literally talk about making Efnisien a new room in the headquarters and possibly even building him his own building down the track so he doesn't have to be with Gary! As they trust Efnisien more, they offer many options to him. As the story goes on, they are absolutely not forcing Efnisien to stay with Gary, and nor is Gary. Efnisien himself communicates clearly that he would rather live with Gary than be on his own. This is something that gets checked in on, and more than one option is given to him.

Missing this is understandable, it's a long story, but it also means it's not true that Efnisien is a prisoner in that he's being forced to live with Gary. That's only true in the beginning when they literally think he's just a murderer/attempted murderer who's going to kill everyone at Hillview. As the story progresses, it shifts to 'well he's not a murderer, what are his other options?'

Can Efnisien live a free life wherever he wants? No. That's where the 'dystopian universe' tag comes in. He's not safe to, but Hillview staff wouldn't be concerned with educating him and teaching him independence if they didn't want him to live as independently as possible one day. It's not like Gary has to try to get Efnisien comfortable with going outside and experiencing the outside world, and it's not like he has to encourage Efnisien to meet omegas and betas etc. to hear different opinions, y'know?

But yeah the role modelling is happening: Efnisien's showing more and more tools in coping all the time! He's been growing them since the beginning of the fic. He's learned to communicate better. He's learned how to articulate what he wants and doesn't want more clearly. He's learned how to care more for others even if he often misses that he has the power to really hurt them. He's learned more (not less) confidence. He's having less (not more) trauma responses. He's learned how to trust in the people around him more, so he's starting to talk more about his experiences of gender. He's learned that what he went through was wrong, and is sharing more about the abuse he suffered.

These things would not be happening in a story where people weren't giving him the tools to cope with his life or weren't showing him ways to communicate differently.

The reason Efnisien talks more clearly and articulately now in the story, the reason he laughs more, cries more (which is more open/honest imho and healthier than repressing it), talks more, talks about his past more, expresses his opinion more is because Hillview has been equipping him with more tools to live a richer life pretty much as soon as they realised he's not going to just murder people at the drop of a hat.

In some ways they're showing more trust than our society would because like, attempted murder could land him in jail for a while in our society, y'know?

The reason they haven't paired him with an actual psychologist is that they don't have any peak alpha psychologists and Efnisien can use alpha persuasion on anyone else, and would certainly get angry enough in therapy to use it. We only need to look at how Efnisien responded to Dr Gary in Falling Falling Stars sometimes in therapy sessions to see that yes, this is a guy who - if he had the tool of alpha persuasion - would absolutely use it to get a therapist to shut the fuck up when he felt like it, lol.

But yeah, as always, if folks are feeling really uncomfortable when reading something I've written, it's often intentional. You're right, Efnisien's situation is unfair. A few of the specifics you've brought up aren't true, and have missed things in the story, but it's still not a fair experience, it's not always a pleasant experience, and it's...pretty dystopian!

When we get really deep into our emotional connection to a character, it can still help to remember that the situation often isn't exactly the same as it feels. But this story also has the tags: darkfic / disturbing themes / dystopian universe for a reason! The visceral discomfort is a feature, not a bug.

[sombredancer]

How to be a more interesting character than the Main Hero (Pt.3)

Shangjue and his didi (pt.2/2)

Yuanzhi wants to save Shangjue from any kind of pain so badly, and not only because he feels guilt for brother's loss, but also because he is able to see brother's true personality: Shangjue is an invisible root of Gong tree.

When an assassin and didi have a conversation in the final part of the drama, she says that there are people, in front of whom Shangjue could be vulnerable, but Yanzhi smirks and says that the Martial World won`t allow it. And it happens to be true: he knows that Shangjue’s fiancée is an assassin and he knows that, no matter how much Shangjue is into her, she would not hesitate to kill him if she had a chance, so Shangjue`s soft spot for something (such as a woman he likes) would be his doom. But he needs to look invincible, because the whole clan counts on him and relies on him.

Because Shangjue is a root of Gong clan, everyone sees only thriving and green branches and beautiful flowers (which are wealth, power and secure of Gong clan), but no one sees that it wouldn`t be possible without a root, strong yet hidden under the soil (aka one hardworking man).

I often find the fate of Shangjue's type of heroes very unfair: a person unnoted takes care of everyone and is rewarded at the end only with sufferings and death. But this story is different, because Shangjue has got his didi, who doesn't care about world but eagerly takes care of him while he takes care of anything else. This scene was the second one during the drama that upset me a lot. I spoiled myself some shots of Yuanzhi crying over brother's body and I was sure he would die because he isn't fluffy and spotless enough to stay alive in Chinese drama. Fortunately, he didn't:

It works vice versa, too:

Yuanzhi is, I suppose, coded as someone like Asperger: he is kinda genius, he preferred insects and plants to people as he was a child, he couldn`t understand why people cry and felt uncomfortable with someone`s touching (he slipped out of Shangjue’s grip when Shangjue took his hand). And Shangjue did a great job socializing him.

Being an adolescent, Shangjue hadn`t problems with feeling expression. Things Shangjue taught his didi in a flashback are the opposite to those the Main Hero’s mum taught MH and to those Shangjue believes now. Shangjue told Yuanzhi that a man should cry because in that case someone would understand one's woe and this sympathizing could help to recuperate one's soul, but now he never cries in front of someone. However, Yuanzhi learned his lesson well and isn`t embarrassed to express his feelings freely.

I found this scene very weird (if not taking into account that the flower is obviously a red herring): the Main Hero and Shangjue both fancy girls, while didi fancies a magic flower. But later, as I finished the drama, I understood: didi fancies Shangjue the most. The unique and almost extinct flower isn`t some treasure for him, it matters only that this flower can save Shangjue`s life and increase his inner powers. The previous one was taken away from Shangjue, and Shangjue allowed it to happen, because his needs didn`t matter to him compared to prosperity of his clan. (Later, as we know, it was spent in vain by a villain, which made me feel terribly sorry for Shangjue). But his didi values him enough to try to take care of him once more (and for this time he has planted more than one, in order something would end up in Shangjue’s hands even if clansmen would need this flower, too. How smart of his!). And I like that his love is not in vain – Shangjue loves him, too, and believes him in any situation, and that warms my heart. I love their relationship a lot.

And the most vivid feeling that he freely demonstrates is a jealousy towards Shangjue’s fiancée (btw, I like that Shangjue understands it and pardons his tantrums):

"Go ahead, tell me what's on your mind." *opens his mouth to start talking* "Well, rather don`t. I can see it on your face." *smiles*

So, in the part 4 I will talk about Shangjue and her.

[codenamesazanka]

i dropped mha awhile ago bc it was getting a bitttt too copaganda-y for me and you are like one of three mha blogs i still follow i tuned back in again just to find out the ending im so sorry to shigaraki he shouldve at least been allowed to destroy mount fuji rip king he’ll be spitting on heroes from the skys now….. the kinda split reaction between the japanese fans and western fans is interesting to me it kinda feels like fans are reacting to two different stories? or like focused on very different aspects? anyways thanks for what you do keep it up 👍🏻

Thank you for all your follow and love for all these years!!!! <3333 i'm really happy and grateful and I hope i've kept you entertained the whole time!!!!

Yeah, BnHA is very adamant about its Heroes! So! Cool! Worship Them Like Gods! thing. Just when you think it'll be deconstructing the concept of Hero Society, All Might comes back to be fueled by the wishing energy of the world to inject acid into his opponent. Quite a choice. I'm so just in it for the villains. Sorry it didn't work out for you! And sorry you had to come back to Shigaraki ending up like that. 😭😭😭so far. He really should've been allowed to destroy Mt. Fuji.

As for the contrast between the Japanese fandom and the English-speaking fandom... I caution my observations being the whole and objective truth!

I'm much more familiar with Villain Fans Section of the English-speaking fandom; and while we're very loud and vocal, it does seem like the majority opinion is that Heroes are cool, Villains are bad, ending is acceptable. Meanwhile, I'm looking only at japanese tweets through keywords, and they're bound to be more positive because it seems like people avoid tagging their hate; anonymous message boards are freer with their criticism, but there's still never essay-length rants. I'm sure there has bound to be those existing somewhere, but with my mainly surface access into jfandom, I wouldn't know where to look for them.

Plus, there are a few people in jfandom who have the same gripes: why is Endeavor allowed to continue to be a Hero; the heteromorph resolution is majority-oriented and unfair to the minorities; the social issues aspect should've been addressed more; Deku shouldn't have invaded Shigaraki's mind like that, and it's a bit concerning that he seems to have no reaction to the total annihilation of a man in front of him, etc. Not a lot, and, as I said, not as vocal as in English-speaking fandom, but they're there.

However, from my observations, in my opinion I think there are a few key differences:

Shonen Jump is about the protag Heroes. What it is and should be. I think bnha is pointed out to be pretty uniquely sympathetic to its villains?

jfandom are much less lenient towards the Villains. They can love the League, they can criticize Heroes, but they readily acknowledge that the League have done terrible things and should be punished accordingly. Doesn't matter their sad backstories; they still hurt people and they need to pay for that. They're unforgivable. Like, the idea that Tenko killing his family - even if completely by accident, even if manipulated - is a sin no matter what and he should atone for it, is more prominent. (There are also people who will forever know Bakugou as the 'jump off the roof' bully and never forgive him no matter how much development he goes through.)

The concept of 'saving' seems to be more focused on saving the heart, freeing someone from suffering, giving them relief. It does not necessarily mean not killing them, or ever forgiving them, or ever considering them likeable.

the concept of 'the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few' seems to also be somewhat more significant. of course the few should be accepted and treated right, and they should be accommodated, but it's best to... avoid causing trouble for other (normal) people, let's say. Sometimes, though, the few can't be made to feel accepted, and that's how things are. It's a pity. There are definitely people fighting against this idea, and English-speaking fandom isn't exempt from this either (soooo many 'wow Toga is just a psychopath' takes still existing; and also 'who cares about Muscular' even from the Villain fans), but it's a thing.

Jfandom appears to like it more that Shigaraki sticks to his guns. to the very end, he's stays true to the League; he stands by his choices and actions even if they were under undue influence; and he's a Hero to the Villains. Loyalty and a strong conviction are valued. Seems to be less fretting whether Tenko and Tomura are separate people/identities/persona. (Still a few who think 'Shimura Tenko' will come back.)

and so end result is that overall, Deku did do his job, and admirably at that. He didn't ignore The Crying Child when he could've/should've because Shigaraki was already unforgivable for his actions at Jaku (and before); he saved Shigaraki/Tenko's heart by providing relief, but that doesn't necessarily mean he needed to understand or befriend Shigaraki, or that Shigaraki should be converted (for lack of better word) and saved physically; he's a Hero who stopped a threat and saved the world; and Shigaraki disintegrating is simply just desserts.

But like I said above, it could be that those points aren't specific at all to jfandom. There are certainly a lot of people who think the ending is great and satisfying in the english-speaking fandom (and from what i've seen of machine-translated spanish/french/portuguese/etc tweets, also those fandoms). It's just the critiques are very in your face, and Villain fans are very vocal. I know I certainly am.

Thanks for the ask!!!!!

[dalliansss]

“You have never known love!” Egg screams at him. All the screaming prompts Angrod to rush into the room with Edhellos, and in a panic, he looks from Finrod to Egg and back, unsure which brother to pacify first. But in the end he decides to run to Finrod and Edhellos runs to Egg, and they struggle to keep the two apart. “You who have only ever existed for yourself! What do you know of love when even now you pull Curufinwë into sin, when you spit at Amarië with every living second–!”

“I will not give you permission to wed!” Finrod roars back, rage in his eyes and demeanor. “I will never allow your betrothal and your wedding, for as long as you and I both live! Never! You hear me?! Never!”

“Get out of my land–!” Egg screams. “Get out of Dorthonion–!”

“Ha! You send me out? I am your King, your liege-lord! You hold Dorthonion only because I will it! I am the Head of your House, and no marriage will take place between you and this adaneth, ever! I swear it!”

Angrod manages to bodily pull him from the room in a feat of strength. Though his words are true – that his brothers are his vassals, it is Finrod who leaves Dorthonion that same day, opting to return to Nargothrond. He does not even remember making the journey. He is fueled by anger and fear, such terrible fear. 

If Egg forsakes the immortality of the Eldar in such a mindless, thoughtless decision, and he too suffers the same fate Balan did – growing old, sick, and weak, eventually forgetting anything, blind – Finrod knows he will most certainly die from grief very close afterward. He will not live through such a loss. Not Egg’s loss. Not the brother whom he raised as a son.

It was unfair of Egg to ask him this.

To accede to his wish to die?

And for what? For an adaneth he met in only one day, spent time with less than a month, whom he says he thinks he loves?

Egg hurt Finrod today more than all the sorrows the world has thrown against him so far ever did.

[withered / AO3]

@skaelds

[pennyserenade]

old movies that are scully-coded/movies scully would like (as per request of @edierone):

the philadelphia story (1940): a wealthy socialite is getting married for the second time, and her ex-husband and two tabloid reporters come and wreck a bit of eye-opening havoc for the woman (i mean, c'mon, katharine hepburn is so scully!!! it would be a crime not to include this. while this film isn't exactly what i'd call feminist, it's got some good meat on its bones that i think she would appreciate. i also think scully could appreciate some of the messages of this film -- especially the idea that you cannot expect perfection, including in yourself)

on the beach (1959): the world has been decimated by atomic war, and an american navy captain named dwight towers meets a terribly lonely woman named moira davidson when he goes to australia, a safe zone. towers is suffering from a grief so unbearable he can't confront it, and moira finds herself falling in love with him despite it. (this movie is about more than just these two, but they are the main feature for sure. i think scully would love this one for a lot of reasons: the navy thing is and always will be big for her, but also there's this idea that love will outlast everything -- that even in the face of the greatest horrors, it will always prosper. i do believe scully to be a secret romantic)

wuthering heights (1939): well you know the story, heathcliff and cathy and a bunch of unfair events that leads to a haunting tragedy (scully is a classics girl, and i think she re-reads wuthering heights once a year. its no wonder this is one of her favorite old movies. see also: secret romantic)

the heiress (1949): a terribly shy and plain woman named catherine lives with her repressive father dr. sloper in 1940s new york. her life is uneventful until one handsome social climber comes into her life with promises to make it better. (i really think this is the scully movie. i believe she'd see herself in this plain and shy catherine, who seems to live to please those she loves (especially her father!!!). its a story about a woman finding her voice, not because of outside forces but because of herself. the part of scully that snuck outside to smoke cigarettes, the part that made her join the fbi, the part that had her getting a tattoo in never again -- this is the same part of her that loves this)

[wardenparker]

You’re So Vain - Chapter 6

Dieter Bravo x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst​

Oscar winning star Dieter Bravo’s reputation is suffering after the debacle of “Cliff Beasts 6″ and “Beasts of the Bubble”, so his management team has signed him on to a publicity stunt to find his soulmate and show the world a softer side of the erratic and unpredictable star. The plan quickly go awry, though, when Dieter’s soulmate wants nothing to do with him.      

Rating: Mature. But this blog is *always* 18+ Word Count: 12.9k Warnings: *Blanket warning for chronic illness, cursing, and deceased family members. This is a Dieter fic, folks, so there absolutely will be discussions of drugs, drug use, and addiction.* Enemies to lovers, fake dating, illness, hospital stay, discussions of past drug use, abandonment, unfair assumptions/associations, so many fucking feelings, these morons are still terrible at communicating, friendship is hard but these characters’ heads are harder.  Summary: Nora is in the hospital, Dieter is doing his best to be helpful, and Steph is grateful for the extra moral support even as she gives that support right back to you - because you are more than a little overwhelmed by all the emotions you’re having to deal with all at once.  Notes: My own experience with chronic illness and with Crohn’s Disease specifically means that this chapter is very important to me. There is something unequivocally honest about time spent in a hospital and there is a LOT to unpack in this chapter. This is a heavy one, guys.  

Ch 1 ~ Ch 2 ~ Ch 3 ~ Ch 4 ~ Ch 5

“Steph had to bring Nora to the hospital.” Despite the number of times your little warrior of a niece has been in the emergency room, it never ceases to terrify you. In the beginning it had brought on panic attacks that you had to hide from Steph, and you’re feeling like one might be brewing now. “They gave her something at daycare that made her sick and she’s—she’s still…” You scrub both hands down your face and breathe deeply to stave off anxious tears. “She’s in a lot of pain and the doctors aren’t having any luck stopping it.”

Dieter’s heart drops and he turns back to scrawl his signature quickly and snatch the bag and the credit card from the concerned looking cast member behind the register. “Let’s go.” He immediately steers you towards the door, forgetting to thank the worker as his own panic starts to build.

“If you just drop me at the hospital…” The thought fades out when you have to snatch for the sleeve of his t-shirt to not get separated in the crowded parking lot. Your other hand is trying to one-handed swipe text a message to Steph that you’re on your way. “Mission Hospital is something like a half hour from here.”

Dieter snorts, mostly insulted that you think he would just drop you off at a hospital. “Focus on something else.” He tells you, realizing your breathing is near hyperventilating. “Did you post the picture?” He’s huffing himself as he is speed-walking towards the car. Thank god for taking a picture of the sections and paying for premium parking.

“Not yet.” You had forgotten all about it in the last five minutes, if you’re honest. “Got distracted.”

“Okay.” Dieter just wants you to be thinking about anything other than the hospital right now. Knowing that it’s soul crushing to think about what might be happening. Danica was dead and yet Dieter had stressed for fucking hours - days if he was honest - over what those last moments for her was like. He’s pretty sure you are doing the same thing even though from what he knows - it’s not life threatening.

The two of you are back in the car in no time and he’s practically peeling out of the lot to get to the highway. “Thank you…” It’s just a quiet little murmur since your face is mostly buried in your hands, but you actually are grateful that he just dropped everything to drive you.

“It’s family.” Dieter tells you. “It— it’s been a long time since I had one, but she always came first.” He reaches over and squeezes your thigh once before concentrating on getting you to the hospital as quickly as possible.

Neither of you talks much in the way, and when you reach the hospital, you direct him through the maze of little streets to the valet stand to hand off his car keys. “We have to check in and get security badges in the ER.” You tell him, blindly directing him toward the pediatric emergency department from muscle memory once you’re in the front door. There’s no time to be surprised that he has come inside with you, you can deal with all of those thoughts later on when Nora is feeling better.

Dieter follows, the bag he had grabbed from the backseat firmly in his hand. All he could think is that it might help take her mind off the pain. Keeping close to you as you walk over to the check in station and pulls out his ID.

“Patient’s name is Nora Valeria.” How many times over the last few years have you said that sentence? Far, far too many. The two of you get sticky badges with your ID pictures on them and the imposing woman behind the counter gives you Nora’s room number. “I know how to find it,” you tell her quietly when she starts to give you directions on how to find the room. “My niece is…a frequent flyer. Unfortunately.” The sight is far too familiar to you, and the duty nurses greet you by name when you come down the hall. This is a place that no one should have to call second home, but here you are. Nora is hooked up to softly beeping monitors and soundless pumps, splayed out on a kid-sized gurney with tears in her eyes when you come in, and you don’t miss a beat before rushing to her side. Steph is right there holding her little hand, so you throw one arm around her tightly while the other hand touches Nora’s cheek ever so gingerly. “Hey sweetie,” you murmur, bending over to kiss her forehead. “Heard you had a rough day.”

Nora gives a small “uhh huh”. The little girl is used to the hospital, but she had been so happy to not be back here over the past few months. “I don’t feel good, Gigi.” She complains quietly, the tired whimper all she can manage right now through the pain.

“I know, baby, I’m sorry.” Your fingers brush a few stray hairs out of her face, and you look over at Steph. She’s clearly been crying, but she’s keeping it in check while Nora is alert. “The doctor just okayed giving her some morphine, so hopefully that while finally take care of the pain,” she tells you, reaching to squeeze your hand. “Thank you for getting here so quickly.”

“Have you—” Dieter breaks off, knowing it’s not his place to suggest anything. He’s not a doctor and he’s pretty damn sure you wouldn’t appreciate him offering advice for treatment. Instead he moves over to Stephanie and rubs her back. “Sorry that you have to be here tonight rather than relaxing.” He murmurs. “Do you need something? A drink or food?” He knows she would ignore her own needs to stay with her daughter. Very sure about that fact.

“I can’t eat when she’s like this.” Steph admits, but she reaches up to pull Dieter down into a tight, slightly desperate hug. “Thank you for getting here so quickly.” If she’s surprised that he came in with you, she’s not showing it at all. “I—I’m sorry to cut into your day…”

His own arms are tight around her. Trying to provide her some kind of comfort. “Don’t worry about that.” He brushes off her apology. “Nowhere else to be but here.”

“Did you manage to have a little fun at least?” Steph is clawing at any good thought right now, even as unlikely as it is that the two of you might have enjoyed each other’s company. She knows that you were going to try to be more patient today and hopes like hell that it made some kind of difference. As much as you don’t want to hear it, she can see the two of you being good for each other - if you’d just stop being so fucking stubborn all the time.

Dieter hums, unsure of how to answer that. It was pretty okay until that kiss. Until he wasn’t able to think about anything but the way your lips felt against his. “We found out the best drinks to have list is pretty accurate.” He offers her, pulling back and shooting her a grin. “Better than the night you got drunk at my house.”

A half-chuckle is the closest to a laugh Steph can get right now, and she squeezes his hand. “Your Insta looked like you were having fun. I’m glad it wasn’t all for show.”

Nora has latched on to your hand, holding it tightly in both of yours when a nurse comes in with a small, wrapped syringe in one hand and surveys the room. “How’s our little warrior doing?” She asks, moving right to the other side of Nora’s bed where her IV hangs. This particular nurse has seen your niece through a hell of a lot of flare ups, and nods to you in lieu of saying hello - but doesn’t quite know what to make of seeing a man in the room. “I brought you something for the pain, pumpkin. Do you want to hold Aunt Gigi’s hand while I put it in? It’s going to make you feel heavy and sleepy, and that’s okay.”

Dieter watches as Nora looks over at the nurse. Nodding quickly and clinging to your hand. She’s probably done this hundreds of times before, but he hates to see the flash of fear in her little eyes.

Morphine is one of those things that’s tricky with Nora because of the side effects, so if she needs it today then the episode must really have been bad. Soon enough her breathing slows, and the little whimpers of pain lessen, and her eyelids droop a little as she looks between the four adults in the room. “Sleepy…” she murmurs to her mother, knowing that sleepy is a good thing. She’s done this enough to know that sleepy means it’s working.

“Good, baby.” Steph nods, trying not to sniffle or show anything but loving support for her little girl. “If you’re sleepy then go ahead and sleep. Let the medicine work.”

“Her doctor wants to admit her for overnight observation.” The nurse tells Steph, satisfied that her patient will be feeling a little bit better soon. “But you know…” she glances at Dieter, not recognizing him. “She can only have family for visitors in the ward right now.”

“We know.” You nod quickly, realizing she’s very politely going to have Dieter kicked out once Nora is brought to a room - and for once actually feeling like having him around might not be terrible. He busted ass and broke a bunch of traffic laws to get you here and Nora seems to like him. That’s—Nora’s comfort is key right now. So, you pull the sleeve of the sweatshirt you’ve been wearing and hold out the large black triangle on your arm. “He’s my soulmate.” Is that the first time you’ve ever said that out loud?

Dieter is shocked that you willingly admitted that out loud. Like, actually told someone. The nurse looks over at him and he grins sardonically and shrugs. “She didn’t pick me.” He quips, slightly self-conscious about the entire thing.

Steph’s jaw practically drops that you said it out loud, but she collects herself quickly enough while you put your sweatshirt back on. “Nora will be glad he’s here when she’s feeling better.” She knows that for certain. “Okay.” The nurse nods. “I’ll add you to her visitor list. What’s your name?”

“Dieter.” He tells the nurse, not getting an attitude that she doesn’t recognize him. “Dieter Bravo.”

The nurse startles, obviously recognizing the name, and her eyes widen when she takes another look at him and finally recognizes the Oscar-winning actor in her ER room. “Got it,” she nods, hurrying out again after another look at Nora.

Dieter looks around the room, noticing that there is a distinct lack of an overnight bag. Which is odd, considering how sick Nora can be. He can only assume that she raced to the ER directly from the daycare. “I— you need clothes right?” He doesn’t like hospitals, never has but he wants to be useful. “Why don’t I go grab something for you?” He asks, rubbing his hands on his shorts. He knows you don’t really want him here, feeling like you will be more relaxed if you have a break from him for a bit.

“I—” Steph looks distinctly embarrassed, caught unprepared as she was. “I took my hospital bag out of the car,” she admits sheepishly, guilty tears welling up like she somehow jinxed her daughter’s health with optimism. “It’s in the bottom of my closet now. If you…would you mind going to the house to get it?” It’s not normally something sure would ask, but he offered, and it means you can be there when Nora wakes up from her hopefully pain-free nap.

“Yeah.” He’s relieved and it probably shows in how quickly he’s jumping to leave. He doesn’t like seeing Nora in that bed. “I’ll get your stuff. Anything else you need?”

As reluctant as you are to admit it, you’ll want something clean, too. If he’s going to the house anyway it would be dumb to be stubborn and not ask him to grab something for you as well. “The top drawer of my dresser has clean shirts. Would you just throw one into Steph’s bag for me?” The idea of him being in your room doesn’t settle well, but taking care of Nora overrides that discomfort. “At the top of the second floor stairs, Nora’s room is right in front of you. Go left and that’s Steph’s room. Go right and that’s mine.” Today must have gone very well if you’re letting him into your room, but Steph doesn’t say so. “Spare key is inside the little fairy statue in the front garden. Thank you, Dieter…so much.”

“Don’t mention it.” Dieter doesn’t glance over at you, still too raw from that kiss to actually make eye contact. “I—uh, I’ll be back okay?” He tells Steph before he remembers the bag in his hand. “Oh! If—if Squirt wakes up before I get back, this is her surprise for being good today.” He chokes out the words softly and shoves the bag into her hand.

Steph says a soft “Thank you”, and then he’s gone. Out the door like a rocket and bound for your house.

“Do you know what she ate that set this off?” Bundling your best friend up in a hug in a hospital room is such a familiar act that it feels almost normal, and you hate it.

Stephanie sighs, clinging to you just a little bit harder than she probably should. Nora had been doing so well. “There was a new teacher.” She murmurs softly. “She didn’t realize everything Nora couldn’t have. Apparently, she gave Nora some Dill Pickle chips. They had milk in them.”

“Fudge.” You hug her tighter, planting a reassuring kiss in her hair. “I swear, milk powder is in everything.”

“I swear I’m going to start a company that has none of the shit that triggers her.” Steph huffs, breaking her own rule about cursing right now.

“Put that business degree of yours to good use.” Drawing a chair up next to hers, you loop your arm around her back and give her space to lean on your shoulder. “She’s going to be okay,” you remind gently, as you both watch Nora sleep. Thank God the morphine is working. “She’s a fighter, and a trigger food isn’t going to take her away from us.” Maybe a hundred years ago, with no treatments and no idea of what was making her sick, Crohn’s Disease might have led to death in a young child - but not anymore. Even a case as severe as Nora’s is treatable. It’s a disease she’ll always live with. Not one she’ll die from.

“I’m so sorry.” Stephanie feels so guilty about calling you away from your date. “Today of all days.” Laying her head on your shoulder, she watches her daughter sleep. “It looked like you were getting along too.”

“It was…weird.” That’s a gentle way of describing the day, and you pull your phone out of your pocket to pull up your Instagram account with the hand that isn’t rubbing soothing lines on her arm. “We, uh…well, look.”

Stephanie hums, watching you scroll through the photos and notices that there isn’t the one that you had been dread. “Oh shit.” She murmurs, feeling horrible. “You didn’t get the kissing picture. Tell Libby it’s my fault.”

“Uh…” Blowing out a long breath, you tap through your phone to open your text messages where he has sent you the pictures that your student took. “I just haven’t posted it yet…” It’s hard to look at, honestly. That humming vibration thrumming through your body again remembering how it felt. You look…kind of good together, actually. It’s obvious the kiss isn’t faked, and it doesn’t looked staged even though it definitely was.

“Oh.” Stephanie glances at you then back at the photo. “Is this why you said we needed to talk…with tequila?” She asks softly, not wanting you to put your defenses up.

“It’s not a big deal.” Swiping all your apps closed one after the other, you hit the button on the side of your phone to close it and shove it back into your sweatshirt pocket at lightning speed. “Nora is more important. Kisses don’t mean shit.” That’s what you’re going to tell yourself, anyway. Because otherwise you’ll have to admit you… felt something.

“Okay.” The last thing she wants to do is to upset you or to start an argument in her daughter’s hospital room. Instead, she looks back over at Nora. “I’m surprised that he offered to go get clothes for us.” She prods gently. “He can seem so…unbothered at times.” She doesn’t think that at all, but it’s your opinion and she wants to see what you say in the face of proof that he wasn’t.

“He likes you.” That’s obvious. He likes Steph and he likes Nora, and he’s gone out of his way for them countless times now. You? You get the fights and the disgust you fully expected you always would. And why are you getting upset about that? You haven’t been upset about the idea that he wouldn’t want you in nearly ten years— that anyone knows about. “He likes Nora. Calls her Squirt.” The little girl shifts in her sleep and grimaces but doesn’t wake. “Maybe we should show her Finding Nemo. There’s a turtle in that called Squirt.”

“We could.” Stephanie is very interested in the tone you used at the beginning though. It sounded like you were upset that he liked her - or maybe a little jealous. “Would you rather he not like us?” She murmurs softly, eyes still on Nora and she can’t deny that she loves the cute little nickname Dieter bestowed on her.

“I don’t want Nora to be upset when she never sees him again after this summer.” It’s clear she’s attached to him as well. She doesn’t give nicknames to just anyone and she called him Deedee today - hopefully just because Dieter is too much for her little mouth, but still. “He, uh…he got the movie he wanted. The one filming in Switzerland. So I’m hoping that Libby will just let us squeeze the last few dates in before he leaves and then he’d…um, he’d been gone by August.”

Steph pulls away from you, a slightly guilty expression on her face. “I—I don’t think that will happen.” She admits, wondering if you will get angry again. You are very sensitive where Dieter is concerned. “He, uh, he told us that we could come over anytime.” She explains. “Let Nora use the pool since she loves to swim.” He had texted her a couple of days after delivering the car, just to make sure she still liked it and they had chatted at bit. Nothing about you, but she had enjoyed the often quirky conversations.

“Oh.” You don’t take your arm away from her or move at all, but your grip definitely slackens, and you nod vaguely. Distractedly. “You, uh…didn’t think to mention it to me?” She knows how you feel about Dieter, and there’s something else churning in your stomach that you can’t quite name but you don’t like how it feels. “That you guys talk?”

“Just occasionally.” Steph promises. “And I never tell him anything about you. He just texted me to ask how we were liking the car and it kind of went on from there.” She notices the small furrow in the middle of your brow. “You can read the conversation if you want. I mentioned having to buy Nora another inflatable pool for this summer because I hate taking her to the public pools and he just told me to bring her over anytime.”

“I’m not going to read your texts, Steph.” That’s a huge invasion of privacy in your opinion, and you have always trusted your best friend to be honest with you, which is why the wrinkle in your forehead deepens a little when you look back at Nora. “What’s going to happen if he relapses?” You ask her quietly, honestly voicing the thing that worries you most about him having a presence in Nora’s life. “What happens when you go over there one day, and he doesn’t recognize her? Or accidentally hurts her? Gives her something to eat that makes her like this but is too high to realize what he’s done?” The way you shake your head is resigned. Scared. Sure that it would happen some day. “Look, if you want to spend time with him, I—I can’t stop you. I just worry.”

“If he relapses, maybe Nora could be the kick in the ass he needs to get help again.” Stephanie offers. “He’s…he’s lonely.” She gives a small shrug. “I would never expect him to care for my daughter or anything. He actually started asking me questions about her disease. We didn’t know everything when she was diagnosed either. I think - you expect him to be a fuck up because people like him hurt you. But, the only thing they had in common with Dieter is that they did drugs. He’s different.”

“Steph…” It’s too hard to look at her right now, and you spin the little fashion ring on your finger around and around in a useless attempt to quell the anxious bile rising in your throat. “D-do you…do you have feelings for him?” She’s always been so insistent that you should let him into your life. She was the one who contacted Libby originally. She’s the one advocating to keep him around. What if he’s only your soulmate so that she could meet him? What if your roll was always only to bring them together? After all, isn’t that how she met Shawn? Her best friend’s big brother…

Stephanie’s mouth opens and a small soft squeak comes out, surprised and shocked that you would even ask that. “I— no.” She rushes out. “Not like you are thinking. I’m grateful to him. He changed our lives so much and I can never repay him, but no. I want to be his friend. I like his sense of humor and think that he’s a nice guy.” She reaches over and covers your hands with hers as she shifts to look at you even though you won’t make eye contact with her. “But I don’t have any romantic feeling for your soulmate. I promise I would never do that to you.”

“You say that like I should have feelings for him.” It is something that has never, never been considered a possibility for you and even inferring it would have been enough to make you actually angry at one point. But now? Now it just makes you feel…sad. Hollow in a way you don’t like at all. Like you’ve failed somehow for not being immediately in love with your soulmate.

Stephanie sighs, looking over at Nora again. “I’m not going to tell you how you should feel. Soulmate experiences aren’t the same for everyone. Obviously.” She rolls her eyes and smiles. “But I will tell you, even knowing I was going to lose Shawn, I would do it all over again.” She turns back towards you and bites her lip. “I wonder what would have happened if his sister hadn’t died that day. If I had told him that you had his bullseye tattoo and the elephant on his thigh.” She gives a small shrug and stands, walking over to her daughter to stroke the little girl’s forehead. “In the end, what you decide is up to you.”

“Sometimes I wish you would.” When you look up at your best friend, there’s a hint of desperation in your eyes that you can’t hide. “Tell me how to feel. What to do.” It’s a selfish thing to want. You know that. But you really can’t help it sometimes. “You’re so much smarter than me. And not just smarter but wiser, and you don’t have this—this giant hole in your heart where you can’t even think about letting a whole new person into your life. I mean shit, Steph. You lost your soulmate. If that were me, I wouldn’t be able to let anyone near our little girl afterward. Just in case.”

“You’re afraid of losing him if you let him in.” Steph’s eyes widen as she realizes that. “Jesus hun, you can’t let that make you afraid of living.”

“I wasn’t until today.” It’s a lot to admit, especially to someone who knows you so well, but yes - that is definitely a part of what you’re feeling. Fear, worry, and a plethora of other things without names. “Until that stupid fucking castle.”

“Until you kissed him.” Steph corrects you.

“Yeah.” You groan, soft but agonized, dropping your face into both hands. “Until I kissed him…”

“Oh honey, you felt something.” She walks back over to you and strokes your back gently. She won’t pretend that this isn’t difficult for you. She knows it is.

“I felt the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in a while.” You grumble, aware that it’s your very defensive emotional wall talking. “I don’t know. It’s all complicated and annoying and he hates me anyway.”

“He doesn’t hate you.” She immediately defends. “He’s just not…come on…how would you feel if you went to meet your soulmate and their first words were ‘fudge you’?” She asks, knowing that you’ve apologized but you still need to realize how you’ve set the tone in your relationship with Dieter. “He’s used to people adoring him.”

“So the entire thing is my fault?” That doesn’t sit well with you, having lived through every petty or dramatic act Dieter’s gone through while you’ve known him. “I’m not a blind adoration kind of person, Steph. I never have been.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “He’s petty and can be childish.” Even as much as she likes Dieter, she can admit that. “Matching energies, that’s what he called it. But I’m going to be honest. While I know you aren’t the blind adoration type, you’ve not once given him an actual chance without your prejudice clouding your view. Have you?”

“Would you be able to forgive the kind of person who leaves a teenage girl for dead on an OD?” Turning in on yourself in your chair, you’re practically curled up in a ball. Feeling small and overwhelmed and scared, just like you did then. “They left me to die. People just like him.”

“I know they did.” She was there. She remembers vividly, even though you and Shawn tried to shield her from the worst of it. “But none of them were him, were they?”

The way you sigh - resigned and even a little defeated - is broken into your palms. “No. None of them was him.”

“And they were all pieces of shit for leaving you.” Dieter is standing in the doorway when both of you look up shocked, a frown on his face. He has two bags on either shoulder and is carrying a large In & Out bag and a drink carrier with three drinks. “I know you said you didn’t want to eat, but you need to.” Dieter tells Steph. “I got them to put everything on the side, since I didn’t know if either one of you had dietary restrictions.” He adds, before his gaze slides over to you. “But I think you and I need to talk in the hall.”

This day just keeps going from bad to worse, you think as you unfurl yourself off from your chair and give Steph’s shoulder a squeeze. “Come get us if she wakes up,” is your only request and Steph nods before you follow Dieter out into what seems to be the only deserted hallway in the entire hospital. “H—how…how much did you hear?” Unlikely as it is, you’re not even upset to be overheard. You feel more like a kicked stray than anything else.

Dieter ignores the question, instead looking at you seriously. “Have I pressured you into doing anything? Taking anything?” He asks you.

“What?” Your forehead knots deeply, confused by the question. “N-no?”

He nods, happy that you at least believe that. “I like drugs.” He admits, looking around the hall and then back at you. “I’m an addict, like the way they make me feel, think. Like how creative I am when I’m high.” He sighs. “But I didn’t let that Tik Tok girl do them. That wasn’t in the documentary. She wanted to try, and I said no. If she wanted to smoke a blunt, cool, we would have lit up. But she’s too young for the other shit. And I damn sure wouldn’t have left her to fucking OD like apparently happened to you.”

“It’s more complicated than that.” And there are fucking tears in your eyes, which you hate, because it means even a base level of vulnerability. “It’s not about direct pressure.”

“Then what’s it about?” He demands. “Because it’s bullshit that you think I would do something like that.” He’s actually really hurt you would think that, if he’s honest with himself.

Looking up at him physically hurts - that hole in your heart aching from where you tore at it yourself as just a kid. “Because I did it so you would like me.” And how ironic it is, that so many years later it has become the reason you can’t stand each other. It’s almost too poetic for words. “I worshipped you. Seventeen years old and so fucking proud to be your soulmate just as you were starting to get really famous. I read every interview, watched every tv show and movie. Nobody was a bigger fan than I was. And you liked drugs. So I decided I was going to like them too, so we’d have shit in common when we met one dreamy, magical day. I was in training to be Dieter-fucking-Bravo’s perfect woman, so I had to know every drug out there and what they would feel like. And I ended up with a group of kids that bailed on me the second things got hard. Ditched me behind a dumpster in an alley in Haight Ashbury. I only survived because some Good Samaritan called 911 and an ambulance brought me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.” And that is the most cohesive explanation of what happened the summer before college that you have ever given anyone in your life. Through the tears, the hurt, and the shame, at least it’s honest. “So, no. You’ve never directly asked me to do shit. But I almost died trying to make myself into someone you could love.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Dieter closes his eyes and squeezes them tight, leaning against the wall. “I—I wouldn’t have cared.” He tells you honestly. “If you didn’t do them. I don’t – it’s just about being yourself.” He tries to explain. “Just being who you are, unapologetically. You use those Bluetooth earbuds and I think they fuck with my brain waves.” He opens his eyes and sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you felt like just yourself wasn’t good enough. But I would have never done that to you. To anyone.” At least now he knows why you hate him, and despite the pure panic he had felt when he had kissed you, there was never going to be anything between you.

“I was a kid.” You sniffle, wiping away the few tears spilt during your unfortunate speech. “And I saw how perfect Steph was with my brother, and my parents, and all the other soulmates I knew…and I wanted to be perfect for you.” A shrug barely graces your slumped shoulders, standing in front of him with all of this pent-up stupid shit falling out of your mouth. “I’m…I’m really sorry I’ve been so shitty to you. None of it is actually your fault. I just…I guess I never stopped being angry and hurt about it.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Now that he understands why, he’s not angry anymore. He’d never thought about how his drug use would influence others. He’s just always looked at it like he was only hurting himself. “I—” he stops himself before he says something stupid. “Want a hug?”

“Yeah…” You chuckle half-heartedly, only do you don’t cry more. “That…would be nice.”

He’s lucky he deposited the food and bags in the room before he came out here with you. Tugging you into his arms and wrapping them around you would have been difficult. But he does just that, wondering why you seem to fit so perfectly.

“So I’m guessing that when you got up this morning, this is exactly what you thought was going to happen today.” A joke is your best defense mechanism at this point, sure as you are that you’ve ruined things between you permanently. Even if something could have been, he’s had enough venom from you to last a lifetime over the course of just a few weeks.

“Absolutely.” Dieter latches onto your sarcastic tone, obviously desperate to lighten the mood. “Figured I would end up in the hospital because of you.” He jokes. “Although I was assuming it was because you tried to run me over or something.”

“I know I’m not easy to get along with.” Strong-willed, your mother called it. “And I get it if you want to pretend like we never met after this contract thing is all over.” Who knows if the real you would even be good for his image like Libby wants? Or if you would just stay at each other’s throats despite the apologies. If you would actually be good enough.

“So do I.” Dieter doesn’t actually want to let you go. He does love physical touch and hugs were a part of that. He gets it now. He’s completely wrong for you because of what happened.

“If you want to stay friends with Steph, though…and you should, she’s amazing…we’re going to have to see at least a little of each other.” Mumbled into his t-shirt probably isn’t the way to have this conversation, but he’s broad and soft and strong in all the right ways to add up to a great hug and you don’t particularly want to move yet.

He sighs gently, rubbing your back. “Let’s get through the last three dates first.” He compromises, still a little hurt by the idea that his soulmate wants nothing to do with him.

“Right.” Three more dates and then he’ll decide that you’re nothing more to him than his friend’s roommate, and that will be that. It will be your own fault for ruining any possibility of a future with your soulmate.

Your stomach conveniently rumbles, or maybe it’s his, but the sound makes Dieter pull away. “Let’s go back in the room and eat.” He urges you, turning towards the door as if the two of you hadn’t just had a heavy conversation. “Being hungry sucks.”

“Hey.” Steph’s voice is soft when you come back into the small room, making sure not to disturb her little girl. The two of you look…not happy, and she hates that things apparently didn’t get figured out between you. You deserve the absolute world and a soulmate who loves you to boot. “They’re moving her upstairs soon. The nurse said they’re cleaning up a room now.”

Dieter nods and walks over to where the food bags are. “I got a variety of things.” He offers, opening the bags where Steph had left them. “We can eat here so the smell doesn’t follow us.”

“Thank you.” She had gone through the clothing bag he brought to make sure it had all the clean things for her and Nora that would be needed and left it at that while the two of you were talking. “I mean…you don’t — don’t feel like you have to stay.” She blusters, not used to anyone but you and her involved in these nights. “But I know she would be glad if you were here when she wakes up.”

Dieter shakes his head. “I’ll stay.” He insists before glancing over at you. “Unless it would be easier if I wasn’t here?”

It’s a loaded question, and one that you’re not entirely sure how to answer at the moment, but you shake your head as you start to unload the fast-food bag onto the small rolling table for all three of you to reach. “Stay. We take shifts napping so someone is always awake for her, and we play cards during the time that we’re both awake. I hope you’re prepared to have your butt handed to you in gin rummy because Steph here is an expert.”

Snorting, he shakes his head and winks at Steph. “You obviously never bullshit your way through celebrity poker games.” He jokes. “Nothing worse than when fucking Ben Affleck sits down. Or that bastard Matt Damon. Beat me last time.”

“Fudging.” You nod at your sleeping niece apologetically. “She, um…she started picking up on our cursing, so we’ve switched to kid-friendly substitutes.”

His eyes widen and he looks back over at her and nods. “Crap, sorry.”

“It’s okay. She’s sleeping.” It feels a little like walking on broken glass with him, but that might be all in your head as the three of you start to split up the food he brought back. “She’s just a smarty pants and picks up on things easily.”

“I see that.” Dieter chuckles. “It seems like she would keep both of you on your toes.” He passes out the drinks and takes his own burger. “Hopefully what I got her makes her smile when she’s out of here.”

“Apparently she told everybody at daycare that she got to see Deedee this morning.” Steph smiles, grabbing a few fries. “Not just anybody gets a nickname from her.”

“Yeah?” He grins, looking very proud of himself at being given a nickname. “Wonder why I got that honor.”

“I guess we can ask her when she’s feeling a little better.” You’ve dug into your burger with enthusiasm since you skipped eating dinner in the park. “We were talking about showing her Finding Nemo soon, since you started calling her Squirt.”

Dieter grins, nodding. “You should. I like that one, but that other one…the Scottish girl. That’s my current favorite ‘kids’ movie.”

Steph grins, snickering a little. “That’s her favourite.” She tells him, pointing at you. “Went around saying ‘I’ll be whatever-ing for my own hand’ for ages after it came out. I’ll be cooking for my own hand. I’ll be painting for my own hand. I’ll be grocery shopping for my own hand. It was constant.”

He nods, expecting that kind of behavior out of you since you were so disappointed by him being your soulmate. For a brief - split second - he almost cracks a joke about how it was too bad that they had resuscitated him when he was in England. But it felt a little too much like kicking a puppy. Instead, he takes a bite of his burger and sips his soda. “I can see it.”

“Well yeah.” You throw your best friend a playful scowl. “I went to go see that in theaters as the third wheel with you and my brother. My own hand and a sense of humor was what I had.”

Dieter snorts, his mind going to wildly inappropriate jokes. “You sound like every teenage boy— ever.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” You hiss insistently, trying to keep your voice down despite Stephanie practically dying of laughter beside you.

“Sure you didn’t.” Dieter winks at Steph, sharing the amusement in your discomfort. “It’s okay. Everyone has those moments.”

“I do just fine, thank you.” What a god awful lie that is - but you may or may not be far too stubborn to want to appear to be anything but his equal.

“Good for you.” He takes another sip of his soda and gives a self-deprecating shrug. “I get turned down all the time.” He tells you, swiping up some fries and shoving them in his mouth.

“Sure you do.” You don’t believe that for a second. The big flashy movie star does not get turned down for sex.

Dieter chuckles. “I’m sure you think I’ve just got people throwing themselves at me all the time.” That was true sometimes, but it wasn’t normal. “But most of the time it’s just me sleeping in a hotel room by myself.”

“She’s lying.” Steph decides to butt in, pointing a knowing finger at you when you nearly gasp in indignation. “I’m sorry babe, but it’s been like a year, and you know it.”

“Busted.” Dieter laughs at the glare you turn on your friend, picking up another fry. “Sounds like you need to get laid.”

Oh, you are going to murder her. “You’re disowned.” Glaring dramatically at your so-called best friend over the last sip of your soda, you’re feeling a horrible combination of hurt pride and annoyance at being called out. “There aren’t exactly a lot of age-appropriate eligible bachelors at school to pick from.”

“Half your students want to bang you.” Dieter supplies easily, shrugging when you look at him like he has three heads. “What? I’d definitely be having nothing but naughty thoughts about teacher if you’d been around when I was in school.”

A deer caught in headlights has nothing on you right now, as you sit there and just gape at him for a second before you catch yourself. “That’s…I’m not sure if that’s flattering or mortifying.”

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Everyone wants to know they’re fuckable.” He scoffs playfully. “But we’ll drop it.”

Steph is smirking like she’s personally won you some kind of victory by unleashing this conversation when Nora’s nurse pops her head into the room. “We’re ready for her upstairs. Is everybody coming with her?”

Without even looking over at you, Dieter nods, standing up and crumpling his food wrappers. “Yeah, all of us.” He knows that you might not really want him there, but he doesn’t go to sleep early, so he can stay up with Nora and let the two of you get some sleep. He might as well put his sobriety induced insomnia to good use.

Steph glances at you when he says it so definitively, and you try not to show how grateful you are as the three of you follow Nora’s gurney up to the third floor. The hope that she’ll sleep through the night is fairly vain considering the morphine is bound to wear off soon, but her little body needs healing and hopefully she’ll just drift back off to sleep as long as the pain stays away. It’s the most you can hope for, for her. Rest and healing. And maybe for yourself, too, now that your secret is out in the open.

******

As much as Dieter doesn’t want to be at the hospital. As much as he wishes he didn’t have to be here, he’s glad that he is. Around 3:30 in the morning, both you and Steph are passed out, curled up in the small couch that turns into a bed, leaving him sitting next to the hospital bed and watching the slow and steady rise and fall of Nora’s chest. When she whimpers, Dieter looks over at the two of you, sure that’s mom super-hearing will awaken Steph, or maybe even you. However, it’s just him there next to her when the little girl opens her eyes. “Hey squirt.” He croons softly, standing up and hunching over the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Deedee?” Nora blinks slowly, the haze of low-grade pain leftover from her flare up keeping her from stirring too much. “Still—still hurts. But less,” she murmurs, wincing when she turns a little.

“It’s okay.” He reaches up and strokes her forehead, hating that she’s in pain. He could make it go away, but he highly doubted you or Steph would appreciate the types of drugs that worked better than morphine. “What do you need?” He asks, wanting to make her as comfortable as possible.

“Water?” There’s usually a pitcher nearby somewhere and her mom always has a cup ready for her, so she knows it’s possible. He’s not the person she expected to see when she woke up, though, even as she reaches for his hand for comfort. “Where’s Mommy and Gigi?”

“They fell asleep.” Dieter immediately reaches for the large cup with a straw that all hospitals seemed to give you. “Right over there.” He nods his head towards the couch as he holds the cup near her mouth for her to take a sip.

“‘Kay.” As long as they’re there, Nora understands that everybody needs sleep. She takes a few sips of water a little too eagerly and coughs, making her grimace in pain at the way it tightens her stomach. “Deedee, are you Gigi’s boy-fend?” The teacher she didn’t know at daycare was talking about it yesterday, and she’s seen her aunt get dressed up to go spend time with him and that’s what girlfriends and boyfriends do. She’s almost five, not dumb. Trouble pronouncing the word doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand it. Mostly, anyway.

“I’m her friend.” Dieter treads cautiously, knowing you will want nothing to do with him when the dates are over and he’s not going to push that. “And I’m a boy. So, I guess I am?” He gives her a confused shrug and makes a silly face to make her smile.

“So…” Nora’s face scrunches slightly, connecting the dots slowly. She’s still sleepy and her body hurts, but her mind has always been quick. “Uncle Deedee?” She asks after a second, brightening like the sun at a thought that obviously makes her happy.

“If you want.” He’s panicking, know you will hate that. Just like you hate him. Not to mention - he’s confused, so fucking confused after that kiss. “Why don’t we go back to sleep, huh?” He murmurs softly.

“‘Kay.” She agrees readily, yawning a little. Sleeping is better than hurting, but she tugs on his hand with her little one with a plaintive look on her face. “Cuddles?”

There is zero chance Dieter holds against the power of that look and request. He nods, motioning towards her IV. “Let’s be careful, okay Squirt?” It takes a while, gingerly climbing into the hospital bed with the four-year-old so he doesn’t mess with anything and make an alarm go off, biting back a curse when he almost yanks on one of her monitoring pads. Finally, he’s settled with her curled up in his lap. “How’s this?” He asks, rubbing her back gently and praying that no one thinks he’s trying anything inappropriate.

“Comfy.” Nora decides, tucking her head against his chest and yawning again as she closes her eyes. “Night night, Uncle Deedee.”

“Night night, Squirt.” Dieter hums, continuously rubbing the little girl’s back as he leans back against the pillow. Wishing that the situation with you could be as easy as it seems to be with Nora. He’s right, kids are simple, and he likes that about them. They either like you or they don’t. Giving out a yawn himself, he closes his eyes, relaxing into the bed.

******

You’re the next person to wake up, a few hours later when the morning shift floor nurse comes in to take Nora’s vitals. She clearly recognizes Dieter immediately, if the look on her face is any good indication, and you are just barely awake enough to clear your throat and draw her out of her shock.

“Oh!” She startles and looks over at you, a sheepish look on her face. “I’m so sorry.” She whispers. “It’s just— I— I’m sorry.” She quickly checks your niece’s vitals and the fluid left in her iv bag, all while discreetly stealing glances at where Dieter was still passed out, head back and mouth open as he snores quietly, his arm wrapped around Nora securely and the other splayed across her little back in comfort.

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to sign something for you after he wakes up,” you tell her, not actually sure that he’ll be happy about it but having seen him do it dozens of times now. You and the nurse both know that only family is allowed to stay overnight with young patients, so that must make him family.

“Really?” Her eyes widen and her gaze shifts between the bed, you and Steph. Trying to figure out how Dieter is family. “I-I didn’t know he had a kid.” She murmurs after a moment.

“He doesn’t.” At least, not one he knows about. You had already asked him that question. “She’s my niece. He—” For the first time, a small smile crosses your lips. Looking at him like this, the annoyances melt away and it’s obvious how much he cares about Nora - and she’s the most important thing in the world to you. “He’s my soulmate.”

“Oh.” She pauses, looking back over at the two people in the bed before she blushes slightly. “He’s - you’re a lucky woman.” She tells you before she backs away from the bed. “I’ll make sure all of you get breakfast.” She murmurs.

“Thank you.” You murmur, though you’re not exactly sure what you’re thanking her for - the comment or the meal. Either way, you nod and look back over at him with Nora with that same little smile. He must have been awake when she woke in the middle of the night. Usually you or Steph ends up crammed in that hospital bed with her for cuddles.

Stephanie stirs beside you, opening her eyes and blinking for a moment before she sits up. Needing to check on Nora. "How—" She stops when she sees the two figures cuddling in the bed. "Oh my god." She murmurs, heart melting. "I need a picture of this."

“He must have been awake when she wanted cuddles.” You murmur, still wanting to be quiet. “And the nurse did that non-committal hum thing when she came in, so her vitals are good.”

“Good.” Steph, rakes her hand over her face and sighs. “I honestly hadn’t missed this over the past few months.”

“I know, honey. Me either.” You rub her back in gentle circles with one hand while she pulls out her phone, snapping a few photos of Dieter and Nora snuggled up together in the small bed. “I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but I’m glad he was with me when you called. Doing this with three is a lot less stressful than trying to dodge around and stay up all night when it’s just the two of us.”

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t think he’s completely useless.” Steph teases playfully.

“If you’re going to tease me then I’m not telling you how I feel about him ever again.” It’s obviously an empty threat because she’s literally the only person you tell anything to at all, but you’ll make it.

“I think it’s very sweet.” Steph tells you honestly. “He’s been amazing through this.”

“I reserve the right to worry.” You sigh quietly. “But…yeah. He has been.”

“You don’t think I worry?” Steph asks you, looking away from her daughter and your soulmate. “Of course I do, I always will.” She admits. “But I can’t let that worry keep us from living. Otherwise we would still be quarantined in our house, scared of every cough and sniffle.”

“She got attached to him so quickly.” One hand scrubs down the side of your face absently while the other digs for the half-full water bottle in your backpack from the park yesterday. You’re parched. “I don’t want her to have to lose anybody else. Not because I was too immature to handle my bullshirt.”

“He’s still here.” She points out quietly. “You told him your deepest secret and he didn’t yell at you. He sat with us and played cards until the two of us passed out.” It had been almost easy. He had definitely told some not child appropriate jokes and didn’t even complain about having to go outside and across the street to smoke when the need for nicotine got too bad. “I’m proud of you for telling him the truth. What did he say?”

“That he was sorry I felt pressured.” You take a sip of water, feeling the heaviness of the conversation all over again. “But that he never would have asked me to do anything. As long as I was…how did he put it? Unapologetically myself.” That makes you shake your head - you don’t think you were authentically anything at seventeen. Maybe not even now, who knows? “I apologized for being shitty to him in the beginning and he asked me if I wanted a hug…it wasn’t exactly a long conversation.”

She hums and would say something, but Dieter shifts slightly, drawing her attention back to them as he slowly opens his eyes “Eh?” He grunts, looking around, slightly disoriented before he looks down and sees Nora still sleeping.

“Morning.” You barely raise your voice enough for him to hear, not wanting to wake your niece. “Looks like you got Human Pillow Duty last night.”

Dieter gives a relieved sigh. “Oh thank God.” He huffs. “That’s a thing.”

“Oh yeah.” Steph chuckles. “Did she give you the killer eyes, too? I swear that girl had weaponized her pout.”

“She’s lethal.” Dieter admits with a small smile, not wanting to move too much in case he disturbs her. “I was half afraid I’d be woken up screamed at or accused of …ya know?”

“The nurse that walked in half an hour almost lost her jaw at the sight of you.” You tell him, waving off the fear. “Don’t worry about it. How was she when she woke up?”

“Little thirsty.” He’s relieved that you are speaking to him. “I could tell she was still in some pain.” He frowns at that. “But she fell right to sleep when I got up here with her.” He licks his lips and looks over at Steph. “She— she wants to call me Uncle Deedee.”

Steph tilts her head at you and barely raises one subtle eyebrow, biting her lip to keep from grinning. “Really?” She hums in amusement. “Interesting.”

“Hey, it’s not my decision.” Though your shoulders tense, you blow out a sigh and shrug. “It’s up to you, Dieter. If you want to be an uncle to her and Steph is okay with it, I don’t factor into the decision at all. But the title comes with responsibility.”

He should have known. Bitter disappointment fills him. “Right.” He carefully shutters his expression so he doesn’t give anything away. He gives a shrug that would have anyone guessing you were discussing the likelihood of pigs flying rather than a little girl viewing him as family.

Steph, on the other hand, doesn’t quell her disappointment in the way you answer. Her frown is pronounced and she is - despite being your best friend in the world - rapidly approaching being done with your shit. She has tried and tried to help and only pushed to a level she thought you could handle, but now she just nods. “Yes.” She tells him unequivocally. “She wants you to be and I want you to be. So, you’re Uncle Deedee now.”

“Okay.” His tone is flat - neutral - and he starts to look around. Almost looking for a way out. You obviously don’t want him here, so he needs to leave.

“I swear to god I’m going to lock you two in a broom closet.” Steph huffs, looking between you and Dieter. “You obviously didn’t get enough time to talk yesterday.”

Dieter doesn’t say anything, just rolling his eyes and huffing. It’s not his fault you want nothing to do with him. “Uncle Deedee?” Immediately, attention is focused on the little girl in his arm. “Hey, squirt.” He hums, squinting at her appraisingly. “How we doin’?”

“Better.” Nora stretches and hugs him sideways before reaching for her mother. “I feel better, Mommy,” she reports, sounding like her normal, bright self again.

Dieter shifts, standing up when she reaches for Stephanie. He wipes his hands on his shorts and stretches slightly before he reaches for the bag that he had brought into the room. “Kiddo, I’ve got to go, but I made good on my promise.” He tells her, setting the bag on the bed.

“What’s dis?” She asks curiously, looking up at him with a look that practically begs him not to leave.

His shoulders slump slightly, knowing that he’s not going to leave until the littlest girl in the room lets him. “Well, open the bag. I know that you like that girl cowgirl and I knew you had to have this.”

Nora nearly scrambles to open the Disney-branded bag, and the first thing she comes out with is the kid-sized red and white cowgirl hat that tops off Jessie’s outfit. As soon as she’s slammed it on her little head, she dives back in and comes out with the rest of the costume that will transform her into her favorite movie character. Her delighted gasps and squeals are joyous, but they’re nothing compared to the way she throws herself into his arms, hugging the breath out of him as she continues to squeal. “Thank you, thank you Uncle Deedee!”

Dieter can’t help but chuckle and make sure that she doesn’t hurt herself with her IV as he hugs her back. “You’re welcome, squirt.” He tells her. “I knew you would like that. Dress up like the cowgirl you love.”

“Thank you.” Steph mouths it over her daughter’s head, glad to see that Nora has her energy and her spirit back after the flare up. She’ll see what the doctors say, of course, but maybe they can be home again by lunch time. “Do you want to wear your Jessie costume and watch her movie when we go home?” She asks Nora, knowing very well what the answer will be.

“Yesssssssss!” Nora screeches, grinning from ear to ear.

“Looks like someone is feeling better.” The doctor appears on the doorway a half second after Nora hits maximum volume and chuckles. “And it looks like we had a bit of a sleepover last night. How are you feeling, Nora?”

“I wanna go home.” The four-year-old immediately responds, feeling better and wanting to put on her new outfit. “Please.” She adds at the last minute.

“Dieter…” Despite the part of you that just wants to let sleeping dogs lie, this is no longer a situation that can just be ignored. You nod toward the door, silently asking for him to follow you out into the hall as you get up from your seat. It’s a combination of your do better mantra and for Nora, because you really would do anything for her, that is pushing you here and you know that if you let it sit you might not talk to him until the next pre-scheduled date.

“Oh boy.” Dieter claps his hands together and shooting the doctor a wry grin. “Getting called into the principal’s office.” He quips. “Feeling a little triggered right now.” Shuffling off into the hall so he can get yelled at.

“I was going to say thank you.” But now your arms are crossed as you lean against the wall, feeling like an idiot for thinking he could possibly be interested in anything you have to say. He’s in this for the publicity, and you have to remember that no matter how mixed up you’re feeling since that kiss. “For being so helpful last night and for obviously caring so much about Nora. I’m —” You shrug. “But I can see I’ve run out of chances and that’s my own fault.”

“I—” he stares at you for a moment before he sighs. “I guess we just don’t mix, huh?” He asks, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I honestly don’t know.” The way your eyes trail to the ground is resigned. “But I did actually have fun yesterday, so I know it’s possible for us to get along.” Unless he was just acting the whole time, which is obviously possible but you’re afraid to ask out loud.

“I did too.” He had been surprised that he had enjoyed himself so much. “Amazing huh? All we have to do is to basically be distracted by everything around us.”

When your eyes snap up to his there is an obvious hurt there that you’re completely over having to disguise. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life apologizing to you for how I acted,” you tell him, hating the way your lip trembles. You’re used to being a strong shell on a soft interior, but the shell is cracking big time. “But Steph said something last night that scared the shit out of me, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“What’s that?” He doesn’t like how much he hates your vulnerability. Doesn’t like how much he’s ready to apologize.

“That—” Arms tightening across your chest, you look down at your feet again, at the wall, at the windows across the way. Anywhere but at him. You absolutely had not planned on saying any of this shit to him but here you are spilling your guts in the hallways of the same hospital where your brother spent the end of his life, and your niece spends more time than any child ever should. Fear and sadness are all you’ve ever felt here. “That I’m afraid of losing you if I let you in.” Abandonment issues, according to the therapist you saw in college. Genius fucking diagnosis for someone who had literally been abandoned.

“I get it.” Dieter knows his bad habits, makes no excuses for them. Even now, clean, he would dive back into using if given half a chance. “I tried to kill myself.” He announces. “After Danica died.”

“Oh.” You definitely weren’t expecting that, and your head snaps back up instantly. “I—fuck. I’m sorry.”

He shrugs, like it wasn’t the horrible thing that would make most people look at him differently. “Losing the person that meant everything to me made me spiral.” He had plenty of therapy himself to learn that. “Toxic and self-destructive, I was labeled. But— fuck, I mean, we only had each other.” His eyes find yours after a moment, dark and still filled with pain after so many years. “I know what loss does to a person. It’s why after Ben— after he tricked me, no one mattered.”

“I’m not saying that I expect to matter to you.” After how you’ve acted, you would be astonished, honestly. “I just…I think the person I actually hate is me, and I projected that on to you. So—” Fucking tears, you think, wiping the damn things away. “I just wanted you to know that I don’t hate you. That’s all.”

“Why do you hate yourself?” He asks, tilting his head curiously. “Because you OD’d? Shit happens, but it wasn’t your fault. They should have been looking out for you.”

“I don’t…really have a good answer for that, to be honest with you.” And not knowing things is something that frustrates the hell out of you. “I think I should call my therapist when I get home and start to unpack some of that baggage.”

He nods and looks around the hospital. When he looks back at you, he smirks and holds his hand out. “Dieter Bravo.” He introduces himself to you. “Kind of a douchebag, plenty of issues, but always fun.” He jokes. “Apparently, I’m the dreaded soulmate.”

It takes you a second to understand what the hell he’s doing, but when it dawns on you, you can’t help smiling. You introduce yourself the same way - full name as though you’ve only just met - and put your hands into his. “Kind of a bitch, plenty of issues, but always up for a drink.” The way your stomach flips isn’t so far off from that kiss yesterday, but it’s calmer. Or at least less terrifying. “Nice to meet you.”

He shakes your hand and nods. “Nice to meet you.” He hums softly. He hopes this helps in some small way, the twisting in his gut telling him that he should not let this lay like it has been. Understanding you a little better since your talk last night.

“Thank you for staying last night.” It was an enormous thing that he absolutely did not have to do, and you’re still plenty emotional enough to acknowledge that. “If you want to go home, I totally respect that. Hospitals suck. But…don’t feel like you have to leave because of me.”

“I— just didn’t want to cause you more issues.” Dieter tells you. Figuring you needed to focus on Nora rather than being mad at him.

“You’re not. If anything, you’ve made this a heck of a lot easier.” And you know Nora would be ecstatic if he stayed longer. Steph might have a field day gloating later on, but it is what it is.

He eyes you cautiously. “Only if you’re sure?” He wants to make sure you are completely on board with this.

“I’m sure.” You nod, nerves knotting through you. It would be the first time he’s been in your house longer than twenty minutes - unless he poked around last night. But he wasn’t really gone long enough for much of that. “Normally when we go home in hospital days, I make chicken noodle soup for dinner. Sound okay?”

"Yeah, that would be—” The buzzing of his phone in his pocket starts driving him crazy, making him pause what was going to be him accepting your invitation. "Hang on for a second." He rolls his eyes when he sees Libby's name on the screen and swipes to accept the call. "Hey Lib, it's too fucking early, what if I was in bed with someone?" He demands with a grin, purely wanting to take the piss out of her.

“If you are it had better be her and that should damn well be the reason you didn’t post the damn picture last night.” Libby has steam pouring out of her ears and it’s practically leaking through the phone. “Everything else and not that one? Come on, Dee!”

"We had an emergency, Lib." Dieter huffs. "Her niece was brought into the ER last night right after we took the picture. We ditched Disney and we've been here all night."

“Is she okay?” Libby might be a bit of a vulture professionally, but she’s not heartless.

"Yeah, now." Dieter looks around as nurses rush around and then back at you. "She had a flare up? Is that what it's called?"

Libby hears you say yes on the other end and smiles victoriously. “You guys are getting along, then?”

"We've...talked things through." He answers while watching you. He's not going to give details because you haven't told him that he could. "Actually just got an invitation for homemade chicken noodle soup."

“Not tonight, I hope?” His manager tsks quietly, almost the sound of teeth against a pen cap. “Dee, please don’t tell me you forgot about the BuzzFeed interview? We need to be generating as much chatter as we can ahead of this new project.”

“Fuck.” Dieter hisses, looking at you with an apologetic look. “No, I forgot all about it. What time is it?”

“It’s at six.” She exhales slowly. Deliberately. Like an annoyed schoolmarm. “Right after your three o’clock style test on the Universal lot.”

“That’s today?” He asks, dismayed. He just got on level ground with you and now he has to ditch. “We can’t do it tomorrow?”

“I already had them reschedule you from a 9am spot so you could sleep in,” she tells him. The distress in his voice makes her wonder if something more than just talking happened, but she’ll get to that later. “You leave for shooting in ten days, Dee. They need this done before you get to set.”

“Fine.” He’s definitely pouting about this, which is ironic considering that a few days ago he couldn’t wait to never speak to you again. “I’ll be there.”

“Good.” Libby’s nod is nearly audible. “Post that picture when we hang up and kiss her goodbye when you leave wherever you are. I want you doing that dopey grin thing you do during the interview. It’ll be adorable on camera.”

“We’re in the hospital still, Lib.” Dieter groans, not even mentioning that the one kiss you have shared was because of the contract.

“Okay?” She clearly doesn’t care, or maybe doesn’t believe him. “Last I checked, kissing in a hospital is not against the law.” Libby chuckles like she’s clever as hell and amused by the whole thing. “If I don’t see that picture in ten minutes, I’ll hound you until it goes up.” She tells him merrily, and apparently that means goodbye because she disconnects the call a second later.

“Fuck.” He rolls his eyes and pockets the phone, wondering if you are going to skin him alive. “I— uh, I have an interview with BuzzFeed and a style test for my new movie. Today.” He explains. “I completely forgot with Nora…”

“That’s…that’s okay.” It would be a lie to claim you aren’t disappointed, but it’s clear that he’s telling you the truth and not making some kind of excuse. You were standing right here, and Libby is not quiet on the phone. “That party is in a couple of days. I’ll see you then.” The fact that you might actually want to see him - or at least talk to him - before that is odd to adjust to.

“Okay.” He ducks his head in acknowledgement. “The party—” he hesitates, especially now that he knows what he knows. “There’s going to be things there, but—” he raises his brows. “We don’t have to go anywhere near it.”

“I appreciate that.” Whatever the circumstances of his sobriety, which is definitely not something to get into right now, you won’t be dabbling at all and you’re grateful that he respects that. “I honestly have no idea what to expect on this one. With dinner or a concert or Disney, I at least had some concept of what I was walking into. The last half dozen or more birthday parties I’ve gone to have been for toddlers.”

He chuckles and reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “It won’t have bouncy houses.” He smirks. “Although that would be fun.”

"I'll just put on whatever Libby sends for me to wear and be ready to go when you show up to get me." You laugh a little, mostly at how ridiculously out of character it is to let someone else dress and order you around. "Soulmate arm candy. That's what Libby wants from me, right?" Not that you would ever dare ask what he wants from you. Not after everything that's happened in the last twenty-four hours.

“Yeah.” He bites his lip. “I never thanked you. For doing this.” He clarifies. “You didn’t have to, and I know that. Even if it was because of me taking care of those bills.” He rolls his shoulders back. “I didn’t do it for that. I hope you know that.”

"I really had no idea why you did it." And you had had to force yourself to stop trying to figure it out after a while because it was driving you completely insane trying to find his ulterior motives. "But...you're welcome. You changed our lives, so I figured putting on some uncomfortable clothes and having my picture taken with you a bunch was kind of...well, I don't know if it was a fair trade. But it seemed like a good way to repay you."

"I didn't want you to repay me." He admits quietly. "I just— I saw them and I know that you both wear your worry and stress in your eyes. I could see it that first time we met."

"You didn't get distracted by all the angry bitching?" You huff at yourself, uncomfortable with the fact that you're actually a bit ashamed of the way you acted that morning. "Steph knew I never would have sent my information into that...that contest or whatever you want to call it. She told me it was a grocery delivery at the door that morning. I had no idea what was happening."

"I'm sorry." He really is sorry about that. He could understand now, given everything why your first words to him were "Fuck you, Bravo!". "I really thought you knew about it."

"We didn't exactly start off well." That, you're certain, is something you can both agree to. But there's a bloom in the middle of your chest that you can't quite quiet. "Hopefully we can start to fix that."

"Yeah." Dieter flashes you a grin. "Hopefully we can without being at each other's throats." He nods towards the room. "Can I go say bye to Squirt? I don't want to just run out."

"Of course." There's no way in hell you're going to bring up the fact that you distinctly heard Libby tell him to kiss you goodbye on the phone. That's a kind of pressure that you absolutely don't want to put into this sort of renewed relationship between you.

"Okay." He's relieved that you believe him and turns around to walk into the room right as the doctor comes out.

"Everything okay?" Steph looks between you, half expecting to see anger, tears, or both after everything that has gone on.

"Yeah." He shakes his head and gives another apologetic look. "I'm just— I forgot I have a meeting, well two meetings today." He explains. "I've got to go home and shower and get ready for that. But, what did the doctor say?"

"As long as she can handle a little bit of breakfast, we'll be home by noon." She's so relieved she could cry. There have been times when Nora has spent several days on end in one of these rooms and she's so grateful that this will not be one of them.

"That's great!" Dieter grins and looks over at where Nora is still obsessing over the Jessie costume he had given her. "Hey Squirt, I'm glad you're doing good. You're gonna be a good girl and eat some breakfast so you can go home and watch Toy Story, right? Be good for momma and Gigi?"

"Yeah!" Nora is clearly feeling better, as she is nearly bouncing on the bed where just a few hours ago she was lying in pain. "Thank you, thank you for the costume, Uncle Deedee!"

"No problem, squirt." He winks at the young girl and walks over to give her a hug. "Now, you be good and I will see you later, okay?"

"'Kay." She hugs him back as fiercely as her little arms can manage, only letting go again so she can jam the red and white hat back on to her head from where it had slipped a little.

He looks over at Steph and then towards you. "Let me know if you need anything." He murmurs before he waits for you to say something.

"We will." You can promise him that honestly, as last night proved that he really will drop everything to help Nora if it's needed. Steph clears her throat a little and gives you the least subtle meaningful look in the world and you feel like melting into the goddamn floor. "I'll walk you to the elevator," you offer, knowing your best friend will shove you out the door after him if you don't go voluntarily. "These halls are like a labyrinth."

"Sure." He doesn't mention that he went outside and smoked last night. Instead, he walks beside you and wonders why you are doing this. Wondering if you had heard Libby and was expecting him to kiss you again.

"It's this way." The awkward silence as you walk down the hall together is deafening, but at least it's better than arguing. "I, um...I'll see you on Saturday, then." Just inviting him to the house arbitrarily seems forced now, and you shove your hands in your pockets as the elevator bank comes into sight.

"I'll see you then." He smirks and presses the button for the elevator to come up to this floor. He looks over at you where you are staring at your hands. Obviously trying to figure out what to say. When the doors open, he steps inside and turns around. He chuckles and gives you a small wink. "Like your top drawer next to the bed." He teases with a waggle of his brows. "Interesting collection."

Your jaw plummets to the ground as the elevator doors close, leaving you standing there completely aghast when he disappears from sight. That son of a bitch was snooping through your toy drawer last night.

______

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My Masterlist!

[minetteskvareninova]

Oo what's the drama with Colin Falconer

I only ever read one book of his, but God was that more than enough. It was about Hürrem sultan... Well, mostly, there's this subplot about this chick named Giulia and guy named Abbas, anyway hon if you ever had trouble with low blood pressure, 10/10 would recommend, otherwise it's not a book for you, in fact I cannot imagine a book less for you if I made it up Goncharov-style. It's basically like Magnificent Century, if it was very much written by a western author and A BILLION TIMES WORSE

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century was a little unfair to Hürrem? In Harem, she's the most evil harlot to have ever been spat onto the face of the Earth by the hell itself. Seriously. Think of any redeeming quality she could have, quick. This Hürrem very pointedly and explicitly does not have it. Her love for Süleyman? Hah! She's been pretending this whole time to make Süleyman her slave! Love for her children? Nope nopity nope! This Hürrem actually lies to Süleyman at her deathbed that Bayezit may not be his son, just so he would kill him, because she wants Selim to take over. Not because she prefers Selim, but because she knows he would be a terrible sultan and destroy the empire she hates so much. Oh, so she's a broken, traumatized kidnapping victim lashing out against her oppressors? Well, I guess, but Falconer downplays this aspect of her character as much as possible, basically only mentioning her feeling "trapped" at the start of the book, just making her seem angry and not at all like she's, you know. Traumatized. So she at least has some empathy towards her fellow slaves? Or anyone else in the entire world??? No! This Hürrem is an absolute evil incarnate, like she does not do a single good thing for anyone else ever, even by accident.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century didn't quite do the justice to Süleyman the Magnificent? In Harem, he's but a pawn in the hands of eeevil Hürrem, who catches every bait, is fooled by every trick and unwittingly helps her fulfill every evil plan of hers. To Falconer's miniscule credit, he does make an effort to kinda, sorta make reader see what Süleyman sees in Hürrem, and at times he's almost an interesting character, but one of the greatest statesmen of the Ottoman history he is not.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century can be a little bleak? Well, In Harem, Colin Falconer has made it his life's mission to prove that he's the edgiest little edgelord, to only be beaten by Tara Gillespie. This book is an excellent example of wannabe gritty realism that ends up saying nothing about real world and not feeling real for a fucking second. Like, just focusing on the harem itself, the life there is presented as miserable, which, fine, we are trying to sympathize with these women... I would say if I didn't have a sneaking suspicion that Falconer lowkey hates, or at least does not particullarly care for the other gender. So what you end up with is an endless parade of suffering women that the narrative doesn't give any dignity, agency or empathy. The only exception is Giulia, whose life of repression and meagre attempts at reclaiming agency would be kinda interesting, if they went literally anywhere, but they don't, because Falconer kinda hates women, but readers even moreso. And don't get me started on the sexualization, because if Minette says you enjoy describing the titties too much you, you definitely enjoy describing the titties too much. Which together with the endless abuse of women just makes this book feel all the more gross.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century has a problem with not being critical enough of the empire? Well, Harem tries that, but then Hürrem is presented as irredeemably evil for trying to ruin the empire and tricking Süleyman into fighting less, which she does not do out of political consideration, even though her arguments make sense and it's probably what IRL Süleyman realized on his own, also saint Mustafa is still there and still as much of a brave soldier destroyed by the evil Hürrem as ever... Basically any effort at critique is demolished as thoroughly as possible by the sheer force of author's hatred for Hürrem.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century has unfortunately left out or underserved some interesting female personalities of the era, like Süleyman's granddaughters or the female buddies of Selim II.? In Harem, Ayşe Hafsa is... Well, there for a portion of the book, basically twiddling her thumbs, which is nice, because at least they can't ruin her. Mahidevran is yet another female victim without agency, just a bit more prominent than the others. Mihrimah is there for one scene, just to establish she hates her husband, have her exposited on by Rüstem and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE. Yeah. Like, fuck, this book almost makes me want to appologize to the Magnificent Century Mihrimah, she's a pretty unlikeable character, but at least she is a character. And Nurbanu? Nurbanu who? We don't know 'dem, and we certainly don't have 'dem over here!

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century was unfair to Selim II.? In Harem, he's a monstrous child rapist in addition to a drunken glutton. Also, no Nurbanu, because fuck you, reader, at this point of the book you really shouldn't have expected anything.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century plays fast and loose with history? Harem can't even get the order of Hürrem's children right. Seriously. For example, Selim is the firstborn in this. Because why pass an opportunity to be pointlessly stupid?

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century is a bit lacking when it comes to medical knowledge? In Harem, an important plot point, by which I mean Selim's conception, hinges on a castrated man conceiving two children with two different women. Like a character in the book explicitly notes that unlike harem eunuchs, guards don't have the entire package chopped off, only balls WELL WHERE DO YOU THINK GAMETES COME FROM, AND YES THEY CAN SOMETIMES STILL HAVE SEX, EVER HEARD OF SHOOTING BLANKS YOU FUCKING GENIUS???

And just in case the things weren't bad enough, there's one final fuck you on the road with the epilogue, which mightily strives to be the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read - for me, a veteran of braindead straight women-oriented porn. Because no BDSM loving billionaire with a sixpack and big schlong can ever top this.

Basically, Falconer is trying to make his wildly historically inaccurate book seem like it's remotely plausible, which, cute, not the first time I've seen a historical novel do that. But at least they weren't trying to justify a man without testicles siring a child... And they didn't do it by claiming that every sultan before Süleyman was this mighty steppe warrior and statesman (after he portrayed Süleyman himself as a dupe completely ensnared by one woman's wicked wiles, again, adorable) and every sultan after him was this lazy, decadent tyrant, often also crazy (because sure, Mahmut II. isn't even in this book, but why the fuck not insult also him for good measure?!), so his argument is that "the line must've been broken". Because the great Süleyman the Magnificent (who again I cannot stress enough how not Magnificent he is in this book) couldn't have possibly sired a failson, his mighty sperm isn't capable of such a feat, it must've been someone else, like A FUCKING EUNUCH.

Now if you excuse me, I've gotten the long-requested review of this heinous book out of my system, please let me either drink myself to death, or detox by watching Good Omens, whichever comes more easily. Thank you and good night.

[vro0m]

"What happened is a real scandal."

Here is a homemade, not so great translation of that VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD Toto interview that I mentioned yesterday.

I’ll put most of it under a cut because it’s long.

Please note that all comments are from the journalist himself and that he is indeed an asshole.

(Source : Le Matin Dimanche, 20.11.22)

Last year, your team felt like they were the victim of a terrible injustice. How can one bounce back from such a situation?

(In perfect French.) Oof, it's a difficult question. (He pauses.) The only way to come back from it is to remember that, after all, it's only sport... The world isn't at stake! But of course, all of us, in the team, we give everything and we all believe in the... "stopwatch's honesty". In Abu Dhabi, the stopwatch wasn't honest. The one who was the fastest (note : Lewis Hamilton) didn't win because of... (Another pause.) Well, the word "mistake" wouldn't be appropriate to describe what happened. It's rather a real scandal. But the worst thing... Was that the entire world, the other teams, the media, everyone decided that that's how it is, and that what had happened, after all, wasn't particularly unacceptable.

What if it was you who had won the title that way?

I think we would have been a lot more humble. We would without a doubt have said that the race gods were on our side that day, but that we understood that it was hard to accept for Red Bull. Whereas last year, on the contrary, the Red Bull people didn't say anything like that. They partied like for a real title won in normal conditions. Frankly, it made our loss even more difficult to digest.

Could such a situation happen again someday?

I don't think so. The situation is much better now, the decisions are taken with more transparency. Everything that has happened around the cost cap affair (note : in which Red Bull has been condemned last month for breaching the budget) showed that the federation now admits its mistakes. Look at what happened with Gasly in Suzuka, the situation has been analysed immediately and the problem corrected (note : when Pierre Gasly found himself on track facing a crane under the Suzuka rain, reminiscent of the accident that caused the death of Jules Bianchi in 2014). Formula 1 needs honest and transparent policemen, and I think it's now the case. I don't believe that what happened in Abu Dhabi could happen again.

Why?

Because that day, several dysfunctions lined up : what the race director did was nonsense, and right after, we filed an appeal with the stewards. They, that night, should have corrected the injustice, that's what they are here for. But, pardon my French, they didn't have the balls to correct the mistake, or to at least send the affair in front of an appeal court. Everyone wanted a champion right away and they decided to confirm the result of the race. Even if it was unfair, and they knew it was.

Do you still think about it?

Always. Every day.

You're leading a 1500 person team. It must sometimes create very difficult challenges...

No, frankly, I don't find my job difficult. I'm at ease, in my comfort zone! Well, there's always decisions to make but that's nothing. You know, in my life, I've known such delicate situations, in my childhood in particular, that this doesn't do anything to me. (Note : his dad suffered from brain cancer and died during his son's teenage years.) This sport, I feel so good in it that I feel no pressure. Of course, being behind the others, like this year, annoys me. But it's a... Let's say positive annoyance. Wanting to beat them excites me.

During the qualifications and the races, when the cameras show you in the garage, you seem impassive. What are you thinking about?

Yes, well, sometimes I react in ways I'm not proud of. (He smiles. He's alluding to the 2021 Saudi Arabian GP, during which he broke his headset in anger.) I try to stay calm and focused. I perceive everything happening around me. It's to stay lucid, to try to manage the best way I can. It's a little bit like a plane pilot : if one panics, one does a bad job. And when I lose my cool, it's when I feel an injustice. When I threw my headset in Jeddah, it was when Verstappen braked right in the middle of the straight and Lewis hit him. I thought our championship chances were lost.

You have a busy life between your Monaco apartment, your Oxford house, your wife who is leading a Formula E team, and your 5 year old son. With next year's 24 grand prix, how will you manage all these lives?

It might look complicated as far as travelling goes, yes. But I have a very stable family situation. My marriage is fantastic, it could not have been better, our organisation is perfect. Monaco is our base, that's where I have my office, where Jack goes to school, where a lady takes care of him when we're gone. But when we're there, we take care of him. As far as personal life goes, I feel on top! At the moment (note : the interview took place in Mexico) Susie and the little one are in Oxford, because there's a school holiday in Monaco. Once I go home, his grandparents will take him camping. He loves it. In the meantime, Susie and I will go to Lisbon for one of our sponsors. Then we will go back to Oxford to get Jack on Sunday and we will be back in Monaco for school. It's our life. We've always done it like this, it runs smoothly.

What regrets do you have?

Oh, a lot! (He laughs.) I could have taken better decisions sometimes in this or that race, details like that. My biggest regret is that my first marriage didn't work. Because happiness for me is spending time with my family. You know, we spend a lot of days together. When I go to a grand prix, it's minimal service. I leave on Thursday and I'm back Sunday night (note : in private jets, it's faster !). The rest of the time, I'm available for my family.

This year, after 8 titles, you will probably end up third in the constructor standings. It must be difficult...

It's a rather complicated situation. (He thinks.) After that much success, it's normal we felt a drop in enthusiasm in our team. Imagine if you celebrated Christmas 8 times a year rather than once. The eighth time, you probably won't be as excited as the first (note : admitting Christmas excites you in the first place). What motivates me, as I said, is precisely trying to get back to winning.

Why didn't it work this year?

We lost because we didn't predict the consequences of the regulation changes that happened this winter correctly (note : with the return of the ground effect). We didn't see the porpoising (note : the bouncing) coming, neither in the wind tunnel, nor in the simulations. It surprised us. For me, it was difficult to see our engineers not understanding what was happening. But to get back on top, the whole team is even more motivated now than during our successful years. Winning in F1, it's only about mastering the laws of physics, there's no mystique in it!

What do you think of the whimsical outfits worn by your driver, Lewis Hamilton ? Do you also sometimes allow yourself some fashion whims?

Mmmh, I have to tell you what happened this summer. (He smiles.) I was in Los Angeles to visit my eldest son, who studies there. That evening, I was in a restaurant with a shirt given to me by Daniel Ricciardo, with a rather fancy design – I love his clothing line. The Mercedes photograph was there, he's an artist. He gave me Oakley glasses, 80's style, took a picture of me and posted it on our Instagram account. Susie called me immediately to tell me I looked like an idiot, that I looked like Borat... All this to say I need to accept that I am a certain age, and so I cannot wear just anything I want like Lewis does! But I try to stay young, at least in my head. And I put hydrating creams on my face, it's an advice from Lewis. I do what he tells me to...

What does Lewis represent for the Mercedes team?

Lewis has an immense place in our team. More than that : he's an integral part of it. And he's going to stay for a long time, believe me. Formula 1 is his life... And we will get that eighth title together!

[tansu-bomb]

The trolley problem: Should you save the world or save one person who (in my opinion) is worth saving?

Naksu has been wronged her entire life — over and over and over again. Everytime she sought happiness and peace for herself, she is thwarted most cruelly.

Jin BuYeon and Jang Uk are the ones who shouldn’t have been borne in the first place but are solely due to Alchemy Of Souls. If balance needs to be restored and if anyone needs to sacrifice & die, it is them both. Not Naksu.

It is so godamn unfair that Naksu is the current symbol / poster card for all that’s wrong about sorcery when it really ought to the ones leading Royal Palace (the late King & even GoWon who made bad choices in the past that he now regrets), Chengbugwan (Jang Gang), Jinyowon (Jin HoGeyong), etc. For far too long, every Daeho institution leader covered up their or other’s flaws to protect their institutions or to protect their coveted positions of power. So what good is it really to save this deeply flawed world. In my opinion, their world’s status quo should be disrupted — for the better.

Therefore, what I really want to see is not only Jang Uk (protecting the one he loves), but the entire Daeho world, rallying to protect Naksu. If the likes of Park Jin & Seo Yul truly care for justice & righteousness, they should fight for her…they should fight to ensure no other suffers the way Naksu did her entire life…they should fight to restore her dignity. Coz it really aches to see just how deeply misunderstood and terribly maligned she is.

In my humble opinion, she is the one worth fighting for…worth protecting. For why should she assume responsibility and self-sacrifice (for the world) when the world not only has done an iota for her but has abused her in multitude of ways. What use is maintaining such a world’s status quo?

Dismantle and rebuild the world. For the better.

More importantly, restore justice.

Jang Uk & Jin BuYeon may choose to save the world with their other-wordly powers (as they should). Naksu may choose to self-sacrifice for the greater good too. But can the world please care for her and fight for her? Is that really too much to ask for?

I don’t care whether AOS will have a happy ending or not. But I want Ep9&10 to be a cathartic experience.