#incontinence awareness

[crippledpunks]

this is your daily reminder to stop being abusive and mean toward people with bladder and bowel issues.

im tired of hearing people mock those who struggle with bladder/bowl control, for people who can't tell when they need to go until it's too late or at all, for people who have uncontrollable voidings and leaking, for people who need to wear incontinence products around the clock, for people who need them influctuating amounts and need different kinds of products, for those who bedwet, for those who can't afford incontinence products so their clothes get dirty- to everyone with bowel and bladder issues.

we are human. we are still people. we are not gross, we are disabled. we are struggling with a disability. if you make cutesy posts about canes and wheelchairs, you need to include people who wear diapers, people who need plastic pants, plastic bedsheets and absorbent bed pads. you need to include people who can't tell when they need to go. people who need/use catheters. people who have colostomy bags. people with stained and dirty clothing. people who have to change their incontinence products in public.

you need to include autistic and ADHD and ND and disabled people who feel unsafe without diapers. you need to include people with spinal injuries and ehlers danlos syndrome and muscular control disorders with need incontinence products and feel safe with them. you need to include people who like their diapers and not just tragic stories where it's never discussed or doesn't negatively impact their life and livelihood.

please include all disabilities in your disability positivity posts, and please be kind and treat all disabled people with respect and humility, including those of us with symptoms you may find "gross".

[secretunicorn]

PLEASE READ AND REPOST THIS

Uk 999

USA 911

[autisticincontinence]

Every time I would have to pause life to go to the restroom, used to feel stress and anxiety over having to hold it in and trying to make it in time. When finally asked my doctor about getting protective underwear, they were polite, understood what wanted, and helped me feel comfortable with advocating for what helps me feel my best. now have a routine for self care that helps keep me clean and happy. AIl had to do was ask for a little help with paperwork along with Medicaid/ insurance and it was taken care of for me!

Advocating for your health does not make you a difficult patient.

[starblaster]

the replies on that post make me so sad. you can have issues with unsanitary things and still learn and accept very simple facts about bodily functions. you should be in-touch with your body, even with the ‘gross’ stuff it does.

[barcodeboyz]

Tw about rape

I hate him. I just pissed myself in a rental car because I couldn’t wait 2 extra minutes. Incontinence is something I’ve struggled with since the rape. Its not my first time pissing myself in front or people but its the first time I did it in front of my parents and I’m fucking mortified. I hate him. He made me this way.

[flowercrowncrip]

Today (July 19th) is Changing Places awareness day!

[Image description: a photo of the changing places toilet with the features listed below /end ID]

What is a changing places toilet?

A changing places toilet is a toilet which can be used by disabled people like me who can’t use a standard accessible toilet. This may be because someone needs extra equipment, and/or room for carers to help them. The main features of the changing places toilet are:

Lots of room! Changing places toilet must be at least 12 square metres. This means that there is plenty of room for a wheelchair user to turn around as well as room for up to 2 carers.

A peninsular toilet! This is a toilet which has enough room on each side were wheelchair to be positioned for transferring. As with standard accessible toilet there are grab rails on each side.

Accessible washbasin! The washbasin must have room underneath for a wheelchair user. An adjustable height washbasin is preferred.

A ceiling hoist! This allows people who cannot transfer independently to be able to safely get out of their wheelchair. A person brings their own sling which is hooked onto the hoist allowing them to be lifted.

An adult size changing table! This allows people need help with undressing to use the toilet, or help changing incontinence pads to have their needs met safely and with dignity. Without a changing table, many people have to resort to lying on the toilet floor to change their pads which is unsafe, undignified and unhygienic.

Why raise awareness?

The lack of changing places toilet means it’s hard for disabled people like me to leave the house. It’s limits our ability to socialise, access work/education, exercise, travel, and even attend hospital appointments. (In the UK there are only 93 hospitals with a registered changing places toilet).

I have to plan my entire life around the few changing places toilet that exist, which massively shrinks my world. It’s incredibly difficult for me to travel (less than 2% of train stations in the UK have a changing places toilet), go days out, visit the hospital, and otherwise experience the world outside my house. Hopefully one day every event like Pride or music festivals will have a mobile changing places toilet, and there will be public changing places toilet with 24/7 access in every town, as well as changing places toilets in public buildings like leisure centres, libraries, museums, cinemas, tourist attractions and shopping centres.

More info including what you can do to help the UK campaigns for more changing places toilets can be found at changing-places.org

[chibidashie]

by the way July is disability pride month, so let's go over some things, shall we?

are you normal about incontinent folk needing aids such as diapers or catheters? if you think they're wearing one for fetish reasons or think they're inherently gross for something they cannot control, you're ableist full stop. stop assuming incontinent people are immediately sexual for having a disability aid! this can be applied for countless other disability aids that have been unfortunately sexualized (especially from people who have no idea what consent is) too!

are you aware about the fact that finding a good therapist can take a really long time, especially in the United States in which healthcare is seen as a privilege and we're still fighting for universal healthcare? if you don't like someone, especially if someone is mentally ill and struggling, stop weaponizing therapy towards them and acting like therapy will cure every mental illness ever instantly. you're not only ableist, but classist when you say "go to therapy" or "seek psychiatric help" towards someone you don't like for something VERY trivial. HEALING. IS. NONLINEAR. there are so many therapists that absolutely suck and will invalidate your struggles and finding the right one that will fit your needs is a literal treasure hunt that can take YEARS.

are you trying to reclaim the r slur? guess what! i hate you! even if you are disabled, you cannot reclaim a slur that people still use as a means to discriminate against intellectually and developmentally disabled folk, and you sound like a conservative dipshit! even if you say you are disabled and "reclaim" it, i do not trust you. a good chunk of people in the disabled community will gladly beat your ass.

are you autistic? if so, are you going to shame other autistics for having autistic traits that you don't have? if yes, you are 100% selfish. even comparing autistics you don't like to people like Chris-chan is also dehumanizing and adding to the stigma that we're dangerous and should be dehumanized and made fun of for having autism! Wow, sounds familiar, huh?

remember this too, that you cannot pick and choose around disability advocacy for your own comfort. Disability advocacy is about unity around all disabilities and we will fight tooth and nail for our rights to be respected and acknowledged. Even if you do not like someone who happens to be disabled and mock their disabili(ties), perhaps you should side with the oppressor with all the infighting you're doing.

(disabled folk feel free to add on, abled folk can reblog!)

[mellowsadistic]

The Succubus - Valentine's Day

A sequel to The Succubus.

***

“Good morning, little cucky,” the monster cooed, peering over the bars of the crib. “Happy Valentine’s Day! Could you hear the grown-ups having their fun earlier, sweetie? I hope we didn’t wake you…”

Debbie glowered at her, all too aware of how ridiculous she must look trying to be intimidating with a pacifier bobbing in her mouth, lying at the bottom of an oversized crib beneath a set of Disney princess bedsheets. Her eyes were red, and there were tears drying on her cheeks as well. She had indeed woken up to the loud sounds of lovemaking coming from her former bedroom.

The Succubus laughed. “Oh dear! Someone’s a very grumpy girl today! Looks like we did wake you after all, huh? I guess you’ll just have to have an extra-long nap this afternoon to make up for it. But right now it’s time to get you up and dressed, little one!” She flung back the princess covers to reveal Debbie’s body, nude but for the thick disposable diaper around her waist.

Debbie slipped out of her crib, her nappy sagging heavily between her legs as she got to her feet. Her bottom lip trembled behind her soother. She’d woken up wet again.

The Succubus reached out, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and put her hand on Debbie’s crotch. Debbie could feel the cold, soggy padding pressing against her pussy. “That’s my little bedwetter,” said the Succubus softly. She slipped a finger past the leak guards, her eyes not leaving Debbie’s face. “Soaked again... Mummy’s poor widdle baby just can’t contwol herself, can she?”  Then she spun her around and pulled out the back of her diaper. “But you’re still not pooping at night.” She turned her back around, smiling horribly. “Don’t worry though. Sooner or later you’ll start waking up stinky.”

Debbie imagined waking up every morning to a yucky mess in the seat of her pants and no memory of how it had got there, and felt sick at the thought. The Succubus wanted her to be fully incontinent. Her horrifying voice power had served to strip Debbie of most of her daytime control, but her commands didn’t work as well when Debbie was sleeping. It had taken weeks of ‘special medicine’ in her baby bottles, but now she was starting to reliably wake up in pissy Pampers. Yet the creature who had stolen her adulthood clearly wouldn’t be satisfied until she was doing the most babyish thing possible in her pants while she slept.

Once her hair was tied up in pigtails, frilly socks had been pulled over her feet, and she was dressed in a pale pink frock that failed to reach past the drooping, discoloured seat of her nappy (her overnight diaper was never changed before she made her morning poo-poo), Debbie was ready to head downstairs for breakfast. Mealtimes had been bad enough from the start, when the demon liked to cram her body inside a tight highchair, tie a bib around her neck, and feed her jar after jar of bland, mushy baby food – but things had become even worse ever since she’d realised there was another, better way to feed her ‘baby girl’.

They headed into the living room rather than the kitchen once they’d gone down the stairs, to find John lounging in an armchair having just finished his breakfast. His empty tray was sitting on a table beside him.

“Go and kiss Daddy good morning,” said the Succubus, patting Debbie’s diapered bottom to send her on her way.

Debbie hurried over to her husband. She wasn’t really allowed to kiss him, she knew. Instead she pressed the shield of her binky briefly against his cheek and let him pat her on the head. “Good morning, pretty princess,” he cooed, and Debbie’s heart did a little flutter despite herself.

She turned around and felt her stomach roll, as it always did, at the sight of the Succubus sitting on the sofa with her large, heavy tits out of her top. A droplet of milk was glistening on the end of one of her nipples. “Come to Mummy, baby,” she said seductively, her dark eyes burning like coals. “Time for your feeding.”

Debbie toddled to the sofa, diaper crinkling noisily, and lay herself across the monster woman’s lap. It had taken a while for her milk to come in, but now she produced enough that Debbie had three meals a day from her boobs, supplemented in the evenings by oatmeal and store-bought baby food. With a wet pop, the Succubus removed the dummy from her mouth and guided her lips slowly towards her waiting breast, clearly savouring the look of revulsion on her victim’s face.

Debbie felt the warm nipple enter her mouth, and her lips closed around it and began to suckle instinctively, enthusiastically, against her will. Hot, creamy breastmilk ran down her throat at once. It had a rum-like sweetness to it that wasn’t entirely unpleasant, but no matter how hard she tried, Debbie couldn’t ignore the fact that she was guzzling milk from another woman’s tits. It didn’t help that the Succubus cooed to her in a sickening sweet voice while she fed.

“Good girl, Debbie! Drink up all your milkies, that’s a good baby. Isn’t it yummy-wummy? Straight from Mummy’s boobies to baby’s belly.”

The milk seemed endless, and Debbie’s stomach already felt full to bursting when she was moved onto the second breast. But she knew better than to try and fight. That would just make the creature use that cold, awful voice, and Debbie would simply end up doing as she was told anyway. She may even earn herself a spanking to boot. At last she finished her breakfast, and after being briefly burped with her head over the Succubus’s shoulder, the monster kissed her on the forehead, shoved her pacifier back between her lips, and got up. “Time for Mummy to have her breakfast too,” she said, her eyes sparkling. “I think pancakes sound tasty. You stay here and behave yourself, okay sweetie?” And she left Debbie sitting on the sofa feeling heavy and tired, with her tummy full to the brim with breastmilk.

But Debbie knew she had a rare opportunity. It wasn’t often that the Succubus left her alone with her husband. John was still in his armchair, reading the paper, and the moment the demon left the living room, Debbie got off the sofa and waddled over to him as fast as she could. She could feel the milk sloshing around in her stomach. John looked up from his paper at the sound of her rustling diaper just as she reached him. Pushing aside his newspaper, her gaze fixed on his handsome face, Debbie clambered into her husband’s lap and straddled one of his legs. She bounced impatiently on his knee, and John wrinkled his nose at the pee-pee smell, but he chuckled indulgently all the same. “Do you want a horsey-ride, little missy?”

“Yes please,” Debbie whispered breathily, her soother falling from her mouth and dangling on the end of its chord. It had been over two weeks since she’d last had the opportunity for a ‘horsey-ride’ on his lap, but she felt that if the two of them could just have something resembling an intimate moment today, on Valentine’s Day, it would somehow undo the Succubus’s brainwashing and make John see her as a woman again.

John raised his eyebrow at her.

“Yes please, Daddy,” she corrected, hating the monster that had done this to her loving husband.

John nodded, satisfied, and started to bounce his knee. “Horsey, horsey, don’t you stop,” he sang, “just let your feet go clippety-clop!”

Debbie suppressed a moan of pleasure as her padded pussy was pressed hard against his knee with each bounce. If she closed her eyes and ignored the singing, if she pressed her body against his chest and pretended her pants weren’t full of pee-pee, she could almost pretend that they were making love.

“Your tail goes swish and your wheels go round!”

Her clit was pulsing delightfully. She could feel herself getting closer and closer to orgasm. She was so desperate these days. She was almost there… She was right on the edge…

“Giddy up, we’re homeward bound!”

“I think that’s enough of that!” came the Succubus’s amused voice, and Debbie felt arms loop around her middle and lift her effortlessly off her husband’s knee.

“Noooo!” she shrieked, kicking her legs and humping the air desperately. Her pussy was spasming, tantalisingly close to relief. “No! No! No!”

Her feet hit the floor and there was a sharp smack on her bottom. “Aren’t you a lucky girl, getting to play on Daddy’s lap for a bit!” the demon crooned darkly. She swatted Debbie’s bottom again. “But settle down now, babykins. You can’t play horsey forever, and Daddy doesn’t want you rubbing your disgusting, piss-soaked diaper all over him.”

“Pleeeease…” Debbie begged, tears welling up in her eyes. She pressed her hand against the front of her nappy and started to rub. She couldn’t stop herself. She needed release.

“Bad girl, Debbie!” the Succubus scolded, pushing her hands away from her crotch. “Is that what Mummy’s taught you to do when you’re feeling naughty tingles in your no-no spot?”

Debbie whined. She clenched her fists at her sides and bounced on the spot. Her pussy was so achy. She hated asking, hated what it involved, but it was the only time the Succubus ever allowed her to orgasm. Most of the time the monster refused her. But occasionally, just frequently enough, she’d say yes.

“Mummy…” Debbie said through gritted teeth. “Please can I have sex?”

“Keep going, baby,” the Succubus said, her eyes glittering maliciously. “Ask properly.”

“I know… I know I’m too silly and little for real sex,” said Debbie, glaring at the floor, “but I want to play pretend. Please can I have sex with my teddy bear?”

The Succubus ran her fingers through one of Debbie’s pigtails, considering, letting the silence drag on. “Yes you may, baby,” she said finally. “Go get teddy.”

Debbie rushed over to the toybox that sat in the corner of the room and pulled out an enormous teddy bear, disentangling him from some of her dress-up clothes. But she’d only gone two steps back towards the Succubus when she stopped dead. For a moment, she couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Then a soft grunt escaped her lips. Her knees began to bend, and she found herself sinking into an uncontrollable squat. Tears spilled down her cheeks. “No…” she sobbed.

“Uh-oh!” sang the Succubus, and Debbie could hear the grin on her face. “Looks like it’s time for someone’s morning whoopsies!”

John laughed. “I’m just glad she waited until she was out of my lap!”

Debbie let out a loud, unladylike grunt, following by another sob, and then she got to work pushing last night’s din-dins into her pants. Her diaper drooped even lower beneath the hem of her frock as a heavy, smelly mess dropped into the back. Her face was scrunched up as though she was straining with all her might to make as big of a poo-poo as she possibly could in her Pampers, although the truth was that she was quite out of control of her own body. Her nappy sagged again as she dumped another load into it, accompanied by a fresh wave of wee-wee, so that her baby pants hung so heavily between her thighs they were halfway down to her knees. Then, with a final grunt, Debbie straightened up.

“Mummy…” she whimpered. “Please can I have a change before… before…”

The Succubus’s face was as full of delight as Debbie’s was with horror. She approached the quivering baby woman like a predator. “No, little one,” she said, her tone mocking. “If you want your special rub-rubs today then you have to have them now, in your dirty diaper.” She shoved Debbie’s dummy back between her lips, took her by the hand, and led her over to the centre of the room. “Put teddy down here,” she said, pointing at the floor. Arms trembling, Debbie did as she was told. She felt sick with shame, but even with the horrible, babyish mess in her pants, her pussy was still burning needily. “Good girl,” said the monster, flushed with arousal. “Now you can have sex with teddy, and I can have sex with your husband.” She looked over at John. “Ready for round two?” she asked, smirking.

John grinned back and started to undo his belt as his lover strutted over to him, stripping off her clothes as she went. Meanwhile Debbie lowered herself gently to the floor, on top of her teddy bear. She nearly gagged when the poop in her diaper squished against her bottom, but she was almost too horny to care. The first thrust against teddy sent a wave of pleasure coursing through her body, and she couldn’t stop herself moaning like a slut. She heard John and the Succubus laugh, but she kept going, grinding her aching, diaper-clad pussy against her bear, picking up speed. But then she made the mistake of looking up, and although she didn’t stop humping, Debbie started to wail at the sight of the demon riding her husband’s cock. She was straddling his lap, bouncing up and down on his manhood with her head thrown back in ecstasy. “Oh, oh, ohhh!” she moaned.

Debbie felt her orgasm getting closer and closer, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the nightmare happening before her. She sucked frantically on her binky and went cross-eyed as she thrust against her teddy bear, her head dizzy with need. She was right on the edge. And then she was over it, she was cumming in her stinky, sopping wet diaper – and as she did, the Succubus looked over her shoulder with an evil smile and whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby girl…”

[crippledpunks]

shoutout to every person who deals with incontinence. i dealt with bedwetting up until my early teens, and now deal with stress and urge incontinence and for years never wanted to talk about it because of the shame and stigma other people place on not being able to control your bladder or bowel movements.

incontinence is a disability. it's not gross or wrong to talk about incontinence. incontinent people are not dirty or disgusting. if we could control these parts of our body, we would. we're not an inconvenience for being this way, and we don't have to be treated like a burden or like we need to be "fixed".

whether or not you use incontinent products like briefs, pads, diapers, plastic bed sheets, or whatever else, you are loved, important, and deserved to be seen when there are conversations about disability awareness and acceptance. we don't deserve to hide in shame when all we need is to be accommodated and accepted.

[finsubbybedwetter]

Good afternoon, please have a seat. I am an administration officer acting under the authority of the Male Reproductive Rights Reform Act. You are here today to receive official notice that your MRRRA standing has been lowered to Restricted/Developmentally-impaired in response to the recent update in your medical history.

Please confirm for the record that you recently reported a bedwetting episode to you doctor. Thank you. I presume that you were not aware that male adult bedwetting has recently been reclassified as a prohibitive developmental impairment. Yes, we are aware that you only reported a single incident. However, as your medical records indicate that you experienced frequent bedwetting throughout your teens, we consider this episode to be indicative of relapse into chronic, habitual bedwetting, which is grounds for immediate corrective action.

You have been enrolled into the Adult General Urinary Incontinence Correction Program at a male remedial facility. More commonly referred to informally as the toilet training program. Yes, we understand that you have no history of full incontinence, but as bedwetting was only recently recognized as a prohibitive condition, we do not currently have a remedial program more specific to your needs. Also, studies have shown that daytime wetting is disproportionately common and often under-reported in bedwetters. We believe this program will be a good fit for you.

You will undergo corrective therapy and continuous assessment over a six week period. The corrective component of the program consists of hypnotherapy and severe negative reinforcement. You will be diapered at all times during your stay at the facility, and fitted with a moisture-sensing alarm to ensure accurate record keeping of wetting incidents for assessment and disciplinary purposes. I believe you had some experience with this kind of alarm in your teens so this should be quite familiar to you. Yes, you will be diapered at all times, not only for bed. Please understand that program rules do not permit us to make any exceptions for your case.

Bathroom visits will be restricted to a fixed schedule and fluid intake will be managed to ensure that you receive an accurate assessment. In order to keep our assessment false positive rate within MRRRA guidelines, the bathroom schedule and fluid intake minimums have been tuned to be challenging for an adult male with average bladder control and extremely challenging for impaired individuals such as yourself. We have also found that stressing program participants in this way boosts the efficacy of the negative reinforcement component of the program.

At the conclusion of the program, your assessment results will be reviewed by committee and you will be prescribed assessment outcomes. Outcomes vary widely. The more severe outcomes include permanent revocation of reproductive rights, castration, gender reassignment, and in instances involving developmental impairment such as yours, revocation of legal adulthood.

Should you receive a favorable assessment, your standing will be lifted to Qualified-unrestricted/Developmentally-impaired. Yes that's correct - your diagnosis as an adult bedwetter is permanent and thus will be reflected in your public record regardless of assessment result. A favorable assessment only indicates that you are not currently experiencing symptoms. Also, please be aware that current and future employers and sexual partners, if any, will be notified of your condition. Though, having seen your file it looks like you won't need worry about that second part..

That concludes this proceeding. When you leave this office you will be escorted to the facility for induction. Your assessment period has already begun. I hope I don't have to tell you that any non-compliance will reflect extremely poorly.

Alright, now that that's done and we're off the record, I can finally be honest with you. You're fucked. I've sent dozens of pissy-pants virgins just like you through this program, and you know what? You losers always come out more pathetic than you went in. Right now you're just a bedwetter, but in six weeks time you're going to be a stuttering, subservient, diaper-dependent sissy. You want my advice? Don't fight it. Forget about "favorable assessment". Forget about ever losing your virginity. Think of this as six weeks to adjust to your new life.

[dailymanners]

Please be kind and respectful to friends and strangers alike who are struggling with incontinence or other bladder issues.

If you see someone urgently waiting to use the restroom and you are able to wait, let them go ahead in the queue. They will be grateful!

If you see someone trying to cover the back of their pants, or someone with a stain on their clothes, now is not the time to draw attention to them and giggle about it with friends. Chances are, they are aware, already mortified, and trying to be as unseen as possible.

Do not exaggeratedly wave your hand in front of your mouth and nose and make gagging/“grossed-out” noises if someone has an accident in front of you. This makes an already embarrassing moment downright humiliating, and is not helpful for anyone involved.

Please do not equate incontinence to moral “dirtiness”, lack of intelligence, or being a bother on purpose. These things cannot be prevented. Our bodies are not doing this because we want them to. In addition, I, the submitter, deal with incontinence as the physical result of childhood sexual abuse, which already has enough stigma of feeling “dirty” attached to it.

Remember that there are many reasons someone might have an accident in public. No matter the reason, everyone deserves dignity.

[birdofmay]

Whenever I see the discourse about disability stalls I'm like "You guys didn't have your physical disability all your life and it shows" because I've been using the disability stall all my life and therefore have seen people entering or coming out of it all my life. It's not a philosophical question for me, it's just a normal fact. I KNOW who uses the disability stall.

I know that it's different when you have a progressive disability or suddenly became physically disabled/impaired as a teen or adult and were told "This is for wheelchair users" all your life and then later learned "Alright, it's also ok for cane users" and then at some point "Well, some people need a hook for their stoma, they're allowed too." You have to constantly adjust your "worldview" about for whom disability stalls are made then.

But whenever I need to pee and someone with no visible disability aids and no carer leaves the bathroom, we just nod in passing and that's it.

And if there's a long queue, those with incontinence who need to change so that they don't stay wet for a long time are let go first. Or those who let us know that it's really very urgent for whatever reason. No questions asked.

When I first realised that this is a real discourse on here I was so confused because I wasn't aware that people who weren't "significantly" disabled all their life have different opinions on that. It's as if you've been crossing the street when the light is green all your life, and suddenly people argue that this light is only for people in green clothes because the "man" is green. And then they say that alright, it's also ok for others as long as you have the shape of the "green man", i.e. don't wear skirts. And later they agree that animals are ok too, as long as they accompany a human.

And you just look at them, absolutely confused, because you learned that it's for those who want to cross the street safely, nothing more nothing less.

Maybe it started because some of us were complaining about people who can use a normal toilet misusing the disability stall. But that doesn't mean "Leave if your disability isn't obvious", it means "Stop occupying the only toilet we can use for your lunch break."

If you can't use a normal toilet, or if the normal toilets are inaccessible/are unsafe, use the disability stall. But please use it only for things it's made for.

That's it. That's really it.

If you're blind and the public toilets are inaccessible, use the disability stall; especially if you can't hear your white cane in crowded public toilets. The sinks usually have sensors, so you don't have to touch too much dirt or accidentally get water all over you. Use the handrails for orientation and balance. You have access to the complete roll of toilet paper, not just one or two strips. You won't accidentally scratch your hand on dispensers.

As long as you only use it for things it's made for, use the disability stall. Just make sure that people who may need it more can go first. How? Just ask.

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

CYOA C46 Longer Snippet

It might be a while before I can get chapter 46 updated because I'm not feeling particularly well or energised lately, but I did get one scene fully edited to a standard that I'm happy with so the least I can do is share that with you guys while you wait. I've shared a section of this already but changes have been made.

Anyway, check under the cut if you fancy it!

Private WhatsApp Chat Resumed: Saturday 5th March, 2022, 07:53 Members: James Potter, Remus Lupin

================================

James Potter: is there a tribunal you can report employers to when they go out of their way to set employees up with random celebrities who for all we know could be high-ranking members of all sorts of illuminati-run sacrificial sex cults?

Remus Lupin: What on earth are you talking about?

James Potter: andrew garfield hasn't even WON an oscar remus he lost out to casey affleck CASEY AFFLECK how bad does a man have to be to be the most problematic brother in a family that includes ben affleck, remus?!!!

Remus Lupin: Right.

James Potter: he lost out to a man who has been ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT, REMUS if that's not proof that he's a talentless hack I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

Remus Lupin: In defence of Andrew Garfield, I don't think that's a fair assessment of the situation.

James Potter: and what about the cults the illuminati cults what of the cults, remus? don't try to claim they don't exist i've spent time in la in tinseltown el pueblo i've seen that city's seedy underbelly in the flesh

Remus Lupin: I say this with love; if you ever happened to find yourself in the seedy underbelly of any city, you'd shit your pants.

James Potter: i would not shit my pants i'd be uncomfortable but i'm not incontinent and aren't you supposed to be on my side?

Remus Lupin: I am on your side, but you have a tell when you deflect your anger to the wrong target, and it's pretty much what you're doing now. You know that your mother wouldn't hurt you on purpose, and Andrew Garfield, poor as his timing was, certainly didn't do anything wrong. Neither of them are the actual problem. If you want to talk about the actual problem, I'm all ears, but I can't help you with things that don't need fixing.

James Potter: i should have had him assassinated when i had the chance

Remus Lupin: You never had the chance.

James Potter: i could have had the chance my parents have money

Remus Lupin: They have money, not mafia money.

James Potter: they might do you don't know my mum can be pretty shifty

Remus Lupin: Mate.

James Potter: no i know did you see your girlfriend's instagram post?

Remus Lupin: I didn't know you were following her?

James Potter: i don't, but i've been checking her posts in case lily showed up in any of them and please don't lecture me about how sad that is i'm aware

Remus Lupin: I have no intention of lecturing you. I saw her post, yeah.

James Potter: so you'll know

Remus Lupin: Know what?

James Potter: that she's not upset

Remus Lupin: Lily?

James Potter: yeah

Remus Lupin: You can't really believe that.

James Potter: yeah i do believe it in fact i don't think she ever was upset

Remus Lupin: I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to what you're saying, except to say that I simply don't think that's true.

James Potter: no no it is true she's not upset at all, she doesn't care about how i'm doing or how it would make me feel to see those photos if she did she wouldn't have let beatrice post them, would she? well?

Remus Lupin: I don't know, I don't think she's curating Beatrice's posts.

James Potter: she doesn't care that i'm stuck here dying for love of her, does she? because she's in fucking paris with her champagne or her baguettes or whatever else they eat over there escargot cheeses and shit she's laughing and posing for photos with a famous actor's arm around her waist as if everything is dead brilliant all of a sudden sorry remus but that's not what upset people DO

Remus Lupin: That's what a lot of upset people do. To save face.

James Potter: but SHE doesn't do that! not with me, never with me, we've always said we'd be honest

Remus Lupin: Maybe that's true, but she doesn't really have you at the moment.

James Potter: i'm right here! i'm not the one who cut her off and i'm not the one who thought we needed a break from each other that was HER, that was all her idea, i've been waiting for her like a dickhead for four days and she hasn't said a word but hey! she's over it! partying with celebrities! now that she's met andrew fucking garfield she's all cheered up and enjoying herself so good for her i guess was he all it took for her to stop giving a shit about me? she doesn't even KNOW him he is LITERALLY just some guy!

Remus Lupin: That's exactly what he is, just some guy who she will never see again after last night, and his meeting her doesn't suddenly mean that she no longer cares about you, or that she isn't upset about your fallout. I have it on good authority from Beatrice and from Lily herself that this isn't the case. In the grand scheme of things, Andrew Garfield doesn't matter.

James Potter: you'll eat your words when it comes out that they fell in love last night i saw his hand on her hip

Remus Lupin: His hand was on her hip because they were posing for a photo.

James Potter: yeah and they're probably sneaking off to some romantic parisian hotspot right now having sex on the eiffel tower

Remus Lupin: What, in front of the tourists?

James Potter: don't laugh at me

Remus Lupin: I'm not laughing. She's not with Andrew Garfield. She's been with Beatrice all day.

James Potter: then he had a prior engagement and they've exchanged numbers and they've been texting at every available second same difference

Remus Lupin: That isn't going to happen.

James Potter: it already happened why wouldn't it happen? why wouldn't he want her? the casey affleck thing aside, i'm sure he's not totally useless

Remus Lupin: It hasn't happened because the hold she has over you is not universal, much as you might believe otherwise. And because Beatrice told me what happened. They chatted sporadically throughout the evening, took a few photos and that was it.

James Potter: maybe beatrice is lying to you because lily doesn't want me to know the truth

Remus Lupin: Why wouldn't she want you to know the truth?

James Potter: because she's figured out how i feel about her and she's trying to let me down easy

Remus Lupin: Given what happened with Skylar, I doubt that she has.

James Potter: please don't mention skylar i regret everything about skylar and you might doubt, but lily's smart enough to get to the bottom of it

Remus Lupin: I think, in this case, that you might be hampered by your understanding of your side of the story. Which Lily has not been let in on. Just try to remember that you don't know hers either. Nor will you, until you talk to her.

James Potter: she doesn't want me to talk to her

Remus Lupin: She probably thinks that you don't want to talk to her.

James Potter: she's the one who asked for a break

Remus Lupin: After you started an argument. Which I don't blame you for, in case you ask me for the twentieth time. But she's had a few days to process it all now, and Beatrice says she's calmed down. Talk to her, and if she doesn't respond you will be no worse off than you are now.

James Potter: if she doesn't respond i'll be much worse off if she doesn't respond it's the end of everything

Remus Lupin: Even if it is, at least you'll know.

James Potter: even you wouldn't be this pragmatic if you were walking in my shoes right now

Remus Lupin: You're right, I have no defence for myself. The only thing I can do is advise you in the way I think best.

James Potter: heavy is the foot that wears the air jordan, i suppose

Remus Lupin: That's odd. Sirius said that you were more of a Crocs man nowadays.

James Potter: i have never bought crocs

Remus Lupin: He said you bought two pairs of Crocs

James Potter: fine, i'm going to drown him in the bath

*

He isn't doing well.

Sure, James has devilry enough inside him to chuck a vengeful mug of cold water over Sirius while he's lounging in the bath, and laugh loudly at the subsequent, Jaws-like thrashing (he never bought those Crocs! Merely considered it!) but in general…

Yeah. He isn't doing well.

[daddyelliott1979]

Having your baby work for you!

It's been a minute since I have posted mine and @squirtdaboi adventures, but I can assure you that they have been continuing!

He now works for me in my shop, and of course like any good daddy I keep him padded, which means lots of fun changes and cute moments!

And aside from keeping him padded I also keep him low key dressed little!

This was me picking him up from the station and getting him into a more appropriate looney toons hoodie!

Next up there's those all important nappy changes! He was a very soggy boy this day!

And of course the cheeky little monkey decided to flash his padding after I put him on the train home!

The important message here is just because he's around other colleagues in the work place doesn't mean he's not still Daddy's little boy. And definitely doesn't mean he's not padded - we wouldn't want any puddles now would we!

As for how we manage this around my other staff, well they are aware of our relationship, they are aware of his sensory issues so sometimes we need to go off to my work room for some chill time. One of my employees is aware that Riley is incontinent but not that he's my little!

And of course we are discreet!

Keeping him padded keeps him happy and keeps him calm which in my opinion is super important!

Plus more opportunities for changing him which we both love!

[mama-scarebear]

Imagine hypnotizing me into becoming incontinent. One day, as a joke of course, you say you want to try hypnotizing me, and I agree bc hypnotism isn't real, and even if it is, the rule is you can't hypnotize someone into doing something they don't want to do, right? So I agree and sit in front of you as you take out a pendant on a thin chain and start to swing it back and forth, back and forth in front of my eyes. I giggle at first because it's so cliche, but my eyes don't stop tracking the movement of the pendant, back and forth, back and forth, and your voice is such a pleasant hum in my ear that I find my eyes drooping. After what seems like no time at all to me, suddenly I snap back to awareness. "Sorry, I zoned out for a second there" I say, "I guess it didn't work"

Later, we go to bed, and for the first time since I was child, in my sleep I wet the bed. I wake up in the puddle, so embarrassed I almost start to cry, but you comfort me, saying these things happen all the time and it was just an accident, and it was probably just a one off. You help me get cleaned up and change the sheets and we go back to bed. You're probably right, it was probably just a one off.

Except it happens again the next night. And the night after that. The night after that though, before going to bed, you tell me that you're tired of waking up in a puddle of piss, and as a precaution, you think I should wear some protection, and you pull a fluffy, adult-sized but childishly patterned diaper from behind your back.

Firstly you do know that rule isn't real right? I've made plenty of girls do things they otherwise wouldn't when under my influence. Now as for making you incontinent... if I did you wouldn't just be wetting the bed sweetness. I don't half ass these things. I'd take away all your potty training. You'd realize soon after when you feel the need to pee or worse and when you get up instinctively you only get met with confusion as you don't know why you stood up. You feel uncomfortable though and soon you figure out why and just push it all out. None the wiser of what a terribly embarrassing act you've just done. The question then becomes how long until I give you diapers. How many times will you unknowingly embarrass yourself before I get bored. Bedwetting would be the least of your concerns silly little darling. You'll be far too busy changing your messy panties.

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Darkness Declares Glory | Chapter 21 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary - after another bad dream and an altercation with Luke, Spencer shuts down completely and his rehabilitation gets put on hold. You receive a phone call and before you know it you’re pulled right into the thick of it.

A/N - I did some research on catatonic states and some people have reported they were completely aware of what was going on around them and understood what was happening but couldn’t get themselves to move/speak.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - dark angst | smut | eventual happy ending.

Warnings - mentions of reader x Luke in a dream, vague mentions of penetrative sex and handjobs, gun violence, swearing, Spencer’s paranoia, incontinence, catatonic states, medication, mentions of major depressive disorder.

WC - 5k

Chapter 21 - Leave it All Behind

When he opened his eyes he was standing outside a very familiar door. He blinked a few times trying to ascertain how he’d found his way here. But before he gave himself time to think it through, he was reaching for the handle and letting himself inside. 

His apartment was in a state of disarray, the way he remembered leaving it. A destructive trail of torn books, broken porcelain and clothes led from the front door to the bullet ridden couch. His gun was sitting on the coffee table. 

He approached it, popped open the chamber and discovered one bullet nestled inside. He flicked it closed and went to holster it in the back of his slacks but suddenly a sound entered his ears. 

His eyes shot towards the noise, coming from the partially open bedroom door. A soft light emanated from the room, but it was the sounds that were particularly disconcerting. 

He gripped the firearm, pointing it in front of him as he took a few cautious steps towards the room. The closer he got, the more he was able to discern what the noises were. 

Heavy pants and soft moans carried between the crack in the door. Spencer’s stomach coiled into thick knots and his grip tightened on the gun. He crept up to the door and pushed it open with a shaky hand. 

There you were on the bed, his bed. Your naked body was on top, head back and mouth open as another pleasurable moan left your lips. Strong hands gripped your hips to steady you as you moved on top of the other body you were obscuring. 

Gun still poised, Spencer moved around the bed to get a better view of the person beneath you and his blood turned to ice in his veins at the sight of the dark hair against his pillow and strong frame laying on his mattress. 

Luke Alvez had his eyes closed, moaning and panting as you rode him. His fingers were digging into your sides, firm chest heaving with his breaths. Your breasts bounced in that magnificent way he remembered so well. But not for Luke, this wasn’t right. 

“Aye, cariño that feels so good.” He moaned, his grip tightening on you. 

“Oh god, Luke!” You practically screamed. 

Spencer’s hand trembled as he raised the gun, pointing the barrel towards Luke’s face which was contorted in pleasure. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Spencer growled, forcing Luke’s eyes to open and your gaze to land on him.

“Oh, hey Spence.” You smiled, continuing to move up and down on Luke. 

“Just give a sec, Reid. We’re almost done. Are you close, angel?” Luke panted, neither of you seemingly noticing he was holding a weapon.

“So close.” 

“You don’t get to call her that!” Spencer spat, proffering the gun closer to Luke before turning to you and grabbing your shoulder. “Get off of him.” 

Spencer yanked you forcibly until you fell to the bed next to Luke. You glared at him with a frown while Luke shook his head. 

“What are you doing?” You grumbled in frustration. 

“What am I doing? What are you doing?” Spencer turned the gun on you but again you didn’t seem to notice.

“I was kinda doing Luke. I thought that was obvious.” You rolled your eyes. 

“Come here, angel. Ignore him.” Luke moved you back by your shoulders and quickly attached his lips to yours. 

You rolled back on top of him as you kissed him, hands running through Luke’s messy hair. 

“Don’t call her that!” Spencer yelled. “And get off of her!” 

He grabbed you by the shoulder again, pulling you off of Luke once more and you looked at him in impatience and annoyance.

“I don’t belong to you, Spencer.” You spat. “Luke is a good guy. He’s not a junkie like you. We’re going to be together whether you like it or not.”

“Get over it, Reid. You had your chance.” Luke scoffed. 

“I swear to god if you touch her again I will kill you.” He held the gun closer to Luke but Luke simply chuckled. 

“Or you could do us all a favour and turn that on yourself.” Luke smirked.

“Nobody cares about you Spencer. We’d all be better off if you were dead.” You clucked in agreement.

Spencer softened, his poised hand faltering and his arm holding the gun dropped to his side.

“What? Don’t say that.” He croaked, looking at you sadly. 

“It’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?” You shrugged, Luke’s arm snaking around your waist. 

“Of course it isn’t.” His lip quivered. 

“Spencer, man, listen.” Luke pulled an unamused face. “You’re seriously cock blocking me right now, so can we do this another time?” 

“Yeah, I’d really like to finish what we started here.” You giggled and Spencer noticed one of your hands dipping beneath the bed sheet. 

Luke’s eyes soon rolled shut and he moaned as your hand started moving up and down beneath the sheet. 

“Fuck that feels good, Y/N. Don’t stop.” He pulled you closer and kissed you again.

“Not gonna stop, not gonna stop until you come, Luke.” You mumbled against his lips. 

Spencer clenched his jaw, raising his arm again as he moved closer to the bed. He pressed the muzzle of the gun to Luke’s temple but the older man didn’t seem to feel it. 

“Stop this right now or I will shoot your fucking brains out.” He growled, finger coiling around the trigger.

“Angel, I’m so fucking close.” Luke muttered to you, as if not hearing Spencer. 

“Come for me, Luke.” You replied and Spencer noticed your movement beneath the sheet growing more rigorous. 

Pushing the muzzle firmly against the side of Luke’s face, his finger tightened around the trigger until he pulled it all the way back. The gun clicked but no bullet fired. 

He frowned, pulling the trigger five more times in quick succession but still nothing happened. There were six chambers, one bullet. Something should have happened. Lost in his confusion, he didn’t notice Luke now looking at him and soon it was too late as he found the weapon being plucked from his grasp. Luke sat up and turned the weapon on him. 

“You asked for this.” He cocked the gun, a menacing smile on his lips. “Goodbye, Spencer.” 

“Enjoy eternal nothingness.” You laughed.

Then Luke pulled the trigger and Spencer registered a loud bang and a flash of light before he was sent flying by a bullet entering in the centre of his forehead. 

And he swore as he took his final breath he heard you both laughing. 

***

Despite his revelation of wanting to get help for the sake of his friends, in the morning light, Spencer felt very different about the situation. Maybe it was the extremely vivid dream he’d had that had left him in a particularly argumentative mood, or maybe it was because he’d do just about anything for a hit right now. Either way, he felt especially belligerent this morning. 

The last person he wanted to see was Luke, so when the door to his hospital room opened and the older man walked in, Spencer rolled his eyes and looked away from him. 

“Look,” Luke spoke as soon as the door was closed behind him. “I’m not going to apologise for the things I said yesterday. I am sorry for how I said them, but I stand by what I said. They were things you needed to hear.” 

“Whatever.” Spencer huffed like a child and folded his arms across his chest, staring at the wall. 

“The doctor is going to assess you today and with any luck we’ll be able to drive you up to Virginia this afternoon.” Luke continued despite Spencer’s lack of attention. 

Suddenly his eyes tore off the wall and landed on him and Luke could feel the rage spilling out of them, directed solely at him. 

“Are you sleeping with her?” He barked angrily. 

“With who?” Luke frowned in confusion. 

“Y/N.” Spencer spat like it was obvious, causing Luke to start laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re making a joke, right?” Luke chuckled with a shake of his head. 

“I most certainly am not.” Spencer huffed again. 

Luke curbed his laughter and frowned again at Spencer’s accusation. 

“You think I’m…I went to visit her twice. I’m just being friendly.” Luke sounded incredulous. 

“How friendly exactly?” 

“Jesus Christ.” Luke groaned. “I am not sleeping with Y/N. I can’t even believe you’d think that.” 

“It’s why you want to have me committed right? To get me out of the way so you can have her all to yourself.” 

“Spencer,” Luke softened. “You’re being paranoid.” 

“Am not.” He pouted. 

“Yes man, you are. Y/N needs a friend, I thought I was doing you both a favour. But it’s going to piss you off, I won’t see her again.” Luke wasn’t sure that was strictly true. He could easily see you without telling Spencer. But he wanted to placate the younger man. 

“Do what you want.” Spencer grumbled. “I don’t give a shit.” 

“That’s the spirit.” Luke replied sarcastically. “So on a scale of one to ten, how difficult are you gonna make this assessment?” 

Spencer swallowed, glancing out of the window. It was at that moment he realised all of his fight had left his body. He didn’t feel belligerent or defiant anymore, he didn’t even care if Luke was sleeping with you. 

At that precise moment, Spencer was simply done. He didn’t care what happened to him anymore, whether he stayed in this bed for the rest of his life, whether he was allowed to go home and get high or whether he was committed to a padded room; he truly felt indifferent. 

Still looking out the window he shuffled down the pillows and pulled the sheet up to his neck, wrapping his arms tightly around his body. When he spoke, he sounded so unlike himself it actually scared Luke. 

“I’m not fighting anymore.” He grumbled, voice barely above a whisper. “Do what you want with me. Leave me here to die, send me to Virginia, I don’t care anymore.” 

“You don’t care?” Luke frowned. 

“No.” Spencer shook his head limply. “I’d like to sleep now, please see yourself out.” 

Luke wanted to argue with him because this seemed so out of character for Spencer as of late. The Spencer he’d come to know would fight anyone on anything. And it scared him more than anything. 

But he decided against it, thinking it was best to just leave him alone for the time being. He’d come back later and hopefully Spencer would at least discuss this with him. 

But what Luke didn’t realise was that they were the last words he would hear Spencer speak for a long time. 

***

“Spencer? Spencer, can you hear me?” 

Spencer blinked a couple of times, eyes glazed over as he looked over their shoulder. 

“Spencer? Spencer!” She waved her hand in front of his face and he blinked a few more times. 

“He’s been like it since the morning.” Luke’s voice met his ears. “He won’t speak, hasn’t even moved.” 

“What happened? He was fine yesterday.” She tore her eyes off Spencer and looked over at Luke.

“I spoke to him this morning. The last thing he said was that he wasn’t fighting it anymore and that he didn’t care what we did with him. And then he told me to leave, so I did.” Luke shrugged at her. 

“It’s like he’s in a trance.” She looked back at him, he was still staring at the same spot on the wall. 

“I think it’s more serious than that.” Luke swallowed. “You smell that?” 

JJ narrowed her eyes and honed into her sense of smell. It took a few seconds of serious concentration before the unmistakable stench reached her nose and she grimaced. 

“Is that…?”

“Urine.” Luke nodded. “I think he’s fallen into a catatonic state, JJ.” 

“No.” She shook her head, turning back to Spencer. “Spence, it’s me, JJ. Please look at me.” 

She placed her hand on his shoulder and tried to stand in his line of sight but even when she did it felt like Spencer was looking through her. He didn’t move aside from the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. 

“This can’t be happening.” JJ shook her head. “After everything he’s already been through, this cannot be happening to him.” 

“We should get the doctor.” Luke sighed. 

“I’m not going anywhere. Spence, talk to me please? Please, Spence, I need to hear your voice.” She shook him by the shoulder a little but he showed no signs of even noticing she was doing so. 

Luke sighed again and slipped from the room, meeting the faces of the rest of his team members in the corridor. 

“Way to monopolise boy wonder’s time, Newbie.” Garcia rolled her eyes as he stepped out of the room. 

She got to her feet and went to head inside to join JJ, he was only permitted two visitors at any one time. Luke raised his arm and stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. 

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.” He croaked, causing everyone to look at him in confusion.

“Why not?” She huffed indignantly. 

“He’s not himself.” Luke swallowed. “He’s not talking, won’t move or even look at anyone. And I’m fairly certain he’s, uh, soiled himself.” 

“What?” Rossi frowned deeply. “That sounds like…”

“Catatonia.” Tara finished for him. 

“That’s what I thought.” Luke nodded. “I was gonna go find his doctor.” 

“Jeez, it’s never ending.” Emily sighed. 

“People wake up from catatonic states all the time.” Matt tried to encourage. 

“People also don’t wake up from them a lot.” Luke looked at the floor. 

“Luke, go find his doctor.” Emily went into unit chief mode. “Garcia, talk to him.”

“Aye aye boss.” Garcia replied without her usual bounce to her voice. 

Luke and Garcia went their separate ways while the rest of them exchanged concerned looks and quietly wondered what this would mean for their friend. 

***

“Spence?” Tara sat on the edge of his bed stroking his messy hair back from his face a few hours later. “Spence, the doctor said you should be able to hear us so just know that we’re here ok? All of us are here.” 

“You’re in a catatonic state, kid.” Rossi added. “The doctor is going to monitor you and if you don’t snap out of it he’s got some medication to try.” 

“If you can hear us, please give us a sign.” Tara tried again. 

The whole time Spencer stayed frozen still, staring at the wall. He’d been like this with each member of the BAU, no signs of any light behind his eyes or any kind of consciousness. The doctor had examined him and determined him to be suffering from catatonia but hoped that given a day he might be able to rouse himself from it. 

If by tomorrow he was still like this, he would administer a dose of lorazepam, a sedative which would slow the brain and body and relax his muscles. Lorazepam had a good success rate for breaking patients out of such states. There were more drastic measures that could be taken if it didn’t work, but he didn’t want to worry Spencer’s friends with that for now. 

“If this is just an elaborate way to get out of rehab, I’m almost impressed.” Rossi tried to joke but yet again Spencer didn’t move. 

***

Please, please someone do something. I’m trying, I’m trying so hard. Please, help me.

“Doctor Reid, I’m going to administer the lorazepam now, ok?” His doctor hovered at one side and on the other he was mildly aware someone else was standing. 

Yes, please. Please do something. Anything. Please. 

Spencer Reid felt like a prisoner inside his own body. When he tried to move his limbs they felt like they were made of rubber. When he tried to speak no words would come out. 

He’d been aware of everything happening around him for the past two days, his old team members visiting, trying to talk to him, his doctor running tests and trying to wake him from this nightmare. 

He felt the pinch of the needle in his arm but didn’t register the pain. He laid there frozen like he had for two days, unable to do anything except scream inside his own mind. 

What is happening to me? Why is this happening? Goddamn drugs have fried my brain. What have I done?

Am I dying? Is this really how it’s going to end? Would anyone even notice if I did die? I’m barely alive as it is. 

The doctor injected the medication and stood back up, looking across Spencer’s bed. Spencer wanted to look and see who it was standing there but he couldn’t get his head to cooperate with him. 

“How long will it take to kick in?” 

Luke! Luke, can you hear me? Luke?

“Minutes, hours maybe. If he’s still like this tomorrow we’ll try another shot. But if that doesn’t work we’ll have to rethink the course of action.”

“Thanks.” Luke sighed. 

Spencer heard footsteps getting further away and then the door opened and closed. Seconds later it opened again. 

“Now we wait?” Another voice entered his ears. 

Matt? Matt is that you? 

He felt something on his bare arm, something warm and calloused. A hand? Luke’s hand? He couldn’t tell.

“Pretty much.” Luke sounded exhausted. 

“It’s gonna work. It got to work.” Matt spoke again but Spencer couldn’t see him. 

“I’m not going to hold my breath.” Luke’s hand moved down Spencer’s arm until his fingers were circling his wrist. 

Spencer felt his arm being lifted from the bed and then suddenly Luke’s hand vanished and Spencer’s arm flopped back to the mattress.

What was that for? 

“Nothing.” Luke sighed again. 

Oh my gosh is this my life now? Am I going to die like this? Or worse, am I going to continue living like this? No, no snap out of it Spencer, say something or move your damn arm. Move anything! Am I blinking? My eyes are sore, fuck I’m not even blinking. 

He could feel his heart start to pound as the fear set in. What if he never woke up from this? What if he spent the rest of his life in this paralysis while the world continued to move around him? 

“You see that?” Matt’s voice entered his ears again.

See what? 

“Yeah.” Luke agreed.

What? What is it? 

“His heart is racing.” Matt swallowed. “Spencer, can you hear me?” 

Yes! Yes, I can hear you! Please, do something Matt? There has to be something you can do. 

“I know the doctor said he could but I don’t think he can.” Luke shook his head.

I can! Luke, I can hear you! Fuck, need to move, need to speak. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Catatonia is heavily associated with schizophrenia. I’m too old to have my first break, aren’t I? No can’t be that. Just can’t be. Think Spencer, think. Just fucking think. 

“I overheard him talking to Emily,” Matt spoke up again. “He thinks it could be a symptom of his MDD?” 

Yes Matt, that’s it! I have major depressive disorder. Catatonia is often related to that. 

“It could be. Or excessive drug use. Or both.” Luke sighed yet again. “How can he even be comfortable?” 

What? Why, what am I doing? Why wouldn’t I be comfortable? Tell me, Luke, I don’t understand. 

“Garcia said it’s a symptom of catatonia. Holding weird positions.” 

Weird positions? What am I doing? Someone tell me! 

Spencer couldn’t feel his extremities and as such couldn’t tell that he had his left leg pulled up to his chest while his right dangled off of the edge of the bed. His left arm was slung above his head on the pillow, he looked almost like he was practising a dance. 

Someone please do something, I can’t live like this. 

A knock sounded at the door and Spencer tried to force his eyes in the direction of it but they wouldn’t budge. 

“Can we see him?” A whispered female voice entered the room. 

“Sure.” Luke responded.

Who is it? What’s going on?” 

A few sets of footsteps and some shuffling followed before he felt another hand on his knee that was pulled up to his chest.

“I’m going to try and move him.” 

Jennifer? JJ is that you? 

“Ok.” 

Garcia? Garcia please!

He didn’t feel JJ pulling his leg down and straightening it out on the mattress. He also didn’t feel her tuck his other leg back under the sheet. He also didn’t register Garcia gently moving his arm from its position on the pillow down to his side. 

Did you do it? Did I move? What the hell is happening to me? 

“His face.” JJ gasped suddenly, moving into Spencer’s field of vision but he couldn’t quite focus on her. 

What is my face doing? Someone tell me. 

“He’s…is he grimacing?” Garcia moved closer too but he couldn’t see her. 

“Spence, are you in pain? Are you ok?” JJ asked, speaking slowly as if he were an idiot. 

I’m not stupid, Jennifer. Just can’t move. No pain. I don’t think I’m in pain. I’m just so fucking scared. This isn’t how I want to die. Death was supposed to be fast, painless, not like this. Not trapped inside my own body. 

“I’m scared, Jayje.” Penelope mumbled. 

Me too, Garcia. Me too. 

***

Spencer spent all night trying to force his uncooperative limbs to move, while his old team reluctantly went to their homes. 

Just focus. One thing at a time. Just move a goddamn finger or a toe. Do something. 

He focused all of his energy onto one finger, desperate to get it to move, even just a small twitch would be enough to start with. 

Come on, you can do this, don’t fail me now brain, just move. Come on, come on! It’s not that hard! Fucking do something, for the love of god I cannot be confined to this goddamn useless shell for the rest of my life. 

At some point morning must have rolled around but Spencer had still not managed to move a single digit. He was getting so angry he felt like he could burst. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs but no one would hear him. 

I’m going to die like this. Can’t eat. Can’t drink. Can’t even use the fucking bathroom. This is humiliating. 

A kind looking nurse helped him out of his wet, stained sheets and into a wheelchair. She manoeuvred his limbs into a sitting position for him as he couldn’t do it himself. 

Jesus Christ I reek. This is mortifying. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

He stared off into the distance, unable to focus on the nurse but he could just about ascertain that she was changing his sheets. She hummed as she did so, periodically chatting away to him as if he could answer her. 

After a while he felt himself moving and could just about comprehend he’d left the confines of his room. He was wheeled down through an extremely bright hallway and the sights and sounds overwhelmed him. 

I am covered in my own piss and shit. This is so demeaning. Everyone is looking at me. Everyone can smell me. Say something, Reid. Tell her to take you back to your room. 

Internally he was screaming, screaming for this nurse to pay him attention but he didn’t even make so much as a squeak. She continued to wheel him to another room where he could only assume he was going to be bathed.

“Doctor Reid, I’m going to clean you up, ok?”

No, no! Leave me alone! Don’t touch me, please? Please don’t take my gown off. For the love of god, please! I can’t be undressed, please don’t do this to me. This is degrading enough, please don’t make it worse. 

But it was no use, he wasn’t making a sound. And all he could do was sit there in turmoil as the nurse stripped him of his hospital gown and helped him into the shower. 

Please god just let me die. Please end this fucking misery. 

He didn’t feel the water falling around him and at some point the sounds of the shower and the nurses humming faded from his ears. Slowly but surely he stopped being conscious of what was going on around him and everything went dark. 

Thank fuck, was the last thought he was aware of. I must finally be dead. 

***

A week went by without another visit from Luke and you were a little downtrodden but you understood that he had his hands full. It was still disappointing to not see him and you worried it was because something had happened to Spencer. 

You spent all your time alone playing with his chip in your hand, as if you might unlock some kind of secret from the thing, like it might hold some sort of hidden key about Spencer’s well being. 

You wanted to use again, you’d told your therapist as much. It was probably the most you’d wanted to relapse since your initial detox. You hated not knowing what was happening to Spencer. What if something really bad had happened and you would never know because Luke didn’t tell you? 

You thought that maybe if something happened to Spencer you’d be able to feel it, you’d know if he was gone, you were sure of it. But you still felt tethered to him in some way, like you could still sense his presence somewhere out there. You tried to cling to that. But you also really wanted to get high. 

When you were informed you had a phone call, you were more or less just as surprised as you had been the first time you received a visitor. You shouldn’t really have been surprised about who was on the other end. 

“Hello?” You cradled the phone, leaning up against the wall in the corridor. 

“Hey Y/N, it’s Luke.” He sounded exhausted. 

“Is everything ok?” You were quick to ask him. 

“Uh, not really.” He sighed. “How would you feel about a day release?” 

It really hadn’t taken a lot for Luke to talk to you into it if truth be told. As soon as he’d explained Spencer’s condition and how the doctor had told them that familiar sounds and smells might help him out of his state you agreed before thinking it through. 

Luke had cleared it with your doctor and he came to collect you the following morning. It was one thing having him visit you but another entirely to be the close quarters of his car, out in the real world after close to five months in the institute. It felt alien to be doing something so normal. It put you on edge.

On the drive Luke went into more detail regarding Spencer’s catatonia. He explained to you that you probably wouldn’t like what you saw, it was a disturbing sight to see him so lifeless but he hoped that your presence would help. You didn’t speak much in response, still feeling incredibly weird about the whole situation. 

They had tried two doses of lorazepam and would try another tomorrow. If that didn’t work to snap him out of his catatonia then the next step would be electroconvulsive therapy. Luke had explained to you that involved the brain being stimulated by electric pulses while Spencer was under general anaesthetic. This would be repeated three times a week until he responded to treatment. You didn’t want to ask what happened if he didn't respond. 

When you reached the hospital you were met by an array of faces who introduced themselves as Spencer’s old team but honestly, you were too overwhelmed to remember all of their names. Penelope stuck in your mind due to her brightly coloured clothes and sunny disposition even given the circumstances. Rossi also stayed with you and the way he’d held you slightly tighter than the others had, whispering his thanks again and again in your ear as he did so. 

It was clear immediately how much Spencer meant to them. All seven of them looked utterly exhausted, a blanket of sadness seemingly wrapping them all up in its clutches. They were trained to keep their emotions at bay but this situation had obviously gotten the better of even the toughest of profilers. It worried you what exactly you would be walking in to. 

“Ready?” Luke turned to you, placing a firm hand on your lower back. 

You had your arms wrapped around yourself, you had done since you’d exited the car. It was a method of coping you’d developed in your time at PIW, simple yet effective. You found the action of holding yourself this way helped to protect you, like an invisible barrier. It helped keep you grounded, tethered to the real world without letting yourself too close to it.

You exhaled through your nose, looking at only Luke and not his team members and you stiffly nodded. Truth be told you would probably never be ready for what awaited you on the other side of that door but you needed to do this; if not for you then for Spencer. You felt like in some kind of weird way that you owed him although you weren’t really sure why. You did know though, that if the tables were turned, he would do the same for you in a heartbeat. 

Luke motioned you towards the door and you took a few steps closer before you realised he wasn’t moving. You turned to him with a few.

“You aren’t coming?” You felt yourself start to panic, wrapping your arms tighter around yourself. 

“I think you need to do this on your own.” He offered you a sad half-smile. 

You rolled your lip between your teeth, feeling tears already gathering behind your eyes but you would be damned if you let them fall yet. You took a few deep breaths and nodded with as much confidence as you could muster.

And then you turned to the door and gripped the handle. 

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