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dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

2/15/23

Things have been in a pretty steady decline lately. I'm sure it's pretty apparent in my writing. Today was especially difficult.

I'm just turning off a skate video I had on so I can focus on this. I should really get this out. I heard back from my old therapist, the one who worked with me the summer before the pandemic and bridging through the beginning and peak of it. He was very nice, thoughtful and kind in how he responded. But I did not process the response well. At all.

I'm still trying to think more positively, see the silver lining, all that. I really am trying. But there's something very deep and very... hurt... that got set off. Again. He's not going to help me. I swear to god, the most common phrase I've heard out of people in the mental health field over the past 5 years has been "I can't help you" or "I don't know how to help you". Can any of you just like... point me in the direction of someone who can?! I mean, it's not like... once you just walk away and say "sorry dude, I can't be your friend", or whatever they're saying to me... it's not like my problems just... disappear. It's like they expect me to just wake up someday and just... be a different person... who doesn't have the struggles that I have. That I'm just going to snap out of it and suddenly my life will just fall together.

So I try to be patient. I try to be proactive. I do my research, both internally and externally. I study. I learn. I strategize. But... what fucking good is my study, what good is my research and strategizing when I only have half a fucking picture?! I don't have perspective. And the fucked up part? Most people detest perspective. It usually sets them off. Critique, criticism, feedback, whatever phrase you want for it. Most conflicts I've witnessed involved this. I need perspective. And the whole fucking state is making me jump through hoops for this, not a single person is volunteering to assist.

Right now I'm referring to the ADHD screening, I can tell I'm being vague. Let me sum up the history here. Problems in highschool - ADD screening: positive. Got a diagnosis and a 504 plan. I was in special education for a fucking year, when my older brother was valedictorian, talk about humiliating. Flunk out of my first semester of college due to PTSD - ADD screening: positive. Got into a special education college which I promptly dropped out of because they tried to cram me in a dorm room with 2 other students, one of which brought his girlfriend over to stay the night on my first night there and... brought back even more trauma. And, on top of that, I got screened for ADD a third time back in... probably 2017 or 2018? And they never fucking gave me my results. I drove an hour to this medical building that was like completely empty, I sat in a silent room with someone and did this stupid test thing, and never got the fucking results. I was just so fed up at that point, I just gave up on it.

Now, 2023. And I can't get my current therapist, my former therapist or my brand new GP to just sit down for one fucking hour so I can either confirm this and start studying new skills... or cross it off the list and look deeper, try to understand how my trauma, depression and anxiety are creating these insanely disruptive barriers. I feel like all I do is just... wait. I just fucking wait for people to give me one hour of their time. And at that point, the pressure on me to make months worth of progress in one fucking hour is just... it's impossible. The pressure cracks me.

This may be hard for others to relate to, but this is something extremely familiar to me, try to imagine this. Imagine you are living 100% alone. That means no calls, no texts, no friends, no family. And your only social interaction is one 45 minute Zoom meeting. Per week. I doubt most people can even imagine that. Like... I don't even know how to catch others up on how much has even happened in that week in less than an hour, let alone talk about super important shit. And when all your social needs are condensed into one venue, it overwhelms people, it repels them. I swear, this shit is disastrous.

And I just feel really fucking lost and powerless. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I struggle so much with such simple things. I've been waiting for over 2 months to just... explore this possibility. And here I am.

My old therapist gave me the names of two places he could refer me to. Yeah, I know, after that tirade, right? Yeah. It'll make sense in a minute. There's a doctor in my area he can refer me to, but he doesn't know the guy personally. And... he can refer me to a Psychiatry place... that I used to go to 10 years ago. The place where my med problems all started. Where the floodgates were opened. And, being completely honest, just reading the name of that place just made me collapse in on myself. Like... wow... I'm literally exactly where I started. A fucking decade down the drain. For what?

Sounds like depression? Correct!

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tossed around for different people to study and pick apart and figure out what's broken in me and try to mold me into their ideal version of a human. I'm tired of trying so fucking --- I can't even let myself type it. Like I didn't even finish the thought and went "you could try fucking harder and you know it." Good lord. I'm so mean to myself. -_-

All of my life, all I've wanted was to make cool videos, or make cool music, or make cool art. For people. For friends. For people like me. For people who want to experience cool stuff. I want to share the interesting things I've learned, the unique perspective I have, the skills I've devoted countless hours to developing. I want to share my passions. And no one seems to want to share them. Not my friends, not my family, no one. No one even really seems to miss me when I'm not there. And that really just... it makes me feel... obsolete. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like there's something wrong with me. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm not good enough, interesting enough, attractive enough, in shape enough, funny enough. Like I am not worth seeking out. Like my contributions, my perspective, my self, are easily replaceable.

And the only venue I can think of to go to in a hail mary for social connection is basically just becoming a cesspool of advertisements, corporate shills and carbon copy fad-chasers. And the audience isn't much better, and they all seem very satisfied with what they are consuming. And I miss my people, man. I miss my fucking people. Because Twitch isn't my fucking people anymore. Call of Duty hasn't been my people since like fucking 2009. Minecraft hasn't been my people since they sold out to Microsoft and rebranded to target microtransactions to children. I just... I don't really know where my people are. Or how to find them. And honestly, I'm not even really sure entirely who my people are anymore.

There are some skaters I get along with, but we're a ragtag bunch and there are a lot that I don't. There were a lot of gamers that I got along with, but gaming got so fucking big that like... the title "gamer" could mean anything from a retiree to a high school jock. I could try to connect with fellow artists, but I honestly don't know how or where.

I guess I'm just scared. Scared of rolling the dice, after looking around at my friend roster and realizing that not a single one of them really cared that much about me, they just cared about how they felt when they were around me. How I made them feel. How I would visit them, and entertained them, and listened to them, and inflated their ego. And the second I asked them to get involved in my life in a meaningful way? KABOOM. Screamed at. Like I just cussed out the Lord himself. Not even exaggerating. It's so surreal looking back at it, like... I never really though people actually acted that way in real life. Even in the moment, I was like... "what are they misunderstanding?" "They can't possibly believe this is too much to ask..."

So yeah, all of this, all this shitstorm that's pouring onto the page right now, that's been swirling around in my head like a poison soup all goddamn day. And I have no idea what to do about it. And frankly, I'm ready to just throw it on a shelf and say fuck the mental health, I just wanna make cool beads for right now. So let me catch you up on what I did today.

I measured out a bracelet mala. The number of beads is symbolic, I guess it's derived from Buddhism, but also Hinduism (which is more of a collection of belief systems than an actual religion). Typically they are multiples of 9, the standard is 108, which I'm guessing my necklace is. I decided to try 27 out, to see how that worked length-wise. I had to downsize it to smaller beads but the size worked decently, it's just weird because since the cordage isn't elastic... I need to have it be big enough to squeeze over my hand, but not big enough to fall off. And it does, it fits pretty well and doesn't fall off, it's just very loose fitting. From there, I did a test bead. I did a black basecoat and some very basic opaque pink line work over it. From there, I did 5 layers of Mod Podge in about 30 minute intervals. Then I sanded it, which I think I fucked up a little bit by not wet-sanding it, unfortunately. I don't know why, I just had it in my head that like... if I wet sanded... the glaze was going to dissolve or something. Like... it better not... XD But I used water very sparingly in the rough sanding and I think I paid for it. So next time I'm going to do a 600 grit instead of 400 and I'm going to make sure I wet sand. But even with the slip ups, I brought it to a nice buff shine and it looks pretty good, it looks like it could be plastic. I think that's going to work nicely.

The next thing I need to figure out, which was baking my noodle (thanks The Oracle for getting that stuck in my head since the 90's), was how to get these beads on some kind of thing that stably rotates. Like a lathe, but... for painting. So I can get nice symmetrical equatorial lines. I'm giving up on longitudinal lines, I'll wing that shit, but latitudinal symmetry makes a very big visual impact and I'd really like to get that figured out. So, in my head, I'm picturing some kind of mount to fit a wooden dowel into. The wooden dowel needs to be the right size for the holes in these beads, enough to snugly fit and hold them. Then the dowel sits in the mount and I can put a crank on the other end of the dowel. The crucial part of that is that the beads do not move. Or... I can just continue to freestyle it. Either way.

I'm tempted to take another trip to Michal's and see if they have any kind of contraption like this. It would make my life so much easier. To paint that bead, I had to wrap a piece of paper around an eyelet screw, put the screw in the vice, and then flip the bead when it was time to do the other side. It... wasn't the most convenient setup. All in all, though, I've had some decent results from these past 2 days of bead medium tests. I'm excited to see what this culminates to.

I have also had a project in mind for my mom. I think it might actually be a really thoughtful and helpful thing for her. I got a bunch of garnet beads for her christmas gift that... never really got made. Fights and all that. I had all the materials, but... I just... it's really hard to make a gift for someone who is fighting with you, you know? So... the beads and the centerpiece just kinda sat there for months. And her birthday came and went and all that. So... I was thinking of making a small mala with them, with the intention of passing it along with some documentation on what they are for. I want to try to use mine to experiment with mantra meditation, prayer and all that, which is very new to me. But she may find use from this in a very practical way through... grounding. Hell, maybe I need one deliberately intended for that as well. The intention is to have every bead represent a breath and to track your breathing exercise with it. So I was just thinking, maybe I should split it. Do 9 garnets, then a... something different, maybe a wooden bead, to mark an interval. Then repeat that twice, but the last one is a distinctly bigger one intended to signify the end of the cycle. They call that the guru bead. So you can do smaller breathing sequences with it too, not just the big 27 breath one, which might be a tall order in the middle of a heated conflict or a busy workday or something. Or at least it might seem like one. But 9 breaths? I think we can all make time for that. And the tactile nature of it lets you keep your eyes closed and know where you are, and if you want to do another 9? Just keep going. The intention is to use the tactile, maybe even smell association(I read people will douse the tassel in essential oil sometimes), to bring awareness back to the present moment. Especially in a moment of acute stress or panic, overwhelm, whatever it might be. To take a second, breathe, let the rest go for a minute until you get to the wooden bead, then choose how you want to go forward with a clear mind.

The more I talk about this, the more I am making myself aware that I need to practice this more as well. I'm sure it's going to be glaringly obvious to me when I read this back, too. (edit: It is.)

Before I wrap up, I should mention. Today was really hard for me emotionally. It was a such lonely day. And it's mine. The most loneliest day of my liiiiiife. (sorry) I don't know about downstairs, because I can't hear them - though they can probably hear me, sorry... - but all of my other neighbors are couples. From about 5:30 on, I had happy couples in fuckin surround sound. And here I am. More alone than I've ever been. It just sucked. I even made cookies and it didn't make it better. So yeah. Just...

I've had like... maybe two decent Valentine's Days my entire life. I've had maybe 5 Valentine's Days where I was actually in a relationship in my life. And I'm a romantic. And, to be blunt, the women who received my generous romance, they didn't deserve it. And they didn't appreciate it. And they sorta... planted seeds in my head that it wasn't worth being romantic in those ways, that it will be undervalued and unappreciated. I'm really sad that I let myself walk away from those gestures. But I'm really glad that I'm no longer there. Because once I find my partner, they're going to get the most thoughtful, kind, loving gestures from me, with no reservations. Because if I feel I need to hold back those expressions, I must learn from my past relationships and really try to understand why. Why would I not want to shower them with my genuine affection? Because others took advantage of it, and didn't even want it? Or is it because I feel like my partner won't believe it's genuine? Or that they will reject it or find it overbearing? If those are the case, I'd need to address those immediately, because it might be incompatibility.

Good lord, even my fictional relationships are dysfunctional! <head in hands>

I need to find a good place to meet people like me, where I will feel comfortable and not utterly overwhelmed. I thought the internet was going to help with that, but it's changed so much over the past 5+ years. I don't know where the real people are anymore. So... I might have to just give up on that and brave the real world. Which seems more likely to bring me a solid connection in my life: a yoga studio, a weird witchcraft store, a zen center, a board game shop, a small coffee shop? I honestly don't know. But one of these days coming up, I'm going to try one. I mean it. I just need to cultivate the confidence, because my confidence meter is like an imperceptible sliver right now.

Good vibes to end on? I've been playing Rimworld offline. I haven't really let myself enjoy it because of that but... the main character got married, which made me really happy. I went to get my cookies out of the oven and the game is on No Pause Challenge, so it was just running without me, and I came back and Lissandra and Slick were getting married! It made me so happy. They both worked night shift together, it's how they met. She's a sanguophage, the revered holy leader of the colony, and he was a young former criminal refugee, who she has now given the gift of immortality. So basically, the high priestess and the janitor became lovers because he was a night owl and she's a vampire. So... I guess he won the jackpot as far as climbing the social ladder goes! They seem really happy together so far, and I'm very curious to see if they naturally try for kids or not (I'm very new to the new DLC mechanics) and whether the sanguophage (vampire) gene can be passed on through birth or only through gene conversion. I did lose my other starter colonist, Omni, she was such an amazing soul. She was a level 18 builder with a 12+ specialization in architecture, and... for a tribal... that's really goddamn impressive. It was a very painful loss. She got jacked by a cheetah doing field work, no one could get to her in time. It sucked. A lot. But, that's life, and we move on. Lissandra will plan a ceremony for her soon. And I quit right after getting an insane raid that did a shit ton of damage so my colonists are going to have a lot of cleaning up and mourning to do tomorrow. I chose to do Rimworld again because it's a game I can actually have play itself in the background while I do art. Not a lot of games work like that.

Alright, bed. Here's hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Maybe I can even get out into nature? Or to Michael's? We'll see.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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seungmvnnie · 3 years

Text

Gryffindor!Jeno x Hufflepuff!Reader

word count; 4.3k words (I GOT CARRIED AWAY)

warnings; female reader, bullet point au, enemies to lovers (last enemies to lovers in this little series), you kind of need to understand quidditch to understand what they’re talking about, I expose myself as a fucking nerd in this one because I didn’t have to research anything for this fic, also somewhat of a ‘pushing people off/jumping off towers,’ joke at the end

Quidditch was your life

Ever since you could walk, your parents had put you on a broomstick

they were determined that you were going to be the next best quidditch player

You had taken to it immediately, although that was pretty much guaranteed, considering your family were entirely professional quidditch players

There was lots of pressure on you to be the next best thing, especially since your cousin Jaemin had rejected the family legacy as soon as he could

He was happy to play for fun but not as seriously as your family took it

He was kind of ‘the family disappointment,’ for a while, but that was until you both went to Hogwarts and you were sorted into Hufflepuff and he was sorted into Slytherin, which was the house everyone in your family had been in for centuries

Then you were both disappointments so it kind of cancelled out

Despite being sorted into Hufflepuff, you spent the majority of your first year with your cousin and his friends

Which was when you met Lee Jeno, the Gryffindor puppy-eyed muggleborn and Jaemin’s best friend

It was hard not to be friends with Jeno for your first year and a half at hogwarts

He was sweet and likeable and if you were being honest with yourself, you found yourself with a bit of a crush on him in 2nd year

That was, of course, until you both became seekers for your respective quidditch team in 2nd year

You didn’t hold anything against him at first

What was wrong with some friendly competition?

It wasn’t until the final match of the year, Hufflepuff vs Gryffindor, that everything went went wrong

the Hufflepuff team had a strong lead

your chasers were miles better than theirs

Realistically, the only reason the Gryffindor team had made it to the final was because Jeno hadn’t failed to catch one snitch the whole season

But neither had you

people had been betting on which team would win all year

You were faster than Jeno was, but Jeno was faster at spotting the snitch than you were

Maybe the fact that every student in every house was comparing which of you was better was where the cracks in your friendship with Jeno has begun

You had been idly circling the quidditch pitch, eyes peeled for any sort of flash of gold

It wasn’t until the Gryffindor chasers finally scored a goal that your attention was drawn to the stands draped in gold and red, the Gryffindor audience’s boisterous celebration deafening everyone else on the pitch

Unbeknownst to the poor Gryffindors, their screaming was what made you spot the snitch, darting frantically above their heads

You dove into action from where you had been lazily hovering, groaning as the snitch similarly took off, zooming around the stands

Unluckily, Jeno was just behind you in spotting the snitch, but you zoned out his presence behind you and the screaming of the audience coupled with the quidditch commentators shouting and focused only on the snitch

You were so close, your outstretched fingers grazing the metal as your urged your broom to go just that little bit faster

When Jeno, who had gained on you without you even realising, slammed into you with his shoulder

The force as well as the surprise meant your grip on your broom loosened and his knock sent you hurtling about 30ft to the ground

The aftermath of the match was a bit hazy - apparently your head had slammed on the ground too hard when you fell and you had a concussion, which would heavily contribute to your difficult recollection

Not to mention a broken arm and a few fractured ribs

Jeno had caught the snitch shortly after you fell, which meant Gryffindor had won

You spent a week in the hospital wing following the match and whilst magic definitely healed you a lot faster than normal muggle remedies would, you still were banned from quidditch or flying for two months to make sure it definitely set properly

You were livid, to say the least

Jeno knew how much quidditch meant to you and your family but he seemed to care more about winning than the fact your parents would kill you for loosing the match

he didn’t even come visit you in the hospital wing when everyone else did

Needless to say, from then on you held quite the grudge against Jeno

He tried talking to you a couple of days after you got out of the hospital wing, but apparently he hadn’t realised that he had basically declared war

He got the message when you told him to ‘Fuck off, you cheating wanker.”

Realistically, if he hadn’t gotten the message at that point, you would have been incredibly concerned

The next year, the competition between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor was insane

Your house had supported you in being angry about Gryffindors dirty tactics and the Gryffindors were angry about being accused of cheating - contact was allowed in quidditch

At the centre of all of the competition was Jeno and you

It wasn’t long until you both had gotten the reputation of being the best quidditch players in the whole school, which your family weren’t very pleased about

You were meant to be the best, but you let someone who didn’t even know what a broom was until three years ago beat you?

And so, you started working harder

You pretty much bullied your quidditch team into training every second morning

You wanted to do every morning, but the quidditch captain at the time, a 6th year named Kun told you as nicely as he possibly could, to fuck off

The second the Gryffindor team found out about your training schedule, they were out training every morning too

When you were friends, Jeno was never as competitive as you were, or easily irritated, but apparently you had perfected getting on his nerves

Your team won that year, in record time

Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff was the second game of that season and you and Jeno had both spotted the snitch about 5 minutes in, but unluckily for him, you were faster

Gryffindor won the year after that

Then in your fifth year, the quidditch captains for Hufflepuff and Gryffindor both left and you and Jeno got the job

The competition heated up even more

The Gryffindor and Hufflepuff teams were trained religiously and if anyone had a problem with it, they were off the team

It wasn’t as though you had a lack of interest in people joining your teams; everyone wanted to say that they played quidditch with Lee Jeno and (Y/N) (Y/L/N), especially after the article on you two came out in the daily prophet about halfway through your fifth year

you and Jeno had been dragged out of your potions class by the headmaster and some annoying reporter who had apparently heard of your reputation and wanted to write an article on the, ‘future of quidditch,’ as she had put it

You were happy to comply at first, taking pictures with the Headmaster and Jeno and answering questions

simple stuff like, ‘when did you start playing?’ and ‘What are your plans for after school?’

You got questions about your parents, seeing as your family were already well known within the quidditch world

It wasn’t until the very end when everything went wrong

She had been shoving her parchment into her strange leather briefcase as you two hovered awkwardly at the door of the unused classroom, waiting for her to leave before you could go back to class

when she looked up and, adjusting her glasses said,

“Well, it was very good to meet you two. You make a very cute couple!”

You nearly choked as your eyes widened

“We are not together!” You exclaimed

Jeno had infuriatingly said nothing, almost as if he wanted this random woman to think you’d date him

She had only smiled knowingly, and replied,

“Sure.”

The walk back to potions was almost excruciating as you walked in an awkward silence, the stupid reporter’s words laying heavily with you both, until Jeno cleared his throat

“Well that was weird.” He glanced sideways at you, but you refused to look at him

“You’re weird.” You grumbled

He inhaled sharply as if he was going to say something, but stopped himself, taking a moment before he opened his mouth again

“You can insult me all you want, (Y/L/N), but I’m still going to beat you.”

You scoffed

“Not bloody likely. Your team is terrible, the only reason you’ve won a match this year is because the Slytherin and Ravenclaw seekers are terrible. Your chasers won't last 5 minutes against mine.” You looked at him this time, ignoring how his stupid red quidditch captain badge gleamed on his chest and how his stupid perfectly styled dark hair only emphasised his stupid good looks

He raised an eyebrow at you (which was stupidly attractive) and came to a stop as you approached the door of you potions classroom

“Well then isn’t it a good thing that as long as I catch the snitch before your team can score 15 goals, I win.”

You scoffed again. As if you would let him beat you?

You mirrored his stupid eyebrow cocking thing and, taking a step towards him, lowered your voice to a whisper

“Well then isn’t it a good thing that there’s no way I’m going to let you beat me.”

The annoying confidence he exuded flickered as his cheeks warmed to a pinky blush and you watched as the previous competitive glare in his eyes softened to something else as they scanned down your bod- Hang on, was he checking you out?

“Eyes up here, Lee.” You sniped, enjoying how his eyes snapped back to your face flusteredly

You spun on your heel before he could retort and entered your potions classroom, leaving him in the corridor

The article appeared in the sports section of the daily prophet a few days later and caused a massive uproar at Hogwarts

You had expected a small nerdy article about how both of you wanted to play quidditch after school and the upcoming Hufflepuff vs Gryffindor match, but that wasn’t quite what you got

“ -it appears that, outside of discovering a skill which could boost these two talented teens to success upon leaving school, they have also discovered their first whirlwind romance with eachother. A regular ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ their tragically romantic relationship blossomed amongst the fierce competition between the two’ - What utter bullshit!” You slammed the paper down onto the table, accidentally spilling poor Chaeryong’s (One of your chasers the year below) orange juice over her breakfast in the process

“Hey!” She cried out, but with a quick mumbled, ‘Scourgify,’ and a flick of your wand the orange juice vanished

You preoccupied yourself with slamming your head off of the table repeatedly as Chaeryong patted your back comfortingly

“If it helps, I doubt anyone will even read it.”

She couldn’t have been more wrong

It was all the entire school was talking about by lunch time

You couldn’t turn a corner without someone asking you if you were actually dating Jeno

What was worse was when you received a letter from your parents the next day

You thought they were going to disown you, considering they had spent the past 4 years putting great emphasis on how badly you needed to beat Lee Jeno

but somehow, their actual reaction was worse

You weren’t expecting two pages of them gushing about how your children would be the best quidditch player the world had ever seen

They were honestly more disappointed whenever you sent them a letter informing them that would never happen

Everyone wanted to join the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff teams because they seemed to be convinced that the teams knew you had some sort of affair going on that you didn’t tell anyone about

Most infuriatingly, Jeno didn’t seem to be trying to combat the rumours whatsoever

His nonchalant nature was so annoying that it only seemed to spur on your competitiveness

Which resulted in a Hufflepuff win that year

and the year after that

You had destroyed them two years in a row by your last year of school, although the last year was the most important for recruitment

There was one spot open on the best quidditch team in the country, the team your parents and aunt were on, and the team captain was going to watch your match against each other and choose one of you to join

Your team was trained harder than ever before and you made it very well known that winning meant you actually had a future when you left

you had the best team you think Hufflepuff had ever had

pretty much everyone was talented and incredibly competitive

If one of your chasers, Zhong Chenle put his mind to it, he could definitely go pro

But he was more inclined to a career in music and he was friends with Jeno so you didn’t like to praise him too much

Your teams both flew (pun very much intended) through your games against slytherin and ravenclaw

The 7th year Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff match fell at the start of march, as to not interfere with your NEWT exams, which left plenty of time for preparations, and you left school for the christmas holidays content that you were ready to destroy Gryffindor

Which was lucky, considering it became the topic of conversation during boxing day dinner with your extended family, Jaemin included

“So, (Y/N), I hear you have a big match coming up.” Your aunt asked, taking a sip from her wine glass

You looked up from where you had been toying with the food on your plate and smiled politely

“Yeah, the finals are at the start of March against Gryffindor, as per usual.” You mumbled the last part of your sentence more to yourself than anyone else, but that didn’t stop the dirty look Jaemin sent your way

“Oh against Jaemin’s friend? Are you still dating him?”

You choked on your water

“Uh- we were never dating.” “Oh, that’s a shame. You would have been a very talented couple, you know. With very talented children, I’m sure.”

You were about one more comment about how beautiful or talented you and Jeno’s nonexistent babies would be away from stabbing yourself in the eye

You awkwardly laughed in response and kicked Jaemin under the table, who was positively dying laughing

“I’m sure you’ll win though.”

You perked up. Baby talk, you couldn’t do. Discussing how you were going to destroy the Gryffindor team so badly they’d be crying for years? That was right up your alley

“Oh, definitely. Their team is terrible, no one except Jeno could probably tell the difference between a Quaffle and a Bludger. He entirely carries the team. I lucked out, I have two beaters who are planning on going pro as well as one of the best keepers I think Hogwarts ever seen. We’re going to ruin them. There’s no way he’s getting that spot over me.”

Jaemin wasn’t laughing anymore, and instead made an indignant noise

“What’s wrong?” You asked, attempting to sound as though you were genuinely concerned for your cousin’s wellbeing to your parents, although you knew he was about to go off on one about Jeno

“Did you ever stop to consider maybe getting that job means a lot to Jeno too?”

Your hands halted their chore of playing with your food as you narrowed your eyes at him

“That job’s been mine since before he was even born, Jaemin.”

He rolled his eyes and you ignored the way your mum was tapping your leg in a silent attempt to get you to stop

“No it hasn’t. If it was, you’d have it, but funnily enough you don’t. Jeno needs that job to support his family, he doesn’t have any other career plans whereas you, little miss daughter of multi-millionaire quidditch players could never work again and live a much more comfortable life than him.”

“Na Jaemin!” His Mum scolded, cutting him off as he rolled his eyes and slumped down in his seat

Suddenly, the egg-shell table cloth was the most interesting thing in the whole world to you

You had never thought about what this meant for Jeno - you thought he had simply wanted to piss you off

On top of that it was important to you too! Your parents would be so disappointed if you didn’t get the spot on the team

but would living up to your parents expectations be worth what Jeno would loose if you won?

The rest of the dinner was... awkward, to say the least

So was the rest of the holidays; you just wanted to get back to Hogwarts and train the weeks away, which you did

You spent the next two months drilling your team as vigorously as you had been before the christmas break, but this time a lingering guilt panged at your chest with every exercise you put your team through

Finally the day of the quidditch match arrived and you were almost sick with anxiety

“(Y/N), you have to eat something.” Chaeryong brandished the toast she had brought you to the dressing room almost threateningly as you fidgeted with the neckline of your quidditch robes

“I’m being entirely honest when I say if I eat something right now, I will just throw up on you.” She stopped trying to force feed you pretty quickly after that

The entire Hufflepuff team was feeling your anxiety

Chenle even kicked out his friend, (they were definitely in love with each other, but no one talked about the hypothetical babies THEY were going to have, everyone was just obsessed with you and Jenos, which was entirely that stupid reporter’s fault) who usually sat in the dressing room with your team before you went out to play

Eventually the time came and you entered the quidditch pitch, for your last time at Hogwarts and maybe your last official time for the next while

The snitch was released 18 minutes into the game, at which point the score was already 50-0 to Hufflepuff

You hovered above the quidditch pitch, scanning the field as though your life depended on it - technically it did

But then you thought about it for a moment; your life didn’t depend on this snitch. Jeno’s did.

Almost perfectly timed, your eyes were drawn a golden glint just above the Gryffindor goalposts

You dove instinctively, Jeno who was behind you, mirroring your actions

You were so close, reaching out your arm towards the Snitch

Jeno was alongside you this time and you were almost neck in neck

almost

you had gotten that head start

although, your position here mirrored almost exactly the match in second year where everything went wrong which meant, if Jeno wanted to, he could slam into you again and win

but he didn’t

Maybe that was what made you purposely slow down that tiny bit that allowed Jeno to catch the snitch

You spent the entire afternoon and evening deliberating exactly what had made you let him catch the snitch

Also regretting it; the Gryffindor team and their supporters were definitely ones for rubbing their victory into the Hufflepuff teams faces

So much so, that to avoid the constant partying and celebrations of how Lee had finally beat you after a two year streak you decided to find somewhere quiet to yourself

which was how you found yourself perched at the top of the astronomy tower, legs crossed staring out at the Great Lake that wound around the castle and the dark sky which illuminated the dark countryside

If there was anywhere to lament about life, it would be here

You could hear the Gryffindor’s party from where you perched, the thumping music and screaming almost causing the whole castle to shake

You still found the space to think

Had you simply felt sorry for Jeno? You wished that you could say that was what it was, because maybe then it could save your pride

But in actuality, when you had pulled back, you hadn’t been thinking about what situation his family may be in, but instead those puppy dog eyes which lit up whenever he won

You had spent so many years determined to beat him, you had never stopped to really think about him as a person as opposed to the declared enemy on the quidditch pitch

You had been sat there for about an hour eyes closed and leaning against the wall, when a voice cut through the stillness

“You know, when Chenle said you had gone to the top of the Astronomy tower, I was almost scared you came here to throw yourself off.”

You didn’t have to open your eyes to recognise Lee Jeno’s voice

“Don’t flatter yourself, Lee. I would never throw myself off a tower because of a man. Throwing a man off a tower is a completely different story, though.”

You opened one eye to look at where he stood at the top of the stone steps, clutching two red plastic cups, no doubt filled with firewhiskey

He had long ditched his quidditch uniform, much like you, and traded it instead for a pair of black ripped jeans, white t-shirt and oversized jacket which all looked annoyingly good on him

“Should I be worried?” He quipped, although you could sense there was no malice in his voice, but instead a joking tone

You didn’t say anything but stared out at the scenery of the castle grounds you would soon be saying goodbye to, not acknowledging the fact he sat down next to you, placing a cup beside your leg

He had taken the fact that you hadn’t tried to push him off the tower yet as permission to sit beside you

You sat in silence for a moment - although the silence was not awkward or uncomfortable in anyway, but instead comforting

“We’re still even by the way.” You mumbled, breaking the silence

“Huh?” He looked at you with those stupidly adorable puppy eyes

“We’ve been competing for six years. I’ve won three matches and so have you. Even.”

He stared down into his alcohol which he swirled in the cup for a moment, before he replied

“Not really. If you hadn’t have let me win, it would be four-two.”

You froze

“You think I’d let you win? Get a grip, Lee.” You covered. This was your worst nightmare. First you let him win, but now he’s going to ask you why you did it and realistically you didn’t even know why

“We both know if you had really tried, you would have beat me.”

“Well, it’s not like you tried very hard either.”

“What do you mean?”

“You could have very easily pushed me off my broom again.”

“Yeah well- last time I did that I started world war fucking 3, so I wasn’t about to make that mistake again, was I?”

His words weren’t laced with hatred, but were instead playful and actually made you let out a small laugh

You lifted the cup he had handed you to your lips before speaking

“Why did you do that? In second year, I mean. You hadn’t really cared about quidditch that much before that match.”

“Honestly? I fancied you and wanted to impress you.”

You furrowed your brow glancing up at him, an amused look on your face

“Who the fuck told you breaking a girl’s ribs was a good way to impress her?”

His face flushed the same way it did that day in the corridor as he stared at his hands

“I was 12! And I thought winning would impress you which was why I went so hard, but I think I realised in fourth year that I was in the competition way too deep to give up at that point. By then I had grown to love it as much as you did.”

You crossed your arms and leaned forward, letting the silence envelope you again for a moment, the only sound the faint music radiating from the Gryffindor tower

“So - When’d you stop fancying me? Was it calling you a wanker or the fact that I literally wanted to destroy you?” You half-joked

You seriously wanted to know how long he had fancied you for

“I don’t think I ever stopped.”

You straightened up immediately

That was certainly not the answer you had expected

“Don’t be ridiculous.” You scoffed, staring at him with wide eyes

You hated how cute the way his face had flushed was, as well as the honest look in his eyes

“I’m being serious. You hate me, (Y/N), but the hate was never reciprocated.”

You huffed out a sigh

“I don’t think I hated you, I just- I was jealous. You’re perfect, Jeno. Jaemin just had to knock some sense into me that maybe winning doesn’t mean everything.”

He faked gasped

“The Slytherin lecturing the Hufflepuff on being a good loser? How backwards!”

“Har, Har.” You said, rolling your eyes, but you couldn’t stop the real smile grow on your face as you met his eyes

The fond smile dropped from your face as you saw how he looked at you

Lee Jeno, the boy you had sworn vengeance on when you were twelve was looking at you as if you were his world - and you liked it.

“Can I- Can I kiss you?” He almost whispered, as though saying it any louder would break the spell

“If you don’t, I think I will actually throw you off this tower.” You joked leaning in to meet his lips halfway

He kissed you with 7 years worth of love and in that moment, you didn’t care about who got the spot on the quidditch team

Life was more than just quidditch, and you were lucky enough to have Jeno to show you that.

#nct dream #nct dream x reader #nct #nct x reader #nct dream reactions #jeno x reader #lee jeno #lee jeno x reader #jeno fluff #nct fluff #nct angst #jeno angst #nct drabbles #nct headcanon #nct au #nct dream au #nct dream fluff #nct dream fanfiction #nct dream imagine

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pixiedoodlein · 3 years

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I’m so fucking mad that a year and a half into this pandemic I am back to 11th hour debating another year of homeschool. The first stretch of homeschool, in NYC, when the toddler was a baby, and husband was home on unemployment, was good, nice even, a quiet piece of something good when the world outside was falling apart. The next stretch, the Oklahoma stretch, with a particularly climby toddler, husband working 10 hour days, me doing remote contract work, somewhere we had no family around to help w/ childcare, was challenging. I was not always my best self. Some days were delightful, muffins and math games. Other days I was more Miss Trunchbull than Miss Honey, fractions were squeezed in between crying (usually mine) and netflix (way too much of hers), and I held on to any shred of sanity by telling myself “just a little longer, just until the vaccines.”

Well here we are. Husband & I have been vaccinated for months, but the kids aren’t yet. The upstate NY town we moved to is a very small town (pop: 838), was mostly untouched by previous waves. When we got here, I couldn’t understand why everyone was so lax about it- no masks, no panic. Our first day here, when I came home from the market and saw through the window a gaggle of unmasked kids in my living room (the neighbors coming to welcome us, they heard a kid moved in) I almost had a heart attack. In fact, I was so tired from the drive from OKC that for a moment I actually thought I was at the wrong house, that I was hallucinating, because how in the world could there be unmasked bodies in my living room.

Then I started talking to people here. And I realized that the way I thought they were insane for not being deathly afraid of covid, they thought I was insane for being petrified. Because the disease hadn’t hit here; their businesses were destroyed and their kids were out of school (in a rural area with barely functional internet, remote school = a lost year) and their lives were totally fucked up, for a disease that never arrived at their doorstep. I came to understand why they weren’t worried, why here life looked (almost) normal. I told them about what it was like to live somewhere covid tore through, the freezer trucks of bodies on the FDR Drive and my previously healthy 27yld brother so sick with it the first spring he thought he was about to die (but too scared to go to a hospital), my dad’s relative in the next NYC wave on a vent for months and lucky to be alive but may never walk again, the doctors in OKC pleading on the news to please wear a fucking mask because the hospitals were fucking full, and the neighbors stopped thinking I was psycho when I carried extra masks for their kids, and made them put them on, when I took them to town for ice cream. I never stopped masking. But we did indoor dine here (once, BBQ, it wasn’t delicious enough for how anxious I felt) and I did bring all the kids, including my toddler, to a fairly crowded children’s museum in the big (small) city an hour away, where the rest of us were masked but the one with his hands in his mouth, who was all up in other kids’ faces, the one who really should be masked, wasn’t because he won’t leave it on for more than a minute.

Actually it’s a lie to say that I never stopped masking- I have dashed into little stores here, without one, because I’m vaxed! It’s safe here! Covid felt done. We had friends come here to visit this summer. Friends who are vaxed, but that doesn’t seem to really matter enough anymore. We had the neighbors over for meals, indoors (you see, more indoor dining! A minute ago I was just thinking restaurants, but why would plagues only spread in restaurants?). They had us for meals. The girls are a crew, new best friends, making my daughter’s life here so, so much happier, constant sleepovers (their kids were at our house this afternoon; my kid is at their house right now). The parents and grandparents are wonderful, making my life here, and husband’s life here, so much easier, so much better. We help them with stuff, they help us with stuff, there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t see each other, unmasked. Some of the adults in their household are vaxed; some of the adults in their household are not. The kids are all too young to be vaxed. But it (living, doing shit again, seeing people again) really stopped feeling scary; it really felt like everything was fine, normal-ish, normal-er. The end of the pandemic felt in sight.

I signed my child up for school here. Real school, not mommy school, school with a school bus. She was a little anxious, I had to talk her into it, I sold it hard, I bought her whatever pair of new sneakers she wanted for her new school (she hasn’t had gym class in a year and a half; for a phase in Oklahoma she wore one boot and one sandal every day, why not). She wasn’t anxious about sneakers or covid; she was anxious that maybe she hadn’t learned enough in homeschool (I am not a teacher! I did not homeschool because I am good at it or love it or wanted to, I homeschooled because I was scared of her getting covid at school and dying), that she would be behind. She isn’t behind. I followed the real school curriculum as best I could (as in: sometimes totally and sometimes not at all), and somehow, when I gave her the standardized “real school” test “at the end of the year” (aka the day I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to focus on my work or I wasn’t going to have an income, the day I’d decided we’d done as much as we could and it was time to be done), she sailed through it, this kid is smart. Smart as in needs to be in actual real fucking school to stay smart and learn and reach her potential.

She got excited- one of the neighbor kids is in her grade. The other kid is older- but the school is small, she’d see her tons. She was excited; I was excited. I registered her for school. Her new teacher sent a nice note. We all were excited. She’s never taken the school bus before but the neighbors take it and she’d be fine on the bus with her besties, the bus would pick her up in front of their house since there’s nowhere to turn around up our hill (we are VERY rural), they’d all get on and off the bus together. She has been backpack shopping. We have been discussing what she’ll have for breakfast (honey nut Cheerios), what she wants me to pack for lunch (she says just Goldfish, I say turkey sandwich, we’re working on it).

But now, 18 days before school starts here, I am thisclose to pulling her out, to embarking on another lovely (not), gratifying (not) year of homeschool, because of covid, delta. When we got to our new home in our new tiny town in June, there was no covid here. Now, our county is listed by the CDC as a high transmission area (is there anywhere in the US that isn’t?). 80% of senior citizens here are vaxed; 50% of the total population is, well below the national average. 15 cases per 100,000, in a county of 100,000. I guess this is less rampant than our previous pandemic locales, NYC (currently 25/100K), OKC (49/100K). This is splitting hairs, everywhere is bad. This is what panic does to me: are we better or worse for every decision we’ve made in the past year and a half, every decision that got us here? There are fewer cases here but fewer people and fewer vaccinated people and fewer ICU beds. We aren’t safe even here, but at least we are happy (happy aside from fear of delta death).

I don’t know whether to send my kid to school in 18 days. There will be masks but masks aren’t enough (how many masks do I make her wear? two, ten, a thousand?). This choice feels crazy— in March 2020, when that covid was mostly sparing kids, I yanked her out of school. Now, this covid does hurt kids. How much longer, how many more years, can parents be in this position to make this nightmare choice? What will hurt her more: school or no school? There are vaccines, more than enough in America. We shouldn’t be having to make this choice.

As it is, because of toddler— not because of toddler, because of being a parent to children in a pandemic— my work life, and husband’s, will be severely impacted this year, again. I can’t send him to daycare because he’s too little to leave a mask on (he won’t even leave his pants on!) in a room full of other unmasked toddlers, whose families may or may not be vaxd, may or may not wear masks (there has been a noticeable increase in supermarket mask wearing since we got here, but still not enough, is any of it enough?), may or may not be going to parties and weddings and funerals, daycare providers who may or may not be doing all the same. This means I can only apply to remote jobs, so I can be home with him. Husband has some flexibility, more than he did in OKC, but god forbid he has to work while I have a work call or meeting or work due I didn’t manage to get done at 4am or 11pm when the house is quiet. He can’t bring toddler to work with him, his work is up on scaffold, stenciling ceilings. This will be another year of me muting myself on Zooms while toddler pulls his diaper off and hurls poop at the cat. Would it really be so much harder to also be trying to teach parts of speech to our daughter at the same time? Yes, it would, but I don’t know if I can send my kids back out into the world until they’re vaccinated. I am counting the days, holding my breath, until they can be.

I used to believe in personal choice. I don’t anymore. I want this shit to be mandated, I want the government to line us up and force mRNA into holdouts’ arms, I want it to be required, to be able to function in and interact with and benefit from society in any way, shape, or form. I have been very lucky in the pandemic. Privilege stacked on privilege on privilege, to be fussing over my Zooms in my hamlet. I had been pretty pandemic perky, baking my pies and playing with my pandemic pets and (thinking about) doing puzzles, but I’ve reached my breaking point. This shit could be done, but it’s not, and I’m scared it never will be.

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zirkkun · 3 years

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I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

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carrotzcake · 3 years

Text

this is just a quick synopsis of the past 24 hours. i would appreciate objective feedback b/c i don't have my scheduled therapy session this week and i may or may not be going insane (is this level of absurdity normal?)

special thanks to @songfortheasking and @theaeolianharpist for helping me thru when i needed them today

Tuesday June 22, 2021,

1am:

· home from [restaurant] job, realize I left my wallet at work

· difficulty sleeping b/c my body is hungry

7:45am:

· Wake-up, make coffee, get dressed, prepare to walk to & from [restaurant] work for wallet before 9am work meeting at [other job] which is sort of optional but I should probably attend if I can

· Maintenance decides to finally come fix my bathroom leak which involves my bathroom essentially being unavailable all day

9:30am-11:45pm

· Back from getting wallet, but not in time for 9am meeting; preparing for 10am meeting while trying to eat some semblance of breakfast

· No one can get into the 10am virtual meeting because the zoom ‘host’ is unavailable and didn’t configure his account settings to eliminate a waiting room

· A flurry of miscommunication via email/text/calls across 5 different people results in 10am larger team meeting being cancelled and a 10:15 Microsoft Teams meeting with my immediate team (i.e. PI/supervisor & research assistant/coworker)

· Coworker doesn’t show up to the Teams meeting because his phone was on ‘do not disturb’ and he missed my calls/texts and was busy with other work

· PI/supervisor mainly informs me that [surprise] the 9am meeting I was unable to attend turned out to be really important [coworker was there so he knows the update] but long story short, a major research study which we were all under the impression was transition to another team is no longer transitioning to that team and now becomes our responsibility. But because we were told it wasn’t going to be our responsibility, coworker and I (both of whom were just hired within the past 2 months) didn’t prioritize familiarizing ourselves with the study protocol

· But now we have to immediately take over data collection b/c the other team was too overwhelmed even though neither of us a.) know the study protocol and b.) know how to operate w/in the various systems of the institution (i.e. what platforms to use for scheduling/billing/communication)

· Bathroom at home is out of order so I might as well go into the office to work

12pm-2pm

· Try to figure shit out at the office w/ my coworker while having no point of reference or assistance from anyone who knows how to do anything we need to know

· Prepare for 2pm phone interview [i.e. read job application]

· Eat something

2pm-4pm

· Phone screening interview

· Try to send emails/catch up on Actual Work at some point

· Go back to apartment to get ready for job #2

· Stop at the grocery store because I literally have no food in my apartment

· It’s raining and my earbuds decided to stop working which seems to be from the adaptor piece I literally bought 3 days ago

· Tried to call my mom; no answer

· Change clothes, get update from maintenance man, eat something, sit down for 5 minutes before leaving to walk to job #2

· Talked to Julia on the way (thank you for keeping me sane)

· Get to work at [restaurant] and the new general manager who keeps trying to fix things that aren’t broken is getting on my shift supervisor’s ass for not counting the drawer right even though

o the reason it was off initially was due to the morning shift’s error

o the money still ultimately evened out

o only 3 of us closed the whole restaurant down the night before because we are so understaffed that we all had to do twice as much work and stay an hour after scheduled to leave to get it all done

o anyone working in that environment is prone to error w/ the level of distractions and exhaustion that we’re all feeling

o she’s a young black mother of 3 who’s also in school so yeah, she’s a little busy outside of work

· I almost went off on the new manager but went to clock in because we were already getting nonstop orders

5:00-12:30am

· work job #2 (w/o functioning headphones, enough staff, and literally on average probably at least an order every single minute)

· stayed late b/c we’re understaffed, wanted to help shift supervisor count the money

1am:

· arrive back at apartment

· need to shower and sleep as much as possible before maintenance returns at 8am to finish the bathroom

#insane #crazy day #exhausted

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dearfuturehusbandblog · 3 years

Text

Welcome To The World, LittleBean: A Life Update

Dear Future Husband,

My sister had the baby! And it made me depressed.

I kind of receded from the world for a couple of weeks and stopped talking to people I enjoy talking to, and stopped doing things I enjoy doing, and kind of stayed in my room unless it was absolutely necessary to leave.

Why, might you ask, would I have done such a thing as a response to such a happy event?

Well, for some of the reasons I've written about previously. The emotional weight of the sadness that comes along with seeing a younger sibling live through something you yourself desire but feel you'll never have, is probably the biggest.

But another reason I've been really down is because of my mother.

Dear old MotherLivelyHeart has problems.

I think I've mentioned this previously, but if/when I marry, I will most definitely be marrying INTO a family and as "out" of my own as I possibly can.

MotherLivelyHeart suffers from anxiety and depression. Shocker, I know.

In fact, my inner voice is comprised mainly of her criticism and negativity. Shocker, I know.

Dear old MotherLivelyHeart has never really wanted to be a mother, as far as I can tell. Shocker? ...I dunno.

When I was growing up, my mother used to always say "I only had children for the grandkids" and everyone would laugh. But HAHA! it wasn't a joke. I figured out pretty early on that she was kind of serious with that statement.

But nothing in my life confirmed that until she was on the phone with her machutanim on the day LittleBean was born and repeated that sentiment to them.

So, all my life, she's struggled with being the parent she never wanted to be in order for us to have offspring that she could love and adore and spoil and then send home to their parents without having to parent herself.

THIS is the "home" I came from.

THIS is the parenting I received.

It's absolutely no wonder I'm so screwed up.

My mother has been overbearing my entire life. And a lot of it comes from her own insecurities and anxieties and lack of the world living up to her expectations. Which is kind of understandable.

The problem comes when those expectations come at the cost of other peoples' comfort and safety.

LilSis had a c-section. The baby wasn't exactly breached, but was flipped at a weird angle and stuck. The baby was also a meconium baby, so while it was already over a week past the due date, LilSis thought she still had time. But as it turned out there wasn't any time because when she went for what she thought was a routine check up, they induced her and after two days of labor and nothing happening, they did the c-section.

Now, LilSis made it clear earlier this year that she didn't want anyone at the hospital with her aside from her doula and husband. No visitors, family included. The rest of us seemed to accept this, but MotherLivelyHeart just kind of smirked and went, "yeah, ok, we'll see about that."

And I get that LilSis is her baby.

I get that it's not easy to see your child suffer.

I get that she's been waiting her whole life to be a grandmother.

I get that she's had expectations about what it would be like to meet her grandchildren, especially her first grandchild.

I. GET. IT.

But when LilSis facetimed and showed us the baby and B"H the baby looked fine but LilSis was clearly too pale and weak and dizzy and needed to get off the phone, but again repeated that she didn't want anyone coming to the hospital, dear old MotherLivelyHeart's response was that she wanted to "surprise" them at the hospital.

"I don't need to ask permission."

"I'm not a 'visitor', I'm her MOTHER."

"I don't need permission to see my own daughter."

"I know what she needs, I'll just drop it off, give her a hug and leave."

"I don't need to see her, I just want to see the baby."

UHM, NOOOOOOOOO.

Your daughter is almost 30.

She's been married for over half a decade.

She has a right to her space and her boundaries for her little nuclear family and YOU ARE CROSSING THEM by even THINKING that would be acceptable.

And the next day, my mother called LilSis and asked her about something she wanted to bring with her. LilSis made it clear that she didn't want anyone to come. When my mother didn't seem to get this, my brother in law texted her a kind "now isn't a good time" message and my mother felt "ganged up on".

She went into a tailspin.

"They don't like me."

"What did I ever do to them that they hate me so much?"

"I've been dissed and dismissed."

"They've cut me out of their lives."

And sooooooo many other thoughts along those lines.

There isn't even enough space here to describe all the insane things she did as a response to this "rejection" she was experiencing.

She was 100000000000% projecting her own thoughts, expectations, and experiences with her own c-section onto LilSis and the whole situation was absurd.

Then LittleBean ended up back in the hospital because of some complications and LilSis and her husband still wanted space.

Now, what MotherLivelyHeart doesn't know, because I will never tell her, is that I saw LittleBean before she did.

Because I'm actually supportive and respectful of boundaries, when they got home LilSis and her husband allowed me to come by and drop stuff off, and run some errands for them (while they were still keeping overbearing MotherLivelyHeart at arms length). So I met LittleBean like 3 or 4 times. And the babes is absolutely precious. <3

LilSis and her husband finally let MotherLivelyHeart over this past week to meet LittleBean and help out and it's like a switch was flipped. Suddenly everything for MotherLivelyHeart is sunshine and rainbows and I legit can't handle the mood swings.

But I digress....

One night last week I drove around and cried and screamed for an hour.

It absolutely sucks when you have no one to talk to.

Which brings me to the next part of my life update:

I finally spoke to a therapist.

So, I thought I was ghosted by the therapist I wanted to speak to. It took a few days, but he finally responded there was an issue with his online scheduler and he needed me to reschedule.

Fine, whatever.

I rescheduled for two weeks from that date (which had already been rescheduled from two weeks prior). So, now it's been a month and a half.

Fine, whatever.

Well, my meeting with him ended up being earlier this week. As it turns out, this therapist I wanted to speak to isn't taking on new clients at the moment, so he was acting more as triage for his practice and had a 15 minute zoom call with me before picking a therapist from his practice he thought I'd connect with.

So the next night I had an hour and a half zoom call with her and she's absolutely lovely and has experience working with children and adults who have experienced similar situations to the one I'm in.

For $120 I had my thought processes and experiences validated.

But that's pretty much it.

She told me I sound pretty level headed and understand what's healthy and what's not healthy in my life and in my past (which is one of the problems with being an overthinker, overanalyzer, and having done extensive research to try and figure out WTF is wrong with me), and she told me there are some exercises to try and reduce stress because it's clear that I'm overstressed and have been since I was a child, and even possibly since birth.

But these are all things I knew already. These are all things I've validated for myself. Yes, it's nice to hear a specialist say the same things, but for $120!?

I literally had to use unemployment money to pay for that. Unemployment that I'm going to have to end pretty soon.

How on EARTH am I supposed to be able to afford continued therapy when it costs so bloody much!?

It's absolutely awful that the people who need therapy the most are the ones who can't afford it.

And I found an organization that claims to help anyone who asks without needing an explanation, so I messaged them a brief "my life is a mess and I need to talk to a therapist. I found someone I think I can connect with, but it costs $120." and they sent me $10.

They said they help anyone who asks without an explanation.

I gave a valid explanation with a specific amount requested.

And they sent me $10.

It just so often feels like I'm banging my head against a wall.

Like I'm a joke to Hashem.

This random organization was like a beacon in the dark. A sign from Hashem that if I reach out for help, I can receive it.

He put this organization into my path and awareness just at the time that I needed it.

All so that He could mock me.

OF COURSE the therapy practice I chose doesn't take insurance.

Not that it would help, because my OBAMAdoesntCARE has been PENDING SINCE OCTOBER.

So OF COURSE I have to pay out of pocket.

And OF COURSE it costs so damn much.

And OF COURSE when I reach out for help I get laughed at.

What did they think I was supposed to do with the $10?

That's literally 1/12 of what I needed.

Even the Torah has us give more than that in maaser.

I legitimately don't understand.

Where do I have to go and what do I have to do to get a sugar daddy to pay for this so I can get my goddamn life in order!?

I'm literally drowning out here and God is throwing me half-deflated pool floaties.

On the bright side, I keep making amazing non-Jewish internet friends.

Do you know how much that sucks?

That I'm literally getting more support from non-Jewish internet friends that live halfway across the world than I am from my own community?

And it sucks even more to know that Hashem put those people into my path too!!

He literally keeps giving me things that He knows will make me feel worse because they make me feel better but also disconnected from the Jewish community, and not giving me things that would make me feel better and closer to Him and the Jewish community.

What am I supposed to do with that knowledge!?

I've often wondered if maybe I just wasn't meant to be Jewish. Like maybe there was some mistake and my mother isn't really Jewish and therefore I'm not Jewish and this is Hashem's way of telling me that I just need to separate myself from the Jewish world and go seek a secular life because that's truly who I'm supposed to be.

Except that my parents were married by a really chashuv community rav who did his research and would not have married my parents if there'd been even one safek as to her Jewishness.

And so, I'm stuck.

I'm stuck feeling constantly disconnected from the community that's supposed to be my rock and support. By the God who's supposed to be merciful and kind.

It's exhausting.

Are you out there? Do you feel the same? Are you a BT or ger or someone else who has lived both lives and can explain to me why yiddishkeit is better?

I have too much Jewish guilt to walk away from any of this, but I have too much mental stress to keep striving to be a part of it.

It's utterly exhausting to be stuck in the middle.

I hope you're doing better than I am.

-LivelyHeart

#jumblr #frumblr #orthodox #shidduch #dating #jewishdating #jewish dating #jewish #frum #shadchan #shadchanim #shidduchim

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steve0discusses · 3 years

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The Fullmetal Alchemist Live Action Movie Part 7: More Philosopher Stones than their PC Farm Can Possibly Render

So last we left off, a bunch of weird stuff was happening. Mustang just set Envy on fire, Lust and Gluttony kind of walked up from stage left, and Ed and Hawkeye just broke out of bougie jail and barged through a chain link fence on some Jeep. Good thing Mustang is here to explain it all to us:

(FYI I am so bad at spelling homunculus. I don’t even know which way is real anymore.)

What is incredible about this movie is just how much everyone else already knows, while Ed knows freaking nothing. Also, if you know about homunculi, then you know about sorcerer stones, and you’d know about...most of the things in Fullmetal Alchemist. Assuming that Mustang, who can look at a homunculus tattoo and be like “yep that’s a homunculus” doesn’t know anything else is kind of a big leap.

This actor had fun. I legitimately enjoy the actor who plays Mustang, I really do.

Anyway, we do get a little bit more explanation at this point by going back to the part where Hughes dies and just...showing it a second time but with this extra reveal:

(see Hughes die yet again under the cut because this movie did it not just once but twice)

It’s at this point that Hughes turns to the phone and in his dying breath is like “It’s lab 5, go to the old POW camp, at lab 5” but not only did I think that the person on the line was the general (Because Hughes originally said it was the general) apparently now the person on the line is...Mustang? And that’s why Mustang knew about lab 5?

Like it’s...it’s just kind of confusing. I know this plot because I’ve seen the anime, but if you have not seen the anime beforehand or read the books, you’d be so freakin up a creek right now about why we saw this scene twice, and why it was completely different both times.

To make things even more confusing, that whole Tucker side plot is so random, that not even our baddies know what is going on with that whole Tucker side plot.

Anyway we have to give Gluttony and Envy have to do something in order to make their presence make sense. Honestly Gluttony just needs to have a single line in this movie.

Just everything is that same shiny neutral Phong. Look at all that Phong. Like other parts of this movie are passable, this was just so hilariously overlooked.

And like I dunno if this was a teeth harness or not but damn. Damn that looks stupid from the back, hahaha. He kind of lumbers slowly after these 9 dudes (same extras we’ve seen everywhere else, ps—this is still just the same guys) and it’s not all that scary because like...they can easily outrun him. The only way you can die to Gluttony is if you trip and then take a nap for a little bit.

Mustang gets hurt and it’s kind of funny how they shot it. It was actually rough to cap because they have to do so many tricks to not show us exactly what is happening, so they rely on sounds, on zooming in on people’s shocked expressions, because they Do Not Have The Budget to do more than this.

I don’t remember if this happened in the anime, too. Like from this point forward everything is kind of like “can you spot the source material?” because it’s just become so jumbled at this point.

Ed, who as you can imagine is a bundle of emotions by default, suddenly gets really protective of his mean Dad although like...we’ve barely made Mustang seem like a Father. Hell, we’ve barely made Ed seem like a kid. Why would he get weird and conflicted now?

Just the awkward teenage energy that only occasionally stems off of Ed is very unpredictable.

This is a full grown man.

Finally, we make it to Lab Number Five, the correct one this time. It’s got an alchemy circle…

It’s got a ceiling full of...zombie corpses, if you squint real good because I have to shrink all these images (Yes, they fit in the zombie corpses, but could not fit in the North or Father or Ling Yao or like anything Armstrong) It’s got everything that we need to put that nail into that Fullmetal Alchemist coffin, but ran out of time to fully explain or do.

It’s even got Al!

Yep, this is happening now, this part of the show. Ed is just having a WILD TIME trying to keep up with it and so are we.

So apparently Shou could just turn Al “off” this whole time. This explains why Al was just chilling under a blanket for 36 hours, but like...doesn’t really explain how Shou can do this or why he is bothering to do it right now.

But we need Shou because...well someone has to tell Ed what the plot is and what he should be doing at this very moment.

(Winry is here too)

So, with the threat of Winry getting shot in the head, Shou Tucker demands that Ed make it impossible to do any magic, because magic is very expensive and hard to animate. I could be wrong...but I’m pretty sure he also took off his right arm in the show at some point nearish to the end...I think? Forgive me, everything before 2020 is kind of a haze in my memory.

PS him ripping his hand off with all these sparks everywhere gave me serious Star Wars prequel vibes that I can’t explain. Something about the CGI, something about this contrived mess was like “Ah, I’ve felt this insanity before...long ago in a simpler time” and it was kind of nostalgic for me.

GOL LOOK AT THAT.

This Mickey Mouse glove just hot chilling on that sparking end. Hahaha I love it so much!

Shou just...delivers one of the most important reveals, sending Ed on a bit of a spirit journey because the stones he’s wanted for so long are actually very bad.

As you can imagine, because Ed likes to freak out, he has a big ass freak out, to top all freak outs. This actor spent like sooo much of his time just screaming at the ground. Which, I mean this is a shonen, so that checks out.

I’m just letting you know in case you decide to watch this movie and you have some epilepsy issues--skip this part. Just skip it. I don’t personally have it, but like...they went kind of extra in this part.

Now unlike the show, this movie has like...no apology for Dr Marcoh. Freakin stabbed him through the chest and was like “I don’t care if it means we can’t have the original FMA ending I freakin hate this guy” and you know...good on you, movie. Dr Marcoh was a really bad person. Thank you for not even attempting to justify this godawful man.

This crazy ass fanfiction movie.

Anyway, Shou directs Ed to look 10 feet up to get the rest of that juicy content. That Juicy FMA DLC that was within eye distance this entire time but youknow...cropped offscreen so it just didn’t exist.

Can’t believe this wasn’t the FIRST THING you’d notice when coming into this room, since Ed has been hardwired for red stones for like 10+ years. But youknow.

Anyways, we’re getting a ton of visual elements from FMA, just checking off that check list here in the last 1/3 of the movie. But wait, it gets weirder.

What I love about this is that Shou tells us all of this stuff because I guess Ed asked for Philosopher stones once, and even Shou is like...heyyy I figured it out! But like...hell would anyone even want to do this though?

Because that’s what happens when you have Shou freakin Tucker reveal the big master plan when he is not the big master. Like this explains nothing about Father, about Ed’s Dad, about the homunculi, about the corpses in the ceiling, like there’s just no explanation, other than just –“hey! Look at this atrocity I found just now!”

There is actually a horror element to that, where you don’t need to explain everything if you’re doing horror. If this were a horror movie, this would probably...be fine. You could have a fully explained movie by just saying “they turned POW camp people into rocks and now the zombies are here!” and that would be fine.

But it’s just...that isn’t this movie. I had so many expectations. And honestly...I expected way too much from 1.5 hours of content.

So Shou pulls a gun on Ed, which makes sense. Ed is lookin to make stones, and if stones are made out of people—then it’s time to kill Ed. First thing that make sense in this movie, but I don’t know if it makes sense coming from Shou freakin Tucker who made it seem like he just wanted to kill Ed because Ed got him arrested that one time.

It may have been just the translation on my end but like...Shou’s reason for pulling a gun out here was a little nonsense. But Shou himself is already a little nonsense anyway.

So we say goodbye, for the last time, being honest—he’s fully dead—he’s not coming back—to Shou Freakin Tucker. You were a mess Shou. I won’t miss you.

And if I forgot that this guy comes back, I fully apologize ahead of time, but I am 99% positive that I remembered that this guy never comes back.

(He might come back.)

And then Lust is like “Hakuro why did you do that? Like what are you even doing???”

And everyone else is like “Oh, the General. Of course. Why didn’t I uhhh….see that coming?”

Because they had to condense a whole bunch of corrupt Generals for this movie into one character, and so I guess Hakuro took it for the team?

Also these guys are here.

Just every single person standing in this room is pretty confused, as you can imagine. No one really expects to open up Volume 2 of FMA and it’s accidentally printed the last page of the entire series.

Anyway, that’s all for this 15 minutes (It was actually a little short 15 because there was ton of caps) I’m very tired because I did this workout routine with bro that was like 300 squats and I don’t know what day it is. I wrote “update blog” in my bullet journal (because it’s January, so I’m bullet journaling) so I’m just gonna do that because I want to use this green sparkly jelly pen and cross off all of today. Mm. Satisfying.

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/fma/chrono

#FMA #Fullmetal alchemist the live action movie #live action #fullmetal alchemist #recap #photo recap #ed elric #al elric #though putting al as a credit in this one seems like a stretch cuz he just freakin sat there the whole time #hawkeye #colonel mustang #maes hughes #shou tucker #just can't have enough shou tucker #Can you even believe that this went so quickly when I finally just did it? Amazing. Amazing how little productivity I had last year wow.#Hopefully this year I can get this blog back up to old productivity #we'll see what happens because it's still a bit of a weird situation outside

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royallyprincesslilly · 4 years

Text

Title: Arranged {4}

Yahya Abdul Mateen II x OFC Nyorie Kane

Warning: Mild Cursing. Plot

Words: 2.7k

Summary: Yahya is thirty-three, and his friends and family all seem to believe that it is long overdue for him to have a wife. He’s been set up more times than he can count and with his busy schedule and rising Hollywood star, it is becoming even more difficult to meet people, well people who aren’t looking for a come up. In the beginning, he said he didn’t want anything serious; his motto was “I’m was here for a good time not a long time.” Then it became he didn’t want anything that would distract him from where he wanted to go and what he wanted to accomplish. Now that his fame is rising and he’s approaching a sweet spot in his career he decides what the hell the time might be right.

In comes “A Match”, an exclusive matchmaking company run by his best friend Ramel’s wife Tamika. He gives Tamika and Ramel free rein and all his trust to find him, someone, he’d mesh well with. Instead of going through her clientele Tamika has just the right woman in mind, her best friend, Nyorie. Things are done a little unorthodox at “A Match” though. This unconventional route is credited for a near-perfect success rate.

Note: I’ve only tagged those who have expressed to be on a forever tag list.

***None of the images are my own***

**Loosely Proofread/Edited**

**Interactive**

Need To Catch Up?| Chapter one | Chapter Two | Chapter Three

✧*.。:。✧*.:。✧*✧*.。:。✧*.:。✧*✧*.。:。✧*.:。✧*

-Chapter Four-

Three days later he was staring at a stack of papers that was the contract agreement. Included in the agreement was also the usual fee for services. Tameka was making bank especially if this was the standard fee for every client. Among the papers was an extensive explanation of what she did, what she didn’t do, how she did what she did and what was expected. There was a code of conduct as well as termination policies. Inside the welcome packet there he found all the information about the different stages and the steps in each stage. This was very detailed and when he assessed it all, it wasn’t a completely illogical way to approach dating.

Yes, it was absolutely nuts to agree to marry someone without seeing them, but the saying love is blind was coined for a reason. No, it probably was never meant to be taken so literal, but the truth was the same. Love was blind, love should be found and established with the purest cornerstones. His only hang-up was if this was something that was logical for him and who he was now. He wasn’t some local baker, or a teacher or even a city planner anymore. He was an actor. Now most places he went, he was recognized, approached and watched.

Yeah he could go incognito eighty percent of the time and he was glad for it but he’d come to accept the luxuries of life before were not his luxuries now. He’d traded privacy for paparazzi, and traded clipboards for scripts. He still hadn’t gotten over the differences in his life from a year ago to today.

The more he flipped through the papers and read them over carefully he thought more and more about what the road would look like moving forward with this. He thought about the kind of connection he would want with a woman and the likelihood of finding it like this. He went up and down and around it for what felt like hours. He talked himself into it ten times and out of it ten times. He’d even written a pros and cons list and had thrown it out and done it again too many times. By the time he’d come up with a decision he was fed up with thinking about it. He knew it was the fear of the unknown at this point. The only thing that was in his head at this point was doing the damn thing. So that’s what he told himself as he tapped out a text to Tameka.

MSG: Let’s do it Meeka. Let’s do the damn thing!

He shook his head and tried to shake off how ridiculous he felt. He knew he was ready for it, but he just had to get out of his head with it and allow whatever was meant for him to freely come.

MSG Tameka: All right then. Fill out the paperwork, bring it back, fax it, courier whatever you choose. Once that’s processed we’ll start your screenings. Be mindful we’re going to be digging deep into your personality. Truthful answers are the only answers acceptable, especially if you want success.

MSG: Got it. Thank you Meeka.

MSG Tameka: You’re like my brother Ya. Anything I can do to help, I’ll do it.

He’d known Tameka for over ten years. They were similar. In the beginning stages of Ramel’s relationship, he took it upon himself to get to know her to be sure she was right for his best friend. It didn’t take him long to be convinced she would be a good fit for Ramel. Since then they’d gotten closer and she really had turned into someone he considered a sister.

He sat there in his living room filling out the first page of information.

“Name; Yahya Abdul Mateen II. Nicknames; Ya, Hya. Date of Birth; July 15, 1986. Gender; grade A man baby. Family; mother and one brother, four sisters. Ethnicity and Race; Black and Proud. Height; six-three. Religion; Muslim. Gender you are seeking; female. Marital Status; Single. Income.”

It was there he first paused as he tried to think of a response. Was he supposed to put his current net worth, what he had in the bank, what he was averaging per movie? He was probably thinking about too deeply, but he didn’t know what to put, so he put something basic and carried on.

“Comfortable.” As he got to the second page it got a little more personal. There was a question asking about his family history then another inquiring about his blood type. After that, it went into physical illnesses or mental illnesses. When he saw the big leap from there to asking about communicable diseases he blinked because it wasn’t even page six and already things were getting real.

He spent the next forty minutes or so answering the second, third and fourth pages that asked everything from STDs to medications currently taking. It was pretty detailed which he understood. These were important questions to know before matching someone. He zoomed through the questions about the reason for his decision for matching, and what his expectations were. He’d set the bar pretty low. He wasn’t sure what to expect so he decided to expect nothing spectacular. You can’t be disappointed if you never really set your hopes up, right?

By page six the real hard-hitting questions began. “What are you looking for in an ideal match?” He thought it would be a difficult question, thought he would have no idea what to write but that wasn’t the case. He found himself writing away.

“A woman who is down to earth, funny, honest and smart. A woman who knows what she wants from life and isn’t afraid to go out and get it. a woman who is caring, understanding, passionate, supportive, ambitious. Someone who is silly and has a silly sense of humor and doesn’t take themselves seriously. Confidence is major for me, someone who loves music as much as I do, has a great attitude, positive, classy but definitely kinda hood.”

He reread it and nodded his approval and continued.

“What’s your type?” A wide smile spread across his face because he knew his type. He’d imagined her several times over the months. “Curvy and thick in all the right places, meat on the bones, beautiful lips, expressive eyes, nice smile, shorter than me, fashionable, black and proud in everything that means.”

Thinking about his ideal woman and had him thinking what if Tameka actually pulled it off and found someone that was just right. What if in a few weeks his ass found a wife and not just another ex. That tripped him up and had him stepping away from the paperwork for a few minutes to collect himself and his thoughts with a glass of Henny. It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready, or he was reluctant for change, it was the reality of a possibility.

When he returned to the papers he earnestly answered the remainder of the questions that ranged from a full six pages about him and his dreams, wants, desires and another six pages about his ideal mate and what he would want her dreams, wants and desires to be. When he was finally finished it was almost three in the morning and he was exhausted. He’d felt like he’d done a mental marathon. There were questions in this packet he hadn’t thought about in years and at all. he took that as a good sign. The more in-depth the questions the better the outcome, right?

~~~~~~~~~

A day later he was sitting in an office with a couple Tameka introduced as Dr. Rachel Abramson and Dr. Martin Abramson. They were in charge of mental and emotional screening and preparedness. His first impression was that he would sit in a comfy chair and discuss his thoughts and feelings about beginning the process. For the first hour that is exactly what happened. They had him begin and assured him now was the time to get all his questions out. So, since they wanted him to ask questions he did.

“Are the two of you really that good to have so many success stories? There has to be one story of complete failure.”

The two of them looked at each other and then back to him before they busted out laughing. After a few moments, they finished and Martin spoke first.

“Tameka said you’d be a little apprehensive about the process.”

“She sure wasn’t lying,” Rachel added.

“Ha-ha-ha, very funny. You can’t blame me, can you? This is pretty peculiar.”

“Okay here’s the thing. On a scale of normal and insane, this is insane when you think of it from a societal norm perspective. We’ve all been taught and conditioned that we have to do things one way in order to find the love and happiness we want and deserve. So we go our entire lives on this hamster wheel trying it over and over and over no matter how many times we fail. No matter how many times we don’t find that love or happiness we want but heartache or loneliness. At what point do you change your perspective? At what point do you start to wonder what are societal norms doing for me? Here we’re changing up the norms. There is no reason why a different approach cannot work,” Rachel finished.

“We’re doing a different approach for the same goal. The only difference is our approach actually works and it continues to work. We’re that good at what we do because of the process and the screenings, these chats. We now know you want to be a believer, but you have to be shown the way. That will go into your profile and into the decision for those we cross with you for a match,” Martin explained.

Taking a few moments for their words to register he nodded then shrugged. “All right. I’m here. Let’s do it.”

That was when they began to dig deeper pulling him to talk about his entire life story, relieve every decision he’d ever made, every experience. He thought about things he hadn’t thought about in years. They had a way of bringing deeper meaning to his experiences, his struggles. They gave him worst-case scenarios and stressful situations, questioned his decisions in relationships and life. They dissected everything and the whole time they wrote note after note and exchanged look after look. After another two hours, he realized just how deep this process got. He felt like he’d just gone through the most extensive counseling session he’d ever had.

“How do you feel?” Tameka studied him with a slight “yikes” face.

“Damn that was intense.”

“Yeah, Rachel and Martin really get in there and tear you apart and put you under a microscope then put you back together. Usually, everyone who sees them says they feel refreshed leaving.”

“Refreshed? Meeka I feel like I just got a soul cavity search.” She laughed and shook her head.

“Boy, you so stupid. Seriously, it’s all right. It’s like this for everyone,” she assured.

“Are all screenings like this?”

“I wouldn’t say that. This one usually puts everyone through a wringer, you’re facing a lot of things, it makes you doubt yourself; it’s supposed to. It’s part of the process. The worst is behind you. You have three more screenings and then we’ll move on to the fun stuff.”

“What exactly is the fun stuff?”

Tameka smiled widely and zipped her lips. He didn’t have a good feeling about whatever it was she was talking about.

Sure enough, four days later he’d felt like he’d actually gone through the wringer. He’d completed the following screenings that focused on his potential mate love languages and expectations, and sexual expectations and intelligence. It was definitely an intricate process. From what he could tell those he’d dealt with really knew what they were doing.

After a quick trip to New York for work and a trip with his brother and sister to Vegas for some downtime, gambling and silliness he felt refreshed.

Today he dribbled the ball around the court with Ramel and crew he tried to keep his mind off of things. Tameka said they would go through his responses and screenings and put together a complete assessment that they would then use to go through their database of potential women he would mesh well with. He knew the processes couldn’t be rushed but he was getting a little anxious after three days and no notification on the status.

He was a little off his game and Rashawn was taking advantage of that. He stole the ball and dropped a perfect fadeaway bucket. He stood there shaking his head.

“What the hell has got your mind so outta the game you let Rashawn of all people steal your ball?”

They laughed at him together and he had to admit he deserved it. He walked to the sideline and dropped onto one of the bleachers. His boys sat around him taking sips of their water.

“Is this about this matchmaking?”

Rashawn and Tyrell both sounded off. “Hold up, matchmaking? Are you getting set up?”

Dropping his head back he rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t want them all to know in case it didn’t work out and he was in fact unmatchable.

“Yeah, I was trying something different, thought why not.”

“Okay. We didn’t even know you wanted someone. Why you ain’t say something?”

He shrugged and rolled his head around. “No reason.”

“So that’s why your jump shot is shit and your ball handling is even worse,” Tyrell chided. He laughed at the insult to injury, he was already feeling like crap.

“Man kick me while I’m down. Great.”

“Leave him alone. Tameka’s process is tough. In the early days when she was giving me the run down, she blew my mind with how detailed everything is,” Ramel defended.

“Right. Damn, I had no idea. After four days I felt like she’d unlocked a whole nother level to my personality I didn’t even know I had.” They all laughed but he wasn’t joking. He was woke before but now he was third eye woke.

“So you’re waiting for results now?”

“I’m waiting for them to finish analyzing my assessments. I think they’re screening me with potentials. I don’t even know.”

“You ready to meet someone? I mean you could have yourself a girl in a month’s time,” Rashawn voiced.

“He could have himself more than a girl in three months’ time,” Ramel corrected.

“Yeah, I’m ready. The interesting thing is throughout the whole process of them analyzing me and asking me every question ever invented it had me really seeing how empty my life has been and how stuck I was. It opened my eyes to show me what I had to offer and that I was ready to offer it.”

They all nodded fulling understanding what he meant. He was glad he wasn’t friends with men who ran from commitments and dogged out their women. He was glad he was surrounded by levelheaded mature men who sometimes acted like complete idiots behind their wives’ backs.

“Well, I hope Tameka can work some miracle because it will have to be one hell of a woman who keeps your attention cause God knows you got that ADD,” Tyrell piped up.

Again, they all laughed together, at his expense.

A few more days passed with him working even more. He went on more and more auditions and his name was being kicked around quite a lot. According to his agent and manager, his name was brought up a lot for different projects. The ones that had him super excited was the fourth installment to The Matrix and a Candyman remake. He grew up on Candyman and damn near tripped down the steps when he’d read the email about it.

The days passed quickly, and he traveled between NY, Miami and LA all for auditions, meetings, interviews, and photoshoots. he was busy but in the back of his mind, he wondered where he was in the process with A Match. The longer he went without hearing something, the more he worried that he was unmatchable.

As he was pulling into LAX from his recent trip to London Tameka’s message caught him off guard.

MSG Tameka: Great news. When can you come in?

His nerves went into high gear as one thing repeated in his head.

“So it begins.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***If you want to be tagged please SEND AN ASK SO IT WILL BE EASIER FOR ME TO KEEP TRACK OF. Thank you for reading!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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overdrivels · 4 years

Text

@romancedeldiablo just reminded me the entire cybersecurity/information security industry is having the greatest field days ever since this whole Covid-19 triggered a mass work from home exodus.

I have so much to say about it and all the security issues that are occurring. This mostly pertains to the US. This isn’t meant to scare anyone, they’re just food for thought and a bit of explanation about my industry.

PSA: Not all hackers are bad, just a reminder. There are very legitimate reasons for hacking such as compliance and research. When I talk about hackers here, I’m talking about the bad ones who are exploiting without permission and for malicious reasons.

The main thing about this whole working from home thing is that most organizations don’t have the infrastructure to support their entire workforce. Not every company uses Google Drive or OneDrive or DropBox.

This means that companies with on-premise servers, isolated servers or networks are screwed. Imagine trying to connect to your friend’s computer who lives on the other side of the world and controlling their mouse. Can’t do it. Gotta download something on both ends to do it. Now imagine that for 500 people at home who are trying to connect to a single server. You’d need to open that server/network up to the internet. That has its own risks because without controlling WHO can access the server, you’re basically allowing anyone (hackers especially) to go in and take all your data.

But then you ask, “Isn’t that what passwords are for?” BITCH look at your own passwords. Do you really think 500 people will have passwords strong enough to withstand a rainbow table attack or that the server won’t shit itself when receiving 500 connections from unknown locations by means of a not-often used method? Hackers only need to exploit one password (for the most part) while the company needs to ensure ALL 500 are protected. That’s difficult as all hell and if it were that easy, I wouldn’t have a job.

Then there’s shit like Virtual Private Networks (VPNs) and RADIUS servers that’ll secure the network connection so it can’t be hijacked and do authentication respectively. Here’s the problem. VPN solutions need to be downloaded on the client system (your computer). When your organization has very technically illiterate people, that becomes a nightmare. ‘Cause you have to set up their accounts on the VPN system and set the permissions for each of them so they can only access what they’re allowed to access otherwise Bob from sales now has access to the HR system with everyone’s social security numbers. It’s very time consuming and can get very complicated. Even worse is that VPNs often require licenses. When you only have 50 licenses and suddenly 500 people want access, you’re screwed. But you can always purchase more licenses, no problem. Here’s the rub. Suddenly, this VPN tunnel needs to accept connections from 500 people. This tunnel is only strong enough to accept 50 concurrent sessions. When 10x that amount get on, guess what? The tunnel shits itself and basically the company has DoS’d itself. Now no one can get any work done until IT figures out how to get 500 people on a system that’s only capable of supporting 50.

Fuck, almost forgot about RADIUS. There’s DIAMETER, too, but shut up about it. It’s an authentication system but depending on how it’s set up, you’ll have to also set up the users. That’s an extra step and it’s a pain in the ass if RADIUS somehow isn’t connected to AD and the user has different passwords and shit.

Not to mention hackers suddenly gaining access to all this information because they’ve already infected people’s home computers and routers prior to the work from home stuff. There’s very limited way for IT to control what happens on a personal computer, so these personal computers can have no anti-virus or security software. This means all data is in danger because someone decided Windows Defender is annoying. (Windows Defender is pretty great, btw.)

Physical robberies are occurring a little more because there’s no one to protect the stores and such. Physical security is taking a hell of a beating.

There’s been an increase in phishing scams around COVID-19. Unemployment sites are probably being (and probably already have been) hacked and the data is being stolen. I think there were some people who were creating fake unemployment sites to steal PII. There are e-mails going out to people saying stuff like, “Your computer has been infected with the CORONAVIRUS. Click here to clean it up.” And you’re wondering, “What sort of morons…?” Don’t. It’s very easy to give in to your panic. Hackers don’t hack computers solely. They hack into human emotion, into the psyche. Anyone can fall for their shit.

The thing with Zoom? Basically they’re so insecure, people are hacking them without issue. How? Because people are silly and put out links, chat logs are saved onto insecure machines that have already been hacked, there are a bunch of exploits available for Zoom, etc.

Healthcare organizations. Oh boy. So, we all know healthcare organizations are working their damnedest to save people suffering from COVID-19. Every second counts and any delay in that process could mean life or death. They work hard. Here’s the thing. There has always been a delicate balance between security and usability. Too secure and it’ll make it difficult for the end user to do their job. Usable without security just makes it easier for an attacker to do their job. Why am I talking about this?

Healthcare organizations usually hold sensitive information. Health information. Social security numbers. Birth dates. Addresses. Insurance information. Family member information. So much stuff. They are a beautiful target for hackers because all that shit is right there and it’s accessible. Healthcare organizations, by and large, do not put a lot of emphasis on security. That’s changing a bit, but for the most part, the don’t care about security. They do the bare minimum because guess what? Every additional control can add time to a doctor or healthcare worker’s routine. Computer lockscreen every 5 minutes? Now the doctor has to re-logon every 5 minutes. This adds about 15 seconds to their rountine. Multiply that several times over for every patient that comes in assuming a doctor will need to log in at least 3 times during a single visit. That can clock in at at least an hour throughout the day. A hour that they could’ve spent doing something else. So imagine more controls. Password needs to be reset. Need to badge in. Log into this extra program to access this file. Call IT because this thing locked them out. Each one of these normal controls now feel insanely restrictive. The ease of use isn’t there and so organizations might look at reversing these security controls, potentially making things even less secure than before in the name of efficiency.

Don’t @ me about HIPAA. I will start rants about how non-prescriptive and ineffective it is to actually get proper security implemented.

LOL @ internet service providers. Internet speeds are dropping due to the amount of traffic they’re getting. Commercial internet really wasn’t prepared for this. Those poor bastards.

Some organizations outsource their IT teams. Those people (Managed Service Providers aka MSPs) are not prepared for this nonsense. It’s popular now to go after these guys for hacking. An MSP usually works for multiple organizations. So, why try going after 50 organizations individually when you have just one organization with poor security controls managing everything from one place? You’d logically go after the one rather than 50. It’s easier.

MSPs are now overworked because they also have to work from home to connect to systems that can’t support so many people connecting to it on personal computers that the MSP can’t log into like they normally would to fix any issues. This makes them tired. What happens when you’re tired? You make more mistakes. And that’s exactly what hackers go after. Once they’re in the MSP’s system, the hacker can now potentially gain access to the 50 clients’ systems. Easy win.

Shadow IT and alternate solutions. This is another doozy. Imagine all your files and shit are on your company’s network. No one is able to access it because there isn’t any VPN or remote sharing system or FTP server set up for this stuff, but you still need to do your job. So, what do you do? Obviously, you start making stuff on your own computer using whatever you’re comfortable with. Google Drive. Dropbox. Box. Slack. That shitty PDF reader you downloaded three years ago and didn’t update.

Now imagine sharing it through things like your personal e-mail which may or may not have been hacked without your knowledge. Or maybe the recipient’s been hacked without anyone’s knowledge. Maybe your files are normally encrypted if they’re on the company network. Now you’re off of it and nothing’s encrypted. Maybe you forget it delete a file or 80 off of your system which has been infected. Or maybe you pasted shit on pastebin or github and it’s available to the public because that’s just easier. Now anyone searching can find it. This is how database dumps are found sometimes and they’re really entertaining.

Shadow IT putting in alternate solutions without the company’s knowledge is always a fucking nightmare. I get that people need to do their jobs and want to do things a certain way, but can you not be selfish and put everyone at risk because you decided your way or the high way?

That sounds awfully familiar…it feels like a situation that we’re going through right now…hey, wait a minute…

Long story short, this whole working from home thing opens up a lot of security issues. Most companies are ill-equipped to handle IT issues, let alone cybersecurity/information security/IT security issues, but because of that, we’re seeing a lot of interesting things happening. Such as finding out New Jersey’s unemployment system runs on a 60+ year old programming language.

Holy shit I can talk about this all day. I’ve definitely glossed over a lot of stuff and oversimplified it. If anyone wants me to talk about any specific topic related to this or cybersecurity or information security in general, drop an ask. I’m always, always more than happy to talk about it.

#drivels drivels #BACK ON MY BULLSHIT #EXCEPT THIS IS REAL LIFE BULLSHIT

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allie1804-fan · 4 years

Text

Please Assist Me (Chapter 18)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Ch6apter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15 , Chapter 16, Chapter 17

Warnings: Explicit Content

He Said

At last in January of 2021, the schools opened and we felt like there was more every day normal going on. There were a few more restaurants open with outdoor service too so Sophia and I had the occasional lunch out together when he had free time. I was training hard though so I didn’t have much free time which meant we tended to need to stick to Hollywood rather than driving out to the coast off the beaten track and that was our first mistake. Sophia had been my assistant for almost 2 years now so it wasn’t odd for us to be seen together but as there was almost never any other women seen with me, Cheryl alerted me that pictures started appearing in gossip rags, putting 2 and 2 together based on their (correct!) reading of intimate gazes and body language.

She Said

In the new year, a few photos started to come out of me with Keanu online and in gossip rags. The publicity wasn’t hugely invasive and I wasn’t too bothered by it - my family and friends knew the truth so this only really attracted random contact on social media from acquaintances being nosy rather than any real invasion at first.

My first direct experience that the attention was getting invasive came one day at the school pick up. I had noticed a man hovering at a distance from the gates who I was pretty sure wasn’t a parent. My attention was torn away when my kids came out but as I turned to take them to the car, I saw a teacher cautiously approach him and after a brief exchange he turned on his heal and left. That’s when I spotted the camera slung over his shoulder. A couple of days later, pictures of me and the kids were published on-line on a gossip site. The kids’ images were a little blurry but still, I was furious.

He Said

“Fuck!”

I’d just clicked on my phone on a link Sophia had sent to me for a photo news site showing pictures of her and the kids at their school gate. Some low life pap had tracked them down and deemed them newsworthy because of her link to me that had been emerging more and more frequently of late.

I forwarded it to Cheryl and asked her to arrange an urgent call with her and my lawyer to work out an action plan. Then I called Sophia, nervous that I might be in for a tirade of Spanish insults.

“Hun, you OK?”

“No, I’m not OK. Que pendejo insoportable!”

Here we go, I thought!

“who me?!”

“No, no, the photographer, this isn’t your fault!”

“kind of is though isn’t it?”

“No, I won’t let you take the blame – but we have to stop them. The kids need to be kept out of this right?”

“Yeah, I’m waiting to hear back from Cheryl. I asked her to arrange a call with the lawyers. I’ll let you know when they can set it up OK? And I’m sorry, even if you say it isn’t my fault, it wouldn’t be happening if we weren’t in a relationship.”

She sighed.

“We’ll figure it out, OK, I just, I need to keep them safe”

“I know, I know sweetheart”

We managed to issue a cease and desist order on that particular photographer to not take further photographs of the children and put out a general statement asking the press to respect their privacy but that did seem to have the effect of making them more thirsty for pictures of Sophia and I – we were still game. As pictures circulated of us eating out or on bike rides, this apparently spawned a trend of what I understand are called “Trolls” seeking out Sophia on social media to send her hateful messages to ‘leave me alone’ and to stop ‘trying to wheedle her way into my life’ and ‘get her grubby Latino hands on my money’. And, she said, if they didn’t do it directly, there would be comments underneath her photo on fan sites with people expressing their disgust at my choice of romantic partner. On top of that, there was a lot of denial - people saying that Sophia was and could only ever be my PA – just like Janey they said. Good grief the world really had gone to hell - why did who I was dating even matter?

Apparently there were many people being kind and saying it was nice that I’d found love and that she was beautiful, might give me the babies I’d missed out on etc etc but I could see the comments of the trolls weighed on her mind and lodged there far more than anything positive. Eventually I said she should really just follow me into the social media free wilderness. She could keep an active messenger service for group chats with friends and use a cloud service to share photos of the kids with our parents but for her sanity, she needed to drop Facebook, Instagram and Twitter before she went insane!

She Said

I knew I shouldn’t get drawn into looking at what Keanu’s fan base were saying online but the curiosity was hard to control. I actually only started getting drawn in after the trolls started tracking my down and sending me abusive DMs. That made me want to know if there were any positive voices or if these nasty people basically spoke for the whole of his fandom. I found myself wasting so much time going down rabbit holes trying to find out who these people were but there was no way to do that really.

When my general tetchiness finally got too much and Keanu said I should join him in the 1990s and get off social media, I knew he was right but at the same time it was infuriating as I had got so used to using it for sharing news, family photos, jokes etc as well as using all the messenger tools to connect with my friends. After all the isolation of 2020, this new isolation felt like a kick in the teeth but I felt so childish to think that way and didn’t dare say anything to Keanu. Having never been on social media, he just wouldn’t get it! After about a week though, I had to admit I felt better and admitted that his way was probably the sane option – after weeks of anxiety, I finally felt free from the worry of silly people out there who didn’t know us personally having an opinion about whether we ‘should’ be dating.

Happily, we also had a trip to New York to look forward to - Keanu would be starting filming on John Wick 4 and we were heading there as a family with around a week free to enjoy the city together before he would start on set.

The kids were beyond excited to be flying, not ever having done so before. They each had a little pull-along case and we booked first class so we would have as little time as possible milling around in the public spaces at the airport. I was sure there’d be paps about - we couldn’t ban them from taking our photo altogether even though we’d asked for their privacy to be respected so I was desperate to minimise their chances.

When we got to LAX, it was literally minutes after we’d got into the building when a fan approached asking for a photo. Keanu started to try and explain that he was on his down time with his family and would they mind if he didn’t take one today but he hated the crestfallen look on their face and he quickly suggested that we split up and meet up in the lounge. I rummaged through my bag to get his ticket out and handed it to him with a pointed look at the woman before heading off to check in with the kids, not caring that my silent displeasure might make it online somewhere to be used as evidence of what a bitch I was!

We went on through to departures and waited a good half hour before he showed up.

“Hey Keanu why did you take so long” Eva whined.

He chuckled.

“Sorry honey, but I guess it’s because ‘I’m Duke Caboom, Canada’s greatest stuntman’ he boomed, tickling her sides “and sometimes that means people want to say hi and take a photo so it took a while to catch you up.

“Oh OK” she said matter of factly not at all phased by that idea. I guess she knew how excited Julie and Miranda’s kids had been when they zoomed with him when he was in Berlin so it made sense to her even though Toy Story 4 was the only thing she’d ever seen with him in so she had no idea just how truly famous he was!

“You’re too good to them” I said, still a bit put out that we’d already been separated for a while right at the beginning of our trip.

“Yeah, but it never ends well if I’m an ass…. I mean not nice and you’ve got to remember that I’m usually ‘so high’ on a screen and seeing me in real life is exciting …. to them at least” he said cocking an eyebrow at me as if to say that I no longer saw him as special.

“You’re exciting to me too silly!” I said, relenting a bit from my sulk.

He squeezed my hand.

“Don’t worry, I’ll try to give off some ‘stay away’ vibes in New York so we can all hang out like real people.

“I know, I’m being a bitch, I just wanted this to be, you know, normal”

When we arrived in New York, we had a car waiting so were quickly away from the airport and managed to pass through it without being bothered. On the journey, the kids were pressing their faces against the car windows to see the famous sky-scrapers and there was much anticipation of getting to his apartment to see how their bedrooms looked. We’d arranged to have them decorated and bought new duvets and drapes which Keanu’s maid service had taken care of putting up for them. We got take out pizza for the first night and once again I felt safe and cocooned from the outside world of fans and paparazzi.

He Said

It was strange that Sophia and I had been together for not much short of a year before the public interest in me, and its impact on living our lives, really became a pain in the ass and the source of some conflict between us. I had to remind myself that I’d been living this way for about 20 years and had learned to just allow a little extra time in my day for stopping for a photo. It only affected me when I was on my own so I had to learn to see if from her point of view - it was a shock to her system basically. She’d been my PA for 2 years but we had rarely needed to conduct our business in the public eye so she hadn’t even experienced the attention when we weren’t dating – it was all happening in the context of her being my significant other and with the backdrop of the online trolls and the need to protect her kids.

I guess it would have happened much sooner if I hadn’t been away filming for almost 5 months shortly after we started dating so we’d had an extended time of being together but with no-one outside of friends and family knowing. I tried to tell her we should be grateful all this hadn’t started sooner. I’m not sure that was the right thing to say!

My celebrity did have some advantages though and in New York I’d managed to arrange a private tour of the Empire State Building and rink side seats at a Rangers game. Those earned me points but we weren’t so lucky in Central Park. My apartment isn’t far from there so we headed out for a walk one afternoon, ending up in in the Conservatory Garden figuring that this would be a nice place to be by some water but not where most people would be like Bethesda or the model boat pond.

We’d bought some sandwiches on our way (my time to enjoy the pastrami, pickle and Russian salad I so love) and settled on a bench to chill and rest the kids’ legs when I saw a guy across the other side of the pond raising his camera. It was clearly a Pap with a long lens. I’m normally not a hot head but it was such an intrusion to our pleasant afternoon that I handed Sophia my sandwich and marched up to him.

I was striding fast, not caring much that my stance was clearly threatening and some people idling by the pond scuttled out of my way. The Pap, surprisingly stood his ground until I reached him, squaring up to him.

“Just what in the hell do you think you’re doing? We’re just having some private time as a family and you come along determined to ruin it!”

I was yelling and drawing the attention of others by the pond but I didn’t care.

“hey man, you’re fair game” he responded brazenly.

“Yeah that’s right, I, me, I’m fair game, me not them ,now get the hell out of here”

He was a short weasel of a guy and I was towering above him. He soon thought better of trying to take a picture and scurried away. A woman a few feet away spontaneously clapped!

“Good for you Keanu” she said.

I blushed, coming down suddenly from the adrenaline of the confrontation. It has been a long time since I’d even spoken to a Pap. I usually just ignored them, occasionally putting my hand in front of my face to ruin the shot. It generally wasn’t worth antagonising them but this dude had pushed it too far.

I thanked her and returned to the bench. Sophia handed me back my sandwich while the kids eagerly asked why I’d been shouting at the man. I explained as best I could and I think they were grateful that I just wanted their mom and them to enjoy their time without strangers photographing them.

A couple of days later, Cheryl let me know that the guy made a claim on-line that I’d assaulted him – no actual legal claim was made, I guess because he knew it was bullshit. That was quickly proven when people quickly came forward that they had witnessed it and no such thing had happened. I wondered if the lady clapping was one of them.

She Said

After the Central Park incident, I was so proud of how Keanu had stood up to the paparazzo but we still made a decision to do most of the tourist things without him after that. I couldn’t see us being in Time Square, The Lego Store or the M&M store with him alongside us comfortably. And that was strange and a little sad for me to be back to the single parent feeling, having experienced some very cherished family days.

Our time to go home was fast approaching and I was keen to get one day just for the two of us. Luckily I have a cousin in New York who wanted to spend time with the kids and they offered to take them on the boat trip to the Statue of Liberty for the day. We made the kids breakfast and handed them over to my cousin with backpacks, ready for their adventure.

We just had coffee ourselves as we were planning on a brunch out for ourselves later after some us time between the sheets!

The minute the door was shut, Keanu was pulling me by the hand back to bed.

We quickly shed our pjs, climbed under the covers and started to kiss

Keanu soon reached down and started to gently tease my folds. I moaned into his mouth thrusting myself against his fingers.

A thought came to me and I pulled back and asked

“Can we um, try something today ?”

“Mmmm - what?”

“Well you know your movie, Siberia? “

He nodded

“Well, I watched it while you were away and, um that thing with your thumb ....”

“Oh you want that do you?” - a wicked grin spread across his face

“Well we can try that lots of ways ….. so, we can try that from behind. Get on all fours for me”

I obliged and I felt him slip his stiff cock into me, my folds parting with a pop. He was moving very slowly, then after a few thrusts as I was moaning softly, I felt his wet fingers reach around to gently tease my clit. He did it just enough to make me moan louder but not enough to make me cum. Then he pulled out leaving me bereft

“What?” I cried out

Then he rolled over on his back and pulled me onto him.

“And then there’s lady on top”

I happily sank down on his cock and started to ride him. I was groaning but at the same time I could hear my voice quavering as I neared orgasm once more. He licked his thumb, this time, re-enacting the Siberia moment making me throw my head back in pleasure. I was about to lift off, my voice raised in pitch but again he stopped me before I could, holding my hips to stop my movement.

The he flipped me over onto my back and straddled me, making me wait a few moments as he played with my breasts and smoothed his hands down my sides .

“And finally we can try man on top”

“Will you do that thing ?” I asked

“What the thumb ?”

“No, well yes, but first the thing where you lift me onto you”

“Oh like our first time?”

I nodded, glad he remembered.

He obliged lifting me onto him, pulling me up, ensheathing him slowly so I could feel every vein of his rigid cock and he could feel every ridge of my tunnel.

I was wailing by now each time he pulled me up then released me – I could feel his cock getting even harder when he asked simply

“Ready?”

I just whimpered and nodded my agreement.

He Said

I was so close to coming, I needed to really focus to give her everything she deserved.

I manoeuvred her fully onto her back and encouraged her to lift her legs up over my shoulders.

This allowed me maximum access to thrust in all the way to her cervix and pump in and out.

I could already feel the beginnings of her orgasm, her pussy pulsating around me. It was as if she was a beautiful flower, attracting me with her petals then sucking me in, holding me there in a vice like grip to take what she needed from me. It was primal and all encompassing

As I felt the ripples get more intense, I managed to balance on my left hand and free my right hand, lick my thumb and circle it over her clit.

That was it, it was all over for both of us. She clamped around me, her legs quivering and I shot my hot load inside shouting out as she screamed “yes, yes oh god, yes”

My thrusts gradually slowed, I was still moaning and fighting to catch my breath. I eased her legs down and lay on her just holding my weight off her by resting on my elbows. I gave her a sloppy kiss before easing off her onto my back. I still couldn’t speak. and just squeezed her hand. Tears leaked out of my eyes and I gulped, looking across, I found her in a similar emotional state.

“Wow that was - god I don’t think I’ve ever, ever come so hard”

“Me neither - love you so much Mr Reeves”

“Why do you always call me that after really great sex?”

“Dunno” she chuckled “maybe to give you the respect you deserve for making love to me so, so ….”

“What?”

“So masterfully, so beautifully”

“Mmmmmmm”

“Let’s have a snooze before brunch yeah?”

“Mmmm”

I think she was almost asleep already as she turned away and I spooned behind her, holding her warm breast in the palm of my hand.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithk’eanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles @bitchyslut99

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu #keanu reeves #romance with boss

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littlesliceofmarvel · 5 years

Text

Faded Memories

Request/Synopsis: Reader is dating Steve Rogers, and one day something goes wrong on a mission and Steve believes she died, but she was taken in by Hydra, wiped and experimented on. Eventually, Thor saves her and the two become close as he helps her remember her life, and Steve finds out she’s alive.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of blood and torture-ish

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

A/N: This is reallllyyyy long! If there are mistakes going from third person to first person, I apologize! Also, I used google translate for the Russian so I apologize if there are mistakes there too. As always, gif isn’t mine (he’s so beautiful i want to cry), and my inbox is always open for requests! xx

The day before the team heads out on a mission usually consists of meetings, briefings, weapon stocking and no sleep. Nothing was different this time around - the team sat around the conference table at the compound listening to Fury give them every last detail and coordinate about their task.

The only thing is, no one could shake off the bad feelings they had that something was going to go wrong. Everyone felt it, but not because anyone doubted their abilities or because this mission was different than others, they just had a gut feeling.

“So, I’m going to need you guys to do this quicker than you are all expecting. Rogers, Wilson, Stark and Barnes are going to go in through the back and take down whoever is inside, Romanoff, Barton, and Y/L/N, you guys are going in through the roof, you’ll grab the hostages and set off the bomb. You guys have fifteen minutes maximum, alright?” Fury finishes, bringing up a hologram of the building they were about to break in to.

Everyone nodded, understanding their individual responsibilities. Y/N leaned back in her chair, not being able to shake away the horrible feelings she was harbouring about tomorrow night’s mission. Something wasn’t sitting right with her, and by the look Steve gave her, he was feeling the same.

Fury dismissed everyone and told them they were wheels up at 3pm tomorrow, so rest was important. Y/N sat back as everyone shuffled out of the room, waiting for Steve to approach her so she could walk out with him.

“You’re feeling it too, huh?” She asked him, “Something isn’t sitting right.”

Steve nodded, placing his hands in his pockets as he walked out of the room with her, “I don’t know what it is, maybe Wanda’s messing with us.”

Y/N shook her head, laughing, “She can play tricks on us but I don’t think she’d do this.”

Overhearing them, Tony turned around and walked alongside Y/N, “You gotta shake past it. Go in tomorrow with confidence, guys, that’s the key to life.” Y/N and Steve rolled their eyes at Tony’s statement, making the billionaire shrug.

“I’m not letting it get to me,” Y/N kept her eyes ahead of her as she walked down the hallway to where the living quarters were, “Besides, I’ve had this feeling many times before and nothing has gone wrong.”

The two waved goodnight to Tony and made their way into their room, Y/N throwing herself down on the bed and kicking off her shoes as Steve laid down next to her. She shook off the feeling she had and turned to face him, smiling.

“I’m really digging the long hair, you know,” she smirked, running a hand through his hair, making him sigh in content, “I think you should keep it like this.”

Steve chuckled, looking up at her as if she was his source of life, “Is that so? What, my shorter hair wasn’t good enough for you?” He lifted his upper body slightly, facing her as she continued to gently run her fingers through his soft hair, sending shivers down his spine at her delicate touch. On the battlefield, Y/N was an absolute force, her strength outweighed most beings around her, but in moments like this, she was delicate, gentle, and Steve adored it. He adored her. And she adored him right back.

“I liked the short hair,” she grinned, “But the long hair look with the beard is really something else, Stevie.”

Steve grinned at the nickname - he loved all the little names she came up with for him. He came up with a bunch for her as well, and every time a new one would come up, she’d blush and her heart would soar at how happy she was with him. Sure, dating within the Avengers was something Fury didn’t totally recommend, because being constantly thrown into the line of fire is just what every couple wants, right? But they did it. They pushed past those insecurities and doubts and fell head over heels for each other, and nothing could come in the way of that.

“We should go to bed, darling,” Steve mumbled, sitting up and placing a light kiss on her forehead as he got up off the bed, “We’ve got an early start tomorrow.”

Y/N groaned, realizing he was right, and threw her body off the bed to prepare herself for another restless sleep, mentally preparing for tomorrow’s mission.

The take-off couldn’t have come any slower. The day dragged on for what felt like years before the team geared up and hopped on the quinjet, Maria Hill taking up the pilot’s seat. The jet was usually filled with bubbly conversations, the team chatting away before they were thrown into battle, but something was different today.

Y/N sat on the far end of the jet with Steve and Bucky, who talked about how insane technology had gotten since the forties. She tuned them out, focusing on the clouds zooming past them as they took off into the sky, turbulence not having an effect on the jet in any way.

She wanted to join their talk, but something told her this was really not going to go well. Natasha noticed her discomfort and walked over to her, sitting down on her right.

“I don’t think you should let that feeling get the best of you,” she said quietly, a hint of understanding in her voice, “In my experience, bad feelings tend to get the best of you when they shouldn’t.”

Y/N looked over to her, nodding, “I know, I’m sure it’ll go away once we get there. Maybe it’s just nerves.”

Natasha smirked, crossing her arms as she leaned back in the set, “Maybe you’re pregnant,” she whispered, making Y/N’s eyes widen as she looked over to Steve, making sure he didn’t hear.

“Nat, fuck, I’m not pregnant,” Y/N whispered back, causing the redhead to laugh, shaking her head.

“I’m kidding, but that was priceless,” she continued laughing, not catching the attention of Steve who was too interested in his own conversation to notice the commotion. And Y/N was too invested in her conversation with Nat to notice that the jet was lowering, preparing for landing.

The red light turned on, signalling the back door was about to open, so the team threw on their weapons and gadgets, ready to run into whatever this mission was going to throw their way. Y/N discussed with Natasha how they were going to evacuate the building before Clint launched the bomb with 15 minutes until detonation.

With a swift kiss on the lips from Steve and a quick ‘I love you’ Y/N jumped out of the jet with Nat and Clint, landing on the roof as quietly as they could, watching the jet leave to let the others out on the ground. Y/N made her way towards the fire escape, preparing to jump in through a window. The hostages were on the fourth floor of a six floor building, so the three of them were going to have to rush their way down. Clint dropped the bomb down one of the pipes on the roof leading down to the basement, knowing that the bomb would tear this whole building down from there.

Y/N opened a window as quietly as she could, checking her surroundings before jumping in, landing as quietly as a cat, and pulled her gun out, preparing to shoot at whatever moved. Nat jumped in behind her, Clint following afterwards. Y/N motioned for Nat to go down the right hallway and Clint down the left, and they followed her orders.

Y/N walked down the hallway in the center of the room, looking around through all the open doorways and openings to see signs of the hostages. She made her way down to the very end of the hallway and walked into the final room, and she realized why she had a bad feeling about this.

In the center of the room, three people were strapped down to chairs, blood covering their bodies, but no signs of anyone else. ‘If they had hostages, why didn’t they cover them?’ Her mind was running with endless possibilities as she scanned her surroundings.

“I got them, but stay where you are,” Y/N spoke through the comms, looking around the room as suspicion started to bubble inside of her, the realization that this was a trap hitting her like a brick. Written on the wall in what appeared to be blood, the words HAIL HYDRA made Y/N freeze in her step.

She turned around and ran towards the hostages, almost dropping in defeat when she noticed none of them had their eyes open - they were already dead.

“Get out! Get out now!” Y/N shouted, turning around to run out the door when she noticed it was closed, a bomb plastered on the back of it counting down from 40 seconds.

“Shit, fuck, guys, get out!” She shouted again as panic washed over her body.

“Y/N, tell us what’s going on!” Steve shouted, his breathing heavy as she could hear hear the voices clouding her mind, telling her she wasn’t going to make it out of this one. There were no windows, and the only way out would trigger an explosion big enough to take down everyone in the building, including her team.

“Steve, I’m serious, it’s a trap, you guys have thirty seconds to get the fuck out!” She shouted again, running a hand through her hair as she faced the inevitable. She was going to die alone at the hands of Hydra.

“I’m not leaving you,” Steve’s voice cracked and Y/N felt her heart break.

“I’m not asking, please, you guys need to leave-”

She was cut off by the sound of Natasha, “I’m sorry, Y/N. Steve, we really need to leave. The jet’s out front.”

Y/N didn’t take Natasha’s comment personally, she was trained to not show emotion and to stay focused, and right now, she wanted the least amount of casualties possible. Steve fought to stay, but Natasha dragged him onto the jet, tears already forming in his eyes as he was about to lose the love of his life. Y/N was pissed at herself for letting this happen, for leaving Steve, but she couldn’t think straight, fear and regret taking over her body as she curled up in the corner of the cement room - alone.

Y/N couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye to him as the bomb ticked down from ten seconds, “I love you, Steve. Thank you for everything, all of you.”

No one had time to answer before they were cut off by static, watching below as the building exploded, the flames flying high into the sky, and they couldn’t take their eyes off of the crumpling building below. She was gone, Y/N was really gone. Natasha wrapped her arms around Steve who poured his heart out, crying into her shoulder. Clint closed his eyes, letting the tears fall as he sat down, Bucky sitting next to him, not saying a word.

“Fury... Agent Y/L/N is down,” Tony’s voice cracked as he leaned against the wall, turning off his communications to avoid Fury’s answer as he shut his eyes, not understanding how they didn’t see this was going to be a trap.

They felt defeated, as if they had failed her. Her death was on them, even if it wasn’t really on them. The jet was silent apart from the sniffles and the low rumble of the engine as they took off back to the compound, completely and utterly lost.

F O U R M O N T H S L A T E R

To say that time had been moving slowly would be an understatement. Time had never gone slower than the past couple of months. If it were any slower, the world would be going back in time. Y/N had never experienced a more brutal, painful four months. She didn’t know how she was feeling, all emotions wiped from her body, but she knew she wasn’t feeling good.

“Солдат, каков твой статус? (Soldier, what’s your status?)” A voice broke through Y/N’s daze, snapping her attention to the voice that spoke. She sat upright, eyes dark.

“Нет статуса, директор. (No status, director.)” She replied, swallowing sharply when she knew what was to come. She was ordered to take down five men, but only managed to get to three of them, leaving two witnesses to run off and warn whoever they were working with. She knew that this was going to piss off her director, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t feel anything.

“Итак, ты провалился? Это ты мне говоришь? (So, you failed? Is that what you’re telling me?” The man snapped at her, approaching her face as she turned away from him, looking straight ahead.

“Я не подвел. Трое мужчин все еще мертвы. (I didn’t fail. Three men are still dead.)” She replied, voice harsh. She was constantly being given tasks that ended with multiple people dying, and although she didn’t always get to everyone, she had over a dozen kills on her resume already.

After the explosion, Hydra had found her bloody body sitting in the room, still alive. Without thinking, they took her to their Siberian base, wiping her mind completely and turning her into an assassin and having her follow every order they gave her. They made sure to keep her out of Shield’s watchful eye, not wanting the Avengers busting down their doors to save the damsel in distress. If Y/N still had her memory, she’d realize this was exactly what they did to Bucky, and she’d be pissed, so pissed. But she didn’t know anything outside of this. For all she knew, she had been here all her life, following the dark commands of the voices of Hydra without question, slaughtering people without so much as a second thought. The bodies piled up, and her mind became darker and darker with each passing day.

Back at the Avengers compound, they had no idea what was going on with her. They had mourned, they even hosted a funeral (which Tony paid for, wanting her to have an extravagant send off, of course), but they continued doing their duties as heroes to save the world. They didn’t bring her up that often, except to ask Steve if he was okay. He was the only one who wasn’t fine, the one who laid in bed every night alone, missing her warm body next to his, missing her smiling face in the mornings, but Y/N knew none of this.

She didn’t even remember Steve.

“Ну, ты знаешь, что происходит сейчас, солдат. (Well, you know what happens now, soldier.)” The man looked to Y/N with an evil smirk, and she understood what he meant. She stood up, walking over to the large chair in the center of the room surrounded by machines. She sat down as the machines approached her, preparing for what was to come.

Before the machines could touch her, she heard shouting from the room next door. Not paying much attention, she turned her eyes to the machines next to her, which started sparking. That usually wasn’t a good sign.

“Что происходит с машинами?” One man shouted, trying to turn it off so that it didn’t cause too much damage. Y/N sat there, unfazed by what was happening as the men ran around, unplugging everything they could, but the white sparks started making their way around the room, lights flickering as the shouting grew louder, closer.

Y/N stood up, picking up the machine gun that sat on the table and pointed it towards the front door, glowing coming from behind it. She stood in front of the Hydra men, protecting them from whatever was about to break in.

The sound of the door breaking down made the men behind her jump back, Y/N resting her finger on the trigger, the light from the doorway almost blinding as she could see a figure approaching them. A really large figure, at that.

Shouting came from behind her as the men shouted at her to shoot, but curiosity had the best of her and she waited to see what this figure was going to be. As the light died down, a man stood in the doorway, short hair, detailed silver armour, and a large hammer in hand.

“Стреляй, солдат! (Shoot, soldier!)” Y/N was snapped out of her thoughts as she re-aimed her gun, pointing it at the man’s head. If there was anything she knew about herself now, it was that she had impeccable aim. The man in the doorway noticed the gun aimed towards his head and he lifted his arm, swinging his hammer in circles and launched it at her, sending her flying across the room with a painful groan. She looked behind her, noticing the large indent left on the wall behind her in the shape of her body and looked back towards the intruder, whose eyes were wider than anyone else’s she had ever seen.

“Y/N?” The man asked, a deep accented voice making her stop in her tracks.

She raised an eyebrow, picking her gun off the floor, “Who?” She pulled the trigger, hitting him in the shoulder as he let out a groan of pain, falling back to the floor.

“Y/N, it’s me, Thor.” The man groaned, “ We were friends.”

Y/N approached him, pointing the gun towards his face, “I don’t have friends. I don’t know you.”

Thor groaned, clutching his shoulder as confusion washed over his body. He had heard of her death, he even went to her funeral, so he had never expected to stumble upon her here. And now, he had no idea what to do. He knew what Hydra did to people, what they had done to her, and he felt it his responsibility to save her. So, he lifted his hand, summoning his hammer back to him, Y/N’s body being the only thing in the way as she held her aim on his face.

The only thing she felt was an immense force hitting her from the back as her vision went dark, her body collapsing on the ground.

“You’re awake,” a booming voice brought Y/N back to reality as she sat up, head pounding as the pain coming from her back started acting up again, preventing her from getting up.

“Oh, god,” she groaned, squeezing her eyes shut, “Where am I?”

“London,” the same voice said, and Y/N’s eyes snapped open, looking over to the man in the doorway. The same one that broke in - he had kidnapped her. She took a second to realize what was going on and jumped out of bed, slowly walking over to the guy and launched a punch to his face, making him stumble back as he gripped his now bloody nose.

“Oh, what the-” he was cut off by her legs wrapping around his neck from the back, her knees digging into his throat as she shifted her balance backwards, causing the two of them to collapse on the ground. Thor seemed to shocked to move, so Y/N lifted herself off the ground and kneed him in the stomach, picking a lamp off of the table and threatening to knock him over the head with it.

“Why did you kidnap me?” She asked, holding the lamp steadily. Thor groaned, rolling over slightly, using the table to help him sit up.

“My god, calm down, Y/N,” he pulled his hand away from his face to hold grab the lamp out of her grasp, “They really messed you up, huh?”

Y/N’s eyebrow raised in confusion, “Who? Why do you keep calling me ‘Y/N’?”

Thor sat up, sighing, “We have a lot to go over.” Y/N felt at ease around him, she didn’t know who he was, but something about him made her feel safer, and she didn’t know why.

T W O W E E K S L A T E R

“So, that’s me?” Y/N asked, looking over footage of the 2012 New York attack, her eyes settling on herself, running around with a group of other people in spandex suits, fighting robotic centipedes. Her eyes fell on the blond man in the star-spangled onesie, something about him made her heart clutch, and she had no idea why.

“Yeah, and that’s me,” Thor grinned, pointing a finger to himself confronting Loki, “And that’s my stupid brother.”

Y/N smiled, for what seemed like the first time ever, “He’s the ‘adopted’ one?” Thor nodded, making Y/N sigh. She was trying so damn hard to remember her life, but nothing seemed to click. Thor had shown her countless videos and images, telling her every detail about her life before Hydra. But to her, she had no life before Hydra. She didn’t know how to feel about all of this, still not trusting Thor fully. She knew that Hydra was going to look for her, and she wasn’t safe anywhere she went. But slowly, she started to feel herself relax, although still aiming a weapon at any noise, a gun placed under her pillow at night.

“You should eat something,” Thor mumbled, looking over at the broken girl next to him, “Something that’s not bread.”

Y/N nodded slowly, walking over to the cupboard and looking through, trying to find something to eat. For months, Hydra had fed her nothing but bread and sometimes a mixture of lentils and rice, but nothing that was in the least bit appetizing. To her, it was fine, it was all she knew, so now that she had the restricted freedom to pick something to eat, she didn’t feel right. Everything in her screamed to run back to Siberia, to burry herself in that Hydra chamber and let them torture her, rip her apart, she felt like that was her duty, but she stayed put, the smarter half of her brain taking over.

“Where do you keep the bread?” She mumbled, looking to Thor who shook his head with a small smile.

“I’m not telling you, you need to eat something that’s actually good for you,” He stood up, walking over to her, his body being much larger than hers. He knew that forcing her to adjust to this new life wasn’t exactly right, she needed time, but he was trying to help her. He hadn’t told the Avengers, he hadn’t told anyone that she was alive, he couldn’t throw her into that just yet.

She didn’t ask about them either - she still had no idea about their existence apart from the brief videos Thor showed her, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She was in a new life now, and she was slowly starting to come to terms with that.

O N E M O N T H L A T E R

“C’mon, sunshine, picking up a gun needs to be less of a necessity,” Thor chuckled, walking back into the small apartment with a bag of groceries as Y/N sat on the couch, catching up on pop culture that had been wiped from her mind.

“Sorry,” she chuckled, putting the gun back down on the table, giving Thor a small pout, “It’s a hard habit to break.”

He placed the back on the floor and sat next to her, placing his hand on hers lightly, making sure she didn’t pull away, “I know, it’s okay, but I’m the only one coming through that door, so you don’t need to shoot at me.”

Y/N chuckled, looking over to him, “Or do I?”

Thor smiled down at her, happy with how she was becoming more confident in herself. She still didn’t remember much about her past life, but small glimpses were coming back to her in her sleep, and she was glad that her past was no longer this vision that she couldn’t reach, she felt more connected to herself. It was a lot to take in, everything that had happened to her, but Thor’s patience was the most helpful thing she could have.

“So, um, I think it’s time I stop lying to the team, I think you need to meet them again,” Thor said softly, his thumb grazing over the back of her hand as she let out a sigh. She knew this was going to happen, and she knew she had to face them eventually, but something told her that this was a lot more than just a re-meeting.

“I think so too,” Y/N sighed, looking at Thor who gave her a soft smile, “I think I need to be more in touch with my past to remember who I was, you know?”

He nodded, “Of course, I’m not forcing you, but I was thinking the same thing.”

Y/N closed her eyes, letting out a deep breath, her stomach already doing flips inside of her, the fear of facing her old team being slightly overwhelming. She didn’t know how they would react. She was alive, yes, but she was nowhere near the same person that she was the last time she saw them.

For two days, she didn’t sleep, the thought of what was to come overbearing her thoughts, but she didn’t step away from it. She was ready. A gun lodged in her waistband, she followed Thor through the Avengers compound. The beating of her heart overpowered everything else in her body, and she couldn’t stop her legs from shaking, her steps slower than usual. Thor had announced to Fury they would be coming by and told him not to tell anyone, to keep Y/N a secret until she was in front of them.

Y/N was terrified. Hydra had changed her, and the thought of the team not liking the new her was a huge possibility. She had seen flashbacks of them in her sleep, and Thor had told her their names so she wasn’t totally clueless. As he opened the doors, he told her to stay behind.

She did as he said, and he stepped into the room, being greeted by the Avengers as he shut the door behind him, hiding Y/N. They had a brief catch-up session before he cut them off, telling them he needed to say something important.

“I’m actually here for a reason,” he said, everyone falling silent to hear what he was going to say as he looked over to Steve, sadness in his eyes, “Um, about five.. six months ago.. Y/N um.. got stuck in that building...”

The team shared a look, not really sure where he was going, but he was visibly nervous, rubbing his hands together. Y/N on the other side of the door was leaning up to it, listening to what he was saying.

“She... um... man, there’s no easy way to say this,” Thor rubbed the back of his neck, “She survived.”

Natasha dropped her mug on the floor, coughing. Bucky nearly spat out his food, looking over to his best friend who sat there in silence. Steve’s eyes were wide and red-rimmed, his fingers shaking slightly at Thor’s words.

“What?” he asked, voice cracking as he stood up, leaning on to the table for support. His heart broke, the thought that she had survived and not come to see them tore him apart. But the thought that she was alive... there was no way.

“I, uh, I know this is hard to believe-”

“Damn right, why should we believe you?” Tony asked, jaw clenched at the thought that Thor was lying.

Thor raised his hands, “Look, she was taken in by Hydra, her, uh, memory was wiped, the same thing that happened to Barnes,” Thor continued, the silence in the room almost being too much for him to handle. Steve sucked in a deep breath, not knowing how to feel as he looked to Bucky, who held his head low at the thought of what they did to him happening to Y/N too.

Steve was in shock, he couldn’t wrap his head around Thor’s words. For six months, he mourned, he cried, he felt his heart mould itself apart and back together over and over, and now, she might be back.

“So, what, she doesn’t remember us?” Natasha asked, eyes watery as Clint placed his hand on hers, “How do you know this?”

Thor lifted his hands once again, “I found her. She’s been with me for about two months, maybe less, I needed to help her get her memory back-”

“You had her for two months and didn’t tell us?” Tony snapped, dropping a piece of his suit as he approached Thor, “What the fuck?”

The god stuttered, “She was terrified, please - guys, please, be calm - she needs you guys to be calm. She has been through hell and back, she’s done a lot of stuff, just, please - for her.”

Tony took a deep breath, leaning on the back of the couch as he looked to Steve, who had slow tears making their way down his face.

“Where is she?” He asked, dreading the answer, yet wanting it more than anything.

“Right on the other side of this door,” Thor mumbled, looking to the ground as Steve let out a small whimper, shaking his head as he looked up.

“Can we see her?” He asked softly, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms and kiss her, protect her, and love her.

Thor nodded and slowly opened the door, poking his head out to the other side to motion to Y/N to come in. She took a deep breath and nodded, making her way slowly into the room. When her eyes locked on Steve’s, she almost ran out and never wanted to come back. Something inside of her connected to him, but she didn’t understand why, wanting to push it aside. His eyes were red, she knew he had been crying. Next to him, a shorter man with brown hair next to a woman with red hair, Clint and Natasha. Y/N gave them a small smile, not seeing another person approach her from the side.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and panic set in, she gripped the gun from her waistband and aimed it at the man she recognized as Tony Stark.

“God damn it, Y/N, put the gun away,” Thor groaned, placing a hand on her shoulder, making her instantly relax. Steve noticed how she reacted to him, and his heart broke even more realizing that he wasn’t the one to help her out of a broken place.

He was.

And she didn’t even remember him.

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sebastbu · 4 years

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My Top 40 Movies of the Decade

***just my opinion***this list is not set in stone either***

1. 12 Years A Slave (2013)

What Steve McQueen has managed to do with this movie in nothing short of the best thing art is capable of. He takes the horror of humanity and turns it into a heart shattering tale of the best of humanity. A film that could have sunk easily among the brutality it contains, instead soars with Solomon’s survival. It is one of the most life-affirming, uplifting works of art I’ve ever seen. It makes you cry, it makes you shout, it makes you cheer, it makes you breathless. In short, all the things movies are best at. Not just a definitive movie, but a definitive work of art.

2. The Act of Killing (2012)

This has my vote for the best documentary film of all time. What begins as a transfixing profile of the mass murders responsible for the 1965 Indonesian genocide quickly transforms into a Brechtian nightmare as director Joshua Oppenheimer somehow convinces these men to stage scenes for a fake movie reenacting their crimes. As the film progresses you can hardly believe what you’re witnessing. Horrifying, yet you can’t look away. Oppenheimer holds your attention for every second. What’s captured for film here is truly unique, ground-breaking, soul shaking. A statement about the banality of evil as profound as Ardent’s essays.

3. The Tree of Life (2011)

Malick has reached his final form here. An organic art form, pure cinema, visual poetry, whatever you want to call it. Nothing but a movie could be this. The images he crafts here are as close to a religious experience as I’ve ever had watching a movie, and probably ever will. In exploring childhood memories, Malick’s style perfectly matches his subject manner. He use of ellipsis and fluidity mirrors the way memories flash through our heads. It is as if we are witnessing memory directly, unfiltered. This movie will move you in ways you didn’t know a movie could.

4. The Social Network (2010)

That Facebook movie? Hell yeah that facebook movie. What Fincher and Sorkin have managed to do is take what could be a standard biopic, or dull tech movie, and made it into an epic tale of betrayal, greed, friendship, coming of age, and identity. Ross and Reznor’s score pulses, as does the dialogue. This movie starts the instant you press play and it doesn’t let you catch your breath for one second until the very end. Endlessly quotable, perfected acted. A masterclass.

5. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

What can I say about this movie? Every shot is perfect. Every joke, beat, pan, zoom. Well, I guess I’ll say this. This movie disarms with its charm, its facade. But at its heart is a wrenching tale of loss, nostalgia, and the fleeting nature of everything, especially those we love. A jewel of a film. Anderson makes sure you’re cozy and then pulls the rug out from under you, and suddenly you’re crying.

6. The Master (2012)

Career best performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Lushly shot. Greenwood delivers another ground breaking score. PTA has made an aimless film about aimless characters that nevertheless is riveting. At the end, you may not know exactly how far you’ve progressed, but you’re sure glad you went on the journey.

7. Drive (2011)

This is not an action movie. It’s a love story. The now famous dream pop soundtrack. Ryan Gosling doing so much with so little. Refn’s breathtaking cinematography. Diluted dreams. Crushed hopes. Silent gazes, filled with more emotion than dialogue could ever render.

8. The Revenant (2015)

An achievement of pure cinematic insanity. I still have no idea how they got some of these shots. A brutal, thrilling story of survival among nature’s cruelty. Inarritu’s camera is like magic in this film, uncovering the previously thought not possible.

9. La La Land (2016)

A reinvention of a genre that somehow manages to have its cake and eat it too: a nostalgia trip that also subverts expectations. Right up there next to Singin’ in the Rain, in my book at least. How on earth was that only Chazelle’s second ever movie?

10. The Lighthouse (2019)

TELL ME YE FOND O ME LOBSTER! WHYD YA SPILL YOUR BEANS? IF I HAD A STEAK ID FUCK IT. That about sums it up.

11. Parasite (2019)

Bong Joon Ho has made a beautifully twisted psychological thriller that is also hilarious, touching, and a lasting commentary on class and social mobility.

12. The Florida Project (2017)

Baker’s approach of setting this story from the viewpoint of children makes it a glorious romp through a world of innocence as well as tragedy, and also makes it all the more emotionally impactful.

13. Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

It’s all about the cat. Alongside the Coen’s mastery of dialogue and the side character, as well as the beautiful folk music, this film acts as a deeply moving portrayal of depression, and how sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

14. Moonlight (2016)

Expertly crafted. Expertly acted. Expertly shot. A gorgeously rendered coming of age story. I’m not really the person who should speak of its importance. I’ll just say: it is. Very. A movie that will stun you.

15. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Practical! Effects! Yeah, that really is Tom Hardy swinging fifty feet off the ground on a pole as explosions go off behind him. A feminist, post-apocalypse, road trip movie brought to you by the director of Happy Feet and Babe 2. What more could you want?

16. Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

A wonderful celebration of childhood and of fantasy. Anderson crafts a world you want to return to again and again. Anyone else get jump scared when they realized Lucas Hedges was in this???

17. Arrival (2016)

I love Denis Villeneuve’s films for so many reasons. The most important I think is that he balances entertainment and artistic depth so well. Like all great scifi Arrival is not really about aliens, it’s about us.

18. Inception (2010)

A film that runs on all cyclinders. Smart, funny, jaw dropping, just plain fun. Nolan manages to build some surprisingly moving moments as well.

19. Gone Girl (2014)

Ah Fincher and his twists. Rosemund Pike at the top of her game. Ross and Reznor return with another gripping score. Around the narrative, Fincher creates a fascinating portrayal of the media and marriage, one with endless twists and turns. You never quite know where it’s headed.

20. Sicario (2015)

A second thing I love about Dennis Villeneuve: he does point of view characters better than anyone else.

21. Enemy (2014)

A third thing I love about Dennis Villeneuve: he plays with genre and narrative structure unlike anyone else working right now.

22. Incendies (2010)

A fourth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: he’s given us some of the best female lead characters this decade.

23. Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

A fifth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: he somehow managed make a Blade Runner sequel work. Here’s hoping for Dune.

24. The Look of Silence (2014)

The companion film of The Act of Killing. Oppenheimer does it again, this time focusing more on the victims of the genocide. Groundbreaking cinema.

25. Shame (2011)

Slow clap for Michael Fassbender. Slow clap for Carey Mulligan. Slow clap for Steven Mcqueen.

26. Hereditary (2018)

Using horror to examine mental illness and family trauma. Aster has made a new classic of genre, taking it to new heights.

27. Under The Skin (2014)

How to make a movie about an alien descended onto earth in order to capture men and engulf them in her weird black room of goo? Make a very alienation movie. Chilling. Otherworldly. Haunting.

28. Son of Saul (2015)

In making any holocaust film there’s always the risk of feeling exploitative. Nemes’s radical camera work, focusing almost entirely on the main character’s face in close up leaves this concern in the dust. The horrors enter only at the corners of the frame, while humanity is firmly centered the whole time. An important film everyone should see.

29. Whiplash (2014)

As visceral and heart pounding as the solos performed, the film as a whole is a perfectly made portrait of a obsession.

30. Amour (2012)

Haneke takes his unforgiving approach and lays bare a topic with incredible emotional depth. The result is deeply moving without ever being sentimental. I’m hard pressed to find another film about old age that is this poignant.

31. Birdman (2014)

A whirlwind of a film. A high wire act. The long takes turn it into something more akin to a play. A pretty damn good one at that.

32. Once Upon A Time In Anatolia (2011)

What’s Chekhov doing in the 21st Century? He’s in Turkey. He name is Nuri Ceylan.

33. The Favourite (2018)

Lanthimos turns down his style and turns up his humor. The result is the best of both worlds: a dark, twisted tale of power and a hilarious parody of monarchy and British costume drama.

34. Phantom Thread (2018)

PTA delivers again. What could easily have been another tired tale of the obsessive artist and the woman behind him is instead a fairy tale-ish ensnaring of two people’s ineffable pull towards each other.

35. A Hidden Life (2019)

Still fresh in my mind. Malick’s late style is given the backbone it needed in the form of a relevant tale of resistance and struggle. A meditative, prayer-like film about the power of belief.

36. Prisoners (2013)

A sixth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: his movies have layers, but only if you look. Otherwise, the ride is pretty great as well.

37. Manchester By The Sea (2016)

A masterclass in doing less with more.

38. Foxcatcher (2014)

Bennett Miller does biopics unlike anyone else. That is to say, maybe better than anyone else working today.

39. The Witch (2015)

Eggers’s first foray into historical New England horror. A chilling commentary on the evils of puritanism.

40. The Kid With A Bike (2011)

The Dardenne brothers managed to make a gut-wrenching tale of childhood, masculinity, abandonment, the power of empathy, belonging, and redemption in 84 minutes. Here’s a suggestion. Watch this movie. Then watch it again. A better use of the same amount of time it takes to sit through The Irishman. Oh wait, no you still have 30 minutes left over.

#movies #top10 #decade list #movies list #2010s cinema

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