#it til i was 18... and that's about the time my health issues really starting rearing their heads

[narafeedee]

Do you think you could talk more about what happened during those five weeks where you gained 50 lbs? I can only imagine that it was a mixture of amazing and annoying to grow so rapidly, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!!

sure!

before i start i have to preface with some warnings; this gets pretty detailed and graphic regarding some of the health issues i had at the time. do not read if you are not okay with that please.

i was in a weird spot at the time; my husband had left me a couple months before all of this and i was exploring myself and who i was now that my marriage was over. a large contributing factor to that separation was feedism; my sexual needs just were not met with someone who wasn’t into it.

it started early in the week of Thanksgiving, Tuesday 11/20/18. i met a feeder online four years prior who had gotten me from just above 200lbs to 300lbs slowly but steadily. to this day the best feeder i’ve ever met, sincerely considerate and never once crossed any boundaries.

he came to me with a proposition the weekend prior; gain from 300lb to 350lb by the end of the year and i will fund it.

say less.

that Tuesday was the first time i ever video called with another feedist; it wasn’t the feeder that proposed and funded this challenge, instead it was a guy that pushed me to eat until i threw it all back up because he’s really into emetophilia, i didn’t really know the limits of my stomach so i let him.

however, that evening launched me into the most insane five weeks of my life.

when i woke up Wednesday morning i was somehow starving; despite not keeping anything down the night prior my stomach had still stretched out considerably. that on top of how insanely horny i was at the thought of packing on 50lbs by new years i spent the entire day shoveling in as much food as humanly possible. i didn’t count calories that day, just pushed myself to the absolute limit.

when i woke up Thursday i was impossibly hungry and ready to do it all again. i did the same thing as before, just as much food as humanly possible all day; i distinctly remember dinner being a large pizza, garlic knots, specialty chicken, lava cakes, and a 2 liter of soda from Domino’s.

when i woke up Friday i had a goal; 10,000 calories a day until the ball drops.

and that is exactly what i did.

every morning i would wake up and drink a pint of heavy cream for an easy 1600 calories to start the day right. i would swing by McDonald’s on my way to work and get two McGriddles and a large iced coffee. i’d get to work and have a blender bottle on my desk also full of heavy cream and sometimes condensed milk, i would either drink straight from it or add it to cups of coffee from the break room.

at lunch i would always order with my coworkers to have something delivered… but i would also leave on my lunch break and go back to McDonald’s for 4 McChickens and a large diet coke. then come back to the office and eat the lunch i had ordered with my coworkers.

after work i would swing through another drive thru, often McDonald’s once again. I’d get a couple sandwiches but nothing crazy, just a light snack to hold me over til dinner.

i would order massive feasts for delivery from Domino’s or I’d go back out after dark and order enough food for a family of 4. you guessed it, usually from McDonald’s.

to finish my night, i would drink another pint of heavy cream. totaling 3200 calories of straight fat every single day.

the weight piled on rapidly; new stretchmarks were appearing daily.

this is where i should put a disclaimer. this is all 100% true, every single detail is lived experience. i know it sounds insane. it was. i have literal scars to prove it. one feedist saw me do it live and in person, in the flesh, i believe he follows me on here so if you’re reading this G, please corroborate.

i gained 10lbs a week through the end of the year. i was cumming harder than i ever had before. my entire life was consumed by food and gaining.

i did not have a bed to sleep in at the time; there were some other issues i was dealing with that made it so i had to sleep in a recliner in my living room.

because i was gaining so rapidly and sleeping with my legs below my heart, i developed extremely bad edema. my legs were so swollen they started to weep a clear liquid; i would put on a pair of leggings and they would be soaked from the knee down before i even left the house. my shoes were soaked. i developed ulcers on my shins that just would not heal, the skin almost looked necrotic but they would just weep all day every day with no relief and stick to anything i tried to wear.

mid-December i was bursting out of my clothes. most of the weight i gained went straight to my belly. i went on a little shopping spree at Torrid and had to buy all 5’s and 6’s for the first time.

my mobility suffered at this point as well. i couldn’t do much of anything without getting red-faced and winded within a minute of moving. i had a step tracker at the time and was only walking about 200 steps a day, literally the bare minimum for me to go to work and come home.

i had no time for my body to adjust to the weight so i developed a heavy waddle. my back absolutely killed me.

i swear some days i woke up actually feeling fatter and looking fatter. it was the absolute hottest thing i have ever done and probably ever will do. i started at about 303lbs and landed at 357lb on New Year’s day. my gains didn’t actually slow down til i was in the mid 360s despite my efforts to pump the brakes.

would i do it again? absolutely not. i was in excruciating pain and the ulcers on my legs did not stop for an entire year (after i gained another 50lbs in an 8 week period but we ain’t talking about that [even tho i still have all the content i made from that gain lol])

but if i went back in time i would not change a thing except better leg elevation and compression. i do not regret it for a second; it’s what shaped me as a feedist and i’m grateful i was able to do it, i don’t have pics from when it was really bad but the scars i have today are still evident.

so yeah! that’s the story! sorry it’s super rambling, i sincerely hope it was coherent, now i gotta go clean my toys so i can take care of myself cause lord 🥵 thems some intense memories, my only regret is i deleted 99% of the pics and videos i took at that time.

here’s a couple more pics; one is my cart at the grocery in early December, the other is a screenshot of the weight gain calculator i used from the same week when i realized i didn’t have to eat 10k a day, i could make it happen with 7k a day but the former sounded much better (read: hotter) to me

[punnkzero]

Let’s talk about how I started this and went nowhere with it. If I’m being honest completely on brand for me. But like I said once before everyone has a story and here’s part of mine.

I have gone in and out of my depression for YEARS, like I can only remember my life from after the age of 12 which is quite scary given that I am currently 18. Like that is most definitely a bad thing that I have little to no recollection of my childhood, but if I look at a picture taken when I was real little I get a fuzzy memory. Like I said I struggled with my depression for quite the while, and it was to the point that I got comfortable with the pain so the next time it got bad again it wasn’t too surprising it was as if I was greeting an old friend. Getting to comfortable almost killed me,and did in fact cause me harm.

Now I’ve been bullied for everything in the book through the years and talked down on by friends, family, and others alike so I’ve grown to deal with things a bit funny. I’ve had issues with self harm, disordered eating, body image issues, the whole Shabam.

Everything that I do has a reason even if I don’t completely remember what it is. As I’ve mentioned previously I am queer, that was a fun adventure (not). I had a tough time figuring that shit out and am still kinda doing that (which is okay) I’ve had a friend who threw religion at me and hated that I was gay, I’ve been called slurs, switched from gays to bi to pan to bi to lesbian to queer, its been a messy time. I’ve actually been embracing myself and expressing myself nowadays which is a great step. I never really came out as queer/gay but I think people can just tell or they just knew because it was never a secret I just never said “ I’m gay” Coming out as Non-binary on the other hand was stressful, I think the first 2 people I told were my one friend who came out as nonbinary first and who actually (follows?) me on here and our mutual friend. The first friend I mentioned was actually a big help and still is, and I told are mutual friend because I knew she was going to be supportive. I haven’t come out to my family, well not really, my sister knows I think. I honestly don’t think Ill ever come out to my family, my friends know and respect me and that’s all I really need. My circle is pretty good at the moment.

Now back to why I originally started writing this,I’ll save the details of my life story for my therapist. I haven’t written much because my mental health has been real shitty lately. It’s weird because its not in the way it usually is and that freaks me out,I think its because I’ve grown and learned from the times before. I genuinely refuse to be miserable like used to be, I want to be better and I think I can achieve that. I’ve been trying to heal from all the things I’ve gone through and its working but I just need a nice hard push to fully get there. I haven’t been the slightest motivated for anything and somehow I wrote this whole thing in one go on a random Thursday with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have midterms next week, I’m failing my classes, I’m exhausted 24/7, I feel as though I am dying and yet here I am. My heads weird like that for some reason, maybe I’m strong, or dumb, I don’t know one or the other.

So here’s some of my story, I can’t wait til I can tell the stories of others. And if you wanna hear more in-depth about my weird existence I have no issue sharing (my therapist doesn’t deserve all the tea to themselves) I’m pretty funny I like to think.

[rubiesintherough]

.

[ridiculousyoungicarus]

Is that ZANDER DRISKELL? Wow, they do look a lot like DOMINIC SHERWOOD. I hear HE is a NINETEEN year old FRESHMEN who are studying AEROSPACE ENGINEERING at Luxor University. Word is they are a REGULAR student. You should watch out because they can be CYNICAL and RESERVED, but on the bright side they can also be RESPONSIBLE and PERSISTENT. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself.

the basics //

Full Name: Alekzander “Zander” Kane Driskell

Preferred Name: Zander Driskell

Age: 19 (okay he’s only 18 til the 21st but I don’t want to edit this again in a couple weeks so if you’re reading this after his birthday - he’s 19. Before? Well, we all know how birthdays work). 

Birthday: March 21st

Zodiac: Aries

Gender & Pronouns: Man (He/His)

Sexuality: Bisexual

Occupation: Tutor

Relationship Status: Single

Place of Birth: Rochester, New York

Hometown: Saratoga Springs, New York

Country of Citizenship: United States

Languages Spoken: English (first), Spanish, and a teeny bit of French

deeper dive //

Hobbies and Talents:

○ Reading

○ Photography

○ Stargazing

○ Taking long rides on his motorcycle

○ Programming

○ Baseball

○ Robotics

○ Motorcycle Repair and Restoration

○ Playing with Legos

○ Judging the entirety of Luxor 24/7

Favorites:

○ Color:  Black (even though it’s the absence of all color. I’m totally not judging him, totally)

○ Food: Crab Cakes

○ Animal: Lemon Sharks

○ Drink: Coffee, he really loves his coffee

○ Flower: Anemone

○ Book: The Outsiders - S.E. Hinton

○ Holiday: New Years, he’s not a fan of drinking but he likes the hope of new beginnings and the resolutions

○ Movie: Blade Runner (which version? The world may never know)

○ Scent: That smell after a rainstorm

○ Place: In all honesty, he doesn't have a specific favorite, but he has a fondness for any place quiet where he can read in peace.

○ Quote:

“If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.” -Oprah Winfrey

Bêtes Noires:

○ Color: Lemon Yellow

○ Food: Tiramisu

○ Animal: Rats

○ Drink: Grape Soda

○ Flower: Lilacs

○ Book: Oliver Twist

○ Holiday: Valentine’s Day

○ Movie: The Wizard of Oz

○ Scent: Grapefruit and Vanilla Sugar candles

○ Place: Anyplace his parents are

health //  

Conditions:

         ○ occasional issues with his shoulder / arm (pain, getting stiff) following a surgery

        ○ undiagnosed mental health issues because he refuses to try therapy

Allergies: Pollen, penicillin

Sleeping Habits: What is sleep? Zander is an insomniac. It would probably be manageable with medication, but he refuses to to try. He gets a couple hours a night, but it’s not uncommon to get a response if you text him at 3 am either.

Exercise Habits: Zander works goes to the gym once or twice a week, but usually his exercise is really just running back and forth to class.

Addictions: Tobacco

Drug Use: He smokes cigarettes multiple times a day, and dependent on them to function.

Alcohol Use: Rarely, next to never.

personality //  

MBTI: INTJ

Enneagram: 5w6 (The Investigator with The Loyalist wing)

Alignment: True Neutral

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Percy Jackson Parent: Hecate

Pokémon Type: Fighting

Pokémon Subtype: Steel

Winx: Ice

appearance //  

Height:  5′11”

Tattoos: One, Two

Scars: One, Two

Piercings: None

Hair: Brown

Eyes: 1 pure blue, 1 blue and brown (sectoral heterochromia)

Fashion:

○ link to zander’s closet

life at luxor //  

Major:

○ Aerospace Engineering

Clubs and Activities:

○ Book Club (President)

○ Baseball Team (Pitcher)

○   National Honor Society

fun facts //  

�� Luxor Academy Alumni, he attended the high school from Freshmen year until graduation.

○ Zander really doesn’t trust easily, and he constantly is questioning people’s motives, he doesn’t think most people do things for him without wanting something in return.

○ That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about people however, he does feel empathy for others and it’s very possible for him to care about someone and not trust him. (Example: he can think of you as a friend but still be wary about your motives).

○ He doesn’t really like discussing his feelings, he expresses them; he feels them, but he doesn’t want to talk about them. He has to really trust you if he’s willing to actually tell you how he’s feeling when he’s upset/hurt instead of lashing out.

○ His sisters are very important to him, he’s in constant contact with Grace (just like Balo - is) and he tries to monitor Balo when he can, intervening in ways she won’t find out about if he feels like he needs to. His parents? Not so much. As for William? It’s complicated. (Family page here for more info on the Driskells)

○ He likes his motorcycle more than you, I’m sorry but it’s true.

○  Zander’s always willing to tutor if he knows a subject and you have a way of paying him. Something needs to pay for that motorcycle.

○ Extremely into space, he loves it even more than he loves his motorcycle and coffee. He’s always dreamed of creating spaceships and satellites, and his dream job is astronautical engineering (a subfield of aerospace, which he’s majoring in)

○ A few centimeters shorter than Balo much to his chagrin.

○ He may or may not get offended every time someone reminds him he’s not actually related to Lucy.

○ Loathes the word sorry even more than he wants to fight Jack.

○ Don’t ask Zander for his opinion unless you want it unfiltered. He will tell you to your face he hates everything about you if you give the platform to, and he doesn’t care if it’s offensive. Because as he sees it, you shouldn’t have asked a question you didn’t want the answer to.

○ The #1 LEGO stan at Luxor. Who needs therapy when you have plastic bricks?

○ I’m always willing to discuss my muses, so feel free to hit me up if you have any questions at any point.

a tl;dr history  //  

○ The Driskells come from an extremely abusive household. Their father is an alcoholic, and their mother tends to work the hours he’s home, leaving the children to fend for themselves. In turn, Zander resents both his parents

○ Zander has always felt like it was his job to take care of his younger sister, Balo, even since they were children. If she needed anything, if their father was going after her, etc etc, he was the one to step in to do what was best for her. This is a habit he still hasn’t broken.

○ This job became easier when their older brother, William, was adopted. Even if the boy was adopted to better appearances after Balo almost caused a social service investigation.

○ Zander is very antisocial and for his first year at Luxor, he mostly only talked to the baseball team and the book club. This eased slightly after Balo also came to Luxor, although he’s still not really one for socialization.

○ When he was home during summer break after his sophomore year, his father stabbed him. This caused some serious damage to his deltoid and the long head of his left bicep that needed surgical repair. After the surgery, however, he thankfully made a full recovery.

○ Zander has been at Luxor since he started high school, other than an occasional school break and having to go home during the summer of 2019.

○ I strongly recommend skimming Zander’s timeline page before interacting with him. These are just the bare minimum basics, and there're more things your muse may know on there.

wanted connections //  

○ Enemies, because Zander really needs more people who can’t stand his shit

○ People that Zander tutors

○ People from the baseball team or bookclub

○ People who hire Zander for his photography

○ Photography Friends

[lieutenantcupcake]

I never did my usual survey thing at the beginning of 2020 so I’ll never know how 2019 was. Whoops. I guess here’s the one for the last year, for posterity.

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? Earned a graduate degree. Experience a pandemic.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I have no idea. I don’t think I made any. This year I wanna be more creative, but only in ways that will make me happy.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Jonathan and his wife had a bb.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? lol

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? I’d like my confidence back. I don’t think I had realized that I’d gained some in my first two years of grad school until my new advisor kinda made me lose it all.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 131st. j/k Time wasn’t real so idk maybe Halloween when Sarah, Elizabeth, and I had a tea party in a historic cemetery and then watched RHPS on Sarah’s porch and ate Pho.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? MFA, I guess. Though it felt/feels fake because graduation and celebrations didn’t happen.

9. What was your biggest failure? Letting shit get to me. To be fair tho, not letting shit affect me probably would have been unhealthy. Basically my thesis was fucking depressing as shit and not fun and I’m really glad I got to wing the last few months of grad school because of the pandemic (but I’d would rather have had a completely shitty time the whole time without the pandemic).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A new computer.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent. Fuck landlords.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? When it looked like Bernie was going to do well in the primaries before the DNC fucked everything up for him. Again. Getting into a relationship?????

16. What song will always remind you of 2020? Idk probably something from Punisher.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter? Fatter?

18. Richer or poorer? Poorer

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Telling people to fuck off.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Overthinking

21. How will you be spending Christmas? I got to be at my parent’s house after quarantining for over two weeks, so that was nice.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? Too soon to say, but it’s something.

23.  What was your best costume of the year? Probably Nadja from What We Do in the Shadows. I also liked my mostly closet Harley Quinn costume.

24. What was your favorite TV program? DS9! I watched all of it over the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, and tried to watch all Star Trek, which was really fun.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Probably some politicians. I definitely dislike a lot of people I didn’t before.

26. What was the best book you read? I read like 2/3rds of one book this year lol.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I guess Phoebe Bridgers? Or was it discovering that I actually liked Taylor Swift with Folklore?

28. What did you want and get? A cute boy who likes me?

29. What did you want and not get? To actually see that cute boy irl. I guess technically we saw each other like Jan 2nd or 3rd last year, but that barely counts.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I really enjoyed Birds of Prey. I’m bad at watching movies on my own. Oh wait, I def saw Parasite last Feb, so I’m changing my answer to that.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 33. Heather, Kenny, and I had drinks and ordered appetizer combos from BDubs and Applebapple. For a quarantine birthday, it was pretty good.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having a global pandemic? The DNC not fucking Bernie? But besides that, my thesis not being a clusterfuck.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Goth athletic wear. Not enough tracksuits for health goth tho.

34. What kept you sane? Heather. Playing 430 hours of Destiny 2.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Went on another Hugh Dancy kick, but that’s about it.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I worked for the Bernie data entry team which was really fun and did some text banking too. After he suspended his campaign I kinda gave up on politics, but still went to every BLM protest/march in Athens.

37. Who did you miss? Literally everyone I know. Especially Bianca.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Didn’t do a lot of meeting people this year. I enjoyed the brief period of time before my internship shut down with my supervisor. I ran an errand with him at one point and his car started playing a podcast he was listening to previously and it was William and Alaska from Drag Race and I was like 👀

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I've been running around in circles Pretending to be myself Why would somebody do this on purpose When they could do something else? Drowning out the morning birds With the same three songs over and over I wish I wrote it, but I didn't so I learn the words Hum along 'til the feeling's gone forever

[grouchythefish]

The 2010s, year by year.

I was inspired by @puzzled-dragon on twitter but but would rather do this here. I did not realize this decade sucked so hard. I put this under a read more because it’s long and sad af. I did not INTENTIONALLY make this depressing but thinking to each year these ARE the things I think of first. There’s a happy ending though, I promise. If this is too long, just read the first and last year and you’ll probably get the picture. (tw: depression, self-harm, death, suicidal thoughts, car accidents, sexual assault):

2010: Went on my first plane ride to visit my brother in San Francisco! Went to my first show that summer (warped tour - Sum 41!), then My Chemical Romance in December. Started volunteering with the Teen Advisory Board at the library. This was the year I first started realizing I had some mental health issues. My grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away. I was dealing with depression and self harming and learned I have ADHD. Started questioning my sexuality.

2011: The year of the January mystery evacuation! My strongest memories of this year are the summer. went to Warped Tour again (Motion City Soundtrack and Paramore!), joined Tumblr in July. I took 2 months of summer school by choice that year during which I read the Handmaid’s Tale and had a bit of a feminist awakening. Gwen and I started our band and started doing shows together. Started questioning my gender.

2012: Started IDing as asexual. Got into urbex for a little while. Graduated high school. Went to Warped Tour for the last time. Saw Mindless Self Indulgence and had my first serious panic attack. Started a visual arts degree at York. Lived on campus and lost a lot of weight REAL fast and got VERY sick. Now that I was 18 and no longer living with my parents I finally started getting treatment for my ADHD. Realized I was agender.

2013: Started playing quidditch and getting involved with York’s Harry Potter club (Ministry of Magic) where I met @ominouspotato and @puzzled-dragon​. Realized I was bisexual. Got my first job (tim hortons) then my first apartment (A complete disaster) My depression and anxiety got real bad towards the end of this year. I did go to a lot of shows though. (Fall Out Boy and Motion City Soundtrack come to mind) Started listening to WTNV not knowing that this would absolutely be a gateway podcast for me. 

2014: Moved in with my aunt Bev (not really my aunt) in Scarborough for the first half of the year then my parents for the second half. Bought my first binder. Became a Ministry of Magic exec. Saw WTNV live. Met my (now) ex at a PATD show in Feb, we started dating in Nov. Took the via rail for the first time.  Was sexually assaulted on my first date (I have never told anyone this until right now). Rode the go train a lot. Started trying to change my major to Digital Media.

2015: Moved back in with my aunt Bev and lived there for the whole year. (At the time I hated it but in retrospect she was real cool about a lot of stuff) Saw Motion City Soundtrack for the third and final time :’(. This is the year @ghirahims-left-shoe​ and I met Frank Iero and Gerard Way (who said my drawing were awesome!!!!!) Moved into the Forest Hill apartment (a mistake). Realized university was going nowhere for me. Saw WTNV live again.

2016: Dropped out of York and started at Seneca for Interactive Media Design. My (now) ex moved in with me and my roommates and shit hit the fan which resulted in us packing up and moving back to my home town (Cue the worst 3 years of my life) Got my G2 and started driving regularly, got in my first car accident. I worked 6 different jobs this year. My tax return was hell. I started getting really into podcasts this year.

2017: Started off real fucking depressed over the US election and somehow ended up turning to mbmbam to cope (a mutual on tumblr suggested it and I wish I remembered who so I could thank them for changing my life). Commuted to Toronto 5 days a week this whole year. Got engaged. Bought my first car in August (a beige impala). Had my first car written off in November when someone rear ended me on the 400. Bought my red elantra that I still have now. Joined the MBMBAM Gaming Server when I was at a very low point that fall and it was a god send - met some really really good friends though this. Joined roller derby. First realized I was in an abusive relationship.

2018: Got in another car accident. Quit my job in Toronto because I couldn’t handle the commute anymore after getting in 2 accidents in the same winter. Traveled to Detroit to see mbmbam live. Went through a YMCA employment program, which is how I got the most soulless job ever - but it was a short commute, looked great on my resume, and paid okay so I sucked it up. My depression and anxiety got worse and worse and I kept ignoring it, kept thinking if I just acted like things were fine they eventually would be (fake it til you make it is bullshit btw). Tried to leave my fiance a handful of times but never could. Tried and failed many many times to pass the roller derby minimum skills test. Started isolating myself more and more from my irl friends. My laptop kicked the bucket in August and I couldn’t afford to replace it.

2019 (Jan-Aug): In March I both got my dream job and went on my first big trip (New Orleans to visit my brother)! Got my first tattoo in July. My depression didn’t go away, though. I quit roller derby. A few doctor’s visits and many different ADHD medication trials later I found myself at my lowest point. I wasn’t sleeping but I also struggled to get out of bed. I felt like work was the only thing I could do so it was all I did and my anxiety only fueled this further. I thought that there was no one in the world who cared about me. I saw myself as a problem to the people around me. Something that needed to be removed. I was researching what pills I could overdose on and how many it would take and I started making real plans to kill myself in September. 

Spoiler: I didn’t! 

2019 (Sept-Dec): I saw a new doctor, took a break from work, and started on anti-depressants for the first time ever. Everything changed. I traveled to Buffalo to meet friends from the mbmbam gaming server and had online friends come to Barrie to visit me. I reconnected with my university friends after 2 years of self-isolation and we see each other regularly now. I went on my first solo trip to visit Gwen in BC and we are starting a podcast together (!!!). I found out my friends are also doing podcasts! I started working on having a better relationship with my siblings (we’re not there yet but making progress). I started coming out to people irl as agender for the first time and requesting they use my chosen name and pronouns. I replaced my laptop and started making art again! I applied for a bunch of zines and got into one! I finally worked up the strength to break up with my fiance for real. Just in these last few months I’ve made more new friends and spent more time with them than in the last 3 years put together. (If you are one of those new friends, I’m sorry if I’m weird or awkward, or say too much or too little or just the wrong things, I got used to not having friends and genuinely don’t remember how to be around people. Please be patient with me, I’m trying to get better.)

2020: I just had the first new years eve in a decade where I felt I was ending the year better than I started it. Things aren’t perfect (I still need my ex to move out, I still live in a town that makes me depressed, I’m still not out to my family, I’m still looking for a therapist) but for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to the future.

[sincerely-us-imagines]

very long, very personal vent post under the cut

also potentially triggering. i’m not posting this really so people will read or respond to it i just needed to get all this out of my head and out somewhere else

so the last blog i had before this one i had from about 2015 to early 2017. i was in an extremely toxic “community” on here and had met several friends through it, two in particular that i became close with.

one of them, who we’ll just call J, was very sweet and we connected right away. i was instantly comfortable talking to her about even the most personal details. but she had a lot of very serious family issues and was very sick (physically and mentally) and would talk all the time about how much pain she was in and how any day how she could just die from it. it was awful. she was 17 and her organs were failing, she had some sort of muscle degeneration disease which made it very painful for her to move, and things with her ovaries were extremely messed up. she was my friend, but eventually i started dreading talking to her because she was always talking about how she could just drop dead any second, and that hurt to hear and it was also just so overwhelming to have that kind of thing on my mind all the time, on top of my own very fragile mental health at the time. i know that’s selfish thinking, and that it was much much worse for her, but i just couldn’t handle it. we started drifting apart a little bit.

the other, who we’ll call H was... kind of the same, in a way. i was also writing things for a different fandom back then and actually had a pretty successful blog (around 3,000 followers at the time i deleted). H loved my writing and began messaging me and of course i always appreciate when people have kind things to say about my work! so we began talking and she kind of? latched onto me?

there were numerous bad things she did throughout our “friendship”. she lied to me about her age (i was 17/18 at the time and she told me she was 17. i found out about two months into knowing her that she was actually only 14), she texted/skyped/snapchatted me 24/7 and would become extremely angry when i didn’t respond, she threatened to kill herself if i ever left her, she told me to break up with my boyfriend so i could spend more time talking to her, she would get mad at me when i fell asleep after staying up til 4 am on a school night to talk to her to make sure she didn’t hurt herself, she would pretty much bully me into writing very specific imagines/fics featuring her and if i told her i didn’t feel like writing or didn’t have the time she would threaten to hurt herself, saying my writing was the only thing that gave her comfort.

i got burnt out eventually i didn’t enjoy writing anymore because of her. i couldn’t post anything to any of my blogs because she would see that i was online and get mad at me for not talking to her. she found out my real name (i was going by a different name online back then, and was an entirely different person, really) through social media accounts and made a post @ me with it for everyone to see. when i told her to please take it down she got extremely angry with me.

she would also screenshot every single selfie i posted on snapchat and called me her wife (despite me saying it made me uncomfortable)? which wasn’t toxic or manipulative, just very very weird?

so anyway, i’m not a very social person to begin with. i have social anxiety and get worked up over simple interactions and often need time to “recharge” afterwards. but H was mean to me for this reason, insisting that it should be different for her. she was constantly hounding me and eventually pushed me to my breaking point. i tried to cut her out of my life slowly, try to drift apart naturally, but she wouldn’t have it. she would call me back to back to back until i picked up, or send me “suicide note” texts. i couldn’t take it anymore. so i blocked her phone number, snapchat, instagram, facebook, abandoned my skype account, and deleted my entire blog just to get away from her (which, in retrospect, was a good thing. the people i talked to and content i consumed was fucked up, and now that i’m in a better place mentally i can see just how dangerous it is).

she still updates her blog regularly (often times still talking shit about me a year and a half later) so i know she didn’t carry out her threats. but just today i checked J’s blog, just to see if it was still active since i do think about her and worry sometimes. she posts regularly and seems to be doing better than she was. being the selfish little shithead that i am, i checked the tag she used to have for me. there were a few things she’d rb’ed for me even after i deleted, and then several posts on how i treated her like she didn’t matter and how she was scared that i had done something to myself, but that she was better off without me.

the last part is true, don’t get me wrong. i wasn’t a reliable friend. i was under a lot of pressure and was having very serious and dangerous thoughts and i just couldn’t handle it anymore. she has every right to be mad at me and i know she’s better off without me, but part of me wants to message her and tell her how much i did care about her and that i do still think of her and hope she’s doing well, but i know that would just cause problems.

idk why i felt the need to type this out. ive been thinking about H a lot lately and how she made me afraid to become friends with anyone again. i’m scared to even have light hearted, friendly conversations on here because i don’t want to repeat what happened with her.

i guess i just needed to get this out of my head and somewhere else.

[snapshotadeline]

Adeline on Hiatus 2020

This is how Adeline spent 2020, copy and pasted directly from discord with Darcy’s player and not edited because fuck it I’m lazy.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

I think Adeline takes the time to work on personal projects, because it’s something she hasn’t had the time for and she misses it

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

She’s gonna be hanging out at Bold doing all her projects omg

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

a significant amount of time is probably spent in the blanket nest that is sure to become a semi-permanent fixture in Darcy’s office, yes

[1:46 PM]

the first couple weeks at least 4 people ask, on any given day, if Adeline would like a chair or something that isn’t the floor and 9 times out of 10 she answers that, that’s what Darcy’s lap is for

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

Omfg Darcy snorts

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

but I do think she limits that time to after therapy and on really bad days, because she doesn’t wanna be in the way and as much as she knows Darcy doesn’t mind working around her, she does know it’s not as conducive to work as they perhaps wish it was. And she honestly likes her blanket nest that she always makes sure to fold neatly and out of the way when she leaves (cos she starts just leaving them there to make it easier). She probably bakes more, tries new recipes, brings them in for Darcy’s employees. Makes them both dinner and brings it to the office when she knows Darcy is really caught up in work and probably won’t leave til late. And she has to explain to her therapist (who is high key worried about dependency issues) that she could work anywhere and she does work at the studio, but she enjoys the environment Bold offers and yes, that means being around her girlfriend, but she’d just as easily spend time in Darcy’s office WITHOUT Darcy there because, ultimately, she’s been working alone since she broke into the business, and while she has a handful of people who work at either studio, 90% of all work is done so separately, there’s rarely anyone there. But at Bold, if she gets particularly bored of working in Darcy’s office she can probably go find someone else willing to let her camp out in a corner. She probably does this at some point too, like finds herself in various offices and work spaces and people actually ask her opinion on like article layouts or some shit cos they realize that she might be able to help, probably cos she walks by someone who seems frustrated, back pedals and takes a look and just given an offhand suggestion to try this thing and it works. And like, she’s not even necessarily doing it on purpose but I think in a lot of ways, Bold thrives in a way it hasn’t before while Adeline is just hanging out.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

OMG, so when Darcy hires whoever, to replace Ben, they’re just like “who is the woman in the beanie?” cos confusion as to why she’s always around and dressed like that to a group of people and there are a handful of distinct answers:

Boss’ girlfriend

Adeline Finley-Jackson (some include the word Fucking between her first and last names apparently)

Don’t you know your photographers?

Office mom - this sparks an argument over whether or not she’s best labelled mom or aunt, they do ultimately agree on mom

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

I LOVE HELPFUL ADELINE OMG

[2:17 PM]

LMFAO OMG YES

[2:18 PM]

The replacement ofc doesn’t ask Darcy

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

I mean, to be fair, in a work environment asking coworkers before asking the boss is usually how one goes about gaining information. but it is possible the strange array of answers prompts them to be like “So… I’ve kinda gathered who she is, but why is she here?” Adeline, walking in to flop down into her nest “Cos I can be.”

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

This is very true

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Cos I think they try to crowdsource that answer to but no one has an actual answer and some people are just like “She’s been hanging around longer than I’ve been here.”

[2:25 PM]

The person just looking at Adeline, who is sat in her nest with a lollipop and her laptop, so confused and turning to Darcy like “Does she work here?”

“When I want to.”

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

LMAO

[2:29 PM]

Darcy is “Don’t worry about it.”

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

“You look like you could use a muffin. They’re in a box in the breakroom. Go. Get the muffin. Eat the muffin. Don’t stress.”

The person just kinda does what they’re told because a) muffins and b) it seems like the less confusing option

OMG some executive or something in the industry is on a visit and asks how Darcy got Adeline on her staff/ if it’s weird given they’re dating and Darcy is just like “She’s not my employee.”

“But we walked by that office, she was working.”

“She does that for fun. She wasn’t hired to do it, she wasn’t asked to do it, she just started doing it. And I’ve learned not to question what my girlfriend chooses to do in her spare time.”

[2:41 PM]

And it probably comes up as a concern with some people that maybe they’re taking advantage of it, when they ask Adeline’s help with stuff but what none of them pick up on, until she goes back to working, and is thus only in the office a couple days a week for more than like an hour, is that all they’re doing is learning from a resource that is freely offered to them.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Please imagine Adeline (after having the IT people make sure EVERY computer in the office is set to sleep when the power button is pressed) walking up on someone completely stressing themself out over a thing, hitting the power button and in response to the following freak out going “You need to stop. Five minutes. Take five minutes. Go for a walk, get a drink, eat a snack. Just sit here and do anything but that and then go back to it. You’ll thank me later.” And then not only does she ultimately train them to do it to each other, she trains them to do it to themselves. To take those 5 minutes when things just AREN’T working and step away and reset cos like 9 times out of 10 they figure out what the hell was wrong way faster than if they didn’t. And they even manage to apply it to non-computer related work.

Though I feel like the first time she does it to Darcy she sits in Darcy’s lap and physically forces her to give her attention for those 5 minutes.

[2:57 PM]

And cos the employees learn from Adeline they start to turn things in that need less revisions, which makes Darcy’s work a hell of a lot easier

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

THIS IS DELIGHTFUL

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

And like, her logic is simple: better a 5 minute break to reset than spending all this time doing nothing but frustrating yourself.

It’s something she taught herself with editing photos. If the thing doesn’t look right STOP LOOKING AT IT and try again later when everything has stopped blurring together. And all it takes is 5 minutes for that little reset.

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

She gets kisses and “thank you for looking after them”

Aka Adeline goes on hiatus and accidentally revolutionizes the way Bold works

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

“They just seemed so stressed.”

[3:23 PM]

But OMG they come back from Disney (in which Adeline was very serious about there being no business outside of absolute emergencies) and Darcy expects things to be a bit of a mess, cos that’s how it’s been other times, but it’s not, cos her little family has figured out how to get things done without constantly needing her approval on every little thing cos they’re actually confident in what they’ve come up with

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Which, of course, people take notice of because Bold was amazing before but now it’s even better and that’s HARD to do so there’s an interview with Darcy about it, and like you don’t give away your secrets so the answer is that Adeline made the entire office her personal project and the interviewer is just ??? Because what does that even mean? She’s a photographer. But like Darcy’s just like “You’d have to ask her.” Because let’s be real, even Darcy isn’t 100% sure what happened, she just knows Adeline did.

[3:33 PM]

“The best thing that ever happened to me, happened to Bold. Adeline.”

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

Omfg “She was the missing piece of the Bold puzzle.”

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Omg imagine Adeline forgetting Darcy had an interview and like realizes as she’s walking in, cos she hears her name and is just like, “Didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll come back.” And even the interviewer is like “Can you stay though?”

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

DARCY PATS HER LAP

I feel like, by next year when Adeline proposes people are almost more scared of Adeline than they are Darcy because in being with Darcy and working on her mental health, Adeline grows as a person. She gains stability and in that stability she gains confidence. Sure, she still rocks skinny jeans and a band tee with a beanie more times than she doesn’t, but she walks like the punk she is. Head held high, shoulders back, and smile soft. The first person to tell you off for being a dick but also the first person to react to a child crying. She finally finds the balance she’s been looking for since becoming a professional photographer. The balance between the person she is and the work she does.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Adeline just happily doing so, settling herself in Darcy’s lap like the fucking throne it is. And like, what was supposed to be an interview with Darcy turns into an interview with what is, essentially, the fashion industry’s power couple. And like Adeline is very open about what she did because yes, she holds a loyalty to Darcy and in turn to Bold, she’s the kind of person who wants to see the world thrive and if no one out there is pushing as hard as Bold is, then the industry stagnates. Nothing gets better. To be on top without challenge is to become complacent and prone to falling.

[darkmasterkattsvault-arc]

Sober Adeline on Hiatus 2020

this is just a bunch of info I sent to @clamoringvoices at the beginning of the year about how Adeline ultimately spent 2020. copy and pasted directly from discord and not edited because fuck it I’m lazy.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

I think Adeline takes the time to work on personal projects, because it's something she hasn't had the time for and she misses it

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

She’s gonna be hanging out at Bold doing all her projects omg

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

a significant amount of time is probably spent in the blanket nest that is sure to become a semi-permanent fixture in Darcy's office, yes

[1:46 PM]

the first couple weeks at least 4 people ask, on any given day, if Adeline would like a chair or something that isn't the floor and 9 times out of 10 she answers that, that's what Darcy's lap is for

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

Omfg Darcy snorts

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

but I do think she limits that time to after therapy and on really bad days, because she doesn't wanna be in the way and as much as she knows Darcy doesn't mind working around her, she does know it's not as conducive to work as they perhaps wish it was. And she honestly likes her blanket nest that she always makes sure to fold neatly and out of the way when she leaves (cos she starts just leaving them there to make it easier). She probably bakes more, tries new recipes, brings them in for Darcy's employees. Makes them both dinner and brings it to the office when she knows Darcy is really caught up in work and probably won't leave til late. And she has to explain to her therapist (who is high key worried about dependency issues) that she could work anywhere and she does work at the studio, but she enjoys the environment Bold offers and yes, that means being around her girlfriend, but she'd just as easily spend time in Darcy's office WITHOUT Darcy there because, ultimately, she's been working alone since she broke into the business, and while she has a handful of people who work at either studio, 90% of all work is done so separately, there's rarely anyone there. But at Bold, if she gets particularly bored of working in Darcy's office she can probably go find someone else willing to let her camp out in a corner. She probably does this at some point too, like finds herself in various offices and work spaces and people actually ask her opinion on like article layouts or some shit cos they realize that she might be able to help, probably cos she walks by someone who seems frustrated, back pedals and takes a look and just given an offhand suggestion to try this thing and it works. And like, she's not even necessarily doing it on purpose but I think in a lot of ways, Bold thrives in a way it hasn't before while Adeline is just hanging out.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

OMG, so when Darcy hires whoever, to replace Ben, they're just like "who is the woman in the beanie?" cos confusion as to why she's always around and dressed like that to a group of people and there are a handful of distinct answers:

Boss' girlfriend

Adeline Finley-Jackson (some include the word Fucking between her first and last names apparently)

Don't you know your photographers?

Office mom - this sparks an argument over whether or not she's best labelled mom or aunt, they do ultimately agree on mom

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

I LOVE HELPFUL ADELINE OMG

[2:17 PM]

LMFAO OMG YES

[2:18 PM]

The replacement ofc doesn't ask Darcy

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

I mean, to be fair, in a work environment asking coworkers before asking the boss is usually how one goes about gaining information. but it is possible the strange array of answers prompts them to be like "So... I've kinda gathered who she is, but why is she here?" Adeline, walking in to flop down into her nest "Cos I can be."

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

This is very true

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Cos I think they try to crowdsource that answer to but no one has an actual answer and some people are just like "She's been hanging around longer than I've been here."

[2:25 PM]

The person just looking at Adeline, who is sat in her nest with a lollipop and her laptop, so confused and turning to Darcy like "Does she work here?"

"When I want to."

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

LMAO

[2:29 PM]

Darcy is "Don't worry about it."

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

"You look like you could use a muffin. They're in a box in the breakroom. Go. Get the muffin. Eat the muffin. Don't stress."

The person just kinda does what they're told because a) muffins and b) it seems like the less confusing option

OMG some executive or something in the industry is on a visit and asks how Darcy got Adeline on her staff/ if it's weird given they're dating and Darcy is just like "She's not my employee."

"But we walked by that office, she was working."

"She does that for fun. She wasn't hired to do it, she wasn't asked to do it, she just started doing it. And I've learned not to question what my girlfriend chooses to do in her spare time."

[2:41 PM]

And it probably comes up as a concern with some people that maybe they're taking advantage of it, when they ask Adeline's help with stuff but what none of them pick up on, until she goes back to working, and is thus only in the office a couple days a week for more than like an hour, is that all they're doing is learning from a resource that is freely offered to them.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Please imagine Adeline (after having the IT people make sure EVERY computer in the office is set to sleep when the power button is pressed) walking up on someone completely stressing themself out over a thing, hitting the power button and in response to the following freak out going "You need to stop. Five minutes. Take five minutes. Go for a walk, get a drink, eat a snack. Just sit here and do anything but that and then go back to it. You'll thank me later." And then not only does she ultimately train them to do it to each other, she trains them to do it to themselves. To take those 5 minutes when things just AREN'T working and step away and reset cos like 9 times out of 10 they figure out what the hell was wrong way faster than if they didn't. And they even manage to apply it to non-computer related work.

Though I feel like the first time she does it to Darcy she sits in Darcy's lap and physically forces her to give her attention for those 5 minutes.

[2:57 PM]

And cos the employees learn from Adeline they start to turn things in that need less revisions, which makes Darcy's work a hell of a lot easier

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

THIS IS DELIGHTFUL

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

And like, her logic is simple: better a 5 minute break to reset than spending all this time doing nothing but frustrating yourself.

It's something she taught herself with editing photos. If the thing doesn't look right STOP LOOKING AT IT and try again later when everything has stopped blurring together. And all it takes is 5 minutes for that little reset.

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

She gets kisses and “thank you for looking after them”

Aka Adeline goes on hiatus and accidentally revolutionizes the way Bold works

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

"They just seemed so stressed."

[3:23 PM]

But OMG they come back from Disney (in which Adeline was very serious about there being no business outside of absolute emergencies) and Darcy expects things to be a bit of a mess, cos that's how it's been other times, but it's not, cos her little family has figured out how to get things done without constantly needing her approval on every little thing cos they're actually confident in what they've come up with

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Which, of course, people take notice of because Bold was amazing before but now it's even better and that's HARD to do so there's an interview with Darcy about it, and like you don't give away your secrets so the answer is that Adeline made the entire office her personal project and the interviewer is just ??? Because what does that even mean? She's a photographer. But like Darcy's just like "You'd have to ask her." Because let's be real, even Darcy isn't 100% sure what happened, she just knows Adeline did.

[3:33 PM]

"The best thing that ever happened to me, happened to Bold. Adeline."

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

Omfg “She was the missing piece of the Bold puzzle.”

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Omg imagine Adeline forgetting Darcy had an interview and like realizes as she's walking in, cos she hears her name and is just like, "Didn't mean to interrupt. I'll come back." And even the interviewer is like "Can you stay though?"

cassandra july’s abs02/27/2020

DARCY PATS HER LAP

I feel like, by next year when Adeline proposes people are almost more scared of Adeline than they are Darcy because in being with Darcy and working on her mental health, Adeline grows as a person. She gains stability and in that stability she gains confidence. Sure, she still rocks skinny jeans and a band tee with a beanie more times than she doesn't, but she walks like the punk she is. Head held high, shoulders back, and smile soft. The first person to tell you off for being a dick but also the first person to react to a child crying. She finally finds the balance she's been looking for since becoming a professional photographer. The balance between the person she is and the work she does.

darkmasterkatt02/27/2020

Adeline just happily doing so, settling herself in Darcy's lap like the fucking throne it is. And like, what was supposed to be an interview with Darcy turns into an interview with what is, essentially, the fashion industry's power couple. And like Adeline is very open about what she did because yes, she holds a loyalty to Darcy and in turn to Bold, she's the kind of person who wants to see the world thrive and if no one out there is pushing as hard as Bold is, then the industry stagnates. Nothing gets better. To be on top without challenge is to become complacent and prone to falling.

[determined-multimuse]

👨‍👩‍👧-Aaron you say

Ah, yes, her ex-mistake. Folding her arms across her torso, Kaya sharply exhales. 

“…so you wanna know about my ex, huh?” Like many of the things and people in here life… where to start is always the question. Frankly, she’d rather avoid talking about him every chance she gets. But the inbox has to be appeased, and it’s not like Frisk is around at the moment anyway…

Kaya huffs, her arms folding tighter as her glare grows sharper from the ugly, distasteful memories coming back to her again, as they always do.

“…Okay, sit down and shut up, it’s a long-ass story, and I’m only gonna tell it once.”

“It all started with a stupid teenager doing stupid teenage things because her parents were terrible at their jobs and knew nothing about having a disabled kid,” she starts with a slight sneer. 

“I came out of my mom’s snatch kicking and screaming, and stayed kicking and screaming for years. Then, around elementary school, they introduced ABA therapy. I was emotionally and mentally abused all through elementary and middle school, and became a terrified, depressed shell of a kid who would do, say, and repress anything I had to just to make my parents happy. So they wouldn’t yell at me or grab me or take away something vital to my mental health.”

“Then high school came around, I’d just hit puberty, and I decided I’d had enough to being bullied by my own parents, my teachers, and the other students, and I became an A-grade bitch to everyone. Just to try to give myself control and empowerment in my life, I went from one extreme to another. I was a dumb, emotionally repressed teenager who jumped back to being a rebel, so I did a lot of shitty things. I had anger issues, was violent, and hung out with a lot of bad kids. I didn’t bully anyone, really, but I got into a lot of fights and only barely avoided getting arrested from vandalism and underage drinking a lot. Smoke weed a lot too. I was a rotten kid, but… honestly, it felt better than letting people grab my hands, shake me, yell at me and push my around… I was 14 and stupid, sue me.”

“Yeah, I make it sound like Aaron was one of the bad ones, but he was actually one of the only decent kids in high school at the time. He came from a pretty well-off family and kinda took pity on me. He wasn’t scared of me like some of the other kids, but he didn’t really pick a fight with me either. He was a good kid at the time, or at least that was the impression I got as a dumb, naive fourteen-year-old. He was nice to me, gave me rides home when I felt scared to call my parents, hung out with me, got me out of weed, booze and crime, talked to me, listened… He was good to me. Not sure whether that was genuine and he turned into an asshole or if he was always an ass trying to get into my pants, but it doesn’t matter. He’s a dick now.”

“I fell hard for the guy, being the idiot teenager I was. I was convinced that he was an angel there to save me from my shit-hole situation. Needless to say, we… did the deed. A LOT, actually. And finally, of course, we conceived Frisk when I was 15, had them when I was 16. Of course my parents weren’t happy, but that worked out for me because I hated them at the time. Was under the mindset if they hated it, I was doing something right. But even my grandmother, who was the only other decent person in my life, was voicing concerns about how fast I was jumping into things. And… like a dumbass, I ignored her. I was…”

Her glare finally falters and her face falls. As dumb as she always remembers she was in hindsight, she could never deny that she really did love the guy back in the day. At the time, he’d saved her, as far as she was concerned…

“I was in love… I… really thought he was my soulmate. So… I moved in with him after Frisk was born, and at first, everything was just great. I just stayed home with Frisk while he went to work, and we got married a week after I turned 18. But… once we made it legal and I was actually tied to him, things… started changing.”

“He never wanted to actually take care of Frisk. They were like a cute commodity to him; he never wanted to feed them, change their diapers, put them down for their nap, or look after them after daycare, it was ALWAYS on ME. Which I mean, fine, I didn’t wanna work and was controlling and protective over Frisk. But he never picked up the slack at home, he just went out to work, went drinking with his work buddies, and came home with dinner eventually.”

“And it just… got worse. No matter how stressed or sick I was, he’d never pick up the slack. He just enjoyed the perks and fun parts of fatherhood without trying to put in any actual work. Which I always justified with him being the breadwinner and being tired all the time. But when we learned Frisk was autistic when they were three…”

“He completely. Fucking. Abandoned them. All of a fucking SUDDEN, he had zero patience for just about anything Frisk ever did. Completely ignored them, got impatient with them whenever they started stimming–which, you know, I got onto him about. We fought a lot, and Frisk would always start crying because he’d convinced them our marriage problems were THEIR fault! Because I wasn’t going to let him snap at Frisk over shit they couldn’t help as a fucking four year old!”

“He deteriorated over two years’ time since we found out Frisk was autistic; he did his best to be good to me despite his mental shit, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with Frisk. He was a pathetic shitstain of a human being. He started coming home late, getting drunk, we fought just about every goddamn day, and he kept getting onto Frisk, trying to make them be like me. ‘Your mom was like you and she learned how to be normal, why the fuck can’t you listen and learn to be normal–’ Like, asshole, do you even know me?! Since when have I ever been normal?! All that shit he sold me about accepting me as I was turned out to be bullshit.”

“I tried so hard to make it work, I tried to patch things up between me, Aaron and Frisk for years… I’d always been able to wrangle him in whenever he started yelling at Frisk, help them sort things out, and most of the time, he’d apologize… but the second he actually put his hands on them - grabbing their hands to make them stop stimming when they were crying, hard enough to bruise them, just after they turned five - I shut the whole thing down right then and there. I knew where this was gonna go and I wasn’t gonna see it through with Frisk. I wasn’t gonna let Frisk go through a worse version of what I went through.”

“In hindsight… I should have shut everything down when he started neglecting them. That’s just as much abuse as putting your hands on a kid is… but I was delusional. I was selfish… and wanted to make my relationship with the man he used to be work. But no matter how much I may have still loved him… I wasn’t gonna let him put his hands on my child a second time. Yeah, we fought physically and we damn near killed each other… pretty sure I scarred Frisk with that, but… ya know. I won, and now that prick knows better than to show his face around me or Frisk ever again.”

“There’s… a lot I should have done differently back then; a lot I should have done for Frisk’s sake. I know I wasn’t the best parent in the world for them at the time. I put my relationship before their wellbeing at the time, even if I didn’t realize it, and to be honest… I’ll be ashamed of myself for that ‘til the day I die. It shouldn’t have had to escalate to physical violence for me to wake the fuck up and get Frisk and me out of there, but it did…”

“So… it’s just me and Frisk now, and even though I had to step up and find work out of nowhere, start being the breadwinner AND the child rearer while still having shit support from my ‘told-you-so’ing family… we’re better off without that asshole in our lives. I know there are a lot of people who… might be better for Frisk, as a parent, but… I still wanna do the best I can for them and their future little sibling now that I know better.”

“And if that prick shows up again, this baby’s gonna have to deal for five seconds so I can suplex the dickweed. Not that he really would, he already only begrudgingly pays child support, but… ya know. Always good to be prepared. So yeah. I hate my ex’s fucking guts and I was an idiot for ever marrying him.”

“The end. Any questions?”

[vinayv224]

5 activists on how they’re carrying Rep. John Lewis’s legacy forward

5 activists on how they’re carrying Rep. John Lewis’s legacy forward

Rep. John Lewis amid supporters at the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama, in March 2020. | Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Lewis often encouraged other activists to make “good trouble” — these 5 reflect on continuing to do just that.

Rep. John Lewis, a Georgia congressman and icon of the civil rights movement, died Friday at the age of 80.

Throughout his decades-long career, Lewis was known for his activism — from his roots as a Freedom Rider and firebrand organizer of the March on Washington, to the many times he was arrested, some as a member of the US House of Representatives. In his time as a lawmaker, he became an advocate for LGBTQ rights, expanded freedoms for immigrants and refugees, and supported gun reform measures. He continued this work in his final weeks — just a month before he died of pancreatic cancer, he visited Washington, DC’s Black Lives Matter Plaza, one of many places reflecting the current wave of anti-racism protests sweeping the world.

He was known for encouraging people to become activists themselves, saying they should not hesitate to get in “good trouble.” And he inspired many to do just that.

Here, five activists reflect on what Lewis’s legacy meant to them, and how it may be carried forward. Their responses, edited for clarity and length, are below.

Tanya Washington, professor of law at Georgia State University and former director of the John Lewis Fellowship Program

At 21, he was one of the first Freedom Riders; at 23, he was the chairperson of SNCC, and helped organize the March on Washington, and at 25, he was at the Selma protests. I think it’s empowering for young people to recognize that their energy, their perspective is necessary. It’s young people who moved the needle in the civil rights movement. They were college students, high school students. Some were even younger than that — the kids who integrated schools after Brown v. Board were little school kids. I think younger activists will draw from his legacy a sense of power and responsibility: Their contribution can begin right now.

Everyone quotes him saying, “Get in good trouble.” I think what that really has meant to me is to not be afraid to make decisions that are unpopular. What other people might call trouble, through a historical lens will be called progress. It’s inspired me to take risks when I’m guided by my moral compass.

I definitely see [his influence] when I look at the Black Lives Matter movement, and I see the young people in the streets, risking their lives and their health to enforce democracy, to make sure that we have justice as part of our criminal legal system, and that we eradicate racism. I see the same spirit that motivated John Lewis as a young person to get involved. He decides while he’s in college to sign up to be a Freedom Rider, which is not going to end well, just in terms of the risk to life and limb that it entails. But it was something he was willing to die for. And I’m seeing that same commitment made by young people who have been protesting in opposition to the issues, racism, and xenophobia that are all too prevalent in society today. I see that same spirit of youth activism, and that dedication and commitment.

One of the things that I really loved about John Lewis is that he understood that equality is not divisible. He wasn’t just fighting for equality and just for Black people, but for everyone. Unless everyone can enjoy equality, equality doesn’t exist. … I hope we will continue to see people working across intersectionality. It’s not just Black people, it’s trans Black women, it’s poor Indigenous men, it’s people from the LGBTQ community. All across the spectrum, until all of us are treated equally, none of us are treated equally. When he talked about the “beloved community,” he meant everybody.

He lived a life that set the example for how human beings can have an impact. From very humble beginnings, he became an American hero. I am so honored and humbled to have had a chance to work with him and to be inspired by his legacy. And I’ll miss him.

Janai Nelson, associate director-counsel of the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund (LDF)

[Lewis] really underscored for me the power and the strength that it takes to do civil rights [work], and really crystallized the role of Black people in shaping this nation on an ongoing basis, and forcing this country to live up to its ideals and to deliver on its promises. It is truly by force that it happens — it’s by the force of will and stamina and strategy, on the part of people who have largely been nonviolent.

There’s a strength and power in that that is just immeasurable, and he embodied that completely. He was the epitome of that strength and power that could move mountains and destroy systems and force political hands, just through his tenacity and resolve and strategy. And brilliance — he was absolutely brilliant.

When I look at the faces of protesters on the street today, I see John Lewis. I see the Freedom Riders. … When I see young people going up against police, in military gear, who will wantonly attack them, even though they are only exercising their constitutional right of freedom of assembly and freedom of speech, I see the bravery of people like John Lewis all over again. He set an example of what it means to speak truth to power, to look evil in the face and not blink.

One [way to carry forward his legacy] is to continue the unfinished business of building this democracy by securing and protecting the right to vote on an equal basis for all people, and that requires the passage of the Voting Rights Advancement Act, which would restore the legislation that he put his life on the line for (the Voting Rights Act of 1965), and protect the right to vote during a period of history when it is under severe and pernicious attack.

And the other policy area is the protection of protesters: Ensuring that the methodology that he used to great success is one that continues to be among the tools and the arsenal of people who want transformative change. If we cannot protect protesters — if we allow law enforcement and white supremacists to attack and interfere with peaceful protest — then we haven’t learned anything from the history of people like John Lewis.

It’s just remarkable to me how loving and upbeat and kind he remained, even toward his worst enemies. … Every American owes a debt to John Lewis for his sacrifice and his lifetime of service. He never seemed embittered by the fact that, even at 80, he still had to struggle for the rights that he fought for 55 years ago. He didn’t throw up his hands. He just encouraged others to keep up the fight, and stood right there with them and helped to lead it.

To face those struggles, to still be so generous of spirit and optimistic, it’s remarkable, and it’s the true marker of a whole person, of someone who is so self-possessed and is too strong to have their character marred by the external frailties of this country.

Kamau Chege, manager of the Washington Census Alliance

In 2013, I graduated high school, and shortly afterward, [worked as] an affiliate leader [with] United We Dream. That summer was the big summer for pushing the comprehensive immigration reform bill. We did a whole bunch of actions, but near the fall, as we’re wanting to escalate, members of Congress were demonstrating outside the Capitol, and Rep. John Lewis was arrested.

A couple weeks before that, I had gone down to DC, and we were strategizing how people were going to push [for the bill]. I went to talk to the Congressional Black Caucus, and was able to catch Rep. Lewis as he was walking. He was a fast walker! He was running late to a vote. I was explaining the bill, and asked, “Can we count on you?” He said, “You can count on me,” and gave the thumbs up.

I was young in 2013 — I was 18 years old — and this was somebody who was in our history and AP Gov classes, with the PBS Eyes on the Prize series. This is how the younger millennials understood him.

It wasn’t ’til the action where he was arrested, and I was watching that ... from afar, [where I] got this sense of, ‘This is his life’s work, in some ways: getting arrested for racial justice.’ He’s been doing this since he was my age; he joined SNCC when he was young.

I'm not the first to make this observation, but it's remarkable that for decades we had a sitting member of congress from the civil rights movement who regularly encouraged the public to break laws for the cause of racial justice. 10 days ago today: https://t.co/C5yT9pdH9O RIP. https://t.co/nKCjq1kKhg

— ☂️Kamau (@Kamaumaumau) July 18, 2020

After news came down that he had passed, one of the things I was thinking about, and I’ve been thinking about the past few years — my family has been here for 20 years, and we’ve been undocumented for 17 — is what kind of country my parents thought they were immigrating to.

They were probably trying to come to a country where everyone was guaranteed a dignified life. Jobs and justice. That’s a country that John Lewis probably did not see when he was young ... but it’s one that he got to see the beginnings of by the time I met him, in 2013, in the House, pushing for and alongside the new currents of movements.

[In 2013,] we’d be training for civil disobedience. Part of that would include reading about SNCC, what did they do, what kind of actions did they use, how were they able to push things forward and build a movement that a lot of people could see themselves in.

You run into a lot of John Lewis’s work, and how he ran SNCC at the time, and that’s still common. There’s still people from SNCC that advise young organizers now. And that meant that we saw ourselves as not starting something new, but in a lineage and a tradition of young people in general, and young Black and brown organizers, protesting and pushing to make sure that we grow up in the kind of country that John Lewis, C.T. Vivian, and the rest were shaping.

LaTosha Brown, co-founder of Black Voters Matter Fund

He deeply believed in democracy. There were American founders who believed in creating this new nation, and they had some ideas, and explored a philosophy with democracy, but their actions show that they didn’t believe in the fullness of American democracy. They were the founders of the country, but not of democracy. They didn’t have the foresight to see John Lewis as a member of Congress, or to even see him as human enough to be able to vote.

John Lewis is one of the forefathers in this country of true democracy, who really internalized and believed in the expansion of the vote, not just for Black people but for all citizens. He believed in equality for all people. The forefathers didn’t believe that. He believed that.

I think he had an acute awareness of the work of young people, and of when young people are [being] marginalized in the movement. He provided a lot of grace and space for young people, which is why one of the last things he did was go out to [Washington, DC’s] Black Lives Matter Plaza. That was a message of, ‘I’m in solidarity with you.’ He was able to bridge this political world and this activist world, and understand the evolution of how movements take place.

The last time I saw him was this year in the Selma-Montgomery march [at the Edmund Pettus Bridge]. I didn’t think he was going to come this year, because of his cancer. … As we get to the top of the bridge, I’m standing there, the crowd stops. … He walks up to the crowd, like Moses parting the sea. I’m directly in front of him. I knew that was his last speech. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew.

“We were beaten, we were tear gassed. I thought I was going to die on this bridge. But somehow and someway, God Almighty helped me here.” This would be the last time John Lewis would visit the Edmund Pettus Bridge, 55 years after Bloody Sunday pic.twitter.com/BXqHyO0CQl

— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) July 18, 2020

As an activist, the weeks prior to that had been really tough. … I was really feeling overwhelmed. I’m looking at this man who is literally battling cancer, to actually have the courage, to actually get the strength, and you could tell he was weak. He speaks to us, and it was just what I needed to feel affirmed. Even in that moment, I knew that I couldn’t ever stop this work. There’s a song, “Sweet Honey in the Rock:” “We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes.”

Here’s this 80-year-old man who is in Congress, who could literally just go sit at home and do what he wants and just be loved. He knew the importance of that moment, but he also knew the importance of that work. I felt that I, along with millions of others, were knighted. I felt affirmed and knighted in that moment, that our work was necessary.

I think it is not good enough to go back to the place from which we came. We are in a relay. We’ve got to take it forward. There’s a fragility [to] American democracy. … When you ever have your citizens in a place where they can fully participate, fully engage, that’s where you build patriotism. You don’t build patriotism by forcing people to acknowledge a flag that has been a symbol of hatred and racism. You build patriotism by creating the space for American citizens to engage, to be affirmed, and demonstrate their God-given agency.

Raquel Willis, director of communications of Ms. Foundation for Women; founder of Black Trans Circles

I met the congressman in 2016. He met with a group of organizers in Atlanta who were part of the Black Lives Matter movement. It was a powerful experience. He talked about his experiences and really gave us encouragement around the activism and the organizing work that we were already doing.

His lifelong commitment to liberation work is inspiring, I think particularly at the beginning of his organizing career. It’s important to understand that, no matter what age you are, you can get into the fight, and this is really, like it was for him, a lifelong commitment. So, we can’t expect there to be quick, flash-in-the-pan fixes for these systems of oppression. We have to be invested in the future.

Congressman John Lewis will forever be an example of a lifelong commitment to liberation. I will never forget the time he took to share his insights and encouragement with Atlanta #BlackLivesMatter organizers in 2016. His contributions are simply innumerable. #RIP, Sir. pic.twitter.com/7R7mXSGgtb

— Raquel Willis (@RaquelWillis_) July 18, 2020

The movement that is happening now is just the continuation of Black liberation work that has happened for centuries. We like to have this idea that these movements are completely separate, but really, a lot of what has fueled [activists today] has come from the movements before. There’s a direct line to the civil rights movement from where we are now in the movement for Black lives.

Particularly in this election year, I think his work around strengthening folks’ access to electoral power is important, but I also think that sometimes what’s more important is the organizing that happens on the ground amongst the people, just getting people involved, beyond voting. There’s so many different ways that people can transform society, and I think we often only, or mostly, focus on electoral power.

When it comes to organizing, you can organize around so many different things, that what’s important is stretching the muscle. I think of organizing as a creative endeavor, so we have to be thinking about ways that we can expand access in whatever instances or spaces that we’re in.

I think it’s important when any figure dies that we hold the honor that we have for them, but that we hold the hard critiques that we may have about their decisions or some of their rhetoric while they were here. We do a disservice in trying to paint anyone as perfect. I think we can hold complicated feelings about figures without throwing out their legacy.

We should certainly be grateful for the strides that a figure like the congressman made, and we can also think about the ways that we can hold those critiques, honor those critiques and make a commitment to grow in our own work and be better figures for generations to come. I think a lot of what we can learn from any figure’s life is there’s so much more work to do, and there’s so many more ways to open doors for generations to come.

I hope that folks will continue to be invested in the organizers who are doing work on the ground today. We have a society that loves to look at our history of organizing with rose-colored glasses. Folks talk about the “civil rights movement” now, but at the time [those activists] were very maligned, and there wasn’t a genuine support for the work that they were doing, and that still continues today. I think we have to be reflective on the ways that we may critique current movements without really engaging with what they’re saying or what they’re fighting for.

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[spontaneoushiccups-blog]

Indulgent Divulgence?

*Language Warning*

This whole experience has been such an interesting human experiment. Aside from the obvious emotional roller coaster we have personally been through as a family- it’s been fascinating to watch other people react. This is the first, or I guess I should say the most, really serious life and death thing that has happened to me, to us. I have always been an extreme extrovert, shocking people with my language and opinions since basically I learned how to speak. As I have aged and the sometimes unobviously rigid parameters of propriety have burned me- I have learned when it’s better to just keep my mouth shut- though it often requires special occasion. (I’m certain some people who know me and read that have already balked. “When might that be?”) It took being 29 weeks pregnant to write my first blog post about what’s been happening, but I think a lot of that delay was the moving of the goal posts. It took a long time for us to really understand clearly what was happening. When it first became clear to us that something was really wrong and that we were looking at major health complications for the baby, my step-mom warned me that people would be weird. My twin half sisters were super preemies, so she had been through the NICU nightmare and saw firsthand how people twitched at the thought of a baby tangled up in tubes.

Babies are like these beacons of hope, these beautiful physical representations of the future, of promise, health, fertility, love, sex, procreation, LIFE. Anything else and it’s like a records being dragged backwards against the needle. It just seems unnatural. It ruins the music. And yet- anyone who has been down the road of miscarriage, infertility, poor prenatal diagnosis, and even regular old healthy pregnancy and childbirth and the debilitating fear that tends to go with it, knows that biology can be cruel, and she often is. It’s a darkness that once you’re privy to, you can’t unsee. I recently watched Boss Baby with my 4 year old and I thought of the cartoon mom, “that kid is 7 and they are just having their second? Ugh she probably had some kind of fertility issues. Poor thing.” Or now that I am the size of a large gestating mammalian creature, as I waddle unsubtly down the street, I notice sometimes women avert their gaze, cast their eyes downward like they don’t want to look directly at me and I think, “Oh no. I hope my giant belly isn’t bringing up awful feelings of some post traumatic pregnancy issue- maybe I should tell them it’s not perfect.” But I don’t.

I remember after going through a miscarriage last year being stunned at how painful it was compared to how painful I thought it would be (because every pregnant woman imagines in the long 12-14 weeks before you’re out of the “safe zone” what it might be like to lose the baby.) Based on movies and the general shushed untruth that tends to go hand in hand with all things intimately related to reproduction in general, I didn’t understand how primally shattering that would feel. Though maybe no one does until they do. Everyone would say “it’s just the loss of promise” but it was more than that. It was the first time my body, my inner voice, my sense of confidence in the nature of things- my BIOLOGY completely betrayed me. I remember someone said to me on the phone “this isn’t a tragedy.” I hung up on them. It took months for me to even think about getting pregnant again, and even then I had to plan it six months out to be sure I was ready. I made it a conscious, extroverted effort to not be ashamed of my pain or my experience. To talk as openly as I could about it, no matter how uncomfortable it seemed to make people feel. (You know, in relevant context- I didn’t exactly wear a “ask me about my miscarriage” t-shirt- but...it’s not TOTALLY out of the realm of possibility that I might. Also I live in Portland so.)

1 in 3 women will have a miscarriage. The more I talked about it- the more those stories floated to the surface, and every woman who told me theirs still had that saddness in their eyes, no matter how long it had been, or how far along they were. They call it “suffering a miscarriage” for a reason. In many ways I am grateful for having already learned, and not that long ago, that my sense of what nature should be could be wrong, that the floor can fall out. It's been helpful to know that before we started on this current path with Iris. Somehow, while all this has been obviously painful- it wasn’t as surprising.

Social Media is a funny thing for hyper-extroverts like myself because the self doubt and fear of scrutiny or thought of people I love being embarrassed on my behalf generally doesn’t sink in ‘til a few days after the post. Wait- I am brave for sharing? Does that imply that I am brave for telling people and putting it out there despite what everyone thinks? Oh god, what does everyone think? Oh no- am I exploiting this awful situation for the brief feel-good of a "like"? Or So-and-so didn’t “like” the post, or say anything to me about it. Are they ashamed of my post? Too intimate? Too far?

We had another echocardiogram last week and it was really the first time we got to leave that awful poorly-lit clinic not deflated, in tears. They told us her A/V Valves and Pulmonary arteries are looking strong and healthy, we got to see her sweet face up close, so clear now with her little turned up nose and plump lips, and weighing in at nearly 5lbs it’s looking like she should rival or beat her sisters 8+ lb birth weight. All. Excellent. Things. A huge part of this challenge has been this subconscious inability to picture the future. I think any pregnant woman feels that way to a certain extent, but with this I can barely think past March, much less to preschool, teendom, adulthood? The end of pregnancy is so physically challenging that I feel like the excitement of the promise of your baby that’s just-around-the-corner helps to cushion the blow of the wait and the discomfort. When you aren’t exactly thrilled about the scary impending chapter, you’re just left with sore hips, insomnia, and a baby sea otter lodging its skull into your pelvis at the same time it wiggles it’s little toes up underneath your ribs. The high of the positive doctors visit quickly gave way to it’s sharper edge. Now that it was so easy to picture our big fat beautiful baby, it was also easier to picture them taking her from me; prodding and poking her, opening her chest, sedating her, all of the violent details sinking in leaving me feeling gutted.

I am the head of marketing for Portland Gay Men’s Chorus and we are embarking on a huge year for the company. Beijing Queer Chorus is coming to Portland for their first public performance in the U.S. and PGMC is headed to China in September as the first LGBTQ Chorus to tour there, ever. It’s a big deal because China isn’t exactly up to speed on equal rights when it comes to the gay community, (many members of the BQC still perform wearing masks to protect their identities) and the parallels of where they are today, and where the U.S. was in its early years of the company in the 1980’s are glaring. We are making a video to highlight those parallels and the historic significance of this year for the chorus. So I woke up last Saturday morning and had to go into work downtown to meet with the filmmaker and do the first batch of interviews, despite feeling cloaked with sadness. I knew it would be good to take my mind off things and get out of the house.

Gary was the first up in the interview chair and immediately launched into the raw realities of what it was like to be a gay man in the 70’s and 80’s in America. The unflinching history of being threatened constantly with violence, taught by his mother to walk less gay, losing scores of friends-that-had-become-family to AIDS (in the midst of being blamed for the epidemic) and the constant fight against all odds, just to live authentically. Harvey Milk told them to come out- come out to everyone you know despite what consequences it may bare because to live authentically is the only way to be free. Then they shot and killed him. The founding members made the conscious decision to put “Gay” in the organization name, despite how uncomfortable it made so many feel, because that’s who they were, that was the message they were spreading, and it required that for them, in the name of authenticity, to be acknowledged for who and what they really were. After a lifetime, and generations of suffering from being locked in a closet- so many had to learn by society widdling them down- to just say fuck it, and be their true selves at whatever cost. Anything else is prison.

I am so lucky that I love my job. A huge part of that I think is that I so deeply appreciate an environment with little to no bullshit. I found myself watching Gary’s interview feeling relieved and affirmed. Doing something bigger than yourself is always important for perspective, but doing something in the name of authenticity is imperative to human growth. While I completely understand not everyone is as extroverted as I am, I am confident in the ways I have chosen to handle this. To not be scared to talk about it.To be upfront with my experience and my feelings, despite trepidation of what others might think. If only for the hope that someone else out there- living with their own raw and real life situations, feeling trapped in their own closets, wearing their own kinds of masks to shield themselves from what society might think or do, that they might take comfort in knowing they’re not alone, either.

5 weeks til she is born.

ps- I would be remiss not to link to this concert. I will be in UT in the hospital with Iris- but if you're in Portland you should really go. March 17 & 18, Kaul Auditorium at Reed College. https://www.pdxgmc.org/concerts-tickets/

[thegothicalice]

A rant

So this is a somewhat overdue rant about tattooing I’ve had in my head awhile and is a tad lengthy.

A disclaimer to start: I really do love tattooing. Overall, long haul, most of the time, whatever, it’s an awesome career and I’m super glad to be in it. However there are so many things that just, drive me up a fucking wall.

Reoccurring stupid shit that customers do does suck though. Such things include:

-Taking children to tattoo appointments (toddlers are the WORST because they absolutely cannot sit still and have to touch every fucking thing, plus it’s a fucking health code violation) when we have FOUR signs, two on the door and two in the lobby that say no kids, because of course their little pains-in-my-arse are the exception to the rule

-Complaining about price, which hey, like many things, tattoos are a “get what you pay for” kind of deal. Sure, your buddy can do it for $20 in his kitchen, and we’ll see you in a few months to get a coverup that was twice the price we quoted. Asking for discounts is also incredibly rude and seriously, you’d be pissed if someone asked the same of you (someone came in a few days ago and balked at my coworker’s decent price for a session, replying with a “is that the best you can do” without even seeing her work, and she’s more than worth every penny). You’re hiring an artist (or any other tradesperson, not just artists) for their expertise, aka allllll that training and knowledge behind them, as well as the time it takes to do the job.

-No call no shows to appointments. People often flake out on tattoos because to them, hey, it’s a luxury item and something more important came up and they forget artists are people too  so they chose to not show up, neglecting to understand or care that tattoo artists are 100% commission (no tattoo, no paycheck, it’s not a clock in clock out deal); so by leaving an artist hanging they’re out money, and often unable to fill that time so last minute. (people that demand deposits back are a different story and infuriating in a different way)

- Customers “talking shop” in a trying too hard, bullshit kind of way. Which is frequent, usually not a big deal, and means to impress. But calling machines “guns” sounds like scratcher talk, calling them “tats” is tacky and outdated, and trying too much to sound like they known everything is just kind of exhausting. Worse offenses include saying “it shouldn’t take you that long” because that’s just dicky (because oh yeah, you know how long it’ll take me to accomplish that? I’m not a human printer, you don’t pay me and art just instantly appears because art is work).

-Sometimes people just have a need for a “kitchen sink” tattoo; they only want the one, but they want everything in it including many elements that don’t work together (flowers and tribal and six names and a ledger’s full of dates and an anchor and a semi color and an infinity sign with birds...) and then want the whole thing to fit in a baseball-sized area. Which means a shitty tattoo that’s overdone anyway will be a shitty blob of a tattoo in a few years because skin moves over time and it all blurs together into a big mess. Trust the artist when they tell you no because 99% of the time we’re not being assholes, we’re trying to save you long term misery.

So that’s the “pet peeve” part of the industry, in general, which could run much longer than just what’s listed. But onto other bits of why the timing on this particular rant: I’ve had a few too many rough customers the last few weeks. On the one hand, I’ll gladly do silly trinket tattoos they found off Pintrest and deal with people in the same phony personable way that I did working retail, it really isn’t bad. But sometimes it’s just, well, worse than retail.

For example, back-to-back tattoos from a couple weeks back, two girls. One getting her second tattoo, the other getting her first, the designs are about the size of my hand on their calves which I personally find to be a “whatever” kind of spot to get tattooed on (I’ve tattooed my own calf a couple times, like seriously it’s one of the less painful spots). The first girl had been tattooed at my shop before, and had admittedly been talked about because of the fact that she cried, full blubbering, at a shoulder tattoo. She did better on the one I did but twitched like crazy, subtly trying to get me to hurry so she wouldn’t be late for work, which makes clean lines really not so easy. Her (I believe) stepsister was next, and nervous, and wanted the back of the calf. I told her it was more painful there and if she had pain tolerance issues maybe she should try the side? Nope. I barely started and she starts sobbing. For the first half of the tattoo. Now, the real trouble is less her crying; I think it’s kind of excessive to cry from physical pain past childhood, but her mother was the real trouble. Hand holders are often more of an issue than criers/twitchers/whiners, whatever, because they encourage bad behavior and make whatever is not good, worse. Her mother telling me how to do my job (she seriously said “you missed a spot” which was not something I have patience for when I know I’m not getting anything resembling a proper tip), doing a weird running narration to her 18-year-old like she’s a tattoo expert, and babying the whole crying thing is just, not what that messy day needed. Everyone in my shop breathed a sigh of relief when they left; people were lapsing in conversation to eavesdrop on the shit this lady was saying to me and the girl in my chair like it was a soap opera or something.

The other example was a week later. Saturdays are typically the busiest day of the week, but the day had been weirdly slow and most of my coworkers had left/were leaving by 5 pm (we have six artists including me, and we’re open til 8). Just before the shop owners leave, a guy comes swinging in, talking a mile a minute about tattoos he wants, ones he wants fixed, and covered up, and chatting like he knows us and being kind of a bossy prick. His eyes light on me and he nearly demands that I do the tattoos he wants, then and there, his son and daughter’s names in a “tribal” font with “your own twist on it” to put on either side of his ribs. I’ve hit the fuck it it’s money mentality and draw something up based on a font he chose, he pays a “down payment” (seriously dude?) and goes to get some food, be back soon. The whole time he’s waving his right arm around, or, the half that is left, since it’s amputated above the elbow area. He comes back about 45 minutes later, with some friends. By that point, only one of my coworkers stayed because he didn’t want to leave me in the shop by myself, especially not with this guy and with almost two hours til close. This guy is cracking jokes and being a general fucking pest, such as “do I look like I drove here? I don’t have a license, I brought my friends to vouch for me, you understand” and not doing paperwork before coughing up an ID because gee, it’s like professionalism matters. By that point, I’m definitely aware that he’s hitting on me. Bad. To the point that even I, thick as I am when it comes to the whole flirtation thing, am nearly struck dumb by the nerve of someone twice my age, redneck as hell and more annoying than a lapdog going full tilt hitting on me. My prerogative is to get him in and out of my chair quick as I can. The left side tattoo went ok (though I think tribal lettering just looks like shit because hey, it’s not 1995) and he just kept talking straight on through with my “mhms” interjected and bland comments occasionally offered. He went out for a smoke before the other side was going to be done, and my coworker was grimacing for me. Inappropriate comments were made by him though he was somewhat quieter when he asked that I wouldn’t accept anything from anybody and a cold “nope” was the reply. The other tattoo went worse, because he decided to make a phone call to his son, insisting on holding the phone up to my machine (dude, it’s not a fucking coil machine, it’s a rotary so it’s really quiet, you’re not going to hear shit on the phone) with his one hand and trying to maneuver the phone better with his hand and his other arm. So his half arm is swinging all over the place dicking around with his phone, when I’m tattooing his ribs like three inches below the arm pit. The image of one of the Jackass bits of the smily face tattoo on an ATV came to mind as my coworker watched the whole thing from the lobby with bewilderment. Both of us were beyond grateful when he left.

The whole incident was incredibly draining, because six years of previous customer service jobs drilled politeness into me and being polite is sometimes just so damn hard when people are jackasses. I don’t care that sometimes people are ignorant of some things in this industry, it’s mostly expected and not a big deal, but blatant stupidity and assholedom is just so exhausting. Artists are really people and our jobs are really hard and being rude just makes it harder.

End note- just please, be nice to tattoo artists (artists in general really). I love my job, wouldn’t trade it for the world, but sometimes shit just gets to me and needed a rant-out.

[howtoloseweightfastsafely]

Part 2 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Part II:

Moving on, I feel compelled to share this next short piece, because it concerns a topic that is near and dear to my heart: depression and low self-esteem.

This essay of sorts was actually written to a friend of a friend who has been struggling with his own depression, low confidence, and feeling "stuck" for lack of a better word.

Also, this man, Chris, is not exactly dealing with the best of circumstances.

He is a young, 18-year-old man just out of high school, coming from a single-family home in gang-heavy Camden, NJ (one of the deadliest and most under-served cities in the U.S.)

The good thing is he is on the right path and has entered college as of September 2013. And from what my friend tells me (she was his high school mentor), he is a very smart, kind, and caring young man.

Chris wrote my friend, Melissa, an email telling her how life has been very tough, he's sad all the time, has trouble finding true friends at school, and that he feels like he's stuck with "no way out".

My friend then asked for some guidance from me, as I've dealt with many of the same exact issues myself in the past.

Here's what I said, and here's what I think anyone can apply to their life, whether depressed, just feeling down, out of luck, or feeling "not good enough" or "not worthy" or "defeated" or who think it's "too hard", or whatever it is keeping them from their goals, desires, and dreams:

 "I know how you must feel, but it's not true that things won't get better. They always do. It just takes longer for some.

But that's never a reason to give up.

And I know it's hard to see now, but there's a good side to this, as there is with everything in life.

In this case, the good side is you're getting stronger every single day that you push through the struggles, hard feelings and negative thoughts.

You get so strong that by the time you overcome this (it always happens), you're a machine and nothing fazes you.

You will see amazing things come into your life and you will start doing amazing things.

And while everyone else is doubting themselves when the going gets tough...you'll laugh and get through difficulties like a walk in the park.

Because you've already done the hard work. You've seen the living hell on the bottom and you still fought it and made it out.

You've developed a massive level of inner strength and confidence, whether you realize it or not.

And when you bring this strength to anything in life, whether its writing music, starting a business, getting lean, or doing whatever you want in life...you'll see that it's much easier for you than anyone else.

You've already done the much harder work of battling depression, and you're winning. Keep this with you when your mind keeps filling with negativity and self-hatred. As real as it feels, every single second you fight it, you get better, smarter and stronger.

Here's a fun little exercise: think about anything and everything you want, no matter how insane it sounds. And write it down. If you want ten million dollars or a threesome with some gorgeous models or you want to buy your own island, or be famous, or have a 3 car garage with a Mercedes, Ferrari, and Aston Martin...or if all you want is to be happy every day, write it all down.

And understand that you can have it ALL. And you will.

When the time comes that you realize your true strength and potential, you'll see a miraculous transformation where you go after all your goals and desires...without letting anything stop you.

You'll rip shit up and destroy the competition, and you'll do it better and faster than anyone else.

So as bad as it looks now, just keep looking up. Keep on searching and striving for more.

A lot of people are stuck in depressive, hellish situations, and it definitely sucks, but there is ALWAYS a way out. Don't give up.

Also, there are little things you can do every day to start feeling better.

You see, every day is a chance to have an amazing life and do amazing things. Even more so, every day is a chance to help someone else or do a simple little thing to brighten someone's day.

The thing about life that most people don't tell you is...to build self-esteem and to feel better, you have to:

1) Do esteem-able things

2) "Fake it til you make it"

Remember that you're the shit and you have an amazing personality. You have so much to give to others.

So much so that it'll make them smile and laugh and love their life...and after you do this, you'll see the rewards and happiness come back to you tenfold.

To be clear, you don't have to anything above and beyond to reap the benefits.

A simple smile or hello or just holding open the door could mean the world to someone.

While you're in your own dark spot, someone else could be in the same spot too. And you never know if you saying "hi" or smiling to them was the 1st nice thing someone said to them all week.

That simple little gesture could make someone's day, week or month. You just never know. So give a little bit back whenever you can. And when you see the joy it brings them, you'll slowly but surely feel better too."

Moral of the story: NEVER give up. Keep pushing, keep working, and keeping reaching to be the best you can be. And one day you'll get it. And then you'll move on to even bigger and better things. Most importantly, keep helping others. Give all that you can through love and kindness, and you will reap the rewards tenfold. Challenge yourself and greatness will come. It isn't always easy, that's for sure, but it is definitely worth it.

 Interested in losing weight? Then click below to see the exact steps I took to lose weight and keep it off for good...

Read the previous article about "Part 1 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality"

Read the next article about "Part 3 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality"

Moving forward, there are several other articles/topics I'll share so you can lose weight even faster, and feel great doing it.

Below is a list of these topics and you can use this Table of Contents to jump to the part that interests you the most.

Topic 1: How I Lost 30 Pounds In 90 Days - And How You Can Too

Topic 2: How I Lost Weight By Not Following The Mainstream Media And Health Guru's Advice - Why The Health Industry Is Broken And How We Can Fix It

Topic 3: The #1 Ridiculous Diet Myth Pushed By 95% Of Doctors And "experts" That Is Keeping You From The Body Of Your Dreams

Topic 4: The Dangers of Low-Carb and Other "No Calorie Counting" Diets

Topic 5: Why Red Meat May Be Good For You And Eggs Won't Kill You

Topic 6: Two Critical Hormones That Are Quietly Making Americans Sicker and Heavier Than Ever Before

Topic 7: Everything Popular Is Wrong: The Real Key To Long-Term Weight Loss

Topic 8: Why That New Miracle Diet Isn't So Much of a Miracle After All (And Why You're Guaranteed To Hate Yourself On It Sooner or Later)

Topic 9: A Nutrition Crash Course To Build A Healthy Body and Happy Mind

Topic 10: How Much You Really Need To Eat For Steady Fat Loss (The Truth About Calories and Macronutrients)

Topic 11: The Easy Way To Determining Your Calorie Intake

Topic 12: Calculating A Weight Loss Deficit

Topic 13: How To Determine Your Optimal "Macros" (And How The Skinny On The 3-Phase Extreme Fat Loss Formula)

Topic 14: Two Dangerous "Invisible Thorn" Foods Masquerading as "Heart Healthy Super Nutrients"

Topic 15: The Truth About Whole Grains And Beans: What Traditional Cultures Know About These So-called "Healthy Foods" That Most Americans Don't

Topic 16: The Inflammation-Reducing, Immune-Fortifying Secret of All Long-Living Cultures (This 3-Step Process Can Reduce Chronic Pain and Heal Your Gut in Less Than 24 Hours)

Topic 17: The Foolproof Immune-enhancing Plan That Cleanses And Purifies Your Body, While "patching Up" Holes, Gaps, And Inefficiencies In Your Digestive System (And How To Do It Without Wasting $10+ Per "meal" On Ridiculous Juice Cleanses)

Topic 18: The Great Soy Myth (and The Truth About Soy in Eastern Asia)

Topic 19: How Chemicals In Food Make Us Fat (Plus 10 Banned Chemicals Still in the U.S. Food Supply)

Topic 20: 10 Banned Chemicals Still in the U.S. Food Supply

Topic 21: How To Protect Yourself Against Chronic Inflammation (What Time Magazine Calls A "Secret Killer")

Topic 22: The Truth About Buying Organic: Secrets The Health Food Industry Doesn't Want You To Know

Topic 23: Choosing High Quality Foods

Topic 24: A Recipe For Rapid Aging: The "Hidden" Compounds Stealing Your Youth, Minute by Minute

Topic 25: 7 Steps To Reduce AGEs and Slow Aging

Topic 26: The 10-second Trick That Can Slash Your Risk Of Cardiovascular Mortality By 37% (Most Traditional Cultures Have Done This For Centuries, But The Pharmaceutical Industry Would Be Up In Arms If More Modern-day Americans Knew About It)

Topic 27: How To Clean Up Your Liver and Vital Organs

Topic 28: The Simple Detox 'Cheat Sheet': How To Easily and Properly Cleanse, Nourish, and Rid Your Body of Dangerous Toxins (and Build a Lean Well-Oiled "Machine" in the Process)

Topic 29: How To Deal With the "Stress Hormone" Before It Deals With You

Topic 30: 7 Common Sense Ways to Have Uncommon Peace of Mind (or How To Stop Your "Stress Hormone" In Its Tracks)

Topic 31: How To Sleep Like A Baby (And Wake Up Feeling Like A Boss)

Topic 32: The 8-step Formula That Finally "fixes" Years Of Poor Sleep, Including Trouble Falling Asleep, Staying Asleep, And Waking Up Rested (If You Ever Find Yourself Hitting The Snooze Every Morning Or Dozing Off At Work, These Steps Will Change Your Life Forever)

Topic 33: For Even Better Leg Up And/or See Faster Results In Fixing Years Of Poor Sleep, Including Trouble Falling Asleep, Staying Asleep, And Waking Up Rested, Do The Following:

Topic 34: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 35: Part 1 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 36: Part 2 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 37: Part 3 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 38: Part 4 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 39: How To Beat Your Mental Roadblocks And Why It Can Be The Difference Between A Happy, Satisfying Life And A Sad, Fearful Existence (These Strategies Will Reduce Stress, Increase Productivity And Show You How To Fulfill All Your Dreams)

Topic 40: Maximum Fat Loss in Minimum Time: The Body Type Solution To Quick, Lasting Results

Topic 41: If You Want Maximum Results In Minimum Time You're Going To Have To Work Out (And Workout Hard, At That)

Topic 42: Food Planning For Maximum Fat Loss In Minimum Time

Topic 43: How To Lose Weight Fast If You're in Chronic Pain

Topic 44: Nutrition Basics for Fast Pain Relief (and Weight Loss)

Topic 45: How To Track Results (And Not Fall Into the Trap That Ruins 95% of Well-Thought Out Diets)

Topic 46: Advanced Fat Loss - Calorie Cycling, Carb Cycling and Intermittent Fasting

Topic 47: Advanced Fat Loss - Part I: Calorie Cycling

Topic 48: Advanced Fat Loss - Part II: Carb Cycling

Topic 49: Advanced Fat Loss - Part III: Intermittent Fasting

Topic 50: Putting It All Together

Learn more by visiting our website here: invigoratenow.com

[cantfakethecake]

Ask meme!

I was tagged by @klickitats to do this...probably about a week ago? Oops. Really though, thank you so much for the tag!

The usual rules: Answer the questions and tag nine people to do the same. 

How old are you?

25

Current job?

Full-time student, for the time being. I had to quit my job at the library a few months back because it clashed with my field work schedule. Said fieldwork fell through thanks to a few kind-of-shady things I won’t get into here, so I’m stuck in get-a-job limbo until I’m assigned a new placement.

What are you talented at?

It’s silly, but I’m great at alphabetizing things? Give me any word, and I can alphabetize the letters in it on the spot. I also have a great memory for tiny personal details - which is great, until I come off as creepy for remembering something someone told me offhandedly two years ago. I can bake like a champ as long as I have a recipe handy. I also tested with a 143 verbal IQ while going through an ADHD evaluation? It hasn’t been useful for much beyond bullshitting papers at light speed, but I’ll include it as long as I’m feeling a little braggy!

What is a big goal you are working towards?

Beyond graduation and a vague “being able to financially support myself”? No idea. I switched my focus/major from “mental health and addiction” to “community/social justice” just a few weeks ago, and this early on? Most of my hopes for future jobs are less “goals” and more “prayers.” If it’s even a little bit less miserably boring than the jobs I’ve had in the past, I’ll take it!

What’s your aesthetic?

Jeans and plaid (usually with Toms), dogs, fresh-baked bread, comic books, coffee mixed with hot chocolate, half-finished coloring book pages, fidget toys.

Do you collect anything?

Not really? Moving from a decent-sized apartment back to my tiny childhood bedroom has made me pretty strict about getting rid of things I don’t absolutely love. I’d rather have a lot of small, unrelated things than one massive collection that takes up my limited space!

(I do have way, way too many books and coffee mugs, but that’s less about collecting and more about Half Price Books being where impulse control goes to die.)

A topic you always talk about?

I mean, right now I get to be a pretentious grad student and get philosophical about social justice issues every day. Other than that, though? Crown me Shit Queen of Garbage Town, but I’m the biggest fucking gossip. I’m always, always here to listen to people rant. I don’t care who we’re talking about. A shared coworker? Your second cousin who I’ll never meet in my lifetime? Don’t care. Just hook up that social IV and start pumping in some Grade-A Salt. (That’s the worst sentence I’ve ever written, and I’m almost sorry.)

Pet peeves?

That thing where you drop a credit card on a smooth surface and you can’t quite get your fingers under it to pick it back up again. I may have been frustrated by this nearly to the point of tears a week or two ago.

Good advice?

Following the lead of everyone else I’ve seen answering this, and directing this at younger-Betsy:

You are not broken. You have a super-fun combo of ADHD and severe anxiety. Prozac is your friend. Talk to someone - maybe sometime before you’re nearly 18? The view from 25 is great, but I’d love to not still be learning some of the social stuff most people figured out in high school.

Your preferences are not shortcomings. Not going to school dances is a valid choice, and you’re not missing out on some universal milestone by staying home. You’re missing a night where you leave homecoming after one hour, because the blaring music and mass of dancing people put you into sensory overload and you started crying in the bathroom. Branching out is good - but in order for it to go well, you need to respect your own likes and limitations. Don’t let people shame you into doing something that hurts.

Don’t stick that packing peanut up your nose. Really, don’t. It’s going to get stuck, and you’re going to hear about it at every holiday dinner for the rest of your life.

On a similar note: You’re three years old, and you’re at a birthday party. You want a piece of cake. I get it. But you also just watched a neighbor kid shove a bunch of those metallic confetti stars into the cake. Don’t eat it. I know - a bunch of kids are already eating, and they’re doing just fine. This is your first chance to learn that the odds are never, ever in your favor. You’re going to swallow a confetti star and choke on it. I promise. Don’t do it. You don’t even like cake.

You do not want a baby. I repeat: YOU DO NOT WANT A BABY. You like the idea of shopping for tiny outfits and picking out names and those half-asleep cuddles you get to enjoy when you’re babysitting. You’re sixteen. You don’t want to commit yourself to years of giving one human being your complete and undivided attention without a break. You don’t even like playing with your DOG for more than 20 minutes at a time. Like, thankfully you’re Ohio’s Least Datable Teen, because holy shit. 25 year old Betsy really likes not being a parent.

“Hi. Do you like Sonic Adventure 2 Battle?” is not an acceptable conversation starter. That is not how you make friends in a middle school class full of strangers. Alternatives include: Anything else. Literally anything else.

You are not set in stone. The world’s perception of you is one of the most malleable things you’ll ever handle. Fake it ‘til you make it, and keep trying when you fuck up - because you’re the only one who’s going to remember that one time you said something colossally stupid. (I mean, you’re going to remember it forever and ever and ever, and still physically cringe when you remember it out of the blue ten years later - but no one else gives a shit! Really! It’s only half bad, and the payoff is so worth it.)

Recommend three songs?

Oh god, I’m awful about getting into new songs. I tend to find a new artist once or twice a year, and listen to them on repeat for a few months. I was getting a bit better about listening to new things on my drive to school - aaand then my car’s stereo died. Nice. My picks are old, and I think I’ve probably recommended them at least five times each by now, but I’ll go with...

Tomorrow is Mine, from Bayonetta 2. My problematic favorite game series forever and always - but god, the music’s catchy.

Tomorrow is a Latter Day, from The Book of Mormon. 

...I’m struggling to come up with a 3rd, so I’m going to fall to the embarrassing garbage that’s actually been stuck in my head for days now. Enjoy.

Tagging: @alistairswaifu, @blondepomeranian, @bronwinning, @dragginage, @theherocomplex, @truck-shepard, and anyone else who wants to do this! I know everyone says that, but I really do mean it. I’m nosy as shit. I’d genuinely love to see it!

[yearwithoutbeer-blog1]

Mechanisms

Two hours.

That’s how long it took me to fall asleep last night: two hours.

It’s my fault, really, in that I took a two-hour nap when I got home from work. The day wasn’t long or rough, stressful or even tiring; it was just another day at work. No, the reason I took such a long nap — when I’m trying to swear off post-work naps — is because of breakfast.

But first, a backstory.

Some time in early 2015 — around this time, as a matter of fact — I became depressed. Not sad. Not mopey. Not blah. Depressed. The idea of getting up to prove myself a productive human being on a daily basis held zero appeal. Strike that. It’s not that it held “zero appeal,” it’s that I saw no point. This, despite the fact that I had begun a new full-time career with upward trajectory after spending 16 years in a part-time job with zero possibility for growth or an open track to full-time status. This, despite the fact that I was now earning an annual salary that was double what I made before, with paid holidays, vacation, and sick time. This, despite the fact that I loved the new position and my employers appreciated me. Things were going exceptionally well for me, life wise. But — a month before my 37th birthday — I realized 40 was around the corner; I realized I was no longer in my carefree early 20s; I realized I had real responsibilities, adult responsibilities, like paying insurance premiums and fighting through the red tape that is health care. And the thought smothered me with a long, impossibly dark shadow. The only oases were My Wife, The Cats, staying home, and beer. Even podcasting — which has always been able to pull me out of my own head — held little appeal. In fact, if you look at the Edge of Forever back catalog, you’ll see a clear sign of this; at the start of 2015, we went from releasing episodes every fortnight to whenever-I-felt-like-it. There were months-long gaps between episodes, because I could not raise the energy or will to record regularly.

All of this lasted until roughly June 2016. During that time is when my drinking increased, and I began to put weight back on — neither of which helped the depression. As I waded through the mental muck, I began to pay attention to my body. Specifically, the signs of when things were going to get worse — mentally. This way, when I came through the other side, I’d know when I was about to fall into another hole.

This leads me back around to Monday morning.

As I made my morning coffee, along with a few eggs, the feeling hit me by surprise. It felt like a punch to the gut, then a blow to the head; everything inside me dropped then was coated in a foggy haze. For a moment I stood there, confused, not sure what the hell had just happened. But then came the familiar, unwanted abyss looming just overhead, on both sides, behind me, a few inches in front of my face, and underneath my feet. Almost at the same time, all of my energy for the day washed away. Mind you, this was not even an hour after waking up.

At that moment, if I could have crawled back into bed for the day, I would have. Covers pulled up over my head; the right side of my face sinking into a warm, soft pillow; closing my eyes, allowing the street noises of Chicago to lullaby me back to sleep all sounded like the best plan ever. But, one must adult, so I went about the day as planned.

Then I crashed for two blissful hours after work.

It was one of those naps where it could have easily — so very easily — turned into an all-nighter. Not specifically due to the sudden rush of depression from the morning, but more from the energy required to remain an upright, productive adult between 9:00a and 5:00p while the sinking feeling builds a nest in your soul. With anxiety, it’s draining enough to be on all the time at work. Add in the energy-suck that is on-coming depression, and you wind up with so little energy it’s almost laughable.

So I slept and slept and slept, knowing full well it would present an issue later that night. In the moment, though, I did not care; bed was all I wanted, and bed is what I had.

When it came time to turn in for the night, try as I might, sleep did not come ‘til after 2:20a. Though there was a hint of it shortly beforehand. At one point, My Wife got up to use the bathroom. As she crawled back into bed, pulling the covers up over her ears, there was a sudden double flash of lightning just outside the window, followed by thunder so tremendously loud The Cats jolted at the foot of the bed. My heart THUMP-THUMPed with excitement — I do ever so love storms — and My Wife squeaked in mild fright. Though the blast of light and window-shaking boom raised my adrenaline — keeping me up an additional 20 minutes — it was worth it to feel The Kitties snuggling back in for warmth and safety, for My Wife doing the same as she gripped my hand and pulled it toward her, for the knowledge there was an oncoming storm that would wash away all of the gunk and grime from the day.

This morning, tired though I surely was, I found I was better equipped to deal with the returning dread of aging. As I look ahead and see 40 is now a little over a year away, as more adult responsibilities find their way onto my To-Do list — including taking responsibility for my beer consumption �� as the realization that I am, truly, not anywhere near my early 20s sinks in, I find I’m okay with it. Or, at least, dealing with it thanks to the mechanisms I’ve put in place throughout the years dealing with anxiety and the 18 months of depression I suffered throughout 2015 and 2016. It makes not drinking harder, especially since beer was one of those coping mechanisms, but pulling through it is something I can do. And doing so beer-free is something I need to do.