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#it was absolutely the dumpster fire i wanted it to be and i had a lovely time
fictionadventurer · 1 year
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The more I learn about Civil War politics, the more I'm convinced that Lincoln's most impressive and useful leadership trait was that he never let his pride get in the way of doing his job.
Other people in Lincoln's position would have come to Washington with something to prove. They'd have resented the insults and tried to disprove them. They'd have tried to seize power and credit, rejected help, spent a lot of time trying to reach a certain level of respect.
Lincoln's response to, "You're just a backwoods lawyer with no executive experience who makes too many dumb jokes," was pretty much always, "Yeah. And?" He had no interest in petty personal power plays. He had a country to run. There was a war on. It didn't matter what people thought of him so long as the job got done.
He was aware of his personal shortcomings and was always willing to accept advice and help from people who had more knowledge and experience in certain areas. He presided over a chaotic Cabinet full of abrasive personalities who thought they were better and smarter than him, but he kept working with them because they could get the job done. For example: Stanton was absolutely horrible to him when they were both working as lawyers. Just incredibly mean on a personal level. But when Lincoln needed someone to replace Cameron, he swallowed his pride and appointed Stanton as Secretary of War, where Stanton proceeded to be mean to everyone in the world, but he whipped that department into shape and kept it running efficiently through a very chaotic war. Pretty much no one except Lincoln would have been able to put up with that. He could put up with people who were personally difficult if they could do the job he needed them to do--which he was only able to do because his own ego didn't get in the way.
Lincoln's example is a prime demonstration of how humility isn't underrating yourself--it's being so secure in your own abilities and identity that you don't need to attack anyone or defend yourself to prove your worth. He knew his shortcomings, but he also knew his strengths. He was willing to give other people credit for successes and take blame upon himself for failures if it kept things running smoothly. He was secure enough in his own power that he could deal generously--but firmly--with people who tried to undermine him. In a city full of huge egos, in a profession that rewards puffed-up pride, that levelheaded humility is an extremely rare trait--which is what made it so impressive and effective.
#history is awesome#presidential talk#so i went to a teeny backwater thrift store today#their tiny history book section just happened to have an old lincoln biography#i opened to the page about the cabinet#which describes the situation like 'seward was calling himself premier and lording it over everyone'#'blair was causing problems everywhere'#'welles was insulting everyone in his diary and especially hated stanton grant and seward'#'and stanton hated absolutely everyone in the whole wide world'#and as i was reading this i was internally kicking my legs with excitement and cackling with glee because this is the good stuff#i don't know why but i love these horrible petty men#they're like a bunch of raccoons fighting over territory in a dumpster fire it's so great#i read the whole chapter right there in the store#and it impressed upon me yet again how impressive lincoln was to put up with all these guys#(the writer was a bit simplistic and made a lot of these guys come off as worse than they were)#(like he made seward sound like a complete incompetent when he was a pretty good secretary of state)#(he had some grandiose ideas but the man deserves a lot of credit for keeping england out of the war)#(but for a one-chapter summary of these guys it wasn't exactly wrong and it was a ton of fun)#i very much did not want another book especially another american history book#but it was only fifty cents and i have a pouch full of spare change#and the writer's style was so much fun that i decided to take the book with me#i don't plan to read the whole thing (i'm sick of lincoln bios) but it's fun to dip into for things like this#and i had to talk to you about it
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"I know what it's like to watch your home planet die, for I come from Planet Altea, a planet that has long been destroyed by the Galra. But I refuse to give up. And, now you all have the same choice. You can decide, now, to devote your lives to making sure this never happens to another planet. "I am eternally sorry for what has happened to the Balmera, but I beg you-- do not let its dying be in vain. Honor the Balmera's death by refusing to give up. Join me in my fight against the Galra."
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bifairywife · 2 years
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guess who dipped back real quick in lore olympus:
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meowmeowmessi · 1 year
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chelsea fans moving like true coolers during the burofax drama icl
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maybeimamuppet · 6 months
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alright y’all. let me spin ye a yarn ye shan’t soon forget (it’ll take like 40 seconds to forget shh)
i saw MEAN GIRLS yesterday at MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL so here’s some notable moments
-literally as soon as we set foot in the building the fire alarm went off and we all had to evacuate
-3 fire engines and the fire chief showed up
-they entered the school with an axe
-no fire
-show begins damian adlibs a line and goes “and how her dodgy decisions caused another girl to get hit by a fire truck. BUS. A BUS.”
-for context overall i just need you to imagine a bunch of really talented kids being done so dirty by the adults in charge of them and this entire production looking like it has a $45 budget.
-they did not have desks despite being in a school.
-casting was piss poor except for like 3 roles which is sad bc those kids all had great voices and were just given parts that didn’t suit them
-damian CARRIEEEED. he was delightful
-the costumes. good god. i say again the budget but hoooo y’all. also there were almost no sets which was neat
-the show itself was censored to within an inch of its life which made me laugh bc it was not at all what i expected given that the other hs production i saw did not censor anything except maybe 5 words total
-it was opening night to be fair to the kids but regina had a costume malfunction right before the ‘what’s wrong with me’ feed in scene so the other three had to improv
-cady looked around for SO LONG and was like “your room is really cool. …and really… pink.”
-karen then joins in
-looks under the pillow
-“there’s no tooth for the tooth fairy D:”
-cady says “i don’t know, i would’ve thought regina had lost all her teeth by now”
-“no, i’m sure she has at least three left”
-karen then tries to put cady’s new shoes on over top of the shoes she’s already wearing
-THE BUS
-WAS A TOY BARBIE JEEP
-the jazzy was a motorized scooter STOLEN FROM THE LOCAL TARGET with the logo still on and everything
-karen and cady were sisters which was adorable and they looked so similar i thought they were twins but their body language saved it
-the choreography was absolutely piss poor it was wonderful
-during the ‘id rather be me’ feed in scene the orchestra in the pit raised their hands when they did the whole “raise your hand if you’ve ever said something bad about another girl behind her back” bit
-they played actual bells. like “for whom they toll” type in world burn
-the dresses they wore in ‘stars’ were the same ones we wore when i was there. in a production of the sound of music.
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becca-alexa · 1 year
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✨personal so read if you want to✨
the people in my immediate circle all think i'm crazy for saying i'd want to be in a relationship for 2-3 years before talking about marriage and i think they're all insane for it but then i remember the average time from strangers to married for them is around 6 months
#becca.txt#legit do not think any of their relationships went on for longer than a year before marriage#my bestie went from absolute strangers to married in 4 months#they're adorable together but FOUR MONTHS???wild#they met around christmas and their wedding was in april - they just had their 1st anniversary and their baby's due next month#that's what happens when you're latina and religious i guess#not me thinking that 30s+ is a good age to marry and have kids and everybody thinking i'm insane 👀#don't even get me started on HAVING kids -- nobody wants to hear that i can't conceive naturally they all say to stay hopeful!...#there's still a chance!you can do it!like y'all i got stage 4 endometriosis that's taken over both my ovaries i ain't having no kids 😂#honestly i've said this before and i'll say it again - if i'm to have a marriage like some of them i'd rather stay single#i think only my bestie has a TRULY happy and functional marriage#i love her for it and her husband's an angel on earth -- everyone else's marriage is a literal dumpster fire#like my dudes if you're doing relationship counseling WHILE DATING then do premarital AND post marital couseling...#why get married???? like i am the biggest supporter of utilizing mental health services but something's not right there#and don't even get me started on how YOUNG they marry or how religious folk play round robin with each other til someone sticks#god forbid you tell anyone you don't want to get married in general or GASP!you marry a non-believer#everybody always talks shit about “missional dating” and how you can't do it!!but like... everybody does it#literally everybody#it's not a big deal#just because we're the same denomination doesn't automatically make you a decent person#and the opposite is true - just because we don't believe the same things doesn't make you a hellbound pagan#it's just frustrating y'know???idk if anybody will relate to this but i am so ready to just... do my faith on my own terms#so sick of people i've known all my life looking at me like i'm sick or something bc i'm 26 and still single#by this point if anybody in that circle tries to set me up with a guy it's an automatic aversion#not one man they've ever introduced to me is worth the light of day - and i'm not being rude#like buddy you're 30+ still living at home no job no career no education no ambitions....but he's christian tho!!#yeah sure but he's still trash#i want a partner not a baby imma have to support#just me rambling about things nobody want to hear but i gotta put this out somewhere or else i'll implode
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nicksbestie · 4 months
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On The Phone - M. Sturniolo
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Summary : the one where your boyfriend is in los angeles, you're in boston, and he misses you, so he calls you late at night.
Warnings : 16+ content. i am not responsible for the media you choose to consume online. sub!matt, dom!reader, praise kink, begging, slight edging + a little bit of overstimulation, this is entirely focused on matt!!
Word Count : 2361
Pairing : Matt Sturniolo/Reader (romantic)
A/N : matt gives sub vibes so badly idc argue with the wall... enjoy this little dumpster fire!!
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You were in Boston, and your boyfriend was at his home in Los Angeles.
You didn’t like the long distance aspect of your relationship, but you understood that it was necessary due to your boyfriend’s career, and you supported him wholeheartedly. However, that didn’t mean that you didn’t miss Matt all the time, and it was clear that he missed you as well. With this being said, it wasn’t uncommon for the two of you to be spending hours upon hours on your individual phones, texting back and forth. Nick texted you every so often, frustrated about how many clips of Matt texting he had been forced to edit out of the video, because he had been so distracted by you the entire time. You found it funny, but hated that it caused extra work for Nick, so you tried to give Matt his personal space when he was filming, despite him not quite wanting you to do so. 
Tonight was one of those nights. They were out filming, and it was past midnight, so you knew Matt wouldn’t be home for a good little while. You missed him, as you hadn’t talked as much that day, but you were an independent woman, and you could handle yourself for a few hours until you got to talk to him again. So, since you were a little bored so late at night, you decided to experiment with new makeup looks, dress up a little bit, just for some fun for yourself. So you got out of bed, playing some music off of your phone as you turned on your bathroom overhead light, singing along as you style your hair around your face. You loved to dress up, even if it was for no reason, because it always made you feel good, feel pretty, or depending on what you were wearing, hot. You had a thin, white, sheer dress that you’d never worn, something that would never be worn outside of the house, because it was solely for Matt’s eyes. 
You slipped it on, being careful not to mess up your hair, choosing to put it on before you did your makeup, so that there was less risk of it being damaged, as that was much more difficult to fix than your hair. Smiling into the mirror, you began your makeup, changing your music to a new playlist. By the time that you were finished, it was past one in the morning, but you felt wide awake. You were enjoying yourself, and time was flying by, so you were confident that Matt would be back from filming any minute. You knew you looked beautiful, and you didn’t deny the fact that you were taking a ton of photos, some that might end up going on your Close Friends story, but most of them were solely to send to Matt. You had your boyfriend on Life360, so you saw when he got home, and when you got that notification, you sent a couple of the more revealing photos, complete with them being covered in the iMessage invisible ink feature, just in case his brothers were around. 
Matt responded incredibly quickly, a fast stream of partly incoherent messages. You smiled at them, loving how reactive he was to just a few simple photos. Your boyfriend was completely whipped, and you absolutely adored it. You simply sent back a smile and a heart, changing the subject to how filming had gone that early morning. You knew it was likely that he was worked up, and you knew that if you changed the subject, he wouldn’t argue with you, but you didn’t doubt that he was flustered behind the screen. You kept the conversation steered away from anything to do with how you looked or how he felt for the next hour, keeping him talking about YouTube, how every other part of yours and his day had been, knowing that there was a high possibility he was desperate for the subject to be changed. You didn’t send him all of the suggestive photos that you had taken, keeping some of them kept in your favorites for later, whenever they were needed. 
After a certain point, you broke, causing Matt’s phone to ring with an incoming FaceTime call. He answered almost immediately, his eyes widening, smiling as he saw your face. He didn’t think the photos had done you justice, and he made sure to tell you just how beautiful you looked. You smiled, striking up another casual conversation, taking in the fact that he was in his room, half sitting up against his headboard, and very obviously missing a shirt. You couldn’t deny that the messiness of his hair only added to his attractiveness, making you continue speaking to him as you simultaneously sent him another picture. You could hear his phone vibrate twice as the message went through, and you saw his screen light change as he opened his messages, his mouth dropping slightly open as he took in the photo. You could hear his breath slightly hitch, and you simply smiled as you asked him if he had even heard your original question, laughing inside at his flustered attempt to respond, his cheeks flushing red. 
Eventually, the two of you fell into a comfortable silence, you tapping through social media, uploading some of the pictures with more coverage to your close friends, and one of just your face to your public story. Matt was the first one to view both of those, liking them both and sending red hearts in your direct messages. Sitting in silence, each of you doing your own thing, you noticed after about fifteen minutes that Matt had gone on mute. His camera was still on, showing only his face, so you didn’t think much of it, until another five or so minutes, when you saw his head tip back. When he straightened it back up, you could see the flush on his cheeks had grown stronger, and you could see his phone's reflection in his eyes. It looked quite similar to the picture you had sent him earlier, and you smiled to yourself as you realized what he was up to. He must have forgotten his camera was on. You unmute yourself, not saying anything, simply watching your boyfriend as his eyes fluttered shut for a split second.
“You like those photos more than I expected you to.”
His eyes snapped open, shock racing through his features as he realized that he had still been in frame. His blushed darkened impossibly, staring at you with his mouth slightly dropped open like a fish out of water, failing to come up with words.
“What? You’re going to get off to my pictures and not even have the decency to show me?” 
He continued to falter for words, and when he shifted positions, a small whimper leaving his mouth, you smiled sweetly at him, your faux innocent look a stark contrast to his current situation. 
“You haven’t even stopped touching yourself. You get caught getting off to someone you’re on the phone with, and you’re too much of a slut to stop doing it when they call you out? God, baby, you’re more desperate than I thought.” 
He didn’t respond with any words, just a low moan leaving his lips as his hand clearly continued to move. The shift of his arm in the edge of the camera frame told you the degradation was doing wonders for him, and you smiled to yourself at just how easy it was to have him melting for you. 
“Move the camera, baby. If you’re gonna get off to me, I want to see it.” 
He let out a small whine, immediately doing as asked, a short gasp leaving his lips when he was rewarded with a “good boy.” Matt had a massive praise kink, something you had discovered the first time you had ever done anything with him. You’d spoken a simple “doing so good for me” and he’d practically cum on the spot, humiliation filling his cheeks. Since then, you’d made sure to reward him with consistent praise, loving the way he reacted to it. 
“Go on, baby, tell me what you’re thinking about.” 
At your words, Matt’s hand was moving quicker than it had been, his head now swirling with not just the photo of you, but the full image of you on his live call, your voice encouraging his actions. You laughed to yourself as he struggled to string together a full sentence, his head very clearly overwhelmed with his current situation. 
“Answer me, or you’ll stop what you’re doing.” 
The gentle, but serious, threat of you telling him to stop, and him having to go the rest of the night with no release, was enough for him to finally spit out some words, for the first time in what felt like ages, but had really only been a couple of minutes.
“Thinkin’ about you…” 
He trailed off, his words slightly slurred from pleasure as he ran his thumb over his slit, tightening his grip as his hand moved back down. 
“Yeah? Wishing it was my hand instead of yours?” 
He didn’t hesitate to answer this time, choking out a response almost immediately.
“Yes, fuck. Yes.” 
Matt was easily overwhelmed, and often had a short trigger, so when his noises were getting higher in pitch, you knew he wouldn’t last much longer. Seeing his eyes trained on you and raking over the sheer dress you had on, you dropped it off of your shoulders with a smile, and his reaction was exactly what you expected. His hand sped up impossibly, more frequent moans leaving his lips. He turned his head into the pillow, letting out muffled whimpers with his eyes closed into it so as to not disturb anyone else in the house. 
His hips started to push up into his hand, his chest rising and falling more sharply as his breathing picked up speed, and his moaning turned into a steady stream of little whimpers.
“Are you close, baby?” 
You knew the answer, you just wanted to make him agree, knowing it would add on to his slight humiliation. As he choked out a “Uh huh”, his head too floaty with pleasure to form anything else, you smiled at his fucked out state. He was so easy to break down, and he always looked so pretty when he was like this. You spoke praises to him, a few harsh words mixed in between, loving the way his moans choked off at your words, until all he was letting out was a long string of begs. It was a constant stream of “please, please, please, I need-” before you cut him off.
“Relax, baby. You can wait a little bit longer.” 
He reacted to your words with a cut off gasp and his flushed face frantically shaking his head, as if to tell you no, he couldn’t. You didn’t respond, simply watching his movements, noting the way he slowed down a little, steering himself away from the edge but still keeping his pleasure heightened, and you loved just how good he was for you. You weren’t there, he could technically ignore you and get himself off if he so pleased, but even though he desperately wanted to, he waited for your permission, always, because you both knew it felt more rewarding for him when he had it. 
His phone was leaned up against something further down the bed, and you could see when his free hand moved to grab it, his hand shaky as he brought the camera closer to his face before turning the viewpoint around. His thighs were shaking, and his hand was speeding up again, and you knew he wasn’t going to last. He’d been incredibly good for you, so when the pleas began to fall from his lips, you made sure to quickly answer them, not wanting to make him wait much longer.
“Go on, baby, but put your phone back where it was. I want to see how pretty you look when you cum.” 
His face was easily your favorite thing to look at. His eyes screwed tightly shut, his jaw dropping in a long, low moan, his free hand fisting his sheets as his entire head tipped back, putting his neck on display. But you couldn’t deny the insane attractiveness of the way his hips lifted off of the bed, the arch in his back, and the way his thighs trembled. His breathing turned into short gasps as he came, incoherent babbles of half formed words escaping as he rode out his high, listening to your encouraging words of how beautiful he looked, but one of the gasps was one of shock and not pleasure when your last sentence reached his ears.
“Don’t stop until I tell you to, baby.” 
Matt adored being overstimulated, the balance of pleasure and pain making him cry but desperately beg for more. You didn’t plan on pushing him through more than one orgasm tonight, but he was definitely going to finish riding out this wave as long as he could, and you were enjoying listening to his moans turn into whines, his whimpers turning more sob-like. You didn’t tell him to stop until he was nearly crying, the pleasure bordering on the pain that came before pushing through to another orgasm, and his chest was heaving as he removed his hand from himself.
“Did perfect for me, honey.”
He gave you a tired smile, chest still rising and falling harshly as he came down from the effects of his pleasure, his mind seemingly in a state of natural high. You showered him with praise as he laid there for a moment, before softly instructing him to clean himself up. Your gentle push was enough to get him moving, wiping himself off and washing his hands before pulling on clean boxers and pajama pants, crawling back into bed.
“I wish you were here.”
You smiled at his words.
“I wish I was too. I’ll be there soon, don’t worry.” 
And you’d be sure to bring the sheer dress you’d worn tonight.
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lacroixqueen · 2 months
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i'm so chill but you make me jealous jealous deadpool x fem!reader, 18+
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Summary: deadpool sees you on a date with another guy and loses his shit lol
Pairing: jealous deadpool x fem!reader
Word Count: 1.4k
Warnings/Tags: jealousy, possessive, angst, brat, noncon, dubcon
You were trying to figure out the fastest way to get out of this dumpster fire of a date. This is what you get for putting yourself out there, by the fervent advice of both your mother and entire social circle. So you went ahead and downloaded a dating app out of sheer boredom but also a tiny glimmer of hope. After quite a number of left swipes and a small handful of rights, you somehow wound up across the dinner table with… er, you forgot his name already. 
But you knew he worked in finance. Or was it accounting? Anyways, he was currently explaining the intricacies of the stock market to you, and the appetizer hasn’t even come out yet. And you realized that you couldn’t care any less. 
“I.. have to go to the bathroom,” you said, standing up quickly and pushing in your chair. Your date almost didn’t seem to notice, giving you a half-hearted acknowledgement and then continuing to drabble on to himself about cryptocurrency. 
Without another word, you darted to the nearest exit of the restaurant, finding yourself on the freshly rained-on sidewalk. You always loved the smell of the concrete after it had just rained. 
Your heels made a satisfying click-clack sound as you briskly maneuvered your way down the street. You opened up your texts to see if you missed anything during the god-awful date, and lo and behold, was a message from none other than Wade.
“Love the dress,” it read. 
You glanced behind you, then side to side, and once you turned back around, there he was, leaning against the side of the cornerstore. 
“What are you doing here?” you asked, barely turning towards him before directing your attention back to your phone and continuing to walk past him. 
“Ohhhh, so it’s ice cold today,” he commented, following right behind you. “I love that flavor.”
“What do you want,” you said while texting a friend about how disastrously the date went. “I am just going home.”
“Well, I was just walking by when I caught a glimpse of you through the window of that Italian restaurant back there,” the assassin replied. “Speaking of which, what was on the menu? I mean that place looked upscale! Like they probably sprinkle gold dust on their pasta instead of parmesan.”
It was an Olive Garden.
“To be blunt, I honestly forgot,” you responded. “I didn’t even eat anything.”
“Well, why did you leave so early?” he pried, this obviously piquing his attention now.
“I-I felt sick,” you lied, your intonation increasing as quickly as your apprehension. “Can we just change the subject, please?”
“Oh ho ho,” Deadpool chuckled, as if he struck gold. “That bad? I mean, I didn’t get a great look at the guy, but from what I saw, he wasn’t terrible-looking. Also, he wore a fleece vest. I mean, that’s just the height of fashion, you really can’t get any better than that.”
“Are you having fun?” you said, rolling your eyes as he continued to mock your absolutely colossal defeat of an evening. 
“Oh, absolutely,” Deadpool laughed. “The other point of contention is why the hell you decided to pull out this absolute banger of a dress for your first date with Mr. Finance Bro there and not ours?”
“That was not a date,” you enunciated, pressing your finger into Wade’s chest. “That was a drunken one night stand that will never happen again and that you even promised to never bring up. It was stupid and nonsensical and I can’t believe it even happened in the first place.”
“Oh come on, Y/N, you’re going to break my heart,” he whined, clasping his hands together like a needy puppy. “I, for one, thought that night was very special. I mean, you even told me that you could see yourself fall-”
Before he could say another word, you grabbed him by the hand and led him into a dark alleyway so that innocent bystanders wouldn’t hear you scream.
“Stop! Bringing that up!” you exclaimed. 
Deadpool was shocked his casual mention of the event elicited such a strong emotion from you. “Okay, okay, jeez.. calm down.”
You sighed, letting him go and turning your back to him. 
But he didn’t let you. Not even for a second. Before you could even react, he grabbed you by the neck and slammed you into the wall. 
You gasped, your hands instinctively reaching up to clasp over his while his grip only tightened over your carotid. 
“Besides, you know that I only followed you here because I wanted to see more of you in this ridiculously skimpy dress..” his voice darkened as he continued to choke you like a helpless animal. “I mean, look at you. That thing practically clings onto you like skin! If you weren’t such a tightass I would have ripped it off of you by now..”
He unsheathed his pocket knife and ran it across your lacy scarlet choker, over the thin straps of your slip dress, and onto your chest. He traced the outline of your cleavage with the dull edge, and then slowly slid it down over your taut stomach. 
You were trying to gulp up air for just one breath, but his hold was unrelenting. 
“I mean a red mini dress, are you fucking kidding me?” he snarled, his blade gently brushing against the garter belt on your right thigh. “Wearing my favorite color? With some other guy? This has got to be orchestrated at this point, Y/N.”
“Wade.. please..” you begged, lips beginning to quiver. Regardless of how much he joked around with you, he scared you when he was angry. 
He finally released you, allowing you to cough and gasp for your first breath. 
“But you know of course I wouldn’t kill you, I mean who do you think I am, a psychopath?” his tone immediately brightened up the moment he saw how much you feared him. “I just like watching you not being able to breathe is all. It’s so cute.”
 After you finally caught your breath, you stared daggers down at the vigilante who stood before you. 
“Listen, Wade,” you said. “I understand you are not exactly pleased with the current state of affairs. But this isn’t entirely up to me. And I’ve told you this a million different times.’
The assassin let out a dramatic, almost cinematic sigh. “Yes, I know, Your mother wants you to date ‘someone sensible with a stable career and not a psycho killer’. Which is perfectly understandable! I get it. I mean, I would probably think the same thing if I lived in the suburbs and made tuna casserole in my spare time.”
“Wade..” you shook your head and rolled your eyes. “You know it’s not that simple.” You walked up to him and gently lifted up his mask to reveal only his lips. 
He didn’t hesitate to grab you by the waist and pull you so close that your body was pressed up against his. 
You stood up on your tiptoes in your heels, stabilizing yourself by holding onto his broad shoulders. You weren’t exactly sure what you were doing, but you knew something within you just wanted to kiss him. But you also didn’t know if this was the right idea. 
The plump part of your lip gently brushed against his. The smell of your watermelon lip gloss was driving him crazy. He started to breathe heavily, and if another second passed where you weren’t kissing him he would say fuck it and just do it himself. 
You felt his hot breath in your mouth, and you felt your arms twist around him like they knew exactly where to rest themselves. Like they have done this before. 
“I’m so stupid for this,” you sighed, as you felt his lips beginning to close over yours. 
He smiled smugly into the kiss, quite pleased with himself over the hard fought victory. Without another moment of hesitation, he grabbed the back of your thighs and lifted you up without much effort at all. He walked over to the wall, pressing your back softly against it. 
You wrapped your legs around his waist automatically, kissing him like you would die if you stopped. You felt his tongue wrap desperately around yours. He was aggressive, hungry even. He wanted you all to himself, not some fucker in a fleece vest or anyone else for that matter. 
You knew you would regret your decision in the morning. And that no matter how hard you tried to deny it, you would come running back to him. Every single time. 
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angel-of-the-moons · 4 months
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Desert Heat
Alpha!Cooper Howard x Fem!Omega!Reader
TW/CW: Smut, NSFW, Omegaverse AU, Chem usage, Chems, Heat cycles, Rough Sex, Sex-pollen, Dub-con, Dirty talk, Dacryphilia, Needy!Reader, Oral sex (m + f), Cumming untouched, Biting, Marking, Breeding kink, Knotting, Unprotected Sex, Creampie (Pack your RadAway, kids!)
MINORS DNI I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTENT YOU CONSUME
A/N: Blame @hydraliskisk for this one lmaoooo (And no, I still haven't seen the show... I can't find the time to sit down and relax enough to do it at home) Honestly? No idea what else to say, except I've never written Omegaverse stuff before this, so it was all new to me! This felt like a fever dream 😭 Enjoy this dumpster fire!
Taglist: @anna-n-hetfield
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Cooper found himself grinding his teeth yet again, for the millionth time that day as he rooted about the ruins of the little rural neighborhood. He was on edge; his puckered and scarred skin itching beneath the surface, like the bad come-down from a fucked up chem.
He had another argument with you, his "lovely" little traveling companion; the third in the past two days. You had been getting increasingly temperamental. He had to guess you were going through withdrawal; your favorite particular tin case of "Fixer" was empty, so he assumed your newfound testiness was a result of that situation.
But Jesus fucking Christ, you were a bitchy little Beta, weren't you? Certainly had bite when you got pissed off. It'd be cute, if you weren't such a thorn in his side, at the moment.
He kicked over an empty wooden box, frowning at the long-since spoiled jars of preserved fruits and vegetables, his jaw working itself hard with a rough click.
He hoped your search was more fruitful than his own; your supplies were on the iffy side in terms of food and he knew that as a ghoul, he didn't need to eat as often as you did anymore. But you were still smooth and (as far as he knew) un-mutated, so all of your biological needs still needed to be tended to.
It was an irritating hassle, but he couldn't deny how scrappy and useful you were in terms of scavenging and watching his back so he could get sleep when he wanted it--thankful you were also a crack shot thanks to being born out here in the wastes.
Once again, his gloved hand scratched at his neck as he moved on to another house, ready to search for food, water, and Chems, if need be, too. Some Rad-X and RadAway were worth more than water to him, at this point...
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You hated this.
Hate, hate, absolutely, unequivocally despised the situation you'd accidentally backed yourself into. You were hoping to keep your secret for as long as possible; but during your travels monitoring your Fixer stash had been almost an afterthought. You took one to one-and-a-half daily, carefully stretching your stash for as long as possible.
You knew your one-month pause in your doses was coming, and you were hoping to get away from Cooper long enough to take care of your problems on your own; but that wasn't feasible given how far out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere you found yourselves in.
You had resisted the urge to hunker down as long as possible... But your instincts were firing on full-blast.
Your heat suppressants had worn off. And Cooper, unfortunately... Well. He was the only Alpha nearby, and you knew he'd figure it out at some point. You just didn't want him to find out so soon; all because of your shitty planning.
Your feet dragged through the rotting aisles of the small general store, barely paying attention and swiping whatever looked good enough to take into your satchel, some dented cans of unopened cram, a few preserved boxes of stale snack cakes...
You were so out of it, you hadn't even noticed how your hands had begun unwrapping the sweet morsels and eating through the meager rations you'd scrounged up. After swallowing the last cake you had unwrapped, you stuffed them into your bag and willed yourself to stop focusing on them and drank greedily from your canteen.
Fuck. You were already stuffing yourself. You knew what would inevitably come next...
You swallowed hard and returned to your task of scavenging; managing to find a box of .38 rounds, some cans of emergency ration water, and even a small stash of caps that you pocketed to divide later, when you were more in your right mind.
Your eyes, however, lit up when you spotted a cluster of prickly pear growing beneath a blown-out window, the fruit running in mixes ranging from green to mauve to a deep, almost bloody-purple shade. Perfect.
You slipped on your rawhide gloves to protect yourself from the thorns and glochids sticking out so menacingly from the skin of the fruit. As you twisted and plucked each treat from the source, you set each one down in a cracked ceramic bowl lying nearby. You'd need to run them over a flame to burn off the microscopic needles before you could skin and eat them; but right now you were only partially thinking about that.
A shimmer caught your eye, a flower growing at the base of the cactus. The petals were vibrant pink. It almost looked like a Venus flytrap, in the way the spindly, velvety tendrils opened and closed, the stalk expanding in a way that made you think the plant was almost breathing.
You tilted your head, your pre-heat daze almost forgotten as your attention was grabbed by this mutated, alien-looking plant. Despite everything else, even in regards to the thriving cactus it sprouted at the feet from... it was a bright and vibrant green as well, happily nourished in the dry earth within the ruined building. The bright splash of color mixed with the undulating petals were transfixing to your addled state.
Forgetting caution above all else, your fingers began to clasp around the stalk of one of the flowers to pluck it, to examine it closer. But as you did that, the flower had lurched in a way that looked like it was about to vomit.
You fell back onto your butt as it spat out a shimmery cloud of pollen into your face. It burned and tickled your nose as you inhaled, waving your hand in front of your face frantically to clear the air, sputtering and coughing around the choking dust as you wiped your eyes and face, looking at the thin chalky substance that was transferred onto your glove.
And, within the span of a few moments... it was like everything else just... didn't matter. Your goals of scavenging were tossed out of your mental window, your body's reaction like a wildfire in dry brush.
Your brain was buzzing, your instincts overriding your common sense as you stand up and walk away from the bowl of fruit. You raipped off your bag your bag and only half paid attention to the sound of the tin cans clattering and ammo tinkling as it spilled out, the weight of the leather strap had rapidly been becoming more and more uncomfortable, your clothes beginning to feel like sandpaper on your skin.
A bead of sweat trickled down between your shoulder blades, and you shuddered. Your eyes looked around almost frantically. You needed somewhere safe, your instincts screamed mercilessly.
And, by the grace of whatever kind of omniscient being that was up in the sky, you found a basement.
It looked like whoever owned the store had refitted it into some kind of shelter. Or, hell, maybe it was used by some scavver before you had traipsed along. Whatever it had been used for, you didn't care, it was yours now.
It had a bed, a couch, some more supplies half-assedly stacked on a rickety table... your eyes adjusted to the dark, the only source of light you had was the light bleeding from the open basement door, and the faintly glowing mushrooms that sprouted from the basement walls in thick clumps.
The logical part of your brain identified the fungi; you could use them to make RadAway with the supplies you had on hand. Another part of your logic had told you something crucial--that plant; whatevert it was, had spat out a cloud of pollen that had all but skipped your pre-heat, only just barely leaving your basic instincts to nest, and the overwhelming craving to be pinned down to the nearest surface and fucked until you were round with somebody's pups.
The rest of your mind was spiraling so quickly you felt like you were drunk; cramps rippling through your lower half impeded your progress as you ripped the threadbare blankets and cushions off of the couch, piling them on top of the mattress you'd tossed to the floor from the rusted metal frame it had been laid on, pushing them up into a corner that felt the most secure and least exposed, trying to make it as comfortable as possible.
Your clothes had become drenched with your sweat, the crotch of your pants and underwear all but ruined by your excess slick. You growled and grunted as you tugged them off, kicking the offending garments away and sighing in relief at the cool, damp air hitting your hot skin.
Another shudder rippled through you as you felt another wave of cramps hit your abdomen; your pussy fluttering with needy want, making you whine loudly as you pant, crawling back up the stairs to slap the door closed.
You needed to ride this out. Somehow.
The next few days were going to be hell.
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Cooper clicked his tongue, spitting out the dry reed he'd begun chewing on as his boots kicked up dust, the rusty spurs tinkling with every step as he made his way to the last place you could possibly be--the ruined general store.
He had to admit, this little place would make a good settlement. He couldn't help but wonder why it hadn't been settled. The river that had--by a chance of dumb luck--kept flowing had allowed the land to grow a steady clump of greens and browns. Cacti and Joshua trees littered the area, more than a few large agave plants had overgrown the smaller walkways; their prickly limbs reaching out like the epicenter of a pale green explosion.
He chuckled at his mental comparisons. Ironic.
But he pushed that thought to the side; he had observed a small flower of some kind. A pair of lizards he'd planned to catch and eat had skittered up to it, drawn by the lure of fat insects buzzing around the flower for a nice meal for themselves.
He watched as one of the little critters had crept closer, preparing to lash its tongue out to snag one of the fat, fluttering bugs. But as it did, the flower lurched, belching a cloud of pollen at it that made the lizard hiss; thrashing briefly in the sand as its companion crawled over to examine its friend.
The male--oh, he was certain it was a male--lifted its head after a moment, the throat sack beneath his throat puffed up, turning a bright shade of red. A mating display, he realized.
Cooper had watched with slight interest; remembering, once-upon-a-time, of a nature documentary he'd watched with his daughter, Janey, of desert lizards. This sort of thing was the closest form of entertainment he had during his traveling, reminding him with a dull throb of nostalgia and grief at the life he had lost, before.
His thoughts were pulled back to the now, as he watched the male lizard chase his female companion around, until he assumed, he tackled her beneath a rocky crag somewhere to mate with her. He'd snorted, reminding himself to steer clear of those flowers.
Getting hot and horny could be a death sentence, out in the wasteland. You could be so caught up in the moment, you could get snuck up on and offed in the middle of the night; your supplies picked from your carcass by who-knows-who...
And he wasn't looking to have his card punched with his cock in hand. That just wasn't a good way to go out.
Cooper's dark eyes lifted up, clicking his tongue at the lilted sign of the shop, stepping over the bleached wood of the door that had long since rotted off its hinges.
The setting sun had put a damper in his plans. He'd wanted to find you and get out of the proverbial ghost town before the darkness had set in. Something about these old buildings had him uncomfortable.
His gloved finger snagged the collar of his faded shirt, tugging on it as he hissed out a heavy sigh. Why was it so fuckin' hot in here? The fuck smelled so... sweet?
His finger pulled the hammer back and his thumb flicked the cylinder release as he crept along the rotting shelves. He'd called out your name once. Upon receiving no answer, his brow furrowed.
"Darlin', now ain't the time to be playing in the dark." Cooper growled, his eyes scanning the shop for any signs of you.
In the setting sunlight, his eyes caught the glimmer of one of your buckles of your satchel. He quickly rushed over to where it had been tossed--maybe in some kind of tussle--and frowned. It was full of freshly scavenged supplies. Guns, ammo... your favorite chem tin.
As his eyes gave a passing scan to your empty tin, his gaze lifted to the cactus you'd been harvesting, the bowl of fruit laying untouched since you'd picked it.
What remained of his nose twitched; your scent was everywhere, tainted with the strangling-sweet smell clinging to the dust in the air. He couldn't pick up anybody else's around, so that ruled out you getting into a fight. So the question remained the same--where were you?
He holstered his pistol when he examined the cactus closer, frowning as the strange plant from before twitched and swayed on its own, lurching and grabbing flies that got too close to the petals of the flower. Cooper grunted, looking down to the dented metal tin still clutched in his hand.
His heart had almost skipped out of his chest as he finally bothered to examine the writing scrawled on the tin in proper detail; among your little scratches and scribbles was the name of the chem it contained.
It wasn't just regular Fixer. It was Heat-Fixer. A common variation of the chem that had been used even before the Great War to ward off an Omega's heat cycles as long as they took it regularly and in safe doses. He remembered once, being in Anchorage and it was revealed that one of his comrades in his unit was an Omega; he explained what exactly the Fixer did to his team over a lull in combat one night.
And you currently had an empty tin.
An empty tin of heat-supressants, coupled with the strange pollen of that flower... it wasn't a good combination for an Omega to be caught out in the middle of nowhere while in heat, not when someone could so easily stumble upon you and take advantage of your crazed and sex-hungry state.
No wonder you had been so snappy and irritable. No wonder you had been so anxious and ready to go to the next town, to hunker down there for a few days. He had assumed you were just being spoiled, wanting to pamper yourself somehow from the tough life on the road.
Now, he realized, you had been hoping to shut yourself in somewhere, to hide the mutated elephant you tried to smuggle into the room. Oh, yeah... he'd have a long talk with you once all this was over with.
"Fuckin' hell, darlin'." He muttered, shaking his head, his jaw clenched tight as he tossed it back into your bag, slinging it over his bandolier as he continued his search for you.
Your scent had him almost dizzy, he had even stumbled over his own feet once or twice as he looked for you. He knew Omegas had some strong instincts; he knew from experience you were going to look for somewhere safe to ride this out, to try and take care of yourself.
But on the off-chance something else had happened to you... Cooper had inwardly cursed at himself for being so worried. You were sometimes a little naive, believing in the best of the worst of people that had been a part of your tribal-turned-civilized home where he'd found you.
You had been an outcast even among your own tribe, most likely smothering your Omega nature by sneaking off under the guise of "scavenging" during your heats and the suppressants you were taking to mask it all.
Aside from finding out you were an Omega, not a Beta like you'd claimed, Cooper had felt a bit of kinship with you in how you were ostracized for how you were, maybe even a bit towards your naive hope that the best in humanity could one day resurface despite everything around you staring you in the face and screaming otherwise...
His mouth had become dry and he swallowed hard, his tongue practically choking him. It felt like he had a wad of cotton in his mouth despite the saliva that had begun to accumulate. The identity of your scent had finally dawned on him. The familiar, comforting scent of something akin to an apple pie; something he hadn't had in a very, very long time. And the idea he might be able to taste it again had consumed a part of his brain.
Your pheromones had all but tainted the stale air inside the small structure; if he still had any hair, it would have been standing on end as each drag of air coated his lungs in everything that was you.
Fuck, you smelled delicious. Good enough to eat.
Cooper gritted his teeth once more, briefly reaching down to press his palm into the rather pressing erection that had become prominently bulged in his old worn trousers. His own Alpha instincts had stirred; they had been almost dormant for so long, he'd almost forgotten them.
But right now, every one of his senses had picked up you. A sweet, perfect little Omega, writhing somewhere on your own and waiting to be bred. He shuddered at his train of thought; reminding himself that he was looking for you to make sure you were okay... to... to make sure you were safe, and to--what was he thinking, again?
Fuck. Right. He was going to find you, and stand guard around wherever you'd nested up and just wait for it to pass. Lecture you when it was over.
But as he crept along the ruined store, he had to stop and slump against a wall, his eyes rolling at the smell permeating the air, your pheromones flooding his bloodstream like the sweetest chem he'd had in a long, long time.
Cooper had managed to drag one foot after the other to find the basement door. Your scent rolled from the wood like the smoke to a powerful fire. You were down there, alright.
And against his better judgement, Cooper twisted the rust old knob and took the first step down, pulling out his old--and by-miracle still functioning--wind-up flashlight, he flicked the switch and walked down, his eyes tracking the glowing fungi that lined bits of the basement walls with a bit of giddy euphoria.
"Cooper..." He'd heard you croak out.
He spun on his heels, the beam of his light eventually turning onto you.
His heart had jumped up into his throat as he took you in; your frantically-made nest, the barriers you'd built between you and the rest of the room... the bare, sweaty skin that glistened in the torchlight he held in his hand.
He shook his head as another wave of your pheromones blasted him full-force. Fuck. What the hell had he been thinking? Oh. Right. He hadn't been thinking. He let his dick do the walking and find you, like some sex-crazed punk Alpha just coming into his nature.
"Cooper." You said again, your pupils blown so wide he almost couldn't see the color of your irises as you looked at him with your hooded gaze, your lips looking all to plush and swollen as you licked at them.
"Darlin', you..." He swallowed hard, his hard cock already bordering on painful, sweat beginning to soak through his shirt beneath his leather duster as his breathing increased.
"Help me. Please." You whined, sitting up more as you crawled over the nest of blankets towards him as your tongue ran over your teeth, your hips swaggering with each movement; reminding him of the scene in a shitty porno magazine he read as a younger man.
"Need something--"
"Shit. No." Cooper hissed, squeezing his eyes shut as he regained a semblance of some control over himself once again; backing up to the stairs, ready to rush back up them and lock you down here until this was all over.
When the stairs creaked under the weight of his first step, you whined, halting any more movement from him.
"Please." You panted, little whimpers bubbling through from between each syllable as you spoke, "Need help... goin' nuts... need you... please."
Cooper had stupidly snuck a glance at you, standing on your knees and leaning forward slightly in the middle of the dusty floor, one hand roughly groping at your own breast and the other snaking between your legs to roll your clit in time with the lazy thrusts of your hips. It was the sexiest goddamn thing he'd seen in his fucking life; a fresh rush of arousal making his cock throb.
"Help me." You whined, your eyes watery and needy as your gazes locked in the darkened space.
His eyes rolled back into his head and Cooper growled, his chest tightening at how you whined once more in submission to him. His feet stomped across the room, and he set his light down on the table enough to illuminate some of the room; namely you.
"Needy little fuckin' Omega," Cooper had spat as he ripped off his excessive bulk. Your bags joined his on the table, the contents scattering across the surface as his bandolier was tossed on top of it all alongside his guns.
"You been thinkin' about getting fucked all day, haven't ya?" He sneered as he tugged his gloves off with his teeth, dropping them as he moved back towards you.
You leaned into his touch as one of his hands cupped your cheek, eyes fluttering closed as he used his other hand plucked the buttons on the collar of his shirt free; his dark eyes taking in your soaked and aroused state as your hand between your legs continued to furiously rub and pinch at yourself for any stimulation--to ease that growing ache in your cunt.
The rough and scarred pad of his thumb swept a desperate tear from your cheek as he spoke; "A needy little bitch in heat, ain'tcha? Fuck, what if it wasn't me that came lookin' for ya?" His hand went from gentle to rough, squishing your cheeks between his fingers as he forced you to look up to him, his lips curling up into a snarl. "Bet at this point you'd go and bend over for any wasteland fuck coming along to bury their cock in you, probably fuck some pups into ya."
Your mouth opened in a breathy little moan, your eyes almost fluttering closed once again as he continued. "Well, fuck that. I ain't letting no fucking scavver take what's mine, got it?"
Your eyes immediately went to his crotch when his free hand roughly worked free his belt buckle, ripping his button open and fly down to free his throbbing cock to you, your mouth watering and your pussy flooding at the premise of him just burying himself inside of you and staying there.
"Now, given all the trouble you've been causin' me... I'm tempted to not give you my cock, got it?" He huffed, looking down at you from the remnants of the bridge of his nose, a sick sense of pride swelling his ego at how your eyes grew wide and panicked; like you were a junkie denied their next fix, so gone in withdrawal you thought you were going to die.
Cooper laughed at you as tears gathered in your eyes at his threat, your pretty little lip wobbling. He could almost hear your heart pound in the sweet little chest of yours. He squished your cheeks once again to snap you out of it, groaning as his hand gripped the base of his cock. "But you've got me in a bit of a state, babydoll." He drawled. "So..."
He tapped the tip of his scarred and gnarled cock to your lips, and grunted when you immediately curled your tongue underneath the tip, sucking him past your plush lips with a loud and grateful moan.
"...you're gonna suck me reeeal good... and maybe, if you're a good girl, you'll get it all, got it?"
You moaned again as you took him deeper, your tongue curling around his shaft as your head moved further down his length, gagging around him as you try to take too much too quickly.
Cooper fisted your hair and yanked you back, his gravelly voice tumbling out of him as he looked down at you, a warning in his eyes. "Don't push yourself, cupcake. Take what you can. I'd hate for you to choke on my cock before I've had a chance to fuck you with it."
You nodded drunkenly, immediately moving to take him into the wet cavern of your mouth once again with loud slurping sounds as you bobbed your head, your fingers rolling your clit in time with the bob of your head and the cant of your hips. Cooper ran his fingers through your hair, petting you as he watches you return to your task with feverish need.
"That's it, babydoll... fuck. You been thinkin' about this for some time, huh? Havin' somebody let you take their cock in your mouth?" He laughed, his voice going tight as you moaned in reply.
"Shit--that's it! Fuck..."
Cooper's heart was pounding in his chest as he feels your tongue swirl the tip of his cock. It had been too damn long since he'd had a good fuck; and you were proving to be a goddamn amazing one, so far, if your tongue skills were anything to go by. His hands gripped the back of your head and he started to arch his back, fucking his cock into your mouth with a loud, pleasured sigh. He wasn't going to last long, and he had disregarded his earlier warnings of taking it too quickly as the haze of his building orgasm began to swell as he began to use your mouth for his own pleasure. Not that you minded.
The moment he felt his cock twitch, he grunted, his eyes rolling back.
"Shit, darlin'... get ready."
You whined around his cock, your cunt gushing around your fingers as you plunged them inside, your lashes brushing your cheeks as you eagerly try to taste every drop he was willing to give you.
The first splash on your tongue had you a moaning mess, arousal burning low in your belly and a bubble that had been swelling was ready to burst. Cooper yanked you back by the hair again and gripped his cock, jerking furiously as each hot volley of thick cum coated your face, splashing on your tongue as it lolled out of your mouth; dripping down your chin and onto your breasts.
Cooper chuckled grimly, "Well... that's one way to mark that prettly lil' body of yours."
He quickly swiped his cum off of your face, earning a complaining whine from you until he crammed his fingers into your mouth, letting you suck them clean; tasting him mixed with the dirt, grime, and gunpowder that clung to his skin. His eyes flashed dangerously as he watched you spasm slightly, eyes rolling back; his taste, the sensations he was pushing on your and the sheer forcefulness of his actions making you climax as you moaned around his hand that was all but choking you.
"Look't you. So fuckin' cockdrunk you can't even fuckin' talk." He mocked playfully, pulling his fingers from your lips with a loud pop.
Cooper kneeled down in front of you and grinned, his teeth flashing that signature smile of his as he practically lunged for you; hoisting you over his shoulder and slapping a palm over your ass, fingers dipping into your sweet cunt to toy with the juices that dribbled down your thighs, making you moan obscenely.
He dropped to his knees and rolled you down onto the nest you'd made in the corner, watching with his grin; twisting his scarred face in a look of aroused glee as you laid back and spread your legs for him, showcasing just how badly you needed him.
"Damn, darlin'... got yourself lookin' like a nice glazed snack, for me." He chuckled, beginning to shrug his shirt the rest of the way off, working his pants down his legs as he blindly kicked his shoes off in the dark. "Makes me wanna fuckin' eat ya right up..."
He tipped his head to the side, one of his hands grabbing his hat and tossing it off somewhere out of sight as he exposed more and more of himself to your hungry eyes. "Actually... that ain't a bad idea, heh."
Your hips rolled and you spread your puffy and swollen lips apart for him with a mewl as he lowered himself down onto his belly and elbows, looking up at you with a glimmer in his eyes.
"Now, I ain't gonna just give it to ya, sweetheart... you gotta tell me. Ask me nice."
"Please. Cooper. Please." You pant. "Please, please, please, please please--"
"Now, now..." Cooper warned, reaching up to slap his fingers onto your clit and watching your body jump at the contact. "That's not what I meant."
Your brows furrow down at him, swallowing the saliva that accumulated in your mouth as your brain tries to process what he meant through the red fog your mind was clouded with.
Finally, it clicks.
"Cooper, please..." You mewl loudly. "A-Alpha, please--"
The sound that comes from him makes your mind blank and your body shudder, going almost slack with relief as his lips closed around your weeping cunt, babbling "thank you's" and frantic, almost incoherent words as he gave you a taste of what you'd been craving.
You were veeeery happy it was Cooper that found you. Right now you couldn't imagine anyone else to have between your legs, drinking you down like you were his first taste of water after being stranded in the desert.
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Cooper had laid there for... he didn't even know how long. Tasting you, edging you, biting and nipping your inner thighs, making you cum to the point you felt like you had gone blind had his chest swell with pride and... something else. More than just plain sexual attraction, more than the fact that you were and Omega accepting him as your Alpha right now...
He didn't focus on that too long, shoving those feelings to the back of his mind as he rose to his knees, yanking your quivering hips close to him, his cock slapping your belly as he stared down at you.
"Gonna fuck you now, darlin'. Give you every fuckin' inch of what you've been wanting." Cooper hissed, rolling his cock through your slick folds with a lazy thrust. Your hands reach out to grab at his arms, frantic and wanting as you nodded dumbly, mindlessly.
"Please, please--yes, yes, yes--"
"Easy, now." Cooper chuckled, his voice almost dropping into fondness as his hands gripped and squished your thighs. "Just lay back and let me fuck you like y'need, alright, baby?"
You keen lowly, dropping your head onto one of the pillows as you feel the tip of his cock notch at your waiting hole, your pussy clenching as he pushed in; his pace torturously slow as he sunk himself within your welcoming, tight and wet heat.
He tipped his head back with a pleasured sigh, his voice shaky, as he savored the ecstasy of your body; "Jesus fuck, you feel so damn good... fit me like a glove, sweetheart."
"Fuck me." You mewled, frantically grabbing at whatever bits of him you could to try and urge him on, your legs wrapping around his waist, heels digging into the back of his thighs as you try to encourage him deeper.
Cooper growled at you, leaning down to press his mouth to your ear; "You don't tell me what to fuckin' do. Right now, I'm gonna fuck you so full you're gonna feel like yer gonna pop. Got it? Don't get bossy on me, y'hear?"
You curled around him, clinging to him desperately. "Sorry. Sorry, sorry..." You cried softly. "J-Just n-need... Need you, please..."
"I was just teasin' ya, sweetheart..." Cooper sighed with a chuckle, pulling out halfway before sharply thrusting back in, your breasts jiggling as your body jerks with the effort of his thrust. "Don't be such a crybaby."
Your jaw snaps shut with a strangled moan, your teeth grinding as your body welcomes him eagerly, all the stress and anxiety of your heat melting away in the pleasure that Cooper was bullying into your cunt, sloppy, loud, lewd noises coming from between you as he plunged his cock in and out of you; his skin slapping against yours.
A small part of you right now was vaguely recalling your past heats. How you would scurry away when you couldn't make your Heat-Fixer on your own, or score any from passing caravans; how you would hide in your secret little cave and masturbate to thoughts of having someone just come and take the edge off for you, you just bend you over and fuck you until your mind didn't come back into logical focus for days after the fact--to fuck you so full you were certain "your" Alpha had bred you as your biological needs shouted that you needed.
Your nails dig into Cooper's back, scratching fresh masks into his pitted and wrinkled skin, the texture of his cock making your head spin even more as you breathed in his own pheromones; Cooper's scent had always comforted you. Somehow, the scent that was not unique in the world today felt unique to him, and only him. Gunpowder, petrichor, and sweet honey bourbon.
You didn't realize just how much you loved and craved to have his scent on you until now; a loud moan slithering out of you as he dragged his tongue up your throat, mouthing your swollen scent gland messily, making your hips stutter against his and your breath hitch into a small sob as his tongue laves over the soft flesh.
"Smell so fuckin' good." Cooper growls, his voice sending vibrations through your sensitive skin as he continues to rut his cock into you. The pitch of his tone makes you whimper in submission, rolling your head to the side to let him have better access as he licked and kissed your throat, moving from one side to the other.
"Fuck--" He panted, driving his hips into your again and again, the sweat on your body making it difficult to get a decent grip on your soft hips. Your scent was driving him insane; he was finding himself wanting to keep his face buried either at your throat or between your legs. If he wasn't so pressed to just fuck you, Cooper would have gladly stayed with his head buried between your legs until he got his fill of you.
However, now that he's had a taste of you, now that he's felt you squeezing and milking his dick for anything he was willing to give you... he wasn't sure he would ever get a fill. Your scent was goddamn maddening to him; it made him hungry in more ways than one. He never realized it before, but now that you were uninhibited by the Fixer, it hit him full-force. And just the mere thought of another Alpha putting their hands on you made him mad with... possession?
He swallowed back a mouthful of saliva, clenching his jaw as he panted hotly in your ear, "Feel so fuckin' good around my cock, babydoll."
You choked for air when you feel his knot almost catch, your orgasm dancing just out of reach; walls clenching around him every time you felt it press against your entrance.
"Please, please..." You begged, running your hand up his back, tracing every deep groove and bit of scarred flesh you could; mapping out every inch you could feel beneath your fingertips.
"N-Need..."
One of his arms was currently bracing himself next to your head, which his other hand pawed at your hip, gripping the sweaty, smooth skin so tight there would likely be bruises in the shape of his handprint that would be visible for days on.
His mouth once again hovered over your scent gland, and you pressed one of your hands to the back of his neck to urge you on; "Please..." You begged once more.
Cooper gave you a look out of the corner of his eye, and as you opened your mouth to plead with him once more, he sunk his teeth directly into your throat. Your moan was so loud, he could almost hear the rush of his blood beneath it as the coppery taste of your blood coated his tongue.
"Fuck!" You sob, grinding your hips against his, your spongy walls throbbing almost painfully as you finally feel him force his knot past that last barrier of resistance; feeling it swell and lock him in place, the sensation finally ripping a mind-numbing orgasm from you.
"Shit, darlin'..." Cooper moaned, breaking his lips from around your scent gland, rutting and grinding into you as much as he could, feeling the simmering heat of his own orgasm finally creeping near that precipice. "Squeezin' me so fuckin' good..."
He leaned back, grabbing your hips in his hands and pulling you against him, staring down at your sweaty and flushed face as your eyes rolled back, your hands clawing desperately at the mattress and ratty blankets beneath you, weakly lifting your hips to try to get him to keep moving.
"Needy little... fuckin'..." Cooper panted, feeling how hard your hot pussy was clenching around his knot. It felt like he was burning up from the inside out, like his blood was boiling inside his veins as his orgasm roiled and crashed through him; hips jerking against yours as his cock twitched, emptying every drop of cum he could fill you with into your waiting and desperate womb.
He ground his teeth as his eyes rolled back and he let the last bits of his climax ebb away.
Cooper let out a long, slow breath, poking down to where your bodies were locked together. Damn, that felt good. It was the best feeling he'd felt in... shit, a very long time. He sighed and pressed his hand down low on your belly, just barely able to feel the outline of himself through your soft skin, muscles and fat.
His gaze slowly slid up your sweaty and twitching body, to the fresh mark he'd left in your throat, and finally to your blissed-out, satisfied face. He knew this state for you was only temporary; once his knot went down, you would be climbing back on top of him for more, wanting to be fucked and bred again and again, despite the face he was 100% positive in the fact that ghouls didn't work like that anymore... But nonetheless you'd be wanting your Alpha to mark you and fuck you again and again until your heat passed you by.
He narrowed his eyes at his own line of thinking. He... wasn't really "your" Alpha now, was he? You were partners, and well, now...
Ah. Shit...
"You alive, darlin'?" Cooper chuckled, pushing aside his line of thinking, to try and focus on the moment instead of his stupid what-ifs.
"Mhmmm..." You answered with a purr, arching you back and stretching, wrapping your legs around his waist once again, opening your stormy eyes to peer up at him, your tongue swiping out at your bottom lip.
"Shit... Give me some time to pull out, you needy little bitch." He chastised with another soft laugh, reaching out to tweak your nipple in reprimand.
Cooper leaned over you, pressing his thumb over your clit, earning a soft whine from you.
"You're gonna be a good girl for me, ain't'cha, babydoll?" He sighed, looking as your face twisted in pleasured agony while he pinched and rolled your clit, feeling how your cunt fluttered around his cock. "C'mon... Answer your Alpha, sweetheart..."
Your eyelids dragged lazily open and you nod, almost jerking your head up and down as a small bit of drool pools at the corner of your swollen lips. "Yes, yes, yes... I'll be a good girl."
Cooper grinned wider, almost predatory in appearance, still tasting you on the tip of his tongue.
"Thaaaaat's right... Now... just lay back and let me take care of ya, babydoll. And once we're done, you 'n I are gonna have a long talk..."
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happy74827 · 10 months
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Bittersweet Blunders
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[Mike Schmidt x Female!Reader]
Synopsis: In what was supposed to be the "perfect date" turns into an absolute dumpster fire of a night. Fortunately for Mike, you couldn't care at all about it.
WC: 4295
Category: Mega Fluff
So it seems that a lot of people like my Mike fics (yay), so I wrote another one because why not. At this point, my entire masterlist will just consist of this man, and I'm 100% here for it. Also, I don't know why fluff is the hardest for me to write, but this is my attempt at a full-on cuteness overload without a drop of angst (I apparently live for the drama), so we'll see how this goes.
『••✎••』
You were a very bubbly, cheerful person. You always thought that it was one of the best qualities that someone could have, and while it wasn't always the case, it always helped you in the past to brighten up anyone's day, as well as the other way around. You were always the life of the party, and you'd always make sure that everyone had a great time whenever you were with them.
It was probably one of the reasons Mike had liked you so much, though it had taken him quite some time to admit it to himself. He didn't want to believe it at first; after all, Mike was usually the guy who kept his feelings in, but as time went on, he couldn't keep denying the fact that he liked your presence and always wanted to be around you.
For him, you were a ray of sunshine in his otherwise very dull life. Sure, Abby had been a joy, and still is, but you... you were just special in a way that Mike couldn't explain. You had a certain quality about you that he couldn't describe, and he's never been able to figure out what it is that made you stand out so much to him. You were the complete opposite of him. His black clothes, your bright smile. His gloominess, your cheerfulness. His silence, your bubbly voice. His abrasive demeanor, your kind words.
Even though you were completely opposite of him in personality, there was one thing that you both shared in common. You were both attracted to each other in a way that you couldn't explain, even to yourself. But it was a feeling that you were sure of, and the fact that you're finally together made you realize why.
When he had started dating you, it had been like the clouds parted for him. The sky cleared up, and everything felt right again. He felt like his life was finally stitching itself back together, and suddenly, he and Abby were a lot closer, too. It was almost like a weight was lifted off of his chest, and he was finally able to breathe again.
Your relationship was very new to him, as you were the first relationship he'd ever had. But now that you were with him, he wouldn't have it any other way. You were just... you. You made him happy in a way that no one else had, and he was determined to make sure that you felt the same way.
Of course, you felt the same way.
For you, Mike was your best friend. He had been the one person who'd been able to make you smile in your worst moments. He was always there when you needed him, and you'd always made sure to do the same thing for him. He was your ray of sunshine despite him not acting much like one. You loved the little things that made him tick, like his strange fascination with coffee and the fact that he always had a blanket in the car with him, just in case he was tired or cold. It made him feel like home to you.
And it was exactly how Mike felt with you, too, obviously for different reasons, of course, but all the same. He loved every single thing about you, no matter what. Your personality, your voice, even the way you walk, he loved every single bit of it. The first time you two had kissed, it was almost as though fireworks were going off all around you both, and Mike could've sworn he heard angels sing as well.
You were a ray of sunshine to him, and now that you were in his life, he couldn't see himself without you. He loved you more than he could say, and he was determined to show that to you, always.
That's why he decided he would take the day off of work to plan out the perfect date for you two. He didn't know exactly what you were into; you always seemed to be good with anything, but he knew he had to try and do something nice. After all, you were worth it. You were the most special person in his life, second to Abby, of course, but special just the same.
So he set off to find you a nice place to have dinner, a thing neither one of you had done since the start of the relationship. You had usually just eaten at his place or gone somewhere that served coffee (somewhere more in Mike's price range), but he wanted something a bit fancier; after all, today was special, and he saved up enough to make it happen. He wanted you to have a nice day out, just like you always did for him whenever he had a bad day.
He eventually found you a place, a fancy Italian restaurant that he thought you would like, and made reservations for a place with a nice view of the sunset, just so you could watch it with him. It was going to be a great night.
Of course, it had been the complete opposite of what Mike had thought it would be. Two hours before the planned evening, the person covering his job for him just had to cancel on him at the last minute, leaving him to panic. He hadn't told you the surprise for the evening at all, so he had to make several, several calls just to find a replacement for his job and then to find a babysitter for Abby. Max... Well, Max wasn't around much anymore, and since you were the usual babysitter for Abby, it took Mike a while to find someone who was available, and even when he did, it took nearly twenty minutes for them to show up.
But he got it fixed and done in good time. His car was a little bit messy, and his "nice" shirt might have been a little wrinkly for the occasion, but to see the smile on your face when you got to his car made it worth it.
"You're wearing a tie," you commented, your face full of surprise as you hopped inside
"What can I say? It was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing," Mike replied, turning the ignition and starting the car. He looked back at you, the smile on your face making his heart flutter just as much as it had the first time he'd laid his eyes on you. "Did I, um... You look great."
You were wearing a very nice dress, something that Mike had always loved on you, and it fit you very well. It was a light pink color, with a flowy skirt and a short-sleeved top, but it complimented you so well that he wondered why he hadn't seen it on you before. It made you look stunning, in his opinion.
"Thanks," you replied. "You look pretty handsome yourself, Mikey."
Oh, how he loved that nickname. It was one of the few things that Mike loved hearing you call him, even if it was in a joking matter. It made him feel special when he heard it, like you were just so happy to be around him that it was just another way of saying so. He smiled as he pulled out of the driveway, the engine rumbling below his feet. "So, you hungry?"
"Oh, yeah," you said, "I could totally eat."
Mike smiled. "Good ‘cause I found us the most amazing Italian restaurant, and I think you'll love it,"
Mike was right, of course. You did love it. The atmosphere was perfect, and the scenery was divine, with the sun setting in the distance and the colors it created splashed across the sky. Mike had even thought ahead to get a table right next to the window to give you the perfect view. Unfortunately, the sight from the entrance was the only view you got to see.
When it got to the hostess, it turned out that they had accidentally given his reservation to a family with four kids, and you and Mike were now stuck in between a large family with several children and the bathroom. The food had already been ordered and delivered to your table, but you didn't even get a chance to start your meal before you heard the sounds of a crying baby. And when you looked up, you were faced with a crying child who seemed to be a year or so younger than Abby, sitting on the table in front of you.
You tried to ignore it at first, hoping that they would fall asleep and stop crying, but the baby didn't seem to be willing to stop any time soon, and it seemed you weren't the only one who was annoyed by it. You glanced over at Mike and you realized that he looked about one second away from punching the baby and throwing it across the restaurant.
You decided to take action before he could do that.
"How's... uh, work going?" You asked, trying to make conversation as you sat up a little bit straighter and began to wipe your fingers clean, preparing yourself for whatever came next.
Mike didn't answer, instead choosing to grunt.
You decided to try and lighten the mood just a little bit. "It can't be that bad. You're still alive."
Just as the words left your mouth, the baby started crying even louder. You looked over at the family that was sitting in front of you and noticed that none of them looked like they were planning to do anything about it. Great parenting
"That baby might not be," he grumbled, not even bothering to keep his voice down anymore. "Even Abby and her tantrums don't make me want to run into traffic, and they're on a whole other level,"
"A crying child is not going to make you run into traffic, Mike," you replied.
"It might," he argued. "I might."
You laughed, shaking your head at the man sitting in front of you. "Have you always been this dramatic?"
Mike was quiet for a moment before shrugging and letting out a sigh. His annoyance allowed you to take a look at his features for a moment, something you hadn't really done for a while. Usually, when you two hung out, he was always so busy that you didn't really get to notice the difference in expression and stance he would usually have, but now that you were finally able to look at him, you noticed a slight change in him. He looked... tired, you'd say. Tired, but at the same time, happier than he usually was. You couldn't exactly tell how he was feeling at the time, probably complete annoyance because of the crying baby, but he did look like he was smiling just a bit more than usual.
And you loved seeing it. You loved seeing him happy, even if it wasn't the happiest situation that you two could've been in. You still wanted to see his smile, and you couldn't help but smile yourself at how happy he looked when he was around you, even with all the surrounding annoyance.
"Do you remember," you began, "when we first started dating? You were so nervous, and you were scared that you were gonna mess it up, and I said to you that there was no way you could ever do that, right?"
"I mean, it's not like you were lying," he shrugged, leaning back against his chair, picking up a glass of water, and taking a small sip. "I was a mess."
"Well, you still are a mess, a hot one but still... you got over it, didn't you?" You smiled.
Mike paused for a moment, placing his glass down on the table again. He was silent before he glanced up at you. His eyes were wide, and he almost looked... stunned. He was definitely surprised.
"It's not rhetorical, Mikey, but I'm going to take that as a yes," you continued.
"That was... that was different," he said.
"Well, yeah, of course it was," you replied. "That was a few months ago. Now it's a crying baby who you believe is ruining your life,"
He rolled his eyes and sighed, clearly annoyed by the whole thing. You knew that he wasn't actually upset; however, if he were, you'd have felt him shift in his seat like he always did when he felt uncomfortable or uncomfortable. But he hadn't moved a single bit. He wasn't even fidgeting. He just sat there and kept staring at you.
Mike never said anything, though, and neither did you. You just kept staring at each other, even when the baby eventually stopped crying. For a moment, there was peace, a sort of silent bliss that you couldn't exactly explain, and then the peace was suddenly ruined again.
Mike had wanted a refill of his drink, and when the waiter returned with a pitcher and many other drinks from various tables, the serving plate somehow made its way down Mike's shirt and all over his clothes, the various liquids from water to alcohol all splattered on his clothes. And Mike? Mike didn't even flinch. He closed his eyes and sighed, gritting his teeth and tensing up a bit, and you saw that he was clenching the sides of his chair with his hands, but otherwise, he didn't make any other movements, no reaction at all. Then, to make matters worse, the baby started crying again.
Mike and you both stared at each other again, your eyes wide and your mouths slightly parted. You knew exactly how Mike was feeling, and you wanted nothing more than to do something about it, but you didn't know what to do.
"Mike, do you—" you began, feeling really bad for him.
"I need to... go to the bathroom," he interrupted you, and you nodded in response. He stood up from his seat, walked around you and the other family, and then headed towards the bathroom. You were left to sit in your seat, staring at the family in front of you as they ate and chatted amongst themselves. You didn't say anything, but you weren't exactly happy with what was happening, either.
You glanced over to the bathroom door, hoping that Mike would come out of there soon so you could ask him if he was okay, but you were unable to leave. The waiter came back a few minutes later with a towel to help Mike clean off the liquid from his clothes, and once he had it in hand, you found the strength to leave your seat and follow Mike into the bathroom.
You didn't step inside, however, instead choosing to lean against the wall by the entrance. The bathroom was a lot emptier than the restaurant was, and it seemed a lot quieter, too, the only sound that you could hear coming from the faucet by the sinks. You stared at the door for a moment, just a moment, before calling out to the man inside.
"Mike, are you okay in there?"
It took Mike a moment to respond to you. "Uh... Yeah. I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine," you replied.
"Well, I am," he replied. He sounded annoyed.
"You don't sound like it," you commented.
"Well, what do you want me to say?"
You paused for a moment, glancing around the room as you thought of a response. You decided to just tell him what was on your mind. "Do you want to leave? We can go."
You heard the bathroom door open, and Mike stepped out from it, standing in front of you, his eyes staring straight at your own. He was soaked despite all the paper towels he must've used to dry himself off. You handed him the small towel you'd been handed, and he took it from you with a small nod. He ran it through his shirt and thighs for a moment before looking at you.
"You sure?" He asked with a pinch of hesitation in his voice. He looked nervous. No, he didn't look nervous. He looked... guilty. His eyes were sad, and he seemed worried about something. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't find the right words.
You had a feeling what was going on in his mind, so you just took the lead for him. With a smile, you both returned to your seat momentarily to pay the bill and tip the waiter before making your way out to the parking lot. You climbed into the car, and Mike started the engine. He still had a very noticeable frown on his face as he turned to you.
"It looks like it's going to be a great night," he sighed, letting out a heavy sigh. His eyes shifted upwards to the clouds, and you noticed the very visible storm that was brewing in them. "Sorry. I guess I just... It didn't go the way I thought it would."
"It's still early," you replied, placing your hand over his. He looked back at you with wide eyes, clearly not expecting you to be as calm as you were. You smiled at him, squeezing his hand gently. "And I have the perfect idea of what we could do."
He raised a brow at you, his eyes suddenly looking curious. The frown was gone now and replaced with a small, barely visible smile. You had to resist the urge to hug him right then and there.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"You'll find out when we get there," you whispered and smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. "Just listen to my directions. I'll be your personal navigator."
Your navigator skills were definitely off the charts that night, and even you were surprised you didn't get lost. You made some accidental wrong turns and had to double back once or twice, but other than that, you were able to get you and Mike to your destination just fine. The night sky was still covered with clouds, and there was a very faint sound of thunder in the distance, but you figured you had at least a good hour or so.
The view, though. You couldn't have picked a better spot to have. There was a tree right next to a small, grassy hill that you sat at, the only place where Mike and you could be comfortable while you stared up at the sky. You had Mike's emergency blanket, and he had his hoodie (that might have smelt like utter hell, but he refused to wear anything else after the incident earlier that night), and the stars. It was like the clouds had separated just to show you the beauty of the night sky, and the two of you were lucky enough to witness it. The sun was long gone, and the moon was peeking out from behind the clouds, its bright glow casting a shimmering reflection onto the grass below. It was a moment that you'd never forget.
"How's the date going so far now?" You asked Mike with a smile as you sat next to him. "Think this is an improvement?"
Mike shrugged. "Maybe I should stop planning the dates, and let you plan them from now on."
You smiled at him. "I like it when you plan the dates, Mike."
He frowned for a moment, but the look on his face suggested otherwise. "Really? Because there had been not one good one in the past... I dunno, two years? Even when we were still trying to work out the friendship to the relationship thing."
You shrugged, moving closer to him. "What can I say? I like the surprises, and you never were that spontaneous on your own."
"Is that what you like about me?" He asked. "My non-spontaneity?"
You glanced up at him, smiling as you took in his features again. You loved looking at him. He was handsome. And you loved the look in his eyes. They were filled with adoration, and they were looking straight into yours. He leaned down a bit and pressed a kiss to your forehead.
"You have other qualities, too," you replied. “Good ones.”
"Like what?" He asked, his lips ghosting over your skin as he spoke.
"You make a great cup of coffee," you began, letting out a small giggle as he continued to kiss your forehead, moving slowly down towards your jaw. "And you're good at taking care of Abby. You can be funny if you try hard enough, and you're really cute when you smile."
Mike moved down towards your ear, gently nibbling on the lobe. His breath fanned over your skin, and you couldn't help but lean into him just a little. His hand slipped under your chin and gently pulled your head up, forcing your lips to meet with his in a soft kiss.
The first kiss was always special, in Mike's opinion. You were always so soft, so gentle, but also so firm, so loving. It was one of his favorite feelings, and he was so lucky to have you in his life, he couldn't believe it.
When you pulled away from the kiss, you didn't move too far away from him, resting your head against his shoulder instead. You closed your eyes and let out a sigh of contentment, and he leaned his head against yours, his hand resting gently on your knee as you both gazed at the moonlit sky.
"Mikey?" You asked after a moment, your voice soft and gentle as you spoke. You felt his head move in response, and you felt him take in a deep breath.
"Yeah?" He asked.
You looked up at him, smiling as you did. "I think this is our best one yet."
He didn't say anything for a moment. He stared down at you with his usual blank expression, but after a few seconds, the corners of his lips quirked up, and he was finally able to break out into a smile, one that was so much brighter than the one that he had earlier.
He kissed you again, and you couldn't help but melt into the kiss. Your hands went to his shoulders, and his hands wrapped themselves around your waist as he pulled you closer to him. You never wanted to leave his side.
You loss track of time from there. You both were lost in the moment, in the stars, in the blanket, in each other, and before either of you knew it, you felt the slight raindrops pelt against your skin, and the wind was growing stronger. Your hair whipped in front of your face, and smacked Mike in the cheek, but he didn't seem to care much, too caught up in kissing you.
You eventually pulled away, looking at the man in front of you. "We should... we should get going. You brought the umbrella, right?”
“Yeah, it’s right here," Mike nodded, grabbing it from the other end of the blanket and placing it above the two of you as the raindrops grew heavier. The thunder was louder now, but you and Mike were far too engrossed with each other to really notice it.
At least, not until tragedy struck when he went to pull up the blanket. One big strum of thunder and a burst of wind from above caused Mike to lose his grip on the umbrella, which went flying through the air and out of his grasp. You both watched it as it soared in the air, almost like you were in a daze, and then you realized the horrible thing that had happened.
The umbrella was gone. You and Mike were in the rain, and there was nothing around you to provide you any sort of protection from the downpour. The blanket was soaked within seconds, as were the two of you.
Well, technically, Mike already was.
Mike's smile had disappeared from his face when the umbrella had flown away, and now his frown had returned, only this time, it was quite humorous. He was absolutely dumbstruck, and he was just staring at the umbrella as it flew away into the night. You tried to hold back your laughter, but it was difficult, especially with the look on Mike's face.
“Great. Just great," he grumbled, grabbing your arm while making his way back towards the car. "That's just the icing on the cake."
“It’s like we’re in a rom-com," you commented as you followed him, laughing even more. "You're the oblivious man, I'm the funny girl who helps you figure out your feelings. It’s the climax of the movie, we're both drenched, and then we kiss in the rain,"
Mike glared at you, but the look was not genuine. You could tell, and it only made you laugh even more. "Yeah, yeah, let's just get to the car."
The two of you ran towards the car, and Mike jumped inside the driver's seat. You quickly got into the passenger's side before the door shut closed, and you let out a sigh of relief. You took a moment to catch your breath, and then you turned to Mike, a smile playing on your lips.
“Just so you know, those are my favorite type of rom-coms.”
Mike rolled his eyes. "And just so you know, I hate rom-coms."
You leaned over to kiss his cheek, letting out a soft giggle. "Better buckle up then, Romeo. After we find a towel and get home, we're watching the best rom-com of all time."
He rolled his eyes again, but you could tell that the small smile on his lips was genuine this time. "Let's just go before the car floods,"
You smiled, leaning back in your seat. "Sounds good, honey.”
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radioisntdead · 4 months
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Hey could I request a scenario where the reader is Alastor's niece and the vees have a crush and alastor's reaction to finding out as well as the Vees. Honeslty if you have it where he beats up basically goes ha no for Vals part and beats him up I'd love that
Good evening my dear after writing I'm realizing you may have meant for them to be separate categories but I went love square [???]
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Warnings!!
Valentino, the Vee's being weird, OOC, Vox being a voyeuristic creep, reader has deer features
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You know after aiding your favorite [and only] uncle in murder and falling to hell while your mother and grandma ascended above, having a trio of overlords falling head over heels for you was NOT on your bingo card.
You didn't notice them having a crush on you until Auntie Rosie pointed it out when Velvette had a large shipment of not only clothing mailed to you but with flowers, Vox had sent electronics and more flowers [that Alastor would have such joy destroying] and Valentino had sent you erotica.
Classy.
Velvette would be the most aggressive in getting your attention, she probably also has the biggest chance to win over your affections, shoving people out of the way to talk to you, affectionately calling you things, giving you a new woredrob every other week, flowers, personally inviting you to her fashion shows and giving you VIP seating.
Vox watches you, I imagine you at least have a phone probably not Voxtech though so I imagine it's probably slightly harder to watch you through that, but with drones and other devices he watches, probably calls you something like Doe-eyes or Dollface, he's called you mini Alastor a couple of times which you did NOT APPRECIATE, once he realizes that Alastor keeps destroying the technology he sends you he switches to flowers, with cameras in them, he sometimes teleports through them and is often met with you swinging something at him and breaking his screen, unfortunately for you he's into that.
Valentino, arguably the WORST one to have pinning over you, dude manages to pop out at the worst times offering to make you a star, asking you to warm his bedroom, uncomfortably leaning in and touching you.
You ripped off his antenna.
The three of them bicker over you in private.
Now after you figured out WHY they were sending you shit and giving you special privileges you immediately snitched to Uncle Alastor because you did NOT want to deal with the whole dumpster fire that was the Vees.
Now Alastor wasn't naive about the Vee's... Affections towards you, again they sent you a concerning amount of things, but he didn't do anything because you're an adult and you can make your own decisions.
But when you come to him saying that Valentino sent you erotica and made you uncomfortable?
Well you are his one and only niece! The only family he has down here! The least he can do is squish a little purple moth for you!
You wonder if restraining orders were a thing in hell and if they'd work.
Now the TV guy and fashionista surprisingly were NOT completely thrown off by their buddy's screams getting absolutely blasted on Alastor's radio broadcast, they kept their simping to a more low-key level with only flowers getting shipped to you from Velvette and weird love emails from Vox.
Vox for some reason thinks asking Alastor for your hand in MARRIAGE, was a good idea.
It was NOT.
He's lucky he didn't meet the same fate as Valentino.
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Maybe one day you'd choose one of the remaining Vee's or both if you're into that, or maybe neither.
But for now you'd use their infatuation with you to your advantage.
Good evening folks! I hope you enjoyed and I think it's probably obvious at this point that Velvette is my favorite out of the Vee's.
Am I ever going to write a fic where Valentino isn't injured or straight up dead in some way? No, no I'm not.
Anyways as always thank you for tuning in!
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alex-guerin · 3 months
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I would pay money, probably even a decent amount of money, to see someone ask Trump if he's seen Goncharov (1973, directed by Martin Scorsese) and if he thinks it's a good metaphor for the current economical and political upheaval of the USA.
Just to watch him lie through his fucking teeth about what a great movie it is. How great a director Scorsese is. How he had a very in-depth conversation with him shortly after its release back in 1973. How Scorsese told him it would become a great depiction of our country in 30, 40 years. How Scorsese wanted Trump to play Goncharov (or as he would probably say, "Gonachevic, GoGoneChevy, Gonochek, Banana Bread, whale..."), but Trump turned him down because he didn't want to be an actor at that time and what a fool he was cuz it made so much money in the box office. All the money. Every last cent. And that it is absolutely a perfect depiction of the decline of our country until Goncharov saves the day, which is what he is going to do.
And watch all his supporters go nuts and Emperor's New Clothes the shit out of it, claiming they all saw it when it was first released, and oh Trump is absolutely just like Goncharov, and what a great representation it is. And then watch the dumpster fire when it's revealed it's a fake movie and DJT just lied like a Persian rug and we can prove it.
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bratzforchris · 4 months
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Inked Daisies (Chapter 5)
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Summary: For the past year, you've been running the flower shop that's next door to your friend, Matt's, tattoo studio. But what happens when the feelings start to get more than friendly?
Read Chapter 4 here
Pairing: Tattoo artist!Matt x floristfem!reader
Warnings: Making out, suggestive acts and mentions (no actual smut), heartbreak, mentions of needles (piercing)
Word Count: 1.9k
A/N: I'm sincerely sorry for the shitshow, dumpster fire from hell that this story is about to become 😇 Enjoy!
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“How much would it cost me to get my nose pierced?” You asked Matt, spinning around in the spinny chair behind the counter of ThreeSixty Tattoo. “Do I get a friends and family discount?”
It had been a little over a month since the incident. Your relationship with Matt had been toeing the line consistently between friends and more. After the fight, you two had become closer, with you realizing that there was more to Matt than he let on, and with him realizing that he felt an almost magnetic pull to you. 
“Depends on how well you behave.” Matt didn’t tear his eyes from the design he was working on. 
“Will you pierce it now?” You wondered hopefully. 
Matt finally looked up, running a hand across his stubbled jaw as he looked at you. “Are you sure you want that?”
“Yes!” You leaped up out of the chair, heading over to the glass case that held the body jewelry and poring over the small, diamond studs. 
Matt shook his head with a chuckle, cursing the way the butterflies in his gut took flight at your cuteness. Your spontaneity was absolutely insane to him, but he was drawn to it. Despite his tattoos, nose ring, and six ear piercings, Matt was a rather indecisive person. He debated whether or not he wanted the tattoo or piercing for months. 
You pointed to a piece of jewelry inside the case. “I want that one.”
Before Matt could respond, you had crossed the room and sat yourself in one of the piercing chairs. The brunette wanted to argue, to say that maybe having someone you knew do your piercing wasn't a good idea, but he couldn’t find it in him to argue back. The light shining in your eyes, along with your small, happy dances as you waited were enough to get him to go to the ends of the earth for you. He shook his head, pulling out jewelry and carefully setting everything on a plastic tray, the way he would for any clients’ piercing. It was just because you were one of his best friends, he tried telling himself. That’s why he was giving you a spur of the moment piercing at eight pm on a Monday night. The only difference with this one was that there was no way he could fuck this one up. 
“What made you decide you randomly wanted your nose pierced?” Matt asked you, snapping on a pair of latex gloves. 
“Can I not just wanna be like my best friend?” You pouted adorably, looking up at him through your lashes. 
The blue-eyed boy gulped, trying to fight the blush creeping up his neck. “Who? Nick?”
“No silly,” You rolled your eyes, poking his stomach softly. “You.”
“I’m not your best friend.” he mumbled, wiping the skin around the piercing site with an alcohol pad. 
“But you are,” You insisted. “You really don’t give yourself enough credit, Matt.”
The brunette hummed, removing the piercing needle from the packaging and looking down at you. “Ready?”
You nodded eagerly, eyes carefully following Matt’s hand. He gave you a quick ‘1, 2, 3’ countdown, before expertly piercing your nose. You were surprised at how gentle Matt’s touch was, compared to the other piercers you’d had for your ear piercings in the past. Not to mention the fact that his light, gentle touch was a rather stark contrast to his gruff looks and demeanor. Before you knew it, Matt had inserted the jewelry and was handing you a hand mirror. 
“So, what do you think?”
“I think…” You smiled, turning your head from side-to-side and watching the way the small, diamond stud caught the light. “I think…I love it!” You squealed. 
Without thinking, you had thrown your arms around Matt’s neck, hugging him tightly. The brunette stumbled backwards slightly, shocking himself when his arms wrapped around your lower back tightly so you wouldn’t fall. 
“You really like it that much?” he asked, a shy smile on his face as he looked down into your eyes. 
“It looks perfect.” You hummed, a giggle escaping you. 
Matt didn’t know what possessed him to do it. Maybe it was the fact that all he had thought about since the fight that night was how much he longed to protect you. Or maybe it was the cute, overjoyed smile on your face at something as simple as a piercing. But really, he knew it went back further than that. It went back to the first time Chris had brought you home. He had been captivated by you; the way you were the exact opposite of himself in the best way possible, save for the way you also struggled to sleep, bringing the two of you together through art. 
Without thinking, Matt leaned down and kissed you. It was a kiss that held years’ worth of longing. The way that you didn’t even act surprised told Matt everything he needed to know. There had been so many signs leading up to the tension between you two, and until now, it was just a matter of who was going to break it first. 
As your legs wrapped around his waist, Matt cheekily slipped his hands under your ass, eliciting a moan from you. The blue-eyed boy used this as leverage to slip his tongue into your own mouth, meeting yours as a soft ‘hello’, rather than fighting for dominance. Your hands tangled in the soft curls at the nape of Matt’s neck as he kissed you, trying to show him all of the feelings you had been hiding (and denying) for so long. 
The brunette backed up against one of the piercing chairs, sitting down with you in his lap. “That was…wow,” he whispered. “I hope that was…what you wanted?” he asked sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck as a blush crept up his face. 
“Shhhh,” You pressed a finger to Matt’s lips. “Less talking, more kissing. We have about eight years of romantic tension to catch up with.”
Matt chuckled at how bubbly you were, even in a moment like this. You never failed to speak your mind, and that was what drew him to you. You were just authentically you. “Mmmm, I better get to work, then.”
And with that, Matt’s kisses took off in a new direction. Gone were the sweet, gentle, and slightly unsure gestures from just a moment prior. Matt began to devour you like a man starved, sloppy, wet sounds echoing around the tattoo studio as he made out with you. The only pauses in his kissing were to slide his hands up under the silk of your pink blouse, blue eyes meeting your own. 
“Goddamn,” he whispered. “I love that nose piercing. Always gonna have a reminder that I did that, huh?”
You nodded, shifting yourself on his lap, which only drew a small whimper out of you. Matt chuckled, pulling you closer to himself and beginning to kiss you again, hands fiddling with the clasp of your bra. Both of you were so caught up in the moment, in the makeout, in each other that you didn’t hear the small bell above the shop’s door ring, oblivious to the person behind you. 
“...am I interrupting something?” Chris asked with an awkward cough. 
If it was possible for a human’s face to show every emotion, the youngest triplet at that moment would’ve been the perfect example. He looked smaller than normal, dejectedly holding a takeout bag from the local Greek restaurant down the street. Everything from shock to anger was clear on his face as he stood there. 
“Shit,” You cursed at the same time that Matt murmured a rushed “fuck”. You quickly moved off of each other, awkwardly adjusting your clothes and fighting both of your blushes. “It’s not what it looks like…” You suggested in a manner that seemed like a terrible lie. 
“No. I got what it looks like,” Chris dropped the bag onto the reception desk with a thud. “How long have you two been linking up behind me and Nick’s back?”
You gulped, the thought of what you and Matt making out could do to your friend group just now crossing your mind. Matt stepped forward, arms crossed over his chest, looking Chris up and down. 
“That was the first time, bro. I swear. We didn’t even…y’know. Why the fuck do you care anyway?”
“Why do I care?” Chris asked, a sarcastic sneer on his face. “Oh gee, I dunno, Matt! Maybe because I just found you essentially tongue fucking my best friend?”
“I wasn’t tongue fucking her!” Matt shot back. “We kissed, Chris. Stop being dramatic.”
Without another word, Chris turned on his heel, slamming the shop door behind him. You and Matt were both frozen in place, the events of the last fifteen minutes entirely too much to process. Never, in all your years of friendship, had either of you seen Chris truly angry. There had been times where his temper got the best of him, or where he would act angry towards his brothers for fun, but there was never a moment where he was anything less than bubbly. 
“I should probably go…” You mumbled, digging your bus pass out of your tote bag to avoid meeting Matt’s eyes. 
“Yeah…” Matt had turned his back to you, cleaning up the mess from your earlier piercing to keep his hands busy and his emotions at bay. 
Normally, it would’ve taken you at least fifteen minutes to say goodbye to your friends, whether or not they were with their brothers. This time though, you immediately fled the shop, heading towards the bus station on the corner. You should’ve thought about the consequences of kissing your best friend’s brother in a public area, especially when said friend had 24/7 access to that area. You should’ve kept your feelings for Matt shoved down in the dark pit of your emotions where they belonged. 
You watched as Matt’s sleek, black car drove past the bus stop. The driver’s side window rolled down and Matt slowed to a stop, like he wanted to say something, but nevertheless, he shook his head, rolled up the window, and peeled off down the street. You didn’t even want to think about the damage that the past 45 minutes had caused to not only your friendship with Chris, but with the other two triplets as well. The bus pulled up your stop, and just like every other night, you were the sole passenger at this one. You sat down in a seat near the back, sliding your headphones on and leaning back against the headrest. Maybe if you closed your eyes hard enough and let your music sweep you away, all of this would just disappear into a far-off dream. 
You would talk to Chris eventually. You knew that stumbling in on you and Matt making out when he had just stopped by to deliver dinner was not the ideal way to find out that your brother and your best friend had feelings for each other. You wouldn’t lose him, not like this. That boy had been there for you more than anyone you had ever known. From your parents' rather messy divorce to your dreams of starting your own flower shop, Chris had been there for you. He was your biggest supporter, cheerleader, and fan of all time. 
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tags ♡:  @jake-and-johnnies-slut @chrissfavwh3re @suyqa @chrissturnswife @mbsbaby @herxysc-blog @lovingchrissposts @caffeinatedscorpio @spencereidenthusiast @crazychrisl0v3r @sturnioloxlver @whicked-hazlatwhore @blahbel668 @sturncakez @junnniiieee07 @biggesthat3r @sturniolowhore @patscorner @julesgrl @0strawberrysorbet0 @strombolilovr @matt444nixi @remussbitch @devthepoet1221 @mattyblover07 @loisnotaa @mollyquinnxoxo @graysturns @pepsicolapussy333 @ginswife @emmagirouard @athaliahxoxo @bitchydragonparadise @ilydeaky @soggyslugg169 @m00n-0n-paws @books0fever @stingerayyy2 @sunsetsturniolos @mimi-luvzyu @raysmayhem-72 @faygo-frog @oobleoob @billsslutt @aemrsy
note ♡: my taglist is now closed<3 thank you all so much for your support!!
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Who is Vegetta?
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Had to wait until my hands stopped shaking for this one, I love Vegetta so much. He was recently — miraculously — announced for the QSMP, so here's a rundown for English fans of both who he is and his lore. 
Vegetta777 is a Spanish Youtuber who is one of, if not THE biggest pillar of the Spanish community. He's been doing content for over 15 years now.
He's the creator of the Karmaland series, which he started when he was around Quackity's age.
I cannot emphasize enough: Vegetta doesn't do series or events or tournaments EVER, so him accepting the invitation is a huge deal. This was his exact commentary on it:
Vegetta: Quackity me invitó hace tiempo y le dije que no suelo entrar a series que yo puedo controlar, pero le he dado ese voto de confianza, además le pregunté como sería la serie porque no quería nada competitivo y quackity me dijo que no me preocupara por nada. [...] Si yo confíe en quackity y él confío en mi para Karmaland pues yo le doy ese voto de confianza para esta serie que está haciendo y además se le veía emocionado al chaval, si te soy sincero, Quackity el hijo de Rubius de cierto modo Translation: Quackity invited me a while ago and I told him that I don't usually enter series that I can't control, but I have given him that vote of confidence, I also asked him how the series would be because I didn't want anything competitive, and Quackity told me not to worry about anything (does this confirm QSMP is an RP server? 🤔) [...] If I trust Quackity and he trusts me for Karmaland, well, I give him that vote of confidence for this series he's doing. And also the boy looked excited, if I'm honest, Quackity's the son of Rubius in a certain way. (🥺💕)
Vegetta is very fond of Quackity after interacting with him in Karmaland 5, and he's spoken multiple times about how much Quackity's impressed him. He also said Quackity will be bigger than him someday :') He's very supportive of the new generation, and he spoke highly of Spreen today too.
Vegetta is one of the most talented Minecraft builders out there, and he's fast
While most of the other Karmaland boys were still living in basic houses, Vegetta built a CASTLE within a super short time
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Vegetta loves cats. In Karmaland he had an entire cat rescue with 50+ cats (and yes, he’s named every single one of them). IRL, he shares lots of adorable cat photos and videos. 
His skin, like his name, is based on the Dragon Ball character Vegeta. Vegetta777 is basically the yassified version of Vegeta (just like Phil is the yassified version of Uruhara).
In Karmaland 5, Vegetta was a bit of a wizard, and he had a flock of crows / ravens (remind you of anyone?) 
Vegetta is sometimes called "the father of Minecraft", so many people (myself included) are ESPECIALLY excited to see him and Phil interact because they have a lot of similarities.
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Vegetta is one of the heroes of Karmaland and the unofficial leader of their group. In terms of lore, he's essentially a demigod / minor god, though it's not as direct as Sapo  Peta's contact with them.
Vegetta is typically a staunch rule-follower, however, since he's not in control of the series, he said: "I feel like Rubius: 'Let's see what I can do to destroy everything, let's look for all the legal loopholes,' get ready Quackity, I'm the new Rubius!" (LMAO)
Vegetta’s the king of “stay in your own lane” he never gets into drama or gets involved in controversies, he just watches the dumpster fires from the sidelines like the rest of us
He almost never wears a shirt in the series (and honestly? Good for him)
His character is also, canonically, absolutely shredded
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It's impossible to talk about Vegetta's lore without also talking about Rubius, so buckle in because this one's a doozy. I can't cover everything without this post becoming longer than it already is, but I'll do my best to summarize what I can:
Starting with Karmaland 4 and continuing into Karmaland 5 and beyond, Rubius and Vegetta have created the world's most torturous slow-burn telenovela-esque love story.
Rubegetta (Rubius x Vegetta) is the most popular Karmaland ship that, to some extent, has become an inside joke between the boys and the community. I'll elaborate on this more in Rubius' post.
To simplify years and years of lore and drama, Rubius and Vegetta love each other, but they are incapable of being in an actual relationship. I've talked about it in depth before, but Vegetta said it best in this metaphor-filled exchange with Sapo Peta and Willy: Sapo Peta: I wanted to ask you about your relationship with that Rubius guy. Vegetta: Oh, yes well Rubius likes to be with me a lot, but at the same time he likes to snack everywhere, and he never finishes eating the morcilla (blood sausage). Sapo Peta: So he rejects you? Vegetta: It's not that he rejects me, it's that it doesn't finish clearing up, you know? We could say that our relationship is like a hamburger. WiIIy: You prepare it and he doesn't eat it. Vegetta: Exactly, he doesn't finish you know?
Or, as another person phrased it:
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The fault doesn't just lie with Rubius however; Vegetta himself can be pretty oblivious.
In Karmaland 4, despite the fact Rubius and Vegetta had a kid together and got married, it still didn't resolve anything. As soon as the vows were said and they were married, Rubius revealed it was all just a ploy to get Vegetta's diamonds and immediately asked for a divorce.
You can watch a translated animation of the entire wedding here.
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In Karmaland 5, after deciding he'd had enough of Rubius' BS, Vegetta decided to marry someone else (Lolito), but Rubius burst in at the last moment to stop the wedding. We all thought he'd finally confess his love and stop being so emotionally constipated, but instead he proposed to Lolito solely so Vegetta would remain single. (They're a mess, what can I say)
To quote a meme shared by another Spanish fan, Vegetta's reaction to that was basically: “You don’t want me to be with you, and you don’t want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be for you to be happy?”
I do want to emphasize that even though Rubius and Vegetta sometimes have relationship issues / communication issues, it doesn’t diminish their friendship in the slightest. Even after both wedding disasters, they were back to speaking to each other the next week, being flirty and laughing together. Yes, they have issues, but their love for each other remains – despite everything.
(I should also note here that, even while engaged to Lolito, Vegetta was still flirty with Rubius).
Vegetta is very close friends with Luzu, who supported him during the fallout from both failed marriages.
In Karmaland 4, Rubius and Vegetta had a son named Brayan Dobluque (a mix of both their names).
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There's too much Rubegetta lore for me to cover everything, but Glay has a massive thread of translated Rubegetta clips I highly recommend watching if you'd like more context.
One clip I recommend is the Meteor date, which is one of the few instances where Rubius is honest vis-à-vis his emotions with Vegetta.
As a whole, their friendship / relationship is a romcom novela for sure, but sometimes they'll catch you off-guard with some romantic BS that'll make your heart ache. They really do love each other; they just don't know how to commit.
Vegetta is bi! (Both real life Vegetta and character Vegetta). Pretty much every single character in Karmaland is on the ‘ol rainbow spectrum somewhere.
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Lore aside, I feel like Vegetta, and pretty much all the Karmaland boys in general, have the least machismo (toxic masculinity) I've ever seen. They're all genuinely sweet guys who aren't afraid to be flirty and play gay characters in their queer little telenovela Minecraft series. (With the exception of Willy, who we like to joke is the "token straight friend"). Vegetta's a cool guy, and he's a great addition to the QSMP. I'm excited for you all to meet him!
Other info posts:
Who is Sapo Peta? | Who is Luzu? | Who is Spreen?
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butchtwinkimp · 5 months
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being a lesbian who ISNT an exclusionist (meaning mspec lesbians and trans(men) lesbians dont bother me) is NOT for the weak. Specifically when you identify w “controversial” identities too. Im not a binary trans man but I personally know 1 irl trans man who is a lesbian and plenty online and i have spoked w them and ultimately related more to their experiences than I do to cis lesbians (for context I am a transmasculine nonbinary lesbian) idk it was just so easy for me to understand where they were coming from and understand why they would want to identify that way, and personally i identify with terms like “boydyke” and “lesboy” and its so crazy to see all the online drama over these terms… and its so hard to find online lesbian spaces where I feel ..safe?? Tiktok is an absolute dumpster fire. Most of the lesbian reddits are super terfy, even towards trans women and fems, god forbid you mention you are transmasculine youll get downvoted to hell. Even on r/butchlesbians!!! I got banned for trying to explain why a binary trans man who lived his life as a butch woman for 25+ years, whose friends are all lesbians, whose wife is a lesbian, *MIGHT* still identify as a lesbian/with the lesbian community. And literally every other post on that sub is people questioning their gender confused whether they are butch or ftm or both! So idfk! Im tired of being called transphobic and lesbophobic for being transgender and a lesbian!! What the fuck!! I tried joining some facebook groups and the ones in my area literally either specify cis lesbians only or one of them literally had a questioneer asking if you think trans men are men and therefore cant be lesbians or if youre a disgusting terf that thinks all trans men are lesbian. Like… whatever happened to nuance..
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seat-safety-switch · 1 month
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So many of my friends love to go camping. In "camping," you take your car somewhere else and then sleep there for the night. This is basically what I do anyway – but their cars run properly when they get there. Me, I just throw a tent out of the trunk and sleep through the wee hours when the thing decides it's not going to keep chooching.
Envy is the real demon, though. Just as I started getting comfortable with my humble little tent, I visited a modern camping store. I was only in there because I wanted to see if they had a little stove or something for me to reheat a frozen oil-pan with, but then they hit me with the sales job. Camping with glamour. I could buy this solar panel, and this inverter, and these television sets, and put all this expensive stuff in a van, and live off the land. No need to ever buy a house again, which is good, because I won't have any money left after purchasing an eighty thousand dollar van.
"So you'll want two of the Toto Washlets," expressed the salesperson, almost gleeful in her anticipation of my luxury-grade shitting inside my luxury pseudo-motorhome.
All of this was very tempting, for the same reason that we have fantasies of being astronauts. Getting some distance on all of our problems, having a chance to sit and think by ourselves without the constant buzzing and hissing of Civilization Itself in our ears. That's what I liked about my shitty little tent in the first place, but I could only stay there for so long before the cops started asking questions about the car whose transmission is currently on fire in the parking lot. Plus, I would miss charging my phone, which would keep me from buying more shitty cars.
Ultimately, I realized with a start, the only true freedom is not having a job. And shitty cars helped liberate me from that obligation, many years ago, when I didn't show up for work because I was sleeping next to a disused horse arena in rural Saskatchewan after my differential exploded.
Sadly, the vanlife dream came to an end. Just like in many previous sales interactions, she soon found that I had absolutely no money and made security kick my ass out in the parking lot. It's not all bad, though: when I woke up, I found that the dumpster of the camping store contained a perfectly good, if slightly stained, sleeping bag. Now I'll be resting in the lap of luxury the next time I get stranded in the middle of nowhere.
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