#it’s not that it’s hard but i’m required to get soo much work in such a short amount of time the timeline is crazy

[reblogalanaartdream]

If you want to see animation flim but can’t afford it and you’re in a hard place

Or live in part of the world that flim will never air?

Ok I get it go pirate that movie 🍿

If it’s a Disney Disney animated movie

Yeah go pirate that flim they can afford a lost and they’re not always known for treating their creators and animators well (( find ways to go support their creators and animators and artists wherever you can please))

But if you can afford to pay to see your animated movies and you want them to do well and you know maybe keep on going you better NOT be the asshat who pirates that animated flim

You go watch it in theatres and buy the dvds for it

Do NOT be a cheap if you can afford it

Because unlike Disney

Animated companies like Sony; Studio Ghibli and Dreamworks had to work sooo long and soo hard

Against Disney just to get to where they are today

Heck once Pixar was against Disney but then being as 3d animation costs a hold lot more to make than 2d and requires a hold lot more people to make they nearly went bust but the Disney bought them and Disney had less competition

Also dreamworks started being as Disney didn’t want to invest money into 3D animation after how much it cost to pay 3d animation & animators for treasure planet movie and their piss off the animators so bad they got together a team of their own and started dreamworks animation team away from Disney to compete with them

Also if you’re saying oh but dreamworks a big animated movie company now

Let me remind you of the movie

Rise of the guardians

The one with the Jack Frost character so many of you like to ship with Disney’s frozen Elsa character

Do you know even though it was such great well received movie it couldn’t get it’s story continued

In fact it’s 2nd movie got canceled

As you see here it didn’t make it to getting more movies 🍿

Because not enough people went to go see it

It was the most pirated movie when it came out

It didn’t make the gross it needed to prove people would watch it’s story to continue so it got canceled

Shrek

Kun fu panda

How to train your dragon those movies got the funding it needed for their stories to continue but never rise of the guardians

Dreamworks isn’t Disney they cannot afford to keep doing stories that will not make profit

Disney can afford to lose to dreamworks

But Studio Ghibli and dreamworks can’t lose to Disney

So when studio ghibli and dreamworks make an animated film and you can afford to go see it and to get the dvds please don’t pirate it

There’s a hold team of animators / writers and artists working on their movies who you are stealing work from when you pirate animated films

Plus someone needs to go against Disney

Disney needs to be taken down a few pegs

Because Disney has taken awards it didn’t deserve to get when they should’ve gone to studio ghibli and dreamworks as well

Heck man I know Sofie from howl’s moving castle

And Branch & poppy from trolls

Would want you to be more supportive of animated films (( within reason))

I just don’t want what happened to rise of the guardians to happened to any other animated flim that isn’t Disney one

Don’t let Disney keep on winning it doesn’t deserve it

Look I get it if you cannot afford or movie not available where you are I’m not attacking you

I’m mad at those who can afford it that pirate

Animated films (( wish they did it more to Disney films to be honest; because Disney can afford it let’s be honest here; plus Disney has a lot of dark history on not treating their writers/ animators/ artists/ actors all that great that people seem to ignore because oh it’s *Disney* witch isn’t ok for Disney to keep getting away with))

Look if you can’t afford it or it’s not available to you or you don’t have the time or just waiting for the dvd

Of it to come out cool

But please if you can afford it please go see the movie and not pirate it (or get it when it’s on dvd)

Just don’t do Disney a favour by stealing from studio ghibli / dreamworks thank you

[ch3ri-ch3ri-lady]

one thing i’m super curious for in s2 of iwtv is how they’re going to handle the character of madeleine.

in the novel and 1994 movie, claudia forced louis to make madeleine to become her new adoptive mother-this was (along with other reasons) because in order to have any semblance of a life, claudia quite literally NEEDED an adult vampire. At age 5 (book) or 11 (movie), you literally can’t DO anything independently-rent an apartment, live on your own, travel on your own, etc. in a way, madeleine was almost more of claudia’s glorified servant/chauffeur, as she resented fulfilling the role of daughter and longed for adulthood/independence more than anything else. madeleine was a necessity.

madeleine’s personality was also perfect for claudia’s needs. she was a woman driven mad with grief and obsessed with children, she would mindlessly do anything for claudia in a heartbeat and the idea of spending an eternity with an immortal, never-ageing and never-dying daughter was a dream come true for her. of COURSE she’d become her vampire companion (*cough* servant). plus, the added factor that she was a dollmaker and could tailor any clothes/objects to claudia’s child size was definitely an added bonus (like in her miniature adult room, she could dress up in the clothes and pretend at the lifestyle she was always deprived of behind the safety of closed doors. she also really is lestat’s mini me lol and has his eye/appreciation for the finer things and materialism, as opposed to sweaters-eaten-by-moths dad louis)

however, amc claudia is 14, an astronomically different age independence wise compared to 5 or even 11. it’s established in s1 that with some clothes and makeup she can somewhat successfully pass as older, and she was able to live relatively functionally on her own during her era away from louis and lestat. unlike her book/movie counterpart, she doesn’t REQUIRE a physically adult presence in her life. instead we see there is a much greater emphasis on her love life (ex: charlie) and desire for emotional companionship. also, she COMPLETELY resents her status as a “daughter”, switching to referring to louis and lestat as her brothers because she wants to remove herself from that dynamic completely. narratively, it would make no sense for her to make a new parent after working so hard to get rid of that dynamic with her old ones. this is why i (and many other fans i’ve seen) wonder if madeleine is going to be aged down and become her girlfriend/lover in s2 instead.

i think this would also draw some more sweet sweet parallels between her and lestat. both lestat’s first fledgeling/relationship (nicki) and claudia’s (madeleine, and yes, ik louis is technically her maker but he rlly wanted nothing to do w/ her the whole time and the only reason claudia wasn’t her maker was because she was physically incapable of doing so) impulsively believed their mental issues and anguish would be resolved with vampirism when in actuality they only worsened it and made them “mad” (i.e. nicki’s eventual suicide and madeleine’s growing mental instability and just generally freakish behaviour. i feel like it’s not too far of a stretch to say that if she wasn’t killed it wouldn’t have taken long for her to crash and burn too). the lestat/nicki and claudia/madeleine comparisons would be sooo much stronger if madeleine was her lover as well (espc her first serious AND queer relationship, just like nickistat).

claudia and lestat are soo similar and i feel like this wasn’t explored enough in s1. i hope that as the unreliable narration or suspected memory tampering “unravels”, we see more of their dynamic. like, claudia was lestat’s BABY. deep down he was proud of how claudia killed him-because he admitted that if he was in her situation, she did everything the exact same way he would have. AAGH.

(on a side note, i wonder how they’d change up this metaphorical gf!madeleine’s backstory to accommodate the changes. she would still need to be off putting, deeply disturbed/internally tormented, and probably Not That Good Of A Person To Choose To Make Into A Vampire™, but her original backstory of “dead daughter who she creepily makes hundreds of doll replicas of to cope” would have to switch up (i’m maybe banking on something related to wwii, considering the setting of a just-liberated 1940s paris)

anyways lmk ur thoughts

[ruminate88]

Peace and self care after toxic relationships 🙏🏻

If you have been in at least one or more toxic relationships like I was and you LIKED it, you yourself are a kind of toxic that you need to figure out and work on. 😝💀

The fact that I’m now in a peaceful environment and it’s sometimes boring, that’s a red flag to me… All I wanted was to have peace. When I was in my last relationship, yes, I liked him A LOT!! I thought he was handsome. I enjoyed flirting with him, but that was all we had. Everything else was a complete nightmare, and after we broke up, he put me through hell…… I just wanted to get out of the drama and I finally got away from him. Got married to someone else and then I am bored 🥴 What is wrong with me? 🤡🤪

no one knew my relationships were toxic. No one could explain it to me. No one could tell me the impact it would have on my life and health down the road…. No one could tell me how bored I would feel in my life even though my life is completely peaceful and quiet now. Some people are begging for this kind of peace and quietness that I have now and I’m trying to cherish it the best I know how ❤️‍🩹 going back to that toxic atmosphere is wrong and that’s not what I want for myself. That’s not what’s best for me! 🥺🙏🏻

If I can give any advice to anyone that is either IN a toxic relationship or trying to get OUT of it, you’re missing out on so much you have no idea what’s out there for you. There is a level of self-care and peace that you just don’t know it exist yet, but once you get a hold of it, you will never ever run back to that toxic ex 👏🏻👏🏻that toxic person could care less about you. 💔 You are just an easy target so they can dump all their trauma and stress on you. they are just using you trying to make themselves feel better because they also don’t have peace or self-care. 🥺🙏🏻 Show em a better way. They need you even if they’ll never admit it. But you can’t fix them. (I tried) you can’t love them hard enough. You didn’t even know what love was or you would’ve never stayed as long as you did with them. You wouldn’t have put up with the drama if you knew it was disrespectful. You often have rose colored glasses on, trying not to judge them (I for sure did sadly. I didn’t wanna accept my exes were cheaters and liars 😓) BUT they judge you every single day of the relationship. They constantly make assumptions of who you are but project their own selves onto you. I’ve been there 3 times!!!!!! I lived for toxic because I was toxic myself. I was consistently anxious and codependent. I wanted to find happiness in a man rather than myself and I wanted the attention they gave but I only found betrayal, lies, criticism and negative attention. Those men only cared about my nudes and wanted me to hate myself because they hated themselves too. (Let’s talk real)

Free yourself with this harsh truth. You put up with disrespect because you don’t respect yourself and you like toxic. You like being attached to chaos because it gets you high. To become a better person, it will require you to be alone with yourself in a quiet space to reflect on everything.(boring or lonely as it may be, it’s soo healthy) You can still care about people and not be full of yourself but do it from a safe distance!! Truly want the best for them and don’t wish them evil. Be happy for them and yourself. Heal from them but don’t hold the past over their head. (It’s easy to do, trust me. It’s easy to live bitter.)

This new healthy space I’m in is freakin weird and foreign but I’m low key getting high off of it ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 get high off yourself!!! Stop using others to light your fire. 🔥 (this is hard talk for me. This isn’t just for you. I’m reminding myself not to run back to the men holding up their guns that they were pointing at me.)

[my-misericordia]

So I feel like I’ve figured out how to describe what Souta is as a character to me.

Souta is a critique of the “ideal” Japanese man....and incoming long ass essay I had nooo idea I was holding in lol 

He's a civil servant. Why? Because it’s stable and “contributes to Japans future”. This isn’t scientific, but a lot of English teachers/Influencers I’ve followed have said that when they’ve asked kids what they want to do the answer they get a lot is salaryman/civil servant. I’m sure they say that because it’s the “correct” answer they’ve been taught to say....So Souta has followed the “right” path and He also works like he’s supposed to by doing a lot of overtime. In Japan although overtime is usually not required people do it mostly to appear like good workers, in fact a lot of people actually don’t even do much while they’re at the office they just want to look hard working AND they don’t get overtime pay....This lack of people being fulfilled in their careers and long hours is why I feel Japan has had a drop off in marriage and birth rates..

And this goes to his sexuality. I can see how it can read as Ace/Demi, but I guess the reason I don’t is because I read a lot of manga and characters like Souta are everywhere in Japanese manga...So after some reading and kind of just thinking...these almost Sexless characters are portrayed a lot because they’re kind of what Japanese society sees as an ideal man. A good, respectable man will be focused on his work and not let sex cloud their thoughts/goals. He will pursue a partner After he’s met his goal. I know that a lot of the media has reached the west has made Japan appear more “sexually outgoing” than maybe the west, but it’s still a very conservative country. The stuff we get is pretty “weird” for other Japanese people too. People are expected to be married by 27ish, divorce is still very tabboo etc....oh no gay marriage too

So he’s living how he’s supposed to and has convinced himself it’s fine. Once he’s worked himself up the ladder he’ll start thinking about love etc... Which is why he’s so miserable and restrained that it’s manifested in him feeling “liberated” while eating naked....I’ve seen a lot of people relate it to sexuality but to me it’s a small part of everything else lol

That’s why he needed to go to the countryside and have this cooking experience too! To open his eyes to the world around him...See how he’s very much been soo miserable living the life that society expected him too.

As for his queerness....Well being just so repressed in general has really stunted his ability to even explore it and how to describe his feelings. Many asians who were not allowed to date or have relationships until they succeeded in what their parents wanted have voiced their experiences online. Some can jump in very easily into exploring what they like but others like Souta have no idea and in a heteronormative world...to even consider being NOT straight?! 

He’s out here being hit with revelation after revelation poor baby. Being the ideal Japanese man set him up for failure... 

[fizzyginfizz]

Hiii! How are you? So, the other day OUT OF THE BLUE I was i don´t know, having breakfast maybe? and i remebered this part of Quidditch is for Losers which, i know, it's about a child in hospital and it's a horrible situation, but i laughed soo loud:

Her Dad thought about it. “That incident when she was two?”

“With the wheelbarrow, the self-tuning accordion and the chicken?”

“Definitely her.”

“Could have been Percy.”

“Honestly Molly, the chicken was wearing her shoes. She hated those shoes. Dead giveaway.”

“But- “

Ginny had heard enough. “I’m not a squib! Of course I’ve done accidental magic!”

As if to agree, the clock in her Mum’s clutches started whirring. With a pling, plop and two cuckoos, Ginny’s hand spun around and around until it lurched to stop on a brand-new wedge labeled “Not A Squib.”

I love this. I LOOOOVE THIS. I believe that it requires a lot of talent to write funny stuff, and i noticed how you give us these funny moments, and then, when we have our defenses low you punch us with sadness and dispair, and i'm dead. I love it, i said it already i know.

Soooooo... is there anything you can tell us about the nex part? how is it going? How are you feeling about it? :D NO pressure and no obligation to respond, of course. I hope you have a great week!

(oh and i tried translating a part of that chapter to spanish so i could show it to my non-english speaking hp-fans friends and it's sooo hard, it's a good story still, i mean, but it's so much better in english, ugh 🥴🫠)

"Dying is easy - comedy is hard."

-attributed to Edmund Kean, maybe Edmund Gwenn, but probably uttered by the first caveman who bombed a joke.

I can't express just how tickled I am to hear you're still laughing about this stuff over breakfast. Thank you so much! Nothing is ever funny to me the fourth time I read it, so by the time I publish these chapters I have no idea whether the humor works or not. The best comments in the world start with "I laughed at the part…."

I feel like I owe followers of Quidditch is for Losers a big apology because I'm taking so long to update. I don't want to start posting again until I've finished writing the next full arc which takes us to the end of the PoA timeline - about 10-12 chapters. I can tell you Ginny's brothers are still driving her nuts, Harry still triggers a (WTF) blushing response and when Professor McGonagall said Ginny's teachers failed her, she meant it. They will not make that mistake twice. And that's just what's happening on the outside. Ginny is navigating all this with leftover social-emotional-psychological baggage and she can't process her emotions the way she would in canon because she still can't get on a broom without losing her lunch.

I can't promise when I'll get posting, but I do know what it's like to wait for updates and I can promise I'm working on it. I haven't lost passion for this project and I'm excited to share what I have planned (even though I'm looking at it for the 37th time and wondering 'hmmm, funny?'). I'm working through how Ginny's highs and lows weave together - I'm writing and rewriting (and re-rewriting), tossing stuff out, putting stuff back in, worrying about the depressing-uplifting balance. But it's coming along. Soon. Soon-ish. Soon adjacent?

In case you missed it, I did write a young Bill & Charlie piece for Weasleyfest that is a pre-QifL dive into their early brother-ing: Best Brother

And again, thank you, absolutely truly. Your note brightened my day - it means so much to me to know you've enjoyed QifL so far and are waiting for more. I'll try to write faster.

[delcakoo]

ema’s 1k followers au event ! ཻུ۪۪♡ ͎.

➠ first of all, i have a hard time with showing gratitude so my apologies this lil message is a bit short T-T my account has only existed for two months yet here we are at such a milestone! i’m still learning and getting to know this community, but i’ve already had such a fun time here. thank you so much to each n’ every one of you who took the time to read my work and decided that i deserve your precious support. i love and appreciate you all so much, especially those who gave me feedback and sent those sweet asks, i don’t know if i’d still be here if it weren’t for those motivation boosts <3. one thousand is a lot of people! i haven’t really processed it yet, but it means so much to know that i can bring comfort and happiness to you just through my writing..

➠ soo as a way to show my appreciation, i’m reopening requests to do a lil celebration event! i’m sorry it isn’t insanely creative, but hopefully we’ll all still have a fun time with it! basically, you can let your imagination run wild and explore different au’s, and i’ll write em for you! the steps to take part are quite simple:

first choose an enha member for your request to be about

pick an au from this list! (yes, you can still give me an au that isn’t on the list, i noticed a few big ones i was imagining weren’t on there; hogwarts, superhero, etc)

specify gn or fem reader

ex: for the 1k event may i please request a highschool au with sunghoon and a gn reader !? thank you ema you’re so cool B)

ema reading that: wow. this lovely person fulfilled all 3 requirements! *proud smile* yes i’ll definitely write this for them!!

➠ but don’t go yet!! here are a few things to remember before sending in a request:

make sure you’re following me, this is an event for my followers after all!

remember to check my pinned post which includes things i do not write

if i’m not feeling a request, i won’t write it. simple as that! (i’m a bit picky since i try to make each req at least 1k, sorry)

writing takes time and i have a life, please be patient!

i’ll make these as short/as long as i want depending on what ideas i have!

thank you again lovelies, i’ll do my best!! <3 all the works from this event will go under #delcakoo 1k event and to my masterlist!

STATUS: CLOSED

[eriellesudario]

The Idea of Watermarking (and how to do it)

As an aspiring photographer, there is a small (and optional) rule that we follow and that is to watermark your work. This is so that people will know who originally took it (if the logo is identifiable) and to prove that you own the photo.

I’ve done it a few times and you can see them mostly the events gallery because those pictures were hard to take as they require me to go outside and talk to people (and I’m introverted af!).

But what if there is a photo you took and you need to post it immediately? How will you watermark it? Is it even worth watermarking?

This post will answer that!

If you follow me on social media and you’re part of the Phandom, then ya’ll should have seen this photo being circulated all over Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram during the last two days.

This my fellow readers is my meet and greet photo with Dan and Phil during the Cool For Summer Festival in Sydney Olympic Park in 2017. I got a Platinum VIP pass so it means not only I get to meet Dan and Phil but I also get first priority entry. I was supposed to be second in line but I swapped places with my friend Tani and I became third in line.

This is basically what happened during the meet and greet:

So I walked in and gave Dan and Phil a hug. But before that, I played Hello Internet and Dan wanted to walk away. Yup… I actually had bluetooth speakers on me and blasted Dan’s first video before hugging them. But Dan wasn’t upset, he laughed. He said that playing that was ‘iconic’ then we hugged. (And if you’re concerned, I only played ‘Hi my name is Dan’ then stopped the video).

I hugged Dan first then Phil. After hugging they signed my book and talked about TATINOF then told them about my journalism assignment that I used the tour for it and got a B+ on it and they told me to give a shout out to the journalism teacher.

Then came the pose. I told them ‘well, since you’ve been talking about Lazytown in your previous live streams, I want to do the iconic sportarobbie pose from season 3’

I showed the the pose on my iPod and Dan then asked who is robbie rotten. He first suggested me but i said i wanted dan to do it. We did the pose i wanted and surprisingly, that pose was reposted multiple times on Instagram and Tumblr.

I told them about the Philippine phandom and they also told me to give them a shout out well. Sadly couldn’t be recorded.

I then said thank you and left happy.

As stated above, the photo was reposted multiple times on social media and spread like wildfire, gaining 3k+ likes as I’m writing this post right now. TBH, I pretty much expected that to happen since the pose is just soo good!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erielle Sudario (@eriellesudario)

Since I knew that this photo will eventually spread, I’ve decided to watermark my image. I was reading a few comments about this in both Twitter and Instagram about my decision and only a few people were butt hurt over my decision. They think its problematic and just a stupid of me to do it. But I don’t care since it’s my photo + I told my family and friends about my decision and they think it was a good idea, that it was smart of me to do so.

I’ve seen my fair share of mass repost of meet and greet photos and they were used in edits, videos and etc that it’s a thing in the phandom to crop the fan out. TBH, I don’t care if I get cropped out but I do care when they claim the photo as theirs without crediting the original owner. I’ve seen people who were literally upset when this happened to them (from m&g pics to art edits) and it sucks.

I didn’t want to watermark my pictures in the first place but unfortunately I posted a pic from TATINOF last year and people used it, making it look like its their photo. I wasn’t credited whatsoever (and it was a hard photo to take btw).

The photo I’m talking about is this:

It was a scene from TATINOF Sydney that I took using my iPad and not only people were mad at me for taking this photo, but used it in their ‘oh it’s been x months since TATINOF’ and stuff like that. And I needed this photo for my journalism assignment btw!

So after I took my meet and greet photo, I went to sit somewhere less hectic  and began to watermark my photo. I posted it and the jokes just keeps on flying about the idea of me watermarking it. Despite most of the comments were about how cute the pic was, how I was a genius for doing this and how Dan is falling towards Phil is just phan goals, but the messages about the watermark hurt me a bit… like 1% damage.

My pose, people can easily crop me out, I’ve seen a few that did and once again… more comments about my decision. Most common is something around the lines off ‘Can’t crop this b*tch out anymore’ and something related to that. So I’ve released a statement on Instagram (where I first shared the pic) and there was lots of support about my choice and people understood why I did it.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erielle Sudario (@eriellesudario)

Some have also told me that thanks to what I did, they also intend to watermark their future meet and greet pictures as well if they know it will go viral.

The purpose of the watermark is to show/prove that the photo is yours and no one can claim it’s theirs. Its permanent and unless you’re really good with photoshop, it’s hard to get rid off.

When it comes to my professional work, I usually watermark the bottom part of my photo as I want a clear shot of my pic as well as to easily identify that I took it.

Normally, I use Adobe Lightroom to watermark my works but when it comes to meet and greets, you need to upload them fast… Like the first 1 hour fast!

So how did I do it?

A few people asked what app I used to create my watermark. For those who ask, it’s called Enlight and it’s like Photoshop on your phone. It cost $5.99 AUD (but I got it for free when it was App of the Week 2 years ago)

It’s a really good app! I love to play around with it from time to time and IS REALLY USEFUL to fix really bad selfies like this one:

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A post shared by Erielle Sudario (@eriellesudario)

​(Hi Pat if you’re reading this… sorry if this selfie is being used for a blog post about watermark advice)

I needed to edit that on the spot! I didn’t want to do it at home! Also this was two selfies, just layered on top of each other and made it black and white cuz the coloured version looked like shit and made it obvious that it was edited.

But asides its use for fixing bad selfies, it’s also good for watermarks. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the PNG file of my logo on my phone so I just wrote my username.

Enlight is really handy and is good for last min edits or quick access to watermarking on the go. It’s also good with edits but that for another post.

Please note I’m not being sponsored by Lightricks Ltd. (the makers of Enlight). I just love the app. Glad I got it for free during App of the Week.

Now, every repost of my pose has my username at least spotted in the photo. You can crop me out but my name will still be seen… unless you’re a fan of Dan’s legs… then I have no control over that one.

But yeah… that’s my reason why I will now watermark my phan meet and greets and how you can do it on your mobile!

Happy watermarking!

[sehodreamsthoughts]

heheh do u know if he’s going to be in a group or not? i will look into it later, but i saw ur tags say he might sing trot or i misunderstood?

ooh hehe so ill respond to ur responses and give my own for the two that we both asked each other.. ur not crazy for wearing jeans to bed but tbh with u i would never!! maybe in the past but i’m very much a get home and put my pajamas on person.. i don’t wear anything other than pajamas in my apartment but i also have a cat and he’s a longhair, he’s very hairy and his hair gets over everything and im weird about having cat hair all over my daytime/going out leaving the house clothes, so i don’t want to wear anything that’ll get dirty/hairy at home and i don’t want to be deterred from cuddling him or picking him up either🤭🤭

as for a medium that i find most touching? your answer was really lovely and makes a lot of sense!! and i think writing and music go hand in hand very well so its cool that both of those are mediums u feel connected to because they compliment each other well i think. i’d have to say writing might be one for me, as well, or poetry but it depends because im not really big into poetry.. like i just don’t read a lot of it but could.. i think i prefer to take in information/learn things through reading/seeing it written down or actually doing it, so i think i connect with writing because of just that, like how my brain works i don’t know.

for orchid, a song that is perfect? i’m trying to think because songs i like usually change a lot, and we talked about this before.. im not super into lyrics? ‘honestly’ by riize sounds soo good to me like just the way it sounds is amazing and i thought that song was so perfect when i heard it for the first time i was like this is incredible i love how this sounds so much… idk🤕🤕

and for palm tree? a fictional character that i love but shouldn’t hehe, im trying to think of a good answer im sure i have one…idk if this counts but.. have u seen do revenge ? it’s like a teen/chick flick thing but it was recent but i really liked it and austin abrams is an actor in it and like.. he’s horrible but like.. i would still fold. like idk what it is about the little guy i want him so bad. every now and then he shows up in a movie i watch and im like oh hi…

i honestly can’t think of a villain rn😭😭 i do love a good feminine revenge story though so like, if a woman is doing things that are really horrible and wrong but it has a deeper purpose that maybe only makes sense to her… i love her<3

also it is hard having an expressive face but the positive is that it usually means ur honest and you don’t hide things from people.. makes sense with being a scorpio though too and having intense emotions and feelings towards things?

and i loveee matcha that sounds really fun if u are able to u should try making drinks at home! i always want to as well but i have a lot of trouble keeping my home clean and organized and so it gets more stressful to do a lot of stuff that requires clean up… idk if im making sense,,, also i dont usually wake up super early for work so i usually just stop for coffee on the way there.

thanks for playing and asking<333 i’m sorry i feel like my answers could be better i’m just still sooo tired from the concerts ive been feeling so sick and only just got home recently :((

- 🥟 anon

I just saw that he was going to debut as a trot singer but I honestly have no idea since I just saw it on TikTok 😭, to be honest I don't care what he does I just want to see him so bad 😭😭😭 he has so much talent, a great voice, dancing skills and such a nice presence, he made me fall in love with him when I saw him those few times with the neos and oh god, I mean, I love the seven, but idk, I guess since he's older he wouldn't have fitted the riize concept, but it'd have been so nice to see him with Eunseok and Hani 😭

I have a cat too! He's not long haired but I totally understand the hair thing, my cat is white and before I leave my house I always clean my clothes with a sticky roll(?) because I also can't stop him, if he wants a hug or rest in my lap how could I 😭, I love him so much even when he's a little piece of shit (he's fucking demanding I swear, a covid cat 🫠)

I'm also not so big in poetry, I have friends that read poetry most of the time but I need a little more to feel the stories 🫠 anyways I think is great that you connect with writing! I also believe that those two (music and writing) are connected, or at least in our cases because I can't imagine myself writing/reading without music, even if I repeat the same song in a loop, I need some feeling 😭

Awww I find it so adorable that one of the songs you consider perfect is from riize, I don't really enjoy honestly because I can't with the lyrics 😭 (not judging of course), but if I had to choose one song from them I think I'd choose memories because I also fell in love with it the second it started, it made me feel like when I was school and I listened to exo between classes, the MV is precious to me and it's simply the song I've repeated the most from riize ever 🩷 (I can't believe that one song did so much for me to even come back to Tumblr and write for a group 😭, I think l my feelings aren't as strong as then, but I still appreciate them a lot!)

I haven't seen that movie but I know the guy! I saw what he did but I can't find him hot as a bad guy if I'm honest, I just saw him in euphoria and thought he was the cutest thing ever 😭(also the bathroom scene... Sorry but the way he came after eating Kat out had me wishing it was me 😭😭😭😭) For that question I also can't think of any villain but I guess it could include Loki and Bucky, those two had me on a chokehold the whole lock down and I didn't care that they were fucking wrong and did really bad things, I just wanted them SO BAD 😭 (oh, I love women taking revenge too, one of my favorite movies ever is promising young woman and I support women in everything they do, rights and wrongs 👩‍🦯)

It could be said that me being expressive is related to honesty but if I'm fr with you I hid a ton of shit when I was younger and I still do so I don't know if that could be applied to me 💔, I show my emotions but I don't think I could be considered a piece of god taking into account that I do lie or manipulate reality into my benefit a lot 😭 (this sounds bad but it's related to my job ☠️), I don't like doing it in my real life anymore but God when I was younger I'd turn my body and tell my parents with a straight voice "oh yeah I was studying" but I would be in another place maybe having brunch with a tinder guy (my parents were pretty strict until lock down 😭), I was a bit out of control when I was younger, but now I'm a new person and mostly do it only at work (also because I'm such a sweet pea right now I don't really have nothing to hide? I haven't gone out on a date for a year already and spend most of my time on my own so I don't know what I would have to lie about 😭)

You're totally making sense, that's also part of my case so that's one of the reasons I usually drink or eat outside, just that in my case is because if I do something for me, I have to do it for everyone, and there's nothing I hate more than having to serve others because I don't only hate to prepare a ton of shit but I also have to clean it up? No thanks ☠️ (well, there goes my dream of being a stay at home wife for a sexy older man like Hugh Jackman or Pedro Pascal...)

Thank you for playing with me my love and please don't worry at all about your answers, they were perfect and I enjoyed reading them a lot! Please take your time to get your energies back, you've had an intense week and you deserve it 🩷🩷🩷

[netscapenavigator-official]

I FEEL you so hard. Have had my iphone XR since 2019 and it works ok (battery life is still ok and it doesn’t crash ALL the time) but i can’t wait until it’s practically a brick so i can switch to an android without guilt. The faceID kills me and I’m practically never using it (got a thin scratch in the glass above the selfie camera 2 years ago, so i have to make sure no light is randomly bouncing on the scratch when I unlock my phone, or the halo blocks everything) and it’s like having a babysitter version of a phone. I’m not allowed to use any applications not vetoed by Apple Inc. and almost all features are so much less customisable… sure, and iphone is great in some regards (5S and XR have been surprisingly good models in my experience) but for the past 3 years I’ve felt soo limited by Apple’s philosophy

Well, good news (or bad depending on how long you want to keep that phone), the iPhone XR is most likely next on Apple's chopping block of support. The iPhone 8, 8 Plus, and X were all dropped with the release of iOS 17, last September. If Apple keeps on their linear path, this September, with the release of iOS 18, the iPhone XR, XS, and XS Max will all be dropped. Apple usually gives phones two years of security patches after they're dropped, however, so it depends on what you consider a "brick." I, unfortunately, have an iPhone 12-series phone, so I've got at least two more years of updates left, four if I wanna push my goal to the security update deadline.

Also, for the Face ID issue, idk if you've tried this, but try doing a rescan. Go to Settings > Face ID & Passcode, and click "Set Up an Alternate Appearance." I don't know if all iPhones have this. I think they may have added it for the iPhone 12-series and newer, but if you have it, give it a try and see if it helps smooth over Face ID. By teaching it what you look like with the scratch interfering, it may be able to better compensate for it. If you're phone doesn't have that, you could always try tapping "Reset Face ID," too, to force it to re-scan. Although, with damaged glass, I don't know if it'll let you.

The App Store is another point of contention for me, too. I have a 2011 MacBook Pro that's been "obsolete" since 2017, when macOS High Sierra stopped getting updates. I wiped the drive clean and put Linux (Zorin OS) on it, and it's actually been really great. It runs like it's native. The problem, though, is that using Linux has opened my eyes to just how few free & open-source apps support iOS because of Apple's bullshit App Store requirements and $99/year developer fee. A lot of the apps I use on this computer are great, and they support Android, but they don't support iOS. It's a real bummer, and I'm just tired, in general, of not being able to do the things I want with my phone, so unless Apple decides to get really cool, really fast, this will certainly be my last iPhone. (Especially with iOS 18 coming with RCS Message support, almost entirely eliminating the difference between iMessage and Android to iPhone messaging.)

And I'm not trying to shit on Apple too much because Google is worse in plenty of ways. I have plenty of Apple devices from an iPhone, to an M1 iMac, to an Apple TV, etc. Apple makes really good hardware (with the exception of its repairability). Their problem is that they hold themselves back with their own greed. We've seen it with plenty of devices. The Apple Vision Pro is a great example. Apple thought they could use their brand image to make the device successful, but they recently had to cut production in half because demand fell off so steeply. If VisionOS was open and easy to develop for, then I'm sure it could've been a success, but Apple's desire to control everything has gotten in its way. I mean, who wants to develop for a $3,500 headset where you have to pay $99/year for a developer account, and then $400 for an Apple Vision Proprietary Port to USB-C adapter?

The Mac is honestly in the same boat. I saw a YouTube Short of a developer explaining why they dropped Mac Support, and it makes sense. To make an app on each platform you have to:

Windows

Have a PC

Code the app in any application of your preference.

Compile for Windows

Linux

Have the same PC

Code the app in any application of your preference.

Start a Virtual Machine and open the project inside it.

Compile for Linux

macOS

Buy Mac hardware ($600 for the base model Mac mini)

Pay Apple $99/year for a developer account

Code the app in Apple's Xcode

Acquire and add a Code Signature to the app so that macOS doesn't throw a fake error when attempting to open it.

Compile for macOS

If you want to upload your app to the Mac App Store, get Apple's blessing that it follows their guidelines.

Wait at least 24-hours before updates are published so Apple can approve them.

Give Apple a 15-30% cut of any money made from the App.

I used to thing that macOS had shit app support because developers just didn't want to support a niche market, but now I know it's the opposite that is true. Even if Linux has an even smaller market, it's as easy as clicking another button or booting up a free Virtual Machine and then clicking said button. You can use all the same hardware and programs. It's literally free to compile for Linux, and it expands your user base.

Meanwhile, for macOS, you have to spend a minimum of $700 just to make the app. Then, if you're not an A-List developer, you have to give a portion of your proceeds to Apple so you can put your app on their App Store for the exposure. Who the fuck would wanna do that?

Apple's death grip on their products worked for the iPhone and Apple Watch because they were both relatively new products to their respective category, but in a market where technology is starting to plateau, I'm simply no longer interested in supporting this behavior, mostly because I want to be able to use my favorite FOSS on all my devices, not just the non-Apple ones.

[hasarjunadoneanythingwrong]

soo as someone who only started FGO NA relatively recently (started during last Valentine's, but also took a break in-between), how long will it approximately take to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling super hard levelling up my Servants? NA doesn't have the better farming nodes yet and with the 4* EXP card one it takes soooo fucking long

😬 not sure you’ll like my answer but for me even almost at the one year mark there was stuff where I felt like ‘ugh I still don’t have the right servant for this leveled??’ And some of it is def a legacy issue where all the preferred CEs and junk they recommend for hard cqs etc are old ones from the start of the game (like postergirl, ox king, sumo, etc etc), and some of it is stuff like ‘meta’ supports that are limited being legit helpful for smoothing gameplay,

some of it is just a matter of time. It’s going to take time to level all your servants AND max a good chunk of their skills, esp for gold units or ones that need a bunch of a specific mat (KARNA). If I were you, I’d probably take a look at the servants I have and the ones I’m trying to get when their banners hit and focus my farming there-it’s gonna be a lot less stressful farming for one or two servants at a time as opposed to. Randomly upgrading skills here and there like I do if you go online and check out boss/cq guides you can also see who shows up more often than not if that helps narrow down who you want to level as well

thankfully, at the very least I don’t think there’s much content coming up soon that requires a clear of either lb4 or lb5-I think ooku rerun needs lb3, but that doesn’t have a welfare so unless you want the (admittedly nice amount) of sq it gives there’s less pressure to snap through the story.

at the same time….it does feel like it takes forever. And the ce thing is a bummer. I’d suggest at least working on leveling one np charge one up to 100 if you can (with just stats in attack) as sometimes that makes a legit difference

[nowandajenn]

Blue Christmas- Eight

Pairing: Chris Evans/OC Kelly

Summary: After almost three years of marriage, everyone would tell you that Chris and his wife Kelly are the most stable, solid couple they know. But behind closed doors, things are tense as they keep trying for a baby, to no avail. When a secret threatens to shake their solid marriage to it’s core, will they be able to pick up the pieces?

I do not consent to have my content, whether it be this story or anything else of my creation, posted by a third party on any other platform other than right here without my permission. This blog is 18+ and is not intended for minors. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Heed the warnings.

Warnings: mentions of cheating, smut, language, angst, mentions of miscarriage. If any of this is triggering to you, do not read. 

A/N: This is going to be very dialogue heavy, and will have flashbacks of the night that Chris cheated and everything that happened. Flashbacks will be in italics. Just a warning, this chapter is a BEAST. There’s a lot to unpack, and it’s going to be super emotional. 

December 29

Chris watches from his seat in the comfortable leather recliner in our living room as I twist my wedding and engagement rings around on my finger. It’s a nervous little habit that I do without even really realizing it or thinking about it. A million thoughts cross his mind as he sits silently, waiting for me to say something. 

After taking a few deep breaths to try and steel myself for the conversation that I KNOW that Chris and I need to have, I finally look up from the floor and at him. 

“Do you want a divorce?” Okay, the thousand different times I pictured this conversation happening in my head, that was definitely NOT one of the ways. Apparently my mouth and brain aren’t communicating very well today. 

Chris looks up at me, his expression aghast. 

“Wha-.......” he tries to speak, but is too stunned to even form the words. 

“Is that why you cheated? You don’t want to be with me anymore, so you went somewhere else for whatever is it that you weren’t getting from me?”

“No! Jesus Christ, no! I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I can’t imagine my life without you. No, I don’t want a divorce.” he tells me. 

“Okay, if that’s not it, then you have to help me out here. Because I don’t understand what possible reason you could have for cheating. It had to be something that I did. Or something I didn’t do. I need you to tell me what happened. Because until I have all the facts and I understand what the hell happened, we can’t move forward.” 

He sits forward in the chair and sighs. 

“What do you want me to tell you?” 

“I want you to tell me what happened that night after we FaceTimed. I want to know what happened between then and the next morning.” I tell him. 

“You KNOW what happened.” he says miserably. 

I shake my head. “No, I know the end result. I want you to walk me through every single thing that happened that night. Everything you were thinking, everything you did.”

“Why? What good is that going to do? What’s the goddamn point? How is me telling you everything that happened going to help ANYTHING? All it’s going to do is hurt you more, and I can’t do that. I won’t.”

“The point is, if we have even the smallest hope of getting through this intact, with our MARRIAGE intact, I need to understand this. I need to know. I need to know, because when I go to sleep at night, all I can see in my head is all the things that I imagine happened that night. And I need to know if what actually happened is better or worse than what I can imagine happened. I have a right, as your wife, to know what you did.” 

Chris looks up, silently pleading with you to not make him do this, but he knows that you’re right. You do deserve to know, even if it’s going to devastate you. 

“After we got off the phone, I had to go right back into interviews and there was two more photo calls we had to do, so by the time we got done it was about 7:30 that night. I was distracted the whole time. I hated that we fought, and I felt like an asshole, and I just wanted to call you back and apologize, but I didn’t have time. Plus, I figured that we both probably needed a little bit of time to cool down. I told myself that I was going to call you that night before I went to bed so we could talk more and I could apologize to you. We all got out of there, and Cate and Robert and the rest of them wanted to go to dinner, so we came back to the hotel, changed, and then went out to eat.” Chris tells me. 

“What time did you get back from dinner?” 

“Around 10, I think. It couldn’t have been much later than that. Everyone else was talking about going out and finding a bar or a club to go to, but I just wanted to come back to the hotel and relax. I wasn’t in the mood to be around a lot of people.” 

I pull my feet up on the couch and tuck them under me. 

“Okay, so you got back to the hotel, and then what did you do?” 

For as tired as he was, Chris couldn’t relax. He tried taking a hot shower, laying in bed watching TV, browsing social media, and flipping through pictures on his phone. Finally, after about 45 minutes and getting more and more keyed up and anxious, he decides to go down to the hotel bar. 

When he walks in, the place is empty except for an older couple seated down at the end and the bartender. Chris slides himself onto one of the stools and the bartender makes her way over to him. 

“Thank God. A friendly face.” she says with a smile. 

Chris glances down the bar at the couple. “They seem pretty friendly.” he remarks. 

“Yeah, but they’ve been here for an hour and they’re literally babying their drinks, and aren’t much for conversation that doesn’t involve each other. I’m bored out of my mind.” 

She stick her hand out. “I’m Jo.”

Chris reaches across the bar and shakes her hand with his own. “Chris. Nice to meet you.”

“So, Chris, what’s your poison?”

“What was her name?” I ask him. He just referred to her as “the bartender” and “she”. 

He runs his hand down his face and over his beard. 

“I don’t......I honestly can’t remember. It was one of those boys names for a girl. You know.....Alex or Max or James.......I don’t......I can’t remember.” 

I cover my face with my hands and take a deep breath. I want to scream already, and he’s not even deep into the story. I shake my head slightly. 

“You slept with this girl, and you don’t even remember her NAME.” I say softly. 

Chris hangs his head. 

“Keep going.” 

She pours him another measure of whiskey, along with a shot for herself. They clink glasses and swallow the amber liquid, letting it burn it’s way down. 

“So what did you and your wife fight about?” she asks him. 

Chris sighs. 

“It’s......it’s complicated.”

“Hey, I’m a bartender, which means that I’m a really great listener. It’s practically a job requirement. You might feel better if you talk about it.” 

“We’re trying to have a baby.”

“Soo....what’s the problem. Trying is the fun part!” 

“We’ve been trying for a year and a half almost, and nothing’s happening. She’s perfect; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her that would keep her from getting pregnant, but it’s just not happening. And we both want a baby so bad, and the look on her face when......it fucking kills me.” 

He knows that he shouldn’t be telling a complete stranger all of this, especially considering who he is, but the alcohol has loosened his tongue, and if he doesn’t spill his guts to someone, he’s going to explode. 

Jo puts a soft, warm hand over his. 

“I’m sorry, That has to be tough. For both of you.” she says softly. 

“I mean, I guess I never thought that it would take actual work, you know? I assumed that ‘hey, if we just keep having sex, eventually she’s going to get pregnant’ and it would be easy. She’s getting scared and fed up and talking about adoption and fertility doctors, and I hate seeing her so stressed out and upset, and I kind of just.....I said some things and made it worse and I feel like a complete fucking jackass.” 

“What if you guys can’t have kids?” 

“As much as I want to have kids with her, I don’t need them to be happy. As long as I have Kelly in my life, I’ll be perfectly happy. Do I want to be a dad? Yeah, absolutely. But there are so many kids out there that need good homes, so there are other options, but I don’t think that we’re there yet, you know?”

I get up and storm out of the room with Chris right on my heels. 

“Kelly, wait, please.....”

He touches my arm and I spin around to face him, and the look in my eyes makes him fall back a step. 

I’m so pissed off and hurt right now I could spit nails. 

“You......you told her.....EVERYTHING. You told her.....EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING, Chris! Do you even......do you even fucking understand what you did? Like.....” 

I squat down close to the floor and put my head between my knees. My heart is pounding and I’m so worked up that I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I don’t calm down. And I’m not going anywhere or doing anything until I get the whole damn story. 

“Look, I know-” 

I look up at him incredulously. 

“No! No, you don’t know! You don’t know shit! You fucking betrayed me, in every single sense of the word. You didn’t just fuck her, you told her, a complete stranger, about me. About us trying to have a baby. You told her about things that you never even fucking bothered to tell me! Do you realize that she could go to the press? She could go and spill all of these juicy little secrets that you spilled to her over shots of Jack and have herself a nice little pay day.”

“Kelly, you wanted to know what happened that night, so I’m telling you what happened, despite everything inside of me screaming at me not to. I’m not going to lie to you or keep things from you. You wanted to know everything.” Chris says. 

I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth so hard that my jaw hurts. 

“I can’t look at you right now. I need a break.” I tell him, grabbing my jacket. I grab Dodger’s leash off the peg in the hallway and call for him. 

Dodger trots over, tongue lolling out of his mouth, happy to be going on a walk. 

“I’ll be back in a while.” 

Forty five minutes later, I’m in the utility room stripping off my wet clothes after getting Dodger dry and wiping off his paws. 

Chris stops pacing the kitchen when he sees me walking through the house in my bra and underwear. 

“What happened to your clothes?” he asks. 

“Dodger saw a squirrel and got excited and kind of dragged me through a snow bank.” I sigh. I throw my clothes in the dryer and make my way into our room to get changed. 

“Dodge, come on.....” Chris admonishes. Dodger just jumps up on the bed and curls up. 

I throw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a blue Patriots hoodie that’s hung over the back of the chair in our room and sit down on the side of the bed. 

“I want to know the rest.” I tell Chris. 

He sits down heavily on the end of the bed. 

“No, you don’t.” 

I swallow thickly. “You’re right. I don’t. But it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to tell me anyway.” 

Hours pass with Jo and Chris laughing and talking and flirting back and forth, until it’s 1am and the bar closes for the night. 

“Thanks for sticking around and hanging out tonight. I think I would have died of sheer boredom if you hadn’t.” Jo laughs softly. She offered to walk him back to his room as he was pretty well drunk and a little unsteady on his feet. 

“It was no problem. I didn’t really want to be alone tonight to be honest. I used to do really well on my own. I was used to it, and then......I wasn’t alone.” Chris tells her. 

Once they reach his room, they linger outside for a few minutes, both of them not really wanting the night to end. Jo steps closer to him, knowing exactly what she wants and completely unashamed about it. 

“You should kiss me.” she says softly, looking up at him with big doe eyes. She places her hands on his chest and instead of immediately backing away like he should have, he leans into her touch. 

Chris closes his eyes as he feels his mouth go dry and a strange fluttery feeling in his stomach. He hasn’t really felt this way since....

He opens his eyes and breathes out deeply. “I can’t. I’m married. I’m married and I’m insanely in love with my wife.” 

“So? You should kiss me anyway. I can tell you want to. You’ve been flirting with me all night.” she says, taking a step closer. “I won’t tell anyone. I promise. You need a way to release all this tension you’ve got, and I’m more than willing to help you out anyway I can.” 

Before his brain can scream at him to stop, he’s wrapping his arms around her and covering her mouth with his, kissing her soundly. It’s a battle of teeth and tongues, both of them trying to take control from the other. Without breaking apart, Chris manages to get his key card out of his pocket and gets the door open, pushing both of them through it and slamming it behind them. 

“This never goes beyond this room. We never talk about this ever again.” Chris gasps, pulling away from her just long enough to get the words out. 

“Absolutely.” she agrees. 

Clothes are torn off and tossed to the floor in a frenzy, and as soon as Chris drops his pants and boxers, Jo sinks to her knees and takes him in her mouth, swallowing him almost all the way down. 

“Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Christ, yes, just like that.” he moans out. 

He brings his right hand to her hair, holding it in a makeshift ponytail while his left hand goes to her shoulder. 

She almost makes him lose his mind with the things she can do with her tongue, and within minutes, he’s fucking her face roughly as spit runs down her chin and tears are springing to her eyes from the assault on her throat, but she loves it. She has the man she’s fantasized about for years shoving his cock down her throat, and she’s never been more turned on in her life. She smirks to herself as she wonders if his wife ever sucks him off like THIS. 

When he can’t stand it anymore, Chris pulls her off his dick and takes a few deep breaths. 

“I need a condom.” 

“Right. I have one in my purse.” she tells him as she reaches for her bag and finds it and hands it to him. 

“Get on the bed. On your hands and knees.” he says roughly. While her mouth was wrapped around him, he was mesmerized and couldn’t look away, but now he finds that he doesn’t even want to look at her face. He rolls the condom over his cock, giving it a few strokes before sinking into her from behind.

Tears stream down my face as I process all of what Chris just told me, and I can’t even BREATHE with how devastated I feel. It’s like a hole just got punched through my chest. I try and take a breath in, but it turns into a strangled sob and I drop my head into my hands and just let it out. 

Chris swallows thickly, wiping away his own tears as he watches me fall apart  across from him, wishing that he could do something.....ANYTHING to take all the pain away. To go back and undo everything that he did so you wouldn’t hurt. All he feels is deep, unrelenting shame and he knows in his gut that if you asked for a divorce after hearing all of his sins laid bare, he wouldn’t be surprised or even have the right to be devastated. He made his bed. 

I feel bile rising in my throat, and I stumble to my feet and race to the downstairs bathroom, falling to my knees and vomiting painfully as the image of my husband kissing this woman and fucking her run through my head. I barely notice Chris come into the bathroom until I feel him pulling my hair back and securing it with a hair tie, and rubbing my back softly. I can’t even find the breath or the energy to tell him to get away from me and drop dead. 

I’m so damn tired. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this level of physical and mental exhaustion before. I sink back into the pillows a little more, and look over at Chris. Neither one of us have said a word since he picked me up off the bathroom floor and stood there with his arm around my waist as I brushed my teeth. That was 45 minutes ago. 

“It was just sex?” I ask. 

He exhales. “It was just sex. It was just once.”

I look back up at the ceiling and try and make sense of everything. 

“I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand why you would sleep with another woman.”

“I-I don’t know. I was lonely because we were fighting, and I missed you so goddamn much, and I was afraid of what was happening to us with all of the stress and I just......I got drunk, and I did a horrible thing. I did a horrible thing, and I wish that I could take it back. I wish I could take it back so bad it hurts. But I can’t. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.” Chris says. 

I lift my eyes to meet his. “You were lonely? That’s your excuse? You were lonely, and you were upset. So you stuck your dick in another woman.” 

I stand at the kitchen sink and drain a glass of water in record time, and refill it. Turns out crying all day and then puking can kind of dehydrate you. I can sense Chris behind me, even though he doesn’t say anything. 

“Two years ago, a couple of weeks after you left for Africa to start shooting the movie, I found out I was pregnant. We hadn’t even officially started trying yet, so it came as a pretty big surprise. But I was so happy, and I couldn’t wait to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, especially when you were so far away, so I was going to surprise you when you came home. I had it all planned out. I practiced telling you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, just so I could see the stupid happy look on my face.”

I feel tears prick my eyes, and I swallow down the sob that I feel threatening to come out. I turn towards Chris, and the look on his face is heartbreaking. 

“What?” he breathes out. 

“I was at a job.....I was shooting a birthday party for a little girl who was turning one. All I could think about was that that was going to be us eventually, and it made me so happy. Everything was fine, but then I started having horrible pain in my stomach. It got so bad that I collapsed, and the parents called 911 when they realized that I was bleeding. They did an ultrasound at the hospital, but they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I had already miscarried. You don’t know anything about feeling lonely until you’re by yourself laying on a table with your feet in stirrups while a doctor cleans out your uterus.”

Chris is sunk down in one of the kitchen chairs with his hand over his mouth and tears running down his face. This is the first time he’s hearing any of this. 

“Why didn’t-” his voice cracks, and he takes a minute and clears his throat before he tries again. “Why the hell didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come home!”

“Chris, you were 8,000 miles away from home. There wasn’t anything you could do. It was too late. They had to do the procedure as soon as possible. I didn’t.....I hadn’t told anyone else that I was pregnant. And I didn’t want to call your mom or sisters because I didn’t want them to find out. I knew if they found out they would call you, and you would be devastated. And I couldn’t do that to you when you were so far away. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I was trying to protect you.”

The sound of his fist slamming against the heavy oak table makes me jump. 

“And what about over the last two years? Huh? Don’t you think that I had a right to know? Don’t you think I had the right as your husband, to be there with you? To comfort you? To mourn with you? To even have a fucking clue about what happened?” 

I take a deep breath. 

“You did.  You should have been there. You should have been there with me to hold my hand and cry with me and tell me that it was going to be okay, even though it was a lie. But you weren’t. You were doing your job. I don’t know if you realize it, but when you leave for work or press or whatever it is that you have to leave me for, you’re not the only one who’s lonely. You’re not the only one who has to deal with the silence. But you don’t see me going out and fucking someone else.”

Tears start to swim in my eyes again, and I suddenly feel like if I don’t get out of the house right now, I’m going to suffocate. I’ve been in here with Chris literally all day while we picked apart his affair, and I’m exhausted. I’m hurt and emotional and talking about the baby that we lost just made everything worse.

“I’m gonna go. I just.....I can’t handle anything else today. I know you’re probably really pissed off at me right now, and honestly, the feeling is mutual. Things are already about as bad as they can be, so I’m gonna leave before we have a chance to make it worse.”

The last thing I see before I walk out the door is Chris sitting at the table with his head in his hands, sobbing while Dodger sits on the floor next to him, whining in distress.  

 The Usual Suspects: @averyrogers83 @wordywarriorwrites @imanuglywombat @joannaliceevans-fanficblog @hlkwrites @reminiscingrogers @mom—nicole @jtargaryen18 @alexakeyloveloki @kelbabyblue @sarahp879 @moonlessnight14 @mojean13 @mrskokitztelford @artisticrogers1972 @southerngracela @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @mybesttobobcratchit @gracethegeek9902 @mdemontespan1667 @marvelfansworld @capslut2014 @dispatchvampire @jamielea81 @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety​ @nerdy-bookworm-1998​ @southerngracela​ @what-is-your-plan-today @letsdisneythings​ @theladybiers @lexeeehhh @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ @autumnrose40 @donutloverxo​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @jessaywahh-blog​@smediumsmeatbae @before-we-get-started​ @lizette50 @littlegasps @rageshots @what-is-your-backupplan-today @clairebubbles @patzammit @sweet--catrastophe @pandaxnienke @redhairedfeistynerd @hails270105 @syms-things-5 @chezdricks @denisemarieangelina @christ0pher-evans @supersquirrel1996 @thumbeliina​

[btsarmyline]

Jungkook sounded so depressed in the magazine interview... I hope everything is alright with him, I'm always worried when it comes to his emotions, he's very sensitive, I love my baby so much. 2017, 2019 and 2020 were hard for him. I'm so sad, hope he gets confident in the future. Fighting!

Hi anon! Oh really? I don't think he sounded depressed at all actually 💜 I think he sounded very much like himself, and also well 🥺 I'm ALWAYS worried about him too, so I totally understand. But Kook has been so happy the last year, I can really really feel a change. Actually these last two years he seemed to have found himself and found comfort in who he is much more. He has matured and grown up. (I could talk about this for hours, but no need to start a TED Talk). My worries has become so much less this year. 2019 and 2020 was really tough! With all the "scandals", corona, him even crying in front of us.

I think this quote is especially amazing, and shows how much he trust in himself and how high his self-worth is. This quote is very important to me, because it shows a very healthy state of mind for someone who has so much pressure and expectations from outside.

"“I don’t have clear answers like, ‘This is how I’ll live!’ But what’s clear is that I want to decide for myself how to live my life. (...) I’d never do something that everybody agrees is wrong, but where various ways are acceptable, I want to live on my own terms. I settled on this fairly early on.”

Yes Jungkook is a very emotional person, and he is a person with lots of feelings - I am the same, feelings things very strongly. But Jungkook is also mentally very very strong. If you see the way he handle and talk when he has been going through tough times, it's very clear. He works so much on himself and with himself, and I think that speaks to a very healthy and strong mental health. The only thing I can worry about is him not sharing his troubles enough with the other members.

Jungkook has always been VERY hard on himself, never satisfied with what he do. And I don't think that is ever gonna change. But, I think for him it works like a driving force and it's a way to keep him down to earth.

Look at these two quotes from the GQ interview (translated by Jungkook Times):

"I want to go further up. But then I don’t have worries. It’s not that life has always been how I wanted it to be, and I know that I’m lacking in many things but I have my confidence. I have the confidence, a vague one that ‘I can do it’" - He has the confidence and believes in himself!

"If I’m satisfied with everything about myself, then I’d have nothing to wish for. I wouldn’t aspire for going up. When that time comes that I don’t have anything in my mind to aspire for, then I might be at the top" - He is very self-reflected and understands the importance of wanting to be better and wanting to do better.

But especially this comment (from Vogue) showed me how much he changed lately: "“Nobody can be perfect, but I’ve been able to enjoy it because I do everything that’s required of me. That’s why I can accept an occasional poor result.” This seems to be Jung Kook’s attitude toward life. “I understand that hard work and the outcome are two separate things,” he explains. “I’ve learned how to accept the result. Of course, having the ambition to improve myself is another matter.”

Sorry the answer is SOO long! And I only feel like I talked about 5% of it all!! I could talk about Jungkook all day 🥺 But the point is, I actually think he is doing well, and also, Jungkook will ALWAYS be hard on himself and he will always have this very realistic, analytic and a bit cold look on himself and his life. He is an ordinary person like you and me, and life is never just happiness and a walk on roses. But lately I don’t worry about him, I think he is doing well, as well as an ordinary person in the middle of a pandemic can do. I hope this will make you feel a bit more at ease! 💜

[quotesthatgotmehelpless]

I just felt like writing in the middle of the night and thought I could share it as well soo here is a little kleinsen one-shot kinda thing? It’s not well thought and really random, it also probably goes from 0-10 real quick but I hope you somewhat enjoy it. Feedbacks are very much appreciated :)

Evan

Lying required skills. Skills I never had like staying calm, breathing normally, not sweating, not stuttering, not fidgeting...

And maybe that was exactly why no one realized when I lied under their noses for such a long time.

Because I was always like that. Always nervous. Always on edge. Always freaking out. So no one really had a reason to believe something was not okay.

And besides, no one thought I would lie, because why would I lie anyway?

Why would I lie?

Why did I lie?

Because Murphys needed it?

Because I needed it?

Sure, in the end, it inspired a lot of people. It actually did good for some people. And didn’t for some.

And clearly didn’t for Jared Kleinman.

I tried to reach out to him. He was the first person I went after Murphys. He didn’t let me inside his house, saying I wasn’t welcome there. Not anymore. And it crushed me.

So I tried other things. Calling, texting, all those weird social media apps that Jared used.

He blocked me from every single one of them.

“Give him some time,” Alana said. “He will come around.”

But he didn’t come around. And I didn’t want to give him any more time than I had already given. Being separate was hard. I couldn’t stand it. How did Jared stand it? How was he, still, standing it?

It had been three months since the truth was out.

I mean, not out-out but out.

The only person who knew besides us was Miguel, who I wanted to run to Jared and tell about, minutes after our conversation ended.

It was weird. Not being able to run to Jared.

Because Jared was always there.

And no matter how fucked up things got,

Jared never left.

I left.

What was I thinking?

Was I even thinking?

These last few months without Jared had been... wrong. Everything just felt wrong, wrong, wrong.

I took a shaky breath before standing up. My overthinking for the morning was done. Now was the time to do other stuff that I would overthink about at night and then call it a day.

“Mom, I’m going to Jared’s house. Again.”

She didn’t say anything, just gave me an encouraging smile and a thumbs up from the kitchen as I left the house.

I already knew what I was going to say to him. I rehearsed it every single night. By now, I knew every word by heart and could go through the whole speech without even stuttering. Not that I thought it would be as easy as talking to my wall. No, I didn’t think that, I just basically hoped that it would be. I opened the door and got into my mother’s car. Oh, that’s another thing. I started to drive again.

It was just me and my thoughts until I reached his house. As I walked through the door, I tried to wash away that feeling of guilt. It just made it harder to talk and I had to talk. Had to let him know how deeply sorry I was. How I regretted everything I did to him. To us.

I knocked on the door like how we did when we were little. Since mom was always at work, Jared had made up his own knocking for me to separate him from strangers. We always opened the door when we heard that sound.

And when Jared didn’t open the door, it hurt. It hurt so much.

“Please Jared,” I whispered. “Please open.”

To be completely honest, I wasn’t expecting him to open. I thought this was going to be another failed attempt to reach out to him. So when he did open, I guess my heart skipped a beat.

“What do you want Evan? I thought I made it clear enough that I didn’t want to talk to you.”

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out.

“Close your mouth or you’re gonna catch flies.”

At least Jared was still Jared.

“Right, sorry.”

And I was still, well, me.

He was looking directly into my eyes, waiting for me to speak. I couldn’t. Suddenly, nothing made sense. I tried anyway.

“I... I actually had that really long speech in my mind,” I could feel my hands getting sweaty. And a sick feeling in my throat that made it even more impossible to speak.

I saw the look on his face softened. His whole attitude suddenly shifted from bitter to... something else. “Of course you did.” he chuckled. If it was another time and I wasn’t so caught up about what to say to him, I would think it was adorable.

Yeah, this wasn’t like talking to my wall at all.

“I don’t know if I can-” wait, was I crying? Was that the reason why he suddenly acted differently?

“It’s okay,” he reassured. “We don’t have to do that talk right now.”

He was so... nice? But Jared was barely nice. And after everything that happened, he certainly wouldn’t be nice now. Yet here he was, somehow comforting me?

I wanted to hug him, Jared did it first.

And there was something so warm in that hug, something that felt right, smelt right. I snuggled in. At that moment, his arms squeezed a fraction tighter, and I started to breathe more calmly. The tears I didn’t realize were there in the first place, slowed down. Everything was okay. Except it wasn’t.

“Jared I’m so sorry-” I paused, freed one of my hands from the hug and wiped my nose to my sleeve.

“I know I hurt you and I never really meant to, it just-” I paused again. I don’t think I ever struggled this hard before to let a few words out of my mouth.

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” Jared sounded as surprised as I was, like he didn’t intend to say it this soon.

Still, hearing the words coming from his mouth made me feel relieved. Talking wasn’t so hard anymore.

“You do?” I raised my head from his chest to finally look at him. “You sure you don’t want to hear my speech before that? I quite worked hard on it.”

He smiled.

I smiled.

“I believe I have something better in my mind than your possibly way too long for me to listen anyway speech.”

I couldn’t really process what he said because Jared was leaning forward and what came next carried all the other things away.

Jared’s lips were on mine.

Jared was kissing me.

The. Insanely. Cool. Jared. Kleinman. Kissing. Me.

And oh, how right that felt.

[szynkaaa]

I more or less watched The Boy!!! And by watching, I mean I skipped more or less through the jump scare parts because I cannot do horror movies at all. I haven’t watched one since 2015 and The Boy was like the first horror movie after five years

Full disclosure, the ONLY reason I started watching the movie was because someone posted a gif of Greta standing close to Brahms who was all sweaty and breathing heavily n I was like “oh shit who dat he hot” and here I am 

Can anyone explain the sandwich scene to me? So Greta was scared shitless and locked herself in her room, but why did Brahms make her favorite sandwich for her?

I did some digging for interviews and generally what people have been saying about the movie, took some screenshots from youtube to put my thoughts and musing together too! 

Can anyone explain the sandwich scene to me? So Greta was scared shitless and locked herself in her room, but why did Brahms make her favorite sandwich for her? 

So first of all, let’s start with a low resolution photo I found on IG of James Russell without mask:

which brings me to my first musing/thought/question? 

It’s all under the cut, very screenshot and text heavy, you can find more Brahms drawing at the bottom though  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So at the end of the movie, we are shown a Brahms with a broken mask and his face being burned, indicating that he was in fact in the fire.

I assumed first that the fire was created by the parents to fake their sons death and then he had to live hidden inside the walls? 

But I’ve also heard apparently it was Brahms who set the fire to fake his own death or maybe an eight years old kid really was trying to burn himself down?? 

My other theory is that his parents made the fire and tried to kill Brahms and it did burn him but he survived, and the parents didn’t wanna go to jail sooo to hide everything they made their son live in the walls

i mean the responsible thing would be to turn their kid in and have him treated and stuff;;; listened to a murder podcast about two cases where kids murdered enough kids and how they are doing now interesting read Brahms made me think of those two cases 

I also do not think that the previous nannies were killed. Like, c’mon. You’d report a person missing and sooner or later it would go back to the Heelshire mansion and if the body counts piles up? Can’t look good and I doubt that the Heelshire wants the police investigating them close up. 

Also, when the mom was like “He’s chosen you if you’ll have him” to Greta? Is it just me or the wording or does it sound like a marriage proposal/arrangement xD 

Brahms is a brat and he sees the people around him as his possession or to toy around. But I also do think that he has some abandonment issues but not in the sad tragic kind of way lmao. Even if he was the one controlling and manipulating his parents from behind-the-scene (quite literally I suppose?), he was still told as a kid to live in hiding and that no one can know he is alive. I don’t know much about the human brain, but I can imagine how damaging that must be to his mental growth and set him back in some way? We don’t know too much about his relationship with his parents - but I assume that he must have still loved them in his own twisted way. Can’t imagine that he would have been indifferent about his parents suicide. 

The scene before Greta manages to back out - first he uses the child voice to beg her to come back and promises he will be good. That’s his manipulating Greta, but when that doesn’t work and she tries harder to open the door, he becomes more desperate to keep her there and then completely loses his temper and threatens to kill Malcolm if she doesn’t return. I’m pretty sure homeboy would have killed him anyway. And then later when she returns and he is all heavy breathing and smelling her hair and then jumps up when she shouts Brahms? Idk I def think there is some sort of abandonment issue going on. 

I don’t think he is a child stuck in a man’s body or manchild or whatever. I think that he does know how to take care of himself - but he just chooses to manipulate people with the facade of a kid to do his bidding and cater to his needs. 

Anywhomst, but clearly Brahms is also a very manipulative and controlling person based, based on how the mother was reacting on the destroyed bedroom, she really seemed to be at the end of her wits and just breaking down with her “you promised you’d be good”. It was very heartbreaking to watch and also scary because it really makes you realize just how much power Brahms holds over them?? idk maybe it was just me.

Next point: the CGI mask  + the burns 

So according to some interviews with the director stated that at the first test streaming, people weren’t really scared of Brahms because he was too handsome so they had to slap a mask over his face. The face was done after everything was filmed. I’m thinking the face burns were also added post-production when they were adding the cgi mask. Otherwise, James would have needed to go through the makeup department for some wicked face burns and it would have been visible during the filming and test screening too? Which would imply that at first the fire was supposed to be just  a cover story that their son is dead and it was changed later

Observation/thoughts on Brahms Heelshire

Love how he stands there with his hands behind his back and then nods when Greta tells him to go under the cover

James Russell is 191cm tall. So like. Brahms is really fucking tall. But I notice that most of the time he stands with a slight hunch. Could be due to him crawling through the walls and crawling out of places that requires him to do a lot of crouching. His bed in his hideout made me really sad, I’ll get to it later. 

Since James didn’t get many lines in the ten minutes that he appeared, I do think that his eyes did all the acting. They stand out even more with the mask on, there is just this crazy look on it. I also noticed during my rewatch that he doesn’t seem to blink much or at all. 

Oh yeah, he also peeped on Greta and Malcolm making out on the bed and then cockblocked them. We been knowing that he made a Greta doll and very likely jerked off to it. We also been knowing that he very very very likely wanted to bone Greta at the goodnight kiss scene still waiting for the maskeless kiss scene gimme gimme. I also highly doubt that Brahms has much first-hand experience with kissing n stuff. High key thinking he was trying to do copy Malcolm and do what he observed lmao

When I first watched the scene, I assumed that the hole behind the mirror has always been and it’s just another one of the hidden passages Brahms to slip in and out, but now that I’m looking at the shape of the holes, it seems to me more like the mirror and brick wall were broken at the same time?? If that is the case holy shit boy is s t  r o n g. I mean, he also punched through the closet door like no big deal so really what have the parents been feeding him. 

I’m also leaning toward the fact that he ran there because Greta screamed loudly. I don’t think he was in the room as them when everything went down there, it seemed more like he heard the scream and had to nyoomed over and then punched a way through to get out of the wall. And then went on to attack Cole. He must have known that Greta wanted Cole gone, since that what she whispered to the doll before going to bed. 

Tbh, I fully expected him to murder Cole in his sleep, but Brahms wrote a warning message in blood to tell him to get out soooooo like. Cole you were warned and now you gotta live with the consequences ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Brahm’s sleeping corner

This scene was shown at the end after Greta and Malcolm escaped. We also see them briefly during the part where Greta and Malcolm are trying to find a way out and stumbled into Brahms’ hideout. I’m not sure why the rules are slapped on the walls. It seems to me that Brahms is very very very set on that the rules / routine should be followed. In the movie, he called Greta and suggested to her that she should follow the rules, to which she then started doing it.

I headcanon that that’s the routine that he grew up with as a kid and it’s just very very very very very hard to break out of it - not that he is trying to break the routine. 

I’m failing to find a good way to put my thoughts into words, but I guess the rules and routine is sort of his coping mechanism? 

I suppose if you had an OC that you ship Brahms with and want to change stuff around the house, the OC would have to very slowly introduce new rules and routines. Baby steps, yknow.

Brahms has a violin hanging there! Honestly I would be surprised if Brahms didn’t know how to play at least one instrument. The family also has an old ass piano/clavichord (?) and Brahms loves classical music soo yeah. Love me a boy who appreciates classical musical hehe

I suppose the egg boxes are there to soundproof the room more - maybe so he can play the violin? 

There’s also music sheets hung around his attics, it’s not clear on the screenshots but when you rewatch the scene and shove your face close to the screen. Some are hanging next to the violin and there are some taped on the wall next to his bed and porn too

nice to see he has a fridge and microwave, I was concerned that he wasn’t well fed and that leftovers might not be enough, but then again. Dude is 191 cm so clearly he has been drinking his milk

Didn’t take a screenshot of his vanity, but there is a crocodile magnet stuck to the mirror hehe. I do think that he shaves and stuff, otherwise his beard would be much longer??

We can see more music sheets stuck to a pillar on the right. 

Loving the christmas lights that he has hanging there above his bed. It’s cute. 

On the shelf he has a bunch of tupperware and empty bowls. Most of hte things are neatly organized. We can also see some books and a pen

There’s some sunlight streaming inside - I do hope that Brahmsy stays warm during winters.

Here we can see more of the food that he has there - there is also a sink but I didn’t snatch a screenshot of it. I think those are potatoes in the pot? Maybe he does know how to cook some basic stuff, I do wonder if he has a functioning kitchen up there. Probably not for fire safety reasons lol

Yall see that thing on the note sheet covered pillar? Ngl, that’s a whole ass aesthetic right there.

He got a few potted plants up there. Took a closer look at them and it seems like they were healthy. So he knows how to take care of plants, which is nice to know I suppose?

Yes, we all know what he was doing with the doll and what the tissue balled up tissue implies. However, has anyone noticed the size of the bed??? 

If you scroll up a bit to the screenshot of Greta seeing the doll, it looks t i n y. The make shift doll takes up more than half of the space. 

Yall. this breaks my heart. Dude is a beanstalk. I’m pretty sure the bed is from when he was a kid shoved by his parents to live inside the wall, does he have to sleep there in his adulthood too??? 

Even though Brahms strikes me as someone who probably doesn’t sleep much or during normal times, that bed must be so tiny for him. He must be sleeping with his knees bend and shit unable to stretch out :((( 

Brahms: is a psychopath that smashed the skull of a girl and very abusive tormented his parents and then Greta Me: omg he needs a bigger bed that poor thing :(((

Brahms’ DIY corner 

Ah yes, Brahm’s little DIY/creative corner. 

Homeboy got lot of animal traps, cages and taxidermies hanging around, pointing strongly toward that it’s a hobby of it? 

Also at the end where we see him fixing up the doll, we can get a better shot at his desk, and I gotta say the threads and stuff are all very nicely organized. Brahms’s table looks more organized than mine does lmao. 

So we know he is a crafty boy. Not sure how difficult taxidermy is but I imagine it does take a lot of time to learn? Well he had all the time in the world anyway.

So yeah, that’s a wrap. Congrats if you made it to the bottom of my incoherent thoughts and ramblings, have a bonus drawing of Brahms wearing different masks: 

[cuinnamonbun]

The brothers being accidentally in love with the Muslim even though they can’t be with them... would they lowkey convince the MC or would they sulk lol

(Say if it goes for both ways, MC is a hopeless romantic lowkey lmao)

OOF. So much angst. This one is a real brain teaser, I had to read SOO many tragedy poetry and fics to get the feeling so excuse the sentimental writing LMAO. A bit of warning though, I feel as though the brothers are OOC in this which is seriously messing me up, but I didn’t want to leave you bare-handed!

I feel like this HC requires a bit of context in order for people to understand why I wrote the brothers’ reactions the way I did. So I’d like to iterate the fact that I, too, am a hopeless romantic and I definitely believe love can change even the most difficult man. I’ve always had this HC in the Obey Me! universe that every creature is fallible and that the brothers, once fallen, are now much more vulnerable to these new emotions than when they were angels since they’re no longer bound to the service of God y’know? 

So with that in mind, onwards to the HC!!

p/s: I’ll post the little brothers’ reactions soon, hope you liked this :)

How the Brothers React to Accidentally Falling in Love with a Devout Muslim MC (Big Brothers)

Lucifer

At first, this man will pursue MC for not-so-wholesome gains (cough corruption kink cough). Lucifer is a very decisive man. He knows what he wants and unashamedly goes after it and he will stop at nothing until it’s rightfully his

But in his pursuit, I could see him actually, really, really falling in love with MC

It’s their pure, kind soul that attracted him initially as with all the other demons, but the more time he spends with them, the more he gets sucked in until all he wants and craves is MC

It’s almost heart-warming if not a bit concerning

However in his chase for MC’s affection, Lucifer would forget one crucial detail: MC is a Muslim, one whom is devout especially now having seen angels, demons and hell right in front of their eyes and when he accidentally witnessed them praying, he will just shut down and instantly remember that they are not meant to be

To put it simply, it’s illogical for them to even be together

When the realisation dawns on him, he immediately turns a full 180 and become a massive dick to MC, even borderline cruel that shocks the brothers

If MC confessed their love to him, Lucifer’s heart would soar in happiness, but his pure, unadulterated love for them would force him to push them away and tell them that he doesn’t reciprocate their feelings

But I could also see his Pride taking factor into this.

A prideful demon such as he, who willingly defied God and fell from Heaven, he would absolutely REFUSE to have his partner so dedicated to God. 

It won’t sit well in him at all and it will absolutely leave a bad taste in his mouth

But this doesn’t change the fact that he’s still in love with them, a fact which he DESPISES and is DISGUSTED by

When they left the Devildom, Lucifer would do what Lucifer does best: repress his feelings. That, or take it out on Mammon lol

But seriously though, he would need an outlet for his anger, heartbreak and yearning and he would most definitely drown himself in work or by punishing his brothers.

He can pretend all he wants that he’s fine, but Lucifer’s cues are pretty easy to read especially since MC has managed to get the demon brothers’ to bond with and understand each other deeper beyond surface level (a miraculous feat, kudos to our MC), the others can definitely tell that there’s some serious repression going on

But Lucifer gets very snippy whenever the brothers try to help him with it, which irritates the HELL out of them and they would be too annoyed with him to even bother helping him now 

Now that his pride has driven away both the very person whom he loves and his brothers, Lucifer will become even more withdrawn and far, far lonelier than he was before MC came into their lives

Sometimes, he curses the circumstances that led them to him, even if they were the best thing that ever happened to his family

Yeah, heartbroken!Lucifer is just ;((( (Alexa play bitches broken hearts by miss billie eilish)

Mammon

This man is a capital S simp.

Mammon gets attracted to anything shiny/pretty REALLY easily (after all, it’s one of the main reasons why his symbolic animal is a crow) so him being attracted to MC at first didn’t really come as a surprise

I think he knows the difference between finding someone attractive and actually being in love with them despite having never even fallen in love before

He’s lived for centuries and plus, his own sister loved a human, he’s certain he has never felt that for anyone before

Him realising that he’s in love with MC would definitely come as a shock to him though. This tsundere can deny it all he wants, but he can’t deny the fact that MC’s mere presence alone gives him serenity and cardiac arrest at the same time

His initial reaction when he comes to terms with it would definitely be to flee and avoid MC like they’re the plague. But this man pines and when he does, his sin will flare up and MC will find themselves with a very clingy Avatar of Greed by their side

To Mammon, being in love is the equivalent of stepping outside of your home for the first time in weeks and feeling the gentle warmth of the Sun caressing your skin

He is gentler, more compassionate, and more attune to MC’s feelings. He definitely places them above Goldie because they are his most prized possession, the keeper of his heart, the rarest jewel and like everything he treasures, he takes extremely good care of them. But he would NEVERRR let MC or his brothers EVER know about that (sike, everyone knows it, he’s so soft for them it’s so obvious. They find it endearing though)

Which is why when he remembers that they’re Muslim and that they worship God, the very deity he curses and rebel daily against, his heart would break

He isn’t stupid (well, not all the time), he’s lived in the Celestial Realm before. He has seen the humans who reside there once they pass their mortal life. They were infinitely exuberant compared to the ones who were condemned to a lifetime of punishment in the Devildom for their sins

And he could never doom them like that, it would hurt him to see his love miserable and depressed down in the Devildom even if he would want nothing more than for them to be together forever

So, he would bottle up his feelings and try his best to live in the present and enjoy what little time he has with them, even though he felt like that entire year passed by in a flash (which, in demon years, is most definitely like the blink of an eye)

If MC reciprocates his feelings, I can picture him being so, so joyful about that fact, but he knew that their romance is a tragedy right from the beginning. He is a fallen angel, he can’t change his nature and he has transgressed against God in the worst possible way; by swearing eternal enmity towards Him.

I can’t picture him getting over them, even after they’ve passed and are thriving in the Celestial Realm

omg I'm gonna sob Alexa play Smile by Juice WRLD

Leviathan

We all know that Levi thinks of MC as his Henry, his number one best friend

And he’s right. There were no instances of their hangouts being anything more than platonic

When he first started falling for MC, he’d deny it like Mammon did

Him? In love with his best friend? Preposterous.

Eventually he’ll come to realise it though because they were probably watching hilarious videos on the Internet (cough Buzzfeed Unsolved cough) and Levi was so distracted because he was just staring at MC laughing suuuper hard at the video in pure awe. Like his lil demon heart just went doki doki

Pure joy is so beautiful on people and seeing it on MC?? They were  pulchritudinous

But even after coming to terms with it though, Levi becomes SUUUUPER shy and embarrassed about that fact that for the first few days, he avoided them because he couldn’t compose himself in their presence

Eventually our beautiful demon of envy will snap out of it by MC cornering him and tearfully telling him that they miss his company 

So now they spend even more time together and Levi will slowly become more confident around MC

This means soft, shy touches turn into ‘accidental’ brushes against them then to full lingering touches until finally, he becomes confident enough to throw his arms around them in a hug

Unfortunately, depending on the gender identity of MC, this may not fly all that well

In Islam, contact between opposite sexes whom you have no familial relation to/are not married to is considered a sin (I can elaborate in another post if anyone is interested in it though) and MC will have to politely turn him down, but this doesn’t mean that they hate him. It’s far, far from that

They have to be gentle in their explanation to Leviathan. This man’s self esteem is so low that if MC were to ever recoil from his touch, it would send him into a shame spiral and self deprecating thoughts that is much, much worse than before

So MC will have to remind him that they are Muslim, that they are bound to the services and will of God.

This reminder will destroy him though and his sin will absolutely consume him

He would become so, so envious of God that someone as amazing and wonderful as his MC is so dedicated to Him, and in his envy, comes wrath.

Though his wrath is not as potent as Satan’s, it is enough for him to act irrationally and ruin his friendship with MC

He just couldn’t stand to be around them because all he wanted to do is to hold them, kiss them and love them and his envy for them will become too much that he will start to breakdown because of it

I do picture him being a yandere though with his being the Avatar of Envy. If MC returns his feelings, it might be best that they keep it to themselves and not make it known because this man WILL latch on to them and never let them go

He would absolutely turn them against God if it meant he gets to be with them for eternity even after they die

[softly-savage-mint-yoongi]

Allotrope pt. 7 (FINALE)

Genre: Idolverse Pairing: Kim Junmyeon (Suho) x reader Warnings: Smut. Angst, and then more angst. Authors Note: This is it, the final chapter of a story I am so completely humbled to have been able to write. This story means so much to me and has truly helped me grow as a person in so many ways. I hope that by the end of this, it has helped you, too, in some way. Junmyeon deserves the world and I wish I could thank him enough for being my muse. Thank you for reading. prev. Words: 15k.

Panic. Absolute panic is the only way your brain can comprehend the raw energy bouncing around in your gut. Feelings of elation and terror swirling inside the confines of your organs, their chemicals mixing to create something bubbling and new, growing rapidly inside of you so thick and uncomfortable you feel as though you may burst. With your arrival home, you slam the door too harshly, sliding down against the sturdy, cool weight of it and grasp your head in your hands. Head between your knees, your brain gently reminds you, a message in the form of a memory of Junmyeon the last time he said these words to you, present for the last attack. Saying ‘I love you’, no less from him, was the last thing you would expect to trigger one, but that was the irony of having panic attacks; sometimes you never know. You concentrate intently, calming your breath enough to listen for the sound of your watch, reliably ticking away there on your wrist. It is one reason you prefer to wear an analog one, other than your preferences for their history. Tck, tck, tck, tck, rhythmically you listen, breathing deeply over the span of three seconds, releasing carbon dioxide in the following three. Over and over until your heart is beating normally again. Softly, automatic and easily ignored within the safety of your ribs. Then, to clarify and accept, you admit the thought into the quiet space of your apartment. “I love you, Junmyeon.” Reflexively, your fingertips raise to shield your lips, hovering a centimeter away. Your heart beats a little faster with the admission but is easily pacified without much effort. A smile grows on your lips behind them, amusement consuming the panic and coloring your cheeks in a blush for only inanimate objects to see. It feels silly to look around your apartment, knowing there is no one to hear your confession. The following morning you can’t say you feel less terrified of it, your acceptance of the thoughts and ability to keep moving forward derailed somewhere as your mind raced into the future instead of sleeping. Conscious thoughts considered at first all of the possibilities as you had settled for sleep. Good things. Things like a confirmation of his feelings, a mirror of your own, and further ahead such as living together full time and eventually, hopefully a union of your love with matching golden bands on your fourth fingers, or a child you could only hope would have his cheeks and a head full of fluffy black hair. To growing older together and doing whatever pleased you so long as you were together. No doubt your brain decided, all of those beautiful moments were hopes planted without seeds, and you were stuck to watch a barren field grow nothing at all over time. Your fears and anxiety began to take them all away one by one, these hopes for the future you might never have at all, pulled backward through time like you were falling through a nightmare. Forced to see a life of fulfillment and love only to slip back through those times to relive the same life without any of the joy. You awoke this morning, barely able to call it waking at all, full of heartache. Your chest felt so heavy you even skipped your lecture and called out of work. Upon hearing of your absence Soohyun even offered to bring you something to help you feel better, assuming you were sick. No texts that required an answer came from Junmyeon, either. Only one bidding you to sleep well. When you ignored Soohyun’s text and the second day produced the same results from you, his persistence became annoying. You were perfectly malcontent there on your couch in the same pajamas you wore yesterday, and perhaps the day before, too. With hair unwashed, sagging in the bun atop your head and a three-hour old mug of half-drank black coffee in your hands. There on your couch you scrutinized every aspect of your life and felt nothing at all. Soohyun let himself in of course, as he always did when he felt it was necessary. You knew by the sound of the keys outside of the door and the weighty footfalls of his frame it was him. The one person you trusted to see every ugly facet of you because although he was extremely dear to you, he is not the one that makes you feel like his existence is your tether to the world, and therefore, not as scary to face. He says nothing at all. Uncomfortably in the silence, you listen to him close the door, toe off his shoes, and set something in a plastic grocery bag on the counter. He opens your refrigerator and pops the lid on something. You remain silent still, listening to the domesticity of him opening cupboards in your kitchen and the sound of noodles being stirred and plated. The sounds toy with your head, recalling memories of another man doing the same thing, but vivid imagery came with those memories. The sound of the plate gently clacking against the microwave platter and the door closing, buttons beeping and whirring. Stuck in your memory of him, you whip your head around, too enticing to see if it’s really your lover standing in your kitchen and looking back at you with a smile and his arms folded across the thickness of his warm chest. If this is all just a dream. The reality is half the same, the setting, but the way you do not find Junmyeon’s eyes or smile, but Soohyun’s face full of surprise but also worry rip the air from your lungs with a sob. You’re not even sure when you started crying, but the tears continue to blur your vision. “Oh, Y/N.” Soohyun’s cologne fills your senses as he crosses the room to you. He takes the cold coffee cup from your hand, wincing at the stiffness of your fingers as he plucks them gently from the handle, and wraps your wilted frame into his arms. He holds you like this, coaxing out the agony of your bleeding heart. Minutes pass like this, and after your sobbing has quieted to a sniffled dripping of crystal tears from your lashes, Soohyun sets you back onto the couch cushion, “Care to tell me what’s going on?” Your knees automatically rise to your chest and your arms find their way around the top of them. The rational part of you knows talking to Soohyun is what you should do, but it doesn’t make it any easier to persuade the chaotic petulance you feel. Your thoughts internalize, eyes fixated on the basket of blankets in the far corner of the living room, fingers rolling a stray thread from your pajamas around and around. “Y/N, try not to let your head get you all worked up. What’s going on?” your best friend urges, placing the weight of his large palm against your forearm. The action seems to ground you to reality. At least enough to make intentional, purposeful movements. Your eyes find his looking at you as they always do, with so much pure acceptance. “I love him. Really, Soohyun-“ you pause, brows knitting tightly for emphasis, “Like… I’m really in love with him.” The smile that he answers you with irritates you minutely, “Ah, I see. Well,” A pauses lapses between you until he thinks of what to ask, “What is it that’s scaring you about that?” It takes a full ten seconds before you answer, “A lot of things, but mostly because I don’t want to tell him and scare him off. I don’t think I could stomach chancing it just for him to know my feelings, Soo.” Your best friend draws a breath, nodding. Then he stares at you, “Okay. What else?” “Aren’t you going to tell me I’m being ridiculous?” you ask, peeking at him. He laughs a little, “In a minute, but I want to hear it all first. We can work on it all one piece at a time,” he reassures, batting your hand away gently when you take a half-hearted swat at his arm. “I don’t know what to do, Soohyun,” your throat bobs, constricting the words with anxiety as you admit it. More tears well at the edges of your eyes, and you take a deep breath to calm yourself. “I’m afraid, even if I tell him and even if he says he loves me back, I keep thinking for how long?” you voice, croaking the words. Another breath, “How long will I feel so happy and lucky but,” another breath, “how long can I take being suspended on a wire like that waiting to fall? It can’t last forever.” Soohyun coos, even though his expression is sheepish as if he hadn’t meant to slip, “Sorry.” “I just,” you sigh, wiping at your nose with the back of your hand, which Soohyun reaches to replace with tissues, “I feel like it’ll all go away someday. He will get tired of me or there will be some fight or something and I don’t want to hurt him or lose him. I keep having this nightmare that I’ll wake up one day at he won’t be there. That it’ll be like he never existed at all. “But you want to love him,” Soohyun confirms softly beside you, gently tugging until you’re sinking down to lean against his arm, no matter how gross your hair might be. “Yeah.” He hums briefly, considering, “Are you scared of being alone?” Truthfully, “Not really. It’s more like I’m afraid to start a life with him, because it’s so hard to go back to being alone if it doesn’t work out. To feeling that kind of heartbreak.” “What do you mean? Like permanently living together or sharing bank accounts and bills and stuff?” he asks. “Yeah. Like what if we bought a house together and then he decides ten years from now he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and then it’s too expensive for me to own a house alone so I’d have to sell it and find my own place again and it just gets really tangled. I can’t imagine being able to do anything other than just be heartbroken. How does a person move past someone like him?” Soohyun’s silent chuckle is given away by his bouncing chest, “I think you’re getting ahead of yourself, but-“ You cut him off, “No, I’m thinking about the future.” He pokes you in the cheek, “Let me finish, please. What I was going to say, is that I think you’re most afraid of the emotional damage that would cause you. I also think you need to look at this from your own perspective.” Raising your head, your confusion is evident after his last statement. “I mean,” he begins, “You’re saying this but what if it isn’t Junmyeon who isn’t happy ten years from now? Have you ever shared a life with someone like that? How do you know if you will be happy or not? And I’m not just talking about a house or bank accounts, Y/N.” Soohyun squeezes your frame as if to emphasize his point, “I’m talking about personally. Are you going to be okay sharing every aspect of yourself with someone else? If you want him to be that future with you, he will be closer to you than anyone has ever been. He will be the one who knows your deepest and darkest moments. Have you two even talked about all of those important things? What plans do you each have for your lives? Marriage, kids, politics, things like that.” Both of you pause and Soohyun sighs, “What if you don’t want to be together anymore at some point. How will you handle that? Do you think you’ll stay and be miserable with him if you wanted out?” “That’s impossible,” you correct. “Anything is possible, Y/N,” he says quietly. Shaking your head, you ignore him and lift your head from him with a face full of resolute determination, “I am telling you, that won’t happen.” Saying the words aloud, they feel right and sure as they form on your tongue. “Okay. Just saying, you never know.” It doesn’t help. He feels you stiffen at the thought, “But I also think he will be the one who has nothing but acceptance and support for anything you may need. He will be the one you lean on and cling to for the rest of your life.” Now that thought is something that blooms warmth in your chest and more tears to your eyes, but in a good way this time. You have already experienced that with him. Every obstacle you thought might scare him away he has done nothing but been patient and supportive of you. However, there’s a slight unease with the phrase ‘for the rest of your life’ that tinges the edge of the sweetness with fear. “Yeah, well,” you comment through the bashfulness, swallowing the anxiety that wants to raise your voice. He laughs, “You can’t argue with me!” The dull thud of your fist lightly thumping him on the chest brings you back to square one, unable to quell your worries for long, “But truly, Soohyun, honestly what if he doesn’t love me the way I love him? What if he doesn’t love me enough? I’m not worried about how much I love him.” you sit up suddenly, eyes wide and hands flurried, “I mean, look at him. He’s a celebrity, and a gentleman and too go-“ Soohyun’s hand clamps over your mouth immediately, “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. Stop thinking it in your head, too. Let me tell you something in case you have forgotten,” He stares at you pointedly to be sure you’ll keep quiet as he slowly removes his hand, “He may be a celebrity but do you remember what happened in those first few times you met with him?” “A lot of sex,” you comment dryly, and he smiles. “Well sure, but I remember you telling me so much about not the celebrity but the man with so much love and comfort for others and nothing but bleak loneliness and sadness for himself. About how easily you saw through him and how he told you he struggled with anxiety and his own self-worth. And,” he pauses for emphasis, “How you were there for him every time since you began this relationship. How you have helped him ease his own fears and doubts. Y/N, he needs you, too. More than you think. I think you see through him so easily that you sometimes dismiss his own feelings, even if you don’t mean to.” It helps. A lot more than you’re willing to accept right now while the anxiety still has hooks deep into you, “Thank you.” Soohyun smiles at you, “I think you just need to give it some time. Just because you realize you love him,” he makes explosive gestures with his hands, “Like really love him, doesn’t mean you have to go straight into making plans for rings and a mortgage and babies. Take your time, take it slow.” “Take it slow.” You repeat after him, nodding, lips in a pensive straight line. _____________________________________________ The following morning you wake feeling refreshed physically. Soohyun made sure you showered and that you slurped down a bowl of japchae and a few pieces of kimbap while he started a load of laundry for you. He made you clip your nails while he made you some tea and painted your toenails for you while you binged a new episode of your favorite show. He even made you take a nap, tossing your weighted blanket over your frame and leaving you to a peaceful slumber, locking the door behind him as he left. You’re a bit alarmed that you slept all afternoon, evening, and night. Checking your phone, you realize nearly 15 hours had passed. 05:17a, your phone reads, forcing you to hiss at the harsh light when you turn it over to check the time. You don’t have work until 10, but decide you can’t sleep any longer. Two unread text messages are awaiting you when you open the app. One from Soohyun wishing you a good night and to please call him if you need anything. The second is from Junmyeon, wishing you to sleep well and that he heard from Soohyun not to bother you because you’ve had a rough couple of days. He is worried that you’re so exhausted. Chewing your lip, you send Soohyun a simple thanks, and decide to see if Junmyeon is free to come over and see you later. You don’t want him to worry too much, and if you’re being honest with yourself, even through the anxiety, you still want to hold him and be near him. His response comes while you’re at work, just having woken up you assume. He tells you if he can finish recording before midnight he will come over, but stresses that he doesn’t want to keep you awake. During a quick break, you take a moment to assure him you’ve slept enough and will be wide awake. You don’t forget to add that you would really like to see him. Work goes by in an easy blur. You splurge on a fancy coffee and an extra shot of espresso to keep you awake on your way to the subway station. There is plenty of time to do some cleaning, make a meal and get a long hot shower. You even have time to wrap up an assignment for your worst class, feeling sour but proud that all of the time you spent unable to sleep, you managed to at least get ahead in a class that was otherwise the bane of your existence. When eleven thirty rolls around and you haven’t heard from him, you believe he isn’t coming. A very tiny but loud part of your brain says that’s fine and that you were afraid anyway. The bigger, softer and sensitive part of you misses him to such a degree that you sit on the couch wearing one of his hoodies, leaning on your palm and fighting off sleep with only the light of the table lamp beside you for company. You wake to the sound of the door clicking shut. Blearily, you squeeze your eyes shut at the harsh light from the lamp as you hear someone behind you. With a stiff neck, you turn and crack one eye open to see your favorite person trying his best to stay quiet. He smiles at you when he notices you’re awake, approaching you as he rounds the couch, draping his palm gently over your hair. “Hey,” he coos quietly, voice tinged with affection. Without much thought, you open your arms to reach for him, and he bends down to you. Still sleepy, it takes your mind a moment to realize he has lifted you into his arms as you pass the bathroom door. Your body melts into his familiar body with your arms around his shoulders. Burying your face in the crook of his neck, you inhale the faint scent of his cologne, still fragrant enough from this morning. “I missed you,” you mumble against his skin. “I missed you too, sweetheart.” He murmurs into your hair. He feels you take a deep breath against him, chuckling at the sigh of content that follows. Slowly, he deposits you among your unmade bed linens and pecks your forehead with his lips. A sound of protest rumbles in your chest, your lower lip falling outward in a pout. “Let me shower and I’ll come to bed,” he says, stripping himself of his sweater and tossing it into your clothes hamper beside the door. You hum with acquiescence, “What time is it?” Quietly, through your sleep-laden eyes, you watch him with a soft fondness that settles in your chest. Junmyeon sits at the foot of the bed briefly to peel off his socks and slacks, “Three twenty, sorry I’m so late.” Twisting himself just enough to reach, he kisses your lips. “It’s okay. I’m just glad to see you.” He looks at you for a moment with a lopsided grin and thankful eyes. His hand settles over yours in your lap, rubbing his thumb over your skin. Then, his warmth is gone. Your eyes drift shut again while you wait for him. You’re not sure what kind of sleep spell you are under when he finally crawls into your bed with you, but your body automatically seeks his warmth, asleep but with consciousness floating at the edges. Your boyfriend sighs, wrapping you in his arms and placing his lips in your hair. Snuggling closer, you let your arm fall over his ribs, settling your face into his naked chest. You mumble again, tongue loose in your spellbound stupor. When your brain finally makes sense of your words, you freeze, bolting upright as if cold water had been doused down your spine. Junmyeon groans beside you, already half asleep, “What’s wrong?” “I-“ you begin, covering your mouth with both hands and staring at him. Heat floods your cheeks, worry turns your bones to steel, “What did I just say?” He peeks at you with one eye, lips set in a confused line, “What?” He tries to pull you back down to him by the sleeve of the hoodie. You watch him for a moment longer, realizing he didn’t seem to hear you, “You didn’t hear me?” His slight annoyance at your outburst seems appropriate evidence that he did not in fact hear you at all. “Was I supposed to? I didn’t hear you say anything,” he confirms. “No,” you shake your head immediately, running your hand through your hair with a deep breath to calm your beating heart. “Will you lay down then? I just want to hold you and go to sleep, please.” His request is simple enough. You do as he asks, but it doesn’t stop you from lying awake for what seemed like the rest of the night. Finally, you fall into unconsciousness somewhere around the time the sun begins to open its eyes, easing into slumber as shapes outside your window begin to take form. You dream of Junmyeon. You dream of his hands and his voice and the relentless overwhelming feeling of good he gives you. You dream of his lips on your neck and his fingers blazing a fire under your hoodie, crawling up and up and up until his palm gently takes the globe of your breast in his hand and he moans. Dropping your lips open with a sigh, you can feel your pulse in your core. Your hips seem to roll back of their own accord, body singing without conscious effort in your sleep. “Fuck, I want to get woken up like this every day,” Junmyeon groans. Confused, you will your body to pause, and snap your eyes open. Oh. Whatever dreams you were having must have manifested physically, grinding yourself into your boyfriend to satiate the need. You turn your head just slightly, smiling into a kiss your lover steals the moment the opportunity presents itself. His palm has not forgotten where it lays, giving another squeeze and a soft pass of his fingers over your bud. It pulls a moan from your lips, bowing your spine to push your ass harder against his aching erection where it presses between your cheeks. The delicious friction makes you squeeze your thighs together, further surprising you when you realize how slick you are. “Good morning,” he coos with amusement. You have no time for words- you need him badly, and you need him now. It appears he doesn’t know how wet you are yet, so you show him. His brows furrow in concern briefly as you remove his hand from your chest beneath the hoodie. The expression morphs into a grin when he realizes what you’re doing while you drag his hand down into your panties. You watch, open-mouthed in anticipation when his face mirrors surprise at the first easy slide of his fingers through your soaked folds. “Holy shit,” he whispers, biting at his lip when he sinks two into your heat without any warning. He gives you one deep pump and you absolutely keen, feeling like you’ll burst. “Junmyeon, please,” you beg, falling onto your back the moment he hears your plea, sitting up to find a proper position. He shifts onto his knees quickly and removes his hand from your core. When he lifts his fingers and pulls them apart, you both groan at the thread of your arousal that stretches between them in the sunlight. Flexing your hips at the loss of contact, your lover pulls his attention back to you, working quickly to pull your hips up onto his thighs. He pulls your leggings down alone, just so he can marvel at the state of your panties. Embarrassment floods your cheeks and you push the hem of the black hoodie down in an attempt to cover yourself. With what you would call a soft display of possession, Junmyeon makes a sound of warning in his throat, gently pushing your hands away as he confesses, “You have no idea how hot this is.” “It’s embarrassing,” you whimper back to him. Your body feels hot, too hot. You’ve seldom been this turned on in your life, to the point of tear-inducing hysteria if you don’t find release soon. He smiles at you, his eyes tearing away from the sight of your mess to look directly at you. “I promise you this is nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re amazing, look at how wet you are.” Junmyeon can’t help himself while he talks, eyes drifting back to your cunt and two fingers petting down your folds over your underwear. “Don’t need to see it…” you whisper, throwing your arm over your eyes. He hums, “You’re right. I’m sure you can feel how messy you are.” The two fingers he used earlier find their way beneath the material, pushing it aside to fill you again. “How does it feel, sweetheart?” he asks when you cry out. “I feel like I’m going to burst,” you moan, unable to keep your hips still, meeting his fingers for every deep thrust. Your statement peaks some interest in your boyfriend. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and his thrusts become slower, almost exploratory as he pets them against your walls. The palm of his other hand lays just above your pubic bone, resting the weight of his hand there, but you barely notice. Being filled by something has you reeling in bliss. A second later, he must find what he’s looking for. His digits set an unexpected pace, spearing you in a delicious tempo. You feel so good, “So fucking good, oh my god Junmyeon, yes!” He’s hitting some spot inside of you that spins that coil in you tighter and tighter until you’re right at the edge. Then his fingers are gone, but you’re screaming. Your eyes open and Junmyeon groans in awe at the fluid that has suddenly ruptured from you. Just briefly, but even in your pleasure, embarrassment is stronger. You clamp your legs together tightly, whimpering at the electricity that fizzles in every nerve of your body. “I’m sorry, that was-“ you begin, cut short by the feel of Junmyeon’s lips on yours and his tongue begging for entrance immediately. He's leaning over you now, fingers deftly yanking your panties down and off. You moan into his mouth when you feel the burning length of his cock lay against your dripping core. His lips leave yours just enough to speak, “Never be sorry. I’m happy I could make you squirt.” You smack him in the back, “Shut up!” you complain, still embarrassed. “You are incredible,” he reminds you, hands full of his hips while he pulls his own back precisely enough to tip himself at the perfect angle. You’re well practiced now with each other, able to satisfy efficiently with little to no error. You’re comfortable to give and take from each other without need for conversation, like now. Junmyeon doesn’t ask if you need him to fill you- he knows. He doesn’t ask how you want it and you don’t ask him if this is okay for him. It’s written plainly between you in the blood heating your faces, the sounds spilling between your sweating bodies, the eager yet affectionate way you’re holding onto parts of each other. It's clear in the way you let yourself relax back into the mattress with eyes closed and blissed out. In the way he leans protectively over your body with his own, needing to be closer and closer still when he laces his fingers into yours with both hands. In the way your panting moans grow in octave as your orgasm approaches and roars through you as you pull your hands away only to pull him down, flush atop you while you ride it out. It is clear in the way he, too, seems to melt into your frame, even as he tenses and moans salaciously against the column of your throat when his peak follows. Neither of you say anything for a long moment, catching your breaths together in post coital bliss. You break the moment, feeling sticky and needing to get the bedding in the washing machine as soon as possible. Junmyeon whines the entire time, refusing to get off of you until you nearly roll him off of the bed completely. Grumbling cutely, he helps you strip the bed and takes the wad of linens from you with a kiss. He finds you in the bathroom when he’s finished, stripped and waiting for the showerhead’s water to turn warm. You invite him in with you, washing in content. You don’t speak, but your actions are loud. Loving, in these small moments of care for each other. When you’re finished and dressed and the coffee pot is started, Junmyeon collects your favorite mugs from the shelf and opens your medication, delivering one small pill to your palm with a kiss to your forehead. The affection of it squeezes your heart and drifts a smile across your face at the progress of such an event. Months back, him even knowing these pills existed within your life caused you extreme anxiety. You watch, reminiscing with a small smile, as he pours your coffee first, always the gentleman, before his own. He trails you back to the bedroom in silent happiness, where coffee mugs are placed on bedside tables and new bedding is waiting to be put on. Junmyeon helps you remake the bed, pulling you down into the soft thickness of the comforter when you’re finished. He forces you into his arms against your fake, feeble protesting, humming his comfort once you finally give up and settle into his warmth. Movement beyond the sheer curtain covering the windows catches your attention. “I think it’s snowing,” you murmur, lifting your chin to look at Junmyeon. Your boyfriend turns his head, exposing the expanse of his neck to you, calling you to place a gentle token of affection there with the pink of your lips. He smiles when he feels your lips against him, but lets you out of his grip to rise from the bed. He picks up his coffee and goes to the window. You join him, curious if you had been right as he moves the curtain with the back of his free hand. Surely enough, there are soft, chilled tufts of snow drifting by quietly, down to the street below. You watch, smile broadening at the pretty sight. Junmyeon seems to have gone still and quiet, and you turn to look at him with the feeling of his eyes on you. As if broken from a spell, he blinks at you, cheeks flooding with a delicate pink. He busys himself taking a swig of his coffee and leaning over to place his mug on the dresser beside the window. “You okay?” you ask, smiling at him with a gentle laugh. Your hand rises to his arm where it still has the curtain raised, and you hear him audibly sigh. “Y/N,” he whispers, swapping his arms so he can tug you against him. Wrapping your arms around his middle, you accept his needy invitation for cuddling with your face buried in the fabric of the sweatshirt he wears. You’re content, serotonin hydrating your heart with the sound of your name on his lips. Turning your head, you let it rest against his chest, hearing his heart beat and watching the snow drift from the top to the bottom of your window. “I love you,” Junmyeon says quietly. You realize suddenly how fast his heart is beating in his chest, and you’re frozen in a moment of time. When you lift your head, agonizingly slow, he meets your eyes with a mix of emotions. Some apprehension, curiosity, fear, affection and devotion- all flitting across the galaxy of his dark eyes in a myriad of microseconds. You feel lightheaded, remembering to breathe. It takes several seconds to swallow and gather the strength to speak. “No, you don’t.” His brows shove together and the stars in his eyes die a little, confused, “Yes, I do.” Shaking your head, you break away from his grasp, standing back to look at him. You want nothing more than to run back into his arms and let his words be true. You want to let yourself believe it is that easy. But you have to protect yourself, you need to have time, “You don’t mean that,” you say with more conviction, refusing to meet his pleading expression. Then, he steels his spine, feet planted firmly to the floor, and he sighs in frustration, “Y/N. I. Love. You. It doesn’t mean you have to say it back right now, or at all, or that we have to do something about it. It just felt right to let you know.” You lower your head and close your eyes as if that will help to do something, although you don’t know what. To stop the thoughts racing in your head or the pounding ache of your heart or the tears welling in your eyes or the fear turning your gut sour. To block out the truth of his words or to just let go. “I just,“ you try, exhaling deeply, “I think you should leave. I need to think.” Junmyeon frowns. Of course he is sad, but he does what you ask. His feet move quietly toward the door and you hear him don his shoes and shut the door behind him. He does not slam it, and you almost wish he did. It would make your guilt so much easier if he yelled at you or slammed the door. It would make the echo of his words, said with such blinding genuine care, feel a lot less like a wish whispered down a hollow well. Later that evening, you’re drunk. Drunk and sad, stumbling around in the snow in the park outside of your apartment building. You deliberately walk through a stick drawing of a heart and two initials, feeling rotten and lost and impulsive. Your feet carry you to a messier scene. More snow, divided by a plow, sprayed with dirty water from shoes and cars at the edges of the street in ugly clumps that look the way your heart feels. Annoyance settles over your frown. Your hands are toasty inside of your coat pockets but you have to keep removing one or the other to wipe at your chilled nose. You keep walking, and eventually pass a storefront with industrial steel and wood. It’s the sushi restaurant you went to with Junmyeon back in the spring. Looking up from your parade of snow-kicking, you see one of your favorite parks, with tall iron lamps glowing with their halogen bulbs. The light casts shadows across the small snow drifts, as if painted black with patterns of bare tree branches. Walking closer, a serene calm possesses your weary bones, calling you to take a seat on one of the benches- a small smile tugging your lips at the sound of the snow crunching under your weight. For the hell of it, you twist slightly, snuggling back into the lofty chill of it. The flakes fall slowly around you, still watching the shadows dancing across the untouched white. There’s something soothing in the blanket of silence around you- even in the middle of the city. A stolen moment like this at- you check your phone- three forty in the morning. You let your mind wander, until another presence interferes with your thoughts, unwelcome. Steeling yourself to tell someone off, your head turns slightly to the left to see a tall, skinny man standing under the next lamp with his hands stuffed into his jacket pockets. Then, he stoops down and collects a handful of snow, packs it into a tight ball, and immediately hurls it at you with half-hearted effort. “Ow, what the fuck?” you groan aloud, flinching away to shield yourself as he does it a second time, stepping closer. He sighs, “Don’t even act like that hurt. I could’ve thrown it harder.” You know this voice, watching for confirmation as he shakes the icy snow from his bare hands and pats them on his jeans. The sharp jawline of none other than Oh Sehun cuts through the shadow, and he is wearing a frown when you finally see his face. He simply stares at you for a long moment before he gives up and his frown deepens, “Fuck it.” In jeans probably more expensive than what you make in an average shift, he sits down on the snow covered bench beside you, hissing at the cold and wet feeling that surely seeps into his skin. You say nothing in reply, still enjoying the tingling buzz of alcohol in your veins, and the bite of chill at the tip of your nose. It’s another five or ten minutes before Sehun pipes up, “Care to tell me how you’re feeling right now?” When you face him, he’s watching you with a mix of apprehension and tenderness. “I’m feeling a lot of things,” you say, sniffling. You elaborate with a kick of your feet through the fluff of snow on the ground, “I’m worried, and scared and happy and disbelieving, to name a few.” Sehun hums, narrowing his eyes and squaring his jaw, “Do you feel inferior or unworthy? Do you not see how much he loves you?” Your mouth twists thoughtfully, “I feel like someday I will stop being enough. Someday I will stop being what he needs and loves. It’s happened before, and Sehun I’m-“ you choke, swallowing around the lump, “I’m so irrevocably in love with him that I am terrified of what that moment will feel like.” “What if that moment never comes?” He watches your face without judgement, and you appreciate him all the more for it. Clearing your throat, “How can I know it never will? I just need time to work up the courage.” He nods, “That’s fair, I suppose. As long as you know he is so disgustingly in deep with you.” His mock discomforted teasing pulls a quiet smile from you, and with it, a yawn. “Come on, let’s get you home. He wanted to come find you himself, but I didn’t think you’d want to be overwhelmed right now.” He pushes against your shoulder, urging you up, “I’m freezing my ass off out here.” “Did you track my phone?” you wonder, complying as he takes your shoulders and dusts the snow from your coat with his hands. He nods, “Come on, I brought the car. Should still be pretty warm.” _______________________________________ The following two days go by in a blur, and the uncertainty you feel ebbs away from your bones wearily, too exhausted to hang on. You go about your routine, you have to in order to stay afloat. You wake, go to class, go to work, shower, maybe do some homework, and then fall into a barely stable state of unconsciousness for a few hours before you’re up to do it all over again. In the back of your busy mind, you wonder, almost without feeling, if this is the moment. If now is the time, so soon, that Junmyeon has decided he is bored or you’re not worth this kind of trouble. You chew your lip instead of the end of your pencil, letting it tap against your cheek repeatedly. What if he is heartbroken by your refusal to accept his confession in the moment because fear made you yank up your walls just as he said the words? What if he has decided to pull his own walls up higher than you’re able to reach. What if this is the end? What if this is just the beginning? What if what if what if, the phrase parades around your thoughts like a vicious merry-go-round. You hate it. On the table, facing down to not be a distraction, your phone buzzes gently. Luckily, the sound it creates on the wood surface doesn’t disturb the other library patrons attempting to study. Stretching your back and twisting your tired neck, you pull your coffee closer, taking a sip and reeling at the warmth of it in one hand while you check the notification with the other. It's your security camera app. A clip of video featuring one fluffy-haired Junmyeon entering your apartment with his key and dropping off a manilla envelope. He lingers briefly beside the kitchen counter, fingers playing with the string of the envelope before he lays it down gingerly. Something seems odd, as if he doesn’t want to leave. After a few seconds, he looks up to the camera, possibly as if he knows you’re watching, gives a tight-lipped smile, and leaves. It leaves a strange feeling in your gut, normally he texts you when he is dropping something off to you. Perhaps now, since the camera was his idea, he doesn’t need to. You’ll see it from your phone. You release your lip from your teeth, soothing your tongue over the deep indentations of your teeth. Looking around, the library suddenly feels like an empty cathedral instead of a cozy place of coffee and books. It is the middle of December. Not many students linger this late in the afternoon so close to the holidays. With a sigh, you accept that your spell of focus and studying is over. Dogearing the page, you pack your bag and head out into the wind and setting sun. You don’t have work this evening, but a bath and a glass of wine to yourself sound like the perfect combination to hope for a restful night’s sleep. Entering your apartment, you eye the envelope on the counter, right where your boyfriend left it. Part of you wants to open it immediately and sate your curiosity. Part of you is apprehensive. There is a weighted feeling of importance coming from such a mysterious package. Perhaps after your bath and wine, you’ll have a second glass at the counter while you open it. Perhaps the first glass will calm you and give you enough courage to face whatever is inside. Decidedly, you do just that. Your phone even coos your favorite instrumental playlist from the counter in the bathroom, deliberately out of your reach. The gentle notes of the piano relax you into the warm suds, breathing deeply while you swallow, cheeks full of a simple white zinfandel. The weight of the chilled goblet in your palm feels just as comforting as the cozy swirls of lavender around your nakedness. Wrapped up in your favorite pajamas and wine refilled, you hold your breath when you reach for the package, swiping it from the counter to open from the comfort of the couch. You set the wine glass on the coffee table with extra care, keying up your anticipation. Peering inside the envelope, a handful of smaller envelopes peer up at you from inside. Odd, you muse, curiously letting them slide from the manilla onto the coffee table. There are six pieces, each labeled with a number, otherwise appearing identical. You take the first in your hands, and open it after another sip of wine. Immediately, you’re met with the familiar sight of Junmyeon’s handwriting. Letters, your mind answers for you. These are all letters. Reading the addressee line, more specifically these are letters he has written to you. ‘Ah… where to begin,’ the first sentence reads. ‘Would you know what I mean if I talked about that feeling you have when you are in someone’s presence and it feels right? Except perhaps a little more? Knowing that in time, you will feel complete while with that someone, but it’s not right away? That feeling of looking forward to building a completeness in your life with that person. That feeling. I met someone last night who gave me that feeling. That feeling that I immediately knew I would be whole with her someday. At first, it was scary. Altogether so vexing and complex I couldn’t do anything other than feel totally stunned every time she came close. I felt terrible for my behavior in those first few minutes. The weight of the passage of time pressed against my ribcage the longer we sat at the table, the less of an unknown length to be spent in her presence was so jarring to me it took all of my resolve to pull it together and start a conversation with her. I’m not usually one who believes in the phrase ‘meant to be’, but I absolutely could not shake the feeling of this woman and the few simple words we shared. I liked everything about her. Beyond the physical, too. The expressions that passed over her face. The fire of her personality and the air of dignity and resolute calm that seemed to carve a home in her bones as she worked. Everything I could assess about her as a person from my seat at the table, I couldn’t look away. She seemed to understand there was some sort of cosmic interference between us. All of the moments where I knew for a fact she wasn’t watching me, the depth of her eyes would catch me in the act of watching her work. They would settle on me, and sometimes I would be overcome with the weightlessness of space, or what I imagine it would feel like. Vast and unending, and at peace. We played a sort of game when I realized, with a great complexity of emotion, she knew who I was. It was more than just my name, and that was not something I had anticipated. The way she spoke to me and looked at me, as if by no great feat, I were just myself. Nothing more, nothing less. Not an idol, but a person. I briefly wondered if I knew her from childhood, but could not gather any substantial evidence in my memory. I did something that I’ve never done in my lifetime. Of my own volition, even. The thought of separating from her without knowing if I would ever see her again was something that I couldn’t accept. As if burned or suffocating. The feeling that causes you to move without thinking to escape discomfort. I invited her to the hotel we were staying in while our dorms were being moved. Normally, I might consider that a ridiculous notion, one I didn’t think I would ever hold myself to entertain while in this industry. And yet… regardless of our intentions if the answer were yes, I needed to know if there was a mutual itch to scratch, only sated by one another. Even without the recollection of her presence still so fresh in my mind, my skin, my bones, I think I could remember with perfect clarity how much she was able to move me. To feel as if I could move mountains with my bare hands as long as she kept looking at me. It's terrifying, and elating. She fell asleep easily, tucked adorably against my side. I hardly slept, too wound up with thoughts racing across the sky in my mind, seeking constellations to tell stories foretold about she and I. Hoping for more minutes with her. Hoping that minutes would turn into hours, to days, to years… To a lifetime. I fell asleep, my mind too exhausted to continue coherent thought. When I woke, she was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t be sure why. Whether it be her own schedule or that we hadn’t detailed what exactly our coupling was supposed to be. All I know was what I am feeling. Sadness, disappointment, even slight shame. Not that what we had done was wrong, but that I couldn’t hold on hard enough to keep her here. I have no way of contacting her, and without knowing her thoughts, I refuse to be the kind of man who shows up where she works. Perhaps she doesn’t want to see me again. I will go about my routines, wondering whether or not I’d hurt her, whether or not she felt regret. I will spend however long it takes, wondering if I might ever see her again, and feeling a hollowness in my chest I hadn’t know was there all along before I felt her filling that void so perfectly.’ You don’t realize at first that you’re crying by the end of the letter. Tears quietly slip from your eyes, and your hands tremble just enough to make the paper move noticeably, the bottom of it smattered with a few wet drops. Clutching the page to your chest, you let your head roll back and your lungs inhale a deep breath. Your heart hurts for him, nearly a year ago as these words he has written make themselves known to you. His thoughts and feelings that first night you met last December. You ignore the question of why he wrote these letters but know exactly the reason why he has given them to you. It feels too easy, too surreal that he knew someday you would question, and he kept these as an investment. Proof of his truth. Pain aches bitterly in your chest at how you pushed him out a few days ago. At how deeply and complexly he knew right from the start how much you mean to him. You empty your wine glass in a series of greedy swallows, needing your empty goblet as an excuse to stand up and breathe for a moment. Wiping your eyes, you have an idea and know just where to put these letters. From the top shelf of your closet, you pull down a small box, running your palm over the black leather with a smile as you place it on the coffee table. You move to the kitchen, returning to the couch seconds later with the half-empty wine bottle. You open the box and a small smile touches your features when you see the items inside. Not many, yet, but small tokens of memories and affection shared between you and Junmyeon. The tickets to the museum back in September, four polaroid photos taken on his camera in his room during a visit. The card he wrote you back in October, along with the bloom of a flower from the same day pressed between it. Obscurely and without his knowledge, a balled-up piece of paper with lyrics he wrote for his solo album on. Somehow, he deemed them unworthy, but you love the authenticity of them and his handwriting. You smile, letting your hand stir a few of the pieces before you set the lid back on it, deciding these letters will join the contents of the box when you’re finished. After pouring yourself another glass and carefully folding the first letter back into its packaging, you open the second. ‘Now it’s April, and somehow, on an errant walk with the peace of my own thoughts, I found you again. At first I hadn’t been sure it was you, or that my eyes were not playing tricks on me. After several minutes of short-circuiting, I was sure it was you on that bench. I hate to sound overly poetic, but you were too picturesque, as if the sun and all of the spring had been placed there just for you. As if you commanded the very season to flourish around your perpetuating serenity. Part of me was torn, not wanting to disturb the scene. The greater part was unwavering in my desire to approach you, if not just to have your eyes find mine briefly. I am too selfish to let you go this time, unless you explicitly demand it. Still, I had to steel myself, apprehensive of your intentions that morning. Luckily, your warmth toward me didn’t waver, and while I wanted to ask outright the questions that so often plagued my mind lately, I refrained. I couldn’t let the joy of the moment be ruined by bitterness. Your stomach growled, and I remember the comfort of falling into step beside you naturally as we walked. The colors of the season are more vivid in my head, and the sharp contrast of your red dress to the green everywhere did nothing but serve as an excuse for me to look only at you. While the food was worth the price, my stomach churned uncomfortably with the questions I needed answers to. The same questions I felt coming from you, and the confusion and hurt and desire. When you finally told me it was not a good idea, I felt my heart crack. Looking back, I wasn’t pleased with myself when I hissed out my reply. The pain was too momentous to control. That was the turning point. The conversations that followed as we went out onto the street. It dawned on me then, that with my own anxiety and shortcomings, you had your own self-doubts. You made it clear that you saw me as the stars, and yourself little more than a spectator of them, out of reach. I realized in that moment how similar we are, and an overwhelming need to know more about you passed through me. I am always thankful and comforted when I think back on that conversation. The relief I felt when you told me you didn’t regret it and that you wanted me as badly as I wanted you. Still want you, for the record. You defended me from even myself so vehemently, all while fighting the idea of indulging in the moment. Not just for your own benefit, but mine, too. It was clear how much you worried over thoughts for the future, and the consideration of my feelings and your own thereafter. I’m very thankful, but I’m sure that must be exhausting. I desperately want you in my life, no matter how busy that is, and I am holding my breath in hope that you’ll want me in yours just the same. The sex… by far, has always been indescribably real. Connecting with you in such a fashion, well, I won’t touch on it, because that isn’t what this is about. Even though I can count our meetings on one hand, this one is my favorite, so far. Not just because of the sex, but the conversation, and the connection I felt with you through all of the planes of existence. I won’t lie, it was insurmountably frightening the moment you looked at me in the shower. More than my face, or my eyes. It took you one second to permeate the deepest center of my heart, and I could feel the warmth and safety of your soul holding mine. Oh my god, I am so cheesy. We shared tender thoughts, and with them, pain and suffering. I like to think it was necessary in order to move forward, and I find myself wanting to grow more and more with you. Slowly, if you accept that. I don’t want to rush into things, and I want to understand you better. I want to do this right. Even in the small, intimate moments while we ate dinner and just laid together, were blissful. I found myself unable to conjure any worries about problems I face, and even the physical manifestation of my anxiety… with you I had no sudden urge to run away and hide it. I had no feeling other than pure acceptance knowing that you were seeing a flaw of mine. You rolled with it, completely and utterly acknowledging of my existence as a person and not just an idol. Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly so soon, and why I am so cognizant of it, rather than terrified as I should be. When I woke the next morning with your scent and your warmth still beside me, I was happier than I anticipated I would be? That sounds so peculiar, I know, but I was- even with the chaos that soon unraveled thereafter. Still, wrapped up in new feelings and rushing to meet a schedule, I scolded myself when I left you standing in the elevator lobby without any way to stay in contact. If there are and powers or fates in this life, I am wishing for them to bring us together again. One way or another, I will find you again.’ Immediately, with as much delicacy as you can muster in your need to keep reading, you fold the pages of the second letter back into it’s envelope with a smile on your face. Reading Junmyeon’s thoughts on your meetings was not what you had expected this package to be. It is a wonderful gift, and one you now know he did for you, even all of those months ago. The third letter is on a different kind of paper and the ink is blue instead of black, but the differences only make you smile at the possibility that he was still thinking of writing this for you when he might have been somewhere else in the world. ‘Even at thirty-eight thousand feet, I am still thinking of you.’ Reads the first line, and you smile knowing your intuition was spot on. ‘I’m thinking of the third time I saw you. Standing still on the dance floor, with brows furrowed cutely and looking around for something. Until you quickly looked up at me, and I felt heat rise to my cheeks when you smiled. The way you jumped as if I had shocked you, I felt it too. All night it drove me crazy the way I could feel this tether to you. Even in a space full of others, at the club, in the car, at the karaoke room- there was a strange sense of presence. As if I could see and hear everyone, even participated in conversations, but from underwater? Suddenly I noticed that perhaps that is how my life has been all along, but the moment we would touch would be as if everything around were in such perfect clarity it felt like I was there for the first time. I know that sounds crazy. It drove me crazy, but I gave you whatever emotion space you wanted. I didn’t push what we were, didn’t try to pressure you into acknowledging the tension between us as more than sexual compatibility. Then, in the darkness of that awful karaoke bar, I broke. I knew Jongdae wasn’t a threat- he has a girlfriend. I knew everything was fine but found myself exiting the room to look for you anyway. Then, you provoked me and I can’t help but wonder if you wanted me to be the aggressor all along. If you wanted me to be the one to break first and make a claim. I’m not upset about it, really. It worked out in the end, right? Still, the thought of you being with someone else the way you’ve been with me is very painful. Luckily, I was and still am confident in what we have. That it is profound. The moment you spilled the truth I felt high. Not like a drug high but untouchable nonetheless. Powerfully, cosmically existent in that moment, and all I could do was kiss you. I knew it didn’t mean we had jumped from point A to point Z, but A to B was still progress forward. I can’t help but smile when I remember the cute, embarrassed way you tried to explain that to Jongin later on. Take no mind- I am not looking to rush into a relationship. I am happy with small steps, and to finally have your contact information.’ You’re smiling and laughing by the end of this letter. You feel a little bit better, and a whole lot more in love with the man who wrote these. Part of you in a little sad at how short this third one is, but he has spoiled you, and you consider his schedule and lack of privacy in writing these. Quickly, with the woeful glee of having to put down the best book of all time, you rush to relieve your bladder of the wine you’ve consumed this evening. A very small wedge of your consciousness notes the way your mood has shifted for the better at this simple and thoughtful gift. At the confirmations of his feelings and his thoughts that you’ve spent months trying to guess. You realize that perhaps you were not communicating as openly as you thought you were. A lot of guessing and assuming about one another over the last year makes you feel a little bit silly, but you smile nonetheless at the progress and growth you’ve done. Situated back on the couch comfortably, you fold the third letter back into it’s envelope with a contented hum, replacing it in your hands with the fourth. This one feels heavier and thicker, with more pages. ‘You are my girlfriend now, as I write this letter.’ He starts, and you can clearly conjure the image of a grin that would be warming his cheeks as he wrote that line. ‘Progress, and good progress at that, feels very fulfilling. Although my schedules keep me from seeing you as often as I would like, I feel satisfied with being able to contact you regularly while I go about my business. The weeks we have spent getting to know one another, talking and texting and video chatting have been nothing short of a blessing. It makes me realize how much people, myself included, can take this kind of simple connection for granted. I spent some weeks without a way to contact you, so I do my best to be more thankful for it now. In the last few weeks, it has felt like war with ourselves and what we could be, and I sincerely apologize if I ever seemed frustrated at you- I am not, and never was. You have always been right to be cautious and you are so considerate of my feelings and then your own, even if the consideration isn’t a good one. It doesn’t matter now, and I can’t say I am regretful that we spent time weighing those things out. It may seem silly or superstitious but I feel like our relationship is deeper and we have a better understanding of what we are to one another now that we have been through that together. Had we rushed into it without more concern, I might be wary of how strong we are. I was embarrassed when I called to tell you about the incident with the interviewer in the States. There was a lot happening and I was not sure on what was going to come of us yet. I was very surprised by how strong the repulsion to lie about us felt, and I failed to keep it off of my face and out of my professional life. Looking back, especially after calling you, I am sorry if it caused you any panic. I had a long discussion with the managers and Mr. Lee when I got back, but it was after I had talked to Jongdae on the plane about it, and he gave me a lot of good advice on how to deal with it publicly. Please do not misunderstand or have doubts about what I told you- I was never pressured or given an ultimatum about you. I told them that being with or without you was not negotiable before it even began. Typically, I am not the one to speak up in such a momentous conversation, but I have only ever been so sure about something twice in my life. First, about being a singer, and second, about being with you. In the end, I was told it would only be a problem if the behavior continued. Eventually, we would have to go public, but I am free to keep my private life as such so long as I can maintain my idol publicity separately. Still, I needed some space from the familiarity and constant reminder of stress. I left, without telling anyone where I was going or for how long, to blow off steam. The shock was pleasant when you told me you were accepting of a relationship. I was happy and thought perhaps you had talked about it to Soohyun, the same way I talk to Sehun. Those two are ridiculous. It helped melt the stress I’d been feeling with work. My feet carried me to your apartment anyway, now that I knew how to get there. Even if I wanted to refrain or resist, I knew you, in any form, would be the balm of relief I needed. I was prepared to hold you and talk and just let your presence ease away the anxiety. The last thing I was expecting was the gift of news you wanted more. I had been back and forth with it in my own head, whether or not I should have even told you. Since the beginning of our perpetual theories concerning the start of a relationship, I knew there was something you were not telling me. Don’t take it the wrong way- I don’t hold it against you, and I don’t expect you to tell me everything right away. Earning enough trust and comfort with me to tell me when you’re ready is enough. That is not the reason I didn’t want to say anything at first. More that you seemed… tense or stressed about your own internal deliberating. I’ve seen first-hand, you’re the type to put others before yourself, so I didn’t want to burden you with that. It felt like taking advantage of you to do so. Then, with the simple confession of wanting this, of wanting me, and wanting me with you, it changed. I trusted you enough to let you in. You wanted to help me, and I am incredibly grateful. You’ve always wanted to help me, and I would be a blind fool if I ever considered that were not a priority for you, even from day one. By the end of the conversation, I felt more connected with you than I ever had before. I’m certain, at least in some sense, that was a bonus in the way you helped me relieve that stress. The way you took care of me, so to speak. Even the sex that followed seemed to have more weight or meaning. That it was more than just sex? When we settled into your bed I had a moment of realization that it was the first night I was sleeping in your bed with you, and that we were in a relationship. I was so exhausted, but I tried my best to remember every detail of your space. Although the way I woke up wasn’t that pleasant, I slept the best I had in weeks. I think I owe that to you. What happened thereafter, I know we’ve talked about it at length and that you’re okay, but I feel like part of your love language are words of affirmation. With that in mind, I will say again that you will never have to be sorry for struggling. I understand, at least to some extent, what you’ve been through. It makes my heart ache to know you’ve been through a similar pain to mine and the perpetual, vicious cycle of hate and doubt and fear within your own head. When I think about it, you amaze me. Having been through that, and perhaps to people outside of you and I, you might appear mysterious or standoffish. Sehun’s words, not mine, but only at first I assure you. I realize it is how you greet the unknown parts of the world, to protect yourself. But then to get to know the caring and tender way you hold those close to you. Be it myself, Soohyun or even now Sehun and the rest of my members. The way you talk about memories of your Father. It fills me with such relief and that feels selfish and wrong. To be thankful that even after all you’ve been through, and to understand it so completely, that you still love. I understand it so well how you’ve guarded yourself and it takes work to peel back the walls layer by layer to let someone else care about you the way you care about your people. I will never push you, but please, please know I am working as hard as I can to gently peel back those layers and to earn enough trust to let me love you the way you deserve, even if you might not think you do. I know that there will be days where you look at the world as if everything is hateful and ugly, and I understand that I might not be able to help you. I really do, but I will never judge you for that. I will encourage you to continue with therapy and taking your medication and to love the world and to let it love you back. Hopefully, one by one, those instances of hate are less and less, replaced by better ones. I will protect you with everything I have and I am scared, too. Afraid that one day when the glimmer of idol life dies and I’m not in the spotlight, that everyone who has ever looked at me with adoration will turn away. That the name Junmyeon will never shine the way Suho does. I know I am not perfect. I never have been and I never will be, and that’s okay. It took me a long time to get through that, with therapy and my own medication. There was a lot of unhappiness and innate anxiety in understanding that when I am retired and finished, I will not be alone. That there will be other people, eight specifically, going through the same thing, right there beside me. Hopefully you will be, too. I remember the bliss of the rest of that morning. The pure, natural contempt to be in your apartment with you, such a place that has you so deeply instilled in every piece I never wanted to leave the safety of it.’ You feel a lump, but don’t let the tears fall from this letter. Looking back on Junmyeon’s last words to you, you wonder if somewhere within this letter is the time he first decided he loved you. He didn’t explicitly write it, but the way he wrote it gives you a sense that it was somewhere in these words. The fifth letter begins with the echo of a phrase you remember hearing him say the first time you woke up with him in his bed. ‘I’m happy. More specifically, I am happy with you. As worried as I was about having you over to the dorm for anything at all, I am pleased how much you fit into that space with grace and ease. Looking back, my worries were baseless. Every challenge I think you’re facing with me and my schedules and my members, you accept them and seem to move through them all without issue. It's relieving to be able to let you share even this part of myself. I know it has been something we’ve been back and forth on since we met, but I had been scared of the idea of sharing a part of Suho for once, instead of Junmyeon. Not that I doubted you- simply that I was uncomfortable, and not ready. With a sudden clarity it makes perfect sense why you were not keen on me being in your space, either. I’m happy we’ve moved past those fears. All of my members accept you, if you couldn’t tell. I have to take care of them, too. I couldn’t be selfish in inviting you into a home that is not only mine without considering their opinions. Even the members that weren’t present were on board with my invitation and happy for us to be where we are. Somewhere in this last week, I think I realized I love you. I’m not sure when, but somewhere between finally going to your apartment and today, I know it. I’m making a promise to both you and myself that I will tell you in person for the first time. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if it is any other way first, and I know you enough now to be sure I’ll probably be the one who says it first. I don’t even know if I’ll ever give you these letters, or when really they became less of a journal and more of a letter of confession. You can probably tell by the well-worn pages that I’ve read these several times by now. You might laugh if I ever tell you how many times I re-wrote them, too. Y/N, my sweetheart, I can’t even begin to describe how fond I am of you. Please tell me if I ever become overbearing or suffocating in my love for you. Were it not for the reprimanding I’d get, or the fact that we would have to go public (something I never want to put you through), I would shout it from the rooftop and scream it during every ending comment I make, on every stage in every part of the world.’ The fifth letter might be short, but it is sweet and you feel a bigger pang of guilt at having pushed him out knowing how much he loves you, now more than ever. You desperately want to call him. To have him back here in your arms and to tell him you’re sorry and confirm exactly how he feels is the same. Instead, you tell yourself to calm down, and read the last letter. It’s getting later, but you know he will still be awake when you’re finished and there is absolutely no way in hell you’ll be able to sleep without him tonight. So you quell your racing heart with a simple text. It doesn’t give anything away, and you hope you won’t have to wait long after you finish reading the last for him to show up at your door. ‘Please come over.’ You can’t hit send fast enough, and settle right in to reading the final letter. ‘This letter is a little different, because I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to write individual ones. I’m doing my best to remember the last few months with you and all of the memories we’ve made. I worry I’ll forget them if I don’t write them down soon enough, and I don’t know when these will ever make their way to you. I’ll give you all of the ones I’ve written so far once I think you’re ready to read them. I have a feeling a day will come when I tell you how I feel, and you’ll hide. I won’t be upset with you or judge you, I know it’s terrifying, and I think having these letters will be helpful. Perhaps once you see how well-worn some are, and how clearly I’m recalling the moments, you’ll know I’ve written them all with you in mind. How I am always thinking of you. How I love you. For weeks it has been hard not to tell you how I feel every time I open my mouth in your presence. Some moments smaller or bigger than others, but none any less meaningful than the one before it. I think my favorite, of all the adventures we’ve had over the summer, is dinner. The way you described summer and the magic of it- I don’t think you realized how much of that magic came from you. As if your smile were the spell that kept the world from falling asunder. Maybe it was because it was so close to the moment I first realized my feelings for you, only a week later, but it doesn’t matter. I enjoyed the museum a lot, too. More than a typical museum, the fun that we shared, even when things went a little sideways was still full of care and laughter. I don’t know if you could feel the culmination of my feelings brimming over in the rain later that day, or in the way I held you as if you were the world. I hope you felt it. Sometimes I was nervous when I would reach home with my bag and realize there was something else I left back at your place. Not that I minded, but I didn’t want you to feel like I did it intentionally or that I was invading your space. In hindsight it seems to have been perfectly natural, and I remember how shy you were to give me a key to your apartment. That surprising gift was unexpected, but one I keep close. I don’t know how many times I’ve thanked you for letting me have one and letting me be there whenever I want to. I hope you don’t mind if I thank you once more, honestly. You may not know this, but more than just for spending time with you- it is a safe place for me. It’s somewhere I can go and don’t have to hide and I can get away from the members and the constant reminder of the never-ending chaos of idolism. I can sleep and it is silent and if I’m lucky, you eventually appear beside me and I sleep better than I ever do at home. I can remember your fear leading up to Halloween about meeting other people at the company and being in the presence of new people as my girlfriend. I can also remember the taste of you right before that party, but I don’t want to have any… issues, while I’m writing this in the dance studio, so I won’t write about it. We’re working on choreography for some of the new tracks and brushing up on old favorites today. It’s never been a question I thought to ask you, but I’m curious what song is your favorite. I have a feeling, knowing the way you react to me as my alter ego, if Obsession is the answer. Things are going well with promotions. Perhaps I’ve complained a little too loudly about not getting to see you as often to our staff, but I was so shocked when you showed up to our stage yesterday! It was very thoughtful of them to invite you, and I was impressed none of the members got wind of it. What happened thereafter backstage… I hope you understand how much you mean to me and that I never wanted to pressure you like that. We were pushing boundaries all over the place, and while I was admittedly nervous at first to engage in sexual play with you while in that role, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I did it for you. It was all about you, and I can’t help but feel like I overstepped and perhaps instilled some doubts about us in you. Please know that was never my intention and I just as connected with you as I always do. I was, and still am thrilled to know you only want me. We both know I can be a bit jealous and possessive, so hearing that was delightful. However, I meant what I said- if it is mutual, I’m okay with it. Healthy, even, to have a little bit of adventure. Please don’t feel guilty about it, it kept me excited too. It’s good for us to talk about all kinds of things, even hard to swallow topics. I’m proud to be able to communicate openly with you, and I think it makes us stronger.’ You sigh, sad to see an end to his thoughts on paper, but feeling a sense of relief at his sentiments about your latest shenanigans, just days ago. Checking your phone, it appears that Junmyeon has read your message, but not responded yet, and you worry if he will or if he is upset. No, that can’t be right. Exactly as his letter has said, he knew a time would come that you would need to have some sort of evidence of his love when he finally told you. This is precisely what you needed him to say, and that he could already tell, even those months ago, that you might need this kind of investment to understand the truth is another piece of his love on its own. This collection of his feelings is so warm and whole that it brings more tears to the brim of your eyes, and you’re faced with the absolute truth that there’s no way he is upset with you. He was strategically waiting for you to return his feelings and the idea that you shoved him out makes the tears fall. You’re surprised to hear when the door opens and closes behind you, and when you turn around to face him, knowing it is him, he only gives you a dazzling smile as he slips off his shoes. Your boyfriend. Your Junmyeon, the one who, as crazy as that may seem, loves you as much as you love him. Gingerly, you set the last letter down, noticing it is still clutched in your fingers. “Hi, sweetheart.” He greets you from the entry. Marveling at him, you’re not convinced he is even real and standing here in your home looking like everything you’ve ever wanted and everything you’ll ever need. He grins, with the apples of his cheeks dusted rose from the cold sitting high and warm on his face. His eyes crinkle with mirth and he whispers, “That good, huh? No words?” You want to punch him for it, but perhaps softly, with your mouth. It doesn’t register for several seconds that you’ve been holding your breath, until you let it out and drag in fresh oxygen. It's enough to spur you into action, bounding from the couch and into his arms, uncaring if your tears stain his scarf. He doesn’t seem to mind, either, by the way he adjust so your arms wrap around him from inside of his unzipped coat. “Are you alright now?” he wonders aloud, not exactly looking for an answer but curiously chirping nonetheless because he wants the verbal confirmation that you are in fact, just fine. When you look up at him from the warmth of his sweatshirt and scarf with eyes full of magic, he is lost and in love all over again, until finally you say what he knows. “I love you.” You announce proudly to him, and the immediate gratification you feel melts any tension from your shoulders. His expression morphs into unbridled happiness, curling his lips into his mouth and scrunching his brows together as if the words were the sweetest thing he has ever heard. “Say it again,” he demands, “I’m selfish and I want to hear you say it again.” You smile, “I love you, Junmyeon.” He absolutely giggles. The pure glee that captures him as you step back with barely concealed impatience while shrugs off his coat and scarf is infectious, or maybe it’s the light and joyous sound of his laughter. In seconds he has scooped you into his arms and kisses you. You can feel his heart pounding right out of his chest where you’re pressed against it. When he breaks for air, he asks you, “Did you like them?” Setting you down on the couch, you refuse to part from him when he gets comfortable, crawling back into his lap and holding his face in your hands. Just to look at him and make sure he is actually here, you let the warmth of your hands flood his skin and he smiles up at you as if you the only thing in the universe worth looking at. There’s no rush to make it more than what it is, and you realize you haven’t answered his question. “I am beyond words to explain how much they mean to me.” You look behind you briefly to see them on the coffee table. “And,” you begin, moving some of his hair from his eyes, “I am so sorry.” His brows furrow together immediately, trying to hush your apology, but you press a finger to his lips before he can do more than groan in disapproval. “I mean it, let me apologize,” you coax. Only when he has settled do you remove your finger from his lips, tickled by his constant puckering to hiss it. “It took me reading these letters to finally learn that all this time you’ve done nothing but look out for me. You have always been there for me, taking all of my doubts in stride with a calm confidence I sometimes took as shallow or lukewarm feelings, and for that I am so sorry.” “In these letters you’ve told me about your own anxieties and fears, and I want to assure you the way you’ve always done for me by saying I will never turn away from you.” You hold his face again, gently cupping his cheeks and smiling sadly at the cute way his cheeks squish his face, “Ever.” You kiss his puckered lips and continue, “I am sorry I ever doubted you, even if you tell me I don’t need to be. It doesn’t feel fair that while I had all of these issues, you were there with nothing but faith, proclaiming with a profound clarity that we would both make it out on the other side, even if I couldn’t see it.” “Stop it,” he fusses gently. “No,” you poke the end of his nose and continue, “So I want you to know how sorry I am and that I promise you when I say I am in love with you- I mean it.” He smiles, “Can I talk now?” Grinning in return, you nod. “I didn’t write those letters to make you feel bad about yourself for having doubts or fears. It’s normal, and I didn’t always have just blind faith. I had my own doubts about how much you felt our connection and how deep your feelings for me were.” He rewards your silent attention with a quick, chaste kiss. “The answer is probably not, but do you know how protective your head is of your heart?” His hand rises to prod at your forehead gently. He explains further, “All of the defense it has created to keep you safe so you don’t get hurt again is not a bad thing. I just had to be patient, steady and sure about my feelings towards you. I knew you would figure it out.” “Looking back over the last year at the progress we’ve made, at least to me, has really made us stronger. Look at how far we’ve come, Y/N. Not just as individuals, but together. I don’t know if it looks the same as mine, but I imagine the colors of your world feel a lot richer with me in them, right?” He looks at your eyes for confirmation, and you nod, “It’s the same for me, too. You make me a better person, and I love you. The good and the bad and the sad and that’s okay. Relationships don’t have to be just good stuff all of the time. There is so much more complexity involved, but we’re supposed to be in it together.” “I know that now.” You affirm, laying your head on his shoulder and snuggling further into him. “Good.” He whispers, kissing your forehead. Already, you want to reread the letters. After a few silent moments pass between you listening to the sound of quiet happiness, you lift your head from his neck to look at him. “Can I tell you something?” you wonder aloud, letting your fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He looks up at you and hums, “You’re going to tell me anyway, aren’t you?” It pulls a smile to your lips as you nod, ensuring you have his full attention. Remembering the contents of the letters, you have to tease him as you admit, “My god you’re cheesy!” You’re now sure the sound of your mutual laughter is one of your favorites. It takes a minute for both of you to quell, settling into a pile of happiness. Once more, for good measure, you feel the urge to tell him again. Taking his cheeks in your hands again, you dip your head until your forehead rests on his and a kiss is granted to his lips. “I love you.” End.