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welcometothejianghu · 9 months

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Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 少年歌行/The Blood of Youth

The Blood of Youth is a 2022 live-action adaptation of the tale of a deposed, disabled, and incredibly cunty prince who's on his way back to settle the score with his asshole father, and the rag-tag band of weirdos he accumulates along the way, including Spear Girl, Bad Monk, and Fire Puppy (pictured above).

I hope you like shounen anime, because this is the most shounen anime something is allowed to be without actually being based on something running weekly in Shounen Jump. What if Nirvana in Fire were also Naruto? It would be the Blood of Youth.

This show is an underrated gem of action-packed fun that not nearly enough people in English-speaking fandom have seen. In an attempt to correct that -- and ahead of an announced second season and prequel in progress -- I'm here with five reasons you should try it out.

1. Zero thoughts head empty

You do not have to pay an enormous amount of attention to this show to understand what's going on. The show itself does not always know what's going on. It got distracted by a shiny object over there, and now we're all gearing up to go punch the shiny object. We'll get back to the main plot when we're done with the punching.

It has a million billion plot threads going on at any given moment. Bad guys roll in from sects you've never heard of before, using superpowers with stupid names, only to get kicked into next week. There's approximately eleventy thousand characters -- so many, in fact, that I ran into problems several times while making this rec post, because there aren't readily available photos of everyone I want to talk about. Just look at the DramaWiki cast list. See how it goes on for like fifty screens? That's a little what the show feels like.

Except I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing, because the show knows it's doing this, and it acts accordingly. It telegraphs pretty well who's important and who isn't (and then it goes out of its way to color-code the latter, which is handy). What you're left with is absolutely a manga-style plot, complete with training arcs and semi-relevant sidequests, all working up to the final boss match.

It is an extremely self-aware show. On multiple occasions, something would happen, I would crack a joke about it, and then a beat later the show itself would make the exact same joke. I wouldn't call it an outright comedy, but it's still very funny, and on purpose. It has no illusions about being some kind of profound, meaningful epic. Mostly it's just here for a good time.

Yet this lightheartedness is what makes the powerful emotional parts really powerful by contrast. The show is not stupid; it's just goofing around most of the time. When it knuckles down, it can be devastating. And you know what? It does wind up being profound and meaningful about some stuff. How about that.

So yeah, if you're up for something that bops merrily right along and only occasionally rips your heart out, here you go!

2. Putting the poly in polycule

Bisexuals, rejoice! It's representin' time!

Here you go, I made a relationship chart of about 40% of the show's potential and canonical ships. I could have included so many more, but I only had so much space on the image, so I had to leave out some amazing ones, like the sword hedgehog who's real into this one cougar who could easily wipe the floor with him, or the rich nerd who thinks he has a chance with the aforementioned hot butch, or the fancy MILF who cheated on the emperor with a dreamy jianghu man and is trying not to cheat on him again with a different, slightly less dreamy jianghu man. See? There's just so much.

I would also say these are not exclusive ships. They are extremely inclusive ships. I am a fan of most (though admittedly not all) of the pairings listed here, and in fact of many of the three-and-more-somes indicated by these lines. They're such a cuddle puddle of shared intense feelings that it's hard to imagine anyone getting more than mildly jealous. Moreover, the potential for romance does not get in the way of hetero friendships; a boy and a girl who are each dating other people can go do adventures together, and (mostly) nobody gets weird about it, which is nice. If anything, what makes the overall dynamic so polycule-like is how equally friends and love interests get treated, meaning that it's not difficult to see a lot of crossover potential between those two categories.

If you're like me, you're hesitant about canonical romance, especially when it's straight, mostly because so many straight love stories wind up being tiresome, gross, and/or skull-poundingly boring. You will then be pleasantly surprised by how the canon pairings with members of the main cast are not like this at all!

Xiao Se and Sikong Qianluo are the main textual romance, and golly gee, they're just cute as heck. As the chart above indicates, I like interpreting them as two Kinsey 6's who have found their single exceptions, Mulder-and-Scully-style. Maybe one of the best things about their relationship is that it gets sidelined all the time for the plot. They're not so busy being in love that they forget to get shit done. Then they get a bit of downtime and get to go on a date, and you're like, aww, those sweet gay disaster babies are gonna do a little bit of heterosexuality. Just precious.

Tang Lian and Fairy Rui are right up there with the cuteness. She's a sex-positive dancing beauty who wants to ride that pretty boy like she stole him, and he's a shy sword boy so tightly bottled up that he'll explode if he sees a bare ankle. Avoiding spoilers, I will simply say that this is a pairing of two relatively soft people, until a bad thing happens to one of them and the other hardens up about it. If that's your jam, they're here for you.

Lei Wujie and Ye Ruoye are probably the most magical and the most practical of the bunch. They have a beautiful, super-dreamy, really horny sword-dance meet-cute, complete with its own pop song ... and then that's it, they're basically just together. She likes him, he likes her, good for them. In-laws aside, it's a refreshingly low-drama situation. Besides, I always love it when the hypercompetent woman gets the sweet, devoted himbo who'd do anything for her. Ruoye's had a hard life, and she deserves someone who can dick her down good at night and make her a nourishing breakfast the next morning.

And then there is, of course, The Ship:

Xiao Se and Wuxin are canonical, textual soulmates. The show treats their dynamic as more important than any other. It's so important, in fact, that the show has to sideline Wuxin for huge parts of the drama, lest everything get too damn gay. They each get a boyfriend catch on the other. They both do fairly reckless things when the other is in trouble. They are the secret hidden happy ending to the series. They share the kind of ride-or-die relationship built on mutually being the hugest bitches in any given room. Whether or not you think this is romance, it is extremely romantic, and the series agrees as much as it can, all things considered.

And if none of those flavors of love float your boat? Well, have you considered ... eunuchs?

3. She likes e4e

So I'm on record as being real into eunuch characters, right? Well, if you're with me on that, you are in for a treat here, because these are some absolutely buck-wild eunuchs.

There's five main ones, and I can't even begin to scratch the surface of what's going there. Like, really, I don't even think I understood all of what was happening with them. They're kind of the bad guys, but then they're kind of the good guys, but then some of them are the bad guys, but then they're just working for the bad guys, but then they screw over the bad guys, and ... it's just a lot, okay? It's a lot, and it's all happening with this bunch of catty bitches.

Also, you would not believe the difficult time I had finding any images for this section. I guess for some reason, fandom isn't way into a bunch of canonically dickless color-coordinated middle-aged men in weird hats? Whatever, man, they are missing out. If, however, you have the good sense to be into the intense and complicated (semi-romantic??) relationships among colleagues who also professionally just happen to be missing their external genitalia, buddy, strap in (and maybe strap on, depending).

Don't let me oversell how much these guys are in the show. They're not. They're vaguely important at points throughout, and they become incredibly important near the end, but they're hardly main characters. They're mostly back at the palace, doing their various schemes and looking absolutely fantastic.

So if they're such a minor part of the story, why do they get their own selling point? Well, I think their presence is a good example of two specific things about the show:

Specific thing the first: It's so queer -- not gay, but queer. Thinking back to my last selling point, you will notice how many of those straight pairings may look normie on the outside, but once you get down to it are not playing by cishet rules. (For instance, I've seen a lot of people read Tang Lian's resistance to sexual advances as asexuality, which, sure!) Likewise, there are lots of incredibly important, intimate relationships that don't conform to standard romantic pair dynamics. Add to that a lot of bodies with unusual characteristics and conditions, and you've got the makings of plenty of delightful non-normative love stories.

Specific thing the second: There are so many things going on with so many side characters that there's a kink here for everyone. Don't care for eunuchs? How about slinky villains with mind-control powers? Devoted servants who would do anything for their masters? Former bad guys who owe life-debts to the good guys who saved them? Bonded pairs traipsing around the jianghu together? Sons nursing legitimate grudges against the men who killed their fathers? Alcoholic widowers with incredibly slutty necklines? Mysterious cross-dressers with unconvincing moustaches? Vengeful brides? Martial siblings? Murderous royals? Guilt-ridden half-siblings? Boring star-crossed lovers? All these and more! It's a smorgasbord of rarepair fuel!

Also, I just love these toxic drama queens. It's like if RuPaul's Drag Race had the authority to have you executed.

4. The most intriguing outfits I've ever seen in anything (and yes, I'm including Winter Begonia)

Time for a fashion show!

The asymmetrical fits, the detailed embroidery on everything, the brilliant colors -- everybody just looks so good. And yet everything still looks ... eh, I don't know if "practical" is the word I want, but at least wearable. Nobody's dragging ten-foot trains of fabric behind them or wrapped in eighty floofy layers of gauze (except Rui, but she's special). Their outfits are strange and elaborate, but they don't defy physics.

What's truly stunning is how often they get new outfits. Xiao Se alone changes clothes about once every other episode, and more if he's getting a flashback. He is the fashion plate of the whole series, and every look he serves is pitch-perfect.

They're not outright color-coded, but the main characters do have certain colors associated with them -- which is extra-fun when you watch those colors bleeding into their friends' clothes as their relationships get stronger. I also think -- and I'm willing to be proven wrong on this point, but I think I'm right -- that they recycle some characters' outfits into parts of other characters' outfits. On more than one occasion, I'd swear that Lei Wujie shows up wearing the left half of something Xiao Se was wearing a few episodes back (tailored to fit him, of course, because that dumb ponytail boy is tall).

Where I think the costume design gets massive points, though, is that the costumes are themselves adaptations.

Before the live-action series, there was a 2018 3D animated donghua. I have never watched the latter, but apparently the drama is intensely faithful to the animated visuals, to the point where some fights are shot-for-shot remakes.

Of course, you can do a lot more with unreal clothing and bodies in animation -- and you can show a lot more skin, at least according to Chinese content laws. The live-action costumers chose to preserve about as many of the appearance beats from the donghua as they could manage, while still accepting the limitations of real-life bodies and materials. You can see some side-by-side comparisons here. The live-action outfits manage to be instantly recognizable without being slavishly devoted recreating to their inspirations.

So if you're sick and tired of dreary, ill-lit shows with bland palettes, this vibrant, colorful drama may be just the thing for you. It's a rainbow from start to finish.

5. Actually a good central plot?

Despite all the wacky delightful shounen nonsense that this show has -- and it has a lot -- the core of the whole narrative, which is Xiao Se's story, is surprisingly great and cohesive.

The short version is this: Xiao Se used to be Xiao Chuhe, sixth prince and somewhat heir apparent. Then he and his jerk-ass dad had a falling-out that resulted in the prince's having his martial arts abilities all but taken from him. He's been living the life of a very well-dressed innkeeper for several years, trying to avoid all of that palace garbage. But now his jerk-ass dad is dying, which means that a lot of horrible decisions are finally having unfortunate consequences for everyone, and Xiao Se's got to get back in there to make sure everything does not go to shit and land someone terrible on the throne -- even if it has to mean taking it himself.

His central conflict is between what he used to be and what he's become. Does he miss being Xiao Chuhe, high-ranked martial artist and future emperor? Or is he happier being Xiao Se, long-suffering nobody who can barely run a business, much less hold his own in a fight? What would he be willing to do to get back what he's lost? What are his obligations to himself versus his obligations to everyone else? How much is he responsible for his father's bullshit? And why has he wound up having to babysit this stupid Fire Puppy?

It's okay, they're best friends now. Lei Wujie decided.

No spoilers, but I liked Xiao Se's ending a lot. I feel it's very true to the character and shows a real understanding of who he is and what he values. And really, at the end of the day, sometimes all you need for a happy ending is your girlfriend, your girlfriend's girlfriend, your girlfriend's girlfriend's boyfriend who's also your boyfriend, your other boyfriend, his girlfriend, and your long-distance for-real soulmate.

Feel like giving the youths a try?

You can find them on YouTube or on Viki. But be absolutely sure that no matter where you watch it, you make sure to go watch the epilogue as well. (And if you get real into the story, well, here's a link to information about all the other adaptations.)

You are also welcome for how I did not spend this post going off for five hundred years on how much I love Wuxin and his funky relationship to Buddhism. I figured that's way too niche of a selling point for most people, and might indeed have even been counterproductive. But know that I could have.

Also, I'm very happy about the announcement of a second season, because that's going to mean Liu Xueyi has to shave his head again, and he looks unbearably good with a shaved head.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention the whole motorcycle photoshoot?

In case you hadn't noticed, the whole cast is stupidly hot. Hachi machi.

#the blood of youth #少年歌行 #bloody youths #i made this #rec post #the party is a polycule #LeiDHD

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suffersinfandom · 10 months

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Alright, I’m gonna talk about Ed and abuse.

“Why? Why are you spending your precious time on Earth typing about some dumb fandom stuff when you could be doing literally anything else?”

In short, seeing the “Ed is an abuser who’s inevitably going to hurt Stede” takes has been driving me absolutely bonkers since I first noticed them. They’re not going away, so I have to essay about it.

In less-short: it’s because abuse is a serious thing and, as someone who’s experienced it, I get riled when it becomes a topic of discourse in my silly pirate fandom. It’s because it’s upsetting to read meta after meta accusing an indigenous man of being an abuser when the text doesn't support that reading. It’s because a lot of the abuse discourse in the fandom fails to separate real-life abuse from violence in a show. It’s because the vast majority of the abuse talk only acknowledges physical abuse which, while terrible, is not the only kind that hurts people and utterly destroys their lives.

It’s because calling Ed abusive or insisting that he’s a future abuser can harm people who are like him -- people who have suffered abuse or get angry sometimes or have hurt people when they were hurt. Victims of abuse, especially those who dealt with it in childhood, often fear becoming abusers themselves. They bottle up their anger for fear of hurting someone. They hurt themselves in a misguided attempt to protect others. They don’t need to see meta that enforces their fears.

Before I get into it…

I may as well come clean and say that I’m on team Ed absolutely isn’t abusive.

Plenty has been typed in Ed’s defense by POC in the fandom, so I’m not going to go into how deeply unfortunate it would be to make an indigenous main character an abuser. I’m just going to say that, when you consider OFMD’s genre and attitude towards violence, it seems clear to me that you can’t call Ed abusive without calling out other characters unless you have some kind of bias against Ed. His actions are deplorable in the real world, a bit much in OFMD’s world, deeply unhealthy, not okay by any means, and shitty and traumatizing for his crew, but they aren’t abusive.

Remember: Our Flag Means Death is a comedy with tons of over-the-top violence. If your theory is unrelentingly grim or looks at violence and its consequences in a real-world light, consider stepping back and remembering what genre the events of the show are happening in.

And if you think that only the violence committed by the indigenous lead is abuse, look at the actions of the other characters and ask yourself why Ed doesn’t get the same grace you’ve granted the others.

What is abuse in the real world?

Abuse “includes [a pattern of] behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate, or control a partner or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to. This can happen through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control.” (1)

“Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten someone. These behaviors are often more subtle and hard to identify but are just as serious as other types of abuse.” (2)

It’s important to emphasize that not all purposeful harm to another person, physical or otherwise, is abuse. “What abuse really means is control. When a truly abusive situation exists, it’s because one party is seeking to control the other through abuse.” (2)

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that involves one person intentionally harming another. That harm is meant to control, and it can take on more forms than just physical.

In our world, all abuse is terrible. Vitally, our world is not a pirate rom-com.

Adding context: what is abuse in Our Flag Means Death?

Our Flag Means Death is a romantic comedy with one core romantic couple, Ed and Stede, whose story takes priority over everything else. It can be dark, it can be serious, but it is, at its core, a comedy, and not a subtle one at that. (3) Sometimes things are just funny and that’s it.

The show’s meanings aren’t hidden under layers of red herrings and subtext; if you’re compelled to bring out the conspiracy corkboard, you’re probably in too deep.

But this isn’t just a rom-com: it’s a pirate rom-com, and that comes with gratuitous violence. Here’s a short, fun list of examples of things that we can consider canon-typical pirate violence:

Tying hostages to the mast and letting them cook a bit

Wanton murder during a raid (“Note the gusto!”)

Threatening a crush at gunpoint until they stab you

Whippies and yardies

Cutting off toes and feeding them to people “for a laugh”

Literally any violence directed at a racist (this violence is, in fact, good and encouraged)

There’s also the pirate-typical killing of other pirates. Duels don’t seem entirely unusual, and Izzy outright tries to get Stede killed at several points in season one. When Chauncey Badminton and the English navy show up after being summoned by Izzy, Stede’s life isn’t the only one on the line: the rest of the crew is also put in potentially life-threatening danger.

In short, Our Flag Means Death has a lot of violence and peril, and very few instances of violence (looking at you, Hornigold) are treated as anything other than socially acceptable. But do you know what’s really important in the show?

Feelings.

The way characters feel as a result of something is given an immense amount of weight. The show’s subtleties are in the realms of the mental and the emotional, and that’s where the real pain is too.

Nigel Badminton’s death was bad because it was emotionally and mentally devastating for Stede. Ed’s father’s murder was bad because it hurt him and forced him to create a monstrous alter ego to cope. Both of those men -- Nigel and Father Teach -- are totally acceptable casualties. Their deaths would be net positives (in this universe where abusers are punished for their behavior) if they hadn’t had such strong impacts on our leads.

Feelings are everything in Our Flag Means Death, and the feelings of our leads are the heart of the show. That’s where the story is. That’s where the complexity and ambiguity is.

So what is abuse in this context? The casual treatment of physical violence and the seriousness of emotional distress tell us to adjust our own moral judgments accordingly. Physical violence is everyday, straightforward, and often comedic; emotional violence is devastating and complicated. Physical violence is cartoonish and, often, part of a punchline. Emotional violence is real and raw and not a joking matter. Planning to murder a guy and steal his identity can be shrugged off; ditching your boyfriend after experiencing a traumatic event is more complicated.

When we ask ourselves if something in OFMD is abuse, we have to consider the act in the context of a rom-com that’s all about the feelings of two guys, set against the violent backdrop of piracy, and absolutely packed with people getting maimed and murdered in casual, comedic ways.

So...

Is Ed abusive in the context of the show?

No.

Aaaand we’re done!

Joking, joking. Obviously I’m going to pick out the examples of “abuse” that people cite and discuss each one, but first: we need to talk about Ed, violence, and anger.

Ed is not a violent person. He’s not full of rage that’s threatening to erupt at all times, and he’s not some kind of sadist who revels in hurting people. The violence of Blackbeard is a fuckery: it's the theater of fear, an illusion of cruelty calculated to terrify others into surrendering and obeying without (much) bloodshed.

Ed has his whole thing with murder that's rooted in childhood trauma. Killing his abusive father to protect his mother scars him so badly that he distances himself from the situation -- he blames Father Teach’s death on the Kraken, an invented monster. As a pirate, he creates loopholes and rules that technically put one step between him and killing (in his mind). He orders murders and causes deaths and maims and maintains his image as the bloodthirsty Blackbeard, but Ed doesn’t do “the big job” himself until the end of season two. When Stede’s life is in the balance, Ed can kill to protect him.

Edward Teach kills only to protect.

But that’s killing, and we’re talking about general violence. It's true that Ed is casual about the day-to-day violence of piracy. He participates in it, incites it, and doesn’t feel bad about it. No one does; violence is part of the job.

That leaves us with the "anger problem." Ed is sometimes characterized as an angry person who lashes out when enraged, and canon doesn't at all support this interpretation. Ed gets mad, yes, but his anger is always at least understandable (and, in my opinion, he's one of our more restrained characters). It isn’t a constant, simmering thing that turns him into an abusive monster when he’s triggered. He doesn't always deal with his anger -- or any of his other feelings -- in a good and constructive way because both of our leads lack emotional maturity, but I think it's a grave mistake to characterize him as an angry person.

Hopefully I can elaborate on this idea -- the idea that Ed is only violent and angry in a normal and canon-appropriate way, and anger is by no means one of his defining characteristics -- by doing a run-down of all of the times Ed is accused of being abusive or showing signs of being an abuser-in-the-making.

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Ed loses his shit on a falling snake during his nature adventure with Stede (S1E7). In this scene, he’s embarrassed about the treasure hunt, oblivious to Stede's intentions, and annoyed by the very existence of nature. He is not relaxed. When nature takes him by surprise, he stabs the crap out of it in a scene that is played for comedy. There’s the important part: this is comedy. Ed is grumpy and his childish tantrum is harmless and silly. It isn’t a red flag. Overreacting while irritated isn’t an indicator that someone will be abusive.

Ed punches Izzy after the English have taken the Revenge, captured Stede, and turned Ed over to Izzy (S1E9). Honestly, I think the fact that Ed lets Izzy talk before punching him demonstrates a great deal of restraint on his part. This is justified anger and fear for Stede’s life. This is not an indicator that Ed makes a habit of hitting Izzy.

In his post-pillow fort era, Ed is cleaning up his cabin when Izzy confronts him (S1E10). Izzy insults Ed, tells him that he’d be better off dead than as he currently is, and says that he serves only Blackbeard (Ed better watch his fucking step). Ed reacts by grabbing Izzy by the throat and telling him to choose his next words carefully. This is, in my opinion, a reasonable reaction and exactly the response Izzy was fishing for. The only pattern this scene indicates is one where Izzy goads Ed until he starts performing the violence expected of Blackbeard.

Which takes us to The Toe Scene.

In real life, it would be extremely fucked up for a boss to remove an employee’s toe and make him eat it. OFMD is not real life. One episode earlier, Ed was talking about the life he was glad to leave behind -- the life where The Toe Thing was done “for a laugh.” Not as punishment, but for fun. It’s set up as something that’s gross (“yuck”), not a grave punishment. When Ed feeds Izzy his toe, he gives Izzy what be asked for: he gives him a violent captain. He gives him Blackbeard. He gives him the guy who fed people toes for fun.

But what’s important here is that Ed is not having fun. He’s having a lot less fun than Izzy is, going by their expressions in the scene. This isn’t who he wants to be, but after having the possibility of a better life snatched away, Ed throws himself back into the sure thing. He becomes the Kraken -- the captain Izzy wants, the violent monster that Ed thinks he is and tries to distance himself from, and the only thing Ed thinks he can be. It’s sad. It’s desperation, not anger and abuse.

In the second season, Ed headbutts Stede after he’s revived from his coma-death (S2E4). In the next scene, Stede is holding a cold steak to his face and calling it an accident. Roach says “that’s what they all say” -- a line that alludes to domestic violence. The thing is? It’s not, and the crew has expectations of Ed that Stede doesn’t (as indicated by Stede's earlier assertion that Ed's a nice guy in response to Olu's concern that Ed will kill him).

Ed is freshly out of a coma (or newly alive). He’s nonverbal. His brain is, medically speaking, couscous. He still has one foot in the gravy basket. When he sees the man who left him hovering over him -- the man he loves, the man who just appeared to him as a mermaid -- he tries to say something. When that fails, he resorts to a headbutt. This is a single violent action perpetrated by a confused and hurt man who doesn’t know what to do with all of his feelings. He can't talk. He can't push Stede away.

Stede understands all of this, even if the other characters don’t. He sees the headbutt for what it is: a bit of a bitchy move. He isn’t afraid of Ed. He never is.

Stede also isn’t afraid of Ed when he acts out later that episode. When Ed learns that Stede went back to Mary, he excuses himself from the dinner table, smashes a chair against the wall, and knocks a vase to the ground. In this entire episode (this entire season), Ed is having intense feelings that he doesn’t know how to express or work through. The reveal that Stede returned to his wife is the final straw. He takes his tangled feelings out on an acceptable target (a chair, a vase) instead of Stede because he doesn’t want to hurt Stede.

This looks like displacement -- when “an unacceptable feeling or thought about a person, place or thing is redirected towards a safer target.” Displacement is an “intermediate level coping mechanism.” That is, it’s more sophisticated than the ways children deal with intense issues, but it’s still not entirely mature. In an adult, it indicates a level of emotional immaturity. (4) Ed is emotionally immature, not inherently violent. He gets overwhelmed by his feelings and lashes out -- not at a person, but at something that can’t get hurt.

Displacement is not an indicator that someone is an abuser. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s an attempt at emotional regulation. It’s not the best coping mechanism, but it’s not a sign that someone is going to go into a rage and assault people.

Stede cringes when Ed smashes the chair and sends the vase crashing to the ground, but he’s not afraid of Ed. He is never afraid of Ed because he knows that Ed isn’t a real threat to him. He cringes because sometimes that's what a person does when a loud thing happens. That's what people do when chair shrapnel starts flying. Also? It's kind of embarrassing behavior on Ed's part. They're guests enjoying a mediocre dinner! That's no way to act!

And this leaves us with the first two episodes of season two.

Ed is fully in his Kraken era. He has no hope that Stede will return, he no longer trusts the crew, and he feels trapped in a life he absolutely doesn’t want. He thinks that he has to perform Blackbeard until death sets him free. He sobs in his cabin when no one’s looking. Publicly, Ed fades into the role of remorseless and bloodthirsty pirate captain.

Needless to say, this makes for a shit work environment. Ed works the crew (and himself) too hard. He drinks and does drugs (note that his drug of choice is rhino horn -- visually coded as cocaine -- instead of alcohol, the drug associated with his father) and runs everyone ragged. He’s an absolutely terrible boss, but he isn’t abusive.

That isn’t to say that the crew left on the Revenge isn’t traumatized. They are! They’ve been thrown off balance by the sudden change for the worse in someone who was previously a pretty cool guy, and they’re traumatized by the neverending violence that the constant raids -- raids that are bloody and deadly, not the fuckeries of the past -- demand of them. They’re traumatized by that final night in the storm when Ed does everything in his power to goad them into killing him, almost murdering everyone in the process. They’re traumatized by their own attempt at murder and their own capacities for violence.

In S2E4, Blackbeard’s crew has flashbacks to the violence they perpetrated under the Kraken: Jim fighting Archie, Fang breaking a man over his knee. They’re haunted by guilt about what they did to Ed, as evidenced by their Lady Macbeth-style scrubbing. Their own violence is a significant part of their trauma.

No, that doesn’t absolve Ed. He drove the violence -- demanded it of both the crew and himself. He hurt other people because he was hurting, and that’s terrible.

Ed’s behavior in the first two episodes of season two is horrible, especially when his desperation reaches a fever pitch, but there's no attempt to control and no habitual mistreatment. Nothing he's doing is normal for him. He's spiraling and unraveling and pulling the world apart around him. Not all bad or violent behavior is abuse.

(We also have to ask ourselves just how bad Ed’s behavior really is. Archie, someone from the pirate world who has no idea what the Revenge was like pre-Kraken, tells Jim “that’s how these things usually go” at the height of Ed’s violence. She doesn’t act like she experienced anything out of the ordinary.)

But what about Izzy?

What about Izzy indeed. Let’s walk through the first two episodes.

One of the first things we see Ed do in season two is shoot a man. At first this seems like the show telling us that Ed is embracing the kind of violence he couldn’t manage before, but if we pay attention, we can see that he’s still following his “not a murderer on a technicality” logic. The man he shoots has a sword through his chest; he's as good as dead. He also falls offscreen before Ed shoots, making the action less impactful.

OFMD is not subtle and this is a quick way to communicate what’s going on with Ed. He’s not doing well and he’s more violent than he was last season, but he’s still himself under the Kraken’s makeup. He hasn’t done a moral one-eighty. If the show wanted us to think that Ed's a monster, they would have made him a hell of a lot more violent.

So. Izzy.

Immediately after Ed tells Izzy that he’s replaceable in S2E1, we reach the scene that some point to as proof of domestic violence. This is where Izzy breaks down because he has just been told in no uncertain terms that he’s not Blackbeard’s special little guy. That’s devastating to him, and he cries when the crew approaches him with kindness and sympathy.

Jim tells Izzy he’s in an unhealthy relationship with Blackbeard. Frenchie describes their relationship as “toxic.”

A toxic relationship is “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness." (5) And you know what? Yes, Ed and Izzy definitely have a toxic relationship. And is their relationship unhealthy? It sure is -- for both of them. But the crew is, understandably, more sympathetic towards Izzy because they’ve never been present when Izzy was hurting Ed.

(Only tangentially related, but the crew must have really liked Ed pre-Kraken. As far as they know, the man went dark with no warning or cause. They deal with him for approximately three months (assuming one raid a day), and he has to go so far before they put an end to him. Remember when they were ready to toss Izzy overboard after, like, twelve hours under his command?)

Even though they only have one side of the Izzy and Ed story, the crew isn’t accusing Ed of domestic abuse. The term doesn’t apply to the mutually fucked-up thing that Izzy and Ed have and, beyond that, the scene is played for laughs. Jim and Frenchie use comically modern language. The whole thing feels like an intervention for a stressed-out middle manager with a shitty boss. It's funny. It's a comical thing in a comedy show.

Izzy returns to Ed and tells him that the crew won’t throw treasure overboard to make room for more treasure. Ed says, “And that’s another toe.” Losing a toe is the penalty for failing the kind of captain that Izzy said he will serve. It’s obviously not okay to punish an underling by taking toes, but we’ve already established that toe-removal isn’t a cruel and unusual pirate punishment.

(Specifically, toe-chopping is the cost of Izzy’s failure. Frenchie disobeys and lies to Ed in his short time as first mate and he doesn’t lose a single toe. Izzy bears the brunt of Ed’s cruelty because he’s the one who demanded it.)

This is not who Ed wants to be, but it’s who he thinks he has to be. It’s who Izzy told him to be.

Next, Izzy makes the mistake of invoking Stede and Ed storms above deck. He holds the crew at gunpoint, one by one, and asks them if they think that the vibes on the ship are poisonous. No one gives him a positive answer and Ed turns the gun on himself. He works himself up until Izzy interrupts and the following exchange happens:

IZZY: “The atmosphere on this ship is fucked. Everyone knows why.” ED: “Well, I don’t. Enlighten me.” IZZY: “Your feelings for Stede fucking Bo--”

[Ed shoots Izzy in the leg. Ed steps over him on his way back to his cabin.]

ED: “Throw this shit overboard and get suited up.”

The fucked up vibe is not because of Ed's feelings for Stede. Ed's feelings for Stede resulted in Ed having a nineties-rom-com-style breakdown and proposing a talent show. The Kraken and the ensuing fucked atmosphere were ushered in by Izzy.

Izzy is only shot after he proposes talking it through (something he attacked Ed for in S1E10) and publicly places all of the blame on Ed's feelings (feelings that he previously threatened Ed about -- Izzy owes his loyalty to Blackbeard, not a "namby pamby in a silk gown pining for his boyfriend" who would be better off dead). Whatever Izzy's intentions are, it's not irrational for Ed to interpret this as a further threat or an attempt to stir up a mutiny.

What’s important for this post is this: Ed's actions are not unusually cruel for a pirate captain who considers his first mate out of line. Shooting someone in the leg is the kind of thing that the idea of Blackbeard that Izzy worships does to maintain his reputation.

Fang cries when Ed shoots Izzy because he knows Blackbeard. He has been with Blackbeard longer than anyone else, and this isn’t Blackbeard. Blackbeard doesn’t work his crew this hard. Blackbeard doesn’t disregard the deaths of long-time crewmates like Ivan. Blackbeard doesn’t shoot his own crew. Fang is off-balance and distraught because his captain of twenty years is acting far, far more cruel than the one he knew.

This is not Ed as he usually is. Ed at his worst is breaking all of his past patterns. He’s behaving like a different person. His actions at this point in time are not typical of his past actions or predicative of his future actions.

When we reach S2E2, Ed is chipper. He’s cleaning up, he’s tying up loose ends, and he has decided that, no matter what, this is the day that he dies. He’s determined. First, he’ll give Izzy a go at killing him; next is the storm, the destruction of the steering wheel, and taking increasingly desperate actions to get the crew to stop him. He tells Jim and Archie to fight to the death. He goes to blow the mast away with a cannon and doesn’t react as nameless crew members are being washed overboard.

Ed is stopped only by Izzy’s reappearance and the violent mutiny that follows.

None of what Ed does here is abuse. This is desperate violence. This is an unwell man begging everyone around him to send him to doggy heaven.

And finally, we have the big murder party in the season finale. A surprising number of fans interpret Ed’s willingness to cut down naval officers as a sure sign that he’s gotten worse and he’s more violent than ever. This is, in my opinion, a take that completely ignores everything we know about Ed and his relationship to violence.

It bears repeating: Edward Teach kills only to protect. He murders his father to protect his mother. He kills as Blackbeard to protect himself (and no matter how he tries to distance himself from that violence, he still causes deaths). He mows down colonists for Stede. He kills for safety and for love, and by the end of season two, he has made some kind of peace with the Kraken and his own capacity for violence.

It’s sweet. It wouldn’t be sweet in the real world, but in this world? In a world where physical violence is funny more often than it’s serious? In a world full of pirate characters who all have hefty body counts? It’s growth. It’s Ed healing.

Ed is doing better. He’s not a threat to the man he loves, and now he’s not a threat to himself either.

Anyway.

No, Ed is not abusive. No, there’s no indication that Ed will become abusive in the future.

Dislike characters. Take issue with things. Feel whatever you want to feel, but remember that abuse survivors are not a monolith. Consider, just for a moment, that the abuse you think you see in the show is not textual. Ask yourself if Ed is truly worse than all of the other characters or if you have some bias warping your view of him.

Finally: please keep in mind that I’m not trying to present The One True Interpretation. I’m just rolling all of my arguments and thoughts into a ball and throwing it out into the wild. You don’t have to agree with me but, if you don’t, I hope you’ll at least consider what I'm saying.

Peace and love and goodbye.

#ofmd #ofmd meta #edward teach #long meta #like too fucking long #abuse #tw abuse #cw abuse #me typing things #fandom critical #kinda?

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starglow-xx · 1 year

Text

— Oh Baby!

part 2! - a solution? sure, let’s call it that

heartslabyul & savanaclaw x f! reader

synopsis: when the boys of heartslabyul and savanaclaw get turned to kids, who else is supposed to take of them except their beloved prefect? go figure. damn you crowley. oh, and you too grim.

fandom: twisted wonderland

type of work: part of mini series! : “Oh Baby!” ; written segment, fluff / platonic themes, comedy? ; check out pt. 1 here!

warnings: a stressed prefect pt. 2, unedited

a/n: YALL it’s been a year since i posted the first part to this and obviously since then i’ve completed the books for octavinelle, scarabia, and pomefiore, so maybe they’ll have future appearances later hehe but no promises

“you’re telling me you don’t know how to fix this?!” you whisper yelled.

“that’s what i said was it not?”

you wanted to scream in frustration at the headmaster but refrained yourself from doing so as your newly turned baby friends were oh so peacefully playing in the common room as you and crowley talked in the kitchen, and didn’t want to draw attention.

“loosey duecey! loosey duecey! loosey duecey! loosey duecey!”

“shut up!”

maybe peacefully was too good of a word in this situation.

“WELL THEN! it seems that i am no longer needed so i will take my leave—”

“get the hell back here for seven’s sake! and didn’t i tell you to keep your voice down?!”

“but—”

“shut up! if you won’t help me solve my problem then don’t speak at all!” you continued to whisper yell.

“...”

“seriously?!”

with strength that you usually save for rounding up ace, deuce, and grim (on normal circumstances), you grab the stupid headmaster by the back of his cloak thing as he turns away from you to make his escape.

“oh no you don’t!”

the bird for brains had the audacity to sigh at you like he was the one inconvenienced with 8 children. 8 actual children.

“ms. prefect, you must understand, that despite how gracious i am, i simply do not have time for—”

“i’ll go on strike if you don’t help me!”

“...come again?”

you sweatdrop as you let go of his cloak. you didn’t really think the whole thing through, it kind of just came out of you mouth, but it seemed to get his attention so you’re going to have to role with it dammit.

“t-that’s right!”

you cursed in your head slightly as you stammer. there’s no turning back!

“i’ll for once since i’ve gotten here be an normal student! so that means no cleaning after your messes, doing chores that shouldn’t be my responsibility, fighting stupid overblots blah blah blah, you get the picture?”, you threaten.

crowley is silent as he contemplates your words.

“and no, holding housing or allowance over my head is not going to work, because i will literally get myself adopted by another dorm or so help me.”

at that, crowley sighs once again, but this time in defeat at the teenage girl in front of him.

“all right, i’ll go work with the staff to try and figure something out.”

phew.

“however!”

god dammit you can never win can you.

crowley with a stern voice as he wags one of his fingers shatters your hopes and dreams with a simple, “the children must stay here!”

you couldn’t believe your ears, and started to yell, forgetting about whisper yelling.

“what?! why?! i’m asking for help with them because i can’t handle it!”

he simply raises an eyebrow at you.

“do you think it’ll be beneficial and efficient to have the children running around potions and stacks of books while we try and find their cure?”

you sigh, disappointed but not surprised at his rebuttal.

“...no sir”

“great! i guess we’re on the same page after all! i wish you the best of luck prefect, for i am gracious.”

you deadpan.

“right of course. whatever would i do without your help headmaster”

“oh you’d probably perish!”

“that was sarcasm”

ignoring your retort, the man dramatically swished his coat cape thing nearly whacking you in the face (you’re 98% sure it was on purpose) as you feel a migraine start coming on, and the you 15 minutes ago wouldn’t believe it wasn’t because of the children.

after a deep sigh, you follow after crowley reentering what grim dubbed as the “danger zone” only to catch the evasive headmaster walk out the door and shut it behind them.

from where you’re standing, you hear grim, who’s awake now, but still lying on the floor, mumble something along the lines of “useless” and you couldn’t agree more.

you eye the handful of children running around and yelling at each other.

oh great seven, this is going to be one hell of a migraine.

i love their shenanigans <33

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize, repost, or translate on here or any other sites!

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firefirefruit · 8 months

Text

Steel in Her Veins, Chapter: Twenty-Two

Read On: AO3 | Table of Contents | Next Chapter

Characters: Fem!Reader x Roronoa Zoro

Chapter Twenty-Two: The Doctor Just Pinched Me

“What did you just say?!” Sanji sputters, a cigarette spat airborne from his lips. You furrow your brow at the cook.

“What do you mean, what did I say? I said ‘let me play with your—‘” Realisation dawns on you and you swear even your blackened arm sizzles in humiliation. You reflexively bark out a nervous laugh. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Sanji.”

Usopp, on the other hand, bursts into laughter, doubling over as he struggles to catch his breath; you shoot him a scowl and shove him hard, but his resounding cackles only intensify. Meanwhile, Sanji's stunned expression slowly morphs into a shit-eating smirk, and you can practically see the gears turning in his devilish head.

"You…dirty-minded fiend." The cook wriggles his eyebrows. "I didn’t know you had a thing for doctors."

Zoro whips his head around so hard you think for a second, he’s actually snapped it off. He glares at the cook, frustration colouring his face from his lack of understanding. “What you talking about?”

Sanji, undeterred by Zoro's glare, flashes a smug grin and leans back against the railing, crossing his arms over his chest. "Oh, nothing much, just that Raya wants to play with Law’s sword."

Yet again, Usopp breaks out in belly-aching laughter, his knees knocking onto the floor. “Oh, this is the highlight of my day!” he gasps.

“Sanji? Can you shut up now?” you scowl, feeling the familiar smell of your hair singeing in embarrassment.

Zoro furrows his eyebrows and blinks obliviously. “Yeah, it’s just a sword. What’s it to do with doctors?”

“Tch. Meathead,” Sanji grumbles under his breath, flicking his cigarette butt into the sea before strolling back into his kitchen.

“Zoro…” Brook gapes at the samurai. “Surely, you get it…you know…maybe try putting the words into a different context?”

His brows knit together in a knot of confusion, his gaze bouncing from one smirking face to another like a befuddled spectator at a carnival sideshow.

Then, like a slow-motion replay of a pratfall in a comedy of errors, realisation begins to dawn on Zoro. It starts as a flicker of recognition, a tiny flame of understanding struggling to ignite amidst the murky depths of his mind. He blinks once, twice, his expression morphing from bewilderment to incredulity in the span of a heartbeat.

Suddenly, it hits him like a ton of bricks, and his eye widens with the sudden revelation. And with all the subtlety of a charging bull, Zoro turns his gaze upon Law, his eye shooting daggers with the precision of a seasoned marksman.

"Already preying on our crew-mate, Law?" he roughly mutters out, his tone clipped short.

“Oh my God, I didn’t mean it like that!” you exasperatedly exclaim, hands flailing in the air. You turn to Law, desperation in your eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that.’

Law, ever composed, merely shakes his head with a small smirk. "I know."

"Okay, okay, so, what about it?" you quickly press on.

He glances down at the sword in his hand, then back up at you, his lips twitching with the hint of a smirk.

"You want to play with Kikoku?" he asks, the corners of his mouth lifting into what was, you suppose, an attempt at smiling. Regardless, you nod eagerly, your eyes lighting up with joy; Law looks at you in curiosity before the next set of words part from his mouth.

"I want to know why first."

You shrug nonchalantly, trying to play it cool despite the sword-like butterflies that are totally geeking out in your stomach. “I like swords."

Zoro scoffs hugely hearing this, while Usopp snickers at yet another one of your sentences, earning him a humongous slap on the head before you swerve around to Law and hiss, “You did that on purpose!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he smoothly replies, his eyes fixing on you with a twinkling gaze. He looks down to his sharp-bladed partner, twirling her body under the sunlight like a marionette. "If there's even a dent on her, I'll be teleporting you into different pieces."

You meet his gaze with determination, a smirk rising on your lips. "Fine with me."

With a nod to you, the doctor turns to your old furry friend, making your heart squeeze again at the fact that he’s really a few steps away from you. Soon, you'll be able to talk to him. To see how he's lived, t know where he's been, who Law really is to him. And, of course, to ask where Zepo is.

“Circle the rest up and bring them on board. I’ll explain the situation to them later.”

And with a firm, “Aye, Aye, Captain!”, Bepo turns to you, giving you a large, meaningful grin - in a way that wordlessly says, 'we need to talk!' and goes to climbing over the deck, only slowly descending from your sight.

Law looks at you expectantly, his sword extended in the air between the two of you. “Let’s go, then.”

✦

As you and Law make your way up to the crow's nest, you can’t help but analyse the weight of Kikoku in your hands, its presence so thrilling, yet so bashfully reclusive. You can’t wait to see if you’re able to talk to her, to see what she’s really like, whether she's happy with her owner or, rather, incredibly displeased.

You steal a glance at Law, who walks beside you with his usual deadpanned demeanour, but you can't help but notice a flicker of amusement in his eyes as he watches you.

Reaching the crow's nest, you open the door and step inside, the familiar scent of wood and metal greeting you as you enter your side of the workshop. You gesture for Law to take a seat on one of the refined stools, and he does so with a raised eyebrow, his gaze lingering on the array of gadgets and contraptions scattered around the room.

"A gym and a workshop?" He comments, his tone casual as he begins to push his sleeves to his elbows. “Interesting design choice.”

You laugh a little, lovingly spreading your hand across your desk. “We have a living skeleton as our bard, and our Cyborg lives off of cola in his stomach-fridge. Wouldn’t say this is the weirdest one out of them.”

Law exhales a breath from his nostrils, not quite wanting to commit to laughter, yet still not being able to control his reaction. “Fair enough. It’s a nice set-up you have here, regardless.”

You nod in agreement, a sense of pride swelling within you at the compliment. "Thanks. It’s my baby, in a way."

Law nods, his eyes flickering to you and your arm, and before you can pick up and begin to truly get a sense of Kikoku, he ‘rooms’ it to his lap with a flick of his inked finger.

“Hey!” you snap, glaring at him. “What about our deal?”

“I'll take a look at your arm first," Law simply says. “The deal’s still on.”

Rolling your eyes, you begrudgingly comply, pushing up your sleeve to reveal the blackened charcoal of what used to be your arm. And with a soft tug, Law examines it closely, his cold fingers deftly tracing the contours of the markings as he murmurs to himself in thought.

"Well, it is a transformation," he concludes after a moment, his expression grave. "But it's different from any I've seen before. I’m going to do a few tests to understand what we’re dealing with."

You shrug, stuffing a wrapped sweet you found in one of your desk drawers in your mouth. “Do as you like, but only if it doesn’t interfere with my work.”

He purses his lips, looking deeply into your skin. “Do you have any Devil Fruit powers?”

You nod. “I do. The burn-burn fruit, specifically.”

“And can you still use them?”

“Why don’t you have a look?” A shit-eating grin begins to grow across your face before fire from your hand explodes into Law’s face – albeit you used the harmless version of your power, Law glares up at you, his eyes blown into massive saucers.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” He snaps, staring furiously at you.

You wince and inhale sharply, your upper arm punishing your childish shenanigans by pulsing angrily through you. “You’re supposed to be laughing, Law. I was trying to mess around.”

Still unamused, he looks down to your skin. “So, in short, you can use them, but it hurts like hell.”

But just as Law’s getting into the groove of his expertise, you both hear heavy footsteps cramming themselves in the entrance of the door, and you turn to see Zoro loudly stumbling into the crow's nest, his expression unreadable. Your eyes widen as he looks at you, a flicker of suspicion crossing his face.

"What are you doing here?"

Zoro shrugs nonchalantly, though there's a hint of defensiveness in his stance. "Working out," he mutters, his gaze flickering between you and Law.

You raise an eyebrow, pushing the sweet in your mouth into the corner of your cheek. “You don’t normally work out around this time.”

“I don’t remember you asking me these types of questions, either.” And with a twitch to the samurai’s eyes, he stands from afar, facing you and Law, and peels his shirt off.

He flings it in the corner of his gym, his eyes never leaving Law’s, as he begins to stretch out and flex his arms. “Got a problem?”

Law’s mouth twitches upwards slightly. “Thanks for the entertainment, I’m sure my patient’ll need it.”

You slap a hand on the side of your cheek, definitely not entertained by any of this. “Is this another dick-swinging contest I’m gonna have to watch?”

Law chuckles softly, a hint of amusement dancing in his eyes as he looks at Zoro. "Looks like it," he remarks, his tone light yet tinged with a touch of irony.

You shoot him a sideways glance, a smirk playing at the corners of your lips.

"Well, let's hope it doesn't turn into a full-blown showdown," you quip, your gaze flickering between Zoro and Law. You dramatically sigh, earning an eye-roll from Zoro. "May I remind you that you're dealing with a wounded patient, here?"

"Please," Law and Zoro both mutter.

As Law begins to conduct his examination of your arm, Zoro's presence looms in the background like a silent sentinel, his watchful gaze never wavering. You can't help but feel a pang of annoyance at his intrusion, yet there's also a strange sense of comfort in having him nearby, like a lion you’ve so begrudgingly befriended. Always on your shoulder, always watching, always growling.

Law, unfazed by Zoro's presence, focuses intently on his task, his movements precise and calculated as he ‘rooms’ in a set of his medical equipment that you assume was salvaged at the last second from his sinking ship. Then, he prepares himself to conduct the tests on your skin.

As he lowers his head closer to your blackened arm, his hands rub together in sanitiser; the smell of distilled alcohol wafts into your senses and a tiny part of anxiety wedges into the depths of your stomach. What are you both going to find out? Or – will the tests come back inconclusive? You don’t know. Honestly? You're not sure if you want to.

“This might hurt, so breathe deeply for me,” Law’s voice intrudes into the babbling of your thoughts as a mild warning, as he gently places your hand over his palm, his other hand resting over the skin. With a silent nod, you inhale and grit your teeth, ready for the familiar pulse of pain to ring through you, to turn your world upside down yet again.

And he pinches the skin at your fingertips, hard. A pause. He pinches again, but in a different section, a lot harder this time, from the way his fingers are turning white from pressure. Pause.

And nothing.

You blink, looking down at a curious Law as he pinches at the skin yet again, his eyebrows furrowed as continues to observe your reactions.

He raises his eyebrows. “You’re not pretending to feel anything, right?”

“Not at all.” You huff out a laugh, looking as intrigued as him as you flex your affected hand out over his. You cock your head, deep in thought.

“The contusion appeared from my hand first, so compared to the rest of my arm, my hand should be just a bunch of…dead, old cells. Which would make sense - that I'm not feeling anything at your attempt of contusions. Weird that you tried to bruise me, Law," you mutter, giving him a side-eye at his odd idea of doctorly testing. You then begin to prattle off on more of the medical knowledge you once used to know from your heart. From way back in Wano. From both the books they gave you, and the books you would steal. You continue, your voice now softer, more thoughtful, as you talk more to yourself than to him.

"But how am I still in control of it? How are my muscles still convulsing, if they're supposed to be dead? Shouldn’t I be unable to even move my hand, let alone use my powers?”

Law looks at you, leaning back in his chair. He retracts his hand, folding them into a tight cross, and continues to stare at you with an emotion you can’t quite place.

You stare back at him, then awkwardly look around the room. Was it something that you accidentally said?

“…What?” you mutter.

He smirks, carefully looking at Zoro and then to you. And with the lowest, quietest voice, he mutters the next few words in the stilled air between you two.

“Bepo was right. You really are her. Kozuki Raya.”

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thisapplepielife · 10 months

Text

Written for the @steddiemas challenge.

King Steve

Prompt Day 12: Hallmark Movie Tropes | Word Count: 9963 | Rating: M | CW: Royal Inaccuracies | Tags: King Ralph AU, Unexpected Royalty, Platonic Stobin, Happy Ending, Steve POV

This one is also available right here on AO3.

Loosely based on the 1991 comedy King Ralph, starring John Goodman, but this time make it Steddie.

Steve shoves the key into the lock of the Wienerlicious front door, and jiggles it just so, trying to get the damned thing to open. Robin picked this place as their next place of employment, and he's pretty sure it was just to stick him in another goofy uniform so she could call him dingus more often.

Jokes on her. He looks damn good in lederhosen, way better than she does in the milkmaid getup. So, suck it, Robin.

Even if he's too old for this shit. He's nearly thirty, and they're still bouncing from crappy job to crappy job, aimless.

He needs a purpose, but he just hasn't found it. Not yet.

He flips on the lights, and goes through all the opening procedures on his own. Robin won't be in until later, so he's gonna be on his own through the lunch rush. If there is a lunch rush. Sometimes, that's non-existent in this place.

And it seems like today is gonna be one of those days. He hasn't had a customer in an hour, and he's bored out of his goddamn skull. Just watching the hot dogs turn on the roller grill behind him.

Finally, the door swings open, and in walks three stuffy-looking men in suits. Glancing around the place like they're walking in front of a firing squad instead of into a fast food joint.

"Welcome to Wienerlicious," Steve greets.

"We're looking for Mr. Steven Harrington," the first one says in a British accent, and Steve narrows his eyes. He doesn't think he owes money to anyone. Especially not to anyone British. Robin and him might be scraping by, but they've managed to do it all on their own.

"Who's asking?" Steve asks, putting his hands on his hips.

"I'm Gareth Jones and this is Inspector Goodwin and Inspector Williams," the first man says, like that means anything.

Steve doesn't think he's committed a crime, Pink Panther style, but maybe? He wishes he'd stolen some cash or jewels, but he hasn't, so he's not sure why they've sent two inspectors all the way to the Wienerlicious to talk to him.

"And you're here for…" Steve trails off, moving his hand in a hurry up and spit it out motion. He'd rather get this over with.

"Well, sir, that's a private matter for us to discuss with Mr. Harrington," Inspector Goodwin chimes in, and they are definitely British.

"Then, I guess you're shit outta luck," Steve says, moving back to wiping down the counter. "If you decide you want to order something, you let me know."

He watches them look between each other, clearly debating this offer. But they step up to the counter and study the menu, with a hint of disdain, before ordering three number seven combos. Steve makes them, and puts down the red baskets on a tray. Taking their money, and handing over their change.

They're staring at his name tag. Fuck. He forgot he was wearing it.

"Are you Steven Harrington?" Gareth asks, leaning closer, nearly across the counter.

"And if I am?" Steve asks, taking a step back.

"Then we have an exciting opportunity to share with you," Inspector Williams says, gleefully.

"Listen, I'm not gonna, like, sell Amway or knives or anything. So, just. No, thanks."

They look back and forth, like they don't understand what he's talking about.

Steve sighs, "I have a job. I don't want another, no matter how much money you think I'll be able to make, so thanks. But, no thanks."

Because, yeah, he's in lederhosen, but he's working with Robin and he gets a predictable paycheck. It's a fair trade-off.

"Sir, please, just give us a moment of your time," Gareth pleads, and Steve is annoyed.

"Just arrest me if that's what you're here for," Steve says, nodding towards the two inspectors. Robin will sort it out.

"Oh, no, sir. Not at all. They're here for your protection, for your safety," Gareth says, and Steve wrinkles his forehead at that idea. He's pretty sure he doesn't need protection. "Please, just hear me out, sir."

"Fine, one minute," Steve says, following them to a table, and sitting down, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Mr. Harrington-"

"Steve," Steve interrupts.

"Steve," Gareth, the chatty one, says, but it seems physically painful for him to get out of his mouth, "it is my glorious duty to inform you that you're the new King of the United Kingdom, Your Majesty."

"The new King of what now?" Steve asks, because he's been King before. Sure, it was Hawkins High and not the United Kingdom, but he'll pass. He's grown and shit since then.

"Of the United Kingdom, and the entire Commonwealth, Your Majesty."

Steve laughs, because why wouldn't he laugh. That's ridiculous.

Then he remembers seeing the news headline that the entire Royal Family had been electrocuted and killed during a holiday photo session, and that they were searching their records for the next heir in line for the throne.

Steve bets they didn't expect to find him in lederhosen, slinging wieners with sauerkraut.

"But I'm an American," Steve finally says, shaking his head.

"We are unfortunately aware, sir," Gareth answers.

"Then, how am I the next in line? That makes no sense." Steve questions, he's never even been to England.

"On your mother's side. There's no delicate way to say this, but your grandmother had an affair with Prince Richard, and your mother was the product of that affair. So, you're in the line of succession for the throne through the House of Wyndam-Pryce bloodline."

"Okay, go talk to my mother then," Steve says, "she'd love to be a Queen."

"It doesn't work quite like that. See, there's what we call male-preference primogeniture-"

"Well, that's just sexist," Steve says, crossing his arms. He doesn't know what that last word means, but he definitely understands male-preference and can fill in the blanks.

"Yes, well, perhaps that's true," Gareth says, looking flustered, then looking excited, "but you could press to change that! As King. With the help of Parliament. You could work to change it."

"Now, Jones," Inspector Williams says, "you know the law prohibits Monarchs from solving problems."

"Yes, well," Gareth says, backing down a little, "that's a different issue altogether."

"This all seems suspect," Steve says. He wishes Robin were here. She'd know what to ask, what to say to all this. "If I'm not solving world problems, which to be honest, I'm not sure I'd be all that great at anyway, what exactly does this even entail? Is it not like being the President here?"

"No, that's more like the Prime Minister," Inspector Goodwin answers, "not exactly, but closer. You, as King, would be a ceremonial figurehead."

Steve is confused, but that's not exactly new.

"I don't understand," Steve says, because he definitely doesn't.

"You are the new King. It's your birthright, sir."

Steve is pretty sure he's not interested in any birthrights. He's seen Buffy. Kristy Swanson was hot, but he doesn't want any of that shit for himself. No fucking way.

Unless.

"How much does it pay?" Steve asks.

"Well, it doesn't, exactly…" Gareth trails off.

"Then, again. No," Steve says, moving to stand.

"But as the sovereign, it all belongs to you. To the Crown," Gareth says, and Steve starts picturing that and now it doesn't sound so bad at all.

"All of it?"

"All of it, Your Majesty," Gareth confirms.

"So, are you willing to go with us, Your Majesty? To England?"

And maybe he'd make a different decision if Robin were here to talk him out of it, but he nods.

"You can't go be the King," Robin says, pacing around the room, one of his shirts clutched in her hands. He jerks it out of her grasp, and stuffs it into his suitcase.

"Apparently, I can," he says, "and you can come with me."

She scoffs, "And do what? Be your lady-in-waiting?"

"Yes!" Steve says, he doesn't know what that is, but yes, if it gets her to come. Absolutely.

"Steve, no," she says, shaking her head.

"We'll get married really quick and you can be my Queen," he says, nodding his head, "think how fun that'd be? You and me? Ruling a whole country?"

"And the Commonwealth," she says, but shakes her head, snapping out of that idea. "No way, they'd make me have your babies."

"Ew," he says.

"Ew, right back at ya, dingus," she says.

"Then, I'll go first. Scope it out. And you can come later, once I'm settled in."

"This is a bad idea, Steve," Robin says, really talking with her hands.

"Careful, I'm the King," Steve teases.

"Not my King, dingus, you better keep that in mind," she says, and he smiles, pulling her to his chest.

"I wish you'd come," he says.

"I don't even have a passport," she says.

"Well, neither do I. But apparently, as the King, that doesn't really matter much."

"Oh, this isn't going to go well," she says, pacing again, worrying some more.

"Maybe not, but it'll be an adventure, right? C'mon. Come with me," he begs, trying to give her the eyes. But she's immune.

"Maybe later. If this sticks. I'll get a passport, legally, and come make fun of you in your stupid cape or whatever," she says, and he hugs her again.

A day later, Steve steps out of the black town car, and looks up. Jesus. This place is wild. Fucking crazy, it's a palace, like, for real. He still kind of assumed they'd been teasing when they showed up at his place of work, explaining that while he was once 46th in line for the throne, that he'd now been bumped up to number one. Just because the entire extended royal family died in a freak accident during a portrait session for their annual Christmas card.

That's a lot to swallow.

Do they not have a designated survivor? Robin has told him about that, in the US. They should have, it seems like. Most definitely.

Water, metal and electricity did not mix. And snap. They were all gone.

And now he's here.

King.

He's being led inside this freaking mansion, and it's way less funny. He's a freaking American. A bastard, apparently, and he shouldn't even be eligible for the throne. Robin looked it up. Made sure he knew that, as she railed on him for even considering doing this.

But they were desperate. And here he is. Steve Harrington, American. King of England. No, Great Britain? United Kingdom? The Commonwealth? He scratches his head and scrunches up his face. He doesn't remember. They went over this on the plane, but he's already forgotten. Shit.

He's just pretty sure it's not the King of England. Even if that sounds right to his American ear.

There's some old, stuffy British dudes waiting to lead him around, and he follows. But he's starting to think he can't be the King. Not again. He's pretty sure being the King of Hawkins High will be nothing in comparison to this. This is actual insanity.

Actual royalty.

They leave him in his new royal bedroom, and you could fit his and Robin's whole apartment inside this one room. He stands and looks out of the window, and feels homesick. He'd rather be in that tiny apartment with her, than here surrounded by all this opulence. He shouldn't have even agreed to get on the plane, especially not without Robin. They couldn't make him accept this offer, he's pretty sure. Even if they were pretty adamant about it, at the time. It felt like he didn't have a choice, even if he's pretty sure he did. Still does, maybe. He hasn't been, like, crowned or anything. He thinks he can still say no, and probably will.

He'd just been hand stomping lemonade and slinging hot dogs, minding his own business. He was just a little delirious and desperate for something new, anything at all.

He was bored.

And then there these stuffy dudes were, telling him he was the new King.

It all happened so fast.

He should call Robin soon, to let her know he landed. He really wants her to move here to be with him, if he decides to stay. Surely, that's something he could make happen, with all this money and all these resources.

Someone clears their throat behind him, and there's a guy, probably about his age, standing there, hands properly folded behind his back. When Steve looks at him, he bows his head at the neck.

"Hey," Steve says, turning to face him fully, "I'm Steve."

"I'm Edward, your private secretary, Your Majesty."

"What can I do for you, Eddie," Steve says, and he watches as the man cringes at the informality of it all. He just doesn't look like an Edward. He looks like an Eddie. But if he doesn't like that, Steve won't force it on him. At least not to his face. Not yet. He'll wear him down, first.

"Nothing for me, sir. What can I do for you?" Eddie asks, stepping a little further into the room.

"Edward, I think I'd just like to go to bed," Steve says, and Eddie moves towards the bed, drawing down the sheets and fluffing his pillows.

It's overkill. But nice.

"Thanks, you don't have to do that, but I appreciate it," Steve says.

"Your dressing room is over there. I'm sure there's some proper sleeping attire," Eddie suggests, pointing towards the right door. "And if you'd like a bath before bed, I can draw one for you, sir."

A bath doesn't sound half bad, but Steve is pretty sure he can run his own bathwater. He might be the King, and isn't that a stupid thought, but he hasn't forgotten how to do basic things for himself, not yet.

Eddie does it for him anyway, despite Steve's protests, and then shows him the little turtle bell on the marble ledge that he can ding if he needs assistance at any time.

"During my bath?" Steve asks, raising an eyebrow.

And Eddie nods, "Any time at all, sir."

That's weird, Steve thinks, but watches as Eddie closes the big double doors, leaving him alone with his bath. He rings the little turtle bell, and Eddie comes back through the doors.

"Your Majesty?" he asks, hands clasped in front of him.

"Are there bubbles?" Steve asks, and Eddie looks taken aback, but quickly nods and produces a bottle of fancy looking bubble bath from a cabinet.

"Thank you," Steve says, smiling, and Eddie nods at him curtly, before leaving. Again.

Steve wants to ring the turtle, just for shits and giggles, but refrains. He wants Eddie to like him. He's close to his age, and maybe they could be friends. Well, maybe not, he's stuffy like his colleagues, just not as stuffy. That's for sure. Gareth and Inspectors Goodwin and Williams aren't exactly old, but they were a little uptight.

When he's good and pruney, he gets out, and wraps a towel around his waist. When he opens the doors, Eddie is standing there, at the ready.

"You can sit down, you know?" Steve says, walking around the edge of the bed.

"I really can't, Your Majesty," Eddie says.

"Says who?" Steve hollers from the walk-in closet, where he's pulling up a pair of silk pajama bottoms. They're nice, and feel good against his skin. He likes them. He's definitely not wearing the matching long-sleeve shirt though. No way. He can't imagine how uncomfortable that'd be to sleep in.

"Royal protocol, sir."

"Aren't I in charge now? So, if I say you can sit, you can sit," Steve says, coming out of the closet, towel drying his hair.

"That's really not how it works, sir," Eddie says, looking away from him. Clearly trying to get Steve to drop it.

He will, for now. But that man is sitting before this is over with. There's no reason for him to stand around all the time. Steve's worked retail. He knows how much that sucks, and he didn't even have to do it in dress shoes.

"Did you need help finding your top, sir?" Eddie asks, and Steve realizes that's why he's being so weird. Oh.

"Do I have to wear it?" Steve asks, pulling his towel over his chest. Maybe he's being weird, or creepy, right now. Is he sexually harassing his secretary? At home this is fine, normal. It's like a locker room, right? They're in his bedroom. But maybe that's not cool here, he has no idea.

"Well, no, sir," Eddie says, "but it would be proper. But you don't have to, I suppose."

Steve tries to slide in bed without flashing his hairy chest at Eddie again, pulling the sheets up to his neck.

"There, I'm in bed," Steve says.

"Very well, sir," Eddie says, pulling the drapes closed, nodding at Steve, and hitting the lights on the way out, "Goodnight."

"'Night," Steve says back, as the door closes, and then he's gone.

And Steve's all alone.

These sheets are super soft, and so is the bed. Steve closes his eyes, and thinks he'll be asleep in no time.

He wakes up to the sun in his eyes, as Eddie is pulling open the heavy curtains.

"Good morning, Your Majesty. Did you sleep alright?" Eddie asks, bowing his head at Steve, and Steve really needs him to stop doing that. It's unnecessary. Steve sits up in bed and scrubs his hand across his face. He did sleep well.

"Yeah, I think I did, thanks," Steve says, stretching, as Eddie goes into his closet and starts selecting clothes.

"We'll have to get you fitted properly today, but these should do for now," he says, laying out a pair of slacks and a dress shirt. A belt.

"Okay," Steve answers. He can wear that. That's not so bad. "What's on today's schedule?"

And he wishes he hadn't asked, because the list Eddie rattles off is never-ending.

"All that today, huh?" Steve asks, and Eddie nods. Then steps out into the hallway so Steve can get dressed.

He stands in front of the mirror, trying to tame his hair. He shouldn't have gone to bed with it wet, now it really won't behave. He might need to wash it again. He looks around, and realizes there is no shower in his bathroom. He's gonna need a bathroom with a shower, the bath was fine, but not for everyday use.

"Edward?" Steve says, opening the door, and Eddie follows him back in.

"Yes, Your Majesty?" Eddie asks, standing at attention.

"Is there a bathroom with a shower around here that I'll be able to use? I don't need it this morning, because of the bath, but in the future?" Steve asks, looking at Eddie.

"Yes, of course, sir," Eddie says, "I'll show you where that's at this morning."

"Thanks, also? Can I request some specific hairspray?" Steve asks.

Eddie pulls a little notepad out of his pocket, ready to take notes, "Of course, sir."

"Faberge Organics, the Farrah Fawcett spray," Steve says, and watches as Eddie takes notes. He doesn't even laugh at him. Maybe Steve should tell him it was discontinued, like, a decade ago. But it'll be funny to see how much sway this position actually holds. Maybe he'll send some staff member to find a lone can of it, long forgotten on the dusty bottom shelf of a drugstore.

"Of course, sir," Eddie says, putting the notebook back in his jacket pocket.

Steve steps out inside the hall, and isn't sure what he's supposed to do. Eddie must pick up on that because he holds his arm out, motioning for Steve to walk ahead of him.

"I thought I could give you a more in depth tour this morning, sir, if you're feeling up to that?" Eddie asks, trailing him.

Steve pauses, waiting for him to catch up. They start walking again, and Eddie's behind him again. Steve slows his pace, and Eddie slows his own. He feels like he's having to crane his neck back to even see Eddie as he explains all the rooms, all the antiques. The paintings.

That goes on for the whole tour of this floor, and then Steve waits at the top of the long, winding staircase. Eddie waits behind him.

"You do realize I don't know where we're going, right?" Steve says, holding his arm out, inviting Eddie to lead the way.

"Sir, you are the sovereign, no one walks ahead of you. Especially not your staff," Eddie says, and Steve looks at him like he's crazy, because that's a crazy rule. Steve is only King on a huge technicality. He's just a person.

But when it's clear Eddie is not moving until he does, he walks down the stairs, wishing Eddie would just fall into step beside him, at least.

And Eddie gives him the rest of the tour, from two steps over his shoulder. It's kind of weird and uncomfortable.

After the tour, he's led directly into a room to be fitted for new clothes, and Eddie stands nearby.

"We've prepared a few questions to ascertain your knowledge of English history," Eddie says, as they're measuring Steve for a new suit.

Having your inseam taken is a little distracting, even under regular circumstances. Having three different pairs of hands nudging under your balls, right after you've been declared King, is another level of distracting entirely.

"Okay," Steve says, uneasy. He knows he knows nothing about history, "but I can tell you it's almost zero, right up front."

Eddie looks at him and asks, "When Anne Boleyn failed to give him a son, Henry VIII had her…"

Steve thinks, tries to come up with a logical answer, and settles on, "Adopt?"

Eddie looks exasperated, "No. Beheaded."

"Jesus, that's a bit much," Steve mutters, and he swears he sees Eddie tamp down the barest hint of a smile.

"Please pick a fabric, sir," Goodwin says, draping some swatches over his arm and showing Steve.

They all look the same to Steve. Various shades of dark, most with pinstripes.

"You pick, Edward. I trust your judgment," Steve says, because he does. Eddie is dressed nicely, so surely he can pick the right thing for Steve to not look like he's wearing the curtains.

Eddie nods, quick and sharp, and then hands the chosen swatches over to one of the tailors. Pointing at three of them.

After his fitting, Steve is in jeans and a polo, even if Eddie fought him on it. "Here's a few traditional English dishes, sir, some of which you'll be served tonight. The kitchen chose things they thought you might enjoy, and I thought it might be prudent to make sure you're familiar ahead of time."

Steve nods. Okay. He can do food. He likes food.

"Roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, fish and chips, bangers and mash, and of course, spotted dick."

Steve's eyebrows shoot up as he looks at the bowl full of dicks in front of him that he had assumed were sausages.

He grabs the silver tongs, and picks one up, carefully inspecting it like it might be a bomb, before looking at Eddie.

"Dick of what?" he asks, scared of the answer.

Eddie chuckles, "You're holding a banger. A sausage," he clarifies, pointing to some other dish, "that's the spotted dick, sir. It's a dessert."

Steve looks and can see the raisins. The spots of the spotted name, he assumes. That's more reassuring.

"Please, sir, try it," Eddie says, so Steve lets him serve him a plate, so he can try everything so there's not an embarrassing incident at tonight's dinner.

"Sit, eat with me," Steve says, and Eddie shakes his head.

"No, sir," Eddie says.

"Edward, live a little," Steve coaxes, kicking out a chair leg, an invitation, but Eddie doesn't budge. Just stands at attention, a few feet behind Steve while he eats. It's good. He likes it. Even the spotted dick, which he can't even think about without laughing. How is he going to be able to eat it, or say it, in a public setting? Impossible.

"This is all good, I was scared what you might bring me, to be real honest," Steve says.

Eddie smiles, "Well, we went easy on you. I didn't think you were ready for the black pudding or haggis."

"I don't know what that is," Steve admits.

"For the best," Eddie teases, and Steve smiles at him.

"Tell me about yourself, Edward," Steve says, using his fork and knife to cut into one of the bangers.

"I'm here to serve you, sir," Eddie says, and Steve looks back over his shoulder at him and rolls his eyes.

"No, about you. Not about me in relation to you, just about you."

"Sir, I don't really…" Eddie trails off, like he doesn't know what to say.

Steve won't make him talk, but he sure wishes he would. He'd like to get to know him better.

"If you won't sit, would you at least come over here where I can see you?" Steve asks, and he's happy when Eddie concedes, and comes into his line of sight.

"How long have you worked at the palace?" Steve asks.

"Nearly ten years, sir. I've been a secretary for about two years, though. After my uncle retired, I was chosen to fill his duties."

Steve nods, hoping Eddie will continue and elaborate further. He doesn't.

So, Steve eats while Eddie stands by, quietly.

And it's weeks of meetings, fittings, lessons. Eddie and the rest of the staff are working diligently to get him ready to face the press and public.

Steve's trying. He really is, but it's a lot to comprehend. He doesn't understand all the rules, all the protocols, and he is constantly on the wrong foot. Doing something stupid, saying something stupid. He's never gonna catch on to this.

He flops back on his bed. He's going to make a fool of himself, and the Crown.

Eddie comes in later, and takes one look at him, and starts digging in Steve's walk-in closet. He comes out with an all-white outfit and instructs Steve to put it on.

Steve does. He's stopped fighting. Stopped asking why, a long time ago. It doesn't matter why, none of them care. He's just a small cog, in a big wheel. He's in charge, but he isn't. Not at all. None of his choices are his own. He's not sitting on a throne barking orders. He's following, trying to please the people around him. Trying to please Eddie.

Once he's dressed, Eddie takes him out to the yard of the palace, and gets down and straps big pads to his shins. They look like oversized, shin guards for baseball catchers. But padded. He was a catcher for one season in high school and hated it. It's the hardest job on the field, he's pretty sure. Pitching was easier. He did that in little league for a while.

He's standing there in his padded shin guards, looking at Eddie for guidance. Eddie hands him a paddle. Steve tries to hold it like a baseball bat, and Eddie laughs, while trying to help him correct his grip.

"This is a cricket bat, not a baseball bat, sir," Eddie says with a smile.

"Oh, so more like croquet?" Steve says, lowering the bat in front of him, and Eddie grins.

"You know how to play croquet?" Eddie asks, looking surprised.

"Sure," Steve says, "I might not be royalty, but I do come from a rich family. Back home. We definitely played croquet from time to time."

Eddie smiles, and nods, "It's not like croquet. You want to keep the ball away from your wicket, not aim it towards it," Eddie explains, helping him adjust his grip, again. His instinct is still to draw it up like a bat, twirl it around in his hand. Test its heft. But Eddie tells him to keep it down, in front of him, to protect his wicket, the three stumps and two bails balanced behind him.

Once Steve is in place, Eddie yells, "Bowler!"

And the guy downfield throws the ball at him in a goofy fashion, bouncing it in front of him, and Steve hits it. And it sails up and away. They do it over and over. This is something he's actually picked up on quickly for once, and it's fun. Steve hits the shit out of the next one, and declares it a home run.

Eddie laughs, "A maximum, sir, but yes, the same idea, I suppose. Six runs."

If it bounces to the boundary, it's worth four Eddie declares, and eventually Eddie goes to the other side of the little dirt rectangle, and they teach Steve how to run back and forth to accumulate runs that way, if he doesn't hit it out of the park.

"You can lead with your bat, sir, get it over the crease ahead of you," Eddie says.

"The line? The baseline?" Steve asks, and Eddie smiles.

"Yes, sir, that," Eddie grins.

And he runs past Eddie once more, passing in the middle, and he reaches up as they go past each other, offering him his hand, a high five.

Eddie clearly isn't sure about this, but still puts his hand up, and they touch as they run by each other, each headed to the opposite end from where they started.

When they've finished, Steve leans over, his hands on his knees, breathing hard. But he's happy right now.

Once he stands, he looks at Eddie, smiling, and asks, "Do you want to play croquet next?"

And Eddie laughs, honest to god laughs, and it makes Steve smile, big and bright. It's a great sound, and he hopes to hear it more often.

"Sure, Your Majesty, we can play croquet," Eddie says, and sends the pages to go find the equipment.

Pads shucked to the side in the grass, Steve watches as Eddie lines up his shot.

"Don't do it, don't even think about it," Steve says, breathing down Eddie's neck, taunting him as he tries to line up his mallet with the croquet ball.

Eddie laughs, and nudges him backwards with his elbow, and then freezes, like he's realized what he's done. Steve just shoves him back a little, hopefully assuring him that it's fine, that he likes this. That this feels normal, at least almost, and that's fucking priceless. To his sanity, to his heart.

He's homesick for Robin, for America, honestly.

He wants to watch baseball or basketball on TV. He wants to drive his car. He wants a pizza, a burger, or some fried chicken. Anything. He can ask for anything he'd like to eat, and they'll bring it, but it's always a fancy version. They seem to have an aversion to actually just going out and getting him the junk food he's missing.

This has been a huge responsibility to take on, one he doesn't fully understand, with a very steep learning curve. But right now, they are just two guys playing a sport together, for fun.

That he understands, fully.

"This is the most fun I've had since I've gotten here," Steve says, standing next to Eddie as he whacks the ball through the hoop.

"I'm glad to hear that, sir."

Once the game is over, Steve stands there in the grass, happy. He looks at Eddie, "What sport can you teach me next?"

Eddie just laughs, "Polo, I suppose. How do you feel about horses?"

And then it's back to the unfun parts. Steve showers, and throws on the clothes Eddie has laid out for him. And he attends meetings. He has his weekly Audience with the Prime Minister, one-on-one, without Eddie present. They always make him feel nervous that he's going to fuck up.

But it's only twenty minutes. He can do anything for twenty minutes.

Eddie works sports into his tight schedule, and Steve appreciates it. It's not everyday, but it's as often as they can fit it in, and they play and Steve pushes himself. To get better. To have fun.

To impress Eddie, a little, with the one thing he's been good at here.

Steve's having a bad day, and he's had enough, so he pulls a baseball hat over his head, and walks out of the front door. Nobody stops him, but he's pretty sure that's just because they've never had to deal with a Monarch that was trying to escape the way he is. But he's had all of this he can take today.

He doesn't get far down the road, before he realizes he is being followed. He turns and looks, and there's Eddie. So, Steve slows down, stalls, waiting for him to catch up.

"You coming with me, or are you going back to tattle?" Steve asks, and Eddie smiles.

"Where are we going, Your Majesty?" Eddie asks, falling in step behind him.

"I'm hungry. I want some food, some American food. Something I'm familiar with. No spotted dick, or whatever the fuck that was. Is there something around here that I'll recognize?" Steve asks, and Eddie nods, and then he waits for Steve to start walking again, keeping two paces behind him.

Steve glances back at him, "How did you end up working for the royal family?"

"My family. It's just what we've always done," Eddie says. "My uncle had this position before I did. When he retired, the last King asked for me to step in, to keep with some sort of continuity, I suppose. He'd known me for a long time, since my childhood."

"I'm sorry you lost your friend," Steve says.

Eddie pauses, like nobody has ever said that to him before, "Thank you, sir."

Steve nods, "Well, what would you like to do instead?" Steve asks, and Eddie looks at him, like he hadn't expected the question.

"Working for the royal family is the highest honor," Eddie says, and Steve laughs.

"Okay, that's bullshit. You don't want to serve people. You don't want to serve me. That's not your dream. What do you want to do? What would make you happy?" Steve presses.

Eddie looks at him, like this might be a trap, even if it really isn't. Steve genuinely wants to know what Eddie likes to do. He wants to know anything Eddie will tell him. Which really, really hasn't been much. He's definitely not very forthcoming about anything personal.

"I like to play music," Eddie finally says.

"That's cool," Steve says, meaning it, "are you any good?"

"Not bad, I don't think. I play with my friends in a little four piece, when I have the time. The palace requires a lot of my time," Eddie says, and then looks embarrassed. "Not that I'm complaining. I'm happy to be at your service, sir."

"Steve," Steve says, "please, just call me Steve."

"King Steve," Eddie says, and smiles at him, just a little. Steve realizes Eddie's teasing him, and it makes Steve happy. Like they might be friends. Or could be, in time. He definitely needs a friend here.

"Well, that's not the first time I've been called that, so it's an improvement. For sure. But try to work it down to just Steve, in the future. At least while we're alone."

Eddie nods, but he doesn't look like that's going to be something he'll ever do.

They walk a little further, and Eddie stops in front of a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Perfect.

Eddie ushers him inside, and into a hidden corner booth, before going up to order. When he comes back, he gently puts down the tray, and acts like he's going to start setting everything up, like this is a state dinner. It's definitely not.

"Just sit. Eat with me," Steve says, and Eddie looks uncomfortable.

"That's really not…"

"Does it look like I care, Eddie? Please?" Steve asks, and he pushes a styrofoam plate in his direction, and starts loading it up.

"Are you a breast, leg or thigh man?" Steve asks, and Eddie blushes a pretty pink.

Steve's pretty sure he's not a breast man, and that's more than okay with him. Maybe he can use that in his favor, someday, hopefully.

"Anything is fine, si-"

"Steve," Steve corrects.

"Steve," Eddie whispers, like he might be caught and reprimanded.

Steve smiles, and puts a couple different pieces on Eddie's plate, then some mashed potatoes. Gravy. A couple biscuits, and looks at Eddie as he pushes it his way.

Eddie is just looking down at it.

Steve reaches down and picks up his thigh with his hands, and takes a bite.

"Finger lickin' good," he says, and Eddie giggles, as he picks up a piece himself, and takes a bite. It looks awkward, and a little dainty, but it thrills Steve that he's playing along. Getting a little more comfortable with him.

He wants to get to know him, Eddie, the man under the suit. Maybe the man, out of the suit.

On the walk back, Steve looks back at Eddie.

"Eddie?" Steve asks, and Eddie looks at him.

"Yes?"

"Was there really nobody else? Is it me…or nothing?" Steve asks, because he's pretty sure he can't do this. Doesn't want to. At least not long-term. Not for his entire life. He's given it a good go, but he's not feeling it, at all.

"Well," Eddie says, drawing out the word, seemingly unsure if he should keep talking.

"Well, what?" Steve asks, pausing, and pulling Eddie off the sidewalk and into a little hedgerow. They stand there looking at each other.

"There was one other option, but he didn't want to do it, so I kept my mouth shut," Eddie says, looking at the ground.

"So, that guy could say no, but I'm just the schmuck who had to accept this thing? This weight on my shoulders?" Steve asks.

"I didn't know you then. You were just a name, a profile, on paper," Eddie explains, still looking down.

"And you knew the other guy?"

Eddie nods.

"Who is it? Do I know him?"

Eddie looks up, quietly asking Steve if he'll keep this secret, and Steve reluctantly nods.

"My Uncle Wayne," Eddie says, "he's retired, and already he did his duty to the Crown, and didn't want that kind of spotlight trained on him. He just wanted to go on, living his normal life. He didn't ask for it any more than you did."

Steve nods, he understands, even if it doesn't make him feel much better.

"Oh," Steve says, "I understand. I just wish, well, that I'd have been given more of a choice, too. If I said no, they'd have found him, eventually, right?"

Eddie nods, "I'm sorry, sir."

Steve gets it. Unless he wants to make that old, retired man sit on the throne, he's stuck.

"It's okay, Eddie. But I feel alone here, most of the time, so I'd like Robin to move here. Can that happen?"

Eddie shakes his head, looking sad.

"Sir, they're never going to allow you to marry your American girlfriend. It's been a hard enough sell for you."

Steve laughs, pushing his bangs back off of his forehead, "Girlfriend? No way. She's my best friend. Platonic with a capital P, only."

"Oh, well, then, yes. I'm sure we could arrange for that to happen, assuming she'd like to come."

Steve grins, wide. That's the best news he's gotten in weeks.

They start walking again, "Do you live at the palace?" Steve asks.

Eddie chuckles, and shakes his head, "No, sir, I don't live at the palace. It just seems like it."

He's teasing, and it makes Steve smile.

"Where do you live, then?" Steve asks.

"Right around the corner, actually," Eddie says, and Steve stops walking.

"Can we go see it?" Steve asks.

"You want to go to my flat, sir?" Eddie questions.

Steve realizes that was probably rude to invite himself over, "Only if you want me to. You're not obligated, of course."

"I didn't think I was obligated, Steve," Eddie says, "but it might not exactly be tidy. I wasn't expecting a royal to want to visit me at home."

"Do I look like I'm gonna care about that?" Steve asks, and Eddie smiles, and redirects them, but still keeps just behind his shoulder.

Eddie's apartment is nice, and not as messy as he'd sold it as. Steve looks around, at the pictures on the walls. At his guitar on a stand by the couch. Eddie is digging in the fridge and brings him a beer, which Steve takes with enthusiasm. He's been offered wine, and liquor, at the palace, but this is just a regular beer. That he'll be allowed to drink out of the bottle, no glass in sight.

It feels like home, and he twists off the cap, sliding it into his shirt pocket.

Eddie sits next to him on the couch, and they drink, and just make small talk. It feels normal. Cozy. Like he's in someone's home, instead of a museum, and he longs for a place like this to call his own again. He took it for granted back home, and now he misses those days. Misses Robin.

They don't stay long, and just walk back to the palace after they've finished their beers, but it's the best night Steve's had since he's gotten to this country.

"I can't move to London," Robin says across the ocean through the phone, and Steve slumps at his desk.

"But, I miss you," Steve says, twisting the cord around his fingers.

"Well, you should have thought of that before you packed your shit and ran away to play King," Robin snarks.

She's teasing, but it's true.

"Will you at least come to visit?" he asks, hoping. Begging.

"Of course," she says, "if you're paying."

"I'm paying. I'm the King, you know. Just be aware you'll have to curtsy to me," he teases.

"Yeah, never gonna happen, dingus."

But she agrees, so he puts Eddie on the case to set it all up through his office.

"I want to go to the movies," Steve declares suddenly, and Eddie looks over at him. They're sitting across from each other at a desk, as Steve's going over paperwork from his red box. Signing what he needs to sign, asking Eddie about what he still doesn't understand.

"The movies?" Eddie questions.

"Yeah, you know, a movie theater?"

"I'll see what I can do, sir," Eddie says, with a smile.

That night, Eddie guides him to a secluded room. And it's a private theater. Right in the palace.

"This has been here all along?" Steve asks.

"Well, yes, sir, but it's really for the staff. But I cleared it tonight, for you."

Steve doesn't even care what they watch, he just wants to have some fun.

"Thanks, Eddie," Steve says, settling into one of the chairs. Patting the one beside him for Eddie to sit, and after Eddie's collected a bucket of already prepared popcorn from a table, he does sit, and hands it over to Steve.

They sit side-by-side, watching a movie, sharing the bucket of popcorn, and it feels normal for a couple hours. He could have been on a date, a regular date back home, tonight.

But it's Eddie, and he can't kiss him at the end of the night, even if he'd like to. This gift from him was more than enough.

Eddie follows him back to his bedroom, and turns down the bed, and Steve stands there, watching him.

"Thanks for tonight, Eddie. I had a lot of fun," Steve says.

"Me too, sir," Eddie answers, "goodnight."

Steve is standing out on the step, bouncing on his feet, nervous. Excited. Robin is on the way, and when they finally pull up with her, she leaps out of the car and runs straight into his arms. Not a curtsy in sight. He catches her and spins her, hugging her tight. He didn't realize it until this very moment, that one of the things he's been missing the most is human touch. None of these people touch him. No friendly hands on a shoulder, or arm.

No reassurance. No checking on his emotional needs. No comforting him. No checking in, at all. He's just supposed to function, as is, all on his own, he supposes.

He's been needing a hug, he realizes, and he buries his face in her neck, and if it's weird, she's going with it.

"I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to my new home," he says, and she grabs his hand, and he lets her pull him into the palace and up the staircase, at a near run. Dodging staffers, who bow to him as he is dragged past them. They clearly disapprove, but he doesn't give a shit. This is the most normal thing he's experienced in weeks.

She pauses at the top of the staircase, but only because she doesn't know where she's going.

He nods to the left, and he's being pulled along again, giving her directions to his bedroom, and once they're inside, she launches herself onto his bed, bouncing.

He smiles, and hops up next to her.

"Holy shit, Steve, look at this place!" she shouts, eyes wide as she looks around.

"I know, right?" he asks, but he's only looking at her. She's the only thing in this whole room that he cares about, that he loves.

That night he wraps his arm over her side, crowding up behind her, and she lets him hold her, "I'm so happy to see you."

"You better not be that kind of happy to see me," she says, contorting to get away from his crotch.

He laughs, laying his head on his pillow, "I'll try to keep it in check."

"You better, dingus."

And dingus sounds like a better, more fitting, title than King ever has, a thousand times over.

He wants to be her dingus, he doesn't want to be the King.

Steve is startled awake in the morning, by Eddie at the foot of his bed.

"Oh, Your Majesty, I do apologize," Eddie says, starting to back away from the bed, "I didn't realize you had company."

Robin looks at him, giving him the once over, "Well, not that kind of company, Jeeves. Let's get that straight."

Steve laughs, and nods, "Definitely not that kind of company, Eddie."

"We're best friends," Robin says.

"Platonic with a capital P," Eddie repeats, "as Your Majesty has said."

"Your Majesty," Robin says with a cackle, rolling towards him, and he slaps her on the arm, and it just makes her laugh harder. "King Dingus."

"He hasn't picked a regnal name yet, so perhaps that could be an option?" Eddie says, and Steve can't believe it. It's the funniest thing Eddie's ever said in Steve's presence, by far.

Steve laughs, throwing his head back, melting into the bed again.

Eddie just looks confused, and a little alarmed. But he still draws back the curtains, and brings Steve and Robin in a wheeled cart full of breakfast and coffee.

"Thanks, Eddie," Steve says.

"Sir, madam," Eddie says, and he bows his head at the neck, and then he's gone.

As soon as the door closes, Robin slugs Steve in the arm, "You have a crush on Jeeves!"

Steve doesn't even try to deny it, just smiles, "Yeah, that's Eddie."

Robin stays two weeks, and then she goes back home to their real life. And Steve's agitated. He misses her. He should have gone home with her.

Eddie comes in carrying a large, heavy by the look of it, cardboard box. Great, now what?

"What's that?" Steve asks, standing to go take a look as Eddie places it down on the table.

"Your hairspray, Your Majesty," Eddie says, opening the flaps, "I'm sorry it took so long. I had to convince Unilever to engage in a short, private production run, just for you, sir."

"No fucking way," Steve says, reaching in to pick up a can, and it's really it.

He grabs Eddie and hugs him, shaking him around, and Eddie is just a ragdoll in his arms, but Steve could kiss him, he's so happy.

"Thank you, Eddie, you're now my favorite person. Robin, who?" he teases, immediately taking a can to the bathroom.

Eddie follows, and watches him as he sprays it on his hair and tries to style it, even though it's not wet.

"Just wait until tomorrow, I'll look so damn good," Steve says, and he meets Eddie's eyes in the mirror, and Eddie's blushing.

"I'm sure you will, sir," Eddie says, and Steve can feel it between them. The sexual tension. The attraction. He's not sure how to do anything about it, if he even can.

But he wants to, and it's nice to have that feeling again. About anyone. And he's happy it's Eddie that's making him feel like this, because he really likes him a lot.

"Can we go swimming today?" Steve asks, and Eddie looks at the schedule, and nods.

"I think we can fit that in this evening, if you'd like, sir," Eddie answers.

"Yes, please," Steve says.

That evening, they walk down to the private pool and Eddie stands there while Steve strips off his shirt.

"Aren't you coming in?" Steve asks. He's assumed Eddie would. It's a sport, and that's one of the few things they do together, as almost equals.

"Sir?" Eddie questions.

"C'mon, get in!" Steve shouts, laughing, splashing water towards Eddie, which Eddie dodges easily. But Eddie nods. Disappearing into one of the locker rooms.

Steve's taking bets with himself, if Eddie will be in one of those silly old-fashioned, striped swim costumes with shoulder straps when he comes back.

He's not.

He's just wearing a pair of basic black trunks, and Steve can't help it as his eyes rake over Eddie's pale, exposed skin.

Steve's not sure he's even seen Eddie's forearms, let alone is his bare chest. He has a tattoo. More than one, it looks like, and Steve grins. Fully enjoying the view. Maybe he's not as buttoned-up as he appears on the surface.

Eddie comes down the steps and pushes off, and swims towards Steve.

"What now, sir?" Eddie asks, treading water.

"I was thinking about laps, but anything would be good with me," Steve says. As long as he's with Eddie, he's in.

And they fall into lane lines, and Steve breathes to his left so he can see Eddie, and for once, they are side-by-side, equals. They both do a flip-turn and push off, resurfacing together. Steve smiles, and keeps kicking.

He feels normal, here, now. Swimming. His teammate beside him. And Eddie is his teammate, maybe the only one he has in this place. He's surrounded by people, but he feels like Eddie is the only one that ever actually sees him.

And he's happy as they swim, together, until they are both struggling to breathe, clinging to the side of the pool. Steve rests his head on his arms, and feels good. Really, really good.

His happiness doesn't last long.

The next morning, Gareth comes into his office, with four or five other staffers trailing behind him.

"Your Majesty, we'd like to discuss taking the first steps towards the wedding," Gareth says.

"Whose wedding?" Steve asks.

"Yours, sir," Gareth says, and Steve sees red. He knew they were scheming to set him up on dates with various available women, but this is too far. He'll be the King, but marrying a stranger isn't happening.

"I'm not getting married!" Steve snaps as he storms out, turning to hold his hand up, giving the universal motion to stop, demanding that they not follow.

Steve only wants to find Eddie.

Eddie is walking down the hallway, and Steve accosts him.

"This is too far, you can't tell me who to marry, Eddie!" Steve yells, and Eddie quickly grabs him by the arm, and pulls him into Steve's bedroom, and shuts the door behind them. Locking them inside.

"Your Majesty, please, it's for the good of the country. To protect your bloodline, your birthright. You're the last. You need to marry, and produce heirs. That's just how it's done."

"I'm not the last and you know it!" Steve screams.

"Please," Eddie says softly, like he's trying to tame Steve, "please consider doing this. It's the right thing to do."

Steve crosses his arms across his chest, "Absolutely not."

"Sir, please," Eddie says.

"Stop calling me sir, if you're gonna fuck me over, at least use my name, for god's sake."

"Steve," Eddie says, "we aren't doing this to hurt you."

"Well, it sure feels like you are. What about love? What about who I love?" Steve asks, his voice softer.

"Love must be subordinated for the good of the monarchy, Steve," Eddie says, his voice softer now, too.

Eddie has called him Steve, here, and Steve can't even be happy about it.

"No. No way. No, no, no."

"Princess Caroline is a perfectly acceptable choice. You need to do this."

"You're serious?" Steve snaps.

"Yes!" Eddie snaps back.

"I won't, I'm not marrying someone I don't love!" Steve assures loudly, and he means that. They can't make him. "This place is terrible, this job, it's bullshit! It's all bullshit! I'd rather be selling hot dogs, or ice cream, than to be locked up here in this gilded cage! At least at home my choices were my own and I could fuck up my life any damn way I saw fit!" Steve screams.

"Steve," Eddie says, scrubbing his hands over his face and Steve's never seen him this undone, "Why? Why are you fighting this? This is just how things are done."

"You know why," Steve says, crossing the room and closing the space between them.

"I don't…that's not…" Eddie mutters, looking anywhere but at Steve.

"Eddie," Steve says, taking him by the shoulders, "look at me."

Eddie does, reluctantly.

"I can't marry Princess Caroline, because I love you."

Eddie's face falls, like he's just been given terrible news, and Steve's stomach drops. He's miscalculated this, all of this, and immediately lets go of him. They haven't been flirting, they haven't been anything to each other. Steve has misinterpreted their whole thing.

He feels sick.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Steve says, taking a step back, "I shouldn't have said that to you. Please, don't-"

But his words are cut off, when Eddie is suddenly moving towards him, and finally, finally presses his lips to Steve's.

Steve reaches his hand up, and cups the back of Eddie's head. It's better than he'd even fantasized about. He kisses him, over and over, holding him. Finally touching him in all the ways he's longed to, for months.

"Eddie," Steve breathes out, once they've separated, and Eddie just smiles at him and takes him by the hand, leading him towards the truly outlandish bed. He hadn't dreamed this is where the day would end up, even if he'd dared to hope.

Eddie pushes Steve onto his back on the bed, and the dynamic has shifted in a way that Steve loves. Yes, please. More of this. He watches as Eddie pulls off his jacket, his tie, and unbuttons his dress shirt.

It's the best strip tease Steve's witnessed in his whole life.

And when Eddie crawls on top of him, in just his underwear, Steve laughs and wraps his arms around Eddie, pulling him close. Pressing kisses to his shoulder, his chest, anywhere he can reach.

After, Steve brushes his hand through Eddie's hair, holding him, as they lay together. Eddie's legs are tangled with his, and they're comfortable here, together.

"I need to quit," Steve says, softly.

"I know you do," Eddie answers, pressing his lips to Steve's chest.

"Will your uncle take over? If I do?" Steve asks.

"I'll talk to him," Eddie assures.

"Will you go with me when I leave? Or will you need to stay with him?" Steve asks.

"At first, I'll feel I'm obligated to stay," Eddie says, "he's my uncle. He raised me. But after he gets settled, perhaps."

Perhaps isn't a no, so Steve takes that as good news, and just pulls him closer while he has the chance.

"Maybe, you'd like to settle in with me here at my flat, for a stretch. Before you go home," Eddie suggests and Steve nods. Absolutely. Yes, to that. Please.

Eddie and his speechwriters help him perfect his abdication speech, and write his Instrument of Abdication letter. Wayne Munson, at his side. Stoic and quiet, but willing now, to accept this responsibility.

Steve signs it, and Eddie, Gareth, Goodwin and Williams all sign as witnesses to his signature.

And it's done, basically.

"You boys do realize I have no children, so this might come right back to you, after I'm gone," Wayne says softly.

And Steve and Eddie both nod. They know. But they appreciate this time Wayne's given them, to live and love. It's a gift, because he loves Eddie and wants him to be happy. Steve knows that, and he won't take it for granted. Not ever.

In a few days time, he's standing before Parliament, something he's never had to do, before now.

"My Lords and Members of the House of Commons, I know it is unusual for a King to address you in this manner, but I have some things I'd like to say, that I'd like for you to hear them in person, from me," he starts, before going on to apologize for being too set in his ways, too American for this duty. But he explains that there is another heir, an English one, also born into the House of Wyndam-Pryce. He tells them that it was discovered after Steve had assumed the throne, but now that he knows, he feels it only right to step down. He introduces Wayne, and turns over the Crown, happily.

As soon as he steps back from the podium, he feels like the weight of the world has left his shoulders. He walks out into the sunshine and smiles, closing his eyes, tilting his head towards the sky.

He's a free man, once again.

Eddie is waiting, and takes his hand, and finally, for once, Eddie steps out ahead of him, leading the way.

There are lots of people standing around watching him pack, and Steve looks around, "Are they scared I'm going to steal something?"

Eddie laughs, "Well, maybe. You can't take anything that belongs to the Crown."

"I only want to take one thing with me," Steve says, smiling.

Eddie grins, lowering his voice, "Me?"

"Okay, well, two things," Steve teases, and Eddie cocks his head, curious.

Steve walks down the staircase, carrying the giant cardboard box of hairspray. Eddie holds the door open for him, and then helps him put it in the trunk. Technically, it belongs to the Crown, but Steve is sure they'll never miss it. If Wayne wants him beheaded for taking it, bring it on. The man hardly has any hair at all left, so he definitely doesn't have a pressing need for hairspray.

"So, how was it to be King?" Eddie asks, settling into the back of the town car beside him.

"Well, I met you and I got a lifetime supply of my favorite hairspray, so pretty good, overall," Steve teases, and reaches over and takes Eddie's hand, looking at the window as the palace grows smaller in the distance behind them.

He's not the King, not anymore.

But he's Eddie's boyfriend, his partner, and he's pretty sure that's a way more important role for him to try and fill.

Notes: This originally started for Steddie Holiday Drabbles, but the length got away from me. And then really got away from me. I couldn't condense this into 1000 words, it seems. So, I did something different for that Royalty AU and used this one here.

Royalty isn't really in my wheelhouse, but King Ralph popped into my head, and made me cackle. Sure, I'll make American Steve an unlikely King. No problem.

I'm sure Eddie had the job of about a dozen men, here. Go with it.

Also? John Goodman is a damn delight. Nobody could deliver the "dick of what?" line better than that, though I had Steve try.

Wienerlicious was from the show Chuck.

House of Wyndam-Pryce is a Buffy joke. That's Wesley's last name, and Wyndham was the fictional name in King Ralph. So it seemed fitting.

If you want to write your own, or see more entries for this challenge, pop on over to @steddiemas and follow along!

#steddiemas #hallmark movie tropes #royalty au #steddie #steddie ficlet #steve harrington #eddie munson #king steve #platonic stobin #stranger things fic #thisapplepielife: short fic #thisapplepielife: steddiemas

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abrisaber · 4 months

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Full Moon kinda sucked :/ (Another HB Rant - Spoilers for Full Moon)

I hate to say this but I think Vivziepop has finally lost me. Now I'm not saying I'm no longer an HB fan, JMI was geneticlly enginered to get me addicted to whatever he's in meaning I could'nt stop watching HB even if I tried. However I am starting to doubt Vivziepops talents. I have no idea what happened between the first half of Season 2 and the second half but this kind of seasonal rot has to be studied in a fucking lab.

I want to like the episodes after "The Circus," I really do. I don't even hate Cherubs, but aside from Oops and the Mid-Special, every episode following The Circus has ranged from disapointing to awful compared to S1.

It's not even like I hate the episodes after The Circus either. Seeing Stars was okay for the most part, Exes and Oohs tried to do something, even Unhappy Campers introduced a potentally intresting character (and thats it). But these episodes have so many glaring flaws in my book that it's hard to grasp.

In my opinion, Helluva Boss was at its best during the balk half of season 1/The beginning of Season 2 (Truth Seekers-The Circus) and the decline in writing quality started at around Seeing Stars.

I made a long post that explains what about Truth Seekers I like so if you care even a little bit about my opinions, you can suffer through that rant, but to shorten it here, Truth Seekers is my favorite episode of the series because it balances the comedy and the drama expertly imo. Truth Seekers feels like Helluva Boss had finally stuck the landing at what kind of show it wanted to be. It showcased how Blitzo felt about his past relationships and his current one, it gave Moxxie a chance to be heard outside of his flaws (before the show decided they wanted to retread the same fucking plotpoint a couple more times), and it was pretty funny (comedy is subjective tho so feel free to ignore my feelings on comedy from here on out).

Ozzies is a good episode because, well, Asmodeus, but also it does more for Blitzo's character. It contrasts with Truth Seekers via two of the three halucinations calling him out on his shit, and it starts to build upon how he views his relationship with Stolas.

While I don't really like The Circus, what it did at the end for Stolas and overall how it setup the relationship for him and Blitzo was genuinly good imo. How it started with Blitzo initiating the one sidedness of their relationship and whatnot.

Notice how I'm talking almost exclusively about Blitzo as my reasons for enjoying these episodes more than others. And thats because Helluva Boss is at its best when it treats Blitzo as its main character. Even from the beginning he was the real star. Obviously you have characters like Stolas and Moxxie also getting focous, but even in those episodes, Blitzo still gets development, because Blitzo is the main driving force for the show. He's the Helluva Boss. He's the center, the emotional core. HB should be about HIM and HIS relationships to others.

Some of the worst episodes are the ones where Blitzo isn't really the main focous, I'm not saying that Blitzo automaticlly makes the show good or that he should be the only one get focus, but when you pull back and look at the series, almost every beloved episode have him (or him and Stolas) at its emotional center.

To keep this already long post from being absurdly long, I'll skip ahead to why I really didnt like the newest episode, Full Moon.

SPOILERS AHEAD

First things first, the Cherubs and Dhorks fucking suck ass as antagonists. They're annoying, they're not funny, and just like Crimson and Striker in Oops, they serve zero narritve purpose outside of being glorified cardboard cutouts for the main characters to fight. They are everything wrong with B-plots in media. Their only existence is to create artifical narritve throughlines that makes artifical suspence to keep the audience engaged like babies watching those baby sensory videos. "Oooo look its the Cherubs from the most nothing burger episode of Season 1. Oooo it's the Dhorks that are easily the most forgetable aspect of Truth Seekers. OOOhhh isnt it sooooo fucking hilarous how the Dhorks killed a bunch of children? Ohhh aren't you so invested to see these characters that mean absolutely nothing to the plot that Vivziepop is trying to sell the show with? DONT YOU JUST LOVE THESE KEY JINGLING ASS CHARACTERS YOU FUCKING BABY-"

I got a little carries away there, but my point is that Dhorks and the Cherubs are worthless slop that should be removed from the plot entirely.

Usually I wouldn't even care since 2/3 instances where useless villans show up to be useless, the main plot not involving them is really good (Refering to Oops and Truth Seekers).

But the main-plot in this episode is just as bad, if not WORSE than the B-plot.

Regarding my previous rant again, I was an avid defender of Stolitz up until maybe Western Energy, although in that case with the aftermath of Ozzies being handled mostly offscreen is more me being skeptical about Vivs pacing and writibg style. I didn't have a problem with the actual idea of Stolitz yet, just with the execution.

In actuality, my problem with the writing started in The Full Moon.

Even with me being an avid defender of Stolitz, even with me analyizng and disecting Blitzo's mentality and reasonings and emotional trauma, even with me trying to justify BOTH sides of this toxic relationship with no real abuser,

THIS does NOT come off as Blitzo begging to keep Stolas in his life because he cares about him and wants to be with him. I'm sure theres some of that in there and I still have faith that Viv try to put more of that into the execution going forward. But no matter how many times I watch this ending scene and the scenes before it, no matter how long I sit and think and think and think about this dynamic, this scene does NOT feel that way to me.

To me, this scene looks like a lower class citizen begging on his knees to the person whos essentaily employing them to let him keep his job to be able to feed his family and keep his colluges/close friends in work.

This feels like a man whos society is stacked against him trying to keep the one thing he has afloat.

I don't feel this way towards the entire scene. When Blitzo tries to avoid the whole conversation by trying to keep the transaction going, thats when I see more of the emotional side, but it still doesn't sit right with me how the dynamic is being represented.

Stolas explains it pretty well in the moments after. He says "This transactional thing we have, its not right anymore. It hasn't been. It never was. And now, all I can see is how wrong it is to be teathered to someone in such an unfair way. And not know how they feel."

To me, this finally feels like Stolas coming to his senses and realizing that he and Blitzo's relationship is unbalanced. He sees that Blitzo's reliance on him is unfair, so he works to end it.

My problems start to arise again when Stolas reacts to Blitzo trying to play it off again as Roleplay.

I can understand his side of the coin, how he feels that Blitzo only wanted him for sex and nothing more, or how he believes that Blitzo doesnt really care for his feelings and only stays for the book, and when giving Blitzo the option, he chooses to ignore it.

But I still cannot get over how icky this scene makes me feel. Blitzo has made it clear how he thinks Stolas feels about their relationship. In the Just Look My Way music video it seems that Stolas somewhat realizes that Blitzo is hurting in some capacity. When Blitzo vents his frustraitions, Stolas says "I didn't know you thought so lowly of me" which doesnt make any fucking sense in response to what Blitzo is saying.

Again, its that image of a person mistreated by society begging someone who is privlaged to let him keep his job. I cant stomach this idea that Stolas got his fucking feelings hurt over someone he indirectly played with for his own pleasure and to escape his marrige venting their frustraitions about how THEY feel about it. HE HIMSELF admitted that the relationship was unfair, so when Blitzo says "You treat me poorly and expect me to believe when you suddenly express your feelings for me? Can I get a minute to actually process what you said," its litteraly just parroting what Stolas was saying.

Stolas knows how Blitzo feels. He knows Blitzo is hurting. And yeah past relationship trauma isnt an excuse to be shitty, but it's not like Stolas made it very obvious that he did actually care about Blitzo's emotions.

Up until this point the relationship has been one sided on both sides. Both parties think the other doesnt care or that the other is just using them for something. Both sides caught feelings and didnt want to admit it, and Stolas was the bigger person for trying to initiate that discussion. But with the ending line Stolas says and all the promotional matreal being released for the upcoming seasons, the show feels like its going to make Blitzo out to be the one in the wrong when he isnt. Blitzo did the same fucking things Stolas did, so why does it feel like the next few episodes are just going to be "Blitzo sucks and we hate him." Like are you fucking serious??

Maybe I'm reading the whole thing wrong, who knows at this point.

#helluva boss #stolitz #helluva boss analysis #helluva boss critical #vivziepop critical #vivziepop

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strawberrylollipop26-blog-blog · 2 months

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Movie/Show Round UP

I haven't done one of these in awhile. As always, my thoughts are short and to the point. I don't go in depth. I'm not a professional reviewer, just my thoughts.

Under the cut there are reviews for Fly Me to the Moon, Inside/Out 2, Despicable Me 4, A Quiet Place: Day One, Dune Part 2, Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, Bad Boys: Ride or Die, Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, The Fall Guy, Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga, Civil War, Madame Web, Argylle, Abigail and The Bikeriders. TV shows: Legend of Fei and Halloween Baking Championship.

Fly Me to the Moon: I saw this movie during a three show day at the theater. It was the middle movie and the biggest question mark. Turns out, the whole 'did they or didn't they' land on the moon theory was actually interesting. While I have zero interest in a rewatch, definitely worth attempting for first time viewers.

Inside/Out 2: This movie was exactly the same as the first. There's nothing new here except for possibly children experiencing new emotions. As an adult, I was bored.

Despicable Me 4: Cute. This film added nothing.

A Quiet Place: Day One: I thought it was nicely done. Still, didn't knock my socks off like the first one. My spouse wanted to know exactly how people learned to be quiet. I tried to tell him that they showed it in the second movie. He wanted more of a show. He was also annoyed that we know nothing about the aliens and it's the third movie. Slight spoiler, I wish we didn't know something about a certain character because it would've made the ending decision so much more impactful.

Dune: Part 2: Well, he tried to warn them about what would happen. I like the action that happens even though it all folds into a pretty box.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire: I barely remember this movie. It was sort of reminiscent of the previous one. A typical unite to defeat the super evil blah blah blah.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes: Disturbing T!k T0ks regarding the leads aside, this movie was enjoyable. Although, I had no idea a new movie series was starting. There were quite the few holes left so I'd see the second one.

Bad Boys: Ride or Die: I saw this before the previous one so I was quite confused in certain parts. All in all it was enjoyable. There are some funny moments. I've had the urge to watch again.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire: I haven't seen this in awhile. From what I remember there's a side character hero in here that's pretty funny. Pretty textbook, you know what's going to happen before it does.

The Fall Guy: I've heard people talking about this one and disliking it. I thought the whole purpose was to have an outrageous fun movie showing crazy stunts the doubles do. Is it the best movie? No, but if you like action it's worth a watch.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga: I'm an action girl. I highly valued the first Mad Max. This movie is obviously character based therefore slower to catch the stages of development (it's even told in chapters). I was bored. All the story shows in the normal character faced adversity, lived a hard life, finally goes for their revenge. Zero interest in a rewatch. I'll turn on the first one again.

Civil War: A weird movie full of numerous holes. A waste of my time.

Madame Web: I thought it was okay even though this movie was review bombed. There's nothing special about it, but it's not the worst movie that people complained about. Then again, to each their own.

Argylle: Another movie that was review bombed. I also guessed the likely story in this one. I think this movie suffers mostly from trying to be too many things. It goes for serious, yet wild and fun, yet logical. I think if the movie with the effects stayed 'out there' then people would've found it more enjoyable. Maybe.

Sidenote: My husband is always surprised that me (comedy hater) loves Rat Race and Joe Dirt. My response is always the same. Both movies are unapologetically insane. They don't take themselves seriously at all. I think Argylle should've done this as they had moments before deciding to become a serious spy movie.

The Bikeriders: First of all there's a narrator to this movie. Threw me off a bit at first, I normally don't watch those type of movies because i feel it leaves off clues. The movie's okay. Practically a drama in a bikerider setting. There isn't much mystery so another one that's easy to read.

Abigail: I enjoyed this movie until the ending. Not much I can say without spoiling.

Legend of Fei: I finally finished this show. Took me forever as it has good episodes, and others I cared less for (admittedly skipped scenes). Some characters were so annoying. Thankfully, Fei stopped passing out which was killing me. Xie Yun is my absolute fave. I might be biased, but all his scenes were so much fun except for the ones where he's sick :( . I've read reviews where people say they can watch this repeatedly, I'm not one of them. One and done. Sort of reminded me of WoH main storyline.

Sidenote: I love the one scene where he's reminiscing the past in his dreams and he no longer has money. The way this man kept opening up his pouch and dumping it over to make sure there were no coins. So relatable in my younger days.

Halloween Baking Championship: An era has come to an end or at least caught up in the seasons. I really like this cooking show. I hope people have some out of the box creations in the new year coming up.

#Halloween baking championship #legend of fei #wang yibo #abigail #the bikeriders #argylle #madame web #civil war #mad max furiosa #the fall guy #ghostbusters frozen empire #bad boys ride or die #kingdom of the planet of the apes #godzila x kong #dune part two #a quiet place day one #despicable me 4 #inside out 2 #fly me to the moon

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medics-secret-shipfic-folder · 3 months

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I have been reading this fic basically nonstop , I started yesterday hating Cheavy’s guts and here I am today crying about him in chapter 12

GOOD LORD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME ☹️

YES! I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE!

Ok all jokes aside I do want to hijack this ask to talk about something that I haven't really spoken about, and that's why I think Cheavy works so well in tbtf. It comes down to four major points that makes him sympathetic without taking away what makes Cheavy a fun character in the first place, that being his attitude and temper.

1 - Cheavy is outclassed in tbtf: In the comics, Cheavy was a threatening antagonist thanks to both his own team, his willingness to get his hands dirty, and his own underhanded fighting style. He had the upper hand for the brief period he usurped Gray Mann. But in tbtf? Cheavy is outclassed by EVERY other antagonist. The Shadow Blight, the Disciples, the DAPC, Alexander - they all outshine him in terms of their presence and how threatening they are. Cheavy is just a mercenary, the Shadow Blight and Disciples are ELDRITCH GODS. Cheavy isn't "the big bad" anymore because there's an even bigger bad to remind you what the stakes are. It's easier to sympathize with someone when there are comparatively bigger problems at hand. It's that age-old joke of "here's an incompetent villain, now here's the REAL villain to knock them down!"

2 - Cheavy is a complete wackadoodle in tbtf: Cheavy's attitude and temper are his most defining characteristics in the comics, they inform his presence as an antagonist. But in tbtf? They've been redefined as vehicles for comedy, and Cheavy is so completely out of his element that everything in the fic baffles and confuses him. And it's funny! It's funny seeing him be utterly incredulous at the Resonance Arks, its funny watching him cuss out a giant flaming salamander! And more to the point, this incredulity makes him out to be someone who is completely done with the apocalypse. He's only been here a month and he is SO sick of this shit. And there's also the implication that this man is starting to lose it a little. The other mercs have largely adjusted to the situation, but Cheavy still needs a moment to yell about his predicament. It's good! It's funny! It makes Cheavy far more endearing to the audience!

3 - Cheavy is completely pitiful in tbtf: With all that said, there's also this sense of pitiful emptiness to Cheavy. The more you read, the more you realize that Cheavy is pretty damn pathetic. He's spent most of his life endlessly fighting for survival, whether it be against his abusive father, his Golden Child siblings, fighting for the Sisterhood and BLU, or fighting for his life in the apocalypse. His life has been one long string of brawls with no real end to it. He doesn't really have a purpose beyond it and thinks that it's all he's good for - its a life that is utterly pitiful and hollow. Moreover, when you see Cheavy at his most vulnerable in chapters 13 and 17, you get to see the emotionally raw and broken man that he's been hiding for decades. When the mask of the "Big Bad Boss of BLU" slips, he has nowhere to turn to. It works to keep his characteristic attitude intact, while also giving you a glimpse into the vulnerable man underneath. Its very heartwrenching, and I've been told that these particular scenes have made several people cry over Cheavy. Its a very sensitive and sympathetic nerve to pull on. It's hard to be scared by someone who just wants one thing in life...

4 - Cheavy is utterly devoted to Cmedic: And this here is the crown jewel of the piece that makes everything work. Cheavy is COMPLETELY devoted to Cmedic to a degree that most people would find unhealthy. We've seen what Heavy's do when their Medic's are threatened, and Cheavy cranks that up tenfold. He adores Cmedic, he loves him, he can't bear to see anything happen to Cmedic. He risks life and limb for Cmedic, he throws himself in front of an eldritch god to protect him, he comforts Cmedic when he's revealed to the The Marker, he comforts Cmedic in chapter 15 in a scene that is completely heartbreaking. Cheavy would GLADLY lie down on a fucking sword for Cmedic - and this devotion informs everything about Cheavy, right down to his virtues and vices. You see how adoring and doting he is, and you wonder "what kind of person does Cmedic have to be to cause this kind of behavior?" And then you see Cmedic, and you get it. Cmedic is deeply loving, inordinately kind, and extremely passionate about everything he does. He's a delight to be around, as seen in how quickly he becomes friends with Medic and Heavy. Cmedic is wonderful, intelligent, empathetic - he's everything that Cheavy has ever wanted in his life. Cheavy loves Cmedic so much that he'd put himself in grave danger just to make the world a slightly safer place for him. Cmedic brings out the best in Cheavy, and you see that everywhere in tbtf. When Cmedic is around, Cheavy is shown to be understanding, patient, gentle, and...well, even a bit of a flirtatious goofball. We see the little irrational quirks and idiosyncrasies that make Cheavy human. You see what drives him, and you want him to be happy. You see the side of him that made Cmedic fall in love with him, and it works wonders to garner sympathy from the audience.

And this is why I think Cheavy works SO WELL in tbtf. His "bad" traits from the comics are recontextualized for comedy, but there's also plenty of quiet, serious, and touching moments with Cmedic that adds a shitton of sympathy to his character. And its the comedy that makes those serious moments hit so much harder.

Anyways, thank you for coming to my Heal and Steel Tedtalk.

#team fortress 2 #tf2 #take back the fortress

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meraki-yao · 5 months

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RWRB Thoughts: The Deadline Contender Panel

Quick list of very direct, subjective, random and spontaneous thoughts I had while listening/watching the panel:

I absolutely understand that Taylor probably doesn't remember every detail of the movie off the top of his head, especially with nerves, but Sweetheart really didn't describe the played DNC scene correctly😅

That being said Taylor calling Henry Alex's boyfriend made me SO FUCKING HAPPY???? I was squealing and kicking my legs because of all the feels. On top of that, intentional or not, Taylor takes a breath so it goes "wanted to bring his... boyfriend!" and there's this subtle emphasis on the word, I am screaming

I do question why this scene though? I don't know much about this whole process, but just an educated guess, if we're trying to get an emmy nom via this panel, shouldn't we be showing a scene that's more representative of the movie's core? Like, say the New Year's scene, or Kensington Palace, or the Lake scene. If we have to include the comedy aspect, then show the freaking Red Room. I love this scene of course, but if the purpose is to nominate ourselves and show ourselves then I feel like another scene should have been picked

Why can't people freaking pronounce Nick's surname correctly? It's phonic! Ga - Lit- Zine

"Orange Guy was still president" I snorted

I heard there's stupid discourse over this minor, harmless thing, but because people are stupid, here to clarify "especially Taylor since he's here" is CLEARLY A JOKE BETWEEN FRIENDS and if you didn't pick that up then that's kind of sad :P

I'm wondering if there's still recordings of the zoom auditions/chem read. I can also imagine zoom chem read being much harder. Honestly I think zoom auditions only work with monologues.

He did the chem read in his sister's apartment lmao

THEIR CHEM READ WAS KENXINGTON????!!! WHAT THE FUCK???!!! THE MOMENT THAT MADE MATTHEW GO "there's the one" WAS THIS FREAKING SCENE??? This also implies they had to say "I love you" upon the first time meeting each other oh my god I wanna see that so bad

Also I cannot freaking imagine this intense of a scene via zoom, God I really want to see it (don't think we'll ever get it but still)

Someone ask Matthew or Nick what the other scene in the chem read is

The notebook, pride and prejudice and 10 things i hate about you mention made me happy :D

The speech thing... Kinda feel like should be a Matthew question? It's cool to hear that Taylor referenced President Obama but this is still ultimately him being Alex? Plus Taylor's a great public speaker to begin with

Did he dabble in political science? Did he ever mention that? I know he did Spanish and Community but political science?

I think the only really bad gay movie in recent years was Bros and that has a myriad of issues internally and externally, but I think it's just this one?

Why is TikTok the metric? Might write something longer in the future when I have time but the thing is with this

Speaking of Taylor and queer roles, I think I saw somewhere that Noah Torres was bi?

I talked to @pippin-katz about this but dear God, I have heard the question "What is your favourite scene" being asked to the boys at least three times now, and they always answer the cake scene. Why don't they ever expand on the question, especially since Taylor affed the Kensington scene this time, and why don't they ever ask other questions or ask about specifics? Between me and my friends, we came up with at least 40 questions that could be asked to the boys and haven't been asked yet.

Nick how the fuck did cream stay in/ behind your ear for two days and Taylor how did you spot it

I'm honestly getting really tired of the sequel question, it's always phrased the same way, and of course, the answer is gonna be the same. Even if they knew, they contractually can't tell us, the first announcement of a sequel will have to come from a bigger source like Amazon themselves.

I understand being nervous but this interviewer felt too timid and unsure of herself

Overall still very enjoyable, always more than happy to hear Taylor speak about his baby that we all love, but the question are so freaking repetitive. I said it clearer in my discussion with Pippin so here's a screenshot of that part

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb movie #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry hanover stuart fox #firstprince #my rwrb list #rwrb rambles #deadline contenders

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slut4fangs · 2 years

Text

Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time Part 2

Part 1

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Female reader

Summary: A steamy game of Truth or Dare escalates between you and your best friend Eddie Munson. It becomes increasingly clear he will stop at nothing to get your attention, including obsessing over you, stalking you at work, and wearing skin tight leather pants. Anything it takes to have you come over a play a naughty game of Truth or Dare

Warnings: 18+ Smut, Eddie is a perv, obsessive, irresistible, flirty, soft dom Eddie and mean Eddie but in a sexy way *wink wink.* Face sitting, creampie, unprotected sex, overstimulation. Eddie is a bit of a stalker because he's obsessed with reader, raunchy drinking game, a healthy amount of exhibitionism. And A bunch of other sexy things I want to be a surprise, etc.

Author's note: I really loved writing the first part so much that I couldn't help but write another one, Eddie and Reader's relationship is very personal to me lol I'm literally fangirling over my own writing right now. Enjoy, and remember to reblog and comment, it really helps and def encourages me to write more + means a lot to me! <3

It had been a week since you and Eddie confessed your feelings for each other, well more or less that's basically what happened. Most nights he would call just to talk about his day and ask you about your day, an excuse to hear your voice and to keep tabs on you. One thing Eddie Munson was sure of was that he didn't want anyone asking you out, or even innocently flirting with you, that was off the table. Eddie thought he was being casual, only coming into Family Video when you were scheduled, but you caught on quick.

"Need help finding anything, Munson," you're leaning up against the horror section shelf, arms crossed over your chest.

Eddie was squatting with his elbows on his knees, trying to find god knows what, he was particular with his horror movies. Eddie's hair was in a low bun, loose strands rested on his cheeks. You fought back a dreamy sigh that threatened to blow your cover, 'play it cool', you thought to yourself.

You squat down beside Eddie, and finally he turns to you, "I would, but the service here sucks," he slaps his knees and stands up, smiling down at you.

You fake pout, "that's offensive, Munson. I keep this place organized, and I do a pretty damn good job at that considering you like to put everything out of order on purpose, just to fuck with me. You're a menace." A very cute menace, honestly.

Eddie did that on purpose, mix up all of the tapes in the horror and comedy section and then watch as you huffed and puffed, organizing them all over again while he watched sitting on top of the counter, usually talking to Steve and Robin. That was most nights, but Sunday nights like tonight you were always on your own, mainly because Sunday was the least busy night and it was an option to work this night. But you were nothing but persistent in the pursuit of moving out of Hawkins, saving up for your way out was on your mind as much as Eddie Munson was. Which was saying something, because you thought about both a lot, both involved escapism and the irony of it all mocked you.

You hold out your hand to Eddie and he yanks you up by your hand so fast you have to steady yourself when you knock into his chest, you scoff while he's clearly amused that you're both chest to chest again.

"Woah, you ok," Eddie steadies you by your waist. You feel like a puddle of feelings looking up at him, all you wanted to do was kiss that goofy grin off his face.

"I would be ok if you stopped rearranging my masterpiece," you cross your arms over your chest, defiant but playful. Your cover was still holding strong, while you were screaming on the inside.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Eddie puts his hands up in defense and chuckles.

"Yes you do, you know exactly what I'm talking about," you poke his chest with your finger.

"But when you organize the bottom shelves I always get the best view of London and France...and your underpants. You know that saying, right?"

"It's a children's rhyme...so yeah, I'm familiar. Why are you interested in my underpants anyways, Munson?" You weren't wearing any panties today and there's no way you were about to organize those VHS tapes in front of Eddie, you would never hear the end of it.

"Stop calling me that."

"Fine, what do you want me to call you?"

"Daddy," Eddie smirks and pokes his tongue out at you.

Your face heats up, you'd be lying if you said you hadn't thought about calling him that outside of your fantasies. "You're such a perv, Eddie oh my god," you turn around and storm to the back of the store, the employee break room just behind the door. Eddie follows behind you, staring at your ass, and making sure to close the distance between you two when you hit the door his crotch is on your ass. Your hand rests on the door knob, frozen in place. It had been a week since you two were this close, it was driving you both insane being so close and keeping the game at play. But now since you both were aware, the rules of the game had changed drastically. Eddie was braver now, blatantly driving you crazy because he knew he could afford to be more obvious and in your face about it.

"Somethin' important in that break room, baby," Eddie whispers in your ear and you can feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in anticipation.

"I have to pee, Eddie." You fake annoyance, this was your only way to maintain your cool, otherwise you would've fucked him in the aisles already. You had half a mind to make the horror section look like a porno, which Family Video would never dare to carry, being a family friendly store and all.

"Can I watch," Eddie says, completely serious and intrigued. Part of him wonders if you would ever consider saying yes to that question.

"Gross, no" you swat him away with your clipboard, you had your checklist for closing the store in hand.

"You should add doing me on that checklist of yours, sweetheart. What do you say," Eddie smiles nudging you back with his elbow. You're both facing each other now and you can feel your breath grow shallow with each passing moment. You wanted to be all over him in that moment, but teasing him was all apart of the fun. He tortured you, so it was only right you got to torture him back.

"Shut up, Eddie," you roll your eyes at him, fighting back a smile. Because his smile was just so contagious, it was hard not to melt at. You turn around, barging into the break room, turned away from Eddie and immediately letting that smile escape you while he wasn't looking at you, butterflies in your stomach.

Careful to coax that smile away because you knew Eddie would follow close behind you, not letting you out of his sight. He was in a good mood today, but that was about to change. You knew the more you teased him the meaner he would get, and that was sort of your goal.

"I have a show this Tuesday," Eddie mentions, sitting down at the break room table, manspreading like some kind of Greek god.

"Yeah...so?" You stand above Eddie and the moment you're close enough for him to grab he pulls you into his lap.

"So you're going," Eddie's voice gets huskier, more demanding as he places a gentle hand on your chin, tilting your face to his. "I don't like your attitude, Princess. Do I have to be mean to get your attention, is that it?"

“M-Maybe,” you stammer, Eddie’s delighted at his new found discovery.

“Ah, I know what you are now, makes a lot of sense too. Hmm, I think I could use this to my advantage.”

“What I am, what do you mean by that?” You wiggle under Eddie’s gaze, his eyes were practically black whenever he was like this, it was mesmerizing as much as it was terrifying.

“You’re. A. Brat. See, you can’t even stop yourself from grinding yourself on my dick. You’re so needy, Princess,” Eddie moves you so that you’re straddling his waist, both of your legs gripping his hips for dear life.

“I thought I was a cocktease,” your voice is hushed, small compared to Eddie’s loud mouth.

“Oh, you are. That’s what you’ve been doing the moment I walked in here, acting like what happened a week ago was nothing. If you wanted to get a fucking rise out of me it worked, you’re coming home with me tonight. When’s your shift end, Princess?”

“In thirty minutes…”

“See you in thirty,” Eddie hops out of his seat, pulling you up with him as he stands, striding out of the room without looking back.

Eddie knew what you wanted now, which was reassuring, but there were still answers left blank whenever he thought about you and what your relationship meant. How far can you go with someone and still consider them a friend? One thing was clear, and that everything had changed between the two of you for good. Maybe you could still consider each other friends, but most friends didn’t spend all day fantasizing about the other. Eddie sat in his van, parked in front of your work, contemplating how insane this all was. He had never felt this crazy about someone. Never could he imagine being so consumed, and so obsessed with you. He had always seen you as beautiful, funny, smart, reliable, but it wasn’t until that game night where you two had first seen each other in a different light. Eddie thought about that night a lot, and wondered how intentional your advances were, or if it was just a pure accident.

Everyone was drunk, laughing and playing cards, when you came back from a night out you found Robin, Nancy, Steve, and Eddie all at the dining room table. Nancy called to you first and managed to ask if you wanted to be dealt in. You said sure and she dealt you a hand of cards, but then you noticed there were no more seats left.

You looked over at Eddie, his lap looked so comfortable and inviting, so sit-able. And so you were still tipsy from the bar, so you thought to yourself ‘fuck it,’ and sat down in Eddie Munson’s lap. Eddie was shocked, you were always so polite and friendly…but never this damn friendly. The pressure of your ass on his thigh made it hard not to get a boner, but he fought for as long as he could, trying to play it cool. No one said a word about it, they hardly even noticed, all distracted with drunk chatter.

“Comfortable, honey,” Eddie squeezes your waist playfully.

“You’re the best seat in the house, Munson,” you say, definitely not thinking about sitting on his face. You had drunk two glasses of wine, and while it was having an effect on you, you were completely aware of your actions, just more inclined to do them is all.

Eddie chuckles, “so I guess girl’s night was better than game night with us then…did you at least miss me,” Eddie fake pouts. He was always naturally flirty so there was nothing off about this, but now things suddenly felt different, dirtier. The way he squeezed your hips made you feel like you were doing something forbidden.

You rub your thighs together at his words, moving to straddle his thigh, your elbows on the table. Staring down at your cards you place one in the deck, everyone was too busy and caught up with conversation to see what was happening right in front of them. It was almost too easy, you thought about taking Eddie to your bedroom right then, no one would even suspect a thing if you said you were tired and wanted to turn in for the night.

“Of course I missed you, don’t be silly,” you rubbed yourself on Eddie’s thigh, testing the waters.

Eddie’s cock grows beneath you and you grind your ass on him, it goes on for about five minutes and Eddie’s doing everything in his power to keep social grace even though you were driving him crazy. Eddie stood suddenly and excused himself to the restroom. Little did you know at the time, he went to your bedroom to relieve himself instead, he left early holding his jacket over his pants to hide the dark patch on his jeans.

“Is he…alright,” Robin questioned, raising an eyebrow in your direction. And for a moment you thought you were about to get caught before anything had actually started. But then thankfully Robin shrugged it off and went back into a rant about the newest book she read and how bogus the ending was. You sighed quietly in relief and went about the rest of your night like normal.

Normal was a funny word, a concept really, a concept that didn’t exist between you and Eddie anymore. That’s why when you opened the passenger door to his van, you didn’t know what to expect.

“So, are you kidnapping me or something? Because I don’t have time for that, I have an air tight schedule, Munson.” You couldn’t help it, the word just slipped out of your mouth, it’s what you were used to calling him. That’s what Steve called him for a long time until eventually Eddie started calling Steve ‘Stevie,’ that’s when everyone followed suit on the first name and nickname basis.

If looks could kill, you’d be dead, the way Eddie stared you down made your stomach do little flips. He looked really hot when he was angry, and maybe subconsciously you wanted to rile him up more than originally intended.

“What did I tell you about calling me that? It’s Eddie, got it?”

“Yes, sir,” you salute him with your hand and he scoffs back at you, muttering something along the lines of ‘that’s more like it’ under his breath while backing out of the parking space.

The ride to Eddie’s place was quiet, he moved into a one bedroom apartment a year ago, it wasn’t fancy but it was homey and modest. Eddie opens the front door for you, letting you go ahead of him, always looking for a chance to gawk at your ass. Eddie didn’t care about being subtle about it anymore, he pinches your ass the moment you step in front of him, cackling when you jump in surprise.

“Eddie! What was that for?!”

“Your butt is really pinchable. I can't help myself, but hey I almost forgot I have a surprise for you,” Eddie smiles mischievously and runs to his cabinets to fish out some shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He was planning on you coming over, he had deep cleaned and reorganized his whole apartment in a nervous rush two hours beforehand. But he would never admit that outright.

You cross your arms over your chest, narrowing your eyes at him, “what’s that for?” Stupid question, you knew what. Eddie wanted to play a game.

“I have a drinking game I’ve been dyin’ to play with you, honey,” bingo, fucking jackpot, you were right.

Eddie looked downright stunning tonight, and you finally have a moment to admire him under good lighting. A Black Sabbath muscle t-shirt that left little to the imagination with leather pants, god how could you only notice now he was wearing leather fucking pants?!

“Like what you see, doll,” Eddie winks and hands you a shot glass and brings you to his room, leading you by one hand, and holding his shot glass and the whiskey bottle in the other.

Eddie’s room was…clean? Strange and unusual behavior from a man that would usually forget empty beer cans in his room.

“Weird,” you mumble under your breath. Eddie’s making himself comfortable, head up against the headboard, pouring himself a shot and motioning for you to set your shot glass down and pours one for you as well. “So this game you’ve been dying to play with me…what exactly is it,” you ask, crawling on Eddie’s lap and making yourself comfortable straddling him for the second time today.

“Truth, Dare, or Drink sweetheart?” Eddie’s grinning from ear to ear, prepared Truth’s and Dare’s already in mind.

“Truth,” you say instinctively, already regretting your choice you wince, knowing what’s bound to come up. Maybe Eddie will go easy on you, or at least wait a few rounds to bring out the big guns so to speak.

“What have you and King Steve done,” oh so he wasn’t going easy on you at all, not even a little bit.

Whatever, you had to answer this truthfully sometime, better late than never. You downed the shot before you spoke, Eddie’s eyes widened at this, his heart skipping several beats. “He taught me a few things, like how to kiss. But it’s not what you think, Eddie. It wasn’t that big of a deal, really. Are you satisfied now?”

“What do you mean taught you a few things, what does that even mean? Just kissing? Why did you need a fucking teacher, anyways. Did he con you into that so he could feel you up or something, I mean, fuck. That just sounds like a porno to me, sounds fucking ridiculous to me.” The thought of you and Steve sharing such an intimate moment, made Eddie’s heart ache a bit, but imagining the two of you kissing did give him a semi hard on.

“Ah ah ah, wait your turn. You only get one question at a time, sir. Play by the rules,” you say, Eddie rolls his eyes at you. “Truth, Dare, or Drink, babe?”

Eddie’s heart flutters at the pet name but he keeps a straight face, “Well, since I’m drinking no matter what after listening to that…fuck it, dare me,” Eddie downs his shot and pours himself another, downing that one as well.

“Jesus, you haven’t even heard the dare yet.”

“I needed the first one for sanity, and the second one for bravery, now dare me!” Eddie yanks your hair playfully and you swat his arm.

“Ok fine, I dare you to…”

Eddie chants, “please say eat your pussy,” three times with his hands clasped together in prayer and his eyes screwed shut while you think of a dare.

“Take your shirt off,” it wasn’t much but it was the best you could think of under pressure.

“Oh, so you are horny, good to know. Lame dare, but good to know,” Eddie tosses his shirt on the floor and slaps your ass. “I could still eat your pussy though, I don’t need to be dared for that. That’s on the house!”

“Focus, Eddie! Keep your head in the game, this is serious!”

“I’ll have you know I am very serious, now Truth, Dare, or Drink?” Eddie’s eyebrows are raised, prompting you, a whole list of truths and dares already circulating his mind.

“Dare…and drink,” you hold out your glass and Eddie pours you another shot and you toss it down, wincing at the burn, but appreciating the warm feeling that grew in your stomach from the whiskey.

Eddie has something wicked in mind, you could tell by the look on his face, “I dare you to sit on my face,” Eddie’s staring you down, laying down and making a ‘come here’ motion with his pointer finger.

You take a deep breath and crawl onto his chest and plant a small kiss on his cheek, the way Eddie had his tongue out and wiggled his eyebrows at you made you throb. Thinking about his tongue on your pussy was something you thought about constantly, and now it was finally happening, in the hottest way possible no less. You place yourself on his face, Eddie grips your thighs, pulling you down further so you weren’t hovering.

“Oh fuck,” you moan, hands running through his curls, you pull on his hair when his tongue sucks at your clit. You start grinding on Eddie’s face and he does the unthinkable, HE starts moaning at how you tasted. Eddie squishes your thighs, massaging them, your face is flush and you try not to laugh. He sucked on your clit so hard that it tickled, you throw your hands over your mouth, but not before one giggle escapes. Maybe he won’t notice? Eddie stops and you smooth your skirt down so your can see his face better. Oh god, he fucking noticed. He also noticed you didn’t wear panties underneath your skirt today. He wasn’t about to let those two things go without chastising you about them.

“Hey, what’s so funny, punk,” Eddie questions you, his mouth wet from you.

“It just tickles, that was,” you sigh deeply, “amazing. But don’t get a big ego because I said that,” you point your finger at him and he tries to bite it but you pull it away quickly. “Now, Truth, Dare, or Drink, Eddie?”

“But I wasn’t finished!” Eddie tugs at your skirt and tries to pull you up to his face again, you resist him and scoot into his lap. He sits up, hands propped up behind him and sighs, “you’re driving me crazy again.”

“Too bad, answer the question, pretty boy,” you say and squish his cheeks together. Eddie thinks he’ll die if you call him another pet name, you’re softening the mean Eddie that showed his face not too long ago.

“Are you kidding? Dare me, and make it challenging this time, babe. Shock me,” Eddie tosses back another shot and winces, slamming the shot glass down on his bedside table.

“I dare you to call Steve Harrington and ask him on a date,” you giggle at the utter shock on Eddie’s face at your words.

“Well, you shocked me. But I’m drinking and not at liberty to discuss Stevie for the rest of the night, ok?” Eddie takes the whiskey bottle and takes one big gulp.

“Easy there, tiger,” you say, taking the whiskey bottle away from Eddie before he tries to chug anymore. “I think we’re good on this for tonight, I’m putting this away,” you roll off the bed and stride into the kitchen, placing the whiskey bottle back where Eddie got it, hoping he doesn’t try to argue with you on this one.

“You’re such a killjoy, baby,” Eddie grumbles from behind you, following your every move once again. You turn around to see Eddie admiring you, amused by how responsible and cute you were, the little things showed you cared about him and it made his heart swell. “My sweet little killjoy, my little cocktease, my little brat,” Eddie rattles on, caging you to the counter, arms on either side of you . “Am I going to have to show you how to ease up, ya know, just let me in. I know you want me, baby. Afterall, that’s why you’re wearing this skirt, huh? That’s for me, isn’t it,” Eddie’s face is proud, “I love the lack of panties by the way, easy access. Only for me, right,” Eddie’s in your face now, staring down at your lips and licking his own.

You’re speechless, for once you’re speechless. That was a lot to process, and Eddie was on a roll, you wanted to hear more from that dirty mouth of his.

“Truth or Dare,” Eddie challenges you one last time.

“Dare, definitely dare,” you say, knowing you would’ve done whatever he asked of you right then and there. You were under his spell, you thought, or maybe you just happened to have a soul crushing, heart pounding, crush on your best friend that changed the dynamics of your friendship forever. Probably the ladder, though.

Eddie grabs a handful of your ass and squeezes, “I dare you to hop up on my counter and open those pretty legs for me. Here, I’ll help,” Eddie lifts you up and sets you down on the counter, discarding your shirt you stare at him in awe. You never really thought raw sex appeal was a real thing until you saw Eddie Munson at work, and riled up. He was a sight for sore eyes, that was for sure. Shirtless, tatted, leather pants, the imprint of his hard cock through his pants were very distracting. Eddie opens your legs, insisting you keep your ‘pretty skirt on for him’ winking, unzipping his pants to reveal he also didn’t wear underwear today either. His dick hit his stomach, pre cum staining his newest tattoo of a dragon in red ink. Eddie peels the leather pants off and situates himself between your legs, “you’re being so good for me, doll. I’m really proud of you, nothing smart to say?” Eddie holds his dick in one hand, rubbing it up and down your pussy.

“You look really yummy right now, so no,” you hold his face in your hands gently and crash your lips into his. Eddie slams himself into you with ferocity, no one’s called him yummy before and he thinks he could get used to that, get used to your body as well. You wrap your legs around his torso and moan into his mouth, a moan you didn’t know you had in you, it was so pretty it sounded fake.

Eddie breaks the kiss to suck on your neck, mumbling sweet nothings into your ear, “you’re so pretty, baby. Did I ever tell you that? Oh god, you’re being so good for me tonight I’m going to fuck you so good. Can you touch yourself for me, please? Yeah, rub your clit just like that, you’re perfect.” Eddie’s praises and rough pace was enough to make you see stars alone, your fingers on your clit was sending you over the edge. Overstimulated and a moaning mess, you kiss him with tears falling down your cheeks, Eddie sucks on your tongue and bites your lip, he was overstimulating you on purpose. Knowing much more about women’s desires than any man in Hawkins, only because he was obsessed with women and sex, and learning about the two of them. The female sexual response was something that came naturally to him, he had enough practice to know what drove women crazy, and you were the cherry on top. The one he’d been waiting to spoil with his knowledge, but it was almost downright devilish from your perspective. You’d never fallen apart in front of someone like this, it was new…but a good new.

Pulling away from the kiss Eddie wipes a tear from your eye and cups your cheek, “aw, did I make you cry? I’m so sorry, baby. But I’m not finished yet, do you think you can be a good girl for a little bit longer for me?”

You shake your head yes, fucked out and resting your head on his shoulder, holding his torso while he pounded into you. Eddie gripped your hips and resumed his fast pace for a good ten minutes, kissing your chest, neck, and lips until you felt him come deep inside of you. You could feel his dick twitch as he pulled out of you, “I’m really proud of you, baby,” and sloppily kissed your lips.

“Does my makeup still look good,” you sniffle and wipe under your eyes, laughing at how absurd this all felt. Fucking your best friend felt like a sin, it was something secret that was just for the two of you to share. The feelings you two shared only made it worse, made you feel more guilty, and scared the friendship would never be the same. That worry never leaving your mind most days, but right now you didn’t care, this wrong felt so right.

“Don’t worry about it, you look yummy,” Eddie smirks and pulls you in for another kiss.

Before you knew it, it was finally Tuesday, the day of Eddie’s show and you were sitting at the bar watching his set, he was wearing those fucking leather pants again. Eddie kept glancing over at you, not being able to help himself. You were wearing a flattering red dress adorned with red lipstick, he admired the bold choice, and you admired his. The Pants were definitely something you could consider your weakness now, something that would always make you think of how your best friend seduced you again, and how you were starting to care less any time you saw him mouth something to you from the stage between songs. Eddie mouthed the words ‘hey, killjoy’ and ‘yummy,’ and winked every time he caught you staring at him with your mouth open. Watching him play was fucking mesmerizing.

When the show ended Eddie sauntered over to you, resting his elbow on the counter and leaning into your personal space, “did you like it?” He was ecstatic you went to one of his shows, cheering him on silently from a pretty decent size bar crowd he had managed to gain over time. They were a town favorite, Corroded Coffin was one good show away from a state tour, and Eddie was proud of that.

“I loved it, the guitar player was pretty cute too, and the singer…,” you smile up at his face that was glistening with sweat.

“Hey, I happen to be both of those guys. What are the odds, wanna have a private show in about an hour? VIP only!”

“Isn’t it inappropriate to take advantage of your fans,” you tease him.

“I think it would be inappropriate to not take advantage of how killer you look tonight, doll face. See you in an hour,” Eddie grins, stealing your beer, then smooching your cheek quickly and hugging you to him with affection. Sticking his tongue out at you, he jogged away to pack up his equipment with the rest of the guys.

Your mouth dropped, not caring if anyone saw, because still it could’ve easily been seen as regular Eddie behavior from an outside view. But you knew better, you knew right then and there you were head over heels in love with your best friend Eddie Munson.

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