#it's too depressing

[doobler]

I really think I might bench this blog-- keep it up but stop posting entirely

[theshadowrealmitself]

I like to think that Vulcans who come to understand that Humans just can’t try to process emotions the same way as them, it’s just healthiest to let it out in harmless ways, decide that venting and stuff should be taken just as seriously as Vulcan’s meditation time, and will encourage the Humans around them to complain about what’s upsetting them

People who are used to aloof Vulcans who avoid Humans at all cost running into one comforting a Human

“-and then they said my cheesecake was subpar, and they didn’t even bring a dish!!!”

“The purpose of this event was that every participant brings a food item of sorts, correct?”

“Yeah!!”

“And they did not follow this rule while insulting dishes that were brought?”

“Mostly just my dish but yeah >:(“

“How illogical”

“That’s what I’m saying!!!”

[cryinginthetub]

Shit, I forgot that I'm supposed to stay off social media on Valentine's Day.

[chocolate-failure]

God I fucking hate myself... As much for the things that I do as the things I don't. Today my best mfkn friend, like kismet close, celebrated their birthday. And it's wild cuz I say we're really close when we don't know massive swathes of information about each other. I feel like it's mostly me but they play shit close to the vest too.

But I went to the party and I looked really nice but I fucking hated it and myself but mostly myself. I didn't want to eat or drink too much which makes dancing with a bunch of drunk/high people not so fun. But like also idk... I always have these weird moments where I feel like this just ain it. Like being a human is so fucking bogus and I'm so bad at it anyways, why even bother. Like was this experience supposed to impart something upon me? Was I supposed to derive some kind of joy or peace from this endeavor? And The Baby was there. On top of being ignorant af she's also loud which wouldn't be a problem if she had compelling or fun things to say. She low key sucks all the fun out of a conversation with a single line. Like it's kind of the hugest most exhausting buzzkill.

God I hate being me bro and like of course, within the first hour of the party I'm hunched over the toilet retching. That's something I hate. When you go to events and can't concentrate on grounding yourself and tracking the input it's really mfkn hard to find yourself in the bathroom trying to discard said input. It's hard to explain but not really but I'm tired... I can tell how much I've eaten and how much should come up when I'm home because I'm fully calibrated to this environment, as much as I hate it, and I'm able to gauge to a pretty reliable degree how much I should be throwing up and I tend to have a fair amount of control over how fast and how much comes up.

Like especially after eating something like ice cream and popcorn, idk I just remember that combination a lot from my childhood. Hell even orange juice is an okay liquid if you drink enough but ice cream is high up there. The mucous your body produces breaking down high fat dairy products is fucking exquisite 👌 Like it makes this perfect almost frothy capsule around whatever you've eaten making even the hardest things to get up easy af if you're able to get some ice cream inside of you in time. Sunflower seeds have a similar affect because you're producing and swallowing a lot of saliva as compared to food. The seeds get suspended in the saliva and come up real easy like, you don't even need to drink anything. And it's honestly a good idea to try to drink as little as you possibly can because I'm at the phase where something I drank like 3 minutes ago will already be emptied out of my stomach. It's definitely happened a few times and is a fat worst than death. Like imagine you ate something you very much wanna uneat, so you drink some water or juice to grease the skids only when you go to purge literally nothing comes up 😤 whata goddamn nightmare.

It's been a couple days since I started writing this but I had an instance in mind I wanted to mention not so much for posterity but also a reminder to future me the lengths we, hopefully once, went through to keep this fucking shit show going. Ain nothing quite like pulling back the veil to reveal the crusty old man yanking his diseased prick to show you how far you've fallen. Ed is fucking disgusting. The human body is disgusting enough as it is without this disease ravaging it. And maybe it's not that so much as it ravages your mind and makes you grow accustomed to som derranged shit.

The first thought that comes to mind is when you don't put down enough toilet paper or miss your mark and toilet water splashes back up into your face. You don't even wipe it off, might as well wait til we're done right? The business at hand is far more important than getting rancid shit water off your face. And have you considered that perhaps you deserve it?

The other day, and by other day I mean 2 weeks ago I went to dinner with the fam for my brother's birthday. We had sushi. I ate too much. Though any amount is technically too much... So when we get home I rev up the ol tonsil tickler, the choke goat, the duke of puke. Who knew I could swallow knives. And when I'm done I go to flush the toilet and nothing fucking happens... Imagine my abject horror. Here I stood at the scene of the crime, a toilet bowl filled with sushi colored puke and not an ounce of water to dispose of the evidence. I was fucked. I thought well maybe I could convince my brother to help me without looking in the toilet. I certainly couldn't ask my mom or dad. They'd both lose their shit but my brother holds enough reverence for me to enable some of my more unusual eccentricities. No, best not to involve anyone else. But also why tf is the toilet *this* broken??? Like there was no water in the tank. I should've just done it in my room, out of the way of prying eyes. It's also sus af for me to pass 3 other bathrooms to use one of the two that's only used by us and not guests. I could just say I like it more than the others and of course I do but not for the sake of nostalgia. I honestly think my mom would be none the wiser, if she had even an inkling I was back on my bullshit she'd be on me like well me on said bullshit... I should've just used the other one. I would've been fine, but I guess that can't be helped I kick myself as I grab a fist full of my own vomit and drop it in the trashcan. I didn't even think about. Like 0 preparation... This is what had to be done. But then I noticed the bucket sitting next to the trashcan ✨eureka✨ this could work or make the situation a hundred times more difficult to hide. I hedge my bets and fill the bucket with hot water and pour it into the toilet. And just like that my problem was solved. No mess no witnesses and best of all no waves. I didn't need to ask for help and have it documented in my mom's mind that the toilet posed a problem for me. She remembers that type of shit and will check up on shit you may have done wrong.

So I take the vomit soaked tissues in the bathroom trash and put it in a grocery bag and very purposelessly throw it away in the big trash. You can get my mom with sleight of hand if you make what you're doing seem trivial enough without being attention to it.

I feel ridiculous for having to do these things but the discomfort of being overweight outweighs it tenfold. I much rather be skinny than normal. I rather pick shit pellets from my bleeding rectum like some kind of disgusting shit prospector. I rather the constant hemorrhoids, the years of irreversible dental damage, the insane thirst I'm plagued by at any given moment in the day. The inside of my mouth is itchy and tingly and I can't recall a time when it wasn't. I hate every goddamn second of this but this seems to be a reasonable price for self actualization. At least at the moment. I've no intention of stopping and I'm not sure I could if I wanted.

[findmeinthefallair]

The healing and lasting love of a mom

[beybuniki]

team up mission in the mountains

[k3t4min5]

i got a thing for pushing people away when im at my lowest

[inkskinned]

they want to talk about mental illness and acceptance and how everyone is a little ocd it's cute and quirky and their "intrusive thoughts" are about cutting their hair off and you say yours are about taking a razorblade to your eye and they say ew can you not and everyone is a little adhd sometimes! except if you're late it's a personality flaw and it's because you are careless and cruel (and someone else with adhd mentions they can be on time, so why can't you?) and it's not an eating disorder if it's girl dinner! it's not mania if it's girl math! what do you mean you blew all of your savings on nonrefundable plane tickets for a plane you didn't even end up taking. what do you mean that you are afraid of eating. get over it. they roll their little lips up into a sneer. can you not, like, trauma dump?

they love it on them they like to wear pieces of your suffering like jewels so that it hangs off their tongue in rapiers. they are allowed to arm-chair diagnose and cherrypick their poisons but you can't ever miss too many showers because that's, like, "fuckken gross?" so anyone mean is a narcissist. so anyone with visual tics is clearly faking it and is so cringe. but they get to scream and hit customer service employees because well, i got overwhelmed.

you keep seeing these posts about how people pleasers are "inherently manipulative" and how it's totally unfair behavior. but you are a people pleaser, you have an ingrained fawn response. in the comments, you have typed and deleted the words just because it is technically true does not make it an empathetic or kind reading of the reaction about one million times. it is technically accurate, after all. you think of catholic guilt, how sometimes you feel bad when doing a good deed because the sense of pride you get from acting kind - that pride is a sin. the word "manipulation" is not without bias or stigma attached to it. many people with the fawn response are direct victims of someone who was malignantly manipulative. calling the victims manipulative too is an unfair and unkind reading of the situation. it would be better and more empathetic to say it is safety-seeking or connection-seeking behavior. yes, it can be toxic. no, in general it is not intended to be toxic. there is no reason to make mentally ill people feel worse for what we undergo.

you type why is everyone so quick to turn on someone showing clear signs of trauma but you already know the fucking answer, so what's the point of bothering. you kind of hate those this is what anxiety looks like! infographics because at this point you're so good at white-knuckling through a severe panic attack that people just think you're stoic. even people who know the situation sometimes comment you just don't seem depressed. and you're not a 9 year old white kid so there's no way you're on the spectrum, you're not obsessed with trains and you were never a good mathematician. okay then.

mental illness is trending. in 2012 tumblr said don't romanticize our symptoms but to be fair tiktok didn't exist yet. there's these series of videos where someone pretends to be "the most boring person on earth" and is just being a normal fucking person, which makes your skin crawl, because that probably means you are boring. your friend reads aloud a profile from tinder - no depressed bitches i fucking hate that mental illness crap. your father says that medication never actually works.

you still haven't told your grandmother that you're in therapy. despite everything (and the fact it's helping): you just don't want her to see you differently.

[hyolks]

isnt that right, fullmetal?

[ardentperfidy]

listen i am aware that law & order is copaganda but i started rewatching svu s1 recently and i have to give them credit because, damn, right out of the gate they were willing to take unpopular positions and criticize the system they were a part of. and it's almost scary how effective all the criticisms from 1999 still are.

[diabloku]

bed hair (feat. depression ™)

[vulcan-moon]

happy holidays from garfield and miku (:

[maranull]

anyway, Elden Ring is about love and hope

Marika burns everything she has build out of sorrow

Ranni banishes the Outer Gods and also fucks off the Lands, giving agency back to the normal beings of the Lands

Fortissax endlessly fights Death for his friend/lover

Melina burns herself and Erdtree in hopes of a better world in the hands of the Tarnished

Blaidd fights against the very reason he was created out of love for his sister

Ranni and Rykard always keep an eye on their mother, protecting her

Radahn evokes so much love from his troops that they organise a whole festival to give him a honorable death even in his madness

Radahn learns an entire new school of magic in order to still ride his favourite horse

Boc's love for his mother, his mother's love for him

How all but two endings are build on the hope that this new era (whatever it might be) will be good

Miquella attempting to create an whole new world-tree to host the forsaken and the damned

Miquella turning on the faith he was raised and even believed in to an extent, when it was unable to cure his sister's curse

The Cleanrot's loyalty to Malenia and their endurance of the Rot, only to stay in her service

Malenia marching through the entire continent in search of her brother

Finlay traveling all the way back on her own, carrying the incapacitated demigod on her back

Tanith's love for Rya

Dialos' entire questline

Edgar being driven mad after his daughter dies

Vyke embracing, to a point, the Frenzied Flame in order to save his finger maiden

or you know, that's just how I see it

[tea-cat-arts]

Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will

[tuntau]

eddie diaz + text posts

[cozylittleartblog]

power of potluck !