#its good to let go

[doxolove]

Loneliness-

(tw: mental health, trauma)

I started using the Internet at a young age to cure the loneliness around me. My parents were absent, I was incessantly bullied from second to sixth grade in elementary school. Being part of the county's first Spanish immersion program meant my bullies continued to be in my class every year.

The only thing they couldn't bully me over was art. They were nice to me when they wanted a power ranger or a Pokemon drawing– so it became a valuable tool for me to use.

I've used fandom and art most of my life to heal my own volatile attachment wounding. In conjunction to that, I developed severe codependency of anyone who gave me any time of day… It wasn't until I found myself again and again that being a ‘doormat’ for other people was/is exhausting. It wasn't until my best friend at the time said they used that to their advantage on purpose, that I started to feel disgusted at all.

Even after realizing this, I was still suffering from unchecked mental pain and trauma that I wasn't specially aware of. I let myself get into situations where this pain clashed severely against others around me. My pain in turn made me an ugly person.

I started to get help. I finally was diagnosed with depression and type 2 diabetes. The overwhelming exhaustion clouding me all hours of the day wasn't just my own apathy, it was an a1c of eleven, the cusp of a diabetic coma. This shook me to my core. With regular doctor visits and psychiatric evaluation, I finally have been able to regulate my blood sugar and non existent serotonin levels. Doing so shook me out of other things I was still doing. Things that still hurt me and those around me.

Not being aware of how bad I was at coping with my own traumas was a reality hard learned. I've lost so many friends from this negligence… But also? Lost more ‘friends’ when the free ride of using me as a doormat was over. That persons will try to punish you for setting boundaries. That it's your fault they can't cope with their own trauma a more healthy way.

That's fucking bullshit.

Everyone is exhausting. Dealing with yourself and your own traumas? Exhausting. But what came down as a more harsh reality, is that empathy for this doesn't exist in most people. That empathy itself, is something most will never achieve. I've always wondered why not very many want to understand why conflict actually exists, what two sides of an argument look like. What acknowledgement of miscommunication actually is. It's really sad. When things like purity policing, smear campaigning and becoming a flying monkey still exist? Nobody has actually grown out of bullying being a normal fucked up thing humans do to each other instead of communicating properly.

So it's come full circle– but I at least know why it's happening now. Strangers will find any excuse to push their own unchecked pain onto someone else, instead of resolving a core issue. There are people in this world who will never realize their pain will never be relieved from the unhealthy dismissal of responsibility for their own health and how they treat others.

Do I use the Internet to cure my loneliness still? Hell no. Does a vast majority still do? Yes. You can still meet genuine people through it, through community and play– but it's still your responsibility to make sure the way you cope with your own traumas doesn't become someone else's problem.

I no longer use my art to cure loneliness either– probably for the first time since I was very young. I'm unsure if I still want to put additional thoughts out in the open after being bullied off a platform– but I've always put them here. So this will probably be the last time I post them in the void.

I treasure everyone who's taken time to cure my loneliness for any brief moment of time, I still hold that close to my heart. I apologize for the pain miscommunication has caused between some of us, even if it's not my apology to give. So many met me while I was suffering and in a lot of pain… Your kindness gave me hope I'd find means to it's end. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to cope with my own traumas then.

I'm in a far better place now. I'm happy to exist along side people who genuinely love me. People who have proven communication can solve everything and not being afraid to be real and vulnerable. I am so very happy to be alive with them.

I have found value in myself, I've worked so very hard to understand my own traumas and shortcomings. Loving people in my life have taught me much better ways to cope. I'm still growing and learning, that will never stop.

Will I still share art online? Maybe. There's not a big desire to, nor will the urge to join communities ever surface again– generation gaps time and time again have proven so dangerous and disappointing. If I share art it's for the sake of sharing what gives me joy, there's no ulterior purpose anymore.

I would hope everyone will come this far and find healthy ways to cope and be happy, I know we all can do it if we believe we can.

[churroach]

Full of Desires

[hinamie]

together, we do the same thing again //

[eydilily]

would you bite the hand that feeds you?

[distorted-prince]

Cringe fail queen

[lilybug-02]

It's a miracle Dewi hasn't stepped on any bugs at this point.

Bug Fact: Bloodworms have jaws and venom glands at the end of their long throat, which they turn inside out to catch prey. Pictures Below

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Volume 2 Masterpost

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[arcade-confetti]

Being someone who read Under The Red Hood and came out with the firm belief that, for Jason, it's not about killing Joker, it's about Jason wanting proof Batman would choose him over the Joker (bc shelia chose the joker). Makes seeing any other media where it's all about just wanting the Joker dead is a teeny bit frustrating. to be honest

Jason could've killed the Joker himself, really, really easily. Jason kidnaps the Joker before the confrontation. I can't open my comic for a reference right now, but it felt like he had the Joker for quite a bit before the confrontation. He had him. He beat him up with a crowbar. He had every single opportunity to kill the Joker himself, but he didn't because that wasn't his goal. Make no mistake, he did plan for the Joker to be dead by the end of it, but do you see what im trying to say here

Edit: If I knew this post was gonna get 1000+ notes I would've tried to word it better or something, this was a rant I made on the way to the grocery store 😭

It's not about making Batman kill either. When Batman says he won't kill, Jason adjusts and goes, 'Let ME kill the Joker or kill me to stop me' instead. The test is all about Batman choosing him. The whole final confrontation is Jason's first death again. The parent, The Joker, and the explosives. It even ends with Jason unable to move as a bomb goes off right next to him again because the parent didn't choose Jason. And instead tried finding an option that'd benefit them and (consequencely) letting the Joker walk, again, lol, lmao <-in agony

[stoicjewel]

[abyssal-ilk]

thinking about sten again. thinking about him calling the warden kadan and never explaining what it means. thinking about him offering to take the warden back with him to par vollen, but it's never actually an option the warden takes, even if you agree. thinking about how sten responds the best to a warden who stands their ground even if he doesn't agree with them. thinking about how he loves sweets and art, and how he plays with kittens. "it's training," he says. but come on. he's playing. thinking about what else he's had to justify to himself for liking.

and he calls alistair kadan! shale as well! do you think it was ever extended to the other party members? just,, agh

[s0fter-sin]

ghost who works with abused dogs because he can relate to their fear and anger and soap who's terrified of dogs but needs a service animal after he gets shot

ghost who's covered in just as many bite scars and scratches as he is scars from his childhood and the military, but he never holds it against a single dog

he knows what it's like to feel trapped and think you only have one way out

he sits through the barking and the lunges, steadily gets closer as he gently talks with each dog, apologises when he moves too quick and gets bitten because it's always his fault, never the dog's. no one bites for no reason

the pride he feels when he gets to share their blanket for the first time is only matched by the day of their adoption

it’s soap's friend’s idea to bring him to check out a dog to foster while his service dog goes through training. he knows he's uncomfortable around dogs - he never made a production out of it but you can only duck around someone so they’re in between you and a dog so many times before they pick something up - but he just thinks he's not used to them and being around one will be enough to calm him down

soap knows he needs a service animal; both for medical reasons and help with every day tasks but also for emotional regulation. he pings from depression to apathy to white hot rage so quick it exhausts him; he's so tired of blowing up at people just because he can't keep his head on straight

he needs a service dog

but just hearing the barking from outside has him so on edge, he's almost sick from it

a volunteer shows them all the dogs available to foster. his friend gushes over every single one; cooing about how cute and sweet they look, just darling things, encouraging them to jump up on their barrier and play tug with their toys, and “come on soap, say hello”

soap keeps his distance, smiling thinly as the volunteer introduces each dog

but ghost happens to be in one of the kennels working with his latest trouble case

and he can plainly see how terrified soap is, no matter how well he thinks he’s hiding it

he flinches at every bark, his hands fisted at his sides, but his friend just doesn't notice; too occupied with the lab mix he’s playing with. ghost can see just how tight he's winding up, the tension creeping up his spine, his “smile” twitching uncontrollably, and it doesn't surprise him in the slightest when he finally snaps at his friend to “just fuck off, alright!” after he keeps pushing him to get closer to the dogs

the abrupt silence is tight and judgmental; the friend giving him a wild look. soap gives a short apology, still angry even though if anyone just took the time to look, it’d be clear he doesn't want to be, and storms out while his friend apologises to the volunteer; dripping with shame and embarrassment that sets ghost's teeth on edge

he could've stopped a dozen times before soap blew up, should've seen the warning signs that he was getting overwhelmed and afraid long before he got to that point

he spreads out a few treats for his dog, both a reward for his patience and an apology for prematurely ending their time together, slowly getting to his feet. he heads outside to find soap in the alley beside the shelter, swearing at himself under his breath and looking seconds away from punching the brick

and when soap snaps, “enjoying the show?”, squaring up with his teeth bared, ghost just leans back against the wall; open and non-threatening and waits for soap to come to him

just ghost who knows what it's like to be angry and afraid and has the patience to help soap feel more in control of himself, never flinching from his bark or his involuntary bite, as well as help him through his fear in time for his service dog

[eatingmarkerz]

shitty doodle of my (not so) old knight design meeting canon knight

RIP my dess design ..,., </3

[firebound-press]

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO I PROUDLY PRESENT!!!!!! A FULL COLLECTION OF FISH N CHIP WORKS BY @earlgay-milktea !!!!!!!

My first ever leatherbound book!!!! Over 650 pages!!!!! My first time doing double core endbands!!!!! It’s all in here!!!!!!!!

It’s got custom graphics by @fishcop !!!! It’s got a couple graphics from me!!!!!! We’ve got it all!!!!!!

Ive been working on this book for over a year now and I’m so so proud to finally have it done. There’s a lot of stuff I could say about this bind but it mostly boils down to “holy shit I actually did it that’s so cool”

A lot of love and work went into this bind so if you have any questions please don’t be afraid to ask! Please!! I want to talk about it!!!!

Works featured:

Heart of the Sea

Breaking Free

Honesty Is The Best Fallacy

Captive Hero

Lovefool

Bitter Water

advancing on real ground

Wreck the Halls

Before Daybreak

You can also read Earls other work here:

https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgay_milktea

[a-loose-collection-of-ants]

Viridian City seems fun

[allimili]

Waiter waiter more elysia!y/n but it's them hugging smc in his other realm (what if their soul technically still resides in the spire they're just without a body and smc wants them to get a body so they'll be together again)

Not a hug but do you see it

[scho17]

In some fucked up way it was kinda funny. 

Guy on the run goes to Bludhaven to keep a low profile and catches the attention of a vigilante. The universe is laughing at him, surely. 

Everything was fine up until a month ago. Really, it was. Danny had obtained his own shitty apartment and yeah, maybe his dead end job made him want to eat dirt more than usual but everything was fine. There weren’t any eyes on him and now there were. A certain bird didn’t know how to leave him alone.

“Can I help you, Nightwing?” Danny says in a flat tone, leaning his forearms against the rails of the fire escape. He isn’t a cigarette type of guy but if ever there were a time this would be it.

“Mhum. I want names, same as always.”

Danny rolls his eyes. “We both know I can’t tell you anything.”

“But you could.”

“I could,” Danny acquiesced with a shallow nod. “And then what? When they can’t get to me, they’ll get to you.” He sighs, feeling infintely tired “in any case, the big bad bat isn’t known for leaving things he doesn’t understand alone, and I’m not really looking to be a lab rat again. Zero out of ten do not recommend. Turns out being vivisected fucking hurts, man.”

“Why won’t you let me take them out for you? Besides, I’m not weak. I can hold my own just fine.”

And thats the million dollar question, isn’t it? Dannys gaze fixes upon the ill looking moon, pallor as he peers through the smog of the dingy city and into the sky. “Because he told me to wait.”

“Who?”

Clockwork. 

Clockwork told him to wait. To do the one thing he hates more than anything in the world. To do the unforgivable - to sit idle when they had Ellie. As much as he’d love to spit venom and recite every reason why the GIW needed to be taken care of much sooner rather than whenever Clockwork had in mind, he can’t. He’s - and Ancients, he’ll never forgive himself - scared. He’s scared.

Logistically, he knows he’s strong. Stronger than anyone in any of those facilities compounded. Stronger than Vlad in terms of raw power if not in wiles, he’s stronger than Pariah Dark. Danny has tested his mettle against the worst of the worst and came out on top but he’s still fucking scared. Isn’t that something? Crown prince of the Infinite Realms is scared. 

There’s no one to magically make it better. No one to lean on because he’s the strongest, he’s it. And if the strongest can’t stand up because they’re too busy having a panic attack at the sight of a lab coat then really, what use are they?

“I can’t tell you that.” He glances down to the alleyway below them. It’s filthy. Wet newspaper plastered to the pavement, old gum cemented in place like spots on a dalmatian. It looks a lot like how Danny feels most days.

Nightwing frowns. “I can help you,” he says. It sounds painfully earnest, like he believes he really, really, could. 

“That's a nice offer, Nightwing, but I can’t take it yet.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

There he is. That’s the boy the bat raised. “Can’t.”

*

The next time Dick sees Danny it isn’t in Bludhaven. 

It’s months later in her sister city, Gotham. Crime Alley, to be specific. It was during the tail end of a joint patrol with the newly minted Robin, Tim, whom he had sent back to the cave early. His eyes snagged on the figure of a young man carrying a child in the middle of the wet season, a thin thoroughly soaked through navy blue sweater clinging to him like a second skin. It was pouring down like the heavens didn’t know how to stop grieving. 

It seemed as anguished as Dick was in the immediate absence of Jason. He blinks tiredly and washes the thought away. There’s a little girl cradled in Danny’s arms with hair just as pitch black as his own, burrowing her small face in his neck, tiny arms clinging as the man himself runs his hand soothingly on her back, murmuring apologies into her hair. “I know, I know, I’m sorry Ellie, I’m sorry. It’s okay, it's- We’re out. We’re okay.”

It’s a painfully private moment, one that he feels guilty for witnessing. The girl - Ellie, sobs into Danny’s chest. It isn’t his place to watch, to witness this. All the same, he wishes he could comfort them somehow. 

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

Transcript:

Gabriel: I think I'm going to go online today.

Hm... Wait, what? No... How can this be?

Machine- I...

How did they get all of these photos of us having sex?!

V1: I don't know, but save them, they're hot.

Transcript:

OH MEIN GOTT. DIS WEBSITE IS FULL OF GABRIELSENDICKSEN!

Audio source