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#ive been into it for a few months but i just now felt like posting
flesheatingmoth · 1 year
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giant south park art dump. coming out as a south park fan is harder than coming out as gay
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spookythesillyfella · 5 months
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my partner really likes litc so i wanted to make a little doodle as a gift and i figured i might as well post it here since i have no motivation to draw atm [nor the time]
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Person A: Do you want a beer? I’m paying.
Person B, going through the restaurant’s menu: No. Ugh, where’s the good stuff?
Person A, half jokingly: I thought you were an alcoholic.
Person B: Exactly. I’d need at least, like, four beers — without food — to get slightly buzzed, and my stomach can’t fit over 2 beers in it. I’m small. I’ll have a rum, neat.
#source: me#incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes ideas#incorrect quotes prompts#tw: drug mention#tw: drugs#i used to be so small when all i did was heroin and ketamine. since i started drinking (i only started drinking every night because the-#-opiate withdrawal was so fucking bad alcohol was the only thing that kept my legs from kicking all night long and my skin from feeling-#-like it was on cold wet fire somehow)#anyway. when all i did was opiates ™ i was like 45 kg and i’m 165 aka 5’5 like i looked like a sickly model#now it’s only been a month drinking and not doing morphine or some shit and i already gained 12 kg it’s insane i’m like almost 60 kg now#i’m queueing this for a month from now so hopefully it’ll have been 2 months when this gets posted#and like i say i’m an alcoholic cause i don’t think it’s normal to drink like 5 nights a week but i’m not chemically dependent on it like i-#-was with opiates like i’m sober half the time. ive never done surgery while drunk for instance. there was this one time i had just had 4-#-shots in the bathroom in secret cause i was having a panic attack and didn’t know what else to do but anyway.#and they asked me if i wanted to close up on a tubal ligation and i passed on the opportunity even though i was Fine bc idk i just didn’t-#-feel good ab it. which is more than i can say for my professor tbh#like some other medical intern said ‘wow it must be so hard having to be On Call 24/7. like i bet u can’t even drink’#and he said ‘oh come on surgeons have lives too. in fact i drank more than a few beers just a few hours ago lol’ and proceeded to cut-#-someone open#anyway. yeah. i don’t get drunk at work yk#felt like i had to make that clear
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angelstrawbabie420 · 3 days
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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mwagneto · 4 months
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i've literally been non stop studyinf for a week i can physically feel my entire body shutting down. im not making it out of this fr
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cardboard-queen · 7 months
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i’ve realized that i have a very strong ‘gimme positive stimulation’ response to stress.
i may not even consciously know i’m stressed. but my body will call out to me:
“hey. i need something. i wanna smoke something. drink something. bite something. someone. feel someone. something. anything. now.”
and like. it’s a constant uphill battle, finding ways to re-direct that stress response into healthy coping mechanisms, yknow?
i’ve found exercise is by far the most helpful thing for me. but that’s just like. not practical all the time. i can’t workout at 1 am lol.
neither is removing the source of the stress. sometimes you have some control over it. other times u don’t.
anyway. art kinda helps. journaling helps. stretching and breathing exercises often help. reading is nice but doesn’t make it go away.
i think it’s about re-directing the stress. sitting with it, and putting that energy into something tangible. i think that’s really important for me.
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hecksupremechips · 7 months
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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cextra-loz · 2 years
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Today I was able to stand for a new limit of 50 minutes when my physical symptoms are at their most minimal in a controlled environment. So we know 50 is the max now we're trying to reach 1 hour. I feel like I could've reached an hour with how I was feeling but the muscle endurance in my legs wouldn't have let me. I'm reaching a weird stage in my progress where its been so long since my body has had to support my weight for that long the blood pooling in my soles irritates and hurts like hell the days afterwards so now i'm rubbing the my feet like i've worked a hard day to prevent the inflammation from impeding my progress. I feel tho if I can reach that 1 hour limit I can reach longer times with practice. Its been years since i've stood for so long i'm really excited to keep practicing and hopefully keep improving. Last year around this time I was barely reaching 35 maybe 40 if I really really pushed- during my least symptomatic hours. Those extra 10 minutes might not mean much but since the beginning of my illness I never imagined i'd be able to make it to 30 let alone 50. I felt pretty good this session too which is the most important part, I feel like its the lack of muscular stamina that held me back rather than cardiac endurance. Anyway update is over, if I reach that 1 hour time it'll be a happy day I cannot tell how long it'll take me to reach that time but with some more practice I think a few weeks or months at least i'd imagine maybe even sooner. I'm so happy lets go! Dreams do come true at least 4 me ehehe!
#pots#dysautonomia#progress#the best thing about longer uptime means more endurance - the longer i'm able to stay up the more my legs should begin to adapt#if I can push the amount of time when i'm not as symptomatic maybe it'll help increase my endurance when i'm most symptomatic#when i'm at my most symptomatic I cannot stand for the life of me more than a minute#i will collapse#but increasing my minimal symptomatic time to higher numbers means I feel less physical pain and exhaustion when I am at my most#symptomatic which is honestly all i want#if I can withstand the exhaustion of when i'm most physically ill for more than a minute or two at a time then I can endure it#when i'm compeltely still and laying down which is rlly hard and it hurts like hell and i'm exhausted when it happens#theres nothing in this world like trying to catch your breath while your body is writhing in pain and youre trying not to pass out#i'm just glad on a good day and lots of monitoring i can manage a few hours without any of those#when it was happening once an hour for like hours at a time for months i was in literal hell#the scariest bit is i'm forgetting how it felt to be like normal-ish#like there were days where the most I worried about was like regular stuff like homework#now i'm worried about things like making sure i have a glass of water with me or else i'll die#which sounds absurd but its now my reality its strange how that just becomes real#ive been typing for so long but i don't feel fatigued it really shows how far ive gotten these last few years#last time i wrote this much on a tumblr text post about my illness i was trying to catch my breath the entire time#im kinda happy#ehehe!
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cutebisexualmess · 11 months
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you ever think you're doing amazingly and then one day pulls the entire thing apart and you've gone back three steps and feel like shit again
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landograndprix · 11 months
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「Feel the magic ๛ l.n」
part vii
✧.* you've finally secured your well deserved p1 after months of suffering with red bull and while you celebrate it the right way, love is in the air and everybody sees it now.
✧.* when i think about my muppets i think about this song, should i make like a playlist of songs that remind me of this fic, give y'all the vibes ive been having? 👀 spelling mistakes add character, don't mind them 🥰 this is a psa for the people who wanted to be on my taglist but never got tagged, i didn't forget or ignore you, I simply am unable to tag you and therefore removed you from the list feel free to ask me again so I can take a look at it. Taglist is open Love ya ❤️
✧.* prev part - next part
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y/nusername
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liked by landonorris, milouberger and 453,789 others
y/nusername I'd like to thank my parents— p1 baby!🏆
tagged: mclaren
view all 742 comments
y/nloveee yes baaaaabbyyyyy 🤩🤩
norrizz one big fat fuck you to red bull!
adam_norris_pure_electric amazing race, amazing driver!🥇
carlandooo oh my gosh, I'm dead, Adam out here supporting his future daughter in law 😭
norry4 stop it 😭
ricky78 bring it home y/n!
natewhite this girls good, she should try racing in f1..
carlossainz55 well deserved! 🔥
chilisainz wish I had a supportive ex boyfriend 💀
y/nlandooo we're so back with our 1-2!
yourmomsuser super proud of you! 🥰
milouberger back where you belong!
hamilt44n girl, shut up..as if you didn't try to push her off the track halfway..🤨
redbullgirl come back please, perez is a joke 😢
landonorris that's my girlfriend 😍
bott_ass we were aware 😂
landonorris you got any plans tonight? wanna celebrate?
landosmclaren HOWLING ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED
maxfewtrell mega race 🙌
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landonorris posted on their story
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cecilemoulin posted to their story
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y/nusername
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liked by landonorris, riabish and 689,872 others
y/nusername ending an amazing weekend with my favorite lil' guy 🧡
tagged: landonorris
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norrizz honestly such a power couple!!
sharl16 oh they in love love huh?
bott_ass not the after sex selfie 😭
bananaclerc I was looking for this comment 😭
y/nlando y/n's finally showing more of her and lando on here 🥺
mrsnorris 🤮 get someone your own age 🤮
cecilemoulin I just know y'all were late because you've been watching tiktok's in bed all morning..
y/nusername Cecile thirst trap edits go hard
carlandooo y'all think y/n finally realised she likes this man? Seemed pretty one sided to me for a hot minute 😂
ceciley/n I think Cecile said in an interview that THEY aren't used to dating younger dudes and that she felt out of place for the first few weeks..pretty sure she meant herself and y/n 😉
carlandooo CECILE IS DATING SOMEONE?
ceciley/n yeah..max fewtrell? Girl where have you been? 😂
carlandooo under a fucking rock apparently! Wow, these girls really said young, cute and british? Yes ma'am 🥰 so real of them
ceciley/n a couple of besties dating another couple of besties 😂
hamilt44n where are Carlos and Pierre now? You think they gave up? :')
landonorris favourite lil' muppet 🧡
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Everything taglist; @thomaslefteyebrow @hopefulinlove @smoothopz @softboystarkey @honethatty12 @cixrosie @parkersmjs @ireadthensuetheauthors @celestialams @be-your-coffee-pot @heli991113 @kodzuvk @reality-is-a-con @80sloverry @bibissparkles @myescapefromthislife @lanando4 @elliegrey2803 @ravisinghs-wife @glow-ish
Feel the magic taglist: @celesteblack08 @mrsmaybank13 @cha-hot @judesgfirl @roseseraj @kissesandmartinis @jpg3 @amulhermaisfelizdomundo @marialovesf1 @silkenthusiasts @luvrrish @laneyspaulding19 @emily-b @formula1bby @judespoisons @buckybarnessweetheart @strawberrychita @iifloweringnightsii @buendiabebeta @jjsprobablywrong @babyvinnie @mishaandthebrits @hockeyboysarehot
Lando taglist: @beatricemiruna @simp-for-fictional-people @landossainz @christianpulisic10
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purinfelix · 3 months
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is it casual now? ✶⋆.˚
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pairing - joao felix x reader summary - after yet another night spent together in secrecy, you finally build up the courage to ask Joao and uncomfortable question warnings - some angst, possibly a toxic relationship? word count - 1k
a/n: just bc ive been listening to chappell roan NONSTOP lately and realised i hadn't written a full length fic in a hot minute !!! hope u guys enjoy <333
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There were a lot of people who wanted to know what kind of relationship you and Joao had.
Of course, there were endless amounts of media outlets and gossip pages that seemed to have eyes following everywhere the two of you went. It got to the point where you knew any time you were with him publicly, it would only be a few hours before your timeline was inundated with sensationalised headlines or sneakily taken candids.
Then there were the avid fans who commented on these posts, dreaming up theories that never failed to surprise you - that you were a childhood friend, a secret lover reuniting with him, or worst of all, that you were a ‘wannabe-WAG’ attempting to use Joao for his money. Perhaps most annoyingly though were your friends, who pressed endlessly for details whenever you mentioned having met up with the footballer recently despite your protests.
Sometimes it felt like all eyes were on you and your relationship - but sitting here, in a plush white hotel bathrobe on an equally plush and white hotel bed - you couldn’t help but feel as though you were the one who wanted to know most of all. You let the hand holding your phone fall to your side, heart heavy after seeing yet another gossip page post about the outing the two of you had gone on earlier the day with a headline relaying the typical narrative that you were nothing more than a gold-digging fake.
“Don’t bother with those,” you hear a soft voice behind you, Joao making his way out of the hotel bathroom in a matching bathrobe. His hair is still dripping wet from the shower and you’re almost envious of the way his skin glows in the soft ambient light. “Those idiots don’t know anything,” his tone is adamant, and you’d almost think he was being genuine.
“Well, it’s not like you tell them anything,” you mumble, barely louder than a whisper but he still catches the attitude in your tone.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffs, tossing the small towel he was using to dry his hair to the ground without a care. Making his way to the other side of the bed, he lies chest-down, eyes fixed on you.
“All I’m saying is,” the regret in your voice at having brought up this tired conversation is evident but the almost daring expression on Joao’s face forces you on, “we can’t expect them not to make all these crazy theories when you’ve basically been keeping me a secret all this time.”
“Hey I thought we both agreed to keep this a secret, why is it all my fault all of a sudden?”
“It’s not, it’s just,” you sigh in frustration, eyes wandering the room - the crumpled bedsheets beneath you, your bag laying on the bedside table, contents half-spilled, your shirt laying where you had hastily thrown it - anywhere but his face.
“Just what?” he presses, and you bite your lip in a futile attempt to stop yourself from asking the question that’s been on your mind for as long as you’ve known him.
“What are we, Joao?” your gaze falls to your own lap, unable to look at the expression on his face as you’re sure it’ll only make his response sting more.
“Why are you asking me this now?” It’s clear this was the last thing he was expecting from the way he’s taken aback and slightly amused - which only frustrates you more.
“Why can’t I?”
“I mean, I thought we were just keeping this casual, you know? That’s what we agreed upon isn’t it?”
“Yeah, months ago.” You try to maintain your temper but you can’t help your voice from raising a little, “Don’t you think it’s time to reconsider that? I mean we’re a bit more than casual don’t you think? Casual doesn’t involve fancy hotel hook-ups or night time beach walks!”
“I don’t know, I mean,” his defensiveness irritates you, “You know what it’s like being a footballer, I just can’t have anything threatening my position right now. I need to focus on the game, a distraction is the last thing I need.”
“And what about me Joao? Don’t you think I’m tired of the constant slander I get every time we’re out together?” You feel your heart racing and your blood boiling, “You’ve seen the articles haven’t you?”
“Look, it’s late, I’m tired and really don’t feel like talking about this now. Can we just go to sleep? We’ll discuss this in the morning.” He doesn’t even wait for your reply before stretching out underneath the blankets with a loud fake-yawn. You just sit there slack jawed, not entirely surprised but still a little taken aback that he would just cut you off like that, in the middle of a conversation you had been rehearsing in your head for weeks like it was nothing.
You know he’s lying about discussing this in the morning but still, you reach over to turn off the lamp on your side table before slowly pulling the blanket over yourself - not like you have any other option. You make a point of turning your back to him and huffing though, too frustrated to fall asleep as your mind continues to whir with thoughts about all the things you’re going to say to him the minute you’re awake tomorrow.
That is, at least, until you feel the familiarly gentle touch of Joao’s hands around your waist, tugging you close to him until he’s able to fully envelope you in his arms. He kisses the back of your head - a slow, sleepy, almost genuine apology. You can’t do anything other than let out a soft sigh, closing your eyes and letting yourself get lost in the comfort you’ve learnt to find in his touch, in his scent, and his presence - no matter how fleeting it may be.
Because even if you wake up tomorrow to an empty bed, no sign of him even having been here at all other than a heavy heart, and no one else in the world knows what sort of relationship the two of you have - at least you’ll have moments like these to yourself to savour.
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vhstown · 1 year
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time out (part 1)
[boxer au] — 42!miles g morales x gn!reader
summary: Miles Morales makes boxing history. Your boyfriend isn't there to celebrate.
warnings: angst-ish, description of (boxing) injuries, self-destructive behaviours, briefly implied death, pov switch (yay), gtranslate spanish
word count: 3.9k
a/n: ive never written 42 miles before but he's a cool lil guy split into two parts cuz it was too long 😭 semi-edited (for the millionth time)
PART 2 → / THE AU
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"Just six rounds in, Miles Morales knocks out the Vulture!"
Screams and cheers exploded from your phone as you laid in bed, watching the recap of your boyfriend's boxing match. Your eyes were straining from how close you were holding the screen to your face; this was probably the third time you’d watched Miles’ win. After training to hell and back, he’d made it to the national league with you and Aaron to support him. He did more than just “make it”, in fact. His “revolutionary” victory was plastered all over social media and the news. Everywhere you looked was: “17-YEAR-OLD NYC BOXER OVERTAKES LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPION ‘VULTURE’ IN US NATIONALS”. Miles Morales — your boyfriend — had made boxing history.
The giddy grin on your face only grew wider as he came up again on screen, sporting the stoic expression he'd perfected over the last few months behind the overly-done editing and animations of the recap. As much as you'd wanted to go out and see him live (though begging your family to let you go to Vegas wasn’t exactly feasible), he'd made it clear he didn't want you, or anyone for that matter, in that arena. It was something about having "total focus" — and it must've worked, you thought, as you watched him give his post-fight interview.
“I jus’ hope you watchin’, cause I’m here. Miles Morales made it!”
Despite his boyish, adrenaline-fuelled shout at the mic, the quiet laugh you let out was one of pride rather than embarrassment. He had every right to celebrate, and you were watching, even if it wasn’t live. Everything he'd done up until this point was well worth it: the constant training, sparring, the late nights and early mornings — maybe even the countless unanswered texts and missed calls too. Miles had worked himself to the bone, and while it might've worried you at the time, it was nothing compared to the satisfaction you felt while watching him on screen. He knew what he was doing; Miles was semi-professional at this point. You had to let him do his own thing, even if that meant letting him go for a while.
Right now, though, Miles was home from Vegas. Tapping out of the video, you scrambled to your messages. The last ones were from you, sent weeks ago, a "good luck" and "i love you" read and without a response. Your fingers kept missing the keys, and you frowned at yourself until you finally were able to hit send.
CONGRATS BABY!!! Not delivered
IM SO PROUD OF YOU Not delivered
You tried resending them, only to be met with the same red message.
why arent my texts sending Not delivered
miles??? Not delivered
Not delivered? It'd almost been three days since the tournament; Miles always had his phone on.
"To leave a message, please press one—" The call went to voicemail for the third time. Your stomach swirled with something like uncertainty. It didn't even ring at all. Miles made it a habit to always be available, so why...?
Boxers needed time to recover, he was probably just tired and turned his phone off. Or he could be busy with an interview; Miles Morales was sort of a celebrity right now — who wouldn't want to talk to the 17-year-old boxing prodigy? You knew you wanted to, prodigy or not.
It was probably because you hadn’t seen Miles in so long, but possibilities kept forming in your head, disappearing just as fast. What if he blocked you? Or he could’ve changed his number. Were you over? No. Nope. No way. Not like this.
There was one other reason that made some sort of sense, but you decided to think against it. Miles had made it to the semi-finals in entire the National League. It was over; he'd gotten what he wanted. He was supposed to be resting right now.
Miles wasn't that stupid, right...?
You pulled up Rio's contact. It was better to be safe than sorry.
Riiiiiiing, riiiiiiing…
Better for him to be safe than sorry — or stupid.
"Hello?"
"Hola, tía, uh, could I speak to Miles?" You felt just a little crazy as you held the phone to your ear, but there was no harm in calling his mom.
"Ah, he's not home right now — said he was going out with his tío."
"Oh… Do you know where they went?"
"I'm not sure. Something important. About a... contract?"
"Contract…?" you muttered to yourself. “Okay… thank you.” It wasn't like you knew anything about a contract, though it wasn't like Miles would tell you anyway. At least he was safe, and with Aaron. It was probably important, official — something that didn't involve you. Not a lot of things in Miles’ life involved you, it seemed.
"How have you been?” Rio's voice interrupted your thoughts. You had called her out of nowhere, and after a while. "Have you eaten yet?"
"Oh, um..." The last time you'd talked to Rio was… right before Miles had left for Vegas. Well, you hadn't exactly talked. All you remember is just comforting her in silence. "Yeah, tía. Have you?"
"I have, but I've just been all over the place recently. So many reporters…" Rio's voice lifted up slightly in exasperation. You could only imagine what it was like for her. Your feelings suddenly felt a lot less significant, and you were back to your comforting mode all over again.
"I see. Must be exhausting." You attempted a polite laugh, which came out more like a sigh. If only you could be as patient as Rio…
"I'm so proud, though." Her voice warmed with a smile. If your chest ached with melancholy or empathy, you didn't know. "I didn't want him to leave home so soon. I still think this whole… professional thing is a bit too much, but… I want to trust him also."
"I'm sure he'll be fine, tía. If he's in the nationals already, he's probably getting a lot of support." It was more like you were trying to convince yourself. "I'm sure he has great coaches... and he's got me and Aar— uh, his uncle, too."
"I know…" For a moment, you weren't sure if either of you had anymore to say.
"…If not, I'll have to go there myself and give them a piece of my mind, eh?" she continued. You weren’t sure if it was a joke, but a smile formed on your lips anyway.
"Yeah…" A quiet laugh leaving your mouth at the image of Rio cussing out Miles' poor manager, in two languages no less. No wonder he was such a good boxer — Rio must have passed down her fighting spirit. "Maybe you'd even get signed,” you joked, the image of that even more amusing (and a scary possibility.)
Rio let out her own laugh, and your smile only grew; talking to her always made you feel better. "Me? Boxing? Nunca (Never.) — I'll work in that hospital until the end of me."
There was another stretch of silence. You thinned out a sigh, trying not to let the smile leave your face, even if she wasn’t there to see it.
"Come over for dinner tomorrow. I'll tell Miles to come and get you."
"Sure, tía, I'd love to." He probably just needed a break. Not from you specifically, but in general.
"You know tú y Miles sois mi vida, ¿bien?" (you and Miles are my life, right?) It wasn’t often Rio said that, but you always remembered every time she did, and how it made you feel — like you were family. Rio was pretty much a second mother to you. It made you wonder what Miles' father would've been like.
"Well, it's getting late, and I have a lot of laundry to fold." Rio's tone had a fake sort of enthusiasm — tiredness? You couldn’t really tell with her; the woman was always upbeat. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will." It was late, you realised, and the sky outside your window was a lot darker than it had been before. "You too, tía."
“Descansa, ¿sí?” (Get some rest, yes?)
“Sí, tía.”
The call ended, and you were left facing your messages, a bittersweet feeling hugging you from behind. Right now, Miles was out with Aaron, about some contract, probably to do with boxing…
But why weren't your texts going through?
miles are you ok? Not delivered
im really proud of you Not delivered
i wish i couldve seen you live Not delivered
It wasn’t like there was much point, but…
i love you Not delivered
Maybe it was just out of habit; maybe you just missed him. Your reflection frowned at you behind the messages, thumb hovering over the power button to shut your phone off, until your phone pinged with a notification — Aaron was texting you.
Hey man
Out of town
LMK if miles breaks in
You sat up immediately, fingers floating uselessly above the keys for a moment.
sure Read at 11:24PM
are you out of town already? Read at 11:25PM
Ping!
Yeah
@ Queens
Miles was with Aaron about some “contract”... and Aaron was in Queens?
You knew Miles hadn't blocked you, or turned his phone off — he had no signal. And there was only one place in Brooklyn you could think of that had no reception, and that MIles had any reason to be in. It was also the one place you didn't want him to go to: that damn warehouse.
The place he’d spent training all those weeks — what reason did he have to be there right after finishing the tournament? Putting on your jacket, blinking back the sleepiness and collecting the fleeting remains of patience you had left, you could only hope that Miles had even a shred of common sense with him.
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THWACK! THWACK! THWA— Crack!
"Mierda..." (Shit...) Miles hissed, drawing his glove away from the punching bag. His hand was paralysed for a moment, a deep, gnawing pang running through his fingers down to the rest of his arm. The tight gloves only suffocated him more, doing nothing to ease the pain as he gritted his teeth and waited for it to dull down.
Why was he even here? It was over — that Norman bastard had blown him off hours ago. It felt like a couple minutes, the words still fresh in his mind. Searing pain shot through his hand when he tried to flex his fingers, the rest of his muscles starting to ache too. This was going to hurt after the adrenaline wore off. Damn it, Morales.
The walls flashed white all of a sudden, a faint rumble of thunder interrupting the pounding of his heartbeat as he tried to straighten himself out. It was quiet, except for the sounds of the incoming storm. The playlist he was listening to had finished ages ago — your playlist. If he didn’t want to think about you, he wasn’t doing a good job of it.
Rain blasted quietly against the windows, and Miles’ eyes stung with dryness as he squeezed them shut. There was no way he'd be able to go back now, not to you, definitely not to his mom. She'd probably go on and on about how he should've taken his jacket, how he ruined his hair in the rain again, maybe how he wasted his damn time being a boxer...
It was probably fair; his mom had enough on her plate trying to support them both — especially him right now. She’d done everything in her power to make sure he got to Vegas, and he’d just left her alone again right after. But how was he meant to face her now? He was supposed to make her proud, make his dad proud, but it wasn’t like he had any pride left after he’d lost his contract. The Green Goblin had probably set the record for fastest knockout when Miles lost to him. Of course just the semi-finals weren’t enough; Norman Osborn was the big shot of boxing, and if Miles lost to some rookie in just about 15 seconds, then maybe he wasn’t worth the investment.
It didn’t make sense — nothing about The Green Goblin (or “Harry”, whatever they liked to gossip about) made sense. He’d just debuted, but didn’t even look like a boxer; he didn’t stand right, his style was inconsistent, his head movement was all over the place, but his punch had almost knocked Miles’ brain straight out of his skull. It was almost superhuman. Even with no openings, the freak of nature had forced his way through like an animal. And he was scrawny, not nearly as built as Miles at least, like he should’ve been in the weight class down. Either way, the asshole was being celebrated, and Miles was out of a contract.
And Miles had just stood there, while Norman berated him and tore Miles’ dream apart right in front of his very eyes. Maybe he’d hoped too much as an “amateur” boxer. That’s all he was, apparently — no matter how hard he worked, or what he achieved, or what he promised.
“Why should I keep you? The Vulture was destined to lose at his age.”
“Even rigged matches wouldn’t get you anywhere.”
“I mean, you’re as good at fighting as one of those street kids.”
“That’s all you were before I decided to give you a chance, no?”
The image of the Norman’s uncanny, sneering face sent his good fist reeling towards the punching bag. Should’ve pummelled his pelirojo (redhead) ass to the ground—
"Miles!"
The glove crumpled mid-air against the bag, arm going rigid. It was silent as he let out a breath through his teeth — he wasn’t hearing things, was he?
The rush was starting wearing off, his mind starting to cloud and pain faintly radiating again from his other hand. His good fist tightened inside the glove, pushed against the bag which was still and awkwardly tilted.
You’re losing focus, just punch the damn thing—
"Miles, what the hell are you doing here?"
The noise of the door shutting made him turn around, floor squeaking under his stumbling feet. It was you by the door, breathing just as heavily as him and dripping head to toe with rain, in a jacket that was way too thin for any sort of weather.
Dios... (God...) He knew he couldn’t be hallucinating that disapproving look on your face.
Rain was pattering gently against the glass as he pulled his arm away away from the bag, letting it swing in front of him before his eyes met yours.
"It's midnight, what are you..." A sharp intake of breath interrupted your words — a shiver.
"What’re you doin’ here...?" Miles asked instead through a grimace. His voice came out wrong — hoarse. Cold sweat was clinging to his skin, and his throat was dry and tightening. A mess — that’s what you were talking to right now, barely your boyfriend. All he could do was stare as the rush died down and his senses were coming back to him. The fog in his mind made it hard to speak, even harder to look at you.
"My texts and calls weren't going through— You weren't with Aaron or your mom, I just..." You sucked in another breath through your teeth; raindrops were glistening on your skin. He should’ve just stayed home, damn it. "Was just worried."
Well, he certainly looked worrying, even more so than you. Swallowing back his breathlessness wasn’t helping; it was like he’d ran a marathon with his fists. The pain from his knuckle was starting to bleed into the rest of his hand so much so that it might’ve been broken.
"'M good... You, though?" He let out a bit of a growl to clear his throat before deciding to cut straight to the chase: you’d come here in the middle of the night, in the rain, by yourself. As much as he was being an idiot right now, the amount of times he’d told you to not do any of those things, pleaded with you even, was making you look like the delirious one in his eyes. Miles was being stubborn, but he knew you were worse.
“You insane…?” he muttered, taking a step away from the bag. “Did Aaron tell you to come here or sumn’?"
"No, he was supposed to be with you," you shot back, eyes narrowing at him from under your hood before thunder bellowed from all around. The rain was growing into a loud static noise, and your voice was muffled as your expression grew more exasperated. "You came home 3 days ago and you didn't even text me. Yeah, I probably should've texted you, and I tried, but now you're here training alone again when your mom thinks you're with Aaron and—"
"You come here to scold me?" His jaw crunched a little as he tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice. Miles wasn’t trying to be mad at you — he was just mad in general. It just so happened to be in your direction right now.
“Huh? No, I came here because you scared the hell out of me — and Aaron told me to not let you break into his place.”
If it was supposed to be funny, the laugh he let out was anything but amused. At least Aaron wasn’t here for him to disappoint too, or get a weirdly-phrased life lesson from, or both. “Well I’m not breakin’ in, and I told you, I’m good, so I don’t get why you’re still here.”
You stepped a little closer, and Miles’ heels dug into the ground to keep himself from moving. “Isn’t it obvious? Or are you just being difficult on purpose?”
“Difficult?” he mirrored dryly, trying to push back the growing exhaustion clouding his head.
“Can you not just take a break for once? It’s over, Miles; you already won—”
“I didn’t win.” The walls echoed with his voice, words having escaped on their own. It wasn’t at you, but he didn’t know what he was mad at, resolve fading as he watched your face straighten with realisation.
“Don’t tell me that’s why you’re here…”
His fingers unconsciously clawed into the boxing glove, pain shoot through his hand. Nothing came out of his mouth, but his silence was loud — incriminating. That was the reason, right? That he didn't win?
“Kid didn’t stand a chance.” What was the point of you being here?
“A one-punch concussion — on a newbie, no less.” It was over, like you said.
“It’s a shame, I bet on him too.” Everyone had given up on him.
“You should be resting right now— you’re shaking, Miles.” So why wouldn't you?
“No ‘m not…” is all he could muster, flexing his shoulders uncomfortably. Your hand was on his arm before he could realise, and he was met with a stern look as he tried to keep his gaze from shaking too.
The velcro on his gloves crunched as you started undoing them, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop you. It’s not like he had the energy.
“You coulda’ got hurt on your way here.” The croak in his voice made him sound more hopeless than reprimanding as you slipped off the first glove, pausing half-way down his palm. His bare palm.
“…I could’ve got hurt?” Miles held back a sigh as he was made to look at his own hand. Bruised, blackened, branded with anger — it hurt more to look at it than anything. “You didn’t wear your wraps?”
The other glove slid off, revealing the fresh, festering swelling coming from his middle knuckle — the aftermath of that sickening cracking noise. You took his curled hand, easing up his middle finger and making him hiss under his breath.
“Think you can straighten it?” you muttered, gently trying to do it yourself only to lose his hand from your grip.
“’S gonna be fine,” he mumbled, eyes fixed to the side as his hand closed back up.
“It won’t if you can’t move it properly.”
“You a doctor now?”
“Nah, but your mom’s a nurse.” You carefully held his hand by palm, thumb tracing over the tender, split skin, his fingers wrapping around the side of your hand in futile protest. He’d have to bother his mom again — he didn’t even think about that. “You basically just punched yourself.”
Everything you were saying was right — it always was. He hated that fact.
“You a boxing expert too?” he thought to retort.
“Thought that was supposed to be you.” Miles’ eyes narrowed, and yours narrowed in response. “I don’t get it, baby...” you sighed, shaking your head a little as you put down the gloves to the side.
Baby. His breath almost hitched. You were dating, and it didn’t even seem like it anymore. Not after all those weeks apart. The word didn’t even feel endearing, it was condescending, like he didn’t deserve it. Maybe he was being a baby, and maybe he always had been. You were the one who always had to drag him out of this make-shift gym. Right now was no different, except…
“…Why are you still doing this?” he heard you mutter, still turned away with his hand in your grip. You didn’t even know the half of it.
“Why are you still here?” His hand tried to slip away again, but you only took it by the wrist instead, now facing him.
“Why won’t you answer my questions, Miles?” Your voice deadened into a whisper, only serving to frustrate him.
“I don’t know why you care so much.” He let out a quiet huff, staring at your hand when your grip ceased to relax.
“I care because you look like you’re about to pass out and I can’t let my boyfriend kill himself over something stupid—”
“I’m not killing myse—” A pained groan escaped his mouth as you ruthlessly pushed up his injured finger.
“Don’t push me, Miles.” Oh, you were serious.
“You’re pushin’ sumn’,” he strained through gritted teeth. “Mierda… quit it already.”
The pain tore on another moment, and he was just now realising how bad it actually hurt. All you were doing was staring at him, brows knitted together. “Cariño, please…” he whispered, a wince forming on his face.
Your hand loosened, and he let out a quiet, frustrated, somewhat relieved sigh.
Still a sucker for nice words... He didn’t say them as much as he would’ve liked.
“You need to take a time out,” you stated after a beat of silence. The expression on your face was serious again, killing any sense of tenderness you might’ve shown.
He freed his hand from your grip with the opportunity, before giving you a dubious look. “Like, for kids?”
“Like for boxers, dumbass.” Your gaze followed his retreating hand for a moment before falling back on his eyes. “But if you want me to treat you like a kid…”
“I’m good.” Another roar of thunder rang out before he could add anything, and the rain was so heavy that anything you could see from the windows became a blur.
“…You got your jacket?” you suggested, without much hope.
The idea only made Miles’ eyes squeeze shut again. A shallow exhale left him, and he tried not to let his fatigue cloud his judgement. If he kept talking stupid to you, he’d probably have worse to worry about than a broken knuckle. “You think imma go outside?”
All you could do was sigh. It seemed like the two of you would be in “time out” for a while.
🕸️🔭👾
thank you for reading part 2 soon but then again its not my fav fic in the world 💔 i rewrote this like 8 trillion times and it still wasn't clicking for me 😭 idk i just got sick of editing it again and again
this isn't as short as my usual fics because i felt like i needed to add context... I've never written an au or anything remotely original so this is just yeah... im tryna figure it out! i have . too much lore for this au
reblogs appreciated lmk if you did like it (i hope this is someone's cup of tea lmao)
catch my atsv masterlist here !
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toastnpretzels · 7 months
Text
home
relationships: crosshair x reader
masterlist
word count: 733
warnings: angsty, fluff, there's an unexplained relationship between the reader and crosshair, kinda left it up to interpretation whether you think they were together before or if it was just them having feelings for each other.
season 3 episode 4 spoilers
author's note: i have not posted a fic in so long. ive been so busy but that doesnt matter. the new episode had me feeling some type of way so here you go. its kinda short but i didnt want to expand without seeing hunter and wrecker's reaction to crosshair being back.
thank you for any support whether its likes, reblogs, or comments <3
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“I had help.”
The last few months had been terrible. From losing Tech and then losing Omega to the empire. Spending everyday looking for her with no success. Nothing was ok. All of us were miserable. Our family was being torn apart and there was nothing we could do about it. It couldn’t have gotten any worse.
Getting the comm from Omega was one of the best things to ever happen to us, but seeing her running down from the ship was even better. Embracing her, knowing she was safe, felt better than anything had. Things were starting to feel right again. All it took was one hug from Omega.
But then he walked off the cargo ship and everything in my body froze. He looked so different. He had been gone for so long that I thought the feelings had disappeared. Seeing him there, I knew they never were.
I forgot what it was like to be near him. I forgot how my heart sped up and how my head felt dizzy. I forgot how he smelled and how warm he was. I forgot how much I loved him.
-
After Kaller, nothing was ever the same. He wasn’t the same. The chip had changed him. The Empire had changed him.
He let us go on Kamino. The same day you had told him you loved him. On the platform before we left, with tears in my eyes. I told him I loved him.
“You shouldn’t.”
“Crosshair, please,” you whispered. He could hear the way your voice was breaking. You couldn’t lose him again.
When he didn’t say anything, you turned to walk away. Typical Crosshair to not say anything. He grabbed your wrist as you started walking.
“I love you.”
You stared at him. Your tears threatened to spill out from his confession.
“But I can’t come with you. You deserve better. This is where I want to be. With the Empire.”
I should have dragged him to the ship. I should have done more. But what more could you do when he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be with the Empire.
Why couldn’t he have just came with you that day?
-
No one moved. Everyone was just as shocked to see him. No one knew what he was going to do, how he was going to react. He had tried to kill us before, but he had also let us go. No one trusted him anymore. You chose to remember how he had let us go.
You were the first one to move. Slowly, I stepped out from behind Wrecker. Every step I took towards him was filled with anxiety. It had been too long.
He doesn’t want to see me.
Is he still him?
Why did he come then?
Why would he still be here if he didn’t want to be?
You stopped a few feet in front of him. I could see how tired he looked from where I was standing. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. It hurt so much. He had been through so much since Kamino.
What did they do to him?
I couldn’t stand there anymore. I ran the few feet that were left in between us. I wasn’t sure if he would push me away. As I got close to him, I fell right into his arms. I didn’t realize just how much I had missed him until this moment. He wrapped his arms around me in the tightest embrace I’ve ever had. It had been too long since I had felt him. He was safe. He was here.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a few minutes, so quietly that you barely heard it.
I looked up at him. He had tears that were threatening to spill over. Your heart broke at the look on his face.
“Shh. Not now. Just let me hold you.”
You stood there for what felt like an eternity just holding each other. Quiet tears were spiling from both of your eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered into your hair. His arms tightened around you again, as if he was afraid you would disappear.
It would be hard to forgive. Hard for everyone, not just you. So much had happened. But for now, all that mattered was that him and Omega were safe. Omega was home. Crosshair was home.
“I love you too.”
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81folklore · 1 year
Text
happiness - CL16
pairing: charles leclerc x ex!reader (fc: sabrina carpenter + pintrest) part 2
summary: releasing a song about your ex might finally stop the rumors surrounding your breakup (or: you release happiness about your ex charles leclerc)
authors note: this is my first ever post (and social media au) so please bear with me as im still figuring this all out!!) i dont use proper grammer and may mispell things!! the song ‘happiness’ by taylor is one of my faves so i had to use it, i am interpreting the song in a very specific way to fit the story! i do not own ‘happiness’ nor any song mentioned in this fic. it ended up longer than expected im so sorry😅
masterlist
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liked by annacathcart, henrymoodie and 1,550,456 others
its times like these wish i had a time machine,, i will miss you guys SO MUCH!! buuuut we are going international for the first time and i cannot wait to share my music with all you beautiful people🌟
see you soon paris & link for tickets in bio💌
view comments
user5 cannot wait to see you in paris!!
user7 this tour has been one of the best things to ever happen to me, cant wait to scream nonsense at you once again🫶
user10 genuinely cant stand her after what she put charles through
user9 what are you talking about? their breakup was mutual
user10 seems like she doesnt care which means it clearly hasnt affected her
henrymoodie so excited to be opening for you in europe!
yourusername youre in for a treat tour mate🫣
user2 sigh i miss her and landos interactions
charles_leclerc
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liked by olliebearman, arthur_leclerc and 1,164,121 others
definitely not the result we were hoping for but thank you for making my home race as special as always, onto the next one!
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user10 you tried your best which is all we ask
user3 i missed yn this week, home race didnt feel the same😔
user1 i thought it felt different, he seemed very distracted this weekend
user13 at least you finished the race (im coping badly)
user4 we love you charles keep pushing❤️🤍FORZA FERRARI
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liked by newhopegeorge, landonorris and 2,025,754 others
how am i supposed to leave you now that you’re already over..
paris you were so so lovely what did i do to deserve you guys :’) next stop brussels💌
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user89 talented, brilliant, incredible, show stopping, spectacular, wonderful, amazing!!
user52 forever missing you💌
user71 ok but yn why were you teasing a new song at the show…
yourusername shhhh
landonorris super proud of you
yourusername thank youuu landooo
user2 my prayers have been answered woooo
user46 i feel like i missed something, are lando and yn friends?
user5 yeah! lando was how yn met charles and theyve been friends for a few years now
ynupdates
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liked by user5, user16 and 13,456 others
yn on a new song she plans to release soon tonight at brussels ‘ive been writing a song for a while that really just helps explain the way ive been feeling these past few months, it was very therapeutic to write and ive really enjoyed the process!’ and when asked what the song was about she said ‘its about someone who will always mean alot to me, they know who they are and thats enough for me!’
she seemed very happy to be able to talk about it so expect more updates about that soon! next stop cologne, grab your tickets from the link in our bio💌
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user5 i cannot wait for new music
user16 what if she performs it on tour huh? what then? WHAT THEN??
user15 it’s definitely about charles, she had that same smile she wore when talking about him previously☹️
yourusername
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liked by vicdeangelis, lizzymcalpine, arthur_leclerc and 2,450,470 others
i cant make it go away by making you a villain, i guess its the price i paid for seven years in heaven…
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user5 these have to be song lyrics right??
user7 sounds like it might be about charles🤨
user10 not more music about charles, at least he gets free promo from them..
arthur_leclerc we miss you
yourusername i miss you guys too!! come to a show soon?
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melo-bees · 21 days
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Scars
Summary: in which Finnicks scars remind you of what you you’re lucky to have.
Contents and warnings: mentions of near death experiences, angst, mentions of scars, mentions of hospital equipment, fluff. Post rebellion Finnick x reader.
A/N:Hello! It’s been a minute since I’ve written something and I was feeling a little inspired after reader @milliesfishes recent Finnick Odair work! I’m still quite new to this so I’ll be happy to take any criticism you have!!
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Life is a gift given to us all that we must protect.
You of all people would know this. You’d learned that first hand when the love of your life, Finnick Odair, was fighting for his life in a hospital bed. He had been attacked by lizard like mutants on the mission to kill President Snow in the Capitol. You had been devastated when he was brought in. He had narrowly survived from what everyone was saying and that only made your heart ache more. You cried to the doctors and nurses to let you see him. Eventually they grew tired of the endless arguing and had let you in to see Finnick.
When you saw him you stood frozen in the hospital wing. Bandages covered his body, he almost resembled a mummy. IV’s and tubes stuck out of him every which way. Monitors upon monitors beeped in the background. That’s when you learned life was something you shouldn’t take for granted.
It had been several months since the rebellion. Finnicks recovering had been surprisingly smooth. Perhaps the gods had finally felt pity for the man.
You were both back in your beloved home inside of district 4. It was early morning now. Bits of early morning sunshine streamed in through the windows in your bedroom. You still weren’t quite used to waking up in your old bed after everything that had occurred over the past few months.
The other side of the bed was cold, which was expected. Finnick, your now husband, always went out for his morning swim to clear his mind. So you sat up in the warm bed and stretched your tired limbs out. Turning to the edge of the bed you slipped on a pair of soft slippers and went to search for your husband. You called for him in the house but there was no response. You hummed to yourself and glanced out at the beach through the windows in the kitchen. You were delighted to find Finnick sitting on the back porch steps.
You happily made your way to the back door and opened it quietly. You called out to him again.
“Honey?” You whispered softly so you wouldn’t startle him.
At the sound of your voice Finnick perked up and turned around. You were met with that stunning lopsided grin. It made your heart stutter every time you laid eyes on it.
“Hi sweetheart, just wake up?” Finnick said cocking his head to the side. His hair fell over his forehead in sandy waves. He had let his hair grow out a bit since the rebellion. You supposed it was a way he felt freedom.
You nodded with that pretty smile of yours crossing your face and padded your way over to the steps to sit next to him. He wrapped a strong arm around you. His hands were a little cold from swimming still.
“How’d you sleep, pretty?” He asked, nuzzling his nose into your cheek and pressing a gentle kiss there. Finnick always seemed to want to be as close as possible to you. This fact was more noticeable since the war.
“I slept good. I missed our bed.” You hummed with a small giggle and leaned into his touch. He was always so grounding.
“I did too, honey. It’s nice to be back home with you. I missed this.” Finnick replied. His voice was soft and earnest. His hand traced soft circles on your arm. You turned your head to smile up at him but noticed that his actions on your arm seem to falter. He sucked in a sharp breath and lowered his arm a bit.
“Are you okay, hon?” You asked with a concerned look filling your big eyes. Finnick chuckled, wincing ever so slightly. He nodded with that iconic smirk on his face.
“Never better.” He said with that toothy grin that could make anyone swoon. But you saw through the act. You turned slowly and rolled up his sleeve to reveal a few of his scars from the mutt attack. His scars were a constant reminder of the attack but it they were also a sign that he was living and breathing. The skin surrounding the scars was raw and red. Definitely inflamed. A frown replaced the smile on your face, your eyebrows bunching together.
“Finnick, this is bad. Did you overdo it today on your swim? You’re supposed to be resting. Did you take your medicine?” You bombared him with questions. You couldn’t help but feel worried about him. Finnick let out a sigh and rested his arm around your shoulders again. He reached down and cupped your cheek with his free hand.
“Baby, baby…slow down a little. I’m fine. My scars are just a little achey today. I took my medicine and I wasn’t out swimming for that long.” Finnick cooed. His own brows were knitted together and his sea-green eyes were full of honesty. You nibbled on the inside of your cheek and nodded.
“Alright, I’m just-…I don’t want you to hurt yourself, Finn.”
Finnick nodded in understanding and wrapped you up in his strong arms. You didn’t miss the way he winced when he did. You carefully leaned against his chest.
“I know, honey. I’m being careful. I don’t want you to worry about me though, alright? We’re home safe and sound. No more worrying, hm?” Finnick tilted his head to look down at you. His brows were still furrowed together in concern. He wanted to make sure you understood. You reluctantly nodded. You were home now. Everything would be alright.
“Alright. I believe you. I’ll stop worrying. I only worry because I love you, though.” You whispered to him. You met his gaze with the same earnest expression. Finnicks face broke out into a soft smile. He leaned down and kissed your temple gently.
“I know you do, baby. I love you.” He muttered against your forehead. You closed your eyes, feeling safe in his arms. A wave of comfort rolled over you. You knew things would be alright.
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grendel-menz · 2 months
Note
yo im not sure if this is a weird ask so feel free to ignore but like !! sorry i just had a moment bc ive been struggling w being half white for a long time now, like something was off my entire life with how other white people would treat me as an Other, the way they would like reduce me to an animal/the wild friend/make some weird dehumanizing comments, and despite all this not even knowing the truth of my ancestry til i was out of high school. but at the same time i felt like i could never really claim it? like i had no connection to my native side since my father wasn't allowed that so i was basically raised White and every time i looked in the mirror something told me it was wrong for me to even seek that connection. it did not help that i'd meet other half natives here who would tell me that (there is a weird culture here about rooting out "fakers" and accusing people you dont like of faking their history to get yourself more legitimacy). sorry this is all a rambly preface to say id always related to your art about ancestry and culture and finding yourself and how people treat you but felt wrong for it but then you post a picture and you're a stones throw away from me. like, we look like we could be cousins. idk i just went wow, i look like that too, its okay, i shouldnt have gatekept my connecting behind fear of... i dont even know what anymore. idk this ask has no point so from another genderweird half who hallucinates i hope u have a great week month year and i hope good things happen to you. you bring a lot of joy to people
I'm sorry you've struggled with all this, it can be really tough. My situation is a bit different since my mom never let me forget I'm Filipino. I never felt distant from being mixed, just the culture we lost due to some extraordinarily difficult circumstances in the past few generations of my moms side. I'm also lucky in that Filipinos and SEAsians as a whole tend to be very avid about welcoming mixed kids into the community (though there's a lot of racism and colorism involved in the level of acceptance someone gets, unfortunately. I'm pale and treated well, and I doubt someone darker skinned would be treated as well in certain circles.).
I can't speak for Native American communities, but I will solidly say in general that blood quantum and its enforcement is colonial. Your ancestors do not love you in halves or quarters, that would be very strange. When I have a baby I plan to love the whole thing and not just whatever dna percentage is mine. It's just important to research, support, reach out to, and represent your community to the best of your ability. (If I've misspoken here lmk.)
I have Indigenous family members, ancestry, and community, but I don't personally call myself Indigenous because I am still researching and reconnecting, and it's such a big word. There's no rush to things, go at the pace you're comfortable with when it comes to seeing yourself.
Sorry for being long winded! Hopefully that helps or yeah! :D
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