#ive never been more glad to be off facebook

[foldingpaperflowers]

Maybe it's just that I don't understand the point behind lying about smth like this, but, idk why sometimes people online lie about knowing you.

Like today I learnt that I went on SO MANY family camping trips with other familes. My mom learnt that apparently she and my sibs dad had other couple friends. Apparently I grew up being close with so many peoples kids that our parents were friends. All of this is being said to justify calling my family crazy.

What is even the point of that tho? What do you really get out of saying those things????

[randoofan0m]

something happened today and i just needed to get it out.

TW: death, mention of suicide and car crash

i live in an isolated place. its small, no more than 20,000 people, and quiet and an everybody-knows-everybody type of community. last night a junior in high school die in a car accident with his mom in the car who did manage to survive.

i didnt know this kid, but i know he played basketball and was on 3 teams, him mom was well-known and apart of a local native tribe. he has a little sister in kindergarten and a brother who's only a freshman.

he passed around 10 o'clock last night on November 14th and everyone found out as early as 6am this morning.

i found out and spent a good chunk of my morning sobbing, but i never knew this kid except in passing and i feel like an intruder. he was my cousins' friend and a close family member to another one of my friends. he was well know and a good guy.

almost half of the high school was dismissed but they didn't let kids go home by driving themselves and didn't want any of them to be home alone resulting in carpooling and kids staying over at each other's house which was a good call i believe.

his mothers tribe is hosting a bonfire for him that'll go on for 24 hours and the high school has, since this morning, hosted an area for their teachers and students to talk and write letters to his family. i want to go and write but i feel like an intruder.

i didnt know him like my cousin did, or the basketball team, or his family. i want to say things to him but i don't know anything but his name.

stories on instagram and facebook and whatever are being shared and posted and for once im glad I've been off of those platforms for a while.

this is terrifying. i dont drive as everything is within walking distance, but my cousin starts driving in a few months and so many kids i know will start soon too. we're support to be a "safe" place. nothing big is supposed to happen here, its supposed to be a paradise and a place that only is active in the summer. im scared to go down where he died and im scared to the store his parents own.

i want to write a letter to him, to his family, but im so scared of what to say. i don't know what to say.

two people dead in 1 year in this isolated community. they were not even 6 months apart. a teacher who killed herself and a student who died in an accident and a friend of one of my friend's mom drank himself to death last night as well.

its scary and i hate this so much.

he was not even 18.

ive heard so much and i cannot stop thinking about him. he seemed like such a good kid with such a good family. im glad the school is doing everything they can to help with the memorials and reaching out to the families. im so grateful for the local tribe for honoring him.

i wish this never happened and o could make everybody feel better bur i cant. i wish i could stop crying but i cant.

rest in peace, W.S. and if there is an afterlife i hope you're with the people you love and are well cared for.

[wooahaes]

Hi Daisy! (I'm so sorry, I don't know if it's weird for me to call you that, I can stop!) How are you? I'm new to Tumblr, so I don't actually know if I've done this right. Sorry if I haven't! In your questionnaire, I said that I was too scared to message you, but I've finally done it! I wanted to say I love your work, it's so comforting and I find it immersive. Sorry if this is a stupid question, should I be reblogging fics that I like? I feel bad for not doing it, but I don't know what it is.

omg its 100% fine to call me daisy?? its not my real name but i think a lot of ppl would guess that skdfhsdf pls know that if u see this (literally anyone who follows me) its 100% ok to call me daisy!! i wouldnt have it on my blog if it wasn't <3

i'm good! tummy hurtin a lil and im feeling the lack of sleep (rewatching shinee world iv was worth it tho), but it's all good <3 welcome to tumblr u will never leave /j

also omg hi!! ur message was super sweet and im proud of u for stepping out of ur comfort zone!! pls know i don't bite (unless ppl bite first) and i'm always happy to talk to anons <3 also i'm glad i can provide comfort to you!! ur super sweet aw

absolutely not a stupid question at all tho!! a lot of writers and other cc's will say a resounding "yes" and while i do think that people should reblog fics they like, if its initially like... super daunting to do so, i think its okay to like? getting used to tumblr can be kinda hard in the beginning, but i do highly recommend reblogging fics--even if you don't have any followers btw, the engagement still means a lot to ppl!! even if ppl don't put tags or anything, it says "i like this and i want other people to see it" since likes aren't public the way they are on other websites (or at all, if you turn them off)

please don't feel bad for not doing it since you're new!! literally i think most people don't understand how tumblr functions but that's pretty normal for joining a website haha

i'll explain things under the readmore and you can let me know in another ask if you have any questions!!

so full disclosure: i'm working on desktop and things are usually pretty similar on mobile, but there's a few differences that i can try to explain if you're on mobile!! but for reblogging:

at the bottom of a post, you'll see a couple things. they're in the same place pretty much for both desktop and mobile. if a post has been interacted with (through a reply (the little bubble icon), a reblog (the arrows), or liked (heart)), it'll have notes! you can nowadays see what other people write in their replies/reblogs by clicking on the notes key and looking through the different tabs there, but some people limit their replies (the bubble will be grayed out as a result) or turn off reblogs (reblog arrows will be grayed out).

excuse the extra buttons on mine: im on desktop and i have an extension called xkit active <3 (it allows me to block posts + do quick tags when i post fics)

as you can see: this post i made (which is dk uts skdfhds its the first thing i have thats not my pinned post) 48 notes, followed by a series of buttons. ignore the first two (they're from xkit), the rest are what you'll typically see on a post.

in order:

the single arrow can be used to share the post. either you an send it to other tumblrs (not all people have DMs open, and i'd honestly say ask before you DM someone if you don't know them well), or you can copy the link, share it on twitter/facebook, or do other things w the "more" button like send stuff via text n whatnot. its very possible to send things from a sideblog, if you ever have one and want to do it that way

on mobile your main blog will be at the top of the page with a little down arrow next to it: all you gotta do is click it and decide what blog you wanna send it from. on desktop:

you can see the bubble next to "your message here" isn't my icon since the message would be coming from my main. all you gotta do is click that little bubble (of your own icon) and you can send things from different blogs <3

anyway!!

the little speech bubble is the button for replies. tapping/clicking it will just open up the replies tab.

reblog on both desktop and mobile will open up the tab to reblog something. if you're on mobile, though, and wanna reblog something quickly, you can press and hold. i have sideblogs so i can't confirm if only having one blog will just auto-reblog it, but with sideblogs it'll pop up 2-3 of your recently used blogs (if you have more than 3).

on desktop:

this is what reblogs will look like! it's similar to posts, but the difference is just the blue "reblog" button compared to a blue "post" button. important distinction: the #tags is for tagging stuff (or, yknow, posting thoughts if you want lmao the tagging system on tumblr is kinda broken). if a post asks for something "in the tags" then you type in the tags as opposed to the main body <3

anyway, that lil heart outline is the like button <3 it just says that you like a post :) they don't get broadcast onto other people's feeds the way they do on other websites, but you can have them public or private through messing w settings

i hope this was helpful!! pls feel free to let me know if you have any questions <3

[genderinvalid1]

tw: parental death, vent post

sorta a vent post but i have been awake since four am after getting like no sleep and i decided to look at my moms old facebook (she died when i was at a psychward last october) and seeing all the fucking posts about how she was a great person and loved her family and was so giving and kind just fuckin. made me so upset because i didnt seem to get any of that side of her for so long and it sorta hit that im never gonna get an apology for any of the shit she did, or more accurately, didnt do for me. once i started showing signs that hey, mental illness runs in the family, she stopped being there for me and everything she did was more for herself because neither of my parents could stand having a fucked up kid without taking the blame for it and actually doing something to help me when i needed it most. theyre the ones thst showed me i couldnt trust either of them with any of my mental health bc they'd just dismiss it. even before i got kicked out i was still the punching bag for my family, i was the kid who wanted to get away from people that hurt me and they didnt wanna admit to hurting me. i was told to my face last summer that "i cant have trauma because i dont remember all of it and im just playing the victim card" after getting screamed at by my aunt for "manipulating my boyfriend by using my mental health as a bargining chip to get what i want" (newflash: i was having a severe panic attack after being home after a psychward stay and then living with my aunt for two weeks). shes also the person who called me during my third psychward stay to let me know that asking for someone to drop off basic hygiene products because that whole stay was just over a month long and i was running low was very manipulative and that since i was being so manipulative doing so she was gonna use this time of need to manipulate me back.

also the same person who said that there was no way i could have bpd bc "she has it and i didnt have the same childhood as her and she had it so much worse" (i got diagnosed with it a few weeks into my residential stay)

shes a bitch with a saviour complex who cant admit when shes wrong and my mom was a guilt trippy disaster and im glad they're finally out of my life. along with most all of my moms side of the family.

since getting kicked out and moving in with my boyfriend and his family (genuinely kind and amazing people) ive finally been able to calm down and start the fucking long ass process of healing from everything and its really kicking my ass recently.

[willow-salix]

TAG WIP game. I was tagged by @hedwigstalons to share a line or paragraph from my current WIP.

I'm usually pretty good in the fact that I work on one thing at a time, so I don't have that many hanging around undone, but I do have lots of random ideas in my notes which I can share too.

I've been working pretty hard on all my fun "Isolation on Tracy Island" series of random posts which I've been sharing on the Gerry Anderson Podcast Facebook group and on Ao3, so I've not been getting as many chapters out as I wanted to.

I've got a start of a new chapter to Opposites Attract :

John watched as Selene wandered aimlessly around the lounge, picking up the random items that his family seemed to scatter the length of the house if they were in a room for more than five minutes and tidying them away.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't still worried about her. She'd been better since her talk with his father, more responsive and more like her usual affectionate self, but unless someone was actively engaging with her or she had something to occupy her thoughts she was quiet, too quiet for his liking. Where she would usually be the first person to insert herself into a conversation or to offer to help, but now she hung back, sitting quietly until she was spoken to.

He and his brothers had done all they could to keep her busy and included in everything they did, but there was only so much time they could devote to her. He could understand hee, while she wasn't numb with grief anymore she was having to process, to switch her view to a world where her father no longer existed in it and while Rufus hadn't been a very active part in her life, she was still feeling the loss greatly.

He and Scott watched her like hawks, constantly on the alert for a change in her moods. They saw the way she could be joining in with a conversation one minute, even sharing a laugh with them or watching a movie and without warning her eyes would fill with tears, as if she'd suddenly remembered or felt guilty for forgetting and enjoying herself. She would hurriedly brush them away, or make an excuse to leave the room for a few moments, not wanting them to see. But they knew and their hearts hurt for her.

This is the latest "Isolation Update" :

Day 29 of isolation on Tracy Island and I'm beginning to regret my life choices. 

Picture the scene. I was innocently wandering, minding my own business, in search of a shady place to settle down and read my book, with nothing but the relaxing sound of the ocean for company...

A window somewhere up in the villa crashed open, shattering the peace as someone screamed at the top of their lungs. 

"CANNONS!" 

"Gahhh," I squeaked in shock, spinning round to see who was attacking. My foot slipped on a wet towel that had been left on the side of the pool and as if in slow motion I skidded sideways and went headfirst into the deep end. 

I flailed and flopped my way upwards and came spluttering to the surface, managing to tread water as I swiped the wet hair back from my face. 

"What the bloody hell was that?" I yelled, splashing my way towards the side of the pool. 

I looked up to see a head vanish from the window. 

"Gordon Tracy you are a menace to society!" I screamed up at him. "Someone help me out!" 

It was Virgil who dragged me out and got me a towel. 

"Why did we show them Les Mis? How dumb are we?" I sighed. "We should have been more careful. We should know them better than this."

"Everything is dangerous with those two, they can turn anything into trouble. If we stopped them watching everything that could influence them we'd never watch anything again."

"True," I acknowledged, "urghhh, I need to go dry off. I'm just glad I didn't have my phone in my pocket."

Honestly, those two had been a nightmare the whole night after they watched our last musical offering. They had managed to pick up key phrases and moments and had taken to blurting them out at random moments. 

I'd been rudely awoken by Alan banging on the bedroom door shouting, "You at the barricades, listen to this!" And they wonder why I lock the door at night...

Gordon had walked into the kitchen late and, finding himself all alone, and more importantly to him, most of the breakfast offerings already eaten, had begun to mournfully sing,"Empty chairs at empty tables."

Alan had tried to get John to help programme in some new code to one of his games but when he was told he'd have to wait until later, had begun to bug him with random video messages. In each one he was singing "One more day all on my own. One more day with him not caring." 

Gordon had annoyed Scott by loitering around in One's hanger where Scott was helping with some maintenance, waited until he dropped a spanner from high up on the nose cone, then yelled "We need as much furniture as you can throw down!" 

But this last one had gone too far, I do not like suddenly finding myself soaking wet, especially not from an unplanned dip in the pool. They were just lucky real witches don't melt. 

"Just be grateful they aren't dressing in fishnets and inviting us to see what's on their slab," V reminded me. I shuddered at that mental picture. 

"They're going to be impossible to live with, aren't they?" 

"More than they already are? Probably. But luckily for us they get bored easily. We just gotta wait it out. Not like we haven't got the time."

That sounded like a solid plan to me, and so far it's working well. I've been hiding out in this Pod for the past three hours. The WiFi reception is terrible, but I've got access to Virgil's secret snack stash, I've got two cans of Cherry Coke and a damp book from its plunge into the pool, and it's quiet. And at the moment that's all I need. Maybe if I stay here long enough someone else will cook dinner. 

I have this as a note: John and Selene back on the island, and every time they try to kiss or be affectionate Jeff kinda just pops up and hovers there like… 😳😉🙄🤔😕

And this note: Selene is on a diet ready for the wedding, she's eating nothing but salads and healthy stuff. John and the boys are on a stealth mission to sneak in junk food.

Ive got lots more notes but I can't share them as that will give away too much of how the story will continue.

I'm also trying very hard to get Selene and John to behave and not keep trying to grope each other and demand I write spicy stuff, knock it off you two, I'm too busy for that!

I'm too busy because I've been researching for days to write questions for this weeks GA Zoom quiz, Captain Scarlet this week, and it's been testing me as much as it will the people tonight.

So, I nominate @samantha-tvandmovies and @hodgehegposts to share their WIP, sorry if you've been tagged before.

[travosti]

I used to have the biggest crush on this dude a few years back. Our first date was a Halloween frat party HE WAS HOSTING lol. I dressed like a skittle little rabbit and the first thing he told me was “wow you’re shorter in person” (we met on tinder). He left me alone almost the whole night while everyone else was flirting w me. We became fuck buddies after that and when I asked for something more (since that’s what he said he was looking for) he like totally distanced himself. 1/2

2/2. I was like infatuated w this boy but he blew me off and I literally can’t even remember his name anymore!!!! This was October+November 2017!!!! I tried to look him up on Facebook to show someone and I couldn’t even remember his name!!! Anyways I’m married now but woo that was a trip

i think we all have or had a crush on someone that would come n go like nothing and theyd expect u to be available for them 24/7 ( n never b available for u) even tho when we’re not obligated to do so. even if u love/like them. u gotta think for urself and ask if this is healthy or not and if its worth it. that sure did sound like a trip. ive been on emotional roller coasters like that! glad we both got out of it. (pray that i dont get on another one) 

[i-swear-im-not-crazy-well-maybe]

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!!

So I attempted suicide like I said I would on my last post. I ran away from home to a secret location, bought a rope and tried hanging myself off a playground late at night. No one was around, then all of a sudden this guy comes up to me and told me he was an off duty police officer. I quickly untied and ran. He followed me on the phone to the police. I made it to the beach and police got there pretty fast. Lots of police and a mental health nurse came. Apparently I was listed as a missing person and the police made a post on facebook with my photo saying I was a missing person. Anyway, the psych nurse formed me on the spot and waited nearly an hour for a special mental health ambulance to come. The ambulance came and I was so distressed they tied my hands and ankles to the stretcher. I kept getting out of the wrist restraints so the police handcuffed me too. We got to the hospital and the doctors gave me several IM injections and security tied me to the bed. Then they put an IV cannula in and gave me more sedation. The next day they said I had a bed at a locked hospital so I was sent there. I've been in here since last Wednesday now. My doctors are actually so good. They're listening and said that they've never seen someone so depressed before. I still don't want to be on meds so every morning they inject me with olanzapine. This morning I was distressed and my Dr held my hand while they were restraining me to inject me and he hugged me and said he was so proud of me. He said he was thinking about me all weekend. He came to see me again this afternoon to see how I was and he said hes coming to see me first thing tomorrow morning to see how I am. He said I deserve help and they will help me. I keep asking to be discharged but they won't let me they said I'm too unwell. He said its probably the most unwell I've ever been. Im on a 2:1 special, 2 nurses follow me everywhere and I sleep in the high observation room which has a camera. Im glad someone's listening to me but not happy im being drugged. There was also talk about ECT again but i dunno yet. I think I'm going be here for quite a while :( also I'm not speaking to my parents, especially not my mum because she called me attention seeking and selfish for wanting to kill myself. I feel so depressed. And the voices won't shut up. I've been in seclusion twice because I was angry after they inject me. I'll update more when I can

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[incoherentbabblings]

First Date (9/9)

Tim has one more test to pass before Bruce will allow him out as Robin. Like Dick and Jason before him, he has to avoid being caught by Batman for one night. He has already failed once, and is determined to succeed this time. Determination which might not count for much when Stephanie Brown is on the run from the mob. Her mother kidnapped as a way to threaten her father, Stephanie manages to escape and run into Tim. Unable to leave Stephanie alone when she is in need, Tim decides to try and multi-task. All he has to do is rescue Stephanie’s mother, take down the mob, avoid Batman, and get Stephanie to agree to a proper date all in one night. Absolute anarchy ensues  Ao3 link here!

Tim hadn’t felt so close to crying since his mom’s death and dad’s coma.  He sat, silent and despondent, staring at his knees, trying very hard to not start blubbering.

Batman, as always, was a stone pillar next to him.  Saying nothing, making no noise, not even breathing for all Tim knew.  He was brooding as much as Tim was.

He had failed the test.  Again.  But more than that, he had endangered a mother and daughter, and allowed a man to have been killed.

Head blown off.  What a way to go.

Dick had warned him once, that not stepping in front of a bullet was not the same as firing the gun. Dick spoke as if he knew from first-hand experience.  Tim couldn’t hold himself responsible for every injury and death that occurred, it would drive him insane with guilt, but still, Tim wondered what would have happened if he had done what he was supposed to.

Stephanie wouldn’t have gotten shot and fallen off the bridge for one thing.

All that was bad enough, but when Bruce said that he had found Tim just before he had run into Stephanie, Tim began to choke on his tears.  He hadn’t even managed an hour.  He had failed in every possible way.

He coughed in a lame attempt to cover up his unsteady breathing and to force air down his constricted throat.  Batman finally took pity on him and spoke quietly once more.  Thanking every god in every possible form, he didn’t sound angry.

“We’ll get back to the cave, Alfred will give you the once over, then I want you to go home.  We’ll talk properly next weekend.  Your father will be expecting you home soon.  I’ll find Arthur Brown this week without you in the cave.”

Nope.  The disappointed tone was worse.  What Bruce was saying was reasonable, but Tim really didn’t want to sit around waiting to hear that Robin was a dead pipe dream.

“What time?”  Tim asked.  Bruce opened his mouth to respond, but Tim interrupted before he could reply.  His nerves were getting to him.  “I’ll come around at three.  Yeah, I’ll do that.”

Bruce pressed his lips together and said nothing.  Tim took that as a fine.

He managed to hold it together for Alfred to give him the metaphorical thumbs up.  Changing into clean clothes, Tim waited whilst Bruce was checked and promptly sent straight to bed to rest.  Tim rummaged through his bag, eating food he’d purchased at the corner store, and turned his phone back on.  There were no messages from either Ives nor his father, so Tim guessed his lie had been a success.  Alfred offered to drive Tim to his car in town, ready for Tim to drive back again to his father’s, and pretend he’d had a nice evening with Ives.

Sometimes lying to his father was easy.  This was not going to be one of those times.  Standing in the car park, Alfred placed a gentle hand on Tim’s shoulder, sympathetically – practically – saying goodbye and sorry.  Tim smiled and shrugged it off.  He got in his car and watched as Alfred left.  The weather was still awful, grey and wet and chiller than it had been yesterday.  It seemed to match his mood.

Head falling forward, Tim banged his temple against the steering wheel of the car, cursing himself for several hard years work, effort and dreams gone down the drain.

For the sake of a girl.

Tim felt no resentment at Stephanie.  Not for one moment did he think anything that had happened last night was her fault. No, honestly, Tim knew where the fault lay.

Driving home was slow and painful.  Traffic was bad and the weather was worse.  By the time he got home, he just wanted to crash into bed and not emerge for the next week.  But no, Monday was just around the corner, he had a week of school to get through.  Maybe it would be easier, without training in the evening.  Without anything to work towards.

Plonking up the steps to the front door, and desperate to distract himself from the heartbreak, Tim wondered how he could go about getting in contact with Stephanie.  Opening and closing the front door, Tim somewhat resembled a drowned puppy.

“Tim?”  He heard his father call from the living room.  Steeling himself, Tim took off his shoes, and tried to smile.

“Hey dad.”

His father was bent over the coffee table, assorted papers and what looked like bills in his hand.  Dana was probably working with a client in town. 

“You just back?”

“Yeah.  Sorry, I’m a bit soaked and shattered.  Didn’t get much sleep.”

“You head out at all with Ives?”

“Um, just for a second, picked up some food and stuff.  Played games mostly.”

His father nodded, then looked away, satisfied with Tim’s succinct responses and ready to return to his work. 

“Well go ahead and take a nap if you want.  It’s still early.”

“’Kay.” 

Tim went to go up the stairs, then paused for a moment and turned back.  He sat on the couch next to his father, who blinked owlishly at his son.  They so rarely spoke, but even Jack recognized the solemnness in his son’s posture. 

“Dad…how did you and mom meet?”

Jack was not expecting this question.  He swallowed uncomfortably and put down the papers.

“We met through work.  There’s not really a grand story to tell.”

“But how quick did you know?  That you…liked her.”

Jack frowned, like he knew he wasn’t able to give the answer Tim wanted to hear.  A broken marriage close to divorce before Janet’s death did not make a romantic story.  “Tim… I don’t know.  Honestly, I never really thought about it.  Why?  What’s brought this up?”

Telling half-truths was than flat out lies, so Tim twisted his hands and tried not to burn red from embarrassment.

“When I was out yesterday, I ran into a girl.”

That made Jack interested, he puffed out his chest and leaned back against the sofa, smirking knowingly and ready to needle Tim.

“Oh?  And you think you’re head over heels?”

“After less than a day?  Yeah, a little.”

Jack smiled kindly.  “Everyone’s different Tim.  Just because your mother and I didn’t…”  His discomfort returned, like he wasn’t willing to lay bare his relationship with Janet to Tim.  He broke off abruptly, then smiled once more, but this time it struck Tim as slightly patronising.  “Doesn’t matter.  You’re only sixteen Tim.  Got your whole life ahead of you.”

Tim said nothing, trying not to start crying again.  What he had wanted and planned for his life to be was no longer an option.  A whole life of what?  Taking up the family business?  He felt the corners of his mouth turn down, and he struggled to neutralise his expression.  Jack watched him with some concern.

“I guess so.  Still, you’d like her.  I think.  She’s… pretty sharp.”

“She have a name?”

“Stephanie.”

As he spoke, Tim froze, remembering he had his phone.  Pulling it out, he went to Facebook, and tried a search to see if she would come up.  He found her not too far down, smiling beatifically in a cheesy grin for the camera.  She was sitting at a dining table, probably at her school.  A girl with bright blue hair was sat next to her, resting her head on Stephanie’s shoulder.  The rest of her profile was private.  Jack tilted his head as he looked, musing on whether or not he liked the name or the face.  Abruptly ashamed for some reason, Tim decided to leave before the conversation could get derailed and Jack could give an unsolicited opinion. 

“Anyway,” Tim stood up, leaving behind a wet patch on the sofa from his wet jeans and jacket.  “I’m gonna go nap.  See you later.” 

Glad for the awkward conversation to be over, Jack waved Tim off silently and returned to his work.

Slipping into his room, Tim pulled out his phone once more. Staring at the smiling Stephanie, he hesitated only for a moment, then clicked to send her a friend request.  He threw his phone onto his bed and tugged his shirt off to change into his pyjamas, exhaustion quickly making him feel a bit dead on his feet.  Crawling into bed with wet hair, he sighed sadly.  He truly didn’t want to face the next week.  He buried his face into the pillow, and his chest began to shake with unspilt tears.

An aggressive buzz buzz on his phone pulled him away from despair long enough to activate his home screen.

A notification lit up before his eyes – Stephanie had accepted his request. 

Tim didn’t know he was doing it, but he smiled at his phone, and for a moment the disappointment and crushed dreams vanished.

When one door closes…

***

“Is it okay that we talk out here?”

Bruce, who had opened the front door for Tim, paused, but nodded.  Tim was being cowardly, refusing to go all the way downstairs only to do a walk of shame back up and off the estate.  Best to get it done over and quickly, like ripping off a bandage, but Tim thought it more akin to hacking off a leg. 

Shutting the door firmly behind him, Bruce and Tim sat on the stairs to the entrance of Wayne Manor.  Tim placed his skateboard down in between them, to act as a literal and even metaphorical shield from anything that would come his way during the awful conversation.  The sun was out, for once, and it was warm enough to not need a jacket.  The two sat silent for a moment, watching the gravel path up the hill.  The wind blew gently, disturbing the taller grass.

Tim waited for the anvil to drop.

“Arthur Brown was hidden over in Gotham Village, near the university campus.  He’s back in police custody.  Said he was doing the world a favour, stealing the money from human traffickers, said he did nothing wrong.  His wife and daughter are going to have to testify about what happened to them.  I trust Stephanie won’t reveal who helped her last week?”

“She hasn’t so far, no.”

“Hmph.  You did well Tim, given what you had to work with.”

Tim stared at Bruce from the corner of his eyes, keeping his face turned forward, and expression caught between incredulous and anxious.

“I doubt that.”

“Look, there are two aspects to last week.  The first, the test, you failed miserably.  I told you not to linger at the starting point, which you proceeded to do.  I don’t know if Dick told you that disobeying my advice is a good idea, but it wasn’t.  You were told, you didn’t listen, and it backfired.”

This was what Tim had been expecting.  A shopping list of what he had done wrong.

“That would have been that, except I think meeting Stephanie changed everything.”

Tim slowly turned his head towards Bruce, who was in return not looking at Tim.  The kindlings of hope sparked. 

“You tired to balance the test with looking out for a civilian hunted by the mob.  I understand why you did what you did.  It was all for moot considering you had already failed by that point-”

Ouch.

“But you protected her, saved the mother and made a significant dent on one of Gotham’s mob groups.  Any other night that would have been a success.  But you failed the primary objective.”

Tim took the stillness after Bruce’s speech as his cue to defend himself, but he didn’t grab it.  “I could have activated the beacon you gave me.  She could have been safe with you the entire time.”

“And I still would have failed at the warehouse.  Except there may have been more of them there instead of arrested on the bridge and corner shops.  You came, you won.”

“It was Steph’s idea…  And she took out loads of people along the way.”

“Would she have managed alone?”

“No.  No, she asked me to stay with her.  She couldn’t have done it alone.”

“And neither did I.”

Baffled by what Bruce was saying, Tim tried to catch Bruce’s gaze, but he seemed stubborn to avoid it, as if he wouldn’t get the words out if he looked at Tim.

“I spoke at length with Alfred, Dick and Barbara.  They think you’ve warranted the name.  I suppose Dick’s opinion counts for Robin more than the others.”

“…What did he say?”

Sighing, Bruce planted his hands down behind him, leaning back, face contemplative.

“That Robin wasn’t mine to give, regardless.  Dick had given you his blessing, and that was all that mattered.  I said perhaps, but Tim also wants to work with me, and that part I do need to give my blessing to.”

“And… do…you…?”  Whispered out of fear of what one syllable word was to follow, Tim watched, chest and stomach squirming with anguish, as Bruce blew an angry gust of air out and screwed up his face.

Alfred poked his head out the door then, making Tim jump a mile.  Alfred smiled mischievously.

“Master Tim, I’ve let a young girl through the front gate.  I believe you know her?”

“Wait what the what?”  Tim turned to see Stephanie huffing over the crest of the hill on a bicycle.  Tim and Bruce both stared in utter astonishment as the girl who had been shot twice less than a week ago began to wheel down the slope, apparently quite happy and over her brutal injuries.

“Well then,” muttered Bruce, standing up.  He stared at Stephanie was a sort of fond bemusement.  A distant echo of, “Oh this is a bigger hill than I thought,” drifted over to the manor, and they watched as she whirled over, pink helmet juddering up and down on her head.  She was wearing jeggings with giant sneakers, and an oversized sweater that made her look like she was from the wrong decade.  She belonged in a nineteen eighties teen sitcom, not twenty first century ragged Gotham.

She came to an abrupt stop at the base of the steps, losing control of the bike as it turned sideways sharply.  She stumbled off, catching her foot on the pedals, squealing as the bike fell over onto her.  She caught it, and corrected herself.  Smiling brightly, she took off her helmet.  Her golden hair had gone a bit static, flyaway strands sticking upwards. Bright red cheeks and a breathless joy made Tim’s mood lighter just from watching her.

“Hullo!”  She greeted, glib as always.  She wasn’t looking at any of the three men on the steps, however, she was focused on the massive scale of the stone house looming down. “Nice to meet you Mr. Wayne.  Your house is very big.”

Bruce had put on his Brucie face and laughed fakely.  “Yes, it is big.  Who are you?”

Stephanie started awkwardly, and laughed, finally looking at Bruce, Alfred and Tim.  “Oh.  Sorry.  This is rude.  I’m Stephanie Brown.  I’m hunting for Tim Drake which, hah, found you.”

Tim trotted down the steps and reached for her bike, holding it for her.  “And how’d you do that?”

“Well, I found out where your dad lives, which – long story – was funny ‘cause when I turned up he said you were at Wayne Manor ‘cause you know you just casually hang out at Wayne Manor sometimes, like normal people do, so I asked him to tell me where it was ‘cause I wanted to surprise you!  Are you busy?  I think I’m interrupting something aren’t I?  I can go if you want.  Your dad was looking at me funny.  Did you tell him about me?  Did you tell him you’re madly in love with me?”

Tim blushed, Bruce stared, and Stephanie laughed.

“Seriously though, have I come at a bad time?”

“No!  No, you’re fine.”

She really wasn’t fine, nor was she supposed to just roll up to Wayne Manor with no invitation, but Alfred could have turned her away if he felt there was a need to.

“Oh, good, I just don’t want to be a bo – Hey!  That’s your skateboard?”

Tim looked back at it sitting on the top step.  “Oh. Yeah, that’s it.”

“That’s so cool!  Can you show me how to ride it?  Got time to go to the park?”

Stephanie was interrupted by Bruce, who walked down to be on equal standing with the young couple.  “Stephanie?”

“Yes?”

“I’m just finishing up with Tim.  He runs chores for us every now and then you see.  But we’re pretty much done now.”

Tim reached out and held Stephanie’s wrist, needing the physical contact.  She nodded, completely oblivious to his mood.

“Sure sure.  Sorry both, I know this is a little off the cuff.”

“Quite alright!”  Bruce said, turning away.  He reached across and grabbed Tim’s skateboard, and held it out for him.  More than a little despondent, Tim limply took it.

“Tim, see that you come back around tonight though.  Need to start fitting the suit for the thingy.  Better let your dad know that your workload is going to go up from now on.”

Blinking at the floor, Tim felt the gears grinding in his head as the dots connected and the stars aligned.  He looked upwards at Bruce; Alfred’s nose twitched mischievously at his employer.

“…Sure.  I’ll tell him.”

“Grand.  See you tonight Tim.  Nice to meet you Stephanie.”

“Nice to meet you too!”

Tim stood, jaw against the floor, unable to comprehend what he thought had just been hinted.  Bruce said nothing more and returned inside the manor.

Suit…Work…Evenings…Robin???

“I will buzz you out once you reach the front gate Miss Brown.”

“Thank you Mr…”

“Pennyworth.”

“Pennyworth!  Thank you, Mr Pennyworth!”

Alfred rolled his eyes and closed the front door, leaving Tim and Stephanie alone in the front porch.  Tim wanted to run a mile.  He wanted to jump up and down.  He wanted to swing Stephanie around.  He wanted to ring Dick or Babs and just scream down the other end.

Instead, he turned to Stephanie, and kissed her cheek.

“Can’t believe you tracked me down.”

“I have my ways.” She whispered conspiratorially.  “You know you can look people up from when they register to vote?  Your dad’s a good citizen.”

“Oh… yeah.  He tries.”

She giggled and went to climb back on her bike.

“To the park then?  Then dinner.”

Tim gently bumped her back off.  Saying nothing, he stuffed his board in his backpack and climbed on her pink bike.  He gestured for her to clamber on as well, perched on the bars on the back wheel.  She chuckled, the playfully slapped her helmet on his head and buckled it nice and neat.

“Onwards chauffeur.”

“You know,” he said as they set off.  Getting over the hill was going to be a nightmare, Stephanie would be just as quick walking, but a strike of insanity made him determined to carry the two of them over the hill.  He began to puff with the strain.  “You shouldn’t… have cycled all this way!  Your stitches…”

“Ah, it’s fine!  Fit as a fiddle.  Clean bill of health, mental and physical.  Well kinda, but hey.  I’ll get there.  Mom and me got a court hearing in a few days.  Starting to get on first name basis with those guys, seems like we’re there once a year…  Anyway, you’ve been doing okay this week?  I was worried about you.  After the friend request I hear nothing…”

“Me?  Stephie, I’m not the one who was… sick all over herself, hunted by the mob, shot in the leg, shot in the stomach… thrown off a bridge, betrayed by her father, tasered two people… and knocked out a few others, and of course let’s not forget running over your mother.”

“…Words hurt Timothy.”

“Wow… Timothy.  Full name derision.”

He huffed and pressed on, struggling up the hill.  He was determined to succeed, if only for the fact that he had a sneaking suspicion that Bruce was definitely watching through the front window.  He was Robin now, he would cycle up a hill for goodness sake!   

“Hey come on.  Going home with Batman after… he wasn’t cruel was he?”

“Cruel?  No.  Felt like it at the time...  He’s a big fan of the silent treatment.  But –”

The bike wobbled as it had slowed down to an unbalancing pace.  Tim grunted and stood up to gain more momentum.  Stephanie saw the effort he was putting in and decided to tease him.

“But…?”

“But… it’s…fine.”  Stephanie grinned as he punctuated each word with a cycle of the pedals, watching his cheeks puff in and out with the effort of speaking.  “I…failed…the test… but… I still… got Robin…Wheew!” He stopped as he reached the top, collapsing on the hard seat.  Stephanie tapped the top of the helmet, Tim’s jaw vibrating from the impact.  She clambered off the bike, noticing he wasn’t pressing the breaks.  The hill turned downwards, straight towards the large black gates that Mr Pennyworth had promised to open for them. 

“As you should!  Best guy for the job.”  She moved to the back and rested her hands on the back wheel and frame of the bike.  She rocked it back and forth, Tim raising his heels off the floor to allow her to do so.  “And this is good.  Now you can train me too to help at night.” 

“Wait wh-”

She shoved as hard as she could, sending Tim rocketing down the hill.  He screamed the whole way down, causing her to double over with laughter.  He jolted the bike to the right as she had done, but still flipped completely over, rolling professionally as he was no doubt trained to do.  Stephanie ran down the hill, breathless with joy.  The bike clanged against the fence, which comically began to swing open a moment too late to prevent Tim’s accident. As she approached, she could hear him bitching to himself.

“God what the hell!  Some warning would be you know…welcome”

She crashed into him, kissing him hard on the lips.  Instantly his hands went up, squishing her cheeks.  It was a wet and clumsy kiss, one that made a squelching sucking noise when they separated, but to Tim it was perfect.  Steph pecked his lips once more.

“You have no idea how glad I am you were there last week.”

“Me too.”

She smiled, then reached behind Tim and tugged out his skateboard.

“C’mon, it’s flat from here on out.  You skate and I’ll cycle.  My dad’s going back to prison, my mom is safe, and I am healing nicely.  Now…I want my first date, boy wonder.”

Taking off her helmet from his head, she set off, waving him to follow her. She wanted to move past her parents, wanted to look forward to something better, something more.  That sweet, earnest, handsome boy who was more a hero than any Bat.  Tim was her greatest chance to do more, to be more. 

Snapping the board and wheels down, Tim kicked the ground a few times, then caught up.  The past week of misery fell behind him, and instead of one door being slammed shut in his face, it was like the entire wall had caved in.  So many new possibilities, and all with this mystifyingly bright faced blonde riding next to him.

***

Bruce and Alfred watched on the CCTV monitors as the pair rounded the hill and stumbled through the gate together.  Both men were struck with how young they were. 

Alfred coughed politely.  “Those two may grow to be joint at the hip Master Bruce.”

Bruce said nothing and continued to watch. He frowned momentarily, but not from anger, only from being deep in thought. 

“You think so?”

“I received the impression they are quite smitten with each other.” 

“Let’s see what happens.  If Stephanie truly does want training, to prevent a repeat of last week, maybe we can help her.  Her mother and her are a bigger target than ever.”

“Hmm.  I will inform Miss Gordon.  She seemed quite intrigued by Miss Brown.”

“Sounds good Alfred.  I need to call Dick, see if he can come home tonight.”

Bruce continued to watch until the pair were out of sight of the cameras.  He laughed quietly to himself.  Any plans he had made for Tim becoming Robin were looking increasingly vague. 

Somehow, he didn’t particularly mind.

[yandereaffections]

What about a yandere peter Parker where the readers famous and he’s obsessed with their movies and one day he spots them by themselves and takes them? Btw love your work ❤️

Oh how amazing you are, all your characters personalities perfectly displayed with your acting, along with a beautiful personality yourself

Peter couldn’t have fallen in love with a more convenient person

You’re all over the Internet, everywhere

Pictures of you scattered across google from your social media that he checks more than 10 times a day

Having a relatively big fan base that provides him pure bliss, fan art and fanfiction that he day dreams of for the majority of each day

Peter is generally the biggest provider, making phone wallpaper, fanfiction and art all about you and being spot on as well

The fanfiction is the scary thing, while it allows peter to rant out his yandere traits it’s incredibly specific, detailing each and every curve on your body along with the marks on your skin that are hidden from the public eye

He writes you encouraging fan letters everyday, to a point Aunt may even noticed. She’s glad he has a crush but a little concerned with the obsessive behavior he’s showing towards you.

On days peter has off he usually sticks to your social media, wether it be Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, doesn’t matter as long as you post something

Pictures is what peter loves the most from you, a beautiful smile painted for the world to see. Yet sometimes he gets a little bit of additional information from them, such as road signs behind you, or store/restaurant names.

It wasn’t until you were doing some business in New York, not only New York, but queens!

Oh he was so giddy you’d never see his smile this bright

Traced you through your photos on each social media, along with posts, just the chance to get up to you, to get a glance of you as you walk to your next objective would be pure bliss

Usually surrounded with a small group of fans, body guards keeping them back restricting peter from even being able to speak to you

But today he was lucky

You were alone, absolutely alone. Disguised in sunglasses and casual clothes, but peter could see right through them. It couldn’t not be you! Perfection at its finest, walking across sidewalks bless with your steps.

This chance will never come again, your popularity growing with each hour and there’s no doubt more people will be after you once you become recognizable to everyone

This is his chance, his chance to meet you the most beautiful human being.

Peter will act like he accidentally bumped into you, calling you out for being famous and genuinely trying to start up a conversation with you

But he slipped up, “I’ve been sending you some fan letters as well” laughing a bit, yet stopping once you suddenly froze

“Peter? You’re the peter that continuously sends me those letters!?” You looked and sounded disturbed, and he didn’t understand why

“Listen, it was a pleasure to meet you but I have to ask you to leave now.” You say in a rush, trying to walk off before peter tugged you back towards him, forgetting his strength accidentally hurting you, immediately letting go of you once you yelp out

“I’m sorry, sorry please y/n just wait-“

“Just leave me alone!” Yelling at him before peter suddenly knocks you out, panicking not wanting this to be how it ends, no it’s not supposed to be this way you were supposed to be his friend! It was planned to go well he couldn’t let you end it this way.

Feeling you fall agaisnt him unconscious, to feel your weight agaisnt his chest was a dream come true but it would’ve been better if it wasn’t for this situation, dragging you into a alley, panicking as he tries to figure out what to do

He’ll just, have to find a place to keep you until you wake up, yes! Then you can talk to him, he can make it up to you! A private place is always better for a relationship right?

Looking down at your sleeping form, eyes tracing over each detail of your face even more delightful in person. He’ll make this work for the two of you, it’ll be perfect.

[abyss-mal-blog1]

current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that. 

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor. 

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad)  we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow. 

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters. 

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that 

moving on 

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep. 

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company.  what else...an AR project that when you scan a food,  it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after. 

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk) 

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit 

i am going to create more things

[rosykims]

anon bc scared? but I’ve been following your blog for a while now and although I adore it I can’t help but notice you post a lot of negative/personal things on here? your ocs are AMAZE but I can’t help but notice all it seems u do is focus on them/play video games? I’m no psych but gaming all of the time & posting about your problems on social media never ever helps you or anyone else. Even on tumblr. Maybe if u suffer with your MH it would be good to get outside & away from social media:/

thanks for your concern, and i really appreciate it the intention behind this and i’m glad you like my ocs! but this post sort of made me a little uncomfortable and i’ll try and explain why. 

i actually don’t go on social media at all ! tumblr is my exception, and apart from actually pm-ing on facebook, most of my social media accounts have been inactive for over a year. tumblr has been a place where i feel safe, and can talk about light things i enjoy ie games and writing. i also have friends on here? so a lot of the reason i spend some much time here is because i enjoy talking to people and being a part of a community. 

 i’m also  not really sure what you’re talking about with the personal posts? i won’t deny that i have posted negative stuff before and likely will do again, but ive been scrolling through my blog and have seen zero negative posts so far. i don’t think i post “a lot” actually, and usually pretty infrequent. and the posts i do upload are ALWAYS tagged with negativity and cw’s, and a lot of the times are under a read more. so idk?? i can see you point that it isn’t a GREAT habit to get into but uhh i don’t think the things i post are even that negative?? like “oh im sad i had a bad day” or “oh no i dont write well anymore” is usually the height of it

my last point is -  you sending me this message, even though you don’t know me and, like you said, “you’re no psych”. well, obviously i know myself, and i actually DO have mental health qualifications, and i also briefly worked as a mental health support worker, so i have experience on top of that. i really feel like your intentions were good when you wrote this, so i’m sorry if this is coming across as a bit harsh, but it’s not really appropriate to comment on another person’s lifestyle or mental health when you don’t actually know them. like, how do you know i spend all my time gaming? i’ve played maybe 4 hours of games since friday. you can’t base these things off assumptions. 

i’ve lived with my own mental health long enough that i know what’s unhealthy and what’s not for me. and me being on here and finding comfort in things.... isn’t a negative or dangerous thing at all? it would become dangerous if it started to interfere with my life, or if i couldn’t distinguish real life from fantasy, or if i spent so much time on here i forgot to take care of myself, but that’s not the case? and if it was, i understand my health enough to be able to seek support for it. either way, i do thank you for your concern for my wellbeing but it’s not neccessary, and even though this message didn’t upset me personally, things like this could be really alienating for other people, who use tumblr as an escape for their own stuff. i hope you don’t read this as an attack on you personally anon, because it’s not ! but in future, please don’t send these kinds of things to people you don’t know, or if you do know them, make sure you come to them as a friend first. 

[hamilton-one-shots]

Hamilton High School AU 27

“I want to make a campaign for an art class at school, for John. I know we're seniors, but I think it'd mean a lot for him... When we were talking, he told me about how he hates that there's no art program and that the only reason he really accepts those commissions at school is to add some color."

Lafayette smiled and pulled out an outfit. "I think that would be a sweet thing to do for him. I don't doubt that he'd love it." He showed him the blue shirt that he wore to the art gallery and a pair of dark jeans. "How's this? This is your only formal shirt. Maybe with some Converse?"

"That's fine." He nodded. "Thanks, Laf." He paused for a second. "Hey.. Do you want to hang out? We could watch a movie or play some GTA or something."

Lafayette smiled widely. Alexander never asked to hang out before. "That sounds great. You can choose whatever we do."

Alexander nodded. "Well.. We can watch Heathers? I've got a lot of bootlegs on my laptop."

"That sounds great! Or, maybe... Have you ever watched Sweeney Todd? I found a professional recording of it."

Lafayette? The guy who spoiled his kitten and wore bows in his hair when he was younger, like Sweeney Todd? Alexander supposed he shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. After all, most people probably wouldn't have guessed that he was a Heathers fan. "I've only seen the movie, but sure."

He scrunched up his nose. "The movie is nowhere near as good as the live performance that I have, in my opinion."

"Okay, I'll take your word on it."

Lafayette smiled and went to his room, crouching down as he opened the door and cooing at Rosie. "Hi, baby! I'm here early!"

Rosie bounded across the room to Lafayette excitedly, like it was the first time she'd seen him in years. She leaped up so quickly, she tripped over the edge of her basket with a little thud on the floor. Not that it stopped her dashing however. Lafayette hadn't had Rosie particularly long, but she already knew who her 'parent' was. She purred against his leg affectionately.

He smiled and pet between her ears, then scooped her up, kissing the top of her head. "I missed you too. Let's go hang out with Alex."

She meowed in response and watched as Lafayette grabbed his laptop, bringing it to Alexander's room.

He sat down beside him and put on the musical, smiling as the music began. "Do you mind if I bring Rosie here?.."

"No, of course not, as long as I can hold her."

"Oh, of course." Lafayette handed her over and she purred just as affectionately as Alexander held her.

Alexander hardly paid attention to the show, too busy playing with the tiny kitten in his lap and listening to Lafayette hum along. He really was talented and there was no surprise that he was going to star in the school musical, though it did surprise him to hear for himself just how high Lafayette's voice went. "So, why is everyone so chill about all of the death?"

Lafayette chuckled. "Well, if you were actually paying attention, you would know that these two, Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett, are the only ones that even know about it. Sweeney's obviously the murderer and his victims are used in her pies."

"Well, I'm sorry your fluffy heathen is toying with my heart."

"Meow!"

"Yeah, you." He chuckled, then grinned. "So, what you're saying is... Their pies are to die for?"

He rolled his eyes at the awful pun. "Yes, I guess you could say that." He smiled. "The ones made with priests are heavenly. The lawyers are nice, if they're for a price. And Beadle isn't bad 'til you smell it and notice how well its been greased. My advice is to stick to priest." Of course, Lafayette was quoting the pun filled song, "A Little Priest," but Alexander clearly wouldn't have known that.

And, as expected, Alexander broke into a fit of giggles at the pun. After all of the drama of the past few days, he was able to just laugh and be happy and it only helped that he was eating better and that he actually took his medicine.

Lafayette was more than glad to see him so happy.

But he knew things could've been better. He pulled out his phone and texted John, who should've just been getting off of school. [hEy!] [todays not been 2 sucky] [watchin musikals w/Laf] [wana join? iv got a cuddle heer w/ your naem onit 😘]

John sighed as he read the text, walking with Herc to the shop. [Sorry, I wish I could, but I got detention : (] [Adams made Jefferson 'apologize' and I told him to fuck off.] [I'll try to go afterwards, I promise.] [I love you.]

"Are you sure you're up for this?.. I won't be offended if you're not."

"I'll be fine." He looked at his phone as Alexander responded.

[awwww :( remind me 2 beet his ass wen im bac in] [i love u too <3] Alexander sighed and looked at Lafayette. "He's got detention. Because of stupid Jefferson, too. I hate that guy."

[I won't, but I'll happily beat his ass for you.]

Alexander smiled a bit at the response. "Well... At least we can still watch musicals. Oh! I have an idea." He reached down and grabbed a box from under his bed. At first glance, it looked like a normal box of mementos and pictures... Then he pulled out a bottle of vodka. "Don't tell mom and pop."

Lafayette chuckled and shook his head. "As fun as that sounds, going to school hungover doesn't."

Alexander tutted. He knew Lafayette was right. "Okay. Let's watch Be More Chill."

John sighed as he dropped his bag behind the till in the shop, watching Herc get ready. "Alright, I'm already ready for this to be over," he half-joked.

"Me too. Last chance, John. You don't have to be here."

He shook his head. "I want to."

"Okay.." Herc sighed as he heard the unmistakable bell ring and turned to see Jefferson walk in with his friend, John Jay. He'd only really seen him around Jefferson and knew he was a shy guy.

John slipped into the big, spinning chair behind the till and turned away from everyone, simply listening as Hercules worked with them.

"What are you looking for?" Hercules droned.

"Where's your usual pep, Mulligan?" Thomas teased.

"What can I do for you today, gentlemen?" Hercules added, voice dripping with optimistic sarcasm. John Jay snickered.

"Prom suits." Thomas replied with a little grumble.

"Er, nothing flashy..." John added, causing Thomas to tut.

"ONLY flashy, JJ..." Thomas corrected him.

Hercules rolled his eyes and let the pair watch as he picked out a suit, able to tell their sizes at a glance.

"I like that one," Jay told him.

Hercules nodded and gave him the one he was referring to.

John Jay thanked him and walked towards the back, following his directions to the changing room. "Hi, John." He realized that he shouldn't have said that only after he saw him cringe. "Sorry.."

"It's fine.."

Jay ducked into the changing room as Thomas grinned over at John as he turned around, figuring there was no point in hiding anymore.

"Just the babe I wanted to see. Still have my number?"

John ignored him, putting in his earphones, and Hercules tried to distract him.

"If by flashy, you mean glitz and glam, we've got an array of sequined suits-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Johnny, tell me-"

"As well as matching ties, bows and shoes that go well with them-"

"That's nice. Baby, why don't you-"

"And to top it off, we've got a sale on matching cuff links and ties, so you could even match them up for a reduced price-"

"Hey Jerkules, I'm trying to talk to-"

"There's also tailed suits and with matching heels, if you're into that sort of thing as well."

Thomas looked like he was going to smack Hercules, like steam would start pouring out of his ears in frustration. "..I want a model." He gritted.

"Hmm... let's see... there's just me running the shop today... and I'm a completely different size to you... so I guess there's none available." He hummed. The most frustrating thing was Hercules was technically not doing anything. Sure, he was being a bit more brash than usual, but all he was doing was selling. Thomas wouldn't even be able to leave a bad review.

"..what do you think?" Jay asked nervously as he returned from the changing room. Hercules certainly had a talent for picking the right outfit for the right person. The pale blue matched Jay's aesthetic perfectly. Even the size was dead on flawless. Jay looked pretty charming... unlike his friend who looked like he'd erupt at any moment.

"Looks great." Hercules smiled... somewhat cheekily. He was going to milk the moment. "I was /just/ saying to Thomas how we have a sale on matching cuff links and ties if you wanted to look at those."

Jay opened his mouth to answer but shut it when he caught sight of Thomas' glaring. "...s'fine." He concluded instead.

Thomas pushed passed Hercules as to stand over John, yanking out his headphone. "If you want to strike a deal, then you have to talk to me." He snapped. "Or should I discuss it with Alex instead?"

"...who's Alex?" Jay queried, raising a brow.

"The guy I added on your Facebook earlier."

John flinched and sighed, shoving his phone into his pocket and snatching his headphones back from Thomas. "First of all, ouch. I don't appreciate you yanking my earphones out. Second," he looked over at Jay and smiled. "You look good, Jay. That's definitely your color." He gave him a thumbs up, then turned back to Thomas. "Third of all, if you even want to /think/ about ever having me back, you will not lay a hand on Alex. Or Laf. Or Herc. Overall, don't get your hopes up. You're still the last person I'd ever sleep with." He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned farther back in his chair. "Didn't you want a model or something?"

Thomas nodded. "Well, can't go to prom without a prom date."

"No. You already tortured Laf enough."

Thomas rolled his eyes at Hercules's protests. "Oh, come on. You know this place can't survive without me."

Hercules hated to admit it, but he knew he was right. As popular as his parents were in Ireland, almost none of that was in New York. Just a few bad reviews and the shop would have to shut down, sending them back to Ireland.

Jay shifted his weight from foot to foot awkwardly, just trying to avoid the conflict that was brewing. Sure, he knew what Thomas was capable of, but that didn't mean he was like him. "Maybe some of those suits over there?.." He pointed at a rack.

John sighed. "I offered. I'll do it. Thanks, Jay." He gave him a small smile, then returned to glaring at Thomas. "I don't know why he hangs out with you. He's way too nice for you."

Thomas rolled his eyes. Jay was a nice guy, he knew that, and he wasn't going to drag him into this.

Hercules led him away and John stood up.

"Alright. What am I trying on first?"

"Let's see.." He went to the racks and picked out a light pink tux, one that looked just a size smaller than John. "Try this."

"Whatever." He took the suit and went to the changing room, glad that it fit him right. He went back out and stood on the pedestal.

Thomas lit up at the sight, especially knowing that John was in no position to do anything about it. He stepped towards him and straightened out the suit a bit, then cupped John's cheek. "You know, last time I got this close to you, you punched me." He almost looked sincere.

But John knew better. "You earned it."

"Yeah, yeah. Go change." He gave John another outfit, this time a dress.

He tutted and took it, going to the dressing room and getting changed. He came back out after a few minutes in the deep pink, knee length dress and distracted himself by wondering how many sequins were even on the dress as Thomas approached him again.

"Don't you look adorable?" he hummed. "You should wear some more dresses. Speaking of which," he gave John another hanger. "Try this on for size."

John rolled his eyes and changed into the dress, which was noticeably tighter. He was doing this for Alexander, he reminded himself, the same Alexander who was texting him.

[hey! me n laf r watin]

[Sorry, but I have something to take care of with Madison. I'm already out. : (] [I'll text you when I can see you, I'm sorry.]

[Aw, tat suks : (]

He went back out, clutching the light blue and jeweled fabric, and stood on the pedestal, blushing and hoping that his boxers were high enough to not be noticed.

"Phone away. Alexander isn't here. It's just you and me."

John tutted and put his phone down.

"Good boy."

Across the shop, John Jay and Herc were just finishing up.

"Thanks for everything, Herc."

"Just doing my job." He smiled, then glanced up and frowned at John and Thomas. "Aw, Jack.." he muttered.

Jay glanced over as well and frowned. "Hey, Thomas, my mom's expecting me home soon. You're my ride home, maybe we should go.."

Thomas shook his head. "Just one more, JJ."

"Come on, Thomas. You're not even looking at any suits."

"Alright, fine." He sighed and went to Herc, paying for his time, before going back and getting his coat, smacking John's behind as he passed by.

John jumped and ducked into the changing room, quickly getting back into his own clothes, and sitting against the wall.

"Get out of here, pervert," Hercules grumbled at Thomas.

"Same time next week?" he smirked.

"Let's just go, Thomas.." Jay muttered, walking out with him.

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[beehyland]

excerpts from VIOLET BEACH

listen here

i.

And then the same nothingness, same smell of salt, same breeze, but–

I was still standing. And we were in this space, this–this purple nothingness, no ground, no sky, no nothing, that’s a double negative, you get what I mean, and–I was still standing–more floating, which was–not as pleasant as you’d expect? But not unpleasant, either. And this woman, she looked at me,  dead in the eyes, and–

And she said–

[beat, uncomfortable]

What did she say?

[laughs]

It’s–it’s in my head, like. Tip of my tongue. I wrote it down, but it’s–it’s another individual letters making out a word I know but can’t–type situation.

ii.

I try not to have crushes, because they’re dumb, and they keep my eyes off the prize, which is to say, y’know. College. My art.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that feelings are pointless and that we’d be way better off without them, y’know? Especially when those feelings are for really dreamy girls who manage to look, like, at least 70 percent like she’s into girls, even though this is Corielli, so, like, she could be the straightest girl on earth, and also she’s weirdly nice, like—nicer than most people. And it’s kind of annoying how nice she is, like, she—she’s nice to everybody. Even to people who don’t deserve it.

But. Anyways. She’s super hot and I’m kinda sorta in love with her. Whatever. Rant over. I’ll edit that out.

So. Ghosts and mystery and intrigue. Woo.

Y’know, maybe Mae’s caught up in this mystery, actually, cuz—well, she only showed up after all that happened. Maybe she’s, like—maybe she’s a ghost. That’s the nightmare, honestly, being in love with a ghost. Like, second only to her being straight? Worst case scenario.

I could write a solid one act about being in love with a ghost and, like, protag comes to accept that she’s dead and is willing to make this work, but ghost girl’s like, “Oh, too bad, don’t like girls. Sorry, honey!” And that’s the plot twist. Sad ending. A tragicomedy for everyone.

iii.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Mulder or a Dale Cooper or a Ripley or any given Rick Moranis character, and now–now I’m none of those. But this sorta thing, it gives me a chance, y’know? It–these are my monsters of the week, this is my search for the sister, this is me living out what was never written for me, y’know? It’s–I’m in this goddamn narrative, and even if this isn’t a narrative, I’m gonna make it one. Because why not! I–I’m working on self-love everyday, like Doc Claremont said. She’s my therapist. You know. Gotta get those life skills in place. Constantly improving. Letting myself be myself. Hell yeah.

So here’s the plot, so far, then. Seven outcasts–we’re all pretty outcast, I’d argue–stand alone on a beach, and, bam, flash of light, and bam, the world is dying, and then, darkness. Lost-style eye-zoom in, right, Michael Bay spin, and then we’re back on the beach. And then we get a coherent plot about time loops, and nothing else, because it is two-thousand-and-eighteen. And there are interwoven character webs, and interesting enough flashbacks, and–

And it makes sense. And it’s well-written, and it’s well drawn, and it has a really good cult fanbase that–you know. You get the gist.

iv.

But there’s something about the beach. Something so isolated from the rest of the world, y’know? Not–not, like, when you’re at Ocean City in the middle of August, no, I mean–when you’re alone, and it’s maybe forty degrees out, middle of January, and you’re–maybe you’re listening to some acoustic cover of your favorite 2004 pop song, as is my wont, and–you just feel something. And it’s tugging at you, like, maybe the beach itself is the siren song from folklore. Maybe the beach is telling you to go–to go home, even if you and the beach have different definitions of the word. My definition is–uh. The house. With Elaine and Douglas and the hammock and the fireplace and the messy bedroom and the–the wholeness of it all. And the beach’s definition is the ocean, and the abyss, and what have you.

Except–no. That’s bland high-school level faux-existentialism, and I’m better than that. I promise you. I’m better than that.

But there’s something about the beach. Y’know? Just–just. There’s something. And I think it’s important to all of this, I–Look. Listen. Maybe I was homesick and I didn’t even know it before I came back. I think that’s the thing. I think it’s just delayed homesickness and exhaustion.

v.

Anyway. I’m currently recording from, because they have a mic and I do not, Angie and Teresa’s dorm, within the bathroom of which Angie is currently pacing, not saying anything, which is exactly the opposite of what she usually does, so, uh, we know something bad’s happened regardless of previous context. Just to. Set the scene, kinda. Some good visuals, and what have you, we gotta keep this as cinematic as possible. Also, this room’s walls are gray and have, like, emo music posters everywhere, so–let’s erase that and pretend it’s yellow with paintings on it. Maybe some faded pink or bright red accents. And I’m in the center of the shot. And this mic is old-fashioned Yeah, you got it. Right there.

Just got a typo-filled text about how these posters are not of emo bands, and, Angie, it’s good to know that that’s your top priority right now? Just sayin’. We agreed no guest stars, too, so, uh, get out of my recording. Dude. No texting. You can keep–pacing, and, uh, writing in dry-erase on your mirror, but. Get out of my recording.

vi.

So, here’s the thing about boarding school murders—cuz that’s where my brain keeps going, with this, because that’s the closest thing I have to mystery hunting in the past. Because I did help, yeah. I—I didn’t have many friends, okay, I was new, I was shy, I didn’t do sports or anything, like—I needed friends, and I had this opportunity, so. I stole a video camera from my film class and I helped make a documentary. Look. They can’t get me for it now, I have a masters. So.

We would sneak out into the woods out by the dorms and we’d just—we’d film recreations of the murder. A student killed her—well, we figured out that it was just her friend, but my roommate thought it might have been either an athletic rival or a romantic partner–which I shut down fast, like, look, I am all about gay people doing things, unless they are murder.

And we’d do this every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night, around three AM. I didn’t sleep much at age sixteen. I don’t sleep much at age twenty-five, even, but, like—I get more, now. So that’s really good. But irrelevant. And my roommate, whose name was Janice Potter, she was from Georgia and she hated that about herself, and—like, sure, cool, whatever, one Tuesday night, when I was busy building sets for the musical, she went out by herself, with the camera, and—I was walking back to the dorm, and I saw her lying in the woods with a broken leg. And I—I brought her to the infirmary, said she fell while taking pictures of the set build for the newspaper. She wasn’t even in newspaper, we—we barely had a newspaper. But the nurses didn’t care, they just needed to tell her mother something.

vii.

I don’t want any of you to be alone. I don’t think there’s anything worse than that, I–I’m glad we have each other, the seven of us. I love you guys. That’s–that’s what I want to say. And I love these stupid–these tapes. I’m gonna make more of ‘em. I hope you guys do too.

Uh.

I love you, I guess. I hate the stigma around that phrase, like, I love you, and I love bad coffee, and I love my guitar, and I love–I love cartoons on Sunday mornings, y’know? That we ti’vo’d as a joke and now we’re watching them not as a joke. Cuz they’re comforting and they’re nice and they’re good and we’re those obnoxious Facebook teens like, share if you remember the good ol’ days.

I love a lot of things, is what I mean, but I love you the most. I guess. Again, corny. But true. And whatever.

I–I’m gonna miss this mystery hunting. So.

Why stop, I guess? Why, when we’re–we said we’d stop when we learned what,but what if we stopped when we learn how and why and what to do next.

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. VI ※

here’s sentences from 10 more of jenna’s videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! more jenna sentences

REVIEWING BAD APPS 3

“All I did was download them and giggle.”

“What I like about this game is that there’s a lot of depth to it.”

“No, you’re dead.”

“I’m out, I’m out, I’m out.”

“I love how all of this works.”

“This is too stressful.”

“I’m over it, nope, I’m done.”

“I wouldn’t get you that for a ring. That’s an ugly ass ring.”

“This is getting dark.”

“It won’t let you say no!”

“It costs 99 cents to figure out how to build sexual tension.”

“Don’t talk about your problems, you fucking slouch.”

“I paid 99 cents for that.”

“Excuse me, I’m learning here.”

“I paid 99 cents so you knew how to get sex.”

“Ew, this is nasty.”

“This whole thing is extra.”

“She’s not having it, this is wrong.”

“Oh my god, this is so uncomfortable.”

“I’m learning so much today.”

“Is he asleep?”

“I have glasses, I can’t.”

“Oh my god, it’s real.”

“If you’re in the car with your parents, this is infuriating.”

“Yo, Uber, pass me the aux cord.”

“That was 99/10. That was a great app.”

“How to get unfriended in one day.”

“This app fucking rules.”

“It’s kinda relaxing.”

“Okay, can we give this a rest, now?”

“You paid for this.”

“This is pretty fun.”

“Oh my god, I want to die.”

“As angry as it makes me sometimes, I do like it.”

MY BOYFRIEND DOES MY VOICEOVER

“Please don’t listen to anything he says, it’s all garbage. It’s all lies and garbage.”

“You can eat the ball of foam when you’re done.”

“There’s no calories, so it’s good.”

“This works if you put it directly in your eye for enhanced night vision.”

“I prefer a Sharpie, but we were out of Sharpies, so I used makeup.”

“I think it’s working. I kinda wish it would just be done.”

“Are we done with the eyebrows yet?”

“This is art, people.”

“I’m doing the underneath part, which is getting dangerously close to my eyeballs.”

“If you were a really bad kid and you always drew on tablecloths, you’re gonna be really good at this.”

“Oh, I hate this part.”

“We are literally making up our eyeball.”

“This is easily the worst thing ever in the world.”

“Look how messy I am.”

“I wanna kiss myself.”

“The word contour comes from an ancient myth about centaurs.”

“We can fool people.”

“Makeup is a good, deceitful trick, people.”

“Okay, so now I have some cheese.”

“Shut up…!”

“I hate this.”

“I think we’re highlighting.”

“This is only available in Ukraine, and I flew there once to get it.”

“This is a great way to cool off.”

“Oh, okay, that’s it. Thank you guys, bye.”

THOUGHTS FROM A COUCH

“I wanna lay on my couch in this blanket.”

“Repeat after me. The president is not my daddy. He cannot just spank me whenever he feels like it.”

“I think we need to abandon this mission to Mars business. It’s been a long time, and it’s not gonna happen.”

“I say we start terraforming Saturn.”

“When you look up in the sky, you can see rings. Tight.”

“If everybody donated the ends of their loaves of bread a week, we could feed a lot of hungry people. Especially if they’re hungry for shitty sandwiches.”

“You asked for this.”

“Maybe a simple solution is don’t get your news from Facebook.”

“I know what billionaires want, and it’s Tom.”

“I think the punishment for mistreating animals should be being thrown into a pit of gorillas.”

“Too soon? Too late.”

“We could get rid of rush hour by making half the population nocturnal. Half the people work regular hours, half the people work Batman hours.”

“What is armpit hair for? What is it for?”

“Think about that. That’s an impressive statistic.”

“Drums should be called bangs, and bangs should be called regret.”

“Why does the government get to tell me how many dogs I’m allowed to have?”

“Do I look like someone who lies?”

MY DOGS’ WEDDING

“Today seems like the perfect day to just bring everybody together with some love.”

“We need some love right now.”

“I mean, that’s pretty, right?”

“I’m not here to judge them.”

“Time is of the essence.”

“It just feels like the right thing to do.”

“I mean, this is looking pretty dope.”

“Wow, you look fucking nice.”

“It’s not very good, but I do know the basics of it.”

“I mean, it’s pretty cute.”

“I’m hoping that it looks right.”

“Today’s the day, baby girl. You’re getting married.”

“You’re not supposed to be here.”

“You’re gonna remember today forever. Or you might forget it. But it’s important.”

“I know, you’re so excited.”

“Wow, you did it.”

“I’m so excited for you.”

“I mean, that’s really it.”

“This is what I did with my time today.”

P*SSY GRABBING SELF DEFENSE

“Even if he doesn’t become president, he could still grab me by my pussy.”

“I think the fuck not!”

“Is this what you wanted?”

“I don’t like this at all, why did I do this?”

“I regret all of this.”

“You didn’t think it all the way through, did you?”

“Fuck off.”

“Was it stupid? Yeah. Do I care? No.”

WE GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT, WE ARE OKAY

“We are okay, everything is fine.”

“This is all I can do.”

“It’s scary, it’s not fun, and the last couple of days have been miserable.”

“I already don’t like flying.”

“Can’t think about that stuff… trying not to.”

“Let me set the scene for you, okay?”

“The first thing I remember is I heard him yell.”

“We couldn’t breathe — it’s like getting the wind knocked out of you, but it’s like your neck and your head and your brain.”

“I started to lose consciousness.”

“It could’ve been far worse than it was.”

“You know I don’t like needles.”

“Oh, sick, fuckin’ tight, hell yeah.”

“I will probably start crying. Worst case scenario, I might pass out.”

“I’m already having the worst time ever.”

“Wait, you have bruising from the IV?”

“The pain isn’t the worst ever.”

“This is some ultimate universe fuck shit.”

“A really fun thing to do after a car accident is get in a car.”

“All of a sudden, we’re driving through a police shootout.”

“Is this day done yet, fuck?”

PRANK CALLING IN SICK FROM JOBS I DON’T HAVE 2

“Although I’m not seeking validation, I am a human being, and I have feelings.”

“Just come to the desert, please.”

“I know it’s gonna be a really rough day tomorrow.”

“It was just too much, man.”

“I don’t feel good already.”

“I’m so sorry, I won’t see you tomorrow.”

“I hate myself already.”

“I forgot how guilty this makes me feel.”

“Apparently, you can’t drive your Porsche through a river.”

“What’s gonna happen?”

“I’m gonna go under anesthesia, I’m not gonna remember anything.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“I would just die laughing.”

“Hopefully, we’ll never do this again.”

“I literally was told that I was in seventh grade today.”

SHAVING MY EYEBROWS

“I think a lot of people think I was joking.”

“Is Jenna okay? Is she losing her mind?”

“Everyone thought I was going full Britney Spears.”

“Life’s too short not to have really exciting hair.”

“They grow back really fast.”

“Also, they’re mine, not yours.”

“Let’s just get into it.”

“Pray for me.”

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“How is it a bloodbath?”

“Ooh, did I cut myself?”

“You know, you’re really supportive and wonderful, have I ever told you that?”

“Julien, I love you so much, thank you for not judging me.”

“Don’t smile like that.”

“Don’t do that.”

“It’s not even that abnormal-looking.”

“I did not think I was gonna be this excited.”

“Here, let me do it.”

“I don’t know if I trust you to shave my face.”

“No, no, no, I don’t trust you.”

“It feels so good, though.”

“Alright, I think I’m done.”

“I think it looks sick.”

“Julien, you don’t like that?”

“I feel like I would be so fast if I went swimming right now.”

“I’m gonna rock your look.”

“Just come touch it.”

“I think it looks natural.”

“We don’t have anything important coming up, do we?”

“I think it’s kinda cute.”

“Like, yeah, it doesn’t look natural, but has anything about me ever looked natural?”

“Now I just look like a different type of asshole.”

“Don’t I look like that someone that wants to party right now?”

“Nope. Nope, nope, nope.”

“This is honestly the most fun I’ve had with makeup probably my entire life.”

“I mean, I don’t hate it. It’s a look.”

“I fuckin’ hate you.”

“This is not what I asked for.”

“That’s dope as fuck, oh my god.”

“Congrats on your freedom.”

“You know what? I’m so glad that I did this.”

“I’m living my best life.”

MY BOYFRIEND DOES MY NAILS

“She is an incredible Internet goddess.”

“She is the Internet I signed up for.”

“In this month alone, I have been nail-shamed so many times.”

“There are people like that in the world, they’re so obnoxious.”

“Get out of our house.”

“I’m sorry, is that an opinion?”

“Just trust the process, okay?”

“But it looks good…!”

“Oh my goodness, it’s stunning.”

“That looks like shit, you didn’t even try…!”

“I’m laughing at you. I’m laughing directly at you.”

“That’s literally not even my job.”

“Oh, that is my job.”

“Don’t knock this over. If this gets all over the floor, we’re never getting our security deposit back, ever.”

“You’re making a mess.”

“That doesn’t look good, dawg.”

“That’s exactly what I was doing.”

“It went from good to really bad.”

“I mean, that’s really not the worst.”

“That glitter really saves everything.”

“If you’re confident that it’s dry, put it in your mouth.”

“How the fuck did you guess that already?”

“It’s a lot harder than it looks.”

“Say ‘yes, ma’am’.”

“I love being called ma’am. I want to exclusively be called ma’am.”

HELLO YOUNG PEOPLE, IT’S HILLARY CLINTON AGAIN

“It’s me again, ya girl, Hill-Daddy.”

“I need you to get out there and vote.”

“I will be the dankest, dopest, bombest president the world has ever seen.”

“Our common thread doesn’t stop there.”

“In here, we’re exactly the same.”

“It’s just a relaxing thing I like to do in my free time.”

“I know where we are, do you think I give a fuck?”

“You just deleted the entire hard drive.”

“My favorite thing to do is faceswap with myself.”

“What the fuck is this?”

“I’m not even connected to the Internet.”

“Is that an ad? This is a DVD.”

“How did you even get in here?”

“It’s my turn…! It’s my turn!”