#jack should have mourned cas

[jackandclairearesiblings]

Claire found them sitting on the porch swing outside Jody's.

"I knew you'd be out here." She's soft, quiet, gentle.

They don't even look at her. Just continue staring out onto the neighborhood street.

"There's a club you know." Claire sits next to them on the porch swing. Close for comfort but not so close it's claustrophobic. "A dead dads club and you're not in it until you're in it."

They fidget uncomfortably. Their chin wobbles. They let out a small squeak. They start rubbing their eyes. Claire scoots next to them and places her arm around them, allowing them to rest their head and cry into her shoulder.

"I'm really sorry you had to join the club, Jack."

[adidegmez]

spn s13 spoilers

s13 ep1(lost and found)

if dean thinks cas is really dead then what did they do to his body? did they burn him, bury him or nothing? jack is just a baby right now. winchesters are maybe not superheroes but they are my heroes. dean is just telling the truth?! he is not okay. he lost everyone he cared except sam. sam is calmer than dean. jack is just a sweet little boy. sam is scared. castiel is jacks father(according to jack at least). thats nice. damian as in damian wayne? i dont think i know anyone else named damian. dean'S prayer… he even add crowley he loved him(sometimes). and Chuck he left and he just doesnt care. he left lucifer on earth. everything happened on this Show is because of him. and i still believe if they raise jack right he will be good. no one is born evil. even if lucifer was a bad guy he was an angel he was the angel. jack is half angel and this is not a bad thing. dean said goodbye to everyone cas, kelly, mom and crowley. and crowley i just cant he said his name with the other people he cared about people he respected and its sad that crowley didnt get to see this. Dean accepted the deaths of all of them. How can he do this? They can still return, why not? and mary did return she is not dead.

s13 ep2(the rising son)

im sos sorry dean but sam is right. He is right on every part of this issue. Jack is not bad, your mother is alive, the only way to save her is with Jack's help. i knew jack was watching scooby i thought dean would let him watch. but i think he needs a little time to know jack. sam is nerveous when talking to jack because he never had an experience with kids like dean had. dean would calm jack down he wouldve known what to do but he is mourning the people he lost and he is angry. and that prevents him see the way that sam sees. sam did a good job with jack. i expected dean to say he is batman but i guess its not the time. lucifer is funny sometimes. good job jack. i think dean will understand jack, eventually. i hope that time comes soon.

s13 ep3(patience)

kelly was a great mother. i get deans point of view but he needs to calm down. it's been a long time missouri. she died! jack really cares about deans opinions just like his dad(cas). dean will get over this and he will be nicw to jack eventually, i just hope it wont be late. yes, sam is the best person to understand jack. this is brilliant. i really love how he treats jack. i love sam. i know dean is in pain but sam is right this is resembles to sam's situation. sam deserved to be saved so does jack. and jack didnt do anything wrong yet he has been on earth like a week. and cas mary it wasnt his fault. dean lost them and he is blaming jack. but its lucifers fault. and jack doesnt deserves a this treatment from dean. dean should help sam save jack. i have always been on the same page as dean always but not this time. i hope dean changes his mind soon. because i need both winchesters in the same page. cas! im glad he is back but if he could return does this mean crowley could return too. and i think i finally understand something. Charlie and now rowena are dead and they wont return cause the story doesnt need them anymore. but i need them to return. i always see spoilers but ive never heard rowenas death. and ive never seen anything about charlie's return. but i want them to return. I didn't even like Rowena that much in the beginning but lately I've started to like her. Charlie is a completely different matter, i always loved her, I need her to come back.

s13 ep4(the big empty)

clone wars!!!!!!! i didnt see that coming. clone wars is my favorite star wars Show. i love ahsoka too but anakin is not bad sam. well he turned to vader but he was a good master palpatine manipulated. i hope jack loves clones. they are my favorite thing about star wars. clones are amazing. dean cas sam and crowley closed the door. crowley sacrificed himself. i think i love jack. cas where are you? why does lucifer need mary? Dean needs to pull himself together as soon as possible, he scares Jack, he even upsets Sam. misha is amazing. finally dean complimented jack. i needed that. finally dean is thinking like sam. thank you dean. cas is back.

s13 ep5(advanced thanatology)

yes, something is wrong with sam. dean wears sunglasses indoors. Do the w's represent how many times the winchesters died? did billie become death? she is death thats not good. I wish Dean hadn't killed death. I loved him. thats a good thing afterall. billie let dean live. Dean lost his faith. But when Cas comes, he will be happy. hi cas. welcome back. look in their eyes. team free will together again.

s13 ep6(tombstone)

cas is back. everyone is happy. i missed you cas. and the hugs. jack did it jack brought him back. team free will 2.0 . dean is back. he really missed cas. his eyes are shining. i missed funny dean. Seeing Dean happy makes me happy. cas… all i can think about is his character development. he is an amazing character. he changed so much. his talk with jack was beautiful. hats, dean is really back. dean finally said it, jack is not a monster. i wish he didnt leave. i hope hell come back.

s13 ep7(war of the worlds)

what happened to mary? So will Michael be the villain of this season? i knew it was kevin. hi kevin! i missed you. i think i would prefer lucifer to that Michael. lucifer is so funny. lucifer is back, Mary stayed in the other World. i thought ketch was a clone. I don't remember seeing anything about clones in this series, but for some reason the first thing that comes to my mind is always clones. But it turned out to be an evil twin. i believe that story hes telling the truth. rowena isnt dead right? cas and lucifer, lucifer is so funny. and he is trying to save the World for himself probably. i believed ketch. asmodeus and ketch, they will trouble the Winchesters. If Dean had said yes to Ketch, would Ketch have worked with them instead of Asmodeus?

s13 ep8(the scorpion and the frog)

supernatural really did everything. now there is a heist episode. and it was funny. yes, i missed hopeful dean. it was nice to see that. Didn't Bart say there were copies of the spell? Couldn't they find them? The bus scene reminded me of the scene where they left Charlie on the bus. i missed Charlie.

s13 ep9(the bad place)

i think jack wants to bring mary back not lucifer. Jack gets very happy when he gets a "good job" from Dean. And that makes me happy too. Jack also joined the family. I love him. dean! why did you treat her like that? well at least jack found mary and the winchesters are together. but idk where kaia is.

s13 ep10(wayward sisters)

claire is getting better at hunting. they are on a hunting trip… they said it again. i like it. i love donna and the others, we should see them more. i love jody. Claire's speech was like the beginning of a new series. I researched but they haven't made a mini series, I hope they tell this story here. i love the girls they are amazing.

s13 ep11(breakdown)

the real fbi is here. The beginnings of the episodes always resemble Criminal Minds. but almost the entire episode was really like cm. garcia would find her quickly. i liked doug. i hoped he would become a hunter. doug and donna were good. come on, first dean now sam they lost hope but it was always like this and they believed this job. but now they are in a dark place. i need hopeful winchesters back.

s13 ep12(various & sundry villans)

lucifer is hilarious. omg not the love spell. not dean please. yes sam save dean. hello boys(crowley said it the best). hi rowena. welcome back. how are you alive? they all forgot about adam. cas loves his son. i love how he talks about jack. Rowena asked about Crowley because she wondered if he might pose a risk to her, right? I wish there were nice mother and son scenes. I don't even think Rowena would be upset about Crowley's death, but I wish she would be. she is sad?! rowena is right. when is lucifer ever gone. he always comes back. cas and lucifer made a good team. that was a little brutal. Rowena took the page, didn't she? i thought sam would give her but i didnt think would do it. but he did. lucifer is not dead. We forget the traumas of the Winchesters very quickly, they are not even mentioned. They always show themselves strong, they don't show what's inside them. Dean spent 40 years in hell, Sam was tortured by Lucifer, Dean had to survive in purgatory… I hope Rowena doesn't cause trouble for the boys.

s13 ep13(devil's bargain)

i thought lucifer would let cupid live but he killed him and i suppose he did it just for fun. i forgot about ketch. How did Lucifer not die? i missed kevin. sister jo(daneel ive been waiting for this, i thought we would saw her earlier on the show). Doesn't the prophet know the difference between Cas and Asmodeus? ketch is right. lucifer cant do the things he promised, right? gabriel!!! well, i hope winchesters can save him.

s13 ep14(good intentions)

Dean you are amazing Cas you are amazing too. Mary is not Mary. They're still messing with Jack's head, right? hi bobby! sometimes jack's smiles are sweet but sometimes he scared me he smiles like lucifer sometimes, other than that he is just a sweet boy. and i love him. i love this bobby too but i want old bobby. mary made the deal she brought so much pain to her boys but we saw what the world would be like if she hadn't made that deal, and I think Mary did the right thing. If that deal hadn't happened, we would never have met the boys. cas! i dont like where this is going. i hope cas wont go far. Dean and Sam are Jack's role models, I think he chose very good role models. Whatever it takes… both Dean and Cas go too far. They need to calm down and think a bit. I hope nothing bad happens to them. I'm sorry about Donatello, I didn't like him as much as Kevin, but he was still a good guy. He didn't deserve what happened to him (like all the good characters in the series)

s13 ep15(a most holy man)

While Dean was saying enjoy, he was thinking things like this will be the last time you drive and he was imagining how he would kill that man. yes i totally believe dean would kill for the baby. I heard that that scene was improvised and it's really a perfect scene. I never thought that the blood would come from that man. I thought it would be from someone we knew before or someone very important.

s13 ep16(scoobynatural)

do you know how long i've been waiting for this. I've seen a lot of clips about this episode and I was very curious about it. When I started this season, I was thinking that they were opening a portal to the Scooby universe with Jack. I even thought that they would travel to different universes throughout the season thanks to Jack's portals. just for fun. But when it comes to SPN, sometimes this is only possible for a few episodes. There is a villain in every season and the world is in danger, so team Free Will has to save the World all over again. But did the trickster really die and come back, or was he never dead? i really love when dean is being a fanboy. he genuinely loves them and he shows that he loves them. and i love him for this. i love deans love for scooby-doo. this is one of my favorite episodes now. it was awesome. i love dean. i love sam and cas too but dean has a special place in my heart.

s13 ep17(the thing)

poor gabriel, I hope he can get out of there. Ketch is saving Gabriel right now, even if it's for himself. where is cas? why aent they waiting for him? ketch did some bad things, idk how to feel about him. gabriel is okay for nw with sam. dean really has a death wish. he doesnt care if he dies he only care about the others. yeah this is a nice thing but he would die to protect them and i dont want him to die.

s13 ep18(bring 'em back alive)

Charlie! Until two days ago, I didn't see anything about whether we would see Charlie in this series again but then I learned that we will see the apocalyptic world version of her. I knew she would come but I didn't expect that we would see her now. i missed her. She shouldn't have died. why didnt they wait for cas? i think ketch really cared about mary. gabriel is back! and he left. Asmodeus is dead, right? i hope he wont come back. ketch is complicated. Charlie is acting like our Charlie. i couldnt believe charlie's death and i still cant. she shouldn't have died.

s13 ep19(funeralia)

rowena what are you doing? i thought maybe rowena was trying to get crowley back but then i said she wouldnt do that. is she really trying to get fergus back? if thatsthe truth please let her try. i want crowley back. rowena is kinda right only team free will gets to come back from the dead. naomi is alive. I hope Sam doesn't have to kill Rowena. I started to love Rowena even more. I think there is such a thing as the Winchester Effect. They changed an angel, the king of hell, the most powerful witch and many more people and turned them into better people, and it is great to watch the character development of those characters. They changed Rowena as well as Crowley. I think Rowena loved Crowley. I wish she had the chance to tell Crowley that, or at least show it.

s13 ep20(unfinished business)

Fenrir from Norse mythology, right? I realized the last part was similar to Steve and Tony's argument (Marvel). we'll löse, we'll do that together too… they lost, steve wasn't there. i hope sam could be there when it comes to that. I can't be sure about deaths when it comes to tricksters. I even wondered if Loki replaced Gabriel at the end, but they wouldn't do such a thing because the story would be extended unnecessarily and there is no need for such a thing. i missed our kevin, he wouldnt do that. poor jack. mary sees her as a son:)

s13 ep21(beat the devil)

rowena and gabriel? little awkward but funny. In the beginning ep was hilarious but then it all went dark. rowena didn't run, this time she stayed. she has changed(the winchester effect). lucifer's bar scene was awesome. Sam died and came back, thanks to Lucifer. I'm glad he is back but lucifer brought him. they found jack and mary. dean watched his brother die, again. and the look on his face is telling everything. im glad the brothers are back together.

s13 ep22(exodus)

no, mary. i know you want to help the other World but your boys came for you. you shouldnt do that to them. lucifer is not entirely wrong. yes he does so many bad things but sometimes he does good things. like most of the villains on spn he is complicated. I've seen the scene where Cas and Lucifer drive the bus on the internet before, but I didn't think it was real. I thought it was someone's dream or something. i know lucifer is bad but he tried to do the right thing. he fought Michael, and now he is doing bad things because sam wouldnt let him come with them. sam has hs reasons but now lucifer is going to help Michael nd i think he is not happy about it because h will have brought Michael to the other world, just as his relationship with Jack was getting better. and he knows this will upset his son. Gabriel isn't really dead, right? Otherwise they woudn't have zoomed in on his face. its always good to see bobby but i wish we couldve seen our bobby with the boys and our Charlie.

s13 ep23(let the good times roll)

I would like to see charlie and rowena together. Dean's dream is very beautiful, but with their luck, it is impossible. I wish it could happen, no one deserved retirement more than them. but i dont think they would get a happy ending. This is how I wanted Dean to treat Jack from the beginning. Dean's speech was beautiful. soft dean is my favorite, he is kind and sweet when he needs to be. I love him. I was going to believe in Lucifer because he wanted his son and was doing good things just for him, but in the end he ruined everything again. Dean, you tried so hard to keep Michael from getting to you. I wanna cry. michael has dean, i hope dean can beat him. Is Lucifer really gone? dean… i want to kill Michael. i hope dean will be the one to kill him. The suit and hat suit Dean very well. Just when good things are happening, everything turns bad, and every season, boys cannot find comfort. Can't the kids relax for just one season? There won't be a big bad guy for the end of the season, maybe if they want they can hunt like in the first season or just have a good time together in the

bunker. only 1 season. I wish… but it's impossible. i just want to see them happy.

[queermania]

Hi what are your thoughts on Lebanon? (the episode not the town hehe)

the first time i watched it i loathed it. now that i've had time to sit with it, i've really come around. i think it has a couple flaws, one of them fatal, but i still like it.

it's first flaw is that it's too ambitious. there's not enough time for what it's trying to do. the town as a character is a really neat concept and one they could've gotten a whole episode out of (and they should've). and the concept of john coming back for a day is also a really neat concept, and again, something that needed at least an entire episode to breathe. smooshing those two together makes it all feel underdeveloped and rushed.

the second flaw, and the one that is fatal in my opinion, is the john and mary of it all. i know a lot of people are bothered by sam and dean forgiving john and having nice family moments with him but i'm not. those were moments that they earned, not because john deserved them, but because the boys did. sam didn't need to have another shouting match with john. he'd already come to understand why john did the things he did. he'd already forgiven him. hell, he'd already forgiven him to his face even if john didn't know that was happening (in 5x13). this just let sam have closure.

the same is true of dean. dean didn't need to yell at john and tell him all of the ways he fucked up. i mean, the fact that john ruined their lives is already pretty clear. dean is in his forties and is living in a bunker and still hunting. but dean got to look his dad in the eyes and say, "this is my life because i chose it and it may not look the way you think it should but it's mine. i don't need your approval." he got to choose the family he built for himself over his dad and that's so so special to me.

none of that was about forgiving john, or even forgetting everything he did. it was about closure.

the only one who let john off the hook was mary. john gave her children the exact life she didn't want them to have and he did it in her memory. he turned her into nothing more than an effigy to mourn. she's been told, to her face, that what john did to her children was child abuse..... and she has no thoughts about it? i didn't need to see sam and dean yell at john and spew every hateful thing they ever felt because i already knew how they were feeling. i'd watched over fourteen seasons of it. but mary's surely complicated feelings about john are never addressed at any point in the show and that's fine up until the moment they bring john back to stand in front of her, face-to-face. i know there wasn't enough time in the episode to get into it but that's a problem. you cannot load the chekhov's gun of john and mary being forced together for breeding purposes + have mary learn of every horrible thing john ever did to the children she didn't want to be hunters, all in her name, and then not pull the trigger. you just can't. and it never gets addressed before or after this episode either. it's just a glaring neon sign. and it makes the whole thing feel like john apologia.

all that being said, i do love the idea of the town as a character and what it reveals about sam and dean. i loved seeing sam and dean have those moments of closure with their father. i loved seeing a glimpse into an alternate timeline. i loved the utilization of cas and zachariah. i loved that in the end dean chose cas and jack over his father. there was a lot of good in the episode.

[deancaspinefest]

My Turning Page  |  Mature |  29,646

Author: jeanpilgrim Artist: alexiescherryslurpy

Maybe dragging Sam and Dean’s otherworldly lookalikes into their world wasn’t the best idea Dean’s ever had. But it’s not like they’re gonna stay long. They’re just gonna help them out and then move their asses somewhere Dean doesn’t have to deal with the way the other Dean keeps glancing at Cas. 

Right? 

Wrong. They are here to stay, and it’s annoying the hell out of Dean. Nevermind that he’s busy trying to defeat Chuck and simultaneously ignoring the feeling in his chest that bubbles up whenever he sees Cas and asks himself why he shot him down when Dean confessed his feelings to him.

-

Chuck is gone and the world is saved. The Grady Twins have left the building, too, and all should be well.Except, it isn’t: Cas is dead and it’s Dean’s fault. It must be.

Dean sees little hope for himself, but the least he can do now is try and be the man Cas thought him to be. A brave man, who never stops fighting for the people he loves, one that cares about his brother and Jack.

When Jack returns, Dean finds one of Cas’ few sentimental possessions, and with it, his determination to get him back. If only he could find someone to take his place and help him hide his plans from Sam and Jack…

Link to fic  |  Link to art

Pairings: Dean/Cas

Warnings: Canon-Typical Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Canon Temporary Character Death, Mentions and Descriptions of Alcohol Abuse, Grief/Mourning

Tags: Canon Divergence, Episode 15x13, Post Episode 15x18

[youchangedmedestiel]

I haven't got the time to work on my fics lately, especially last week. I was busy and my brain couldn't focus on that. So I didn't even write a single word. And I miss it. Fortunately, next week will be calmer so I'll be able to.

In the meantime, if you didn't get the chance to read those, here are the last 6 fanfics I wrote (every fics are based on canon with little changes obviously), each link is on the titles:

SMUT

Thanked as deserved: Post 15x19

Castiel stays at the bunker, while Sam and Eileen go to hunt what happens to be a new kind of wraith. And Dean goes to work on his own werewolf case alone, he needs time to think now that Cas is back from the Empty. When he comes back from the hunt, he has a small cut on his cheek and his muscles are sore, Castiel offers to take care of the last one and thanks him for saving people, saving the world, like he deserves it. He doesn’t just massage his back.

Inspiring Fanfiction: Post 10x05, I updated this one with a 2nd smutty chapter

Dean discovers fanfics about Destiel, thanks to Marie, the high school girl that directed the show about their lives. She sent him some fic links to read, when she saw his reaction about Destiel. That’s how Dean ends up reading the one fiction that disturbs him in a way he couldn’t have imagine. And then I have to face Cas at some point.

NO SMUT

A gift to listen and keep: If you're still in a Christmas mood. Post 12x14, famous mixtape mentioned.

The brothers are back on good terms with their mother after the Alpha vampire was killed by Sam at the British Men of Letters' headquarters. Dean forgave her for working with them. He got scared of losing her again. Plus he - they - almost lost Cas not so long ago. So he decided that those reasons, and his mother being back from the dead should be good enough to celebrate Christmas this year.

Need for comfort: 14x08

Jack just died. Sam leaves the kitchen first after their drinking session to mourn Jack together as a family, leaving Dean and Cas alone. They drink a little bit more, just the two of them. Then Cas decides to leave the kitchen, but Dean calls him once he is in the hallway. The angel turns around and comes back to Dean.

There is nothing stupid about you and me: 10x09

Dean and Cas are on their burger date while Sam searches on how to find Claire. They talk about the Mark, but their conversation doesn’t just stop there like on the show. Instead, Dean tells Cas about the high school kids’ show about their lives, based on Chuck’s books, Sam and he attended to. He even mentions Marie and her view on Cas and Dean’s relationship, allowing him to know how Cas feels about it.

Healing guilt: Post 11x03

Dean refuses to be healed by Cas, after Cas beat him when he was under Rowena’s dog spell, because he feels guilty about almost killing Cas when he had the Mark of Cain. But Cas thinks about a plan to heal him anyway without Dean knowing.

[wormstacheangel]

happy nov 5th. im still in shock and traumatized.

People returned from Chuck’s Thanos snap and the world went on not knowing about the sacrifice that was made to keep it from turning into nothing.  Months passed by in a blur and his life continued on. He wanted a chance at normal and he worked hard to try to capture just that. Not for himself though but in the name of the lost future that always involved sand, sun, and his little family that could. 

Normal didn’t involve any of that. 

His family was scattered. Lost. Still a little bit angry but still trying with a text here and there. 

The sand was mostly dirt and pebbles from the lake’s shore and the sun seemed to always stay hidden behind the large trees but it also made him feel safe. Who knew being a bubble boy is who he was gonna grow up to be? Safe in his own little space in this sad piece of rock.

Not alone though. Dean was never alone. 

“Okay,” Jack walked out with his raincoat on and a bright sunny smile on his face to contradict the setting sun. “I’m ready.”

Dean got up from his rocking chair, groaning as he did so cause he is now feeling all those times he was thrown through a window, and motioned for Jack to lead the way toward the ugly teal-colored truck. Nice to see the rain at least giving it a wash considering Dean has been asking Jack for a week now to do that. For a second he wondered if it was Jack’s doing, the rain appearing the week of the anniversary of the worst day of his life. 

But he stops himself from asking. Wondering what Cas would say and knowing damn well that Cas would say some shit about this day also being hard on Jack. 

“You’re not the only one who lost someone that day, Dean. Jack also lost a father. He needs you just as much as you need blah blah blah.” Imaginary Cas rambles on but Dean knows he’s right. 

Dean jumps into the passenger seat, shaking off the excess rain from his hair and watching as Jack buckles up for the drive. Scrunching his face in concentration as he turns on the truck and the windshield wipers clear the view of the road for just a few seconds before it blurred back up with the rain. 

The rain echoed inside the cab of the truck, loudly banging against the metal before Jack plays the same cassette tape—one that never leaves this truck under Jack’s driver rule—and Ramble On slowly filled the empty space. 

Dean doesn’t flinch anymore. He looks ahead and wonders how many times Cas listened to this damn thing. Wonders how many times Jack will listen to it. Wonders if these songs will ever stop haunting him with memories that can never be possible. 

“I’m thinking we can buy the flowers first.” Jack sounded unsure but smiled at the road. 

They’re going into town now, Jack’s new power came in handy in making them all forget ever meeting them the first time, wanting to celebrate and not just mourn the loss of someone they both loved so much and felt overwhelmingly guilty about. So they’re having a funeral. Emphasis on the fun.

“Yeah. We can do that.” Dean had a list in his pocket but he knew most of that Eileen or Jody can take care of. He can handle the food and decorations. They both can. “What kind are you thinking about?”

Tangerine was playing now. 

“I don’t know yet but I’m sure as soon as I see it I will know which one is right for Cas.” The kid was confident and Dean didn’t doubt him for a second.

“I’m sure you will.” Dean sent him a smile, before watching the tree line thin out around them. He wondered if they were cutting trees down the closer they got into town. “We should get some donuts while we’re there right?”

“Of course.” Dean chuckled at Jack’s serious response. Eyebrows knitted and stiff nod just like his Father. “With sprinkles.”

“I’m gonna make all of them sprinkles. I don’t need you and Kaia fighting over the only sprinkle donut again.”

“You ate it!”

“Yeah, well, only cause I got tired of you two bickering like a couple of-oof!” The seatbelt tightened around his middle and Dean placed a hand out to grab at Jack while the other gripped at the dashboard to stop his head from slamming into it. 

The sound of the screeching wheels rang in his ears before nothing but heavy breaths and the sound of The Rain Song playing low in the speakers were left. Everything else was quiet. Before Dean could ask what the fuck just happened, the world went still again. 

Dean looked out into the dark road, the windshield wipers clearing it from the rain just enough for him to notice someone was standing there. Just far away enough that the headlights don’t shine on them but even drenched, Dean can recognize him. 

Jack and Dean watched as the figure limped a little closer and a familiar tired little smile shined brighter than anything in the last year. 

Dean’s chest tightened up, his muscles freezing as he watched Jack push open his door and run out into the rain without a second of hesitation. He was jealous that jack can just do while Dean cowards inside. Watching the reunion through the fogged-up glass. 

But how can this be real? How can he be back?

“Do you really care?” Dean asked himself and no. Not at this moment. At this very fucking moment he did not give a single damn about the hows and whys. They’ll figure that shit out later. Right now…

“Cas?” Dean unbuckled himself with shaky hands. “Cas.” He pushed the door open harder than he should have as he jumped out of the truck. His feet dragged on the pavement as he made his way to the front of the car. 

What if it’s a dream? What if Dean reaches to touch him and he poofs out like a ghost?

But none of that mattered. Right now…

“Dean.” 

Right now all that mattered was he was back.

“Cas!” Dean didn’t stop to hesitate or think. Instead, he went in for the hug, wrapping his arms tight around the familiar body. Holding him close as a promise to never let him go again. This is where he belongs. This is where he should be. This was the normal he has been chasing all these months. It was with him. A normal life with him. Hiding his face in Cas’s shoulder, he whispered, “I missed you. I missed you like fucking crazy, Cas.”

Dean felt the arms wrap around him in return. It was just as strong. “I missed you too, Dean. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long.”

Dean pulled away just enough to look at him. Examine to make sure he was alright. “Yeah. Too damn long. Stop doing that shit.”

Cas nods. A smile warming up his face through the rain or tears. “I will.”

Dean felt his lungs finally breathe as tears start to fall. He gently held Cas’s face between his hands, those curious baby blues watching his every move, before muttering a, “Fuck it.” and leaning in to finally kiss the man he has fallen in love with over and over again. 

And nothing in the world has ever felt so right.

When he finally pulls back he watches as Cas's eyes flutter open, eyelashes covered in rain, and hair laid flat to his forehead, looking like a dear in the headlights. Move with caution written all over him.

Dean smiled back to reassure him, leaning in to give his lips a soft peck before whispering, “Let’s go home.”

Cas smiles back, relaxing under the touch before nodding. “I would like that.”

Jack honks the horn of the truck, loud enough to make them jump, before yelling at them to get in. 

“Come on! We need to call everyone and cancel the funeral!” Jack told them, handing Cas his phone. “You gotta call Claire. Now! She was mad when we waited too long to tell her you were dead again.”

[what-if-i-just-did]

Destiel Prompt List 26. Cas punches John Winchester.

Trigger Warnings: homophobic father, bad parenting, homophobic language, mentions of a lot of dead friends/family, slight mentions of alchohol, daddy issues, mentions of suicide but in a not-depressed way, not sure how to put this one but there's like phobic talk about suicidees, derogatory mentions of sex, mentions of past toxic masculinity, mild violence in the form of a single punch, severe homophobia

Guardian Angel

Dean walked into the bar, overwhelmed by... everything.

It was Harvelle's, like before it burned down, and there were so many people there... Ash, Jo and Ellen for one, but also Kevin, Kevin's mom, Charlie, Mary, Bobby, Jody, Claire, Bela, Missouri, Jimmy... somehow he could even spot Benny and Meg. It was overwhelming; all these people he'd mourned, all these people he'd missed, all these people he'd blamed himself for... at least he had Sam and Cas next to him, as always. He missed Jack.

He smiled. He talked to people, he laughed, he cried a little. It was weird seeing who'd become friends with who without them there; Jody and Ellen were best friends, unsuprisingly. Charlie and Bela? A little more suprising. He greeted Benny like an old war friend, Bobby like a father, Jo like a girl he never got time with. All the while, Sam was next to him, greeting the same people, and Cas was next to him, silent unless provoked. Eventually, they made their way to the end of the bar, and Dean's breath halted. His dad was sitting there, staring at his whiskey.

"Hi." He says, unsure. Sam's still talking to Jody. Cas is still hovering. "Sit down.", says John, and Dean's not sure if it's an invitation or an order, so he does so silently. He knows he should talk; knows he can talk. He's not his dad's soldier anymore. He's been working on this.

.... but he's here and he's with Cas and his dad would kill him and he's so goddamn nervous because even after all the work of accepting himself now that his dad was dead, his dad is right here and if he dissaproves like Dean knows he will Dean will just die.

"So." John says eventually. "So." Dean agrees. "Go out with a fight?" His dad asks. "Nope. Our work was done down there, we've got things set up for the next generation of hunters. We just figured, why wait around? Everyone we missed are up here." His dad physically recoiles. "You killed yourself!? My son? BOTH my sons!? Suicide is for pussies, Dean, how many times have I told you!" Dean closes his eyes and grits his teeth. He's about to answer when Cas does it for him.

"Dean did not just 'kill himself'. They both thought about it for a long time, had plentifull discussions and okay'd it with everyone around. It was an important, unrushed decision that was well thought about, and everything was in order before we left. Do you believe I would have let Dean do such a thing if it wasn't a perfectly respecatable thing to do?" "Ah. So you're the guardian angel... you did a pretty piss-poor job, y'know-" "Dad. Don't talk to Cas like that." "Cas? Cas? His name, Dean, is Castiel. Oh, right you- you bang him or something? He bangs you? This- this destiel? It's all everyone talks about here, y'know, how my son is a fag for an angel. Is that true, Dean? You bend over for this guy?" Dean grits his teeth. "Yeah, Dad. I do. Cause I love him, and if you're too much of a homophobic prick to see that, then go screw yourself. Actually- leave. Just leave."

John crowds Dean. Dean tries not to feel small- it works. Kinda. "You pickin' him-" John hisses, venom in his voice, "- over me? Your father?" "You. Were. Never. My. Father. You were my drill sargeant. Bobby, was my father. Now fucking leave, before I punch you. Or, y'know, before I let Cas punch you. Since I don't have any issues with my boyfriend protecting me like I'm some princess, because I'm not insecure about that shit 'nymore. Now, LEAVE."

"YOU-" John's sentence, boiling with rage, was cut off when Cas actually punched him, which knocked him out. "Sorry. It seemed appropriate.", Cas says sheepishly. Dean stares a second.

"Gah I love you." he falls into Cas's arms. It takes a while for him to speak again. "Did I actually say all of that?" "Yes Dean." "I can't believe I said all of that. I actually called myself a princess." Cas chuckles at that. "Yes, I know." "Shit. Everyone is staring, aren't they." "Yes, I believe they are." "Okay. Um. I'm gonna stay here." "Alright Dean."

[cpopnatural]

15x19 Notes

-literally everyone’s dead???

-handprint still on his stupid baka handprint shoulder

-JACK KNOWS ABOUT THE DEAL HE KNOWS WHY HIS FATHER DIED HE HAS TO LIVE WITH THIS NOW

-like the set design and background this episode are crazy good. Great environmental storytelling

-whooshing sound but it’s not angel wings it’s a nephilim boy mourning his father

-written by Buckleming…

-YOU GOTTA BRING BACK EVERYTHING INCLUDING CAS

-MIRACLE THE DOG

-LMAO

-that’s actually so camp of Jack

-MICHAEL

-lol God snapped Michael’s boyfriend too. Rip

-that’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spot light. Losing my religion

-NOOOOOOO

-HE RUNS ON HIS OLD MAN KNEES

-Betty is kinda iconic it’s a shame we only got 2 episodes left

-we can still wring enough camp outta this show to have Lucifer call Michael a cuck

-let’s go Michael!!!

-it’s just a spell to kill God lol

-Michael lmaoooooo

-they’re taking on God one at a time fistfighting them

-what are we doing

-how did he even do that. What

-deus ex Jack. Jack ex machina

-GOD POWER

-what the fuck

-I’ve seen shonen anime with more plausible worldbuilding

-SEE THAT’S NOT WHO I AM

-yo this is like the end of Steven Universe

-the way they dramatic walk away is so funny

-Rob Benedict going for the Emmy LMAO it does make this scene seem more gratifying

-Cas should be here

-JACK BROUGHT BACK THE DOG DEAN BARELY KNEW BUT NOT CAS

-“I’m not coming back home” wahhhh

-Castiel…

-THE FADE OUT HAHAHA

-Running on Empty? That’s what the show’s doing

-don’t show me the fucking names in the table you asses

-they couldn’t bring Cas back but they could add a clipshow??? With a only a couple shots of Cas?????????

-someone had it out for Misha Collins

Honestly. Not that great but I’ll give it a 6 because I know the finale will be worse

[ao3feed-destiel-02]

heaven is not fit to house a love like you and i

heaven is not fit to house a love like you and i https://ift.tt/76vu203 by 13zepptraxx Dean takes a deep breath. That’s... not great news, to say the least. It’s bad, probably as bad as it’s ever been. “Okay, well, that’s a problem. Can you get me back to earth?” “No,” Naomi replies, and Dean’s heart sinks. “But I can get you somewhere that Sam can get you out of.” Dean tilts his head, urging Naomi on. “I can throw you into the empty.” This is bad, as bad it’s ever been. But Cas is in the empty– Dean can work with this. That was his plan, right from the start. Get Cas back. Everything else should fall into place after that, he thinks. After all, he’s the only thing Chuck can’t control. Maybe they’ll have a chance this time. Maybe Dean will have a chance this time. And if Dean’s in the empty, the shadow will be pissed. Maybe it’ll throw both Dean and Cas out for good measure, and there will be one less thing for Dean to worry about. “The empty?” Charlie gasps from beside Dean. “Dean, no–” “Do it.” Words: 3248, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Categories: M/M Characters: Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Sam Winchester, Jack Kline, Amara (Supernatural), God | Chuck Shurley, John Winchester, Charlie Bradbury, Eileen Leahy, Naomi (Supernatural), The Empty | The Shadow (Supernatural), Claire Novak, Bobby Singer (Supernatural), Mary Winchester, Impala (Supernatural) Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Jack Kline, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & John Winchester, Jack Kline & Dean Winchester Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On (Supernatural), Post-Season/Series Finale, Alternate Ending, Post-Canon Fix-It, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Season/Series 15, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Soul Bond, gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day, Temporary Character Death, Escape, Heaven & Hell, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Grief/Mourning, Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, working a case, but the case is heaven, dean winchester is a genius, The Impala (Supernatural), the heaven impala only plays carry on wayward son and stairway to heaven, Canon Compliant, just until the episode ends then i do what i want, Song: Francesca (Hozier) via AO3 works tagged 'Castiel/Dean Winchester' https://ift.tt/2cHNrsR October 08, 2023 at 11:53PM

[masakia]

Hey sorry I saw ur babyfic tag and I just wanted to ask what u thought the situation w Emma (Dean’s Amazon daughter that Sam kills) would be like in context of the babyfic

Is it like holy shit Uncle Sam killed my sister?! Does Emma not die?? Is Dean suddenly 100% less chill about the whole thing because that’s his other daughter?? Is he haunted by his living child, the ghost of what his other little girl could have been?

I’m sorry I’m very normal about this I look forward to hearing more about the story (The little girl is 2?? Which is around the time Dean last bothered his brother in the ep01?? Was the last time he “bothered” Sam his attempt to tell him that he was an uncle??)

Oh I was not expecting an ask about the babyfic this makes me really happy, thank you!

And I was actually thinking about Emma earlier and while her fate would sadly be the same, I do think Dean would get a lot more pissed at Sam about it and he would have tried to reason more with Emma about what the fuck was happening. Like I could see this situation driving them to put some distance between each other and while Dean knows that Sam wouldn’t hurt his not amazon daughter, he still really pissed off cause “monster” or not, that was still his kid! If given the opportunity Dean would totally have raised her alongside his other daughter and for sure he would be haunted by the thought of Emma, especially when his daughter gets older and starts to look similar to what Emma did when Sam killed her (I don’t think the actress really looks like Jensen but I like to pretend that she looks a lot like Dean, if that makes sense).

Also for the baby (she doesn’t have a name yet, but I’ve been leaning towards Mary even if it’s a bit cliche) she would still a bit young, around 8 if I made the math right, and her reactions depends a lot on if she was with Dean and Sam at the moment the whole Emma thing happened, I imagine that Dean leaves her with Bobby when possible (and in the future maybe Cas but he is dead right now, so not really an option) especially in cases where they are pretending they are fbi (but I do think that Dean makes a joke about “take your kid to work day” at least once when she has to tag along because they don’t have anyone to take care of her after Bobby’s death). But let’s say that she was with them, I think that she would be confused initially when Emma says that Dean’s is her father cause like “He is not you dad! He is my dad, you are old!” and while I want to say that she would warm up quickly to Emma, I think she wouldn’t trust her, especially after Emma tries to kill Dean, she is a little kid after all and kids usually see the world very black and white when it comes to bad and good, so in her head her dad is good an people who try to hurt him are bad.

This is getting really long but I have so many though please, this is all to say that I think in the moment she would see things as normal just her uncle killing the bad guy because her dad couldn’t, but when she grows up she realizes how truly fucked up it was and I like to think that she takes a moment to truly mourn the sister she could’ve had, because yes while in a way she has Claire and Jack as her kind of step siblings (by Dean and Cas being a couple or whatever they decided to call that thing between them), it’s not the same as having this sister who shares the same dad as you by blood. (Her biggest moment of rebellion is when Sam refuses to kill Jack cause he has the chance to not be a monster and she is like “Well, so did my sister but you still put a bullet in her!).

Also, I do think that when the little girl was born, around 2003 which according to google is one year after Sam goes to Stanford, Sam was just not picking up any calls that came from his brother, not wanting to hear how he should come back to the family and whatever, so I do think the last time Dean really tried to contact Sam and even thought about just showing up on his doorstep was maybe a month or two after the baby was born, after this his whole focus went to his daughter until John goes missing and he does shows up at Sam’s doorstep, forgetting to tell him “so you are a uncle now so please be careful to not wake the baby at the car”.

[loserchildhotpants]

I am LOVING!!!! Blind Overture!!!!!!

Yes yes gimme more Sam POV! Him seeing his brotherfather, witnessing his grief and misery!

Also, in general I love the POV of people witnessing Dean’s Cas grief. Like with Sam, he knows Dean&Cas so very well but with blond spots OF knowing them the way he did. Like you said, Dean is his parent! No matter what we think there are things we can’t be objective about with our parents! Also Cas is Sam’s best friend thru sheer attrition at this point, his co-worker, his Brother-in-Law, AND his Stepfather! No wonder they have the oddest dynamic especially since I’m not sure Sam really gets that last one, even if he know Dean is his parent, Cas-As-Mom/Dad’s-New-Boyfriend-then-Spouse is actually a hilarious way to look back at his and Sam’s whole relationship and I’m not sure Sam would EVER see it that way lol.

Or from Mary’s POV! she knows more then most what drives someone to make a deal to save her soul mate and the fall out after is something she is now forced to witness?? Yes. What happened to John after her death thru the lens of her son mourning his other half doing what she did? Delicious

or a slightly more distant but still close connection like Jody, knowingthat Dean is strong but vulnerable, and knowing thru the abstract he cares a lot for Cas, but WITNESSING the devastation of Cas’s death upon Dean? That’s something else. Or the fucked up feelings Claire has for Cas mixing and blinding and illuminating what is going on with Dean. She’s going to be so angry and hurt and fucked up about it! And she’s a Dean mirror so maybe her reaction is closer to what most assume Dean would be, and maybe she thinks Dean would be as well, so he expecting SOMETHING like anger (her’s and his usual cooping mechanism) and just seeing the black whole of grief he’s in is like… not to mention her experience with her mom being unable to let go of HER lost soul mate to the point she was essentially abandoned? And here’s Dean doing that to her!! again!!!

Or Garth! I love your Garth in “Used To Be Mine”, I assume he’s similarly gentle and compassionate here. He never meet Cas yet he knew enough for what he’s done for Dean to name his child after him! (Side note, it’s criminal Cas has not met little Cas. And side side note I just pictured Fucked-Up-About-Cas’s-Death-Dean holding little Cas so very gently, feeling so kinda way that isn’t crushing despair for the first time in a while but there’s still soooo many sad emotions of “Cas should have meet little Cas here”, “I (Dean) should have been a better Dad to Jack” and such). Like, is Garth being a werewolf a factor in how MUCH he’s able to understand Dean? Like a werewolf losing a mate could be a death sentence in many a canon, maybe in Supernatural as well, all he wants is to do is take this widowed pack member and surround him with pack and live to help ease this suffering, to fill the void even a little bit, but Dean’s not a wolf and he’d find it suffocating rather then fulfilling and it’s killing Garth to understand that

And basically strangers POV’s? Yes yes yes. Like say Jesse in this fic or a waitress at a local diner Dean returns to, etc. just someone that is witnessing BIBLICAL heart- no SOUL- break and feels moved by it to at least notice and bear witness to it, maybe even help, only to feel the weight despair of it start to crush even them a bit by proximity. Even if they themselves have known hurt and tragedy, this is… something terrible and unique

And John coming back and Dean in the state he’s in???? yuuusss. Like will he even notice Dean’s empty? Will he recognize that he normalized just letting the loss of your soulmate consume you to his son? Will he see it or will he think Dean weak for “giving up” instead of letting that loss drive you? Agony means revenge, it can drive you but you can still live to a certain point, still find physical companionship (see the result in Adam. Also, is Adam also on the way??? Full family reunion (don’t worry you don’t have to spoil haha)) not laying down and rotting. And that’s even if he ever recognizes its loss and heartbreak! John being John and seeing Dean the way he wants to see him, maybe he thinks, my son turned out to be a lazy drunk, he’s not even hunting these days, just laying about drinking and sulking. John never expected Dean to settle down respectably, hah not his oldest son, he’s not even carousing and chasing tail like he expected Dean would do for the rest of his life

Anyway! Love it! Keep it up! Can’t wait for the next one!

Firstly, thank you so much!!! I’m glad you’re enjoying it!!

As a person with a siblingparent myself, i actually love writing Sam’s POV lol we could never really understand each other bc im 5ft tall tho 😔

Yeah, Sam hasn’t had a chance to really grieve Cas properly as his friend because he’s basically been performing CPR on his brother since he ‘died.’ poor Sam hasn’t gotten a break here really 😅

I can’t comment on Claire, Mary, John, Adam, or Garth without spoiling stuff 👀 but im excited that *you’re* excited, and i think you’ll be very pleased w how many perspectives you’ll be reading :333

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2024 Day 325

Jack In the Box/Orphan 55

“Jack In the Box”

Plot Description: After the Winchesters mourn a fallen hunter, Jack tries to right his wrongs until a dearth of angels in Heaven forces him to use his powers

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: were I a wraith, I wouldn’t stand a chance against Bobby

Who are these people?! I thought all the apocalypse world people died, but I’m glad there are people here for Mary’s memorial

Yeah, Dean’s not a public griever…and that includes in front of Sam, Cas, and Bobby

Ketch mention. They remembered he exists

I would hate to be in Jack’s shoes rn. Between the actual guilt he is feeling over Mary and the Lucifer inside his head

Oh Deeeeean. Deeeeeeeeeeean 💔😭

Heaven is, unsurprisingly, still no fan of Castiel

I’m so suspicious of Dumah right now. Is she probably doing the right thing in the greater good sense, but is she doing….not great things in the meantime? Oh yeah. She’s an Old Testament type angel, having Jack turn a dude into a pillar of salt

He’s so impressionable, and Dumah wants him to make more angels. With no actual instructions

Oh no oh no oh no….that’s disturbing. I don’t want to watch a dude have worms emerge from his skin…oh he’s in the HOSPITAL hospital

Omg the box Dean built to contain him and Michael…I hate what this has come to. Dean wants to lie to Jack about a spell that will fix his souls to get him to agree to be contained til they have everything they need…but there is no spell

I don’t blame Dumah, but she should have known better than to threaten Mary and John’s souls to Castiel

It’s so hard for the Winchesters to hide their hurt, especially when Jack is so placid. Like, yes, he SAYS he regrets what he did but…….

This is so hard to watch. Jack is still so earnest, and the boys…they seem like they hate that it’s come to this but it’s the only thing that will work

Not to make light of this scared kid trapped in this box that can and will hold anything, crying out for the people who swore to protect him, but it is feeling a little like when I had to close my bedroom door with Meg on the outside so I could hang some lights in peace and she meowed incessantly from the other side of the door

The sheer amount of betrayal in this one episode

Oh!! Is he going to burn through the Ma’lak box?! Oh this backfired on the Winchesters BIG TIME. I was thinking earlier about how this season, the penultimate season, was feeling a little disjointed and even anticlimactic since Michael was vanquished, but having to go up against Jack who has been manipulated and betrayed so much. I’m excited for the season finale

“Orphan 55”

Plot Description: A luxury holiday on an alien planet beckons for the Doctor and friends. But their stay at Tranquility Spa becomes a fight for survival against terrifying monsters

The welcome is giving Fantasy Island and specifically the reboot

Already things are going wrong?!?! Both behind the scenes of the spa and with Ryan

Why is the spa under attack?!

They were not joking when they said terrifying monsters

Oh cool. They built the spa in a place where they REALLY shouldn’t have…even the atmosphere isn’t compatible. So of course the indigenous population doesn’t want them there

I was wondering why the episode was called that. It’s the name of the planet they’re on. It’s a planet that’s become too toxic for life but this species adapted

Awkwardly ace Doctor strikes again. She could not recognize that Ryan and that girl were…maybe flirting is the wrong word but getting to know each other because they’re both interested

Oh I don’t think Benni and this lady will be getting married, even though they came all this way for him

Touya would be disappointed to hear this from me, but if I felt abandoned by a parent, I don’t think my go to would be “go undercover and try to kill them while burning their work to the ground.” I would take less drastic routes, but the girl Ryan was chatting up should definitely have fun traumatizing her mom (the spa owner) back

Orphan 55 is Earth?! I don’t know how I didn’t see that coming

The old lady sacrificed herself for the group because she couldn’t run and made them use too much oxygen 😭😭

Can people stop sacrificing themselves for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?!

These are mutated humans…I mean, I guess I buy it, they sure are featherless bipeds

I wouldn’t blame ALL of this on Bella (the now former owner’s estranged daughter)

Oh shit! The owner didn’t die!! And she saved her daughter…kinda

This is a little bit of a heavy handed global warming lesson at the end

[wikiangela-fanfics]

I wish I could save you (I wish I could tell you)

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Words: 4.7k

Description: Dean mourns Cas, and regrets not telling him how he feels. So, as soon as they get him back, he decides to be more honest than he's ever been.

Ao3

Haven't written them for a year and missed it too much haha might be ooc and parts are forced but idc, I like it hah

***

Dean’s sitting at the table in the bunker library, a half-empty bottle of whiskey and an unused glass next to him, and a knife in hand. He’s in the process of carving Castiel’s name into the table next to their initials, anger bubbling up under his skin, together with growing despair. He’s always so angry, and now he’s not sure where he should direct it. He’s mad at the Empty for taking Cas, at Cas for making stupid deals and not telling him about it, at Chuck for creating this whole mess… But that anger is almost overcome by the crushing feelings of hopelessness and defeat. They won, and yet he feels defeated. They might have saved the world, but the truth is, he lost his.

So, he sits there and drinks. He just wants to stop feeling this way, even just for a minute. He feels on the verge of either crying or punching something, which would preferably result in getting hurt too. He wants to do something. To try to feel something other than his heart breaking a little more every time he recalls his last moments with Cas. Every time he recalls being so stunned and shocked he actually couldn’t tell Cas-

“Hey, you okay?” he hears Sam’s tentative voice from the entrance.

“Peachy.” he grunts, taking a long sip of whiskey straight from the bottle.

“Do you- Do you wanna talk?” Sam cautiously approaches the table.

“Do I ever?” Dean finally looks at his brother with a raised eyebrow, but then immediately regrets it, seeing the concern on his face. Concern for Dean. He doesn’t want Sam to worry about him, he’s fine. Well, he’s not fine, but he can deal with it on his own, like always.

The world almost ended, again, and Sam is worried about Dean. Again. Why is it always him? Why can’t some other bastard suffer for once? What did he do to deserve this? No, seriously, he, Sam and Cas have saved the world so many times now. Why are they destined to suffer? Chuck isn’t even around anymore, and this shitshow continues. Dean genuinely doesn’t know what to do with his life now. He can’t imagine a future without Cas, he never thought he’d have to. Despite the fights and falling-outs, he honestly thought, or even expected, that they’d be together forever, as best friends or… or what he didn’t dare hope for, but as it happens, could’ve had if he wasn’t so stupid.

“Dean.” Sam’s voice gets through his thoughts, and he realizes Sam’s been talking for a while, and a single tear is falling down Dean’s face now. He angrily wipes it away, going back to carving. Sam sits down next to him with a heavy sigh. “I know-” he starts, but Dean cuts him off.

“You don’t.”

“I know it’s about Cas. Obviously.” Sam finishes anyway, and Dean’s hand stills at hearing the name, the tip of the knife hovering over the first line of the letter E. “You know, you can talk to me about him if you want. I know it’s not-” he pauses abruptly, clears his throat, and instead says: “Uh, I miss him too. Will you ever tell me about what actually happened to him?”

“What’s there to say?” Dean asks dryly, taking another sip. “I told you, he summoned the Empty and saved me.”

“Yeah, but-” Sam starts, but Dean interrupts, anger seeping into his voice:

“He made a fucking deal with the fucking Empty. To save Jack.”

“What do you mean?” Sam’s almost whispering, as if he thinks speaking up will spook Dean or something, and he won’t be willing to share anymore. He’s not about to talk about his feelings, though. He missed his chance on that. But he thinks that Sam deserves to know how Cas- how he- how it happened. Cas was Sam’s best friend, too, and they haven’t had the chance to talk about it yet.

“Jack’s life for his. Basically, he, uh, he’s truly happy or some shit, and the Empty comes to collect. More or less.” he tries to sound neutral, but his breath catches in his throat, and he takes another long sip from the bottle, then goes back to carving the name, but despite himself, his mouth keeps moving, his voice quiet. “We were cornered, Billie was just outside the door, about to kill us- I knew I’d have to watch him die again-” his voice breaks and he clears his throat, not even having the energy to feel embarrassed about that. His brother saw him at his lowest multiple times, he doesn’t have to try to hide shit from him or feel embarrassed – or so he’s trying to convince himself. “And then he- well, I guess he had his ‘moment of true happiness’, because the Empty came and took him and Billie, which you already knew.” he shakes his head. “The bastard saved my life and I couldn’t even- Fuck, man.” he takes a deep breath. Thinking about it non-stop is enough to hurt like hell, but talking about it is just too much for him to handle. “Okay, chick-flick moment over. I’m done. Now you know what happened and you can stop bothering me.”

“No, wait, but what did he do? How did he summon the Empty? How did he get happy in those circumstances?” damn Sam and his curiosity.

“He- It doesn’t matter. It’s between me and him. Not like I can do anything about it now.” he chuckles bitterly, gripping the knife so hard his knuckles went white. The blade gleams welcomingly in the faint light of the library lamps, tempting him to wrap his hand around it or run his fingers over it. To draw blood, to feel that pleasant sharp sting. He knows, he remembers, that physical pain could distract him from feeling like his heart was cut out of his chest and left a gaping hole there, even just for a second. “I’m such a stupid asshole.” he adds through gritted teeth.

“Can’t argue with that.” Sam tries for a joke. Dean isn’t kidding, though, and he’s really not in the mood.

“Yeah.” he clears his throat again. “Are we done with this conversation now?” he asks a bit rudely, but he honestly doesn’t give a fuck. He wants to finish carving, adding Jack’s name there, too – he’s not gone gone, but he’s a part of his family – and finish his whiskey, maybe get another bottle to truly numb himself, and then go to bed and quietly sob into his pillow or pass out from drinking too much. And tomorrow, when he’s a bit more sober, he’ll take Baby and drive somewhere he can let it all out, whether by crying or screaming or punching trees until his knuckles bleed. Maybe he needs a hunt, just to channel all that anger into something useful.

“Fine. You mind if I stay here, though? Do some research?” Sam asks, still with that tentativeness in his voice. Dean has no idea what the hell he needs to research right now, it’s not like they have anything to take care of, and it’s pretty late, but he grunts something that’s supposed to mean ‘sure, whatever.’

Then, the room falls silent, save for the sounds of pages turning, books being gently put on the table or back on the shelves, glass clinking against the table, and a knife scraping against wood.

Once both Jack’s and Cas’ names are carved and the bottle is empty, Dean leaves the library, going straight for his room, stopping for another bottle in the kitchen, and leaving Sam still rummaging through books. Dean drinks some more and quietly cries until he passes out.

***

When Dean wakes up, it’s way too early, his head is pounding, and his bladder is way too full after a bottle and a half of alcohol. He goes to the bathroom, catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and immediately turns away, not wanting to see how shitty he looks beyond the red and puffy eyes, which clearly indicate he’s been crying. Then he makes his way towards the kitchen for a bottle of beer – in theory he knows it’s fucked up and really unhealthy that this is his first thought in the morning, but that’s just how he functions, and he’s mourning now, and he really doesn’t give a fuck. 

Passing the library he sees Sam still at the table, asleep with his head on the pages of a book opened in front of him. He walks up to him and takes the book out from under his head quickly and swiftly, which causes Sam’s head to bump against the table, and he wakes up.

“You spent the whole night here?” Dean asks, while Sam quietly complains about his forehead hurting now, rubbing the spot where it hit the table. “What are you researching?”

“I’m trying to find a way to bring Cas back.” Sam admits, and Dean freezes, feeling his expression harden. He doesn’t want to start hoping only to be met with disappointment and even more heartache later.

“Don’t.” Dean just grunts, turning to walk away. He can’t get his hopes up. He can’t. If there’s a possibility, he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t think he’d be able to live if they found a way and then it wouldn’t work out. He’s pretty sure that would send him over the edge – though he is pretty much there already. He’s just one more disappointment away from snapping and really doing something enormously idiotic and reckless.

“Dean.” Sam calls after him. “I know you miss him, and I miss him too. I know it’s a little different for you, though.” he starts and Dean stops in his tracks. What the hell? “And we lost him so many times before, and I saw what that did to you every time. I can’t- I don’t want to see you go through this again. You’re my brother and I want you to be happy. I found my person I can be happy with, and-”

“What do you mean different for me?” Dean interrupts. He knows what Sam meant. He doesn’t want to admit it to his brother, though. He knows each time Cas died they both mourned, but it always hit him harder. He knows why. He’s known for years. He didn’t know Sam knows, though. He keeps standing with his back towards Sam, not able to face him, especially if they were having this conversation.

“You know.” Sam sighs. “Dean, you’re over forty years old. Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped pretending? It’s just me, and I’m not judging you. I’d never. Not about this. And if you weren’t so stubborn and- and repressed, everything could look different.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” he insists stubbornly, probably only proving Sam’s point. 

Sam’s voice is quiet and reassuring, though a bit exasperated, when he says: “I know that you see Cas as- as more than just a best friend. I see how you feel about him. And he clearly felt the same.” at that, Dean turns around to look at Sam with surprise. Dean knows that now, after Cas explicitly told him, only to fucking- to die after. How did Sam notice it? Any of it? Was Dean just that much in denial about his own feelings he couldn’t see what was right in front of him? “I’m not dumb. Or blind. I’ve been right there through it all. All twelve years of it. I saw the way you looked at each other, the way you were with each other… how hard it was for you especially whenever we lost him. I know.” he emphasizes.

“What’s up with having a fucking feelings conversation now?” Dean asks after a beat, finally moving to leave the library. He feels uncomfortable and vulnerable, and if he doesn’t get out of there right this second, he might just crumble right in front of Sam. And he only allows for that to happen when there’s no one around.

Dean goes to the kitchen and as he takes the first sip of cold beer, Sam enters.

“Seriously? At this hour?” Sam chastises. He rarely comments on Dean’s drinking, usually settling for only disapproving glances, because whenever he did say something in the past, Dean would either brush him off or get angry. This is none of Sam’s business, and Dean doesn’t care. He stopped caring a long time ago, and now that Cas is gone… He feels almost numb, if it wasn’t for the anger.

“Whatever, dude.” Dean shrugs, downing half the bottle. Sam just sighs heavily, the concern and pity fucking oozing out of his expression. Dean knows Sam just wants to help, he’s his brother, he’s worried, just like Dean gets worried about him all the time… but he swears, if he sees that fucking concerned expression for five more minutes, he will punch Sam. Which is why he probably should just go, instead of letting the anger win. He needs to let it out, but not like this.

“Listen, we can find a way-”

“No, you listen.” he lets a bit of the anger seep into his voice and he hates it. “I lost him.” his voice is shaking and he hates that even more. They both lost Cas, but at this point there’s no reason to pretend Dean feels the same way Sam does. “I always lose him. He either gets killed or leaves, and I’m- I can’t do it again.” he’s shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears from falling. Not in front of Sam. He hates breaking down in front of anyone, especially his younger brother. He’s supposed to be the strong one, the one to take care of Sammy, not the other way around.

“But he always comes back, too. He came back from the Empty once, remember?” Sam says carefully, and that tone of voice, as if he expects Dean to snap, makes him almost do just that, as he briefly considers throwing the bottle against the wall. He doesn’t, though. He takes a few deep breaths and drinks some more, before putting the bottle on the counter next to him. Lately he feels like he’s fighting with every breath not to let the anger out, as if there’s some anger-demon inside of him trying to break free. Well, that’s how he’s felt for years, it just intensified even more now. “There’s always hope.”

“Sam.” Dean looks at his brother with a pained expression, not able to hide behind the mask just yet, it’s way too early in the morning and he’s too hurt, so he allows himself a few seconds of vulnerability. He’ll beat himself up over it later. “If I let myself hope and it doesn’t work out, I won’t survive this.” his voice is quiet, barely a whisper, because he really doesn’t want to admit it. He’s just too overwhelmed by everything, all they went through, all the emotions – the anger, grief, heartbreak, the hopeless love… adding to this the support from his brother, who’s clearly fucking okay with Dean being- with him having feelings for their male – well, an angel, but in a man’s body – best friend… It’s all too much. And he’s too tired to keep hiding it. He’s gone years pretending to be okay, putting on this mask. What’s even the point if he just loses the one thing, the one person, who could make him truly happy? Which is kind of ironic that he was this for Cas, too. Only it got Cas dead, and Dean has to live with it. He doesn’t know how long he can go on, though. Just living from hunt to hunt, no bigger purpose, nothing to distract himself with, with the biggest Big Bad defeated. He’s not even sure he wants to keep hunting, but he needs something to occupy himself and to get that anger out. “I love him, Sammy.” he finally admits, his voice breaking, and a tear escaping and running down his cheek. Sam’s whole expression softens.

“I know. We’ll get him back. I won’t rest until we get him back. And when we do, the first thing you’re gonna do is tell him how you feel. Yeah?” he smiles, as if there’s any reason for smiling yet. As if they’re going to succeed.

“Sure.” Dean wipes the tears and puts on a neutral expression. That was too much vulnerability for a whole year, he feels uncomfortable now. He doesn’t let himself believe in what Sam’s saying, but he figures he might humor him for a minute until they inevitably find out there’s literally nothing they can do. It’s something to occupy his mind and time, at least. A way to keep him from spiraling and completely crumbling. “Where do we start?”

***

As it turns out, Sam has no idea where to start, because there’s not much lore about the Empty. But he’s determined, and Dean hates to admit that some little spark of hope awakens in him, as much as he tries to stifle it. Realistically he knows it’s an impossible task. They go through book after book, anything they can find about cosmic entities, which is obviously not a lot. Not many beings come back from the Empty to report. He knows they for sure will not be able to find any information or get Cas back on their own. That is why they also continuously pray to Jack to get him down here and help, but so far there’s been radio silence. Which Dean really understands. Jack’s God now, the capital G God, which still sounds insane. He has things to take care of, Heaven to rebuild, and millions of people praying to him all the time. Dean’s not sure how that whole praying thing works, but maybe it’s difficult to pick their prayers out of so many.

Eventually he does show up, though, and he promises to bring Cas back. Jack wants that, too, obviously. He says he would never just let Cas stay where he is now. That’s when Dean allows himself to feel hopeful. Jack is God, if anyone can manage this, it’s him. Dean still goes through every book, finds any witch or demon or angel on earth that can tell him anything. He’s frantic and single-minded, focused only on one thing – getting Cas back. He throws himself into it completely and almost obsessively.

Jack is gone for a few days, then weeks, and Dean is restless and needs to keep working. He knows he should wait for Jack, because what else is he supposed to do? There’s really nothing else left. But he can’t just sit and do nothing. He can’t give up. Not when he just started to have hope. He knows that if he stops trying to find a way to get Cas back even for a second, even if there’s literally nothing on earth that can help, he will totally break down and this time he won’t be able to get out of it.

Sam is there through it all, together with Eileen. They both seem worried about him, but also determined to help. They do research, they drive across the country, fly across the world to find some crumbs of information that, unsurprisingly, lead them nowhere. 

Until finally Jack comes back after months, and brings Cas with him. He’s just standing there, in the bunker, in the library, right in front of Dean, looking as gorgeous as always, in his fucking trenchcoat, with a nervous smile on his face, looking straight into Dean’s eyes. Dean is frozen. He can vaguely hear Jack explain what exactly happened and why it took so long, but all Dean can think is ‘Cas. Cas is back. Cas is here. Cas. Cas. Cas.'

Dean hears Sam quietly usher Eileen and Jack out of the room, leaving Dean and Cas there, staring at each other. Dean can’t quite believe this is real. Finally, Cas speaks up:

“Hello, Dean.” is all he says, but it’s enough to make Dean crumble. He feels tears start falling down his cheeks, his feet take him to Cas, his hands grabbing the coat and bringing him closer, into a hug, then wrapping his arms around him. Dean suddenly feels like can breathe easily now, as if for the last few months he had this weight of grief and loss that suffocated him, and now it’s released. Cas hugs him back, and they just hold each other, and Dean is overcome with a flood of relief and so much love. His tears fall onto Cas’ trenchcoat, while his hands grip him tightly, still trying to make sure he’s really there. He finally says something, but it’s just Cas’ name, over and over, whispering, his voice shaking. He feels like he’s outside his body, it all seems surreal and unlike him. He just can’t keep it in. If it was anyone else, he’d be embarrassed, crying and showing so much emotion, but it’s Cas. It’s his Cas. Dean was sure he lost him for good this time, and now he’s back. After all, he always is, isn’t he? 

“I can’t believe you’re here.” he whispers finally, pulling away only enough to look at Cas. He can look at him, because he’s back, he’s right here, and Dean’s looking at him and touching him and he can-

“Me neither.” Cas wipes Dean’s cheeks gently, their faces really close together. “Jack really struggled with this, dealing with the Empty is very hard and very annoying. But apparently being God has its perks.” he smiles.

“Cas.” Dean clears his throat, puts his palms on the sides of Cas’ face and looks him straight in the eyes. He has shit to say, and he needs to do it before he chickens out, like he always does. Not this time, though. He doesn’t exactly have a way with words, but he’ll try his best. He needs to say it all. His heart hammering against his chest loudly. He’s been through a lot and yet he’s never been more nervous than now. “I didn’t get to say it before, when- because you took me by surprise. So.” he takes a shaky breath, preparing to lay his heart on his sleeve for the first time ever. Cas’ hopeful eyes give him courage to do so. “I love you too, Cas. You can have me. You can have all of me, if you still want that. You-” His voice is quiet, barely a whisper, as he bears his soul. It’s a bit easier than he expected, given his inability to express his feelings, but it’s Cas. And Dean figures he’s made everything too difficult by now, he’ll say what he needs to say to assure Cas how he feels, to assure him that his feelings are reciprocated, he’d do anything. No matter how strange it feels coming out of his mouth. For once, he’ll be one hundred percent honest. “You’re my happiness. My everything. And without you, I don’t feel alive. I need you to stay, and never leave me again. If you’ll have me.” he finishes, not bothering to hide the desperation in his voice, his eyes miraculously stay on Cas’ during the whole speech. Cas is smiling widely now. 

“Dean.” Cas brings his hand up to cup Dean’s cheek. Dean loves to hear his name out of Cas’ mouth again. “I’ve never wanted anything more.”

“Yeah?” Dean can’t contain a wide, genuine smile that spreads on his face, and it feels so unfamiliar, he doesn’t remember the last time he smiled like that. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw Cas look this happy, either. The self-hating part of Dean wants to interject and ask Cas if he’s sure he wants him, if he’s sure he loves all of him – the good, the bad and the ugly. But he doesn’t, because he knows. He still can’t believe it and it will take him a while, maybe even his whole life, but at least he knows now.

“Of course. I told you already. I just never imagined that you’d want me, too.” he adds quietly, his thumb caresses Dean’s cheek gently, and Dean feels something like sparks of electricity where their skin touches.

“Well, I do. I want to-” he pauses, gathering his courage to say one more, unusual for him, cliche thing he means with all his heart. “I want to spend forever with you. Thoughts?” he adds with a teasing smile.

“I think that would be great. I’m in.” Cas grins.

“Good.” Dean leans in, looking into Cas’ eyes questioningly. Cas’ smile widens even more, if that’s even possible. Dean bumps his nose with his own playfully, before finally, finally, after years of repressing those feelings and actively forcing himself not to even acknowledge them, he finally kisses Cas. And it’s the sweetest, most tender kiss of Dean’s life. It starts out chaste, just lips against lips, before Cas opens his mouth, deepening it. It turned more intense and passionate, but still lazy and unrushed. They take their time just savoring this moment and learning each other this new way. They have all the time in the world now.

It takes a while before Dean pulls away, solely because he just wants to see Cas’ face again, look into those gorgeous eyes he thought he’d never see again. Cas beams at him, and Dean can’t decide what he wants more – to keep looking at him or to kiss him and never stop.

“You came back to me.” he finally whispers. 

“Yeah. And I plan to stay right here forever.” Cas tightens his grip where his arms are wrapped around Dean now.

“Here here?” Dean asks, though he’s pretty sure he knows what Cas means. “Because I kinda thought we could maybe leave the bunker. Go somewhere nice and quiet and- I don’t know. It’s stupid.” he cuts off and feels his face heat up. Cas just came back, they don’t have to have this conversation now.

“It’s not stupid.” Cas brings his hand back to Dean’s face, and Dean melts against the touch. “Tell me.”

“I think I wanna stop hunting.” he admits it out loud for the first time. “Sammy and Eileen got it. I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’m fucking tired, man. I just- I just want a simple, normal, boring life. With you.” he says and sees that amazing smile on Cas’ face yet again. This is the first day he’s ever seen this smile, and it keeps showing up, and Dean wants to do everything for it to never disappear. “You game?”

“Yes.” Cas grins. “I would love nothing more than to live a normal, boring life with you.”

“Let’s do it then.” Dean says and he can’t believe how content and relieved he feels at the mere thought of that. Of just settling down, like he always wanted. Best of all, it’ll be with the man he loves the most in this world. He’s filled with so much love for him, he can’t help but say it again: “I love you. It took me way too long to finally say it, but now I’ll keep saying it, over and over, until you get sick of it.” he smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you, Dean.” Cas chuckles lightly. “And I’ll never get sick of hearing you say it.”

“Good.” he just says again, looking into his eyes for one more moment, before kissing him again. He knows they’re gonna have to join the rest of their family soon, talk about everything, they probably want to welcome Cas back, too. But for now Dean wants to be selfish and keep Cas to himself, in his arms, for a little while longer.

It’s crazy to think that just a few months ago, he quite literally didn’t have the will to live anymore, and now, in this moment, he feels more alive than he has in years. He finally feels like his life is properly starting now, on his terms, the way he wants and chooses, with the person he loves. With Cas. Dean can’t wait for forever with him.

Tag list: (tagging everyone from 50 ways and people who said they wanted to be tagged when I post destiel fics on my last 50 ways post a year ago lol sorry if you don't wanna be tagged, just tell me haha)

@proudcasgirl @im-sam-fucking-winchester @nguyenxtrang @manifestingdestiel @enchantinghairdoherringwombat @somethings-are-meant-tobe @cherry-cheshire

[naruhearts]

I’m done keeping my composure.

Sorry, this will be a LOADED post! (And I’ll be repeating the points others have made)

for real, to everyone being nasty and telling heartbroken fans that “Dean was always supposed to die get a grip you’re just butthurt etcetera etcetera—” F you royally.

How dare you police the brutal feelings that’s been embroiling us since the Finale That Must Not Be Named aired. 

The show you think you all watched, the show you all believe was the same SPN from Season 1-4, changed at some point. Kripke wrote his original vision, put it to screen, saw it through in S5 as he intended, and closed the door on that era.

In 2008, Supernatural was adopted and inherited. As you know, there was a supreme paradigm shift post-Kripke era. The show FLOURISHED (we won’t talk about Gamble thanks). It evolved, transformed, grew beyond trauma-induced self-worthlessness and toxic masculinity and endless death and hegemonic social ideals and conservatism and repressive anti-revolutionary ideas. Castiel, the iconic favourite and beloved staple of the series portrayed by Misha Collins, was introduced in Season 4 as the core lead character, and he ushered in a brand new era of Christian mythos that SPN took advantage of. Longevity SKYROCKETED. Audiences were INTERESTED. SPN amassed an incredibly groundbreaking fanbase infused by non-nuclear principles. A massive subversive wave began, fighting the Status Quo of the times since 2008. It’s precisely why such an abysmal ending to a show of extensive Freud-Jungian metanarratively meta META complex stature and social POWER will render us totally and unbearably broken for years to come.

Point is, DEAN WINCHESTER NO LONGER WANTED TO DIE. HE WANTED TO LIVE. HE WANTED TO SIT ON THE BEACH, PLUNGE HIS TOES IN THE SAND, AND SIP UMBRELLA DRINKS WITH HIS BROTHER AND HIS BEST FRIEND. He said this in Season 13. And then, a season later, he told the ghost of his long-deceased father — the source of his deep-running trauma and the figure of self-reductive authoritarianism permeating his arc since Season 1 — after being questioned why he didn’t pursue the Nuclear Fam, that he already has his own: his brother Sam, his adopted child Jack, and Cas.

Dean’s best friend Cas. Oh god, Cas, who made his inevitably permanent mark on Dean’s soul beyond allyship. Castiel, renamed to Cas, God’s -iel removed by Dean. Dean, the human spark that lit the fire of pre-existing autonomy in the inherently rebellious angel who was, this entire time, the catalyst for free will in God The Writer’s puppet show. Their friendship set on goddamn fire. I can also write paragraph upon paragraph about my love for Cas while devastated tears stream down my face, but I digress—

Cas’ romantic love for Dean pushed our main Heart of SPN to love himself. Love is free will. Free will is also love. Of note, Cas’ love confession in 15x18 was supposed to offset something so vastly important and fundamental...to maybe (read: most likely) pull the trigger on SELF-TRUTHS in conjunction with free will. And The Great Anticipated Follow-Up to the episode penned by the passionate Berens should have included (read: seemed like it was going to be) Dean, closeted trauma survivor in love with his best friend, being given the opportunity to do it right: to SPEAK HIS TRUTH, and then that very singular opportunity was STOLEN so grossly. After poring over it for days, I refuse to believe we made their years-long story up out of thin air, spun it out of fantastical-delusional dream cotton candy, because we DIDN’T. IT WAS REAL.

As I said in another post: “I’ve just been feeling physically ill for the past >40 something hours with the terrible knowledge that 19/20 undid years of vital progression towards healthy interdependence, autonomy, and a positive endgame, where Sam, Dean and Cas close the ring of found family in final empowering self-fulfillment...where Dean, no longer repressed and set free, is able to use his words and speak his truth as a queercoded trauma survivor, henceforth confirming and self-affirming his own bisexuality since S1 by reciprocating — by telling Cas that he always loved him, too, loved him endlessly, which would have altogether divested Supernatural of its cult status and catapulted it into global worldwide significance as the longest running sci-fi genre show in American broadcasting history that actually dared to defy and, by proxy, empower LGBTQ2IA+ everywhere who found profound personal meaning in Destiel through VALIDATION,” — found themselves mirrored in Dean and Cas’ respective character journeys individually and as each other’s queer love interests.

THIS IS WHY DEAN WASN’T MEANT TO DIE.

THEY WERE SO ESSENTIAL, NOT JUST TO THE OVERARCHING STORY AND HEALTHY INTERPERSONAL THEMATICS OF MODERN SPN, BUT ALSO TO THE SOULS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ACROSS THE WORLD WHO FOLLOWED THEIR JOURNEYS, HOPED FOR THEM, ASPIRED TO BE LIKE THEM, TREASURED THEM, WEEPED FOR THEM, AND FOUGHT FOR THEM, LIKE YOU AND ME.

Heck, how could anyone think Sam Winchester had a well-deserved characteristic ending? He didn’t. Dean’s brother was shafted so badly. He stopped hunting when seasons ago, he had canonically accepted that he no longer wanted an apple pie life. He simply...turned the lights off in a resoundingly empty bunker and left — abandoning his dead brother’s room — never to return (he did return later to get the Impala, family photos etc, I mean this symbolically)...as if — dare I say it — Supernatural itself eerily told us, in the negative-spaced pitch blackness, that the organic show and the wonderfully complex, matured characters we’ve grown to love weren’t going to survive or be revisited...that it was all going to perish, and that they no longer gave a single shit about their own show, which, to me, is the worst cardinal sin, because how dare they throw Team Free Will, an immovable and indomitable and passionate found family they built from the ground up, a found family CHOCK FULL TO THE BRIM OF LOVE AND LIFE RAGING AGAINST THE AUTHORITARIAN MACHINE IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE FREE WILL, under the bus no matter who is to blame. Growth was stomped on.

Then Sam married a faceless wife who wasn’t his textually established (and deaf) love interest Eileen, named his son Dean Jr., and grew old miserably, still mourning the passing of his older brother, shaken and sombre. Back to square one. IT WAS ALL ANTITHETICAL, even OUTSIDE a shipping context, and I ripped my hair out at this point in sheer disbelief.

This 15x20 ending would have fit somewhere between S4-7. Now? IT DOESN’T FIT. IT’S A JAGGED PUZZLE PIECE THAT DOESN’T BELONG ANYWHERE. IT���S THE FOREBODING UNKNOWN STRANGER IN ITS OWN LAND, BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. This kind of ending was basically an illogical, unsound cluster of metastasized cells that, to me, ruined the viability of previous seasons to sustain bold praise and respect and dignity and rewatches and classic nostalgia in such insidious ways.

Dean Humanity Winchester and Cas, after everything they’ve been through, were silenced and lost in death, ripped apart from each other, unable to love each other the way they deserved, because of disappointing, vile incompetency and homophobia. The greatest love story ever told, again obliterated in less than 60 hollow minutes.

You know what this tells your audience, CW SPN? Death without self-growth is the way to go, and no one is allowed to forge their own path to freedom.

HOW INSULTINGLY HARMFUL IS THAT?

I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving.

We all deserve answers.

[contemplativepancakes]

sunsets for somebody else

Daphne runs into her long lost husband arguing with another man in the grocery store. Things start to take a turn when she realizes they're married.

The bottle of bleach drops from Daphne’s hand into her cart, landing with a sloshing thud as she takes in the scene in front of her, frozen in her tracks. Emmanuel is standing right in front of her, arguing with another man about cleaning supplies.

Wearing a beige trench coat for some inexplicable reason—it’s almost 90 degrees outside—Emmanuel listens to a man who’s explaining in minute detail how to clean an oven. They’re both wearing wedding rings, and Daphne’s heart swells for a moment before she realizes it’s a different ring from the one she gave Emmanuel all those years ago.

“Dean, I don’t think this is safe for Jack. This is going to create noxious fumes,” Emmanuel says, squinting at the ingredients of the cleaner apparently-Dean had thrust at him.

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, and Daphne squeezes the handle of her shopping cart harder, feeling faint. It’s not every day you come across your long lost husband at the Stop N’ Shop.

“I think the kid can take some fumes,” Dean says, plucking the bottle out of Emmanuel’s hands and putting it in the cart. “We wouldn’t even have to worry about this if someone didn’t let the pizza fall onto the bottom of the oven.”

“The directions said to put it directly on the middle rack!” Emmanuel protests, and Dean rubs a hand down Emmanuel’s back in a familiar way that makes Daphne’s stomach roil.

She’s not jealous, she’s not. She was just helping Emmanuel when she found him, after all. Their marriage was simply one of…convenience for Emmanuel. It’s not like he had a birth certificate with him, or a social security number. What did Daphne get out of all this? Well. Daphne looks at his cheek bones wistfully, her gaze dipping down to his strong forearms his trench coat is rolled up to reveal.

Dean rolls his eyes fondly, and then he tugs Emmanuel into his side, kissing him on the temple. Daphne jerks her stare away for a moment before returning it, noticing now that their wedding rings match.

“Emmanuel?” she chokes out, against her better judgment.

For a long second, she doesn’t think Emmanuel heard her, but he turns around. “Daphne?”

Daphne nods, her words forsaking her. She doesn’t miss the way Dean clutches possessively at Emmanuel’s hip.

“I…thought you were dead,” she finally says. “I filed a missing person report.”

Dean squints at her, before something like recognition passes over her face, and now that she thinks about it, Daphne recognizes him, too. He’s the one who showed up right before everything went to shit. Horror stories of Stockholm syndrome flash through her mind.

“Emmanuel, are you…happy?” she settles on.

Emmanuel gives her a smile, leaning harder into Dean. “I am.”

“Good. That’s. Good,” she says, a strangled look on her face, she’s sure. “Would you want to catch up some time?” she asks before she fully registers what’s coming out of her mouth.

Emmanuel gives her a warm smile. “I’d love that.”

As they set up a time to get coffee, Daphne tries to ignore the glare Dean levels at her throughout the whole conversation. He insists that their meeting be tomorrow, since apparently they won’t be in the area for long. Daphne tries to ignore the warning bells in her mind that tell her she’s about to get murdered and takes solace in the fact that at least they’re meeting in a public place.

Besides, even if Emmanuel’s husband is a serial killer, surely Emmanuel won’t let him murder her, right?

-

The next day, Daphne hems and haws as she debates what to wear. Whatever this is, it’s the exact opposite of a date, anyway. She knocks on the door of her foster child, Alex, to wake them up before she goes into the bathroom to do her hair and makeup. Really, she’s just doing it for herself. She’s allowed to want to look nice!

When she finally deems herself as ready as she’s going to get, she goes back to Alex’s room to make sure they’re actually up. To her pleasant surprise, they’re sitting on the edge of their bed putting on their socks and almost ready. “Excited for school today?” she asks.

Alex makes a face at her. “Never,” they say, but their voice at least has the edge of a smile to it.

They’ve come a long way since they were first placed with her, and even though Daphne knows she shouldn’t be getting overly attached, she can’t help it. She walks down the steps and into the kitchen, deliberating for a moment on breakfast before putting frozen waffles into the toaster. If she’s about to get murdered while Alex is at school, she can at least make sure the last thing she made for them wasn’t cereal.

Alex tromps down the steps, dragging their bookbag behind them, and Daphne hides her smile behind her glass of orange juice. Alex lights up at the sight of the waffles, disturbingly easy to please, as always. They inhale them, as teenagers do, before putting their dishes in the sink. Daphne cracks open her laptop as they wait for the bus, attempting to get some of her work done for the day since she’ll be taking a break later for the coffee. She really hopes her boss doesn’t try and call her while she’s out.

Or, maybe she does. She’s not sure she’s prepared for the level of awkwardness that she’s about to go through, but maybe it won’t be as bad as she thinks. She really wants to know what Emmanuel has been up to for all of this time. She’s still…embarrassingly hung up on him, and it would be nice to get some closure.

The bus pulling up in front of the house jerks her out of her thoughts, and she gives Alex a wave before they race off to get on. She watches them settle into a seat with one of their friends, and smiles at the fact that they even have friends now.

In the end, Daphne doesn’t manage to get much work done before she clambers into her car and drives to the coffee shop they agreed on. She doesn’t really think she needs caffeine with the way her leg is bouncing already.

Emmanuel and Dean are already there when she walks in, Emmanuel with a cup of black coffee he’s dumping sugar packets into and Dean with something with whipped cream and chocolate syrup drizzled on top. She gives them a tentative wave before ordering hot chocolate for herself, settling herself delicately in the seat across from them.

“So,” Dean says. “You were Cas’s wife?”

She squints. “Cas?”

Emmanuel speaks up. “After I regained my memories, I remembered that was my name.”

“Oh.” Smiling weakly, she tries to reconcile that. “You have them all back now?”

Emman—Cas nods.

“Just forgot about me, though?” she tries to ask lightly, but it comes out a little garbled.

“You took advantage of him!” Dean explodes from the other side of the table, making Daphne flinch. “Who the fuck finds someone naked with no memories and marries them?”

“Dean,” Cas chastises, his arm shifting like he’s putting his hand on Dean’s thigh under the table.

“I was helping him,” Daphne says hotly. “Would you have just wanted me to leave him there?”

Cutting Dean off before he can say anything else, Cas looks at Daphne and smiles in a way that makes her heart flutter. “I’m very grateful. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to let you know I was alright.”

Dean crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair, taking a sip of his sugar monstrosity. He comes away with a whipped cream mustache, and it’s hard not to laugh as he wipes it away in total seriousness.

“So,” Daphne says. “You two have a kid? Jack?”

Scowling, which seems to be Dean’s automatic reflex, he exchanges a glance with Cas before softening. “Yeah, we have a kid. He’s four.”

Daphne thinks maybe Dean should have been a little bit more concerned about the fumes of cleaning chemicals if they have a four year old, but she keeps her judgments to herself. Cas beams. “He’s very bright.”

Returning the smile tentatively, Daphne asks, “How long have you two been married?”

“It’s almost our one year anniversary,” Dean says gruffly.

Daphne tries not to let it affect her, even if that’s more time than she ever got with Cas. “Practically newly weds, then!”

“It’s been an adventure; that’s certain,” Cas says, smiling serenely even as Dean elbows his ribs. “Tell us about you, Daphne. What have you been doing?”

Daphne shrugs a shoulder. “Oh, not too much.” Mourning the man I pulled out of the woods and saved and married, she doesn’t say. She knows Emmanuel never felt the same way about her that she did him. “I got approved to be a foster parent, so I’ve had a few kids come through.”

“Helping people has always been your calling,” Cas says softly.

Daphne takes a few minutes to gush about Alex, and her previous kids before them, before she notices Dean’s not actively glaring at her anymore.

“That’s…nice,” he begrudges when she finishes.

“What do you do, Dean?”

Looking like he just dropped something on his foot, he stammers before he hastily says, “I work construction.”

Daphne squints at him. She has the feeling he’s lying to her, but she has no idea why he would be.

“And what about you, Cas?”

“Oh, I mostly just take care of Jack.”

“You’re a stay at home dad?” she asks, the thought making her stomach twist into knots and heat rise to her face.

“Of a sorts,” Cas agrees.

God, they’re making it impossible to carry on a conversation with them. Daphne keeps a smile pasted to her face. “What do you two do for fun?”

“I’m convinced Dean thinks fun is superfluous,” Cas confides, even as Dean splutters at him. “But I like to drag him to thrift stores with me. Dean likes to bake, also.”

“I work on cars, too,” Dean says, and Daphne can feel his desperation to maintain his facade.

She tries not to quirk a smile at his discomfort. They chat for a while longer, Dean getting increasingly dodgy about the questions she asks before she finally excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She shuts the door behind her and looks down at the dank floor. Is she getting what she wanted out of this? She has no idea what she even imagined happening when she asked to catch up. Emmanuel running away with her? Maybe in her wildest fantasies. Taking a deep breath to ground herself, she looks in the mirror and checks her makeup, rubbing at her under eye circles before walking back out of the bathroom.

Cas is at the counter ordering another drink, for Dean, by the sound of the sugar content, and she walks over to him. Hesitating before she bites the bullet, she asks, “You’re not…like, being held against your will, right? That Dean seems,” she pauses, “interesting.”

Cas laughs warmly, putting a hand over Daphne’s. “No, nothing like that. This is a choice of my own free will, believe it or not. Dean is much more caring than he lets on.”

Well, Daphne’s not sure she believes it, but. At least he’s happy, and in the end, that’s all she’s ever wanted for him.

[and-stir-the-stars]

i think it should have dawned on Cas one day that he has been alive for billions of years, and yet he knows less about himself than others who have lived for 20 years know about themselves.

and i'm not even talking about Naomi messing with his past (though there's a lot to talk about there). I'm talking about the little things.

I'm talking about Cas not knowing if he likes painting. I'm talking about Cas not knowing what his singing voice sounds like. I'm talking about Cas not knowing what his favorite colour is. I'm talking Cas not having any hobbies, not knowing what his interests or passions are outside of constantly trying to do what's right or make up for his past wrongs.

I think post-Jack's death especially, Cas should have gone through an additional period of mourning. Cas would have never in all of his billions of years thought he was capable of being a father, and yet, thanks to Jack, he ended up discovering that not only was he fully capable of it, but he enjoyed it and it became deeply ingrained as a part of him. Being a father to Jack should have made Cas realize that there are so many parts of himself that Cas has never been given the opportunity to understand, explore, or love despite the billions of years he had been alive; and, additionally, Jack's death should have leeched away any joy or enthusiasm or curiosity Cas could have felt upon realizing that there are so many layers to himself that he can explore now, because what is the point in being anything if Jack isn't there? Cas was the happiest he had ever been just being a father, and now that that's gone, what else is there? And what's the point in exploring himself if anything he finds can and will be ripped away from him as cruelly as Jack was?