#just doing random shit so i don't have to deal with how painful it truly is

[babybearnini]

Ugh.

[alltimefail]

Random thought that could could absolutely be nothing, an over-analyzation of sorts even, but I have always found it interesting that in the Devlin house episode Charles gets sucked into the loop starting from the point he snaps at Edwin about him "Not being the all-knowing expert on all things." It's especially interesting to me because after he does so, Edwin tells Charles that he's "...Not acting like himself at all."

In theory, Charles could have just reappeared when Mr. Devlin turns the corner or when he approaches Mr. Devlin here:

because if the point of repetition here is to show us that the abuse Charles suffered at the hands of his own father is what causes him to get trapped in the loop, either of those moments would have been sufficient in supporting that idea. The dialogue shared beforehand between him and Edwin has little to do with the point at hand...unless...

Charles feeling pain about his own father isn't the whole sum of why he gets trapped in the loop; his fear that he's just LIKE his father, that he's not a good person, that he's "Cruel for the shits," and capable of hurting the people he loves (and thus undeserving of their love) is also what traps him in the loop, and that's why his "loop" starts with him snapping at Edwin.

Even though we as viewers can empathize with and understand why Charles snaps at Edwin given the circumstances, it's very unlikely that Charles extends that same grace to himself. I would argue that we see the multi-faceted layers of his trauma explored in various ways from this moment on. Charles himself even later admits that all he feels is anger despite the fact that he wants to be "a good guy." Charles has yet to understand that it's possible to be good and feel anger, that anger in and of itself is not bad, and that feeling strong negative emotions like grief or anger does not make a person dangerous or abusive like his father was...nor does it guarantee that he would use his anger to harm others. So, with that in mind, of course Charles' loop would start with him lashing out at Edwin, as opposed to it just starting with him lashing out at Brandon Devlin; it's not just about feeling powerless to stop the abuse, it's about feeling like you play a role in it. It's about the deep-rooted fear that maybe you actually deserved the abuse you suffered because you are not good, and just by being related to an abuser you are damned to be just like them, or worse. Charles worries about who he truly is, deep down, and that maybe Edwin is wrong when he says that Charles isn't acting like himself: maybe the darkest parts that he works so hard to bury are actually who he truly is, and his ability to throw careless, harmful, biting words at someone he loves deeper than anyone else may be a reflection of this. After all, his father loved his mother, he loved Charles, and look what he did to them... how he hurt them beyond repair. What if he is the same?

OR: the trauma Charles deals with isn't only the violence his father enacted on him (shown through what Brandon Devlin does to his family), but it's also the violence he feels capable of enacting himself (shown through his ability to throw harsh words toward Edwin who Charles openly claims is the "most important person in the world" to him).

What furthered this idea even more for me (and added a bit of salt to the wound frankly) was Crystal and Edwin's reactions to Charles being pulled into the loop. Out of shock, confusion, and frustration Crystal immediately turns to Edwin for answers but for a moment he is just frantic and uncharacteristically frazzled, only able to say, "Charles was right, I don't know everything..." and OUCH, right? But it emphasizes that 1) what Charles said to Edwin was quite hurtful, 2) that it did have an (unintentional) impact on Edwin, and 3) that Charles himself very well might have realized it was hurtful as soon as it left his mouth thus, again, why it would make sense that his loop began there.

It takes a strong emotional reaction to be pulled into a loop; the possibly that this moment was written to work on two levels of Charles' inner turmoil is quite clever (and extremely heartbreaking).

Again, it could absolutely be nothing... but it's worth pondering!!

[theanimeoftheblackbunnymask]

What type of yandere do you think sigma and nikolai would be?

Sure!

Links: {Masterlist} {Jouno and Tecchou Yandere Idea}

Nikolai Gogol (Yandere Idea)

Nikolai is a lot to deal with, privacy is no longer a thing. Nikolai will never give you moment of peace. He's always talking to you, throwing random quizzes at you, using his ability to either see you, touch you or just mess with you.

But don't let this fool you, Nikolai is quite the manipulator. Nikolai tends to guilt trip you a lot, and likes to mock you and degrade you for his personal amusement while he hugs you.

A question you ask yourself a lot is if he actually loves you. It's not on a "He treats me like shit," kind of way, it'd more like, "He treats like I'm a pet/doll."

Nikolai often dresses you up in little outfits and has you help out with his tricks, even if they're super easy. Nikolai confuses you a lot. He claims that he hates human emotions and will kill you eventually, but his actions often contradict himself.

Also, out of all the yanderes, his punishments are the most cruel. His often energetic personality becomes a lot more sinister when he's upset. His smile wouldn't have any joy, it would sadistic and filled with anger, and the look in his eyes send a chill down your spine. When it comes to actual punishments, I can see Nikolai being on the more physical and emotional side of things. His punishments are often a mixture of emotional and physical pain. He'd always start his punishments off as a game, giving you two options on which game the two of you will be playing. This really fucks with your brain because he'll purposely make the game you choose harder and more painful. Games often very, but all of them end with you hiding in a dark corner, hugging your knees as you cry. Nikolai would only laugh at your expense and tell you that you're no fun. But keep in mind, his energy and joy during punishments is all an act, if you tic him off during these punishments, even a little bit, the facade will drop.

If it wasn't clear enough, Nikolai is definitely on the more playful and teasing side of things as a yandere, rarely taking things seriously and constantly being a pain in your side. It takes a lot to make him mad, he's attempting to lose all emotions afterall, but if you do, he just becomes a husk of a person, a truly terrifying sight.

King of stalking. He can literally disguise himself as anyone, and he uses this skill to his advantage. He often pretends to be the worker at places you often go to. That one Cafe across the street, oh yeah, he was hired there last week.

However, despite his strong desire to kill you, his biggest fear is losing you. You make him feel something, you make feel love, you make him weak. You keep him bound to the chains of emotions and make him never reach true freedom, so he wants to kill you, to be freed of you. But, the way you smile, the way you cry when he hurts you, the you walk, the way you yell at him when you grow sick of his mind games and quizzes, he grows more and more obsessed. He can't let you go. He just can't.

Fyodor influences his actions like crazy ngl. He loves talking about you, especially to Fyodor, and one day Fyodor told him that if he truly wanted you to love him, even if he does cruel things to you, he'd have to break you down into nothing, make you dependent on him for everything, and then build you back up in his image. However, Nikolai wants a doll that still has a lot of life in them, making you cry and scream would be much more enjoyable when it's sincere. But, a sweet, quiet, obedient doll, he wouldn't mind that either. With Nikolai, I feel like your actions will dictate how he'll want you.

Nikolai is very hard yandere to understand, and if his darling even wants to try and use Manipulation to get their way, you got another thing coming. Nikolai is far from dumb, and is also extremely aware, so sure, he'll play into the idea that you're gaining control over him day by day, but in reality, it's the other way around.

So in conclusion, Nikolai is definitely one of the more scary yanderes. He's extremely deceiving, but if I had to compare him to Fyodor, Dazai, or even worse, Jouno, than he's a fucking angel.

Sigma (Yandere Idea)

Sigma would be the sweetest fucking yandere, dear lord.

Sigma is probably the only yandere in BSD that wouldn't be abusive in nature. Maybe a little bit manipulative, but that's damn near about it.

I can see Sigma being a very protective darling, wanting to keep you away from any harm, emotional and physical.

He would do everything in his power to keep you a secret. He's already in a very dangerous position as a member of the DOA, but if Nikolai, or even worse Fyodor, finds out about your existence, he can't help but imagine what they'll do to you.

I'd say the relationship Sigma would have with his darling would be pretty normal for the most part. Whenever he comes home after a long day at the casino, he always makes sure to get you a gift, may it be flowers or a piece of jewelry.

Sigma would be very awkward with his love. He's barely lived life, let alone been in a relationship. The feelings he has for you are very foreign and often causes him stress, but whenever you do something romantic for him, he often goes blank.

Now, would Sigma kidnap you? Ehhhh, maybe, it depends. Sigma doesn't want to hurt you in anyway, and if you're not very keen on the idea of being kidnapped, he'll have to find another way to get to you.

When it comes to the topic of punishments, Sigma hates them. Sigma is extremely patient, so making him so upset to the point he'll punish you is a fucking talent. But, his punishments would be very light. He'll lock you in your room as a punishment, but the moment you start crying and begging to be let out, he caves. He has a massive soft spot for you and just wants your love and affection.

One downside of being with Sigma is your freedom. Sigma is very concerned about your safety, so in the beginning he would keep you hidden while he tended at the casino. However, as time went on, his paranoia began to grow. What if someone finds you and you get hurt? What if you get kidnapped? What if you left him? Thoughts like that would race in his head while at the casino, causing him to not be at the top of his game. So, he decided to keep you at the casino with him, keeping in his office while be worked. Keeping you secret from the DOA became significantly harder, but at least you're not alone.

You would definitely get stockholm syndrome with Sigma, if not just fall in love with him normally. Sigma is such a sweetheart, probably the best boyfriend in BSD. He is very awkward in the beginning due to him being unfamiliar with romance, but once he gets more comfortable, he becomes the perfect boyfriend.

[wesperbrekkered]

🤡 ✨⛔️👀 for the fic ask game please!🫶🏻

Thank youuu!

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

I don't normally write things that make me laugh because I tend to overthink my own humour (love that for me 😒) but this one from the Spiderverse fic got a little giggle out of me:

“If by movie night you mean making out with me until I can’t breathe, then yeah,” Wylan said easily, his eyes squinting into tiny white slits and oh hell.

“Cool,” Jesper said, feeling decidedly not cool at all.

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

Uhhh that is the hardest question ever!! But I guess I really do like how I write angst (nobody is surprised...). I suppose I'm a little chuffed at the way I can describe internal conflict and the feeling of emotional pain to the point even I can tear up sometimes, which doesn't happen easily!

(Is this because i just self project my own shit onto Jesper?? Maybe...)

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

Many... many many... Two of the wips in wip list rn actually, the Soulmate AU (Artwork Etched Onto Scars) and the domestic Fluff one (Rose Tinted Glasses) because I just could not physically get into it!! I find writing Fluff extremely hard for me, so in order to be able to enjoy writing it I need to love the concept, which I don't with either of those wips. However, I am trying to finish them, slowly but surely, so they may see the light of day!

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

Hehe gladly! The wip I'm most excited for is the Detective AU (50 Ways To Kill A Man) because I read a lot of crime novels (Dick Frances my beloved) so I've got tons of random, murder solving related things in my head that I can pop into this!

It's going to follow Jesper, a detective who's been on the force for nearly ten years, as he attempts to solve an obscure murder curse while Wylan, the new guy, is assigned to the case to shadow Jesper.

While they're solving this case, more murders pop up with similar descriptions but are older deaths that make the two believe that they are possibly dealing with a serial killer or a revenge death.

I won't say much more (cos spoilers) but I'm SO excited to finally let you guys reas this!!

Here's a lil snippet from it, cos yeah.

Jesper slammed the phone down with a triumphant grin.

Across the table from him, Inej raised a curious eyebrow. “What’s got you all excited?” She asked somewhat sceptically, pausing on her report. Leaning back on his chair, Jesper crossed his arms behind his head, grinning. “My darling Inej,” he said, ignoring her eyeroll, “Councillor Hoede is dead!”

Inej frowned, “you shouldn’t be so happy over someone’s death,” she scolded, but Jesper only shook his head. “Okay first of all,” he said with a pointed finger, “Hoede is a piece of shit for whom I have no sympathy for.” Inej's frown didn’t let up, but her mouth twitched upwards ever so slightly, which Jesper took as a win.

“Secondly, nobody knows how he died, so yours truly as been assigned to figure out how the old fecker actually kicked it.”

His words may have been disrespectful, but Jesper couldn’t find it in him to care. None of the members of the Merchant Council ever gave a shit about anyone under their station, and Hoede in particular was notorious for paying his workers less then a liveable wage. Screw him for being more excited about paying his own bills with this murder case.

[thornfield13713]

...I truly hate Mizora. Yes, I know, least controversial opinion in the fandom.

Just- I can't help but wonder if this was, in part, set up to separate Wyll from the group, the same way Gortash dropping the bomb about Durge's past in a Dark Urge run can come off as him trying to separate them from their companions. Yes, okay, completely different contexts/preexisting relationships/goals, given that Wyll being alone might actually make him less effective now he's been tadpoled and lost a lot of power, but the techniques are similar. Probably because getting the resident warlock out of hock to their awful boss is a very, very common activity in DnD parties which include a warlock, and even if Mizora does not know the convention, she probably knows how often warlocks have wriggled free of apparently-airtight contracts after falling in with a scrappy band of misfits.

...I am once again somewhat disappointed that killing Mizora has to wait for the post-game, and then only if Wyll and Karlach head off to the Hells. I'd quite like to kill her, but- alas, Wyll's powers last only so long as his contract does, and killing her, thus turning Wyll into a lemure, in a fit of outrage at how she treats Wyll seems a tad bit counterproductive.

Because, seriously, that description of just how much pain this puts Wyll through is just- fucking hellfire, that's awful. And all in one go. I guess it was relatively brief this once, but- still. Mizora's got to go.

Ah. And there's the goal.

I saw a post once discussing how, unlike Auntie Ethel, Mizora couldn't not give Wyll what he wanted and then take her price anyway, so she's doing all she can to take everything that would be personally rewarding for Wyll about what he achieved with his powers, and how much of his ability to keep going as a hero and not be reduced to miserable regret is just him resisting that as hard as he possibly can, because regretting would mean Mizora gets what she wants.

So, here she is to wreck the life Wyll has used those powers to build for himself, even if, actually, it's...probably going to make him less useful to her, at least on the Sword Coast. Given he's hunted in the Hells themselves, not so much there, but that isn't the point. The point, as always with these deals, is getting all the enjoyment out of it that she possibly can.

This is where the Jaskier comparisons are coming in, because I think one of the first things Thoradin is going to do after all this is sit down with Wyll and ask how he feels about having it put into song that the horns were a result of a devil punishing him for refusing to kill a mostly-innocent person. They don't have to put in the contract, he is quick to add. Mizora could just be a random devil who turned up to stir shit and present Wyll with the choice between his own glory and an innocent life in the sung version. But it's a way to spite Mizora a bit more, and a way for Wyll to keep the life he's fought for.

(I do hope there are bard answers later on that let you do songwriting - even if not explicitly songs to bolster companions' reputations. There aren't many class-specific romance options I've seen, but being able to write songs about your partner feels perfect for a bard.)

[londonspirit]

No day but today...

... rather apt today. 

Just saw the German version of RENT this afternoon, and it was amazing! (Go and see if you can.) 

Never wrote my New Year’s note this late on the day. (Didn’t really feel like doing it at all today but then -as always- i just started and here we are!) 

What a fucking year! What a FUCKED up year. What a GREAT year.  As always lately, it’s been all over the place. 

2023. 

The year our mom died. The year we lost the last family member that’s not a sister. Now we’re truly on our own. It still hurts, mostly because of the holidays. You get through the loss, especially if you don’t really have time to properly grieve because you have to take care of soo many things, dissolve the place your parents (and you) lived for the past 40 years, take care of all the things that need to be done, and say goodbye to being your parent's child.

Fuck, just writing this is painful as fuck. But hey, it’s New Year’s Eve - last day of the year, reveling in all the things that happened, so tears are very much allowed.

So yeah, losing mom was just horrible but as always with me there’s a BUT. 

There were the most beautiful friends that got me through this. The most wonderful souls that helped me deal with a loss nobody should go through and yet we all have to. 

I love you all so fucking much, you have no idea!!! Thank you for being there for me. 

Seeing Robbie Williams live again was an amazing start to the year. That man's never been happier on a stage and it showed. (Which is funny, sometimes things come rather late in life!)

Seeing the usual suspects at Fed Con is always the highlight of my year! And this year even more so! 

There were six glorious summer days in London. Meeting and hugging friends, enjoying the most beautiful city, exhibitions and theatre; and seeing one of the most hilarious people who I’ve NEVER thought I’d ever see live. (Stumbling into the MI premiere on my way to the Rhys gig was just a cherry on top of a rather epic gig already!). Hearing the wonderful Elliot Page read from and talk about his book was inspiring as hell; and seeing the lovely Toheeb Jimoh giving a breathtaking Romeo just rounded up a much much needed London trip. 

Here’s hope I’ll be back very soon - it’s been too damn long again. 

Spending a much needed and way too short day on the beach with my darling sister? Fucking priceless - I didn’t even know I needed that as much as I did. We’re definitely doing that again!!! I’ve forgotten how fucking healing the ocean is. 

Speaking of ocean: MORE PIRATES!!! Yes, of course there’s them, to help and heal some more, giving me back all the SQUEE and FEELS that can make the shitty things just a tad better!!! Here’s to an announcement for  Season 3 VERY SOON!!! We (read: the world) NEEDS more queer pirates to brighten our dark days!!! There's NOTHING BETTER to keep one's spirit high!

And another thing I NEVER thought may happen, just fucking happened. Going to Amsterdam with a dear friend for a gig (and some dutch culture) and then just hanging about for shits and giggles because we didn’t have anything else planned for the night. And then actually MEET the loveliest Noah Reid, TALKING to him, thanking him for coming over and getting pics with him? Yeah well, nothing I had on my 2023 bingo card. 

But then again, NOTHING that happened this year was on there so yeah… 

Losing our beloved family cat also hit very hard but he was old and ill. And he had a very loving home despite having to move so there’s that. I still miss the pitter patter of his paws and his enraged meow’s at 5 in the morning. (Yes, there will be a new one - soon. I just want to renovate first!) 

But it’s also the small things that made this year not entirely horrible. 

Random greeting cards, texts and calls from dearest friends to cheer me up. You guys don't even know how much i love you all! I hope I can repay you ALL this coming year because you fucking deserve the freaking world!!!

Spending time with my sister and forgetting the world for one glorious sun-filled, salt-tasting afternoon in the sea. 

Chats and zooms with beloved friends, giggling about silly things and trying to keep each other going through the hard times but also the good. 

Looking back at 2023 with about an hour to go, at home, calm and cozy in bed, waiting for midnight (slightly tipsy because WINE!), is something new for me. Usually we’ve been to the parents for Christmas and New Year’s.  Now we have to come up with something new, something for US, and we will. Next year. For now I can’t wait to see the backend of 2023. 

I have high hopes for 2024. 

Seeing more friends, the ones I haven’t seen in a while, and the ones I see on a regular basis. Because there’s nothing more important than the people around you, keeping you going, holding you when shit goes down and cheering you on when good things happen. 

Traveling more, without the worries which will be a change.

Maybe…finally going to see the Bestie on HER home turf (haven’t told her that one yet, but that’s a thing I want to do!).  

So… 

That’s the annual look-back. Tears were shed writing this, but there were also smiles. Because in the end the only things that matter are the memories we make - good AND bad. 

Again: No Day But Today. 

Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them. Make amends if you need to. End things that needs to be ended. Live your life to the fullest because we all only have this one life.

Make it count, people. Make it fucking count!!! 

Happy New Year. May 2024 be a fantastic one! May it be peaceful and happy, with all the wonderful things still to come!!! 

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Idea 1: Vanessa quits her job

This idea is based on my interpretation that the Vanessa we see in Security Breach isn't really her; it's Vanny controlling her. Vanessa's consciousness is there, but all that she can do is just watch, like viewing your own life through an old television.

So after the 3-star ending, Vanessa would be left with a job that requires skills that "she" technically never had. She can't just pull up Vannys memories (which i have her being able to do because extra pain :D) because the memories of how to do that job are suspiciously gone, almost as if they were taken by Vanny just before she "left" as a final "f*ck you :D" to Vanessa.

So now all Vanessa has left are her own memories of watching herself push random buttons that do random things. It would be like trying to learn how to fly a plane solely by watching someone else do it.

Vanessa also realizes that she'd have to still assist lost children after hours, a thought that truly scares her. It's not because she doesn't like children, no. In fact, I believe Vanessa used to work really well with children due to her former position as a video game tester/coder.

It is also stated in the game in one of the logs that you can find that she was not recommended for a position as a security guard, so it just makes sense for her to leave afer being freed.

So she would put in her 2 weeks notice, but not before working out some special deal with the plex that allows her and Greg the gremlin of chaos to visit the pizzaplex whenever they want and for any length of time.

As for what job she would try to go back to? It would be her old job of beta testing and coding. She was evidently very good at it based on those cut AR emails. It might sound like tempting fate, but I think that Vanessa would be a heck of a lot more careful this time if she was put back on the VR project. That assumes that the project is still even active.

That way she can make sure that what happened to her, never happens to anyone again.

Hm okay a few things here

Yeah I can see Vanny wiping important memories for shits and giggles. That'd be good.

I don't think being a game developer/tester is really going to benefit you in working with kids though. Knowing what makes a good game doesn't necessarily mean you know how to deal with and handle kids. She really doesn't give me the parental or fun babysitter vibe at all but to each their own. You do you buddy this is only my opinion ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I believe the log implied that she hadn't been a security guard at a place of that size, so maybe she could downgrade to a smaller establishment that she's actually experienced enough to handle? I dunno. I love the idea of her going back to the Help Wanted team to take on Glitchtrap and make sure those logs never see the light of day again. She was saved so surely there's something she can do to save everyone else as well, right?

And hey, if people are dying of fucking paper guillotines in the development offices then yeah they probs are running out of people to hire on. She could probably get back in on that.

This is neat stuff buddy!

[waterforlorn]

day ten. october 16th.

so, it's been a few days. i'm still feeling a little … weird about not sitting down to write for.. days. but i said i'd push my limit and i did. i… didn't kill anybody. so there's that. nico didn't complain about sharp comments, so .. either he's afraid or i didn't make any. long days, i don't really remember EVERYTHING i said anymore.

i've been driving mostly, which gives nico hours … on hours to ramble at me about the most random little things he sees. OR LITTLE HISTORY SNIPPETS. i don't mind like… per se, just.. man, he talks a damn lot. and sometimes he looks at me like he expects me to comment and then i either just confirm what he said or i admit i have NO fucking clue what he goes on about all day long.

do couples ever break up cause one partner's too dumb for the other? probably. or maybe he's too smart. yeah, that sounds more like it. what a fucking nerd. why am i even with him? we're from different worlds. he had a perfect little family growing up. i got shit all. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. i know he hurts, too. i can see it on him sometimes, but he'd really good at hiding it. better than me… for sure, but that doesn't mean he isn't suffering. maybe that's why we found each other. cause i know that when he's with me the pain goes away and i think… he feels the same? i haven't dared asking. i don't wanna find out it's one-sided. and it's fucking ridiculous, cause i never wanted to depend on someone who isn't ME.

hell, i didn't even wanna have to rely on myself most of the time. although, i wanna say that i did okay with the rotten-ass goddamn apples life threw at me.

uh, right. my day.. emotions… thoughts.

i know there's worse than me, but i truly wish i could keep up with his brain. AT LEAST A LITTLE. so that when he rambles.. i can make some sense of it and comment. no fucking idea how he can have ALL THAT SHIT stored in his head. like he eats books for breakfast. i think he's gonna find out sooner or later he's fucking an idiot and he's gonna reconsider spending his life with said idiot. that's my thoughts alright. i know i'm biased kinda. i know i'm seeing it worse than it is cause it's ME we're talking about. i'm .. working on that.

emotions? can't say. worried i guess, but i'm trying not to let that weird gut-wrenching feeling take over. wouldn't help anyway. worrying isn't gonna make it go away. if he wants to find someone else, he should. i'm gonna be fine. REALLY. fuck him if he does, though. he started this shit and he knew i wasn't smart. so yeah, fuck him in advance. otherwise? i'm fine. not a lot has been happening, so.. i'm fine. kinda curious where nico wants to go next. so far we're back on the interstate.

my day… driving. lots of driving. it's .. calming. or maybe that's nico's presence. i feel calmer when he's there, probably why i like sharing my bed with him. peaceful nights.

i dunno when i'll sit down to write again, but ..i will when we did something other than drive and talk. what a strange thing to write down. i remember my early books, so full of rage. i didn't know how to contain it, although i'll admit writing it down helped deal with it at the time, but i grew out of that. i guess i no longer need it.

[twopoppies]

i'm looking for pics of louis for something + made the mistake of googling "louis tomlinson 2015" + these tabloids were/are shit, ofc but it's so bitterly ironic how obviously fake & exaggerated these headlines were to push the narrative that louis was straight/couldn't survive without pussy. (it was physically painful for me to give these articles clicks. 0/10 would not recommend) like:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3055121/One-Direction-s-Louis-Tomlinson-takes-one-girl-room-SIX-hours-late-night-boozy-antics.html (mans didn't have 3 minutes to sleep/eat, but surely he had six hours to fuck a random girl)

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3052607/The-morning-night-1D-s-Louis-Tomlinson-looks-pleased-leaves-hotel-followed-sheepish-girls-invited-room.html (google headline: 'louis tomlinson looks pleased after he takes 5 girls into his room' like LMAO homie was just handing out NDAs like candy)

https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/louis-tomlinson-spotted-mystery-blonde-5502883 (headline 'louis tomlinson spotted with mystery blond days after eleanor calder shows there's no going back' mirror.co/management, have u considered that louis could maybe have a female friend? no? ok)

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3163208/Louis-Tomlinson-linked-four-different-girls-getting-Briana-Jungwirth-pregnant.html (cue oprah 'u get one! u get one! u all get one!' gif re: NDAs)

https://www.tmz.com/2015/04/23/louis-tomlinson-partying-women-hotel-photos-one-direction/ (headline: 'louis tomlinson once, twice, three times a player' insert 'sure jan' gif here)

i'm not saying that famous ppl don't have groupies + orgies, bc they do! but perhaps the most ironic thing is that for every 1 headline like those, there's at least 2-3 ab larry. harry had to deal w these headlines too, but that's broadly talked ab along w how gross + dumb they are. i feel like louis' aren't talked ab nearly as much. to get punished like this for demanding + fighting that ur bandmates get treated like human beings by ur management/label? homie is truly a super human. sorry this is so long just needed to talk ab how unsurprising yet enraging it was to look through. the gaslighting? insane. just blowing smoke right up our asses lol peace luv hollywood

Oh but we talked about it a ton back then. It was all so ridiculous and obviously fake. No one believed he was hooking up with groups of girls.

And while we didn’t get it then, it’s so clear now how they were taking the narrative of Louis who stays home with his girlfriend 24/7 and changing it to build up the party boy Louis narrative so the conception of Freddie would be bought by the idiots who believe everything.

[youcantbesirius]

WHEN WE WERE YOUNG | S. B.

Pairing: Sirius Black x reader, platonic Regulus Black x reader

Warnings: swearing, plot changes, character death

Y/h - your house

Sirius watched the y/h halfblood witch sit on the table in the courtyard taking a crispy stick from her Hufflepuff friend putting it in between her lips imitating smoking. And as she let the puff of imaginary smoke go a smile broke on her lips as her shoulders shook likely. Her laugh was one of the most contagious things ever. The way you wheezed in bits of your laughter made even the coldest person crack up.

As your eyes met his, his world seemed to stop. He was loosening his tie seemingly short for breath. You, on the other hand, hopped off graciously and hopped over to the young Gryffindor wrapping your arms around him.

"Sirius! Long time no see" you chuckled as you swayed him from side to side.

"Hi..." he chuckled resting his chin on top of your head.

It was quite funny how the noble heir of the Black family was with the halfblood witch. Yet, it made perfect sense. Your mother was a nanny for the Black brothers. And you were simply there, helping her make some money after she was cast out of the pureblood community for being with a muggle.

Walburga and Orion were hard people. But they paid no attention as long as you were doing what you were told. (Depending on your house) They were, however, very pleased that Slytherin got such a talent. And then your mom found better job at the ministry and your time with the Blacks was over. Regulus and Sirius were your best friends and not being able to see them much was painful.

"I haven't seen you much since the sorting ceremony..." you stated in concern. You knew better than anyone what it must be like for him.

"Yes...I, you know how my parents are" Sirius's hands found yours. Both of you, touch starved kids found solace in your hand holding.

"To the dogs with them as my mum would say" you scoffed looking deep into his eyes "you know I am always there for you, both my mum and I are" and he nodded at your statement smiling softly.

As a friendly, defying in spite attitude, you showed that your attitude was very different than the most. You didn't have to be talented at divination to forsee what type of person would you become.

And the years went by, you were still very much the same, if not even harder. Many things happened, you matured quickly and with it stress came. Sirius and you drifted apart a bit. You were a bad girl of your own and he was a bad boy of his own. The only person who truly knew you inside out other than him was Regulus Black, your guardian angel.

"Lay off the alcohol, y/n/n" Regulus took the bottle from your hands handing it to your Hufflepuff best friend to take.

"I need to let loose, Reg, I need to..." you were leaning your forehead against his chest struggling to stand.

"I know..." he looked around catching the sight of his womanizer brother. Sirius's face, even though tipsy, held so much concern.

In a few quick steps he approached them, ditching his previous conquest. His hand landed on the small of your back as he turned to his brother.

"What's wrong?" Sirius looked down at his friend who was struggling.

"Her mother was hurt, bad this time" Regulus whispered.

"Shit..." Sirius closed his eyes.

"Well, that is the wonder of being an auror, never home, never there but it brings money and might leave your kid an orphan" you spoke bitterly.

And for that reason Sirius decided the Potters were better choice. They had money and he would only burden your mom, not to mention his parents would kill you both if you were to take him in.

"Fucking hell..." Sirius moved the hair away from your face that was still resting on Regulus.

"Let's take her to her dorm" he said to Regulus.

Next morning was probably the worst. Your head seemed like it was about to explode. You shifted on your bed only to meet the eyes of your amused dorm mate.

"I could not believe it when Black brothers brought you up. Like I wasn't so surprised seeing Regulus, but Sirius too. Damn baddie" she chuckled as you silently rubbed your face.

Hogsmeade day, you thought. You cleaned yourself up, ditching your uniform and grabbed your leather jacket. Your rock style was very much refreshing to the school. Tight grey jeans, chain, baggy tucked in t shirt with some random band you loved and of course your black leather jacket. You did your makeup to hide the evidence of last night and decided it was time. So upon arriving you sat on the table in Hogsmeade park, your feet resting on the bench, a cigarette in between your lips to so desperately calm yourself.

Once cheerful, now surrounded by darkness of your aura, still touch starved in desperate need of love. You thought about your life. Of the goals you wanted to reach.

"Pads, I don't think it is a good idea" you could hear panicked Remus.

"Yeah, what if she throws hex at us" the squealing voice didn't help your migraine.

"I know her, Wormtail. She wouldn't" you heard Sirius's annoyed voice.

"Come on guys, what is the worst that could happen" James Potter said.

"Well, I am not sure if this is upgrade from when we were young or a downgrade. Your looks are definitely upgrade" Sirius smiled causing you to raise a brow.

"Are you flirting with me, dear Sirius?" You spoke even though cigarette was still between your lips, shuffling through your pockets to find that bloody lighter.

But Sirius beat you to it, lighting it for you.

"Thanks" you took a puff and looked at the group.

"We need your help" Sirius spoke taking your free hand in his. And just like when you two were young, you felt calmer, but there was something new. Adrenaline rush surged through your body.

"With what?" You took the cigarette out of your mouth looking at the rest of them, your eyes only meeting James's who quickly dropped the eye contact.

It happened with most of the boys. The only two that were able to maintain it, Black brothers.

"W-we heard you are outstanding with nonverbal magic and we need you to help us" Peter, you assumed, spoke but quickly hid behind Sirius as you looked at him.

"Peter, I don't shoot laser nor hexes out of my eyes, I won't hurt you" you stated annoyed.

"I suppose it has something to do with your problem, Rem" you looked at the boy who looked up at you in shock.

"How do you know?" He asked nearing closer to you.

"Animagus, mum thought it would be safer for me. Accidentally saw you guys on my run" you shrugged.

"Did you speak to anyone about it?" James asked.

"Do I look dumb to you? Of course not, your secret is safe with me, Rem" you looked at him and he met your look.

"Thank you so much" he smiled.

"What is your animagus?" Sirius asked "I am hurt you did not tell me"

"You weren't talking that much to me, lover boy. To answer your question it is (your patronus animal or your favorite animal)"

"Nice" James smiled.

As you were about to light another cigarette a hand quickly pulled it out of your mouth and you faced annoyed Regulus.

"No more for today" he scolded earning a laugh from his brother.

"Do we have a deal, (nickname used for your animagus form)?" He asked you as the boys began to leave.

"Mhm, meet me in the library after lunch" you winked at him and for a second you could swear you saw Sirius Black blush.

It was the last year. You and Reg drifted this time, due to his affiliation. Not that you did care about that, bit his excuse was "I am doing this to keep you safe, damn it!"

It was a painful goodbye that still tasted salty. The news of his death brought you more pain that anything ever did. But his heroic act was what brought Voldemort to be defeated and not be a threat ever again. As a part of the Order, your new friends, the Marauders and Lily and well Snape, it was funny how you two became friends. You sat both him and Lily down, locked them in a room, much to James's dismay until they sorted it out. You were in 12 Grimmauld place preparing to leave.

"Stay..." Sirius took your hands "Please..." he looked down at you, at your softly lips.

"Okay..." you whispered looking up at him licking your lips a bit.

"Can I-?" He gulped earning your quick nod.

"Yeah?" And it was the best kiss you ever had in your life, with your childhood friend, crush and the only man besides Reg, that you felt peace.

"Took you two long enough" is all you could hear Kreacher mutter.

Kreacher and you were close. Not only because of Regulus, but you would not let him overdo himself and would send him to rest.

You chuckled at the remark looking up at Sirius.

"Glad to have your blessing, Kreacher" he smiled at the muttering house elf who went to his chamber.

"Now that we are alone..." Sirius smiled leaning back in to give you a long kiss.

"You are insatiable, Sirius" you giggled.

"Don't pretend you don't like it " he cornered you against the table lifting you up on it.

Your love was very affectionate, full of touching, almost like you were attached to a hip. That is why ever since you were younger you were comfort for each other, you were safe haven, you were made for each other.

And after years, there you stood with him watching your children run around with your godson Harry, laughing at James who ran after them trying to get them inside to eat. You looked at Lily who was shaking her head.

"Remus and Severus will be here soon" she notified.

"Good. Haven't seen my touch starved, sarcastic friend in a while" you gave Lily a look making her chuckle.

"Hugs for Severus and chocolate for Remus it is then"

You got old together, had many memories you decided to store. The funniest being you becoming grandparents. Sirius broke into a fit of sobs seeing his first grandchild.

"See dad, now you represent your initals S.O.B." your son Regulus teased.

"Shut up" Sirius hiccup looking at the little princess of the Black family.

"Maybe her dad won't be as protective as her grandfather will be" your daughter Arabella laughed.

"Oh no boys until 20!" Sirius hugged you as you laughed at him.

"Tsk, you are in position to talk you womanizer" you teased.

"See! I AM! Because I know boys are scumbags, I speak from experience!" He said.

"What if she likes girls Sirius?" You teased.

"Same goes, you were a bad girl!" He attacked your cheeks with kisses earning an ew from your children

"WHEN WE WERE YOUNG!" you protested.

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[allmycrushesaredead]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23972851

Broadway Here I Come

Summary:

Roman questions his worth and needs some solace before it's too late

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, self-esteem issues, crying

ANGST!! You have been warned!

This is my first published fic! It was originally published on 05-02-2020

Words: 1608

Chapters: 1/1

Roman sank out of Thomas' living room into the mindpalace.

They didn't understand. Janus was a bad guy ! He was the embodiment of deceit! How could they trust that…that snake over him? 

As Roman's mind raced, he found himself at the base of his tower in the mindpalace. Glancing up at the stoney heights of his creation, Roman opened the giant wooden doors with a thought, pacing around the entrance, raking his hands frustratedly through his hair.

After a moment of thought, he took off up the stoney steps, climbing to the highest tower. He needed to get away from the others, he couldn't think, he couldn't do this anymore. 

As he stepped into the small room, adorned with warm lights and soft pillows and lounge chairs, he thought again about today's discussion.

Overwhelmed, Roman slammed his fist into the nearest wall, ignoring the twinge of pain that shot through his hand.

How was he supposed to deal with the information presented in yet another one of Thomas' endless perils? How was he supposed to deal with the fact that the line between right and wrong was not so definite as it had always been? How was he supposed to feel about Patton and Thomas' immediate acceptance of Janus? Did they not still suspect that he would turn against them? And how was he supposed to deal with the fact that Thomas deep down didn't want to help others, and that he was the reason for that? 

Should Thomas die if it meant saving others?

Should Roman die for the good of the others? For the good of Thomas?

The other sides could fill in his role… Thomas had Remus for creativity now. Patton - Roman choked back a sob- Patton could handle the emotions, the love and passion. 

Love. 

Roman remembered Patton's face, his calm and caring look when he said, "Everything is going to be okay, kiddo. We love you."

Love.

They didn't truly love him. Not if they were willing to trust that liar over him. 

How many times had Janus impersonated another side?

How many times had he lied to Thomas?

How many times had he manipulated them into doing what he wanted?

And now, now he was doing the same thing, drawing them into a false sense of security, and then he would betray them, hurt them, do something to harm Thomas…

Deep down, somewhere inside of him, a little voice said that Janus was being genuine, that he was a good guy, that he truly wanted what was best for Thomas.

Angrily, Roman shoved that voice down.

No. No, that couldn't be right.

Everything that Thomas, everything that Roman had been raised to believe said that the good guys were the ones who were loyal, and true, and willing to help others. That made Janus a bad guy. 

He was the embodiment of lies! How could someone like that be good? 

No, goodness was truth, and compassion, and empathy.

Well, then that made Roman a bad guy. He had just proven, once again, that he was unwilling to trust others, unwilling to see the best in others, unwilling to see past the label that was placed on them.

Well, maybe the labels were flawed. 

Roman was supposed to be the hero, the prince who slays the dragon witch and saves the poor innocent villagers from destruction, the good guy.

Yet, he had been rude and hateful once again to a side who attempted to candidly reveal their name.

Sure, Roman had been in the midst of absolutely losing his shit and spiraling into a full-on mental breakdown, but that didn't give him an excuse to be so rude.

He had provoked Patton even further into spiraling out of control by demanding an answer to a question that didn't have an easy right answer. He made Patton question his own goodness because he couldn't choose between saving Thomas' life or a group of innocents. He could see that Patton was spiraling, could see that it was not going to end well, could see that he was hurting him by questioning him further, but he still pressured him for an answer.

If that wasn't something that characterised a bad guy, then, well, he didn't know what to believe anymore.

Hell, he couldn't even believe that he was a good guy just because he did good things, not if he did them for the wrong reasons.

Roman didn't even know what was right and wrong at this point. 

All he knew was that he was the problem. He was Thomas' passions and desires, and that was getting in the way of Thomas wanting to help others.

He was getting in the way of Thomas' being satisfied and content after doing something for another person. He was getting in the way of Thomas' happiness….

His whole purpose was to motivate Thomas and to get him to where he wanted to be in life.

He had failed at both.

He was worthless, broken, horrible….

He had to go.

He couldn't stick around if it meant being a detriment to Thomas and his mental health. 

Thomas didn't need Confidence who was lacking self-confidence.

Roman was broken, a useless tool to be thrown out when it no longer works. What was the point of a dull knife, or a dead flashlight, or a ripped paper?

….What was the point of a hero that doesn't want to help others, or a hero that only does it in search of some sort of reward?

Roman took a shaky breath, dragging a hand over his face.

If he wanted Thomas to be happy, he needed to remove himself from the picture.

Walking over to the window, he gazed down into the imagination, into the streets he had designed to resemble Broadway. He gazed at the people so far below, all so happy and content. If Roman wasn't making Thomas feel like that, then why was he even here?

As Roman stared at the street beneath him, he was reminded of the song he had put on his playlist for Thomas to release to the Fanders, Broadway Here I Come. Such a deceivingly soft song for the story it told. 

Roman choked back another sob, stuffing a fist in his mouth to muffle the broken noises escaping him. Steeling his courage, he opened the window and stepped into the stoney windowsill.

I'm high above the city

I'm standing on the ledge

The view from here is pretty

And I step off the edge

Roman felt cold and numb as he slowly lifted a foot off the ledge, leaning forward into the wind, feeling it caress his face and body. The tears were flowing freely now, and he didn't attempt to stop them. There was no point in that anymore.

Just as he felt himself begin to fall, he felt a hand grip onto his sash and yank him back into his room.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Princey?!" Virgil demanded, slamming the window shut and getting nose to nose with the royal side.

Roman stumbled back in shock at the side's sudden arrival. 

After a moment of silence, Virgil repeated himself. "I said, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," he pleaded, concern etched on his face. 

Roman didn't respond, opting rather to stare at the stones underneath his feet.

"Please, Roman, talk to me. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on." 

Virgil took a step forward, only to be met with Roman's retreat, backing up several steps for Virgil's one.

"Stop- please, just… don't. Please."

Virgil nodded, retreating to his prior position. "Please, Roman. Just tell me why you're doing this. Thomas needs you, we need you-"

"You don't need me. I'm holding Thomas back from being happy, I'm failing at my job!"

Roman fell to his knees, letting out a sob. He couldn't take this, couldn't do this, couldn't keep up this cover, this idea that he was bulletproof, this idea that he could face any challenge and come out of it unscathed. He had hid his true feelings for too long, had pretended that the blows from the other sides didn't hurt, that he was okay, that he wanted to keep living like this, that he wanted to keep living in general. 

Through the tears that filled his eyes, he saw Virgil kneel in front of him. Sniffling, he looked up at the purple-clad side.

Virgil held out his arms, a soft glistening of tears in his eyes. 

Letting out another sob, Roman threw himself into the embrace, clutching at Virgil's hoodie like a lifeline, his face buried in the side's chest. The royal side felt a hand lace through his hair, scratching gently at the silky strands, while another hand rubbed comforting circles on his back.

Virgil didn't ask for an explanation, didn't ask for him to talk, didn't say anything, opting rather to hum a random tune above his head. 

Between the buzz of Virgil's voice from his chest and the feeling of his hands gently scratching and rubbing at his skin, Roman slowly felt himself calming down, the tears slowing to a trickle, then stopping, his heartbeat reducing its pace from frantic and pounding to calm and steady.

Things were by no means resolved, that would take lots of talking with the other sides and Thomas, but, at least for now, he felt valued, at least by one of the sides. He felt safe, no longer spiraling and careening into despair. 

For now, he was alright.

He was home.

[mittensmorgul]

OMG. California scenes. I'm a SoCal girl and I just realized that this... is true. I think of myself as guarded, but wow. I think I've actually sat down and opened up to a relative stranger over lunch and then coffee. But I don't do it to seem centered! Anyway, gotta go back and look over my unpublished fics and make sure that I don't accidentally put too much of myself into them...

hi there! I swear I’m gonna write a bit about your message, but for reference, for others reading this, I think I need to provide a bit of context first. :) This is regarding this post about writing exposition:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/190756281185/cthonical-gallifrey-feels-fanfic-authors

Disclaimer time! I reblogged it specifically for that highlighted bit at the top:

And my specific intent in reblogging this was every complaint I ever read about why Dean and Cas don’t just ~talk to each other~ and deal with their issues. Every single “but they could’ve dealt with this years ago and been together!” I will counter “No, they really couldn’t! Because that’s not the story they’ve ever been telling!” 

But, I’ve heard argued, if they really wanted to, they could change the story they’re telling. They could so easily make it obvious, explicit, textual between them. And of course they could! If they had zero authorial integrity, they could do whatever they wanted.

The way they have set up this story for the last decade and a half has established-- through the slow unfolding of more and more important facts, of gradually uncovering details, as above in purple, that become necessary for comprehension of the characters and their progression through this story-- that Dean’s relationship with Cas has been established in an ever tighter orbit around their mutual most deeply buried and tightly guarded secrets.

For reference, I’m not pulling this line of thinking out of nowhere. This is literally a rephrasing of something Davy Perez said in an interview when he first started with SPN back in s12. I never finished transcribing that podcast, but the relevant bit of the two hour conversation is included in this post:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160988290690/12-while-i-do-not-ask-this-to-be-negative-at

but the tl;dr of the handful of paragraphs of full context from that post:

Television is about a character that you become invested in, and that you fall in love with. That character grows in incremental ways. Not only do they grow in tiny little increments, and sometimes don’t even grow, they go backwards. You don’t close the loop. You keep the loop open, so that hopefully when you know that okay, this is our final season, this is our final run of episodes, that’s when you can find those landing points, and that’s when you can sort of say this is the end of this journey.

And Supernatural has been narratively riding around on that loop, on that spiral, for 15 years. And this is now the final season, and they’re gliding toward those landing points now. They’re homing in on those “painful truths the characters don’t want known,” those huge personal issues they’ve all been grinding down over the last 15 years and inching ever closer to unveiling. Because that’s how stories work when authors are writing to the narrative rather than writing instant gratification for a fickle audience. If one thing has been consistent over the years, it has been this progression of character. And Dabb era has chosen to lampshade all of this in text, through Chuck the Original Author.

And that is effectively the exact writing advice from this random post about how to write a believable and engaging story that has been all over my dash over the last few days. Like... the irony, right?

So now that I’ve explained my vagueing with this post, I’d be happy to address your actual question, from the rest of that page of writing advice. Thank you for bearing with me... :’D

I’d venture to say that the description of that sort of “identity info dump” that the article described as “California scenes,” where characters just spill their deepest secrets, isn’t always a negative thing. And it’s not a phenomenon exclusive to California, or borne of a need to prove someone’s authenticity, or angst cred, or whatever. Because it’s something we see happening on the internet, too.

And it’s absolutely something you can USE in your writing. I find it hilarious because it’s actually a major theme of my pinefest fic this year, which will be posting in April. Sorry I can’t point everyone to it yet, or really give too many spoilers... other than trying to explain this phenomenon.

Social media creates a weird sort of culture of identity. There was a post on tumblr years ago that explained it rather well. It said something to the effect of “in real life you meet people and slowly feel them out and reveal your deepest secrets only to a select few people after they already know your whole life story, but on the internet you’re just a screen name and an avatar and you might reveal your deepest secrets without any of the people who read them even knowing your NAME or what you look like or anything else about you.”

Because it’s not about complete open honesty, you know? It’s about understanding what carefully selected bits of information you present in a given circumstance. It’s social engineering.

Revealing your deepest desires or darkest secrets is an entirely different prospect when, say, sitting with a new acquaintance over a cup of coffee face to face or with a coworker in the break room than it is in an anonymous internet chat room. And it can be fascinating to understand what we’re willing to reveal about ourselves in these very different circumstances.

And once you sort through that sort of character analysis, you can write a truly believable and entirely in-character info dump like that without it feeling like an info dump. Because what the character chooses to reveal about themselves in a given situation can be as informative of the character and their relationship to the other characters as the details of what they say.

So, I guess the takeaway here is the reminder that you should still take all writing advice with a grain of salt, and remember that it’s not a blanket rule and all these “California scenes” should be excised in order for your story to be good, you know? If you know your characters well enough, they can be strategic moments of character insight, or even a complete misdirect. The key is to be aware you’re writing one, and then use it to illustrate a character’s weakness, or strength, or the dynamic of the relationship being exposed, rather than being a strict infodump of facts. Because infodumps are always boring if that’s actually the scene you’re writing and there isn’t a deeper layer of understanding going on or a deeper insight for the reader to gain.

Lol, this reminds me of another quote about writing that’s perfectly related:

“If the story you’re telling, is the story you’re telling, you’re in deep shit.” Robert McKee

If the only thing the reader takes from a scene is the words coming out of the characters’ mouths, you done screwed up... That’s why so many of these California scenes are just bad writing. They serve no other purpose than telling the reader a series of details about the characters’ backstories and fail to provide any deeper insight. The key to writing a GOOD scene is make it less a backstory catch-up bit of filler text, and more about what the characters aren’t revealing, or why they’re revealing any of this information in the first place. Because “to inform the reader of these facts” is never a good enough reason for a character to spill their guts like that.

[outcast-thingz]

Pairing: Nonbinary (Yuki) x Male (Thomas) Two random characters I came up with (once again thank you @red-riot-rat for the names)

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life to you gets cheated on? Taking them camping and have the closest time either of you have ever had of course. And maybe.. just maybe confess your crush?

Warnings: fluff, casual cussing, mahbe some angst.., did I mention fluff

Inspiration:

Whispering Wishes

       "He what!?" Yuki's nostrils flared as listens to his friend's recent woes, "first that jealous good for nothing breaks your heart and now this idiot stands up a stud like you?! You really shouldn't waste your eyes on jealous guys, fuck that noise" 

"Yuki, I'm okay really they were just some stupid guys." Thomas's weary voice came through the phone that Yuki put on speaker.

"You're right sweetness, they are stupid guys. However, one of them is a stupid guy you loved and spent three years with and the other is an asshole who stood you up last night." Forcing themself to take a deep breath Yuki calms. "Okay, okay… I got chu~" their voice became soft and sweet like the gentle strumming of a ukulele. "Pack yourself a bag Thomas. Make sure you got enough clothes for at LEAST three or four days, oh and don't forget swimming trunks!" They smile as they start to pack.

"Wha..what for?" Thomas sniffled.Yuki sighed, 

"Listen, it's clear to me you need a pick-me-up, I'll be there in twenty five" 

"I-.. okay, Yuki." The phone call ends.

       Within ten minutes Yuki packed clothes, snacks, drinks, and camping stuff into his pickup truck. Truthfully most of it was pre-packed since Yuki planned on surprising Thomas with a camping trip anyways.

"I hate that this happened to him but at least I have an excuse to see him now." They told themself. The pickup truck roars upon the key being turned. "I know precious," Yuki patted the dashboard, "you get your wish today. We're going on a road trip." They roll out and spend the next fifteen minutes driving to Thomas's place. 

       *knock, knock, na-na-knock, knock knock* Yuki played their knuckles on Thomas's door. 

He opens the door and greeted them, "Ba, da-da da da, da Da… Hello Yuki." It hurt Yuki to see bags under his best friend's eyes. Self guilt cloaked itself with a luke-warm smile and pulled on the strings around Yuki's heart. Without missing a beat they wrapped their arms around Thomas. "I-... I" his lips tremble, "Please Yuki. I don't want to cry right now," he held back the river that rammed against the damn he built. He could feel the care from a dear friend chipping its way at his damn; if yuki kept this up much longer Thomas was bound to cry and wasn't sure he'd ever stop. Yuki sighed and back from the hug allowing their hands to slip down his arms. They curled Thomas's fingers holding them gently.

"Sorry, I guess you could say I like to push my luck." Yuki jokes. Thomas surprised both of them when he giggled. Yuki smiled, "are you all packed?" He nodded, "Good. I'll get the bags and then you can take my hand, lets take a drive!" They insisted. Soon enough the two left hand in hand.

       This is something Yuki was waiting for, 

'I've been living in the future; hoping I would see you sooner' they thought to themself. Every so often Thomas offers to drive but every time Yuki would shake their head, "we may have the gps but you don't know where we're going, it's a surprise. So, I want you riding shotgun." After a few minutes of silence Thomas sighs. "What's up, buttercup?" They ask and place their free hand on Thomas's closest hand. He holds his best friend's hand with both of his.

"Yuki, why-... why do you choose to stay my friend?" He hesitates as if he is afraid of the answer. Yuki frowns internally, it hurts them to know some jerk got under their best friend's skin.

'Oh Thomas… he still has a hold on you. Nothing can change the fact that in my eyes you are the love of my life.' They smile and gently squeezes Thomas's hands.

"Becuse, I knew when I got one right," Yuki turns their head, "what'da'ya say we fall in love for the night and forget in the mornin?" They turn back to the road. The two of them laugh since it seems like Yuki was joking.

"I'll make you a different deal, how about get some music going? I'm being a total party pooper so Play me a song that you like; you can bet I'll know every line!" Thomas challenges and Yuki accepts. They watch Thomas from the corner of their eye. After a few song pass Yuki could see Thomas relax more and truly enjoy the ride. It made Yuki happy to see the love of their life forgetting about their pain and feeling free again.

'I'm the [person] that your boy hoped that you would avoid; don't waste your time on jealous guys; fuck that noise! Thats right you asshole, I know how to make him forget all about you. But I know better than to ever call [him] mine… I suppose by taking Thomas away from people like this doesn't make me any better than the jealous ex..'

       After spending half the day driving the giggling duo reaches their destination.

"A camping area?" Thomas moves his lips to one side as he furrows his brows.

"Mhmm!" Yuki nods and gets out of the car, "Not just any camping area, the one-"

"The one we met at, yeah, I recognize it now. You're family was set up in the camping area by the river next to ours." Thomas reflects as he stares at the familiar surroundings. A spark of joy lights in his eyes once again. He walks over to his best friend and hugs them, "Thank you, Yuki. You're amazing." 

"Nope, you're amazing. If it wasn't for you coming on the camping trip I would have left with my mom"

"You're just saying that-" Thomas stops abruptly. Yuki had pulled themself away from the hug, and placed their hands on either side of his face. Determination, that was all Thomas could see.

"No. I'm not." Yuki states, "before you getting along with others was hard for me but you took time to know me, understand me. I lo-... I love our friendship." 

'I'm and Idiot! Why don't I just confess my undying love right now!?... stupid' 

For a moment Thomas was stunned. Soon enough he was laughing, leaving Yuki puzzled.

"And I thought I was the grateful one. I think you've changed life for me just as much as I've changed life for you. I'm not sure what I would do without you Yuki." He takes their hands off his face and wraps his arms around Yuki. There it was again, that bittersweet feeling; they loved him so damn much but knew they could never have them.

       Thomas and Yuki spend a few days out camping. They hike the surrounding area, jump in the freezing river, regret it and warm up by the fire, and just talk themselves to sleep. Each day was filled with smile Yuki loved to see, the laugh they love to hear, scent of pine needles and campfires they loved to smell, as well as, the gentle boops and forehead kisses they loved to feel.

*late at night on the trip's last night*

       "No! No don't apologize for that!" Yuki frantically waved their arms dismissively, "I love when you talk that nerdy shit!" He chuckles as Yuki just stare at those eyes that are lit with passion. They could stare at that forever. Thomas sighs and looks back at the clear sky

"We're in our twenties talking talking thirty's shit!" He jokes. Yuki copies his moves,

"Yeah but think about it.. with all that you know about astrology, even if we just do it as a side business we'll be makin' money but we're savin' it! Cause talking shit is cheap and we talk a lot of it!" they joke back.

Thomas promptly rises from his chair and marches over to his best friend. 

"You better take that back!" A wild grin graced his face, "Astrology is not shit! You take it back!" They raise a brow daringly with a smirk they couldn't help but show.

"Oh yeah and what are you gonna do about it? ~Tommy Bear~" they tease.

"That's it!!" Thomas proclaims before staring a tickle attack.

"AHH! NO HAHA NN-NO! HAHAH" Yuki playfully cries out between laughs. 'You won't stay with me I know; but your can have your way with me till you go.' 

"Okay. Okay. I take it back!" They manage to say. Thomas stops tickling and gives Yuki a peck on the for head.

"An apology for tickling too much." He states.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Yuki giggles. The man just shakes their head and sits on Yuki's lap. "Thomas wh-"

"Shhhh" he places a finger on their lips, "pillows don't talk." He leaves his head to the side, resting it atop Yuki's shoulder. "Although I did here some sing." He mutters.

Once again Yuki giggles, they couldn't get over how adorable the love of their life was.

'If all your kisses turn to bruises, then I'm a warning.' A twang upon their heart as they reminded all the forehead kisses they had been given. It was like someone flicking a bruise with a metal glove on. 

       "Let's fall in love for the night, and forget in then morning," They sing as they wrap their arms securely around their best friend and childhood crush, "Play me a song that you like you can bet I'll know every line… cause I'm the [person] that your boy hoped you avoid." They glance down to see Thomas already fast asleep. Still they continue, "Don't waste your time on jealous guys, fuck.. that.. nooiise…. I know better, I know better" they trail off into a hum 'I love you Thomas with every part of me but... I know better than to eevvver.. call you-oo miiine~..' Yuki gave Thomas a gentle kiss on his cheek before whispering as quietly as possible, "I love you, forever and always Thomas…" He stirs a bit in his sleep but nevertheless stays asleep. "Heh heh~" Yuki chuckles and leans their head against his quickly falling asleep.

The end

Taglist: @gayfanficanonymous @wow-she-a-h0e-for-aran (if you want to br added to the tag list let me know)

[thefactsofthematter]

can u please give the people.... "please don't do this, don't act like you care" for javid..... i crave The Pain......

ik you were hoping for angst penzy but i managed to find a way to make the line a lil fluffier, pls enjoy 🤪

javid; 1.6k; bonnie and clyde au (hopefully part one of several??)

-

Texas, 1930.

"Damn it! God damn it!"

David Jacobs kicks the back fender of his car in a fit of utter frustration, and then groans when that only manages to break something else.

"Fucking piece of shit car can't get me anywhere," he continues. "I oughta drive you straight to the dump, you good for nothing pile of trash!"

The engine is smoking— a problem David certainly doesn't know how to deal with— and he's a good few miles from home with the sun setting behind the horizon. He's still wearing his stupid work uniform and all he's got with him is the handful of pennies that he'd collected as tips today. He truly hasn't a clue what he's going to do.

He's not sure how long he stands there, just staring at the disaster of a car that probably ought to represent the state of his life, but he's suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by a voice from behind him.

"Havin' some engine troubles?"

He practically jumps out of his skin when he turns to see a random man, about his own age, walking up to him. He seems to have been walking along in the ditch next to the road, out of view of any vehicles driving past.

"That's a nice way to put it," sighs David, rolling his eyes, because this night couldn't possibly get any worse, so of course he might as well start talking to a random stranger on the side of the road. "Engine trouble, wheel trouble, oil trouble— you name it, I've probably got it."

The mystery man laughs, and Davey can't help but admire the way his eyes crinkle up.

"Say, would you let me take a look at it? If I can fix it, maybe you could spare a fella a ride to the next town. My own car's busted up past any chance of fixin' just a ways up on the next road over, an' I'd rather not have to walk all night."

Davey's heard plenty of advice from his mother about not trusting strangers, especially on this stretch of road that passes within less than a mile of a state prison— anyone could be an escaped convict!— but what choice does he really have? If this stranger were going to murder him, he certainly would have started doing so already.

"It's a deal," says David as he offers a hand to shake. "David Jacobs, it's very nice to meet you."

The stranger spits in his hand before shaking David's, and then laughs when David recoils in disgust.

"Jack Kelly. Sorry about that— that's how I do it with my pals at home, I s'pose it's an instinct now." He walks around to the front of David's car and pushes the hood open, whistling lowly under his breath as he inspects it. "This is some jam you've got yourself into here."

"Sure is," David sighs, leaning against the passenger side door and watching Jack start to tinker with the engine. "So where is this home where you spit all over each other's hands? I've never seen you around before."

Jack seems to panic a little as he hesitates to come up with an answer, which is incredibly suspicious. David's got a handgun hidden in his car just in case, if Jack ends up trying to rob him or something. This'll be fine, right?

"Not too far east of here," Jack finally replies, clearly being as vague as possible on purpose. "I'm headed out west, or rather, I was until my car got all busted. I might be in a sticky spot now, but I'm gonna be famous, y'know."

David can't help but laugh at the very notion of anyone from around here doing much of anything with themselves, let alone making it big. Jack is suddenly much less intimidating.

"Famous..." he chuckles. "I'm sure you are. How do you suppose you're gonna make that happen, Mister Ain't-Even-Got-A-Working-Car?"

Jack looks up from the engine to meet David's eyes and grins.

"I've got plans, you see. I've just gotta get to a town or something and hop on a train, and I'll be right back on track."

David can't help but smile sarcastically right back at him.

"Everyone's got plans. What makes you any different?" He's well aware of how cynical he sounds, but he can't really help it. "I planned to move to the big city and study music, and someday I was gonna hear my own records on the radio. Now I'm twenty-one and still waitin' tables in a diner in the same damn farm county where I grew up. Plans don't always work out."

Jack scoffs.

"That's where you're wrong, Davey. Sounds like you had dreams, but I've got a plan. I know exactly what I'm gonna do. And anyways, a face like yours ain't made for radio— you oughta be in the pictures. You look like a movie star, I swear. Ain't twenty-one too young to give up on your dream? Maybe you could come to Hollywood with me!"

David rolls his eyes, but he can't help the blush that springs to his cheeks. He has always dreamed of being in the movies, but he never quite had the confidence to commit to that one. The radio had seemed far more attainable.

"Don't do this," he sighs. "Don't act like you care about some random fella you just met and his stupid dreams. I've got no shot in Hollywood, or even with my music for that matter. What's your plan anyways? Hop on a train going west and see what happens?"

"Don't put yourself down, Davey, and hey— I most certainly have a real plan!" Jack seems far too confident, but he's got an air about him that makes David want to believe him. "I'm gonna take the train for a while, and then do a few jobs here and there to start gettin' rich. I'll get me a car that works, and before you know it, I'll be the next Billy the Kid. Trust me, it'll all fall into place."

David raises an eyebrow.

"Wasn't Billy the Kid a criminal?"

Jack feigns surprise, gasping dramatically and clutching his non-existent pearls.

"Well bless my heart, I suppose he was!" He laughs and straightens the cap on his head before looking back down to the engine. "What kinda jobs did'ya figure I meant? I'm gonna—"

He suddenly cuts himself off when a police siren begins to sound in the distance. He dives behind David's car, out of view of the road, and waits nervously there until the cops have sped past them.

"Are those sirens looking for you?" asks David, after a moment, as Jack tries to play it off like he'd just sat down to take a rest. He suddenly notices the metal ring on one of Jack's wrists, clearly from a busted pair of handcuffs… and the jumpsuit that he’d originally taken for mechanic’s coveralls very well could be a prison uniform. "Jesus, your car didn’t break down— you just broke outta jail, didn't you!?"

Jack just laughs sheepishly and rubs at the back of his neck.

"Maybe?" he chuckles, before jumping to his feet and raising his hands in surrender. "I really don't mean no harm! I just got sentenced the other day, and I can't spend two years rottin' in prison when I've got plans to get famous, so I had to run! All I need is a ride to a train station and I'll be outta your hair, honest."

David can't help but laugh a little. For an escaped criminal, Jack seems entirely harmless.

"What did you get arrested for, anyways?"

Jack seems somewhere in between proud and embarrassed when he begins to count the charges on his fingers as he lists them.

"Vagrancy, loitering, robbery, breaking and entering, escaping from a different jail when I was fifteen, shoplifting..." He shrugs. "I like to keep busy. Now let's pretend you never heard none of that, and I'll just keep workin' on this engine here? It should only take a couple more minutes and we can hit the road."

As Jack scrambles to keep working, David just watches him and lets his thoughts run wild. What if he were to go with Jack? He'd at least be getting off the farm, where he argues with his parents every day and then storms off to his tragedy of a job in town. He could at least try to make something of himself— Jack says he ought to be in movies, wouldn't that be a dream?

He can see it now: his name is on the marquee of the tiny theatre in town, and his parents are finally proud. He comes home for a visit and they're not even mad that he ran off with a stranger— it was worth it! Meanwhile, he's got all the riches he could possibly desire: he wears suits every day of the week and lives in a mansion on the beach. That's the life he deserves, so why not take a step to try and get it?

He sighs heavily and makes up his mind.

"You know what might be faster than driving this rust bucket to the next train station?" he asks, leaning onto the car and grinning at Jack, who looks up with a rather confused expression. "We use the handgun in my back seat to steal the next car that drives past, and we take off towards California."

Jack seems incredulous for a moment, but when David shrugs, as if to show he's not joking, his face lights up and he steps back from where he'd been working.

"I like how you think, Davey." Jack laughs almost giddily and claps his hands together. "I think we're going to make an excellent team. You and I will go down in history, I swear it."

[mianmimi]

Random question but I am interested in being a nurse, studying to become a professional nurse, I mean. If you have any advice, any do's and don'ts, that'd be wonderful. Thanks! You're a real life hero! People like you have inspired me to take this career and take college again after dropping out the first time. You're amazing!

Thank you so much for this Nonny, I super appreciate it! Not gonna sugar coat it, nursing school is extremely hard for a variety of reasons. But...it’s also super worth it! I just complied a few things I learned during that time. Hopefully it helps you out :) These are in no particular order btw.

***You gotta pick a school that’s organized. Please for the love of everything holy. This is your future, so take the time to investigate how organized the school is. I got a scholarship to the college I went to so I foolishly took it without even looking anywhere else. It was close to home and partially paid for but oh my god Nonny....it was extremely disorganized! We were being tossed into clinical settings without even getting a proper lecture about the place beforehand. I remember getting sent to a psych unit without being taught anything beforehand and the first patient I encountered immediately went off about demons. You can imagine how unprepared I was. Also they expected students to find their preceptorship placements, which is something that the school should have been responsible for! I highly suggest you choose a school that’s organized. It’s not about the name, it’s about how well they run the program.

***It’s okay to take time. I finished my RN. BSN degree in five years instead of four. And that’s okay! I literally cried when I had to take a semester off cause I couldn’t finish my preceptorship hours in time for the next semester. I’m telling you Nonny, I was completely crushed and furious. The only reason I didn’t get those hours in on time was due to the school’s disorganization (there it is again), since they couldn’t find placement for me and several others. It ended up being a blessing in disguise though. After I finished my preceptorship hours it was still early into the next semester, effectively giving me a huge break and plenty of downtime. I used the downtime to work, learn a new instrument, and just destress. I also asked my classmates for the syllabus to the class, giving me a head start. By the time I finally did the next semester it was a breeze since I did a lot of the papers ahead of time. Which leads to the next advice.

***Ask students a semester ahead of you for advice. Ask them how the professors are and what to expect, and any tips on how to survive. I also asked them for the syllabus so I could get ahead. If you become good friends with them, try asking for their notes and textbooks! It saves tons of money and usually people write notes on those books. You can also ask people who graduated from the same program if they can lend you uniforms. You’ll save soooo much money dearest Nonny.

***The clinical days will feel super long. It’s usually 12 hours on your feet Nonny, and rightly so since that’s the length of time a shift will be. Get good shoes. Take care of your feet. If your school insists on certain shoes like mine did, get them ahead of time and break them in. Don’t be like me thinking it would be okay to wear them for the first time during a 12hour shift. Don’t be a human blister.

***This is gonna be a group effort. Your classmates are gonna be your family for the next few years. Surround yourself with people that will support and help you. Don’t go for people who are gonna free load! Please don’t make that mistake. I did and ended up doing a ton of the work. It was frustrating. Find yourself a group of friends that you can trust and you can share work with. It’s gonna be a reflection of actual nursing tbh, so practice choosing your circle wisely.

***In terms of studying, everyone has a different style. With that said, your style may very well change during nursing school. You can’t just info dump for a passing grade. Nursing school isn’t just about raw facts. It’s about taking those facts and applying it. There’s gonna be a question and all the possible answers are correct...but which is the best? That’s what nursing school is gonna be like. Lots of critical thinking and constant learning. I highly suggest practicing lots and lots and LOTS of study questions. Practice NCLEX questions dear Nonny, so get used to them. Nursing school exams are basically prep for the real NCLEX, at least with my experience. So practice NCLEX style questions!

***You’re gonna meet some very bad nurses. It’s really awful to say, but there are some bad ones out there. I’ve had them as preceptors, teachers, and coworkers. It’s a small percentage but it’s enough to ruin the experience. However....don’t let them get you down Nonny! Learn from people who want to teach you! Nurses eat their young and it sucks. But there’s also lots of nurses who nurture newer ones and take them under their wing ^^ It’s all about the individual really. So learn from people who truly want to teach and help you succeed. Believe me, nurses who really know their shit are happy to share it! Part of the growing process of becoming a good nurse is to also learn from the bad. Take it as an opportunity Nonny.

*** You’re gonna cry and that’s okay! I have a much thicker skin now than before nursing school, and it helped me in the long run! A huge part of the work is patient advocacy, which requires you to speak up on behalf of others. For me, I had to learn to speak up for myself before I could effectively do that of my patients. It’s a painful process especially if you deal with anxiety, but it shapes you in the long run. I used to cry extremely easily over something mean a doctor would say. Nowadays I can either ignore it, or tell them to clarify without it destroying my mental health. With that said, everyone’s experience is different but frustration and tears seem to a common thread. I’m not saying this so discourage you Nonny, but to prepare you. Trust me, if a nervous wreck like me got through it, you can as well!

These are just the things that came to mind Nonny. If there’s anything in particular I can help you with, I’d be happy to!