#just gotta give myself grace for when I’m not living up to my own standards yet bc change doesn’t happen overnight

[prozach27]

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[queenofthefullmoon]

An exhaustive list of Dark Souls 3 bosses I would or would not date

Iudex/Champion Gundyr

We’re starting off this list with a strong yes. Our boy Gundyr has had a hard, difficult life, and he deserves some good company. He’s tall, strong, and I trust him to protect us as we set a lovely camp site outside of the fire link shrine.

Vordt of the Boreal Valley

Vordt is big and he is feral which are truly the only two qualities I look for in a man. Together we’d be unstoppable. I mean, think about how easy it would be to go around with him: just climb on his back and let the rodeo begin, baby. This argument alone should be enough to convince you that Vordt is a suitable boyfriend, but here’s another one: if you get too hot in the summer, worry fucking not for your gigantic man can hold his equally gigantic hammer over you and cover you with snow like an italian man covering his pasta with parmesan.

Cursed Rotted Greatwood

Now while I’m certain it would be a perfect partner for some people, the Cursed Rotted Greatwood isn’t for me. For one, I am not fan of curses, or rot, or weird sticky balls, or strange orange acid, or pale white and slightly viscous hands bursting through a living tree. Secondly, I feel like the crowd of Hollows who group up around the tree would be a big impediment to our intimacy, and I’m not ready to be the mother of 20 Hollows.

Crystal Sage

No offense but you’d be an idiot for not wanting to date the Crystal Sage. All wrapped up in one package, you get a super competent sorcerer bf, who wears the coolest hat in the galaxy and an equally cool cape, and who overall looks like the upgraded version of a plague doctor. In addition to that he also has a pretty rapier so you can both engage in some sparring (which we all know is the most romantic couple activity).

Deacons of the Deep

Probably one of the worst options on the list, they’re all crusty, rotting men moaning around a biggass coffin. There are many technical questions. If I dated a deacon, would I have to date all of them? Can we go out on dates or are they obligated to stay next to the coffin at all times? Can I even date them at all?? Not that I would, because I have standards. The only pro to entering this relationship(s?) would be that I’d probably get one of their robes for free, but the cons are so numerous that I’d rather buy it myself.

Abyss Watchers

Let’s be real and honest even if it hurts. Would I date an Abyss Watcher? Yes. Maybe I’d even date two. However, would an Abyss Watcher date me? No, because they’re all in love with Artorias, and I can’t blame them for that.

Old Demon King

At first I considered dating the Old Demon King like a Russian Instagram model dates an old, rich American man: with a great deal of fake love but above all great patience in order to be the only person on the will. But then I thought about it more, and what does the Old Demon King have to offer, really? A big firework show that will leave him exhausted like the old creature he is, and maybe some pyromancies. Truly, it is not worth it, especially since I’d have to take residence where he lives, in a big old room filled with the corpses of his kin.

High Lord Wolnir

I’ve got nothing against Wolnir personally, but I have no interest in skeletons, nor in his army of skeleton children. As stated above I’m not ready to be a mother. I feel like if we got in an argument and he sighed, he would poison me with his awful breath and I would die a horrible death. Also, living on the brink of the Abyss doesn’t appeal to me that much. However I would like Wolnir to be a good friend I can talk jewelry with because let’s be honest, the man (skeleton?) is blinged the fuck out even in death and I respect that.

Yhorm the Giant

Yes, I would date Yhorm. He was nothing but a sweet, misunderstood giant who always tried to get people to trust him and he convinced me. I would put my life in his big hands. Think of the possibilities. Just like with Vordt he could carry you everywhere but in a less reckless way if you prefer proper manners. You’d never have to worry about not seeing anything at a concert. Also, may I add that waiting for you to show up while sitting on his biggass throne is an absolute power move? Yhorm is a Lord of Cinder, but above all, a Lord of this heart.

Pontiff Sulyvahn

Would I date him because of his appealing aesthetic? Yes. Would I date him for anything else? No. Sulyvahn is absolutely terrifying, completely unhinged in the most frightening way, which is that he doesn’t look bat shit crazy. I could be thinking that everything is going well in our relationship then suddenly he’d lock me in a dungeon then would feed me to his weird friend because I put a fork in the knife drawer. He could pretend to propose and give me a weird fucked up ring with his eye in it and the next thing I know I’d be running in a field on all fours. I don’t trust like that.

Aldritch, Devourer of Gods

I’m so sad about Aldritch because literally everything about him is completely unappealing, unacceptable, unnatural, unholy, abhorrent, but he has the delicate and beautiful face of Gwyndolin. While our lovely Gwyndolin looks gorgeous as ever it doesn’t make up for the fact that Aldritch devoured people and probably wouldn’t find love to be a good reason to not eat his partner. The only reason I can find to have a friendship (not even a romantic relationship) with him is if you really like experimenting with cooking and you really, really need someone to taste your inventions.

Dancer of the Boreal Valley

I feel attraction, which means that just like any other being who feels attraction, I would date the Dancer. She is beautiful, graceful, a bit feral, and would not hesitate to put a flaming knife to my throat, which is the description of my dream woman. Imagine walking the streets with her, trying to hold her hand while it dangles 3 feet above you and she insists on holding her sword, actually, so she might slay anyone who tries to approach you, which she communicates through icy breaths and murmurs. The date of a lifetime.

Oceiros, the Consumed King

Another awful choice on this list, Oceiros is RABID and also, as far as we know, still a married man. You really want to date a man that hasn’t even gone through his divorce but already looks like this? Me neither. I’m already not big on dragon fucking but the fact that he’s all viscous and has weird growths all over him is not helping. Also, he has children, and we know how I feel about that — although, given how he treats them, he probably won’t have kids very soon (too far?).

Ancient Wyvern

So I’ve stated that I’m not very big on dragon fucking. With that said, do I think the wyvern is sexy and beautiful? Absolutely so. You’re probably like « Blue you’re sending mixed signals, are you gonna date the lizard or not? » and to that I say, date? Perhaps not. I would however like to form a lifelong bond with this wonderful force of nature and fight by its side, live a long and fulfilling life travelling along with it, only to die at the same time atop the tallest mountain in the world, where our skeletons will be discovers hundreds of years in the future by brave explorers, who will confirm that the legendary songs that were written about us were in fact not just a myth.

Nameless King

You’ve just read what I said about the wyvern. I feel like the Nameless King really understands me and would respect me for that. We could bond over our love of dragons and other flying scaly beasts and perhaps share some chaste kisses while soaring the sky on our companions. It’s nice to date someone who loves pets as much as you. I feel like he would be a fun guy to hang around in general, maybe he’d let you braid his hair or try on his crown. He can arrange personalized fireworks shows for you with his lightning powers. I don’t think you’d ever be bored around him.  

Dragonslayer Armor

Dating an empty suit of armor has never bothered me (see: ds2 Ruin Sentinels), however I have beef with the dragonslayer armor. Is it a beautiful armor? Perhaps a bit worn off, but the reply remains affirmative. However, it is controlled by Pilgrim Butterflies, which basically means I’m dating one to multiple of these things in the shape of an armor, and I’ve gotta confess that I’m not down for that.

Lorian Older Prince and Lothric Younger Prince

Here comes the delicate moment where we have to make a choice without offending anyone. I personally, speaking for myself, in my own opinion, would rather date Lorian. Reason: he is big, strong, and a bit rabid, which I’ve made very clear is my type. I don’t dislike Lothric, but I feel like we’d be better off as best friends who have a really snarky group chat where we shit talk the entire kingdom. That’s pretty good because if I even just slightly disliked Lothric I’m pretty sure Lorian would sense it and would not hesitate to murder me on sight.

Champion’s Gravetender and Champion Greatwolf

Well the full name is just a formality here, I’m not completely insane so I don’t want to date this rabid wolf. I feel like the Champion’s Gravetender is just a normal dude who’s a bit in over his head and it’s not his fault but he just seems a bit boring compared to all my other options. Instead of a date I think he’d be more of an awkward flirt I had when I was bored and then I came to my senses but didn’t know how to disengage, but in the end it worked out because he was more interested in his work anyway.

Sister Friede and Father Ariandel

Again a choice has to be made and I will have to be predictable and say I’d date Elfriede. Just like Dancer she’s what the woman of my dreams is made of. She’s graceful and could easily take my life and I think it’s awfully sexy of her to be like that. I think I’d be accepted into the family pretty easily, which is important since Father Ariandel cares about Friede so much. I’d go visit him sometimes, play chess with him, bring him his flail, normal interactions with your girlfriend’s dad.

Soul of Cinder

I’m gonna be a tiny bit freaky here and say I’d date the Soul of Cinder. Dating it is just like opening a Kinder Surprise egg, you never know what you’re gonna get (sorry Americans for excluding you here). That makes life exciting and doesn’t let routine stall your relationship. Every day you can wake up with the question « What weapon will my darling walk around with today? The flaming sword, or the sorcery staff? » and be surprised by the answer. Truly ideal, but I understand it’s not for the faint of heart.

Demon Prince

I’m gonna go with a maaaaaaybeeeee? leaning towards no. I mean yes, the Demon Prince is a weird fleshy flaming demon, and that may be a bit gross, but I’ve gotta admit I admire his style, the drama of it all. The care he puts into his entrance, the attitude in his moves. If we don’t date I’d at least want to be friends so he can teach me his ways.

Darkeater Midir

I have very intense and contradictory feelings towards Midir. In one hand, holy shit, absolutely epic dragon, the spirit of companionship is growing in me. On the other hand, this beast is RABID and pretending I could tame him is foolish, and pretentious. I guess in the end the answer remains that I don’t date dragons, I just want to adopt them as my extremely exotic pets.

Halflight, Spear of the Church

Yeah I’d date Halflight, I know it’s the easy answer but look at him. I mean shit he’s walking around like a little thotty with his shirt open and you mean to tell me I’m not supposed to wanna date him because he looks pretty much like a regular dude? My boy Halflight WANTS me to date him or else he would not show up with his tiddies out to a sword fight, which as an activity already has enough erotic implications on its own.

Slave Knight Gael

I’m gonna say it unashamedly and I’ll say it again: I would date Gael. He’s been nothing but helpful and when he tries to attack you it’s to help his little lady that he’s adopted as his niece. We love a chaotic parental figure. Maybe he’s a tad bit old and dirty but there’s nothing a good bath can’t fix and I’m sure he’d appreciate having someone taking care of him for once. Again, he’s got that slightly unhinged quality to him that makes him delightful. When I walk around with my partner I want us to instill both fear and fascination in people which we would be able to accomplish perfectly well.

Dark Souls 1: Remastered date list // Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin date list

[lady-grace-pens]

Wip Excerpt: HTKAG

In light of this wip hitting another 10k word goal recently (currently sitting pretty at a whopping 120k/150k 😅), another excerpt is due! This babe I wrote today, buut I actually loved it so much I knew I had to share it with y'all right away. That all being said, let's stop wasting time and get straight into it!

Our scene begins with Allister entering a restaurant to have dinner with Mikko, Fingal, and Perci, but Perci is late.

—

Upon telling the hostess Fingal’s name, she leads me away to the right half of the room. Off in a booth stowed away in the corner sit Mikko and Fingal jabbering away mid-conversation. Once they notice me, they stop and smile.

“Hey! There’s the man of the hour,” Mikko exclaims, throwing his hands in the air.

“Not late, am I?” I grin, taking a seat beside him.

“Nope. Right on time to get some drinks,” Mikko starts smouldering at our hostess.

“With what money?” Fingal retorts with a glare.

Mikko blinks, struggling to come up with a defense. It seems he mustn't have anticipated Fingal to interrupt his attempt at flirting…

“Wha - With our money, of course,” he laughs, trying his best to make a smooth recovery.

“Aye. Which is why we’re not using my money to buy alcohol while a minor is here.”

Mikko doesn’t reply. Then again I suppose he doesn't need to, his confusion is written all over his face.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about Perci. He’ll be here any minute.”

“Oh! Fuck, that’s right. Him. Well obviously he won’t be getting any. And come on! You know how fast I can down a beer Fin! It’ll just be a few. Just a few rounds! Don’t be an ass.”

“Watch yourself Mikko, it's not polite to use such language in the presence of a lady.” I chime in, giving the hostess a polite smile.

“Oh I’ll show you what’s not polite-” Mikko says before slapping my head.

I try to hit him back, but he catches my hand before I can. Before we know it, we’re caught in a ridiculous slapping fight, both laughing our asses off.

“Not in a restaurant, not in a restaurant!” I speak through gasps, trying to end things.

Mikko obliges, tossing his hands back in his lap.

“A waiter will be right with you,” the hostess makes a case to look at each one of us except for Mikko before finishing her sentence, “... gentleman.”

Much to my surprise, Mikko doesn’t seem to be affected by that backhanded insult. Instead he kicks his knees up against the table and rests his head back, totally listless.

“Mikko, I would’ve thought you’d be more offended by that.”

“Huh? Why would I be offended at something when it’s true?”

“I’ll say. You and Al couldn’t be any more opposite. If there’s anything larger than the truth, the fact that you’re not a gentleman is way beyond it.”

“Exactly. And Mikko, you are aware of the fact that she was just a hostess, right? It isn’t even her job to serve us drinks.”

“I... “ Mikko laughs before leaning over the table again. “Listen. You two just don’t get it, do you? No. You don’t. Allow me to be the one who graces your palettes here, eh? Let me tell you what I’m gonna do. Okay? I’m gonna give you a tip. A piece of advice that will change your lives forever. All for free! You don’t even have to pay me. All you gotta do is listen. Got it? You both ready?”

Fingal and I share a look. I can tell we’re thinking along a similar vein of confused intrigue. We should most likely stop Mikko here, as whatever will come out his mouth won’t be anything good. However, we’re both too stunned to stop him, so…

Mikko beckons us to lean closer to him. Fin and I oblige. We’re almost touching heads when at last our dear mentor speaks once again, in a hushed voice. “It’s not about what you say. It’s about how you say it.”

…

There are no words. For about a minute straight Fingal and I are just staring at each other wearing the same expression that exudes two questions. ‘What the fuck? You’ve heard that too, haven’t you?’

Soon after that’s established and our shock subsides, we burst back to life. Fingal starts us off with, “Dammit Mikko. What the fuck? Where did you learn that? Who taught you that?”

“Some guys from the bar! Why, what’s wrong with it?”

“Which guys from the bar?”

“I don’t see how it-”

“Mikko. Which guys from the bar taught you this?” Fingal insists, a flash of anger showing in his eyes.

Mikko seems to notice this, and complies straight away. “Leo, John, Peter and Paul!”

Fingal buries his head in his hands. This sparks my curiosity. I haven’t heard these names before, but Fin clearly has.

“I can’t say I’m familiar with them, who might they be?”

“Bar friends-” Mikko starts, only for Fingal to finish for him.

“Jokesters. Jerks. Cheapskates always looking for a laugh. Assholes. Can’t wait to give them a piece of my mind.”

Mikko shrinks away from Fin. His head is turned away from me, but I don’t need to see it in order to know how stunned he is. It’s expressed flawlessly through the abnormal quietness of his voice. “Fin? What’s up, why’d you-”

“Because those dicks have been filling your head with shit like this every damn time I turned my back, Mikko! Dammit, this - this is why you always get rejected! Universe, I just wish you would’ve checked with me first about things like this. Not some strangers you barely even know, yet idolize them anyway.

You wanna know how you get a girl Mikko? Huh? You be nice. You be nice to them, you talk with them, and you listen. Compliments and flirting, all that helps, of course, but not forever! And you sure as hell can’t build a relationship strictly off of it. Okay? Standards and expectations vary from girl to girl, but with each and every single one there are a few things that you just have to do. Be nice, have respect, help them just for the sake of helping them! Don’t expect anything in return. Overall just - just be a decent fucking human being. That is how you get a girl.”

Mikko sits there, staring at his brother. I can’t help but do the same. In every respect, Fingal is right. Of course he is. It’s just… rare that we see him so worked up. I can hardly believe my eyes. I can hardly believe my ears, I… I can’t imagine how Mikko must be feeling.

Oh so gradually his head sinks down into his lap. He slumps over, and I swear I can see fractions of tears reflect the golden light radiating above us.

“Can’t believe I’m actually telling you this when you’re eighteen. Fucking eighteen,” Fingal scoffs, crossing his arms.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be. I’m not mad at you. This is my own fault, I blame myself.”

“Aw, come on man! That’s even worse,” pouts Mikko.

Fingal then turns to me with an abruptness that makes me jump. “Al, what’s up? You’ve been quiet for a while. You can back me up on this, can’t you?”

“I…” I force a chuckle to try and lighten the air some. “I don’t think that I’m currently in a position to give advice like this, to be honest with you.”

Fingal leans his elbows on the table, holding his head with one hand. “Why? Something happen with Maddie?”

“Oh, did it ever,” I shake my head.

—

Aand that's all you guys get for spoiler reasons! Lmao

(also because that's all I've written today but shhhh don't tell anyone)

Buut yeah. Legit I swear I didn't mean to go so hard on feminist Fingal 😂 I mean don't get me wrong here, he's absolutely right and I'm keeping it in. But still, the words just kept on coming and coming and we ended up with this

so

y'know

yeah

writing is super fun sometimes

Plus tbh, writing the part where Mikko is stroking his ego and whispers his ‘top secret trick to get women’, I was literally laughing out loud 😂 like he's just so wrong, and I love how horribly Mikko fails in life. It's just super funny to me, I enjoy it a lot.

Fingal, however, clearly does not enjoy it, lmao. Legit I had no clue he could be so protective until today! Especially over Mikko. I mean I always knew their dynamics, but today… it really hit home for me.

Go back and look at the line of dialogue Fingal says right after Mikko apologizes (a rare occurrence, actually).

It’s just one little piece of dialogue, barely a few sentences! Yet I feel like it hits you. You know? It reveals so much about his and Mikko’s vibes, their situation. A pair of brothers poor and orphaned by their birth parents and raised by their grandmother, who is only growing older and weaker each year. Fingal, the eldest, having to take responsibility often. He feels pressured to raise his little bro, and feels like he's failed when Mikko turns out to be the way he is. Ya know? It's just one little thing of dialogue but I feel like it makes you feel the pressure Fin has to bear in a situation like theirs. Even if it’s only for a moment.

And Mikko! While he does incite a lot of the comic relief in HTKAG, I wouldn’t call him a strict comic relief character because that's never what I had in mind while writing him. He and Fin actually play a vital role in the plot of the story! Much more than what I can currently reveal to y'all.

Buut anyways, I'll stop rambling now. I really hope you guys enjoyed this little excerpt just as much as I adored writing it :)

—

taglist (let me know if you want to be added or removed!): @vampire-with-a-pen @writingonesdreams @justyouraveragewriter @kazenokaori @dahladahlabills

[shooter-nobunagun]

Horny on Main (R-18)

//Random smut time; sort of a continuation from “mind games” AKA Sio discovers Adam’s collection and watches it for herself.

She stared at the DVD in her hands; even though both the title and image were, for all intents and purposes, about as vanilla as you could get, still Sio couldn’t help but blush at the thought of holding such a…lurid piece of material between her hands.

‘Calm down Sio, this is perfectly normal; it’s okay for girls to be interested in this stuff too…’

Gulping, she took one last glance around, as if half-expecting Adam to waltz in any moment—even though she knew for a fact he was currently away on a recon mission and she’d definitely be the first to know when he returned. Though she’d initially chewed him out for watching porn, a part of her curiosity couldn’t help but be piqued; what was it all about, anyway? Growing up in Japan meant the sniper definitely saw more than her fair share of 'adult’ videos and hentai offerings—down to the most depraved, obscene scenarios that bombarded her eyes every time she stepped foot inside Akihabara. And yes, she admitted to occasionally flipping through some more “grown up” fare when browsing the bookstores, though still images (and especially anime style) weren’t the same as live-action.

“B-Besides, I’m his girlfriend, I have a perfectly valid excuse for looking at this, uh, stuff…” she muttered to herself in an attempt to work up her courage. Sio vaguely wondered what Adam’s reaction would be if she ever suggested they watch porn together. Apparently, according to magazines this was a thing couples commonly engaged in, but Sio felt they’d both probably die of embarrassment first before getting turned on.

Which was why she was currently locked away in her (very) private quarters, laptop glowing almost ominously before her as she clumsily shook out the disc, her nerves getting the better of her. “My Own Service Maid”… a photograph of a petite woman in a classic maid outfit graced the cover, looking over her shoulder in either an embarrassed or shameful manner (Sio couldn’t tell) as her skirt was lifted until it reached just underneath her butt.

Sio gulped, then popped in the DVD before she could change her mind. Though her room was pretty soundproof, still she made sure the volume wasn’t too loud; lord knew how she was going to explain away the lewd noises if someone happened to hear. ‘Not that I’m super quiet myself, but hey…’

A couple of obligatory logos and copyright jargon later, Sio found herself almost mesmerized at the scene on her laptop: a young woman in a maid outfit, whom (she assumed) was supposed to be cleaning a mansion, but instead had gotten sidetracked and was now shyly teasing herself with a paintbrush she’d found. The music was distractingly cheesy, and Sio wondered for a moment if all pornos were this low-budget.

“Oh, master, please…I’m so wet, I can’t stand it anymore…”

Sio cringed inwardly at how cliché the lines were, but at the same time, she couldn’t deny her body was starting to heat up. As the maid’s actions started growing bolder, the sniper was definitely starting to feel the tell-tale signs of arousal: nipples perking up against her bra and to her slight shock, a faint, pulsing throb started up between her legs.

‘Whoa, I’m actually getting turned on by porn…and watching a girl, no less…’ Though Sio wasn’t sure if she was queer, she’d definitely had crushes on both genders before—and sometimes wondered if she’d have wound up dating Asao-san, if it weren’t for all the e-gene/DOGOO business and she ended up meeting Adam instead.

“My clit is so hard…I’m getting wet, master…” The maid had shed her panties now and was blatantly masturbating with her legs spread wide, her large chest heaving with desperate pants as the paintbrush was pushed inside her cunt; the maid pumping and stirring the makeshift toy and as juices spilled out, Sio felt something hot stain her own panties.

‘Damn it…I’m really getting wet from this…’ Face flushing with a heady lust, Sio began surreptitiously removing her uniform, not wanting to break out of this strange, trance-like state she was in. As the maid on-screen continued her self-pleasure, Sio felt her own hands mirroring the movements; one hand slipped underneath her shirt to tease her stiff nipples, while the other wriggled inside her panties and Sio couldn’t help but jerk slightly as her fingertips brushed against her clit, which was apparently swollen and already quite sensitive before she even began touching herself.

“Haah, hah…this is, pretty exciting…” Gulping, her she couldn’t help but whine slightly as the finger squeezed inside her own tight slit, now hot and sticky with her own juices as Sio began masturbating to the porn. ‘I wonder why I’m so turned on…is it because, I can do the same things she can on the screen?’ Being able to experience the same type of hedonistic pleasure as the girl in the film…biting her lips, Sio kicked off her panties, now lying half-naked on sheets that were steadily getting soaked as she played with herself.

‘Okay, I can see why people watch AVs…it’s super hot…’ All sorts of naughty thoughts were running through her head as the sniper started panting from her own fingers, nevermind what was happening on her laptop. The camera was now zoomed in to the maid’s crotch, giving Sio an incredibly erotic and detailed view of a perfectly pink, shaven pussy, dripping with so much juices that she had to wonder if it wasn’t staged. ‘Wow, it’s so pink and there’s no hair…I wonder if Adam would like it if I waxed…’ The paintbrush from the beginning of the film had made its return and was now brushing in quick, hard strokes against the maid’s throbbing clit and Sio felt her fingers reaching down to do the same, unconsciously matching the tempo on-screen.

“Ah~ I-I’m going to cum! I can’t take it anymore~!”

“S-Same…” Sio moaned, stimulating her swollen clit as her fingers became increasingly slick. “Hnng...gah, oh god I’m definitely gonna cum soon…” Her back was arching and the knot inside her was tight to the point of almost-pain; she could feel her inner walls clenching and pulsing around her digits, begging for release.

A second later the maid climaxed, squirting everywhere on the floor as she cried for what seemed like forever but Sio wasn’t even paying attention—not when she was being wracked with her own orgasm, so strong it left her gasping between the pulsating waves of pleasure while she kept rubbing her clit, trying to keep the stimulation going for as long as she could. “Ooh~ I-I’m, c, cumming…I’m cumming so hard…!” Moaning, the sniper rolled over on her side, panting for air as she gingerly pressed against her clit, letting the little aftershakes quiver all throughout her body as she lazily thrust inside, feeling her inner muscles pulsate slowly and coating her fingers with her own cum.

“Oh…man. I can’t believe I came that hard…jeeze, I made a mess too,” Sio groaned as she slowly sat up, the DVD having ended long before. Heaving a satisfied sigh, she ejected the disc and put it back into the case, intent on slipping it back into Adam’s ‘secret’ collection before he returned. “Maybe I should apologize to him…I have to admit, that was really hot…”

Though the sniper had just satisfied herself minutes earlier, her libido-hazed brain wondered what other secret goodies lay in her boyfriend’s collection as she now sat in his room… ‘I-I mean, there’s no harm in just taking a look…’ Her face turned a bright red as she pulled out another disc at random, this one with a far more provocative cover than the previous: a buxom woman with her ass lifted into the air, servicing a huge man with her mouth while another pounded from behind. 

“Uh, maybe something a little more...tame...”

After browsing around though, Sio could tell that Adam was definitely more than just a little vanilla when it came to the bedroom. Aside from that one threesome DVD, most of them (from what she could tell) seemed to be your standard heterosexual couplings, with some occasional girl-on-girl action. But even then the covers seemed to indicate a more romantic theme, rather than any of those weird, graphically-violent offerings she often saw in hentai. Despite the situation—that is, the sniper hunched over in a corner of her boyfriend’s room secretly perusing his porn stash for herself—Sio couldn’t help the smile on her face and a warm, fluttery feeling in her chest. “Adam...you’re such a sweetheart, deep down...” It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that even his tastes in porn leaned towards the cheesy, romantic kind.

“Ah...how about this one?” A beautiful woman lay on a bearskin rug, completely naked save for a handsome cloak. “Relaxation” the title read, and judging from the short summary on the back, it seemed to be a low-key, romantic morning romp between two lovers. “Seems pretty safe, and kinda romantic...”

Before she knew it Sio was once again seated on a bed, her laptop glowing but this time she was prepared: clothes completely off with the sniper nestled comfortably against Adam’s pillows, his lingering scent adding another layer of arousal aside from the video. ‘Adam...wonder when you’ll be back. I gotta make sure I’m done before he returns...’ Her worries were soon forgotten however, as the video started playing and Sio felt her body ready itself again in anticipation, fingers already lazily fingering her clit throughout the intro.

If it weren’t for the fact the two leads were pretty much naked, Sio might as well have been watching a movie. There was even a decent semblance of a plot, which apparently involved the woman’s lover having just returned from a business trip, and the couple was now getting ready to ‘celebrate’ with some spicy activities. The female actress was certainly much more buxom and voluptuous than the sniper’s own slender build, but at least her breasts didn’t look fake, and to Sio’s surprise there was a shock of matching pubic hair between her legs. It was unusual for porn to feature such ‘natural’ looks, but Sio liked it; it made things more authentic than the usual staged drivel that was often peddled. The male lead though, was built very similarly to Adam: tall and handsome, with ripped muscles and long-ish hair, but as the two actors got down and busy, she could see he was gentle, too.

“Damn, I guess I really do have a thing for muscles...” She groaned, easily transposing Adam’s face onto the actor’s impressive body. She never really noticed but after getting together with Adam, Sio realized that whenever she saw a well-muscled body, she couldn’t help but stare and admire them. Newton had caught her once pouring over a risqué magazine spread, and gently teased the sniper about her ‘muscle fetish’.

“I-It’s not a fetish! Is it a crime to look at buff guys or something... Besides, how can it be a fetish if I’m grossed out by those macho, body-building types?” Sio put the magazine down in a huff, embarrassed at having been caught indulging in her fantasies.

“Even so, it seems pretty obvious what your type is, no? And that is, men with well-defined bodies.” Jess purred, opening the mag right back to the spread on that year’s promising male athletes. “I noticed you seem to forgo the slender, ‘pretty boy’ type your country’s manga is so famous for...”

“I-I, th-that’s not—”

“Don’t be shy, Sio! I think it’s cute. It’s good to know what you want and don’t want. Lucky for you then, that Adam keeps up with his training, hmm?”

Sio walked out of the room with her face in a furious blush and an urgent need for some ‘alone time’.

Luckily for her the camera was an equal opportunist, giving the sniper abundant shots of both the male and female actors. Especially as the foreplay on the screen heated up, the woman now using her well-endowed assets to give her lover a tit-job. Like most porn stars, his penis was clean and bare with no foreskin, but that didn’t stop the sniper’s eyes from following each vigorous thrust, his powerful hips moving like a jackhammer. Although her breasts were nowhere near the size needed to pull this off, there were definitely other places where Adam was able to thrust with almost the same level of ferocity... Sio closed her eyes briefly as she remembered their last tryst, right before he headed off on this current mission. They’d decided to change things up a bit, doing it from behind for once; she could still feel the sensations of his thick cock pounding away inside her, fists clenching the sheets as she held on for dear life. When she finally woke up the next day, her nether regions were still aching tenderly, and during her shower she discovered (to her dismay) his hands had left some minor bruises along her hips. Still, it’d been worth it to be fucked completely, utterly senseless like that. Despite his brash attitude, Sio discovered it usually took a bit of coaxing on her part to convince Adam to not hold back—though she knew a part of it stemmed from his fear of hurting her again.

“Kiyaaa! You came so much...”

“That’s because your tits are too gorgeous, babe.”

She opened her eyes again just in time to see the man cum all over the woman’s face and breasts, the sticky, white liquid looking so much like icing. Her inner walls tightened and she took a break, licking her fingers as the leads exchanged some dialogue and actually moved the plot along. “Mmm...it tastes more sour today...oh well.” With her fingers now well-lubricated with her own saliva, she resumed thrusting a finger in and out, keeping the pace steady as she felt herself getting wetter. Especially as man’s statuesque backside filled the computer screen and she gave a slight moan, wishing Adam was here instead.

“Adam...I want to touch your body...” A hand reached up to massage her breast; using slow, gentle circles until her nipple perked into a sensitive, pink point. Those sexy six-pack abs, his chiseled ass and the cords of steel muscles running between his shoulders...whining about the lack of his presence, Sio continued touching herself, casually glancing at the muscles on-screen and thinking about Adam’s instead. This guy was definitely strong; she could tell by the way his biceps rippled while he spread the girl’s legs, preparing to eat her out. The view zoomed in to the girl’s crotch, all slick and wet with cum and saliva as the man’s tongue flicked about her sizable clit.

‘I wish Adam was doing that to me right now...’ Feminine cries soon echoed from the speakers, Sio ignoring pretty much everything but the actual on-screen action. Her fingers rubbed her clit a little harder as the woman started shaking from the impending orgasm, Sio getting an eyeful of gushing as her own core started throbbing. “N-Nng...uhhn, I’m getting close...” Her own juices were already making a sizable stain on the sheets as she thrust her fingers in and out, making sure to pay special attention to her little pearl. “Mmmph...it’s good...oh man, my clit feels so good...it’s so sensitive, i-if I keep going, I’m definitely, gonna...!” Her stomach was clenching as the actress reached a climax, screaming and squirting everywhere. Wishing she’d had the foresight to bring her vibrator, instead the sniper made do with her own fingers, sticking them inside and letting her walls convulse around them as she desperately humped her hand—rubbing all around the hood, underneath, even pinching the nub slightly as her hips jolted.

“Nnngg...uhhn, it’s coming...!” Thrusting her hips into the air, Sio felt the first twinges of her orgasm start pulsing through, before everything slammed down and she fell back onto the bed, jerking unevenly as she kept up the stimulation, rubbing her clit every so often and shivering from the smaller quakes. “Oooh...god, it’s so good...!” The fingers inside her were slick and sticky with her own fluids, the inner muscles still pulsing strongly as she tried to ride it out for as long as she could. Her head was buzzing with a bit of static sound, the actors’ voices strangely muffled as she gasped for breath, gently massaging her stiff breasts and patting her damp, sensitive crotch as the high slowly receded. 

“Damn...I can’t believe that felt so good...man, does porn really make this better...?” She gazed down at her hand, which definitely needed a good washing. “I can’t believe I’m still thinking about continuing...why am I so horny today all of a sudden...” This was her second masturbation session in the span of an hour, and the film was barely at the halfway point. She glanced at the door, and then at the screen again, which now showed the couple getting ready for the ‘main event’.

‘Might as well...I’ve got time...’ Besides, just watching a few more minutes of the porn turned her on again, Sio feeling herself getting wet. She gently stroked her pink clit, careful to not be too rough as she was still sensitive from earlier; still, pleasant shivers ran up and down her spine as she lay in a tangle of sheets.

The couple in the video were really going at it, now. Loud, lewd sounds were coming from the speakers and Sio gingerly turned it down just a touch, though a finger remained on her clit, swirling and teasing it until she once again felt the small shivers of an impending climax. The sniper bit her lip and dug back into the pillows, fingers stirring her insides and spreading the sticky nectar all around. This one wasn’t going to be quite as explosive as the previous one, but the pleasure was building up at a solid, steady rate. The sniper spared a glance at the screen, which showed the male literally hammering away at his lover, his balls slapping with reckless abandon as their juices squelched all over. Biting her lips, Sio started thrusting faster, mesmerized by the action and her own anticipation of what was about to happen. That moment right before the peak, what it felt like to hang onto the edge before tipping over... The couple in the film was getting closer and so was she.

“Nnng...ha, haah, ahn...!” Her eyes closed as the first powerful rush of pleasure cascaded over; the familiar pinpricks of electricity, then a burst of heat that shook her to her very core. Sio gasped for air as the waves gradually subsided, gently running her fingers between her wet thighs.

She lay there, catching her breath and watching with hooded eyes at the rest of the film. Sometime during her climax, the couple in the DVD had finished as well, and now they were engaged in some fluffy pillow-talk across the bearskin rug from the cover. She was wondering when they heck they made the transition to the floor when the door suddenly opened, Sio looking up in shock; it was too late to do anything though and unfortunately, the afterglow made her too relaxed to move.

“Sio? What in th...” The room’s owner was staring wide-eyed at her, cheeks rapidly flushing as he took in the scene before him.

“A-Adam! Uh, t-tadaima...” Sio smiled weakly at her boyfriend, a nervous giggle escaping her lips as she half-heartedly tried to cover her bare, dripping crotch. “U-Um, you’re back...”

“...Yes...okaeri,” Adam answered on instinct, still trying to comprehend just what the hell was going on. Clearly, the sniper had been enjoying some personal time, but why his room? And more importantly, just what exactly was the open laptop for? Before he could say anything else though, the ending credits started playing, and Adam instantly recognized the cheesy outro of a very particular porn title.

He took a very deep breath. 

“...Alright, I’m not even gonna ask what the bloody hell’s going on.” He dropped the duffel to the floor, not sure how to react or where to begin. “There a, reason you decided to commandeer my bed in particular? And my...entertainment, for that matter?”

Sio squirmed uncomfortably, not sure if Adam was peeved or just confused. Or a combination of both. Granted, this was not the first time he’d caught her while masturbating unawares—even though all those instances had been unintentional, she wondered if there was someone up there who just liked them to be in compromising situations—but this time, he’d caught her watching porn as well.

And right after she’d chewed him out for it, to boot.

‘Yikes...talk about eating my own words...’

Adam remained silent, only a white brow raised in a questioning manner as he stood next to the bed, arms crossed. He tapped his foot and tilted his head to the side, as if to ask ‘well?’

“Erm, I...I’m sorry, Adam...I-I was curious about, you know—p porn,” he didn’t say anything, but merely nodded, “a-and I...couldn’t help it; I know I made such a big fuss before, but...then I started wondering what it really was all about, anyway, and then...u-um...” Her voice started quivering and a wave of guilt washed over her, the realization of just what she’d done hitting her full-on. She didn’t even finish her explanation before a sob choked out, and the next thing she knew tears were falling, the sniper crying and wiping her tears haphazardly. “I-I’m, s-s-sorry...!”

She couldn’t look him in the eyes, not like this; why did she always do things without really thinking them through? ‘I really am such an idiot at times; some strategist I am,’ Sio thought glumly, it was a wonder Adam still put up with her antics. The bed creaked as Adam sat down and gently closed the laptop lid, pulling her into his lap.

“...Oh Sio.” He sighed, not saying much else but instead brushed her hair back. “...Sometimes I just...don’t quite know what to make of you, y’know?” He wiped her tears with his sleeve, before handing her a tissue for her nose. “While I am rather indignant at the fact that you had the gall to tell me off for indulging in smut, only to turn right around and sneak about my collection,” Sio winced, “I’m more wound up about the fact that you felt you couldn’t talk to me about this.” His face was not angry, but she could tell from his gaze that he was serious. “I can understand why you were upset at first—but if you really were curious, couldn’t you have just asked me about it?”

His words made her feel even worse, Sio needing a few more minutes of quiet tears before she regained enough composure. “I...I-I know...and I’m sorry I said all that...” A shudder ran down her as she tried to calm down. “It...wasn’t intentional; but sometimes, I just miss you a lot...a-and I feel, really...” Sio squirmed, burning with shame at her behavior, “...I swear, it feels like I can’t control it sometimes—I-I just, get so...horny...it’s like I can’t think straight...”

“...And so, in your, uh...lust-induced haze, you...decided to impulsively watch my porn?”

“...I’m sorry...I’m such a terrible person—!”

Sio squeaked as Adam flipped her onto the bed, hovering over her with a stern expression on his face. “Y’know, I really wish you’d stop ragging on yourself like that; for the last time, Sio Ogura, you are not a terrible person or anything of that sort. I thought we made that clear already...” A hand reached down and gently stroked her cheek, Sio shivering from such a simple gesture. “You’re the one I care about the most—the most important thing to me, ever. So to hear you think of yourself in such a, a...disparaging manner...it hurts me too, you know.”

“Adam...” His tenderness towards her could be even more overwhelming than his physical touch, sometimes. “I, I’m...I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I guess I just feel really stupid for blowing up at you, and now I’m eating my own words...” Sio couldn’t help but blush at her own blunder. “I’m...sorry I was so harsh about you watching porn...at the time, i just didn’t know what to make of it...I guess I overreacted a bit,” she heard Adam mutter under his breath ‘a bit?’, “b-but, now that I’ve...done the same, I...change my mind.” She swallowed thickly; even though Sio did feel bad about berating Adam, her pride still took a blow. “I...I’m fine if you want to watch porn in your own time. Especially when I’m not around...I miss you a lot, too...so I’m sorry...”

The room was silent for a bit, Sio wishing she could just crawl under a rock and wallow in shame. Adam meanwhile, had a rather peculiar expression on his face as he attempted to take this all in stride. Even now, it struck him at how Sio was able to surprise him, time and time again. Perhaps not all surprises were particularly pleasant, but it kept him on his toes.

“Well...I appreciate your apology, Sio Ogura. And I respect your humility in keeping an open mind.” To be fair, he’d been prepared to basically give it up if it meant keeping her happy, but with this sudden turn of events...perhaps a god existed, after all. “In that case, I...wouldn’t object to you watching my, stuff...or if you wanted to, y’know,” at this he blushed to the very roots of his white hair, “...watch something together...”

Sio’s eyes grew wide as saucers at that suggestion. ‘This is exactly what those magazines said...! So it is actually a couple thing...’ Her body flushed hotly as her eyes swept over to the unassuming set of discs on the shelf. 

“W, Well...I-I, have to admit I’d be curious to try it...” Adam raised an eyebrow at her bold response, “I-I mean, I’m just saying I’ve read about it and since I...was so rude to you and all—” Sio’s arms were flailing all over the place, the sniper in a bit of a panic at everything that had happened in the past 10 minutes. As if the situation wasn’t already awkward enough, but at least Adam seemed to have forgiven her for sneaking around his room and using his material.

“Also, I’m...still kind of horny...” Sio gave a nervous laugh, anxiously crossing her legs in an attempt to hide her wet thighs. 

Both of them blushed beet red at the implications.

“M-Maybe, you can recommend something? N-Not anything extreme but just...I dunno, one of your...favorites?” 

Adam was so stunned you could have pushed him over with a feather. Here was his girlfriend, who was usually so shy and stuttering and prone to nosebleeds whenever he got too close, now sitting on his bed half-naked and proposing he choose some smut for both of them. He gave a small nod, before going through his collection. 

A few minutes later a case landed on the bed, the sniper craning her neck to read the text. “An Openly-Exposed Hot Spring...” Sio raised an eyebrow at the name. “A...voyeuristic title?” She gave him a side eye.

“Hey now, don’t judge a book by its cover; it’s actually not what it seems—well, not all of it anyway. And besides, you’re one to talk, Miss High School Peeping Tom,” he gave her just as pointed a glance back.

Sio groaned. “Oh come on, that was an accident! You’re never gonna let that go, are you,” she groused.

“Considering you made no attempts to look away, no I’m not going to let you forget that anytime soon.” Adam replied evenly. Sio grumbled, but she couldn’t deny it. “Well then, if you wouldn’t mind budging up a bit there, squirt...”

She scooted to the side, Adam sighing as he climbed onto the bed. There was a moment of hesitation as he eyed the damp spots, but then shrugged and sat down. “So that explains the laptop, I guess...”

“Er, yeah...sorry...actually, I...already watched another one earlier...b-before I even came to your room...”

Adam nearly choked on his own spit at Sio’s sheepish revelation. “Wh-What?! You what? Wait, did you just say you...watched more than one?”

“...Yes...sorry...” 

“I-I uh, well...alright, sure. ‘S fine...I guess...” Adam gave a resigned shrug. His brain was basically on overload at this point from the myriad of things he’d learned about the sniper in the past couple of minutes. Not that it was bad, mind you, just...definitely surprising. Including the fact that apparently, the sniper had one hell of a sex drive. “So...out of curiosity, which one did you...choose?”

“Uh, it was like the service maid one...”

‘The solo female one...?’ While he’d always suspected, the fact that Sio admitted to watching and masturbating to a woman... 

“...So, I see you’re a woman of culture, too...” The sniper blushed and covered her face. “By the way, don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but...are you, perchance, also attracted to girls?”

“E-Eh? Uh, hmm...” The sniper was caught off-guard by the sincerity of his question. “...To be honest, I’ve never really thought about it much, but...now that you say it, maybe? I mean thinking on it now, I did have crushes on girls when I was younger...but I didn’t realize it as such.”

Adam nodded. “Sure, that makes sense. Do you consider yourself...bisexual then? I-I don’t mean anything by it, just curious is all.”

Sio blinked. “Bi...sexual? What’s that?”

“It means you’re attracted to both genders, male and female.” 

The girl sat with her finger on her chin, deep in thought. “I...dunno. I’m not sure I’d say that right now, since it’s not something I’m really familiar with...but, it is possible. Or, I guess maybe I am queer, to some extent...” She shrugged. “Hey, who knows, right? Maybe I’ll figure it out later on.” 

Adam couldn’t help but smile. “Sure, love. Anywho, apologies for that odd line of questioning, but...it just seemed like something that was likely. Guess you could say curiosity killed the cat.” Without another word he popped in the disc, Sio nervously squirming underneath the covers as the disc started playing.

‘I can’t believe this is actually happening...’ 

The first couple of minutes were wrought with silence, save for the incredibly stilted, canned dialogue coming from the video. Sio could hardly look at Adam, much less try anything, and it seemed the feeling was mutual. Maybe it was too soon to be engaging in something like this, when she’d barely just watched her first porn.

Swallowing her nervousness, Sio turned her attention to the screen. Some hapless milquetoast office worker had found a hole in the wall separating the two baths, and was now peeping on a seemingly-deserted women’s bath—save for one buxom bather. Naturally, the peeper started jerking himself off as he discovered this opportunity, his cock growing stiffer and Sio blushed the camera made it clear that this pervert was well endowed. 

“Well, I suppose if nobody’s around...”

The camera switched and now it was the lady’s turn to indulge in some self-care. Fingers plunged into her swollen pussy lips, the water churning and splashing as the actress on screen fingered herself with abandon. As the action continued the sniper felt her own core tighten, as it always did when she was aroused.

‘Oh boy...I’m getting turned on...’

“U-Um...sorry about this...b, but I’m kind of, uh...” She noticed his face turn slightly in her direction, “my body...” Her insides pulsed again as the moans from the video got louder, forcing Sio to rub her thighs together to ease the pressure somewhat.

“If you need to...relieve yourself, feel free; that’s kind of the point of this.” Still, even with Adam’s encouragement her fingers stopped at her mound, unable to bring herself to actually go through. Especially since Adam himself remained so still she had to check to see if he was breathing.

“...Man, this is...awkward...m-maybe we shouldn’t do this...” On one hand, she was still fairly aroused, but on the other, this bizarre situation was kind of killing the mood. “I just...I don’t know, it feels weird..” Maybe it was the video, or maybe it was the fact that, despite being together, Sio still considered masturbating to be a private activity.

The video continued playing for a few minutes, both holders sitting in an incredibly strained silence as they watched the peeper now crawling over the fence and getting it on with the female bather. ‘Ugh, I’d rather just have Adam do that to me instead of watching...wait...’ She gave a surreptitious glance to her left; Adam looked so placid she wouldn’t be surprised if he started taking a nap.

“A-Ano, Adam...?” He twitched as she gently poked his shoulder, but nodded, “u-um, I have an idea...”

“...Yeh? You wanna stop?”

Sio shook her head. “N-No—well if this doesn’t do anything then we might as well—but, since I feel really awkward doing this to myself, c-can, could you...” she took a deep breath, “d, do the same thing to me as...the video? I-I think, I’d...prefer it if you touch me instead.”

“...Ah.” Leave it to Sio to come up with a solution, despite being more inexperienced; Adam supposed she wasn’t now head strategist for nothing. “In that case...” Taking off his jacket, he handily lifted the girl into his lap, aware of the wetness still coating her thighs. “So, like this, ‘ey?” His voice took on a mischievous tone as he slid a finger down, right into her tight slit—same as the video. A whimper from the sniper told him all he needed to know; turning the volume down a tad, he leaned in closer, holding her tight against him as his finger started pumping in and out. “My my, we’ve ourselves a rather naughty little Kitty-chan today, don’t we? First you go sneaking about my personal belongings, then you finger-fuck yourself on my bed...and you still aren’t satisfied?” His hot breath fanned the shell of her ear and Adam felt the sniper quiver, her inner walls sucking his digit in until it was buried to the knuckle. “Tsk tsk, you really are quite the pervert, aren’t you?”

“A-Ahhn...ahn, I-I, I’m—aah—sorry—!” Sio momentarily forgot about the video as Adam started to finger her, all the while whispering incredibly dirty words into her ear. He rarely got in the mood like this, but sometimes the ‘Jack’ persona would come out, if she pushed him far enough. “I, know I’m a pervert...I can’t help it, you feel too good...” Right as she said that his fingers plunged straight to her g-spot, Sio crying out from the sensitivity. “Ah—! Ah, oh god, it feels too good...m-my insides, it’s so hot...!” Breathy moans soon overtook the video’s dialogue, Sio glancing between the on-screen action and Adam’s hand that was working her sopping cunt. “Nng...A, Adam, m-my clit, too...”

“Oh? So demanding, Kitty-chan,” he teased, but obliged with his other hand; Sio let out a loud moan as he pinched the pink nub. “So, how’s this working out? Better?” Now that he was actually touching her, the video seemed less distracting and more like a background mood-setter, especially with the way they were almost mirroring the on-screen action. “You’re soaked...”

Sio couldn’t even muster a response, instead nodding as she panted from the stimulation. ‘So hot; everything is so hot...’ She massaged her small breasts, rubbing the stiff points between her fingers that caused her to arch her back. “Haaaahnn...it’s too good...! When you touch me like this... It feels amazing...your, fingers...!” She moaned and bit her hand in an attempt to not completely lose control, though it was difficult when Adam was scissoring her insides while teasing her clit. Sometimes it boggled her mind how such a small, seemingly insignificant little part of her body could unleash such pleasure when stimulated the right way. Though Sio was happy that Adam appreciated her breasts no matter how small they were, she wouldn’t deny her favorite place was that small, secret bud between her legs: a delicate pink that was now flushed a deep red and swollen with arousa. Drops of nectar leaked out and down onto the sheets, nevermind his trousers that were now stained.

“That makes me quite chuffed to hear, love,” he licked her ear and she squealed, “seems my dear Kitty-chan always has some devious ideas up her sleeve...” Hot nectar flowed down his hand and onto the sheets, Sio moaning as he curled his fingers inside to stroke her g-spot. Her cries were almost synced with that of the video at times, Adam having nearly forgotten about it—he casually glanced at the laptop, where the ‘hero’ of the show was now also fucking the actress into oblivion. Such deviant behavior...but, there was no way he could deny how hard it made him, given how readily Sio admitted porn turned her on. 

“Nnngg! How...does it feel...so, good...!” Panting, Sio fell against Adam’s broad chest, needing a bit of a break from all the stimulation; Adam sensed this and his fingers slowed inside her, though not completely stopping, lazily thrusting in and out. When her sex drive kicked in, it really went into overdrive. At first it was scary how high her libido was; it seemed like every other moment she was thinking about having sex, either with Adam or simply masturbating by herself—as often as two or even three times a day. But gradually, it did balance itself out. Though sex was still a major and integral part of their relationship, so too was the emotional support they provided for one another.

Screeching akin to a banshee’s wail grabbed both their attentions, as the porn reached the final act. The ex-peeper now furiously bounced the woman in his lap with white cum squelching out, all the while accompanied by the strangely-cheerful, elevator music background track. Ignoring the dissonance between the screaming and the soundtrack, Adam focused on the action itself.

“M-Mmnn...mou, Adam you stopped...” The sniper pouted as the fingers removed themselves, her gaping hole squeezing itself in an attempt to alleviate the tension. Love juices sluiced down her thighs as Sio made an effort to wipe them up, though she was largely unsuccessful. 

“Now love, just be patient...” He smirked and Sio recognized that mischievous tone. It was cocky and sure, much like when he became Jack the Ripper—but in the bedroom, that could only mean one thing... A second later something hot and stiff prodded against her slick entrance and Sio yelped in surprise.

“A-Adam...! Y, You, you’re...” She whined as Adam started slowly but firmly push himself into her tight cavern, though being so wet helped a great deal to ease his thick length inside her. “Ahhnn—it, it won’t fit like this! This angle...are you sure it won’t just fall out?”

Grunting, Adam shifted his hips upwards, Sio squealing as he grabbed her supple thighs and pulled them apart to help him gain more ground. “Oy love, we’ve not even started and you’re already having doubts? Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it, isn’t that what they say?” Using his strength, he slowly lifted the sniper up and down; in and out, empty then filled as Sio cried from the sensations and writhed in his grip. “Would appreciate it if you would have a tad more faith, Sio.”

“I-I’m not, it’s not...ahn, aah...” Panting, Sio could hardly think of what to say, let alone speak the words. Adam’s cock filled her up in the most satisfying of ways, as her walls finally squeezed around something warm and stiff, instead of emptiness. “I, I’m just saying...i-if you slip out, it might kill the mood...ahn!” A particularly forceful thrust from the silver-haired man, as if to prove her wrong.

“Then I won’t. Simple as that.” Sio had no more quips left as Adam increased his pace, just like the film. The only audible voices now were coming from the video, as both holders were too focused on breathing to even moan or cry out. As Adam settled into a steady grip and good rhythm, she reached one hand down to lavish her clit with overdue attention. Her insides instantly tightened from the stimulation; electricity shot up her spine as she unconsciously struggled against Adam’s hold. Behind her, she heard him grunt slightly as she squeezed him, though the extra friction felt delicious.

“Aah, I’m cumming...iku, iku...!” The porn was about to come to the end, judging from the scene and the timer winding down. At this point, Sio wouldn’t be surprised if they came right after—both of them were getting desperately close, especially as she continued to fondle and tease her swollen clit. She whined through her teeth as her fingers pushed the hood back, rubbing the sensitive nub directly and pinching it lightly.

“Nnngg! C-Crap, it feels too good...my clit, it’s always so sensitive...!” With Adam thrusting deep inside her and occasionally hitting the edge of her cervix, her own hands pleasuring her body all over, Sio felt the faint pulses start to converge in her core. “O-Oh...d, dame, Adam...I, I think I’m gonna...I’m close...” 

“Hah, hah...is that so...” Hot breaths fanned her cheek, Adam himself feeling the tripwire tighten inside as well. His height allowed him to peek over Sio’s shoulder, and watching the sniper please herself was much more erotic than any porno that could be playing. Her bra was crumpled above her breasts, and her panties had long disappeared somewhere amongst the sheets, nevermind their uniforms scattered carelessly on the floor. In public, she was still terribly shy about anything remotely sexual, but behind closed doors, she could let her guard down and be herself. Knowing she trusted him enough to shamelessly show him how she masturbated was even more of a turn-on than the whole ‘fuck while watching porn’, honestly.

“Oooohh...I-I’m, I can’t anymore...” Her head sank back into his shoulder as Adam felt her walls start spasming a bit.

“Hnn...’s that so...” The video was close to the end too, his eyes narrowing as he caught sight of the timer. “I wonder, who will finish first...us, or—haah—that daft video...” He heard Sio gulp as she realized his words. “So love, think you can...hold out just a touch longer?”

“W-Well, when you—aah—put it that way...h-how can I not...” Sio bit back a moan as she renewed her efforts to hold back her orgasm, though that was a bit like trying to stop a landslide with a shovel. “H-How much...hnn!” Her clit gave another throb, as if actively trying to sabotage her efforts. “N-No, stop...my body, it’s...!”

The girl in his arms trembled, Adam reducing his pace to help her draw it out. Even though it was tempting to just ignore everything else and thrust until they were completely spent, that stupid video seemed to be goading him on, even though it was entirely fictional... “Hnnngg...j-just, a little more...there’s a good girl, Sio...” 

In. Out. Empty. Full. ‘Oh god...I don’t know if I can do this...! I just wanna cum...!’ Besides, Sio was getting tired--and judging by the tremors in Adam’s arms each time he lifted her, so was he. He may have had genetically-enhanced strength, but he wasn’t a tireless robot. Moaning, she stared at the numbers on the screen, trying not to think too hard about anything other than how good everything felt; her own hands fondling her breast and nipples, then giving some tender touch to her nub, Adam’s penis thrusting into her at a good pace and hitting all the right spots each time... Hearing his gasps and grunts, feeling his sweat-slicked skin pressed against her back as his strong arms supported her was just as enticing as well. Sio felt herself drooling slightly from all the exquisite sensations assaulting her senses. 

“Kyaaaaaa!! Iku! Ikuuuuuuuu!!” The fake onscreen couple reached their limit; after that, the laptop was completely ignored. Adam’s grip tightened on her thighs as he thrust into her with a desperate vigor; Sio rubbed her clit in the tight, fast circles that she always used to bring herself to a roaring orgasm. 

“Haaah! Aah! Nngg! Hnn!” Adam’s thrusts drove like a piston against her slick walls, kissing against the entrance to her womb each time. “Oooh...I-I’m—mmmmnn—c, cumming!” Panting so hard her tongue stuck out like a dog’s, Sio felt her orgasm crash through like a runaway train. A single, long wail tore from her throat, her climax hitting so hard her eyes nearly rolled to the back of her head while the rest of her body twitched and jerked. A burst of juices gushed from her hole, dripping all over Adam’s crotch and onto already-soaked bed as she continued to squirt, even as her orgasm slowly tapered.

“Holy...fuck...” Adam wasn’t sure which was more impressive: the strength of his orgasm, or Sio’s. The girl was practically slathered in fluids—saliva, sweat and a generous amount of their mixed cum—panting and completely limp in his lap. His own climax had been just as mind-blowing, especially after hearing the video finish first; Sio’s walls squeezed him mercilessly as the girl herself cried and pushed back against him. He opened one eye wearily as he felt something drip down this leg, only to see a thick glob of white spunk, mixed with Sio’s nectar, slowly make their way down via gravity. He groaned and sank into the pillows, too tired to even pull his softening member out. The entire room smelled ripe with sweat and the musky odor of their voracious sex, and vaguely Adam thought about a shower. 

“Ooooh...god, that was...haaahh,” Sio had no words to describe the pleasure she felt as she slowly came down from her high. “Oh man, you came so much...I’m overflowing...” Wincing, she gently lifted herself off, Adam finally pulling out of her with a slight ‘pop’. “Urg...I’m definitely gonna feel this tomorrow...”

“Speak for yourself; christ Sio, you’re just...I don’t, I’m just...” As the sniper turned towards him with wide, guilty eyes, he regretted his words. “W-Wait, I didn’t mean anything bad by that—”

“—S-Sorry, I’m such a pervert...I, I know I can be...insatiable at times,” Adam coughed slightly as this, “s, so, I’m...glad you still put up with me...”

“Oh Sio...” Adam couldn’t help but smile slightly as he pulled her into a hug. “You know I’d never hold that against you. That being said, I’m...amazed at your, er...appetite, at times...” Adam was pretty sure if he weren’t an e-gene holder, he’d be worn out by now. He gave her a simple kiss on her forehead. “Remember Sio, I said I love all of you, as you are. And I mean that.”

“Ah, A-Adam...” Now she was shy again, cheeks turning a cute pink as she buried herself into his embrace. “Th, thanks...you’re the best...” Her libido may have been a great source of embarrassment at times, but the amount of pleasure it gave her was enough to make up for it, she decided. His chest rumbled with muffled laughter, causing Sio to blush more, but with happiness.

“...So uh, I take it we’re all cool with the AV thing then?” Adam cautiously broached the topic. “You’re fine with me watching, uh, my stuff and all that? Granted, you’re welcome to it too, now.”

Sio nodded shyly. “Y-Yeah, honestly you should do whatever you want in your private time. I’m really sorry I freaked out the first time...th, thanks for being so chill about everything...” She poked the sheets, too embarrassed to look at him in the eyes. “A-And also, th, thanks for your um, generosity...I promise I’ll keep it a secret between us...”

Adam raised an eyebrow. “What, the fact that we both enjoy porn?” Sio squeaked and he rolled his eyes slightly. “My dear Kitty-chan, you do realize this is quite common, right? I appreciate your consideration in keeping it on the down-low, but there’s no need to pretend otherwise.” He patted her on the head and she looked up with red cheeks. “Feel free to enjoy yourself, Sio.”

“Un...Adamu suki...” He really was the best, the sniper decided. ‘Who’d’ve ever thought I’d get such an amazing boyfriend...thanks for something at least, Invasion Objects.’ 

Yawning, Sio proceeded to crawl underneath the tangled sheets, her body now demanding some measure of rest after what she put it through. Next to her, she heard Adam shutting the laptop and putting it off to the side. before sliding underneath. She sighed as strong arms spooned her against his broad chest, eyes closing before her head even settled on the pillow.

Yeah, adult videos weren’t that bad after all...in fact they could be good...very good, indeed.

[thelordstears]

Prepare for some dope ass writing guys gals and nonbinary pals!

“ If love is sinful, and who I am is unholy, then I'll be nothing more than myself.” - Camilla Davidson

“ He follows old scriptures and old fashioned standards of human decency, this is a whole new world, and he'll die on the wrong side of history, while I live on the side that's more loving, accepting, and stable.” - Camilla Davidson

"The human race hates, and hates, and got damn hates. But for what, really? Why hate when you could love instead? All hate does is make ya angry. But love? It hurts, it brings ya pain and sorrow. But it also gives ya peace, happiness and pride. And all those emotions mixed inta one make love, beautiful.” - Sofia Johnson

“ He was gettin' beaten up in some alley, a bunch of white folk decided his skin color, was more important than his humanity.” - Sofia Johnson

“ I am trapped by these memories, because they echo in my head, and I remember everything.. by God, I remember it all. The first time blood other than a fishies stained my hands, the way Caityln'd hold my hand, the way bodies splashed in the seas and the whir of cannon and explosion rang in my head.” - Augustus Seaborg

“ I'm scared, because in this new world, it kill or be killed, fight or die. I raise my weary fists, if only just to survive another day. Because this isn't life, it is survival of the most broken.” - Augustus Seaborg

“ He's everything to me, he's so intertwined into my heart and soul, I imagine he's part of who I am. We're beautifully us, in all our imperfection, we found perfection.” - Malachi Razor

“ Strength isn't in how many pounds you can lift, or how big your muscles are, true strength, is in the heart and mind.” - Malachi Razor

“ As they've always said, violence for violence is the rule of beasts, so does that make war a battlefield, or hunting grounds?” - Burke Castles

“ The leaders start war, but never pull a single trigger. They watch their pawns and brooks move across the board, we never had a King or a Queen, just ourselves and our sins.” - Burke Castles

"I'm the damned priest, the forgotten messiah, I'm just another man. How can you fault me for the sins of another? How can you condemn me, for what I did not do?” - Gusto Mellowrich

“ People use God as an excuse to slaughter, they say they shalt die on the cross for their sins, and don't realize driving nails against the condemned only drives nails into their coffins and secures their place in Hell.” - Gusto Mellowrich

“ I find so much damnation on this Earth, because if this is Earth, by God do I fear Hell.” - Gusto Mellowrich

“ People say God is dead, that his grave is up in the Heavens and he's rotting in his golden throne, but if God was dead, I believe it wouldn't rain. Because it is my belief, that it rains because God weeps for us, he weeps for what has happened. And weeps for what is to come." - Gusto Mellowrich

"Life either kicks you down, or you don't allow yourself to fall.” - Icarus Richens

“ My dear brother has fallen far, he believes his wings clipped, his honor stolen, but if he simply climbed, and took my hand, he would find salvation is for the sinners of this world, which in theory means salvation is for everyone.” - Icarus Richens

“ Gregory is a soldier, he stands sturdy, smelling of ash and smoke, because he let the fires of love build him anew. He is a phoenix, not of light nor darkness, but of love in all of it's grace.” - Icarus Richens

"Even God, sins on the occasion.” - Alastair Sambridge 

“ People walk this earth and call themselves saints whilst sinning just under the nose of the people, we've allowed the commandments to be re-written, where in the commandments did it say, "Steal from the rich?" where in the commandments did it say, "Let the rich steal?" And where in the commandments did it say, "Be sinful as long as it's for a good cause?" - Alastair Sambridge 

“ You believe God loving? If any ruler in history was loving nothing would happen. Imagine what would've happened if George Washington fought violence with peace. We'd still be shackled by Britain, so tell me why it is you wish me to fight your sin, with holiness?" - Alastair Sambridge

"Ain't it the most wonderful thing, bein' able ta break a man and give ta yourself? The Hell's morals doin' in a world that don't give a fuck what happens? It'll tear ya down, push ya down several flights 'a damn stairs, the world is fucking cruel, ya gotta be just as cruel ta survive it.” - Gunther Mirowick

“ I'm only alive because other's aren't.” - Gunther Mirowick

"Isn't it better to sacrifice your life for a good cause rather than die for nothing? I imagine no cause is worth killing for, there's only causes worth dying over, and love, is something to die for.” - Vekel Kidelman

“ Love is what makes us human, the lack of it often creates monsters.” - Vekel Kidelman

"This blackhole in my mind would destroy anyone who dare stepped forth to walk into it's depths, so imagine what's happened to me, wandering inside of it every day.” - Daniel Abacross

“ Knowledge is a weapon, and I've allowed mine to pull triggers and create a cacophony of suffering and the demises of those who didn't deserve death.” - Daniel Abacross

“ I learn this world is a brutal place to live, the killings of innocent men and women is commonplace, but I survive, and when you survive such tormented things you become the very things that tormented you.” - Isiwoah Sakigowami

“ We are not in control of destiny, but at least I'm in control of yours.” - Isiwoah Sakigowami

“ I live by no moral code, because when one is in power, morals only allow the crown to be stolen from atop your head by he who's willing to cut it from your neck.” - Isiwoah Sakigowami

"To live is to die, so might you allow yourself life, so you may experience death?” - Will

“ I have found such a cold heartbeat inside my chest, I believe if one were to perform an autopsy on me, they'd find a hollow ribcage and strings attached to my heart, played like a violin, it may sound beautiful, but the meaning behind the melody is sinful. They'd find the coldest of blood and it'd flow the color of the night sky, except when my soul is involved, the night sky is starless.” - Will

“ My pain shaped me into a beast, and I'll never find the strength to put myself down, because I am no hunter, simply a scared child, trapped inside the mind of a wilder beast he once would've imagined was so fantastical that he could ride it into the sunset. But with the lenses of childhood innocence removed he sees it's bloodstained lip, it's teeth cracked and stuck between each one flesh of a fresh kill, it's eyes crazed with hunger, he'd find nothing but a wild beast, the hint was within the name wilder beast, because it twas simply a beast wilder than any other.” - Will

“ I've learned knowledge is power, but it can be misused dare one use it to harm another. If you use knowledge as a weapon, you've already failed.” - Lola Crabthorn

"If this is what it's like to feel alive, than bury me low. Sink the coffin into the hallowed soil, toss dirt upon my grave and etch my name upon the tombstone, and let this girl finally rest in peace.” - Malarie Cavafich

“ I've grown so cold on this journey to find home, they say home is where the heart is, but perhaps my heart is in so many pieces I can't possibly find home. I've pulled a trigger so many times, I simply believe I can never be whole, because I've stopped the heart beat of so many other's, I ask why mine deserves to beat for another.” - Malarie Cavafich

"Live your life fearin' change, you'll fear yourself in da futcha'. But if ya learn ta embrace change, ya ain't gon' fear da futcha', because da unknown ain't so scary when ya learn if life was predictable, it wouldn't be worf' livin'.” - Daurice Marston

“ I'm nothing to my mind but a meat sack of rotting intention.” - Faymelina Van Patten

“ Though revenge didn't help, I still see him in my nightmares, perhaps he's a haunting now. A poltergeist in my mind who throws my mental state about and crashes around the halls of my mind, creating a ricochet of death and eternal sorrow.” - Faymelina Van Patten

“ Though I wield a spear as a warrior, my heart beats that of a woman who wishes to see only peace, and sadly, peace has to be fought for.” - Nova Toria

“ The meaning of life is different for every soul, for one it might be dancing underneath the stars with the one they love, for another it could be solitude. For some the mind is most keen when surrounded by others, but for others the mind is most keen when surrounded by only their ideas.” - Nova Toria

“ You don't have to fall into the arms of another, you can catch yourself if you wish.” - Nova Toria

“ Just because something can kill, does not mean that is it's only use.” - Morgan Gaskill

"Days come and go, I keep each memory close to my tattered heart, because if I forget the little moments, I forget life.” - Journey Castlehill

“ I don't quite identify with any of the norms people have set in stone, and if people hate me for that, they aren't worth my time. They're stuck in a construct, and refuse to dig themselves out.” - Journey Castlehill

"The rule of predator and prey, the dance of gnashing teeth and ragged fur, a melody of naturality and sinful desire. Thus is the rule of life, a song of gnashing jaw and flowers of misery bloomed from sinfulness so deep not even a God could wipe it from existence.” - Ranbraker

“ She's my hero, really. Even if she's my little sister, she kept me safe from my demons, and I'll always keep her safe from her demons. We've both suffered, both thought who we were is wrong, but you know what? Screw that. If being who I am is a sin, I'll be a sinner. Because I'd rather burn in Hell for being who I am, then enter Heaven being who I'm not.” - Tristy Hem

“ In all my pain, in all my scars, I find hope. Because I still have people I need to find, people I love with all my heart.” - Hailey Fellwitz

“ Be the author of your own story, and remember, not every page is one with pain written upon it. There's peace, too. Fight for your happily ever after." - Hailey Fellwitz

"I've been drowning in the depths of my shattered soul, gulping in false promises and empty threats. And yet here I am, searching for myself when other people is all I've found.” - Tina Diamon

“ People say love is a double edged sword, but that's because you love the wrong people. If you find the right person, love isn't a sword, it's a shield.” - Tina Diamon

“ A love so beautiful can not be destroyed, though the world has tried to tear us apart, it only brought us closer together.” - Tina Diamon

“ They say what's done in the dark shalt be dragged into the light, but I'll only come into the light when I will it so. And when the sun soaks my bones, and light is all you can see, I'll grip my club and let it be the sinking of the sun, cuz when I lower it, you lower a damn coffin.” - Luga the Hidden

“ Us orcs aren't treated so well, so I think it's about time I showed em the monster they damn well created. Because here I am, nothing but claws, teeth and crimson.” - Luga the Hidden

“ I can be vile, I can be a monstrosity, and people'll blame it on my heritage.” - Luga the Hidden

"When you're broken down to nothing, and find yourself mourning all that you've lost, remember what you have. I've been stuck in the past before, but I found there's always a rope, whether it be one of love or hope.” - Thorballa Ulfdottir

“ You have to be careful, when you're in a dark place. Because your decisions could lead you straight to your demise, the path to Hell is paved in bad deeds, don't follow it.” - Thorballa Ulfdottir

"My mind is so filled with ghosts of me you could walk into it and find only a graveyard, every tombstone reading my name, and the name's of those I've slain.” - Sheriff ~~Redacted~~ (Can’t say his name, it’s a twist and my twin sister follows my Tumblr)

“ I hear a blood curdling howl on the wind and I come to the haunting realization that it came from my own throat.” - Sheriff ~~Redacted~~

“ This life, it'll throw you through the ringer and then some, but what matters is that you rise like the champion you are.” - Vasiliki Mathers

“ Family is made up of loyalty, not blood.” - Vasiliki Mathers

“ I've spilt so much damn blood that it's just another habit these days, one trigger pulled, one man dead and one bullet torn through the got damn sky.” - Oswega Creek

“ Ya'll sip on regret as if it were a cure ta your damn sinfulness. But regret can't change the damn past, it only changes the future. But when you decide ya don't wanna live in regret you keep pullin' the damn trigger and watching bullets tear through the sky on burnin' wings and bloodied talons.” - Oswega Creek

“ You better tell the whole world Oswega Creek is coming home, because peace is an option better left in the past and harsh words are best left unsaid lest you wish to end up in a pinewood box with nuthin' but the wrigglers ta give ya company.” - Oswega Creek

"Life ain't all dat bad, ya focus on da shade unda' da tree, ya'll miss da branches dat provide it. Ya can't focus on da bloodshed 'a nature when bird's sing songs just fo' da soddin' world ta 'ear.” - Daisy Gloria

"I know, you'd think a gal like me would have a pitch perfect life like in a shitty comedy movie, but that isn't the case, ya see perfect lives reside in the land of fairy tales and fantasy, while I live in the gritty reality of this bizarre world, life is a bumpy fucking ride, and you better hope you can hold onto those reigns, because sometimes you get bucked off and fall, and sometimes you fucking stay there." - Mary Adler

"Oh if they thought they'd seen the end of days, just wait til they see what happens when they utter the word, "No." - Javier Cross

"The hope of morning can't come if your mind is stuck in the night." - Dale Markus

"I hide in the shade of my deeds, but you, my friend, will lay underneath the shade of a willow." - Edgalzio Halvlies

"I'll sip on this regret as if it were a cure to the disease of my past. But all it'll ever do is poison me." - Chase North

"Jou can regret jour actions, but jou can not change zem." - Marlene Dayvrack

"The echoes of death and tragedy ring in my ears. But it's not my own." - Autumn Wolfmoon 

  "Sin only intensifies when the whole world is set ablaze and all ya got left is the echoes 'a normality." - Davy Blight 

"Reckon we do what it is we always do. Sin as if our lives depended on it, cuz these days, the do." - Davy Blight 

“ You’ll see Hell, it ain’t no man with red skin and a pitchfork, it’s me in all my vengeful rage.” - Davy Blight

"You touch 'im I swear ta every God I'll send you their way fuckin' howling!" - Davy Blight

 "Life don't get that much betta' these days. It's a symphony of broke bones and spilt blood, only difference 'tween you and me is, you're the one singin' the damn song, I'm the one echoing the harp." - Lind Blight 

  "Life ain't a constant state of kill or be killed. There's peace, you just have to fight to achieve it." - Cago Envers 

 "The truth is suffocating. It's why I breathe in a lie." - Sam Dellwotfire

  "I could burn alive within the hatred of my family tree and still I wouldn't find peace." - Rover Calico 

"You know, I'd be who I am if it ever did me any good." - Drew Dreadful 

"All I've ever been is scared, and in this new world, fear only kills everyone but you." - Drew Dreadful 

  "The sky bleeds golden, yet my scars bleed black, and the color of my skin, is but the troubled sin within." - Sandro Colorfeid 

"It ticks the wrong direction, because it is damaging itself in the process of working how it was built to operate." - Gregeno Puley 

  "Ben you live in a family of heroes. Will you become one by circumstance, or will you become one the hard way?" ~~Redacted~~ (Another case of my twin would see his name)

"No one can become me, Ben. Only I hold such a torment." - ~~Redacted~~

"My curse will only be the death of you." - ~~Redacted~~

 "That's where you're wrong, Ben. I am fate, I am the law, I am peace, I am chaos, I am everything, Ben. you're nothing but a speck, whilst I'm the sun." - ~~Redacted~~

"Stars can only be destroyed if they implode upon themselves, and thus I chose to implode so I could destroy the darkness I had found." ~~Redacted~~

"You're so covered in the blood of wolves you think you are one." ~~Redacted~~

"You want to be a leader, step on the podium and speak to your subjects. You want to be a King sit on the throne and wear the crown, you wish to be a subject sit still and listen. But if you want to be a God, show people that resisting your dynasty is a death sentence and all you have to do is snap your fingers to rid yourself of their treacherous ways."  ~~Redacted~~

"They say we aren't our sins, but here I am, nothing but death." - Arthur Wellburn

"I looked Hell in the eyes and all I saw was myself." - Betty Shalfien

"You look evil in the eye, you begin to get a taste for it." - Destallo Starend

"Sometimes secrets are best untold, because when something's too awful for this world it is best erased from time entirely rather then brought to the light." - Yuntara

"Don't walk the path you're given, find a different way, cuz often if someone hands ya a path, and tells you ta walk it, they've got tricks up their sleeves. And they ain't card tricks." - Church Godsel

"Mr. Bundy! Killa' of men! You think you got the damn balls ta take on three devil's? Cuz I'm tellin' you now, you can slay men, but you damn well can't slay legends." - Saul Northutt

"You don't know what I've done in the dark, but unfortunately for you, it hails in comparison to what I'll do in the light." - Corvenstain Bonstellos

"I never pulled you down, Idian, your life was Hell before our destinies intertwined. I could see it in your eyes, the mark of a broken soldier, what was your battle Idian?" - Corvenstain Bonstellos

"Get off the tracks, boy. This is a revolution, and you're in our damn way. Do you wish to be a splatter across the tracks or the conductor?" - Corvenstain Bonstellos (Props go to my twin for the beginning of the line, a callback to what her character said)

"Abel! Your ambition is what's going to kill you in the end." - Corvenstain Bonstellos

"To some, I am life, to other's I am death. It is up to you what end of the blade you receive. The hilt, or the sword." - Raimundus Wolfes

"If the holy spirit were to ever meet me, his name would be tarnished." - Caldwell Ramirez

"Hunting is an art and you're a canvas to be splattered red." - Luther Woolhaun

"The hunt is all about what you do with the prey, how you stalk them and how you execute them. The hunt is a sport, an art, a masterpiece that smells of gunpowder and the tangy scent of iron." - Luther Woolhaun

"All I find in myself is the blood of those deemed weaker than me by the rule of sword." - Violincia Bloodwort

“The pits are me only 'ome. Me 'eart 'as resided 'ere fo' da longest time, and now all it beats is a thirst fo' more." - McCannon Bowitsend

"All it takes to ruin a life is one bullet. But all it took to make mine a glory to behold, was one bullet." - Ewan Hanstammer

"I'd say I'm lost in daydreams, but those are just an echo, these days." - Hanzo Sabian

"I slipped from the edge of my own ignorance." - Pedro Bonfire

“A man who spreads violence is remembered, a man who doesn’t, isn’t. It’s the curse of a hero.” - Miella Fang

"Crumble? We all did that fifteen years ago, we're the rubble of judgment day fighting amongst ourselves, difference between me and most people is, I've been fighting for scraps since I was ten. I'm fit for battle. What about you?" - Scow Wiston

[bdneiceme]

Changes....

Every year, at the end of the year, I always do a reflection of what the year has taught me. More recently I began writing Facebook posts, but 2019 taught me so much that I figured a blog would be much better...

2019, all in all, wasn’t a bad year at all. Uncomfortable? Extremely! Bad? No. I will say, it definitely wasn’t “my year”. I grew in ways that I could of never guessed. I hit record lows, but I gracefully recovered. And with God’s grace I’ll be blessed to enter into the last year of my 20s next week. So here are some take-a-ways that I learned.

1. Rejection is necessary. I can honestly say, my life has been extremely easy for the most part. The life I’ve experienced doesn’t hold a candle to some of my friends. It was imperative that I understood the string of losing, and constantly losing at that, so that I could appreciate how much life has been a breeze. I have seen more closed doors this year than ever in my life. I was angry. I was pissed. It was everybody else, and never me. It became a lot...It wasn’t until I talked to God that I understood that the rejection was protection. Even though the closed door looked like the end of the World, what was on the side coulda been way worse. Learning to take rejection and not turn it inward is an uphill battle, but 2019 definitely equipped me to better navigate those feelings. I’m grateful.

2. Love isn’t enough. With Disney+ shaking the table and having all streaming sites shook, it’s a good time to revisit a lot of our favorite childhood movies. When I was a Therapist I would refer to the “Disney effect” that many Millennials, in my opinion, are cursed with. We saw so many Princesses fall in love, go through trauma, but in the end true love prevailed. In my own opinion, we allowed Disney to romanticize some downright awful relationship standards and through some fairy tale music to it. And now many of us still follow under the unction that “true love” will always be enough. I believed it too, until it wasn’t. I found myself in a relationship this year that I was literally blindsided with. I ignored all logic and hanging out a few times a week turned into a year and half of complete and utter bullshit. Time wasted because love wasn’t enough. That little voice, the pit in your stomach, the lump in your throat...that’s not fear of commitment. That’s God literally giving you signs that, “This ain’t it Chief!” Listen to it ! If you start allowing it, you’ll have to continue to allow it and you don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. So I cleaned the slate. I pay T-Mobile every month for an alarm clock, but that’s okay. The peace I have is so much greater. I guess my first point goes hand-in-hand with this one. Though I felt rejected, I THANK GOD FOR HIS PROTECTION ! I’m grateful. P.S. Don’t become what hurt you !

3. “No new friends”. When Drake released that track I instantly caught an attitude. At the time, my new friends was better than my old ones and I didn’t get it. Until I did. I felt so alone this year. Not depressed. Just alone. This year I had to depend on me. I didn’t have the support that I desired, I wanted. I went through some of the darkest moments of my life alone. This isn’t a jab at my friends, but I had no idea how much I needed to be alone. I needed to depend on me and only me. I had to be isolated. I didn’t need anyone to try to sugarcoat the reality of me at a fork in the road. I couldn’t afford to fallback into the same pattern of things. Truth is some of the closest people to you will stunt your growth because they don’t want to see you grow, because what happens when they outgrow you? So they plant seeds by telling you it’s everybody else and not you. So while you stay stagnant, they grow, and eventually they’re the ones that outgrow you ! I thought I was abandoned. Friends that I thought I could lean on, I realized quickly, they were not my friends. Friends I had for years were now acquaintances. I was alone. But in those moments, I found me. I had the tough conversations about my own toxic, negative behavior, and in those moments I became a better version of myself. And now I’ve met me again. I’ve been able to meet people,and let my own guard down, who really do care about little ole me. I’ve rekindled friendships that I hindered, some hindered me. But all-in-all, I’m grateful.

4. The power of no. I give great advice. Like really good, but I don’t always listen to my own, but I do give it. I had to learn to say no. This year I felt so drained, until I started saying no. I really do think it means something when someone calls when they could of called anybody. But in the same breath, can you call them? Because of that little revelation I’ll tell someone in a heartbeat now, HELL NO ! Lol but serious when I’m not in a good head space, I tell people I’m sorry, I can’t today, we’ll have to talk about it later. I’m not losing my own sanity so you can process through yours. I’m not caring the weight of your burdens so I can weigh my own self down. I can’t. I won’t. Stress literally triggers so many physical responses that I literally started dealing with my anxiety again. Like can’t breath, gotta take a walk or a drive because I’m so overwhelmed, overstimulated. So I learned to say no. The attitudes will catch you off guard initially, but the freedom of ‘no’ goes a long way. My phone LIVES on DND 🤧 because I’m allowed to be selfish with my time. I’m allowed to not want to hear bad news. My spirit feels lighter. My mind stop racing, I was able to rest, all because I learned the power of no. I’m grateful.

5. Silence is golden. My mother used to tell me all the time that just because something needs to be said doesn’t mean you have to be the spokesperson. Earlier in the year I defended someone who I truly do care about. Ch...I got called everything but a child of God after I did it lol. It doesn’t matter what was actually said, because of my personality anything I say or do is always dragged to the 10th degree. So by the time I read through texts and phone calls, I was, yet again, the wrong one. But the situation taught me that because people already have so many preconceived notions about who and what we are anyway, why waste my time, energy and breath. Learning to silence myself and let things be what they’ll be has truly been a journey. I internalize a lot. Like a lot. I genuinely like to be liked by people. But this year I learned those committed to misunderstanding you will always do just that. I may do some off the wall stuff but my heart is pure. I’ve helped people who have slandered my name and I never told a soul what they did to me, and never will. As sure as I’m writing this blog, it’ll come out. It always does. But I what I have to learn to do is not allow someone to pull that type of behavior out of me. I even started going back to therapy because of it. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m grateful.

6. It’s okay to be mad, just don’t stay mad. I’ve spent so much of my life bitter. Truth is I wasn’t over so many of the things that were done to me and instead of telling someone I let it turn me bitter. I was angry. I was hurting. I saw so many of my peers have people to lean on and mentor them through the processes and then there was me....I hated it. I still felt like a 6 year old little girl some days. As a child, I was talked about like I was grown. So once I got older, I learned to snap back 10x harder to ensure the disrespect would never occur again. You hurt my feelings? Cool, I’ll demolish yours. 🤷🏽‍♀️ But at 28 who tf wants to live like that? I wasn’t raised like that. It was draining. Then people looked at me to be the bitter one. You know the “jokes” they tell but in all actuality it’s the shade they don’t want to say flat out. It was my narrative. I was sick of it. Letting that fester....it ate at me. I had to give it to God. I always desired to be like everybody else until God touched my heart. It’s a process, but I’m better ! He’s healing me. Working on me. Allowing me the unique opportunity to grow through my own issues has allowed me to give grace to others for theirs. I’m grateful.

7. I’m sorry. I’m ending the blog with 7 points because this one is the most important. I’m learning to take responsibility for my own mistakes. Having the courage to embrace my own shortcomings. I apologize to those I ridiculed, betrayed, lied to, beat up 🥴, humiliated, embarrassed and disrespected. I know this doesn’t excuse the offense, but from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry. In my own disappointments and insecurities I took it out on you, and that you didn’t deserve. Learning to swallow your own pride makes room for the blessings you let pass you by, because your heart wasn’t in the right place. My heart is healing and I literally squirm thinking about some of my past behaviors. At the time, I meant every bit of it, because I was operating from a hurt place. I never gave myself an apology for the person I was trying to survive. I’m trying. Learning to not allow what happened to me, consume me. Forgiving myself for every mistake. Owning who I am and who I am called to be. I don’t want to turn 40 and then start living life 😕 I want to do it now. But I couldn’t get to it because I was my own stumbling block. God has a funny way of humbling you, but what he will do is just that, humble you ! And because of that humility, I can now let some light in I know how wrong I was, but the glory is...it’s a process...but I’m grateful.

I made sure to end every point with ‘I’m grateful’ because I truly am grateful. I’m grateful for it all. The good. The bad. The ugly. I’m grateful. Why? Because I’m still here, so that means it didn’t kill me. It could of, but it didn’t ! This year, this decade....taught me so much. My goodness my 20s taught me some things okay lol but I thank God for the grace He gave me to try to get it right. I’m ready for Scene 29 and I am beyond ready to see what 2020 has to offer ! I deserve it ! Be grateful !

[katsidhe]

And now it’s your turn! I would love to get the Director’s Commentary on “Awake, Arise.” Especially if you get inspired to add another chapter. 😜❤️

Thank you so much to both @caranfindel and @quirkykayleetam for asking about “Awake, Arise”! It’s a multi chapter, WIP season 9 AU with all my favorite things: Sam, and also torture. What else is there to say??

…okay, fine, let’s add some background.

How did you come up with the idea?

Sam’s been hurt a lot, hasn’t he? He gets injured every other episode, he gets tied up and threatened and tortured, he gets choked and stabbed and conked on the noggin and everything else under the sun. It’s why we love him. But most everything that’s happened to him (with the big ol’ glaring exception of the Cage) has been, if not wholly unanticipated, at least a shock in that moment. On the job, then acute hurt, then relative safety. When he’s in a fight, he can give as good as he gets. If he’s abducted, it’s a surprise, and it’s temporary. If he’s killed, it’s sudden, and he’s coming back. Even though hideous injury is a predictable hazard of his occupation, Sam hasn’t really been in a prolonged period of helplessness/anticipation of injury without a reasonable hope of escaping it or fighting back… at least, not on Earth.

In the Cage, on the other hand, Sam experienced unimaginably brutal and creative abuse, with no hope of escape or fighting back or rescue, and with every anticipation that each new day would be more absurdly unbearable than the last. But… he also didn’t need to be functional, per se, not beyond whatever variable standard of “entertaining” that Lucifer specified. He didn’t have to pull himself together to research a case or interact with civilians or navigate the nuanced and thorny complexities of his relationship with Dean.  

Basically, Sam’s day-to-day struggles are stressful and ongoing and dangerous, but he never knows precisely what to expect, and he knows he’s generally equipped to fight back; his time in the Cage was a lot more morbidly predictable and inevitable, but there was no requirement to be a sane, productive member of society.

So….. what if we combined the best worst of both worlds? What if Sam got an exact time and date and description for the hurt, a who what when where, without any way for him to fight or avoid it? And it would just keep happening, but in between, he had to keep living his life? What if, on top of that, it was the worst thing he could imagine: a return to the Cage? (Trauma is nice but REtrauma is nicer.) How do would he deal with THAT flavor of ongoing trauma—something unlike anything he’s felt before? 

Hence… the premise of Awake, Arise, which I tossed around in my mind for a few years, sort of fruitlessly wishing someone else would think of the same idea and write it. (I found a few stories with premises that were… vaguely similar but not quite there.) Eventually, I realized I’d have to be the change I wanted to see in the world. Or some such thing.

Why is it set in season 9?

Short answer? Not to put too fine a point on it, but adding Lucifer to s9 makes a stew that I think most embodies what I see as SPN’s mission statement: “Sam Winchester navigates various abusive relationships, of varying severity, to varying degrees of success.”

Longer justification: first of all, it’s gotta be after season 7—so that Sam’s in a place of relative functionality—and before season 11—so that Lucifer’s got little hope for imminent rescue. So that narrows the field a little.

And then I got to thinking about the other goals I had for a fic (y’know, beyond just endlessly self-indulgent Lucifer and Sam convos and Cage headcanons, which is my real genre of choice), and I realized I really, REALLY wanted to deal with the intricacies of Sam and Dean’s post-Gadreel relationship. The newly Mark’ed Dean is looking for absolution that Sam’s in absolutely no mood to give. Sam’s reeling from possession and betrayal; he’s trying, for the first time in a long time, to set some boundaries in their relationship. What better time to make things EVEN WORSE, than when Sam’s already got to navigate his victimhood at the hands of his own brother? What better time to add in Lucifer as both foil and cruel truth-teller?

Other things to love in season 9: Dean’s, erm, complicated relationship with violence and torture and Sam-as-victim is being exacerbated by the Mark (oh Dean, you scary bastard, I do love you)… and Cas and Sam’s friendship is both touchingly close and more than a tad off (”the only one who’s screwed up worse than you is me”, anyone?)… and Gadreel, whom I love, is hanging around to be a Sam-mirror (they should be friends but they’re very much noooot ahahaha)… 

What’s with the title?

“Awake, arise, or be forever fall’n” is a Paradise Lost quote. It’s Satan’s rallying cry to the other angels who have fallen from God’s grace: he’s telling them that he’s their only salvation. 

How closely is it going to follow canon events?

I’m operating under the logic that the ONLY thing that’s altered between canon and the Awake Arise universe is the existence of Abaddon’s spell. That being said, the addition of Lucifer to the season 9 chessboard upsets the plans of quite a few players, and changes the Sam’n’Dean dynamic dramatically! There are a lot of fun implications that come from that one alteration, so while  generally, facts that are true in canon remain true here, the landscape’s gonna look pretty different in the end.

Was this your first real attempt at creative writing?

Yepppp. It’s not my first fic ever (that dubious distinction belongs to a very short piece I wrote in about an hour right after 11.09 because holy shit 11.09 was not fucking around), but it’s the first one I’ve ever expended serious effort on. When I started writing it in 2017, I didn’t think of myself as any kind of an author. I think my writing has improved since then, and hopefully it will continue to improve.

It’s incredibly self indulgent, isn’t it?

Why, yes. Yes, it is. It is an excuse for my id to hurt Sam in fun new ways. I tacked intellectual character justifications onto it post hoc.

Are you ever going to update?

Yes. I am going to see this unholy thing through to the bitter end (which btw is already written). Chapter 17 is about three-quarters done.  

How long is it going to be?

Who knows! It began life with a broad fifteen chapter outline, but I kept thinking of more things to add to the middle, and then I needed additional things to connect those things in ways that made sense… you get the picture. Right now my outline has bloated to 33 chapters, and it’s almost certainly going to be longer than that.

And there’s my commentary! Thanks for asking!! I’m not even sure what people are most interested in knowing about this piece, since it’s a WIP… so if there’s some burning question or idle curiosity I didn’t cover, drop me a line!

[granvarones]

How Afro-Latinx Queer Non-Binary Artist is taking control of their Musical Destiny

The musical landscape has changed drastically since my days of buying cassette tapes and consuming music via BET’s Video Soul. Lawd, I still miss me some Donnie Simpson and Sherry Carter!

We now exist and thankfully so, during a period when artists can create art on their own terms and share it with their fan base and the world on their own terms. This has been the journey of Kareem. The Lancaster, Pennsylvania based Afro-Latinx Queer Non-Binary singer, songwriter, and producer, Kareem, who uses They/Them pronouns, is taking full advantage of how we consume music in 2018 while pushing the envelope of what is represented in music.

I met up with the magical Kareem a few weeks ago to talk about their journey, their healing and their new album, “Silhouette of a Black Queer.”

Louie: So when did you get the inkling that you could sing?

Kareem: I started singing when I was five and actually it was discovered by my aunt. She was a singer as well and I look up to her so much. She is a gospel singer. I grew up in the church and that is where I got my singing chops. One day in church, I was singing and mimicking her, just making fun of her and how she sang. I didn’t know that she was behind me. So I turned around and she was like, “What are you doing?” I thought I was in trouble but she took me to the youth pastor had me sing for him. That’s when I realized I had a gift.

Louie: Did that experience give you confidence?

Kareem: I was always very uncomfortable with it because I didn’t know what it was given to me for. Because I was very uncomfortable in my own skin, I was bullied a lot. I was told that I was ugly. I was told many things about myself. I had a low self-esteem. I was very depressed. I didn’t look at myself as worth anything or with any talent. It wasn’t until I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, who would say some nasty shit to me like “Kill yourself.”, that I really began to search for what I really wanted for myself and music was a way to cope with a lot of the feelings I was dealing with. I channeled all of it into music.

Louie: So your first EP, “Zesty: The EP” was released just a little over a year ago, 13 months to be exact, what was that like for you?

Kareem: I did the whole project on my iPhone 6. I didn’t have the resources so I was just like I am gonna utilize what I have and make something and it turned out to be better than what I expected. With this project, I talked about what it’s like to be an Afro-Boricua, non-binary. I talk about sexual assault. I talk about sexual liberation. I talk about stuff that is very important to me. A lot of the times when I was growing up, I was locked in this fuckin’ box and I had to conform t everybody else’s standard of what they wanted me to be. And I dealt with that in very unhealthy ways. But looking back, I see my growth. I appreciate who I am as a person. It has made me fall in love with my community more and more and has made we want to be more active and be somebody that can reach out and pull somebody out of that space.

Louie: Falling in love with ourselves can help to save our lives sometimes.

Kareem: I look in the mirror and I am very comfortable in my skin now. I will throw on a full lace front and pump out in public! I would have never imagined at 16 that I would be out here with full bundles! It feels great to out and actually be myself. I get looks and I don’t give a fuck. If you have a problem, I am right here! Come say something to me!

Louie: What has been the toughest part of your musical journey?

Kareem: I was in talks with Atlantic Records, that fell through because they tried to have too much control over me as an artist and they were trying to make me do things that were out of my morality and wanted me to stop doing the type of music that I wanted to do. We could not reach a middle a ground so they just x’ed it out and I was devastated because I thought that we could make something work.

Louie: Fun fact, I have a similar experience. Almost got signed to one of the largest Dance Music labels and walked away when they wanted me to be something I wasn’t. I’ll do a twitter thread about it one day. But that was in 1997 and back then, the thought of creating music on a phone seemed like science fiction. That’s why I love artists like yourself. You are manifesting your own destiny and that is fuckin’ inspiring.

Kareem: That makes me feel very good because I never saw myself being like this at all or doing anything like this. Having people rooting for me, I don’t take that for granted at all. It makes me feel good because I wanted to make music that was authentic, that expressed what I have experienced, what Black queer and trans people go through. I know what it’s like growing up and not seeing myself.

Louie: Is that what inspired the title of the album?

Kareem: It’s called “Silhouette of a Black Queer.” Knowing that there’s not enough representation but I also know that my experience may not be exactly like everyone else's. We may have similarities. Two of the big things we have are, Blackness and we also have our queerness. So that why I call it Silhouette of a Black Queer. I came up with while I was at the club. I took a picture and I was like “what do I wanna caption this?” and it just came to me.

One of my favorite tracks on the album is a song called “Nasty Queer.” It is everything! I love it because I have never been free to able to talk like that. I did wonder, “What are my parents gonna think when they hear this shit?” But I gotta not worry about what people are gonna think and I gotta have fun.

Louie: If I was a recording artist my sound and visual would so be like Janet Jackson. That is because as a kid, she was the epitome of the perfect Popstar. Who was your “Janet” growing up?

Kareem: Beyoncé! But I get a lot of influences from Black women because they are the ones that I listened to when I was going through all my bullshit in high school and they grace me all my courage and they have been the ones to always root for me and I appreciate that so much. Black women have always been at the forefront of my success. My sister and my cousins have helped me to get to this point and I am always going to elevate and support them. Black women!

Louie: Is Beyoncé to you what Mariah is to me?

Kareem: Yes but I also gravitate toward different artists. There’s Phylis Hyman, Aretha Franklin, Patti LaBelle, Gladys Knight, Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Toni Braxton, There are so many artists that I listened to, that I grew up on. Their music has stood the test o time and now I’m trying to pull from their sound – give me some of this, give me some of that and make it my own. And you hear those influences throughout the album.

Louie: I am so excited for you and excited to listen to the album. 

Kareem: I am really happy about this project because it has taken many months and setbacks. I wrote every single song. I produced 80% of the album myself. The backing track of “Sprung” is produced by my 13-year-old Puerto Rican cousin who lives in New York. I remember going to visit him and he was like “let me play you some of my stuff” and I was like, “Oh shit! What the fuck!” I was like in a trance, I was like I need this, hand it over! I love seeing young people doing artistic stuff. Because for me, I suppressed a lot of that stuff because of my issues. If I knew that this could be an outlet earlier on in the game, I know I would have been further along. But I am good and getting to where I need to be. This is a good body of work. it covers a lot of things I advocate for and things that I am going through.

I feel like people are seeing a growth of me from the beginning of my career until now. I am actually very relaxed about releasing this album. I don’t have anything to critique about this. It’s perfect as it is.

“Silhouette of a Black Queer” is available on all music streaming sites. 

Interviewed and Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca

[paraclete0407]

I feel I have done little but to attack the Christians right and left who actually looked out for my body as well as spirit and kept me company when no one would and inspired me not to lust or get in political arguments or strain every muscle-fiber and sweat every drop to displace an immoveable object and for their trouble I am basically mad at them for what they have that I don’t - your wife, your muscles, your training, your past, your firm footing in life, where you’re going.  I just lack passion and affection and neighbors / friends and more passion, try to be ‘technical’ about everything, preaching about good relationships and sacrificial generosity.  I read ‘The Meaning of Marriage’ and realized that husband and wife could be one flesh - it clicked - but IDK why I tried to share this.

All these novel-ideas and I like to set up sentiments and situations but then too I feel as if Korea is practically my only reality - a if, like I said on my last night, ‘This is the first thing I gained’ - and now the present absence or distance is the ‘operative condition’ of my life or the ‘keynote.’  I also realize now that I fell in to the Millennial / Miles Klee (in past) habit of sophisticated coastal elites writing evocations of ‘wholesome’ Midwesterners or Southerners, with the implication being that they will sooner or later become - to take a short leap of intuition - media, or, education.  I guess Kent Haruf is all about this where the characters are defined by adultery or trying to play the white knight or I had a thought of ‘Teacher Dream’ where all these utility clerks pushing in carts and I felt glad at first to remark to myself I am carrying multitudes of learning but then felt sad I wasn’t doing anything much but muse about what I used to be.  I got in the habit of trying to open bout my personal story / narrative concerning Christian belief but now some people won’t even stay on the phone if I mention NK and play games about anything.  Am I a drug pusher?  I wasn’t even asking for money, just expanding on my interest as the other person had expanded.

I don’t thik it’s not even a big deal - Milwaukee could get nuked or attacked by neo-Nazi’s with bombs and assault weapons with all these mixed-race marriages and adoptions and I know for a fact Wisc’s got neo-Nazis all over.  Nuclear war!  Not a lot of manufacturing left in some areas or farmland, just old buildings and human souls.  Everyone was starting to believe that C-19 was over but then Delta and I started to remember everything from ‘16 and how my spirit wants to drive as fast as possible around be prepared for welcome our angelic invaders / victors (literally); I felt as if the heavenly military have hair-triggers and just open fire if they see sth they don’t like.  

I had tried to elevate my understanding of the Midwestern soul or the customary ‘course of life’ in terms of male self-consciousness or expectations-versus-outcome which in retrospect was not as comprehensively smart as I had liked to believe but only beautiful and pleasing to the intellect.  My ideas about the Midwestern novel helped make me a friend but in retrospect I don’t know why I even tried to get in to the genre when my whole image of life is here just somehow being and/or being with Koreans.  

I feel sometimes as if I don’t really know anyone and for a long time my main character has been some clone or graft of my brother.  I’ve lost my standards.  I just look at all the world going by.  Maybe I ought to just pray and write poems for a while since I have a sense of what is going on or at least what I hope will soon be happening.

I keep reading books too and I bought up all the books I could then got rid of them.  

I had been living in a case of ‘eventually’ for years and didn’t realize the Covid ‘revolution’ or Delta would suddenly appear and I would be regarding ‘last things.’

I keep wondering whether I ought to talk about Korea or Asians at all.  It’s - they are - my one hit-you-up lapel-grab button-hole and tell tell tell.  In this time of wanting to give away one’s best I am like pine-tree, ‘far away and over there,’ beautiful and intense.  People back away from me.

I wonder whether everyone feels as confident as I do in their understanding of what’s going on right now in history - and whether it’s even useful or even acceptable to talk about it that way as it sounds like total Marxism.  Anyway I was talking about Satan and Judgment and I mean it 100% literally and I saw it and recognized and heard the word for it, ‘Judgment.’  I wonder whether Tolstoy in War and Peace was 100% confident in having the character label Napoleon anti-Christ and who’s the instantiation or manifestation of anti-Christ today if that is ‘dispensationally appropriate / valid.’  I read Coronavirus and Christ numerous times and feel it cannot be quite the last days but then since when does David J. Johnston not believe that he likes believing?  But sincerely and fully who’s out there saying anti-Christ stuff like oppressing religion?  I feel I’m only against false religions but then I go around being not very loving to anyone and only excuse myself - ‘an excuse is twice is a lie’ - by dint of that no one ever opens to me here.  [relationship is no].  Sleep on street in K-Town LA just if I’m in LA I want a projectile weapon.  

...Who’s the one saying everyone can be together today and religion is bad?  I almost feel it’s Anglo America with Christopher Hitchens (St. Theresa bad, alcohol good, nuke North Korean ‘dwarves,’ making special stipulations so that not only can he not live a believing life but ‘if I die and want God that’s not me’), Johnson acting like he understands everything; America(?).  I remember when I read the Obergefell opinion there was the phrase ‘love that lasts beyond life’ or something.  It made me think of stones in Egypt and stuff or the Middle East(?).  I wonder am I a terrible person just for having certain pure ideas?  People appear to look at me and go like, ‘Solzhenitsyn, Hobby Lobby,’ just attacking others’ values wile I’m really a misogynist casual rapist.  

I’m just trying to supply some narrative for why I came to crystallized convictions after years of studying and writing.  My friend said ‘pastors who study porn are disgusting’ which I agree with but then part of me is like there’s evil everywhere; someone’s gotta study war, pornography, weapons, fat people ~ but I see like no good; I see ‘image-aspirations’ and ‘identitkits.’  She wanted me to teach AmLit which I felt like it sends all kinds of confused messages that lead to disappointment and all of these Rutgers girls believed they were Jane Austen and that’s again why I say send your daughters to Bethlehem Seminary and just learn from OT NT faithful women b/c the rst are literal ‘Gossip Girl’ that I can tell or it’s just sad but I don’t wanna be Norman Mailer and attack the corporate cool girl - Generation Alpha’s rising and here I am coping, depressed they just wants sports-based instructional design.  They appear to want nothing or IDK; pressure their parents.  Am I just seeing the same narrative again about the MS cafeteria, the Lunchable someone has and I don’t and I am ‘special’ and feel ‘proud’ if not a ‘solemn pride’ that my mom gave me healthier foods but then believed I would get the big-ticket items we were saving up for - it’s ancient history but part of why I lost my mind and nearly my life in quest of a) personal glory or vindication that I’m not like others and b) ‘educational justice’ or ‘fairness’

I remember how when I first lived in South Korea I was reading St. Augustine partly because it is interesting and lovely and talks about the reading life and growing up, love-failure,’ parents’ weird maniacal greed and impatience to become grandparents, and incredible things about history and the heart and pedagogy and basically everything, which is why I feel as though ‘Confessions’ but also ‘City of God’ are covering the whole sky right now, people rediscovering the actual existence of sin, the violence of history (which some are lip-licking for), the ways in Time and in Eternity...

At that time I felt reading ‘Confessions’ and much else made me better than others or that ultimately I was not required to deal with some people or look at them that carefully nor wonder how they got to be the way they were as I could just stay with my books and have consolation and uplift.  I wanted to write my own ‘Midwestern novel’ with the title ‘And I Will Give You Rest’ and the topic of coping, basically or abandoning desires and ambitions.  My other novel ‘Commitment’ is going out the window I’m afraid since the desire or intention it reflects is rapidly coming up to me as reality.  On Grace to You the description of ‘rest’ included ‘lack of apprehension.’   I also felt that since my parents and younger brother appeared to be night-terminally obstructing my aspirations through unlawful backhanded means I would include my ‘confinement’ I might as well ‘mix in Eastern and Western characters’ and talk about the present world-situation but it’s still fiction at a terrible moment in Time and I sincerely feel that America and England are defending values and ideas that aren’t even really good for anyone.  Kindness and gentleness and rights and non-enslavement to the state and absence of a state religion such as in NK (from what I can tell), are excellent, but chauvinism, complacence, some aspects of procedural and parliamentary governance.  

I also remembered how at 27 and then 34 I’d fall asleep when I saw someone really beautiful.  One of these people made me feel lost without resources and the other gave me a notion of living love.

I feel as if my whole life is actually one story which circles around a dream I had in 2015 about birth but also involves this beauty of holding love; honestly I do not know why else I am still alive as I have contributed so little economically.

[woodys]

✸♡. Where would I be without   🎶  F R I E N D S  🎶  !! .♡✸

In the last few years i’ve always come to love and look forward to the summertime. It always seems to be the time of year I have the biggest adventures, funnest moments, and get into the craziest things. For instance, I got the once in a lifetime chance to see my favorite musical, Hamilton, live. At the same time, Magikarp became one of my top favorite beloved water Pokechildren, right after that I played myself getting tripped into infinite video game hell with four losers on a road trip in my first Final Fantasy game. I watched my favorite speedy hedgehog and his friends RISE BACK to their glory in a True Blue™ revive and just when I thought all dreams couldn’t be reality TOY STORY shows up in KINGDOM HEARTS ya’ll. TOY STORY GONNA BE IN KINGDOM HEARTS YA’LL.

That said, with all of those things, I took notice how just about everything this summer’s offered me has had some unifying line of friendship tucked in it somewhere. And as I rode out Hurricane Harvey, I realized just how great friends are and—just like the many video game characters I adore and love—how good are the ones that motivate, encourage, and surround me. As many of you do or don’t know by now i’ve always gotta close my a one great summer send off post! And though this one’s a bit LATE no thanks to Hurricane Harvey craziness, I couldn’t let the tradition die! For third year in a row ( ♫ WITH THE HELP OF HYPER POTIONS YET AGAIN ♥ ♫ )  here’s another commemoration a huge summer of growth in my life and a big thanks all of you for being a friend! Whether you realize you’ve been one to me or not! ♥ 

✨ — OLD FRIENDS!  

After all of my years saying that my summer commemoration posts aren’t follow forevers, ya’ll are the ones who finally make this post an Official™ “Follow Forever”. Cause I really have followed you for two to three years now! And I probably will again if I remade another blog! And a blog after that! Ya’ll make my dash HOME and the time that I waste here on Tumblr is always worth it because I get to see you. Thanks for being so epic for all these years! 

☼  @kiliroleplays ☼ @skiwalkerrey ☼ @kataaras ☼ @disappointedwrites ☼ @lucasdelcs ☼ @fitzsimmonsofrp  ☼ @jodiewrites ☼ @nickwldes ☼  @sweetpandarps ☼ @clairetvmples ☼ @jessicuhjcnes ☼ @billsprestonesquiree  ☼ @haywilliams ☼  @crystalreedwrites ☼ @atalantaa ☼

🌱 — NEW FRIENDS! 

I picked up a handful of you before the summer, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less. You’ve added new shades of color to my life and every time I see your url or when we talk it’s always the best reminder of why the days so far this year have been that much more brighter!

✧  @lizzyxrps ✧ @karlasouzawrites✧ @blu3crystalbrax ✧ @pastelseasidedancer✧ @reputationwrites✧ @qvakewrites / @starswritten​✧ @beverlymvrsh ✧ @tulirps ✧ @ladymacbeths ✧ @robertsonwrites  ✧ @trishwvlker  ✧ @kazdarling  ✧ @yourmuseco  ✧

👋🏾 — THE ‘YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME TOO’ FRIENDS!

Our posts are so very different, but here you are anyways! Though we hardly talk or chat, when we do there’s always a sparkle in my eyes because you’re always so kind to me and are all such wonderful people who I love to follow along with on my dash. If you ever need anything, i’ve gotchu! Because yes! I every much consider each of you as distant friends. ♥

@steinfeldofrph ✿ @victnam ✿ @dannyphantomrps ✿ @bobbybrigs ✿ @ofmymuses ✿ @queenchiddy ✿ @perfectxplaces ✿

There’s plenty more super special friends i’ve acknowledged under the cut, because I didn’t want this looking too long on your dashboards. But again, to all I say, thanks for another fantastic summer and even MORE thanks for being a Friend™! ♥ 

—Another special shoutout to @pandora-box-of-mind for the two wonderful, adorable, commissions that are apart of the gifs in my graphic. I can’t wait to commission you again, Pandora! ♥ (The art in middle graphic though, belongs to me y’all!! 😩 🙌🏽 )

🌻 — THE ‘ROYAL AVENUE’ FRIENDS

Ah yes, another year, another space to tag all of you in. Royal Avenue™ sounds fancy, but actually it’s just the name of a Pokemon theme I jam to all the time ;u;  Das because I love y’all and you’re my jam.♥   I probably tell some of yall that all the time by how much we talk. But now like this everyone can see me say it.  And most of you are my partners too and I’m sorry excessive yelling over video games kept me away from replies this summer.

❀ @pixiedustrps ❀ @maliatating ❀ @xkatiewrites ❀ @partycrouchwrites ❀ @elenaqilberts ❀ @fireheartwrites  ❀ @sherihollcnd  ❀ @whatsernamerps  ❀ @horan-rps  ❀ @alaskawritcs  ❀ @wcmanizer  ❀ @mezzymuffin  ❀ @asoftsounds  ❀ @maddybunny  ❀ @fist-of-derp  ❀

👾 🎮 — THE SUPER GAMING CREW FRIENDS

For as long as i’ve associated myself with the RPC I always used to feel so self conscious about posting gaming content because of how it didn’t meet whatever weird “aesthetic and FC” standard I felt RP blogs should have. I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing, but as i’ve finally grown to confidently reflect my interests onto my own blog, you three are the ones are the first i’ve personally ever seen in this community to do so with beauty and grace and it’s inspired me everyday to feel it’s okay not to post what everyone posts and love what you love! I love seeing the games you love, and I love talking with you about them too! I’m glad they led me to you!

@xgarnetwrites​ ϟ @arcvnums​ ϟ @flowerhelps​ ϟ 

💕 — THE FAMILY I NEVER KNEW FRIENDS!

I remember the first time Chris asked me to join the group chat back in y’alls Skype days and honestly, I can’t believe I went so long in my life without all of you. On nights I felt like endlessly crying, you made me laugh until my sides ached. On days I felt like giving up, all of you were there to cheer me on—even when you had your own burden of problems. They say friends are the family you choose for yourself, and i’m so blesst™ all of you chose little ole’ me. ☺️

♡ @jeauxlyne ♡ @josukegod ♡ @sharkmama ♡ @sauceaonmyballs ♡ @shinjiswhatever ♡ @sir-introvert ♡ AND OFC ALWAYS YOU @aeoneon ♡

And now for a set of LET ME HOLLA AT YOU FRIENDS

[ Taylor Swift’s Best Friend ( @starshineswrite ) ] - I know what you’re thinking: ‘wtf mimi we’re not even that close for me to earn this space’ but THAT doesn’t mean i’m not making this space for you anyways!!! I adore you so much Kat. You’re so strong even when you have to go through the stupidest stuff. I love when we talk. I loved earlier this year when we got to heart to heart. I just wanted to remind you again just how amazing you are and how much I love you. I’m actually high key excited to experience Reputation with you. :’D

[ The Ladybug Friend ( @pcnnywises ) ] - Even though I don’t say it as much as I used to, and when you doubt that I do, I love you so much bbgirl. I’ll never forget the day you messaged me and we talked the whole day nonstop and after being mutuals I was so happy that you did. I adore you. And all your 654654654651 celeb crushes. You’re wonderful and don’t you forget it. ♥

[ The Friend from the Lyon’s™ Den ( @b-almighty ) ] - Kay it always amuses me so much that I found you through your amazing Empire liveblogs and we ended up having RIDICULOUSLY so much more  in common. I know we hardly talk, but I really appreciate you and I love watching you blog about everything else you love. 

[The ‘dang I wish I could be you, Friend ( @plumwrites ) ] - For years now your posts have made me laugh and your no nonsense attitude has been a delight in my life. I love reading the posts, your tags, and responses you make to things and just thinking ‘dang I wish I could be like bridge about things’. I just love how real you are and I wish I can get some guts to be like that one day. I know you’ve been going through some things recently, but you’re always on my mind. ♥ If you need anything just shout!

[ Lady’s Best Friend ( @amcthystwrites) ] - I’m really sorry this summer wasn’t one of our best ones. That’s mostly on my part, but already I see things shaping back together as they were before and I never doubted that it’d happen that way.

[ Dearly Beloved™ ( @naaatalie ) ] - [ DOING THE 400 CHARACTERS OR LESS CHALLENGE ] I try my best not to get sappy on you often, but I do want you to know how happy you make me and that I can’t express how grateful I am for you. ♥ I’m genuinely so honored and fortunate that after these years you made the choice to Keep™ me and now we’ve got TWO giant, amazing, universes filled with the hugest variety characters that i’m far beyond excited to see grow with you. You’re the Umbra to my Pryna, my penpal, my bestie, The Ruthless Angst Master™. I’ve got so much to thank you for. ♥

TILL NEXT SUMMER YALL!!! ♥

[mrevaunit42]

The First Day (Boku no hero Academia au part 3)

Hello everyone, Mr.E here, still very much writing. haha sorry for not updating, I’ve been pretty busy and honestly kinda wanderlust in terms of what I want to write but here we are with the next chapter of my hero academia au for star vs.

So i wanted to do my own version of the first day of school and i felt like this was the best way. Since I kept writing and stopping cuz life kept making me deal with it, it feels a little off to me. Probably not my best work but i Hope you get some enjoyment out of it all the same. 

So some notes Bold mean the standard Adult Marco flashback in the vein of Adult Deku telling his story similar to the show and bold and italics is a new thing i tried to keep with the spirit of the anime and that is someone quickly explaining someone’s quirk. I felt it was a fun nod to the anime and in case You are wondering who is present Mic in this au, it’s Ruberiot because of course it is.

that’s it for me. have an amazing week and i hope you enjoy the story!

here is the link to part one https://mrevaunit42.tumblr.com/post/162853635472/im-going-to-be-a-hero-boku-no-academia-au-part

Notification squad: @artgirllullaby @ladyxgilex @nerdymetalhead @minthia-ren @thefandombytes @hipster-rapunzel @isolated-frequencies @burstingamerworld @sineston

I remember the first day of school well. How could I forget the uncontrolled joy, the sheer exhilaration of seeing that wonderful building with the knowledge I had finally made it. My determination, my drive, my unwillingness to give up and live a mundane, boring life to be the hero I always dreamed of. The hero I always hoped I  could be.

Of course it was on that day I realized how far I had to go. I swear I can still feel the aches in my bones and muscles just thinking about that day....

Marco could feel his body trembling with excitement as he passed through the school security gate.

His first day at UA high.

“How...terrifying” Marco muttered to himself, letting out a tense sigh “Okay Marco, you got this! You proved you deserve to be here! YOU ARE A HERO!”

Marco flushed as dozens upon dozens of eyes fell on him, a mixture of emotions in their gazes but all the young teen felt was embarrassment.

Marco rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as the crowd's attention shifted elsewhere.

“I really gotta learn to control myself” Marco murmured awkwardly.

“Why?” A familiar voice answered “I think it be good for you to stop overthinking and relax for once in your life.”

Marco's face burned as a pair of arms fondly wrapped themselves around him though his body tiled unsteadily from the added weight.

Marco flailed, his arms reaching for anything but there was nothing within reach and he began to stumble.

“Whoa there” there was a soft fluttering of wings, a pair of gentle hands steadying him while the person backed away from the panicking Marco.

Marco let out yet another tense sigh. There was a brief thought that wondered how often did he perform the gesture but the train of thought was derailed as Star Butterfly hovered into view, a small yet soft smile gracing her face as she waved hello.

“Morning Marco!” Star beamed

“Morning Star” Marco greeted in return while the blonde haired girl planted her feet back onto the ground “ you really shouldn't sneak up on people....”

“and you shouldn't stand in the middle of the road muttering to yourself” Star countered with a smirk “But we're going to do what we're going to do.”

Marco scratched his cheek “Yeah...sorry.....I'm not used to...”

“People sneaking up on you?” Star offered as the pair continued their trek to class

“Friends hugging me.....” Marc whispered timidly

Marco blinked in surprised: Star let out an insanely cute coo before wrapping an arm around his neck and drawing him in close.

Star grinned happily at him “Get used to it buddy, I'm a hugger”

Marco chuckled softly, trying to ignore the racing of his heart “I would've never guessed.”

Star gasped mockingly “What? No way! You're more wrapped up in your head than I thought.”

Marco snickered “Cool it Butterfly just because you're my best friend doesn't mean you can get away with anything you want.”

Marco strolled into the room unaware that Star had released her grip on him and was standing in the hallway, completely dumbfounded by his words.

“Best friend?” Star muttered before letting a joyful “YES!” and pumping a fist into the air.

Marco shook his head as he slid open the classroom door, Star was just too endearing and cute....

“Huh?”

Marco stared, uncertain if he was seeing what he thought he saw.

He pulled his head out of the doorway for a moment and glanced upwards. 1A the sign read so this was his class but why there were only a handful of students inside especially on the first day?

Star made her way over to her best friend, a quizzical look on her face

“What's up Marco?”

Marco frowned “Nothing I guess? I thought I was in the wrong class for a second since the bell's about to ring and there's almost nobody here.”

“There is a reason for that Mr. Diaz.” a cool voice called from behind

Startled, Marco and Star whirled around to find Moon Butterfly standing there.

“M-Mrs. B-Butterfly! Good Morning” Marco bowed quickly while Star gave a cheery “Morning mom!”

“Morning Mr. Diaz, sweetie.” She gave a short nod “Please take your seats and I shall inform you where your missing classmates have gone.”

Marco and Star exchanged a look but said nothing, opting to take their seats instead.

It was so strange to be in class that nearly devoid of life but Moon quickly answered the question the 8 students were thinking of.

“The rest of your classmates are with my fellow teacher All Might” Moon told them

“All Might?! He's a teacher?! AT UA?!” Marco burst out loud.

Marco felt his ears burn when Moon's eyes narrowed on his face, the quiet snickering of his classmates echoing in his ears.

“Yes....” Moon began slowly “After many years, he finally decided to take up a position at UA since his personal affairs have...recently taken care of.”

Marco's throat felt dry as Moon's knowing gaze finally left him and scanned the rest of the room.

'She knows' Marco thought to himself 'She knows I have One for All.....'

“You are probably wondering why you are not with the rest of your class.”

Tom scoffed, waving their teacher's statement off “It's clear you wanted to talk to the top students of the entrance exam personally. Oh and Marco too”

Marco growled under his breath, clutching at the edges of his table angrily.

“Yes Mr. Lucitor, you are correct....”

Tom smirked proudly

“...well, partially correct.”

Tom's face fell as the room broke into hushed whispers.

Moon sat at the edge of her desk, her face stony and indifferent.

“As Mr. Lucitor was so kind to arrogantly point out, you eight scored the highest of all the applicants.”

Marco gazed about the room: Tom (because of course he did), Janna, Jackie (his heart skipped a beat), Ferguson, Alfonzo, Sabrina and Star.

Wait, where was the 8th...?

Marco mentally smacked himself upon realizing he failed to count himself out of habit.

“So naturally” Moon went on without missing a beat “Expectations are high for you 8.”

“Naturally” Janna smugly replied.

“Which is why you will be taking a special test today. One that determines if you stay at UA or not.”

A nauseous feeling formed in the pit of Marco's stomach as the classroom fell deathly silent.

“Hey!” Tom shot to his feet furiously “That's not fair! We passed the test fair and square, why are we being punished for that?”

“Fair?” Moon repeated with a steely edge to her voice “You seem to have a rather skewed perception of fair Mr. Lucitor.”

“Why you...” Tom began but Moon ignored him

“You all did exceedingly well in the examination but simply put, just because the others are convinced you will go on to do great things does not mean I share their sentiments.”

Moon pushed off her desk and stood at full height, making eye contact with every single person in the room

“And before you can complain that I can't do this” Tom openly glared but Moon paid no mind “I have expelled entire classes before and it's well within my power to do so. I do not sugarcoat anything. My fellow faculty members expect you to thrive here. I'm here to ensure their faith is not misplaced. As a hero, the world will place you on a pedestal whether you like it or not and they will not hesitate expect your success or remind you of your failure. ”

Marco gulped. Despite the general, almost conversational tone Moon took, he couldn't shake the feeling that she was speaking directly to him. He was River's successor and it was his duty to live up to his idol's expectations. If Marco was to be the next symbol of peace, failure could not be an option yet it would always linger.

Always.....

“Please gather your things and follow me.”

Marco's sense of dread only grew as the class quietly shuffled after their teacher.

20 minutes and one change of clothes later, the eight found themselves in a rather strange location: It was a well kept grassy plain surround by a loose ring of trees. The now dark blue and white track suit wearing students stood to one side of the groove as their teacher stoically remained in the center.

Moon had changed too though her attire was far more menacing: She wore a long black riding cloak over with her simple yet elegant chain-mail, thick bandages wrapped around her forearms with her long periwinkle blue hair braided into a single ponytail while a pair of strange goggles with multiple slits rested over her eyes.

Marco's body tensed upon the realization that she must've changed into her hero costume. The Queen was not holding anything back.

Moon turned her attention to the group of teens or at least that's what Marco thought. It was very hard to tell where or who she was exactly looking at with those strange goggles of hers.

“This is your final warning” Moon cracked her knuckles threateningly “This is UA. You will be bruised, you will get hurt and while your life will not be in danger, that doesn't mean we're going to go easy on you. If you want to back out, now is the time to do so.”

Her question was met with silence and determined gazes.

“Very well” Moon smirked as she fished out a dark blue cloth from her pocket “Let's get straight to the point: This is a UA flag, nothing special aside being used to show your school spirit.”

She wrapped it tightly around her forehead.

“Whoever helps get this off my head will stay at UA. Everyone else will be expelled at once and do not worry, I won't be using my quirk. It wouldn't be very sporting of me.”

“Wait!” Marco shouted alongside the choir of outraged students “Are you saying only one of us gets to pass?!”

Moon said nothing. She remained still and lifeless as a breeze swayed the folds of her cloak.

Tom snarled furiously, his hands bursting into flames “Fine! I'll just have to rip that stupid thing off your head!”

“Tom wait!” Marco reached for the hot headed teen but found empty air as the angry teen rocketed away, two bright orange flames burst forth from his palms and propelling him towards his opponent.

“I'm the best” Tom growled, his eyes brimming with a righteous fury “And I'm going to prove it to you right here! RIGHT NOW!”

Tom Lucitor-Quirk: Hellfire. Using his internal body heat, Tom can produce flames for various purposes though prolonged use will lead to dehydration and heat exhaustion. The flames become hotter and more powerful the angrier he is. Shocking.  

Moon barely flinched when Tom reached out for the headband.

“Foolish boy”

Tom let out a surprised gasp when Moon sidestepped him effortlessly, his palm sailing inches past her face as she just watched.

“What the hell?!” Tom cussed as Moon reached for his wrist and locked her fingers around it in an iron grip.

Moon shifted her foot sideways as she vaulted the attacking teen over her shoulder and slammed him into the ground. His back tensed from the sudden pain while the air emptied out of his lungs.

Marco stood there dumbfounded and unable to process what just happened: One second Tom was just one swipe away from staying at UA and the next he was face up on the floor, almost completely subdued.

“CHAAAAARGE!” Janna shouted, fist raised in defiance

The others rushed forward, hoping their individual strength would be enough to overwhelm the pro hero. Only Marco remained behind. He knew it would be pointless. The Queen was a spec ops heroine. She was used to being alone and being self sufficient. Even without her quirk, her general knowledge of quirks and their functions made her dangerous. Couple that with her hand to hand skills and there was no way a bunch of new students were going to defeat her....

Marco let out a disappointed sigh. Everything he had gone through, pushing himself further than he'd ever pushed only to have it snatched it away right at the starting line....

It wasn't fair.....it wasn't....

“I'm sorry....”

Marco snapped out of his spiral of depression to find Star next to him, hands clutched tightly behind her back as she hovered anxiously, her blue eyes focused on the battle ahead.

“Star?” Marco asked, unable to keep concern out of his voice.

“This is my fault....” Star answered sorrowfully “I caused this....”

“Star” Marco reached for her but she pulled away

“She's always pushing me, always giving me some new challenge. I thought she'd calm down now that I was actually in UA but it seems like it's only gotten worse....and because of me, everyone's going to lose their chance at their dream....”

“No”

Star turned to Marco.

“We're not giving up” 

"why not?” Star asked, her voice full of frustration “No one here can beat my mom”

To emphasize her point, Star gestured the completely one sided battle taking place before them.

Moon stood still as Jackie rushed ahead of the pack, a thin layer of frost covering her palms. She grinned happily as she skidded to a stop, brushing her hand lightly over the grassy floor.

Jackie Lynn Thomas-Quirk: Water Manipulation. Able to alter H20 on a molecular level, Jackie can create water, steam or ice at a moment's notice. However, this requires immense concentration and often gets Jackie sick. She does not like getting sick.

Ice spread over the plain, crawling closer and closer to Moon's feet in hopes of entrapping the heroine.

Moon clicked her tongue disappointingly as she jumped away from the icy clutches of Jackie's attack and countered with one of her arm wraps.

“What?” Jackie stood up, backing away in surprise but it was too late: The wrap wound itself tightly around her wrist and went taut “What the what?”

Moon pulled with all her strength and sent Jackie helplessly sliding down her own icy field.

“Capture tape” Moon explained as she flicked the bandage over her arm once again “It's designed to be flexible and durable. It's meant to capture the more uncooperative suspects.”

Moon's head snapped at the sound of footsteps crunching against grass.

“Thanks for the distraction Jackie!” Janna smugly shouted as she reached for the headband.

Moon battled away Janna's outstretched arm and counter attacked with a shoulder tackle. Janna let out a pained grunt as she fell to the floor.

“Too obvious” Moon chided.

“Actually” Janna smirked “Just perfect.”

Moon eyed Janna's darkly glowing hand warily when she caught the sounds of fibers being ripped and torn apart, a strange rune over her wraps quickly fading into thin air.

Janna jumped to her feet, shooting her teacher the most cocky grin and finger guns she could muster.

Janna Ordonia- Quirk: Fortune Redirection. After bonding with a person, Janna can use their inherit good or bad luck to affect other beings or objects. While usually the effectiveness of the results often vary, Janna seems to have found a particularly misfortunate person, granting her access to a powerful and consistent source of bad luck.

“That's unlucky” Janna mocked while she rushed at Moon again

“Only the foolish and inexperienced rely on luck” Moon replied as she pulled Janna's arm into a twist and sent her facing the other direction.

Janna winced “Whoa, this isn't very heroic you know?”

“You missed the part where I cared” Moon answered before shoving her towards the timid approach of Sabrina.

Sabrina flinched nervously and used her arms to shield herself from the Janna projectile coming the straight for her.

Janna was expecting to run into flesh. What she actually ran into was a thick, rocky surface that promptly sent her reeling onto the ground.

“Sorry....” Sabrina murmured softly

Sabrina Backintosh- Quirk: Reinforcement. She can harden her skin to a rock-like substance which is useful for the seemingly large amount of bad luck that follows her around. Some wonder if her bad luck and Janna's power are somehow connected.

“Sab” Janna dizzily told the petrified girl “You got to get in there....win for...me...”

Sabrina was unconvinced as Janna dramatically fell unconscious.

“....No....”

“Here comes the Ferg!”

Ferguson barreled forward with his hands inflated to at least three times their sizes and while his run was unsteady, there was a hint of confidence as he inched his way closer to Moon but the confident swagger left him when, instead of scaring the pro hero as he hoped, Moon decided to meet him head on, closing the distance between them.

Ferguson pulled his arm back, ready to take a swing at his teacher when Moon lashed out with an open palm directly to his face.

Ferguson stumbled backwards, arms flailing in a panic despite not actually being hit. Moon let out an annoyed sigh as with a muted pop, Ferguson's entire body puffed up and the boy helplessly rolled away.

Ferguson O'durguson- Quirk: Expansion. By altering muscle mass and fat, Ferguson is able to increase his own body's density. However, when startled, Ferguson's entire body expands at once and while this gives him a powerful defense, it also prevents him from moving normally.

Alfonzo stood at the ready, hand outstretched to stop Ferguson.

Ferguson let out a relived sigh as he came to a complete stop thanks to his best friend “Thanks buddy! You always got my back.”

“umm yeah of course Ferguson” Alfonzo answered back.

Alfonzo Dolittle- Quirk: Afterimage. Alfonzo is able to create static, still images of himself at will. The images will vanish if Alfonzo wants them to, sneezes or when he is asleep. He has accidentally scared himself on more than one occasion.

Moon shot him a questioning look, taunting him to try his luck against her.

Alfonzo took a step back, waving his hands in surrender.

“That's what I thought” Moon muttered. She almost relaxed now that most of the students had been subdued or frightened when a frustrated yell broke through the tense silence.  

“THIS ISN'T OVER!” Tom snarled, his hands ablaze as he drew closer for one final attack on the pro hero “GIVE ME THAT HEADBAND!”

Moon paid no to the raging teen despite how much he clearly was trying to catch her attention. Her ears twitched gently as she picked up the soft noise of ice slowly forming amidst the furious crackle of Tom's flames.

Jackie moved as quickly and quietly as she could, crouching low to sneak up on her seemingly preoccupied foe. There was no way she could take on a pro hero in a head to head battle but if her attention remained on the raging demonic hellspawn, she might just have a chance.  

Moon took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

Tom pulled his arm back, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. His body was exhausted due to the constant exposure to his own flames but he was too lost in rage and adrenaline to care. He was consumed by his fury and was beyond reason. He outstretched his hand, reaching the headband one last time.

Moon let out a frustrated sigh. She shifted her body to the left and as if in a hypnotizing stupor, the two teens followed suite, their single minded determination blinding them to the heroine's plan.

At the last possible moment, Moon dove sideways, dropping into a roll before leaping onto her feet. Her body relaxed as flame and ice collided.

Blue and red irises widened in surprise while they dug their heels in an attempt to stop but it was far too late to do anything. Instinctively, Jackie rose her frost covered arm in front of her face while Tom did the same with his burning limb just as the two smacked into one another.

Jackie and Tom were quickly enveloped by a cloud of steam, their figures obscured as they began cough uncontrollably from the sudden stuffy, smothering heat that overwhelmed them without warning.

Moon stood there, among the groaning and silence of the defeated, still and unmoving. If anyone had impressed her these last few minutes, there was no indication or acknowledgment in her face. She simply was, her face as indifferent as stone.

“See?” Star motioned wildly to emphasize her point “She's barely winded! Nobody here can take on my mom.....”

The blonde's face fell, sorrow filling up her sky blue eyes.

“We're going to get kicked out because of me....I...”

“Star

Star snapped out of her self defeated daze. There was a strange confidence in Marco's tone, one she was certain hadn't been there before. She lifted her gaze to Marco only to find him staring back at her.

“Marco?”

Marco clenched his fist tightly “Star, how fast are you with your wings?”

Star blinked in confusion.

“I...I dunno, pretty fast? I've never really kept track before.”

“ I was hoping for a specific number” A frown graced Marco's face only for a moment before a self assured grin quickly replaced it “But luckily I've got to experience your speed firsthand.”

“Marco?” Star raised an eyebrow but her best friend kept rambling on, muttering to himself about approach and karate lessons “Earth to Maaaaarco. Come in Marco!”

“Huh?” Marco shook away his runaway train of thought “Sorry, I tend to get carried..away...Anyway, I got an idea how to get that headband.”

“Marco” Star began dejectedly “Just stop. If my mom doesn't want you to have that flag, nobody is getting that flag.”

“Exactly!” Marco beamed

“Wha?”

“Don't you get it Star? Nobody is going to get the flag.”

Star nodded questioningly in agreement “Yes, that's what I just said.”

“Which is why we need bodies” Marco replied eagerly.

“Whoa! Marco you're an awesome guy but I'm not killing people for you!”

Marco's face paled “Wait! NO NO NO I mean we need to work together to get that flag! Nobody here can beat your mom on their own but we're not supposed to. If I'm right....”

“Whoever helps get this off my head will stay at UA.”

“...then it won't matter who gets the headband”

Marco felt all confidence drain out of him when he felt Star's hand gently grip his shoulder.

“Alright, what's the plan?”

Marco hid his burning face from Star, trying his best to keep his voice leveled as he told her the plan “We're going to need Al and Sabrina....”

Moon checked her watch briefly as Jackie helped the still slumbering Janna to the side while Tom begrudgingly guided Ferguson to a nearby tree.

“4 tired out, 2 frightened away” Moon murmured to herself “now where's Marco and...”

Moon perked up at the sound of crunching grass approaching her slowly.

She slowly tilted her head and found herself staring at group of four students, a mixture of fear and purpose etched deeply on their faces.

“...Star....” Moon whispered as she turned to face the new challengers “I'm getting rather bored of this so this is your last chance unless you wish to face expulsion.

Star clenched her jaw tightly as she stared down her mother.

“Don't worry Mrs. Butterfly” Marco answered with a respectful tone “We're going to give this our best shot.”

“Then proceed.”

Marco took a step forward and as expected, Moon backed up into a defensive stance.

“Al, NOW!”

Moon blinked in surprise as Alfonzo began running around her in a loose circle.

She narrowed her eyes in suspicion: What was Marco planning? If they thought they could distract her so easily, they were sorely mis...

Moon watched carefully as one Alfonzo became two then three then four then eight. Ten, fifteen, twenty Alfonzo's surrounded her, frozen images of him mid-run filling Moon's sight.

“Clever” She spoke loudly “Nice use of cover.”

“Thanks!” Marco's voice called from her blind spot on the right.

Moon's instincts kicked and with a graceful motion, she whirled around, leg outstretched to meet Marco's assault.

Except it wasn't Marco rushing to meet her. Instead, stumbling her way uneasily through the battlefield was Sabrina, arms flailing wildly as she tried to steady herself

Moon was going to follow through with the kick anyway when something caught her eye. The sun didn't reflect off Sabrina's skin properly...it was almost like it was...

Everything click at once but Moon knew it was too late to stop her momentum. However she could still use it to her advantage despite this setback.

Moon hopped off the ground with one foot, leaning into a spinning wheel kick as she narrowly leapt over Sabrina's head.

Sabrina tumbled forward, chin first into the ground but rather than torn skin, it was skin that had torn up dirt and patches of grass as she skidded to a stop across the floor.

'They used her as a projectile' Moon thought to herself as she unsteadily landed on the balls of her feet 'a distraction for another attack.'

Moon snapped into action, gripping Marco's wrist tightly as he reached for the headband on her forehead. If she had been a second too late, he would've....

Marco pulled back on his restrained arm, dragging the unsuspecting Moon forward and further off balance while reaching for the flag with his free hand.

Moon scowled angrily as she was forced to release Marco and intercept the attempted grab with a well place chop but Marco wasn't done yet: Before the pro hero could react, Marco threw right hook towards her unprotected side.

Moon caught his arm with her own and deflected the punch while reaching for his wrist once again. Marco pivoted on his heel before she could close her grasp, pulling backwards while driving his palm into Moon's shoulder blade.

Moon flinched, stumbling back from the force of the attack. Unlike the previous attackers, Marco had some knowledge of martial arts and would not easily be dispatched . However, an ocean of experience separated the two and the advantage Marco had gotten was quickly dwindling.

Moon dug her feet into the ground as Marco chased after her, attempting to keep her further off balance with a series of karate chops but without the element of surprise, Moon was unmovable. Despite his best efforts, Moon casually absorbed or blocked his attacks, refusing to budge a single inch under the onslaught.

Marco pulled back his arm, hoping a solid punch would break through his teacher's defense but Moon was already one step ahead of him: as he moved his arm backwards, Moon planted her feet firmly on the floor and braced her knees.

Marco's eyes widened as she tightly held onto his wrist, twisting her body as she began to drag him forward into a throw. Marco quickly brought his palm against her back and shoved as hard as he could.

Marco's hand slipped free while Moon fell forward, one leg awkwardly bent mid-air while the other tried to keep balance. Marco let out a sigh of relief and blinked.

When he opened his eyes a moment later, the color drain from his face as Moon twisted in his direction, her knee inches away from catching his stomach.

Marco didn't have a plan. Marco couldn't think of anything that could help in this moment and even if he could, he didn't possess the speed or skill to react in time. He felt the cold shiver of failure dripping down his back. Just one more moment. One more second and they would've won....they would've....

Star's downtrodden face flashed into his mind, the sorrow that danced in her eyes tug at his heartstrings painfully.

Marco screamed at himself. He wouldn't let it end this way. He wouldn't let everyone down just because he couldn't use his quirk properly. He wasn't about to lose everything just because he couldn't do one simple job.

He wasn't going to lose.

Marco felt power flow throughout his legs, the low hum of electricity charging filled his ears as his muscles tightened, renew vigor surging through him like a second wind. It was an odd feeling, one he couldn't remember ever noticing before but it had a comforting familiarity to it, one that cleared Marco's mind.

Marco tensed his body, letting the power run through his body freely. He felt invincible, he felt powerful, he felt like he possessed the energy and strength of not one person but several, overlapping together as one.

He felt like how he always imagined All Might would feel.

Marco only meant to push away, clear some distance between himself and his opponent as he leap backwards to avoid the knee.

He didn't have to worry about distant: It was weird how much the sound of crumbling earth sounded so similar to the crunching of cookies once crushed by human hands.

Marco shot backwards like a rocket, his legs flailing useless and broken as a 5 foot crater and violent winds formed from where he once stood.

Moon was nearly knocked off her feet as the fierce wind blinded and deafened her for a moment but a moment was all Star needed.

Star flew past the wall of Al's and sailed straight for her mother, her gaze focused only on one thing.

The ringing in Moon's ears was unbearable and she stumbled uneasily trying regain her balance. Her eyes were dry and her body shook from the sheer power Marco unleashed in that moment.

Moon saw Star coming, her daughter’s outstretched hand made it very clear what she was after.

Moon slowly began to raise her arm but paused for a moment.

She gave a little chuckle, suppressing the smile on her face as Star whizzed by, flag clutched tightly in her hand.

“As your classmate as figured out” Moon tiredly told the students save Marco and Star “You were supposed to work together and technically you all helped in getting the flag so you get to stay at UA.”

She scanned over each and everyone of them carefully

“You are future heroes. You will be measured to the standard of those who came before you and you will be the standard for which those who come after you will be compared to. You carry the legacy of us all. Welcome to UA high.”

Moon shook her head as the remaining 6 moaned and grumbled about how unfair it all was. They were all tired and they still had the rest of the school day to get through.

Moon watched silently as the class departed.

Marco broke both his legs again due to his quirk and despite Moon's suggestion that he was perfectly fine in the care of Recovery girl, Star refused to leave his side

“Our daughter” Moon spoke softly to the approaching figure “Takes too much after you. Reckless and crazy.”

River nodded as he stood next to his wife “Perhaps but she has your loyalty.”

“I don't know if that's a good thing....”

“I'd like to think so” River tugged at his beard anxiously “Moon pie....did I...?”

“Yes” Moon leaned over and gently kissed her husband's cheek “He'll make a fine hero. If his quirk doesn't kill him first.”

“He's tough and smarter than I when I first received One for All. He'll get the hang of it.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about it.”

River stared off into the distance.

“I sure hope so.”

Things were so much simpler back then......I still wonder if I would've had the courage to kept going if I had knew what lay ahead.....

[worthyofluv]

Redefining What it Means to be a Strong Woman

I used to cringe when someone would tell me that I was a strong black woman. It literally made me sick to feel like the world mostly only saw me as strong, when deep down I knew I was more than that. And to be honest, I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak, and what I needed most was to be seen, heard, understood and felt as opposed to being told to persevere through any and everything. I had been strong long enough and I was tired. Tired of pushing myself beyond my limits, tired of walking out into the world with a mask, tired of abusive relationships, just fucking tired. I was so over life that I contemplated death many times. “Who would care?” “Do I even matter?” are the questions that would cross my mind. Being strong was killing me, literally. 

What I Observed From Working With White Women

In most of my roles, I was usually “the only one” or one out of a few WOC. While working at one particular job (that shall remain unnamed) I noticed that the women carried themselves with a certain kind of ease that I personally had to give myself permission to access. These white women danced so effortlessly in their femininity as if they had their own personal choreographer. It was thought provoking.

Being raised by resilient black queens, naturally, I embody strength, but I had never been taught to embody softness. Too many of us were raised in broken households and had front row seats to the single mother struggle, so we go out into the world with all this fire, but no awareness on how to put it out sometimes. We develop a rigorous work ethic, get into relationships where we want to be the boss and try to be everything for everyone and wonder why we’re so burned out. I am grateful for the resilience that has been passed down in my DNA, but what I learned on my journey is that being strong all the time isn’t my true nature, it’s actually counterintuitive to my true nature. So, it makes perfect sense that life was overwhelming for me, because I wasn’t in alignment with my inner being.

At first glance, it appeared that these women were privileged to be able to live a life true to their womanhood, knowing that they’d always be safe and protected. But then, I realized that I too had access to this way of being and that it is my birthright to be everything that I am meant to be. I learned that I can reclaim my power back by reframing my beliefs around a situation, or finding the better feeling thought; the thought that is most in alignment with my true self.

Intimate Relationships

I saw a post on Instagram that said something along the lines of “Being a martyr is not synonymous with being loyal. Abuse, disrespect and neglect are not prerequisites for a relationship and that as women, we need to dead the idea that we have to go through hell and back to be worthy of love.”

And that’s all I gotta say about that.

What Does it Mean to be a Strong Woman?

In my personal journey, I had to get to know every part of myself, every part of what makes me who I am (and I’m still learning.) I believe that we are multidimensional beings with multiple egos; multiple identities. But during our conditioning, we somehow adapt to what we are told we should become, and we lose sight of our inner child. That part of us that knows no limits, that wants to be an artist, a dancer, a police officer and a chef all in the same day. We forget how to play; we get serious and we conform to a life that many don’t even realize they have conformed to until they have a midlife crisis. Without a strong foundation of self, we become a reflection of what society tells us to be. In a world that is constantly trying to tell you how to live your life, true strength is taking the time to get to know yourself and existing as your fullest expression of self. Furthermore, strength isn’t always about doing or executing. Sometimes there is strength in taking a step back, pausing, or just chilling the fuck out.

Some examples of strength might include:

Your manager telling you “you’re just not the right fit,” and your ability to walk out of her office without reacting and simultaneously telling yourself “she’s wrong, I AM qualified and capable, but it wasn’t my blessing.”

Allowing yourself to rest when tired

Allowing yourself to do the bare minimum when you just can’t that day

Taking a day off to do nothing

Surrendering

Giving yourself permission to play

Asking for what you want/need

Shutting down the Christian mother of the guy who you hooked up with when she tried to slut shame you. I can be both a Queen and sexually liberated. It’s my body and I have autonomy over how I use it.

Walking away from an unhealthy relationship even though you love that person

Crying

Seeking therapy

Giving yourself permission to feel the feels

Feeling hurt, but operating from a place of integrity

Not knowing the answer and being ok with not knowing the answer

Forgiving others

Forgiving your self

Apologizing

Speaking your truth

Listening

Protecting your energy

Saying “damn, I fucked up. What could I have done differently in that situation”?

Immediately blocking a guy who asks you for your IG, and his first comment is “wow, you lost allot of weight” ….by your standards, I may not be fat anymore, but lemme tell you what is phat. Lol. Your loss asshole.

Saying “actually, I like my body the way it is”

Saying “I disagree”

Saying “you were right”

Saying “I need help”

Saying “I need you”

Prioritizing your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing above all, even if that means losing people, places and things in the process of becoming your greatest version

I am learning not to fear my emotions but instead, be with them, observe and allow them to pass like the clouds in the sky. Knowing that they will always pass and that good feelings are always available to me, I am able to ride the waves with grace.

-Divine

My Interpretation of What a Strong Woman is

To me, strength is like the glue that holds all the other myriad of qualities that make up my being together. Yes, I am strong at the core, but I can also be vulnerable, soft, emotional, empathic, nurturing, silly, intuitive, insecure, eloquent, afraid, passionate, sad, angry, anxious, a bitch, depressed, sensual, sexual, introverted, intelligent, and kind. Now i understand that when people would tell me I was strong, they were acknowledging something in me that I wasn’t completely aware of. It wasn’t a bad thing at all, but I knew there was more to me than what met the eye.  It was on me, however, to explore the layers of who I am. And it will continue to be on me to walk my path as my most authentic self. Being strong to me means standing in the truth of your whole entire self, not just one aspect of yourself. It’s giving yourself the gift of self-exploration so that you can become self-aware. It is knowing who the fuck you are but still allowing room for growth. I am not the same person I was a year ago and I will certainly be a different person five years from now. If the seasons of nature are constantly in flux, why wouldn’t that also be the case for our evolution? We were not created to be just one thing, we were created to be everything our heart desires and more.

So, the next time someone tells me how strong I am, I will smile and thank them. There’s no need to internalize what someone else thinks of me, because the perception that I have of myself is greater than the perception that anyone has of me. Yes, I am strong, but I am so much more than that.

-Divine

[lady-olive-oil]

Sweet Sexy Savage: Chapter 1

Author Note: Whoop here it is! I’m on a roll now. This chapter is very long and I am sorry [not really] There’s a lot of details in here so enjoy!

Tag list: @designrwriterchic @hoodgirl163 [just in case cause I like the direction I’m going with this and I need my girls by me!]

Prologue 

“Alright you guys. I’m going to need every superstar to come down here, dressed in their WrestleMania gear, makeup on, hair done and smiles lit. It’s time to promote the biggest event of the year.” WrestleMania is like the Super Bowl in the WWE. Jam packed, hyped and full of super fans from what I’ve seen watching at home in the past years. My name is Malaysia Ryker  and my job consists of is multiple hats. By multiple hats I mean; I am one of the photographers, and on the WWE Glam Squad, and a mother on top of it all, twins no less. Needless to say it’s a heavy load, but I don’t regret any of it. 

“I need both women’s divisions in their mania gear. I’ll have James hold the shoot for a bit so I can work on the girls.” I instructed my assistant for the day, Jennie, as I went around to the side to get each girl ready and checked on. 

There’s never a dull moment behind the scenes. Would you believe me if I said this was my first lead in a big PPV? And it happens to be for the biggest stage of them all in the wrestling world. Obviously I had to go through the motions of what to expect on the job, and learning who everyone was for my first few months, but my hard work paid off quicker than I expected.

Production is what I majored in at school, along with a minor in cosmetology, When I had the twins, I had to give up my hobby of photography. So this job was a no brainier. Which is why, I was glad I got the opportunity.

Touching up on Naomi and Sasha’s make up, they decided to mess with me like always. They were the first friends I made on the job so they are my girls, what else should I expect? 

“So Maya, any luck in the love department? We heard you and some guy from creative, named Jason, went out last week. How’d that go?” Sasha asked while checking herself out in the reflection, after I did her hair. 

“He was a nice guy but, he was too much into his looks and asked me what size bra I wore. So no.” I let out a sour chuckle and looked at Naomi’s expression, priceless as always. 

“So you mean to tell me, that fine specimen of a man was not your cup of tea? Mr. Tall dark and handsome?” Here we go with Naomi and her theatrics. Somehow she always managed to make me laugh no matter the situation. 

“Listen to yourself, almighty Glow Queen. You are married, don’t let Jon hear you or you’ll get me in trouble.” Finishing up her makeup, with a sweet chuckle escaping my full red lips, letting her go on and head to the set. 

Going back to what I said earlier, yes I am a mother. I have the most wonderful set of twins: Austin and Dakota. I had them after I graduated from Georgia Tech. I had all my friends and family there for support. Especially Joe, he was there too. At least in the beginning. Even if it meant my career was put on hold, I started a new challenge that I was willing to accept. A few months back, Stephanie McMahon herself asked me if I would come work for the company and be a part of the team. 

No way could I say no. Someone in the company knew of my work and just thought it would be a good idea. We all know who threw the wood into the fire, for me to get this job. Since the twins are of age, I decided to homeschool them and take them on the road with me. They are fast learners so why not? As for their father? He doesn’t want anything to do with them. He left once I told him I was expecting right after graduation. Jonathan and I have had our ups and downs in the past, but the bad outweighed the good, in every sense. College sweethearts, turned bitter enemies. Hell, Joe was the one who introduced us in the first place after I introduced him to galina. 

Jonathan and I followed each other around almost all of college and then it all just fell apart. I wanted a marriage and kids, he wanted to sleep around. When I found out he was cheating, it was at the last homecoming game of our college careers.

I saw him with a blonde on the football field and everything went black after that. I was in a blind rage when I poured the Gatorade cooler on them both. Needless to say, it was the best senior experience I’ve ever had. Nevertheless, I tried to make it work until I wound up pregnant. Jonathan has been a ghost since the day I told him. I’ve been trying since then to get him to be in their lives but he refuses. The twins are now nine and they understand this is our life now, my job and my past. Nothing gets by them. 

 “Auntie Trinity, mom doesn’t have time to date when she’s busy with us. I mean we are her pride and joys, look at us.” Dakota, my spunky little girl, put on the most innocent looking smile ever with her brother Austin. 

 “Yeah, no guy or girl, is good enough for our mother. She has standards.” Austin always had a smart mouth on him. The sentence alone made me gasp, and rethink my dating life. 

Was I really that bad with my dating prospects? Going back to my work so I can move on to the guys next, Sasha and Naomi both started laughing at the twins statements. Why is my dating life such a funny topic for these people?

"Alright, alright. You girls are done for the day. I’ll catch up with you all for dinner later, while the twins are with my mom.“ Mama Natalie, my dear sweet mother, was happy to retire after my dad passed. She did her time in the work force and needed to spend time with her grandkids anyway. 

The girls went their separate ways with the others and I got ready for the boys. I really wanted to do Finn’s demon paint today, but he was out still in recovery. Judging by his Instagram pictures with the wife Brenna, he was doing just fine. 

One by one, I helped the glam squad with every male and female wrestler that was participating in Wrestlemania 33, and getting them all squared away for each match in the group pictures to be set accordingly. Like always, I get distracted by my own thoughts and begin to stare into space thinking about him again. Fifth time this week, even though last week was worse. More about that in a second. The sound of my children cheering caught me off guard, drawing my attention to where they were. 

“Uncle Joe and Jojo here!” The twins always had this weird sequence thing going on, that creeped everyone out but me. At the mention of his name the old feeling of butterflies came back, like a hurricane in the south. Ever since I started my job some months back, I’ve been seeing him everywhere. 

Which is to be expected as apart of my job title as the new lead photographer. When I was just starting it was easier to avoid him more as busy as we both are. It would be a damn lie if I said I didn’t want his strong arms around me. Maya, focus! Hes coming this way! But it’s so damn hard to, I mean look at him. Broad shoulders, long jet black hair, the sleeve tattoo that graced his right arm and his body is a tower that I wanted to climb so bad. I heard a snap in face causing me to grab the hand that caused it. 

“Whoa there speedy. Don’t get to cocky now.” His voice could melt butter, on a stack of buttermilk pancakes. How was he this close to me and I didn’t even know? Looking up into his natural brown eyes, it was like I was back in high school all over again. Dropping his hand and grabbing the camera, I got into position to finish off the last of the pictures for the day. 

“Joe you of all people, should know better than to sneak up on me.” The light chuckle escaped my lips and I took shots of him, while checking him out at the same time. I wonder if he noticed. He noticed me looking at him differently, providing that very sexy smirk of his. Yep, I’m keeping the thought that popped in my head for myself. 

“What’s a joke between old friends, manamea? Come on now, don’t be like that.” Manamea, meaning sweetheart in his native language. 

That nickname stuck with me through every grade, every heartache, every triumph and amazing moment I had with him in it. He was there through almost everything, even the birth of my twins. Hence why they call him uncle Roman, and how they get along with Joelle so much. I hate that my stubbornness and his even stronger stubbornness caused us to drift.

Shaking my head with disbelief, I continued to take pictures for the promos.They weren’t due for another few weeks or so anyway but, perfection is key. I take my work very seriously around here. 

"What do you want Joseph? There’s gotta be something you need, that’s so important.“ Finishing off his pictures, taking my Nikon off the tripod, I looked at him with an amused look on my face. His smile grew with anxiousness as I gave him time to explain. "What’s it gonna be?" 

"Well, how about two old friends catch up. You know, for old times’ sake?” He gave an interesting proposition, that I couldn’t refuse but also didn’t want to seem too eager about it either. The look on my face was acknowledgeable, nodding in agreement and setting my stuff back in the cases to close down for the day. Was I really gonna just give in so easily and fawn over the guy I’ve liked since high school, giving him the satisfaction of a guaranteed yes? We’ll see. 

“Tell you what.” I leaned against the vanity mirror, keeping a close eye out on the kids who were playing on Dakota’s iPad. “Since I know nothing about creative’s plan with you and the Undertaker, if you win this match I’ll go on this friend catch up thing with you. Deal?” I held out my hand for him to shake, but instead I got a kiss on the back of it as he held it.

“Deal. And trust me manamea, I won’t lose this one.” With his final words he sent a wink in my direction before heading out with Joelle in tow. I felt weak in the knees, like a school girl on prom night. Gathering my own kids and equipment, up to head back to our hotel room.

I got a mass group text from all the girls in the women’s division on both rosters asking: what did Joe ask me? Did he just kiss your hand!? What is going on!? These girls have eyes like hawks everywhere. Quickly replying to everyone, I noticed Dakota and Austin both looking at me sideways. 

“Oh come on, not you too.” They were just as nosey as their honorary aunts and uncles. “Mama, we love Uncle Roman. Please go out with him.” “yeah! please!” What made them think this was a date? It’s just two innocent friends going out to eat and possible drinks, that’s it….maybe 

“You two, stay out of my business. Get to bed now. We all have a big day tomorrow, get.” Pointing to the direction of their on-suite room, next to mine, I crashed in my own bed. Lord this was going to be a long few weeks, and even longer months….years. From what Patricia has told me, Joe and Galina are separated. I didn’t expect that at all whatsoever. I don’t think anyone did.

Me and Joe, hanging out together like old times? It never occurred to me that it would be possible after everything that’s happened. Drifting to sleep, after my quick shower, I thought of what the “date” could be like. I guess you could say, I like strawberry daiquiris with a prime rib steak. Because, in those following weeks he won his match.

[slugmanslime]

Normal

Pairing: N/A; Slight GoChi, Slight Chiccolo Warnings: dragon mention, cursing, insults Word Count: 1,867 Fic Type: Two-part drabble

so i got the idea to do some country!chichi and i was playing around with the dialect and this happened

well that and first person pov so this could either be neat or pretty terrible

this is going up on my ff.net account as well! author name: slugmanslime

“You can NOT be serious!”

“Have you ever known me not to be?”

My arms are crossed tightly over my chest, and have been for so long I’m starting to sweat just a little. Part of me knew that this day was going to come, even though I’d liked to live in the little dream that maybe it wouldn’t and Gohan would make friends with other children his age, and we could set up playdates and… Goku used to tell me I worried about him too much. He was always met with a swift swat to the ear and a semi-playful remark about him not worrying enough. What I wouldn’t give to have that over this right now!

“ChiChi, look…” He has no right to go dragging his hand down his face like that! Like I was wearing him out or something—we’ve only been talking (read: arguing) about this for a measly two hours. This was nothing in my book, I am the queen of stubbornness and the reigning champion of the household decisions!

“Piccolo, I ain’t gonna budge on this one! I know you know him well, you trained Gohan yourself—without my consent I might add—and while I appreciate you comin’ to me about this first, my answer is still absolutely not.” My jaw is set firmly but to seal the deal I hit him with one of my “Mama Said No” looks; yeah, that’ll show him.

It gives me a real pain in the neck to look him in the eyes when he stands all straight and immovable like that, and I know he knows that, too. He was doing it on purpose! Prick… “Trust me, Dragon Breath, I heard you the first four hundred times you no, but if you could pipe down for approximately 30 seconds and let me explain myself, it would benefit both of us.”

“Your son has a heart of gold and the brat is in love with that damned beast.” It’s not fair for him to look at me like that. I just know he’s been practicing the art of mother persuasion with Gohan, no way Demon Brains here would be capable of that on his own! “I’ve done my research. Even if I hated every minute of it—which I did—I talked to a few humans about this; pets are apparently a staple of childhood in multiple human cultures.”

I was starting to feel the faint throbbing of a budding headache, but I relented only enough to pinch the bridge of my nose. Piccolo was not allowed to make good points like this, he just wasn’t! It was always so off-putting to argue with him; Goku certainly never put up as much of a fight, but that’s because he knew I was right! Well, that, and he usually left most of the important decisions up to me.

Here I am, starting to get the distinct feeling that… I may not be… entirely right this time.

“Well, maybe you gotta point, but a DRAGON is nowhere near the kinda pet I want my son havin’! Why cain’t he have a puppy instead? Y’know, something normal and easily house-trainable?”

It takes me a long moment to look up at him, but I don’t have to strain as hard this time. He was slumped, back resting against the doorway to the kitchen. So what if I didn’t hide my smirk—he tried to look so nonchalant hunched over like that, but I knew it was because he was so damned tall. I wondered if he knew that his antennae twitched when he thought too hard. Maybe one day I would have the heart to tell him.

When he sighed though, that’s when I knew that that day would not be today. It was one of those “I’m Piccolo the surly ex-Demon and I shouldn’t be forced to try and compromise with dumb earth women” sighs. It belongs at the top of the list of things that grated my nerves. “If he wanted a puppy, don’t you think he would have brought one home by now? And anyway, if trainability is what you’re worried about, don’t. That dragon was circus-bred, trained from birth. So, there. No more qualms, yes?”

“Woah, hey, I never said that was my only pr—“

“Gohan knows how to hunt, and you taught him how to make a schedule. Icarus will never go hungry.”

“… Icarus? You mean you know that beast’s name?”

My smirk minutely wider at the peculiar shade of violet that was tinging my Namekian houseguest’s ears. Now wasn’t that just so darn adorable? Sometimes I forget just how easy it is to get him all flustered.

“Gohan only mentioned it to me 37 times in one day. How could I forget?” I watch him carefully as he meticulously studied a very specific spot on the ceiling, and then my hardwood floors, followed by gazing at something very interesting out the window.

“Of course, how silly of me to ask!... But I know you secretly enjoy seein’ him happy. I can see it plain as day no matter how gruff your little mask is.” My smirk is definitely a full-blown smile now, turns out that Green Bean was a full body blusher. I could see the heat creeping down what little expanse of throat he showed.

“Well, from the way you’re talking, it’s almost as if you don’t.” Perhaps Piccolo was too flustered to understand the magnitude of that sentence, but it doesn’t matter. It was my turn to blush now, but it sure as hell wasn’t from embarrassment. I’m completely livid now, and I know it’s apparent, from the way my jaw is clenching to the flames that practically erupt from my eyes.

“Now just who in the hell do you think you are? I love my son, and I have always done what was best for him, no matter what!” I can tell he wants to interject so I throw up a hand to stop him, Mama’s on a roll now. “You wanna insult me like that? Fine, see if I care. But this is your responsibility now. If that dragon even thinks about grazin’ my garden,” I tick up one finger on the shushing hand that had morphed into a vengeful fist, “or ruinin’ my clothes line,” followed by a second finger, “or reckons its fine to destroy my firewood reserves,” and a third finger to boot, “or, I dunno, MAIMS my SON—” My fingers curl into a fist at this moment, quivering with affront and anger, before a single finger points at him ever so daintily. “Then it’s your hide I’m after. And don’t think for a second that I’m gonna to take it easy on you, either!”

That—that—how rude can a person get? And to say that to my face in my own home? I give him my back as I try to find some composure; the embarrassment part is starting to shine through, and I can’t help but start second-guessing myself. Who is he to talk about what’s important for a childhood? Gohan’s already lost so much of it, no thanks to Piccolo himself. But then… here he is trying to make amends. Am I hurting my baby boy by stopping him…? Gohan has handled worse but, wild animals like that are dangerous!

Mild throat clearing behind me derails my train of thought, and I have to take a few heavy breaths before I can turn to face him. Huh. Sheepish is a new expression to grace his features, usually its standoffish or peeved. It doesn’t matter, I am a woman of standards and respect and I deserve to be shown some!

“ChiChi I… that was out of line.” I thought seeing him meek like this would make me feel better, but it just makes me sad. His Adam’s apple bobs under his scarf, I can tell by the way it shifts; he must be nervous. He should be.

“Piccolo, I really don’t wanna hear it. I’ve said my piece and you’ve said yours. By all means, go relay the news to my son. Let him know I need him home by sundown, we have some ground rules to cover.”

He gives me a wide birth when I sweep past him into the kitchen, stubbornly pushing down the ache of sadness and lingering sting of insult. The tell-tale swish of his cape dragging on the floor tells him that he is thinking about leaving, and part of me wishes he would. But of course, the other part wishes he would stay, and give me some damned reassurance that I wasn’t failing as a mother like he seemingly thought.

Sometimes you just don’t get what you want.

You would think that with a house as quaint and tidy as ours, filled with books, memories, and good food, it wouldn’t feel so empty. The windows are still open, letting early fall air purge any ill feelings that might remain. It doesn’t quite reach me, although I can feel its whispers tugging at the edge of my gown. Dredges of loneliness settle at the bottom of my heart, and images of Goku flicker through my mind. Laughing, smiling, wolfing down the huge meals I would make him. I’m thankful that his son doesn’t eat nearly as much, although some nagging feeling told me this was just the beginning; my arms ache at the thought even though the pot I’m stirring would have been an appetizer for my husband.

The stew is simmering in no time, so I figure why not take a moment of rest for the day. I deserve it after wading through that malarkey all afternoon. Jolly Green Jackass is such an enigma to me. First, he steals my kid; I trace his dumb pointy ears on the solid oak of the kitchen table. Trains him, protects him, manages to make sure he gets home to us safe; my hand flops over my minds image of his snaggle toothed face imprinted on the tabletop. He lingers around my house while Goku is away training, he’s even… my face ends up meeting the table where my doodle had been, and my breath fogs the polished wood when I sigh in defeat. Piccolo cares about Gohan, that much is for sure. I know I should trust him, and I do, of course I do! But it’s just not what I had envisioned for Gohan…

That shouldn’t matter; Piccolo is his closest friend, the man—alien? —he looks up to. He’ll keep my little boy safe. With a newfound determination, I sit ramrod straight; but that doesn’t mean he’ll be traipsing through my house anytime soon without a heartfelt apology! Papa didn’t raise himself no doormat, I am a woman to be contended with.

It feels nice to settle back in the chair, and let the crisp breeze finally take me. My arms instinctively curl around myself once more; now it’s time to wait. The sun is setting, and I gotta think of a way to explain to a cranky 6-year-old that there will be no dragons sleeping at the foot of anyone’s bed tonight.

[therecoveringcatho-holic]

mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels

[significanceofsongs]

Some Kind of Zombie - Or - Is it ok to be a human?

Part 2 of my series “The Pitfalls of Evangelical Christianity - Set to Catchy Tunes!”

In Part 1, I looked at “Breathe” by the Newsboys and did some long-form analysis of how a certain theological perspective encourages Christians to be really hard on themselves. This time, I’ll be talking about “Some Kind of Zombie”, by Audio Adrenaline. Look around: Do you have a lot to do and are just taking a break for some light reading? Maybe shelve this essay for a time when you are otherwise unencumbered. Otherwise, it will be a serious, serious TLDR.

Some Kind of Zombie came out in 1997 - right after I started listening to Christian rock in 1995-1996. I remember listening to it and realizing that it was possible that I had started listening during the heyday of Christian Alternative music and that Some Kind of Zombie marked the beginning of the decline. I don’t know if that’s true, but it felt like it at the time.

Let’s talk about the music first. Some Kind of Zombie combines 1970′s disco (replete with falsetto vocals and strings) with medium-heavy alternative rock and some wacky out-of-the-box production touches. I want to say that there’s nothing that quite sounds like it. I think 90′s Christian Alternative music benefited from lower expectations in many cases. Christian record labels had a sense that the kids would just eat up whatever hard rock albums they could dream up, so they let their artists go nuts and just do it. Unfortunately, it didn’t always work out, and Some Kind of Zombie is an example of a song that didn’t quite get there. It’s just a little bit too sprawling and “production-y”. I, having made music that was too production-y myself, understand that sometimes that this is how it goes so I can’t judge the music too hard. They went all the way with it and I have to pay some respect where it’s due. But that said, if you’re going to dismiss Audio Adrenaline based on this song, you should at least check out Bloom instead. It’s a superior album and it has superior songs done in a superior style.

On to the words;

[Verse 1]

I must have been confused or vain

To let this evil in my brain

Lord did I enjoy the change

That You made inside my heart?

[Bridge]

Oh here they come

I’m not afraid

There’s no temptation I can’t evade

[Hook]

Stand up straight

I look through the haze

I begin to walk

Through the maze

Here they come

They’re all up on me

But I’m dead to sin

Like some kind of zombie

I hear You speak and I obey (Some kind of zombie)

I walk away from the grave (Some kind of zombie)

I will never be afraid (Some kind of zombie)

I gave my life away

[Verse 2]

I’m obliged and obey

I’m enslaved to what you say Disclaimer:

How can I write all of this without it being a strawman? There are as many Christianities as there Christians because everyone is different. It’s foolish to write criticisms of an entire faith. Any given reader is no doubt already formulating a response of “NOT I!”. I don’t want people to see this as a roast of Christianity. I want people to understand me and I want people to understand why the words we speak and our interpretations of things MATTER. It’s about me and my interpretations of things that I heard when I was a kid. If it can help anyone else to avoid the same pitfalls, great! It’s easier and more painless to find truth within your own faith than to be turned off, run away from it, find it elsewhere and then reassess how your faith is - in fact - pointing some people to that same truth. Therefore, you may detect anger and skepticism, but I hope that ultimately you see the forgiveness and understanding that writing this article brought about in me.

Part 1 The 30,000 foot view - what it’s about.

If you read my first post, you’ll remember that Breathe, by Newsboys is probably at least partially a meditation on Romans 7-8. So is Some Kind of Zombie. To review, here’s Romans 7:

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a]For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it… 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

And then on to 8…

8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.

So we gotta deal with these two chapters again. Great.

Part 2, the Biblical and Theological Background:

Evangelical Christianity has several different branches, and based on these two songs I suspect that Audio Adrenaline and Newsboys both subscribe to the Holiness Movement branch. The Holiness Movement is a wing of American Christianity that focuses heavily on Romans 7-8.

In Christianity - perhaps by design - it’s pretty much impossible to know exactly how good of a person you need to be in order to go to Heaven. The Bible offers no consistent answers.

On one hand James says that we have to have faith to be saved, but if we’re not also doing some unspecified amount of good things, our faith is dead. The writer of Ephesians says that we’re “saved by Grace, through faith, and not of works, so that no man should boast”. In Matthew 25:31-46, Jesus says that compassion is the means of salvation. “Whatever you did for the least of these, you did also unto me”. John 3 has him saying that simply “believing in him and being ‘born again’” will do.

It is no wonder that entire Protestant denominations have sprung up around these verses. United Methodists seem to like James and Matthew’s take on Jesus, whereas the Lutherans seem to like Ephesians. Everyone seems to like John’s take, but it’s a bit unclear on what “born again” means, so it appears that the various denominations interpret it in light of whatever other verses they like.

Then there’s the issue of Romans v. Ephesians. The astute Christian reader has probably been gasping and muttering under her breath at this point that Paul wrote Ephesians, so there can’t be a contradiction between Romans and Ephesians. However, the general scholarly consensus is that Paul didn’t write Ephesians. It was likely a forgery in Paul’s name. And it makes sense because Ephesians says one thing and Romans says something totally different. I can imagine that the writer of Ephesians was writing to a group of Christians that were trying to outdo each other in terms of righteousness - calling each other’s salvation into question if the congregation members didn’t “exude enough spirituality” et al. I can imagine people reading Romans and being worried that perhaps their salvation was at risk because they didn’t “have enough of the Spirit of Christ within them” - aka they failed and sinned. The writer of Ephesians wants to put a stop to this absurdity and writes an authoritative book in the name of Paul - perhaps presented as a long lost volume. And in this book, the author tells everyone to chill out. “You’re all saved. Everyone is good enough. Jesus loves you all and everything is going to be ok.” I’m pretty sure that this is what is going on because Ephesians starts out with a close echo of Romans 7-8, but the emphasis is different. He takes away any sense of dread about the precariousness of his faith and any nervousness about the reality of his salvation, and instead focuses on God’s action in the whole business. The author says that we’re saved by the Grace of God, not by our own actions. God’s action is the most important factor in the equation.

In Romans, it’s distinctly different. In Romans, we abide in Christ and therefore the Spirit of Christ dwells in us and controls us so that we’re able to live up to a very high moral standard. Remember what it says: “The Spirit gives life because of righteousness” This is salvation as understood by some in the Holiness movement: We are given the strength, willpower and love of Christ so that we’re able to be extra super ultra good people - “little Christs, or Christians”.

Lutherans, who favor Ephesians, say that we’re saved by grace through believing and we have freedom as Christians to not worry about the law or being perfect. They might say “One ought to be a good person, but this isn’t as important as believing and being a part of the family of Christ. Those things will naturally make you a better person anyway.”

Romans and Ephesians present such different views of salvation that it’s no wonder different denominations have sprung up. It’s also no wonder that people argue endlessly about this topic and there are no clear winners. But I digress back to Romans. Why does Paul say that we should defeat our own sinful bodies by becoming vessels for the Spirit of Christ?

Jesus in Matthew 5:20 told his listeners that their righteousness must exceed the Pharisees and scribes in order to be saved. Elsewhere, he makes it pretty clear that the Pharisees aren’t actually righteous and that they’re just a bunch of wankers who arbitrarily have decided that they are the only ones who follow the law perfectly. While they appear to follow the letter of the law, they’re actually a bunch of snobby dicks, so they’re not really doing anything worthwhile. Their words are just a bunch of hollow platitudes and they are constantly grandstanding about their superiority. “Of course,” Jesus says, “you have to be more righteous than that. Giving a sandwich to a homeless person is better in the eyes of God than all of the meaningless rules you could follow to look more righteous than other people.” It’s really not saying much to say that you should be more righteous than the people who he calls hypocrites and a den of vipers.

But Paul himself was a Pharisee. One could extrapolate that he heard the saying of Jesus - that one must be more righteous than the Pharisees to enter the Kingdom of Heaven - and took it pretty personally. “How can I be more righteous than I already am? I’m trying so hard!” His answer was pretty revolutionary; If we are in Christ, then his spirit is living in us and we’re able to be perfect. He thinks that the only way to please God and be saved is by achieving spiritual unity with Christ - and in essence - becoming Jesus.

The Holiness Movement is all about that kind of thinking. They are not so arrogant as to suppose that they can achieve “Christ-likeness” on their own by following the words of God. That’s very difficult and Jesus says some pretty challenging things about loving your enemies and cutting out your eyeballs.

But Jesus had a twin aim and it was very specific. He wanted to destroy Rome and he wanted his people - the Jewish people - to snap out of it and rise up with him to destroy Rome. But his way of destroying Rome was interesting; he wanted to accomplish this mission through subversive nonviolence and love - being so righteous that you start to inspire change in society. If enough people change personally, they start to smash the fash and Jesus wanted to smash the fash. At least, this is the version of Jesus presented in Matthew and Luke. Even today, casually giving a homeless person a sandwich is a slightly subversive activity. Capitalism insists that your personal value is dependent on your net worth. Following Jesus’ teachings flies in the face of that truism. Giving someone a truly free lunch is casually flipping capitalism the bird. And it seems that it’s always been a bit like that - even during the Roman Empire, which didn’t subscribe to capitalism. At any rate, in Matthew, Jesus told everyone in no uncertain terms that giving a needy fellow human a sandwich is the way to get into heaven, but Paul seems… distracted. Paul’s interpretation of the life and teachings of Jesus became part of the Canon. And an entire movement of Christianity sprung up around it - the Holiness movement.

Part 3: The lyrics, broken down

Oh, you nodded off there. Sorry, I forgot for a second that we were here to talk about music lyrics from 1990’s Christian Rock songs. Ok so here’s what Some Kind of Zombie is saying:

In verse one, the singer approaches God as if (the singer) is a henchman in a Disney movie who has just failed in his mission to stop the good guy. God is the bad guy who responds with “You fool! Betray me one more time and you’ll see the meaning of Zombie!”

“I must have been confused or vain, to let this evil in my brain.” In other words, he’s not being tempted to do something bad because he’s a human being with human desires. He’s being tempted because he either was just too stupid to not be tempted (wut), or because he entertained the idea of doing (x sin) because he figured he was a strong enough Christian to think about it without doing it.

“Lord did I enjoy the change that you made inside my heart?”

Due to this temptation, he questions whether he even is a real Christian. Maybe it’s all been fake and he’s just been fooling himself all along.

Let’s be honest, this song is probably about sex stuff. He’s a Christian Rock star. He’s good looking. He has groupies I bet. Even if he’s not married, I’m guessing he’s constantly dealing with temptation from Christian girls that want to hook up with the godly rock star. He’s probably trying to be chaste and abstinent until he finds the right girl to marry. That’s fine, but his solution is disturbing.

He is trying his best, but daaaang some of those groupies are something else. There’s no way he’s going to be able to keep it in his pants without divine intervention - or so he thinks. He reads in Romans where it says that - if we’re in Christ - then Christ will dwell within us and make us super duper righteous. In essence, we’ll be possessed by the spirit of Christ and Jesus will take over and start running the ship.

The other night, the singer watched Dawn of the Dead and decided that it was a good metaphor for Romans 7-8. The zombies die and then rise again as mindless drones driven towards a singular purpose. In his case he has died to sin - died to himself - and replaced his old personality with the grafted-on personality and agenda of Jesus. Now he’s driven towards a singular purpose, but it’s not brains. It’s resisting temptation from all of those Christian groupies who want to jump his Christian bones.

“I’m obliged and I obey, I’m a slave to what you say”. Just like a zombie is driven by the virus to relentlessly seek brains, our “hero” lurches about through life without making any of his own decisions. No. He is completely under the control of Jesus and therefore he can easily ignore those Christian babes that want to ruin his reputation as a righteous and holy Christian Rock star. When you are talking to him you’re not talking to the guy from Audio Adrenaline, you are talking to literally Jesus, since Jesus is animating his fleshly form like he’s a golum.

There’s another ridiculous Christian worship song called “Every Move I Make”. It goes;

“Every move I make I make in you, you make me move Jesus. Every breath I take, I breathe in you”.

These songs encourage Christians to switch off their bodies, minds, and general humanity. “Your body is evil because it wants you to sin. It needs food and sex and to feel and express emotions that are inconvenient and contradictory to the gospel message. Therefore you gotta put that self to death and rise again with Jesus - becoming Jesus (metaphorically, or perhaps literally speaking) in the process.”

Paul says “who will rescue me from this body of death”. His body is harshing his spiritual mellow with its inconvenient demands, and if he doesn’t become more righteous than he was as a Pharisee, he’s gonna go to hell.

So too with the singer of Audio Adrenaline.

Part 4 “To Thine Own Self, Be True”

Any group of people that encourage me to just shut off my mind and do exactly what “God” says can take a number and I’ll politely explain to them that I’d rather not.

For one, my head is a noisy place. I’m talking to myself in a stream of thoughts all of the time. Some of these thoughts might be original, but I bet that most of them are just me regurgitating things that other people told me in the past. Even if some of my thoughts are from God, how do I know? How am I to know if my thoughts are;

a) God?

b) my own intuition?

c) a suggestion planted in there by a pastors sermon?

d) something my mom told me when I was six?

e) an idea I got from a friend?

f) Paul’s personal opinion that happened to be canonized?

g) the lyrics to a ridiculous Christian Rock song?

You can’t know.

It is possible to achieve spiritual insight and clarity of vision - to see things with an epic wide angle lens and feel connected with the divine. I have had some epic spiritual visions that fit this bill exactly. I’m not sure how “real” they were, but they were very interesting, compelling, beautiful, and powerful. I think what I saw led me closer to the truth. To get there, I did kind of have to shut off my mind and cease to pay attention to my body. But I never felt as though I was possessed or as though I was not me. I felt as though I was being shown something by a higher power - a benign, wise, and knowledgeable power who had no agenda for me - other than to show me the truth. I saw things differently after this. I will actually talk about this experience in another blog post, but for now, let’s just focus on how and who. How? By meditation and deep focus. Who? I’m not sure, but they didn’t tell me to DO anything. In contrast, plenty of people want you to just shut off your mind in a different way: Swear fealty to them, do what they say, and obey their commands. A good way to make people open to suggestion? Feed people suggestions, or barring that even commandments.Then say that they need to be quiet and listen to the “still small voice” in their head. Then people start listening to the “voice of God” in their own private prayer time, and guess what thought pops up? Hint, it’s not some beautiful heavenly vision usually. It’s something weird, like “you need to marry Bill, (who you absolutely do not want to marry)”, or “you need to stop playing music and become a medical missionary even though you have no training as a medical missionary.” Think I’m making this up? Well, I’m not. Both of those were real examples from anonymous holiness movement friends. Plus there’s me: When I was in Fifth Grade, my teacher at my Christian School said that there are things in life that aren’t sin, but that aren’t part of God’s will for our lives, and that God might ask us to give them up. “No reason”, I guess - “just to prove our obedience to him”. So, later, I started playing guitar and I fell in love with it. It totally changed my life. I had something that I was really good at that I chose for myself. When I played guitar, all of the stresses of life seemed to fade away and I felt good. It changed my brain. Before I started playing guitar, I was a conservative hawk who wanted to nuke any country that opposed us, just for looking at us sideways. Something about playing guitar and perhaps having my brain develop and have better integration between the left and right sides made me become more tolerant, intuitive, imaginative, and kind. But, I started to feel like I loved it too much and maybe God wanted me to give it up. I had this relentless, OCD-like thought in my head that I thought was maybe from God. The voice said: “Give up your guitar” - over and over again throughout the day. I now recognize that this was a symptom of anxiety. But it was anxiety brought on by THIS kind of thinking; Ridiculous, authoritarian, depersonalizing thinking. I can’t tell you how long I suffered with this obsessive anxious thought before I finally said “no” and it stopped. But then my other thinking started: I couldn’t even give up my guitar to please God; how was I supposed to do anything legit as a Christian? How was I supposed to give up all of my worldly possessions like the rich young ruler. If I couldn’t even do that, then could I even call myself a Christian? I guess not. If I didn’t have the Spirit of Christ in me controlling my every action like I was some kind of zombie, how could I really say that I was saved? Ephesians was scant help for me, I guess. Faith without works is dead, so I guess we can be saved by faith, BUT faith apparently means dying to yourself and becoming righteous so that you can be saved on account of how righteous you become. Of course it’s through no effort of your own, because Jesus just comes in there and takes over like he’s a power ranger and your’re Megazord; like you’re some kind of Zombie… and God is a…erm…virus?? That’s a way of looking at it, I guess. It’s a bit convoluted, and maybe it doesn’t make any sense though. For one, it all begs the question. Why would God make us all separate beings that have a variety of likes, dislikes, experiences, and lives - if the only way to be really saved is to just get rid of all of that and be possessed by his spirit so that you aren’t even really “yourself” anymore? Is that “good”? What are we even here for, if God - like an overbearing, workaholic manager - throws our report in the trash and writes it himself. “If you want it done right, you gotta do it yourself!” Do what right?

Are we not supposed to experience anything in life? Are we supposed to mentally float around above the existential plain while Jesus drives us around like a Subaru from errand to errand? Or are we supposed to just murder our own desires and personhood so we can create a space for him in ourselves and then become totally unconscious until we wake up in heaven some day - having done literally God knows what? I guess that thought was disturbing enough to me that I snapped out of my Christian conditioning and started thinking more about how ghastly that seems. I didn’t want to stop playing guitar. I didn’t want to be a pastor or a missionary. I didn’t want to not be in my body. My body was screaming at me to pay attention to it and not worry so much about how many brownie points I racked up on a given Thursday. In the midst of this conflict I spent more time worrying about this whole topic than I did doing anything worthwhile - giving sandwiches to bums for example.

Part 5: Sympathy for Paul

I just don’t think you can take what Paul wrote and happily apply it to any sort of existence in a world that isn’t pretty hellish. In other words, if life is kind of a nightmare, it might feel good to just turn off your brain and body and let a higher power take over so that you can accomplish your mission. Unfortunately for Paul, his life was pretty hard and horrible. This was partially by choice, but also partially because life in the fascist Roman Empire was really hard for everyone. If you think about Paul in those terms, his writing makes sense. Allow me to elaborate:

Jesus and Paul were tough as nails. Jesus died the most severe, awful death I can imagine. He was tortured for hours. He didn’t sell out his peeps. He suffered unimaginably but didn’t cave. And as a result the movement he started continued. Paul also suffered in his work. He lists his travails in Corinthians.

Whatever anyone else dares to boast about—I am speaking as a fool—I also dare to boast about.22 Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham’s descendants? So am I.23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers.27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?30 If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.31 The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I am not lying. 32 In Damascus the governor under King Aretas had the city of the Damascenes guarded in order to arrest me.33 But I was lowered in a basket from a window in the wall and slipped through his hands.

They were fighting against the Empire. They were fighting against both Rome and the Jews. They were going toe to toe with the powers that were. They had to be as tough as nails to do it. When Paul talks about his weakness in Romans, he’s not saying that he’s having a hard time with porn addiction. He’s probably saying that - after lashing number 2 - it’s hard to get out of bed and fight the powers. Paul needs to invoke a higher power just to keep going down the road.

Fortunately, we don’t need to live our lives like that to spread the gospel message. For one, to get around, we can just fly a plane or drive a car. For two, in most countries it’s not only legal to be a Christian, it’s encouraged. If the only people that can go to heaven are those that are willing to Kamikaze at North Korea in a gutsy attempt to emulate Paul’s zealous mission work, then I hate to say it, but almost no one is going to heaven and that makes no sense. Christianity won, and now you don’t need to sacrifice your personhood to be able to practice your faith and live a good life.

Part 6: Misconstrued Messages Take you Weird Places.

Since we don’t have to die to ourselves and take up our crosses to follow Jesus anymore, what are we left with? Giving sandwiches to homeless people. Donating to the Red Cross. Building houses in places that are devastated by natural disasters. Being nice to people. Caring for others. Doing good things. Spiritual visions and existential understandings are great, but they can be wrong or misunderstood. Love transcends all of that.

But, if you take Paul too personally, you might find yourself singing about being some kind of zombie and believing that your natural desires are evil. You might find yourself begging for forgiveness for lusting after sexy Christian groupies. And you might spread this idea around - encouraging others to shut off their minds and bodies and lurch about like MegaZord - presumably with Jesus pulling the levers. But mightn’t this have some potentially negative consequences? No. No way this could ever be used for nefarious purposes. Perhaps you’re living in an abusive situation and you feel that if you just let Jesus take the wheel, he’ll help you suffer through it and you’ll be able to stick it out for your kids. Perhaps the Nazi party takes over your government and your pastor extolls Hitler’s virtues. In your prayer, you find that the still small voice says “vote Hitler”. Lots of people like you also vote Hitler and once elected and he immediately dissolves the legislature and then invades Poland.

On the less extreme end of things, perhaps you’re so busy trying to get to the level of spiritual ascendancy where you can not look at porn that you completely ignore the reason that you’re looking at it in the first place. But meanwhile, you’re so busy fighting that battle that you’re not giving sandwiches to bums, or barring even that, having enough wherewithal to be kind to the women around you. If you’re “joke-demanding” that women make you a sandwich, while fighting an addiction to porn…is there…maybe a connection? Idk. And do you really think that the solution for this is is to shut off your mind and become a thoughtless zombie for Jesus? It would be interesting to do a study on how well that works in the long run. I just can’t say I’ve met anyone that was able to operationalize this weird take on the Bible in any sort of medium or long term. Part 7 - Remembering But in the lyrics to Some Kind of Zombie, they’re not just mangling the message on account of failing to understand the historical context or Paul or Jesus. They just (conveniently?) quit reading after the section I highlighted above.

”I’m obliged and I obey. I’m a slave to what you say” - Audio Adrenaline

“14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.”16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

In other words, Jesus was not the only Son of God. Anyone can take on the mantle become - not just “like Christ in a tepid ‘WWJD’ way”, but literally a co-heir with Christ. Think of it this way, if Jesus is the Son of God, then Joe the Plumber who sincerely believes and is part of “Team God” and has accepted the Holy Spirit into his heart…yes Joe the Plumber…though his crack may be visible and exposed for you. HE is like Jesus’s little brother - a co heir to the glory and blessings of God. And that’s the interesting thing about Paul…and the interesting thing about Audio Adrenaline. By cutting off after where Paul makes it seem like we should become mindless zombie slaves of God and really insisting on it, they are pulling things in an interesting direction. Let’s take them literally (as is fun to do, when being annoying). Who are they praying to then? They are slaves to an invisible spirit that controls their actions and apparently has no respect for their personal freedom, desires, and wishes? Is this a God who assembles a giant family of loving humans to smash evil empires through love? Or is this a puppet master god - who obsessively fights to prevent Christian rock stars from getting laid while failing to prevent the Rock stars’ democratically elected government from blowing up some random country’s infrastructure for fun and profit? Curious that the Christian culture that fought to keep their virginity in the 1990s generally supported George W. Bush, who blew up other people’s countries in the 2000s.

I’m just saying. America is the empire. America is Rome. Just because there are Christians in charge a lot of the time does not mean anything. It is super weird that people are demanding God control their actions to fight their own personal desires; when they turn around vote for politicians that represent the worst, sleaziest, and most vindictive sides of those desires and then cause harm to either America or the world or both. It’s even weirder that God apparently has nothing to say about that and doesn’t control their hand as they try to vote for…literally ANYONE??? I guess…but especially George W. Bush. God must have known that GWB was liable to then start two eons long wars and destroy two countries and ruin countless lives. Why would he not do something about that impending disaster? Even sparing controlling divine intervention to move their hand and make them vote Green Party or whatever, did they not read Jonah? Did they literally read the end of Jonah? What do they think God cares more about? Their own personal “having it together” or the lives of literally MILLIONS of PEOPLE? 

Some Christians think both are important. I went to a Nazarene college, where people believed God cared about both your personal ethics and your civic ethics. That’s getting a lot closer to Paul. But again, you don’t have do die for any of that anymore. Personally I think you don’t have to die in a literal sense or a metaphorical sense to be a good person. It’s not that hard. But no one ever, once in all of my time as a Christian, told me that I was the co-son of God with Jesus. No one once loved me like they would love Jesus in any sense of the word love. And I never thought the same about any of my fellow Christians. No one even loved me like I was the “least of these”. Instead, Christianity was a hard thing. It was all about dealing with the alleged evil in my heart and my alleged tendency to be the worst sort. There was no deference or love shown to me as a co-heir with Jesus - just a lot of “what can you do for us?” And of course, I too didn’t see any of my co-heirs as heirs. I viewed them skeptically - as bunch of people that were maybe good or maybe bad - but probably mostly bad. It says so elsewhere in the Bible, I think. Right? But barring what it says in the Bible, the Christians around me didn’t act like co-heirs with Christ. They acted like themselves because that’s generally what you have to do, and a lot of them were a bit sketch - just like I am. Just like you are, dear reader.

I eventually decided that it was best to develop a healthy spirituality that’s based on the idea that God loves all of you and created you for a reason and it’s not because he wants to micromanage your existence like a Power Ranger. Get out there and live!

But maybe I missed something there and threw the baby out with the bathwater. Paul isn’t talking about being a slave after all. Paul is sort of talking about remembering; remembering who we are and sort of “Rebecoming” it. I don’t think God will make us into zombies and that’s a terrifying idea. But we can be something much better. We can remember our fundamental divinity and let it grow within us so that we are able to live life and live it abundantly. Perhaps that’s what Paul is pointing us to - in his own way. Maybe I threw the baby out with the bathwater, but I rediscovered it in a different way on my own - a way that made more sense to me. And here as I write, I’m sort of “rediscovering it” in Christianity.

So that said, all hope is not lost for Christianity. It can still smash the empire. It can still be a force for good in the world. In it’s own way, in fits and starts, and in times and places, it has never totally stopped. I hope those with a sense of humor and a great deal of patience have the ears to hear me right now and can make the change that needs to happen within your faith.

In the meantime, listen to Bloom instead of Some Kind of Zombie.