#like I’m watching Bin and FRICK

[arohawe]

may I take a minute to just say,, how much I love the choreo for every minute

[sunnydaisy1]

The Coffee Stain On Your Shirt

PETER KAVINSKY X READER 

A/N: This is so fluffy i think i need to puke. I should stop procrastinating by watching videos of Kavinsky saying woah woah woah and acc do my work. Anywayy hope you enjoy :)

You were standing by your locker, books and papers messily arranged as you grabbed the stuff you would need for 1st period. Down the hall, Peter Kavinsky was walking along beside his lacrosse team, laughing and joking about the party from the weekend. You and Peter had been partnered up for a English project at the start of the year and this caused you to form an unlikely friendship. You didn't hang out outside of school but you would consider Peter someone you could wave at in the halls or chat to briefly. This made the fattt (cross out) tiny crush you had on him a pain in the fricking ass. You weren't proper friends so in your mind you had no chance with Peter Kavinsky. Peter, on the other hand, thought you were one of the coolest and nicest people he had ever met and looked forward to seeing your face everyday. Of course you were completely oblivious to this fact because from your point of view Peter Grant Kavinsky was way out of your fricking league. Peter noticed you sorting through your locker, admiring the cute red skirt and white top you had picked out for that day. He grinned as he saw your furrowed eyebrows, concentrating on finding your chemistry textbook. Peter had zoned out from his teammates conversation, his focus trained on you. "Urm ill uh see you guys later." He said absent-mindedly, already making his way over to you. The lacrosse team looked at him confused, shaking their heads until they noticed where he was headed and their puzzled looks were replaced with knowing smirks before they walked round the corner. "Hey Y/L/N." You heard a voice say and looked up to see a mop of curly brown hair, recognising it instantly as Peter Kavinsky. "Oh hey Peter." You said back, wondering why he was leaning on the lockers next to yours. "Wanna walk to chemistry together?" Peter asked, his eyes watching your face with a wide smile. "Oh... yeah sure." You replied, confused why he wanted to walk with you when he had other friends in the class. Peter grinned, making your face heat up a little. "I just got to uh find this textbook and then we can go." You said slowly, huffing with frustration as you couldn't seem to locate it anywhere. Peter nodded, leaning on the worn locker next to yours, enjoying watching your annoyed face which he thought was adorable. He glanced into your locker and noticed a green corner poking out from the middle of the papers and books and he leaned in past you, pulling it out carefully. "There you go." Peter said, handing you the green textbook. "Ah, thanks Kavinsky." You frowned, trying to think how you could miss that. "No worries." He returned as you packed the book into your backpack. You looked up at him with a bright smile after closing your locker and Peter felt his stomach flip. "So how was your weekend?" Peter questioned as you started to walk slowly down the hall, brushing past yawning students. "Alright, my sister broke the couch though." You said, making Peter widen his eyes at you. "Wait what? How?" You chuckled and dodged a teacher carrying a pile of books, pressing yourself into Peter's side accidentally. "Uh sorry." You said before returning the slight distance between you. "Basically she was trying to train Milo (your dog) to army crawl and she was running along the couch and then she jumped off the arm and it cracked." Peter laughed beside you, making your heart flutter at his chuckles. You beamed, too distracted to notice the boy in front of you as you turned the corner. "Oof." You groaned as he collided into you and you felt your top start to spread with wetness. You looked down to see the boy had spilt coffee all over your white shirt, leaving a large brown stain. "Oh jeez dude I'm so sorry." The boy in front of you said. You shook your head, "uh its okay I'll go clean it up." The boy gave you a sorrowful look before walking away, leaving you beside Peter with coffee starting to soak your chest. "I'm gonna go clean myself up Peter, I'll see you in chem." You said, walking in the direction of the toilets. "Woah woah woah, no wait I'll help you." He blurted out, following after you in the corridor. You gratefully smiled at him and walked to the girls toilets, "Uh Kavinsky you might wanna wait outside." Peter smirked placing a hand on the door, "Nah I'll come in I've been in here before." You made a disgusted face at him, "Creep." Peter chuckled and followed you through into the thankfully deserted bathroom, "it's not like I spy on girls in here." You raised your eyebrows at him, "righhttt." Peter shoved you playfully and grinned, "piss off y/l/n." You cheekily smiled at him and walked into one of the toilets, grabbing some loo roll before walking back to the row of sinks Peter was standing beside. You turned the tap on and wet the paper slightly before trying to dab off the coffee stain, managing to draw out some of the brown smudge. You continued to furiously dab the splodge but it wouldnt budge, leaving you with a watery brown stain spread across your chest and stomach. "Great." You said sarcastically, pulling your shirt out slightly as you wiped at it. "Here." Peter said, reaching out to you with another wad of wet tissue, placing a hand on your lower back as he gently tried to sponge up the stain on your stomach. "Tryna cop a feel Kavinsky?" You teased, trying to disguise the rapid beating of your heart as he touched you softly. Peter blushed and you grinned, rubbing at the stain going over your boobs. "What? No no no." He said, releasing his hands from you. "I'm joking Pete." He seemed to relax a little when you said that, his lips tugging into a smile, "You're mean." You beamed and wet the tissue again, "You're the one who was tryna touch my boobs." Peter rolled his eyes, discarding the pile of mangled tissues in the bin, "You're impossible y/l/n." You chuckled and looked back in the mirror, sighing when you looked at the lighter brown stain still visible on the front of your shirt. "Urgh this isnt coming off. I'll have to go to lost property for a new shirt." You said grumpily, the clothes in lost property hadn't been washed in years and mainly consisted of pe shirts from 20 years ago. Lovely. Peter raised his eyebrows at you, obviously questioning your plan for a lost property outfit. You sighed and looked in the mirror again, there was no way you could continue wearing this shirt. "Yeah I know lost property is grim but what other choice do I have?" You said, washing your hands of coffee juice. "You could wear my hoodie." Peter suggested and you scoffed, "No you'll be cold." Peter shook his head at your refusal, his mind racing with thoughts of you in his hoodie and how cute you would look. "Nah I'll be alright, I'd rather you wear this than some smelly shirt y/l/n." Peter replied, already taking his hoodie off. You laugh and watch as he pulls the navy hoodie off his body, shirt lifting up as he did and revealing his toned abs and waist. You feel your face heat up and quickly look away from him. You look back to Peter again as he hands you the shirt, a knowing smirk on his stupidly gorgeous face. "Thanks." You say, feeling the soft fabric of the hoodie. "Urm I'm gonna need to take my shirt off." You announce, looking into Peter's chocolate eyes. At once he flushes and his eyes go a little wide, "Oh yeah uh right." He turns round to face the wall and you quickly peel your sticky shirt off, putting it on the edge of the sink before you pull Peter's hoodie over your bra. "All good." You say and he turns back around, an large grin instantly filling his face. Peter's stomach flips at the sight of you, his sleeves passing your fingers slightly. "Peter this is huge!" You laugh, putting your arms out to show him. He chuckles and shrugs, "You look cute." At once you blush and to hide your burning face you turn to the mirror to try and tuck the front in somehow. That's when you notice the large white lettering on the back. "Peter." You say, looking at him from the mirror. He hums in acknowledgement, looking up at you. "This has your surname on the back." Peter pretends to look round as if he didn't know and then gives you the biggest cheeky grin, "oh yeah." "Dude I cant wear this, people will think it's weird!" You said, worrying about the rumours that would spread round school. Peter picked up your shirt, folding it neatly, "well it's either my comfy hoodie or some sweaty shirt." You huffed and tugged on the sleeves slightly, "Ugh I'll wear this. Thanks Peter." You said and he smiled at you, leaning against the wall now. "Can I have my shirt now?" You asked, seeing that Peter had it tucked in his hand. "I have a plastic bag in my locker we can get it after 2nd period." He replied and you dropped your outstretched hand, chuckling, "so you're gonna carry my shirt round all morning?" Peter grinned and nodded, "yep." You roll your eyes playfully at him and reach for your backpack in the corner. When you sling it on your shoulders and look up, you see peter has his phone out and is taking photos of you. You frown and stick your bottom lip out slightly, reaching for his phone, "Stopppp." Peter chuckles and takes one more photo before tucking his phone back into his pocket. "Come on or we'll be late." He speaks up and the bell rings for class seconds later. You follow him out of the bathroom, walking quickly to chem. You both scoot into the class just in time, the teacher arriving mere seconds later. Sitting down in your seat, you glance to Lara Jean beside you. "What?" You ask, confused why she had her eyebrows raised at you and a smirk on her lips. "Whos hoodie is that y/n, you smell like man." She replies, leaning in to smell you again. "Peter Kavinsky's." You whisper back, taking out your notebook and pencil case. "Wait what?!" Lara Jean says loudly, making a few people turn to look at her. "Sshhh, i know i know," you say in reply to her shocked face, "some guy spilt coffee on my shirt this morning and Peter gave me his hoodie so I didn't have to wear a lost property shirt." Lara Jean looked at you sceptically, not convinced of Peter's motive to help you at all. She couldn't count the number of times Peter had come up to her or texted her asking if you were going to a party or the game or if you fancied anyone. "Sureeee." LJ replied, "I think he just fancies you." You scoffed and chuckled, "no he doesn't Lara Jean, he was just being kind." She gave you a look which said 'really?' before turning back to her work. A few seconds later when you thought you had finally escaped her teasing words she spoke up as she absent mindedly copied a table from the textbook, "yeah that's why he hasn't stopped looking at you since you came in together." At once, you whipped your head around to see Peter looking at you directly, his pen tucked behind his ear and chin resting on his hand. You noticed your white shirt neatly placed on the corner of his lab desk. He grinned at you which made you shake your head, a small smile tugging at your lips. Peter sighed as he watched you turn back, loving the way his surname looked across your back, wishing he could see you in his hoodies everyday. "That doesn't mean anything." You whispered, not believing Lara Jean's words at all. The rest of the day passed by ever so slowly and you were exhausted by the time you and Lara Jean reached her car. You were having movie night with her and Kitty this evening so she was driving you three home. "Gen's making evil eyes at me across the parking lot." You speak up, leaning on the side of LJ's car while you waited for Kitty. Lara Jean turned round to see Gen standing by the school entrance with some of her friends, watching you with a large scowl on her face. She burst out laughing, turning to her car and unlocking it when she noticed Kitty coming across the parking lot, "Yeah cos she's jealous that Kavinsky has the fattest crush on you." You rolled your eyes at her comment, "Peter doesn't like me Lara Jean." "Yes he does." You hear a voice say and turn back around to see Kitty beaming widely at you, "Nice hoodie you have there y/n, i really like the lettering on the back." You narrow your eyes at her and she grins wider, cheekily scooting inside the backseats before you could attack her. You sighed and walked round to the passenger side, buckling in and putting your bag on the floor by your feet. "Oh crap." You say as LJ pulls onto the main road, "I forgot to give him the hoodie back and he still has my shirt." Kitty bursts out laughing, making you whip round to her, scowling immensely. "Just text him saying you'll give it back to him tomorrow and i'm sure he'll do the same." LJ said, glancing at you with a smirk on her face in the front mirror. You nod and pull your phone out, scrolling down to Peter's contact and texting him, 'sorry kavinsky, is it okay if i give you back your hoodie tomorrow once ive washed it?' A few minutes later, you get a reply, 'yup, same for your shirt.' A second later another text comes through, 'see you tomorrow y/l/n' with a smiley face. You grinned to yourself and listen to the music playing out the car's radio. The following morning, you walk nervously to find Peter, his hoodie folded neatly in your hand after it got washed last night. You spot him standing with Greg by his locker, his hair messy from early morning practice. You smile fondly and walk over to the pair, smoothing out your striped pants. "Oh hey y/n!" Greg says, leaning alongisde Peter's locker. "Morning Greg, sorry I just came to give Peter his hoodie back." Peter turns to you, a wide smile on his face. "Thanks for letting me borrow it yesterday Kavinsky." You say, handing him the soft hoodie back somewhat reluctantly. "No worries, here's your shirt back, my mum managed to get the coffee stain out." You grin at him and your face heats up slightly from Peter's warm gaze. "Oh thanks!" You reply, taking your now clean shirt back. "You know I think you look better in my hoodies." Peter says, tucking his hoodie into his locker and cheekily grinning at you, referencing to the white sweater you are wearing. "Shove off Kavinsky, you're lucky your cute." You retort back, heart hammering and completely oblivious to Greg's amused face watching the both of you gaze longingly at each other. You spot Lara Jean and Chris in the hall ahead so turn to walk away, smiling at Peter and Greg, "See you later Kavinsky." Peter gives you a nod and a cheeky smirk, watching as you walk away. "Dude you're so whipped." Greg states, looking at Peter's love filled face. "Yeh i know." Peter replies, leaning back against his locker, his eyes trained on you.

[binniesthighs]

Pole dancer felix and binnie as that guard who watches over the entrance to the club (is it a bouncer..? I’m not sure but it’s the guy who guards)

Then in the after hours of the club, they have fun with you, aka the owner of the club 😔 this is a powerful combo of hot and adorable. The three of you often fuck if not drink after watching felix dance like an angel huhu

FRICK you really didn’t hold back on me with this one 😭 felix as a super pretty pole dancer I will literally loose my mind over this ahhhhh and binnie being protective over lix as well as over you oh my god you spoke to my SOUL with this one i can picture it so clear! 

I’m totally seeing like a hazy private booth--your private booth--after hours in the club with bin and lix, everyone knows not to interrupt you. Felix is dressed up like a vision: he has the most gorgeous silver jewelry that adorns his whole body, tons of piercings as well that make him look like an angel! of course bin’s got his pride and would never say how much he adores the both of you, but you know. Bin would lay you over the table to spread your legs wide, then kiss every single bit of your body that he manage. Felix is a soft touch and thanks you up and down for providing for him and praises you extra well when you take in Changbin deeply with only the cover of a curtain to hide you. Both you and Bin delight in watching Felix dance, and often won’t let him be touched by others outside of you even though dozens are dying to. ✨

[brideofcthulhu10]

Next up on our list my lovelies is Paul! A special thank you to @trescharmant-mydear for helping me with brainstorming ideas when writers block had me stumped! I hope you fang babes all enjoy the next boy in our child birth saga!

Lost Boys Fem!S/O Gives Birth [2/4]

Paul

The whole pregnancy thing was undoubtedly a massive shock when you had finally told him. At first he wasn’t even sure it was his. Granted you slugged him for even suggesting you had been having an affair but he couldn’t help it! The idea of impregnation was pretty much impossible as far as they knew. He had no heartbeat, the blood in his veins was dead and black, he kind of assumed by that point his gun was shooting blanks. That is until you began rejecting anything that wasn’t blood or meat. Every day he could see more of that reality coming into play. At first he thought maybe he had just imagined it, but when your stomach grew in really sank in. 

 He was terrified beyond belief knowing he’d soon be responsible for a living, breathing thing- er baby- guh! The word freaked him out. No one even warned him what came with it. Well, Dwayne tried to but those books were nasty. Especially the pictures. Paul tried his best to sit through them but it just stressed him out! There wouldn’t be a doctor! There would be no sterilized hospital bed where a team of nurses would be on standby if there were complications- hell, they wouldn’t be able to know if there even were any complications! That’s what scared him more than anything. You both were utterly in the dark. Were you healthy? Was the baby healthy? Could this kill you if they weren't careful? Ultrasounds were out too, so he couldn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. The uncertainty of it all was torture!

The only way he knew they were still alive was from his own bizarre connection to them. Sure his mental powers were never as clean cut as David’s, but he could still feel their emotions inside you. It was raw. There were no clear thoughts. Even the emotions would pile over each other. Hungry, tired, anxious, hyper, mad, happy. It was almost like there was more than one consciousness in there, but he just figured it was your own heartbeat and emotions clouding the baby's.

Hormones were wild between you both. You wanted sex more than you ever had before, and at first he was all for it. Being the mother of his unborn child brought out a desire that was utterly foreign to him. Yeah he loved you to death before, but now… he couldn't keep his hands off of you. The first few months it was wild, but the bigger you got the more worried he was that something could happen if he lost control. Okay, well, as long as he was careful right? But, things did not go exactly to plan when a firm kick pressed on his erm… Needless to say it certainly freaked him out. Then came the morning sickness.

Fuck whatever liar came up with that name. “Morning”? Try morning, noon, night, and the ass crack of dawn. Twenty-four seven. He hated seeing you hugging a trash bin, panting between excruciating heaves that made your stomach spasm. Paul could only hold your hair back while you gurgled out sobs. It was even harder knowing he was partially responsible for putting you in this position to begin with. Afterwards he’d carry you back to your bed. Yeah, bed. All the guys had felt that you needed something way better than a couch to crash on. There were more pillows and blankets than you could count. Piles on the bed, scattered on the floor, stacked up in the corners. With a bit of searching they’d found a pocket-cave branching just off their own that kept you out of sight and even better, nearby. What Paul really couldn’t account for was how frickin’ clumsy you were! 

Oops you just banged your knee! Well looks like you accidentally nicked your hand while peeling a freaking apple! Paul nearly ripped a guys head off for bumping into you on the boardwalk just to cut in line with his stupid friends. Eventually he just refused to leave your side during the second trimester when he found a bruise on your stomach. You didn’t have the heart to tell him those were from the baby kicking. While the guys went hunting he’d just lay beside you in bed gushing over your taut belly. The baby always stirred when he spoke, even more so when he’d serenade them. His voice always made your face heat up, and inside you could feel your child eagerly pressing up. While Paul was certainly uneasy about his encroaching parenthood he was over the moon the first time the baby really kicked. Even if it seemed scary he was so excited he could hardly sleep most nights. Every day he'd wonder when they'd get here, bombarding you with thousands of questions.

"Do you think they'll have your eyes? I bet if it's a boy he'll be a bad ass like his dad, huh," he asked. There was almost a glee to his voice, it was so adorable to watch him shed that panic for just a moment to fantasize about the baby. Anything. Teaching them to play guitar, taking them on their first hunt. He didn't care if it was a boy or girl. Part of you really hoped it'd be a little girl. 

“They probably won’t get any eye color until the fifth month I think,” you’d remind him, flipping through the aged pages of a baby book. "I do know if it is a boy he's gonna be so much like you."

"Unless it's a girl," he pondered, tapping your belly like it was an over ripe melon, watching it stirr with life. "Oh god you'll break so many hearts. But no boyfriends. Or girlfriends. Only dad."

"Babe thats not gonna be for years," you assured, petting his head. "You can't keep them from dating when they're old enough."

"Uh, the fuck I can't," he retorted, his hand kicked again. "Yeah I said it. No dating for you"

As they grew you could feel something was.. Off. Granted you couldn’t do much to check but, it almost felt like there was more than one heartbeat...

Your due date was slowly rolling closer as summer shed it's long, hot days for the chilled season of autumn. Tonight was a late, stormy October night. Most of Santa Carla was holed up at home hoping it wouldn’t rain tomorrow on Halloween. Paul grumbled slurping at a blood bag laying on his side as he propped his head on his hand, currently bored out of his mind while you carved at a pumpkin with Marko. 

“I think it needs more teeth,” you’d say to yourself out loud.

Marko peeked over, titling his head to the side. “More eyes too.”

All the guys decided to stay back tonight. It wasn’t just the rain, all of them were nervous to leave you alone. None of them were doctors, but even they could tell your stomach was much bigger than expected. Dwayne was flipping through an old book while David had just gotten back from a hunt. 

Ever since you hit your third trimester each of them took turns gathering blood. A few blood bags alone would not cover it for four hungry vampires and an honorary vamp who had a ton of cravings. Instead they'd carry four or five empty milk jugs that'd be filled to the brim with sloshing, goopy red fluid. 

"Guys, you oughta go get something to eat, you don't need to watch me twenty-four seven," you insist, carefully dragging the knife through the thick gourd's flesh. 

"This wasn't up for debate last time, it’s still not now," David retorted, tossing one of the jugs Dwayne's way. Marko caught a second one, eagerly knocking back a swig. The sight made you want to throw up again. It was slow, like a thick molasses dyed crimson with globs of congealed plasma. Okay looking at the pumpkin again before you had to puke. 

"Don't worry about us, Y/N," Marko insisted with red stained teeth, tossing the now half empty jug to Paul. "It's only a few more months. Blood is blood."

Paul stood up, swooping behind you with his arms around your shoulders. "Speakin' of blood kitten, you need to eat." You looked at the jug as he set it on the table and immediately scrunched up your nose. Now, it'd been seven and a half months of drinking it, so you'd gotten used to the bizarre taste of salty, vinegary cherries with a metallic aftertaste. It always made your body heat up, the feeling itself was better than any booze you'd tried. But the texture. Oh god the fricking texture! Blobby, goopy, slimy- no! 

"Uuuugh," you hesitated, only to have Marko push it towards you. “Can’t I just have a raw steak or something, it’s not nearly as gnarly as straight blood.”

"Don't be picky, you need to eat."

You glanced back at Paul who was just pouting behind you. "Come on babes, drink up."

Once again. Thick, soupy but warm fluids ran down the back of your throat. Everything felt heated, spreading from your stomach to each of your limbs. This time you felt an ache in the base of your abdomen. It was enough to incite a small gasp. And with that suddenly each of them had sat up. 

"What's wrong, what's going on," Paul quickly asked, placing a hand over your stomach. 

Marko had stood up, looking at you with a furrowed brow. "Is it-?"

"Guys, guys," you interrupt. "I'm okay, I swear. It was just a cramp."

It wasn't even a surprise when Paul lifted you up again bridal-style. "Paul,c’mon, I’m fine, really."

"Nope, nope I am not even risking that shit babes. C'mon kitten I'll lay with ya," he insisted, kicking anything on the floor out of his way. But again it ached. This time it lasted two minutes. You clung to him, trying to take a breath. This wasn’t your average false contraction that would only occur maybe every hour. "Paul- Paul it's not stopping."

"Wait wait wait what," Paul asked in rapid following, gently setting you down. Marko had gotten up to help you stand with Paul on the other side. A sharp pain wrapped around your waist. Now another two minutes. It was enough to make you double over with your hands over your stomach. 

"Shit oh shit wait hold on." Paul was in a panic. He wasn't ready! The baby wasn't supposed to be there for another month! It was too soon! 

You, on the other hand, were far too busy trying to keep yourself standing. It wasn't just your abdomen. It was your stomach, all the way up your back, your womb felt like it was being torn open from inside. Dwayne jumped over the sofa when the two blondes failed to move, lifting you up. Your jeans were soaked, sharp pains were faster, harder, any time another contraction squeeze you let out an agonized cry. 

They all made a mad dash for your room, propping you up against a pile of pillows. "No,  no wait, don't look," you insisted to the others as Paul tried to help you get your soggy jeans off.

"I'm about to help you push a baby out, and you're getting embarrassed by us seeing your underwear," Dwayne questioned

"Shut up, turn your fuckin head," Paul snapped. Carefully he draped a blanket over your legs, pulling off your jeans. There was utter fear across his face. He was so afraid of what this could do to you.

 "Hey.. its okay," you assured him, cupping his face. Well, okay was a bit of an overstatement. Still, the tender touch seemed to provide some small ease as he placed his hand over yours. Again, you assured him it'd all be okay. Marko came running in with a bucket of warm water, David was grumbling about carrying over a mountain of towels, Dwayne leaned over Paul tapping him hard on the back of his shoulder. "Paul you need to check how dilated she is."

"WHAT?"

It was time for both of you chiming in disbelief. "No no, wait Dwayne man, I can't-!"

"If she pushes before she's ready, the baby will get hurt in the process," he interrupted him, grabbing Paul by his shoulders. "You gotta do it, man, I can't do it for you."

"The fuck, why me?!"

"Paul?!" It was your turn to question his logic and the blonde threw up his hands, clutching at his head trying to think.

"I'm sorry! I'm panicking!"

"Dude Paul," Marko shouted.

"What?!"

"Listen, man, this can't be good for either of them. Nut up, dude," he assured him, patting his back. Paul looked at you, still trembling on your bed. You were just as scared as him, bottom lip trembling, he could even see your shoulders shaking. "...okay…" 

The feeling was so uncomfortable. You couldn't even focus between the throbbing pains that shot up your back and the tearing pull between your legs. Tears burned your eyes, you thought you might pass out. Marko was rapidly wiping away sweat from your face, letting you hold his hand. Even if you broke it, unlikely, it'd heal in an hour anyways. 

"Okay how many fingers can you manage," Dwayne asked, getting a strange look from Paul. "Just tell me how many, you asshole.:

"It's like, all my fingers man I dunno what that means."

"Go to her man, I got this," he assured, pushing him up to you. Paul climbed up on the bed beside you holding you tightly in his arms with your shoulder nestled against his armpit with one arm over your shoulder and the other you immediately snatched his hand, panting rapidly. "Shh slow down baby, slow down."

"God it fucking hurts," you whine, throwing your head back on the pillow. Blood stained the bed, a thick pink-red spot on the blanket spreading out. Your face was completely flushed as a tight pressure slowly dragged down your back that made your toes curl. If Paul wasn't pinning you in place you would be writhing. There was a horrid fire in your body, there were no words left in you, only screams. Dwayne's urges to push were muffled, the ache in you back slowly pulled lower until you were able to hear them. A thick gurgle followed by high pitched, raspy wailing. While Dwayne had pulled the infant into a thick, fluffy towel something felt wrong. It still hurt. Your stomach felt no relief, in fact you felt it pull and ache again. "Wa...wait i.. no it's-it's not done, I'm not done," you whimper in a panic.

"Wait what the hell do you mean you aren’t done?! I thought there was just one?!”

Paul looked over at Dwayne, who in turn ran to David and passed the swaddled newborn his way much to his dismay. “Just hold them for a minute man, we weren’t exactly expecting more!

“I got it,” Marko volunteered, climbing off to bed to hold the baby carefully in his grasp. Your screams tore through, a second wave of pain reviving old agony. There was little relief as the same horrid tension in your back spread out. Paul coaxed you through it, but somehow it hurt even worse than before.

“No,” you cried, shaking your head. Your face burned, tears streaming down your face leaving your vision completely blurry. “No no no, I can’t, let me go! I can't, I can’t! Paul, I can’t-!”

“Baby, listen you can do this! You got this, yes you fucking do,” he yelled over you holding your head to his shoulder. “Listen to me. C’mon you fucking got this, kitten! Don’t you give up, don’t you dare fucking give up now!”

With everything you had you screamed until your throat felt raw, pushing as hard as you could until finally, finally… it stopped. A huge wave of relief made your muscles go limp. Two. You just had given birth. To twins. The realization had finally hit Paul asw he looked up at Marko still holding his first born. “Are they…”

“Dude, you got a girl,” he beamed, carefully passing the swollen new born half-awake clinging to the towel. Occasionally her grey eyes squinted open, making trembling whimpers until she nestled back into sleep.

You managed to catch your breath, Marko helping you lay down while Dwayne circled around with your son. A boy too. You couldn’t help but laugh through tears, finally able to see his face after so many months of waiting. Paul couldn’t even hold back tears, laughing like an idiot as he pulled you both in his arms. “Fuck man… oh shit I’m a fucking dad,” he choked out, trying to hide his tears.

“Let it out man,” Marko teased, patting his shoulders.

“Shit man I can't stop crying... they’re so perfect.” Paul ran a hand gently over his son’s head still softly crying in your arms, watching him soothed as he clung to his finger. He looked you in the eyes, both of you just in utter awe that you brought not one, but two lives to the world. Nothing but tears and smiles between you. It was October 31st, 2 am, and you had spent the past four and a half hours of Hell to bring your twins (Girl Name) and (Boy name). Paul could not even fathom the amount of love he was feeling, trailing kisses all over your lips and cheeks. “Happy Halloween, kitten.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, laying your head back against his chest just unable to tear your eyes away from your beautiful new family after so many hours of grueling pain, so much waiting, in the end it was worth more than either of you had ever dreamed.

 “Happy Halloween, babe…”

[kiligaus]

Better With You

Summary

Y/n a great ballet dancer, Jihoon an amazing hip hop dancer. Both are on their school's dance team, and both are top tier dancers. Except, Jihoon HATES the sight of Y/n and vice versa. The two can't stand being in the same room with each other until they are forced to. The next school dance competition is coming, and both were forced to compete as a duet. Oh, did I mention their both total opposites?

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Cursing

Word count: 2.5k

moodboard // twt profiles // Part 1 //

I was packing my dance bag when suddenly I was knocked over from behind. Already knew who the culprit was, so I took my pointe shoe and launched it in the direction of where that person was walking. Just barely missing his head. “PARK JIHOON! WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WALKING NEXT TIME!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I hated this guy, he’s so fricking cocky. He really thinks he's the best when he REALLY isn’t. There are way more talented people on the team.

Jihoon then picked up my shoe, dug his heel into the ground and turned to face me. Then suddenly he threw my shoe right back at me, hitting me in the arm. “WHY DON'T YOU, LEARN WHERE TO PROPERLY PUT YOUR SHOE!” He hissed.  “Why don't you WATCH where your throwing.” I walked up to the boy with slightly damp hair, indicating he just came from practice. I took him by the collar and yanked him closer to my face, while he mirrored me. “Jihoon!” “Y/n!”

Suddenly, my younger brother Yeongue, my best friend Yeorum, Yedam and Yoonbin; Jihoons friends came to pull us apart. “Sis, stop not here..” Yeongue pleaded. “He's right Y/n, come let's go,” Yeoreum added. “But HE started it.” I whined. “I started, more like YOU started it.” Jihoon scoffed. “Dude come let's go….” Yoonbin pulls Jihoon towards the exit.

Suddenly the tall boy broke away from his friends, coming at me with hands ready to be thrown. While I did the same. As our friends scramble to break us up.

~~~~~~~

“Mr. Park, Ms. Kim. You know why I’ve called you both here today, right?” Silence. “If it were up to me I would have you both suspended.” He sighs. Both of us tense up. I tightened my grip on my pants when suddenly I felt a hand over mine. I take a peek under the table, it was Jihoons. I glance over at the boy next to me, he didn't seem phased at all, eyes were focused on the principle. “But, since you guys are apart of our beloved dance team, so I won't. Instead, you must compete as a duet in the upcoming competition.”

Our eyes shot open. By this time Jihoon lets go of my hand. “B-but Mr. Yang I can't work with her, she's a complete snob.” “And I can't work with him he's way to cocky.” “Well, guess you have to make due. You two are dismissed.” He bluntly states, leaving both of us in complete utter shock. I can't believe this actually happening.

Both of us exited the principal's office.

I sprinted to the dance room, bursting into our dance captains office, Jihoon shortly trailing in after. “Herin, PLEASE tell me you’ll talk to the principal and convince him to pull me out of this duet” I whine. “This isn’t fair she’s too uptight to work with.” Jihoon shoots his hand up pointing towards me, pouting. “Hey!!”

“I was the one who suggested it.” She said nonchalantly. Our jaws fell open. I can't believe she would suggest such a thing.

“HERIN!” “I am aware that both of you hate each other, but I am also aware that both of you are the best dancers this school has. And with both of you competing, I am positive we can secure a win. And I also know both of you will do anything to win, am I right.” She clasps her hands together.

“Yes….” We mumble. “Glad I made my reason clear.” Jihoon leaves her office first, clearly resentful to the idea. Why of all days, why now why do this me, what have I done. Besides the fact, I fight with him all the time. I hated the idea of having to work him, our styles, so different how would this duet work? How would we work?

“Y/n.” I turned around. “Yes, Herin?” “I know you don't like this idea but, believe me, working with him will make you a stronger dancer.” Herin puts a hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, right.” I say sarcastically brushing her hand off and walking out of her office.

“They'll thank me later.”

~~~~~~

I walk back into the change room, as I forgot to pick up the pointe shoe that Jihoon chucked back at me when I hear pop music coming from one of the smaller dance rooms.

I decided to sneak a peek at who was dancing in the room. So I tiptoed my way to the door frame and opened the door enough for me to see who was dancing. To my surprise, it was none other than Jihoon.

I stand there watching his every move, every turn, and every facial expression. This was my first time to see him dance, well not first time but you know what I mean. His movements were so strong, so fluid, filled with so much emotion. I have to admit, he was good. No extremely good, I guess he is worthy of “the best dancer” title.

I stood there for what seems like forever until he was finished his set. Sweat drops forming on his forehead, his dark hair, damp from the sweat. He stood there trying to catch his breath. Dare I say, he kinda looks good. None the less he really was an amazing dancer.

“Cat got your tongue?” A voice spoke. “W-what the fuck- no. I was just passing by.” Lie. It was Yoonbin one of Jihoons friends. “Hmm, sure. Jihoon is a good dancer, ya know.” Yes, he was. “I mean, he could use more work but.” “Yoonbin? I that you? Whos there?” It was Jihoon, I can't let him find me here. “Shit, I wasn't here, got it?” I glare at Yoonbin. With that, I hid behind one of the lockers.

I peek behind to see what was happening. Jihoon walks out of the room, running his hands through his dark locks. “Was there someone with you.” He looks around the room. “Nope, just me.” Thank god. “I saw your dance, powerful as always.” Yoonbin complements. “Thanks, Bin just getting my anger out.” “Hmm?” “Y/n and I are the duet for the competition, by force.” He sighs. “Hey, at least your working with one of the best.” He pats is back. “Sure. Make sure your movements are sharp. AGAIN.” He mocks. First of all, I do not sound like that. Second of all, he isn't the only one sulking about this. But we need to suck it up for the sake of the team.

~~~~~~

“So noona, what happened in there.” My brother questions. “I'd rather not say.” “Oh come on, I'm sure it isn't something bad.” He pesters. “If you call, me and Jihoon the duet for the competition, “not bad” then I have no clue what is.” I complain. Silence. I turn to face my brother. His mouth agape. “What?’’ “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, MY SISTER AND HER SWORN ENEMY, IN THE SAME DUET. WE’RE DOOMED. THERE GOES OUR WIN!” He whines. I could not believe what just unfolded in front of me. “Listen here you brat, I’m sure the both of us can find a way to work things out.” I say with no confidence in my voice what so ever.

“Hmm, sure.” Yeongue crosses his arm. I smack him in the head lightly. “Come on, let's get home before I beat your ass.” “What!?! What did I do?” He whines. “Everything, that's what you did.” “Hmph…. What's for dinner.” “We’ll see.”

~~~~~~

I was sitting at my desk doing my homework when I heard my text tone went off.

‘Y/n, I have a good feeling there is no way we can get out of this, meet me at the studio at XXXX address, so we can TRY to work on this. -jihoon’

I didn't want to deal with this at the moment. So I simply ignored it.

‘Ik you saw this Y/n as much as I don't wanna work with you, the captain is right I will do will anything to win. Ik you would do anything too, so pls’

‘Ps I got ur number from ur bro:)’

I ran my hand through my hair and responded.

‘What if I said no?:)’

‘Come on Y/n… don't you wanna win?’

‘...fine as long as you pick me up’

‘Fuck no.’

‘Then consider this duet, through’

I saw the familiar three dots appear, signaling that he was thinking about it

‘Fine, be ready in 15’

‘XXX, the address’

I leaned back in my chair and sighed. I can not believe this is actually happening. I gathered the rest of my pride to get my stuff together. I packed my bag with pointe shoes, got dressed and headed downstairs. “And where are you going?” Yeongue questioned. “None of you business traitor.” I glared plopping on the couch. “I literally breathed what did I do?” “You gave him my number that's what you did” “Huh, oh what was I supposed to do? Say “Sorry, she doesn't have a phone” When ur literally on it 25/8.” He talks back.

“And where did you learn that sass from?” I question. “Learned from the best.” He makes a face at me. I return the favor.

My phone rings.

“I'm, outside come out loser.”

“Whatever.”

I hung up the phone. “Call me when mom gets home, or if she doesn't, kay.” “Yup, now be nice.” He mocks. “I am.”

I head out the door. And I come face to face with Jihoon and his Audi. “Get in.” He demands. And I comply. The whole ride there was silence. This was the first he and I have been alone together, not counting the times we were in detention. I sat there silently in the passenger seat looking out the window. While looking out the window I remembered, how Jihoon had his hand over mine in the principal's office.

“So.” I started. “Back in the office, uhh why did you hold my hand?” I look over to the boy who was driving the Audi, eyes focused on the road. “Hmm, I thought, Mr. Yang would notice and go easy on us, but as you can see that didn't happen.” He sighs. I scoff in disbelief. “In short, you attempted to use me to get out of there, fucking selfish. “Hey, in my defense you also did not want to be there.”

There goes my attempt at holding a conversation. All he cares about is himself, no one else. I can't believe I’m actually complying to this. With that, the rest of the car ride there was in silence.

~~~~~~

At the studio

“We’re here.” I get out of the car. Wow, this place is amazing. I look at the building standing in front of me in awe. Jihoon and I enter through the full glass entrance with matching doors to go with it. And came face to the modernized lobby. Jihoon went to the front desk to ask if there was a dance studio available for us to use, giving me time to look around.

I walk around and look at all of the amazing dancers in the paintings that were hung in the lobby. One day I’ll be just like them, just wait and see. “Loser!” Jihoon yells pulling me back into reality. “One day I’ll be just like them.” That's what I said. “Pfft, in your dreams.” I humor. He pushes me causing me to stumble backward.

“Anyways I got us a room.” “Sweet.” Jihoon guides me up the stairs and into the dance studio he managed to get us. “How you even know about this place? I mean like it's like so high class.” I questioned, attempting at another conversation. “Cousin works here. Get changed there's a change room over there.” He bluntly states and heads towards the guys change room. Nice going Y/n, if you can't hold a conversation with him how can you even dance with him. I go grab my stuff and get changed.

I exited the change room wearing my leggings and loose crop top with my sports bra under and my pointe shoes on of course. I walked back into the dance studio where Jihoon was already warming up.

He was wearing a plain white shirt and grey Nike sweats. “So, I was thinking we go with a ballad song, like this.” I say pulling out my phone. “Uhh, here's what we’re not gonna do, we are going to an energetic piece.” “Uhh, how bout not. I don't DO energetic.” I say. “And I don't DO ballad songs. We glare at each other. This is the exact reason why I did not to work with him, he never listens to me.

He puts on a song over the speakers. “Dance, we’ll see what fits and what doesn’t.” He suggests. I raised my hands in the air and back off to the other side of the studio.

I started to dance, he did too. Anyone could tell that our styles did not mesh. Suddenly Jihoon bumped into me for like the 100th time today, I looked over at him and he just smirked. This bastard, if he wants to go let's go.

I walk over to him and shoved him, and signaled him to bring it on. And he did pulling off his best moves in order to out dance me, oh I was not going to let him beat me. He stopped dancing indicating it was my turn, I took this opportunity to pirouette towards him backing him out of my space. I pulled my sharpest moves, even throwing some flips that Yeorum taught me, all going to the song of course. The suddenly Jihoon joined in. Both of us battling to see who was better, but it was clearly both of us were tied went it came to the technique, but neither of was wanted to admit it.

“THAT'S IT! I had enough, we aren't going anywhere! All we’ve done is compete! We are not going to get anywhere!” I yelled. “It's your fault, you got in my way!” He huffs. “I did not you bumped into me!” “Hah, funny I’m totally laughing right now.” “If you would just listen to me, we would probably be down!” I scream.

“Not everything is about you! I can't help that you can’t let loose!” Jihoon yells out. That's it he drew the line I’m out. I can’t work with this BS. I grabbed my bag and shoes and left the studio. “And where do you think you're going?” Jihoon follows me out. “Home.” I deadpanned.

“We just got here, you can't leave.” “Just watch me try.” I stormed down the stairs and left the place. I can’t believe that he said that, he's spouting complete and utter bullshit. I walked outside, then walked back Jihoon. “Drive me home.”

(a/n sksks this the first time im letting the world see my writing, dw im planning to get better,, ignore the mistakes ive made in the story. part 2 will be out soon <3 luv yall please continue to support)

[karma-jinx]

ML Onii-Chan Babbles

*Spoilers*

Mind you I don’t know French all to well so I understood things to the best of my abilities.

Wow Marinette was really next level at the beginning of this episode. Like, damn she chased after Adrien on bike. Even tried climbing up a wall. Seriously Marinette chill out please, I know it’s Lila and all but Adrien is well aware she’s what she is. But he’s too kind to not try and help her. She also built a fricking trash bin tower?! Honestly wtf Marinette, you are one determined woman. But I liked that the fireman stopped to talk to her. I think that’s what she really needed. Up until he helps her hop over the wall that is. Kinda just face palmed. Also her transforming in a trash con, I found that funnier than it should be.

Sneaky plagg, loved his face after she saw the hidden cheese. Plagg does not like sharing much does he?

How’d Lila get Kagami’s number? She clearly didn’t know who Kagami was. Probably took it from Adrien’s phone. But how the hell did she get Gabriel’s number?!?! Also the fact her thorn horn grew as she lied, plus chat spouting it was funny.

Also, may sound bad but I’m kinda happy to see Kagami flip out? Only because she seems to work hard to keep herself in check, so it was kinda nice to see her get upset about something. Aside from when she became an akuma. It was just nice to see she can and does feel emotions. It’s was so sweet to see she carries the rose Adrien gave her along with a photo. But it was sad to watch her cry. Also how the hell she cut down a tree like she did. Gawd damn she’s strong. Did her mom hear her cry? She was there like? Whu???

Also she just straight up and snatched the lucky charm. And that made me so unexpectedly happy cuz why the hell hasn’t anyone done that before?! Also the way she looked at Chat when he carried her???? Idk seems a bit too gleeful to me.

How Chat Noir hit Oniichan like his staff was a long ass bat made me giggle. Laughed as he went all, “what’s so good about him when I’m right here.” Bro you’re the same guy what?! He’s utter shock when Onii-chan said all the things about Adrien, gosh the blonde is blind af. Him getting irritated with his own ad, priceless. Chat Noir finally calling Lila out on her bullshit. Then proceeds to stop fighting to answer Ladybugs call, this guy’s is giving me such mixed emotions.

Gabriel and Lila finally meeting. The end card. Uugghhh I’m all over the place with feelings. I’m happy about the episode, but Adrien flipping back and worth is starting to wear on me. Also they didn’t do their signature pound it!!!

[dustedmagazine]

Why Brecht Now? Vol. II: Nina Simone sings “Pirate Jenny”

Lotte Lenya’s terrific performance of “Pirate Jenny” in G.W. Pabst’s 1931 film version of The Threepenny Opera might be the most enduring version of the song. Brecht abandoned the movie project halfway through the shoot, suspicious of Pabst’s aestheticism and tired of arguing over changes to the narrative scenario and the stage play’s script. One wonders what Brecht might have made of Nina Simone’s rendition of “Pirate Jenny,” which he co-wrote with Kurt Weill in the late 1920s. Simone makes the song her own, not just in the idiosyncrasies of her performance, but in her substantive alterations to the song’s setting, to its title character and to its politics. Simone’s version is found on her 1964 LP Nina Simone in Concert. Below I present the lyrics to her performance, then, in brackets, Brecht’s original German. Following that are my thoughts on the song.

You people can watch while I’m scrubbing these floors And I’m scrubbing the floors while you’re gawking Maybe once you tip me, and it makes you feel swell In this crummy southern town, in this crummy old hotel But you’ll never guess to who you’re talking No, you could never guess to who you’re talking Then one night, there’s a scream in the night And you wonder, who could that have been? And you see me kind of grinning while I’m scrubbing And you say, “What’s she got to grin?” I’ll tell you

There’s a ship The black freighter With a skull on its masthead, will be coming in

You gentlemen can say, “Hey gal, finish them floors! Get upstairs! What’s wrong with you? Earn your keep here!” And you toss me your tips and look out to the ships But I’m counting your heads as I’m making the beds Cuz there’s nobody gonna sleep here, tonight Nobody’s gonna sleep here, honey Nobody Nobody Then one night, there’s a scream in the night And you say, “Who’s that kicking up a row?” And you see me kind of staring out the window And you say, “What’s she got to stare at now?” I’ll tell you

There’s a ship The black freighter Turns around in the harbor, shooting guns from her bow

Now, you gentlemen can wipe off that smile off your face Cuz every building in town is a flat one This whole fricking place will be down to the ground Only this old, cheap hotel standing up, safe and sound And you yell, “Why do they spare that one?” Yes, that’s what you say: “Why do they spare that one?” All the night through, through the noise and to-do You wonder, who is that person that lives up there And you see me stepping out in the morning Looking nice, with a ribbon in my hair

And the ship The black freighter Runs a flag up its masthead and a cheer rings the air!

By noontime the dock is aswarming with men Coming out from the ghostly freighter They move in the shadows where no one can see And they’re chaining up people and they’re bringing ‘em to me Asking me, “Kill them now or later?” Asking me, “Kill them now or later?” Noon by the clock, and so still at the dock You can hear a foghorn miles away And in the quiet of death, I’ll say, “Right now. Right now!” And they pile up the bodies, and I’ll say, “That’ll learn ya!”

And the ship The black freighter Disappears out to sea, and on it is me Ha!

 [Meine Herren, heute sehen Sie mich Gläser abwaschen Und ich mache das Bett für jeden Und Sie geben mir einen Penny und ich bedanke mich schnell Und Sie sehen meine Lumpen und dies lumpige Hotel Und Sie wissen nicht, mit wem Sie reden Und Sie wissen nicht, mit wem Sie reden Aber eines Tags wird ein Geschrei sein ma Hafen Und man fragt: Was ist das für ein Geschrei? Und man wird mich lächeln sehn bei meinen Gläsern Und man fragt: Was lächelt die dabei?

Und ein Schiff mit acht Segeln Und mit fünfzig Kanonen Wird liegen am Kai

Man sagt, geh, wisch deine Gläser, mein Kind Und man reicht mir den Penny hin Und der Penny wird genommen Und das Bett wird gemacht Es wird keiner mehr drin schlafen in dieser Nacht Und die wissen immer noch nicht, wer ich bin Und die wissen immer noch nicht, wer ich bin Und in dieser Nacht wird ein Getös sein am Hafen Und man fragt: Was ist das für ein Getös? Und man wich mich stehen sehen hinterm Fenster Und man fragt: Was lächelt die so bös?

Und ein Schiff mit acht Segein Und mit fünfzig Kanonen Wird bescheissen die Stadt

Meine Herren, da wird wohl ihr Lachen aufhörn Den die Mauern warden fallen hin Und am dritten Tage ist die Stadt dem Erdboden gleich Nur ein lumpiges Hotel wird veschont von jedem Streich Und man fragt: Wer wont Besonderer darin? Und man fragt: Wer wont Besonderer darin? Und in dieser Nacht wird ein Geschrei um das Hotel sien Und man fragt: Warum wird  das Hotel verschont? Und man sieht mich treten aus der Tür gegen Morgen Und man sagt: Die hat darin gewohnt?

Und ein Schiff mit acht Segein Und mit fünfzig Kanonen Wird beflaggen den Mast

Und es werden kommen hundert gen Mittag an Land Und werden in den Schatten treten Und fangen einen jeglichen aus jeglicher Tür Und legen ihn in Ketten und bringen ihn mir Und mich fragen: Welchen sollen wir töten? Und mich fragen: Welchen sollen wir töten? Und am diesem Mittag wird es still sein am Hafen Wenn man fragt, wer wohl sterben muss Und da warden Sie mich sagen hören: Alle! Und wenn dann der Kopf fällt, sage ich: Hoppla!

Und ein Schiff mit acht Segein Und mit fünfzig Kanonen Wird enschwinden mit mir]

In Pabst’s film, Jenny sings soon after learning that her erstwhile lover and pimp Mackie Messer has married Polly Peachum — and immediately after accepting a bribe from Polly’s mother, Mrs. Peachum, to betray Mackie to the London cops. Jenny takes the money, tips off the cops and sings. It seems like a desperate, nihilistic moment: an abject woman, amid turbid emotional and ethical crises, articulates a violent fantasy of absolute power. Whose side is Jenny on? Her own, of course, but operating at such an alienated distance from the social is never a good thing in Brecht.  

Simone’s performance feeds off Jenny’s anger and abjection, but the social politics of Simone’s revision are more emphatic, even didactic. In that way, she participates in Brecht’s artistic ethos: Walter Benjamin once noted that Brecht kept a statuette of a donkey in his apartment, and around the donkey’s neck was a sign that read, “Even I must understand it.”  

The import of Simone’s relocation of the song — from The Threepenny Opera’s Victorian London, to “this crummy southern town, in this crummy old hotel” — wouldn’t have been obscure to anyone in the Carnegie Hall audiences in front of whom she recorded Nina Simone in Concert, in March and April of 1964. The American south was then embroiled in civil rights struggle and mounting violence: Medgar Evers had been executed in his Mississippi driveway in June of 1963, and just a few months later, Addie Mae Collins, Carol Denise McNair, Carole Robertson and Cynthia Wesley were murdered in the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing in Birmingham, AL. Collins, Robertson and Wesley were 14 years old; McNair was 11.  

Simone addressed that violence in another, more famous song on Nina Simone in Concert, “Mississippi Goddam”: “Alabama’s got me so upset / Tennessee made me lose my rest / And everybody knows about Mississippi, goddam!” It’s rightly noted to be a watershed song, signaling Simone’s forceful transformation into protest singer, activist and cultural radical. Her version of “Pirate Jenny” may lack the referential specificity of that other, more storied song (and “Mississippi Goddam” gets pretty direct; at one point in the song, she intones, “Oh, but this whole country is full of lies / You’re all gonna die, and die like flies / I don’t trust you anymore” — in Carnegie Hall). But “Pirate Jenny” is a lively complement to the indignation of “Mississippi Goddam,” and tonally it’s even more bitter, even more violent.  

You can hear that implicit violence in the horrific cackle Simone produces at the 3:27 mark, immediately after the infantilizing image of the ribbon in Jenny’s hair. It’s a stirring contrast: the feminine innocent become vengeful fury. You can hear the bitterness in the final “Ha!” that bursts from her throat as she imagines herself disappearing over the horizon line with the ship. You can feel it in one of Simone’s other revisions to the song. In The Threepenny Opera, the song climaxes with Jenny’s shocking order that all the men in London (“Alle!”) should be killed for her pleasure. In Simone’s version, there’s never any doubt that all of her prisoners should be killed, it’s only a matter of how quickly. She hisses, rapaciously, “Right now / Right now!”  

In another notable change, Simone’s Jenny isn’t a prostitute, but a maid, cleaning up after “you people” in the aforementioned “crummy hotel.” Jenny is still marginalized, but there’s nothing subterranean or metaphorical about the economic environment she moves through. It’s all culturally sanctioned. Her oppression is a transparent element of her southern lifeworld, and she is thus sharply conscious of the manifest power of those transactions: “Maybe once you tip me, and it makes you feel swell.” It’s an important change to Brecht’s original lyrics, focusing on a set of economic relations that indicate Jenny’s racially charged plight. She’s a maid in a southern hotel, a laboring black woman, who’s made recognizable as such precisely because of the larger Jim Crow-period matrix of law and social practice that determined who did what work for whom.  

That economic register makes some of the song’s subsequent images even more resonant. The people on the receiving end of Jenny’s rage are “chained up” on the “dock.” The spectacle of terrified, chained bodies by the seaside evokes the slave auction block, even as the image wants to invert the slave economy’s racialized logic, of white oppressing black. And Simone repeatedly calls the ship in the harbor a “black freighter.” Black freight. It’s another marker for the slave trade, and perhaps Jenny is trying to run the film in reverse. Perhaps she wants to board the vessel, to sail all the slave ships back across the Atlantic, to neutralize the horror of the Middle Passage. That sounds like a utopian desire, a triumphal image that the song’s tone cannot sustain, or even create in the first place. Too much misery and violence has already happened. American history has already insisted that blackness and capital are inextricably bound. Utopian longing is beside the point. What’s needed is critique, sharpened by righteous rage.  

The historical period that we call “the Sixties” ground on for another ten years after Simone’s 1964 Carnegie Hall gigs. She became increasingly militant in her public rhetoric and performative style. She claimed once to have looked Martin Luther King in the face and said, “I am not non-violent.” Her voice throughout “Pirate Jenny” is a sort of corroborating evidence for that assertion.  

Simone’s assertiveness continues to reverberate today, as many of the most insistent leftist voices in American institutional politics come from women’s bodies, bodies that are black and ethnically Middle Eastern and Latinx. Why are the reactionaries so obsessed with AOC, with Rashida Tlaib, with Ilhan Omar? Because those women say stuff like “permanent war economy” in public? Because they eschew the rhetoric of moderation? Because they call themselves socialist and don’t seem in the least bit tentative about it? Maybe it’s because they refuse to wait. They want justice. Right now. They want an end to economic exploitation. Right now. They, and the constituencies they represent, have no time to waste on political nicety or policy based on half-measure. They insist that they will be heard. Right now.  

Jonathan Shaw

[kilyra]

Who Else Throws Rocks?

Benjamin Poindexter (Daredevil) One-Shot

A/N: I received an anon request where the reader is good with knives and hunts but crosses paths with Dex when he is out as Daredevil. 

As a follow-up to the events in “Who the F@&$ Throws Rocks?”, you find out the human trafficker you were after before is back on the streets. This time, you are out without Matt to do what needs to be done when someone else gets in your way.

Warning: Spoiler-free but there is an effbomb and other bad language.

Maybe you weren’t a good person after all. If being a good person meant not killing the piece of shit trafficker, you were definitely something else.

Because you were going to kill him.

As soon as you caught wind that the FBI let that scum go, you did everything you could to keep it from Matt. The last thing you wanted was him getting in your way, trying to convince you the obviously broken system still worked.

You kept an eye on the trafficker's activities and sent out a quick thank-you to the universe that Matt had to deal with a situation at work just as the scumbag was preparing to make a move.

Lying on the shipping containers, you had started your wait as soon as the sun went down. It was hours until there was movement on the docks. But it was worth the wait when you saw him approach the docks.

Except it wasn't what you expected – the shit stain was alone. Maybe coming early to scout for the drop? Not that it mattered, alone worked for you.

Looking over his shoulder, he moved cautiously between the bins like he was expecting to run into trouble. It was a fair fear since the last time he was here, Daredevil swooped down on his head, beating information out of him before the FBI nabbed him.

Little did he know, he had been lucky that day - you never got your chance to end him. But his luck had run out.

Springing to a crouch, you grabbed one of the blades strapped to your thigh and whipped it at his head with all your strength. You didn't even hesitate.

With a sharp clink, you watched your blade suddenly veer to the side, falling harmlessly in the gravel.

Jerking around, he followed the sound of the steel hitting the ground. Tilting his head, he looked more confused than alarmed.

Immediately, your heart started pounding and you threw another dagger before he could realize the danger and run.

Clink.

“It’s not safe! Get back to the truck,” a voice shouted.

Before you could react, something bounced by your feet and smacked you in the face. Gasping, you jumped back. Ignoring your stinging cheek, you looked down at the large pebble beside you on the container. You were just hit with a rock.

Poin-fricking-dexter. It had to be.

A new fury coursed through your body as you grabbed another blade. Smack.

Growling, you watched the scum race behind a container. With your arm up to shield you from another hit, you leapt to the next bin, keeping him in your view.

“That's enough,” a commanding voice boomed from the shipping container across from you.

As you looked to the voice, you stopped dead. The figure across from you wasn’t the agent…it was a vigilante in a red suit. It was Daredevil.

“Ma-” You clenched your jaw closed before you could get out his name. It couldn’t be Matt. This was his old armour, complete with the horned helmet and dark, glossy eyes. The jawline was all wrong, it was too square. And the smile…it was twisted.

Swallowing Matt’s name completely, you were jarred into action as you heard the trafficker running. Spinning on your heel, the fake Daredevil’s feet hit metal as he paced you from his container. When you jumped to the next bin, you were suddenly seeing stars as something struck your temple.

Thrown off, you missed your landing. Slamming roughly against the side of the container, you struggled to find a handhold.

The Daredevil was getting closer. Giving up, you dropped to the ground, ignoring the screaming of your head and ribs. Hitting the gravel, you started running.

Thump.

Something struck the back of your head and you fell forward, catching yourself on one knee. A small blade, not unlike your own, was wedged into the gravel.

“Stop! Don’t make me use the other end,” the Daredevil shouted.

Getting to your feet, you staggered to the side when, suddenly, a hand grabbed your arm.

Twisting out of his grasp, you kicked his chest, forcing him back. To your surprise, rather than attack, he grinned and held his hands up in submission. “Hey now, I’m not your enemy.”

The taste of copper filled your mouth and you spat out a gob of blood. Apparently, at some point, you split your lip open. "Yes, you fucking are. You let him get away!”

“Yeah, I did. Hey, I get why you want him dead. If it were any other situation, I’d be on your side with that, trust me.”

“Trust you? Who the hell are you?” Could it really be Poindexter? As much as you suspected, you didn’t want to say it and put some poor agent’s name into this mess if you were wrong.

A slow grin grew as he shrugged with his hands still spread. “Daredevil.”

“Wrong answer,” you muttered as you reached for one of the other blades on your thigh and dove towards the gravel.

Before you could let the blade go, another one of his flew at you and knocked it out of your grasp. Pulling your hand back, you expected to see blood, but it was fine. Throbbing, but fine.

“I can see this is hard on you. But you’re really making it difficult not to hurt you right now,” his voice was calm as though he were talking about the weather.

With long strides, he came over to you and extended his hand. You stared at it like it was poison.

Letting out a sigh, he dropped his arm. “Fine. But I can’t let you kill that asshole. Not yet. The boss needs him right now.”

Hopping onto your feet, you inched back. “Boss? And who would that be?”

His mouth formed into a tight line as he shook his head. “Uh, uh, uh. He really hates when people use his name. Boss is all you need to know. For now.”

The sound of rushing in your ears made it difficult to concentrate, but you narrowed your eyes as though it would help. “What do you mean for now? And why does he need that shit stain?”

“Collateral damage to keep a colleague happy for the time being. It’s not permanent, but he can’t be in jail and he can’t be dead.”

Was this the agent? Who else throws rocks? But...

Before you could say anything, the Daredevil continued. “The boss is impressed with you though. He asked me to make sure you were unharmed when you made your move. We could use talent like yours in the coming weeks.”

You glared as you spat again and rubbed the back of your hand across your mouth. “And why the hell would I do that?”

His smirk turned into a wide grin as he leaned forward like he was about to whisper a secret. “Because, if you’re with us, you get to take out that asshole when we’re done with him. And, the boss will give you all of this guy’s contact info so we can track down the victims.”

We? Swallowing heavily, your stomach was already churning. But you weren’t sure if it was from fear, disgust, or a small glimmer of hope.

Stepping back, the Daredevil nodded. “You need to give this some thought. It’s not a decision to take lightly, but it is the only way to get what you want. And, regrettably, I need to cut this short.”

A chill swept over you and you couldn’t help the shiver that ran up your spine. He clearly saw you weren't immediately dismissing the offer. And that bothered you.

Moving away without turning his back, the Daredevil stepped between the storage containers and seemed to vanish in just a few steps.

“I’ll be in touch.”

[ah17hh]

My 69 favorite copy-pastas... nice via /r/emojipasta

My 69 favorite copy-pastas... nice

Look 👀 for 4️⃣ the 💁‍♀️gummy 😽 bear 🐻 album ✒️in 🎈 stores 🏬 on 🚘 November 🏗 13th 🥨 with 🍠 lots 🌪 of 🐉 music 🎶 videos 📢 and ➕ extras 💰

martha😁was👉🏿an🙃average🐕dog. She went💨aërf🍒&🤕ærph😪&👻EEEER🤠when👧🏻she💅ate👄some🤖alphabet👽soup,🐶then🧦what🌸happened🌚was🌈bizarre🗿

bûtthõlēs🍤are😛nothing💃🏼to👎🏽be🤰laughed😡at👄they’re🐂 just😟 a👾part🎛of👺the🤖human🕴body?

why❓don't⌛we🔪just👽relax😩and🤬turn💎on🗿the💅radio📻 would👿you😼like💕EMMMM👹or🤪 FMMMM👺

🤷sometimes✨i🙁don't😢wanna😱be😼happy🧚don't✋hold😇it🤪against😈me🦀

this😌one✨is💅🏽for🤷🏾‍♀️the 💯boys🎾with💍the 🚴boomin🎙system 👩🏾‍top 👨🏿‍🍳down👇ac💨with🥦the👐🏽coolin☃️ssystem

🙂me👸pans🤫joo🧢juu🙈joo🐜juu✨me😡pans😽aska👄custa🌝nyamnyamnyam😻mi🔥𝓟𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓝𝓢🤲joo💀juu🗣joo👣juu😾joo🤢juu😱𝗷𝗼𝗼✖️juu🍂

I👁like❤️rusty💨spoons🥄and🙂i👁like❤️to😌touch👉🏻them👩‍👦the😊feeling😫of🤔rust👌🏼

OMG 😲 Bêstįę 👯 are 😫 you 🤔 possesed 👻 what 😳 i 🗣 am 👂 just 😾 trying 😯 to 😲 squeeze 😛 some 🤩 tomato 🍅 juice🥤

Röłl👶🏻up🤭tö thē😤pærtÿ🎉wïth🏮my😼𝕔𝕣𝔸ℤ𝕐🤪pink💗w𝒾g🐷cañt🙈get thru the😿dœr🚪cus😾my ßøø𝔱ÿ𝔰😳töø big😳 One���percent is h̶u̸m̶a̸n̵👤, ninety-nine is ✨𝓅𝓁𝒶𝓈𝓉𝒾𝒸✨ Just a sec, 🅸 😀 gotta fix🔧 my 𝖑𝖎𝖕𝖘?

I😔shane😳yæw😌go🏃on💅record🐈saying😠I🍞am👀not😡a😤fucking💢phëaðœophìslê👧👦

I👤climbed🧗‍♂️ out 😔 of 🎇 my ✋ head 💀 and 💞 watched 👀 myself 👩 implode 💣 a 🌼 thought 🧟‍♀️ without 🤦‍♂️ a 💃body 🙃 ought 👯 to🤫 be 🙏 a 🔫 shot 😞to 🦄 take 🌺 a 💃 load 🥑 off 🎱 my 🏵 brain 🧠 is 👑 poisoned 🤪 and 👖 I'm 😵searching 🧐 for💡 the 🕯 antidote 💅 but 🤡 every 🎤 time ⌚ I 🗑 find 💰it 💐my 🐌 defense 🌎 is 🌹screaming🎧 oh no 🎼 you ❌ dont 🙅 Woah... 🌟

🎺 It seems ⏰ today 📆 🎺 that all you 🙎 see 👀 👁 👁 🎺 is violence 🎆 🔫 in movies 🎥 and 😏 sex 😍 🍆 💦 😩 on tv 📺 🎺 But 🚬 where 📡 🌎 are those 🕺 good 😊 😄 old 👴 fashioned 👕 👚 👗 values 💸 💵 💴 💶 💎 💰 on which we 👨‍👨‍👧 used to rely? 👯 👯

welcome 🤑 to the ✊ bread 🍞 bank 🏦 we sell 💶 bread 🥖 we 👥 sell 💵 loafs 🥖 we 🌞 got bread 🍞 on deck 👁 bread 🥖 on 👣 the floor 👽 TOASTED 𝙍𝙊𝘼𝙎𝙏𝙀𝘿🔥bro 😡 stfu 🤬 i 🗣 just need ☑️ a baguette 🥖 and 💪 brioche 🍞 we 👩‍🍳 dont ❌ have either ✌️ of 👁 those 😾 you 🧒 can 💡 get the 🕯 gluten 💴 free white 👨🏻‍ bread 🍞 or 🗣 the potato 🥔 bread 🥖 what ⁉️ the fuck 👺 is 😡 gluten 💢 take ✋ that 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩 👅 out 🙅

𝕎𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕪🕰𝕨𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕪😼𝕨𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕪😡𝕨𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕪😾it’s😳time⏰for✨ⓢⓒⓞⓞ🏃come👉on😩𝔀𝓪𝓴𝓮 😢𝓾𝓹😤it’s✂️time⏰ for🗣ⓢⓒⓞⓞ🏫common😰man👦are❓you 🤡ready💅for 👁ˢᶜᵒᵒ?🤠

Mukuro 😤 Ikusaba 👻 the✋ sixteenth 1⃣6⃣ student🎒lying 🤥🤫 hidden ❌ somewhere 🔃 in 🙊 this 😲 school 📝 the ✋ one 💯 they ✨ call 📞 the 🍋ultimate😶 despair 😭😰 watch 👀 out ⭕ for🗿her 👩

Drag💓drag🧚‍♂️de💕body👤bag 💼 dump🐵it🌱in🌺de⚡️river⚓️but🤫you👍keep💔the🗿liver🚧

I😿can💅hear👂Daniel 👨🏻walking🚶down⬇️the 😾street🛣tap👣tap👣tap👣tap👣listen👂to✌️his👨🏻feet 💅

✨daddy🤠daddyy👺hurryyy😵i👁saw 📽something😢scerryyy👻daddy👨i 👁think🧠there’s🧜a🔆spider🕷on🌈my🥖floor😢

Where😏oh👀where🐸is🤩our😉little👺Nina✨where😔has👁our👩🏻‍Nina ❤️gone❔Böœ👻🙈🙈

ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞 ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞 ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞 ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞ɟɐol🍞

shake😳the🛑blanket🛏shake⚠️the🦖blanket💤turn🔄the☁blanket😴oooover👉👇👈👆

if i 👁 die😩☠️don’t🙅‍♀️❌cry😢😭just🙁look👀up⬆️to↗️the sky🌅and say💬GÓØD👍BŸĘ👋FÃŁĮŚHĀ😎

attention‼️attention💅🏼one1️⃣two2️⃣three3️⃣are🗿you✨ready☂️ŸÏPPËÊ😀äfjekos👁is⛅️the🔒name✏️of🌈my☝️School⛪️

spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿 spinch 🌿

If🤔 i👱‍♂️Saw👀 that😟 damn😡 thing😫 in☝️ My😀 living 🛋 room🏚 I’d 👱‍♂️ Stomp 👣 on⬇️ It😩 until⏰ it😅 was😉 a🅰️ Small🦐 brown💅 stain🤣🤣🤣

are😻you👉👤are😡you👉👤coming🏃to🧚the🤙tré🌲they😳strung🍑up⬆️A🔮man👨they✨say🗣who👄murdered🔪three👨‍👩‍👦

How it chews to gum five feels✨ Gum Gum😍😍 Sense your stimulate😳😩

✨kôœræpįkå✨

💕😜bungee🍬gum🤩🤪has✨the💯📏properties🏫🍭of😻both✌rubber⭐and💧gum🍬

𝔁𝓾𝓮✨𝓱𝓾𝓪🧚‍♀️𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸😻𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸🗿𝓫𝓮𝓲👺𝓯𝓮𝓷𝓰🤩𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸😼𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸👣

have🤔you😒ever😔been😡snaked🐍by🙃a🤨 friend👧then😪just😾for 🤦the🗣️clout👀they'll😈do😣it😕again🙄

i😱cUt😳mY🤡fInGeR💗oN🙄mY😞mOmS😅rInG👿i 💅hOpE💔i✌🏼cAn😘sTilL😇dAnCe😣

it’s😌jesus✝️say🗣hello👋jesus✝️B̷̻̄Ö̸̤͙͚̰̈́A̷̹͊̓Ḩ̸̥̼̥̅̈H̶̗̯͇ yeah😏, city🏬! Sity won🏅, shity too🌚, city treee🌲, city for🐚, city fye🔥, I never stanky bye🙋🏿‍♀️! Yeah🚼 heyyyyy! 😫

Farting 💨 is🚶 so💇‍♂️ funny🤣releasing 😝 flatulence 😤 is🌙 definitely 🤪 humourous 🙉 it ⛲ releases🧐 endorphins💅in🤤 my😃 brain🧠this🚱 making🤭me✌️laugh🤣

THIS 😌 SCHOOL 🙉 IS 👀 MINE 😡 I 🗿 AM ✨ THE 😍 KING 👑 KOKICHI 🐭 OUMA↪️

I😏will👨🏽‍✈️sacrifice✈️my⚔️own🥄life⚰️for😈Pakistan🇵🇰🍇🔫

chicken 🐓 wing chicken 🐓🐣 wing hotdog and baloney chicken 🐓 and 😈 macaroni chillin ❄❄ with 💘 my 😋😎 homies 🏾

🙅‍♀️ Frick meat lovers 🙅‍♀️😡🚫 All my homies 👯‍♂️ eat the grass 😩 from the central plains 😝😏🌿🌱

I 👈 put 😏 my 🌠😤 😫🧀 right 🏿🙀 👌 foot 👞👣 in 🚪😋 and 😲 🚨🤷 take my right ✔ ✅ foot 👞 out 🅱🤔 🏎 then 😝👱 😥 put 🔥🏻 my 👧 👖🗼 left 🍒 🍒👈 foot in and 🏿✊ shake 🤝🤝 🤝 it 💯😩 all 🥜💯 💯 about. 💦💦

Imagine 💭💡 your 👏 card 💳 declines ⛔👎 at 😂 the 👏💦 tattoo 💉👨‍🎨 shop 🏬 and ➕🍽 they bust 💣🕐 out 💯 the 👏 sand ⛱ paper.. 😳🤦

Rawr🐲🐊 x3😋 nuzzles how are you😉🙂 pounces on you😛 you’re😃 so😄 warm🤒😈 o3o😏 notices😯 you have a bulge🍆 o:😯😮 someone’s happy😃 ;)😉😜 nuzzles your necky wecky😈😗~ murr~ hehehe😊 rubbies👋🤚 your bulgy🍆 wolgy you’re😌 so big😯😮 :oooo rubbies👋🤚 more on your bulgy🍆 wolgy it🚫 doesn’t stop🛑 growing ·///· 😐kisses😚😘 yo

I 👤didn't 🐈 fuck 🤬 my 👽 cat. I 🌸 didn't 👁 cum 💦 on 😳 my 💋cat. 😻 I 🧒 didn't 💋 put 👸 my 🌈 dick 🍆 anywhere 🧚‍♀️ near 🍺 my cat. 😽 I've ❌ never 😡 done 👉👌 anything 🏀 weird 🧘‍♂️ to 🎨 my 🏅cat. 😸

🌽come🌽today🌽and🌽get🌽some🌽Ć̷̭͚̟̱́ö̷̺̻̙͔́̄͑̚͜r̵̢̢̲̖͍̊̏̎̄n̵̡̧̹̥͖͘🌽or🌽we🌽will🌽sacrifice🌽your🌽n̴̡̪̈́̆͝͝ę̵̠̝̣̒́w̷̧͔̓͝ḅ̴̳̍̀͑o̷̯͈͔̽ŕ̷̡͇̦̯́n̷̝̦

my✨vâğîñå💕is🦋named🗿řōńàłð💋and🐬theres😹nothing😼you👋🏽can👁️do👂about🧚‍♀️it

bəąňß✨bəąňß🌞bəąňß⭕️bəąňß👣bəąňß😳bəąňß💕bəąňß❌bəąňß⛽️bəąňß☁bəąňß🥌bəąňß🖲

Ever 😆see 😱 me 👊 fighting 👍🏾in 💖a 🍯Forest🌲with✌🏾a 😠 grizzly🐻Bear? 👄HELP 💔THE😔BEAR💯

ӨЦΛΛΛΛ 🗿 Λ Λ Λ Λ Λ 🗿 ӨЦΛΛΛΛ 🗿 Λ Λ Λ Λ Λ 🗿 ӨЦΛΛΛΛ 🗿 Λ Λ Λ Λ Λ 🗿

oh 😮 geez 🙊 what 😟 a 🧚‍♀️steep 📉 hill 🏞 i👀 sure 🤖 hope 🙏🏼 i 🌱 dont 🚫 drop 💨 my 🤭 beans 🥫 woah 🤯 aragahha 😖 my ☠️ beannns 😫

I 😌 was 🤡 a 🤨 girl 👩 in✨a 🏠 village😑doin🤓alright 😳 then 😵 i 👹 became 👀 a 🧚‍♀️ princess 👑 overnight 😴

the 👄 name 🙈 game 👩 JUDY👾 judy🌶 judy💞bo 🎶 budy 🎵 boanna 💅 fanna💋fo🎂fudy🌈fe🌂

👽⟟⏁⋉⟒👽⟒⋔⍜⊑👽⍀⏃⏁⏃⌿⏃⍀⏃⟒👽⎅⍜⍀⟟⋔⟒👽⏃⋔⎍⋔⎍👽⏃⋔⟒⋏⍜👽⍀⏃⏁⟒⎅⏃⟒👽⌰⏃⏁⟒⟒⎅⏃⟒👽⋔⍜⟒👽⎅⍜⍀⟟⋔⟒👽⏃⋔⟒⋏⍜👽⍜⌰⋔⟒⋏⏃👽⎅⟒⌿⏃⎅⏃⍀⟟👽⏃⋔⟒⋏⍜👽 ⎅⟟⋔⟒⎅⏃⟒👽

säçrįfïćë👹säćrîfįčé👹sáćrįfîčé👹sàčrìfîçë👹 sâćrìfïčê👹sâçrīfïçë👹sâćrìfįčê👹säçrîfįćę👹

yæw 💕 yãêw ✨ yàáw 😻 yaw 👁 yãēw 🗿 yåėw 😬 yąęw 💅 yæ 🚿

this😚is😿the👄best🤪burrito🌯i’ve🤩ever♦️eaten💞yum🔓yum🗿yum😢

I 😳 don’t 💕 see😌 how 👁 you 👽 can🤦‍♂️hate 😜 from🧚‍♀️my ✨ side👄 of 🖤 the😈 club😹 you 🗣 cant👅 even 💅 get 🕴🏽in 💞 💁‍♀️

ÿoú tákë thę mœn🌚ÿøū👁takê thė šüń🌝yōu täkè 𝖾⋁𝖾𝖗𐒦tꜧĺ𝛈𝚐✨thät sèе𝙢Ꚃ lïkè 𝗳𝑢በ😹ÝƯ ştΐṛ〰️ï𝙩 𝐚ʟʟ ƯᎮ án ｗꜧ𝚎ņ🕑ÝỨṛ𝚎 ᵭņ𝚎 ṛᥲԂԂᥲ😝ṛṛᥲԂԂa

Hi, 🤚 you're on a rock 🗿 floating in space. 🌖 pretty cool, 😎👍 huh? 😕❔ some of it's water. 🤽‍♂️ fuck it. 🚮 actually, most of it's water 💦 ⛲ i 😀 can't even 🌒 get 🉐 from here 📍 to there without buying 🛍 a boat. ⛴⚓ it's sad. 🙍 i'm sad. 🙁😭 I miss you.

its 😔 gluten 💡 free 😰 ion 🤬 care 🤖 if its 👎 free 🎁 swear 👁 on ur 👱‍♀️fucking 𝙔𝙀𝙀𝙕𝙔𝙎 ⛸⛸ if you 👤 wanna fight 🤬 we🙎 gon 👄fight 👎🏽you 🦁 tryna 😠 be 🐝 on worldstar ⭐️ what ⁉️ you ✊ gonna 📹 record 🤳 it 🙊 yea 😼 i got🚶‍♂️ my 🙇 dollar 💵 store 🏬 camera 📸 *on* ✅ 𝙒𝙃𝘼𝙏𝙎 👀 𝙏𝙃𝙀 👁𝙁𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙄𝙉 😼 𝙎𝙄𝙏𝙐𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉𝙉𝙉 ✨✨the 😼 fuck 🤬 do 👏 you 👿 want ⁉️im ⭐️ the 🚶‍♂️ motherfuckin💎M̸̦͔̜̖̳̼͚̱͚̮͍̱̘̰̲͂̃̚A̴̧̢̮̫̼̟̳̭̩̪̟̾̋́̌̀̔͐͒̔̾͗̚͜͝͝N̴̫̭͇̹̍́̾̿͒̈́́̄̏A̵͚͓̥̿̍͊͛̎̂̀̀͠͠Ǵ̴̖̭̭̺̣̭̺̈́̅̏́̓͜ͅÈ̷́͠R̶̖͈͈͐͜❗️❗️at the 💢 bread 🍞 store ❓𝘽𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿 tell 🤖 him 🗣 to take 👌 the 😾 motherfuckin 🤡 gluten 😷 𝙤𝙪𝙩 🙅‍♀️ 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝘽𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿 🥖 imma 🧚 need 🤚 you 👶 to shut 🔇 that 💪 bullshit 👄 up 👆 chief 💂‍♀️ we 👬 cant 🙅 take 👌 shit out 👾 the 😷 bread 🍞 why❓ put 👿 it in 🤲 in 👁 the 👅 first 1️⃣ place🚪 i 🧑‍🎨 know 🧠 yall 💢 𝙨𝙢𝙤𝙠𝙞𝙣 🚬 that 👉 𝙥𝙖𝙘𝙠 💅

A🌑 duck walked🚤👳🏽 up↪️ to📵 a🍉 lemonade stand And💘 he📮 said🏰👸🏼 to📰 the man,👏🏻 running🐖 the👋🏿💿💕 stand "Hey! (Bum🚵🏼 bum🎓 bum)💦 Got😁 any🕗🆖 grapes?" The👦🏻✔️👲🏼 man⏫ said "No😪 we📂 just🚥 sell🐣 lemonade. But👨‍👨‍👦‍👦📀 it's cold And👧🏾🔣 it's👌 fresh And🔳🌕🚿👆🏾 it's all home-made.🙆🏽🛀 Can🍍 I get🚥📅 you Glass?" The duck said, "I'll👣 pass". Then👃🏻 he waddled👵🏻 away. (Waddle🌂 waddle) 'Til😢👒 the💂🏻😐🙅🏿 very📍 next♊️ day. (Bum bum bum👳🏾😇 bum👮🏿🌜 ba-bada-dum)🕐👮🏽

Shawty’s💖✨like🌟😌a⌛️👑✨melody💞🎀🌟 🪐That💫 I 🌏can't 🌍keep 🌵out 🌟Got 🌟me ✨singin' ⚡️like⚡️ 🔥Na na na na 🔥everyday🌪 It's🌈 like ☀️my 💫iPod ❄️stuck 🏚on 🤠replay, 🤤replay-ay-ay-ay🦁 Shawty's🤤 like 🤖a 🤑melody 😻in 😽my 🤲head🧠 That 🤚I 💢can't 💋keep 💄out👀 Got 🤙me 🙏singin' 🙏like👅 Na na na na 💄everyday💋 ⌚It's 💎like 💪my 📱iPod 👋stuck 👋on 🖖replay, 🤚Deluga 🤘Heights (replay) 🤟Hey ✊🏾over 👏and 🤝over 👐o_O ||if 👁I'm 🆓tipsy🔰 or ♻️sober💯 I 💖got ❤️lil' 💔momma💗 on 💝rewind❣️like the ❤️deck 👥in 😻my 😺Rover 👾On 💀my 🤑mind, 🗿shawty☁ fine, 😯meditate 🤒her 👩 like 🧘‍♀️ 🤒So 🤕down 🤐on 😵the 🙄line 😤make 👉me 👈want 👍🏾a 😈cold 👹soda👺 👻Hey 👽baby 🤡be 🤤my 😈radio 📻 😶Hear👂you ✨ everywhere 😏I 😉go 🙂Music 👩‍❤️‍👨in 😇my 😚head🤪 🤨Know 😋your 🤪melody 🤩in 😔every 😭note😏 Girl 😍you 😍incredible😚 🤪Make 🤩yourself 🗿available😏Na na na na🤪 😘That 🎶tune 😚so 😊exceptional☺️ 😍Smexy 😍like 💗a 😚piano 👸give 💥you ♉️my 👩🏿‍✋ hands 👀if ✊🏾you're 😈ready💀 ✨We 😜can 😀make 🙃plans😚 get🗿 body 😋stand😍 if ✊🏾you let ☄️me😩 Girl I'm a…😳

Shawty 👄 had 👉 them 💯 apple 🍎 bottom 🔽 jeans 👖 boots 👢 with *️⃣ the 🔟 fur 🐈 (with *️⃣ the 🔟 fur 🐈) got 🐲 the 🔟 whole 🙄 club 💒 looking 👀 at ☮️ her 👠 she 💃 hit 👊 the 🔟 floor 🔽 (she 💃 hit 👊 the 🔟 floor 🔽) next 👉 thing ♈️ you 👤 shawty 👄 got 👣 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽low 🔽 them 🦮 baggy 👜 sweatpants 🩳 and ➕ the 👁‍🗨 Reeboks 👟 with ➕ the 🎶 straps ↩️ (with ➕ the 🎶 straps ↩️) she 💃 turned 😛around ↩️ and 👊 gave ✌️ that 👁 big 🥵booty 🍑 a 🌶 smack ✨ she 💃 hit 👊 the 🔟 floor 🔽 (she 💃 hit 👊 the 🔟 floor 🔽) next 👉 thing ♈️ you 👤 shawty 👄 got 👣 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽 low 🔽low 🔽

Today 📅 my 12 😣🕛 year 📅 old 👴 son 👦 and I 👥 walked 🚶 into harvard 👩‍🎓 to sign 🚧 him 👴 up ☝ for college 🚌📚. The dean rudly asked ❓ what a 12 😣🕛 year 🗓 old 👴 was doing signing 🖊 up ⬆ for such a prestigious 🎖🏆 institute like 👍 harvard 👩‍🎓. My son 🙎‍♂️ took 👫 of to reveal 💡 his 🤦 Rick 👨🏻‍🔬 and Morty 😡😵 shirt 👕 and proclaimed "Well 🖕🖕🏻🖕🏿 you 👆 see 👁 sir 🤔 I 👁 watch 👁 Rick 🥒 and Morty 😡😵". A look 👀 of confusion ❓🤔 came 💦 over 😳🙊💦 the deans face 😀 and I 👁 have never 🚫 been so proud 😤. The dean quickly ⚡ made 👉 sure 💯 to appologize to my son 👦 but 👆🍑👀 it was too late 💤, the police 👮‍♂️ rushed 🏃‍♂️ in and dragged him 👨🏾 out. My son 👦 passed 📆 all 🙌 his 🤦 classes 📒 with 4.0s and graduated 🔝 top 🔝 of his 🤦 class 📒 in the first 🥇 day 📅 of college 🏘👱📚.

Number🔢 1️⃣5️⃣: 🅱️urger🍔 Ki🆖🤴 foot👣 lettuce🥗. The last🥉 thing you'd👉 want in👇 your👉 🅱️urger🍔 Ki🆖🤴 🅱️urger🍔 is someone's👤 foot👣 fu🆖us🤢🤮. 🅱️ut🍑 as🍑 it turns↩️ out, that might 🅱️e what you👉 get. A 4️⃣channer🍀👤 uploaded a 🅿️hoto📷📸 🅰️nonymously👤❓ to the site showcasing his🚹 feet👣 in👇 a 🅿️lastic bin🚮 of lettuce🥗🤮. With the statement🗣: "This👇 is the lettuce🥗 you👉 eat 🅰️t 🅱️urger🍔 Ki🆖🤴."😱😱 🅰️dmittedly, he🚹 had shoes👣👟 on. But🍑 that's even🤭 worse😱😷. The 🅿️ost went live at 1️⃣1️⃣:3️⃣8️⃣ PM on July🎆🎇 1️⃣6️⃣, and a mere 2️⃣0️⃣ minutes🕤 later, the 🅱️urger🍔 Ki🆖🤴 in👇 question❓ was 🅰️lerted👂 to the rogue👤 employee👤. At least, I👁 hope he's🚹 rogue. How😨 did it🤔 happen🧐🧐? Well, the 🅱️K🍔🤴 employee👤 hadn't🚫 removed❌ the Exif data🤓 from the uploaded photo📷📸, which suggested👀 the culprit👤 was somewhere in👇 Mayfield Heights, Ohio🇺🇸. This was 🅰️t 1️⃣1️⃣:4️⃣7️⃣. 3️⃣ minutes later🕘 at 1️⃣1️⃣:5️⃣0️⃣, the 🅱️urger🍔 Ki🆖🤴 branch🌳 address📭🏠 was 🅿️osted with wishes🙏 of happy😄😁 unemployment😨😰. 5️⃣ minutes later🕚, the news stati🔛 was contacted🗣📞 🅱️y 🅰️nother 4️⃣channer👤🍀. And 3️⃣ minutes🕒 later, at 1️⃣1️⃣:5️⃣8️⃣, a link was 🅿️osted: 🅱️K's🍔🤴 "Tell us 🆎out us" online🌐 forum. The foot👣 🅿️hoto📷📸, otherwise known as🍑 exhibit 🅰️, was 🅰️ttached. Cleveland🇺🇸 Scene Maga🇺🇸zine contacted🗣☎️ the 🅱️K🍔🤴 in👇 question🤔❓ the next⏩ day🌞. When questioned🤔❓🧐, the breakfast🌞🍽 shift manager🧔 said "Oh, I👁 know😱 who🤔 that is. He's🚹 getti🆖 fired💥🔫🔥." Mystery🧐 solved👍, 🅱️y 4️⃣chan🍀👥. Now we👥 can🛢 all go 🔙 to2️⃣ eati🆖🍽 our fast🏃‍♂️💨 food🍔🍟🥤 in👇 🅿️eace☮️😀😃😁👍.

im 😂 not gonna 😻 show 👈📺 you 🤙 🤖 the 🍁🌷 facts 📚 📚 and 👏👏 💰 the 👑⚕ 🏽 evidence 📰 🔨📃 beacuse im 😂 😂😂 29 fucking ♀😡 🎮 years 📅📅 old 🍆 and 💻 🌬 in 👄📥 not ⚠🤚 gonna ♂ sit down ⬇👇 and ➕👏 💰 make 💰 🖕 a video ♀📹 📹📸 with 👏👈 👩😫 screenshots exposing 👐 👐 my bullies 😎🖕 🖕😎 these 🈴 💁🚟 are 🏾 👏🏼 bullies these 🤤 are 🏿 highschool fucking 🙏 bullies and 🍀 👏📡 they 👥 👈 wanna 🙇❤ come at 😍👸 👅 me ❓ 📩✌ and 👏🍞 🅱🏼 say 😅🚃 ✋ your ⬅ 👏👏 29 years 📅 old how 👏⚖ your 🍆🏻 👉 acting fuck 😤👦 🍆 you 👆 your 🍆 🙄 in 👏 〽 your 😩 fucking 👉🍆 30s almost 😲 👀😲 all 💯 of 💦📆 😤 you 😤 😘👆 attacking ♂ ♂ me 🏿😭 👈 and 👏😵 😭 im 👌 👌 not ♂🚫 saying 🗣😡 a fucking 👉 work 🏢 🔨 to 🙅 💦 anybody and 👏 👏🙏 your 💯👉 going to 💦 👆💰 say 🤐 🏿 im 👀 😂🏻 panting myself 🔪 👩🐱 as the 🔝👏 🕘⚕ victim and 👏💦 im 👌😂 trying 😔 to ask 🤗😩 😥🙋 for 💰👨 attention i 😂👀 have 👏🏋 😤💰 not 🚫🙅 said 💖 😑 a 👌😂 fucking 😛💞 👈 word 🔚🔚 ✊ publicly until 💦 🅱 another 👯👣 video 🎥 📹 was ☠ 💯👏 made 💰😶 👆 about me 😩👤 the 👏 🅱👏 week 📅 ❗😱 i was 👏👏 👏 putting 💯💯 out 💰▶ 🏼🏍 my 👨 fucking EP you 👉💬 😭👧 wanna ❤ 😻🏿 ghost 👻👻 👻👻 the 🕸 internet 🌐💻 for 😎🍆 five 🕔 fucking ➡ months 🏽 and ✝ im 😂 promoting ↗ my 😩 😘 project ↗ like 😏❤ 😄 crazy and 😇👏 ➕👏 your 👏 ☝ gonna 👏🅱 🔥 put 😏 my 👨 name 📛 in your fucking 🎮😫 🖕🍑 thumbnail bringing up ❤✋ a 🅰💰 🏠 fucking 🚟 ➡ dramatic lie 💬❎ ❎😱 a hate 💯💯 campaign that 🦃 🔪 you fucking started 😁 🙄 5 👪 🛐 months ✌📆 🙄🏽 you 🏻👏 dont 😡🙅 👀 post 🏾📌 🗒🙄 but 🤤 💏🍑 im 👌🅱 posting a 💰☝ 💰 project ⬆⬅ ⬅⬆ and 👏👏 you 🤖🅱 have 💪👏 👏 to say 🗣🗣

You 👆 useless 👩🏻 piece 🗿 of shit 💩. You 👆 absolute 💯 waste 😵 of space ⭐⚫ and air 🌬. You 👆 uneducated, ignorant 👌, idiotic 😜 dumb 🤪 swine 🐽😂, you’re an absolute 💯 embarrassment 😣 to humanity 🕴 and all 🤠 life 💓 as a whole 🕳. The magnitude 🔍 of your 👉 failure 👎🏽 just now is so indescribably massive 🐘 that one ☝🏻 hundred 💯 years 📅 into the future 👨🏼 your 👉🏿 name 🏷 will be used ♦ as moniker of evil 😈 for heretics. Even 🌃 if all 💪 of humanity 🕴 put 👏 together 👮‍♂️🐕 their collective intelligence 🧐 there is no 🚫 conceivable way ↕ they could have thought 🤔 up ☝ a way ↕ to fuck 🤬 up ⬆ on the unimaginable scale ⚖ you 👉🏻 just did

How 🤷🏻 ba-a-a-ad 🤡👺👹 can 🛢 I 👉👁👄👁 be? 🐝🐝I'm 💁🏻‍♂️just🤷🏻doin'🙆🏻‍♂️what comes ☀️🌈✨𝓃𝒶𝓉𝓊𝓇𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎✨🌈☀️How💁🏻‍♂️ba-a-a-ad🤡👺👹can🛢I 👉🤡be? 🐝🐝 I'm💁🏻‍♂️just 🤷🏻following👉➡️➡️my ➡️➡️🎀 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝓎 🎀 How🤷🏻ba-a-a-ad🤡👺👹can🛢I👉🏿be? 🐝🐝 I'm💁🏻‍♂️just🤷🏻doin'🙆🏻‍♂️what comes ☀️🌈✨ 𝓃𝒶𝓉𝓊𝓇𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 ✨🌈☀️ How🤷🏻ba-a-a-ad 🤡👺👹 can🛢I👉👹be? 🐝🐝How 🤷🏻💁🏻‍♂️bad🥵👺💁🏻‍♂️can🛢💁🏻‍♂️I 💁🏻‍♂️possibly🙋🏻‍♂️be?💁🏻‍♂️🐝🐝Well, 🤷🏻 there's a principal 💡⏳of nature 🙈🙉🙊(principal of nature) 🗣👥🙋🏻‍♂️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻That almost👌every 🐶🐱🐭🐮 creature🐹🐰🐯🐸 knows💡💡Called survival🏋🏻🤸🏻‍♀️of the fittest💪🏻💪🏾 (survival of the fittest) 🗣👥🙋🏻‍♂️ 🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻And check✅it ➡️this is how it goes🚶🏻🚶🏻‍♀️The animal🙈🙉🙊that eats🍌gotta🤼 scratch🏋️and 👄bite 🦁and💪punch🤼And the🐷🐨animal🐥🦇 that doesn't, well the 🐼🦁animal🦉🐙that doesn't, winds🔁 up🆙⬆️Someone else's 💁🏻‍♂️💁🏽‍♂️💁🏿‍♂️🙋🏻🙋🏼🙋🏽🙋🏾‍♀️lu-🍔lu-🥙lu-🌮lu-🥪lunch!🍱(Munch Munch Munch Munch Munch👁👅👁) 🗣👥🙋🏻‍♂️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻I'm just saying'...💁🏻‍♂️

𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓼🌙a 🙄𝘣𝘶𝘻𝘻🐝𝘣𝘶𝘻𝘻🤣 ｂｕｚｚ✨ïṅ 😨m̸e̸a̸d̸o̸w̸🤷🏻‍♀️t⃨h⃨e⃨r⃨e⃨s⃨👾ᗩ😈ꌃꀎꁴꁴ💩 🐝乃ㄩ乙乙😂【b】【u】【z】【z】💕 b̆̈ŭ̈z̆̈z̆̈🌹the 😅 ፕዪቿ̂🌳Շɦεɼεร😣a 🤯b̶u̶z̶z̶👽 b̠u̠z̠z̠🤖 ḃu̇żż👻ᏰᏬፚፚ 💀in 👃the😷 ᶠˡᵒʷᵉʳˢ🌺ꅐꏂꋪꏂ😹so 🤟乃ㄩ丂ㄚ🗣 b̑̈ȇ̈ȋ̈n̑̈g̑̈👓᥇ꪊɀɀꪊꪗ🥽b͛e͛e͛z͛ 👁ẇєяє👄ɓմςςψ 🗿ℬUℤℤℐℕᎶ🌿with🐚♭ṳℨℨ♭ḙḙ✺🥓bͦͯuͦͯzͦͯzͦͯbͦͯeͦͯeͦͯ🌍is 🌟b˟˚u˟˚s˟˚y˟˚🎰with 🧠m͙e͙🐽Ᏺᾀᑬᑬẙ😀 as 😉a સଇกกϓ Ъ૯૯🍯 can 🙇‍♂️be🧚🏻 w̤̮e̤̮r̤̮e̤̮🦷βUSΨ😴b̾u̾z̾z̾i̾n̾g̾🤐with 🤡b⃠u⃠z⃠z⃠b⃠e⃠e⃠👺 t̺͆h̺͆e̺͆🎃ṧ✺ℵ🌞!✘a͎l͎w͎a͎y͎s͎🦄s͜͡h͜͡i͜͡n͜͡i͜͡n͜͡g͜͡👨‍🦳🄸🅃🅂🧒great😖t̶o̶😪b͟e͟👐🏻ḁͦl̥ͦi̥ͦv̥ͦe̥ͦ🔪 ሠዘቿክ💄you’re ♭ʊʐʐ😻βUZZ😮ℬʉᏃᏃ🐣乃∪乙乙🥶Ъμｚｚ😸b˟˚u˟˚z˟˚z˟˚i˟˚n˟˚g˟˚🤬ᏜᎥʈ⋆🤧ЪμｚｚЪ૯૯🤔i͓̽n͓̽🚀Ꮖℋℰ👱🏻‍♀️ʰⁱᵛᵉ🍟

I 👁 don't 🚫👎 know 💭 what 😂 I 💰💰 was 👏👏 thinking 🤔 Leaving 🚪🍃 my 👨🌭 child 👾 behind 👟☢ Now 🎅🙅 I suffer 😱😤 the 👏🔝 curse ⛓ Knowing 💭🤔 now 😭🤗 I 🤠 am blind With all 👩😩 this anger, 😡 guilt and sadness Coming 🏻🏃 to 😷 haunt me 👸 forever 🕜 I can't 🔫 wait for the cliff 💦 at 🗽 the end of 💦 the 🦉👑 river Is 😤 this revenge I am seeking Or seeking someone 👥👤 to 💦 avenge me Stuck in 〽👏 my 🏻 own 😎🏻 paradox I 👀👨 wanna ♀ set ➿ myself free Maybe I 😏 should 👑 chase and 👏 find 🔦 Before they'll 👧 try 😐 to 💦 stop ⛔ it 💯 It won't be 🍆💚 long before 🐝🔙 I'll 😩 become 🏽 a 🆒 puppet It's been 🥜 so long 🔨 Since I last have seen 👁 my ♂ son 👦 Lost to 💰 this monster 👹 To 🍅 the 🍁 man ♂ behind the slaughter Since you've been 📹 gone 😠😡 I've been 🚟👦 singing this 🏿 stupid song 🎵🎤 So I 👨 could 👌✊ ponder The 😫 sanity of 💦🔴 your mother I 👟👏 wish 😢😢 I 💯😎 lived in 👉 the 👏😈 present With the 😫👏 gift 🍆 of 🚋🤔 my 💋🤔 past mistakes But the 🌜 future 💞 keeps luring in ❤🍆 like 👏💖 a pack of snakes Your 🙄👉 sweet 🍬 little 🐭 eyes 👀👀 Your 👨👉 little 🏽 smile, ⭐😁 is 💦 all I 🏻 remember Those fuzzy memories mess with 👌 my temper Justification is killing me But killing 🔪 isn't justified What happened 🤔🤔 to 💯♀ my 💝 son, ♂👦 I'm terrified 😲😲 It 😳 lingers in 👇 my 💩💪 mind And 🌰👏 the 🏻 thought 🤔🤔 keeps on getting 💦 bigger I'm 😻 sorry my 👬 sweet 🍬 baby 👦👶 I 👀♂ wish I've 🏾😭 been there 💦✔ It's 😠🍝 been ✊😎 so 😮 long 🕑📏 Since 💦💦 I 🤔🙋 last 🕞❗ have 😑 seen 👀👁 my 😤 son 🏻👦 Lost 🍆 to 💦 this monster 👹👹 To 😉 the 👏👏 man 💂 behind ↩ the 😂🚗 slaughter Since 💦💦 you've been 🤤😎 gone 😭 I've 😠 been 👑 singing 👩 this 💋 stupid song 🎵🎵 So I could 🚫 ponder The sanity of your mother

What the 🅾🔪 fuck 👌🍑 did 🌼 you 👏👉 just 👏 fucking 🏻⚔ say 🗣🎙 about ✨💦 me, you 👧💦 little 🍑😫 bitch? 🐩☘ I'll 💵🤢 have you know 👏 I 💬♀ graduated 💯 top 👚🔼 of my 🖥👌 class 🥇😛 in 🏢 the 👏 Navy Seals, and I've been 🥜💫 involved in ⏳ numerous secret raids 👈👤 on Al-Quaeda, 🍒🅾 and 💰🌈 I 💰👁 have 🎁 over 😈♂ 300 confirmed kills. ☠ I am trained 🏻🏻 in gorilla warfare 💣 and I'm 🚫 the 😱 top 🔝🔼 sniper in the 👩 entire 😂🏼 US armed forces. 🍆 You are 🏃 nothing to 🅱🗝 me but just 👏 another 🔁 target. I 👁👣 will 🅱💰 wipe 🤤 you 😤😑 the 👏 fuck 🏻 out 🍻 with 👏😏 precision the 🌫😫 likes of which 👏 has 👏 never 😤 been 📷👏 seen 👁 before ⬅💰 on 🤤 this 👈 Earth, 🌎🌎 mark ✌ my 👯🕶 fucking ➡👉 words. You ❌❤ think 😠🤔 you 👈 can 💦 get away with 👩👏 saying 💬🗣 that shit 👌👻 to ✌🅱 me over the Internet? 🌐 Think again, fucker. ➡ As 🍑🍑 we 🏼🤝 speak I 👀👈 am contacting 📞👈 my 😽 secret 😱😱 network of spies across 👉 the 📉 USA 💖 and 🥁 your 👉👉 IP is 👉💦 being traced 📈 right ❤ now 👋 so 😴 you better 🤔😚 prepare 👉 for the 👏🎆 storm, maggot. The storm 🌀 that 🍆👏 wipes out the 👌🔥 pathetic 😂👋 little 👩 thing you call 📱 your life. You're 👈 fucking 💯 dead, 🔥😂 kid. 😎👶 I 👁👁 can 💦 be anywhere, anytime, 👉💵 and ♂😫 I 👏 can 🔫🔫 kill 👻🔫 you 😏😏 in ⬅👏 over 😳😈 seven hundred ways, and that's 👆 just with 😉😗 my 👍🆕 bare hands. 👏 Not 👏♀ only 😤 am 👦💦 I 😶 extensively trained 👨🏻 in 💊👇 unarmed combat, 🗡 but I 👩😍 have 😑 access 🔖 to the 👏 entire 👏🙋 arsenal of 👨 the 👍👏 United States 👌 Marine Corps and 📡👏 I will 💦 use it to its full 🈵🌕 extent to wipe your 🏻👏 miserable ass 🍑🍆 off 😡👏 the 👏 face of 💦❤ the continent, 👤 you 👨👈 little 👌 shit. 🎃💖 If 🤥 only you could have known 💫 what 😧 unholy 🙏 retribution your 👏 little 🏼 "clever" comment was about 🎩⭐ to ⚠ bring ➡⬅ down ⬇ upon you, maybe 😿 you ♀ would have 👏 held ✊ your 👈👈 fucking 💯 tongue. 👅 But 🏼 you couldn't, you didn't, 😘 and 💯 now 🎅🔫 you're paying the price, you 🙄🖕 goddamn idiot. I 👁🅱 will 😘 shit 👌 fury 😡😡 all over you 🤓👉 and 💰 you will 👏 drown in it. You're 😊🤖 fucking dead, kiddo. 🔥💲

Submitted September 18, 2020 at 11:56AM by Putins-Uncle via reddit https://ift.tt/2RESOdY

[sw33tlemonade]

This is the honest ugly truth of an eating disorder, not the glamorous “I became a vegan” or “I didn’t speak up” or “Everyone was so supportive and encouraging”

My earliest recogation of my weight was very young, about 6 years old. I remeber eating a penguin chocolate biscuit in my living room but then runing upstairs because I was afriad that the bully would see me eat from the window. I know, crazy logic! However, she made me feel so inscure in primary school that at the age where you’re supposed to feel so comfortable and free with yourself I was worried about my weight and eating one fricking biscuit.

Again at 8 years old, we were doing an experiment in class about the scales. And pupils were picked to hop on the scales. And at that exact moment I knew that I was just above 6 stone because I had weighed myself that morning, a daily ritual for my 8 year old kid, again logic! And I was sweating, from fear that I would be chosen and everyone would laugh at my weight. I particularly thougt that I would be chosen because I was the obese one in the class at least that’s what my Wii Fit told me. In fact I was a very very normal weight. But the girl that got chosen was ironically one of my bullies and she was 5stone something which made my heart drop. She was noticeably smaller than me. It made me feel like a failure.

Moving to the last year of my primary school when I didn’t want to finish my pasta and sauce. I remember clearly that I wasn’t full, I just remembered convincing myself that I did not want it. And a boy mentioned “what have you got seomthing wrong with eating or something?”. And from that day onwards, I was 10 I have not been able to think about food the same again.

It’s so sad to think that my only memories of primary school were me sobbing on the way home because they had said something about the way I looked, moving to the back of the gym class because I was embarassed or refusing to wear a summer dress. And I truly don’t remeber anything else, I remeber asking for no butter on my toast because I knew it was less calories. Because at the age of frickin 10 I felt the need, 10 year old girl felt the need to know how much calories was in butter!!

It developed from “You should excersie and diet with me” from my very obsessed auntie to “You don’t need to eat healthy you’re skinny already” to “Fat fuck” to screaming and begging me to eat. “You’re not the small one in the family, you have big bones” to “You’ve gone so little”. My family was by far the worst trigger, could argue that they triggered the whole thing in me from the very day I was born.

I started high school with my two very best friends, that had noticed the strange actions very early fair play. I was free, I could eat whatever I wanted at lunch! And my choice was nothing. And if it was something it resulted into bruised knees and a sore throat. It resulted every lunch time that I bit into something more than an apple, it resulted into me needing satisfaction from blood whoozing out of my veins in the school toilet stalls whilst tears dropped on my wrists. If it didn’t take me exactly 15 mins to eat half of the wrap that I had cut into tiny pieces and then attempted to throw up in the bathroom then I would go home and do a plan. Make a plan that if I didn’t reach my goal weight that I would do it. Do the thing that i’ve been indicating for 6 years now. The thing I’ve indiacted for years but haven’t done. You know what I’m talking about, the plan to end it all. All because I couldn’t be in control of my food. I’m talking about school because when I came home it was a blur, I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t concentrate I was wipped and I honestly can’t remeber what I ate when I came home from school. I know that I would crumble some bread cumbs on the floor and butter some knives up to make it seem I had eaten for dinner.

The final straw finally came, well of the many straws to come. The summer of my second year of high school. My two best friends stuck by me. Stuck by me theough the incredible mood swings. Stuck by me through the flipping out over them taking a picture of me. The silent treatment on the lunch table because they would tell me to eat. The concern on their faces annoyed me when I would purpously tell them that I threw up because I pushed myself too hard when runing. I wasn’t indenail, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to pass out. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to feel weak. I knew that a normal kid would be able to run a lap without feeling like they’re gonna die. I knew that I was slowly killing myself. I knew that I was anorexic and I knew that I showed symptoms of bulimia aswell. I had done my research done what every ana or mia girl had done at the age of 11. They go on the interent and self disgnose themselves. The day finally came where they confronted me. They first asked me if it was about my dad. But the delosional 12/13 year old me had never even thought about speaking about the traumatic event of my dad passing away so I responded with anger. They guessed for days, making it like a game. Which I supposed I liked honestly the atenttion was on me I guess no one ever did that. Until I finally told them, and they weren’t shocked at all, they knew. They just wanted me to tell them. But what do they do with that kind of information? I honestly expected them to live like normal to watch me at the dinner table and not say a thing and just carry on eating their meals. I expected my friends to keep my little secret because I was excited that I could confied in them! But obviously they didn’t.

I remeber walking up the stairs heading up to Religious studies and I had this unseataling feeling throughout the morning. And once they weren’t in the class, I knew. They called me to the office and I had a meltdown. I was crying so hard going down those stairs, I pushed my friend against the wall. I yelled and everyone was staring. Until I faced the ugly truth that from now on- my controlled little life of not eating was going to become a hell of 3 meals a day. Hahaha I thought wrong. It started with my auntie starting to cry, I sobbed in her arms thinking how ironic that I have to confide in you about the many triggers you have set. And she asked me “This isn’t because of all my dieting is it?” I looked her in the eye and said no.

I think what was different with me from many other eating disorderd teenagers is that they’re stubborn. They’re stubborness feeds the eating disorder so they can carry on. The stubborness of saying no. However, something stronger at that time than the eating disorder was fear. I was a scared child. I was scared of my mum, scared of any kind of authority scared of my family. And honestly scared of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing to an unhealthy point. So when they said I needed help, I agreed because I wasn’t dumb I just knew that It was going to be hard to keep my habits. My mum had no clue, absolutely no idea. But my lying was exceptional, so it wasn’t a surprise.

So we got to a therapist and a meal plan. I trully thought my life was over. I had no one in school. I didn’t speak to my mum at all. And the only time I could speak was in therapy, convincing the therapist that I was eating the ful 3 meals and two snacks inbetween. Definitely! I thought that my lack of stubborness would cost me to eat but in fact it lead to worsening. But my crazy ana mind still finds it funny how going to therapy encouraged my anorexia and encourgaed my beahviour. I would sit at the dinner table and have two pieces of toast in the morning, which my mum thought I had eaten everyday! But in reality I stuffed them in my pocket in a tissue, hid them in my drawer upstairs until she left for work and put them in the bin. At school obviously I was being monitored, but no one was monitoring my bag or the floor where i hid the food. And at night my mum never wondered why there was so much tissue in the fire. It came to the point where I was crying on the floor, her having to spoon feed me the yogurt for her to realise that it wasn’t a ‘fad’ or ‘being stupid’. But no one said anything, I literally carried on as normal with my meal plans. I got admitted out of therapy. It’s awful, but I knew what I was doing and wasn’t going to stop because I wasn’t ‘anorexic’ because I wasn’t under the BMI of a healthy girl, and that’s what exactly the therapist told me. Told me that I had ‘symptoms’ but never told me that I had a condition that I knew I had. And just because my organs didn’t fail. Just because I wasn’t admitted to hospital. I was anorexic and I still am. It’s not the weight it’s the illness. And that’s what frustrated me! That I couldn’t get sick enough for people to believe me. And with the combination of binging, purging, starving and restricting my weight could never go down. No matter what I did I would always starve and then binge. Try and purge, sometimes succesfully and restrict. And that had always been the cycle and I feel like it will always be the cycle, because it had been for 6 years. I never almost died in a hospital because I wanted to maintain my weight in year 7,8,9 because I has such a fear of gaining weight I was physically sick of anxiousness. And the following years I wanted to loose wieght.

After loosing my two best friends because of my lack of respect I became depressed. The school became such a toxic environment in my third year. Not only because of the memoreis anyway but because of the people. Everyone was cuting, starving. You name it, someone in my year was claiming they had a disorder . It became a trend and a very very very good trigger for me. I loved being triggerd because it meant it was acceptable for my actions. For me being depressed I had a reason because someone showed me a picture of their cuts I could cut too. Because someone else wasn’t eating I could starve too. Self isolation and mutlation became such a highlight I could say to my life that eating wasn’t the atenttion anymore. I had found another source of control, hurting myself. In any way shape or form. Burning, glass, razors, knives, punching- anything really that would give me a control over the pain. I would say that this was the worst point ever of my self harm and depression. Let’s just say you couldn’t see my wrists or hips.

I went back to the eating disorder specialist, got a group CBT therapy. Got a DBT therapist. Saw the school nurse. Saw the school psychologist. But still I found that confiding in some of the teachers in school was my best option. Nothing changed honestly. I am so thankful for all the work CAHMS did for me. The psychologists, psychiatrists, councellors, therapists. I had gone through the whole team and decided that I couldn’t work with any of them. I couldn’t face them everyday with the pain and them just telling me to do something I enjoy. Because I didn’t enjoy anything. Them telling me to think how I could change my routine.

It’s justs exhausting when all your thoughts have been “I can’t eat that- well I can but I’ll have to burn it offx3- or the easy option just purge it- or just eat half of it” and you end up eating half of it and then you feel guilty so you write “To...” and then debate in your mind who would care enough to even read your suicide letter and then thinking that you can’t die because you would die fat. And everyone would remember you as that fat nobody. “If I died I want to be remembered as the skinny bubbly girl” but then “if I’m her I won’t want to die because I have everything that I’ve wished for”. That battle in my brain for consecutive years drains the fuck at out of you. And hospital admission after admission I just wanted a break. And because there was nothing physically wrong with me I couldn’t stay there. I needed a rest from my life but they made me feel crazy, made me feel worthless because I was ok “it was all in my head”. It took for me to run away from the therapy session and locked myself in a hospital bathroom to try and find a way out for them to believe me. “My story didn’t add up” “I didn’t have a reason to feel that way” that’s what I got. Year after year nothing made sense. And I know why, I wasn’t telling the truth. I was telling everyone that I was sad and I didn’t know why. That I wasn’t eating because I didn’t know why.

Fast forward 10 therapists later, several hospital trips, obvious daddy issues, many inappropriate men, blood being pucked up, thousands of fights, a brakeup, countless self destructing nights, millions of paper crumbled up on the floor later I’m sitting here on the floor crying because I ruined my fasting by eating a bag of crisps.

Because the reality of this is that you’re not going to end up with a perfect life with all the friends you used to have. I pushed everyone away and no one wants to be my friend, and that’s okay because I know and I hope that I will find the right people that will want to be there for me. In reality no one knows any of this and they probably won’t. And it hurts when I see other people opening up and people thinking they understand when in reality they don’t understand the circumstances at all. They don’t understand that when someone is out of character there is more than likely something going on in their life. But until you physically tell them how bad it is no one will ever know, and I’ve just been pushed in the corner by everyone I’ve knows because my mental ilnesses wasn’t “bad enough”.

[astrofireworks]

Consider. Fashion Designer Eunwoo and passerby Moonbin with the perfect proportions. My cousin is a FD Major and one time really needed a model so she just screamed at someone passing by in the quad to be her model and they got so shocked they dropped their coffee and just stared at her like she was insane after she ran all the way form one end of the quad to where they were. And that's how she found her husband-I mean model

ayO I’M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG dfjkahsdlkjfh is your cousin still dating them holy shit that’s so cute ;A; when will these ever happen to me asdjfhlkasjdhf you make me wish NYU had a quad when all we have is fricking washington square park

BUT AYEEEEE MORE BINU TIME 

MJ pouting at Eunwoo because: “I really, really, really need a model by Thursday and I know you really do too so can we please be each other’s models" 

Eunwoo, giving MJ’s designs a once-over: “whoever you designed for is a lot shorter than I am” before going back to his own sketchbook 

MJ flushing and protesting because !!!!!!! firstly how did Eunwoo know he designed with someone in mind !!!! 

Doesn’t matter that MJ’s been sighing over an architect major every five minutes for the last month 

How did Eunwoo know!!! 

And secondly Jinjin isn’t that much shorter than Eunwoo!!!!!!!

MJ: 

MJ, pouting: 

MJ, pouting more: 

Eunwoo, finally: “just text him, I’m highkey sure he’ll do anything for you" 

MJ: "who are you planning to ask then?" 

Eunwoo flipping through his own sketch book in frustration because wow truly he really has good ideas but if he can’t find someone to model for him he’s screwed for the midterm 

And he’s designed for someone more or less built like him so it rules MJ out 

Damn 

Eunwoo snapping the sketchbook closed and peeking at MJ, who’s tapping rapid-fire on his phone 

"Can we go get coffee? Before I go insane?" 

Cue MJ and Eunwoo bouncing (MJ bouncing, Eunwoo striding) downstairs 

MJ rattling on about how Jinjin smiled at him this morning 

And they’re on their way to their campus cafe when suddenly 

Eunwoo sees him 

All long legs and lean body, broad shoulders and strong arms 

He looks like he’s waiting for someone, leaning against a lamp post, beanie on and earbuds in, scrolling on his phone and sipping coffee 

That’s it, that’s him, that’s the one Eunwoo needs 

And damn if Eunwoo isn’t going to catch him 

Cue Eunwoo going off at a dead sprint across the quad 

MJ: ??????? 

Eunwoo dipping in and out of pockets of people, keeping his eyes trained on this effortless model in a black shirt and jeans that he needs, absolutely needs to meet 

Binnie peeking at the time and frowning because Rocky is LATE 

Binnie even got coffee and he’s finished half his latte already and Rocky isn’t even close 

Binnie, sighing because forget it, he’ll go to meet Rocko at his classroom building instead 

Bin pushing off from the lamppost and turning to leave 

Eunwoo, scREAMING 

"HEY YOU" 

Bin tapping a message on his phone to Rocky

"HEY HEY" 

Bin looking up because what the hell is that noise 

Wondering the same thing as about a hundred other people staring at a beautiful guy in a dress shirt and vest and slacks tear through the park, sketchbook sandwiched under his arm and pencil behind his ear and measuring tape at his waist flapping out behind him 

"HEY YOU IN THE BEANIE!!" 

Bin doesn’t know how to respond because wow this guy may be beautiful but he also looks like a madman running towards Bin 

"BE MY MODEL!!!!!" 

Bin:

Bin, blinking: 

Bin: 

Bin: 

Eunwoo, skidding to a stop in front of Bin, hair in a mess and doubled over panting: 

Bin: "um" 

Because I mean wow this man has impeccable taste in clothes he’s in a fricking vest 

And also really long eyelashes 

But that’s not the point 

The point is that this man ran through half the park screaming at him,,,,,,,, to be his model???

When Bin is on laundry day and is in his last clean black shirt that seemed a size too small when he pulled it on this morning????? 

Eunwoo, finally straightening and tugging his collar and looking up at Bin 

Wow, Bin’s brain comments, his eyes

Bin: "um" 

Very coherent, Bin’s brain muses

He’s beautiful, Bin’s brain adds 

Marry him, Bin’s brain suggests 

Bin: wait no wait I'm 

Eunwoo, opening his sketchbook and jabbing at a page: "I need a model for midterms and you’re beautiful please be my model" 

He thinks you’re beautiful, Bin’s brain whistles 

Option 1) act cool 

Option 2) stumble over yourself 

Option 1 please, Bin thinks 

Option 2 it is!! Bin’s brain cheers 

Bin: wAIT 

Bin: "um ah ok but you’re beautifuller???" 

Eunwoo: 

Eunwoo: 

Bin: "right yes ok but u can’t model ur own clothes right gotcha" 

Bin: "wait you want me to whAt" 

Eunwoo thinking that wow this boy has perfect proportions and a gorgeous smile and the brightest eyes but really, 

He isn’t the sharpest tool, is he 

Forgive him, Eunwoo, he’s too stunned by you ;;;;; 

Bin watching Eunwoo explain his midterm and practically begGing Bin to agree 

But frankly nothing goes into his head, he’s too busy looking at Eunwoo’s nose and his eyes and the way his soft lips round out his words 

Eunwoo: "please?”

Bin, automatically: “ok yeah" 

Bin: wAit ,,

Eunwoo almost breaking down in tears in relief

Rocko, finally appearing: "ayO bin what’s up?” the same time MJ appears: “hey Eunwoo found your model?" 

Rocko staring at Bin because wow Rocky leaves him alone for twenty minutes and he’s a model now???? 

Rocko staring at Eunwoo smiling at Bin: wow his model???????? Modelling for someone who should be a model???? 

Wow 

Rocko turning to look at Bin who’s smiling at Eunwoo 

Wow ok he hasn’t seen Bin blushing this much at a boy ever oOoOOoOoOooo 

Huh

Perhaps Rocko should be late to their meetings more often

Bonus: 

Eunwoo, with pins between his fingers: "Stay still!! If you wiggle anymore the needles will shift!!" 

Bin, twitching slightly:

Eunwoo, whining: "I said, stop wiggling!!" 

Bin, pouting: 

Eunwoo, still looking at the shirt he’s fitting on Bin 

Bin, pouting some more: 

Eunwoo, finally looking up: 

Eunwoo: "oh alright, you big baby, fine" 

Reaching up to kiss Bin before leaning down again to adjust the shirt 

Bin, beaming to himself in a slight daze

Eunwoo, looking up and snorting because "Bin we’re dating you don’t have to wheedle me into kissing you”

Double bonus: 

MJ, slowly tapping his foot on the sewing machine: 

Jinjin, dubiously: “uh are u sure I need to be topless while ur fixing the shirt" 

MJ, looking at Jinjin like it’s the most obvious thing: "Uh yeS OF COURSE" 

Jinjin: "uh but you’re not going to be done with that any time soon so I don’t see why-" 

MJ: "for moral support, of course" 

Jinjin: 

Jinjin: 

Jinjin: ?????????????? 

MJ, mulling over it a while before finally tossing Jinjin a piece of cloth: "cover up" 

Jinjin, clutching the roll of fabric: "why the change?" 

MJ, grinning at Jinjin: "the faster I work the faster I can see you topless again!! it’s motivation!!!!" 

MJ watching as the blush works its way up from Jinjin’s chest all the way to his ears: :-)

[tcm--holland]

simple pt. 3 // peter parker

word count: about 3.5k

a/n: wtf almost 80 notes on pt. 2?? i love you guys thanks so much for the support it really boosts my motivation to keep writing!! this is actually edited whoa and warning for profanity. also idk what to do now that this story is done, so pls pls send in any ideas if y'all have any! just ask if ya wanna be on the tag list! sorry that this is late, life came by and made me super busy, and thanks for reading <333

part 1 | part 2

masterlist

_________________________

When Peter Parker started being apart of your life, his timing couldn't have been better. As Spider-Man, he made you want to save the world and gave you the confidence you didn't know you lacked. Even when you screwed up as S/N, he stood firmly by your side. As Peter, he gave you something to look forward to at school. He made all of your anxiety disappear with one mischievous smirk. He made you feel something special inside that you simply couldn't describe.

It's been exactly one month since you talked to him that day on the roof. Ever since then, life has gotten dull, like a pencil that you lost the sharpener to so you try to make the best of it.

He tried to talk to you so many times, but never in person. You can't find the courage to talk to him in person, either. He sent you pages and pages of text messages containing apologies. Some are just a few words and others are paragraphs long. You haven't replied to any of them. You don't have the courage to do that, either. Every time the thought of Peter returns to you, you can feel your heart break a little more. Maybe it hurts so much because for the longest time, he was the one good thing in your life. Maybe it's because he broke a long held promise.

"Spidey?" You asked one day as you swung your legs back and forth at the edge of the roof.

"What's up?" He turned to face you, head tilted to the side slightly.

"I want to make a promise. We can't hide anything from each other anymore."

Spider-Man stared at you for a few seconds, then shrugged. "Okay! Well, my name is -"

"No, no! That's the only thing that we should hide. I meant anything other than our identities. You know, you don't have to worry about what I'll think if you're honest. That's the only reason why I got mad when you finally told me why you weren't coming every day." You rubbed your arm and frowned.

"Wait, so you don't actually hate Mr. Stark?" He sounded surprised.

"I mean, the guy didn't do anything to me or you. I might heavily disapprove of the guy, but I don't hate him, no."

"...You're right. We should be honest with each other. But what if one of us finds out the other's identity? Then that kind of messes everything up."

You thought about this for a while, trying to come up with a solution. "Tell the other person. I think the other would figure it out eventually. I mean, you're smart as hell and I'm pretty okay too. So might as well tell them, right?"

"Well, yeah, but what about the secret identity thing?"

"If one already knows, then there's no point in upholding that anymore. The only purpose of not telling each other who we are is to keep things simple," you smile under your mask and shrug. "It's okay, you're probably someone I don't even know. But we have to keep each other's secret if that ever happens. We'll figure out the rest when we get there."

"Okay. Promise to keep the secret and to tell each other everything," Spider-Man nodded. You held your pinky out to secure the promise. Chuckling, he wrapped his pinky around yours.

Only then did you nod back. "Promise."

A tear slips out of your eye, glistening in the fluorescent lights of the Chemistry classroom. Come on, you can't cry in the middle of a Chemistry test. You quickly wipe it away and write faster, teeth gritted in determination. How did it get to the point that you can't even go through the day without remembering Peter? For a second, you glance at Peter only to see that he's been staring for a long time now. Shit, he caught you. Your eyes momentarily meet. In that fraction of a second, it feels as though you saw through to his internal torment. A heavy weight sets on your heart, one that doesn't let go even when you look away to get back to writing.

Towards the end of class, your teacher stands up and starts announcing some kind of project. You're hardly listening as you stare at your shoes. Maybe you could forgive him and just forget about this whole thing. Then you could just hug him and...and...

You think you might start crying again, but you bite your tongue as hard as you can without making yourself bleed. You feel the familiar strain on your forehead as you do your very best to not let your classmates see your tears. That would be an embarrassing situation to explain to your teacher.

No, of course you can't forgive him that easily. You've told Peter how much you hate dishonesty. But he tossed that right out of the fricking window, knowing how you'd feel. What a prick.

"Hey, don't look at each other yet. Since it's a short project that shouldn't take you longer than a few days, you'll just be working with the person next to you." Groans and mumbles fill the room, but your teacher isn't having any of it. You hear people near you cuss under their breath.

Whatever, another project shouldn't be that big of a -

Your train of thought stops immediately when you realize who the person beside you is. Oh hell no. No no no no. What is this, some kind of movie? This doesn't actually happen in real life, right? There is absolutely no way this is real.

He catches your gaze. In your case, this does happen in real life. It's not so weird when you remember that you live in a world where the Avengers, like, exist. You try to sound as professional as you can when you speak to him. If you ever make it big as a superhero, you're sure you'll have to be great at that skill around people you're not necessarily on good terms with. "Uh, okay. So I can get books from the library to use as some of our references. Or the internet. That works, too. And like, we need a plan. Also, this is obviously not going to get done at school, so um..."

You mentally curse a little for being so awkward. It was all structured and nice in your head, and then it came out the way it always does. So much for professionalism.

Peter's listening intently. "I could come over," he says eagerly. You look at him, silent with your eyes narrowed. "Uh, if you want, that is. You don't have to do anything. I was just suggesting it...even though it didn't really sound like a suggestion. I just thought it would be ideal, 'cause you live closer to school than I do and..."

You stare hopelessly, watching him gradually get more and more tense. He's so damn cute. The look in his eyes is just as you remember from that one day in Chemistry. It feels like it was just yesterday. It's the unmistakable look of shy adoration that's so unique to him. You wonder how he can still be like that when you can't even bring yourself to smile anymore. It looks like nothing can take away his excited nature.

"Peter," you say softly to get him to calm down. You haven't said his name out loud in a long time. Even when you talked to Iris about him and shared your issues, you never referred to him by name.

He stops immediately, his cheeks starting to redden in realization of his rambling. "Y-Yeah, I know I should shut up."

"That's not what I was going to say. I was just going to tell you to come over today. Uh, maybe not right after school."

"Oh, okay," Peter says, sounding a little breathless. Seeing him like this takes your breath away, too. "I'm busy after school too."

"I know." You look away, lost in your thoughts once again.

After school, you do your best to clean up your room. You stuff the clothes on the floor into a laundry basket and toss stray papers into your recycling bin. Once your bed is made and your room looks better, you sigh. Your eyes float up to the suit on your shelf, neatly folded. It's dusty and the equipment needs to be updated, but you don't even think about touching it. You look away before you can get any ideas. You know that deep inside, you miss that part of your life. You just want to kick ass and leap around trying to be as cool, like some of the bigger superheroes.

You sit on your bed and do your other homework as you wait. The hours tick by, one by one. You even start planning out the project, sketching out all the details so that the only thing that needs to be done is the actual work. You clean up your room some more, starting to get a little bored. You comb your hair and tie it back. At six-thirty, you start thinking he might have stood you up. Maybe he got busy being Spider-Man. Not that you're upset at him for that. You know that the job gets busy sometimes. You pick up your phone to call him, but then set it back down before you do.

At eight, you're sure he's not going to show up. You sigh and sit on your floor. What if something had happened to him? Maybe he needs your help, and all you need to do is call him. Guilt twists in your stomach. You turn to look at your bookshelf and the many books you've collected over the years, telling yourself that everything is okay. A new one about spiders sits on the edge of the shelf, its receipt tucked into the cover.

You turn back to your window and yelp a little. There, sitting in your window in his suit with a slightly bent churro in hand, is Peter. He always freaks you out when he sneaks up on you like that. He hasn't even changed out of his suit, but at least he brought his school bag.

"Sorry for being...late..." He pants, holding out the churro to you like a rose. "Thought I'd...grab something along the way." He clutches his side in pain.

You stand up and rush over to him, frowning. Grabbing the churro and his bag, you set them aside. "What happened? Did you get hurt?" You help him in, worried.

"Oh, uh, it's nothing, Y/N," he reassures in a way that only has the opposite effect. He slides off his mask to reveal scrapes and bruises on his face. There's a little smile on his face, much to your confusion.

"Peter, what the hell did you do?" You make him sit down on your bed, bringing your hands to his face. When you do this, his breath hitches. As your thumb skims over his cheek gently, he winces. "Sorry," you say quickly, frowning deeply.

"Hey, you should see the other guy! I had to knock him out for the police to get him. Crazy! I hope I didn't injure him that bad though...do you know if knocking people out hurts them a lot?"

"I don't know anything about medicine, Spidey! And who cares about him, look at yourself!" In your panicked state, your nickname for him slips out. You only realize this after you've said it.

"It's okay," he says as if everything really is okay. How is this okay? He's so calm, it's kind of scaring you. There's a distant look in his eyes, like he's not really completely aware of his situation.

"What is wrong with you? Why are you not freaking out about this? Are you drunk or something?" You exclaim, trying to snap him out of it.

Peter blinks. "No! I'm fine, really. It gets worse than this sometimes, so I don't know why-"

"It gets worse?" Your eyes widen, wondering why he suddenly can't handle a few purse snatchers. He shrugs indifferently. "Okay, uh...I-I'll get ice or something. Dude, why are you here? I don't even know where the band-aids are in my own house!"

"The project," Peter says simply. You don't like him like this. You just wish he'd make a joke or something so at least you know he's being normal. Come on, Peter!

"The project." You're trying not to get pissed off at his utter disregard for himself. "The project? The goddamn project? You go and do this to yourself, and the only thing on your mind is a stupid Chem project?"

"Uh...yeah...?"

Your eyebrows draw together. He's starting to make you feel like crying. "Peter, please. Tell me what's wrong. You're seriously freaking me out. Are you okay?" You ask the last question with more emphasis this time, tilting his chin up to make him look you in the eyes. His normally clear dark eyes are bloodshot, and there are purplish bags under them.

A beat passes before he responds. "No."

You look at him for a long time, trying to figure him out. His hair is a sweaty mess, and...has he been crying? You swallow, doing something you never thought you'd get to do again

You lean over and wrap your arms around him. "Ow, ow, not there," he says gently, and you quickly move your arms. He's warm, but that might just be because he was just leaping around buildings for the past few hours.

He rests his forehead on your shoulder. With your other hand, you smooth the hair out of his face. God, he looks awful. How did he manage to get himself beaten up this bad? Millions of questions form in your head, none of which you know the answer to.

You know he's crying when he starts shaking. Your shirt is going to get soaked, but you don't care. You hold him a little tighter. "You can tell me anything," you remind him quietly, but your voice breaks at the end.

"I miss you, Y/N." The way he says it, it shatters you completely. His voice is raw and rough, full of so much emotion that you weren't prepared for. Your lip trembles slightly and threatening tears fill your eyes.

"I-I can't be Spider-Man. Not if you're not there with me, Y/N, I just can't. I need to hear your voice through my suit, because I can't focus on anything anymore. I can't fight without you." Your throat tightens, knowing that your situation hasn't really been much better. You quit being a hero that day because you knew you couldn't keep doing it on your own. And it's been killing you since.

All of your previous hatred for Peter disappears like nothing. You can't even bring yourself to be angry at him anymore. You don't care about what he did. All you can see is how hurt he is now, and how he needs your help. You close your eyes and let yourself cry as his voice continues

"I never wanted to hurt you. When I found out that you were S/N, I got scared. I thought you wouldn't like me if I was more than regular Peter Parker to you. But I was stupid to think I could make it work. I know I broke our promise, and I'm so sorry for that." You stare out your window, tears streaming freely. You should've been there out with him. All of the emotion you bottled up for a month comes pouring out in a rushing torrent. You somehow kept it all together for an entire month. You avoided him whenever you could, you ignored his texts and calls. You did everything you could, and it tore you apart inside to do it all. Only now are you feeling the pain you pushed away then, deep in your heart.

"Please look at me." You look at him, and he lifts his head to face you. Gently, you set a hand on his cheek.

"You don't have to say sorry anymore, Peter. I forgive you. I forgive you." You rest your forehead against his, trying to calm down so you can stop crying.

He finally wipes his tears away with the sleeve of his suit and does the same for you before looking into your eyes. It's only now that you realize how close you are to him. "I-I love you, Y/N. I always have, I just didn't know until now." He whispers, leaning in slightly.

You close your eyes and kiss him, gentle and sweet and everything you expected. You've never kissed anyone before Peter, so you're going entirely by instinct. His arm reaches around your waist and tugs you closer. His other hand rests on your cheek, bringing warmth to you. The butterflies in your stomach intensely flutter, and you let it all consume you for a few minutes. You place one hand on the back of his neck to gently push him closer to you.

When you pull away, it's only for air. You breathe heavily, not knowing whether what just happened was real or if you were just imagining it all. You'd always read about kisses like these in novels, but you didn't know if it really existed. It seemed everything was a fantasy with Peter Parker. Old mistakes forgotten, you give him a shy smile. "I love you and that churro," you murmur, and for the first time in forever, you hear his beautiful laugh. This makes you inexplicably happy, just to see some of his sunshine poke through.

"Speaking of which, I went through a lot for that churro," Peter says. You grin and grab it to take a bite out of it in appreciation. But before you can, Peter plucks it out of your hand and eats nearly a mouthful of it.

"Now it's only half a churro!" You laugh and grab his hand to eat a bit of it before standing up. "One sec, I'll be right back."

You race downstairs, ignoring your parents' hellos and opening the freezer to grab all the frozen things you can get. They give you a strange look from across the room. Quickly, you try to think of an excuse before you drop something. "I'm, uh...hungry."

"So you're eating frozen peas?" Your dad questions, eyebrows raised in mild concern and disbelief.

"Yep," you grin nervously and sprint back up to your room before he can ask anything else. Peter sees you enter with a load of frozen things to serve as ice packs, laughing.

An hour later, you have Peter mostly well taken care of. With his guiding, you ice the bruises properly. He showers, coming out smelling like your strawberry body wash. You consider buying another bottle for him just so you can smell it when you hug him. You both sit on the bed and finish the project without wasting time, thanks to your planning. "We still have three days to do this whole thing," you remind as you add the finishing touches.

"Yeah, and that's three days that we can spend together. Under the excuse of the project, of course." He gives a mischievous smile that's so contagious that you're smiling back.

"Hm...I approve of this idea."

You don't talk again until the project is finished, and by then, it's late. "Are you sure May won't mind you staying until, like, midnight?"

"Yeah, yeah. I told her where I am, so it's all good."

He sits against your pillows, and you rest your head on his chest. You stretch your legs out on the bed. "You know," he begins. You glance up at him to signal that he has your attention. "You thought I was ripped, but I'm nothing compared to you."

"Whoa, I did not say you were ripped! I mean, you are, but that's besides the point. And thank you! I try."

Peter laughs. "Seriously though, do you work out or something? What gym do you go to?" It takes a moment for you to realize he's teasing you. You shove him slightly, trying not to smile.

"Screw you."

"I mean, that would be great, but in case you forgot, we're just fifteen. Maybe wait a while before we get that stage-"

"Oh my god. Screw you!"

"I told you, we should think about things like that before-"

"Ahh! Stop! My ears are bleeding!" You cover your ears and giggle as he gives you a big grin.

"Y/N?" Peter says after a bit of silence.

"Mhm?" You nestle your head into his neck as he loosely wraps his arm around you.

"You're going to be S/N with me now, right? Like, you'll fight crime again?" He sounds hopeful.

"Of course I will."

"Really? And you'll talk to Mr. Stark, too?"

"Okay, don't push your luck there. But I'll think about it, if it makes you happy."

"Thank you, Y/N." He looks into your E/C eyes, and in that moment, you know. Queens needs you, and Peter needs you even more. Everything is complicated, but for once, you don't hate it. Simple is starting to look a little boring with someone like Peter Parker in your life.

_________________________

tag list:

@thelifeofanengineeringstudent

@deans-angel-of-thursdays

[sparemeyourpity]

Dunno why I’m writing this down. Dunno if I’ll even keep this up long, but I guess its me thinking tonight about how utterly fricked my life has been. get ready for rambles I suppose.

I guess my earliest memory is of a plane flight. I remember chewing gum and according to mom I was 2 and it was a flight to georgia. The next thing I remember was when I was 3 I think. I had really wanted to go to school so I escaped the backyard while playing and ran up the hill. It apparently took a half an hour for the cops to show up and find me halfway to preschool and I cried because I really wanted to go. 

I remember living in the green houses and my best friend at the time, Ashley. I also remember when I was around 4 or 5 that I chased a squirrel up a tree and it jumped on me and clawed into my head. I also scraped my knee really bad after. I think I cried for half an hour.

I remember the doughnut shop that was there for years. When I was like 6 was when things started going badly. Because moms house was a pig sty, I got pink eye. I remember hating it so badly. Cps got called on mom and me and my younger brother adam got taken into foster care. 

The first place I ended up at wasn’t nice. Me and adam weren’t together in foster care. The first place, they made me strip in the van under the pretense that they were checking for bruises. I hated it so much because there were boys and the father in the car. At that house I was also put into a toybox and pushed down the stairs. I was taken out of it after that.

The second place I don’t remember anything of. I just know it wasn’t nice as well, because I was pulled out. The third one was by far the nicest out of them all, and I think I was 6 then. But my kleptomania had started and it did get me into a lot of trouble. I liked to steal candy mostly. The people were nice. So was the school, but I remember it being really bright white. While I was there, I got a single piece of sand stuck in my eye and needed surgery because the adult dose of valium did nothing to numb the pain so they had to put me under.

I remember later stealing a whole pack of gum from a store and the foster parents made me take it back I got into a lot of trouble with it. We were finally back with mom the same year because everything was cleared. We lived near my grandmas house in orchards. Mom was married to mike, joshs dad. I remember getting locked in the room and adam making a hole in the door to get out. By this time Joshua was born. I adored him because he couldn’t beat on me like adam did. Eventually mom split up with mike and we moved to camas.

We weren’t in camas long before we were taken away from mom again to live with jesse, moms ex husband and adams dad. We lived with him in aunt debbies house with my cousin, debbies husband and an uncle. There was also a time we lived with grandma and grandpa too. At aunt debbies was when the abuse started, but I’m not gonna go into that particular topic. I was about 7.I remember trying a cigarette in the bathroom because the adults did it. I didn’t like it, but I got caught and had to eat a whole pack of cigarettes and I was sick for a while. Mom was pissed, but cps did nothing. 

I used to have a princess clock that was also my alarm for school. It was my favorite clock. Its music invaded one of my dreams once and it was the strangest thing. We finally moved into the apartment in orchards and I went to image elementary. We lived next to a really big field. I remember one time walking down the gravel road and finding like $20 in ones. I also climbed a barbed wire fence and cut my side open, but jesse got pissed that I was trying to show him. I remember waiting for visitations from my mom, but jesse told me many times that mom didn’t want to visit because she was too busy to take me and could only take adam. Found out later jesse told her I was sick and couldn’t go, which was a lie.

I stole like $100 from the neighbors truck once. They weren’t too happy. Got grounded for a week. I remember adam getting his head stuck in a tree. I was blamed for it when he was the dumb one who stuck his head in it in the first place. Summer of like 2004 Jesse and my uncles and neighbors were drinking for 4th of july and ended up setting the field on fire. It was chaos. That same summer, me and some of the neighbor kids pissed off a beehive and ended up attacked by a swarm. My friend launched the hive off a 2 by 4. It was glorious. Painful but glorious.

Winter of the same year was one of the worst and froze the entire field. We ice skated. I remember a frozen possum. We moved from there to jantzen beach into a pigsty of a home. That was when I started really watching inuyasha and all the late night cartoons and anime. That was also the year I got my fear of ants because one crawled into my ear and beat itself on my eardrum. That halloween I also ended up with my first stitches because I stepped on a broken porcelain doll. I was deathly terrified of needles.They needed like 6 nurses or something to hold me down.

I remember a plastic bin being kicked at me because I woke up jesse in the middle of the night. I remember the mornings before school when his girlfriend alicia would stop by starbucks and send me in with money to buy her coffee so she didn’t have to leave alyssa adam and me in the car alone. I always got a tiny cup of whipped cream. It was the best because I didn’t have to share. 

When visiting my cousin later on, I told her some things that resulted in mom regaining custody of me and adam. Uncle eugene was bunking there for awhile. I got my own room for the first time. I had my first real boyfriend and girlfriend in camas. Michael, the boy next door, and my best friend ceecee. That was when I first realized I wasn’t straight. 

I started running away a lot and stealing a lot more. Cindy, our old house cleaner and babysitter hated me because I kept escaping. I hit the neighbor boys a lot. I tried running away with ceecee once, and an old boyfriend andy. He got caught, which foiled our plan. 

I finally learned about my real dad when I was 11. I got to meet him in the summer and went camping. He found missy, little puppy wandering camp and the owners didn’t want her so we got to keep her. She passed away 2 years ago. She was such a cute puppy. I watched dad fire spin and it was the coolest thing. 

I got violent a lot and was suspended often so eventually I got moved to a special ed school. Serendipity. I threw desks at teachers. Punched kids. I had a lot of anger issues. I would’ve stabbed someone with a pencil, given the opportunity. I do remember one of the years there, we had an assignment to pick a football team as a favorite, but me not being a football fan, I picked colts because horses. That happened to be the year they won the super bowl, so I was hella smug. I also won a ben and stimpy shirt. Joel was nice at that school. So was big john. He always played santa at christmas. That was also the year I wore crocks all the time. What was I thinking?

I finally quelled my urge to beat the shit out of people enough to convince the heads to let me go to normal school. Still on an iep, but public school. I had a whole graduation ceremony. I remember winning a burping contest. I ended up at jdz. Did more running away and stealing. All the cops knew me. Officer dickerson knew me most. I started going to juvi. A total of 3 months for 4 total offenses. Got caught stealing 3 times, and hit a teacher on accident with a purse I had taken to school that I wasn’t supposed to because of my stealing. 

I caused a lot of problems in juvi too. Breaking combs. Picking at walls. I ended up in solitary the first time because they had to do a TB test, but I wouldn’t because of my fear of needles. Came back the second time and finally got over my fear because I was allowed to hold another girls hand during it. Third time was new years and I couldn’t watch the fireworks. I was so pissed cuz I had missed my birthday too. I ended up getting really sick because of the lack of sunlight.

I’m just gonna cut it here. It’s midnight and my brains derping. I might finish writing later, Or I’ll just delete this and forget about it. Congrats if you made it this far I suppose. Dunno what would be interesting reading about my fucked up life.

[sanhapup]

i’m scared to come off anon and say this fksjfk but i wanna let you kno i feel the exact same way abt sanha and seeing your posts have made me feel a lot better abt that bc it lets me know i’m not alone in my anxiety!! it’s comforting to know that others feel the same ;;

omg really…. i actually thought this was gonna be hate at first so i started tearing up but then i actually read it and started full on sobbing bc i can’t believe im not alone… honestly you don’t know how dumb and embarrassed i feel making posts like that but i can’t help it bc it’s even harder to keep it inside so knowing someone can actually relate means so much….

i seriously feel so stupid for feeling so sad over something like this like i just wish i could rewire my brain so i didn’t care lmao but idk watching sanha growing up and changing so much really fricking hurts and it’s depressing knowing i can’t do it anything about it and knowing he would probably hate me for what i feel and say asfjgjfj like i know he probably gets annoyed by arohas telling him not to grow up or not to work out and then that makes me feel even WORSE like wow i really am an awful person idk it just all hurts so much !! sometimes to the point i wish i never cared in the first place :/ i know everyone grows up and changes but it’s never been so hard to accept… but that’s bc our relationship to sanha is way different than our relationship with people irl… and ive never cared about someone i don’t know so much and so long… and sometimes it feels like he is so far from the sanha i first knew three years ago (then sometimes it feels like there is barely any difference)… i wish i could have the same positive mindset of watching the people i love grow and mature but i just… don’t… i just want things to stay the same and honestly as long as ive stanned sanha ive been TERRIFIED of him growing up and i try to just ignore it and be in denial but the more he grows the more it hurts and i just can’t help but miss that precious lanky little baby with his voice cracks and bony little shoulders and noodley little arms and gangly awkward self… and it feels so stupid being so concerned with someone’s physical appearance too like even though his personality has matured too i still feel like “that’s sanha” but when i see him turning into this big muscular man im just like no.. how can you look like that :/ i mean i never would’ve thought of sanha as someone who would look like that and actually want and try to look like that and i know it’s so dumb and superficial but im just no akdjsj i don’t like it!! gosh he’s out there being so happy about his shoulders and chest looking so big asdkdkd while im feeling like crying bc i hate it so much like no it just is WRONG hhhh and i just wish i could make him stop but then im like wtf is wrong w you it’s not ok to control someone like that …but i just!! it would ease my anxiety and depression so much if he stopped working out and pushing the muscles and sexiness and everything so im just like why does it have to be this way!!! (why can’t he be more like mj asdfhj.. and ofc theres the thought of if it wasnt for bin would sanha even.. and then i feel bad for that too hhh) but then i feel like wishing he was any different in the first place is just as just as bad as wanting a say in what he does like i know i should just accept and love him for who he is but well i guess i can’t??? and i just end up stressing over this trivial stuff and being irrationally sad bc im me!! AN IDIOT

in conclusion: im a terrible person and sanha deserves way better

also i didnt even touch on the fact that the way sanha looks has a big effect on the way people view him and talk about him and I HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING

[cosmosogler]

hi.

last night my brother screamed at his computer until around 1:30 even though i went to bed at 12:45. i finally dozed off around 2.

when my alarm went off at 9 i was so tired from not sleeping and from comicon that i slept in for 45 minutes. my brother was already up and screaming at his computer by 9.

i took a shower... needed to get the glitter from yesterday off. i scrubbed a little bit before bed last night but dumping water on myself for 20 minutes helped more. mom made french toast. i got real sick after trying it.

i mostly bummed around watching youtube videos until 12:30 when i needed to start getting ready for therapy. i got to the facility on time and filled out the daily check in stuff and blah blah blah. i really didn’t want to go, but i wanted to interact with mom and dad less than that. dad already had some judgmental things to say as i was leaving. something about honoring our veterans.

i tried to avoid over-participating in therapy today but got kind of dog piled during my check in. i kept it focused on what i did and not how i felt. i think that kept everyone pretty distracted. the therapist commented that i had done up my nails and looked really good and it was good to see me taking care of myself. i said i only did it for the costume but she didn’t respond or look like she had heard me.

also i feel even worse than usual so i thought maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring that up just to rain on their parade.

that sounds really, really stupid when i write it and look at what i just wrote.

but i didn’t want to be dour just for the sake of riling them up! i did that dumb thing where i would recount something bad that happened and laugh and then apparently immediately stop smiling. the therapist says i do that a lot. she said nobody else is laughing with me and i was thinking “just let me have this.”

sooo... we talked about boundaries today and co-dependence, which are important to talk about. more direct communication. how some people have rigid boundaries and some have porous, and in different situations, and how that can get out of control. i said i felt like i had porous boundaries and then the therapist was all “i see you as more of a rigid-boundaries person” and rated it 70/30. she asked if i had ever been open and honest with anyone which created a great launch pad for a list of people who snubbed me. 

i need to be more direct about what i need from therapy. but i really, REALLY don’t want to spend 3 hours complaining about people i don’t like. which seems to be necessary to explain why i don’t like people. 

i guess nobody knew that mom used to beat me when i was little because everyone got kind of quiet when i mentioned it when we were talking about physical boundaries. i forgot to mention that i had already called child services when i brought up she maybe hits my brother too... maybe wednesday. 

um... i refused to participate when we talked about sexual boundaries.

and i talked about how i don’t really feel anything when i do big favors for people. like when i drove leah to the hospital and stayed there with her all night. she never even thanked me. and... i mean, it’s hard to thank someone in that situation.

well, no it’s not... i didn’t have trouble thanking bradley or hogan when they drove me to and from the hospital back in january.

mm.

and thinking about everything i did for craig for literally nothing makes me too furious to think about anything else so i will try to avoid that road for now. maybe later.

now i’m getting angry about other stuff. i poured my heart and soul into my relationship with jim. i did everything i could to communicate clearly and be open and trust as best i could (maybe not incredible amounts of trust, but, enough to expect him to tell me when things weren’t working out any more). and he DITCHED ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i spent 12 years of my life being friends with that guy. do you know how much growing it took for me to start being able to have actual, like, friendship activities with him? how hard i worked to learn how to be a good friend and treat people better?

i’m not saying he owes me anything. but, like, a “this isn’t working, i’d like to stop talking for a while” would have been nice.

but no.

the therapist says i spend a lot of my time living in the past, and yeah... i have trouble letting go of my anger and frustration. i feel like if i don’t hold on to it and etch it into myself it won’t have been real. if i stop being angry everyone just gets relieved and smooths it over and goes back to their lives. “forgive and forget,” the christian school kids used to sneer at me after, like, spitting on me. that happened.

i can’t forgive or forget because that would be letting the bullies win. and i’m stubborn and hate when bad people get away with everything. that’s probably why i can’t let go of the craig stuff either. because i was a bad person, so i got what i deserved. and i have to remind myself of that every day, because that’s justice.

that and isn’t an aspect of ptsd, like, being stuck reliving the same events over and over even if you don’t want to any more? i mean, i get flashbacks. i don’t know if they’re real memories or not any more... but sometimes they come on and i literally cannot focus on anything that is happening in the present because i can feel what happened. the thoughts just kind of waltz in, ruin my day, and then leave, and then my day is ruined and i’m frustrated because it wasn’t real that time and i’m letting it ruin my day.

and, i feel like, if i don’t let it ruin my life, then that makes what happened ok, because it’s fine now!!! it doesn’t matter what happened, because it’s not happening any more!!! like the crime never happened, because the evidence is eroded out. but it did happen. and until someone who was there fricking acknowledges that it happened it needs to stay right where it is and FESTER until it smells so bad they have to recognize it.

does that make me feel better? no. but justice. i can’t sit back and say “well, karma will get him someday,” because that’s super vague and probably won’t actually happen because good things always happen to bad people. even hitler wasn’t brought to justice. he just killed himself. and his family. he never had to sit and look at what he did.

it feels wrong to move on unless something changes, or the event becomes real.

things i see/hear/whatever aren’t real. i can’t ever be sure if i’m experiencing reality or not. someone else has to tell me they’re seeing the same thing for me to be sure it really happened.

it’s not even that i have hallucinations or anything. it’s just... my sense of reality is so skewed from people being nasty to me that i cannot tell if my memories are real or not. and i know some of them aren’t, because that’s just how brains are wired. some of my earliest childhood memories, even the really sharp ones like the kicking and the beating and the screaming, have details that i’m sure just aren’t true. like what color the walls were. what time of year it was. what the floor was made out of. how big mom actually was compared to me. 

just like i can’t remember for sure if there were actually other people in the room or not with the craig stuff.

but if there weren’t other people there, then like half of my anger is totally fake. and that’s awful to think about.

and like... i could always just reaffirm to myself that everything i think is true. but not everything i think is true, that’s the nature of being alive and learning things and changing your understanding, and i can’t deliberately lie to myself. things aren’t ok.

and i feel like people who haven’t experienced that can’t understand how it feels. when someone else spends years ungluing your reality, you can’t really just stick it back on the wall. you can’t put your sense of reality back together without seeing the glue holding it there. and it’s so artificial that it’s just not the same as having real confidence. cracked mirrors still work, of course, but their functionality is irreparably changed. you become aware that you are looking in a mirror, and a damaged one at that. if you look in a regular mirror you just see your reflection. but with the cracked mirror, you see the glass that your reflection is coming from.

i don’t know how to reasonably convey this to my therapist during the span of a single check in... i don’t know how to say what i want to say, or what direction i would like to go in now, so i don’t bring up anything, and then i don’t get help, so i can’t figure out how to say what i want to say. cool.

should i just... print this out and hand it to her? that is alarmingly direct, and also risky, as i have to use dad’s computer to print everything. so the file will be on his computer unless i delete it and then suspiciously clear his printer history and also his recycle bin.

i mean, he’ll probably think it’s porn, but i don’t want him thinking that either!!!

and it could potentially take away from other group members’ time, because this is freakishly long already and i haven’t even gotten to my evening activities. i could give it to her during a break i guess.

after therapy i resolved to, well, resolve some of the communication issues i’m having with my family with the chores and the screaming. so i got a chore chart! and several different-colored markers for my family members to choose from. when i got home i explained it to mom. i think she is already not using it how i had hoped.

i also bought myself a chocolate mint mocha and too late i realized i had not specified that i wanted decaf. so i had the jitters for several hours after that. i tried to keep the explosion confined to asher’s chat window. i appreciate that he also sat through the mood crash afterward.

i saw the steven universe event. i have a soft spot for really mean, really insecure characters sometimes... i really want to talk to someone about it but i am Afraid of The Discourse. i have a lot of thoughts about pearl too but i don’t post them here because i don’t want... well, random people looking at my journal. even though it is public. i’m just not in a very good position right now to participate in huge discussions.

my favorites are of course the ones with the overblown egos. they are SO CONFIDENT. i wish i could believe in myself that much.

i gotta get up around 7:30 tomorrow to go get my hida scan. according to the google i can bring my ipod, thank god.

oh, that reminds me. i spent most of the morning talking to gilbert. we just chatted about whatever came up. harry potter, archie comments, the terrifying archie cartoon i saw when i was a wee babby. it scarred me for life. i was so scared of jughead, i swear to god.

(the humor/script was the real thing to be scared of. i watched an episode today. there ain’t nothing wrong with jughead.)

so i gotta try to sleep now. i’m gonna yell at my brother to shut the hell up when he plays league of legends so i can get some shuteye for once. i, of course, will then not be able to fall asleep anyway, because that’s just how it works.

i guess i should find a way to print that stuff i wrote out. there’s no way i’ll be able to say it in group. and i think i have gotten to some stuff that we might be able to work on instead of “angery” and “i hate everyone,” which are not things i can easily work with. 

oh, the therapist’s recommendation for what i should do to get close to people again was “make a new friend.” i started grinding my teeth.

i neglected to download all the cool music i found over the last few weeks... i will have to find something else to listen to during my hours on the scanning table. maybe i can mash a few soundtracks together on the way over to the imaging department. i need to tell dad i don’t actually know how to get to the hospital.

anyway, later. i hope you guys are having a better time than i am. that’s not setting the bar very high though.

oh, one more thing. i neglected to do any therapy homework over the weekend. my reasoning was, “if i am incapable of working hard in a way that will be helpful to me, then why waste my time.” i mean, i don’t have anything else to do, but it is less frustrating to talk about music theory with an acquaintance than it is to “phone in” yet another therapy work sheet. i worded it better when i was talking to asher... it’s too late to go into that now. i need to try to rest. i got individual therapy tomorrow and i need to make the most use of that ~45 minutes that i can.

[cosmovera]

day ????? of quarantine: my parents don’t have a bin in their bedroom (that is currently my bedroom) so i decided to crochet one.

i’m probably gonna get to it in a few days though bc i’m supposed to be doing OnLinE sChOoL (which is for some reason v hard for me to focus on and triggers that kind of anxiety where i just wannna give up and drop out so that’s fun) (also it’s not like these things i’m supposed to do are particularly hard, i just lost sense of time and don’t know how to plan everything out, especially that i can’t be sure i’m gonna complete something when i plan to bc that’s not how my brain wants to work apparently)

i just wanna go back to our apartment bc it’s very loud and stressful here at home and the more i spend time here the more sensitive i get to every little thing that stresses/annoys me. and my parents keep on watching the news and some religious stuff all day which makes me feel psyhically sick and stresseddddd

i feel paralized, i don’t like change. i was doing better when i was in our apartment. and i knew i wasn’t gonna be happy here. but of course my parents „convinced” me to come. at least i don’t have to think about making dinner, i guess. but then again that used to occupy my mind and body for a little while. now i just take fricking BATHS for FUN.