#like MAYBE we should want these characters to have actual emotional depth regardless of the genre idk

[lesbiansanemi]

I know it’s just a silly dumb joke but also I get so irrationally irritated every time I see someone make one of the “x jjk character was born to shojo forced to shounen 😔” comments it’s so fucking annoying shut up shut up shut uppppppp

[bhaalble]

While I'm on my script doctor shit: I want to talk about Karlach.

Karlach's not dealing with the same level of narrative neglect/hasty rewrite fingerprints that Wyll is. As a standalone entity, her arc works. I Am Not Immune To Weeping at the Post-Gortash Fight Scene etc etc. But it does feel oddly discordant with the other companion quests. Karlach doesn't really experience any moral evolution or make meaningful decisions. When we meet her she's a kindhearted friendly hero, and she will be that regardless of whether she dies in Faerun or goes back to Avernus. She's incredibly likeable while she does that, and I also don't want to come across like I think her writing is shallow. But in a game where all the companion quests follow a pretty intentional pattern regarding the cycle of abuse, it sticks out like a sore thumb to me that the resolution of the Gortash plot doesn't really impact her character arc one way or the other.

As always I feel compelled to point out that this isn't me going "actually she's secretly a bad person and the game won't admit it". This is more me attempting to mine some more in-depth conflict, using the existing arc as a template. With that in mind, these are the changes I would make:

-Make the use of Soul Coins MUCH MORE of a character point. With how much attention is drawn to acquiring these things for the first time and a special dialogue choice for whether or not you'll have her use them, it feels very much like a dropped thread that it doesn't really go anywhere storywise. Leveraged correctly I think this could've been the chance to show a crack in Karlach's persona. She's your big loveable attack dog who's been having the worst decade, yeah. But she's also a survivor, who's not only been deployed into an endless conflict but who also hasn't had a single person she can trust other than herself. I think you could make more of a thing about how the conditions she lived in in Avernus forced her to make her peace with occasionally stepping on other people, even some innocents, so she could live to fight another day. There's shades of this in some of her conversations with the tiefling refugees already, she mentions to Dammon that she felt like she couldn't really do anything for Elturel. Push into that guilt, and with it, that denial. Have ten years spent with devils maybe just maybe given her a slightly more removed view of the value of a life that isn't her own?

-Whether the player feeds her Soul Coins or not I think it should be specified by Dammon that her routine use of them during her time in Avernus has sped up her engine breakdown by putting it into almost permanent overdrive. Its a damnation of Zariel (who probably knew what the coins were doing, but didn't care) and a startling moment for Karlach, that there are consequences for being cavalier with the souls of others. High Approval Karlach either asks to stop taking them (if the player has been giving them) or thanks the player for encouraging her to hold off. Low Approval Karlach will ask to keep taking them on the grounds of "in for a penny in for a pound", arguing that they can't afford to lose the advantages the player has seen it gives them (if they have been giving them) or becoming frustrated that the player is judging her and what she's had to do to survive (if they haven't).

-Make the reveal that the Steel Watch run off infernal iron MUCH MORE emotional for Karlach, as she realizes she was an experimental run for Gortash to do this. Double down on this when the player discovers that they have corpses inside them (also, put this reveal before the Steel Watch foundry quest can be completed). Its both horrifying on a gut level to find out the stupid evil reason for all her suffering...but also she can't help but feel culpable for LIVING. If she hadn't been strong enough to survive it the experiment might've ended there. Its not true but it is one of the worst thoughts you can have when you've just found out you're going to die anyways.

-I would make the relationship between Karlach and Gortash much more mutual and much more (initially) positive relationship. Have him be genuinely glad to see her, genuinely impressed that she survived the hells. Its what he always liked about her, her grit, her ability to face down impossible odds and come out the victor. Compliments that would've made her happy back in the day and now feel like a punch to the gut. Its all build-up, though, to the Choice which will define Karlach's route.

-By virtue of his experiments Gortash has gotten very good at working with Infernal Iron. And he believes he can fix Karlach's heart, in exchange for her basically taking up a more elevated version of her old job. He could use a bodyguard powered by hellfire and with a strong understanding of devils. Its also, just good optics for his man of the people image to have his right hand be some outer city kid elevated to greatness. He makes a lot of promises in that moment: she won't die. She'll get a chance to have a LIFE back, but now a life with all the power and security she could ask for. More than that, they could change things in this city. Give its residents better lives, improve things for all the little Karlachs out there. And after that...who knows? The Hells might be ripe for some conquest back. Gods know they've both got old scores to settle

-She takes time to think about it, and talk with the player. In addition to all the other hang-ups she might have this is where the Steel Watch comes up again, with her feeling like she's poisoned by that knowledge. A player trying to persuade her into taking the deal can point out, in the end its not so different from soul coins. Why draw the line now. If this Persuasion check is passed she can note that at least they could afford to be choosier with their victims, putting the worst baddies to use for the protection of everyone. That wouldn't be so bad....would it?

-You meet Gortash for a final time. If persuaded by the player to not take the deal (or if left to choose for herself with High Approval) Karlach will kill him where he stands. His soul rises in the form of Bane's Chosen and you have a proper boss fight. If persuaded to take it (or left to her own devices on Low Approval) Karlach will take the deal. This will mean losing Karlach from the party (with the exception of the House of Hope mission where she will appear Jaheira style) as she will be busy protecting Gortash. The player gains custom armor from Gortash and an assembly of Steel Watchers they can summon in the Final Battle.

-If she doesn't take the deal her endings play out pretty similarly to how they do in canon, either dying or returning to Avernus. This time, however, its with a new lease on life (or death). She's gotten to choose to be better than the things that dropped her here. She's still scared, still angry. But she's also proven something to herself. That Zariel and Gortash and them were wrong about her, and that she is much more than the mindless weapon they wanted to turn her into.

-If she takes the deal it unlocks a new ending for Gortash. Rather than come to the Elder Brain himself he will instead give you his Netherstone as a show of good faith, trusting you to take the chance to subdue the Elder Brain for your mutual rule.

-If the Player subdues the Elder Brain you and Gortash move it back underground, pretending to have defeated it and using the fear created by the mind flayer outbreak to rule the populace. Karlach in the Epilogue talks to you about how the two of you are making massive moves in the city. She seems to be trying very hard to convince herself at least most of the changes are positive....from a certain point of view.

-If the Player destroys the Elder Brain, Gortash skips town and takes Karlach with him rather than face his disgrace. In the Epilogue Karlach says he's starting to rebuild in another city state, "not tellin you where, though. Don't really think I want to have to fight you if you decide to come smash this one too....even though I'd definitely win." She seems extremely worn down in this ending and trying to cover it up. Gortash lost a LOT of favor with Bane having his plans blow up in his face like that and its made him. Snippy. Still, "its a living. And it probably wouldn't even be that if it weren't for him." The player can hint that it may be time for her to start moving on to a better environment, and she says only if she can find someone to do a more permanent fix for Ol' Rusty. Gortash still has to do check-ups almost monthly to keep her stable.

-She still keeps in touch with Dammon, though....who knows. He might have some new thoughts after seeing all the blueprints Gortash has drawn up....

[the-bi-space-ace]

Hey so I just read your mini essay on the complexity of Crosshair’s beliefs and experiences with loyalty (rip my heart out, why don’t you), and I’m curious about your insights into Hunter’s personality, because out of all of them, he’s the most difficult for me to get a read on. Like, he cares about Omega and the squad, but do we actually see much of his personality beyond the caregiver?

To me he doesn’t show emotional clarity/steadfastness like Wrecker, or loyalty like Crosshair, or duty like Echo, and ambition like Tech. He generally takes things in quietly and seems to have become more indecisive as the show progresses (which makes sense cuz the batch suddenly went from a 100% success rate on missions to “everything that can go wrong does go wrong”). But I want to know Hunter better!! What are your thoughts and opinions?

Hi! I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I just really wanted to think it through and post something in depth. I’m glad you read the Crosshair post (even if it did rip your heart out, I’m so sorry <3). To be completely honest with you I had no idea what to say about Hunter at first but I’ve given it a few days to think and I actually have a few things that I want to discuss.

Caveat that when I watch The Bad Batch I’m not usually focused on Hunter. Primarily because I just connect with the personalities of the rest of the batch more. There’s no problem with connecting with certain characters more than others, it is just personal preference 😊

Regardless, I have some thoughts, and I am genuinely so excited to talk about this after giving it a few days to think about what my full opinion is.

With the caveat in mind I have some opinions on Hunter that fuel my own viewpoint on his character and how I tend to write him in my own fanfics. To me Hunter has always been very… closed. Even in the Clone Wars he tends to stand back, be silent, only really speaking to give orders, question plans, or occasionally make fun of the rest of the 99. Despite the batch’s tendency to disregard orders and regulation (for better or for worse) Hunter has always thrived under direct understanding of where he stands. That’s why he works well with people like Cody and Rex. They give him clear… not exactly direction but something similar. He understands the rules. He knows how to break them. When the rules change with Order 66 he is thrust into something uncomfortable and instead of taking the problem and tackling it he just doesn’t do that. I am certainly not the first to point out that Hunter is avoidant. He always was.

He lets the batch get into fights and he doesn’t step in until he absolutely needs to. He doesn’t jump to defend immediately - typically, although there are exceptions.

(The way he defends Crosshair from Howzer in S3 E6 comes to mind. I’m still tossing that moment around as a repair attempt tbh. They’ve fought and hashed out some of the messy bits and now they are quietly proving to each other that they’re willing to patch things up.)

He lets his squad sort things out on their own and when it gets out of hand he’ll step in. Hell, I think the best example of this is actually when Rex punches Crosshair. Hunter never actually steps into that fight and I think it is partially because of this avoidant tendency. (The rest maybe because he knew Crosshair bit off more than he could chew and he was willing to let a swift right hook teach that lesson.) We actually see Wrecker step up to defend the squad more than Hunter does. This makes sense to me - Wrecker is big and intimidating and Crosshair and Tech tend to be mouthy. Hunter might be the sergeant of this squad but he certainly isn’t the sole protector nor should he be. (Hunter is still protective - the clones we meet tend to be - just not in the exact ways the rest of them are.)

This avoidance is why we see him ignore the Crosshair situation and latch onto giving Omega a normal life. I am not going to pretend that I like the way he ignores this situation but he reacted exactly how I expected him to. He was thrust into the unknown and without the proper rules he ended up throwing all of his attention onto one thing he felt like he could control. I’ve known plenty of people who do that. Hell, I’ve done that. That doesn’t mean it is the healthiest way to deal with pain or loss or grief. It’s a coping mechanism.

Once he’s sure it’s the chip controlling Crosshair he really latches onto this idea that if they just take the chip out then everything will be fine and dandy. In the same way that Crosshair latches onto this idea that if the batch just joins the empire that they can be whole again.

They’re both wrong.

You can tell he’s really internalized this idea of taking out the chip and everything fixing itself and when that dream is shattered he continues to disappear inside of himself. When things aren’t as simple as taking the chip out to bring Crosshair home he’s angry that suddenly this is more than just a simple fix and he doesn’t know where he stands anymore. There’s anger and hurt directed at him and the rest of the batch and he gets defensive because he thinks there shouldn’t be. He gets increasingly angry and much more confrontational than we’ve seen him be with Crosshair so far. Another worldview shattered, another chip in his already fragile armor, another reason to be fucking pissed. His anger at Crosshair finally pushed him into action, away from avoidance. Is it healthy? Still no. But none of them are really experts at coping. At least he’s letting it out. At least it is in the open. At least we are seeing his emotions bubble over onto the surface. That is what makes me personally interested. Those messy, painful, unhelpful emotions wreacking havoc and making things worse.

We see Hunter buckle down and let his anger fester. I think he continues to do that all the way through season 2 and his conflict with Echo isn’t helping. I have an entire post somewhere in my drafts about Echo and Hunter’s joint leadership but I’ll boil it down to a few points to focus them on Hunter.

Hunter needs a second in command especially now. He isn’t at his best as a leader and maybe that’s not really what the batch needs right now. The GAR is gone. Their lives are upside down. He needs support but he won’t ask for it - stubborn as hell he is. That’s why Echo really helps. I rewatched the seasons specifically to focus on Echo and I think we can see signs of his and Hunter’s joint leadership from the very beginning even before Hunter needs him for support. In a world of uncertainty you need someone to hold on to, someone to help make decisions. His conflict with Echo in season two is just making him more unsteady. The prospect of losing someone else and losing his voice of reason is wearing on him and it only gets worse as time goes on. Sure, he knows they can get by without Echo around but I don’t think he wants that. He was leaning on Echo and once they started disagreeing he realized that maybe he was going to either have to open himself up to relying on everyone else or close up again.

I’d wager that he chose the latter for the most part.

Hunter doesn’t like relying on others. He has this big idea in his head that he’s meant to be the one who has it down but… come on. None of us can do that. I’ve seen a lot of people compare Hunter to an oldest sibling and as the youngest of four I’m not sure I really have much insight into that particular notion but as the sibling who took on the greatest responsibilities in my home I feel this tug of responsibility to the detriment of yourself and others and I see you, Hunter. I see you and you need to stop.

Maybe that’s why I get so frustrated with Hunter in particular. I want him to grow out of this. I want him to change and develop and be angry and show his care more often. That’s part of why I loved S3 E5 so much. Hunter got fucking pissed. He was angry and he let it out and he shoved Crosshair and he showed just how badly he was hurt by everything. Fuck I love that. This is what I wanted to see. Finally he’s forgetting to keep it together and in front of Crosshair he is finally willing to lose his temper. Something really tells me that they used to lose their temper at each other because it was safe to. They clearly don’t know how to talk about their emotions and sort it out like many of us know or learn to - that will hopefully come with time and maturity - but they sure did know how to yell and use their strength against each other. So they fight. And they hurt each other. Then they make up and move forward because what else are they meant to do? They’re going to forgive each other. It’s how it always is - a given.

Hunter’s relationship to loyalty is not anywhere near the same as Crosshair’s but all of the batch end up having some relationship with it one way or another. There’s an excellent post floating around tumblr somewhere and I couldn’t find it to save my life (if you know what I’m talking about and can find the post feel free to link it somewhere) but it says something about how eventually the batch is going to embody the idea that they ‘don’t leave their own behind’ because they simply haven’t remained true to that sentiment yet - through lack of choice or active avoidance. They’ve repeated it a few times and yet the sentiment feels flat as they keep having to leave members of their squad behind or let them walk away themselves. Eventually they’re going to have to prove this sentiment and only then do I really think the show’s true theme can be accomplished.

I want to touch briefly on Hunter’s relationship to touch because I think it comes into play here (and it is admittedly one of my favorite things about him.) He uses touch a lot more than I think we give him credit for. Yes he’s closed off emotionally and he’s not great at talking but he does use touch a lot. He uses it with Echo for reassurance and as a factor to convince him of things often. A plan Echo doesn’t like? Shoulder touch. Echo is still new and Hunter is telling him he’ll get used to things? Shoulder touch. Saying goodbye, serious chat, acknowledging his worries? Touch touch touch. This man doesn’t always know how to use his words but he’s good at putting what he means into a physical reminder. What does the touch say? Loads of things. That he’s there, that what he is saying is not meant to hurt, that he’s pissed, that he’s listening. He does it with Wrecker and Omega and - thinking of their fight - Crosshair but I can’t actually think of an instance where he uses touch with Tech. I could have just missed it so let me know if there are scenes where he does this. He’s relied on physical reminders for so long that maybe words just… aren’t what he uses to communicate. You can feel the way his mood shifts when him and Echo are disagreeing by the way he moves him physically. It’s really those moments that I feel Hunter shines most because those moments are where he feels most open as a character - at least from my perspective.

I use his relationship to touch when I write him and, specifically, when that touch is rejected, what does that feel like for him? When I write him I look at it from a perspective of how he interacts with the world and what he thinks he can give to it. When his most comfortable form of communication - that shoulder touch we all tease about - is rejected and he can’t rely on that anymore what does that look like? Could just be the fact that I lean very heavily towards touch as a form of communication and repair but I focus on it a lot and it deserves a mention while talking about Hunter.

In truth, Hunter is hard for me. I see the avoidance, I see the anger, I see his pain, and yet I still have this feeling that I don’t really see him. What does Hunter really want? Because we’ve only ever seen him talk about what he wants to do for other people. But what motivates Hunter? We can say that it’s keeping his people safe or that it’s settling down or even just boil it down to Omega but what is actually under the surface there? For everyone else I can pretty much pinpoint what it is that motivates them but Hunter is a blank area for me. He says what motivates him but I am much more inclined to believe there is something else really eating at him underneath it all. I also want to suggest that maybe he hides behind doing things for other people to avoid feeling selfish. If he’s doing all of this to protect his squad then he’s not doing all of this because he wants to and it’s not a selfish decision. While I don’t think finding somewhere safe to settle down is selfish I get the feeling that maybe Hunter thinks it is for him specifically. Like he is not allowed to but maybe if it’s about everyone else then it’s fine. It’s always ‘Omega deserves better’ and ‘you betrayed us.’ Never ‘this is what I want and this is how I feel.’

Crosshair’s value system is very strict and at times harsh and unmoving. Echo has a sense of duty and protection that is strong enough to push him into action. Wrecker is motivated by the thrill of things but also by supporting his loved ones. Tech is curious and intelligent, seeking out new experiences and an interest in preservation. But what is Hunter’s motivation aside from ‘settle down’? That’s a goal, sure, but I’m not sure it’s really the right word to place on what he really wants deep down outside of what he wants for other people. I’m not sure I really know the answer to that question.

To make a long post even longer I’d like to see what Hunter wants when it is not connected to his service to other people. What is it that fuels him? Is it the serene calmness of safety that he craves? Being free from worry? Is it the freedom to make choices that he never would have gotten in the GAR? I’m almost inclined to say it’s a bit of everything but I still don’t really know and I would love to actually hear what people think the baseline motivator is for him personally.

[cfr749]

I love your 6x04 spec about Lucy's camera being broken and her being investigated! You should totally write a fic about that if you're inspired ✨️

hi anon - thanks for the ask!

So @literali1110 pointed out to me that there were footage from Lucy's camera after the fall, so doesn't look like this is the route they'll go 😂

I do keep circling back on how hesitant Angela and Nyla looked when Lucy made her suggestion, and it makes me wonder if they may end up questioning whether protocol was followed or something instead? Or maybe Lucy will simply struggle with her own feelings of guilt around ending up in that situation because she was trying to prove herself?

I am glad that there's not really any ambiguity about whether she had to take the shot and whether the guy was 100% guilty, because I think it would destroy Lucy if those things were in question.

I'm definitely feeling some angsty inspiration from Lucy's struggle this season; jury's still out on whether it ever becomes anything more than random sentences in my notes app.

Regardless, I'm gonna hijack this ask to ramble a little bit on why I'm actually okay with the choices they've made and the story they are telling for Lucy this season so far. Like a lot of people, I hate seeing Lucy going through a hard time and of course I want to see her be supported. Give me the scene with Tim in the hospital a million times over; I'll never get tired of seeing that she is valued and loved by the people in her life. We honestly haven't gotten enough of that for literal years.

We've seen Lucy go through so much. But in five+ seasons, we've barely seen Lucy be anything other than her sunshine-y self for more than a handful of scenes. Even more so in the last few seasons. It is beyond time the writers take the time to give her character more depth and emotional range. It is beyond time they turn her back into a character that is deeply empathetic and relatable to the audience.

It has sucked seeing more and more commentary on social media the last few seasons about Lucy being childish, silly, unprofessional, and even manipulative 😭. And I think that's a direct result of the lack of care and intention the writers have put into writing her character since she graduated the FTO program. She's been used as little more than comic relief and a plot device outside of the ship for way too long.

Gif Credit @livelovecaliforniadreams

While other characters have progressed professionally, Lucy has remained mostly stagnant since she graduated the FTO program, beyond a few UC missions that all pretty much ended the same way without doing anything progressive for her character (why didn't we see her struggle with the ethics of UC work when it came to using Aaron's puppy? why haven't they helped us understand how she reconciles her love for UC work to her empathetic nature and the reason she became a cop?).

I think of Lucy's journey in comparison to Tim's -- we've seen him go through awful things. We've seen him suffer. We've seen him struggle. We've seen him evolve and grow.

With Lucy, we've mostly just seen her go through awful things and move on as if nothing has changed. We all have our head canons, I think, about grief and coping and what's going on under the surface, but we don't actually know what she's feeling 99% of the time.

Do I wish they would have taken the opportunity to explore the impact on her character in the aftermath of DOD or after Jackson died? Of course I do. I would have preferred that to having to see her struggle professionally in the shadow of Nolan getting handed success for simply existing. (And if I thought they intended the juxtaposition, I'd give them credit for telling a realistic story, but I seriously doubt it 😂).

But I'm still glad they are taking the time to tell a story for her now. And I'm glad they seem to be doing it with intention.

And this was not at all what you asked about, but here you go anyway, anon 😜🥰

Thanks for the ask!

[cuprohastes]

Lunch In Space

Part 1

Wherein we are introduced to two of our main characters, the perils of interspecies cafeterias and the alternate uses of dog jumpers, and the Narrator is too self-obsessed to introduce themselves properly

4am, in the vast darkness of space, the lightless void that's darker than the stygian depths.

Apart from the stars. They're actually pretty bright. Famously so come to think of it. Also all the lights on the station, so you can look at it and admire it and spot any fresh new exciting holes that have appeared.

And if you're on shift, like me, use those handly lights to find the cafeteria and very carefully pick through the offerings because believe me, while Yarrick won't kill you, your body will basically say 'What the heck?' and treat it like a nice big plate of Silicone jelly and you will be experiencing a whole new and exciting set of sensations, and hey, sometimes you just have to clutch the toilet seat and scream a bit: We've all been there.

So I get my nice human safe food, and an extra roll of purple stuff that's not bread but it might as well be, and relocate my heiny to the big table by the window, the one that's always a bit chilly which is why me and Atrix and Atrix are usually the only ones who sit there.

I mean Atrix does because she's comfortable with a little extra cooling, and Atrix is there because he's not driving, he's just along for the ride.

"Yo." I say to my good buddy, the giant purple kangaroo dinosaur. She gives me a Yo back and dual finger guns.

Atrix the pocket lizard sticks his snout out and makes grabby paws at the roll.

I slide it over to his wifey, the purple lizard woman with the colour changing face and a degree in Astromechanics (Also horticulture, Art History and apparently, Interspecies erotica).

"You're over feeding him." Big Atrix says. Small Atrix grakkles. He has opinions and he really wants that bun, but then again if he gets too fat he has to move out, change gender and start paying taxes.

I also know that Godzilla here always skimps on the husband food because she knows I'll swing by with a little something something for her pocket hubby.

"Yeah well, someone has to be the fun Aunt." I say cheerfully. You're always the Aunt with the Atrix, regardless of gender.

I settle in, to eat a lovely meal of... what appears to be chicken flavoured... it's... hmm. Well, it's chicken flavoured and guaranteed not to cause anything to go a funny colour and fall off. It actually tastes great, but I'd describe it as being yes, a thing.

"So," I say around the food flavoured... stuff, "Picked a good solid Traditional Human Name yet?". My friend bobs her head again: Practicing her human physical emotes.

-This should be good. Atrix are good people but they don't have spoken names. They have a word that means 'I'm gonna show you name' then they change their face colours like a cuttlefish. They literally just turn into another person for a moment: This drives most species nuts.

Humans find it hilarious. Atrix can see the funny side. Humans and Atrix get along a little too well for everyone else's comfort and That's The Way We Like It™️.

Big n' Purple thinks about it, then says, "I was thinking... Gondolier Dottirsdottir, or maybe Luminal Effervescence."

OK so the Atrix tend to go for names that are just really fun to say. hence the Secretary General of the Combined Human-Atrix Interstellar Survey, a really big female with as much or more gravitas as a class two black hole - a very serious pocket pal all 'round - being named Pingbing O'Candyfloss.

I consider it. "People will call you Gondy, or Lumy." I point out to her as she feeds purple... bread-y stuff... to the iguana-sized male that lives in her belly pouch. He grakkles at me. He's a sociable little guy, quite chatty, I just have no idea what he's saying. Gondy grackles back and he does Upsies arms.

"Gondy. Ahm-hum. That sounds good. Gondy." she says trying it on. I can see she's definitely enjoying the mouth sound.

She hauls her hubbins out of her pouch, which is covered by her overalls and a big apron flap so he can sleep or play games on her phone.

"Did you... put him in one of those dog jumpers?" I ask as she puts her guy on the table. He looks smug and shows off. It's a small, chihuahua sized Christmas sweater. It's currently May, or close enough. But I'm not going to harsh his mellow. The little dude's obviously stoked to be a fashionista.

Gondy bobs her head looking pleased. "I'm thinking he should be Raxyplank Magellan. Raxy's a cute name." she says.

Raxy looks up and says "Rax!" around a mouthful of hubby food. Well, I can't fault that. At least he gets a name he can say.

For an Atrix male, he's pretty adventurous - He'll talk to people and even come out and walk around if he can keep one eye on Gondy.

Traditionally, or "Back in the day" - Several tens of thousands of years ago, until an Atrix got big enough to be safe, there was a good chance that something would camper up and make a meal of them.

So they have a general resistance to being out in the open, where it's cold and there might be cool alien eagles or space-lizard foxes.

Luckily when they get big enough they develop pouches and to they pick a male out and carry them around for safety and to have someone to talk to and hold shiny rocks (I'm a bit fuzzy on the finer details), so you almost always see two Atrix, even if one of them is usually hiding.

And now Raxy is hanging out with us like a regular little dude and getting crumbs on his ugly Christmas sweater. It is in all ways a pretty nice moment.

Anyway that's about when the station blew up...

[twow]

okay no one asked but here's my engage thoughts and musings:

i'm split so far. while i'm certainly glad they're bringing back a level of campiness that i thought 3h lacked, i worry that it'll lean too much into the campiness and silliness and we won't get many emotional or serious moments from the supporting cast. so far none of the characters seem to have any depth, altho it's absolutely possible that they're just hiding that in the clips and trailers and it'll be present in the actual game

alear will almost certainly be the 13th ring. when they're good they'll have blue hair and when they're evil they'll have red hair. see the newest serenes forest analysis as to why there's probably a 13th ring + we see all-red hair alear at the end of the last main english trailer. plus marth's hair turns red when he's in the hands of the evil group. it all adds up and makes sense

i worry about the story. i think fire emblem's stories are the best when they involve the politics of the nations and have complex stories. mindlessly evil shadow organization + evil dragon has no appeal to me and it worries me that that's all we've seen of the story so far. since this is (allegedly) an anniversary game they may have relied mostly on fanservice and written a lackluster story. ofc, like i said above, they could just be hiding it

i'm not 100% sold on the art style, but the animation itself looks great. the models are far more expressive than the 3h characters. but yeah i don't love the baby-face anime models in general. overall a huge visual upgrade tho i think it looks great

the character designs are really fun! i'm not a fan of all of them (skunk girl and the xenoblade twins are especially egregious imo) but in general i enjoy them

our first male dancer! yay!!

i hope there's s supports for everyone or no one. i REALLY hated that byleth was the only one who could s support, it felt way too self-inserty. if alear can s support, everyone should be able to

re: s supports, if they are in the game i want explicitly gay s supports for non-alear characters. none of the player-sexual BS. if two characters can s support the same gender version of alear, they should also be able to s support with each other. i think everyone should be able to romance everyone regardless of gender but i know it's not realistic. also ofc this is all contingent on s supports happening at all but man. i just want good lgbt rep in fire emblem

the voice acting is sooo bad so far im sorry. framme, veyre, and hortensia are the worst offenders, like im serious go back and watch the english trailers. all three sound like 6-year-olds which is incredibly creepy (im sure it's loli bait) and it's incredibly grating

the throwbacks are super fun and it'll be really cool to see some old maps, music, and characters brought back. i just hope they don't have a recency bias and give the old games enough love too

i REALLY hope that chrom, robin, seliph, alm, hector, and eliwood make it into the game as DLC bracelets. even if some of them have to share it, they need to be in a game where all the fe lords are present and it would be wrong if they weren't. shez would be cool too but def not necessary considering he'd be the FIFTH 3h rep when all the others have 1-2. i also wouldn't be shocked if you could switch to the other gender of avatar characters so maybe even sixth if you include f!byleth as a separate character. anyway please add the other lords :) i also hope they don't go the fanservice route with the DLC. no camilla ring please

on the subject of DLC i hope that important story content isn't locked behind a paywall. i thought it was terrible when fates did it and i'll hate it if engage does it

also in general i HATE day 1 DLC. imo if you have finished DLC ready day 1 it should be in the base game. that being said i have pre-ordered it 🤡

SUPPORTS FOR THE EMBLEMS PLEASE. idc if it's just with the engage characters or with each other they need SOME support content.

also i hope the emblems get costume changes like the 3h characters can change to their war phase outfits or ike can change between his por and rd outfits. or even just let them have the customizable options that regular units do.

soren reference please

also just references to the emblems' games in general i think they should act like a real person would and TALK about their original worlds and their friends and family and stuff. even giving them unique dialogue with certain bond rings would be soooo epic please fe please do this one thing for me

idc about the gacha system as long as it uses in-game currency that you can't buy with real money

fe4 remake tease. please please please i need that game remade or ported i need to play it on a modern console

i am excited :) new fe games are almost always fun and i'm looking forward to it. i'm cautiously optimistic even tho this post is pretty negative. i'd rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed. unless some earth-shattering news about it comes out it's a day one purchase

[amphibious-entity]

TMBS Book 1 Brain Dump

~An Embarrassingly Long Post~

I don’t know why I’m writing this or why I’m so determined to do it. Maybe to finally assume my true form and become a mega dork on main, or maybe just for fun!

This is basically a compilation of all the main points running through my head after reading The Mysterious Benedict Society (2007) for the first time. Rather than posting a ton and spamming the tag, everything’s here in one neat package! (hopefully this gets it all out of my system rip)

Contents:

The Book Itself

The Book Itself, for real this time

The Characters

A Funny Parallel

The S.Q. Section

Lines & Scenes I Liked

Spoilers abound!

The Book Itself

Upon acquiring the first three books (don’t judge me pls), I was surprised at just how long they are. Like, they’re still pretty light being paperbacks and all, but these books are hefty lads.

The first book has this Disney+ Original Series circle thing printed on it, which is kind of unfortunate. Regardless, I love the cover illustration and yellow is actually my favorite color :D It made me weirdly quite happy whenever I saw the book lying around in my room

Also, it’s really cute how there’s a letter from Mr. Benedict at the end! (It only reveals that you can find out his first name if you “know the code”, meaning the bit of Morse printed below the summary on the back.) Shock and horror, though, as I realized I’m starting to recognize some of the letters

The Book Itself, for real this time

It’s wonderful how the tone of the book really shone through to the show adaptation. Something about the deliberateness of the aesthetic, from the set designs to the fashion to scene compositions, that really sells that particular style— like it’s very clear that this story is being told to us, rather than one we’re seeing unfold, if that makes sense.

Where that narration style stood out to me the most was the first chapter. We are told (rather than shown) how Reynie gets himself to the point of the second test, and there’s this whole twisty time maneuver for that whole sequence of events that’s really interesting

A super secret fun fact about me is that I wanted to be a writer when I was younger! So this particular balance of show vs. tell is really neat, since it runs counter to my own tendencies. The sheer amount of commas in every sentence is also kind of comforting, since Ahah, I Do That in those few serious-ish attempts at writing lol

Overall this book’s style reminds me a lot of Roald Dahl’s books, which are very nostalgic for me :D The whole “kids are more competent than adults” angle helps a lot too haha

The Characters

Oh boy here’s where I get a little bit critical! Overall I did really like this book!! it’s just that that expresses itself in all this weird “”analysis”” lol

Reynie - much better in the books than in the show

It’s sort of a lukewarm take but I feel like show!Reynie is kind of boring? He doesn’t have a lot going on flaw-wise, and obviously since he’s the protagonist he can’t have too many weird traits or else the kids watching can’t project themselves onto him as easily

(I call it the difference between an aspirational protagonist and a vessel protagonist. Going off of the Roald Dahl vibes, think Matilda vs Charlie. show!Reynie is more of a Charlie)

Thus when we get to see him really struggle with the Whisperer and doubt himself it gives him a lot more dimension, at least in my opinion

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

Sticky - my son

I’ve long held to no one besides myself and my long suffering sister that Sticky is The Best Member of the Society

He happened to hit a lot of the Bingo squares of Stuff I Like In Characters: glasses, anxious, nice :), kind of a coward but ultimately is there for his friends, etc

For some reason I don’t talk about him nearly as much as you-know-who, but I love him just as dearly

Kate & Constance - I don’t have much to say

Kate is really interesting in this book! I like how we get to see more of her depths, in particular that one passage about her belief that she is invincible being the only thing that keeps her from falling apart? :c

Also her constant fidgeting is relatable lol

Constance is somehow a lot more tolerable in the book. I think I’m just one of those people with no patience for small children, unfortunately lol

(Some of) The Adults

It’s interesting that they had such an offscreen presence for most of the book. Giving them more time was probably one of the stronger changes of the show

However if that decision was made at the expense of the white knight scenes I think the choice should have been clear

I like the way Rhonda and Number Two are written

Milligan always on sad boy hours 😔✊

The “mill again” passage is touching but kind of messes up the pacing of the getaway, at least for me. Maybe I should read it again to make sure I didn’t miss something

Miss Perumal is much better in the show. We see so little of her in the book she doesn’t function well as an emotional anchor for Reynie, imo

The Institute Gang

Jackson and Jillson serve their purpose well, and Martina was surprising to say the least. I like the direction they took her in the show! I can’t imagine how funny it must have been to watch the tetherball subplot come out of nowhere lolol

These sections were written out of sequence, so random tidbit I couldn’t fit in The S.Q. Section: I like how he stumbles over his words. relatable

Mr. Curtain

While I think I know why they decided to not give Curtain the wheelchair in the show, we were totally robbed of Actor Tony Hale’s performance for the reveal during the final confrontation

Speaking of the wheelchair, it’s such a powerful symbol of his need for control or rather, his fear of losing it

The Contrast between him and Mr. Benedict. This point is expanded on in A Funny Parallel

Mr. Benedict

Oh boy, Mr. Benedict… How do I say this

I find it hard to trust Mr. Benedict, unfortunately

I mean to say, I do in the sense that I know he would never hurt the kids, thanks to knowing that a) this is a children’s book series and b) the meta (tumblr) states that he is really nice and lovable and stuff, but seriously. Why do the kids trust him at first?? I probably missed something somewhere

I like to think I’m an optimistic person, but unfortunately I’m also super paranoid. The premise of “a bunch of vulnerable orphans team up with a strange old man” is just so odd to me I don’t know how to explain it

I don’t know!!! I really want to trust Mr. Benedict

One of the strengths of the show is that we get to see him more often, and thus he gets to acknowledge more often that the plan is weird and that he feels really badly for putting the kids in danger and that he’s trustworthy and genuine

But his lack of presence for most of the book just makes him into something of a specter, invisible and unknowable, speaking only in riddles from across the bay

Which is why the white knight scene is so important!! I loved that scene ;-;

Because here’s an actual emotional connection! We can actually see it happening, rather than only being told that it exists

Reynie asking for advice and receiving encouragement, in words that demonstrate that Mr. Benedict actually cares about him and worries about him and agghh

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

But overall this whole issue didn’t ruin my enjoyment of the book at all! It’s just ->

A Funny Parallel

Okay, ready for my biggest brain, hottest take ever??

Mr. Benedict and Mr. Curtain…. are… the same

I mean obviously not entirely, given that one is benevolent and kind and the other is… Mr. Curtain

But seriously. Genius old man seeks out children (mainly orphans) to enact a plan. Said children often end up incredibly devoted to his cause and deeply admire him this is a little flimsy

Undoubtedly that’s intentional and is supposed to show the difference between them, like some kind of cautionary tale? “Let yourself be vulnerable and let others help you, lest you turn eeeeviiillll”

I guess that’s where the aforementioned epic contrast comes in. You get Mr. Curtain, strapped into his wheelchair and hiding behind those mirrored sunglasses, terrified (but unwilling to admit it) of ever showing the tiniest hint of vulnerability, vs. Mr. Benedict, who can let himself fall knowing that someone will catch him :’)

Anyhow I have nothing against the parallels, I just think it’s funny

The S.Q. Section

The S.Q. Quarantine Thread so it doesn’t leak out everywhere else <3

I’d like to meet the emo angstlord genius who read this book and decided to make SQ into Dr. Curtain’s son. What in the world

Okay I should probably preface this by saying that I absolutely adore both book!S.Q. and show!SQ with all my heart. Somehow, despite being a completely different character in both mediums, he has managed to be one of the best characters in either and certainly one of my favorites (besides Sticky of course) in the entire franchise, despite the fact that I’ve only read the first book/watched the show so far. I am confident in this statement.

But seriously! How?? Why?? I could probably write a whole other essay about why show!SQ is such an interesting character, and the change works so incredibly well. I’m just. Baffled

Okay, focus. book!S.Q. is such a sweetheart, oh my goodness. Like, 100% one of the most endearing characters in the book. Poor guy. I don’t even know where to start!!

He just seems to be a genuinely good guy at heart, despite being technically one of the bad guys. He’s genuinely happy for Reynie and Sticky when they became Messengers and helped Kate when she “fell” and was concerned about Constance when she looked sick and how he was in that meeting with Mr. Curtain and Martina?!!? aaahhhhghgh ;-; he just wants people to be happy TT-TT

Comparing him against literally every character at the Institute is probably what makes him so endearing tbh. When everyone else is so awful to the kids, it really makes him stand out. Like a cheerful little nightlight in the worst, most humid and rank bathroom you’ve ever been in

It’s kind of pointless to theorize about a book series that’s already concluded (I think?) but. Is the implication of S.Q.’s forgetfulness supposed to be that Mr. Curtain used him in brainsweeping experiments somehow? The timeline probably definitely absolutely doesn’t line up but like. How did he get to being a Messenger being the way he is now, given how cutthroat the process is? And then of course Mr. Curtain keeps him around as an Executive because he’s fun to mess with and presumably his loyalty. I’m very curious as to how their relationship develops in the other books, if at all. Those are probably where the seeds of the “let’s make them family” logic were planted

But wouldn’t it be hilarious if the reason we don’t know what “S.Q.” stands for in the books is that he just. Forgot

Another thing that occurred to me. Given that he and the other Executives were Messengers at some point, what were their worst fears? What is S.Q.’s worst fear?? Inquiring minds need to know

One last horrible little anecdote: I was thinking about book!S.Q. while eating breakfast, as one does, and suddenly it hit me.

I want to believe The Author Trenton Lee Stewart had the name for a character, S.Q. Pedalian, and was like, “Hm! What sort of quirky trait should this young fellow have?” Because, of course, in this style of fiction every character has to have at least one cartoonish or otherwise distinguishing trait to stand out in the minds of children. (For instance, Kate has her bucket, Sticky has his glasses, Constance is angry, and Reynie is Emmett from the Lego Movie)

Anyhow, he looks around the room, searching for inspiration. Suddenly he comes across a jumbo box of plastic wrap. Completely innocuous in design, save for one line of text. 300 SQ FT.

“…large… S.Q. …feet? THAT’S IT!” i’m sorry

Lines & Scenes I Liked

In no particular order!

Sticky quotes Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Evil combination aerobics/square dancing in the gym with the Executives

Everyone being happy at the end :’)

Everyone partying after Sticky reunites with his parents, and later finding Mr. Benedict asleep at his desk from the moment they shook hands :’’)

Literally any scene with Sticky in it

Any time Kate says “you boys” or “gosh”

[“Um, sir?” S.Q. said timidly, raising his hand. “A thought just occurred to me.” / Mr. Curtain raised his eyebrows. “That’s remarkable, S.Q. What is it?”] clown prince of my heart </3

S.Q.’s determined monologue about searching for clues after he bungled up the first time

Literally any scene with S.Q. in it (please refer to The S.Q. Section)

Reynie trying to resist the Whisperer.

[Let us begin. / First let me polish my spectacles, Reynie thought. / Let us begin. / Not without my bucket, Reynie insisted. He heard Mr. Curtain muttering behind him. / Let us begin, let us begin, let us begin. / Rules and schools are tools for fools, Reynie thought.]

NO MORE HURTIN’ WITH CURTAIN

Milligan showing up on the island!!

Remember the white knight hhhhhh

“controle”

A Super Secret Bonus Section

I would be extremely surprised if anyone read through all the way down here lol. Regardless, here’s a little acknowledgements section :D not tagging anyone since I don’t want to bother all of these people

Special shoutout to tumblr blog stonetowns for unknowingly yet singlehandedly demolishing my reluctance to read the books by posting a ton of cute quotes. Thank you for your service o7

Thanks to the two OGs that liked the post I made right before this one, for being my unwitting enablers and for sticking around despite being a) technically an internet stranger (hello!) and b) someone I haven’t spoken to irl in literal years (hey!!)

Last but not least thankz 2 my sister for putting up with me ranting about the book when I first got it and for asking about “CQ” sometimes lol. (i desperately hope you’re not reading this orz)

[bthump]

Guts attempting to, you know, Casca felt unnecessary, especially because female characters (Casca included) are subjected to this way too often and it feels out of character for Guts to do that.

yeah ia

My biggest problem with Guts sexually assaulting Casca, I think, is that I do kind of think that within the context of the Eclipse rape happening it's necessary. The point is to show that Guts is succumbing to his own inner darkness and it's not any better than Femto or the other monsters Guts fights. And I do think Miura needed to show that.

The problem comes back to the Eclipse rape lol. Maybe you can argue that it makes sense that Griffith's inner darkness is expressed through sexual violence when he turns into a monster, or maybe you see it as pure lazy, gratuitous shorthand for evil (we all know which side I fall under, but tbf I do think you can read depth into it if you try).

But regardless, Guts' parallel assault of Casca is 100% gratuitous and unjustified, characterization-wise.

Like I complain a lot about how Miura defaults to rape to illustrate humanity's evil blah blah blah, and that's true in the case of boring one dimensional enemies like trolls and bandits, but honestly one thing I do like about Berserk is that inner darknesses are actually expressed in a lot of different thematically-relevant ways.

Snake man ate people and was a dick nobleman who exemplified treating people as commodities. Slug was obsessed with killing heretics out of revenge and obsession with the circumstancs of his sacrifice and probably fear of his daughter's corruption and potentially self-hatred as well. Zodd roams battlefields looking for someone strong enough to fight him. Wyald's a rapey dick who likes to have a good time, but also a strong illustration of the power of fear. Rosine's narrative had some cruelty of childhood innocence elements as well as just wanting an escape to a paradise. Eggman was lonely and isolated and othered and turned others into monsters like him because of it. Mozgus is obsessd with righteousness. etc etc etc.

Griffith's inner darkness, pre-Femto, was illustrated in his willingness to do anything to achieve his dream, self-harm, happiness when a kid gets killed, smiling and pretending to be invulnerable, talking himself into risking Guts' life during the second duel, downplaying the emotional toll the Hawks' deaths take, repressing his feelings w/ Charlotte, etc.

Guts' inner darkness is illustrated in his willingness to do anything to kill a monster, self-harm, using fighting as a way to repress his feelings, torturing enemies, downplaying the emotional toll the deaths of children take on him, telling a kid to kill herself, etc.

Until suddenly out of nowhere his evil jimminy cricket is telling him to rape and kill Casca, and he loses his shit and almost does.

Getting possessed and strangling Casca, now that made perfect sense for Guts. I could easily see him physically harming her, lashing out and nearly killing her in a bloodlust, all that. But Guts' inner darkness had nothing to do with sex before this, except mmmmmaybe, arguably, in the same way it did with Griffith, ie emotional repression ("don't think about those things, all you need right now is to feel alive,") and even then emotional repression has nothing to do with the sexual assault scene in question.

Not only that, but Guts doesn't even get a reaction lol. He had a flashback and emotional breakdown after consensually fucking Casca, but sexually assaulting her warrants nothing, apparently. Like if you need just one thing to point to to show that it's gratuitous as hell, there you go.

The only reason Guts tried to rape her is because Femto did - spelled out directly in black and white text on the page even - so once again something that objectively sucks as a writing choice in Berserk is all because of the Eclipse rape lol, and could've been a whole lot better if Femto did something other than rape Casca to prove what a bad dude he is.

(Actually the one thing that makes Guts assaulting Casca make some semblance of sense is if you assume Guts is redirecting his desire to fuck Griffith at her, because of the aforementioned emotional repression context, because of like, everything about how the beast of darkness frames it as a way to get closer and closer to Griffith lol, and because of Casca's role as a weird intermediary between them. Still sucks if it happens to be a deliberate writing choice though because a) you can't hinge something as huge for a character as committing sexual assault on gay subtext and b) you also definitely should not. Plus the way it’s portrayed is still completely ooc for Guts.)

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther with me; or what if dean and cas got together offscreen

Originally, I wrote this post to celebrate “Galaxy Brain” airing as Berens & Glynn gave us “The Future.” It’s been a while since that episode aired, and some things have changed about this meta. As such, there are multiple versions of this post floating around, so make sure to go back to the source for the most up to date version.  For all intents and purposes, this post functions as a meta manifesto not unlike shipping manifestos from days of LJ past. In keeping with that tradition, this post is a close reading of Dabb Era Destiel in which I argue that by using narrative gaps, queer coding, and romance tropes, Dean and Cas are shown to be in an established relationship. Although beyond the scope of this post, it’s worth pointing out that keeping Destiel mostly off screen was a way for the creatives to bypass network censorship while still remaining true to the characters.

This post is divided into three sections. Section I focuses on giving an overview of why earlier seasons of Supernatural aren’t as compelling as season 12 as a turning point for Dean and Cas’s relationship. That said, special consideration is given to 09.06 “Heaven Can’t Wait” as a potential rest stop in our journey due to it’s significantly placed narrative gap as well as themes in the episode. However, this post isn’t going to examine season 9 trutherism in depth, though it does coexist with and allow for it. Section II analyses season 12 and proposes a timeline and justification for the shifting Destiel dynamic. Finally, Section III will offer an analysis of how Dean and Cas’s relationship has changed dramatically from previous seasons in a way that is most like the shift from a “will they or won’t they” pairing to an established one. 

Before I move to Section I, I’d like to note something this post takes for granted: Dean and Cas are the main romantic subplot of Supernatural, and, in fact, their relationship is elevated to main plot for both characters in season 15. This post won’t argue about the canonicity of Dean and Cas’s feelings for each other, therefore, and so won’t spend time looking at many Destiel defining moments. I’d also like to make clear that this post also takes for granted that Destiel is being intentionally developed by the writers starting with Carver’s Era, and more so in Dabb’s. 

I. Why Seasons 4 through 11 May Not be It

The tl;dr. here is that while there are many moments throughout these seasons that Dean and Cas could potentially get together, none of those moments are ideal for a bunch of reasons that can be summed up as really bad timing. I also think the narrative is actively pushing them towards a moment that works. We get plenty of stepping stones, especially once we hit seasons 8 through 11 (and 11 most of all).

Seasons 4 & 5:

I know there’s been a lot of get together fics over the years set in this time period, but I just don’t see it. Do I see them being intrigued and drawn to each other? Yes. Do I think either Cas or Dean would act on it? Nope. I’m not arguing anything re: Dean’s feelings, but with everything going at the time I find it hard to believe he’d pursue anything with his angel friend. Most importantly here, though, is that during this time Cas was still very alien and other. There was too much angel in him, and while he obviously came to care about Dean (and Sam) very much, I just can’t see him navigating the realm of human relationships. That said, seeing human!Cas in “The End” is the first we see of potential developments for how Cas could behave without his angelness interfering. Being human changes Cas a lot, beyond even his experience existing among humans, though that of course matters too. This development will be important later /wink.

Seasons 6 & 7:

Before anything else let me just recognize that if we could see some sexual tension in seasons 4 & 5, these two seasons come with our first taste of romantic tension. The pining! Also note the difference between season 4 Cas and season 6 Cas in terms of behaviour. He is much less the angel we saw in that barn in “Lazarus Rising.” In season 6, we have a Cas making misguided decisions guided entirely by his emotions – namely, not wanting to involve Dean with the war in heaven – which is peak human, honestly. Put a pin on how sad Dean is in both seasons with Cas’s absence. Finally, put a pin on this being our first moment of Cas doing things on his own to spare Dean and it not ending well (soulless!Sam, Cas “dying” after Leviathan) because this is *the* hurdle in their relationship (along with Dean’s lashing out and self-worth issues). With all this said, the marked distance between Dean and Cas in these seasons negates the possibility of them entering into any kind of relationship. Much like seasons 4 and 5, there’s too much going on.

Season 8:

Ah, yes, the summer of purgatory. If you thought we had pining before…! I think we’re all very clear on season 8 being a turning point for the show, not only because new showrunner, but we also get the bunker. TFW now has an HQ, which pretty soon becomes home. Yes, Baby will always be home, but the bunker becomes the *unmovable* safe haven that Baby couldn’t be. The bunker is a place to coalesce, and for all the amazing things Baby is, she is not that. The acquisition of the bunker marks a shift in the psychology of the show: with the stable home space we can start to imagine domesticity, a place to come home to, the stuff of ordinary living. Most of all, the bunker is emblematic of security, of safety –keep this in mind, as we go forward.

This season also continues to see Cas go down the path of independently solving his problems instead of asking for help from Sam and Dean (his family in a way heaven never was) – note that the better together issue is at play in different ways with Sam and Dean also, but I digress. I also want to point out disastrous instance #2 of Cas’s insistence on figuring it out on his own: he loses his grace, and the angels fall. As for Dean, season 8’s focus for him has much to do with Sam, and them coming face to face with their issues with codependency, which hit catastrophic levels with the gates of hell and Gadreel plots.

So despite all the deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much distance between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 plus slaughtering angels plus unleashing Leviathan. We do see Dean being more emotionally open with Cas and continue to voicing his wish that Cas would just stay with him and Sam, and let them help. It’s clear as day how much Dean cares. The timing is still bad, though.

Before moving on to next season, let’s take a moment to appreciate that this is the season Dean admits being kinda done with one night stands because “always with the adios.” Remember the bunker as a sign of stability? Yeah. I wouldn’t say Dean is craving a relationship, exactly, but I think we can see that he does want something more (ahem also I’m nodding to Cas refusing to stay put just cause).

Seasons 9 & 10:

The most important thing to happen between this two seasons is Cas’s stint as a human for an extended period of time. There’s been plenty of spec and meta written over the years about the effects of being human on Cas’s grace (a proto-soul now maybe?). What we can say for sure, regardless, is that Cas is much more humanized once he becomes an angel again. The understanding he gets from being human doesn’t go away once he regains his angel powers. You’ll notice that while we still see some of season 4’s characterization, Cas is not the same as he was – he is alien to angels now and is more intelligible to humans. Additionally, in an interesting reversal from previous seasons, we now get to see the depth of Cas’s feelings for Dean (thanks, Metatron) as well as seeing him be more open emotionally, while Dean does most of the pushing away (first because of Gadreel, then because of the Mark of Cain). In short, the timing is still bad as Dean and Cas are largely kept apart both physically and emotionally.

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait

This episode is my white whale, friends. While I’ve come to fully subscribe to the idea that something did happen between Dean and Cas during the fanfic gap, I don’t actually think it’s feasible that it marked the start of a relationship -- be it sexual or romantic. My reasoning here is quite simple: the timing is bad. Were it not for external events (Cas regaining his Grace and Dean taking on the MoC), the course would have likely differed. Furthermore, Dean’s guilt over making Cas leave the bunker as well as Cas’s own hurt and self-loathing pose a significant and as yet insurmountable obstacle, which is easily seen with how Dean and Cas’s character trajectories go separate ways.

YMMV on what exactly happened between them in that Motel, but something definitely did. Perhaps one day I’ll have a proper s9 trutherism post to link to here for more details (likely won’t be written by me, though). 

10.16 Paint It Black

From the point Dean gets the MoC until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible due to distancing, to say the least. Again, yes, the fic is really good, but alas. One of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. One, it’s a rare bit of explicit emotional honesty from Dean, and two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the Thing™ between them, it’s still uncharted waters. It’s scary, and murky, and they’re unsure how to navigated it or if they should even try. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6. Anyway, he’s the full confession:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. […]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. […]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Can I just say, first, that this confession keeps me up at night because we never actually see anything done with it explicitly? I mean, obviously, I think we do in fact see the effects of this confession in the show, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this behemoth, but still, like. Damn. Ok, so, remember when I brought up that thing in season 7 about Dean being kinda done with hook-ups? Here’s where that led us. We’re seeing a Dean here who wants more than what he has convinced himself he gets to have. He wants more than dying bloody. And when he talks about wanting to experience people and feelings differently, well, that says a lot not just on the queer coding front or the romantic front. I mean, jfc, Dean is accepting the idea that he can have more in life than just hunt until he drops, and he’s specifically talking about experiences at the interpersonal level.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more and maybe he can make himself be open to that (!!!), which all culminates in season 11, so…

Season 11:

The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Lucifer (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems: Cas checks out with Lucifer because he thinks it’s the only way he can help, Dean is caught up in the turmoil of Amara, the emblem of absence and avoidance of struggle. We do get something like an affirmation from the two of them to each other via Dean calling Cas his brother (and I want y’all to consider the historical queering of that statement, and Cas’s “I could go with you.” It feels like we’re headed to them being on the same page. By the end of the season, though, it feels like we’re getting a clean slate: Mary is back, nobody died, no end-of-the-world in sight, no interpersonal crisis. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. We’re gearing up for something, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What this season does that is super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible.

11.04 Baby

Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? That conversation between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development regarding the issues Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That’s awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we’re lucky we still get that at all. SAM: Really? You don’t … Ever want something more? DEAN: I’m sorry, have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But … Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

We wouldn’t be talking about this stuff all these years after Sam and Dean had a serious relationship if it wasn’t important, right? Also who else do we meet this season? That’s right! Eileen! And doesn’t that hit different with season 15 hindsight? And who does Dean have that understands the life? Whose stories have been intricately connected to his? Right now, this is all conjecture. A pipe dream Sam is revisiting, and Dean is skeptical about. Except, well. Look at what we get in “Into the Mystic” and “The Chitters.”

11.11 Into The Mystic

I’m bringing up this episode as a cross reference to “Paint It Black” as well as to complement the talk from “Baby,” and to show, again, that, for all the closeness between Dean and Cas, there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. There’s still truths they haven’t told each other. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin’…If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years on the road, it’s when somebody’s pining for somebody else. […] Oh, don’t try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters

And here we see some validation to Sam’s imagining of a possible future with someone else. We actually see hunters who not only are married, but they both make it out alive. Jesse and Cesar get their happy ending. They make the dream come true. And the reality of it important not just for Dean to see, but Sam too.

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too, that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13.

Alright, now, having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in season 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point, in hindsight, after getting smacked by the domesticity of seasons 13 and 14.

II. Why Season 12

[Out of date section. Update coming soon when spoons. After significant debate, I’ve altered the definitive start of Dean and Cas’s friend-with-benefits-with-mutual-pining relationship to between 12.02 and 12.03. I briefly explained why here, and yes it’s a shitpost--still true tho.]

Finally, the promise land, y’all. Getting right to it: what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. That is, until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker and with the exception of seasons 13 and 14, it’s one of the first times we get to see how Cas might actually fit into the bunker-as-home. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. What we also see this season is Cas trying to prove he is worthy of this family, his family. He’s not fighting for heaven or to right some grievous wrong (a la s8). No, this season he’s fighting to spare the Winchester, to bring them a win. To bring Dean a win. The major disconnect is that Dean (and Sam & Mary) already sees Cas that way, he doesn’t think Cas has anything to prove. And just maybe, Cas starts believing that too – or, at least, believing it enough.

12.10 Lily Sunders Has Some Regrets

This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim).

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it. Oh, and, of course, let’s not forget to point to Dean’s face when Cas says that “I love you,” and how terrified he is that Cas is dying. Might make one rethink some things, hm?

12.19 The Future

This episode is simply hella suspicious, and all the kudos to Berens and Glynn for writing it. It’ll haunt me forever. Consider watching it again and just questioning everything. So. Weird things:

1. Dean’s reaction to Cas no getting in touch as opposed to Sam’s. Dean is pissed, which is Dean-speak for worried out of his mind. Sam is very worried, too, and puzzled, but he’s mostly expressing his relief that Cas is back. But Cas has gone awol before, but this time Dean is much more worked up about it; Sam takes note of this, too. Now, let’s imagine that maybe the events of 12.12 led to something happening between Dean and Cas. Then Cas decided to leave to find a lead on Kelly, but eventually Cas decides to work with Heaven and goes radio silent. For days. Having taken a chance, and something having happened between them, how would Dean react to Cas just going poof and not contacting him – despite Dean having called Cas multiple times.

2. Cas knows about the Colt. Ok, nothing off there. But when he goes to Dean’s room to talk, right after Dean leaves we see Cas looking around briefly. Like he know Dean would keep it in there. Maybe Cas had looked other places already. Who knows. What we do know is that eventually he does find the Colt not only in Dean’s room, but under Dean’s pillow. Sam didn’t even know the Colt wasn’t in the safe. So how did Cas know?

3.“He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But can you see Cas actually doing that if they hadn’t gone there previously? For Dean not to suspect anything and go with it? There’s plenty of plausible deniability here, but the gaps in time in the narrative make me question what is there in those spaces. The scene where Cas tried to give Dean the mixtape back doesn’t read like “playing,” so it’s about a different interaction. Hm. Hmmm.

4. Dean and Cas’s brief conversation in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together – because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth, but also ow.

5.And most importantly: When did Dean give Cas that mixtape??? How did that happen?

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him – Dean is clearly shook by it – Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) – Cas goes awol - Dean acts like he got ghosted by his new bf -?????- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow – "He went into my room and he played me."

What am I supposed to do with that, hm? Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But YMMV, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication.

III. Seasons 13 through 15 As Established Relationship

Regardless of what happened in season 12, exactly, I can’t shake the feeling that something did happen, and something did change. My reasoning here is actually really simple: in comparison to previous seasons, Dean and Cas’s dynamic shifts significantly come season 13. I know some folks have been disappointed with some of season 13 and then season 14 for having dialed back on the destiel side of things. And, hey, maybe there’s truth to that in terms of backstage stuff, but I also want to point out that...well, the dialing back isn’t quite dialing back is it? Let’s look at 13 a little more closely:

Season 13:

So I said the deancas dynamic changed, right? I also think that change caught us unaware because the pivotal turning point that would cue us in never happened on screen as well as being subsumed by Cas’s death and Jack’s birth. But if I ask you about deancas in season 13 what would come to mind? Grief arc? Brokebacknatural? How domestic Dean and Cas are? There’s just something easy about their relationship after Cas returns from the Empty. The tension we’d grown so familiar with over the years is gone. Actually, it feels like we skipped the getting together bit of their relationship and went straight to established relationship and parenting. Some of the most peak married deancas moments we see circulating? Season 13, (and 12.10). It’s a lot, and it’s different, and it’s amazing.

13.01-13.05

Dean’s grief mini-arc. He was acting like a widower. Here’s me vaguely gesturing towards the mapping of Jonh, Mary, Dean, and Sam onto Dean, Cas, Sam, and Jack. And the reunion? I can’t help but be giddy at the song choice: “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying.

13.06 Tombstone & 13.16 Scoobynatural

I’m not going at length about these episodes, I just want to point out that they reveal that Dean and Cas have a whole thing going on off screen: they watch movies together, Cas knows about Dean being an angry sleeper, Cas seems to have been aware of the Dean-cave before Sam was. It’s little things like this that are examples of the narrative gaps surrounding Dean and Cas that have cropped up over the years. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wonder what else could be hiding there. And when did the movie nights alluded in “Tombstone” happen? Maybe in season 12 when Cas in hanging around the bunker? The same period when Dean and Cas seem to be coalescing into something safer and more stable? Something that we never see come to a head because plot happens and Cas dies? Something that is immediately taken back up once Cas is alive again?

Season 14:

Overall, this season is more of what we got during 13, but it had two high notes I wanted to single out before ending this already too long post.

14.15 Peace of Mind

Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t couple-y as hell.

14.18-14.20

Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established, and unaddressed, rift between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here: he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? What if Cas died again? And why should Cas put up with Dean’s behavior without knowing the cause? How can any relationship work this way? But notice how caught in the middle Sam was during all this. Notice how Jack is running off and acting out. The whole family is falling apart. Divorce arc, indeed.

Season 15:

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will-they-or-won’t-they because they already have. We’re are watching a getting back together plot! The tension is, instead, will-they-or -won’t-they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. That’s the crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned twelve fucking episodes -- y’all, that’s half a season.

And technically? We’re not even done with yet because Cas never let Dean finish his prayer/confession in purgatory. What’s more, Cas hasn’t grappled with his role in the breakdown of their relationship, either: that he keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. We’re waiting to see what else Dean had to say, and what will happen when Cas’s deal with the Empty comes to light.

Finally, could we still have this plot without Dean and Cas having gotten together off screen? Sure, but I think the stakes are higher if they already did have something between them. If they actually have an established romantic relationship going on. Something real and tangible and as of yet much too fragile.

"...you asked what about all this is real. We are."

[sleepyjuniper]

HI! I am June, and I love movies! I've been working on something, and I don't usually post my work because I don't get a lot of views, but I feel what I've written here is really important, and I would very much appreciate a read, and maybe an upvote if you enjoy what you've read! I've really put my heart out on the line here, and it would be great for it to get some traction, so a movie I care about greatly can finally get some recognition.

So, Home is now back on Netflix. As a result, the passion I've always felt for this film has been rekindled, and now feels like the perfect time to bring it back to attention, to get it the praise it truly deserves. To explain, I was watching it last week and I suddenly had an epiphany. I suddenly connected more with Oh's character than I ever had before, and every little detail in the movie started to pop out at me and further strengthen this feeling. I became so obsessed with the depth of it's heavy emotional scenes and gorgeous visuals that I immediately got to writing. It gets a bit tricky to collect my thoughts every time I try to address what this writing actually is; it's not necessarily an analysis, not necessarily an essay, because it lacks direction and a real conclusion, or motive, I guess. I'm simply going in depth into the scenes that I think are most pivotal to Oh's development as a character, and providing my own personal insight into how he's thinking and what he's feeling, based on the evidence I am able to glean from what the movie shows me, rather than tells me. I'm picking into each scene and bringing to light the specific details that make it so powerful to me, and how these details allow me to fully understand and connect with the characters in a way I can't with other films.

But regardless of what it is, the more in depth I go, the more it speaks to me, and the more I understand it. The more reason I have to believe that Oh has a perfect character arc, which is so well written and perfectly pulled off, that it creates a movie that is authentic, heartfelt, and complete in every way. There's simply no other like it. Now, with no further ado, let's get into it.

Every good story starts with an introduction to the main character. The beginning scenes of Home introduce us to Oh's character perfectly. They depict him as an adorable misfit with a propensity to make mistakes, who just wants to make friends. We learn that he is widely disliked by the rest of the Boov because of his differences, that he adores Captain Smek, and that he believes Boov are best at everything. We learn a lot about his personality too. All the Boov look similar, but he is much more animated than the other Boov, moving with more energy, and appears to be in a perpetual state of excitement. He’s the only Boov we see smiling at first, and what really sets him out is the way he emotes. While most of the Boov carry neutral expressions, their eyebrows relaxed, his eyebrows are constantly raised and his eyes are wide, making them stand out much more prominently. His color changing also adds an extra layer to his character, allowing us to see even deeper into what he's feeling at any given point during the movie. The movie can tell us more, with less words. It is immediately apparent to the audience just how different Oh is from the rest of his people; we can clearly see from the get-go that Oh's emotions work differently than the rest of the Boov. And this only adds to the impact of later scenes, as he starts to experience more complex emotions and venture further into unknown territory.

When the starting conflict of the story is introduced, we learn about the first real challenge he needs to overcome. He made a mistake, and is now on the run from his own people, who want to arrest him. Right now, his motivation is simply to avoid capture. It can be assumed that until now, Oh hasn't faced danger alone. He's likely faced danger while the Boov were running away from the Gorg, but he was always facing the threat with the rest of his species. This is the first time he's been completely alone while running from something, and it's all his fault too. We can pick all of this up from context, and feel sympathy for him and his terror, which is very much justified.

When Oh and Tip first meet, they start out not liking each other, and have conflicting opinions. Oh believes the Boov are more advanced than humans because Smek said so, and he doesn't understand why Tip cares so much about one human. Conversely, Tip hates Oh because his species is the reason she's separated from her mother. They are agreeing to work together out of common interest, that's it. Oh has promised to help Tip find her mom, but he does this only to avoid capture. These scenes are full of fun quips and hilarious antics, as the movie starts to build up a foundation for Oh's character dynamic with Tip. What the movie conveys to us is that these two characters don't know each other, and don't have any interest in listening to and understanding each other.

Things really pick up later in the movie. Oh disappears for a long while, and when he returns, Tip yells at him, and he stops in his tracks, looking genuinely astounded and confused by her anger. He was especially shocked that she was afraid he'd been hurt. We can actually see the moment he does a double-take at the realization that she had been worried about him. Likely, no one has ever worried about him before. For the first time, we see him actually absorb what she's saying, listening to her with a curious expression as she tells him to try and put himself in her shoes. Tip explains to him that kids aren't supposed to be by themselves, and that the Boov's arrival ruined everything for her. When Oh says that Boov don't have families, she remarks that it's no wonder they take things and don't care about anyone else. This gives him pause, and he appears to think carefully, before speaking. No amount of explanation can really do this scene justice, so a direct quote of his monologue is needed. He says: "So, your mimom.. is a very important humansperson to you. More important than others. To not belong with her.. causes you being sad. But, recent moments ago, you are kicking on me and yelling. Which is seeming more to be mad than sad." This gives us the first true indication that Oh is trying to be more open minded. Tip tells him to try and feel how she feels, and he does. With genuine sincerity, he's trying to understand how Tip can be feeling two emotions at once. Tip looks surprised by his sincerity, and has no energy to continue talking, but she listens, and she gets back into the car when he's finished. Not only does Oh state out loud that humans are more complicated than he thought, this scene is important because it's the first time they have anything close to a genuine moment of understanding. Simply put; he sees her react in a way he didn't anticipate, is perplexed by it, and pushes aside his own belief that he already knows everything about humans, and just asks her questions to understand her better. It is the first small sign of growth we get to see from him.

Tip and Oh gradually warm up to each other more over the course of their next few escapades. Oh explains to Tip why he's in trouble, and Tip realizes he's sad, and cheers him up by teaching him about jokes. They make a plan to give Oh a makeover so they can sneak into the Great Antenna without being caught, and Tip seems amused by his antics rather than annoyed. In the Antenna, Oh helps Tip find out where her mom is, and Tip hugs him. He looks surprised and uncertain for a moment, but quickly adjusts to it and even smiles, turning orange and hugging her back. From the information we have, we can extrapolate that this may or may not be the first time he's ever been hugged, due to the Boov's aversion to both Oh and physical contact. This is the most affection Tip has expressed with him so far, and he seems to just melt into it. He also looks as if he wasn't ready for the hug to end so abruptly. It's a sensation he's unfamiliar with, but immediately decides he wants.

This is when we see Oh, specifically, starting to trust Tip a bit more and even maybe like her, and their escape from the Tower shows them working with a newfound chemistry as they outsmart the Boov. We can tell Oh is scared at several points during the scene, because his yellow coloring indicates it, but he's also grabbing onto Tip as if it gives him reassurance. He trusts her enough to at least find comfort in her presence, which is something that wasn't true of their relationship in the beginning.

Following the events of the Eiffel Tower scene, Tip starts to talk about her mom, excited to find her and maybe even come back to Paris. When she turns around, Oh is standing further away and looking at the now wrecked central command, his skin displaying a dejected blue color. What does he have to come back to after everything is over? Tip knows where she belongs, but Oh would never be able to go back to the Boov in safety after his mistake. He is questioning his belonging. Tip notices he's sad, and attempts to cheer him up. It doesn't work, but Oh does something that surprises Tip. He apologizes to her. During the confrontation with Smek, Oh finally realized how Smek was wrong for causing the misunderstandings between Boov and Humans, and that he would never accept any Boov for showing individuality. Oh acknowledges everything that he previously thought about humans was wrong, and that Captain Smek was also wrong. He even looks ashamed to tell her that in the beginning, the Boov thought humans were simple and uncomplicated, and that they needed the Boov. He tells her he thinks the Boov should never have interfered with Earth, and that he's sorry for how it affected her. He doesn't say anything during his apology that would guilt Tip into responding a certain way; just gives an honest apology, and allows her the freedom to decide how she reacts. This is something that's incredibly meaningful coming from Oh. He's not trying to get anything from her, he's just apologizing for something he was complacent in and is now feeling regretful about. It's raw and heartfelt. She hands him the keys, and he looks surprised at first, then gives a huge smile, holding the keys close to his heart and turning orange.  

The following scene is perhaps the most important one in the film, and is incredibly impactful. Accompanied by the gentle tune of a song that slowly gets louder as the movie switches from dialogue between characters to simply visual storytelling, we watch as Oh and Tip take turns driving, and exchange vulnerability with each other, both describing their own experiences with being misfits. We see them laughing together, taking selfies, and just in general enjoying each other's company. Tip completely accepts Oh for who he is, and in turn he lets his walls down, and is finally able to be himself. This is a real bond they've formed. They are truly friends. Both look nothing alike, yet have so much in common.

Finally, we see Oh taking his turn driving at night while Tip sleeps, and he goes to tuck her back in when her blanket falls down. As we hear Kiezca's 'Cannonball' playing in the background (and on the radio) he takes a moment to appreciate the things in the car, discovering he does indeed enjoy them. Finally, he adjusts his mirror to watch Tip sleep, and we see him slowly turn a brand new color: pink. If you were to recap his life so far, the significance of this moment becomes clear. Oh is outgoing and friendly, but he's never fit in in his entire life. No matter how hard he tried to fit in with the Boov, he simply had emotional needs that the rest of the Boov did not, and as such they did not care about or recognize his need. Tip is the first person who has ever listened to him and gotten to know him, and accepted him for who he is. She's his first friend. In this moment, he is looking at Tip, and he's feeling something he's never felt before: love. It feels like a part of him he's always been missing has finally been found. For the first time in his life, he feels like he belongs.

We find Oh further appreciating Tip's qualities when they find the Gorg super-chip; he was afraid to go towards the ship but she convinced him, and when it worked out he realized that her idea had worked out better than his would have. He realized he can achieve things through being brave rather than giving up; essentially, if you don't even try, you can never succeed. You can see in his expression after Tip smirks at him that he was surprised; he realized he had faced his fears, all because of Tip's help.

We see a monumental backslide in his progress when he leaves Tip instead of staying by her side and fulfilling his promise. His greatest challenge is revealed to be that he's still not brave; not brave enough to put his faith in the one he cares about, not brave enough to face his fears and stick by her no matter what. We do know that he's terrified; both of being left alone, and of losing Tip. He has just found a sense of belonging with Tip that he's never felt before, and he can't bear to lose that. He tries to bring her with him, and she feels betrayed and breaks off the friendship. The detail that went into this scene makes it incredibly impactful. It's raw and filled with emotion. For context, during the course of the movie, we only see a Boov go pale in the face during a few very intense situations, and said pale-ing was usually followed by fainting. This suggests that a lack of color is indicative of a much stronger, primal emotion: dread, or pain. When Tip turns and leaves, he loses pigment. He blanches, and staggers. There's a physical impact of Tip's words on Oh. This isn't simply sadness or fear he's feeling, it's anguish. It's his world falling apart, his heart breaking. He is quite literally torn in two, as he looks back and forth between his best friend and his chance at escape, changing rapidly from red to yellow to blue and back again. It emphasizes his turmoil; the panic he feels at seeing a rapidly closing window to decide what action to take, before he turns back to what he's always known, running away. There's high stakes on both sides, and we as an audience can feel his pain, as he displays clear indecision and helplessness at this impossible choice.

As the Boov travel farther from Earth, bringing the Gorg with them, Oh and Tip have never been farther apart. As the Gorg mothership closes in, everyone runs to the other side of the ship; all except Oh, who stares it down. He knows he can save everyone. He pulls out the super-chip, his gaze hardening with determination, and runs against the flow of the crowd to plant it in the control panel. Everyone stops to stare in disbelief, crowding around him afterwards, curious to hear him speak. Smek tries to ostracize him for acting unBoov-like, and Oh directly challenges him. He tells the listening crowd that he used to believe what Smek said was right, but he'd learned things that said otherwise. He talks about the human he met, and how she's smart and brave, and has an emotional capacity for caring for others that Boov lack. During this monologue, we see his skin turn pink again as he talks about Tip, reminding us as that he does still care about her. This also reminds him of his own actions, and he turns blue, concluding his speech by saying that the Boov may be better in some ways, but not in the ways he thinks are most important now. He realizes that Tip has strengths that are/would have been useful many times for the Boov. This is when it becomes apparent that he's regretting leaving; Tip made him stronger, and he now knows he can be as brave as she is. 

Which is why it's an incredible payoff scene when he is made leader. He's surrounded by Boov who are cheering for him, but he feels lonelier than ever. He wanted to be accepted, but he wasn't ready to be looked up to. It doesn't feel right, he doesn't belong here. When he watches the view of Earth grow smaller as it fades into the distance, he actually cries, and catches a tear as it rolls down his cheek, a pensive look crossing his face. He pulls out Tip's keychain, and all in one instant he realizes why he's so miserable. He doesn't feel like he belongs here, because he belongs with Tip. It's where he's meant to be. He turns pink, looking hopeful, and in the next scene he turns up on earth, by himself, and finds Tip. It's not really necessary to explain why this is an important development; we can see everything there is to be said in the way they compose the scene. There's also the parallel shots where we see Tip and Oh both pushing through crowds and both looking completely alone despite all the people around them, emphasizing that they need each other. Oh just had to figure out he could follow Tip's example, what he'd learned from her bravery, to realize he could still salvage things. He realized a life feeling alone among the Boov was worth nothing, and a life with someone he truly cares about is worth facing any danger, no matter what may come. 

Oh and Tip are reunited, and he tells her what he learned, that he realized she's his friend, and he belongs with her. You can see from the look they share that both of them feel this way. They've come full circle, to a full understanding and acceptance of each other. 

Oh helps Tip find her mom, finally fulfilling his promise, and when the Gorg attack and he realizes it's because of the Boov, he tells Tip he's fixing his mistake, protecting the reunited family by making it so they're unable to chase him and be put in danger. He loves Tip, and he wants her and the human she cares most about to be safe. He's not about to let her risk losing that. So, bravely, yet stupidly, he runs to the Gorg mothership and holds up the thing they've been chasing the Boov for all this time. He tries to do it on his own, which is a major sign of his growth as a character, but the only reason the Gorg actually see him is because Tip has his back. He was fully prepared to sacrifice himself. When the ship is closing in on him, and the dust and sparks are blinding him, he turns around, and sees Tip running to him. He smiles, his trust fully in her; if he doesn't get out of this, she can save everyone else. He throws the rock to her before the ship covers him, choosing to put his faith in her in what he believes to be his final moments. He went from caring only about his own survival, to caring about the survival of his best friend, and wanting Tip to help make peace with the Gorg so the Boov and humans can be safe as well. 

After we see Tip mourn for Oh before it's revealed that he's okay, she pulls him in for a hug, and he immediately embraces her back, then over Tip's shoulder we see him looking at her fondly, smiling, and he turns a vibrant pink as he closes his eyes and leans into the hug. Just by the look in his eyes in this scene, we can see that he's fully appreciating this being who cared about him enough to listen to him, to stand by him and stand up for him, and run after him when he's in danger. In this moment, he's getting a second chance to embrace her, when he went in not knowing if he'd ever see her again. In this moment it was all worth it. Because he looks at her, and he is home.

[getofy]

as you are loved by another

genre: angst; tsukishima x gn!reader | wc: 1.2k

—a/n: hello! this is long overdue but tysm for 100 followers aaa. it means a lot that people enjoy my stupid headcanons/word-vomits. as a gift i offer you: this angsty kei fic that i wrote in the wee hours of the morning. is it good? questionable. am i happy with it? not necessarily. however, posting this seemed better than scrapping so here we are </3. enjoy!

cw: brief mentions of death/funerals; self pity/deprecation; no spoilers; one-sided pining; hurt/no comfort

—synopsis: in which tsukishima’s not sure who he hates more: your new boyfriend or himself.

edit: i made it so when tsukki refers to ur boyfriend, it’s in italics. im so sorry i forgot to do that before.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

—Tsukishima had never considered himself to be a hateful person, and yet, here he was: laying in bed on a Friday night, thinking about you with him, and allowing levels of unprecedented envy to bubble up in his chest.

This was not how he had expected his night to turn out.

One moment, he had been doing homework at his desk, and the next, his mind was wandering to today at lunch when you giggled after receiving a text message from your insufferable boyfriend. The memory lasted for only a short moment, but it was all it took to make his head spiral. He had tried to control it, but once his brain got going, it was hard to get it to stop; eventually, he had to retire from being productive to rotting on his mattress.

Generally, Tsukishima was good at keeping sentiments such as these at bay. But it’s been getting harder to do that now, especially since you and him have been so affectionate together recently.

The cruelty of it all leaves him feeling burned by the fire of his jealousy, and a natural disaster of his own making plays out in the depths of his heart as he studies the intricacies of his bare, white ceiling. A song by some band he couldn’t bother to remember the name of emits itself loudly from his phone speakers while the middle blocker desperately tries to stop his train of toxic thinking. He rolls from his back to his side and lowers the annoying music’s volume; not even the most incredible lyrical masterpiece could pull him from the devastation the conflagration of his emotions had been causing him as of late.

And, besides, the sound was giving him a headache. He preferred to brood in silence.

The intensity of his feelings irritates him. Despite his outwardly antagonistic exterior, Tsukishima had always believed his tendency for total apathy would take precedent over any other negative emotion—including jealously.

Tonight, however, was proving this preconceived notion of his character completely wrong.

This wasn’t the first time he’d wasted his night thinking about you and him. Ever since the day you had giddily announced your new relationship, Tsukishima had been allowing himself to become more acquainted with the green-eyed monster, and this evening, he relishes in its company more than usual.

Pity parties like this—which was shaping up to be the worst one to date—had been happening to him more frequently. Feelings of contempt had become his newfound obsession in the sense that they consumed his very being. Hating him was easier than hating himself, and he enjoyed it. The only downside towards living so sullenly was that it made him realize that, more often than not, guilt was a close companion of unwarranted negativity.

Tsukishima knew better than anyone else how outrageous his feelings were. And feeling this way did trouble him, but then again, how could he not be envious?

Seeing the way his hand wrapped around your waist. Recalling the way his fingers traced little shapes into your hands. Remembering the way his eyes followed you as you walked out of the room—as if Kei’s hadn’t been the ones that did that first. It was all just too much for him to bear. Knowing that he made you happy in a way that he could not.

The overwhelming knowledge of his inadequacy makes the middle blocker want to double over in anguish, but he won’t, not yet. He is much too proud to allow himself to display such sorrow, so he’ll settle for feeling hatred tonight instead.

Of course, he knows that he’s in no position to be feeling this way. You were never his, and he had never shown interest in changing that. It was only a matter of time before someone swept you off your feet and gave you the affection he had neglected to provide you with. This whole situation was very obviously his fault. If he had been brave enough to confess before he had, maybe he’d be the one you loved instead. Or maybe not. Your new boyfriend was absolutely perfect for you, and Kei was anything but.

This was so tirelessly aggravating. Why did you have to be stupid and date somebody he could never compete with?

White-hot resentment flows through his veins, and he’s not sure if it’s directed at you, himself, or the man you love. Regardless, one more second of this suffocation, and he thinks it’s likely he’ll die by the morning time. The thought of it makes him laugh, and it temporarily lifts the burden on his heart.

Maybe his funeral would be green-themed. That wouldn’t be so bad—he quite likes the color. Or maybe his tombstone would say something like: ‘Tsukishima Kei: A son, a friend, and someone left gasping for air after being smothered to death by the tight grip of unjustifiable envy.’

Wouldn’t that be something?

Tsukishimas mind betrays the light-heartedness of the moment ruined when, bitterly, it wonders how much you’d care if his death—albeit a metaphorical one—actually did happen.

You probably wouldn’t be too concerned, especially now that you’ve got...someone who isn’t himself who would happily help to console you as you grieve. You were always gushing about how your new boyfriend was such a good listener. One kiss from that guy would probably make any pain you felt about his own fictional death go away in an instant.

Not that he would blame you. Tsukishima thought himself to be pretty forgettable. And he was anything but.

Why reminisce on the underwhelming memory of his own life when you had someone who shone so much brighter than he ever could to focus on instead?

He hates this—the way he let it get this bad. What was wrong with him? He was acting like an entitled child watching other kids play with a toy he wanted to play with. And he hated himself for it. You were a person, not a possession. And even if you were, you were still not his to have.

No, you belonged to someone infinitely better.

Someone who made you smile bigger than he ever could. Someone who made you laugh harder than he ever would. Someone who he despised—second only to himself—more than anyone else in the world.

As he rests in the still of his room, evaluating how intelligent he could possibly be after doing something as stupid as falling for one of his best friends, Tsukishima Kei decides that while he may hate your lover, he hates himself more.

A strange melancholy replaces his previous feelings of jealousy, and his typical level of self-loathing cranks it’s way up to 100. There’s a growing ache in place of where his heart should be, and Kei shakily brings his hand to clench at it. When the pain does not subside, he deduces that his current level of grief was inconsolable. Wearily, the middle blocker shuts his eyes close and allows himself to escape to the bliss of sleep.

Maybe, he’d be able to outrun the misery of loving you as you are loved by someone else in the world of dreams.

He hopes he can.

*do not repost my work without proper credit and my explicit permission.

a/n: again, i apologize for not being super active (mental illness goes hard), but i’ve been feeling better so hopefully that changes! likes + reblogs are always appreciated and feel free to give me constructive criticism (i know i need it lol). i hope you enjoyed.

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[pfreadsandwrites]

congratulations on 100+ followers!!🥺❤️✨ bless you and your quality content ahhhh and thats a really good list of prompts there i actually had trouble picking one... but, since im truly a sucker for angst at heart, can i please have a number 15 with Kakashi?👀 please hurt me lmao thank you, and congrats once again!❤️

100 follower celebration

Yes, i used this mangacap. 

Anyway, ahh @enchantedpendant, I’m so sorry I’ve kept you waiting so long for this! I know you expressed excitement over me writing something angsty way back when I first began the celebration event and ugh I’m just sorry it’s taken so long. And thank you for your support as well. You’ve been so amazing and encouraging right from the start and I’m so grateful :) I really hope you like this... if ‘like’ is the correct word.

Oh - also, to the anon that also requested this exact prompt (great minds think alike, huh?) I’m planning on writing a different version for you! But yours is the penultimate or last one so I’m hoping this’ll tide you over in the meantime! 

This is my first piece after being unable to write for a while - forgive me if it’s rusty. I worked hard on this but I also struggled to all hell with it. It’s a circular-ish/montage-y piece. And I could have made it short, focusing on the scene itself, but I wanted this to have an emotional impact, ya know? I hope it worked! Please let me know what you think. Or if there are any mistakes.

warnings: character death, angst, miscarriage, sad feels all around, female reader, mild violence and sex mentions but nothing explicit, 2.9k

taglist: @madaras-housewife @datblobbyfish @praisingkuroosbedhead @allthingskakashi @enchantedpendant @ibukiirisha @cinam00n @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @tachibrii @drunkenfists

15. “Don’t die on me - please.”

Why did it always feel too soon, each time he let you go?

You remember it, the first time it happened. 

How could you not? Little, insignificant, as it might have been to some - to him, if he could convince himself - to you, it was momentous. Lasting only a second, where his calloused fingers had brushed against yours, softer than his, yes, but no less enduring. The normally aloof eye, the only one he seemed to show without hesitation, was intent, the obsidian endless in its depth. 

But - out of courtesy to him, or some kind of self-preservation - you’d paid it no mind. Or kept up that pretence, anyway. You found your footing as quickly as you’d lost it, stumbling away from his support no matter how reluctant you were to do so. The gratitude you’d muttered was enough and it seemed like you’d made the right choice; when that quietly shrewd eye of his turned away from you and his strong hands let you go in the same movement. He never let you bask in your own clumsiness, but that somehow made you feel worse. His nonchalance was excruciating. As if he hadn’t just saved you and made it look effortless. As if his touch alone hadn’t frozen you in place. 

As if it never happened at all. 

(It never should have happened at all.)

But still, you remember it. The moon’s luminosity the perfect backdrop, illuminating that wild silver hair as he turned away from you. 

(It was all so disgustingly poetic.)

It took longer than it should have for you to turn away in kind. But you did. Eventually. You made the awkward trek back to camp before him, the internal rambling of your self-berating your only company. It grew louder each time you looked back, stealing little glances against your own will.

It was so loud that you didn’t notice much else.

Not even Kakashi stealing glances back at you, for instance. 

***

Why did your breath hitch,  even when the air had never been more tranquil?

You remember. 

How he always did that, you still don’t know. Perfect timing, though you never appreciated just how perfect until he was gone again. 

(You should have learnt to count your blessings.)

Without a trace, and so quickly, unceremoniously, that the entire encounter might well have been a mirage. It still might have been.

(Maybe it’d been better that way.)

 You’d had enough. You didn’t think it through much further, and your desperation triumphed over your cautiousness as you sought out the bar exit. The mission, against all odds, was a success. And, against all better judgement, you were dragged along to the accompanying celebration. The atmosphere should have been infectious, you should have smiled more, you should have enjoyed yourself. 

Then again, you couldn’t find much to celebrate. Mistakes - your mistakes - had piled up. Your team completed the mission despite you, not because of you. The liability, not the heroine. 

(In hindsight, would it really have been so terrible if things ended for you there?)

You’d exhaled dramatically as you made your escape, a feeble attempt to expel all the guilt and shame you’d retained, or tried to retain, up until now. 

You still remember the lilt of his voice, smooth and somehow jovial, but never losing that gravelly undertone, as you walked around the corner. How could you ever forget it? No matter how lax he sounded, or tried to sound, the severity lurking underneath always cut you deep.

Are you alright, he’d asked, already knowing the answer. With that signature one-eyed smile, he pretended to believe your response. And you pretended, in turn, that his smile didn’t have had the effect on you it did. 

You didn’t exchange that many words as he walked you home, but somehow, it was enough. Though he was always careful with what he revealed, it was enough. He understood - much more than he let on, you suspected - but it was enough.

You didn’t hate yourself quite as much anymore, and - well, it wasn’t too much of a stretch - it didn’t seem like he hated you either. Something in the way his hand squeezed your shoulder, lingering for a moment, just before he saw you off. Was he reluctant to let go? 

Maybe. 

You slept better that night. 

You’d find out later, that, miraculously, Kakashi did too. 

***

Why did you feel so secure, sharing in all that suffering?

You remember.

(Why had you been so stupid?)

You’d almost dropped your flowers, when you saw him standing there, facing the memorial stone. It shouldn’t have been shocking; you’d heard gossip, in passing, about how much time he spent here. You’d also heard, in passing, how late he tended to be. Putting two and two together, you never held the latter against him. 

You understood, after all. You'd understood all the more as your eyes bore into his back. Something in the way he curled and uncurled his fists, the way he sighed, the way his straightened back gradually hunched. 

As far back as you could recall, your attitude to graveyards was… ambivalent. You’d avoid them whenever you could, not out of any tendency to be spooked or anything like that. You just couldn’t bring yourself to leave. It was peaceful, to be immersed somewhere so solemn, with such dense air - but the gravity of it also chained your feet there like an anchor. You knew each time you were there, regardless of your own volition, wouldn’t be the last. So if anyone were to empathise with this particular way he chose to punish himself, it was you.

(And now you would take it on twofold in his stead. What a joke.) 

“You don’t often come here,” he’d said quietly, matter-of-factly. Devoid of judgement, though he didn’t bother to face you. 

“No. I probably don’t spend as much time here as I should…,” your voice trailed off, and found new confidence, when you watched him stare at that stone. Hopelessly. You didn’t know all the details. But you didn’t need to. All you knew that it was simultaneously frustrating and pitiful. “And you probably spend too much.”

This time, he glanced back over his shoulder. You couldn’t exactly see through his mask, but he seemed… amused? “How do you figure that?”

“Call it a hunch.”

He chuckled, satisfied, and stepped back to give you room. “Then, I guess we balance each other out.”

“What a pair we are.” 

“Right. Well, I better-“

You still don’t know why you decided to grab his wrist that day, when he turned to leave. You still don’t know why you couldn’t bring yourself to let go, either. 

You still don’t know why Kakashi decided to stay. 

***

Why did you flit so rapidly from anger to elation, and why was it always because of him?

You remember.

In hindsight, it had been your fault. 

(What the fuck else was new?)

Retreat. Get out of here. It had been a simple order. But it had felt impossible, when the enemy appeared from behind, jutsu blaring, its raw power visible, that disgusting snarl on its wielders’ face - aiming for him.

You didn't think. You couldn’t think. You leapt in front of the attack within seconds, and your plan ended there. 

The same couldn’t be said for your captain. With his signature finesse, with a rare scowl - you couldn't tell who it was aimed at - you were moved away, and the enemy deflected, in the same movement. 

The battle had come to an end shortly after, through no fault of your own. It took all you had, but you bit your tongue as he scolded you, in front of your comrades, quietly healing your wound. 

You had acted for his sake. 

(How futile.)

Apparently, that meant nothing to him, not even worthy of acknowledgement. It wasn’t like you had expected gratitude - but for a man known for his stoicism to blow up, and because of you - it made you livid in turn. 

The journey back had been silent, seemingly just so you could bask in your own shame. 

So, when you were back in the sanctuary of your home, nursing your injury, your failure, and your pride - you hadn’t expected to hear a knock.

Nor had you expected him. Headband missing, brow furrowed and glaring at you in that way you couldn’t understand, much less accept. You’d made a mistake - of disobeying orders, of recklessness, of caring - but why the hell did he care in turn? 

“What?” You had hissed, unable to contain the outrage of his interruption of your little haven. Not that it made it any easier to look at him. “You’re here to admonish me again?”

“What the hell was that?” He growled in turn. “You disobeyed my orders and almost got yourself killed.”

“I-,” your voice shook, tears pricked your eyes - he was right, even if it pained you to admit it, but it wasn’t fair. The space between you had shrunk. He was so close now that you saw the rise and fall of his broad chest beneath his vest - apparently just as outraged as you. You had never seen him like this before. “Why are you so mad at me? I was just trying to - I thought-”

“Am I supposed to factor in every one of your impulses? Why did you do that?”

You remember how you heard his heartbeat, pounding - pounding just as loud as yours was. And it depleted your inhibitions. “Because - because you were in danger, you asshole!”

You remember how he had gently grabbed your injured wrist, just as you were about to shove him. You’d anticipated his reflexes, but you couldn’t have anticipated his expression, when you finally met his gaze. You remember how swiftly he’d pulled down his mask, but you couldn’t have anticipated just how breathtaking he’d be, either. Nor how it could feel when he kissed you - finally.

When Kakashi moved to pull away, of course, of course, you moved to pull him right back. 

 ***

Why did you always let him leave?

You remember.

(If you knew how it would end, you never would have let him. Better still, maybe you never should have let him enter in the first place.)

Safe.

You’d never felt so safe. 

When he’d appear and reappear at your apartment - the window, never the door, despite your half-hearted protests - waving with that stupid, adorable, one-eyed smile. He knew you’d saunter over, sliding it open with a matching grin, every time without fail. 

(You always did. That much, you did.)

When he’d laugh, when you told him about your mishaps. You’d laugh at his in kind - though it didn’t suit you, and you replaced it with your usual sympathetic ear. When you’d accompany him to the memorial stone, and pull him way just at the right time. When he’d pull you away, too. 

(What a fool.)

When he’d unmask himself around you, and you pretended not to notice, like it didn’t floor you. When you watched him struggle to decide whether he was relieved or offended. When he kissed you, in that indescribable way that wavered between tentative and determined, soft and powerful, usually choosing the perfect time to flit to the latter, making your knees buckle in the process.

(What a fool.)

When he’d undress you, and no matter how desperate he’d seem, how he always paused to take you in. When he’d move in you, filling your heart and body so much that you thought you might burst. When he’d hold you just that little bit closer, tighter, longer every time.

(What a fool.)

Even when he’d leave, sometimes after you’d fallen asleep, sometimes before - sometimes in the morning - when he’d leave for a day, a week, a month - you felt safe.

Because you knew, in the deep recesses of your heart, that each time you saw him wouldn’t be the last.

(What a fucking fool.)

You remember the first time he said it. Quietly, earnestly, unceremoniously. 

“I love you,” Kakashi had murmured into your ear one night, when he was so, so sure you were sleeping. 

***

Why did you ever dare think you had any cause for optimism?

You remember.

The two lines, glaring upwards and through you, from that unremarkable little piece of plastic. They’d ran parallel - you thought it apt, just like your trepidation and your excitement. The lines would never meet, though. 

(How apt.) 

You’d been happy. That was what had shocked you most, save only for the very fact of you being in this situation in the first place. But behind the fear, there it was. A little glow, a nucleus of hope and future nascent deep in your centre, spread through your heart and speckled to your fingertips, your face, your smile - that paired flawlessly with the little bundle of meaning, the combination of you and him budding in your belly. 

(Buds drop off before blooming all the time.)

You thought it’d be easy. 

(How stupid.)

You thought you could share it all with him right away. 

(You wished.)

But there was a part of you that faltered, when he’d show up at your window in that deceptively lax way. The words stuck in your throat, whenever he asked you if you were alright. The ease of his question didn’t match the weight of the truth. It almost felt… cruel. 

Maybe his fears would eclipse yours, and all that euphoria you’d harboured would dissolve. Maybe he’d be angry, though you suspected that even if he were, it’d be short lived. Maybe you’d end up keeping him from his duty. 

(Maybe you were just a coward.)

Regardless, your hands would float to your stomach whenever they weren’t occupied. Regardless, your mind would conjure up a future, remiss of your own will, an idyllic scene of a child, a marriage, something so sickly sentimental that you wanted to scold yourself. Regardless, it gave you hope.

It was enough, you’d decided. You'd get over it, face him and your fears, because what was waiting on the other side was so good that you’d forget that you had any in the first place. You’d do it. 

You’d tell Kakashi the next time you saw him. 

***

Why did it always feel too soon, each time he let you go?

You remember it, the last time it happens.

How could you not? The moon’s luminosity the perfect backdrop, incandescent, illuminating that wild silver hair, that crimson eye, that tired eye. His blood gleams under its splendour, under the green light that emanates fruitlessly from your delicate, shaking fingers. Softer than his, but no less enduring. 

It’s all so disgustingly poetic.

He refuses to scream, or shout - just whisper your name, in that restrained, ever-abiding tone. It’s never made you want to scream out more in his turn. You would have done anything to absorb it all in its stead. 

“What are you doing here?” he demands, as if he has the energy to. As if you can answer. As if you don’t see the wounds, the bloodshot-eyes, that compliance of his own mortality. His hand - the one that you were stupid enough to trust in, to think was strong - clenches around yours, calloused, then weakens, loosening its grip. He follows it with another impossible, familiar order. “Get out of here.”

“Shut up. Don’t die on me - please,” you beg, coughing up your words in between the sobs that spill forth, onto his face. The ache, the deep, sharp cramp in your hips, the agonising spark that spreads throughout your lower body, and you repeat your futile mantra two-fold.  

(It hurts. It hurts so much.)

“Y/N, I- I’m sorry,” he begins, moving to use his dwindling force to brush away your healing fingers, “it’s too late for that. Just get somewhere safe. Please.” 

“Shut up,” you repeat. You gasp hoarsely, reinforcing your grip. The pain deepens, in the pit of your throat, your heart, and in your womb, amalgamating together inextricably in some hellish concoction just for you and you alone. “Shut up.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. His eyes lid, and suddenly that scar never seems so cutting. It’s all so obvious. He just looks so tired, so… resigned. As if he’s been waiting for this. “I love you.”

“I love you too. So you can’t-”

“It’s over. You know it as well as I do.” 

Somewhere, somewhere deep down, you always knew. You knew, but never wanted to admit it. He’d made his peace with dying, long before you ever met, and you can’t hold him back any longer. It almost feels… cruel. 

(Not as cruel as him.)

His hand drops, dropping with a graceless thud against your damp thigh. “Y-you’re covered in blood. That’s all mine…?”

“Yes,” you lie, voice as thick as the mixture of blood and tears that stain both you and him. “Don’t worry about me.”

He stops - and you almost think he’s going to call you out, like he’s done so many times before. 

(You wish he would.)

You’ve never been able to dupe him. But instead, his eyes crinkle at the corners.

(You love him. You love him so much.)

He smiles that hidden smile, one last time. 

His fingers that fight with yours give up, one last time.

He whispers your name, one last time. 

Why did it always feel too soon, each time Kakashi let you go?

[mrslittletall]

It is now time for my review of Nier Replicant... and I won't put all the numbers in there! Who decided to name the game like this? Let's go over my points as usual. Graphics As a remastered games, of course they weren't the best. The character models looked fine, but were pretty stuff, the backgrounds were a bit muddy. The cut scenes looked really well though, loved how smoothly everything was animated and the character expressions. What I also liked was the boss design. They got some really unique designs in there and the effect on the shades was really cool with that ripple of letters appearing on them. Music/Sound OMFG, like Automata, the game SHINES here. The music is amazing, there is literally not a single bad song in the OST, a lot of them turned into my favourite songs of all time and I could stand in the Aerie and listen to Cold Steel Coffin for hours. Outside of the area and battle songs, there are a LOT of emotional songs for cutscenes to set the mod. They are so fitting and wonderful, beautiful. And the best thing? At certain parts of the game the emotional song replaces the area song for a while, letting you dweel in the feels for a while longer. Like in Automata, lyrics are used in a lot of the songs, in the chaos language often, which adds even more depth to the already high quality songs. While in Automata most lyrics were clearly duets or like songs though, in Replicant a lot of the lyrics are actually "ominous chanting". But it works, it works so well. "The Lost Stone", "The Aerie", "Snow in Summer", all have ominous chanting and I wouldn't have it any other way. Some of the songs even get into a music box version. The moment in the Shadowlord fight when the music changes into the music box version? That hits me every single time, every single damn time. Outside of the music, the voice acting. It's phenomenal. Every major character (I played with english voices) has such a good voice and delivers their lines beautifully. Brother Nier and his childlike naivetity in the beginning, turning to bitterness and rage as an adult, Kainé whose voice actor clearly had fun delivering all the f-bombs, Emil, with the voice of a cute innocent young boy and my favourite, Grimoire Weiss, whose voice drips sarcasm and which I absolutely love. And even the side characters had great voices, like Devola and Popola or the Red-Bag-Couple. Every single NPC was voiced as well, even the ones without names and I didn't find their voices to be annoying. Only voice that annoyed me was kid Gideon. Gameplay Ok, I can't praise the game too much here. It's not a bad game, not at all, BUT... Let's start with the good things. The battle system works well. You can use the four trigger buttons to use martial arts or magic and use your weapon with the square and the triangle button (yeah, I played on PS4). You have a range of different weapons, but there isn't really much difference between them. In the end I just equipped the weapon with the highest atk power. Upgrading all of them feels like a waste of time, unless you really want to read those weapon stories. The bosses are pretty unique and have to be fought in different approaches, but of course there are also a few "hit them until they stagger" bosses. The magic is pretty fun to use and you can use word edit to customize it a bit. Ok, but now the buts... That were mostly the sidequests. A few of them were fine and really worth it... and then I got a sidequest that was like "Bring me ten titanium alloys and ten broken lens." Which are super fucking rare items! So you basically ran into the same area multiple times to farm them and earn like 20.000 G for it.... and you probably have so much money already that you don't even need it. Yeah, a lot of the sidequests boiled down to "Farm some materials for me". Even Brother Nier commented on it, because he often said "That will take a while." I would have wished for more side quests like in Automata, they certainly bettered the process there. I just wonder why they didn't tone down the farming sidequests

in the Remaster a bit. Farming for rare items is a drag in this game and you sadly need it for 100 % (remember all the weapons to upgrade?) So yeah, definitely don't rec to 100 % this. Maybe do the sidequests, but I wouldn't do all of them a second time. Also, in order to see all the endings, you have to play through the second half of the game a bunch. That gets a bit repetitive... Story/Lore Yeah, time to SHINE again. I know this sounds strange, because I was a bit bummed that Nier Automata left so much lore outside of the game, but that kinda didn't bother me here? Probably for once, because my friend explained it to me and second, because the main point of the lore/story I could figure out myself. At first, the game left me pretty confused. We were in 2053, it snowed in summer and there were these kids, these shade creatures and these books and everything went horrible horrible wrong. And then we were 1.400 years later and saw the same kid and his sister just walking around like nothing happened? What? Regardless, I moved on and slowly unraveled the mysteries. Halfway through route A I thought that shades might be humans, but didn't had all the puzzle pieces yet. Only at the very end was it clear what happened. Also, thanks to Automata I knew about Devola and Popola being androids. Like my friend put it "They are the biggest walking spoiler for Nier in Automata." But like... I absolutely love the lore and the story of the game. See, the story is about Nier wanting to rescue his sister. Of course we should be on his side, right? Those big bad shadow creatures got her! Of course he is our hero! But then Route B happens and we get to see the side of the shades... and it turns out that they never were the bad guys at all. In truth, neither the Gestalts nor the Replicants are the bad guys here. I read in a Youtube comment that Yoko Taro designed the game about "Humans will be able to kill other people when they think they are right." That is what Nier is about. That is literally what the game is about. The last battle with the Shadowlord? Just a desperate brawl between two boys who both think they are in the right. We see this a lot in the shade stories, but it is especially prevelant in the story about the wolves and the shades in the Shadowlord's castle. The story... is about humanity... and somehow it tells a beautiful story about humanity, even though there aren't humans in the game anymore... Also, the main characters? Adorable, great, precious! I love all of them! I love Brother Nier, I love Kainé, I love Emil, I love Grimoire Weiss. They are written so WELL. I definitely feel like I want to hunt down the lore that got omitted this time, because I very much fell in love with the world of Nier. Hm, maybe when I play Automata again with the Nier knowledge stuff makes more sense as well... Overall: I give this game an absolute rec when you like good music and good stories! And when you want your heart ripped out of your chest and trampled over it several time.

[gohyuck]

note: this is a repost because tumblr is a BITCH

pairing: lee donghyuck (haechan) x reader

genre: ANGST, really, it is a lot of Sadness

word count: 3.9k

warnings: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, portrayal of what seems to be a toxic relationship, puking, alcohol consumption and drunkenness

a/n: this is written … backwards like it goes from 30 days after an event backwards to the actual event but then it flies forward at the end so be prepared for that

part of a series?: yes, 37.5% viewer ratings, my hyuck bday celebration

🎵 bodyache - purity ring

☀️ not everyone gets a happy ending

30 days after, 11:52 p.m.

���you’re really leaving?”

mark’s voice is soft, softer than usual as he leans against the doorframe. he’s reluctant to come into your studio, but you find that you can’t blame him. after all, donghyuck really is his best friend, even through all of this. even if mark can’t look said best friend in the eyes right now.

their relationship will heal. you can’t say the same for yours.

“i accepted a position in america after saying no to them for, like, 3 times,” you say, forcing down the flaps of the cardboard box underneath you so you can tape them together. “and it’s for 88rising, so i can’t really say no, can i, now that my biggest reason for staying has diminished to nothing?”

mark nods in understanding, pushing himself off of the frame only to stand, hands stuffed into his jeans’ pockets, in your doorway. his expression is unreadable, though you can see the slightest hint of a downturn in his lips. you feel sorry - mark lee is a good man. he’s been an even better friend to you.

“i didn’t say no to my dream job either.” he says eventually, and mark allows you a small, genuine smile before his face returns to resting, a half-worried, half-confused look he sports consistently. you’ll miss teasing him about it face-to-face: texts won’t have the impact your lighthearted disses are meant to have. you find that your heart is suddenly in your throat.

still, you force down the new, overwhelming urge to cry. you should’ve run out of tears by now, you tell yourself. if you’re going to cry, it won’t be in front of mark. not when he’s been so good to you this whole time.

“my flight leaves tomorrow at 2,” you tell him, forcing your emotions down into whatever depths they rose from. “i’ll email and text you all my details in the morning, if that’s cool with you.”

“already got the american airlines app,” mark fishes his phone out of his pocket and raises it, lockscreen of yuta’s zoomed-in face staring back at you, as if to prove to you that he’s downloaded what he says he has. a corner of your mouth lifts up on impulse, and that’s all it takes for mark’s shoulders to relax before his own smile reappears. he finally steps into your room, crossing it easily to pull you into his arms. you fall into his hold, arms snaking over his broad shoulders to bring him closer.

you’ll miss all of your friends, but you’d be lying if you said you wouldn’t miss mark the most. if you’re the earth, he’s your moon, always there for you and at your side.

you try your damnedest not to think of the sun.

“call me before you board and after you land, okay?” mark mutters against your hairline, and you nod as best you can in the position you’re in. he steps back, and you do the same, to look up into his eyes for the last time before you leave.

“get a good night’s sleep, lee,” you say, grinning up at him even as tears prick at the corners of your eyes. “or else you’ll look even more confused with all the drowsiness weighing your gigantic head down.”

mark furrows his brow at this, faux indignance crossing his features as you snicker gently at his expense. “damn,” he says, gently flicking your arm. “maybe i should ship you off myself.”

you laugh at this, and he spares you a quick chuckle before sobering up. mark grabs both of your elbows in uncharacteristic seriousness, and you’re forced to look into his eyes as he speaks next.

“i’m really going to miss you, you know.”

you sigh, resting your hands against your close friend’s chest.

“i’m going to miss you, too.”

23 days after, at 2:17 a.m.

“you’re drunk,” jeno says matter-of-factly, wrenching the almost-empty bottle of soju from donghyuck’s tight grip. “and i don’t want to deal with your hangover tomorrow. why are you here again? you don’t even live here.”

“be nice, jeno,” jaemin reprimands from the kitchen table, picking at his dinner with his chopsticks. “he’s heartbroken.”

“he did this to himself.” jeno remarks with ease, and donghyuck wants to smack him upside the head for it. he’s a little far gone for that, though, and resorts to groaning instead, loudly. jeno, in turn, flicks him in the forehead for his noisiness, forcing yet another, longer, groan to spring forth from between the drunk man’s lips.

“what are you doing here?” jeno asks again, tone kinder than donghyuck expects. “your bed is at the 127 dorm, or do you not remember this?”

“i’m drunk.” is all hyuck can say, though he means to say a lot more. i’m drunk, the voice inside his head echoes. drunk and sad and lonely and my bed is empty even though it shouldn’t be on a saturday morning and it’s kind of my fault because i said some really stupid and awful shit and all the 127 hyungs are pissed off at me and i can’t spend another night alone in a cold bed getting the cold shoulder. everything’s too fucking cold. that, and the alcohol is better here.    

“i’m drunk.” donghyuck says again, more insistently this time. he leans forward to try and get the bottle of soju - it must be his third or fourth, though he sure as hell isn’t counting - but jeno, who hasn’t had even a drop tonight, avoids him easily.

“you’re drunk,” renjun acquiesces from the couch, a magazine opened and forgotten in his lap. “and you’re here, for whatever reason. i love you, and all, but you’re getting pathetic… unless, of course, you want to talk about it. we can do that.”

“talking doesn’t fix everything,” jeno interjects before hyuck can respond, though he doesn’t dare to say anything else under the withering glare renjun sends him. typically, jeno would use this to start a fight. hyuck makes a pass for the liquor one more time, though, and he decides that he has other hills to die on right now. that, and renjun, for whatever reason, really does have a soft spot for donghyuck. jeno equates hyuck to renjun’s jaemin, and he decides that maybe renjun does know what’s best here.

“nothing to talk about. it’s -” donghyuck hiccups, falling backwards onto his chair once he realizes that he won’t be getting his soju back. “-it’s for the best. we’re bad for each other.” his words come out as only mildly coherent babbles, slurred with his jeju accent slipping in, but renjun, jeno, and jaemin have known him long enough that they’re able to understand everything he’s saying with little deciphering.

“(name) and you are perfect, you idiot,” jaemin says, materializing out of thin air beside hyuck. it seems he’s given up on finishing the rest of his noodles. “i’ve never seen anyone else look at anyone the way you two look at each other. you fucked up big time, yes, but it’s fixable. with you two, it has to be.”

“looked.” donghyuck corrects as if on auto-pilot.

“what?” jeno asks, and hyuck looks at him through tired, hooded eyes.

“looked. the way us two looked at each other. not look. not fucking look.”

the other three men share glances between each other. the heartbroken idol says nothing more, only slides into his leather jacket, pulling his bucket hat over his eyes. before anyone can press him further, he makes a soft snuffling noise, and the other three simultaneously realize that he’s fallen asleep.

“he’s going to feel like hell when he wakes up,” jeno finally says, and renjun lets out a disappointed sigh before speaking.

“i’ll get the puke bucket. someone get his hat and jacket off. if we really try, we can put him on someone’s bed. jisung’s probably - hopefully - asleep already, and we shouldn’t wake him up.”

“you think they’ll get back together?” jaemin questions, slowly pulling the denim bucket hat off of donghyuck’s head as he does. the sleeping man in question shifts slightly, but doesn’t wake back up. he’s always hated sleep, but he’s always been a quick sleeper when drunk.

“with the shit he said to (name)?” jeno asks, getting the aforementioned bucket from the linen closet in the hallway. both jaemin and renjun nod, regardless of the fact that it’s a rhetorical question. jeno heaves a heavy sigh and shakes his head as he sets the bucket down beside the chair.

“not fucking likely.”

14 days after, at 5:03 p.m.

“i’ve been here for, like, three hours, and you’ve barely said a word.” johnny’s tone isn’t unkind, but you can’t help but bristle at what he says. he’s lounging on the loveseat you have in the back of your studio, feet kicked up on your coffee table, while you’re hunched over your electronic keyboard, practically hemorrhaging over melodies. something is flat, so very flat, about the progression you keep trying.

usually you’d have donghyuck sing it out loud for you to see what you’re missing, but that isn’t an option.

“i have work.” is the dry response you offer up, and you can practically feel johnny roll his eyes into the back of his head in exasperation. he sets the can of coke that’s been dangling between his thumb and middle finger down - mindful of your coasters, thankfully - before pushing himself off of your couch to come and stand over your shoulder.

“you guys will have to talk it over eventually-” he starts, and you shake your head vehemently, hard enough to force johnny’s words to die in his throat.

“there’s no talking it out. he said he doesn’t love me, that he wished he’d never met me, and that i detract from his life,” you say, incredulous, and you see the last hints of johnny’s smile die out in front of your eyes. his jaw drops open slightly, and you realize that donghyuck hasn’t actually told the members what had happened.

“he - what?”

“yep,” you say, popping the p as if you’re responding to someone asking you if you’re okay with their movie choice. you turn your head away from johnny, moving your focus back to your music. this isn’t something you want to re-live.

he teeters between choosing whether or not to say something for what feels like eons. you can feel johnny’s anger engulf him, and even though it’s not at you but for you, it makes you feel small. you wish desperately that johnny wasn’t mad, that his reason for being so horrified and disgusted and enraged didn’t exist. you wish you were still happy and in a relationship with your one true love.

but you’ve come to find that wishes are not reliable.

johnny, for his part, settles on saying nothing. you think that he’ll sit down again, seething to himself, but you’re surprised when he wraps his arms around your shoulders from behind you in a backhug over your chair. he’s always been good at knowing what you need - you think it’s his ingrained older brother instinct.

it’s been a bit too long since you’ve been held so tenderly. you use this as your excuse to yourself when you realize that you’re crying. the excuse no longer stands when you double over into yourself, sobs wracking your body, but by that point you aren’t thinking of it.

johnny, for his part, pulls you closer to his chest.

you thank him in your mind. you know he gets it.

5 days after, at 7:47 p.m.

“you fucked up a record-breaking amount of times today,” mark remarks playfully as he wipes the sweat off his face with a short towel. donghyuck gives him no scathing response, and that’s when mark knows that something is wrong. it can’t be that he’s upset - hyuck is a great dancer, and he picks things up quick, so it’s okay if he messes up too much during a dance practice. he definitely knows mark means nothing by his teasing.

still, mark realizes that hyuck hasn’t really done much today - no fake kissing pranks, no loud screaming - and he suddenly feels awful.

“you okay?” mark asks, voice gentler this time. donghyuck looks up from his phone, finally making eye contact with his friend, before nodding shortly.

“yeah, i’m-”

“he’s fine, dude,” jaehyun says, smirk evident across his features. “i’m sure he’s just antsy to go get laid. the dorm auntie said (name)’s over there right now.”

before mark can say that, no, he’s sure it’s something else, donghyuck speaks up, voice hard as steel and cold as ice.

“we broke up. (name)’s just getting stuff.”

the room stills immediately, as if everyone stops breathing at once. after a beat, two, and then three, doyoung finally speaks up.

“what - and i cannot stress this enough - the fuck?”

it’s as if a dam breaks - suddenly, all 8 members other than donghyuck are rushing to ask questions, to give their opinions, to find somewhere to sit down and internally process this new information. mark’s grip on his towel tightens without him realizing, though his mind is elsewhere: no wonder you haven’t responded to his texts for the past week.

he’d assumed you were busy with work. after all, you are helping put the finishing touches on 127′s upcoming album’s b-sides.

“we just… we didn’t work out.” donghyuck says, and the way he speaks implies that that’s the end of the conversation. when the youngest accidentally makes eye contact with mark, the latter searches his eyes desperately for something, anything.

he comes up empty. donghyuck, for the first time ever, is unreadable.

mark realizes that, for the first time ever, donghyuck wants it to be that way.

the end of it all, 2:22 a.m.

“what did you just say to me?”

your eyes are narrowed, your fists clenched so tightly that your nails are digging into your palms. your boyfriend glares back at you with equal venom, though while you’re standing while facing off with him, he’s manspreading on the couch, his body relaxed while his face is angry.

“i said that i wish i’d never met you.” his voice is even, and this makes yours waver even more. he’s never - never, not ever - been this cruel, and you’re almost taken aback by it. sure, your relationship has been slowing down greatly in the past month, with both of you unable to make time for the other, but you’d assumed it was due to album preparations. with you in the studio days and nights working on producing tracks and donghyuck perfecting his performances, there’s been almost no overlap between your schedules.

you thought everything would be fine. evidently, you’d thought wrong.

“what the hell is that supposed to mean?” you throw back at him, voice rising, getting higher-pitched in disbelief and exasperation as you continue speaking.

“it means that i haven’t seen you all fucking month and it’s been the best month of my whole year. you’ve been actively - fuck, i don’t know - keeping me down, keeping my mood down. i can’t live like this, knowing that you’re - you’re adjacent to me. i can’t do it anymore.” donghyuck responds, both bark and bite, pushing his shoulders off of the couch and pulling his legs in slightly. his brow is furrowed and his stance is hostile as he yells at you, but there’s no hint of remorse in his eyes, and you realize that he must really, really mean what he’s saying. it feels sudden to you, of course it does, but this must be something he’s sat on for days.

your heart shatters. suddenly, your throat is dry, but your water bottle in the kitchen seems too far out of your reach for you to get. without meaning to, the ending of your first fight with hyuck, ages ago, comes to mind.

“it’s difficult to articulate yourself during an argument, isn’t it?” donghyuck sighs against your hairline, and you nod, not trusting yourself to speak through your tears. your fight had ended with both of you unable to explain yourselves, and you’d burst promptly into tears because of this, causing donghyuck to drop his anger in favor of comforting you. as he runs his hands up and down your back and allows you to cry onto his shirt, he has an epiphany.

“we’re both musical people, right?” he asks, and you pull away from his grasp to look up at him, confused, through your tear-heavy lashes. “i mean that you’re a producer and i’m a musical artist. we’re music people, right? we get music?”

“i - i guess.” you sniffle, unsure of where your boyfriend is going with this. he smiles down at you before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

“whenever you think you can’t explain yourself to me, give me a song or songs that says what you want to. i’ll do the same if it’s vice versa. that way, we’ll always understand each other, yeah?”

you nod against his chest, and he wraps his arms tighter around you.

“yeah.”

the overwhelming urge to get the hell out of the situation you’re in consumes you, suddenly, and you take a long, shuddering breath before snatching your car keys off the coffee table from where they are by donghyuck’s boot-clad feet. his expression defaults to bored, and he barely looks at you through hooded, pissed off eyes as you shrug your coat back on. you don’t even know how this argument had started, but you have a feeling that it’s over, just as your relationship is. the kind of seriousness donghyuck has shows you that there’s no going back to him. never.

you swing open the door, but right before you leave, you look back at him one last time. the words come out of your mouth on their own accord.

“bodyache by purity ring.”

donghyuck doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even show that he’s heard you, but you know him. you know he’s heard you, and that he’s seen you. with that knowledge, you shut the door of the 127 dorm and turn away, turning your back on lee donghyuck forever.

31 days after, 6:06 p.m.

the dorm is only almost silent whenever donghyuck is there. nobody’s told him this, but he’s sure of it - after all, all of his members had loved you. you’d been a close friend, a confidant, and he’d taken that from them. he isn’t sure how to feel about this - about you, about himself. did he make the right call? now, as he faces a stillness he’s unused to, he’s not quite sure.

he’s pouring milk onto cereal as an afternoon snack when jungwoo breaks the silence by turning on the news. there’s something frantic about the way he grabs the remote, the way he presses the on button, that forces everyone’s eyes onto him. jungwoo’s phone, which had been in his hand and was likely the source of his rush, drops from his hand and onto the couch beneath him.

“mark,” jungwoo calls, voice shaking. the man in question looks up, his gaze landing on his hyung before it can land on the tv. “mark, you- (name)’s flight info.” jungwoo manages to get out, his own eyes trained on the news channel. slowly but surely, mark’s gaze - and everyone else’s, donghyuck sets the milk down and twists the cap on - turns to follow jungwoo’s.

none of them could have expected the headline they see.

FLIGHT AA1116 ICN TO LAX CRASH; OFFICIALLY NO SURVIVORS

donghyuck’s world stops.

he watches as mark pulls out his own phone, almost dropping it in his haste to see if your flight number is the same one that’s flashing across the screen. he watches as mark, upon seeing what’s on his phonescreen, lets out an ungodly groan, stumbling into jungwoo as his own knees give out. yuta grabs mark’s phone out of his hand, and donghyuck can only observe as yuta’s shoulders tense up completely before they start to shake. before he can process what’s happening, everyone around him is in hysterics - some members are holding each other, wailing loudly, others are staring, steely-eyed, at the reporter on the tv as if doing so will change the past.

donghyuck watches, and watches, and watches. it feels as if he’s frozen in time.

it’s only when mark, overcome with grief, composes himself enough to push donghyuck against their fridge, that time unsticks itself. it’s while mark berates him, blames him wholly for the fact that you’re gone, that the feeling returns to donghyuck’s body.

he’s barely able to push mark off of him and rush to the bathroom before he’s doubling over, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. you’re dead. he heaves again, more bile coming up. you’re dead because you left for america. you left for america because he left you. donghyuck sputters out more foul-tasting liquid, barely able to weakly pull the handle and flush everything down. you’re dead. he dry-heaves.

he dry-heaves once more before he manages to pull himself up using the corners of the sink. donghyuck washes his mouth out as carefully as he can afford. it’s when he catches sight of his reflection that he has to grasp onto the sink for fear of collapsing against it.

you’re dead.

you’re dead, and it’s his fault.

as he forces himself to look into his reflection’s eyes, donghyuck feels sick beyond the physical realm. he’d broken up with you over nothing - it was a split-second decision backed by hollow but harsh words following a grueling, grueling month of work. he’d broken up with you and been too stubborn to try and get you back, and now you’re dead because you’d chosen to move on and take the leap to the next phase of your life. he’ll never feel your hand in his again, your lips against his. he won’t hear your laughter or hear from mark about your endeavors. you’re dead, and he’s alive, and he knows that he’s being punished by the cosmos for his sins.

donghyuck searches back to your last words to him, reaching for some semblance of a relationship with you where there is none. his memories fall on a song, and he remembers your recommendation. he fishes his phone out of his pocket - the news app sends him a notification of the plane crash that has his heart feeling as if it’ll stop beating immediately - and opens his music player, typing bodyache into the search bar.  

he places his phone on the counter and heaves a shuddering sigh, and as the music washes over him, so do the years he’d spent with you, the years he’s now lost. as the lyrics wash over him, so do his tears.

You said, you said "Turn the lights down, I wanna be alone” I ran your head away I couldn’t stand how it pleaded I needed to take Take a break, take me down, take me down there I wanna stare at the tears, how they water your years Take a break, take me down, take me down there I wanna stare at your tears, how they I, I, I lied, now I’m lying awake I, I, I cried ‘til my body ache I, I, I lied, now I’m lying awake I, I, I cried 'til my body ache

[kob131]

Rewatching volume 8 I can safely say that they kinda ruined Ironwood's character. To me they made him a cartoony villain by shooting the counsel guy and teaming up with Watts at the start of the volume, as well as him willing to blow up mantle even though Salem was gone. I think they should have taken their time in the volume making Ironwood a villain, Judgemental critter explains how he could have been better in her review. Buuut that's just my opinion

Then I figure you don’t mind if I go into Judgmental Critter’s Ironwood part?

‘Ironwood is an interestingly complex character, both kind and understanding but also stern and harsh.’

... That’s...not unique. Like, at all. That’s like every Sink or Swim Mentor or Stern Father figure. Fuck, Hank Hill came to mind.

‘He was the one who broke the news to Yang, being earnest and disappointed that yang was disqualified. But also put his foot down so there’s no protest from the girls.’

... So? This isn’t the aspect of him that Volumes 7 and 8 are being focused on and this is BEFORE his paranoia and trust issues got validated so of course he’s in a naturally better state.

‘Here’s a man who convinced himself that he built an army that couldn’t be beat.’

Wait, did you just...skip the part where he relates to Yang and implies he has PTSD, indicating he’s not exactly mentally well? ... What the fuck?

And you’d better be considering this when you come to Volume 8, after his army has been beaten and just got stretched thin.

‘In Volume 4, he stands kindly by Weiss’ side, stands up for her against the Atlas elite and when the girls meet him again-’

... *graps Judgmental Critter by the collar as they pass by.* Don’t think I didn’t notice that.

Jacques: You've never trusted anyone other than yourself!

Ironwood: (shouting) And for good reason!

Weiss covers her mouth with her hand as she gasps at the sound of Ironwood slamming his fist onto the desk.

Ironwood: If Oz had just listened to me from the start...

Jacques: You need to get a grip.

Ironwood: That's exactly what I'm doing. Our people need protection. By this time next week, the Kingdom of Atlas will be officially closing its borders. No one in; no one out. Without the council's permission.

Jacques: You mean, without your permission?

Ironwood: And if that becomes the case, I would think you'd want to be on my good side.

Funny you don’t mention this in your summary of him, considering this is portrayed as a deeply personal reveal of the man.

I also remember that you ignored what he said in Volume 2.

Glynda: Trouble sleeping?

Ironwood: (Looking back, gripping his shoulder with the other hand.) Arm was acting up.

Glynda: Of course, so logically, you got out of bed, dressed yourself completely and decided to gaze menacingly out into the distance. (Approaches all the way to his side, then looks at him concerned.) What's wrong?

Ironwood: I've trusted him for years. We both have. I just... I can't help but feel like he's keeping us in the dark.

Glynda: Don't be ridiculous! You know very well that we are not the ones in the dark.

Ironwood: (Laughs humorously.) That makes it worse! I refuse to believe that a man that I've trusted for so long would act so... passively.

Glynda: (Puts a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder.) You're a good person, James. You've always done what you think is best for the people, even against strong protest. It's admirable. But it's high time you stopped talking about trust and started showing it. (Drops her hand as they stare into the distance together.) Ozpin has experience that the rest of us lack. And I think that's something worth remembering.

These things that connect Ironwood’s actions in the past and his actions in the future...

And you don’t mention them despite being big character moments for him? Maybe this is a coinc- 

‘He knelt to spoke to Oscar, which showed his dad energy!’

... *steams starts to rise from my face*

Ironwood: Without him here to guide us, all I can do is use my best judgment.

Behind him, Oscar shifts uncomfortably. As if sensing something, Ironwood stops and looks back.

Ironwood: What is it?

Oscar: Actually, Oz isn't completely gone.

Qrow: Uh, Oscar here is… is the next Ozpin.

Ironwood: Oz?

Smiling, Ironwood quickly and eagerly approaches Oscar, who looks nervous.

Ironwood: I'm so glad you're here. I didn't think you--

Oscar puts his hands up and interrupts Ironwood, as the latter crouches to Oscar's level.

Oscar: Not quite. He's kind of, um, gone... at the moment.

Ironwood's smile fades, and he lowers his head.

That wasn’t him acting like a dad, that was Ironwood being desperate, given a fleeting glimpse of hope that the man he respected and looked to above all others is...there, standing in front of him, where he can finally have an equal again.

That was...so blatant and obvious I am finding it hard to believe you’re not doing this intentionally.

“He spoke to Oscar as if he was a trusted ally despite missing Ozpin’s words of guidance!”

Oscar. Has. Ozpin. In. Him.

Ozpin. The man that James, AGAIN, respects and follows.

No. Fucking. Shit.

“He gave Team RWBY the Huntsman title and upgrades!”

‘Huntsmen’ in Atlas meaning ‘soldiers’. And that is STILL not contradictory to what he does later.

‘He was well meaning and kind...until he found out they lied to him.”

Which was bad of them...but they were also in fault when they treated Ozpin harshly and James did WORSE so what does that tell you?

‘His PTSD comes flooding back!’

...

......

...........

You skipped how he refused to trust the council, his PEERS, with the info about Amity or even Robin, whose entire issues with him could have been solved if he TALKED to her, all because of his trust issues.

You have completely shoved his trust-related skeletons into the closest and play up his more pitiable PTSD issues. You’re fucking Mary Sueing him.

‘Was all of it Team RWBY’s fault? They didn’t give him the truth but neither did Ozpin-’

Was it Team RWBY’s fault that the Fall of Beacon or Atlas’ issues happened? No! In fact, James was more culpable in both scenarios (if he listen to Ozpin then the machines COULDN’T attack Vale citizens and if he told the truth and listened to Team RWBY before he had no choice then he could have stopped all that shit!) than them. And just as Ironwood’s issues don’t excuse Team RWBY’s fuck ups- Ozpin’s issues don’t excuse James’ fuck ups.

‘Who can he trust? How many levels of precautions does he need to take?’

You know, I’d buy this shit if not for how the depth of his trust issues isn’t actually shown, how his issues with trust went beyond this and came around to how he was isolating himself. This is still trying to play pity for the man instead of seeing him for who he is.

‘We left Ironwood last Volume as a complex man whose filled dwith grief, guilt and fear-’

And what have we seen as the end result of these emotions time and time again in RWBY?

They cause the person to devole.

Hazel is filled with grief and used that to help justify his shit actions.

Ozpin is filled with guilt and let it distance himself from others.

Yang was filled with fear and couldn’t move on.

And Salem...Salem is all fucking three and we KNOW how she turned out.

The way that ‘complex man’ is portrayed is the same way one says a character is complex as an excuse to ignore their darker issues. She goes onto portray Volume 8′s beginning with Ironwood as somehow not in line with his ‘complexness’ when this has been an issue with him since Volume 2.

And as a special fuck you to that:

Do you have any idea how tempting Ironwood’s position is? To be hurt again and again by others as you try to defer to them? To see yourself as right time and time again but still struggling to see other’s point of view as valid? To resist the temptation to discard what EVERYONE says, to not care about what others say and carve your own path regardless of what others think, feel or say?

I have. Countless times and it is SO HARD to not do what Ironwood did. 

‘In his first scene, Ironwood crossed the line!’

Not really. From Ironwood’s point of view, Slate was standing in his way with Salem at his doorstep and in a worse shape than ever and he can’t afford to waste any time with him. Killing him is rather logical and why would Ironwood care? It’s right in his eyes and the morality of other people has only been chains to him.

‘This isn’t playing on his paranoia!’

Gee, what emotion is it that causes Paranoia again? ... Fear? And Ironwood did this out of what again? ... Fear of Salem?

How is it RWBY can bee so unsubtle to cause blunt force trauma on it’s audience and yet they STILL routinely fail to see it.

‘He’s just a shitty cartoon villain!’

Ah huh. Again, I heard the same about the P5 villains. And they all had real world counterpart (Madrame in particular can be compared to ROOSTER TEETH).

‘Cartoon villain’ is just a buzzword at this point.

‘His personality before was so much more intriguing!’

The personality where you chopped off the stuff that shows this coming?

Yeah headcanons tend to appear that way.

‘Everything he was just thrown away to give us a laughable shell of a character!’

AKA ‘Two Ironwoods’ right?

Newsflash- characters and people can change for the worst. People can reach this point and beyond for the same reasons as James did. Good people can devolve and change. And yet he still had his humanity. He still tried to hold back in some manner before he felt concerned even more. He never took joy in what he did. And he still cared for his people. 

To call all that effort just a ‘shell’ because you BLATANTLY cannot accept this change in a character enrages me beyond what text can show!

‘He didn’t develop into a colder, heartless man-’

Yes. He. Did.

He ignored his people’s concerns and feelings just for a greater goal. He treated people as a whole instead of individuals. He kept secrets more and more. He constantly questioned if his compromises gave Salem the advantage.

He did devolve. You just blinded yourself.

‘I could see this happening!’

Right, if the show jumped through X+1 hoops right?

‘But instead-’

No fuck you, I’m done.

God what is with these twins and pissing me the fuck off?

[morsking]

And so we have concluded Lostbelt 2! Now that I’ve experienced it for myself, I have a much clearer picture about how I feel about this chapter. As I progressed one thing became very clear to me, and that was that Hazuki Minase likely did NOT have any influence with this chapter, and its weakest points can be attributed to its main writer, Hikaru Sakurai, once we more closely scrutinize her work.

For starters, I would like to apologize to the people who kept trying to tell me Minase had nothing to do with the writing of Losbelt 2. You were correct, I simply acted stubbornly because I was terrified that one of the writers I loathe the most had returned to haunt and corrupt the franchise I hold very dear to me. I insisted on blaming him for any flaws because he was an easy scapegoat and a bogeyman, and while we all agree he is a pervert and a hack who should be fired, it is simply not fair to point fingers at imaginary criminals. A person should always be held accountable only for the misdeeds they have actually committed. Indeed, we may now explore Lostbelt 2 and the integrity of its writing with a more objective perspective, or rather as objective as I can manage to be.

The overall theme of the Lostbelt is “acknowledging one’s emotions as a vehicle for personal growth”. The issue persistent in the setting of Lostbelt Scandinavia was that it was a place where only young humans were allowed to survive. These humans would be oblivious to what real growth and prosperity were really like. They were innocent, and emotionally and intellectually stunted groups of people who only knew to live for the truth of their eventual demise. They lived short, rushed lives where they would stay ignorant of basic human experiences, such as love, grudges, aging, vice, hate, competition, and companionship because they devoted themselves to living how Scathach-Skadi ordered them to. They were unable to think or decide what to do for themselves, and were thus incapable of not just taking the reins to decide their own evolution as we do in Proper Human History, but also of fathoming doing such a thing in the first place.

This is a mirror to Ophelia Phamrsolone. Ophelia was conditioned to only listen to others for purpose and direction. Ophelia doesn’t actually know how to listen to her own feelings or even what those feelings even are because she was never allowed to connect not just with herself but with anyone. Ophelia, like Surtr points out, is still very much a little girl terrified by everything around her because she has no balance, no capacity for finding her center as a healthy and normal human being would. Unbeknownst to herself, all her interactions with others are a plea for help. Her very first interaction with Mash in 2017 was asking her if she’d like to have lunch with her and Pepe because Ophelia is terrified by male strangers and wishes to connect with other women as well. Ophelia’s conversations with Kirschtaria are also her not knowing how to proceed with challenges and therefore appealing to authority both for comfort and advice. Finally, her monologues with the Alien Priestess are Ophelia venting about how she feels, as if she were unaware of what to really think of herself as her helplessness and indecision drown her in a lake of self-loathing. 

These cries for help extend to the way she summons her Servants. Ophelia is noted to be incredibly proficient at evocation. Some might even call her a genius. In fact, she is such a genius she unknowingly managed to contract not just with one, nor two, but three different Servants all at once. The first Servant to answer her summon was Sigurd, the King of Warriors from Nordic mythology. The second Servant was Surtr the King of Giants and Scourge of Ragnarok (titled by yours truly), who hijacked the summoning and took over Sigurd. The third, and most pivotal, was Napoleon Bonaparte, the French Emperor whose Spirit Origin was modified to embody the “ideal Good Fellow who could make dreams come true” rather than the actual historical Napoleon.

What these three Servants have in common is that Ophelia wished for all of them from the darkest depths of her heart. Ophelia desired capable Servants who could give her some form of direction and stability. 

Sigurd, for example, is a hero renown for rescuing Brynhild and giving brand new meaning to her life by showering her with love and devotion. Love and devotion are things that Ophelia not just desires to be shown but actively struggles to adequately express to others because she has never known what it’s like to experience those things. To Ophelia, Sigurd represents “being given that which you have never known and finding fulfillment”. 

Surtr, on the other hand, embodies a darker type of direction: the terror stagnation, conformity, monotony, inaction, and eternal suffering. Surtr exercises control over Ophelia by threatening to destroy the world if he is released, prompting Ophelia to flash to her childhood locked away by her abusive parents every dreaded Sunday. Surtr locks Ophelia into a state of helplessness and indecision where she has to carefully consider how she will proceed with dealing with Surtr. Ophelia has decided to lock herself in with him as a way to prevent him from breaking out of both Sigurd’s body and the physical prison inside the Lostbelt’s sun. This is a situation where Ophelia is in a constant state of stress and fear, since as a Crypter the last thing she could ever want to see is the destruction of yet another world by her hands. More personally, the death of the Lostbelt would also mean death for Ophelia, as she has failed her purpose once again and thus would have no worth as a person. However, what Ophelia cannot understand, because Surtr himself does not, is that Surtr’s destructive impulses are how he wants to show love and devotion towards her. Surtr has reasoned that since their worlds abandoned them after they failed to perform their ordained tasks, the only thing left is to annihilate them completely as retribution for their suffering. Surtr does not wish to hurt Ophelia, but because he is a being defined only by his overwhelming desire to burn everything, he cannot help her heal or grow in any way that matters. All he can offer is annihilation. To Ophelia, Surtr represents “self-destruction through a static state of being”.

Finally, there is Napoleon. Napoleon represents a pronounced antithesis to Ophelia’s entire personality. He is an upbeat, improvising, confident man who chooses to not stress over things because what he is seeing is only what lies ahead, not what lies in front of him.He also breaks her defenses by asking something so ridiculous and unexpected as her hand in marriage when they have only just met. Napoleon refuses to give in to any negative outcome regardless of how much the odds are stacked against him, as he demonstrated in Scathach-Skadi’s throne room where he refused to let Sigurd kill his Master despite being restrained by Skadi’s paralyzing rune. He demonstrates this once again when he blows his final shot at Surtr during the final battle, sacrificing his own life to give Chaldea the opportunity to regroup and bombard Surtr to bring him down. He is called the Man of Infinite Possibilities precisely because he faces the unknown head on and finds the best path to walk for his comrades to advance. He does not let fear take over his heart and judgement, he creates a rainbow as a bridge connecting the present to the bright, shining future. He is precisely the hero Ophelia needs, because he embodies “the bravery to grasp your own future and find your own direction”. 

But analyzing these characters further is a post for another time. What I want to get into are the gripes I have with this Lostbelt. 

Now, I could lead you on through a couple more paragraphs before I wham you with what this all means in a much higher metatextual level, but I don’t have the time nor the creativity to do that so I’m just gonna give it to you straight. This square between Ophelia, Sigurd, Surtr, and Napoleon is the storyline that matters most in Lostbelt 2. Scathach-Skadi matters little despite her own parallels with Ophelia and being the Lostbelt King, and the situation with the Lostbelt’s inhabitants matters even less. Why?

Because Lostbelt 2 is Sakurai coming full circle and writing an otome game like Fate/Prototype was meant to be before Fate/stay night became a thing. 

SHOCKER!! SOUND EFFECTS OF SURPRISE!! DRAMATIC KAZOOS GALORE!!

Now, that’s exaggerating a little. Or maybe not that much, actually.

What Sakurai was doing was applying conventional otome game tropes into the setting not just what she’s familiar writing for, but because Lostbelt 2 is inherently an incredibly self-indulgent project. 

There is a classic trademark otome fantasy at play here: the fantasy of multiple men being devoted to a female main character a player can relate to. There is no denying there is a certain appeal to the idea that there are several handsome men all willing to devore their entire lives to a person. Sigurd, Surtr, and Napoleon all embody certain otome game love interest archetypes. Sigurd is the cold, composed, intellectual man who is actually earnest, just, affectionate, and wise. Surtr is the dark-hearted troubled man with fiery disposition struggling with expressing love. Napoleon is the strong, confident, borderline pixie manic dream boy with almost zero brains but plenty of empathy and... *ahem*, physique to make up for his seeming lack of tact and intelligence (he’s a himbo is what I’m saying but that comes as no surprise). The problems arise with Napoleon himself, however. Napoleon hounds Ophelia with marriage proposals she refuses time and time and again. When he proposes to her in front of Chaldea for the first time, the narrative has Mash take Napoleon’s side and urges you to do the same because Sakurai believed the reader would’ve caught on to what’s actually going on between Ophelia and Napoleon. 

The issue here is that Sakurai’s clues up to that point had been far too hidden for the player to make a proper connection, and it’s not until AFTER the proposal that the player discovers Napoleon is predisposed to fall in love with whoever summons him because that’s what Ophelia wanted out of an ideal Servant. Because of the poor execution in presenting all these factors that completely recontextualize the relationship between Napoleon and Ophelia, when Sakurai has Napoleon say “You did not reject me therefore you DID agree,” we jump to the conclusion that Napoleon is engaging in extremely reprehensible behavior and ideology reminiscent of dangerous and abusive men IRL rather than take it as harmless flirtation from a well-meaning oaf of a man as he tries to break the shell of his beloved. Sakurai invokes a very dangerous trope that does more to excuse misogynistic behavior when done incorrectly rather than successfully appear as a romantic gesture of attempting to liberate a loved one from the clutches of isolation and victimhood.

On a larger scale, the application of these tropes is where Lostbelt 2 starts to suffer, and that’s where Sakurai’s writing further begins to resemble Minase’s. Sakurai spent so much time building these interpersonal dynamics that she spent the least amount of effort actually building upon the situation of the Lostbelt and Scathach-Skadi’s character and motivations for keeping the Scandinavia the way it is. 

Upon scrutiny, it’s not very difficult to pick apart the setting and make a mark out of the glaring logistical inconsistencies of maintaining a population of only 10,000 humans for a span of 3,000 years by having them reproduce at 15 years old at the latest to execute them at 25. Anyone with a passing understanding of biology would know that forcing children to carry babies to term can lead to terrible health and psychological complications that would certainly end up in a lot more miscarriages, stillbirths, and failed attempts at impregnation than actual successful births. The problem here then is rather evident. Sakurai wanted to use the fact that all these children are young, innocent, naive, gullible, and ignorant to draw a connection to Ophelia’s own psychological and emotional circumstance. However, she realized that because she was writing a setting that obligated her to work around a 3000-year gap between Ragnarok and the present day. She needed something that would compromise the need for a realistic system that would ensure the reproductive viability of a human population through such a long period of time and the thematic vehicle of childhood and repression of growth as a way to connect Ophelia to her environment. This compromise ended up working for the absolute worse because she chose the worst possible system she was aware was the worst possible system she could’ve come up with and therefore decided to forsake that part of the plot without going through the implications of it and leaving the specifics to the reader’s imagination so they could sort it out in her stead.

This unwillingness to properly explore the problematic implications of Scathach-Skadi’s system not only deprived the player of a possible engaging storyline where child endangerment, a common theme in the Nasuverse, is explored and criticized through a different angle, but also actively hurts Scathach-Skadi’s connection to the player because we never get the opportunity to debate with her about her ideology and the state of the Lostbelt. We never hold her accountable for enforcing such a brutally predatory and dehumanizing system that targets children, instead Sakurai opts to build her up as a flawed, self-absorbed mother figure desperately trying to combat the extinction of the remnant of her world who also never really learned how to deal with the revelation there is an entire life she did not get to have in this universe that we MUST sympathize because she occasionally sees through the characters and acts kind towards them until the time comes for us to fight her in earnest as a matter of principle completely divorced from the question of how she’s managed her Lostbelt. The fact Scathach-Skadi’s model of sustainability does not work is made obvious by the fact it takes place in a Lostbelt, what we are trying to get at here is that it does not work from a writing standpoint because of all the different holes you can poke on it before you’ve punched through the paper screen entirely and revealed the superfluousness of it all. 

There is nothing inherently bad about self-indulgent storylines. If I’m being honest, if Sakurai wanted to use Ophelia and Musashi as self-inserts to fantasize about romancing the different kinds of characters she finds attractive, more power to her. But the problem surrounding Lostbelt 2, which is the same problem that plagued Septem and Fate/Extella, is a veritable lack of restraint from her part as a professional writer in charge of a multi-billion dollar mobile game. What the writing room over at Type-Moon has to realize is that they are no longer a small doujin writing circle that can get away with whatever they want because they operate under obscurity. They are visible to the entire world and will be held accountable and criticized as professionals by consumers and their peers in the industry. A little bit of self-fulfillment in a published work never hurt anyone, you can cater to yourself most of all with your professional work (I mean, just look at She-Ra), but you must be sure that in your pursuit of indulgence your work does not suffer for it and ends up alienating and disappointing your fanbase and giving them the wrong impression of what you stand for. 

Anyway we’re popping the biggest bottles when GudaMoth becomes canon this December.