#like all the ppl in my personal life who are like this dont even care about her story just that shes trans | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nerves-nebula · 2 days

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as much as i would like for ppl to just be honest about their feelings i genuinely don't know if i could react to someone saying they have a crush on me with anything other than a mix of visible fear, disappointment, and just general distress. (or maybe insensitive laughter)

cuz my knowledge of how crushes work is that you don't have to even like the person. you dont have to care about them, or agree with the stuff they say or their worldview or find them interesting or even really want to be friends with them at all outside of romance. for a lotta people it seems to be that their attention and daydreams are fixated on the idea of dating someone else. and a lot of people regardless of gender seem to stop pursuing a relationship after they're turned down. or like feel "too hurt" or something to keep being friends with that person.

so if someone says they have a crush on me my immediate thought is like ohhh nooo this wasn't a relationship we were building together at all this was all like. a little play for you. like i thought i was making a potential life long connection/friendship but you were just indulging yourself in the company of someone who made your stomach flutter until you got the courage to ask if i wanted to date or not. and now that the answer is "that's not really how this works for me" this whole thing is gonna disappear.

(like i COULD "date" someone but only someone i was already friends with who i knew i could trust im not. gonna date a stranger?? thats insane. and sex is like barely on the table.)

LUCKILY i'm a disgusting recluse so this hasn't happened to me since high school but the FEAR IS THEREeee

#nnstuff #rambling #aroace #arospec #aspec #queer

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bunnihearted · 5 days

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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me

#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything #guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of #and then distract myself with books and shows and nature #the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being #im losing interest in humanity and society #literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity #and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume #i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore #i feel so numb in one way #but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like #it wont even matter if i do #what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is #i dont even require that much #that is what is so .. terrible almost #i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into #i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here #it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so #because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that #so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck #i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao #but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people #without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters #besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life #so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me

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jamlabs · 6 months

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Being a GG fan in queer spaces is so exhausting sometimes bc every time I try to talk about it transfems always make some sort of joke about Bridget like. Okay I'm glad you like her and I WILL fight transphobes to the death for her but she isn't even in my top 15 gg characters?

Like can you guys maybe stop enjoying this media at a surface level and making the same jokes at me, a person who is known to be insane about their interests? Me talking about how much I love guilty gears music is not an invitation to ask "is the town inside you" like no. That's a super mid song. I am talking about the metal, the hard rock, and the fucking pipe organs . I was literally talking about how much I loved Necessary Discrepancy? And love letter to the future? HELLO?

Idk I'm just. So fucking tired of people engaging with GG on the most shallow level and then attempting to joke with me about it. Yeah haha brisket whatever

#j.txt #this has happened in queer spaces so many fucking timed im just. tired.#i bring up kum haehyun as another trans girl and get ignored i bring up the transgenderism and transhumanism of gears and get ignored #but hahaha BRISKET!!!! so funny!!!#like all the ppl in my personal life who are like this dont even care about her story just that shes trans #and its so. weird to me. to have this fixation on 'rep' and ignoring everything that doesnt fit in with the imagined ideal in your mind #bridget is reduced down to funny soft meme tgirl when shes actually very cool !#i think this is just a widespread instance of why fanon sucks and is bad bc it sands characters down into a single character trait #and then propagates so much that it feels like a completely different thing these people enjoy

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hellofears · 1 month

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having issues with men, the associations the instant distrust, which i dont like i dont want it i want things to be different, just all of it so much just the dynamic i have the relationship all of it the way the world is atleast online and having a younger brother. I wouldn't trade him for the world, I try and talk to him where I can and will continue to do so i adore him but i fear. i believe in him i want joy for him. I fear that his peers will feed him fckn brainrot and it scares me. not even just that he'll fall into that thinking that his fuckn upstanding that his unwillingness to follow ppl will hurt him. crazy shit at schools, like why tf r ppl dying kids young teens killing eaachother with knives? ??I don't want to loose him i don't want to see him loose who he is and the heart that he has i don't and i hope he rises above it all and will continue to. i feel like im stating what he has to be or smth but all i could ask for is his wellbeing, respect, humanity, that he treats himself well know what he deserves and has some sense of self, some gravity. I feel like shit sometimes for this aspect that i'm concerned that i just idk, i dont like the whole 'dont disappoint me' thing he owes nothing to me other than basic human decency and respect, hes a reason why i live but to i just that intrusive thought of there is no different the hell u think of is real about men to someone i hold so fckn dear to in a way show me their fckn fuckery its idk, like another? it'd hurt me, it'd hurt me bad.

i've never understood men or boys, amab, who go on about their connection or like protectiveness of their sisters of their mother but treat other women like shit like their familiars aren't women? you don't want to fuck them so its different? what is it like just whats the difference why does it have to pertain to you for you to care? do you care or do you see them as an extension? is it a personality trait for you? a 'lover boy' thing? a signal to women, women u imagine u want and is going to be 'ur woman' but u cant even like visualize them in a way that doesnt pertain to your sexual interests? a signal so people can say oh he loves his mother so hes good to go and prime? a 'mummys boy' ? are they not real women just because u dont feel that sort of way? talking about women that way with your friends? do i have to bring up the fact those same people could date your sister etc for you to care? those people could make the kids that surround your kids, your daughter. idk.

its like okay u want sex so u respect them less? did no one hear dont bite the hand that feeds you? what the fuck is going on. you cant fuck them so its all good? the demeaning-ness? lack of gravity, venom is just rapid, vapid

#*txt🗣️#real world issues #i instantly think of counter points before i say anything especially online and i hate it because its like im accustomed to ppl being accus #atory. at being contrary. shitting on vulnerability. shitting on emotions. shitting on hhumanity. shitting on the ability to care.#women can be pieces of shit men can queer folk can i can be you can be to me theres an ability just as people and the world of choice that #-e have. im not saying everyones on the brink of doing the worst and makes a choice not to either if ur going through that u need to seek #help or some sort of sincere dialogue well and truly. but the world around me has made me who i am just as much as my reaction. not all etc #is a no brainer. ppl dont have a neon sign on their forehead. its understandable why the caution has been fckn drilled into so many afab so #many women in the hearts of many and thats hurt fear and absolute rage simmering anger for bs. i understand proventitive cautions to ppl #especially those who tend to be the direct target demographic but to drill in fear to woman to afab not even just on a personal level imsur #everyones experience is different on that front and their thoughts but on a society level and then take no action to then be like atleast t #my knowledge or its just not fckn working bitch its crickets. men should be able to feel safe enough to share their fears and worries to be #vulnerable but that isn't coddling bs and pointing the fingers at women at afab. theres weight in the way both sexes have been socialized #its cause and effect i refuse that it can't be helped. i refuse it. i reject it. thats not me discrediting or trying to come at gender(s)#at ppls gender identity etc. i mean everything makes us who we are. its all part of a journey. ones sex doesn't invalidate such a thing.#humans are so complex to say someones just pulling shit out their ass for the giggles is wild. no matter what it rings true for people #its not for us to choose for eachother we don't choose what others want to share we can't decide how someone else feels we can't read them-#back a book they feel like they've never heard or is bs and give them the finger. u can't tell someone they're the authour and they didn't #write the book or they didn't hire you or agree and want u to write it for them? ur not a ghostwriter bitch ur writing perception #i mean the way we're brought up the way society has become accustomed it effects results its a world in of itself made #to no fruitful benefit atleast to me for any party. when desire grips you at the throat when you allow your will you allow your every whim #the desire isnt even desire anymore. now you're creating a loop you're creating a possibility for a life with no balance #if men are so upstanding they aren't like one another they aren't the bad ones why is the refusal to move forward and write past men up #write them wrong feel so heavy or resound so heavily atleast to me. write for better because you're better. know you're better.#excitement as it once was turns into not enough then again and again. and the core issue even thbere i care for other parties responsibilit #relationships are a back and forth dont choose for others what they want dont decide for others. ask them.#u shouldn't have to constantly prove ur different but heres the thing if in ur life those who know you atleast if u have walked the road #u speak of the valiant road you've trecked supposedly there'd be nothing to prove. you've walked it. if a new person comes along you dont #need effort to show you have basic respect for another. and if u dont have that respect dont get mad at those who dont want u in their live #u took yourself out their market. life is a in moment custom experience. buckle up. not me talking about love like a business worker or smt

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an-theduckin · 1 month

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Wait shit people might actually care about me

#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw #hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha #but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit #texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text #cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that #i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone #i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that #i thought theyd just be indifferent to it #also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears #and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me #ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way #i saw myself #really and truly i love you guys so much #even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock #anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better #life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now #at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity #thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao #tw vent #tw sui implied #tw sui ideation #tw self loathing #tw self destructive behavior #<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore #if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd #love youu <33

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toastsnaffler · 8 months

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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent #.diaries

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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months

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...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

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britneyshakespeare · 10 months

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He won't leave my fucking friends alone.

#tales from diana #sorry this is about that bad friend i have to break up w that ive posted abt on and off the past couple weeks/months maybe #i still have to send him that final 'i dont wanna speak to you ever again'#ive been fucking busy ok. my summer has been full of family events and obligations #i have one brother getting married and the other having a baby!!! i have a LIFE and SHIT TO DO and PPL TO BE THERE FOR other than YOU!!!#i havent spoken to him in over 2 months too and he knows it's bc i don't want to #he's so difficult bc you can't fucking tell him the truth. you can't!!! he can't handle it!!! do you know how hard it is to handle???#the things i have to do to cut him off. because he doesn't respect normal fucking boundaries. make ME feel like im in the wrong #like im the shady person and the liar.#i can't drift from him bc hell pull me back #i can't communicate w him bc he won't hear anything i have to say he'll just turn it around & make it abt himself.#he literally does not understand ppl having motivations to do things that don't relate to him #and he has no sympathy for what he does to other ppl. nothing but self-pity for how they don't like him anymore.#if he dealt w someone who put him through half of what he put ME through. no he couldn't actually.#i only allowed him to manipulate me for so long because i cared abt him. who i thought he was.#and he just point blank period doesn't care about other ppl. so he could never go through what ive gone through w him.#i feel like all this friend breakup has proven to me is that im actually a good person and it can be used against me by ppl who arent #some fucking lesson i needed to learn huh?#i hate feeling as negatively towards anyone as i do towards him. it's so hard for me not to have at least #a little spark of hope deep down for everyone. even ppl ive removed from my life before. i dont HATE them #theyve disappointed me or insulted me or mistreated me but at least their motivations seemed simple and clear #and MOST of them seemed to understand SOMEWHAT that they were in the wrong #even if they don't admit it to me or still find an excuse to hate me. whatever #i can see them as ppl who might feel remorse someday and grow from it #i do not see it in this guy. bc if you have a problem w him he'll only make it 20 times worse.#he's so selfish it genuinely baffles me to think about it. and he's one of the least honest ppl ive ever known.#he'll never see the error of his ways. i do not believe he has that capacity.#and will i say none of this to him? no #im just going to say thanks for leaving me alone these past couple months. it's been good for me.#i don't think i can continue our friendship anymore for my own sake.

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jrwiyuri · 10 months

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I’m always so fascinated by fan culture.. is there like genuine research on why people act the way they do to normal human beings.

#stupid snake talk #like why ppl are obsessed with face reveals #and information in general but my mind went to face revelas #cause I remembered that one person who like.. analyzed faceless YouTubers handwriting I think.. or smth like that and tried to draw what #they imagined their face to be #and general people jsut being obnoxious about asking #I have never ever in my life cared about what a youtuber has looked like ever #I didn’t know a lot of herm1tcraft members were open about what they look like for that very reason #I JUST DONT CARE..#so it’s like facinating to see it be such a big deal #like w/ r4nboo i never cared about seeing their eye #I could not personally give a fuck about what their eyes looked like at all #but I WAS happy that they were seemingly feeling more comfortable in their body #that’s cool #but even then it was like.. idk it was a distanced ‘wow proud of u’#maybe it’s cuz I’m always overly self aware of how I act about ccs due to like leftover purity culture #but I’m always so aware of like.. I don’t KNOW this cc they aren’t my friend they aren’t my anything ever they just make content #and I never will and I also don’t have a desire to #and it’s just truly like incomprehensible to me that someone would #lol #this was a long rant just to say ‘I don’t get why that guy is so special.. that’s just a guy?’#that’s a grown ass person I will never know and likely never speak too or even see in person #I got fictional characters to be rotating in my brain I don’t have time to think about what fuckin tu/bbos favorite color is or whatever #idc #at all

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paeonie-s · 2 years

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genuinely so emo abt the fact that i have friends who want to do stuff w me now omg

#i was v scared for college bc i have had. such awful luck w finding ppl who want to do things w me #the closest friendship ive ever had was online lol and even that ended w me being ignored and pushed away so its a v foreign experience for #other ppl to v openly. enjoy my company and continously invite me to things just bc they want me to be there #like ik a good part of that is everyone trying to not be lonely as shit these first couple weeks but all of the friends im referring to #were part of a summer program where they got to show up like 6 weeks early and so they already have friends and ppl to hang out w #so its still rly cool that i showed up made friends w like 2 of them and now 3 weeks later im having to actively plan time to do hw and #watch my shows and stuff bc im being invited to eat and walk around and watch movies and do things all the time #shit is surreal !! im so grateful esp when my suggestions for things to do are well recieved like today alone i invited some of them #to go to the barnes and noble opening in a town near us next month + to a open house at our states observatory. and other ppl were actually #excited to learn abt those. its insane im so used to being ignored and treated like the things i care abt dont matter i love life rn omg #ppl are so cool and interesting sometimes i still feel like i am the most boring person in the room bc i never had the time money location #or motivation to explore a ton of my interests but when i tell ppl abt that feeling theyre like bitch me too !!! lets go snowboard and hike #and have observing nights and paint and dress up for halloween together and its makes me so happy. that is all #actually one more thing i was initially thinking abt dressing up as asa csm (which is. already an improvement from younger me feeling so #isolated she avoided dressing up for halloween for a decade bc she never felt close enough to go w anyone) BUT NOW im a part of a 2 month #old plan for like a dozen ppl to dress up as monster high girls AND im gonna be draculaura. literally such a slay i cant #🌸.txt

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bixiaoshi · 1 year

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#thinking abt my dad as often as i do pisses me off bcs i've tried to convince myself for years that i dont care abt him and he's irrelevant #to me but i just. i think of him so often. he's so present in my life without being and it makes me mad. it makes me furious #i can't do shit without thinking my dad used to take me here i can't go places i went w him without thinking i was here w my dad once i ate #this food w him once and i hate thinking of him on his birthday bcs out of the 8 years i stopped seeing him he has msged me like 3 times in #all my birthdays and i feel bad bcs i take those fucking msges as oh maybe he is trying to reconnect w me but is he really? can i take a #maximum of 3 msges a year as trying hard to reconnect with me? even tho he has been told time and time again speaking to him doesn't do me #any good?#last time i saw him was 6 years ago. is he rlly trying?#ever since i stopped going to his house i've seen him. 3 times. in 8 years. 3 times. and is he rlly trying?#and i hate craving love from him bcs i know will never get it. i will never get him to be a father to me bcs he's simply not able to be a #good father to me. other ppl yeah. he's present in other people's lives but not mine. he was a good person to everyone but me #and yet even tho i am aware of everything he put me through is not smth dads who love their kids do i still wish for him to be my father #is he even aware i'm supposed to graduate this year #i don't miss him. i don't. but i still wish he was the dad he once was #and i think what makes me sadder is the fact that he was a good dad once he was a present father once but smth happened along the way and #he chose another person above me and decided i just wasn't worth the effort of being a good parent #jo.txt

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bunnihearted · 8 months

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📓🖊🐰

#im scared #because i have one person in my life who i actually........ feel like trusting #i believe their words. i believe that they wouldnt lie to me #despite my extreme abandonment issues (i go thru the emotions of being left very very easily) —#i didnt freak out when they were quiet for a bit bc i *felt* like they're someone who wouldnt do that to me #not without words or saying anything at all to me #but im scared bc i love and care for them so much #what if i do smth wrong? what if i drive them away? what if i say smth bad or what if they find out smth they dont like abt me #i like them so much i cant even imagine not having them in my life in one way or another forever :(((#and i feel like a lot of my feelings abt this has to do w my avpd. so it's hard to explain #basically im just scared of letting ppl close bc that never ends well #but i love them sm i just cant... idk it's all so scary. idk how to put it into words actually ://#or maybe... maybe it'll just happen again #bc what if. what if they'll leave me too. i cant not think abt that or be scared abt it bc what it

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snekdood · 1 year

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Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg #even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not #i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online.#and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do #in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the #emotional and mental maturity that i do #i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is #i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me.#i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too #like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself #THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility'#i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box #and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put #me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like.#i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me.#idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the #final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did #that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME #ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT.#which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to.#im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad #im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt #think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is #self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me.#they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign.#im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy #even towards the people they hurt and like to smear.#because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to #have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me #and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.

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ironmanstan · 1 year

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unfortunately i look extremely approachable for some reason and paired with this i think way too slow to keep up w new social situations + this is like art school and i cant plan how to act for this yet and now 3 times back to back already i have gone through the mortifying ordeal of having art student girls introduce themselves to me -> i out of habit introduce myself w my old name -> they ask for my art instagram -> i give it to them without thinking and then have to explain why my name is rohan on there

#ME. A MORON: YEAH UH WELL YOU SEE #fumbles the bag in 4 million different ways and ends up saying im trans just for them to go 'oh ok!' ALL THAT FOR NOTHING #hate it here #every time someone finds out they get all apologetic but like i dont even really care x__x id care more if u knew and did it on purpose #i dont hate my old name and i stuck with it 4 a while bc i didnt like anything else that fit enough to change it to something i felt-#better represented me outside of just meaning but also in gender yknow. and i still have to use old name w most ppl so like whatever #but then well i do my idiot antics and then everyone feels awkward bc they think they are like hate criming me JKNFMNJNFDK #i dont know how to exist like this. i am used to giving everyone my insta i dont use and being done with it #partially also bc thats like me sorting people into 'people i can be acquaintances with' and 'people i can be friends with'#i.e. people who i cant come out to and people i can. the former being the vast vast majority.#like i have not. ever ever in my life met another queer or trans person irl until literally yesterday.#WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE LMAOOO #in theory if none of these girls ever speak to me again i can start over and start dodging everyone until they prove themselves lmaooo #but if they are all okay with it then maybe its fine. who knowsss. not chancing it w the other muslim kids tho lmao #the gamer speaks uwu

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gommyworm · 2 years

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:^/

#i look so fucking hot today #and i have nobody to appreciate it #my best friend lives 8 hrs away and constantly leaves me on read #which i understand we both tend to drop off the face of the earth when we arent around each other #my only other friend is a guy like 3 yrs younger than me who i have more of a like ? casual friendship w where we like #complain about the government and check in on each other n stuf #and like hes a very good boy but i cant like Talk to him about my life or show him my very attractive fit bc thatd be weird asf #and the only other person i talk to is my ex lmfaooo and that has its whole set of issues #i really desperately need friends or like a bf or something like i cant sit with myself like this every day or im gonna kms #i should hit up my therapist lmaoo i ghosted her a while ago and gooooood would i love someone to talk to rn lmao #like someone who already knows backstory and like the shit involved in my stupid shitty life #man i made my makeup look so nice so i coukd stop crying all day and now i fucking ruined it lmfao #idk why im so stressed these days i just want to be dead #i genuinely think i need like professional help lol like this is way worse than normal #maybe seasonal depression on top of the regular shit ? idk whats even happening anymore #i think im gonna really try and read a book so today so i can not exist for a bit #man and i got all fancy n shit 😔😔😔😔 this sucks ass #maybe i should get some sort of diary app or soemthing so i dont have to do this on tumbkr lmfao #prpbably less embarassing that way #whatever not like ppl reading this really care plus its interesting to see ppls thots i think #i hope u enjoyed the show :^)#gommywords

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lucaonthropy · 29 days

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Holy shit

#luca rambles #random ass thoughts #ziggy z #pulau batu di samudra buatan #now i personally didnt think the twist is THAT good from. like. plot point of view #because it makes no sense #and its kinda obvious that in a mystery novel that uses first person POV #the POV character is also a suspect. the biggest one in fact #BUT!#i cant even bring myself to care and critique that #because of the fucking. visceral scene of a child stabbing someone with a pencil and shooting them in the head to protect her family #and the fact it is the same child who almost killed someone else with a fire extinguisher then has a crisis about it afterwards #god #what the fuck #AND AND #the culprit killed his own daughter AND his daughter's fiance bcs he doesn like him???? bro??????? jail and therapy for a thousand year????#love the fact that he's revealed as a millionaire lmao rich people really do suck do they #god. so many people died and for what???#i think the twist is deliberately unsastisfying bcs. well. we see it in real life dont we #rich ppl being evil?#also my god when suji describes what shes gone through trying to save them all....#she swam through hot polluted water and had to float on dead bodies #and she wasnt even traumatized! she just wanted to be with her mom and siblings and go home!#(thats a lie i think she was traumatized but everything else took the forefront of her mind that time)#(same with kali)#augh #that shooting scene will haunt me #an innocent kid drenched with blood ohmygod

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