#like going from listening to them for a whole road trip and falling in love with them/truly having their music open the door to change my

[works-of-heart]

The fandom is so lucky to have you! We appreciate having you here and all that you contribute to it ❤️❤️

1. What brought you into the fandom?

2. What character(s) do you feel the most connected to and why?

3. Out of all of SJM’s books, which one means the most to you and why?

4. Out of all of the SJM couples (fanon, canon, endgame, etc) which one means the most to you and why?

Keep doing you ❤️

Awww!! Thank you so much! This really warms my heart!

1. I got into ACOTAR in 2020, I am not sure why I delayed so long, I was eyeing the series since 2018, and decided to dive straight in. Since the first book I was hooked and immediately picked up the rest of the series! I loved it so much but there wasn't anyone else I knew to talk about it with. So I found reddit and wanted to share my feelings.

I found some parts of the fandom so polarizing, and many of my thoughts and likes were the unpopular ones, so I retreated for a while. I recently stumbled back into Tumblr when I found that there were quite a lot of people here who enjoyed the books as I did and art and fics to share. I wanted to add to that, to be in this space and contribute my own works that I've been dying to share and geek out with others.

I've met so many incredible people in this fandom, many who are super talented and skilled artists and writers, others who contribute in their own ways, and I have been glad to be here ever since!

2. Honestly? Lucien and Elain.

Lucien because he doesn't ever really fit in. He's made a home for himself in spring yes, but then thar fell apart. He lost everything and is with two others who have been his companions and made their own way. He doesn't think a whole lot of himself, he doesn't believe he's needed, as he said "a whole lot of nothing." I resonate with this so much. I've had friends whole dumped me and left me for their own group, I've known what it's like to be invited into gatherings but feel so utterly alone and unwanted, those moments really sat with me when reading his parts of the story, and so I'm excited to see him find himself and grow into truly valuing who he is, realizing he isn't just some seventh son of a lord.

With Elain, the way she's seen by her family is something infeel all too well. She's the people pleaser, the one who tries to balance out the bad with good. She's the one people think is just simple, plain, and 'pleasant'. People think she's uninteresting because she isn't causing waves, that she just enjoys her hobbies and that's it. No one thinks she's capable of more and generally deny her of trying anything else. This really spoke to me on a personal level.

I resonate a lot with Elain who tries to make the best of every situation, but also has a side of her that many have yet to see.

3. I don't think I particularly have one that means the "most" to me persay. At least not yet. I would say the CC books hold a special place in my heart. My husband bought HOEAB on audio book and during a long road trip we listened to it and he was so into it, that it made me smile. He enjoys the series and eagerly bought HOSAB audio book so we took a long drive to listen to it.

4. This will come as no surprise to anyone that it's Elucien for me! The moment Lucien lunged for Elain to try and stop her from being thrown into the cauldron, I was already shipping them, and him whispering with shock "you're my mate" I was sold!

I don't know what it is about them, but the potential they have, the slow burn, the thought of Lucien having given up on true love after Jesminda, only to be given a mate in Elain??! I want it all! I want to see Elain and Lucien having the most tsundere romance, the kind where she's denying her feelings aloud as if it would assure her that she's totally not falling in love with him. The way we can see how their powers will sync, and find home in each other. Their relationship reminds me so much of my own journey with my husband that I can't wait to see it unfold.

I could go on and on as to why I personally love these two together, but at the end of the day, they bring me so much joy and have been the inspiration to so much of my artwork. ❤️

[xxoxobree]

Morales Fam Road Trip HC’s.

Ft. Jeff, Rio , The Twins, And You 🥰

You guys are driving to Florida To Visit Rio’s Parents. Orlando Specifically.

You weren’t supposed to come but the twins begged you and their parents until they heard yes.

It was so last minute too, they asked you two days before the trip.

It was Really Miles’ idea that you came, he hates to be separated from you.

Milo (because you guys like that name 😭 it’s so basic) too hates to be separated from you but he’s Capital P fr so he couldn’t let you know that.

Rio said you guys weren’t going to any theme parks but the ticket prices are reasonable so they bought them to surprise you.

You are forced in the middle seat to keep the peace between the twins. 😂

It works for the first 2 hours of the trip.

Big Daddy Jeff 😍

He’s Driving ofc

Goes 10 under the speed limit.

Calls out every traffic violation he sees.

Had a lot of coffee so he’s a bit jittery and is talking a lot.

Holds Rio’s hand🥰

Does the dad hand thing when he hears snacks being opened.

Shakes it and throws it in his mouth 🤣

He was that nigga back in the day, yk what I mean ? 😏 so the playlist is good but clean versions only 🤣

Does the dad “Hey.” When y’all are misbehaving in the back.

We’ll get there when we get there , when asked how much longer.

Needs to stop to pee every hour 🤣

Mama Rio.

Had to pray for her sanity before she entered the car.

Takes pictures of everyone and everything the whole car ride.

Loves the cows , makes everyone look at the cows and horses.

“Oh my god Jeff, stop.” Whenever he calls out a road violation.

Ask if you guys are excited every time you stop.

Turns around with the mom face when you guys aren’t listening. Fussed at you guys in Spanish.

Y’all are listening to Selena.

Plays some of her childhood music and talks about memories in Puerto Rico.

Plantain chips and water. And don’t ask her for none. 🤣 She gives Milo some cause that’s her baby Miles is salty , but she shares with him too.

Miles

Is sooo excited you said yes, has a whole itinerary for you guys, that he FaceTimed you about the night before.

Sits to the left behind Jeff

Sketches Things he sees, on the way , redesigns street signs. Sketches a picture of you and his brother.

Shows you the sketches to get your approval.

Only one who listens to Jeff’s fun facts

“That looks like you” when he sees something ugly. He did it to Jeff and had the whole car cracking up

Begs to go to universal studios because he wants to take a picture with Megatron. Lowkey a minions fan too.

Shares his blanket with you.

Leans on your shoulder and falls asleep.

Makes you watch cartoons with him. You love it.

He and Jeff eats everyone snacks. Doesn’t want to share his tho.

Share with you ofc.

Tells you stories of his grandparents.

Takes pictures of him you and Milo.

Throws his legs across you and Milo.

Milo

Is excited you came too but he’s Capital P so he just hugs you.

Is the reason you’re in the middle. “I’m not sitting next to him ma.”

He leans on your shoulder too , they’re clingy boys.

Talks to Rio in Spanish the whole ride.

Shares his AirPods with you. His playlist is fyeeee🔥🔥🔥 puts you onto new artists and songs.

Plays IMessage games with you. He wins every time.

Texts you talking shit about Miles 🤣 you tell him to be nice.

Shares his candy with you and Miles

Him and Miles go back and forth about Miles eating his snacks.

Pushes Miles’ legs off of him every time and give him a death glare.

“We close Ma?” Rolls his eyes every time he hears no.

Watches Tik toks with you

[avocado-writing]

roadtrip au

I can’t stop thinking about a modern au roadtrip and what everyone would be doing in the minivan you definitely have. I’m sorry if this has been done before but -

Tav

You’re driving. Would you trust any of those other fools to? No. Absolutely not letting them behind the wheel

Responsible for keeping the schedule. You have to be at your destination on time and you’ll be damned if they’ll stop you.

The only person you sometimes let take over if you need a break is —

Gale

Let’s be real. Only other one of you with a driving license.

he sits shotgun mostly because he reads the map for you if your GPS goes out.

tries to work out shortcuts. Fails miserably. If you follow his “time saving” directions you’ll get so fucking lost. Only trust him to read out your planned route and nothing else.

Astarion

Fucking hates road trips. Catch him with a sleep mask on and headphones in. Will absolutely sleep through the whole entire thing.

Let’s be clear. He doesn’t NEED to sleep. But he does because he can’t fucking stand car talk. Would rather listen to podcasts and be in his own world. especially because of —

Lae’zel

Hates road trips too but because she’s a terrible backseat driver. Doesn’t understand why you can’t speed all the way there to make the trip more efficient, or take out other cars.

rolls down the window to shout at people on the road who she thinks are driving poorly.

Gets in fights with people at the gas station when you stop to refuel the car. And also in the car with —

Shadowheart

Always there to bicker with Lae’zel. When she’s not doing that she’s brooding out of the window.

Mutters that this must be some sort of trial from her god, because she is suffering being stuck in this minivan.

does fall asleep on the shoulder of the person sitting next to her though. (Often Lae’zel. Weird they always sit next to each other when they can’t seem to get along… but Lae’zel does let her sleep, claiming that the silence is better.)

Karlach

One of the few people who enjoys the ride!

likes to call out farm animals she sees as you drive by. “Sheep!” or “cows!”

LOVES a game of yellow car. Especially the version where you punch each other. Therefore she doesn’t get many volunteers to sit next to her.

Wyll

He controls the music and the aux cord. People all approve of his music tastes. Makes the best playlists, change my mind

he’s often singing along too, he has a nice voice, catch him and Tav belting out “unwritten” at the top of their lungs as you speed down the motorway.

helps settle fights in the van. Massive peacekeeper. If there was no Wyll there would be no roadtrip.

Halsin

Hates being in a car but sucks it up and does it anyway.

this man is the snack master. He brings all the snacks. And good stuff too, like a lot of nice sweets and crisps…

… because if people are eating they aren’t arguing.

likes to be next to a window so he can see nature go by, gets into conversations with Karlach about the animals and trees around 💕

[nycreid]

could you do how popstar!reader and spencer met and like the early days of them when they were talking but not fully dating quite yet. like reader being really down bad and obsessed with him and writing about him all the time. pleaseeeeee i love the popstar au xx

Smitten

spencer reid x fem!popstar!reader

hiii anon!!! tysm for ur request and i’m sorry this is late 😞😞

Y/N knew it was the honeymoon stage but her cheeks hurt from smiling and she couldn’t help but pick up her pen and start writing about Spencer, love songs about Spencer to be specific. The days of sad songs are in her past now as Spencer sheds a new light on love for her.

They have been prancing around each other for a few weeks, the words “Can I be your boyfriend?” dancing on Spencer’s tongue and Y/N falling smitten each day with him.

The way the light reflected off his perfect sculpted cheekbones, oh how his hair messily falls perfectly, and how he felt comfortable rambling about anything and everything to her and her always listening. So, of course Y/N had to write a song about him.

“You the medication when I'm feeling anxious

That's the kind of shit I like

Teach me how to love you

I'm not learning what ain't right

I want you to keep speaking my love language.”

Was it a little direct? Maybe, but writing her feelings was the best way to let them out. Y/N releases the song on a hot day in July, the perfect song to blast on the radio on a summer road trip.

Spencer rarely drives but on the way to the BAU, he decides to turn on the radio, something pulling him to (specifically the pop radio), and he hears a light tune and your voice running on the track.

“Hm, he hasn’t heard this one before? Is this new?” Spencer thought, he can’t help but have a smile grow on his face as he listens to the song, infatuated with your voice and cheeks warm as he listens to the lyrics.

Spencer can’t help but dial your number first thing as he pulls into the parking lot and gives you a call, and you immediately answer.

“Hey, I just heard your new song? It’s- um, it’s good!” Spencer manages to sputter out while his cheeks are still a bit flushed, was this whole thing a sign for him to wake up and ask her to be official?

“Oh hey Spencer! Thank you, I’m glad you like it.” Y/N says with a teasing smile that Spencer can practically hear over the phone.

Spencer is already planning the date where he’s asking you to be his girlfriend, “Um, wanna grab dinner with me this weekend?” He mentally face palms himself for being too direct. “Sorry- was that too forward?”

Y/N chuckles, “I would love to go to dinner with you, and no it wasn’t.” Y/N smiles, “I like a man who’s forward.”

—

idk how to feel abt this i hope u enjoy anon!!! x pls send in more popstar!reader requests🙏

song is love language by ariana grande 💋

[epicbuddieficrecs]

Weekly Recap | July 29th-August 4th 2024

Against my best intentions, I've been seduced by the dark side 🙈 (the infideleddie/buckfidelity trend).

Complete

i swear it will get easier by lecornergirl/ @clusterbuck (Post-S7, Chris&Buddie | 1,8K | General): “Chris texted me last night.” Tension slams into Eddie’s body. “Is he okay?” “He’s fine,” Buck says quickly. “There’s nothing wrong. He just—” he looks up, meets Eddie’s eyes. “He asked me how you’re doing.” Eddie’s face falls. “I’ve been texting,” he says, voice small. “Just—checking in, you know? Every day. But yesterday I thought—maybe I should give him some space—” he scrubs a hand across his face. “Did he think—” He doesn’t complete the sentence, but Buck fills in the blanks. Did he think I’d given up on him?

Jeep Talking by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Chim POV | 2K | Teen): A ride in the backseat of Buck's Jeep with Buck and Eddie in the front gives Chim new perspective on his brother-in-law's strange dynamic with his so-called "best friend.' And Chim is sick of them being so oblivious.

I'm falling apart (and all I want is to trust you) by diaz_evan (3x03: The Searchers | 2K | General): OR Eddie and Christopher's reactions to Buck collapsing in 3x03: The Searchers.

unless you're choosing me by bucksclipboard/ @excuseme-greentea (Post-S7, Misunderstandings | 4K | Teen): “Could you check that?”, Eddie called from the kitchen. He had insisted to make something for them tonight instead of ordering their usual pizza and ice cream dinner. “Sure”, Buck replied and snatched the phone off the coffee table. He knew the pass code – it was the day Eddie had started working at the 118. There was no new text, just a message from his phone provider, but an earlier conversation was still opened. Before Buck could place the phone back on the table, something caught his eye. Why was Eddie talking to Hen about him? or: buck reads a text he wasn’t supposed to read

can't ignore the crazy visions of me in la by wafflesofdoom/ @capseycartwright (Post-S7, Getting Together, Pride | 4K | General): Margarita-drunk Buck ruminates on how beautiful Eddie Diaz is while his best friend is dancing to Chappell Roan. That's what LA pride is for, right? - or, alternatively: Eddie spends his first pride as an out queer man in a gay club, and Buck is in love with him about it.

the one where buck finds out by weewooforever (Post-S7, Misunderstandings, Getting Together | 5K | Teen): “You’re — You’re over me?” Buck manages to choke out, looking towards Eddie with wide eyes. “When were you… “ He says, his voice barely above a whisper as he tries to make sense of this whole situation. “When were you under me?” or the one where buck listens to a voicemail that turns his whole life upside down.

nothing wrong with me loving you by cranberrymoons/ @cranberrymoons (Post-S7, Cheating, Sexting | 5K | Explicit): He’s not thinking about it. He’s not. He’s definitely not. Buck leaves for the night, gets in his car and drives away like everything’s normal – normal because it is, it literally is, it’s the most normal night in the world, and Eddie is the most normal he’s ever been, and then maybe an hour later, he gets a text. * buck and eddie watch red white and royal blue together; one thing leads to another (aka: the sexting fic) (Part 1 of 🔥buck and eddie's red hot infidelity summer)

i'll come to you and drop my bags (you'll help me unpack them) by farfromthstars/ @doeeyeseddie (Post-S7, Media fic | 5K | General): eddie has some important conversations via text over the course of the worst(?) summer of his life.

🔥Down to the Bones of Me by giselleslash/ @gigi-gigi (Post-S7, Road Trip | 5K | Teen): The morning after Christopher leaves Eddie gets in his truck and drives. Buck lets him go, and Eddie fights to come back for both of them.

Oopsie Daisy (Never Knew That Was Your Boo, Baby) by ameliahart (Post-S7, Cheating | 5K | Explicit): The first time it happens, it’s Tommy’s fault. Maybe that’s unfair, all things considered, but Eddie certainly isn’t going to blame Buck for it. And Eddie’s single, so it can’t be his fault. But Tommy sent Buck a dick pic while Buck was at Eddie’s house, so Eddie feels secure in blaming Tommy for everything that happened after. * Or, five times Buck cheats on Tommy with Eddie, and one time he doesn't.

I Always Wanted My Own Spark by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Future Fic | 5K | Teen): In 2040, during the midst of a family crisis, Christopher Diaz and his younger brother butt heads. (Part 5 of 🔥Anywhere I Want, Just Not Home)

it's a small crime (i got no excuse) by justhockey (Post-S7, Cheating | 6K | Mature): It’s a dangerous game they’re playing. Buck doesn’t care. He’d like to blame it on the alcohol running through his blood and loosening his inhibitions. On the rough shift, or the even rougher week he’s had. He’d like to blame it on Eddie, or Tommy, or anything at all that could absolve him of what he’s about to do. But the truth is, Buck just wants. He wants, and he wants, and he wants. So he takes.

hang me up on your bedroom wall by hrudayam/ @eddiegettingshot (Post-S7, PWP, Cheating, Breeding kink | 6K | Explicit): “You’re going to be a great father someday,” Eddie says eventually, because he’s worse than he used to be and Buck’s reverent eyes make him feel—they just make him feel. “Eddie, I—” “You are,” he repeats, firm. “Don’t you think I’d know better than anyone?”

drink up (you're wasted on me) by okanus/ @buddieism (7x06: There Goes The Groom, PWP, Cheating | 9K | Explicit): Or: Eddie and Buck hook up at the bachelor party. Difficulties ensue.

close ain't close enough (til we cross the line) by cranberrymoons/ @cranberrymoons (Post-S7, Cheating, Sexting | 10K | Explicit): Eddie thinks about it for a minute. He really does, because he’s more clear-headed now than he was last night, so he thinks better of it for maybe thirty seconds. Remembers the inarguable fact that Buck has a boyfriend and that Eddie is – well. Learning some things about himself, maybe, but is very specifically not Buck’s boyfriend, so. He shouldn’t. Right? Except. (Part 2 of 🔥buck and eddie's red hot infidelity summer)

all my little words by youbetsya/ @maddiebuckettebuckley (Post-S7, Epistolary | 11k | Teen): Eddie: Did you just send me an email? Buck: yeah lol. Eddie: Why… I dont think you’ve ever emailed me actual words before. Just stuff to print when your printer is broken Buck: did you read it? Eddie: Not yet. Too busy trying to figure out why the fuck you’re emailing me. Buck: just read it dude 🙄

🔥treat an opportunity like it's treating you by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon Divergent, Post-S2 | 12K | Teen): After losing his leg as a result of the fire engine bombing, Buck is presented with the opportunity to have a service dog donated to him.

🔥 Operation: Keep Eddie Diaz Busy and Annoyed by giselleslash/ @gigi-gigi (Post-S7, Getting Together | 15K | General): Or, the one where Buck forces Eddie to keep busy while Chris is gone, but ends up catching a bad case of The Feelings in the middle of Eddie learning to love pickling things to irritate Chim and charming old ladies through square dancing.

🔥I think if you're lucky by colonoscopys/ @colonoscopys (Prince Buck/Firefighter Eddie | 19K | Teen): Evan hits him with his car.

mask over my eyes and an arrow through the heart by youbetsya/ @maddiebuckettebuckley (Post-S7, Cheating | 35K | Explicit): “Look, you’re my family, a-and I want you guys to be on board with this.” Buck is tense, anxious. Eddie should really say something. Be supportive. “But it’s happening either way. So.” Bobby leans over to clap Buck on the shoulder, staring him straight in the eye as he does. “I am happy for you, Buck. As long as you’re sure.” Some of the tension falls away from Buck’s posture. He smiles. “I am. Sure. I’m super sure.” “Alright then.” Bobby pats Buck’s shoulder once more before he pulls away. “Congratulations, kid.” Buck visibly exhales in relief, which Eddie finds solace in despite the fact that he’s currently being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. Or: Buck is getting married. He is.

drift past the flowers. by dylaesthetics (Post-S6, (Un)requited Love | 45K | Teen): OR Buck and Natalia get engaged, and Eddie flees the state about it. A petty email correspondence ensues.

WIP

Where there's smoke by rainbow_nerds/ @rainbow-nerdss (Multiverses | 4/31 | 5K | Teen): His eyelids are heavy. His lungs ache. The smoke is dense and thick, slowly suffocating him. Eddie feels himself drift as Buck’s voice penetrates the smoke, cuts through the fog in his brain. “Eddie, stay with me. Stay with me, Eds.” Eddie wants to stay. He wants to open his eyes and see Buck. He doesn’t want to leave. But he’s so tired, and sleep is calling him. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe his dreams will be sweet. Maybe there’ll be peace, there. And maybe, if he just rests for a little while, he’ll be able to find his way back.

E & E: A Buddie Drabble Collection by Tizniz (Prompt fic | 108/? | 24K | General): A collection of drabbles for Buck and Eddie.

Best Case Scenario by lesbianrobin/ @lesbianrobin (Podcast, Multimedia fic | 2/? | 4K | Teen): Buck and Eddie start a podcast. a multimedia epistolary fic

🔥 Things We're All Too Young to Know by Daisies_and_Briar / @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon S1-S6, Divergent Post-S6 | 132/? | 419K | Mature): This is a love story. Even if it doesn’t always look like it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. A look back on Eddie and Buck's lives up to now, and what led them to each other, interpreted from the current 9-1-1 canon.

[blingblong55]

Keep Driving -Simon "Ghost" Riley

Based on a request: When or if your requests are open can you do Ghost taking care of hungover f!reader please? Thank you <3 ---- F!Reader, fluff, established!relationship, hangover, boyfriend!Ghost ----

You were out with your friends tonight at some pub. The night was more than great, and it's been so long since you got to go out and catch up with your friends. Simon stayed back and was just your designated driver for the night and when you called, he excitedly drove to you.

Within ten minutes, he was there, getting out of his car and with a soft and warm hug, he guided you to the car. "Had fun, lovie?" he softly asks and you nod. Before you reach for the handle, he swats your arm away. Always a gentleman, his mum would remind him. He laughs when you pout, something so adorable but so funny to him. Once in the car, he notices how you were falling asleep and he knows a thing or two about falling asleep after drinking, so he won't let you fall asleep so quickly. "So, what did you talk about?" he asks as he keeps his eyes on the road. "…Old drama from school…with updated news," you mention and smile. Always the gossiper, you and he the listener to those stories.

"Any updates on that girl from science class?" He had to admit, he was invested in that story from day one. "Yes, and it gets better," you say and he nods. The whole ride home, the rundown of the drama was given to him.

Once he got you home, gave you something to eat and then made sure you got cleaned and into your comfy clothes. His big shirt on you and that warm and soft blanket that you like. Your head hurts as you begin to sober up. Simon knows this and he sighs, "You can drink the pill so your head doesn't hurt, lovie," he mentions and kisses your forehead, you groan.

"Si, I don't want to drink some pill," you wrap your arms around him and bury your face in his chest. A low chuckle escapes his lips, "Lovie, you need it, or else you'll cry like last time," he brushes your hair with his calloused fingers. "I hit my head while walking in, that doesn't count," you mumble and he smiles. Stubborn little thing you are, he thinks.

Was it scary to think he loved moments like this?

By morning, as he slept, he heard and felt you trying to get up from bed. But his strong arms snake around your body. It was like they were meant to hold you this way.

Your head hurts, your mouth dry and your eyes barely tolerate the light from the early sun. "Fuck, what did I do," you curse under your breath and just on cue you hear his laugh. "Told you so," he mumbles into your neck.

"Shut up," you lean into him. His body getting comfortable in this position.

"Pancakes?" he asks and you nod. "extra syrup please," you ask and he kisses your shoulder, a small yes from him.

It was his cure for hangovers. Maple syrup, coffee, pancakes for two, hash browns because you loved them and his terrible jokes.

The whole day, he kept himself beside you. Not a clingy man when he's home, yeah…sure.

It's a sunny day in Manchester, weird but beautiful that it happened today and what's more nicer is the fact he and you get to eat breakfast in the backyard. The warm sun and those yellow sunglasses of yours complement this great day.

He stays shirtless, his soft muscles letting the sun hit them. You, still in his shirt look at him. It was as if a symphony started playing when your eyes met his body. He is handsome, beautiful even.

Oh…you fell in love, didn't you?… Is that why your heart is beating fast? why now the sight of him has you blushing like a school girl? Why do you feel so many beautiful things for him? It's love, it's him, it's unique and peaceful.

For him, it was three days ago, when you two had gone on some road trip and instead of going home, you turned to him and said, "Keep driving, Si." That was how you ended up in his arms at some petrol station, blushing as you heard him whisper words he meant at that exact moment. "I'm falling in love with you, Y/N- what i…what I mean is…I love you," a nervous chuckle escapes him as you so gently kiss him.

Tags: @liyanahelena @uniquecroissant @goldenmclaren @ghostslillady @moonsua1 @rvivienner @Krinoid24 @iruzias @frazie99 @night-mare-owl-79 @saoirse06 @vampsquerade @alxexhearts @Juneonhoth @tiredmetalenthusiast @jinxxangel13 @strangepuppynightmare @defnotlpuluvyou @enarien @Simonssweetgirl @luvecarson @nellsbobells @willowaftxn83-87 @ikohniik @nobodys-coffee @strawberrychita @sae1kie @queen-ilmaree @pbcartii @Llelannie @Macnches2 @bbyfimmie @avidreadee123 @talooolaaloolla @skelletonwitch @bittermajesties @Nyx_Flower @1234beeandpuppycat @sparky--bunny @honestlyhiswife @who-can-appease-me @ghostwifeyy @@konigssultwithghost @pinkblossomsworld @kaoyamamegami @beansproutmafia @soapybutt17 @asianbutnotjapanese @a-goose-with-a-knife @@foxface013 @anonxasian @born4biriyani @thegreyjoyed @mychemichalimalance @marshiely @sleepyycatt @believeinthefireflies95

[moonchildstyles]

thyme

rosemary part five: harry's tired of hiding. y/n is there to listen

wordcount: 11.4k+

—————

The next time Harry saw morning light, he knew it was real with the way he could actually breathe under the rays. His eyes ached from the amount he had cried the night before, the memory of his nightmare having drained out along with every tear. 

Only a slice of light made it through the tightly drawn shades over the window, the sun bright enough Harry could only begin to assume how long they'd slept in. But, he wasn't going to argue with the hours; after his nightmare had cleared, that was the best sleep he'd had in years. With every blink of his heavy eyes, he gained more and more clarity. 

There was a part of him that wanted to be embarrassed about the way he had acted. The other night when she had tried to comfort him before was nothing compared to the way he had reacted last night. With her tucked carefully under his arm, her breathing even and eyes shuttered, he figured he could quell that awaiting shame for a little while longer. He didn't need to don his facade when she wasn't even awake to witness it. 

Moving cautiously, their shared pillow under his head shifted as he looked to her. That crack in the curtains allowed a splash of light to spill over his chest, leading the ray to fall over her eyes. The divine ribbon of light highlighted the curl of her lashes, the slope of her nose, and the delicate skin of her eyelids. The shadows he had seen under her eyes were now replaced with the reaching lengths of her lashes over her cheekbones. Baby hairs were wild around her face, messed from the way he had reached and grabbed for her the night before. Her hands were still tightly clutching his shirt in her palms, the fabric wrinkled and stretched in her direction.

Looking at her like this, Harry realized he hadn't ever stood a chance, had he? 

This whole thing—his facade, his over-nurtured walls, his control—all turned to dust the second she tapped his shoulder and asked about cookies. He should have known then that things were going to shift, even if he never thought it would turn out like this. 

All because of a gorgeous girl with a ribbon in her hair. 

Seeing her at peace for the first time in days, Harry knew that girl didn't deserve this—this dusty motel, this impromptu road trip, this much deception. 

He couldn't keep doing this to her. She had a life that he'd torn her from, all so he could drag her to different diners and gas stations, dank motels, and a cramped car for hours on end. She had friends who loved her, a job she woke up every morning happy to do, and a sweet little home that deserved to have someone like her live in it. 

It was Harry's mistakes that had caught up with them, and (Y/N) was the one being truly punished by them. She had to sleep in strange places, shower in less than five minutes if she wanted warm water, with questionable food waiting for her at every stop. Her nails even had chips in the paint, something he'd never seen before he tugged her into his mess. 

She didn't deserve this motel or his hands all over her when she didn't even know who she was sharing a bed with. 

He couldn't keep doing this to her. He was running out of money, and (Y/N) deserved to sleep in her own bed and be safe while she did. 

This all had to stop. Today. 

Yesterday's close call told him he wouldn't have to wait around very long for them to find him again. He didn't want (Y/N) to be in the middle of it when that happened. 

There was a plan to be made. Today was the day his past would have to catch his present if he wanted any kind of future. 

—————

"Are we leaving now?" 

(Y/N)'s tired eyes watched as Harry cleaned up the morning's breakfast (it was closer to lunch by the time she woke up, but it was still breakfast in his eyes). While she seemed to actually gain some real rest, her gaze was still tired and a little glassy as she followed him about the motel. 

She hadn't said a single word pertaining to what she had seen the night before, even though he could see those soft bits floating in her irises every time she matched his gaze. 

Looking over his shoulder, he saw her packing up her bag like she did every morning, ready and willing to follow him anywhere. Harry knew he was making the right decision. 

He couldn't be scared anymore. Not for her. 

"We're not leaving today." 

Her hands paused, buried in the bundle of clothes she had packed in her duffle, eyes wide as she looked at him. "What?" 

Taking in a deep breath, Harry sat down on the edge of the bed, the mattress creaking under his weight. He dropped his chin into his hands, his elbows propped up on his knees. "We're not running anymore." 

(Y/N) stood to the full of her height, awkwardly fiddling with her fingers. A pinch creased the space between her brows. "I-I don't think I understand." 

That lance of guilt found its way to a soft spot inside him, stabbing through every layer. He had kept her so far in the dark, and she still trusted him as if he deserved it. 

She didn't look away when he matched her eye contact, his own gaze unwavering as he spoke, "I don't want to run anymore, (Y/N)." 

"Okay," she drawled, gaze darting down as she tried to process what he was saying, "Um, are we going home then?" 

Harry's throat bobbed as he swallowed thickly around his tongue. He had to tell her. He almost wanted to tell her, even. This was the first time the story had ever banged against his chest, fighting to be let out. 

She deserved to know who she slept beside last night. 

"Can I tell you something?" 

(Y/N) stepped towards him on cautious feet, as if she were approaching a wounded animal. She took the spot on the bed beside him, looking at him through furrowed brows and worried eyes. 

"You're scaring me," was her whispered response, hands a nervous knot in her lap. 

A tick appeared in his jaw then. That was what burned him the most; he dreaded the fact that he was more than likely going to hear that from her again soon. 

Nonetheless, he wet his lips before taking in a deep breath, the story unraveling from his tongue. 

"When I was twenty, m'sister started her master's program at a new university, so we moved to the city—me, my mum, and m'sister. My mum wanted to stay close to her, and I didn't really care. I was willing to go wherever they were. But, a few months into her classes, m'sister got this boyfriend." He tried his best not to spit out the title through gritted teeth. Keeping himself in check, Harry settled enough to sit with his eyes on his fisted hands with knitted brows.

"I...He wasn't a good guy, I knew that jus' from the couple of friends I'd made even before he and m'sister got together. It wasn't like I hadn't believed it, but when I saw how he treated m'sister and the way she tried to hide it, I knew it was all true—everything I'd heard." He steeled himself as he felt his throat grow thick. He'd never said any of these things out loud. He was hearing the story for the first time just like she was. "He was... hurting her. Me and my mum didn't know what to do; any time we brought it up to Gemma she'd get really angry, or ignore us. We didn't know how to help. It was really hard for a while.

"But, she had stayed the weekend at his one time, and she came home with these bruises all over her neck. She tried to cover them and hide them with her sweater, but I saw them. I lost it." His hands pulsed in his lap, remembering the way the rage had bubbled in him like it was yesterday. "I had never been so angry in m'life, and Gemma was trying to calm me down but I was too far past any of that. I ended up going to her boyfriend's house that night, telling her and my mum I was seeing a friend. I don't think Gemma believed me but she didn't stop me.

"I don't even know what I thought I was going to do when I got there, honestly. I just wanted him to stop hurting my sister. He answered the door when I got there, and I jus' barged in and started yelling at him. I was telling him that he was going to stop hurting my sister or I was going to do something about it." He shook his head with a humorless laugh spilling from his lips, curls spilling across his forehead. How silly he had been; if only he'd known then what he knew now. "This guy—Trevor—, he laughed at me. I don't blame him now—I was some random kid running into his house threatening him as if I could actually follow through with any of it. But back then, I remember just getting so pissed. I couldn't believe he was going to laugh at me when I was telling him to stop beating m'sister. So, I tried to hit him." 

(Y/N), who had sat silently with her gaze stitched to Harry's face, had let out a soft gasp at his words. Harry's knee began to bounce, his sightless eyes never straying from the outlet in the wall he'd chosen as his focal point. "'S almost funny to think about how quickly he'd knocked me on my ass after that. It was then that I saw that there were a few other guys in the room with us, jus' watching the whole thing. I'd been too mad to see anything other than him when I got there, but now they were all sitting around laughing at me like this whole thing was a joke. I was so embarrassed, I didn't know what to do. I just sat there. 

"I remember he got in my face after that. He told me that if I ever tried to have a problem with him again, it would be very easy for something to happen to m'sister and my mum. I don't even know what I said back, but apparently it was funny enough to get everyone laughing again. I remember him looking around at all his friends, he said he liked me—even if I was a little stupid. The next time he looked at me, he told me that he did have something I could do for him if I really wanted him to leave Gemma alone. 

"I had jumped at the idea. I thought whatever it took, right? I jus' wanted to have m'sister back and my mum to have her daughter. I'd do anything. I must have been especially funny that day, because when I told them that, they all laughed again. He started walking around then, like he was looking for something but didn't really care if he found it or not. He was telling me that he liked me; I had to be brave if I jus' walked into his house and started yelling at him and tried to punch him. Trevor said he had the perfect job for me—if I really wanted to help m'sister anyway."

Harry's mind lingered on the next images the story conjured up. This was the moment everything changed for him. "I don't even know if I said anything to him after that, but I remember him pulling out a gun then, and handing it to me," Harry's throat felt too thick as he tried to swallow, "There was someone that needed to be dealt with, and if I did it for him, he'd stop calling m'sister. I don't think I said anything, but I remember I didn't take it from him right away, just sitting there staring at his hand. I guess I wasn't fast enough because he said if I didn't want to kill for him, he'd jus' get Gemma instead. It didn't make any difference to him." 

From the corner of his eye, he saw (Y/N) go still. "Harry," she whispered, her voice thin and wavering. 

Keeping his eyes forward, Harry shook his head. He couldn't look at her if he wanted to finish this story. He'd crumble if he saw her. 

"I don't really remember what happened after all that well. I think I told him okay, and he showed me how to use the gun, but that was it. They gave me an address and told me to get everything cleaned up by tomorrow morning." Harry's lungs felt heavy as he tried to find enough breath for the words he knew were coming next. That night turned into the first nightmare that followed him for years. He closed his eyes, squeezing his lids shut. "I waited until my mum and Gemma were asleep before I went to the address with the gun. This... The guy, he—uh—he owed m'sister's boyfriend a lot of money, apparently, and he wasn't planning on paying it back anytime soon. They wanted me to kill him because of that. And, I did." 

Behind his closed eyes, Harry saw in too great detail every moment in that dark apartment. His hands shook now just as badly as they did then. His stomach turned at the memory of blood splattering back on his face from the force of the bullet through his skull. He had been standing too close, he knew that now, but he wasn't as good of a shot back then to be much farther away. He forced himself out of that memory, his reality shifting the longer he lingered there. 

"The whole thing was a mess. I don't know how I didn't get caught. The whole time I was jus' thinking about my mum and m'sister, and how I wanted to keep them safe. That was all I was doing; I wasn't brave like Trevor had said. I was jus' stupid, but I didn't have a choice, right?" Shaking his head, Harry moved on. "I went back to Trevor's right after, and I threw up on his lawn twice before anyone realized I was there. When they did, I remember them laughing and asking me if I really did it. I jus' threw up again. By the time I had it together, I remember him telling me that I did a good job—that he was proud of me. He had sent someone after me to make sure everything was taken care of and I didn't tell anyone I shouldn't, and he said I couldn't have done a better job. I think I stopped listening then; I didn't want to be there when he said things like that after I knew what I'd done. 

"I had thought then that that was it. That I would always remember that night and would have to learn to be okay with it, but it was done and now my family was safe. I started thinking about whether or not I could convince them to move away, and that I'd probably need to start looking for a therapist. But," he choked out, feeling far away as he remembered those early plans, "I couldn't leave after that. He said he liked me." 

The heat of (Y/N)'s gaze never wavered from where it was stuck to his profile. He felt sick thinking about what could be hiding in her pupils as she listened to him. He feared to think she saw him for who he really was now: a rotten, disgusting, awful murderer. 

Forging on, Harry swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat. "He wanted me to keep working for him. He said that no one would suspect someone like me to be working those nights like that. He wanted to take advantage of that—even if I was messy and still a little stupid, he said. I couldn't leave even if I wanted to, anyway; they had too much on me. Jus' the one job would get me locked up if they wanted—or worse if they didn't want to wait that long to deal with me trying to get away. 

"It wasn't until the second job was done that m'sister stopped coming home with bruises. She started smiling more and talking to my mum again. She said that she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to be serious about school again. It was like everything was almost normal, again." These were easy times for Harry to recall. He liked to remember his family like that. "There were times I had to get... closer to m'jobs than jus' with a gun. Those days were hard, but I'd come home and they'd be watching a movie or drinking wine together, and I'd tell myself it was worth it. It had to be. That's why I kept doing what Trevor wanted. 

"They had to know there was something going on, but they never asked any questions. Even if they did, it wasn't like I ever gave them anything clear. I jus' told them I was tired and working too much. It was like that for a really long time. I blocked a lot of it out, but it wasn't anything I ever saw a way out of; every plan ended with m'family or me dying, or otherwise getting really hurt. I did what I had to do and... got over it as best I could." 

Looking down at his hands, he flexed the stiff joints. Thin scars marred his skin, creases from years of work that took a toll on him. The inked cross in the pocket between his thumb and forefinger was fading. Harry cataloged every detail of his own hands as he fought to stay focused amid the sickening pit forming in his stomach. 

"A few years ago, there had been a rumor going around that someone had plans to take out the head—Trevor's dad. I had heard that it was a rival, but a few of the guys had said it was coming from someone on the inside—someone who thought they could run the whole thing better. I didn't really believe it, but it was the first time anything like that had gotten any of them talking. There'd been threats before, but this one felt more real than any of them with the way a couple of the guys were even planning on what to do if something changed. 

"It gave me hope, honestly. If it really was true, then there was going to be a night that was so chaotic and everyone's attention would be focused elsewhere enough that no one would notice if I disappeared. So, I started making plans. I saved any kind of money I made, and made arrangements for my mum and sister and tried to get everything taken care of that I could get away with. By the time I heard something was actually happening, I had everything in place for us. Trevor's dad was in the hospital, and probably wasn't going to make it out. 

"It was all chaos after that. Everyone was either trying to find whoever did it—planned it—and everyone else was with Trevor and his dad. No one was keeping track of anything or anyone. It was exactly what I'd hoped for. I went home that day and told my mum and sister that we needed to leave. Something bad had happened and to keep them safe we all needed to leave right then. I didn't have time to tell them what was going on, but I remember I told Gemma it had something to do with Trevor and I knew she knew. She helped me get my mum out after that; packing as much as they could carry and grabbing the essentials. I gave them the cash I'd saved, and they left." 

This was a night Harry had never revisited. Previous jobs of his always showed up in nightmares or ran on a loop when he couldn't sleep, but the last time he saw his family was a place he never allowed his brain to go. He didn't even realized he was tearing up until he felt the pressure behind his eyes and the knot in his throat.

"My mum asked me if I was coming with them, and I had to tell her no," he murmured, "Her and m'sister would be going together, but I had to go somewhere else. It was the only way they'd be safe. I would be the one that Trevor would go after, so if I stayed away then they wouldn't get dragged into it if I was found. I had everything planned out for them: a different car, a place for them to stay, and enough money to last until they figured something else out. It was all taken care of. I—" Harry choked on the lump in his throat. "That was the last time I saw them. I don't know where they are. 

"That was years ago, though. I've been going through different towns since then, jus' hiding. This is the first time I've ever been found." 

Silence fell over the motel room as Harry took in a deep breath, his shoulders squaring as he tried to center himself. He felt distant from where he sat on the edge of the bed. It was surreal hearing his story in his own voice instead of living the worst parts of it in dreams every night. It was even worse this way.

A lull passed, the weight of his words a heavy third entity between them. The static of (Y/N)'s presence prickled at his side. His knee kept bouncing, his body restless the longer his story hung in the air. He hadn't considered the aftermath being so quiet; he had imagined shouting, screaming, (Y/N) running away from him. He didn't know what to do with this.

"Harry?" 

He didn't make any move to acknowledge her. 

"Harry? Will you please look at me?" 

Her voice wavered as she pleaded with him. He couldn't ignore her like that, not when he could already picture the tears sparkling in her eyes.

His movements were stiff as he turned to look at her. He wasn't sure what he was going to find when he saw her (his predictions ranged from mortified, to terrified, to a punch to the face in hopes of incapacitating him long enough for her to run), but what he found wasn't on his list of ideas at all. She was looking at him with big, watery eyes, the irises glittering with softened edges. Her features were melted into sympathy-drawn lines, curving and gentle with a wobbly bottom lip and downturned brows. 

"I'm so sorry, Harry," she whispered to him, matching his eye contact just as earnestly as he. 

Listening to her, his brows pinched in the middle. "I-I don't—" His voice cut off, shaking his head as he floundered over his words. 

With a soft touch of her hand grazing over his shoulder, (Y/N) didn't pay his half-hearted denial any mind. "I-I'm so sorry that happened to you," she murmured, her voice as soft and thin as the tears in her eyes, "I can't even imagine, I don't—" 

Tears spilled over the rim of her eyes then, her voice breaking off. Her breathing came in shaky puffs, her hand on his arm tightening until her fingers were curled around his forearm. Sincerity filled her gaze as she looked at him, words failing her despite every soft sorrow in her eyes for him. 

This wasn't the kind of reaction he had been anticipating, not even a little. This worried him more than any other bout of anger or fear he had initially expected. 

"(Y/N)," he started, his voice low to match her own secretive tone despite the lack of others in their room, "I don't think I understand... I did really bad things, (Y/N), don't—I... Don't feel bad for me, yeah?" 

He could see her retaliation form on her cry-swollen lips, but before a single word could broach the air between them, she was cut off by her own whimpering cry. In a moment she had crumpled into him, dismissing the boundaries between their bodies as he was wrapped in a hug with her arms around his neck. 

Harry hesitated, his hands hovering over her back as his breathing stilled. She must really not understand the full breadth of the horrors he committed if she was still willing to touch him after learning his story. It was overwhelming in a lot of ways; this wasn't at all the kind of reaction he had ever thought anyone could have after finding out the kind of man he is, let alone someone like (Y/N). It was confusing. 

After a moment, he settled, reciprocating her hug and being that anchor for her if only for a few more moments until realization dawned. She buried her face in the brunt of his chest, his shirt growing damp from her tears and the heavy puffs of air that fanned out from her lips. Harry held her, petting his hands down her back and brushing her hair from her face the longer she melted against him. 

Soon enough, she pulled away from him, wet eyes glistening with a sniffly nose as she gazed up at him. 

With gentle graze of a hand he hadn't trusted in years, Harry brushed baby hairs out of (Y/N)'s face. She looked at him like she really believed that she should feel sorry for him, console him as if he were one of the many families he tore apart through the many jobs he worked. 

"(Y/N)," he started, voice more gentle than he thought he could manage with a lump in the back of his throat, "I don't think y'understand what I did." 

A fresh batch of tears welled up in her eyes as she shook her head, the hairs he'd just brushed out of her face now returning. "N-No, Harry, I do," she insisted, gaze genuine between the fluttering of her lashes as she blinked the tears away, "I know you wouldn't have d-done any of that if you'd had a choice—I know that. I-I'm so sorry that they took ad-advantage of you, and that you've been so a-alone." Her voice cut off then, a harsh breath just a hair away from a sob exhaling from her in a shudder. She could only manage a whisper when she recovered, "You don't deserve that." 

She broke down once more, falling into Harry's chest again. He was prepared this time, ready to hold her steady and snuggle her against him. He just hoped the hammering of his heart behind his ribs wouldn't disturb her. 

Harry's breathing came in stiff pulls as he tried to process what she was telling him. While he knew he wouldn't have done the things he did had there been another option for him—had he had the knowledge he has now, he would have done many things differently back then. He knew that, but that wasn't something he ever expected another to understand. He never thought he would have the courage to share his story aloud, let alone earn this kind of response from a listener. 

(Y/N) treated him as if he were the tragedy, not the villain. 

His own eyes began to burn, gaze going watery with the walls of the motel going mushy and melting in with the carpet. He couldn't remember the last time he cried for himself; he'd cried from fear from his nightmares and missing his family, but nothing to mourn the kind of life he could have lead had he known himself better. 

"I—" he started, the lump in his throat blocking his words before they had a chance. Harry's throat bobbed as he tried to swallow around the bundle, voice thick, "I hurt people, (Y/N). I killed them." His breathing caught around the harsh word. He just wanted (Y/N) to know, be clear with the kind of person she was snuggling against. "I ruined families jus' because I wanted to save mine." 

(Y/N) only held him tighter. "I can't blame you," she whispered against his throat, the words melting into his skin, "You were in an impossible situation. It was either you or someone else, and there was never going to be a right choice. I-I can't imagine..." 

Harry didn't say anything back, instead just holding her as she did the same for him. He wanted to listen to the things she was saying, make sense of them in the reality he had accepted as his for years now. But, it felt... unsettling. 

In his own head, in his heart, Harry knew he was put in a situation that no one should ever be in—make a decision that was more than just unfair. But, the longer he sat with himself, especially after finishing those jobs, he couldn't imagine that anyone would ever see it that way. It was easier to believe he was a monster when he figured the rest of the world would agree. He never saw himself as the one to be consoled, that he was too selfish a creature to have earned that kind of experience. 

"I'm a monster, (Y/N)," he murmured into the crown of her head, strands of hair muffling his words. 

"No, you're not," she immediately argued, "You're Harry." 

All those tears that had been funneling into his eyes from deep in his chest somewhere he never allowed to be free finally spilled over. Tracks were made down his cheeks, heating his skin and leaving sticky trails of salt. His breaths came out heavy and warm, uneven with he pulls through his nose. Squeezing his eyes shut, he cried silently into (Y/N)'s hair, allowing her to hold him while he took his turn crumbling.

There were still pounds of guilt and trauma sitting in the bars around his heart, but this was the first time those burdens hadn't felt so heavy. 

Sunshine through the windows could be felt on his back, bleeding through the t-shirt (Y/N) had latched within her grip the longer she held him. 

"Thank you," he sniffled into her hair. 

(Y/N) planted a delicate kiss to the column of his throat in response. 

The shadows in the motel room shifted the longer they sat bundled on the end of the bed, the sun journeying through the sky through the window. Harry didn't know how long they sat together with tangled limbs, leaking eyes, and sniffling noses, but he could have stayed there a lot longer had he been given the chance. He could barely remember the last time he'd had an actual hug before (Y/N) let alone a cuddle for at least an hour. 

But, he couldn't stay there forever. He told her that story for a reason. He couldn't abandon his plan now. 

Harry peeled away from her fist, her embrace around his neck staying firm enough to keep him from going too far as she gazed up at him. His eyes felt raw as he matched her contact. 

"I have to go, (Y/N)," he crooned, voice crackling. 

Her arms looped around his neck shifted with her hands settling firmly on the back of his shoulders. "What? Why?" she panicked some, clinging to him, "No, I don't want you to go, Harry." 

Petting her hair back, he tried to soothe her as best he could despite his clumsy movements. "But, we're not running anymore, remember? I need to deal with this." 

(Y/N)'s eyes rounded out as she gazed up at him. "I thought you meant we were going home." 

Shaking his head, Harry stayed gentle with her, "We can't yet—not while they're still looking for us. They all know about home now, and we can't go back when I know they'd follow us. I have to take care of them here. Before we do anything else." 

She looked uneasy now, gaze dropping down the planes of his face. "What do they want from you?" 

"I don't know," he shrugged as much as he could with her still wrapped in his arms, "They might want me to come back, or"—Harry steeled himself at the second prospect—"I might know too much to be left running around everywhere." 

Color drained from (Y/N)'s face as she listened to him. "Y-You think they might kill you?" 

Harry only shushed her, a tender hand on the back of her head guiding her back to her hiding space in the cubby of his neck when he saw fresh tears glimmering in her eyes. He didn't know what to say to something like that; confirming the horror didn't seem like a good idea, but he didn't have it in him to start lying right after coming clean like he has. His fingers threaded through her hair, blunt nails scratching at her scalp in soothing runs as she whimpered in his neck. 

As much as he might have wanted to stay just where he was, cuddling and hushing her as if her tears were the worst of his problems, but he couldn't push off the inevitable for much longer. 

Using his grip on the back of her neck, Harry pulled her away from her hiding place. He was greeted with swollen lips and red eyes he worried he wouldn't ever see normal again. He hoped against it all that he'd get to see her smile at least once more. 

"I need you to listen really well, okay, (Y/N)?" he asked her, thumb running a circuit of comforting circles on the side of her neck. 

She hesitated before she nodded. "But, I don't want you to leave." 

Despite it all, a genuine smile wriggled its way onto Harry's features. What a sweet thing she was, even in the face of everything he'd laid out for her. The first smile he'd made in days being offered to her. 

Harry kept silent to her protest, instead untangling himself from her hold. He stood to the full of his height, offering her his hand. With her palm pressed against his, she followed suit to stand beside him, their fingers laced together. 

He led them around the bed, inching towards the bedside table. With his free hand and (Y/N) behind him in the narrow channel between the bed and the wall, Harry pulled the drawer open. Inside, the black handgun he had stowed away rattling against the laminate. 

Swallowing, he took the firearm and turned to face her. He schooled his features into something stern and stoic. He wanted to be strong like he knew she needed him to be, especially when she saw what he was offering. 

"I need you to use this if someone comes looking for us," he told her, his voice even and low. 

(Y/N)'s eyes widened when she realized what she was looking at, her immediate. reaction coming in the form of her shaking head. "I-I don't—I'm not—" 

"I know," he cut her off, squeezing her hand in his, "I want this to be a last resort." Walking her back away from the side table, her brought her to the end of the bed, his back facing the window in case anyone decided to peek through the sliver between the curtains. "Hide first," he explained, "And, I don't want y'answering the door for anyone after I leave. Even if it's me, I have a key. Don't let me in even if I ask, I should be able to let myself in. Don't answer the door for anyone, especially if y'don't recognize the who's on the other side. Jus' hide, okay? Y'can hide in the bathroom if y'want, but if anyone gets in and tries to do anything to you, I need y'to use this and protect yourself." 

(Y/N) could have gone cold the way she was frozen still in front of him; if not for the heat of her hand in his, he would have assumed as much. She stared at the gun he was offering towards her as if a gift, the weapon sitting in his hand between them. 

"Can I show y'how to use it?" he asked her, gently trying to ease her into the non-option she had of protecting herself.

"Harry..." 

"I know," he said, "Please, (Y/N). I jus' need to be able to know that I won't be leaving y'to get hurt without a chance to protect yourself." 

Looking up at him through the fan of her lashes, he could see her resolve crumble away piece by piece. He hated to think about her having to use something like this as much as he was sure she did, but that didn't change the fact that someone was looking for her and wouldn't hesitate to hurt her if given the chance. 

"Okay," she peeped out, her hand in his slowly loosening as she grabbed for the gun. 

Her grip was loose and shaky as Harry tried to show her the basics. With the barrel aimed at the ground, he showed her how to switch the safety, something he only mimed as he didn't want to scare her more. He encouraged her to wrap both hands around the grip, finger curling around the trigger. 

"It's heavy," she said, her voice a quiet whimper as her hands continued to shake. 

"I know," he told her, adjusting her hold to ensure the recoil didn't harm her any more than a bone's rattle. If she had to use it, anyway. 

Silence settled over them as he ensured she would be as safe as she could be while he was gone.

"Both hands, okay?" he told her once more, her grip steadying the longer he allowed her to get used to the weight. "Every time y'pick it up, the barrel needs to be facing away from you. Even if the safety's on, I don't want y'aiming it anywhere near yourself."

"Okay," she said, another repetition of the small word through his instructions. She swallowed, her features twisted into something too scared for Harry's heart to not break over. "This is a last resort right? I-In case of an emergency." 

Harry's jaw ticked, hearing the waver in her voice. He hated knowing he was the reason she was preparing for an emergency like this. "Only in case of emergency, yeah." 

Taking the firearm out of her hands, he left it on the bed to (Y/N)'s relief. She wiped her hands off on her pants as he rifled through his duffle bag, finding the wad of cash he'd been using to fund their run. Taking the bundle to her, he pushed it into her empty hands. 

Before she could have a chance to shoot off a round of questions, Harry steeled himself. "(Y/N) look at me for a second." 

That tremor of fear she'd gained after dealing with the gun remained as she looked up at him with watery eyes. 

Shoving the cash into her hand, Harry ensured she was listening before he spoke. "If 'm not back by the morning, I need y'to leave. 'M going to leave the car for you, and you're going to take all of the money I have left, okay? Jus' get home. Don't wait for me or try to look for me, only worry about getting back home." 

Before he could even finish speaking, (Y/N) was shaking her head, protests on the tip of her tongue. "I'm not—" 

"Yes, you are," he insisted, unwilling to hear her argument, "I promised y'when we left that y'would make it home and be safe. This is the only way I can make sure I can keep that promise, even if 'm not the one taking y'home." When (Y/N) began to push against his hand with the money, he stayed solid where he stood, matching her eyes with unwavering contact. "I don't want to argue with you on this, (Y/N). This is final." 

Her gaze softened, matching the refractions in the tears pearling on her waterline. "Okay," she peeped after a pause, her voice barely above a whisper. 

With the bills wadded in her hand, Harry disregarded the space between them as he pulled her into a hug. She melted into his hold that was becoming familiar, burrowing her face into his neck with her hands around his middle. He curled himself around her, the tip of his nose buried in the hair on the top of her head, his eyes falling closed as he pulled in a deep breath. His arms around her pulsed, his heartbeat rattling in his chest. 

"'M sorry, (Y/N)," he murmured, lips brushing the crown of her head, "'M sorry I got y'involved in this." 

(Y/N) shook her head, "It's not your fault." 

While Harry couldn't accept that answer, he gave his own in the form of a kiss pressed to the top of her head. "I need to go now, okay?" he told her, voice muffled in her hair. 

"Where are you going?" she asked, voice small to match his. 

"Not too far, I don't think, since I want to leave y'the car," he said, trying to stitch together the details of his plan after such a vulnerable start to his day. 

Drawing away, she looked up at him with questioning eyes. "You think they'll find you? How?" 

Taking a deep breath, he shook his head. "'M sure they already have an idea of where 'm hiding." 

It was clear (Y/N) didn't enjoy his answer, but she didn't ask any more questions. Instead, she followed him quietly as he readied himself to meet his fate. While it wasn't a new feeling for him—accepting the fact that this outing might be his last—it was different knowing that someone would be waiting for him, knowing exactly what happened if he didn't make it back. It felt a lot more final this way. An omen—one he couldn't decide was good or bad. 

With everything ready, and a plan to grab the gun he had packed in the car, Harry moved towards the door. (Y/N) stopped him with a soft hand on his biceps.

"I'll see you tonight, right?" Her eyes were pleading as she looked up at him. 

"I'll try m'best." His gaze lingered on her. She still looked at him with softened eyes and wonderous gaze despite all the ugly secrets she now knew about him. His heart ached in his chest. "Thank you, (Y/N)." 

He placed his hand on her's where it was resting on his arm. He curled his fingers around her own, giving her a small squeeze before he peeled her touch away. 

All the way out the door, he could feel her eyes on him. He couldn't look back.

—————

(Y/N)'s legs felt cramped, the last six hours of having been curled up in the bathtub now showing in her aching muscles. Despite that, she didn't even think about stretching out, keeping herself bundled with her legs against her chest and arms looped around her shins. 

The sun had gone down hours ago, wiping away the final slice of light that was draped through the main room. The gun Harry had given her laid untouched, safety clicked, at her feet. Her breathing was the only sound in the silent room. 

Every time she could hear a set of feet trudging past the front door, her ears perked, trying to find any evidence that it might be Harry. Every time she came up with the opposite answer, her heart dropped an inch more. 

As much as she wanted to hear someone familiar, for a pair of those heavy footsteps to stop in front of her door, a sense of panic filled her whenever they drew too close. But, she still felt hopeless every time they moved on without a lingering second. She didn't want to be alone, but she feared what having the opposite would mean if she wished a little too hard. 

The otherwise silent room left her too much room to think about what Harry had told her today. 

She knew he didn't think of his story as much of a tragedy as it was. She didn't think he even realized just how terribly he was taken advantage of and convinced he had no choice but the most evil one. 

He was a victim, too. 

(Y/N) knew Harry. Despite all the walls he presented and maintained, she'd gotten glimpses as to who he was at his core through these last months and especially this past week. There was always an assumption that he had a few secrets hiding behind his barricades, but she never would have guessed them to be something of this nature. She couldn't even imagine what it would feel like to carry something like that around, no one there to support him.

There was no way to comprehend what it would feel like to be in Harry's shoes. Doing everything on his own for so long before running into her, allowing a small smidge of himself to show to her, only for them to land in dirty motels with tear-stains on a floral bedspread. 

Harry thought he was a monster, but (Y/N) could only consider him brave. He was the strongest person she knew.

There would be no way he wouldn't return to her, then, right? He was the strongest, smartest, most capable person she knew. Their teary cuddling couldn't be the last time she saw him. Right? 

Another set of voices—three different ones, this time—interrupted (Y/N)'s spiraling. Her hands clenched around her knees, her breathing pausing as she tried to listen as best she could through both the cracked bathroom door and the bolted room door. 

Soon enough, the volume peaks. They were right outside the door. (Y/N) could almost clearly make out the words through the thin walls. 

A beat later, not a second of lag, the voices began to retreat, the volume lowering until nothing but muffles were heard. They'd walked past. It wasn't Harry, none of them. 

Closing her eyes, (Y/N) knew she had to believe that Harry would come back. She couldn't see herself leaving here without him, even if time was something they were running out of. 

But, he promised her. He promised her he'd make sure she was safe. 

She knew Harry, and he wouldn't break his promises.

That was how she knew he would come back to her. 

—————

Despite the sore in her muscles and the exhaustion tugging at her eyelids, (Y/N) went stiff when she heard the doorknob jiggle. Not once in the hours since Harry left had anyone even lingered outside the door, let alone try to breach the lock. Her breathing stuck in her throat when the incessant noise continued. In lethargic movements, her hands held a tremor as she reached for the gun at her feet. 

She swore her heart stopped when the jiggling stopped, a muffled curse being heard from the other side of the door. The voice sounded familiar—the timbre, the tone, everything sounding like the one person she'd been waiting for. (Y/N) wanted to run to the door and let him in, her instincts pushing her to abandon post. But, she had to remember: Harry had a key, he'd let himself in. 

Though, a creeping argument in the back of her mind started, what if he lost his key? What if he was hurt, bleeding and aching for her help? What if he couldn't use his key and she was going to leave him to die out there all because of a flimsy rule he'd made before walking into battle? 

Her hands shook that much harder, her loose grip on the gun wavering. 

Over the roar of her heartbeat in her ears, (Y/N) heard the jamb give away, the sticky lock finally opening. The door was pushed open, whiny hinges creaking. She heard the door be closed after a set of heavy footsteps made their way into the motel, the lock being bolted into place once more. Only the sound of labored breathing replaced the sudden racket in the silent room. 

Please be Harry, please be Harry, please be Harry.

She tried to steady her hand on the firearm the longer the silence dragged on. 

"(Y/N)? Are you still here, love?" 

Tears sprung into (Y/N)'s eyes at that voice, relief flooding her system. She let go of the gun at her feet though her hands still shook as she stayed stuck in her pose in the bathtub. 

"Harry?" 

Those heavy footsteps that introduced him to the motel started again, the pace much faster as he crossed the room to her hiding spot. 

The second he appeared in the doorway, (Y/N) knew she was supposed to be scared of him. She was supposed to be at least wary of the swelling bruises beginning to form on his face, fingerprints denting the skin of his neck. Stray scratches littered his arms, specks of blood marring his skin. His hair was a mess, strands sticking at odd angles. The worst of it was blood that was clearly not his, staining his shirt, splatters reaching as far as his cheeks. The red looked especially vivid beside the green of his wild eyes and the creamy tone of his skin. His chest heaved with heavy breaths, his shoulders seeming wider in the doorway with his fists clenched at his sides. 

But, even with every cue telling her she should keep cowering away from him, her heart still lurched in her chest at the sight. Under all the mess and core, that was her Harry. She knew him, she trusted him, and he came back to her. How could she be scared of that?

Following the bruising beats of her heart, (Y/N) didn't hesitate before she was leaping out of her hiding place. Disregarding the stiff set of her muscles and the weapon left in the tub, she jumped through the bathroom before landing in his arms. 

"Harry!" she bubbled, clinging to him in a tight hug. Her legs were wrapped around his waist, with her arms around his neck with her cheek pressed to his. "Oh my god, you're okay, you're okay, Harry." 

Her tongue felt like mush in her mouth the way she could barely form a coherent thought before she was dissolving to babbles. She didn't even realize she was crying until she could taste the salt of her tears. At least that explained the sticky lump in the back of her throat, too heavy to talk around. 

Harry held her just as tightly, a strong arm supporting her underneath her thighs while the other roped around her waist. She could feel every breath he made, every ripple of his muscles; she even thought she could feel the thump of his heart. 

Pulling away from his neck, (Y/N) reared back just enough to see his face though she didn't go too far. Shifting her hold on him, she pushed his hair out of his face, his features watery and distorted through her tears. Smears of blood stained her palms, but (Y/N) didn't care; she could be grossed over the blood later, right now all she could see was Harry. Everything she had hoped for, for the last handful of hours had actually come true, how could she focus on anything else?

Eyes shining in the dim light of the bathroom, Harry looked up at her reverently. "'M here, (Y/N)," he murmured to her, voice broken. The longer he looked at her, that glimmer in his eyes rose until it was a shimmer of overfilled tears. "God, (Y/N)." 

Holding his cheeks in her palm, she nodded her head, understanding the overwhelming feeling she was sure he felt bloom in his chest. "What happened?" she whispered, voice thin.

Shaking his head, those same curls she had brushed out of his face fell over his forehead once more. Some strands were darkened with blood. "'S over," he told her, his own tone small to match her own, "'M out. They aren't going to bother me anymore. 'S really over." 

(Y/N) swallowed. "H-How?" 

His jaw tensed under her hands. Another shake of his head was granted. "I-I don't want to—I can't talk about that." With the way his eyes darted from her own, falling down her features in a glazed trail, she knew this wasn't something to push him on. "B-But 's done—(Y/N), 's over." 

Something in him snapped then, as if he heard himself for the first time. Harry crumbled then, his features twisting and flushing as rivers of tears fell from his eyes. He cried the way he did after his nightmares—heavy and nonstop. 

Harry clutched her to his body as he sobbed into her neck, having shielded himself in her hair once his breath started shuddering in his lungs. He murmured over and over It's over, it's over, it's over, into her skin, the mantra slicking her skin like the tears that ran down his cheeks. (Y/N) held him even as his grip gave out, sliding down his body until she was planted flat on her feet, her fingers running a soothing circuit through his dirty hair. 

Pressing her lips to the side of his head, (Y/N) felt her own voice thin as she spoke, "You did it, Harry. You're done." 

His arms around her pulsed, her body flush against his with his fingertips denting into her back from how tightly he held her. Hesitantly peeling himself away from where he was cuddled into her neck, he gazed at her with bright green eyes, bloodshot and tired. 

"I-I want to shower," he murmured to her, the first thing he managed to utter other than his disbelieved mantra. 

A gentle smile touched at (Y/N)'s cheeks, a breathless laugh exhaling through her nose, "Yeah?" When Harry nodded his head, his tears slowing though he didn't share in her amusement, she brushed her hand through his curls once more before beginning to separate from his hold. "Okay, just let me... I left your gun in the tub, then I lea—" 

The second she tried to shake off his grip and take her own touch away, Harry resisted with a shake of his head and his hold tightening. His arms were a rope around her waist, tying her to him. "No, no, no," he bubbled, desperation sinking into his eyes, "I-I don't want to be alone. Don't leave." 

(Y/N) paused where she stood, her eyes matching his watery gaze. His irises swam, softened and scarred as if she left the room, he would never see her again. She couldn't say no to him. 

Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. "I-I can stay, it's okay," she soothed him, "Did you—You want me to get in with you or stay in the bathroom?" 

As much as it felt odd to ask if he wanted her to shower with him despite the fact they'd never been more intimate than a few kisses over a week ago, (Y/N) felt like there were no longer lines between them given their circumstances. The things Harry shared with her and the time she spent adhered to his side were more intimate than sex. 

Nodding his head sent a few curls she had pushed back back over his forehead, some strands sticky and darker than the rest. "Get in with me," he rushed out, looking entirely too fragile for someone who just defended himself against any number of people out to get him, "Y'can say no, I-I jus' need you. Y-You make me feel okay, and-and—" 

She cut him off with a nod of her own head, her hand landing on his shoulder with a light squeeze to the cuff. It hurt seeing him try to explain himself when he didn't even seem to have fully processed the last day. "Okay, okay, I'll get in with you," she told him, eyes wide and matching his so he stayed with her, "I just... I don't want anything else happening." 

It was almost frantic the way he was quick to reject her thinking. His hands on her back pressed her closer to him. "Of course not. I jus'... I need you." 

After Harry let her break away from him, he still stayed close to her as clothing began to be dropped on the floor. Despite the static of his presence behind her and spying his bloody clothing from the corner of her eye, she didn't feel the warmth of his gaze on her skin as more and more was revealed. Even in the small space, he kept his back to her, eyes kept to himself even as his hands shook, aching to have the comfort of her touch. 

Down to her underwear, she saw Harry step into the bathtub first, the gun being plucked out of the basin and left on the countertop. From her peripheral, she saw him hesitate, as if he were afraid to both touch and let go of the firearm. Moments later, he stepped into the tub, twisting the temperature knobs with the kitschy mermaid curtain pulled closed. 

Letting out a breath, (Y/N) dropped the remainder of her clothing to the floor. While she was sure Harry had too much on his mind to be worrying about the appearance of her body, there was still something that felt unsettled knowing that this would be the first time he saw her naked. Before they'd even shared a handful of kisses, he was going to see her bare. If not for the fragile air around them, (Y/N) would have thought it was funny. 

Tugging back the curtain just enough, she stepped into the tub behind Harry. His back faced her as he wet his hair under the cold water, neither having the patience to wait for the stream to heat up like normal. More tattoos were revealed to her now that his arms were covered, along with scars that dotted his back she wished she didn't have to know about. 

At the sound of her joining him, Harry looked over his shoulder at her, hair dripping wet with pink tinted drops hitting the tub. His gaze didn't stray from her face as his eyes softened that much more just before he turned around to reach for her. He didn't pay any attention to her bare skin, every curve and dip being forgotten in favor of the comfort her touch could offer. 

His hands cupped the soft of her hips as he tugged her to his chest, fingertips denting the soft flesh. His skin was cold as he rested his forehead on hers, her body flush against his while the water showered from overhead. (Y/N)'s eyes fell to his chest, watching the way the water swirled the rusty drain in a cyclone of blood-stained water. Spots across his body showed more injuries than she previously noticed in the form of bruises and angry slashes. 

Harry didn't pay any of the pain he may have felt any mind, instead letting his eyes fall closed as he breathed her in. His hands on her hips shifted to loop around her waist just the way they had been before they stepped into the shower. His muscles relaxed further when the water began to warm, the spray beginning to fill the bathroom with steam. 

This felt more intimate than sex even to (Y/N). She had never just been held like this, with no implication of something more coming. 

He held her under the warm water as his breathing evened into steady paces, (Y/N) running her hands through his hair and his shoulders. She couldn't reach much of him with the way Harry held her, but she washed him as gently as she could with the places she could reach, allowing him to calm in her hold. Every now and then, his features twisted into something painful, silent tears falling from his eyes. She worried that she might be hurting him, but when he only held her tighter, she figured he had other things on his mind in those moments. 

Despite those moments when his fragility peeked out higher, this was the most calm she had ever seen him. Water ran down his body in cleaning rivers, taking away every bit of armor he had donned for the last however many years, leaving all of the soft bits behind. (Y/N) was used to see him stoic, clean from any kind of messy feeling or interaction, but that didn't mean she didn't still pick up on his restless hands, anxious gaze, or the constant need he seemed to have to be aware of everything at all times. She'd never seen him allow his brain to turn off like he was now. She hoped the only thing he felt now was relief. 

She was sure he was going to find a way to make this all his fault, that he should never be forgiven for the things he was forced to do today, but, if even for the next twenty minutes, she hoped he'd take this relief and comfort; she hoped he'd realized just how much he deserved to be treated gently. 

After the bathroom had sufficiently been filled with steam, the humidity clinging to every surface despite the still open bathroom door, (Y/N) asked, "Is it alright if I wash your hair?" Her fingers glided over his shoulders, touch as tender as her whispered voice. 

Harry hummed a cracked confirmation, his features giving that tell-tale twist as a slew of tears dripped down his cheeks. "Thank you," he breathed. 

Blinking his eyes open, Harry watched as she reached for one of the bottles he'd left on the ledge from his morning shower. It was an odd angle she had to work with, seeing as he didn't let her move very far away, out she'd work with it if this was all he wanted to feel more at ease. 

Ducking his head, he allowed her to lather his strands in the off-brand apple scented shampoo he'd purchased on sale a month prior. Suds formed between the waves, bright and sparkling against the dark color. Some bubbles popped up a pink hue, but (Y/N) didn't try to focus on what tinted them. 

Instead, she scratched her nails soothingly along his scalp, letting him sink into her that much more. "I love your hair, Harry," she murmured to him, words a secret only for him to hear. 

A watery voice piped up over the beating of the shower, "Yeah?" 

With a small smile touching the corner of her lips. He was cute like these, even if the circumstances were devastating. "Mhm," she hummed, "Your curls are perfect, especially since they've gotten longer. And, the color's very pretty with your eyes." 

His breathing labored just that much more as he listened to her, his grip on her tightening with her chest flush against his. "Me and my mum have the same eyes," is all he shared with her, his voice delicate enough to be blown away with the steam. 

"Really?" (Y/N) pushed, hoping he'd talk more about his family. She hoped the memory of them would comfort him. 

"Mhm," his hum came out on the whinier side, "Me, her, and m'sister." 

"I remember that picture you had" she told him, rinsing her hands of the suds before urging him towards the spray, "You're all very beautiful." 

Harry fell silent, allowing the water to wash away the blood that had stuck in his strands. The hot water had pushed a deeper flush onto his cheeks, making his eyes that much more green even if they did look a bit broken. 

(Y/N) didn't push him for more as she reached for his conditioner in a matching scent. He kept his grip tight on her as she massaged the cream through his curls, using this as more of an excuse to give him tender care as opposed to clean him. 

"What did your sister get her degrees in?" (Y/N) asked, thinking of the graduation picture he had displayed in his home. The only piece of decor he had. 

His gaze softened some as he thought about his family. "She did a lot with English and psychology," he started, "She wanted to be a writer at first, but before we left, I remember she had talked about wanting to do something to help people. She started looking into things for—um—mental health and people who had gone through trauma. I-I don't know what she's doing now, though." 

Listening, (Y/N)'s lips thinned. She didn't bother trying to push anymore after his last statement. She didn't want him focusing on the fact he didn't know what his family was doing, or even where in the world they were. 

Pushing him to rinse once more, Harry stepped out of the spray free of any blood on his body with his injuries clean and muscles softened under the warm water. His body didn't seem so heavy now, only tired. 

"Feel clean?" she asked, her own hair dripping wet against her back though she had no plans to wash the locks. 

He gave her a quiet nod, a sniffle scrunching his nose. 

For the first time since stepping into the shower, Harry's gaze strayed from the decent area of her face and the wall behind her, dropping down her body. She wasn't sure what he saw that had him scrunching his brows and his eyes turning sad once more. 

Before she could say much to distract him, Harry's hands began to shake on her back. "I don't deserve to touch you," he whispered, voice just small enough so it wouldn't break under the weight of his feelings, "Not after what I've done." 

His expression shifted with watery eyes and downturned lips. A cinch appeared between his brows. His lungs rattled in his chest though he didn't make any move to keep his hands off of her. 

Evening her breathing, (Y/N) did her best to keep a cap on her own feelings. She wanted Harry to feel like he could break down, be honest about his feelings, without worrying about her. She knew that if he cried any, he would take it as validation to his words, or push whatever he felt to the side in favor of doting over her. 

"Don't say that, Harry," she argued gently, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. She used the leverage of her hold to pull him down, their gazes matching. "You did what you had to do to protect yourself. Today, and every other day." 

Shaking his head, Harry's bottom lip wobbled with his tears mixing in with the water dripping down his face. "I-I—Don't—I...," he cut himself off with a deep breath being sucked in, his eyes squeezing closed as he continued, "'M disgusting—I don't deserve to touch you." 

Sweeping in a deep breath (Y/N) did her best to stay composed as she pulled his arms from the loop they made around her body. Blinking his eyes open, he looked defeated as if he really believed he had convinced her of his delusion and this was the punishment. Instead, (Y/N) pulled his palms to her face, her own hands guiding him. She held him steady as she puckered her lips and pressed kisses to his palms, the tip of her nose skimming his fingers as she spied him through the gaps. Finishing, she pressed them flat against her cheeks, her guiding hands staying atop to keep him from leaving her. 

"I love your hands," she told him, allowing him to catch the view of her willingly holding them to her skin, "They took care of me and kept me safe as much as you did. Be nice." 

A fresh batch of tears began to flood out of his eyes. Harry didn't say anything as he rested his forehead on hers. His hands on her skin turned solid on their own accord as he clung to her.

They stayed under the spray long enough for the water to run cold, clinging to one another.

—————

thyme represents courage; facing the past

eeeeep only one part left and now you know all the things about him!!! thank you so much for sticking w me for this! so sorry fi theres any mistakes and if you have any ideas or requests or anything please send them in!

[amiserableseriesofevents]

I've been on a roadtrip today to go on ✨vacation✨ and I had a lot of time to spare so I'm here to bring yiy,

Clegan roadtrip headcanons 🚘

Gale plans. He studies the itinerary, when and where to make the pit-stops, he even divides the trip in equal sections so him and John can alternate at the wheel and not get too tired

Still, John drives most of the way because he loves to drive. He loves the speed, and the sight of the endless road in front of him – something about the freedom of an open road speaks to his very soul – but he also likes to simply be driving Gale around, his lovely passenger princess

He often drives like a madman, too fast and coming a little too close to other cars, but Gale is so used to it that most of the times he falls asleep right in his seat – he works too hard, is always tired, and the familiar drone of John's yapping and the rumble of the engine lull him perfectly to sleep

John's job is also to create the shared playlist for the trip. He goes for the perfect vibe every time, perfectly balanced between songs to belt to and calmer ones. Gale always adds the same songs without caring about the vibe, 'cause he's a man of habit, but John never complains, he even turns the volume up when his songs come up

Gale has a terrible road rage. John blares his horn to drivers who cut him off, maybe curses loudly at them, but Gale is somehow worst. He starts spewing the worst curses known to men under his breath and then speeds up until he's head to head with the other unfortunate driver and just stares at them, menacingly, like he's daring them to say something to him or cut him off again. They usually slow down and let him pass. John giggles the whole time

When they stop to eat or to refuel John isn't allowed to get anything to drink while on the road because then he'll have to pee and they'll have to make additional stops that Gale didn't plan for. Still, since he's not immune to John's puppy eyes (they're worst than Meatball's), he actually makes room for one or two possible additional stops so if John really wants a travel soda he can have it

They also buy a shit ton of sweet and savory snacks, sweet for Gale and savory for John

When John isn't driving (or sleeping) he turns into a menace, hitting on Gale with the most ridicule phrases he can come up with, teasing him, touching him, stealing kisses and murmuring in his ear what he can't wait to do once they stop for the night

Sometimes Gale has to find a secluded spot near the road to placate him

Prior the trip, when they're still deciding what to go see when they're on the road, Gale always sends John an email with details about every single interesting thing they said could be seen during the roadtrip, with opening times, links to reviews, and personal opinions. And then another mail with possible accommodations, of course

John usually says yes to everything Gale proposes to see, but he's picky with the accommodation. He needs the bed to be a certain size, he wants breakfast to be included or at least a diner/café not too far from the place, and he wants a minibar in the room. Gale always checks for cleanliness, and combining their searches they always find places they're satisfied with and they recommend them to their friends

Sometimes when it's not too hot Gale likes to lower his window and let the wind mess up his hair and sting his face, he just stays there with his eyes closed, one hand on John's leg as he listens to him talk about whatever weird stuff he's into now – for him, nothing spells peace more clearly than this

[spaceagebachelormann]

zigmar i come to you humbly on this fine evening with the simple request that you give me some sort of might duck sustenance por favor and muchas gracias

they can be incoherent and stupid and goofy and silly to the max i just need to rotate this little kids like rotisserie chickens in my mind (esp fulton portman and julie)

random miscellaneous tmd thoughts !

✧ warnings: some of them may be ooc ngl

✧ additional info: u got it pookums 😈😈😈🙏 also these can be read as either platonic or romantic (not luis)

✧ m.list — nav.

♡ charlie conway !

the most insane taste in music literally ever

bro goes from madonna to death metal SO FAST

but ngl his playlist is always the best and he always gets to play music whenever u go anywhere

but oh my god he’d love pierce the veil in present day

HES ALSO LIKE SOMEHOW AMAZING AT MATH. but he cannot do science for literal shit

also his clothing style changes js like his music taste

will literally be kurt cobain one day and morrissey the next (hed hate morrissey though)

♡ adam banks !

every team sleepover/event/literally anything could js be a spontaneous hangout is always at his house

it’s because he’s rich and his house is huge as fuck and he has every board game known to man

just do not play uno because a fight always breaks out (charlie is always part of it)

he’s always the one who ends the fight also

he has this very calming presence that’s so nice to be around and him js talking to whoever got into a fight immediately helps calm them down

also weirdly good at comforting in the middle of the night but never during the day??

♡ lester averman !

he would watch full house religiously prove me wrong

his favourite character is obviously joey because they are one in the same

everyone on the team and their mother has been forced to watch full house while he’s been at their house/vice versa

he can also cook like. decently well !! it’s not something he’d prefer to do but he will for his friends if they’re tired or smth

♡ fulton reed !

this little shit

he is so unbelievably competitive over the smallest things it’s actually insane

typa guy to race u to see who can get to one side of the room first and start genuinely tweaking if he doesn’t win

at sleepovers he refuses to fall asleep first even if it’s just by a few minutes

he could be dead to the world but still have his eyes open cause he refuses to let u win (unless ur his s/o cause he might consider it that way)

♡ connie moreau !

she is definitely a theatre kid idc

her favourite musicals are probably grease, hairspray and heathers

she likes female main characters!!

everytime she gets into a new fandom she immediately starts thinking abt what it’d be like a musical and probably wanted to be a composer at some point

would 100% beg to use the aux on a road trip and then blast hamilton loud as balls

she wholeheartedly believes six is a top tier musical and she will DIE on this hill

(fun fact i’ve met andrea macasaet <3)

♡ guy germaine !

modern day guy would’ve loved basic white girl music

“life is too short to pretend to hate taylor swift” —him

also 100% a britney spears girlie. and nsync and every stereotypical white girl artist

but i wholeheartedly believe britney would be his favourite and he has her whole discography on cassette, cd, vinyl, u name it he has a britney spears collection

also his ass is NOT straight 💀 i’ve never met a straight man who listens to britney spears

♡ julie gaffney !

lowkey a regina george multitude if she wasn’t kinda. yk. a bad person

she’s a mix of cher and regina

everyone at the fancy ass boarding school literally loves her because she’s calm, smart pretty nice etc etc she’s just a really great person to be around

shes that one student who has every assignment finisher a week early, all a’s and 100% in every subject WITHOUT being mean abt it!!

her ass is friends with the whole student population and knows every well and knows all the drama but won’t tell everyone if she thinks it’s too personal (it’s it’s random petty nonsense she tells the team)

♡ ken wu !

secretly rlly good friends with julie but nobody knows even though they do not try to hide it at all

literally wander the halls talking abt whatever just for everyone to be like “y’all are friends???”

also this man secretly loves lana del rey

him and julie will sit on his bedroom floor and literally tell him the most insane and jaw dropping gossip she heard that day while lana is playing in the background

everytime someone asks his favourite lana song he says grandfather please stand on the shoulders of my father while he’s deep-sea fishing on did you know that there’s a tunnel under ocean blvd to fuck with them

♡ dean portman !

is actually very very good at math!!

he was a tutor for the 9th/10th graders for a bit to get volunteer hours and also cause he just likes doing math

you’d expect it to be like doing homework with ur dad and the poor kid is in tears while deans like “WHATS NINE. TIMES TWO.” but he’s actually surprisingly patient

if he’s explained something a few times and they still don’t get it he’ll just try it a different way until they get it and work them through the problem

has rlly strong relationships with the 9th and 10th graders cause of this and is essentially their older brother figure

the amount of 14/15 year olds that he’s given relationship advice too is insane (id be one of the 14 year olds probably)

♡ luis mendoza !

his type is secretly quiet girls cause he finds them rlly interesting and likes the thought of them being happy around him but quiet around everyone else

he’s like yes girl be urself with me

it all stemmed from the girl he liked in 8th grade who helped pick up his pencils when she accidentally knocked his pencil case out of his hand (she was a quiet nerdy girl)

like a whole year later and he’s still trying to rizz her up 💀

he’s one of those guys who takes forever to lose feelings

the girl is actually good friends with him btw

♡ dwayne robertson !

i feel like he is fucking AMAZING at baking

his icon is dolly parton and he heard berry pie so he immediately learned how to bake

if someone he knows has a birthday he either bakes the birthday cake or brings them something he made depending on how close he is with them

and holy shit it’s the most amazing thing u will ever taste and nothing will ever compare

yes he’s one of those guys who will go on an 18 minute tangent on how amazing dolly parton is if someone talks shit about her (same i love dolly)

[apolloskazoo]

ELLIE & JOEL HEADCANONS

I am so incredibly obsessed and I have so many thoughts about these two so I present to you: 1k words of headcanons.

Ellie will fall asleep on Joel at random times like a cat so that he’s stuck in whatever uncomfortable position he’s in until she wakes up. Once she fell asleep on two feet while leaning against Joel, and he had to catch her before she fell. 

Along with that, she also falls asleep in the weirdest places and positions. He’s almost tripped over her just…walking around the house because she’s sprawled out on the floor. He once found her in a cabinet after panicking and searching for half an hour trying to find her. 

At night, however, she cannot sleep, and when she’s having a bad night and can’t fall asleep again they’ll do something to keep her mind off of nightmares. Joel will tell her a story, play the guitar for her, take her in a little midnight walk, cuddle with her, watch a movie with her, play some kind of board game with her, etc. etc. 

When he has a nightmare he tries not to wake her, but sometimes he can’t help himself and has to open the door and check to make sure she’s still alive, even though it makes him feel guilty for interrupting her sleep. She’s always okay with it and takes her comforting job very seriously, and it normally ends in cuddles to 1) help Ellie fall asleep again and 2) help Joel with his whole nightmare thing. 

They have like…father and daughter super senses. Like Ellie will fall off of a rock and scrape her hand halfway across Jackson and Joel will drop everything he’s doing and go to her even without knowing why, or Ellie will need to find Joel for something and will pick him out of a crowd immediately and it scares people. 

They always tell each other where they’re going to be if they seperate. No exceptions. Even if it’s just down the road or a house or two away, they always know.

Holding hands. They do it all the time. When Ellie is having a Bad Day or having a Bad Moment, Joel will hold her hand to make her feel comforted if they’re out in public. When she’s wandering off and he wants her to stay close he just grabs onto that hand and keeps holding it. When she’s tired she’ll grab his hand and he’ll rub a finger over her knuckles, and she’ll lean her head on his shoulder and she’ll fall asleep. When they’re in the dining hall sitting down beside each other she’ll hold his hand under the table just because she can and because she wants attention, even when Joel is talking to Tommy and not her. She gets very fidgety and sometimes picks at her skin, and Joel will hold her hand to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself. Ellie can sense whenever Joel is anxious or panicking, and one day she notices he’s not doing too good and since he always holds her hand in public when she’s having a Bad Moment, she slips her hand into his to help him, and it actually works, so it becomes a thing she does for him to silently help him like he silently helps her. 

Sometimes they communicate through puns, since they’re emotionally repressed and all. One time Ellie and Joel were exploring some kind of souvenir store and Ellie picked up a koala plushie and said, “I love spending koala-ty time with you.” Joel almost cries (the pun was a 2/10 at best, though). 

They have so many inside jokes it’s crazy. Sometimes somebody will say something completely innocently and both of them will just burst into laughter. Nobody ever figures out why.

PLAY WRESTLING. Ellie one hundred percent is one of those kids that just jumps onto people and only knows horseplay, and Joel always shoves her back when she shoves him. He’s always careful not to hurt her and he never goes on top of her or anything that might seem like that to her, but she is not as careful. He once got a black eye from her accidentally kicking him in the face, and she still feels bad about it to this day.

Joel can recite dinosaur and space facts off the top of his head solely because Ellie talks about it so much and he listens to anything she has to say. Half of it doesn’t make sense to him, but he’s happy to listen. He’s also got all of her favorite puns memorized. 

Ellie will mentally tuck away any weird little Texan sayings Joel absent-mindedly says so that she can find the right moment to say them herself. It’s always funny to see the confused look on people’s faces when she, a 14 year old girl from Boston, whips out the “it’s as hot as the hinges of hell out here!”  

Ellie’s alarm is Joel waking up. When she actually gets sleep, she’ll sleep in until her mind subconsciously recognizes Joel’s footsteps and she wakes up, too. One time Joel was so exhausted he slept past his  normal waking time and both of them slept in until midday. Tommy thought they were both dead and practically broke down the door trying to get in to see if they were rotting corpses. 

Ellie eats like a feral wild animal and Joel gets so worried that she’s going to choke that he just starts cutting her food up for her before every meal. Ellie pretends to be annoyed by it but actually appreciates how it shows he cares. 

Ellie doesn’t even care about being embarrassed about affection from Joel in public. In fact, she enjoys it, and she loves getting her forehead kisses and a “baby girl” from Joel in front of Tommy so he knows his place. 

His personal space is her personal space. Honestly this is just canon. He’s always tripping over her feet when she walks beside him, she clings onto his shirt or hand whenever she can, if she’s taken more than five feet away from him against her will she will definitely go feral QZ child on everyone until she’s back beside him. He definitely panics whenever she’s not near him either, and once he almost tore down a building because he couldn’t find her immediately. 

When they settled into Jackson at first, somebody definitely found out Ellie was an orphan and mentioned finding Ellie a “good family in Jackson for her,” clearly not realizing that Joel is indeed the father. Whoever it was definitely didn’t suggest it again after they both had their own reactions to it, none positive. Nobody tries to seperate them again. 

The residents of Jackson 100% call Ellie “Ellie Miller” because they don’t know her real last name, and Ellie and Joel go with it. She’s referred to as “Joel’s daughter” and him “Ellie’s dad” all of the time, but they don’t correct them, because…it’s not technically a lie…and soon they start saying it about themselves to others, too. Joel refers to Ellie as “my daughter/kid” and Ellie refers to him as “my dad.” They lie and say it’s because it’s easier than explaining, but we all know the real truth. 

Ellie gets so incredibly frustrated while learning the guitar and Joel is so incredibly patient, and though Ellie almost smashes the thing during her lessons, she becomes good at playing the guitar as she gets older and Joel is so proud. Also Ellie uses her new guitar skills to get bitches. (“Oh, you like music? Well, I can play a pretty gnarly twinkle twinkle little star on the guitar, if I do say so myself…”)

Joel brags about Ellie all the time. Like he’ll butt into conversations he’s not even in just to talk about her. “Oh, your son’s going out on his first hunting trip? Yeah, that’s good for him, my daughter took down a whole grown deer all by herself when she was just fourteen.” “Oh, your kid’s good at math? That’s nice, my kid can recite every space book in the library by memory.” He’s that annoying parent and I’m not afraid to admit it. 

—

There are some more but Tumblr has a word limit apparently…so…if y’all want some more HCs just tell me & who knows I might post more

[afreakingdork]

You Are My Sunshine, My Only Moonshine - Chapter 5

RotTMNT x Reader

@phoebepheebsphibs is back depicting some aftermath in this week's chapter art!

Rated: Teen and Up Audiences

Relationships: Michelangelo (TMNT)/Reader, Michelangelo (TMNT)/You, Donatello (TMNT)/Reader, Donatello (TMNT)/You

Warnings: POV Second Person, Gender Neutral Reader, Anxious Reader, Introverted Reader, Stuttering, Aged-Up Mutant Ninja Turtles, Romance, Love, Love Confessions, Falling In Love, Unrequited Love, Rejection, Aromantic Asexual Michelangelo (TMNT), Bisexual Donatello (TMNT), Pansexual Leonardo (TMNT), Lesbian Cassandra Jones | Foot Recruit, Demisexual April O'Neil (TMNT), Implied Cassandra Jones | Foot Recruit/April O'Neil/Sunita, Endgame Donatello (TMNT)/Reader, Romantic Love, Platonic Love, Panic Attacks, Sexuality Crisis, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety, Happy Ending, Fluff

Synopsis:  You’ve lost most of your life to anxiety and fear. Now, in your late 20s, you are desperate to reclaim it and during one such outing you encounter the sun personified. With his and his similarly celestially inspired family, will you finally reach your goal or will you lose yourself along the way?

HUGE shout out to @marwhoa for doing sensitivity reading!

Also available on Ao3

First 💛 Previous

“Mikey.”

“Okay, so we knocked a ton of likely places out: The apartment. All the roads to it. That dumpling house they always order from. The outdoor coffee shop with the cute little plaza-“

“Mikey!”

“Where else? Where else?! We don’t have time!” Mikey launched himself toward the next building.

“We literally only have time!” Leo chased him. “You’re stuck with me. Meaning, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen!”

“Leo! Later! Literally any other time! I’m all ears or whatever Donnie always says we have, but not right now!”

“You weren’t ever going to tell Y/N?”

Mikey tripped over a ledge and somersaulted straight into an air conditioning unit.

Leo’s face appeared, nonplussed by the accident, and peered in through the opening of Mikey’s shell as an omnipresent knowing eye. “Ever?”

Mikey wished he could say no one was home, but he knew the moonlight would give away his gaze. “Leo, we-!“

“The others are all looking too. Take 10, chef.”

Coming up from his favorite nickname, Mikey pouted.

“Talk to me, hermano”

“It’s-!” Mikey opened his mouth to whine, but nothing came out. Hopeless, he sank back into his body, but his chin caught on the top edge of his plastron to keep from a full retreat. “There’s something wrong with me, Lee.”

Leo took a seat. “How’s that?”

“It’s like…” Guilt not only threatened to swallow him whole, but it also took his words. 

This was supposed to be his. 

He was going to keep these feelings locked away until he had time to deal with them. 

It was different, he told himself. 

Different than when his brothers tried to forget or compartmentalize. 

Mikey knew something was wrong. 

He acknowledged it near daily since meeting you. 

He also knew that sometimes someone needed the proper tools to deal with emotions. 

He needed information and he meant to look it up. 

He was planning to do so. 

He had forgotten.

He felt like a child. 

How many times had he made the distinction that he wasn’t the same as his brothers? 

He wasn’t a color to be mixed up. 

Feeling small, Mikey was struck with a memory of how Splinter had taught him how to give a formal apology. 

Placing his hands to the roof, he assumed a dogeza in hopes the appeal would reach his conscience. “How I feel… doesn’t feel like how you talk about your crushes. Or how Donnie does. Or Raph… Or Dad.. Or Barry! O-or anyone! It’s wrong. I’m wrong. I’m scared, Leo. That’s why I wasn’t going to bring it up! I don’t… It wasn’t supposed to go away! What if Y/N hates me? What will I do then?! What if I never see Y/N again!?”

“Hey, hey…! Woah there, bud…” Leo put his hand on Mikey’s carapace and rubbed; it was a circle Mikey had known since they were tots. “Slow down. How about we tackle one thing at a time? Think you can describe those feelings? Maybe let somebody else be the judge if they’re wrong or not?”

Mikey stared into the pebbled surface of the roof. “I… feel… nothing…? But I know I should. Like Y/N smiles and I feel like I should get this big warmth in my chest. It’s the kind of feeling that you get when there’s fireworks or a flower blooming or… metaphors! But… the feeling comes and I know I like it. It makes me feel good. To see Y/N happy. Oh man, Leo, you should have seen Y/N the first time I did. Y/N was… so scared… And-and I had this urge, like this, this was meant to be. I felt that! I felt that ‘at first sight’ feeling! Like, I can do this! This person needs me and I can be their person and I was! At least, I thought… I was. I eased in! I didn’t push because like, yeah, who am I to decide that? I always gave Y/N an out! Always! But then… that was it! Like I love you guys and I know that in my heart, but this is different, and then I look at Y/N and I feel… not that, a different thing, but it’s not not that. It’s like a step below how I feel for you guys and that’s not right because I know I feel more, or I think I feel more or…? I want… to… feel… more…?” In a warm drip, he felt the safe, non-threatening sort of tears dribble down his cheeks.

He rubbed a few of them away before checking on Leo.

His brother had open concern twisted on his features. 

Mikey agreed.

This was a mess.

Now he’d forced his brother into the mix. 

His whole family was sure to come next.

How many people were going to be struck by the fall out?

Donnie had a point.

Mikey never fully considered the repercussions of his actions.

He never did.

Wracked with more sobs, Mikey willed for what felt like the thousandth time that this confusion would end.  

“Ah! Don’t do that!” Leo rushed to scoop up Mikey’s shell and hold his little brother close. “Shit, Mike, that wasn’t me thinking you were wrong! You’re not broken. You’re not wrong. I’m sorry. That look was for me. I was upset I never noticed. I should have realized something was up. I saw you wigging out about your new sweetheart, but I figured you were excited. I was thinking, ‘boy, look at him, finally got his crush on. You go little bro!’ when I should have seen how you were forcing yourself. I should have…”

Mikey shook his head so violently it smacked Leo’s chin a few times.

The slider leaned away, but kept his hold.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing.” Leo returned to stare Mikey down.

“Then why… isn’t my heart working!?”

“Okay, first off.” Leo jammed a finger into Mikey’s pectoral scutes. “It is. You’re literally made of turtles, love, and sunshine. Your ticker is ticking a way in there. I’m no expert, but I don’t think this is a working, not working kinda thing, Mike.”

“How is that possible? There’s only the two options.” A few fat plump tears dripped down Mikey’s face and onto Leo’s shirt.

Leo made a face before digging into his side pouch and producing tissues. “We’ll figure this out. I think April would be a good person to start with, but first-“

“Y/N!” Mikey screeched, scrambled off of Leo, and headed to the roof’s edge where he looked out like a skipper on a boat. “Stupid, stupid! Why do I always forget?!”

Leo sighed. “Quit it with that degradation talk. A certain Dr. Feelings gets pretty pissy when I do it.”

“That’s different.” It really was. 

“Yeah, right!” Leo walked over and gently tapped his brother on the back of the head. “I’m here, you know that, right?”

“I know, Leo.” Mikey sent his brother an honest look.

Leo took it with a lopsided smile. “So… that pretty plaza was totally the next thing on the list, eh?”

“No!! We were just there, the next is-!” Mikey growled, knowing full well that Leo had goaded him on purpose.

-

“Y/N is alright. They’ve been deposited at their apartment.” Donnie’s voice crackled on the communicator.

“I’m going.” Mikey changed direction with a pivot of his foot.

“Uh, you sure?” Leo readied, clearly prepared for either a chase or interception.

“They’re tired Mikey. Let Y/N sleep it off and you two can have your talk on a date of both your choosing.” Donnie’s voice warbled with static.

“And why is it-!?” Mikey roared, spinning around and hating there wasn’t a specific place he could send his anger. “-that you know that?! Why were you with Y/N!? Why did you go to Y/N’s apartment?! What did you do?! Your tests!??!”

Leo loosely grabbed Mikey’s shoulders for a firm grip of solidarity. “Donnie, I can only hold him back so long. You gotta answer at least one of those. Mike’s earned it and you said, point blank, you were going to your lab. So, how is it that you ended up going to where they live? What’s the real haps?”

Donnie sighed. “I’m en route. Can you wait a few more moments?”

“How long?” Mikey was itching to get out of there.

He could see you.

He could fix this.

Tears brought clarity.

It was science Donnie had taught him.

“Now.” Voice cross fading into existence, Donnie flew in and walked into his landing.

He was too casual.

Mikey went through old training, focusing on each of his muscle groups in an attempt to keep from attacking.

Lashing out wasn’t reasonable.

Not yet.

Running into battle with pizzazz and no forethought was the stuff of teenagers.

“I know how this looks.” Donnie raised his hands. “I did lie. I went after Y/N while you all were trying to calm Mikey down.”

Leo threw his hands up both to release Mikey and to do a frustrated lap.

Years had taught the youngest of another route.

Now freed, Mikey let betrayal leak onto his face.

A low blow, he watched it strike Donnie.

The guilt displayed there was the only reason Mikey didn’t pounce. “What did you do?”

Wilting, Donnie lowered his hands along with his head. “I didn’t go after Y/N for… what I imagine you think is the usual reason is. I needed a clarification on something said. I didn’t pursue in peace; I tracked Y/N down for knowledge.”

Taking the information in with waves of warped features, Mikey gave an exhale with what felt like the last of his breath. “Where did you find Y/N?”

“The exit by 19th.”

Indignity flared without mysticism this time.

Mikey had burned up enough energy for one day.

The slight was still palpable.

It tried to trigger a response from his taxed powers.

On reserves, nothing manifested besides the usual toxic emotions.  

That was your exit.

That was the first place he looked. 

The one this person who supposedly hated you found you first.

Right there.

That meant you were right there.

Right where he’d stormed past thinking of all other places you could go.

Mikey missed it.

He’d missed you. 

“I…”

Through the silence, Mikey heard the guilt pile on through Donnie’s hesitation.

It was enough to make him think he’d spare a little mystic fire.

As a treat.

Mikey could almost hear Donnie’s teeth whine around his grimace “You didn’t miss Y/N by accident. We both heard you come through. I… may have hid Y/N away via the camouflage tarp. You know? The one I’d been testing from those mutant chameleon scales we picked up?”

“Why would you-!?” Mikey took a step forward and thought Leo might stop him.

No hands moved.

It was odd enough that it gave Mikey pause to search for his blue brother. 

Just off to the side, he found the slider glowering at the ground with a furrowed brow ridge.

Mikey best guess was Leo was berating himself for missing two things in one night. 

The lot of them weren’t just off their usual games, they were acting in each other’s roles. 

“Did Y/N ask you to?” Mikey found himself needing to be the level headed one with Leo supposedly out of commission.

“Not verbally.”

“Not-!” It was too much, but Mikey pressed. “Why then?” 

“I hadn’t gotten my response. I knew the moment you got your hands on Y/N, I would never have the chance. I needed… I needed to know.” Donnie’s eyes closed and he slumped the smallest bit. 

Mikey took satisfaction in that. 

Any comeuppance was immediately offset by further guilt. 

Being mad at Donnie wasn’t going to get him closer to you. 

Donnie clearly knew he was in the wrong. 

Mikey would interrogate him later. 

He’d find out what his purple brother was hiding. 

He disliked how you both had information he wasn’t aware of. 

The rot of not knowing twisted inside of him.

It merged with the image of your shredded face.

This wasn’t Donnie’s fault.

Or Leo’s.

It was his. “I… broke Y/N’s trust.”

“I… don’t think it’s so simple.” Donnie shuffled, uncomfortable with the whole matter.  

“It’s not.” Leo stepped in verbally, but kept his distance.

Donnie perked up, catching the nuisance there. “What are you talking about? Did something else happen?”

“We need to talk to April.” Leo noted with a leader’s authority that said it was time to rendezvous.

Long used to the chain of command, Donnie animated to summon the rest of the team via the comm.

Tapping the waves, the others rallied with minor complaints.

They wanted and deserved explanations which sent Mikey wallowing into a corner.

Casey’s voice cracked the line and demanded to know why her hunt was called off.  

It took Leo growling out a stern, “Return to base,” for the others to quiet.  

It was the Hamato way to be messy.

They got the job done with individuality.

Mikey heard Donnie approach him.

It was too soon. 

Mikey didn’t look as he took off.

He never glanced behind him once. 

All the way to the living room.

The space was quiet and the move sat on a pause screen. Mikey walked toward the projector before looking out at the chaos he had wrought. It dotted the space and everything was turned over save his dad’s chair. Sitting in it was Splinter, fast asleep. If this were any other night, Mikey would have approached his dad to ask why he’d been late to movie night.

He’d be up soon enough.

The others clambered in and the head Hamato was immediately roused. Leo helped field their dad who was frustrated that he was left out of the loop. Arguments ensued and Mikey was thankful as it gave him additional time to process. He needed the moment and knew he wouldn’t have long before he’d be the one under scrutiny. Whether it was from the many explanations everyone was due or this supposed lecture he was supposed to get from expert April, Mikey needed to make sure he would be able to accept all that was about to occur. 

He might have had more time if Donnie wasn’t poking holes in his thoughts with his gaze alone.

A minute was all he needed.

Something that no one in this family seemed to want to give.

When April arrived, it was with a commotion that alone made her worthy of the Hamato crest. Even while restraining a foaming at the mouth Casey, April had the wherewithal to take in the room’s quieter occupants. Only slightly less of a tactician’s mind than Leo, April screamed for Sunita. The slime yokai wasn’t far off and bounced up, sticky fingers ready. Casey sensed she was about to be carted away and prepared to fight the decision until April released her. Confused by the freedom, Casey spun around only for April to fold her arms and say that she was proud. Suspicious to a fault, Casey warily took the bait as to why and April continued on praising Casey for how excited she was to discuss feelings as they were about to. 

With a deadpan, Casey searched the room and, with one glance at Mikey’s crestfallen face, she knew.

Throwing her head back as if she hadn’t just been in a screeching headlock, she asked Sunita to hang out somewhere away from where the weaklings would cry together.

With a whisper to April, Sunita agreed and Mikey saw Casey throw up a concerned a call me hand sign to April before the pair exited.

The momentary lap in silence revealed Leo whispering in a hushed conversation with his dad.

The others looked on expectantly and Splinter rose under the attention. “I will return for the recap!”

He hopped out of his chair and headed for the kitchen.

Now four brothers and one honorary sister, April address the group. “So… How about that crush, huh Mikey?”

“That’s…!” Raph jumped at the chance to dispel the heavy air. “That’s good! Right, big man?” He turned to Mikey, twitchy. “I mean it’s not… good, good considering… that Y/N sort of… Uhhhh…”

“April, I’m broken.” Mikey cut through and decided he was as ready as he’d ever be.

“Mikey, you’re not-“ Leo rolled his head with minor irritation.

Donnie blinked between parties trying to piece together what he had missed.

“Broken? Whatcya mean?” April steered toward the youngest.

“Something’s wrong. I told Leo. Something’s not right. Do you think my mystic energy could be getting in the way? Drax was telling me that my channels are unbalanced or something, but he always says that to get me back on my training. I know he’s worried, he just-“

April placed her hands on both his shoulders and gave him one single shake. “How about we focus on one thing at a time? Like how I don’t even know what you think is wrong?”

“Right!” Mikey chirped, always glad for her straight to the point attitude.

He’d modeled himself after her in that way.

“What’s wrong?” She patted him, but held firm. “Something with your crush?”  

“Yeah!” That was another thing he liked, she always understood. That was probably why she’d been able to get so close to Donnie. “It’s not right. I know I have feelings for Y/N, but my channels are all gummed up… Oh!!! The emotions aren’t flowing right! That’s it! Yup! It’s just like my ninpo! That’s gotta be it! I think I figured it out! What do you think, Leo?!”

Mikey turned to find Leo giving the twice the grimace he had earlier.

Instead of apologizing, Leo turned away with a sweaty laugh.

“That’s… one option.” April gave her own nervous nod. “Mind if I hear Leo’s interpretation too?”

“Uh… sure…” Mikey was sure he cracked it.

Leo had a particular gift when it came to hunches though.

“Let’s hear it.” April released Mikey to fold her arms in a neutral way.

“You’re getting the second telling of the night.” Leo wiped his brow and flicked back his mask. “The first time Mikey explained it was something like he feels like the feelings should be there, but they aren’t.”

“They aren’t…?” April’s eyes shot up to consider the details given before she returned to Mikey. “You also said you were broken.”

Mikey nodded.

“He compared his crush to ours. What he’s seen all of us do. Even Barry which is like, ew right? How do you even know about that?!” Leo stuck his tongue out.

The two silent brothers twitched at their footnotes.  

Another flicker of her pupil, April clicked her tongue. “Damn, would that make this your first one…? Wait, is that right??”

Mikey was caught.

He’d gotten away with not having to deal with this conversation for years. 

The rest of his family was painfully dramatic when it came to their relationship statuses and he was often relegated as the calm one of the bunch. 

His annoying youngest label had also been a benefit as he seemingly wasn’t considered old enough. 

He supposed that was one of the few perks. 

“First we’ve known.” Raph offered.

For April, that wasn’t good enough. “Mikey?”

“The… first… yeah…” Mikey drew out, feeling painfully self conscious.

He hadn’t meant to get to 28 without a crush.

He’d tried.

More than once.

There was that cute yokai girl at this favorite ink stand in the hidden city.

The barista who always drew him the cutest doodles on his disposable cups.

That Brooklyn boy who moonlighted as a vigilante of his own.

That psych major with the dimples.

There were even more than that.

Fleeting instances where he swore feelings would catch.

The wick in his chest was only waiting to be lit.

He could manifest fire with barely a thought, but it was the one place he couldn’t make it occur.

It was a hollow feeling, but he didn’t feel empty.

The candle was there.

Stationary and not making him feel less.

And yet it refused to serve its purpose.

What was the point?

“Mikey…” April patted his head like she used to do when he was a kid.

It was the third time tonight he was taken back to his past.

How long was he going to keep being a kid about everything?

Something warm and wet hit his hand and when he went to look, he found tears falling again.

Only salt and water, he wiped his cheeks to find more of them.

How long would he keep crying about this?

“I’m sorry…” She murmured and he pushed into her hand so she’d pet him harder. “You’re okay. You’re not broken.”

“How do you know? I know you got your bat and you’ve picked up spells, but can you see my mystic energy channels!?” Mikey huffed through his fractured emotions.

“I can’t. What I can see is how upset this is making you and I want to help, but I’m gonna need to know more.”

“Like what?! What else is there?! I told you! I’m wrong! Like the ooze skipped a step in making me! My emotions are messed up!”

“Shh…” She pulled him into a hug and continued to stroke his head. “What’s wrong with the way you feel? You care about Y/N right?”

He nodded furiously, knowing he was rubbing snot into her shirt.

She didn’t care. “How is that wrong?”

“It’s not enough. When-” He hiccupped. “When Leo first met that bunny, it was palpable. The affection radiated off of him in waves. When Donnie first saw Atomic Lass, he was so young! His eyes lit up like he was looking at one of his inventions! When that waitress hit on Raph, he became a blubbering mess, but you could tell she was all he thought about for weeks after! I’m not… I’m not like any of them.”

“Because you’re you.” April pushed him to a comfortable arm’s length away so she could view him. “What’s that thing you said about replicas?”

Mikey couldn’t help but smile.

He loved how April remembered that.

“That there is no true replica for a moment.”

It was a fact he’d learned in practice. 

There was no way to recapture an instant. 

It didn’t matter the medium used. 

You could only create an ode to it. 

It was only possible to inspire the feeling. 

Cooking was an art.

Painting was an art.

They were called Mystic Arts.

Martial Arts.

They were creative expressions and the experience of life itself.

“No two people feel romance the same, they also don’t have to feel it at all.” She explained.

Mikey felt every muscle in his body drop.

Thankful for April’s strength and the hours she’d put in at the gym solely to beat Casey at arm wrestling, she was the only thing keeping him upright.

“Romance…?” He quacked, the sound splitting him.

April only gave the barest nod, encouraging whatever was happening.

Was it an epiphany?

He wasn’t so sure.

It was more like he finally saw the candle for what it was.

The wick was real for sure.

Only the entire thing was electric.

It never needed to be lit.

It held a light all his own.

“Different types of love…” Mikey mumbled. “Family, friends…” He gave a half laugh. “Romance?” He checked in with April.

She watched on, patiently.

Leo snorted.

April preemptively shushed him.

Leo wrapped a hand around his mouth and shook his head.

This was Leo’s hunch then.

“This seems… kinda obvious?” Raph asked openly.

Donnie backhanded his older brother’s plastron and gave him a look that said ‘don’t.’

Donnie knew then too.

At least someone was on his side.  

That was why Raphie was his favorite.

Raph was also still different from him.

That burning flame in his big brother’s chest had to be a torch.

It had guided them all for so long.

It would go on to be nurtured by someone else.

Heat.

“Oh… Oh no…” Mikey made a disgusted face. “Does that mean…?”

He had to spin around.

To see all their faces and the different understandings.

Romance was always equated with sex.

He wasn’t sure if he was repulsed by it, but it had been such a thing.

Donnie had been the first of them to find his urges on that front.

Mikey thought he was too young, but it apparently varied.

Splinter had completely whiffed the birds and bees talk and made it into a family ordeal much to everyone’s horror.

Except Mikey.

He watched the others squirm and couldn’t figure out why.

Sure, the content was gross, but it was just a talk.

It had felt like he was removed.

Donnie, meanwhile, was mortified.

The others were ready to pounce on him for instigating the topic. 

He had tried to dig down and bury himself during which had spurned on further conversation about holes.

The talk which was repeated three separate times for each awakening was never one that resonated with Mikey.

All the shame and worry that the others had didn’t struck Mikey in the same way.

When he’d asked dad, as soon as the others ran away to their respective rooms, Splinter had simply said it was because he wasn’t ready.

He was too young.

Someday soon though, it would come.  

But only age did.

Outside of crushes, puberty hit a house with four teen boys in it.

Changing bodies and hormone horrors.

More shame, more hiding, more and different talks, but still.

Mikey didn’t understand.

There were rushes.

Things he’d wake up too.

His body would do things, but he’d shake it off.

A quick shower and the tide would calm.

He tested, of course.

He’d heard his brothers complain about the aftermath in whispers.

How it was worth it, but at what cost.

The price of admission wasn't worth it, let alone an exit fee.

It hadn’t felt like anything in particular.

A sort of empty pleasure that seemed like a waste.

He didn’t bother and eventually his body evened out.

He waited for the others to join him in passivity.

They only needed to let it pass and, in a way, it did.

It also never left them.  

From then on, they’d talk about it and when they did, he wanted to roll his eyes.

So much effort.

So messy.

Throwing other people into the mix.

For what?

You got the same if not more pleasure from eating a perfectly balanced dish.

You might as well cook.

Or better yet, you could feel the sense of accomplishment that came with seeing the work of art you’d been painting for months come to fruition. 

Oftentimes it never matched your mind's image, but instead became something better.  

That was priceless.

Every second was worth it.

You worked towards something.

Something that could be similarly intangible, but who could argue with those results?

That was what irritated him.

It was so easy for him to live without sex being a thing.

The others were boring.

How could you have a one track mind about something like that?

Blinking wide, Mikey turned to April.

“Don’t… don’t tell me they’re connected?”

Why hadn’t he realized?

In that department, he never thought he was broken.

He’d simply thought the others were addled.

Their sex drives were choked up to their emotional constipations.

He had refused to be Doctor Sex-Ed.

“They’re not.” April offered, quiet as if still not wanting to intrude.

“What?” Mikey needed her to say it.

“Sex and romance.” April responded quick and to the point.

Raph let out a drawled syllable and this time both Leo and Donnie punched the larger turtle’s chest.

“They’re… but I don’t…?”

“There’s labels…” She pulled out her phone.

“We’re not into labels.” Mikey responded automatically as he stared at her fingers tacking over the screen.

Human hands fascinated him.

They were his favorite to draw.

So delicate in comparison to theirs.

Sleek.

Functional.

April held out her phone for him to see and on the screen were horizontal bars in turtle colors and monochromatics.

Resisting reading it aloud, he took the device and flipped through the entry.

This was the flagged representation of aromanticism. 

Romanticism was just as much a spectrum as sexuality. 

There was more. 

There were enormous blocks of text and details. 

He didn’t have time.

Or at least, that’s what the latent rush of his mind said.

He had meant to run to you.

It now seemed like his time would be of better use elsewhere.

 “You don’t have to use a label, but sometimes they help. Like for research.” She shrugged.

“You…” Mikey looked around the faces in the room. “You guys can go. I need to… think about this…”

Donnie nodded first, walking off before Leo patted Raph’s carapace strategically. “Come on Big Red, how about I clear this up for you?”

“Yeah, please.” Raph glanced over to Mikey and hesitated. “You sure? You don’t seem good…”

“I can’t go through the explanation again… And I really don’t want to hear it from Leo.” Mikey gave a deadened stare before flicking his gaze to his blue brother. “No offense.”

“None taken.” Leo tipped his head with a grin. “I already said I wasn’t the expert, that’s why I brought her in.” He snapped toward April and she returned the finger gun before Leo led Raph out.

Now alone with his sister, Mikey held her phone out while simultaneously searching for his own. “Why does Leo keep saying you’ll know?”

“When Leo realized he wasn’t all that straight, he sort of had a crisis.”

Mikey blinked wide. 

As far as he knew, Leo had owned his sexuality. 

All he could remember was Leo’s extravagant coming out which had included a very exact number of unicorns. “Wait, wha-?”

“He was kinda worried about what you guys would think, but mostly he was worried about Splints. Splints doesn’t… come from the best culture for that kind of thing and Leo needed to get out of the lair to talk about it, just in case.”

“I…” Mikey’s gaze dropped, halfway through typing out ‘aromantic’ into his search bar. “I didn’t know he was struggling back then… I- I wasn’t there I-“

“Nope, none of that.” April clapped his arm. “One, it’s in the past and two, it’s like that sometimes. No matter how much your family loves and understands, sometimes you gotta go outside the unit. It’s like being in your own head. You gotta get out.”

“You are family.” Mikey reminded her, knowing full well April had doubted her place through the years.

“You know what I mean.” She flicked his forehead.

He fell back dramatically for the sake of it.

She smirked above him before offering a hand and hoisting him up.

She really could have knocked him off his feet with a finger if she wanted.

“Anyway, back then we had a long talk about it. We had a sleepover, another talk, lunch, another talk. Leo’s pretty damn stubborn. He talked himself in so many circles it was like, boy how did you not know you already weren’t straight?!” She laughed big and loud.

Mikey smiled.

“Anyway, unlike you who needs to come to these conclusions on his own, Leo is the kind of guy that needs to be validated. So I told him about how I realized I was demi.”

“Wait, what do you mean conclusions?” Mikey pouted.

April tilted her head and arched a brow that said it was obvious. “Mikey, seriously? You’re stubborn as hell. If anyone told you how you feel about something, you would purposefully stop just because you were told.”

Mikey pursed his lips until it puckered his whole mouth. “Do not!”

“You’re literally doing it right now.” She pointed with an ace in the hole.

Like his mind was blown, his jaw dropped before he grumbled it away. “Okay maybe…” he had to bite down to keep from saying that he still wasn’t totally sure, but that in and of itself cinched the truth for him. “What’s demi then?”

“I… I mighta thought I was aro for a bit.” She gestured to his phone and he finished up that typing in the search. “You already know I couldn’t connect with my peers. I was always more interested in a scoop or busting baddies than kissing. I felt… like I’d never be part of anything…”

Mikey inhaled sharply, ready to tackle this self consciousness, but April held her hand out to stop him.

“My past, I’m good now.”

Mikey nodded and lowered his guard.

“But then I got to know Casey. Seeing how she was the same. How she also couldn’t fit in with her peers, crappy or not.” She sent Mikey a brow wiggle.

Mikey chuckled.

“We were both outsiders and total enemies to lovers.” April mused wistfully. “I remember the first time I felt it. It was years after she’d turned over her new leaf. We were out camping, the proper one that Splints finally got going.”

Mikey knew the one.

“All those stars and I thought ‘damn someone put them in her eyes.’” April softened at the memory. “I kissed her right then and the sparks…” She shook her head.

“Then… can’t… I be like that? I just need to know Y/N longer and...!”

“Well…” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “You might not. Just because it happened for me, doesn’t mean it’ll happen for you. Remember, we’re all different here. Everyone is. There’s no right way. There’s no wrong one either.”

Mikey slumped and stared as that flag that was populating his search.

If it wasn’t green he thought maybe he could hate it.

That was a lie, all colors had their place.

Blinking at that thought, he walked over and headbutted April’s arm. “Thank you April… This… I needed this.”

“Yeah, you take some time. Whatever you need. You need to talk more, you call me, kay?” She bumped him right back.

“Is there anyone I’m not in debt too?” He mused dryly before heading towards his room. It was there he curled up with his phone and mentally willed himself to engage. It took several re-readings, but eventually the text started to take. Soon, Mikey was exploring every internet resource possible until the glowing starry stick-ons that he covered his ceiling with stared back at his bloodshot eyes. “Aroace, huh?”

💛 NEXT 💛

Beta bus round up for my everlasting gratitude toward @tmntxthings and @thepinkpanther83

[morsmortish]

i see you vague posting about a “bones and all” AU, i need more!!!

oh how glad i am you asked. there are many thoughts, many many many things to say.

i gotta admit i only watched bones and all for the first time a few weeks ago but all i could think about the whole time was how similar lee and barty were and then i started listening to a shitload of ethel cain and then i gave in to the voices and started properly thinking about a rosekiller au of all of it combined- i would say while i’ve tagged it as a bones and all au, it’s more of a hybrid of bones and all AND preachers daughter AND all my whirring thoughts on religiously traumatised bcj. (plus i’ve always had a soft spot for cannibalism imagery, which is probably only slightly concerning.)

the plan for the fic is to follow the rough plotline of bones and all (two cannibals on a road trip that fall in love) with a few tweaks. controversially, barty occupies the role that maren has in the film, but only in the sense that he is the main protagonist, and the story is more following his journey of self acceptance than it is of evan’s, who fills lee’s role as the ‘love interest’ who helps barty discover himself and then…well, dies. lee himself is so so barty but i think some of his traits and experiences (i’m solely thinking of the “do you think i’m a bad person?” to “am i bad? am i bad? thread for this) can and will still be a part of barty’s characterisation here.

there are some key changes to the film in this au though. for starters, barty crouch junior is going to be carrying a Hell Of A Lot of religious trauma. i want his dad to be a preacher, the pair of them living in a small town together. barty’s mother is dead, and barty is made to feel sort of responsible for this. the cannibalistic urges he has are kept under lock and key by his father, who essentially tries to scare him off of acting on them, using the threat of what happened to bcj’s mother as a kind of ‘ammunition’ (it makes sense in my head i swear). i want things to be getting progressively worse in this town, barty not being able to control himself as he gets older, i want his father leaving him to fend for himself one day. i want barty fleeing his town as they line up with metaphorical (or literal!) pitchforks outside his front door, and i want him meeting evan a few days later. i want them embarking on a mission to find barty’s father, but, unlike maren and lee, evan and barty are on a road trip to find and kill this old fucker.

evan is a difficult character for me to latch on to in this. he’s similar to lee in the way that he has left his town, he has a (twin) sister waiting for him back home, he’s USED to this life now. he’s very circumstancially (is that a word?) similar to lee, but, because he’s Evan Rosier, he’s just a weird little freak. he fills the ‘part’ of lee in the story but his personality is entirely evan. i want him being off-puttingly pedantic about the people he eats, the way he eats them, how he disposes of the evidence. like lee, he has a system for how to take advantage of his victim’s belongings, but it’s much more meticulous, almost mechanical. he’s somewhat detached from the whole thing. he loves the rhythm of eating someone, unlike barty, who much more resembles a rabid dog. he’s got a system for how he is going to live his life all laid out, and he’s not the most accommodating when barty tries to butt in and change everything around by dragging him along on some harebrained revenge scheme against his own dad. but he can’t help but get sucked into barty’s aura and he can’t help but (albeit reluctantly) drive him all across america in a fuckass truck.

that’s a sort of (extraordinarily long) backdrop for this fic. at its core it IS a bones and all au, but there’s so much to unpack in terms of barty’s religious trauma, which i think will pair so nicely with the cannibalism (↤ top ten phrases ever???). there’s also evan and pandora and their backstory, and don’t even get me STARTED on tom riddle and his Death Eaters (the clue is in the goddamn name).

BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING ROYAL, you’ve given me such a lovely opportunity to ramble about my thoughts and i’m spiritually lying on my bed giggling and kicking my legs any time i get to reply to an actual ask that an actual someone has actually asked me. the issue is i’m notoriously bad at actually writing these ideas, so this may end up staying as a very developed concept, with a pinterest board, a playlist, a tumblr tag…you get the gist.

[rowdyhughesy]

Holding your hand- Nico Hischier

“ I could start fires with what I feel for you “

- David Ramirez

inspired by Grace by Lewis Capaldi

word count: 1k

I'm not ready to be just another of your mistakes

I can't seem to drown you out long enough

I fell victim to the sound of your love

You're like a song that I ain't ready to stop

I got nothing but you on my mind

Falling for Nico was all consuming, he existed in every crevice, every small crack, every minor detail of your whole being.

You’d tried to push him away. Keep him at a safe distance so he couldn’t reel you in but it was all in vain. The inviting look in his deep brown eyes and soft spoken words as he talked. How he carried himself when he walked into a room.

You tried and tried to not become another one of the girls who ultimately would get their hearts broken by beautiful men.

Every time you thought he’d given up he proved you wrong. He would show up at your apartment with a smile and promises of movie nights or takeaway from your favourite diner from the corner of your street.

“Whats your deepest fear?” He’d asked one time as you were laying in your bed, covers pulled up to your chin and phone beside you on speaker. Nico away on a road trip in Canada and even though he’s so far away he still feels as close as ever. Even from the other side of a phone call.

The question had caught you off guard, just a couple of seconds ago you’d been intently listening to the soft breathing of your -newly- boyfriend. Imagining him on his back in the hotel room, blanket up to his waist and one arm tucked underneath his head. Eyelids fluttering as he tries to stay awake just a while longer so he can continue hearing your voice.

“Being forgotten, never doing anything memorable with my life so that when I die people forget that I ever existed. Not leaving something behind that reminds others of me, that I was here once and now I’m not. I think that’s what scares me.” It’s quiet on the other end. Not even a ruffling from Nico moving on the bed or sounds of breathing. It makes you wonder if he hung up while you were talking.

“You’re not forgettable.” The response is simple but you understand the underlying meaning behind them. I will remember you, I won’t let others forget you existed once, I’ll make sure you’re not forgotten.

“What’s your fear?” Trying to push down the growing lump in your throat it’s easier to place the focus on him. On his thoughts and not yours, so you won’t feel as bare as you are feeling in this moment. Like you’re showing him every worry and anxiety you try to hide from everyone all the time. To not make people worry.

“Not being what others expect me to be. The whole idea of what a first round hockey player should be and making everyone disappointed.” His voice is whispering, like you’re two little kids in a blanket fort telling each other secrets nobody else can know.

And you suppose you are those two kids in that fort, hiding in your own space just the two of you whispering things nobody else will hear. Sharing things you’ve been scared to tell somebody else. Finding comfort in each other and the fact that you aren’t alone in your fears.

You tell him that he’s not making anyone disappointed, that he’s a great hockey player.

What you’re dying to tell him is I love you, I know you’ll become more than what anyone could ever think you would. You’re the greatest player I’ve ever seen. I believe in you.

Don't wanna let the pieces fall out of place

I was only just a breath removed from going to waste

Till I found salvation in the form of your...

Your grace

You’d never been religious but began to question the whole idea that people come into your life when you need them the most. That someone out there in the universe sends them your way because they know they’re what you need.

That someone out there gave you Nico when everything felt like a bottomless pit. A gaping black wormhole just waiting for the right time. Waiting for you to slip on that thin ledge and fall into it.

The hand that reached out and grabbed you right as you were about to stumble and fall. Saving you from the figurative monster that’s wanting to sink its claws and teeth in you. Rip you apart from the inside in the form of depression and loneliness.

He didn’t know it yet, you haven’t told him about that part of your life before he came into it. You aren’t sure you’ll ever tell him. It feels so long ago now, a million light years away. A distant memory of the past that you’d rather never think about again.

Not now that he’s here and he isn’t going anywhere. He’s here and he’s pulling you further away from that ledge without even knowing it.

You remember the first time he told you he loved you. It’s still unsure if he even meant for the words to slip out.

He says it was on purpose but the pink tint on his cheeks when you bring it up tells another story. You said it back without even think about it. It felt like second nature to say you love him out loud. Because you do, so much.

Nico’s lips had pulled up into a goofy smile before he’d grabbed your cheeks and pressed a hundred kisses on your lips. Repeating I love you breathlessly when you pulled back for air. Brown eyes shining brighter than the stars and sweaty hair falling over his forehead. Still dressed in his gear but it was perfect.

You aren’t religious but you thank god every single day for bringing you Nico. For the stars aligning and bringing you the person meant for you, giving you the sunlight that shines over the darkest shadows and that keeps on shining.

Keeps on holding you away from that invisible ledge.

[thelastaerie]

Post-canon multi-chapter FF fics:

The Berlin Chapter - Takes place two years after Free Fall. A special work assignment sends Marc to Berlin, after he finds out Kay has been living there. Kay enjoys his new life in Berlin and is in a budding relationship with a prominent politician, while Marc is determined to convince Kay to give him a second chance, he still has his whole life back in Ludwigsburg.

A Spotless Mind - This takes place about a year after the original film. Separated from Bettina and feeling alienated in his unit, Marc asks for a transfer to Stuttgart, he is still battling the depression caused by Kay's departure and a drinking problem... one day, he finds Kay working in a bar near where he lives... Though this is another "Fix it" fanfic, it has a twist which some may find implausible, but I have this idea that wouldn't go away, so I thought I'll try to reunite Kay and Marc under different circumstances.

Parting Words - This is a post Canon fic set 10 years after the movie. Marc is now a Sergeant in Berlin’s criminal investigation police department (KriPo), balancing a promising career and a busy dating life. Even though the one regret in his life remains, Marc believes he has moved on - or so he thought until he sees Kay again by chance on the train one morning. Just like before, seeing Kay unravels Marc’s life. It doesn’t help that Kay seems to be doing a disappearing act. Their paths cross when a work-related opportunity presents itself, they soon find out how much has changed and how much has remained the same between them.

Winter Bird - A post-canon short story set between 2-3 years after the original movie ending. Marc tries to move on; he thinks Kay has moved on, so it shouldn’t matter when Frank tells him where Kay is, should it? But soon regrets and memories keep calling, Marc decides to go looking - a trip which could turn out to be a fateful one - for the road to redemption is paved with perils.

The Confessional - This is a post-canon short story.

Leaving Ludwigsburg, his police career and Marc Borgmann behind, Kay Engel decides to have a new career and a new life. His phone number isn’t new but at least he has the sense to block Marc’s number. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Except Marc doesn’t seem to care that Kay isn’t listening. He has made a habit of leaving one-sided messages, treating Kay’s phone like a confessional…

Alternate Universe (AU) multi-chapter FF fics:

Doppelpass - AU story based on Free Fall characters, set in the world of professional football/soccer league in Germany (Bundesliga).  Star attacking midfielder Marc Borgmann has two goals this year: winning the league title and Player of the Year award, until Kay Engel enters his life and makes him questioning everything in his life.  A rising star in League 2, Kay Engel has a secret he has to keep and falling in love with his new team captain is not his idea of a career move.

Doppelpass: How to Solve a Problem Like Mario - Marc and Kay are living their new life in Hamburg. Marc is the manager of St. Pauli football team who has just been promoted to Bundesliga top league. He begins to notice that one of his players, Mario Lüthi, seems to be harbouring a secret; and has taken an interest in meeting Kay.  Set in the “Doppelpass” serie universe, this is a slight crossover with the characters from the movie “Mario” (2018), although you do not need to watch “Mario” to follow this story.

Doppelpass: Christmas coda - Doppelgänger - This little Christmas chapter takes place after Doppelpass’s last Chapter but before the Epilogue.  This is soon after they have moved to Hamburg, when Marc is getting his football management pro licence and Kay is attending university.  In Kay’s POV - Marc and Kay discuss how to spend their Christmas.

Running on Empty - This is a AU story based on Freier Fall/Free Fall characters. Plus a few original characters.  For Marc Borgmann, life is good. He’s about to get married, the security company he co-owns finally hits the big league, landing a lucrative contract to protect prominent businessman, Wenzel Wolff. What he isn't expecting is Wenzel's aloof and ambitious executive assistant, Kay Klossner, who seems to be hiding a secret or two, of who he really is - someone from Marc’s past.  Kay Engel thinks he has the best-laid plans. He is so close to the truth now, all he needs is a bit more time. What he isn't expecting is his first crush, Marc Borgmann, reappearing in his life again, stirring up feelings Kay thought he has long given up.  Marc sees himself as a protector, but he has no idea who he might end up protecting.

Wanderlust - “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” - Marc meets Kay, a charming stranger, during a holiday in a Far East city. And allows himself to break a few rules along the way. It’s okay, Marc thinks. Because they will never see each other again. Right?  Until one day Kay turns up in Marc’s place of business... This is an AU story with Free Fall characters. A semi holiday romance with a closeted bisexual man who is good with his hands, a photographer who is often prettier than the subjects he photographs. And a chocolate Labrador with separation anxiety.

Take Me Home - An AU story based on Free Fall characters.

Sole heir of a large family business empire, Marc Borgmann is used to his jet-set high life. He has deals to make, plans to execute and goals to achieve. He also has a secret. But don’t worry, he already has a solution for it. It’s all under control - he has an agreement with his ambitious girlfriend. Marc likes rules and he follows them. Until he meets Kay Engel on a flight from Berlin to New York, who breaks rules for fun, leaves napkins with cute cartoons everywhere he goes and Marc can’t seem to get rid of him. Or does he really want to? This is more than opposite attracts, this is Kay turning Marc’s world upside down.

The Wayward Son - An AU story based on Freier Fall characters.

Marc has just joined the famous Berlin LKA, his police career is looking up. All he needs now is to meet the right woman, get married, have 2.3 children and a house of their own. The night he meets Bettina, he thinks he has hit the jackpot, she’s perfect. But Bettina isn’t the only one Marc meets that night. There is also this mysterious stranger named Kay Engel who says weird things to Marc and two hours later, he’s working with Marc and his colleagues on a big kidnapping case. Marc befriends Kay over the course of the investigation, soon he finds out the life he planned for himself might not be what his heart really wants…

Canon-Divergence multi-chapter FF fics:

Say Something - This is a canon-divergence fic that starts from and diverts from the original film after the scene when Marc hits Kay. With additional characters.  It is still a “fix-it” story. I’m just trying to explore some “what if” scenarios where the trajectory of the story changes, Kay and Marc make different decisions etc.

Day Zero - This is a canon-divergence story with the assumption that Bettina hasn’t found out about the fake night shifts - so Marc’s affair with Kay remains a secret, even though he has broken up with Kay.  The story starts from Marc returning home after giving the key back to Kay.

Nightswimmers - This is a canon-divergence story. It follows the original film version right up to the forest scene where Marc flees after his first sexual encounter with Kay.

What if Kay never got transferred to Marc’s unit? In this story, they meet five years later in another city. Marc is still with Bettina and their son is five years old. Kay has left the police force and now working as a paramedic.  Marc never forgets Kay and what happened between them has stirred up something in him, although he is still repressing his feelings, he finds ways to cope with it. But seeing Kay again changes everything again.

Once upon a time, chasing after Marc was Kay’s number one goal. But a shattering experience one night has changed his life forever. He thought the chance is lost before it can begin. But seeing Marc again… could this be his second chance?

Canon-Divergence one-shot FF fics:

Someplace New - A one-shot canon divergence. Part of the writing challenge on scenario: Marc returns to Kay’s apartment and Kay is still there.  This is written in both Frank and Marc’s POV

The Key on the Ledge - This is a one-shot Canon-Divergence. Marc goes back to Kay's apartment  as Kay is just leaving.  

Extended scene/missing scene one-shot FF fics:

Ambush - Extended scene and my take on the “Don’t you get it? I love you” scene from the original film.

The Day He Gave Me His Key - Just my musings on the scene when Kay gave the key to Marc. Marc’s POV

A One-off / Ein Ausrutscher - Mostly canon but with added missing scenes. It is the period soon after Marc’s son was born but before Kay got caught  during a police raid.

The Offer - My take on the scenes when Kay offers to go *jogging* with Marc and their encounter in the woods, with additional made up scenes.

*Updated summary of my marc x kay fanfics ❤️

[grifff17]

Audiodrama Sunday 04/28/24

So much stuff this week! I think this is going to be my longest writeup yet!

@camlannpod what the fuck? Trying to avoid spoilers, but the ending of that episode was wild. The sound design for the last scene was so good. Also “You're good with an axe, right?” was brutal, I audibly said "oof". Only 1 more episode in the season, hopefully they get funding for a second one.

The first episode of @wanderersjournalpod came out this week. This was a promising start to a new show, I'm excited to see where it goes from here. The setting feels very mystical, I can't wait to learn more about the world.

@worldsbeyondpod was so tense. Suvi and Ame had the most awkward conversation in existence. This story has so much nuance, neither of them are clearly in the right, though I feel inclined to take Ame's side due to the "Geas + Alter Memory" double espionage scheme. Meanwhile Ursulon discovers that Orima of the Reaching Green is a short queen and gets a cool horse.

I'm now up to date with @lostterminal. Season 15 was great. I love Nia, and Daphne and Raffi were really interesting new characters. Also, the dragon was terrifying. This show doesn't usually have very much action, so the confrontation with it really stood out. The description of the automatic turret going "click, click" as it locked on to Maddie was so intimidating.

@worldgonewrongpod I loved this episode. The storytelling felt so natural and real, like someone telling me a story about a weird road trip they went on. I think I said this about the last episode too, but this was my favorite episode yet. It also sets up the backstory which was never really explained as to why Jamie and Malik are separated at all.

In @midstpodcast we finally had a nicer episode. No horrible fucked up Weep/Trust stuff happening, just Lark reunited with Zeila and Sherman. However, there's so much tension between these characters. I was surprised that Lark forgave Sherman for selling her out. Something to remember is that Lark and Sherman had been hooking up before everything went to shit, which was mentioned once and I think really changes their relationship.

New @keepitsteadypod! This is the first new episode of this show since I started doing these. This was a really cute episode. For how popular fake dating is as a trope in fandom spaces, you don't see a lot of it in audiodramas.

Fun episode of Mission Rejected this week. It was cool to see Bowden go from "vain actor" to "badass spy" when the stakes ramped up. We don't get to see him take charge very often, it was neat for him to be a competent leader. I wonder if the gang lying to Zelda(who definitely saw through it) and Chet(who probably didn't) is foreshadowing for more of a conflict with the new Secretary of Defense later in the season. Also I loved the squabbling gay couple running an illegal mining operation as the villains of the week.

@breakerwhiskey episode 200 wow. A letter from Harry! We learned that Harry has been listening to most of Whiskey's broadcasts, which recontextualizes a lot of the previous episodes. Also, the end was heartbreaking.

I started season 2 of @longcatmedia's Mockery Manor! I'm 2 episodes in and really like it so far. JJ and Bettie are employed in different parks, JJ is on the run from an organized crime ring, and Bettie became a monk? Also, it's clear that neither Hilda nor Jenkins stole the shipment, neither of them have motive. But I don't know who else would have motive either. Lots of mysteries this season.

Spout Lore had a great planning episode. I'm excited for the "saving Highspear" arc, the Highspear is so cool as a concept. A reverse Tower of Babel, that lets the whole world talk with each other. A literal monument to wizard hubris, which feels destined to fall. However I doubt it will, because, as the players mentioned, it would be really annoying from a storytelling perspective if everyone suddenly spoke different languages. This has actually made me realize I really want a story set shortly after some sort of "fall of the Tower of Babel", where communication is a struggle, but that's just because I think linguistics is cool. Anyways, the buffet talk had me rolling.

What a great week! However, it did not help my queue, which continues to grow instead of get smaller. I'll reach the end of it one day.

[xxsycamore]

One Hot Love

╰┈➤ 📸 Because we're not ready to let go of summer just yet.

Fenrir Godspeed x Main Character + Fenrir/Alice/Ray/Sirius/Luka/Seth • rating: E (MDNI) • tags: Polyamory; they're all dating; but focus is on fen/alice; Beach Sex; Road Trips; modern elements; i gave them cars and car radios basically; Skinny Dipping; Water Sex; Vaginal Sex; getting caught; Outdoor Sex; Banter; Black Army polycule • wordcount: 1,780 • masterlist

a/n: That was me paying homage to the passing summer WHAT HAPPENED, WHY COUDN'T I POST THIS ANY SOONER? Anyway, One Hot Love by Makoto Matsushita was THE summer song for me this year, and at one point it aligned with my ikerev nostalgia so here we are... always wanted to write a black army polycule <3

"Man, that song is stuck in my head now. Putting the only CD we could find on repeat was no doubt better than going the whole drive without any music on, but…"

"What are you talking about, you could have listened to Seth's melodic voice instead~!" Alice gawks, a hand over her heart in a display of affection that seems to be aimed at riling Fenrir up. Though, knowing how the 10 of Spades has her head over heels for him, Fenrir won't be surprised if that's her genuine reaction to listening to the man's monologues for four hours straight. And despite that they all love Seth, Fenrir is sure that in this aspect Alice is alone.

They came here with the rest of the officers and the King to check out what was reported to be a group of disciples from the Magic Tower disrupting the peace around the coast. Ray insisted on checking it out personally and the others kind of tagged along and from there it turned into a (work) road trip.

"Uhuh. Either way, boss looked like he's seconds away from taking the gun from my holster and aiming it at the car radio."

"He wasn't even the one driving, though… Was he too sleepy or something? We did get here only after it got dark yesterday but I thought it wasn't past his bedtime…"

"Pfft, sounds like him! But no. I know what got him so worked up but I won't tell ya~"

"Feeeeen! C'mon!"

Stopping in her tracks for a second, Alice lets out a deep sigh when the Ace just keeps taking long strides across the sandy path, refusing to satiate her curiosity. Letting out a loud "Hmph!" that falls on deaf ears due to the sea breeze surrounding them, Alice dashes forward to join Fenrir's side again, and keeps the pace until he's the one walking behind her instead.

A harsh and sudden gust of wind blows by, and Alice all but feels her uniform skirt flying upwards.

"Eeek!"

"Ohh, so you're wearing the pink ones! Nice!"

Putting her hands protectively on her rear as if they aren't the only two people on this beach to begin with, and as if Fenrir didn't just see everything there is to see, Alice throws him the best mean look she can muster before slowing her step so they're side by side again.

"Sorry for teasing ya. I promise I won't cheat if you want to play guess the panty color with the others tonight."

"It's really not about that!!" The focus of Alice's bewilderment quickly shifts from his ridiculous logic to the way he stops her right there and then for a kiss, full on the lips and tasting like the minty ice cream they shared awhile ago. She finds herself savoring his sweet lips, feeling the sun's warmth engulf them fully now that they stopped in their tracks.

"Ya know, I could really go for a swim right now."

Seems like he's not the only one feeling hot now.

"Just like that? Isn't the water cold…"

"One way to find out." Fenrir grins boyishly, the same smile she once fell for, and then kept falling for every day since then. Before she can even blink, Fenrir is already pulling his hoodie over his head and walking in the direction of the shore. Following the rush of wildness, Alice is no different as she gives into the moment, stripping down to her underwear. At least she diligently folds her clothes before putting them down on top of one of the nearby rocks, even if it means Fenrir would beat her at getting to the water first.

"Woohoo! Alice, come here! The water is perfect!"

Losing no more time to join Fenrir, Alice gives up on her cautious approach and lets the waves splash against her as she runs towards them, even when they make her squeal.

"Liar! It certainly is at least a little bit cold…"

"I gotcha."

Before she can complain more, Fenrir enfolds Alice in his toned arms from behind, acting like a big blanket.

"Fen… you're not wearing any underwear…"

"Yeah? Are you?"

Alice shivers as he runs one hand down to check, but the touch is more than welcomed, to her own surprise. She turns around in his arms and places hers around his neck, looking at his deep magenta eyes.

"Remember what you promised me a few months ago? About the next time we go to the beach together?"

"That I'm gonna finally have my way with you in the water like I always fantasized about? Why are you smirking at me like that now?"

Being called out on it, Alice's grin only transforms into a series of chuckles that she tries to hide against Fenrir's broad chest, hoping that he'd get the idea already.

"Alice, mind if I check once more if ya still wearing those pink panties? Just to make sure."

"F-Fen-!"

Receiving her affirmation in the form of her arms tightening their hold around his shoulders, Fenrir's calloused fingers find their way down the curve of her ass and between her legs. They slip under the thin material, crawling inside to find her dripping sex.

"Haah-"

"Still making sure, hold on."

His touch ghosts over her folds, his other hand joining on her front to stroke her clit inside her panties.

"What were ya asking about my promise to you?"

"Do you…think us coming here today counts? Ahh-"

Rubbing on her aroused nub with no remorse as if determined to make her explode on his fingers in mere seconds, Fenrir uses the proximity to the fullest as he nibs Alice's earlobe playfully.

"Do ya want it to count, Alice?"

It's a silly question, with how far they've already gotten. When they're together, it's always hard to say who started things first. The firm erection pressing flush against Alice's belly tells her they're not leaving the water without one last unforgettable summer memory.

"Make it count. I want you so bad."

"Hah! You finally said it." Fenrir chuckles, leaving a trail of wet kisses across her nape all the way to her lips, capturing them with his.

It serves as a distraction as he picks her up, making her instinctively wrap her legs around his torso.

"Hold on tight, Alice. I'm not stopping 'till you're seeing stars."

Running her fingers through the unruly locks at the base of his neck, Alice groans as she feels him guide the tip in, letting gravity do the rest as she sinks down on his girthy length with delight.

"Gods- Why haven't we done this before-"

"That's what I was asking! Ahhh- Fuck, Alice. I want you everywhere, all the time, what are you doing to me?"

Alice's hearty laughter is interrupted by the erratic moans ripped out of her throat by Fenrir's deep thrusts, and she knows perfectly how he feels.

"You can have all of me, Fen! I want you so bad! Ahhh-"

Moving her body up and down on his length at a rapid pace, Fenrir kisses every part of Alice he can put his lips on, her sun-kissed shoulders, her arms sprinkled with small seawater drops that are salty on his tongue, her nape with the sweet strawberry scent of her shampoo mixing with the sea breeze.

Alice sinks her nails into his shoulder blades, knowing how much he loves it when she does that, and lets herself go; the orgasm rushes through her body like a lightning strike, pleasure spreading hotly from deep inside her and making her whole body glow in ecstasy. She opens her eyes while throwing her head back, and takes in the endless blue sky above.

Fenrir keeps thrusting into her, making water splash around them as he whispers how close he is, how good she feels around him - and then he brings her down on him hard one last time, keeping her flush to him before filling her with his warmth.

With the cease of movement, they can finally enjoy the kisses they can't hold back from giving each other, the rustling of the sea drowning the little moans of afterglow that escape their thirsty lips. Suddenly feeling giddy again, Fenrir holds her up a little more and makes a little spin in the water, enjoying the girly squeal she lets out. It's only when she is turned to face the shore that she notices.

"Oh my god, that's Sirius and the guys!!"

"Huh?" Fenrir looks over his shoulder and indeed, he can see the figures of one man with his arms crossed on his chest and another three standing not far behind him. "Should we wave at them?"

"Hell no! C'mon, let's go!"

***

"We already ate without you, by the way."

"What?! Noooo! I'm never going patrolling with Fenrir again!"

While Alice laments the loss of her lunch, Seth is already there to squeeze himself between her and Fenrir the very second Alice lets go of Fenrir's hand.

"But Alice!~ Your knight in shining armor is here to save you from the brute, and he even packed you leftovers! I'm not letting my Alice die from hunger like that. Oh my, your face is so hot! Why haven't you put sunscreen on?"

"There he goes again…" Fenrir frowns, resorting to joining Ray's side instead, the latter patting his shoulder sympathetically. Returning the gesture by bringing his arm around Ray's shoulders in turn, Fenrir notices the label sticking out of Rey's uniform shirt.

"Oh? What do we have here?"

Upon tucking it back for him, Fenrir sees something curious and pulls a little more on the fabric, leaving a confused Ray as the group stops in their tracks.

"Hey Boss, since when are your initials S.O.?"

Seth is the first to grin knowingly, chiming in. "And aren't your sleeves a little too long?"

Luka inspects the truth of those remarks, blinking in question. "A mishap with the laundry?"

Seth trades his dear Alice's presence for that of Luka's, just so he can lean down and whisper something in his ear, shielding it with his hand while looking directly at Ray.

"That's- Hey. You two better keep your mouths shut, or- And Fenrir, we haven't finished with you yet. We talked about this."

"What? Fucking on the clock? Like hell we're the only ones doing that. Besides,"

Fenrir arrives at Alice's side again, wrapping an arm around her waist for emphasis."…That's what summer's for. Having fun."

Alice blushes, attempting to make things better even if she's just as guilty.

"Fen, it's hardly summer anymore. But… I think you can blame our love for that.

"That's one hot love, then!"

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