#like his entire life is one massive coping mechanism...

[dvrast]

a thing about jesper is that he is constantly afraid. angry and frightened— that's what the fjerdan had called him. what had matthias and inej seen in jesper that he didn't understand ? / [ stop treating your pain like it's something you imagined. if you see the wound is real, then you can heal it. ] / you taught me to lie. [ to keep you safe. ] i had a gift. you should have let me use it. [ it's not a gift. it's a curse. it would have killed you the same way it killed your mother. ] i'm dying anyway, da. i'm just doing it slow. it's a genetic disease, father to son. inheritance. power, from his mother. fear, from his father.

it was one thing to be born zowa in his father's house, a weight impossible to tip - toe around with the old farm floorboards creaking under every step, something reaching deep down in his chest to hold his breath from a young age. it was that easy, as breathing, as long as it kept the fear off his father's face ; even easier, whispering truths like pearly whites tucked inside unassuming seashells with his mother. she was brave, braver than the both of them, and she made it easy, until she couldn't. after her death, colm's fear deepened, widened, and it swallowed jesper whole.

the world was always too small for jesper, too big, for grisha of any kind, an open range with traps and snares littered every few feet like landmines. you're born as prey animals native to every continent, or trained into predators in ravka. there isn't a single hill or meadow that's safe, not really. this is a part of why he leaves for ketterdam in the first place, no matter how afraid he is to leave his da, alone in a haunted house. but he can't stay there, not when it feels like the same thing that killed his ma is lurking under the floor, hiding in the rafters, breathing down his neck. but it wasn't the house. it was a part of him, some heavy, extra organ, and he takes it with him wherever he goes. it begins to feel like some kind of birth defect, something somewhere just a millimeter out of line, killing him slowly with every too - fast beat of his rabbit heart. sleeping, waking, this inescapable, primal paranoia. it'll kill him, just for being born.

jesper has what we would call generalized anxiety disorder on top of his attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and it's at its worst once he realizes this feeling isn't something he can leave back home in his father's house. one could go mad with it, not a single place in which you can feel yourself, safe, whole, and he feels a little mad, at first, digesting this revelation ; this is his life, a blessed death. this is what it means to be zowa, his mother's son, his father's prodigal, home or far from it, everywhere, anywhere in the world. he can't ever catch his breath in ketterdam, since before even that, light and heavy all at once, a freedom you can only feel from falling. he feels like a dead man walking the streets, less to lose than even that, and it's easy, easy as breathing, to lay down what little money fit in his pockets with or without the promise of it earning any of it back. ketterdam is alive, though, and he learns quickly how fear is in the very air, but with it, an immunity in its people. something fearless in the water. it was almost inevitable, then, that the most fearless creature in the barrel is who jesper finds himself drawn to even more than the promise of a light burning brightest before it goes out, like a moth to flame. kaz brekker makes him feel like he could be brave for the first time since his mother. like he could survive.

fear is a lot easier to face if you don't ever look away in the first place. if you never come down from the high, there's never any crash - landing, and life with the dregs is a rollercoaster of ups and downs to simulate a freefall that's in his actions instead of his bones. joining the dregs, joining kaz, it gives a name to the grip in his chest— a false one, but a name all the same. he can't be afraid of living if he's dodging death left and right. this fear he has is for a bullet in his head, a knife in his back, dime lions or black tips or stadwatch or debt collectors instead of slavers or drüskelle or ravka or poisoned little girls in need of saving or his father's scared, scared eyes— ketterdam is where taking a deep breath could get you killed anyway, and it's the first place he feels he can live in. the first place he feels he could survive, because living in ketterdam demands it.

[rowarn]

okay i'm back to expand on toxic situationship simon vs smitten golden retriever könig fighting for ur attention!!!

when simon first met you, he had no intention of interacting with you let alone "dating" you. but it just kind of....happened. you had a way of worming your way into his thoughts and his life.

the problem was that he was not build for a relationship. he had problems. a lot of them. he wasn't the type to work on himself, he was the type to find distractions to cope with the mess that was in his head at all times.

the closer you tried to get to him, the further he pulled away. but then when you backed off, he remembered he needed you as a distraction. so he'd rein you back in only for the cycle to continue.

he ignored how much it hurt you, how sometimes your eyes would swim with tears when he gave you the cold shoulder and told you to leave him alone. it wasn't like you understood what was going on — simon refused to open up and tell you that he was just...fucking messy in the head. instead, he just let you think he was some sleazy douchebag who used you for a quick fuck only to toss to the curb when you annoyed him.

part of him wondered (but didn't care bc it benefited him) why you kept coming back after how much he hurt your feelings. but when he wasn't being an intentional jackass to get you to leave him alone for a week or two, he was a great guy. a gentleman. he spoke to you with a soft but not condescending tone and was patient even when you asked stupid questions. when he had you as his distraction, he enjoyed your company and you enjoyed his — only for him to turn around and spew vitriol out of left field.

it was during one of the times he had chased you off that you met könig. on an elevator of all things. the entire mechanical box shuddered with his weight and you were downright shocked as the hulking mass of him ducked to step in.

when you asked what floor, he spoke with a quiet, almost nervous tone to tell you. as you rode the elevator down, you couldn't help but notice how he sort of shrunk in on himself as if he was trying to take up as little space as possible — as if that was even possible. he was massive. he avoided your gaze in a way that was shy instead of suspicious.

it was kind of...cute.

when you both got off the elevator, the lobby, you took a deep breath and stopped him, asking as confidently as you could if you could have his number. his eyes had widened but he surprisingly didn't say no — jackpot!

tho you couldn't see all of his face — the bottom half of it covered by a mask and his large hood concealing his hair, you felt a bit of an attraction to him.

as you walked out, hastily typing his number into your phone as you parted ways, you realized you may have a thing for masked man since this man — könig, he had said with an accent, and the ass that was simon both wore masks.

in between the time of The Simon Cycle, you went on a couple dates with könig. he was charming and sweet, if not a little shy. he was clumsy and almost always bumped his head on doorways before shamefully rubbing the spot he bumped with a look of embarrassment in his eyes.

he was excitable and energetic. he loved animals and always pointed out whatever animals he saw while walking with you — people walking dogs, cats in windows, ducks floating on ponds.

the more time you spent with him, the more you forgot about simon.

until his name popped up on your phone one evening when you were spending an evening in with könig. it was nothing crazy, he wanted to watch his favorite horror movie with you (an ancient black and white).

könig caught sight of your frown as your phone rang, catching sight of the name 'simon' with a blank picture.

"who is this?" he had asked, tho it wasn't out of jealousy, just pure concern and interest.

you let out a sigh, "i dated him....sort of...? not really..." you had responded, earning a confused look from him.

you explained everything to him, from meeting simon all the through his on and off behavior. by the end könig looked upset on your behalf, shaking his head.

"if he cannot decide if he wants you, then he should leave you alone," he said softly, smiling under his mask with a crinkle of his eyes, "that way someone who knows that they want you can move in!"

that was one thing you liked about könig, he was actually open to communicate his thoughts and feelings with you. he told you were pretty, how he liked your laugh, how much he enjoyed your company and was excited to see you again when you both had time.

simon was closed off. he was quiet, mostly listening rather than talking. but he listened well. you remember mentioning that you broke your lamp and had bought a new one but couldn't figure out how to set it up. a week later, after a nice evening spent in bed together, you woke up to find him sitting on your living room floor putting together that lamp for you.

even though könig was...lovely. there was something about simon that was so intoxicating that you couldn't seem to let it go. but also the sex with simon was....spectacular. you never had a man so eager to make you cum until you were incoherent — never had a man who could.

and könig was....traditional. slow. he wanted to date for a long time before jumping into bed. he wanted to properly court you and go through a whole process. which you respected but...you were impatient. greedy.

it wasn't like könig was against you seeing simon. he had told you that you were free to do what you wished, but unless you made it official with the other man he was not going to back down from trying to court you.

so when simon called on you again a couple nights later, you answered.

he was glaring when he opened the door for you, motioning for you to enter before shutting and locking the door.

"why didn't you answer?" he grilled. clearly you ignoring his call when you were with könig annoyed him more than you thought.

you raised an eyebrow before slowly answering, "i was on a date, simon."

that seemed to make him freeze where he stood, eyes narrowing even more into a glare.

"a date?" he spat, "with who? you don't need to go on any dates, you're with me."

that made you roll your eyes so hard it nearly gave you a headache, "a nice guy named könig. simon, i'm not even sure you like me beyond wanting sex. i want a boyfriend." you huffed, "and clearly you don't want that!"

"oh yeah? then why are you here instead of with your boyfriend?" he hissed the last word in disgust.

"we're not official. he hasn't asked but we've been...seeing each other." you decided simply.

at that, simon jerked his mask over his mouth to kiss you in that heated way that made your legs tremble, "does he fuck you as good as i do? hm?"

that got your attention, a sly smile coming to your lips as he worked you out of your clothes.

he was jealous. this revelation was exhilarating to you. simon, the guy who acted like he couldn't care less about you, was actually jealous that you were seeing another guy!

the sex that night was as phenomenal as usual and more. he spent a good half of it with his head between your thighs, pinning you down with strength alone as he ate you to orgasm after orgasm until your cum was a sticky, stringy mess on his lips and chin.

then he worked you to two more orgasms on his cock, the last one he hadn't even needed to touch your clit before you were creaming around him with a sweet little squeal.

simon had a point to prove. you were his and he was not going to lose you to some asshole. deep down, he knew he didn't deserve you and that he should let the better man have you but he just couldn't. he needed you. he wanted you. he was selfish and greedy.

simon disappeared after that. but for once had actually communicated what was going on — deployment, he said. didn't know how long he would be gone. he had actually gave you a goodbye kiss that left you spinning.

the next time you saw simon, you were on a date with könig. it was a quaint little bar that könig said he liked. so there you were, sitting across from him at a booth, nursing a drink and softly talking with one another.

you didn't even know simon was back. he hadn't said anything. when he walked into the bar, his eyes scanned the place like they always did before landing on you.

his gaze lit up as he took a step towards you but quickly halted when he saw you were sitting across from another man. but that didn't stop him for long.

you cursed under your breath, catching könig's attention before simon was right there at the end of the table, glaring at könig.

"can we help you...?" könig asked softly, clearly a little nervous.

"hi...simon..." you sighed softly. könig straightened up in his seat at that.

"official yet?" he asked you, ignoring your greeting.

you gritted your teeth, casting a glance towards könig who looked confused.

"no." you answered simply.

with that simon, yanked a chair from a nearby table and sat right at the end of your table. you concealed a groan of despair.

simons glare fixed upon könig, a challenge clear in his stare alone. he reached forward and grabbed your drink from your hand despite your protest, lifting his mask enough to take a sip, the cocky smirk visible briefly on his lips.

könig quickly understood what was going on and his own eyes narrowed into a glare. you could practically see the sparks going off between them and buried your face in your hands.

it was going to be....a painfully long night, you feared.

[eyesteeth]

my thoughts and theories on fionna and cake

so from the trailer alone i’m pretty sure this is going to be very Simon-centric. as established in the main series, Fionna and Cake is genderbend fanfiction written by Ice King. however, it seems likely that the Fionna and Cake focused on in this series will not be the one within Simon’s mind - not fully, anyway.

i initially believed that the Fionna and Cake we see in this series would be entirely figments of Simon's imagination - fanfiction used as a coping mechanism. Fionna's world is realistic and bland and mundane because Simon's "lost the magic in his life", and Fionna's world gaining magic would be a sign of changes in his mental state.

i no longer believe this because i took too many screenshots of the trailer. however, i do think that the Fionna and Cake of Simon's mind will be relevant, and Fionna's world mirroring Simon's is an intentional comparison.

my take is this - Fionna and Cake is going to have an overarching a-plot of Fionna figuring out what's gone wrong with her world and defeating the threat, and a b-plot of Simon facing his mortality and his trauma and coming to terms with both.

that's my tl;dr. long post below.

Simon’s a character with a lot of depth to him, but none of the Distant Lands specials focused on him, so it’s his turn to hold the Trauma Ball. we know that he isn’t immortal anymore with the crown gone. he’s visibly aged in the trailer, growing some white hair, and is wrinklier.

(Tom Kenny also said in an interview that this is the most emotional thing he’s worked on, and Tom Kenny’s been in fucking everything, so you know it’s gonna be big. i cannot for the life of me find the source for this so you're gonna have to trust me on this one.)

aging is clearly gonna fuck Simon up for multiple reasons - beyond the normal stuff, aging means he's going to look like Ice King, making himself a visual reminder of the worst time of his life. he also spent a very long time as an immortal, and adjusting to the idea of death after centuries of being the same age is probably gonna fuck with him.

he’ll also be dwelling on his past - there’s shots in the trailer of him and Marcy together right after the Mushroom War, likely filling in some gaps from that time. we already got a whole episode dedicated to their time together in the main series, so there's no need to tread that ground again - this will likely show new moments with them or recontextualize things with the state Simon's in now.

(there's also a shot of both of their feet but i couldn't fit both sets of shoes on one frame)

then there’s a shot of what’s very obviously a musical number from the in-between state of Simon and Ice King. this could be the first time he puts on the crown (or an early time), resulting a darkly upbeat moment of juxtaposition, or it could be an equally dark current-day moment along the lines of “wasn’t it so nice when you had the crown on and you didn’t have to think about anything? when you were immortal and too out of it to realize how bad of a spot you were in?”

or it could be a secret third thing. keep this image in mind, it'll be relevant later.

as for some miscellaneous screenshots, takes these two:

Simon's coat is missing in the first but he still has it in the second, so either he goes on two separate adventures in Ooo, or the first image takes place after the second. i stand by this being Ooo in the first image because of the trees in the background. as for the second image, that's Finn in the top right, and the treehouse on the left. because of how old Finn looks in the big promo image, i assume this takes place between Obsidian and Together Forever - Jake is dead but Finn is not. Finn and Simon might have a talk about death and dying if the mortality thing gets brought up, or Finn might just be here to help Simon get where he needs to go.

to where they are going, one can only speculate. it might be Prismo's cube, but i'm a little iffy on that. the cube is massively relevant by the way and is likely how Fionna and Cake end up crossing paths with Simon.

because Prismo's whole deal is alternate universes (gestures at Farmworld Finn) i believe that this is how Fionna and Cake come to Ooo. Prismo's cube is even in the logo for this show, it's that important.

(Simon is no stranger to Prismo, we got the above moment in the Adventure Time finale, so him traveling to Prismo with Finn's help is a possibility.)

anyway, time for the people the show is actually named about!

for their side of the plotline, the description of the trailer is quite enlightening:

"Based on characters from the beloved “Adventure Time” franchise, this brand-new 10-episode series set in the land of Ooo follows the alternate universe versions of Finn & Jake on a multiverse-hopping journey towards self-discovery. When Fionna and her sidekick Cake find themselves in the crosshairs of a powerful new foe, they have no choice but to seek the help of former Ice King Simon Petrikov." (emphasis mine)

notably, they are referred to explicitly as alternate universe versions, so they are indeed their own people. i also find it curious that Fionna's life is somehow mundane enough to lack magic, yet wacky enough to have a "powerful new foe". unless that something is actively sucking the magic out of their universe, this particular foe is a mystery to me.

however, because multiverse hopping is mentioned, i believe that the big foe is gonna have ~some weirdness~ about it, possibly attacking universe after universe for its intended goal ala [insert your preferred bagel-based multiverse movie here]. i'd also like to present the following screencaps to the court:

the use of line color, color choice, and shading in between the two on the left and the two on the right are like night and day. so, given the multiverse theme, i propose that these are two different Fionnas - the Fionna and Cake as presented by Simon on the left, and the real magicless Fionna from her universe on the right. alternatively, the one on the left could be Fionna after she comes to Ooo, and she just gets a costume change.

(also, the musical number shot has coloring similar to the set on the right, potentially indicating that scene takes place in the same location/episode/universe/etc as those shots. this is the third secret thing.)

(also also, this is probably way too off the wall to be true, but the ones on the right look incredibly similar to Bee and Puppycat in terms of color, and given that Natasha Allegri is responsible for both Bee and Puppycat and the creation of Fionna, this series could get into ideas of creation, using Simon's Fionna vs the real Fionna as an allegory somehow. i will be shocked if this happens, i think it's just visual flair tbh, i just wanted to get this thought out of my brain)

if this wasn't a spotty post before here's where it gets Real Spotty:

i believe this is Fionna in Ooo, she's in a bunny hat and she's with a kid in Finn's clothes. i believe this is Ooo because of the fire people at the bottom. Fionna is also still wearing the outfit she had on in the bus in the beginning of the trailer, leading me to believe that she gets to Ooo after that set of scenes.

i further believe this is Ooo, because we see the same kid in this shot. that's Simon's leg on the right, muddied up, so this could be after his adventure with Finn. on the left is the Fionna and Cake script in the bin, this being the Fionna and Cake Simon came up with. my guess is that this kid is a fan of the Fionna and Cake Simon came up with and this outfit is a cosplay. maybe he published his fanfiction. good for him.

as for the city behind the closing door...

... maybe it could be this? i'm not sure if this city is on Ooo, frankly. the trees are different. maybe Fionna, Simon, and this kid all went to an alt universe together by accident? and that's why the kid looks so distraught in the shot with the bin?

for my last image-based comment, simon's sleeve has been torn off here (bottom of his-right-our-left arm) so it's possible that whatever muddied his pants in the bin shot also got his coat messed up, possibly his adventure with Finn.

to recap this meandering post

here's an extremely weak guess of plot points from the previously proposed concepts

Fionna lives a normal, bland life, realizes something is wrong, and ends up in Ooo over the course of a day. within this day, she does her job on the bus, sees something's up with Cake, experiences some dimension weirdness, chases Cake at some point, her and Cake end up falling, and then it's Ooo time.

in Ooo, she meets a kid that's a fan of Fionna and Cake - from the stories Simon wrote and published.

Fionna decides she needs Simon's help, possibly because he's apparently written books about her, so they go to get him

meanwhile, Simon's had a bad mental health day and is spiraling.

he ends up in the woods with Finn for some reason, possibly to death talk, and they have an adventure that takes the length of the day. by the end of it, Simon's clothes are torn up and he just wants to go home.

he goes home and sits down for like A Minute before Fionna and the kid show up at his place.

(there is no evidence for this but i feel like seeing the character you made up in your genderbend fanfic irl would be freaky so Simon's like "wow i've fucking lost it i'm hallucinating my oc")

situation gets explained to a very non-receptive Simon

the three/four of them head off onto a multiversal quest with widely varying levels of enthusiasm

over the course of the quest shenanigans ensue and Simon has many moments of contemplation on his past and future

Fionna gets the situation with her home universe figured out

You Will Cry Your Eyes Out

the end

that's all i got. feel free to go crazy in the notes.

[whatwewrotepodcast]

WIP Introduction

Okay! Probably about time to actually introduce some of our writing projects, right?

Pride and Prejudice in Space (Working title)

What?

PPiS is a just-for-fun queer enemies to lovers scifi story. This thing is massive and goes on for ages. It's got no novel structure and is basically what would happen if you turned the Bold and the Beautiful into a written text and also it was gay and in space. I will be posting chapters from PPiS on the blog, so keep your eye out for them!

PPiS follows the adventures of the crew of the space freighter Idalia, as they attempt to run a shipping business while being hunted across the galaxy by the corrupt Andromeda Alliance. It's silly, it's messy and it's super queer. Don't come to PPiS for structure and a clear narrative arc - it's more a long running monster of the week style!

Chapter 1 - Theo

Chapter 1 - Onyx

Chapter 2 - Theo

Chapter 2 - Onyx

Chapter 3 - Theo

Chapter 3 - Onyx

Chapter 4 - Theo

Who?

The Main Cast

Theodotus Wolfe

Theo is an ex-Alliance pilot who was quietly discharged from service for seeing something he shouldn't have. Having grown up in poverty and disadvantage on the poor, over populated planet of Therus, Theo has a keen sense of justice and a dry, understated sense of humour. He lacks charisma, but is intelligent and brave, even if he comes across as a bit overly stoic and stiff. He's tall, at 6'3, and of distant Greek descent, with olive skin and dark, curly hair. After leaving the Alliance, Theo bought the Idalia with the intention of a quiet retirement running supplies across the galaxy. It . . doesn't really turn out that way.

Onyx Calladan (Rathbone)

Onyx was born into the extreme privilege of being the daughter and heir of one of the most powerful men in the galaxy - the CEO of Calladan Industries, a technology and weapons manufacturer who sold their technology almost exclusively to the Alliance. The Calladans are richer than god, but Onyx, who identifies as non-binary and only ever wanted to be a mechanic, never fit in. They fled their wealthy home and set up a quiet starship mechanic business on a distant station, where things were going great until a certain Alliance captain ruined their entire reputation. Onyx is wickedly intelligent, fiercely loyal, and a bit of a jerk sometimes, but they are also plagued by intense anxiety and PTSD from their upbringing. They're average height, a little stocky, with tanned skin. They wear their hair short, with shaved sides, and dye it a vivid shade of indigo.

Pantheras Wolfe

Pan is Theo's little brother. Having grown up amongst the abuse and and poverty of Therus as well, Pan had a difficult childhood and a harder adolescence after Theo joined the Alliance and he was left largely to his own devices. Pan covers his uncertainty and fearfulness with bravado and charm. He's sweet, kind, generous and friendly, outgoing and charming in a way his brother can never be, but he's also fragile and easily rattled. He relies on his brother and doesn't cope well without him. Pan is tall like his brother, but with none of his musculature, giving him a stringbean appearance. He wears his hair longer, showing his natural ringlets.

Ellis Grey

Ellis is an orphan who was found in a garbage bin in the slums of Ceres. When the orphanage was closed by the Alliance, Ellis was turned out onto the street due to being deaf in one ear, making him unfit for military service. He survived through a combination of resourcefulness, savagery and sex work, and eventually turned to a life of crime, through which he learnt to be an excellent hacker and pilot. As an adult, Ellis took to piracy, conning freighters out of their cargo to sell on the black market. Ellis, belying his upbringing, is camp, exuberant, eloquent and urbane. He has dark skin, black kinky hair, and a wide, winning smile. He dresses extravagantly, and loves bold colours.

The Second Coming Trilogy (Revelation, Anarchy, and The Second Coming)

What?

The Second Coming Trilogy is a modern fantasy set in Brooklyn, New York. Loosely based on the poem of the same name by W.B Yeats, it tells the story of a human girl and her two Fallen Angel allies as they attempt to prevent the second coming - the rising of the son of the devil to take his place on earth. Originally this was a YA story, but subsequent re-writes have landed on a more adult tone. We've been working on this story for well over 10 years, with many iterations. Once it was one book! But it got way too long and had to be split into three. We're currently doing edits and re-writes on book 2, Anarchy, and are querying publishers with book 1, Revelation.

Who?

The Main Cast

Merry: Merry is a human girl who was born with the Sight. This ability allows her to see through glamours and lies, but also often gets her into trouble. She's spent most of her life trying to ignore it and the things she sees, but one night she sees something she shouldn't have, and becomes embroiled in the hidden world of angels and demons. Merry is caucasian, dark brown hair and dark eyes, and has a slight, athletic build (she was a gymnast in her younger years). She's head strong, stubborn, and doesn't take kindly to being told what to do.

Ith: Ithuriel is a recently fallen arc angel. Once the Angel of Truth, Ithuriel fell prey to the sin of wrath and was thrown down from Heaven, his wings torn from his back and his divinity stripped away. Having been on earth for a mere few months, Ithuriel is still filled with his righteous desire to root out and punish evil wherever he finds it. He has been hunting the faction of Demons that Merry falls afoul of, and takes her under his wing to protect her. Ithuriel is 6'3, with a broad, strong build. He has fair skin and wavy golden hair, his features sculpted and harsh, and he has bright golden eyes, though he routinely glamours himself to look more human and less otherworldly.

Belial: Belial is also a Fallen, but he fell during the first great battle between the followers of Lucifer and those who remained true to Heaven. As such, Belial is a Prince of Hell, though he long since abandoned the regions of Hell to live on earth, where he has been for thousands of years. Belial walks a careful line between self preservation and his fondness for humanity, but his outlook on the world is grim and pessimistic. He's got tanned skin covered in a thousand years of scars, with deep maroon hair and eyes, and sculpted features just like Ithuriel's, though he is a little broader and stronger. Belial's glamours are particularly strong and there are few on earth who knows what he really looks like.

The Antagonists

Moloch: Moloch is a Duke of Hell and a Demon. Long corrupted by the evil in his heart, his physical being has become corrupted in the same way. One of the first lieutenants of the coming apocalypse, Moloch also runs a series of clubs throughout Brooklyn that cater to hardcore human clubbers amongst the demons who patronise them. To humans, Moloch is a thin, slight, suave middle aged white man with slicked back black hair and a pinstriped suit. To those who can See, he appears as a rotting skeleton, scraps of putrid flesh clinging to pitted bones.

Astoreth: Princess of Hell, Keeper of the Gate. Astoreth is the daughter of Lucifer, a creature of pure evil. She is the Princess of Hell, come to earth to pave the way for her brother. Astoreth is petty, proud, vain and cruel. Half snake, half woman, with long dark hair and skin that has an iridescent sheen, Astoreth is hunting Merry with all of her considerable resources, aware she could be the key to her plans.

Mammon: Son of Lucifer. Spoilers ;)

[iamthecomet]

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I just want you to know that my friend and I have been absolutely obsessed your fics and your Dew characterization. We keep reading them and then having literal book club level discussions about them and and honestly they have lead to our Dew brainrot getting out of control. Also I'm impressed the amount of range you have when writing. We read six of your fics independently before realizing all of them were by the same person. Like we would read one and then discuss and one of us would be like "well you should also read this other fic because the writing and characterization is so good" before being like "oh shit this is the same writer" so yea I just think you should know the massive effect you're having on our lives.

If it's not much, I'd like to know your thoughts on Dew's relationship with sex and how it pertains to his trauma. Although this fandom is primarily porn, Dew especially feels written to be super hypersexual compared to the other ghouls and it can manifest in interesting ways. Even if an author has not intended to write Dew as having an unhealthy relationship with sex, just the way that he is written in general by the entire fandom almost makes it seem like sex is the only thing he has to give (or at least that's what he thinks and that's how others act). So I've thinking lately about a Dew who becomes less enthusiastic about sex or even sex-repulsed and I'd just like to hear your insight on that.

Thank for you all the great work you put out into world. My friend and I enjoy it immensely.

HI!?!? Sorry I've been hoarding this ask since I got it last night because it made me INSANE?!!!?!? First things first this is so fucking SWEET!? YOU HAVE BOOK GROUP LEVEL DISCUSSIONS ABOUT MY PORN? I love you and your friend. THANK YOU. I cannot express how much this means to me. Highest levels of compliments right here. I'm so glad you read so much of my stuff independently and didn't realize it was me and still LOVED it. I am giving you and your friends SO MANY HUGS (if you want them). I'm really glad you love my Dew. He's SO special to me, and complicated and just, thank you for loving him too. AND now, onto the other part of this. Because I love to make Dew's life miserable (as you know). Some thoughts about Dew's relationship with sex, under the cut.

So, I sometimes think that post-elemental-transition Dew is really not into sex for a while. His whole body is new and different. He doesn't recognize himself in the mirror. His body doesn't WORK the same way anymore. Even jacking off isn't fun--it feels wrong. Like it's someone else's dick even though he feels it. He's not as wet. He's burning hot all the time. It's just not right. He's not right. And the idea of other people touching him? seeing him like this? he hates it. He wants nothing to do with it. Can't even stomach the thought of having sex with anyone else anymore. It isn't the same, never will be again. I also, sometimes think that Water Dew was less into sex than fire Dew. Not repulsed, just not enthusiastic about it. It was fun. It was a way to connect with his packmates. It meant something. Fire Dew? he's good at it, he's confident. People want him. And if he keeps them happy they'll keep wanting him. They won't leave. He'll never be alone again. I really think there's a little bit of all of that in even my version of Dew. The ebb and flow of his sexuality. From sex is a fun thing I do sometimes but it isn't everything )(or even very much of anything) to I cannot stomach the idea of having sex. I will never do it again. Thinking about it makes me want to shatter into a thousand pieces to, using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism for other insecurities he doesn't know how to talk about. And, I think, eventually, (after some hard conversations) to a version of him who just enjoys it. No insecurities. Does it when he wants--doesn't when it doesn't feel good. That he can lean into that ebb and flow of his own body and listen to it instead of constantly trying to fight against himself to be someone he thinks other people want. A hard-won version of himself that he, finally, actually likes.

[attonitos-gloria]

If the main tension in the last seasons of Game of Thrones was between Jaime and Dany, what would that look like? How would it have changed things?

friend, thank you for this ask. This is going to be very long heheh sorry in advance. writing Jaime's arc is the most satisfying part of IKTE for me so I'm very happy for this, thank you truly.

Jaime is a character traumatized by fire. Not the only one - but he is prominently traumatized by it, and indeed his entire reputation was built around the fact he has broken sacred vows because of a Targaryen king who used fire as a tool of intimidation and social controlling. More than any other character in the show, Jaime knows the political implications of fire as a weapon. And if the daughter of said king comes back from the ashes of House Targaryen to conquer Westeros and re-establish her father's dynasty... using fire-breathing monsters as her main weapon... do you get it 😭

(that scene of Jaime trying to get Drogon killed is so good - the way the camera focused on his face, on the fire and ashes and smoke and the people burning alive around him ! he was reliving the Throne Room he was a knight trying to kill the dragon he was trying to make it right and tyrion was THERE on the enemy's side but watching him ;-; they were so close of getting it right WHY NOT LEAN INTO THAT !! It was delicious!!)

You can argue that Jaime is barely aware of this, since, true to his Lannister name and blood and inheritance, he spends his life in denial about this trauma. I would agree with this statement, which is why I think putting Jaime between Dany and Cersei as political choices is more interesting than putting Jaime between Cersei and Brienne as love interests in the most bland way possible.

If Jaime is going to leave Cersei at some point, why not earlier, at the end of season 6 when Cersei pulled an Aerys against the Tyrells?? Their relationship already is, in a way, a coping mechanism against the institutional violence of knighthood; he is the knight and she is the queen, everything is justified because of that. Their idealized versions of each other only exist in their heads anyway. Imagine if the Sept of Baelor is the last straw in a relationship that has been in crumbles for a while now. All their children dead and Cersei the very embodiment of Aerys. (Forget the pregnancy plot. It was stupid.)

And then there are so many possibilities from then on when Daenerys arrives in Westeros. The show sets her up to be rejected. I can follow that. I truly cannot conceive, in show canon, a happy ending for Dany - and by happy ending I mean everyone loving her and welcoming her as their Queen. I think her dragons are an ethical problem that needs to be addressed; the show and books themselves already pointed in that direction. The Dance of the Dragons is a cautionary tale about this, the entire story of House Targaryen is about this. I do love Dany and I believe she is a good person at heart, but also. Consider. She has the canon equivalent of nuclear weapons. The dragons are useful to kill the true enemy (the Others) and you can argue that there is an ethical justification to use them to end slavery, but then what. Then what comes next. When the enemy is defeated and this woman is the only person in the world with weapons of massive destruction. What do you do with the weapons after the War is over - I cannot be the only person who thinks this is an issue like 😭 Jaime has reasons to be wary more than anyone - yes, even more than Sansa; Sansa has reasons to be concerned and to worry about the North, but Daenerys was coming with aid in the War, and I don't see any reason why Sansa didn't even >>try<< to be mildly diplomatic, except that the writers wanted the conflict to rise. I don't know; I'm grumpy about this, and it is very hard to make sense of Sansa's actions in season 8 for me, but I will stop myself right here because this isn't about her. This is about Jaime !!!

I feel like a lot of what we call Jaime's redemption relies on his romantic feelings for Brienne; even in the show, he leaves Cersei and goes North to fight for the living because it is the ~right thing to do~, but the subtext kind of says that he went for Brienne. And it's not that I don't ship them: I do! But falling in love with Brienne is not a redemption arc, doing things because Brienne would approve is not a redemption arc. It has been said before, by people smarter than me, but Jaime is not in a redemption story; he is in an identity crisis story. I feel like the show tried to give him an redemption arc only to pull the rug at the end going like "nope, sorry, people don't change" - and since said redemption relied completely on his romantic feelings for Brienne, it wasn't enough to knight her; he had to sleep with her. Since the point being made was that people don't change, that meant necessarily ending his affair with Brienne and cruelly breaking her heart so she would let him go back to Cersei. Because what else is there to say about Jaime Lannister other than which woman he chooses to fuck by the end of the story?

Do you get what I'm saying? Like, I know he is pretty. But the choice of framing Jaime's story as primarily a love story between two women, the good one and the bad one, is wild to me. Really? That is the most relevant thing about this man?

Did he change? Did he find a solution to the problem of knighthood? That doesn't mean loving Brienne (he did say "I have never slept with a knight before" to her, after all. The man literally wanted to fuck knighthood! in every meaning, layer, and way! okay Jaime). That means *becoming* what Brienne already is - a person who is willing not only to kill, but in fact, to die defending the vulnerable and the innocent. And I felt like the show shaped this like "will Jaime choose Brienne or Cersei?" And everything else was secondary to that, when I think the romance could really stay in the background and the knighthood crisis should come into focus on main stage. And because Dany and Cersei are meant to be each other's foils, both in their similarities and differences, I do like the idea of Jaime being stuck between these two Queens who are, each in their own way, Aerys, who made him who he is (a Kingslayer).

SO. There are many ways this could go about:

Maybe Dany demands Jaime to kill Cersei in exchange for royal pardon; this man, after all, killed her father in an act of betrayal. She forgave him way too easily in the show. All that tension! For nothing!!!! Do we want a grim ending? No problem. Maybe he does kill Cersei and then kills himself (favorite book ending, for me). Maybe he can't handle being confronted with the reality that his life is built on an empty lie. Maybe he looks at Cersei and sees wildfire and madness and Aerys, and there is no escape, and he does not know how to live with himself with or without this woman. This has always been the cost of knighthood: blood. It has been this way since Arthur Dayne knighted him. And he cannot stand the idea of serving the daughter of Aerys for the rest of his life; he would literally rather die. Maybe love can't save the day this time.

Or: maybe Jaime vows to kill Cersei and publicly and officially bends the knee to Dany, only to break his vows again and betray her, killing Dany instead, before she can set King’s Landing on fire. Or even better: after. After he sees her as Aerys' extension. Maybe Jaime is in a time loop, doomed to repeat this, doomed to kill the dragon. Do we want grim endings for everyone? No problem: this time, he actually suffers the consequences of high treason - he is sent to the Wall, he takes the Black; or he is exiled. You can get away with killing your Monarch once, but not twice. For once, he is not rewarded for an act of brutal violence and betrayal. No cathartic death for him: he only needs to live with the consciousness that he saved the world twice, but he had to sacrifice his soul twice to do it. And no one sings his praise. He's still the Kingslayer.

Are we tired of grim endings? We don't want Jaime to be the Kingslayer? Also, no problem. Because the memory of the War that traumatized him, the trigger for it, is embodied alive in the person of Jon Snow. The boy Jaime's heroes and brothers-in-arms died trying to protect. Maybe Jaime is tired of being torn between two Mad Queens and he decides to give his life to put Jon, Rhaegar's son, on the Iron Throne. He is not the Kingslayer anymore. Fuck that. He is the Kingmaker. Kind of like Criston Cole, but cool and less catholic. He could even be Hand of the King to Jon.

Or maybe it bothers you, as it bothers me, the fact that Jaime actually pushed a child out of a window, and that event is treated like a small detail in his story once he gets North. It was not a thing Cersei commanded him to do. Cersei did not take his hand and forced it to do it. Jaime tried to kill a boy. He permanently damaged Bran's body. Any attempt at redemption that does not address this is flawed. Maybe the only way to redeem Jaime is to make him Bran's ally because Bran is one of Dany's strongest narrative foils, right there with Cersei and Tyrion: some characters have magical attributes, things they are able to do; some characters have magical things happening to them; but Bran and Dany *are* magical in themselves. They carry the power along with them. And, by the end of the show, Bran is KING. He is one of the most powerful creatures alive - he can travel in time AND control people's and animals' minds/bodies - and he apparently has been PLANNING the whole thing (why do you think I came all this way, etc) all along. Does that even make sense? What is it about Bran that allows him to be powerful and in charge by the end of the story, to the point of allowing the destruction of a city in order to get what he wants, while Dany has to be sacrificed and is deemed too power-hungry? Why is Dany's inability to have children a problem, and Bran's assumed inability to sire children presented as a solution? And more importantly- what does Bran WANT? (To hell with that ableist "Bran has no feelings or desires and can't be tempted" bullshit). And given all that: if Bran and Dany are foils and parallels, what if Bran gets things done with Jaime's help? (Not necessarily as heroes). Because he kind of owes Bran. He is the man who put Bran on that wheel-chair and changed the course of Bran's entire life. And Lannisters pay their debts, or so we are told. Maybe we could even try to actually say something relevant about magic as a weapon and the people in power wielding it.

I feel like you could still pull something out of the fact that 1) Jaime's alleged last chance of honor (Sansa) is already antagonizing Dany and 2) His little brother sided with Dany after killing their father, and he actually forgave and forgot about that too easily in the show too. There is a lot of implied drama and nuance because so many relationships in Jaime's life are bridges to Dany. I just wanted to see it explored to the last of its potential.

Anyway. I'm rambling at this point. but the gist of it is that if Dany needs an antagonist in Westeros, a character to embody her rejection, Jaime is a better candidate than Sansa, imo. This man needed to be used in a political plot as a relevant, game-changing player at the end of the show. Some of those ideas I don't even like lol all they have in common is that they force Jaime to own his bullshit and stand up to something and put his skin in the game instead of running between Brienne and Cersei through 8 seasons, and I say this as someone who appreciates both Jaime/Cersei and Jaime/Brienne from a shipping perspective.

[moonlit-positivity]

can you explain what's the difference between dissociating and daydreaming? Sometimes I daydream a lot and it's hard to stay grounded in reality but I never know if it's just madd or dissociation.

Hi anon. So first off I'm not a therapist here so I don't think I can give you a solid 100% definition, but I do know a little bit about both of these things as Ive struggled with maladaptive daydreaming most of my life.

First off, I think the concept that makes daydreaming maladaptive is the duration and intensity of the daydreams. If you're not able to stay grounded in reality like you've said, that tells me that you're probably spending a good majority of your time daydreaming-- like upwards of hours per day? For me I would daydream from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, non stop, and this lasted for about 4 years. The difference in maladaptive daydreaming vs normal daydreams, is that you can't stop daydreaming. Even when you're "awake" in real life, you're not really paying attention to anything else except the daydreams. I describe it as "autopilot", bc I was able to do things like pace around, make food, go do small errands, etc; but I was not really "aware" of any of it at all. I wasn't even really aware of how much time had passed at all either.

Another aspect of maladaptive daydreaming is the intensity of the daydreams. Normal daydreaming would be like 20-30 minutes and then you're able to stop and get back to reality. Maladaptive daydreaming is an entirely different experience where the daydreams are so visceral, so real, that you lose touch with reality altogether. Your reality is the daydream, from start to finish, and everything else just fades to the background.

And that ties into dissociation-- because from my understanding maladaptive daydreaming is a form of dissociation in itself because there's the elements of depersonalization and derealization happening. Depersonalization is the sensation of losing yourself to the void ("out of body experience") and derealization is the sensation of losing track of time ("unreality"). So all in all they're one in the same, it's just another form of extreme dissociation.

There can be other elements involved as well, like maladaptive daydreaming can be linked to an obsessive compulsive disorder just as much, if the elements of pacing and repeated dreams are consistent. There's a lot of different underlying elements to consider.

And I know you didn't mention it, but this is kinda the theme of my blog so by default I'm obligated to mention it-- these can be severe trauma responses to some hardcore trauma you might have experienced in your life. Not always, bc madd isn't limited to a trauma history-- but more often than not extreme depersonalization and derealization, as well as constant daydreaming, is a massive symptom of childhood trauma. It's a defense mechanism so you can survive the horros happening around you. So please just know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing to do these things in order to cope and survive with what you've been through. It's a very normal, precious part of who you are, and you deserve all the love, patience, care and respect in the world for being brave enough to ask and learn more! Im so proud of you for being able to share!

Also, again, I'm not a therapist and there's still a lot of research being done on maladaptive daydreaming. It's not even recognized in the DSM just yet. I have to always say this, bc it sucks, but there are still a lot of unknowns about dissociative disorders in the mental health field. Anyway, I hope this can help! 🌸❤️‍🩹🧸

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

[fdrsamericanflagduckfloaty]

- - - - - - - - -

i compiled angst abt TR + his sons because i. ... i got bored. and because it'll help me w/ writing angst when i have all of this in one spot.

im just posting it w/ a specific tag so i can find it when i need it kslkskd this post is also kinda long btw

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TR himself - batshit insane

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Okay so this mf has enough angst to fill. An entire. Like. Pool. But we'll start w/ the most known:

His wife & Mother dying on the same day just hours apart.

We all know how it goes but if you don't, his first wife, Alice Hathaway Lee, and his mother, Mittie Bulloch, died just hours apart on Valentine's Day, 1884.

And at the Funeral:

There's going to be... a lot more photos. The grieving is so intense I can't leave it out at all.

Doesn't this sound like an unhealthy coping mechanism? TR never really got the grip of coping healthily, but this isn't the earliest example, which I'll touch on soon.

It's beyond reasonable - and in fact correct - to assume he never entirely, fully got over Alice Lee. He never mentioned her again. Not on record, at least, and certainly not once in his autobiography. He mentioned his mother a handful of times at most. And this is where I say this part makes me feel nauseous because of how damn sad it is.

TR, as I said, never came to terms with Alice's death, and he never would. Over decades maybe he could handle a brief sorrowful thought of her, maybe a second. But I don't think anybody would be wrong in assuming he still could never truly talk of her. It sounds sad, but it's true. He never handled grief well.

I do think this is one of the periods of TR's life that you hear of but, never seeing it mentioned again, really enforces that he wanted her gone. He couldn't stand the thought of her. Which... do. Do you see the therapy that he desperately needed?

WELL if you thought this was it then you were wrong!!

His father died when he was nineteen. TR idolized his father beyond all else. He had a massive portrait of the man in his office and he always wondered what his father would do in times of strength during his presidency.

And TR admitting fear is a very, very rare thing, because you don't. Actually see it often. He'd be more likely to admit to a crime.

So for his father to die, and not being able to see him before (TR couldn't arrive in time), really, really left its mark on him. This was also around the time he had a spat with his then-close-friend, future-second-wife Edith in a small summer house. His father's death left him grieving and the argument left him. Well. Seething, for lack of a better word.

TR was actually able to acknowledge his father. That was the only difference.

But he also needed extreme help by the time Valentine's Day 1884 rolled around, and I am not alone in that thought.

I'd also like to mention that the argument I referenced above is never going to be explored beyond what is known: They argued, it was intense, and it ended any romantic prospects between them for years. Other than that? We have abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Nothing to go off of. Neither ever told anyone what they argued about. All Edith said was that Theodore 'wasn't very nice', and TR just said they both had tempers. Other than that once again? Nothing.

He also experiences even more grief later but we'll touch on that later.

TR almost lost Edith, as well, during 1898 when the Spanish-American war was ramping up to its climax of official war.

It did not get better. As you'll see, this was also when Ted was put under suffering, aswell.

*Cut because the rest is in Ted's section*

Even though it ended well, TR was likely getting flashbacks (or intense reminders) of what happened with Alice Lee just 14 years ago. And in those 14 years I'm very sure he wasn't fully done suppressing the memory. Being put under such strain twice doesn't do well on a person, nor their mental stability.

And now I'd like to mention: TR possibly having bipolar disorder.

Listen I'm not going to go in detail because I have before (probably, if not just send an ask that tumblr hopefully wont eat), but basically, traumatic experiences when he was so young, multiple injuries, almost dying countless times when he was young as he had asthma, and never truly coping, and honestly just naturally, he could have had Bipolar Disorder.

I find this theory interesting and it's very believable. He could be all over the place, smiling and ecstatic, swinging his limbs around, and then the next, quiet, gloomy. Suppressed. He never calmed down enough unless it was serious. Now, it could've just been his natural personality and behavior. But he was reckless, bold, daring, a risk-taker, and didn't ever really care about dying as much as he should have.

TR ignored his doctor basically telling him "DO NOT DO EXTREME SHIT. IT WILL HURT YOUR HEART. BADLY." and proceeded to be the goddamn president. Don't even mention climbing mountains and tough sports and putting himself under immense strain.

Hell I'd say it's worthy of a book (albeit short or not who knows), but there isn't one so far (as I know of) that focuses on that theory and goes in depth.

(But I do consider it a mild headcanon of mine for NATM purposes because I genuinely think it's something to consider, and hey, if you get memories, why wouldn't that pass over? Or I just like angst idk skkdnfgk)

Edith also suffered two miscarriages during the White House years, so the trauma of losing two unborn children must've hit pretty hard too.

i could go on even more about this sad meow meow bastard but lets move on. (Oh, the trauma I mentioned we'll touch on later, we will touch on near the end in Quentin's section.)

2. Ted // aka the one who was sort of forced to be the best

(also this mf was IMPOSSIBLE to search for. 'Ted' brought up words w/ -ted at the end and it took me so damn long to filter those results out)

This one below is in the White House. The two above are from 1898.

(the proudness is mildly concerning)

The 'nervous exhaustion' and migraines Ted ended up getting were because he was being pushed so hard at such a young age. I tried to find the book that had it (with no luck) but his mother admits that TR pushed Ted far more than the other children. Whether it was because Ted was his eldest son or his first or his namesake or all of the above I don't know, but after that pledge, TR doesn't seem as hard on Ted again in the rest of the Trilogy this lies in.

I also tried to find this next part with once again no luck. However I'll explain the best I can:

When Ted was in college, he got sick with a very violent case of pneumonia, to the point where he was put to bedrest. TR may've had a hard attitude to sickness but he came down to be by his son's bedside and the concern must have been intense. Ted's mother also came down and eventually Alice did too when she was allowed (they actually considered each other like siblings, probably some of the closest between the six with only a 3/2 year age difference). Ted did get better, but it was still worrying in the moment.

I can't find the copy (when I can I'll probably edit this post), but in another book, during WWI, Eleanor (Ted's wife, not FDR's, it's. It's confusing I know) confided in TR that Ted worried if his father was proud of him. TR was particularly surprised, but he told Eleanor that yes, of course he was proud of Ted. He called the war he fought in (Span-Am War) a bow and arrow affair compared to what Ted was fighting in -- a war with bombs and motherfucking aerophysics.

So in Ted you have the 'Heir who's really stressed' part of being a Victorian kid of someone who may or may not need lots of therapy and already have daddy issues (because he did. and i am right.)

OH!! FDR and Ted also had this weird rivalry and Ted basically disowned his ass and called him a maverick. Republican tings ykwim- FDR kept Ted's war moves from newspapers to stunt his cousin's political career (Which is a dick move), but even in the end, FDR presented the Medal of Honor to Ted's widow and admitted that TR would've been the proudest of Ted.

-

3. - Kermit: really sad guy

Okay Ted was fucking impossible to search for but Kermit is not thankfully

Kermit doesn't seem to be as ... optimistic or loud as the other kids, as you can tell.

*in reference to Harvard, where all four of the boys attended. FDR was also slighted for like the rest of his life bc he wasn't allowed in a club that Ted and Kermit got into lmao i just find that funny*

Kermit was also 'easy to bruise' and 'adored' by his mother but he was still... uh. Well. In short terms, traumatized as fuck and had PTSD that goes beyond any realm I've ever fucking seen.

(I WILL be writing fic for this)

I guess you could say it's sort of depressingly similar to TR and his own brother, Elliott, who also died an alcoholic and with multiple attempts of su!c!de. Kermit is the younger brother, Ted is the older. TR was the older, Elliott was the younger. Ykwim?

Basically if Kermit the Frog is memey and funny then this Not-Frog-Man is tragically the opposite and he also. Really. Really needed therapy isn't that a running theme at this point though-

-

4. Archie - mischievous. that's it

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Not much I can find on Archie in an angsty way, which I think is actually good for my heart because the Edmund Morris TR Trilogy did not do wonders for my mental stability

The most prevalent thing I can find is this:

Archie--born in 1894--would be 15, so a 15 year old struggling for dear life and terrifying the shit out of his family. Doesn't sound good huh?

But!! Besides that Archie was the only American soldier to be disabled in BOTH World Wars (The three remaining sons (Quentin died in WWI as we know this) all fought in WWII. Fighting spirits indeed) and because of the SAME injury in the SAME leg. He was quieter but still mischievous and energetic, and he got along best w/ Quentin and they rarely quarreled. I will admit, I don't see much about Archie. Quentin obviously is well-spread around, Ted is aswell, Kermit partially, Alice fucking entirely. Ethel and Archie though, I dont see much of.

ALSO!!

*these two paragraphs follow each other, they're just on separate pages. the first paragraph follows into the next, so you can read it normally without missing anything.*

I forgot that Archie basically got really, really unhealthy during the War. His arm was worryingly limp and his leg was practically fucked. Not only that but he lost his closest brother in the war, so you can imagine how he felt.

-

5. Quentin - FAVORITE CHILD there i said it

-

okay. you want angst? like, a lot? this one. this boy is your ticket to sad depressive trains of thought.

Quentin was also the most like his father and very much a risk taker, so if he lived long enough, he very well could have had a very successful political career (or in whatever he chose to go into.).

However, Quentin's death was a lasting pain for TR (who died less than a year later) and it's said that Quentin's death not only hastened the then-late-50's year old man, but that TR died of heartbreak over his youngest's death. More angst after the pictures teehee

'He' is TR. He could be vaguely cryptic in matters of worry and family. Remember this

He paces when his brain is going a million miles an hour. I actually forgot this small detail but I'll have to use it sometime tbh

this part just makes me sad even though its almost been a year since i reread it like 20 times (more on that in a second.)

The silent grieving and absolute devastation seems far more powerful.

Now, getting specific:

Yes, it was said, as I may've already mentioned, that the boy in TR died when Quentin was devastatingly taken out on July 14th in the summer of 1918. He'd already suffered losing his father (his idol. this is where his own daddy issues come from) and losing his first wife AND mother (who he adored, too) in less than 12 hours. so now, to lose his youngest son, his boy, his child? Oh dear.

So combine the fact TR already needed lots of therapy and this new, heartbreaking death, and you've got one HELL of an angst supply.

It's worth remembering TR really just said 'fuck it. beat the memory until it's too dead to throb' and thought of it as a coping method.

... his 'method' is what we'd now call unhealthy. He thought it was so fucking fine that he even recommended it to a friend (or his sister? I forget tbh) who was just recently widowed. He was not taught healthy coping/healing methods and it showed. Strongly.

TR also felt tremendous guilt for his sons getting hurt (and one dying) in WWI. He'd always glorified war to himself and his kids and he'd instilled in them that a man is only a man once he's fought in battle. Well, no, that's not true. But in the Oyster Bay line of Roosevelts, you either fought in battle when you got the chance or you were a coward for denying it. Hell, take this quote from before Ted was even born:

And that is JUST on college games. What about war?

Of course, even if he didn't push his sons into WWI, they were bound to go in eventually. His sons all shared his glory-seeking and they would put themselves in harm's way just to get their father's attention sometimes, as I mentioned with Ted truly wondering if--even after fighting in a damn war, getting gassed, and shot, and nearly blinded, AND suffering almost a mental breakdown before he was even a teen--his father was proud of him.

So not only was Quentin's death enough guilt, his sons all got hurt in a war he not only pushed for in general, but he pushed for them to enter as soon as they could. Afterall, if he couldn't fight in the war at 58 with horrible health, then his younger and healthier sons could.

All in all they ALL needed therapy and there is a resounding amount of angst all around the entire family circle. If you read this I am very much sorry.

(I can also probably get the PDFs I used to search for these. I had the physical copies but those were library copies so uh. Not anymore. I can't find the other two books either so some parts WOULD have been pictures instead of text descriptions, but oh well.)

P.S i swear im not insane

[satansaidmyturnintheh3llscape]

Everything Right/Wrong with Ninjago “Legacy of the Green Ninja” E4: Ninjaball Run

Disclaimers: Show owned by LEGO. This is not a professional review/critique- it’s mainly intended for comedy.

Reblog, like, and/or comment for more!

- Intro ✅

- Wu’s method of training Lloyd to metaphorically bare the weight of his responsibilities is to have him literally bare the weight of his family… I don’t have to explain why this doesn’t work, right? We all get how f*cking stupid this is? No wonder Lloyd has no coping mechanisms… ❌

- Why did the construction guys get out of their vehicle to check the building after already driving the wrecking ball through it??? ❌

- “Tomorrow? Let me see that order. Oh, yeah. My bad!🥰” This company can and should be sued for this. In fact, I think I would’ve liked this episode much more if it had turned into a law drama ❌

- “Some developer named Darnagom Enterprises is buying the entire block to put in some stupid frisbee golf course.” Are we just gonna ignore the fact that Garmadon is a business owner now? Yeah? Okay ❌

- Also, where did Garmadon get the money to buy an entire block of the city? ❌

- “Did someone say-“ “*gasp* You didn’t happen to win the lottery?” I mean, it wouldn’t be out of character for Nya… ✅

- “Ninjaball Run” is the biggest road race in all of Ninjago yet none of the ninja or Wu have heard of it before apparently ❌

- “I thank you little lady fighter,” little lady fighter ✅

- Shouldn’t at least one of the ninja ride Ultra with Lloyd? This is the “most dangerous race in Ninjago” yet they’re letting him go it alone, and they’re considering it PRACTICE? Practice is done in a controlled environment, with professional supervision - this is a funeral bill waiting to happen ❌

- “Nervous? Ha, maybe for you guys.” Confidence ✅

- “Pull that lever because what it does…” “what?” “Pull that lever because if you pull that lever…” Never in my life have I heard sentences so deliberately written for contrived plot convenience as these ones ❌

- “It appears some skeletons have crashed the party! Is this against the rules?” I’d sure hope not since that’d seem a bit skeleton-cist ❌

- Ninjago is supposed to be a massive island, but this entire race takes place in under a day and it takes them from the desert, to the Grand Canyon, to the Sherwood Forest, then to f*cking Antarctica, then back to the desert? ❌

- Also, the race course forms a circle. The racers start at the line and then drive counter-clockwise, but by the end of the episode they come back to the line in the opposite direction from the one they should be ❌

- Wait when did the pirates escape prison? ❌

- “Too slow, too slow, we had a lead but let it go!” Royal Blacksmiths sing about their own demise before it even happens ❌

- Also, at no point did they have the lead ❌

- Good to know the Darkley’s kids learned a lot from last episode /s ❌

- “Let’s have a good, clean race!” *transitions to the kids messing w/ ninja’s ride* The joke here doesn’t work because the announcers already established that the only rule is to “cross the finish line first,” so the boys tampering with another racer’s vehicle isn’t actually cheating ❌

- “Will they ever quit?!?” No, Garmadon. No matter what they go through and how much it scars them, these sad, traumatized teens will never quit, even if it’d be better for all of them at this point.

- *Darkley’s boys ram their bus into pirates’ van* “Treachery me lads!” Treachery? What off-screen connection did Soto have with these kids to warrant the word “treachery?” ❌

- *To No-eyed Pete* “Why do I let you drive?!?” Good f*cking question ❌

- I just love how Lloyd’s dangling from the reigns ✅

- But how does he get back on Ultra? ❌

- “You saved us!” “I did? I mean, I did!” He did ✅

- *Skeletons take Lloyd out* F*ck Krunchaw and Knuckle for what I can assure you are completely, 100% bias-free reasons ❌

- Karma in its most satisfying form ✅

- “Hope they’re okay…” “Yeah… but if they’re not, stay tuned for the slow motion replay!” People are gonna watch for the slow-mo replay regardless of whether or not the drivers are okay. ❌

- Also, these 2 announcers are sadists ❌

- “I don’t know if you can feel it up there in the booth…” “I feel it alright!” He’s not in the booth; he’s right next to you in the stands ❌

- “They aren’t interested in catching you.” “Those coppers just want to win the race!” Justice system. ❌

- “Nothing can stop us now!” “We’ve used up all our fuel!” Kai jinxes the team, but that’s not what this sin is for; it’s actually for the fact that I think it’s very out-of-character that none of the ninja blame Kai for jinxing them ❌ /lh

- “Well then we’ll just have to do this the hard way, son!” Ed and Edna; the real MVPs ✅

- “I’m trying to win a race!” Quick reminder that Skales is petty as f*ck. He could just ditch this race thing and get away from prison easily but nope! Mans in it to win and I respect that✅

- I was willing to accept the first few but there is no way that not a single person is harmed in a crash this massive ❌

- Garmadon says in his wish that the ninja will NEVER be able to surpass this obstacle, so the fact that they are able to surpass it actually goes against his wish ❌

- “I knew it would bring us luck!” At no point did you ever say that, Jay ❌

- “YOUR ship? I believe this belongs to US.” ✅

- “We did it! We saved the dojo!” Dareth, you didn’t do sh*t and we all know it ❌

- I think this may be the first time I was practically scraping for things to say. I don’t know how to describe it; it’s like so much happened in the span of 22 minutes, but at the same time, literally nothing happened. Like, at all. ❌

Sentence: Anyone remember that one Tom and Jerry movie where they wrecked the house and then entered a really big race to get the money to fix it?

[dangermousie]

One of the things I truly love about this series is that it understands that trauma does not magically evaporate. Warner is fucked up and he will probably always be fucked up. But trauma doesn't mean you can't be happy.

Also, it's the only series I've read that deals with all the drawbacks of being an empath. And not just because Warner, introverted, prickly, guarded Warner, is the last person who'd enjoy that power but because in general this would be a nightmare more often than not, especially since it's massive work to try to mute it and it comes in non-stop.

Seriously, I love how this thread keeps running through the series. Nobody is magically fixed, neither the world nor them, nor does Warner magically become an extravert etc. And his sense of inadequacy will not go away for probably quite a while.

I love this:

And the thing is, he is. And honestly, in a different way so is she. But they can be happy together.

Even the control freak tendency is a coping mechanism to cope with a life that for most of it has been utterly not in his control on the most basic level (hi repeated brain rinses.)

This just might be my most favorite bit in the entire series, sorry not sorry.

Honestly, that is why he is perfect for her. She wants to save and protect the world, but he only wants to save and protect her, and she needs someone like that to be at her back always, or she'd be overwhelmed or destroyed or give too much. This is 100% my favorite trope.

Lady, come the hell on. What she sees in him (in addition to the looks because she ain't blind) is the fact that while he cares little about the world, he will literally die and bleed for her and amputate his own limbs with his own teeth if it would save her a moment of pain. She has many terrifying powers but the fact that she has Warner on a leash (so to speak) is very much of them.

As I said, I love that he's forever damaged and yet the novels say he can find happiness. You do not need to be fixed to be capable of that.

[coffeestainedcamera]

I'll be coherent again in 5 business days. This episode simultaneously delivered what I wanted and emotionally devastated me. Spoilers below gif.

Like, hell yeah to Logan croaking. But let's be real, his grip on the rest of the family will persist beyond the grave. The kids, despite all the hurt he's inflicted upon them, still very blatantly aren't ready to let him go. Doesn't matter that it's the healthiest thing for them to do. It takes time and you spend ages questioning if cutting a cancerous tumor out of your life was right (source: had some horrible relatives, I don't know how they're doing now and they don't have my cell or address lol).

But the entire show is about this dance where the kids are trying to cut the tumor but always drop the scalpel, whether by themselves or because something hit their hands. And we see it this season again. They're trying to break away from Waystar/Royco, they're trying to pull a massive deal out from under papa dearest's nose, they're seeing each other in a karaoke bar, they're bracing for a wedding ceremony together...

And really, they've been expecting to continue the feud with papa dearest indefinitely, with a ceasefire for Connor's big day. It's what we, the audience, have been conditioned to expect, even as there were Logan's previous medical incidents right in front of us. He's the big villain, alongside the self-destructive coping mechanisms the kids developed due to him. I definitely was expecting him to have plot armor this time around as well, as it's not even the season finale.

But, welp, gone. I did always feel vaguely bad for the kids, even with all their horrible behavior, as they always seemed lonely and in chronic pain. Def wanted them to cut the tumor out, as that was the cure. But obv this tumor removal was conducted by a runaway chainsaw, not a scalpel in their hands. Of course they'll be in shock, grief, and denial. They still saw him as a part of their lives, even if they were trying to move on.

So, we've got Roman desperately wanting his dad's love one last time, never admitting he did anything wrong and staying in denial about the death right up until the stretcher. We've got Kendall telling him that he doesn't forgive him, but still wanting him to wake up. We've got Shiv losing the cool and disaffected facade, crying and wanting him back after trying to add rocket fuel to her siblings' get-away plan during the Hundred debacle. And Connor isn't even told what's going on until it's too late, allowed to just stick to the wedding and denied this goodbye.

Oh, and Greg isn't fully looped in again. And really, he's just an uncle to him. And Tom is freaking out about losing his protector and arguable idol.

It all really sums up their relationships to Logan.

[decayedhearts]

Why Trey bakes when no one is hungry

This is just my headcanon so if you disagree, that’s fair ✌

On why Trey is not a “good” friend and why he bakes sweets as if that could cure all ailments of this world.

On a surface level Trey seems like the kind of guy you’d wanna be friends with. He is reliable, friendly, mature, calm. He helps Riddle handle the duties of a dorm leader, he bakes for the tea parties, he’s a good student. He gives life and study and health tips (e.g. how to brush your teeth well, how much to sleep, etc.) and he’s overall a good role model for younger students. He might not be your best friend, but he is that big brother type you know will at the very least listen to your problem and give some kind of advice, and not yell at you or make fun of you (beyond some teasing). He can offer words of encouragement and tell you life is hard sometimes but with the right attitude and a little effort you can get through the rough patches. He might even offer his company when you have to study for something, or offer tips and info he has on school traditions, classes, history, teachers - anything his experience and age help with. Trey will tell you if your school uniform is dirty and your manners will get you in trouble.

And he will bake for you. He will bake for everyone and make a little extra to cheer you up. He might even stay up half the night to bake something just to make you feel better. Everything he bakes is pretty and delicious; sweet, fruity, chocolatey - whatever you desire. It’s effort but doable, never inappropriate, it shows that he acknowledges you’re upset and that he cares.

And it is the absolute extent of what Trey is capable of giving.

He’s not stupid. He knows how much Riddle is suffering as well as he knows that his behavior is (was) not okay. After all, he’s seen how Riddle was treated as a child, and is still treated now. He sees that Cater is suffering and that his smiles are as fake as his entire online persona. He sees it so well he could bring both of them down with a few words if he dared to do so: but he never does. And it’s not because he doesn’t care about them or convinced himself “they’ll be fine”. It’s because he can’t handle the consequences. Bringing up these issues would place an enormous burden on him, a responsibility he can’t shoulder. Because you can’t call your best friend out on his massive depression or your other best friend on his raging eating disorder and fucked up relationship with his mom, and then just drop it when it gets too intense, can you? And sharing the pain of someone you care about so much feels like a knife in your own heart, especially when you can’t help them out of it. It’s fucking draining.

So he doesn’t even let it get that far.

This is not a conscious decision. He’s not sitting in his room thinking “I don’t want to be responsible for helping Riddle through his pain, so I will pretend it doesn’t happen”, it’s a subconscious coping mechanism. There is so much responsibility constantly on Trey’s shoulders, which he doesn’t make visible, that he simply lacks the emotional capacity to be the kind of friend Riddle and Cater need. The things we learn about his family imply that he’s always had a lot of eldest son/eldest brother responsibilities from a very young age and that his parents heavily rely on him (e.g. he made Halloween costumes for his younger siblings, and his holidays always mean working at his parents’ shop). The time during his childhood when he played with Riddle may very well have been the last time Trey got to play without this kind of burden on his back as well. (Let’s not forget when Riddle’s mom found out about their playdates, she scolded Trey and his family for hours. There’s no way a 10-year-old would not take away some damage from that.)

And you look at him and you just know he’s never complained about that. He should have been outside playing but he helped his mom prepare an order for the next day. He wanted to relax and finally read a book he got for his birthday months ago but Halloween was coming up and his siblings were upset because dad had no time to make their costumes. (Trey didn’t have a costume after a certain age; there was no time.) He wanted to come back from school and sleep in, but “Trey is home” is the only time his parents get to take a break from their job and from their other children. Trey is home means Trey needs to be his best to be a good son and a good brother, a real help at the shop, and probably a bit of a therapist for all the things that happened between his parents or his parents and his siblings while he was away at school.

And he’s only 18.

He’s a little creepy sometimes, almost as if there’s some other side of him shining through, and that might be exactly what it is. On the one hand there’s a side of him buried beneath that dutiful son persona that has very different ideas of life, but that side has been repressed for so long that he’s become bitter, and bitter caged things tend to turn cruel. On the other hand what creeps you out is his indifference. You don’t notice at first, but once you do, you can’t unsee that his responses lack genuineness. He might say “that’s terrible” but even as he says it his mind rejects this truth, and the result is an utter lack of (re)action where it’s direly needed. Of course he wants Riddle’s suffering to end; of course he wants Cater to be happier. But he can’t be responsible for it; he can’t carry that. He can’t let that suffering take roots in his heart. It takes all the strength he has to appear like someone who has the strength it takes to care enough for his friends to compromise himself for their sake. And that’s how Trey becomes the disappointment that he is. He successfully fools you into thinking he has it all together enough to be a support, but the truth is that he’s petrified by trying to not be a hindrance.

So when Ace calls him out on being a shitty friend for not stopping Riddle and helping him, of course Trey has nothing to say for himself. He knows. And he also doesn’t. He knows he should do more but he can’t truly acknowledge that about himself. He blocks it off because acknowledging it gives him so much anxiety he can’t sleep. He simply can’t handle it; he isn’t okay, he’s not who he wants to be, where he wants to be, or even remotely on a path that leads to a future he dreams of. In fact, he stopped dreaming altogether because there is no point. He doesn’t try to fix what’s wrong with his relationship to his family either, because he’s accepted things as they are and any ambition otherwise hurts. Too much to have it. But it’s not the path of least resistance, it only feels like that. Beneath the surface it takes so much energy to be someone you don’t want to be, to put others’ needs before your own by default (and not even in a palpable visible way! in a terrifying basic way that eats away at your very core but isn’t even acknowledged by your surroundings), to be calm and mature when really you want to feel authentic for once. Trey has no energy left to take on other people’s problems; problems that are so severe and real that he can’t bear to look at them.

So he fucking bakes, because that’s what he can do.

He has no real passion for it, but he’s good at it. Strawberry tarts always make Riddle smile - and it’s so easy to make them. Cater loves taking photos of Trey’s baked goods, and he even enjoys eating them once Trey doodle suits their flavor - a trick he will gladly use for Cater any time he asks. He does help his friends, doesn’t he? He’s there if they need him, theoretically, they just.. never need him, it seems. He does little things to make them smile and remind them that he cares. Surely they understand that? He doesn’t scold them, to not make them feel bad, not beyond the scope of a normal friendship. He’s a safe space - insofar as that he’s unwaveringly static. Riddle can literally fall into pieces in front of him and Trey will not move to save him because he is scared he will crumble too. Cater can lie to his face and Trey will see right through him, maybe even tell him, but will still let him keep doing it and accept that this is how he copes, rather than ask for the reason.

[dreamy625]

This rockstar life - 3.14 Communication breakdown

Words: 2357

Content: I don’t believe it, actual plot! Angst, drinking, mention of drugs but no drug-taking.

-----------------------------

“Oh god. Is he all right?”

“That was two days ago! Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Well fat lot of good that’ll do, they never do anything.”

“But he’s stable now? And talking and everything?”

“Thank god. So what…”

“Has he agreed to go?”

“Then no, you can’t send him against his will.”

“No I can’t. And I won’t. He’s an actual adult and he gets to make decisions about his life. Even though he is spectacularly bad at it.”

“Well I would be all for it if I had any hope that it would work. But it never does, does it. In fact, it makes him worse. You know he’ll just go on a massive binge the minute they let him out.”

“That’s a twelve step thing isn’t it? That’s even more useless.”

“Look, I know you Americans don’t understand this, but Steve, like most English people, believes in god about as much as he believes in the tooth fairy. So anything that relies on the intervention of a higher power is hopeless. The nearest thing he’s got to a higher power is Jimmy Page. And he’s a heroin addict.”

“Still no. Not unless he agrees to it.”

“I just feel like you want to put him somewhere so he’s not your responsibility, but that’s not what he needs. None of those places ever deal with the real problem.”

“Yes but that’s just temporary. The alcohol isn’t the problem, or not the… core problem. Drinking is the coping mechanism… the medicine for whatever is really wrong with him.”

“I don’t know, I’m not a bloody psychiatrist. And neither are you.”

“I am not being hostile. Look, the only person who’s ever done any good was the counsellor at Highcliffe. Maybe we can get him booked in there? Just as an outpatient. Unless he says otherwise.”

“Fine. I’ll deal with it. As you say, I am indeed very familiar with that institution.”

“I’m sorry Peter, but you’ve been packing him off to hospitals and treatment centres and holistic healing whatnots for at least five years now and it hasn’t done the slightest bit of good. So maybe just… leave him be.”

“Okay, then I’ll come over and get him. Will the hospital keep him in until tomorrow?”

“Right. Can you at least book me a plane ticket? And two to come back again.”

-----------------------------

Steve was almost entirely silent on the way from the hospital to the apartment, to pick up his stuff as packed by the devoted Malvin. He looked like shit, ghostly pale under four days of beard growth, with shaking hands, which I hadn’t seen since his first days in the clinic nearly two years ago. We were in the second cab, nearly at the airport, when he finally spoke:

“Are we really going home?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Mensch said… I have to go… to another…”

“I said he couldn’t send you anywhere unless you wanted to go.”

“You stood up to Mensch?”

“I guess I did.”

“You’re fierce when you need to be.” He managed a lacklustre smile before lapsing into blank silence again.

He trailed along behind me as if half-asleep as we navigated check-in, where I wrote a ridiculously large cheque to get many-times the standard baggage allowance, including three guitars, accepted by the harried clerk, got through Security, and found the right gate. I don’t know if there was some kind of VIP channel we could have gone through, Q Prime had just booked us business class tickets on a regular Heathrow shuttle flight and it hadn’t occurred to me to ask if there were usually special arrangements for transporting rockstars. Through the whole process I was afraid that someone would take a close look at Steve and decide that he couldn’t be allowed to fly in that state, but apparently shambling, glassy-eyed Englishmen are not that noteworthy and no one said anything. Finally we boarded and as I sat down my legs felt as wobbly as if I had climbed a mountain over the last twenty-four hours. As the plane taxied, I looked across at Steve and saw that there were tears trickling down his cheeks. As soon as the seatbelt light went off he clambered as much onto my lap as the armrest would allow and we clung together for the entirety of the short flight. 

By the time we’d got off the plane, waited for all the luggage, found a cab, and made it back to Chelsea it was almost ten o’clock. Once we got inside I just left all the bags in a heap in the hall and propelled Steve up the stairs to our bedroom. He just stood there, docile as a sleepy child, as I pulled off his clothes and pushed him under the shower. Concentrating on getting him warm, and ridding him of the hospital smell, I left the tangled hair. A problem for another day. It was only a few weeks since I’d seen him last, but he was noticeably thinner, every bump of his spine distinct under my hands as I soaped his back. I kept my head angled down so he wouldn’t see the distress in my face. Out of the shower and dried off, I wrapped him in one of the fluffy robes left from the Hysteria tour and he ambled into the bedroom while I quickly wiped the smudgy remains of make-up from my eyes and dragged a comb through my own hair. The person in the mirror looked like she’d fled from a warzone. 

“You should eat something. Are you hungry?”

He made a face.

“Soup?”

Another face and shake of the head.

“Well… tea then?”

“Okay.”

He drank the tea, and ate a couple of bites of the toast I’d optimistically brought with it before pulling off the robe and burrowing under the covers. I climbed in beside him and switched off the lamp. He was curled into a ball but unravelled enough at my touch that I could spoon him, and he held tightly onto my hand. After a little while, his grip loosened and I thought he was falling asleep, but then he murmured, oh so quietly, 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“I know baby, I know. We’ll sort it.”

Even though I’d been awake for about 40 hours by then, I couldn’t sleep and just lay there listening to his too-fast, too-shallow breathing, thinking about whether the ‘this’ he couldn’t do anymore meant the band, or… everything. He’d been relatively stable, with some ups and downs, yes, but nothing life-threatening, for so long that I’d convinced myself he was fine. For a given definition of fine. And a given definition of convinced. If I’m honest, I think I was just refusing to see that everything - him, me, us - had been getting worse since that horrible Christmas, because I didn’t know what to do about it. I do not feel grown-up enough to deal with this. Eventually I must have drifted off, to be woken again just as it was getting light by Steve twitching and moaning in his sleep. I made soothing noises and stroked his shoulder until the dream passed, and then he seemed to be sleeping more naturally, with slower breathing. 

When I wake up again, it’s to bright sunlight coming through half-drawn curtains and an odd smell. As I reluctantly blink open my gritty-feeling eyelids, I see Steve next to me eating a banana and drinking orange juice. He looks, well, still bad, but less awful than yesterday. 

“Hey. Feeling better?”

“Sort of. Not feeling sick anymore at least.”

The banana smell is making me nauseous, but I keep that to myself. He needs to eat and I don’t want him to stop on my account. His skin, though still pale, has lost the deathly grey tinge, and his hands are steady holding the glass. Which probably means… 

“Is there vodka in that?”

His face couldn’t hide anything if he tried. “A bit.” he admits.

“Maintenance dose huh?” 

He nods. 

I haul myself upright. “Well I need my fix too. Of coffee. Want some?”

He shakes his head.

“And then, will you be up to talking?”

He nods again.

“In actual words?”

Smiling, he makes the hand gesture for maybe.

When I get back with the pot of coffee (I had remembered that he doesn’t want any, but today I think I’m going to need the whole thing for myself!), he’s snuggled down again, duvet pulled up to his nose. Being July, it’s not exactly cold, but maybe he feels safer that way. Quickly I gulp down a cup of the magic caffeine potion and slip down beside him. It’s so tempting to just… not. Not start the conversation, just pretend that everything is fine now. He looks so sweet and vulnerable, and even relatively healthy in the golden sunlight, and the relief of getting him back makes me want to just hold onto him as tight as possible, keep him here and never let the world touch him again. But that would only last until the next phonecall from Peter. So, we talk. Quietly. Gently. Lots of pauses for thinking. Some crying, mostly me. Cigarette breaks, mostly Steve. Almost like proper functional adults. Eventually he drops off to sleep again, and I won’t wake him because he really needs to rest, but it doesn’t matter because by then we’ve got the outline of a plan. Or if not a plan, at least the acceptance of what needs to happen. Now we just have to be strong enough to stick with it. 

-----------------------------

“I can’t. I just can’t.”

A week later, both still hiding under the duvet long after the alarm clock has rung, Steve is besieged by anxiety and second thoughts. I’m trying to be supportive, but it really is a life-changing decision. And one which only he can take and only he can enact. And to be honest I’m almost as terrified as he is. The band, and everything that goes with it, is a major source of the pressure that crushes him, but also it gives him structure and purpose, and it’s been his whole life since he was eighteen. I don’t know what he’ll do, who he’ll be, without it. After talking to Phil yesterday, today is the day he’s supposed to tell the rest of the guys. And then Peter and Cliff. And to say he’s dreading it would be an understatement. I think this is the worst I’ve ever seen him. He drank almost an entire bottle of vodka last night, no pretence of it being a sociable activity, barely even bothering to dilute it, just a grim, deliberate, unstoppable emptying of the bottle to get as far away from reality as possible. He was itching for some coke as well, but he’s out of practice with that and fortunately the only contact he still has in London wasn’t answering the phone. Anyway, the booze was enough and he eventually passed out on the sofa about 1am. I did the whole recovery-position - blanket - bucket procedure, and resigned myself to a sleepless night keeping watch over him, prodding him periodically and making sure I at least got a grunt in response. A little after 3am he woke up, threw up, and then I was able to half-drag him up to bed, using all the pillows to prop him on his side once again, where he snored like a warthog for the next four hours until the alarm went off. 

Now, I think he’s gone through dread and out the other side into a kind of blank paralysis. Not hungover (I guess he probably puked half the bottle back up), but white as a sheet and huge eyes staring at nothing in the darkness under the quilt. There’s nothing I can say or do that would make it better. It’s definitely one of those ‘the only way out is through’ situations, but I’m not sure that’s a helpful observation to make when the ‘out’ part is a scary unknown future that you don’t necessarily want either. The car’s coming in an hour for the flight at noon. Phil’s going to meet us at the airport and go to the studio with him. I’ll wait at the hotel until after the meeting and the call to Q Prime in the States; this is definitely a band-only thing, and I do not want to be Yoko. Phil’s going to ring me when it’s all done and then, well there is no real plan for then. It depends how it went, what state he’s in. I can’t think about it now. It’s too much.

-----------------------------

Captain’s log supplemental - we’re all having dinner at Joe’s house. I think. I hope. It went okay? 

They are making jokes, all at Steve’s expense, pretending to forget his name and saying ‘you still here?’ every time he walks into a room. But it seems good natured, no barbs, and I know this is how boys, these boys anyway, show affection. Joe, when he thinks no one is watching, has something of the look of a kicked puppy, so I think he’s more upset than he’s making out, but from the rest all I see is kindness and, not relief exactly, but like a weight has lifted. It must have been so tough to watch their friend struggling, horribly worried about him but also relying on him to keep doing his job so the band would stay afloat. 

From the quick debrief in the taxi, predictably Peter and Cliff had not reacted with unmitigated joy. But I think they recognised a fait accompli staring them in the face. They’re going to ‘thrash out a deal’, which definitely includes finishing the album and doing the tour that follows. I guess Steve’s going to need a lawyer to deal with it all, but for now he seems content with the general plan. Would a clean break right now have been better? Maybe. In the short term. But I think the guilt would have got to him in the end. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel entirely real yet. 

[keeganhogan]

Godzilla (1954)

Going into this film, I was not sure what to expect. I have never actually seen a Godzilla film, and my pop-cultural knowledge of the iconic monster extends to about as much as some of the Godzilla films made in recent years that seem to draw in audiences simply for some giant monster destructive action. However, that is not how Godzilla began. To first touch on the special effects, they are very obviously in the early stages of innovation in that regard. While some of the visual spectacle is lost on a 21st century audience, I still found appreciation for all the different ways they achieve the effects of mass destruction that the monster wreaks. Using high camera angles to capture the horrified faces of the actors, plenty of miniatures for the Godzilla actor to trample through, practical effects, stop-motion, editing, and pyrotechnics all come together in this film and work together far better than I ever thought that many different kinds of effects could. Godzilla truly feels massive and immortal in this movie. The loud, echoing footsteps indicating his presence, the iconic roar that, after some brief research, is created by a glove coated in resin on a double bass – a completely inhuman sound – in combination with the aforementioned special effects bring the fear, tragedy, and disaster experienced by the people in this movie to life. The black and white used in this film is used so expertly, as the stark contrast between shades gives the film a very noir-esque ambiance, which fits very well given the somber tone and topic of the film. The dark shadows cast across the streets of Tokyo contrasted with the bright white of Godzilla’s fires paints a very depressing hellscape of destruction to liken to the disaster of the bombing of Japan during the war.

            Godzilla itself seems to be a way for the Japanese public to collectively deal with the trauma of the nuclear bombs that were dropped by American forces during the war. Doing some more research, I learned that the American occupation prohibited public discussion of atomic bombs, meaning that the Japanese public was suppressed in dealing with that trauma as a nation. Godzilla seems like a response to this, allowing for that discourse about nuclear weapons to be had. On the one hand, testing of hydrogen bombs is the reason that Godzilla is unleashed upon the Japanese people, and its radiated nature likens it to the atomic bombs themselves. On the other hand, it is also somewhat like a vengeful spirit of those who died to the bombs. Because of this representation, this film works almost as a coping mechanism, providing an idealistic world where scientists, the government, and the public all work together to conquer this threat that they could not in real life. I also found the likening of the Oxygen Destroyer to the atomic bomb interesting as well, as Serizawa, its inventor, knows that it will be used for horrible things if revealed to the government and public to take down Godzilla. This inner struggle that Serizawa has reminded me a lot of the movie Oppenheimer that came out just last year. The knowledge that the weapon will bring the world into a worse state of being because of its existence, but also the necessity to use it to save the people of the present day was the same dilemma that Oppenheimer experienced in that film. I’m not entirely sure if the inclusion of this discourse in Godzilla is meant to bring more focus on the way that the world treats weapons of mass destruction like this and less on the invention of said weapons or not. However, unlike Oppenheimer, Serizawa decides to take his invention to the grave with him, instead of having it be unleashed upon the world. This anti-nuclear sentiment of the film is where that similarity is clearly different, but of course that is also comparing fiction with historical truth. Another notion of anti-nuclear sentiment comes from the paleontologist, wonderfully played by Shimura Takashi, who notes that another Godzilla will surely awaken given the rise in H-bomb testing that awoke the first. This new creation of mass destruction will only lead to more trauma of nuclear fallout.

[erabundus]

anonymous &&. said... Ren this is a rhetorical question. What if something would were to happen to Kazuha, like for example he would get tortured and then his unconscious body would be dropped off on your doorstep. How big of a survival chance does the person/people who did it have?

what  kind  of  question  is  this  supposed  to  be?  the  wanderer's  expression  doesn't  change  —  veering  towards  neither  rage  nor  fear.  the  indifference  he shows is  a  deliberate  ploy;  rhetorical  or  otherwise,  he's  no  interest  in  responding  in  such  a  manner  that  may  incite  genuine  HARM  towards  his  partner.  ( if not at their hands, than that of some fool with a tragic lack of self preservation. ) just  as  well,  his  ANGER  has  always  been  at  its  most  potent  when  allowed  to  condense  and  hone  itself  into  a  sharpened  blade.

❝  calling  it  a  chance  would  be  a  misnomer.  ❞   ren  finally  replies.  his  voice  is  calm  and  casual  —  the  same  tone  of  one  making  a  relatively  minor  correction.  the  contrast  only  becomes  it  all  the  more  jarring  as  he  continues,  ❝  a  chance  implies  there's  room  for  SURVIVAL  at  all,  no  matter  how  unlikely.  assuming  you  could  lay  a  hand  on  him  and  live  to  tell  the  tale  would  be  your  first ...  and  last  mistake.  ❞   it's  not  a  THREAT  —  or  rather,  he  doesn't  see  it  as  one.  it's  a  statement  of  objective  fact;  the  grass  is  green,  the  sky  is  blue  and  harming  a  single  hair  on  kaedehara  kazuha's  head  has  a  higher  fatality  rate  than  a  shot  glass  fulll  of  cyanide.  ❝  there  is  nowhere  you  could  run,  and  nothing  you  could  hide  behind  that  would  ever  stop  me  from  killing  you  in  the  most  excruciating  method  at  my  disposal ... the only hard part would be deciding which one to pick.  ❞

he  has  no  heart  to  hold  mercy  for  others.  he  is  not  a  good  person,  and  VIOLENCE  is  the  only  coping  mechanism  he's  been  given  to  navigate  the  world.  (  a  world  that  has,  in  large  part,  always greeted  him  with  violence  in  turn.  )  kazuha  is  one  of  the  few  unambiguously  positive  things  in  his  life  —  and  if  he  has  to  spill  blood  for  his  sake,  he  would  do  so  without  hesitation.  by  choosing  to  engage  in  this  relationship  to  begin  with,  ren  knows  he's  effectively  given  himself  a  massive  weakness.  such  is  the  nature  of  all  bonds; it's all the more incentive to avoid them.  even  so,  this  is  the exception  he'll  fight  to  PROTECT  as  viciously  as  he  needs  to.  the  ronin  is  precious  enough  to  warrant  the  risk, and the more time passes, the stronger he feels.

kazuha  is  a  living  dopamine  rush.  his  affections  border  on  ADDICTING.  he's  never  felt  like  this  before,  only  knows  that  it  meets  some  need  so  deeply  ingrained  into  him,  he  thinks  he  may  truly  PERISH  were  he  made  to  go  back  to  yearning — now with  a  taste  for  what  he's  been  without.

❝  anyway,  ❞   ren  continues,   ❝  this  entire  scenario  is  absurd.  give  kazuha  the  credit  he  deserves;  he's  not  some  helpless  type  in  need  of  protecting ...  he  would  sooner  avenge  himself.  ❞