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craptsukii · 4 years

Text

genshin boys and terms of endearment they'd use

a/n: this is my first time writing headcanons and ngl i found them quite difficult to format :( i’m liking this style for now, but things might change later on teehee anyway, lemon cake update next week, i promise!

♡༚࿐ 🇩‌🇮‌🇱‌🇺‌🇨‌

let’s get something out of the way first

diluc is not a jerk

sure, he might have tsundere tendencies but he’s definitely not as cold as people make him seem

in my opinion anyway

i like to call him a classy, but also a very private, softie

i can totally see him as someone who’d use terms such as darling, love, doll

a major factor here is the time and place

in public, he tries to seem more indifferent and will most likely refer to you by your name

however, in a more private setting, he has no inhibitions and actually prefers using nicknames!

I feel like diluc would want to really reassure their partner he truly cares about them, but in a direct yet indirect way

and calling you sweet things seems to get the message across.

listen to this while reading!

If only time could pass faster. Who knew waiting could be such an agonising activity? Such a simple but repetitive thing. Waiting for your cake to finish baking, waiting for the morning to arrive and even waiting for your lover to come home turned out to be much more of a challenge. It wasn’t unusual for Diluc to spend hours on end at Angel’s Share, but it was rather odd of him to break his promises.

A sad smile took over your features, remembering last night. Remembering his words, so sweet and benign, promising to dedicate you all of him and his time. His crimson red eyes, full of love and admiration for the person he held so dearly to his heart. His voice, so demure and nothing but a soft whisper, as if raising it would ruin the moment. The moment he shared with you in a little dark corner of Mondstadt, away from curious eyes and sharp ears. The moment he so desperately wanted to hold onto. Yet, the darknight hero was nowhere to be found.

By the time he finally arrived, your eyes were already closing. It was a gloved hand that pulled you out of your somnolent state. Yet again those same red eyes were looking into yours with the same devotion, if not stronger than the night he made his promise.

“Forgive me, love,” he pleaded in a shushed tone, “Kaeya came in and started causing a commotion and I couldn’t just leave.” he continued, his thumb brushing over your cheek delicately.

Too tired to say anything, you placed your hand over his, silently asking him to join you in bed. You had all the time in the world to discuss tomorrow... Hopefully. After discarding his black coat on one of the chairs and taking off his shoes, Diluc plopped in your shared bed, not even bothering to change into something more comfortable. Soon his arms were around your waist, bringing you closer to his chest. His smell reminded you of grapes and it completely enveloped you as you nestled into him.

“If only I could turn back time…” Diluc murmured to himself, kissing the top of your head. “Nothing will come in between us and our time together tomorrow. I promise you, darling.”

Turns out that, in the end, he does keep his promises.

♡༚࿐ 🇽‌🇮‌🇦‌🇴‌

listen to this while reading!

my very polite baby

like sure, he’s straightforward

but he be treating everyone with respect

you might be wondering why that matters

well that's because i think xiao would see it as a little rude to not refer to someone important to him by their name

names play a major part in xiao’s past

with rex lapis re-naming him after taking him under his wing and such

so, in my opinion, xiao finds calling out your name way more meaningful than nicknames

although if he were to use one it would probably be dear

it’s short and he can still address you as “dear (name)”

it does sound quite formal at times though

Moments like this were rare. Usually, sleep doesn’t concern your lover in the slightest, as it rarely comes to him. Although you couldn’t help but admit how much you loved it when he did come and sleep. Cuddled up next to you was the vigilant yaksha, the well known protector of Liyue. And dare you say, it was truly a divine sight. In the wash of the morning light, his face took the appearance of an old photograph, so nostalgic, so at peace. Slowly, one of your hands brushed past his face, placing the few rebel aquamarine strands that were cascading down his cheek behind his ear. For a moment, you find yourself in perfect silence, Xiao’s soft breaths being the only sounds that could be discerned. Without realising, you started softly rubbing his back, your heart leaping at the content purr that followed shortly after.

It was almost impossible to put into words the joy this brought you. Although it was such a simple, mundane thing, seeing Xiao so at ease was by far your favourite memory with him. The more you studied his features the more your sight fell upon his lips. The sudden urge to kiss him overwhelmed you, wanting nothing more than to cherish and show your lover the affection he deserves.

If only the sudden chirping of birds didn’t scare you, barely a few inches away from his face.

Curse those birds and their awful timing! And so, you backed away, laughing to yourself in self-consciousness, thankful that no one was aware of your little mishap.

Or so you thought.

You felt your face get warmer the moment you saw Xiao looking at you, drowsiness still coating his eyes. Yet again, for another short moment, no sound could be heard.

“____ my dear” he said, his voice deep and hoarse, snaking his arms around you as he brought you closer to him, “if you won’t do it, I will.” it was then the flush across his cheeks became apparent to you. Shame you didn’t have time to savour it, his lips immediately finding yours in a sweet, dream like kiss.

Moments like this were truly worth treasuring.

♡༚࿐ 🇨‌🇭‌🇮‌🇱‌🇩‌🇪‌

in contrast with xiao, childe loves calling you cute nicknames

in fact, he barely uses your name!

sometimes he likes to tease you and pretend he forgot your actual name

of course that’s not true,he could never do such a thing

I can totally see him use pet names such as comrade, girlie, cutie, shawty, sweetness, princess/prince, baby

ok i know shawty is kind of random, but i think he’d use kind of ironically?

I think he’d also use big sister/brother just to tease you, even if you’re younger than him

he heard teucer refer to you as such one time and it honestly melted his heart a little bit

as a side note, seeing his siblings get along you makes him genuinely happy.

listen to this while reading!

Spring was such a beautiful time. Especially in Liyue. Especially on a date with the one and only Childe, eleventh of the Fatui harbingers. For someone with such a fearsome title and reputation, it wowed you to no end just how charming, just plain adorable, Tartaglia can be. Albeit, it was only your second date, it was expected of him to at least try to be nice.

And on time.

As you waited, under that beautiful sky, a hue so gentle between cloud and baby blue, you watched each bird upon wing. It was one of those spring days with a kiss of coldness that somehow heightened the warm rays of the sun. You paused to admire the flowers, to sense their aromas, to be in the moment with their transient beauty.

“Lovely, aren’t they?” asked Childe from behind you, a shy, perhaps slightly embarrassed, smile painted on his lips. “Sorry I’m late, I really overestimated my juniors’ capabilities and I had to step in.” he continued, gingerly taking hold of your hand, kissing the back of it.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his gentlemanly antics, although you enjoyed them nonetheless. “Don’t worry about it, you’re here now.” you reassured him, as you took a hold of his hand, already leading him towards nowhere in particular.

Another thing you liked about him. Things were so casual, so easy-going. One might call this date nothing but a hangout, but not every date has to be a luxurious five star dinner or a fancy show. Sometimes just a simple walk along the Liyue port was enough. Enough for you to get to know Childe, enough for you to like him even more.

Suddenly, Tartaglia was in front of you, his hands lightly taking hold of your face.

“Hold on cutie, there’s something on your face,” he answered your silent question, seeing as you looked a little confused. The next thing you knew, his lips descended upon yours. It was a sudden but very much welcomed kiss. A kiss that unfortunately ended just as abruptly, “it was me.”

♡༚࿐ 🇿‌🇭‌🇴‌🇳‌🇬‌🇱‌🇮‌

favourite peepaw

also prefers using your name rather than nicknames

but he’s not completely against them

he finds them quite nice actually

and he actually enjoys being referred by one!

like imagine going for a stroll with him and all of a sudden you go "darling, look!"

he'd look so content oh my lord

in my opinion anyway

he’d usually call you honey, my beloved or even my one and only!

you could be doing the simplest of things like reading with him under a tree

and he'd go "you're my one and only love"

no, he isn’t aware of how cheesy it sounds.

listen to this while reading!

Who knew the God of contracts could be such a romantic? Usually, Zhongli wasn’t a big fan of fancy, elaborate dates. He’d usually say something along the lines that “spending time with you was enough for him to feel like the richest man in the world”, which he technically was even without your presence. But, quite frankly, it was because he lacked the funds to do so that he didn’t pamper you every moment of the day.

So when you found yourself face to face with an array of different foods, meticulously prepared and arranged on a soft picnic blanket, you couldn’t help but wonder —

“Why the sudden change?” you asked, sitting down on the plush cover, to which Zhongli only chuckled.

“Am I not allowed to change my mind?” he replied in a teasing tone, flopping next to you.

“Oh, you are more than welcome to do so,” you winked, pouring some tea for both of you. It smelled like chamomile, “I was just trying to say it’s a nice change.” you continued, taking a few sips of your tea.

Zhongli only hummed, content with your response. Sometimes, sitting in silence, all while eating delicious brunch foods and drinking sweet tea, was much more enjoyable than small talk.

And so, you spend the rest of the day with your lover, basking in the sunshine and each other’s company. In his embrace, there was something so right, something that felt right, smelt right. You let your body sag, your muscle become loose. In that embrace you felt your worries loose their keen sting and your optimism raise its head from the dirt.

“You’re so beautiful, my beloved,” he whispered, cupping your face and kissing you gently.

♡༚࿐ 🇰‌🇦‌🇪‌🇾‌🇦‌

avid user of nicknames

partially because he finds them cute

and partially because he loves teasing you

he’d use them in public and try to get a reaction out of you

like let’s say all of a sudden kaeya is back hugging you, pampering your neck with kisses

saying something like “what’s wrong, baby?”

he’d also use hot stuff, sweet cheeks, gorgeous, handsome, cutie pie, treasure

sometimes they’re really sweet, other times they’re really silly

side note, i feel like this one got a little out of hand sorry yall i lowkey can’t take kaeya seriously

listen to this while reading!

There was something so heavenly about a kiss in the rain, a tender moment that just wouldn’t wait. It was that burst of love that is expressed, not caring if the water soaked through to chill the skin. You felt yourself gasping for air as Kaeya’s lips left yours, doe like eyes searching for his. Behind that brilliant shade of blue sparkled a glacial attraction. So complex and mysterious, it was magnetic. It made you want him even more.

Upon seeing your dazed state Kaeya smiled, clearly enjoying the effect he had on you. His hands found yours. “Let’s get you of here before you catch a cold.” he said, leading you down the streets of Mondstadt. It was the middle of August, and you got caught in nothing more than a summer rain. You weren’t even cold, but alas you let it slide, enjoying seeing Kaeya worry about you, even if it wasn’t as serious as he made it seem.

There is something about a rain-washed pathway that invites playful feet, that says each new step will be rewarded with a splash. And soon, you found yourself splashing around, making the most out of this accidental rain shower.

The moment you finally reached your home, Kaeya wasted no time, his arms already wrapped around you in a tight embrace. Yet again, a gasp escaped your mouth, Kaeya’s cold lips leaving goosebumps behind each carefully placed kiss on your neck.

“You know what’s the best way to get warmed up, treasure?” he asked, his hands ghosting over your hips.

You shook your head softly, awaiting his answer.

“A good old dance party!” he exclaimed, spinning you around as he started humming a cheerful. “Nothing gets the blood going like a little movement!” it was obvious he found great pleasure in seeing your more than confused, if not disappointed, expression. Still, he paid you no mind and continued dancing with you all while singing a cheery melody.

It was quite save to assume there was never a boring moment with this man.

♡༚࿐ 🇦‌🇱‌🇧‌🇪‌🇩‌🇴‌

my favourite elevator boy

doesn’t love nicknames but doesn’t hate them either

i see him as an action speak louder than words guy

and although he’s aware that, as his partner, you know that

he still feels sorry for not being as vocal as other people when it comes to talking about his emotions??

so cute terms like these are a simple way he can show his appreciation for you

for some reason, i think he would really like using diminutives??

he’d call you things like little star

or baby or lovebug

i think it really matches his vibe ngl

listen to this while reading!

The breeze blew warm announcing the coming of summer's hottest days. The aroma of the tall grasses were an intoxicating perfume and the starry night above was a painting more sublime than any man could create. The clarity above became reflected in your mind.

Being with Albedo meant putting up with the unholy amount of hours he’d spend on whatever research he’d be conducting at the time. And luckily for you, his next big discovery involved the stars. On the black sky above you, there were a multitude of stars and there were lighter patches, clusters of faint and bold light, the constellations altered according to the time of year. These were the same stars that greeted the ancients, the same ones that would be there in millions of years.

As you enjoyed your little midnight snack, your gaze fell upon the chief alchemist. His eyes were fixated on the landscape above him, utterly fascinated by the world’s mystic beauty. Seeing him so consumed by his studies made your heart feel warm. It was adorable to see him like this.

Your sudden yawn made both you look at each other. Albedo’s gaze was filled with compassion, and perhaps a little remorse for making you come with him so late in the night just to stare blankly at the sky.

But you knew this wasn’t such a trivial thing.

You pet the spot next to you, silently asking him to sit down with you, to which he immediately obliged. As his head found its place on your shoulder a little sad smile made its appearance on his face.

“Sorry for making you come here with me, baby.” he said, his hand drawing patterns along your thigh. “I know this isn’t your idea of quality time.”

“Any time spent with you is quality time, silly.” you giggled, kissing the top of his head. “And besides, who doesn’t enjoy a little bit of stargazing?”

♡༚࿐ 🇻‌🇪‌🇳‌🇹‌🇮‌

ok now for venti

i feel like with him the tone he uses is very important??

i mean this also applies to the rest of the guys

but for venti even more so

he could simply refer to you by your name and it would still feel all special and bubbly

nonetheless, he loves using pet names!

i mean as a bard, he can come up with poems and such on a whim ( flashback to the signora moment :) )

so his nicknames for you always have a certain meaning or funny story behind them

oh, you love pumpkins or had an unfortunate accident involving one? now he calls you pumpkin all the time

he’d also call you things like sunshine because to him you bring so much joy and you warm his heart just like the sun.

with that being said, good luck to those pulling for him! <3

listen to this while reading!

“There you go! You’re really good at this!” Venti complimented you, observing in great detail the way your fingers touched the strings of his lyre.

Judging by the curious stares and even odd looks you’d get from time to time, that wasn’t really the case. What was supposed to be a simple walk around the city turned out to be a full concert. Although Venti couldn’t find it in his heart to tell you, who asked him so eagerly just a few moments ago if he could teach how to play a song, just how… Poor was your attempt.

A relieved sigh could be heard the moment your fingers left the strings, although Venti’s reassuring smile never left his face. “Don’t let a few strangers discourage you! Even the greatest geniuses had to start somewhere!”

“Are you saying I’m a genius?” you asked teasingly with a raised eyebrow, laughing at his flustered face.

“Let’s not go that far…” he murmured, winking cheekily.

“And here I was, thinking I could wow you with my insane musical skills…” you whined sarcastically, handing him his lyre as you continued your stroll. It was then Venti stopped in his tracks. Upon his face, shock was written all over, his expression soon turning sympathetic. For a moment, he left you alone, diving into the crowd of people, only to return to you with a single cecilia flower. Its fragrance was sweet and fresh and its color a perfect white. Shortly after, he gently placed it behind your ear, smiling to himself while looking at you.

“You don’t need fancy tricks to win over what you already have,” Venti said, kissing your cheek lightly. A cheerful tune could be heard across the street, Venti’s soft melody attracting a lot of attention, “I’m all yours, sunshine.” he said loud enough for more than a few people to hear.

He has such a way with words, doesn’t he?

#genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin x reader #soft hours #fluff #genshin xiao #genshin Childe #genshin diluc #genshin headcanons #genshin zhongli #genshin kaeya #genshin albedo #genshin venti #genshin one shots #i’m sorry kaeya stans #i love him but i deadass cant take him seriously 😭😭#kaeya supremacy nonetheless

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makeste · 3 years

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hello! I’ve seen some debate as to whether the 2nd meant allies in general would bolster izuku and although I do think that’s true (ofc any sort of support system that he lets himself rely on would bolster him) I feel like if that was what was meant it would’ve been made clearer? maybe instead of just katsuki showing up, the final panel would’ve had several students burst onto the scene. what are your thoughts?

agreed. and incidentally this is another big reason why it's not Toga. if it was her then Horikoshi wouldn't have devoted any time to OFA II's little hype speech. it just makes it kind of pointless, unless this whole time we've been sleeping on Toga's hidden ability to bolster Deku lmao.

but anyways, yeah. and I mean, Two's commentary here is really just acknowledgement of something we've long since known already. Kacchan is the one who will ultimately be able to reach Deku. we don't actually need a piece of dialogue to tell us this, because the manga has been showing it to us since day one. his resume is fucking stacked. I mean, let's go through it.

he is mean.

I love this you guys. I honest to god love it. because the thing is, if you ask anyone what Kacchan's absolute worst quality is, this would be the obvious answer, right? "he's an asshole" lmao.

but that's exactly what we need right now!! someone who's not afraid to tell it like it is, and won't try to sugarcoat things. someone who's not afraid to argue back and risk hurting someone's feelings. because right now Deku is walking all over anyone who can't do that. All Might tries to feed him lunch and he's like "nah I'm good, anyways bye." Endeavor tries to tell him to rest and he's all "I'm fine" and fucking hangs up the phone. nuh uh. enough of that. what we need is someone who will call him out on his shit. "hah!? don't tell me you're fine when it's obvious to anyone you can barely stand on your own two feet, dumbass."

he is stubborn.

kind of ties into the other thing, but yeah. right now we need a bullheaded asshole who won't take no for an answer if he thinks he's right. good luck trying to sweet talk your way out of this one, Deku.

he understands the situation.

this one is important, because in fairness, simply standing in front of Deku and saying "you shall not pass" isn't gonna be enough to actually accomplish anything here. ultimately he's going to have to be able to reason with Deku too. and so in that respect, it certainly doesn't hurt that Kacchan is someone who understands the OFA situation as well as anyone, and has always had clear judgment about it. he understands the threat of AFO ("they all died young"), and he understands the burden of All Might's legacy. he knows what Deku is dealing with, and that's going to give him an edge when it comes to finding that elusive-yet-critical talk no jutsu knockout blow.

he's been where Deku is now.

Kacchan knows a thing or two about burdens. granted, they've more often than not been ones that he's put on himself, but that didn't make them any less heavy. Deku right now is struggling not just with his feelings of responsibility, but also with all of the misplaced guilt that's feeding into it. AFO is targeting him. if innocent people get caught in the crossfire then that's on him. every minute that AFO stays out there getting stronger and causing more chaos is all on him, because he hasn't defeated him yet. and so on and so forth.

and Katsuki knows what that's like. because he blamed himself for what happened to All Might. that feeling of "if I'd only been stronger" is one that he's intimately acquainted with. that feeling of blaming yourself, of not being able to look someone you care about in the eye because you think it's your fault they got hurt. this is something he knows. this is a road he's already been down. and so if Deku tries to pull any "you don't understand" nonsense, Kacchan is uniquely situated to immediately shoot that shit right down.

he's immune to low blows.

lol I keep thinking of all the different counterarguments that Deku could make, and all the different ways in which Kacchan is perfectly equipped to handle them. anyway, so this particular thing is a very recent development, but very fortunately timed. so as we all know, Kacchan was a first class dick to Deku during their childhood. something which Deku, with his abnormally kind and forgiving nature, has never once confronted Kacchan about, even though he would have absolutely had the right. but anyway, so here's the thing though -- right now I fully believe that Deku can and will do or say just about anything in order to get Kacchan and the others to leave. and that includes hurting them in order to save them. so it would not surprise me at all if Deku goes as far as to throw Katsuki's old, cruel, selfish behavior back in his face as part of a last-ditch effort to get him to back down. desperate times and all that.

and maybe there was a time when that actually would have worked. but here's the other thing -- we know something Deku doesn't. namely, that Kacchan has recently leveled up emotionally and has finally unlocked his atonement quest. he finally understands that it's not all about him. which means that it doesn't matter even if Deku pulls out the big guns. he may hurt his feelings, but he's not going to scare him off, because Kacchan's focus right now is on atonement, not forgiveness. he's not doing this for a pat on the head. he's doing it because it's the right thing to do. and no amount of insults will be able to sway him from that.

he learned from the best.

I said this in another post a couple of weeks back, but yeah. Angsty Nomad Deku has nothing on early Kacchan in terms of pushing people away. early Kacchan was the motherfucking king of pushing peeps away. if you so much as LOOKED at this kid in such a way that SUGGESTED you might even be THINKING about possibly trying to save him, he would straight up throw a ten-year hissy fit lmao. Deku's "All Might, you don't have to tag along anymore"s ain't got SHIT on all of Kacchan's "STAY BACK DEKU"s and "I'D RATHER LOSE!!!"s and "OMFG HOW DARE YOU BE THE ONLY PERSON TO TRY TO SAVE ME FROM THIS RAMPAGING SLUDGE MAN WHO'S ABOUT TO SUFFOCATE ME TO DEATH"s. Kacchan is the undisputed goat here lol.

but anyway, so what this means is that he has accumulated a whole HOST of iconic lines and fateful parallels which he can throw back in Deku's face at a moment's notice. and the best part is that he learned it all from THIS EXACT MOTHERFUCKER, RIGHT HERE. what is Deku even gonna do!! argue against his own past actions?? "well, uh, I guess now that you mention it I should have just sat back and watched you die all those times" OH REALLY?? YOU DON'T SAY. THAT SOUNDS SO CONVINCING.

and so guess what, Deku -- if Kacchan was worth saving, then you're worth saving too. it's an ironclad argument. congratulations son you played yourself.

he always wins.

okay so real talk, we all know that what's really driving Deku right now is his fear of losing people. he's helpless against that. he saw Kacchan get stabbed right before his eyes and it fucked him up. he saw all these other people getting hurt and killed because he couldn't save them, and he straight up could not deal with those emotions at all. he's scared. he's more afraid of that happening again than of anything else. and AFO knows that, and that's why he's resorted to his current tactics, which have isolated Deku even further and caused him to push even All Might away.

what Deku is missing right now, and what he needs to have restored, is trust. trust is the antidote to fear. and when you're as scared as Deku is, it takes an extraordinary amount of assurance in order to ease those fears. basically you don't want to place your faith in anything less than an absolutely sure thing.

but Kacchan is exactly that. this is the exact type of situation that Kacchan's "aiming for the top" overkill confidence was made for. he's the one who never loses!! the hero who's going to surpass all other heroes!! Deku inherited All Might's compassion, but Kacchan inherited his determination. Kacchan is someone who brings reassurance. his confidence is unwavering. and in the end, I think it will be strong enough to pull even Deku back out from the darkness.

he is strong.

Kacchan is Deku's rival in every sense of the word, and I fully believe he's capable of matching him step for step even now. and so Deku can try to push him away, but Kacchan is capable of withstanding that force and staying his ground. Deku can try to run, but Kacchan still has him matched for speed. and as a last resort, Deku can even try to defeat him -- but Kacchan won't ever concede to defeat.

and all of this ties back into what I was saying about trust. because Kacchan is strong. strong enough not to die. strong enough to live. strong enough to not make others worry about him. and that's what Deku so desperately needs right now in order to finally let go of his fears. Deku needs someone who can get him to trust in others again, and to do that, he has to be able to trust in their strength.

and last but not least...

he has a secret weapon up his sleeve.

several, as a matter of fact. his hero name reveal. his apology, if he chooses to give it now (though I could see him waiting for a more sincere moment, rather than whipping it out now when it could be misconstrued as a manipulation tactic). but perhaps most importantly...

never underestimate the power of an iconic role reversal. because that's what I'm getting at here, if it wasn't clear lol. this probably would have worked better if I had a picture of him actually reaching out to Deku. but I mean, that's kind of the point lol. I don't have one because he hasn't done it yet. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE. good luck withstanding that, Deku.

so yeah. look at all that. he really is a one-man Deku-saving army. which is not to say that the other kids won't have a part to play as well, or that it's not important for them to be there, because it is. but as far as the lead role goes, it's Kacchan. like that astronaut meme guy says. always has been.

oh and as a bonus he was smart enough to finally leave the mask at home today lol. LET DEKU SEE THE SINCERITY IN YOUR EYES. YESSSSSSS.

#bnha 318 #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bnha meta #bakugou meta #deku meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks

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animeyanderelover · 3 years

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Hello again! Can I have prompt 46 with Ash? Tnx

Recently I told my friend that I had a lot of requests about him and she laughed about it. She doesn't really like him, but she gives him credit since he looks good.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, extreme paranoia, isolation, desperation, mentions of kidnapping,overprotectiveness, mentions of self-harm, Stockholm syndrome

Prompt 46: "Can I...can I kiss you?"

It was nothing less than a miracle that someone like you existed, someone who was cleansed from all the sins of this world and the corruption of humans. You were radiating with everything Ash had wanted for this world, a world that he wanted to give to you. It was the minimum from what she should and would do for you, it was his duty as your very own guardian angel. A role he was utterly dedicated too, devoted to his very own angel who forgave him his sins every time.

It was true, you had forgiven him his crimes already a long time ago as everything around you had started to fade away and you had lost count of how long exactly you had been stuck in here. Somewhere around one and a half years would be your expectation, looking on how the seasons had changed through the large and closed windows which symbolized your loss of freedom. But you didn't mind anymore.

You only needed and wanted Ash, your guardian angel.

There was clear tension in his body, you could feel how he stiffened up under your embrace. He had never really received that sort of affection before from anyone nor would he have ever wanted it from all those worthless lives walking around freely. You were the only person he actually wanted any sort of touches from. That was how pure you were, even causing someone like him craving something and falling victim to his own desires. And it was his own fault for being so weak-minded. He didn't deserve you yet letting you perish outside would be an even greater sin. He had to keep you safe.

"My Queen...what are you doing?"

Being able to keep his composure was important in front of you, though he remembered to have failed multiple times in the past already. Severe punishment was the only thing he could think of to atone for his failures for not being good enough, for proving himself to be so incredibly useless. Even now he could feel some unhealed wounds aching a bit, but you didn't have to know about his weakness and incompetence.

You blinked slightly confused up at him when he asked you such an obvious question, but it soon turned into slight giggling that instantly plunged Ash's heart into painfully warm emotions and forced his eyes to get wet. It had taken a while until you had been able to look so happy after he had quickly rescued you from all the evil waiting to devour you. The distress he had felt back then could never be put in words and no burns, knifes and broken bones had been able to make up for what you had been suffering under. Even now it remained as a anxiety deeply stuck in his heart. But looking at you now, smiling at him and not staring with wide eyes filled with fear at him, was worth much more than his whole life could ever repay you.

"I’m hugging you. It’s just that you always look so worried and stressed over my safety and never appear to take a rest. Just now you did as well so I thought this might help you a bit. A strong hug can be more worth than thousand words after all. That’s what my mother told me at least when I was younger.”, you replied softly, pressing your face deeper into his chest with a content look on your face.

There was nothing Ash could think of for a few moments, instead he seared the scene in front of him deep into his brain, how you were currently buried into his chest, looking so happy and peaceful. So stunning and precious.

Tears were quick to escape his eyes only seconds later, his insides stirring up with warmth that stung him and yet baked him with something he hadn’t felt in so long. Comfort and peace.

This was exactly why he had to protect you with his very own life, no one was allowed to snuff out the light you carried inside of you and that was able to even share it’s warmth with him. You possessed too much kindness to understand, but normal humans only destroyed what they touched, ruining it with their greed.

He wouldn’t let them do the same to you.

He would kill everyone who would even do as much as getting too close.

He just had to guarantee that you would live.

But first of all he had to calm himself down or otherwise he might worry you even more than he seemed to have done already. The tears were quickly wiped away with his sleeves before Ash was able to look at you again, still feeling like he wanted to continue crying. His heart felt like it might burst at any moment.

“You have so much warmth and love inside of you that I don’t think I deserve any of it. You shouldn’t even be concerned about me, I merely do what I have to do as your guardian. If you were to fall victim to this damned place, I would perish as well. What use is an angel who can’t even protect their chosen one?”

Pain was twisting his voice and face a bit when he dared to imagine how a world without you would be, a world filled with grief and darkness for him. Letting his guard down would be a fatal mistake, he had seen the worst of this world and the humans and he knew that it would happen again. That was why he had to be like this for you were his heart beating outside his chest. If something were to ever happen to you...

The angel hadn't even noticed that he had already started crying again, fist tightened and body shaking whilst getting lost in fears of losing the one good and bright thing this world had still left.

"But for me you're more than just a guardian angel. You're my angel and I want you to feel happy as well. I want you to feel loved as well. You do so much for me, but I feel like I only cause you stress and uneasiness. Shouldn't you be happy because of me?", you asked him in slight protest, feeling sadness whilst seeing the man you had come to love like this again because of you. You had never seen him truly relaxed nor had you ever been able to show him your feelings. He wouldn't let you, not thinking that he deserved you.

His reaction was instant, suddenly falling on his knees upon hearing from what you had said that he had disappointed you yet again, the visible look of your sorrow only stabbing his fear deeper into his very soul.

"I-I am so sorry! I didn't know that you felt this way only because I was so selfish to only think about myself like this! I don't deserve your forgiveness and accept any sort of-"

When he felt the soft sensation of your hands cupping his stained cheeks, he abruptly stopped his rambling, trying to not choke on his own breath that had gotten irregular.

"You don't have to apologize to me. I don't want to hear you saying such things about yourself. Don't you understand? I am unhappy whenever you are like this, seeing yourself as so worthless and not deserving of my love. That's what hurts me so much. You're rejecting my feelings. I love you, Ash. And I want to know if you do too. Because if you do, please stop talking like this and behave so distantly."

Your voice conveyed every bit emotion that was going on inside of you in that moment, something that Ash noticed with widened eyes as well.

Silence was cut short by him when he realized that you wanted something crucial from him which he would gladly give you. He had never considered that you would ever consider his love as something you wanted, consider him as someone you loved. When had been the last time someone had been truly kind to him and loved him? He couldn't remember anymore.

"Of course I do. You should never doubt my feelings for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. It's impossible to function without you.", he managed to reply with a shaking voice as he grabbed both of your hands in his own.

"Then why are you acting like this? Everyone deserves someone who loves them. Without love it's a very painful life, isn't it? That's why I am hurting as well. Let me love you and I promise that you'll be able to feel peace as well.", you muttered slightly embarrassed out, leaning your head down so your forehead could rest against his own.

Slight sobs were starting to catch up to Ash as he was staring in pure awe at you.

"Thank you. I'll be better and make sure that I won't cause you sadness anymore.", he pressed out, tightening his grip on your hands only the slightest bit so he wouldn't hurt you.

"I'm glad to hear that.", you replied with a sincere smile on your face, joy stirring your heart up just by seeing that for the first time since he had abducted you, Ash was looking relieved and less tense. He just looked extremely grateful.

"May I ask you for a favor then?", you requested with a certain idea in mind.

"I'll do anything for you.", Ash replied, sounding very emotional.

"I want to do something for you for once since you normally do anything for me."

Hesitation and clear dislike instantly shadowed his face, the thought of him asking something from you going against Ash's belief in all the wrong ways. You shouldn't have to do him favors.

"It doesn't have to be something difficult. It can be a really simple thing. Just...something that I can do for you this once. Please.", you begged slightly, seeing the angel already struggling. You knew how he felt about such things, he hated letting you do something for him and he had never done it before either. Ash saw it only upon himself to serve you which was another thing that sometimes made you feel guilty. You wanted to do more for him as well.

"Can I...can I kiss you?"

Maybe that had been more a slip of his tongue, but he had been slightly panicking since hadn't want to sadden you again nor had he wanted you to do physical work for him. It was supposed to be the other way around.

So when he had stared for a moment at your face, eyes locked on your lips, he had considered somewhere deep in his mind possibilities which he had been fantasizing about a few times before, but hadn't thought that they would actually have a change of happening.

In his opinion they were still sinful, it would take a while for him to get used to the idea that you wanted to receive physical affection and love from him. The first impulse when he realized what he had said was instantly apologizing, only to be interrupted before he could even start saying anything.

You had already leaned down to fulfill him his wish before he could take it back again.

#yandere black butler #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere ash #yandere ash landers

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strikerandoverachiever · 3 years

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Chapter 160 Spoilers

Ok, so, spoilers for chapter 160 of Blue Lock are out and they can be found here below:

https://mobile.twitter.com/rayugax101

For starters, I’ll say it like this: NONE OF MY PREDICTIONS CAME TRUE AND I’M NOT BOTHERED BY IT IN THE LEAST.

Why am I not bothered, you may ask & the answer is simple: BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS ALL BACHIRA.

FROM START TO FINISH, IT IS ALL BACHIRA.

FROM THE FIRST PANEL, ON THE FIRST PAGE

TO THE LAST PANEL, OF THE LAST PAGE,

IT IS ALL BACHIRA AND I AM LIVING FOR IT!

(Does this also mean that Kunigami’s flashbacks are going to follow in tandem? This gives me hope they might.)

First of all, I don’t know Japanese, so any understanding of what’s happening in these spoilers comes from either Google Translate or my intuition… aided by Google Translate, so let’s keep that in mind.😅

Now, in the begining, we see Bachira mentioning BPM, “beats per minute”, which, as far as I know, refers to the rate at which the heart beats, so… we’re either going to see some Demon Slayer level movements… or Bachira dance.

Next, we have Bachira vibing with his coach; couldn’t have asked for anything better! 😂👍🏻❤️😂👍🏻❤️😂👍🏻❤️

Another important part is when Lavinho starts talking about, what I presume, is his philosophy.

Now, the translation from Google here seems to be, for the most part, pretty decent, so I’m going to share it will you all:

“Okay kid. No matter who says what, I'm the best in the world. [Inside of me, I have one, the best in the world -this part I am unsure of]. It doesn't belong to anyone. It ’s just my imagination”

Here, you can see something light up inside Bachira and you all know what it is: THE KNOWLEDGE THAT LAVINHO IS TALKING ABOUT THE MONSTER.

On another note, regarding the artwork… SOMEONE, PLEASE, PLEASE COLOUR THIS PANEL!!!

Back to the story, look at Bachira go!😆❤️❤️❤️

Devoting himself to his training, I love that he works hard for what he wants and isn’t afraid to try out everything he can to improve himself:

And this following part, really gets to me, for many different reasons, one of them being because it’s mirroring Isagi’s conversation with Noel Noa from chapter 158, which is something that we often see with Bachira and Isagi and in my pov, this creates an even stronger link between them. And when they’re not mirroring eachother, they have such a strong connection, they think about the same things and see the same sceneries.

They inspire

each other.

BACHIRA: I believed in you, so I won.

ISAGI: I believed in you, Bachira.

BACHIRA: You too, have a monster inside of you, Isagi.

ISAGI: I want to know more about the monster inside of me.

BACHIRA: If it’s just the two of us, I think we might score a goal. Wanna go?

ISAGI: Let’s go!

ISAGI: I didn’t know the ball was going to be there, but I was hoping, so I just ran.

BACHIRA: I saw you, Isagi, that’s why I passed it to you.

ISAGI: My goal?

BACHIRA: That’s right, remember your goal, Isagi.

ISAGI: You can’t change others, so you have to change yourself.

BACHIRA: In this whole wide world, the only one who can rescue me, is myself.

BACHIRA: Both the U-20 Team and this field will fall to the two of us!

ISAGI: Our football can break through even the U-20 Team!

ISAGI: Let’s see what you’ve got, Monster!

BACHIRA: Outta my way, Egoist!

WE EVEN SAW WHAT BOTH OF THEIR DAYS WERE LIKE WHEN THEY RECEIVED THE BLUE LOCK INVITATION.

And now, we have this:

Bachira is asking what he can do to become even better and though the translations are wonkly and incomplete at this part, I get the feeling that Lavinho is telling him to take it to the next stage by using his imagination, which, may sound different from what Noel Noa told Isagi, however, I believe this is not the kind of imagination where one becomes a knight battling dragons, but more of a visualization where one envisions what they must do in order to reach a new evolution.

So, what 2 coaches with apparently different approaches and temperaments are telling their 2 different students, is, at least in my opinion, the same:

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TO TAKE IT FURTHER AND TAKE IT FURTHER, UNTIL YOU BECOME THE VERY BEST.

(Going off on a bit of a tanget, but if Noel Noa and Lavinho turn out to be the kind of friends that Isagi and Bachira are, then I’m gonna LOSE IT.)

From this point on, Bachira pulls the kind of moves that only he can pull, which I think maybe Isagi is analyzing? I’m not too sure, but anyway, the last panel we arrive at is the one waaaaay above, Bachira VS Kunigami. Unfortunately, I’ve reached the limit of how many images can be inserted in a post, so I can’t post those here, but the link is at the very top, so you can see them if you access it.

Now, all that’s left is to look forward to the next chapter while gushing over Bachir-, I mean, this chapter! (But no, seriously, Bachira!!!)😉😆❤️❤️❤️ Bye! 😄👋🏻

#blue lock #bllk #source: twitter #blue lock 160 spoilers #bllk 160 spoilers #blue lock spoilers #bllk spoilers #blue lock chapter 160 #blue lock chapter 160 spoilers #bllk chapter 160 spoilers

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nenithil · 3 years

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About Hans and Shadis, and their insight on humanity(1)

Hans is often regarded as too pure and naive, or doesn't that understand human nature(comparing to Erwin or Armin), has unrealistic illusions about human beings and over-idealized.She even rejects selfish desires, this impression particularly comes from C71, when she scolded Shadis: To give up the individual and dedicate the heart to the public, it's like that,isn't it?

It's a very powerful scene. At first glance, I also feel a kind of frightening moral cleanliness from their words, but combined with other plots, I don't think so.

On the contrary, I began to think that her eyesight and response to people's mind are very sharp. She has usually appeared very joyful, it's not because she is naive or only looked at the good aspects of the world, or really had a very happy life,but because she focused on objective work and generally would not be distracted from those kinds of nonsense.

There are many descriptions of this kind of things in smartpass. For example: In "crimes inside the wall", Levi mentioned that the Survey Corps often cooperates with some members from aristocracy in gray areas for financial needs: "There are not a few rich men who make use of criminals... For example, smuggling or assassinating opponents in trade. They are too professional to be tracked. Even if they are unluckily caught, they could just deny that they knew it. Before, there are some just soldiers who tracked them down. Finally, they found that the behind the scenes was actually the sponsor of the corps. Similar events emerge one after another." Eren was very angry when he heard this, which made Levi even wonder if he said too much to youngsters. He went back to discuss it with Hans. Hans replied: "If it's something you will know sooner or later, it doesn't matter whenever you say it." "Teaching new people what's reality is an important task for senior superiors! I don't think you did anything wrong, Levi."

And in smartpass about Eren: When she first met ERen, she performed psychological investigations on Eren, asked him about his dreams and made some comments, which showed that she at least knew psychology well. She even said to Eren: "Apart from the fact that you can shift into a titan, you seem to be an ordinary kid, Eren." "I mean, at least, I don't feel some violent nature from you, like what they discussed in the court." It doesn't really matter whether Eren is an ordinary child, but Hans's words could greatly comfort Eren, who was regarded as a monster, anxious and self doubted at that time. What she said would make him feel closer to the Corps. She made her comments on him on practical purposes, not to show her judgment.

This reminds me of her comfort to Mikasa in the Manga during "midnight sun". In order to prevent Mikasa from snatching injection, she expressed her understanding and closeness to Mikasa's pain and told her, "but we have to move forward".

she accurately saw that Mikasa was not really that kind of people who only cared about the life of her own friends, totally disregarding for the lives of others,but was just unwilling to let it go for the moment. So she chose comfort rather than admonishment.

She don't need much cover up with her words, but always enter the truest part of the heart.

We can imagine what will happen,if she criticized Mikasa for "only caring for personal desires and ignoring the interest of public"and asked Mikasa to" give up her personal feelings and devote yourself to mankind ",as any critics did in some forum. She can stop Mikasa not only because of her kindness but also her wisdom.

In smartpass:Shelter from the Rain ：Hange&Jean，she also showed her interest and understand of 104: "At present, people who can make calm judgments are very valuable." Hange said this because she had come into contact with the "power" of Jean's contemporaries,and she knew that they could not be controlled merely by giving orders as a superior. "Armin is smart, and he's always been self-abase about his lack of strength... I think we have to get him on our side..."

There are a lot of details like this in smartpass. Even for Erwin, who is generally considered the most enigmatic, Hange offered a rather unique perspective in his personal interview:

Hange： Charismatic, unshakeable faith, he would not mind sacrificing himself or others for the goal…well, he tries to maintain that kind of outer appearance. Hange: He might not be too happy if I say too much out loud. What I told you just now, it might be something that he shows to the public…however, even if you were to peel off that appearance, you still wouldn’t be able to see his true personality. That’s my personal opinion about it. H: Even so, he is someone that we can trust. If we leave the situation to Erwin he will evaluate it, and we therefore rely on the commander. If he wasn’t trustworthy, he would have been stabbed in the back. This is not something that is only limited to a commander though.

She haven't idealized Erwin so much, but regarded his appearance as "shows to the public," she confessed her doubts about his true personality and haven't even overestimated his morality,or selflessness, as Levi did. She just said pragmatically that if he would make the right decisions, I would trust him

In her own interview, she said: Erwin’s active support of my research has been very helpful. And I’ve heard that he also has doubts about how this world was formed?

She thanked Erwin for his support and then without further comment, but she clearly caught the core desire of Erwin: doubts about how this world was formed

If regardless of smartpass, she also showed her sharpness towards humanity many times in the manga: C52 her threat to Sannes:

She accurately summarized the reasons that ordinary people would use to make excuses for doing evil.

This is also why she can quickly come up with a ferocious plan to deceive Sannes into confession. She knows their kind well

Similarly, in C60, when facing journalists who wrote false news and slandered their dead subordinates, she also showed tolerance for weakness of human, and performed her skill of getting closer to others.

She may have succeeded in persuading Fregel,who would rather live a miserable life, in similar way (the manga doesn't describe it in detail, and I doubt even Isayama doesn't know how to write.

She is regarded as an "over idealistic" commander, but she still said such words:

Her words have described Hizuru's intention to monopolize resources, which can only be inferred by herself. At the same time, she also speculated that countries regard eldia as a scapegoat to maintain their domestic unity. It shows that she has basic insight and understanding of politics. Particularly, if compared with Armin:

... well, I don't know why Isym wrote like this. Armin is not like a naive kid to ask suchquestions. I regard it as a simple emotional vent. Here I can even understand why Eren showed such a disdainful face,Lmao

Hans obviously won't believe Mikasa's words, which are indeed too simple, but their kindness did give Hans some strength, or positive feelings, making her focus on what she can do - surveying and understanding the world, striving for friendship with others, rather than what can't be changed- all countries are selfish, they deceive citizens and don't mind doing harm to others in order to maintain their "rule".

PS: the plots that I like most about Mikasa in manga almost are with Hans. I'm happy to guess that Hans gets along well with individual having this kind of character (like Levi)

These are my views on this side of Hans. She can see and master the complex and dark side of people skillfully, although she still tends to look at the good side of them. She treats other as human-being with their own weakness and uniqueness. She would not judge others without considering the specific situation

So about C71, I think what she said to Shadis was not because she is too naive, or being so strict with others to ask them to give up their personal desire, but because of the special relationship between them.

TBC..

#hanji zoe #hans zoe #hange zoe #commander hanji #snk analysis

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thompsonstessa-moved · 3 years

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Måneskin interview for TVN24 - english translation

Few days ago an interview (on video) with Måneskin came out in Poland on TVN24 channel, sadly its paywalled on their site (and the tv only showed a bit).

However, I got a transcript of it and decided to translate it for you guys :D

Also, while the interview took place in Poland (day before the Sopot festival), the interviewer knew italian, so they talked in italian and the TV translated it to polish (and dubbed them!!! :( ). So I hope theres nothing that like, got lost in translation twice.

Also its 2am now so the translation might not be the most perfect, but you'll definitely get the gist of what they were saying!!

The whole thing is under the 'keep reading' :)

First of all – congratulations on the San Remo and Eurovision wins! I just want you to know how happy you made my mom – she listens to your music for 3 years now. How are you feeling today?

D: We feel good, tho we’re tired as well. We travel a lot, but we’re happy. We meet new fans, new opportunities are coming up. It’s really nice.

How did you guys meet? When looking at you, you have this sense of unity and just good vibes. How did it all start?

D: We know each other for a long time.

V: Yeah, Since middle school. Me, Thomas and Damiano were playing in different bands, but they weren’t the best. Thet all disbanded. Then we posted in a facebook group ’looking for a musician in rome’ and found Ethan. Since then we started doing music for real. We devoted ourselves to the music, and… the rest just came naturally.

E: Yes. We knew it’s gonna be our life since day one.

What did you say In the post, when looking for the fourth member of the band?

V: I wrote ”looking for a drummer for an indie rock/new wave band”.

E: That’s true, there was new wave in it too.

I’m sure a lot of people replied.

V: No, actually only Ethan replied. But we found that post lately and now it’s full of comments like „why didn’t i reply back then!”

T: Ethan was really lucky.

What did your parents thought about your choice (to pursue music)? A rockstar lifestyle isn’t exactly what every parent wants for their child.

D: No, our parents are really content with it. They know what we do makes us happy, and of course we visit them whenever we can. And they are proud of us as well, because they see we’re happy and independent, travelling all over the Europe, and hopefully all over the world. I think every parent wants their kid to be satisfied and happy.

And friends? Are you still friends with the same people, or did the friendships fell apart?

D: We still have the same friends. And we’re sure that way that they are our real friends.

Do they understand your current lifestyle, that you can dissapear for a year?

V: Yeah, they all understand that this is our job, that our life is a bit irregular, but, like everything, it has its ups and downs.

E: Exactly, they understand, but they also miss us. Sometimes my mom calls and says ”I miss you, you’ve been gone for so long”. It’s normal. But what’s important is that we feel the support from our families and friends. They understand that you need to sacrifice a lot, to achieve a lot.

Can you still easily go ands grab a beer in the Rome neighbourhoods (districts?) of Pigneto or Trastevere? Or is it impossible now?

V: The only truly safe place for us is Trastevere, because we always lived there. Everyone there knows us and they don’t care we’re famous.

D: But I have to admit that since they whole Eurovision thing we still didn’t come back, so it’s hard to say for sure.

T: But let’s say that its a safe space.

Don’t you worry that now that whole world knows you, you’ll be followed by tourists?

V: Oh my god, you’re right, we didn’t think about it!

D: When we came back to Rome for one day I got excited when one tourist stopped me. ”Cool, I got stopped by a tourist” – now it’s normal.

T: It gives us joy.

V: It’s beautiful.

E: Wonderful.

V: We’re not complaining.

D: Long live the tourists!! (that one was kinda weird to translate)

You started by playing on Via Del Corso, now you’re international stars. I’m wondering, do you still feel the same when playing together as before? Do you have fun making music together? Or do you miss the simpler times and would love to go back to Via del Corso and play something spontaneously?

V: No, we’re still spontaneus. It’s really important for us, and we make sure people who work with us understand that. We’re really adamant about it. Music needs to remain beautiful, spontaneus and natural thing for us. We never worked with someone who would write lyrics for us. No one ever told us what we can and cannot do. We still feel the exact same feelings in studio and on stage that we felt when we were just getting started. It’s the purest thing for us. We want to have fun and feel free to express ourselves.

T: Exactly, especially that music is our driving force. Without music, we wouldn't have all the beautiful things we do. We focus only on music, and the rest comes to us.

Let’s imagine a situation where you just started ma king a song, and everyone has a different idea for it. How do you work that out? And who’s idea wins most of the time?

V: There are two options in this situation: we try every idea, and if none works, we throw the song away.

E: It doesn’t work. (that one is kinda untranslateable?)

V: Or we really work on it and fight till the end.

D: Exactly. Sometimes, but that pretty rare, one of us has a particular idea on how to do the song, and manages to convince us (to the idea). but it’s not an order, it’s a dialogue. An attempt to make everyone think the same way. I need to say that it was much harder in the past, because we were still searching for our sound, and each tried to push the rest into their way of thinking. But now we’re more aware of what we want to create, so it’s coming out in much more natural way.

E: Faster.

D: Not really faster, because it takes a lot of time to create new songs, but it’s easier, we don’t argue that much anymore.

T: It’s really cool, because everyone gives something from themselves to the song. (my brain kinda blanked here, sorry xD) Just like Damiano said, there are days when Vic has one idea for a song, I have another idea, Damiano has his own idea, Ethan as well… But it’s a whole creative process where we all contribute, and it’s pretty stimulating.

D: Everyone feels appreciated. It’s really important when it’s four of us.

What are the biggest signs that you became huge international stars?

V: We really realize that when we’re having concerts. Where we can see our audience and we can see that people really care about us. That they took time and money to listen to us. Now that we’re travelling across Europe, the amount of people stopping us on the streets really shows how many people know about us. People are waiting for us in front of our hotels. We didn’t think it would be like that. But we feel nothing but affection and warmth from them.

How was Eurovision for you from the backstage? Anything atypical?

D: No, it was all great. We played ping-pong.

V: Did rehearsals.

E: Interviews.

D: Yes, interviews. And ping-pong.

When you we’re in Paris, did anyone mention the drug allegations that came from French people during the finale, that kinda became a diplomatic incident?

D: Yeah, you could say that it was mentioned.

They don’t resent you? Or maybe you resent France?

D: No. To feel that about the whole country would be too much of a generalization. Of course there were people who were really vocal about it, but we don’t feel any sort of resentment. It’s in the past for us. We knew they were just primitive accusations. We did what it deserved – talked a bit about it, I volunteered to do the test, and they (the accusators) were sure it had to be false. It got ridiculous, so we just stopped talking about it. We want to talk about out music, our art. The rest is just meaningless.

Right now, LGBTQ rights are a hot topic both in Italy and in Poland. You mentioned freedom of being different and being yourself on several occasions. Do you think you can change the world on this matter as musicians?

D: Maybe not change the world, but we can definitely contribute. Speak the voice of those who can’t. We have a huge following on social media, on stage, on TV, so we feel responsibility to talk about what’s important to us. We hope that something will change because of us, but we don’t consider ourselves as the ones to set the standards of justice and change. We do what we can do, and if we know enough about it, we talk about it. We don’t want to put someone elses words into ours mouths.

#maneskin #måneskin #damiano david #victoria de angelis #ethan torchio #thomas raggi #maneskin interview #måneskin interview #*mine

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drivingsideways · 3 years

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Melo is My Nature Review

Well, as usual, I’m late to the party! I picked up 2019′s Melo is my Nature/ Be Melodramatic with some trepidation since I was (am!) still smarting a bit from the disappointment that’s Hospital Playlist S2, and I wasn’t quite ready for another.

I’m so glad I gave it a chance! While it isn’t a “perfect” series- in the nature of the world *sigh*- its combination of quirky, clever, self-aware humour and heartfelt performances won me over from the first episode.

More thoughts under the cut (along with some spoilers)

I’m very fond of ensemble dramas that love their characters, and “Melo is my Nature” does that very well. Perhaps a little too well, to the point that you feel the writers letting themselves be more than a little indulgent during the middle stretch of the episodes. But I can’t complain too much, because yes, I know the feeling! “Side characters” that refuse to stay in the lane and take over the narrative are also my favourites, as a writer and a viewer. I loved, loved, loved Lee Joo-bin as the flighty-but-amazingly-smart Lee So-min; that felt like such a delightful clap-back against the prevailing sentiment that often goes against young, successful women and the ridiculous levels of expectations of them, in how they need to perform gender and femininity and smartness. I loved that (like Emma! There’s a lot of Jane in this series!) the writers managed to make her likeable even though they never disregard her flaws or its consequences.

Another performance/ character that I totally adored was Baek Ji-won as Jeong Hye-jeong, the industry maven who may be (?) a nod to Kim Eun-sook, I suppose! I was afraid at some point that they’d just trash her character, by making her a little too ridiculous in an unkind way, but I found some of the loveliest scenes involved her- like the one where she tells Jin-joo to do the work, but not be too successful. In the end, there was a love and fondness for her, a genuine empathy, that really was core to what made this show so successful.

Shout out also to two of the weirdest characters I’ve watched, but thoroughly loved- Heo Joon-seok as Director Dong-gi & Lee Ji-min as Nutritionist (?) Da-mi. I absolutely adored that the only wedding in this series is between these two, and they do it in a completely predictably-unusual way.

Re: the “main” characters, I loved all of them without exception, though some more than the others :) One of the things I love about the show is how real and present the three female leads feel; they feel like whole, entire people rather than caricatures of them, even when the show reaches almost unusual levels of quirky. I love that a through-line of the narrative is how important women’s labour is- to themselves. The work they do, which is acknowledged as a part of their identity rather than just something they do to pay bills (though of course there’s acknowledgement of that aspect too!), their hunger to do it well and for it to matter- all of that is portrayed in a way that’s charming but still taken very seriously. And the way you know that its taken seriously is in the things they focus on- how Oh Jin-joo struggles to write alone, and how Han-joo’s learning to be someone’s mentor while struggling with her own insecurities, and how lost Eun-jung feels, when work which was supposed to give her purpose fails her in a time of crisis, and how unmoored she feels without it.

Re: the romance- I’m someone predisposed to dislike heterosexual romance, especially at the present moment, so it’s always with a great deal of hesitation that I start watching shows that I know have a large romance component. It’s always a bit of a coin toss for me whether the show will end up making me hate the romance or just about tolerate it. I rarely expect to *like * it. So “Melo is my Nature” was a pleasant surprise! This is one of the few series where I felt the writers put in the work to sell the “main romance” of the show. You get to know the Oh Jin-joo and Beom-soo in sharply etched sketches before they move into the romance part (with a lot of tongue-in-cheek meta humour about the formulaic nature of tv romances). I genuinely felt that thrill of “oh this could go platonic or romantic and I would like either” slowly ease into “oh my god these two are MEANT TO BE”, because the Romance is clearly in the all the ways they are NOT meant to be, but also, very, very definitely are. DELICIOUS. Just my cup of Jane Austen in a different context/ time.

Through most of the show though, my heart was divided between two characters- Jeon Yeo-bin’s stellar Eun-jung and Han Ji-eun’s pitch perfect Han-joo. Jeon Yeo-bin brought edginess, dark humour and a deep, almost- inconsolable grief to Eun-jung. Some of the stand out scenes of the entire series are hers: the moment where she watches herself on video talking to an imaginary person, and the moment she breaks down in front of the psych after talking about her mother. Watching this show, it really felt like- oh, she’s a star. Consider me sold on her for life (though, no, I will not watch Vincenzo unless there’s a Hong Cha-young supercut out there, in which case, please put it in my eyeballs now)

Han Ji-eun, imho, actually pulled off the toughest performance, because I think Han-joo’s strength of character is so often concealed by her “silliness” (in a similar vein to So-min’s), and that often makes her someone you’d overlook or not take seriously. But god, she broke my heart, from the scene in the first episode where she’s sitting alone at a table after a rough day and watching her horrible ex live his best life to the hilarious and excruciating “Oppa” scene, to the one where her kid is quite unconsciously cruel to her in the way kids can be. I was disappointed in the way they dropped the “reveal” about whom she’s dating in the last episode- not that I wanted her to be in an romance with Jae-hoon, god, NO- but it felt quite clunky. This is one of the two complaints I have with the show.

The second one is that starting from the middle, episodes began to noticeably feel like scenes/ sketches spliced together. Each scene is, within itself, perfectly written and performed, but the seams between the stories began to show. I felt one of the main reasons was that Eun-jung’s trauma tonally felt like it belonged in another show, but instead it had to get stitched into the mostly happy/ frothy storylines of the other characters. Sure, we had Hae-joon and his girlfriend’s terrible relationship, but the show had an easier time integrating that by way of Han-joo.

That said, I love how clever this show is! I love that it loves its own cleverness and can’t resist the urge to show it off- from all the meta references, in-universe jokes, and oh, that entire episode devoted to farting, complete with a song about it, which I think maybe my fave episode of the series. A great look at the place of performance in intimate relationships (and how the women bear the burden of it more than the men), but coming at it from a place of compassion and humour rather than anger. Love that choice, for the show and us!

I think @rain-hat mentioned in a comment here or twitter that Melo feels like a part of a triangle of shows along with Run On and Search : WWW. I’m inclined to swap out Run On for Rookie Historian, or huh, maybe change the triangle for a quadrangle? Rookie Historian dares to imagine a past where our protagonist is (mostly) unshackled by the patriarchy and in the “modern” ending to its main heterosexual romance, reminds us that people have always found ways to find joy and thrive outside the rigid bounds of society. Search: WWW goes about it in the opposite direction- placing us in a present/future where the patriarchy doesn’t and hasn’t ever mattered. Melo, I think, doesn’t quite do that, but in common with both these shows, it refuses to focus on the trauma of living under such structural violence, and instead talks about how we all (irrespective of gender) can find a way to remain unbroken by it. And while both Search:WWW and Melo do well at queer-platonic relationships as an alternate to the heterosexual project, it’s Run On, I think, which goes furthest there- firstly because though ostensibly structured around a het romance, that romance turns out to be falling in love with yourself/ loving yourself; secondly because it’s most explicitly queer in the choices that the characters make and the lives that they choose for themselves- Min-joo & May are each others darlings and will be for life, Yeong-hwa and Ki Seon-gyeom are allowed a tenderness in their friendship that feels like an explicit repudiation of toxic masculinity, and of course, you have May being asexual, but not aromantic, and Goh Ye-jun’s whole arc of accepting himself as a gay man, and finding acceptance of that identity from others.

Anyway! tl;dr would recommend (and have recommended!) Melo is my Nature to anyone fond of women, clever story telling and also ridiculously happy songs.

#kdrama #melo is my nature #be melodramatic #i gotta build a master list of my reviews #if only to save myself from tag and search misery #i'm a queue for you

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downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles · 4 years

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What a relationship with the Turtles is like: (SFW, Bayverse, fem reader)

Leo

• honestly he's such a gentleman

• he's all about being dignified and mature, so he treats you how he thinks a lady should be treated, and much more

• like any of them, he is protective of you, but knows you're trustworthy. He's not insecure about your relationship and seldom has any doubts of your devotion. Confidence is key; a skill he developed from years of being leader.

• he respects you so much. He makes you feel strong in your own ways and definitely brings out the best in you. On the flip side, you've made him realize that he needs to learn to be a bit more vulnerable when it's appropriate.

• treats you gingerly but doesn't let you become complacent. He won't try to budge your limits, but he'll slowly and surely encourage you toward them, eventually either breaking through or getting there. He worked subtly to coax you out of your comfort zone as your metaphorical shell when you first got together.

• also treats you gingerly, physically—he has refinement and self control, so he's not afraid of accidentally harming you as Mikey or Raph would. When he hugs you, it's always gentle and soft, and his muscular arms seem to hold you so well.

• sometimes you may see him as being stern with you, but it's always coming from a place of love and admiration. He wouldn't give you a challenge he didn't think you could handle.

• as you indulge in his activities and hobbies of his such as training, meditating, etc, he takes interest in your hobbies too. He'll set aside time to do things you love with you, but still keeps his routine.

• unfortunately is a little emotionally constipated; doesn't always express how he feels if he's unsure. But will come to you if he's really floundering and confide in you, and Splinter as well.

• really, he wants to see you grow as a person, and he wants to be the one to facilitate that. Perhaps he'll learn to be more open about his feelings with your help, too.

• you two sometimes bicker a bit about his lack of communication, because even though he's used to being mediator, relationships and new priorities (you and your wants and needs) are a new thing, so he needs time to adjust to the new lifestyle.

• no matter what though he can't imagine life without you now that he has you in it.

• he makes it out to you like he's sure that he'll always be there to defend you, but secretly thinks about situations where he wouldn't be quite often. He didn't voice his concern to you and instead masks his desire to teach you to fight to the best of your ability as just a way to get exercise and fit in, but it's more than just an activity to him; your ability to hold your own when it comes down to it is incredibly important to him.

Donnie

• Donnie needs to have someone he can be on the same wavelength with. Because so much of his time is consumed by his hobbies and activities, he loves for you to join him in his research and studies and occasionally to shadow him as he works on gadgets and such.

• is very attentive and is always keen to ask you questions. There's always something new to learn about a person, so although he loves it when you show interest in his things, he is keen on learning more about what makes you, you.

• a lot of late nights in his lab with him. He's a bit manic some nights about his research, so he stays up late, late into the night, sometimes becoming so distracted that he doesn't notice you falling asleep. He always silently kicks himself for letting himself get that consumed by his work and would gently pick you up, carrying you back to bed.

• the way he shows affection is by talking and getting to know you more. He's a major multitasker, so sometimes he'll have you sitting in his lap, him asking you things, all the while working on something.

• if it's important, he sometimes gets a little too distracted by his work. This has caused a couple of small squabbles, but it's imperative that you understand his devotion to his work as much as you.

• is also a sucker for sharing music, so he sets up playlists of his ever-changing list of favorite songs all the time.

• at times you get a bit confused at how little he'll talk about himself, because he'll just keep asking you questions about yourself rather than talk about his own stuff. As soon as you get that boat sailing, though, he can't shut up about his joys and interests, and his real self really shines through in those moments. He really is adorable when he gets into a topic he loves.

• can be a little insecure about your relationship at times; he's a bit of a worrywart so he has to be reminded by you that your relationship is amazing and he's perfect. He gives you a firm hug, resting his head on your shoulder and thanking you.

• he loves to just relax and be with you. He's the type that is completely content sitting on the bed talking for hours, or maybe even playing a game with you and Mikey. Board games are one of his leisurely pastimes on boring nights.

• is VERY worrisome of your safety. You have to reassure him constantly that you're not going anywhere anytime soon, and that he shouldn't stress himself out thinking about what-ifs. That's just part of who he is, though.

Mikey

• First of all, Mikey can be a LOT to handle. He's rambunctious, energetic, and honestly, a breath of fresh air from the other three's more or less reserved natures. (Save for Raph's outbursts.)

• Mikey always says what's on his mind whether it's appropriate or inappropriate. He tries to be communicative but sometimes his vocabulary or articulation fails him. It's still very cute, though.

• he REALLY absolutely adores sharing his hobbies with you. Video games, skateboarding, maybe pranking here and there—it excites him greatly to see you trying out his style, and it's hard not to appreciate his openness about his feelings.

• out of the four brothers he's definitely the most emotional, and here and there gets a little insecure if he misunderstands something he sees or something you say. He's not possessive of you, as he loves his brothers and is used to sharing his things, but he sometimes passingly wonders if you wanted one of them more than him.

• it doesn't take much to reassure him though, he's not inconsolable and will quickly move on from whatever was bothering him. He's always eager to resolve whatever's the matter, just not always sure how to.

• two words: eating. contests.

• overall, he's very playful and can be rowdy, which is a change of pace compared to the other 3 on a general basis. Again, except for Raph's outbursts; he's rowdy.

• loves trying out whatever you're obsessed with at the moment. New music? He's ready to listen to ALL of it with you. New hobby? You bet he's going to be there trying it out himself or cheering you on.

• he enjoys wrestling, tickling, and play-fighting, but forgets just how strong he is at times and gets too rough with you, causing a ruckus to break out, Leo or Donnie generally being the ones to call him out. It upsets him a lot to accidentally hurt you; he is unaware of his size compared to your own. He's not above begging for forgiveness.

• his immaturity shows itself in your relationship here and there which is a subject of annoyance on your end, but Mikey isn't too proud to admit what he did and so anything to make it alright with you. Usually either begins or ends with him clinging to you in a hug and getting emotional.

• he may be juvenile sometimes, but in a moment of crisis or when it matters, he's right by your side and ready to protect you. He might not look it, but he knows when it's time to be serious. He is still a skilled fighter, after all.

Raph

• Ohhh, head up—you two squabble fairly regularly. Most of the time due to his temperamental issues, him being overly possessive, things like that. You don't get into truly heated arguments, but he can be somewhat petty about it, which is a whole 'nother annoyance of its own.

• but he always apologizes to you, because he loves you and knows he cannot loss you. He's very prideful on the outside but on the inside uncertain of himself, uncertain of your relationship, and uncertain of the situation. He battles with accepting who he is and often wonders if you should even be with him.

• you bring out his secret soft side and make him more comfortable with it, although he won't show it in front of the others very much. He's very touchy-feely and likes to hold you, keep you close, etc.

• he enjoys cooking for you and with you.

• being in a relationship with him is tenacious but sometimes tentative, given how explosive he can be. But in daily life, he's a softie for you, and will participate in your hobbies and interests, even if they're girly or something he isn't exactly interested in. He just wants you to know that you can be yourself around him, because God knows he himself struggled with that at first.

• being in a relationship with Raph is passionate. He knows when to be a gentleman. He may not go overboard like Leo sometimes does, but he treats you like his princess. You're a gift to him.

• like Leo, he also likes to push you, albeit sometimes a too much. Such as, prompting you to lift a weight that's a little to heavy for you. Or accepting challenges for you that you aren't quite ready for. He's trying to show his respect for you and how much he thinks you can take, but he doesn't always know when too much is too much.

• gives you firm pep talks/hypes you up and gets mad when you put yourself down; it legitimately makes him angry when you say something self deprecating or cruel fo yourself. He'll grab ya by the shoulders and give you a shake while telling you how untrue it is.

• he's a gentle giant with you. Unlike Mikey, he's not unaware of his massive body and strength against you, so any movement against you is carefully monitored to make sure you aren't hurt by him.

• overcompensates by treating you like you're made of glass which can be slightly annoying but you still love him anyway because you're his princess, how else is he supposed to treat you??

• he would lay down his life for you in a heartbeat if he had to. (Although this implies that the others somehow wouldn't, he feels particularly strongly about it. He always thinks about how he's going to protect you when the time comes.)

#tmnt mikey x reader #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt romance #tmnt x reader #exophilia #tmnt leo x reader #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt donatello x reader #TMNT #tmnt leonardo x reader #tmnt michaelangelo x reader #tmnt raphael x reader #tmnt donnie x reader #writing #romance writing #romance #fanfiction #relationships #sfw

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honeypirate · 3 years

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In Madness lies Sanity

Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader - College AU

Based off the bit by Allan Watts. I read the transcript and I thought— Ushijima in love with his best friend listening to this talk about love in one of his classes and realizing that he needs to tell them the truth. Allan watts bit is in blue, the fic is in white.

Ushijima wasn’t one to dwell too long on trivial matters. He works through them and then forgets them. He focuses on what is important and what will bring him closer to his desired future. He isn’t one who is sucked into madness and drama, he has a strong level head and it’s something he takes pride in. So he’s trying to apply his ideas to how he handles his feelings for you, is it trivial? Is it important to tell you? He was struggling before he walked into class Monday morning and had his eyes opened by the video played during lecture.

- I’m going to talk to you about a particularly virulent and dangerous form of divine madness which is called falling in love. Which is, from a practical point of view, one of the most insane things you can do, or that can happen to you. Because in the eyes of a given woman or a given man, an opposite who go to the eyes of everybody else a perfectly plain and ordinary person can appear to be God or Goddess incarnate .... And this is an extraordinary disruptive experience a subversive experience in the conduct of human affairs

You were never a plain and ordinary person to him and he believes that’s where it got confused. He always has and always will see you as an extraordinary individual, regardless of things that may be seen as flaws or imperfections, regardless of your mistakes. You didn’t transform from one thing to the next, you were the same angel he knew, so when his heart flipped from friendship to love, he wasn’t paying attention.

- Because you never know when it will strike off for what reason. It’s something like contracting a very chronic disease once you get into it

If anyone asked Ushijima who his best friend is his first thought is you. His first thought thought is always you. His constant. His true best friend who is there for him through anything. He’ll open his mouth and say “y/n is my best friend” and when people would point out just how close they are he just shrugged, weren’t friends supposed to be close?

When he thinks back now, now that his feelings are obvious, he realizes that it was just a matter of time until he fell in love with you. He can pinpoint every moment along his life where love was obvious, every joke and hug that at the time he thought was just nice, when he loaned you his sweatshirt and then didn’t wash it because it smelled like you. When he would spend all his valuable and limited free time with you just because he liked the way you would smile as he walked you home. He thinks back to all of his dates in high school and college, of the dating app conversations he’s had or blind dates his friends had set up, and they all failed because of one simple reason- none of them were you.

- I would like to make some reflections on this particular form of madness, and to raise again a very disturbing question. And this disturbing question is as follows: Is it only when you are in love with another person that you see them as they really are? And in the ordinary way, when you are not in love with people you see only a fragmented version of that being.

He’s spent hours turned to days to weeks as he keeps thinking about whether or not he loves you or if he just thinks he could because of how close you already are. He’s lost track of time connecting different dots and making different lists and theories, replaying you’re entire friendship back in his head. He’s thought about the times he saw you drunk in college and puking on his shoes as he helps you home, when you decided you wanted to try and longboard and turfed it so bad your arm was gashed from wrist to elbow and he had carried you to the urgent care. all your reckless and crazy ideas you dragged him along with, you were almost as bad as tendou but he just wanted to take care of you as best as he could. He can feel the desire in his bones to make sure you were always taken care of, a feeling he knows he’ll have until he dies.

He thinks about when you had dated Oikawa and for the entire three months he had an ulcer but didn’t know why. He thought it was because of his pain relievers and quit them the week you broke up with him, not realizing the connection. When he’d get acid in his throat when you talked about dating someone else, he thought he just needed some milk. How blind he had been.

-Because when you are in love with someone you do indeed see them as a divine being. And suppose that’s what they are truly. And your eyes have by your beloved been opened in which case your beloved is serving to you as a kind of guru. An initiator. And that is why there is a form of sexual yoga, based on the idea that man and woman are to each other as mutual guru and student. And through a tremendous outpouring of psychic energy in total devotion and worship to this other person who is respectively the goddess of the god.

Being someone’s best and closest friend consisted of seeing their entirety and choosing to stay and love them anyway. To care for them. He can’t say for certain where he crossed over into love, into wanting to hug you and kiss you, wanting to be the only one you think about, but there’s not much he can do about it now and he doesn’t want to.

Ushijima sees you. He sees your good and your bad and everything in between, he sees you for you. Your ordinary mundane ways of life that he can’t help but want to share with you. Grocery shopping, library trips, post office runs, he wants them all to be done with you. He truly cannot imagine anyone else taking that spot in his heart.

Wanting to show you what he sees. What he knows to be true about you. he wants to scream from the rooftops how amazing you are and he’s not a very loud person. He sees the way you care for your friends selflessly and give and give all you have just so that others can be happy and you never complain. You do what you can when you can and still have time to take care of yourself he never knew how you did it so effortlessly, even when you’d vent to him you never regretted helping others.

He sees the way you lift up those around you. How you leave everyone a little more positive than before you talked to them. He doesn’t know how you do it. He’s convinced you’re an angel and he’s dying to show you just how amazing he knows you are. But he doesn’t want to ruin your friendship. He sees your entirety, your full book instead of just the cover, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He wanted to give you this energy and receive it in turn and he’s never been so absolutely terrified.

-You realize by total fusion and contact with the other organism. You go down to the divine center in them and it bounces back and you discover your own or you could put it in this way which is another aspect of it that by falling in love and regarding falling in love not just as a sort of sexual infatuation, because it’s always more than that, isn’t it. I mean you can have a great sexual enjoyment with a pleasant friend, you know. But you may do so simply because he or she appeals to your aesthetic senses. But when you fall in love, it’s a much more serious involvement, you just cannot forget this person. You feel miserable when not in their presence, you’re always yearning, that’s get to see more of each other let’s get together that’s we’re completely entangled and then you see you’ve actually kind of out what I would call spiritual element has been introduced. And the Hindus were sensible enough to realize that this was a means of awakening, enlightenment, and therefore it was. Surrounded. With a sort of rigid religious ritual meditative art, with a form of sexual yoga that is designed to allow the feeling of mutual love to the extent of grand passion to have an extremely fitting fulfillment and expression.

Ushijima has always thought you were beautiful. Any human with eyes would think that. But your beauty and attraction went far deeper than that. Sure he’s had fleeting thoughts about how good you looked in a dress but he never let them linger. It felt wrong to think of you like that. But now that he’s an adult, a grown man and not a teenager anymore, he wants to kiss you, to hold your hand, maybe more but it wasn’t about that. It was about the intimacy, the closeness, the vulnerability.

Awakening. Enlightenment. Two words that before he didn’t really think about. But now he feels changed. Now that he’s realized how much he loves you has lifted his spirits, made him dream of the passion and happiness you could have together. He feels himself slipping into the joy of being in love with his best friend and imagining all the ways that love could grow. He feels only half of himself when he’s without you, always needing to see you or be around you, but you never made him feel clingy or bad. You met him in kind, telling him how much you wanted to be around him too.

At first he thought that this love was a trivial thing, something he could push from his mind, but after his weeks of thought he knows this is a lot more serious than he’s experienced before.

-Falling in love is a thing that strikes like lightning and is therefore extremely analogous to the mystical vision. We don’t know. No how really people attain the mystical vision. There is not as yet a very clear rationale as to how it happens because we do know that it is opened to many people who never did anything to look for it. And many people especially in adolescence have had the mystical vision all of a sudden without the slightest warning and with no previous interest in that kind of thing

He remembers what he was doing when it dawned on him that he was in love, when he felt the air leave his lungs and his eyes widen softly when he realized how nice it would be to kiss your temple and he couldn’t even finish the thought as the feeling ran from his head to his toes.

He was standing in your kitchen as you finished making your lunch for the following day and you made a joke that made yourself laugh, he didn’t think it was a very funny joke but you didn’t care. You giggled to yourself and he couldn’t help but wish he could witness that forever. It hit him like a brick that he would, in almost an instant, give his entirety to you. It terrified him when he imagines you and him ending like his parents. But behind the terror, the fear of divorce, was a softer and quieter emotion that he tried to focus on harder than the insanity of his anxiety. A softer, lovelier, hopeful feeling that he usually gets every time you smile at him. That was the feeling he was searching for, everything else was irrelevant for a few glorious moments.

-But as yet we are not clear as to why it comes about and if there is any method of attaining it the best one is probably to give up the whole idea of getting it…. you see it is completely unpredictable and so it is in that way like falling in love, capricious and therefore crazy. But if you should be so fortunate as to encounter either of these experiences. It seems to me to be a total denial of life to refuse it. And what we therefore have to. Admit in our society is so that we can contain this kind of madness.

He called Tendou that evening, telling him that he thinks he loves you, and Tendou about had a conniption. He was in Paris as his best friend fell in love for the first time. He talked him through it, told him how good it can be. That yes it was going to be work but the reward would be worth it. To not sell himself short out of his own fears. He deserves much more than that. Tendou’s last phrase is what sunk in deep “I know it was unpredictable, that it feels so fickle, but that’s what love is like buddy! You can’t deny it Ushi, you can’t run from it or hide from it, it will only hurt you in the long run”

- You see, in this way we can think about and structure the necessary stable social institution of family sometime without it being constantly threatened of foundering on the rocks of love. Now you see this then means that when when people marry they take any vows at all to each other instead of saying that they will always be true to each other in the sense of meaning I Will Always Love YoU, It means I will be true to you in the sense of I will always be truthful to. I will not pretend that my feelings towards you ARE other than what they are. Because I marry you, because I think that you are a reasonable person to live with and therefore I want you to be you I want you to be someone else I want to be a rubber stamp of me–how boring that would be?! an arrangement in which people set each other free and make an alliance to cooperate with each other in certain ways. Now if it should so occur that they are of immense sexual attraction to each other, so much the better? That this should not be a primary factor in entering into marriage. Admittedly, you must be to a certain extent attractive to each other otherwise there will be no progeny. But this is this is seems to me to be a sensible and reasonable view and just because it is sensible and reasonable it can accommodate what is not sensible and reasonable which is falling in love.

Ushijima is terrified. He’s terrified because the instant immediate joy he felt when he realized he loved you was almost overtaken by worries and stress. He loves you! Now what? He loves structure in his life and he values stability but he knows how rocky relationships can be and how they can ultimately end. He knows he won’t deny it, he won’t back away because of his fear but he needs a plan. A plan to take to you and talk about it, he knows you’ll have the right thing to say but he doesn’t even know what he’ll even say to you yet. He loves that you are so carefree and goofy, a breath of fresh air to his stoicism. You’ve even gently worked your way so deep into his soul that you feel like his other half, his complete other in every way, someone who wasn’t like him at all and how wonderful that is.

Once in his life he thought that arranged marriages were smarter, you did it out of logic and bloodline and family, nothing messy to deal with. But that structure, that boring empty rocky foundation that an arrangement might bring made his mouth taste bad, although at the time he convinced himself it was because it would be more like another job that takes up his time (away from you)

Sensible and reasonable was right up his alley, he thought how nice it would be to have a mini him but he couldn’t think about having that with anyone. He couldn’t think of another half of dna that baby would share that would make it worth it. Not until he saw a picture of you holding your nephew, now whenever he thinks of his babies they share your genes. He thinks of a chunky baby with your eyes and his hair color, a mix of your personality and he’d share volleyball with them. He’s never wanted kids as much as he does when he thinks about sharing them with you. And that’s the part that feels senseless, the love part, the part where you give your entirety to someone and trust that they will care and keep you, no matter what happens, save its not infidelity or other deal breakers of yours he already knows.

Ushijima’s theorizing and thoughts about you over the course of time went from being about understanding why he feels like this to imagining fake scenarios where he wants to take you abroad to travel together, to be together every day and share the hard times and good times, babies or not, marriage or not. He just wants to make you happy for the rest of his life no matter what and he can’t go on much longer without knowing he has a chance to do so

- Well now really when we go back then to falling in love. And say it’s crazy falling. You see we don’t say rising into love. There is in it the idea of the fall. And it is goes back as a matter of fact two extremely fundamental things that there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk, is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble

And so here he was. Sitting on a bench outside of your dorm, feet bouncing as he stared at the small patch of grass growing in between the sidewalk crack. It’s been a while since that class and he’s been thinking about this constantly.

He knows the risk, feels it in his heart every time he meets up separately with his parents since their divorce. He sees it every time he remembers his childhood and the messy separation. That mess he never wants to repeat. The fall that comes with this love is like that class video had told him, ghastly. He doesn’t know if this could ruin it all, if he takes the leap of faith and it all comes crumbling down years later he’ll be just another divorce. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to end up like his parents and have a child who feels the same. But when he imagines his life he doesn’t think he could be haply without you by his side.

- the moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith, because you don’t really know that the floors not going to give in to your feet. The moment you take a journey what an act of faith. The moment you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship what an act of faith you see you’ve given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done surrender see and love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me, do anything you like with me. So, that’s quite mad because you see it’s letting things get out of control all sensible people keep things in control.

You know something is up the moment you open the doors and see his back on the bench. You were going to his place since he wasn’t answering his phone, you freeze at the doors at watch him for a moment as your anxiety spikes in your stomach. His shoulders are tense as he leans forward, elbows on his thighs and hands clasped together as he looks down between his bouncing feet. Before you really think about it, you follow the urge to comfort him, to talk to him and make sure it’s all okay. Your feet carry you quickly to his side and you sit down, pulling him into a side hug and wrapping your arms around him.

He gasps when you sit and as you’re wrapping your arms around him he furrows his brows and hugs you back. His heart racing As his fears take the back burner. He didn’t expect you to find him but he also didn’t know how long he’s been sitting here. He buries his face into your neck as he you hold each other in the cool spring evening.

“What’s wrong?” You ask as you hold him and feels his walls break down, his arms tighten around you

“I’m scared” he says quietly and his voice cracks

“Of what Toshi? You can always talk to me” Your fingers run through his hair softly and it soothes his nerves.

He pulls back and cups your cheeks, his eyebrows were still furrowed and his stoic expression was broken by his eyes that were swimming with worry and insecurity.

You saw everything in his eyes and you met him with your determination and steady unwavering love he finds in your eyes. God he feels so mad. So incredibly and undeniably mad and insane and like he isn’t in control. He needs to tell you. Needs the words to come out of his throat so he can calm his heart and soothe his ulcer. The anxiety felt like it was immeasurable and his breathing was starting to get faster until you placed your hands on his cheeks, smothering the bad feelings completely “it’s okay Wakatoshi, I’m right here”

Ushijima feels the exact moment his heart relaxes into the faith, the surrender into love trusting that the floor isn’t going to collapse under his feet, the moment he gives his whole self, body and soul, to the fall, and that moment was when your lips touched his for the first time. Then he let go, the madness left his body and was replaced with a calm assurance that yes, yes this was it, what he’s been waiting for, what he’s been yearning for.

- for all the cost and wisdom what is really sensible is to let go that is to commit oneself to give oneself up and that’s quite mad,

-so we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.

#ushijima wakatoshi x you #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #ushijima #ushijima x y/n #ushijima x reader #ushijima x you #haikyuu xreader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu ushiwaka #haikyuu ushijima #haikyuu wakatoshi #wakatoshi fluff #ushijima fluff #ushijima fanfic #haikyuu fanfiction

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wisteriashouse · 4 years

Text

sweet confession.

pairing: rengoku kyoujurou x reader

genre: fluff

word count: 4351

You’d never thought yourself to be the jealous type.

But when your best friend, Rengoku Kyoujurou, asks you what a suitable gift to confess with would be after a morning of sparring exercise, that green eyed beast in you somehow finds the energy to rear its ugly head.

The second the question leaves his mouth, you pause with your towel in hand to stare at his hopeful, earnest expression for a moment, a little thrown off by his words. Kyoujurou isn’t particularly close to anyone out of the corps besides his younger brother, being far too devoted with his job as a demon slayer to have the free time to know many people outside of the corps. The few people whom he does interact much with are you, Shinobu, when he gets injured, and of course, Kanroji.

You purse your lips, suddenly contemplative. Does Kyoujurou have feelings for the Love Pillar?

Kyoujurou hasn’t mentioned anything about it to you, but it would make sense for the two of them to be especially close, considering that Kyoujurou had acted as her trainer and master in Flame Breathing back in the past. Neither has Kanroji, for that matter, but she’s always been closer to Shinobu compared to you anyway.

“Why do you ask?” You glance at him, trying to keep your tone as light and breezy as possible. Kyoujurou’s confident gaze falters for a moment, clearly hesitant, before he gathers his courage and opens his mouth to speak. “I would like to gift someone special to me with a present, but I do not know what I should give! I thought that I should ask you, since I trust your opinion!” His cheeks are dusted pink.

It’s almost painfully obvious to you who this ‘special someone’ is to him, but you force a smile onto your face, nodding in response to his question.

“Ahh... well, personally, I like western desserts, like the ones Kanroji-san makes.” The mere thought of them makes your mouth water, but you’ve never really been close enough with her to ask for them. You mostly just steal them off Kyoujurou, who she bakes for regularly on a weekly basis. “Castella, tiramisu, crème brûlée, you know, the works.”

Kyoujurou’s eyes are fixed on you as you speak, nodding attentively along everything you say. That’s when you realise that he can’t give Mitsuri her own cakes and hurry to rectify your earlier words.

“But since you’re giving it to someone special, you should find something that they personally like! You should ask them directly yourself.” You add on hastily, before he can ruin his gift giving because of you. “If it’s someone who’s really important to you, you could try making something with your own hands. It would be more intimate and from the heart, am I right? I think it’d be really sweet.”

The seconds the words escape your mouth, part of you wants to hit yourself over the head. Why are you helping him get together with someone else?

You wonder if you should invite Obanai along to your pity party. He’d probably send Kaburamaru after you to bite your fingers off instead.

Lost in your own thoughts, you don’t notice Kyoujurou staring at you, fingers twisted in the fabric of his own towel. Something made with his own hands? He’s never really ventured into the finer arts of cooking or baking, but if that’s what you want, he’ll try his best to give it to you.

“I think it’d be really sweet,” you’d said. Kyoujurou wants you to think of him as sweet.

There’s an important question he wants to ask you, after all.

>>>

“Like this?”

“Ah, no, Rengoku-san! You’re overmixing the egg whites!” Mitsuri yelps as she rushes over to his side, pulling the bowl from his hands. A bit of the meringue he’d been whisking splatters on his nose, and Kyoujurou peers into the bowl hesitantly, scratching his chin. “So, not like this either?”

He’s been doing this all morning, and he still can’t seem to get it.

“You need to handle the egg whites with a more delicate touch,” Mitsuri explains, setting his latest failed attempt next to six other bowls - prior victims of his dismal baking skills. “If not, the meringue will deflate. They need to have stiff, fluffy peaks!”

“Hmm!” Kyoujurou makes a noise of understanding, bending over the counter to study the batch that Kanroji has made earlier. Honestly, he can’t really tell the difference between and successful and failed meringue, but if Kanroji says that it’s not alright, there is no way he’ll be confident giving it to you. “This is more difficult than I thought it would be! Senjurou has always said my cooking isn’t that terrible, but I see now that he was just trying to make me feel better. I will never subject him to the torture of eating my cooking ever again.”

“Eh? No, Rengoku-san, you aren’t that awful...” Mitsuri presses her lips together as she looks over the mess that is her kitchen. Several broken egg shells lie on the ground, testament to Kyoujurou’s overwhelming strength and zeal. “Well... maybe just a little. As I said earlier, if you want me to bake them for you to gift, I would be willing to do that too!”

Kyoujurou shakes his head immediately, resolute in his determination. “No, I cannot.” He looks down at his hands, covered in egg white and sugar. “I want this gift to be from the heart, and it would lose its sincerity if I were to ask you to make it.”

He’s interrupted by a squeal from Mitsuri, her hands clasped to her chest and heart in her eyes. “That’s so sweet, Rengoku-san!” She gushes. “I never knew you were so romantic! Of course I’ll do my best to help you! You’ll definitely master the art of meringue whipping with practice!”

“I’ll do my best, Kanroji!” With that declaration, Kyoujurou takes a glance at his hands once more. The palms are calloused, small, bone white scars scattered over his skin. “A more delicate touch...”

Perhaps it’s because he’s really only known wielding a sword his entire life, so he struggles to understand just what it would entail. “What would be a ‘delicate touch’?”

Mitsuri pauses to press a finger to her lips, face scrunched up in concentration as she tries to think of a suitable explanation. “Well, imagine how you would hold y/n’s hands if you could. That would be a delicate touch!”

Your hands. Holding your hands.

He’d be gentle. Cradle your hands to him with tenderness, tell you that you’re the most beautiful person in the world in his eyes. Treasure you, love you-

Kyoujurou turns to look at Mitsuri with a frown, mildly confused. “I do not think I would want to tell the egg whites that they are beautiful!”

Mitsuri gasps, cupping her cheeks with her hands as she shakes her head from side to side. “Rengoku-san, you’re really too sweet and gentlemanly... ahh, my heart is fluttering. I love how romantic you are!” She takes a deep breath to calm herself, fanning her cheeks. “If you do hold y/n’s hands, you’d be firm but gentle, wouldn’t you? You should apply the same touch to the egg whites!”

More gentle. More delicate. Kyoujurou can do that.

Determined, he picks up another egg and holds it up.

“I can do this!”

>>>

He’s been spending an awful lot of time with Mitsuri lately, you think to yourself.

You’re waiting in the dojo of the Rengoku Estate for Kyoujurou to show up, bokuto in hand and absentmindedly practicing your kata. He’s late by a few minutes, and although you normally wouldn’t mind that, he has mentioned earlier that he’s meeting with Mitsuri beforehand. What for, however, you don’t know.

Pausing in the middle of swinging your practice sword, you glance down at your feet, pursing your lips.

Since when had Kyoujurou start to have feelings for Mitsuri?

“I can’t believe he didn’t even tell me that he was interested her.” You mumble to yourself under your breath, feeling offended for some reason before guilt hits right after. It’s not that he has to tell you, so why do you feel so annoyed? It’s not his responsibility to tell you everything that goes on in his life, not his obligation.

The door slides open behind you all of a sudden.

“Who is interested in who?”

“Ah! Kyoujurou! Don’t just barge in like that!” You cry out in shock, fumbling with your bokuto before you can drop it. Kyoujurou laughs brightly at your reaction, his face flushed as if he’d run all the way here.

“My apologies for making you wait, I had to rush here!” He grins at you, moving to drop his belongings at the side of the dojo. You squint; there’s a lacquered box typically used to store desserts, was it from Mitsuri? Before you can ask him about it, he’s already picked up his practice sword and smiling at you, adjusting the tie of his hakama. “I hope you don’t mind too much that I’m late! Let us begin training, then!”

It’s only then that you notice that his hair is damp, and his clothes seem ruffled. You blink, trying to keep your expression neutral as you ready your own sword into a fighting stance, but on the inside, your mind is racing. What on earth was he doing with Mitsuri?

Well, not that it’s any of your business, anyway. If Kyoujurou is interested in Mitsuri and the girl reciprocates, you’ll be happy for the two of them! Happy... for the two of them... the two of them going out on dates... and kissing...

Oh. You don’t like that idea very much now.

Kyoujurou lunges forward, swinging his blade in a smooth upward stroke before you can clear your mind. “Flame Breathing, Second Form, Rising Scorching Sun!”

Distracted, you barely manage to change your grip in time. “Snow Breathing, Fourth Form, Hoarfrost!” Kyoujurou’s sword collides hard with yours, the sound of your blades meeting echoing in the dojo. You wince as Kyoujurou forces you back and quickly disengage, retreating a few steps.

“Flame Breathing, Fifth Form, Flame Tiger!” Kyoujurou follows up easily, relentless as he swings his blade. Sucking in a deep breath, you dive between his legs and lunge.

“Eighth Form, Winter Avalanche!”

“Your stance is off!” Kyoujurou calls over the din as you press him with a continuous barrage of strikes, countering with his own fourth form. “You’re not focused enough!”

Breaking off the attack, you leap back, adjusting your grip again.

What does Mitsuri have that you don’t? Is it because her hair is such a pretty colour? Because her personality is so bubbly and sweet? Because she bakes really nice western desserts and you can’t? You aren’t as outgoing, your hair is drab compared to even Kyoujurou’s, and-

… and the tip of Kyoujurou’s bokuto is resting against the your throat.

“You really are distracted today.” Kyoujurou comments, and you let out a little groan of disappointment as he lets the point of his sword fall. The expression on his face is one of genuine concern. “Is something the matter?”

Smacking yourself on the head in an attempt to rid yourself of all thoughts, you shake your head and ready your sword once more. Focus!

“I’m sorry, it was my fault.” You admit, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. “Come on, let’s train properly. I’ll do better this time.”

“It’s not like you to be distracted, however.” Kyoujurou takes a step closer and you glance up to see him standing far too close to you, so close that your eyes are level with the exposed strip of skin from his collar. There’s a faintly sweet smell of burnt sugar and cream lingering on him, the very same scent that Mitsuri wears. Did he... “There is a flush on your cheeks and your pupils are dilated. Do you perhaps have a fever?”

Alarmed at his observation, you clap your hands over your cheeks and shake your head. Who? Flushed? Definitely not you. “I feel fine.” You desperately lie between your teeth. “Come on, let’s go another round!”

“Hmm.” Kyoujurou stares at you for a while longer before he takes a step back, a stroke of fortune for your madly pounding heart. “Well then, let us continue!”

Glad to have averted that crisis, you force your mind to stay on track for the rest of the training session, allowing Kyoujurou to pound every bit of distraction out of your bones with his bokuto. At the end of a series of matches, you’re sure that you’ve turned into one giant bruise, wobbling when you try to pick yourself off the ground and finally giving up, collapsing back onto the mats with an unintelligible groan.

“It was a good spar! We ended later than usual, today!” Kyoujurou enthuses as he sits cross legged next to you, seemingly still brimming with an unholy amount of energy. Staring at him for a few seconds more, you shake your head before letting yourself slump over on the ground, unable to comprehend how he’s not yet flopped over next to you out of sheer exhaustion.

“It’s your fault for coming late.” You grumble, feeling the ground dig into every bruise you have on your body. Too tired to think straight, you drag yourself over the floor to Kyoujurou, who’s tying his hair out of his eyes, and promptly pillow your head in his lap like you’ve done since you were kids.

His thigh stiffens under your touch, but he doesn’t remove himself from you. Instead, his hand reaches up to pull stray strands of your hair behind your ear, before his palm moves to rest gently on your cheek. “When is your next mission?”

He sounds slightly nervous.

“Hmm?” You’re too tired to put much thought into it, letting out a yawn. You’re just so tired, and you haven’t been getting proper sleep for the last few days, too wrapped up with thinking about the man in front of you. “I’m leaving tonight... I think. Some demon rampaging about in one of the northern mountains. Hopefully it’s not too much trouble.”

Maybe when you’re away from him for a bit, you’ll be able to clear your mind.

There’s a moment of silence between the two of you before Kyoujurou takes a deep breath, trying to bolster his courage. “When you come back... I have something important to tell you.” He says aloud, his voice solemn. Kyoujurou has never once thought of himself as a coward, but the thought of so much as confessing his feelings to you... it makes his heart swell and feel incomparably tiny at the same time.

You’d never break his heart on purpose, of course, but he knows the power you have over him. It’s one that you’re perhaps not even aware of, but he feels it keenly with every word you say, every smile you send his way. It scares him sometimes, but he’s learned that it’s as impossible to escape as gravity - he can only let himself fall.

When you don’t reply even after a full minute, Kyoujurou looks down in confusion to see your eyes shut and your breaths escaping you in tiny snores.

“Oh.” His heart trips in his chest at the sight. Reaching over carefully so as not to wake you, he tugs out his haori and places it over you. Quietly, Kyoujurou picks up a few strands of your hair and presses his lips to them, eyes soft as he watches you sleep. He should probably wake you up so that you can head off your mission, but he can’t bring himself to interrupt your rest just yet.

Kyoujurou glances at the lacquered box out of the corner of his eye, at the slight burns on his fingers, before he looks down at you once more. There’s an unspeakable emotion welling in his chest. He smiles.

“I can be patient.”

>>>

You’ve been moping for an entire afternoon.

Sure, your mission ended up successful, but it fell drastically short of your usual standards. You’d been so ridiculously distracted by your own thoughts that you’d nearly let one of the demons get away - and you are a Pillar! If Shinazugawa hears about this, he’ll never let you live it down.

Groaning in frustration, you sink your face into your pillow, eyes shut tightly. Even in the darkness, you still see a familiar grin seared into your mind, those captivating golden eyes looking straight into your soul. It’s been like this for days, you blame all your distractions on Rengoku Kyoujurou. If only he wasn’t so trustworthy, so kind, so passionate, so him-

You can almost hear the way he says your name. Have you really been thinking about him so much that you’re hallucinating about his voice? With another groan, you burrow yourself deeper into the blankets. Just when had you fallen for him so hard?

“I’m sorry for dropping by without a prior notice!” His voice continues to say, and you pause in burying yourself in blankets, confused. That doesn’t quite sound like your imagination... “May I come in? I have something to tell you.”

Bolting upright in shock, you throw the covers off your head to see the outline of him through the paper screen of your door. He’s actually here! In a panic, you try to comb down your hair as quickly as possible, smoothing out your robes before you rise to open the door for him.

“You know I don’t mind it when you come by.” You scold, standing to the side to let Kyoujurou in. In truth, you want to pull out your hair - the suddenness of his visit has left your heart racing in your chest, and you’re not even dressed in decent clothes! He’s dressed casually today, one of the rare times you see him out of his uniform. “Why the sudden visit, though?”

Kyoujurou pauses for a moment, and that’s when you notice the lacquered box in his hands, a small affair elaborately carved with flower and flame motifs. “Sit first,” he urges, and though a little confused, you do as he says. To your surprise, however, Kyoujurou doesn’t sit informally in front of you - instead, he adopts the formal seiza position with both legs folded beneath him and takes a deep breath.

Quite baffled, you reach out to tug at his sleeve. “Kyo, what are you doing?”

“Please give me a moment.” You’re stunned at the solemnity of Kyoujurou’s voice, his fingers gripping the box in his hands tightly. Is he perhaps nervous about something? Rengoku Kyoujurou, who smiles even in the face of demons and bloodshed, nervous? “I must build up my courage.”

At this point, you’re almost starting to panic from all the trepidation. Did something happen with Senjurou? His father? The possibilities popping up in your head seem to only get worse and worse, but since he asked you for time, you’ll give it to him. Anxious, you play with the hem of your robe, watching as Kyoujurou closes his eyes and breathes deeply for a few seconds. Just what is it he wants to tell you?

Kyoujurou’s eyes flash open all of a sudden, almost as if flames have ignited in them, and he thrusts the box he’s holding at you with both hands and an earnest expression on his face. He parts his lips to speak.

“This is cake!”

Stunned at the volume of his declaration, you blink down at the box being offered to you, before you look back up at the man before you, taking in the way his lips are pressed tightly together, his eyes focused on the spot just above your shoulder. “This is... cake?”

There’s a sharp inhale, and Kyoujurou nods his head vigorously, still quite determinedly not meeting your eyes. “Yes! It is cake!”

Still not quite understanding why he’s so nervous about a piece of cake, you take the box from Kyoujurou carefully, flipping open the lid. To your surprise, there’s a slice of castella cake nestled inside, the top glazed with burned sugar and a small silver fork lying next to it.

“You got me cake!” Kyoujurou’s heart thumps wildly in his chest as he watches you lift the box closer, your eyes sparkling and a happy grin on your face. All those sleepless nights and failed attempts are forgotten in an instant, they’re all worth it just to see you smile like this. “Thank you, Kyoujurou!”

“I’m glad you like it!” Kyoujurou replies loudly, trying to calm his heart so that he can focus on getting the correct words out this time. “Please enjoy it!”

You beam at him, picking up the fork. “It looks a little lopsided,” you say, and Kyoujurou swallows nervously. To be honest, he hadn’t been completely satisfied with this batch, but Mitsuri had run out of eggs and he’d been forced to give up. Kneading his thighs in anticipation, he watches with bated breath as you cut a piece with the fork and lift it to your mouth, chewing it thoughtfully.

Before his thoughts can run away with him, your expression brightens and you turn to look at him, licking the crumbs off the fork. “It tastes great! The burnt sugar on top makes it really sweet, I love it.” You cut another piece, and this time, lean forward to hold it up to his lips. “Here, you try a piece too!”

You’re too close. Your scent is muddling with his head, the heat you emanate dancing along his skin - he’s too keenly aware of it. He wants to wrap you in his arms, bury his face in your hair, draw you close. But now’s not the time for that.

Very slowly, he opens his mouth and takes a bite, eyes fixed on the way you smile radiantly at him. Kyoujurou doesn’t have the heart to tell you that he can’t quite bear the taste of castella after having tested so many over the last few days. “Mm, it’s good.” He says instead, and you grin, pleased.

“So, what is it that you needed to say to me today?” You hum cheerfully as you cut yourself another slice. Ah, right, he was supposed to... Then you pause, and your eyes narrow as you squint at him. “Do you need something from me? You know I’d do it even without the cake, yes?”

“No, there is no favour I need!” Kyoujurou hastens to answer. It’s something else that he wants from you, and to ask you to give it to him would require far more than a simple slice of cake. He takes another deep breath, eyes flickering to you as you take another bite.

Say it now, Rengoku Kyoujurou. Say it!

“I-”

“Oh, you were mentioning something about confessing a few days ago.” You interrupt him, and the words are trapped in his throat once again. “How did it go? Did that special someone...” you purse your lips, “accept your affections?”

Kyoujurou looks down at the piece of castella sitting in front of you, a deep sigh rising up in his chest. “Well, no. Actually, I still have not confessed.”

“Eh?” You look at him, clearly shocked. “Why not? That’s not like you, Kyo.”

He manages a small grin, reaching out to squeeze your hand. “Perhaps because I am afraid of the possible rejection.” Kyoujurou says lightly. “I do not know what I would do if that person turns me down.”

He tells you this as casually as possible, but then you surprise him by looking up at him with those sincere eyes, clasping his hand tight in yours. “To have your affection like that, I think that person is very fortunate to be so precious to you.” You tell him earnestly, and his heart skips a beat in his chest. “Mitsuri would surely appreciate it if you tell her directly-”

Wait, Kanroji?

“The one I wanted to confess to is not Kanroji!” The words leave his mouth before he can stop them, desperate to make his feelings known to you. Was that what you were thinking the entire time? That he was interested in pursuing Kanroji? “It is you.”

There’s a clatter as the fork in your hand falls to the ground, the sound echoing in his ears. You gape at him, before you look down at the cake in your hands, and then back to him. He sees the moment the pieces fall in place, and then a little noise of realization escapes your lips.

“Oh.”

He decides to speak before his courage can abandon him completely. “I’ve been wanting to say this for a while now. Kanroji advised me to pair the confession with a gift, hence the question. I wanted to give you something you would like.” You’re still staring at him with wide eyes, a dumbfounded expression on your face. Kyoujurou swallows, fists his hands in his hakama trousers, and opens his mouth to speak.

“I love you.”

You blink owlishly at him.

“You do not have to reciprocate.” Kyoujurou reassures. His chest feels lighter now that the words that have been residing there so long are finally aired. He rises to his feet. “I just wanted to let you know of my feelings for you. Then, I will take my leave first-”

Your fingers wrap around his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

“Wait.”

He glances down at you in surprise. Your own cheeks are a beautiful hue of crimson, rosy as the rising sun, but there’s a brilliant smile on your face as you look up at him. “Are you really going to leave without letting me accept? That’s terribly rude of you.” Your laughter reminds him of tinkling bells.

“I love you too, Kyoujurou.”

He pulls you in close to kiss you, your laughter imprinted along his lips before he buries his face in your hair to hide his smile. Your lips taste like sugar, sweeter than anything else in the world.

You’re what happiness tastes like.

#MY GOD THIS IS THE SAGA OF I REALLY WANT TO DELETE BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH EFFORT NOT TO POST #rengoku #rengoku fanfic #rengoku kyojuro #kyojuro #kyoujurou #rengoku kyojuro x reader #demon slayer #demon slayer fanfic #kimetsu no yaiba #kimetsu no yaiba fanfic #kimetsu rengoku #kimetsu kyojuro

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worldwidemochiguy · 4 years

Text

Love You A Latte (MFEEU! Jimin)

➵ You have always wanted a story book romance, no matter how many times your friends tell you it’s unrealistic, and even unhealthy to have such high expectations. You can’t help but yearn for the one who will make your heart sing, who will captivate you with one word, who will treat you like you’re worth more than anything else in the world... and then Park Jimin crashes into your life, with a pretty smile and a warm cup of vanilla latte with your name on it.

➵ Warnings: Yandere Jimin, Stalking, Daddy Kink, Masturbation, Unhealthy Idealisation of Romance

➵ Word Count: 9.1K

➵ MFEEU Masterlist

➵ General Masterlist

➵ a/n: it’s finally here!!! and i made it part of the mfeeu!!!! idk it just felt right also i actually finished this a few weeks ago but i wanted to add a bonus scene which had smut lol. buuut i was finding it hard to write and i didn’t want to make u guys wait any longer :/ so,,, sorry for the wait! but i hope you enjoy :D

“You do realise that kind of stuff isn’t real, right?”

Your head jerked up, fingers curling slightly around the dog-eared page you were just about to turn, leading you deeper into the intoxicatingly perfect story. Your friend looked almost concerned, worry digging a groove in between her eyebrows.

“Huh?” You replied absently, mind still fixed on the story beneath your fingertips.

“I mean, you’re always reading those books, where a perfect guy comes and steals the girl away into a world of love and happiness and all that crap. You know that won’t actually happen to you, right?”

“…Uh, yeah?” You laughed nervously, one hand releasing the book to come up and brush your hair out of your eyes. “Any particular reason why you’re saying this, Buttercup?”

Buttercup’s expression was pinched, almost painfully so.

“I just… I don’t want you to waste your life away waiting for a guy who’ll never come.”

‘I know.” You said, your throat uncomfortably dry, “I know. It’s just… it’s nice to imagine, right?”

Watching you was the most treasured part of Jimin’s day. Thanks to the multiple cameras he had installed in your apartment while you were out of town, he was able to spend many happy hours watching you, completely besotted.

If he ever missed you, maybe while you were in your classes or meeting with your friends in that ridiculous coffee shop — a practice he planned to stop as soon as he officially became your boyfriend — he could just open his laptop and watch endless saved recordings of you. He even had the cameras linked to his computer at work, though he had to make sure Jungkook wouldn’t peak over his shoulder as he opened the webcam viewer, the nosy little brat.

If he was lucky, you might have danced around to the music on the radio while you were waiting for the kettle to boil, or you would be on your couch, giggling as you read one of those romance novels you were so fond of. Little things. Domestic things, which made it easy to image the day when you would dance around in his apartment, safe and happy in his embrace.

Jimin was thankful you didn’t spend much time in the bathroom. He had refrained from placing cameras in that room because he wanted the first time he saw your beautiful body to be a conscious choice on your part. He would also do his best to avert his eyes whenever you got changed in your bedroom.

However, that didn’t stop him from shamefully imaging you in the privacy of his own penthouse apartment, when the nights became long and lonely without you, or any other human company. More often than he would like to admit, Jimin found himself fantasising about how tight you’d feel clenched around him, how sweet your release would taste on his tongue.

Though the two of you had never actually spoken, Jimin knew everything about you, from your favourite colour to the way you had your eggs in the morning. From a little extra research, made easy by your friends’ various social medias and the occasional overworked college administrator that was sweet-talked into giving out students’ personal information, he knew your birthday, your blood type, and many other precious facts that he wrote down in a diary personally devoted to you, containing his photos of you taken from afar and and Jimin’s records of what you did that day. He had filled up several diaries after having first laid eyes on you only a year ago.

The moment Jimin saw you for the first time was forever burned into his memory. He was waiting in front of the office building, checking his briefcase to make sure he had remembered to bring an important file in for that day’s meeting, when the shopping bag of a passerby had broken, spilling all of their belongings onto the ground.

Jimin had merely watched, unperturbed, as the stranger struggled to pick everything up, and it appeared everyone else was content to do the same. Well, everyone except you.

You descended like an angel from heaven, the only one to help him. Jimin could barely feel his heart pounding in his chest, he was so enraptured by your beauty, your kindness, the grace with which you held yourself. Even your scent, wafted over to him by a blessed breeze, was enough to make Jimin realise that you were the one for him.

The only one there could ever be.

Jimin had listened, captivated, as you comforted the stranger with your melodic voice, all the while helping them to collect their possessions which had spilled out across the sidewalk. You were just- ethereal, as you comforted the stranger — they seemed to be having a bad day, not that Jimin cared at all — introducing yourself as a friend. Your name was the most beautiful thing Jimin had ever heard.

Jimin repeated that name over and over again in his head, and with little difficulty he located you and immersed himself in your life. He had to make sure that when he ‘met’ you, he would not be like that bumbling stranger, too weak to even reply to your kind words. He needed you to realise immediately that he was the one for you, your soulmate, as you were his.

Jimin grinned as his laptop started up again, finally fully charged up. When he woke he discovered that the battery had died as he had it playing all night while he slept. Jimin loved linking it to the live stream while you were asleep and then listening to your cute mumbles and sleepy groans, imagining that you were lying beside him, safely wrapped in his arms.

Usually, he would remember to plug it in so that it wouldn’t run out of charge, but Jimin had been a little distracted that night after you released some… strange noises in your sleep, noises that sounded like moans. Jimin was glad you didn’t say a name — he really didn’t have time to murder someone, what with all the workload on his hands — though your moans slightly tarnished his innocent vision of you.

Jimin knew you were undefiled, a fact that brought him great delight and daily erections. He knew this because during that dark period several months ago when you had that despicable ‘boyfriend’ hanging around you, a constant source of contention between you and him was the fact that you wouldn’t let the bastard touch you.

After he drunkenly attempted to pressure you into making out with him on your couch — a proposal you strongly rejected much to Jimin’s delight — the drunk asshole had left you, sobbing into your hands, to ‘get his dick wet’ elsewhere.

It really was too easy for Jimin to follow him out that evening. To knock him unconscious and then drag him into his rundown car. To place his heavy leg on the accelerator and let it speed into a tree, and watch him regain consciousness a second before the car collided and a branch fell through the windshield, stabbing him in the chest.

Jimin watched it all, and smiled, knowing you were safe from that monstrous son of a bitch. You were safe from everyone, as long as he was there to protect you. Not that you knew it yet, of course.

The cops ruled it as an accident caused by drunk driving, a verdict supported by your testimony of his behaviour earlier that night and his general reputation as an irresponsible party-goer. How that scumbag ever got you to go out with him was beyond Jimin, especially given all the work Jimin was putting in to even be worthy of your attention.

But it didn’t matter. After the death of your boyfriend, Jimin watched as you became happier, rising out of the depression that asshole had put you in. Though, to his consternation, you were spending more time with other people, even widening your previously small friendship group, it was worth it given that he was able to see your bright, joyful smile all the more often.

Jimin let out a groan of frustration as the livestream continued to take its sweet time loading. Thankfully, he had a day off today so he didn’t have to worry about being late to work, not that Taehyung was particularly strict about that sort of thing.

It was now 10 in the morning, a Saturday, so according to the rough schedule Jimin had worked out, scrawled on the inside cover of his diary and imprinted into his brain, you should be just starting to wake up. You were a bit of a late riser, but that just made Jimin love you all the more, imagining lazy mornings filled with kisses and pillow fights that devolved into indulgent morning sex.

An excited grin spread across his face when the picture finally cleared and he got to see your beautiful face. The grin dimmed slightly when he saw you were just putting the finishing touches to your outfit, seemingly leaving your apartment to go somewhere. Jimin scowled.

Who did you have to meet that was so important you would wake up specially to see them? He hurriedly got dressed, eyes still pinned on the live feed which made putting on his trousers a tad more difficult than usual.

Thankfully, he was able to be out of the door more or less the same time you were. He followed the now well-trodden route of shortcuts and back alleys that led to your apartment. Or rather, the road across from your apartment.

Jimin followed a block behind you, baseball cap pulled low over his face so you didn’t recognise him, watching as you strolled along the avenues, smiling to himself whenever you saw a pile of autumn-tinted leaves and jumped into them, creating a cacophony of crackles which made you giggle cutely. He almost regretted not bringing his camera to capture these adorable moments, but he knew it would look strange to the other pedestrians if they saw him following behind you taking photos.

Jimin finally realised where you were headed with a bittersweet smile. The coffee shop you loved, The Roasted Bean, which you frequented with your friends. He was hesitant to go in there, worried that your friends, stupid though they were, would notice his constant presence and poison you against him.

He couldn’t resist strolling up to the window, though. Watching as your face brightened when you saw your friends (who had already ordered without you, the ungrateful swine). He imagined a similar look appearing on your face whenever you saw him — except happier, because obviously you would be more excited to see your boyfriend rather than your friends. Maybe when he was coming home from work to greet you in your and his’ shared apartment.

A handwritten note stuck to the window distracted him from his reverence, something which originally irritated him but what he soon realised was in fact a blessing. The ‘help wanted’ sign, proclaiming that the shop needed a new barista, and that they didn’t mind if the applicant had no previous experience, was all Jimin needed to situate himself in your life.

After all, if he started working at the cursed coffee shop, he would get to see you every day when you visited in the mornings, and after that Jimin was sure it wouldn’t take long to make you fall in love with him.

Of course, if Jimin wanted to get the job at the coffee shop, he would have to do something about his proper, full-time job.

“Uh, Taehyung?”

Two heads popped up as Jimin knocked on the office door. They must have been having a meeting. Fuck, Jimin really didn’t want to have this conversation with Jungkook as a witness, but it seemed he had no choice as Taehyung waved him in and Jungkook showed no sign of getting up. On the contrary, he settled into the office chair and looked for all the world as if he wanted a bag of popcorn to snack on while he watched the conversation.

“What’s up?” Taehyung asked, and Jimin felt a slight lick of heat paint itself across his cheeks. He cleared his throat and pointedly ignored Jungkook’s snort.

“I want to cash in my vacation days.”

“Oh, really?” Taehyung’s brows flick up, “It’s… September. Shouldn’t you save them for… I don’t know, summer?”

“No, I want to use them now.” Jimin asserted, and Taehyung gave a puzzled little frown, before shrugging.

“Okay, well, there’s a a form you’ll have to fill in. How long are you thinking, a week? Two?”

“About two months, I think.” Jimin said, less confident than he would have liked, and Taehyung’s jaw dropped.

“Two months? Why on earth do you want to take two months off all of a sudden?” Taehyung asked incredulously, before his expression sobered abruptly. “Is there something wrong with your health?”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that, Taehyung-ah, don’t worry.” Jimin assured his friend quickly, “I just… want to pursue something else for a while, that’s all.”

“Want to pursue someone else, you mean.” Jungkook cackled, obviously casting off his role as a spectator, and Jimin fought to keep his expression unmoved. “You’ve been bright red ever since you stepped into this office.”

“It’s… warm.” Jimin muttered, and he wasn’t wrong, his cheeks certainly were warm at that point.

“It’s September, Jiminie,” Jungkook laughed, “and you’ve got a crush!”

“Is it true, Jimin-ah?” Taehyung asked delightedly, “You’ve found someone?”

“That’s hyung to you, brat.” Jimin snarled at Jungkook, ignoring Taehyung’s coos and his shouts to his girlfriend to come into the office. Jungkook stuck his tongue out at Jimin.

“Wow, look, hyung’s blushing.” Jungkook announced, before walking over to the office door and swinging it open. “Hey, everyone, get in here, look how red hyung’s cheeks are! Hyung looks like a strawberry!” Jungkook turned back to Jimin triumphantly as the rest of the boys came to the office to see what all the commotion was about. He gave Jimin a saccharine smile. “Is that better, hyung?”

“Respect your elders, kid.” Yoongi drawled as he reached the office, the rest of the floor in two. “Anyway, what the fuck is happening?”

“Yeah, why did you call me here, Taetae?” Taehyung’s girlfriend asked, who had come in from her section of the office and been promptly tugged onto Taehyung’s lap. He merely stared up at her, utterly besotted. Fuck, is that what Jimin would look like with you? Gross.

“No reason, I just missed you.” Taehyung smiled dopily at her, and she giggled, pressing a quick peck on his cheek and actually, Jimin would murder every single person in this room if you looked at him like that. Maybe affection isn’t so gross, as long as you’re involved.

But then Jungkook crowed, “Jiminie’s in love!” And affection very quickly became intolerable again.

“Shut up.” He snarled as they all begin laughing and cooing at him jokingly, “I’m just going to be leaving the office for a while.”

“What, so you can take a job at her favourite coffee shop and write love notes on her napkins?” Jungkook laughed, and Jimin-

Jimin looked at his shoes and used the age-old logic of if I can’t see them, they can’t see me.

“No-” Hoseok gasped, equally shocked and gleeful, but Jin interrupted him.

“Jimin,” He said calmly, and Jimin could just imagine his lips twitching up and down as he desperately tried not to break into peals of windshield-wipe laughter, “Look me in the eye and tell me you aren’t going to get a job as a barista as an attempt to get a girl.”

“He can’t look you in the eye, he’s too short.” Jungkook whispered, and Jimin generously refrained from hissing at him.

“I-” Jimin stuttered as he looked up and deep into Seokjin’s pitiless eyes, “I’m not-” He started to say, but… honestly no one can lie while looking at Kim Seokjin.

“She’s so cute!” Jimin bursted out, and immediately there was chaos. Several people were yelling. Hoseok somehow produced a bottle of champagne which he must’ve just been, like, carrying around with him, but Jimin simply did not care anymore.

“She’s so fucking cute all the fucking time and she goes to this coffee shop so fucking often, so if I become a barista there then I’ll see her every day! Do you understand?” Jimin asked, before shaking Jungkook — who had risen from his seat in celebration — frantically by the collar. “Every single day, Jungkook!”

“He’s worse than Taehyung!” Jungkook shouted gleefully, and Taehyung — who was still sat on his chair with his girlfriend — frowned.

“I- don’t know if I should be offended or not.”

“You should always be offended when it comes to Jungkook.” Namjoon told him sagely, and Jimin yelled a wordless noise of agreement.

His yell seemed to remind Taehyung of why Jimin came into his office in the first place, and he starts rifling through his desk, having to shift his girlfriend off his lap slightly to do so.

“Here, Jimin- sorry baby, this’ll just take a second — here’s the file for the vacation days.”

Taehyung passed Jimin a sheet of paper, having to lean around Hoseok, who had just started a conga — where the fuck was that music coming from? Who the fuck brought speakers to an office? — to give it to him. “Take as much time as you need.”

“Thanks, Taehyung-ah.” Jimin grinned as he left the office, pausing half-way out the door as he heard Taehyung call his name. He turned around to see his friend grinning at him.

“Good luck, Jimin. I hope it goes well.”

So do I, Jimin thought as he left the building, calling a taxi to take him to his next job, and (hopefully) closer to you.

You sighed as your alarm went off, jolting you from your dream. It was another romantic one — what a surprise, your friends would probably mutter sarcastically — but it truly hurt your heart to let it drift as your mind fully woke up. That was always the way. Real life coming to interrupt what you dreamed your life could be.

Another sigh escaped your lips as you imagined him. The one who starred in all your dog-eared romance novels, who would sweep you of your feet and take care of you, both in the bedroom and out of it.

In your head, you knew that you should probably want to be self-reliant and independent, values that your family and friends and teachers tried to drill into you, but you couldn’t help creating day dreams of a man whom you could trust enough to let yourself be truly submissive to him, to allow him to make all of the difficult decisions and comfort you when you got upset.

You used to be certain you would find him, your soulmate who would do anything for you, who would be endeared instead of weirded out by your odd quirks, who would love you no matter what happened, but to be honest you were starting to lose hope. With the disaster of your first ever relationship — the one that ended abruptly with his death — you vowed to stay away from boys until you found the one.

This inevitably led to you spending more time indoors and refusing whenever your friends wanted you to join them in going to all the hottest clubs, simply because you were tired of the whole thing. By now, you had pretty much accepted that you would die a spinster surrounded by fourteen cats.

Your alarm blared again, somehow more grating and obtrusive than the first time, and your eyes flicked to the analog display, swearing quietly when you saw the time. You stumbled out of bed, internally cursing the day you decided to sign up to an early morning lecture class, a bizarre decision considering you were so much not a morning person that you gave Garfield a run for his money.

Speed-walking to class, you were thankfully ahead of schedule since you managed to get dressed at the speed of light, forgoing any kind of beauty routine beyond jamming a toothbrush in your mouth and scrubbing frantically. By a rare stroke of luck, this class was quite small so not many people would bear witness to the horror that was bare-faced you with partial bed-head.

Since you, surprisingly, had more than enough time, you decided to pop into your favourite coffee shop. The familiar tinkling bell went off as you entered but, instead of greeting your favourite barista Rosa at the counter with a sunny smile and your usual order already prepared, you came face to face with the most beautiful man you had ever seen in your life.

You locked eyes with him and watched, awestruck, as his full, pillow lips tugged up into a smile, exposing his perfect teeth. His eyes almost disappeared as he grinned, turning into twin crescents above mochi cheeks, so soft and adorable that you felt all the thoughts you ever had fly out of your head, all replaced by one overwhelming sense of… something.

Something strange, that you had never felt before, which made your knees weaken imperceptibly as you made your way to the counter, closer to this Adonis in human form.

He obviously noted your flustered state, which only intensified your embarrassment, and his adorable expression melted into a smirk that had your heart racing and your libido awakening with a vengeance. It was just unfair. The barista somehow managed to be cuter than any puppy you had ever seen in your goddamn life, and then turn you on more than you thought was physically possible.

If this was what a sexual awakening was, you didn’t know how people managed to refrain from having sex all day, every day. And then you were struck with the image of having sex all day, every day, with the Greek God of a barista, and decided there was not enough holy water in the entire world to cleanse you from your sins.

“Hello,” the absurdly attractive barista said, after several minutes of you wordlessly floundering in equal parts of embarrassment and arousal.

“My name is Jimin. What would you like me to make you?” I’d like you to make me come, your traitorous mind suggested, causing even more heat to rise to your cheeks.

“H-Hello… Jimin.” you stuttered, praying for the sweet release of death. The Adonis- Jimin - watched you expectantly, gaze fluttering from your eyes — wide as a deer’s caught in the headlights — to your cheeks — probably so red they had surpassed the visible spectrum and were now emitting radiation — and he chuckled. You wanted to cry. Of course he’d be one of those people with low, sultry chuckles.

“Do you want to tell me your order, Princess?” He questioned, when it became clear you were more focused on not melting into a puddle than telling him what drink you wanted, and you became certain you had died and gone to hell. This was torture, having this perfect specimen of humanity in front of you, having him call you ‘Princess’ with his bedroom eyes dark and mischievous, and choking on your own tongue.

His eyebrow quirked — and of course his eyebrows were just fucking perfectly shaped — and you somehow managed to pull yourself together enough to remember the order you had given every damn day of your life since discovering this godforsaken place, the place you would never come back to due to a mixture of shame and self-preservation (there was a real possibility you might just die if you ever saw Jimin again).

“V-Vanilla latte… please.” You practically whimpered, too distracted with your own internal chaos to notice him cooing over your choice quietly.

“A cute drink for a cute girl.” He smirked again before striding to the espresso machine to fulfil your order, leaving you shocked on the other side of the counter. He called you cute. Cute.

You had never been more aware of your makeup-free face and unbrushed hair, quickly swept up into a messy bun. Fuck, you could've had dried up drool on the corner of your mouth and you wouldn’t have even known it. He returned with your order just in time to catch you running your tongue over your bottom lip, the pink muscle darting out just in case you had missed any on the side of your face.

If you hadn’t been so focused on your own appearance, you would have noticed Jimin falter for a second, his eyes widening, fixed on your mouth.

You caught his attention and sealed your lips together firmly, determined to not let him think you were some weirdo who licked her lips excessively in public. His dark gaze made your mouth go dry. You tried to subtly swallow down the lump in your throat, but his eyes tracked the bob under your skin.

The two of you stood in an oddly charged silence for a moment before he remembered himself and handed over your latte.

Your skin brushed his and you held your breath, his hand pausing over yours for what felt like an eternity, but it was still too soon when you forced yourself to pull back. He smiled again, the adorable mochi-cheeked smile that still managed to turn you on despite its sweet and innocent appearance.

“There you go, Y/n.”

You were so flustered by the sound of his pillow lips curving sensuously over the syllables of your name that you didn’t even question how he knew it, content to stumble backwards out of the shop. You were still caught in his gaze until you backed straight into the door, knocking you out of your stupor and causing you to practically fly out of the shop, his warm laughter chasing you up the street.

You barely heard a thing during the lecture, your pen had dried out after you uncapped it and then did not replace the cap for a solid forty minutes, letting it rest on your blank notepad. The professor had given up calling on you and asking you to pay attention, drawing the conclusion that this was an off-day for his normally-attentive student. You were actually very focused at that moment, it was simply just not directed at the professor.

You were pouring over your memories of Jimin, recounting with perfect clarity how his soft-looking hair fell over his forehead perfectly. It looked so pretty and you would sell your soul for a chance to run your fingers through it. The corners of his perfect lips tugged upwards into a smile a million times in your imagination, and you wondered what it would feel like to be kissed by those lips, to have those lips running all over your body, dipping downwards and tasting-

The professor signalling the end of the class could not have come at a better time, and you rushed out of your seat as fast as your shaky legs could carry you, the heat coiling in your belly tugging you home. You spared a moment to thank past-you for not scheduling any other classes today, because, judging by the slight damp spot in your panties that was growing embarrassingly quickly, you would be quite busy for a while.

Jimin rushed home as soon as his shift ended. His elation invigorated his steps to the point where he was practically skipping. Holy shit. Holy shit. He had met you. He had talked to you and you had blushed and stuttered and been perfect in every single way. He always thought there was no way he could love you more than he already did but that was just another way you changed his outlook on life.

Seeing your beautiful face, devoid of makeup and yet still you put any work of art to shame, and hearing your soft voice speak his name — you knew his name, holy shit — and smelling your sweet perfume was a life changing occurrence for Jimin.

Of course, he had smelt your perfume before — he wrote down what scent you preferred when he broke into your apartment to place the cameras and he had a pillow at home that he doused with the stuff so that it smelled like you — but experiencing it in real life was on a whole other level.

He got back to his apartment and switched on the live feed just in time to catch you coming back from your lecture. Jimin cooed softly at the sight of you, your eyes were wide and vacant, distracted, and your cheeks were adorably flushed, like you had been rushing. You dumped your bag by the door — Jimin couldn’t wait until he could be the one holding your bag for you, having you tucked under his other arm — and went straight to the bedroom.

Jimin switched the feed to the bedroom cam, holding his breath in anticipation. When you came home and went straight to the bedroom, that usually led to-

You flung yourself on the bed and started working your pants down. Jimin stopped breathing entirely as he felt all the blood in his body, and possibly some extra, rush down south. He knew he should look away, should let you have this moment in private, but he found himself unable to stop palming his erection through his jeans.

He pulled his hand away briefly to turn up the audio feed, and your soft moans filled the air. Jimin almost came on the spot, but he forced himself to wait, he promised he would never come before you. Your lower half was entirely bare and Jimin’s mouth watered at the sight of your pretty pussy, wet and glistening, positioned in the perfect spot for him to see it, for him.

He tugged himself out of his jeans and spread the beads of precome over the head of his cock distractedly, watching as you teased yourself open with one finger. Fuck, you were so fucking tight. He could see the slight discomfort on your face as you thrusted your finger into yourself again and again, obviously trying to get yourself adjusted as fast as possible.

Jimin felt a curl of jealously flare up within him, even as he started pumping his fist up and down his cock faster. What had made you so desperate to come? Who had done this to you? As far as he was aware, there hadn’t been anything new that day so far, unless-

You started to relax, the finger gliding in and out so easily, aided by the slick coating your digit. His mouth dried up just thinking about the taste of you. Jimin watched as your head fell back, your eyes rolling in their sockets, and your perfect lips parted.

“Jimin,” you moaned, and Jimin almost blacked out.

He was so hard it was physically painful, but he gripped the base of his cock tightly, unwilling to come because he knew if he did he would miss the rest of your magnificent performance. You were properly riding your hand now, your hips rolling to meet your own thrusts, eyes shut tight, imaging something- imagining him. Jimin had never felt such sweet torture, needing to come so badly, but needing to watch you come more.

You moaned his name again, sounding more debauched than the first time, and Jimin knew you were close. He wanted so desperately to know what you were imagining him doing, so that he could recreate it with you once he had you. It was like you had read his mind, because a second later you granted his wish.

“P-please, daddy.” You moaned, and Jimin whimpered, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold on.

Daddy.

You were going to be the cause of his death and Jimin found that he didn’t mind at all.

“Ple-ease,” your begging was interrupted by a drawn out moan, and if Jimin could have thought straight at that point, he would’ve frowned. Imaginary Jimin was much crueler than Real Life Jimin. Real Life Jimin knew without a doubt he would give you anything in the world if you begged him like that.

“Fuck me, daddy, please,” You cried out, somehow managing to add a third finger, thrusting into your tight, tight wet heat, “Fuck your princess.”

You called out his name again as you came, and Jimin lasted a few seconds watching you pant and ride through the aftershocks of your orgasm before he simply loosened his tight grip on the base of his cock and finished.

When he regained consciousness, you were still splayed out on your bed, seemingly unable to move just like he was, but if he could move he knew he’d be jumping around the room in elation. This was undoubtedly the best day of his life, maybe even better than the one in which he first caught a glimpse of your angelic face.

He had met you in person for the first time, and you had been so obviously flustered by his presence, which was something that delighted him more than he could say and he had thought the day could not have gotten any better, but then you went home and masturbated and moaned out his name and called him daddy and then came with his name on your lips and Jimin honestly didn’t know how he was still breathing.

You were perfect, and amazing, and Jimin was almost mad at himself for not realising just how perfect you would be. He hadn’t anticipated you being this affected by him so soon. He had planned to gradually introduce himself into your life, ‘coincidentally’ running into you outside of the coffee shop after a few weeks, slowly integrating hang-outs and seamlessly turning them into dates. Shyly confessing his feelings after a month of being ‘friends’.

Jimin was not exactly a patient man, but you mattered more than anything to him, and he knew that he would have to be careful until you were so in love with him that you wouldn’t leave no matter what. That would be the point where he would break out the diaries and the videos, and bask in your gratitude that he was so enamoured with you from the very moment he met you, just like those romantic heroes in the books you were so fond of.

But at this rate, Jimin was practically ready to start shopping for engagement rings. He knew your ring size, of course, and your jewellery preferences due to studying your buying habits, but he managed to calm himself down enough to realise you probably wouldn’t appreciate a proposal just yet. But you were certainly attracted to him. Very attracted, Jimin thought smugly. He couldn’t exactly fault you though, since he had looked in a mirror before.

Jimin was an attractive man, he was fully aware many would call him stunning, and now he finally met his match: you. God, Jimin could not wait to see how amazingly perfect your children would be.

You chewed your lip as you ran over the dilemma in your head. It had been two days since you last went to The Roasted Bean. Coincidentally, it was also two days since you saw the most attractive man on the planet. And two days since you had the most intense orgasm you’d ever experienced.

You were seriously craving your caffeine fix, and a small, perverted part of you that was heavily repressed was desperate to catch another glimpse of the beautiful barista, Jimin. But the last time you saw him, you embarrassed yourself so much you wouldn’t be surprised if he turned on his heels and fled at the sight of you.

It was so annoying. You had waited your whole life to meet the perfect guy, but the second you meet him, you realise that you can’t spend longer than three seconds in his presence without melting into a puddle of goo.

After another five minutes spent deliberating outside the coffee shop in the chilly weather, your nose had turned so red you could practically see its glowing reflection in the cafe window. You decided that the chances of Jimin even having a shift now were very slim, and it was even less likely that he would remember you.

He probably got reactions like that (maybe slightly less embarrassing ones) every day given how stupidly attractive he was. He probably had girlfriends to spare. You scowled. Getting jealous over a stranger’s hypothetical girlfriends? Wow, you really have hit a new low, you taunted yourself.

The door opened suddenly, shocking you out of your thoughts so much that you jumped, much to the amusement of whoever opened the door, judging by their chuckle. You looked up at them, and then regretted every life choice that brought you to that exact moment.

It was Jimin, because of course it was, and he looked as stunning as ever, his complexion glowing, his eyes shining, his existence in general devastating. He was in his cute little barista outfit, a fitted white button up and black apron that might as well be a runway look for how much it suited him.

“Are you going to come in, Y/n?” Holy shit he knows my name, you screamed to yourself, vaguely hoping your face had an expression of pleasant detachment and not the strange amalgamation of shock, delight and arousal that you were experiencing. He chuckled, shaking his head slightly as if privy to some inside joke.

“Yes, of course I know your name, Y/n.” You stopped dead in your tracks. Could barista boy read your mind?

“No, I can’t, you just say everything you’re thinking out loud, which is very cute. And you can call me Jimin, you know.” Oh, if you thought you were embarrassed last time, that was a sweet walk in the park compared to today. You cleared your throat quietly, refusing to let yourself be dumbstruck again.

“I do call you Jimin.” You replied, trying to make him believe that you remembered his name because God, you were unlikely to forget it. For some reason, this made him pause for a second, his expression darkening and his tongue darting out to wet his lip.

“I know you do, baby.” He said, low enough that you questioned whether he said it at all, and he had already moved past, slipped behind the counter as you advanced to be opposite him, just like you were when you first met.

“Vanilla latte, right?”

You really should stop getting shocked by Jimin’s seemingly eidetic memory.

“You remember my drink?”

“When a customer is as beautiful as you are, Princess, you tend to remember their drink.” You elected to ignore the way that nickname had your toes curling in your boots, and instead fixated on the pinch of jealousy in your gut.

“I guess you must remember many customers orders then.” You knew you sounded too jealous for someone he barely knows, but your strange possessive behaviour seemed to please him, for a small grin tugged his mouth upwards.

“Nope, just you, Princess.”

“Are you flirting with me?”

The question blurted itself out, bypassing both your common sense and your anxiety. Jimin, however, replied promptly.

“Yes.” His confidence, evident in the way he leaned over the counter and into your space, began to falter as you just stared at him wordlessly. “That is, if you want me to-”

“I do!” You blurted out again, and you really needed to gain a filter, but his confident smirk returned.

“Actually, I was going to say: if you want me to stop-”

“I don’t!” Jimin let out a laugh, eyes crinkling in the most adorable way, before he continued.

“Will you ever let me finish what-”

“No.” At that, he threw his head back, releasing a peal of laughter that you swore could’ve lit up the world with its brightness.

He finally stopped laughing, his eyes still swimming with ill-concealed mirth. You were pretty sure your cheeks were about three seconds away from setting the coffee shop and the surrounding neighbourhood aflame, so it was a relief when Jimin turned to the machine, snapping the mechanism into place, even if you felt a hint of disappointment when you lost sight of his beautiful smile.

God, even his back is sexy, you thought, watching as he tinkered with the various machinery behind the counter. At one point, he bent over to check the positioning of the cup and, well, you had never really paid attention to any guy’s ass before but maybe you should start because damn.

Finally, Jimin turned back to you with a perfectly made latte in his hands. You noted how cute his fingers were absently as they brushed yours. But, when you made to grab your drink, he retracted it suddenly, a Cheshire Cat grin on his face.

“Not so quickly, Princess.” You humphed,

“It’s funny, Jimin, you claim to know my name but you never use it.” He laughed again and you tried to convince yourself that your heart wouldn’t always skip a beat at that sound.

“Oh, so you want me to use your name, huh?”

“It’s only fair, considering you wanted me to use your name, Jimin.”

“Alright then, Y/n.” He purred, bending down to scribble your name on the cup, a bit unnecessary considering he could’ve just handed it right to you, but you got the sense he was trying to drag out your interaction for whatever reason.

He straightened up, the glint of mischief present again in his eyes, and you prepared yourself for another verbal sparring match.

“Do you not want me calling you Princess, then?” He winked at you as he said the nickname, which was frankly quite rude. You would have to send him a bill for all the batteries he made you buy, since your vibrator was definitely going to be running out of power soon thanks to him.

“I didn’t say that.” You hated how quiet and meek your voice came out.

“Oh, it sounds like poor little Y/n’s a bit confused. What do you prefer? Y/n? Or Princess?”

“S-stop it. You’re not funny. I’m going to class.” You spun around and marched towards the door, trying to ignore his laughter following you.

“Baby!” Jimin yelled, and, for some reason, you turned around.

“What?”

Jimin smirked when you responded to the new nickname. “Since you couldn’t decide, I thought I’d use Baby instead. Do you like it?”

“No! I mean, yes- no, I don’t. Goodbye.”

“Baby! Aren’t you forgetting something?” At that, you finally exploded, all the sexual frustration caused by him bubbling to the surface.

“What?” You yelled, “You want a kiss farewell?”

“I was going to say you’d forgotten your drink but, since you asked, I wouldn’t mind a kiss.”

You stomped back to grab your drink, avoiding his eye contact like the plague. As you took the cup your fingers brushed his and the odd, frustrated tension between the two of you dissipated into something almost tender. His skin was so soft and warm. Everything about him seemed so cozy and inviting, and hopeless romantic part of you wanted to sink into his arms and never be let go of.

You left before your tongue released the stupid feelings you were longing to express. Jimin couldn’t even watch you go because he was smiling so wide his eyes had disappeared into little crescents.

“-and then he called me baby!”

“Awww-” “Ew!”

Two very different reactions emerged from your friends as the three of you sat cross legged in your friend’s apartment, a haphazard ‘study session’ with open textbooks spread across the floor beside a half-empty takeout pizza box.

“Buttercup!” Two of you whined simultaneously at the third girl, who remained unbothered, tipping her head back to dangle a stretched slice of cheese into her mouth. The three of you had been practically joined at the hip since birth, and — due to an adolescent obsession with ‘The Powerpuff Girls’ — you each had a corresponding nickname, which had stuck as the years passed you by.

You had been nicknamed Blossom, due to your — usually — level head and desire to make peace whenever your two friends were fighting. Your friend — the one who had cooed at the ending of your story — was chosen to be Bubbles, given that she was the personification of candy floss and possibly the closest thing Earth had to a real life fairy.

Your second, much more cynical friend who was currently finishing her slice of pizza and determinedly not looking at Bubble’s puppy eyes, was Buttercup. Self-proclaimed hater of all romance. Given what happened with her parents in your teenage years, you couldn’t really blame her.

“That’s so romantic.” Bubbles sighed dreamily, before huffing slightly. “I wish you hadn’t told me that tonight. I have to study for-” She flushed delicately, “Mr Kim’s lecture and now I won’t be able to think about anything else but my maid of honour speech at your wedding.”

“Hey!” Buttercup interjected, “I’m going to be maid of honour!”

“But you don’t even like weddings-” Bubble started to protest, and you cut them both off.

“There will be no maid of honour!” You announced shrilly, before forcing yourself to relax. “And also, Bubble, you don’t need to study for Mr Kim’s lecture. It’s not like it’s a class or anything, he’s just a guest lecturer.”

“Yes, but…” Bubble mumbled, docilely accepting the pizza slice that Buttercup held up to her face and continuing to speak through a mouthful, “I wuhmfda fimprsh im.”

“What?”

Buttercup scowled, but translated for you.

“She wants to impress him. Gross.” She turned to Bubble. “Isn’t he, like, forty?”

“First of all, he’s in his mid-twenties at most,” You admonished Buttercup as Bubble let out an indignant wail, “and second of all, we were talking about my problem!”

“Oh, what was that again?” Buttercup drawled. You snatched the pizza slice out of her hand in retaliation.

“Jimin! The hot barista! Calling me baby! And, just, existing in general!”

“Oh, that,” Buttercup sighed, as if you hadn’t literally just been talking about it. “That’s simple. Just bang him.”

“I- You- What?” You spluttered as Bubble giggled quietly.

“You’re thinking of this too romantically, like you always do.” Buttercup continued, sounding fantastically confident for someone who had even less experience with relationships than you did. “You just need to bang him and realise that the feelings you’re having are all just repressed horniness.”

“I mean, I would’ve put it differently, but… I agree.” Bubble chirped, paying no attention to your embarrassed whine, “He definitely… sounds attracted to you, and clearly he’s not alone in that.”

“But… I’m a virgin.” You argued dumbly, and Buttercup snorted.

“Do you want to stay a virgin for the rest of your life?”

“No,” You replied, frowning, “…but… it’s kind of a big deal to me. I want it to be special.”

“Haven’t you already said that the guy is like the hottest person on the planet or something like that?” Buttercup asked, raising a lazy eyebrow. “Isn’t that special enough?”

You didn’t reply, too busy blushing furiously, and Bubble squeaked with excitement.

“Oh my god! He’ll be your one and only! This is so exciting!” She cheered, before abruptly slumping down. “I really wish you had told me this after Mr Kim’s lecture. I can’t study now, I’m too excited.” She mumbled forlornly, shutting the textbook and grabbing another slice of pizza. Your mind was still stuck on Buttercup’s suggestion.

“I mean… I barely know him. I just know his name. And his smile. And the way his eyes twinkle when he laughs, oh my god it’s so cute-”

“Y/n,” Buttercup interrupted you, a rare use of your actual name stopping you in your tracks as she framed your face with her hands and shook it gently. “Bang. Him.”

“I-”

“No, no,” She chided you, putting a finger over your mouth, “No overthinking. Just… do what you want to do. Okay?”

Okay, you repeated to yourself. What you want to do. What you want to do…

But what do you want to do?

“I want you to ask me out!” You blurted over the counter the next morning when you walked into the coffee shop and saw Jimin’s back facing you as he cleaned out the milk-frothing machine.

It was only when he turned around that you realised the guy was decidedly not Jimin, and this random stranger was now looking at you confusedly as you debated the advantages and disadvantages of sprinting out of the shop and directly into oncoming traffic.

It would be a quick and painless death, you mused absently, certainly much less painful than this-

“Y/n?” A voice interrupted your thoughts and you whirled around to see Jimin standing in front of the staff door, seemingly just ended his shift with his uniform off. Oh no, he’s even hotter without the apron, you realised miserably.

His gaze darted between you and not-Jimin, something strange and unfamiliar solidifying in his eyes.

“I didn’t know you knew Sungwoon.” He commented mildly, before shooting an abrupt glare at the other barista- Sungwoon, who hurriedly went back to work.

“Oh, I don’t.” You told him immediately, feeling some kind of compulsion to tell him the truth, “I thought he was you.”

The — anger? you weren’t quite sure, only directed at Sungwoon though, not at you — on Jimin’s face melted as realisation dawned. “Oh-” Then his face did something strange, morphing into a smirk which had you biting your lip. “Oh.” He purred, stepping closer to you. “So… you wanted to tell me something, baby?”

Oh no. He called you baby again. Someone call Life Alert.

“I- uh-” You stuttered, thoughts grinding to a halt as he approached you. And then closed his hand around your wrist. He was closing his hand around your wrist. If Bubble were here she’d be having a fit.

“Let’s go and sit down in a booth, huh?” He said smoothly, before tugging you along to the most secluded corner of the coffee shop. After he guided you onto the cushioned bench, he didn’t sit across from you, sliding right in next to you so you could feel the warmth emanating from his skin. He didn’t let go of your wrist.

You were trapped between the wall and him, and as he smirked down at you, you thought that the wall was probably more merciful.

“Anyway, baby, you were saying?”

All the courage which had somehow flooded into you as you stormed into the cafe had abandoned you, wasted on the not-Jimin who had moved onto wiping down the tables, studiously avoiding your corner.

“I…um,” You mumbled, wringing your fingers together nervously. Jimin stopped you by releasing his hold on your wrist and moving his hand upwards to intertwine with yours instead. Your breath hitched as he smoothed a thumb over the back of your hand gently.

“It’s okay, baby.” He said, his voice soft and comforting, “Just say it. I promise… whatever it is-” His lip quirked up slightly, “I won’t say no. I would never say no to you.”

“Never say never.” You mumbled, and he chuckled. You could feel the warm puffs of air brushing your cheek.

“Okay, um, please don’t laugh. I know we don’t really know each other or anything, but… I… like you.”

“You like me?” Jimin parroted, and you would worry he was mocking you, but his eyes were far too happy for that.

“Uh huh,” You replied quietly, squeezing his hand. He took your other hand in his, and you squeezed that one as well.

“Like… like me like me?” He asked, and you could tell he was joking now, so you whined and gave him a half-hearted shove. He shifted slightly, only to rear back and cage you in his arms, dragging you onto his lap.

“I’m sorry, baby,” He murmured, burying his nose in your neck, and you felt like you were going to melt in the middle of the cafe. All those romance books never told you how embarrassing it was to have someone actually pay attention to you. “You just look so pretty when you get teased. My cute little baby.”

You squirmed on his lap, and his hands came to grip your hips securely.

“Baby’s a little restless?” Jimin asked, his voice low, and you let out another little whine. His hands tightened.

“Does this mean… does this mean you like me too?” You asked timidly, and he huffed a laugh against your hair.

“What do you think, Y/n?” He asked, squeezing your hips playfully. After a moment, he softened, tilting his neck slightly to plant a kiss on the crown of your head. “I like you too much.” He said simply, making you flush.

“Well, that’s good, because I like you too much too.”

“You might even say that I like you-” Jimin wiggled his eyebrows, “-a latte!”

You didn’t react, and Jimin’s smile dimmed slightly.

“You know, because I’m a barista?”

“Actually, never mind, I don’t like you that much-” You said as you tried to shift off his lap, but he held you firmly, tugging you back with a smug laugh.

“No, baby, you won’t get away that easy.”

He pressed you back against the wall bordering the booth, and-

So this is what true love’s kiss is like, you thought, before you stopped thinking altogether.

His lips were soft against yours, but insistent as they slanted over your mouth and pressed urgently until you gave in and parted your lips. He swallowed your whimpers as he skilfully twisted his tongue around yours, licking and sucking and biting and-

He drew back so both of you could catch your breath, and you slumped forwards into him.

“Now I’ve got you…” He said, his voice gravelly from the kiss. You did that, you realised smugly. “Now I’ve got you, I’m never letting you go.”

You hummed happily, curling into his arms without protest. Of course he’d never let you go. Why would you want him to? You’ve finally found your fairytale ending, except you hope it never ever ends. And, just like he promised, Jimin never lets you go again.

#bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts #bts imagines #yandere bts #bts x reader #bts scenarios #yandere bangtan #bts jimin #bts jimin imagines #yandere jimin #soft yandere jimin #mfeeu #yandere jimin x reader #yandere bts x reader

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reasonablespeculation · 4 years

Note

I’m going to warn you, I’m posting this on multiple blogs ONLY because I’m hoping someone on his team, or maybe even Seb himself sees it, and NOT to be one of those annoying anons. I’m hoping we can spread this and stop the madness because it’s breaking my heart to think this could possibly be the real Sebastian Stan. He may not care about his fandom right now, but who does he think buys con stuff, or movie merchandise and pays tons and tons of money to meet him? For normal people like us, that’s a lot of money to fork out because we are not born into it like some yacht girls are. It’s not just the random people or casual fans who see his movies. When my husband took me to see The Last Full Measure, our friends came too. They wouldn’t have seen it in the theatre unless I had picked it. If regular fans had to pick between Bucky and bigger marvel characters, they’re not picking Bucky. People like us are picking Bucky (or used to). I’d pick him over RDJ, but I doubt any of my kids or husband would! That’s what he isn’t thinking about. Seb has lost his marbles and I am hoping if someone sees this that is close to him, it may be his first marble he picks back up. - - - XOXO

I’m actually going to answer this because I see you absolutely twisting yourself into knots over this and I’ve been told much of the fandom is in a similar state. Let me get real real with you here. I really say this, from the bottom of my heart, with love.

There is no madness to stop (other than the madness of wealth and privilege and I can assure you that ain’t gonna change by “our” efforts). All of the people involved are adult humans with careers, relationships, all the associated responsibilities of life. They have the best health care and therapy money can buy. They have teams and families and support networks that many of us could only dream of.

There is no “real” Sebastian Stan for us. The sooner everyone accepts that we do not know that man, the better.

(I’m giving that its own paragraph because it’s the most important thing I’m saying. If you don’t hear anything else I say, take this one home with you.)

Since we are not able to know him as a real human, we create narratives based on his actions. The absence of coherence between your narrative of him and his actions is what’s hurting you right now. And I don’t say that to diminish the hurt. The hurt is real. I’ve felt it and I deeply regret that you’re feeling it.

Let’s say Seb dumps Ale tomorrow, flies back to NY after filming, never again travels during a global pandemic. How does that erase his actions for you? How does that change the fact that he is a person who does those things, which we can safely assert, because he did those things.

I feel like some people want there to be some dramatic reason that he would act this way. Like the shadowy forces of the agency, “PR”, whatever. Would it comfort you for him to be doing all of this because some mysterious PR person told him to? It does the opposite for me, that a man with so much privilege and freedom would go against his own morals because someone told him to. (Ditto the “Ale is changing him” idea, which also has deeply problematic layers of misogyny and “evil seductress” vibes that frankly are beneath all of us to buy into.)

I need y’all to accept, for your own sakes, the basic premise that: Sebastian is doing what he’s doing because he wants to and/or he doesn’t not want to.

How can I make this clearer? His actions matter. They fucking matter! The way we move through the world matters. I’m not saying he’s evil, but he is a person who made choices. He can’t go back to the old Sebastian because that person never existed except in our fantasies (this is a loaded word choice but I stand by it). He has always, fundamentally, been the same person, and no matter what he does in the future he will continue to be the person who did these things. His actions can’t be erased. They can certainly be forgiven, if that would make you feel better, but it won’t matter to him.

I feel like you also think he owes the fandom something when it comes to his personal life and behaviours. He does not. He never has.

I really really hope for your sake that you are able to come to accept the marbles where they are. There is no swooping avenger coming to save us from Seb being Seb. If those marbles are tripping you up this much, I really think you need to reevaluate this fandom’s presence in your life and the energy (and the type of energy, positive or negative) you’re devoting to it. Then allow yourself to sweep those marbles out the door and move on. Not right away. Give yourself the time and space to grieve this. Even if Seb isn’t, the emotions are real. I have to say again, I was there. I wish I could sit with you as you experience them. I wish I could make you a cup of tea.

I know things are hard right now and it’s difficult to imagine filling the void where this fandom was. I can tell you from personal experience that you will find something to fill that void. You’ll be able to look back on this with fondness, maybe some nostalgia, a wry chuckle. You will find something else that brings you joy. You will bring these lessons into your new fandom and you will be wiser and stronger for it. You will feel that rush of love and excitement and creative energy for something new. It feels fucking amazing. Be strong enough to go after it.

Big luv,

#long post #soapbox talks

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marshmallowprotection · 3 years

Text

Iris

Pairing: Choi Saeran/Reader, 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character

Description: Was there faith in a false paradise with a savior that spilled honey sweet lies to make you agree? There is no life to be found amongst those in a rotting flowerbed, only those clinging to the roots as the world awaits your demise. Why is he still here when others had long been plucked from the dying earth? And better yet, why are you still here after everything, clinging to his roots as if he’ll bring you life? Or is he the one clinging to you?

SE Saeran x Former Believer Reader

Word Count: 8500

Previous Chapter Next Chapter [TBA]

[Read On AO3]

Chapter Thirteen

“What?”

“...”

Saeran’s hand recoiled from your body the second that you’d said that name. The name that he’d only heard in his nightmares and night terrors. He felt hiswha heart start to tremble and shake with such dread. He hadn’t heard anyone say that name except when he had screamed it alongside his nightmares. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. Hearing that name from your lips made him want to retch.

It haunted him and… it was chasing him even in his waking life. Somehow, Jihyun knew who you were and what you meant to him. He never even once thought that Jihyun was an option. He just couldn’t bring himself to think that it was possible… since that man seemingly appeared out of the blue one day when he was amid Paradise and the Savior—no, no, Rika—had demanded that he listen to Jihyun.

He never thought...

He had never thought for a single moment that that would ever be something that would happen. Saeran had done everything humanly possible within his reach to make sure that nobody would have any idea who you were. It was everything that he could do at the time because he only had so much power within his hands. He was only allotted so much power for a reason.

He tried to delete everything about you that he could that would ever scrutinize your past. You were meant to be a blank slate just like anyone else that was within the walls of that place. He had done his damnedest to make sure that nothing existed about you that would get you into trouble for anything. Saeran hadn’t even realized why he was doing it at the time. It wasn’t until later that he realized—

A part of him wanted to leave Mint Eye to be with you. This part of him that he thought had been dead for a long time… like a little whisper in the back of his head that said to believe in hope and a world of chance. A weak-willed voice that dared to dream of something different from what safety defined. The part of him that was supposed to be dead… it had told him to try, and he wasn’t the type to listen to orders.

That dangerous thought was something that he would never act on, but seeing you in that state of torture? It made something inside of him snap. It felt like the thorns that had been holding him in place for so long had started to cut so deeply into his skin that he needed to cut them away if he’d wanted to live.

In a way, he had snapped the briars and thorns but he did so by locking you away and destroying lives. You were supposed to be found and brought to safety. He hadn’t made any plan other than that, he had enough clarity to know that Rika was going to do something horrible. Even if he had believed in her and wanted to cling to the hope that she would’ve listened to him. He knew deep down at that point that she wasn’t going to listen. Even if damned himself, he had enough in mind to keep you safe.

Even as he lost control of himself, you weren’t meant to ever be around him ever again, he decided that he needed to get you out. He wasn’t wrong to assume that his twin had called the RFA to try to come after them, and he held out that you would be okay, but if he had managed to tell Rika to do otherwise, he didn’t know what he would’ve done. He wasn’t sure that he would’ve been able to do anything.

His devotion back then had been his livelihood.

Without it, he was more or less nothing.

He had planned on getting on his knees and begging if he had to, but when he stormed into the throne room? She had changed all the rules of the book and finally broke everything inside of him with the wave of her hand. She screamed at him and he realized that he meant nothing to her and that’s how he wound up in this place. It shattered him and he broke down. He had just been a tool to him all that time, and she didn’t love him like a son.

He was disposable.

After all those years of pushing himself to his limit for her sake and for what he thought was going to make him happy, he meant nothing to paradise and neither did you. It broke him. It broke him and the pieces were still digging into his skin day after day. He was doing better now but hearing all of this was chipping away at what little progress he had made.

Those memories were behind him but they were also dead ahead. He knew that finding you again was a sign that he couldn’t run anymore but now that he knew what his plans were for nothing, he felt sick and angry. He felt so angry that his blood was starting to boil and the tense feeling in his jaw felt like it was going to snap into two.

This wasn’t who he wanted to be anymore, his anger was enough to destroy him and to destroy anyone who got close to him, but he didn’t want to be someone that broke things mindlessly in the world anymore, he didn’t want that, he didn’t, he didn’t—

But hearing you say that name had made Saeran Choi spiral.

That had been his plan and he intended on keeping it. He had no idea how anyone had found you but he wanted answers. Now he was even angrier to know that the reason why you were even here in the first place was because of V. It was one thing when he just assumed it was Jumin… hunting for answers and ignoring the boundaries.

However, in those last weeks that he was living in Magenta, it felt like he didn't understand what was happening around him. Nothing he knew was adding up anymore. He started doing things that just didn't line up with what he once believed in. He started taking risks and doing things that he never would have done before meeting you. After the incident in the apartment went wrong, it felt like he had no idea who he was anymore.

It was like he was living in a state of delusion that wouldn’t go away. He threw away your elixir and made you fake ones… he realized that his Savior had started lying to him and the process of being hurt by the person who promised him to always love him changed him. He committed to that damned place for years of his life and she repaid him by torturing him and trying to use you as a puppet against him.

A puppet… not even a person, just a toy that could be held over his head and used to make him do anything she wanted. Coming to realize that had weighed on his shoulders and it wasn’t until she had broken him that he figured it all out and the truth set him on a different path. You changed his world and he repaid you by locking you away and trying to keep you from him and the very place that you found solace.

Deep down, he knew that you weren’t meant for Mint Eye in the first place, they had preyed upon you in a vulnerable state… as they did with anyone else who joined. You might have been angry at yourself and what you suffered, but you had a good heart that wasn’t cruel and vindictive. At the end of the day, you were someone worth saving.

He had never met anyone like that and the fact did not pass his mind readily. Saeran had been drawn to you for a reason. A reason that he knew very well and it had to do with the Irises, Lilies, and Roses. Those memories were gone from the present but they lingered in his field of vision as he tried to make sense of his reality and the more that he imagined you from the start to where you were now, he felt angrier with your position.

Even if you were willing to do things for his sake, you weren’t a bad person like he was. Even if you had done things by his side, you weren’t doing it to hurt others because you liked pain. Even if you bite your tongue and never show your heart, you would never turn your anger onto anyone, you’d press your hand into his and let the feeling sweep you away. However, most important, there was one thing you weren’t that he was.

You weren’t a murderer like he was, either.

The blood was pumping so hard that he could hear it in his head as he stood up and glowered at Jumin Han with everything he had in his bones. He didn’t stop to think twice about what he was doing, storming across the room and shoving Jumin against the wall, it caused a loud thud but it seemed as though the businessman wasn’t even phased by what happened. The shock was written on his face but at the same time, he seemed as if he prepared for that.

Saeran didn’t like that.

His voice felt foreign to him as he growled, “You mean to tell me your boyfriend is the one that bought [Y/N] into this mess? Not only that, you used me as a bargaining chip to get them to talk to you in the first place?”

“[Y/N] has consented to everything we’ve discussed. They are not forced to speak of anything that has happened to them if they don’t want to. Their testimony is already enough to deal with what is to come with the trial,” Jumin’s voice was calm and almost too composed given the fact that Saeran had him pinned. “I have never forced them to speak of you. There have been no grounds to speak about you given the circumstances of your security needs.”

“Bullshit,” Saeran scoffed.

“I understand your animosity but frankly, trying to lash out at me isn’t going to change the fact that what is done is done, Saeran.”

“ What’s done is done, Saeran, ” he sneered, his voice laden with sarcasm and vitriol that he couldn’t deny in any way. “Cut the crap, bastard. Don’t tell me you’re trying to play the moral high-card like you always fucking do. Nobody believes it. They never did. We all know you’re barely hanging on right now, drinking yourself to death, and trying to use others to find out what he didn’t want you to know in the first place.”

His fists clenched tightly at the collar of Jumin’s shirt and his eyes began to feel damp, “You know, if he would’ve come to you a long time ago and asked for help with his girlfriend who wanted power to manipulate others into never leaving her while hiding the fact that he broke his promises to protect that idiot and me, maybe none of us would have this problem in the first place! Better yet, he could’ve just done us all a favor and got rid of himself before he ruined our lives! I would’ve fucking been grateful if I never had the displeasure of—”

The bitter laugh that shook and rumbled inside of his chest haunted him. But, he couldn’t stop himself now that the dread started to pile up inside of him again. He was losing control of himself as he shoved Jumin harder, not paying any attention to the sounds of banging and trashing that he heard around him.

It was like the world was dissolving around him and only the anger burned. It lingered and he couldn’t stop himself. He knew that he couldn’t. He knew that he was going to ruin all of his progress and hurt himself but he was so angry that he couldn’t stop. It was his curse, this anger inside of him burned like a venom that had yet to be removed because no vein was strong enough to remove it.

He never wanted to be this man again.

But, he was so angry and someone had to pay for it. He was so fucking angry that he needed to do something about it before he lost everything that he wanted to hold onto. He shook Jumin again as his hands dug into the fabric of his shirt.

“How dare any of you! How dare all of you! I’ve already suffered in hell and I live in hell every day of my fucking life now because of what happened. The only fucking peace I had was knowing that [Y/N] was out there somewhere safe because nobody knew they were connected to me in the first place! Yet, once again, that bastard went against everything I wanted and he snatched it away from me again! How do you think I feel about any of this?!”

You…

He had done everything to protect you in the end and it still didn’t even matter. They stomped on his thoughts and hopes like they were nothing and for what? His life was merely a game that many people wanted to play and this was the price of that. This was the price of their games. He refused to be a pawn anymore. He was tired of being a toy. He had always been a prop for other people to help themselves.

Never again.

Never.

Never fucking ever.

“It’s funny because sometimes I think he wanted to suffer in silence because he liked it better that way. He liked suffering because suffering was all he knew. He looked me into my eyes and told me he would protect me and then he left me to rot! His life was chaos therefore he damned all our lives with chaos, lie to yourself, tell yourself all you want, but it’ll never change the fact that that bastard failed all of us, and what does he have left to show for it?! A pile of dirt with his name on it because I fucking killed him— ”

The broken laugh that escaped him was the most pathetic sound that he had ever heard. Saeran didn’t realize it yet but there were tears in his eyes and his body couldn’t stop shaking. Saying those words aloud for the first time made him feel sick and like the world had started to spiral around him, Saeran had been in denial for a long time because he blacked out that day with the gun in his hands and his panic surged over him, letting him—

Did he even shoot with intent to—

Did that even matter when he—

Monster.

You’re a monster! You’re a miserable monster who destroys everything he touches! It’s your fault, it’s your fault! You ruined all of it! His mind screamed at him as he stood there in the horror of his words, and the voice sounded so much like his mother it made him recoil and jump away from Jumin out of fear from the sound.

Saeran was standing there again, the sound of the church bells striking against the ground almost as if the Mint Eyes were counting down the final moments in his memory.

His vision had started to fade and his body disobeyed him, feeling lost and confused, afraid of being dragged down into the basement where he wouldn’t be able to get you out alive, afraid of realizing that his purpose in life was meaningless, afraid of thinking that maybe his brother had cared, afraid of thinking that for once, maybe V had been right—

The memory flashed over and over in his mind… playing in slow motion as he lifted his gun and clutched his head, screaming in agony and begging for the pain to stop. He hadn’t even looked at the room around him until someone tried to touch him and get close to him, and V had been the one to get too close to the sun.

He closed his eyes and his hands acted without thinking, fearing he was going to be killed or destroyed or thrown away—

Bang.

Silence.

Bang.

Silence.

Bang.

Silence.

Bang.

Silence and then… the sounds of screaming and wailing as his body succumbed to shock and he passed out where he stood. Bloodstained his clothes and his hands to such a degree that he could feel the sticky warmth against his hands. It wouldn’t go away, it wouldn’t go away, it was all his fault. It was all his fault and he couldn’t take it back, he had done what he thought he always had wanted to do but it felt like hell.

It wasn’t the paradise that he had been sold all that time and you weren’t with him. He was alone and he was going to—

It was like the walls were closing in and there were hundreds of eyes watching him from all sides and they were judging him for—

His own words haunted him and he wasn’t sure if he was screaming them or if his memory was the one saying them. "Get away from me! All of you! Don't come near me! If you take one step closer, then I'll kill everyone in this room! If any of you come near me, I’m going to— I’m going to— I’ll, I’ll—”

“Saeran, you’re safe,” Saeran felt a breath escape him as he looked over in the direction of that familiar voice and he found himself looking into his brother’s eyes. The terror was written over his face must’ve been horrible because Saeyoung looked like he was about to cry. His brother approached him and the two of them sank to the ground together as Saeran’s legs caved underneath him and the dread pooled inside of him.

“You’re not there anymore. This isn’t Mint Eye. You’re here with me and I’m not going to leave you again. You’re safe. You’re not in danger and nobody’s going to hurt you. You don’t need to protect yourself. There’s no danger here. I promise. I promise you that.”

Reality came flooding forward all at once. He was in Jumin’s building and he had come to meet with you to talk about everything. But, he lost control of himself when he heard about what had happened to you and what you went through. He lost control of himself and everything that he’d shoved away had come to the surface.”

Saeyoung must have known.

He must have known this was going to happen.

He would’ve been listening and on standby, huh? That made sense. They didn’t trust Saeran to act normally so they wanted Saeyoung to be his watchdog. While that made him sick, he didn’t have the strength to shove his brother away just yet. His stupid voice had been what pulled him out of the episode, anyway.

Why couldn’t he stop shaking?

“Iris… Iris… she’s going to take them away… away… they’re going to take Iris away now, I can’t… I can’t… I can’t stop… no good… no good… not good enough… they… they’re locked away… I can’t... I can’t… I—”

“They’re okay, Saeran. They’re right there.”

And he turned his head to look back at you, only to see that you had covered your mouth in shock and distressed tears had begun to escape your eyes. The sight physically pained him as he realized he lost control of himself again and he revealed the truth of his crimes in front of you. He wanted to reach out for you but his body wouldn’t let him. This was what he wanted to avoid when he had met you again.

He was utterly and completely disgusted with himself and the tremors just wouldn’t stop. You hadn’t run yet but the fact remained, even if you knew his monster, this was a devil, and much, much more than knowing his ugly thoughts. You knew many of the things that he thought and wanted to do with the world at large. But, this wasn’t a plan and it wasn’t a dream.

Because it wasn’t a thought.

It was something he did.

Yet, much to his horror, you approached him anyway as your footsteps echoed in that quiet room filled with four people. You paid no mind to the realization that he had a brother or the fact that there were a lot of things that you didn’t understand. You didn’t even ask him or demand answers or look to the others in the room to make sense of whatever you were thinking. Your eyes never left him for a single moment.

Was there something wrong with him?

Or, was there something wrong with you?

You threw your arms around him so tightly at that moment. He stiffened and found himself unable to return the gesture but he buried his face into the fabric of your sweater and just let himself break down and cry for the first time in a very long time. You weren’t afraid of him, you weren’t disgusted with him, and you weren’t trying to run away from him. You were holding onto him with such intensity.

It was like you weren’t afraid of him.

You never had been afraid of him, had you?

He was so tired of trying to escape his feelings but there was no way to escape them anymore. He had come to the edge of the cliff and there was nothing but a drop below him. He was scared and tired of this. He just wanted to stop. He just wanted to see the sky and never think again. He had dreamed of sitting there with you underneath the sky.

Your playful jest that he could try every single flavor of ice cream he wanted with you by putting it all into one bowl and having that sweet moment with you and only you. That was the dream that he wanted. But, he couldn’t even face these demons. How could he ever face something good if he couldn’t confront the darkness and blood on his hands?

Did he even have the right to hold you with these hands when these were the very same hands that killed someone in cold blood?

“We’re not there anymore, Saeran,” your voice spoke to him in the darkness of his anxiety and it’d had the same tremble as his but somehow, it was much calmer than his voice. ”We’re not in Mint Eye anymore. Whatever happened, whatever you did, whatever I did, whatever they did, it’s over now. It’s over… it’s over, but we’re together again, okay? I promise I won’t leave you again. I promise.”

If there was a God, they had mercy on Saeran just this once.

—

You had felt like you were in a daze for days… weeks… months…? You weren’t sure anymore of what day it was. It felt like it could be years from the last time you opened your eyes and said a word to someone. Your throat felt dry and even the smallest bit of light made you want to retch and pray for mercy to come your way from someone’s hand. If someone would knock you out once again, it might’ve been okay.

It might’ve made you believe in something, maybe God, maybe someone who cared enough to pity you just long enough to stop the pain… but no relief came.

You wound up in the basement where you never wanted to be in the first place. You hadn’t been there in a long time, months, or what felt like years behind you. You hadn’t been there since your introduction to the group and you never wanted to wind up there again.

It wasn’t that you hated the way that people were welcomed to paradise. They say that it takes you reaching your lowest point to be able to find true release from agony. That wasn’t a lie because the pain cleared your mind enough to make you see something that you’d never seen before. It gave it a name and gave you a reason to think more about how you meant nothing to the world and how it would be easier to let go and accept this price to find joy.

It made more sense when it was the Savior talking you through what you needed to hear, when it was someone else with cold hands and an unfeeling heart, you were left gagging and unable to see what you wanted to see. You thought that elixir would help, you thought that it would bring you some peace from your confusion and headaches but it didn’t.

Something about the elixir burned more than anything you’d ever tasted. Somehow, the pain was worse and you felt like you were going to lose every fiber of your being. You were tolerant of the dose that you took but what they fed you over and over tasted like… well, it tasted like what they gave to Unknown. The acidic smell and burning ache that lingered afterward… tasted like the kisses Unknown shared with you.

Except, the fire was worse and you wanted to stop it.

It felt like what you thought you knew had been thrown out the window. It was like paradise had turned sour. No amount of Unknown kissing you and making you drink your elixir was ever going to wash away the pain that you felt as you laid in that basement, cold, damp, and disheveled.

You felt like a wet dog that had been left in a monsoon. It was like you were forgotten until they wanted to torture the dog again.

When you had gone from feeling as if you were something important from being someone who was relatively invisible, you hadn’t known what to think about what you were going to see and experience. In many ways, it felt like you might have been able to focus on what you wanted to do with your life instead of focusing on living the way that you always had.

There was no judgment in Magenta, but there had been isolation. Working with Unknown hadn’t taken away the isolation by all intents and purposes, but it had changed something in such a way that you could never go back to living the way that you had before this all started. There was no way for you to go back to living in isolation the way that you had been.

There was just no way to be the person that you used to be.

You didn't think you wanted to go back to being that person. You weren't sure that you knew how to be that person anymore. But the more that you ruminate over everything, the more that you felt like you were losing every ounce of control of yourself. You were left abandoned in that basement and it made you feel miserable.

The one person that you thought you could trust turned their back on you, and the other person that you had faith in was nowhere to be found. Unknown had not come back. There was no sign of him. It was almost like he didn't even exist, but you knew that he existed. You knew that he was real. You knew that he had been there. So the longer that you spent in that basement, the more that you felt like everything was fake.

The more time that you spent feeling like you were isolated, the more that it appeared as though you were losing control of everything that made you what you were. In your state of delirium, you weren't sure whether to believe that it was the elixir that was doing this to you or if it was just the way that it had always been for you. They left you abandoned in this basement because they wanted to break you.

You didn't even know why they wanted to break you.

You didn't know what you had done wrong.

You weren't sure that you ever had done anything wrong. How could you? You were always giving your life to this cause. Were you being punished by association? She said that Unknown’s failures in his mission were also yours, but what did that mean to her? What had happened and why were you here? All of these questions haunted you and there was no way to receive an answer to any of them because you had been abandoned.

You didn’t know that, for sure, but you knew that something went wrong and because of it, you were sitting here where only pain lay ahead of you. It was horrible. It was the worst thing that you had ever felt. It hurt and it stung… it wasn’t the paradise that you had been handed. It was much more like a personal hell than anything else. It didn’t make sense.

Nothing made sense anymore!

Your head was spinning and you couldn’t at all remember what happened since you came down here, but you could remember pieces of what it felt like to be in the basement. The darkness, the feeling of hands holding you down, burning, burning, burning, screaming, begging, shouting, and then nothing. It was a cycle of wash and repeat until you didn’t know anything but the pain that was coming.

It was no way to live and it left you feeling like you were going to suffocate. You already had, time and time again, when they would return to the basement and ask you to plead your case and repent your sins against paradise. Their words didn’t make sense to you anymore and neither did the sound of your voice. You had no energy left to scream after being left to rot on the wet ground of the dungeons.

When you first came here and found yourself so readily welcomed to the gardens, you never once thought that you would be staying in the fabled basement that was only meant for those that had horrible thoughts who became corrupted by the liars and the monsters of the outside world. That wasn’t you. You never had faith in the outside world. You never believed in it because it had never believed in you.

So, why were you left in the dark?

Why hadn’t Unknown come to save you?

Was he suffering, too?

Did he leave you?

Had he abandoned everything for some reason?

All of these questions and not enough answers, it was the story of your life that knew no bounds and there was no way to find anymore. You had no answers to clutch onto and no amount of the way that you pulled your body against the dirt and stone was going to give it. You lamented this as much as you could because it was the only thing you could do. You had nothing. You were nothing and there was no other way to exist.

This was the way that you were going to die, wasn’t it? That was the only thought that you could think. Everything that you knew was being thrown into the dirt and you were going to rot in the ground. Nobody ever cared and nobody was going to care now. Everyone that you thought cared about you that's seemingly throwing you away like trash because you were no longer useful.

You already lived this song and dance once before. You weren't sure that you could live through it happening again. It was hard enough the first time and Mint Eye was the only thing that had been there to give you faith in anything to keep trying to live your life. At this point, you didn't even have that. If this was it for you, you weren't sure that you wanted to know what came next.

Every time you thought that the darkness was going to cover you and give you a reprieve from the feeling of pain that you had inside, it was swept away the second you woke up out of a stupor and realized that you were sitting there alone in the darkness. It felt like the universe had begun playing a mean trick on you. Time didn’t add up anymore and reality was shattered like a mirror that hit the ground.

You wished that Unknown was there… your outstretched hand did nothing as it leaned out to get a hold of the bars that were just beyond your reach. Even if he was here with you, you would have no way out. He would’ve just been suffering by your side. Even if he was there… he would wind up the same that he had whenever he took too much of the elixir on a bad day. Nobody deserved to feel like this. You weren’t even sure the traitors deserved to be tortured like this.

Wasn’t paradise supposed to be forgiving and allow for you to have a chance to be saved the right way instead of this? Of all the things you had been told to imagine over the months that you’d been here, you never thought that people were being subjected to this over and over again. You had once believed that they would take a smaller dose of elixir and have serious conversations about what they needed to be saved and stop the sin.

What was paradise, then?

All of these thoughts made you feel sick.

You wanted things to make sense. But, you were being punished for something that you didn’t even do and that broke a lot of your faith. You wished, no, you prayed for the Savior to say that she had made a mistake and that she wanted to make amends for it. But, the longer that you were in the basement, the more that you came to the revelation that you meant nothing to that woman. You meant nothing.

You were nothing.

Over and over again, you listened to the thoughts that were brewing in your mind. It just kept coming and coming by the minute. For what felt like the hundredth time, you found yourself on the cusp of being awake and asleep, only to realize that you were moving. Your bleary eyes were very unfocused and the feeling of daylight against your skin made you wince. You didn’t understand what was happening—

You had just been laying on the ground in a puddle of your exhaustion in the dark, and now it felt like someone was helping you stumble through the halls. Your breathing was heavy and the old feeling of tingles returned to your spine. Standing upright made you feel like you were going to be sick but you hadn’t eaten in days and the only pity you’d been spared was some water when you’d drink all the elixir they demanded.

You were parched, starving, and likely looked like you had been left for dead. You tried to see who had come to whisk you away but you couldn’t lift your head. You just had to follow along with the steps they took and pray that your head stopped spinning around and around and around.

This took a while as you weren’t sure where you were going, but eventually, you found yourself bathed in the darkness again, with your body slumped against a couch with a familiar scent. If you had anything left to cry, you would’ve cried at that moment. There was that faint scent of pine and berry… it was the same one that reminded you of safety in a den of lions. Your eyes snapped open as you realized where you were at last.

Your ragged gasp did nothing to stop you from looking to see who had brought you back to the workroom of all places. Your heart jumped and then sank as you realized it wasn’t Unknown who had come to save you in the first place. You were staring at mint eyes that you had seen a few times before. They belonged to A306, one of the former gardeners that you had known in passing.

You never spoke much to him, but frankly, it didn’t seem like he was the type to talk to others all that much either. Apart from discussing some of the landscape choices here and there, you hadn’t any reason to talk to him in the first place. The first time that you had any meaningful talk with the man was when he approached you after you started working with Unknown and he spoke in such incredible circles about power and humility.

Why had he come?

Wait.

Unknown had said that the Savior was going to be getting rid of the gardeners because there had been a traitor and she had to get rid of all of them. That included A306 and the fact that he was in this room with you with no clear authorization to be standing there with you, he had to be the very traitor that caused the rest of the staff to be forced cleansing and removal from paradise. It was one of those things that Unknown wouldn’t elaborate on.

He simply said that his choosing you had saved you from damnation in the basement. Had it even been about the Iris? Was there something more that you were missing here? Who was A306? Why was he standing in the middle of this room with you? Better yet, why had he taken you away from the basement? Confusion lined your features but as you tried to speak, your voice cracked and felt useful.

“I’m sorry for making you traverse the building right now, but you need to be in the safest part of Magenta today,” his voice sounded tired as he urged you to lay down once again. You didn’t want to do that but your body made that choice for you. “I apologize that I cannot do much else for you right now, [Y/N]. It’s too late for me now, but I can ensure that you’re safe until they arrive to do something.”

Who…?

What…?

How did he know your name?

“Who…” your voice croaked a question that you couldn’t finish. You grimaced and rubbed at your sore throat. Did you look as horrible as you felt? “Are you…?”

There seemed to be guilt in his eyes but from the reflection of the blue light on the monitors that colored his features for you, you weren’t so sure if that’s what you were seeing. You looked a little closer and realized at that moment there was a reason why he had struggled to get the door open and enter in the passcode, his eyes were damaged underneath the shallow frames that he had on his face.

There was a long story that you didn’t know but you wanted to know who he was if nothing else because you were tired of not knowing anything. You were tired of being kept out of the loop from everything for whatever reason. It didn’t matter if you were better off knowing, you wanted so badly to understand what the burden was and what you could do to make it better… better? Wait, better?

What were you thinking?

What was he thinking?

“...I don’t believe he’s spoken about me to you, then,” that comment felt like it was more meant for himself than it was for someone else. He shook his head and rested his gaze on you, “I don’t know how much you know about what’s going on here and I don’t wish to pressure you to tell me what you may or may not already know. There’s not much time, either. You need to be here for now, out of sight.”

You tried to make sense of that as best you could, “What would have happened… if I stayed in the basement…?”

The silence that lingered in the air did not make you feel better about yourself. You had a feeling that you knew the answer but having confirmation might not have helped you. You never saw a single person after they were cleansed like that, it was like they vanished and anyone who did come back from a lesson in reeducation as opposed to a cleansing was never the same person.

So, why was it that you were still standing? Why was there any clarity left in your mind as a whole and why were you breathing? The more you tried to think about everything, the more confused that you were left feeling. The darkness had at least kept you from being overstimulated but this was another level.

And, what was it that this stranger was trying to keep you away from whatever happened when she decided to do what needed to be done to get rid of someone who breaks the rules and turns on the paradise? You shut your eyes and pressed your palms against your face. It hurt… it hurt so much to breathe and to think, you just wanted to cry and make it all go away. You wanted Unknown back, you wanted paradise back, and you wanted to feel safe again.

Maybe it would be easier if you were gone as the Savior had said.

Cold chills ran down your spine as her words from one of the sessions came to your mind and you felt sick again. What good were you? Did Unknown leave because you were a burden that he didn’t have the power to stomach? Did he leave because he hated you? Did he leave because you didn’t try hard enough to help him achieve his goals?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

“My name is Jihyun Kim,” he said, lowly. Though his words still felt like they were quiet and so very far away. “I know that may not mean anything to you. However, Unknown did not abandon you here of his own doing. He was taken from this place by someone who wishes to hurt him and he didn’t intend to leave you. I did not believe she would use you as a prop against him, but I can’t afford for you to get hurt because of my mistakes.”

“Your… mistakes…?”

“I’m afraid there’s no time to explain everything. The most that I can do for you is make sure that he can find you when he returns to Mint Eye. If things go according to what I think… the RFA will be able to rescue you and Unknown both from this place and get you to safety before she can do anything worse,” the mint-haired man looked over his shoulder as if he were expecting someone to pop up and grab him.

The RFA?

“He… hates the RFA,” you felt the momentum of that word wash over you as you looked at the man. Did he know the RFA? No, wait, he knew how to talk to them. He was working with the RFA somehow. You should be frightened of that fact despite knowing that most of the RFA were just being manipulated by the men that Unknown hated that you didn’t—

No.

No, it couldn’t be him.

You jolted to a sitting position as fast as you could muster and tried to hold yourself up as your fingers clutched at the couch. Every part of you was on high alert now, and the second that you put that thought into your head, you couldn’t turn or run away from it. There was no escaping who you thought this man to be. Even if he dragged you from the basement, what if he was trying to use you to hurt Unknown?

You refused to be a pawn against him when he already had enough to deal with.

Even if he left you in the dark forever, you committed yourself to your job and you refused to let anyone try and take that from you. You always did what you were told and Unknown told you that he wanted you to be his forevermore. You felt the weight in your chest that came along with that feeling and all you wanted was him back to tell you what to do.

“You’re him,” you felt the words escaping you before you could even muster the strength to stop yourself from thinking that way. The fear was just eating away at you and the more that you sat there, the more you wanted to leave this place. “Oh my God, you’re the man who— you’re the leader of the— you’re the— get away from me, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away, get away—”

That look in his eyes was not of malice or anger. That confused you even more, what was it that you didn’t understand? You weren’t sure that the Savior could be trusted, but you sure weren’t to trust the man that Unknown told you over and over again had hurt him. He never elaborated, but those memories burned deep enough for you to understand just how far they went. If he couldn’t talk about it, it had to be horrible.

You couldn’t trust anyone but him.

Yet, Jihyun Kim had dragged you from the basement on his own.

Why?

“I… I understand that reaction. It was my failure that led to this situation, so please, blame me for your burdens and pain, as I am willing to take it. It’s my cross to carry. However, I will not hurt you. I promise. As you can see, my eyes are barely able to see a few feet in front of me, I couldn’t harm you if I wanted, and I do not wish to cause any more harm or fail another person. I know why you would feel frightened, but I promise… I promise you I did not bring you here to put you into danger.”

“She’s planning on using you as a prop to control Unknown. That is to say, when he arrives back at this place today, she fully intends on keeping you in the basement and only allowing you to see him when he does something that she approves of. Once she does this, there will be no hope for your safety or wellbeing. You could likely lose your life. I cannot allow her to destroy you or anyone else. If anyone must be destroyed, it should surely be me.”

“I failed Unknown once before when he was a boy and I’m still failing him now. I don’t expect you to believe any of that, [Y/N], but I know that deep down, you’re a good person. You’ve made some changes that I could never do. You’ve made Unknown question this place and he may be willing to try to leave now after he sees what she’s done to you.”

Oh, is that all?

You were just a prop… he wanted to say that the Savior wanted to use you but it sounded like he was trying to use you for his reasons, too. You didn’t like that. You didn’t appreciate that. You’d just wanted to tell him to leave. That didn’t explain what he had done or anything else. It told you half of a story that you had been left in the dark about.

Your bitter laugh was painful. “And, why should I believe anything that you have to say to me? He told me that you tried to destroy him.”

“I’m not asking you to believe me. I want… I pray that you believe in helping him do something to save his life. Surely you’ve seen what hell he’s been put through in this place since you started being by his side. You’ve seen how much elixir he drinks almost daily… and how much he works until he can’t stop himself from collapsing. You know this isn’t right for him.”

On the one hand, that made some sense. You tried to help him eat better and sleep more but he still worked himself until he was sick. You did the same thing, so you couldn’t say that you lived or knew better than he did… but it stung to see him living that way. Seeing his nightmares and what the elixir did… you didn’t want him to hurt.

On the other hand, you felt sickened to think that this man knew what he was suffering after whatever he did to him. If he wanted to protect Unknown or save him, why was he letting this go on? All of his words were… these were just… you were so tired of thinking and trying to figure out what the point of all of this was.

Why did the Savior hate Jihyun? Why did Unknown fear him? Why was he doing any of this?

“I want what he wants,” you said, flatly.

“But do you know what he truly wants? Do you think he’s ever thought for himself? Have you thought for yourself since you came here?”

“...”

“I understand that you’re not going to believe a word I’m saying. But, please, for your safety, do not leave this room until Unknown returns. I am sure you understand that I took you from the basement without speaking to the Savior, and if she finds out, it won’t end well. If that is all I can do for you, it’s all I can do. I just ask you to stay safe.”

Jihyun began to walk in the direction of the door to leave you be, but you couldn’t help but feel like you had more than you wanted to say. It seemed like he might’ve had something that he wanted to say as well, but time was against you. You didn’t know him and you likely never would know who he truly was… but those eyes that you saw—

You didn’t see malice in them.

You knew what hatred looked like and he didn’t look at you with it. You didn’t trust him, you would never trust him unless Unknown said it was okay, but he did save you. He saved you from the basement and you owed him something… you had nothing to give him but your words that meant little in the scheme of things.

You weren’t the Savior and you weren’t Unknown.

You were Iris, a lowly gardener that became an assistant, and you meant nothing in the food chain to any of them that stood above you.

His fingers brushed against the knob, “If I did things differently… if I asked for help in the first place, if I hadn’t been such a coward who wanted to spare everyone from pain, perhaps this misery you suffer now wouldn’t have come to be in the first place. I can’t change my past, nobody can, but it’s if I can do one thing right if I can do something to make sure that he’s safe again… I can return you to him so he can decide for himself what it is that he truly wants.”

Even though you had no idea what got him into this, nor did you think you would ever find out, you felt like those words were spoken from years of guilt. He sounded remorseful… and even if that was a fake statement, his voice sounded believable. You didn’t believe in anyone but Unknown in this place anymore. You didn’t have the heart to trust anyone after all this.

Say you humored him.

You looked at him, “You know, I don’t know what the fuck you did to him or the Savior, but if you feel like you could stop this, you could. Stop being a coward and reach out and ask for help if you’re the good guy. Go talk to that Jumin Han, he’d probably listen to you, he’s the only one of those people that seem to have their head on straight. It sounds like you want to fix what you did but you’re only making it worse by doing it alone.”

“I don’t know who you are, I don’t know why you’ve done this, I don’t know what you’ve done in the past, and I don’t know what you want to do after this; But, if you wanted to stop being a huge coward and make everything right? You could start by telling someone the truth and getting help for it.”

His silence was your only answer but you expected it. You didn’t have the energy to tear into him as you thought you would want to. You had imagined what it would feel like to meet the ones that had hurt Unknown by his side as he got his revenge, but you never imagined somebody so broken and pitiful standing in front of you instead of the monster that you had heard about.

It proved that you once again knew nothing about this place.

Jihyun left you in the darkness as he stepped out into the sunlight, but at that moment, it felt like your roles were reversed. You felt like he was standing in the darkness and you were bathed in the light of the sun.

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