#like it feels impossible to keep friendships up when i’m the only one expected to iniate the convos

[professionaljester]

trying to cope with my crazy amounts of social isolation

[kazumist]

THROUGH THICK AND THIN .ᐟ

✩ — in which soshiro had forgotten the lengths of your love for him.

✩ — request: hi, can i pls request an argument with hoshina and how u resolve everything 🥹🥹🥹

✩ — includes: hoshina soshiro x gn!reader. hurt/comfort, angst if u squint. cw: arguments, implications of soshiro being injured but thats just it, soshiro is kinda mean Uhm, ooc!hoshina this is another experimental fic help me. wc: 1440. reblogs and feedback are much appreciated !!

if there was one thing sharper than the blades hoshina soshiro wielded, it would be the words that escaped his lips.

hoshina knows how to sugarcoat his words. he considers himself a good talker—negiotiator, if you would. however, when it comes to more sensitive topics, that’s when it all starts to crumble down. 

he never expected for him to catch feelings, especially with the line of work he takes. it’s too risky. dangerous. worrying. but he fell as deep as the ocean could get for you. you accepted it. him and his line of work. him as a whole.

yet soshiro seems to forget that sometimes.

getting out of a mission unscathed was impossible. he would always have at least one injury planted on him. it was a repetitive game of russian roulette where either his injuries would be severe or light. and unfortunately for him, today was sadly the former. 

a knock was heard at the door of the hospital room he’s staying in. a mission had recently just finished—about three days had passed, and soshiro was unconscious for the first two due to how he overexerted himself. “come in,” he says. and to his surprise, he saw you opening the door.

soshiro hasn’t told you about him being hospitalized yet—so how?

“captain ashiro told me.” oh. so that’s how. well, he was aware that you had also built a friendship with his commander. and that was completely fine with him. it was awkward when you walked over to the bed, pulling out the chair for you to sit on. you refused to make eye contact with him while soshiro just stared at you.

neither of you has an idea of what to say.

“i wish you told me as soon as you woke up. i was worried sick when i heard the news about the kaiju attack and all.” you said, keeping your gaze focused on your fingers as they played with each other. he flinches slightly as guilt starts to bubble up inside of him. it was already five in the afternoon and he’s been awake since ten in the morning. he wishes that he told you as soon as he woke up as well.

however, there’s one thing that has started to creep onto soshiro lately—fear. insecurity, perhaps. he gets haunted by the thought that you would definitely be happier in someone else’s arms and that you would be more happy being bathed in someone else’s affection. being with a man like hoshina soshiro was dangerous, as if it were a gamble to play.

because you never know if you’ll still wake up to him being alive the next day. and believe it or not: hoshina was scared—terrified of that possibility. he doesn’t want you to be sad, he crumbles at the thought of you crying in the first place. so he made it a task for him to push you away. to be distant.

to be someone you would hate.

that’s the only way he could keep you safe.

“sorry. i didn’t want to disturb you.” bullshit.

“why…” you trailed off. soshiro noticed that you werent playing with your fingers anymore and that you were now clenching your fists. “why would you think that? soshiro, your health matters to me.” his heart also clenched when he heard the slight crack in your voice. “why would it matter to you? i could die any day.”

“are you being serious right now?” he hates it. he hates the way that the first time he saw your eyes today, they were filled with such negative emotions. anger. hurt. confusion. “do i look like i’m kidding?”

“soshiro, why are you acting like this? did i do something wrong? i know we haven’t seen each other a lot because we’ve been both busy.” no, you didn’t. this is my fault, but this is also for the best. is what he wanted to say—but he just swallows up his words. “it’s nothing.”

“no, it’s not just ‘nothing.’ tell me what’s wrong, please? so we can fix it. it pains me when we’re like this.” it pains him too—it pains him so fucking bad. but hoshina soshiro is stubborn. so he will find himself accomplishing his task, whether it pains him or not.

because all he wants is the best for you, even if he wouldn’t be able to provide that.

— — — — — — — — 

he doesn’t know how things got so heated between the two of you. and he’s sure that you both might disturb the other patients who are confined in the room next to his.

“why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong? i feel like an idiot, soshiro! what am i?! some fucking mind reader on what goes on inside your head?!”

“like i told you, it’s nothing for you to worry about! what can’t you understand with that?!”

“what can’t you understand with me saying it’s not just nothing?!”

“and what can’t you understand with me implying that you shouldn’t care anymore?! dp i have to spell it out for you?”

you weren’t sitting down anymore, and hoshina doesn’t dare to speak anymore. fighting with you was the worst. and this time, he fucked up real bad. “i… it’s getting late. i should get going.” you say, and soshiro could feel a part of him shattering when he heard you hold back a sob.

the next time soshiro saw you, he was on his day off (a day off he didn’t really want to take but captain ashiro forced him otherwise since the doctors told him he shouldn’t be making his body engage in strenuous activities just yet). and the first thing he did? he visited you. he knew you get off work early on fridays, making you free for the rest of the weekend earlier.

he knocks on your door, although hesitantly. he’s nervous as he waits for you to open the door.

and he’s grateful that you still opened the door for him in spite of your last conversation with each other. you didn’t say anything as you opened the door further, inviting him in. the awkwardness gave hoshina a rush of deja vu about the awkwardness in the hospital room.

“i’m sorry.” although these two words don’t just cut it so easily, he thinks.

“do you really mean it? what you said in the hospital?”

his breath hitched as he found the right words to say. if hoshina was going to be honest, he hasn’t thought much about what to do at this point. surely, he had achieved his goal that night, right? “yeah.”

“liar.”

he turns to you immediately, and you were already looking at him to begin with. “you’re lying, and i could tell that because you’re nibbling on your lip. you always do that when you lie. just tell me the truth, soshiro, please.”

why should he? would you accept his reason? would you accept the insecurities that haunt his every waking thought? would you accept him even though he said such mean things to you the last time you saw each other?

would you still love him despite it all?

you would. you always would. 

and so he explains from the very start—when and where these thoughts started in the first place. and you listen to him intently, absorbing every single detail he says. once he was done, you took a deep breath. 

“god, you’re so stupid. did you know that?” soshiro lets out a weak chuckle at that, avoiding your gaze. you cup his face with your hands, making him face you. “look at me,” he refuses. “soshiro, look at me.” he then complies, slowly trailing his eyes across your features before resting them on your gaze.

“you don’t get to decide what’s best for me when it comes to this type of thing, okay? i love who i want to love. you don’t get to decide that i’d be happier with someone else. because i love you. i love you more than you could ever imagine, more than you could ever feel. remember that. engrave that inside your mind so you can never forget. you are the one i am helplessly in love with, soshiro.”

i love you. i love you. i love you. it repeats inside his mind. you are the one i am helplessly in love with. it echoes. soshiro feels stupid for attempting to become someone you hated in the first place. there was no way he could ever bear the possibility of you actually hating him.

how could he forget? you had already accepted him as a whole. through thick and thin, you will stand by his side.

[gay-dorito-dust]

Heyyy

So I really liked the Damian Wayne x reader platonic friend thingy your wrote. I really feel like there should be more of those.

Anyways, k cam where to respect something similar. Can u maybe write hc on what it'd be like to be friends w him? Like bantering n stuff and maybe u can focus a bit on how Bruce feels abt it? Oh and bonus points if the reader is awkward.

Toodles!

Being friends with Damian isn’t easy in the slightest, mainly because he doesn’t make it easy for anyone to befriend him in the first place. So the fact that you managed to accomplish that was a major achievement already.

However that didn’t mean anything afterwards was made any easier for you just because you managed to make the impossible become possible. No. Why? Damian is one hell of a dry conversationalist if Titus or animals in general weren’t involved.

He’s basically an extroverts worst nightmare given a human form. For no matter how hard you tried to bait him into giving more then a one word answer out of him, it always ends with Damian not taking the bait and allowing a air of awkward silence to befall you both while everyone else was having a better time then you.

You: hey Damian.

Him: hello l/n.

You: how have you been?

Him: in peak condition, why?

You: it’s because I don’t see you that much outside of school, it’s almost as if your allergic to social interaction.

Him: Tt. why should I go out of my way to do such a thing? I have you as an acquaintance don’t I?

You: I mean yeah I guess-

Him: then I have no need to expand my friend group, for they’ll only disappoint me. Now is that all?

You: I mean there’s not much else to talk about at this point.

Him: good.

*cue to the pair of you sitting in utter, awkward silence*

When Damian says one friend is all he needs, he genuinely means it. One is enough for him. He doesn’t need anymore because he knows that he doesn’t have the time for them. Plus he might not say it out loud but he does appreciate your friendship, even if your both awkward individuals within most social situations, but he is happy that someone finally gave him a chance to be a friend.

So even if you were to ever ask why you were friends it’ll probably go something a bit like this;

You: why are you friends with me?

Him: you aren’t an idiot, plus you’re the only one who isn’t insufferable.

You: is that meant to be taken as a compliment or…

Him: take it as you see fit.

You: okay…

Damian as a friend would be protective i’d like to think? I mean you are literally the first friend he’s made so naturally he’s going to feel something when he sees you being friends with anyone else that wasn’t him.

Was it insecurity that you not day might not want to be his friend anymore? Possibly.

Will he ever admit to it though? No. This is Damian we’re talking about, of course he won’t.

Also being friends with Damian would best summed up as being two people who shouldn’t work but ultimately do either way, kind of like an ‘against all their differences they’re the best of friends’ type of duo because nobody and I mean nobody saw a friendship between you two ever happening. Ever.

Not even the great Bruce Wayne.

Speaking about him. If you ever got to visit the Wayne Manor and meet his father aka THE Bruce Wayne. Take it as a sign as you’ve made it as Damian’s best friend.

Would you shit yourself upon meeting quite possibly the most powerful man in Gotham? Yes and your sweating buckets on top of that, all the while Damian would be stood next to you completely unfazed as he introduced you to his father as his best mate.

Damian: father.

Bruce: Damian.

Damian: *points to you* this is my best friend and I expect that they get treated with respect during their visit here.

You: hi- hello it’s an honour to meet you M-Mr Wayne sir.

Bruce: tell me how you’ve come to befriend my son?

You: we were in the same art class and I noticed that he had no one to sit next to, and so I offered for him to sit with me, keep in mind I’m not that well liked and practically had a whole table to myself, and I’d like to think our friendship started with that small act of kindness Mr Wayne sir.

Bruce: and had Damian been kind to you?

You: in his own unique way sir but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Bruce: *smiled* you’re a good kid l/n and you can go ahead and drop the formalities and call me Bruce instead. I shall go and tell Alfred to add another plate at the dinner table tonight.

Bruce, upon hearing that Damian had made a friend, wanted to meet you within immediate effect and see whether or not his son made for a good judge of character and he wasn’t disappointed.

Given the fact that you were awkward aside, you were defiantly what Damian needed for a friend, and Bruce was happy to see his son finally get to be normal for once as he watched from the window as Damian practically dragged you out to the spacious backyard with an excitable Titus on your heels as the Great Dane tried to get up and personal with you.

Alfred: they are certainly a pair, aren’t they master Bruce.

Bruce: an odd pair they may seem but they even out the other perfectly. Besides when was the last time Damian looked genuinely happy?

Alfred; can’t say that I recall sir.

Bruce: neither can I. At first I was sceptical but I’m glad being wrong. I can only hope that a friendship like theirs will stand the test of time because there will be times that will test their limits with one another. But if they’re as good a pair as I think they are then they’ll be perfectly fine.

Alfred: couldn’t have put it better myself sir *smiles alongside Bruce as they watched you and Damian act on your own within the others presence while in comfortable silence as Titus fell asleep at both of your feet.*

Yeah you’ll both be alright. You’ve got each other after all and that’s what matters at the end of the day.

[tkwrites]

It Doesn't Matter - Part III - Nico Hischier x ofc

Gif from offside-the-lines

Title: It Doesn’t Matter - Part III

Author: Tory / @tkwrites 

Relationship: Nico Hischier x Original female character 

Summary: Though they’ve finally confessed their feelings for one another, a 7 day road trip stands between Nico and Lena finally beginning their relationship. When Lena sends a photo of herself Nico never expected to receive, it springboards them into new territory. Upon arriving home, he and Lena are finally able to be together in ways they’ve only dreamed of. 

Warnings: Lots of fluff, followed by lots of smut (18+ only): oral (f and m receiving), unprotected p in v (wrap it up unless you’re in a consenting relationship!), talks of feeling singled out and a really dick ex-boyfriend.

Word count: 13,400

Comments: Phew! We made it. Just barely.

I gave myself a deadline for this series, liking the idea that I’d publish each installment on the last day of the the month, and I’m really proud that I was able to stick to that goal. 

This piece is LONG, so strap in. It was so much fun to write and string together, though. Writing Nico and Lena finally getting together has been such a joy for me. I really hope you enjoy it, too! If there's anything you'd like to see in their universe, please let me know!

If you do enjoy it, please consider letting me know by commenting, reblogging, or sending in an ask. Your encouragement and comments truly inspire me to keep writing. 

It Doesn’t Matter - Part III

Part I | Part II | Part III | Playlist

Two days into the road trip, Nico was feeling restless and unsure. He wanted to call Lena and tell her he missed her. He wanted to talk to her about everything and nothing. Hear about her day in class and tell her about practice. Now that they’d crossed that initial physical barrier, he wanted to have phone sex and listen to her getting herself off. He wanted… he wanted so many things, but he wasn’t really sure where they stood. Could he just call her up and initiate a conversation that spanned both their friendship and their newfound sexual connection? Even when they were just friends and roommates, he hardly ever called her to just say hi. That felt too much like something he would do if they were dating, and he couldn't take the disappointment that came with not having that part be true. 

Except maybe now it was true?

Staring at her contact photo, he wondered how people did this. 

For Lena’s part, she was pacing the apartment, wondering if she should go through with it. Earlier in the day, in a fit of missing Nico so much it ached, she put on the lingerie set she bought the first week she’d moved in, set up her phone and took some photos to send to him. There was one in particular she liked, and she even had it queued up in a message. Now that she had someone to wear it for, and it, amazingly, turned out to be the guy she’d always hoped it would be, she couldn’t get the idea of wearing it for him out of her mind. And why wait until he was home when she could send a picture now?

He was off this afternoon, which meant he was likely napping. She could send it during the game, but there was more of a chance someone else might see it if she did that. And this was for his eyes only. 

She thought about prefacing it with a Don’t open this until you’re alone, message, but wouldn’t that ruin the surprise?

Finally deciding it’d be better to send it now, while he was more likely to be alone than after the game, she hit the blue arrow. The whooshing sound let her know it was delivered, and her heart immediately jumped into her throat. 

It was too late to take back now, and trying to explain her reasoning over text seemed impossible. She’d just have to wait for him to respond. 

Walking to her easel, she decided she needed to distract herself until he did. If she didn’t, she knew she would obsess powerfully and end up sending him something written from pure anxiety, and those messages never turned out well. For all she knew, he could be asleep and wouldn’t see it for another few hours. 

The thing was that Lena had never done this before. She'd never sent a picture of herself that hadn't been requested first, and she’d never wanted to. 

Past boyfriends wanted to ‘see her when they were apart,’ but that really translated to ‘I want something to show off to my friends.’ She'd been shocked to find Milo showing one of his buddies a picture she’d sent him while they were at a party. Together. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. The picture showed Lena in nothing but her underwear, one arm wrapped around her chest for some semblance of modesty when she didn’t really want to send the picture in the first place. The fact that he had it pulled up and was showing it off so casually made her feel objectified and cheap. 

That night, she did the sneakiest thing she'd ever done in a relationship and used his sleeping face to unlock his phone so she could delete all the pictures she'd sent him before breaking up with him the next morning. She even told him what she did. He complained that she was an uptight bitch who didn’t understand he was showing her off, and shouldn’t she be flattered. 

Nico would never do something like that. She knew him too well. He would know and had told her that photos like that were for the recipient only and shouldn’t be shared with anyone else. He told her once that one of the guys on the Mooseheads tried to show him a picture of his girlfriend, and the rest of the boys teased him for turning away. 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he complained to Lena later that day, “I don’t want to see that.” It was one of the first times she knew he was different, and her rule about not dating hockey players was going to be broken.

It was because of that. Because she knew he wouldn’t show anyone else, and because she had the suspicion he would never ask for something like this that she’d sent it. 

The whole time she’d known him, Nico had been the nicest cute boy on the team. Always easy going and quick with a smile, even when he didn't understand what anyone was saying. He never treated her like a piece of meat like some of the guys did, always seeing and celebrating her humanity before anything else. He was genuinely interested in her art, and not just as a means of getting into her pants. 

When she met him, and they began hanging out with mutual friends, she remembered thinking, I'm going to tell people I met the love of my life in my senior year. 

Setting her phone face down on the end table, she picked up her palette and brush and turned her focus to the mountain sunset she’d been working on all week. 

When Nico's phone buzzed with a text from Lena, he opened it right away, anxious to hear from her. He didn't think anything of the preview that told him it was a photo. She often sent memes or funny photos of Cookie around the apartment or progress on her latest painting. 

Had he thought this might be anything close to possibility, he would have opened it in the bathroom. 

An embarrassing noise, overflowing with longing, crawled up his throat. 

Jonas shot him a confused look, and Nico had to act like everything was normal. Like he wasn’t taken completely off guard. Like he didn’t have a hard on in their hotel room. Like Lena hadn’t just sent him a picture of herself in pink lingerie, winking cheekily at the camera.

He wanted to bury his head in a pillow and groan. He wanted to call her and tell her how beautiful she was. He wanted to detail each and every way he was going to make her come when he got home. 

“I’m —” Nico coughed, “I’m gonna go on a walk,” he told Jonas, bolting out of bed and into the hallway. Maybe this was worse. Now, he had a boner in public. He needed a place where he could talk to her alone. 

There was a conference room the coaches were using this morning, wasn’t there? He ran down the hall and found the room empty and blissfully unlocked. 

The whole wall facing the hallway was glass, but it’s not like he was going to do anything indecent. 

The call went to voicemail. 

Frowning, Nico pulled the phone away from his ear. Certainly, in the time it took him to run down the hall, she hadn’t gone away from her phone. And she didn’t send that thinking he wouldn’t respond, right? That would be crazy. No woman would send a picture of herself like that if she didn’t want a response. 

The device buzzed in his hand, and he felt a sigh let go in his chest. “Hey,” he greeted, bringing it back to his ear. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, sounding a little breathless, “I didn’t want to drop my palette all over your living room.” 

“Thanks,” he said, laughter in his tone. He was amazed she could just go back to painting after sending a message like that. He’d be a nervous wreck.

The awkwardness that passed over the phone line between them made Lena’s heart race with indecision. How was she supposed to broach this subject? Did you get the photo I sent? Do you want to talk about it? Are you calling me because it had the desired affect? 

Finally, she decided to go into neutral territory, “so, how are you?” 

How was he supposed to answer that question? 

“I got your message,” he said, wincing at the accusing tone in his voice. He didn’t even answer her question.

“Did you…” she felt suddenly self-conscious, “I mean, did you like it?” 

Did she think he was blind? “Yeah, I wouldn’t have minded some warning, though,” he admitted. The sound that had come out of his mouth when he opened it rang in his head, and he felt himself flush out of embarrassment. 

“Sorry,” she said, voice sheepish. “I was debating about telling you to open it alone, but I just kind of freaked out and sent it.”

Laughter rumbled from his chest, “you don’t need to apologize. I really liked it.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I don’t know a man alive who wouldn’t like getting a picture like that from the woman he loves.” 

The casual way he said he loved her made her heart pitter-patter. 

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Lena,” he said.

She liked that he used the word seen. Not the most beautiful woman he’d ever met, the most beautiful he’d ever seen. Heat raced into her cheeks, “really?”

“Yes.” It almost came out a groan. Just thinking about it got him worked up, but now that they were on the phone, he didn’t think it was the time to broach phone sex. Maybe that was her intention in sending it, but their conversation was too sweet and awkward to steer in that direction. He didn’t want to ruin it, or for her to think he only wanted her physically. He wanted every part of her.

His simple answer turned her insides to goo. 

She sniffed, and panic spiked in his chest. “Are you crying?” 

“A little.” 

“Why? What’s wrong?” 

“Nothings wrong,” her voice was wobbly, “I just…I can’t really believe this is my life, you know?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean that I spent six years pining after you, thinking you didn’t like me, and now you’re telling me I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. It almost doesn’t feel real.” 

“Yeah,” he swung his legs up onto the sofa under the windows and lay back. “The whole time we were kissing, I kept thinking I needed to pinch myself.” 

She giggled, knowing the feeling all too well. 

“I wish I told you sooner,” he said quietly.

“Tell me about it,” she groaned. 

He knew he would beat himself up about this, and his siblings would hold how they were right about Lena over his head for the rest of time. 

“I can’t believe you sent me a picture of yourself in lingerie,” he said, voice full of wonder and longing. “I don���t think I ever even let myself imagine that.” The reality of it was too much. It made their relationship more tangible somehow. 

“I missed you, and I just kept thinking about how I finally had someone to wear it for other than myself, and I don’t know, I just…I wanted you to see it.”

Her admission made his insides feel gooier than a raclette. “I miss you too,” he said, glad he hadn't steered the conversation to sex. That would come, he knew, but he was glad for this reassurance. 

They fell into a comfortable silence, and Nico pulled in a calming breath. 

“How was class on Friday?” 

“Good. Professor Brown really likes my sketches.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, she said I really turned a corner and understood what she was trying to get us to do.” 

“That’s great.” 

Posing for her would have never been in vain when it brought them together, but he was glad the art wasn’t going unnoticed by her teachers. 

“She wants to put them in the student showcase for this semester.” 

His mouth went dry. “What?” 

“She said they’re such a cohesive story and series, she’d like to put them in the showcase. It’s a huge honor. I told her I had to talk to you before I could say yes, though.”

Mind racing, Nico wondered what on earth he’d gotten himself into. 

“I…” he paused. “How —” his voice squeaked over the word, and he had to clear his throat, “how long would they be up?” 

“Basically through December. I think the show goes up that first weekend.” 

That was only a few weeks away. 

“And they take it down when we come back after the break, so mid-January, I think.”

“I just…” he gulped, “I — what if someone recognizes me?” It was highly unlikely people who attended art shows at the New York Institute of Art would know him on site, but the thought of a fan seeing the sketches and recognizing him posing nude still made his stomach turn. 

“Well, they won’t be up for sale, so no one will be taking them home but me,” she assured. 

That was a relief.

“I could try to take out your tattoo, make you a little less recognizable.” 

He didn’t respond. 

“You don’t have to decide now. You can take time to think about it.”

The hesitation in her voice made his mind up for him. He wouldn’t be the thing holding her back. He’d figure it out. 

“You should show them,” he found himself saying. 

He’d have to tell the teams PR about it in case someone posted them on social media. 

“Only if you’re sure.” 

“I’m sure. I’m…” Why hadn’t he led out with this? “I’m really proud of you.” 

Her insides turned to pudding again, “thank you, Nico.” 

He would figure it out. It would be fine. The most important thing was that she was getting the recognition she deserved. “We can go see it together?” he asked. 

“They have a gallery opening I’ll have to attend. I’ll have to make sure, but I think it’s on the 6th.” 

He pulled up the team calendar. They were, thankfully, in town and didn’t have a game that Friday. “I can come.” 

“I would love that.” 

“I want to be there to support you.” She supported him through so many things, he was glad he could return the favor. “I can invite some of the guys?” 

“Only if you want,” she said, feeling a little taken aback. “If you’re okay with them seeing the drawings.”

“It’s nothing they haven’t seen before,” he said with a laugh, “and I want them to know how talented my girlfriend is.” 

“Oh, am I your girlfriend now?” she asked, teasing.

If it were up to him, she’d be his wife before too long. “Yes. Finally.” 

She giggled, “I never thought I’d actually get to call you my boyfriend.” 

The excitement in her voice pulled a giddy feeling in his stomach. 

Someone knocked on the window above him, and Nico sat up, startled. Jack was on the other side of the glass, exaggeratedly asking him if he wanted to go into the city.

“Hey, I’m sorry, I have to go,” he said, nodding at Jack. 

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon?” she said it like a question. 

“Yeah. I’ll call you tomorrow?” 

“That sounds great.” 

He could hear the smile in her voice, and it filled his chest with a warm, buoyant feeling. Turning away from the window, he said, “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Nico. Good luck tonight. I’ll be watching.”

Lena hung up the phone, shaking her head. She'd gone into that call expecting phone sex, and instead, she got emotional reassurance. How was he even real?

He hung up the phone, grinning.

“What’s got you all cheery? Who was on the phone?”

“Lena,” he said, slipping the device into his pocket. 

“Dude, you’ve got to make a move.” 

Nico smiled to himself. He’d tell Jack and the guys eventually, but for now, he was just reveling in the fact that he had, and it turned out better than he ever imagined. 

The photo haunted him for the rest of the road trip. It wasn't even the picture itself, which did live in his mind rent free, and he'd jerked off to at least three times. No, the thing that really haunted him was the fact that she sent it in the first place, that she felt comfortable enough to send it, that she wanted him thinking about and desperate for her. And he was desperate, in a way he'd never experienced before. 

He wanted her to feel the same way, but knew from experience that she didn't like dick pics. 

In a fit of indignation after receiving one on a dating app, she'd handed him her phone to unmatch the guy as she told him, “I don’t know why men think everyone wants to see their dick. I can promise you, no one wants to see your dick. Unless a woman tells you, ‘send me a picture of your penis,’ she doesn't want to see it. Even if she sent you a picture to get off to, she doesn’t want to watch you do it unless she asks for it.” 

He'd asked her what a woman did want. 

“Send her a picture of your hands or your forearm while you’re doing something. Men's forearms are sexy.”

So he'd done just that. A video, actually, strategically cropped to show the flex of his forearm and wrist as he got himself off in their next hotel while her name fell from his lips over and over again. He didn't even need to look at his phone anymore. The photo was burned into his brain and etched onto his eyelids. 

She responded within minutes of him sending it. That's the sexiest thing a man has ever sent me, Nico. I can't believe you remembered. 

The video popped into her mind all the time. She couldn't stop thinking about his big hands and the veins winding up his forearm, standing out under his skin. She couldn’t stop hearing the hushed, breathy way he moaned her name.

It even happened in school if she let her mind wander, which resulted in her creaming her underwear and having to clench her legs together until the feeling eased off.

Touché, Mr. Hishier. Touché.

Four days later, Nico walked into the apartment, surprised to find lights still on. It was Friday night, but still, Lena usually went to bed early. No matter the day, her biological clock kept a rigid schedule. 

Perhaps she left the lights on when she went to sleep, not wanting him to come home to a dark house. As he walked through the living room, however, he found her on the couch, asleep with Cookie tucked against her like a little spoon. 

“Lena?” he asked, squatting in front of her.  

She didn’t even stir. 

“Lena,” he repeated, gently brushing a lock of hair off her forehead.

He loved this simple version of her - the peaceful, soft lines of her face and the gentle curve of her mouth. Her nose ring was slightly off center with her on her side, but it still fit on her face like it was a permanent feature that had always been there. When she showed up in Bern, having had it done just a few weeks previous, it had taken him a full half hour to realize what was different. It fit her and her personality so well, it didn’t stand out as a major change in his mind. 

He hadn’t thought it was possible he could think about kissing her more than he already did. 

“Nico?” she asked in the most adorable sleepy voice he’d ever heard. The visions he had of waking up next to her were suddenly much more real and much sweeter than he originally imagined. 

“What are you doing out here, hase?”

Her eyes finally fluttered open, and her stomach clenched when they met his. His hair had flopped into his eyes, but she could still clearly see the soft care in them. He was in a gray Devils hoodie that looked supremely soft.

Cookie stretched, yawned, and slinked out from under her arm as she reached forward to trace her fingers through his hair, pushing it back. “You’re so handsome, Nico.”

The dimple in his left cheek deepened with his bashful smile. He wasn’t used to her complimenting him so openly. “Danke, hase. What are you doing out here?” 

“Waiting up for you,” she said with a chagrined smile, “or trying to at least.” 

“Lets get you to bed,” he said, standing before he worked an arm under her legs, the other under her shoulders, and lifted her off the couch.

Lena snuggled into him with a contented little noise. She hadn't been carried like this since she was a little kid. 

He lay her on her bed, then pulled the covers out from under her body before settling them over her. 

“Will you stay?” she asked, quietly.

Something behind his sternum fractured a little. “Natürlich,” he murmured, brushing a kiss over her hair. “Let me go get ready, ja?”

She nodded. 

Nico thought for sure she would be asleep when he got back after washing his face and changing into some pajama pants, but though she was still in the same position he left her in, her eyes were open and she gave him an adorably sleepy smile. 

In some sort of dream came true, he walked around the bed to slip in behind her. 

Except Cookie was laying there, pressed against her back, blinking at him slowly as if to ask why Nico was there and what he thought he was about to do. 

“Uh,” he began, not sure what to do. 

“Just move him over here.”

So Nico took the cat around the middle and lifted him over Lena. He squirmed and made a grumbling noise but didn’t swipe. Before he could jump off the bed in a fit of indignation, Lena gathered him against her chest and kissed his head. 

Cookie grumbled again. It was apparently all for show, though, because he settled in her arms almost at once and began purring and nuzzling her chin. 

Now that that was settled, he lifted the covers and slid under them.

Lena felt a contented little sigh escape her as he fitted his body against hers. The oxymoron that was Nico Hischier hit her again. He was big and strong, but he was so gentle and warm as he wrapped his arm around her waist over the blanket. She felt cocooned and protected. 

Cookie turned around and nuzzled his head under Nico’s hand. Chuckling, Nico scratched behind his ears and heard the purring start up again. 

“I’m glad you're home,” Lena said in that slow way people do while they’re falling asleep. 

“Me too,” he responded, tucking his nose into her hair and settling in for the night. 

Though he’d lived the past week, it still felt a little like he didn’t know how he ended up here, or like he should be dreaming. Yes, he dreamed of making love to Lena, but more often than that, he dreamed of these things: of not going to bed alone, of taking care of her, and being taken care of. Not only was he not going to bed alone, she asked him to stay. He felt comfortable holding her, and she felt comfortable enough to lean against him, letting him support her. More than anything else, it felt incredible to be genuine about his feelings and to have them lead to this moment. 

It was the best thing he could have asked for. 

The fatigue that always came with coming home from a road trip caught up with him abruptly, and before he could think about anything else, he was falling asleep. 

Lena woke before Nico did. Which wasn’t unusual. She almost always woke before anyone else in the house. No matter when she’d gone to bed, or what she’d done the day before, she was almost always up before 6:30. It’s why she’d been so shocked to find it was already 9 the morning after their portraiture session. 

Her watch told her it was twenty-two minutes past six. 

Sensing movement, Cookie stretched and put his face in hers, brushing his whiskers over her cheeks. 

She wrinkled her nose at the tickling sensation. “Okay,” she whispered as he put his wet nose to her brow and licked with the tip of his tongue, “okay.” 

Nico’s arm was still heavy around her waist, but he only stirred a little when she lifted it so she could slide out of bed. 

She fed the cat, drank a glass of water, and went back to the bedroom. 

Nico was still asleep, now sprawled on his back, legs and arms spread wide to take up as much room as possible.

The blankets only covered part of his naked torso. Allowing herself a moment, she admired him, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the relaxed set of his fingers, his slightly open mouth. He was a beautiful man. the fact he was in her bed, that he'd held her all night, made her feel as giddy as a school girl.

Sneaking back into bed was always harder than leaving it. 

She’d just managed to tuck herself into his side, resting her head on his chest, when his arm curled around her back. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said quietly. 

His lips smacked softly. “S’okay,” he mumbled. 

“Do you have practice this morning?” 

She felt him shake his head, chin tracing over the top of her hair at the movement. 

“No practice and no game?” she asked, tracing a finger up the valley between his pecs through the course hair that had been getting thicker through the years. “What are you going to do with yourself?” 

Tightening his arm around her, he nudged Lena on top. She went willingly, draping herself over him. 

“Can think of a few things.” His voice was low and sleepy, and when she looked into his face, she found his eyes were still closed.  

Wonder at how comfortable they were filled her. Of course they were — they’d known each other for more than half a decade. But all these milestones, like waking up in the same bed, were new. She’d never experienced this in a relationship before. There were no nerves eating at her stomach, and no worries about how she looked in the morning plaguing her. He’d seen her in much worse morning states before and never said a thing. It was just Nico, comfortable as always. 

Lying her head on the front of his shoulder, she listened to the steady beat of his heart and the strong rhythm of his breathing. 

That music was lulling her back to sleep when his hand slid up her back, under her sleep shirt. She didn’t know if that part was intentional or not. She supposed it didn’t matter. She still savored the feel of his calloused fingers. 

“Your skin is so soft,” he mumbled as his fingers splayed wide over her spine. 

“So is yours,” she said, adjusting a bit so she could tuck her nose into the base of his neck. He smelled the same as usual, soap and sweat, and that something cedar-y, plus a musky smell she somehow knew only came with sleep.

He chuckled and said something in German. 

“Come again?” she asked, lifting her head. 

One half of his mouth lifted in a smile, dimpling his cheek, but he didn’t offer any other explanation. 

Shaking her head, Lena rested her ear against his shoulder again, sighing when his fingers traced lazily up and down her spine.

Nico couldn’t believe this was his life. Waking up next to Lena was so good. Having her comfortable weight on top of him on a lazy morning? It was such a dream. Even the very fact that he got to touch her like this now felt like a miracle. 

Before he could think it over, his sleepy brain was running his mouth, “I can’t…” 

“You can’t?” she repeated. Her other hand came up to trace the straight line of his collar bone. 

“I can’t believe I get to touch you like this,” he said. 

She smiled and turned her face just enough to press her lips to his skin. It sent an explosion of fizzy, giddy bubbles racing through his stomach. 

“I should have told you sooner.” 

“Me too.” 

Each of them had said some variation of these same sentences each time they’d talked on the phone over the past five days.

“But we’re here now,” she said, fingers trailing over the round musculature of his shoulder and back. She felt a little amazed that she could touch him, too. She’d wanted to for so long, and now, she could. There was nothing holding her back. It felt a little like she’d dropped into a dream.

He took in a deep breath, and she loved feeling his muscles move and shift beneath her. 

“What do you have today?” he asked. 

“Nothing.” 

“Nothing?” he repeated. 

“Nothing but you,” she said, pushing herself up so she could look into his face. 

The smile he gave her was lazy and tired, but it still sent butterflies into flight in her stomach. 

Because she could, because that’s where they were now, she leaned down and kissed him. 

His other hand came up to cradle the back of her head.  

She was kissing him. In the morning. After sleeping next to her all night. Feeling his brain come to life while her sweet mouth was on his? There was nothing better. Nico wouldn't mind waking up like this every morning.

They spent a long while in a sweet, lazy exploration of each other. 

Lena worked one of her hands into his hair as she tipped to the left to deepen the kiss. 

When Nico caught her tongue, sucking gently, a soft moan fell from her mouth into his.  She'd never had someone do that before, and now couldn't imagine kissing without it. 

“I love that sound,” he mumbled, lips whispering over hers. 

She hmm’d and silenced him again with her mouth.

Though they still remained soft, their kisses grew more urgent, as did Nico’s growing erection, which pressed insistently against her thigh. 

The deep desire purring in her belly shifted into a higher gear. 

“Can I use my mouth on you?”

She'd been thinking about it for so long, imagining the pleasured noises she could pull out of him. She’d thought about it so many times while he was gone, she couldn’t wait to bring it to fruition.  The memory of the way he groaned her name when she was touching him had been the fuel for many lonely night sessions with her vibrator.

“Was?” he breathed, certain he hadn't heard her correctly. 

“Can I use my mouth on you?” She repeated, trailing kisses along his jaw for good measure.

Fuck. 

FUCK. 

Was this his real life? He pinched his side and flinched from the pain. He wasn't dreaming, then. Not that he’d really thought that. When he dreamed of her going down on him, it usually started with her lips wrapping around him, not with her asking permission. 

His eyes fluttered open to meet hers. “Has anyone ever said no?”

Her cheeks flushed. “I don't know. This is the first time I've asked. Every other guy I’ve been with requested before I could offer.”

“Did you think I would say no?”

“Maybe? Sometimes, I'm just not in the mood for stuff, you know? I don't want to just start in on something you're not ready for. That's not fair to you.”

He'd never had someone ask before, and the sweet thoughtfulness of it broke him open a little more to her. 

“Only if you want to,” he whispered, leaning up to brush his lips over hers, “and only if I can return the favor.”

Her breath hitched, and her wide eyes darted to his. 

“I’ve been thinking about how you taste since last week,” he confessed, voice gone gravely with the memory of cleaning her release off his fingers.

“Nico,” she whispered as heat pooled between her legs.

“When you sent that picture, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I wanted to do to you.”

“Oh yeah?” 

He nodded, hands sliding up her sides. Her shirt bunched atop his wrists. 

She leaned down so her lips were a breath away from his ear, “and what do you want to do to me?”

Though she had him practically panting, his voice somehow still came out a low tambour. “I want to lick you over that lace before I take it off and make you come on my tongue.”

“Oh my god,” she whispered, core throbbing at the mere thought of it. “I…” 

If someone told her, even just five days ago, that Nico Hischier had such a dirty mouth, Lena wouldn’t have believed them. He was usually so polite. She’d never even imagined him saying something like that.  

She liked this filthy-mouthed side of him she’d never seen before. Why had she waited so damn long to tell him?

Rolling them onto their sides, he pressed his lips to her neck, unable to keep his mouth off of her anymore.

“Do you want me —” her voice dropped into a moan as he pushed her onto her back, licking and sucking along the column of her throat. 

“Yes,” he growled into her skin, “so damn much.” 

“Do you want me to put it on?” she finally managed to ask, gasping the words out before he could steal her breath again.

Lifting his head, his brown eyes met hers. He had that same wide open, loving look in them. “Put what on?” 

Why would she put anything on? He was far more interested in shedding her clothes.

“The lingerie.” 

Oh. 

Well. 

That was a bit different. 

Lena watched his eyes go dark with lust. 

“You’d do that?” he whispered, touched and incredibly turned on.

Nodding, she bit her lip before deciding she could just blurt it out, “I want you to do what you wanted to, and I want to see your reaction.” 

Now that he’d brought up the idea of licking her over her underwear which, what the hell, sounded so hot she could hardly stand it, she needed to feel it. She wanted THAT to be her first experience with his mouth. 

Nico was such an excellent kisser, she knew he would be good at oral. Plus, the idea of wrapping her fingers in his hair as he went down on her? That fantasy had been in regular rotation for years. 

He paused, seemingly caught between saying yes and just continuing as they were. 

Maybe he needed a little more incentive. “What if I put it on to suck you off?” she asked, voice seductive and low in his ear. 

With a soft groan, he buried his face in her neck. He had to admit, fulfilling the initial fantasy that had flooded his mind when she sent that picture was incredibly tempting, and if it included her wearing it to go down on him? That was a fantasy in and of itself. He couldn't find his voice, but he nodded all the same. 

“Meet you in your room in five minutes?” she suggested. 

Five minutes felt like an eternity when she was under him now, but he knew they would be worth it. 

“Okay,”

A few minutes later, she knocked on his doorframe, and he spun. She had a soft looking robe on. Green with matching lace trim. 

He looked almost instantly disappointed. 

“I thought you might want to take it off,” she offered quietly, taking a few steps toward him.

He was still just in his pajama pants, the band of his boxers peeking above the waistband. God, why was that always so sexy? 

Though he appreciated the gesture, Nico shook his head. 

Stopping abruptly, Lena confirmed, “no?” 

Shaking his head again, Nico managed to clear his throat and tell her, “want you to.”

Fingers trembling with excitement, she pulled one end of the tie, slipping it from the bow. 

This was an exercise in a kind of vulnerability Lena had never experienced before. Yes, Nico was her best friend, and she trusted him with her life, but she’d never undressed in front of someone like this. This wasn’t just about seduction. This was about bearing herself to a man she loved and who she knew loved her. There was anticipation, but no nervousness, longing, but no worry. There was love and more love and more love under that. She’d never felt like that before.

This wasn’t some kind of strip tease meant to thrill. No, she was bearing a piece of her soul.

Nico found he was holding his breath and made himself pull air into his lungs. 

Lena grasped the two sides of the robe and pulled them apart until they slipped over her shoulders. The fabric puddled to the floor around her feet. 

 A noise he couldn’t control flew out of his mouth. God, if he thought she looked beautiful in the picture, it was nothing compared to this. To the reality of her standing in front of him. She was real — supple skin and hazel eyes and curves he wanted to spend his entire life traversing — right down to her hands, which were splayed over the flesh of her hips as if she didn’t know what else to do with them. 

She was…she was a goddess. He would worship her every day of the week. “You’re so beautiful, Lena,” he croaked.

“Thank you,” she said, a blush pinking her cheeks. 

“Can you —” he had to pause to clear his throat. 

She nodded encouragingly. 

“Can I see the back?” 

She let out a little giggle and turned for him, looking back over her shoulder.

The back of the bra was fairly standard - straps and a band that was secured by a row of hooks. The underwear were anything but. They cut high on her cheeks and perfectly accentuated the curvature of her hips. His jaw went slack. 

This was a better response than she could have asked for. When she’d bought this set, one of the selling points was how good the panties made her ass look. Having Nico appreciate it to the point of open mouthed silence, sent a delighted thrill through her. 

“Now you?” she said, turning back around and nodding at his pants.

Taking a deep breath, he worked his thumbs under the waistband of his pajamas. Pushing the elastic over his hips, the cotton fell down, and he stepped out of it. 

Lena let out a thick sigh, eyes roaming over him, from the bob of his Adam’s apple and flex of his stomach to the dark hair trailing from his belly button into the elastic band of his briefs and the lighter hair that crept up his thighs. She'd seen all these things before as an artist, but now, she was seeing them as a woman. She didn't have to stuff down her desire or try to channel it through her pencil. She got to admire him as a woman who wanted him. 

When their eyes met again, his were nervous, as if waiting for a verdict. Instead of saying anything, she took the few steps forward, slid her hand to the back of his neck, and nudged him down as she raised herself on tiptoe. 

Their lips met, and that feeling of rightness filled Lena again. As her tongue swept into his waiting mouth, she pressed herself against him. 

Taking the time to savor the feel of the lace beneath his palms, Nico caressed her hips slowly before sliding them around to cradle her rump. 

She broke the kiss, and his hands were suddenly sliding up her body as she lowered onto her knees in front of him. “Shit, Lena,” he breathed. 

A coy, sexy smile took over her face, and Lena leaned in to press her lips to his right thigh. The muscle jumped beneath his skin.

“Wait.” 

Pulling back to sit on her haunches, Lena looked up at him, surprised. No man had ever told her to stop when she was setting up to suck him off. 

Half of Nico’s brain was in his dick, but he needed to get this right. “I went first last time,” he said.

“It’s not like we have to take turns.” 

“I know, but I want to give first.” When she didn’t move, he added on a slightly desperate, “please.” 

She nodded, and he took her hands to pull her to her feet. They turned so her back was facing the bed, and he smiled indulgently at the way she had to do a little hop to sit on the mattress. 

“Lay back,” he said. 

She scooted up to the pillows and did as he instructed.

She was a fantasy in his dark sheets. 

Biting his lip, he paused to admire her for a moment before climbing onto the bed and covering her body with his. As their mouths met in a passionate, desperate kiss, he settled between her legs. He rutted his hips into her, and she moaned. The sound made him heady, and he did it again just to hear it. If they kept that up, he would be begging her to let him fuck her right then. But he knew from fingering her the week before that she would need to be relaxed and stretched a bit before she could take him comfortably. Plus, now that she was in his bed in this lingerie, he had to bring his desires to life. And he really fucking wanted his mouth on her. 

He broke from the kiss and trailed his lips over her chin and down her neck and chest. Too impatient to wait, his mouth found her pebbled nipple, teasing it through the fabric of her bra. 

Lena had never felt anything so hot in her life. Her hands wove into his hair, and she moaned. “Nico. Oh my god.”

He moved on too quickly, but before she could complain, his lips were skimming over her stomach, down to the band of her panties. The memory of his confession crashed into her mind. 

I want to lick you over that lace before I take it off and make you come on my tongue.

She writhed beneath him.

He nosed her mound gently, playfully, and glanced up to her face. “This is still okay?” 

“Yes!” she hissed, voice pulled tight. “Please, Nico.”

Who was he to deny what she wanted? 

Spreading her thighs with his hands, he leaned in and trailed his nose up the gusset of her underwear. His mouth started to water. Shit, she smelled so good. 

He couldn’t hold back any longer. His tongue met the lace, licking a slow stripe up the center. He could almost taste her through the fabric. The sweet, tangy flavor he'd been craving for a week was so close. 

Lena could almost feel him. There was pressure, and the heat from his breath was there, but the full stimulation of his tongue wasn't. Experiencing him like this was so hot, the anticipation of feeling him built and built until it felt like she may just explode. She let out a wanton moan of his name.

He teased her until her hips were grinding up, and her breathing was coming out in hot puffs. He teased her until he couldn’t take it anymore. 

She whined when he pulled back but cut the noise off when his fingers slipped into the band of her underwear and started pulling it down. Desperate to please, she lifted her hips, allowing him to peel them from her body more easily.

He took his time, running his hands down her legs, and when the fabric was free, he brought it to his nose just to work himself up a little more. His dick twitched.

“Fuck,” she whispered. Who knew her polite, cheerful Nico had this side to him? 

He almost wished he was still wearing pants so he could slip her panties into his pocket. Instead, he tossed them over the side of the bed. He’d pick them up later. 

Settling between her legs again, he looked up to meet her gaze over the expanse of her body. Propped up on her elbows, her chest rose and fell, testing the limits of her bra with every inhale. He could hardly stand it.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”

She blushed. How did he know exactly what to say? Could he read her thoughts or something? 

“You’ll tell me if you don’t like something,” he verified, “or if you want something else?” 

Only after she nodded did he get to work, plunging his face between her thighs like he’d been dreaming of for years. 

A sense of deep satisfaction rumbled in his chest when she cried out.

She tasted the same, like he remembered, and better: sweet and tangy and fresh. It was just so Lena. He couldn't get enough. He licked and kissed and teased and tasted.

Falling back against his pillows, Lena moaned his name. 

Her left hand found its way into his hair again, weaving the long, soft strands through her fingers. The reality of this fantasy coming true made her shake as much as his clever tongue did. 

He moved to lap at her entrance, which was not where she wanted him at all.

“Nico, I –” her voice cut off with a moan as his nose nudged her clit. 

Fuck it. Tightening her fingers into a fist, she tugged on his hair, guiding his mouth where she needed it.

He grunted into her as his lips surrounded her throbbing pearl, so eager for his attention.

“There,” her voice was a breathy pant that made his heart race, “right there, Nico.” 

Hands tightening on her thighs, he feasted. 

Her hips shifted, and even though it made it near impossible for him to breathe, he kept on, intent on his mission. 

“Suck.” 

It took half a second for his brain to understand her word as a command. He obeyed, and the groan she let out made him light headed. Or maybe that was the lack of oxygen. It didn’t matter. There was no way he was stopping until she was falling apart beneath him. 

He thought briefly about using his fingers, but no. He wanted to make her come like this first. 

His lips and tongue continued working their magic on her. Pressure built and tingled in her pelvis until it spread, shooting down her legs and making her toes curl. 

“Nico,” she gasped. 

When he glanced up, he found her right hand cupping her breast, thumb and forefinger teasing the peak of her nipple through the lace of her bra. The sight of it — of her adding to her own pleasure — made his eyes roll back. 

The vibration of his groan lit her on fire. It was the final push she needed to tip over the edge. 

She crashed in an explosion of color and sound as his eager mouth kept working, sending wave after wave of ecstasy rushing through her body.

The pleasured noises she chanted were the most beautiful music he’d ever heard. She pulsed under his mouth, and he lapped at her release. He wanted to drink from her fountain for the rest of his life. 

Coming back to herself, Lena pushed him away from her core before the overstimulation could turn into pain. 

The sight of him — eyes hooded with desire, mouth and chin wet with her orgasm — made her moan again as he pushed himself up. 

Nico felt drunk. Drunk on her pleasure and the fact that he’d been the one to pull it out of her. 

He licked his lips, pulling more of her release into his mouth before wiping his face with the back of his hand.

He lay next to her and slid his hand over her stomach, letting it come to rest comfortably cupping her breast.

Lena was flat on her back, trying to get her breathing back to a normal rhythm. 

“Oh my god,” she finally managed to gasp. 

“It was good?” he asked. 

“Yes!” she smacked his chest when she said it. “I don’t… I mean…” 

He smiled as she tried to find the words. 

Turning her head, she met his gaze. “I never knew you were so nasty.” 

“I wasn’t mean,” he defended, hurt that she was accusing him. 

“No, like kinky.” 

He hated this part of speaking English. Why did so many words have so many different meanings that they already had words for?

“It’s kinky that I like the way you smell and taste?” 

“I’ve never — I mean no one has ever…”

“It was my first time with you,” he said, nuzzling his nose into her neck. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I wanted to savor it.”

“Speaking of, I think it’s your turn,” she said coyly, pressing a hand to his shoulder. She shoved, and he flopped onto his back without protest. 

She climbed over him, straddling his torso. 

Finally feeling the weight of her on top of him was heaven. She was tethering him down to earth. 

Her hot wetness against his skin made him twitch. He couldn't wait to bury himself inside her. Just imagining how tight and wet she'd feel around him made him moan.  

“I haven't even touched you yet,” she smirked. 

“I want you so bad.” The words slipped out in German. He started to translate, but she cut him off. 

“I got the idea,” she said seductively as she leaned down to kiss him. She could taste herself on his lips and tongue as she did her best to work him up with her mouth alone.  

The way he moaned sent a bolt of desire through her. Unable to stop herself, she rutted her hips against the hard wall of his stomach. 

He choked out a curse, head tipping back into the pillows. 

Taking advantage, she connected her mouth to his throat, feeling his Adams apple move under her lips as he swallowed hard. 

“Lena.” 

She moved to the other side of his neck. 

His hands slipped to her hips, desperate to touch her. 

As she slid down his body, her core passed over his, causing gentle pressure on his cock through the confining material of his boxers. His hips thrust up, desperate for more. 

Bracing on his chest, Lena pushed herself up and ground her hips down on his. 

Lashes fluttering, his eyes rolled back, and he gripped her hips with more ferocity. 

She’d never had this kind of power over a man before. It made her heady with the want to tease him until he begged.

“Lena,” he groaned, almost as if in pain. 

“Hmm?”

“I’m —” he gasped as she reached around, unclasped her bra, and took it off. She threw it across the room.

“I’m gonna come if you keep doing that,” he warned as she rocked against him.

“Is that so bad?” she asked, her voice thrown into mock innocence. 

“I — fuck.” She was riling him up and he loved it. “Want to feel your mouth,” he finally managed to say. 

“What if I want to hear you beg?”

His eyes shot open, pupils blown wide. Her tone was playful, as were her eyes, and mirth dripped from her smile. He knew if he said he didn’t like it, she’d stop right away. Except, with her on top of him, he found he was ready to do whatever she wanted. 

“Lena.” 

“Hmm?” 

“Fuck, Lena. Please.” If she wanted him to beg, he’d beg. 

“Please what?” she asked innocently, lowering her mouth over his nipple. He twitched against her as her tongue circled the small peak before flicking over the top of it. 

His breath practically huffed out of his lungs. 

“I want your mouth,” he groaned. “Please.”

“You do have very good manners,” she complimented, pushing herself up again. 

They were going to go out the window if she didn't do something soon. “Please.”

If he didn’t know her sliding further down his body likely meant he would feel her mouth soon, he would have whined at the loss of stimulation. 

Once she found herself over his legs, Lena leaned down to kiss that trail of dark hair that wound its way down the center of his abs and dipped into the waistband of his boxer briefs. 

“Can I take these off?” she asked as her fingers tucked under the elastic. 

“Please,” bracing on his heels, he thrust his hips up so she could remove them, breathing a sigh of relief when his cock sprung free of the confining material. 

“How do you like it?” she asked, hands caressing up his thighs. 

He gulped. “I —” 

“Or do you just want me to start, and you can tell me if you don’t like something?” 

He nodded vigorously. The thing he wanted most was for her to just put her mouth on him. He’d dreamed of it so many times, and now, here she was, leaning over him. 

The guttural groan that tore from his chest as Lena wrapped her lips around the head of his cock surprised them both. Her eyes shot up to look at his face, making sure he wasn’t in pain. His eyes were glued to her, wide with adoration and lust. The sight of her with her lips around him — he could die a happy man. 

“You feel so good,” he groaned. 

She loved that when he got worked up, his accent thickened.

 One of her hands was braced on his thigh, while the other swept up to cradle his balls, stroking the sensitive skin with her thumb.

The only thing Nico could do was chant her name. Every time he tried to say something else, she did something new, hollowing her cheeks, or sensuously licking the tip, or moving her mouth to the underside of his cock so her open lips traced the vein there, the tip of her tongue whispering between them. 

When her lips wrapped around him again, he was gone. “Gonna –-”  he only managed to get that one word out before he was exploding into her hot, heavenly mouth.

She squeaked in surprise but relished sucking his release off and feeling it slide down her throat. 

She lay beside him, watching Nico gasping in breaths, contented to have brought out this side of him. 

“Holy shit,” he said. 

“It was good?” she asked, repeating his earlier question and trying not to giggle. 

Turning his head, he glanced at her, one eyebrow raised. 

Before either of them could respond, her stomach grumbled loudly. 

Her eyes widened, and her hand flew to cover it, “Sorry, I’ve usually eaten by this time.”

“You don't need to apologize,” he said, laughing. 

“Why aren’t you all grumbly?” she asked. 

“I…ate a protein bar while you were getting changed,” he admitted. 

“You – what? And you didn't even think to share?” she demanded, playfully shoving away from him. “Some boyfriend you are.”

He smiled at being called her boyfriend,  even through the insult. 

“Sharing your food is like boyfriend 101.”

“I did order breakfast,” he offered. 

“When?”  

“Last night. It should be here in,” he glanced at the clock on his nightstand, “fifteen minutes. I kind of forgot how early you wake up.”

“Nico Hischier,” she said, voice full of teasing admonition as she crawled over him, “did you plan to seduce me this morning?”

He grinned, and she laughed as he pulled her down. She bounced on his chest. “Maybe I did. Aren't you glad I at least planned ahead?”

Pulling back to look into his face, her smile was soft and full of love. “Yes,” she said, leaning down to kiss him. “Yes, I am.” 

While waiting for breakfast to arrive, they made out, slowly and passionately, hands tracing each others bodies with a reverent tenderness Lena had always dreamed of. 

He was already stiff against her thigh again. It seemed impossible he could be nearly ready to go so soon after coming. He really did have the body of a God. 

His phone buzzed on the nightstand, and he pulled away reluctantly. 

“That’s breakfast,” he said. 

“Guess we should go get it,” she said, though she didn’t make any moves to get off of him. 

“I’ll go,” he said, pressing a quick kiss to her pouty, over-kissed mouth, “you stay here.” 

She watched as he threw on a new pair of boxers, some joggers, and a t-shirt before strolling out of the apartment. 

“Have you seen my underwear?” she asked when he came back through the door, a bag from her favorite bagel shop in one hand, and two coffees in a carrier in the other. 

“Hu?” he asked, slipping the coffees onto the table. 

“My underwear,” she said. “I couldn’t find them in your room.” 

“Weird,” he said, hoping she wouldn’t pick up on the hot flush of his cheeks. 

“Do you have them?” she asked. When all he responded with was a non-committal grunt, she surmised, “they’re in your pocket, aren’t they?”

He couldn’t keep the little smile off of his face. 

She rolled her eyes and took the iced coffee. “It’s a good thing I love you.” 

His smile grew brighter, and he handed her her sandwich. 

“No one’s ever made me feel like you do, Nico.”

 He’d just been telling her he felt like he won the lottery, and she wanted to assure him she felt the same. 

“Like no ones made you come?” he asked, licking ketchup off his thumb.

“No. Well, I mean, yes. You’re better because you listen —”

A smug smile took over his face. 

“I mean that you accept me. Like all of me. That hadn’t really happened in my life before you.” 

His brows shot up.

“I don’t think my family really knew what to do with me,” she said, picking up the other half of her ham and egg sandwich. 

“What do you mean?” 

“They’re all sporty, you know, and I’m…not. I’ve always been this creative free spirit, and I think my parents were at a bit of a loss when I was so bad at skating and said I wanted to take drawing lessons instead.”

“They love your art, though.” Nico had met her parents, and both of them seemed extremely proud of her. 

“They’re better now, but when I was in primary school, and even up to the point that you came in, it always felt a bit like they resented that I had these talents.” 

“Resented?” he asked. 

“Yeah, like they wished I was more like the rest of the family.”

His brows drew together. 

“And don’t get me started on the boys on the team.” 

“Everyone really liked you. I think every guy on the team had a crush on you.” All the more reason to feel contented he had her now.

“Listen, you don’t get it.”

“Don’t I?” 

“No. You were always good at sport and popular, right?” 

He made a non-commital noise. Popularity in North America was very different from how he grew up. There was much more comparison than he ever experienced. 

“I was always the artsy girl in a place that worships sports.”

“But you came to sports?”

“Yeah,” one of her shoulders shrugged up, “I came to support my friends, but they hardly ever came to things to support me. I remember Robbie told me once, ‘I don’t have enough culture for that,’ when I invited him to an art show I had some pieces in.” 

Robbie had been their goalie, who had brought Lena into the friend group. He and Jessica were now married and had several children. 

Nico’s heart broke a little. 

“And then you came in and not only did you not treat me like the only thing I was good for was being looked at, you knew some things about art, and you actually talked to me about it.”

In fact, She still vividly remembered her first encounter with Nico. 

She’d been sitting on the refreshments counter at the rink, drawing in her ever-present sketchbook while Jessica puttered around the tiny kitchen. He’d walked up to her, asked if he could see, and said, “that’s very good,” when she showed him.

She’d blushed and thanked him, and he asked where she learned to draw. 

Jessica had interjected then, bragging about Lena’s painting skills, and telling him he should come see them at the school the next time he was there.

He’d then given Lena his trademark dimpled smile and said he would. 

She was used to this. Boys said this all the time, but then would never actually show. 

Lo and behold, three days later, she was shocked to find Nico outside the art classroom after school, studying one of her paintings Mr. Jacobsen had hung in the hallway. 

“Hey Nico.”

He startled a little, “hi, Lena. You did this, right?” 

She nodded. 

“It’s very good. I like the shape,” he said, then frowned, shaking his head slightly, “not the shape. The,” he gestured with his hands as if dividing the three sections of the painting, the sky, forrest and field. “What’s the word for this?” he asked, repeating the gesture. 

“The composition?” she guessed. 

“Yes, the composition,” he said, relieved that she understood what he was trying to say. “I like that the sky is bigger. It feels like that here.” 

“Thank you.” It was exactly what she’d been aiming for. 

“You’re very talented,” he said, turning to look at her. He met her eyes and smiled. 

“Thank you,” she said again, wishing she had some other way to respond to his compliments. She didn’t have much experience with the nice, cute boy in school talking to her about art and pulling out words like composition and knowing how to use them properly in a sentence. 

It had started their friendship. It was amazing how that simple interaction of him following through made her feel. Not only seen in so many ways, but also that it kicked the budding crush she had on him into hyperdrive. She’d never met another man like him. 

Pink splotches rose high on his cheeks, and he gave her a chagrined smile. 

“What?” she asked, laughing. 

“I didn’t know much about art,” he said. “I went home and looked it up so I could talk to you about it.”

His confession made her heart burst, “really?” 

He nodded, “you were passionate about it, and I wanted to know you, so I had to learn so we could talk.”

“Nico, I can’t believe you did that for me.” 

He blushed and smiled some more. 

“How are you even real?” she asked, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair. 

It called up memories of not that long ago when she had her fingers tangled in his hair for a different reason. “Real?” he asked. 

“You’re like a dream,” she said, hand slipping to cup his jaw. “Kind and thoughtful and dedicated, and handsome to boot. It’s like you’re too perfect to be real.” 

He laughed, loud and open. He couldn’t think of anyone further from perfect than himself. 

After their meal and brushing their teeth, Nico spent some more time between her legs, eating a second and third breakfast, using his beautiful hands to aid in bringing her to a crest twice more. 

“Fuck,” she breathed as he lay next to her, “how did you get so good at that?” 

He laughed, wiping his face with his hand. “I don’t know. I listen.” 

“You listen?” she repeated. 

“Yeah, you make this little ‘uh,’” he imitated a high pitched grunt, “noise when you feel good, so I do whatever I just did again when you make it.” 

Rolling onto her side, she looked at him, “I do?” 

He nodded. 

“When did you notice that?” 

“Last week. You told me what to do and then made that noise when I did it. So I tired it again,” he said with a shrug and a secret little smile.

She knew Nico was used to noticing things other people didn’t. It’s what made him a good hockey player. He noticed and noted things about players and teams and used them to put together his best game possible. He even noticed things about her - like the fact that she liked pistachio flavored things, and liked to paint on the right side of the living room and that she liked a margarita. She couldn't remember ever telling him these things, but he had pistachio creamer in his fridge, moved the living room furniture around, and brought her a margarita whenever they went out together. 

“You’re something else, Nico Hischier,” Lena said, bringing her hand up to the side of his face. 

He smiled, nuzzling his cheek into her palm. 

“What do you want?” he asked. He wanted her, but if she wanted more foreplay, he would give it to her. He just wanted her to be happy. 

Scooting closer, she slung a leg over his hip. She held eye contact as she said, “I want you to make love to me, Nico.” 

His hand slid onto her thigh, up to her hip, and over the curve of her waist in a reverent exploration. “How do you want it? Like, what position?” he asked. 

“Missionary,” she said, her fingers tracing over his collar bone and onto his chest. “I want to see you.” 

It struck him as a tender thing for her to request, and he was glad for it. He wanted to see her, too. They could try more intense positions later. For now, that was how it needed to be. 

“Where are you going?” she asked when he rolled away from her. 

He glanced back at her with a cheeky smile. “Eager,” he teased with a lingering scan of her body as he reached into the drawer of his bedside table. 

She snorted. 

“I’m getting a condom,” he said, holding up the foil wrapped package once he’d dug one out. 

“Oh,” she said. “I have an IUD if you don’t want to.” 

His next breath came shallow. 

“I mean, unless you’re not clean. I haven’t had unprotected sex since I was last tested.”

He didn’t like to think of her having any sex at all unless it was with him. “We get tested at the start of every season,” he said. “All clear. I haven’t had sex since then.” 

“Then,” she reached forward to pluck the condom from his fingers, relieved she hadn’t been the only celibate one for the last three months, “I don’t think we need to use one.” She tossed it behind him. It landed on the nightstand, skidded across the surface, and fell somewhere they could find later. “I don’t want anything between us.”

Her eyes were dark with desire, and he felt it through his whole body. 

“You’re incredible,” he said reverently, bringing his body next to hers again. 

She reached between them to stroke his erection and his eyes fluttered closed. Feeling her hand reminded him how quickly he’d come in her mouth. “I’m scared I won’t last,” he admitted. 

He’d dreamed of being inside her for so long, gotten himself off to the thought of it so many times, he might just explode the second it became real. Reality shortening his fuze to next to nothing.

“Nico.” 

He met her gaze. 

“I don’t care how long you last.” Lena was struck once again with how handsome he was. Those big, brown doe eyes and pouty mouth. How was this her life? 

He scoffed. 

“I’m serious,” she said, giving him a look that told the truth. “I just want to feel you.” 

He looked almost as if he might cry. 

“And I know if you do come too fast, you’ll make it up to me. You’ve already given me four orgasms and it’s not even ten in the morning.” 

He chuckled, glad for her reassurance and humor. 

“Is this helping?” she asked, continuing at the same, gentle pace, “or no?” 

He nodded. It probably was helping - getting him used to the feel of her.

“Do you want me to keep going?” 

He shook his head, finally getting up the strength to pull her hand away. They’d waited long enough. 

Lena rolled onto her back, and he followed, bracing himself on his forearms above her. 

As he reached down go guide himself, Nico pulled in a deep breath. Slow. They were going to take this slow, and everything was going to be fine.

Even nestling his tip against her entrance sent sparks pinging through his system. 

He tore his eyes from where their bodies would soon be joined and looked into her face, “this is okay?”

She nodded.

“You’ll tell me if —” 

She leaned up to cut him off with a kiss. “Make love to me, Nico,” she whispered as she settled back against the pillows. 

And so, he eased forward. 

Her hips tipped to his, a pleasured sigh escaping her lips. There was a stretch, but he’d prepped her so well, there was no pain. 

She met his gaze as his hips settled against hers. He was looking at her with all this love and adoration. No one had ever looked at her like that but him. Reaching up, she swept some of his hair out of his eyes, only to have it fall right back. 

A laugh chuffed out of him as if to agree that was a losing battle.  

“You can move,” she said after a few more moments of his trembling stillness. 

He swallowed and shifted his hips back. 

She took in a sharp breath. “Oh.”

“Feels good?” his voice was tight with restraint. 

The fullness of him was good, but feeling him move inside her was better. “Yes,” she moaned. 

A thousand little dreams came true.  

The sight of her beneath him was a replay of so many fantasies, his resolve was unraveling too fast. He knew she meant what she said about him coming too soon, but he wanted to be good for her, and, dammit, he wanted to feel her fall apart around him. He slammed his eyes closed. 

“How does it,” she gasped as he withdrew to the tip, “feel?” 

“You feel so good, Lena,” he panted. “You’re so tight.”

“Or you’re so thick,” she countered, back arching as he thrust back onto her, a little harder.

That’s when she heard it, that little grunt. It was something her body seemed to do naturally. She would never have noticed it if Nico hadn’t pointed it out. And he’d picked up on it almost immediately, filing the information in his beautiful brain to help bring her pleasure. What had she ever done to deserve this man?

Nico risked looking at her. She was beautiful every time he saw her, but this took the cake.

“What do you need? What will make you come?” 

Of course Nico was mature enough to communicate and know he needed her help to get her there.

“Keep going,” she panted as her hand slipped between them in search of her clit. Nico felt so good. So incredible inside her, but she'd never been able to get off by penetration alone. 

His jaw dropped as her walls fluttered around him. “Fuck can't do that,” he groaned. 

“Need it,” she whispered, pressing purposeful circles over the sensitive bundle. 

He moaned her name and buried his face in her neck. She felt so much better than he'd even fantasized. 

She made a noise that made his hair stand on end. God, how was he going to get through this without embarrassing himself when she sounded like that? Like more than all of his dreams combined?

“Nico,” she moaned his name the same way, and he felt his resolve crumble a little bit more. 

Pulling from every self discipline lesson he'd learned in hockey and beyond, he stilled, reminding his body his mind was more powerful. 

Once he had some semblance of control back, his competitive determination snapped into place, and his desire to please her took the drivers seat. He needed to see her come beneath him.

“Nico. Can you…” she trailed off before demanding, “harder.”

He braced lifted himself higher and drove his cock into her with more ferocity, grunting with each show of strength. 

Feeling his strong hips drive into her over and over again made her back bow. “Oh my god. Nico, yes!”

Sweat broke out along his hairline just as much from exertion as the restraint he was clinging to. 

“I’m almost there.”

“Let go,” he growled. 

Her mouth dropped open. She never expected to hear Nico order her around at all, but hearing the gruff command in SwissGerman sent her body into a frenzy. She had no idea what he said, but it was the hottest fucking thing she'd ever heard. 

Her hips rose to meet his, and he could still feel her fingers between them, working for her own high. 

He watched pleasure roll across her face and continued on.  “Lena,” his resolve was slipping, and he heard desperation creep into his voice. “Come.”  

That one word order — she knew it had to be — tipped her over the precipice, and her body seized.

Feeling her walls clench around him pulled a shout from his gut. Fuck, she felt so good. As he continued, the rapid pulsating began. 

“Lena,” it came out a desperate moan. “Lena.”

This was…she was… 

Careening over the edge with a shouted, “Fuck!” he flooded her in a haze of bliss. 

Afterglow turned his limbs to jelly, and he collapsed atop her. 

Walking to his locker the next morning, Nico tried his best to be as inconspicuous as possible. If he didn’t draw attention to the hickeys on his neck and chest, no one would notice. He’d just change with his chest facing the stall. 

“Ooh!” Dawson called out as soon as he’d stripped off his shirt, “Cap finally got laid!”

He went rigid. The memory of Lena’s nails raking over his back as she unraveled beneath him for the fourth - or maybe it was the fifth - time flew into his mind. 

He'd nearly howled like a wolf when she'd done it. The pain, together with the pleasure of her walls constricting around him – not to mention the very reality that he was the one making her come so hard – made him see stars. 

“Whose the lucky lady?” Jack asked, sauntering over, “was it that blonde from the bar? I bet it was the blonde.” 

He felt himself snort. “No,” he said, voice louder than he expected. Of course it wasn’t the blonde from the bar. Some girl he’d just met could never compare.

“Who was it then? We all know it wasn’t Lena.” 

Nico couldn’t help the smug little smile that spread over his lips. 

Jonas picked up on it right away. “it was Lena wasn’t it?” he asked, eyes going wide. 

Feeling himself blush, Nico tried and failed to keep the grin off his face.

“It was!” Jack exclaimed. “You finally got the balls!” he clapped a hand on Nicos shoulder and spun him around, taking in the marks on his chest and neck. “Looks like she enjoyed herself at least!” he said with a laugh.

“Aw man,” Dawson moaned, sinking onto the bench at his stall. “Why are all the hot girls taken?” 

“You didn’t seriously think you had a chance with Lena, did you?” Curtis chirped, one sarcastic eyebrow raised. 

Dawson shrugged, feeling his face and neck get hot. 

“Didn’t you see the way she and Nico have been eye fucking each other the past four months? Neeks was practically on his knees at Halloween.” 

“I was not,” Nico defended. 

“No,” Jack broke in, “you were. You were practically drooling, to be honest.” 

Coming home after practice, the apartment smelled heavenly. Like spicy sausage and something creamy. Lena was cooking. 

He followed his nose to the kitchen and found her at the stove in a pair of running shorts and a gray Devils t-shirt, stirring whatever she had in the sauce pot. 

As he watched, she brought the spoon to her mouth, tipped her head to the side as she tasted, then reached for the salt. She shook some in before stirring and repeating the process.

She must have deemed it done because she set the spoon down and flipped off the burner. She grabbed some hot pads and lifted the pot off the stove. 

A yelp escaped her mouth when Lena turned to find Nico in the doorway, looking at her. She nearly dropped the whole pot of sauce. 

 “Oh my God! Why do you do that?” she demanded, managing to set the pot back on the stove. 

An amused smile lifted his mouth, dimpling one cheek more than the other. “Do what?” 

“You keep just showing up in the kitchen without any warning!” she said, flapping a hot pad in his direction, “and it scares the hell out of me when I turn around.” 

“I just get too distracted to say hello,” he admitted. 

“Distracted?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, you’re…” he paused, gesturing to her as he tried to find the right words. “You’re so pretty it steals my thoughts sometimes.”

She blushed. 

“That time I came in when you had that pink underwear on, I thought I might faint.”

She rolled her eyes. 

“I’m serious, Lena,” he said, finally stepping in so he could put his hands on her waist. The fact that he could touch her like this now was still banging pots and pans around his brain each time he did it.

“You thought you might faint?” she repeated. “that seems a little dramatic, Nico.” 

He shrugged, “it was like this stolen moment.”

“What?” 

He paused, working his thumbs under the shirt hanging loose on her petite frame. He loved that she’d started wearing his shirts.

“I loved you for so long, and it was like this little, secret gift.” His thumbs drew circles on her skin as he thought through the words, “it was like I was seeing you like I might if we were together, and I just couldn’t…I couldn’t bear to say anything because it would break it.”

“I thought you were shocked at my thighs,” she blurted, effectively running the moment. What he was saying was so incredibly sweet, but him bringing up that moment brought her straight back. 

He laughed quietly. “I was shocked at your thighs. I don’t think I’d ever seen you in your underwear.” 

“I mean…I thought you didn’t like them,” she said quietly, hoping he didn’t think she was fishing for compliments. The way he’d tenderly kissed her there the night before told her she’d been wrong. 

His gaze grew soft, “you’re so beautiful, Lena. How could you think that?” 

One of her shoulders shrugged up. “I’ve never really liked them.”

His hand slid down over her hip to tenderly grip the flesh, “I love them,” he said, leaning in closer to nuzzle his nose against hers. “I especially like what’s between them.” 

“You’re insatiable,” she teased, even as her heart fluttered. It was a strange thing to have her insecurities turned inside out so easily. 

“Can you blame me?” he asked, lips whispering over hers, “when I’ve wanted you for so long, and now,” he slid his other hand to her other thigh, and tightened his fingers, nudging her to jump. She did, and he moved to cup her rear to hold her up as her ankles hooked around his waist. “Now I have you?” The truth in his statement, along with the feel of her body pressed against his, made him a little breathless.

The steps they’d taken to get here were clear, and she followed them again and again in her mind, but in moments like this, it still felt like a dream. Instead of answering, she kissed him.

They’d kissed a lot now, but it still felt so new that each time she initiated, each time she caught his mouth, and especially each time her tongue brushed against his, his knees went a little weak. 

Stumbling just slightly, he backed up and ran into the fridge. The bottles in the door clinked and rattled in protest. 

The sauce and baked potatoes were long forgotten as he carried her to the bedroom.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Playlist

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[dovesdreaming]

In the quiet halls

A/N: I only recently discovered people write for him so if his character doesn’t seem right please give me tips! I also didn’t know who was the more popular fancast so I just stuck with David tenant because I think he’s hot 🤭

Summary: when Barty finds you in the empty halls crying his fist reaction is anger at who made you feel like this but it melts away when you look at him with tear rimmed eyes. Barty comforts you the best he can.

Request

Masterlist

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Barty had never been great with emotions, particularly his own. Growing up in the cold, controlled environment of the Crouch household, feelings were something to be kept under wraps, hidden away where they couldn't make you vulnerable. But you.. you had always been different. You weren’t afraid to feel, to express yourself, to be open and honest in a way that made him question everything he'd ever known about control. Which was why it terrified him just how much he cared about you. What had started as friendship had slowly turned into something more, something he didn’t know how to deal with. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, the way your laugh echoed through the common room, the way you always managed to say the right thing when he was in a bad mood, the way your smile made his heart race. But you were his best friend, and he wasn’t about to ruin that by confessing his feelings. No, it was better to keep things as they were, even if it meant pretending that you didn’t make his heart ache in ways he couldn’t explain.So, he kept it to himself, content to stand by your side and quietly pine after you, knowing that you deserved more than someone like him. You deserved someone who wasn’t constantly wrestling with the darkness inside him, someone who wasn’t constantly trying to live up to impossible expectations.

He was on his way to the library, mentally preparing himself for another late-night study session, when he saw you in one of the empty corridors. His brow furrowed in concern when he noticed the way you were slumped against the wall, arms wrapped tightly around yourself. You looked… small. Defeated. And most importantly you had hidden yourself away in a corridor instead of seeking comfort like you usually do. His stomach twisted as he quickly closed the distance between you, dread curling in his chest. He had seen you upset before, but this was different. You looked like you were barely holding it together. “Hey” he said softly, crouching down in front of you. “What happened?” You didn’t look up, and for a moment, you didn’t answer. Barty’s heart pounded in his chest, and he felt an unfamiliar surge of protectiveness rise in him, the kind that made his hands clench into fists. Who had done this to you? Who had made you feel this way?

“Who upset you?” he asked, his voice tight with barely contained anger. His mind raced with images of every possible person who could’ve upset you. Whoever it was, they’d have to answer to him. But then, you looked up at him, and the anger that had been building inside him evaporated the moment he saw your face. Your eyes were red-rimmed, tears still clinging to your lashes, and your expression was so utterly broken that it made his chest hurt. The fierceness in him melted, replaced by a deep, gnawing ache. His voice softened instantly. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asked, his tone gentle now. “Talk to me”. You sniffed, wiping at your eyes with the back of your hand, trying to compose yourself, but it was clear you were struggling. Barty’s heart broke a little more at the sight of you trying to be strong.

“I-It’s stupid” you said shakily, your voice barely above a whisper. “It’s just… today’s been awful. Everything’s gone wrong, and I-I feel like I can’t do anything right. Like I’m failing at everything”. Barty’s heart ached at your words. He had seen you go through tough days before, but it was rare to see you so broken. Normally, you were the strong one, the one who kept your head held high no matter what. Seeing you like this, seeing you hurt, was unbearable. “Hey, no” he said softly, sitting down beside you, his shoulder pressing against yours in a gesture of quiet support. “You’re not failing. You’re… you’re brilliant. You’re one of the strongest people I know”. You gave him a shaky laugh, but it was clear you didn’t believe him. “I don’t feel strong right now” you whispered. “I feel like I’m falling apart”. Barty swallowed the lump in his throat, his mind racing as he tried to find the right words to comfort you. “You don’t have to be strong all the time, you know” he said quietly. “It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to feel like this”.

You shook your head, still struggling to hold back tears. “But it’s more than that. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. I try so hard, and I just… I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending everything’s fine”. Barty felt his chest tighten. He hated seeing you like this. He hated that you were feeling so alone, so lost, and he hated that he hadn’t noticed sooner. He reached out, hesitating for just a moment before gently taking your hand in his. The contact was warm, grounding, and thought he had touched you before in casual ways, brushing arms, light nudges this felt more deliberate, more intimate. “You don’t have to pretend with me” he said softly, his thumb brushing against the back of your hand. “Not ever. I’m here, alright? Whatever’s going on, we’ll get through it together”. You glanced down at your intertwined hands, your fingers curling slightly around his. The small gesture made his heart skip a beat, but he pushed that feeling aside. This wasn’t about him. This was about you, and right now, all that mattered was making sure you knew he was there for you.

“I just.. I don’t know what to do anymore” you admitted, your voice so quiet that he had to strain to hear you. “Everything feels like it’s falling apart”. Barty’s heart ached as he listened to you, every word making him want to pull you closer, to hold you until you felt safe again. But he didn’t want to push you, didn’t want to overstep. He settled for squeezing your hand a little tighter, offering what comfort he could. “You don’t have to figure everything out right now” he said softly. “One step at a time, okay? And you don’t have to do it alone”. You were silent for a moment, your gaze fixed on the ground. Then, slowly, you leaned your head against his shoulder, your body slumping against his in exhaustion. Barty felt his breath catch in his throat, but he didn’t move. He didn’t want to risk breaking the fragile moment. “Thank you” you whispered, your voice barely audible. “I don’t know what I’d do without you”.

His chest tightened at your words, a strange mix of warmth and sadness swelling within him. He wished he could tell you how much you meant to him, how he would do anything to make sure you never felt this way again. But the words got stuck in his throat, and instead, he settled for pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head, his lips lingering there for just a moment longer than necessary. “I’m always here”he said quietly, his voice filled with a sincerity that surprised even him. “No matter what” You didn’t say anything in response, but the way your body relaxed against his, the way your hand tightened around his, told him enough. The two of you sat in silence for a long time, the weight of the day slowly easing off your shoulders as you let yourself lean on him. Barty stayed there with you, his heart racing but steady, determined to be the calm you needed right now. For as long as you needed him, he would be there.

Eventually, you shifted slightly, lifting your head from his shoulder to meet his gaze. Your eyes were still red, but there was a softness there now, a vulnerability that made his breath catch. “I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you” you said quietly, a small, tired smile tugging at your lips. Barty felt his heart skip a beat, but he forced a smile in return, trying to keep his emotions in check. “I’m the lucky one” he said softly, and it wasn’t a lie. Every day he spent with you was a gift he didn’t feel he deserved.

For a moment, neither of you spoke. The air between you felt charged, like something unspoken hung in the balance. Barty’s eyes flickered to your lips, but he quickly looked away, cursing himself for thinking about that when you were upset. This wasn’t the time. But then, to his surprise, you reached out and gently cupped his face in your hands, your thumbs brushing softly against his cheekbones. His heart stopped as you leaned forward, your forehead resting against his, your breath warm against his skin. “Thank you” you whispered again, and this time, Barty couldn’t help himself. Without thinking, he closed the small gap between you, his lips brushing against yours in the softest, most tentative kiss. It was gentle, filled with the quiet promise of more, of everything that had been building between you for so long. When Barty pulled back, your eyes searched his, a quiet question lingering there.

“I-“ he started, but you beat him to his ramble and quickly pulled him back into your lips by wrapping your hand round the back of his head, hoping it would be enough to answer his questions.

-

Thank you for reading!

[violet-shadows]

Moving On (Part One)

⊱ Next Part ⊰

Masterlist

Summary: After loving Azriel in secret for years, you decide it’s time for you to move on. 

Pairing: Azriel x Reader (She/Her)

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: drugging with the implied intent to commit SA, attempted kidnapping

A/N: Thank you for your patience while I took some time away. Hope you like this one. And thank you to the anon who requested this!

⊱ —————— ❈  —————— ⊰

The phrase “with age comes wisdom” was true. You had long known better than to compare yourself to other females. The insecurities of youth faded as you came into your own and you learned to stop obsessing over minor flaws and shortcomings. You were a mature, adult female with no need to compare yourself to others’ appearances… except one.

It wasn’t Mor’s fault that she made you question yourself, but sometimes it was difficult not to resent her all the same. Mor was, as everyone knew, beautiful. But she was also magnetic, her ability to charm unmatched. You weren’t the only one that noticed her charisma and therein lay the problem. Azriel’s interest in Mor was his worst-kept secret. Only a fool would spend time around the pair without noticing the too-long glances and subtle blush on a certain shadowsinger’s cheeks. She had ensnared plenty of Fae in her gravitational pull over the years, but none so strongly as Azriel. It was ridiculous for it to irk you so much. Despite your friendship with the Shadowsinger, you had no claim on him and no reason to expect his affection. Still, when you thought of the way he pined after the blonde, and about all the ways you didn’t even compare to Mor, your heart ached. 

The idea of the truth coming to light was mortifying, though, and you knew you’d rather watch him chase after Mor forever than face his rejection. You buried your feelings for the Shadowsinger nearly as soon as you realized them, pushing them down so deep that not even your daemati High Lord would have hope of finding them. So, just as Azriel harbored his affections for Mor in secret, you hid yours, content to be nothing more than his friend if it meant keeping him in your life. You had made peace with the fact that Azriel would never be yours, accepted it, and moved on. Or at least… you thought you had. Then came Elain. 

You were the first to notice Azriel’s fixation with Mor begin to slip. First, his lingering stares became mere glances. Then, he stopped tensing up every time she walked by. The night she mentioned her most recent lover and Azriel didn’t so much as flinch, something like hope bloomed within you. You tried to stop yourself, reasoning that just because he was getting over Mor didn’t mean he was getting into you, but despite your best efforts, your affection for him was reignited once more. That flicker of hope made it all the more crushing when you realized that Azriel’s feelings had not faded, but transferred to another: Elain.

The High Lady’s sister was lovely, with light hair and warm brown eyes reminiscent of the female he had coveted for so many decades. Much like Mor, she was also impossible to hate. A childish part of you wanted to dislike her as if picking her apart might ease the ache within you. But as you got to know Elain, one thing became clear: Azriel had good taste. Even worse? It appeared she returned his affections in equal measure, despite being mated to someone else. You feared it was only a matter of time before the two would go from friends to lovers, and you were struggling to brace yourself for the fallout. 

It was the morning after Starfall when you finally made the decision. After watching Azriel and Elain dance around each other all night, trading warm glances and secret smiles, you knew it was foolish to continue pining. Azriel would never be yours, and it was high time for you to move on. So, the following morning you sought out Mor and made your announcement.

“I’m going to start courting,” you said, striding into the townhouse kitchen the next morning with your best attempt at a smile on your face. Mor nearly choked on her tea, her eyebrows shooting up to her hairline.

“What changed?” she asked, composing herself. She had been trying to convince you to start courting for years, insisting that the males of the Night Court would all but line up for a chance to fall at your feet. You had always brushed her off, too caught up in your feelings for Azriel and skeptical that the pool of suitors was as vast as she claimed. Now, with your heart set on getting over the shadowsinger, there was no one better to find you a distraction. 

“I just think it’s time,” you shrugged, pouring yourself a cup of tea. Mor narrowed her eyes, opening her mouth to argue, but stopped, as if thinking better of it. After studying you for a moment, she nodded, a mischievous smile creeping onto her beautiful face. 

“This is going to be so much fun.”

 ⊱ —————— ❈  —————— ⊰

You should have known that Mor would take to the task of finding you a suitor with militant efficiency, but it still surprised you when she announced she had set you up on not one but three dates in the twelve hours that elapsed between your conversation and dinner. It also shouldn’t have surprised you that she would be less than subtle about her task. But alas, you were caught off guard when she gleefully informed you of this development over dinner. Family dinner. In front of everyone. 

“I’ve got three dates lined up so far. First ones tomorrow so you should meet me in the afternoon so I can help you get ready,” she chattered. You were acutely aware of the hush that had fallen over the table. “I think you’re really going to like this guy.” Somewhere to your right, a fork clattered as if someone had dropped it, but you didn’t dare look. 

“Since when do you go on dates?” It was Cassian who broke the silence, and soon you were being inundated with a host of invasive questions from your family. 

“It’s just one date!” You shrugged, feeling your cheeks heat.

“Three dates,” Mor corrected.

“Again,” Cassian said, raising an eyebrow at you from across the table, “Since when do you date?”

“Since now,” You leveled a glare at him. Sure, you hadn’t dated much in the past, but that didn’t mean you never would. He opened his mouth to retort only to be cut off by a sharp jab to the ribs courtesy of Nesta. You shot her a grateful smile. 

“I think that’s wonderful,” Feyre interrupted. “You’ve worked so hard for so long, it’s about time you took some time to enjoy yourself.” You thanked her, no doubt still flushed 

“Whose the male?” Azriel, who had thus far been silent on the matter, startled you with the intensity of his tone. You turned to find him staring at you, his eyes burning with something you couldn’t quite place. 

“None of your business,” Mor replied sweetly, taking a sip of wine. 

“It is my business—” he growled, but you cut him off before he could finish the thought, suddenly indignant. He had no claim to you. He had done well to make that clear.

“It’s really not,” you cut in, trying and failing to keep the venom from your tone. Azriel’s mouth clamped shut and he gave a nod of acquiescence, a cold mask of indifference sliding into place. It made your insides churn with anxiety, but you tamped it down. He had spoiled your love life for long enough, you wouldn’t let him sour what should have been an exciting new experience. “I’ll let you know how it goes, though.”

Rhys cut in, swiftly changing the subject, much to your relief, but you couldn’t help but feel tense for the remainder of the meal. You glanced at Azriel every few minutes, your eyes drawn to his rigid form. Even though he was never much of a talker, his silence felt unusually heavy. By the time the meal finished, you were eager for a moment to yourself. You needed to recenter and remember why you were moving on. He wasn’t yours. He never would be.

You were leaning against the balcony railing when he appeared, clearing his throat to alert you of his presence. You tried to keep your posture relaxed as you turned to greet him, determined to act naturally. In all your years of friendship with Azriel, you never let your feelings impact your relationship. Now shouldn’t be any different, not when you were both pursuing romance with others. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to pry,” he said, his tone subdued. He joined you at the railing, drink in hand, and you raised an eyebrow. Out of all of you, Azriel was typically the least likely to imbibe. He shrugged at your unspoken question, brushing it off, and you resisted the urge to ask him about it. ‘It’s not my business if he drinks’, you reminded yourself. ‘Not mine.’ 

“It’s fine,” you replied, forcing yourself to relax, “I know you can’t help but stick your nose in things. Curious creatures, you spymasters.” He chuckled and you ignored the butterflies in your stomach, forcing yourself to look away from his handsome features and out towards the night sky glittering over the Sidra.

“What changed?” he asked after a quiet moment. You didn’t turn to look at him, though you could feel his eyes on your face. 

“Things are… peaceful,” you explained. “I figured it’s time to settle down.” 

“Since when do you want to settle down?” Azriel asked, incredulous. You turned to look at him, your eyes meeting molten gold, and for a split second, you contemplated telling him the truth. ‘I’ve never wanted to settle down with anyone… except for you.’

Instead, you swallowed thickly and averted your gaze, “Since now… I’m not a kid anymore, and I don’t want to end up alone.” The last bit slipped out before you could stop yourself and you winced. It sounded so vulnerable when said aloud. Pathetic even. 

“You’ll never be alone,” Azriel said quickly, leaning in slightly. “I would never let you end up alone.” You looked up, meeting his gaze, and your eyes burned with unshed tears. He didn’t mean it the way you wanted him to, and it made your heart ache all the more fiercely.

“I should go,” you murmured, looking down at the drink in your hand. “Thanks, Az.” You walked away then, afraid that if you stayed if you said anything but goodbye, the careful lie you had built up would crumble before your eyes. You needed to keep your feelings buried, now more than ever before, or you feared they might eat you alive.

“Y/N?” Mor intercepted you as you took your leave, her brow furrowed with concern. You swiped at your cheeks, only then realizing that the tears in your eyes had fallen. “You okay?” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you replied, flashing a fake smile. You didn’t give her a chance to question you further, nor did you look back when you felt another set of eyes burning into the back of your head. 

⊱ —————— ❈  —————— ⊰

“So? How did it go?” Mor met you back at the townhouse, bouncing on her feet with excitement. You had just returned from your third date of the week and you were starting to feel a bit guilty about your lack of enthusiasm. 

“He was… nice,” you replied, trying and failing to sound optimistic. Mor’s face fell and she sighed. 

“You hated him,” she surmised. 

“No!” You shook your head, desperately trying to come up with a diplomatic way to describe the male. It wasn’t that he was unpleasant, just… bland. “He was nice. And handsome. We just didn’t… click.” 

Mor groaned, “I’m sorry. I really thought this one might be it.” 

You shrugged, kicking off your heels and joining her next to the hearth. None of the dates had been bad, per se. They just weren’t right. They weren’t him. “Maybe it’s not the right time to date.”

“Nonsense,” Mor dismissed with a wave of her hand. “We just need a new strategy.”

“We?” You asked.

“Yes, we. We’re a team here,” she replied. “I’m taking my job as your matchmaker quite seriously.”

“Maybe matchmaking doesn’t work for me,” you mused. Mor furrowed her eyebrows as if deep in thought, then her expression brightened. 

“That’s it!” She exclaimed, jumping up from the sofa. “We just need to have you meet people organically.” 

“How?” you asked.

“Well, the first step is to get you out of this house,” she said, moving to fetch her bag and your coats. “You’re already dressed and the night is still young. We’re going to Rita’s.” You groaned, but before you could protest she was dragging you out the door. 

You had been to Rita’s more times than you could count, most often brought there by Mor and Cass when they were in the mood for a wild night. In fact, it was at Rita’s where your friendship with Azriel was originally forged. Like you, the shadowsinger found the glitz and glamour of the club to be a bit much, preferring to hang back in the shadows and observe, rather than take part in the chaos and revelry. Over the years, the two of you had developed a sense of comradery, sticking together in the booth while the others danced and drank the night away, content to sip wine and exchange witty commentary. When Azriel stopped going to Rita’s in favor of spending time with Elain or working late, you started to decline Mor’s invitations as well. It had been months since you last stepped foot in the building and years since you did it without Azriel at your side. As you walked the streets of Valeris with Mor, you had a feeling tonight was going to be very different than you were used to. 

⊱ —————— ❈  —————— ⊰

“Do you ever get tired of it?” you asked Mor, sipping on your third drink as you watched the latest male slink away from your table, his attempts at flirtation politely declined. You were used to Mor drawing a great deal of attention, but tonight it seemed that nearly every male in the city was either staring or attempting to charm their way into your booth. It was somewhat unnerving, being under such close scrutiny. 

“Tired of what?” Mor asked, raising one perfect eyebrow. 

“All the attention you get,” you shrugged, accidentally making eye contact with one of the males watching you from the bar. You blushed, looking down at your drink when he met your gaze with a wink. “I feel like we’re on stage.” 

“You think I’m the one drawing attention?” Mor snorted, shaking her head.

“What do you mean?” You asked, looking down at your outfit. Your dress was perhaps a bit more conservative than the regular club attire, chosen with a romantic date on the Sidra in mind. However, you assumed Mor would tell you if you looked terribly out of place. 

“They’re staring at you,” she explained. “I’m here all the time. You rarely come out, and this is their first chance to see you without your guard dog scaring them off.” 

“Guard dog?” 

“Why do you think males never approach you when we’re here?” she asked. You stared blankly, the alcohol muddling your mind enough to keep you from following. “Think about it. Every time you come here, one of the scariest males in all of Prythian is glued to your side and staring down anyone who breathes in your direction. Why else would you not get approached?” 

You blinked, mind reeling at the revelation. In truth, you had always assumed no one was interested in you, and with your attentions firmly fixed on Azriel, you hadn’t much minded. That was part of the reason you had never put much thought into dating: you didn’t imagine you had that many options. “I just didn’t think anyone was interested.”

“Y/N!” Mor scoffed, her jaw dropping. “That’s ridiculous. I doubt there's anyone in this room who isn’t interested.” You rolled your eyes, opening your mouth to dismiss her hyperbole when she caught sight of something over your shoulder and grinned. “See?” she whispered.

“Hello, ladies.” You turned to see the male from the bar approaching your table, a sly grin on his handsome face. He was tall, though not quite as tall as Azriel, with broad shoulders and sandy brown hair. He had an air of confidence about him that the others so far had lacked, and despite not being exactly what you wanted, he was undeniably attractive. “Can I get you two something to drink?” 

“I was actually just about to go dance,” Mor replied, standing up from the booth. “Keep my friend Y/N company, will you?” The male smiled and nodded, sliding into Mor’s seat before you could interject. Mor shot you a wink before slinking away, leaving you with the handsome stranger. 

“I’m Xavier,” he introduced himself, reaching out as if to shake your hand. When you provided your name, he surprised you by pressing a kiss to your knuckles, the way one might greet a princess. “I’ve seen you here before, but you’re usually with other… company. Are you waiting on them to arrive?” 

“Just Mor and I tonight,” you replied, spotting the last glimpse of your friend’s golden hair as she disappeared into the crowd. Knowing her, it would likely be the last you saw of her for the evening. Part of you wanted to call it a night and leave now that Mor was entertained, but another part, a more rebellious part, was interested in seeing where the night might go. 

“I suppose it’s my lucky night,” Xavier grinned, his eyes trailing up and down your body in a manner a bit too obvious to be polite. He flagged down a waitress then, ordering you both glasses of some fancy wine without consulting you first. It was a stark contrast to your typical experience with Azriel, who, despite memorizing your drink order long ago, always checked to make sure he got you exactly what you wanted. You shook the thought from your head as Xavier began to chatter, regaling you with tales of his travels that were no doubt meant to sound impressive. 

Although the male’s personality was somewhat grating, he relieved you of the burden of making conversation by talking incessantly, and you figured the illusion of company was preferable to sitting alone. Your mind wandered as he spoke, the bitter wine he had selected going down easier by the second glass, and when the waitress returned to fill your glass again, you realized quite a bit of time had slipped by. The crowd on the dancefloor had thinned, and the barbacks were beginning to wipe down empty tables, a sure sign closing time was approaching. You yawned, your limbs feeling heavy as you considered the walk home that was ahead of you. 

“I should go home,” you murmured, your head feeling fuzzier by the second. You hadn’t drunk an exorbitant amount, but the alcohol and late hour must have caught up with you, causing your eyelids to droop. When you tried to stand, the room spun so violently you nearly fell backward into the booth, grasping onto the now quiet Xavier for support. He made an off-color joke about handling your liquor, wrapping his arm around your waist to steady your swaying form. Your limbs felt numb and uncoordinated as if you had just emerged from an ice bath, and you had to cling to Xavier's side in order to exit out a side door of the club.

The cool night air was somewhat sobering, and you were able to orient yourself, turning to head in the direction of the townhouse. To your befuddlement, Xavier continued to herd you down a side street, away from your intended destination. Your garbled protests fell on deaf ears, with the male only tightening his hold on your waist, half dragging you forward through the quiet streets. A creeping feeling of dread began to penetrate your boozy haze, but you struggled to string together a coherent thought, let alone pull yourself free of his grasp. The alertness brought on by the cool breeze was fading, each step growing more difficult than the last. Soon, you were vaguely aware of Xavier slinging your arm around his shoulder, supporting most of your weight as you slumped into his side. “Take me home,” you managed to slur, your head lulling forward despite your best efforts to remain aware of your surroundings. 

Xavier didn’t bother with a response, continuing to lead you further into an unfamiliar part of the city. The numbness in your limbs worsened, and when your legs finally buckled, he swept you into a bridal carry. You pawed at his chest, trying to demand you be set down, but your arms wouldn’t obey and your tongue felt too large in your mouth. Instead, you groan incoherently, flailing weakly in his arms. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew you were in grave danger, but without the cooperation of your body, you were but a passive observer at the mercy of this stranger. Just as tears began to slip free and trail down your cheeks, a deep growl broke through the quiet. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” You knew that voice, though you couldn’t quite place it. Deep and smooth and full of fury, but comforting all the same. You relaxed slightly, your adrenaline-fueled grip on reality beginning to wane at the prospect of rescue. Xavier set you down, freeing one hand as he turned to face his challenger. You hung loose in his other arm, your eyes fluttering shut. 

“I’m just taking my girl home,” Xavier said, a nervous edge to his voice. His grip on your waist tightened to the point of pain, and for a moment, panic flared within you as you considered the possibility that your rescuer might be deceived. “She just drank too much.”

“That is not your girl,” another voice, equally as deep and familiar as the first, interjected. You trusted that voice too, though you still couldn’t put a name to either one. “And you’re not taking her home.” 

“Whatever, man,” Xavier sneered, moving to leave with you still tucked into his side. “Get your own, whor—” He wasn’t able to finish his insult, the vile word cut off by the sound of crunching bone. He was thrown back by some unseen force and you pitched forward as his hold on you disappeared. You braced yourself to hit the cobblestone face-first, but a strong pair of arms caught you mid-fall. The world spun around you as you were cradled against a warm, broad chest, their touch too gentle to be Xavier. The familiar smell of morning dew and cedar smoke washed over you like a soothing tonic and you relaxed into your rescuer’s arms. 

Azriel had come for you. 

⊱ —————— ❈  —————— ⊰

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[malleux]

performance anxiety.

-> lyney x fem!famous singer!reader

-> warnings: mentions of past bad relationship, anxiety, no use of y/n

-> words: 3.4k

[a/n]: this was not supposed to be this long but. not proofread, idk what universe this is in where all of these characters are friends but shut up. i just started writing, gun to my head i could not tell you what happens in this story

Applause. Roses. Adoration. Entertainment. 

You craved the effervescence of the spotlight. The thrill of being on stage. Millions of eyes are on you and you alone– coming together for the sole purpose of viewing you. 

It seemed a bit voyeuristic, but you couldn’t care less as the final notes of your song rang out across stages all over the country and applause replaced the roaring in your ears. People stood as they clapped, whooping and hollering. All for you. 

You stood before them night after night, baring the roughest edges of yourself on the stage for them all to judge. You were vulnerable to every attack possible– verbal, physical, emotional. Yet none occurred, save for the dozens of flowers that showered you every night as you completed a performance flawlessly once again. 

It was only after you made it backstage to your dressing room that you finally took a breath. A very shaky, very exhausted breath. Stagehands ran back and forth, putting up props and fixing light fixtures for someone else’s performance the next night, but they reassured you that nobody could possibly outshine you after you had christened the Opera Epiclese. 

Your first performance in Fontaine. In your hometown. 

“That was amazing!” Your manager burst through the door, a cup of water in her hands. She passes it to you. “One of your best performances yet– not that the others were bad! Quite the opposite, actually–”

“I get it. Thank you.” You chewed on your lip, gazing at yourself in the mirror. You looked frazzled up close with the stage makeup slightly smeared across your face. Not enough for the audience to notice, though. No, to them, you were perfection. “I hope they thought the same.”

“Are you kidding? You were amazing. I bet you made at least ten men think about leaving their wives for you tonight.” You cut your eyes at her, and she backtracked immediately. “I-I mean! Oh, that was such a bad analogy, wasn’t it? I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” 

It really wasn’t fine, but you weren’t going to make your friend-turned-manager feel any worse than she already does for bringing up the past. You weren’t married– Archons, no– but you lived a fast life that not many were equipped to handle, especially if they were staying home while you traveled Teyvat on a tour. 

Your ex couldn’t handle you and your lifestyle, so he handled others in bed instead. 

It didn’t sting as bad as you would have expected it to. You couldn’t take the time to grieve, not when there was a performance in Natlan the night you found out. Other performers and those who lived a more nomadic lifestyle had warned you about failed relationships and friendships with those who did not stay close or did not understand the busyness of traveling. You truly believed you were the exception, and now you realize that such relationships are impossible. You chose this life, thus giving up the idea of a simple love. Your friends were your manager and the crew that traveled with you, and that was that. You didn’t stay anywhere long enough to culminate true, meaningful connections with anyone. 

“Are you ready for the encore?” 

You swiped another layer of lipstick on and fluffed your hair in the mirror before turning back to your manager. 

“Born ready.” 

—---

Lyney sat on the edge of his seat for the past hour and a half and continues to do so, staring at the dark stage. 

His sister keeps a hand near his chair, just in case he somehow leans too far forward and falls out of it completely. She’ll never understand his infatuation with such a famous singer– it’s not like he had a shot with you anyway. Nevertheless, she made sure to surprise him with front-row tickets the minute she learned of your performance at Fontaine’s beloved Opera Epiclese. 

Lyney nearly cried in happiness and he’s nearly crying now, praying to every Archon above that you’re going to come out for an encore and that this isn’t the end of your show. The tears almost fall as the spotlight graces the stage once more and music fills the room. 

Everyone in Fontaine tried to get tickets for your performance and the most influential of citizens were sure to attend. Furina sat in the VIP box, leaning on her hand as she watched you step back onstage. She was quiet for once, enraptured by your voice. Clorinde was at her side. Neuvillette sat near the twins, seated but smiling. Charlotte and Navia were a bit further back, Charlotte furiously scribbling on her notepad to review the performance. She stopped writing halfway through, though, unable to stop herself from just enjoying the performance. Wriothesley and Sigewinne showed their faces from outside of the Fortress, the former succumbing to the latter’s pleas for tickets. Even Freminet was there, on the other side of Lyney, just happy to see his brother so happy. 

And yet there he was, sitting in the middle of the row, front and center. A perfect view. And there you were, in that jaw-dropping dress that sparkled perfectly in the lights, reflecting the same way the stars in the sky shined. Lyney was positive there were also stars in his eyes, but he couldn’t help it. 

And when the performance was over, Lyney finally sat back in his seat and exhaled a deep breath– one he had been holding since the minute you appeared onstage. 

Lynette looked him over as if to make sure he was okay and happy. She didn’t need any words to tell that he was over the moon. “Are you ready to go?”

“Just– just give me one minute.”

—---

“How long will you be in Fontaine?”

“Probably a week or two, at most.” You hummed, finally eating a snack left for you by the Hydro Archon herself. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been home. I’d like to stay a bit longer.” 

“Hmm,” Furina’s finger tapped her chin– a clear sign that she was thinking. About what, nobody could tell. “How about another performance before you leave? Many people didn’t get tickets to this first show. You’ve had so many supporters from here since you started. Why not give them a special thanks? Especially me, since I’ve supported you and been your friend for all these years?” 

You squinted at her for a moment, trying to decipher what she could be devising in her head. You weren’t a mind reader, and Furina didn’t necessarily all have it going on in her head, so you opted to just ask her outright. “What could you possibly gain from that?” 

She reeled back, feigning offense. “Nothing! It’s-it’s just that it’s great for business. And we’re having special visitors soon who may want to see. Totally not because I want to watch it again– heh.”

“What special visitors?”

“Why, the Traveler and Paimon, of course!” Furina clapped, “Yes, yes. They’d love to see your performance.”

“Hm.” You continued staring at her, unconvinced that the legendary Traveler wanted to see your performance. But, you did get to perform again and get a part of the profits. You didn’t see why not. “Fine.” 

The squeal that came out of Furina’s mouth was enough to almost break your glass of water– a feat many singers trained to do for years and could not accomplish. Yet, your friend was close to doing it without even trying out of sheer excitement. 

She grabbed your hand once you were done changing clothes and dragged you out of the dressing room. You had no choice but to follow as she led you into the main room, where the audience sat. It looked much different from before with the lights on and the chairs empty. 

Except for two chairs, three people still present in the opera house. 

At the sound of her voice, the three turned around. There was a pair of twins and a younger blonde boy. The twin boy made eye contact with you and seemed to shoot straight up, becoming entranced as he saw you. This was typically a normal reaction for fans, but there was one difference this time. 

You were entranced too. 

Furina looked at the three and huffed. “Isn’t it time for you to go home?”

“Sorry, Lady Furina,” The youngest boy spoke and motioned to the other boy, whose face was bright red. “Lyney just needed to sit for a minute.”

“Is he okay?” You tilted your head, gently shaking free of Furina and walking to them. Furina gasped and crossed her arms, almost angry that she didn’t have your attention anymore as your self-titled “best friend”. “Your face is hot.” 

The twin girl hid her mouth with her hand. “He’ll be okay eventually. I think he got overheated or something. Got all nauseous and dizzy.”

“Oh my Gods, I’m so sorry!” You felt awful– you had told someone that you felt the air was a bit too hot in the audience, but you were brushed off. This just proved that you were right. “You all come with me, there’s fresh water and everything in the guest house I’m staying in tonight.”

You ushered everyone out of Opera Epiclese and into the small building next to it. It was the guesthouse, built solely for performers without a place to stay as they traveled. You were given it for your time in Fontaine and couldn’t be more grateful, especially at a time like this when someone is in need. 

Lyney, Lynette, and Freminet– as you learned their names were– followed you and a pouting Furina into the house. You offered them all a seat on the couches and chairs before running to the kitchen and grabbing a bowl of cool water and a rag. You sat next to Lyney, who was silent the entire time, and neared his face as you put the rag on his forehead. You were a bit confused at Lynette and Furina’s snickering behind you, but you could only worry about the boy in front of you whose face turned even redder at your closeness. 

“Say,” Furina spoke up, “Lyney and Lynette here are performing at the Opera Epiclese tomorrow. Fancy a show?”

“Really?” You looked into Lyney’s eyes, “What do you do?”

He swallowed, and you wondered if he needed a glass of water. “Magic.”

“You’re magicians? No way!” You grinned, “I’ve always wanted to see a magic show live! Furina, I think we should go. I’d love to see more of these two.”

“I do too.” Lynette joined, “We can get you on the reservation list for front and center… unless you’d like to sit VIP with Furina?” 

“We’ll both sit front row. Neuvillette can have front row if he wishes to attend.” Furina grinned at Lynette, and you couldn’t help but feel like you were missing out of something as you cared for Lyney. 

“Wonderful.” Lynette stands up, followed by Freminet. “I think Lyney just needs rest now, but we don’t live far in the Court of Fontaine. We probably need to head out before it gets too late.” 

You nod and hold your hand out to Lyney, who takes a second of staring before taking your hand and hoisting himself up. You both definitely hold on a bit too long to be typical for someone you just met, but exceptions could always be made. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Lynette.” You glance back at the boy at your side. “Lyney.” 

“Y-yes.” He speaks. You like his voice. “Tomorrow evening. I’d love to see you there.” 

After the three left, Furina stayed on your couch and stared. 

You sat across from her, staring back with a puzzled expression. 

This was the longest you’d ever heard her be quiet and it was incredibly unnerving. You couldn’t take much more of this. 

“What?”

Another beat of silence. “What do you mean ‘what’?”

“What do you mean ‘what do you mean’? What did I do?”

“You’ve never done that before.”

“Done what, Furina? I don’t have time for this–”

“Gotten all flustered like that. You don’t even dote on me like that and I’m your best friend.”

“Lynette said that he got overheated during the performance.” You defended, “I had to help him, I felt bad. I told the crew that it was too hot in there but they didn’t listen–”

“You’re stupid.” Before you could retort in offense, Furina leaned forward. “You haven’t been that open and nice since…” 

You’re glad she doesn’t finish that sentence– doesn’t let his name leave her mouth. Furina is right and you know it, but you definitely don’t want to admit that. Especially not to her. 

“I just felt bad.” She doesn’t believe you and you know it. “Fur, you know I can’t. People can’t keep up with my life. He’s cute, but I’m better off alone.” 

Furina looks away for a moment as if to think about what she’s going to say next for the first time ever. “He’s different.” 

“You don’t know that.”

“First, I know him better than you do. I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with that crew, and I’m the Hydro Archon. I know everyone in Fontaine.” She twirls a finger around her hair– a telltale sign that she’s desperate for someone to listen to her. You want to oblige, but your mind won’t let you. “Lyney understands the life of a performer. Has he traveled? No. But I bet he’d be more than willing to travel with you as like– an opening act or something!” She snaps her fingers as if this is some sort of life-changing revelation. 

Your anxiety says otherwise. 

“What about Lynette and Freminet?”

“They can go with you!” She says as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. “Lynette is Lyney’s assistant, so she has to go. Freminet would be good with helping with finances or something. Or if you happen to drop your wedding ring in the ocean, he can get it.”

“Wedding ring?”

“Yeah, for when you marry–”

A knock on the door interrupts her and you’ve never been happier. You give each other confused looks before you get up and open the door a crack. Behind it is a face all-too-familiar, and you open it wider. 

“I-uh, forgot my hat here.” Lyney, cheeks still rosy, rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment. 

“O-oh, of course!” You stammer out, leaving him at the door and finding his hat in one of the other chairs. Furina stares him down in a way that makes him feel like he’s intruding on a very important conversation, but he tries to brush it off as one of her theatrics. 

Lyney’s smile returns when you appear again, his hat in your hands, and tries to ignore the jump of his heart as his fingers accidentally brush yours when he takes it. “Thank you so much.” You watch as his figure begins to retreat from the guesthouse, but he quickly turns around and waves. “And I do hope to see you tomorrow.”

—---

Lyney does, in fact, get to see you tomorrow. 

Peeking through the curtain, he sees you front and center, sitting in the same exact seat that he was in the night before. Furina is at your side, chatting with you happily and ignoring the questioning whispers of her citizens as they question why she’s on the floor instead of in her box. Their questions cease when they see you. 

A bit of jealousy hits him as he sees some citizens ask for your autograph or come up to talk to you, but he can’t dwell on it long before Lynette is behind him. 

“Is she here?”

“Yes.” He lets out a nervous breath. “Everything has to be perfect tonight.” 

“It will be.” She reassures, “And don’t worry about anything else. I have it all covered. She’s come to see you and you alone, so you just focus on being the best you can be.”

Lyney has never been more grateful for his sister than he is at that moment. Sure, it was one thing when she accepted his schoolgirl crush on a famous singer, but when she was actually here, at their show, watching him, she was the best wingman in Teyvat. 

He peeked out of the curtain once more, his breath catching in his throat when he sees you looking directly at him. You wave and send him a soft smile and Lyney can feel his entire body heat up. He’s determined and ready for this show to start. 

And with a short countdown, it does. 

In most performances, Lyney keeps his eyes above the crowd. It’s an illusion many performers learn– don’t look directly at anyone specifically, it’s easier to quell the anxiety of thousands of eyes being on you, judging your every move. He knows you do this tactic as well, getting to witness it firsthand last night as you wowed the crowd from the very stage he was on tonight. He wondered how he could possibly be equal to such a wonderful performance and his mind gets a bit louder as doubts start plaguing him. As quickly as they come, however, they disappear. 

Lyney looks at you. 

You’re dressed beautifully, hair and makeup done simply as if to bare the real you. Oh, how Lyney longs to know the real you. 

You think it’s a funny coincidence when the first rose comes to you. Just a chance that a draft happened to send it directly into your lap after Lyney throws it into the crowd. Same with the second rose, that he passed off to you personally as he walked by after doing his switch trick with the box. You realize it’s not just some happenstance when the performance ends and you are left with a bouquet of roses in your hands, your face hot as Furina teases you. 

“Rainbow roses have special meaning in Fontaine, you know.” She grinned. You swatted her away. 

“I know.” You huff, “He probably uses those in every show to make the little lucky audience girl feel special.”

Furina opens her mouth to speak, but a voice from behind speaks up before she can. “I normally use Romaritime Flowers, and only pull one out of my hat, but I thought tonight I could do something a little different.”

Lyney prays you aren’t uncomfortable when you turn around– the adrenaline of the show is the only thing driving him to speak to you steadily right now, and he didn’t know what he’d do if he got rejected. He’s pleasantly surprised when you do turn around and your mouth is slightly agape, your cheeks darker than usual. He did his job. 

“They’re beautiful. Thank you.”

“Keep them, they’re yours.” Lyney places his hands on yours to push them back when you go to give him back the bouquet, but he doesn’t remove them when you clutch the flowers to your chest. “This is my official offer– let me treat you to dinner.” 

You turn your head to give Furina a look, but she’s long gone. You make a note to curse her out later. 

“Lyney, I want to accept your offer. So badly. But I just know it won’t work.”

Seeing Lyney’s face fall almost makes you want to take it back, but you can’t. You can’t get hurt again. 

“Please,” His voice has gone soft, “How do you know that?”

“It’s happened before. I’m just protecting you. I’m going to be gone soon and you can forget about this little infatuation–”

“No!” Lyney blurts out but quickly composes himself. “You’re not protecting me, you’re protecting yourself. I’m not whatever man hurt you in the past. I’m a performer too, I can handle all the things that entails.” 

“Lyn… This is only my third country on my tour. I have so many more left, I’ll be gone for a very long time. It’s not fair to ask you to wait for me.”

“I think I get to decide what’s fair for me.” You don’t respond, looking away. Lyney takes your chin between his fingers to make you look at him. “And I think that me waiting for you is a fair trade if it means you come back to me in the end. Please, ma chérie. Consider it.” 

You took a breath, weighing the options as seriously as the Oratrice. You think back to your conversations– the ones with your manager, the ones with Furina. Finally, you meet his eyes fully. Lyney hasn’t looked away, a softness in his eyes that you were not expecting.

“Let’s go to dinner. I’ve been thinking of hiring an opening act for the rest of the tour anyways. How do you feel about that?”

[burplewrites]

saudade | tamarack & qiu

𓆉 | fandom: our life: now & forever

𓆉 | characters: tamarack, qiu, reader

𓆉 | word count: 1,075 words 5,946 characters

𓆉 | a/n: this story is sort of in qiu's pov, and about grief and stuff!! i don't think its too sad, just an experience but you have been warned!

𓆉 | quick summary: y/n passed. the world just needs to learn how to deal.

saudade is an emotional state of melancholic or profoundly nostalgic longing for a beloved yet absent something or someone.

“and you two are gonna grow up someday and i’m gonna grow up too, but that’s never gonna stop us from being the same age. cool.” that’s what they said, eight years ago, when they first met y/n and tamarack for the first time after the duo waltzed their way into their life.

ever since that fateful day, the three were friends, best friends. even with the little break of their friendship from ‘personal problems and moody feelings’ as y/n used to say, y/n brought them together again and reminded them why they were friends in the first place.

their friendship only got better from then on, and they committed to bettering themselves and each other, talking about problems, and about random thoughts that entered their minds. at least, that’s what qiu thought. he thought that they all told each other everything, all their stupid secrets, random thoughts in the middle of the night, things that would be considered too much information for other people. so why didn’t y/n tell them, not tamarack or him, anything about what they were going through? why didn’t they say anything at all?

they never expressed pain, or acted like they were suffering at all. they were always smiling, expressing their positive emotions with not a care in the world. qiu loved them for that. they had been crushing on each other for a while, qiu knew that, y/n knew that, and even tamarack, who had to watch the whole thing unfold in front of her, knew that. they just never got together, and now they would never get the chance to.

it was only a year ago when their life changed. when tamarack yelled in the middle of the night, alarming everyone out of their drowsy state, y/n was having trouble breathing, and was trying to get upstairs to their mother's room without disturbing their best friends on the couch. their limbs started giving out, making them fall to the floor. that whole night was a blur for qiu and tamarack alike. watching their best friend’s mom trying to help y/n take some breaths as they all cried, seeing the tiredness in y/n’s eyes, like they’ve been fighting this for years and was finally starting to give up, and opal’s sobs as she begged her only child to keep trying, to keep breathing. tamarack clutched hard onto qiu that day, the shock causing her to freeze up.

hearing their best friend's last words, being so weak, so quiet, yet so genuine. it was like y/n trying to fully get everything out like they knew this would be the end.

"hey its okay, you're okay… you're okay. i love you guys so much, more than you'll ever know."

that's what they whispered, as the paramedics took them away. a smile never left their face, even with the ventilator on their face and the paramedics checking their vitals on the way out the door. they died on the way to the hospital. even to the end, they were caring for others.

opal changed as a person after that. having to bury your only child, someone who you watched grow up, someone who you experienced their good days and bad days, and was just expected to keep moving. but that was impossible, how could she? her world stopped that day but everyone kept moving, the world kept spinning at the same speed it always did, no faster, no slower.

but y/n was gone.

tamarack put her whole being into her cello practice since y/n always seemed to like it when she played for them. she even played a song she wrote at the funeral; a song that was supposed to be for her best friend. one that they were somewhat writing together. she still tried being normal, helping opal with whatever she needed, but never trying to pressure her. it was tamarack's form of escape. if she could be in the house that y/n was in, surrounded by all the things that made them, them… that would be enough. it had to be enough. qiu simply regressed into themself. it was like they were back to when they were fourteen. they stayed outside sitting by their ‘hideout’; hiding away from the world. tamarack tried to stay with him some days, when qiu wanted the company and couldn’t deal with being alone without someone to talk to, someone who understood, but other times it was too overwhelming and they preferred to be alone.

life changed. golden grove moved on, and people found other things to talk about, but sometimes things brought them back to that day one year ago.

especially today, the one-year anniversary of y/n’s death. three hundred and sixty-five days without them. it was early morning, around five am, and qiu biked to the cemetery to just be with them alone. they knew tamarack would be coming in the morning after she woke up, and opal would be coming in the afternoon, so this was the best option. plus they couldn’t sleep.

qiu never knew they could cry that much. every time they came to visit, to talk about something exciting that happened, or something weird, or anything really, they would end up breaking into sobs each time, gasping for air by the time their tears ran out.

‘why did you even have to come into my life if you were going to leave it partway?’

that was a question that they asked themselves multiple times and always felt bad for thinking about it after. they knew tamarack felt the same. tamarack was the first of the two to mention that thought out loud.

but it was true, wasn’t it? they never regretted having y/n in their life. everyone's life shone so much brighter with them there, like the sun on a summer day, but with the sun gone it gets darker. the sun always comes back, but y/n wouldn't. y/n was dead. they were gone, and they were going to stay gone.

no matter how much opal begged, how much they all hoped and dreamt, y/n was not coming back. they were never coming back. they had been gone for the last three hundred sixty-five days, they would be gone for the next year, and the years after that. and nothing could change that.

so as qiu sat there, laying by their grave while talking about everything and anything, all they could really do was hope y/n was there and listening.

[httpsdana]

100-"I can't. I don't want to get hurt again." Please for Xavi 😭

Taking The Risk~Xavi Simons

*Pictures are from Pinterest*

enjoy <3

request from here

master list -> part 2

players/drivers i write for

100-"I can't. I don't want to get hurt again."

y/n had been friends with Xavi for a while, a friendship that was easy and natural at first. They’d laugh at each other’s jokes, spend hours talking about nothing and everything, and it was always fun. But somewhere along the way, the lines blurred. The way his hand would brush against hers, or how his eyes lingered on her a little longer, made her heart race. It terrified her. She could feel herself getting too close, letting her guard down in a way she hadn’t done in a long time.

It was happening again—the slow, inevitable fall.

It had been a while since she allowed herself to feel something for anyone, and now that it was happening, all she wanted to do was run. She knew what it was like to be hurt, to give herself over to someone only to have her heart shattered. It wasn’t something she was ready to experience again.

So, she began to pull away. She stopped replying to his messages as quickly, cancelled plans with vague excuses, and when she did see him, the air was heavy with the weight of the distance between you. Xavi noticed it. He always noticed everything when it came to her.

It wasn’t long before he called her out on it. One evening, after she canceled meeting up again, he showed up at her door, concern etched in his features.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” His voice was softer than she expected, but there was an edge to it, a hurt he was trying to hide.

y/n hesitated, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Nothing’s wrong, Xavi. I’ve just been... busy.” she said, her voice low and weak

He frowned, not buying it for a second. “Busy? Or avoiding me?” he questioned

She took a deep breath, trying to keep her walls intact. But the weight of his gaze made it impossible to lie any further. He deserved the truth, even if it scared her to admit it. “I just... I can’t.” she whispered

His brows furrowed, confusion clouding his expression. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t let myself get close to you. I just-I can't. I don't want to get hurt again” The words tumbled out before she could stop them, raw and vulnerable. She didn’t dare look at him, instead staring at the ground like it could somehow swallow the awkwardness.

He was silent for a moment, and she could feel him processing her words. Then, softly, he asked, “Who hurt you?”

y/n bit her lip, the memories of past heartbreaks flashing through her mind. The betrayal, the lies, the emptiness it left her with.

“It doesn’t matter who. I just... I can’t go through that again, Xavi. I don’t want to get hurt. Not by you.” she said, playing with her fingers to avoid his eyes

He stepped closer, his voice low and steady. “I would never hurt you. You know that, right?” he said softly

She finally met his eyes, and the sincerity there made her chest tighten. “You say that now. But what happens when things get hard? When it’s not easy anymore?” she asked, the vulnerability evident in her voice

Xavi shook his head, his gaze never leaving hers. “I’m not saying things will always be easy. But I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

She wanted to believe him. She wanted to trust the promise in his words, but the fear was too strong, the scars too deep. “I don’t know if I can take that risk.” she shook her head

He took another step closer, so close now that she could feel the warmth of his presence, the steady calmness that was uniquely him.

“I like you, Y/N. I’ve liked you for a while now. And I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell you. But I need you to meet me halfway. I need you to believe me when I say that I’m not like them.” he confessed, sounding genuine and sincere

Her breath hitched at his words, her heart pounding in her chest. She had never allowed herself to even think about him feeling the same way. But now, hearing him say it, hearing the quiet plea in his voice, it stirred something inside her.

“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered, the fear still lingering.

He shook his head, his eyes softening. “You won’t lose me. You’ll never lose me.”

The vulnerability in his voice, in the way he looked at her, was her undoing. Slowly, she let herself soften, let the fear that had gripped her so tightly begin to loosen. She wanted to believe him, and maybe that was enough for now.

“I’m scared,” she admitted, voice barely above a whisper.

“I know,” he replied gently. “And that’s okay. But I’m scared too. Scared of losing you before we even have a chance.”

y/n felt a tear slip down her cheek, quickly brushing it away, but Xavi was faster, his hand reaching out to gently wipe it away. The touch was soft, delicate, and it sent a warmth through her chest that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Just... give us a chance,” he said softly. “We don’t have to rush. But don’t shut me out. Please.”

She stared at him, heart pounding, every part of her torn between running and staying. But then she realized that maybe, just maybe, Xavi was worth the risk.

With a deep breath, she nodded. “Okay.”

The relief that washed over his face was immediate. He stepped even closer, wrapping his arms around her in a hug that felt like home. For the first time in a long time, she allowed herself to lean into it, to let the walls she’d built around her heart crumble just a little.

They didn’t know what the future held, but in that moment, with Xavi holding her close, she decided to take the risk.

[lissasmemes]

                                         𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬

       from taylor swift’s 2022 album midnights.   feel free to change pronouns as needed!

001. lavender haze

“meet me at midnight.” “you don’t ever say too much.” “you don’t really read into my melancholia.” “i’ve been under scrutinty.” “you handle it beautifully.” “all this shit is new to me.” “i’m damned if i do.” “i’m damned if i do give a damn what people say.” “they keep asking me if i’m gonna be your bride.” “the only kinda girl they see is a one night or a wife.” “they’re bringing up my history.” “you weren’t even listening.” “get it off your chest.” “get it off my desk.”

002. maroon

“we were cleaning incense off your vinyl shelf.” “we lost track of time again.” “you were my closest friend.” “how’d we end up on the floor, anyway?” “i chose you.” “ain’t that the way shit always ends?” “i feel you, no matter what.” “i lost you.”

003. anti-hero

“i have this thing.” “i get older but just never wiser.” “all the people i’ve ghosted stand there in the room.” “i wake up screaming from dreaming.” “you got tired of my scheming.” “it’s me, i’m the problem.” “it must be exhausting.” “i’m a monster on the hill.” “one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving.” “i have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money.” “she thinks i left them in the will.” “she’s laughing up at us from hell.” “everybody agrees.”

004. snow on the beach

“i saw flecks of what could’ve been lights.” “it might just have been you.” “life is emotionally abusive.” “time can’t stop me quite like you did.” “my flight was awful, thanks for asking.” “tonight feels impossible.” “to hide that would be so dishonest.”

005. you’re on your own kid

“summer went away.” “he’s gonna notice me.” “it’s okay, we’re the best of friends.” “i hear it in your voice.” “i waited ages to see you there.” “you never cared.” “you’re on your own, kid.” “i gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this.” “the jokes weren’t funny.” “i took the money.” “make the friendship bracelets.” “you’ve got no reason to be afraid.” “you can face this.”

006.  midnight rain

“he wanted it comfortable.” “i wanted that pain.” “it was paradise.” “i broke his heart cause he was nice.” “he was sunshine.” “i guess, sometimes we all get just what we wanted.” “he never thinks of me.”

007.  question...?

“i remember.” “i swear that it was something.” “one thing after another.” “fucking situations, circumstances, and miscommunications.” “i just may like some explanations.” “can i ask you a question?” “what did you do?” “did you leave her house in the middle of the night?” “oh...” “did you wish you’d put up more of a fight?” “do you wish you could still touch her?” “it’s just a question.” “you’re not sure, and i don’t know.”

008.  vigilante shit

“you did some bad things.” “i’m the worst of them.” “sometimes i wonder which one will be your last lie.” “they say looks can kill, and i might try.” “lately i’ve been dressing for revenge.” “i don’t start shit but i can tell you how it ends.” “don’t get sad, get even.” “she needed cold hard proof, so i gave her some.” “she looks so pretty.” “the lady simply had enough.”

009.  bejewled

“i think i’ve been a little too kind.” “putting someone first only works when you’re in their top five.” “by the way, i’m going out tonight.” “when i walk in the room i can still make the whole place shimmer.” “they ask ‘do you have a man?’“ “i don’t remember.” “i polish up real nice.” “i think i’ve been too good of a girl.” “i think it’s time to teach some lessons.” “i miss you.” “i miss you but i miss sparklin.” “some guy said my aura’s moonstone.” “you can try to change my mind.” “what’s a girl gonna do?”

010.  labyrinth

“it only hurts this much right now.” “breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out.” “i’ll be getting over you my whole life.” “you know how scared i am of elevators.” “it can’t last.” “uh oh.” “uh oh, i’m falling in love.” “oh no.” “oh no, i’m falling in love again.” “oh.” “oh, i’m falling in love.” “you know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back.”

011.  karma

“you’re talking shit for the hell of it.” “you’re terrified to look down.” “you wouldn’t know what i mean.” “karma’s a relaxing thought.” “i’m still here.”

012.  sweet nothing

“i spy with my little tired eye.” “we almost forgot it.” “they said the end is coming.” “everyone’s up to something.” “i find myself running home to your sweet nothings.” “you’re in the kitchen humming.” “this happens all the time.” “you should be doing more.” “i’m just too soft for all of it.”

013.  mastermind

“once upon a time...” “you and i ended up in the same room at the same time.” “i couldn’t lose.” “what if i told you none of it was accidental?” “the first night that you saw me nothing was gonna stop me.” “nothing was gonna stop me.” “what if i told you i’m a mastermind?” “no one wanted to play with me as a little kid.” “i’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since.” “this is the first time i’ve felt the need to confess.” “‘cause i care.” “i told you none of it was accidental.” “you knew the entire time.”

[renaultphile]

The Surrendered Sword: The Chapter 14 showdown

For me, the ‘break-up’ confrontation is an absolute tour de force, worthy of Greek tragedy.  I am fascinated by the status games in The Charioteer, so I wanted to try to work through the last part of the book through the lens of the power struggle that seems to obsess Laurie.  I'll post this in three parts as it is somewhat long....

Part One - battle lines are drawn

The illusion of suspense

Even as he enters the room, Laurie is desperate to signal to Ralph what his answer will be, but he finds it impossible.  He doesn’t want to keep Ralph in suspense.  But Ralph looks at his face and invites him to sit down and they have their moment together.  How likely is it that Ralph hasn’t realised immediately what Laurie’s answer was going to be?  He practically says it to Laurie. 

The opening salvo

It’s easy to forget that we never learn what Laurie says after this.  Ralph’s voice dominates and he means business - "Don't be silly, Spud. I know you love me, and so do you."/"Don't waste time, Spud. It's childish to start an argument about whether we love each other, the moment I go and sit on the other side of the room.”   Laurie is firmly in the head-boy’s study.   Ralph moves on to Alec’s party:   “You surely don’t think I went there for the conversation did you?” and then he uses the old ‘disciplinary trick’ of waiting ‘as if he expecting a reply’.  This feels like the ground Ralph is most comfortable on.  But it falls flat because it’s so clear that Laurie went to the party to see him and ignored several opportunities to run away.

I’m not romantic

Ralph changes tack completely and starts to open up, whilst using the most practical, unemotional language he can - ‘I suppose’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘One can’t be sure’. The reader knows better, and so does Laurie.  With that word ‘settle’ he drops his first hint of wanting more than friendship.  Thank you to those people who helped me realise that none of this is meant to make sense!  All we need to know is that Ralph says more than he means to, it registers on Laurie’s face, and he shuts down.  And now we know what a deep reserve of feeling is there, and how determined Ralph is not to show it. 

Can’t win on a foul

This is the point at which he decides that Ralph will respect him less if he weakens.  At the very moment when he glimpses Ralph’s vulnerability he is thinking that he must stand up to him.  Which might sound contradictory, but makes sense if we think that it is Ralph’s pride he is protecting at all costs.  I wonder if this is what he thinks of as ‘winning on a foul’, the way Ralph put Bunny down so ruthlessly, and the real message is that it’s Laurie who can’t respect someone who lowers his status, rather than the other way round.

Relax, Spuddy

Then Ralph shifts to more comfortable territory, Laurie, "Relax, Spuddy. Don't be so tense” And that line, which seems to be said completely out of context, “I like you the way you are, Spud; why would I want to make you less yourself? I'm not attracted to people I can push around." 

Tactical retreat and ‘reasonableness’

Laurie disagrees, and Ralph appears to make a tactical retreat.  But I notice that he says “You’re about to make a decision”, completely ignoring the fact that Laurie is there to tell him the decision he has already made.  And this is where we realise that we really have no clue what Laurie has actually managed to say at all so far.  We only know he intended to turn Ralph down before he got up the stairs.  And Ralph resorts to ‘putting the facts’ for Laurie to consider.

Click here for part two……. and here for part three

[dawnlibrary]

Two in one, Chloe Liese edition

If Only You (Bergman Brothers #6)

Summary:

Ziggy I’m the youngest player on the National Soccer team, the baby of my family, and thoroughly sick of being underestimated, so I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. Which is where my brother’s best friend and teammate, the infamous Sebastian Marchand, comes in.  Seb needs to rehab his reputation. I want to give mine an edge. So I propose a fake friendship with real benefits: spending time in the public eye, my good-girl image and his bad-boy notoriety rubbing off on each other. He’s my devious, dark-haired fantasy come to life, but his destructive ways make it easy to keep him in the (fake) friend zone. Or so I thought, until I start to see the heart of gold he’s been hiding beneath that sinister surface… Sebastian Like any self-respecting reprobate, I’ve been spiraling downward, and finally I’ve hit rock bottom. My hockey career and sponsorships are in jeopardy, and while I’m not ready to actually reform my ways, I’m happy to pretend that I have, to secure the life I’m on the brink of losing.  So when my best friend’s sister, Ziggy Bergman, proposes a public “friendship” to revamp our reputations, it’s an offer I can’t refuse. Up till now, I’ve stayed away from Ren’s sweet, shy little sister to avoid any risk of ruining my one good friendship. But I reassure myself there’s no risk in our scheme. I’ll fake a friendship with Ziggy, fix my reputation, and get back to hockey, the one and only thing I love. At least, it was, until what began as a transactional arrangement became the most loving relationship I’ve ever known. ​ If Only You is a brother’s best friend, (fake) friends with benefits to friends to lovers romance about a bighearted, quietly fierce soccer star on the autism spectrum, and a thoroughly unprincipled, almost irredeemable hockey player who has celiac disease. Complete with an absurd level of mutual pining, meddling family and friends, and a spicy slow burn, this standalone is the sixth in a series of novels about a Swedish-American family of five brothers, two sisters, and their wild adventures as they each find happily ever after.

It was lovely to read someone finding confidence in who they are and being loud about it.

***

Everything for You (Bergman Brothers #5)

Summary:

Gavin We’ve been teammates for two years, but it feels like a lifetime that Oliver Bergman’s been on my last nerve. A demanding captain and veteran player, I’m feared and friendless, while he’s the beloved rising star, all sunshine smiles and upbeat team spirit. To make matters worse, he’s obscenely attractive. In short: he’s genetically designed to get under my skin. Avoiding Oliver has been my survival tactic on and off the field. But when Coach drops the bomb that we’re now co-captains, avoiding him becomes impossible, and keeping the truth from him–let alone my distance–is harder than ever. Oliver Life was great until soccer legend Gavin Hayes joined the team and proved he’s nothing like the guy I grew up idolizing. Instead, he’s a giant–albeit gorgeous–grump who lives to rain on my parade. I’ve sworn off pranks since entering the public eye, so rather than settle our differences the Bergman way, I’ve had to settle for killing Gavin with kindness. There’s just one problem: killing him with kindness is killing me. To make matters worse, Coach gives us an ultimatum: put an end to our enmity or say goodbye to being captains. I’m prepared to be miserable while we meet her demands and make nice, but the last thing I expect is to discover an explosive attraction we can’t help but act on, and worse yet, to realize the man hiding beneath Gavin’s gruff exterior is all I’ve ever wanted. ​ Everything for You is a grumpy-sunshine, enemies-to-lovers, age gap sports romance about an upbeat rising soccer star with anxiety and his curmudgeonly veteran teammate who lives with chronic pain. Complete with nosy senior citizens, nosier siblings, and a meddling coach, this standalone slow burn is the fifth in a series of novels about a Swedish-American family of five brothers, two sisters, and their wild adventures as they each find happily ever after.

Oh, Gavin made me angry several times, but over all I enjoyed this one.

~

Yes, I read book 6 before book 1... and then went backwards and read book 5, again, before book 1... things happen.

It seemed like I was in a sports romance roll for a few days because I read a few of those and then stumbled upon these ones and I enjoyed them.

[crystalelemental]

“books-are-my-life-stuff: I haven't even read Alola VA part 2! But it's hard to bring myself to read it. Hoenn VA gave Zinnia an important role and established her dynamic with Steven post Delta Episode, so that's at least good. Unova I think is still kinda cool too for focusing on Hugh and N's friendship. But I agree, I feel like Johto VA is the last objectively good VA story-wise. The rest of the VAs are either good to okay to "don't care", at least for me.

Unova was the last VA that I read immediately after release, starting from Kalos I just don't care. Maybe because of my general indifference towards the region, but even when I do read it, it doesn't do much to make me like it. I'll give Alola VA a credit for making Hau got his moments and approval from his grandpa, but other than that...yeah, I'm finding difficulties in bringing myself to read it.”

I think in my case, the issue is the later we go, the most the antagonists skew to lost potential rather than good or bad.  Like, Maxie and Archie I can look at and just go, these two are morons, do not take anything seriously.  Cyrus and Ghetsis I can look at and go these were really cool I hope they keep that up.  And they can, because they just continue to do what they’ve been doing, kinda.  Cyrus is toned down and Ghetsis basically defanged once everyone knows his deal, but they’re still something.  But as soon as you hit Lysandre, it’s suddenly man, I hope they do something different.  But they can’t.  They’re constrained by what the series is going to push.  And for Lusamine, that’s extremely devastating, because USUM Lusamine does not do it for me in her current iteration where they refuse to let her be interesting as a former antagonist.  So I can even say I know what I truly expected here, because what would’ve satisfied me was impossible, and it’s kinda the same for Rose, who I cannot image being adjusted to actually matter and have an interesting view.  So I’m kinda just over the VA and ready for the next thing, which hopefully will happen shortly after fourth anniversary.  Galar should be set for August just before. 

“I did say that Alola characters are great as a group, but not great individually, and this problem really shows, especially now that only some of them got alts and are separated from their group that they usually hang out with, they have to do something individually, and it...doesn't do much. I tried, but I can't. At least Hau is still great because he's one of the rivals, but the trial captains aren't.”

Yeah, I can’t even say they did anything as a group in the main games that hooked me, so seeing them here on their own hasn’t exactly been that exciting.  Like, at one point, I did kinda like Acerola as like the weird ghost girl.  And I find myself actively losing interest in her when she’s not like...playing off Nanu.  She’s a lot more bland without that dynamic.

“I doubt this will change even after I read part 2 of Alola VA, but my VA rankings so far: Johto > Kanto >> Unova > Hoenn >> Kalos > Sinnoh >> Alola.  I'm not holding out hope for Galar. Better keep my expectation on the ground or I'll be disappointed.”

I think for me, it’s probably Johto, Kanto, Kalos, Unova, Sinnoh, Hoenn, Alola.  Kalos ranks high because they let Lysandre ice those dudes.  Unova is fine but doesn’t really captivate me, and had what I consider the worst spread of new alts.  Sinnoh outranks Hoenn and Alola for me, because Hoenn and Alola were the most nothing events.  Borderline nothing was accomplished.  I’ll put Hoenn above Alola because it had some stuff with Zinnia and Steven’s dynamic, and because of how bad Alola was, but I think the real issue is I specifically should not be putting Kanto anywhere near the top.  But so long as Giovanni is the focus for the whole region, it gets to be good, because the story is focused.  It knows what it’s doing and it gets it done, because there’s nothing extraneous they’re trying to tie in, like other non-Kanto characters.  And that really sucks, because it’s just self-fulfilling prophecy at that point.  Oh, everyone likes Giovanni so much now?  Probably because he’s the only antagonist you let goddamned do anything.  If literally anyone else actually got spotlight to be the villain, he’d lose, because Giovanni is inherently boring an uninteresting, being just some mob boss guy interested in power and money compared to the absolute lunatics in the rest of the teams.

[cloudlessly-light]

The greatest thing that I have achieved  4/10

Chapter title: I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down   Summary: After Haley’s death, Aaron isn’t sure how to move on from the grief. Then one night, months later he finds himself falling into bed with Emily, his best friend, and that changes everything. Rating: Explicit Word Count: 2.3k Warnings for this chapter: Grief, pregnancy, morning sickness, fluff

Hiding the pregnancy was harder than she had expected, her morning nausea being one of the worst of her symptoms. Keeping a straight face as Dave walked in smelling of the cigar he had smoked or Spencer’s take out was bordering on impossible and she made careful excuses to disappear into the bathroom to empty her stomach of whatever she had managed to eat that morning. JJ and Aaron helped her, covered for her when she was gone for a little too long or couldn’t quite hide the disgust on her face and for that she was grateful.

The first few days had been awkward between them, but as they both got used to the idea of a baby, the easier it became. Aaron had also been a pillar of support. He showed up with crackers and ginger ale, kept track of what she ate and as much as she hated that he was fussing, she couldn’t deny that she liked that he was getting as excited about her pregnancy as she was.

She had always knew that he would be supportive, but there was a change after their first ultrasound, the blip of their baby not even eight weeks old on a screen making Aaron smile, the type of smile she hadn’t seen since before Haley.

“It looks like a peanut.” He said he stared at the screen.

“You’re right, hi Peanut.” Emily smiled at the awed look on his face. When he turned to look down at her and his thumb gently brushed away the tear on her cheek that she hadn’t realized had fallen she leans into his touch.

“Peanut, it’s a good nickname.” He says, dark eyes so soft she feels like she could get lost in them.

They both knew that things were bound to change between them, their friendship only deepening as they experienced this thing together. It was confusing, Emily knew that whatever feelings she’d had for Aaron before Haley’s death, before she had forced them aside to be there for her friend, was hard to contain and now only more confusing as her body was overthrown by hormones.

But she didn’t want them to mess this up, their situation already strange, and adding feelings into that mess was not something she wanted to do. So she forced it away, blames her hormones for even thinking the way she did. Things were already complicated enough.

“I’m talking to Jack tonight.” He tells her quietly one day as they’re packing up at the precinct they had spent the last few days in.

“About…?” She looks down at her stomach and he nods.

“We’re nearing the eleventh week mark. I think he deserves to know before anybody else.” He packs up a few files and stacks them up before putting them in a box to collect dust.

“You’re right.” She had been more worried about Jack than anybody else. She knew that the news of her being pregnant would be a shock to all of them, something no one would expect. But adults were different, they would get over it at some point, but a five year old was a different story. Jack was still grieving Haley, and as much as Emily and Aaron both wanted him to be happy about this, they knew the possibility that he wouldn’t be was a realistic one. It would be another massive change in his life, something else he had to get used to. “How do you think he’ll take it?”

“I honestly don’t know.” His eyes move from her still flat stomach to her face, a gentle smile on his lips. “I think he’ll need some time, and I hope that he’ll be excited.”

Emily smiled back and resisted the urge to put her hand on her stomach, a habit that had built over the last few weeks when she was away from the team.

“I hope so too.”

“If you need anything tonight you’ll call right?” He asks as they put the last of the papers away.

“Yes Aaron, but I think I’ll be alright for one night.” She resists the urge to roll her eyes. “It’s almost like I’ve been taking care of myself for the last 30 something years of my life.”

“Sorry, you’re right.” He chuckles at her but the sound quiets down as the familiar look of nausea appears on her face. He spots the source of the smell as a police officer walks past them with a sandwich. “Go, I’ll hold of the team.”

She nods her thanks before hurrying towards the back of the station where the bathrooms were, just barely making it in time before she heaves into the bowl.

“You’re just determined to out us, aren’t you Peanut?”

 *

 Aaron waited until after dinner to sit down with Jack, the young boy frowned as his dad faced him with an expression he wasn’t used to anymore.

“I need to talk to you about something, buddy.”

“What is it daddy?” He fell back against the back of the couch as Aaron sat sideways to be able to watch him.

“Jack, you know aunt Emily?” Aaron wasn’t sure how to explain to his son that didn’t even know how babies were made that he would become a big brother. He had thought about it for days, knew that it would be easier to keep things simple to try and not confuse Jack.

“Yeah?” He smiled at the thought of Emily, ever since his mom died Emily had been around more, checking in on him in a way that felt safe.

“Well, she’s going to have a baby.” He took a moment, a breath to calm himself before continuing. “And it’s going to be your little brother or sister.” He watched as Jack’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“How?” He watched his dad curiously, trying to figure out what he was told.

“Well, daddy and Emily made a baby, so it will be your sibling.”

“Mommy once told me that babies were made when two people loved each other.” Jack’s head tilted to the side, something that Haley had done when she wasn’t sure what was going on and Aaron smiled at the similarity. “Do you love Emily?”

“She’s my friend, so yes.” Aaron answered honestly, but he knew that it didn’t clear things up for his son. “Buddy, sometimes things happen that I can’t fully explain to you right now. But in about six months, there will be a baby. You’ll be a big brother.” He pulled Jack into his lap. “I know this is confusing, but you can ask me or Emily as much as you need to.”

“Okay.” Jack nodded in agreement. It was silent for a little while as Aaron let his son ponder the situation for a moment. “I’ve always wanted to be a big brother.”

It’s not what he’s expecting to hear, but it made him smile and relief flooded through him as Jack looked up at him. He pulled him into a hug, felt Jack’s small arms wrap around his neck tightly. When he pulled back Aaron kissed his forehead gently.

“Do you have any questions now?”

“Just one,” Jack said as he climbed back onto the couch. “Where do babies come from? Really?”

 *

 “I’m nervous.” He admits as he sits beside Emily in the waiting room. Emily turns to face him, a strain on her own face. He wasn’t sure why he was more nervous this time than he had been at the first ultrasound, maybe because it still hadn’t felt completely real then.

“I am too.” She chuckles as she looks down at her stomach, still flat but she had noticed changes to her body. His warm, dry hand grasps hers and she squeezes it, finding relief in his silence comfort. “I just want everything to be okay.” She breathes just as a nurse walks out.

“Emily Prentiss?”

They get up quickly, follows the woman into another room where Emily takes a seat on the gurney. They wait in tense silence for a couple of minutes before the door opens and Emily’s doctor walks in.

“How are we doing today?” She smiles, immediately recognizing the tense looks on their faces.

“All right.” Emily says as Aaron stays quiet.

The doctor asks about her morning sickness, how she’s adapting to the hormones and changes in her body and Emily answers everything under the watchful eye of Aaron. She knew that if she had dialed down her symptoms that he would jump right in and correct her.

“Okay, let’s see your baby shall we?” The doctor finally says as she pulls the ultrasound machine forward. She waits as Emily lies back and Aaron takes her hand in his after she’s pulled her shirt up.

Emily gasps as the cold gel hits her skin. She’s sure she’s holding her breath, nerves frazzled as she feels the probe on her stomach. It’s a couple of seconds of silence and then the sound of their baby’s heartbeat sounds through the room and she lets out a stifled sob as her eyes find the screen.

“There it is.” She watches as Aaron and Emily zone in on the blurry picture.

“Hi baby.” Emily laughs, her hand clutching Aaron’s harder. “Look Aaron.”

“Our baby.” He breathes, a grin on his own face before he kisses her forehead gently. He doesn’t give the gesture much thought before his eyes are back on the screen and then falls to the doctor who smiles knowingly at them. “Does things look good?”

“Everything looks perfect for twelve weeks.” She reassures them as she moves the probe around.

“Is that the baby’s hand?” He asks as they watch and Emily laughs loudly when she sees that he’s seeing.

“Is the baby flipping us off?” She continues to laugh, hears Aaron chuckle beside her.

“Clearly, Peanut is already taking after you.” She hits his chest but the smile doesn’t leave her face.

 *

 Telling the team is not as smooth as telling Jack. It’s loud and emotional as Penelope celebrates after the initial shock while Derek looks between them like they’re both insane.

“Are you together?”

“No.”

“What does this mean for the team?”

“We haven’t figured everything out.”

“How did this happen?”

“We had a little too much to drink.”

“Does that mean that one of you will leave?”

“Neither of us want that.”

“Does Strauss know?”

“Not yet, only Jack and JJ know so far.”

“JJ knows?!”

“She does and she kept quiet because that’s what we wanted.”

“How could you keep this a secret”?

“We decided it was what was best.”

“Are you raising it together?”

“Yes.”

“But you’re not together?”

“No.”

“Will you live together?”

“We’ve talked about it.”

“How do you expect that to work? Living together and having a baby but not being together?”

“I agree, guys it sounds like a bad idea.”

“It’s not your decision.”

“Do you know what you’re having?”

“Not yet.”

The questions were endless but they had expected nothing else and by the end of the night Emily was physically and emotionally exhausted. Her hand lands on her stomach as she sits back in her chair. She feels the bump now, still hidden under her clothes but big enough for her to need new pants and she can’t help but to smile.

“I forgot to say something.” Derek’s voice sounds behind her. She turns slowly towards him, he had been the one who had reacted the strongest and she felt weary as he approached her. Aaron and Emily had spent the last hour defending their decision and she didn’t have any more fight in her.

“What’s that?” She asks quietly. She didn’t want to fight him, didn’t want to defend herself more than she already had since they broke the news.

“Congratulations.”

It took her a second but as she watched his smile, soft and careful, she knew that no matter what, no matter if the team understood their decision or not, she’d have her friends at her side.

 Haley,

I can’t believe that we’re closing in on one year. One year without you, 365 days of you being gone. I hope you’re doing good up there. That you’re singing along to Janis Joplin and dancing with Kurt Cobain. I know you’re watching over us, that you never stray too far from Jack. He’s doing okay, he has his ups and downs but he’s okay.

I’m doing okay too. I saw my child on the ultrasound and I remembered the first time we saw Jack and I even if the situations are completely different, the feeling is the same. Emily think’s it’s a girl, she says she just “knows”. She’s has been strong, it’s been hard on her, the pregnancy. I’ve tried to do what I can to help but she’s stubborn, something I feel like the baby will inherit.

Jack is confused, he doesn’t fully understand it all. But he likes Emily and he said that he’s always wanted a sibling, so I think he’s handling it the best way he can.

I���m happy, I can’t wait until the baby is born. But there’s still a lot to figure out, Emily mentioned transferring out of the unit but I don’t want that. We’re meant to talk to Strauss in the coming weeks, I don’t know how that will go but Emily is a force and somehow I have a feeling that it’ll work out.

I know I have no business asking you for any favors, Haley, but please give Jack some of that light of yours. I think he needs it.

I love you and I miss you – Aaron

[malboraslihan]

midnights starters 🕰️✨🌌 (part 1)

just a heads up: i’ve changed some words to make them work as dialogue for starters. so if it’s different than the original lyric, that’s why.

lavender haze

meet me at midnight

i'm damned if i do give a damn what people say

you don't really read into my melancholia

all they keep asking me is if i'm gonna be your bride

they're bringing up my history but you weren't even listening

the only kinda girl they see is a one-night or a wife

maroon

how'd we end up on the floor anyway?

and i chose you

how the hell did we lose sight of us again?

sobbing with your head in your hands ain't that the way shit always ends

i feel you, no matter what

and i lost you

i wake with your memory over me

snow on the beach 

time can't stop me quite like you did

you wanting me tonight, feels impossible

this scene feels like what I once saw on a screen

it's fine to fake it till you make it

i can't speak, afraid to jinx it

can this be a real thing, can it?

you’re on your own, kid

summer went away still the yearning stays

it's okay, we're the best of friends anyway

i didn't choose this town, i dream of getting out

there's just one who could make me stay all my days

you're on your own, kid

i gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this

like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss

i saw something they can't take away

there were pages turned with the bridges burned

make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it

midnight rain 

you wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain

you wanted a bride, i was making my own name

chasing that fame, he stayed the same, all of me changed

i broke his heart 'cause he was nice /  i broke your heart 'cause you were nice

all the love we unravel and the life I gave away

i guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted

he never thinks of me except when I'm on TV / you never think of me except when I'm on TV

i never think of him except on midnights like this / i never think of you except on midnights like this

question...?

we had one thing going on, i swear that it was something

i don't remember who I was before you

did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room?

did you leave her house in the middle of the night?

did you wish you'd put up more of a fight? 

do you wish you could still touch her?

she was on your mind with some dickhead guy / i was on your mind with some dickhead guy 

does it feel like everything's just like second best after that meteor strike?

vigilante shit 

you did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them

sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie

lately I've been dressing for revenge

she had the envelope, where you think she got it from?

picture me thick as thieves with your ex-wife

ladies know what people want

someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

bejeweled

baby love, I think I've been a little too kind

didn't notice you walking all over my peace of mind

putting someone first only works when you're in their top five

by the way I'm going out tonight

and when I meet the band, they ask, "do you have a man?" i could still say, "I don't remember"

i made you my world, have you heard?

i miss you but I miss sparkling

you can try to change my mind, but you might have to wait in line

labyrinth

it only hurts this much right now

i'll be getting over you my whole life

oh no, I'm falling in love again

i thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it right around?

you would break your back to make me break a smile

you know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back, just like that

[dying4urlove]

nobody ever teaches you how to navigate a relationship after you’ve confessed and it turns out to be an unrequited feeling. in books and movies and shows, they always show you that the happy couple ends up together after some trials and tribulations. in the more popular instances where feelings aren’t shared between two parties, it always ends gloomily. with death. with the feeling that your life is over because your feelings aren’t being reciprocated.

i reject those two as the only options in love, in part because there’s so many beautiful people and relationships we could miss out on if we continue to think, “this can only go this way or that way.” i think it is possible to keep on loving others even when they disappoint your desires and expectations for them.

you have to consider how important this person is to you, how much (whether) you truly care for them. it is a difficult journey, nearly impossible at times, but it’s worth the effort if you want this person in your life and if they feel the same abt you. it involves honesty, communication, boundary-setting, and most importantly, love.

i’m not an expert on love or anything. everything i’ve written comes from my heart and my own experiences from both sides. i wrote down some things i think are important for navigating a relationship post-confession. this list isn’t done because everyone’s relationship is different and certain things might need to be added and i still have to experience more of these situations for myself, but the actions i’ve listed are non-negotiables for me in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Guide to Navigating Unrequited Feelings

🫀 ask yourself if you like the person because you thought they’d reciprocate the feelings or because they fit a fantasy you have in your head or because you like them because of who they are. really think about this. write about it, sit with the feelings that arise. be gentle with yourself and other person. the most important step is to re-examine who/what that person is to you.

🫀 be honest and forgiving (releasing expectations) about your feelings. don’t push them down, but try not to indulge in anything that is unhealthy for you or the other person. take breaks from each other as necessary.

🫀 set boundaries (on both sides). talk about what are some dos and donts for your relationship going forward. [e.g. no flirty talk (alert the other person when they are doing it), no talking about other romantic prospects until y’all are in a place where that conversation isn’t uncomfortable for all parties involved, etc.] reinforce and remind each other of your boundaries. write them down if need be.

🫀 (this goes for all relationships, but especially this type) remind the other person that you still care about them at a fundamental level. speak their love language in the same way you would with other friendships. don’t be afraid to show love, care, tenderness, and appreciation for the other.

🫀 accept the fact that although you may not want to have to leave the relationship, it may be necessary if you cannot find a way to maintain a healthy relationship within the context of the unrequited feelings.

again, this list is a work-in-progress, but i hope it could be helpful for others and myself. it’s so hard to be vulnerable, to be courageous, to reach out even when you’ve been rejected because it’s so easy to do the opposite actions (to remain cold-hearted, alone, and fearful of what may come and to freeze the other person out). we shouldn’t force relationships, but i believe we’re all too quick to give them up when we experience something difficult within our relationships. we forget all about the love and care and affection we had (have) for someone when they disappoint us and i think that’s unfair to us and to our loved ones.