#like losing him was blue like I’ve never known??? missing him was dark gray all alone????

[here-comes-the-moose]

What I Think Each Member of the Bad Batch’s Favorite Taylor Swift Album(s) Would Be (Plus Bonus Phee and Bonus Fives)

Hunter- Taylor Swift

Wrecker- Tie between 1989 and Fearless

Tech- Red for “All Too Well” alone (he’s very into lyrics and their meanings; also enjoys Folklore and Evermore)

Crosshair- Reputation (he’s also a really big fan of Red and Lover, but Reputation has a special place in his heart; he’s a huge Swiftie though so he likes all of them)

Omega- Speak Now (Reputation is a very close second because Crosshair likes it so much)

Echo- Folklore (followed very closely by Midnights and TTPD)

Phee- Tie between Red and Evermore

Fives- Midnights

[teeteepeedee]

red being referenced in daylight, a song about how the way she used to see love completely changed, and now she’s singing in before you’re losing me as if what was different completely collapsed and she was left with pieces that hurt her just as much as her past relationships and that’s not even touching “losing him was blue like i’ve never known, missing him was dark gray all alone”

[ohdorothea]

Reading of Red (the song) as if the colour red is representing comphet

I’ve had this post in my head for ages but I was inspired to finally write it up today by @12amys

Also when I initially posted this interpretation so long ago I think it was @sapphicscience who really solidified it in my mind by pointing out the link between this interpretation and the lyrics from Daylight ‘I once believed love would be / Burnin' red / But it's golden’ (also in this vein I’d like to present ‘You're my Achilles heel / This is the golden age / Of something good and right and real’)

I have a whole bunch of analysis about RED as an album from this pov and other songs but today I’m just going to focus on little Red

And before anyone shouts at me I’m not saying this is how Taylor wrote this song I’m saying it’s a way I’m interpreting it, the death of the author ect ect

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street - loving him/being in a heterosexual relationship, is something the writers knows she ‘should’ want, covet (like a fancy expensive sports car), something exciting and new, but once she has the thing she thought she wanted she can’t do anything with it, can’t go anywhere with it (there is a consistent motif of streets in her work that I really think fits in with this reading)

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly - she momentarily feels the same passion as she does when she is ‘sinning’ (being queer) but that feeling is over so quickly

Loving him is like trying to change your mind /Once you're already flying through the free fall - loving him IS her trying to change her own mind, trying to change how she thinks and feels about love (in a queer way) which feels like a free fall, but she’s still trying to hold on to the ‘before’ (comphet)

Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all - the colours are so bright (like the colours of a rainbow) before she loses everything she has to this relationship of pretending and loses that colour from her life (would also like to tie in the black and white/screaming colours motif to this line)

Losing him was blue, like I'd never known / Missing him was dark gray, all alone - losing the comfort of comphet/thinking of yourself as straight in a homophobic world can be truly depressing and isolating, especially if you community or family is homophobic. Perhaps the writer is even using being sad about the ‘breakup’ as a cover (for herself or for others) for the way she is struggling (because culturally a woman being upset over a break up is much more acceptable than the complicated feelings about queerness)

Forgetting him was like trying to know / Somebody you never met - it’s impossible to forget the experiences she’s had within this relationship (the experiences that have forced her to confront her queerness) but she keeps on trying, like people do think they know someone they’ve never met even though it’s not real

But loving him was red - (in this interpretation I am reading this as a very straightforward ‘loving him was me attempting to be a heterosexual person/attempting to deny my queerness’

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted / Was right there in front of you - as a ‘straight’ woman you are taught to want some idealised man, and now here he is in front of the writer, everything she thought she ever wanted, but she doesn’t want it once it’s a reality

Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words / To your old favorite song - falling into a straight relationship comes to her easily as she’s known that type of pretending her whole life, since childhood even. But the use of ‘old favourite’ rather than ‘favourite’ makes me think of a song you loved as a kid or a teen, that still makes you feel nostalgic for that time when you hear it on the radio, but your tastes have changed and grown and it’s just not the kind of music you want to hear all the time anymore

Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword / And realizing there's no right answer - there is no answer to the puzzle of comphet because she is not heterosexual! She can’t solve her own desires

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out / That love could be that strong - I think there’s a few ways these lines could be interpreted within this reading however my person favourite is that she wishes she hadn’t ever tried to pretend to have a heterosexual relationship because now she knows how good it felt to be seen in that positive light within her homophobic surroundings.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes / Tell myself it's time now gotta let go / But moving on from him is impossible / When I still see it all in my head / In burning red - she wants to let go of the comphet, accept herself as a queer person, but she can’t let go of the burning desire to be accepted

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

So yeah that’s my interpretation that I’m really enjoying at the moment, hopefully gonna write up some of the other analysis within this framework because I find it super interesting

[hjinnie]

enhypen as taylor swift songs (angst ver.)

enhypen x gn!reader! fluff/angst! masterlist

✩ heeseung!

right where you left me ─ "did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it. she's still 23 inside her fantasy, and you're sitting in front of me, at the restaurant, when I was still the one you want. cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right, i could feel the mascara run, you told me that you met someone, glass shattered on the white cloth, everybody moved on."

✩ jay!

the 1 ─ "i guess you never know, and if you wanted me you really should've showed. and if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow." "we were something, don't you think so? roaring twenties tossing pennies in the pool. and if my wishes came true, it would've been you." "i persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? we were something, don't you think so? rosé flowing with your chosen family. and it would've been sweet, if it could've been me."

✩ jake!

the other side of the door ─ "i said, "leave", but all i really want is you to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles, screaming, "i'm in love with you", wait there in the pourin' rain, come back for more. and don't you leave, 'cause i know all i need is on the other side of the door. with your face and the beautiful eyes, and the conversation with the little white lies, and the faded picture of a beautiful night, you carry me from your car up the stairs, and i broke down cryin', was she worth this mess? after everything and that little black dress. after everything, i must confess i need you."

✩ sunghoon!

mr. perfectly fine ─ “mr. perfect face, mr. here to stay, mr. looked me in the eye and told me you would never go away. everything was right! mr. i’ve been waiting for you all my life, mr. every single day until the end, i will be by your side! but that was when i got to know mr. change of heart, mr. leaves me all alone.. i fall apart. it takes EVERYTHING in me just to get up each day, but it's wonderful to see that you're okay! hello! mr. perfectly fine! how’s your heart after breaking mine? mr. always at the right place at the right time, baby. hello! mr. casually cruel, mr. everything revolves around you, i’ve been miss misery since your goodbye and you're mr. perfectly fine.”

✩ sunoo!

back to december ─ "so this is me swallowin' my pride, standin' in front of you sayin' i'm sorry for that night, and i go back to december all the time. it turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you, wishin' i'd realized what i had when you were mine, id go back to december, turn around and make it alright... i go back to december all the time" "your sweet smile, so good to me so right. and how you held me in your arms that september night, the first time you ever saw me cry."

✩ jungwon!

red ─ "losing him was blue like i'd never known, missing him was dark gray, all alone, forgetting him was like trynna know somebody's you never met, but loving him was red." "touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song. fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer. regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong."

✩ niki!

out of the woods ─ "we were built to fall apart, and fall back together. your necklace hanging from my neck, the night we couldn't quite forget when we decided to move the furniture so we could dance, baby like we stood a chance." "remember when you hit the brakes too soon? twenty stitches in a hospital room. when you started crying, baby, i did too, but when the sun came up i was looking at you. remember when we couldn't take the heat? i walked out, i said "i'm setting you free", but the monsters turned out to be just trees, when the sun came up, you were looking at me."

[imaginespazzi]

Hello love!! Sorry i’ve been mia for a minute. I’ve had a lot going on but I finally got the chance to read part two of the UCLA fic and wow. I truly loved it i’ve said it so many times but you leave me in awe with your writing. I know you hear this alot but you can never said it enough from me! I really like the way you convey their emotions and how I can almost feel it. Also love the inclusion of how close the Fudds are with Paige. I’m glad she finally realized how much she affected Azzi and not just herself. And Caroline!! I feel as though she kinda helped knocked some sense into her even though she knew Paige was wrong she also knew Paige needed Azzi just as much as Azzi needed her. I will say I’m glad Azzi told paige off on what she did and what she was going through. I’m also glad that she did have someone other than her teammates to help her through it even if it’s not Paige. And I can’t wait for that date to become a reality. Im pretty sure im missing something else and once I remember I will let you know what. But I’ve had some song recs that have just been stuck in my head that I personally feel for them I would like to share!

Red-Taylor swift

“Losing him was blue, like I'd never known

Missing him was dark gray, all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know

Somebody you never met

But loving him was red”

These are the lyrics I personally feel for them best but the whole song does as well. I also feel they fit paige more so azzi in the sense she believes she lost azzi more than azzi lost her. But it is truly two sided it really does fit both.

I miss you , I’m sorry - Gracie abrams

“You said, "Forever, " and I almost bought it

I miss fightin' in your old apartment

Breakin' dishes when you're disappointed

I still love you, I promise

Nothin' happened in the way I wanted

Every corner of this house is haunted

And I know you said that we're not talkin'

But I miss you, I'm sorry”

Now this one I definitely feel it’s more azzi over paige. Especially when it says “nothing happened in the way I wanted” ain’t definitely conveys azzis emotions in what happened. But once again I definitely feel the whole song displays her emotions.

Marvins room- Drake

“The women that I would try

Is happy with a good guy

But I've been drinking so much”

and

“I'm just saying you could do better

Tell me have you heard that lately?

I'm just saying you could do better

And I'll start hatin' only if you make me”

Now I feel like I don’t need to say this makes me think of paige because the lyrics just suit her in part two. I really thought of this song when paige drunk called azzi. I didn’t include the lyric but “ And since you picked up ,I know he's not around” Makes me think of the part when she asks if zoe is there.

But I just realized how much I really yap. I have a lot more to say but I definitely don’t want to annoy you. Thank you for listening love and sorry for not reaching out or anything!

Bye love have a good day or night!💕

(🌴 anon)

Hi babes, so happy you're back <3 Listen you really and truly could not annoy me like I love long asks and I read them with the biggest smile on my face.

And thank you bestie, it means the world truly and I'll never get tired of saying how much it means that y'all like my writing and that it makes everything worth it. 🫶🏾

Poor Paige like I feel like I'm always putting my favorite blondie through hell in this fic (it doesn't really get better next chapter-) but she needed to hear a lot of those things and Azzi needed to say them. And Carol, doesn't matter what universe, girlie pop is gonna get stuck having to deal with Paige and Azzi's dumbasses every time. 😭

Y'all keep saying that but will I let the date become a reality? *insert evil angst writer laugh here* (jk jk jk....except?)

I LOVE THESE SONG RECS. The first two were already on my playlists but I have to add the 3rd on. Also I love that you said Red because the "losing him was blue" line really fits with the title and also the "remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes" verse is very apt for Azzi in the fic. I love when y'alls minds are tethered to mine!

[randomramblingsandwritings]

burning red

Song- Red by Taylor Swift Source Material- The First to DIe At The End by Adam SIlvera

I jog along a path in Althea Park, my feet crunching through fallen leaves. I needed to get out for a bit, since I couldn’t stop thinking about Valentino. And he would’ve wanted me to go on a run, so here I am. (Even though my lungs are dying. Send help.)

I know it’s been years now. And I’ve been getting better. But some days, all I think about is him. His smile that could light up the whole city, his infectious laugh, everything about him. I miss him so bad.

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

I know I should never have fallen. He got the call. We all knew what would happen. And I should never have fallen. It was so stupid of me. But I like to think it was worth it. Was it worth it?

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly

It was only a day. But that day changed my life. 

Loving him is like trying to change your mind

Once you're already flying through the free fall

Even though I knew what would happen, I let myself fall in love anyway. It was doomed from the start, and we both knew it. 

Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all

Val was an amazing person. A soul of neon in a sea of pastels. A dreamer despite the harshness and unforgiving of the world. It’s been three years now since I met him, but I’m still yet to find anyone like him.

Losing him was blue, like I'd never known

I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Missing him was dark gray, all alone

I miss you, Valentino.

Forgetting him was like trying to know

Somebody you never met

How could I ever forget Val?

But loving him was red

Loving him was red

I loved Valentino Prince, and I still do.

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted

Was right there in front of you

If only we’d had more moments together like that day in the brownstone…

Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words

To your old favorite song

I only knew him for a day, so why did it feel like a lifetime?

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out

That love could be that strong

Do I regret it all? No. Not at all. I can’t help but wonder, were we always written in the stars like this, destined to end in tragedy? Like characters in a book, incapable of escaping the horrible ending the author wrote for them?

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes

So many memories.

Tell myself it's time now gotta let go

It’s been three years. I can’t live like this forever. But I can’t forget him.

But moving on from him is impossible

I promise, Val, I’ll never forget you.

When I still see it all in my head

My memories of him have faded with time. I can’t let him slip away. I have to clutch at anything left of him, even if what I recall of him is tearing at the seams and being unraveled, bit by bit. 

In burning red

I’ve never felt anything like what Valentino made me feel.

Burning, it was red

Everything reminds me of him. I miss him so much.

Oh, losing him was blue, like I'd never known

It hurts not having him here.

Missing him was dark gray, all alone

This isn’t fair.

Forgetting him was like trying to know

Somebody you never met

I love you, Valentino.

'Cause loving him was red

Yeah, yeah, red

Burning red

You ignited the fire within me. The flame of my life. Thank you, for everything.

And that's why he's spinning 'round in my head

I need to live.

Comes back to me, burning red

Because of you, my heart has kept beating. And as long as my heart has kept beating, I’ve been alive. But now I need to live, truly. It’s what you would’ve wanted.

Yeah, yeah

Here’s to living.

His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

For him.

[raayllum]

RAYLLUM AS TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS → in somewhat chronological relationship order

i. And all I've seen since eighteen hours ago / is green eyes and freckles and your smile in the back of my mind making me feel like I just wanna know you better ii. Said, "I'm fine, " but it wasn't true, I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you iii. Twenty questions, we tell the truth, you've been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too iv. You two are dancing in a snow globe, 'round and 'round, and he keeps the picture of you in his office downtown, and you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars vi. You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess, it’s a love story, baby just say yes vii. Like I want you, bless my soul, and I ain’t gotta tell him, I think he knows viii. But this love is brave and wild, and I never saw you coming, and I’ll be the same ix. Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you x. All those times that you didn't leave, it's been occurring to me, I'd like to hang out with you for my whole life xi. I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost, the room is on fire, invisible smoke, and all of my heroes die all alone, help me hold on to you xii. Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother, is it enough? But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west, I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best, but the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me xiii. I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending xiv. Should’ve known I’d be the first to leave, think about the place where you first saw me xv. Your heart was glass, I dropped it xvi. And they're all standing around me singing, "Happy birthday to you,” but there was one thing missing, and that was the moment I knew xvii. And it would've been sweet, if it could've been me, in my defense, I have none for digging up the grave another time, but it would've been fun if you would've been the one xviii. But if you ever think you got it wrong, I’m right there where you left me xix. And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do xx. You think I'm gonna hate you now 'cause you still don't know what I never said I wish you would come back, wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that I'd never forget you as long as I'd live xxi. You and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time but I never thought I'd live to see it break, it's getting dark and it's all too quiet and I can't trust anything now xxii. In dreams I meet you in warm conversation, we both wake in lonely beds in different cities xxiii. I'm not much for dancing but for you I did, because I love your handshake, meeting my father, I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets, how you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something there's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions xxiv. Say you’ll see me again, even if it’s just pretend, in your wildest dreams xxv. Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand, paper cut stings from our paper thin plans xxvi. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand and I can't breathe without you, but I have to xxvii. Losing him was blue like I'd never known, missing him was dark gray all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met xxviii. There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles, same old tired, lonely place xxix. And maybe I don't quite know what to say, but I'm here in your doorway; I just wanted you to know that this is me trying xxx. Right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again xxxi. Your guard is up and I know why because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind, you gave me roses and I left them there to die xxxii. The more I think about it now, the less I know, all I know is that you drove us off the road, stay, hey, all you had to do was stay xxxiii. I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud, now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking, and I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me? xxxiv. And if this is the long haul how'd we get here so soon? Did I close my fist around something delicate? Did I shatter you? xxxv. And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends, I'd never walk Cornelia Street again xxxvi. And you know damn well for you, I would ruin myself a million little times xxxvii. And when we go crashing down, we come back every time ‘cause we never go out of style xxxviii. There's an ache in you put there by the ache in me but if it's all the same to you, it's the same to me xxxix. I wish I could fly, I'd pick you up and we'd go back in time xl. I knew you, tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy, I-I knew you leaving like a father, running like water xli. For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind xlii. Hey, it's all me, in my head, I'm the one who burned us down xliii. Missing me at the golden gates they once held the keys to, when I dropped my sword I threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door xliv. And then you say I want you for worse or for better, I would wait for ever and ever, broke your heart, I'll put it back together xlv. Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons, one single thread of gold tied me to you xlvi. These hands had to let it go free, and this love came back to me xlvii. My baby's fly like a jet stream, high above the whole scene, loves me like I'm brand new xlviii. I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this, uh huh, that's right, darling, you're the one I want xlvix. I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you, I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you l. I had a feeling so peculiar, this pain wouldn't be for evermore li. Darling, you're my, my, my, my lover

[britswriting]

Unbroken (18)

*Leighton's POV*

I was currently sitting in my car, but I wasn't the one driving it. "You better be careful with my baby Colby"

"We'll be just fine" He grinned at me and I shook my head.

Usually whenever I was with them, Sam drove, but Sam was going to go pick up Kat, Xepher and Griffin, whilst I was trapped in the car with Colby and Nate. Plus I needed my car to get home, so here we are.

We were currently driving to get someone named Brennen.

"So who's all going?" I asked Colby who was stopped at a red light.

"Um, You, Me, Nate, Brennen, Sam, Kat, Xepher, Griffin, Aryia, Cassie, Devyn, Corey, Sarah" Colby listed but stopped and my eyes were wide, staring at him in the rear view mirror.

"Jesus Christ" I exhaled and he laughed.

"I know some people invited their own people" Colby said and I thought I was going to pass out.

There's going to be so many people I don't know there.

My social anxiety is going to be the death of me.

"AND YOU WOULDN'T LET ME BRING MY OWN?!" I shouted and he laughed really hard.

"You brought me!" He grinned and I glared.

"You literally didn't invite me, so technically, you brought me"

"Well I picked a good plus one" He said and I felt my cheeks get a little warm.

"Then why are we picking up your best friend?" I asked and Nate laughed.

"She's got you there Colby" Nate said, surprising me since he usually didn't enter Colby and I's bickering.

Colby had propped a camera up on his dashboard with some sort of car tripod, and I just realized it was recording.

"Why are you filming?" I asked, setting my phone down.

"I got to film some stuff for Explore Club" He said, pulling into a gas station.

"Explore what?"

"It's something Sam and I do. We put up exclusive content there. You'll see Sam and I recording random stuff all week"

Nate and I started talking about what we thought was in store for this week whilst Colby filled up my gas tank for me.

I opened my car door, making him jump as I handed him my card. "It's okay, I'm driving, I got it" He said, not taking my card.

"It's my car, let me pay for it" I kept it handed out and he shook my head.

"Consider it me paying you back for letting me drive" He said, and slid his card in

"So how long have you known Colby?" I asked, figuring if we were going to be left alone, and I wanted to try and get with him, I had to start somewhere.

"We grew up together. I've known him a long time" Nate grinned, seeming to be reminiscing on something.

"So you, Colby, Sam, and Jake grew up together?" I asked and he nodded

Nate told some childhood stories about growing up with them, until Colby got back into the car.

"What are you guys talking about?" Colby asked, starting the engine back up.

"I was telling Leighton about how we grew up together" Nate said and Colby nodded.

~

"ROMEO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE WE CAN BE ALONE I'LL BE WAITING ALL THERE'S LEFT TO DO IS RUN! YOU'LL BE THE PRINCE AND I'LL BE THE PRINCESS" I sang loudly.

"IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES!" Nate and I finished together

"You get the next line Colby!" Nate said and he shook his head, laughing.

"C'mon Colby! Don't be a loser!" I laughed and he rolled his eyes.

"SO I SNEAK OUT OF THE GARDEN TO SEE YOU!" I sang

"We keep quiet, cause we're dead if they knew" He sang back and I grinned, happy he chose to play along.

"So close your eyes" Nate sang back

"Escape this town for a little while oh, oh!" I sang back.

"CAUSE YOU WERE ROMEO, I WAS A SCARLET LETTER AND MY DADDY SAID STAY AWAY FROM JULIET BUT YOU WERE EVERYTHING TO ME, I WAS BEGGING YOU PLEASE DON'T GO" Nate and I yelled, ignoring Colby.

~

"Losing him was blue like I'd never known! Missing him was dark gray all alone! Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met! But loving him was red!" Nate and I sang, annoying Colby whilst we drove to Brennen's

"Someone tell me why you two are belting Taylor Swift" Colby asked and I grinned.

"Because you're driving my car, so I got the AUX, plus, you secretly love it!" I smirked and he rolled his eyes, but I saw the tiny smile in the mirror.

"Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes! Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go!" Nate and I kept singing and Nate looked towards Colby.

"But moving on from him is impossible" Colby muttered and Nate hollered "Yeah Colby!"

"We'll convert Colby to be a Taylor fan by the time we get there" Nate told me and I nodded, grinning.

"IN MY HEAD BURNING RED!" We finished, catching up with the song

After about 15 minutes, we pulled up into a driveway and Colby got out of the car to go get his friend.

"What song should we play to annoy him?" I asked, scrolling through my Spotify downloads.

"He hates country" Nate informed me and I gasped.

"I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC!" I went to my country playlist, and hit shuffle, Nate turning it up.

I started playing Carrie Underwood, and I was appalled to know Nate didn't know it, meaning I was going solo.

Brennen opened the car door, and shut up causing me to laugh.

"Where are you going?" I heard Colby yell, and I heard Brennen tell him to open the car door.

Colby opened his door, and Two Black Cadillacs by Carrie Underwood was playing, causing him to shake his head.

"And the preacher said he was a good man! His brother said he was a good friend!" I sang, watching Colby get in the car and Brennen opened the door again.

"But the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry-" I sang but stopped hearing the music get shut off.

"HEY!" I yelled and Colby smirked

"I let you play Taylor Swift for half an hour, your turn is done" He said and unplugged my phone causing my jaw to drop.

"This is bullshit! YOU CAN TAKE AWAY THE AUX BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY VOICE!" I yelled

"YEAH THEY TOOK TURNS LAYING A ROSE DOWN, THREW A HANDFUL OF DIRT INTO THE DEEP GROUND!" I yelled and felt someone's hand cover my mouth, and I licked them, making him pull it away.

"SHE LICKED ME!" Brennen yelled and I laughed.

"We don't listen to country in this car" Colby spoke up, ignoring Brennen and I.

"IT'S MY CAR!" I yelled, Brennen and Nate laughing.

"Wait, Leighton, hand me your phone" Nate said and I raised an eyebrow.

"Why?"

"Just do it" He said and I slowly handed it over.

He put the AUX back in and the next thing I heard was "It's country time bitch" and I saw Colby's eyes widen in the mirror.

"Hell no!" He yelled and Nate and Brennen started laughing.

Brennen pulled out his phone and started filming, zooming in on Colby's face in the mirror.

"Take my chevy for a drive in the night and town. Sisters with me in my ride and she's going down. On the country road, searching for our western bitch" Played the speakers and I was very confused.

"Who is this?" I asked and Brennen started cackling, pointing his phone at me.

"It's Colby!" Brennen laughed and my eyes widened.

"What!?" I yelled and even from the backseat, I could see Colby's cheeks redden.

"Going down this country road, don't know where I should go. Looking for that trixie hoe" I couldn't control the huge smile taking over my face as I heard his voice.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS GOLD! TURN IT UP!" I yelled, laughing.

There was an unknown voice and Brennen said it was someone named Aryia. I bit my bottom lip, holding back a grin.

"Going down this country road!" Brennen and Nate yelled together, my cheeks hurting from grinning.

"PLAY IT AGAIN!" I yelled and Colby shook his head.

"Colby, you'll have more fun if you just accept your fate and sing along!" Brennen grinned and Colby was pursing his lips, trying to stop himself from smiling.

"Nate you're a bitch" Colby playfully grumbled. I could audibly hear the smile in his tone which told me he wasn't serious.

"Mr. I hate country music, has a country song! Oh my god this is golden!" I yelled

"Leighton do you have an Instagram tag?" Brennen asked and I shook my head, which led to me explaining why I didn't have social media.

~

"How much longer dad?" Brennen asked Colby, making me laugh.

"We'll be there in about 15 minutes" Colby said and Brennen playfully groaned.

We had been in the car for about 3 hours, taking a couple bathroom breaks, and I was very pleased that my baby wasn't murdering my bladder during this road trip.

"Leighton, want to take a photo?" Brennen asked and I shrugged, leaning in so I was in frame.

Brennen and I took a photo before handing his phone to Nate, having us take a group photo. Brennen and I leaned forward so our heads were peaking in-between Colby and Nate's seats.

We took a couple silly photos before taking a cute one, and I asked Brennen to send them to me, giving him my number.

It had been about 5 minutes, Colby and Nate were talking about something that they had seen whilst driving, when Brennen muttered "Everyone's talking about Leighton on the timeline" making me look at him.

"What do you mean?" Colby questioned with a confused tone.

"Fans want to know who she is, since she was in my story, and in yours yesterday" Brennen said and I saw Colby roll his eyes.

"Did you post any of the photos we just took?" Colby asked and Brennen said no.

"Well they can get over it. She's our roommate" Colby grumbled and I saw a sign with a house number on it, and that's when I realized this skinny curvy road was actually the driveway to wherever we were going.

When we parked, my eyes widened.

It was a literal Castle.

"Holy shit! I really am the princess and you're really the prince!" I shouted, Nate laughing and Brennen giving me a weird look.

"They were singing Love Story before we picked you up" Colby filled him in and Brennen laughed.

"YOU ALL MUST SING LOVE STORY WITH ME IN THIS CASTLE! OH MY GOD!" I yelled, opening the car door, and I saw someone pull up behind us.

"Aryia, we played Country Road for Leighton!" Brennen laughed, the guy joining him.

"I take it the girl is Leighton? I'm Aryia, you look lovely" He flirted and I blushed, thanking him.

I actually did like my outfit today.

I talked with Aryia for a while, catching myself flirting which made me a little nervous, but I decided the best way to get one boy out of my system was to mess with another. I just hoped it didn't go too far.

We walked into the house and I was in complete awe.

It was gorgeous.

"Was it worth me not telling you?" Colby asked, setting his bag down and I nodded.

"I should've befriended you guys sooner if it meant you were taking me to a fucking Castle!" I teased and he rolled his eyes, smirking.

"Only the best for our friends! Sam and Kat should be here soon with Xepher and Griffin. We should go pick our bedrooms before they get here" Colby picked up his bag and headed towards a staircase.

"Have you guys been here before?" I asked, following him up the stairs.

"Sam, Kat and I have for a video" Colby said, and I nodded, looking out the window that was near the stairs.

The backyard looked so pretty. I couldn't believe we were still in California.

Picked the smallest bedroom, not wanting to be in the way, and when I set my bag down, I heard Colby ask "Why'd you pick a bed in a broom closet? We could've made Aryia have this room" He chuckled, looking around and I shrugged, walking over towards the small window.

"Leighton, you could've picked the master, and you chose this tiny ass room with a twin bed in it?" He asked, leaning against the door frame.

"I don't deserve the master. I didn't pay for this trip, I'll be just fine in this, what did you call it? A broom closet?" I asked, sitting down on the twin sized bed.

Colby shrugged, before leaving since Aryia yelled for him.

I laid in the bed, my hands resting on my tummy. "Here's to an adventure little one" I muttered before picking up my phone and texting with my younger brother.

My mom was going home tomorrow, and I really wanted to be there for her, but she would've killed me if I passed up on this trip, so I made her promise me to have them keep me updated.

He recovery time was anywhere between 4 to 12 weeks so I was nervous to be so far away from her.

Landon was currently texting me about a cute date Braxton took him on, making my heart feel all warm and fuzzy at how happy my little brother was.

That's truly all I wanted.

My family and friends happiness meant a lot to me, and I loved hearing about all the fun things they were doing that brought so much joy to their lives.

Lexi was bombarding me about how Macy got a boyfriend and how Lexi needed one now so she didn't feel left out, making me roll my eyes.

I guess I had been laying in this bed for a while, because I heard Kat's voice ask "So this is where you snuck off to" making me move my phone out of the way.

"What do you mean snuck off?"

"Everyone's arrived. We're downstairs. Colby said you guys got here two hours ago" She said and my eyes widened.

"I've been up here for two hours?" I asked and Kat nodded.

"Come on! Let me go introduce you to everyone" She held out her hand and I took it. "Oh my god you're nails!" She gasped, making me pull my hand back in surprise. "They're so cute!"

"Colby did them" I smiled and her eyes widened.

"Colby did these!? No way!" Kat laughed and I nodded.

"We painted each other's nails" I smiled, looking down at my perfect manicure.

"Oh my god I need to see his!" Kat quickly left and I got up to follow her.

"COLBY BROCK LET ME SEE YOUR FINGERS!" Kat yelled and I swear the room stopped.

Everyone turned to look at her, and Colby's eyes were wide.

Kat snatched his hand and gasped.

"LEIGH THESE ARE SO GOOD!" She yelled, making everyone turn to look at me"

"Sorry" I mouthed to Colby who shook his head grinning.

"I don't know who I want to paint my nails, Colby or Leighton. You both did so good!" Kat said which caused quite the attraction.

Everyone spent the next ten minutes talking about our nails.

"I can't believe you got Colby to do something other than black" Sam laughed, inspecting my work.

"I've done white before!" Colby defended making a few of us laugh.

We all hung out for a while, when someone I didn't know asked what we all wanted to do for dinner.

I stayed quiet, feeling extremely out of place. I only knew those I lived with, and there were so many people here.

"What if we made a video out of it? Guys vs girls or something?" Someone piped up, and I started to notice a theme here.

"Do you guys make videos out of everything?" I asked Sam quietly, and he shrugged.

"Sometimes we just hang out, other times we film it. Why not film us having fun and then get paid for it? Not only do we get to keep the memories, but we can pay the bills" He told me and my forehead wrinkled.

"So are they your colleges or your friends?" I asked, confused.

"They're our friends" Sam said and I nodded slowly.

Okay...

"Does that girl want to be in them?" Someone asked and everyone looked at me, causing my heart to race.

It was this moment that it hit me... I was in a house FULL of social media influencers.

Maybe I shouldn't have come.

I didn't even have any social media, so what was I doing here?

"Leigh? Do you want to be in my video?" Kat asked and I couldn't even think, let alone reply. "If you don't want to, you don't have to be" Kat reassured me and I shook my head, opting to stay out of their video.

I didn't need people thinking I was using them, plus I was starting to feel tired.

Being pregnant was no joke.

I slipped out of the room, only Sam noticing, and made my way upstairs.

I wasn't even laying down for more than a minute when Sam walked in.

"Are you okay Leighton?" He asked. I shrugged, feeling kind of funny.

"Leigh?" He asked again, but I couldn't reply.

"LEIGHTON!" Sam yelled and my eyes closed.

~

"Please wake up Leigh!" Sam's voice spoke in desperation and my eyes fluttered open, being met with him hovering over me. "Oh thank god!" Sam breathed out. "Here, sit up! Have some water!" He helped me up and handed me a water bottle.

"What happened?" I asked and he eyed me weirdly.

"I was asking if you were okay, and then your eyes closed and you became unresponsive. When was the last time you ate or drank?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Probably not since this morning" I mumbled and Sam shook his head.

"Okay drink this and we will go get food, where are your shoes?" He asked and I pointed next to my bag.

Sam helped me up and handed me my shoes before we walked downstairs. Everyone was huddled at the door, confusing me.

"Are you sure you don't want to join Leigh?" Kat asked and Sam shook his head. "She's not joining you" he answered for me and Kat gave him a weird look, probably wondering what was going on.

Everyone walked out the door whilst Sam slipped on his shoes, grabbing his keys.

"Is everything alright?" Colby asked and Sam glanced over towards me before nodding. "We're going to go get her food" Sam told him and Colby nodded before walking outside.

When Sam and I got in his car, he let out a deep breath.

"Leigh, you have to take care of yourself. Don't get caught up with everything here. You need to eat, drink and rest for your baby! I can't have you passing out every day"

"I'm sorry! I forgot! It isn't like I can tell Colby to stop and get food when we ate before we left" I huffed and Sam shook his head.

"This is exactly why you need to tell him!"

"I will! Give me time! You're acting like he's the father and I'm keeping this huge secret from him! This baby doesn't even concern him" I grumbled and Sam ignored me, pulling into a McDonalds drive thru and ordered some food, Sam letting me know that they were making homemade sushi for their video, which I couldn't have since I was pregnant.

I got a 20 piece chicken nugget meal since Sam said I needed more than 10, and Sam got a Big Mac making me gag.

"What? What's wrong with a Big Mac?" he laughed and I covered my mouth with the back of my hand.

"Nothing, it just sounds repulsive" I mumbled

"Why?" He asked with a slight laugh, and I shrugged, Sam handing me my chocolate milkshake.

Sam and I ate in the parking lot and he googled snacks to help with pregnancy making me laugh.

"Do you have any cravings?" He asked and I sat there and thought for a second.

"I mean, cookies always sound good. Or brownies. Fruit in yogurt. Oh my god goldfish in peanut butter is so good! I tried it one day whilst you guys were gone, it was heavenly!" I moaned and he laughed, nodding.

"Hello" he said as I dipped my chicken nugget in honey. "We're going to the grocery store to get her snacks. She passed out in her room" Sam spoke, perking my ears since he was talking about me. "Yeah I think she's fine. I got her some food since you guys are making Sushi, which she can't have" He paused, and I dipped another nugget, grabbing my milkshake. I looked at the chocolatey goodness in my hand, and then glanced at my chicken nugget, and then back at the milkshake.

Hm

I took the lid off, ignoring Sam's phone call and dipped my chicken nugget in the chocolate milkshake, before eating it and I moaned loudly.

"OH MY GOD! It's so good!" I reached for another chicken nugget, and heard Sam laughing.

"What are you doing? Do you want to be alone?" He asked and I rolled my eyes, dipping another nugget in my milkshake.

"Leighton's going to orgasm from food" Sam cackled to whoever was on the phone. "She's dipping her chicken nuggets in her chocolate milkshake" Sam said before turning to me "Kat says that sounds good" he said making me grin.

"It's fucking heavenly!" I yelled and I heard Kat laugh.

~

Sam and I walked back into the Castle, hearing commotion going on in the kitchen.

"I'm going to bring these up to your room" Sam held up the grocery bags and I nodded, standing behind the set up cameras.

Colby was currently trying to figure out how to roll the sushi and Kat was making fun of him.

Someone I didn't know was fighting about who got to cut the veggies and I was starting to get a little overwhelmed by all of the commotion happening in front of me.

There were teams of 5, and everyone was talking over each other, giving me a headache.

Brennen and Colby were yelling about something, making my headache worse so I walked upstairs, only to almost literally run into Sam.

"Are you alright?" He asked and I nodded.

"I'm going to go rest, go have fun. Stop worrying about me" I gave him a small smile and passed him up on the stairs.

I laid in my bed, writing in my baby's journal when I got an overwhelming feeling of dread.

Was I holding everyone back? Did they really want me here? Maybe I should go home. I don't want to ruin the trip by passing out, or always needing something. Plus I'm a nobody, why would they want to hang out with me?

I let my thoughts control my emotions, and before I knew it, I was crying whilst throwing some of my stuff back in my bag.

I grabbed a 20 from my wallet, walking to Sam's room and placing it in his wallet that was on the dresser before grabbing my bag of clothes and the grocery bag of snacks and quietly walking downstairs.

I heard them talking about how good the Sushi was, and smack talking to the other team as I walked to the front door and carefully opened it, trying not to make a sound.

I made it outside the door without anyone noticing, quickly walking to my car when I heard "Leighton?" Make me freeze.

Shit

I slowly lifted my head up and my eyes widened in surprise. "Aryia?" I asked and he nodded.

"Why do you have your things?" He asked, glancing down towards my bags.

"Um" I hummed, trying to think of a good excuse but had nothing.

"You're leaving?" He asked and I sighed, shrugging, trying to think how I was going to get out of this one. "Why?" He asked and I bit my lip, not wanting to confess my inner thoughts. "Do they know you're leaving?" He asked and I shook my head, trying not to make eye contact.

It was quiet for a moment, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Want to go have some fun?" He asked, causing me to snap my head up quickly to look at him.

"What do you mean?" I asked and he smirked.

"Here, put your bags in your car, and come with me" He said, twirling his keys in his hand.

~

"What is this place?" I asked. It was dark out now, making me a little nervous. Why did I come with this stranger to some unknown spot in the dark without telling anyone?

"It's one of my favorite spots in Hollywood" He spoke softly, looking at the skyline in front of us that was lit up with city lights.

"It's really pretty" I spoke just as softly, captivated by the view in front of me.

"I think my view is prettier" he spoke, causing me to look at him, only for our eyes to meet.

I blushed, glancing down towards my hands. I felt his hand on my jaw, causing me to look up at him.

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, looking into his eyes to try and figure out his intentions.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked quietly, and before I could think it through, I nodded.

HIs lips met mine, taking my breath away. It felt weird kissing someone that wasn't Gabriel. I've kissed the same person for so long that I forgot what first time kisses felt like, and boy did I love the feeling.

Before I knew it, I was sitting in his lap with my hands in his hair, moaning as we rubbed against each other.

I decided not to let my brain think, and just go with the flow. I was tired of thinking. I just wanted to have fun. It's not like I was going to get pregnant.

~

"Oh my god" I breathed out, resting my hand on the door handle, his hands on my hips.

I wasn't sure how I managed having sex with him, but I can definitely tell you I was the most relaxed I've felt in months.

"You're on the pill right?" he asked and I chuckled, just nodding.

It's not like he needs to know I'm pregnant with another mans baby.

"So do you still plan on leaving?" He chuckled, zipping his pants has I pulled up my own underwear, sitting back in the passenger seat.

I bit my lip, trying not to smile as I tossed my hair up into a messy bun.

"Why? You planning on having another rendezvous soon?" I chuckled and he smirked

"I was hoping" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head and letting out a small laugh.

I leaned forward and kissed him again, going to pull away but he grabbed the back of my neck carefully, softly pulling me back to his mouth.

"They're going to kill me" I mumbled before groaning when he pulled at my bottom lip.

"So we should stay here for a little while longer. Round two?" He asked, nipping at my neck, making me laugh.

~

I pulled my shirt back over my head, breathing heavily. "We should head back, Sam's going to want my head on a platter" I chuckled.

"Why?" He asked, pulling his own shirt back on.

"I'm sure if he had it his way, I'd be locked away in a room with water and snacks so I don't pass out on him again"

"You passed out?" he chuckled and I shrugged, trying not to go further in on why.

"It was an accident. We really should get back" Aryia nodded and started the engine, driving back to the castle.

~

"Where the hell have you been!?" Sam yelled outside my window when Aryia parked the car.

"Told you" I mumbled, Aryia holding back a chuckle.

Sam opened my door and I braced myself for his wrath.

"THE WHOLE HOUSE HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE LEIGHTON!" He yelled and I held my breath, knowing he needed to get this out of my system. "YOU DON'T JUST GET TO DISAPPEAR! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO GIRLS WHO WONDER IN PLACES THEY DON'T KNOW? THEY DIE LEIGHTON. WE THOUGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED TO YOU! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WITH ARYIA!? NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE AND TRUST HIM, BUT WHAT THE HELL LEIGHTON! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU WERE LEAVING!" Sam yelled but before I could reply, he started yelling again. "YOU LITERALLY PASSED OUT NOT EVEN 3 HOURS AGO! YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY! YOU'RE BECOMING LIKE A SISTER TO ME LEIGHTON! DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARED I WAS? HOW SCARED I WAS FOR THE BABY!?" He asked and my eyes widened.

"Baby?" Aryia asked, and Sam quickly glanced towards Aryia, shaking his head.

"I can't believe you" He said and then walked away.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks, my nose sniffling.

"What is he talking about?" Aryia asked and I shook my head, climbing out of the car. I shut his car door and quickly walked to my own car, climbing in and starting the engine.

I was wiping my tears, trying to calm down so I could drive home.

I shouldn't have come.

I should've listened to my instincts and just gone home.

I heard my car door open, and in plopped Kat. The car door shut and the car was silent.

I took in a shallow breath, trying to control my breathing.

"Where ya going buddy?" She asked and I laughed a little, wiping at my nose.

"Home" I said softly and she frowned.

"Why?" She asked and I shook my head, rubbing at my eye before wincing since I poked myself in the eye.

"Leigh? What's going on?" Kat asked and I just started sobbing.

My body shook really hard, and I knew I'd be sore in the morning.

"Leighton? Are you okay? Please tell me what's wrong" Kat begged and after a couple minutes, I calmed down.

"He hates me" I whispered.

"Who hates you?" She asked and I wiped at my cheeks, getting angry at myself.

"Sam" I told her, leaning my head back against the seat.

"He doesn't hate you Leigh, he was just worried. Where were you anyway?" She asked and I groaned, covering my face with my hands.

"I had sex with Aryia" I mumbled into my hands, regretting everything.

"What? I can't understand you" She said and I groaned louder.

"I. Had. Sex. With. Aryia" I spoke against my hands, more clear and I peeked through my fingers to see her mouth open and her eyes wide.

She looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"YOU WHAT!?" She yelled and I just started crying again.

"Do I need to get STD checked?" I asked her, Kat still having a very surprised face.

"I don't think so. You can if you want to feel safe" She said and I nodded.

"Why did you sleep with him?" She asked and took a deep breath, swiping away the stray tear that was rolling down my cheeks.

"I just wanted to forget. He seemed like someone who would let me do that with" I said softly and Kat's face fell.

"Forget what?" She asked and I sighed, closing my eyes as I leaned my head back, my head pounding from crying so hard.

"I'm so sorry" I sobbed again, it was getting hard to breathe.

"Leigh calm down, what happened?" Kat asked and I shook my head.

I was tired of people caring. They shouldn't have to worry about me. I was a big girl. I shouldn't be crying over silly things, sleeping with my friend's friend or intruding on their special trip.

Maybe this is why Colby didn't invite me. He knew I would ruin it. Maybe he was right. I only ruined things.

"I'm sorry" I said again and Kat's forehead wrinkled.

"I'm not getting out till you tell me what happened" She said and I shook my head.

"My problems aren't your concern. Just tell Sam I'm really sorry. Please get out of my car" I told her and I saw hurt flash across her face.

"Leigh please" She whispered and I shook my head.

"I'm not going to ask again. Please get out of my car" I spoke sternly and she hesitated before opening the car door and climbing out.

The car door shut, and I watched her watch me as I started to drive away.

The tears fell down my face as I drove to the nearest hospital.

When I arrived, I walked into the ER and asked for an STD test.

"Ma'am, you need to make an appointment for those" The guy said and I shook my head.

"Please" I cried and he looked at me weirdly.

"Were you raped Ma'am?" he asked and I shook my head, telling him no.

"Okay, well the ER doesn't do STD tests, you need to make an appointment with a clinic" he said and I rested my head on my arms that were on the counter, my body shaking as I sobbed.

~

I don't know what happened, but before I knew it, I was admitted into the ER, hooked up to machines with an IV drip in my hand.

Fuck

I leaned against the hospital bed, and a nurse walked in.

"Good Morning Ms. Fox" She said and I squinted at her, the bright light making it hard to see.

"What happened?" I asked and she gave me a sad smile.

"You fell unconscious in front of one of our ER nurses. I looked in your file, and this isn't the first time it's happened. So one of our doctors is going to come in and have a talk with you about something, but I need to check your vitals" She said and I nodded, confused.

I let her do her thing, and then something hit me.

"Oh god, you guys called him didn't you?" I asked, startling the nurse.

"Called who?" She asked and I threw my head back.

"My emergency contact" I said and the nurse nodded, looking confused.

"Is that a problem?" She asked and I groaned.

Fuck.

I knew I should've changed it.

"It's fine" I groaned, letting her put the oxygen clamp on my finger.

"You know, if you want them to discharge you, you need to stop putting your baby in distress" She muttered and I glared at her.

"Mind your own fucking business will you?" I sneered and she made a face, and then grabbed her clipboard and walked out.

The door opened, and in walked the man of the hour.

"Leighton what the fuck?" he said and I rolled my eyes.

"You can go home, Gabe" I muttered and he glared at me.

"Like hell I will! Why the fuck did I get a call telling me you passed out in the ER hours away from home!" he yelled, making my head pound.

"I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I'm fucking sorry!" I yelled, tears filling up my eyes again.

"Leigh-" he said and I wildly shook my head.

"I'm putting our baby up for adoption, and I'm moving back home"

* * * *

Written on: January 10th, 11th 2022

Word Count: 5.7k

Part Nineteen

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[missroller15]

and red too!

“regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong” s4 literati angst and the s3 final

“losing him was blue like i’d never known, missing him was dark gray all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met, but loving him was red” if that doesn’t summarize rory’s feelings post keg! max!

RIGHT! Red is definitely another one of their songs and ironically, I was actually gonna analyze this one too! But esp b/c it reminds me of this amazing fic called Gave Me The Blues by @madwoman14 (definitely recommend!) but yeah you’re spot-on!!!

The first one. I’m crying. He truly was the first one to show her how strong and passionate love can be and my heart stop-

Losing him was blue like I’d never known, missing him was dark grey all alone

I’ve always thought of that line with them b/c it truly does match them well unfortunately. Considering that Jess was hated upon by pretty much everyone besides two ppl, it’s no surprise Rory didn’t get a chance to openly mourn her break-up with him, she kinda had to deal with it all by herself and it just breaks my heart.

The lines:

Loving him was like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall / Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all

THE WAY GILMORE GIRLS IS AN AUTUMN SHOW ESP JUST FITS HERE BUT IN GENERAL I THINK IT FITS TBH 😭

And the bridge too:

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes / Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go

Yeah, I’m like not ok- this is so s4 I cannot.

[th30ra3k3n]

Red (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

“losing him was blue like i’ve never known. missing him was dark gray, all alone. forgetting him was like tryin’ know somebody you never met. but loving him was red.”

[generalfoolish]

Oscar Isaac Week, Day 1: Favorite Character

Title: I’ll Always Wait For You

Fandom: Triple Frontier (2019)

Pairing: Santiago “Pope” Garcia

Rating: General

Word Count: 1450

Summary: Your ex-boyfriend just showed up out of the blue with a bombshell. You’ve loved him, and waited for him to come home to you, but now you’re not sure how to be there for him.

A/N: ***Repost because my first attempt at formatting was nonexistent. Anyway: my addition to Oscar Isaac Week, Day One. I think Santi is one of my favorites because I need him to be okay. I can easily see him sinking into a depressive episode because of what happened, and while I really hope he went to see his lady in the islands, here is a little Drabble of him coming back to a past love. We love a trope here! 

The first knock wakes you. It’s heavy, just short of pounding. In your dream, the knocks rattled your teeth. You woke just before the rattles knocked the teeth out, you’re worst recurring dream. The second knock jolts you to your senses. You were groggy, still mostly asleep, waiting for your eyes to adjust, and the second knock pumps you with purpose. Adrenaline, actually, but it got your feet moving anyway. Without thinking, without wondering why a burglar would knock, without stopping, you grab the old pistol from your bedside table.

An old gift, something you didn’t want to keep, but didn’t have the heart to throw out. You shook your head; it wasn’t even loaded. In any case, you keep moving. Some resilient and urgent move in your head, screaming at you to move your ass faster. Get down the stairs, it demands. Your eyes are barely adjusted to the dark, but you know your house pretty well. You take the stairs faster than you should, but your feet hit plush carpet each step. You look across your open floor plan, the blinds leaking little light in from the street, just enough to see that nothing is amiss. You sigh, droop your arms a little. Your adrenaline is ebbing, and you’re getting a headache. You almost laugh at your ridiculous response, when the third knock comes. It sounds like a heaving slap against the door panel, and you almost drop your gun in shock.

Scrambling, you cross the space between the stair landing and the door. On tiptoe, you peer through the peephole, not sure what to expect. Never did you expect him. Santiago Garcia. It was dark in your doorway, and it had been years. But you were sure. As sure of anything.

You threw the door open, and then your energy fizzled. You couldn’t form any words, especially not the right ones. Not the ones that had died on your lips the last time he had left. Not the ones he should have known. Not the right ones that could have kept him from going. Instead, you search him. His face, his frame, his features, and you drink it all in. He looks tired. Not just tired from a flight, or because of the late hour, but bone tired. Everything you want to say to him, scream at him, stays in your chest. All you can do is let him in.

“Sorry for the time, I—uuh—just landed.” He tells you, stepping inside. He only has a duffel bag, and you wonder why he’s bothered coming to see you at all. You snag your lip harshly between your teeth to keep the biting words at bay. You wince when the familiar metallic taste floods your mouth and loosen your hold. A self-inflicted split lip is worse than him leaving, again, you tell yourself. Instead, you decide to ask a reasonable question.

“Santiago, what are you doing here?” You ask, shutting the front door, and facing him.

“Well, I just landed. I’m just back from South America.” He reasons, a hand resting on the back of his neck, a small smile playing on his lips. You stare him down, urging him on. He doesn’t continue.

“Santi, 2 in the morning isn’t a great time to play games. I meant here, literally here. My house.” He exhales deeply, and a nervous grin spreads on his face.

“You said the door was always open, and you, uhm, kept that old service pistol I gave you.” He motioned to the gun hanging loosely in your hand, and you closed your eyes.

“I haven’t seen you in years.” You remind him, and you realize you still can hardly make him out. Neither of you had flipped a switch. You put the gun down on the entryway table and grabbed his upper arm. “But, if you’re here, you may as well be comfortable. Shoes off in here, who knows what you’re tracking in those old boots. Give me the bag and meet me down the hall in the kitchen. I’ll get you some tea, and if you’re hungry I have some leftovers from dinner.” You ticked off and grabbed his bag. You climbed back up the stairs and headed to the guest room. You paused as you set the bag down. You didn’t know why he was here, but you were already hoping he’d stay for a little while. Maybe long enough to move to your bed, you thought, feeling the blush creep up your neck. It wasn’t anything you hadn’t done with him before, but him coming in at such a late hour felt too intimate, too personal, after so long.

You shook your head to clear your worsening thoughts. You padded back down the steps, following your own familiar path to the kitchen, where he was already sitting at one of the counter stools. In the harsh lighting of the kitchen, you could see his graying hair and his shoulder’s slumped inwardly.

“Chamomile?” You ask, walking past him, and perking him up. He was still sporting a nervous smile, one that didn’t quite meet his weary eyes. He shook his head.

“I can’t believe you still drink that stuff.” He said, laughing gently. The sound filled the space, and you grinned back.

“Right! I forgot how much you hated it. Uhm, hang on. Let me think…I have a beer? Whiskey? Water?” You ticked off, trying not to think too hard about what he liked.

“Water is perfect, pollito.” You grab a cup from the shelf, and angle it under the water dispenser.

“Don’t call me that.” You warn as you sit the cup in front of him. He grins slyly, and drinks deeply. When you were dating, he had no limit of annoying pet names for you, and pollito had been his favorite.

“Okay, I’ve been hospitable enough, Santi. You have to explain. Give me something.”

“Well, I’m done.” You quirked an eyebrow but didn’t speak. He had been done with the Army, and then joined spec ops. He had been done with that, and then left for South America. You had been done with that particular game for too long to fall for it again. Santiago was a lot of things, and restless was one. Done, for him, simply meant moving to the next job. So, you waited, as you had for all those long years before, you waited for him to explain.

“The last job was bad.” You were going to say something snarky, something about how they were all bad, but then you saw his face drain of color. You saw his waterline start to flood, and you reached across the counter and took his hands. You offered him a small smile, but he was lost in his thoughts, too far to reach. You rubbed circles on his hands as you waited for him. You might kick yourself later, but you knew in your heart that you had always been waiting for him.

“It was Tom, he couldn’t…he wouldn’t let it go. He…he’s dead, now. And it’s my fault, mi vida. If I had just left it alone. I couldn’t let it go.” You felt him tense under your hands, and you swallowed a soft gasp. Tom had been one of Santiago’s closest friends. Their team was more like a family to them, and to lose one must have shattered them all. Your mind flickered to the other boys, and you hoped they were well. You had lost them when you had lost Santi. Another regret for the lost love.

“Shhh, Santi, it wasn’t your fault. Tom agreed to the job, whatever it was, sometimes these things don’t go to plan. He knew the risks.” You stopped short of outright blaming Tom, you didn’t really know the story, but your hackles rose to protect Santi from his own thoughts. He would spiral if he held onto his self-blame. He turned his dark eyes on you, and you withstood the storm forming in them. You weren’t sure who he was anymore. You wanted him to be the same, your Santi. He had been peppering pet names in, and you hadn’t missed the subtle glances. But, this man before you, he had seen and been through hell, you were sure of it. You just didn’t know how much of him made it out.

“You don’t hate me?” His usually commanding voice came out in a harsh whisper, one filled with so much yearning that it almost made you gasp again.

“Of course not, Santiago. I could never hate you.” He smiled and curled his hand up into yours. Whatever happened next, at least you had each other.

[sweetestlamb]

You Can’t Just Leave Me

Summary: The Han family is a force to be reckoned with. 

Author’s Note: Writing this chapter made me smile, I hope reading it as the same affect on you all. Thank you to everyone who supports this story and leaves comments (or my silent readers). I appreciate you all and I am so thankful that you like this brainchild, I’ve just been winging it- never expecting to be on chapter 7 on something I initially planned on being a one shot. You all made it come this far, enjoy chapter 7!! Beautiful header by @ewolfwitchwisegirl text message created by Junjin fairy @prodmina

The apartment is eerily quiet following Su-ah's departure, he hadn't intentionally tried to eavesdrop but it was hard not to overhear their sniffles through the door. Then hours later the usually bubbly girl had exited the room with red rimmed eyes, he'd never seen her cry before in his many years of knowing her. He was awkward in the face of it, not used to comforting anyone besides Ju-Kyeong. 

Their conversation was clipped and it was clear that Sujin hadn't opened up about what happened. The Su-ah he knew would be making plans to sabotage her father, if she knew the full story.  She'd left with the final words, "Take care of her." He nodded without hesitation that was his intentions, he just needed to get her onboard with his plan to do that.

Taking a deep soothing breath he walks over to knock on the door.

"Sujin-ah, can we talk?" He asks, pressing his head against the door. Ready to plead if need be, she hadn't been answering him since being here. He never saw her come outside, but the food he brought would just disappear hours after he placed it. He waits patiently before reaching out his knuckles to knock again, but when the door suddenly opens he takes a quick step back surprised to see Sujin's face. It's clear she's been crying. He looks away, it's a bit unsettling to see her like this. Too raw.

"Let's talk in the living room." He suggests quietly, stepping back and walking towards the couch. Nerves easing minutely as he hears her soft footsteps behind him. He slides into one corner of the couch and watches as she sits on the opposite end. An awkward silence bellows around them as he stares at his hands and she stares at the ceiling. They have both never been the most talkative on a good day, but now it’s painful. 

He clears his throat stilling when he feels her eyes on him, waiting. He had this speech planned in his head for days but now that the moment is actually here, he's terrified. Too nervous to say the words he wants to, does he even have the right to apologize to her now? Does she even want his late apology or will she brush him off? He wouldn't blame her one bit, it had taken him too long and he still hasn't even forgiven himself, how could he expect her to forgive him? 

"Thank you."

He almost misses the quiet utterance because he's so lost in his own self deprecation. They are staring at each other now eyes locked, his own wide in bewilderment.

"What?" He responds caught off guard, he didn't expect Sujin to speak at all-much less for those to be her first words.

"You heard me. Thank you for letting me stay here and for not pressuring me to talk about it."  Sujin awkwardly squirms in her seat, glancing away from him before darting back and she gives him the courage to finally saw what he wanted- no needed to.

"I'm sorry." It's his turn to watch the shock form on her face but he presses on before she can question him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, I knew what was happening but I didn't know how to help. I understand now that just being there would have been enough, you just needed a friend. I'm sorry I wasn't one."

A slight weight lifts off his shoulder and his heart, he's not free but he's one step closer. One step at a time.

"You didn't do anything wrong. We were just kids, what could you have done? It's okay, I never expected you to save me. How could you when you were dealing with your own pain?"

She's giving him an out, and logically she's right the pain of losing his mother crippled him for years. It was still weighing heavy on him to this day but he doesn't want an out, he wants to be accountable. He would rather her rage than her understanding.

"I know you didn't need a savior, but you needed a friend. Am I wrong? Were you okay dealing with everything on your own?" It's a low blow he's aware and the way her eyes narrow further confirm that his question isn't appreciated.

"Am I wrong?" He repeats and watches as the ice around her eyes melt away glacially, too many emotions flashing in her dark orbs- anger, sadness, disappointment, broken acceptance each emotion cutting at his heart.

Leaning forward he grabs at the folder on the table, he's already come this far might as well go all the way now.

"Here." He hands it to her, she raises an eyebrow taking the thick object. "Open it," he nods at the folder watching quietly as she breaks the seal and pulls out the documents, eyes scanning the papers before realization settles.

"Emancipation?" She whispers, now staring at him unblinking he can feel the heft of her undivided attention.

"Yes, we've been doing research and I think the best bet is for you to get emancipated." He winces at himself as she glares at the use of "we", he should have left that out with how distant they've been; she didn't even know that Seojun was the one providing the meals she seemed to love. She might stop eating them if she knew, she was so stubborn sometimes. 

She leaf's through the pages, carefully looking over the document and he sits silently awaiting her reaction.

"He would never allow this. You know that." It's said with certainty as if she's accepted her fate long ago, probably thought of this very option herself and then talked herself out of it.

"I'm going to ask her father to help, he's been supporting your father all these years. If he knew the truth..." He trails off letting her finish the rest and she barks out a humorless laugh, it sounds more like a sob.

"You want to tell your father? They have known each other for years, why would he believe me?"

"He's my dad. He'll believe me. We have to at least try." He pleads now desperate for her agreement. It wasn’t the right thing to say, he knows that instantly. 

Instantly she stands up, slamming the documents on the table the ice restoring around her eyes. "I was fine all those years you were wrong.  I'm not doing this, I don't need your dad's help." She spits the word "dad" like it's poison on her tongue, storming off to the room and slamming the door shut.

He sighs, defeated leaning back onto the couch. He sends a text to his father and Seojun. He failed. 

💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄

Guilt eats at her following her outburst, she wasn't mad at Suho despite her harsh words. She can blame her anger on many things but she's self-aware enough to know that it's a defense mechanism; she was jealous. It was ugly and grotesque, but she cannot stop the way her blood boils when she sees others with parents that care. 

He's my father, he'll believe me.

That would never be her reality, Suho and his father had been able to reconcile and restart their broken relationship. That would never be her truth, her relationship with her father would never resemble something healthy and despite her efforts to repress her true feelings, it hurts. The little girl who desperately wanted to make her dad happy and proud still hadn't died.

She feels stupid, the biggest fool on the planet. How can she still be looking for love from someone who has never shown her anything but hatred? She’s the one with a problem here, she knows that. 

She shouldn't have lashed out especially after his apology, that must have taken true guts and she had thrown it all back in his face. She tries to make amends but every time they cross paths she freezes up and escapes to her borrowed room instead. It continues on for days with him still bringing food to her door and the combination of their kindness is too much for her. She doesn’t deserve it from either of them. 

Tugging on her jacket she leaves the apartment hastily with only a small note on her door. She needs some space to think without feeling suffocated.

Gone for a walk.

It's just her luck that it's raining outside, only a drizzle but it coats the world in a thick fog and it's hard to see. The biggest benefit is that nobody can see her, she just needs time alone to think. 

The idea of emancipation wasn't new to her, she had considered this option before but in the end she discarded it. Her father wasn't someone she would simply leave, he would drag her back kicking and screaming. He had instilled long ago that she was his, it was pointless to have dreams or aspirations, she just needed to follow his orders. That was her purpose. Being an obedient dog. 

Suho's plan also called for revealing her pitiful life, what if she went through this ordeal only to lose and not be given emancipation in the end? No. She couldn't make herself that vulnerable at least now she had her dignity, only two people knew about her secret. It might not be much to others, but her dignity was everything to her; it was all she had left.

Sighing loudly at the skies she mentally curses the weather, maybe it's poetic but all of her worst times have been bookmarked by the rain. It must be a metaphor for her life, damp and cold with no warmth in sight.

Stopping to sit on a bench she stares up at the gray skies before closing her eyes, accepting her fate. "Fine, rain on me. I probably deserve this." Cool raindrops roll down her cheeks imitating tears and she can feel the moisture seeping into her clothes and siphoning her heat.

"Unnie?" She jumps at the voice, sounding too close and she shifts away when she opens her eyes and is greeted by the large bespectacled eyes of Gowoon. The younger girl smiles sweetly, covering her with a pale blue umbrella with ice cream cones decorating it. It’s too innocent and too young the antithesis of everything in her life. 

"Unnie! What are you doing in the rain? You're getting wet!" Gowoon grabs her arm tugging her to her feet using her umbrella to shelter them both. She's shocked when she doesn't bristle at the unexpected and too familiar manhandling. She almost rolls her eyes, what was it with the Han family and finding her during rainstorms? 

"Come on, my house isn't far. I'll make you some soup so you don't catch a cold." The other girl doesn't wait for her reply before she starts pulling her down the sidewalk. She sputters but feels her feet following obediently.

"Oppa is working late, so he won't be there to bother us."

Her heart defiantly jumps at the mention of him, she hasn't seen him in a week. She has dozens of unsent messages to him, cowardice has rendered her fingers useless though. 

"That's good." She lies, "So it'll just be us two?" She's not quite ready to meet any other members of the Han family.

The other girl nods absently, easily easing them into a riveting conversation about a boy at school who won't leave her alone. She offers to beat him up if he keeps on bothering her to which Gowoon laughs gleefully before squealing, "You sound just like Seojun oppa!" She glares at the comparison watching entranced at the young girl's uncontrollable giggles. When was the last time she'd laughed so freely? She had no recollection.

Gowoon wasn't lying and within minutes she's staring at the apartment she's only seen once before. That feels like a lifetime ago.

She immediately regrets her inability to say no to persuasive girl later when they are greeted at the door.

"Gowoon, sweetie is that you?" A maternal voice calls out and she instantly recognizes it, stiffening in the doorway. Stepping back she starts thinking of excuses, but her tongue is too heavy in her mouth and she's too slow as the woman comes around the corner halting her escape. 

She blinks unhurried as the older woman gapes at her clearly not expecting to see anyone besides her daughter.

Gowoon breaks the silence, her voice nonchalant, "Hi mom! This is my unnie Sujin, she's the one who saved me the other day! Is it okay that I brought her here for dinner, I found her in the rain!" Gowoon makes it sound like she picked up a stray puppy outside, but she knows the other girl means no harm. 

Her skin prickles at the question, anxiety filling her stomach without her permission. She's waiting for rejection. For Gowoon’s mother to say that it is not okay and she would rather eat with her daughter without a stranger intruding. 

"Of course! I didn't realize it was the same Sujin." Gowoon looks confused by her mother's statement and she feels embarrassment swarming in her belly. Oh no. She has to stop her before she reveals too much, Gowoon knows nothing and she wants to keep it that way. 

"I didn't realize you knew Sujin too, isn't this Seojun's cru.."

"Classmate!" She suddenly interjects staring at the woman with pleading eyes, she's not ready for Gowoon to know about her brothers “feelings”. She's trying her best to forgot them too.

They both stare at her and she squirms under the scrutiny, before the older woman puts her out of her misery. "Yes, Seojun mentioned her before I didn't realize she was the same person that helped you. Thank you." She freezes as the woman embraces her hand, smiling at her warmly as she thanks her. She can only stare in response, nodding dumbly.

"Come on unnie! I'll get you some warm clothes, you'll catch a cold if you keep wearing those."

She lets herself be tugged into the younger girl’s room. Just like Gowoon the room is bright and vivacious, wall covered in posters and books littering her table. It looks completely normal and it makes her ache, her own room was militarily decorated with nothing out of place and no evidence of her personality. Since she was young her father would inspect it and punish her if anything was untoward. She had stopped trying to make the room look lived in after seeing poster after poster thrown down. 

"Here unnie. You can borrow this." Her eyes bulge at a familiar blue shirt with a puppy on the front. "I know it's so embarrassing but oppa got it for me, it's really warm though." In the end he'd gotten her to wear the ridiculous shirt, she reluctantly goes off to change into the top and leggings. They are the same baby blue hue, making the outfit look like a set. She's thankful the boy isn't here to see her.

"Well don't you look adorable?" Seojun's mom coos at her when she finally comes out of the bathroom, she desperately wants to disappear. The woman must notice her ruby cheeks because she turns with a smile calling out to her daughter, "Gowoon! Come help with dinner!"

Now changed too, into cactus pajamas the younger girl bounds out grabbing an apron and tying it behind her back.

"What are are we making?" She curiously peeks over her mom's shoulder. The air between the mother and daughter is comfortable, the two leaning into each other naturally as they discuss what to make for dinner. She observes with a heavy heart as Gowoon easily puts her head on her mom's shoulder and the woman strokes her cheek lovingly. Something inside her throbs in response.

"Do you want to help?"

Shaking her head to clear the longing she looks at their mom, who's looking back at her with soft eyes already holding out another apron.

She can't control herself her yearning is too large, she stands without hesitation walking to the woman, sucking in a breath when the apron is placed over her shoulders and then tightened snuggly.

"We're making wonton soup. Have you ever made dumplings before sweetie?"

She looks at Gowoon waiting for her reply but then realizes that both pair of eyes are on her and oh, she's talking to her. She called her sweetie. Swallowing thickly she shakes her head before replying, "No. I've never made them before." She waits to be berated or at least chastised for her lack of culinary skills, her father always said a woman's place was in the kitchen.

Nothing happens. The woman hums before smiling again, she's always smiling it's so pretty. She wishes she had the courage to say the words aloud. She doesn't.

"You can help Gowoon chop the vegetables for the filling. Then we can mix it with the ground pork and I'll show you how to make the dumplings." If the woman is disappointed at all at having to teach her she's doing an incredible job of concealing her frustrations.

She accepts the knife when Gowoon hands it to her, both of them working on a wooden cutting board. They've gotten into somewhat of a rhythm slicing the chives and carrots finely for the filling. She'd never chopped vegetables before but their mom had casually stood behind her shocking her so much she almost dropped the knife, but the older woman had easily caught the utensil before holding her hand and manually showing her how to tuck her fingers and mince the vegetables. She froze before imitating the woman, she was good at replicating acts.

"That looks great sweetie! You're a fast learner!" The woman praised her turning back to the broth and adding more seasoning liberally. She preened under the attention smiling shyly before Gowoon shouted out loudly, "What about me mom? How do mine look?" They both looked at the younger girl's unevenly chopped chives and carrots, next to Sujin's perfectly identical veggies all in an even row. The difference between the two is stark. 

"They look fine dear, they'll be hidden in the dumplings anyway." Her mother tries to soothe her ego, patting her shoulder before turning back to her soup dismissively and a burst of laughter explodes from her chest at the offended look on Gowoon's face, her cheeks are red and her mouth is turned down in an exaggerated frown. The younger girl looks positively livid that her mother is not similarly singing her praises and she starts to defiantly chop more vegetables, only to have them come out even worst; even more lopsided and haggard. 

She tries to tamper her laugh but when the younger girl starts whining, crying about how her veggies were “cousins not siblings” she loses it, clutching at the counter for balance. She feels the air bursting from her lungs as she clutches at her stomach, laughing harder when Gowoon glares at her pout on her lips. The older woman joins her rubbing her daughter's back as she cries about her dignity, and then Gowoon looks at them both laughing at her and a smile spreads on her face and soon they are all laughing in the kitchen, soup bubbling beside them as a delicious aroma permeates the room.

None of them hear the front door opening or a deep voice announcing its arrival.

💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄

He's cold, tired and wet. Once again missing the forecast for rain, he really needed to start carrying an umbrella around all the time. What was up with the weather lately anyway? Why was it raining all the damn time?  He absently thinks of a certain someone and hopes she's somewhere warm out of the rain. They always seemed to meet when the sky was pouring and raging. 

It was hard not contacting her but he wanted to listen to her requests and respect her wishes no matter how hard it was for him, it was also getting pathetic being the only one fighting for this. She hadn't outright rejected him after his confession but her silence was an answer in itself and he wanted to respect that. He wasn't too manly to admit that he was hurt, and he was reeling from being pushed away so many times already.

So he followed his mother's advice, he'd given her something that he knew she needed and expected nothing in return.

All week he'd been waking up early to cook for the girl, reading recipes off his phone  fluffy cat headband on his head keeping his fringe out of his eyes. The easier recipes like soup and grilled meats had been simple enough to accomplish but when he ventured into more complicated bento boxes that's when frustrations had arose. They looked so easy but they were tedious and he wasn’t the most patient or detail oriented person. 

He struggled to recreate the detailed meals and almost gave up,  throwing his phone across the room.

That's how his mother had found him, fuming and tugging his hair on the kitchen table. Seconds away from bashing his head into the surface and screaming at the ceiling. 

"What are you doing up so early?" He jumped at her voice, looking around at the mess he'd made in the kitchen with wide guilty eyes.

"I-I can explain." He stuttered out but couldn't come up with a feasible answer once she looked at him expectantly, arms folded. The patented mom stare. 

She had calmly walked across the room picking up his discarded phone, peering at the screen before looking back at him.

"Is this for your friend?" She shook the phone at him knowingly and he pressed his lips tight together, nodding mutely while looking away.

"Okay let's see what you have so far." His mom walked over and assessed what he had already made, nodding with a proud smile. "You did good so far, let me show you how to make a hotdog into an octopus. I did this for you all the time when you were a kid."

He was grateful when she didn't ask him any questions and it became their morning ritual, until he no longer needed guidance and he was able to make the boxes on his own. The satisfaction he felt when Suho would return the containers, clean as a whistle not even a grain of rice remaining was incomparable. It wasn't much but at least she was eating, that was all he needed even if she didn't want to see him or know that he was the one making her meals.

He sighs at himself, he told himself not to think about her but that was proving easier said than done.

Shaking himself at the front door like a wet dog, he tugs his keys from the back pocket of his jeans slotting it on the doorknob and turning.

"I'm home!" He calls out instinctively announcing his arrival as he toes off his drenched boots, but then his eyebrow lifts as he hears peals of laughter coming from the kitchen. He chuckles without knowing the joke, instantly rejuvenated by his family's abundant joy. Slipping on his slippers after hesitating a second because he doesn't recognize the shoe at the front door. When did Gowoon get those and how the hell was his little sister affording Chanel sneakers?

Those thoughts are swarming in his mind when he stomps to the kitchen, all the air sucked from his lungs when he sees an unbelievable vision. His mother and sister are grasping at each other, lost in laughter completely unaware of his presence but the image that most shocks him is Sujin, holding her stomach as she spots something on the counter that sets her off into another bout of boisterous laughter.

He can't help it he starts to categorize her every move, the way her eyes are crinkled and a stray tear is leaking out the corner, the way her nose is scrunched up like a rabbit and the way her mouth is stretched wide, visible even behind the futile shield of her hand. All of his thoughts from earlier regarding not needing to see her dissipate, he wants to tattoo this image in his mind.

"Oh! You're here!" His mother suddenly turns to face him and that causes Sujin to freeze laughter fading off with a whine, regarding him with huge bright eyes. It's almost too much once he notices what she's wearing, he wasn't prepared to see her like this in his house. It's overwhelming in the best way.

"I'm home. I'll go change and come help." Both his mother and Gowoon nod easily no longer paying him any mind but he can feel eyes on him as he runs away, trying to regain his composure and his breath. He purposely avoids Sujin's eyes not ready to see if the walls are back up at his arrival.

When he comes back out the table is already set and they've all taken a seat, the only available chair is between his mom and Sujin, so he takes a calming breath before walking over with fake confidence. He’s used to faking it until he makes it. That could be the name of his biography. 

He answers his family's questions about work and school blowing on the soup before taking a bite of the slightly lopsided dumpling. What it's lacking in appearance it more than makes up for in flavor, he groans at the delicious flavor that dances on his taste buds looking up excitedly at his mom.

"These dumplings are delicious! Thank you for the meal!" He praises his mom, happily chewing at the soft delicacy in his mouth.

"Thank you Junnie, but I didn't make the dumplings. They worked on the filling together but Sujin-ah seasoned and filled the dumplings while I made the broth and your sister helped with the side dishes." His mother smiles proudly over at the two girls, Gowoon beaming with pride but Sujin, almost disappears into her soup her head so close to the steaming hot bowl.

They haven’t said anything to each other and he's nervous to be the one to break this stalemate but he also really wants to talk to her, has wanted to since he stepped through the door and saw her smiling face. Has wanted to since that night he stormed out and didn't look back. So finally he does, gathering all his bravery to finally look over at her.

"The dumplings are great." And when she doesn't look up or seemingly react at all, he tells himself he's fine and he expected that. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet, it was his own fault for hoping when she'd explicitly told him to stop doing that.

So he goes back to eating, more lethargic than before eyes locked on nothing but his food and his spoon. It was embarrassing. He knows his cheeks are pink and he hates it.

"Thank you. I just followed your mom's directions. It was nothing."

He pauses, peeking up at her and almost choking when she shoots him a small smile before filling her bowl with more rice.

His heart thumps in his chest. Fuck.

He doesn't hear anything else the rest of the meal, too lost in his thoughts and it's only familiarity that has him standing up when everyone is finished, collecting the plates and bringing them to the sink.

"It's almost time for Sunbae, don’t wear those high heels!!" Gowoon shouts, he cringes at the name of the new drama they've been obsessively watching, he'd only tuned in one time before flabbergasted by the exorbitant amount of times the female protagonist had fallen into the arms of various men but especially the male lead. She fell off a balcony into his arms that time, with neither of them needing to be admitted to the hospital somehow. His mother and Gowoon had both hushed him when he'd voiced that particular opinion and he had happily banished himself to his room.

"Oh no, I'm going to miss it because I'm washing the dishes." He replies deadpan as his sister rolls her eyes dramatically at him, "Whatever it's your loss. Let's go I want to see if she's going to choose the sweet bad boy or the cold cute guy!"

He scoffs at the cliché characterizations scrubbing harder at the plate.

"Come on unnie!" Sujin gasps as she's tugged to the living room too, glancing over he sees his little sister place her in the middle of the couch sandwiched between her and his mother. Sujin looks overwhelmed as Gowoon animatedly tries to catch her up on the series. He shakes his head, maybe the show wasn't that bad. He could watch a few minutes with them.

He strolls casually to the living room, easing onto the ground beside his mother's legs after all the dishes are clean and drying.

"What are you doing here? I thought you despised this "cringey" show?" He leans his head back, sighing when his mother eases her fingers into his hair scratching at his scalp and he sighs content in her lap.

"I do. But it's too early to sleep so I have no choice but to watch this crap."

"Mom! He said crap!"

"Watch your language."

His mother scolds him immediately and Gowoon sticks out her tongue at him vindicated because he got in trouble and immaturely he does it back, tugging off her sock much to her chagrin, dodging her when she tries to kick him.

Sujin looks back and forth between them both before discretely looking at their mother, she seems shocked when all the woman does is chuckle and say, "Children please. Do I need to remind you that we have a guest?" He looks away bashfully not wanting to look childish in front of Sujin, he hadn't thought about that. That makes them settle down and he finally looks at the TV, groaning loudly when low and behold the heroine is falling again, tripping over a candy wrapper on the ground.

"She falls a lot. She should probably wear protective gear." Sujin says breaking their new silence and he chuckles at her observation, happy that someone agrees with him, excitedly he turns to her "Right! Last time she fell off a balcony!" He shouts in disbelief and suddenly they're all arguing about the feasibility of someone surviving that. His mother shaking her head fondly at them, choosing to say out of it which makes Gowoon pout because she's outnumbered.

"Okay who would you choose Unnie, the tsundere type or the bad boy with a heart of gold?" Suddenly he's very invested in her answer, he tries not to react staring at the ceiling and breathing evenly but inside his heart is thundering ready to pound out of his chest.

A few seconds drag on and he wonders if she's not going to answer, he doesn't even know why he cares so much but curiously is gripping at him. He knows that this doesn't mean anything necessarily and he's not getting his hopes up but--

"The sweet guy. He just looks like a bad boy but he's sweet to her, he never says anything mean to her. That would be nice." She answers, trailing off at the end and he hears Gowoon instantly disagreeing saying the other guy is way better, but he can barely hear his sister over the thumping of his heart in his ears, he can't help the wide smile that spreads on his face. 

He turns to hide it in his mom's lap.

It doesn't leave his face the rest of the night.

💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄

It's getting late, she knows that it's time for her to take her leave she's been imposing on them for too long but....she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to leave, they are so warm. She's never seen a family like this outside of television shows, how was it possible that this was their real life? How could they have a mother who was that loving? Everything they did was greeted with fond exasperation, where was the reprimanding or cold backhanded words that cut like a knife?

She'd even treated her kindly, calling her sweetie more than she said her name. And she got used to it similar to how she'd gotten used to Seojun calling her princess, she knew she should fight it but she didn't want to. She was ashamed to say she liked it. 

She tries to soak it up for as long as she can before she says reluctantly, "I should probably go. it's getting late." Then she watches in a daze as the woman races off before returning with containers stacked and tied in a bag.

Before she can argue or refuse their mom is already shaking her head, "You made this so it's only right that you take it home. I won't take no for an answer." At this point that should have been the Han family motto she thinks fondly. But she accepts the food, bowing in gratitude at the simple act of kindness.

"Unnie, can I have your number? I just realized I don't have it and we're so close!" Gowoon thrusts her phone out with two hands, giving her the biggest puppy eyes she's ever seen. Without a word she accepts the phone, punching in her number before handing it back. She hadn’t realized the girl considered them close, but she finds that she doesn’t mind it at all. 

"Thank you! I'll text you so you can have my number too." The younger girl dances in celebration before grabbing her in a hug, she awkwardly pats her on the back once before she's finally set free. They're all so naturally affectionate and she's not the least bit accustomed to it, used to harsh words and slaps instead of praises and hugs.

"Get home safely sweetie. Junnie! Where did you go? Come walk her home!" She rushes to say it's okay she doesn't need an escort home, she's fine walking by herself it truly wasn't that far it turned out. But Seojun comes out of his room, changed again with a coat on and a beanie. Walking over to them he thrusts a sweater at her, when she looks blankly he replies sounding defensive, "It's probably colder now. Put this on too." He pushes it at her again firmer and she grabs it, gasping when their fingers brush.

It's a thick dark green sweater with fleece lining the interior and it smells just like his earthy cologne, she wants to give it back. Instead she puts it on over her borrowed long sleeve shirt from Suho and feels like a child playing dress up when it reaches the bottom of her knees. She knows what he's thinking when he smirks at her, she wasn't short he was just a damn giant.

She takes off the slippers and slides back into her sneakers, thankful that they're dry now. She's distracted by Seojun's heat, he's so close to her putting on his own boots. So much so she nearly misses what his mother says, "Get home safely. Please come again soon, I need more maturity in this house." Seojun and Gowoon both shout affronted but all she can see is the genuine smile on her face, she finds herself nodding throat too thick for words. When she's pulled into another hug, this time she has to blink away tears arms still by her side. She’s vibrating from keeping her emotions contained. 

They are walking side by side, the sounds of the city filling the silence that would be present. Every once in a while their arms brush but he moves away after the third time and she feels cold, more so than when the wind blows.

They're getting closer to Suho's apartment and she's wrecking her brain to find something to say to him, knowing that the ball is in her court; it always has been. She's just terrified to swing her racket. What if she misses? Or trips and embarrasses herself? It was usually better to just do nothing then you wouldn't be disappointed.

With each step she loses more courage until they are standing in front of the building and she still hasn't said anything.

Coward.

They stand awkwardly looking at the building pointedly avoiding each other and she finally speaks, "Oh your sweater! Here you go." She says stupidly, not at all what she wanted to say but she starts to pull the sweater off to commit to her exclamation. However he steps back shaking his head at her.

"It's cold. Just wear it upstairs. I'll get it later from Suho, you won't have to see me again. Go up." He sounds deflated, nothing like the animated jokester she'd seen just minutes at his apartment. It aches that she's the one making him act this way.

Then he turns around after looking at her, all of the light drained from his eyes.

He takes three large steps, putting immeasurable space between them in no time and she knows that if she lets him walk away right now he might not come back and that's a gut wrenching thought that makes her chase after him.

Thoughtlessly, she grabs his arm halting his exit from her life.

"Wait!" She shouts, but at the first touch of her hand on his forearm he's already frozen, still in her arms. He doesn't turn around. She shoots him a silent mental thank you, even if it's not his intention it's much easier to say what's on her mind like this without him facing her and her feeling too open and vulnerable. 

"I know you're the one making me food." There was supposed to be a thank you somewhere in there but instead she ends up sounding accusatory, and he tenses instantly his arm tight in her grasp.

"I'll stop. I know you told me to leave you alone. I--just. There's no excuse. I'll stop."

His voice is strained and this is going all wrong already, she's ruining everything.

Letting go of his arm, she sidesteps and brazenly moves directly in front of him. She can't keep hiding from this. She needed to be vulnerable, that was the only way he could understand.

His eyes are wet.

She gasps at the sight, not expecting it and so jealous at his ability to just feel and be seen. She was always hiding from everything. 

"Don't."

He doesn't give her a chance to finish.

"Sujin. Let me go. I know already, I know it all. I can't like you, I shouldn't get my hopes up, I need to mind my business. I know it all!" He shouts, pain marring his face but she notices how he still tugs his arm free gently, still careful about harming her even while he’s breaking down. 

She doesn’t deserve this. 

This is all her fault she knows that to be an objective truth, but the way he throws her own words back at her makes her realize how cruel she'd been while trying to spare him. She hadn't spared anything, the pain in his eyes and voice makes that abundantly clear.

"Don't stop. Don't give up on me." She finishes, staring at him with her own wet eyes, tears prickling at them.

His shoulders sink as he stares at her, lost and hesitant. 

"I'm sorry. I’m sorry for saying those things to you.  I can't promise I won't push you away again. I'm...I'm fucked up Seojun-ah. I'm a fucking mess. But I want to stop, I don't want to push people away."

I don't want to push you away. But she’s still too much of a coward to say that out loud. 

"Sujin, what-what are you trying to say?" He looks at her with guarded eyes, not yet ready to believe the words coming out of her mouth.

"I want to be friends."

She watches him wrestle with her sentence, hurt being covered up by a façade and she's not obtuse, she knows that's not the answer he was hoping for. Knows he thinks she's friend zoning and clipping the wings of his feelings.

"That's all I can deal with right now. I have a lot to work on, I need to work on me." It may seem like a cop out, an excuse but it's the most honest she's ever been with herself, it's not that she doesn't like him she might- if the way her heart thumps when he’s around says anything- but more importantly she has realized that she doesn’t like herself.

"Right now." He repeats in awe, she blinks confused before realizing the implications of her words, she starts sputtering trying to backtrack but he's too quick beating her to the punch.

"I can do friends. For now." She blushes at the beaming smile on his face, his happiness over such a small acquiesce is too much. Why did he have to wear his heart so obviously on his sleeves?

They stand simply staring at each other. Locked in the moment.

She might need to remind her heart that they'd only agreed to be friends.

For now.

💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄

I don't like onions.

She doesn't know what possesses her to text him first, or what compels her to send that particular message. She starts googling if there's a way to unsend messages, instead finding stories from others regaling their own embarrassing messages and finding solace that she isn't alone in this feeling. 

She jumps when her phone vibrates. Slowly turning it over like it's a ticking bomb.

Of course you'd be a picky eater. Onions are good for you.

She rolls her eyes at the message, he was such a nagger.

It's not good if I don't enjoy it.

Alright princess, noted. No more onions. Are you okay with chicken teriyaki tomorrow?

She recalls the delicious chicken teriyaki he'd made for her just days ago, it was succulent and juicy and she'd fought Suho over it, reminding him that this was her food and she replies quickly.

Yes! Do you have more kimchi?

I do. I'll pack some.

She stares at the phone, in disbelief at the how easy it is to talk to him again, like there was an empty spot in her life, a Seojun shaped gap that was now filled once more. She wasn't fixed, she had meant what she told him; she couldn't examine her feelings for him yet. But she needed him in her life, he was there when she needed someone and now no one else would do.

I missed you.

[homeformyheart]

cottage by the sea - adam du mortain x f!detective (twc)

author’s note: this is an AU featuring my A-mancing detective in old age, after choosing not to be turned. i hope you enjoy, and i’m sorry in advance for the really deep feels and potential tears.

copyright: all characters, except my oc detective, are owned by mishka jenkins @seraphinitegames. series/pairing: the wayhaven chronicles  – adam du mortain x f!detective (regina bishop) rating/warnings: 16+; grief, sadness word count: 2.4k summary: regina makes adam promise he’ll watch over their family even after she’s gone and he keeps that promise.

cottage by the sea

adam looked over at his wife’s sleeping form, the bright moonlight casting a shadow over his body and enveloping hers in darkness. he closed his eyes and listened for her heartbeat, steady and slow… very slow these days.

regina mumbled something incoherent in her sleep before rolling onto her back. for a nanosecond, adam thought she might have woken up, offering him a chance to look into her beautiful eyes. it’s been a long time since he realized that just one glance from her with those soulful eyes set his heart thumping just a little faster.

when they started their relationship decades ago, he told himself every day that he could come to terms with her mortality as long as he didn’t take her for granted. that he cherished every moment he had with her, and made sure that she knew she was loved wholly and fully by him. so that he could look into the eyes of the love of his life each day.

despite her old human age, regina’s eyes sparkled with mischief and a softness that stole his breath. even though her movements were slow and her mind wasn’t as sharp as it used to be, her clear blue eyes spoke volumes for her. it was his favorite feature of hers, and the one that he missed most often when they weren’t together.

20 years ago

adam looked over regina’s shoulder at their bundled up grandchild, who was sleeping soundly as she gently rocked him. he felt her heart flutter and knew his was doing the same. never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he would get to hold his grandchild.

“he’s so beautiful,” she whispered, her cheeks pulled back in an ear-to-ear smile.

“just like you, my love,” he murmured back, leaning in to give her a soft kiss against her temple.

regina looked at him with a softness to her gaze and adam was grateful that he didn’t really need to breathe. even after all these years, she still took his breath away.

it was short lived, however, as a wistfulness replaced the affection from before. “i’ve been meaning to talk to you about us,” she said slowly, moving to lower their grandchild back in his crib.

adam felt his stomach clench as he followed her into their bedroom. he was sure he wasn’t going to enjoy this conversation, something about regina’s tone felt… foreboding, even though her heartbeat was calm.

she sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to her. adam fought the urge to insist on standing, which was his default stance in the face of danger or uncertainty and sat down on the bed. regina grabbed his hand and held it between both of hers before looking up at him.

“i know you promised you would wait until i was ready to talk about it and that you would respect my decision,” she started hesitantly. the furrow in her brow told adam that this was a heavy topic that had been weighing on her, and his heart sank.

she looked up at him with a smile, but her eyes wavered with sorrow. “i don’t want to be turned adam. i want to live out my human life.”

adam felt a sob lodge in his throat. he swallowed a few times, trying to will the emotions that were threatening to spill back down into his stomach.

“are you sure?” he asked, his tone even despite the fear he was sure she could see in his eyes. she was always really good at that. he lifted a hand to cup her cheek.

regina leaned into his palm and closed her eyes. “i’m sure. adam, i… don’t want you to have to see me old and gray,” she said quietly. she took a deep breath before continuing, “i also don’t want you to have to watch me die.” regina kept her eyes closed. if she looked into his, her resolve would waver.

adam could only stare at her incredulously. how could she even think that he wouldn’t want to be by her side every moment he could? a lifetime ago he may have agreed that distance would make things easier and he would’ve been more inclined to agree with her. but not anymore.

there was a part of him that had always known, deep-down, that regina would refuse to be turned. she felt being human was a part of her identity she didn’t want to lose and felt that it was her humanity that brought her and adam together.

but he never considered a scenario where he wouldn’t live out the rest of her days by her side.

“no.” his tone was firm and unyielding.

to his surprise, regina smirked. “you can’t order me around anymore, commanding agent du mortain.”

adam felt his gaze soften. “no,” he repeated, this time his voice was gentler but hoarse from holding back the lump in his throat. “i will not leave you. i… don’t think i can bear to live without you.”

“oh adam,” regina said softly, leaning in to rest her forehead on his. “i don’t want to leave you either. but i need you to live on.”

“it would break me,” he admitted, letting out a heavy sigh.

regina pulled her head back and gently cupped his face in her hands, tilting his head up so he was looking at her. “promise me then. promise me you’ll continue on and watch over our family.”

she felt adam’s head move slightly back in surprise and his eyebrows rise. she held him firmly in place, the resolve in her eyes burning an image forever into his memory. “you’ll get to see our family line grow - our great great great grandchildren will get to know you and me and our story. the du mortain line will live on. promise me, adam.”

adam was stunned. “i… i don’t know if i can do that. our family will continue to have each other. for me, there is only you.”

regina smiled. “that’s where you’re wrong, agent. a part of me is in every single member of our family – including unit bravo and they need you more than you’re willing to admit. you’ll see me in them, if you choose to do so, on days when it’s a little easier to live with my memory. just know that i’ll always be with you.”

he was silent. regina knew he was processing; the emotional weight of her request and the implications were not lost on her, but adam probably felt it more deeply. having already lived almost a millennium, it wouldn’t be difficult for him to envision what another millennium would be like without her.

after a few, quiet minutes, she added a gentle pressure from her palm to nudge him into responding. “promise me, adam. that’s an order,” she said gently, with a hint of playfulness.

adam let out a heavy, weary sigh. “alright, i promise.”

every year, every birthday, was equal parts agony and bliss for adam. sharing every part of him with the love of his eternal life and sharing in every part of her mortal one year after year brought him so much joy that he wondered if any of it was being amplified by his hypersenses. he never knew feeling this much joy was even possible.

but it also made him wonder if the unavoidable pain he’d feel after she was gone would also be magnified, hypersenses or not. if the loss of joy would shatter him to pieces. as he watched regina’s body go through the physical changes that came with being human, he counted each one. each new wrinkle, especially around her eyes and smile. each new gray hair, especially after she stopped dying it. each kiss, caress, and laugh. even the tears, although they became few and far between as they got older, because he wanted to memorize every part of their life together.

and of course, every single moment. the mornings he got to wake up by her side. the nights they got to cuddle in silence. the afternoons curled up on the deck looking at the ocean waves, holding hands while balancing a book or a glass of wine in the other. the one thing they had agreed on early in their relationship was that they wanted to build a cozy little home by the sea. he loved feeling as though they had reserved a little corner of the world, just for them.

he kept these to himself, of course, branded deep into his soul so he’d never forget. each night he’d hold her until she fell asleep, and he’d close his eyes and count. once he was sure his count was up-to-date and after regina had fallen asleep, he’d go back to work for a few hours. it was a comfortable routine, one that he hoped would help him after she was gone.

tonight though, adam couldn’t bring himself to leave even though he was supposed to check in at the facility. as he listened to her quiet breathing and soft heartbeats, he knew being late would be worth it. she had fallen asleep earlier than usual tonight, exhausted from spending the day sitting out in front of the house and looking out at the ocean. it took a lot of effort for her to move about these days, especially since she still stubbornly refused to let him carry her everywhere.

he tucked her in and held her until she fell asleep, like he did every night he could, and closed his eyes next to her so he could resume his counting. 20 years feels very different while counting memories in the hundreds of thousands and millions.

adam had just finished counting when he felt it. felt her heart grow quieter and quieter until it was silent. his eyes flew open and he sat up in the bed, leaning over her still body. his heartbeat was pounding in his ears and he willed it to calm down so he could listen for hers. nothing. he reached out and shook her gently as a lump lodged in his throat.

please, regina, open your eyes. let me see your eyes just one more time, my love, he thought, gently lifting and cradling her body against his chest.

“please,” adam whispered as he kissed her, closing his eyes and trying to ingrain the softness and scent of her into his memory.

his heart knew that she was physically gone but he continued to rock her body back and forth in his arms. he kissed her forehead and for the first time in a millennium, wept openly.

* * * * * they all mourned. unit bravo, all of adam’s children and grandchildren, and seemingly half the agency came out in droves for the wake. it took every ounce of willpower, over 900 years’ worth, for adam to remain collected in front of everyone. he just kept hearing regina’s voice in his head, gently telling him, “take care of them and yourself, and you’ll be taking care of me, too.” and he was nothing if not a man of his word.

the renovated farris warehouse had been beautifully decorated in her favorite flowers for the wake. it was the only space in town big enough for all the people that wanted to pay their respects. regina’s dedication to the agency and protection of both humans and supernaturals made her a beloved colleague, much like her mother before her. they had to hold two separate wakes, one for the humans of wayhaven, and one for those that were part of the supernatural world. he was grateful that he wouldn’t have to interact with the wayhaven townsfolk, but he still could only take so many condolences and empty statements of comfort from people he didn’t really know.

thankfully, the funeral and burial itself was kept small and private. it was just unit bravo and his grown children in a quiet ceremony before they watched their favorite person be buried next to her parents in the bishop family plot.

adam visited her grave every day, with stargazer lilies, her favorite flowers in hand. sometimes he went alone and other times at least one member of unit bravo would join him. some days he would talk to her, tell her how their children and grandchildren were doing, including unit bravo. other days he would leave the flowers and walk away immediately, not wanting to dwell in the emotions that threatened to break him.

he kept himself busy and asked the agency for as many cases and missions that they would be willing to assign to unit bravo. he was grateful that his team didn’t complain; they understood why they weren’t taking breaks between missions. they all welcomed the distraction from thinking about regina. the years passed this way, never dulling the ache in his heart but still giving him purpose to move forward, if only to keep his promise.

and keep his promise, he did. adam was not going to let her down.

he watched over their family as it continued to grow in number, a new generation of children eventually helping him overcome the loss of the generation before them before the cycle continued. he learned about what they did in the world and documented it, starting a new family tree with him and regina at the top. nate helped craft narratives and stories of his descendants’ lives in a scrapbook of sorts, doing so without saying anything after noticing adam struggle one day to write anything besides bulleted facts down on a piece of paper.

every generation in his family was different, yet similar in some respects. some turned away from him once they found out that he was a vampire, others were either unfazed or excited. sometimes things changed as they got older and saw how he didn’t age one bit. watching his descendants die before him never got any easier.

but watching them learn and grow and thrive was worth all of the pain and heartache. he would smile to himself when he realized in those moments that regina had been right. taking care of their family would help him continue to live. and he had his team right beside him too.

the du mortain line didn’t just rise again, it flourished.

* * * * * permatag: @kelseaaa; @kat-tia801; @anotherbeingsworld; @crackerdumortain; @pearlsandsteel; @gloynporslen; @writer-ish; @sosolenoo; @alyssalauren; @fhauvilles; @wayhavenots; @gingerbreton; @takemyopenheart;

[thorne93]

The Stars Made Us (Part 6)

Prompt: In this world, you’re one of the “lucky” ones who got a soulmate, but what if the universe gives you more than you bargained for?

(Prompt challenge – You live in a world where your soulmate can write on their skin and you will get the writing on your own and vice versa. Where they can wash away the ink on their own skin, however, the writing is forever scarred onto your skin until you meet face to face)

Word Count: 2081

Warnings: angst and language throughout

Notes: This was supposed to be for @sorryimacrapwriter​​​​  and their challenge like a year ago, I think? I still loved the prompt though and have been working on this story for quite some time. This aesthetic was made by @dontshootmespence​​​​, thank you so much! Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes​​​​, couldn’t have done it without you, as well as @carryonmyswansong​​​​ and @arrow-guy​​​​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​

Also, I’ve never really liked the whole soulmate AU thing idea, but this felt so right and it was amazing to write. I hope y’all love it too!!

Hank had shown you to a room downstairs, in the same hall he lived on. You got up early and opened all the drapes, including Charles’s. 

“What in the bloody hell?” he groaned as he rolled over, shielding his eyes with his hands. “What in the hell are you doing?” 

“Making sure you get sunshine,” you informed nonchalantly. 

“And sunshine will help me...how?” he inquired, pulling himself up and rubbing his eyes. 

“It’ll combat a lot of your...ailments. Breakfast will be ready in five minutes, if you’d like to join Hank and myself downstairs.” 

“And since when is it alright for you to barge into my home and take charge of my life hmm?” 

“I told you I was here to help you. This is me helping you, with tough love.” 

At your words, Charles hung his head as his arms rested on his knees that were pulled to his chest. “So, breakfast in five minutes you say?” he asked, a little bit of hope in his voice.

“Five minutes,” you confirmed before sweeping out of his room and down to the kitchen where you met Hank. He was sipping coffee and you made yourself a cup. 

“So what’s on the agenda today?” 

“We need to work on that serum and keep him dialed back, that’s all we can do for right now.”

Just then, Charles entered the room. “Morning, I suppose.” 

“I have Earl Gray and lightly buttered toast ready for you,” you beamed, proud of yourself. 

“How did you-- You remembered? I think I told you about my favorite breakfast five years ago?” 

You shrugged with a small smirk. “You’re my soulmate, of course I remembered.” 

He eyed you up and down before sitting at the place setting that you’d made, and you and Hank joined him at the breakfast table. 

“So what are you two going to be up to today?” 

“We’re going to--” Hank started before you interjected.

“We are going to clean up around the mansion, maybe go grocery shopping.” 

He peered between you two, but you held a smile while Hank looked guilty. 

“Alright, well that sounds… eventful.” 

The three of you enjoyed your breakfast quietly before Charles excused himself and then you and Hank walked to his lab. 

“So explain this serum to me,” you requested.

“It’s derived from Raven’s blood. It suppresses the mutant gene.”

“Which, for you is turning into a blue beast, and Charles it’s his telepathy.” 

“Right. It took a lot of tweaking but I finally got it to do that.” 

“What did the earlier versions look like?” 

“Just suppression. It took away Charles’ powers, but didn’t help his legs.” 

“Alright, so we have to completely rewrite this medicine then, right?”

“I suppose so,” he agreed. “What do you suggest?” 

“Well, this serum targets the mutant gene. Take that target out. Leave the other abilities.”

“It’s not a cake mix. I can’t just dial certain things back.” 

“Well what did you have to amp up to get his legs to come back?” 

“I’ll show you.” 

He took you over to his microscope and showed you two different slides. “This is the original serum, it only shut down our power for a few minutes.” He pulled it out and put a new one in. “And this is the current one.” He told you which chemicals he increased to get his legs working. 

“Okay, let’s start. We need to strip this of the original chemicals. We’re basically making the opposite serum.”

“We are?” he questioned. 

“Well, yeah. This serum will help him keep his powers, the original one stopped them.” 

“I suppose you’re right.” 

“So can you do it? Do you think you can extract the one that helps him to walk so we can work on it?” 

“I’ll try but it will be a lot of manipulation.” 

“That’s fine. I’ll help.” 

“And we’ll have to test this on Charles, you realize that, right?” 

You pursed your lips in thought. “I guess so, yes.” 

“And what are you going to do when he realizes he can hear more voices and walk?” 

“I’ll make him deal with it. Keep this a secret though, for now. Let me deal with the fallout.” 

“I’ve been trying to get him to back off this dose for a year, what makes you think he’ll do it now?” 

This question wasn’t unwarranted by any means. Hank was clearly his good friend, and slightly his caregiver. All you were was a glorified pen pal so far, a long distance friend. 

“Well, I hope I can convince him that he’s better than this. That before the heartache he was a driven, skilled, academic man. That he isn’t the type to give up.” 

“I’ve tried that. I’ve tried the pep talk,” he insisted. “He just shuts down.” 

“Well, what do you suggest?” you wondered. 

“What if we tried to find Raven?” 

You shook your head, laughing slightly at the idea. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.” 

“Why not?” he asked, sounding defensive.

“Well if she… if she broke his heart, what good will it do to bring her back? It doesn’t sound like she wants to be here.” 

“She only broke his heart because she left, she took a different path. Maybe we could convince her to come back, or at the very least, visit.” 

“Okay, and do you know where she’s at?” 

This made him pause. “Well… No, not exactly.” 

“Then all we’re left with is getting him comfortable in his own skin, right?” 

“Yeah,” he agreed with an eyebrow twitch, acquiescing your suggestion. 

You turned more towards him, putting your hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want to do it either. I know it’ll be tough. I know he’ll fight us, he may even hate one or both of us, but if he’s the man I think I know, and hopefully the man you know, he’s worth saving.” 

Hank gave you a slight smirk. “It’s funny you say that, while we were dealing with the students and recruiting other mutants, Charles used to always say, ‘Just because someone stumbles and loses their way doesn’t mean they're lost forever.’” 

A soft smile grew on your face. “Hmm, how ‘bout that…” You took a deep breath. “Well? Shall we get started?” 

He nodded and sat to work. You were right beside him all day in the lab, helping collect samples, create small samples, and help him with the process. When it was nearly nightfall, you took a break and were walking to your room when you noticed Charles in a room that appeared to be a library. 

“Find any good books?” 

"They’re all very good, I picked them,” he noted, his eyes not leaving the book he was scanning. 

“Oh, then I’ll be sure to check every one of these out while I’m here.” 

“You intend on staying then?” he inquired, still with his face in the book. 

“Yes. Hank asked me to stay.”

“Last I checked, this wasn’t Hank’s home,” he reminded in a chilled voice. 

Suddenly you were nervous, worried he would kick you out. “I just thought it might--well he thought-- we both thought--”

"Relax, I trust Hank to keep me safe and keep unwanted guests away" He eyed you up and down for a moment before returning to his book. “I guess you aren't unwanted.”

“Thank you...I know this… I know it must feel like I’m intruding. I guess I just… I couldn’t help it. When I saw your name on my arm, I dropped everything to come find you.” 

He closed his book and turned to you. “I don’t find it intruding. I find it… heartwarming and refreshing that you care that much.” 

A small smile tugged at your lips. “Could’ve fooled me.” 

“I guess I didn’t really want to accept that even my soulmate could mean that much to me. I was just worried if I accepted you with open arms, there was still the chance you’d reject me on account of… well everything else.” 

“I was worried you would reject me,” you countered with a slight smile. 

“Reject you? What on earth for?” 

You shrugged. “My appearance, my voice, my height… I don’t know, anything you might’ve found off putting.” 

“Those are only skin deep. I’ve known your mind for far longer and I’m very impressed and pleased with it,” he noted with a warm smile, as he leaned closer to you. 

“The same could be said for you and your so-called problems,” you reminded. 

“Yes, well, the humans haven’t given me much reason to think anyone is truly on our side,” he muttered with disappointment. 

In a sweet request, you said, “Tell me about them, your powers?” 

He peered at you with amusement and curiosity burning in those crystal blue eyes of his. “Now why would you want to know about something silly like that?” 

“Because up until yesterday I thought I knew everything about you. I told all my family and friends about you, and now there’s this huge part to you that I didn’t know. I feel like there’s a whole chunk of a personality I’m missing and… well, quite frankly, it’s a lot to wrap my head around. I feel like I love two different people right now.” 

“I… could see how that’s possible, yes. You know I want to apologize about leaving you in the dark for a year. That wasn’t fair of me. I knew you were worried. I, uh, saw all the texts.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about being a bit neurotic and obsessive, I just--”

“No need to apologize, I’m the one that disappeared. I would’ve done the same thing. You had no idea what happened to me.” 

“You really had me worried… You still do. I wish I could help.” 

He smiled faintly. 

“So you want to know about my powers, hmm? Well let’s see. They came when I was nine…” 

He proceeded to tell you all about his powers appearing to him when he was small, and until he was twelve, he had no idea the voices were outside of his head. How his family had abused him partially because of his powers, obviously something you didn’t know before. He explained what they were, what he could do. That he could read minds, pull memories out, ‘freeze’ time, cast himself in astral form. He was quite the man of many tricks and you were beyond intrigued. 

“That about covers what I can do; when I’m not on meds and alcohol, that is,” he noted with a quick smile before standing. “Speaking of, I’m grabbing a drink. Care for one?” 

He was already on his way out of the room to the small wet bar in the butler’s pantry. 

“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t think I should,” you said, a little nervous. Truthfully, you were afraid if you got too much to drink in you, you might be tempted to do something you’d wanted to do since you arrived. 

“What’s the matter, something against doctor-patient drinks?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I--That’s not what this is,” you firmly told him. 

“Isn’t it? You’re a psychiatrist who's trying to get me better, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is.” 

“No, I’m not your doctor. I’m your… well right now I’m just your friend.” 

“Right,” he agreed, holding up a Waterford crystal drinking glass, “and friends drink.” He handed you the amber liquid and you smelled it. 

“Whiskey?” 

“It’s nearly ten o’clock at night, think of it as a nightcap,” he suggested, walking back through the kitchen. 

“I’ll think of it as a gesture that you’re warming up to me,” you remarked, some chiding in your tone. 

You and Charles were at the base of the staircase now. 

“Is that what you think?” he asked, leaning in, his face only an inch from yours. 

Your breathing had caught in your throat. You didn’t have the words, any words, really. His soul and yours were bound, just seeing him made you melt, but you had to be strong. You needed to bring him out of whatever this was before proceeding with anything romantic. 

“Then you’d be right,” he whispered, his lips brushing yours before he pulled away and walked up the stairs, sipping his drink. “Goodnight,” he called, a coyness evident in his tone. 

“Charles Xavier, you will probably be the death of me,” you muttered before taking a sip of the drink and heading off to your room for the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

@essie1876​​​​​

@magpiegirl80​​​​​

@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​​​​​

@iamwarrenspeace

@marvel-imagines-yes-please​​​​​

@superwholocked527

@missinstantgratification​​​​​

@thejemersoninferno​​​​​

@rda1989​​​​​

@munlis​​​​​

@thefridgeismybestie​​​​​

@bubblyanarocks3​​​​​

@igiveupicantthinkofausername​​​​​

@kaliforniacoastalteens​​​​​

@feelmyroarrrr​​​​​

@kaeling

@friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo​​​​​

@damalseer​​​​​

@heyitscam99​​​​

@yknott81​​​​

@sorryimacrapwriter​​​​​

@glitterquadricorn​​​​​

@xxqueenofisolationxx

@little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama

@bittersweetunicorm​​​​​

@alyssaj23​​​​​

@sea040561​​​​​

@princess76179​​​​​

@thisismysecrethappyplace​​​​​

@sarahp879​​​​​

@malfoysqueen14​​​​​

@ellallheart​​​​​

@breezy1415​​​​​

@marvelmayo​​​​​

@lyniboy​​​​​

@paintballkid711​​​​

Charles Xavier

@bohemianrhapsody86​​​​

@lenawiinchester​​​​​​

TSMU

@tilltheendwilliwrite​​​​​

[emily-danielle]

Loving him is like the feeling when someone can’t tell my gender

Being him is like trying to change your mind when your already flying the free fall

Losing me is blue like I’ve never known.

Missing me is dark gray all alone

Attempting to forget him is like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving him was red

Loving her was red

Loving them is red

Loving me is burning red

Loving her is like the feeling when someone can’t tell my gender

Being her is like trying to change your mind when your already flying the free fall

Memorizing her is like trying to know somebody I’ve never met