#like we HAVE FOOD. thats so true. but unless im Hungry and not just hungry. i usually snack on things like cheez its or smth small

[lovphobic]

first meal of the day at a humble 10pm. #adulting

[that-girl-lyra]

A (long) Rant About Fitness & Personal Health

So if you're new to my blog, hi, Im Lyra and I am a 27 y/o who is very passionate about fitness and physical health. A few years back I was 165lbs and very unhappy, so I decided to start working out and then boom, currently 116lbs and 18% body fat. (Im 5ft2)

I didnt do that through some wacko diet, restricting my food, keto, whatever. No. Simply put, I ate food, and lifted heavy shit over, and over and over. And whoda thunk?! I lost body fat, gained muscle, as well as mental clarity, improved my sleep health, and physical health as a whole. And another fun fact, I still ate "bad food". Oooo, scary. Pizza, beer, burgers, cake, cookies, if its food, I want to eat it, and I did (and do).

It irks me on a cellular level that some people try to convince others that the only and or best way to lose weight, is to follow some weird ass diet that likely has more health risks than benefits, and the people theyre trying to convince, are already pretty vulnerable and are ready to try pretty much anything to get results and FAST!

Whilst I more than understand wanting results asap, fitness and physical health is not something you will see results and progress with in a short span of time. Sure, you might start feeling a little better after a month of implementing a fitness routine, but you'll look the same, and more or less still be the same. Fitness above all else teaches patience, and discipline. The muscles, slimmer figure, or whatever your original goal was is just a bonus.

Let me break a few things down for you;

Food is fuel, so fuckin EAT

You dont need to be keto, or follow the carnivore diet, vegetarian, vegan, nada. Nothing. Zilch. Zero, to be able to lose weight and gain muscle effectively, efficiently, safely, and be able to maintain a healthy body.

The best thing that I have ever heard regarding food (and it helped change my own relationship with food) is a quote from personal trainer and fitness coach Alex Tima from Hybrid Wellness. Alex said "There is no such thing as bad/unhealthy food. There is only more nutritious food, and less nutritious food".

Too much of anything isnt good, and too little of anything is also not good. Thats why we call it a "balanced" diet.

A lot of fitness influencers and whoever now days are trying to convince their followers to follow a strict diet of only animal products and maybe some fruit, all while eating one meal a day because "thats what our ancestors did!". Yeah, and our ancestors died at the ripe old age of 30.

True, we are/were hunter gatherers, but evolution is a thing as well. Just because back then we could survive off of only one meal a day, doesnt mean we have too now. More so, the biggest and strongest of our ancestors, still ate more/the most!

Bottom line, eat food when youre hungry. Eat good food. Meats, fruits, veggies, grains, fats, etc.

Dont let anyone tell you that youre undisciplined because you dont subscribe to any particular diet.

2. If You Wanna Look "Toned", You've Gotta Put in the Work

After becoming more fit and healthy myself, I have had quite a few people approach me and ask how they can do the same. However, nine times out of ten, they all say the same thing, or at least some variation of "I just wanna look more toned".

Well guess what? You will not look more toned, if there is nothing to tone.

Cardio alone will not help you achieve your goals. Sure, walking is fantastic and jogging is a great way to increase cardiovascular health and stamina, but it will not make you look more "toned". For that, you will need to build muscle. And how do we build muscle?

WE LIFT HEAVY SHIT WE EAT LOTS OF PROTEIN AND THEN WE LIFT HEAVIER SHIT

Unless you are literally training like Sam Sulek, you will not look like Sam Sulek. Lifting weights will NOT make you look "big" or "bulky" if you're not trying to become big or bulky. Just lift a good amount to where its a bit of a struggle, and increase the weight gradually overtime as you become stronger.

That with a little bit of cardio works wonders. Not just cardio or weights by themselves.

Again...balance

3. FUCK THE SCALE

Sooooo many people are obsessed with the scale, being skinny, having the smallest BMI they could possibly get but let me tell you something.

My own mother has been obsessed with not only her weight (shes an almond mom with the exception of booze), but mine for as long as I can remember. Shes done so many diets, taken god knows what concoctions of...whatever, pills, etc all for the sake of being skiiinniiiiiiiii!!!!!

Guess where she is now? I mean sure, shes super fuckin skinny, but shes got diareah 24/7, liver damage, blood problems, thyroid issues, she had fuckin scurvey, and various brain issues and pretty much, delusions. But so long as her weight is low along with her waistline, she does not give a fuuuuuckk.

Guys, its not worth it. Do NOT stress over the numbers you see on the scale or any BMI calculator. Its okay if you want to drop a few pounds, but I highly HIGHLY encourage you to just simply take progress pics instead. Your eyes may lie to you, but the camera will not.

I could go on and on and on about this topic, but this is already a long enough post, and I don't want to info overload you lol.

To wrap up, fitness and personal health is all about balance. Nothing more, nothing less. Balanced diet, balanced sleep, balanced workout plan, etc.

If you have any questions whatsoever, please feel more than free to drop into my asks! Ill be more than happy to answer them when I can :)

[cheddar-inq]

hii time for a bearded dragon / rolly ramble :3

i do not believe that bearded dragons can only experience basic emotions (fear, pleasure, aggression is what i typically see listed or varying synonyms and similar emotions)

i genuinely cannot believe that at all.

yesterday i was crying and shaking after just a lot of stress and emotions built up and i kinda just broke, it happens every now and then and im all good now (its a bad habit that comes with me bottling up emotions and not knowing how to express them properly, so all it takes sometimes is something small to happen and i just snap)

and while i was sitting in my room crying i heard rolly readjust on her basking rock so i went over to sit by her tank, i like watching her and it gave me something positive to focus on

after a minute of me sitting there sobbing, she jumped off her rock and ran up to the wall of her tank closest to me and started kind of moving back and forth like she does when she sees me getting worms, only towards me instead of the wall of her tank thats closest to the worms. i figured she was hungry but she kept doing it even when i showed i had nothing and when i put my hand in the tank, she ran up and put her front feet on my hand which is what she does when she wants to be picked up.

she just cuddled with me. i sat on the floor against the wall and she couldve moved if she wanted but she didnt. she didnt move an inch until i calmed down, and even then she only readjusted. she didnt want to explore. she didnt want to run around. she didnt want food. she just wanted to snuggle.

she has never done that before. the only time shes ever ran into my hand like that is either one time when she pooped and wanted out and then sometimes in the bath when shes done and wants out. i checked, her tank was completely clean.

she wanted to comfort me i think. i dont even think thats me giving her too many human traits or qualities or anthropomorphizing her (i think thats the term for that? when you treat an animal like what its doing are human traits and qualities, like being motherly and needing to be comforted after things, ect) but i think that was genuinely her wanting to comfort me. after she laid her eggs and she got a soak she refused to go back in her tank and just wanted to cuddle. i think she needed that comfort too.

despite everything with science and research into beardies saying they have a very underdeveloped emotions part of the brain and thats why they cant experience complex emotions, i just. cant believe thats true at all.

COUNTLESS stories and videos of bearded dragons doing what rolly did when i was crying. of beardies having full black beards and stress marks until their owner calmed down. of becoming depressed when their owner is on a trip or gone for a while and refuses to eat or barely will at all until they come back, and they perk up immediately.

running to greet their owners, refusing to explore unless that specific person is there, trusting them more than others. comforting them and going to them for comfort.

when we went to the vet because we only had a small cardboard box with no lid i had to just carry rolly in, and despite a big dog barking and growling at her, she wasnt bothered at all and just stayed on my shirt. during the vet appointment when the vet was done checking her heart rate and such, she practically jumped out of his hands and ran right onto my shirt and just stayed there.

today i learned that rolly knows how to wipe food off of her face- she got some mango and before she went to lay on her logs (which she does after every single meal, its right below her uv light which does spread to her whole tank but the logs are right below it) she stuck her face into the gap between them and kept moving her head around until the mango stuck to her chin was wiped off and then she immediately went all the way up and laid down.

i dont see how they possibly cant be smart, at least for a reptile, or how they cant experience complex emotions or feel empathy.

as i said, i dont even think this is me giving human traits to her actions, i think that is genuinely what she is doing. i dont think im seeing this the wrong way becaue there really isnt any other reason for her to do what she did when i was crying- it was very close to the time her lights turn off and she knows that and never wants out that whole like hour before theyre turned off but she wanted to just lay on me so bad. and i saw those stress marks but they faded as i calmed down and collected myself.

i have never calmed down so quickly when that happens. when my emotions explode like that and i just cant comprehend anything i have never calmed down so quickly but it only took a few minutes. she was warm from basking, she didnt want to move at all, and she just laid there while i pet her. having that warmth on me and the texture from her scales let me focus on the positives, same with having her with me in general because oh my fucking stars i love this lizard.

im glad shes still pretty young. shes five, six this year i assume, and the youngest you ever really see a beardie die of age is eight so i likely have no less than three years with her. she has a good diet and is taken care of well so im honestly expecting her to make it much longer, shes very healthy, very active, she eats well and has good uvb, good temperatures, her tank is deep cleaned weekly and the accessories in it are cleaned whenever they need to be as well as with the rest of her tank.

bearded dragons are incredible. i want to get another one when she eventually passes, although i hope i have a very, very long time until that happens. rolly is teaching me so, so much about reptile care and how to handle them probably, both in terms of. actually handling them like picking them up and also just how to understand them.

id love to get a juvenile or baby beardie someday, they sound like a really good learning experience- difficult to adjust to im sure but also a very good learning experience.

anyways yeah. i absolutely cannot understand how bearded dragons could possibly NOT have complex emotions or feel affection and empathy and love. rolly is absolutely incredible and i love her to the moon and back and also please lmk if youd be willing to draw her in an art trade pleaseee <333

beardies are so so very smart, way smarter than we give them credit for (my favorite kind of creature- so, so smart but also literally so stupid i love animals like that), i want to study them when im older, and i do NOT believe they dont experience some kind of complex emotions and some kind of empathy

ramble over <3

[inkdemonapologist]

SESSION TWELVE of the BatIM Call of Cthulhu game, aka Continuing to have a Great Time At The Masquerade! : )

Joey and Bendy destabilised early on, meaning Joey went through the ENTIRE masquerade UNABLE TO STOP SMILING

getting some mixed messages here, Joey

Sometimes u dress ur characters up as rabbits for fun but then you have a lot of emotions about them losing their minds and then u gotta draw them losing their minds while dressed as rabbits... anyway Jack being mind-controlled did NOT help Sammy hold onto his mental stability at this nightmare party in case you were wondering,

ANYWAY HAVE, MORE OUT-OF-CONTEXT QUOTES, UNDER THE CUT

[Sammy is played by me, Joey is played by Boo (inkyvendingmachine), Henry is played by Maf (inkcryptid), Jack is played by Mochi (whatyouwantedmetosee) and Thren (haunted-hijinxer) is our GM!]

[GM] Joey, make a POW roll also... [Joey] Oh, boy, [GM] ...because Bendy was also told to enjoy this party, and you guys just passed a plate of food, and he wants to eat! [Jack] FEED YOUR SON! [Joey] No!!! [Henry] HES A HUNGRY BOY! [Sammy] A GROWING BOY!

[Henry] Henry will look back to see if Moonlight is trying to follow them! [GM] He will see that Moonlight has grabbed onto the railing of the stairs and is hobbling slowly down them. [Joey] *extremely evil-sounding cackling*

[Jack] All Cthulhu Official Dice actually come weighted, to make you fail.

[Henry] Gotta try harder than that, bitch! [Henry] ....that wasn't in character. [Jack] It's in character, but he's only thinking it. [Sammy] That's the golden text you see on the wall if you use the seeing tool

[Henry] My Luck is 68, I don't know what y'all are doing! [Jack] We're spending Luck so that we'll fail! [Sammy] BEING UNLUCKY! I've barely spent any Luck, I'm just NOT A LUCKY GUY

[Henry] Oh, Avedon's here, [GM] There's a gunshot, and he tries to shoot Fowler! [Joey] Um, well, uh, whoops!, rest in peace Fowler! [Sammy] Yeah, that'll sort itself out, let's go! [GM] Moonlight seems to reconsider from telling people to grab you guys, to grabbing Avedon instead. [Joey] Oh! THANKS AVEDON, your sacrifice will, not be thought about in the slightest!!!

[Sammy] Is... weird question, does this room look like it matches the architecture of the rest of the house? [GM] [GM] [GM] ...make a sanity check.

[Sammy] It would be a like, Come on Jack, do you know where you are, shake it off, snap out of it, kind of thing. [GM] Why don't you make a... a.... oh boy, [Sammy] One of my REALLY persuasive social skills?

[GM] This probably just registers to Jack as, Sammy griping about a party, which isn't that strange. [Jack] Yeahhhh, he wants to leave. He always does that. I wanna stay at least a little longer! [GM] That just means it's Jack's job to find them something fun and good to do. [Sammy] Oh boy, [GM] I don't think Jack is being compelled to be aggressive about this necessarily, he just feels like he's Jack at a party, doing the things Jack normally does, and trying to have a good time! [Sammy] Ah, and everyone else is being weird, [GM] Yeah! Everybody's being really weird! You're at this nice party, and now you're in this weird room? The party's back there somewhere! [Jack] I mean not that he's opposed to bein' dragged into side rooms at parties by cute boys, but,

[GM] The table looks like a table that Henry has in his house, actually. [Sammy] Have I ever been in Henry's house? These are questions I didn't expect to need to ask tonight.

[Sammy] Jack, this is weird! You see this is weird, right?! [Jack] Well yeah, it is kinda weird that we're in-- what are we doing here? [Joey] Joey is going to grab Jack's arm, and point to the next door, and go "Party is this way!"

[GM] Peter looks worried... [Sammy] Sammy looks worried too! Well, Sammy looks angry, but in a worried way.

[Joey] Joey is going to scream frustratedly. [Sammy] Is there ink in this room? [GM] There is not. [Jack] Is there a party in this room? [GM] Definitely no, only the party you bring with you.

[Joey] Joey is going to scream again. [Joey] He's also going to kick the door. He might stub his toe. [Sammy] Through all this, Joey is smiling. I just need us all to remember that. [Joey] YES. Also his tail is furiously going. [GM] Bendy is also upset! There is nothing to eat here.

[Joey] Joey is going to try to feed Bendy some ideas, [GM] He doesn't want ideas, he wants food!

[Joey] So.... what happens if you fumble a sanity roll?

[GM] See, here's the silly part. At this point, right? At this point, the best place to do the tasks you want to do, involve either getting the stone out of the room with the safe, or having the staff that Henry is currently holding. [Sammy] So you would arrive, by completely different means, to the same place that we are! [GM] Clearly Joey is inside the safe.

[Jack] Bad and naughty Joey Drews get put in the safe to atone for their sins!

[Henry] Henry is going to channel his inner Joey Drew and round the corner and say "No, sorry about him, we're just here on inspection, we need to check the safe." [Henry] Which is probably a Fast Talk, which I hope it isn't, because my Fast Talk is a 5. [GM] Unless you wanna try to turn that into a persuade somehow? [Henry] I'll do Persuade! [GM] What are you doing to persuade them, rather than just lying? [Henry] *rolls* I failed... I'm gonna push it... [Sammy] *uneasy noises* IF YOU PUSH IT AND IT GOES BAD, IT GOES WORSE [Henry] AH! HAHA! I ROLLED A SIX! [Sammy] THAT'S STILL NOT LESS THAN FIVE! [Henry] WELL IM DOING PERSUADE! [Sammy] That means you have to NOT LIE! [Henry] ....Fuck. [Henry] Okay, uh, there's an emergency, we need the contents of that safe. [Sammy] THATS STILL A LIE??? [Joey] NO actually, THAT'S TRUE! [Henry] It IS an emergency!!

[Sammy] Sammy cannot believe that this is working.

[GM] Bendy does wonder what his plan is for getting out of the safe. This does not seem like a fun party place. [Joey] Um, [Joey] Joey says it's a surprise.

[GM] Henry, the safe does indeed open! And there's a Joey! [GM] Bendy says "Oh wow!" [Henry] Henry tries his best to keep a straight face, like yes! this is exactly what he came here for! [Sammy] (Sammy is NOT keeping a straight face) [Jack] (Straight? In this party?)

[Jack] He's probably saying something like, "What are you doing, he's one of us!" [Jack] And that could go either way. That could mean "No, he's chill, I will persuade you to stop!" Or that could mean, "We are also criminals!"

[GM, as the guards] Then why does he look like the Yellow King's messenger? [Henry] *not missing a beat* We get that a lot.

[GM] Something falls from the sky and lands in front of him. And it's a person! [Joey] Is he alive? [GM] Very much not. [Sammy] How... how Illusion of Living canon-compliant is this Joey...?

[Jack] So... it would probably occur to Jack that this is weird for a party,

[Henry] Joey don't touch it! [Joey] Why not? [Henry] There's runes around it. I don't know if you can touch it. [Joey] Joey's gonna touch it. [Henry] *long-suffering sigh* If you get zapped, I'll tell you I told you so!

[Jack] Jack really wishes we were just back at the party right now, you guys... [Jack] Only bad things have happened. [Jack] Pete's traumatised, Joey's goopy, the Lurker ate all of the snacks,

[Sammy] Can I try to break free from Henry? Sammy's gonna try to run over there. [Henry] At this point, Sam can go, if he wants. [Sammy] Okay, cool. Then Sammy's gonna go and put ink in his mouth! [Henry] Goddammit. I was hoping you were going to check on Joey!

[Joey] You can’t take all of the sanity hits! You have to leave some for other people! [Jack] Says you! You got so many temps!! And an indefinite!!

[GM] Bendy probably is complaining loudly about WHY DID HE WALK THROUGH THE RUNES??? [Joey] Oh! I thought he was going to complain about the party, or lack thereof, [GM] That’s part of not having fun at the party, he’s not into that! [Joey] Well, [GM] This is not a fun party activity!!

[GM] But he doesn’t think it will destroy either of them, if you do it right! [Jack] That’s a nice, way to end that sentence,

[Sammy] Let us hurry! May I take the stone? [Joey] Joey shrugs. [Sammy] Sammy will, uh, attempt to reach inside of... whatever this is, and find the stone. [Henry] Reach INTO your LOCAL boss, and you will find A Friend And Boy,

[Sammy] Is there anything in this room that I can pick up, and then hit him in the head with? [GM] Henry has a stick... uh....there’s a projector.... [Sammy] Can I pick that up? [GM] No, you cannot. [Sammy] It would be REALLY funny if Sammy dropped a projector on someone else’s head. [Sammy] HOW THE TURNTABLES!!!

[GM] ...Can you impale with a rocking horse...???? [Sammy] I don’t want to impale, I want to knock him in the head so he passes out!!! Rest your head, it’s time for bed!!!

[Jack] I don’t think Jack has any plans after this! [Jack] I meant that in the sense that he doesn’t know what he’s doing next, but the way I phrased it, now it just sounds like he’s hitting on Fowler, like, he doesn’t have anything to do after this, are you free? That’s not canon.

[Joey] I don’t know how this will go, [Sammy] Good luck! [Joey] But Joey would like to-- [Sammy] Sammy believes in half of you! [GM] w-which Sammy? wHICH HALF?!

[Jack] I know you said “note.” But my brain at first processed that word as “milk.” [Henry] *laughing* “Did you get my milk, Fowler?” [Jack] He drank the last carton and he didn’t buy more! [Sammy] “I’m going to the store, want me to get anything? *jumps into the lake*”

[GM] Combat Jack! [Jack] *exasperated* He’s not a Combat Boy! Jack is soft and warm, like mashed potatoes!!!

[GM] Norman is wondering to Henry if he oughta be concerned about you all getting what you want out of this. [Henry] .....Maybe.

[dilsdoes]

dont reblog

how do i feel about what i have been through. ive been through a lot, but how do i feel.

i am so incredibly angry at j for taking away so much of my childhood. im so confused because we were both kids, the same age, but she ruined me so much. im so scared of being vulnerable and trusting someone to take care of me because i just remember giving so much over and over and over and never expecting anything in return, because thats not why i gave, never getting anything back anyway. id give vulnerability and get nothing back. shed ditch me all the time, shed beg me to do things with her for support and then when i asked her to do the same she ditched.

i dont know if ill ever forgive my dad for all the broken promises. i will never forget how scared i was watching him slam on our door demanding my mother come out so his family could "come see his witch of an ex wife" while i stood, 10 years old and terrified, and they asked him to stop. ill never forget how he hit me hard enough i fell to the ground and then acted like it didnt make sense that i was upset. it doesnt make sense why hed be confused why i wouldnt want to be alone with him when hes hit me and my mom and threatened to hit me before. ill never forgive him for refusing to pay to feed me, just to make my mother mad, ill never forgive him for accepting an invitation i had to fucking beg for, to bend the rules for him, only for him to not show. ill never fucking forgive him for forcing me to sit all night next to an empty fucking chair. i hate him so much and i hate how much everyone treats me like im crazy for hating him when he hates my mother so much more than he loves me. he doesnt make any sense and he knows it and i hate him. i hate him so much. he used to be my dad. he used to be my fucking dad.

im hungry. we have no food, although well do groceries tomorrow. we often have no or very little food, and even less that i can eat. i feel guilty for wanting things, even food, and i feel disgusting for being guilty. i feel disgusting for being anything at all most days. i wish i was a robot so id never let anyone down. i wish i never needed anything, not water or words, and i could just be what everyone needed. i wish i was perfect so people would stop being mad, so i would stop hurting people, so people would stop being hurt. i hate being human and having needs because i cant do what everyone wants. i hate myself so much, i wish i was something better. i wish i was a perpetual motion machine, whirring away, pretty and clean, i wish i was everything and nothing at all, i wish i was huge and impossibly small.

sometimes i get scared that im not being me withtb my girlfriend, but i dont know who i am. like ill edit a text 3 times before sending it but i do it immediately without noticing. i do this on tiktok and twitter too. i do it everywhere. its so hard to let my guard down when people never know its up.

i feel disgusting. i dont care that its not the right feeling, i feel disgusting and repulsive and wrong all the time, and i know it doesnt make sense but i feel like the most repulsive thing in the world, a pitiful thing, a sorry thing, everyone thinks im so naive and stupid and at this point its probably because i am. im so repulsive. i wish i could scoop my insides out so i dont have to be in here anymore. i wish i could just crack my ribs open and let all of me out, like those spreaders they use for open heart surgery, like an angel maker, i feel so horrible and awful, i just feel wrong all the time and i hate myself so much. i hate myself so fucking much. what am i? what am i? sometimes i hate myself so much i want to throw up because its the closest i can get to scooping my insides out. i wish i could be someone else. i wish i was perfect. i wish i was perfect. i wish so much and every day that i was perfect in every way just so that i could stop wanting wrong things all the time. i hate myself so much. its impossible to be perfect, but i have to be. i have to be. i have to be. i have to be.

i almost died several times in my life. i didnt let myself think about how much i was going through when i was hospitalized. i remember a nurse asked me how i was doing and i said fine, and she asked if i was sure because id said i was fine every day since i came here and i said yes and she said well, a few days ago you tried to kill yourself, and i said, without a hint of irony, "yeah but that was days ago. its passed now." and i just. god i almost died. i could have died. i swallowed 28 pills with the intent of just. something. anything. i just needed some help. i needed help so fucking bad, amd i didnt know what i needed. and my mother watched me pop them out and asked my if i was going to kill myself because she was saying something i didnt like and i just needed some fucking help. i didnt know what but everything was always falling apart and i needed some fucking help. i needed some fucking help. i needed so much help. i got it but i look back at all the ways i asked for help over and over and over again and just said "i need help. i dont know what to do but i tried to swallow a handful of pills. i dont know what to do but i think im depressed. i dont know what to do but i feel like a failure at all times" and i was just told i was overreacting. every feeling is an overreaction. "what am i supposed to do about it?" im hungry, im tired, im hurting, im anxious, "what am i supposed to do about it?" jesus christ i dont fucking know, im 16 and youre 60, please god just help me. just listen to me, just hear the words im saying and dont tell me im lying, just believe me when i say im in pain.

i dont know when im in pain anymore. i cant trust anything unless someone else confirms it. i hate it when people make jokes questioning the reality of something when im specifically asking if its true. i just want things to exist. like theyre not real if its just me. i dont count. i dont matter. my opinion isnt worth shit. please. please give me this. please help me. i feel pain and i just live with it until it stops and then i realise i was in pain. because its gone. once my mom tried to convince me to run on a broken ankle. i dont feel real on my own and im trying so hard to but god almighty its so hard when im still surrounded by people who tell me im wrong.

[zenz-inspo]

Nothing.

It exists beyond the something.

But what is that something?

Is it everything?

No that cant be true.

Cause alittle bit of that void exists in everything.

Including me and you.

We all hold emptiness.

One way or another.

All humans are the same in that regaurd.

Its the place that holds that nothing that variates.

Some have nothing in our heads.

No brain.

Doomed to follow others only.

Some have nothing in our hands.

Poor. Impoverished. And yet... It leads to more nothings.

Such as nothing in ones stomache. Nothing in ones lungs.

Nothing in ones pockets and nothing in ones mouth.

But truely these things will change.

Food runs the nothingness out of the stomache and mouth.

Air runs the nothingness out of the lungs.

Money runs the nothingness out of the pockets.

But what about those whose nothingness is in their hearts?

What do they put in there to fight the nothingness?

Love can fix all things but maybe that wasnt what they needed.

Or wanted.

Im most fearful of those whose nothingness is within their soul.

A soul may be present but the person it holds is not there.

No personality other than the one they fill of their own accord.

No joy unless they make it.

But i guess it must be nice to have no sadness unless they make it?

No anger or hunger either.

They must be cryptids!

Thats what i thought when i met one.

That was a lie. Ive met many people with nothingness in their souls.

They use people for their own accord.

Because they feel no guilt or shame, for...

When nothingness is in ones soul, there is nothingness in their guilt too.

It must be true. Theres no other explanations.

If you hit someone for no reason, you feel bad.

Unless you nothingness in your soul.

If you hit someone for a good reason, you feel good.

You must have something in your soul.

Thats the only explanation as to why she'd beat me.

Theres nothing in her soul.

Thats the only explanation why she called me the things she did and threatened me. Why she assaulted me and made me feel like i deserved to die for being alive.

Theres nothing in her soul.

She dosent know how else to put it.

She dosent feel the guilt of hurting me.

Unless...

Shes just evil.

I like to think she had her nothingness in her soul.

But maybe thats because at one point i loved her.

I loved her alot.

Sometimes when i hurt myself or im laying in bed at night with nothing to consume my mind, i hear her voice.

Despite her being so many miles away, i hear it clear as day.

Sometimes i can feel her grimy, hungry hands touching me.

My shoulder, my side, my butt. She wants something from me.

But she emptied me. She made the nothingness consume me.

Im a shell. A husk. A shedded skin with no snake slithering away.

And shes MAD.

How dare i not give more to her...

How dare i not give up more to her...

I flinch when i feel it.

I wish she'd just leave me alone.

Her nothingness must be vast and cruel.

Its the only explanation for how she could of emptied me and still be hungry.

Still longing for fullfillment.

In the dead of night, hours away.

Years ago when she broke me.

I can still hear her voice clear as DAY.

Whispering those cruel cruel things to me.

- zenz, 2:37pm 1/12/2021

[thewritingstar]

I would ask you 1-100 but that's a huge request and doubt you'll do it, UNLESS🤔🙃

UNLESS....

1. Name- Deanna or as everyone knows me, Star

2. Nationality- American

3. Age- 19

4. Birthday- April 5th

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)- Aries

6. Gender- Female 

7. Sexuality- Bi/Pan (im fine with either)

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)- Dark brown hair, greenish eyes and body of a 12 year old boy

9. What do you/did you study?- Animation

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have?- I work in an ice cream shop just as a job but i wanna be an animator or writer for shows

-

11. Your birth order- Youngest of 2

12. How many siblings do you have?- One

13. Do you have good relations with your family?- for the most part

14. How many friends do you have?- I would say I have about 8 close friends and then just a ton of other friends

15. Your relationship status- single but accepting applications 

16. What do you look for in a SO?- usually a pulse and good hair 

17. Do you have a crush?- kinda but also no

18. When did you have your first kiss?- haven't yet :(

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?- prob meaningful

20. What are your deal breakers?- smoking and drugs and how they treat others

-

21. How was your day?- well i just woke up so i guess good. 

22. Favourite food & drink- Raspberry iced tea/Vanilla Lattes and Chowmein or burgers

23. What position do you sleep in?- either on my side or stomach. Im usually curled up in a ball so prime cuddle position...just saying 

24. What was your last dream about?- I think it was about cake..

25. Your fears- bugs and the overwhelming thought of me being a failure

26. Your dreams- being someone where others can be inspired by 

27. Your goals- to live a life with no regrets (i know typical right?) but also have a successful career. 

28. Any pets?- 2 doggos 

29. What are your hobbies?- drawing, painting, writing, video games, reading 

30. Any cool places in your area?- kinda but you gotta drive to them so not really 

31. What was your last awkward situation?- me stuttering over my words at work

32. What is your last regret?- idk 

33. Language/s you can speak- English and barely any French 

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)- hell yeah

35. Have any quirks?- i can make a guinea pig noise and can stand on my head for a while. 

36. Your pet peeves- having my neck being touched and mouth breathing

37. Ideal vacation- Any disney park

38. Any scars?- only mentally 

39. What does your last text message say? “Shes being a big girl and taking 5 classes.” 

40. Last 5 things from your search history- im to lazy to check but prob youtube or fics

41. What’s your [device] background?- Phone background is a painting from a museum and my computer is a bunch of Nintendo items

42. What do you daydream about?- being a voice actor or a pirate 

43. Describe your dream home- one that looks like a castle

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion- I was raised Catholic but i really dont practice it anymore. I think it its a beautiful thing and alot of good comes from it, however i dont like it when it is used to harm others or defend evil people

45. Your personality type- So i took a test based on the 16 different ones and I am an Advocate type which apparetnly is very rare and less than one percent of the pop are it. https://www.16personalities.com/ heres the link if you wanna take it!

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done- I used to suck on batteries as a child

47. Are you happy with your current life?- for the most part 

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life- Snorkeling in Hawaii (which i almost died), Crystal Cave tour and donuts which i hate

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of?- hoodies and graphic tees 

50. Favourite colour to wear?- black

51. How would you describe your style?- comfortable and sometimes i look good 

52. Are you happy with your current looks?- ye

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?- I want blue hair one day 

54. Any tattoos or piercings?- have my ears and now my nose pierced but i do want tattoos in the future

55. Do you get complimented often?- usually for my hair and i find it happens often 

56. Favourite aesthetic?- Gothic and pastel 

57. A popular trend that you dislike- crop tops 

-

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with?- “Good Night Moon” by Go Radio

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like.- My Little Pony and Sofia the First songs slap

60. Favourite genre?- pop punk or pop 

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? -Panic!, Taylor Swift

62. Hated popular songs/artists?- I wouldn’t say hate but im not really a fan of Billie Ellish, maybe i need to sit down and really listen but its just not my jam. I think shes a cool person and i love watching her on tv and what she stands for. By i hate Drake and Chris Brown for sure. 

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5- Head above Water, Happy when im sad, Love bug, Casual affair, I believe. So Avril Lavigne, Jonas Brothers and Panic!

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?- Im not the worst singer but im also not fantastic and i can’t play

65. Do you like karaoke?- sometimes

66. Own any albums?- like cds then yes

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?- not anymore

-

68. Favourite movie/series?- Any disney or pixar 

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc- YA like adventure books 

70. Your fictional crush/es- oh here we go. Juvia and Gray (Fairytail), Catwoman, Danny Phantom, Captain Hook and Regina Mills and Henry (Ouat), Steve (stranger things), Riddler (gotham) and Molly Hooper (Sherlock) and prob more. 

71. Which fictional character is you?- prob a mixture of Momo and Deku from My Hero and Honey from Ouran 

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so. Am I a shipper? ha. aight Gruvia, Nalu, Gajevy, Jerza, Kiribaku, Kacchacko, Todomomo, tododeku, LadyNoir and the love square, Captain Swan, Outlaw Queen, The powerpuff girls and the rowdyruff boys (respected partners) and like five thousand others

73. Favourite greek god?- Hades and Persephone 

74. A legend from where you live that you like- literally nothing from where i live

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist?- love art and i cant just pick one

76. Can you share your other social media?- i mean you can follow me on twitter at StarsnShortcake but all thats there is my shitty tweets and interactions with my friends and Voice actors lol

77. Favourite youtubers?- Mikes Mic, Macdoesit, Twamiz, Larri, Dan Howell, Amazing Phil, Jenna Marbles, Shane Dawson, Steph Inc, Garret Watts, and like a ton more

78. Favourite platform?- Tumblr or twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?- too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite?- I love anything Nintendo

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts)- Kingdom Keepers, Suicide Notes and the Selection Series to name a few

82. Do you play board/card games?- Yes

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?- nope

84. Favourite holiday- thanksgiving for the food

85. Are you into dramas?- ye

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?- haha ye

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?- no racism, sexism, homophobia and legal marriage everywhere. Also that no one goes hungry and everyone has a nice place to live.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?- probably 

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?- a hot demon

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?- I turn into a goddess

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?- ooo Celeste is a cool name 

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?- hmmm Tara Strong 

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo- either the stars or the black heart or the fireworks

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true- Ive never eaten a chicken nugget, I can do the splits and I have cat

-

95. Cold or hot?- hot

96. Be a hero or be a villain?- oooooo um im a sucker for villains

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?- Rhyme

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?- Shape shifting, i could be a plant

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?- bold of you to assume i would wanna live forever

100. ….. or …..?- :0

--

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ANON CAUSE IT TOOK FOREVER. 

[cloudbattrolls]

Bleeding Heart

Matcha Ginia [GG] tries to befriend Etuuya Vannyn [TT] , who is naturally skeptical of her intentions after they upset her by revealing their true nature and confused by her gift of blood after their second office interaction. 

a.k.a two vampires dance in circles around each other, trying to figure the other out. 

-- twitteringTailor [TT] has begun trolling gladsomeGluttony [GG] -- 

TT: You know, it's not that I'm not grateful, given that Rivali is intent on giving me army rations.

TT: Which I can deal with, but I admit it's nice not to.

TT: But I was surprised when the first one wasn't poisoned, or something.

TT: Not that it would have killed me.

TT: Made me drowsy, perhaps.

TT: Ought I to worry about where you get this from?

TT: Or what else you usually use it for?

TT: I'm not one to judge dark arcane rituals.

TT: Only a tiny bit.

TT: Don't get me wrong, I doubt you're going to tell me, but I'm back in the cavern now and I finished the sweeping.

TT: so I've nothing to do but be a chatterbug.

GG: :V

TT: [snail emoji]

GG: 

GG: [cat emoji]

GG: i use iiiiit to patch up a friend, usually? 

GG: and i get it from another friend who works in a hostilespital, althooouuugh they havent had access lately 

GG: what was the other question? :V

TT: your friend must get injured an awful lot, but that's more of an answer than I expected so I'll take it.

GG: ;V

TT: I have plenty of other questions, but you didn't really answer those, either.

TT: If you want a bit of information free of charge, though; Rivali let up on keeping me away.

TT: Not that they're not going to lock me up, for the peace of mind of everyone else in the office, but you can visit if you like.

TT: Unless this is where you shout 'psyche' and give up the joke.

TT: I'd applaud your dedication.

GG: 

GG: that would be a huge waste of energy :V

TT: Something suggests you have a much-longer running motive though.

TT: It would be, wouldn't it.

TT: Unless there was a dare or something involved, but I'm not allowed to question that now, so none of my business if there is.

GG: whaaaaat 

GG: youre allowed to question what you want!! 

GG: even if im kiiiiind of hurt that you think im doing this to make fun of you 

GG: i just dont think its fair to starve you, thats all!! 

GG: i know how much it sucks to go hungry >:V

TT: If you get upset again, Rivali blames me.

GG:

TT: Greenlet, why do you think they changed their mind?

GG: out of the kindness of their pusher? :V

TT: I don't think they have any kindness in their pusher, dear. I think they replaced it all with ramrods.

TT: No, it's because they're afraid, but they rather value your agency more than mine.

GG: dont be mean, theyre a really nice person! 

GG: 

GG: to 

GG: other people, i guess 

GG: sorry :'O

TT: It's really not your fault.

TT: I don't say any of this to guilt you.

TT: I may not have a bull's notion why you're doing this, but I don't bear you any ill will.

GG: im 

GG: glad you dont? :V

TT: You sound a tad unsure about that.

GG: i waaasnt really expecting you to in the first place, and now im thinking about it :V

TT: Do you want me to be mad? It would explain what happened last time.

GG: what!! >:V

TT: Self-flagellation is a silly route to go down, greenlet.

TT: There are better ways to work out your guilt.

TT: Though you really shouldn't have any.

GG: 

GG:

TT: If I were someone else, perhaps.

TT: Then it might be appropriate.

TT: But not with me.

GG: woooow, youre kind of a hypocrite

GG: :P

TT: How so?

TT: I'm quite lost here.

GG: noooooo, but im backtracking 

GG: how would wanting you to be mad explain last time? 

GG: what did i do D:

TT: I could just be throwing darts in the dark, but it felt rather like you wandered over because you felt bad and you wanted me to feel bad, and then you did something that clearly required some effort and desire to go behind Rivali's back. Not that Rivali is difficult to fool, but it still involves some risk for no clear reward on your part, and I certainly didn't do anything that merited such a generous act. Therefore I can only assume it was motivated by guilt or you're just daft, but I highly doubt the second one. Daft people generally don't plan so well.

TT: I didn't react angrily, so your guilt wasn't assuaged, and you had to find some other method.

GG: whaaaaaat 

GG: of course i felt guilty over getting you in trouble, but i didnt want you to feel bad! >:V 

GG: it just felt unfair, and i had to do something about it!! 

GG: 

GG: and im glaaaad i dont come off as daft to you? im pretty sure youre the only person who thinks that :'O

TT: Don't be silly, greenlet, of course you did. Perhaps not much, and perhaps you even felt bad about that, but when someone shows you something horrifying with no apparent remorse, it'd be a rare troll who didn't want them to feel guilty about it.

TT: It's not something I blame you for.

TT: Perhaps Rivali is right.

TT: At least from a practical standpoint.

TT: I have to admit, your idea of 'unfair' throws me.

TT: That I can't puzzle out.

TT: You know I'm property, right?

TT: I wasn't kidding about being a science experiment.

TT: The man who started it is long dead, but I still belong to the Empire.

TT: Why do you think Rivali does as they please, even though I'm many times their senior?

TT: If I am the only person who thinks that, then your coworkers are silly.

TT: Or they don't appreciate you.

TT: Whichever.

GG: you showed that to me because you felt cornered and wanted me to back off! 

GG: of course you dont feel bad about it >:V 

GG: 

GG: you dont, right? 

GG: 

GG: and of course i know youre property! i guess its just 

GG: hard to grasp? you have feelings just like the rest of us! and if i was in your place, i would want someone to be nice to me >:V 

GG: and they do appreciate me, dont be mean! you can still like someone if theyre a little ditzy >:V

TT: Who said I don't feel bad about it?

GG: you!!

TT: I said apparent remorse.

GG:

TT: You missed a trick.

TT: Now I'm hardly sobbing my oculars out.

TT: And I stand by my reasoning being sound.

TT: But I don't actually enjoy upsetting people, for the most part.

TT: It was a necessary evil, but look at all the effect it had.

TT: About the same as a grub flinging itself at a windshield.

GG: sorry ;O

TT: If you were, we wouldn't be having this little back-and-forth, but I'm not here to wag my finger at you for it.

GG: youre doing a lot of finger wagging for that! ;P

TT: 'For that' being the operative phrase.

TT: ...I have to admit, it's been a while since someone cited 'feelings' as basis for personhood to me.

TT: Even I'm not buying that one.

TT: Zombies have feelings, and most of them are about as sapient as my shoes.

TT: But more the point, my feelings don't really count legally.

TT: And it's not really my concern if people are nice to me.

GG: 

GG: does it hurt you if im nice to you?? >:V

TT: No, but it could potentially hurt you.

TT: That was my point.

TT: Not about to argue that, though, pointless endeavor.

GG: kiiiiind of!

GG: becauuuse its a liiiiittle condescending to try to make decisions for me like this! >:V

TT: See, Rivali's logic is that you deserve to make your own mistakes.

TT: I guess they agree with you there.

TT: Also, greenlet, if I seem condescending, it's because I can't quite wrap my head around someone wanting to be buddies with me after they know the truth.

TT: I can infer reasonings behind your individual actions, but the whole is still very much a mystery.

TT: I have doubts it's part of some elaborate plot, you wouldn't really have much to gain.

TT: Yet who willingly befriends something like me? You're not daft, so it's not that.

TT: A desire to prove your own goodwill?

TT: I suppose that's a decent reason.

TT: Or just to prove you can, perhaps.

GG: 

GG: 

GG: dooooes it 

GG: matter if im doing this because im selfish? 

GG: youre getting food and someone to talk to out of it!

GG: if you want me to leave you alone, i will

TT: Not really. You're not bad company.

TT: I just don't want you putting more into this than you should.

GG: you should stop worrying my worries for me ;O

TT: Perhaps I have my own, greenlet.

GG: seeeee 

GG: you can worry those instead!

TT: You would find them insulting.

TT: So I would rather approach it from your motivations instead of my suspicions.

GG:

GG: :V ?

TT: I'm not keen to hurt your feelings again, for several reasons.

GG: 

GG: you shouldnt have to worry about that!! >:V 

GG: if this is about rivali, i can blame it on my recent breakup!

TT: gracious.

TT: clever, though, they'll buy that.

GG: 

GG: do you think so? :O

TT: redirection is as good of a strategy as any.

TT: especially for Rivali, who loves silly relationship comedy shows.

GG: pffffffffff 

GG: i knoooow, its adorable

TT: Don't say that to them.

TT: They don't know how to handle compliments.

TT: At least on anything that's not work.

GG: i know ;V

GG: i figured that out the hard way, pffff

TT: I suppose the greater mystery is why you want to defend them.

TT: They're not really very nice.

TT: They're obsessed with excelling at work.

TT: Thus they don't want you upset.

GG: thats your perspective! >:V 

GG: theyre trying their best!!

TT: Do you know why I suddenly turned up, greenlet?

GG: nooooo?

TT: Rivali caught me and used a hired gun to shoot me in the pumper six times.

GG:

TT: It's not even because they hate drinkers, or anything silly like that.

TT: They just saw an opportunity.

GG: an opportunity?

TT: I'm a science experiment they haven't been able to replicate since.

TT: I can say without any false modesty that I'm valuable.

GG: 

GG: thats a smart move, though! 

GG: 

GG: iiiiif 

GG: youre not weird like me and get attached, i guess :V

TT: It would be smart if Rivali wasn't fighting a hopeless battle.

TT: They want their cavern to accept them and promote them.

TT: That's not going to happen.

TT: They might as well have left me for all the good it did them.

GG: oh dear

TT: Why do you think they got transferred to you?

TT: Just having them work aboveground wasn't enough for their head matron, I suppose; they sent them further away.

TT: and like their barkbeast lusus with a bone, they won't let go of trying to get prestige.

GG: 

GG: 

GG: thats reeeaaaally similar to my my story :'V 

GG: thats so sad though

TT: Don't mistake Rivali as being like you, greenlet.

TT: They don't care who they have to use to get ahead.

TT: I mean, perhaps you don't either, but I imagine you'd at least pause.

GG:

TT: It's less sad and more born of bitterness.

GG: thats so sad though

TT: Don't project on them, they're more than old enough to know better.

GG: whaaaat, and im not?

TT: You're what, nine? Ten?

GG: niiiiine :V

GG: 

GG: i dont like where this is going :V

TT: Rivali is fourteen.

TT: Bit of a difference there.

TT: They would be old enough to make a lower-ranked matron by now, if they had their way.

TT: Old enough to know their efforts are pointless, presumably unlike whatever you want to do.

TT: Which is another likely difference between you.

GG: pfffff 

GG: dooo you know why im doing this job?

TT: Not a clue.

TT: I'd be open to learning.

GG: myyyy headmatron threw me out of the cavern, because she hated my guts that much 

 GG: and now im sloooowly working my way up here, but theres a huuuuge chance that im never going to be very good at it! 

 GG: i just dont work fast enough, or even smart enough :'V

TT: Am I really supposed to believe you're not smart enough.

TT: You keep pretending but it's fairly plain you're plenty smart enough.

GG: im people smart, not book smart :'I

TT: Hm.

GG: >:V

TT: and did she? that's rather petty.

GG: a liiiiittle 

GG: she ruled with an iron fist, pffff 

GG: her part of the cavern was the most efficient one

TT: I find that unlikely if she was prone to making decisions based solely on personal dislike.

GG: i miiiiight have 

GG: lost a few important documents?

GG: but pfffffff, i dont want to talk badly about her!!

TT: Who am I going to tell? I don't care.

TT: But I'm hardly going to ask you to rag on her either.

GG: youre doing a pretty bad impression of not caring!

TT: I meant about if you talk badly of her.

GG: pffff, okay! 

GG: but then im preeeeetty sure im wasting my breath and boring you to death right now! 

GG: 

GG: 

GG: that was insensitive, im so sorry :'V

TT: How was that insensitive?

TT: Inaccurate, but not insensitive.

GG: 

GG: yooooure dead, right?

TT: Interesting question.

TT: Given that was happened to me was an intentional operation done in laboratory settings, I'm not really sure if I am.

TT: I never actually was killed.

TT: Even if I was, I would have to be extremely petty and oversensitive to be offended by such a thing, though.

GG: i never knooooow 

GG: i keep trying not to step on peoples walkstubs, and then doing it anyways :'V

TT: I'm prone to bursts of pettiness but usually over things that are more worth my time.

TT: Greenlet, I'm a one hundred and several decades sweep old rainbowdrinker whose existence is an offense to trollkind.

TT: It's a bit difficult to genuinely step on my walkstubs.

GG: you can have feelings if you want! >:V

TT: I have feelings, greenlet, but generally they don't involve being upset over things that don't matter enough to me to be upset over.

TT: If someone hurt my snails, I would be upset.

TT: This? Doesn't register.

GG: 

GG: okay :V

GG: aaaanyways 

GG: aaaare you 

GG: happy with this?

TT: Do specify, dear.

GG: weeeeell 

GG: you came here looking for a reason why im trying to befriend you, right??

TT: More to state the reasons why I'm skeptical of that.

TT: I wasn't really expecting you to answer.

TT: If it were that simple, I'd have figured it out already.

GG: :V 

GG: soooo iiiii 

GG: typed a lot for nothing

TT: Not to me.

GG: 

GG: you dont have to figure people out, though!

TT: Imagine for a moment you're a creature who tends to repulse people just by existing, never mind by showing what they can do.

TT: It's unusual if people don't react with immediate fear, disgust, and shunning you, if they know what you can do.

TT: You understand those, at least, they make sense.

TT: and then someone comes along and says that's unfair, even though they don't gain any apparent benefit from it.

TT: It's understandably strange and you wonder why.

GG: i was scared of you at first!

GG: but youre a troll around the worms, and one thats getting the reeeeaaaally short end of things

TT: My situation isn't as bad as you seem to think.

GG: 

GG: maybe i have too much empathy to be a good citizen :'O

TT: It's not like I'm being tortured every night. 

TT: That was part of the deal.

GG: 

GG: 

GG: oh dear.

TT: why oh dear.

TT: that's a good thing.

GG: its not a good thing that it was on the table! 

GG: 

GG: are you happy like this, then?

TT: greenlet, dear, what do you think happens to things like me, usually? tea and cookies?

TT: It's fine enough. I have my snails, I have my phone because Rivali's figured out trying to take it from me is a bad idea. I still have my contacts.

TT: Life could be significantly worse. I'm not about to complain.

GG: 

 GG: okay

GG: im sorry if me trying to chatter at you is weird, then

TT: It's strange but not unwelcome.

TT: If I didn't like it, I wouldn't have messaged you.

GG: soooo i can 

GG: keep doing it?

TT: If you like, though in more practical matters, I figure I ought to repay you for the blood.

TT: My stipend's been confiscated, but I'm sure we can figure something out.

GG: noooo you dont have tooooo

TT: for my own peace of mind I enjoy not being in debt too long.

GG: its not a debt, i get it for free!!

TT: It's still a favor to me that must cost you some effort.

TT: Time is as valuable as caegers.

GG: pffff, not really xV 

GG: 

GG: mayyybe you could tell me the office gossip you hear? ;V

TT: I don't think sitting in my locked room is going to bring me much more than you with your connections already know.

TT: unless you want information on Rivali's cavern, though I don't know why that would be useful.

GG: not reaaally 

GG: 

GG: i dont knoooow

TT: Clearly you like information, though, and I do have contacts.

TT: Some in fleet.

GG: :O

GG: 

GG: i meeeaaan 

GG: i like gossip

TT: gossip is just another word for information.

GG: information about other peoples relationships! ;V

TT: I'm sure that's part of it.

GG: yessss i would love to hear it 

GG: just tell me whenever you hear something interesting, and were even ;O

TT: In a sense. 

-- twitteringTailor [TT] has given up trolling gladsomeGluttony [GG] -- 

[alex-in-wonderlandd]

Honestly i wish i could disappear. I feel so fucking useless and im a complete ass CLOWN for thinking that you fucking care about me still when you dont. At all. And it hurts. Its almost as of overnight you fucking just. Stopped. Why? I dont understand? Just a few days before you got angry with me for something as trivial as waking you up. We were completely fine, if not more than that. It really seemed like it was that “head-over-heels” type of love. And you want to know why i think that? Because you fucking told me it was that. I dont think you remember at all though. The little things you would say to me while you were half asleep in my room.

And you say you left because its whats best for both of us. Thats not true. You dont know whats best for me and my happiness at all. Its not a decision for you to make. You only care about yourself. And i guess that i didnt make you happy enough and i was a tie you had to cut. But im not allowed to be upset over that am I? It seems to you that im not supposed to allow myself to be sad and grieve. But it also seems like i would be marked as a whore andca bitch if im happy and trying to move on right? (Dont worry. Im not though.)

I wanted you to be happy i really did but. Now i think i want you to hurt. Because you shattered me. And you know you did. And now you’re picking up the pieces from the mess youve created of me and stronging them along a frayed red thread thats tied not to your little finger like in the old Japanese folktales. But to your ego.

Honestly fuck you for saying that you love me and that you dont want this break between us to be permanent. Fuck you for saying that you’re probably going to come back. Fuck you for saying that you care about me and that you’re still always going to be here for me. Because you know what. I was drowning that week and when i tried to approach you about it, i was suddenly inconsiderate and it was the last straw for you or whatever and you? Left? Me? During my time of need.

And god i cant even tell you how your selfish timing fucked me over. Not only did you make me drive all the way across town so you could break up with me in person and waste my time, but you really had to do it to me right before my big finals. Before my first shift with my new promotion at work that same night. And roght before summer. So i cant even distract myself with school or friends because everyone is busy with their summer classes, traveling, or work. The 3 friends i do have cant always be there. And i dont even get the opportunity to attempt to make more.

And whats even shittier is the fact that im stupid enough to believe that you’re going to check up on me like ive been checking up on you. I dont know why ive been so fucking nice to you when all youve done to and for me is break my heart, and then get mad at me after we broke up for asking for a little more clarity as to why. You get in my face and tell me that im not listening to you. I am fucking listening but it dosent make any sense?

Seriously how does that make any sense?

“Im breaking up with you because i love you”

What?

No you dont. You obviously dont.

And you shouldn’t have lied about it.

Because all that did was confuse me and hurt me more and here we are a little over two weeks later and i think the wound thats bleeding tonight is deeper and bloodier than the original cut you made when you cut me off.

But it dosent even matter because im not allowed to be hurt over our breakup am i? I bet you the second that i go out with another male friend thats not a safe boy like matthew or will or my two male friends at work or someone you see as a “threat” you’re gonna get all butthurt because im trying to “move on” or whatever right?

Why do you care? Its not like im going to throw my superego out the window and give into some carnal instinct that kicks in and fuck the first guy i see to get over you. Thats not who i am. Thats not what i want. But even if it were, you dont get tobe angry about it because you were the one who left me. You ask if im seeing anyone new the few times weve talked. You claim you’re just trying to “check on me and my life” but quite frankly asking me that one week after we break up at 11:00 at night because i “seem like im doing fine and having fun with my dudes” seems more like an attack.

But did i let it slide? Yeah.

Why did i let it slide?

Because im a fool for still being in love with you and fucking myself up over it.

and you know what else? I dont even know what to do with your things. I have a trillion photos of us. I have your clothes; a hoodie, 3 shirts, your belt, and strangely enough a pair of your boxers. I remember you brought an extra pair to disneyland the first time we went together and you let me wear them after my pants got soaked on splash mountain. I bet you don’t remember that though.

I have the chest you made me only a month ago on our one year. With the glass rose inside of it that you gave to me and insisted that you would love me until it broke. Well there dont seem to be any fractures so i guess that was just a lie too right? And i have the jar you made for me on my birthday with all the nice notes in it.

I packed them up the night before you left because i already knew in my gut what was about to happen, and when i presented them to you after the fact you cried. You told me to hold on to them just in case. And honestly i should have just threw them off an overpass. But i still have them. Because theyre too special to me to destroy because nobody has ever treated me as kindly as you have. (Until now i thought you were an angel. I really did.)

But i also cant stand to look at them without breaking down.

I really dont think youd be able to comprehend what youve done to me. Ive lost about 12 pounds in a 2 week period. Because i just feel absolutely sick to my stomach. And you know what? You made me throw up. In my 11 years of having nausea for what I thought was no reason up until senior year when i was diagnosed with anxiety and gastritis and emetophobia. Ive never actually thrown up unless i was sick with a stomach bug or on an airplane. But you... you made me throw up for the first time out of anxiety and heartbreak and panic. Despite all the drugs ive been doing to make myself feel better like the bottles of antacids and the cases of ginger beer and even prescription medication that was supposed to guarantee I wouldn’t vomit. I did anyway.

My stomach is flatter than it used to be. I remember you told me you would help me get my summer body and i was so excited at first. And you did help me get it. But my heart is broken and id rather have the food baby back and feel disgusted by my appearance and happy than looking fit and feeling...

How am i feeling?

Im a little bit depressed. Im a little relieved. Im nauseated, obviously. Im starving but i cant eat because two bites make me feel full even if im still hungry. Im angry. Im empowered though too because this has been hard for me and im still standing i guess.

But above all im feeling foolish because for some twisted, fucked up reason.

I still love you. And i miss you more and more each day.

Maybe im a masochist. I stayed with the actual spawn of satan for like 2 years. He hurt me. He disrespected me and my body for the longest time. He turned all my friends against me. I was so desperate to get out of that situation, but i didnt. I wanted to so bad. But i was so scared to leave. Maybe i do this to myself subconsciously because id rather be miserable in a relationship than alone.

But we weren’t miserable. We really weren’t.

You dont deserve my love anymore though. You practically cheated on me and i forgave you. You blew up and got angry at me for the smallest an most trivial matters like movie times and jokes in bad taste. I check on you still whenever you post something about wanting to disappear or feelig like crap. I check on you even when you dont post that stuff and ask you how your finals are going and if your family is doing ok.

And that makes me 🤡 of the day because I think that youll check on me too but you wont. Im drowning and you’re standing over me in a life raft just watching.

I just wish i could get closure.

But you know what? Actually i think i get it now.

I love you. But i need to get away from you.

[multiple-nerdery]

All asks

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Done

2. Are relationships ever worth it? If I thought the answer was no, I wouldn’t be in one so...

3. Are you a virgin? Not since almost a year ago

4. Are you in a relationship? Yes and she’s perfect

5. Are you in love? See above

6. Are you single this year? I am not

7. Can you commit to one person? Can have and am

8. Describe your crush done

9. Describe your perfect mate Its my gf of course she’s perfect

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah. You have to know someone to love them.

11. Do you ever want to get married? I could see it happening. I wouldnt mind if it didn’t. Its way too early inn my life to think about shit like that

12. Do you forgive betrayal? Done

13. Do you get jealous easily? Done

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Guys I think I might hhave a crush on my gf

15. Do you have any piercings? I want some

16. Do you have any tattoos? I want some

17. Do you like kissing in public? Not if other people are doing it, but so much yes if i’m doing it

20. Do you shower every day? Who tf doesn’t

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Guys I think my gf might have a crush on me

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? My gf is asleep so mayybe she’s dreaming about me. (also my bff thinks about me she’s gay andcool)

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I’ve done it before

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Doubt it. I won’t even be finished with grad school

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I want to be in the one I’m in

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Ye

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? done

28. Have you ever been cheated on? not that I know of. Since I trust and care about my exes, I will believe they didn’t unless evidence happens

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? done. but it bears repeating. no. I could never

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Nah. It’s too expensive

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Yep

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Ye boi

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? No

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? well all of them are nbs. so... i guess also no?

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yep

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? yeah friendships are how crushes start for me. not my current best friend though

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? More like one asshole friend who tried to slander the relationship, seduce me out of it, and then when it ended for other reasons, almost immediately accused me of trying to sabotage thier relationship for just being friendly

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? I never expected to like anyone.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? All the damn time

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Ye. I recorded a cover once too. I might do that again but would have to choose the song.

41. Have you had sex so far this year? This is the year in which I have had the most sex.

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? As long as the person I’m kissing wants

43. How long was your longest relationship? 2 years, 3 months, 29 days but it was on again off again a little bit

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 4, but #3 is the same person as #4

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? none

46. How many times did you have sex last year? In 2016? No more than like 7

47. How old are you? 18, 19 in 8 days

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I would cry

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? can I say everything she is so cute and perfect oh my god and her sense of humor is great i could just lay around all day watching youtube with her

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? far as I know, he has nothing to apologize for. I’d be impressed he made it from (Iowa?) to NYC tho. And i love presents i always accept them

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yep. She my gf

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Ahngst person. I’m through putting up with their bullshit about abandoning people who care about them. They hurt multiple of my friends, irreparably. They avoided us when we happened to run into them in the coffee shop they work at but then turned around and started low-key stalking my bff. they don’t deserve any affection from me. I don’t hate them, but they can’t be part of my life healthily anymore. Maybe as friends, much further down the road, but they havve to put in the work for that because hell if I’m reaching out to them.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Last time I dated her there was.

54. Is there someone you will never forget? most people

55. Share a relationship story. with the person I’m currently dating, before we were dating, wee were both up late at night talking, and she told me to go look at the stars which were pretty, and she was pretty high and so we went to go get food because she was also hungry and we got chicken nuggets and a pie, and then we laid in a field together and watched the stars

56. State 8 facts about your body I’ve got hands, those hands can type, I’ve got some hair, I have a nose, I have functioning (but not well) eyes, im tall, I’m p skinny because teenage metabolism and I like destroying my body recreationally.

57. Things you want to say to an ex #1: how is things in iowa ya nerd. #2: sorry for putting you through some shit, but I’m glad you value what you got out of it. #3: I love you more than anything thanks for asking me back out.

58. What are five ways to win your heart? gotta be cute, then be really nice to me, then hold me in your arms, thentalk with me for hours on end and finally share memes with me

59. What do you look like? Haha nope

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 1 year 2 months 4 days

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? whether they are a human or a lizard

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? real talk, I’d kind of like someone (who i love and care about) to get on top of me, tie my hands up above my head, slap me a little and call me names. maybe have me wear a collar too. while i struggle to try and touch her. (OR, you know, a loving and caring relationship, the sexiest thing of all)

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? most sexual contact counts

64. What is your definition of cheating? having a romantic or sexual interaction with someone who is not your partner, that your partner either doesn’t know about or doesn’t condone. flirtinng can count

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? passionate, rolling around the bed/floor makeouts, neck biting, hickey receiving (and to a lesser extent, giving). teasing. lots of teasing.

66. What is your favourite roleplay? Never done any of those. I don’t think that’s really my thing. (My least favorite is daddy/daughter play)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? spending any time with my GF whatsoever

68. What is your sexual orientation? asexual, but i’m really sex positive. like. sex is nice but i’m not attracted to anyone

69. What turns you off? trypophobia images. bumpinig heads into places they shouldn’t go. condom breaking. parents coming home thats a big one.

70. What turns you on? being bitten, being pushed down, being challenged in a sexual context, driving esp at night, the idea of doing things in someone elses bed (as long as its clean and they don’t find out), holding hands

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? I haven’t had a wet dream in a long time, and the last time i did, it was about fucking a chair so.... eh

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? any variant of “oh that feels so good oh my god mmm yes right there don’t stop fuck me harder” and various pleasure moans

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? love and cherish me forever.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? does she have a face i could stare at all day and not get bored of it?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? romantically, making out in the backseat of a moving car. platonically, driving the car so me and the other person could make out in the backseat even though we were supposed to go home. There’s more i’m sure but I can’t think of them

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? dunno.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? some age differences are okay. some are not. For instance, I’m gonna be 19 next sunday (not tomorrow) and my GF is 17, 18 in october. That’s an okay age gap. 16-20 is not. It has to do more with experience than age, though, since a 16 year old is a child in high school, and a 20 year old is a grown adult in college

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? who I lost my virginity to

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? my gf commented positively on the photo of one of her past crushes. recently. I was worry but I trust her and I know she loves me

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? last night

81. Who are five people you find attractive? my gf, my girlfriend, my significant other, my partner and the girl that I love (they’re all the same person)

82. Who is the last person you hugged? shit its been a while i don’t even know

83. Who was your first kiss with? my first bf

84. Why did your last relationship fail? she wasn’t in the right place to be dating at the time. but she is now, and I love her more than anything

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? iunno

[punkscowardschampions]

Carly & Ali

Carly: last nite was good of you Carly: saying thanks cuz i read my text from last nite & it was Carly: I cudnt read it k thats facts Ali: nah, don't mention it, no bitch left behind Ali: plus, I know the cunt doing the ditching, been there, like Ali: was trying to translate but yeah, you were pretty fucked 😂 Ali: how you feeling this am? 💚 Carly: yea? hes not that bad Carly: im a slag like he said tbh Carly: feeling like i had a decent nite all things considered Carly: you? Ali: Gurl, yes he is and no you ain't! Ali: Probably Ali: Who cares if you are, he is, and the rest Ali: I dated him for a bit, so there's no shady, tryna steal your man on the sly going on, don't worry Ali: much the same, my head feels like someone took my eyes out and shoved 'em up my arse, you know? Ali: standard sunday vibes Carly: aw you're sweet but it's no diss on me Carly: like ive cheated on him a few times Carly: but he does it too you're right w that Carly: hes a good fuck when he's not too wasted tho which you kno if you got it too Carly: you're single now tho? Carly: can have him back if you want Ali: Fair play Ali: why not call it open and call it a day? Ali: Probs 'cos he likes fighting as much as he likes fucking Ali: Meh, yeah, was passable, gotta have some reason to keep him around, like Ali: Nah, going out with the girl that drove us back Ali: Remember? Dark hair, angry Carly: yea Carly: you know Carly: shit my bad Carly: she was scary is what i've got in my head Carly: idk my head is sketch cant trust it Ali: That's a fair assessment, I reckon Ali: She wouldn't hate it either so you good 😉 Carly: pretty tho Carly: call it a trade up Ali: Yeah, she's cute Ali: you need any more of the night filling in lemme know, I'll do my best Ali: it was pretty standard though, nothing too wild Carly: no faking it w her cuz shes too drunk Carly: designated driver be like Carly: last i see i was getting with his friend lowkey and he went off about it im blank from then Ali: its a fucking gay crime to ever fake it, no matter what Ali: I can get behind that one tho, not got the time or energy tbh Ali: yeah i think him and his friend then got in a scrap and then they left Ali: bros before hoes mentality hardcore, like idk, have fun jerking each other off then, if that's ur vibe boys Carly: k that sounds legit from what i caught on his socials Carly: didnt upload the circle jerk bless Carly: gay crimes must of been committed Ali: sad face Ali: coulda spat on his back Ali: protip Carly: ill let him know when he texts me later Carly: how did you kno where i live? state of me Carly: sorry to drag you this way Ali: plottwist, i'm a massive stalker with bad intentions Ali: I truly don't know, but I'll tell Lene she should be a cabbie 'cos she managed and I don't think we got any puke in her car Carly: k big lesbian crush on me yea Carly: ioher lots Carly: stealing her girl and wrecking her car in one Ali: Naturally, you cute Ali: I'll give you her number if you like, or just pass along the thanks and soz Carly: awh you're cuter Carly: probs still drunk tho Carly: giving me those kind words Carly: you handle the now ex if you love me Ali: Hahaha, he'd LOVE that Ali: ghosts of gf past Ali: Let me and I'll love you forever Carly: go for it Ali: let's see if I've still got his number Ali: this contact list is a minefield of mistakes but the real embarrassment would be getting them muddled up, fo'shame! Carly: i can give it Carly: used it more recently than you Carly: up there at my top Ali: won't be tellin' him that Ali: don't need the ego boost Ali: but tah Carly: makes it more fun to fuck him over if you praise him first Carly: but maybe thats me Ali: like a shit sandwich Ali: I get it Carly: hungry for anything but that rn Carly: [Sends the number tho] Ali: wanna come for brunch Ali: now you are newly gay Ali: that's what they do, fucking sex in the city up in dis bitch Carly: yea? weird Carly: not what i thought Carly: awh first date tho Ali: forreal, even the butch ones, don't let 'em fool you, its all fancy fucking eggs and screwdrivers by 11am Ali: you call 'em mimosas tho, gotta pretend you're being classy Carly: wtf is a screwdriver Ali: Babe! Ali: Vodka and orange juice Carly: i call it that Carly: gays and their labels Ali: save it for the rant sesh honey Ali: love you talking about how men ain't shit as well Carly: thats the ones i fuck Carly: cant be bringing no poshos to a caravan Ali: Posh boys are only good for the money anyway, I'm sure Ali: not finding any in 24 like regardless Carly: not gonna find out if they do drive by now im a lesbian wife Carly: sorry lads Ali: they had their chance Ali: unlucky boys Carly: should prob tell me your name again if im taking it Ali: Ruins the mystery a bit but alright Ali: Its Ali Ali: Ali McKenna if we're being formal Carly: k you've got the hot brothers Carly: makes sense Ali: 🤔 Ali: I think you're thinking of someone else, babe Carly: not trying to have our first fight but you coulda told me before we got hitched, bitch Carly: you're still hot tho don't be sad Ali: so you could run off with one of my brothers? i think not Ali: unless you meant Tommy 'cos he's very single but that's unlikely because he's never here Ali: stuck with me for now, hoe 😘 Carly: a slag like me could do worse Carly: has Ali: bitch, same Ali: we can compare notes, see how many regrets we got in common Carly: yea Carly: doing it Ali: Good, save it for brunch 'cos I'm coming forreal Ali: we don't have to deal with a gaggle of gossiping gays tho, bring you a maccies breakfast? Carly: k Carly: be fun Carly: you are from what i remember Ali: I like that Ali: No bullshit Ali: Imma start all interactions like be fun please or I'm out Ali: ✌ bringing the fun and the bacon babe Carly: you're not bringing your gf are you Ali: Nah, how awkward, meet the missus, honey Carly: like there's usually a lad in my trio sorry Carly: still learning this lesbian life Ali: oh, are you bi legit? Ali: she's way too jealous for threesomes, you're good Carly: nah i just know what lads want Ali: Oh gurl Ali: that's why Lene ain't coming Ali: the lecture you're avoiding Carly: idc Carly: youre my wife now bitch Ali: 💍💍 Ali: Productive morning, if I do say so myself Ali: and we're hanging, fuck with us Carly: good influence of you cuz i havent done fuck all this week Ali: Hard work being a bi icon, babe Ali: wait 'til I get you on the yoga hype Carly: wtf Carly: is that a joke Ali: nah, I've already done half an hour this morning Carly: bitch i had my fingers crossed you mistyped yogurt Carly: i love you but its a no Ali: 😂 lets be really into yogurt, not fancy stuff, like fucking froobs Carly: phallic Carly: slurping on my dick shaped yogurt Ali: exactly Ali: what do men love more than a representation of their genitals shoved in your mouth? nothing, is the answer, bar the real thing Ali: so seductive Carly: they don't like food in bed tho, but maybe thats my technique Carly: thinking you could use whatever Carly: k just gonna dump this curry out yea bear with Ali: spicy Ali: imagine the yeast infection you'd get from a fromage frais Carly: like sorry but if i can handle cum in my eye you can deal with some saag aloo boy Carly: googling those symptoms would be a laff tho Ali: ugh, now i want indian Carly: date 2, babe Ali: 😍 Ali: this is all moving so fast Ali: 'bout it Carly: thats all i kno about lesbians k Ali: Its so true Ali: Can confirm Carly: is your gf gonna be mad that im flirting with you Carly: cuz im scrappy but she's scary Ali: 😂 Ali: Probably but when I tell her you're straight she'll have to chill Ali: yeah, we're married BUT SHE'S STRAIGHT, BABE Carly: can't tell her how many girls ive fucked cuz i dont remember Carly: convenient Ali: Best keep that on the DL, yeah Ali: like your blatant gay feelings for me Carly: k Carly: been a secret before no big Ali: Awh babe, ain't nothing dirty about this Ali: I shall tell the world Carly: you're sweet Ali: Probably not if you still wanna be getting that D but you know, noblest intentions, like Carly: im over it Carly: go off Ali: when your pussy's the cure Ali: how can I be humble now? 😏 Carly: dont be Carly: proud slags who fucking love froobs Carly: its a mood Ali: that is a whole ass mood Ali: put it on a t-shirt, babe Carly: earn some bread for my table Ali: solid business plan Ali: we can't be the only ones Carly: independent women who don't need no dick Carly: anymore Ali: hell yeah! Ali: unless that dick wanna pay the bills, in which case we'll let 'em Ali: so we can get more froobs Carly: point Ali: oh no, someone put a pic of Molly Briggs vomming on Insta Ali: 1. gross 2. who hasn't been there, poor bitch Carly: sad Carly: hope she's alright Ali: I'd ask but don't really know her and her phone must already be blowing up Ali: plus she threw a netball right in my face once and I don't forget, bitch Ali: jk, I'll just report the pic 😂 Carly: they all call me a whore cba to keep track of which mollys or other bitches Ali: She is a bit of a bitch, ain't gonna sugarcoat it so probably Ali: not saying Karmas real but posted on that friggin' TallaghtSlags page so 🤷 Ali: grab a froob, darling Carly: her name makes me wanna party with her dad but thats as far as im fucking with that family Carly: or mum i dont know who picked it like Ali: Init, proper old skool ravers, obvs Ali: think I'm out of eccies, sadly Ali: last night depleted me Carly: Watch me call my son Bennie cos I got anxiety, baby Ali: Cute tho, whole medicine cabinet of babies Carly: why not im married now Ali: We'll get on that, date 3, like Carly: where you taking me? Ali: up the wheyyyyyyyyyy Ali: well, we had brunch, indian, obvs we're fat bitches Ali: get on that chinese buffet life Carly: you can get on your yoga mat tho Carly: im fucked Carly: letting myself go so soon my bad Ali: Please, you're perfect Ali: I'll have all the kids if you want Carly: blushing is what i am Carly: how many you want? Ali: how many people names are there for drugs? molly bennie mandy charlie umm Ali: and our preachy child, frank Carly: ha Carly: tina that's one Ali: Ooh, yes, a gay icon Carly: billy, bud our weak child, cosmic kelly who's gonna have to style that out Ali: oh kelly, I hope you have the personality to match or we've really fucked you over there, soz babe Carly: can't forget dimitri, lucy or mandy Carly: sweet sweet mary joy Ali: My fanny hurts just thinking about it Carly: christine and tina are obvs twins thats a relief Carly: how manys that? Ali: 13 Ali: Unlucky for some but my actual lucky number! Ali: Fated Carly: ha Carly: it's love and keeps being proven Ali: can't fight what's clearly so right Carly: true Ali: you want a milkshake Ali: i'm having one Carly: yea Carly: strawberry Ali: 'cos u so sweet 💚 Carly: awww Ali: I shall be right there, with brunch fit for a pair of proud slags Carly: k Carly: my parents arent here no need to break the news of wedded bliss Ali: Would be a weird first impression but I could rock it Ali: new fave in-law? I think so Carly: yea Carly: cant fight fate like Carly: been said Ali: forreal, catch me outside if you got something to say, lads Ali: alone time with the bae is always good tho Carly: you kno Carly: love you bitch Ali: love ya 😘

[i-love-shannon-bubb]

Every single question you unsociable prick

Shania you are an absolUTE ASS BLOODY HELL1. Who was the last person you held hands with?A girl,, gals being pals :^)2. Are you outgoing or shy?Outgoing3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My friends4. Are you easy to get along with?I would say so?5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I would hope so!6. What kind of people are you attracted to?UHM Girls with long hair and light colored eyes? Around my height??7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?One of my friends from college9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Nope10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Don’t actually remember lol11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“SHOOK”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?!!! “Strangers” By Halsey ft. Lauren Jauregui“That’s My Girl” By Fifth Harmony“Born To Die” By Lana Del Rey“Misery Business” By Paramore“When You’re Gone” By Avril Lavigne

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Only certain people omggg,,14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Ehh iffy about that15. What good thing happened this summer?It’s warmer and I can wear as little clothing as I want16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?LOL YEuUP17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Ye

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Nope19. Do you like bubble baths?Ehhh sometimes20. Do you like your neighbors?I don’t talk to them21. What are you bad habits?I bite my nails and i like attention even if its bad22. Where would you like to travel?Australia!23. Do you have trust issues?Eh depends24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Idk tbh25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?My hips omgg26. What do you do when you wake up?I stay in bed for 10 minutes and evaluate how much I don’t wanna get up at the moment so I use my phone for a little bit27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Just a tad darker28. Who are you most comfortable around?People I trust29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Never had an ex30. Do you ever want to get married?Yeah31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yes sir32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Lauren Jauregui, Sophie Turner, Natalie Dormer33. Spell your name with your chin.nztasha34. Do you play sports? What sports?Yeah, I swim and I do track and field35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yes37. What do you say during awkward silences?I either laugh or just say something to break it38. Describe your dream girl/guy?LOL Lauren Jauregui39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?H&M, uhh, Hot Topic????40. What do you want to do after high school?Go to college41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Depends42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?Im just tired43. Do you smile at strangers?YEAH44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer Space45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Alycia Debnam Carey46. What are you paranoid about?Yikes,, idk if i wanna say,,”47. Have you ever been high?..ye48. Have you ever been drunk?Does being tipsy count?49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Nope50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Grey51. Ever wished you were someone else?Yeup52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?My lips53. Favourite makeup brand?I dont wear makeup54. Favourite store?Idk man55. Favourite blog?My blod56. Favourite colour?Grey, Black, Green, Red57. Favourite food? Brazilian food58. Last thing you ate?Pork59. First thing you ate this morning?Oatmeal60. Ever won a competition? For what?yee, a swimming competition for my heats61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Nope62. Been arrested? For what?Nope63. Ever been in love? Yeah to a famous person64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?FUCK So i met this girl at like a gay prom and like I got her number and snapchat and like we were texting for a few days and we wanted to hang out and so we met up on a friday and we went to one of my school music events and like we left and she drove me home and we were in her car just talking and i went “Wow we didn’t even hold hands” as a joke and then she said “cause you never went to hold mine” and so i held her hand and I SAID THE FUCKING DORKIEST THING EVER I HATE MYSELF and then i said “Lowkey i wanna kiss you” then bam bam chicken and ham i got my first kiss,, highkey if she reads this imma kermit sewerside65. Are you hungry right now?Nope66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I mean they are my real friends lol67. Facebook or Twitter?What?68. Twitter or Tumblr?Never heard of her69. Are you watching tv right now?No

70. Names of your bestfriends? Nicole, Arleth, Aylin, Gaby, Eileen, thats it p much71. Craving something? What?Murder72. What colour are your towels?Its a yankee towel72. How many pillows do you sleep with?273. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?yeah, 274. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?2..75. Favourite animal?UGH there are too many76. What colour is your underwear?Black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?both78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Cookies n creme79. What colour shirt are you wearing?A Fall Out Boy tank top80. What colour pants?Im wearing shorts81. Favourite tv show?Game Of Thrones82. Favourite movie?Ex Machina83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?The first84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean GIrls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Regina George86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Bruce87. First person you talked to today?LOLL My crush,,88. Last person you talked to today?My two friends Ash and Nicole89. Name a person you hate?One?

90. Name a person you love?My mother91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Myself92. In a fight with someone?No?93. How many sweatpants do you have?394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Uh 5?95. Last movie you watched?Guardians of the Galaxy 296. Favourite actress?Im gonna list a few, Alicia Vikander, Alycia Debnam Carey, Sophie Turner97. Favourite actor?Kit Harington, Michael Cera, Heath Ledger98. Do you tan a lot?not really99. Have any pets?2 dogs and 2 cats100. How are you feeling?Eh101. Do you type fast?Idk102. Do you regret anything from your past?Yes.103. Can you spell well?Yas104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Eh105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart?maybe?107. Have you ever been on a horse?|yes108. What should you be doing?I dont even know109. Is something irritating you right now?YEs, myself110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?ye111. Do you have trust issues?eh112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?Myself113. What was your childhood nickname?Nat114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes115. Do you play the Wii?Not anymore, really116. Are you listening to music right now?no117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes119. Favourite book?A Game of Thrones120. Are you afraid of the dark?Hell nah b121. Are you mean?Maybe122. Is cheating ever okay?HELL NO if its on a person, Unless its a test in school then eh i guess

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Yes

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Idk125. Do you believe in true love?yes?126. Are you currently bored?yes127. What makes you happy?Many things128. Would you change your name?N0129. What your zodiac sign?Aquarius130. Do you like subway?the food place? Not necessarily 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Hes gay so thats a problem132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?No clue133. Favourite lyrics right now?“She doesn’t call me on the phone anymore”134. Can you count to one million?Lets see135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I lied to my mom saying I was hanging out with 4 friends when I was actually hanging out with this girl i like136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed137. How tall are you?5′6″138. Curly or Straight hair?I have Curly139. Brunette or Blonde?I am brunette140. Summer or Winter?Autumn141. Night or Day?Afternoon142. Favourite month?February cause thats my birth month143. Are you a vegetarian?Nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Dark145. Tea or Coffee?Both146. Was today a good day?Yes147. Mars or Snickers?None148. What’s your favourite quote?“Time to stop”149. Do you believe in ghosts?Meh150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

“For the first ten minutes, the prisoners were too rattled by the shooting to notice that they were floating through space, the only humans to leave the Colony in almost three hundred years.”-The 100

[eggroll-sushi]

1-150 ask mem

first of all, fuc k yoou

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my mom??

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoing around friends

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

u

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i dont know, ive heard that no one really hates me but like i find it difficult to find someone who i actually enjoy talking to

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i dont really have any interest in anyone rn so... yes? id take care of myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

so far everyone that ive liked is a either a nerd or a pretty shitty person so like ,

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

in what way?? idk im still thinking of this oe guy he had his pants pulled up pretty high with a tight belt on and a big nose. im not thinking in a romantic way or anything i just... it was a weird combination. . ..his hair was ok i guess

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

uh yeah if its not in the brash or crude humor way

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“probably”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

killer - bastille, yeah i dont have any others that stand out particularly

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i have curly hair so we just both suffer if they try running their hands through... but if i had a romantic s/o i probably wouldnt mind bein petted

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yes? i think so

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i hung out with friends a lot.. .i think i dont remember

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah i lovemy mom

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

scary either way.. but the universe is pretty big so i guess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really theyre an asshole mostly

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i havent taken a bath in like 4 years.. but yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

we do not talk

21. What are you bad habits?

being rude and disrespectful and aggressive

22. Where would you like to travel?

europe.. japan.. idk

23. Do you have trust issues?

no

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping and eating

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

i really dont know.. its like an all around tie.. .

26. What do you do when you wake up?

brush teeth and wash face, change into outside wear if im going outside, lotion my face and put on mascara, make tea/breakfast

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

overall just smoother.. like a more even tone.. but darker i guess

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

y ou

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

ive dated.. once but i didn’t even like the guy.. i just said yes because it was like. .mmkfkucin 5th grade and then he broke up with me (i didnt care tbh) and then asked me back?? it was weird because he told me he was breaking up because he found.. someone hotter or something and they said if he dumped me they would date him and they didnt.. .it was wild tbh i dont really know why they did this it was like 6th grade. ......... ... .anyways

30. Do you ever want to get married?

theoretically, yes? but idk it seems exhausting and i cant grasp the concept of someone actually liking me for so long

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

fuck i dont know i dont really think about that buds

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gthhju-asnhhy

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

no unless robotics counts

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i just try to do something funny

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

nice, a kind person, likeable, liberal, ,

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

tjmaxx, marshalls, burlington. i go stright to that mf clearance section

40. What do you want to do after high school?

perferably die, but thats unlikely so i wanna go into a good college, make friends, get a decent job

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

my mind says yes but my heart says no

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

1) tired 2) mad 3) i cant/dont wanna make conversation 4) im just .. zoned out

43. Do you smile at strangers?

if they smile first

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

im fucking terrified of both

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

i have to go to school or i feel like shit

46. What are you paranoid about?

every time im disrespectful, aggressive, or really any action that i make

47. Have you ever been high?

no

48. Have you ever been drunk?

no

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

sure

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

it was a brownish orange (a coat with a hood)

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

ye

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

give myself a massive sponge dick

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont really wear makeup.. i like ChapStick

54. Favourite store?

tjmaxx

55. Favourite blog?

@eggroll-sushi​

56. Favourite colour?

orange? either a peachy orange or a borwnish orange. but i can appreciate a good palette

57. Favourite food?

id say pho but i like a lot of foods

58. Last thing you ate?

oreos and milk

59. First thing you ate this morning?

blueberry english muffin with honey butter

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

recently my team won a robotics comp

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

no

62. Been arrested? For what?

jesus no

63. Ever been in love?

no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

well ... my mo was telling me goonight-- (i havent had one)

65. Are you hungry right now?

yeah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tungle friends are also my irl friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter (i dont use either)

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr? i hate it tho

69. Are you watching tv right now?

n o

70. Names of your bestfriends?

you know who

71. Craving something? What?

food.. savory junk food........olives, nachos, ,,

72. What colour are your towels?

white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two, but i have 3 on my bed

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

i just keep em on my bed yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

4 on my bed (god bless your soul, okoshi, wherever you are) but like.. 10 total?

75. Favourite animal?

cat but i also like most animals

76. What colour is your underwear?

its currently gray

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

dark chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

blue moon

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black with white text

80. What colour pants?

shades of gray

81. Favourite tv show?

su? i dont really watch any others

82. Favourite movie?

the man from uncle movie/ kingsman

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls i guess

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

idk

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

starfish

87. First person you talked to today?

mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

you

89. Name a person you hate?

protein shake (jk)

90. Name a person you love?

my mother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

maybe

92. In a fight with someone?

im constantly in a fight

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

many, over 10

95. Last movie you watched?

Logan

96. Favourite actress?

janelle monae always looks stunning

97. Favourite actor?

uhhhhhhhhh dwayne is a friend

98. Do you tan a lot?

yes?

99. Have any pets?

no

100. How are you feeling?

sick

101. Do you type fast?

not really

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yes

103. Can you spell well?

yeah i guess

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah i suppose

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i went on a camping enrichment?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

no?

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah

108. What should you be doing?

studying for histry quiz

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yes

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no?

111. Do you have trust issues?

im pretty sure this was already asked

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

mom?

113. What was your childhood nickname?

ass (im still a kid, right?)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

when someone has one

116. Are you listening to music right now?

no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

harry potteR?

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes

121. Are you mean?

yes

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no. once i stepped in a massive puddle and got wet like halfway up my calf

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no

125. Do you believe in true love?

n..yes?

126. Are you currently bored?

yes

127. What makes you happy?

friends, having a good time, making people laugh

128. Would you change your name?

no

129. What your zodiac sign?

scorpio

130. Do you like subway?

yeah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

we would both suffer

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you (this is a repeat again)

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

//

134. Can you count to one million?

i could, yes

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

bro idk

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′4″?

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have curly hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

cant choose

142. Favourite month?

november

143. Are you a vegetarian?

no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

eh i guess

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“you’re like shaggy from scooby doo; always alone”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes? im scared of them so

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“’You will blow your eyes out,’ said Nwoye’s mother...” (Things Fall Apart)

[fairyfairypie]

tagged by @theprettysettersclub, thank you!!

1) Are you really ready for 93 questions?

yeah!!!

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?

,,,uhhh no?? ive never been in a relationship?? so no i guess?

3) Who did you last say “I love you" to?

idk probably my mom

4) Do you regret it?

nope :DD

5) Have you ever been depressed?

Yeah

6) Are you a boy or girl?

Girl~

7) Who is your best friend?

@peppermintstars buT SHE DOESNT GO ON TUMBLR EVER WE MADE A TUMBLR AND U NEVER CAME BACK ON

8) How do you want to die?

idk lol probably not very painfully but aware of it??? if that makes sense

9) What did you last eat?

Ahhhh idk what it’s called but it’s like watery rice except that makes it sound really bad,,, it’s called xi fan but idk what it is in english (apparently its rice porridge) 

10) Played any sports?

well i skate and im learning volleyball;; and i used to swim, dance, and do gymnastics + more but i quit every sport within a month of trying it so :/

11) Do you bite your nails ?

YES, SO MUCH ;-;

12) When was your last physical fight?

never??? i dont fight a lot???

13) Do you have an attitude?

no?? not really??

14) Do you like someone?

yah but they don’t exist lol unless u count kpop idols 

15) What is your real name?

Eileen ^^

16) Are you gonna get high later?

no???

17) Do you hate anyone at the moment?

not that i can think of rn, no

18) Do you miss someone?

not off the top of my head, no

19) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?

??who cuts spaghetti??

20) Do you tan a lot?

uh no?

21) Have any pets?

if i did, they’d be dead, but no

22) How exactly are you feeling?

like,,, nothing rn 

23) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?

yeah i do it a lot when im busy

24) Ever made out in the bathroom?

no ??? ive never made out ???

25) Would you take any of your exes back?

no exes,,,,

26) Are you scared of spiders?

who isn’t?? spiders are scary whether dead or alive

27) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

of course!! it’d be cool!!

28) Do you regret anything from your past?

yeah, a lot of things

29) What are your plans for this weekend?

uhh i’ve got my regular weekend schedule, then I have to go to @orangejuicymatsu‘s house for some kind of dinner party, then I’ve got a syncro competition on Sunday-Monday

30) Do you want to have kids?

kids scare me, no

31) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?

my mom!!

32) Do you type fast?

not horribly fast, but not too slow either

33) Do you have piercings? How many?

no, but piercings look cool

34) Want any more?

yeah, maybe some ear piercings when i get older.., needles tho

35) Can you spell well?

nopee

36) Do you miss anyone from your past?

not really bc i can remember probably three ppl from my past

37) What are you craving right now?

ice cream

38) Ever been to a bonfire party?

not that i can remember,,,maybe

39) Have you ever been on a horse?

probably, but horses r big

40) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?

no??

41) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

not that i know?

42) Have you ever been cheated on?

can’t be cheated on if you’ve never been in a relationship

43) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

no...

44)Would you live with someone without marrying them?

yeah of course my parents lol

45) What should you be doing?

HOMEWORK

46) What’s irritating you right now?

my complete inability to do homework

47) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

no not really

48) Does somebody love you?

idk ???

49) What is your favorite color?

PINKKKKK

50) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

ya

51) Do you have trust issues?

well idk honestly

52) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yeah i think so

53) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

,,,i have no exes

54)Who was the last person you cried to?

i honestly have no clue lol

55) Do you give out second chances too easily?

yeahh 

56) Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forget

57) Is this year the best year of your life?

its 2017, no

58) What was your child hood nickname?

i’ve never really have a nickname

59) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no

60) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 

yea

61) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 

uhh read fanfics lol

62) Do you socialise often?

not too much but i do sometimes

63) What is bothering you?

I STILL HAVENT DONE MY HOMEWORK

64) Have you ever been out of your state?

yeah,, ive been to over 30 states 

65) Do you play the Wii?

not really

66) Are you listening to music right now?

yeahhh

67) Do you like Chinese food?

I eat it everyday, eh

68) Do you know your fathers b- day?

UHm i think its September 21st ???? no lol

69) Are you afraid of the dark?

well yeah

70) Is cheating ever okay?

no

71) Are you mean?

not usually no

72) Can you keep white shoes clean?

not really lol

73) Do you believe in true love?

yeah

74) Do you like the outside?

yeah!!! esp when it’s warm or sunny or just nice weather!!

75) Are you currently bored?

not really but kinda,,, 

76) Do you wanna get married?

idk maybe

77) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

no thats kinda weird to me

78) Are you hungry?

no but i want sweet food lol

79) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

no...

80) What makes you happy?

my friends, my followers, ppl who r cool and nice, anime, cute things + more

81) Would you change your name?

no not really

82) Ever been to Alaska?

no, but im going this summer

83) Do you watch the news?

no lol

84) What’s your zodiac sign?

Aries~

85) Do you like Subway?

its okay, better than mcdonalds

86) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

no bc that was my mom

87) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

freak out lol

88) Do you talk like your friends?

do i? a bit yeah,, ive noticed lol

89) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?

all the time in public 

90) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

not that i can think of

91) Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

one of the alexs -.- 

92) Does it matter if your boyfriend smokes?

eh i mean,,, a bit

93) Can you count to one million?

well yeah but im not doing it rn

ey so im tagging (you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to):@ruyi, @orangejuicymatsu, @fadeslikewhispers. @yolkygoblin, @yew2, @mothsky, and anybody who wants to do this! 

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt. 

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE