#like yeah idc about notes but I don’t want to spend hours on something that means smth to me and then have it fed to an algorithm

[loverboydotcom]

also waking up realising I posted an excerpt that I didn’t really want to post in hindsight but it’s okay bc this sites algorithm is so fucking bad barely anyone saw it 👍

[electricbarnes]

tell me you still see me

steve rogers x reader

summary: steve has been working a lot lately. you begin to have doubts about your relationship.

↳ songs i listened to for inspiration 

wc: 5.9k | warnings: some angst, overthinking, self-doubt, implied smut 

note: this is a repost from my old account that was deleted. so if it’s familiar, that’s why! i wasn’t planning on reposting but i read it over and decided why not. i have another steve fic that i’m almost done with, so i wanted to post this in the meantime. i made a few minor edits. i hope you like it! and if you decide to reread it, thank you x1000 !!

You arrive at your apartment, hands filled with groceries for the week. You struggle to open the door with the many bags on your arms, but eventually make it inside. You kick off your heels and set the bags down on the kitchen counter. After freeing your hands, you reach into your purse to find your phone. You unlock it and tap on the first name at the top of your recent calls.

The phone rings for a bit before you hear the sound of your boyfriend’s voice saying “Hello”.

“Oh my god Steve, you’re never gonna believe what I saw at the store just now,” you say, thinking of the wild thing you witnessed during your shopping trip. It’s not everyday that you see someone throw themselves into a cereal box display. It was a hilarious sight and you just wanted to tell someone about it.

“So, I was just strolling through the isles looking for some snacks when a-” you’re cut off before getting too into the story.

“Honey, can this wait? I’m about to go into a mission briefing,” Steve says in a hushed tone. Immediately, you feel guilty for interrupting him while he’s busy. It was well into the evening and you had assumed he wouldn’t be working.  

“Oh, uh yeah of course! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything,” you apologize.

“That’s okay,” he reassures you, “I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, talk to you later then.”

The phone beeps, indicating the call was over. You sigh and go back to the task of putting your groceries away.

You decide to lounge around the rest of the day, trading your work clothes for some comfy sweats and a tee shirt. You spend the night mindlessly scrolling through social media while reruns of some sitcom play on the tv. You even send Steve a few memes here and there. You’re not really sure if he’ll understand them but they reminded you of him.

After eating a late dinner, you channel surf for a bit before putting on a random movie. When the movie finishes, it’s nearly 11pm and you realize that Steve hasn’t called you back. You pick up your phone, tempted to call him but decide it’s better to wait till tomorrow. He hasn’t replied to your texts, so there’s a chance he’s still busy despite the late hour.

Unfortunately for you, being a superhero is a full time job, which means that Steve can be busy at any moment of any day. You knew this going into a relationship with thee Captain America. To be fair though, you didn’t think you’d actually get to know the super soldier like you do now.  

When you met Steve, he was just some handsome guy at the park who helped you with directions when you were visibly lost. You ended up seeing him at the park again a couple days later. Recognizing you, he stopped and asked if you wanted to get a coffee. Who were you to deny this man?

You spent two hours in a café getting to know each other before exchanging numbers. In hindsight, his vague answers about his career were a little suspicious. It wasn’t until you went home that night and saw a picture of Steve in a tweet captioned “idc that captain america is like 100 yrs old, he can still get it 😍”.

Needless to say, you were shocked. While you were feeling dumb for not recognizing him sooner, you also wondered why he didn’t say anything. After an awkward confrontation about the subject, he explained how he didn’t want you to go out with him just because he was Captain America. You were quick to ease his worries and reassure him that you were interested in Steve for Steve, not for his heroic persona.

Since then, your relationship with Steve has been nothing but amazing. He was always so sweet with you, taking you on simple but romantic dates. There was something about that 40s charm that was so endearing. You loved the small things, like how he would always open the door for you or how he would bring you flowers on each date. It was so easy to talk to him about anything and everything. You felt like he was not only your boyfriend, but also your best friend.

There were times where you wondered why he ever picked you, an average person compared to the super people he’d work with everyday. He could’ve had anyone he wanted. Steve would say that you were like his sanctuary from the hectic world of being an Avenger. It meant a lot to you that you could be that person for him. You thought he deserved some peace after everything he’s been through. He wanted to protect you from the evil that inherently came with the job, which you understood, so he rarely spoke about the missions he’d go on. The less you knew the better. Though sometimes, you would wish he’d open up more about what was going on while he was away. Especially since he would be gone for days on end.

It was only a month into your relationship that you realized how hard it’d be when he would leave to be Captain America. It was his first time leaving for a mission that lasted longer than a day. He had to spend a week in some place on the other side of the world with no way of contacting him. Of course, you were worried the entire time he was gone. Despite trying to distract yourself with work and personal tasks, Steve was always at the forefront of your mind.

You had never felt such relief than the day he called you after a whole week of silence. Steve had even asked you shyly if he could come over that night. You felt butterflies in your stomach when he told you that he needed to see you. It was the first time he had spent the night at your place. Having Steve’s arms wrapped around you the entire night just felt right. You knew as early as then that you loved him.

Over the year that you had been together, those long missions became easier to manage. You’d always trust that he’d come back to you in one piece. Steve would sometimes feel guilty about being away for so long that he’d try to make it up to you by taking you on an extraordinary date. But you always assured him that you were happy to just be with him, even if it was just something like the two of you watching a movie at your place.

Lately, Steve has been more distant with you. You’ve chalked it up to the fact that there’s a literal distance between you two since he’s moved upstate to the newly built Avengers compound. Before, he was just a short drive away from the Avengers tower to your apartment. Now, he’s hours away from you. There were discussions of you moving in with him, but your job was in the city and you couldn’t leave that behind.

You both decided to make the best of the situation, calling and texting whenever possible. FaceTiming was the usual occurrence throughout the week, often before bed. You’d tell him about your day in the office and he’d tell you about the new recruits he would train. On the weekends, he’d stay over at your place. It was rare that you’d stay at the compound. Steve said he’d preferred your apartment, claiming it was homier than the compound. Plus, you’d actually have some privacy.

For a long time, it had been a good system. You love Steve and did anything to make the relationship work because he’s worth it. Yet, you couldn’t help the lonely nights where you wondered if he felt the same.

Calls were less frequent. Texts were unanswered. Weekend plans were cancelled because Steve would be assigned to missions during those days. You’d understand, of course. He’s out there saving people! You can’t fault him for that, but it doesn’t stop you from missing him.

Now, it had been almost two weeks since you’d last seen him in person. You had texted him throughout the day, but texting wasn’t his favorite thing. Texts were usually reserved for quick check-ins and reminders of I love you’s. He preferred calling and you did too, hearing his voice was much better.

After learning that he had been back from a short mission, you texted him.

You: FaceTime later? ☺️

You were eager to see him, even if it was through a screen. You were just hoping he had the time.

Steve ♡: Sure.

Later that night, you sat on your bed with your laptop, opening up FaceTime. After a few rings, Steve’s face appears on the screen. A smile immediately breaks out on your face.

“Hi babe!” you say cheerily, finally getting to see your boyfriend after what felt like forever.

“Hi honey,” he says with a soft smile.

Your smile dims a bit, eyebrows furrowing when you recognize the background. “Are you still in your office?” It was pretty late and you assumed he’d be in bed by now.

“Yeah, I was finishing up on some mission reports,” he explains, shuffling some papers on his desk.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you’d be done by now,” you apologize, recalling the last time you had interrupted him from his work.

“No, no” he waves his hand, “I thought I’d be done by now too, but it’s a lot more than I expected.”

You frown at the thought of your boyfriend overworking himself. You want to ask him about it, but you know he’ll say what he always does when you ask about his missions: It’s classified.

“You’re not stressing yourself out too much, are you Steve?” you ask, concern evident in your voice. Even through the hazy quality of the webcam, you can see the tired look in his eyes.

“Never,” he says with a smirk.

“Somehow, I don’t believe you,” you say with a teasing tone.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about honey,” he reassures you. “Besides, I wanna know what you’ve been up to.”

You scoff, “well, it’s definitely not nearly exciting as your week must’ve been.”

“I still wanna know,” he says with that boyish grin you love.

Steve always knew how to make those butterflies appear. You end up telling him about the incident you witnessed at the store which makes him laugh as he imagines the odd sight. He tells you about a prank Tony pulled on him and Sam and you beg him to send you the recording of it. He refuses, but you know you’ll get your hands on the footage eventually. Things felt normal again, just talking to him.

“So I was mixing the dough and halfway through I realized I completely forgot about the eggs,” you were in the middle of telling him about the new recipe you ended up ruining earlier this week.

Steve hums in response. You notice him looking to the side, not looking at the screen and you hear the sound of typing.

“and then a blue monster broke into my apartment,” you make up in an attempt to get his attention.

“Mhmm”

“and he stole all the cookies,” you continue.

“Hmm”

“Steve,”

Silence.

“Steve,” you say with a little more force.

“Huh?” he finally looks up at the screen.

“You’re not listening to me,” disappointment laces your voice.

“I was,” he quickly defends but you don’t buy it.

“Uh huh,” you cross your arms and lean back against your headboard. “What was I talking about?”

Steve glances elsewhere, not meeting your eyes when he mumbles “something about a party?”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes. “yeah, like 10 minutes ago.”

“I’m sorry honey, I was listening, really… but these reports need to be done,” he says with an apologetic look on his face.

You couldn’t stay mad at him, but you did feel hurt that he would pretend to listen rather than just telling you something.

“Okay,” you sigh. “I’ll let you get back to work.”

He must notice the disappointment on your face because he apologizes once more.

“I’ll make it up to you honey,” he promises.

“Are you coming this weekend?” you ask hopefully. He couldn’t come last weekend and you were missing him terribly.

“Of course,” he gives you a tired smile that you return.

“Okay, finish those reports and get some sleep,” you instruct, emphasizing the last part.

“Yes ma’am,” he raises his hand, mock saluting you which makes you giggle.

“Goodnight Stevie, I love you,”

“Love you too sweetheart”

The call ends and you go to bed with a smile on your face.

The rest of the week goes by quickly. You’re excited to get to the weekend because that means you can finally see your boyfriend, in person! Not just behind some screen. It’s been almost three weeks since the last time he came over and you miss his touch.

It was Friday afternoon and you were sitting at a small table in the cafe you frequent, taking a lunch break. Halfway through your break, you got a call from Steve. You were a little surprised to see his picture pop up on your phone since you’re usually the one to call him. Nevertheless, you smiled and answered “Hi babe.”

“Hey honey,” he greets.

“I’m glad you called, I was thinking of picking up a few things from the store after work today. Do you need anything?”

“Uh… about that,” he says in a low voice. Your heart immediately sinks, already knowing what he’s going to say next.

“You’re not coming.” A statement, not a question.

“I’m sorry honey. A mission came up and we leave tonight,” he explains and you almost want to laugh. Of course he’s leaving again.

“How long?” you ask. Maybe it’s just for a day and he can still come on Saturday or even Sunday.

“Two days… maybe three,”

You take a moment to process his words. Part of you saw this coming. It seemed too good to be true that you’d finally have him all to yourself. You glance up, trying to fight the sudden feeling of tears in your eyes. You didn’t want to cry in the middle of a busy café.

“There’s… there isn’t a chance you can skip this one?” you hesitantly ask. Normally, you’d just accept it, but your patience was running thin. This is the second time in a row he’s cancelled on you.

“You know I can’t. This is important,” he says it so sternly, like he doesn’t realize he’s breaking your heart. The missions are always important. More important than you.

“Yeah, but you’ve been working nonstop. I mean, don’t you want a break? Aren’t there others who can go instead?” you argue, voice raising.

“Y/N, I’m going. I have to,” he insists, leaving no room for an argument. You knew how stubborn Steve could be, so you knew he wasn’t going to change his mind on this. Rationally, you knew he probably had no choice in the matter but you took a chance anyways.

“Okay,” you relent.

You can hear Steve sigh before saying, “I’ll make it up to you.”

He’s been saying that a lot lately, but you know they’re empty promises.

“Okay.”

“I love you,” he says much softer than his previous tone.

“Love you too,” you say back, but your heart hurts.

Before you met Steve, sleeping alone wasn’t so bad. Some nights you would be on your phone, scrolling through social media till you eventually got sleepy. Other times, you’d lie in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about your day and mentally planning the next. Too often you found yourself overthinking about something you did, something you wish you could change. Or you would be anxious about something coming up, running through different scenarios of how it’d go. For some reason, your mind wouldn’t let you succumb to the sleep that your body desperately needed. But you were used to it.

Then Steve came along and he’d be there to ease your mind. On the nights he would stay over, sleep came much easier. There would still be nights where your mind kept you awake, but Steve would be lying right next to you. You’d be on his chest, his hand soothingly rubbing your back as you told him about that meeting you were nervous about or how you got in trouble by your boss for a simple mistake. Steve would assure that everything would be okay and you found it easy to believe him.

He always knew when you needed a distraction from your worries, bringing up mundane things like last night’s baseball game or telling you about the modern music he actually started to like. Sometimes, he’d tell you a story from his life in the 40s. Stories like how his friend Bucky would drag him all over town, trying to find a date for the evening. Or about that time he had to star in an action movie when he just started out as Captain America (which you made a mental note to find later on Youtube). You loved hearing about Steve’s old life, curious about what made him into the man you love today.

Sometimes he’d just entertain your wild thoughts, especially when you’re half asleep. Conversations like how different life would be if dinosaurs never went extinct or if flat earth conspiracists were right. You’d be lying with your back to his chest, his arms wrapped around your waist while you mumbled any thoughts that came to mind. He’d listen till he heard your soft snores and he’d give you a gentle kiss on your head before he’d fall asleep too.

Then there would be nights where words would rarely be spoken. A night of soft moans as he took care of your body in ways only he knew how. He’d whisper praises, drawing out moans from you as he hit all the right spots. It was always different and exciting. You never knew what to expect, but he would always be so loving. You’d always stay close, basking in the afterglow.  

After having the comfort of Steve in the night, the times he’s not there feel a lot lonelier than before.

Like now, you’ve got your eyes closed but you’re not sleeping. Your thoughts seem louder than ever and they’re all about Steve. It probably doesn’t help that you decided to wear one of his tee shirts to bed, the faint smell of him making you miss him even more. After he cancelled on you (again) this past weekend, you started to wonder if he even wanted to see you at all.

You want to be mad at him, but how can you be? He’s Captain America! He has a responsibility that he can’t ignore, not even for his girlfriend. Lately, you can’t help but be worried at how many missions he’s been going on. To make matters worse, you’re left in the dark about all of it. He says it’s safer if you don’t know. You just have to trust him and trust that he needs to go.  

But what if he doesn’t actually need to? What if he wants to go so he doesn’t have to see you. Okay, that’s extreme, but it’s a possibility? It seems like he doesn’t even want to talk to you at all sometimes. You’re always the one texting and calling. It’s never really him unless it’s to let you down (again). Maybe you’re just being needy. Were you asking for too much? Are you overreacting? Probably. But it’s normal to be upset about not seeing your boyfriend for weeks, right?

You shake your head, trying to get rid of these thoughts. You pick up your phone from the nightstand. The clock reads 3:12am. You unlock your phone and open your messages to see the last few texts Steve sent.

Steve ♡: I’m sorry.

You: just be safe

             —

Steve ♡: I’m back.

You: okay

Your thumb hovers over the call button for a good bit, contemplating if you want to bother him so late at night. Before you can overthink it, you hit the button. You turn to lay on your side with the phone against your ear, anxiously waiting for the ringing to stop.

“Hello,” Steve answers, voice deep and filled with sleep. You feel guilty for waking him up, but at the same time feel relief at the sound of his voice.

“Hi,” you say shyly. Honestly, you weren’t expecting him to actually pick up. You were prepared to just leave a voicemail.

“Is something wrong?” he mumbles.

“No, no. There’s nothing wrong… I just…” you can feel the heat rising in your face, suddenly embarrassed for some reason. “I just miss you,” you say quietly, not even sure if he’s heard you.

You can hear the shuffling of sheets.

“I miss you too sweetheart,” he says and it warms your heart for a moment, “and as much as I wanna talk right now, I have to be up in a couple hours for a mission.”

“Oh,” the small smile you had on your face quickly disappears. You had no idea he was leaving again even though he just got back the day before.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay hon?” he says tiredly.

You feel a lump in your throat forming but you push past it, “yeah… yeah, of course.”

“Love you,”

“Love you too,” you practically whisper.

The phone call ends and the tears start to slide down your face. You didn’t have the energy to fight them anymore.

The last call you had with Steve a few days ago left you torn between logic and your emotions. You knew he was just tired, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that something had changed between you two. In the past, he never seemed to mind talking to you, even in the odd hours of the morning. You always believed that you guys were so in sync. It seemed like he knew when you needed comfort and would be there to provide it.

You would be able to tell when something was off with Steve and though you would always offer to talk about it, he would brush it off. Thinking back to it, maybe he never really opened up to you for a reason.

You began to question if you are more invested in this relationship than he is. It feels wrong to even think so, considering how sweet and caring he is, especially with you. But everyone has their limits, right? Maybe he’s just gotten tired of you. It’s clear that work is his number one priority right now, maybe he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend anymore. He always makes promises of making it up to you another time, but maybe there will never be another time.

The thought of him leaving completely sends a pang of hurt to your heart.

You: can we talk?

You had sent Steve that text what felt like forever ago, but in reality has only been 20 minutes. You had spent that time repeating in your head what you were going to tell him while you paced back and forth around your living room. You were going to ask for a break. You didn’t want to break up with him completely, no, but you thought that this would be better in the long run. You’re hoping a break will give him the space he needs and then you guys can go back to the way you were. You figured it was better to let him focus on being a hero. You didn’t want to become the clingy girlfriend that he’d eventually resent.

You had no idea how he would react. Maybe he would agree. It’ll be tough, but every couple goes through something like this, right? Sure, it’s a special circumstance with you dating an Avenger, but other people have busy partners. You wonder how they manage a relationship when they don’t see each other so often. Maybe you were giving up too easily? But you’re tired of feeling pushed aside, like you aren’t his priority when he’s at the top of your list. You’re tired of feeling guilty for being upset when he can’t come see you. You’re just tired of feeling like you’re losing him.

Just as you start to doubt your whole plan, your ringtone breaks the silence. You pick up your phone with a shaky hand and tap on the answer button.

“Hello,” you say, hoping he doesn’t notice the nervous tone of your voice.

“Hey honey, you wanted to talk?”

“Uh, yeah…” you reply, already struggling to keep your voice even.

“Is everything alright?” he’s concerned and you can imagine the look on his face.

“Yeah…yeah,” you lie, “I uh… I just wanted to talk… about us.”

“Listen honey, I’m sorry about last week but it was really-“ he begins to apologize, but you shake your head, not wanting to hear another excuse.

“It’s more than that Steve,” you interrupt.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” you hesitate, trying to gather your thoughts. “Do you realize it’s almost been a month since we’ve last seen each other?”

There’s a pause before he answers, “…I didn’t know it had been so long.”

“Do you even care?” you ask, voice giving in to the mix of anger and sadness you feel. The tears begin to well up in your eyes.

“Of course I care, you know I do” he defends.

“Do I though?” you question. The rehearsed words you mentally prepared are long gone. “…I’ve been sitting here thinking of what I’m doing wrong because I feel like something’s changed between us.”

“What are you talking about?” he sounds genuinely confused, “Nothing’s changed.”

“Steve… we don’t talk like we used to, I barely get to see you. I miss you all the time.”

“I know I’ve been working a lot lately,“ he acknowledges.

“And I don’t blame you for that,” you clarify.

“I know how important your job is, but… but I’m feeling a little left out here,” your voice cracks at the end. You wipe the few tears that started to fall down your face. “I mean, I feel like I barely know that part of your life. You’re gone most of the time and you never talk to me about it.”

“I can’t, for your safety. We’ve discussed that.”

“Yeah and I thought I could handle it, but you’re giving me nothing here,” you argue. “I wanna be there for you Steve, but it’s hard when you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

“I... I can’t. I want to but it’s better if you don’t know,” he says pleadingly. You want to believe him, but you just can’t seem to let this go.

The silence lingers over the phone.

“Maybe we should take a break,” you eventually say with defeat.

“A break?”

“Maybe we just need some time to sort things out. You can focus on your work and when things get better… we can try again.”

“No, no…” he starts to argue, “that’s not fair.”

“Steve, please…” you beg, “just try to see where I’m coming from. I still love you, I always will. I just think we need this.”

He doesn’t say a word, making you anxious.

“Steve-”

You’re cut off by the phone hanging up. You sit in disbelief, letting the weight of the conversation fall on you.

You spent the rest of the night just curled up on the couch. You keep questioning your decision. In your mind, this was the right thing to do, despite the heartbreak you knew you’d be feeling. But you didn’t think it would hurt as much as it does now.

Steve’s reaction made you rethink the idea of a break. You worry that he thinks you don’t love him anymore when it’s the complete opposite. You did this because you love him. You didn’t want to lose him completely, but it looks like you lost him anyways. Maybe, deep down, a part of you was trying to save yourself from the inevitable heartbreak.

The living room was dark, the only light coming from the street lights outside. The tears have stopped flowing, but the headache lingers. It’s almost 2 in the morning and despite being worn out from crying, you have trouble sleeping. You’re about to get up for a glass of water when you hear a knock on your door.

Your first reaction is to panic, because you weren’t expecting anyone at such a late hour. You mentally run through the self defense moves Steve insisted on teaching you. Slowly, you approach the door, trying to not make any noise.

Knock knock knock.

“It’s me.”

It’s softly spoken, but you hear him loud and clear. You quickly open the door to reveal Steve with a look of sorrow on his face. You can’t help but stare at him in shock, taking in his disheveled appearance.

“I don’t want a break,” he says hoarsely, breaking you out of your trace.

You all but pounce toward him and wrap your arms around his neck. He immediately wraps his arms tightly around your waist. You bury your face in his neck, inhaling the familiar scent that reminds you of home. Despite everything that happened over the phone, you feel a flood of relief from finally being in his arms.

You stood in his embrace, relishing the feeling of him being there for a good minute before you pulled away. You meet his eyes, noticing the tears surrounding them and it hurts your heart.

“We should talk,” you say, voice rough from the crying just hours ago.

You’re sitting side by side on your couch. You look at him and can’t believe that he drove all the way to your place in the middle of the night. You can see the worry on his face and you want nothing more than to comfort him, but you hold back because you want an explanation first.

“So..” you start off, “you don’t want a break?”

“Y/N, I know I’ve messed up, but please don’t give up on us,” he says with pleading eyes.

“I don’t want to. I thought that’s what you would’ve wanted. I thought…” you shy away from his stare, “maybe you didn’t want me anymore.”

Steve looks at you with guilt, realizing for the first time how much he’s hurt you, “I’m sorry… I know I’ve been saying that a lot lately but I never wanted you to feel like I didn’t want to be with you.”

“Then what's been going on?” you ask, looking back at him, determined to know why it took you asking for a break to get him here.

Steve looks down at his hands, visibly nervous. Why? You have no idea.

“Talk to me Steve,” you encourage him. “Please.”

He turns to look at you, taking a breath before saying “I’ve been looking for Bucky.”

You’re immediately confused. Out of all the things you thought of him saying, this was never one of them.

“Bucky? Bucky Barnes?” you question. You knew of his friend from the stories he would tell you. Bucky was practically a brother to Steve.

“Yes,” he says easily, but it just makes you more confused. The thought of Steve going crazy briefly crosses your mind.

“He’s the Winter Soldier,” he explains. You recognize that name from the news. He was a part of the incident that happened in DC.

“What? H-How would that even be possible?” you question, not really being able to wrap your head around it. From what you knew, Bucky died in war back in the 40s.

“HYDRA was using him. They found him after he fell from the train and they brainwashed him for decades until I was able to snap him out of it when we fought in DC,” Steve continues, “After he saved my life, he disappeared.”

The pain in his voice is evident as he talks about his friend. You scoot closer to him and you take his hand into yours, offering him comfort.

“Sam and I have been following any lead we could to find him,” he explains, “I’ve been doing that along with all the other missions I get sent on. That’s why I’ve been gone so much.”  

It finally makes sense to you.

“Oh Steve,” you say, “I wish you would’ve told me this sooner.”

“I know honey, I should have…” he squeezes your hand, which you reciprocate.

“HYDRA is evil. I’ve seen how cruel they can be,” he continues. “The thought of them coming anywhere near you kills me,” his voice filled with emotion and his eyes gloss over with tears. “Sometimes it’s hard for me to get out of that headspace…”

He looks away from you, head down, “you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

You reach over with your free hand to touch his face. “Steve,” you turn his head to look at you. His blue eyes shine even in the dim lighting. “Please don’t shut me out. I want to know these things. You don’t have to tell me everything, but I just want to be there for you. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”

Your eyes beg him to understand you. “And I get it now. Bucky is your friend and I know you’ll find him again someday. Just don’t put all that stress on yourself,” your thumb wipes away a stray tear falling down his face. “I want to help you in any way I can. You can always come back to me.”

He subtly nods and looks at you, faces only a breath apart. “I don’t deserve you,” he says quietly, like he’s in disbelief.

He closes the distance, lips finally meeting yours. Your eyes flutter shut, as you continue to cradle his face in your palms. You focus on conveying all your love for him into the kiss. You pull away briefly to move on to his lap as he leans back into the couch. His hands naturally fall on your hips as you get impossibly close.

You break the kiss again, “Promise not to leave me again,” you plead, but your tone is much lighter this time. You never wanted to leave his arms again.

He looks up at you, eyebrows furrowing a bit, “I can’t promise that,” you give him a sad smile, already knowing that. His hand leaves your hip to push a stray hair behind your ear, “but I can promise that I will talk to you more and show you how much you mean to me more often. ”

You genuinely smile at that.

“This is important to me,” he says, pulling you closer, emphasizing his words, “you’re important to me.”

“I love you”

“I love you too,”

You lean back in to kiss him again, smiling in between because you’re happy to have your Steve back. And you know things will get better from here. There’s still going to be some tough nights when you miss him and he can’t be there, but you know he’ll be missing you just as much. You won’t have to doubt his love for you again.

You pull away once more, “Remember how you said, you’d make it up to me?” you question with a mischievous look in your eye.

“Yeah,” he says looking at you expectantly.

You simply raise your eyebrows and smirk at him. He catches on and mouths an “oh”.

You’re lifted from the couch so you latch onto Steve’s shoulders, giggling loudly at the sudden movement. He carries you into your bedroom, where he definitely made up for lost time.

You slept much easier that night.

hope you enjoyed reading! 🤍 reblogs and feedback are much appreciated!! let me know if you liked it :) 

[galactic-magick]

Three Almost Kisses: Barry Allen/The Flash x Reader

Request: (late night Barry simp returns) So, I had a cute/silly/sappy idea where reader's dating Barry, but like, every time they want to kiss, something comes up and it's rain checked, until like, it reaches a breaking point of "idc if I'm a half second late, I want to kiss my partner!"

Summary: The three times your kisses with Barry were interrupted, and the one time they weren’t.

Words: 900+

Warnings: a swear word or two, otherwise none

Author’s Notes: I loved writing this, it was a really cute idea!

Taglist: @deniedmysign​ @candid-confetti​

-

-

-

One:

You grip his hand on the bus, sitting beside him for moral support. You offered to come with him on the way to his job interview, hoping to help him calm down or convince him he doesn’t need one more thing on his plate; but you can still feel him shaking with no plans for not going through with it.

You understand why he works so hard, you genuinely do, but gosh you wish he wasn’t dealt such a bad hand in life so he could just have a normal college experience. You’re honestly surprised he has any leftover time to spend with you at all, after all his homework and jobs and basic human needs.

When you finally reach your stop, you give him a hug and tell him you’ll wait for him in the library across the street.

“Thank you so much, Y/N,” he smiles, gazing at your lips.

You lean in a bit, but his attention soon darts to his watch.

“Shit! I’m late!” he stumbles back, running towards the store. “I’ll- um, we can-“

“Just go, Barry,” you laugh.

“Later!”

You tense up as he goes, desperately praying he won’t get hit by a car or something.

 Two:

It’s your first official date in ages, you’ve both been busy, especially Barry, but you’ve got a free hour or so to spend some time together.

Your dates are usually simple. Neither of you have the money for fancy restaurants or buying tons of stuff for each other, so usually you’ll just grab a couple snacks from the dollar store and watch a movie you already own. All you really care about is spending time with each other anyway, it doesn’t matter how or where.

He drapes an arm around you on the couch and presses play, grabbing a handful from the snack bowl.

You get through most of the movie before something happens, right as he was about to kiss you, this time an alert on his phone making a blaring noise.

It’s not uncommon for this to happen. He claims he has to leave quite frequently, coming up with a different excuse each time. Sometimes it’s a work emergency, sometimes family, sometimes an assignment he forgot. He usually rushes out the door, and sometimes you don’t see him for the rest of the night. You have every right to be suspicious, but you trust him wholeheartedly and you’re sure he has a good reason.

You really wish you could have at least gotten that kiss though.

 Three:

“I have to take you somewhere, okay?” Barry says to you, a sense of urgency in his voice.

“Now?”

“Please, just trust me,” he picks you up in his arms and starts sprinting, but soon he’s going so fast you have no sense of what’s happening, and you’re already at your destination before you can scream.

He sets you down in a big room full of tech and screens, and some of the superheroes you’ve heard about are standing there too.

“Barry- what the fuck is going on?!” you yell. “You’re the red streak?! Why didn’t you tell me? Where am I? Is that Wonder Woman?!”

She waves and smiles at you.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he places his hands on your shoulders. “I wanted to tell you but I wasn’t sure how. And I brought you here to keep you safe. There’s a big bad alien trying to destroy the world right now and we have to go stop him, and I need you to stay here so you can’t get hurt, okay?”

“Okay. Okay,” you take a deep breath. “I just- I’m not mad, I mean, honestly this explains a lot, but holy shit Barry-”

“It’ll be fine, I promise,” he assures you. “Just stay here a while, alright? Batman’s boss Alfred is here too if you need anything, and Superman might show up in a bit,”

“Superman?!”

“I’ll explain everything after,” he leans in to kiss you goodbye, but the team calls him over so they can go.

You slump down in the nearest chair, trying to process everything.

Hopefully that’s not the last time you see him.

 -

 It’s multiple hours before you hear anything, and you end up going home to get some sleep. You’re only going to have more anxiety if you stay here, and Alfred makes sure you get home safely.

The villain they’re fighting is miles away anyway, and honestly you’re not even sure what they’re up against so what’s to be scared of?

Or at least, that’s what you tell yourself to ignore all the nerves.

You try your best to sleep, with very little success.

You hear a knock on the door, and you drag yourself up to get it.

“Hey-“

It’s Barry, and you immediately wrap your arms around him.

“Holy shit Barry, I thought you died,”

“Not yet,” he chuckles. “Hey, I have to check a few things with the team, but I wanted to see you first,”

You frown, “Can’t you stay just for a bit? Please?”

He brings a hand to your face, eyes darting around your features, “You know what, yeah. I can be a few minutes late if it means I get to kiss you,”

“Finally-“

He cuts you off with his lips on yours. It was definitely worth the wait, and you can almost swear you feel an actual spark.

Benefits to dating the lightning fast hero, you suppose.

He doesn’t pull away until he absolutely has to, and he comes back for more without a second thought.

“Maybe I can be a little more late,” he smirks.

“No, you should go,” you smile. “Go be a hero,”

He nods and he’s gone.

[genesisrose74]

Christmas with the Karasuno Boys (HC’s)!!

Part 1: Daichi, Suga, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, & Ennoshita

Part 2 (Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Kinoshita, & Narita) here!!

A/n: Tumblr said my word count was too much so I’m splitting this bad boi up into two parts :p Enjoy!!

*****

Daichi

A huge romantic during Christmas, 10/10 quality cliche times spent together

You wanna go ice skating? Hell yeah sweetheart, he will make it the most beautifully romantic thing you’ve ever seen

Like straight out of a holiday postcard type beat

Istg the rink he takes you to looks like a more heartwarming version of Rockefeller Center

He’s a big keeper of tradition when it comes to making plans, but doesn’t mind a bit of nonsense fun when everything falls into place

Which is why you love to bring the team along on adventures because they make everything all the more entertaining

At first he’s confused like ??? You don’t have to do that just if they’ve been pestering you about it

But then he realizes you care as much about them as he does (hint: a hell of a lot) and they’re thus invited along for some stuff

Of course y’all also get some quality time together on dates with just you both

Anyways you and Daichi have talked a lot about traveling and how he was really interested in seeing new places

So as his gift you got him a carved map with a roll of red string and thumbtacks, so that he could plan out all the places he wanted to visit

You know how when Kiyoko found the “Fly” banner for Karasuno and all the boys cried?

Yeah

Like that but with lots more hugging and laughing

“You know you’re gonna have to help with mapping this out, right?”

“Is that an invitation I hear?”

“Oh, that’s a promise”

FJSFJDSK ALEXA PLAY AMERICAN BOY BY ESTELLE—

Please I love him; he is so damn sly and sassy I will die with this headcanon

Sugawara

I swear on everything that Christmas with him is equivalent to a Hallmark movie

It smells like joy and warmth wherever he is, and this season only amplifies it

He is such a cheeseball without even having to try

But it’s in the really endearing and heart-melting way,,, just MMM PERFECT

He’ll take you on a walk through those neighborhoods with those crazy light decorations in the front yard and buy you hot chocolate

If he sees a group of little kids gaping at all the lights, he’ll leave them starry-eyed with stories of magic, reindeer, Santa and so-forth

“You know, I’ve heard that Rudolph’s nose is supposed to be brighter than the world’s most powerful Christmas light”

Good heavens, children absolutely adore this man

Anyways he’ll make it a little game as y’all walk around this beautifully lit neighborhood, both of you with a different assortment of bingo squares printed on paper

First one to bingo chooses a movie to watch after getting back to Suga’s house

Will wrap a big fluffy blanket around you both and pull you into his chest while watching the movie

For his gift, you got a star named after him

It’s because y’all alway go stargazing for dates every month, just to sit out, talk and cuddle

Suga gave you the SOFTEST look after opening your gift and this cute little card you made 🥺

“Lets go try to find my new favorite star”

PLEASE HE IS SO SWEET

“Right now? Koushi it’s 11:30 pm”

“Just for ten minutes, and then I’ll get you home”

So y’all spend the rest of Christmas Eve on his roof, sipping warm tea and attempting to locate Star Suga

Asahi

Cuddle bear alert ‼️‼️

It’s basically hibernation time for him, because he’s not the biggest fan of cold

That’s alright with you though 😌 more coziness for you

Lots of quality moments indoors means more creative dates

A whole day devoted to chill present wrapping? Hell fuckin’ yeah

Nice music, pretty wrapping paper, shiny bows, maybe a little Christmas rom-com playing in the back — the whole shebang

You find out pretty quickly that despite how it sounds, it’s actually quite a satisfying and enjoyable pastime

Practically had to drag him out of your living room to secretly wrap his own gift

As much as he’s the king of timidity and soft™, he can be very playfully stubborn when he’s comfortable, hence why he was such an ass to get out of the room

I have no doubt that Asahi would melt for the most adorable, cheesy shit

So you not only bought him some really reliable headbands for volleyball use, but you also made a little coupon booklet

He can basically cash in paper promises for certain things, like getting to choose the next date idea, picking a movie to watch without any objection, having you make his favorite food, etc.

There’s one that he can exchange for a full out spa day trip, because good heavens he’s a sucker for those

Massage and exfoliation and everything — it makes him feel ✨refreshed✨

He was ecstatic fam, I don’t even know what to say

Like a puppy who just got a bunch of toys and a new backyard to play

Mans cashes in one almost immediately, and at first you’re confused

Like it’s Christmas time bubs, what are we gonna be able to do when most places are closed and it’s the holidays?

Then you read the paper

“Free hug (can be used and renewed <3)”

GIVE HIM HIS DAMN HUGS RIGHT NOW

He uses that one a lot throughout the upcoming days, to the point where he just keeps the paper on him for fun

“You realize you can just ask me silly, you don’t need to keep carrying the coupon around”

“Yeah, but it’s entertaining”

Cute little cheeky bastard

Nishinoya

LOVES LOVES LOVES CHRISTMAS

You know the 12 Days of Christmas? The song??

He gets you a small present EVERY DAY for all 12 days

Not to mention he has a big present that he saves for the actual holiday

Y’all are the type of couple to get ice cream in the middle of winter

Nishi loves his cold snacks any time of year, and you’ve thus picked up a similar taste

He will consistently pester you about what kind of present you got him

Gets pouty when you don’t tell him, but in the back of his mind he’s glad because it would ruin the surprise

Anything you get him instantly becomes his most prized gift tho

It could be a literal rock with googly eyes and he’d put it in a protective glass case for preservation

But of course you get him something better than that because he only deserves the best

He’s got this specific assortment of products to maintain his spiky hair and to make sure it’s healthy, but they’re pretty expensive to buy when he runs out

When he tore open your present’s decorative wrapping to discover a huge basket of basically every hair product he ever needed, he got wide-eyed

There was also a booklet of little notes you’d kept throughout the month that listed all the little things you noticed and adored about your precious boyfriend

He nearly CRIED reading them

“Baby, you didn’t have to do all that for me”

“You act like you don’t deserve all of it and more, Nishi”

Refuses to leave your side after that

Holding your hand, hugging you as tight as he can, etc.

He is head over heels idc idc

Tanaka

Another man who is obsessed with the holiday season and everything that comes with it

He is the biggest sap for this shit istg

Will spend hours trying to get you the best present of all time

And he succeeds exceptionally

Mistletoe? He’s got an ABUNDANCE on hand at any time, just to make sure he can get fair share of his kissies 🥰

His signature beanie appears in full force during winter

Sometimes you’ll pull it over his eyes before giving him a peck on the cheek and dashing off in the school halls

“I’ll see you after school, babe!”

Speech = jumbled + incomprehensible

“Uh hUh, you do that~”

He’s: adorable

I just know that he melts for really sweet and thought-out gifts

Like anything you give him he’ll adore, don’t get me wrong, but the ones done with special care and love are just his kryptonite

He brought you into a massive bear hug and spun you around when he opened a photo book of old pictures taken together, complete with lots of cute messages and anecdotes written alongside them

You and Saeko may have also gone in on another present for him without his knowledge

And on Christmas Eve, you dragged a curious Tanaka into his front yard to the sight of a shiny motorbike

It was Saeko’s old one that she’d held onto for a while, and an old schoolmate offered to fix it up nice in time for the holiday at a discount, so y’all decided to divvy up the lowered price and got it done for Ryu

Sweet boy was taken aback, with his hands clapped over his mouth and everything

Saeko patted him on the back as he stood there in shock, giving her baby brother a sweet smile

“All yours, little bro!”

Ya, Saeko fucking loves you 😌 and so does Tanaka

Overall very lovely, would cry to be loved by the Tanaka siblings

Ennoshita

After spending past Decembers with his fellow second year classmates (namely, the very enthusiastic Noya and Tanaka), he’s grown to know quite a bit about the different holiday events that go on around town

Still, Ennoshita is a pretty simplistic guy and is content with simply spending time with you

So when you recommended going to pick a Christmas tree out for your place together, he’s totally down

As long as he gets to help decorate too ☺️

Y’all end up picking a beauty of a tree ngl

It’s SO TALL

And a super stronk friend — fit for the most heavy duty of ornaments

It takes some damn work to get that bad boi inside and upright after driving back to your house

But like hell did that stop you

Now that it was all set up, sturdy, and given plenty of water, decorations were brought into the equation that same night

No rest until it’s all set up and looking mighty beautiful

Okay maybe some coffee breaks in between, but other than that the grind don’t stop ✋😤

Ennoshita is an expert at making Christmas trees look absolutely immaculate

Idk if it’s because he’s had to deal with cleaning up disorder for a while now?

Looking at you, ya second year loons

He just has the touch, fam

He’ll of course let you have input on which light colors, what type of ornaments, and so on

But honestly it’s really fun seeing him fully concentrated on making your tree the best it can be

He lets you on his shoulders to put on the tree topper 🥺

For his gift, Ennoshita really loves books, so you decided to get him 12 different (hardcover!!) stories — one for each month in a year

Along with a small sticky-note blurb on the covers of each to explain why you chose it, and to give similar title recommendations if he ends up enjoying

He was so surprised with how thoughtful and extensive it was

Loved it so much that he immediately started to read the first one, with you sat in his lap

“Chikara, you realize you’re meant to start this one in January?”

“Shh, I’m getting a head start”

[khaleesiofalicante]

I really said fuck classes who needs notes anyway (i do I have 5 tests in the next two weeks)

before I post my live blog here, I feel like people really underestimate how bad rumors are and how much they fuck with your mental health. they don't lose sleep over them, they don't think twice. but these things are harmful as fuck. they leave wounds that take so long to recover from because you keep on thinking about these lies who to others are "just words"

I've been there. it's not fun. I wish I had the courage back then to stand up to those rumors which I have now. these things never leave you. others might move on but the healing process is a journey that is long and hard. I wish more people understood just what effect their words can have.

Yeah, he knew a thing or two about family members going overboard with glitter.

IT'S RAFAEL CENTRIC GHSYGUJDUYDFUIKFDUIDFIUDF

TAVVY

TAVVY

TAVVY

DCSUIHDCSUIDUYUDICUIVSDUIHFVSUILFBUHKIFSV

I feel like I keyboard smash A LOT

“You will never drink even if you are not riding the bike,” Dad had pointed out – all Consul Voice and threatening glares. “The legal age for drinking in New York is 21.”

“But it’s 15 in Idris!”

“Well unfortunately for you, we are in Exile,” dad had grinned.

DAD ALEC UHIKSFDUIHKSGUIKSDVUIHKDVUHIKSVD

Max had a habit of ‘borrowing’ things and selling them on eBay. In his brother’s defense, Bapak had so many clothes that he never noticed when things disappeared. But Rafael did since he had a habit of wearing his father’s clothes.

The warlock – not the shadowhunter.

He wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those sweaters.

Now that Rafael was 18, he was almost as tall as his father.

The shadowhunter – not the warlock.

I AM SCREAMING

I love how he's clarifying which one he's talking about

“Do you know I used to have a crush on Lily Chen?” Tavvy blushed. “But then I found out she made out with Helen once and it kinda got weird.”

Ah yes. I remember. Does Rafael know that Alec also walked in on them?

ARCHITECT TAVVY

SDHDVUHDFSV,YDSFVUYVSFFUSVFUVFS

SHADOWUNTERS ATTENDING MUNDANE COLLEGES

“Dude, college kids don’t give a shit,” Tavvy laughed. “You could walk into a lecture covered in runes, holding a seraph blade and they wouldn’t give you a second look.”

“Cause they are chill?”

“Yes. But mostly cause they are dead inside,” Tavvy chuckled.

Surprisingly that's exactly what my grade 6 prefect told me (DAMN WHY AM I ALWAYS REMEMBERING GRADE 6 IT'S BEEN YEARS. that was a horrible year *shudders*)

ANJALI IS A CENTURION

LMAO THIS IS WHAT RAFAEL MEANT WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDNT WANT TO GO TO THE SCHOLOMANCE FOR PERSONAL REASONS

I still ship them.

“The meeting is going to go perfe-What is SHE doing here?”

Well, that was a quick change-

Unlike Aunt Maia, Lily did not like to be called Aunt Lily. So, Rafael respected her wishes. Max of course continued to call her Aunt Lily and sometimes Abeula Lily since his brother had a pathological condition of pissing people off.

THAT'S SO MAX OMG JHSXUHSCUHISDHUHUKIDVS

great now I miss Raphael

I HAVE A CLASS IN 7 MINUTES STOP MAKING ME CRY

that is so thoughtful of him though...

tears.

“There are no photos of Raphael,” Lily sighed.

“Because he is a vampire?” Tavvy asked sympathetically.

“Because he is Raphael,” she grinned. “Vampires can most certainly take photos. You should follow me on Instagram. My handle is simp_for_carstairs.”

Of course, it is. No one is surprised.

Tavvy picked one up, took a large bite and it threw it back immediately. “Holy shit, that’s spicy!”

“White,” Lily and Anjali snorted at the same time.

white people and their bland foods smh

“She is not wrong,” Lily nodded seriously. “I’m a Jem Carstairs fan first and a vampire second.”

As she should be

UHDSUHDFSUHFDH ANJALI AND RAFAEL COMPETING ABOUT WHO'S LILY'S FAVORITE

He observed Anjali’s long dark hair spilled over her shoulders as her eyes stayed on Lily – sharp, protective and beautiful.

"Beautiful"

I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO

I'm THE DAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP

FUCKING RUMORS

I'm GONNA KILL SOMEONE

“Shadowhunters are awful gossips,” Anjali said. “Let’s not waste our time with this nonsense.”

There was something in her voice. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

No, wait I want to know what was in her voice.

But no. It couldn’t be. They weren’t dating.

YET

Rafael was sure there was something more than friendship between them. But David was polite to a fault and Max was an oblivious little shit. So, obviously nothing had happened yet.

OH MY GOD THESE TWO

But this was different. He would tolerate rumours about himself. But he would not tolerate rumours about his family.

I and Rafael will beat up the people who spread these rumors together :D

“She once told me she likes sipping tea more than drinking blood.

I-

same.

NOT THAT I DRINK BLOOD-

RAFAEL LMAO NO

"I hate her she's so annoying"

continues to daydream about her and how tall she'd be without those boots, lies to tavvy about her dating someone

Why did he do that? What was the purpose? Did he not want other people to date just because he wasn’t dating anyone?

And he calls Max oblivious.

oh class started

shit

IDC IDC I'LL STILL BE READING

LEXI AND SELENA ARE AT THE ACADEMY

JACE HYPER FIXATING ON THINGS BECAUSE HE'S BORED IS SUCH A MOOD

“David and I added rosemary to this one,” Uncle Jace wiped his hands on his apron. “It has definitely improved the taste, hasn’t it?”

“Save me,” David mouthed from behind the man.

LMAO POOR DAVID

“Empty nest syndrome,” Rafael chuckled. “I’m glad neither Max nor I had to leave home. My fathers are much worse.”

He remembered his first sleepover at the institute. His parents had waited for “an excruciating hour” before crashing the institute and joining the sleepover themselves.

yup, that's them.

“David,” Rafael grinned. “Are you afraid of my father?”

“What? No! He is the just a regular person…who can throw me in the silent city any time he wants,” David rambled and then shook his head. “Where is Max?”

He tried to sound nonchalant. But Rafael noted the way the other boy’s eyes fluttered every time he said Max’s name.

Just the way a crooked smile appeared on his brother’s lips every time someone said David’s name.

Idiots

ok, there is so much to unpack here.

DAVID HAS A VALID REASON OK??

These two are such IDIOTS HUSDUHISCUIDSVCUIHVSDUHI

“Max said Bapak is biased, and that he needs an unbiased tutor. Uncle Ragnor volunteered,” Rafael chuckled. “God bless the poor man.”

“Max isn’t that bad,” David replied.

“Looks like you’re biased too, David,” Rafael winked and picked up a spare bow from the training room.

of course, he is.

G-FORCE KJHSDCUISDYUKDFSUYKDSVYUSFD

oh shit

oh shit

WHO DID WHAT THIS TIME

what's the rumor and who do I need to kill

He didn’t know her well. But she knew a lot about him. Just as she knew a lot about the twins. She was one of those people who was oddly invested in his life just because Rafael happened to the Consul’s son.

what is her problem?

what the fuck

I need a minute

I need a minute to digest that

I'm so glad I closed my camera in class

what the actual fuck did she just say

tell me I'm hallucinating

times like these I wish I was Jared 19

no, because I'm actually speechless right now

Paige and Irene need therapy

OH SHE WENT THERE

“Paige, that’s enough!” the Dean snapped at her. “How dare you talk to him that way? You talk about warlock corruption but where all of you when Valentine exploited Jace and Clary? Where was this moral obligation when Valentine lied to his children and played with their feelings as if they were nothing but toys to be controlled and manipulated? I’m sick of shadowhunters victim blaming children instead of holding people like Valentine accountable.”

THANK YOU

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK SIMON

I feel like we all focus so much on the "incest" and hate on clace we forget that this part of the story was literally an abuser seeing that the victim was recovering and took the only thing which made him happy from him

I can't believe this

“Children have been suffering for a long time now, Paige,” Uncle Jace said now, his fists balled at his sides. “Where were you when Alec proposed the child protection bill? We didn’t see any of you supporting it.”

“We had other priorities,” the older woman replied. “People were dying! It was not the right time for a new law. We could have always signed that bill later. There was no rush!”

OTHER PRIORITIES MY ASS BITCH FUCK YOU

hey just realizing Rafael is the token straight

I'M SORRY IM TRYING TO DISTRACT ME

“The Cohort who made children kill themselves to prove a point?” Uncle Simon asked dryly. “That Cohort?”

I am so close to either crying or killing someone or both.

This was Max’s spot since it had the best Wi-Fi coverage.

yeah trust me I spend all the time in the guest room because it has the best wifi coverage or the study.

MAX IS SMOKING TOO

YOU FUCKING IDIOTS

oh wait

oh they might be alec's

yeah

For the next thirty minutes, Max paced around the room, threatening to portal all the shadowhunters to hell.

Then he went on about a plan to attack the cohort and portal them all to hell too.

He kept talking about portalling people to hell.

MAX YES LET'S DO IT!!!!

But here is the thing about people, they don’t get to you. You get to them.

They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams.

YES! To others, it's just words. meaningless. to you, the effect can be so so deep. it's not easy to always brush them off.

NO MAGNUS

THAT'S IT

MAX AND I ARE PORTALLING PEOPLE TO HELL

WE'RE DOING IT

why do we hurt others?

my teacher: ill take a test on this chapter. all 20 units

me: softly crying because people are little shits and they hurt others.

“Fuck everyone else,” dad hissed. “They’ve hurt our family enough.”

EXACTLY. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

“I am simply being honest with you,” Dad interrupted. “I could never be okay when you are away from me. But I will manage. Max is going to raise hell though. So, that’s going to be fun.”

AS HE SHOULD

Neither Rafael nor Max would never admit it out loud, but on the day of that sleepover, on the day their parents had crashed the institute bcause they had missed the kids too much…Rafael and Max had been only a moment away from calling their parents to come pick them up.

He's right though.

it'll take time. lots of it maybe.

BUT THE ACTUAL AUDACITY.

It fucked with his mind so much.

Rafael...ALRIGHT WHERE ARE MY FLAMETHROWERS

“DAD! BAPA! WAKE UP! RAFE IS TRYING TO RUN AWAY!”

MAX REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY LITTLE BROTHER

He had forgotten about the bloody paperwork. Shadowhunters on their travel year had to notify the Clave and get their paperwork in order.

Well, it shouldn’t be a problem since the Clave was standing across the hall.

EXACTLY

Because it was killing him. It was killing him not to be lying on the couch, his head resting on his Bapak’s lap just like every other Saturday morning.

It was killing him not to touch, not to love, not to care.

GET MY FLAMETHROWERS AND CANNIBAL GOLDFISHES WE HAVE SOME WORK TO DO

(goddamn every class I have taken so far the teacher has told us there is a test coming up it's 9 am in the morning.)

His brother growled at that like the little feral animal that he was.

that's adorable actually.

“Fine,” Max rolled his eyes. “Does this mean I can also travel? There is a Twenty One Pilots concert in Sydney and-”

“Nice try,” Dad said. “But no. You are staying here.”

“Excuse me, but what about my healing?” Max demanded. “I’ve been traumatised by this thing.”

“You can go to therapy,” Rafael winked at this brother.

Therapy is boring but useful so-

He needed to survive this. So, he decided to go back to the place he had learned how to survive in the first place.

He needed to go back home.

UGLY CRYING WHILE TAYLOR SWIFT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND MY HISTORY CLASS IN 2 MINUTES

I'm so proud of him for this...

I still say we kill these people.

JOAQUIN AND JULIETTE

UHISDCUIHFSDUGUIDFVDSDVFJHGDFVHUKDVHUKVF

Camilla Alvarez.

well well.

OH THEY KISSED

“Right,” Rafael had said. “Gap year. Besides, I do talk them. My brother threatened to paint my room in hot pink if I don’t text him every day.”

hands max a pint of paint HAVE AT IT

Max: Also – New Rumour. Dalliance between Lily and Tavvy.

Rafe: OMFG WHAT

Max: They are running with it and freaking old n*philim out.

AS THEY SHOULD UFUHIFUIHFUIHKFU

THE CENSORED N*PHILIM I'M SCREAMING

“He is hot.”

He laughed out loud. “Yeah. I hear that a lot.”

“Your dad looks kinda scary,” she pointed out.

Rafael laughed again. “Yeah. I kinda hear that a lot too.”

I'm liking this ship...

I'M STILL LOYAL TO THE RAFAEL AND ANJALI SHIP

but I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's getting the space he needs

Dad: Jst found legal age fr drnkng in Buenos Aires is 18.

Rafe: ????

Dad: I hv friends thr.

Rafe: ???

Dad: Thy r watchn u.

Rafe: Creepy but okay.

HJSDCGUIHJGSDCYUICVXUHVUHKDV

THE BOY'S DRINKING Y'ALL

Do it

MILA IS GOING TO NY!!

I like her. she's nice.

He was leaving soon. He didn’t see the point in lying to her. “I ran away from home. Kind of.”

“Why?”

“I hurt someone I love,” Rafael confessed. “The person I love most in the world.”

honey, it wasn't your fault... hugs

Shit. Why wasn’t Bapak going to the accords signing? He had been there for every single one since the very first time.

no no no no is something wrong?? I'm worried.

“You look taller,” Rafael told his brother who hadn’t grown an inch.

LMAO

Max and I are vertically challenged.

“Rafe, go to talk to him. Or I will tell everyone you’ve been smoking in the balcony!”

So, he was going to pin this on him, huh? This little shit.

well-

“You’ve progressed from freaking to fucking,” he pointed out.

“That’s not the fucking point, Rafael!” Max said in exasperation.

“You did it again,” Rafe pinched Max’s cheek. “My little brother is all grown up now. Linguistically I mean.”

“Dick."

I CAN'T WITH THESE TWO

When he had gone back to Buenos Aires, the place was completely different - even the shadow market.

There were no abandoned children in the streets. There were no racist and ignorant leaders exploiting innocent downworlders.

There was only growth.

His father had done that. Alec Lightwood had helped Joaquin and his people create a new world in Buenos Aires.

This shows how much people can flourish under good leadership if they really try.

YOU KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING THESE NOTES DOWN, NOT CRYING OVER THIS.

“I will protect our family. I will protect our friends. I will protect those who ask for my protection. But I will not tolerate their hate. I will not turn my head and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Because it does hurt and that’s not okay.”

Rafael smiled at that. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not okay.”

“The accords is important. But so am I. There is no point in signing a treaty that is meant to value equality if I have to sign it while being surrounded by those who refuse to respect me or my identity. I simply cannot do it, Rafael. I hope you understand.”

I'm sobbing like YES YOU DONT OWE THEM SHIT. THESE UNGRATEFUL BITCHES.

“It’s taken me a while to realize this. But I don’t owe the nephilim anything,” Bapak said firmly. “It’s about time they realize that too.”

YES EXACTLY

“I’ve known shadowhunters for a long time, Rafael. Good ones. Bad ones. All kinds of them – and shadowhunters have always defined themselves by their love. Not by your weapons. Not by your runes. Not by your last names. Not by your laws. Shadowhunters have always defined themselves by love. So, don’t ever let them take that away from you.”

I want this on a T-shirt. These damn shadowhunters and their love.

“Like the Accords Hall kiss?” Rafael grinned.

“It’s the stupidest thing your father had ever done – which is really saying something,” his father laughed. “But it’s also the bravest thing I’ve ever seen him do. And that’s how I knew.”

affectionate sigh that's alec.

“Good. Max is sitting in the porch and singing All by Myself,” Tessa chuckled and closed the door. “Just thought you should know!!”

Rafael giggled at that. “He must have given you hell.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Bapak shrugged, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Fine. I might have promised to buy him a car when he turns 18.”

“You’re hoping he would stop aging by then, aren’t you?” Rafael chuckled.

Max is so dramatic I aspire to be like him.

Blue banners when the lost return, the shadowhunter rhythm said.

Rafael had returned home – and he was no longer lost.

I'm ok I say as I cry during my history class

I'm so proud of him.

“Well, that needs to be rectified immediately,” Dad said in the Consul Voice and literally yelled. “I am about to kiss my son – on both cheeks! You better gossip about this too!”

“Oh my god, stop!” Rafael giggled and tried to escape.

“YAS!” he heard Uncle Jace yelled from somewhere. “GIVE US A FOREHEAD KISS TOO!”

THEY ARE SO DRAMATIC I LOVE THESE IDIOTS SO MUCH.

THEM ADDING TO THE ACCORDS AS THEY SHOULD OMG

“The hell is hate speech?” someone asked.

Do you not have a dictionary you uncultured swine

“There is a very clear difference between free speech and hate speech,” Cristina Rosales pointed out. “The fact that you don’t seem to know that is all the more reason for us to include this provision.”

YES CRISTINA

“By the angel,” an old man gasped. “There is no need to be so emotional. The younger generation can be such snowflakes.”

What if I just strangles him

“Discriminatory language?” a woman demanded. “What does that even mean?”

“Calling vampires bloodsuckers,” Lily Chen answered.

“Calling warlocks demon spawns,” Ragnor Fell pointed out.

“Calling werewolves fleabags,” Maia Roberts declared.

“Calling faeries half-breeds,” Kieran Kingson all but yelled.

The fact that they have had to deal with this shit for YEARS. (also why Kingson? isn't Kieran the king?)

THE QUEEN HERSELF IS HERE Y'ALL

“Which one of you shitheads said hate speech is harmless?” Anjali demanded, her voice booming over everyone and everything else.

YES ANJALI

Anjali had a grin of her own. “While that might true, Paige, there is most certainly a law on child protection. You didn’t just hurt Magnus Bane. You also hurt his son. Section 7 of the Child Protection Bill states that any person who physically or emotionally injures a child through ill-treatment, neglect, abandonment or abuse is guilty of breaking the covenant.”

“Damn straight!” someone yelled from the crowd – it sounded suspiciously like Kit.

CALL THESE BITCHES OUT YES

“Rafael is not a child!” someone yelled again. A lot of them this time. “It’s still not illegal. The law doesn’t say so!”

“By the angel, for someone who is obsessed with the law you people seem to know nothing about it,” Anjali said in exasperation. “The child protection law defines a child as a person under 18 years OR younger. The incident happened when he was still 18. It’s illegal.”

YES ANJALI FUCK THESE PEOPLE

“I’m the Inquisitor’s daughter,” she said. “Next time, think twice before you quote the law at me.”

SHOW THEM, QUEEN

How did she know his birthday????

ahem

“So, if you do hurt him emotionally, you can still be implicated. You will face charges and you can possibly be stripped of your runes,” Anjali pointed out seriously. “Now I ask you again. Does anyone else have to say anything about him?”

There was absolute silence then.

“Didn’t fucking think so,” Anjali spat. “I literally had to mention the stripping of your marks for you to respect another person’s basic rights. If you give half the value you place on your precious runes to other people, we wouldn’t be in exile right now.”

The Cohort looked terrified – of Anjali or their future in the Clave, Rafael didn’t know.

“People are dying,” Anjali said, her voice heavy now. “Our people are fucking dying, and you seem to be more bothered with who is sleeping with whom. Shame on you. Shame on all of you!”

She turned to the Council. The Inquisitor looked like he was going to cry from pride. Rafael’s dad looked half terrified but mostly impressed. Lily was blowing kisses at Anjali. The other downworld leaders looked quite pleased.

Shadowhunters are so fucking bigoted and narrow-minded. I'm seething right now.

also, alec looking scared-

“THAT’S THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Emma Carstairs yelled.

“Goddamn, I wish Magnus was here to see this,” Uncle Jace grinned. “That was satisfying as hell.”

“No worries, I recorded the whole thing!” Kit put up his hand.

YES YES AND YES

“Fuck the Cohort,” Rafael giggled.

“Actually, I would prefer you use the word screw,” his father pointed out. “Screw the Cohort!”

“Oh my god, Dad!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “I am allowed to swear once in a while.”

“No, you are not,” Dad said firmly – this man was so not ready to meet Max’s new persona. “As your friend pointed out, you are still a child.”

Alec seeing Max curse left and right: 👁️👄👁️

"She hates me!"

“Rafael, she stood up for you in front of the entire Clave. She fought the Cohort. It was incredibly brave. I wish she had spoken to me before without causing all the chaos. So, it was a little stupid of course. But still brave.”

Stupid but brave.

YESYESYESYES IT'S HAPPENING!!!

ANJALI WHO HURT YOU

WHO DARED TO

Names. Give me names NOW

Jaime no...please no not Jaime.

please please, please

ok, I searched it up. And he can get treatment. He can live. It doesn't have to be serious. please, Jaime...

“If you ever tell anyone you saw me crying, I will drag you to Idris and drown you in Lake Lyn.”

This is such an Anjali thing to say.

OOO MILLA (Mila?) MESSAGED!!! Is there gonna be some sort of love triangle here??

me who despises love triangles (aside from TID of course): ...

BUT SINCE IT'S YOU I'M SURE IT'LL BE AMAZING. I'm still nervous about this though...

UHCUHDVUKDVHUKVHUVHM I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO SO SO MUCH IT WAS A LITERAL ROLLERCOASTER AND ANJALI QUEEN I LOVE

see ya on Friday!!

OKAY I AM LOVING THIS ENERGY BUT PLEASE FOCUS ON YOUR CLASSES FJKSDFHJKSJFHKD I PROMISE THE STORY IS GOING TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK LOL.

But I am so glad you like it. Amidst all your screaming and chaos, I always find very perceptive and profound observations. It's fantastic! I love it so much!

Thank you for enjoying LBAF - and good luck with your tests!!!

[babiekeiji]

Yamaguchi is so underated,,,, I'll take anything. First date hc's, crush hc's, whatever you have in mind idc,,,,,just show him some love,,,, thabk you

omg man at this point anything tadashi is priority on the list

Gravity (Always Brings Me Back To You) — Yamaguchi Tadashi

You’ve known Yamaguchi your whole life

No, it’s not that whole cliché your-parents-are-best-friends trope nor is it that boy-next-door type of friendship

You’re Tsukishima’s best friend!!!

So after Yamaguchi starts hanging out with Tsukishima, the three of you instantly become inseparable

The summer before high school starts, and all three of you are attending Karasuno

You spend most of your summer outside of Japan, living your best life

Tsukishima doesn’t even bother asking how you’re doing, he just asks you to bring him back food

Yamaguchi, however, texts you everyday and always asks how you are and what you’ve been up to; probably sends pictures of Tsukishima and him everyday

Always up to greet you good morning and good night, always mentions how much he misses your company and that hanging around with Tsukki w/o you just isnt the same

Though you look at Yamaguchi as a friend, you can’t help but feel special whenever he mentions that he wants you back in their company

You don’t see each other until the first day of high school, and boy

Tadashi???? Has gone from boy to MAN

The amount this dude has grown over the summer is just?????? You used to be at par in terms of height, now he’s a whole 12000 feet taller than you

His features are a lot more prominent too not that you’re complaining

But this obviously is like the grounds for when you start thinking of Yamaguchi Tadashi as a man

These days as you hang out with Tadashi alone you really, really get to take a good look at his face, and wow—his face isn’t “that bad”

One time on the way home Kei had ditched the two of you since his mother picked him up

So it was just the two of you walking home alone; it was still fun even without Kei

He held your hand the whole way home; and though you didn’t know what that meant you still got butterflies just thinking that Yamaguchi Tadashi, man candy, Mr Good Looking, held hour hand and was conscious of doing it—wanted to do it too

Though with Tadashi suddenly hitting puberty also comes new feelings and perspectives for him

So the day Tadashi suddenly starts distancing himself from you you’re left confused and anxious

What did I do wrong? He seems fine whenever he’s around Tsukishima...have I changed ever since I came back?

Despite the sudden distance Tadashi never forgets to let you know he still cares

Buys you that bread you like from the caf whenever you forget to bring your lunch

Helps you study sometimes

Walks you home when Tsukishima can’t be bothered to

Lends you his jacket

But always looks away when you make eye contact

Stops talking to you outside of school (unless its for homework)

Gets awkward whenever you talk to Tsukishima and him

And you just can’t figure out why he’s being like this

So you decide to distance yourself too and start hanging around Yachi and Hinata instead of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi

But of course, we can always count on the reliable Tsukishima Kei, jack of all trades, master of none to patch things up when he’s tired of your bullshit

One day Tsukishima invites you over to his place

And of course you go, because you nd tsukki are still good friends

You do nothing but laze around with him the whole afternoon

Suddenly he pipes, “What is up with you and Yamaguchi? It’s starting to annoy me how distant you guys are being”

You give him a pointed look. “Nothing is going on between the two of us,” you sigh, and its only then that you realize how much you miss the freckled boy, “Yamaguchi just doesn’t like me anymore, I guess.”

He snorts and rolls his eyes, “You got that right.”

“Y’know if you invited me over just to insult me I might as well leave,” you stay sternly, and suddenly Kei is panicking, “I don’t know what the fuck you and Tadashi have been up to these days but if it’s shit like this then maybe I’m glad to have left the two of you alone.”

“What the fuck,” he says, and chases after you as you leave, “No, yn, jesus—yamaguchi just had some feelings he needs to sort out”

“He didn’t have to put that on me”

“Can you stop being difficult”

“No, let me go, I wanna go home”

“You literally live right next door”

“Exactly, I wanna go home”

“Hey.”

You turn to look him in the eye and soften once you realize he’s actually pleading for you to stay

“Listen to me,” he explains. “You can go home and be a brat and bitch and moan all you want—”

“i WILL”

“—but remember this,” he continues, “Yamaguchi has good reason for trying to avoid you...for now. He just needs to sort some of his feelings out.”

“Well, whatever feelings they are,” you pull your hand from his grasp, “you can tell him I don’t care about them at all.”

Great, you think to yourself, I’ve made things awkward for me, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima now.

One day you’re coming back from lunch with Yachi, and you make eye contact with Yamaguchi in the hallways

He tries his best to wave to you in the least bit of effort to say hey, we’re still friends—but realizes it might be too late when it’s you who finally decides to look away first

From that point on just tries his absolute best to reconcile with you

Leaves you little candies on your desk before school starts

Sometimes little notes like “You’re beautiful!” And “I love seeing you happy :)”

One day a note comes that says “You’re still my best friend” and you just start bawling

You just don’t know what you did wrong and you miss your friends

That same afternoon, when everyone leaves and it’s only you left to pack up in the classroom, Yamaguchi approaches you (albeit quite cautiously)

“Hey,” he starts, and it’s obvious he’s flustered by the way he rubs his nape, “Can we talk?”

“Oh,” you scoff, still keeping your stuff, “You wanna talk to me now?”

“Yn,” he calls, and looks you right in the eye as he says, “Don’t make this any harder than it’s supposed to be.”

“Motherfucker this is supposed to be hard on YOU??????????? you left ME, Tadashi! Remember that!!”

“Which is why I’m trying to make amends!” He explains, hands flailing nowhere. “Please. Let me explain.”

You look to the clock. It’s 5:25 pm.

“You have five minutes of my time.”

“You don’t need to worry,” he replies, “I only need two.”

lowkey your heart was THROBBING LIKE WHEN DID THIS SOCIALLY AWKWARD BOY LEARN TO MAKE MOVES LIKE DET DMFMFKEOWKE

“Ever since you came back home from Bali, or the Bahamas—wherever you went for summer—I started to look at you differently,” he starts, “I...I thought you were glowing, and suddenly every feature of yours was just so attractive to me I couldn’t handle it.

And you know, being without you for almost three months just made me realize that I really do like your company, and your stupid laugh and your lame jokes—it made me realize that I needed you in my life, yn. But all these feelings were just so weird—how could I be seeing my childhood best friend like the most beautiful person on earth?

So i tried to run away from them; I tried to run away from them by running away from you, in all hopes that they’d pass and we could go back to normal. But obviously; I was wrong. Being away from you just made my heart grow fonder, because whenever I saw you laugh I just thought to myself, that could have been something so good with me.

I like you, yn,” he states with all confidence he can muster, his olive tan skin glowing as it bathes in the evening sun, freckles dancing on the apples of his cheeks and over the bridge of his nose, and in that exact moment you can’t help but wonder how even after all this time, Yamaguchi Tadashi is the sweetest man of all. “I like you enough to think I actually love you.”

You blink; you feel like you’re about to cry.

Yamaguchi looks towards the clock, looks back to you and shrugs, “I’m sorry. I took three minutes.” He looks to you for a few moments before he clicks his tongue, and looks away. “Yeah, that’s all. You have every right to be mad at me, by the way—”

“Tadashi.”

“Hm?”

“Kiss me.”

His eyes widen, and a blush now develops on the apples of his cheeks, but Yamaguchi doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you and bring your lips to his.

Everything about Tadashi is just as you remembered; his cologne still smells like him, his skin soft and bouncy to the touch, his hair still the same smooth it once was, and Tadashi’s lips taste just like the ice cream you had when you first held his hand

Though a lot about Yamaguchi Tadashi has changed, you know in your heart that he’s still the same, sweet boy he always was.

He pulls away, but not exactly; his lips are still on yours, eyes still closed, his face close enough for you to feel his breath on your skin,

“I love you, yn,” he mumbles against your lips, “I want you to be mine,” he kisses,

“Today,” another,

“Tomorrow,” another,

“And all the days after that...”

Needless to say, that same afternoon Tadashi’s lips are swollen and his chest almost physically hurts from the fast beating of his heart,

But that’s okay, since he’s headed home with a heart and a hand full of you, you, only you.

[70ships-moved]

batcave

summary: malcolm has something to show puck in their makeshift music studio.

words: 1101 (longer than i thought but idc!!! i have a lot to say and i love my man!!!)

notes: brief nudity but nothing explicit

It isn’t often that Puck and Malcolm get days off. They rarely get those days off together. Neither of them expected today to be that day. It was nice to wake up beside one another for a change. No alarms, no groaning when someone turned on the light, just a slow and peaceful morning in each other’s arms. The two wouldn’t have it any other way. Being in the presence of each other for an entire day was a moment to be cherished. How were they going to spend this precious day? By doing absolutely nothing.

Being too comfortable or maybe too lazy, they didn’t get out of bed for a few hours after waking up. Puck had to be the one to break the cuddle session which proved to be a lot more difficult than they thought. Malcolm had one hell of a grip, definitely stronger than Puck expected, and as hard as saying “Let me go or I’ll break up with you” to those sleepy puppy dog eyes were, the impossible had been done. Leaving a pouty-faced Malcolm behind, Puck decided to start their day as they normally would, doing their skin routine then hopping in the shower. After about fifteen minutes, Puck returns to the bedroom to a now less pouty Malcolm most likely eagerly awaiting Puck’s return. A smile slowly spreads across his lips as Puck walks in. “Did you miss me?” Puck asks, grabbing the tube of body lotion that sat on top of the dresser.

“Oh,” Malcolm says dramatically with a hand on his forehead for good measure, “I ache every time I’m not in your presence.”

Puck sits beside him on the bed, unraveling the towel and drying their arms and legs. “Damn, that’s crazy. Sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”

“How was your shower?”

“Good. Wet.” Puck hands Malcolm the towel, moving their hair over their shoulder. “Dry my back for me?” Malcolm scoots closer, gently dragging the towel across Puck’s back. Once he’s done, he presses a small kiss to their exposed shoulder. The scent of black cherry is faint against their skin.

“You smell nice.”

“What a weird way of saying you wanna make out with me. Thanks, I used your favorite soap.”

Puck gets dressed, slipping on a pair of underwear and one of Malcolm’s shirts they laid out before getting in the shower. They hand Malcolm the lotion, sticking their arm out. He squeezes it onto his hands and begins massaging it into Puck’s arm.

“I know,” Malcolm says. “For once my make-out window is wide open today. But there’s something I wanna show you in the Batcave first. You’re gonna love it.”

“Cool. Am I gonna love it as much as I love making out with you?”

He kisses Puck’s hand, “Maybe. Once you hear it, you’ll want to make out with me.”

“Bold of you to assume that I already don’t want to make out with you.”

--

The spare room in their apartment dubbed Batcave by Malcolm is a home for their music equipment. Puck had stocked up on way more equipment than expected from their job, basically taking anything the music venue didn’t want anymore. Guitar pedals, sound and mixing equipment, microphones- whatever they can get their hands on. They even got away with a drum kit. Malcolm keeps a few old rock records in there along with an acoustic guitar Puck had drawn little doodles of hearts, stars, and crescent moons on. Around the ceiling, fairy lights dangle and vintage concert posters cover the walls. Malcolm sits across from Puck on the floor. He’d just finished playing a new chord progression he’d been meaning to show them.

“What do you think?”

“It sounded good babe. It sounded like Cream or one of those psychedelic songs. You should keep working on it.”

Malcolm’s eyes widen at the compliment. He tries to suppress it but a smile comes across his lips. “Yeah? You think so? I messed up on that last part. Guess I got too excited to show you,” he chuckles shyly.

Puck smiles. “I do. You get better every time you play. Play it for me again.” Malcolm’s eyes grow wide again.

“Again?”

Puck nods. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Malcolm clears his throat. His hand shakily grip the neck of the guitar before placing his fingers on the fretboard. Before he can strum, he pauses, looking down and scratching his head. He doesn’t see it but Puck’s head cocks to the side. They look worried. “What’s wrong?” Malcolm jumps a bit.

“Uh. It’s nothing. I just um…” His eyes still don’t meet Puck’s. He clears his throat again, running his fingers through his hair. He tries strumming again but pauses. “I…I can’t.”

“I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to but- oh my god. You’re blushing.”

Malcolm can hear the smile in Puck’s voice and it only makes his face hotter. Malcolm groans, hiding his face in his hands. “Do you have to point it out?”

“Malcolm, you’re as pale as a ghost. When any color hits your face I can see it from a mile away,” Puck says, moving Malcolm’s hands away from his face. “You’re too cute. Why can’t you play for me?”

“Because you look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“You know...all wide-eyed and whatnot,” He takes Puck’s hands, his thumbs brushing over their knuckles. “Like I’m the center of your universe.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that you’ve been the center of my universe for two years now?” Puck asks as they cup Malcolm’s face into their hands. “It goes both ways, you know. You look at me like that too.”

Malcolm raises an eyebrow, smirking. “Like what?”

“You know...like you want me. Not like that but- you know what I’m trying to say.”

“Puck, darling, light of my life. I will always want you.” He inches closer and rests his forehead against Puck’s. “I chose you and you only.”

I chose you. Those words always made Puck’s heart flutter. Puck had never been someone’s one and only and Malcolm did whatever he could to make them feel that way. They’d never been vulnerable with anyone before and Malcolm made them feel so seen and they hated it but allowed it because it was him. Puck had always chosen Malcolm and he’d do the same. It was a hard concept for Puck to wrap their head around sometimes. It’s been two years and he’s still here. He still picked them. Puck couldn’t believe it.

“I know. Thank you for choosing me.”

Malcolm smiles before kissing their forehead, “Likewise.”

[kingofbr00klyn]

Newsies prompts! Yeah! Um... 1. Jack being a big brother to Race. 2. Crutchie and Racetrack getting into some trouble together. 3. Jack and Spot caring for some of the littles. Pick one or write them all idc. Can’t wait to read!

Hi this took me like 4 days to write, I thought it was longer than that but okay, I have loads of other stuff in the works, this is just the first one I finished. Sorry for the wait. So this is for the prompt we’re Crutchie and Race get into trouble.

I tried to mix both 1992sies and livesies in this, but I don’t think it really comes across. Also, this story is ever so slightly exaggerated, but oh well. But it’s been a while since I’ve written anything, so this probably isn’t the best.

This will also be found on my AO3 account.

"Remind me ta never listen ta you again."

"How was I'se suppost ta know this would 'appen?"

"Well, I dunno. But now I’m in trouble because a’ summing I didn’t even do."

“Oh c’mon! Nuthin’ bad happened. I came out worse than you did. You get to go home scot-free.”

“But still. This is all your fault an’ I’m gonna make sure everyone knows it.”

"Wow, Crutch, whatta' way to throw a pal under da bus."

"You'se deserve it."

Race rolled his eyes and sulked further down into his chair, only to regret it when the hard plastic rubbed uncomfortably into his back. He glanced at his companion, who looked just about as shit as he felt. Crutchie kept nervously running a hand through his hair and fidgeting with the helm of his shirt, he looked like someone who had just been caught doing something illegal. Oh wait, that's because he had. Let's take a step back, shall we?

2 hours earlier.

Crutchie stood outside his door step, awaiting Race's arrival. The two had decided to spend the evening together, since none of their other friends were available. Race had said he would pick him up at 6. After Crutchie's watch ticked 6:15, Race's old TP Cruiser pulled up. He wore a bright, cheeky grin as he leaned over to open the passenger side door. "Get in loser, we're going shopping!" Crutchie gleefully obliged, grabbing his crutch and sliding into the front seat.

"Are you ready for the funnest night of yer life?" Race asked, a unlit cigar hanging loosely from his mouth.

Crutchie laughed. "We'se just goin' ta the diner on 4th, ain't we?"

"Nope," Race grabbed something from the cupholder beside him and handed it to Crutchie. "Just got this from my guy. Thought we'd treat ourselves tonight." It was a fake ID.

Antonio Higgings

11/12l1997

XXX XXXX XXX

XX/XX/XX

XX/XX/XX

"Yer guy?" Crutchie snorted, handing the card back. "You'se mean Albert."

"Maybe I do. Anyway, I'm low on cigs and shit, so I thought we'se stop by a corner shop and see how well this baby works." Starting the engine, Race pulled out of Crutchie's drive and set off for the nearest place that would give them what they wanted.

"What if we'se get caught? I don't wanna be done just because you'se got a nicotine addiction." Crutchie offered, messing with the diles for the radio.

"Then I punch Albert in the face," Race resorted. That drew a snicker from the blonde. "But seriously, don't worry 'bout it. Everthin's gonna be a-okay!"

Spolier altert; it wasn't.

After 10 or so minutes of driving, Race pulled to a stop and poorly parked the car. "Eh, good enough." He got out, with Crutchie tailing right behind him.

"You don't gotta come in. Ya know, cuz yer so scared of gettin' caught." The taller boy mocked.

Crutchie retaliated by hitting Race in the leg with his crutch. "I'm comin' wit' cha so you don't get punched in the face." Race forged offence, but waved off the comment.

The shop was small, just your regular off-licence, cheap booze with an even cheaper taste, the perfect thing to fuel Race's needs. A little bell rang as they opened the door, there weren't many people inside the shop, Crutchie noted the few middle aged men who were likely in there for similar reasons as themselves. Race swaggered to the front counter, an air of confidence around him. The shop clerk, a young man with a stoic expression, rolled his eyes at the tall blonde.

"What can I get you?" The clerk's tone was as cheerful as expected.

Race grinned cockily. "A smile would be a start, sweetheart," The shop clerk didn't respond, but continued to glare the boy down. "Okay then… A box o' ya finest Corona's and summa that scotch ya got up there." Race slapped $50 on the counter, along with his fake ID.

The clerk picked the card up, eying it suspiciously. Crutchie had a feeling this wouldn’t end well. “Yah think you’re funny, kid? Think I don’t know what a fake ID looks like?” The clerk said. “I’m gonna have to call the cops, you know.”

Race’s expression floored. Disbelief and fear quickly made itself at home. Crutchie felt a similar dread rise up in his stomach, he looked to Race for an inkling of what to do next, but the tall boy just continued to stare dumbly. Until he finally said, “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill Albert.”

As it turns out, the shop had an undercover officer outside the shop to deal with instances like this. The clerk called him in, and he escorted Crutchie and Race to the local station. Luckily, they had pretty much just been given a slap on the wrist and a call home. Except, since this wasn’t Race’s first offence, so he had also been slapped with a $50 fine.

The boys anxiously awaited the arrival of the parents. Race had already had a million and one messages from his brother, Jack. The sonva’ was having a field day with this. Text after text about how much trouble Race would be in, how he was grounded and how much shit Jack’s going to give him for this. Race ignored his brother, instead opting for spamming Albert with a variety of angry messages in all caps.

GottaGoFast - RedHeadHoe

19:05

GottaGoFast: ALBERT FUCKING DASILVA

GottaGoFast: U FUCKING BITCH

GottaGoFast: IM SO GOING TO KILL U

RedHeadHoe: ???

GottaGoFast: im at the police station

RadHeadHoe: oh what did u do now???

RedHeadHoe: OH

RedHeadHoe: YOU GOT CAUGHT

RedHeadHoe: HA

GottaGoFast: YEAH AND ITS ALL UR FAULT

RedHeadHoe: how is it my fault???

GottaGoFast: BECAUSE UR THE 1 WHO GAVE ME THE ID

RedHeadHoe: dude u didnt have to use it

RedHeadHoe: also i dont make them so it aint my fault

RedHeadHoe: blame my guy

GottaGoFast: ur guy?????

RedHeadHoe: ye

RedHeadHoe: skittery

GottaGoFast: ok but ur still dead

RedHeadHoe: cool

GottaGoFast: dentys gonna be here soon so gotta go

RedHeadHoe: good luck my dude

GottaGoFast: fuck u

RedHeadHoe: :)

Race slipped his phone into his pocket, just in time to see some familiar faces walk though the station door. Bryan Denton, Race’s foster father, walked up to the receptionist desk, before being pointed towards where the boys were sitting. Race looked at Crutchie, before straightening his back and putting on his most charming smile. "Heya Denty!" Race beamed, hoping to the gods above that this would go in his favour. Bryan didn't look particularly mad, but Denton never really got mad. It was like the man was incapable of it, it was great, and Race had done a lot of things that would cause any parent to flip their shit.

"Race," Bryan started, calm and collected as always."What were you thinking?" Okay, maybe it wasn't as great as Race thought, Denton's tranquill state was quite unsettling at the moment, Race had no idea what he was thinking.

"We'se just wanted to have a bit a' fun, ya know, teenage stuff," The blonde rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Did they'se tell ya 'bout da fine?"

"Yeah, they told me over the phone," Denton said. "I'll pay it and then we'll go home. Jack's waiting for us in the car.”

Race rolled his eyes. "Oh yay."

Crutchie didn't really pay much attention to the scene in front of him, he was too caught up in his own head. Fear and worry filled his thoughts, his grandmother wasn't the most forgiving then it came to things like this. Crutchie remembered once when he was 7 and snuck out of his room in the middle of the night to get one of the freshly baked cookies his grandmother had made that day, the elderly woman had found out about his midnight snack and boy was there hell to pay. She wasn't particularly mean or nasty, she could just be strict at times.

Times like these, Crutchie thought as he saw his grandmother barrel towards him with an expression that would make the toughest of men wet themselves. "Charles Andrew Morris! You are in so much trouble, young man!" Oh no, she used his full name. He really was a goner.

"Race, I don't think I'm comin' outta this alive…” Crutchie said.

Race snorted. "Don't worry, my dude, I got this." Crutchie didn't have time to ask what 'this' was, as Race stepped in front of him and greeted his grandmother.

"Mrs Morris, so good ta see ya 'gain," Race started. That diverted the woman from her path of destruction, as she instead gave the blonde a striking glare. The Italian tried not to shrink under her gaze, opting to continue with his sentence. "So um, ya see, Ma'am. It wasn't actually Crutchie's fault, it was mine. So, err, don't punish him for my mistake."

What?

Crutchie was in complete disbelief. And he wasn't the only one, Bryan shared a similar expression. While Race was a good friend, he was also a bit of an asshole, so him taking all the blame for this (even though it was his fault), was a surprise.

Crutchie’s grandmother eyed the boy suspiciously, before she turned on her heels and walked away. “Come on, Charlie, it’s time to go home.”

Crutchie was slightly dumbfounded, but didn’t question as he hugged Race. “Thanks man.”

Race winked and smiled. “No problem, Crutch. Text me if you ain’t dead!”

“Will do!”

RiceCrutchies - Racer

21:35

RiceCrutchies: Guess who aint dead :)))

Racer: yayyyy

Racer: so what happened

RiceCrutchies: Gran wasn’t very happy but she wasnt too mad

RiceCrutchies: Im grounded for 2 weeks tho

Racer: oh well at least we had 1 last night of fun before that

RiceCrutchies: Yea so how’d it go with Denton???

Racer: not too bad

Racer: im also grounded but they took my cigs at the police station so i need to get more from Albert

RiceCrutchies: You think you would have learnt your lesson but ok

Racer: 👌

Racer: i gotta go crutch see you in school???

RiceCrutchies: Yeah, see you and try not to do anything illegal between then

Racer: no promises

RiceCrutchies: 🤦‍

[sadisticpussies]

A Friend in Me

(Rina one shot)

Pairing: Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter

Fandom: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series

Note: These two characters have AMAZING chemistry together. I love how well they both understand each other. That car scene definitely turned me into a rina shipper (fight me, idc.) I'm here for them being friends right now because they both need that at the moment. But I would also love to see the show explore them as a couple in future seasons. It would be a wasted potential if they didn't.

...

He savagely crunched on the raspberry flavored snow cone that he held in his hands, his curly brown hair wisped in the crisp autumn air as he cruised down the sidewalk, riding his skateboard.

It was an early Saturday afternoon, usually he would be spending his free time with Bed Red, playing video games in his basement while they guzzled down heaps of junk food until their stomachs hurt, but today Ricky needed to go to the one place that always helped him clear his head.

Upon his parents really informing him of the gut wrenching news about their divorce and his dad still sulking on the couch in his melancholia, Ricky was adamant on avoiding going back home in any way that he could. Everything was changing, his family was slowly tearing apart and he didn't know what to do or how to make things better.  

So, he did what he did best; went to the skatepark to clear his mind. Prior to joining the theatre club, Ricky found solace in the skatepark whenever he needed a place to escape to. He would be there for hours, carelessly riding around until his momentary problems perished from his brain. 

Ricky knew that eventually, he would have to confront his new reality about his home life, but right now all he wanted to think about was skating. He silently chewed on the flavored ice, licking the sweet, sticky liquid that coated the shaved ice, savoring in the delicious fruity taste. He effortlessly maneuvers his skateboard down the sidewalk, easing through the pedestrians that walked ahead of him. 

He rode past the park, intending to head directly to the skatepark until he caught vision of a girl sullenly slouched over as she was perched underneath a tree. Squinting his eyes and doing a quick double take, Ricky notices that it's Gina. He plants his foot down onto the pavement of the sidewalk, bringing the skateboard to an abrupt halt. 

Ricky picked up the board and tucked it underneath his arm as he stood there momentarily watching her from afar. He chewed numbly on his bottom lip, hestitant, contemplating if he should approach her or not. He knew that they weren't exactly friends, he'd only given her a ride home after homecoming. But, he assumed that after they talked a bit in the car and expressed how both of their home lives sucked right now, that they were at least friendly acquaintances. 

Exhaling a deep breath of air, Ricky slowly gaitered towards her. She must've heard his footsteps or sensed seomone approaching, because her head quickly snapped up as she turned around, narrowing a grimace at whoever was coming. “Hey, it's just me.” Ricky says, one hand raised defensively in the air and the features of her annoyed scowl slowly smoothed into a small, faint smile at the his presence.

He gives her a small, upward smile in return. He gestures to the empty spot on the ground next to her, nonverbally asking if he could sit. Gina nods as she scoots over and makes room for him. He sits his skateboard down onto the ground before easing next to her. They sit in a stilled silence at first, each of them consumed in their own thoughts, unsure of what to say. Ricky speaks first; softly clearing his throat before asking,  “A-Are you okay?”

And he inwardly winces in chagrin at the question because it was evidently clear that she wasn't. “Sorry, that was a dumb–” 

“No,” Gina says, interjecting him mid-sentence.“It wasn't a dumb question.” She assures him. She averts her gaze down to her folded hands that sat in her lap.  She shrugs her shoulders, smiling sadly before answering, “It's my mom.” She vaguely explains. 

The night of the homecoming dance after he apologized to her for rudely confronting her for coming to the dance with EJ, Ricky remembered her informing him about her having trouble at home too, and how her face fell into a sad frown at the mention of it just as it did right now. “We kinda had a fight about me being in the musical. She thinks it's a waste of time and that I should be doing something more productive.” Gina elaborated with a wry scoff as she shook her head in dismay. 

“Maybe she's right...”

“What? No!” Ricky incredulously exclaimed in rebuttal. Gina lifts her head and looks at him, her eyes widened with a piqued curiosity. Ricky sighed softly as he ran a hand through his pillowy curls. “You are talented, Gina. Someone as talented as you deserves to be in a place that helps showcase that talent. Being in the musical is doing just that. You're passionate about it and you shouldn't let your mom or anyone else make you feel like you don't belong here because you do.” Ricky blushes when he sees the amused smile she's giving him. He bit at the corner of his bottom lip, shrugging a shoulder as he sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck. 

“Youre not wasting anything. You're exactly where you need to be.” He admits.

Gina smiles, softly, tilting a curious head up at him. Prior to a few words of exchanges in practice, she and Ricky hardly spoke to each other but now here they were talking, having in depth conversations about something that she would never talk about with anyone else. She refrained from being vulnerable and letting people see her soft side, it was a defense mechanism she adapted after constantly being moved from city to city. She never had anyone to talk to, never had someone to actually sit down and listen to her. So, she sheltered her emotions and placated a vivacious façade. 

It was strange, because for reasons unbeknownst to her, she could feel herself wanting to open to her vulnerability. Before meeting him she never felt that way, but whenever she was around Ricky Bowen, Gina could feel heself at a comfortable ease, like she could talk to him without the fear of being judged. They understood each other and she liked that, because she always felt like an outsider wherever she went.

“You hardly know me, how do you know what I'm passionate about?” She quips, playfully, teasing him only a little. 

“Because, I can see it whenever you sing or dance.” He answers truthfully, and Gina feels her heart erratically pulsating against her chest. The blush that flushes his cheeks deepens a rosy scarlet as he averted his eyes up to hers, meeting her gaze. “You're an amazing dancer, probably the best one that I know. You shouldn't think differently just because your mom thinks so. You belong in High School Musical just as much as anyone else.” Ricky adamantly reassures her.

Normally, he probably wouldn't been embarrassed by this admitting, he usually wasn't the type of person to excel at pep talks. With Gina however, it was different. The similarities they shared; with both of them being outsiders and dealing with home drama, he felt like he could talk to her. He understood what she was going through. He too has had those moments of feeling lost and and not having anyone to talk to, of needing a friend to help him get through it.

 

Gina smiled softly in appreciation. “Thanks for saying that and for checking up on me. I know you probably had important things to do.” She says, nodding her head towards his skateboard that laid forgotten in the grass.

Ricky shook his head. “Nah, not really. I was just gonna go to the skatepark for a few hours. I needed to get away from home, you know? It's one of those days.” He exasperates with a heavy sigh and Gina nods her head in understanding.

“Yeah, I've been having a lot of those at home lately.” She somberly confesses, she glanced around the park taking in its natural scenery. “This seems to be the only place besides theatre where I can clear my head after a hard day.” Gina says, and Ricky silently chews on his inner cheek as he contemplates an idea.

“Would you want to come with me to the skatepark?” Gina's eyebrows furrow in curiosity at his suggestion. He elaborates further. “It's where I go when I need a few hours away to myself. I figure why be alone when you can be with a friend instead?”

“Friend?” She repeats, in an aghast surprise. She didn't know that he considered her a friend. Just as she told him before, making friends wasn't easy for her due to her parents constantly moving her around, and now with them finding stability in their small house residing in Salt Lake City, it was still a great challenge for her to make friends as she was still fairly new at school and had an unjustifiable reputation as a mean girl to those in theatre club. People tended to steer away from Gina whenever she walked down the halls, or avoiding talking to her at any cost. Not him though, not Ricky.

“Yeah, a friend.” He rouses to his feet, absentmindedly dusting the dirt off of his jeans before offering her his hand. “Come on, we could take turns riding the board.”

“I don't know how to ride a skateboard.”

He shrugged, still smiling widely at her. “It's okay. I can teach you.” Gina contemplated for a moment before eventually sliding the palm of her hand over his, grasping onto his fingers as he help her to her feet. Ricky reached down and picked up his skateboard, they walked side by side heading to the skatepark.

[starsmuserainbow]

So, since I had one person reblogging that munday thing directly from me without sending something in (which lead to me blocking them, because sorry but it takes like a few seconds to send something if you really have to directly reblog it; you don’t even have to actually be interested in the answer - maybe I’m mean or sth but I have it in my rules since recently so idc sorry), I decided that I’m just gonna answer 2 things from the meme without them being sent in.

What is something or someone you have always wanted to write with? i.e. a particular plot, a character, etc. 

Well, I mean, I did have some interactions here and there with (at least some of) the characters I’m gonna mention now, but nothing that went really far (so far, some of the interactions I had/have might still be going if the person ever returns from the void), but yeah, I can give at least 3 examples here - which is how many I’ll give.

Mar’i! Like please - A Sailor-(Chibi-)Moon-esque meeting; I so much want this and to have her then just stay with the team or something. The mess it’ll make out of Starfire and Robin to hear ‘oh i’m your daughter from the future’ and the cuteness that would come from it! I really long to have a Mar’i to do good and lasting interactions with. It’d be really interesting to have her encounter Blackfire too, and I think it would be most cute to have Wildfire learn about her as well, not to mention Galfore! Basically, I love Mar’i, and my muses would too, so yes I very much long to have her.

Red X. There are some Red X’s around every now and then, and I know of at least one that I assume is still sorta active and I hope that we will still continue our threads, but yes. I actually really like the idea of him and Blackfire getting... together to an amount, not necessarily shipping-wise, and I was desperate enough to before write some drabbles about it that I never published. (And yes, in these drabbles I based Red X on the idea of being Jason Todd which is a common assumption in the fandom as far as I know, but that doesn’t mean I see him as that for certain or anything) So yeah, I just really want to explore their relationship.

And this is probably already known to people who are around for a bit on my blog(s), but, I really really really want Wildfire to be able to form a wonderful relationship to Jericho/Joey. I actually drabbled that too, once here as actual text but I wasn’t too fond of how I did that so I also made a simple list of notes, again both without ever publishing.

Give us a rough estimate: How much time have you spent on your graphics? (icons, theme, banners, promos, etc) 

Uh, well, I have no idea.

I tend to spend a few hours with a theme or the likes until I’m content with it (of course, I pick themes that already exist so I probably spend less time on that than others do who do fully their own themes), so there’s that.

Icons take literally forever, especially Wildfire’s since I also edit the source there, and I still need to re-do Starfire’s icons since I left out too many good things during my first iconing years ago.

Promos, I’d say that once I set out to do one I can get it out in like 1 or 2 hours or so, since I have a rather routine-y way of doing them. Take one image of the muse, transparenticize it, put some background behind it, add some brushes or other decorations and the name of the blog and the details.

[souljournaler]

shadow check-in

here's some notes from checking in with my shadow. they've been a bit loud lately, & it's starting to become distracting. this is our conversation. I'm blue, shadow is red

whoa hey that's a lot of space you're taking up in here

and whose fault is that?

yeah ok well there's a lot of stuff happening right now in the world thats stressful

yeah well u can't save everyone

I'm not trying to save everyone

sure jan

so what's up? you seem to need my attention a bit more right now

you can't just pop in to say hi?

I'm literally doing that right now actually

ok ok ok so listen listen

fuck you

please tell me what's up

(career doubts due to feelings of personal inadequacy) & (fear of f*sc*st p*l*ce st*te)

idk why you even bother with a career, the collapse of the empire is coming. besides, no one wants your advice, & you've got no other skills. why would people keep you around when everything is going to shit? especially when u benefited from oppressive systems for so long & even strived for a seat at their table? do you even deserve to stay around?

man you know like most of that isn't true, but do i hear you're afraid of being abandoned by people you love who you've put a lot of energy into building relationships with. why do you think they'd abandon you? we have lots of cool friends who have stayed around they all the hard times.

no YOU have friends that love YOU. and theyre only going to stay until things get TOO bad, and then theyll decide we're a lost cause. especially when they see me

we're the same person mate. & the lads have seen you. & theyre still around

most ppl leave though

and plenty will. it sux but it is what it is. you of all people know better than anyone we can't please everyone, where's that energy now?

ok ok shut up fuck you, i get it

ok i have a question for you now

ya?

why are you afraid that something is gonna take over that we can't control?

cuz it might make me do something that scares other people, & you'd never let me hear the end of it if that happened. you'd probably even tell me it was our fault.

lol thats true. you already scare people enough without being hijacked by a scary entity though, so what's the problem?

LOL thats true. i wouldn't want to accidentally hurt someone though

again, you already do that without being hijacked

fuck ok yeah ig thats tru. i just would rather have my wits about me if I'm gonna do something stupid.

i feel like not being conscious or fully in control of your actions is probably a good excuse though if something were to happen

dude

no

why not

dude. autonomy

so you'd rather actually choose to hurt someone while fully present for your mistake?

that's kind of warped. is it a choice if it's an accident?

hm. guess not. is it really an accident if you choose to do the thing that caused it?

i think you just answered your question

so you'd channel again? full shift?

I'd like to. i don't really have an occasion though

you don't really need an occasion

i feel like i need an occasion

why

...

you could just be chilling

who would i even channel?

you could channel me 😈

i could. what would you have us do?

[redacted]

ok see, that is exactly why im afraid of full shift channeling, cuz you might do some shit like that!

I'm just kidding! unless...?

no. no [redacted] yet

yet!!!

yet. see this is why i have to rely on our higher self so much

i actually think [redacted] is a good idea if you're trying to [redacted]

please don't, that's really not helping right now

right right, ok, bye

bye

bye bitch

so you're afraid that whatever spirit we channel is gonna exploit my energy to make you do stupid shit?

yes

lol, again, u dont need me to do stupid shit, you'll do that all on your own

thanks

i just mean, the fear is pointless. at the very least, you don't have to be afraid of me, specifically, making you do stupid shit. you stop me all the time, even when our state of consciousness is hella altered. i TRY to get you to do stupid shit while we're out of it. sometimes i succeed, but if we end up too fucked up, even when you're literally unconscious, you know who steps in every time?

higher self?

higher self. remember that time we were drugged?

yes. i mean no. but yes

the driver's seat was wide open then. & higher self stepped in to protect us

that's nice of them

yes. "nice." 😬 anyway i can't rly answer for other spirits outside of us, since i still always have u falling for my bullshit (lol btw. you have GOT to stop doing that, or keep doing it, idc) but i think we're stronger than you give us credit for. between me & higher self, we wouldn't let anything happen to us. you need to trust us more.

ok. that's actually really nice, shadow. thanks

yeah, you know, it's just true, ok? you don't have to thank me for stating a fact

shadow you know you can just take the compliment right?

fuck you. anyway just, if you wanna channel, just do it

but ppl might think im weird & crazy!

ppl literally already think you're weird & crazy, get over it

you know we care a lot about what ppl think.

no. we don't. we care about someone sending cops after us.

ok true. what do you say about that tho?

easy, don't talk to cops

yes bc that's SO easy in these united states of america

ok ok, i hear you. so let's think, what IF the cops came to get us for channeling? all someone would have to do is claim you're violent or a danger to urself & others, then what? death by cop?

that's the fear, yup

what, so you're afraid of being murdered by a cop?

yes

hm. well, i would just [redacted] in that case

which would probably get us killed faster, actually

maybe! ok probably. what if they took us though? what would happen then?

probably a mandatory 72 hours, maybe longer if they wanted to keep us locked up

& we've gotten thru that before, right?

right. it's worse now though than when we were a teen

what are you afraid of there? other than being held against our will longer than the mandatory 72 hours, of course

you know, same shit grandma went thru. sedation, r*pe, & shock "therapy"

why would they do that to us though?

idk, i might not be able to mask that long & have a meltdown or smth. also not much we could do if one of the employees was a r*pist.

ok yeah that would suck. how likely is that actually, though? or are you just scared because of confirmation bias?

probably confirmation bias.

ok well then maybe realize that's not a likely enough scenario for u to spend so much energy on a block of fear like that. we don't need it right now. if it ever becomes useful, it'll still be here for one of us to put it back. but for now, what do you want to do?

i want to be able to channel again, full shift

ok then. I'll hang onto this block until we need it, if ever. ok?

ok

thanks. i know you & higher self will keep me safe

yeah, whatever. you'd better.

ok im a bit tuckered out from that. good convo though, i think

toodles

Sol

[surveysonfleek]

450.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 18

1701. How will tomorrow be like today? i’ll have the day off :) totally fine with that. 1702. How would you react if a stranger pinched your bottom? i’d call them out. 1703. When was the last time you went on a date? i don’t really know what counts as a date with my boyfriend and i anymore, but we went out for dinner together on tuesday. 1704. Have you ever ridden a horse? yes. 1706. What is almost over? ok i can’t, there’s missing questions again...

1707. What should you be doing that you are putting off? looking for new jobs. 1708. How much would you have to change physically before you would no longer be yourself anymore? if someone couldn’t recognise me from old photos then i’d consider that not being myself anymore. 1709. How much would you have to change mentally before you would no longer be yourself anymore? if the people around me don’t like me for who i am anymore i guess. 1710. Would you rather be famous or notorious? famous. 1711. Would you rather have a necklace that's dripping with diamonds or a blueberry farm? the necklace. i don’t even like blueberries. 1712. Could you take first place in a beauty contest? hell no. 1713. Who is the biggest hypocrite you know and why? no one comes to mind straight away. 1714. Would you consider yourself to be more opinionated or bitchy? opinionated. 1715. How long is it until your next day off? today! 1716. What sound is annoying you right now? there’s been the same bird chirping outside for the past couple of hours. it’s not even a chirp, i think it’s in heat or something. 1717. Imagine you're taking a vacation with 4 people. Who are they? dwayne, irene, ahmad andddd bek. 1718. The five of you travel by plane. Suddenly your plane crashes down over snowy mountains. The pilot and the air crew and all the other passengers die. The only way for you to survive is for one of you to get eaten by the others. Who will it be? omg idk... i’d offer myself i guess. 1719. Anorexia and obesity are two life threatening eating related disorders. Why is it that when it is discovered that someone is an anorexic they are rushed to the hospital, but when someone is obese they are not rushed to the hospital? not sure how to answer that. 1720. Who is your favorite smurf? smurfette. 1721. Why do you do things that you know are bad for you? for some reason they always feel/taste/are better. 1722. How important is testing to education? no idea. i always hated tests. 1723. What food group do you eat the most of (bread and pasta, meats and eggs and fish, fruits and vegetables, milk and cheese, sugar and butter)? between meats and veg i guess. 1724. Who is the most adorable person you know? my baby cousin, victoria. 1725. If you had to spend a half hour locked in a dark closet with someone from school or work that you don't normally hang out with who would you want it to be? haha i have no idea. no one tbh. 1726. How often do you masturbate in a week? i’d say once every 2-3 weeks tbh. 1727. In the USA people work a full third of the year for the government, due to taxes. How do you feel about this? i don’t live in the usa so idc. 1728. Should people be allowed to use cell phones in their cars? nah, i know of people getting into accidents coz they were on their phones. 1729. Have you ever been in the room while a human baby was born? nope. 1730. Have you ever been in the room while an animal baby was born? no. 1731. Did you see the video The Miracle of Life in school? no. 1732. How do you feel about having a baby? not sure. someday! 1733. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? yes. 1734. Who are you waiting for an email/call/note/visit from? my boyfriend. 1735. What are you counting the days until? my birthday lol. 1736. What is the greatest temptation for you? nothing. 1737. How do you resist it? - 1738. Who is your knight in shining armor? haha idk. 1739. If you were walking and someone behind you yelled "HEY YOU!" would you turn around? yeah. 1740. Do loud noises make you tense? they give me a fright i guess. 1741. Has anyone ever told you that your epidermis was showing? nope. 1742. Would you rather work or stay home with the baby? i’d like to stay home with the baby until they’re old enough for daycare. 1743. Would you rather have people agree with you all the time or tell you the honest truth? tell me the honest truth. 1744. Will you/have you gone to your high school reunion? no thanks. 1745. What do you think of your yearbook picture? it’s alright. 1746. Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer? gatherer. 1747. If you ever were to visit Hershey Park, the theme park based on the chocolate candy, would you enjoy going to the spa where you can be treated to a whipped cocoa bath, a milk and honey bath, or simply a chocolate fondue skin wrap? the skin wrap. 1748. If someone asks you to read a poem they wrote, will you really take your time to try and understand what they wrote and tell them what you think or just read it quickly and tell them that its really good? i’d definitely try to understand it. 1749. Do you feel that if a coincidence occurs it means something? not always. 1750. Were you beautiful as a child? i was actually. wtf happened haha. 1751. Do you think that it is okay for a homosexual or a woman to become a priest? i don’t see the problem if they’re devoted to the religion and they never get married. 1752. Which would you rather give up forever, religion or sex? religion. 1753. What comes to mind when you think of these places: Canada? toronto UK? fish and chips USA? hot dogs Australia? sunny weather Germany? bratwurst Italy? pizza 1754. What does your favorite bumper sticker say? i don’t have a fave. 1755. Have you ever taken a shower with another person? yes. 1756. What bath toys do you have, if any? none. 1757. Would you rather propose to someone you love or would you rather be proposed to by someone you love? i’d rather be proposed to. 1758. How can you reject someone nicely? thank them for the offer but tell them you don’t want to or aren’t ready. 1759. What kinds of diary names make you interested enough to check out the diary? - 1760. What do you think are three common passwords people use to secure their diaries? names, nicknames, pet names, birthdays. 1761. Pick an object in the room. Give that object a name. no. 1762. What is the quickest way to make you blush? compliment me lol. 1763. Do you usually feel that you deserve it when other people compliment you? it depends what it’s for. 1764. If you were to start your own business what kind of business do you think it might be? no idea. something in design. 1765. What is one of your pet peeves? when people cough without covering their mouths. 1766. What question do you get asked too frequently? do you still talk to the last person you kissed? 1767. You notice a ring is priced $40.00, but the cashier only charges you $10.00. Do you mention this to the cashier? haha yeah i think i would. 1768. Could a kiss on the ___ be considered cheating? Cheek? no Lips? yes Nose? this is just weird Hand? no Ear? still weird. Neck? assuming it’s passionate, yeah. 1769. Would it bother you if your lover occasionally flirted with others? of course. 1770. How long has it been since you last played truth or dare? absolute years. 1771. Should people who are living now be obligated to do things that will make the world better for people who will live 100 years from now? not obligated but it’s damn logic to preserve as much as we can for future generation. 1772. Imagine you have a dream in which someone you care for acts mean to you. Is it possible you will still be angry with this person when you wake up? haha it’s definitely happened before. i usually brush it off and tell the person. 1773. Have you ever left someone a note with a picture in it? If yes, how do you do it? i don’t think so. 1774. What do you fear more, death or pain? pain. 1775. Are the questions still interesting this far into the survey? somewhat. 1776. Do you like the cartoon Inspector Gadget? never watched it. 1777. You know how Gadget wears the same outfit all the time, and his closet is full of outfits that are exactly identical to the one he wears? If your closet was full of just one outfit that you had to wear everyday what would it be like? i couldn’t just have one outfit. maybe a casual one and one for going out lol. 1778. Would you rather time travel to the future or the past? future. 1779. Would you rather know how the world began or how it will end? how it will end.   1780. Would you rather meet your ancient ancestors or your great great great great great great grandchildren? probably my ancestors. imagine going to the future to meet your greatx6 grandchildren and there’s no one there... 1781. Out of these 4 which is most important (1=most, 2= second most, 3 = 3rd most, 4 = least)? Curing diseases such as aids, cancer: 2 Preserving wildlife areas: 3 Ending terrorism: 1 Building colonies in space: 4 1782. In your opinion should every child be entitled to a good education? definitely. 1783. What news item are you tired of hearing about? fucking politics. 1784. Speaking of 9/11 the anniversary is coming up. What will you be doing? it’s already passed. 1785. If this were a recipe for you, how would it go? 2 cups: 1 cup: 1/2 cup: A pinch of: A dash of: Mix well and bake until: Add: Serve: no thanks 1786. Which of the following would YOU be more likely to survive: A fall from a 3 story building Driving a car into the water <----- this 1787. What philosophy was manifested in the communist manifesto? haha idk. 1788. Who is your exact opposite? no idea. marie comes pretty close though. 1789. Would you rather have serenity or insanity? serenity. 1790. What do these phrases mean? Moulin Rogue: red something Le voyage sur le bateau: idk Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir: do you want to sleep with me tonight 1791. What is the longest distance you have ever walked? 23km in a day while sightseeing in london. that’s a record for me. 1792. The ancient Greek philosopher Plato believes that beauty truth and justice all basically mean the same thing. What are your feelings about this? nah. 1793. How did you first begin to assert yourself as independent from your parents? it was just a slow process of instead of asking permission, i’d just tell them what i was doing instead. 1794. If you had a magic bracelet, would you use it to gain luck, money, health, creativity or love? money. 1795. What would you do if every time you used your magic bracelet something bad would happen to someone else? i just wouldn’t use it as often? 1796. This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be that she fell in love with him then and there, although she didn't even see him after the funeral ended. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister. What is her motive for killing her sister? she wanted to run into that guy again at her sister’s funeral. 1797. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings? yeah i have. 1798. What do you think of Franz Ferdinand? don’t know much about him. 1799. What do you think of the band Modest Mouse? nothing. 1800. What do you think of Morrissey? nothing.

[romansroys]

"#also now im thinking about lovett hiring an assistant a lot #au where lovett hires favs or tommy as an assistant idc who im flexible#and yknow things happen and eventually they fuck" expand on this please

yikes this extremely got away from me but i have expanded

ok so lovett gets his show and they’re planning the budget or whatever and they point out “oh hey you’re co-creator and a head writer you get an assistant” and it’s not that he minds the idea of someone doing all of his menial tasks for him and having to listen to his every word but he doesn’t care that much and having an assistant seems weird so he avoids it for awhile until he loses track of meeting times and what he’s supposed to be doing at any given hour and concedes that ok he needs an assistant

he hands a pile of applications off to a random PA on the show and tells them to narrow it down and waves them away when they grumble about how his assistant should do this and just yells back “im working on it!” eventually one day he comes in to the office and eight resumes are on his desk and there’s a block of 5 hours on his schedule for interviews

by the time lovett gets to number eight he’s bored and tired and cranky and sick of talking to 22 year olds so he’s shocked when a tall attractive blonde guy who seems closer to lovett’s age than anyone else he’s talked to today walks in. he briefly glances through the guy’s resume and notices a few semi-high profile press positions, lovett squints at the guy who looks like he could be a von trapp child when he sits down across from him

“are you here as a joke?” lovett asks before von trapp can say anything.

“excuse me?”

“it seems like you’re pretty accomplished, i’m just trying to figure out why you’re applying as my assistant.” lovett glances back down at his resume. “you worked at the state department!”

“you worked at the white house.”

“sure, but i’m the showrunner and co-creator. i am extremely talented, yknow? i’ve already gotten to the top of one field so i’m working on the next.”

“me too. except i like to start at the bottom.” the guy flashes a smile at lovett and he’s helpless to the flush that creeps up his cheeks.

“okay, you’re hired.” lovett works extra hard to make sure his voice doesn’t crack embarrassingly.

“i’m hired?”

“yeah, you’re not annoying, plus you’re older than me and i like the idea of getting to boss an elder around.” this time it’s lovett’s turn to smirk as von trapp turns bright red, the flush spreading down his neck. “just show up on monday.” lovett says as he gets up, leaving his new assistant alone in his office.

“oh, and don’t bring me fries. EVER!” lovett yells over his shoulder as he walks away.

the blonde guy (lovett really has to find his resume again or ask him his name) shows up right on time monday morning, which is notable because lovett is…late. his new assistant is waiting in a chair right outside his office.  

“are you always late? should i adjust my schedule accordingly?”

“no, i am not always late!” lovett ignores the snort that comes from somewhere behind him at that statement. “if you must know, my dog wanted to go on a really long walk this morning.”

“you have a dog.” his assistant says out loud, like he’s cataloguing it in his brain to pull out later.

“yeah, and if you’re lucky maybe you’ll get to meet her. she’s an angel.”

“i’m sure she is.” lovett stops and turns around to look at him, trying to determine whether von trapp is joking or not (it’d be nice to know his name but it’s almost too embarrassing to ask after hiring him and clearly the guy already thinks he’s incompetent). he can’t read the guy’s face but he looks so earnest, lovett huffs.

“she is! god, i already need another coffee.”

“i’ll be back, then.” his assistant smiles and taps twice on the door frame.

a week later lovett finds his assistant’s resume on his desk and discovers his name is tommy. a grown adult named tommy…lovett feels like he should’ve taken note of this earlier. the next time he sees tommy he can’t help but mention.

“so you’re almost 30 and you go by tommy?” tommy looks up surprised from where he’s scribbling notes on a sheet of paper.

“i’m a fourth.”

“you’re a what?”

“thomas vietor the fourth.” he mutters and lovett snorts. “tom and thomas were both taken.”

“wow i already pegged you as the WASPiest person i’ve ever met, and you’re even more of a WASP than i thought.”

“i’m going to take that as a compliment.” tommy replies.

“it wasn’t meant as one.”

“that’s okay.”

it takes a little while but lovett discovers that tommy is incredibly funny. he’s good at sarcasm and self-deprecation and he regularly makes lovett laugh, so it’s only fitting when he starts having tommy help him work on scripts. and lovett can’t stay at the office all hours of the day, he has a dog, so it makes sense when these brainstorming sessions happen at lovett’s house instead of his office. It’s not weird that they spend their nights together or that pundit loves tommy more than she loves everyone besides lovett.

when lovett has a date one night and spends the entire three days beforehand complaining about how he looks every time he glances in a mirror, tommy starts ignoring his lunch requests and only bringing him variations of salads and grilled chicken.

“i get a free visitor pass with my gym membership.” tommy mentions offhand one day.

“first the salads, now the gym. are you trying to tell me something?”

“no! i-” tommy clears his throat. “i think you look great. but you seemed unhappy, you’ve been complaining a lot. so i was just offering…”

“you think i look great, huh?” tommy’s entire face flushes red.

“lovett.” he half-heartedly tries to shame him, but lovett can’t stop grinning.

“i’d love to go to the gym with you, tommy. are there any other hot guys there?”

“other hot guys?” lovett rolls his eyes.

“cmon, you know your biceps look obscene in that baseball shirt.”

“i like this shirt.”

“oh, i like it too.” lovett grins and winks at tommy.

so that’s how things go for awhile. lovett spends his days with tommy at work; having tommy take notes in meetings and making fun of the big wigs behind their back, they eat whatever healthy lunch tommy picks up for them together, they work out at the gym, and at night they end up at lovett’s house rewriting jokes and sketching out storylines. sometimes they flirt, but lovett is pretty sure it doesn’t mean anything, tommy is obscenely attractive and probably has his pick of hollywood gays. and lovett is boring and also his boss.

so it’s a total shock when tommy slams into lovett’s office one day, out of breath and seemingly angry.

“i can’t date my boss!”

“um, okay?” lovett is not sure where this is going and he’s not sure he likes it.

“i’m a responsible adult.”

“i know, it’s why i hired you. you never let me eat french fries!”

“you hired me because i was older than you.” tommy mumbles and lovett shrugs.

“po-tay-to, po-tah-to.”

“i can’t date my boss.” tommy repeats as lovett watches him pace back and forth across the office. tommy seems to be mumbling to himself but lovett’s working out tommy’s comments in his head.

“are you saying you want to date me?” he finally asks trying to keep the hysteria out of his voice, tommy stops in his tracks.

“i-”

“i mean, of course you do, who wouldn’t want to?” lovett chuckles nervously at tommy’s non-reaction. “but then again you have, like, visible muscles and a strong jaw and i look like this. anyway, i was going to promote you to staff writer. you’re way too fucking smart to be my assistant and-”

the rest of what lovett was about to say gets cut off as tommy grabs lovett by the shirt and hauls him forward, kissing him. tommy’s hands slide down lovett’s chest and tommy grips his hips firmly. lovett puts his all into kissing tommy, pushing himself up on his toes, getting his hands into tommy’s hair, and opening his mouth. lovett can’t manage to suppress a moan when tommy walks him backwards and presses lovett into his desk.

tommy turns his attention to lovett’s neck, sucking a mark into the junction where lovett’s neck meets his shoulder.

“you know, even if you’re on the writing staff, i’m still your boss.” lovett manages to gasp out.

“hmm?” tommy hums, and lovett can feel it against his neck.

“i am very much in charge in this relationship.”

“shut up, lovett.” tommy mutters as he flicks the button open on lovett’s jeans.

“yeah, okay.”

[midnight-winds]

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

It was my boyfriend and I know he means it😊 I love him so so much too, I hope he understands i mean it just as much

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

I’m only 17 so yeh

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

At new year’s. Aggravated that I couldn’t spend it with him but happy it was still with my fam.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I sometimes do

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Um yeah but idc about their opinions

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

Um a black singlet and undies.

8. How often do you listen to music?

Literally like everyday

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans going out more and sweats when I stay in. So probs sweats lol

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?

It’s 2018...

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Depends with who. I used to be pre antisocial except with my friends

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Well that’s my Mum, and yeah on the cheek

13. What about ‘R’?

Haha well that’s my dad and yeah the same

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Pfff no

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah ofc

16. Are you going out of town soon?

Going outta the country soon yeah

17. When was the last time you cried?

Last year :P

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

I always do😇

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Omg yesss. I’d like it hazel

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Absolutely everything and anything

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

Well I just woke up and I miss him

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

ARHFVDIAMEBUDJEBDHSNJDJSNSHEJE😍😍😍yesssssss

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Hahah yeap :))

24. What are you sitting on right now?

My bed. Like always

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

All the time😇 he’s part of family now tho

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Who hasn’t. They’re all crushes

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

My baeee

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Not in summer nah

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

Oh yeah if you go along hay street and turn into the shop called none of ya business

30. Does anyone hate you?

Umm I don’t think so

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

Lol no. But I do have empty water bottles hidden😂

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

YESSSSS

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

NOOOOO

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

Probs 2013

35. Did you have a dream last night?

Yah and I can’t wait it tell him soon. Unless I forget it before then, SORRY

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night before bed😊

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Hmm I’ll be 23. Probs still travelling or something

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I hope so hahahah

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

He’s dreaming so maybe

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

Yeappp. Went shopping with my boyfriend, Mum and bro. And then went to his grandma’s and had delicious food. He then walked me down to leave. It was the best😊❤️❤️

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

Hahah it was the start of my relationship

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I guess my cousins

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes and I don’t want to lose him either😢

44. What’s the best part about school?

Not being in it anymore

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Yah

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Hahah we used to all the time

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Omg sooo much

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Yah

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

It became 100x better

[chenlays]

I request a scenario where you, sam/foot/weeb, get to marry the love of ur life chenle

thank u for discussing this w me I’m gonna cry r u ready for this NOBODY ASKED BUT IM GIVING

• y'all know I love my bby chenle right ?? • ok so I’m on my phone doing this I’m h u Rt• but aNYWAYS • I would marry him like 59 times and ?? I’d still be happy that’s good• ok so just he’s rly cute and I’d buy lots of cats and just bury him in kitties and I would cry actual tears of joy that’s a pile of amazing• and ?? Like y Es I would totally be up 4 going out to get sweets at like 2am and just sitting out at night and eating them and talking about life• also oHMY g o d I love breakfast u know just pls I’ll make u breakfast every morning with ur fav even if I have to wake up at 4am or travel 5 miles by walking BYE • I’m probs the most annoying person ever and I’ll just literally shower him in love and just literally every 5 minutes ask him if he’s ok• also I am rly affectionate just l o v e me and keep me warm pls I’m cold all the time• I’m also that cliche bich that takes sweaters and hides them in a secret closet (´ｰ｀)• this is fun• look chenle bby pls if ur ever sad I will cry too and just h u g the pain away and love u okay• also protec u with my life• I’ll buy cute lil cat pajamas for u bby I love u• I’m actually sobbing why did u sarcastically ask this radish• my dream is to actually live in Iceland but I will sacrifice for him• like sure we can live in china if u want idc• also I just wanna b a veterinarian • u know how many cute lil animals I’d have omGG• just havin like 28 parakeets and they’re all just o u t and he’s runnin n screaming everywhere SO CU TE• also stress• but I mean I love him with all my heart like,,,yes release the keets if it makes u happy• ice cream like once a week tho pls• I want that to be my religion• J U ST eatin ice cream n walkin around to look at stuff and just BUying everything • also pls,,,gimme ur nose it’s rly cute bby• u guys I’m tearing up the more I think about him the more love I feel• he just too cute• id probs pay him for a bunch of solos （╹◡╹）♡• wakin up to hear him screeching chewing gum I AM A L I VE• als o just constantly me having to stay away once a week to silently sob• y'all He is p e r fect • “uhm why do u have 600 pictures of an Asian guy with u all the time”• “yeah sorry gtg something came up”• OMG • I literally am so fascinated with spiders• and he’s scared of them aw babs that’s cute• if u see a tiny jumping spider to a huge as fuk tarantula gET ME!!!• the cutest thing ever would just be him SCREECHING because I’m holding a tiny lil spider in my hand just crawling everywhere • can I mention cats again• I am a strong believer in cats soothing your heart and protecting you from heart problems• literally I will spend 10mil to make a cat a service cat for him 🙃• like,,,,if ur scared here’s a cute kitty to purr n make u smile• also endless supply of love from me I’m full of it• I never stop feeling love this is a fact• I am also a good listener and 99.9% reliable with secrets• u ate marks fav cookie??? Don’t worry hun I’ll never tell• also I will literally b rich if I’m a veterinarian so I’m going to a new country every other month• forcibly pushin out that home• pls,,,come to Russia with me I can speak Russian bb • honestly when I’m 25 what can’t I do• I WANT GIANT PUPPERS OMG THEYRE LIKE THE SIZE OF ME NOW• c. Henle riding on a giant Caucasian ovcharka just scremaign and being happy that’s so fukin cu t e• literally take my s o u l I love u• this is re a l LY long I’ll edit it tomorrow I G• but also just I wanna pinch his cheeks and sMOOSH them together and make him happy that’s so wonderful • lele with smooshed cheeks ::))• also like 4993020 lil cheek smooches FUC• I shed a tear I would be so s h y tbh I don’t act like it• I’d probs be that person who has to ask for a hug• I see so many people talking about backhugs for chenle and I would love lt that’s so adorable• also I wanna be bigger than him • like taller ig ??• I like to be big spoon !! Fun fact • I like to snuggle up to ppl rather than snuggle into them• kitty cuddles aw• pls I like to play with hair and snuggle and just squeeze occasionally it’s so sweet• also literally a separate drawer for cat socks • probably just buying like 500 presents for Christmas just for him u know• also that birthday• pls lemme just drag u around lil cute shops and buy u literally anything u want• just luv me and hug me n hold my hand I will be 1056% content• oh I’m crying??? Didn’t notice I was too busy lookin at u smile• ommmmmm I would definitely go to roller coasters with him just for that cute squeal• not if he’s scared• I’ll protect u bby ily• I’ll protect from everything • I can’t fight tho I’ll learn for u• I actually have 37 wallets with just pics I show to people • I don’t like a lot of pda just hold m Y hand thx ❤️• literally I hope I have like 50 succulents just at my job • omg what if he sent cute lil notes in my pocket or food just to say “I hope ur day is amazing!! ily!!”• if that happened • “hey there did u know I am in love wit h zhong chenle”• radish I’ll b at ur house w hyuck a lot just to talk abt happiness• BOY DO I HAVE SOME SOFT STUFF FOR U• frick omg cuteness!!! sittin outside in the middle of fall with kitty print scarves and cute gloves and fluffy sweaters and just sitting in the dark and cuddling to stay warm • just out to look at the stars• silence is so beautiful and that silence is amazing • or “cloud” gazing• his imagination would be so adorable• comin home to literally 60 pillows in every room• “uh bb what’s this??”• “pls shush n stop being mEAN I didn’t know what to DO”• omgmgm im so sappy I’d send cute short letters to him all the time • if I got them back I’d s c r e a m• eating a samich or smth and reading it and just almost suffocating • also I’m sleepy af rn and it reminds me• I love laying on laps or having ppl laying on my lap so I can play with hair• pls let me nap on ur lap and just literally encase myself in my big af pink rainbow sweater  • it covers everything but my legs• I would be so warm w him I’m sobbing• huggin me while I’m nap on the lap• I am so soft for this• sending selcas every few hours just because• literally no I won’t send my ugly• but sweetie pls send all of urs I will s OB and frame literally all of them• more lap naps• just gimme hugs and lemme smooch ur nose and cry myself into a nap on ur lap  • I’m really tired • I can’t think anymore and I’m so soft right now• so here’s the hcs about the marriage id want with the bby I can’t have that nobody asked for•my e yes•ok sorry ily• i also love u radish sm❤️• n chenle babs, bby, sweetie, hun,,,I’m literally cryin for u 💚

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #10 (plus some nuggets of cheeriness and tidbits of gloominess)

Eeee! I’ve been feeling quite the bit more chipper this week me thinks, I feel my efforts and confidence have grown some and even my sis has been noticing and congratulated meeeee ;w; I hope this continues onto next week and beyond! To infinity and beyond! ^^ (Too bad it doesn’t help my terrible memory all that much tho but hmm feels good, man lol and I did make sure to write a few notes so that’s something! :D)

So, my 10th appointment. It actually went pretty good! That sheet which I had to do with the emotions/thoughts/evidence columns and the sort of recap of what I learned, I did end up leaving them till last minute again (like literally less than an hour before the appointment, such badness ahh) but I scrawled it quick and I am so glad I write these posts here because without them I wouldn’t have remembered a lot of the stuff I needed to write! :3 Both physically and mentally, repetition is key! Accidental rhyming wheee!

So, as usual she asked how I was and I just said same-y same as usual, then we went over the sheet I wrote on. She told me to read them out to her and it kinda felt like uhhh but I guess it’s better than her attempting to read my scrawly writing haha. I didn’t read them word for word and some sections were omitted because she asked me for specific columns and stuff though but the main stuff got across. I re-wrote the few things I wrote on the previous sheet, about me going to shops on my own and walking to the post office and trying to converse with customers.

Generally with all of those situations and other similar ones my feelings would be stuff like ‘anxious, tense, nervous, self-conscious, tense, alert, awkward’ rated at a score of something between 80-95% and my thoughts were things like ‘they’re probably wondering what I’m doing there’, ‘they probably think I’m weird/awkward/look a mess or am even stealing’, ‘maybe someone will recognise me or can see I’m anxious’. The evidence to support this was uh, well, tbh I think I wrote nothing (or very little) and I kinda expected this in a way but I guess it depends on how hard you try to nitpick and negatively view the smaller details. 

The lesson is not to speculate and not jump the gun and make all these negative assumptions. Those irrational thoughts up in your mind have no real support, proving they hold not truth and are not to be listened to. They shouldn’t hold you back from doing things you want to do because they’re not real, just your mind conjuring ways to try bring yourself down with false beliefs of things based on past negative things and things that will never actually happen. You ain’t fooling no one no mores mr.snarky pants negative mind! >3<

I did manage to go to the post office again on my own, this time to post something and it went pretty smoothly, except on the way back this one random guy smoking outside his house commented to me something like ‘you should smile, you’ll get up the hill’ and then I kind of awkwardly smiled and walked past quickly and he was like ‘that’s better’. I was walking up a kind of hilly street, maybe a bit huffy looking and deep in concentration, when I saw that guy (he was conversing with someone else at first) and made eye contact a few metres away I actually did try to make myself smile a bit, but I was still feeling kind of tense (especially in my walking too) and I guess my super resting bitch face just didn’t shift and so came the awks.

Because of all the shizz in my past it instantly made me think he was well, mocking me about my appearance, but I pushed that aside immediately because I know this is just a negative assumption, but still I kept thinking back on it and feeling uncomfortable, especially because I actually kind of tried but the opposite happened, sucks. The counsellor told me that she had a similar situation in the past (except it was a gesture to smile while in her car on the road) and at first she felt kind of annoyed and was like wtf because whether she smiled or not was not this person’s business and she needn’t follow a strangers instruction. Yeah, that’s the feeling I had too exactly. But she said that even though this happened, she didn’t let it get to her and ruin her day and even though she wanted to flip him off she just ignored him (she talked quite colloquially and it was pretty awesome lol)

On the other hand though, I do definitely see the comment I got could have been something intended to genuinely try encourage me or cheer me up and I just took it the wrong way at first (though the comment it self is kinda uncomfortably worded imo). I don’t want to overanalyse the words or situation too much though, but I do feel it leans way more to the positive intention, or that’s what I’m gonna stick with, gotta not let my mind make it a negative. Anyways I got past that and idc about it anymore bc it’s true, it’s my face and imma do whatever I want with it *glares infinitely with short sightedness*. I remember reading an article online in the past about people expecting women to be all smiley all the time or something but who on earth would even be able to smile 24/7 and anyways do everything for yourself as always. 

Even the counsellor agreed that no one could walk around smiling all the time, but when you do smile, even a forced one, it is proven to make you feel a little more happy and it sure does, helps me feel a little more confident and positive too. My sis says she has problems with smiling a lot and sometimes asks me how she looks and I’ve read other people struggle with it to and have to practice it. I’ve kinda been inadvertently practicing it myself, but never really held one out in public unless I genuinely felt cheerful, though lately I have been trying to get more comfortable with it and it’s going alright. Being more observant of others and the little things that naturally bring smiles helps too, there’s a lot to appreciate out there like the pretty scenery and weather, cute kiddies and elderly people, it gives back the feeling that everything’s not all that bad out there and that there’s a lot more things to smile about ^^

Anyways back to what I was saying about the sheet. There was also a column supporting against the thoughts and I put some things like ‘no one recognised me or approached me about things’ (maybe excluding dat 1 guy of course lol) and there was a column for a more realistic view on things and I wrote stuff like ‘everyone is busy doing their own thing’ (aka. no1curr lol) then proceeded to re-score my feelings and they dropped down to something between the range of uhhh ‘30-70%’ (I don’t have the sheet on me so moar memory fails lol). It shows that everything is actually nowhere near as bad as you’d assume, if you never tried you wouldn’t have been able to see this and would have been stuck still thinking the same catastrophic things and even escalating them further and scaring yourself more. You need to take a more realistic view on things, base things on facts and not believe what you hear from the dark space in your head or see through pessimism clouded glasses.

During all this discussion she praised me a lot, told me how far I’ve come and I was like ‘uhh ahhh thanks’ and ‘it’s thanks to you’ and she was like no no it’s all your doing >< She also praised me about going to the shoe shop and getting my refund (lol) and going to other places especially on my own. I am very thankful for her help and her pushing me to get my lazy mopey ass up, counselling/therapy do recommend! ^^ I’m glad I decided to go and I’m glad I tried because it really helped me get out of this dark hole I fell in and lived in for so long, though I still roll back down there a lot but at least I know how to get out now! Only one session left, feel kind of sad about it *sigh* I kinda feel like I wanna gift something but idk if I should (or what I would give anyways, I’m so hella poor and indecisive rn) ;;

The next thing we did was talk about my next steps towards my goal of getting a job. She told me to volunteer at some places like charities so that I’d be able to gain the experience and have references. I took the idea on board but was thinking maybe I could get some work experience at where my sister works if possible. I’m kinda chickening out a little I know, but I have actually gained a little bit of experience from a charity shop before in the past during school time and I can’t say I loved the experience, not to say this time would be the same but idk... tbh I really like where my sis works, I would love to actually apply for it someday, to have a taste of it now would be very useful to me. Who knows how things will go or where I’ll be next, it could go really great if I try hard enough, I really need to believe in myself more and learn to just go with the flow.

My sis was feeling a bit sad about work lately though, that the pay is not high enough and said something to me like ‘if you were working we wouldn’t be struggling as much’ and it totally drained away any cheerfulness I had that day. If I could have, I would’ve been working years ago like I wanted to, it’s just... ahhhhh..! *eternal wailing and angst*. My sister helps my parents financially often when needed and funds things for me too, there’s that feeling of me being a burden again, but I am trying this time..! Feels bad man ;; Now’s not the time to be falling back into gloominess, one of my biggest motivations to work and make money is so my parents won’t have to, so they can rest and have free time to have fun, so we can spend time together too! I want to be able to save up enough money so we can all go somewhere nice and afford nice things. I need to try much much harder, c’mon I can do it..!

She didn’t ask about the recap notes I was asked to write, so I prompted her about it and I’m glad I did (and didn’t just hope she forgot so she wouldn’t look at it like how I always tried to wiggle out of my homework being seen at school lol), because none of it was wrong or silly like I thought it may be, in fact it was great! (Hah! Eat those facts silly thoughts!). I read it all out and she was impressed and praised me about that too, that I had learned all these things and remembered them and taken them on board successfully. For next time I have a whole bunch of sheets to fill in, ones to do with what I’ve learned and my goals for the future etc. I‘m already feeling that mental fatigue just thinking about it, but I’m not gonna leave it till last minute this time! Time to break the habit and just do it!!

In my own time, I do feel I am more comfortable going out more, even though its just something as mundane as going to the supermarket, but not feeling so anxious or afraid feels great! I feel like I can almost be ‘normal’ in those kinds of environments. I went to the big shopping centre again, this time with my sis’s bf’s mum there too and I made lots of effort to converse with her even though I suck at speaking my second language, I tried real hard and it was good and my sis was impressed and even I’m proud of myself. I wanted to be less awkward with relatives and I feel I’ve begun to slowly bridge that gap lately, build up better relationships or impressions and such.

In the shopping centre I browsed around feeling pretty comfy and chipper, the only time I tensed a little was when buying food in a busy food court, passing some guys (lame I know) and when I had some awk but kinda comically awkward moments with the store guy at this shoe shop I went to, but I tried real hard there too and I successfully got some shoes in the end for me (and my mum too) and they were much comfier than that previous shop I had to refund to lol! I still haven’t worn them out yet and they are still a lil snug for me but I hope they loosen a little over time and become real comfy like the old ones I have and wear all the time. (Afterwards I noticed that guy at the shoe shop reaaaally reminds me of this one from one of those viral twitter posts too and I can’t unsee it lmaooo xD)

I feel like I’ve been taking care of myself a bit better, so my appearance improved a little and my self confidence has gone up a little more which is also why I’m feeling better about going out. I wanna continue to try do things to improve myself, for myself! As with everything, the more effort, the better the result! :D I want to stop bringing up excuses for why I can’t go out or do things, because there is nothing really stopping me but myself and my habitual unwillingness. I can do everything if I put my mind to it hoo! (Or maybe not put my mind to it? You know ‘cause it likes to go off on it’s own spiral of doom haha)

I also baked the same cookies I made previously but with an improved/non-improvised recipe and it turned out even better omnomnom ^^ I also tried making hummus and well it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it was good for a first try! I wanna try make something else next, I’m pumped! Keep trying, keep learning! :D

In my art related postings, I’m still kind of hibernating and I really really hate that I’m still like this, I’m still seriously overthinking things here and it makes me so mad at myself uuuugh! I keep itching to comment on things too but have been holding myself back there too cause I still feel ashamed and am just hiding and avoiding again. I keep waiting for the motivation to come or a spell of confidence or even numbness to the fear of judgement but it’s just wasting more time because I’m not doing or moving forward. I don’t want to be too hard on myself though, because the other things have been taking up my time and thought space and are technically much more important but I do want to also get somewhere with this too. Man, I’m such a frustrating person .___.”

I read somewhere recently that motivation only really comes after you tried and showed yourself you can do it and then it spurs you on. I feel this is very true. Even though I have not been able to sit down and commit myself to drawing or experimenting with mediums seriously yet, I’ve still done some small comforting doodles on scraps when driven by my feelings or boredom and even though they aren’t the most beautiful and detailed things, I still like them and impressed myself a little too, it does make me want to try some more. So why aren’t I doing so? Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect silly me! It doesn’t matter what other people think! Do it for yourself! >w<

Now that I’ve written this post imma do something good and useful and fulfilling! I’ll either fill in those sheets for next week, do some art related things or spend time with my parents! I can do it! I’m doing well! I can do even better! Go go go! *^*

Have a great evening! Keep going! ^^