#listening to this song feels like floating and crying and falling in love and falling out of love all at once

[party-lemon]

Ayo, they put some kinda drug in this

[tddyhyck]

golden boy (l.jn)

pairings ⇢ bf!jeno x afab!reader (other dreamies mentioned)

word count ⇢ 4.9k

synopsis ⇢ jeno is your sweet lovely attentive boyfriend who takes care of you publicly and privately

warnings ⇢ 18+, smut, established relationship, unprotected sex, softish!dom jeno, spit, crying, big thick dick jeno, fingering, throat fucking/blowjobs, overstimulation (reader cums a lot), fingering, semi-public (ig they’re in a car), cum eating, reader has a wap, use of slut, cum eating, teasing, overuse of the word pretty and baby (lemme know if i missed any)

playlist ⇢ skin _ mac miller / love between _ kali uchis / sanctuary _ joji

masterlist

The music was too loud and the room smelled heavily of weed. You were thankful for the hand dancing under your large jacket from the small of your back to your belt loops when the crowd got too pushy. Also thankful for the large arm that pushed people out of the way as you tried to break through the crowd. Finally out of the middle of what could be compared to a mosh pit you sighed, turning to pull the strong protective arms to you and out the back door.

Your fingers squeezed over the leather that covered his bicep as you pulled him to the patio finding your friends around the fire pit. You felt like you were floating instead of walking over to them but that was probably from smoking earlier. Your grip on Jeno’s arm loosened as you finally made it to your friends.

“You survived!” Renjun cheered from his spot on the ground in front of Chenle who was tucked into himself to keep warm. You laughed while Jeno sat back in his chair before pulling you onto his lap and wrapping a large blanket around you both.

You curled yourself into your boyfriend. His large warm arms engulfed you as Mark was playing guitar while everyone sang along. This was the best part about going to parties. You didn’t care for the bad playlist on repeat or the dancing or even really the drinking. But sitting around a warm fire with some of your closest friends and random stragglers while listening to music was so comfortable.

Your boyfriend keeping you warm was also a big bonus, and he looked so good tonight. Black jeans with a tight black shirt tucked in under a leather jacket. You had sat on his bathroom counter earlier and styled his hair slicking it back away from his face but leaving a few strands to fall over his forehead.

He stood in front of your parted legs, torso bare, and towel hanging low on his hips while he played with a string on your shorts. He looked directly at you, never shy about you noticing his staring.

You contemplated keeping him between your legs and pulling the towel from his waist and having him fuck you against the counter but you decided against it. Somewhat of a double edge sword because you could feel your panties soaking every time you peeked over at him.

His attentiveness didn’t help; it only made you want him more. The way he went out of his way for you. When he poured and held your cup so you didn’t have to worry about it or when he led you to the bathroom, waiting politely outside before leading you back out. You stared at his hands when he pushed some guy away from falling into you. You thought about how good it would feel to have them shoved in your mouth or in your cunt or even wrapped around your throat.

You could feel your cheeks heating while you pressed your thighs together and pushed yourself back into Jeno’s lap. He rubbed soothing circles on your hip before gripping it to keep you from moving. You leaned your head back falling into his neck, lips grazing his soft skin.

“You good?” he whispered. You nodded looking up at him reaching a hand up to push the loose strands away from tickling his eyebrow. You stayed like that feeling his warmth and how his chest vibrates when he laughed at something stupid Jaemin would say between songs. his leg moved slightly up and down as he tapped his foot to the rhythm you didn’t even know what song Mark was playing. Only focused on the pretty boy surrounding you. He glanced down at you only to find you already staring back.

“Hi,” you whispered. Chenle was scolding Jisung for getting the lyrics to some song wrong.

“Hi.” he breathed out. You brought your hand to his chest playing with the necklace you let him borrow, fingers tugging slightly at his collar. Your mind drifted to it dangling over you while he fucked deep into your cunt.

“Need you,” you mumbled, staring up at him with innocent doe eyes. His hand grazed from your hip to slip under your jacket and shirt to rest on your waist.

“Let's go?” he whispered, smiling down at you lazily.

“But I don’t wanna go yet,” you admitted with a pout, eyes trailing down his jaw to his chest.

“I’m not fucking you while our friends sing kumbaya, c'mon,” he says making you giggle while he lifts you easily before turning and folding the blanket and laying it in the chair.

“We’re heading out.” he says, followed by various “noooo” and “aww.”

“You can’t leave already, it's only like 11.” haechan pouts from across the fire.

“Well, we are,” Jeno responds dryly. You hit him lightly on the stomach.

“They have to leave so Jeno can fuck y/n’s brains out,” Jaemin smirks. You flip him off and roll your eyes in response.

“How’s it going for you? Hasn’t it been 3, nope, 4 months now?” Jeno says, grabbing your bag and your hand pulling you away from your friends to the back gate.

“Damn,” you can hear Haechan and Renjun chorus. You know Jaemin won’t hear the end of this and it makes you laugh. Jeno laces his fingers in yours as you cross the patio before stepping into the grass. It's still soft and slightly muddy from the rain the previous day. He reaches around you gripping your waist to lift you slightly off the ground.

“I can walk, you know,” you say, rolling your eyes, but you're blushing as he holds you effortlessly.

“I don’t want you to get your pretty feet muddy,” he replies, unlocking the back gate and slipping through before closing it back. The front yard is far worse than the back; some kids are passed out against the front porch, a couple is fighting and some boys are playing tag. You grip Jeno’s shoulders while he leads you through the mushy grass and to the sidewalk. placing you down, hand finding its way back to yours.

“You look so fucking hot tonight,” you whine when you're far enough away from the house. He just smirks, pulling you close to him. It only made you crazier because he knew he was hot and not in an arrogant way but in a sexy confident way.

“It's because my girlfriend styled me tonight.” you laughed hearing his keys jingle before clicking to unlock the car.

“And she lets you go out like this when girls like me are drooling over you.” you look up at him as he presses you to the car door. His leg pushes yours apart before pressing against you.

“She doesn’t know how much I like it when girls like you are drooling over me.” he leans down kissing your neck and snaking his hand around your waist. Pulling you away from the car and opening the door in one motion. He leans you down into the passenger seat letting you settle while he sits your bag at your feet before grabbing the seatbelt and fastening it for you.

He was always so attentive to you; he did all the things that were so easy and mundane to you. Opening the door for you, combing your hair, tying your shoes. The driver's side opened before he got in starting the car while you fiddled with your phone to put on music.

“You can’t put on a sex playlist yet.” he huffed, bringing his hands to the wheel. You laughed, turning up the volume before leaning back in your seat. His hand found its way to your thigh before he pulled onto the street.

You stared at him one hand on the wheel and the other on you. He puffed air out his mouth making the strand of hair dance on his forehead. You hadn’t realized your legs were spreading as you watched the way his jaw tightened when he met a red light. He looked over at you.

“You look like I’ve already made you cum,” he smirked, tilting his head. He brought his fingers to your core, dancing lightly over your heat making you sigh.

“You’re so mean,” you say when he pressed the gas again. “You can’t touch me, we still have like 10 more minutes in the car.” he laughed, adding more pressure to your clit.

He continued like that and it felt like you hit every single stoplight only prolonging your trip which made your head spin. You were grinding against his hand while you gripped his forearm.

“If you don’t fucking pull over.” you whimpered, chest rising and falling swiftly.

“You can’t wait for 7 more minutes.” he teased, bringing his hand away before slapping it down, making you jerk. He just laughed at you and it made your tummy flip. you loved this side of him, your sweet adoring boyfriend taunting you. His familiar crescent eyes were replaced with a cocked brow and a lazy smirk.

“How about this,” he offered, bringing his fingers to your button. “I make you cum now with my fingers,” pausing while he unbuttoned your pants. “and then when we get back I’ll make you cum on my tongue,” pausing again to tug the zipper down. “and then I’ll fill up your pretty pussy.” You nodded aggressively when his fingers made contact with your wet panties.

“You’re so wet. All because I wore a leather jacket? So pathetic,” you whined again blushing at his words. He dipped his calloused fingers below the waistband ghosting over your clit. His fingers glided through your folds collecting the wetness before bringing his hands out of your pants and to his lips sucking your taste off of them. You stared at him with your lip between your teeth when he gathered his saliva on his fingers before bringing it back to you.

You don’t know what came over you when you grabbed his sleeve making his eyebrows furrow until you shoved his spit-covered fingers in your mouth. He groaned from his seat while you swirl your tongue over his digits. He mumbled something under his breath, pressing his head to the seat, meeting another red light before looking over at you.

You could still taste yourself on his fingers before you pulled them from your mouth spit connecting to your lips. He stared at you before moving his hand back between your legs pushing your panties to the side before pressing against your clit. You whimpered bringing a hand to cover your mouth when his fingers started going in fast circles.

“Fuck,” your boyfriend hissed when a honk interrupted him, focusing his attention back on the road but not neglecting your cunt. You felt so embarrassed what if the people behind you knew your boyfriend had his hand in your pants. You didn’t really care when his fingers hit all the right spots that made your toes curl and your eyes roll back.

You could hear the squelch between your legs over the music and your breathing. You tried to keep your eyes open to see how close you were to Jeno’s apartment but the pleasure had your eyes closing on their own. You felt the familiar knot in your stomach tightening making your fingers grip his arm tighter. He always knew you were close when your nails dug crescents into his skin.

“You’re gonna cum, baby?” he lilted. you nodded teeth digging into your bottom lip. “What if they see you?” he asked, making your eyes fly open to see a car driving steadily beside you. “You'd probably like that, wouldn’t you? such a little slut.” You whined back arching off the seat as you cum feeling yourself gush in your panties.

He doesn’t stop his fingers from pushing you deeper into a space between pleasure and pain before he finally pulls his fingers away. Glancing over at your heaving chest when he brings his fingers to his mouth with a grin.

“Taste so sweet for me baby,” he says nonchalantly, reaching over to zip your pants and button them back. Hand palming at your thigh while your body stays buzzing still coming down from your high. You feel stupid and you haven’t even seen his cock. You didn’t realize you were already on his street until he pulled into his parking spot.

He reaches over unbuckling your seatbelt and his own before grabbing your chin and pressing his lips to yours. He pulls away too quickly but kisses the side of your mouth.

“Do you need me to carry you,” he whispers against your mouth. You whimper, shaking your head and reaching for the door before he grabs your wrist stopping you. He gets out of the car quickly before jogging over to your side, opening the door, and holding out a hand to you. He helps you out before reaching down to grab your bag. He fiddles with his keys in his hand as you approach his front door.

“Can I stay over?” you question when he opens the door. He laughs nodding while he sits your bag down.

“you never have to ask,” he says, bending down to untie your shoes and looking up at you curiously. You try not to stare at the sparkles in his eyes. He looks so pretty at this angle. He places your hand on his shoulder before gripping your ankle and removing one shoe and then the next.

“I know but I’m polite.” he grins at you before rising from the ground to stand over you.

“You’re very polite, baby,” he pets your head sweetly. “polite, kind, sweet, generous,” he extends, unzipping your jacket and slipping it off your bare shoulders to hang in his closet. “pretty, funny, sexy, mine,” he continues and it makes you blush. You had never been with someone like him.

“c’mere.” he pulls you into him and down the hall. Your head is pressed into his neck as you waddle with him. You giggle into him at how silly you both must look. Thankfully, Jaemin had stayed at the party so he wouldn’t see both of you like this. But Jeno never cared about how people saw him when he was with you. He didn’t care if people thought he was a simp or whipped for you he took pride in that. being yours.

He closes his door once you're both in his room, pulling you to his bed before sitting down the light from his lamp illuminating his cheekbones. Hands finding your waist when you sit on his lap without hesitation. He reaches up to brush your hair behind your ears, hands slipping down to your cheeks bringing your face to his.

You melt against his lips so soft and warm and so Jeno. You grip his jacket, the leather cool in your hands. His tongue slips into your mouth; he tastes like cherry soda. You grind down against him lightly feeling his cock pressing against your core. You whimper into his mouth at the slightest friction. He’s swallowing all the sounds you make moving his hands to your hips to help you drag against him. Your hands roam down to unclasp his belt, fingers fumbling.

“needy baby,” he smirks against your lips before leaning to press kisses against your neck. His lips distract you from getting the buckle undone, making you whine in frustration. He smiles into your neck reaching down to unclasp his belt easily.

“you’re distracting me,” you say before finally unbuttoning his jeans. He huffs out a warm laugh against your neck. He leans back onto his elbows watching you curiously as you unzip his jeans and tug at the waistband of his boxers. He shakes his head before grabbing your wrists and bringing them to your sides.

“don’t you remember my plan, baby?” he looks up at you quizzically.

“Can I add to the plan?”

“what do you want to add?” he cocks his eyebrow at you already knowing what you are going to ask.

“Can I just-“ you pause suddenly shy. He nods his head for you to continue. “want you in my mouth.”

“How bad do you want it?” you whine wiggling over him in embarrassment. You know you have to beg but it doesn’t make your face any less red.

“So bad.” you glance up at him wishing that was enough. He squeezes your wrist. “want it so bad. Can you just fuck my mouth? I've been thinking about it all night. You over me with your pretty hair and jacket and your cock down my throat.” you don’t realize but you're rambling.

“I guess I can add to the plan then since you want it so bad.” he loosens his grip on your wrists rubbing over the skin soothingly. “Let me do this first though, okay, baby?” you nod before you even know what he’s doing. He’s tugging your shirt off before his large hands grope at your tits making you dizzy.

“I love when I can convince you not to wear a bra,” he whispers against your skin before peppering kisses from your neck to your collarbone. You sigh, relaxing into his familiar touch. His tongue licking your chest before taking your nipple into his mouth making you whimper. You grip the nape of his neck tugging lightly at his gelled hair. His mouth vibrates around your nipple so you repeat the action tugging harder.

He releases your nipple with a pop before diving into the other. You hadn’t realized you were grinding against him until one of his arms reached around your back stopping your movements. you whine your nails scraping his neck. His tongue slides down at the same time he’s pushing you up to stand. Leaning forward when you stand fully in front of him you feel his tongue slide over your tummy kissing lightly at the skin. His tongue teases at your belly button nipping lightly against the soft skin before his fingers tickle at your sides lightly making you squirm.

He pulls away unbuttoning your pants for a second time that night. Sliding them over your hips and to your ankles he holds out a hand for you to grab while you step out kicking them behind you. He leans in again teeth nipping at the skin above your panties, his hands gripping your ass pulling at the cheeks while you grab his broad shoulders.

He looks up at you, his eyes glinting between adoration and mischief. He finally tugs at your panties, pulling them down your legs leaving you completely bare in front of him. There was no embarrassment or anxiety or worrying he might see something he didn’t like because he liked it all.

“You’re so pretty.” he says not directly to you but just out loud. “all mine.” he grips your cheeks again, caressing the skin. “Lay down,” he instructs standing up in front of you and turning you both around so you’re pressed to the bed.

“Want your pretty head here,” he points at the edge. You nod sitting on the bed and turning before laying back, neck hitting the edge of the mattress and your head hanging off. The view of your boyfriend towering over you gripping his cock through his underwear. He was still completely clothed while you were naked. It made you press your thighs together hoping he wouldn’t see. But when you hear him scoff you know he noticed.

“can’t wait, can you?” he taunts caressing your cheek with one hand and pulling his cock from his boxers with the other. Your mouth is already watering. You grip at his thighs opening your mouth eagerly and looking up at him. His hand smoothed over your cheek before taping his cock against your chin. Feeling his heavy length on your lip before he presses into your mouth. You lose contact with his eyes as your mouth fills up so you close them instead, relishing in the fullness.

He groans deeply when you swallow around him. He grabs the sides of your face before slowly pulling out. Spit is already collecting on the sides of your lips as he fucks back into your mouth. You whine when the head of his cock touches the back of your throat making your eyes water.

“fuck,” he hisses quickening his pace but only slightly. You move your hands up to grip his belt loops pulling him closer making his hips hit your chin. He stays there for a minute before pulling out letting you breathe only for a second before you pull him back to you.

He watched your throat bulge with each thrust into you watching his dick fill your throat. He pressed his fingers against your neck feeling his cock gliding inside and it had his eyes rolling back.

Your brain is empty, completely entrapped in him and the feeling of him. Your lips are starting to hurt as he stretches your mouth like he’s stretching your pussy. You didn’t realize you were still rubbing your thighs together wanting to be relieved of the pressure you felt at your core.

His hands start creeping down your body teasing you with pinches and flicking at your nipples making you jerk off the bed but his cock stays steadily fucking your mouth. You feel him grip the tops of your thighs spreading your legs harshly making you cough around him. He just grunts at the tightness around him and you feel his fingers ghosting over your pussy. You only grip his belt loops tighter fingers raw where the fabric digs into the skin.

“So wet,” he says, fingers dipping between your core making your toes curl. “I wish you could see yourself, fuck baby.” he groans. You whine around him when he pushes two fingers into you. Spreading your legs as far as you can as he matches his thrusts into your mouth with his fingers inside of you curling them just right bringing you closer to the edge.

“So pretty like this, all spread out and open for me. Pretty little mouth taking me so well, like a good little slut” he says pushing his cock deep down your throat. All you can do is cry, tears and spit dripping into your hair. “Are you gonna cum like this baby? I bet you could cum even if I didn't touch you. Just fucking that little mouth of yours would make you cum, huh, baby?” you whimper because he’s probably right but that’s something for you to store in your mind for later.

“I'm gonna change up the plan, baby,” he said, voice growing deeper. He pulled out of your mouth letting you catch your breath as he leaned over you fully, his spit-soaked cock resting heavily against your cheek. Your chest heaved and he sped up his fingers. His other hand pressed into your lower stomach keeping you in place.

“Can hear how wet you are,” he taunted. He was right. You could hear the loud squelch with each swift thrust and you could feel yourself tightening before your release.

“Jeno,” you whined out from below. This only made him go faster.

“oh my fuc-“ you moan before being cut off by your orgasm hitting you suddenly. Legs shaking trying to close but he wouldn’t let you. You could feel the wetness dribbling out of your pussy and onto your thighs as your mouth hung open with no sounds coming out.

“good girl,” he says, slowing down before pulling out with a slap against your clit making you shake harder. “So messy,” he teases, pulling away before kneeling in front of you. You roll onto your stomach before he brushes your hair away from your face looking into your wet eyes, swiping at the drying spit on your cheeks.

“So good,” he whispers, leaning in to kiss your lips and reaching around you to pull you up from the edge of the bed.

“no,” you say when he goes to take off his jacket. He looks at you confused before realization washes over his features.

“You really like this jacket,” he says, drawing out the words with a smile. You nod shyly before laying back on the pillows and reaching up for him.

“Like it a lot. Makes you look like a sexy mean bad boy,” you say looking up at him as he walks around the bed before lifting his knee and pressing into the sheets.

“Do you want me to be a mean bad boy?” he tilts his head above you staring at you like he would eat you alive. He scoots closer to you, legs on either side of yours.

“mmm,” you hmm thinking for a second. He grips your thighs pressing them back before looking down at your dripping cunt. “only sometimes.” you confirm.

“Sometimes?” he questions gripping his length before guiding it between your folds drawing your attention from his face to between your legs. “elaborate.”

“like when,” your eyes flutter each time his cock pressed against your clit. He stops to get you to focus on his question. “when you, when -fuck- when you tease me and-“ you pause looking up at him with pleading eyes.

“And what?” he taunts further by pressing the tip of his cock into you. Your head lulls back against the pillows.

“And when you call me names,” you finish with a moan when he fully pressed into you. His cock fills you up fully, making your eyes roll back.

“What names?” he questions thrusting into you deeply. You almost want to ask him to shut up because he’s making your head spin. But he looks so hot above you, necklace dangling like you imagined almost hypnotizing you.

“When you,” you pause as he presses into the warm bundle of nerves. “call me,” you whine again as he continues to rub at the spot that has your toes curling. “pretty slut,” you finally finish with a huff.

He laughs at you tweaking your nipples and it makes you go crazy. He's filling you up so perfectly making you moan loudly gripping his leather sleeves. His hair is all disheveled now, somehow even hotter than when it was styled, more fringe fell over his forehead and bounced with each thrust into your tight heat. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he stared between your legs watching his fat cock sink into your pussy.

“So fucking tight for me.” he groans. “How does a pretty slut like you stay so tight, huh?” you feel tears brimming your eyes again shaking your head against the pillows. Everything feels so intense so full, so intense, so much pleasure.

“Gonna cum, Jen,” you whimper. Reaching for his hand before he intertwined your fingers and stared into your eyes.

“You gonna cum on my cock? Slutty little pussy takes me so well,” he’s hoarse and his words are going straight between your legs.

“Can I,” you’re out of breath, eyes pleading into his.

“cum, baby,” he says tenderly. You throw your head back and whine his name as your walls flutter around him. He doesn’t let up tightening his grip on your thigh and hand, thrusting into you just as hard.

“You squeeze me so tight, fuck,” he groans watching a white ring of your cum form around his length. You feel your legs trying to close around him to push him away but he stays overstimulating you as more tears tumble down your cheeks. He moves his hand from your thigh to press slow circles on your clit building you up again. “So wet. So fucking wet.”

“S’much,” you whine.

“One more baby you can do it. Little more baby just a little more,” he peeks up at you and you nod. “Gonna fill up your pretty pussy.” His thrusts are sloppier as he continues flicking your clit. He leans down pressing his lips against you, a stark contrast between his harsh thrusts and soft lips. Tongue licking into your mouth as you sucked on the wet muscle.

“Want it,” you mumble into his mouth, feeling his cock twitch inside of you. He pushes into you and warm white fills you up. You cum again clenching around him milking his cock as he continues his thrusts.

“fuck.” he groans into your shoulder before finally slowing his movements. You stay like that, feeling him soften inside of you as you both catch your breath. He kisses your neck before leaning back and pulling out of you spreading your legs to watch his cum drip out of your fluttering hole.

He watches as you reach your hand between your legs collecting your cum and his before bringing it to your mouth swirling your tongue around your digits tasting yourself and him.

“Don’t do that or I’ll have to fuck you again,” he warns. You roll your eyes giggling around your fingers before pulling them from your lips. “you’re so,” he doesn’t finish leaning back over you, kissing you sweetly.

“So what?” you ask when he pulls away getting off the bed. You watch him cross the room to his bathroom. You can hear him shuffling around and water running before he comes back warm washcloth in hand and in only his boxers. You want to pout at the loss of his outfit but you can’t when his chest is right in front of you.

“all of the above,” he responds, gripping your ankle and pulling you to the edge of the bed before using the cloth to clean you gently.

“You should wear a leather jacket more often.”

tysm for reading!! i’m thinking of making this a series (like bf jeno being lovely and sweet and sexy) anyways lemme know if ur into it hehe stay safe ʕᵔ ᴥ ᵔʔ

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[wonhaz]

break my heart again - y.jw

pairing : jungwon x fem!reader genre : classmates au, hanahaki au, angst, unrequited love, inspired by laufey's song - let you break my heart again wc : 2.2k warnings : child neglect, sickness, hospitals, blood, major character death, eating synopsis : yang jungwon breaks your heart, but you love him, and you'd let him do it again, and again. because you would rather die than live your life not loving him, and you do just that. a/n : i don't know why all my fic ideas from my bias (jungwon) are all so angsty but here you go ig! i put a lot of effort into the meaning of each flower and their symbolisms in the story so u can even google it if you want the full experience or full meanings. this laufey song makes me want to cry my eyes out but i hope u like the fic!

"one day i will stop falling in love with you."

you loved yang jungwon, but he didn't love you back.

he was the only thing you could think of, but you know well that he doesn't care about you. all of your friends told you to move on, to forget about him. you've tried, you really have, but nothing seems to work.

jungwon was everything any girl could ever want, top of the class, kind, funny, and not to mention, extremely cute. you're pretty sure every girl in school had feelings for him at one point, you were no different. you thought it would just be a happy crush, how did it get this bad?

how did you meet him? simple, he was your classmate, that's it. just your classmate. he knew if your existence, but only because of his role as class president, aside from that he had no reason to interact with you. he never saw how you looked at him with your lovesick gaze as he took down notes, he never saw you in the bleachers watching every single one of his competitions, he never saw you clutching your chest in pain, no matter what you did, he never saw you at all.

but you let him do it. again, and again, and again. as long as you were alive, you would let him break your heart again. all because you love yang jungwon.

your parents were busy, always out on business trips, leaving you all alone at home with no one to talk to. all you did at home was day dream and come up with fake scenarios and alternate universes where you and jungwon were a couple. did that help your current situation? hell no. it made it worse.

you sit at the dining table. alone. your plate with pie and your cup of coffee untouched, you were hungry, but had no appetite to eat. suddenly your favorite foods looked disgusting. you've read about this happening.

it's getting worse.

walking to school, you feel a pang of pain in your chest. quickly running to a hidden alley, you clutch your chest in pain. you feel as if you're about to throw up, trying to cough it out, petals fall out of your mouth instead. you watch as they float down to the floor, looking at them with a bitter smile. picking them up, you stuff them into a pocket in your bag.

arriving at school, you walk into the classroom. there he is. sitting on his friend's table laughing. walking to your seat, you lay your head on your table. listening to him laugh made your day better, but worse at the same time. each laugh he let out increased the growing pain in your chest.

you're grateful your teacher doesn't notice.

that nobody at school notices that you keep going to the bathroom. your friends don't notice either, you don't know whether to feel hurt or happy. hurt that they don't know you're in pain, happy that it will make it easier for you to leave this world since they don't pay attention to you. quickly locking yourself in a stall, you start coughing with no end. daffodil petals leave your lips with red stains. your blood. taking out your phone, you search up the meaning of daffodils. "daffodils symbolize unrequited love, rebirth, new beginnings, and eternal life."

eternal life. something you knew you didn't have.

during lunch break, you see jungwon in the halls. he's smiling holding a small bouquet of pink tulips. you look at him with a sad smile, you know it's not for you, it would never be for you. feeling the need to cough again, you run into an empty hallway and pink petals leave your mouth. pink tulips. crazy to think how quickly seeing jungwon could affect you.

finally deciding to see the doctor, you go to the hospital after school. you sit on the cold metal seats in the waiting room, waiting for your name to be called. "shim _______?". quickly standing up, you made your way into the doctors office and greet the doctor. "so what brings you hear young lady?" he asks. "this." you respond, taking the petals out of your bag and spreading them on his desk. you see the doctor's eyes widen and he looks at you. "hanahaki.." you hear him say, "how long have you been coughing up petals?", "about a month." you say and he shakes his head, "this means that you only have a bit of time left, meaning you've had this for months but only started coughing petals until recently. I'm afraid you only have 5 months left.". your heart drops, but it's alright, it was already broken. nodding, you tell him you understand. "do you plan to have the surgery? or is there a chance the one you love will love you back?" the doctor asks with hopeful eyes. you shake your head, "neither." you say, "i don't want the surgery, and the one i love will never love me back.". "______" the doctor says your name softly, "you'll die.". "i know." you say,

"but i'd rather die than live a life not loving him."

you leave the hospital that day knowing you have 5 months left. nothing would heal your broken heart. jungwon could never grow love for you, the only thing growing was the flowers in your lungs. you make your way to your home, if you could even all it one. you didn't even know where your parents currently were, but you do know that "business trips are more important." according to them. laying on your bed, you stare at your ceiling, just a few more months you think, and all this will be over.

you try to make the most of school.

since in a few months you won't have to go, grades are not something for you to worry about anymore. it didn't matter with your current situation. you went to school to see him, and only for that sole reason. sitting with your friends at the cafeteria, you stare at jungwon seated on the opposite side of the room. seeing him smiling makes you smile. seeing him happy makes you happy. one of your friends ask you if you're okay. "are you okay, _____? you haven't touched your food at all.", truthfully, you didn't feel like eating anything these days, but you can't tell them that. "yes, I'm alright, just got a little distracted." and they nod. they continue their conversation and your eyes find your way back to jungwon. he's getting up to leave, you excuse yourself from your friends and follow him out at a distance.

"jungwon! when are you asking your crush out? you've already given her tulips!", you hear one of his friends say. "soon, not sure yet." he responds nudging his friend and laughing. "but i found out she likes roses." jungwon says, almost instantly you feel your chest tighten and you know that you need to make a run for it. you run in the opposite direction to the bathroom and lock the stall door. you start coughing, the pain in your chest becoming unbearable. red rose petals with blood on them.

you always thought roses were beautiful, but with beauty comes pain. the thorns growing in your lungs making your breath hitch. you knew that your time was running out faster than expected.

three months left.

you start writing in a journal, in hopes that someone will find it after you leave. that they'll read about your last months loving jungwon. that they'll read about your tragic love story that never even was a love story in the first place. you write about jungwon and all the things you liked about him, about being left alone at home, and about ever single kind of petal you have coughed up, sticking them to the pages and learning about the meaning of each one. you learned that red roses symbolized love and romance, how ironic. two things that you would never experience. not in this life at least, hopefully in the next.

one month left.

you wanted to talk to jungwon before you left forever. even if it was short and made no sense. you knew he got to school early and you made an effort to get there early too. he sat at his desk studying for the test later, mustering up the courage to walk up to him, you stand at the end of his desk and he looks up and gives you a confused look. "hi _____, do you need something?" he asks. "thank you, jungwon." you say and his eyebrows furrow. "for what?", "for everything." you say with a smile. "you're welcome?" he says still confused. flashing him a small smile, you get your bags and walk out the classroom leaving him alone, his eyes follow you as you walk out. he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. he doesn't care.

that broke your heart again.

one week left.

you thought you were well prepared for your departure. you wrote a letter to your parents, leaving it on their table. you weren't even sure if they would ever come home and read it, but it didn't matter. their not-so-golden only child would be gone and they wouldn't even know. you wrote a letter to each of your friends, it was easy since you only had a few. you gave it to them at school and made them promise to read them in a week. you wanted to go in peace. you wanted to go alone.

3 days left.

you go to school to gather everything from your locker, touching the cold metal door for the last time. you greet your favorite teachers before you leave, you even buy your favorite drink from the cafeteria, you were going to miss how it tasted. you walk out of the school and turn to look at it. it would be the last time you see the school. the school you dreaded going to, the school where you met yang jungwon. you decided you were going to spend your last few days at home before making your way to where you plan to depart forever.

one day left.

you tidy up your room, straightening up your pillows and bedsheets. you clean your messy desk and leave the journal right in the middle. the journal that contained your thoughts, your fondest memories, the memories of your last months on this earth. making your way to the kitchen, the light the refrigerator emits feels blinding. taking out the last slice of leftover pie, you make yourself a cup of coffee to go with it and sit alone at the table. you didn't feel hungry, not anymore, but you forced yourself to eat your favorite foods one last time. you savor the taste of the coffee, the warmth temporarily soothing the pain in your lungs. you felt sick that night, maybe because you forced yourself to eat, maybe it was because you knew your time was running out. either way, you tried your best to fall asleep.

3 hours left.

you make your way to a field deep in your favorite park. it was off limits but you used to go there alone anyways. laying under a big tree, you stare up at they sky, you'll be up there soon. you feel your eyes start to tear up, you're crying. you don't mean to cry, but it's as if your body knows that your time is about to run out.

1 hour left.

"one day i will stop falling in love with you."

you tried to stop loving yang jungwon. heaven knows how much you tried. jungwon would never love you, but you would never stop loving him. you would love him even if you were dead. you would love him as you watched from above.

"some day, someone will like me like I like you."

is what you thought. that wasn't going to happen anymore, maybe not in this life at least. you were classmates. and you would remain classmates for the rest of his life, and your short one.

10 minutes left.

you look at the green grass and trees surrounding you. the sun was setting, painting the sky a mix of purple, pink and orange. you smile. if only jungwon was beside you enjoying this too.

but he wasn't. but the thought of it made your heart flutter.

your heart. your broken heart.

you loved yang jungwon, but he broke your heart. he has multiple times but he never knew. you would still let him do it again in every life, because that's how much you love him.

you begin to feel sleepy, it's almost as if your life is being drained out of you. you bring your hand up to your chest, to where your broken heart lies. the vines in your lungs suffocating you.

you look at the now dark and starry sky and let out one last breathe.

"i love you, yang jungwon." you say and close your eyes for the last time.

epilogue.

10 years later

the wind rustles the leaves of the tree you once lay under. some leaves fall and slowly land on the grass by the base, beside it, a flower has grown. a daffodil. the first flower you ever coughed up. you searched its meaning back then.

"daffodils symbolize unrequited love, rebirth, new beginnings, and eternal life."

maybe, just maybe, fate will let you have your new beginning.

that fate will give you another chance in your next life to be with the one you love.

[starnightlover]

I have listened to a disney princess sub playlist that I made, and the RESULTS OMGG

I’ve become a lot kinder and compassionate. I used to be quite bitter and so angry at some people for the slightest things, and even though I never did anything to them, it drove me crazy keeping it inside. But now all that is gone and I’d rather be kind to people than hurt them.

I find myself singing disney songs a lot. Once Upon a Dream in particular actually, and I keep imagining dancing with my true love, whoever that is lolll. I just keep having this urge to sing and dance like a princess 😭

I’ve become a lot more graceful and posture has gotten better. and I actually walk like a real princess!!

I’m more physically dramatic iykwim. You know when a lot of disney princesses get upset they fall to the ground and cry or dramatically start sobbing into their arms, i’ve started doing that whenever i’m sad 😂 I’m also just more dramatic in general, like I sound like a disney princess. Whenever i get happy, I go “oh my!” with such a soft and surprised voice hahahaa 🤣

I think my singing has gotten better too. I was AWFUL at singing, but I actually seem to be getting better, and i’m becoming less shy about singing in front of others

In general, I’ve just become more confident and less anxious about everything. It feels so freeing honestly because I used to have crippling anxiety and was stressed constantly. Now it feels as if I’m floating most of the time, it’s so peaceful ☺️☺️

Anyway idk if you’ll post this, but i’d just thought it could motivate some people 💖

Awwwwwww stop- this is so cute!!!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!!!

[gothic-galene]

A letter from your future spouse

☆ 🖇️ 𖥻 ＜꒱             PAID SERVICES

Pile 1  

Dear Y/N,

Even if you don't believe in anything, I believe in you. I think you should continue thinking about where you should continue growing from here. I don't know you yet but I believe that you are out there, I'm writing this letter to you because as humans, we experience the highest highs and the lowest lows and I really hope that you are okay but if I'm honest, I'm writing this letter to provide myself with comfort, I just want to feel capable enough to be home to someone. I'm impatient, I wish to meet you right now but I'm lost with no direction. I go forward and live everyday as if I'm fine but as cheesy as it sounds your absence constricts my heart. I want to laugh and smile as if I don't miss you, as if I don't feel the emptiness without you. I silently call out for you on the loneliest of my nights, do you hear my heart? With every person I meet, I hope to find you but always find myself at the face of disappointment in the end. If you recognise me before I do, don't think about anything and please just hold my hand. You're still a dream due to which I sleep a lot. I'll be better only if I know that you exist and miss me even half as much as I do, that we'll meet someday. Will you even love me if we meet though? What's so loveable about me anyway? I'm sorry, this is not usually me, I'm just very pessimistic right now, I think the emotions and thoughts I buried deep down are coming to the surface because I'm desperate, I'm going to burst into flames if I don't get to hold you in my arms right now.

"Lately all I feel is bad and bruised, tired of tripping on my shoes but when she loves me, I feel like I'm floating. When she calls me 'pretty' I feel like somebody. Even when we fade eventually to nothing, you will always be my favorite form of loving." (This describes your person's feelings towards you especially right now and also during your relationship.)

Pile 2

Dear Y/N,

You feel so faraway, like the stars. I come from a family who's profession is to love, I can feel that you want this love right now, it aches my heart to think about you not feeling loved. Right now, I need you to try to understand yourself, face your deepest fears and the parts of yourself that you've picked up from people who have hurt you and did you wrong. Forgive your mother/father figure, it's not easy but I hope you still keep some distance from them. You need to connect to your inner child, you know... Nothing is more bitter than watching yourself lose the happiness that your dreams provide, little by little. I'll love you so much, you have no clue. I'm sure you're somewhere out there. So many things happened, you can't just forget them but I want you to heal yourself as much as you can. Do things that you really love, like listen to your favourite songs, dance, paint, go out with friends, watch movies but please take care of yourself, until I meet you, I'll wait, I'll work on my growth too.

Some of you have family issues and not only that but also friendship and relationship wounds, your person's higher self wants you to heal for yourself.

Falling in love - cigarettes after sex

Pile 3

Dear Y/N,

I believe it was love, destiny conspired against us though. I crave intimacy but what's between us scared me. It's difficult for me to move on if I keep on worrying about you. You know me better than I do, so why didn't you stop me back then? It was still destined for us to meet, looking at you brightened by days, now, I'm lost. I was happy only because of you. You even enter my dreams as if I don't miss you enough already. I'm sorry if what I'm writing isn't making any sense, I'm in a my sentiments right now. You taught me how to love myself, seeing you cry over me was hard for me too, forget me please, I can't look at you even when you're hurt or sick, you gotta take care of yourself. I'll have to remember you for longer than I knew you, how did you manage to do that to me in such a short amount of time? Do you actually care about me? I'm a disaster, why are you addicted to your own pain? Longing over me is going to hurt you. I can't bring myself to hurt you anymore but staying away from you seems to be hurting you enough, am I just thinking too much though or do you actually remember me the way I remember you? I don't know about that but what you're easily the only person who I feel so softly towards. I'm trying to find you in everyone else, it hurts. I'll be fine though, you too, don't wet your pillow over me, we were supposed to teach each other lessons, we've both been learning, goodbye, my love.

I'm getting a love that wasn't destined to last managing to change because of your feelings for each other. There's a chance that you have already met this person, choose another pile though, your future doesn't seem set in stone yet. I'm getting another person coming through for you too. This might be a letter from your fs to your future self too though.

I'm also getting 'hotel del luna' and 'while we were sleeping' vibes when it comes to the trope. You might relate to the female lead (Man wol) of hotel del luna. I'm feeling so emotional and having sudden mood swings while channeling right now. You both want each other to forget the other but at the same time want to be remembered? I'm not sure how to explain.

"Love is like that, it's hard for me."

Another day - Monday Kiz, Punch

It's you - Henry

[baniigattsuu]

100 REASONS TO STAY ALIVE:

1. to make your friends proud

2. to conquer your fears

3. to see your favourite artist live

4. to listen to music

5. to experience a new culture

6. to meet new people

7. to inspire

8. to have your own children

9. to adopt your own pet

10. to make yourself proud

11. to meet your idols

12. to laugh until you cry

13. to feel tears of happiness

14. to eat your favorite food

15. to see your siblings grow

16. to pass school

17. to get a tattoo

18. to smile until your cheeks hurt

19. to meet your internet friends

20. to find someone who loves you like you deserve

21. to eat ice cream on a hot day

22. to drink hot chocolate on a cold day

23. to see untouched snow in the morning

24. to see a sunset that sets the sky on fire

25. to see stars that light up the sky

26. to read a book that changes your life

27. to see the first flowers in the spring

28. to travel abroad

29. to learn a new language

30. to learn to draw

31. to tell others your story in the hopes of helping and inspiring them

32. puppy kisses

33. kitten kisses

34. swear words, and the release you feel saying them

35. trampolines

36. stargazing

37. cloud watching

38. taking a shower and then sleeping in clean sheets

39. receiving thoughtful gifts

40. "i saw this and i thought of you"

41. the feeling you get when someone says "i love you"

42. the relief you feel after crying

43. sunshine

44. the feeling you get when someone is listening to you / giving you their full attention

45. your future wedding

46. your favorite candy

47. new clothes

48. completing goals / a milestone

49. the kinds of dreams when you wake up and can't stop smiling

50. the sound of rain

51. the feeling you get when you're dancing

52. the people who mean the most to you

53. trying out new recipes

54. the feeling you get when your favourite song comes on the radio

55. the rush you feel when you step into a concert

56. sharing your voice, talents and knowledge with the world because they're so valuable

57. breakfast in bed

58. forgiveness

59. fireflies

60. birthdays

61. realizing that someone loves you

62. spending the day with someone you love

63. eating a whole pint of your favorites ice cream

64. floating on your back in warm water, staring at the sky and thinking

65. first dates (even the bad ones make for funny stories!)

66. bonfires n smores

67. coming home to someone you love

68. singing at the top of your lungs with your friends (or on your own!)

69. cuddling

70. being wrapped up in a warm bed

71. someone's skin against yours

72. holding hands

73. road trips

74. spontaneous adventures

75. the feeling when the ocean wave rolls up and envelops your toes and ankles

76. peaceful thunderstorms

77. trips to disneyworld

78. the child-like feeling you get on christmas morning

79. the day when everything finally goes your way

80. compliments and praise

81. making someone laugh

82. taking care of yourself

83. sleepovers

84. waking up on summer mornings

85. creating

86. therapy

87. feeling like reality is finally better than dreams

88. relationships

89. friendships

90. good hair days

91. feeling confident, like you can openly be yourself

92. creating ambitions and aspirations

93. putting yourself first

94. memes and funny jokes

95. writing

96. aesthetics / visuals

97. learning to love yourself

98. falling back in love with living

99. feeling genuinely at peace with yourself

100. looking back at this moment in the future and thinking "i made it"

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[malarkgirlypop]

MEDIC! Part 15 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)

It's all I can see and I'm crying! A song for them.

Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, no hate to anyone involved.

Again I am so sorry.

Tag list: @next-autopsy

I am floating outside of my body. I help the men with their injuries like I am on autopilot. People talk to me but I don’t hear them, I don’t even try to pretend I am listening. I walk, I help, I sit. 

I stare out into the town of Foy, the image of Skip and Penkala’s last moments replaying in my head like I am living in a nightmare. Like a sick magic trick, you see them and then you don’t. I stand and watch as the men scour their hole trying to find remnants of them. I physically hurt watching them. I watch Lip hand Malarkey, one of the boys' rosaries. We haven’t spoken, I think we have both shut down. I can’t be near him, it hurts too much all I can think about is them when I see him. I’m sure he feels the same way. Tears well in my eyes watching Lip and Malarkey by their foxhole, I turn away so no one sees them fall. I have adopted the stare that I have seen countless times before. I know why they do it now too, it feels good not to be present, to not have to come to terms with what you have seen. The weight of reality hasn’t yet crushed down on me. After losing Toye and Bill, then Buck and now Skip and Penkala. I loved those boys like my brothers. I walk away from the line. Away, I need to be away from here. I bump into someone as I hurry along, not looking to see who it is I carry on with my escape. Their grip holds me in place. I look up. Bull’s face appears in my vision. “You alright Darling?” Bull asks me in a kind voice. 

“I’m fine.” I say firmly, pulling from his grip. He lets me go. I side step him, but he moves in front of me.

“What did you see?” He asks, not letting me pass. I look at him angry, I don’t want to have to say what I saw out loud, that would make it real. 

“I didn’t see anything.” I snap. 

“Don’t lie to me.” He says in a firm voice. 

“I’m not lying!” I answer with frustration laced in my tone. 

“I know you, Em! Don’t lie to me.” Bull says again. 

“What?” I yell, “What do you want me to say that I saw it happen?” Throwing my arms out. 

“I saw those men that I care for die right in front of me.” My voice is loud as it echoes through the trees. 

“That I was so close to getting into their hole. You know they were calling for me.” My voice wobbles as I yell. 

“I SAW THEM!” tears threatening to escape my eyes. “I saw them die!” Bull steps forward to hug me but I push him away. “NO! I don’t want this.” 

“Why wasn’t it me? Why was it them?” I sob still yelling, other people have gathered around wondering why I am shouting. 

“Why wasn’t I in that hole? I don’t belong here! They were good people and I had to watch them die!” I scream and sob at the same time.  

“It won’t stop!” I cry harder, closing my eyes. I cover my face, willing the memory to escape my mind. I crack and it crushes me. My body shakes from my sobs as Bull pins me to his chest. He shushes me and he strokes my hair. I wrangle out of his grasp, he looks at me with pain etched onto his face. Then I run, no one stops me, no one yells my name. They watch me run. 

After trampling through the woods for a while a stick catches on my foot tripping me sending me to the ground. I lie there and sob. Curling up into a ball and wishing to die. To not feel. My heart feels like it has been ripped from my body. My bones ache from missing them. They had families, lives, people to go back too, people waiting for them. I don't have anyone, I am nobody here. There is no Emily Lane that exists, the only place I am known is here. I can’t be sent home, I don’t have a home here. I sit up wiping my face. I can’t be sent home, so I won’t. I will act, I will do anything to get through this. My purpose, my family, is here. I will play myself well, I will not break. I can’t let this break me. The thought of being separated from these men scares me more than death. I would rather die than leave them. I stand my legs shaking from the cold. I slowly make my way back to camp, arriving by dusk. The men look shocked when I sit myself down beside them. 

“Em? You’re ok?” Lieb asks me from across the foxhole we sit in. I slide my mask into place, giving my best smile. 

“I’m fine, I just needed a minute.” I reply, my voice hoarse from crying. 

“A minute? Emily you were gone for hours, we sent search parties out for you.” He says anxiously.  

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you guys, I guess I lost track of time.” I apologise. The men are quiet not knowing what to say. Uncomfortable in the silence I stand, the men watch my every move. I go over to where they are serving dinner to grab some hot food. Bull sees me and comes over. 

“Darlin’ you ok?” He asks as his cigar hangs from his lips. 

“Yeah I’m fine. Hey I’m sorry for earlier, I was just a bit overwhelmed.” My lips tighten upward. 

“A bit?” Bull doesn’t seem convinced. 

“Ok, a lot. But I’m fine now. I had some time to think and I’m back, better than ever, even.” I lie. 

“Emily you can go home, if this is all too much.” Bull says empathetically. 

“No!” I say quickly, “No I don’t want to go home.”

“Em…”

“No Bull I’m fine, I can handle it. It was just a moment of weakness. I want to be here.” I protest. 

“You have to take care of yourself.” Bull says as his brows furrow together. 

“No, I want to see this through. I need to be here. Please Bull! I will take care of myself, I swear but I can do that here!” I plead with Bull, he shakes his head thinking.

“I don’t know Em?” I need to persuade him. 

“What do I have to do, to show you I’m fine?” I hold eye contact with him. He sighs.

“Darlin’ I want you here, I do. I guess if you're set on not leaving, I can’t make you.” I smile, patting him on the arm. I move past to get myself some food.

I sit in a foxhole by myself. I stare off at nothing. I dissociate from my surroundings. The only thing I can feel is the chill in my bones. It helps stop the aching everywhere else. I can barely eat. My stomach churns constantly. The insides of my cheeks are torn to shreds. I find myself crying without even noticing. The tears grow cold on my cheeks from the biting wind. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I want to scream and shout but I can’t, that would send me back. I have to keep up the facade. Sure I am allowed to be sad but I can’t let it consume me, which it desperately wants to do. I’m sure it will be fine, pushing it all to the back, pretending it’s not there. Never hurt me before. I get out of my hole, wandering around finding people to talk to. To show I’m fine. The conversations are superficial, pleasantries. My tolerance is shorter than normal, the conversation gets overwhelming after a while. I make excuses to leave. I am more blunt, less playful. The men notice, but don’t say anything. I try my best to be myself, but it’s tiring. 

The Battle of Foy happened not long after. I watched in dread as Dike fucked the whole operation. I watched through my hands as he stopped the men in the middle of the operation calling for them to fall back. When he got direct orders from Winters that the only thing they had to do was move forward. Winters almost ran out into action himself before Colonel Sink had ordered him back. The situation was finally controlled when Winters commanded Speir to take over the attack. He had done just that, it was actually impressive watching the man. He sprinted through the middle of town right past the German soldiers, who were so baffled by his brassiness, they didn’t even shoot him. He got the job done. Unfortunately there were still casualties, among those was CO Norman Dike, who had died. It was good to have a distraction, I busied myself in the help. Cleaning up wounds, suturing, and dressing. That’s all that I was thinking about, nothing else. We had finally taken Foy, I was relieved. 

The grief still hung heavy over me, but by now I wasn’t sad, I had moved on from that stage. I was angry. Every time I thought of Skip and Alex my blood boiled. My mind swirled. Those men did not deserve to die. How dare their lives be taken so soon. The men noticed quickly. I would snap, my temper short. I didn’t have time for jokes or banter. I would sit and fester in hatred. I was tense and on edge. The men of easy company pulled back from me. Too scared I would lash out with nasty words, “Better to leave her alone with her thoughts than go talk to her.” I heard Bull tell Frank. They avoided me more than they avoided the replacements. I didn’t blame them, hell I was happy to be left alone, consumed in my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep half the time either, my dreams now nightmares haunted me. I would be stuck in a loop of lying in the snow in front of their foxhole. I would scream at them to run, to get out, but they didn’t listen, staying put in their shelter. I would have to watch them die, over and over. It made me sick. I would wake up in a cold sweat, panting. After a while I stopped sleeping. It was more tiring to try and sleep than it was to stay awake. But being alone with my thoughts 24/7 was slowly driving me to the point of madness. The bags under my eyes were black, it looked like I had broken my nose. I was being clumsy, dropping things, making stupid mistakes which just made me angrier. It was getting out of hand, but I didn’t know what to do. I was not going to ask for help, that would be cause enough to send me packing. But at this stage I couldn’t help myself, it was a vicious cycle.  

I trudge behind the platoon as we move from Foy to the town of Noville. I was told to hang back in case we came across the enemy. I walk silently by myself, once again in my head thinking far too much to do me any good. The distance is obvious now between the men and I. None of them come to talk to me, scared I will growl at them. A resting bitch face is now my permanent feature. My rage quietly boiling in my blood. I have a hold on her now but I’m scared that she will come free from my grasp and rear her ugly head. My bottom lip is raw from my teeth finding satisfaction in feeling the sting and the metal taste in my mouth. The sound of gunfire pierces the air sending men scattering to find cover, some don’t make it falling to ground unmoving. I move quickly hurrying behind one of the small houses to the side of the road. I crouch behind the wall listening to the screams of the men and the constant cracking of the guns. I place my hand on the pistol on my hip, my eyes scanning the area. They fall upon a dead German soldier, his semi-automatic lying across his body. I flick my eyes back to where the assault takes place listening for any sounds of movement. I hear running footsteps coming towards me from the side of the house, my hand gripping my weapon. One of our own soldiers rounds the corner, my hand relaxes, as an ease returns to my chest. The man smiles at me knowing we are on the same side, he opens his mouth to talk. Before he can speak a crack sounds as the bullet travels through the man's helmet into his head and out the other side. His blood splattering over my face and chest as he drops to the ground. I close my eyes drawing in a shaky breath, opening them to find his staring back at me unblinking. My eyes dart back over to the German soldier lying on the ground. She’s got herself loose.

[2-the-moon-and-2-saturn]

@taylornation it’s a long shot to imagine you guys would read this, let alone show it to @taylorswift , but i feel like i need to say it, to thank her, for closure.

i was at the stadium saturday for over three hours before the concert got postponed. it was the most physically challenging experience of my life to just exist in that heat, and that was because i was at the very front of the fence which separates us from the stage (and eating and hydrating as much as i could at all times).

we were handed water and had massive fans that spit out water droplets turned at us, but it was clear that it was only able to help people who were in the first rows. and this is still considered an upgrade from what people in the first day had to suffer.

i don’t live in rio. i couldn’t stay for the concert today, and i’m heartbroken. my friend and i have been waiting for this moment, planning for it, for longer than the idea of the eras tour has been floated around. this is a heart-wrenching, devastating experience and i cannot stop thinking about how close i was to fulfilling my dream.

but it was necessary.

i wish taylor could know that we’re on her side, that so many of us who were on the floor for hours were saved by those air fans and water cups. that many more people could have collapsed if she hadn’t postponed the show.

and the people around me? the ones who had a dream just like me, and who had flown over from all of brazil in an attempt to make it come true? we understand.

there was loud booing from the audience when they realized it was no use; we had to give up. and i feel like part of it is because they didn’t know just how hard it was in the floor area. but it was wrong and i was ashamed to be in that group.

because so many of us get it. we’re on taylor’s side. we weren’t able to see her this time, and maybe we will cry about it in a way we haven’t cried about anything in very long. maybe we don’t know what to do next, because all our big plans for the year were surrounding this one event which will just not happen for us.

but we are with taylor. postponing that concert saved lives. and i wish there was a way for us to tell her that, to thank her for saving so many more from falling ill or worse due to the heat. we see it. we appreciate it. we understand. and i can’t speak for everyone, but i love her all the more for it.

i hope one day, i will get to show her. but until that day, i will listen to her songs and watch her enjoy her trips around the world, connecting with other fans, doing what she loves safely. and i will be happy for her. and so so incredibly grateful, because i will never forget about the day taylor swift saved my life.

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

~Sorta Louisiana-centered incorrect quotes cuz’ we love him in this household~ (also, here take a cookie) @simpyfrog

(\_/)

( . .)

>🍪

=======================================================================

Loui, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it- 


Georgia, whispering: Should we call the exorcist? 


York, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick. 


Tex, appalled: Call the exorcist.

=======================================================================

Loui, high at a sleepover: *nudges York at 3am* Pretty f(speaks New Orleans)ed up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. York? Wake up, York! Listen! They're sexless! 


York, trying to not knock him tf out: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

=======================================================================

*Tex teaching Loui to drive and taking York along for the ride* 


Tex: That's a pothole. To the left! 


Loui: Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole* 


York, sticking their face into the front over the center console: Cha Cha real smooth. 


Loui: I don't think that's how the song goes. 


Tex, crying and gripping the handle: Please just take me home. 


Loui: Country Roads. 


York: To the place. 


Loui and York in unison: I Belong! 


Tex, crying harder: What the f(speaks Texas)?

=======================================================================

Mass: Who the fuck added me to a f(speaks Boston)in’ group chat? 


Utah: >:O language 


Loui: Yeah watch your f(speaks New Orleans)in’ language 


York: Okay, who taught Loui the f(speaks New York) word?! 


Florida : 'The f(speaks Miami) word'. 


Georgia: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time 


Loui: Oh my god he censored it-


Florida : Say f(speaks Miami), Georgia. 


Loui: Do it, Georgia. Say f(speaks New Orleans).

=======================================================================

Loui, trying his first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY! 


York, an avid coffee drinker, on his twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.

=======================================================================

Tex: *makes Loui a cup of tea but puts salt in it to prank him* 


Loui: *sips tea* 


Tex: 


Loui: *finishes tea* 


Tex: Didn't it taste bad?

Loui: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all. 


Tex, tearing up: Oh, okay. *under his breath* Oh you sweet sweet thing….

=======================================================================

Florida: What is love? 


Tex: An emotional minefield. 


York: A neurochemical reaction. 


Loui: Baby don't hurt me.

=======================================================================

Loui: You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "huh.." 


Mass: I saw you. 


Loui: Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of York t-posing over Jersey after winning a fight.

=======================================================================

Georgia: I give up. I am so tired. 


Florida: Get the emergency supply! 


Tex: *carries Loui and places him in front of Georgia* 


Loui: *smiles and hugs him* 


Georgia: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO-

=======================================================================

York: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders? 


Loui: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the hat man. 


York: THE WHO? 


Loui: Oh is this not a safe space suddenly?

=======================================================================

Georgia: But what about Lou? 


Florida: Don't worry about him.


Florida: I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep drinking his daiquiri like nothing happened.

=======================================================================

Loui: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Florida and Georgia: Buddy no-

=======================================================================

Loui: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Tex periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’ 


Loui: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

=======================================================================

*Loui and Georgia are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff* 


Georgia: oh my god, Lou, backwards! 


Loui: Really, Geo? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.

Georgia: Genuinely, WTF is wrong with you?!

Loui: I don’t even know anymore-

=======================================================================

Mass: I’m going to hell. 


Loui: Probably. 


Mass: I'll pick you up? 


Loui: *nodding* Carpool.

============================================

Florida: Would you take a bullet for me? 


Loui: ...yes? 


*Mass angrily bursts into the room* 


Florida: *running away* Great, thanks!

============================================

Georgia: Good morning.

Tex: Good morning. 


York: Good morning. 


Mass: Good morning. 


Florida: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit. 


Loui: MORNING MOTHERF(speaks New Orleans)ERS!

============================================

Loui: Everything’s fine, I’m fine, Mass. 


Mass: Loui, I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE-

============================================

Mass: Many people are mildly dehydrated and don’t realize it. You should drink at least six glasses of water per day.

York: No, eight glasses! 


Tex: I heard ten. 


Florida: You need to drink at least five glasses of water per minute. 


*later…* 


Loui: Okay, I just read through every study I could find to try to figure out whether low-grade dehydration is even a real thing. 


Florida: What did you learn? 


Loui: If you spend all day doing research and forget to eat or drink, you start to feel pretty bad. 


Mass: I’ll get some water. 


Loui: But how many glas–whoa, feeling dizzy. *nearly falls*


Georgia: *catches him* Maybe you should just drink straight from the tap, kid.

============================================

Loui, trying to comfort someone: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

============================================

Georgia: Loui learned how to fold origami penguins from New York the other day. I told them, “I feel a little bad for the penguins, it’s hot here”, and the next day he put them in the freezer 🥹

============================================

[summers-pratt]

Tell me all your best wholesome Spuffy headcanons

This is an insane ask and you are going to get an insane answer, I have so many floating around in the ten vegetable soup that is my brain and I'm just gonna ladle out a bowl right now, I hope you're hungry

-Spike obviously writes Buffy poems all the fucking time, sonnets, odes, limericks, rambling streams of consciousness, about how her hair catches the light, all the different smiles she gives him throughout the day, absolutely filthy descriptions of him going down on her, how she is a warrior and his hero, how she fills him up and makes him and remakes him and how deeply she has become a part of him, what just sitting next to her on the couch in their home feels like, and he fills notebooks with them, he scribbles them on napkins and the backs of receipts and post its and whatever paper he has on hand, he leaves them in her pocket or under her juice glass in the morning, softly recites them to her when she's falling asleep or when they're having (relatively tame (for them) and therefore easy to speak during) sex, she notices him scribling away at one and he lets her read them, and every time he doesn't expect anything and for her to laugh or say they're not that good and every time she is completely floored by the depth of his feeling for her and the things he sees in her and the way he sees her and every time he can't believe she actually likes what he writes, that she understands what he means and is touched and affected by it the same way he is

-they share jewelry. She still absolutely has the skull ring and sometimes she wears it on her finger and other times it's on a chain around her neck. I like the idea that Buffy has a name necklace like Dawn has in Tabula Rasa (maybe they were Christmas gifts from their parents one year), and Buffy gives hers to Spike and he wears it every single day. He thinks it marks him as hers and he fuckng loves it.

-they take so many pictures. With cameras, in photo booths, once they figure out cell phones they use them non stop. They have the normal smiling ones of them and their friends and Dawn at birthday parties and dinner and day to day nice moments, and then they also have ones of Buffy beheading a demon on patrol, Spike making fangs out of onion blossom, each one tries to catch the other one crying at movies. Also they absolutely sext each other all the time and it's filthy and they love it

-when Dawn teaches them how to text, Spike's first text is to Buffy and it's "what are you wearing" despite her sitting right next to him on the couch. She takes a full two minutes to type out what underwear she has on and he keeps trying to peek over her shoulder but finally she manages it and they race off to their bedroom and Dawn tries very hard not to think about anything as she leaves

-Buffy finally gives in and listens to Spike's carefully curated playlist of Punk Songs To Show Buffy To Get Her To Like Punk Rock, and it fucking works

-Spike rents every ice skating movie he can get his hands on and they make a movie night out of it every time

-Buffy helps Spike bleach his hair. Obviously.

-Spike takes Buffy and Dawn to the ice capades when it comes to town every year after learning she used to love going when she was younger and he actually ends up having a great time and Dawn cannot believe how lame her parents are

-Buffy buys weird spicy sauces at the store for Spike to try just because and he almost cries helping her put the groceries away

-they go through a lot of furniture, from demons coming in and smashing stuff to sparring going to far to getting so wrapped up in their crazy super-powered sex that they don't notice they broke their third coffee table of the month, so the local secondhand shops LOVE them, they think they're interior designers or realtors or something and think it's just lovely a young couple also work together, and so successfully if they keep coming in

-Buffy wears Spike's button up shirts over her tank tops and bralettes all the time

-so we know Spike has a hair kink so of course he loves running his fingers through her hair, he does it absent-mindedly, but Buffy also love running her hands through Spike's hair and he also loves it and he purrs whenever she does it for awhile

-they have monster movie nights with Dawn where they watch horrible cheesy vampire movies and make fun of them

-Buffy makes Spike tea. It is the worst tea he has ever had but she has a special mug she uses and a tea strainer that is shaped like a heart and she buys all kinds of weird spicy teas that she thinks he might like and she proudly presents it to him and it is his favorite tea he has ever had

[braxien12]

Standoff With Mikey

Pairing: Mikey x OC! Hibiki

The music was a muffled symphony from the peace of the balcony. The full moon shone brightly from above much like its avatar from below; and wearing a red, fitted dress that hugged every curve and flowed like water at the end. She looked just as beautiful as she did when they were kids. Her back was facing him and the gun in his hand felt a little heavier, the trigger a little harder to pull.

“Why are you here, Mikey?”

There it was. That old nickname he hasn’t heard in years. Hearing it again from her lips and in her voice was sweeping nostalgia, strong enough to almost make him fall to his knees.

“Are you here to beat me within an inch of my life like you did our friends?” she paused, a small sniffle reaching his ears. She was crying. She never liked crying in front of people. “Or are you going to kill me, too?” She turned around. The mask that served as the strongest tell of her family’s namesake was lying on the balcony’s railing. Her face was uncovered and so, so telling. Maybe that’s why she liked to wear it so much.

“Hibiki.” Her name felt so weird, yet refreshing on his tongue. It’s been so long. She closed her eyes at the sound of it, feeling it reverberate over her like a slow song, and let it engulf just for a little while.

“Takemichi reached out to you.”

She opened her eyes. Her nose twitched, a cute little move she had whenever she was able to lie. She shuffled in her spot, swinging her right foot behind and in front of the other repeatedly. It brought back a memory of how she would always fiddle with her shoes whenever she wore heels. Walking barefoot was second nature to her and shoes were like the bane of her existence. It looks like she’s still uncomfortable wearing them.

“He listens to you. Tell him to back off.”

She huffed out a small laugh and spread out one of her hands on the railing. She tapped her finger against the iron. Once, twice, a third time.

"You know, there was a time when you used to listen to me too."

"That was in the past."

"And who's fault is that, Mikey?"

"Stop calling me that!"

He readjusted his grip on the gun and that may have been the first time she regarded the gun in his hand.

"Tell him to back off and forget we ever had this conversation."

"Takemichi said you asked him to save you."

There was a furrow of his brow but besides that neither his face nor his blank eyes gave nothing away. She took one step towards him.

He shot a bullet inches from her feet. Stay back.

"Takemichi has a mind of his own, and, as you know, when he sets his mind to something he does it. As for me." A sharp gust of wind blew, fanning out her hair and her dress with it. A strong scent of citrus and ocean water, a perfume she could never go without when they were younger.  She still smelt the same. She still smelled like home.

"I've never given up on you, and I refuse to do so now." She tapped the balcony. Once, twice. Then she walked towards the door so gracefully that the only indication that she wasn't floating was the rhythmic tapping of her heels.

"I love you, Sano Manjiro. As much as the moon loves the sun, but I refuse to let you stay in this eclipse forever."

[dustedmagazine]

Listed: Immaterial Possession

Photo by Jessica Gratigny

Immaterial Possession puts the viscerality of bass-driven rock, the hypnotic drone of East European folk and the dippy energy of art punk into a blender lets it whirr.  The Athens, Georgia band—comprised of Cooper Holmes, Madeline Polites, John Spiegel and Elephant 6 scion Kiran Fernandes—met at an arts commune.  Their self-titled debut came out in 2020, and the follow-up, Mercy of the Crane Folk, this year. Reviewing it, Jennifer Kelly noted that, “If you’ve ever wondered what the B-52s might sound like on a serious Incredible String Band bender, well, possibly a lot like Mercy of the Crane Folk.”

Selda “Gitme”

Selda is the queen, a 1970s Turkish songwriter, political activist and cultural icon. This song has such great energy. You immediately blast off on the Turkish spaceship to the cosmic love song.. the desperation in Selda's powerful voice steers you.  (Madeline)

The Stranglers, “Hanging Around”

Love this track and whole record Rattus Norvegicus for its up-front, guttural driving bass lines and menacing vocals. The keyboard runs ascending into the air counter the low earthiness. The record cover is also a perfect fit for the music, classy yet dingy, calm but aggressive, mysterious but mundane. (Cooper)

Isaan style street music from Bangkok 

Isaan music from Northeastern Thailand is some of the coolest music ever.. it's got the perfect blend of psychedelia, folk, improvisation, and party rhythm. And it's for all occasions. (Madeline)

The players are effortlessly cool too. Almost anything we find in this genre gets us going. (Cooper)

Bizunesh Bekele, “Debdabe Lakibign”

This video is one of my favorite tracks lately. I love the shuffle beat with the overdriven krar, a six-stringed harp, and the sweet synth licks mixed with the vocal. (Kiran Fernandes)

Hany Mehannah, “Shahr Al Assal”

Super groovy 1970s Egyptian music, scored for film. This is one of my faves from Hany Mehanna, a wonderful composer and keyboardist. His flourishing expressiveness of the Farfisa organ is a great influence on my organ playing in Immaterial. (Kiran)

The B52s, “Give Me Back My Man”

A big favorite from the B-52s catalogue. Cindy Wilson's vocals are so raw and glorious.. her swing from chill to scream is a cathartic explosion. And the beat and bass line is everlasting in electric spirit.  I listen to this one when I need a jump. It’s also a favorite karaoke number. (Madeline)

Buffy Sainte-Marie, “God Is Alive Magick Is Afoot”

A friend shared this with us after one of our shows. Buffy Sainte-Marie is a radical badass woman. It's “experimental” (as implied by a traditional pop sense) in the way that you are partaking in her hypnotic spell work. Just found out Leonard Cohen wrote the lyrics. That explains my gravitation to this one; Cohen is a favorite lyricist. (Madeline)

Barış Manço, “Dere Boyu Kavaklar”

Another groovy 1970s Turkish funk master. That mustache is its own instrument. I sit patiently, although in starving anticipation, for that delicious lead riff.. for that, we'll go to wherever he's luring us..(Madeline)

Aphrodites Child, “End of the World”

A 1968 Grecian epic banger. Appropriately, in the Greek mythological tradition, it's both deeply romantic and ominous in nature. Very incredible, shapeshifting vocals. Sometimes the visions of the werewolf come into my head with this one. Other times, it just feels like an apocalyptic fury of love. You could probably use this song as an easy Rorschach-ian test to see what's going on in your brain today. (Madeline)

The Bats, “Smoking Her Wings”

A friend put this on a mix tape. I love this sweet song! A driving tune with a perfectly soft and floating nostalgic melody. When I listen, I feel like I am falling in love in the summer of 1987 and want to cry over something yet I know not exactly what. (Madeline)

Velly Joonas, “Stopp, Seisku Aeg!”

A 1970s Estonian songwriter and artist. This funkadelic, melancholic, song has got a viola(?) line that cuts through like you're swimming up to the shimmering surface of the Baltic sea to take a breath. I love the rhythm in the vocal lines. I've listened to this song on repeat many times. Thank you Velly! (Madeline)

[sapphicjigsaw]

the scary jokes..... arent jokes supposed to be funny not scary (interested in knowing what this is)

OOOOOOOOOOHHHOHHOHOOOO

The lesbianism beam is charging up.

Ok so The Scary Jokes is a band (1 transgender and a dream) who describes their sound as “indie bedroom synthpop” which means nothing because genres are fake and don’t mean anything BUT the music is very good. It’s kind of beep boopy and very gay and I really love how their voice sounds in the quite minimal production of the first 3 albums.

If you want to start with them I would recommend listening to BURN PYGMALION!!!!!! A Better Guide to Romance. Listening to albums front to back is my preferred way to listen generally but even if it’s not for you I’d highly recommend front to back because OF THE REALLY GOOD MUSICAL PACING. I will die for this album this album is my religion this album is the one album I will never stop preaching about. Its sounds fuckifn incredible and has songwriting designed to maximize the desire to be a lesbian werewolf and claw and bite into someone. It’s a narrative album about the relationship between Sylvia, an up and coming movie star, and Jeanine, a journalist who has been working to boost Sylvia’s career. They are both dealing with shit from past relationships and are insane in different ways (Jeanine is obsessed) and it all goes bad. The pov of the songs switches a lot and honestly it’s probably better if you just listen for the music and the feeling the first time through but you got me on my autism and it’s not slowing down. The tracks hop from slow and kind of angsty too teeth rottingly fluffy with a distinct feeling that everything is about to go wrong to a series of knife twists that leave me feral every time. There’s so few songs that communicate the ache, the need, the kind request to be seen and heard and the terrible hunger it hides, the tired anger, the feeling of spiraling as well as the tracks on this album.

I love the album so much and to pick favorites from it is genuinely hard. Sylvia’s just a dying is incredible, it sounds like falling through an anxiety void filled with glitter and the knife twisting lyrics being punctuated with “after all I’m just a friend” HERRREGGHGFGGGV IM CRAZY IM CRAZY. Pygmalion makes me want to tear into someone more than I already do and Starstruck is the ultimate kicking my feet and giggling I’m going to explode song. Admire the Architecture is short but it sounds so good and the lyrics are very focused on the narrative and it really draws you into the characters for the consecutive series of gut punches that is the back half of the album. No Leverage/No Pleasure oh my god oh my GOD, if you listen to nothing else listen to this PLEASE. THIS SONG IS THE HUNGER, IT IS SUCH INTENSE LOVE AND DESIRE THAT YOU ARE SO CONSUMED YOU CAN DO NOTHING BUT CONSUME. Crushed Out on Soda Beach makes me cry. It’s an apology, it’s defeat, it’s beautiful and it’s only a start but it is a start and whatever brought us here is gone. And then the floating away with Bets against the void. HHHHRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ITS GOOD. THE LESBAINS!!!!!!

There’s also 3 OTHER ALBUMS which are also VERY GOOD. April Fools is their most popular project (you may have heard the track Icicles from it) it is not narrative and not about a specific relationship but it’s a lot of SAPPHIC AND TRANSGENDER HARD TIMES. If you listen to it I would highly recommend the 2021 version simply because of the fuller sound and slight refinements. It is full of bangers with Blood from the Concrete, Catabolic Seed, and Night at the movies being my personal favorite. I’d highly recommend this album to anyone who likes Burn Pygmalion!!!!!! A Better Guide to Romance or people who listen to both Toby Fox and Mitski.

Bad at math is their first project and much more low key and personal. All of the songs are quite hit or miss, my personal favorites are Poison Ivy and Hold Yourself Tight. Retinal Bloom is their most recent project, it sounds good but the production kid of puts the lyrics in the background in a way I like less. It’s much more soundscape focused and does that well but it’s not my personal taste.

I have MORE INFORMATION if WANTED but I need to COLLAPSE AND SLEEP NOW GOOD NIGHT MWAH

[ventya]

Everyday i think about how we could have had canon Harringrove with the magic of flashbacks!

Before you dismiss this Money Heist did this with Berlin and Palermo and it was so perfect. Giving place to a new character and giving old (dead and alive) characters even more depth.

We’d get an uncharacteristically grieving Steve, who doesn’t know how to handle Billy’s death. He’d be at Billy’s grave and we get scenes of Billy and Steve where they got along when they were both benched during basketball, them at the quarry sitting on their cars, when Steve invited Billy to his house at night. Same night where Billy puts on Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl for Steve because his house is a fucking mansion. When they get together it’s not explicit boyfriend thing but. “You know I can’t buy you pearls, uptown boy.” Billy joked with a wolfish grin and Steve had to keep himself from melting. “You don’t have to.” Steve knew it was a joke but still. He licked his lips. “If you want…I can buy you pearls.” Billy snorted at that.

Steve is in immense pain but he doesn’t show it. He’s good at it, he learned it. But it hurts when people can’t see. Can’t see how hurt he is.

“What do you know about pain, Steve?!”

It’s too late now. Vecna gets ahold of him, his grief and his guilt. He has the willingness to die at the hands of this monster especially when “Billy” is in front of him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The thing asks him and it sounds so much like Billy. “Why didn’t you tell me that you loved me? You could have saved me.“ It gets hard to breathe, Steve feels like he’s falling as reaches out to Billy. Apology on his trembling lips till he hears a familiar sound. Steve turns seeing the large image of him and Billy in his living room dancing.

“Uptown girl, she’s been living in her uptown world.” They were singing and laughing. Their voices mixes with other voices and his gaze follows these voice. There at the back it’s him…floating? And around him Robin and the party. They are all singing Uptown girl.

“When things get tough,” it was Billy’s voice and Steve almost forgotten about that night. That night Billy had come with another set of bruises.“Like really tough. I want you to leave, Steve.”

“What? Billy-“

“I want you to leave me behind. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself if anything happened to you.” He wasn’t sure if it was his mind scrambling to survive or if it was something else.

“Billy I can’t leave you-I won’t!”

“Steve! Don’t you fucking get it!” Billy was angry with tears in his eyes that made Steve’s heart ache. “The world wasn’t build for people like us. One of us has to make it through. And I want that to be you.” Billy was crying choking on his words. “Just please- fuck please promise me that.” He looked desperate and heartbroken that it made Steve feel sick. So just nodded his head to get Billy to calm down.

“Okay, okay-“ he heard his own disappear Steve turns to look at this thing pretending to be Billy. He feels his throat tightened and his eyes sting as his heart slowly broke. “I’m letting you go cos I promised you.” And so he ran, he ran to what looked like the exit. He ran to the people still alive, who cared and loved enough for him to sing a cheesy pop song that they all told him to turn off when he played it.

When Steve fell down to the ground arms were thrown around him as if he could fly back into the sky any second. He doesn’t cry.

“I’m alright guys.” He laughed lightly. He doesn’t cry, he lets the other cry for him. Robin has arms tightly around him and she didn’t let go of him till they stood up. She tried to play it off cooly but her red eyes, wet cheeks and sniffling made it hard.

“Can’t believe you made me sing Uptown Girl.” She huffs slightly.

“Can’t believe you knew the lyrics.” Steve teases then she gets that look in her eyes.

“We can listen to it all the time now. Dustin can you explain it to him.”

Dustin still had his arms around Steve, very tightly. “Dustin, buddy?”

“I need a moment.” The boy gets out as Max and Lucas continued to try to get him off Steve.

“So, I think we have a lot of talking to do.” Robin says, they are walking to their car.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you serious??!”

“Yeah,” it comes out too bitter.

“So what you just going to listen to Uptown Girl for the rest of your life instead of you know talk about what is going on?!”

“If I have to!!” He did not mean to yell and he regrets it when he sees Robin’s face from a shocked face to a sad one.

“We almost lost you, Steve.” She whispers, its too sad that Steve has to look away. Robin is begging him. “Please.” She reaches out for him, he pulls away.

“Steve please.”

[winterstaryu]

Today I listened to Josh Groban music for the first time since my mom died.

I never had a lot in common with my maternal Grandmother, a love of words, procedural dramas, and Josh Groban. One of my earliest memories is getting overwhelmed during a camping trip and seeking refuge in my grandma's camping trailer, curling up on the fold-out bed and playing Josh Groban's Awake album on repeat until I was calm.

When I was 13 my Aunt gifted me her old Ipod shuffle. All I had access to at the time were the songs in my mom's ITunes library. Which consisted of Bon Jovi, the Noah's Ark soundtrack, and 4 different Josh Groban albums.

I've had sleeping problems my whole life. They started when I was about 11, I couldn't fall asleep at night, try as I might. But things changed that year, I had music. I listened to Josh Groban every night before bed, for probably 2 years. I still remember the order of the songs in my old Ipod library. I was almost always asleep by The Prayer.

I was 14 the day I had my first panic attack. I was doing an obstacle course for a church youth activity and I got stuck. The only thing that calmed me down was my trusty Ipod, and listening to the most familiar voice in the world to me, Josh Groban.

After that, my panic attacks got frequent. I would have them daily, sometimes multiple in a day. I was always exhausted, I wanted to die. I would later be diagnosed with the same depression my mom had, the one that made me feel at times that I didn't have a mother at all.

But night and day, I had my music, and no matter what, the familiar sounds never failed to calm me. I would feel like I was back, in that camping trailer, curled up in the sun.

When I was 16, my grandma died. The only ringtone I ever heard her use was a Josh Groban song. After, I would listen to that song and cry and miss her.

My old ipod has long since stopped working, but I still listen, anytime I feel lost or alone I play my favorite songs on repeat. It helps, even when I feel like the whole world is falling down around me.

I'm 17, it is just over a year after my grandma died and my mom is diagnosed with cancer. We caught it early, the prognosis is good, they say. I drive her to chemotherapy twice a week and we listen to Josh Groban in the car.

I'm 18, 6 months after being declared in remission, we are told that my mom's cancer is back. Cells, too small to be detected have spread through her lymph nodes. Words like metastatic float around my head. She has maybe six months to live.

I'm 19 when my mother dies. A global pandemic means almost no one is at the funeral, we sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow by her casket, and the next three months pass in a blur.

Everytime I think about Josh Groban I cry, the music that once felt like it connected three generations of my family now just reminds me that they are gone. I can't bring myself to listen.

I'm 23, and I'm finding joy in music again. I don't dance like I used to, but I understand myself better than I ever have before. I listen to different kinds, music to help me focus, music to help me feel the things I want so badly to repress and ignore.

So now I listen to Josh Groban, and there is sadness along with the safety and comfort, and it's okay. Enjoying the same things differently is a part of life. I am not the same person I used to be, but the music connects us the same way it connected me to my mom, my grandma.

[lesbianmelkor]

THE WHORE SLEEPS BADLY: a playlist for Emilio Sandoz

notes on songs under the cut!! emilio art credit to @ferretteeth

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

this is the road to ruin and we´re starting at the end!!! emilio deserves to have some angsty music and also. this song is about being alone without being alone and being trapped and being loved for the worst things about yourself. i don´t know where i´m going but i dont think i´m coming home!!

2. Be Afraid - Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

this is a song about feeling like g-d is ignoring you and feeling like you´re not living up to your potential and also the lyric "we´ve been testing you and you failed to see how long that you could hold it in before you screamed, but you only exhaled" g-ddddddd.

3. Bite the Hand - Boygenius

another song about emilio´s relationship with g-d. "i can´t love you how you want me to"?? he comes home and he can´t do it anymore!! it´s gone!! he´ll bite the hand that feeds him!!! also. "i can´t hear you, you´re too far away" cause he left g-d behind him on rakhat.

4. Butchered Tongue - Hozier

This is actually a pre-priesthood linguistics song for emilio!! minority culture always having to speak in another language than your own, especially for taino emilio... and then speaking these languages that literally nobody else on the planet speaks!! crazy

5. Colorblind - Counting Crows

literally just listen to this song and tell me this isn´t how emilio feels. "i am covered in skin, no one gets to come in" and then the repetition of "i am ready i am fine"?? im pulling my hair out.

6. Cringe - Matt Maeson

so this is actually the stripped version which makes me crazy in its own right but. "oh i make you cringe now. don´t i make you cringe now?" matt said this song is about leading a lifestyle that the people around you don´t approve of and it just. this one. just trust me.

7. Cry for Judas - the Mountain Goats

you get it. you get it. "mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get." "i´m still here but all is lost". it was ruined!! all was lost!! he thinks he is judas betraying g-d!!! you know what i mean.

8. Floating in the Forth - Frightened Rabbit

so the lead singer of frightened rabbit committed suicide by jumping off a bridge into the firth of forth and he wrote this song about doing that before he did that and it just. just. it´s so important also remember this it comes up three songs later.

9. Graceless - The National

"G-D LOVES EVERYBODY, DON´T REMIND ME". this is a song about being in the world without being fully present and it kills me.

10. Leave My Body - Florence + the Machine

from the first line: "i´m gonna be released from behind these lines, and i don´t care whether i live or die" to the last: "moving up to higher ground, your history keeps pulling me down", this is a song about emilio trying to move forward as everyone keeps forcing him to relive what happened over and over.

11. The Modern Leper - Julien Baker

hey remember when i said remember the frightened rabbit trivia! this is from the cover album they released after their lead singer killed himself and it is sooooooo. this is a song about being fundamentally broken and diseased and the rest of the world ignores it but you know you´re unlovable. "i am ill but im not dead and i don´t know which of those i´d prefer"!!!

12. Never Quite Free - the Mountain Goats

this is a song about knowing that the trauma still hangs over you and you´ll never be able to escape it and it makes me cry. anyway. "it gets okay to praise the day, believe in sheltering skies and stable earth, but hear his breath come through his teeth". emilio is trying so hard to build a better life and sometime it just won´t happen!!

13. Prayer in Open D - Emmylou Harris

again from the first lyric to the last, this is a song about emilio sandoz. "there´s a valley of sorrow in my soul, where every night i hear the thunder roll like the sound of a distant gun over all the damage i have done" and it Gets Worse From There!!

14. Relative Fiction - Julien Baker

"cause i don´t need a savior i need you to take me home"!!! the religious trauma HITS when you´re trying so hard to be good for a g-d you no longer believe in!!!

15. Spent Gladiator 2 - the Mountain Goats

"stay alive. maybe spit some blood at the camera. just stay alive" what if your life and your pain was a spectacle and you dont know how to escape and you don´t even know what escape would look like. anyway.

16. Sun Bleached Flies - Ethel Cain

hey girls. hey girls. did you know g-d loves you but not enough to save you!! anyway religious trauma and having fallen in the eyes of g-d and not being able to fix it and just wanting to be safe and go home. "if it´s meant to be then it will be. i forgive it all as it comes back to me"!!! praying to go back to a home you know you can never return to. i am unwell.

17. Televangelist - Julien Baker

i hear you saying "jordan this is the third julien baker song on here" and all i can say is gay ppl with religious trauma understand emilio sandoz better than anyone else. anyway. "am i a masochist screaming televangelist clutching my crucifix of white noise and static. all my prayers are just apologies." you know what i mean.

18. 24 Frames - Jason Isbell

this is once again a song about g-d abandoning you!! "you thought g-d was an architect now you know he´s something like a pipe bomb ready to blow". it´s soooo good.

in conclusion: i am mentally unwell please appreciate the fruits of my insanity.