#literally scared one of my friends earlier cuz I was finally coming back to myself and got super pissed at a sewing machine

[elprupneerg]

Good news: talked over the triggering thing this morning a little bit

Bad news: immediately two other, different triggering things got brought up in rapid succession right afterwards

[like-a-bag-of-potatoes]

Then and Now - Dear Diary

AN: It's been a while since I’ve written Supernatural, or Dean, but I'm back now with a new Series. Gonna be 10 parts in total with a lot of feels and fluffs. I've been toying with this idea since I started re-watching spn earlier this year (thank you quarantine) and then after reading a series by the amazing @percywinchester27​ I got inspired and started writing. Shout out to my awesome beta @thorne93​, you da bees knees. 

AN2: I'm doing a thing where I raffle off a personalised drabble every month. How do you join? Easy, just hammer that reblog button. Reblog is one entry, reblog with comment is two entries. So you help spread my work and you might get a little sumpthin’ in return. Win Win

Pairing: AUDean x Reader

Warnings: Some grade A second hand embarrassment (it gets a bit awkward, yo!) There's some talk about sex in this. Italics are entries from her diary. 

Wordcount: 2070

CATCH UP HERE

Summary: It's 2010 and you’re back in Lawrence to settle your family’s affairs after your mom passed. You hope to be in and out of town before anyone really knows you’re there, but that doesn't go as plan. Will a certain green eyed mechanic convince you to come back to the life you once had in Lawrence? Or are you going to return to the real world as soon everything is settled. 

Three weeks had passed since that night by the lake, and the farm was back in pristine condition. You had worked tirelessly, day in and day out, with some help from your friends of course. It had been so great to reconnect with them all. Honestly, you were the happiest that you had been in a while. There still was a dull ache in your heart though, one that seemed to strengthen every time you were with Dean. It was hard to be around him, to be his friend when you knew that was all it was ever going to be. And now that there was nothing left to keep your days occupied, that old restless feeling had settled in your bones again. 

This life wasn't meant for you. Not on this farm. Not Dean. Not even your friends. It was an unachievable dream, just out of reach, and it was slowly driving you insane. Hope had ignited in you that night by the lake, maybe, just maybe there was a chance for you and Dean, but nothing had happened since then to tell you that that was the case. So now you were convinced you had put more meaning in his words than was really there. 

Some days you would stop by the pet shop and say hi to Red, which now was something you looked forward to. Donna told you that he had been a lot happier since you started visiting him, and at times he was a real chatterbox now. You would let him on your shoulder and walk around the store while you talked softly to him, treating him some sunflower seeds here and there. Red greeted you with a high pitched hello every time you walked through the doors, and when you left, he would reach his little foot out as if he was trying to stop you from leaving. At times you wondered if he would make a good travel companion. If he could come with you in your truck as you drove around the country, but those thoughts were quickly pushed aside. 

It was another beautiful Saturday morning, music was blasting from your old boombox as you cleared out your closet. It was an old mixed CD that Dean had given you way back when, filled with Metallica, Zeppelin, Skynyrd, and everything else Dean listened to. REO Speedwagon played in the background as you found the stacks of old diaries in the far right corner, hidden under some other junk. A smile played on your lips as you pulled them out, five of them in total, all with different covers around them. 

“This is bound to be awkward,” you mumbled to yourself as you picked them all up and carried them with you down stairs. 

After filling your cup with coffee, you brought it all with you to the front porch to start what would most definitely be an embarrassing trip down memory lane. 

June 1st 1995

Dear diary. 

I had a huge fight with Jo today. We were gonna hang out after my guitar lesson and she just kept houding me to play… IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. I asked her nicely to back off, but she wouldn't leave it alone. Then she said I was just scared of embarrassing myself in front of Dean and I was sooooooo mad at her. Like… I swore her to secrecy when I told her about my crush on him and now… God… I don't think I can ever face him again. 

She's such a BITCH sometimes. 

The word ‘bitch’ was spelled out in big red letters, and you couldn't help but chuckle at your fifteen year old self. Gone were the days when your troubles were this innocent. 

There was no entry for a couple of days, just some doodles of Dean's name over and  over again. 

June 5th 1995

So I made up with Jo. She apologized which I know is, like, super hard for her to do, so we’re good again. She told me Dean has been acting really strange the last few days. Been all quiet and stuff. She said that Benny told her that Cas had told him that Dean asked Cas if he thought I had a crush on him. 

Jo thinks Dean has a crush on me too, but I don't think so. The last girlfriend he had was Lisa Braeden and she's so beautiful. No way I can compete with that. I just need to get over these stupid feelings so things can go back to normal. 

You skimmed through a few more entries, stuff about tests at school and plans for the summer holiday, then some thoughts and ideas for your birthday. It was all very tame. 

But then… 

June 14th 1995

HE KISSED ME!!!! I can't believe Dean actually kissed me… and on my birthday. It was so perfect, and his lips were so soft. It was better than I could ever have imagined. I'm so happy right now I could just scream. He asked me if I would go with him to the lake tomorrow and I literally can't wait. I can't even stop smiling. 

It was the perfect first kiss with the perfect guy. 

Then there was a drawn heart with Dean’s name in it. Without realizing it, your fingers ghosted over your lips as you recalled the kiss. It was a bit frustrating that you hadn't written it down in more detail, but the butterflies that coursed through you told you that you remembered it just fine. 

Time didn't really register as you sat and flipped through the pages of your diaries, so when Dean pulled up, you didn't know how long you had sat there. The coffee had long been forgotten and was now too cold to drink. 

“What's all this?” Dean asked as he plumped down in the empty chair. 

“My old diaries,” you said with a smile. “I found them earlier in my closet. It's so awkward, but I just can't stop reading,” you explained with a chuckle. It was hard to ignore the uproar of butterflies in your stomach at the sight of Dean, but you did your best to push it aside. 

“Lay it on me,” he gently ordered with that cheeky grin of his. 

“You want me to read you my diary?” You asked in bewilderment. 

“Yes!” he exclaimed, laughing. 

“Brace yourself for some grade A second hand embarrassment, Winchester,” you warned and he made a point of getting comfortable in his seat. You opened the book on a random page and started reading. “June 21, 1995. It's been a week since Dean and I kissed for the first time, and I still can't believe he asked me to be his girlfriend. Like, for real-” Dean chuckled and you chanced a look up at him, but he urged you to continue. “I mean, I have never been anyone's girlfriend before so I'm not really good at it I think. Like, can I just hold his hand whenever I want now? Or kiss him? ‘Cuz I want to do that all the time. I just don't want him to feel like I'm too clingy or something like that.” Your cheeks burned with embarrassment. 

Dean just chuckled. “Why didn't you tell me?” 

“About my insecurities?-” he nodded -”I didn't want you to think I was a dweeb,” you said as if it was the most obvious thing. 

“That ship sailed long before that,” he said, erupting into laughter when you stuck your tongue out at him. “If it makes you feel any better, I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you all the time too,” he said in an exaggerated sweet tone. 

“Ha! Wish I knew that back then,” you mused. 

“Go on,” he said eagerly, pointing to the book in your hand. 

With a deep sigh, you opened to another random page. “August 7th, 1995. Dean took me to the lake today to watch the sunset. It was beautiful. We talked about ‘doing it’.” As you read the words out loud you giggled and hid your face behind the book. “Oh my god, Dean… It's so awful,” you whined behind the book. 

Dean found your embarrassment adorable, especially the smile that followed it, and the laughter. Your nose always scrunched up when you were embarrassed and it was nice to see that hadn't changed. “Go on,” he urged. “I wanna know if we ‘did it’.” Although he knew perfectly well that you didn't, not that night. 

“Really?” you asked, peeking up over the book. 

“Hell yeah. I'm invested in this now, don't leave me hanging.” 

“I told Dean I was scared because I hadn't done it before. He said he hadn't either. I was so sure he had done it with Lisa, but apparently that was just a rumor. I want to do it with him, though. I can't think of a better person to lose my ‘V’ card to. He said he would wait for as long as I wanted.” Even as awful as this was, it was very sweet in its innocence. 

“I remember that night,” he said, smiling. It wasn't that cheeky grin from a couple of seconds ago, though, it was the smile one had when recalling a fond memory. “It was a really great night.” 

“It was,” you agreed. It was nice to share this with him, even though it was embarrassing, it was a story that the two of you shared, and it was nice to have this reminder of how good things once were for you. You flipped the pages once more, now looking for a specific entry. “August 12th 1995. Dean and I finally did it. It was at the lake in the bed of my truck, but it was as perfect as could be. He was so gentle with me, and patient. It hurt a lot at first, but Dean went really slow and it got better. There was a little blood afterwards and I was super embarrassed, but he didn't care. I’m so glad Dean was my first, because I don't think anyone else would make me feel so safe. Dean always makes me feel safe.” The words trailed off and you looked up at Dean, the air suddenly thick around you. 

He cleared his throat before he spoke. “Well, there you have it.” 

“Sorry. I didn't know it would turn so… real,” you said quietly, closing the book and placing it on the table. 

“No - it's not - don't.... A lifetime ago, right?” 

“Right,” you agreed. Clearing your throat, you got to your feet and rubbed your clammy hands on your jeans. “Want a beer?” Now, you were eager to change the subject to just about anything else.

Dean looked up at you with apprehension as he accepted the bottle from you. He didn't know how much longer he could hold back his feelings. It was a decision made with his brain rather than his heart, to wait until he was sure you weren't gonna leave again. Every day was a new challenge, and he had to convince himself all over again that this was for the best, even though he desperately wanted you back in his arms. It was so clear to him now, why no relationship he’d had worked out, because no matter who they were or how happy they made him, they were never you. No one could take your place in his heart, not ever. “You know-” he cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, looking anywhere but right at you -”that night meant a lot to me too. And not just because I got laid for the first time,” he said with a chuckle. Typical Dean to add some joke into a serious conversation. “But because it was you.” 

The truth he spoke was clear in his emerald orbs and it damn near melted your heart. “I guess it was pretty great. Especially for two teenagers who were too immature to say the word ‘sex’ out loud,” you mused, a crooked smile on your lips. 

“You know what I think we should do?” Dean asked after a moment of silence. 

“What?” 

“We should grab some beers and head up to the lake to watch the sunset. Bring some blankets and stuff like we used to do, you know?” 

“I would like that very much,” you said earnestly. 

T&N Tags: @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan​ @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​ @capandbuckylvr​ @superapplepie​ @sandlee44​ @eliwinchester99​ @sunflowers-n-rocknroll​

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AllThingsTags: @campingmonkey​

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[offtopicoverload]

Howdy there!! Who are the li’s you fancy the most from LITG??

hi! thanks for the ask!

i honestly dunno who’s my top answer, cuz they’re all interesting in their own way

I’m only going to talk about female LIs cuz the only male routes I’ve finished are Bobby and Jake, and I tapped through most of Jake and only ended with Bobby on my first run cuz I never unlocked Marisol, so I’m not the best source lol

Talia:

She’s just so chill but has no problem standing up for MC, she has her back no matter what

Which, like, what a queen

She’s the original and only one of 4 LIs, which maybe it’s just me, but for a game based on an incredibly heteronormative reality show, allowing representation for queer audiences from launch is such a big deal and so cool to me, so Talia’s kind of special in my mind

She was also my first LI so nostalgia points

And she’s such an easy LI, not much drama on her route outside of Lucy, just her having MC’s back as the boys make themselves look like idiots

And she has so much potential, like I know some people think her only personality trait is fancying MC, which I mean, is a little fair, but there’s so many opportunities for her in fics and headcanons to develop the good amount of information we got on her in 13 days

I absolutely love how self-aware and confident she is

She just went for what she wanted, struggled a bit with commitment at first, because who wouldn’t, but after that it was smooth sailing

Like obviously what she said in the Beach Hut at the beginning of the season wasn’t great for MC, but she knew exactly what she wanted out of her time on the show

She was confident in herself and her sexuality so much so that she was just down to have a fling with a girl and not worry about how it would effect the show

And then she *coupled up* with that same girl, not even giving a shit about the rules or anything

A queen

Allegra:

I know she’s not an official LI, but her arc is what got me into writing so she gets a million points for that

I love what could have been done with her progression if she was given an actual route, I’m a sucker for some good enemies to lovers, but alas, she’s canonically a bad bitch with a lot of internalised homophobia yet enough confidence to ask MC out

I still love her

Marisol:

I know so many people hate her, and I get it, but I do really like her growth

Maybe it’s cuz I’m pretty analytical too, but her analyses never bothered me or anything, and now that I’ve played her route so many times, it’s pretty obvious that that’s a defense mechanism, and I understand that

She very much so has a “figure their weaknesses out before they have a chance to figure mine out” attitude, and I’m 99% positive it’s because of the ex that Elisa reminded her of

So not only has she been burned in the past, I’m willing to bet it was by the only woman she’s been in a serious relationship with

I really have no problem with her commitment issues, it’s understandable, and I can really empathise with her fear of coming out, it’s absolutely terrifying even if you’ve accepted it and bought a flag, saying the words can be really difficult

My biggest issue is her entitlement and immaturity, I guess?

Like her using Graham to make MC jealous just feels like an excuse to crack on with him and still have MC available for when she’s ready

I understand her being scared to couple up, but playing games to distract herself just made things with MC worse

And unless youre on her route, and sometimes even when you are, it’s clear to me that she expects things and has no problem saying what they are, but going after them is a problem?

Like her going after Lurik even though they don’t have a connection, or Gary even when he’s with Hannah

But then it never works and she gets sad and I melt because I’m weak

ALSO, can I just say how awful it is that Lucas and Henrik don’t pick her unless they have to???

Like cmon she deserves MC after that

And when they finally couple up? And she’s all soft? The GROWTH ohmygod

Anyway I love who Marisol became, maybe not everything she started out as, but definitely the person she ended the season as, more confident and self assured and willing to be vulnerable

It’s precious

Elisa:

I still haven’t done an Elisa route

I tried to a couple months ago, but dumping Marisol felt so cruel, what the hell was Fusebox thinking with that?? 

I do really like that they learned from their mistake though, even if they went in the opposite direction

From what I’ve seen of Elisa, she can be pretty sweet, I’ve seen her described as a Lucas-Bobby hybrid, and while that’s not the most interesting personality to me, I will say that she’s a really cool character that FB messed up on

Why did they make her a straight up villain???

And why ONLY her???

None of the other female LIs have been villains or had such a complete 180

Like her going from shouting at Chelsea, who is literally meant to be MC’s ride or die and the person outside of your LI that youre supposed to want to defend and avenge, to “i cant even sleep because im pining so hard”

I know the treatment of black women has been discussed before, specifically in regards to Hope and Erikah, and it is by no means my place to speak on it, but I definitely think something’s going on with Elisa

Anywayyyy, I love her archetype

The celebrity and influencer has so much potential, to the point that I wrote a one shot without even knowing her lmao 

And she’s so confident in a way that’s so different from Marisol

She doesn’t even care if MC’s happily coupled up, she WILL get in her pants and I respect that

In conclusion, Fusebox did her dirty and I’m probably going to try and retcon some canon for her in the future

Lottie:

Ohmygod

Lottie

A goth babe

Lottie

Yeah, anyway, so I love her

Her growth is just unbeatable in my opinion

Yeah, she still has her flaws by the end of the season, but she went from ready to rip everyone’s throat out to biting her tongue around Hannah

And her and MC???

And the development between them??? 

Ugh

No matter what way you swing it, you’ve either got best friends to lovers or enemies to lovers and I adore both

And her aesthetic is one of my favourites, I’m alt myself and having a character like that is just so cool

My Runaways MC is a ball of sunshine with some hidden darkness specifically because Lottie’s such a dark cloud but can start shining with the right person, and that’s my absolute favourite trope

But man were the wedding episodes a cop out

Why couldn’t they give her the Noah treatment? Or the single treatment? Where they just get together after the show? Same with Hannah, why are they giving such an intense confession after who knows how long of literally nothing, like no communication even????

Don’t get me wrong, I kinda simultaneously love it for the angst and yearning, but it just… makes no sense?

So yeah, amazing bat lady that I seriously vibe with and wish my MC could have wifed up

Hannah:

I know this is a little controversial buuuut

I fucking love Hannah

But only OGHannah, Returning Hannah was butchered and I will never let that go

And it was such a toxic message too, that she needed to change herself and her appearance just to get a guy to like her?

Fuck that, Original Hannah was amazing and perfect exactly as she was

I love her trope, too, the naivety and how obvious and clear it was that she’s still learning about the world and relationships, to the point that it’s going to get her in trouble

And her obsession with fairy tales? 

Fucking adorable ohmygod

I started a fic a while ago that I think I’m gonna scrap, that just indulged in the fairy tale metaphors and stuff because I just love how cute it is lmao

If she wasn’t dumped, I think she could have had amazing growth alongside Lottie, and their friendship/kinda, probably, most-definitely-if-MC’s-not-there-more-than-a-friendship growing together would have been so good

In an alternate reality Hope was dumped instead, and that helps me sleep at night

I firmly stand by the fact that Noah should have been the deciding factor between Hope and Hannah/MC, where Lottie said something that screwed with his head earlier in the day to make sure her friends were safe

Noah should have saved Hannah/MC and Hope should have returned with Rocco, hellbent on revenge and proving herself

That would have been so good for Noah stans and such good drama, that actually made perfect sense

Hope was fully expecting that she’d get picked by Noah because they’d spent three days attached at the hip and then to just… not have that happen. It would have driven her insane and if there was then a scene with MC where she just like, gives up

Like she’s spent the past two days grafting Noah but he won’t make up his mind and she’s just done and MC can comfort her or fight with her and you just get to humanize her make her vulnerable and hurting and I fucking WISH they did something like that, even for RHannah

And Hannah’s growth in the Villa would have been so amazing

I think her idea of a perfect guy is definitely too much, and I’m not advocating that she settles by any means, just that she could have learned that there are things more important than money

That conversation on day 1 where you choose between money, kindness, and intelligence still baffles me

Like why are you a gold digger Hannah?!?!

Why don’t you just want a Prince/ss Charming???

Her and Hope should have swapped and I don’t understand why they weren’t

I mean, I do really like Hope, but Hannah’s just so cute and has so much to learn and her struggling in the Villa just to have a lightbulb moment with MC would have been precious and now I want to write it dammit

Anyway, Hannah is adorable and had so much potential and she never should have returned if they were just going to scrap everything that made her Hannah, except for snooty literature

I wanna listen to her rattle on about Belle and Mulan and every other Disney Princess and what they meant for representation and progress in media and then compare them to their original stories like a dweeb and I would have melted on the spot

Like yes, please tell me more about how gruesome Cinderella is

She should have shown up at the finale and hugged MC and been innocent and sweet so I could have just lost my shit for like a half hour

But stan OGHannah, burn RHannah

AJ:

Adorable, precious, denied an arc outside of coming out

I am not exaggerating when I say that I cried at 4:30 in the morning at her blushing face when playing the first two days

It’s just so fucking cute and I’m a sap and I don’t know why it made me cry, but it did okay?!

And her coming out was such good representation!!! By far the best thing in Boat Party, and I’m so proud of the progress FB’s made in queer representation at the very least

I know she’s pretty one dimensional, but most of S3 is unfortunately

Her being available right off the bat was also such a win, I’m positive it’s the reason she had so many stans

If her and Yasmin had switched or her and Lily, they would have been the ones that were dominating Reddit polls and stuff

And I know she’s written as masc but I just can’t really see it? Like I can’t see her in a dress, but outside of a few clothing items, I guess I just can’t see it? Maybe androgynous is more the word for my image of her, like definitely a mix

She’ll wear a skirt under the right circumstances, but never a dress, a crop top with a flannel, her prom outfit that’s like a frilly jumpsuit, stuff like that? idk im not a lesbian

Her route for me was so glitchy, but I know that if MC’s stolen from her by Yasmin, Tai, or Ciaran, she has some really cute scenes and I wish I could have seen them

And I know some people were ragging on her for the eyelash at the end of the scene but I thought that was just a perfect callback - maybe it’s the writer in me

Basically, AJ’s adorable and why did Ciaran have to split her and MC up, not cool dude

Yasmin:

I forgot I was doing a Yasmin route a while ago, but from what I’ve seen and played, she’s really sweet 

I hate that she’s almost nonexistent outside of her route

Give us a mysterious musician friend, you cowards!

I saw that she sings to MC on the final date and damn is that cute

Her eyeshadow kinda throws me off, but her stuffed animal makes up for it

And I’m salty that Yasmin the Lamb disappeared too, that was such a nice detail that made me start a Yasmin route

She’s distant and self-assured, but has a soft, gooey, nostalgic center and I wish we saw more of that, even if we weren’t on her route

My final thoughts on Yasmin: An artsy indie icon that I really need to stop getting distracted from and finish her route

Lily:

Again, don’t know much about her, but she seems really cool

Her shaving her head between the finale and Boat Party is such a flex and I wish she did it right before Boat Party so we could see her in all her bald glory

She’s into cars, right? And… architecture?

Idk, I barely remember my own name, let alone a 10 minute date from months ago

But I’ll definitely get around to doing her route at some point, maybe just to write for her, we’ll see

Elladine:

I know she’s not an LI, but MC so should have been able to run away with her

I missed that option in S3

I kinda get why they didn’t do that, but Boat Party’s just so messy in general

And I would include Genevieve here, but she’s so cute with Seb that I’d feel bad splitting them up

But Elladine had actual problems with Nicky!!!

Why did they mention it for it to never pay off??

And I’m so mad that the hype around her died when it was revealed she wasn’t an LI or the badass of the season, because I still adore how sweet she is

I also want to brag that before we got a name I was calling her Emma and that’s just on example of my almost psychic-ness

But yeah I wanted Ell to be a run away option and I’m salty that she wasn’t

Know what, fuck it, Viv too, she’s smart and cool as hell, let us love these awesome women FB, you cowards!!!

I have no idea who would be my number 1 based on canon, but if we’re talking hypotheticals, I think my answer, as strange as it is, is Hannah.

I just love what she could have been, but by no means what she is. 

It’s so awkward to know her for three days, not see her for three weeks, then spend a couple more days with, a couple weeks at most, just for her to write a whole ass book about MC?? And tell her about it with that hair????

No thanks, I’ll stick with closeted sapphic horse girl nerd Hannah because I guess that’s somehow my type??? Oh god what the fuck I swear I’m not a total weirdo

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #385

“I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things”

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) Uhhhh. I don't know. Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yes. What’s your favorite movie series? I think Shrek when you consider all the movies' (well, I haven't seen the last one, but...) quality. No memeage here, I just genuinely love Shrek, haha. I would say The Lion King, but miraculously when you consider the focus on meerkats, I actually don't like 1 1/2 much. What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? Hm... I think I got purple highlights? Do you want to move anytime soon? Even though we haven't even lived here a year, yes. I don't like living in an urban area, and I also reeeeaaaally don't like our family friend being our landlord. I know that sounds very weird, but she's just a very controlling person who forcefully inserts herself into my family's lives now more than ever, and I have a pretty deep fear that a potential argument finally erupting will lead to us being kicked out. I genuinely don't think Tobey would ever do that, but the fear is still there. How good/bad was the quality of education you received in high school? Average, I guess? What was the most interesting year of your life, and why? "Interesting," maybe... 2017 or 2018? I learned a lot about myself in that time range. But at the same time, my life was (and still is) VERY uneventful. Just a lot of mental stuff went on. What was the first social media site you ever used? Myspace. Do you have any exes you really regret dating? REALLY regret? No. I wish I'd never dated Tyler, but it's not a massive regret or anything. He was still a cool guy that I have a few nice memories with. Have you ever lied on a resume? Or even in a job interview? Ha, I'd definitely stretch the truth about being more of a people-person than I am. I couldn't go too far with lying, though; I'm just not comfortable doing that, 'cuz like, they're gonna find out eventually that it's not true. Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Maybe my friend Summer. Her room has always been super cool. What brought about the end of the worst relationship you’ve been in? Apparently, not talking to him every second of every day two weeks into a relationship was a no-no. Where was the last place you spent the night other than your own home? The sleep study building or whatever it's considered in the medical plaza. Do you have any step- or half-siblings? I have both. What do people always seem to think is weird about you? The fact I don't watch TV. Do you ever braid your hair? It's way too short for that. Even when it was long, I didn't do it frequently at all. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? Roman, in particular. What was the last thing you gave up on? uhhhhhhhhhhh If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? I don't. What’s the last DIY project you did, if any? If you can’t remember, what’s something you’d be interested in doing? I'm not really into DIY stuff, honestly. I'd rather just buy products that were made better than I could, or commission someone who can. What's a song that makes you feel happy? I dunno. It's rare a song alone makes me happy. What is your favorite clothing store? Rebel's Market. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it was a more social platform. What is something you do well? Catastrophize any situation. Assume the worst of everything. What's a good idea you've had recently? Probably to re-engage with a calorie-counting app I used to use. I'm back to trying to use it consistently. Do you like to wear high heels? Does ANY person LIKE to? How many slices of pizza do you usually eat? Two or three depending on my appetite and the size of the pizza. Do you play any instruments? Not anymore. Do you always smile for pictures? Not always. What are you most excited about right now? To see the results of my TMS therapy. What's the last song you listened to? "Ex’s and Oh’s” by Elle King. What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching an Erosium livestream rn. Newest channel binge, haha. Do you know anyone who's died in childbirth? No. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career? No. I don't want to leave my family. Do you wear foundation? No, I hate the feeling of that crap. Do you know anyone who has run for public office? No. Do you have a cartilage piercing? I used to, but the hole closed when I had to take it out for the hospital. :/ I plan on getting it repierced. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room or urgent care? If so, why? Yes; for being suicidal, a suicide attempt, and when I had a horribly infected cyst and just existing made me want to sob with pain. Have you ever had to visit anyone in the hospital? Yeah, a few times. What is the most pain (physical, mental, emotional) you've ever felt? Physical: having the aforementioned cyst drained when I was not nearly numbed enough. Mental and emotional (what's really the difference?): my breakup with my first real boyfriend. What is the longest time you've spent crying? Oh, hours on end, fluctuating with intensity. Have you ever been stolen from? Yes. Have you ever been to a ghost town? No, but I would FUCKING LOVE to. Let me bring my camera and it's a field day. Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? Not in this current house. Have you ever been inside of a vacant house? No. Have you ever been attacked by a dog? No. What is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? The massive cyst my late dog Teddy developed on his lower belly. That fucking thing hung on by a THREAD and was absolutely nauseating to look at. How old were you when you learned how to read? I don't recall, I just know it was earlier than most children. Do you prefer cats or dogs? Cats. Which book series was the first you read? I want to say Hank the Cowdog. I was hooked on it. Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? Haha, what a question, as I've considered both of these as potential careers. I think write a book. What dream that you’ve had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: A nightmare about my dad that I'm not going into. What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others? I'm very uncomfortable revealing jealousy or envy. How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? Extremely. What is the most fun game to play? Shadow of the Colossus, probably. What is your sense of humor like (dry, dark, sarcastic, etc.)? I don't know, maybe dry. How many languages can you say "hello my name is…" in? Two. What language do you think sounds the nicest? I don't know, it's not like I've heard every language be spoken. What language do you want to learn more of? German. Do you have any form of OCD? I'm diagnosed with OCD. Do you make promises often? No. I take promises VERY seriously and am not about to make one unless I'm certain I can keep it. What is it that you are responsible for? My pets, keeping my room clean, stuff like that. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not "a lot," no. Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? Verbally. I'm only physically aggressive in my nightmares. What warning has someone given you that you wish you’d have listened to? Hm. What warning has someone given you you are glad you didn’t take? I also don't know. What is your favourite video of on YouTube? I can't pick just one. Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? Maggots. Just the word makes me squirm. What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? My signature. Have you ever watched Breaking Bad? No. Are your fingernails always painted? They never are. What color is your bed frame? A rich brown. Did any of your neighbors come over to welcome you when you moved into your current house? No. What's something you didn't realize how bad it was until it happened to you? Heartbreak. Do you like Taylor Swift's singing voice? No. It's squeaky and annoying to me. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Why the fuck would it bother me? Let people be in touch with their emotions. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Ummm I want to say Starbuck's w/ Mom after my TMS appointment. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural "things?" No. Does your house have any unoccupied bedrooms? Yes. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and she personally suspects something's up with Dad, but idk. He's never seen a doctor about that kinda stuff. What fun things are there to do where you live? Ha! Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? I know many like that. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? My parents owned it. Can you see the stars at night where you live? I actually haven't paid attention at this house. I'm certain it'd be harder now living in an urban area, though. What job do you know you'd be terrible at? Like, everything? I'd probably be worst at promoting stuff to people and trying to push them into buying something. No being a salesperson for me. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Who doesn't? And now, for the greatest question of all time! Toilet paper- should it go over or under? I literally couldn't care less about this. Fun fact though to "end" the argument, the original concept art of the idea (the word for that is evading me...) has it designed to go over. Are you afraid of mice? Not at all, they're adorable. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I don't have a specific "type" of thing I get, really. It depends. Do you vacation often? Not at all. Are you comfortable wearing your pajamas in public places? It depends on the place, really. Generally, I really don't care, so long as I put a bra on. What’s your favorite candy bar? That one that's a bunch of Reese's squares composed into a rectangle. It. Is so. Fucking. Good. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Do you own a helmet of any sorts? No. Does your family generally decorate for most holidays? Just for Christmas, really. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I'm not a soup person. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? I saw one or two episodes with Sara. If so, what do you think is the scariest creature yet? N/A Do you read tour guide type books before you visit places? No.

[thecurseoflife]

CHAPTER 16 - Once upon a time, there was Saporia

On their way back to prison, Camalia was ecstatic. She kept jumping everywhere, spinning, dancing, sometime just stopping in her track to enjoy the moment.

Her mind was free from that dark pressure it had been under all those years. She felt finally completely in control, liberated from that thing that had restrained her for so long. She could run, jump, feel the wind in her hair, the grass uner her feet, everything was... brighter. Like an invisible curtain had been lifted.

Behind her, walking at a much more reasonable speed, Varian and Captain were distractly watching her, deep in thoughts. They both realized something during that terrifying episode.

For Captain, it was to fully understand how wrong he had been, and how dismissive of the girl's pain. He felt a big shard of guilt in his heart. He hated how close to death she- they had to be for him to embrace the danger the snakes, her curse, actually was. Cap' was conflicted, and all of his beliefs were shook to the core. He didn't like that.

For Varian, if it was close to Cap's realization, it wasn't the same. He wrapped his mind around what Camalia had been trying to tell him all this time. That she wasn't completely in control of her choices, of anything she had ever done. But he couldn't help but to feel hurt. No matter the girl's excuses, or what happened, or how hurt she was, he had been hurt too. And he shouldn't... No, he couldn't close his eyes on his own pain in order to help her feel better. He had to listen to himself, take care, take more care than he used to. So, he wasn't going to be this... agressive, violent person he had been impersonating for a year, whenever he felt hurt. But it didn't mean he had to forgive her, close his eyes on his own wounds.

And he was damn right, people. You see all the aspects of Camalia, and you know that she doesn't mean anything bad, but she still hurt people in the process. If someone, as nice and good as they might be, hurt you, don't close your eyes. Don't brush it off like something minor. Take care of yourself, 'cuz no one is going to do it for you. You don't have to hurt the person back, actually please don't hurt the person back, but . I know you guys are probably internally being aggressive toward Varian whenever he prioritized himself over Camalia, and told her to stop. I want to set this right and explain once and for all this is no one's fault. It's not Camalia's, and it's not Varian's. But this far, their relationship has been mainly portrayed as toxic, even if there was a few nice moments between them. It's just people, in the wrong situation, at the wrong time. They need time to actually build up a healthy, good friendship, and at their current state, it couldn't be rushed, it couldn't be suddenly besties. Of course they immediatly held to each other, like their lives depended on it, but it doesn't mean it was good.

Life doesn't have bad and good people. Nothing is white and nothing is black. Everything is grey. Sometime lighter, sometime darker, but always grey.

Camalia stopped in her track and yelped. Varian and Cap' immediatly snapped their neck back up, a drop of sweat running down their spines. They looked around, throat tight, expecting to see a giant snake emerge from the bushes and attack them. But the girl, unaware of their fear, ran straight forward, to the horse that fled the scene earlier.

Scared of that hyperactive human rushing at him, the horse back down a little. But the mage slowed down before reaching him and pulled out her guitare, hastily playing the melody of heal, effectively calming down the horse and easing his pain coming from all the tiny wounds he had all over.

Once they got the horse back up and running (literally), it was much easier and faster to go back to the kingdom... and to jail.

Of course, after what he saw, and maybe also to ease his guilt a bit, Captain decided to put them into a cell together, refusing to leave either of them alone.

-Look, he explained to Varian when he started complaining, I'm a grown man, a captain of the royal guards, I have fought and seen many things, but those things ? They terrified me, and for the first time in my life, I realized I had no chance in a battle against them. I only saw them twice, and they're going to haunt my nightmares. Now, imagine you, an already broken, misguided kid, and her, that had to endure this for 10 years, alone in cells at night, the shadows waving, making you believe the curse and the snakes are back. What now, hm ?

Varian closed his mouth and didn't open it again.

And here they were, the mage, the alchemist, and the elephant in the room.

Varian wanted to talk about the Saporians, and the plan, but he feared he would be left alone. Even if he didn't forgive her, he still wished for her support. Camalia wanted to talk about her behavior and the brutal way she handled the situation back in Old Corona, but she feared that it would only make him upset.

So they sat awkwardly on their respectives couches, sparing a quick glance at the other from time to time. Varian felt incredibly alone, and the disapperance of Ruddiger left an empty, dark and cold spot next to him and in his heart. The girl catched the sad look on her friend's (yes, for her they were friends whatever he said) face.

-I'm sure he's okay.

The alchemist sighed and hugged his legs.

-How can you be ?

-Well, I know for a fact that Witheria wouldn't kill anyone or anything out of rage. So he's safe from her. I also know that despite Decaiera's tendencies to torture and slowly murder her victims, she has a soft spot for everything that isn't human. Even if they were angry, I'm sure Ruddiger is fine.

Varian didn't answer, but held on her word with all the despair he felt in his heart and soul. He hesitated, shifted a bit, bit his lips, shifted again, turned to Camalia and put his legs down, hesitated, opened his mouth...

A loud noise under the cell made them both jump. They looked into the well, a bit nervous, but overall curious.

-Once you kids are done whining on that rodent, maybe we could start making the plan.

Varian's eyes widened, while Camalia huffed in shock and annoyance. She didn't know who that man was, but she already knew she didn't like him. But her friend didn't seem bothered by this thug rude manners. He bowed more, trying to decipher the darkness of the cell under them.

-Andrew ?

-Hello, jailmate. How have you been with the cursed girl ?

Varian stood up, blinked once, then twice, and a huge grin spread across his face.

-Heh ! This is great ! It will be so much easier to work on the plan like this ! Right, Camal-

His smile abruptly disappeared as he remembered the cause of their argument back in Old Corona. She wouldn't help him. She didn't agree. She was an obstacle, an ennemy. Unaware of the thoughts crossing the alchemist's brain, Camalia sighed and got up as well.

-Look, Varian. I know the way I acted back in your house was... very violent and... not... What I mean is I shouldn't have done what I did, and I'm really, really sorry about what happened. However... I don't really have any good reason to not help you anymore. I mean, the curse is gone, I don't really WANT to stay in jail for the rest of my life. Plus, you're my friend, and I think... I think friends should support eachother, so I want to help !

She looked more confident than she felt. She was inconfortable with Varian's plan, and didn't really want to participate in that, but maybe it was for the better... He did have more experience of the outside world than her, he knew what he was doing. Right ?

The boy felt guilty. Not to make the girl his accomplice, but to have made the assumption that she was an ennemy, and making a... plan to sort that out. She already helped him so many time, even if she did screw things up, but he was sure that even if she decided to not aid him, she wouldn't have confessed everything to Cap. He just knew that.

Varian hesitated, then looked down the well. He needed a second opinion.

-What do you think, Andrew ?

-I think that we already have a mage.

Camalia squatted down, and when she spoke her voice was cold and harsh.

-I am not just a mage. I am a music mage. Your people slaughtered mine because you were scared of our power. I am not some wand wielding, trick making maniac. I make actual magic, don't compare our art with your pathetic replica.

The alchemist looked at his accomplice in disbelief, surprised that the sweet Camalia would speak like that, then brushed it off. An offended scoff was heard beneath them, then the cells felt silent for a minute. Andrew's voice finally rose.

-It's your friend, kid. If she joins us, you will be responsible of her.

Varian winced. The music mage was way too impredictable to assume responsability for her. For all he knows, maybe tomorrow she would have burned the kingdom to the ground. Who knows ?! Not him. Maybe he had to consider not-

-I can be responsible for myself. I don't need a babysitter, I just got rid of two. You want me in, or out. No inbetween. And why do you want the downfall of Corona so bad ?! I've read nothing about it.

When words rose again, it wasn't Andrew's voice. It was sharp, broken-like, but definitely a woman voice. Camalia concluded there were at least two people under them, probably more.

-Once upon a time, there was Saporia. It was a thriving kingdom, strong and happy. We had our own culture, our own food, legends and magic. We had a festival, each year, that took place in the middle of winter, and it seemed to have been really important to us. But we, the separatists of Saporia, the descendants of those people, we can't remember why. We can't remember what happened at that festival, what people did there, why it was OUR festival.

-Why ?

Another voice took over. It was deeper, a male voice, probably strong judging by the tone. It was different, yet it ringed in the same soft, sad, low pitch.

-One night, in the middle of summer, Corona attacked. That wasn't really important in itself. Saporia was used to attacks of their sworn ennemy. We prepared ourselves for battle, again. None of the proud Saporians would admit it, but they were tired of that war. Tired of fighting, of being half-awake every hour of the night and day. We wished for peace, but were scared of how it would come.

Silence fell again in the prison. Through the tiny windows, the sun was going down, making the shadows longer and the lights warmer. The animosity that was piercing in Camalia's heart was gone, and both her and Varian had sat down around the well, religiously listenning. The music mage heart was drumming in her chest, and she could feel the tightness of her throat. Their story felt familiar. It hit home.

Like they were hesitating, the minute of silence became two, then three. When the story continued it was a woman, pretty young, that told it.

-That night, our queen told the soldiers to stand down. At first, no one understood why. Then, we realized we weren't getting attacked. The coronan army was there to escort someone to us. The king. That night, the war ended, and everyone was happy. Absolutely everyone. We were all thrilled, coronans like saporians ! There was a huge party in Saporia that night, were kingdoms and borders didn't matter. The problem is, they never did anymore.

Another voice took over, with quite a strange pitch, much higher than expected, but definitely male. Still holding that sad tone with every word.

-Not long after that, our queen and your king got married. It was a time of celebration and happiness. We didn't understand at first why it was not right to have taken the borders down. We were simply relieved to be at peace. Then, it started. It was small at first. We took in Corona's festivals and parties, then we moved closer to them, leaving behind our ancestral temples, then we stopped making our food, and made Corona's. At that point, people were noticing how our culture was being wipped out. We spoke out to our queen, that tried to convince the king to make the coronans interested in Saporia's culture. But we don't know how, he convinced HER that Saporia's culture didn't matter.

-And from then, Andrew continued, they destroyed everything, completely eating us without any trace of what we had been left behind. They took our books but never showed them on shelves, broke our temples pretexting to need stones for the new houses, destroyed everything we were, and no one said anything. When most of the saporians realized what was going on, it was too late. They gave up fighting, and today, saporian's descendants have forgotten who they are. But we haven't. Facing that cultural genocide, some of us rose and tried to fight back, but we were painted as the villains, the ones that were against love and union. But we wanted peace and union. Mutual respect, the merging of our cultures, not the downfall of one for the benefit of the other.

Destruction of a culture. Of what it was. Erasure of their past. To nothing but a line in a forgotten history book. Yes, their story ringed home, because it was. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Corona was built on lies, pain and suffering. She still didn't agree with their plan but... Maybe she could make a difference. She would try.

-So, music mage, are you in or out ?

A grumble answered, in the same cell as Andrew's.

-I say we left her out... She insulted my magic.

Camalia flinched but knew it was fair. Unlike what their people had been through.

-I'm in.

WHAT’S THIS ?

First / Previous / NEXT

[rureikia]

Chapter 1

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"Why me?"

"Because you're single and you're my life long best friend! Friends have each other's back, no?"

I stared at Sumiko and instantly shook my head to reject the idea, "Then I don't want my back anymore. I don't want to go."

"Ah (Y/N) please." She clasps her hands in a prayer pose.

A long, tired sigh escapes from my mouth, but she stays stubborn and chooses not to listen to my aspect of the situation, "Uwaaaah, Sumiko what do you not get? I do not go to those sort of events. Who do you think I am?" 

Even after I had given her the belated answer she didn't like, Sumiko decided to lean on my work desk further and pulled a rare puppy-dog expression.

She's not actually like this, trust me. Sumiko is much more mature than me, but today she's extremely persistent in acting like a crazy aunt because of this silly little blind date thing. 

"You're a bland person (Y/N), that's what I think. And you're literally only going as a substitute so you don't have to uh - date anyone," she explains, "Tag along, you might even enjoy yourself for once. You never have fun anymore, and it'll be like the old times!"

Her hopeful smile doesn't affect me, rather made my eyebrow twitch. Thus, I returned back to my computer screen and continued typing up work as a way to defocus my mind off her, "I don't know what you mean. Of course I have fun, I just don't really like blind dates."

"Goukon is fun though! And you're single."

Right, she doesn't need to mention that I'm single over and over again like that...

"Aha, but you said that I don't need to date anyone." I contemptuously reminded her.

Her expression changes from my words, "Oh, whoops... Yeah whatever! Well, the point is that our other girl can't make it, and we can't have one guy hanging 'cuz it'll be really awkward being the only partner-less one."

"Mm, I see."

"You know what? If you join, I'll even pay for all the stuff you order in the restaurant we're meeting at."

Oh actually, that's something I love to hear on an overworked Friday... Especially since I'm a person that will never be made out of money and buy luxuries.

This statement was the only part that caught my attention fully. Because it's free stuff. That particular free stuff being my hearty dinner for tonight.

I raised a brow as a sign of piqued interest, "Everything...? Are you sure? Really?"

"That includes drinks, yes..." Sumiko looks at me with a proud face, "Absolutely everything."

Smiling curiously I was beginning to consider accepting the offer, "Is there anything else?"

"What do you want?" She says.

For a second, I put a finger to my chin and looked up at the ceiling to hum a heavy brainstorm teasingly.

There was this one idea I had which was going to turn this into a sort of win-win situation for my remaining hours left here. And so I chuckled at Sumiko in this suspicious style whilst her smile instantly wiped off her face - a pensive expression replaced that smile.

Even when watching her quick shift of emotions, I kept beaming as my mind made the decision. 

"Here." I said. 

I had grabbed the four large piles of documents that were all 5cm thick.

Earlier, it was idly lying next to my computer, waiting for me to start on it. And now, I placed it in front of Sumiko, where she then gawked at me.

You know what made it better? That loud flop sound it made after being dropped. 

"W-What?" She gasped.

"Haha, you can do my work."

With my clenched fist raised in front of my face, I furrow my brows in determination. She on the other hand glared at me with threatening intent.

"Thank you very much!" I said, "I'm very excited for this event now Amaya Sumiko! But take your time, do your best!"

"Why (Y/N) -!! You little rascal, you're taking advantage of this aren't you?!" She exhales heavily in disbelief through her mouth.

My chin moves to rest elegantly over on my two intertwined hands that were put up on the desk, "So, when is it? Tell me more, I'm so very excited for this. Is it after work? Seven? Eight? Or are we going wild and starting at nine? Which restaurant is it? "

"God. You're never funny when you do this." She pretends to throw the documents in my face, I however pretended to act scared by shielding myself with my arms. Afterwards, Sumiko continues, "I won't be the one picking the restaurant, but this other guy is gonna do it and he'll text us the location probably an hour before it starts at eight."

"Oh so in three hours to get work done?" I ask.

"...Yeah. I guess."

"Then you better get all that work done or else you'll be working overtime instead of going on dates haha."

She scowls at me and I grin with my teeth showing.

I soon observed her storm off to the opposite side of the office where her own work station was whilst I was still jokingly beaming behind her.

...

I went back to thinking of what could happen with me and the others over in that meetup. I think it won't go awfully too perfect for me, not that meaning I will be pessimistic about it. Ah I'll say it a bit clearer - what I mean is that I won't really be interested in finding someone there since I prefer to meet someone by chance and not choice.

Haha, to be honest... I haven't dated for a while or done anything like this. Well I haven't been in a stable relationship in general for a while. So I'm now kind of nervous...

I've been on a couple dates here and there but never actually got myself a significant other ever since my first real relationship. And it made me a little teary-eyed as I thought my first real boyfriend was probably also my... (sniffs)... Final...

I'd grow into an elderly person and not understand the concept of romantic love anymore as I haven't experienced it in absolute decades by then. Ultimately, I will live life as a lonely senior with dozens of pets to keep me company instead.

If you put yourself in a positive mindset, it sounded quite nice, living with animals until death. But I do not carry that positive mindset so it ended up not sounding very nice.

I did want to find someone before my parents send pictures of potential partners for me to meet and greet... In fact, they've already started - and no matter how many times I tell mom that I'm not interested at the moment, she persists.

Mom wants me to find someone, get married, live in a better house, be financially stable and add new children to the family tree one day, all that whatnot!

Of course, I know she's just worried about my future, but how am I supposed to find love if I basically forgot how it feels? 

In addition, there was also this. My lack of feeling for romance is often what makes all the dates I've been on every blue moon, only be a date. Only one date, never another one again. I just can't seem to identify a sort of love with other people, and it makes me afraid about my future.

I guess another factor for my lack of dating experience may be due to my specifically high-level standards I have raised. Because ever since three years ago, I now tend to struggle to find a suitable partner that would make me feel as much emotions as my last one did.

After all, I can't lie to myself that me dating my ex-boyfriend was something I think during some of my nights, not that I wish to reunite of course. But I think about how it's a little strange that he's the one of the only people I'm not related to I've known for a large portion of my life and also the one I strived for more than my current career. 

The most important thing to me is my job. But back then, the most important thing to me was him. 

From the beginning of middle school, I've known him and I proceeded to get to know him at high school too. So in a way, we were childhood friends, right?

We lived in the same neighbourhood , him actually living right opposite me - we went to the exact same schools too, middle, high school and college. It was like we were meant to be or something haha!

Well... His name was Kita Shinsuke.

He's definitely the I'm-so-perfect-and-good-looking-but-don't-know-it kind of guy, if you get what I mean.

Kita was respected by so many people. He's responsible, always got excellent top tier grades, talks very polite Japanese, always was the teacher's favorite, was even captain of our high school's volleyball team and mentioning it once more, he was quite good looking too. For a bit, I kept having this stigma that his existence was simply unfair and unbelievable... He can do practically anything and wouldn't react that much as if he's some kind of snobby prince. But soon, when I observed him more, everything was done unintentionally and he was simply like that.

...

Often in stories, dramas or anything similar, two kids that live closeby, or have known each other since young are portrayed as something incredibly sweet. Most commonly called this concept of childhood sweethearts.

Two kids would routinely go to and from school together, possibly holding hands, picking sticks that look like magical wands from the ground, buying ice pops in the summer, blowing bubbles, they'd get told off by the elders, constantly spark up trouble together and they'd pet the stray cats etcetera, etcetera. These two would enjoy each other's presence obliviously not knowing what would develop in the future. Because once those kids grow up, only then would they realize what they share is a friendship that has actually been blooming into love. 

I guess that's my summary of one of the examples of childhood sweethearts, but I have yet another one to mention!

Two kids in a love-hate scenario this time, to which I think is a little more complicated.

In this case, one party doesn't like the other at first. However, the other party would take somewhat interest whilst still not liking them too. So throughout time, these two will glare and click their tongues in irritation, not even batting an eye of respect at one another. And so their initial relationship therefore being rigid and competitive - but likewise, once they grow up and become more mature, they come to realize they're used to each other's presence so much that it's odd to not live without it! Suddenly they're like, (gasp) Oh!! It must be true love!!

Maybe if fate had given me a childhood sweetheart like that, I could walk around with hearts in my eyes like what you'd see in television shows.

But me and Kita weren't really like either of those.

We really and truly were just two separate lives that lived coincidentally close. 

At my younger age, I'd be at home reading manga, watching Doraemon and singing the opening song for Cutie Honey Flash, as Kita would be doing all his homework, playing sports and helping around his house.

It was definitely during middle school. That's when I started to notice Kita a bit more. I mean to be fair, he went to the same school as me, we left at the same time and we also lived in the same area, who on earth wouldn't notice? And at some point, we were put in the same classes miraculously too.

He was for sure a very good boy. Always completed work to his full potential with that annoying photographic memory of his, often did lunchtime duties and was consistently showered compliments by the teachers! Gah! Wasn't fair! 

He sat next to me in year 2 middle school which was probably the year I began liking him even more. Because I would turn my head and just see him and then my whole peripheral vision was also still just, him.

Kita and me never bickered at that time slot nor did we talk too much - come to think of it, I think it's either because I was too scared or because of his introvertedly noiseless attitude. Well, more or less I disliked arguing so I thought if I ever argued with a boy like Kita, it would end in the worst.

There was actually this one memorable time, still set in 2nd year middle school, where me and Kita were the ones chosen by the teacher to hand out the numbered vests for P.E. as everyone was going to join in for soccer. There were around 45 vests in total, Kita handed out a pathetic number of 6, then left to go play ball as the other boys asked him, subsequently leaving me behind to do the rest...

I was therefore running around angrily, trying to hand out all the remaining vests for everyone.

Funnily, the less vests I gradually had, the more I got angry since it reminded me how the one that handed the majority of these, were all me.

It was only when I finished handing them out and the teachers told us to find a partner to stretch with, I bumped into Kita again purely by accident.

Looking at him made me mad. At that second, I wish I had scolded or ranted to him or even thrown my numbered vest to his face to the very least, but we partnered up automatically and I had no time or build-up of confidence to do any of that. Instead, I just copied how he was stretching with a scornful face.

He was stretching with complete concentration adding onto this air of tranquility as if he forgot what he just did, and I was weakly doing the same whilst trying to keep my petty thoughts in check.

By the time I twisted my torso to do a different stretch, I glanced at Kita where he was doing a stretch with the opposite arm. And I stood there, watching him, with a slightly open-mouthed expression, similar to a fish.

I was baffled how he was wearing the same tattered and ugly green vest as everyone else in class and how he was wearing just our school's plain P.E clothes - yet somehow, the wind gently brushed his hair, the sunlight made his dark eyes brighter and I saw how he was noiselessly mouthing numbers to himself to count his seconds of stretching.

Similar to a movie, time stopped. Everything turned slo-mo and my heart had a strong twinge at the sight of him. 

It was right then, that was the promising moment I fell for Kita.

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[avarice-inclined]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER .

Can be used for RP and non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen!

1. FIRST NAME: emmett

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: i have an overall weird talent for mimicking character voices, but the most notable one is Stitch from Lilo and Stitch

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON:   -✧ eyes, definitely, even though it’s a bit of an oxymoron because of how much i HATE making direct eye-contact in conversation, but i like eyes when i can look and the person isn’t looking directly at me -✧ how a person smiles is a big one, because happiness is really heckin beautiful and it’s even better if i know i’m the cause of a smile -✧ freckles. i absolutely love freckles, like, the more the merrier. it’s like having constellations on their skin, like the universe doused them in glitter idk, they’re just super pretty 

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF: mac n cheese, esp if it’s nice and gooey with lots of melted cheese. i go absolutely ham for good mac n cheese lol

5. A FOOD YOU HATE: i don’t really care for beans of any sort. baked beans are an exception but, like, they gotta be the sweet kind. i hate sausage, in general, esp breakfast sausage because the smell just makes my stomach feel bleugh 

6. GUILTY PLEASURE: collecting stupid quarter machine figurines and writing complex, self-insert fanfiction in my head that never make it into written form because i am not brave enough to actually write any of that shit down lmao

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: leggings and a t-shirt, sometimes just a shirt and nothin else cuz i live in florida in a house with no central air and it’s HOT don’t judge

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS: serious, but only because i’m not emotionally capable of flings and i have to get p close to someone for anything bedroom-related to come up, and if it’s gotten to that point i’m definitely already HELLA ATTACHED and probably already telling the person ‘love you’ in casual conversation

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: i honestly don’t know about this because, like, ideally i would have left my parents house way earlier than i did, or at least tried to assert my demand to be treated like a human being way earlier, but, then again, everything that’s happened in my life has led me to the point i’m at today and if things had gone just slightly different, i might not have met my husband, or i might not be as sure of my gender identity as i am now. so, like, even though a lot of things in my past REALLY SUCKED, there’s only a specific few things i might change but even then i’d be hesitant about it because i like how my life is now, even with all the shit i had to struggle through to get here.

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: probably, yeah, i am def that touch-starved bitch who craves physical affection, be it platonic, romantic, or otherwise. i’m not down to hug or cuddle with a stranger but, like, if i’m friends with someone and know they’re cool with it, they’re gettin loved on

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: all of the LoTR/Hobbit movies, any Studio Ghibli film, the last unicorn, WOLF CHILDREN EVEN THO IT MAKES ME LITTLE-GIRL SOB EVERY TIME, Venom, Detective Pikachu, THE PRINCESS BRIDE

12. FAVORITE BOOK: island of the blue dolphins, the entire animorphs series, DRAGONRIDERS OF PERN SERIES, actually just about any book with dragons in it where the dragons are complex and not evil is absolutely my jam, the Abhorsen series, also the Hunger Games... i don’t really have one specific favorite book that’s literally impossible to decide lol

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: anything that isn’t a spider or a bug that can inflict bodily harm unto my person. i just really love all animals okay just gimme a farm house or a ranch so i can have ALL of my favorite animals in one place that’d be ideal. but if i had to pick just one i’d want my cat because she’s the best little girl and i’ve only had her for 4 days but i would die for this chaotic little ball of fluff you have no idea. i am incomplete without a cat at my side

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]: (FMA) ed/winry or ed/ling, just let the kids be happy, (WITCHER) geralt/jaskier/yen, because geralt has two hands and both of them deserve to be held, (FMA) greed/not dying au’s, I JUST WANT MY BOY TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?, (ATLA) katara/zuko/aang, lemme have my loving polyam pairings, (ADVENTURE ZONE) taako/kravitz, because the bar doesn’t get much higher than seducing the grim reaper with threat of tentacles

15. PIE OR CAKE: i literally cannot choose between the two, i have favorites from both categories and i BAKE so that makes it even harder

16. FAVORITE SCENT: vanilla, peaches, and books

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH: brendan urie or kiera knightley... also david tennant

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: new zealand, because i’m a nerd and that’s where LoTR was filmed, but i’d also like to go to japan

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT: definitely an introvert

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY: very much so, but i do still enjoy horror themes in movies and games, even if i can’t play most games myself and have to watch lets plays of them

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID: i’ve only ever had android phones. the only apple device i ever had was an iPad but since i was only using it for art i don’t have much of an opinion on it beyond that lol

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: i’m currently playing the witcher 3, whichever final fantasy has Noctis in it- i don’t know what the number is because i have a hard time reading roman numerals, kingdom hearts 3, and animal crossing new leaf (if any of you also play i am welcome to giving out my friend code if you’re interested!)

23. DREAM JOB: making a living off my art, or even getting into video game design

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: pay off debt/overdue bills, finally get hormone therapy and top surgery, and get myself and my friends and chosen family into a better house and away from abusive situations

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: i don’t think there are any characters that i hate tbh, i might hate things that certain characters DO, but that’s not the same as hating the character itself. from a design perspective, though, Tingle from LOZ can fuck right off, actually. WAIT SCRATCH THAT. SHOU TUCKER CAN SWALLOW A CACTUS WHOLE. that is all. ahem.

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: twi//light, until i realized just how gross smeyer was and how her writing is, objectively, not as great as everyone made it out to be

tagged by: stole this from @dolcetters tagging: if you wanna do it, go for it!

[taemoanchi]

Brother’s best friend.

"Yah kookie! You guys are disgusting" you said. Only for him to roll his eyes at your comment.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"Rating girls depending on how pretty their face is, is just disgusting. imagine me rating you guys." After you said that Jimin and jungkook looked at each other before they started laughing like crazy lunatic's.

Jimin smirked at you and asked "exactly how innocent are you y/n?"

You raised your eyebrows and gave him a confusing look. "What do you mean?"

Jungkook finally stopped laughing. "Sis, we're rating their ass and ti-"

"YAH!!!" You screamed and covered your ears.

you're not actually THAT innocent but hearing your brother say that makes you cringe.

Jungkook started laughing once again while Jimin smirked at me. What's up with him?

"That's even worse" they both ignored you after that and went back to swiping on their phones.

You sighed and walked out of the living room but not before hearing Jimin say "that's a straight up ten."

"Dude!"

"What? She has a nice ass."

Can someone please remind you why you have a crush on him?

~

After about 20 minutes of sitting alone in the kitchen you heard someone walk in.

"You know... I've always wanted to do this thing"

You turned around to see Jimin leaning against the door frame, looking straight into you eyes.

"What thing? Acting like an adult? Cuz that'll make you 10 times more attractive" you said and turned your back towards him.

"So you think I'm attractive hmm?"

"W-What no! I didn't s-" you got cut off by his lips pressed against your exposed neck.

You sucked in a breath not knowing what to do.

"You know what I've been fantasizing about lately "

"Uh, n-No" goddamnit y/n get your shit together.

"What it would be like fucking my best friend's sister" he whispered seductively in my ear.

SAY WHATTTTTTT

"I-" you got cut off once again by Jimin turning your chair around and smashing his lips against yours.

God? Is this a dream?

You couldn't move Bcs of how shocked you were. Until you finally realized what was happening.

You pushed him alway and jumped up from your chair "are you crazy Jimin?"

"Yes. I've always been crazy about you but since you're my best friend's sister I tried to keep my hands to myself. But lately I've been jerking off while thinking about how deliciously your lips would feel around me and I just can't help myself anymore y/n. I need you."

You stood there, hands on his shoulders to keep distance between the both of you. Eyes wide out of shock because of what he just told you. Not able to move and too scared to say anything.

"Y/n.. please let me have you."

"J-Jimin we cant.. jungkook is-" "in the shower and after that he was going to FaceTime his girlfriend.. we're alone"

"We really can't Jimin"

"Don't you want me y/n?"

"Wha-"

"I've caught you looking at me a lot, staring at my lips while I'm talking to your brother, pressing your thighs against each other every time I wink at you.. I know you want me babygirl"

You started breathing louder as he took your wrists and walked you backwards until your back hit a wall.

Damn you stupid wall.

He pushed your hands above your head and lowered his head so he could whisper in your ear.

"Just say yes and I'm all yours"

He started licking, biting and kissing your neck.

His hands roaming around your body.

"Babygirl..say it"

Your head started spinning. You could feel yourself getting wetter by the thoughts of him fucking you. While still Questioning if this was a good idea. But at the end of the day, your brother was dating your friend so why the fuck not.

"I need you Jimin."

He didn't waste a second to pick you up and carried you to the kitchen table, softly putting you down. Your body now taking full control as you let your hands run up his arms into his silver hair.

Jimin's hands sliding under your T-shirt to unhook your bra. He let go off you and took a step back.

"Strip" he said while pulling off his own t shirt.

You stared at him in awe, his perfectly toned abs right in front of you, making you drool at the sight.

He narrowed his eyes at you in a dominant way making you gulp. "Did I stutter sweetheart?"

"Huh?"

"I said. Strip."

Your eyes widened at his demanding tone, jumping off from the table to undress yourself to the point where you only had your panties covering you. 

"So perfect... on your knees"

You got down on your knees waiting for what's coming next. Not that it was hard to guess by seeing him stand in front of you unbuckling his pants and pulling them down to his ankles.

"You know what to do babygirl" he said while smirking down at you.

Your hand started shaking due how nervous you were. But no matter what, You were gonna suck his dick like you never sucked a dick before.

You pulled his boxers down and gulped at the sight of his dick.

How the fuck is that ever gonna fit?

Don't be a pussy now y/n..

You took his dick in you hands and started teasing him with little kitten licks on his tip. Making him groan. "Don't tease"

He grabbed your hair and pushed his dick all the way down your throat without any warning. He threw his head back at the feeling of finally having your mouth around him.

You of course trying to gasp for air as he fucked your mouth. Feeling tears form in your eyes.

Jimin silently moaned and cursed before letting go of your hair and pulling you back up to lay down on the table.

"My turn" he said and ripped your panties down your legs before putting them over his shoulders, he looked up at you with his sexy smirk once again "you ready baby?"

"Ye- oh my fuck!" He didn't give you time to respond properly as his tongue was already doing his work.

His tongue teasing your clit while pushing 2 fingers slowly inside of you.

You started moaning louder not giving a shit if jungkook might hear you.

He started humming against your clit and moving his fingers inside of you making your legs shake. You tried to close your legs only to fail because of jimin's hand that pushed them back open.

You felt something building up inside of you, knowing you're going to cum any second now.

"J-Jimin... I'm- fuck"

He started moving his fingers faster "cum for me babygirl" he hummed against you. Vibrations being send through you body, pushing you over the edge. Not even 10 seconds later you saw white before your eyes and came on his tongue and fingers.

"Jimin fuck!!!" You yelled.

He took his fingers out off you and licked them clean while looking into your eyes. What a sight.

"You might want to be quieter for what's coming next, we don't want our precious kookie to walk in right?"

You rolled your eyes and said "I don't care"

"Oh really?" He stood up and hovered over your small body giving you a soft kiss on your lips. "Then neither do I."

Without any warning he pushed his dick all the way inside of you making you gasp for air once again. He didn't move for a while, letting you adjust to his size while placing sweet kisses all over your neck and shoulders.

You moved your arms around him, running your hand over his back down to his ass.

Damn.. ji-booty thicc as fuck.

"Are you really touching my ass right now?" He asked while chuckling.

"Guys are not the only ones who like touching someone's ass." You laughed.

But you didn't laugh that long when he started pounding inside of you without any warning. What's with him doing everything without warning me? LET A GIRL BREATHE PLEASE!

By now you were one sweaty, moaning mess.

He pushed himself up and softly wrapped his hand around your throat while his other arm pulled your leg from around his waist and placed it over his shoulder.

His head thrown backwards, his lips wide open with moans and curse words leaving them. Small Sweat drops glistering on his forehead.

The sight of him alone could make any girl cum.

He kept thrusting faster and deeper inside of you. Making you scream out his name.

"Found it" he groaned and kept hitting that same spot over and over again. Driving you crazy.

You arched you back while pulling your hair, screaming out his name.

Making Jimin wild. Seeing you all fucked and messy underneath him.

"Fucking hell you're tight" he huffed. You teased him by clenching around him making him hiss. He tightened his hand that was still around your throat and looked at you with a daring look in his eyes.

"Don't"

"S-sorr- ah Jimin I'm gonna -" "me too babygirl, me too."

After a few more thrusts You released your second orgasm making you see stars.. literally.

Jimin pulled out and took a step back, signaling you to get off and sit on your knees in front of him. So.. you did.

You sat in front of him on your knees, your hands placed on his thighs to keep yourself up as he pushed his dick inside of your mouth.

He grabbed your hair and started fucking your throat at a fast pace, until he finally came inside of your mouth moaning your name while he did.

You swallowed every last drop while looking into his eyes.

"Fuck you're perfect" he bend down and kissed your lips in a way that made your heart melt.

"Let's get dressed now before jungkook comes downstairs"

You both got dressed right in time, just as you sat back down on the chair jungkook walked inside of the kitchen.

He looked at you and Jimin with a suspicious look. "What were you guys doing? I heard screams"

Jimin cleared his throat and said "I was teasing her about earlier"

Jungkook laughed " shes really is too innocent"

Jimin smirked at you "yeah, she is"

You gave him an innocent smile and turned around to leave the room. "Goodnight guys"

"Goodnight sis"

"Night babygirl"

I smiled to myself when I heard a slap "YAH! Wtf did you just call my sister?"

————————————-

[crazycrackersworld]

So 11 years ago tonight I took my daughter Katana, and two of her friends to go see a concert at The Rave in Milwaukee. The show had four bands and one of them was at the time katana's new favorite band, and to this day they are still her favorite band and she wants to marry the lead singer Andy.

It was Black Veil Brides, Get Scared, Vampires Everywhere, and Modern Day Escape.

I had only been living in Milwaukee for a couple of months the divorce was basically just recently finalized. But I took the night off of work because she'd asked me in advance and I drove up and picked her and her two friends up and her mom's house in Brownsville.

Drove back down to Milwaukee to the duplex that I lived in her and her friends got ready and I got ready cuz I was going to get a ticket so I could keep an eye on her and such. I remember thinking I was going to feel kind of weird going to a heavy metal show at the rave considering I had just recently cut all my hair off and it was short. But I was also excited because I had lost enough weight during the divorce that I was able to wear my leather pants so that was pretty cool.

So we got to the rave and I parked in the parking lot we walked up the hill to the front and we went inside cuz I was going to pay for katana's ticket cuz that was the plan all along and when we got in they could hear a band playing so they were in a rush so I bought two tickets I gave katana hers and she said her and her friends were going to go watch the band and I said okay I'll probably be in in a little bit.

Now this was shortly after they made it illegal for you to smoke inside bars and things like that in wisconsin, but it was way before they opened up the smoking lounge on the roof of the Rave. So I went outside and I decided I wanted to smoke a couple cigarettes before I got trapped in for the night so I walked down the hill back to the parking lot and I went in my car and I got my pack of cigarettes and my lighter and then I locked my car and I started walking back up the hill to the front of the venue.

So I lit a cigarette and I was walking up the hill and as I was going up the hill I noticed the young man sitting outside one of the doors to the building and he was smoking a cigarette and he had dreadlocks but he was white. And I thought to myself you know he's in the crew or he's a roadie or you know something like that but he's outside cuz I could see he had a laminate backstage pass around his neck.

So I stopped and I am I engaged him in conversation and I remember I asked him I said well you know are you crew or are you with roadie or you know you work here? And he looked at me and he said no I my name is Nick and I'm in one of the bands and I said really I said which one are you in? He said "I'm Nick, I'm the lead singer of Get Scared.".

And I said really that's cool I said my daughter loves your band she was raving all about you on the way here I mean she's here to see the headlining act the Black Veil Brides, but she says that your band is like her second favorite out of all the ones playing. And he said that that was pretty cool and it was cool that I had taken my daughter to the show and I actually smoked like two cigarettes maybe three just standing on the sidewalk and talking to this guy who you know who's the lead singer of this band and my daughter was going to go see.

So I went out to the front of the Rave and I sat down and I was going to smoke a few more cigarettes but I decided to text Katana, and ask her you know where they were or whatever. And of course because they were watching a band it took about 10-15 minutes for say that they were down on the floor right in front of the stage having a blast.

And then I said well I was just hanging out with and smoking cigarettes with Nick from Get Scared. Took about 10 minutes to get a reply and I figured it would cuz her phone was in her pocket and she was in the pit and everything but when she didn't reply she said oh my god really I love him. So and another cigarette or two and I went inside and I went down into the basement because that's where they were having a show and then I watched the rest of the bands play and remember that I did really like Get Scared, AND Black Veil Brides.

So the show was over and they were having a meet and greet for the Black Veil Brides so Katana and her friends got in line. And the other bands they were all moving their own stuff and their own equipment all these bands were like on their first tour they didn't even have buses they were in vans so they had to pull their own equipment.

And what I did is I went out front so I could smoke a cigarette again and and then I came back down and I'd been out there for about 15 minutes and I realized Katana and her friends were still in the same spot in line to see the Black Veil Brides. I'm at first I didn't think anything of it I sat down for a little bit rested got bored went outside to smoke and when I went outside I saw Nick and he actually remembered me from earlier in the day and asked me what I thought of the band and I told him that I really liked them I enjoy them I thought they were a very good band and I smoke my cigarette and then I went back inside and went back down to the basement.

And once I got down there I noticed that her and her friends were actually farther back in the line than when I had gone outside and that confused me. So I walked over and I asked Katana why were they back further in the line and when I had left them and she said because we keep seeing guys from the other bands you know moving their equipment so we run over to talk to them and get their autographs. And I said you need to stop doing that you're in line you know to meet the headlining band and that's who you want to meet so you should just stop I said and also I want to you know eventually head home.

And she said that they just you know they had to get autographs and meet everybody so I'm standing there and if she says that she makes a noise and then she points and her two friends also kind of let out a little scream or squeal or squeal or whatever. And I turn my head and I look at where she's pointing and I see that singer Nick and he's signing somebody CD and he's talking to him and Katana says that they just have to meet Nick and I kind of grumbled because I wanted them to make it through the line.

I was afraid it was so bad so I looked at her and I said will you guys stay here in line if I walk over there and I bring Nick over here? And she actually kind of laughed and her friends kind of laughed and she said no you won't and I said stay here and watch. And I walked over to Nick and I patiently waited for him to finish signing this girl's CD and talking to her and when she walked off he turned to look at me and he said hey it's you and I said yeah it's me and then I said hey do you want to make me the best dad in the world?

And then I said to him if you walk with me over to the line so that you can meet my daughter and her two friends they will stay in the line and eventually be able to get to the Black Veil brides. And then I said and then that gets me home earlier. He looked over at the line he looked at me sure why not dude and we started walking towards the line. Katana and her friends were talking and looking around and whatever so the katana lifted up her head and looked over and my general direction and she saw me walking towards her with what in her mind was a rockstar and she just looked so amazed.

Samantha's nice young man named Nick get up to the line and I say Nick this is my daughter Katana and her friends and he said hi and they said Hi and then he started signing stuff and I said well I'm going to go sit down now and Nick said that it was a pleasure meeting me and then he kept talking to him Katana and her friends. And as I was walking away from the line to go back outside and smoke, my daughter in a room full of teenagers yelled at the top of her lungs I love my dad. And I remember stopping looking over my shoulder she had a huge smile on her face I just nodded at her smile and then I went outside and smoked.

And then I waited for the band to come outside she actually got to talk to some of them a little bit more while they were loading their gear but I just remember thinking that my daughter just yelled she loves her dad at the top of her lungs in a room literally packed with teenagers. And in that moment I felt that I had you know done something right as a father.

So that was 11 years ago today, I still listen to get scared even I think they're broken up or something like that I still listen to the Black Veil Brides so that's at least two bands that my daughter got me into listening to as opposed to all the music I got her into listening to.

And when I look back on that night it is with nothing but found and funny memories and it was a good time had by all it really was and I I'm going to cherish that memory for as long as I live.

And that's the story of how I walked technically a rockstar across a room of people to introduce him to my daughter.

[thetragicescape]

18, 21, 23, 25, 29 annnnnnd if you were given the opportunity to have all of your wishes and desires to come true but lose the one you love.. would you? Why or why not..

18: Most traumatic experience: -when I was 7 years old my mom and 4 year old brother and me were in a horrible car wreck. My brother and I survived but my mom didn’t. I saw her broken bloody body and had to watch the life leave her eyes. It was and still is devastating to me cuz she was my hero,my idol,the one I wanted to be like when I grew up. Even 14 years later it hurts like hell cuz i loved her more than anything and still do. -The abuse my family put me through and continue to try and put me through. -Being bullied and outcast all my life -Being raped multiple times. -Being sexually harrassed and assaulted by one of my dad’s employees (a registered sex offender who had been to jail for molesting a child) for years. When my dad found out, he took absolutely NO legal action against him because it would “hurt his business” (he knew the guy was a sex offender for 6 months before i finally got the courage to tell my dad what he’d done to me and HADN’T fired him immediately when he found out. For GOD knows what reason. He told my dad that he had changed and was past it,while doing it to me the whole time in secret. My dad was scared that the fact he knew the dude was a sex offender for 6 months before firing him would make him look bad). If it was my kid I’d sue the fuck out of them. It really fucking hurt because I felt unimportant and insignificant to my own father. Like I didn’t deserve justice or even the time of day. Like I was nothing more than dirt under his shoe and the world’s shoes. I had gone through horrible things in those years,and my dad refused to do anything about it for the sake of his precious business,which I guess was more important to him than his only daughter. Also,after it took me years to work up the nerve to tell my dad about it,he blamed me for it going on so long,asking why I never did anything to stop it for all that time. Well,he was way bigger and stronger than me as well as cunning and manipulative as fuck. Im tiny and weak and can’t stand up for myself,verbally and physically. He was an evil man,I was his victim and my dad blamed me. Every bad and traumatic thing that happens to me,my family finds a way to make it “my fault” which hurts more than anything else. Fuck them,they aint family to me at all. -My ex boyfriend leaving me to die on the floor of a dairy queen bathroom stall after I ODed on meth,cocaine,molly,and a whole bottle of vodka. Not only did he leave me there, he also stole my phone,car,macbook pro and all my money ($20,000 to be exact here) and pushed my car off a mountain. The cops doing nothing about it because “since I gave him permission to drive it earlier that day,it wasn’t stolen” yeah i totally wanted him to steal my car. I couldn’t have given him permission to rob me and take my car when he did it,as I was unconscious and dying on the floor. The cops’ excuse was such bullshit I get angry thinking about it,even. It sucked. Almost the worst part of it was my family blaming ME for him robbing me (saying I “shouldn’t have been hanging out with him") such douchebags holy fuck. Yes,I shouldn’t have been around him and wish I never knew he existed,but that does NOT make his cruel,horrendous act MY fault in any way,shape or form. He is the piece of shit who thinks its acceptable to leave someone who showed him nothing but unconditional love on the floor to die and rob them blind. That’s not my fault at all,I was the victim of a crime. Every bad thing that happens to me is my fault in their eyes which is why I never told them I got raped. They’d blame me for it. Anyway i hate my ex with a passion for what he did and he is the only human being i could kill with no remorse. Fuck you Cody,I hope you burn in hell.

21: What I love most about myself: Fuuuuck this is hard as a person with a nonexistent self esteem. If I had to pick one thing,I guess it would be my kind heart.

23: My relationship with my sibling(s): awful. My little brother basically blindly agrees with my dad on everything, so he doesn’t like me. Especially due to my past drug use,even though I got sober. He doesnt think you can smoke weed and be sober (he and my dad are super Christian conservative and against weed. They literally treat it like it’s fucking heroin,and no I’m not joking. It’s fucking ridiculous) Recently we aren’t speaking since my dad kicked me out of the house because he didn’t approve of my husband. So my bro, being the sheep he is,doesn’t bother to think for himself and hates me cause my dad does. He’s the exact opposite of me- very religious, prudish,square,and straight edge as fuck. So no wonder he hates me. I’d give anything for him to think beyond my dad and try to have a relationship with me because he is my brother and I love and care about him, but he,like the rest of my family,couldn’t care less whether I was dead or alive. Fuck him.

25: My idea of a perfect date: anything in the world as long as you are by my side 😍😍😍😍😘😘😘😘

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend: I absolutely HATE lying and usually only did it to cover my ass. Way back when I was in college and using meth heavily,I lied constantly to my best friend/roommate Savannah about it so she wouldn’t know. She has a twin sister who was also a meth addict and she was constantly telling me how gross she thought meth was and how gross she thought her sister was for doing it. I was scared she’d be disgusted with me too if she knew I was also doing it,so I made up countless lies to her, any and everything that kept me under the radar. Honestly,I was so damn twacked out all the time, I have no idea how the fuck she didn’t notice,especially since she spent so much time around her sister who’d been doing it for a hella long time. I was just super grateful she never noticed shit. It was a miracle I pulled it off,but fuck I hated lying to her. I wished I could tell her everything,but I didn’t want her to hate me over it. My reasoning behind it was that I didnt wanna lose her as a friend (we were pretty close amd still are now),and I thought she would never be my friend again if she knew about my addiction. For a while it worked, until the day before I got robbed, when my ex ratted me out to her for no reason and even showed her my pipe (again,FUCK YOU CODY). I was so scared she was gonna hate me and not wanna be my friend anymore but she took it surprisingly well,way better than I ever thought she would. She even hugged me. Shes hella cool and I miss her. She’s glad I got clean and we are still great,close friends to this day. Im so grateful to still have her in my life. Baby,all my wishes and dreams came true because of you, so fuck no im not giving you up. I get both my love and my greatest dreams coming true already 😍 you are my dream come true

[kaiba-fangirl]

...there’s so much I could try to say, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain, that YES, hating someone while still wanting, and working so hard to get their approval - acceptance - love - acknowledgement is... very... normal? well maybe not “normal,” but, that is what happens in those situations... 

For me, “the old lady” I refer to, who you can read all about on my main blog, is not Gothel, but a way for me to refer to my dad’s mom without continually saying “dad’s mom,” to STILL give him the chance to separate himself from her, and because I have not sincerely referred to her as a “grandmother” since I was about 16. She was a third parent in the house since before I was born, til she finally died in 2010 when I was 22, but she ALWAYS- always, always, always, said that we were not her family. Probably the least of her transgressions. She messed us all up. When my dad was 17, he started a small, roadside, seasonal business. Wreaths and grave blankets. Now, as the area has grown and been built up, but other stands have closed down, our business is growing faster than we can keep up with. I started really working days out there when I was 12. But I hated it with a passion. Every year I wanted to hear that we were going to close for good. My feet were always numb from the cold, my shoes soaked through, my hands cut up and frozen, nails broken, just bitterly, freezing, fucking cold. In highschool, the weight room helped a little bit, but I’m still a girl and didn’t get any natural boost in muscles from puberty, unlike my brother. My back and shoulders have always been perpetually stiff and tight, muscles so sore and exhausted. Our work days have grown to 18 hours, and that’s with summer prep. With sinus infections because my sister is too ‘cool’ for a coat and then spreads her germs. And that’s just the manual labor. The constant screaming and yelling, and crying on our parts, let up a little in 2010 when she died. The next year it was right back, and actually worse. With my dad and her going at it, we knew what to expect. Now, there’s no scapegoat, no reliable malicious instigator. It’s just him versus us. For any reason. And, I’ve noticed myself turning into horrible middle management, snapping and screaming at my mom and siblings that *I* need things done, because if my impossible task list is not done, then *I* will be the one to hear it from *him*. And I hate seeing that come out of me. Good old “Blood, Sweat, and Tears.” So many tears, so much sweat, surprising amount of pain... At least we’re only open at Christmastime, right? But around, maybe 2006? I think I had already started college. My dad FINALLY, since I had given up on trying to convince him, decided to start using more different materials, nicer materials like velvet ribbon and silk flowers, instead of just plastic everything. Those new “fancy” designs (as per the materials’ Chinese names) have been growing steadily by 33% each year since then. I finally liked the designs I had to make, and felt like I had been listened to, even if I didn’t get credit. It was stuff I had pointed out a couple years earlier at our suppliers’ stores, but was always shot down. This also became my department. For the longest time, *only* I could make these designs, and made them with more precision and finesse than he could. I genuinely wanted to see these WOW people, and took pride in how each year, we did better than the last. I actually wanted to succeed. My brother and I began our off-the-cuff commenting dreams of having a permanent store someday, and how we would expand the place bit by bit. I also discovered Under Armour, Hot Hands, and made my mom invest in good boots for us all. Dec 22, 2011, I thought my dad was literally going to kill me. It had been an all-day screaming match, the likes of which I had never participated in nor seen. He found out, as we were opening, that I had plans to fix a friend’s laptop for $50, since it promised to be a slow day and we had more people working than we really needed. Still, I would do it out in the trailer and just supervise, or stop and make something if I was needed. He also thought I was late getting out to open, which was actually not true but he kept accusing me of lying all day. He flipped out, forbade me and my fiance from working, and forced me to sit with him at my desk, beside his desk, all day, while I fixed that laptop, and he screamed at me and called me names. And I screamed back, but refused to truly retaliate; I just wanted him to stop. The day ended with me in the trailer, in a ball on the dirty wood floor, trying to disappear, crawling into a pile of wreaths with my head brushing cobwebs from under a table, while he leaned over me, closer and closer, screaming at the top of his lungs and spraying spit in my face. I finally gave up, tried to bargain that if I said I was lying, would he stop? He refused. My fiance ran up, and froze, realizing that he was about to throw him down the steps, but that that would only make things worse for me. Luckily, my dad saw the look in his eye and left.  His excuse, when I found him asleep in his desk chair at 9:15am the next day? (We open at 9am.) He was sleepy, overtired. That’s why he lost it the day before. ...I haven’t fixed a computer for money since... ...things haven’t been the same for me since... I’m more scared of him than ever. I hate him more than ever. I wish I could get him out of my life, but he’s so enmeshed in everything. -- I also try harder than ever. I’ve been more focused on the business, taking on more responsibility, staking my pride in it and growing my confidence when I’m out there, talking to customers like I’m in charge, because I am-- out there. Just not overall. It’s... because I have tried so hard to make this business succeed, with my own ideas, and my whole body -- I see the numbers go up, I see customers rave and be so appreciative and thankful, I see family friends stop by and be amazed. But... it’s never enough for him. He hasn’t lost it so bad since then, but I still feel everything still cutting right through me. Loser, Liar, Pathetic, Stupid, Lazy... One slip, and everything can be perfect and you could have done everything right, but if he takes your “tone” the wrong way, heaven help us all... I can’t even ask him a single question because it might set him off. He’s worse than a boss or a father, cuz he’s both combined, wrapped inside a giant workaholic manchild who never got his mother’s approval; without that, I KNOW that he has none to give.  For a while now, certainly since 2011, he’s been saying how they would get along just fine without me. Not, “Focus on your degree, don’t worry about this,” but guilttripping me back there on the weekends and every spare second of my time. With other college problems, I was there for most of all of those seasons. ...this past Christmas was the first I skipped, to prove this point. And he said they really could have used me, and it wasn’t the same. I was also finally officially diagnosed with Major Chronic Depression in August, and he met -and talked for over an hour with- a woman in November buying a gravecover for her son, who had just committed suicide that year. (My parents have no concept of depression not necessarily being linked to suicide. I am not and have not been suicidal.) It hurt my heart to not be out in the brisk cold, working my arms out, physically accomplishing concrete things, dazzling customers with our shiny new ribbon and flower combinations, having them watch me deftly cut and nimbly flip ribbon around, while also roughly wrestling the same piece. He also tried pitting my brother against me, saying how he basically did everything and must care so much more. I said great, glad he’s doing so well and learning so much. My brother held nothing against me for not being there. (His mother would try to turn us 3 against each other all the time; old hat. Not gonna happen.) I missed it. I still hate him. Why do I want HIS business to succeed? To prove myself to one of my worst enemies... I guess? I just happen to also have to share oplatki with him after we close.

[argaliaofficial]

i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more 

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked. 

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs. 

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends. 

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids. 

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh 

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew. 

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol 

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever” 

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school 

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!” 

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me. 

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened. 

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal. 

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that. 

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic. 

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky. 

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks

[babygirlblogging-lise-blog]

My First

I failed my driving test. 

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling. 

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures. 

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city. 

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is… 

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream! 

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy. 

 I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type. 

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down. 

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over. 

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence. 

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?” 

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night. 

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls! 

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn 

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me 

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible 

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers? 

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome 

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me 

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out. 

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want 

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt? 

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me. 

AYINDE: ur awake? 

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs 

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change. 

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible. 

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week. 

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see. 

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on. 

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy. 

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped. 

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off. 

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating. 

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone. 

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance. 

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents: 

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities. 

[livewiremind]

The Hospital part 1

“ Was going to the hospital for your bipolar a positive experience?” I look back at the straight faced psychologist, looking for a signal of some understanding of what the experience had truly been. Gut-wrenching, life altering, mind destroying, unbelievably hopeless- no indication of these words played for a moment across the doctors face. How could I begin to explain those three weeks in the psyche ward with a broken arm?  “ It was grounding,”  I finally reply. “ seeing everyone else with their delusions caused mine to crumble. I learned I wasn’t the only one, and up to that point I had felt like it.” His next question surprised me. “ have you written about your experience?”  

Writing had always been an escape for me. A place I sought to distill life events and emotions to find some definitive meaning. I hadn’t written much since the hospital, not for a lack of time but rather because I felt a profound inability to be the author of my experience. I didn’t know how to interpret what happened. The events were so confusing, the higher meaning that an author weaves his story around seemed to be missing, or at least I wasn’t able to see it. The only option I had was to write down exactly what my perspective was, without the final vision of clarity that i always imagined would come with absolute truth. 

“I just know I have to go. I have to go. It’s my only chance to chase my star, I have to go. “ Before the hospital I was determined to leave my hometown again, but I was worried. Concerned I was making irrational choices. “ I want to understand where my mind was at when I made this decision.” I thought to myself, sitting on my bed that I had recently ripped the sheets off. My room was in the unfinished basement and I stared up at the floor rafters above me. My roommate was having friends over in the living room upstairs. I heard a girl, one of his friends, but couldn’t make out what she was saying. Suddenly I heard laughter, and it broke me. It wasn’t malicious, it was friendly and warm. I wanted more than anything to go upstairs and join in, but as long as I lived in that house I never felt like I belonged. “ There’s nothing for me here.” I thought to myself. I felt the opposite of inclusion, like I literally had no belonging at all. The year and half previous of strange experiences and stranger thoughts had made isolation a familiar place. I was convinced that there was a higher purpose for my life, that I had been set apart and chose by God, as the Bible says. I certainly felt set apart. 

No one could understand. Others were, in fact, enemies of the inspiration that I was being given. Their minds had not been awoken to see the spiritual side of life, or so I was convinced. If they did see, it didn’t seem to matter as much to them as it did to me. It was a lonely road, but I was convinced there was a reason I was walking it.  

When I came to in the hospital, the first thing I remember was that I couldn’t breathe. I was laying on a table, flat on my back in the emergency room surrounded by nurses and doctors and fighting desperately for air. There was a strong pressure on my back, making it impossible for my lungs to fill with air. I arched my back and pointed out my chest, with all the symbolism of Christ on the cross, rising only to fill my chest then sink back down again. “ Stop moving!” the nurse ordered, angrily. “ i can’t breathe!” I yelled back. “ I need something under my back”. The nurse relented and though not understanding, agreed to my demands with the placement of a small wash cloth under my upper back. I said I was thirsty and they gave me ice chips. To me, this entire procedure felt like a crucifixion. I was in pain and couldn’t breathe, but the nurse helped with the wash cloth. Suddenly supported, though without any idea why I needed the support, I could breathe again. I relaxed for a moment and looked around the room. 

A nurse to my right was washing my right arm while a doctor stood over her. It was broken, I realized. Mentally, It started to click, I was in the hospital, something had happened. They started asking me questions, none of which I remember in the confusion. I asked the doctor what was going on.  

“ You fell on a train track and broke your arm and fractured your back.” Dr.McAndrew answered in a matter of fact voice. “ Can you tell me, Dr. McAndrew went on, “why you jumped on the train tracks?” I didn’t answer right away, everything was a blur.” “ I think”, I finally stammered, “ God told me to.”. The doctor shook his head then turned to a female nurse that had just entered the room. “ He says God told him to do it” he told the new nurse. McAndrew turned back to me “ This nurse will be watching you. We need to perform surgery on your arm.” I didn’t realize at the time, I was being assigned a caregiver not for the sake of hospitality, but because I was considered a suicide risk. They were still cleaning my fractured right arm when another nurse on my left offered me her hand. “ You can hold my hand, if you want.” she smiled sweetly. I reached for her hand, held it in mine and passed out on the table. 

I hadn’t lied to Dr, McAndrew, as far as I could remember, God had told me to jump on the train tracks. At least, to some extent. When I left my hometown of Springfield 2 night earlier, I had taken the greyhound bus to St. Louis. Our bus out of town was delayed, and during my time in the station I had met Sean, a mid 30′s black man who said that I was dead. “ Your mind is gone, that means you’re dead. But you’ll be alright kid, you’ll be alright.”  Another had asked if I was an angel. “ I’s just asking cuz you got that look about you like you’re supernatural, and the Bible says we entertain angels unaware.” I had said nothing unusual to either of these two to prompt their odd behavior...It had been a strange way to begin a fateful journey. 

Finally that night the bus arrived and we left for St. Louis. Exhausted, I remember feeling that the trip was not as much fun as I had expected it to be. Usually when I am moving to a new place or beginning some other life transition, I genuinely enjoy the rush and excitement of something new. This time it was different, this time I was scared. I didn’t have a phone for entertainment, as it had been acting glitchy so I threw it on the ground a few weeks earlier. Instead, I huddled up in my greyhound seat, grateful no one was next to me. I looked out my rain streaked window to find the moon, but it must have been over the bus because all I saw was rain. 

Arriving in St. Louis, I wasn’t really sure why I was there. I felt I was leaping out in faith and waiting on God to direct my steps. I went to the park to sleep for the night, after discovering a 24 hour white castle was drive thru only. 

I more waited for the sunrise than I did actually sleep at night. In the morning I wandered through downtown heading back to the greyhound station. The song lyrics “ You don’t know me but you don’t like me” was playing in my head and I sang along. I had a sense that a profound transformation was taking place within myself, but couldn’t describe it. I was helpless to direct it either, but it felt like I was being tossed around by whatever arbitrary sign the universe or my own mind wanted to throw at me. 

With no home to go back to, I wasn’t sure my next steps. I had come to the city for two reasons, firstly because months earlier a church group I belonged to mentioned that there were rap battles in St Louis. I had convinced myself that my path would be like Eminem in 8 mile, that I would walk into a room of battle rappers and just blow them away with divine inspiriation. Still, although it was a strongly held delusion of mine, after a day in the city I didn’t see a direct line to it. There were no bars or clubs that I was aware where I could perform. 

The second reason I had come to the city was because of its title as “ Gateway to the west.” There were more bus routes and trains leaving St. Louis to anywhere in the country than I had access to in Springfield. I finally realized that I didn’t have to do this, that I could go anywhere that amtrak or greyhound station connected to and God’s will would find me. I wondered if this made me like Jonah, and if I was in fact running from God and my mission to preach the gospel of Christ as I knew it.. Really I guess I was just being dumb and impulsive. I had $500 and decided to buy a ticket to Portland Oregon. Suddenly this was a journey about coming home. I had grown up in Oregon when I was 5, and the thought of returning was extremely exciting. i was going to simply wait for my train in the station, when a security guard demanded to see my ticket, saying there was a two hour limit for customers. My train wasn’t leaving for six. A brief argument ensued, and the security guy won. I left the station as he advised that would “ be the smart thing to do.” 

Unsure what I would do for the next several hours. 

After leaving the station, I was amped up because of the confrontation with the security guard. I guess I’d been a bit of a smart ass, but I was direct and truthful in what I said. It felt like a superpower and I was tripping off the energy of it. No one can make me feel bad if I don’t let them, was the basis of the realization and power that I felt. I saw a cable van that said “ be careful around electricity.” and I immediately applied it to the incident with the security guy. I would have to be careful with this new energy. 

 I saw a St. Louis city work vehicle, it’s work number #667 identifying it on the license plate. At that point in time, I had made the number 67 my God. The Bible said that in the end times, the number of the beast would be 666. In my psychotic state, I paid extreme attention to numbers. Whether it was addresses, phone numbers or grocery store totals, I seemed to be followed around by 667 or 67. If 666 was the number of the beast, I imagined 777 would be God’s numbers so being told that my number was 667 seemed to fit. That I was awash with sin, a mortal man, one step away from the great beast, but with one single digit that signified the redemption of God. Surely 67 was the number that suited me, a bringing together of my good and bad qualities to form a cohesive, redeemed identity. I would make decisions based on this number, determine if I was “ following the path” based on where and how often it would come up. Seeing the St Louis city truck with that number, when I had already decided to leave set me back. “Maybe I am supposed to stay here.” I thought to myself. I went back to the greyhound station and cancelled my ticket. 

Once out of the station, I was feeling euphorically happy, although still just as aimless. I was so enthusiastic, I begin to dance by myself in front of the greyhound station. “ Stop, you’ll be arrested” a small voice seemed to whisper in my ear. I wasn’t dancing too bizarrely that security would mind, but being that I felt aligned with God, it made sense that the enemy of this world would be looking to destroy me.  

I gathered my things and  wandered the streets downtown for a while, finally ending up at a bus stop when it began to rain. 

Here is where my mind really begin to fail me. Prior to this point I held a lot of unsubstantiated beliefs, but it was over those last 24 hours things started to go haywire. I was praying, intensely, asking why God had led me to St. louis. My thoughts were coming at a rapid rate, so quickly it was hard to identify where they were coming from. All I was sure of is they were not mine. I would be walking down the street and something would tell me “ pick up that hat on the ground, put it on.” i would notice the tag would have a number like 3343 which would add up to 67 and it would set my mind spinning on if that was God telling me to put the hat on and if there was a deeper meaning.

 I never actually heard any voices, but the thoughts in my own head had a life of their own.  As I sat in that bus stop, the thoughts kept coming faster and faster. I saw a father pull up with his family in a small car. It was pouring rain and as I watched him hold the umbrella for his wife, then open up the rear door and take his child from their car seat, it broke something inside of me again and I started crying. Why was I so different? Why couldn’t I be a father and have a family that I loved? I felt so distant from everyone. “ Go to Oregon Sam, I’ll be waiting for you on the becah.” The thought popped into my head and I didn’t know what to do with it. “ I only want what God has for me!” i shouted back in my own mind, trying to find contentment and peace of mind. What followed was an intense battle with my own mind mocking me as I insisted on peace and higher purpose. Never before had my own thoughts antagonized me so directly, calling me names and shouting curses.  The sign at the bus stop said “ hold until safe” and that was exactly what I intended to do- to hold myself until I felt safe again or the thoughts calmed down. It felt like my mind was melting.

I can do this thing, and I’m not sure if it’s common or not where I can empty my mind completely and not think when I went to. I can simply shut off my thoughts. I think I did that then after a while and just watched the rain. 

I noticed two people walk by during this time. The first was a rough looking, ghetto type character with sunglasses and flashy dress. He motioned for me to follow him, and in the midst of the mental war that my mind was going through I imagined him to be the devil. I shook my head and the man tossed his hand, waving it in a “ you ain’t shit.” kind of way and he walked off. I was relieved, but wondered what purpose my life would now have not in the devils employ. The second person to walk by I barely noticed as I wasn’t facing him when he did. He was on his cell phone, and I only heard him say” metro station.” Immediately I got up and followed him, figuring maybe I would take a train back to the greyhound station. I still had all my bags with me at this point while I bought my ticket, went down the stairs and stood on the metro platform. 

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 2 Confessionals

who is bryce and how long has he been on this tribe

so my daughter emma left and im the only one who stood by her side. i still have lexi on my side. hopefully adam, jordan pines (shocking) and jay. im mostly working with jordan and jay bcuz they might know lexi and i are friends. considering i was in the india reuinon chat and kicked from it on and off for weeks. also katie is in this game and i know she's bffls with adam, so i wanna work with him to keep that door open. and katie is also bffs with jordan so ILL GIVE THAT LITTLE PINES BOY A CHANCE

Me forgetting to make a confessional doesn't surprise me. Anyway I got an advantage from the wishing well thing and I'm shook that it worked to get half the tribe on call

I think I made a pretty good connection with Chris, especially based on the fact that we are in 2 orgs together. I would like to align with one more person and make it an alliance of 3, so when I get the chance to talk to Chris, that could hopefully be set up. I want to be a bit more straightforward with my goals in this org unlike in some of the previous ones I have played recently. I've been waiting for someone to come to me but maybe if I go to a couple people, they will respect and trust me more because I want to align with them. It worked well with Chris. Also everyone listen to this goddess sing: 

So, usually i don't make confessionals, because thats lame, but my boy RTP needs them. So what can I say, I'm a giver. Anyways round 1 is fine. I have a few different alliances, each sort of mixing with the other. I got a 1 on 1 of me and adam. I got a 3 person one of me Luke and Jay. And I think I am working with Ryan and Willa. Separately of course. Anyways i'm not too worried about going home. I just hope we win shit soon.

Okay fake friends!! No one though to inform me about the idol map thing JKDSFJK. I don't even quiet get it AAAAAAAA. I searched somewhere but don't think I got a response so I think I'm wrong. Also we won the first challenge yay!! I'm really scared to go to tribal b/c I don't think I'm in a majority. I want to make an alliance with like carson, charlotte, zachary, katie but I think its too soon??? But that's what people who wait to long say so idk SDDSHFSf. Taylor Swift's new song came out earlier and its so good. Its also everywhere??? Like on so many promotional things and ads shes really getting her business. The reward challenge is usually something I'd like but I finally fixed my sleeping schedule and its about to get ruined again probably. I'm so tired but I want to win. The wishing well is also strange. I didn't get chosen this time and no one told me they did either so yikes :s! Here's hoping things look less grim.

okay i really like carson. he's really fun and probably the person im closest with. I want to work with as well, Willow. she's a queen! WOO ill make a longer one soon i promise

Congrats to me for not being the first boot. That'll have to do for my first confessional I'll do a real one later Ryan please don't yell at me.

I GET SLEEP YES. Sad I didn't get it but tbh idc. I am SO tired and now I don't have to stay up. Gonna finis the Great British Bake Off episode I'm on and them I'll be counting sheep! Hope my tribe wins <3

I dreamed a dream that I searched for the idol apparently. BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY DSFJKSFKJFK. I don't understand why I'm like this but I'm cracking up and apparently imagining I searched Churup HSFJKDFsKJF

Just occured to me that hosts see these live not at the end of the season so now I'm extra embarrassed SJDKFS

I love how we're doing every challenge I hate!!! We won reward tho and got another shot at the wishing well but I didn't find anything again lol. I am stressed for this challenge but hope their teams just like talks or something and gets kicked.

heyyyy im back! after we won immunity (bless), i kinda just.. .stopped talking to ppl but everyone else stopped talking so its fine and idc! emma got voted out and im PRETTY sure i dont know them so idc. i know willa so im happy they stayed over emma. then came the reward, where ryan slung a ball we had to catch it to open treasure chests, and we dominated ! (well not we, but the rest of my tribe), they got 4/6 balls and charlotte managed to open the chest so we won reward and a visit to the wishing well! at the wishing well, i chose #9 bc... it SPOKE to me, and... [9:15:58 AM] Ryan Palmer: Congratulations! You have earned yourself a task from the well. Once you complete this task to the hosts appeasement you may earn a special reward. This task may put you at risk if you complete it so make sure to cover all of your bases. The next Immunity Challenge will be one where you have to earn points as individuals for your tribe. Your task is to make sure you do not earn any points for your tribe, you must earn 0 points. In addition to that there will be a rule about talking in the chat, right after your tribe has earned points you need to post a comment of celebration in the chat. You may write whatever you want, but you will then be removed from the chat. If you complete this task during the Immunity Challenge then you will earn a special reward. If you do not complete this task you will earn nothing. [9:16:02 AM] carson: SDJKSDJKSDJKSDJK [9:16:11 AM] carson: Me being one of the onl;y people to not do anything during the Reward [9:16:12 AM] carson: BYE [9:16:34 AM] carson: Also Ryan ur giving me All Stars teas.... [9:16:37 AM] carson: *cvc [9:16:40 AM] carson: I literally [9:16:43 AM] carson: SFJKSDKSDJK GOD I HATE THISSSS [9:16:47 AM] Ryan Palmer: :) [9:16:52 AM] carson: THis is literally the Same as CvC SO i HAVE AN ADVANTAGE CLUE... and the challenge is one of the task challenges and these are my favorite types of challenges and im rlly mad i dont get to play!!! this reward BETTER be good... (also me not helping in the challenge, but still getting the reward sdlsks) and im having flashbacks from failing this kinda clue in challengers vs champions, so i wanna redeem myself and get the advantage! im still gonna try and fake like im doing it, by answering questions wrong etc, but then ill randomly celebrate in the wrong chat accidentally (while we'rei n the lead bc im not gonna try and lose this SDjksdkj) !! hopefully it goes well and im not exposed and we dont lose immunity. also, nor eal updates on this tribe. chris barely talks which im assuming is bc hes busy but still!!! idk who to work with, so i guess ill wait for a tribal?? kinda wanna get an alliance together soon though idk

Im gonna be bomb at this comp n here is why eg. Q: who won Bahamas? A: *me in 0.2sec* Zach won Bahamas!!!! Yes I submitted this as a VLconf too don't @me...

I'm good at puzzles??? But I'm not I guess DSFKJSF

My ADD made it almost impossible to keep up with this high speed challenge so I kept /leave on my message box the whole time hoping it would become an option to get points... man I'm a smarty pants and also now I get to sleep!

I am so stressed for tribal. I think I have something good with Carson and Zachary but I still need two votes hopefully Willow and Charlotte vote with me and we can do Eric or Chris. Chris doesn't respond to my messages ever so I'd prefer to do that honestly but idk I am just hoping it works out

Willow told me she heard Chris's name and im like "HELLL NAW IM NOT VOTING CHRIS BAI." I need Willow, and I need Chris, and there is no way either of us 3 are going to go this tribal.

So I talked to Willow and she's like "my two top allies blah blah blah. Anonymous blah blah blah" and I'm thinking to myself, "Why would you tell me that someone other than me is your top ally. You could of had me sold if you said I was your only top ally." Now I know there is someone you might keep over me." And I have strong suspicions that her top ally that isn't me is 1 of these 3: Katie, Carson, Charlotte. Either way, I am going to remember what Willow said if we are ever in merge together and I need to think about saving her or someone else, especially if one of these suspicions are in merge with us.

SO WE WON IMMUNITY! Even without help from Jay, Lexi and Willa the rest of us killed the challenge and took home immunity. I'm so happy that we won immunity because Willa was looking like he'd be the  next person to go and I kind of don't want that? I know it puts me in a pretty precarious spot with my alliance since they agreed it's probably best if Willa leaves next. If I can't save Willa at all then I'll vote him out but if I can save him that would be GREAT for me. I want to get closer to Ryan and Adam. Adam and I talked during the first tribal council and we're both pretty straight forward thinkers and know what's best for the tribe so I'm interested with working with him. Ryan is someone who I really want to work with and he's close with Lexi which means I might have to vote her out so that he'll fully trust me?? Idk we'll see. I've been thinking about what Ulta will do at tribal because if a winner from that tribe ends up leaving and then we swap and I end up on an Ulta dominated tribe...that's bad news for me. 

So I think I'll get at least one vote here. But I feel good with my alliance that they'll have my back. I trust carson the most, then charlotte, then zachary, but I trust them all so that's good.  I think  Willow and Eric are together but I don't think they'll be able to get chris and Katie on their side. Willow wanting chris is also pretty bad so idk I think I'm safe at least I hope so cuz I'm really starting to enjoy the cast and season!! Should be a 7-1 or 6-2 or 6-1-1 vote hopefully and then 4-4 at worst

we;ll.... we lost badly!! AND I DIDNT GET MY REWARD FROM WISHING WELL BC WE FLOPPED TOO MUCH... but that dont matter, tribals more important, and chris was the plan to go... UNTIL!!! today, eric told chris that chris was going and if he wanted to stay to vote out bryce. like??? What kinda crackedt world do you live in where u threaten someone to vote someone so they  can stay SDJHDSJ (also returnee alliance made between me/zach/charlotte/bryce YES.) so... chris snitched (king) eric out and so we want eric out now... bc hes playing way too hard. NOW HE WANTS TO VOTE CHARLOTTE OUT TOO WHICH>>> SDKJSDKJ. i see why he went premerge so many times right now. like... if you try something over and over, and it doesn't work. take another LOOK!! but whatever i could be getting bamboozled but the plan is to get out eric bc he blew up his game by scrambling with little numbers, and withholding info (like telling bryce that he should vote charlotte and he couldnt tell him why but hed give him 3 rounds of safety DSJKSJK...) hopefully im not being dumb and im actually right. (also im actually... strategizing and forming social bonds oh wow! survivor is actually fun when you play it.) lets pray for no blindside of me or anyone... and lets get through this! http://photos.costume-works.com/full/furby.jpg

i just heard carsons voice on live tribal council and like i knew he was in high school but omg he sounds like such a smol baby and i need to protect him