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suituuup · 4 years

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unspoken 4/4

On the second day of her fourth and last year at Barden, Chloe meets an oddly quiet girl and finds herself drawn to her despite her silence. Asperger’s Beca.

rating: T

word count: 3,600

ao3 link

Cries crackle through the babyphone, cutting through Beca’s dream. Her eyes blink open and she feels her wife shift beside her, a soft sigh carrying above the cries.

“I’ll get her,” Beca murmurs, dropping a kiss to Chloe’s shoulder before slipping out of bed.

“Thanks, babe,” Chloe calls after her as Beca sleep-laden limbs drag her across the hall.

Despite the ungodly hour and how exhausted Beca feels, a soft smile pulls at her lips as she bends over the railing and gently plucks her daughter from the crib.

“It’s okay Peanut,” she whispers, brushing a kiss behind her ear. She carries her to the bedroom just as Chloe sits up, transferring her into Chloe’s arms. Spencer latches onto Chloe’s boob right away, her cries quieting down to soft, content coos.

The baby wraps her tiny hand around Beca’s pointer finger as she feeds, and Beca isn’t sure how much more cuteness her heart can take before it bursts.

It had never crossed Beca’s mind before she and Chloe’s relationship got serious that she would ever become a mom. Beca had lived in her own bubble until then, spending most of her life alone. Not being able to really speak from age 5 to 18 prevented her from bonding with anyone, and she’d never imagined she would fall in love, let alone make someone fall in love with her.

But Chloe… she wasn’t just someone. She managed to see past Beca’s social challenges and accepted Beca’s unconventional comfort zone instead of coaxing her out of it like people had tried to in the past, starting with her dad, who never attempted to understand her.

Beca trusts her wife with everything she has, so when Chloe told her she was convinced Beca would be an amazing mom despite her autism, Beca believed her.

Over the course of Chloe’s pregnancy, Beca became hyper-focused on everything she could learn about babies and motherhood. Some things could naturally only be learned through practice, but knowledge has always been her way to keep her fears to a minimum.

And when Spencer came into the world, Beca learned another way to love that is beyond what she’d ever felt before. For someone who had spent most of her life being told she didn’t feel like others typically do, Beca was terrified she wouldn’t be able to love her own child the way she was supposed to.

But as soon as she held her daughter in her arms that day, it was instant and overwhelming, and to this day the best thing Beca’s ever experienced.

As they’re taking interview after interview to find a nanny for Spencer before Chloe’s maternity leave is over, Beca brings up her desire to start working from home, and take care of Spencer while Chloe’s at work.

Chloe’s favorite part of the day is whenever she gets to come home to her family. Beca is usually cooking dinner while Spencer does what fifteen-month-olds usually get up to, like playing with her cubes, crawling at full speed to stuff she’s not supposed to get into (ie: Chloe’s make-up bag) and making cooking anything a challenging affair, or chatting to herself.

Tonight, Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere is playing throughout the house from their expensive wireless speaker (Beca doesn’t kid about music-related stuff so the sound is incredible) and Chloe toes off her shoes before padding to the kitchen. She stops around the corner, a wide grin breaking across her face when she sees Spencer dancing in the middle of the room in nothing but her diaper, while her wife sings along to the lyrics with a spatula as her pretend-microphone.

Chloe’s caught filming half a minute later, flush rushing to meet Beca’s cheeks when she sees they have an audience. Chloe laughs and pockets her phone (that video is definitely going up on social media later) just as Spencer whirls around when she realizes her mama’s attention shifted to something else.

“Mamamamama,” Spencer babbles, toddling over and extending her arms up towards Chloe. They’re both mama for now, and are not pushing Spencer to call one of them mommy, figuring she’ll decide on her own later on.

“Hello my sweet girl,” Chloe gushes, blowing a raspberry into Spencer’s neck and drawing a giggle from her daughter. “I’ve missed you.”

“Mama dance,” Spencer requests, and Chloe can’t say no to those sparkling blue eyes. Not that she’ll ever say no to dancing, anyway.

She takes Spencer’s left hand and starts to sway to the music, her daughter’s delighted laughter filling the kitchen. Chloe stops once she’s standing near her wife, leaning over to press a kiss to her lips. “Hello.”

“Hey you,” Beca greets with a grin. “Good day?”

“Mhm. Glad to be home.”

As Chloe suspected, Beca is an amazing mom, if not a little bit overbearing sometimes. She shields Spencer a bit too much, while Chloe is the type of parent who lets her kid fall down or take a tumble whilst discovering new things.

So when Spencer trips at the park under Beca’s supervision a few months later, resulting in a trip to the ER, Beca is a mess. Upon getting to the hospital with Aubrey, Chloe is told they had to restrain and tranquilize her wife as she had started hitting herself and spiraling.

“Restrained?” Chloe echoes in shock.

“The psychiatrist on call has been paged, ma’am.”

Anger bubbles up Chloe’s frame. “She doesn’t need a freakin’ psychiatrist, she has autism!” She pinches the bridge of her nose, blowing out a breath. “Can you just… take me to her?”

While Aubrey stays with Spencer, Chloe is taken to the room her wife’s kept in. She strides over to the bed, laying a hand over Beca’s. “Oh my god, baby…”

It hasn’t happened often in the decade Chloe’s known Beca, but she knows from Beca’s blank look that she has shut down.

“Can you please untie her?” She asks the nurse, tears rising to her eyes. “It’s only making it worse. I promise she won’t hit herself while I’m here.”

“Ma’am…”

“I’m--I’m not a f-freak,” Beca’s voice trembles, barely audible.

The words break Chloe’s heart into a hundred little pieces. She hastily sits down on the edge of the bed before her legs give out on her, sliding her hand into Beca’s. “Of course not, my love. Nobody thinks that, I promise.”

“Chlo,” she croaks out, panicky eyes fleeting from Chloe to her hands. “I want out.”

Ignoring the nurse’s protests about calling security, Chloe quickly unfastens the soft restraints and climbs onto the bed, pulling Beca into her arms and brushing a kiss to her forehead. “You’re okay, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s a long while before Beca is able to talk. “Is Spence okay?”

“She’s fine, Aubrey’s with her.”

“I-I looked away for a s-second.”

“I know, babe. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

“O-okay. Can we go home?” She croaks out. “I just wanna go h-home.”

“Yeah, we can go home.”

Spencer conks out on the ride home. After putting her to bed for a pre-dinner nap, Chloe heads to the master bedroom to find Beca lying on her side with her back to the door. She crawls across the mattress and spoons her from behind, pressing a kiss to her covered shoulder.

“She’ll fall and hurt herself many more times, without it necessarily being our fault, babe,” she murmurs. “It’s what kids do, and you have nothing to blame yourself for.”

Beca sucks in a sharp breath. “When it happened-- I completely lost my footing. I panicked. Another mom had to call a cab for me b-because I-I couldn’t. Everyone was looking-- judging.”

“I’m so sorry,” Chloe whispers, squeezing Beca’s waist. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re an amazing mom and you do so much for Spencer, even things that are extremely difficult for you, like going to sensory overload places like the playground. I’m in awe of you every single day, Bec.”

The door creaks open before Beca can reply, and Chloe glances over her shoulder to see Spencer toddling in.

“Hey munchkin,” she greets softly, rolling onto her back as Spencer climbs onto the bed with some difficulty.

She’s sporting a large band aid across her forehead. “Mama okay?”

Beca smiles. “Mama’s fine, Peanut. C’mere.”

Spencer snuggles into her side, unknowingly stitching the cracks in Beca’s heart back up through her affection and unspoken love.

“We’ll be back at three, alright?” Beca says, smoothing her palms over the lapels of Spencer’s coat.

“Yes, Mama.”

Beca musters a smile, even though her heart feels extremely heavy this morning. It’s Spencer’s first day of school, which means she won’t be spending the day at home, and Beca is already experiencing separation anxiety.

She’s also scared Spencer might have a hard time at school, just like she did. The fear is most likely triggered by her own PTSD because there’s no reason her bright and socially able daughter doesn’t make friends.

“I gotta go,” the four-year-old announces, glancing over her shoulder as her classmates enter the building.

“I know, I know.” Beca swallows the lump in her throat and hugs Spencer tight. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” She hugs Chloe next, whispering the same before happily bouncing to the entrance.

“She’ll be fine,” Chloe murmurs, her hand sliding inside Beca’s as soon as she pushes to her feet.

“I know. I just--” Beca sighs. “I’m gonna miss her.”

“I know.” Chloe presses a kiss to her cheek. “Let’s go home. I’m sure I can come up with a few ways to distract you until three.”

Beca flushes hard at the innuendo, breaking eye-contact while Chloe simply cackles.

“What do you say, Spence?”

Sheepish blue eyes flick up to meet Chloe’s, before they move back to Andrew. “Thank you!” She pads to her pile of gifts and sets the newest wrapped present on the table, standing on the tip of her toes to reach.

“Wow, you and Beca sure know how to throw an awesome party,” Andrew’s mom comments with an impressed sort of nod as Spencer and her son hurry to meet the other kids inside the blow-up T-Rex taking a third of their backyard.

Spencer has been obsessed with dinosaurs for the past year, so it was only natural she’d want that theme for her birthday party. It became Beca’s near sole-focus for the last four months, as she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. To her credit, it really was.

“Yeah, my wife really outdid herself,” Chloe says with a smile, her eyes doing a quick sweep of the small crowd to track down Beca even though she knows Beca is probably in the backstage section of the event. “I’m going to see if she needs a hand. Help yourself to drinks and food, Caroline.”

Chloe heads back inside the house and rounds the corner to the kitchen to find Beca staring at the cake with a frown on her face.

“Everything okay, babe?”

“I forgot to buy candles,” Beca mutters.

“Oh, well I think we have some over here,” Chloe says, stepping further inside the kitchen and standing on the tip of her toes to reach the top cupboard. “Ah-ha, here you go.”

Beca wrinkles her nose as she takes them, then shakes her head faintly, and it’s like Chloe can read her thoughts. There’s something that doesn’t sit right with those specific ones, but Beca will use them anyway because she feels ridiculous about being so picky.

After eleven years together, Chloe knows what can trigger Beca’s Aspie side, and one look at the cake tells her what’s wrong.

“Aubrey isn’t here yet, I’ll tell her to stop on the way to buy green candles, ‘K?”

Green so they can match the dinosaur on the cake and not pink like the only ones they have.

“N-no, it’s not--it’s not--” Beca lets out a frustrated sigh, her nails digging into her palms. It seems to take a lot of internal debating until she can finally utter out, “It’s not a big deal.”

“Neither is Aubrey stopping on the way to buy candles, I promise,” Chloe assures Beca, stepping closer to rest a hand on her lower back. Chloe’s touch has always been one of the things that ground Beca, and her shoulders slump as she puffs out a breath.

“Okay. Thank you.”

Chloe smiles. “Spence is having so much fun. You really threw an amazing party.” She leans in to kiss Beca’s cheek, rubbing her back. “Wanna join us outside?”

She feels Beca’s muscles tense under her palm as Beca purses her lips, eyes flicking towards the window. No matter how much social progress she’s made since Chloe walked into her life, she’s still shy around near-strangers and sensory sensitive. A bunch of loud and hyperactive children can be a meltdown trigger. “Um, maybe in a little bit.”

“Okay. No pressure.”

Beca only comes outside when it’s time for the cake, retreating inside after Spencer blows her candles. Chloe didn’t think until now that Spencer really notices Beca doesn’t act like her friends’ parents, but she’s proven wrong later that day as she helps her daughter carry her presents to her bedroom.

“Mommy, why is Mama different?”

Chloe pauses, setting the pile of boxes on the floor and joining Spencer at the foot of the bed.

“Mama has something called autism, baby. It means that her brain interprets things differently than you and it can make it hard for her to talk, listen, understand, play, and learn. That’s why she’s sometimes in her own world, or why she doesn’t like to interact with people.”

“Oh,” Spencer lets out, clearly mulling it over. She eventually looks to Chloe and asks, “Is it dangerous? Like cancer?”

“No, absolutely not. Mama is very healthy.”

Spencer’s shoulders slump, and she musters a smile, nodding. “Okay.”

Smiling as well, Chloe pushes Spencer’s hair back from her forehead. “She loves you so much, sweetheart.”

“I know. I don’t care that she’s different, I was just wondering why.”

After tucking her daughter in, Chloe pads downstairs and into the living-room, where Beca is reading on the couch. She hums when Chloe curls up into her side, freeing her arm to wrap it around Chloe’s back. “All good?”

“Mhm, yeah. She had fun today. You threw an amazing party.” Chloe lifts her head from Beca’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Beca nods. “Sorry I didn’t socialize much, I-- It was a lot.”

“That’s okay. There’s nothing to apologize for.” She nuzzles Beca’s cheek. “You know I don’t mind entertaining people.”

Beca chuckles. “Oh, I know. Sometimes I wonder how someone as talkative as you fell for a girl who could barely put a sentence together.”

“Opposites attract, I guess?”

Beca simply hums, feathering the tips of her fingers up and down Chloe’s arm. Chloe decides to keep Spencer’s question for herself, knowing Beca might feel self-conscious about their daughter noticing her unusual personality.

Beca is the one to break the silence. “Do you ever think about having another kid?”

Her question makes Chloe’s thud harder, and she lifts her head from Beca’s shoulder to look at her. “Do you?”

Beca snickers. “I asked first.”

“Yeah, I do,” Chloe replies with a smile. “I’ve actually been experiencing quite the baby fever ever since Samuel was born.” Her godson, Aubrey’s four months old baby boy. “We still have three vials from Spencer’s sperm donor.”

Beca looks at her with sparkling eyes. “Are you okay with carrying again?”

“I am, but are you sure you don’t want to?” She knows Beca is sceptical, concerned about giving their baby autism even though Chloe has assured her many times it wouldn’t be a problem if that were the case.

“Yes. I’ve given it some thought and-- I just don’t see myself being pregnant.”

“Okay,” Chloe agrees quietly, reaching up to cradle Beca’s cheek. She kisses her softly, grinning. “I’m really excited.”

“Me, too.”

Chloe’s been acting weird ever since they left Beca’s work Christmas party.

She doesn’t say anything on the cab ride back, and heads directly to their bedroom when they reach home. Beca pays the sitter and goes to check on Spencer to make sure she’s still asleep.

“Chlo?” She calls out softly as she lingers in the bedroom doorway, watching for a moment as Chloe takes off her earrings and her watch. Her confusion only enhances when Chloe doesn’t answer, triggering a wave of anxiety. She’s never been good at picking up on other people’s emotions, but after living over a decade with Chloe, she can tell when something is off. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Chloe mutters. She reaches behind her to undo her zipper, but can’t quite reach. “Can you give me a hand?”

Beca crosses the room to step behind her, dragging the zipper down. She searches Chloe’s eyes in the mirror, bracing her hands over Chloe’s upper arms. “Talk to me? Please?”

“She likes you,” Chloe eventually provides, turning around and sitting on the edge of her vanity. “It’s pretty obvious to anyone watching.”

“W-who does?”

“Amanda,” Chloe says. Beca’s new assistant at the label. “She was flirting with you all night.”

“I…” Beca’s eyebrows knit together as she thinks back to the party. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure, yeah.” She sighs, her eyes softening as she slides her hands into Beca’s. “And I don’t want to be jealous, because I know you’re just oblivious when it comes to that sort of stuff, but it’s not… exactly easy to watch someone so attractive flirt so openly with your wife.”

Guilt coils in Beca’s belly. “I’m sorry, I-I had no idea.”

“I know that, and I don’t want you to beat yourself up for it, alright? I’m sorry I gave you the cold shoulder instead of telling you right away. I think my pregnancy hormones are just making me more possessive than usual.” She scrunches up her nose. “I was ready to pounce on the woman.”

Beca giggles at the imagery, leaning forward and burying her face into Chloe’s neck. Her arms wrap loosely around her wife’s waist as she remains close for a few beats, basking in her proximity.

“I’ll talk to her,” she murmurs. “Let her know I’m definitely not interested.”

“Are you sure you’re comfortable to do that?”

Beca lifts her head, grimacing. “Can’t I write her a card?”

Chloe’s laughter chases away that guilt and Beca finally relaxes. “Sure.”

Beca’s hand curves around the gentle swell of Chloe’s belly. “You said Amanda was attractive but I frankly have no clue what she was even wearing because I was too obsessed with how beautiful you looked tonight. I honestly don’t even remember what she and I talked about.” She kisses Chloe gently, resting her forehead against hers. “I love you. Every time I think about you throughout the day, which happens a lot by the way, I feel like I need to pinch myself. Sometimes I think about seventeen-year-old me watching people date in high-school and feeling sad that she’d never get to know that. I wish I could go back to tell her that it’s all going to be okay, that somewhere down the line, she’ll meet this incredible human being who won’t make fun of her for not being able to talk, someone who will be amazingly patient and understanding with her aspie side and who will love her with her whole heart.”

Beca sometimes has trouble finding the right words, but not tonight. They just pour out of her heart, like they often do when it comes to Chloe.

“Bec,” Chloe croaks out, reaching up to cradle her jaw. Her eyes are misty with unshed tears and she puffs out a breath. “You suck for making me cry.”

Beca laughs, pressing a few kisses to Chloe’s exposed collarbone as she hugs her. “Let’s go to bed, wife.”

Chloe is completely and utterly exhausted, but the happiness radiating through her whole body makes it totally worth it.

She glances down to Elliot, rubbing her palm over his stomach. “Are you ready to meet your big sister?”

The door opens a couple minutes later, Beca walking in with Spencer. The six-year-old gasps softly, her eyes alight with wonder as Beca picks her up so she can take her first look at her baby brother.

“He’s got the same hair as me,” she observes with a smile. Chocolate hair, like Beca. Spencer had Chloe’s eyes, and Chloe was looking forward to finding out which shade their little boy would end up sporting. “He’s so little, Mommy.”

“He is,” Chloe murmurs. “Do you wanna hold him?” Spencer’s head bobs up and down in an excited nod. “Alright, go sit in the chair over there.”

Beca sets her down and grabs the nursing pillow off the foot of Chloe’s bed, setting it on Spencer’s lap once she’s all settled. She carefully plucks the newborn from Chloe’s arms and sets him down on the pillow, crouching in front of the chair as she keeps her hand under his head to support it. “What do you think, Spence?”

“He’s so cute,” Spencer gushes, her reaction bringing fresh tears to Chloe’s eyes. She grabs her phone off the table and snaps a few pictures of her family, smiling widely. “When’s he coming home?”

“In a couple days,” Beca says. “We might need your help to read him stories or sing him to sleep.”

Spencer nods dutifully. “K.”

Compared to Spencer, Elliot is a heavy sleeper so far, which is pretty great because Chloe feels like she could sleep for days. She wakes up bleary eyed one afternoon after a nap, her son or wife nowhere in sight.

Following the soft voices and coos carrying from the living room, Chloe ventures down the hall, stopping in the doorway as a soft smile slips on her lips.

Elliot is chilling on his playmat while Beca and Spencer color on the floor next to him, oblivious to Chloe’s presence.

Chloe observes them for a moment, her heart fit to burst as she realizes how perfect her little family is, and how far Beca has come.

#bechloe #bechloe fic #beca mitchell #chloe beale

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amlovelies · 4 years

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rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better

tagged by: @heartbrreak (thank you ☺)

tagging : hmmmm off the top of my head (and some newer mutuals who I don’t know very well yet) @lilyoffandoms, @pearlsandsteel, @southernvampire, @tuomniia, @mepheesto, @nerdferatum, @detectivewiseman @keybleminded and @wayhavensmasonsbitch (no pressure!) and anyone who wants to do this!

name/nickname: aml, it’s my initials. Fun fact I used to go by my middle name growing up, but stopped once I moved out on my own at 18. Bonus, it’s almost impossible for anyone from high school to find me now✨

gender: uhhhhhh let’s come back to this one in a couple months and maybe I’ll have an answer.

star sign: pisces sun, cancer moon and rising. I’m a watery bitch

height: 5′7″

time: 8:02pm

birthday: march 6

favorite bands: hmmm the maine, sleeping at last, all time low, florence and the machine, circa survive, fall out boy, fleetwood mac, (fuck it, I’ll say it) one direction, the gaslight anthem, thrice, dashboard confessional

favorite solo artists: hozier, niall horan, taylor swift, (oh wow I sound so basic), reba mcentire, pam tillis,

song stuck in my head: living dead girl by rob zombie

last movie: wonder woman 1984. yeah.

last show: finished season 4 of Big Mouth, and now we are watching Jeopardy for our dinner show. I don’t really watch much tv or movies anymore tbh

when did you create this blog: 2012 😬 and I’ve never changed my url (mostly because I’m too lazy)

what do I post: things that make me laugh, mental health stuff, in the last few months I’ve been actually posting my writing so that’s new and scary, but has been really rewarding. So much fandom stuff. lots of wayhaven some fhr and dragon age

last thing googled: lyrics to the song just fucking let me love you by Lowen

do I get asks: yes 😭 and I love you all so much for sending them to me

why I chose my url: it’s a handle I’ve had since high school. in art class we used to have to mark our pottery with our initials, and I started drawing a little heart after mine and that kinda morphed into amlovelies

following: 388, but i think like half of them are probably dead--I’m just too lazy to go through and unfollow

followers: 578 see above

average hours of sleep: It try and let myself get 8, but I have periods of pretty bad insomnia so sometimes it’s only 3-4/fitful tossing and turning type sleep.

lucky number: 6

instruments: I can do a little piano and guitar, but it never really clicked for me. I still find it relaxing though, and I should do it more often

what am I wearing: sweatpants and a t-shirt. I am always captain sweatpants when I’m at home.

dream job: who dreams of labor? But honestly probably writing or working at the aquarium

dream trip: a river cruise down the amazon

last book I read: the way to rainy mountain by n. scott momaday

favorite food: my grandma’s spinach quiche

nationality: american 😬

favorite song: when I was 18 I decided my answer for this would be Film Noir by the Gaslight Anthem which is what I usually go with because I tend to just go through intense phases where I listen to a song on repeat. This week it’s Vice by Miranda Lambert btw

top three fictional universes: middle earth, star wars, thedas

#thank you for tagging me!#here let me overshare on the internet!#anyways #tag games #heartbrreak

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lonelyreputation · 4 years

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Landslide (College AU)

A/N: Hello! Hello! This idea just kinda popped into my head listening to some good ole Fleetwood Mac and really wanting to curate a story around a central lyric! I haven’t written in a long long time, so I’m still trying to re-find ym footing and get back into the swing of things! so I hope you all enjoy!! Thanks a million!! (come chat if you’d like)

warnings: angst, mentions of anxiety, mention/allusion to sex (but no smut is directly written)

Word Count: 8.5K

The sun felt soft against your skin and the grass beneath you tickled your ankles. The sweet smell of spring was present and so were the sounds of children laughing while running around the park.

Laying on the grass with your arms tucked behind your head in the park was your ideal Saturday. Nothing beat the natural endorphins that came from being outside. The outdoors was something you treasured and never took for granted, but there was something in the pit of your stomach that you couldn’t quite place the feeling of. A secret message that your body was trying to communicate with you, but you didn’t know how to decode it.

The feeling in your stomach came in and out like ocean tides, but you never paid any attention to it. You felt content with everything in your life and there wasn’t a thing you wanted change.

You took a deep breath, trying to breathe in as much of the fresh spring air as possible, and let it out slowly.

“Hey, sleepy.”

You opened one eye and saw your boyfriend upside down waving and smiling with a blanket in his hand. A smile graced your lips as you closed both eyes shut before opening them slowly to adjust to the brightness of the sun.

You lifted your head slightly, moved your arms from behind your head, and sat yourself up with your legs sticking straight out, “You’re a bit late.”

Shawn rolled his eyes as he leaned down to press a quick peck to your lips as a greeting, “Had to run some errands for my mom.” He straightened up and then shook the blanket out before spreading it out on the grass. Once he sat down on the blanket, he took his time gazing at you with admiration in his eyes. You were sure you mirrored his look.

He patted the spot next to him, “Come here.”

You stretched your legs before getting up and walking a few feet over to where he had set up the blanket. You sat next to him and he immediately swung an arm over your shoulder and brought you close into his side. You wrapped your arms around his stomach and buried your face in the crook of his neck. He smelled almost as good as spring.

“Missed you,” Shawn mumbled as he kissed the top of your head and started to lean the both of you down, so you were laying on the blanket. His arm was still around your shoulder, but you scooched down a bit, so your head was leaning on his arm like a pillow, “And I’m so proud of you for finishing this semester. Only one more left.”

You chuckled and repeated his statement, “One more left.”

“You’re so smart,” He lazily started to twirl the ends of your hair between his fingers, “Graduating a semester early.”

You turned onto your side and curled into him more, resting your cheek on his shoulder as you looked up at him through your eyelashes, “I’m smarter than you.”

His stomach moved with laughter, “Can’t argue with you there.”

The hand that you rested on his stomach rose up and down with his even breathing. Everything was so peaceful; serenity was the only thing occupying your mind. You didn’t know what your plans were for after graduation, and while it was a concern of yours that you didn’t know what you wanted, you knew whatever you had planned would be with Shawn.

Comfortable silence was not uncommon in your relationship. It seemed to be something that both of you valued having been together for so long. The non-existent conversation was filled with the melodies form birds, a slight rustle for tree leaves and branches whenever the wind blew, and the sound of steady breathing paired with a slightly faster heartbeat.

“I can’t wait until that’s us.”

You peered up at Shawn to see him staring at something to his right. It didn’t take long for you to see that something was really someone. And upon squinting to get a better look, that someone turned out to be a man, woman, and a child.

You hummed in response as you traced shapes on his stomach hoping it would distract him from the conversation you knew he was about to bring up.

“I love you,” his words didn’t falter as he looked down at you. He picked up your hand that was drawing shapes on his stomach and brought it up to his lips to place a delicate kiss on the top, “So much.”

With your hands still connected, he let them rest on his stomach as you stretched your neck to place a kiss on his cheek, “I love you too.”

Shawn squeezed your hand, and you knew what was coming next before he opened his mouth, “It’ll be eight years since we’ve been together in about a month,” you nodded against his shoulder as a small flashback of a nervous 14-year-old Shawn asking you out by your middle school locker zipped through your mind, “And I––I can’t wait until we get a house here, raise our kids here, and take them to this exact park and tell them how we fell in love.”

You felt yourself blush as a familiar feeling crept up inside your stomach, “You really have it all planned out.”

“I have our life,” he squeezed your hand as he made a point to emphasize a shared future between the two of you, “planned out.”

You were sure he could feel your heartbeat increase. You loved Shawn with all your heart––more than you’ve loved anyone––but there was something about thinking about the future that made you squirm. A future with Shawn is all you’ve ever wanted since you were 19. You knew he was the one at that young of an age, and you were pretty sure he felt that way about you when he was 17.

You had journals upon journals with every line filled up about how in love with him you were and how you imagined the rest of your life with him. Mrs. Shawn Mendes was doodled in the back your eighth-grade math textbook.

Everything you had dreamed of was approaching faster than anticipated. You were happy to have a lifetime ahead with Shawn. But the undisclosed feeling you felt in your stomach earlier in the day was pushing its way through, and you did everything you could to squash it.

Wanting to feel anything other than whatever it was that made your stomach churn, you pressed a kiss to Shawn’s jaw, lingering there for a few moments. You pressed another kiss to his neck and then a kiss further down on his throat. With each kiss you gave him, the feeling subsided more.

You heard him sigh when you detached yourself from him and sat up. His eyes were closed so he wasn’t able to see the adoration you held in your eyes as you looked down at him. You studied everything about his face; the slight pink coloring on his cheeks despite it being summertime, the downward curve on the bridge of his nose, and how he somehow still had a slight smile on his face when he wasn’t awake.

Unable to resist the pull you felt toward him any longer, you leaned down and pressed an innocent kiss to his lips. As you pulled back, Shawn lifted his head as he gently laid a hand on your cheek and brought you back into a kiss. It was soft, delicate, and reminded you of the first kiss you shared under the bleachers in middle school.

Once the both of you were sitting up, you pulled away, but only for a second before Shawn followed your lips and kissed them one last time. He leaned his forehead against yours, “Wanna get pizza?”

You threw your head back in laughter, “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Good,” Shawn stood up from the blanket and reached his hands out for you. You took hold of his hands and let him pull you up. Once you were on your feet, he tugged your arms to pull you closer to him and he gave you a kiss on the cheek before wrapping his arms around you.

His arms were strong, and his body felt warm. You melted into his touch like you had for the past eight years. But then his stomach grumbled, and you leaned away from him with an amused smile on your face, “Pizza?”

Shawn smiled back and nodded, “Pizza,” as he unwrapped his arms from you and began to fold up the blanket.

When he had the blanket draped over his arm, he reached a hand out for you to take. You happily slid your hand into his as the two of you began walking through the park to the pizza place down the street.

The pace of your walk was slow. Normally you wouldn’t mind a slow pace, but it was making the unknown and unwelcome feeling creep back up into your stomach and all the way until it settled in the pit of your chest.

•••

As the spring air dwindled away and began to be replaced with the crisp air of autumn, the heaviness in your chest you first felt in May was still present in September. No matter what you did or who you were with, the feeling was latched deep inside of you. And it wasn’t until you had an honest conversation with your best friend that she told you the feeling was anxiety.

Anxiety.

But what were you anxious about? What was so terrible in your life that made you nauseous in the mornings, kept you up until the late hours of the night, and had you constantly bouncing your leg up and down while sitting? There was barely anything you could do to control the feeling and that’s what drove you mad.

But there was one thing you did that made you forget about the feeling.

Your bare chest was pressed up against Shawn’s as you had on arm draped around his neck, both of his hands resting on your hips as the two of you heavily breathed, trying to clam down, after a moment of intimacy. You lowered your head to rest on his shoulder and he adjusted his arms to circle around your waist, pulling you close.

You kissed the base of his neck and mumbled, “I love you,” as you rolled off him and stared up at the ceiling in Shawn’s apartment.

Shawn rolled over on his side and propped himself up with his elbow, his head resting in his hands as he brought his free hand down to twirl a piece of hair between his fingers, “I love you too.”

Hearing those words made a smile creep onto your face and you diverted your gaze from the ceiling and met his eyes. His eyes were soft, full of love, and something else you had only seen in his eyes before he asked you out; longing.

You didn’t know what he was longing for as he stared at you. His eyebrows were scrunched together, which caused a crease to form in between them. You brought your thumb up to the crease in the middle of his eyebrows and rubbed it until his eyebrows were relaxed and he offered you a small smile. You trailed your hand down to his cheek, caressing it slowly with your thumb. The smile wasn’t a happy one, more of a concerned smile.

“Are you alright?” Shawn whispered.

It was your turn for your eyebrows to scrunch together and a crease to form in between them. And while you momentarily halted your touch on his cheek, you snapped out of your shock and moved your hand up to brush a curl out of his face, trying so hard to distract yourself as you felt the anxiety bubble its way back up.

The curl continued to bounce back into place, but you tried your best to push it out of his face, “’Course I am, why?”

Shawn shrugged his shoulders. He took your hand that was pushing his curl back and intertwined your fingers together, “You seem a little…off.”

“We just had sex three times,” you said with a deadpan expression, “Are you really complaining?” your voice held a teasing tone.

Shawn let out a breathy laugh and squeezed your hand, “It’s not––No––that was incredible––Really really good––definitely not…complaining,” he smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “I feel like I can say I know you better than anyone else and…I don’t know…Something’s been up the past few days.”

Few months.

You shook your head, trying to ease both of your nerves, “Might be a little anxious about post-grad.”

Of course, you were nervous about life post-graduation. All you knew up until this point in your life was education, and everyone was anxious about life after graduation, that wasn’t out of the ordinary. But you knew the feeling in your stomach wasn’t about post-grad.

Shawn smirked, “Knew something was up,” he kissed your cheek, “But you’re probably the most well-off student I know for after graduation. You even said that the place you’ve been interning for––that you’ve been with for over a year,” he gave you a pointed look, “said that they want to hire you.”

You nodded, “It’s just…”

“Scary,” Shawn finished your sentence when you weren’t able to articulate exactly what you were feeling, “But you’re doing fantastic. And you will be even more fantastic once you graduate.”

You rolled your eyes and lightly shoved his shoulder with your hand. He responded by sneaking an arm under your back and pulling you into his chest for a hug, “Now you just have to wait for me to graduate and then we can really start our life.”

His voice was full of optimism and when you looked into his eyes, they finally met his smile. And when you looked deeper into his eyes, you saw a glint of something you had never seen before; devotion.

You don’t know when it happened, but you just accepted the fact that you would marry Shawn. There was no lengthy discussion, but there seemed to be a mutual acceptance. Shawn always spoke so passionately about starting a family with you whenever he saw a family. And whenever you were driving and saw a house you liked, you always made passing comments about how nice it would be to raise a family in your hometown.

You wondered when you had started to feel so uncomfortable about being comfortable.

•••

The month of September was slightly better, but not by much. The anxiety was still present, you kept Shawn in the dark about everything, but it was difficult to confide in him when you didn’t even know what the problem was. You couldn’t pinpoint the root of your anxiety and you thought the anxiety would have finished in June. But it was October and now your anxiety had escalated to suffocation.

Suffocation.

You felt like you had a bag of twenty-pound rocks tied to your ankles and drowning. When you didn’t feel like you were drowning, you felt as if someone was smothering you with a pillow. And when you finally felt like you got away from the smothering, it felt as though someone had cut off your air supply. But there was one thing that temporarily relieved the feeling of suffocation. And it came as an email offering you a job in Colorado. In the United States.

When you applied for the job in August, thinking that your anxiety was your fear of feeling stuck at the same company you’ve been interning with for over a year. So, you applied to a handful of jobs around Toronto and the United States. This was the only job you applied for on the west coast in America and you applied to the it thinking that it would be good practice to receive rejection letters. But the application turned into a phone interview and the phone interview turned into a job offer.

There was a brief moment of freedom you felt when you read the first line of the email; we would like to offer you a position…You read that line about ten times before reading the body of the email. The proudness you felt swell up in your chest was quickly diminished by your new friend suffocation.

You had never considered moving out of the country––you had never considered moving out of the Toronto area–––but here you were internally debating with yourself about if you should take this job offer seriously.

There was too much going on in your head––too much going on in Toronto––as you walked down the sidewalk to your apartment building. Every step you took toward the building felt as if you were walking on a tightrope.

You had a job offer…Step…That job offer was in America…Step…You already had a comfortable job offer in Toronto…Step…The anxiety was present long before the job offer…Step…What was making you anxious…Step…Does Shawn have something…

You didn’t let yourself finish the thought. Shawn was your person. There was not a chance that the universe would play such a cruel trick on you. Life wasn’t fair, but life also wouldn’t rip you away from Shawn.

Right before you got to the entrance of your apartment building, you dug out your phone and made a call to your best friend. She picked up on the third ring, talking all nonchalant until she heard your panicked voice begging to spend a weekend with her in Pickering. When she asked if Shawn would be tagging along, you quickly shot it down. You needed a weekend away. Away from your problems and away from Shawn.

You quickly hung up after, knowing that Shawn was waiting for you in your apartment. The elevator ride up wasn’t as bad as the walk to the front entrance, but the lights that indicated what floor you were currently on felt as if they were taunting you. Yellow and bright, something you were not feeling, but the lights didn’t care as they flickered in your face. When you finally made it to your floor, the fluorescent light was dimmer than the other floors and the ding was monotone.

Stepping out slowly, you walked down the hall to your apartment. Shawn always left the door unlocked for you, so you breezed in before your mind changed and decided to just drive straight to Pickering.

As expected, Shawn was slumped on the as he pointed the remote at the television. He couldn’t seem to pick a channel that held his interest.

His head turned when he heard the door open and you offered him a small wave as you set your bag down on the floor and took your shoes off.

“Good day?”

You shrugged as you walked over to the couch and sat next to Shawn, “Average,” you leaned your head on his shoulder, “How was your day?”

Shawn mimicked your shrug, “Uneventful.”

You let out a snort, “What thrilling lives we live.”

That earned a loud laugh from Shawn, “Exhilarating,” he leaned over and kissed your forehead, “So, what are you feeling for dinner? We have stuff to cook, but there’s this new burger place that––“

You lifted your head from his shoulder and slightly moved away from him as you brought your legs up to your chest, quickly cutting him off, “I’m actually––I’m going to Pickering tonight.”

“Oh?” His voice cracked.

Nodding, you leaned your chin on your knees, “Haven’t seen my parents in a while,” you shrugged as you told a little white lie, “I need to get out of the city and just…clear my head.”

Shawn slowly nodded in understanding. He pinched his bottom lip between his thumb and pointer finger, “Clear your head,” he repeated cautiously. After another moment of silence, he closed his eyes and when he opened them, they were yearning, “That’s…good.”

It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t a statement either. It was Shawn convincing himself that you leaving the city for a weekend trip back home alone was fine…That you were fine. When either one of you wanted to go back home, you always brought the other along. But with telling Shawn that you wanted to go alone, you could see that it put him off just a little.

To ease his doubts, because there was nothing in life you were more sure of than your love for him, you took his hand, “Just need to get away from the city.” Your voice didn’t waver, and you spoke with double the confidence, hoping to transfer some of it to the boy sitting across from you.

Shawn squeezed your hand, “And you want to go…alone?”

Both of you knew the answer, and you knew that Shawn was wishing for an answer you couldn’t give him.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized with a solemn smile, “I––just really need to go home alone.” Shawn nodded and you felt him pull his hand away from yours. You panicked slightly and squeezed his hand twice, which caused him to look up at you, “We’ll try out that burger place when I’m back on Monday.”

There was a far off look in his eyes. Again, he only answered with a nod.

Him using the bare minimum to communicate with you was driving you up a wall. You didn’t like how he was avoiding conversation and you didn’t like the feeling in your stomach that came with it. He’s disappointed in you, a voice in your head spoke up, you’re leaving him alone when you know he doesn’t feel confident about your relationship––

In order to get the voice to stop talking, you did the one thing that you knew would quiet it for the time being. You leaned forward, gently placing both of your hands on his cheeks, and kissed him. At first when he didn’t kiss back, you feared that you wouldn’t be able to silence the voice. The toxic coping mechanism you fell into every time wasn’t working. Panic was rising through your body fast and just when you were about to give up hope, he kissed you back.

A sigh escaped your lips as he pulled you closer.

You needed to be closer.

His hands carefully held your waist as your hands traveled from the sides of his face to the nape of his neck.

You needed to feel closer.

He kissed you harder and his biceps tensed up as your fingers grazed his arms.

Closer.

You needed to physically feel as close as possible to Shawn; because emotionally you felt as far away from him as ever.

•••

The drive back home was filled with songs on a mixtape Shawn made you for your seventeenth birthday. Luckily, your car still had a CD player, and you wanted to listen to the songs on the physical disc instead of just streaming them from a database.

You left your apartment after a silent cuddle with Shawn that lasted a few hours: Legs tangled together, synchronized breathing, and feather light touches. In the middle though, Shawn said his arms were getting cold and asked if you had a sweatshirt he could borrow. Reluctantly, you got up and trudged to your room looking for a sweatshirt of his you once stole.

A red sweatshirt caught your eye and you picked it up, toying with the fabric on the sleeves before walking back to the couch and handing the sweatshirt to Shawn. He quickly tugged it over his head, ruffling his hand through his messed-up hair to get it somewhat back in place, and then pulled you down to lay next to him. He left your apartment wearing the sweatshirt.

You found yourself at Melanie’s––your best friend’s––house. She ushered you in as you set your bag by the stairs as she busied herself in the kitchen making tea for the two of you. The only words exchanged between the two of you was a greeting and some small talk. She didn’t push you as to why you frantically called her and begged her for a getaway weekend––she anticipated that conversation was coming later in the night.

Once your teas were made to your liking, Melanie led you upstairs to her room and opened up the window. A fond smile crossed your face as flashbacks from your childhood came flooding back. Sitting out on the roof at Melanie’s house was your favorite place in all of Pickering and it was where Melanie and you had most of your deep conversations. It was after a conversation with Melanie on this roof when you realized you loved Shawn for the first time.

Melanie was on the roof and took your tea mug, so you were able to climb through with ease. You plucked a few blankets from beneath her window to brace bodies against the frigid air. Once you both had blankets wrapped around your figures and mugs securely held in your grasps, Melanie spoke up.

“Everything alright?”

You took a sip of your tea, keeping your vision set ahead on the tree in her backyard, “Yeah, I’m alright, I––it’s just…” you glanced over at your friend who had her eyebrows raised silently telling you to rethink your answer, “I’m…I don’t know.”

You took another sip of tea.

“I think you’re far from fine,” Melanie chuckled, “Got a call from my best friend panicking about how she had to get away,” her voice waned off amusement and turned more serious, “You worried me.”

You nodded in understanding, “Sorry, I don’t––Sorry––I don’t really…” You ran your fingers through your hair, “Sorry.”

Melanie’s eyes were soft and full of concern as she placed a comforting hand on your shoulder, “Never apologize for what you’re feeling even if you don’t…know…what it is.” She treaded carefully with her word choice.

“I got that job in America,” you said as you took a sip of your tea.

Melanie’s eyes widened and a bright smile spread across her face, “Y/n that’s––Shit––Congratulations! That’s so exciting! America…Wow.”

You nodded, “America.”

There was a brief silence in the conversation, the only sound being the rustle of tree branches from the breeze. The silence told Melanie everything she needed to know about why her best friend suddenly had to escape the confides of the city.

“Shawn doesn’t know?”

“Shawn doesn’t know,” you repeated her question as a statement, “Which like––I don’t know––It’s not––that’s not why I’m…upset.” Melanie nodded and waited for you to continue your explanation, “Things have been…off.”

“Off? Like recently?”

It felt as if you were drowning.

You gulped, “May.”

Melanie’s eyes widened a second time for the night, but not in joy, her eyes widened, and her eyebrows were slightly raised and pinched together in worry, “That’s––Shit, Y/n––It’s November.”

Again, you nodded and took a sip of your tea, “It’s November.”

“You’re going to have to do more talking than repeat the last words I’ve said.”

It wasn’t harsh, but the tone of Melanie’s voice caused you to flinch. She was being honest, you had to start offering her up information or this last-minute trip to Pickering would be pointless.

“I feel stuck,” you breathed out the last word in barely a whisper, “I feel stuck and I’ve felt this was since May and I don’t know what to fucking do, Mel––I––I’m terrified.”

Melanie scooted closer to you and nodded, “Stressed about graduation?”

You shook your head immediately. Graduation always came with some stress, but that was a blip in your thoughts as to why you were feeling the way you were.

“Everything is going so so well with Shawn and…I don’t know…I’m content with how things are now, but––“

“You’re obviously not content,” Melanie scoffed, “Maybe you need some change.”

You quirked an eyebrow up and tilted your head, “Change?”

She nodded and offered you a regretful smile, one that people had tucked away for when they had to break not so pleasant news to people they cared about, “Change from…how your life has been going.”

You were not connecting the dots and Melanie saw that in your eyes as she continued on with her explanation.

“Maybe America is a great opportunity to start over.”

“Start…Over?” You shook your head, “I have a life built around Shawn and a––and a future here with him––That’s not…I can’t…”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Melanie,” you pleaded with your best friend feeling your throat tighten up, “I can’t do that to him––“

She held up a hand for you to stop talking, “You’ve been with Shawn since you were sixteen––“

“Fourteen,” you corrected her.

She shot you a glare and pretended like you didn’t interrupt her, “You were children when all of this started,” she waved her free hand in the air gesturing to your relationship with Shawn, “You’ve had time and now you’re older and maybe you just need a change.”

You carefully set your tea down on the roofing panels. The negative thoughts and feelings came out of their hiding places. One by one they creeped out of every corner of your mind, torturing you with the lethal words your subconscious created.

You wiped away the tears that silently fell from your eyes with the heel of your palm. Change was something you didn’t handle well. Change was something you never liked. Your head was telling you that this was bad––this kind of change was bad––but your heart was screaming. Your heart was screaming about how tired it was a feeling suffocated––of feeling like it was constantly drowning.

Your heart was telling you that there was another way. That you didn’t have to feel like this all the time––how you shouldn’t feel like this all the time. You wanted to ignore your heart and ignore the heartbreaking gaze Melanie sent your way.

You craved Shawn’s presence now more than ever.

•••

November ended painfully slow and December came without a care for your feelings.

In the midst of juggling your final university workload and trying to figure out what to do with your life post-graduation you were also trying to stabilize a relationship that you desperately were clinging on to.

Ever since your roof conversation with Melanie, you felt the relationship crumbling on your end. Shawn seemed hesitant around you; every touch he gave you held a doubt, every night you went to bed he shifted further to the other side, and every I love you was said with caution.

He was still there physically. But, emotionally…Emotionally he was pulling away right before your eyes.

You loathed the situation you had created for yourself and Shawn. You hated how you no longer seemed to sync up. You wanted to go back to the way things were before the summer hit. You craved for the smell of the spring air that was synonymous to the safety you felt when you were with Shawn. Although, you didn’t know how possible that was.

Change.

Melanie had brought it up on the roof and again whenever you called her. She reassured you that she would be supportive of your decision––whenever you came to one––but she still favored the decision of change for you. She had your best interest at heart, and you appreciated it, but your best interest was intertwined with Shawn. And you knew that this was not in his best interest.

Graduation came and it seemed to be the only day in the past seven months that felt normal. You walked across the stage, received your diploma, and when the ceremony was over Shawn barreled into you. He picked you off the ground as he hugged you and spun you around, knocking off your cap.

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispered, “I’ll love you forever.”

That day gave you hope. It made you smile wider than you had in the last few months. It was a light finally shining through the dreary storm clouds. It was what you had been waiting for and it helped you come to clarity as to what sort of change you needed in life.

Change, you decided, was needed if you wanted to keep sane. You needed a change of scenery, and you decided that you can have a change and still keep Shawn. It was a compromise between listening your head and your heart. Your heart wasn’t very fond of the idea, but it was the best decision your head could come up with. You didn’t know why you thought it had to be an ultimatum between the two, and it eased your troubles just a bit, but it didn’t nearly release the weight on your shoulders you thought it would.

The day after graduation, you woke up with your legs tangled with Shawn’s, his arm thrown over your waist, and his face toward yours for the first time in months. You didn’t know how much you missed something this domestic until you had it in your grasp once more. But the moment you woke up, his arm around your waist felt like an anchor aiding in drowning you. And while you felt as if you were drowning, you also felt safe. Shawn always made you feel safe.

That was a week ago. And you hadn’t woken up in his arms since then.

Ironically, since the term ended, Shawn had been spending more time at your apartment. The dynamic had shifted between the two of you: Shawn no longer came up to hug you from behind when you were cooking at the stove, you no longer pinched Shawn’s hips as he walked by you, and the two of you blushed profusely and looked the other way whenever you saw the other in a towel.

Things had been off emotionally for some time. But now physical aspects of your relationship were changing, and a piece of your heart broke off every time you noticed it. You wanted change, but not like this.

You were sat at the small table you had in your kitchen area waiting for Shawn to come home. He mumbled something about playing some soccer in the park with Brian when the two of you were sitting on the couch. He tied his shoes up and before he left, he stood in front of you. Like every time you stared up at Shawn, you fell in love with him all over again.

He offered you a small smile before bending down and carefully cupping your face with his hand. You immediately leaned into his touch and closed your eyes as a peaceful sigh escaped your lips.

It caught you off guard when he leaned in a pressed a chaste kiss to your lips. Your eyes opened just as he broke the kiss. When you looked into his eyes, they were pleading with you. They were pleading for an answer you could not give him. His eyes were begging for you to tell him what went wrong with the two of you and why things had gone downhill. But his eyes were also full of love and hope; Unconditional love for his middle school sweetheart and hope that the two of you could make it over this bump.

“I love you,” he whispered just as soft as he did on the day of your graduation, “I won’t be long.”

Desperate for more physical contact from him, you tangled your fingers in his brown hair. You knew how much he loved when you massaged his scalp and ran your fingers through his hair, his eyes closed as he leaned forward an inch to brush his nose against yours.

You didn’t want him to go play soccer with Brian.

“I love you too.”

With a sigh, he opened his eyes. You could see he was intently thinking about something, but before you could pry, he seemed to go against his better judgement and press another kiss to your lips. While the kiss wasn’t anything special, he lingered for longer than the last.

“I’ll be back soon,” he said.

He left before you could open your eyes. There was a part of you that didn’t want to open your eyes. The last thing you saw was your sweet boyfriend kissing you and telling you he loved you. There was no better high in the world than that, especially when you felt depraved from his physical touch for so long.

That was six hours ago.

You had hope he would only be gone for two or three hours, but your hope dwindled away with every hour that passed.

You were messing around with your laptop when you heard a key in the door handle and soon after the door opened. You felt the inside of your stomach fall and anxiety crawl up. Once you looked up, you saw that Shawn was already staring at you.

His cheeks were rosy, his lips were parted slightly as he breathed heavy, and his forehead was glistening with sweat. He held his water bottle in his hands as he stared through you. It was unnerving and you wished you were able to read his mind.

“I love you, Y/n.”

His voice held conviction as he seemed to refocus his gaze to look at you instead of through you.

You closed your laptop screen slowly as Shawn walked toward you. He placed his water bottle on the table and looked down at your doe eyed questioning gaze, “I love you and I need to know what’s wrong.”

“Wha––“

“I know you feel it too,” the determination and confidence behind his voice fell, “It’s been a––a few months and I can’t––we––this…” His voice cracked, “We need to figure it out.”

You sniffled and started to pick with a loose piece of skin by your nail. Your eyes fell to your lap, not wanting to look at him, “Let’s––yeah––Let’s talk, okay.”

Shawn crouched down in front of your chair and took one of your fidgety hands in his as his, “Hey,” his other hand tilted your chin up to look at him, “It’s just me…Shawn…The guy who banged his head against your locker before he asked you out,” he let out a sad chuckle, “Just…Me.”

You nodded and sucked in a deep breath hoping to delay your tears for a moment longer, “I know––I––That’s what makes it so…hard.”

Before the sob wracked through your chest, Shawn was pushing your chair back and wrapping his arms around you as you fell into him. He held you firmly against his chest, running a soothing hand up and down your back as he whispered that everything would be alright. Your arms tightened around his neck as your sobs increased with his careful words.

After a few moments when your cries slowly started to calm down, Shawn slightly leaned back, arms still wrapped around you. He was lazily tracing patterns on your back, which caused you to look up at him. You wished that you kept your head buried in his neck because his red eyes and heartbreaking smile was worse than anything you’ve been through.

“There’s my pretty girl,” he sniffled as he brought a hand to your face and wiped the tears under your eyes away with his thumb, “So pretty.”

You felt your bottom lip tremble, another wave of fresh tears wanting to be seen. Shawn loosened his grasp around your waist which caused you to look up at him in panic. You didn’t want to be separated from him, you wanted to be as close to him as possible. He shushed you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, keeping you close to his side as he guided you over to the couch.

The two of you sat on the couch, much like you did earlier in the day, except this time you were sitting right next to each other.

Shawn grasped your hand in his, his grip so tight as if he was afraid you would slip right from it, “Talk to me, please.”

You vigorously nodded your head, but no words came out. How do you start off this kind of conversation?

Shawn squeezed your hand as reassurance and before you started second guessing what you were going to say, you blurted out, “I feel anxious.” Shawn slowly nodded, squeezing your hand as a way to tell you to continue.

And you did with a deep breath, “I feel anxious and––and stuck and like I have no control over anything and it––I think––I need a––uh, change.”

As your words rambled on they got softer and softer until your voice barely carried above a whisper. But the last word, change, echoed loudly through the room. The word was deafening loud and Shawn didn’t miss a beat.

“Change…”

The one syllable word sounded foreign coming from his lips. He repeated the word for a second time to make sure he had heard you right. Change. That word was never a part of your relationship vocabulary. And it sounded like it didn’t belong the more Shawn repeated it.

“What do you want a change from?” His tone was daring, almost as if he wanted you to make his worst nightmare a reality.

“I––There’s this whole––“

“What,” he didn’t mask the viciousness in his voice, “do you want a change from.”

His voice was demanding and not at all like the sweet sound that had just been comforting you moments ago. You knew he was getting irritated and you knew it would only get worse.

“I got a job in America––Colorado,” it was probably not the best response, but you needed to get that piece of information out there, “And it’s––it sounds great, like really great and––“

He removed his hand so fast from yours, like you were burning with fire, “You’re leaving?”

“That’s not––“

“And why is this the first I’m hearing about this?” He sounded disappointed, hurt, untrusted.

You sighed, “I never seriously considered it until last month.”

“You’ve been feeling like you need a change for the past month?” Your silence only edged him on to ask another question, “Since when–Why––How long have you felt this way?”

You gulped and averted your eyes to look at his knees, “I don’t want to run away from you, Shawn,” you spoke carefully, “I was thinking we both—“

“How long?”

“May.” You screwed your eyes tight, so tight you felt a stinging sensation in your forehead. You wanted to avoid the look of pain, that would no doubt be in Shawn’s eyes, for as long as you could. But when you felt the couch cushion next to you feel lighter, you snapped your eyes open.

Shawn backed away from the couch and you could see that he felt betrayed, “May? How could you not tell me––Christ, seven months? Y/n…” his voice cracked as he said your name.

Seeing the heartbreak in his eyes caused you to shoot up from your seat and comfort him. It killed you to see his jaw clenched and eyes rimmed with redness. But what killed you even more was how he flinched away from your touch when you reached out to comfort him. Nothing in the world could prepare you for that sting.

“Shawn––“

He inhaled a deep breath and sniffed, “Please, don’t…” he brought both hands up to his face to try and stop his tears, “You want to leave?”

He couldn’t even look at you.

His question was double sided. He was asking for clarification about wanting to leave Toronto, but also asking if you wanted to leave him. Your arms hung limp at your sides, mouth wide open in shock. You understood his confusion about wanting to leave Toronto because it had never come up in conversation before. But your sadness quickly turned into irritation as he verbalized his doubt of your love for him and not wanting to be with him anymore.

“You know I would never leave you,” you said as you took a deep breath to keep your anger at bay.

He ripped his hands from his face and sent you a glare that had you stumbling back, “Do I? Because we had a plan for after I graduated. And now you don’t want that with me.”

“I still want that with you!” You threw your hands up in the air in exasperation, “There are some affordable places I found that we can––“

“You already have a job here!” Shawn raised his voice, “You have a place here! You have friends here!––“

You raised your voice over his, “That’s not the point––“

“You have me here! We had a plan––”

“Plans change!”

Shawn was going to shout over you once more, but once your ambiguous statement traveled from the confides of your thoughts and slipped out between your lips, he had no response. You could feel the anger radiating off him as the ringing in your ears got louder, and louder, and louder…

“Plans…don’t just change like that,” he spat out. His words hit you like icicles, cold and sharp before his tone momentarily softened, “I had my life built around you…We––I wanted to marry you. Start a family with you.”

He spoke as if the thought of marriage with you was a far off fantasy.

You pinched the bridge of your nose to stop a new wave of tears from falling, but these tears weren’t out of fear of his reaction to your thoughts about change, he made his feelings loud and clear. These were tears of mourning.

“Shawn,” you said with a strained voice, “Let’s talk about this rationally––“

He ran a hand through his hair and looked narrowed his eyes at you, “Don’t––I had it all wrong from the beginning, who could’ve actually thought we would make it this far?” He let out a laugh that made you more nauseous than any amount of anxiety did, “We were just children when we met, we didn’t know anything about life!”

His anger morphed into a cynical tone that sent shivers down your spine. It frightened you when he let out a laugh, one that was usually saved for comical moments between the two of you.

“And now we’re older!” He continued with another laugh, “Time is a funny thing, back then it seemed like nothing.”

As much as you didn’t want to be near Shawn, you knew he was spiraling, and you wanted to help him. Despite what he may think, you still loved him. Carefully, you tip toed forward slowly as Shawn continued on with his rambling about how idiotic he was as a kid to think this would last forever. Each step forward broke your heart thinking about how Shawn portrayed your relationship as childish and with no chance of reconciling.

“You just took my love…” his voice decreased in volume and cynicism and was replaced with a tone that ripped your heart out of your chest as he pointed an accusatory finger at you that made you stop in your tracks, “You took my love––you took it and have no remorse whatsoever––“

You shook your head and took the last few steps to him faster than the pace you were walking before, “I still love you, Shawn. That is never going to change.”

He peered down at you, and for a moment you saw the Shawn you fell in love with. You saw the bright-eyed eighteen-year-old boy who sat you on his bed and wrote a song about how in love he was with you. He looked like he was on the verge of forgiveness, but once you lightly brushed your fingers against his hand, he snapped back out of whatever trance he was under.

“I don’t know how to love anyone else,” his shoulders slumped forward as he bit his bottom lip.

You swiftly took his hand in yours and gripped it as if you were hanging off a cliff and he was your only lifeline. You didn’t know if it was a moment of braveness, or a moment of desperation because something deep inside you knew it could be the last time you touched him.

“You don’t have to love anyone else,” you pleaded with him, “I don’t want you to love anyone else.”

“Time’s a funny thing,” Shawn let out a humorless chuckle. His head was tilted when he finally made eye contact with you. His eyes were full of longing and one other thing you weren’t familiar with; regret.

“Shawn,” you spoke his name cautiously, petrified of what his next move was, “We can work through this…”

He slowly shook his head, causing your heart to plummet, “May…That was…From what I’ve gathered, you didn’t have that job offer then––didn’t have an excuse for change…,” he swallowed back tears, “But you wanted change then…You want change.”

“I want a change of scenery,” you tried your hardest to make him understand, “Not a change from you.”

“The only thing back then you could’ve wanted change from was me,” it was the first time his voice didn’t falter. He was confident in this theory that you didn’t want him.

You squeezed his hand, “Are you even listening to yourself––“

“You’re the love of my life,” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. With one of his hands still clutching onto yours, he brought his other hand––a trembling hand––up and tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear, “I just wish I was yours.”

With a shaky inhale and one last strong sniffle, Shawn pressed a firm kiss to your forehead, released your hand one last time, and escaped through the door.

You had felt many sensations throughout the past seven months––drowning, being weighed down by rocks, suffocation––but what you were feeling right now, the devastation you felt deep within your bones, was far worse than any of them.

You felt as if you were falling.

Shawn, your only lifeline, had let go of your hand. He knew he held the power whether to pull you up or not and he decided to let you go. It felt as if he released his grip, finger by finger, desperately wanting to hold onto what you both had, but in the end, it didn’t survive. And as he released your hand, you fell.

You fell over the edge, your stomach performing backflips as the sensation got worse with each passing second. The sensation of falling was never ending, you felt as if you were falling down the rabbit hole to Wonderland––terrified of what was waiting for you at the bottom.

The December air was frigid. The December air made you go out and seek comfort in a hot chocolate because it wasn’t good enough to provide a blanket of warmth. The December air was nothing like the spring air.

Oh, how you wished to smell that spring air once more.

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mxrstar · 4 years

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[ID: the image appears to be a sunset, but there are clouds and mountains fading in and out on both side of the horizon. on the left of the setting sun, it says: "tomorrow comes anyway" / end ID]

TOMORROW COMES ANYWAY

[a playlist for rainy days, with described day-dreams for each song under the cut]

Smile — Mikko Ekko

you are in a bar, or a bedroom, or a field, or maybe a car.

your best friends are there, and you are tired. your night is supposed to be over. this song comes up on the radio, and after the first lines, someone looks up. slowly, you all start singing. ‘the worst is yet to come’ you scream, from the top of your lungs, and though it may not be true, part of you believes it. ‘the future is forever, so smile,” you say, and you believe that, too.

your friends smile back.

A Complete List of Fears Ages 5-28 (aprox) — The Yellow Dress

you have just finished reading your favorite book for the first time, and- you know that weird, soft burst of energy that hits when words line up your life in such a way that the keyhole of the worst door in your heart lines up with the sky? and you think that perhaps this time you can open it and let light in? that’s what you are feeling right now.

the song says there’s gonna be another day, and maybe, if you weren't feeling like this. you'd object, say: are you sure? does it matter?

right now, you leave it at that. for once, it feels like it's enough.

Don’t Stop — Fleetwood Mac

you are on a couch, about to fall asleep. someone is holding you, or maybe you are holding someone. it’s been a bad night, but not the worst you have had.

at some point, your friend starts moving their thumb up and down, caressing your skin. maybe their hand is on your cheek, maybe it’s on your arm, maybe on your leg. you won’t remember in the morning, but you will often think back to how warm it felt. when people ask you "if you could go back to a peaceful memory, where would you go?" you always answer with this.

Float On — Modest Mouse

you are alone in a park, laying on the grass. it’s spring, and you can feel it in the air. there are children laughing, and people talking, but not so many that it’s annoying.

you feel safe. you sing along to the words, eyes shut, hands closed into fists. nothing bad will happen to me today, you think, and nothing will. you write about it in your diary when you come home at night, even though there’s not much to say. you circle the date and the month, and draw a lopsided heart right beside it. you add the name of the song, Float On, to make sure you'll remember why.

World Spins Madly On — The Weepies

something bad happened. you are in a waiting room, or in a bedroom, or maybe in a bus. a person you love sits beside you, and they are listening to music. they hand you one of their headphones, as if to say ‘want to listen along for a while?’

you do. this song is playing. the person you love sings it quietly, and they have a beautiful voice.

it’s comforting. it doesn’t solve anything, but you are not looking for solutions.

'thank you,' you say, and they take your hand into theirs.

Can’t Go Back Now — The Weepies

you are at a party with a lot of people from your past. some of them you have forgotten, or your affection for them has faded, but none of them is a bad person. none of them truly hurt you.

at some point, during a quiet moment, this song plays in the background. there’s only two people who know the lyrics: you, and a friend that you used to care about tremendously. you haven’t talked to them in ages, but you lock eyes as you sing along, and it feels meaningful. it feels true.

you hope they are okay. you don’t know if you’ll have the courage to ask them, but even if you don’t, you think that this is enough. you both love each other, even after all those years.

Almost Made It — Racoon

something important and yet forgettable in the sum of your life went wrong. you lost a good job opportunity, but you have not-terrible alternatives. you came fourth place to a contest that has prices for the first three. you were turned down by someone you hoped would like you back. you failed a difficult exam. anything on that note.

someone brings you home, and this song comes on the radio. they know the lyrics, you don’t. when the songs start, it’s so on the nose that you both end up laughing. but then the person with you gets so fucking into it, and starts performing it like it’s a concert or something. it’s funny. sincerely so.

you ask them “can you stay with me? at least for this afternoon” and they say yes. of course.

Epitaph For My Heart — The Magnetic Fields

you just broke up with someone you love, or lost a friend, and you are with a good stranger.

you met them in a pub, or maybe online, or in class or at work. you don’t know them well, but they are attractive, and they make you feel comfortable, and they respect all your boundaries.

wherever you are, this song comes on. “oh, this is one of my favorites,” they tell you.

if you like dancing, then you are dancing with them when this happens. if you don’t, you are sitting somewhere, and they sway in place, mouthing along to the words.

what matters is: they are very charismatic. you start moving/dancing/singing, too, and discover that you can be charismatic, too.

you like the music. at some point, you forget what the words say.

I Have Made Mistakes — Oh Hellos

you are about to fall asleep, and faint music is playing from your phone. you are having trouble calming yourself down, but then this song plays.

it has been a very, very tiring day. for the first time since you woke up, you let yourself acknowledge it. you feel like you should be proud of yourself, and you are right to think so.

before the song is over, you fall asleep. you won't have nightmares, and you'll dream of butterflies.

Never Quite Free — Mountain Goats

you are on a train, or maybe on a bus. perhaps you are walking, or looking outside the window of a plane.

you are going home, but it’s a new kind of home. something that you are just starting to build, that still feels like a discovery every time you step into it.

sometimes it’s hard to remember that healing isn’t linear, and so part of you wonders if it will still be home, when you wake up sweating in the middle of the night, thinking that you don’t belong, that there’s some price you must pay to exist wherever you are.

but this song is here to tell you: yeah. yeah, it still is home. it doesn’t have to feel like that all the time, but it’ll wait for you, patiently, with open arms, when you are ready to call it refuge again.

This Too Shall Pass — Danny Schmidt

you hear this song live. it’s a group of people singing it on the side of a street. there’s four of them, and they all—they all believe this. they all believe in what the song says. you don’t know why you can tell, but you can.

it feels magical. people stop beside you, and—god, you think you all believe this, too.

and so you are standing there, in a place that you know well, with people you don’t recognise, and you feel life moving around you, and know, deep inside your heart, that this too, whatever this is, shall pass.

Ghost Of Corporate Future — Regina Spektor

you are washing the dishes after dinner, or doing something equally as tedious, and put music on to distract yourself. this song is what plays last, when you are almost done.

it’s a Saturday, and it has been a hard day cause you never feel like you have enough energy to do something you enjoy. as the song plays, though, you remember about a movie you have been wanting to watch for ages, and, for some reason, you feel suddenly excited. you want to see it, and you know you have people to talk about it with. slowly, you realise that you can’t wait to.

your smile grows as the song ends, and you rush to your room to get your computer and watch the movie.

(turns out, it’s very good. a new favorite. you live-blog it to your friends, and your jokes make them laugh)

Not The End Of The World (Even as We Know It) — Faded Paper Figures

the people you love most sit in front of you on a table. some of them are cooking, and those that are cooking put on this song to sing it.

it’s the only one they all know the words to.

they perform it like they are in a theater and you and your other friends are the audience. they make quite a mess, screaming the lyrics in each other’s faces with everything fragile still held loosely in their hands.

you look at them in awe.

eventually, you get up to hug them. one of them kisses your cheek, and hugs you so tightly they raise your feet from the ground, or maybe they shake your shoulders playfully. do something, anything that makes you feel alive.

you have a whole night ahead of you. you know it'll be beautiful.

No Brakes — Pigeon Pit

two people who are in love with each other are arguing about music. one of them says you have to listen to this song, okay? it’s so good. the other keeps arguing that they just don’t like the genre, okay?

it goes on for a while, and it’s endearing. eventually, the first person puts on this song. the other tries so bad to hate it, but when the music comes to an end, and the singer says I’m going to wake up tomorrow, whatever it takes they smile. it's a wide smile, open and sunny, and it's one that simply can't go unnoticed.

their partner screams in victory, then rushes to hug them. see!!! they say, i knew you’d like it!!!

then they turn towards you. what did i say? they go, i told you this was gonna be a success!

and you know what? they did. they did tell you, and you are happy for them. you high-five them, and their partner laughs.

This Year — The Mountain Goats

it’s new year’s eve. not a particularly good one, but not a terrible one, either.

you remember how everyone talks about this song, you remember the singer saying that around new year’s, much more people seem to listen to it. you wonder: who else is blasting it in their apartment right now? even if they are alone, and maybe especially if they are?

there must be more than you can visualise, sitting on their couch with their tv on mute and their phone opened on this one song.

some of them must be good people. you are not in this together, not really, cause you can’t reach them, but you are not in this entirely alone, either. not in a way that matters. not in a way that counts.

we are all going to make it through this year, you think. we have to.

I Know The End — Phoebe Bridgers

it’s today, or tomorrow, or ten years from now, and you are scared, but not in a way that hurts.

you are scared as background noise, cause you can’t tell, can’t know what will happen now.

and maybe the end is here, maybe something is about to fall, and there’s not much you can do about it.

you listen to this song, though, wherever you are now or will be in the future, and you think you like the music. you like that someone sat down and wrote it.

it’s not enough, but you make it be. just for now. just for a while.

#music #playlists #nice things #sometimes i talk #this was fun!!

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ghost-in-the-stalls · 3 years

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Neil Josten's Playlist Part 6 - For Himself

Masterpost and link to the playlist in its entirety here

A lot of the songs Neil keeps are just for him. Sometimes you need to be in your feelings a bit and music is the only place you're comfortable doing that.

2. Shrike - Hozier

After he initially found Hozier, this boy didn’t listen to anything else for weeks straight if he could help it. Shrike I think is just a song that he loves the sound of. Pretty much the only thing we know in canon about Neil’s music taste is that he doesn’t like loud music. Which is incredibly vague and generalizing. To me, that tells me that Neil maybe is actually someone who tends to pay most attention to and by most effected by the sound of a song than the theme or lyrics or genre or anything. If he doesn’t like the sound, he doesn’t like the song. But a sound that appeals to him? Oh boy, he won’t be able to let it go. Shrike is like that for him. It’s gentle and smooth and I imagine he doesn’t pay too much attention to the lyrics or meaning. He just lets himself get lost in the sound.

11. Best Part - Daniel Caesar & H.E.R.

Not too much to say about this. It’s soft and beautiful and smooth, and I think Neil would greatly appreciate the sound. It’s a bit too soft for him to associate with Andrew, but he doesn’t need the association to enjoy it. Neil listens to it on his morning runs when the sun is only just rising and the world is still moving slowly. But he also listens to it on slower mornings when Andrew convinces him to forgo the morning run in favor of breakfast and coffee on the couch with the cats.

17. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Like some others on this list, this is a song that catches Neil wholly for its sound. Like the title, listening to this song feels a little like getting lost in a dream. There's just something very soft about it, and those are the kinds of songs that catches Neil's attention. He likes that he's found something he can get lost in for a time without losing himself.

27. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

As incredible of a song this is, the origin of Neil's connection to it isn't anything super emotional. The foxes made him watch Shrek. He became very attached to this song and would listen to it on repeat for weeks afterwards. They all got so sick of it. His aux cord privileges were revoked. Matt doesn't need to start CRYING while he's DRIVING Neil, THANK YOU.

As for his connection to it, a big trend I'm seeing in the stuff that I think Neil listens to is that a lot of it is very emotional. Sad songs, moving melodies, beautiful ballads. I think Neil listens to music to help him feel his emotions - like really feel them. He's so good at compartmentalizing and shoving everything down and away (as per the trauma of running for the better half of his life), I think listening to emotional music - like really listening to it all - as a means of getting in touch with the emotions he's always shoving aside would be a great coping mechanism for him. To that degree songs like this just strike a cord with Neil, even if there isn't any parallel to draw between the lyrics and his own life. A song is a package of emotion that Neil can hear and unpack and process at his own pace while retaining a safe degree of separation.

30. Obstacles - Syd Matters

Not a whole lot to say about this one. Neil finds it somehow - either through one of his foxes or just on his own - and he finds it incredibly calming. He keeps it close. It makes him hopeful even on days when he can't bring himself to look in the mirror. The steady melody and repeating words help him get lost in something other than his own thoughts.

35. Ashes On Your Eyes - Deb Talan

This is one Neil found on his own. It doesn't remind him of any of his foxes, though, or his mother. It's one of the few songs he has just for himself. It serves as a reminder that he's going to be okay. He has a great support system, but sometimes he likes to find comfort in himself just to prove that he can still do it. Songs like this keep him going on those days where he doesn't want to bring his problems to others.

37. Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart

This is one Neil gets his hands on in his final year at Palmetto, but it isn't just about Andrew for him (like most of the others from this year). This one is about all his foxes - his family. It's about how lonely he feels even when he has a whole group of people he lives and plays and interacts with on a daily basis. They aren't his people; his people are scattered everywhere. He only learned how to be a real person after he met them. Now he needs to learn to do it on his own. There's a special kind of pain that comes when he thinks of how much he misses each of them.

39. Unsteady - Ambassador X

This song is one Neil thinks of often when he's having bad days. He'll still always end up having some days where he doesn't feel like a real person, and on those days it can be hard to ground himself - to keep from floating away and giving up on everything he's built to run back to being nothing. What helps him most on those days is not being alone. It takes him a long time, though, to learn how to communicate what his needs are on those days. It's pretty lucky that Andrew can read him so well, but during the years when they aren't living together it becomes very hard for Neil to find the words to ask for help. This song helps him with that. The chorus is so short and to-the-point but is still such a bare-bones lay of emotion and need that it centers Neil enough to realize that he doesn't need to explain himself or mince his words when he's asking for help. He just needs to ask.

42. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

The downside to having the music taste that Neil does is that sometimes he latches onto something that is apparently a bit cheesy or overplayed, and the foxes gladly tease him for liking it unironically. This is definitely one of those songs. It doesn't matter to him that it was basically everyone's 8th grade graduation song (he didn't get one of those anyway, Matt.) He listens to this and thinks of the passage of time and how hard it's going to be when his foxes are scattered all over the country while he's stuck alone in Palmetto. But they'll be happy, and he'll be happy soon enough after that. They'll all move forward but it doesn't mean they'll lose each other (he has to repeat that to himself on bad nights).

The completely serious way he listens to this song is funny to the foxes at first, but Nicky is the first to break down crying when it stops being funny. He's also the only one to break down crying, but that doesn't mean the others don't get emotional too. ("Jesus, Neil, you got a whole team of collegiate athletes getting emotional over the time-of-your-life song. How much more of a fucking weirdo enigma can you be??" -Andrew at some point probably)

47. Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

Neil has some pretty intense, pretty specific trauma. Plenty of people in the world have experienced terrible things and it isn't a competition. Neil knows this. However, he's also painfully aware that he's someone who pulled the right numbers in the shit lottery. Sometimes it helps to hear this song.

He knows that maybe his own life experiences were not anything close to what the songwriter had in mind, but it still helps. It helps to remember that he isn't the only person in the world who has terrible days. It even helps to know that people outside of the foxes have bad days. It helps to find a way to feel connected to the larger population of the world. It's a definite new thing for him - feeling like he's allowed to belong in the world - but it's very comforting at times.

54. Lights Up - Harry Styles

((I wish I could remember who made a post once saying this was a very Neil song because that was how I first heard it and I wish I could credit that person. Alas, it was over a year ago when I first read the books and didn't recognize any usernames yet :/ if anyone knows who that is lmk!!))

There are a lot of things Neil doesn't know about himself. There are a lot of things from freshman year and before that he still feels some level of guilt for. But ultimately he doesn't regret a single choice he's made. There are a whole lot of things he's still figuring out about his life. He heard this song and really vibed with the sound and what it was saying. Not much more to say than that. He's found himself in a light that he's happy to stay and figure himself out in.

66. Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

Mary was a bit of a Beatles fan. There were several of their songs she'd play on their long drives when they weren't being immediately tailed.

This wasn't one of them. She skipped this one, every single time. Neil fully understands why. For all the indulgence she gave herself in the music she listened to, this one seemed to cross a line she couldn't handle.

Now Neil listens to it on morning runs and good days. And he lets himself feel okay.

71. Fall on Me - R.E.M.

Neil's had plenty of people trying to hurt him throughout his life. He's never really gotten help from people he was supposed to get it from. And now he has a whole family of people who have experienced similar abandonment.

Sometimes that pisses him off.

Sometimes he just really wishes the world was a softer place. Andrew would say it's dumb to wish, especially for something like that. And he'd be right. But it doesn't stop Neil from thinking it sometimes.

73. Hat and Feet - Fountains of Wayne

Sometimes you're just beaten down and worn out. Just once in a while, Neil wants to let himself feel this without feeling terrible and lost for it. This song helps with that.

Sometimes you're just a hat and feet, and that's okay.

#aftg #my writing #neil josten #andreil #andrew minyard

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lflynn02 · 4 years

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Introduction

Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears, to me, is the greatest song of all time. It was the song I grew up screaming, sitting in the back of the car, on summer nights while my dad drove me home from soccer practice when I was 8. It was the song I would blast through my headphones on the morning bus rides to middle school when I was 13. It was the song I would play getting ready for my high school homecoming when I was 17. It was also the song that played in the background while I was trying to concentrate on writing my college essay. I stared at the essay prompts blankly, while I traced 12 years worth of accomplishments that were not nearly good enough to write about to get into a prestige college. The feeling of disappointment ran through me. As I nearly gave up that fall night, I tuned into the lyrics of the song. I listened to each word. I twirled and danced around my room to let out the frustrations. Then I felt all sorts of emotions. All nostalgia of every time the song played in my life. Thinking of old times, I walked in my closet and opened up my memory box. I felt nothing but accomplishment. I sifted through all my old belongings that were so small, yet had such significance in my life. Every little object, picture, dried up flower petal in the box reminded me that my life wasn’t just a list of clubs and sports of my school career. It was made up of sweet love and memories from the most adored people I was surrounded by. I ended up writing my essay on that exact moment.

I guess I have come full circle. I’m sitting in my dorm, Florida rain trickling down my window, Everybody Wants to Rule the World playing. This time, I'm staring at the prompt of my first journal entry for my English class. “Tell me about yourself!” The feelings of disappointment felt the same for a quick second. I knew I let myself slip when I started to type a superficial version of myself. “Hi, my name is Lindsey and I’m from Long Island, New York.” I am sure my professor would love to know all the small stuff about me, but that is the small stuff only. There’s so much more I would love to share to not only my teachers when they ask, but everyone I've met here. There’s so much I want to learn about them too, and learn from. Throughout the past 10 days since I have been on campus, I have met dozens of other students. I got their name, their major, and where they are from. It was nice meeting them but the ones who only shared that, I couldn't even tell you their name. So, for my introduction, I will say my favorite facts and interests. I wish everyone would, because everyone is memorable.

My name is Lindsey, but my family and friends call me “Lulu.” My dad made it up based of the word “luna” because I loved to keep track of the moon phases when I was younger. Each clear night I would walk outside and stare into the sky and draw how the moon looked.

I am a nursing major. By the end of my four years in the program I want to become a travel nurse. I would love to see different countries, engage in their culture, try and explore new things, meet different people... and, of course, work. Traveling has always been a dream of mine and I have aspired to be a nurse for years. Combining the two is definitely a huge goal of mine.

At home I live with my two parents, brother, and sister. Me and my brother enjoy having Marvel movie marathons. Me and my sister find ourselves going on hour long bike rides talking and singing to our favorite Fleetwood Mac songs.

I make homemade dreamcatchers and sell them to family and friends. I believe the dreamcatchers trap the bad visions while allowing the good ones to filter through.

I listen to a variety of music but my favorite artists would be the Beatles, the Wallows, the Smiths, and the Eagles. My dad’s 80s music is mostly what I listen to.

I love taking care of plants. I buy a plant as a coping mechanism for when I am stressed or anxious. I name each one, giving them light and water, and along with that, life. It’s a fun way to start the mornings.

I practice yoga and meditation every night. It helps clears my mind. I hike in the mornings at the beach’s near my house while the weather is nice.

I love photography. I take pictures of everything and anything. I especially love my Nikon Pentax and I've learned to develop the pictures at home!

I love to write letters to people. Sometimes I will send them, most of the time I don’t. I stash them away in my “letter box” and look back on them months later and giggle. It’s a good way of putting thoughts and what your’e too nervous to say in person, on paper.

I could go on forever about what I dream of, strive to be, want to do, and who I am. Honestly, I am still learning who I am. Especially during such a big change and adjustment, I am excited for what's to come and who I will become.

As for my English course, I am embracing the focus on race and popular culture during a time where everyone’s attention should be directed towards the issue. I am going into the course trying my best to be openminded, perceptive, and understanding. Through the discussions of race, maybe my ideas and opinions will change, and change who I am. Maybe I will come to find myself listening to Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears at the end of this course and reflect on this very moment.

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themusicview · 5 years

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Bon Iver: A Retrospective

I think it’s fair to say that, after 10 Years, 4 albums, and 1 EP, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver has established a formula. Not in the traditional sense, bands like Fleetwood Mac or Maroon 5 are well known for having formulas, but in the sense that his music tends to be about the same thing. Whether the stripped back, wintery beauty of For Emma, Forever Ago, or the electronic chaos of 22, A Million, Vernon trains his lyrical camera entirely on himself. Emma is about his failings as a lover, Blood Bank is about recalling the good times, Self Titled is about his past as viewed through age and significant dates. 22 is about his longing to grow past his current place, and his latest album, 2019’s i,i, is about finally coming home.

We begin our tour with For Emma, Forever Ago, the demo tape that was so good it was pretty much released as is. The story behind Bon Iver’s debut is so poetic, it is told over and over again in the band’s mythology. After a particularly difficult run of Irish luck in which his former band, DeYarmond Edison, broke up, his girlfriend left him, and he contracted a one two punch of pneumonia and mono, he sequestered himself in a cabin in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and wrote and recorded For Emma over the course of one very intense winter. He submitted the demo tape to the indie album Jagjaguar, where it was immediately accepted and sent to print with very minor revisions to add extra instrumentation and clean up the mix. The album opens with the beautifully atmospheric Flume, a bare guitar emphasized by snowy static and Vernon’s clear, bell like voice. “I am my mother’s only one”, he mournfully cries, “It’s enough.” The main idea contained throughout the album is loneliness, and the album’s mix as well as its lyrics go a long way to establishing this theme. The two standout tracks for establishing this mood the most potently are the third track, Skinny Love, where Vernon laments a love that simply is not going to plan, and the album closer, Re:Stacks, a mournful ballad about being unable to move forward despite being already packed. It’s no surprise that this track would end pretty much every early Bon Iver show. This is not to say that the album is entirely without lushness; the side 1 closer The Wolves Pt II is a textbook example of how to build a crescendo in a folk song, showing off Vernon’s aptitude for mood that would become fully fleshed out in later releases. In retrospect, For Emma is an incredibly strong debut and an album that works well as a thesis for the later parts of the band’s career.

Following the relatively minor release Blood Bank, a 4 track EP that is only notable for the song Woods, a track built entirely out of acapella autotuned vocals and a track that gained the notice of Kanye West, Vernon and his entourage recorded and released Bon Iver’s self titled album in 2011. This album marked a sea change in the way that Vernon approached the project. As opposed to the quiet, stripped back sound of For Emma, the self titled album is lush, full sounding, and packed with swelling crescendos and massive climaxes, as if Sigur Ros decided to make folk music. Tracks such as the beautiful, soaring Perth and the subtle, yet beautiful Michican’t do a great job at providing a lush, pillowy bed of sound that you can just lie in. However, the true standout of the album is the closing track, Beth Rest, which adds a new toolkit to the Bon Iver sound; electronics. Granted, these are 1980s power electronics, but they are electronics none the less. Vernon also goes one step further and blankets his voice in copius amounts of autotune. The result is something beautiful, yet distant. As Vernon puts it, “It is the sound of doing something you want to do with absolutely no restraint.” Bon Iver would go on to be Justin Vernon’s first true success with the group, earning him critical accolades and a truly wide audience, which resulted in him being nominated for, and subsequently winning, the best new artist grammy award in 2011. Personally, I feel that Bon Iver is the moment when the group truly found its sound, grandiosity and beauty, but filtered through reality and experience.

After the wild success that the self titled album brought him, Vernon put the project on indefienate hold. He stated that he wanted to decompress for a while and for that to happen, Bon Iver had to take a break. He didn’t know when, or if, the project would return, and many fans feared the breakup of the band. During this time, he would only release an itunes session of material from the self titled albums, but no new songs were released. During this time, he would help Kanye West record two albums, and would work on several side projects. Bon Iver returned in 2016 with 22, A Million, by far the projects’ most ambitious output and it’s most musically dense. In a strange move for a folk act, the album contains almost no acoustic instruments. The album is as lush and beautiful as the self titled album that made the project famous, but takes that lushness in a different, icier direction. Songs like “22 (OVER S∞∞N)" and, "10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄" reveal a sharper, more electronic form of songwriting. Comparisons to Everything in it’s Right Place and The National Anthem off of Radiohead’s Kid A are only too easy to make. However, this is not to say that all feeling has been drained from the record; tracks such as 29 Stafford Appts. and 8 (Circle) are only too happy to indulge in the previous beauty of earlier releases, with saxophone arrangements by Sad Sax of Shit soaring above Vernon’s autotuned vocals. 22, A Million is a mixed bag of an album. Certain tracks such as the aforementioned 10, are too dense and difficult for me to truly enjoy, but the album makes a brilliant case for the new direction of the band. I was left disappointed, but excited to see where the group would go next.

Thankfully for fans who embraced this new direction, Vernon was much quicker on the draw for his next album. In 2019, when Bon Iver released their fourth album I,i, which feels, for all intents and purposes, like a refinement of what Vernon tried on 22, A Million. Tracks such as iMi and Holyfields feel like a softer, easier listen than most of the material on 22, A Million. The instrumentation feels more controlled, tighter written than what we saw on his previous efforts. There is little that sounds accidental, especially when compared to For Emma, which is an album nearly full of accident. However, this precision does not mean that Vernon sacrifices any of his songwriting beauty. Hey, ma, and U (man like) is one of the best one two punches in modern folk. Hey, ma is a lush, dense electronic song about forgetting your roots. “Tall time to talk your money up while it’s living in a coal mine” chastises Vernon, speaking to someone whose dreams are, perhaps, too big for their small pocketbook. U (man like) is about improving yourself through constant work and effort. I,i feels like a fitting bookend to Bon Iver’s current discography. It is Vernon’s most carefully crafted album but also one of his most obviously personal. There is little that you cannot feel as Vernon does on this album.

There is this idea in music criticism called the best new artist’s curse. The idea is that the best new artist’s Grammy award for any particular year usually goes to flash in the pan artists who end up not contributing anything and flaming out after one album. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but for every Beatles and Mariah Carey, there is at least five Starlight Vocal Bands. It is my personal belief that the indie music scene is better for Justin Vernon not being one of these artsits. Bon Iver has accomplished much over it’s decade long existance, and Vernon has established himself as one of the premiere artists of indie folk. Not a flash in the pan, but one of the most brilliant songwriters of our generation.

#bon iver #justin vernon #for emma forever ago #22 a million #retrospective #indie folk #review #the music view

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independentartistbuzz · 4 years

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Indie 5-0: 5 Q’s with Amelia’s Dream

Amelia’s Dream is the folk-rock duo from NYC who amidst the Coronavirus pandemic felt moved to create a song and video dedicated to thanking the healthcare workers and first responders of their city. Read on to find out more about their musical journey as well as watch the video below!

What is the inspiration behind your latest single, and did you draw the piece from a personal place?

The inspiration behind the song “Hero” is very personal. I grew up in NYC, the epicenter of COVID-19 - 3 million people came from Europe to the doors of NY and NJ with the virus, and no one told us it was happening. As a result, we were infected at such an alarming rate, more than anywhere else in the United States.

The hospitals looked like a war zone - so much so they put medical tents in Central Park. It’s the story of all of our lives in this moment of the pandemic.

This video is a documentary. It’s not an imagined visual. The visuals are real first responders in the video, many of whom we know personally. In some small way, we wanted to say, ��Thank you for stepping up & trying to save hundreds of thousands of lives’.

The year 2020 will go down in history as the year of the pandemic that killed over 100,000 people, and that number only takes into account the fatalities here in the United States, not those that have occurred around the world. This scary “curve” of a mountain we all had to climb and hope curved down we all are still in the process of trying to survive since there is no vaccine yet. I pray this is a once in a lifetime moment.

Since we don’t have a superman or a Marvel Comics hero from another planet to save us, who among us mortal humans has a “hero” inside that perhaps can save us? Is there a 2020 version Of Martin Luther King? Of Gandhi? That’s where the inspiration for the lyric, “Whose gonna put on the red cape and blue tights tonight?” came from.

When creating new songs, how long does it take to accomplish from start to finish?

I consider myself a channel. It’s a very organic experience. Sometimes the whole song rushes in in moments - often without permission nor at a convenient location for it to rush in. One time, standing in line at Whole Foods an entire song rushed in while waiting on line to pay at the register and I yelled to the clouds through the glass “Could you wait till I get home?!’

“Hero” was a very similar experience. I was looking out the window in deep thought upstate in the Catskills, thinking about the world and this moment and how the leadership is so upside down and divided with no motivation to inspire or give hope to the citizens it serves and how we really need a hero right now. I am a mega Marvel Comics fan. I am usually at the theatre the first week when they come out. There was a Spiderman remake with animation that was trying to get out the message “Anyone can be a hero” and in this film, they did not just have one Spiderman - other kids could be Spidermen/women. That’s a similar message to what I feel right now with the Amelia’s Dream song “Hero.” We aren’t going to get Superman or Wonder Woman from Marvel Comics to save us in 2020, but we do have an opportunity to have the heroes inside each one of us help save us all. We can save each other, and we can be each others heroes.

I wrote the first draft of “Hero” in 10 minutes . Most of my song melody and music is a very fast process start to finish. I have written thousands of songs, not because I intend to, but because I am a channel for whatever you believe is out there in some type of energy field that sends me music melodies and lyrics. Harold and I usually choose our top 10 - 20 favorites to record - he produces it and after that we pick what we release. The delay is only due to economics because we both have day jobs, so we do this when we are on vacation or have a break.

At what age did you realize that music is a career you wanted to pursue; what was your ‘ah-ha’ moment?

I always loved music. Whatever background you are from, whatever drama you have going on, I believe music heals on a cellular level. As a child from an explosive background, music was an expression for me - it helped ground me. I don’t think I really ever “pursued” it officially until I was much older.

I was very scared to perform live most of my life. I still have issues singing live, but I now do it in spite of my issues. My real ‘ah-ha’ moment was in 1993 when I took a communications course called Lifespring that helped me understand to trust my voice, and believe that it’s a gift meant to be shared with others. It also helped me realize I don’t have to understand what it is in order to share it.

I’ve learned that it’s best for everyone if I try to stop sabotaging sharing the gift with others because, based on feedback, apparently my songs lift people up. I have had people cry and tell me some of my songs were like 10 years of therapy for them, so I continue to write and share when I have the time and resources to do so.

Who are your musical inspirations; what artists inspired you to start your career and find your musical passion?

I have a wide variety of inspirations. Cher and Streisand were the biggest influences, for better or for worse. I am also a major fan of Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks, The Who, Pink Floyd, Billy Joel, Heart, Tracy Chapman, and Don Henley and the Eagles.

What other treats do you have in store for us this year? Can we expect more songs, an album, videos or more shows?

We are in the process of finishing up a new record. You can see the live version of “Everybody’s Got Something” on our website, ameliasdream.com. We have a lot of stuff we are prepping to release. We, like everyone else, got very delayed due to the pandemic, but I am sure there will be a show when venues start to open up again. We can’t wait to share our new music - it’s the best stuff we have written so far. In the meantime, stay safe and healthy.

Watch “Heroes” below:

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Connect with Amelia’s Dream:

https://www.ameliasdream.com/

https://www.instagram.com/ameliasdreamofficial/

https://www.facebook.com/AmeliasDream/

https://twitter.com/ameliasdream

#indie 5-0 #amelias dream #indie musicians #original music #coronavirus #covidー19 #healthcare heroes #first responders

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completeandrandomshit · 4 years

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Credit: Midnight Special

Far Out Staff

Stevie Nicks’ 10 greatest songs of all time

There are few superlatives to sum up the mercurial talent of Stevie Nicks. As one of the most prominent songwriters of her generation, she remains the only female double Rock and Roll Hall of Famer in history.

That’s because below we’ve collated 10 of the singer-songwriter’s best songs from across her career, starting with work with Buckingham and following Nicks through her time as the frontwoman of Fleetwood Mac and on to her shining solo career.

The list of amazing Stevie Nicks-helmed songs could go on for a very long time. Nicks has always possesed the unique ability to not only write and record songs that are smart, impassioned and honest but also entirely ubiquitous and attainable. Nicks has perfected the ability to share herself and connect with her fans.

Below find Stevie Nicks’ 10 greatest songs of all time and expect to hear some of the most impressive vocals along with it.

Stevie Nicks’ 10 best songs

‘Crying in the Night’

The first song from Buckingham Nicks’ self-titled debut album was destined to be a chart-topper but never reached its potential. It did, however, catch the attention of Mick Fleetwood who would soon seek out the duo for his own band.

It instantly marked Stevie Nicks out as an aggressively honest writer as she warns of the dangers of obsessive love all wrapped up in some power-pop glory.

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‘Blue Denim’

Street Angel may well be one of Nicks’ least-loved albums, having been written in the middle of leaving Fleetwood Mac and her prescription drug addiction, but it did hold one beautiful moment, the gorgeous ‘Blue Denim’.

“It’s a song about this guy who came into my life, but left just as quick,” she told WDVE, referring to her on and off-stage partner Buckingham. “And his eyes were that intense.” The track is equally beguiling.

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‘After The Glitter Fades’

Perhaps Nicks’ most pertinent vocal performances came on her 1981 solo album Bella Donna and ‘After The Glitter Fades’.

It perfectly encapsulates Nicks’ ability to transcend the terrestrial and make her way to the heavens without so much as a look back over her shoulder. The song’s vulnerable moments are perfectly held up by Nicks as she allows her audience another look into her soul.

The track may be relatively forgotten by some but it stuck with us and country legend Glen Campbell who picked it up for a charming cover. For our money, the original is on another level though.

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‘The Chain’

A patchwork song built out of several different pieces from different members of Fleetwood Mac, the track remains one of the most unifying moments on the album. Moving effortlessly across the seventies spectrum the group show their mettle on this one and announce themselves as patrons of music in every form.

The track may well have been created by the band as a whole but it is Nicks’ lyrics and voice that remain with us after listening. It’s a testament to the singer’s ability to command not only a room but the airwaves too.

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‘Rooms on Fire’

Taken from Nicks’ fourth solo studio album, 1989’s The Other Side of the Mirror, the track once again proved Nicks was a fantastic songwriter above all else.

Apparently inspired by her relationship with Rupert Hine, Nicks said of the song: “Rooms on Fire is about a girl who goes through a life like I have gone through, where she finally accepts the idea that there never will be those other things in her life. She will never be married, she will never have children, she will never do those [that] part of life.”

The track was a mainstay of Nicks’ live shows up until 1999 and hasn’t been played since. We hope that the song will get another outing soon enough.

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‘Stand Back’

Taken from 1983 effort The Wild Heart, the single ‘Stand Back’ has a more curious composition story than you might imagine. Having married her friend’s widower following her death, Nicks and Kim Anderson were driving to their honeymoon when Nicks heard Prince’s ‘Little Red Corvette’ on the radio. She was taken aback.

Nicks began humming a tne inspired by the song and made Anderson stop the car so they could grab a tape recorder and, by process of humming the tune, laid down the bare bones of the song.

To this day, it remains a part of Nicks’ performances and was yet another reminder that even without a backing band she was a force to be reckoned wiht creatively.

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‘Dreams’

During the recording of Fleetwood Mac’s seminal record Rumours, songbird Stevie Nicks would often escape the intensity of the studio to take a break in the King of Funk, Sly Stone’s room, as it was just down the hall in the same rehearsal space. It was there that Nicks would write one of the most beloved songs.

“It wasn’t my room, so it could be fabulous,” she recalled in the 1997 Classic Albums documentary on Rumours. “I knew when I wrote it that it was really special. I was really not self-conscious or insecure about showing it to the rest of the band.” The recording process was a scene that was worthy of escaping.

‘Dreams’ is a product of that highly-charged situation and sees Nicks firmly take aim at her now-ex-boyfriend Lindsey Buckingham with unnerving ferocity and marksmanship.

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‘Edge of Seventeen’

The solo career of Stevie Nicks would be a pathway for so many other artists to follow. She went out on her own, away from some famous bands and arguably did it better than ever before. ‘Edge of Seventeen’ was Nicks’ all-powerful introduction to her solo career.

Nicks the Queen of Rock was born when Jimmy Iovine moved away from working with Tom Petty to take on her 1981 album Bella Donna. “It was Jimmy that said, ‘I will produce your record and we’ll make you a Tom Petty record, expect it’ll be a girl Tom Petty record,’” Nicks recalled. “I found that very exciting and I was jumping off the walls. That’s how it all started.”

The song wasn’t the first release from Nicks under her new guise away from Fleetwood Mac and Lindsey Buckingham but, there was something different to ‘Edge of Seventeen’ from the first two singles ‘Stop Draggin My Heart Around’ and ‘Leather and Lace’. Those two releases both featured Nicks singing as part of a duet.

While the ‘Rhiannon’ singer was naturally excited to have the great Tom Petty and Don Henley provide ample vocal support on the two previous releases, ‘Edge of Seventeen’ suddenly meant more knowing that Nicks was finally out on her own. It saw her shine as a solo star and promised that Nicks was a talent beyond any band.

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‘Rhiannon’

The track ‘Rhiannon’ remains a clear fan favourite and still features in much of the band’s ‘best of’ sets. Written for their seminal self-titled album in 1975, shortly after Nicks and her then-boyfriend Lindsey Buckingham joined the band, it has to be one of the greatest pop songs ever written, the most perfect pop song, written about a witch.

Nicks was known to preface the song’s performance at their live dates with the words: “This song’s about an old Welsh witch” and she’s true to her word. Nicks discovered the folkloric Rhiannon in the seventies through a novel called Triad by Mary Bartlet Leader. The novel revolves around a woman named Branwen who is possessed by another wild woman named Rhiannon.

It marked Nicks out as not only a writer capable of drawing from her own experiences but of using the mythical to tell her story.

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‘Landslide’

The track features on the band’s self-titled 1975 album, which along with Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham’s introduction, looked to truly kick start the success of Fleetwood Mac. This beautifully rich and luxurious song is one of the mainstays of that success. It stands among the most performed Fleetwood Mac songs and is a pivotal moment of their live show.

The song’s emotive language and Stevie Nicks’ undeniably pure and vulnerable vocal allows the mind to wander towards this track being a love song but, in truth, the track is located in more vocational areas of the soul.

It centres on a moment when Nicks, having lost her contract with Buckingham and Nicks, was truly worried that she may never achieve her dream. It is this longing that lands the song as one of Nicks’ finest.

The track is so ubiquitous with Nicks’ gorgeous and yet touchingly subtle vocal that it feels inextricable from her and her romantic past that it can feel too easily placed within the “love song” arena. The truth is that it most likely is a love song, but not as we would hope to define it.

This is an ode to Nicks’ only one true love; music.

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THANKS TO FAR OUT MAGAZINE.CO.UK FOR THE ARTICLE

#STEVIE NICKS #FAR OUT MAGAZINE #OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR STEVIE NICKS #OUR LORD SAVIOR STEVIE NICKS #NICKSMAS #REAL MUSIC #CLASSIC ROCK #FLEETWOOD MAC #YOUTUBE.COM

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likethetailofacomet · 6 years

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A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... Rose of Sharon

This is my submission for the Choices Fandom Game: A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

I was given my picture by the wonderful @bobasheebaby who not so subtly hinted that I should write this about Bastien and Annabelle, and I was more than happy to comply. I tried my actual hardest to keep this AT 1,000 words. But, you guys, I am wordy. This was so much fun, though, and I am very excited to share this piece!

A/N: This piece can be read alongside my series The Broken Bits. This takes place just three days after Bastien and Annabelle meet. If you haven’t read their first meeting, you can do so here. Also, fun fact: a “rose of sharon” isn’t actually a rose. it’s used to describe “a flower of the field or valley” but there isn’t a specific flower that is being referenced. (picture prompt appears in body of text)

Word Count: 1,263

Tunes: Rhiannon, Fleetwood Mac and Rose of Sharon, Mumford and Sons

He saw her again just three days after meeting her in the entrance hall of the palace. It was a warmer than usual spring morning and Bastien was finishing his rounds before meeting with Jackson to discuss the arrangements for the Milan trip. He made his way through the courtyard between the main building and the outer offices, the sun warm on the back of his neck. The hedges were tall but trimmed with razor precision into thick, solid walls of green. Bastien reached out and ran his hand along the waxy leaves as he passed by. He enjoyed when his patrol took him through the gardens or the courtyards. The palace was beautiful with its sculpted reliefs and oil paintings, everything dripping in gold, but it was stifling at times. A gilded cage was still a cage, and on warm days he much preferred to be outside. He turned the corner and where he would normally expect to see the violet blossoms of the giant Rose of Sharon bush; he was met instead with a shock of fiery orange hair glinting in the sun.

He reacted instinctively, not wanting to be seen, by shrinking back against the hedgerow. She sat in front of the bush, one leg stretched out, her milky white skin practically glowing against the emerald blades of grass, the other bent with a sketchbook propped against her knee. Her curls rolled down her back, some of them dancing on the breeze and blowing into her face. He watched as she used the hand that held her pencil to brush a few stray strands back behind her shoulder, only for them to blow back into her face again. It would be much easier for her if she tied it back, Bastien knew, but he found himself enjoying the fact that she hadn’t. She didn’t strike me as someone who does things because they’re easy, he thought to himself, remembering her quick comebacks and sharp wit…that playful glimmer in her eyes, the way that her cheek would get that dimple in it when she smirked at him. She does things exactly as she wants to.

He’d found himself thinking of her over the past few days, wondering if or when he’d bump into her again. He watched her for another moment as she brought her pencil back to the paper, moving it gracefully, sweeping it across her page like a magic wand, making flowers and tangled vines appear from nothing. Her toes curled in the grass, the sun in her hair and on her skin- she looked like a flower in the field, no wonder she could capture them so perfectly. He realized he’d been watching her for longer than he meant to when another breeze blew through the courtyard, shaking the blossoms and the leaves and her hair, and he knew he had to move before she turned and saw him. He stepped out from behind the hedges and started back on his path, his palms sweaty as he got closer to where she was set up in the grass.

She’s just a girl. Just say hello, what’s wrong with you? His thoughts did nothing for his confidence. You’re training to be the Captain of the King’s Guard someday, man, and you can’t talk to a pretty face? Before he could continue berating himself, he heard something and realized she was not only listening to music on a small battery operated radio, but that she was signing along. The song changed and her nimble fingers jumped to the volume dial, spinning it and making the music louder. Her outstretched leg bopped with the beat and her voice hit his ear, “Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night and wouldn't you love to love her? Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and who will be her lover?” He stutter stepped as he heard her voice, off key; she was an artist but certainly not a singer, though that wasn’t stopping her from belting the song with reckless abandon. Now you really have to say something. You’re watching her, you’re listening to her, for god’s sake, at least clear your throat. Bastien wished he could teleport to Jackson’s office so he wouldn’t have to interrupt her, wouldn’t have to pierce this perfect bubble of sunshine and song that she was enjoying. But that wasn’t an option, so he cleared his throat and took another step towards her.

“I was wondering how long you were going to stand there, Bastien,” she said between lyrics, without turning around. “This is a private concert, do you have a ticket?” she glanced over her shoulder at him and he could see a dark smudge of charcoal above her right eyebrow. She looked amused, that smirk back on her face, one cheek squished up into her sparkling eye.

Despite being caught in the act, he felt a smile creeping up his warm face, a sheepish laugh falling from his lips. He patted his pockets as she spun around, drawing her long legs up in front of her. “I seem to have misplaced my ticket,” he said, “would you happen to have another?”

Annabelle grinned at him and set her sketchbook aside. “Sorry, an act like this,” she gestured to herself, “sells out quickly. “Better luck next time, Mr. Senior Assistant.”

“Apprentice,” he corrected her, but the wink she shot him told him that she knew, and that she was teasing him. He shook his head and checked his watch. He had exactly 3 minutes before he was due in Jackson’s office, and at least a 5 minute walk ahead of him. He’d have to run. “So when’s the next show time?” he asked.

Annabelle looked down at her sketchbook, at the blossoms she’d been working on. With a smirk, she ripped the corner piece off of one of the pages and quickly turned it over, scribbling something on the back. She rose, unfolding her long legs, and crossed the space between them. She smelled like grass stains as she came closer, holding the paper out to him. “You tell me,” she said, biting her bottom lip and looking at him through her lashes.

Confused, Bastien looked down at the paper. It was one of her flowers, gorgeously lifelike, and on the back she’d written her name and a phone number, and two little x’s. When he brought his disbelieving eyes back up, she was already scooping her things back into her bag. “I’ve got to get to a meeting with my advisor. You’re probably supposed to be somewhere too,” Bastien nodded, still in awe of the drawing she’d given him. “Well, you better get wherever you need to before you’re in too much trouble to take me out sometime.” She winked again as with a toss of her hair she set off towards the palace, leaving him to shove the paper on his pocket and sprint across the courtyard to Jackson’s office.

_ _ _ _

On the final day of his post as Captain of the King’s Guard, Bastien Lykel left the room that had been his office, an age softened piece of paper in his hand, the smudged sketch of a Rose of Sharon still as lifelike as the day she’d given it to him. Ever our lives entwined, he thought to himself, recalling a poem she’d read him one day. He sighed, tucked the sketch back into his breast pocket where it had been a constant for the past twenty one years. Time to find out how true that is…

And I will surround you With a love too deep for words Hold you from the world and its curse So long as I have breath in my lungs Long as there's a song to be sung I will be yours and you will be mine Ever our lives entwined My rose of Sharon

tags: Writers: @speedyoperarascalparty @ao719 @leelee10898 @riseandshinelittleblossom @zaffrenotes @drakewalkerwhipped @stopforamoment @annekebbphotography @lizeboredom @boneandfur @mind-reader1 @jovialyouthmusic @ooo-barff-ooo @bobasheebaby @ownworldresident @hopefulmoonobject @sleepwalkingelite @likethetailofacomet @silviasutton1989 @blackcatkita @blackcoffee85 @kennaxval @andy-loves-corgis @callmetippytumbles @iplaydrake @the-everlasting-dream @brightpinkpeppercorn @agent-bossypants @tornbetween2loves @dcbbw @jlouise88 @choicesbyjade @breaumonts @thehonorarybeaumont @pixelsandkink @innerpostmentality @katedrakeohd @darley1101 @carabeth @sirbeepsalot Readers: @cocomaxley @mfackenthal @moneyfordiamonds @romanticatheart-posts @choicesarehard @gibbles82 broken bits tags: @zaffrenotes @ooo-barff-ooo @sleepwalkingelite @brightpinkpeppercorn @jovialyouthmusic @mind-reader1 @endlessly-searching-for-you @notoriouscs @endlessflame @endlesstaylormckenzie @agent-bossypants @andy-loves-corgis @akrenich @nekkidmolerat @indiacater @the-everlasting-dream @thequeenofcronuts @the-whiskeywife @roonarific @stopforamoment @mkatschoicesblog @mfackenthal @drakewalkerisreal @jlouise88 @drakesensworld @gibbles82 @gardeningourmet @iplaydrake @speedyoperarascalparty @bobasheebaby @carabeth

#a picture is worth a thousand words #choices fandom game #rose of sharon #bastien x annabelle #bas x belle #young bastien #trr bastien #bastien x oc #the broken bits

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elysiumwaits · 5 years

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Ely’s Ever-Changing Playlist - Sat. Aug 31st

You can find the playlist on Spotify right here. The Ever-Changing Playlist is best listened to on Shuffle Mode. I plan on updating this playlist every Saturday, and rotating songs out and in with new releases and whatever’s caught my fancy this week.

Feel free to send me music you like, I’m always open to new songs to listen to and I like literally every genre except death metal and polka. (I’m also not a big fan of musical theater, tbh). But like seriously, fuck polka.

This first playlist is a pretty eclectic mix of new releases and not-so-new releases, in a variety of genres. Probably a little heavy on the rock, to be honest, but that’s the mood I’m in this week. You’ll get whiplash, though, ‘cause there’s some good country and pop on here too.

Song list and comments are under the cut!

Scrawny by Wallows - I love self-deprecating but somehow still kind of cocky rock (like Polaroid by Imagine Dragons). They also have that bedroom rock kind of vibe that I love. Plus I love the line “I’m a scrawny motherfucker with a cool hairstyle” and hardcore relate to the line “I say the wrong shit at the right time.”

Wild Roses by Of Monsters and Men - I honestly didn’t know how to feel about the new album for a couple of weeks. They’ve definitely gone for a more pop vibe to their songs - Alligator was catchy but it seems like a lot of the songs on their Fever Dream album just don’t have the same lyrical depth as songs like King and Lionheart or Wolves Without Teeth or Little Talks. It’s a good song - catchy, like I said - but honestly I was hoping for better when I heard a new album was coming out.

Blame It On my Youth by Blink-182 - This may actually be my most highly-anticipated release this year. For one thing, Blame It On My Youth actually sounds like Blink-182, like you could follow it with All the Small Things and there’d be no real musical shift. Which is honestly amazing, considering how much they’ve been through as a band, and of course, the lineup changes. Hoppus still sounds like Hoppus, though, and the music is still that glorious “fuck you, watch this” guitar that kickstarted the whole early 2000s guitar rock (you wouldn’t have FOB without Blink-182, and you can tell in the early FOB albums). I love to see Nine come out on September 20th - Blink-182 is a legendary band in the punk genre and hearing this song felt like coming home. “I was bored to death, so I started a band/ Cut my teeth on the Safety Dance, my attention span never stood a chance.”

Love All Night (Work All Day) by Yola - You know those gentle 70s rock/soul songs? Vaguely influenced by country, definitely influenced by R&B, leave you with a feeling of home and comfort while also kind of inspiring you to go out and work on some social change? It’s definitely got a Memphis rock vibe, but it also really made me want to listen to The Temptations and Creedence Clearwater Revival. The best part about it is that this album came out this year.

Circles by Post Malone - I’m actually a huge Post Malone fan, because I’m a huge Fleetwood Mac fan. You might be wondering how those two things add up. Post Malone cites one of his major influences to be Stevie Nicks, and in fact his vocal (when he sings, instead of rapping) draws a lot from Stevie’s unique vibrato and slurring of the words. Circles captures this beautifully, but if you really want the best that Post Malone has to offer (in the singing department, I’ll fight people over how good Wow. is), you really need to check out his remix and mashup of Fleetwood Mac’s Dreams from his August 26th mixtape. Check it out here. The unfortunate thing is that it can only be found on Youtube or the mixtape app DatPiff.

Drive by The Cars - So this is on the list because Tim McGraw put out a cover, and I usually like Tim McGraw, but Drive is not a song you can make a country cover out of. You can’t do it. Listen to this one instead of the Tim McGraw version, and if you’re really wanting a Tim McGraw fix, Neon Church is good.

Refugee by Melissa Etheridge - Speaking of covers, this is my girl Melissa’s cover of Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker’s Refugee, and frankly, I like it more. She goes hard, is the thing, sings every word like she fuckin’ well means it. That’s the thing about Melissa Etheridge, she is passionate about her music. This cover was released on her greatest hits album in 2005 - fun fact, this album included four new songs total, including I Run for Life, written for others, like Melissa, who have gone through breast cancer. It’s a damn good album, I had to recently buy a new hard copy because I wore the first CD out.

Mornin’s Gonna Come by Brent Cobb - I actually don’t know why this hit the Apple playlists this week, considering it was released on the album Providence Canyon back in 2018. It’s a pretty southern-rock style song, despite the country label, and sounds like a party song right up until you’re listening to the lyrics. Turns out it’s about the fact that everything done in the dark will eventually come to light, whether that’s a hangover or something deeper.

Soon You’ll Get Better by Taylor Swift feat. Dixie Chicks - Okay, listen. I love this song. Hearing Natalie come in on the vocals in the background for the first time since 2006 made me bawl. The Dixie Chicks were the main music of my childhood, I grew up with Wide Open Spaces and Fly. Add in the poignant lyrics about watching someone struggle through illness - Taylor opens up in an article that it’s about her parents’ battles with cancer, but we all take something away from music we listen to and it made me cry because I relate to it from a mental and chronic illness standpoint.

60 & Punk by Death Cab for Cutie - So, Death Cab actually has a new EP coming out and the new single on it Kids in 99 is pretty good, but I’m still stuck on their album Thank You for Today. I don’t know if it was my stint in the Pacific Northwest that kickstarted my Death Cab love, or if I’m just naturally drawn to their music, but I would argue that Thank You for Today may be their best album. 60 & Punk is sad, honestly, about watching your heroes grow old and give into the world around them. But it’s good.

Reaper Man by Mother Mother - Mother Mother is one of my favorite bands, and Reaper Man is right up there in my self-deprecating-but-cocky genre. Released in 2014, and a staple on my playlists since.

Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne feat. Travis Clark (of We The Kings) - Okay, raise your hand if you can still sing Complicated or Sk8er Boi from memory, because I sure as hell can. I can also do Check Yes Juliet from memory, because I grabbed it off the free iTunes download back in the day before it ever blew up - I’m a hipster. Anyway, Avril’s surfaced with a frankly marvelous album about growing up, getting divorced, and dealing with the devastating effects of Lyme disease. This is a bonus single - you can find her solo version on the album also titled Head Above Water.

Hollow by Barns Courtney - There’s really no deep meaning to this one for me, I just really love Barns Courtney and haven’t found something they’ve put out that I didn’t like yet. Catchy and rock and pop, this song makes me want to dance.

Summer Girl by Haim - Everyone I knew back in 2013, in my little pocket of rural America, turned their noses up at Haim. I was like, “Oh my god, they’re amazing!” and my coworkers are like “Why does she sing like that?” It was weird to me because The Wire was named one of the best songs of the year, hit charts all over the place - weird. Anyway, Summer Girl has a super lowkey acoustic vibe, and I love it.

Far From Born Again by Alex Cameron - So Alex Cameron is pretty hit or miss for me - I either hate what he puts out, or I obsess over it. Far From Born Again is an obsess-song, because it’s honest-to-god the best sex worker song I’ve ever heard. Every time a “positive” sex worker song comes out, it’s always something like Porn Star Dancing or Shakin’ Hands or Pay Me. The worker is always over-sexualized and vilified in some way or another, and frankly, it’s exhausting. I like Far From Born Again because it’s super realistic to my experiences - lines like “It ain’t your goddamn business if she does it for pay” and “pays bills while you all still text jerks” and “she’s a woman earning more than a man” - puts the focus where it should be. She’s not some over-sexed nympho doing it for the thrill of it, it’s a job that she’s good at.

Don’t Call It Love by Quiet Riot - So, literally everyone has heard Cum On Feel the Noize or Metal Health. It’s interesting to see Quiet Riot pop on charts again, especially considering that they haven’t had a founding member of the band in the lineup since 2010. That said, the members currently do include Banali and Wright, who were in the band at the height of Quiet Riot’s success in the mid 80s. Current vocals are done by James Durbin, as the vocalist Kevin DuBrow passed in 2007. Quiet Riot as we know it was revived mostly to celebrate the memory of DuBrow, actually, and on the insistence of DuBrow’s mother.

Last Day Under the Sun by Volbeat - I just really fuckin’ love Volbeat. That unique mix of hard rock and rockabilly, mixed with my frankly inappropriate feelings for Michael Poulson’s voice, gets me every time. I was drawn in by Lola Montez and here we are today.

All Apologies - Live & Loud by Nirvana - So this live album was actually released in 2013, and just popped up on my feed because it was just put onto Apple Music, which is where I get all my music from. You can also watch the whole concert for free, which I can’t bring myself to do yet. Nirvana is my favorite band of all time - literally of all time - and All Apologies has the ability to bring me to tears. I actually have “All in All is All We Are” tattooed on my back. Vinyl is coming out, concert is up, go live your grunge baby dreams with me.

Black Hole Sun (Live from The Artists’ Den) by Soundgarden - So this is a recent release of their 2013 Artist’s Den concert. It’s a bittersweet release for the band, who decided earlier this year to disband after the death of Chris Cornell, following their only concert without him. They chose to release the live album because they remember how much fun Chris had that night, according to a Spin article. Of the major original Seattle grunge bands, that means that only a few remain - Alice in Chains lost Layne Staley, Nirvana lost Kurt Cobain, and Soundgarden lost Chris Cornell. Pearl Jam is still going strong, though. (Technically Alice in Chains is still active, but DuVall has nothing on Staley).

Can You Feel It? by White Eskimo - Okay, so following all that rock trivia, I was absolutely floored when I found out that White Eskimo had recent music... because I only know them as the band that Harry Styles was in before One Direction. Anyway, it’s a pretty catchy pop-punk song, I dig it. I love that the first actual info I found about them, with current news, was on the Harry Styles wiki.

Lullaby by Kalie Shorr - Here’s that whiplash again, how about some country? Brand new country, even. I have a bone to pick with country lately about how it all sounds like pop with exaggerated accents and how that pisses me off, but I like the acoustic vibe Kalie Shorr has going on. It’s that good old country song about loving someone you shouldn’t and then letting them go. She honestly reminds me a lot of Sunny Sweeney.

Tennessee Whiskey (Live from City Winery Nashville) by Sara Evans and Olivia Barker - This is a classic country song, written for a half-drunk slow dance with your sweetie at the dive bar (which is honestly the best way to hear it, not gonna lie). The best version is the without a doubt Chris Stapleton’s cover, and this cover is a cover of that cover, but if you want to go back, it was originally recorded by country great David Allan Coe - of “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” fame if you do the bar circuit like I do. It was also recorded by George Jones in the 80s, and then a bunch of other people. There’s a reason Sara Evans is a modern country great.

The Chain (from The Kitchen) by the Highwomen - I got a lot of bones to pick with the Highwomen - I don’t like them and I’m not afraid to say it. I think it comes from the fact that The Highwaymen was created by the pioneers of outlaw country, who were pretty much on the outskirts of country music due to their lifestyles and other factors. The Highwomen have good sound and good writing, but they’re all pretty mainstream, and they should have chosen a different name. Anyway. This is a good country cover.

The Daughters by Little Big Town - I like this song because it tackles a lot of issues still prevalent in societies in country and rural areas, primarily feminism. A lot of people don’t realize that out here in the sticks, the gender norms are alive and well - if you don’t have a kid by 21 and you’re a girl, you’re out of the norm and you’re gonna die alone. You get a lot of women who get married young, then spend their lives cooking and cleaning and never thinking about anything more because this is all they know, this is what their mothers did. The song goes over the delicate balance a woman plays down here - you have to be strong but not too strong, and you have to “know your place.”

The Louvre by Lorde - I wasn’t a fan of Lorde’s second album at first, because I was very much stuck in the sound of the first. It’s growing on me.

Remember the Name by Ed Sheeran, Eminem, and 50 Cent - So I’m a big fan of Ed Sheeran, and my mom loves Eminem and 50 Cent. I like some Eminem, and some 50 Cent, but overall I’m not a fan of rap. What I like about this song is that it sounds like an early Eminem a la “The Real Slim Shady” so it’s catchy and easy for my audio processing issues to follow. I also just dig cocky songs.

20 Something by SZA - I started listening to SZA when my brother sent me the DJ Khaled song Just Us that featured her vocal. I love her voice and lyrics, and also the fact that my little bro relates so much to a lot of her music that it sometimes makes him cry (apparently Just Us made him cry). 20 Something is my favorite off her debut album - I mean, everyone I know is a 20-something right now, and the lyrics hit home.

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